INTRODUCTION

STRONG-WILLED KIDS MANUAL

A large portion of parents who contact me about parenting problems

attribute their problems to their children being stubborn. When I’ve asked
them what they have done so far to remedy the situation, they list all
sorts of things. From bribery and discipline to threats and yelling. They
tell me they’ve “tried everything”.

“My daughter is the most problematic, she doesn’t let go of her wishes
easily. Nothing helps, not kind words, not threats. She’s persistently
trying to manipulate me (crying, stubbornness, she turns everything
around, just to get her way) and laughs at me when I tell her off (not
always), which of course makes me even angrier.

And none of this has so far produced tangible results. Why? Is your child
broken? Is it literally “impossible”? Are you a bad parent?

No, of course, it isn’t. And of course, you aren’t.

Stubborn children need a different, more sensible approach, than

children, who might not be as strong-willed.

In order to turn over a new leaf and approach parenting a stubborn child
differently, you first need to eliminate what’s not working. With
stubborn children, in particular, there are certain techniques that are
completely counterproductive and lead to more meltdowns and sulking.
I decided to compile the most common mistakes in this e-book.

On the next pages, you will find 5 of the biggest mistakes parents make
when raising stubborn children. They will help you become aware of your
patterns and parenting and replace them with better and more effective
methods.

Read them carefully. Share them with friends. And most importantly, use
them!

- Marko Juhant
 CONTENTS
STRONG-WILLED KIDS MANUAL

MISTAKE #1
Rushing and forcing ������������������������������������������������������������������������������ 3
MISTAKE #2
Lecturing amidst an anger fit���������������������������������������������������������������� 5
MISTAKE #3
Using yelling as a disciplinary action���������������������������������������������������� 6
MISTAKE #4
Using threats as a disciplinary measure ���������������������������������������������� 8
MISTAKE #5
Do not de-master a strong-willed child������������������������������������������������10
 3
MISTAKE #1
STRONG-WILLED KIDS MANUAL

RUSHING AND FORCING

Rushing is a symptom of modern life. Everyone is always rushing
somewhere, we are always in a hurry, we are always running out of time
and everyone is always busy doing something. Calendars are filled with
extracurricular activities, work commitments, family events ...

And of course, we have to attend all these commitments no matter what.

They are all extremely important.

You could say many families are living a schedule instead of a life.

Rushing is one of those things that make your children go crazy. And
most families are in a rush every morning to get their kids to school on
time. I always have a mom who will tell me something like: “What am I
supposed to do? It’s a complete circus every morning at our house.”

What does your morning look like? Maybe your child’s alarm clock rings,
and you peek into their room reminding them to get up. 5 minutes later
you remind them it’s time to wake up. Then again 10 minutes later. Then
at the last minute, you have to go and force them out of bed or they’ll be
late?

20 minutes before you’re supposed to leave, you panic and start raising
your voice, saying they are late again and that you won’t get to work on
time because of them… Then you force them to eat breakfast, which you
haven’t eaten yourself, and you know they won’t want it ...

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you have to eat it, or
you’ll be hungry later, and you’ll have no energy. What do you want? You
have to eat something! Come on, we’re all waiting for you, so we can get
to kindergarten and work!”
 4
After breakfast, the circus continues, as you try to get your child dressed
as fast as possible.
STRONG-WILLED KIDS MANUAL

“Give me the sleeve, here put your arm in there and your head through
there, come on, work with me here, stop moving so much, hurry up
because we’re late! Gosh, you do this every morning, why can’t you just
help me get you dressed for once, so we can leave on time for once?”

Yes, this is what a morning that ends in hysterical crying looks like.
You’re carrying a screaming child with one shoe on in one hand and your
purse and the other shoe in your other hand. As you’re throwing all the
things in your car, you’re hoping this time you won’t be so late and that
your boss won’t notice.

This way it’s no wonder you end up feeling tired, fed up and irritated
before 8 am.

But it’s actually much more simple. It’s rare that all family members get
up on time, get ready for the day, eat breakfast together and then a child
has a tantrum fit out of the blue, two minutes before leaving.

Rushing your child from the minute they open their eyes until you leave
the house makes you increasingly more nervous, and your child less keen
on listening to you and following instructions. They also get fed up with
your rushing and nagging.

Stubborn adults can probably sympathise with this. The more you are
forced to do something, the less you’ll want to do it. Especially if it’s
something you could have otherwise done slowly and in peace.
 5
MISTAKE #2
STRONG-WILLED KIDS MANUAL

LECTURING AMIDST AN ANGER FIT

One of the biggest mistakes you can do when raising a strong-willed child
is to try to lecture them in the middle of a fit.

“She can’t hear us in that moment, no matter what we say she doesn’t
calm down, you can’t even talk to her.”

Never try to talk sense into your child when they are having a tantrum,
or when they are breaking down crying.

This is like telling a drunk alcoholic to stop drinking. He won’t listen to

you, and it’s definitely not the right time for this conversation. He’s not
receptive to any advice.

Your child is overwhelmed by emotion that they can’t listen to you or

even understand what you are trying to tell them.

Whatever answer they give you, it will be out of anger and stress. Even
if they don’t mean it, they could still insult you, say something rude,
scream even louder, or throw themselves on the ground.

It is important not to react to their statements in those moments,

and not to take them to heart. Otherwise, you will become frustrated
and angry, you will raise your voice, and the scene will now include a
screaming mom or dad as well as a screaming child.

If, in the middle of a tantrum, your child accepts your touch, like a hug,
that’s a major win. There will be time for discussion and reflection after
they have calmed down.
 6
MISTAKE #3
STRONG-WILLED KIDS MANUAL

USING YELLING AS A DISCIPLINARY ACTION

Yelling is one of the most common and least helpful disciplinary
measures. I know that many of you are aware of this.

