Breathe Resilience Journal

Resilience
JOURNAL
Untitled-1 1 22/11/2022 15:57

Untitled-1 3 22/11/2022 15:58
Untitled-1 3 22/11/2022 15:58
Untitled-1 3 22/11/2022 15:58
This Journal Belongs To:
Name � ��
Email ��
Telephone ��
Journal_Resilience_Prelims SD_UK.indd 1 17/06/2021 11:45

Resilience
JOURNAL

Resilience
What images come to mind when you think of resilience? Struggling
to stay grounded in the face of an illness or loss of a loved one?
Fending for yourself after a relationship breaks down? People tend
to picture moments of extreme hardship and hope they’ll have what
it takes to steer their way through. But any stressful situation, big or
small, can require resilience. And you don’t need to wait for bad stuff
to happen to start cultivating it.
Of course, stressful situations and how you react to them are in

a constant state of flux. How well you cope with problems in the
workplace may differ to those in your relationships. Changes to your
environment will affect and inform thoughts, actions and behaviour.
But there are certain traits, qualities and characteristics that can
enhance your ability to adapt to adversity. And that’s where this
journal can help.
Filled with inspirational quotes and beautiful illustrations, it can

be opened at any section or worked through from cover to
cover. Use its simple exercises and reflective prompts to build
confidence, develop a positive mindset and learn to view challenges
as opportunities. Resilience is a skill that can be developed and
nurtured. All you need do is begin.
breathemagazine.com

Contents
Taking stress in your stride 7
It’s okay to struggle 12
What did you expect? 20
Attractive in your own skin 26
Like it or not 34
The gentle art of getting it wrong 40
Absolute beginners 48
The art of synchronicity 57
Inner strength 62
Trusting your gut 70
With your permission 77
Courage of conviction 84
When your most isn’t enough 92
Garden of the mind 100
The joy of newness 108
Natural flow 116
Let loose 124

8
Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 8 09/06/2021 10:17

Taking stress in your stride
When life throws you a curveball, how can you feel more confident
in your ability to manage it?
The thought that you won’t be able to cope if and when life gets stressful and
things go wrong is unnerving, even frightening. It can also limit opportunities,
undermine self-belief and encourage never-ending doomsday scenarios. It’s a
belief that, once ingrained, is difficult to shake off – but not impossible.
One character trait that can be helpful is resilience – being able to steer
through adversity and learn from it. Shared by those able to weather the storm
and deal with life’s curveballs, resilience is the ability to adapt and respond to the
big and little stuff. A person’s level of resilience will affect their capacity to cope
with any challenge, whether it’s a disappointing grade on an exam, the death of a
loved one, a lay-off or a computer breakdown. As the years rack up, so, too, does
the likelihood of facing such problems. That’s why it’s important to learn how to
overcome and live with them, without feeling overwhelmed.
The knowledge of having survived the difficulties that life has so far thrown
at you can also help to build resilience for future travails. It can appease any
anxiety over how badly you might cope if things become really hard, making you
less afraid of life and less likely to catastrophise – when you always assume the
worst to happen in a situation. In this way, the perpetuating loop of worry loses
momentum. There’s less of an urge to overthink and plan for how you might deal
with every scenario because experience, faith in yourself and your reserves of
resilience have demonstrated that you’ll come out the other side.
The best news is that resilience can be nurtured and developed. It won’t make
you invincible or spare you pain, distress or heartache – resilient people hurt and
feel just as much as the next person. It might, however, foster a belief that will
help you to adapt and respond to circumstances without being floored by them.
As American poet, storyteller and civil rights activist Maya Angelou once said,
‘You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to
be reduced by them.’

ADAPT AND THRIVE
Here are five ways to steer yourself through adversity.
1. Reach out
Look around for help and support. The myth that those who are better able
to cope are independent folk who just do it all alone is exactly that – a myth.
Resilient people know it’s okay to ask for help, be vulnerable and seek support from
wherever and whoever feels appropriate. It doesn’t equal weakness – everyone
needs help throughout life. Having people to lean on, talk to and cry with when
things get tough will give you a greater chance of dealing with any challenges.
2. Really feel it
Giving yourself permission to feel your emotions, rather than pushing them away,
validates and respects them – and offers a way forward. While few want to feel
scared, sad, unsure or angry, pretending that a challenging or painful event isn’t
happening is unlikely to make distressing feelings go away. Acknowledging that
they’re difficult but real can increase your ability to navigate them in the future.
3. Step outside your comfort zone

Just outside your comfort zone is the stretch zone, where you push yourself to
try something uncomfortable but not terrifying. To build your coping capability,
encourage yourself to venture here; every time you try a new activity or do
something unknown, or difficult, you’re building resilience. You’re showing
yourself you can take on and deal with challenges. It won’t always work out and
you might falter – that’s a natural part of life – but the experience offers a chance
to reward your effort. This in itself can help to strengthen resilience.
4. Take control of what you can

When you’re in the middle of a challenging situation, look for what you can
and can’t control. Aspects over which you have no power can feel scary. Railing
against what you can’t influence or spending time and energy wishing it was
different are natural reactions, but they might leave you frustrated. Instead, try
to work out where you have influence and take action in these areas.
5. Take care of yourself

To be able to cope well when life takes a nosedive, you need to be mentally and
emotionally strong – which means self-care. Make sleep a priority, don’t beat
yourself up about things that you said or left unsaid, spend time outdoors, stretch
– do what you find energising. It might mean making time to read quietly every
day, trying an online yoga class or having a regular chat with friends – everyone’s
different. Life is difficult enough, more so when your personal battery runs low.
Keep it charged, so you’ll be ready to face any tricky situations.
10

11

12

NEED A MOMENT?
Pause, breathe slowly and try this exercise – if you can find a quiet
place where you won’t be distrubed, it’ll be even better.
•
Place one hand flat in front of you. This could be on your desk,
the kitchen table, the bed or just your lap.
•
Spread your fingers widely and evenly.
•
Take a deep breath.
•
Now, with the forefinger of your other hand, begin tracing your
outstretched hand. As you draw your hand, try to let anxious
thoughts float away. Focus on the feeling and motion of your
forefinger as you trace every aspect of your outstretched hand.
•
Start at the inner point of your wrist and slowly trace around the
outside edge of your thumb. When you reach the tip, pause and
breathe. Then follow the inside edge of the thumb to the point
where it meets the forefinger.
•
Again, pause and breathe, before slowly tracing along the
forefinger to the tip. Pause and inhale once more before
continuing to trace the line down the opposite side of the finger.
•
Repeat the pausing, breathing and tracing for the middle, ring
and little fingers before coming to rest at the outer edge of the
wrist of your outstretched hand.
•
Take a deep breath and continue your day.
13

It’s okay to struggle
Does life sometimes feel like an uphill battle? Perhaps it’s time
for a change
Most people would welcome an easy life or at least one without struggle. They
have wishes, visions and plans and want to move through the world stress-free.
But it’s possible to become so obsessed with the idea of a struggle-free existence
that everything that gets in its way is bothersome. This can result in a life that
is settled for, rather than truly lived to the fullest. It might not be turbulent, but
you could miss opportunities. Struggle in itself is nothing bad. It wakes you up,
gives you a shake and shows you that something is amiss or needs change. Sure,
the feeling isn’t a happy one. It can be unpleasant, and when you’re in the middle
of tough times, you don’t want to hear about one door closing and another
opening. You’re sick and tired of being given advice. You just want the struggle
to go away so you can get on with your regular life path again.
However, to struggle is okay. It’s a tool that points you in a particular direction
and gives you the chance to have a closer look. Just be gentle with yourself and
don’t think about who’s to blame. You’re a capable, unique and wonderful human
being, and can overcome struggle and make the most out of life.
14

15

DEAL WITH THE TOUGH TIMES
Consider a challenge, one you’ve faced in the past or are trying to deal with now.
1. Sort it out
Take a moment to try to put all the facts together and note them here. How big
is the struggle? What happened and what are the possible consequences?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
2. See the bigger picture

Try to take a wider perspective on what can happen with your challenge.
Sometimes a detail can throw you into emotional chaos. Escaping the chaos
starts with awareness of alternative posssibilities. Even if they seem unlikely,
what are possible outcomes for your situation?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
16

3. Focus
Become aware of how you respond emotionally to adverse situations. Focus
on a specific smile, word or another aspect of your situation and whether you
framed it in a positive or negative light. What is troubling you now, and how
does that make you feel?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
4. Set boundaries
Sometimes you take responsibility for chaos that isn’t fully yours because you’re
emotionally attached to someone or something. Setting boundaries is a good way
to deal with this. Picture the struggle in your mind and think about whether the
chaos is actually related to your life. Note your thoughts here.
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
17

18

5. Let go
Difficult times may show you that a change in direction or behaviour is needed to
achieve what you want. It may be as small as not having that extra coffee every
day because you wish to cut down on caffeine. Whenever you make a change like
this, there is something you leave behind. Everything that cannot continue has
the potential to cause you to experience loss. Use this space to consider changes
inspired by your situation and their consequences.
��
��
��
��
��
��
6. Be gentle
Regardless of how difficult and hard a struggle is, it’s not determined by its size.
Just one small aspect of a situation can make it hurt more than a big event. But
even if the world thinks it’s immaterial, you don’t need to blame yourself for being
weak. If an event makes you feel uncomfortable and shakes your foundation,
you can be kind to yourself and get through it with open eyes and awareness.
Consider times when you’ve struggled in the past, big or small, and note them
here. Were you gentle with yourself?
��
��
��
��
��
��
19

7. Express yourself
Often, a struggle in your life feels difficult or even overwhelming because you are
emotionally entangled with the issue. The ability to express your feelings can be a
powerful tool for helping you to see your situation more clearly and process what
is happening. Use this space to try sharing your emotions.
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
20

8. Find a safe haven
As much as awareness and observation is important, so too is finding time
to escape the struggle. Give all the thinking a break, and find the places and
activities that help you restore energy. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it
works for you. Perhaps you would enjoy taking a walk, listening to your favourite
music, meditating – what makes you feel good?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
21

What did you expect?
What happens when reality fails to live up to expectations?
Turn stress and disappointment into an opportunity. Feel
the frustration and do it anyway
Imagine you have a special day planned. You know exactly what you are going
to do and are really looking forward to it, but on the day itself, things don’t go
the way you had hoped. Your expectations of an enjoyable time and the reality
of your actual experience are not matching up – and the result is making your
stress levels skyrocket. Speaking at the Mindful Living Show in London, Ed
Halliwell, author of Into the Heart of Mindfulness, said, ‘The tension between your
experience and your expectation is stress.’ In other words, when your experience
falls short of what you expected it to be, you feel upset.
This scenario, where positive expectations collide with lived experience,
happens all the time – from biting into a sandwich that looks delicious but is
actually tasteless to going on a date with someone who seemed ideal on paper
but with whom you have zero chemistry in real life. Feeling disappointed by this
dynamic can be a daily occurrence. People create expectations about the future
all the time, often without being aware of it.
This conflict does not just apply to situations with elements that are out of
your control. Stress can also occur when an experience fails to live up to the
expectations you place on it. Take meditation practice, for example. Imagine you
sit down to meditate and you are looking forward to feeling calm and soothed.
You bring your attention to your breath, but then your mind wanders to thoughts
of deadlines and what you will have for dinner. Soon, thoughts start pinging
into your head in all directions. Your nose begins to itch, you’re frowning, you’re
breathing too fast, you’re not breathing or you haven’t even noticed your breath.
This is not the calming meditation practice you sat down for. There lies the
tension. Your experience of meditating is not what you expected; instead it is
a cause of irritation and disappointment.
22

Easing the stress
What do you do to manage this mismatch between experience and expectation,
and the stressful feelings it creates? Do you try to lower your expectations to
avoid feeling disappointed or tell yourself to stop getting irritated?
If you’ve tried these tactics, you’ll know they don’t necessarily work. As
psychiatrist Carl Jung observed, ‘What you resist not only persists, but will grow
in size.’ Pushing against the tension is what keeps you tense. By acknowledging
the mismatch between what you expected and what is happening, you begin to
soften the tension and ease the stress. This doesn’t mean you have to settle for
the situation if that doesn’t feel right. Simply recognise that your expectation has
not been met and understand you need to be with the reality of your experience
as it is right now.
23

MANAGE THE MISMATCH
Let’s look again at some of the earlier examples that saw positive
expectations collide with lived experiences:
Your lunchtime sandwich isn’t as tasty as expected.

