Murphys laws origin

The following article was excerpted from The Desert Wings March 3, 1978 Murphys Law (If anything can go wrong, it will) was born at Edwards Air Force Base in 1949 at North Base. It was named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on Air Force Project MX981, (a project) designed to see how much sudden deceleration a person can stand in a crash. One day, after finding that a transducer was wired wrong, he cursed the technician responsible and said, If there is any way to do it wrong, hell find it. The contractors project manager kept a list of laws and added this one, which he called Murphys Law. Actually, what he did was take an old law that had been around for years in a more basic form and give it a name. Shortly afterwards, the Air Force doctor (Dr. John Paul Stapp) who rode a sled on the deceleration track to a stop, pulling 40 Gs, gave a press conference. He said that their good safety record on the project was due to a firm belief in Murphys Law and in the necessity to try and circumvent it. Aerospace manufacturers picked it up and used it widely in their ads during the next few months, and soon it was being quoted in many news and magazine articles. Murphys Law was born. The Northrop project manager, George E. Nichols, had a few laws of his own. Nichols Fourth Law says, Avoid any action with an unacceptable outcome. The doctor, well-known Col. John P. Stapp, had a paradox: Stapps Ironical Paradox, which says, The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle. Nichols is still around. At NASAs Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, hes the quality control manager for the Viking project to send an unmanned spacecraft to Mars.
Murphys Law or Sods Law?

While I admit that the name of Murphys laws is a pleasant one as is the story of how it came to light, but the original name for if anything can go wrong it will was sods law because it would happen to any poor sod who needed such a catastrophic event the least. It also removes the ability to say I coined this phrase! because sods law has been around long before any living man and has existed in many forms for hundreds of years. In the English County of Yorkshire I know it to have been around for generations because it has been passed through several Yorkshire families I know. But this original name is dying out because sod over here is a cursory so is not used much. Murphys on the other hand is nothing insulting or lacking in hope I hope this clears any problems up and while this maybe hard to come to terms with, think about it, would such an obvious piece of logic have only come about in the second half of the 20th century???? Chris Monkman In the late 1960s I read an article that was photocopied from a magazine where I saw the term Murphys Law coined. Should I say, I believe the term was coined in this article. It had a photo of a bearded man in the upper right corner. The article began simply by describing all the things that had gone wrong in Murphys life. Near the end of the first section of the article it described the formalization of Murphys Law, as Murphy was waiting for the pending birth of his first child. Later in the article other formulations/corollaries of Murphys law were described. The most memorable one was the mathematical formulation. It was pictured in the text as 1 + 1 -> 2, where the -> was a hand with the index finger pointing to the right. The text defined -> as hardly every equals. What prompted me to write this was the foot note on this page, where the author of this comment indicated that the law was not formalized at Edwards Air Force Base, but rather another source. To the best of my memory, it was in or about the fall of 1968, I saw the photo copied article that presented Murphys Law. I do not remember the magazine or its date.

What lead me to this site was the quest for the article described above. To my suprise and disappointment, no one has included the article. I would be interesting to publish this description and see if anyone else remembers the article or any other facts that would help find it.
Joe Smith One more thing about the origin of Murphy Law

One important fact about Murphys Law was that it was not actually coined by Murphy, but by another man of the same name.
Michael Another thing about the origin of Murphy Law

can anyone originate a law? I thought that they could only be discovered Erin How Mr. Murphy died: One dark evening (in the U.S.), Mr. Murphys car ran out of gas. As he hitchhiked to a gas station, while facing traffic and wearing white, he was struck from behind by a British tourist who was driving on the wrong side of the road.
Terry Maynard Another story about the origin of Murphys Law

Commander J. Murphy USN was a procurement officer for the US Navy in the 1930s. He was in charge of the procurement of aircraft. When monitoring the design and development of new aircraft, he tried to instill simplicity of maintenance into the likes of Douglas and Grumman. Apparently one of his most belabored expressions was: If an aircraft fitter on one of our carriers can re-install a serviced component wrongly, then one day he will. Gradually, this got changed into the more familiar version we know today, according to the version on the origin of Murphys Law I heard. Incidentally, a lot of Brits think that Murphys Law is an Irish joke. Murphy is an Irish name of course, and the Irish have been the butt of jokes from Brits for a long time. Anyway, a lot of Brits seem to think that what Murphys Law refers to is that the Irish are to blame for things going wrong because they are careless or stupid or both, at least according to British mythology on the Irish.

Murphys laws

If anything can go wrong, it will

MacGillicuddys Corollary: At the most inopportune time If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop Corollary: It will be impossible to fix the fifth fault, without breaking the fix on one or more of the others Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something Nature always sides with the hidden flaw Corollary: The hidden flaw never stays hidden for long. Mother nature is a bitch.
Murphys Law of Thermodynamics

Things get worse under pressure.

The Murphy Philosophy

Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

Quantization Revision of Murphys Laws

Everything goes wrong all at once.

Murphys Constant

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

Murphys Law of Research

Enough research will tend to support whatever theory. Research supports a specific theory depending on the amount of funds dedicated to it.
Addition to Murphys Laws

In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.
More Laws

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem. Nothing is as easy as it looks. Everything takes longer than you think. Everything takes longer than it takes. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. Every solution breeds new problems. The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance. No matter how perfect things are made to appear, Murphys law will take effect and screw it up. You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. The chance of the buttered side of the bread falling face down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
More Laws of Selective Gravitation.

A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage. A shatterproof object will always fall on the only surface hard enough to crack or break it. A paint drip will always find the hole in the newspaper and land on the carpet underneath (and will not be discovered until it has dried). A dropped power tool will always land on the concrete instead of the soft ground (if outdoors) or the carpet (if indoors) - unless it is running, in which case it will fall on something it can damage (like your foot). If a dish is dropped while removing it from the cupboard, it will hit the sink, breaking the dish and chipping or denting the sink in the process. A valuable dropped item will always fall into an inaccessible place (a diamond ring down the drain, for example) - or into the garbage disposal while it is running. If you use a pole saw to saw a limb while standing on an aluminum ladder borrowed from your neighbor, the limb will fall in such a way as to bend the ladder before it knocks you to the ground. If you pick up a chunk of broken concrete and try to pitch it into an adjacent lot, it will hit a tree limb and come down right on the drivers side of your car windshield.

More Laws of Selective Gravitation CKLW Page

were sent by Jack from the Classic

The greater the value of the rug, the greater the probability that the cat will throw up on it. You will always find something in the last place you look. If youre looking for more than one thing, youll find the most important one last. It is never in the last place you look. It is in the first place you look, but never discovered on the first attempt. After you bought a replacement for something youve lost and searched for everywhere, youll find the original. You have to look where you lost it. No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after youve bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. The other line always moves faster. In order to get a loan, you must first prove you dont need it. Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought. If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up. If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there. Theres never time to do it right, but theres always time to do it over. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening. Murphys golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. No good deed goes unpunished. Where patience fails, force prevails.. Erma Bombeck Anything dropped in the bathroom will fall in the toilet.. Heisenberg indetermination principle applied to ill luck: The better you know the amount of ill luck that will strike you, the worse you know when this will happen, and vice-versa. and Relativistic correction of Murphys law: Whether things can go wrong or not, it depends on your frame of reference. Corollary (otherwise said: ill luck is actually absolute): Regardless of your frame of reference, things will go wrong anyway. If you want something bad enough, chances are you wont get it.

If you think you are doing the right thing, chances are it will back-fire in your face. When waiting for traffic, chances are that when one lane clears the other is congested. Just when you think things cannot get any worse, they will. Remember the Boomer-rang effect; Whatever you do will always come back. If you re-act to actions, youve acted on actions. He who angers you controls you, there-fore you have no control over your anger. Any time you put an item in a safe place, it will never be seen again. Your best golf shots always occur when playing alone. The worst golf shots always occur when playing with someone you are trying to impress. No matter how hard you try, you cannot push a string. (getting everyone in the family to the car at the same time for example) The fish are always biting....yesterday! You will never leave a parking space without someone in an adjacent space leaving at the same time. The cost of the hair do is directly related to the strength of the wind. Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements are never forgotten. The clothes washer/dryer will only eat one of each pair of socks., When you see light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel will cave in. Or in another version The light at the end of the tunnel is a train Being dead right, wont make you any less dead. and Having the right of way, wont make you any less dead. Sent by anonymous Whatever you want, you cant have, what you can have, you dont want. Whatever you want to do, is Not possible, what ever is possible for you to do, you dont want to do it. Traffic is inversely proportional to how late you are, or are going to be. The complexity and frustration factor is inversely proportional to how much time you have left to finish, and how important it is. Crespins law of observation: the probability of being observed is in direct proportion to the stupidity of ones actions If you go to bed with an itchy ass, you wake up with smelly fingers. A knowledge of Murphys Law is no help in any situation. If you apply Murphys Law, it will no longer be applicable. If you say something, and stake your reputation on it, you will lose your reputation. no matter where I go, there I am Where patience fails, force prevails. Murphys Law Current Revision Any thing that can go wrong, HAS Already Gone Wrong! You just havent been notified.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not Eureka! but Thats funny... Said by Isaac Asimov A former colleague of Russell Cooper once claimed that Murphy had plagiarized his Gambles Law which says that The letter box is always on the other side of the road If many things can go wrong, they will all go wrong at the same time. If anything can go wrong, it will happen to the crankiest person. Waxmans Law: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. Skarstads Observation You will never find any more loose change than you have already lost. If authority was mass, stupidity would be gravity. all good things come to those who wait... but , dont wait too long or they will pass you by... like 2 ships that pass in the night... never again to return that same exact site. If anything was worth doing, it wouldve already been done. Corollary: Nothing is worth doing. You can do anything except light a paper match on a marshmallow under wate Ants will always infest the nearest food cupboard. Longs Law Those who know the least will always know it the loudest. McFalls Maxim No degree of acceptance can ever change the facts. Translation: You may come to terms with being screwed, but nevertheless youre still screwed. Hunters Corollary to Murphys Law: Things always go from bad to worse. Hunters Observation on Beauty: Beauty is only skin deep, fashion even shallower. Hunters Observation on Experts: An expert is someone with an opinion and a word processor. Hunters Observation on Sugarcoating: All pornography is air-brushed or computer-enhanced. Hunters Observation on hypocrites: A person without values or standards can never be a hypocrite. Hunters Observation on Education and Oz: We can give you a diploma, but we cant give you a brain. Sgt. Murphys Law Dont get into a pissing contest with a skunk. The Law of Stupid Tricks Just because you CAN do something doesnt mean you SHOULD. Garbage abhors a vacuum. It will grow to fill available space. Corollary: The more space you have, the more junk youll have. Paper is always strongest at the perforation.

