Gender and Society
Love, Intimacy, and Relationship
Learning objectives:
1.
2.
Define love, attraction, intimacy, relationship, and other
related terms.
Discuss different Theories of Love.
3. Identify needs, issues, and concerns experienced by people
4.
who are in a romantic relationship.
Reflect upon one\s attitudes towards love, intimacy, and
relationship.
In February 15, 2015, an article featuring about the study
of McCann World Group came out for a national paper,
bannering the title: “Filipino most expressive about love
among Asia Pacific Countries” (Hegina 2015). In the
article an interesting result says that Filipino says “I love
you” approximately 17 times per week.
Robert Sternberg – A renowned psychologist for his
Triangular theory of Love says in 1986 paper: “What
does it feel to Love someone? Does it always mean the
same, if not, in what ways does it differ from each
other?”
Love as Human
Experience
1. Love as a Culture Universal
Love is connected to culture universal. A culture
universal is a phenomenon experienced similarly by the
people across time and culture. This means that humans,
whether those who lived in the past or who are living
now and regardless of their geographic location and
socio-cultural identities, have experience love, in one
way or another.
2. Love as a Social Phenomenon
Love is viewed as social phenomenon. Social
Phenomenon are events or experiences which ensue
within our interaction and relationships with other people.
Loving entails communication – the process of giving
and receiving information between and among people. It
also entails the use of language.
3. Love as an Emotion
Love is also construed as an emotion. Emotions are
physiological responses thaw we evaluate
physiologically as we experience particular life events.
There are basic emotions such as joy, sadness, fear,
disgust, and anger among others. There are also
complex emotions which are combination of basic
emotions in varying magnitudes and are made intricate
by circumstances surrounding the experience.
4. Love as Neurobiological event
With the recent advancement in science, love, now, can
be studied as a Neurobiological event. Every split of
second, information is being passed on within our
nervous system- conglomerate of organs responsible for
our ability to process and transmit essential information
among the many organs in our body. The information
comes in the form of electrical signal running along our
neurons (nerve cell), which movement is facilitated by
our neurotransmitters – a variety of chemicals found in
our nervous systems.
Neurobiologically, the experience of love is associated
with various parts of our brain. For instance, the loving
experience is commonly associated with the activation of
the Ventral Tegmental Area (VTA) of our brain which is
just right behind our left eyes. It is also associated with
the increased amount of endorphins- hormones believed
to provide humans a good moods.
Theories on Love
Since love is a rather complex idea that can be
described, defined, and experienced in a myriad of ways,
several theories and frameworks offer diverse
perspectives on how it can be understood and explained.
1. Psychodynamic View on Love
Psychodynamic theory is a collective term, which
pertains to the psychoanalytic tradition forwarded by
Sigmund Freud, as well as the succeeding theories that
support, redefine, or refute his propositions.
This theory posits that we have desires, and motives
fueled by our life and death instincts (Freud’s Eros and
Thanatos Theory). For instance, desirable behaviors that
promote positive relationship with others might be
viewed as influenced by our life instincts, while
aggressive behaviors that hurt, manipulate, or harm
ourselves and others might be viewed as influenced by
our death instincts.
Eventually, however, Freud came to believe that life
instincts alone could not explain all human behavior. The
psychodynamic view puts prime on the influence of our
early life experiences – referred to as formative years -
in our personality development. Crucial to this life stage
is our relationship with our primary caregiver – typically
the mother. It suggests that the type of attachment we
have our primary giver/s, influence our relationship in
later life, including our choice of romantic partners and
the way we relate and operate within this partnership.
From a psychodynamic view, love can be seen as a
manifestation of our eros or the life instinct and the
placement of our libido (life energy) unto an object (a
thing or a person towards who we transfer our psychic
energies to ease pain or achieve pleasure).
2. Color Wheel of Love
In his 1973 book “The Colors of Love”, psychologist
John Alan Lee compared styles of love to the color
wheel.
Just as there are three primary colors, Lee suggested
that there are three primary styles of love, namely;
Eros (sexual and romantic love) which he
described as a passionate physical and
emotional love feeling of wanting to satisfy,
create sexual contentment, security, and
aesthetic enjoyment for each other.
Storge (filial love) - Lee defines Storge as
growing slowly out of friendship and based more
on similar interests and a commitment to one
another rather than on passion.
Lodus (playful love) is playful, noncommittal
love. Lee uses the term to describe those who
see love as a desire to want.
The three secondary styles of love are;
Pragma (practical love) which he described as a
passionate physical and emotional love feeling
of wanting to satisfy, create sexual contentment,
security, and aesthetic enjoyment for each other.
Agape (universal love) is the highest form of
love (like the love of God). It’s the love that is
given without expecting any return.
Mania (sexual and romantic love) which he
described as a passionate physical and
emotional love feeling of wanting to satisfy,
create sexual contentment, security, and
aesthetic enjoyment for each other.
3. Triangular Theory of Love
The triangular theory of love explains the topic of love in
an interpersonal relationship. Psychologist Robert
Sternberg's theory describes types of love based on
three different scales:
1. intimacy (emotional closeness and
connectedness)
2. passion (romantic and physical attraction)
3. commitment (decision to maintain the love in
the long term)
Different stages and types of love can be explained as
different combinations of these three elements. For
example, the relative emphasis of each component
changes over time as an adult romantic relationship
develops.
a) Liking (intimacy) in this case is not used
in a trivial sense. Sternberg says that
this intimate liking characterizes true
friendships, in which a person feels a
bondedness, a warmth, and a closeness
with another but not intense passion or
long-term commitment.
