#Insert 1

"No one leaves home unless home is the mouth of a shark.” Warshan Shire

I feel the anger boiling within me propelling me forward. Usually I'm wary of walking through these cold,
cruel Hilbrow streets at dusk. I ofen take a taxi from school but its close to month end and my taxi
money has ran out. Today I am too fred up to be scared. I’m fushed, my whole face feels like it’s on fre.
And its not from the long distance from my school in Braamfontein to Hilbrow. It doesn’t help that it’s
the month of Ramadan and I haven’t eaten anything the whole blessed day. Angry tears fll my eyes and
I furiously blink them back. These same tears made me appear weak to that diva wannabe and her
goons. Their tiering and scornful giggles stll ring in my ears. I’m so focused on my inner turmoil that I
do not notce the drunkard staggering into my path and we collide. “Bitch!” he slurred at me, the stale
stench of his alcoholic breath hitng me fully in my face. There is no point throwing him an evil glare
because it’s dark. I contnue with my way home blocking out his insults. Today feels like the devil's
birthday! Gaaaàaaar I clench my teeth in frustraton. It started badly enough with me oversleeping
because I slept in the early hours of the morning writng that ghastly History Assignment. Of course
Lerato pounced on me the moment I reached the school gate. You see Lerato Leshole is the head prefect
but she recently developed beef with me. Eye roll. She made me clean the toilets afer school as
punishment. The stench in those toilets made me gag and now even thinking about them makes bile rise
in my throat. But that wasn’t what angered me. No, I don’t mind cleaning a few stnking toilets. It’s
actually what she said afer my punishment. That’s what made me later than usual and had me walking
alone in the gathering darkness. They cornered me with her two stogies whose names are as vacant as
their heads. I’m used to being their punching bag, I ofen block them out. But today she was meaner
than usual roughly pulling my sweater while her stogies poked me around. I had felt the anger boiling
and my fsts balled but I kept them frmly by my side. The last person I hit ended up in hospital afer I
blacked out only coming to my senses to blood everywhere and bruised hands. So I never fght, ever. But
today I came so close, Allah forgive me. Their poking me around however is not what pushed me over
the edge. I have been bullied before. It’s what she said with so much disgust and disdain before she spit
on me. She said… the sudden loud blowing of a car horn snaps me out of my thoughts and fortunately
I’m wrenched quickly from the path of an oncoming taxi. The driver let’s out a series of explicit curses as
the taxi speeds on it’s way. My heart is now thudding painfully in my chest. The sound of my racing
heart is roaring in my ears. I look at my savior, a wry shriveled old Timer with a slightly stooped back. I’m
so grateful I impulsively kiss his leathery wrinkled cheek. He pats me comfortngly on the back, “Watch
yourself mntanam.” My near encounter with death is enough to douse the anger that had been burning
in me enough to make me more aware of my surroundings.

I'm now nearing Bankei Street, I focus more on where I’m going. The Streets of Hilbrow have become
alive as the darkness grows. Some unsavory characters are loitering in street corners. I quicken my pace
and appear as unfazed as I can. These streets prey on the scared, a lesson I came across rather painfully.
I can now see my fat looming closer. Home. If I can call it that. Only Safari Hotel isn’t really a homely
place. Appreciatve wolf whistles follow me making me quicken my strides. Now I’m half jogging and half
striding. I fnd Sbula on guard duty at the door today. Usually I smile cheerfully at him but not today.
“My Caramel!” he greets cheerfully but I ignore him and shove my way inside ignoring his concerned
look. Sbula is like a brother to me ever since he saved me but that’s a story for another day. My anger
which had mellowed into ambers is slowly burning up again as I climb the winding staircase. There is no
elevator and we stay in the 9th foor. With each foor I remember their taunts and my chest is weaving
with these foreign emotons. I’m almost at our door afer the exhaustng climb. On cue Amaka, our
overly friendly neighbor opens her door. “Ihunanya m'!” she calls out cheerfully in the Igbo endearment
for my love but I’m too fred up in my anger so I pretend not to hear her. I fumble in my backpack to fnd
my keys turning my back on Amaka, she repeats her greetng a liile louder. I'm not deaf! I want to snap
at her but I can’t and that adds to my frustratons. I try opening the door only to fnd another key lodged
in the keyhole. I have forgoien that today is Nura's day of. Nura is my mother but I never call her
mother in my mind I always refer to her as Nura. I open the door and hurry inside away from Amaka's
cheerfulness. The moment I enter I’m hit by the aroma of cumin, cardamom, cloves, cinnamon and
garden sage. My mouth automatcally waters and my stomach reminds me that I haven’t eaten. But I
shove my hunger aside and focus on my anger. I want to direct it to Nura, this is all her fault. She
brought us to this place, she took us from home. And now I am sufering at the hands of Lerato and her
bullies because she brought us here. I wish we stayed in an apartment where I have my own bedroom
then I would stomp into my bedroom banging my door like a normal enraged teenager. But we only stay
in a one roomed apartment, at least it has a toilet. Without looking at Nura I drop my backpack on the
foor and enter into the toilet and bang the bathroom door. Not that I’m expectng her to shout at me.
My mother is the most peaceful soul that I know. I don’t remember a day when she has ever raised her
voice. I just want her to feel my anger. I sit in the toilet waitng for her to come and check up on me. I've
been in this toilet for 5 minutes and Nura hasn’t followed me to ask what's wrong. Ok, I awkwardly leave
and go back into the room. I fnd her hurdled at the corner of the bed watching the news while quietly
sniffling. I have never seen Nura cry before and it scares me. I look at the screen to try and understand
why Nura is crying. The headline screams “At least 300 killed in Somalia car bombings.” I sink down next
to Nura my anger defated and I also listen forlornly to the news reporter. The reporter terms it the
deadliest aiack in Somalia in modern history, a double car bombing in Mogadishu. I feel my heart break
as I watch the rescue team try to recover bodies from the rubble. I wonder if any of our family was also
buried under that rubble not that I know or remember any of them. I zone out at the reporter taps on
about two US citzens who were also killed in the aiack. The way he goes on about the two makes it
seem like their lives were more important that the other multtudes who were deceased some said to
have succumbed from their burn wounds. My anger at Nura is forgoien and I feel her pain, my tears
also make their way silently down my face. We lie there on the bed snuggling against each other lost in
our tears. Afer a while Nura clears her throat. “I fnally thought we could go back home when you fnish
your Matric macaanto (sweetheart). But I was wrong it’s stll not safe. I’m sorry Farrah I know how much
you hate it here lately and I know you are having a hard tme at school. It’s stll not Allah's tme.” It’s all
she has been talking about lately, us returning home as proud expatriates seeing our family and her
showing me all the places where she grew up. I expect anger and retributon in her voice but Nura's
voice is sof and melodic. Her voice is calm and acceptng, I feel ashamed of my anger. My anger seems
peiy and juvenile. I feel ashamed that I blamed her, it’s like she can see right through me. We have
never needed words to communicate. She looks into my eyes and she sees my pain. I might not be able
to narrate to her the words those girls used how they called me a Kwerekwere magosha (foreigner
whore) but she sees the depth of my pain in my eyes. I want to lash out at Allah and scream When will
our sufering end, are we not your Chosen? But as always my screams are silent, they are only loud in
my head. Only I can hear them.

#Insert 2

Afer our crying session, I stand up and head to the pots. Nura has cooked lamb kebabs with grilled
vegetables. I hate lamb but I’m not one to complain and I know how hard it is for Nura to make sure we
have food every day. I dish up two plates and I go and sit next to Nura. It’s always been just Nura and I
for as long as I can remember. Not only is she my mother but she is also my sister and best friend all
rolled into one. I hand her her plate and she smiles so sweetly at me. We eat in silence. Nura starts
telling me about her day. I haven’t really sat and talked to her in seven days. She works at Steers and she
takes as many hours as she can, even if it means working seven day double shifs without a break just so
that she can put food on the table and clothes on my back. Every now and again she also does odd jobs
such as laundry and cleaning. She says the pay is good and it supplements the liile she gets as a salary. I
watch her carefully as she talks animatedly of Amaka and her husband's drama. I wonder if Nura is really
happy and content as she tries to be in front of me or if she is also silently screaming in her head like me.
I’m stll smartng from my encounter with Lerato to actually join in her endless chaier. She understands
and talks for the both of us. I wish I had Nura's voice, her gentle husky laugh. I listen to her voice not
really paying aienton to her words as I wash the dishes. It soothes my frayed emotons and lulls me
into a false sense of security. In her voice I fnd solace but I know that tomorrow is another day of
torment and torture. Afer tdying up I join Nura in the bed, she opens her arms and I cuddle against her.
“You are such a phenomenal soul my darling Farrah. They can never break you with their words. Aad
baan ku jeclahay (I love you very much)” she says sofly into my ears. Nura has the uncanny ability to say
exactly what I need to hear. I drif to sleep in her warm loving arms.

My peace is short-lived. I’m in a beautful meadow the grass is lush and green the breeze refreshing and
teasing my unbraided hair. I’m sitng cross-legged on the grass watching the water fall in a clear
seamless curtain down the rugged steep slopes and gather into a blue calm waterbody. I’ve never been
here before but it feels like home. I hear singing like nothing I’ve heard before. The voice is angelic, sof
yet so clear. The kind of voice that gives you goosebumps on your whole body. The song is as serene as
the water fall and the breeze. Happiness and contentment mingle and wrap around me in a warm
cocoon. Untl I notce that its me who is singing. Wait… how? Suddenly the voice loses its tranquil
melody and it turns into a screeching and hauntng song. The walls are closing in on me crushing me and
suddenly I’m drowning. I want to shout for help. I open my mouth but no sound comes out. That sweet
clear voice has deserted me. Water flls my mouth, choking me. I wake up jolted from my nightmare
spuiering and clutching my throat, drenched in sweat. I’m back in our apartment, I haven’t had The
Dream in a while. It’s never the same dream but it always ends with me drowning and failing to call for
help. But this tme it was diferent, I was singing! I open my mouth wide and no sound comes out. I try
again. Stll nothing. I shut my mouth as soul crushing disappointment washes over me. I look at the old
clock on the wall, it’s almost 6am there is no point trying to go back to sleep. Nura has long gone, she
leaves at 5am. I say my prayers in my heart and get up. I make the bed and clean the apartment before I
go to bath. I’m dreading going back to school, back to the tauntng. I look at myself in the mirror as I give
myself a pep talk. My eyelashes are long and curly like Nura's and my eyes which are the most
expressive part of me are currently clear and a warm dark honey brown. They darken into a shiny black
in anger. Nura is always reminding me of the Holy Prophet’s words “Whoever controls his anger at the
tme when he has the means to act upon it, Allah will feel his heart with contentment on the Day of
Resurrecton.” I doubt the Prophet would have said the same if he had been bullied most of his life. I
resent Nura's words of wisdom and how she always quotes Muhammad. But the one that takes the cup
is “If any of you becomes angry let him keep silent.” That’s all I ever am, silent. Maybe Allah saw that I
have too much anger in me. Maybe that’s why He took my voice and made me a mute. I block these
biier thoughts from my mind, I don’t want to be late again today and give Lerato any more ammuniton.
I quickly check my trickled face, the trickles are sprinkled across my pet nose and ever so slightly on my
squared jaw. My medium full lips are compressed in determinaton my lower lip jutng out. Nura is
always fussing about me wearing my Hijab (headscarf) to school but she can miss me with that. No way
am I subjectng myself to even more bullying as the kid with the weird scarf on her head. So I always te
my long curly hair into a strict bun. I’m satsfed with my refecton even though I hate the red blazer and
te. I leave home careful to lock the door. Safari isn’t big on security. One night while I was alone a man
had burst into our room, he was obviously intoxicated and he asks me what I was doing in his room.
Fortunately Amaka being nosy came to my rescue and her husband had dragged the intruder out with
the scruf of his neck. “Ima mma always keep door locked na na na oh,” she said frmly. Some tmes I
don’t understand what Amaka says but from then onwards I always lock the door when I’m alone in the
apartment or when I’m leaving. Speak of the devil, she comes out of her door the moment she hears me
lock with a cheerful greetng. I feel bad for ignoring her last night so I favor her with my rare full dazzling
smile. She gives me pieces of biltong wrapped in plastc and my heart clenched. Amaka's heart is as big
as her bossom. I hurry down the staircase hoping to catch Sbula before he knocks of. I’m disappointed
to fnd another guard already in his post. This one never greets me but leers at me whenever I pass him.
Truthfully he creeps me out but then again I am paranoid. I am feeling positve today and I will not allow
him or anyone to bring me down so I smile at him and make my way to school.

My positvity dwindles as I approach school. oohn Orr Technical High School stands intmidatng in front
of me and I feel my shoulders becoming heavier. Thankfully I am early today I try to make my way as
unobtrusively as possible praying that I don’t run into Lerato and her goons. “Farrah!” I have come to
know this voice so well in the last month. Usually I feel this warmth tugging at my heart when I hear my
name called out by this voice. Not today though, I just want to be lef alone. “Farrah!!!” more insistently
now, I contnue on my way and even put on my head phones to block out this annoying intrusion. I have
not walked more than 5 steps into the gate when I am grabbed not so gently and fnd myself pressed
into a broad chest. I glare up angrily and he glares down just as angrily. At tmes I forget how arrogant he
is. He takes out my head phones, I try to snatch them from him but he is too fast and so bloody tall he
holds them out of my reach. My eyes by now are shootng daggers at him. “Why did you ignore me just
now?” he asks in that commanding voice of his. I’m pissed at him, he is part of the reason why Lerato is
breathing down my neck. I shrug my shoulders dismissively and somehow untangle myself from his hold.
I’m not in the mood. I leave him standing there with my headphones. I hear him cursing behind me and
then he turns and goes to his friends. You probably wondering who that is right and if he’s my
boyfriend? That is LwandleLubanzi, his name is a mouthful I doubt I would have been able to pronounce
it had I been able to speak. In my head I whisper Banzi as he molds his body onto mine and kisses me tll
I swoon as I cling to him like Poison ivy . But it’s only in my dream and to answer your unasked queston,
no he is not my boyfriend or my anything. Yeah maybe I have a liile crush on him but I’m very realistc it
will only ever be that, a crush. Why? Because a freckled mute like me could never be with a hote like
him. He only began to acknowledge my existence just over a month ago even though we have been in
the same class since grade 8. And incidentally in all those years he had always sat on the desk across
mine. I will never forget that day. I was holding my books in a rush to go home. I had bumped into
Lerato and her goons, they started toying with me as usual it’s exhaustng really how much they derive
pleasure from making me uncomfortable. I tried pulling away from one goon and I had bumped fully
onto a desk my books fying out of my arms. The Shakespearean full volume book hit Banzi straight in his
shin while my other books fell on his foot. Lerato and her goons had tiered loudly and I had sprawled
on all fours trying to pick up my scaiered books. Afer my harried search was complete I opened my
hand for Banzi to hand me my Shakespearean collecton. He looked at me disdainfully from the boiom
of my Toughees shoes to the top of my then braided hair. “Aren’t you even going to apologize?” he
drawled lazily. Of course I had heard him speak countless tmes before but on the day in partcular his
deep lazy voice had given me a funny feeling in my tummy. I found myself staring open mouthed at him.
Allah had taken him tme crafing this boy who stood in front of me. His dark brown chocolate skin
stretched smoothly over the autocratc planes of his face, his nose straight yet slightly fared but most
captvatng was his deep dimple on his lef cheek which was evident even as he silently stared at me in
antcipaton. “What, cat got your tongue?” I watched how his full juicy lips pouted and formed a perfect
bow with each syllable he ejected through that sinfully delicious mind. Right then I had my frst
adulterous thought of bitng into his lower full lip. I was saved from further embarrassment by one of his
friends whispering loudly to him, “Dawg she’s the dumb broad.” It felt like someone had poured a
bucket of icy cold water on me. Efectvely snatching me from my impossible day fantasy. My face
burned in embarrassment. Couldn’t there be a beier way to defne my conditon than as some “dumb
broad”? No maier how many people refer to me in that manner I stll feel afronted by it. I may be mute
but my emotons are fully functonal and I feel pain even deeper than others because my emotons have
no outlet. Then his arrogant stance had altered right in front of me to be replaced by my worst
nightmare… pity. I hate pity like I seriously can’t stand someone feeling sorry for me, I’m a very
functonal human being who just can’t talk. I understood his surprise though. Most people assumed that
I can’t speak English or local languages or that I’m an awkward introvert. I’m neither of the above, I can
hear all the above languages and I’m very outspoken in my mind and with Nura cause she can sign. I
then grabbed my book from him as thick as it was and I scurried out of the classroom chased by Lerato’s
high pitched laughter. The bell breaks into my trip down memory lane and I make my way to the
assembly alone.