First of all, fully acknowledge your feelings of disappointment and
irritation. You can choose whether to push against this tension
or to let it go. In taking a mindfulness approach – stepping back
and observing your thoughts and feelings, without judgment
– you allow space for the feelings to shift and subside. You can
then choose to continue eating the sandwich for the sustenance
and make a note not to buy it again or find something else to eat
instead. What you decide to do about your lunch is up to you.
Within minutes of meeting your date, you realise that the

character you were expecting to talk to isn’t the person
sitting opposite you.
Take a few moments to acknowledge what you are feeling –
perhaps you are telling yourself that you shouldn’t have got your
hopes up, that you are never going to find the one for you, and that
this is a huge waste of time. Don’t fight against these feelings of
disappointment if your experience falls short of your expectations.
Doing so will keep you stuck in that tension. Instead, be kind to
yourself. Although they may not be the love of your life, can you
let go of any remaining disappointment and simply talk to them?
Everyone has something to teach you. There’s even a chance your
experience could exceed your expectations.
You settle down to meditate but find it impossible

to calm the mental noise.
Let your meditation experience be what it is. If trying to make
yourself stay with your breath isn’t calming, stop trying. Take the
experience for what it is and let the tension dissolve.

SWITCH OFF THE AUTOPILOT
The basic principles within these scenarios will help to ease stress
and can be applied to all aspects of your life:
• Notice when you are becoming stressed because your experience

is not meeting your expectations. Practise self-compassion and
allow yourself to fully connect with your thoughts and feelings.
• Rather than being swept away by mental chatter, step back and
observe what is occurring. When you stop pushing against the
tension, you enable space and perspective to arise in the gap
between expectation and experience.
• Face the reality of the situation as it is now and choose how you
want to move forward. Notice the difference when you act with
focus and clarity, rather than reacting on autopilot.
• Anticipating the future can be beneficial. It can increase your

enjoyment as you look forward with excitement, but clinging to
expectations when reality doesn’t match up only leads to stress
and disappointment. Become the master of your moments as
they unfold, and be open to change and possibility – sometimes
the space that arises between expectations and lived experience
is where spontaneity and inspiration happen.
26

BE IN THE MOMENT
This mindful exercise can improve your ability to focus and act with
awareness. Try practising it for  minutes a day for a week. How
does it feel to spend some time each day with your breath?
• Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed for  minutes

and sit down on the floor.
• Place your palms on your thighs, resting them comfortably.

Close your eyes and breathe deeply and slowly, feeling your belly
rise and fall.
• Focus on your breathing as the thoughts and voices in your mind

start to ease. This can take practice, but each time your mind
wanders, bring it back to the physical sensation of your breath.
• Feel the pressure of the floor, the touch of your clothes against
your skin, and your hands on your thighs. When you feel relaxed,
slowly open your eyes and ease yourself into a standing position.
• You’re ready to go on with your day.
27

Attractive in your own skin
Ensure your emotional needs are being met and you’ll have a solid
foundation on which to build resilience
Remember the popular kid at your school? The person who took popularity in
their stride and didn’t seem too concerned about whether their classmates liked
them or not. Can you also recall the pupil who craved to be liked? The person
who tried too hard, laughed at everyone’s jokes and seemed to cling to anyone
who would listen to them?
It seems like an unfair reality that those who try their hardest get sidelined,
while the people who appear casual about being attractive to others build
connections easily. According to life coach Talane Miedaner, however, being
more attractive to others is all about feeling comfortable in your own skin. And
the best way to do this is to get your emotional needs met in a healthy way.
28

What’s driving you?
Talane discovered the importance of emotional needs almost 20 years ago
when she trained to be a life coach and studied the work of the late psychologist
Abraham Maslow, who believed there was a hierarchy of human needs. His
research highlighted that once people have met their physical needs of food,
shelter, clothing and safety, they look around for emotional satisfaction and love.
The final stage, according to Maslow, is to carve out a life based on values and
peak experiences, like turning their hobby into a career or having adventures.
‘We all have emotional needs,’ says Talane. ‘They’re part of being human.
An emotional need drives us whether we’re aware of it or not. It demands to
be satisfied. Yet only the self-aware know what their needs are. Most people go
through life completely unaware of their emotional needs.’
She claims the problems begin when you try to skip the middle stage of the
hierarchy – meeting your emotional needs – and go straight to the fun part of
doing what you love and want to do. ‘If a need isn’t satisfied, you won’t be happy,
whatever is going on in your life,’ she says. ‘You’ll feel discontent and apathetic,
and as if something is missing from your world. Emotions aren’t logical. You may
have a lovely life and lots to be grateful for, but you won’t be your best self. And
rather than being attractive, you will repel people because you will be like that
child at school, trying too hard and appearing too needy.
‘One of the laws of attraction is that if you don’t need it, you are more likely
to attract it, so to become more attractive to other people you must banish all
vestiges of neediness,’ says Talane. ‘It’s not about manipulating other people to
make them like you. It’s about being your best self so you naturally draw people
and opportunities towards you.’
29

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU NEED
According to Talane, there are more than 100 different emotional needs, and
many people have a lot of these. But if you can get your top four needs met, then
you will start to feel happier in your own skin. Among the most common needs
are those to be loved, appreciated, heard and to achieve.
‘Once people know what their emotional needs are, they often have a light-
bulb moment,’ says Talane. ‘For example, someone who has the need for order
will be irritable when they get home from work to find the house is a mess. They
may well shout at their partner or children, and be angry as they clear everything
up. They can’t run from their need for order. It will keep popping up as a problem
until it’s met. But once they realise that’s what they need, they can go about
getting it met – maybe by hiring a cleaner, or drawing up a rota so their family
helps to keep the house tidy.’
So, how well are your emotional needs being met? Try asking yourself the
following questions:
•
Do you feel that your home and work environments are stable and secure?
•
Do you feel part of your community?
•
Do you feel accepted for who you are by at least one other person?
•
Are there other people you feel emotionally connected to?
•
Do you feel you’re achieving what you want to in life?
•
Are there areas of your life in which you feel challenged and stretched?
•
Do you feel supported by others?
•
Are you in control of your life most of the time?
•
Do you feel that you’re receiving attention from those you care about?
•
Are you giving others enough attention?
•
Are your accomplishments acknowledged by anyone?
•
Do you have the time and space to reflect on your experiences?
If the answer to any of these questions is no, it may highlight an area where
a need isn’t being met.
30

Think about the questions where you answered ‘no’. What emotional needs are
not being met? What actions could you take to redress it?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
31

MEET YOUR COMMON NEEDS
Use these prompts to help you get your four universal needs met.
1. The need to be loved

If your need to be loved is unmet, you’ll appear like a clinging vine, latching on to
anyone who gives you any attention. This, however, may drive them further away.
‘You may try to get your love through food or shopping – anything that makes
you temporarily happy,’ says Talane. ‘The secret is to work out what makes you
feel loved. It’s important to be specific. It may be receiving a rose from the garden
or a handmade gift from a friend. You might love it when your partner holds your
hand, bakes you a cake or gives you a foot massage.
‘When you know what it is, tell your partner and friends. We’re all different.
What makes others feel loved probably isn’t the same as what you need.’
What makes you feel loved?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
32

2. The need to be heard
Do you talk at others, even through doors when you’re not in the same room?
If so, you may have an unmet need to be heard.
‘These people talk too much, and they talk at inappropriate times. They start to
annoy people,’ says Talane. ‘They need a regular outlet, like an agreed time when
they will sit and have a coffee with their partner to talk, or a phone call once a
week with a really good friend. It’s okay to say to people: “I’d love it if you just
listened to me”, as a lot of people will want to jump in with advice.
‘If you’re outgoing, hosting a podcast or video blog, or giving talks or
interviews, will also make you feel heard.’
List your ideas here.
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
33

3. The need to achieve
If you feel stifled, dissatisfied and unfulfilled, you may well have an unmet need
to achieve.
‘These people feel as if life is passing them by and they may dread going into
work because it’s too routine for them. What they really need is work that is
continually challenging.
‘I suggest they start each day with a list of three things they want to achieve,
and when they have done one, they highlight it in yellow ... it focuses on what
they have done, not what they haven’t done. When they look at their list, they
will see a whole page of yellow and that will be so rewarding.’
Use this space to list what you want to accomplish today. At the end of your
day, highlight what you’ve done in yellow. How do you feel after seeing all
that you’ve done?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
34

4. The need to be appreciated
If this is your unmet need, you may be a people pleaser. If you don’t get any
appreciation, you try even harder or give up completely.
‘This often comes up in domestic situations,’ says Talane. ‘One person might
think: “I made his coffee just as he likes it, and he didn’t even say thank you.”
You end up resenting your partner, and after you’ve tried over and over to please
them, you’re left feeling demotivated and wondering, “What’s the point?”’
If this is you, Talane suggests you ask for positive feedback. ‘Ask friends what
they especially liked about the meal you cooked them or the shirt you bought
them. Tell them it makes you feel good when they say thank you.’
Who will you speak to about positive feedback?
��
��
��
��
��
35

‘Is freedom anything else than the right
to live as we wish? Nothing else.’
Epictetus
Like it or not
Being comfortable in who you are and what you do – regardless of
what others think – can be wonderfully liberating
Freedom comes in many guises – free speech, free will, freedom to choose,
freedom to leave. Many are often taken for granted until threatened by
governments or eroded by personal circumstance. Some, however, are almost
wilfully subverted. Chief among those is the freedom not to be liked. Few people
are strong enough for it not to matter whether they’re loved or loathed.
To a great extent, this isn’t so surprising. As a species, the need for social
connection is hardwired into our brains and it’s a common and mostly healthy
response to value relationships and be interested in what others think of you. It
goes back a long way, as clinical psychologist Jill Stoddard explains: ‘Our need for
approval is evolutionary. Unlike other species, early humans didn’t have fangs,
claws or run at high speed. Instead, they had each other. Those who hunted,
gathered and travelled together had a survival advantage ... Humans evolved
to check and care about their standing in the group. This is why we compare
ourselves to others and want to be liked.’
Sometimes this drive can lead to behaviours that get in the way of a person’s
goals and dreams and use up energy that could be spent elsewhere. But there are
ways to manage this and enjoy well-balanced, mutually beneficial relationships
while still pursuing your own self-interests, regardless of whether or not others
like or agree with them.
36

37

FREE YOUR MIND
Use the following suggestions to explore fresh possibilities.
1. Ask yourself, ‘What do I really want?’

