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Alicia Burket

Professor Smyrl

ESL 117A.2550

10/11/23

Gender Identities Are A Social Construct

Navigating through my childhood I had always disowned my femininity. Maybe it had to

do with the lack of a mother or the majority of my family being male but either way I refused to

wear skirts unless you fought me into them and I preferred to play sports with boys. My

femininity was the least of my fears though as I wondered how my family would react to the idea

that my tomboyish ways were here to stay as I grew into the strong and independent women they

like to praise me for being. I had never felt comfortable in my skin when someone would point

out all the aspects of me that made me a “woman” and my connection with men weakened as I

came to terms with my queerness. My father is of an older generation and though his age is no

excuse he holds some traditional mindsets when it comes to what makes a man and a woman and

if you were anything else you simply weren’t (to him). You could imagine my anxiety when I

came out to my inner family, the fear had me by the throat so tight that my aunt had to break the

news to my dad for me and in turn he blamed his absence in my childhood for me being gay. The

truth is, I’ve always been this way and even my aunt knew long before I told her and I still

question what gave it away – maybe it was my wardrobe, or the fact I played house with my girl

neighbor and declared us both as the “moms”. It took a long time for my dad to accept the fact

that I like women but I know he still has his beliefs no matter how much time passes.

My fathers beliefs on gender lie on the right-wing side of the social hierarchy where

there are only two genders and any non-conformity is seen as a sin. Society has conceived a
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negative image of the LGBTQ+ community and gender nonconforming people and the terms

male and female have governed the way gender is viewed for centuries. There's more to the term

gender then just male and female – gender can be confusing, it can be whatever we make it

because at the end of the day it’s our decision and the social construct of male and female being

the only options is becoming outdated. Throughout history there has always been the same

strong and dominant male and the dependent and weak female and there has never been an in

between until recent years where the possibility to be more than just a man or woman became

widely accepted as more people broke free from the confinements of their socially constructed

closet. The strive for equality has created a multitude of movements that have given voting rights

to women, access to marriage for the LGBTQ+ community, trans inclusive bathrooms, and more

to come but society still tries to fight back as the fear of change has a chokehold on those who

have a conservative and closed mindset. It’s argued that all of these things are considered basic

human rights and the thought of taking them away is dehumanizing, society wants to go back to

“old ways” where the women served the men and being cisgender was the “right” was and

anything remotely considered “gay” was shunned. It’s became normal for media to be banned

from schools that promote things such as gay parents or a trans kid being the hero in their story

and it’s all to do the prejudice built around fear – a fear that will be passed down to new

generations as society repeats it’s cycle of making other people the villain in this centuries old

society. The way that femininity and masculinity is promoted in today's society is constructed

around the ideas of people who have long been dead, and the lack of “othered” people being

involved in that original narrative have created the false sense of correctness when it comes to

male and female being the only “right” answer. Therefore it’s important to view how femininity,
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masculinity, and gender nonconforming people are viewed and how they navigate life in this

century and the centuries to come.

There have been many young girls, like myself, that have struggled with their own

identity – most disowning their femininity in a world where men are able to get away with

whatever they wish because of their dominant status. Jamaica Kincaid talks about slut shaming

in her short story “Girl” and how not following historical expectations of a woman will make

you seem like a slut. In a world dominated by men it’s unfortunate that the way women act are

controlled by how they might be viewed and Kincaid says “This is how to behave in the presence

of men who don’t know you very well, and this way they won’t recognize immediately the slut I

have warned you against becoming” (470). Aaron Devor talks about femininity in “Becoming

Members of Society” and how females are dependent on men in mainstream North American

society, “It is popularly believed that the social position of females is a ‘natural’ dependency on

men for the maintenance of mother-child units. Thus the goals of femininity and, by implication,

of all biological females are presumed to revolve around heterosexuality and maternity” (476).

Amy Cunnigham brings up in her story “Why Women Smile” that the sincerity of a smile can

determine the outcome of a woman's success in the world and with herself. Cunningham

mentions “If a woman's smile were truly her own, to be smiled or not, according to how the

woman felt, rather than according to what someone else needed, she would smile more

spontaneously, without ulterior, hidden motives” (176). Women are seen as someone that should

conform to the society that is dominated by men and that everything they do needs to please

them or they run the risk of being outcasted or burned on a metaphorical stake where they are

belittled and slut shamed for simply being anything other then what men want them to be.
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Men have always been the dominant persona in history, they’ve always wanted a specific

outcome for events and expected certain behaviors from those they saw as being below them.