#Insert 3

“Quiet people have the loudest minds.” Stephen Hawking

“Fatma Farrah Omar!” Ms Buthelezi calls out my name. I raise my hand and she smiles at me, then she
contnues calling out the class register. I feel Banzi’s eyes drilling holes on my back. I contnue ignoring
him. My life was more peaceful before people started taking notce of me. Now I feel like a lab rat. As far
back as I can remember I have never spoke. Even as a child I wouldn’t make any sound even when I fell,
the tears would gush out of my eyes without a sound emitng from my lips. Nura says we are originally
from Ulheed a coastal town nestled in the mountainous slopes of Cal Madow mountain range in the
northern Sanaag region of Somaliland. I love listening to Nura as she talks about home. She says it’s
beautful that our hometown is close to Lamadaya waterfall. I wish I could see it one day it sounds
heavenly. Then she says we moved to Nigeria, Abuja for a while but she never really talks about Abuja.
Whenever I ask further about Abuja she brushes me of or pretends she didn’t see my signing. I don’t
remember either Somalia or Nigeria my earliest memories are from the fat we stayed in in Yeoville. The
clearest memory is one day at the park Nura had taken me there and I was playing on the slide with
another girl. She pushed me and I fell grazing my knee a bit and I got up without crying and pushed her
even harder and she wailed. Her mommy came running and scolded both of us. She demanded that we
both apologize to each other, the other child grudgingly mumbled “sorry” afer some promptng she
fnally uiered a more audible apology. It was my turn, I opened my mouth but nothing came out I tried
even harder stll nothing came out. Now all the mothers in the park were focusing on our squabble
demanding I reciprocate the apology. I tried tll tears smartened my eyes. Nura came up to us and
apologized to the mother and said I was a liile shy. I remember hearing the words “What a weird kid.” I
was fve years old I wanted to ask Nura why I was diferent why I couldn’t talk but of cause I couldn’t
uier my queston and I couldn’t sign either by then. I’m hit by the lid of a pen on the side of my head
snapping me from my thoughts. I pick it up on my desk and it has a piece of paper folded in it. It’s a
note, “Stop day dreaming about me and concentrate. Mid terms are coming.” I glare at Banzi and he
smirks then he signs that I should look to the front. Yes he can sign quite well actually I will tell you more
afer class. The idiot is right I need to focus all my aienton on my Life Sciences class.

School is fnally out and I'm packing my books into my school bag carefully. Overall it hasn’t been a bad
day no one has bothered me yet. Banzi comes next to me and takes my backpack, I try protestng but he
ignores my signs and walks away in silence forcing me to sullenly fall in step with him. Remember I told
you about the momentous manner in which Banzi fnally acknowledged my existence which ended with
me humiliated? Well the following day he came to me as I was sitng alone as usual in my hidden lunch
spot. He signed I’m sorry and to say I was shocked was an understatement. “Close your mouth fies will
go in,” he admonished arrogantly. I did say he was arrogant. I asked him where he had learnt to sign like
that and he told me that his young brother is deaf and dumb so his whole family could sign. That term
again “dumb” I hate it, it perpetuates the stereotype that mutes are somehow mentally unft or slow
which is far from the truth. I’m a straight A student always have been. I can’t speak no but my mind is
always writhing with new thoughts, theories and ideas. It almost seems like my brain is compensatng
for the lack of expression. I get frustrated when I can’t artculate my thoughts, I'm a very impatent
person. The best way I can describe the feeling of having all these brilliant concepts and not being able
to fully artculate them is like being trapped in your own mind. Banzi had asked why I didn’t go to a
special school for the Deaf and dumb like his brother. I told him I had gone to a special school when I
was younger. What I didn’t tell him was that I had also had a tutor that was back when my mother
worked for the Naidoos and they had taken care of my schooling. When that employment was abruptly
terminated, a story for another day, Nura couldn’t aford the fees. I assured her that I didn’t need to go
to a special school unlike the Deaf who really needed the special educaton I could hear quite well and
communicate through writng if the need arises. From that day Banzi would mostly sign when talking to
me. I tried assuring him that I’m not deaf he can speak I would understand but he said where is the fun
in that, communicatng this way meant that no one would eavesdrop on our conversaton and that we
were in our own liile bubble. Yeah he has sweet moments like that but most of the tme he is
overbearing and arrogant like now I huf as I walk with him. He asks why I ignored him this morning and
that I shouldn’t even try to evade his questons. You see what I meant when I said he’s overbearing? I
tell him that he should ask his girlfriend Lerato. He stops walking and if I’m reading him correctly anger is
emanatng from the taut lines of his body. He asks what do I mean when I say Lerato is his girlfriend.
Sigh, who’s the dumb one now? I narrate to him how afer cleaning the toilets I found Lerato and her
goons waitng for me outside. Afer shoving me around they said I should stop trying to sink my dirty
claws into Banzi because I quote “Banzi is my man and you should stop following him around.” If I could
talk I would do a good job at imitatng Lerato's fake cheese girl twang. Like Bonang she tries too hard to
sound spoilt and privileged while we all know she didn’t grow up that well of. I’m narratng quickly, the
best part about communicaton with Banzi is that he’s also quick in reading signs so our conversatons
fow and I never feel like I’m burdening him. He seems hella pissed and I didn’t even tell him of the name
calling. “Wait here.” He commands handing me my backpack. He must think that I’m stupid. I don’t have
tme for these theatrics that his girlfriend is throwing and I don’t get ordered around by anyone. I make
my way out of school, I have a long walk ahead of me. At least today it’s stll day tme and I’m more level
headed.

I get home and Sbula isn’t at work yet. It’s stll early he signs in at around 6pm, there is stll that creepy
guard. I ignore his stares and I go up the staircase. Today there’s a lot of actvity on the frst foor. That’s
where the bar is and tonight it seems like there is going to be some gig. oust perfect. Even though we
stay in the 9th foor the noise is stll deafening and at tmes it’s hard to concentrate on studying. Safari
isn’t an ideal place to stay but at least here the rents are more reasonable imagine paying R3600 for a
fat in Berea, daylight robbery if you ask me. Because most of the fats aren’t even well maintained. The
staircase is always busy and I smile at a few familiar faces tll I reach our foor. It’s a real workout and it
helps me because I'm not an athletc person. I’m more of an intellect, I love reading and formulatng
many philosophies. I ofen ask myself if things would be more diferent if I could speak? Let me let you in
on my secret ambiton I’ve always wanted to be an opera singer. I love the opera even though I can
never understand what they are singing but the symphonies tug at my heart and calm me. But then I
reason with myself that even if I could speak there would be no guarantee that I would be able to even
carry a high note maybe I would sound like a goat when it’s being slaughtered. There is no sign of Amaka
today, I let myself in and switch on the lights. I open the fridge, luckily there is food lef over from last
night I don’t have to cook. Cooking is tedious. Or I could be a journalist, but it seems like a lot of work
always being up in everyone else’s business. But my deepest deepest wish is to be a lawyer. I know it’s
stupid right? Ptsssh I mean who’s ever heard of a mute lawyer. Nura always says I can be anything I set
my heart to be but then again Nura is my mom it’s her job to sell me dreams. “Why did you leave?” it’s a
text from Banzi let me ignore it. “Don’t you dare ignore me” Gaaaàaaar Allah will I never rest? “Had to
get home and study.” I text back. “You never listen, I would have taken you home.” I roll my eyes, there
is no way that I would want Banzi to see where I live. Yes I’m ashamed of where I stay, I wish it was a
beier fat or that we stayed at the town houses. “Got to do my Tarawih prayers. Goodnight.” I text him
back and he doesn’t respond. I read my prayers from the Quran recitng them in my heart. The loud
music starts down below, it’s Soul Brothers tonight not exactly my kind of jam but I will take them over
Maskandi any day. I remember that Banzi stll has my head phones and I wish I had goien them from
him. Sigh. I take out my Geography notes and immerse myself in Tectonic movements as the radios blurs
in the background “Obaba bethu babotshiwe izingane z'sele zodwa, (Obaba ethu babotshiwe thina
sthwele kanzima. Sthwele kanzima. Oh thina sthwele kanzima). Bazobuya sbalindile noma bengena mali
(Bazobuya nathi sbalindile noma bengelamali).”

#Insert 4

"Come,” he says the moment he sees me at the gate. He doesn’t even give me a chance to refuse he
grabs my backpack on one hand and my hand on the other hand. How rude! I am seriously not in the
mood for his nonsense today. I woke up to some serious cramps in my stomach. Bloody periods, oh how
I hate them. Why do we have to go through this every month? I mean couldn’t Allah say periods only
start when one decides I now want to have children. Then some of us would be spared because I do not
want children at all. I don’t need a reason I just don’t want kids. I wonder where this fool is taking me.
We are heading towards the rugby feld, I cringe as I see who we are heading to. He’s got to be kidding
me! I try pulling my hand from his grip but he holds me frmly in place and even when we reach Lerato
and her goons, he doesn’t let go of my hand. I remember the frst tme Banzi held my hand, it felt
magical like I fnally have someone else in my corner not just Nura. Lerato also looks at our joined hands
and doesn’t look too pleased, I relax my hand in Banzi's hand and intertwine our fngers just for control.
It’s awkward standing in front of Lerato, she obviously has a lot to say her eyes are doing all the talking
but she seems wary of Banzi. “Babe…” she starts saying angling towards Banzi who gives her an
intmidatng look and she drops her hand and stares at me. It’s not a friendly stare I might add but I’m
used to it. “Lerato you are wastng our tme.” She clears her throat uncomfortable and I’m just looking at
her blankly. “Farrah I'm sorry about pushing you around and what I said to you on Wednesday. It won’t
happen again.” Her mouth is saying one thing while her eyes are throwing venom at me. I nod politely at
her then look expectantly at Banzi. Is this why he dragged me across the whole school, for this fake
apology? Any other day I would have appreciated his eforts but periods make me cranky and the pain I
was in I just wanted to hurdle alone on my desk. He turns to leave, stll holding my hand in case you are
wondering, and I follow his lead. “Lwandle!” Lerato calls out pleadingly but he keeps on walking. Not to
throw shade but Banzi sounds way sexier than Lwandle or maybe I just have a thing against Lerato's
voice. There’s defnitely something happening between Lerato and Banzi maybe she was right she’s his
girlfriend. But then why would he drag me all the way to her while holding my hand? I decide it’s none
of my business really I shouldn’t concern myself. He’s stll holding my hand as we enter class, people
stop their chaiering for a split second to stare at us and I feel uncomfortable. He doesn’t seem to mind
all this aienton and doesn’t let go of my hand tll we reach my desk. I’m grateful it’s a Friday and month
end it means it’s a half day, my womb feels like it’s on fre. As luck would have it we are having double
period of English. Groan. Not that I hate English but Miss Ncube doesn’t like me. She’s always picking on
me. Not the in front of the class I want to pick on you, no. But she always has to fnd fault in my work. I
promise you the number of rewrites that lady has made me do are ridiculous she would tell me to
rewrite a whole essay maybe 3 tmes before giving me a 90 per cent. And when she’s teaching she looks
straight at me, like right now she has notced that I just zoned out and she is giving me the eye. Sigh. I
know what’s coming next. “Miss Omar can I have a word with you afer class.” You see what I mean? As
everyone heads out to break I drag my feet to Miss Ncube's ofce. “Come in Miss Omar,” she responds
to my tmid knock. Sometmes I think this woman has eyes everywhere. I take a sit at her bidding.
“Farrah I will not tolerate you day dreaming during my classes. Do I make myself clear?” I nod my head
vigorously, this is the only teacher who intmidates me. “Good now since obviously you thought what I
was teaching to be irrelevant I want a 3 000 words report on why schools teach American or Britsh
Literature instead of African Literature making references to African authors and writngs that you are
familiar to. I expect you to use the proper Harvard method of referencing. I also expect this report on
my desk frst thing Monday morning.” What???! You see this right here is why I think this woman hates
me. I just zoned out for a minute. Sixty seconds! How am I supposed to know what Harvard referencing
is? And my savage period pains are not giving me any peace. I feel like screaming. She dismisses me and
I stand up to leave. I’m about to reach the door when she calls out, “And Miss Omar, if the report is
below par make no mistake you will rewrite it.” My only response to that is me banging her door. I’m
stll on the Ramadan fast so I go to the computer lab instead to research on the report. Fortunately we
have a free period before our last class which gives me enough tme.

I walk in class before the teacher for the next subject arrives and I let out a breath of relief. Banzi glares
at me as I make my way to my desk, I wonder what his problem is. Where have you been he signs
furiously. He must not try me, not when I’m PMSng nogal. oust as I sit our Physics teacher comes in and I
just know his lesson will be a drag. Again Banzi is hovering around me afer school, I roll my eyes. Don’t
you have friends and somewhere to be I sign at him. He shrugs his shoulders carelessly and grabs my
backpack. I’m startng to think he has a thing for my backpack. I admire his strength though how he
easily manages to carry my heavy backpack as well as his. He makes to take my hand but I remove it
quickly from his reach. I’m not his plaything he can just miss me with that side chick deal. I’m not dumb I
know something is going on between him and Lerato. He must not confuse me by holding my hand and
selling me dreams. I enjoy being with him because he’s the only person who takes tme to actually talk
to me rather than at me. But I must not confuse his aienton for anything more. He walks slightly in
front of me and I take that chance to admire his posterior. I must say Banzi has got the perfect bui. He’s
not like those boys who have nothing behind or have hips and a big bui. His is the perfect size and it’s
tght it doesn't wobble as he goes. He stops suddenly and I bump into him, my face fushes with
embarrassment. I wonder what has come over me to actually check out a guy's bui. I’m mortfed really
it must be these hormones messing with me. We reach the gate without me further embarrassing
myself I reach out for my bag and he shakes his head playfully but I sense that he’s nervous. “Not just
yet Freckle-face there’s someone who wants to meet you,” his lazy drawl sounds playful but I catch an
underlying tone of apprehension. Unease seiles in my stomach I can tell this is a big deal for him. But I
just want to go home and cuddle with a hot water boile maybe burn some incest and rest from my
aching tummy. He is giving me the puppy eyes and I begrudgingly follow him to his car. Banzi drives a
sports car I don’t know it’s name, I’m not into cars I prefer houses. I hope he won’t pull a stupid stunt
like introducing me to his parents. I ask for head phones, the noises on Fridays at Safari is on another
level. He takes them out of the dashboard and hands them to me in silence. He puts some Hip Hop song
on, I’m not really into Hip Hop so I zone out and look out of the window. I don’t know where we are
going but it says Park Town there are townhouses this side. I’m imagining how it feels to live in a town
house and drive yourself to school.