b) Infatuated love (passion) is often what
is felt as “love at first sight”. But without
the intimacy and the commitment
components of love, infatuated love may
disappear suddenly.
c) Empty love (commitment): Sometimes,
a stronger love deteriorates into empty
love, in which the commitment remains,
but the intimacy and passion have died.
In cultures in which arranged marriages
are common, relationships often begin
as empty love.
d) Romantic love (passion + intimacy):
lovers are bonded emotionally (as in
liking) and physically through passionate
arousal. These couples may be at the
point where long-term commitment or
future plans are still undecided.
e) Companionate love (intimacy
commitment) is often found in marriages
in which the passion has gone out of the
relationship, but a deep affection and
commitment remain. Companionate love
is generally a personal relation you build
with somebody you share your life with,
but with no sexual or physical desire.
It is stronger than friendship because of
the extra element of commitment. The
love ideally shared between family
members is a form of companionate
love, as is the love between deep
friends or those who spend a lot of time
together in any asexual but friendly
relationship.
f) Fatuous love (passion + commitment)
can be exemplified by a whirlwind
courtship and marriage in which a
commitment is motivated largely by
passion, without the stabilizing influence
of intimacy.
g) Consummate love (passion + intimacy
+ commitment) is the complete form of
love, representing the ideal relationship
toward which many people strive but
which apparently few achieve.
Sternberg cautions that maintaining a
consummate love may be even harder
than achieving it. He stresses the
importance of translating the
components of love into action. "Without
expression," he warns, "even the
greatest of loves can die" (1987, p.341).
Consummate love may not be
permanent. For example, if passion is
lost over time, it may change into
companionate love.
4. Romantic and Companionate Love
Hatfield and Rapson, suggests that there are two
general types of love: romantic and companionate love.
a) Hatfield defines romantic love as
"characterized by intense passion - a
state of intense longing for union with
another." This type of love tends to be
more common at the outset of a
relationship. People in this state of love
tend to experience very powerful
feelings for each other.
Romantic love also comes in two
different forms.
 Requited love occurs when the
+ two individuals share mutual
attraction and feelings for one
another.
 Unrequited love (one-sided love)
is love that is not openly
reciprocated or understood as
such by the beloved.
b) Companionate love is characterized by
intense intimacy - emotional closeness -
which is also characterized of liking.
People who are in compassionate love
still feel passionate about one another,
but the intensity typically feels less
overwhelming and urgent. This type of
love involves caring deeply for the other
person, truly knowing the other
individual, and is committed to the other
person through both good times and
bad.
5. Love Languages
Gary Chapman, a world renowned author, suggested
that people have various ways trough which we give and
receive love. He referred to these unique ways as love
languages. Chapman posited that there are generally
five love languages namely;
a) "Words of affirmation" is about
expressing affection through spoken
words, praise, or appreciation. When
this is someone's primary love language,
they enjoy kind words and
encouragement, uplifting quotes, love
notes, and cute text messages. You can
make this person's day
complimenting them or pointing out what
they do well.
b) Physical touch as a love language is a
non-verbal way of showing love (uses
body language and touch). A person
with physical touch as their primary love
language feels love through physical
affection. Aside from sex, they feel loved
when their partner holds their hand,
touches their arm, or gives them hugs
and kisses.
c) Quality time - Someone with this love
language wants undivided attention and
are much willing to create memories
with the people they love. They feel
loved if you are present and focused on
them when you are together. This
means putting down the cell phone,
turning off the computer, making eye
contact, and actively listening.
d) Receiving gifts - Chapman calls gift as
a “visual symbols of love”. For someone
who uses and responds to this love
language, gift-giving indicates love and
affection. They treasure not only the gift
itself but also the time and effort the gift-
giver put into it.
e) Acts of service are nice things you do
for someone you love that make them
feel loved and appreciated. This love
language is for people who believe that
actions speak louder than words. Unlike
those who prefer to hear how much
they're cared for, people on this list like
to be shown how they're appreciated.
by
Love and Intimate
Relationship
Love, despite being well-studied and theorized, remains
abstract and obscure unless reviewed in the context of
human relationship. Aristotle, the Greek philosopher, is
commonly credited as referring to humans as social
animals. This means that when we are together, we live,
thrive, and flourish, and that connecting to other humans
is not only a sentimental, but also an evolutionary and
practical process.
Social connection is necessary for our growth as
individuals. In certain cases, it also serves as a
foundation for family life, which then provides us humans
a venue for nurturance and care and as a platform
where we can develop our greatest potentials. In other
cases, it enables us to secure our social position and
provides us human resources to implement our goals for
ourselves and for the greater community.
In his analysis of close human relationships, George
Levinger postulated that there are stages that intimate
relationships go through.
Intimacy in a relationship is a feeling of being close, and
emotionally connected and supported. It means being
able to share a whole range of thoughts, feelings and
experiences that we have as human beings. It starts in:
1. Acquaintance
Intimate human relationships start in acquaintance. We
meet up through circumstances and first learn about the
basic information about one another.
Crucial at this stage is attraction. Attraction can take
place in an enabling environment. It can happen when
there is propinquity or proximity – when we are
physically close to one another. It can happen when
there is exposure - when due proximity, there are
repeated possibilities of interaction. It can also happen
when there is similarity - common preferences,
interests, and probably, beliefs and values. It is also the
action or power of evoking interest, pleasure, or liking for
someone or something.

