ROMANS

14
SESSION 5, CONFLICT MANAGEMENT, PART 1 OF 2

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Session 5 - Conflict Management, Part 1 of 2

I. Bible References:

Luke 12:51 - Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division (NIV).

This statement said by Jesus reveals that as Christians, we will have conflict. He says this with
the expectation that beliefs will be challenged and only those that remain loyal and can commit
to a life with Jesus will be saved. Our first week of this session will focus on many areas
including the misconceptions about conflict, sources and factors of conflict, and how to resolve
conflict constructively.

Philippians 2:3-4 - Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider
others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to
the interests of others.

I chose this verse because it helps bring balance to the first verse. We know that conflict will
exist and we will be tested from time to time (sometimes it feels we are tempted ALL the time).
However, Paul reminds us that we should consider others first – sounds like active listening,
doesn’t it? At any rate, when we remove our personal agendas and decide to work with others
to create unity, our conflict can be managed more effectively. As you will discover later in the
lesson, our goal is collaboration.

With some, conflict equals anger. As we all know, anger is a very powerful emotion, but can be
useful in some instances. Check out the NOOMA video titled, “Store 016” by clicking the
Nooma icon below...

As we discuss conflict this week, think about some key points that Rob Bell made in the video…

Some responses to anger are all about us.

We need to listen to our anger because God may be using it to get
our attention.
We get angry about things that do not matter.

II. Academic Concepts:

If you follow Tuckman’s order of development (from GTDI, week 1), you might remember that
each group has five stages: Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing, and Adjourning. You
might also recognize that our classes progress in these stages to some degree. Keep in mind
that each group does not necessarily follow each phase in precisely the same order. For

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example, “Norming” occurs throughout the first three stages, before “Performing” – it doesn’t
necessarily mean that it is the third stage and only occurs once. This week, our focus on
“Conflict Management” pertains to the “Storming” phase (though realistically, conflicts arise in
all phases).

According to Daniel Levi, there are three misconceptions about conflict (among others):

o Conflict is bad and should be avoided.

o Conflict is caused by team members not understanding each other.
o All conflicts can be resolved to everyone’s satisfaction (2001, p.116)

I’m not sure if anybody truly enjoys conflict, but there are some that enjoy a challenge (some
may say they take pleasure with a good argument and/or the process and “disguise” it as
something else, but be wary of these people too). The true nature of our existence is that we
will have differing opinions from time to time; sometimes we’re right, sometimes we’re not.
Conflict brings out the differences to keep us thinking – it keeps us challenged and potentially
can deliver the best overall results. That is, when all ideas and opinions are placed on the table,
we may find an excellent solution. If we were all in agreement, the idea generation process
may never happen (and life would be boring). In other words, conflict should not be avoided; it
should be embraced with caution. I’m using that term because if we’re not careful, conflict can
lead to destructive relationships.

Levi’s second point is a little harder to comprehend. It’s possible that not understanding each
other is a significant impetus to conflict management, but I think another significant factor is
disagreement. I believe I understand my wife pretty well, but that doesn’t mean I agree with
her all the time (though agreeing with her is in my best interests – and hers). All joking aside,
healthy disagreement can lead to better understanding. “Healthy” in this case refers to when
either party disagrees with a statement or concept, not the person (more on this later in Table
7.1).

“You can’t make everyone happy” is a proverb that reverberates from childhood. I agree with
this statement, but there is a caveat – you don’t need to upset everybody either. The question
is how can we solve this quandary? We’ll get to that too, but first let’s take a look at what
causes conflict.

Sources of Conflict

Levi states, “A team without conflict might be suffering from unhealthy agreement, have a
domineering leader who suppresses all conflict and debate, or be performing its task in a
routine manner and not trying to improve how it works” (2001, p.116). He further provides
seven primary sources of conflict:

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1. Confusion about people’s roles

2. Personality differences

3. Legitimate differences in opinion

4. Hidden agendas

5. Poor norms

6. Competitive reward systems

7. Poorly managed meetings (2001, p.117)

If you recall, many of these areas were covered in GTDI, some of which will be covered in this
class. Lastly, Levi divides these sources of conflict into two areas…

Table 7.1
Sources of Conflict

Healthy Focused on task issues

Legitimate differences in opinion about the task
Differences in value and perspectives
Different expectations about the impacts of decisions

Unhealthy Competition over power, rewards, and resources

Conflict between individual and group goals
Poorly run team meetings
Personal grudges from the past
Faulty communication

Source: Levi, 2001, p.118

Though I try not to focus on the negative, I do want to explore some of the “unhealthy”
sources. Competition is considered healthy until it becomes a competition within the team.
For example, what do you think happens when individuals on a team start choosing themselves
over the team? It happens all the time in film, for example:

James Cutter/Robert Ritter Clear and Present Danger

Fernand Mondego Count of Monte Cristo
Col. Nathan R. Jessup Few Good Men
Commodus Gladiator
Alfredo Corleone Godfather

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Mitch Wilkinson National Treasure 2

Willy Bank Ocean’s Thirteen
Warden Norton Shawshank Redemption

Levi’s third point, “Poorly run team meetings” can be resolved by focusing on setting up a team
charter with consistent rules. Should you feel those rules need to be redefined periodically,
feel free to do so based on what the group decides.