I must have zoned out again, I feel Banzi shaking me lightly. We are inside a townhouse complex, not
mansions but worlds apart from our room at Safari. I’m suddenly nervous and I don’t want to get out of
the car. He opens the door and literally drags me out of his car. He always treats me like one of his boys.
I glare at him and he chuckles sofening his hold and leads me towards the door. “Relax, will you?” easy
for him to say, he knows what lies on the other side of the door. Before we reach the door it’s sprung
open and a ball of energy fings himself at Banzi. Banzi let’s my hand go and catches him mid-air twirling
him in the air while the liile rascal laughs in glee. I can’t get over how loud he is and right this moment I
fnd myself in love. That he is Banzi's young brother isn’t in queston he is a younger lighter replica of
Banzi down to the dimple. When he’s had enough he signals for Banzi to put him down then he comes
to stand in front of me. I stoop low so that we are on the same eye level. His liile hands cradle my face
as if he’s imprintng my face in his memory. Then he dazzles me with his tny toothed full smile it’s
contagious I feel my face relaxing in an answering smile. He signs his name carefully L-U-K-H-A-N-Y-O,
the ferce concentraton on his liile face is so cute and I sign my name as well. A grin splits his face in
two and he signs that my name is as preiy as me. Lol I can already tell he’s going to be a ladies man like
his brother. Banzi has been standing there quietly watching the exchange between me and Khanyo. I
catch his eye and I see what suspiciously looks like tears in his eyes but he blinks and it’s gone. Khanyo
takes the opportunity to steal a smooch from me and Banzi can’t stop laughing. Banzi tries taking him
but its like Khanyo has become glued to my side. Like literally the liile munch is ted around my leg like a
vine. I indicate that Banzi should just let him be and he hufs clearly not amused. I wink at Khanyo and
he makes inaudible chaiering sounds. I can already tell that he is a beautful bubbly soul I’m smiien
people and seems like it’s mutual. I’m carrying Khanyo now as we enter the house. It’s beautful
decorated with a touch of artstry which is whimsical. Khanyo is now giving me a tour of the house
making his loud lovely sounds showing me family portraits. Banzi is sulking somewhere in the house at
the moment forgoien and neglected.

#Insert 5

"Paradise lies under the feet of mothers.” Prophet Muhammad

I’m woken from my sleep by muffled cries. I open my eyes warily one afer the other and peek out of my
blanket without raising my head. It takes a while for sleep fog to dissolve, I’m even yawning a bit. I
wonder if it’s morning yet it feels like I just fell asleep. It's stll the middle of the night maybe just afer
midnight and the light has been turned on. I see Nura hunched over the corner of the bed with a picture
in her hand. The sight chases any traces of sleep out of my system. I’m not sure whether to make her
aware that I’m awake and comfort her or feign sleep so as not to embarrass her. Then it hits me like a
lightening bolt. It’s my brother's birthday today, every year on his birthday Nura looks at his picture and
cries. She only has that one picture of him and he’s a day old and she’s holding him. I wonder what he
looks like now. He’s turning 4 today. She gave him up at birth more like she was forced to give him up. I
will tell you all about it some other tme, right now my best friend needs me. I get out of the covers and
go and sit next to her folding her in my arms. She looks at me, her beautful black eyes bloodshot and
muddled with pain. Her pain cuts me deep and I wish I could whisper words of comfort. She clings on to
my hand, clutching it painfully as she disintegrates into loud muffled wails. My hand hurts but I let her
be, wantng to feel and take away at least a liile of her pain. I don’t hurt as much as her because I never
saw him or held him. I was so naïve I didn’t even notce she was pregnant tll she told me that she had
given him away. You must think I’m exaggeratng or lying but Nura always wears a Chador which is a full
body cloak that fully shrouds her body. Even when she’s going to work, she only changes at her work
place. I hate the Chador it feels stfing and hot. I look at my Nura as she bowls her heart out, she seems
so vulnerable and so defeated and a lump lodges itself in my throat. I feel my own tears sliding silently
down my face. I wish I had met him, known about him and even held him but Nura explained that no
one was supposed to know of her pregnancy and she had done it to protect me. I never queston her
actons because she has always always had my interests at heart. The picture slides from her limp hand
onto my lap and I gaze at it too. Nura looked tred as she held him and gazed down at him. He has our
signature eye lashes. His eyes were shut oblivious to her pain, serenely sucking his tny fst. “I ask myself
everyday if he’s happy? Do they love him? What is his favorite dish? Is he bubbly? Does he cry at night?
They didn’t even tell me his name…” Nura's voice is laced with pain and it goes down on the last
sentence. I also wonder about him too. Who does he look like? Does he have my freckles? Can he talk?
All these questons and it hurts cause we will never get the answers. Never get to see him and be part of
his life. Nura cries herself to sleep and I tuck her in like a baby, wiping her tears away with a wet cloth.
She mumbles in her sleep letng out deep troubled breathes and an occasional whimper. I toss and turn
next to her it’s stll the middle of the night. It hurts me to see Nura hurtng like this, she’s my anchor and
when she’s hurt I feel lost. In my heart I whisper happy birthday brother, Kuma hilmami doono waligay (I
will never forget you.)

Somehow I ended up falling asleep and I wake up alone. Nura has long gone to work. I wonder how she
does it? Is she really so strong or is she breaking and withering on the inside. So you are probably
wondering about my brother right? I told you that my mother once worked for the Naidoos. She was
their stay in maid and they were generous enough to let me stay with her in the servants coiage. Mrs.
Naidoo was such a beautful soul, sof spoken with a twinkling laugh bright eyes which would never hurt
a fy or so I thought at that tme. She doied on me because she didn’t have children of her own. Every
chance she got she took me shopping, arranged for my tutoring. I always thank Allah for her charity
because it was only through them that I was able to learn how to sign and get an outlet of my thoughts
and emotons. She also made sure that I aiended the best school. Mr. Naidoo on the other hand wasn’t
as sweet, he was biier stngy man and I doubt he liked me much but he was besoied by his wife and
doied on her. Everything Mrs. Naidoo wanted she got so I got my best schools and her shopping trips.
They were well of. Second cousins twice removed from the Guptas, Mr. Naidoo always told anyone who
was willing to listen. Life was beautful at the Naidoos they didn’t really treat us like servants or garbage.
You can imagine my shock and dismay when one day afer school I found our bags at the gate and Nura
waitng for me seeming drained and defeated. She said she had been fred, I begged her to let me see
Mrs. Naidoo and apologize to her but Nura dragged me from there and that is how we ended up in
Safari. All this happened four years ago. Of course it took months before Nura opened up to me about
what happened. She said that the Naidoos had approached her and asked her to carry a baby for them
as Mrs. Naidoo was barren. She refused and then they threatened to send her to the authorites and
expose her illegal immigrant status. Stll Nura said she stood by her words. Then one night while she was
cleaning up for the night at the main house she said she felt someone push her roughly to the foor
while closing her mouth and then Mr. Naidoo had his wicked way with her while his wife watched.
When she told me I didn’t fully comprehend what she was saying. But thinking about it now I feel the
bile rise in my stomach. Of course I never told her that every now and again when nobody was there Mr.
Naidoo used to fondle my breasts and poke his fngers roughly into my kushy while playing with his
manhood tll disgustng gooey white liquid came out. It used to hurt so bad especially when he thrust
two or three fngers, I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. And he told me that if I ever told anyone he
would make Nura disappear. So I didn’t tell anyone. Even Nura. Back to Nura she said this happened for
a month at that tme I remember being excited that we were moved to the main house. I had no idea
that it was so my mother could be repeatedly raped tll they confrmed that she was indeed pregnant.
Defeated Nura asked for one thing in return that they fx my papers and hers in exchange for the baby
she was carrying. I feel responsible, maybe if I hadn’t been a special needs child, Nura would have been
able to stand up against the Naidoos. And there I was enjoying Mrs. Naidoo's bribes while my mother
was sufering in silence. The day Nura was discharged from hospital was the day we were kicked out.
Nura says at least they fxed my birth certfcate so I can learn like others and maybe I will get funding for
my tertary. I don’t want any of that if it comes at the cost of seeing my mother break down every year.
But what can I say? Except work hard to pay back this woman who has laid down her life for mine. That’s
the reason I so badly wanted to be an aiorney at one point, so that I can fght the Naidoos and get my
brother back. But who am I kidding, the law doesn’t care about me and Nura. No the law favors the rich.
There is no justce for the likes of us. Maybe I will be that excepton, cheat our fate. With renewed
determinaton I take out my writng pad and I begin my English report, for Nura and for my brother.

#Insert 6

Endless beeping sounds drag me from my sleep. Irritated to the core I take out my phone from under my
pillow. It’s my alarm I stretch myself ever so lazily. I wish I could sleep some more but I have to be ready
Banzi is coming to take me soon. Knowing that moron he is going to be blowing up my phone anytme
soon. On Friday when me and Khanyo fnally remembered him, we found him sulking in front of his
Xbox. He was poutng and for the frst tme I was totally honest with myself. Banzi made me feel things,
foreign things in the pit of my stomach. Could this be what a crush felt like? I have no knowledge of
maiers of the heart or in my case, stomach. And I really can’t ask Nura about this she will freak out. It’s
tmes like this that I wish I was normal, with a friend or two to talk to and sort through my feelings with.
I was preoccupied with these thoughts as I watched him play the game with Khanyo. They looked totally
adorable I sneaked taking pictures at them with their concentraton on the screen. I look at the picture
now and that feeling again seiles against my stomach making me warm and fuzzy, just how I imagine
Banzi's hugs will feel. Snap out of it! I admonish myself. I’m just confusing grattude with something
deeper. Banzi has been the frst of my peers to treat me as an equal, to make me feel like a normal
teenage girl. I must not jeopardize that. Because somehow I can feel it, being with Banzi in the way I
long for will burn me deeply. Why is he coming over on a Sunday? Well I showed him the report I have
to do and he promised to help me with it to type and with the referencing. He said he has helped his
mom do her theses, so he is familiar with it. Plus I don’t own a laptop. I don’t want to lie I was reluctant
to accept his ofer especially with whatever it is that I’m beginning to feel for him. But the arrogant fool
was insistent and now I have to rush before he comes. Yes he knows where I stay now, he forcefully
drove me home on Friday. I found Sbula at his post, I was so happy to see him and he gave me one of his
huge hugs which I found sufocatng at frst but they have grown on me. Banzi was watching and he was
pissed, I don’t know what his deal is because he hasn’t texted me since then except to tell me to be
ready by 9am last night. At least he stll wants to help me. I don’t understand Banzi one minute he's an
arrogant arse the next he's overbearing. But when he was around Khanyo he was gentle and I love that
Banzi. Not the controlling Banzi. I take more tme trying to fgure out what to wear. At least Nura is not
around, she would tell me, “Children of Adam, We have sent down clothing to conceal your private
parts.” (Soorat Al-A'raaf, 7:26). If my mom had her wish I would always be covered up from head to toe
because she doesn’t want anybody taking advantage of me. You see I have the body of a much older
person, not that I’m big or anything I just have curves, a generous cleavage accentuated by my tny
synched waist medium hips and a rather large bui. I don’t know who I take afer because my mom is
slender with smaller asserts. But today I just feel like going all out. I’m nervous, Banzi has never seen me
in clothes outside school. Usually when we wear clothes to school I’m that girl who is modestly and
drably dressed. I bite my lower lip in frustraton as I scan my rather limited wardrobe. I look longingly at
a navy blue silk sheer blouse that Amaka brought for me, from the brand clothes that her employers
give her every once in a while. We are strictly forbidden from wearing revealing clothes, shruhah
clothing. But I’m seriously tempted by this top, it’s divine with its intricate embroidery around the collar
and sleeves and the feel against my skin is cool and smooth. I say a short prayer of penance to Allah and
I take the blouse out. Now what am I going to pair this with? This is so frustratng I wonder how other
ladies manage to look like they just walked out of magazine covers every blessed day. I wouldn’t be able
to keep up, on any other day I would just pick the frst thing my hand lands on. Don’t ask me what’s
diferent with today, I just want to at least appear like a girl then maybe Banzi will notce me.
Exasperated by my own thoughts I just pick out the frst pair of jeans and a leather jacket for later in
case I come back late and Nura will already be home. I'm not about to be that girl who takes hours
dressing up to impress a guy but I must admit it’s exhilaratng. I only have fat shoes so that wont be
difcult. As I look at myself in the mirror I regret my choice immediately the jeans are high waist so I
tucked the sheer blouse in and all my curves are popping out demanding to be taken notce of. Let me
change into something else. I’m rummaging through my clothes when my phone starts ringing
insistently. Sigh, I answer the phone.

“If you are not down in the next fve minutes I’m leaving Farrah!” Afer clicking his tongue he abruptly
hangs up. How rude! But then I notce a number of texts that he’s been sending in the last ten minutes.
Slinging my jacket on my arm and my backpack on my other arm, I leave the apartment refusing to rush.
He will just have to wait.

I fnd him lounging on the hood of his car and suddenly my nerves desert me. His gaze is unwavering as I
check the road before crossing over to him, I feel naked from his stare. I wish I had followed Nura's
advice and worn a Burka instead. It’s the most concealing of all Islamic veils. It covers the face and body
completely leaving just a mesh screen to see through.
“You are late!” Banzi snaps at me barely looking at me once I get to him, then he gets into the car and
starts the engine before I even get to my side of the car. Wow! All that efort and he doesn’t even say,
“Hi Farrah, you look beautful today.” I get in and place my backpack in the backseat along with my
jacket. He is watching me impatently, I stare back at him unmoved.

“Fasten your seat belt,” he snaps at me. Ok I’m beginning to get pissed by his grouchy mood. I wonder
what his problem is, if he didn’t want to help me he should have just said so. I fasten the seat belt with
exaggerated care and he clicks his tongue again before driving of. Seems like today I’m hanging out with
grumpy Banzi. I ignore him and look through his IPod, I select Pink- ‘What about us' and play then I relax
into my seat. Banzi side eyes me but I’m past caring. I know I was late but he didn’t have to be so rude.
The rest of the journey to his place is passed in silence with me changing the music as I like and Banzi
sulking for whatever reason. Today he doesn’t open the car door for me or take my backpack and I’m a
liile hurt. I don’t queston my hurt for too long, I’m afraid to learn what it even means. I follow this
grouchy giant and before we even reach the door again it bursts open and Khanyo comes charging my
way. I’m forced to drop the backpack and jacket to catch him in mid air. He smells heavenly all pancake
and chocolate syrup. I kiss both his slightly stcky cheeks and he giggles sweetly. For a moment I’m
reminded of my own brother and I feel a pang which I quickly squash. Banzi has sofened enough to pick
up my backpack and jacket but he gets in and leaves me and Khanyo behind. Ok. I'm slightly taken aback
to fnd people in the living room. The last tme it was just us three but today it seems like the whole
extended family is here. I look for Banzi for some guidance but he is no where to be seen. They keep
quiet as I stand there awkwardly holding Khanyo who is clinging onto my neck, kissing my cheeks
contnuously. This is beyond awkward now I feel like they are waitng for me to greet them and I can’t
say anything. I can’t even sign with Khanyo in my arms. I’m lost, fustered and embarrassed. Then a
beautful lady, who looks like a cross between an angel and a goddess stands up and comes to me with a
wide smile, she hugs me which is a task because Khanyo just will not leave my arms. Her voice is sing-
songly if there is such a word but it perfectly describes it.

“You must be Farrah, my God you are so preiy! Lubanzi didn’t tell us how positvely gorgeous you are! I
am Azabenathi, but you can call me Nathi or mom!” Allah this woman can talk! I’m fashed and saved by
Banzi who has resurfaced and admonishes this angelic creature, “Mom! What did I say about
embarrassing me in front of my friends.”

“But I was only introducing myself since you lef this poor beautful girl out here alone. Come Farrah let
me introduce you to the rest of the family.” She retorts taking my arm. I have no choice but to follow
her.

“Dad do something!” Banzi whines to a man who looks exactly like him except for the dimple which he
got from Nathi. The man shrugs his shoulders, “Andizingeni.” The dad’s voice is a deeper version of
Banzi's voice it’s creepy how alike they are even their mannerisms. Nathi ignores them and she’s going
around with me while I’m stll carrying Khanyo. It’s a jungle I tell you and I’m overwhelmed.