Things are never as good as they are bad. Chaos always wins, because its better organized. The Wingwalkers Rule: Dont let go of something until you have a hold of something else. Sent by D. Kinloch. A bird in the hand is messy. The mud that wont come off on the doormat immediately adheres to the carpet. When you wear new shoes for the first time, everyone will step on them. If Murphys law is correct, everything East of the San Andreas Fault will slide int If Murphys Law can go wrong it will. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come... If at first you dont succeed destroy all evidence that you ever tried. Mrs. Murphys Law: If anything can go wrong it will go wrong when Mr. Murphy is out of town.... If all else fails, hit it with a big hammer. Warneke Law You cannot force Murphys Law to happen and you cant use it in reverse. When something goes wrong, you cannot find the solution in the instruction booklet, but someone else always does. Everything in life is important, important things are simple, simple things are never easy. Think about it, complete the circle. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, the pessimist fears this is true. You will find an easy way to do it, after youve finished doing it. Hofstadters Law: It always takes longer than you think, even when you take into account Hofstadters Law. In Las Vegas, wherever you want to go in a casino, its as far as possible from where you are, no matter where you are. The wind will always blow opposite to your hairdo Wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo. The probability of the toast landing peanut-butter-side-down is directly proportionate to the cost of the carpeting. Laundry Math:1 Washer + 1 Dryer + 2 Socks = 1 Sock Window polishing: Its always on the other side. Halls Law: Anyone who isnt paranoid simply isnt paying attention. A valuable falling in a hard to reach place will be exactly at the distance of the tip of your fingers. If a valuable falls in a hard to reach place at a distance shorter than the tip of your finger, as soon as you try to reach it youll push it to that distance. If it looks good, And it taste good, And it feels good,

There has got to be something wrong some where, So be careful. Two heads are better than one, even if one is a sheep head. The probability of rain is inversely proportional to the size of the umbrella you carry around with you all day. No matter how hard you try, every once in a while, something is going right. Behind every little problem theres a larger problem, waiting for the little problem to get out of the way. When you really need something, its either not available, or cant be found. When you dont need it, its either available, or lays around in plain sight. Whenever you cut your finger nails, you find a need for them an hour later. Law of Conservation of Filth: In order for something to get clean, something else must get dirty. Conclusion to the Law of Conservation of Filth: It is possible for everything to get dirty and nothing to get clean. The file you are looking for is always at the bottom of the largest pile. Nothing is impossible for the man who doesnt have to do it himself. Gumpersons Law: The likelihood of something happening is in inverse proportion to the desirability of it happening. Uffelmans Razor: [Given Murphys law, ...] One should not attribute to evil design any unfortunate result which can be attributed to error. A mistake (or series of mistakes) is the simpler and more likely explanation. Conspiracy Corollary to Uffelmans Razor: Nothing should be attributed to conspiracy that can be explained by error or a succession of errors. o Example 1: The alleged conspiracy to fake the Apollo moon landing. Such an undertaking would be so likely to result in multiple glitches that it would be nearly impossible to pull off. Thus, conspiracy is an unlikely explanation of events. Accordingly, the evidence of the faked landing is more likely a result of the errors of those interpreting the evidence than of the evil design of the alleged conspirators. o Example 2: The Warren Report. Any open questions in the Warren Report are more likely the result of the errors of the Warren commission, or the errors of those interpreting the Warren Report, than the result of a conspiracy to cover up the true facts. Probability law: Probabilities serve only and exclusively to determine the degree of improbability of the catastrophes that actually take place. Corollary: If something is likely to happen AND desirable, it wont happen. Common Sense Is Not So Common Power Is Taken... Not Given Two wrongs dont make a right. It usually takes three or four. If the truth is in your favor no one will believe you. When things go from bad to worse, the cycle repeats.

Laws are like a spider web, in that it snares the poor and weak while the rich and powerful brake them. Solon, ancient Greece key to happiness is to be O.K. with not being O.K. The two most abundant things in all the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Stupidity is the fundamental driving force of the Universe, which explains why stupid people always go wrong. Every rule has an exception except the Rule of Exceptions. If your action has a 50% possibility of being correct, you will be wrong 75% of the time. If you plan for something to go wrong, and it doesnt go wrong, it would have been ultimately profitable for it to go wrong. Common sense isnt. The difference between Stupidity and Genius is that Genius has its limits. The universe is great enough for all possibilities to exist. Those who dont take decisions never make mistakes. The only price you pay for greatness is knowing that it cant last forever. Anything that cant possible in a million years go wrong, will go wrong. Anything that seems right, is putting you into a false sense of security. If everything seems great, its already gone wrong. The only time youre right, is when its about being wrong. The only times somethings right, is when everyone agrees its wrong. If a Murphy law is tried to be used to have a desired outcome, the law will backfire. Its never so bad it couldnt be worse. Murphys Metalaw Knowing Murphys Law will never help. Occult Principle of Murphism To know Murphys Law is to draw its attention. Avoidance Law If for some reason Murphys Law fails to operate, it is building up for something big. Hermetic Murphism As above, so below. The big catastrophes are made up of smaller ones. Buddhas Version of Murphys Law Decay is inherent in all things, strive unceasingly. Flemings corollary: Nothing ever gets better. Murphologists Curse Given time one can develop a sense of how Murphys Law will act, but the Murphy Sense will tingle only after it is too late to keep the excreta from impacting the rotating blade based wind generator. The probability that something can go wrong is directly proportional to the square of the amount of inconvenience it can cause you

Everything that could possibly go wrong for anyone else always seems to happen to you Law of cooperatives In any particular situation, if three things can go wrong, they usually do in sequence, each facilitating the occurrence of the next Mr. Murphy warning: Dont mess with Mrs. Murphy Mrs. Murphys Law: If something goes wrong, its Mr. Murphys fault. Mrs. Murphys Law If anything can go wrong it will, and when it does, the woman will get the blame Lewis Axiom The person ahead of you in the queue, will have the most complex transaction possible Every problem is replaceable with a bigger one. Another name for Murphys law: The law of conservation of misery Carvalheiros deduction If in a particular circumstance Murphys law dont apply, then something must be wrong Sharads Law If Murphys law is right then it will go wrong A law about websites: The more important it is to get to a website, the greater the chance the server is down.
Laws about this site:

The More the number of laws you claim to have, the more the number of laws you are going to miss. This site wont open when you want to show someone what exactly Murphy laws are Remember: Shit happens Murphys law is intrinsic. And on the eighth day God said;O.K. Murphy, you take over! Larry Nivens summary of Murphys Law: The perversity of the universe tends to a maximum. The road to success is always under construction
and never forget OTooles Corollary or Sods Law or McGillicuddy Law Murphy was an optimist

Well, there are a lot of people who think he was an optimist, arent there? Or in other words: someone else always seems to get the credit for your work. The harder you work the more people there will be to claim credit except when it backfires. You get all the credit for the dumb move.
Murphy was an extreme optimist!

And well end this page with something optimistic (dont hit me).

Dont worry about Murphys Law, you know its gonna happen anyway, so just get on with it and get it over with! The humor of Murphys Law leaves you laughing at the end of the day. If you make it through a Murphy Day...you win!

Murphys love laws

All the good ones are taken. If the person isnt taken, theres a reason. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant. This constant is always zero. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. Money cant buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Nice guys (girls) finish last. The good ones die first. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. Nothing improves with age. No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again. Sex has no calories. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got. No sex with anyone in the same office. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. A man in the house is worth two in the street. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Virginity can be cured. When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later. Sex is dirty only if its done right. It is always the wrong time of month. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. Sow your wild oats on Saturday nightThen on Sunday pray for crop failure. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Love your neighbor, but dont get caught. Love is a hole in the heart. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Do it only with the best. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. One good turn gets most of the blankets. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Anonymous comment: The person who said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...NEVER loved and lost! Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood. Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. Never argue with a women when shes tiredor rested. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. Never say no. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. Love comes in spurts. The world does not revolve on an axis. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. Dont do it if you cant keep it up. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. This wont hurt, I promise. Nothing improves with age. An ex-wife/husband will always be till death do us part. When a man wants his wife to hear, she doesnt listen. When that same man doesnt want his wife to hear, shes all ears. Its always easier to get a partner if you already have one. Although it may seem like that on the outside, no one is having fun being single If youre heart is broken, sweep up the pieces. There will always be someone who will want to put it back together. Love and high-school must NEVER go together. If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong? Show me a husband who wont, Ill show you a neighbor who will It doesnt matter HOW good it was, if you end up worrying or regretting it, it was bad sex You get the best sex from the worst one for you Never trust a woman who acts like you are so sexy she cant help herself but drag you to bed No one is as fascinating as they think If you believe a relationship cant work, but feel the need to try, it wont. Corollary: You will later find out that your lack of belief caused it to fail. The duration of a relationship to a person is inversely proportionate to the importance of person to you. The Key to a womans heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time. Sent by Finding Forrester. The two thing no man can ever understand; Women and what makes all men complete damm fools over women. Love makes believers of us all. Translation: Love obscures common sense. Being taken attracts women. Being single makes them avoid you like the plague. If you go behind a girl you are heading to trouble. In the eternal battle of the sexes, women are already the winners. When with your girlfriend you will always have gas. Celibacy is not heredity. The hornier someone is, the less likely that it will be they have sex. Corollary Horniness is inversely related to ones chance of scoring The man shalt not win the argument he started The man shalt not win the argument he didnt start If a man won an argument, it was just in his head (for the ladies) Try and try as you might, there will still be times where men are just assholes. We cant help it and were sorry A love will tell you they love you endlessly. A true love will tell everyone else they love you endlessly despite the embarrassment factor When all else fails, have hope Eichels Rule - During sex, try to sweat

In Romance; and in Finance we play with Figures. A cauliflower resembles a rose, if your eyesight is not 6/6 Before falling in love do take your backup, it always helps in recovery. if a man has it he wont want it, the guy who buys it wont use it, the guy who uses it could give a shit about it, so dont give a shit and you will have it all. Love has all the answers. But till then sex brings up some good questions. Sex on the TV cant hurt you unless you fall off. Anticipation is 98% of the pleasure The amount of members of the opposite sex you pursue is inversely proportional to pretty much everything about you, such as intelligence. If you are interested in someone, a close friend will grab their attention. This is especially likely if they: A.) Dont want the attention of said person and/or B.) Are already dating someone else The ABC rule: If A is attracted to B, and you are attracted to C, A has a better chance with B than you do with C. B and C are often the same person. The uglier the girl the closer she lives. If any things will happen on the first date, you wont have a condom. The size of the pencil is not as important as the quality of the writing. Corollaries: The quality of the writing is affected by the quality of the paper. Regardless of how well one writes, it is difficult to write at all unless there is lead in the pencil. Marriage is the greatest leveler. Girls are like toilet rooms. Either it is taken, or full of sh*t. If youre having difficulties choosing between potential two girls, youll always pick the wrong one. If it seems perfect today, tomorrow it will end. If a girl tell you lets stay friends, she wont call ever again. If you call, she wont answer. Youll always catch fever before the first date. Never make love in your back garden. Love is blind, but not your neighbors. Or in another version: Dont make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors aint. Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener When it comes to love and lost, doing the right thing always hurts. Being honest with someone will always turn that person into an enemy. When youre girlfriend says that you have to talk the relationship is over. The day you decide to tell youre girlfriend you could not live without her she will leave you the next day. Youre best friend stop being youre best friend the instant a beautiful woman walks in and you both are attracted to her. The more you want a women the least she will want you.