Personal grudges from the past are difficult to resolve because you may not know they exist. As
we will discover in week two, the Johari Window assists with this problem and promotes
authenticity. All in all, if one has a conflict from the past it’s best to resolve it and move on.
Productive
Otherwise it festers and affects communication, organization, and decision making. conflicts are
about issues,
ideas, and
Lastly, what does “Faulty Communication” mean? I like Levi’s words – he explains this as, tasks.
“inappropriate criticism, or distrust” (2001, p.118). By inappropriate criticism I believe he
means calling names, challenging another’s character, or making comments about one’s
personality. He wraps this up nicely by stating, “Productive conflicts are about issues, ideas,
and tasks…Unproductive conflicts are about emotions and personalities” (2001, p.120).

Benefits and Problems with Conflict

Believe it or not, there are benefits to conflict among teams. Unfortunately, there are some
problems or negative consequences – as one might have guessed.

Benefits with Conflict

Reduces conformity and unhealthy agreements

Solves problems better

Overcomes obstacles to group progress

A sign that the team is using its resources

Encourages group creativity: 1) encourages the team to explore new approaches, 2)

encourages new ideas

Motivates people to understand issues better

Source: adapted from Levi, 2001, p.119

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Problems with Conflict

Creates strong negative emotions and stress

Interferes with communication and coordination

Diverts attention away from tasks and goals

Interferes with the group’s ability to make decisions

Threatens social relationships in the group

Can destroy team cohesion and relationships, reduces communication

Can create winners and losers who will be a source of future conflict

Source: adapted from Levi, 2001, p.119

Remember the term, embrace with caution? If you look at the negative
consequences/problems with conflict, one might understand why conflict should be
recognized, but handled carefully.

Conflict Resolution Approaches

Now that we understand conflict a little better and know the sources, it might be helpful to
understand what to do about it. Consistently (across many models), there are five approaches
to conflict resolution. They are (in no particular order)… Avoidance, Accommodation,
Compromise, Confrontation/Competition, Collaboration. The following figure is from Stephen
P. Robbins text, “Organizational Behavior”:

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If you notice the arrows in each category, they illustrate the behavior in each. When
confronting/competing, the two parties are going head-on. When avoiding, the parties are
moving in opposite directions. When compromising, the arrows are broken, but moving in the
same direction. Accommodating looks like a decent proposal, but one must give more than the
other to maintain harmony. Lastly, in a highly cooperative and a highly assertive situation, the
two become one and move in the same direction. Obviously, this is the most desirable
situation, but rarely the easiest (i.e. increased assertiveness + increased cooperativeness =
collaboration.). Are the other techniques ever appropriate? The following table may help…

Uses for Conflict

Resolution Approaches

Approach Use Example

Accommodating Short-term resolution When your goals aren’t as important

as the other party’s.

Avoidance Trivial issue or when When your goals are inconsequential

disruption impedes or pursuing any personal goals will
resolution be detrimental to a relationship.

Confronting/Competing Emergencies When someone’s life is in danger or

there is little time for a debate.

Compromise Goals are important, but When all parties are willing to “give
flexible in” a little.

Collaboration Goals and relationships When striving for the “win-win”

are equally important situation.

Since collaboration is the most desirable, I’d like to spend more time there. Levi states the
following about collaboration, “When both sides of a conflict have important concerns, the
team needs to search for solutions that satisfy everyone” (2001, p.122). You may ask at this
point, “Who decides what’s important?” If you’ve set up your charter well (what is the
purpose/mission of the group), you can refer to that document to provide you with a guideline.
For example, say you are on a Leadership Committee and within your charter you decide to
leave physical plant matters to the Trustees. An argument arises regarding cutting the grass –
this is a physical plant issue and should be referred to the Trustees. I would also like to point
out that there can be progression with these steps if the parties in question have some
coaching. That is, should discussions escalate towards little or no resolution, I would
recommend including a neutral party that is familiar with these steps and/or tables. All in all, in

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order for a collaborative result to occur, it must have cooperation and respect from all parties
involved.

How does one achieve such a desirable strategy? If you recall from Creating Groups (GTDI),
there were rules on how to conduct a constructive controversy. For your convenience, I have
attached that same table in the Appendix A. Some important steps to remember in resolving
conflicts appropriately:

1) Maintain your composure. When your emotions escalate, it’s harder to think and therefore
harder to arrive to an intelligent decision. If your emotions start to get out of control, ask for a
break – come back to the conflict after you’ve calmed down.