“This is his father, Luvuyo you can call him dad,” I can only smile nervously at him and he also aiacks me
with a hug. Hugs seem to be a family thing though Banzi seems to have missed the family trait. Nathi
isn’t fnished yet.

“And these are the two grandmothers, his two uncles and their wives. These are his cousins Nonfundo,
Zuzu, Thabiso, Inga and his only other female cousin who isn’t here is Bongiwe. You have to know all the
female cousins so that he doesn’t pull a fast one on you!” I’m just smiling lamely next to her and giving
handshakes, most of them are warm except from the grandmother who looks like Banzi her handshake
was limp and cold and the cousin Zuzu she’s giving me the bitchy eye. Allah help me.

“Family lona umakot.” What?! I’m foored I know enough to understand what she just said.

“Mama!” Banzi tries calling her to order but Nathi laughs beautfully and gives me a conspiratorial wink.
I’m lef feeling fustered once more I can only gape at her in wonder.

“Can she even talk mos or she can only speak this Kwerekwere gibberish?” That from cold grandma and
Zuzu criiers, I don’t get this girl's problem with me. I don’t even know her.

“Mother enough!” Banzi's dad says angrily and it immediately becomes even more awkward.

“I think that’s our cue to go study.” Banzi rescues me taking an unwilling Khanyo and handing him to his
mother then he takes my hand and drags me out of that room. I have never been more grateful of being
dragged in my entre life. I hear voices as we make our way upstairs and I wonder what is being said
about me. It’s obvious the grandmother and cousin combo don’t like me. Tough I’m used to people not
liking me. Like it doesn’t phase or move me they will just have to deal with their dislike. At least his mom
and dad were more acceptng and I love how they treated me normal, she didn’t slow her voice or over
pronounce her words as if she’s talking to a retard. It was an ambush but am glad I met Nathi I think I’m
going to love her.

#Insert 7
"Whoever Allah wants good for him, he puts him to test. He puts him through difcultesi like a diamond
or gold that has to be burnt afer which anything burnt afer which anything bad from it is removed so
that what you have is the pure diamond or the pure gold.” (Bukhari Muslim)

I’ve always thought that people who complain about Monday or celebrate Friday surely have a social life
or even a life worth living. My days tend to be a blur one slipping seamlessly into the next day of
studying and going to school. It’s even worse for Nura, the weekends are the busiest tmes for her and
she comes home exhausted and weary. I fnd myself at school and in front of my English teacher's ofce.
I’m nervous and I hesitate outside her ofce sending a short prayer that my report is acceptable. Banzi
really did come through for me yesterday. We were holed up in his bedroom which has it’s own table
and desk, it’s own mini fridge and it’s own tv. I wonder how it feels like to sleep in your own Queen sized
bed with Egyptan coion sheets. It must be nice. I also wondered how many girls he has brought up to
his room and had his way with them on that very same bed. I may be inexperienced but that does not
mean I am naïve, Banzi has fuckboy wriien all over him. Anywhere we didn’t talk much yesterday he
was stll in his moods. We worked on my report he helped me twerk it and even suggested more
contemporary African writers that I had no knowledge of. I listened to the deep fbers of his voice as he
spoke of the great works of Chinua Achebe and his voice sofened as he read out ‘Song of Lawino' as if
he understood the pain of the scorned woman. Undoubtedly there is something sexy in knowledge, in a
man who knows his Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie from his Tsitsi Dangaremba. I had only sited mostly
South African writers. The family mostly lef us alone, that is except Nathi. She kept coming in with
snacks and refreshments. Asking if we needed anything tll her husband reprimanded her saying how did
she expect Banzi to even score a kiss when his mother kept cork blocking him. I turned a beetroot red
and that idiot was smirking and high fving with his dad. But besides that we worked steadily tll it was
tme for me to go home, my report printed out into four copies, two for Miss Ncube, one for me and for
whatever reason one for Banzi. Khanyo wanted to also drive me home, Banzi's face soured while his dad
found endless amusement in Khanyo’s determinaton. So I sat in the back with Khanyo who snuggled on
my lap and promptly fell asleep when the car started moving. Banzi insisted that I wear my jacket before
leaving the car even though it wasn't that cold. He had to stand and watch me tll I was in the foyer, he’s
such a dad at tmes. All these thoughts are a plight to calm down my nerves. Gathering my courage I tap
twice on the door and enter as I’m bidden. Miss Ncube looks at me over her rim glasses and holds out
her manicured hand. I hand her the copies and she signals for me to sit while she goes through the
report. My hands are beading with sweat and I keep wringing them nervously. She checks the
referencing and does a word count. Fortunately I know how metculous she is so I made sure the report
was the prescribed 3 000 words. When she is satsfed she says without even looking up, “That will be all
for now Miss Omar.” I let out a breath of relief at least she didn’t automatcally tell me to rewrite, I
know afer reading, she can stll demand a rewrite but for the moment I’m safe. I head to class my
footsteps lighter and more confdent.

I'm at home studying minding my own business as usual. Today was peaceful no one bullied me even
though Lerato kept throwing me evil glances but I guess she really is scared of Banzi. Speaking of Banzi
he's been blowing hot and cold lately it’s confusing. I wonder what his deal is. Speak of the devil he just
texted me.
“Farrah we need to talk.” That sounds ominous.

“Talk I’m listening.” I text back.

“I don’t like that security guard friend of yours.” I want to laugh only I feel ofended. Who does Banzi
think he is?

“K.” I texted back

“I’m serious Farrah that guy was all over you and he was looking at you yesterday like you are some
meat on display. Is that why you were wearing that revealing top?” The nerve! To think I wore that top
to impress him. I’m typing my reply furiously.

“You don’t get to dictate who is in my life and you have no idea what that security guard means to me.
So don’t even go there.” I wait for his response, he is online and he read my text. Why isn’t he typing
back?

“What does he mean to you?” I’m just fed up with this conversaton and I think I’m going to ignore his
texts now. “Fatma Farrah Omar don’t test me.” I stare at his texts and I feel all the anger, humiliaton
and fear of that night roll up in me. It’s hard to even breathe it feels like something has seiled frmly in
my chest and it isn’t allowing me to breathe. I clutch at my chest wheezing horribly tll I manage to get
my breathing under control.

“If you must know, he saved me from being raped.” I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that. But are there
really any nicer words to say I was aiacked and a centmeter from being degraded in the worst manner?
Afer I press send I switch of my phone. I’m afraid to see his response. What if he is repulsed by even
the thought of me afer what I just blurted out? A cold shiver goes down my spine. There goes whatever
chance I had of becoming Banzi's girlfriend. I sit on the bed my knees drawn to my chest and my chin
restng on my knees. My books forgoien as I try very hard to block out the memories. But the images
come fooding back, crowding my mind and sufocatng me. I’m not even aware that I’m crying tll I feel
Nura's gentle hands on my cheeks. I didn’t even hear her come in and I have no idea how long I have
been sitng in this positon. My mother seems broken at the sight of my tears.

“Farrah macaanto what’s wrong? Did anyone hurt you?” Her sofly voiced concern is my undoing and
the tears come gushing out and I silently sob in my mother's arms. She rocks me gently crooning some
inaudible song. “Hush my baby, Nura is here. Ma hilmami karo inay wax kugu dhacaan. (I will never let
anything happen to you.)”

#Insert 8

I’ve been ignoring Banzi the whole day. And he's been trying to get my aienton from throwing notes to
calling my name sofly. He even got in trouble with our Physics teacher. I haven’t switched on my phone
since last night. My head feels like a hundred bricks have been thrown inside it and my eyes are pufy
from all that crying last night. In a nutshell I feel and look like hell. During our lunch break I lef class with
the teacher and hid in the girl's room the whole lunch break. I jut cant face Banzi, I know I’m a coward
but I'm scared of what I will see in his eyes. His repulsion would kill me but even worse I fear seeing pity
in his eyes. As if being a mute isn’t enough I have to be the mute who was molested, though he doesn’t
know, and the mute who was almost raped as well. It’s the last period and I feel my anxiety levels rising.
I start packing before the teacher is done not that I’m even paying aienton to what he’s saying. But
Banzi is quicker than me before I even get up he has grabbed my backpack and is holding my arm while
dragging me from the class. All this he does with a straight face. Wolf-whistles and cat calls erupt
behind us in the classroom but Banzi pays no heed and drags me silently the steam coming out of his
ears. I know beier than to try escaping. He throws the bags in the back seat, and opens the door and
puts me inside even fastening my seat belt. When he closes the door to go to his side I see a chance to
escape. I scramble out of the car and run as fast as I can. But I’m not an athlete unlike him and I’m not
fast enough. He catches up to me and throws me on his shoulder like I’m a sack of potatoes. I start
pummeling his shoulders. By now it feels like the whole school is out watching this spectacle some are
even recording on their phones. oust great! Banzi puts me down and repeats the processing of fastening
my seat belt with exaggerated care only this tme he narrows his eyes at me.

“Pull another stunt like that again Farrah and I swear even God wont help you.”

I swallow the bile that rises in my throat. I sit anxiously as he gets in the car and drives of not saying a
word. I've never seen Banzi look this scary. He isn't heading to any of our respectve homes. He hasn’t
gone far when he pulls up in front of Braam park. He comes over to open my door and unfastens my
seat belt. I’ve turned into a statue he helps me out of the car as if I’m an invalid and leads me to a park
bench. I’m nervously chewing on my nails not looking at Banzi. He gently pulls my face up with his
thumb an stares deeply into my eyes. He isn't angry any more, I see concern in his eyes and an even
deeper emoton. One that I have only seen in Nura's eyes, love. I snap out of my wishful thinking to
notce he was carrying a fexible magnetc whiteboard and a mighty maker. I remember on my frst day
at High school I carried the same whiteboard enthusiastc at the prospect of making new friends. Naively
I imagined carrying out animated conversatons on my whiteboard. How wrong I had been, stupidly
wishful. It didn’t take me long to realize that no one wanted to talk to me or cared to hear my thoughts.
So I ditched the whiteboard and kept my thoughts buried within me. I never partcipate in class or even
raise my hand as I did on that frst day. On that day the class burst into laughter when I started scribbling
my answer on the whiteboard which turned out to be correct. Now I stare at Banzi as he scribbles over
the whiteboard his leiers measured and precise.

I Am Sorry I Was A oerk. I Had No Right Talking To You Like That!

Banzi has wriien on the whiteboard. I take it from him and wipe the leiers and start writng.

I Don’t Understand Why You Are Always Angry At Me.

I hand him the whiteboard and he reads then he wipes as well and writes for a short while and hands
me the whiteboard.

I oust Go Crazy When I see Anyone Getng Close To You.

I read the line twice and I’m confused. I look at his eyes and he seems sincere and nervous. He wipes
the slate again and writes. My throat immediately clogs when I see what he has wriien.

I'M SORRY I WASN'T THERE TO PROTECT YOU.

My tears cloud my eyes and I hear a sob, surprised by the sound I furiously blink the tears back and
watch in amazement as Banzi sobs. Deep, pain flled and heart wrenching sobs, he doesn’t hide the fact
that he's crying even as a couple passes and stares at him weirdly. I fnd myself crawling into his lap and
he holds on to me as deep sobs contnue wrecking his body. I feel the rapid rise and fall of his chest as
my tears fall silently. I feel lighter even as I cry today as if my cries aren't silent Banzi is making my pain
audible by sobbing on my behalf. Finally his sobbing subdued, he even has the hiccups and it's so cute. I
look up at him, his eyes are swollen and bloodshot. It hits me straight in my stomach, I am in love with
LwandleLubanzi. If I'm to tell our story years later I will say the exact moment I fell in love with
LwandleLubanzi was when he was sobbing with me on his lap. I'm wiping his tears with my hands while
he's wiping mine. We share an eye lock moment and I pull his face down to meet mine. He looks at my
eyes questoningly and I smash my lips into his full lips. For a split second he doesn’t respond then he is
slantng my head and I automatcally open my mouth. His kiss is slow and tender and salty from both our
tears. His hot tongue explores mine and I fnd mine dancing with his. I get that feeling again in the pit of
my stomach and I feel like swooning. I’m ofcially having my frst kiss and I must say on the scale of frst
kisses I'd score it a 10. This is way beier than my fantasies! It feels like our souls are connected with just
one kiss. The way he looks at me afer our kiss! Allah give me strength. He asks me what happened that
day. I hesitate as I look into his eyes but there is only concern in his stll pufy eyes. He chastely kisses me
on my forehead. I take a deep fortfying breath and start signing easily the events of that day to him. I
had gone to the spaza across the road at night because the one inside Safari didn’t have milk. As I had
crossed the street a group of guys had out of nowhere accosted me and dragged me to this dark ally
next to the road. I had fought with all my might but I wasn’t strong enough to fght them of and I
couldn’t even scream for help. One of them was holding me down while the other was dropping his
pants while the rest were forming a circle around us. Everything seemed to move in slow moton I was
about to be defled in a dark alley, group raped by these nyaope boys and I couldn't even uier a single
word. I can't sign to Banzi the despair and humiliaton I felt that day but I know he feels it too. Then I
heard what I assumed was an explosive only to learn later that it was a gun shot. The one holding me
down let me go immediately and the one with his pants down his knees tried scrambling up but he was
knocked of his feet by Sbula’s fst. Some blows were dealt his way the rest of his crew had run away and
lef him behind. Sbula then helped me up and straightened my dress. He explained that he got worried
when he saw those boys following me and knew was in trouble. I remember the relief that fooded me
and how I weakly clung to Sbula as he walked me home, he became my brother that day. Banzi has been
quietly aientve as I narrated my horror story. When I'm done he doesn’t say anything he just holds me
tghtly and I fnd comfort in his embrace.

WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT

BONUS INSERT

Nathi looked at her husband as he was undressing. It stll amazed her how afer all these years she was
stll turned on by the sight of his nakedness. But those muscles Thixo! She could only drool, he was and
had always been her tall glass of chocolate milkshake with extra whipped cream.

“Take a picture muntuza it lasts longer,” his deep voice cut across her lustul thoughts and she laughed
sofly. It was like he had eyes at the back of his head, she rolled her eyes at his arrogance that certainly
hadn’t changed.

“Roll your eyes at me one More Time muntuza and I swear I will fuck you tll your knees break.” Nathi
felt her pulse quicken at the husky promise underlying Vuyo's threat. Muntuza, that had been his
nickname for her ever since he had been 15 and she had been 12. Nathi could honestly say that she had
loved him from the frst day she had laid her eyes on him. Of course he hadn’t even notced her at all,
only seen her as the annoying liile sister of his best friend who was stll in Primary school then. Her
brother at frst thought her obsession with Luvuyo was cute tll she was in their high school and
following them around. Zuki, Her brother warned her against Vuyo because he was a serious player but
Nathi never listened. She fnally gave up though when Vuyo didn’t take any notce of her the whole year.
Then Qhawe, a guy one grade ahead of her, had asked her out and she had said yes. She doesn't know
how Vuyo got to know about her and Qhawe. One day she and Qhawe had been sitng in the
playground and he had leaned in for a kiss so had Nathi, taking care to close her eyes. Instead of the kiss
she expected she heard a thud and when she opened her eyes saw Qhawe on the ground with his hand
on his nose with Vuyo standing over him. Screaming, Nathi rushed over to Qhawe but Vuyo pulled her
up before she could touch Qhawe.

“You beier stay the fuck away from Nathi you liile fucker or I will make your life a living hell,” Vuyo
had ground out angrily. Then he had dragged her away crying to an empty class.