When she says: Dont buy me anything expensive and you listen, expect to be single. Even the most beautiful woman in the world has at least one guy who is tired of her. If you marry a beautiful girl shell turn into her mother. If you marry a plain girl shell turns into her dad. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife. But they never said anything about their daughter. The mother of the man, or the father of the woman you love will invariably hate you. The best men (or women) are always takenor crazy. When you take your time getting ready your date will arrive 20 min. early; when youre on time theyre 30 min. late. As soon as you break up the man (or woman) who couldnt commit TO YOU will get married. A good women/men are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken. Procrastination is a lot like masturbation, it feels good until you realize your just fucking yourself Last two laws were sent by Ryan Shuck Women are like boats: they require constant maintenance and attention, and they cost a lot of money. Men are like buses: another one will eventually come along. Sent by Neil Never forget: Dont fuck with Mrs. Murphy! Sent by Dave Holloway Kracke/Malenka Law: Good from far, far from good. Walter/Kerwin Law: Any good looking person you see that isnt alone, will be accompanied by a person of the opposite sex who doesnt deserve to be with them. The last two laws were sent by Warneke The length of a relationship is directly related to how much you are attracted to your significant other best friend. No woman\men is better than two The last two laws were sent by Bangi Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question - YES is the answer. Sent by Ross Henderson Romanceis when common sense flies out of the window. Being told your the nicest guy they know is the kiss of death. Sent by Ryan Shuck Everybody is most horny when alone. Sent by Timothy Boilard Beauty is directly proportional to the number of drinks consumed. Corollary: Beauty is also directly related to the time remaining until last call. The other side lawyers are always better then yours. The last two laws were sent by Murphy

the partner you want dont want you. The ones that want you are not made for you. Sent by Argiris Any Why question, has no answer, and if it does, that answer is not logical. Sent by Alexandra Love will cause people to do stupid things. Loving someone to much may be cause for a restraining order. If you love a person let them go. If they dont come back they werent worth it. Sex ends all interest. Cute now equal annoying later. The last five laws were sent by Nicolina DiRuscio Not everything takes longer than you expect. Sent by Suresh Its only kinky the first time you do it. Sent by Brian Clinton Halmos law: To get your significant other you need: Time. Money and Energy. The sum of the three is constant. If you are short of one of them, you need quite a lot of the remaining two. If you are short of two of them, you need tremendous amount of the remaining one. If you are short of all the three, no hope. Otherwise the result is always success. Sent by Tony Halmos. Age: 67 The love of your life will only want you back once you are in another serious relationship. Sent by Ana M. You dont pay for sex, you pay him/her to leave after youre done. Sent by Ryan Shuck Beaches law: If you think a girl is beautiful, her boyfriend will always be there to confirm it. Seduction law: Your seduction potential is inversely proportional to your willingness to seduce The last two laws were sent by Sylvain Galibert The most intelligent statements will be thought of at the most inappropriate times. (i.e. during a make out session, strike up a law of Quantum physics, thus demonstrating that you are not interested in the other person). Sent by David Poole You never truly know a significant other until you meet him/her in a court of law. No matter how beautiful/wonderful s/he may seem to be, theres always someone out there thats sick and tired of his/her s**t too. The last two laws were sent by Bob. The boyfriend of the girl you like is a ... Sent by C If (s)he wants to dump you, (s)he will find a reason. or

If (s)he wants to dump you, (s)he will. Sent by Anjana G. Ranasooriya (wo)man = time + money time = money (wo)man = money2 Money = evil (money is root of evil) man = evil Sent by AFsoldier I know the math here doesnt hold. but its funny, so Ill leave it here. Marriage is like a dog with a bone, he might not touch it, just doesnt let another dogs come near it. Sent by Airbornemonty Everything that glitters, is not WET. Sent by Ashish Chandra When you finally bed the attractive blond/e, s/hell nick your wallet and watch. Unless you owe him/her fifty quid. Sent by Ed Smith Marriage is the ending of a perfectly good sex life Sent by askingduncan Albert Einstein Gravity Law Gravity cannot be held responsible for 2 people falling in love. Sent by John A. Oxford The difference between love and the common cold is that for the common cold there is a vaccine. Sent by Takura Razemba The Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson law for celebrity couple Persona-polarization: The most beautiful women in the world, always marry the most ugly men. The Carmen Electra/ Dennis Rodman corollary The most beautiful men in the world ALSO marry the most ugly AND most crazy men in the world. Sent by Bob Schreib Jr. If you love her/him, s/he doesnt love you If you are in love, he/she isnt If you want love, you dont get it If a beautiful wo/man loves you, its fake If you are happy together, wait till you are married The last five laws were sent by Stefan Farkas Its always the quiet ones that have the two dozen corpses in their basements. Sent by Bo Zhang love can be your best friend and/or your worst enemy Sent by Jennifer W. Wedding cake cures nymphomania. Sent by Juggy Everyone believe in love, but wonder if it exists Sent by Sushil Choudhari

You may get off on a cheap hooker but you cant get off on a cheap lawyer Sent by Ryan Shuck The one thing that will almost certainly come between two friends is a girl Sent by Aditya The sexier a man is, the better the chances that he is gay Sent by M. Being told that someone doesnt want to date you because youre such a good friend, is like being told that you didnt get the job because youre overqualified Sent by Vin Burgh When youve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow Sent by Joe Fox the girl/boyfriend who says s/he is... isnt Sent by Micah Tolbert You dont fall in love, you fall in a hole. The depth of the hole is proportionate to how oblivious you are of the fall. Sent by R. Jones The best way to get over a woman.....is to get over another Sent by Huzaifa Ayaz You always need a more patient partner no matter how patient s/he is Sent by Aman J Singh Even when a man is listening, hes gonna get it wrong. Sent by Cy Hilterman Absence makes the heart go wander. Sent by ??? The person you want the most will end up with the person you hate the most. If you get it, it will be taken away. The last two laws were sent by Peter V. Garalde The perfection of a person is proportional to how much you love him/her. The imperfection of a person is proportional to how much you hate him/her. The last two laws were sent by Safwan Aumari Rebillots Law of Infertility: You never know that youre infertile until you try to fertilize. In any married couple, both members think that they will be the first one to die, which means that at least 50% of the people will be wrong. The last two laws were sent by John Rebillot Youll think of a great line to say to someone the moment after your chance is gone. Sent by Adrian Pieiro

Murphys technology laws

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and hell believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and hell have to touch to be sure. great discoveries are made by mistake. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. Alls well that ends. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. The first myth of management is that it exists. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection. New systems generate new problems. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. We dont know one millionth of one percent about anything. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Arthur C. Clark A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest days work. Some people manage by the book, even though they dont know who wrote the book or even what book. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most. After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. .Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a Pearl Harbor File. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases. If you cant understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order. In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday. Fill whats empty. Empty whats full. And scratch where it itches. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. The only perfect science is hind-sight. Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling. If its not in the computer, it doesnt exist. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. When all else fails, read the instructions. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Everything that goes up must come down. Corollary: Not always The corollary was sent by the Dark Templar Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management. A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail. There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches. If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Sent by - Anthony Johnson If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you: 1. no longer need it 2. are in the middle of something else 3. dont want it to be fixed, because you really dont want to do what you were supposed to do Each profession talks to itself in its own language, apparently there is no Rosetta Stone The more urgent the need for a decision to be made, less apparent become the identity of the decision maker The last two laws were sent by - Foes Arvin It is never wise to let a piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry. Sent by - Charles L. Mays Dont fix something that aint broke, cause youll break it and you still cant fix it You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Chong Kwong Sheng addition:

Only by the splatter of the blood stains The last two laws were sent by Chong Kwong Sheng Dobies Dogma: If you are not thoroughly confused, you have not been thoroughly informed. Sent by Richard Bobbitt A screw will never fit a nut. Standard parts are not. The last two laws were sent by Kent Berg When working on a motor vehicle engine, any tool dropped will land directly under the center of the engine. Sent by king Ed Interchangeable tapes wont. Sent by Jeff Webb Never trust modern technology. Trust it only when it is old technology. Sent by The High Rabbit The bolt that is in the most awkward place will always be the one with the tightest thread. Sent by Stan Gajda The most ominous phrase in science: _Uh_-oh . . . Sent by Yael Dragwyla The 2nd worst thing you can hear the tech say is Oops! The worst thing you can hear the tech say is oh s**t! Any example of hardware/software can be made fool-proof. It cannot, however, be made damn-fool-proof. The last two laws were sent by Guy Dunn The Rossemblat Graphic Insult Theory: When any technological change is made, we have a graphic insult curve. No mater how high the insult curve climb, the important thing is how long it goes. Sent by Leon Rossemblat Bahamans Law: for any given software, the moment you manage to master it, a new version of that software appears. Sent by Bahaman. Yakkos addition: The new version always manages to change the one feature you need most. Sent by Yakko In todays fast-moving tech environment, it is a requirement that we forget more than we learn. Sent by Beverly Harris It is simple to make something complex, and complex to make it simple. Sent by Fred Buterbaugh Measurements will be quoted in the least practical unit; velocity, for example, will be measured in furlongs-per-fortnight. Sent by Keith Hipkins

