Spring 1980 is my third week of intensive work at the Primal Institute in Janov, New York.

It's a
wonderful time. The trees are in bloom and the birds are singing. I arrive in the small primal
room for my daily session with "my" therapist Tracee. I take off my shoes and empty my pockets
placing it aside near the door. I lie on the floor in the dark. Tracee is sitting in the corner, to my
right, also sitting on the floor. I feel her presence, I can hear her and talk to her, but she is not in
my field of vision.

She asks me, as she always does, "How do you feel, this morning? I tell him that I feel great, that
it's a wonderful time and that it makes me feel good. She replies that it is indeed a very
beautiful day. Then she suggests I turn my attention to how I feel and see if there is anything
else present. Yes, it comes back to me, this morning in the cafeteria of the YMCA I took a little
time to look for the money in my pockets and the cashier returned the change with a hard face
and an impatient gesture.

Tracee then tells me to close my eyes, look at the cashier again and tell her or do what comes to
mind. I then begin to speak to the cashier; as if she was in front of me. Even better than if she
was in front of me, because I can say anything I want, without fear of insulting her. "You're a
damned jerk! What are these ways? There's no fire. Yes, it took me a little while, but what's the
problem? If you don't like your job, change jobs. Etc." At the same time as I shout at her, I feel
the anger rising, more and more. That's when I see her sudden gesture when she hands me the
change. I yell at her, "Don't do that, I don't like it!" I feel the emotion getting stronger. I then
hear Tracee, whom I had forgotten, say to me: "Say that again … louder! I repeat to the cashier,
several times and louder: "Don't do that, I don't like it!" The emotion getting stronger every
time I repeat the sentence. Then, spontaneously, I start shouting and repeating, «Don't do that,
I don't like it!” The emotion getting stronger and stronger each time. Then, suddenly, I see a big
light above me. It's colder. I hear all kinds of noises around. I have the reflex to place my hands
on my mouth and nose. It smells like ether or chloroform. I don't know what it is, but it stinks. I
struggle, swinging my head from left to right, shouting in my hands, "It stinks, it stinks." Then,
suddenly, I feel numb, unable to move or to talk. My arms falling on the floor.

I knew I had an appendectomy around the age of five or six and I have a distant memory of the
brutal way in which I was anesthetized. Without trying to understand, I surrender to what I feel.
I hear surgery room noises. I hear voices but don't understand what they're saying. I feel
slenderness in my belly but feel no pain. In the center and inside of my thighs, I feel some
pressure.

I know I'm reliving my surgery. The only thing that brings me back to the present from time to
time is the tension of my trouser belt. After a while, Tracee asks me what's going on. With great
difficulty I managed to tell her that I believe I am in a surgery. I also tell her that my belt bothers
me and asks her to loosen it. She unbuckles my belt and says, "Stay with it. »

No longer being continually brought back to the present by my belt, I can let myself go
completely into this revival. For several minutes, I stand there, motionless to feel the tightness
in my belly and the pressure on the inside of my thighs. I hear Tracee going out of the room. She
came back a couple of times to ask me if I was OK. I just give her a little affirmative nod. She
repeats every time: "Stay with it. »
After a while, the numbness of my body begins to fade. My whole body is back to being
"normal." Except for my left arm from the elbow to the fingertips, which remains numb. I also
feel a pressure in the middle of my left hand, as if I had a bar in my hand. I stand there lying and
relaxed and let the memories come to my mind. I realize that I had been taken by surprise and
render unconscious, with this damn stinking thing on my mouth and nose. I was very angry, and
I lost consciousness while being overwhelmed by this anger. I now could understand why I had
often reacted strongly, very strongly, when I was being rushed in some way. I thought about
several situations where I felt the same way and how I made me react.

One of these "excessive" reactions could have had serious consequences. Around the age of
fifteen or sixteen, I worked as a labourer in the construction of a two-storey commercial
building. There was no stairs to go from one floor to the other. We had to climb a ladder and
pass between steel beams through a temporary opening in the second floor. One day, a co-
worker asked me to go down to get a hammer. As I was about to go up with the hammer, the
foreman held me back for some reason. The discussion lasted a while. Long enough for my
colleague to get impatient, show his face in the opening of the floor and shout furiously: “Hey!
That fucking hammer is coming or not?” My reaction was instantaneous. I threw the hammer in
his direction, without reaching it, fortunately. The hammer hitting the beams and falling without
causing any damage. When I went up with the hammer, my colleague was white. He said to me
in a frightened tone, "But what happened to you?" I was pretty shaken up myself. Usually
rather calm and reserved, I was very disconcerted by my impulsive reaction.

Tracee came back into the room. At his request, I told her about my primal. She asked me what
the connection between this scene and the incident at the YMCA was. I was surprised by her
question. For me it was very clear. The cashier's sudden gesture had resonated with the
abruptness and savagery of the anesthesia. Tracee did not dispute my perception of this link.
She reminded me of the importance of verifying the connection between the trigger and the
primal.

This surgical revival reassured me of the merits of the primal technique. I had seen scenes in the
first few weeks of my intensive, but these scenes did not contain physical elements like this one.
I was still at the point of wondering if I was "acting" or if a very concrete therapeutic process
was taking place.