“Stop those tears Muntuza.” That made her cry even more, and he had taken her into his arms and
soothed her, she was to learn later that her tears were his weakness. When she was fnally quiet he had
lifed her chin and looked into her eyes then without any warning he swooped in and kissed here like his
last breath depended on it. She was stll rendered speechless by the kiss when he said curtly,

“You are mine Azabenathi, those lips are mine and mine alone. If I see you with another fucker there will
be hell to pay. Do I make myself clear?” She had nodded her head dazedly and that was how their
relatonship had taken of. Not that it had been easy. Vuyo was controlling and he had had girls claiming
to be his girlfriends and whenever Nathi had threatened to leave or dump him, he would cry and
threaten to commit suicide. Her brother hadn't approved of their relatonship he thought all Vuyo
wanted was to get into her pants. But he hadn’t slept with her tll her Matric Dance. Unfortunately she
fell pregnant, her father had thrown her out and she had to go and stay at Vuyo's home. His mother had
hated her on sight claiming she had bewitched her precious son and that the pregnancy wasn’t even his.
That had been Nathi’s lowest point. At frst she’s hid the mistreatment from Vuyo who was at Tertary
then in KZN. Till her brother found her heavily pregnant and busy scrubbing the toilet while her mother-
in-law was screaming insults at her. Vuyo had been breathing fre. He didn’t go back for his last year of
Actuary Sciences but looked for a job instead, fnished his degree via correspondence and found them a
place to stay. He had taken care of her even when Lubanzi came, they had learnt to take care of him on
their own. Their parents hadn’t helped them at all. Vuyo was the one who tended to her sttches, taking
care of the baby when he came from work so that She could go to night classes and supplement her
Matric. She had failed Math and Life Sciences due to the stress of being pregnant and chased away from
home. She had passed from his tutoring and he had enrolled her at UNISA to study Psychology anthe
rest as they say is history.

“Stop your day dreaming woman and aiend to your husband.” Vuyo's husky voice breaks into Nathi’s
reminiscing and she smiles at him.

“I know I'm sexy but staring is such a turnof” Her husband my have become mature with age but he
was stll the same arrogant fool who had hijacked her frst kiss. Nathi rolls her eyes. She quickly yelps
when Vuyo unceremoniously lifs her up and throws her into the cold shower in her nighte and gown.

“Hey! I already bathed Vuyo mahn,” She angrily said her teeth already chaiering from the cold.

“I warned you what would happen if you kept rolling those bewitching eyes at me. Now I'm going to fuck
you tll you cant walk.”

Without waitng for her response he crashed her lips under his and she reacted to his kisses as she
usually does, her nipples puckering from the cold and arousal. He tears her nighte along her gown
throwing them on the foor also turning of the shower. She's about to complain about her Gucci night
wear but he forestalls her with another searing kiss that ignites a fre deep in her loins. He picks her up
like she is a rag doll pinning her on the shower wall at his shoulder level and spreads her legs very wide.
Without any preliminary he spears her vagina with his tongue and she lets out a loud scream, feeling her
legs weakening. Vuyo is relentlessly lapping on her cookie jar like a cat going for a bowl of milk. His cold
tongue is doing magical things to her nether region. She feels her orgasm mountng and just when she is
screaming that she’s coming he stops and looks a her, his eyes tny slits of arousal. oust as she curses he
thrusts his tongue in her anal hole and she freezes. He alternates fngering her cookie while circling her
anal hole with his long tongue. oust when she’s reaching breaking point his tongue hits her spot and she
comes unhinged on his face. While she is stll spiraling from her orgasm he carries her out of shower stall
and bends her over the sink and buries himself to the hilt inside her. Incomprehensible moans fll the
bathroom as he literally fucks her tll her knees weaken. With each ram into her his fngers keep toying
roughly with her clit while his other hand is squeezing her breast. Her senses are overly stmulated and
she fnds herself begging him to stop and never stop. The pleasure is crippling and she fnds herself once
more building up to her big fnish and Vuyo is stll pumping into her like his life depends on it. Her
vaginal walls clamp hard on his manhood also tpping him over the edge and they come together in a
symphony of screams and guiural groans. When he let’s her go she is so weak she almost falls but he
holds her breaking her fall while openly laughing at her. He cleans both of them up while all she can do
is fght not to pass out. Her brute of a husband carries her to their bed and tucks her in. She immediately
falls into a deep sleep where his black eyes haunt her stll.

#Insert 9

"Your new life is going to cost you your old one.” Unknown

I wish I could say a lot has happened afer our frst kiss. That Banzi has declared his unending love for
me. Or that we are the new ‘IT' couple at school. Sadly that’s all that it is, my wishes. But a lot has
happened since that day, the video of Banzi picking me up like a sack of potatoes has gone viral
subjectng me to more ridicule. More stares and dramatc whispers as I go through the halls and
irritatng giggles. They say I’m way beneath Banzi and how pathetc that I think I can steal his heart. I
read the comments on the video. I only thank Allah that Nura isn't one into social media, this would kill
her. She made me promise that I wouldn’t date because boys are a destructon and I had no problem
making that promise because I found boys to be a nuisance. And none of them paid aienton to me
anywhere except now. It’s like the video opened foodgates of liile sweet notes, invites to partes and
just boys asking me out. While the boy I’m dying to go out with hasn’t said the magical words I need to
hear yet. I wish I could go back to the days of obscurity, of just being that invisible girl. Banzi, sigh. Banzi
on the other hand is aiached to me like a Siamese twin. He drags me around with him at school and
fusses over me. Once I spent like twenty minutes in the toilets just hiding out I found him waitng for me
outside the girls bathroom. Its freaking me out honestly. He has even appointed himself as my
chaufeur. The morning afer our heart to heart in the park, I was surprised to fnd him in the Safari foyer
having a deep talk with Sbula. It sounded like Sbula was threatening Banzi but when I got to them they
stopped talking and seemed to have a staring contest. He wouldn’t tell me what that was all about but
since then he picks me up in the morning and drops me of afer our study sessions. The best part of
studying with Banzi is that he has all the updated past exam queston papers plus he was really good
with sciences and math. He also explains at length and I actually get to tell him my thoughts. The only
part I hate about spending all my tme with Banzi is when he takes me to his friends. The frst day he led
me to their circle they had kept quiet and stared at me like I’m an alien. I felt uncomfortable and had
aiempted to turn back but Banzi wouldn’t let go of my hand. It felt really awkward then the friend who
stage whispered “Dude she is the dumb broad” the day my books hit Banzi made it even more awkward.

“You and the dumb broad dude?” I felt the anger rising but a part of me wanted to hear Banzi's
response.

“She’s mute not dumb nor is she deaf, her name is Farrah. You will respect her Loyiso. And it’s none of
your business, you dig?”

Not exactly the undying declaraton of love but I was happy that he at least stood up for me. Loyiso had
raised his hands in mock surrender and we had sat with them. Mostly when they talk they exclude me
from their conversatons and I'm just there feeling awkward. I asked Banzi why I have to sit with him and
his friends when I'm quite capable of sitng alone. He said I’m part of his friends now and he needs to
see that I'm ok at all tmes. So it seems like I’m stuck in the friend zone and I must say I hate it!

It’s a Saturday and I fnd myself at Banzi's home. He and Khanyo ambushed me this morning claiming
that Khanyo and Nathi missed me. I protested at frst when he texted that he was downstairs then he
video called showing me Khanyo's beautful face making puppy eyes and begging signs. So here I am. We
frst went through KFC to get Khanyo’s Krusher, Banzi also bought one for me too but we ended up
sharing it. Today the whole family isn’t here there is just Nathi and the evil grandmother. Nathi pounced
on me with a hug the moment I got in, her hugs are goals I think I'm addicted to them. She shooed away
Banzi and Khanyo, Khanyo sulks as he follows his brother looking so much like Banzi its cute. The
grandmother is harrumphing in disapproval and I ofer my hand for a handshake and she totally ices me
out. Nathi whisks me to the couch across her.

Don’t mind her she's a biier old woman, Nathi signs at me. I'm shocked and look at Banzi's grandmother
who is stll glaring at us. Then I look back at Nathi who has a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

She cant sign Farrah relax, Nathi signs again. I let out a sigh of relief.

She doesn’t like me, I sign at Nathi. She rolls her eyes and smirks at me
She doesn’t like me either, she said Banzi isn't my husband's child, another eye roll as she signs. Nathi
signs very quickly. It's fun signing with her and gossiping the evil grandmother with her.

No way Banzi looks just like his father, I sign back.

I know, she is crazy. She says Khanyo is like that because I am a witch! Nathi’s expressions as she signs
are priceless. At least I'm mute I would have long burst into laughter.

“What are the two of you talking about?” Banzi's grandmother asks and I jump thinking we have been
found out but Nathi is calm as she turns to her.

“Ma, Farrah was just saying how beautful you are. She says Banzi looks just like you,” Nathi lies bold
facedly and I try hard to keep my face straight and smile at Banzi's grandmother. The older woman clicks
her tongue and gets up to leave. We wait for her to safely get upstairs before Nathi breaks into endless
giggles.

“Oh Farrah me and you are going to cause so much havoc!” Nathi is squeezing my cheeks playfully. For
the frst tme I feel like a young and carefree teenager and Nathi feels like a friend.

That was fun, I sign at her and she smiles taking my hands into hers. She’s looking into my eyes with so
much warmth.

“I always wanted a daughter, my own baby girl.”

Those words remind me of Mrs. Naidoo and I freeze. All those unwanted memories food my mind
unwanted and I try blocking them out. I’m struggling to breathe. I hear Nathi’s voice coaxing me to
breathe but it sounds like it’s coming from a tunnel.

“Mama what’s happening to her?” that sounds like Banzi and he sounds panicked.

“She's having a panic aiack baby, help me carry her upstairs.”

I can hear everything but like in my dreams I feel like I'm drowning and sufocatng then it’s lights out.

#Insert 10

I wake up in Banzi's room. He's wrapped around me like a vine and he's staring at me. It's creepy really
but I stare back. His eyes look like he's been crying, oh my poor cry baby. We stare at each other for a
full minute communicatng with our eyes. Then he lowers his head, grazing my lips sofly, they feel dry
and I'm thirsty for his kiss. I open my mouth slightly and he takes advantage of that to kiss me properly.
Unlike my frst kiss this one has so much heat and I feel it all the way to my toes. Banzi is nibbling on my
lower lip and it feels so good, I feel his groan in my stomach. He tlts my head holding my face and
deepens the kiss. We are intertwined, its hard to tell where my limbs begin and where his end. I'm
clinging on to him my heartbeat is loud in my head, it feels like my heart is trying to escape from my
ribcage. I sink my teeth in his full lower lip and I hear him groan and he fips us over pinning me down.
Now I'm feeling all of him, his body is hard and surprisingly light on me he’s not pressing me down. I feel
something poking me in my ribcage, is that…? I swallow my saliva, Allah forgive me but I want to touch
him and feel what's poking me. I’m rescued from my sinful longing by the door being fung open and
Khanyo fying in followed by Nathi and Vuyo. Banzi swears audible and gets of me and cradles me from
behind, poking my behind with his thing. I'm mortfed I wish I can dig a deep hole and crawl inside and
bury my head beneath the sand like a camel.

“I told you she's getng some sexual healing,” Vuyo says laughing and my faces burns a deeper shade of
red. Nathi pokes him hard on his ribs. “Ouch Muntuza!”

Khanyo is my saving grace he scrambles onto the bed and gives me a huge smooch before wrapping his
arms around me and I bury my faming face in the hollow between his shoulder blade. Now I’m
sandwiched between Banzi and Khanyo.

“Looks like all my boys have my mad skills. Ouch!” Vuyo gufaws. He’s clearly deriving great amusement
from my embarrassment.

“That’s it! Everybody out of my room, don’t you ever knock?” Banzi's voice sounds sullen, he is sulking.

“It's my house kalok’ I open whatever door I feel like opening,” Vuyo retorts cheekily. I get where Banzi
gets his arrogance.
“Enough you two. Boys leave me and Farrah alone,” Nathi breaks into their argument.

Banzi protests but Nathi is adamant. He gets of from behind me and has to pry Khanyo from my neck.
Khanyo bursts into tears as Banzi carries him out of his room. Vuyo is stll standing by the door.

“You too Tatabo,” Nathi says to him and he scowls at her.

“I'm not a boy Muntuza.” Vuyo sounds like sulky Banzi and it's creepy.

“You're my baby. Please give us some space love.”

“I'll get you for calling me a boy,” Vuyo says and spanks her arse before leaving the room as well.

Nathi is blushing pretly and she comes to sit next to me. She gives me one of her warm hugs and I hug
her back and it feels like I'm home. She studies me a bit while smoothing my curls from my face. “You
gave us such a fright baby girl. Banzi was frantc with worry,” her voice is soothing I smile my
reassurance at her.

“Did someone hurt you Farrah?” She askes the queston while searching my eyes for an answer. I’ve
never opened up to anyone about the Naidoos before and I'm not sure I want to. I nod my head
reluctantly.

“You don’t want to talk about it?” She asks sofly and I nod my head again.

“I understand princess whenever you feel ready to talk, text me on this number.” She hands me a card. I
look at it it’s wriien Dr. A. Set-Lunika. ”I’m a trained Psychologist I can help you baby but only if you
want my help.” She answers my confusion. I put the card in the pocket of my jeans. She seiles next to
me on the bed and she starts telling me stories. I'm relaxed and genuinely enjoying her company.

So you and Banzi? She signs and I feel like I need to open up to her maybe she understands our situaton
more than I do.

I don’t know what we are, he’s just always by my side, protectve and we've kissed twice but he said I’m
his friend. I tell her and she nods understandingly.
He's just like his father. It took years and another guy almost kissing me for him to actually admit he had
feelings for me. Nathi signs

Wow, I’m lef speechless I don’t know if I can survive years of not knowing where we stand and I tell
Nathi that. She nods understandingly then signs,

Confront him. I know my son has a controlling nature but don’t allow him to bully you.

Talking to Nathi is fun, she’s open and free I feel guilty for my earlier panic aiack. Our girl talk is
disturbed by Banzi who announces that lunch is served. Nathi leaves frst afer kissing my forehead. I’m
about to follow her when Banzi closes the door and pulls me in for a kiss. I want the kiss as well but then
I remember my talk with Nathi. I wrench myself out of his arms and sign,

Friends don’t kiss.

Then I leave him with his mouth hanging open and I go downstairs.

During lunch Banzi keeps throwing looks at me and I ignore him and focus all my aienton on Khanyo.
The liile munchkin is as chaiy as his mother and he has my heart wrapped in his liile fnger. Banzi's
grandmother is the only sour one in the table but we are all generally avoiding her and enjoying
ourselves.

“It's bad enough my son was bewitched. Now I have to sit and share my meal with these people. As if
them taking our jobs isn’t enough.”

There is silence following the old woman's remarks and I see Nathi placing a restraining hand over
Vuyo's arm but he shrugs her of.

“I've taken enough of your shit mama. You haven’t worked a day in your entre life, what jobs are you
talking about? It’s not our fault that dad lef you for a younger woman from Malawi. He was probably
fed up of your biierness I know I am. You mistreated my wife while she was pregnant and under your
care! But Muntuza being the amazing person that she is took you in when you had no where to stay
when father chucked you out. I will not allow you to disrespect her and call her names in her own house.
You will respect her and whatever guests we choose to have. Or so help me God I will kick you out faster
than you can say Kwerekwere. Do I make myself clear?”

Angry Vuyo is intmidatng and I see the old woman shrink before my own eyes and she nods while
blinking back tears. Awkward silence seiles over the table and we fnish our lunch in silence, even
Khanyo is subdued. Afer lunch me and Nathi clear the dishes and wash them. She asks me to
accompany her to the mall and I agree. She gets her purse and we leave. She takes us to Rosebank mall
and drags me through shops. She even buys me a few clothes which I accept reluctantly. Afer we are
done I ask her to drop me of at home frst and she agrees. I’m just not up to going back to Banzi's home.
The apartment feels lonely since I spent most of my day with the Lunikas. I get a text from Banzi just as I
seile down to study.