In electronics repair the part with the highest failure rate will always be located in the least accessible area of the equipment. Sent by Richard Multi-million pound technology is worthless in the hands of morons. Sent by Danny The rule of Protection: If you install a 50 fuse to protect a 100$ component, the 100$ component will blow to protect the 50 fuse. Sent by Bob Holdener Karl Imhoff was a German engineer who developed sewage treatment systems in the early 1900s. His biggest contribution was the Imhoff Tank, which allows sewage to settle. The Imhoff Law relates to bosses everywhere. The law goes as follows: The largest chunks always rise to the top. Sent by P R Suhr High tech man-year = 730 people trying to finish a project before lunch. Sent by Eric An expert will always state the obvious. Sent by Lawman The boss is always right. Corollary: If the boss is wrong, refer back to the rule. Sent by RC On a cruise ship, the one, most important part you dont have in stock always breaks on a Friday evening, just when you left harbor and the next time you will be in harbor is a Sunday or Christmas eve. Sent by Jouni Sironen - a long time sound & light technician on cruise ships. The chance a copy machine will brake down is proportional to the importance of the material that needs to be copied and inversely proportional to the amount of time till the material will be needed. Sent by Timothy Boilard Maintenance department neglect customers complains till it starts installations in customers new projects. Sent by Khaled Murphys Law on HVAC systems: An HVAC (Heating Ventilating and Air Conditioning) engineering firm, will invariably lease office space in a building with a lousy HVAC system. Sent by Michael W. Murphy who has worked in 6 HVAC firm offices and can back this law up. All the engineers can do is shiver or sweat and moan about it, and say how they would fix it if the building owner actually gave a damn. The probability any machine breaks down increases with the importance of expected visit. Sent by Asier Zabarte if it works in theory, it wont work in practice. if it works in practice it wont work in theory. Sent by Kevin

Research Law: No matter how clever and complete your research is, there is always someone who knows more. Sent by J. Lawrence Katz Somers Law of Repair: No part ever fails where you can reach it, or where there is enough light to see how to replace it. Sent by John Somers Any tool dropped will fall where it can cause the most damage. Any wire cut to length will be too short. Equivalent replacement parts arent. The last three laws were sent by Bill Selover When you finally update to a new technology, is when everyone stop supporting it. Interchangeable parts arent Sent by trekker508 The proposed size of any project is inversely proportional to the size the project will eventually become. Corollary: Any project that can consume more resources before reaching its final state will do so. This will happen faster than you think. Also, the investors will not be happy. Sent by Jon Proesel The less intelligent the idea, and the person stating it, the more likely it will be funded. Sent by Brad Gochnauer A man with one watch is certain about time. A man with two watches isnt. The more knowledge you gained, the less certain you are of it. If you think you understand science (or computers or women), youre clearly not an expert Technicians are the only ones that dont trust technology The last four laws were sent by Jan Wenall All impossible failures, will happen at the test site. Corollary: All impossible failures will happen on the clients desktop Corollary sent by Dino Price The more you want to contact someone over an instant messenger is inversely proportional to the chances that they will be online. The more important your email is, the worse your email client will screw it up. The last two laws were sent by Padme The degree to which a device will function is directly proportional to the number of times it has been bashed and inversely to its cost. A device having an indestructible component or is user serviceable is deemed unsafe until its replaced by an expensive, unobtainable, inefficient component which needs constant servicing. The last two laws were sent by Takura Razemba Assafs Laws of Replacement Parts

o o

A failed 25 part cannot be replaced by a new 25 part, but by a subassembly whose cost is equal to or greater than that of the device in need of the part The cost and availability of a replacement part are in inverse proportion to the cost of the whole system: a $1500 device will fail because of the burnout of a 25 capacitor. But the 25 capacitor is either no longer manufactured manufactured only by a company in Outer Mongolia with an 18month backlog available only as part of a $1450 sub-assembly

Sent by Francis Assaf

All things mechanical/electrical will catastrophically fail after the guarantee has expired, unless an extended guarantee has been purchased. Sent by Blair Murray The Harvard Principle: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of temperature, humidity, pressure, etc., the organism will do as it damn well pleases. First Law of Linear Equations: Given any system n linear equations, there will be n+1 unknowns The last two laws were sent by Bill Pramik The disappearance of a nagging error in a system is explicable only in terms of insignificant contribution of the source to that system Sent by Manjunatha M, an application engineer The repairman will have never seen a model quite like yours before Sent by Christa Law of Repairmen: The repairman fixes your machine to break down the next day and charges for a new machine. Sent by Eddy Cosma

Murphys computers laws

Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory. The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. Every non- trivial program has at least one bug Corollary 1 - A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs. Corollary 2 - At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.

Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another unrelated part is modified. The subtlest bugs cause the greatest damage and problems. Corollary - A subtle bug will modify storage thereby masquerading as some other problem. Lulled into Security Law A debugged program that crashes will wipe out source files on storage devices when there is the least available backup. A hardware failure will cause system software to crash, and the customer engineer will blame the programmer. A system software crash will cause hardware to act strangely and the programmers will blame the customer engineer. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers can not write in English. The documented interfaces between standard software modules will have undocumented quirks. The probability of a hardware failure disappearing is inversely proportional to the distance between the computer and the customer engineer. A working program is one that has only unobserved bugs. No matter how many resources you have, it is never enough. Any cool program always requires more memory than you have. When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space. Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void. If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash. If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes. No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase. All components become obsolete. The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component. Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user. The maintenance engineer will never have seen a model quite like yours before. It is axiomatic that any spares required will have just been discontinued and will be no longer in stock. Any VDU, from the cheapest to the most expensive, will protect a twenty cent fuse by blowing first. Any manufacturer making his warranties dependent upon the device being earthed will only supply power cabling with two wires. If a circuit requires n components, then there will be only n - 1 components in locally-held stocks.

A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. A program generator creates programs that are more buggy than the program generator. All Constants are Variables. Sent by Risto Matikainen Constants arent Variables wont The last two laws were sent by Hnathoo A part dropped from the workbench will roll to a degree of un-reachability proportional to its importance. Sent by Neal Buddenberg In a transistor circuit protected by a fuse, the transistor will always blow to protect the fuse. Sent by Neal Buddenberg The best way to see your boss is to access the internet. Or... No matter how hard you work, the boss will only appear when you access the internet. The hard drive on your computer will only crash when it contains vital information that has not been backed up. The last two laws were sent by Charles L. Mays Computers dont make errors-What they do they do on purpose. Sent by Terry Jaster If Murphys laws are so true then how come I can log onto this site and submi............ [connection reset - error message 928 ] Sent by Paul Breen Gumptions Law (?) Any problem, no matter how complex, can be found by simple inspection. Corollary: A nagging intruder with unsought advice will spot it immediately. Sent by Ray Geist who found it handy when he was debugging computer code. Each computer code has five bugs, and tis number does not depend on how many bugs have been already found (it is conservative). Sent by Andrew Profanity is one language all computer users know. Sent by Jeff Webb The number of bugs always exceeds the number of lines found in a program. Sent by Yaron Budowski The most ominous words for those using computers: Daddy, what does Now formatting Drive C mean? Sent by Yael Dragwyla When putting something into memory, always remember where you put it. Sent by Paul Pigott Every non-trivial program contains at least one bug.

Every non-trivial program can be simplified by at least one line of code. The conclusion of the last two laws: Every non trivial program can be simplified to one line of code, and it will contain a bug. Sent by Brandon Aiken An expert is someone brought in at the last minute to share the blame. Sent by Bassey Essien. Debugging is at least twice as hard as writing the program in the first place. So if your code is as clever as you can possibly make it, then by definition youre not smart enough to debug it. Sent by Brian Kernighan Bahamans Law: for any given software, the moment you manage to master it, a new version appears. Sent by Bahaman. Yakkos addition: The new version always manages to change the one feature you need most. Sent by Yakko Patches - dont. Sent by Doru Tasca Most computer errors can be attributed to a similar problem - a screw loose behind the keyboard. Whenever you need a crucial file from the server, the network will be down. Whenever you need a crucial file from your hard drive, your computer will crash. E-mailed tasking will always come just before you log off. A quarantined virus - will be opened. A chain letter - will be sent. To global. A dozen times. The chance of a virus infecting your network is directly proportional to the amount of damage it does. The chances of getting off work on time is inversely proportional to how much email the boss leaves for until end of the day. The faster you need a hardcopy, the more people will be using the only office printer. General Fault Errors are the Check Engine light of computers. If it can be fixed, chances are its not by you. A patch is a piece of software which replaces old bugs with new bugs. The chances of a program doing what its supposed to do is inversely proportional to the number of lines of code used to write it. The last twelve laws were sent by Ryan Sylvester The probability of forgetting your password is directly proportional to the frequency of changing it. No matter how fantastic your latest and greatest PC is, you will be able to buy it for half the price in 12 months. The last two laws were sent by Zain The longer it takes to download a program the more likely it wont run. Sent by Skwirl

Failure is not an option, its included with the software. Sent by Paul A program is good when its bug free - which is impossible. Sent by Hans van Rijsse If you forget to save youre work every 5 minutes, it will break down after youve been at it for an hour. Sent by Eric Guilbault Its not a bug, its an undocumented feature. The amount of time taken to successfully complete a software project is in direct proportion to the amount of Marketing input. Corollary: Marketing should not be located in the same city - much less on the same campus - as Engineering and/or Programming. The only thing worse than an end-user without a clue is an end-user who has a clue - usually the wrong one. According to most Tech Support people, the most common user error message (regardless of Operating System) is ID 10T. End-users Corollary 1: most application failures occur between the hours of 2 and 4 am on a Sunday night - with a 6 am Monday deadline for the project. End-users Corollary 2: On the graveyard shift, theres no Tech Support to hear you scream! The last four laws and corollaries were sent by Jim Kirk Bugs mysteriously appear when you say, Watch this! corollary: If you call another programmer over to see if he knows whats wrong the bug disappears. The corollary was sent by S. Bussell. The probability of bugs appearing is directly proportional to the number and importance of people watching. The last two laws were sent by Bill Smith. An employee rank is in inverse proportion to his use of a computer, and in proportion to its performance. Sent by Dan Wasson The only program that runs perfectly every time, is a virus Sent by DaRk_jAcKaL If a project is completed on schedule, it wasnt debugged properly. Non Crash Operating System arent. The worst bugs in your program will show up only during the final review. The last three laws were sent by Kiran The people who say that computers are simple to use are the same people who tell you how to build a watch when you ask what time it is. Sent by Jack Betz Philingtons First Law If it works, its production. If it doesnt, its a test. Philingtons Second Law Real programmers dont comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. The last two laws were sent by Philip Partington