Other aspects of the primal technique were later revealed to me. In the days or even weeks
after this review, I experienced a few situations in which I was surprised to find that I was not
reacting anymore in the same way. I realized that I had changed profoundly and that it took a
while to get used to my "new self".

Other doubts were dispelled when I returned home and told my wife about this scene revival. As
a nurse, she was able to provide me with further explanations. I told her about my left arm that
stayed numb for longer. She explained to me that an arm is usually immobilized and fitted with
an intravenous. The "bar" in my left hand, she said, had to come from a stick placed in the hand
during operations. What I had seen was therefore a very real situation recorded in my brain but
of which I was not aware of and not the fruit of my imagination.
This session convinced me of the effectiveness of the primal technique, it is with great
enthusiasm and hope that I embarked on my primal journey. I understood, after a while, that we
did not have enough of the rest of our lives to repair the damage suffered in our past, that it is
better to try to be as happy as possible, that it was difficult enough to deal with past injuries
harming our happiness present, that I was surely going to die with some unresolved "old
feelings", that painful unmet needs of my childhood would never be met and that the best we
could do was to find some peace with them. But I still believe that the primal technique is a
great tool to get the greatest real happiness possible from life.

Until a more elaborate and structured guide to the primal technique, here are some thoughts
from my personal primal journey:

1. The dark lighting in the primal room facilitates relaxation and helps us to pay close
attention to what we feel.
2. Lying on the carpet, in a well padded room, there is no risk of injury. It's easier to let
ourselves go wherever our emotions lead us to.
3. It is important not to try to understand, guide or direct the course of the session. It is
enough to pay attention to what we feel here and now and to express it without
thinking, without judging, without censoring.
4. We must express what we feel directly to the characters appearing in our emerging
memories (such as the YMCA cashier here) and not tell or explain to the therapist or the
person who assists us what we feel or have felt.
5. We must express ourselves, through words or gestures, directly to the people emerging
from our memories (authors or actors of our misfortunes). If there is no one and we feel
alone and helpless, we must address the people we have been cruelly missing.
6. It is important to speak aloud, without restraint and not think about it internally. That is
what brings us back to the place and time of the events. Our "here and now" is moving.
Memories, emotions and sensations come back in force. The pitch our voice, our
language and the way we express ourselves become those we had at the time of the
events. We have an opportunity to feel fully and express what we were unable to feel
and express at the time.
7. Primal is essentially a journey through time that allows us to "repair our past" or, at the
very least, to regain some peace with regard to events that we have experienced badly.
8. Regardless of whether we use a therapist, facilitator or friend to help us in this "time
travel» it can only be done effectively alone or rather with people from our past. We
must eliminate as much as possible anything that can keep us in the present. As seen
before, a simple belt too tight can, by constantly bringing us back to the present,
prevent us from really being in the past. It is therefore crucial to forget where we are
and where we are.
9. The reverse is not true. The person assisting us, if one is present, must not forget us. Its
reassuring presence can help beginner "travelers" to access the traumatic scenes of
their past.
10. As a silent but attentive witness to our journey through time, the assistant can, thanks
to his experience and knowledge of the primal process, intervene on an ad hoc basis to
give us a boost in case of difficulty at the start or during the course of the trip. The
 assistant does not need to know where we are going. It is important that she or he does
not try to push us in any direction. In the example above, Tracee did not know where I
was going, I was yelling at the waitress in French. But when I said, "Don't do this, I don't
like it!" she felt it was probably an entry point to an important scene. She asked me to
repeat and say it louder. It was the exact help I needed.
11. The word "probably" in the paragraph above is important. With the practice of primal
technique, we learn to trust ourselves. Once we get used not to try to analyze or
understand the memories emerging but rather pay attention to our emotions and
sensations, our cognitive brain becomes our own little internal therapist. It too becomes
a "silent witness" of our restorative journeys in the past, intervening only when
necessary. This "internal therapist" is closer to the action. It sees better what we're
reliving. He may endorse the suggestion of the external assistant, add nuances to it or
choose to ignore it completely when irrelevant or not appropriate.
12. Already, in the session described above, my "little internal therapist" sprang into action.
It "suggested" I put my hands on my nose and mouth when it realized I was about to
relive my childhood anesthesia.
13. Many say that it is not very effective to use primal technique alone; some even say it
can be dangerous. I do not know what kind of primal technique these people practice
but I do not share their opinion at all. I believe that during my years of practice, at least
95% of my sessions were done alone. Out of necessity, not choice. It is not easy to find
someone with whom you can work effectively, and that person need to be available
when we feel the need to do a session. Once we have learned the proper primal
technique and have a suitable place to do so, it is great to be able to feel as soon as a
trigger event occurs or within a few hours, rather than having to wait several days to do
it.
14. When I returned from New York, a month after starting my therapy, I built a well-
soundproofed, well-ventilated primal box in the basement of the house. I often went
down there, around 5:00 in the morning, after a dream, to do a session and then go
back to bed to complete my night. Sometimes during the day if an incident with my
children or spouse has alerted me to a primal emergency. Or, when I came back from
work when triggering events occurred.
15. A few months after my therapy started, my wife and I broke up. The days (and nights)
when I was home alone, my whole house became my primal box. I did some very
revealing and therapeutic primal sessions there.
16. With time and practice, the use of primal technique becomes virtually natural. There
have even been primals in my sleep and I feel different when I wake up, as after a
regular session.