Why didn’t you come back? I stll wanted to spend tme with you.

I read through the text twice then I switch of my phone. I am so done, I mean I am up to my neck with
Banzi's indecisiveness. And I'm done being bullied. I engross myself in my books.

#Insert 11

"Do not lose hope. Please believe that there are a thousand beautful things waitng for you. Sunshine
comes to all who feel rain.” R. M. Drake

I’ve kept my phone of the whole weekend and now I’m nervous about what's going to happen at
school. Yesterday Nura was of and I had the best tme with my favorite person. As her nimble fngers
braided my hair, she retold accounts of stories with customers. The funniest was of an Indian couple
who ate half of the meal then claimed there was a hair and cockroach in the meal so they were
demanding a refund. Then the child had piped in “But daddy that's our cockroach.” Nura sounded lighter
and happier. I wonder what our lives would be like had my father lived. According to Nura he died in the
ensuing civil war afer the demise of the Siad Barre regime. The civil war began in 1991 I read on the
internet. But Nura doesn't like talking about my father. Unlike Nathi who flled me in on how she used to
follow Vuyo around when she was just 12 and he was 15, Nura has never told me how she and my father
met. She never talks about his family which is my family, just that we lef Somalia soon afer his death. I
ask myself if my family ever accepted Nura and me, why haven't they ever look for us. So in my mind I
romantcize the idea of my father, the war hero. Seeing how Vuyo stood up for Nathi I felt a pang,
maybe if my father were alive Nura wouldn’t sufer so much. Being with them has made me realize what
is missing in my life. In my mind I sometmes picture him as a tall handsome man, loving to a fault with
endless hugs. He would call me bubba and I would be his liile princess. I wonder why she never
remarried though I'm not sure if they were married with my father. I bet she loved him so much and she
stll does that’s why its so hard to even talk about him or why she hasn’t moved on from him. If only she
told me his name I would look him up but I guess that what Nura is avoiding. I check my refecton for
the last tme on the bathroom mirror, I look preiy with braided hair. My face angles are more
accentuated and my eyes are drawn like those Korean eyes. I have to hurry, I’m catching a taxi to school
today I doubt Banzi will fetch me. Especially afer the stunt I pulled on Saturday.

I pass Amaka in the passage and she complains that she doesn’t see me anymore. I promise to come and
see her afer school. I start the labor of going downstairs bumping into those coming from night shif
and squeezing into those heading out to work. There is no rest in ooburg and for the frst tme I resent
Monday. I wish I Didn’t have to go back to school. Who am I kidding I am just dreading seeing Banzi. I
wonder when the elevators will ever be fxed here, the staircase takes forever. Finally I'm in the foyer
and I'm disappointed to fnd the creepy guard by the door. I ignore him and dart outside. I’m hit by the
chilly moisture outside, winter is upon us.

I immediately spot Banzi leaning on his car, waitng his eyes fastened on me from the moment I get out.
My heart fuiers in a mixture of excitement and fear. I’m excited that he came looking all handsome in
his red blazer, his hair cut metculously in a fade. But I’m also scared of what he will say. If I'm to be
honest I'm scared of rejecton. I nervously cross the street with his eyes stll on me. I’m brought back t
reality by car horns and curses from taxi drivers. Finally I'm in front of Banzi and he's just looking at me
as if he hasn't seen me all year. Then without saying a word he opens my door, I get in and he closes it
gently but frmly. Ok that’s a frst and it felt so good, like I'm important. A girl could get used to such
treatment. He gets in the car and starts it in silence then glides into the road smoothly falling into the
morning trafc rush. The silence is making me even more nervous an I take his iPod. Without even
checking I put the frst song on. Adam Levine’s voice flls the car, “Say say say, hey hey now baby,”

I’m mortfed at the song choice and conficted whether to let it contnue or change the song. Wouldn't
it be too obvious if I changed it? Too late Adam Levine is already crooning the chorus.

“Tell me, tell me if you love me or not, love me or not, love me or not?

I'll bet the house on you, am I lucky or not, lucky or not, lucky or not?

You goia tell me if you love me or not, love me or not, love me or not?

Been wishin' for you, am I lucky or not, lucky or not, lucky or not, lucky or not?”
Banzi is side eyeing me and smirking knowingly and I feel my face burning with embarrassment. The fool
starts singing along to the song and I stare out of the window. I must admit he has a smooth tenor and
it's doing things to my stomach. Finally we get to school. I'm about to scramble out of the car but Banzi
has auto locked it. I face him in exasperaton and he leans in and kisses me. At frst I don’t respond by
my traitorous lips melt under his heat. I know we've only kissed twice but it feels like I've come home.
I’m enjoying his smooth lips and my arms have wrapped themselves around his neck of their own will.
He takes his sweet tme aiacking my lips and I feel a diferent heat in my pantes. I even wet my pantes
a liile but I'm past caring all I'm feeling are his sweet lips on mine. He lets me go reluctantly, staring into
my eyes. His eyes are much smaller and red.

“I'm defnitely not your friend Freckle-face,” he whispers in a husky voice as his thumb outlines my lips.
He opens the car doors and I let myself out, my knees feel weak and for some strange reason Banzi
remains in the car.

I'm a jumble of emotons since morning. Banzi is seriously playing a number on me and I need to
concentrate because we are having double period of English. But I cant stop thinking of his lips and his
voice. What did he mean? So does that make him my boyfriend? I've been stealing covert glances at him
and he looks cool and unbothered while he just turned my world upside down. I just want to kiss him all
day, feel his rock hard abs as I feast on h…

“Miss Omar, my ofce right now!”

I am brought back by the crisp notes of Miss Ncube's voice and I look up to fnd her looking down at me
from above her thick rimmed glasses. Is the English period over? Oh Allah I'm in trouble again. Maybe
it’s my punishment for all the sinful longing I've been having. Banzi is smirking at me, obviously fnding
pleasure in my predicament. I drag my feet as I follow Miss Ncube's pette yet full-fgured frame to her
ofce.

“Sit.”

I do as I'm instructed and await my punishment. Miss Ncube takes of her glasses and rubs her eyes
wearily. She has such beautful big eyes and they have clear whites, I notce for the frst tme.

“Miss Omar what am I to do with you? Surprisingly for one so prone to zoning out, you are undoubtedly
my best student especially when it comes to essay writng.”

I don’t know whether to be faiered or insulted. She goes on with her speech.
“I handed in your last report for the UNESCO African essays competton and you have been selected
among the top 10 to give a speech in the Regional summit which will be held in Cape Town. The winner
stands to get a full scholarship to any university of their choice plus price money of course.”

I'm lef reeling. I don't know how to feel. Happy that my report ended in the top 10. Mortfed that I
have to give a speech. Does this woman forget that I'm mute or is this some kind of a sick joke? I look at
her and she's looking at me kindly.

“All those obstacles are just in your head Fatma. I know I'm always hard On you but that’s because you
don't seem to realize how phenomenal you are.”

I feel tears stng my eyes this is the kindest thing Miss Ncube has ever said to me. She hands me some
tssues and I dab my eyes discreetly.

“Here are the forms with the details on everything. All the best Miss Omar do not let me down. I expect
to have your speech before your exams.”

There is the prim Miss Ncube I know. How in heavens am I going to pull this of? Our oune exams are in
two weeks!

#Have a blessed Sunday fam�

#Insert 12

I fnd Banzi leaning on the wall across Miss Ncube’s ofce. His athletc body is taught with suppressed
energy like a jaguar on the prowl. He’s ofcially my stalker and he has got to be the cutest stalker in the
whole wide world. I pretend not to notce him and walk past him, he grabs my hand and pulls me to him.
I feel it again that heat, he leans close to me and I tlt my head in expectance. He draws so close I feel his
minty breath across my face. It’s warm and I feel heady in antcipaton. All the people walking around us
disappear into the background and its just us two in our liile bubble among the sea of passing faces. He
whispers close to my ear, “Stop drooling Miss Omar it’s not sexy.”

I huf, this arrogant fool. He chuckles and the sound goes all the way to my groin. I’m stll fustered and
he takes the opportunity to whisk the forms Miss Ncube gave me and read through them. I try snatching
them from him but he is taller than me and he holds them above my reach easily and contnues reading.
He let’s out a low whistle then he is swinging me of my feet and twirling me around tll I feel dizzy and I
beg him to put me down. Eventually he puts me down and I can barely feel my feet. He puts a steadying
hand behind the small of my back.
“Wow babe that’s huge, I'm so proud of you Freckle-face.” The excitement in his voice pulls at my heart
and what I say next hurts me.

I am not going to enter the competton. I sign at him.

He looks at me like I've lost my mind.

“Why Farrah?”

Because I am mute how am I supposed to give a speech, I sign sadly.

“So that’s it, you are quitng before you even try?”

I’ve never heard Banzi sounding so serious but what's the point really?

I'm going to lose anywhere, I sign back at him.

He’s about to respond when the bell cuts him short and we head back to class with him holding my
hand. It feels good holding hands with Banzi even among the looks I keep getng. I’m in no mood for
Mathematcs I just want to digest everything that has happened to me in the past couple of hours. But
we don’t always get what we want now, do we. I take my graph book just as the teacher comes in and I
seile down for my math lesson.

Afer school, I walk out with Banzi to his car but we are both silent, both lost in our own thoughts. He
opens the door for me and then fastens my seatbelt. I roll my eyes, I'm mute not an invalid. He goes to
his side of the car. He's heading to the park again today. When I get out of the car he stoops in front of
me, “Hop on.” I'm amused, there is no way I'm riding on Banzi's back. I try moving away and he growls,

“It’s either you voluntarily hop on my back or I sling you over my shoulder. Your choice.”

I swallow my saliva at the thought of being thrown like a sack of potatoes. I hop on his back and he holds
me in place by holding my bui. This pervert! I wiggle on his back and he spanks my bui lightly pinching
my lef bui cheek. I feel my vaginal walls clamp so hard I fear that Banzi felt it on his back. But he walks
on without making any silly comment and I fnally relax on his back. I’m beginning to enjoy the piggy
ride, it’s comfortable and he smells like sin. I inhale his scent and burrow my head on his shoulder
blades. He moves easily like I don’t weigh 54 kilos. The park is almost deserted and quiet, I thinks it’s my
new sanctuary. It’s not noisy and dirty like the park near Safari where there are always children
screaming on the swings. And at tmes you fnd disposable diapers thrown on the grass. Dogs would
have torn through them exposing the poo inside them. oust picturing the sight makes me gag. We have
reached our destnaton and Banzi sets me down on the park bench. The whiteboard is out to play
today. Banzi scoots me closer to him laying my feet on his lap while I watch him bemused.

What Are You So Afraid Of? He has wriien on the whiteboard.

I take the whiteboard from him and wipe away the words with my hands. Today he brought a blue-
berry marker and I'm tempted to put it in my mouth and taste it. It smells divine as I write.

I'm Afraid Of Rejecton.

He reads my sentence with a frown on his face before wiping it away and scribbling his response. I hold
my breath and chew on my nails as I wait for him to fnish.

Why Would They Reject You? You're Amazing Farrah. Is That Why You Won't Accept That I Love You?

I'm foored as I read what he's wriien. I can't believe my eyes so I read again and it’s therein his bold
handwritng. Banzi loves me. He loves me Fatma Farrah Omar. I feel like pinching my cheeks.

But You’ve Never Told Me That, I write back.

Half expectng him to say that he was just joking and to laugh in my face. He looks at me and frowns. He
puts the whiteboard down on the grass next to the legs of the park bench. He takes my now icy hands
into his surprisingly warm sof hands. He's looking into my eyes and I see it. His love for me is right there
in his eyes. Eyes never lie. I feel my breath hitch in my throat as I wait for him to say something.

“I thought my actons portrayed what's in my heart, Farrah I'm not good with words. I love you, that’s
why I always want you by my side. That’s why I get crazy jealous when I see you hugging some other
guy. That's why I wake up an hour earlier every day to drive you to school. I spend most of my tme in
class looking at you as you zone out, wantng so bad to kiss each freckle on your face. And that pet nose
which you wrinkle when you are concentratng and scrunch when you are mad. I love you that’s why I
showed you my family. You think I just let any girl into my inner circle? I love how your eyes always tell
me how you are feeling and how easily you blush. I love your intelligence how you don’t faunt what a
smarty pants you are. I love watching you smooch my baby brother even when it makes me so jealous. I
love how you are looking at me right now like I’m the only person in the world.”

I'm speechless and by the tme he fnishes tears are freely fowing down my cheeks, he tries wiping them
with the bui of his hand but they keep coming. There must be something about this park bench which
brings out our tears. He kisses me slowly and deliberately and I feel his love, I taste it in the sure strokes
of his tongue. I kiss him back with as much ferocity, baring out my soul and all my love in my answering
strokes. Our heartbeats are in synch and sound like one loud heart beat. I’m now on his lap holding on
to the lapels of his blazer while he holds my face in place, cradling it in his hands and he deepens the
kiss. I'm lost in his embrace and I feel glorious. When he fnally lets go I take greedy gulps of air to clear
my giddy head.

“So does that ofcially make you my heart?”

Allah the way he is looking at me while bitng his lower lip will be the death of me I swear. Suddenly I
feel shy and I cant look him in the eye. He tlts my chin up forcing me to look at him and all I can do is
nod with a huge smile on my face. He kisses me again and I have never felt more alive.

I get into Safari feeling Banzi's eyes on my back and I feel warm inside. I turn and blow him a kiss, he
catches it and dramatcally places it on his heart. I cant stop smiling, I'm foatng through the stairs I
don’t even feel the nine foors today. I even kiss Amaka on the cheek that’s how happy I am. As I let
myself into the apartment, I'm met by a resounding slap which leaves my ears ringing. Through my misty
eyes I look at Nura as I nurse my burning cheek. I even smell blood. I cant believe she just slapped me.

“What is this Fatma? You come home late smelling of a man. So you are sleeping around now?”

Her voice is so angry its even shaking. I look at the clothes she's holding in her other hand. These are the
clothes that Nathi forced me to take when I accompanied her to the mall. Shit just got real.

#Insert 13

“Once you've accepted your faws, no one can use them against you.” Tyrion Lannister
For the frst tme in My life I wish I owned make up. I wince as I look at my swollen eye, its slightly cut
from Nura's rings. There is a slight shiner just underneath my eye and it doesn't look good at all. I curse
my translucent skin, it bruises so easily and makes it look worse than it really is. How am I going to hide
this. My eyes are pufy from lack of sleep. I look dreadful, I'm even tempted to ditch school today but
with our exams coming next week I can’t. I push every thought of what happened last night to the box in
the back of my mind. I pick my backpack and make my way out of our room and lock the door. Today I
can barely look at Amaka. Oh how the mighty have fallen, I think biierly. Sbula notces my eye and asks
what happened but I brush him of. I fnd Banzi waitng for me with a huge grin on his face and I feel a
liile beier. He looks at my face and his grin falls of to be replaced by an ugly frown in such speed that
had I not been feeling down, I would have found it comical.

“Farrah what happened to your eye?”

I ignore the controlled anger in his voice and let myself into the car. I hear him swear and see him from
the rearview mirror kicking the wheels of his fancy sports car. I watch him as he gets into the car and
instead of startng the engine he looks searchingly at my face and when his gaze falls on my eye, he
tghtens his grip on the steering wheel.

“Dammit Farrah who freaking did this to you???!”

The force with which he says this and how he bangs his fst on the dashboard startle me. And for the
frst tme since I was welcomed by Nura's slap last night, I cry. Huge fat tears roll down my face and I
wonder why they didn’t fall while Nura yanked me into the room and threw me on the bed. I had never
seen my mother with so much anger. I tried explaining that Nathi bought me those clothes from Foschini
and that had earned me another slap. That tme blood had gushed out of my nose in a nose bleed but
stll tears had forsaken me. I let it all out the hurt, the anger and the humiliaton. I hear Banzi swear
ferociously then I fnd myself on his lap.