Format C: fixes all Sent by Ron Westby Law of Computer Generated Aerodynamics Computers suck. Law of Recycling A computer that has been on the market for 6 weeks is still usable as a boat anchor. Law of Anti-security The best way past a pesky security feature is a 13-year-old. Law of Acceleration A computer that has surpassed its users frustration capacity (FC) will accelerate downwards at 9.8 meters per second squared. The last four laws were sent by Timothy Boilard Computers let you waste time efficiently Sent by Jim F. Make a system even a moron can use and a moron will use it. Make one that requires training or intelligence and only a moron will use it, but there will be more help desk calls. Sent by S. Bussell The likelihood of problems occurring is inversely proportional to the amount of time remaining before the deadline. You will always discover errors in your work after you have printed/submitted it. The last two laws were sent by Niels Hageman 90% of a programmer errors come from data from other programmers. Sent by Emanuel Illegal Error messages only happen when you forget to save your work Sent by Abdul Mohsin If you make the letters in your Word document bigger and then you print it out, youll have everything on the first page and only one line on the second. Sent by Nadine the OEM did not actually manufacture the part you need to replace Sent by Bryan Lord By the time you learn your new computer youll need a new one. Sent by romanaround After a software is released, the first bug found will be by a person who normally does not use that portion of the program but was wondering why he cant do something he normally would not do. Sent by Rick G. When the Downloading Window says 99%complete, there will be a fluctuation in the voltage and youll have to start all over again. Sent by Sagar Kalantre Millions of people believe they are animals, but I have yet to meet one that believe in Windows stability. Even human stupidity has limits ;-) Sent by Sylvain Galibert The troubleshooting guide contains the answer to every problem except yours. Sent by Jesse Janowiak

Plugins Law Whenever you install a group of plugins one by one just to find out which one can make your software work, you either havent gotten the right one, or have accidentally skipped the right one or it has become the last one installed. Sent by Laudney Ren No matter what problem you have with your computer - Its Always Microsofts fault Corollary: If its not their fault - Blame them anyway :-) Sent by Andrei Keren You will get disconnected from the Internet or experience a computer crash when you are downloading. If you dont experience one within 80% completion, then it will happen at 99%. If you do manage to get the file, then it will turn out to be completely useless and/or invalid. Sent by Hyung Jin Lee Youll always receive an e-mail from a web site that you never visit before. 75% of the bugs laws in this page can be applied to MS Windows (Any version). The last two laws were sent by Christian C Auto Correct - isnt Microsoft excel- doesnt the last two laws were sent by Alegna If you need to shutdown your PC ASAP, It will restart. The quickest way to shutdown a PC is to unplug it. Corollary: ACPI shutdown (sometimes faster to get to than the plug) does not always work. Corollary: ACPI shutdown will fail most frequently when you run the risk of being caught doing something. Corollaries were sent by Stravag No matter how big a hard drive you buy, youll need to double it in a year. the last three laws were sent by Pliaskos Complete computer breakdown will happen shortly after the maintenance person has left. Sent by Jan Wenall A virus will be erased when the hard drive crashes, making it useless for antivirus program to fix it. Sent by mitch The problem always exists between one keyboard and its respective chair. (On submission problem was insomnia... zzzzzz) Sent by Cpt_Anderson A program that compile on the first run has an error in the algorithm Sent by Iavor Dimitrov Edward V. Berard Law Walking on water and developing software to specification are easy as long as both are frozen. Sent by Andre Van Dun The smaller the size of your email account, the more junk mail you will get

The boss will always come to your workspace when you accidentally open an adult link The more pop-up screens you have, the more likely the boss will come by The last three laws were sent by Mark A computer is only as smart as the person using it If it aint broke, Overclock it! The last two laws were sent by Michael Horvath If youre in a hurry, your computer will crash, a hard drive will become corrupted, or your files will be erased. Any way, youre screwed if you have a deadline. Sent by Logan Software Reliability: Investment in software reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors. Sent by Bill Pramik Computer sadism: When the computer causes physical or mental damage to a person and cant receive such a return favor (due to management rules). Computer masochism: When a computer takes all the abuse you think you can give it and continues working as it should. The sound of grinding metal or the sight of smoke coming from a case is a warning that you are trying to do too much with too little. The survivability of a system is directly proportional to the price of the cooling system applied to it and inversely proportional to the amount of use it sees. Antivirus systems only effectively work on a virus after given virus has passed its prime. The most frightening of viruses is the virus you do not know is already there. The last six laws were sent by Stravag The amount of damage that a string of code can do is inversely proportional to the length of the string Sent by Kit Balmer You only receive instant messaging, when working on a project thats due instantly Sent by Keith When designing a program to handle all possible dumb errors, nature creates a dumber user Sent by Rich Spejcher

Murphys commerce laws

The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. If you cant get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants. Dont be irreplaceable, if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted. It doesnt matter what you do, it only matters what you say youve done and what you say youre going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. The boss is always right. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many. Keep your bosss boss off your bosss back. Everything can be filed under miscellaneous. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. In case of an atomic bomb attack, work rules will be temporarily suspended. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isnt the work he is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. If someone says he will do something without fail, he wont. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldnt. People are always available for work in the past tense. People dont make the same mistake twice, they make it three, four, or five times. If it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you dont know what to do, walk fast and look worried. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. Following the rules will not get the job done. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The longer the title, the less important the job. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. Progress is only made on alternate Tuesdays. An acceptable level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. The employee who has performed his duties faithfully and without fault for 5 years will be given an increase of five cents per day in his pay - provided the profits allow it. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for ones own. Success is a matter of luck, just ask any failure. The value of any job task is inversely proportional to its deadline. Sent by Ray Geist When you see an item in the flyer, by the time you get to the store its either sold out or the price has doubled. Sent by Steve Barrett The person at the meeting or discussion who is right will be the person who is not listened and will later be blamed for coming up with the bad idea. Sent by Andrew Komarow Just when you have no cash, you are in great pain and got to the bank to find the bank computers offline. Sent by Sharifah Bills travel through the mail at twice as fast as checks. No man is an island, until it comes to paying the bills The last two laws were sent by Magycke If you have a little extra money to blow, something will break, and cost more than that little extra. Sent by Karen If you dont want it, there is plenty of it; If you really need it, theyre all out of it. The more you like a product, the more likely it will be discontinued. Sent by Barry Nord If you are shopping to find a certain thing, no matter how simple it may be, no matter where you go, you will find every conceivable thing except that which you are looking for. Sent by Brian Shannon The one time you didnt make a copy of your 1040, thats the one the IRS did not receive. Sent by Bernadette Im as good as my Employer Sent by Rajiv Kulkarni Slog all day and no-one notices, take a 5 minute breather to play Windows Solitaire and the boss silently appears behind you. All urgent and critical reports are handed out on Friday evening and are due first thing Monday morning. Zains Nutcracker Law The best time to ask for a raise is when everything has gone wrong and your boss

is in a panic mode. Corollary 1: Never ask for a raise after you have successfully completed a project. Corollary 2: If you do it right the first time, you will not be asked to resolve the problem and therefore will not be in a position to ask for a raise. The last three laws were sent by Zain. Expenses rise to exceed income. Sent by Bruce Just In Time inventory isnt Sent by Guillermo Zepeda In a line the biggest order is in the front, and the customer has coupons and wants to write a check. in a 24 hour store, there are 5 customers in the store and they always come to the register at the same time. (and again the customer with the largest order is the first one in line) The last two laws were sent by Millie What you dont know, will cost you a lot of money. Sent by Mark Perkins It is no disgrace to be poor, but it is awfully inconvenient. Sent by James Franklin When in trouble change the subject. However, this may lead the subject to another one of your offenses. When in trouble do what you can. If that fails try what you cant. If that fails give yourself an A for effort and run like hell with pride! The last two laws were sent by Lenny Quites You pay peanuts and you get monkeys. In some organizations you pay doughnuts and you still get monkeys. Sent by K. Balasubramanian The Customer is always unhappy about your product and service. Sent by Kiran Little things make a lot more of a difference; but the little things dont get as much recognition. Sent by Simion The pressure of responsibility taking a difficult decision is the result of a division between its importance and the number of participant persons. Excess of analysis causes paralysis The last two laws were sent by Asier Zabarte The quality of workmanship of any given object is inversely proportional to how useful it is. The quality of workmanship of any given object is inversely proportional to how well it works The last two laws were sent by Steven Halkett Eldredges Aphorism: Procedures should not be used as a substitute for thought. Sent by Brad Eldredge, Ph.D., P.E

law of activity: Ones willingness to do something is inversely proportional to: A) the need for it to be done. B) the number of people who are relying on that person to do it. Sent by Kevin Aments First Law of Corporate Survival: When you see the shit is about to hit the fan, shut your mouth. Aments Second Law of Corporate Survival: Duck. The last two laws were sent by Michael Ament Inverse Rule of Contracts: The smaller the dollar amount of a contract the longer it will take to negotiate. Sent by John Hughes Somers Law of Management: One learns at least as much about management from poor managers as from good ones. Sent by John Somers The more complicated the job is the less time and useful information you will be given. If the salesperson says, All you have to do is... you know youre in trouble. When a customer says, Its perfect except... you know it will be necessary to rebuild the whole piece. The last three laws were sent by Robert Nicholson Assafs Laws of Lines o The number of open service windows at banks, post offices, airline counters, etc... always equals [n/2 - m], n being the total number of windows and m being a random number between 1 and the total number of windows minus 1. o The simpler and quicker your transaction, the more complex and timeconsuming the transaction of the person immediately ahead of you in the line.

Sent by Francis Assaf

When you stand at your counter for hours on end and then go to break, thats when the customer comes and rings the bell for help. Sent by Rebekah Any item that you want to purchase from a catalog will always be out of stock at the time you want to buy it. Sent by Robert Van Sile If your Check-Book and Bank-Balance Sheet agree... Re-Do-It... You Goofed Up This is from my own experience over the past 50+ years! Billing Statements do not provide Actual Posting Dates They reflect Accurate Posting Dates This was contained within a reply from a Retail Credit Account Analyst of a major Banking Establishment Sent by Clawd Hammer

Murphys real estat laws

That sweet little girl with the baby that you rented to, will start dating the mad motorcycle man from hell, ... and several of his friends, ... the very next week. Tenants have at least one relative get sick or die per month, so ... they will just have to pay you later. If a tenant attempts to replace the washer in a faucet, plan on replacing the faucet; perhaps all the plumbing in the building. Prospective tenants who make an appointment to see your rental across town, often get kidnapped on the way there... so there was just no way they could call you. Tenants only lock themselves out in the middle of the night... or on Christmas. When a furnace breaks in mid-winter, it is always the heat exchanger. At least one tenants check will be lost in the mail every month. Every lost pet will find its way to your rental. The hardware store closes five minutes before you get there. A tenants ability to see dirt and damage is much greater when the move in than when they move out. Your best tenants always get job transfers during the worst rental markets. Everything in your rentals will break 100 times faster than in your own home. The insurance inspector always shows up to take photos of the building as you are putting the evicted tenants possessions on the curb. Tenants always swear under oath that the window was broken when they moved in. When a tenant calls and says, Hi, how are you? something is drastically wrong. If it exists, your tenant will try to flush it down the toilet. If you have any questions about anything, ask your tenants. If it is pouring rain, you can be sure the windows are open at one or more at your units. Proper disposal of chewing gum is in the carpet

Murphys teaching laws

The clock in the instructors room will be wrong. Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room. A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students. The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to the information retained by students. A meetings length will be directly proportional to the boredom the speaker produces. Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed. The problem child will be a school board members son. When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall. If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the instructor is late to the faculty meeting. New students come from schools that do not teach anything.