Are there any areas in life where the need to be liked is holding you back?
Not sure? Here’s a simple exercise to discover what you really want to do and
who you really want to be.
Using the space below, explore the unrestrained version of yourself. Don’t hold
back. Write down what you would do and who you would be if you could be
free of worrying about what other people think of your actions and desires.
Exaggerate and go for it, even if the persona you create is someone you’d never
actually be in real life. This can help to liberate you from your everyday self.
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
Now read what you’ve written and consider it more realistically. Some areas
might be wild and unobtainable, but nestled within your words, you might find
dreams and goals that are achievable. Is it possible that other people’s potential
reactions are holding you back?
38

2. Slow down and be mindful
Whenever you have something to do or a decision to make, bring in some
mindfulness. Jill suggests: ‘Slow down and become more aware of when the
approval-seeking urge is in the driver’s seat. Notice the thoughts and feelings
that accompany this when it gets triggered. Be mindful of the experience in
the present moment. Make space for those uncomfortable feelings. Practise
acceptance and willingness of them without reacting on autopilot in order to feel
more comfortable.’ This sense of presence can help you react from thoughtful
consideration of what is right for you rather than a kneejerk emotional reaction
based on how others might respond.
3. Become conscious of your own values

Check in with yourself from time to time and analyse if you’re operating from
your own values or the need to be liked.
What are my core values?
��
��
��
��
What matters to me?
��
��
��
��
What brings me joy and is most important to me?
��
��
��
��
39

4. Notice your feelings
Another way to detect if the need for approval or being liked is fuelling your
behaviour is to notice how you’re feeling. Psychologist Rachel Allan explains,
‘Wanting to be liked can be problematic if it gets in the way of your ability to be
authentic in your relationships. If you’re avoiding conflict or difficult conversations
because of what others might think, you risk becoming unable to stand up for
your own wishes or to protect your own boundaries. This can be detrimental
to your relationships, cause resentment and undermine your ability to live life
in a way that is true to yourself.’
If you find yourself feeling angry or resentful towards another person, ask
yourself if the need to be liked is holding you back from saying no to their
request or discouraging you from having what might be a difficult conversation.
Explore your thoughts here.

40

5. Follow your fears
Sometimes it can help to explore fears and motivations – and how they might
have been formed. Spend time exploring and letting go of feelings from the past
as this can allow you to make choices for you and you alone.
Rachel says, ‘Play a game with yourself. Are you willing to be the most hated,
despised, disagreeable person? What do you fear would happen if you allowed
that? Which beliefs do you have around this? Allow all the stories and scenarios
to come up and let them go. Often, these fears aren’t even your own. They might
have been picked up from your parents or your environment. Send the fears back
and enjoy the freedom.’
If you take steps towards a dream or goals that you feel a friend or relative
might dislike or disapprove of, ask yourself these questions.
What’s the worst thing that might happen?

What am I afraid of?

What’s holding me back?

41

The gentle art of
getting it wrong
Why notions of perfection and imperfection
are subjective and ever-shifting
‘When I look at a sunset,’ wrote Carl Rogers, psychologist and founder of the
client-centred approach to therapy we’re familiar with today, ‘I don’t find myself
saying, “Soften the orange a little on the right-hand corner, and use a little more
pink in the cloud colour.” I don’t do that. I don’t try to control a sunset.
I watch with awe as it unfolds.’
Like sunsets, we’re becoming. It’s the process that makes us wonderful and
perfect, even if in any given moment we need (or think we need) a bit of editing.
Perhaps this is why photos of sunsets are often disappointing. The unfolding
captures our heart, but our photos are still. It might also be why we can differ
on the moment of perfection. Some of us feel most moved by the promise of the
sky’s early rosy tones, while others are dazzled by the intensity of its peak.
42

Present imperfect
Perfection is elusive. We know it and desire it, but like a will-o’-the-wisp, its
light misleads and confounds us. Artists probably know this better than anyone.
Katsushika Hokusai, best known for The Great Wave Off Kanagawa, wrote, ‘From
the age of six, I had a passion for copying the form of things ... yet of all I drew,
by my seventieth year, there is nothing worth taking into account.’ Hokusai
created around 30,000 sketches, paintings and prints in his life. On his deathbed,
he’s said to have exclaimed, ‘Just another five more years, then I could become
a real painter.’
If these two experiences teach us anything, it’s that one person’s perfection
will almost certainly seem flawed to another. The paradox of the imperfect
perfect makes intuitive sense because we experience it in nature every day.
As author Alice Walker noted, ‘In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is
perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they’re still beautiful.’
This applies just as well to people, who we love all the more for their scars and
freckles, sorrows and terrible jokes. You’d think there would be a handy phrase
to help us pass on this wisdom, but instead of ‘imperfect is perfect’ we have
‘practice makes perfect’.
Perfection myth
‘Practice makes perfect’ is a story we’ve been telling one another for at least 500
years. According to a 2014 survey of childhood wisdom conducted by the National
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), it’s the most influential
saying passed from adults to children. Can you remember the first time you heard
the phrase? Could you hazard a guess at how many times you’ve heard it in your
life? You might say it too from time to time.
The phrase is so neat and has such pleasing symmetry and alliterative flair
that it slips under our truth radar unquestioned. But the story is impossible. No
one could say Hokusai didn’t practise enough, but he never felt he or his work
achieved perfection. So, what hope is there for the rest of us?
The things we say over and over again have great power. Like a prayer or
mantra, an oft-repeated phrase echoes inwards, shaping our belief system, and
outwards, influencing others and the world we share. If we practise and we
don’t achieve perfection in what we do, or worse, in who we are, we’re likely to
feel discouraged at best. Over a period of time, our small failures can snowball
into self-doubt, anxiety, depression, shame, guilt and fear. The gentle art of
getting it wrong means knowing our efforts will be imperfect and trying anyway.
Somewhere in the process, when we least expect it, we’ll experience something
akin to perfection.
43

VERITAS: SEVEN WAYS TO
PRACTISE IMPERFECTION
At first glance, embracing imperfection might appear to mean not trying your
best, but it’s more about being kind to yourself in the pursuit of any goals or the
undertaking of fresh tasks. The ways of being in the mnemonic ‘veritas’, outlined
here, are truthful and non-judgmental. Recalling and using them can help you feel
more able to meet difficult tasks and situations. If being vulnerable or accepting is
too hard today, however, practise self-compassion. Put your feet up, grab a cup of
coffee and a good book, know you need this space and don’t feel guilty about it.
Vulnerability: look beneath your perfect

It’s vulnerable to make an effort. Sitting an exam, painting a landscape, meeting
someone new and even cooking a meal or repairing a puncture invites
vulnerability because when we begin, we don’t know what will happen. We hope
for success, whether it comes dressed as an A-grade or a compliment; however,
there’s every chance we’ll end up with a burnt pan and a flat tyre. But a triumph is
not the point. As author and professor Brené Brown says, the more we ‘show up’
and ‘step up’, the greater our courage and resilience become. And when we shift
our focus from the illusion of perfect success to imperfect grounding experiences,
we feel more able to risk vulnerability and encounter more of what life has to offer.
44

Enough: the present is all you need
When looking for wisdom on the art of moderation, the Roman emperors may
not be an obvious port of call. But Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations, a series of
personal writings, are honest, humble and kind. ‘Life is short,’ he wrote, grieving
the loss of his wife, ‘that’s all there is to say. Get what you can from the present –
thoughtfully, justly.’ As a Stoic, Aurelius practised ‘unrestrained moderation’ in all
life’s sensory and material pleasures, valuing a clear head and self-restraint over
excess and indulgence. ‘Very little is needed to make a happy life,’ he wrote, ‘it is
all within yourself in your way of thinking.’
Reaching out: perform random acts of kindness

Doing good is good for you. Random acts of kindness help other people and they
can also improve personal wellbeing. People taking part in studies of altruism say
they feel physically healthier, less stressed and happier as a result of volunteering.
The trick is to do good deeds without fuss and in moderation. If we advertise our
kindness, we may unconsciously seek the reward of praise, and if we overdo it, we
might start to feel grudging and unappreciated.
45

Intention: towards what are you pointing your power?
‘You can do anything, but not everything.’ Every refrigerator door should
be inscribed with influential thinker David Allen’s aphorism. Trying to do
one thing perfectly is enough to compromise self-esteem, but trying to do
many things perfectly is impossible and can only result in stress and failure.
Thankfulness: notice the small perfections in each day

A butterfly at your window, a call from an old friend, picnics by the ocean. Being
thankful runs so much deeper than politeness. In recent years, the distinction
has been made by using the word gratitude to denote a more deliberate practice
of thankfulness. We know from research that people who practise gratitude
regularly notice an improvement in their mood, sleep, physical and mental
resilience, patience and relationships.
Acceptance: let the light in

Life is filled with suboptimal moments: rainy summer days, missed trains and
broken mugs being a few of the more trivial ones. Resigning ourselves to a life
of these moments is awful, tolerance buries sadness or anger that may harm us
later and as for understanding, well, accidents happen. There’s no use throwing
our hands in the air and crying, ‘My favourite mug! Why, oh why, did this happen
to me?’ By describing the forces that rock us and recognising them for what
they are, without resignation, tolerance or understanding, it is possible for us
to choose how we respond and allow ourselves to find peaceful acceptance. As
musician Leonard Cohen, the ‘godfather of singers who can’t sing’, wrote, ‘There
is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.’
Self-compassion: there is no flow without ebb

The first six practices on this list require some degree of effort, and this is only
possible when the foundations of self-compassion have been laid first. This final
practice is for the other times. The occasions when we falter, go inwards or ebb.
This is a period for self-compassion, which will look different to each of us. It
might be a bath or surf, a long walk or a duvet day, a quiet movie night at home
or a night out. The point, as American Tibetan Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön
teaches, ‘isn’t some kind of self-improvement project or ideal ... it starts and ends
with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves.’ It’s about
embracing all those perfect imperfections.

IMPORTANT, NOT URGENT
The secret is to start small and start now. Write a list of all the things that are
important for you to do. And ‘important’ is the key, with the most meaningful
things going at the top, not the most pressing. ‘Pursue what catches your heart,’
says author Roy T Bennett, ‘not what catches your eyes.’ Next, divide big tasks
into small chunks and feel good about ticking them off.

47

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING
Considering it takes just a few minutes each day, the benefits of practising
gratitude really are transformative. The words you choose to frame your thanks
are likely to affect how comfortable you feel and how much you benefit. Some
people prefer to reflect on ‘what went well’, while others ‘give thanks’. For some
people, a list of three things is enough, and for others, the deeper dive of a piece
of reflective or creative writing is more meaningful.
Today I feel grateful for:

48

Is there someone who’s had a big impact on your life? Write a letter of gratitude
to them here, remembering to include what they’ve given you, how they’ve
brightened up your life and the shared memories you’ll treasure.