You don’t do it because you love to yell day in and day out. You start
raising your voice when nothing else seems to work. It’s an escape route.

But because parents of stubborn children often end up tense, desperate

and stumped about what to do next, yelling becomes part of everyday
life.

“I warn them calmly at first. But after they repeatedly disobey me, I get
angry and raise my voice, yell, achieve nothing and feel bad about what
I have done.”

In some cases, it works. In that moment you achieve what you wanted.
You’ve frightened or subdued your child enough for them to listen to you.

Still, parents don’t like to yell. It causes guilt. You’re looking for an
alternative to this loud and obnoxious measure. Why?

“I feel helpless. I’m screaming all the time and going crazy because my
kids don’t listen to me.”

Because it’s simply NOT effective. You don’t teach your child anything by
yelling. It only makes you feel bad.

Just because you’re yelling about their shoes being all over the place,
doesn’t mean that they will be put away tomorrow. It’s more likely
you will have to yell tomorrow too. It also doesn’t mean that by yelling
because of sneakers, they will put their gym bag away next time.
 7
What you have yelled will not carry over to other areas of life or very far
into the future. It is a very short-lived and ineffective measure.
STRONG-WILLED KIDS MANUAL

Very soon you realise that you are in a vicious circle where you have to
raise your voice for every single thing, and even louder, each time.

And you don’t want to bring up a child with constant yelling, scaring
and subjugation. Such an atmosphere can’t foster a close and loving
relationship or the introduction of new and better behaviour patterns.

Whatever you have achieved, you’ve achieved only because you have
subjugated your child. Because you said so or yelled so. Not because you
have actually changed their behaviour permanently.

Moreover, you are setting a terrible example for your child. You are
showing them that yelling in stressful situations and during arguments is
normal and a good way to solve problems, which we all know is not true.

You probably don’t want them to start raising their voice and yelling at
other people when they are in the middle of a dispute or disagreement.
If it is not acceptable between adults, why should it be between an adult
and a child?
 8
MISTAKE #4
STRONG-WILLED KIDS MANUAL

USING THREATS AS A DISCIPLINARY

MEASURE
A threat can be an effective measure to get what you want, or it can
backfire.

“Often times I have to get angry and threaten him with a punishment to
get him to do his chores or stop misbehaving. I think he doesn’t listen on
purpose, just to make me mad.”

Threats can encourage your child to continue to defy you and misbehave
in order to prove they can stand up to an adult. They won’t just defy you,
they will defy everyone, because they’ve learned that it works.

Stubborn children love to defy and test limits. Trust me, you don’t want
to get involved in a game of “who’s stronger” with a stubborn child
because this dynamic will only be reinforced with your threats, and it
won’t do anything good in the long run. On the contrary, it will only cause
you more trouble.

“If they don’t want to put their things away, it helps if I threaten them I’ll
take their toys and throw them away. But with Hannah, the middle one,
not even that does it anymore. She just starts laughing at me.”

The worst thing you can do is to swear you will do something really bad
when your child doesn’t listen and then not have the heart to do it. Have
you heard of the expression “a promise made is a promise kept”?
 9
If you don’t follow through with your threats, a whole new world of
opportunities for disobedience and blackmail will open up for your
stubborn child. You are letting them know they are never going to face
STRONG-WILLED KIDS MANUAL

actual consequences for their actions. That your threats are empty and
that you won’t carry them out.

This can lead to even more extreme behaviour.

“My son mostly obeys, but my daughter knows that she will talk me out
of it, or that my ‘threats’ will be softened in a few hours. In other words -
they walk all over me. “

I therefore advise you to drop the threats altogether, because they will
bring you even more problems.

If you do use them, think very carefully about whether they are
appropriate for your child’s action and whether you are really ready to do
as you say. If you said you were going to throw a toy in the bin, do it!
10
MISTAKE #5
STRONG-WILLED KIDS MANUAL

DO NOT DE-MASTER A STRONG-WILLED

CHILD
All children, especially the stubborn ones, have to become masters at
something by the age of 12.

What does this mean for the child? They become good at something they
can be proud of. Something that brings value to the society and to drive
satisfaction from.

The first thing you’ll achieve by doing this is a kind of vicious cycle. But in
a good way.

For a child to become a master of something, they have to work for it.
They have to be persistent, consistent, keep trying and not give up, when
it gets tough.

Who could be more successful than a stubborn child who has a strong
will, that never dies out. The one who wants to prove to themselves and
everybody around they can do it, that they are the best in something.

Such a child will masterfully channel their stubbornness into something

good. Something that will bring them positive things in the long run.

The other thing you gain from this is that this will make it special among
their peers. It will be their trademark, what they are recognised for.

You also know a classmate who plays football well. Even if you don’t
know his name. Or a classmate who plays the piano very well. You are
also not sure of her name, but you recognise her by her mastery.
11
Let’s say you have a 12-year-old daughter, who isn’t a master of anything
- she can’t cook, draw, or sing … she spends a lot of time on her phone
taking selfies and filming videos, but she can’t edit them, change
STRONG-WILLED KIDS MANUAL

the lighting or the hue. She can’t even take an interesting photo of
something other than a sunset or an animal.

What can she do to get noticed? She ends up showing a little more skin
in the photo or in the video, as a last resort.

Or the guy who is also not a master of anything and has to “pay” for
being part of the group by doing something stupid - like throwing his
classmate’s bag out of a third-floor window - to prove he deserves a
place in the group.

This doesn’t mean that you should enroll your child in every possible club
before they turn 12 and cross your fingers they master one of them.

The path to mastery must be a prudent one, conditioned by what the

child is interested in and good at. Start early, guide and encourage your
child in the right way.