Good students move away. When speaking to the school psychologist, the teacher will say: weirdo rather than emotionally disturbed. The school board will make a better pay offer before the teachers union negotiates. The instructors study hall be the largest in several years. The administration will view the study hall as the teachers preparation time. Clocks will run more quickly during free time. On a test day, at least 15% of the class will be absent If the instructor teaches art, the principal will be an ex-coach and will dislike art. If the instructor is a coach, the principal will be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state. Murphys Law ill go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation. Weiners Law of Libraries There are no answers, only cross references. Laws of Class Scheduling 1. If the course you wanted most has room for n students, you will be the n+1 to apply. 2. Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste maximum time between classes. Corollary: When you are occasionally able to schedule two classes in a row, they will be held in classrooms at opposite ends of the campus. 3. A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the semester following the desired course. Laws of Applied Terror 1. When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible. 2. The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want 3. Eighty percent of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didnt read. 4. The night before the English history midterm, your Biology instructor will assign two hundred pages on planarian. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructors course. 5. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take home exam, you will forget where you live. Corollary: If the test is online, you will forget your password The last corollary was sent by Feenyx 6. At the end of the semester you will recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semesterand never attending. First Law of Final Exams Pocket calculator batteries that have lasted all semester will fail during the math final. Corollary: If you bring extra batteries, they will be defective.

Second Law of Final Exams In your toughest final, the most distractingly attractive student in class will sit next to you for the first time. Seegers Law Anything in parentheses can be ignored. Natalie Law of Calculus You never catch on until after the test. Seits Law of Higher Education The one course you must take to graduate will not be offered during you last semester. Rule of the Term Paper The book or periodical most vital to the completion of your term paper will be missing from the library. Corollary: If it is available, the most important page will be torn out. Duggans Law of Scholarly Research The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you cannot determine the source. Corollary: The source for an un-attributed quotation will appear in the most hostile review of you work. Romingers Rules for Students 1. The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it. 2. The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it later. Hansens Library Axiom The closest library doesnt have the material you need. Londons Law of Libraries No matter which book you need, its on the bottom shelf. Library Mans Laws You wont find the books you checked out for that big project until after either the project or the books were due. The library will close 5 minutes before you remember that you left your book bag inside. Corollary: It will be Saturday, and it wont open until Monday. Corollary: Your half-finished term paper (due Monday morning) and all your research, will be inside. All librarians will be happy to help when you dont need it, but will vanish when you have a question about the Dewey Decimal system. Dewey was drunk when he made the decimal system. The last four laws were sent by Andrew Stephens, he wants to dedicate these to the Centennial Branch Library of Circle Pines, MN. Romingers Rules for Teachers 1. When a student asks for a second time if you have read his book report, he did not read the book. 2. If attendance is mandatory, a scheduled exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance is optional, an exam will produce persons you have never seen before.

Penzas law about maths lessons The porter will knock at the door at the most crucial point of the lesson. Sent by Simone Penzavalle Lanciones Law You cant misspell numbers when you write them as digits. Sent by Sal Lnacione The back of the room is never far enough. Sent by Dan Goldstein Students will never fail to disappoint. Sent by Grotblik The English language, e.g. Its a problem when its be right Sent by Michael Demerits from a teacher you hate are put on your permanent record. Merits from a teacher you hate are put on the permanent record of a student you hate even more. The last two laws were sent by Lenny Quites The examination paper is always easier when you are not taking it. Sent by Jyotsna. Law of the Compounding of Murphys Law: All that has been accomplished by the insertion of the computer into the classroom is the combining of two areas covered under Murphys Law. Law of Universal Intelligence: The most ill-behaved student in all of a teachers classes is always one of the bright ones he cant flunk. Law of Behavioral Management: Nothing gets their attention like placing your nails on the chalkboard. Law of Parental Dynamics: The worst chew-out from parents always comes from an incident their child lied about. Law of Inanimate Motion, also called the Tendency to Sprout Legs: Anything that is not firmly secured in place, regardless of size, will find its way out of the room. Addendum: And cause a problem across the hall. Corollary: The likelihood of an objects disappearance varies directly with its capacity to cause a problem across the hall. The last five laws were sent by Timothy Boilard In the eyes of your professor, you are ALWAYS wrong, so dont bother trying. Sent by Ana M. No matter how much you study for a test you will be asked a question that you dont know. Sent by David Poole When you study for easy tests is when you fail miserably, but when you dont study for the hard ones, its when you pass with 100%. When theres a teacher that everyone says you want, you end up with the ones you dont want. And when you do get the ones that you want, its when they end up changing their ways, and decide to make the class really hard.

If you know you are correct, then you arent. Sent by Brad Gochnauer To know much sleep less. Youre not young enough to know it all The last two laws were sent by Jan Wenall

College Student Laws

You just finished the paper that counts as your final five minutes before class only to discover the printer is out of ink No matter what the problem, alcohol will always solve it Pizza makes a complete meal... hot or cold Dinning dollars are always short in supply Your parents never fail to call you on your cell phone when youre at a party Whenever you have beer in your room, your RA decides its the perfect time to make surprise inspections The professor never sticks to the syllabus The last seven laws were sent by John Hofstra One college student in a hot rod car has half a brain, two college student have no brain Sent by Wildmoongurl69@aol.com The harder you study, the farther behind you get Knowing mathematics and teaching mathematics are not equivalent What is obvious to everyone else wont be to you Notes written in class are hieroglyphics at home Problems that you can work wont be on the test Problems that you cant work will be on the test Any simple idea will be denoted using 3 different symbols Community College credo: fix anything with duct tape, eat only ramen noodles, drink only caffeine. The last eight laws were sent by Eppeguy@aol.com, he got these laws from a math teacher If you study hard for that important examination, the setters will decide to change the focus of the exam to one that is thinking-based and analytical. Corollary: If you memorized information, it will be useless. If you dont study for that important examination, the paper will be content-based. Corollary: If you dont study, every question will appear to be something you remember reading on your textbooks from a month ago, hence will appear (deceptively of course) easy, although you will not recall the exact phrasing of an answer. Sent by Winnie Choo. If you give information without citing the source, the information given is wrong. If you cite a source for information, it actually came from somebody else. If you didnt cite something, that was the one thing your professor wanted you to cite. The last three laws were sent by Kevin Zuhn

Murphys war laws

Friendly fire - isnt. Recoilless rifles - arent. Suppressive fires - wont. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Natures way of telling you to slow down. If its stupid but it works, it isnt stupid. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you dont succeed, call in an air strike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, its an ambush. The enemy diversion youre ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when theyre ready. when youre not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuses always burn three seconds. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. The Ol Rangers addendum: Or else theyre trying to suck you into a serious ambush! The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. The easy way is always mined. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. Dont look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. Incoming fire has the right of way. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. If the enemy is within range, so are you. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. Things which must be shipped together as a set, arent. Things that must work together, cant be carried to the field that way. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.) Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you wont be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. When both sides are convinced theyre about to lose, theyre both right. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. Military Intelligence is a contradiction. Fortify your front; youll get your rear shot up. Weather aint neutral. If you cant remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you. Air defense motto: shoot em down; sort em out on the ground. Flies high, it dies; low and slow, itll go. The Cavalry doesnt always come to the rescue. Napalm is an area support weapon. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. Snipers motto: reach out and touch someone. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. The one item you need is always in short supply. Interchangeable parts arent. Its not the one with your name on it; its the one addressed to whom it may concern youve got to think about. When in doubt, empty your magazine. The side with the simplest uniforms wins. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonels HQ. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many. A clean (and dry) set of BDUs is a magnet for mud and rain. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you cant hit the broad side of a barn. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapons operator. Field experience is something you dont get until just after you need it. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)

Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops dont know what they want, but they know for certain what they dont want. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. Murphy was a grunt. Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases. Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. All-weather close air support doesnt work in bad weather. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance. The crucial round is a dud. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole. Dont ever be the first, dont ever be the last and dont ever volunteer to do anything. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy wont walk into it. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness). There is always a way, and it usually doesnt work. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.

Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover. Walking point = sniper bait. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss. Dont be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants. If see you, so can the enemy. All or any of the above combined. Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone. Never screw over a buddy; youll never know when he could save your life. Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and wont be short is the ration ofshit. Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed. A half filled canteens a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon. When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow. The last six laws were sent by Hank Samples. A Viet Nam combat veteran (7072) 11th ACR-101st Abn. It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo. Sent by - Baseka@aol.com If you survive an ambush, somethings wrong. Sent by - CPL Nagel Some General last words (as his aides tried to get him to get his head down): What! what! men, dodging this way for single bullets! What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldnt hit an elephant at this distance. Sent by Yael Dragwyla The General was General John Sedgwick, said on May 9, 1864 at the Battle of

Spotsylvania. Sent by Mike Gottert If you can see the flashes from the enemies guns in battle, he can see yours too. Flashlights, lighters and matches dont just illuminate the surrounding area; they illuminate you too. Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a hard-ass Kevlar helmet, doesnt mean you dont have exposed areas. There are few times when the enemy cant hear you: When hes dead, youre dead, or both. Addendum: When hes not there, when youre not there, or both. Never cover a dead body with your own in hopes of looking like youre one of the casualties. Even using his cadaver is a stretch to avoid being shot just in case. Youre only better than your enemy if you kill him first. The last seven laws were sent by Charlie. Complain about the rations all you want, but just remember; they could very well be your last meal. Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up. You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services. You think the enemy has better artillery support and the enemy thinks yours is better; youre both right. Three things you will never see in combat; hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted nights sleep. Live and Hero are mutually exclusive terms. The last six laws were sent by Donald J. Cheek, CPT, US Army (Ret) - Gulf War vet. Dont be a hero Sent by Bo Zhang Once you are in the fight it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition that the other guy. Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover for you. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest. Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough. If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need. If you are wearing body armor they will probably miss that part. Happiness is a belt fed weapon. Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative... If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone. Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have little pieces of fish in them. A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics. Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.