49

Absolute beginners
Developing an open and optimistic mindset can enable a more
adaptive response to change and challenges
Open-minded, curious, eager to explore – these characteristics, which so neatly

describe the state of early childhood, are surely some of life’s most wonderful
qualities. Many in the West would sum it up as ‘beginner’s mind’. For Zen
Buddhists, it is shoshin – an attitude of being open, eager to learn and free of
preconceptions, which is a good starting point for meditation.
Notable Zen monk Shunryu Suzuki describes in his book Zen Mind, Beginner’s
Mind how within this state ‘our original mind is always rich and sufficient
within itself’, unlike, perhaps, when a person might be clinging to their ego and
pre-acquired knowledge. He says, ‘If your mind is open, it’s ready for anything,
it’s open to everything. In the beginner’s mind, there are many possibilities, in
the expert’s mind there are few.’ He argues that this state is the most important
aspect of Buddhism – a practitioner, he says, should never say they ‘know’ Zen.
50

51

Beyond meditation
And this mindful openness isn’t just important for meditation. It’s something
that can enrich a person’s entire existence. The present moment, after all, is
where joy and happiness are to be found. As a person becomes more conscious of
the here and now, past hurts and future worries have less of an impact on their
sense of wellbeing. This is where knowledge and experience can hinder. They can
get in the way of perceiving the moment as they draw a person into thinking and
analysing rather than perceiving through the senses. Shoshin is like maintaining
a child’s wonder at their first sight of a leaf falling from a tree or a cloud drifting
in the sky. It’s about being fully awake and noticing everything. It’s a state of
being ready to learn rather than already knowing.
An open mind
Being aware without preconceptions can also help resolve workplace problems
and social situations because it allows a situation to be viewed without recourse
to previously acquired knowledge, or getting caught up in recollections of similar
experiences. This makes it more likely that details unique and pertinent to the
unfolding situation will be seen and processed.
Let’s imagine, for example, you’re with a friend who’s relaying a relationship
problem. You may have been in a similar situation and feel encouraged to make
suggestions based on your experience and outcome. You focus on the similarities
but, in doing this, you might miss the differences between this problem and the
previous one, and overlook the prospect that their situation requires a fresh
approach. You aren’t experiencing this moment fully because preconceptions
and outside thoughts are paramount. The shoshin approach would be to listen
without prejudging and bring more awareness and presence to the friend’s words.
In this way, the mind stays open and is better able to gather new information.
BE A BETTER LISTENER
•
Put down the phone, close your book, move away from the
computer – set aside any distractions and focus on the speaker.
•
Make good eye contact and actively engage with what’s being
said using verbal and non-verbal cues.
•
Don’t presume to know what will be said next or finish their
sentences. Focus instead on asking open-ended questions.
52

Closed thinking
In a 2015 research paper in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Professor
Victor Ottati from Loyola University in Chicago demonstrated that people who
perceived themselves as experts were more likely to exhibit signs of closed-
thinking. Sometimes, for certain people, the more they think they know, the
more likely it is their mind will prevent them from learning fresh information.
This is only one paper, and it goes without saying that knowledge and
experience are hugely important. Who’d elect to be operated on by a surgeon
who wasn’t qualified? The idea is not to undervalue what you know and the
things you’ve been through, but to recognise that there’ll be times in life when
curiosity and a state of being that encourages a questioning mind might be as – if
not more – effective.
53

54

BACK TO THE BEGINNING
Learn to maintain an alive, open state, even as you gather more wisdom.
1. Live like a child

As you go about your day, try to imagine everything you see, hear and feel is
happening for the first time. Mindfulness and wellbeing coach Hanna Milton has
this suggestion: ‘Imagine you’re an alien who’s just landed on Earth. You’re seeing
things for the first time. Everything is new and unfamiliar, you have no prior
assumptions or expectations, just endless curiosity and awe.’
Try to be aware of that tendency to switch off because you think you know a
situation, have experienced it often and are confident of what’s going to happen
next. For example, imagine that you’re taking an online yoga class that you’ve
attended several times in the past. After a while, it might become mundane and
boring to the point that when you practise, your mind is already focused on the
next move. Instead, try to imagine you’ve never done a pose or sequence before.
Drop deeper into the body, and concentrate on your sensations and your breathing,
so the moment becomes more alive. Zen monk Suzuki suggests keeping in mind the
phrase ‘not always so’ to remind you that each situation is unique.
2. Ask questions
Children do this a lot. They ask ‘why?’ constantly. If you find yourself with a work
problem to solve or a friend needs help with a dilemma, hold back your impulse
to give immediate answers. This can be especially helpful if you’re an expert
or manager and feel that it’s your job to provide them. First, ask questions and
gather more details. This will help you to grow, provide a more rounded picture
of an event and might even lead to more effective problem-solving.
3. Practise meditation
Dwell in the beginner’s mind. As you sit and focus on breathing, and what your
senses perceive, pay attention to any fixed views or judgments you make. Don’t
try to stop them, just let them float by, always bringing your attention back to
the present. Whenever you have a problem, a decision or challenge in your life,
instead of rushing to solve or fix it, step back and breathe. This can connect
you to your original mind, the part of you that can be curious rather than being
entangled with the emotional charge of a situation.
4. Listen closely
Yoga and meditation teacher Claire Santos suggests people ‘practise listening
and observing at least as much as they speak [and that they] watch and hear
with the curiosity of a child.’ Listen also to your own mind. Notice if you have the
tendency to want to jump in and interrupt or if you’re anxiously waiting for the
end of someone else’s sentence because you’ve already composed your response
and can’t wait to get it out there.
55

DROP THE EGO
Whether due to demanding expectations of parents, a moment of humilation
as a child or being teased by friends, it’s a common trait to want to cling to the
need to know or the need to be right in certain situations. If this happens to you,
ponder what might be behind the inclination. Journalling can sometimes help to
explore why it feels so important to know or be right. Think of the last time you
felt this way, use the prompts here as a starting point, and write down whatever
comes to mind. Don’t judge, criticise or censor your ideas. Venting freely like this
can enable you think to more clearly.
Did you feel the need to justify yourself or your actions in some way?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
56

What would have happened if you’d backed down?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
What were you hoping would happen? What was your endgame?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
57

58

The art of synchronicity
What if it were possible to harness the fortuitous moments that
offer meaningful opportunities?
Have you ever witnessed a series of events unfold in your life that made you feel
as though luck was definitely on your side? Or wondered if what had happened
was too much of a coincidence to put down simply to chance? It’s likely that
you have – more than once. But what if there was a hidden power in these
coincidences – a power that could lead to countless opportunities if you learned
to harness it?
Making the connection

This is the art of synchronicity, or, to use the term coined by author and spiritual
guide, Deepak Chopra, ‘synchrodestiny’. In his book with the same name, he
describes these fortuitous moments of chance as ‘the shooting stars of everyday
life’. He writes, ‘Each of us is immersed in a network of coincidences that inspire
us and help direct our lives. Miracles happen every day. They bubble up from
their hidden source, surround us with opportunities and disappear. I do not
believe in meaningless coincidences. I believe every one is a message, a clue about
a particular facet of our lives that requires attention.’
But if synchronicity is happening all around us, why are we mostly unaware
of it? According to Deepak, people understand these connections on an intuitive
level when they’re young. Children notice the innate beauty of nature – the
tiniest ladybirds and the most expansive skies – and they’re more likely to see
things that, for adults caught up in the busy pace of life, tend to be overlooked.
In Sanskrit, this intuitive state is known as sat chit ananda, which translates to
‘truth, consciousness, bliss’, and refers to an experience of oneness – of yourself,
others and ultimately the universe. If you manage to find your way back to a
place where you can trust in this inseparability and relatedness of all things,
the world opens up; there is opportunity everywhere, and you gain the ability
to transform your life according to your intentions.
It might seem too good to be true. But what if the only thing preventing you
from experiencing a more abundant life, where positive events flowed easily and
seamlessly into one another, was your perception? Trite as it sounds, this is about
something much deeper and more profound than positive thinking. Ultimately,
things are happening all the time that can trigger people on an emotional level.
And synchronicity is about finding meaning in all of it.
59

A deeper meaning
The key to this is, according to Deepak, deep-self-awareness. That is, of a deep
self, beyond the mind, beyond thought and feeling, that is the essence of every
single human, that he describes as ‘pure potential’ and asserts is a place from
where ‘anything and everything is possible’. But if you need to access a place of
heightened consciousness to experience this state, how do you achieve it? The
first step is to approach reality in an entirely new way, through an understanding
of what Deepak terms the ‘nature of the three levels of existence’.
Level 1
The first level is the physical domain, where the interpretation of tangible objects
and activities takes place through the five senses – sound, touch, taste, sight and
smell. This is the realm where time seems to flow in a straight line, everything
has a beginning, middle and an ending and is impermanent. Here, Newton’s laws
of physics apply – objects remain in a state of motion unless external forces act
upon them. In this everyday reality, you believe only what you can physically see
and emphasis is placed on separateness rather than interconnectedness.
Level 2
The second is the quantum domain, a nonphysical level of information and
energy where everything is interconnected. According to physicist Albert
Einstein’s famous equation E=MC², energy and mass are one and the same thing,
manifested in different forms. Every solid thing in the universe – buildings,
furniture, trees – is ultimately formed from miniscule subatomic particles so
small they can’t be seen with even the most powerful telescope.
This is because they’re smaller than the particles of visible light or, to put it
another way, events in this domain occur at the speed of light – a speed too fast
for our senses to comprehend. In this realm, you can witness how the part of you
that you consider to be your ‘self’ – your mind, thoughts or ego – is non-physical
and can’t be touched, yet it is very real.
Level 3
The third is the virtual domain and consists of pure consciousness, also known
as spirit. As an intelligence that is not in space and time, it has no location. This
is the true essence of each human being and continues to evolve eternally.
When you connect to this realm, you understand that everything in life is
a reflection of your state of consciousness. According to Deepak, ‘the world is
a mirror’, and when you understand ‘the flow of energy and information that
directs every moment, mundane things just don’t bother you any more.’
This is the power of synchronicity and when you become conscious of it, you’re
armed with the tools to make decisions in life. Rather than feeling the world is
against you and lurching from one choice to the next, you trust in a deep source
of inner guidance.
60

MASTER YOUR INNER DIALOGUE
Everyone has an inner dialogue, and all too often it comes from a place of fear
that hinders the ability to thrive. We are our own worst critics and often judge
ourselves harshly, basing deemed success on external factors such as fame, power
and wealth. The key to overcoming this is to practise positive inner dialogue.
Every morning and evening, look into the mirror and repeat the following three
phrases or mantras:
• ‘No one else is me, and that is wonderful.’

• ‘I am grateful for who I am and who I am becoming.’
• ‘I’m on the path that is best for me right now.’
Each time you do this, think of something you’ve done recently, however small,
that deserves celebrating and note it here.
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
61

Inner strength
Whether you’re embarrassed by angry outbursts or want to find
it easier to assert yourself, it’s probably time to get familiar with
your inner warrior
The idea that people’s personalities comprise a number of different aspects is

commonly accepted by psychologists. We express various sides of ourselves
depending on where we are, what we’re doing and who we’re around. If you’ve
ever lain in bed having an argument in your head about whether you should get
up and exercise, you’ve experienced conflict between parts of your personality.
According to Carl Jung, 12 of these traits – or archetypes – are inherent in us
all. Among them are child, nurturer, sage, joker, rebel, ruler, warrior, magician,
lover and explorer. Throughout our lives, one may become more prominent or
lay fallow. We need them to be balanced and work in harmony to make things
happen. Without the softening influences of nurturer’s caring, for example, the
fighter would be cruel and heartless.
62

Past powers
The timeless archetype of the warrior is one of strength and valour. History
and folklore are littered with armies going boldly into battle for worthy causes –
disciplined samurai of Japan, methodical Spartans and Viking shield-maidens.
The warrior represents our power in the world to get things done and make
things better. Forthright and proactive, when life calls on you to dig deep to
meet a challenge, stand up for something you believe in, or persevere when the
going gets tough, it’s this strength that you’re digging for. We’re all born brave
and powerful, but for some of us, this latent energy lays dormant and untapped
beneath the surface.
When a person has been unwilling or unable to defend themselves or go for
something that’s important or when fear and anxiety are overwhelming, the
presence of this fiery ally may be difficult to detect. At other times, it can come
forward with force. The warrior becomes problematic when it goes rogue and
misses out on the tempering influence of the rest of your personality. It’s then
you might encounter the part of you that releases a stream of expletives at
another driver. These moments are evidence that this power source exists within
you and, if you can learn to harness it, you can rely on it to help you stand your
ground, fuel your dreams and do good in the world.
63

CULTIVATE YOUR INNER WARRIOR
Discover how this aspect manifests for you.
1. Use your imagination