Devor brings up in “Becoming Members of Society” about how society is structured off of

masculinity “In patriarchally organized societies, masculine values become the ideological

structure of the society as a whole. Masculinity thus becomes ‘innately’ valuable and femininity

serves...to delineate and magnify the hierarchical dominance of masculinity” (478). There is a

significant difference in how boys and girls were raised historically and presently and the

segregation of emotions and responsibilities isn’t the best for the growth of their personality and

mental stability. In Tony Porter's Ted Talk “A Call to Men” he goes over a list of things from his

own childhood upbringing to his children's upbringing and how he experienced and enforced the

difference of emotions being expressed. Porter talks about his daughter first “she would get on

my knee, she would snot my sleeve up, just cry, cry it out. Daddy's got you. That's all that's

important” (1:57). Then he talks about how his son ran to him crying “Sit down, get yourself

together and come back and talk to me when you can talk to me like a man” (2:48). He

reinforced the ideas and beliefs that it was ok for girls to cry and show emotions while boys had

to be tough and cold – no emotions whatsoever, but this doesn’t erase their emotions completely,

they just regress and lay dormant until they come exploding out. Aya Deleon talks about men's

emotions in her short poem “Sensitive Guys” and how they hide them from society. Deleon says

“...because even those emotionally monochromatic sexually aggressive bad boy types are just

sensitive guys waiting to happen, as soon as we make this society kind enough for them to be

themselves”. We’ve built a society where men don’t feel safe or comfortable in sharing their

emotions in fear of being looked down upon. Masculinity and being a “man” is what society
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believes is the superior aspect of every social structure and everyone that doesn’t fall into the

male category is seen as inferior.

Gender fluidity is something rather confusing for cisgender people as those who don’t

identify with femininity or masculinity aren’t under a label that society is familiar or relatively

comfortable with. Devor claims “In some cases, cross-gender behaviors are ignored by

observers, and therefore do not compromise the integrity of a person’s gender display. In other

cases, they are labeled as inappropriate gender role behaviors” (475) and it shows how people

will turn a blind eye to someone's gender and sexuality. Gender and sexuality have always been

seen as a sore subject in past years but now we’re in a time where acceptability is wider than

before but there are still large groups of people who don’t want to believe “others” (trans,

LGBTQ+, they’s/them’s, ect.) are apart of their society. In Roxane Gay’s short story “A Tale of

Three Coming Out Stories” she talks about a variety of things from the need for privacy and how

society needs to label everything and she even talks about the privilege that some gay people

have. Gay states “It’s a problem, though, that there is a right kind of gay, that there are LGBT

people who are warmly encouraged to step out of the closet while others who don't fit certain

parameters go largely ignored” (182). Despite how othering those a part of the LGBTQ+

community might feel there is a distinct privilege that those who don’t get beat or disowned by

society. A lot of times people will even ignore what a person's preference is so that they can

uphold the image of the group the person is trying to identify with. When expressing your gender

and partner preferences there are a number of ways your family can feel and Deborah Blum

brings up one way in“The Gender Blur” and that feeling is Guilt. Blum states “Once you get past

the guilt part–Did I do this? Should I have bought him that plastic allosaur with the oversized

teeth?” (454) and it shows that the mother felt guilt in the beginning when her child was
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behaving in a way that she didn’t want him to behave in. That’s similar to how my father had

reacted to when I had come out, he was convinced that his absence in my life due to his work

was what caused me to like women – he believed that he had done this and he felt guilty over me

not being hetero (but eventually he did come around).

There have been a lot of ups and downs throughout society and unfortunately it can bring

some hardships to your relationship with your parents, especially when they have such different

views than you on topics. I have a strong connection with my father but my connection to

myself, my identity and my beliefs is stronger as I go head to head with him on things until he

learns that my mind won't change and with the same stubbornness he won't change his and

instead he will keep his mouth shut – which is ironic as he submits by not picking a fight with

me when he believes it should be the women that submit instead. Going into the real world,

becoming a part of society you have to learn to have an open mind to the beliefs of those around

you, even if they challenge your own. Life is too short to hate people for being themselves, you

have to go about your days like it could possibly be your last, which is why it’s so important to

be loving and accepting of everyone no matter their label – even if you don’t agree with it, they

are still human and deserve to be loved unconditionally. It might take years, decades or maybe

even centuries for there to be true equality where anyone can be labeled with their true identity

and the labels of male and female won’t hold so much power of the construct that society has

created about gender. It took my father a long time to come to terms with me, possibly bringing a

girl home one day to meet him, and it took him even longer for him to start meddling in my love

life with “do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend yet?” and even if he does hold out hope that I

could still bring a man home, which could happen as I haven’t fully sworn them off, he has

opened his mind and heart that I could find love in someone other than a man. The terms female
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and male are nothing more than a label society created so that they can be involved in everyone's

business while upholding the hierarchy of traditional roles. This is what I have learned from

Devor and his claims and it further supports the way I view societies relationship with gender

and identity as a whole.