Mind Your Language

Script
Scene 1
Police station

Sergeant enters the classroom

SG-I am here to investigate a theft Who is Jamila *sternly*

Dolores:-yes officer? Does there seem to be any problem(looking at jamila and inspector

*Mr. Jeremy enters the room along with Ali and puts his hand on Jamila's shoulder*

Mr. Jeremy: Jamila! Are you alright? *In a worried manner*

Jamila: Oho shukar hai masterji aap log aagaye mujhe yahan bachane ke liye! Inko
samjhao tou sahi
zara ji.

Mr. Jeremy: What did she say Ali?

Ali: shukar hai masterji aap log ko bachane ke liye aagaye ... *Repeats same thing Jamila
says*

*Mr. Jeremy laughs* *Audience laughs*

Mr. Jeremy: In English!

Ali: Oh excuse me please! She is saying that she is very glad that we are coming to help her
escape.
*while smiling*
Mr. Jeremy: *chuckles* Ask her what she stole.
Ali: *while smiling* Array bhai kya churaya tha aapne?
Jamila: Lo jee! churana kya tha! Mein ne wahan rasala ke upar likha hua tha ke muft mein
hai Free! Tou
mein ne utha liya, ab ye log khethe hain ke tum ne chori ki hai. *is worried*
Mr. Jeremy: Well?
Ali: Nothing!
Mr. Jeremy: She must have said more than that!
Ali: Yes please! She is saying she only took a book from the newspaper shop but the book
was free!
Mr. Jeremy: Well, there has obviously been some misunderstanding! I'll sort it out with the
police.
Ali: Will they be sending her to prison?
Mr. Jeremy: No no no! I don't think it's that drastic. I will have a word with the sergeant! Five
pounds
ought to do it. *takes out five pounds from his pocket*
Ali:Oh I am understanding! That is a fine.
Mr. Jeremy: No no no! It's not exactly a fine! Let's say it's a little gift.
Ali: *blank* Gift?
Mr. Jeremy: Yes! Its an old English custom! I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
Ali: Ah! You scratch my back, I scratch yours.
Mr. Jeremy: That's right.
Ali: Very well! Where are you being itchy? *while smiling putting his hand on his back and
asking*
Mr. Jeremy: No no, it's alright!
*the commissioner steps in holding a cup of tea*
Mr. Jeremy and Ali: Good Evening!
Commissioner: Are you Mr. Brown?
Ali: No, he is Mr. Brown. *Smiling*
Commissioner: I was speaking to him. *irritated*
Ali: In that case you were right the first time.
Commissioner: Who are you?
Ali: Ali Nadeem. *when Mr. Jeremy looks at him says*
No I am Ali Nadim! You are Mr. Brown *pointing at Mr. Jeremy*
Mr. Jeremy: Yes Ali, I'll do the talking alright? You just leave it to me. Now I am sure we can
sort this out,
inspector.
Commissioner: Now about this young lady *looking at Jamila who is busy drinking Tea*
Mr. Jermey: Ah yes.I expect you'd like to have a look at my driving license.
Commissioner: What for?
Mr. Jeremy: To verify my identity.
Commissioner: Look if you tell me you're Mr. Brown I accept that is the truth.

Ali:, he's definitely Mr. Brown!

.
Mr. Jeremy: Ali! I insist you look at my driving license.
Commissioner: Oh very well, if it will make you happy!
*Five-pound note drops on the table*
Commissioner: Is this yours sir?
Commissioner: This five pound note was inside your driving license.
Mr. Jeremy: Are you sure? It could have dropped out of your trouser pocket.or tucked inside
your sleeves

Ali: Yes, sergeant is correct! I remember you putting it there It was just before you said "You
scratch my back, I scratch yours"
Mr jeremy : i forgot *temper rising *
Mrs Courtney: enough of this business Mr Brown i am done with these crackpots
Mr Jeremy :Now sergeant about this young lady.
Commissioner: Yes, the accused.

Jamila- ji maine kuch nahi churaya yeh log jhoot bol rahe hai master ji (worried ) woh rasala
toh free main thaa