2) Maintain respect for the other party. As Levi states, productive conflicts are about issues,
ideas, and tasks. Unproductive conflicts are about emotions and personalities. Focus on the
conflict, not the person.

3) Maintain relationships. This means that we should always keep in mind that a negative
consequence is a damaged relationship. Ask yourself this, “Are any relationships ever
expendable?” Use “I” statements vs. “You” statements (express how I feel, not how you want
the other to change).

Here’s a thought for you, “Minimize the barriers you can control, manage the barriers you
cannot.” Sound familiar? If it sounds like the “Serenity Prayer,” it’s very close (look in Appendix
B for a copy). Let’s go one step further by looking at the seven primary sources of conflict…

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Sources and Resolutions of Conflict

o Confusion about people’s This can be minimized through team charters by specifying what roles are
roles needed and to whom they apply.

o Personality differences Manage this by using active inquiry to understand differences

(and refer to the Serenity Prayer, accept things you cannot change).

o Legitimate differences Manage your own emotions by understanding you cannot change others, but
in opinion you can change your reaction to others.

o Hidden agendas As discussed in GTDI, hidden agendas can be hard to resolve because they are
hidden. One way to minimize hidden agendas is to periodically refer to the goals
of the group and use Dyer’s Developmental Scale for status checks.

o Poor norms This is another area that can be minimized by setting ground rules within your
charter. Remember, the charter is not a static document and can be updated as
necessary.

o Competitive reward Not seen very often in social groups, but this falls into the manage category of
systems having faith in God and your abilities. Strong work ethic results in rewards – life
may not be fair sometimes, but that’s for God to decide (see 2 Chronicles 15:7).

o Poorly managed meetings Minimize this issue with your charter and your role definition. Your charter will
assist in providing rules for your meetings. Role definition may be helpful when
deciding what kind of facilitator is necessary.

III. Synergy:

Jesus reminds us in the opening verse that conflict will happen. By our Christian nature, we will
be tested and conflicted many times throughout our life. When we are tested and when
conflicts arrive, our character is measured by how we handle it. Knowing more about the
sources of conflict, we can be alerted to the signs when they appear and can react accordingly.
Rarely do we have a life and death situation that can’t be handled without taking a time out to
assess the situation (taking a “time-out” can be a good thing though it’s often associated
otherwise). In my experience, it’s consistently been a good idea to analyze the factors that
created the conflict, consult with others to determine if the conflict is valid, then figure out
what is expected (or needed) for a resolution. While doing so, it’s also a good idea to
document these steps. You may need to alter them later, but putting things on paper can
provide great clarity.

If we remember what Paul tells us, we must take others into consideration. Because
relationships are important to group life, we need to focus on maintaining them at all times.
Since there are at least two parties to conflicts, we must try and understand the other party’s
perspective. This revolves back to active inquiry where we identify what factors are leading the

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other party to the conflict. I’m not suggesting we psychoanalyze anybody since most of us are
not psychologists, but at least try to find what may be driving a particular feeling or behavior;
using active inquiry has the potential to reveal some factors. By revealing more of ourselves
with authentic yet respective dialogue, we can move one step closer to conflict resolution.

When we collaborate, we keep others in mind as well as ourselves. Though it may not be easy
to collaborate, it should remain our ultimate goal.

IV. Questions:

1. What area of this week’s topics were the most relevant for you? Why?

2. What have you found to be the most helpful in conflict resolution? How about the
most destructive?

3. Briefly discuss a situation where you handled a conflict and the resolution was
positive? …when the resolution was less than favorable?

4. Which statement meant the most for you in the NOOMA video? What are some
unselfish responses to anger? Rob said, “Some people are looking for a fight because
they’re not in one.” What do you think he meant?

V. Charter Elements

We will remember “Productive conflicts are about issues, ideas, and tasks…Unproductive
conflicts are about emotions and personalities.”

We will focus on collaboration as a means to conflict resolution.

We will be mindful of the Serenity Prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I
cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

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Appendices

Appendix A, Rules for Constructive Controversy (back to resolving conflicts)

TABLE 5.1
Rules for Constructive Controversy
1. Establish openness Encourage all team members to express their
norms. opinions and feelings. Do not dismiss ideas
because they appear to be too impractical or
undeveloped at first.

2. Assign opposing views. Assign a person or subgroup the role of critically

evaluating the group’s current preferences.

3. Follow the golden rule People should discuss issues with others the way in
of controversy. which they want issues discussed with them. If you
want others to listen to you, then you should listen
to them.

4. Get outside information. Search for information from a diverse set of outside
sources to help the group make a decision.

5. Show personal regard. Ideas can be criticized, but do not attack a person’s
motivation or personality.

6. Combine ideas. The team should avoid either/or thinking and

should try to combine ideas to create alternative
solutions.
SOURCE: Adapted from Tjosvold (1995).

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Appendix B (back to seven sources of conflict)

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

In loving memory of
Fr Bertram Griffin -- 1932-2000
Requiescat in Pace

Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

Source: http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html

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