Find a time and place where you won’t be disturbed and sit for a while with your
eyes closed. Allow yourself to settle in and notice as your mind and body start
to quiet. As you think of that powerful force to get things done, what image
comes to mind? Perhaps it’s a character from a film or book. Maybe you imagine
a brave knight battling a noble cause or a fierce huntress defending her tribe. You
might recognise that force in a dedicated nurse on a long night shift or an activist
staging a peaceful protest for a worthy cause. Just allow your mind to flit about
until it finds an image that works for you. How are they dressed? What are they
carrying? How do they hold themselves?
Use this space to sketch your warrior, or perhaps you can find an image in a
magazine or make a collage or vision board.
64

2. Finding key traits
Get a sense of the energy of that character, of their voice, vitality and values.
What words best describe what’s important to you about them? Perhaps you
sense guts, tenacity, brawn, honour, passion, resilience and loyalty. What do they
care about? Do they have a motto?
Jot down words and phrases that you associate with your warrior.
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
65

3. What’s your battle cry?
Does your warrior respond to a particular song or type of music? If they were a
professional wrestler, what song would be playing as they made their way into
the ring? Maybe there’s a particular scent that invokes this spirit? How are you
standing when you feel most connected to them?
Make a note of things that wake up your inner warrior, so you’ll know how to call
them in the future.
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
66

4. Serve a just leader
Throughout history, warriors have done best when following a good leader. They
might be forceful and disciplined but need direction and purpose. You should not
lead with this energy, but channel it wisely. With which qualities in your personality
do you wish to lead? What’s important to you about how you act and behave?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
5. Find a noble cause

It is important to recognise what you’re fighting for. To lash out without thinking
is not a good use of this energy. You need a clear and definite purpose. Anger is
one of our most primitive emotions, triggering our fight-or-flight response. Often,
it conceals subtler emotions beneath. By uncovering these feelings, it can be
easier to make more discerning choices about what’s important to you.
Identify the things that trigger you or make you feel powerless. What are the
common themes? What is it that you need or want to change? What are your
goals? How could you harness this energy to help you?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
67

6. Choose your weapon wisely
The modern warrior is unlikely to require full artillery. Often our
strength is best deployed more subtly rather than with a full-on
assault. With clarity about what you’re fighting for comes clear
judgment about the best way to employ your energy, taking
calculated but not unnecessary risks. Keeping your intentions
in mind, assess your options. The key is action, not aggression.
What actions will be most likely to take you to your goal while
maintaining your honour?
��
��
��
��
��
7. Mindfulness
The definition of a warrior is ‘one who conquers oneself ’. A warrior
is alert, vigilant and present, fully tuned in and responsive to the
environment. The spirit of mindfulness is truly alive in one who
understands and faces the inevitability of death. Overcoming fear
requires mastering and focusing the mind. Use your senses to
survey the situation. Take a mindful step back to observe your own
emotions and ensure that you are acting in line with your goals
and values. What are you feeling? Is this confined to the current
situation, or are past triggers being activated?
��
��
��
��
��
68

69

Trusting your gut
Learning how to tune into your gut feelings and recognise when
you’re confusing them with excuses can help build the skills needed
to face fears or try something new – a key trait of a resilient mind
Some people set great store by gut feelings, while others don’t think twice about
dismissing them out of hand. Writing for Psychology Today, Professor Hank Davis
says, ‘The messages that your brain’s heuristics [mental shortcuts that enable you
to make decisions quickly and efficiently] deliver are not carved in stone and we’re
under no obligation to take them to heart. Sometimes, for example, that machinery
works a bit too well. Is that a snake or a stick? From the heuristic’s point of view,
they’re all snakes. The cost of checking out whether there might occasionally be a
stick is just too high.’ This raises an important point when deciding whether or not
to trust your gut instinct. Is it really a gut instinct (based on latent memories), an
excuse to do or not to do something or a reason to explain an ill-advised decision?
70

71

Tuning in
As George Anderson, motivational speaker, and wellbeing and performance
coach, says, ‘Wherever there’s the promise of pain, you can be sure to find
excuses.’ Of course, the definition of pain depends on the situation, but who
hasn’t said ‘I’m not going to the gym, I feel a bit under the weather’ or ‘one more
biscuit is fine – I think my blood sugar’s low.’ These in themselves can be valid –
if they’re true. But the only person to know if they’re true or not is you.
This is, in fact, the key to identifying a gut instinct from an excuse. If you
are able to anticipate what your gut instincts are going to tell you, it’s quite
likely to be the latter. Gut instincts are a reaction to any given circumstance,
essentially sending an error message to your brain. Therefore, they can’t be
anticipated. George explains how he tries to counter this excuse-making: ‘I’d
run through all of the likely conversations I might have and came up with
better reasons to ignore them. Just as soon as I noticed the excuses starting,
my countermeasures kicked in.’
Tuning in to gut instincts and separating them from excuses needs close
introspection. You know deep down if something’s an excuse and also be aware
of why you don’t want to be honest about your reason for not doing something.
Making excuses
Writing for Harvard Business Review, Michael Schrage, author and research fellow
at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, says, ‘I bet I can tell – just like
you – when the people we work with use “intuition” and “gut instinct” more as
excuses than as reasons. Even worse, I bet I can tell – just like you – when I am
using them more as excuses than as reasons.’
There’s nothing wrong with being honest with yourself – if you don’t want to
go out for a run because you want to watch a show on Netflix, be truthful. Then
you have to decide how you are going to respond to these excuses – are you going
to ignore them (go running), acknowledge they are an excuse (be honest) or go
with them (watch Netflix)?
‘Anticipate your default response, then decide in advance how you want to
show up instead,’ says George. If you recognise them for excuses, eventually you
will become more in tune with your gut feelings, as you will acknowledge them
for what they are and then decide whether to act on them or ignore them.
72

Snap decisions
Michael believes that, in the business world, the notion of gut instinct is
commonly misused as a way of making snap decisions. He says, ‘I know too many
managers who excuse their cavalier decision-making with an “I-went-with-my-
gut-on-this-one” rationalisation.’
He recommends ‘a simple, cheap experiment: the next few times you make a
snap decision or judgment where your gut is your best friend, take 20 seconds to
send yourself an email or text briefly describing what you did and why. Quit after
doing it maybe 20 times. Then look at those messages from the vantage of a week
later. I promise you’ll be surprised.’
As you know when you have followed your gut on something, there’s often an
unexpected nagging feeling that is difficult to ignore. It’s not a snap decision, and
it’s not something that you can anticipate. It often goes against what you might
want to do. This gut instinct is essentially an error message triggered by an
intended action. If a gut instinct supports what you want to do, it probably isn’t
what it seems and is more likely to be an excuse for making a certain decision.
Learn how to differentiate between the two, and it might open up a new world.
73

GUT INSTINCT CHECK-IN
Next time you’re hit with that nagging instinct or reaction to something, ask
yourself these questions.
Why do you think a gut reaction has been triggered? Would following this
intended course of action prevent you from doing something else?

Deep down, do you really want to do the thing you’ve had a gut reaction to?

Ignore the reaction or instinct for a few minutes – is there a feeling of anxiety,
or do you move on?

74

Was the instinct or reaction a surprise? Or were you anticipating it?

If the consequences of following your gut reaction are far-reaching, send yourself
a text or email, or make a note of the decision and come back to it in a while –
does it still seem like the only course?

In time, you will come to recognise the gut feelings you can’t ignore and be able
to separate them from excuses or justifications.
75

76

‘An amazing thing happens when you
stop seeking approval and validation:
You find it.’
Mandy Hale
With your permission

Permission can be sought, found and refused from a wide variety
of people in life – parents, friends, bosses, authority figures – and
from yourself. You can be so used to looking for external approval
that you find it difficult to give permission to yourself. So, if you
don’t allow yourself to live as you want to, to feel your emotions
and to be the person you truly are, and instead rely on getting
authorisation from other people, how can you reach your full
potential, take care of your own needs and, ultimately, be happy?
What do you need permission for?

Many people reading this won’t feel the need to ask for permission, they’ll go
about their life as they choose to, believing in themselves and their ability to live
as they want. But there are others who might be wondering what permission
refers to and where they might be looking for external authorisation that they
aren’t giving themselves.
If, however, you tell yourself you should do something, you should feel a
certain way, or you should be different, then chances are you’re looking for
external approval. Ditto if you think you’re not allowed to fail, to make mistakes,
to succeed, to earn money, to have fun, to be happy, to look after yourself, to live
differently or to be the person you truly want to be. It’s a similar story if you need
someone else to say you can take a break, go for the promotion, take care of your
own needs, that it’s okay you messed up or that you feel whatever you’re feeling.
77

The need for external approval
If you find it hard to give yourself permission, it could be because you’re really
good at taking care of everyone else. You’re used to being the responsible person.
You want to make everyone happy, keep the peace, be a good person and get their
approval. You’re so used to seeking permission outside of yourself, whether it’s
from family or strangers on social media, that you’ve lost touch with knowing
what’s right for you and what you need.
As long as you’re seeking permission from other people, you aren’t in control of
your own life, trusting yourself to live as you know best and to be yourself.
Make your decisions

A helpful exercise is to think about what you’d give yourself permission for if you
were your own best friend. If you were exhausted and feeling overwhelmed, what
would you allow yourself to do? Or, if you wanted to apply for a job with a much
bigger salary than you’re currently earning but feel that you shouldn’t, what
would you say? Imagining you are your own best friend can help you give yourself
permission rather than looking for (and perhaps failing to achieve) it elsewhere.
You can also pay attention to self-talk. Notice if you use ‘should’ a lot or tell
yourself you ‘ought to’, you ‘have to’ or you’ve ‘got to’. Try swapping these words
for ‘I could’, ‘I want to’ or ‘I choose’, so that you’re taking ownership of your
actions, you’re making the choice rather than following an obligation.
‘No one can make you

feel small without
your permission.’
Eleanor Roosevelt
78

SET YOURSELF FREE
There are many situations in life where you might need to give yourself
permission. Here are four areas:
1. Permission to fail
Feeling that you can’t fail, that you mustn’t make mistakes or that you shouldn’t
get things wrong can hold you back in life. Believing that you might fail can stop
you from trying something new and keep you from exploring opportunities. It can
feel scary to do something unfamiliar. But if you don’t give yourself permission
to try and possibly fail, you’ll never know. By getting things wrong or making
mistakes, you learn. By denying yourself the chance to have a go, when you don’t
know what the outcome could be, you’re denying yourself the opportunity to
grow and develop as a person.
What new activities would you like to try?