Being shot hurts. Thousands of Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded. There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules. C-4 can make a dull day fun. There is no such thing as a fair fightonly ones where you win or lose. If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you dont care. Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doingNOWto solve our problem. Always make sure someone has a can opener. Prayer may not help . . . but it cant hurt. Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac even if it is, technically, a form of flying. If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either. Carrying any weapon that you werent issued (e.g, an AK) in combat is Not A Good Idea! A combat vet will know the sound of an unfamiliar weapon in an instant and will point and shoot. Not only that, AKs use green tracers which mean shoot em all and let God sort them out. As has been noted, Friendly fire isnt! The last 25 laws were sent by Jim When the going gets tough, the tough go cyclic. Sent by SPC Chris Military Intelligence is not a contradiction in terms, Light Infantry is! Sent by CPT Sean M. Murphy, FA, USA Proximity factor: The need for relief is directly related to the distance of the relief station. Sent by Joe Garcia Always keep one bullet in the chamber when changing your magazine. Sent by J.E.S. In peacetime people say, War is Hell. In combat, under fire from artillery, airplanes, or whatever, a soldier thinks, War is really really really LOUD as Hell!!!. f you can think clearly, know exactly whats happening, and have total control of a situation in combat, then youre not in combat. When you get the coveted 1,000 yard stare, dont forget about the enemy who is 30 yards away and about to pop your ass. Stay away from officers in combat, theyre clever decoys for noncoms. If you think you dont need something for your combat load for an OP PLAN, youll probably wish you had it after the shit hits the fan in combat. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. The last six laws were sent by Michael Desai

Failure of plan A will directly affect your ability to carry out plan B. Sent by Lenny Quites If you drop a soldier in the middle of a desert with a rock, a hammer, and an anvil, tell him not to touch any of it, and come back two hours later, the anvil will be broken. Because soldiers gotta fuck with shit. (quoted from an Officer during an interview in which the Officer was asked why barrels were thickened on the M16A2). Sent by Darrell A. Pierce War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left. Sent by Quenya. Aus. (didnt know there were Elves in Australia, didnt know that elves were interested in war). Lacklands Laws: 1. Never be first. 2. Never be last. 3. Never volunteer for anythin An escaping soldier can be used again. Sent by Asier Zabarte If you think youll die, dont worry you wont. Near death, but still a live? There is nothing wrong with physics. God doesnt like you. It is better to be lucky than good in the battlefield. Sent by Rob If its worth fighting for...its worth fighting dirty for. Sent by former Lt. C. Harper (Vietnam 65) if god wanted boots to be comfortable he would have designed them like running shoes. Sent by Pv1 Goetze If you survive the extraordinary things, it will often be the little things that will kill you. Give an order, then change the order, will get you disorder. Sent by Samuel You never have fire support in heavy firefight but you always have it on a silent recon mission Sent by Roswell Revision to Marine Corp. Motto If it makes sense, we wont do it. Sent by Larry Wotring The only thing more dangerous to you than the enemy, is your allies Sent by Marc Underwood Night vision - isnt Sent by truga

Laws of War for Helicopters

Helicopter tail rotors are naturally drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. Its just what they do.

The engine RPM and the rotor RPM must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can adversely affect the morale of the crew. The terms Protective Armor and Helicopter are mutually exclusive. Chicken Plates are not something you order in a restaurant. The BSR (Bang Stare Red) Law: The louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges. Corollary: The longer you stare at the gauges the less time it takes them to move from green to red. Loud, sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention. The further you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become. It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time. Pucker Factor is the formal name of the equation that states the more hairy the situation is, the more of the seat cushion will be sucked up your butt. It can be expressed in its mathematical formula of: S (suction) + H (height above ground) + I (interest in staying alive) + T (# of tracers coming your way). Thus the term SHIT! can also be used to denote a situation where a high Pucker Factor is being encountered. Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly. All the Laws of War for Helicopters were sent by Jim Kirk with courtesy of CWO4 Larry Gilbert (Ret). his brother-in-law that sent them to him Helicopters have been described as nothing more than 50,000 parts flying in close formation. It is the mechanics responsibility to keep that formation as tight as possible. It is mathematically impossible for either hummingbirds, or helicopters to fly. Fortunately, neither are aware of this. The last two laws were sent by Darrell A. Pierce LZs are always hot. Sent by loony39478@yahoo.com There are old pilots and bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots. Any helicopter pilot story that starts There I was,.... will be either true or false. Any of these stories that end with No shit. was neither true nor false. The mark of a truly superior pilot is the use of his superior judgment to avoid situations requiring the use of his superior skill The last three laws were sent by Brad Lucas, CPT, AV USA Ret, and a 1st Gulf War Vet. Ch-53s are living proof, that if you strap enough engines to something it will fly. Sent by Jason Koeck

Laws of War for Tanks

The same gun tube that would probably stay in alignment after lifting a car, will get you beaten after calibration if used to assist in climbing on the tank.

Tanks draw fire. A lot of it. It does not behoove the infantryman to hide behind one. If youre close enough to actually hear an M1 series tank running, while in combat, and not part of the crew, youre too close. Laws of war for tanks were sent by Darrell A. Pierce

Laws of the Marine Corp

It never rains in the Marine Corp, it rains on the Marine Corp. Sent by Jesse Cason

Law of Fighting Airplanes

The enemy is always has the advantage. Heat-seeking missiles dont know the difference between friend and foe. Armor is a fantasy invented by your C.O. to make you feel better. Afterburners arent. Air Brakes dont. Your cannon will jam in combat, and then when you get back to base there will be nothing wrong with it. You may have the better plane, but the enemy is the better pilot. (or vise versa) When getting spare parts for your aircraft, you can get them CHEAP - FAST - IN GOOD CONDITION, pick two. (This applies to everything) Your radar will not pick up the enemy behind you or the one in the sun. If you have got into the sun and are about to ambush the enemy, it will either be a trap or youll run out of fuel. Law of Fighting Airplanes were sent by Luke

Saddams First (and last) Law of War:

Dont pick a fight with the baddest guys on the block! Sent by Jim Kirk

Laws of Desert Combat:

Any attempt to find cover will result in failure. Supply Shipments at night stick out like a sore thumb. Tanks should never leave the established roads Established roads are always mined Operations in daytime will cause the lesser equipped army to win The effectiveness of a soldier in desert combat is inversely porportional to how heavy his equipment is Have plenty of water on hand The last 7 laws were sent by Fenix

Murphys cops laws

Bullet Proof vests arent. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too.

The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long youve been a cop. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp. Flash suppressors dont really. If you have cleared all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen). If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on Eyewitness News. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal. When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who dont need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can. On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be. The longer youve been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldnt do it. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is Boomer. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off. If a large group of drunk bikers is holed-up in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker holed-up in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team. The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you. Sent by Fred Beeman

Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch. Sent by Ryan Parton Laser sights work both ways Sent by Oxender, Chad SSgt 321 ESPTS/SFS Cops arrive late to the scene of crime. Sent by Ishola Stephen The number of years on the job is directly proportional to your waist line. Sent by Zain The number of people who lock their keys in their car is directly proportional to how bad the weather is. Sent by Christina N In general, a persons innocence is often diametrically opposed to how much they insist that they are. Sent by Darrell A. Pierce Any time you decide to do something, even slightly against the law, a police officer will just so happen to be near enough to see it happen. Sent by Lloupiermuingz Swiderskis Law Every thorough investigation leads to confusion Sent by Gregory Swiderski Your Testimony in Court is unnecessary until both you and your wife coordinate the same time off work together. Always be sure to give the guy who complains about paying your salary his nickel back before you write his ticket; It will leave him with a better impression of your services. The further away the call is into the sticks directly relates to the likelihood you will need a restroom after you are back in service. Nobody needs a cop while the cop is around. Cops are societys Sacrificial Lambs. Hey, at least were not their Jackasses. That would be the Brass. Even when youre not on call, youre on call. Just ask the Sgt., who doesnt want called. On an extended Crime Scene, when someone shows up with the doughnuts and coffee, the cops who usually get them are the ones standing around doing nothing and could have gone themselves. The last seven laws were sent by Wingaman If a meter maid tells you that you can park there, then most likely you will get a ticket. Sent by Eduardo Spill-proof lids containing steaming hot coffee, arent. Two beers, officer is always two more than they should have had. Sent by Josh Ladd (Portland Police Bureau, Oregon) Your Right, there is no Justice, Just Us. Sent by Mike harling

Murphys military police laws

Your brassard and your badge wont stop bullets. If its stupid but works, it isnt stupid. Dont look conspicuous - it antagonizes officers. When in doubt, empty your shotgun. Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you. Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives. If your response goes well, youre at the wrong barracks. Your Patrol Supervisor will show up when youre doing something really stupid. The time it takes to respond to an emergency is inversely proportional to the importance of the call. The warrant you dont read is the one youll serve at the wrong quarters. No matter how you write it, the Desk Sergeant will want it changed. If you charge in all alone, youll be shot by your own officers. The diversion youre ignoring is the actual crime. The important things are always simple. The simple things are always hard. The easy ways are always blocked. The short cuts are always under construction by the post engineers. Anything you do can get you in trouble - including doing nothing. When youve secured a crime scene, dont forget to tell the brass. Using the siren and light to clear traffic - attracts traffic. It only becomes a riot right after you show up. If you take out the newest patrol car, youll have an accident. No street-wise unit ever passed inspection. No inspection-ready unit ever makes it on the streets. The thing you really need, will be left back at the MP Station. Radios will fail as soon as you need back-up desperately. Flashlight batteries always die out, just when you really need light. Military working dogs attack anything that moves - including you. The helicopter will always be low on fuel, as soon as you need it. Youll find the suspect you want, when youre off-duty and unarmed. If you respond to more than your fair share of calls, youll have more than your fair share of calls to respond to. The suspect will escape, just before you set up a good perimeter. The dependent who screams loudly when you dont show up quickly, also screams loudly when you do. The weight of the dead body youll have to carry is proportional to the amount of stairs youll have to climb. Fatalities always occur at the end of shift - or when it rains and snows. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. Contrary to popular belief - general officers dont get tickets. You wont get called to a court martial - unless its your day off. Take off your hat and the MP Duty Officer shows up. Empty guns - arent.

