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LIFESTYLE

Is it okay to sleep with

several people at once
without telling them?
VIEW COMMENTS

Just another notch on the bedpost? Playing the field in this town can have
its pitfalls, as our columnist explains

By Nirpal Dhaliwal Esther Walker

26 May 2009

T hey are candid, provocative - and totally at

odds with each other. Our resident
'sexperts' Nirpal Dhaliwal and Esther
Walker offer conflicting advice on Londoners'
sexual dilemmas...

Question:- I'm single and dating. Is it OK to

sleep with several people at once without
telling them? I can't see I'm doing any harm
but my monogamous friends say otherwise?

Nirpal says

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Juggling partners is the craze that's taken

London by storm. Every thirtysomething
singleton in town is screwing around in a mad
last hurrah, hoping to sow those final wild oats
before they decide to settle down.

A combination of laissez-faire sexual morality,

internet dating and a plethora of
commitmentphobes still stinging from their
last relationship and wanting some casual fun
in order to forget has made being single in
London akin to being present at the last days
of Sodom and Gomorrah.

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But there's nothing immoral about sleeping

with several people at once, provided none of
them has been given the impression they're in
a monogamous situation. You don't have to
tell them that you're handing it out like candy,
either.

In fact, you shouldn't, because it will only

make the people you're dating feel worthless -
especially if they're not getting as much as
action as you are. But the chances are they're
getting just as much, if not more.

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The unspoken rule of modern dating is that

until you've had that conversation in which
you've both explicitly agreed to be exclusive,
you are perfectly free to date and sleep with
other people. It is a strictly don't-ask-don't-tell
policy.

Men should bear in mind, however, that

women will still feign outrage if they find out
you're seeing someone else, even if they've
entertained more men of late than
Manchester United have all season.

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Sleeping around gives you added confidence

in your dating life: you know that you're
desirable and that there are plenty of fish in
the sea, which stops you putting too much
pressure on your relationships to succeed.

On the downside, you risk becoming so jaded

by casual sex that you can't appreciate a good
thing when you get one. No one has a palate
for gourmet cuisine if they've been gorging on
junk beforehand.

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In the long run, it's easier to be monogamous

when you realise that promiscuity is just as
boring.

And you'll have a much more realistic attitude

towards relationships having sampled a broad
range of what's out there and knowing which
qualities really matter to you.

Your monogamous friends will always feel

envious of your tales of wild sex with hot
strangers, but as long as you're being true to
yourself and not lying to anyone else you have
nothing to be ashamed of.

Esther says

Of course it's not OK. These are people with

feelings, they're not shoes. You might justify
things by saying that you wouldn't mind if
someone did the same thing to you, but you
ought to mind.

Forget about the moral implications for a

minute and consider the potential pitfalls.
Everywhere in London there is someone who
knows someone who knows you. Imagine the
scene:

Sally: "I'm so exhausted. I was up all night

with Dan."

Mary: "Dan? I thought he was going out with

Clare."
Sally: "What?!?"

Bob: "Are we talking about 'Dirty' Dan? Ha ha.

Not you as well, Sal?!"

Sally: "Excuse me, I've just got to make a

phone call."

I'm also curious about what you think you will

get out of this soggy arrangement. If you
consider sex to be a thing of so little
consequence that it's all right to spread it
around, then why bother doing it at all?

If what you enjoy is deceit and get a thrill out

of having sex with a lot of different people,
with only hours separating each act, then
that's fine.

I'd say something about chlamydia and angry

ex-lovers, but I can only assume you've
already got an STD clinic and a solicitor on
speed dial.

If you think you're going to come out of this

mess with a meaningful relationship, then you
are wrong. So wrong.

If you end up with one of these people, you'll

spend your life breaking out into cold sweats
whenever they come close to discovering
what a dog you were.

Sleeping around and being open about it is

different, although I feel very sorry for the
self-hating little shell of a person who would
agree to be part of your harem.

Even those with self-esteem points in minus

figures will, eventually, start getting itchy for a
bit of commitment and leave increasingly
shrill "Where are you?" voicemails.

Anyway, you know what you're doing is

wrong. The very fact that you want to keep it
all a secret shows that you know perfectly well
that if you were honest, your blissful circle of
ignorant lovers would disappear in disgust,
leaving you with a couple of sex-crazed, bug-
eyed nutters.

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