79

2. Permission to succeed
When you don’t give yourself permission to fail, you’re also denying yourself the
chance to succeed, because you’re not engaging with the unknown. When starting
your own business, you might not get it off the ground, or you could make an
incredible success of it, but you’ll never know if you don’t allow yourself to try.
Success doesn’t have a single definition – it isn’t solely about status or wealth. You
decide what it means to you, whether that’s seeing a loved one smile each day or
having the freedom to work anywhere in the world. When you decide what success
looks like to you, you are the best person to give yourself permission to go for it.
What are your goals?
��
��
��
��
��
What are your dreams?
��
��
��
��
��
What is your motivation?
��
��
��
��
80

3. Permission to take care of yourself
When a person is thoughtful, generous and puts other people’s needs above
their own, they can find it difficult to give themselves permission to look after
their own needs. There can be a belief that it’s selfish to consider your own
needs because that must mean putting yourself above others. But it isn’t a case
of who is first or last in line. Your needs matter just as much as those of your
family, friends, colleagues or community. By giving yourself permission to care for
yourself you’re saying ‘me as well’ not ‘me first’.
When you take care of your own needs and do what you need to feel nourished
and supported, you’re better able to be the best version of yourself and to take
care of those around you. You have more energy for work, more patience with
your family; you feel more optimistic, and better able to cope with challenges
and difficulties in life. By giving yourself permission to look after your own needs,
you’re valuing yourself and demonstrating that to the people around you.
What would you do if you had a spare weekend?
��
��
��
��
��
��
What’s your favourite place to escape to?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
81

4. Permission to be happy, or sad, or however you’re feeling
There can be times when it can seem like certain emotions aren’t allowed. There
are people having a much harder time than you, so what right have you to feel
sad, angry, lonely or stressed? Everything is going well at work so how can you
feel anxious, overwhelmed or jealous? Maybe you learned to hide your feelings
from seeing adults hide theirs when you were a child. Perhaps you think you
need to be strong for your family during an upsetting time, so feel you can’t cry.
There are no bad feelings, just ones that are uncomfortable or you’d rather not
have, but to deny these rarely helps. Giving yourself permission to experience
whatever it is you’re feeling and sitting with it can loosen its grip. Practising self-
compassion can help to reduce any pain the feelings create.
It’s important you also allow yourself to feel happy. Not only when you’ve
reached a goal, but right now, if that’s how you feel. Giving yourself permission
to be happy doesn’t mean you don’t care about those who aren’t. It isn’t selfish or
self-indulgent. Happiness is what every person wants and deserves to feel.
By looking outside of yourself for someone else to give you permission before
you embrace success, before you try and fail, before you acknowledge your
feelings and care for your own needs, you are putting the brakes on how you live
your life. Their permission, their approval, might never be given. The only person
who can truly give you permission to live your life as fully as you want to, and can,
is you. Ultimately, when you give yourself permission to be yourself, to be the
person you want to be in the world, you free yourself to fulfil your potential and
to experience all the joy that’s available to you.
82

What can you give yourself permission for today?

83

‘It takes courage to grow up and
become who you really are.’
E E Cummings
Courage of conviction
Instead of seeking validation from others, try looking inwards
to find a sense of self-worth. Here’s how to stop outsourcing
your confidence
While the dictionary defines confidence as feeling sure of yourself and your
abilities, some high-achievers have a different understanding of what it means.
They believe it will come once they get another qualification or reach their
next goal. Many will wait to get the nod of approval from someone they regard
as superior or more experienced before they feel good enough. In many ways,
desiring external validation is normal as it gives a person a boost, but it cannot
replace their belief in themselves.
This poses a big question: why are we socially conditioned to place more value
on external validation than our own approval?
The answer lies in evolution. According to Nigel Nicholson, a professor of
organisational behaviour at London Business School, ‘Homo sapiens emerged
some 200,000 years ago, yet according to evolutionary psychology, people
today still seek those traits that made survival possible then: for instance, an
instinct to fight furiously when threatened and a drive to trade information
and share secrets.’
84

85

Path to acceptance
In a similar way, the need to be part of a group was necessary for our clan-living
and hunter-gatherer ancestors. And while the world has changed since then, that
instinct to fit in is hardwired. What was once necessary for survival, has evolved
to a cultural normality. ‘One of our more enduring social fallacies is the idea that
what others think of us actually matters,’ says counsellor and life coach Michael
J Formica. ‘While this notion clearly has primal evolutionary roots, its shift from
survival instinct to social imperative has become one of our greatest obstacles to
self-acceptance.’
Gaining confidence is not a matter of eliminating your desire for external
validation, it’s about making a conscious effort to start accepting who you are so
you feel safe to be yourself. According to psychotherapist and life coach Sherry
Gaba: ‘Validation is part of being interdependent and relying on the feedback and
encouragement of others around us. Even very independent people still need this
in some aspects of their lives. However, they’re also able to accept their own self-
validation if they don’t get it from someone else.’
Remember: the confidence you’re seeking is inside you, and it’s growing
stronger every moment that you place your focus on it.
86

FIND YOUR INNER POWER
Try these simple ways to cultivate your self-confidence.
1. Get to know yourself

Go on a self-discovery journey. Learn who you are, rather than who others think
you should be. It’s not about labelling yourself; it’s about gaining awareness
and giving yourself permission to move through the world in that way of being.
Perhaps start with these questions:
What lights you up?
��
��
��
What depletes you?
��
��
��
What are your natural strengths?
��
��
��
What are your weaknesses?
��
��
��
87

88

2. Don’t try to be perfect
Know that being confident isn’t about being right or perfect. Try to be
compassionate towards yourself when you’re neither of those things. Your
confidence is not dependent on a specific result or outcome, and it’s not about
being in control. It’s a deep-rooted knowledge that you are always enough, even
when you make a mistake or you don’t feel your best.
If you have a voice in your head saying you are not all you could be, replace it
with one that says ‘I am enough’. Say it every morning and every evening until it
sinks in and your mind accepts it. ‘I am enough, I have enough, I have always been
enough and I always will be enough.’
3. Don’t underestimate your capabilities

The mind can run wild thinking of all the unfavourable potential outcomes and the
various what ifs. The next time this happens, remind yourself that you’re talented,
capable and resourceful. You’ve survived bad days and created many opportunities
for yourself. Most importantly, you’re capable of experiencing negative emotions
and allowing them to pass, which is part of the human experience.
What do you believe about yourself and your abilities? Are they valid? What would
your friends or family think of them?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
89

4. Learn to refuse
Doing this for something that isn’t right for you is one of the most confident
things you can do. When you say no to something that makes you feel small,
doesn’t honour your values or doesn’t work for where you are in your life right
now, you’re saying that you value yourself and your time.
List the times you should say no:
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
5. Trust yourself
The next time you’re thinking about changing your answer to please someone
or watering down your message to appeal to more people, take a moment and
remember you’re on your own path. It might look different to your friends’ or the
one your parents chose but that is perfectly normal. Keep following your curiosity
and trust what’s unfolding in front of you.
Things that bring you serenity and calmness:
��
��
��
��
��
��
90

6. Focus on something that you really desire
Maybe you want a specific lifestyle, a travel opportunity or a successful career.
Try to think of something that excites you but also scares you a bit. This vision
will require you to expand into a bigger, more self-assured version of yourself and
you will need courage to get there.
Use this space to describe your dreams:
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
Start taking small steps beyond your comfort zone and watch your confidence
grow as you show yourself how highly capable you are. Remember that the more
you believe in yourself, the more others will too. As your confidence increases,
you might notice others look to you for answers and offer you a new level of
support. It’s also possible you will feel more at ease with people you were once
nervous around. Compliments and encouragement from others are great plus
points when you already feel good about who you are.
7. Be quietly confident
You might think the most confident person in a room is
the loudest, most charismatic individual with lots of people
around them but that’s rarely the case. It’s often the one
who has a calm sense of peace and doesn’t need to prove
who they are.
91

When your most isn’t enough
Whether it’s forging a new career opportunity, creating a dynamic
fitness plan or making new friends, hitting a goal is rarely smooth
sailing. Here’s how to cope when your best falls short
You can probably remember a time you gave something your best effort in the
hope of achieving a goal, and yet you didn’t make progress at the rate you were
expecting. You might even be experiencing this now, and the chances are it’ll
happen again in the future. Targets are great things to have. They can create a
sense of purpose and keep you motivated. The trick, however, is learning to keep
them in check, because to cross the line from healthy aspiration to intense desire
leaves too much room for feelings of inadequacy to creep in if, and when, things
don’t go as planned.
The struggle that often follows when you set a goal is natural. Part of the
battle is finding enjoyment in the journey, but this isn’t easy when your to-do
list seems never-ending and it’s a choice between ticking one more thing off or
getting a good night’s sleep. If you aren’t careful, your dream can soon become
all-consuming and the passion for the project lost in worry and self-doubt.
Suddenly, it’s a burden to bear. This is even more likely to happen if you base
your self-worth on the attainment of goals. So, what happens when, for whatever
reason, these targets are deferred? Consider this your guide for when you’re
giving it your all but with little sign of success.
92

93

STAYING POWER
1. Empower yourself
When you’re aiming high, patience is key. Lucy Sheridan, author of The
Comparison Cure, says, ‘Life isn’t next-day delivery. It’s important to realise we’re
not being “picked out” to go slower or to have it harder than anyone else. And
it doesn’t mean things aren’t happening. It’s just, rather, we can’t be in control
of every single part of something coming to life.’ It can be freeing to realise that
unexpected external factors will affect the rate of progress.
‘It’s also about making sure that, when the opportunity you want does arrive,
you’re a good host for the opportunity,’ says Lucy. ‘Are you feeling your best and
looking after yourself so that you can rise up to meet it?’ You might be so focused
on the end goal that you’ve forgotten about living with its outcome.
Consider how you might create the conditions for what you want to happen.
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
94

2. Befriend comparison
Something to watch out for is how you respond to comparison. The plethora
of social media apps available means it’s never been easier to look at someone
else’s good news and wonder why it’s not your turn to share the same, but Lucy
advises that comparison doesn’t have to be a negative experience. ‘Sometimes
I get caught in the moment of “I don’t have that and that should be mine”, which
is really unpleasant. But it’s in that moment I’m reminded of how much I desire
something and how important it is to me.’
The reason comparison feels so horrible is because, as Lucy says, ‘it reminds you
where you’re not and how far you’ve got to go.’ Take any negative feelings and
reframe them as being further evidence that what you want is possible, because
if others can have it, so can you. ‘Nobody gets to skip the work,’ says Lucy, but it’s
easy to forget that when you’re looking at perfect artwork or smiley photo posts.
Try not to let it harm your contentment.
Noticing your triggers for comparison can help you become clearer on what you
want. Name some of your triggers here. What do they reveal?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
95

3. Let ambition serve you
Ambition plays a role in how kind, or unkind, you are to yourself when it feels as
though you could be doing more, or that your full capacity is never enough. Even
if you don’t regard yourself as being ambitious, that quality tends to reveal itself
when someone is invested in meeting a target, be it professional or personal.
Aspirations can serve to cultivate the energy needed to set things in motion.
When you allow your goals to dominate your mindset, however, you can motivate
yourself to the point of punishment. The truth is there will always be one more
thing to do, but learning to draw the line is vital. Lucy says seeing boundaries as
healthy and learning to view relaxation as necessary rather than lax will be better
for your wellbeing and your relationship towards your objective.
Consider how you can best make use of time away from everyday life to recharge.
List some restful activities you might like to try here.

96

4. Be clear on your worth
It’s also sensible not to rate one’s worth in terms of productivity. ‘My worth is
not measured by ticking off tasks,’ insists Lucy, ‘it’s measured by my continued
passion to love what I’m doing.’ Adopting this mindset isn’t easy and there are
often other external pressures that come into play that make it hard, so it’s
important not to feel bad if it’s a struggle to put enough distance between your
self-worth and successes. It takes a lot of practice to think this way, but in the
long run, it will help to negate any feelings of guilt when the pending items on a
task list steadfastly refuse to be ticked off.
Deciding on non-negotiable things that make you feel good (like going for a walk
or cycle) will set a limit on your productive hours. What do you enjoy doing?
��
��
��
��
��
��
5. Find self-compassion
Setting mini-targets, almost like checkpoints, can help to manage thoughts that
you aren’t achieving what you ‘should’ be. Try listing some here. And when you
hit these mini-milestones, mark the occasion and derive as much enjoyment from
it as you can. What reward might you give yourself?
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
97

6. Is your dream demanding too much of you?
If you’re wondering whether it’s time to put your goal on hold, it probably is.
Rest is an important part of the process, after all. Are you doing or experiencing
any of the below?
• Sacrificing sleep often

• Forgetting to eat regular healthy meals
• Cancelling social plans
• Stopping personal activities you enjoy, like reading, walking or painting
• Not making time to exercise or get outside
• Feeling guilty when you take time off
• Coping with dread or anxiety at the thought of your goal rather than
feeling excited
• Allowing your self-worth to fluctuate in line with successes and setbacks
• Running on adrenaline most of the time
• Always thinking about your goal, from first thing in the morning to last
thing at night
If you said yes to at least three of these, it could be a sign that it’s time to
schedule some fun plans that have nothing to do with your goal.