Commissioner: Oh, she pinched the book all right but she thought it was buckshee
Mr. Jeremy: Free inside! Color supplement.
Commissioner: That's right.
Mr. Jeremy: And she thought the whole thing was free.
Commissioner: yes
Mr. Jeremy: So then it's not her fault.
Commissioner: If anyone is to blame, it's the person who has been teaching her English.
Mrs Courtney -yes ofcourse
Scene2
Classroom
Miss Dolores Courtney: I see Mr. Brown is not back. Now, what are you doing at the
moment?
Su Lee: We are studying our English Grammar
Mrs. Dolores: And how far have you got? Let me see your book. *asks Max*
Max: Giovanni, Miss Courtney would like to see your book.
Miss Dolores: I want to see your book *to Max*
*Ann hits Max and he hands his book*
Miss Dolores: Thank you. "The affairs of a Call Girl"
Max: I thought it was about the adventures of the telephone operator! Honest.
Miss Dolores: Well until Mr. Brown returns, I shall take the class.
Juan: Senora, where are you taking us?
Miss Dolores: I am not taking you anywhere. I am going to ask you a few questions on
general
knowledge. Now first of all, can anybody tell me who said "To be or not to be"?
Ranjeet: Please, you just said it.
Miss Dolores: Yes but before I said it, who said it?
Su Lee: Excuse prease.
Miss Dolores: Yes.
Su Lee: Chairman Mao.
Miss Dolores: It may come as a surprise to you, but other people wrote things besides
Chairman Mao.
Su Lee: Chairman Mao lite (write) everything.
Miss. Dolores: He certainly didn't lite--- write "To be or not to be". Now does anybody know?
Danielle: William Shakespeare.
Miss Dolores: Correct.
Ranjeet: Excuse please! Who is this William Spearshake?
Miss Dolores: Shakespeare!
Ranjeet: A thousand apologies.
Miss Dolores: Are you not familiar with Shakespeare's works?
Giovanni: Is it a big place?
Miss Dolores: Is what a big place?
Giovanni: These works of Shakespeare.
Miss Dolores: I am referring to the things he wrote.
Giovanni: ah excuse me.
Miss Dolores: Now then, can anybody tell me what the population of England is?
*Anna Shmidt raises hand*
Miss Dolores: Miss Shimidt?
Anna: Ja, English.
Miss Dolores: Not any longer. However, what I really meant was how many are there.
Anna: I don't know, I have not counted them.
Miss Dolores: Let me ask you a simple question. Mr. Nagazumi (Taro)
Taro: Ah so. *stands up and bows*
Miss Dolores: Can you tell me how many P's are there in a pound?
Taro: Depend on the size of the Peas.
Miss Dolores: I think you'd better all go back to studying your books until Mr. Brown returns.
He surely can't be much longer.

Scene 3
Jamila's House
Jamila: Aao ji baitho. Mein zara chai bana kar lati hoon.
Mr. Jeremy: I wish she'd tell us why she's brought us back here.
Ali: She just said she was having something to show you.
Jamila:Bohat bohat meharbani ji aapki aap logon ne mujhe police ke haaton se bataya-
bachaya bas ab aik kaam aur kardo phir sab theek hai.
Ali: She is saying thank you for saving her from the police and hopes you will do the same
thing next time.
Mr. Jeremy: well, let's hope there is no next time.
Jamila: Eik minute g.
*brings "free offer" board from the dressing table*
Jamila: Ab ye dekho g ap khud hi parhlo kya likha hai iske uper.
Mr. Jeremy: Free offer! 2.p off each tin.
Jamila: Huh! supermark.
Mr. Jeremy: Supermarket. Well they've obviously been having... Oh no! Free offer!
*hesitates* You haven't been taking things from the supermarket.
*Jamila goes to open the wardrobe and things fall out* *audience laughs*
Ali: Oh deary me!
Mr. Jeremy: You can say that again.
Ali: Oh deary me!
*audience laughs*
Ali: We must go back and see the Police Sergeant and scratch his back again.
*audience laughs*

Mr.Jeremy: We can't do that! He'll never believe this was a mistake, i mean pinching a
magazine is one thing but knocking off half a supermarket is rather a different matter. On the
other hand, we can't let Jamila keep all these stolen goods! It it it's dishonest.
Ali: She can give them to me! I don't mind being dishonest.
*audience laughs*
Mr.Jeremy: I'm sure you don't mind. N-no-now listen Ali, I want you to go back to the school
and ask all the students to meet Jamila and I outside the supermarket.
Ali: What are we going to be doing?
Mr.Jeremy: We are going to be putting all these things back.
Scene 4
At the elevator
Miss Dolores: Gladys, is everything locked up?
Gladys: Yes Miss Courtney. Uh by the way I don't suppose you could give me a lift.
Miss Dolores: Well I am sorry Gladys, I am afraid I'm not going straight home tonight. There
are one or two things I want from the supermarket.
*both enter elevator*
Scene 5 Supermarket
*all walk to supermarket door*
Mr.Jeremy: Right, now you all know what to do! Just be very very careful that nobody sees
you, alright? *enter supermarket*
everyone puts things back secretly, audience laughs*
Miss Dolores: What are you doing here!?
Mr.Jeremy: Uh Well I suppose you could say it was an extracurricular activity.