His warm familiar scent breaks down the last of my walls and the foodgates are fully opened. I cry as I
remember the shock on Nura's face when my nose started bleeding, the instant remorse. I remember
how she reached out to wipe my nose but how I had recoiled from her. She looked liked someone had
thrust a sword through her heart and twisted it to the hilt. I locked myself in the bathroom pinching the
bridge of my nose while my head was under the tap and water washed away the blood. Stl I hadn’t
cried but here I am now unraveling on Banzi's white shirt. Nura banged on the door sobbing as she
pleaded with me to let her in, saying she was sorry and she wanted to talk.

I ignored her as I sat with my knees curled to my chest. Finally she stopped banging on the bathroom
door and I heard her sobs but I stayed in the bathroom tll the early hours of the morning. When I came
out I found Nura curled into a ball in front of the toilet fast asleep. I took a blanket and wrapped it
around her before aiemptng to sleep myself.

Finally my tears are spent and Banzi cleans me up, I can see this is hard on him and I feel like if I tell him
the truth he and Nathi would blame themselves and I don’t want that. So I tell him half the truth that
Nura freaked out because I came back late smelling of his perfume. As I thought he blames himself, his
face is an open book, to me anywhere. I look at his shirt that's now crumpled and wet. I feel bad, I
ruined his shirt. He fnally drives of to school, I’m sure I look even worse now. But I feel beier, he drives
while his other hand is clasping mine and he keeps caressing it and squeezing it.

We're late by the tme we get to school Lerato is already by the gate. oust fipping amazing! Banzi seems
chilled, it's easy for him because he's the head prefect as well while I am a mere student. There was a
rumor that I was elected for prefect but because of my “unique conditon” they couldn’t really place me
as a prefect. I got over it.

As soon as Lerato saw my eye she finched and then she was taking my hand.

“Where do you think you are taking my girl?,” Banzi doesn’t sound pleased.

“Relax Lwandle, I'm not going to hurt your precious girlfriend,” Lerato's voice drips of sarcasm.

I'm reluctant to follow her but Banzi gives me a reassuring light peck on the lips.

She knows beier that to mess with what’s mine, he signs at me and I nod my head reluctantly.

I follow Lerato to the girls’ toilet where she takes out a small pink bag, puts it on the sink counter and
urges me to lean on the counter. From the bag she takes out some spirit and coion.

“This is going to stng a bit but I need you to relax, ok?” I nod back at her, this is the frst tme that Lerato
is actually talking to me not at me. Trust me there’s a diference.

She gently rubs the spirit on the light cut and over the shiner. She does this with easy precision like she's
done this before countless tmes. I would ask but I doubt she can sign and just because she’s being nice
to me now doesn't change that she hates my guts. She takes out some boiles from the small pink bag.
“We'll frst put some foundaton and then some concealer on that shiner, also under those eyes of
yours. oust a touch of powder…” her voice trails of as she applies mascara on my eye lashes. She
compliments my curly lashes and I smile wanly at her. I let her do what she’s doing while I examine her.
Lerato is preiy, she is lighter than me with big eyes and a pouty mouth which she has pursed in
concentraton as she does my make up. She’s really beautful when her face isn't scrunched in hate or
disgust. I wonder what her story is. Nura always says that every one is fghtng a baile we don’t know
about and some lash out to the wrong people so we should be kind to everyone.

Lerato is done and she turns me around to face the mirror. Oh my! I can barely recognize myself, my
freckles are hidden and my eyes appear larger, the bags under my eyes and the bruises are artully
hidden. I beam at Lerato, she saved me from having to answer too many questons. She smiles back at
me briefy and starts to pack her things into her bag. I wait for her to fnish and we leave.

We fnd Banzi waitng just outside the bathroom door and he seems anxious. He stares at me his mouth
slightly ajar and I feel warmth spreading through my cheeks. Lerato clears her throat burstng our small
bubble. Her sour look is back.

“Thank you Lerato,” Banzi doesn't sound that grateful there is something that is defnitely going on with
these two. I'm not sure I want to know what it is.

“You owe me Lwandle,” Lerato retorts then she leaves us. We missed assembly so we head straight to
class and fnd that everyone else is stll at the assembly. Banzi wastes no tme and kisses me gently. Then
he's looking down at me and I'm tltng my head to stare up at him.

“Hey girlfriend,” he says that while smiling cheekily down at me. I wish I could speak and give an equally
cheeky response like Hey boyfriend. But I can't, so I seile for a cheeky grin instead.

“Have you started on your speech?” I swallow some saliva before I shake my head in the negatve. He
immediately frowns and sits me down on his desk.

“Why Farrah? Do you know how many people would kill for this opportunity?” I want to retort Yes dad,
but I know there is truth in what he's saying.

How do I deliver a speech I can't even talk Banzi, I sign to him.

“First of all you can communicate even though you don’t speak like me but you can communicate.
Secondly it's not about how you deliver your speech but what you are delivering in your speech. Thirdly
the girl I love who had my heart the frst tme she took the frst positon from me, she doesn't give up
without even trying. Yes you are a mute Farrah, so what?” he sounds so sincere and he's looking me
straight in the eye.

My heart melts at his words and it's beatng excitedly. I always thought that Banzi didn’t know of my
existence before I bumped into him with my books but it seems like I was wrong. I make my decision
there and then. I’m going to give the speech my best eforts and depend on Allah's bakara to see me
through.

#Insert 14 (late I'm sorry)

It's the end of school and I feel tred. I spent all my free periods researching for the speech, and Banzi
hasn’t been following me around like a lap dog. I miss him though. It’s funny I think he’s grown on me.
He had rugby practce today so I went to the library afer classes. Afer an hour of studying I feel restless
and on a whim I decide to go check out my boyfriend. I love the sound of that, my boyfriend the rugby
captain. I make my way to the rugby feld and I fnd him shoutng something at his team mates and then
they were running around the feld tackling each other for a ball. I've never understood rugby or any
other sports for that maier. But Banzi makes sweatng over a ball look so sexy.

There are a group of girls cheering them on, I envy those girls. I sit quietly on the side lines eyeing my
baby. He makes everything seem so easy, even tackling a guy twice his size. Right now I’m craving his
lips so badly, it’s actually physically painful.

The he lifs his t-shirt to wipe his face. Yerrrrrr Allah give me strength! His taut tummy is divided into 8
abs with a smaiering of hair making a beeline towards the V in his pants. I wonder if those abs will feel
hard under my hands. I hear girls screaming and swooning but I’m focused on Banzi and his physique.
Too soon he puts his t-shirt back in place but the planes and contours of his toned stomach is imprinted
in my mind. I have to cross my legs because of the feeling down in my pantes. All this is foreign to me
but it feels so right.

I've zoned out because I'm brought back to reality by Banzi snapping his fngers in front of my face. I'm
so embarrassed because I was just lustng for him and my traitorous cheeks heat into a fery red. He
grins like the devil himself and the heat intensifes.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

He must think I'm a stupid fool if he thinks I'm going to tell him that I was drooling over his abs. I break
eye contact with him. Bad move. He takes the chance to smash his lips on mine, nibbling my boiom lip
tll I sofen and succumb to the onslaught of his lips. He tastes of sweat and all musky masculinity.
Remember I've been craving his kisses. I fnd myself kissing him back with just as much hunger and
wanton abandon.

“Get a room you two sies!” Loyiso's annoying voice breaks the spell of Banzi's kisses. I hide my burning
face on Banzi's neck inhaling his salty scent.

“Voetsek wena Loyiso,” Banzi growls at him.

Loud laughs and whistles erupt, it sounds like the whole rugby team is surrounding us. There is no way I
am lifing my head from Banzi's neck.

“She can't even raise her face, we want to see who you are swapping spit with,” a voice pipes up and is
cheered on by the rest.

Banzi tells them to fokof then he wraps my legs around his waist and picks up my backpack. He carries
me to his car with my face burrowed on his neck.

“You can stop hiding now it's just me and you,” his voice sounds like he's laughing at me. I raise my face
cautously, when I'm satsfed that we are alone I punch him on his chest.

“Ouch! What was that for?”

I shrug my shoulder elegantly in response, he clicks his tongue and lowers me to the ground. I let myself
into his car and he gets in his side and we both wear our seat belts. Before startng the engine he
glances over at me. I look back at him.

“I miss your freckles, I hate how this make-up is hiding them,” I feel my face faming again, this guy.
He ask me how far I've gone with the speech I tell him about my research and which angle I am taking.
He wants to go change at his place before taking me home. I check the tme it’s jut afer 4 so I guess it
won’t put me in too much trouble.

We're in his room now, the house seems deserted we didn’t bump into anyone. We've been alone
together before but today I'm suddenly nervous. What if he expects us to have sex? I know we've been
kissing like banshees and I even initated the frst kiss. But I'm not ready for that step. I doubt I will ever
be ready before marriage. Will he agree to abstain? Will he leave me for someone willing to give him
what he needs? These confictng thoughts crowd my mind and even my heart is trying to escape from
my ribcage.

“Farrah baby are you ok?” Banzi's voice sounds concerned I snap out of my depressing thoughts and
smile weakly at him.

“I'm going to take a shower right now, wanna join me?” he asks while bitng his lower lip.

I feel my breathing paiern change, Banzi rushes to my side.

“Breathe Freckle-face I was only teasing. Babe come on breathe with me,” he's taking slow measured
breaths and I imitate him tll I'm able to breathe on my own. I'm embarrassed what kind of a person am I
? He must be asking himself where he got this weirdo. I don't even notce that I'm crying tll he brushes
my cheeks.

“Hey, look at me Farrah,” I look into his beautful black eyes and I feel much calmer.

“We just declared our feelings for each other and I’m not so much of a jerk to expect you to do anything
you are not comfortable with. Ok?” Banzi's voice sounds sincere and I nod my head convincingly.

“Now go wait for me in the dining room because being with you in the same room is too distractng.”

I don't need to be told twice, I skit out of the room and he laughs at me. His sexy laugh is annoying. I
fnd Nathi coming in with Khanyo. I'm guessing she just took him from daycare.

She looks like a dream in fied white blazer which is synched at the waist with a cute bow in front.
Underneath it she's wearing a navy blue and white dress, with a white straight collar, the top part is
navy blue with tny pearl navy blue buions. It’s also synched at the waist with a tny cute belt and then
slightly fared in its white boiom which has elegant navy blue fower paiern at the boiom. She paired
her outit with navy blue and black strap gladiators, it’s amazing how she’s walking so confdently on
such high heels. I wish to be like her when I grow up. Poised, sophistcated and elegant. Her pette frame
is fames.

Afer Khanyo fnally let’s go of me Nathi engulfs me in a warm hug. I love this woman's hugs people. She
smells of expensive understated perfume.

Khanyo go upstairs and change, she signs at her younger son and he pouts as he drags his satchel
upstairs. He’s so cute when he's poutng just like Banzi.

“Baby, Lubanzi told me about your competton in Cape Town. I'm so excited for you!” another hug, “So
we were already planning to go to Cape Town for the school holidays. Why don’t you come with us?”

Of course they would own a beach house in Cape Town! But there is nothing conceited in the way she
say it as if she's mentoning having a shack in Diepsloot. I'm excited at the thought of spending my
holidays by a beach house next to the Ocean. I’ve only ever been in land locked places. Then I remember
Nura. There is no way my mother is going to agree.

I don’t think my mom will let me, I sign truthfully to Nathi. She waves my concerns aside.

“Leave her to me, I can be very persuasive.” Clearly Nathi doesn’t know Nura as well as I do.

“oust tell me when she’s of from work and I will come and sweet talk her.”

All I can do is nod I doubt Nathi ever takes no from anyone. She asks me why I've never texted her and I
promise to text. She compliments my make up and I don't enlighten her on why I'm putng on make-up.
She’s easy to talk to, she’s even taken of her heels and has curled her feet underneath her. She looks
like a 16 year old not the mother of Banzi's big head. I wonder how she carried two boys in her tny
frame. I ask her and she laughs her sweet laugh.

As for Banzi I had to get seven sttches because of his big head, she signs at me her eyes twinkling. I
doubt she is telling me the truth but I fnd myself grinning back at her.
“What are you two gossiping about?” we jump in guilt as we turn to see Vuyo standing by the door.

I'm stll freaked out by how alike his voice is to Banzi’s. He comes in and kisses his wife deeply and all I
can do is watch admiringly. That they are madly in love with each other isn’t questonable. It just
radiates from how they look at each other. Banzi comes down just as they are stll tongue ted.

“Eeeeuw could you guys tone it down or get a room!”

It’s an inside joke because the parents laugh and Vuyo retorts, “It's our house we get to kiss in any room
we want.”

I wish I could stay with them forever, listening to their back and forth banter. But I have to go home to
my angry mother.

#Insert 15

"You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But stll, like air, I’ll rise.” Maya Angelou

I haven't seen Nura in days and I miss her. I'm not even angry at her anymore I just want to see her and
assure her that I love her and I know she was looking out for me the best way she knows. She comes in
preiy late and fnds me asleep. I doubt she sleeps much because in the mornings I wake up to smells of
my favorite dishes. On Wednesday I woke up to the mouth-watering aroma of my all tme favorite, roast
chicken served with chick-pea studded rice pilaf. She even made desert, the luiqamat, a buiery, syrup-
sweetened kaidif noodle pastry flled with cheese. There was a note next to the food. It readi

My darling Fatma

Forgive me cara for losing my self-control especially during Ramadan.

Not only have I wronged you but I have also wronged Allah.

Wax kasta adigaan ka jeclaahay (I love you more than anything.)

Ma ogolaan karo inay wax kugu dhacaan (I can't let anything happen to you.)

Love

Your Nura

Oh my lovely Nura, that leier touched a part of my heart. You see to us Muslims, Ramadan is the tme
to practce charity during that tme of spiritual refecton, improvement and increased devoton and
worship. More than any other tme of year this is when we are most required to practce self-discipline,
self-control, sacrifce and empathy to the less fortunate. All this Nura taught me, even though we
haven’t ever been to the temple for as long as I remember but she teaches me everything and makes us
study the Quran regularly.

I went with a packed lunch to school that day and Banzi ended up eatng more than half of my lunch. He
especially loved the luiqamat and the way he gobbled it down all I could do was stare in bemusement.
So from that day I pack lunch for two. It's a Friday and Nura has prepared her specialty lamb stew with
wheat berries. I wonder if Banzi will like it. He asked me if I could also cook like Nura because he would
expect a home cooked meal everyday. I told him he should hire a cook then. Cooking doesn’t come pre-
installed in a vagina and I for one hate cooking.

I take my stuf making sure I didn’t forget my speech, I have to give it to Miss Ncube frst thing in the
morning.

My chariot awaits downstairs and my dreamy chaufer opens the door for me with exaggerated care
even a tny well-executed bow. I fnd myself grinning like an idiot. The moment he gets in the car, Banzi
pounces on my lunch bag. He's been doing this since yesterday. As he's about to pick a piece of lamb I
hit his hand but he takes the piece regardless and promptly pops it into his mouth. See what I have to
deal with now? He didn’t even greet me or give me my morning kiss.

He's enjoying the lamb, he even closes his eyes as he chews. A look of pure bliss on his face. I wonder
why I was even worried. This fool loves food, apparently more than he loves me. I huf and his eyes snap
open. He has tny gravy traces on his upper lip, I lick it clean only to be confronted by a tortured and wild
look in his eyes. It's dauntng. I feel my breath hitching. He pecks me chastely on my forehead, says
“Morning Freckle-face,” and starts the car leaving me wantng more. I sulk all the way to school.
School is almost over when a fresh faced grade eight student interrupts our Physics teacher as he tries
to explain what quantum physics means. Is it me or all Physics teachers have slow lullaby voices? I was
even dozing a bit when she came waltzing into our Physics lesson. Meneer does not seem pleased at all
about the interrupton. His whizzing voice sounds annoyed, “Miss Omar report to Miss Ncube's ofce
afer your last lesson.”