Carving out the time and space to enjoy activities that have nothing to do with
your goal can refresh your thinking process and might even spark new inspiration.
List activities you could do this week to bring you serenity and calmness.

99

Garden of the mind
Plant the seeds of positive thinking – one of the main
characteristics of a resilient person – in the subconscious
The sunflower towers implausibly high above the ground, its bright, nodding
head joyfully punctuating the horizon. It seems precarious, but only because its
strong network of roots and nutrients are hidden beneath the earth. In a similar
way, it’s possible to be unaware of your own potential to tap into a vast and
intelligent subconscious mind. This part of the brain provides access to a lifetime
of experience and wisdom that cannot possibly be held in the conscious mind,
which has only a limited capacity.
Past and present

One of the wonderful things about gardening is you don’t have to understand
fully the science of germination to grow precious blooms. The blueprint of a
flower exists within its seed. Once planted, it will reach out into the soil to find
the nutrients it needs. And, given optimum conditions, it will begin to unfurl.
Much like a gardener, the conscious mind plants seeds in the fertile soil of the
subconscious mind. What you think about and focus your attention on becomes
the blueprint for your possibilities. A fully formed goal or idea planted in this way
will reach into the recesses of past experiences while also taking advantage of
current favourable conditions to grow and thrive.
Fertile ground
Gardeners choose their seeds according to several considerations. They might opt
for sunflowers because their partner loves the bold, tousled heads, or tomatoes
because the scent of the plant’s leaves on the skin is intoxicating. They’ll also
consider the suitability of the climate and the soil. The efforts of the unconscious
mind are governed by a similar selection process. The reticular activating system
(RAS) is a net-like formation of nerve cells and connections in the brainstem. It
acts as a filter for all the bits of information flowing through the subconscious
mind at any one time and allows those messages that are currently important
to enter the cerebrum (the largest part of the brain that interprets the senses,
speech, reasoning and emotions). Think about a time when you were planning
a holiday and suddenly your eyes alighted on articles about your chosen
destination. This is the RAS in action, putting your priorities top of its list.
100

101

GREEN-FINGERED INSTINCTS
When you focus on goals by creating a clear idea of what you want and thinking
of them often, you engage the support of your powerful unconscious mind. For
example, if you’re focused on landing a new job, the RAS will include information
to help, perhaps by reminding you of contacts with relevant experience,
recognising opportunities that will support your goal or locating useful tools and
resources. Your conscious mind commands, and your subconscious mind obeys.
The reverse is also true. When you focus on potential problems, you’re more likely
to find them. Some people avoid dreaming of wonderful possibilities through a
fear of disappointment and having their hopes dashed. Often, they’ll also focus
on what could go wrong and mistakes they might make. In short, they’ll plant
seeds of doubt and fear that eventually edge out hopes and dreams.
Which seeds do you nurture most in your mind garden? Those you wish to grow,
or the ones you’d like to avoid? Record your thoughts here.
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
102

Consider what you want to change. Simply listen to your thoughts
and write down whatever comes to mind, without judgment.
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
103

Use the mind’s watering can
Experienced gardeners begin by taking stock of what’s already growing in their
patch. They’ll also check the soil and assess if extra nutrients are required
for specific plants. Humans, of course, are infinitely more complicated. Their
requirements involve a balance of health and fitness, fulfilling work, supportive
friends and family, hobbies and fun, as well as room for personal growth and
spirituality. If these are in place, the foliage and blooms will flourish.
One way of doing this is to use the Wheel of Life, an exercise developed in the
1960s by coaching expert Paul J Meyer.
104

WHEEL OF LIFE
Begin by asking yourself if the categories shown on the illustrated wheel on the
left reflect your personal criteria, and make a note of any you wish to change.
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
For each of the areas you have chosen, award a score from zero to 10. The aim isn’t
to get full marks on everything – you might feel happy about an area with a score of
eight – but to achieve a balanced wheel. List the areas and their scores here.
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
Looking back over your list and the scores, are there any areas that need
attention? Which will you choose to nurture first?
105

PICTURE THE PLANT YOU WANT TO GROW
It might sound obvious, but do you have a clear idea of what you want in any
particular area of your life? When you buy a pack of seeds, it has a comprehensive
picture of the plant’s characteristics, height and spread, as well as tips for
favourable growing conditions. When you plant seeds in the subconscious
mind, be equally clear about the picture on the packet. Wishing to run a thriving
business is not a blueprint for success. Go into the detail. Think about what it
means to you.
• What would it look and feel like?

• How would your day-to-day life pan out?
• How many employees would you hire?
• What would you pay them?
• How many clients would you need to make it viable?
The subconscious works in images and feelings – dream the details of your goals
and imagine being there. If you’d like to travel, consider where you’d like to go
and how long you’d prefer to be away. Map out your ultimate adventure plan.
What do you want to do?
��
��
��
��
��
What do you need to make it happen?
��
��
��
��
��
106

NURTURING THE FUTURE
The best way to plant a seed in the subconscious mind is by imagining the fully
grown plant and the wonderful feelings that will flow having reached your goal.
See what you would be seeing, hear what you would be hearing, feel what you
would be feeling. Explore your goal with all your senses.
Nourish your seed by thinking on it periodically. Focus on the results you want
and the positive feelings that will accompany them rather than how you will
achieve it. You wouldn’t keep digging up a plant that had sprouted. You’d tend
to it with water, give it the right light, and then hope. Trust that the seed you
planted knows how to grow. Take a similar approach with your goal.
How will you feel when your goal has been reached? Imagine all the positive
feelings and record them here.
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
Observation is key for gardening. Keep an

eye on changing conditions and adjust the
nutrients and light so that your sunflower
reaches its maximum height and displays its
brightest bloom.
107

The joy of newness
Doing things differently and experiencing once more that thrill of
childhood excitement can help fortify your psyche against adversity
It’s common, as adults, to hark back to the joys of childhood. Often the older we
get, the stronger the desire to feel childlike, when everything is fresh and worth
exploring. And for some, there’s more to this feeling than simply a case of looking
through rose-tinted glasses. In fact, it’s something that can be identified and
nurtured: the joy of newness.
There’s almost an arrogance as we get older and experience more. We wear our
experiences like medals: been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. And in doing
so, we put a stop to other similar experiences, as if nothing more can be explored
or learned. We quench our curiosity, we’re older and wiser – you can’t teach an
old dog new tricks. Our behaviour becomes our modus operandi. We become
predictable, and we walk on the road well-travelled. In short, we wilfully put a stop
to experiences. And yet, life is an adventure, if you wholly involve yourself in it.
Life without judgment

To obtain the fundamental trait of childhood, the joys of fresh experiences, we
need to be open to life without judgment. Some people subconsciously refrain
from new experiences as they get older, others chase them in a bid to try to re-create
that childlike intensity of experience. By placing yourself in a completely unknown
setting, it’s also possible to enjoy this feeling simply by doing things differently.
It seems strange that as we get older we look to childhood as a golden age and
yet we fail to adopt curiosity. Because of this, we limit ourselves and don’t get to
experience the joys of all things new. Curiosity is not child’s play. The world is
new. The more you learn, you soon realise how little you really know. It’s life’s
paradox. Make friends with the people you think you’ll never have anything
in common with. Swim in the sea if you always choose the pool. Escape to the
country if you always go on to the city. Read history if you always choose fiction.
Choose to walk instead of using the car. Choose life.
108

109

110

FRESH THRILLS
Excitement can be found in unexpected places.
1. New skills
Learning something new, especially if it’s hard, has a positive domino effect on
life. Play guitar, fix a car, cook a five-star meal – the moment you discover you can
do one tricky thing, you realise you can do another.
Things I would like to learn or revisit:
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
Achievements that have made me feel proud:
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
111

2. Helping hand
You don’t need to jump out of planes to feel a rush. Helping others can feel
exhilarating. There’s a wealth of community groups, organisations and charities
that run purely on the hard work of volunteers. Ask around for opportunities, look
online or inquire at your local church.
Who would you like to help?

How much time could you spare?

112

Skills you have that you could use to help others:

113

3. Novel idea
As a child, you might have enjoyed listening to a loved one read to you. Find
audiobooks of your favourite novels and experience the same joy as an adult.
Books I love:
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
Books on my wish list:
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
��
114

115

Natural flow
The Scaravelli-inspired style of yoga offers a refreshing approach
to the practice, one that works with the body rather than against
it, helping to build self-confidence and, in turn, resilience
Based on the classical hatha style, Scaravelli-inspired yoga is all about listening
to and working with the body. It has three key principles: paying attention
to the position and movement of the spine, connecting with the ground and
maintaining a rhythm of calm, natural breath. It is also a graceful way of moving
that is free of pulling and eschews pushing and forcing, almost mirroring its
principal teacher’s reluctance to have any style of yoga named after her (an
accolade given by her followers but one that didn’t sit easily with her).
116

A fresh perspective
Born in Florence, Italy, Vanda Scaravelli came to yoga relatively late – she was in
her 40s when she began practising – but it quickly became an integral part of her
life and remained so until her death, aged 91, in 1999. She was fortunate to be
taught by B K S. Iyengar and T K V Desikachar, widely considered to be two of the
great Indian masters of yoga, and went on to combine the former’s anatomical
precision with the latter’s emphasis on breathwork. From here, she developed her
own way of working, using the breath and gravity to free the spine.
Her focus on the spine starts from its physical centre, from which she
described a two-way lengthening. The first is downwards, from the waist to
the feet, connecting with the ground through gravity. The second is upwards,
through the top of the head towards the sky, creating a sense of lightness and
freedom in the upper part of the body. For Scaravelli, tuning the attention into
the spine, its position, form and subtle movements, shows respect for its delicate,
intricate structure, and enables it to come alive.
This renewed vitality of the spine brought improved quality of breathing, with
more space created within the lungs and diaphragm, allowing full expansion. And
the effects extended beyond the physical because calm, deep and natural breathing
created a ripple effect that quieted the mind by activating the parasympathetic
nervous system. To achieve this, Scaravelli suggested breathing naturally, without
forcing: ‘No pressure, no disturbance, nothing should interfere with the simple,
tide-like movement of our lungs as we breathe in and out.’
117

Permission to experiment
Helen Noakes follows Scaravelli’s principles. She has taught the Italian’s style
of yoga for almost 20 years and trains other teachers how to teach as well as to
use it to complement their practice. Helen experimented with myriad forms for
many years before discovering that Scaravelli’s teachings matched her own love
of primal movement. ‘I was intrigued by the permission given to experiment
and explore my own body,’ she says. ‘I experienced a real softness, which kept my
interest, helping me to re-centre, re-balance and re-energise. My body started to
change rapidly, becoming softer and more pliable.’
The movements and principles in Scaravelli-inspired yoga could be compared
to a very young child, playfully springing, spinning and rolling in the way
nature intended, simultaneously instinctive and primal. And because the
practitioner works within the limits of their own body, it’s accessible to
anyone, regardless of previous yoga experience or current fitness levels. There
is an encouragement to explore and feel the way into a position rather than
worrying about how it should look.
Making a body connection

‘You learn to move from the basics,’ says Helen, ‘so you build good foundations
for moving into other positions with your body feeling safe and grounded.’
What’s being offered is a framework for regaining familiarity with the body
and its movement patterns, which can lead to a solid basis for learning self-
acceptance and body confidence. It’s a world away from a prescriptive set of
postures and sequences. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. The micro-movements
and repetition involved can be challenging because many of the benefits are
achieved through slow, mindful exploration of moving in and out of a position.
A session might, for example, focus on only one posture by approaching it in
different ways, so a practitioner might explore the classic adho mukha svanasana
or downward-facing dog by kneeling and moving into position from the ground
up or rolling down from standing until the hands connect with the ground.
In this way, creativity and curiosity are encouraged, as is observation, as the
practitioner tunes in to how body and mind responds to the movements. And,
with practice and increased awareness, even a single posture can engage the
whole body, working with what you have to encourage experiences that are both
liberating and revelatory.
118

FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT
On the next page, you’ll find a sequence exploring the intricacies of adho mukha
savasana. Move slowly through the practice, pausing regularly to notice your
body’s response. Think about these three principles:
1. Spine – notice the sensations of vibrancy and energy.