Your two minute back-up is always actually ten minutes away. The alley you sprint down, is the wrong alley. Tasting suspected drugs works - but only on TV or in the movies. Suspects always hide in the last place you look. Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six. Professional criminals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs. Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private. Dont stand, if you can sit - dont sit, if you can lay down - if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap. Contrary to popular belief, O.C. IS an area effect weapon. Sent by Darrell A. Pierce

Murphys sewing laws

Fusible interfacings always fuse to the iron The serge only eats the customers garment If you need 6 buttons, you will find 5 in your button box The seam you meant to rip out is invariably the other one When you are in a hurry, the needle eye is always too small The fabric you forgot to pre-shrink will always shrink the most The pattern you wanted to make again will have one key piece missing If you drop something out of your sewing basket, it will be your box of pins, with the cover off Whenever the construction process is going well, the bobbin thread runs out The magnitude of the goof is in direct proportion to the cost of the fabric Your lost needle will be found by your son, husband or brother-in-law, while walking around barefoot Facings tend to be sewn to the wrong side (Opposite sides attract) Collar points dont match, and youve trimmed all the seams The iron never scorches the garment until its final pressing The steam iron only burps rusty water on light silk fabric The sewing machine light usually burns out on Sunday Pinking shears get dull just by looking at them Gathering threads always break in the middle The scissors cut easiest past the buttonhole Matching edges dont Sent by Barb You will spill your pin box once per garment. Sent by Barb on behalf of his sister As yee sew, so shall ye rip Sent by EJ Mott passed to her by her grandmother

Murphys volunteer bushfire brigade laws

Dont look conspicuous. When youre dealing with the public it draws stupid questions. Back on Station it draws Crew Leaders There is always an easy way

The easy way usually results in more damage done than less or is blocked by a large, pissed off dog who hasnt eaten in a week When dealing with the public try to look unimportant, They may go and find someone else to ask that stupid question to Falling trees have the right of way Uniforms only come in two sizes, too small and too large If your Captain can see you then so can the public Never worry about the falling tree branch with your name on it. Instead, worry about the falling tree addressed, To whom it may concern If orders can be misunderstood, they have been It isnt necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps Crew Leaders, not GOD, make priorities. Theres a difference Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep Never tell the Captain or Deputy Captain you have nothing to do Crew leaders and above never watch until you make a mistake One Crew leader is never enough but two is entirely too many A clean and dry set of overalls is a magnet for mud and rain The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it The more an item of equipment costs, the farther you have to send it away to be repaired Field experience is something you dont get until just after you need it Interchangeable parts dont, leak proof seals will and self - starters wont The item of equipment that usually wont start or jams when you need it the most is the pump You arent Superman If its stupid but it works, it aint stupid The important things are always simple The simple things are always hard: Beer Math -> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases Dont ever be the first, dont ever be the last and dont ever volunteer to do anything The more stupid the leader is, the more important tasks he is ordered to carry out The self-importance of a Deputy Captain is inversely proportional to his actual importance in the chain of command Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Fire Control Officer is watching As soon as you are served hot food in the field, it rains If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution CHAOS = Chiefs have arrived on scene Captain on location with heavy panic showing Chiefs are like diapers, always on your ass and full of shit The last three laws were sent by Sean

Burning materials that require extinguishing by powder or gas will be treated with water. Sent by Shlomo Targan

Murphys photography laws

You are not Ansel Adams Neither are you Herb Ritz Automatic Cameras - Arent Auto Focus - wont If you cant remember, you left the film at home No photo assignment remains unchanged after the first day of shooting When in doubt, motor out If a photo shoot goes too smoothly, then the lab will lose the film If its stupid but it works, it isnt stupid Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Client is watching The most critical roll of film is fogged If you forgot, then you did not rewind the film Photo Assistants are essential, they give photographers someone to yell at The one item (batteries, film, and ect.) you need is always in short supply Interchangeable parts arent Long life batteries only last for a couple of rolls Weather never cooperates Everything always works in your home, everything always fails on location For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism The newest and least experienced photographer will usually win the Pulitzer Every instruction given to a lab, which can be misunderstood, will be There is always a way, and it usually doesnt work Never tell the Photo Editor you have nothing to do Things which must be shipped together as a set, arent No photojournalist is well dressed No well dressed photographer is a photojournalist Professional photographers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs The nature shots invariably happen on two occasions: -when animals are ready. -when youre not. Same rule just substitute children Client Intelligence is a contradiction There is no such thing as a perfect shoot The important things are always simple The simple things are always hard Flashes will fail as soon as you need them A clean (and dry) camera is a magnet for dust, mud and moisture Photo experience is something you never get until just after you need it

The self-importance of a client is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness) The lens that falls is always the most expensive. when you drop a lens cap, the inside part always lands face down in the mud. Bugs always want to land on the mirror during a lens swap. Your batteries will always go dead or you will need to put in a new film canister at the least opportune moment. Your batteries will always go dead during a long exposure (so with the shutter open). When you shoot the night away and never have to stop. Your film did not roll on to the take up reel. Sent by Les Benton Camera are designed with a built-in sensor, that senses the anticipation to develop the film. When the level of anticipation is highest, this sensor causes the back to flip open exposing the film. Sent by Takura Razemba Lenses are attracted back to their source - hard rocks. Corollary: The more expensive the lens, the greater the attraction. No matter how long youve had a convention for marking film holders, you will forget it - when exposing the once-in-a-lifetime shot. Safelights - arent. The greater a photographers excitement, the greater its chance of fogging film, scratching prints, and deleting files. The success of an assignment is inversely proportional to the product of its importance and the number of people watching. Strobes only explode when lots of people are watching. Corollary: Strobes only work when there is nobody else to see. The last six laws and corollaries were sent by Jason Antman

Murphys nurses laws

When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime. Realizing the patient youve just injected has a serious infection causes you to stab yourself with the used needle. A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound patient needs a finger dressing ... and your colleague has a bad back. Its youre first night shift for three years. And its a full moon. Youre doing the Only 27 more minutes of the shift from hell happy-dance, only to turn around to see your supervisor standing there. In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support. The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside.

As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound. The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it. Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids. The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change. You walk out of a patients room after youve asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall. The patient furthest away from the nurses station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses station. The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient. You always remember just one more thing you need after youve gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room. The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs. When you cancel extra staff because its so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions. If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes. When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ... Staffing will gladly send you three aidesbut you have to float two of your RNs. As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered. Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after youve had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed. You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ... Doctors only ask your name when the patient isnt doing well. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching. As soon as youve ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests! For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. Ten seconds after you have finished giving a complete bed bath and changing the bed, the patient has a giant code brown. If a patient needs four pills, the packet will contain three. Your buddies who were reading the paper at the nurses desk a minute ago always disappear when you need help ... Expect to get your pay raise the same day the hospital raises the parking rates (and other charges) The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed ... The amount of clean linen available is inversely proportional to your immediate needs.

The more confused and impulsive a patient is, the less chance there is for a family member or friend to sit with the patient. The perfect nurse for the job will apply the day after that post is filled by some semi qualified idiot. If only one solution can be found for a problem, then it is usually a stupid solution. When the nurse on the preceding shift has surrounded the patient with absorbent pads, the code brown will hit every sheet and miss every pad. Rest assured that when you are in a hurry, the nurses notes have not been written. When you are starting an IV on an uncooperative patient, or dealing with a huge code brown, there is a phone call for you and its that crabby physician that you have been paging all morning. Fire drills always occur on your day from hell The first person in line when the clinic opens will not require urgent care. The sickest person will arrive 5 minutes before closing: I thought Id feel better
The Nursing Catch-22:

If youre running around horribly busy, youre unorganized and need to prioritize, but if youre not running around horribly busy, youre lazy and need to find more work to do. Ive copied this page with the permission of AndrewHeenan, The Original page can be found at: Murphys Nurses 2001 A. Heenan. Thank you Andrew. You do the Just discharged the Patient from Hell dance only to turn around and find the Consultant Neuro-Psychiatrist looking at you like youre their next patient. Sent by Mark Dean Last thing you want to hear a doctor say is whoops Sent by Brian Breeden

Murphys bus laws

If its raining, or cold or both the bus will be late If youre running late the bus will be too If you think you have lots of time before your bus you read the timetable wrong (or its out of date or both) If youre early the bus is late If youre late the bus was early The other people at the bus stop are waiting for the bus that has just pulled in If you have no change then the bus driver wont have any either The customer can be thrown off the bus at any time any explanation necessary Two bus for the same place will always pull in together The sign at the front of the bus is merely for decoration it is not the destination of the bus Waiting for a bus seems to be longer than the journey. sent by Pradeep S. If two or more bus routes go to one stop; at least one of each of the others will arrive before the one you want. Sent by Rene Chenier

The bus you plan to take always leaves five minutes before you reach the bus stop. The bus you do take is always ten minutes late. Sent by whatd ya say? The hotter it is outside, bigger the chance theres no air conditioning. The first bus from your route will always appear first in the opposite direction. If you seem to catch the last bus of the day, it left two minutes earlier. The more times you ask the driver to tell you when to get off the bus, the chance he wont tell you is bigger. The last four laws were sent by The Sorokman It seems like a long time you are waiting for the bus, so you pull out a cigarette and light it, then here comes the bus. Sent by Arthur Caldwell Or the short version If you light a cigarette, the bus will come. Sent by Karacourt@aol.com Elias Stroulias says it applies to cabs as welll If you will light the cigarette in order to hurry up the arrival of the bus, it will be late. Sent by Yehuda Dodo Chat with a pretty girl, or light a cigarette, and the bus will arrive immediately. Sent by Francoboom The bus schedule should be known as one of the most exquisitly creative and vividly imaginary forms of fiction ever devised by man. Sent by Francoboom If you are early, the bus will be late. Corollary: If you are late, the bus will be on time Sent by Lonnie McLaughlin if you are late to the bus-station, the bus will be on time. sent by Henk If you must take a bus theres a strike. Sent by dizzy@campus.ie Irrespective time and route, the city buses are always crowded Corollary: Buses traveelling in exactly opposite direction go empty.
swaminathan.p

The last person on the bus always wants the last stop When your behind time you always get every learner driver in front of you and every light is red No one has the correct change Every dork in the world wants to make stupid conversation and wont get of the bus The last four laws were sent by pjwmail@ntlworld.com When walking to a bus stop, if youll look back to see if the bus is coming, it wont, if you wont look back, the bus will pass you just as youll reach the bus stop. Sent by Edson

Crystals Law If you wait for a bus for a long time, and decide to leave the station, the bus will arrive just as youre too far away to catch it Sent by DaeDream28@aol.com No matter who you sit next too they will start a cell phone conversation about their Boyfriend or Mothers hospital operation Sent by Anthony Sullivan