Giovanni: Sir, excuse me! It's stuck. *audience laughs*

Miss Dolores: What are you doing with that jar?
Giovanni: Trying to get it out!
Mr.Jeremy: It's a long story Miss Courtney! I'll explain later. Let me give you a hand
*both struggle at the pocket trying to get it out*
Mr.Jeremy: Pull pull!
*Mr.Jeremy fall and trips the cans*
*audience laughs*
Worker: Alright I've been watching you lot, just what do you think you're doing!
Mr.Jeremy: Would you believe we were putting things back?
Worker: No.
Mr.jeremy: I didn;t think you would.

Scene 6
Miss Dolores: Now look here Sergeant, it was obviously just a misunderstanding and I see
no reason why
we should pursue this any further.
Sergeant: I am sorry Madam.

Miss Dolores: Miss, if you don't mind.

Sergeant: Yes, well I am afraid i shall have to make a report out on this affair.
Mr.Jeremy: Now couldn't you just forget it ever happened.
Sergeant: No.
Mr.Jeremy: Well I'm sure your police charity fund wouldn't say no to another contribution
sergeant.
Sergeant: Well, we're always grateful for anything, sir.(smirk)
Mr.Jeremy: Shall we say another five pounds?
Mrs Courtney -disgusting
Sergeant: That's very generous of you.
Mr.Jeremy: Alright we have sorted this
Sergeant: Just a moment Mr.Brown! I haven't made out my report yet.
Mr.Jeremy: Yeah but i've just given you five pounds to forget about it.
Sergeant: Oh no sir! You Very kindly donated five pounds to our charity fund. It wasn't meant
as a bribe, was it sir?
Mr.Jeremy: *takes a step back* No.
Sergeant: Good, now let's take a few names. You madam. Sorry, Mizz *emphasis*.
Miss Dolores: Courtney.
Sergeant: Thank you! You sir.
Juan: Eh.
Sergeant: What's your name?
Juan: Por favor.
*audience laughs*
Sergeant: How do you spell that?
*audience laughs*
Mr.Jeremy: That's not his name.
Sergeant: Ohhh, giving me a false name eh?
Juan: Por favor.
Sergeant: I'll come back to you Mr.Por favor or whatever your name is.

*audience laughs*
Sergeant: You!
Ali: Yes please.
Sergeant: WHAT is your name? *sternly*
Ali: No, Watt is not my name.
*audience laughs*
Sergeant: I don't want to know your name is not! WHAT is your name?
Ali: And I am telling you it is not.
Sergeant: You, what is his name?
Anna: Nine.
Sergeant: Aha! Now we are getting somewhere. *writes down* Mr.Nine.
Anna: That is not his name.
Sergeant: You just said it was.
Anna: You ask me if his name is Watt, and I tell you Nein. Watt is not his name but also not
Nine.
Sergeant: I'm going around the bend! What is his name?
Ranjeet: Absolutely not!
Sergeant: Not what?
Ranjeet: That is correct!
Sergeant: What is your name!? *angrily*
Ranjeet: Wrong again.
*audience laughs*
Max: He is not here!
Sergeant: Who is not here!!
Giovanni: Watt
Sergeant: Pardon.
Giovanni: Who is not here and what is not here neither.
Sergeant: *puts board down* You're all barmy!

*points to Mr.brown and Mr.brown comes closer*

Sergeant: Mr.Brown if I promise not to proceed with this report, will you do me a favour?
Mr.Jeremy: Yes! What is it?
Sergeant: Take these crackpots out of here *audience laughs* and promise to never bring
them back, *LOUDLY* even if they have committed murder!
Scene 7
At school
*Miss Dolores putting something up on the board and Mr.Jeremy enters*
Mr.Jeremy: Good evening Miss courtney or should I say Mizz
Miss Dolores: Please don't remind me of last night's unfortunate incident. Mr.Jeremy: Sorry.
Miss Dolores: I hope you have explained to your Indian lady the difference between free and
free offer. Mr.Jeremy: Oh, yes! She understands it now! Don't worry, it won't happen again.
*a man enters*
Man: Excuse me! I am looking for a Jamila Ranjhatt.
Miss Dolores: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Mr.Jeremy: I hope not. Why do you want Jamila?
Man: She ordered a mini bike from us over a month ago and she hasn't paid for it. We've
sent her three invoices.
Mr.Jeremy: She actually ordered the bike?
Man: Oh yes! She sent in a coupon, look, here it is.
Mr.Jeremy: Oh no, she has done it again. Seven day free trial.
*Jamila enters riding a bike and audience laughs*
*man chases her*.