2. Ground – become aware of how your body connects with the earth.
3. Breath – maintain a rhythm of calm, natural breathing.
TOP TIPS
•
Keep the knees as bent as is necessary to maintain length in the
spine. Do not force the heels to touch the ground.
•
Don’t be tempted to aim for the so-called perfect inverted-V
shape that some styles describe – this is your dog, and it’s
beautiful just the way it is.
•
Feel free to play by walking the dog, alternately pressing one heel
towards the ground while bending the knee on the same side,
and doing the same motions with the opposite heel and knee.
•
Experiment and explore moving between the positions – making
any other movements that feel natural, perhaps walking the
hands closer to the feet and alternating between rolling the body
up and down.
•
Make the transitions as smooth as possible, asking yourself: ‘How
can I move in the kindest way?’
•
Take some time to lie still in savasana (relaxation pose), allowing
your body and mind a period of complete rest and to absorb the
benefits of your practice.
119

Tadasana
Beginning in tadasana or mountain pose (stand with the base of your big toes
touching, heels slightly apart). Lift and spread your toes and the balls of your
feet, then relax them back down. Scan your attention upwards through the body,
noticing a softening across the ankles and knees. Become aware of the pelvic area
– centred and stabilised above the feet. Visualise the spine elongating to create
that magical sense of lightness in the upper body.

Uttanasana
From this strong, stable base, gently roll down to uttanasana (standing forward
bend), with the hips aligned above the heels and knees remaining soft. Allow the
arms to unfold down and away from the body; your hands might reach the floor,
if not, allow them to fall freely, or to rest on the shins.
121

Bidalasana
From here, ease the body down towards the ground to an all-fours position –
bidalasana or cat pose – with the hips aligned above the knees, shoulders aligned
above the hands, the palms alive and active, and toes tucked (use some padding
if this is uncomfortable for the knees). Visualise the spine as a golden thread that
extends from the tip of the tailbone through to the crown of the head.
122

Adho Mukha Savasana
Gradually draw the hips back towards the heels, at the same time moving with
the intention of descending the heels towards the ground. Notice the knees
beginning to lift up and away from the ground. Feel a sense of lightness in the
hips as they follow and lift towards the sky as your body reaches adho mukha
savasana – downward-facing dog.
Take care to move within the limits of your body and stop if you experience any pain.
Seek advice from a medical professional if you’re unsure if yoga is right for you.

Let loose
Do you ever struggle to quiet your busy mind? Dynamic
meditation could be the perfect alternative to silent reflection.
Meditation can be a powerful tool for people experiencing stress and anxiety. But
for some, silent methods only serve as a megaphone to those unwanted and often
overwhelming thoughts. For others, it’s boring, frustrating and fails to allow for
differences in attention span.
Dynamic meditation turns the traditional, passive discipline on its head.
Instead, it uses a range of active movements and techniques to release pent-up
energy and emotions inside the body and mind. Created in the 1970s by mystic
guru Osho, the approach takes the distractions of modern life into account and
is geared towards those who find it tricky to focus.
Here, certified Osho Active Meditation facilitator Swaram, explains more
about the powerful method, how you can re-create a typical class at home and
why it’s ideal for people who love to let loose.
124

What is dynamic meditation?
It’s a full-body experience that uses a sequence of techniques to release built-up
stresses in the body and mind. Fast, intense and thorough, the method is used to
break old, ingrained patterns, and often appeals to people who think they cannot
meditate and sit silently – those who have hyperactive minds and find it difficult
to relax. A typical class lasts one hour and has five stages. Each one focuses on
a different discipline and guides people through chaotic breathing, shouting,
jumping, freezing, dancing and a whole lot more.
How is it different from its traditional, silent counterpart?

Unlike the better-known style of meditation, which relies on stillness and focus,
the energetic method encourages sporadic movement and spontaneous sound,
resulting in people literally dancing their problems away. Traditional, silent
meditation uses static techniques and normally requires people to focus on an
object of observation. Dynamic meditation is based on the understanding that
the body needs movement – energy needs to be expressed and emotions need to
be released – before attempting to sit quietly and meditate.
125

What are the benefits?
The breathing technique in dynamic meditation is particularly helpful in
expanding lung capacity. It activates the intercostal muscles and expels stale
air from the lower parts of the lungs. Also, deep and fast breathing changes the
ratio of oxygen and carbon dioxide within the blood, which helps to detoxify and
purify the body and mind.
Jumping on the spot, meanwhile, is a great way to improve cardiovascular
health. It’s a powerful detoxifying and immune-boosting activity because it
stimulates the lymphatic system, which is responsible for the transportation
of immune cells throughout the body. Jumping enhances the body’s electricity.
Cell membranes are sensitive to vibration and pressure. By jumping, the shock
reverberates the cell membranes, stimulating the production of bioelectricity.
Not only does chaotic breathwork and exercise help you feel instantly
re-energised, the emotional release involved in dynamic meditation can be
hugely cleansing, too. Letting negativity out of the system through sounds and
body movement has healing effects. Once the mind is unburdened by the load of
toxic emotions and thoughts, it will naturally create space for fresh energy and
bring a new positive charge to the system.
126

THE FIVE STAGES OF
DYNAMIC MEDITATION
For a taste of dynamic meditation, try this exercise.
1. Breathe – 10 minutes
Breathe chaotically through the nose. The breathing has to be
intense, deep, fast, without rhythm and with no pattern. The breath
should move deeply into the lungs.
2. Explode – 10 minutes
Let go of everything that needs to be thrown out. Give your body
freedom to express whatever is there. Scream, shout, cry, jump,
kick, shake, dance, sing, laugh – throw yourself around. Hold
nothing back and keep your whole body moving. A little acting
often helps to get you started.
3. Jump – 10 minutes
With arms raised high above your head, jump up and down shouting
the mantra ‘Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!’ as deeply as possible. Each time you
land, on the flats of your feet, let the sound hammer deep into you.
4. Stop – 15 minutes
Freeze wherever you are, in whatever position you find yourself.
Don’t arrange the body in any way. A cough, a movement – anything
– will dissipate the energy flow, and the effort will be lost. Be a
witness to everything that is happening to you.
5. Celebrate – 15 minutes
With music and dance, express whatever is there. Celebrate, feel
grateful and carry your aliveness with you throughout the day.
127

Breathe
and make time for yourself
BREATHE is a trademark of Guild of Master Craftsman Publications Ltd
First published 2021 by

Ammonite Press
an imprint of Guild of Master Craftsman Publications Ltd
Castle Place, 166 High Street, Lewes, East Sussex BN7 1XU, United Kingdom
www.ammonitepress.com
www.breathemagazine.com
Copyright in the Work © GMC Publications Ltd, 2021
Compiled by Susie Duff

Editorial: Catherine Kielthy, Jane Roe
Words credits: Lizzie Bestow, Claire Blackmore, Charlotte Booth, Kerry Dolan, Malachy Dunne,
Christine Fieldhouse, Yvonne Gavan, Eveline Lonoce, Tanyel Mustafa, Kate Orson, Simone Scott,
Kiran Sidhu, Gabrielle Treanor, Kristy Vail
Illustrations: Louise Billyard, Nicola Ferrarese, Katerina Gorelik, Chiara Lanzieri, Vanessa Lovegrove,
Cait Mack, Irina Perju, Silvia Stecher, Sirin Thada, Sara Thielker, Michelle Urra
Cover illustration: Xuan Loc Xuan
ISBN 978-1-78145-456-5
All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form
or by any means (including electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without prior
written permission from the publisher.
The publishers can accept no legal responsibility for any consequences arising from the application of
information, advice or instructions given in this publication.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Breathe Magazine
Publisher: Jonathan Grogan
Colour reproduction by GMC Reprographics

Printed and bound in China

Untitled-1 3 22/11/2022 15:58
Untitled-1 3 22/11/2022 15:58
Untitled-1 3 22/11/2022 15:58
Resilience
JOURNAL
Building resilience is about learning how to survive and

thrive in stressful situations. That doesn’t only mean
being able to tough it out when times are difficult. It
means feeling mentally strong, ready to seek out and
embrace challenging experiences and recognising them
as a chance to grow and shine.
This Breathe Resilience Journal is your psychological

toolkit. Filled with simple exercises, prompts and
inspirational quotes, it’s here to help you find ways to
relax and de-stress, set life goals and move towards them
and see the world in a positive light. Believing in your
abilities, recovering after setbacks and taking care of
your needs: these behaviours are the pillars of resilience
and they can be learned and developed.
£12.99
ISBN: 978-1-78145-456-5
9 781781 454565 >

www.ammonitepress.com
Untitled-1 2 22/11/2022 15:57

Breathe Resilience Journal

Uploaded by

Document Information

Original Description:

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

Breathe Resilience Journal

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

Resilience

Untitled-1 1 22/11/2022 15:57

Journal_Resilience_Prelims SD_UK.indd 1 17/06/2021 11:45

Journal_Resilience_Prelims SD_UK.indd 3 09/06/2021 10:16

Of course, stressful situations and how you react to them are in

Filled with inspirational quotes and beautiful illustrations, it can

Journal_Resilience_Prelims SD_UK.indd 5 09/06/2021 10:16

It’s okay to struggle 12

What did you expect? 20

Attractive in your own skin 26

The gentle art of getting it wrong 40

The art of synchronicity 57

Trusting your gut 70

With your permission 77

When your most isn’t enough 92

Garden of the mind 100

The joy of newness 108

Natural flow 116

Let loose 124

Journal_Resilience_Prelims SD_UK.indd 7 09/06/2021 10:16

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 8 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 9 09/06/2021 10:17

3. Step outside your comfort zone

4. Take control of what you can

5. Take care of yourself

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 10 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 11 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 12 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 13 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 14 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 15 09/06/2021 10:17

2. See the bigger picture

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 16 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 17 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 18 16/06/2021 11:09

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 19 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 20 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 21 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 22 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 23 09/06/2021 10:17

Your lunchtime sandwich isn’t as tasty as expected.

Within minutes of meeting your date, you realise that the

You settle down to meditate but ﬁnd it impossible

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 24 09/06/2021 10:17

• Notice when you are becoming stressed because your experience

• Anticipating the future can be beneficial. It can increase your

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 26 09/06/2021 10:17

• Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed for  minutes

• Place your palms on your thighs, resting them comfortably.

• Focus on your breathing as the thoughts and voices in your mind

• You’re ready to go on with your day.

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 27 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 28 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 29 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 30 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 31 09/06/2021 10:17

1. The need to be loved

What makes you feel loved?

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 32 09/06/2021 10:17

List your ideas here.

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 33 09/06/2021 10:17

Journal_Resilience_Pages SD_UK.indd 34 09/06/2021 10:17

Who will you speak to about positive feedback?