2. Buildup
Some acquaintances build up into deeper relationships.
Frequency of interaction increases. Kinds of activities
share become diverse. The involved parties begin to
introduce one another to each other's friends and
families, thus making the social network larger and
interconnected. This is the stage when two (2) persons
test their boundaries. They test the waters before
engaging fully and so committedly in the relationship.
3. Consolidation and
Continuation
This stage is when people commits to a long-term
relationship with one agreement (i.e., marriage). What
makes people commit to a relationship, to the point of
legitimizing it through marriage? Often, people set
standards that are sustainable (e.g., ability of each other
to maintain a family or a household, readiness of each
other to raise children, career, and financial capacities).
Humans are social beings, and interacting with and
connecting with others is at the heart of our nature. The
concept of love, an experience so abstract yet so
meaningful to many people, is central to understanding
human relationships. However, love is diversely defined
because it appears and is experienced in various ways.
This chapter delves into the numerous ideas that explain
love and its varied forms. It also addresses the stages
that people in love and intimate relationships go through
as they advance from acquaintances to a deeper form of
consenting partnership.
Reasons for the discontinuation of an intimate
relationship, as well as its eventual demise, are also
discussed. In general, we are all urged to reflect on our
human relationships in order to forge healthy, successful,
and concern ties with others.

4. Decline or Deterioration
Unfortunately, some intimate partnerships are unable to
sustain and maintain their commitment or attraction. For
one, there may be a change in priorities between the
individual couple, such that the conjoint value of the
partnership is not anymore sufficient.

5. Ending
For those intimate partnerships that are unable to
address the causes and circumstances leading to the
deterioration of their relationships, the stages culminate
in the ending or termination of the agreements made
through informal (e.g., a collective decision to end the
relationship) or formal (e.g., marriage dissolution) means.

Relationship terminates due to any of the following

reasons.
 Death of any one partner
 Infidelity (state of being unfaithful)
 Arguing
 Infertility (inability to conceive)
 lack of commitment