I wonder why he smokes, surely him being a scientst means he knows more about the dangers of
smoking. I'm suddenly anxious, what if Miss Ncube didn’t like my speech or what if UNICEF called her
and told her they dropped me. I paid even lesser aienton to my physics lesson than I normally do.
What seemed like half a century later, Meneer was packing his bags and I stood up to make my way to
Miss Ncube's ofce. Afer a curt “Come in,” I let myself in and hover next to her desk tll she tells me to
take a set. I know beier now. Once I sat down without her permission and she made me go back and
knock fve tmes and wait for her to give me permission to sit.

“Miss Omar I went through your speech,” she poses as she picks up the copy of the speech. “Your
writng is impeccable as usual but I feel like it lacks depth and feeling. Do you understand what I'm
saying to you?”

Of course I didn’t understand I poured my heart into this speech. Instead of retortng that, I shake my
head politely. She sighs and takes her glasses of and massages her eyes. She seems exhausted. And that
reminds me of Nura.

“Tell me Miss Pram do you identfy with South Africa as your home?” her voice is sof yet prodding.

I consider her queston and she hands me a notepad and a pen.

Honestly South Africa is the only home I know but I'm reminded that it's not my home every day. I write
and hand her the notepad.

She reads and seems thoughtul,

“Then maybe you should write what you identfy with and give me the speech next week Friday again.”
I'm frustrated but I nod my agreement and she smiles briefy at me then she dismisses me. I bump into
Lerato and her goons in the corridor and I try to change directon but it's too late they've already seen
me.

“My my, if it isn't the man snatcher,” Lerato's voice is a sneer and I just want to go but they block my
path and I have no other opton but to stay and listen. How does one snatch a full reasoning human
being though?

“Listen here you Twerp. Banzi might be fascinated by you right now with your liile purity act but trust
me he will get tred. Then he will come back to me because I know how to satsfy his needs. Fully.” She
smacks her lips as she says the last words and I feel bile rising in my throat. Her goons tier and laugh
those high pitched annoying laughs. They probably watch too many American High school movies.

“So enjoy him while you can sweete.” With those fnal words they let me go.

I will not allow myself to be intmidated by Lerato's dramatcs, its clear she’s stll pining over my Banzi.
Whatever they had is in the past and I stfen my spine and upper lip.

But you know she’s right, Banzi might be cool with your amateur kisses for now. But he's young and
virile, preiy soon he will want more. Which you cant give to him then he'll go running back to Lerato. A
sneaky voice whispers in the back of my mind sending shivers down my back. I shrug the voice of but
it's lef me feeling some type of way.

Banzi comes up to me carrying our stuf and unexpectedly gives me a huge hug. oust what I need, I
snuggle into his embrace and I wonder how I'm going to feel if he ever leaves me. He tlts my face to
look into my eyes afer breaking of the hug.

“Are you ok? You look a liile sad,” the concern in his voice is almost my undoing.

Snap out of it, I chide myself. Lerato was just playing mind games with me and I shouldn’t allow her into
my mind.

I'm fne, just disappointed because Miss Ncube said I should start over, I sign at him.
He looks into my eyes as if searching for the truth but I keep my gaze impassive. He seems to buy my
half-truth.

“Then lets start researching, there's free Wi-Fi in the park,” he takes my hand and starts leading me to
his car. Oh Allah please guard my heart.

#Insert 16

I wont bore you with details about how the exams have been going. Some exams I'm certain I aced and
some made me wonder what the hell have I been doing with my life. So far though, its safe to say your
girl hasn’t disappointed yet. I'm not one of those who come out of an exam wailing while certain that
they got almost everything correct. I fnd that to be very deceitul.

Plus this tme around I have a lot riding on these exams. No like literally, Vuyo and Nathi had a bet on
whose going to have the overall higher mark between me and Banzi. They each placed R10 000 bets and
the winner takes all and hands it over to their betee if there is even such a word. I've never worked
harder, I want to make Nathi win. Banzi complains that ever since he introduced me to his family his
mother and brother love me more than they love him. I'm just enjoying all the aienton.

Nathi is helping me with the speech and she is so excited. Me and Nura have the best relatonship but
because she ofen has to hold down 2 to 3 jobs at once, we barely spend enough tme together.

Speaking of Nura we fnally had our heart to heart, she apologized for assuming the worst from me. And
I apologized for keeping the clothes from her. She wants to meet Nathi and that brings us to today. I'm
so nervous. I really want to go to their beach house with them. I did tell Nura about the competton and
she cried. That's just how overwhelming my news was to her, and she couldn’t stop kissing me all over
my face. I didn't tell her about me and Banzi though, I know Nura would freak out at the thought of me
datng. I might as well kiss Cape Town goodbye. I don’t want be too excited about it yet but I really hope
that Nathi can work her magic.

I stare at the tme again, it’s a quarter to twelve. Nathi said she would be here at twelve. I’ve cleaned the
room thoroughly twice already and kept straightening the cover and pillows tll Nura said I was giving
her a headache. I asked her to cook her famous lamb stew but with basmat rice and a green salad this
tme around. And it smells divine.
I'm downstairs, it’s a text from Nathi.

I tell Nura that I'm going to collect her. On my way downstairs I can't help but compare how shabby our
apartment is to Banzi's home. I shrug that thought away, there is no shame in struggling. I fnd Nathi
chatng to Sbula by the door and then she has to pay the R10 visitors fee. You see why I hate Safari?
Nathi gives me a warm hug, she's dressed simply in a white summer dress with brown gladiator sandals
but she stll looks like she walked out of a catalogue page.

“Khanyo wanted to come with me but it's boys day out today so he couldn't. He was stll sulking when I
lef.” Her voice is calm and cheerful, I also wish Khanyo had come I wanted Nura to meet him.

Nathi keeps an endless chaier as we go up the staircase. Not once does she complain about how stf
the stairs are or ask how many foors to go. That's what I love most about Nathi, her humble nature. She
tells me a liile about her work, she works for the oustce system now and she says she enjoys it. You can
just tell from how animated her face becomes as she talks about it that she loves her job. We're by our
door now and Nura opens the door for us. Nathi aiacks Nura with her famous hugs and Nura looks as
shocked as I was the frst day I met Nathi. But at least Nura hugs her back that would have been really
awkward.

Now that the introductons are out of the way, the two favorite women in my life are sitng side by side
on the bed. We don't own a couch but Nathi doesn't seem to mind she's laughing beautfully as they
pour over my baby pictures which are blessedly few.

“My son is so in love with your daughter…” I feel my heart stopping in my chest. What is Nathi doing?
Nura also stfens notceably.

Nathi is the only one unfazed as she looks through her phone, “…oh yes here he is my liile fghter,
Lukhanyo. We all call him Khanyo, when He heard I was coming to see Farrah he wanted to come with
me but it's boys day out. So He went with his dad.” I release a breath I wasn’t aware I was holding.

Nura is cooing over pictures of me and Khanyo goofng around unaware that we were being
documented.

“He's so beautful Nathi,” the way Nura pronounces Nathi with her sof lilt is precious. I wonder if I
would have adopted Nura's accent had I been able to talk. Nathi is beaming with pride.
“He is my liile miracle. I had hypertension and all sorts of complicatons during his pregnancy. Then in
the delivery room when he came out and I couldn’t hear him cry I assumed the worst. I was already
crying when the doctors assured me that he was breathing but just staring blindly at them in silence.
Those were the only quiet ten minutes of his life, he's the noisiest child I know.”

Nathi has this way about her which is open and honest which just draws you in. She's full of life, such a
humble soul and I'm relieved that Nura seems so taken with her. But it would be hard not to like Nathi.
She's impressed by Nura's lamb stew and they exchange recipes. I’m becoming restless because it’s
almost tme for the big ask.

“Farrah told me about the competton she's been entered into, you must be so proud.” Here goes. I’m
so nervous I pee on myself a liile.

“She's such an amazing daughter I couldn’t have asked for a beier baby,” Nura preens the way most
black mothers green when you are complimentng their children as if you are complimentng them. So
far so good, I'm crossing my fngers real tght.

“We usually go to Cape Town for a family vacaton and if its alight with you, Khanyo would love to go
with Farrah.” I see a dark expression clouding Nura's face. Oh no!

“Farrah needs to study for her Matric maybe next tme,” Classic black mother's tal for Never gonna
happen.

I look at Nura with pleading eyes and she shakes her head no. I ask why, she signs

Not afer what happened with the Naidoos.

But they are nothing like the Naidoos, I sign in desperaton.

And you know all this afer knowing them for what? A few months? She signs back
I hate how you don’t trust me, I never do anything because of your fear. I'm signing in quick angry
movements now.

I have even forgoien that Nathi is in the room with us. Her sof voice breaks into our now heated
argument.

“Farrah baby could you give us a moment alone?”

I reluctantly leave and go to Amaka's apartment.

Their apartment is more colorful than ours. There are pictures around the whole apartment of Amaka's
prophet or whom she calls her spiritual father and some of the prophet’s wife. I mean I love Prophet
Muhammad and all but not enough to be stared by him from every angle of my home. Yes there's even
one picture stuck on the bathroom mirror. But that’s not why I'm here. Funny thing though there isn’t a
single picture of Amaka or her husband in sight. Diferent strokes for diferent folks.

Amaka as always is warm and welcoming, she complains that I don't visit them ofen. Then she starts
plying me with gossip from their church.

“Imagine sister Dorcas, she was busy spreading lies about the Man of God, saying he was molestng
her!” She sounds outraged at such a scandalous allegaton.

“Chizas! Such an abominaton!” Her husband exclaims with jollof rice in his mouth, some of it fies and
lands on my arm. I wipe my arm discreetly and nod vigorously though I don't fnd anything abominable
in sister Dorcas' allegatons. For all we know they might be true.

“N’ozuzu nah watch the lightning that go strike her down! Agent of wickedness!” Amaka goes on to
curse angrily, clapping her hands once.

Apparently sister Dorcas is a devil worshiper sent from the ocean to tempt the ‘Man of God’ when he
refused her seducton, she started a smear campaign even making up a recording of the good Prophet
asking to sleep with her and claiming he sent her pictures of his penis. At this point of the story the
husband interjects.
“You know with this nah technology, devil nah go use to smear Man of God. There is no way that penis
belonged to our spiritual father. Issa lie!”

I idly wonder if either of them have ever seen the prophet's male apparatus. Amaka's response isn't as
enthusiastc as before. But what do I know of the spirit realm?

Afer what feels like a decade, Nura comes to call me. I try to rea her face but she isn't giving anything
away. I get in nervously behind her and Nathi gives me a reassuring smile. Nura clears her throat.

“You can go with them but you are taking all your books and I expect a text every night before you
sleep.”

I’m so happy I jump on her and give her a huge hug. Nathi winks at me over Nura's shoulder. I wonder
how she pulled this of. But right now I'm too excited to care. I'm going to the beach!

#Insert 17

“I don’t know when love became elusive. What I know is: no one I know has it.” Warsan Shire

“Your tme is up, stop writng, pens down and do not move out of the exam room tll all the answer
scripts have been collected,” the invigilator’s lazy voice drawled.

I'm writng Literature and it's my last paper. Truth is I've been done for the past thirty minutes and I've
been re-reading my answer scripts. Sneaky Miss Ncube added an abstract from the poem Song of
Lawino by Okot p'Bitek a 1966 classic. I know it cause she said it was one of her favorite poems and I
looked it up. The abstract was from the frst page:

When my husband

Was stll wooing me

His eyes were stll alive,

His ears stll unblocked,

Ocol had not yet become a fool

My friend was stll a man then!

He had not yet become a woman,

He was stll a free man,

His heart was stll his chief.

My husband was stll a Black man

The son of the Bull

The son of Agik

The woman from Okol

Was stll a man,

An Acoli

My husband has read much.

He has read extensively and deeply…

And he is clever like white men

And the reading

Has killed my man,

In the ways of his people,

He has become

A stump.

Lawino's lamentatons speak to me in a deeper level, maybe because I know how it feels to be looked
down on for being diferent. To be told your way of living is backwards because Allah forbid, you do not
want to walk around half naked. Or because your faith is diferent or because no one has ever heard
your voice. Lawino in all her simplicity and “ignorance” portrayed more depth in how quick we are to
adapt another man's culture and deem it to be superior to our own.

Finally we are free to leave the exam room. The frst thing I do is look for my beau. Yeah I'm classic like
that I don’t subscribe to the modern terms of bae. Honestly though what’s the proper pronunciaton of
the word bae? Trust me I've heard many. Back to my search. Banzi doesn’t study literature, he says it’s
too much work. I tried explaining to him how my thoughts become alive in the pages of the classics.
How I fnd my voice as I read to myself and how I can have any voice I choose. At least he didn’t laugh at
my face, he stroked my face like he knew exactly what I meant.

That’s one of the things I love about Banzi, he listens, I can be myself with him without fearing his
judgment or him laughing at me. He gets that from Nathi. Yes, she did ask me about the Naidoos and I
found myself opening up to her about what happened. And she listened. She didn’t pretend to
understand how it felt like, she didn’t ofer any words of wisdom or how to move on. She just listened. I
felt a large chunk being lifed of my shoulders. It’s sort of become our thing, we work on the speech for
an hour then we spend the next hour with me offloading and her listening. I'm grateful that she hasn’t
diagnosed me yet or put me on any medicaton. But she has made me realize I hold on to a lot of
resentment.

I resent the Naidoos for what they did to us. I resent Nura for bringing us to this country. I resent my
father for abandoning us. I resent Lerato and her goons for bullying me. I resent Allah for making me
mute. I resent anyone who has ever called me a Kwerekwere. I resent how they talk at me like I'm
dumb. I slightly resent Banzi for his perfect life and his perfect family, I feel so inadequate as his
girlfriend.

Speaking of my arrogant fool I cant fnd him anywhere. He isn't there at the Rugby feld or in the
classroom area, and he isn't responding to my texts. I'm about to give up when I turn around the corner
and fnd Lerato wrapped around my baby. I say wrapped around because his arms are dangling by his
side. His back is towards me but I know its him. I’m usually good with my emotons but right at this
moment I don’t know how to describe the emotons coursing through me. It all happens in less than a
minute but it feels like everything has slowed to a tortoise pace. Banzi is shoving Lerato of him and
threatening her from his stance, I cant hear what he's saying so I step closer to them and all I catch is,

“…I told you I'm done with your liile twisted mind games. And if you dare bring Farrah into your liile
games I will hunt you down and kill you with my bare hands.”

A chill goes down my spine, this person standing in front of me sounds menacing and nothing like my
sweet loving beau. Lerato seems unfazed though, she laughs her fake laugh and raises her dainty hand
to show him her Rolex watch. When she turns to leave, she sees me standing there. With an evil glean in
her eye she saunters across to me in four easy strides. I don’t know what's wrong with me I cant move,
it’s like I'm rooted to the spot.

She wraps herself around me and shoves her tongue down my throat. I instantly feel bile rise in my
throat. I try shoving her of me but she has latched herself onto me. I feel her being dragged away from
me an I see Banzi holding her back. I feel all this anger consuming me and so quickly that no one has
tme to react I slap her quickly three consecutve tmes. Each slap leaving a stng in my hand but I don't
care. Banzi let’s her go and before I can pounce on her, she scuiles away like an almost drowned rat.

When she’s a safe distance away from us she calls out, “Feisty liile thing aren't you? I’m so gonna enjoy
this. Banzi you have up to next week.”

With that said she leaves me staring at Banzi for answers. For the frst tme in our relatonship, he won't
meet my eyes. He keeps looking everywhere else but at me. Allah, what have I goien myself into?

#Insert 18

"Baby I can fx this,” I look at him like he's grown a horn on his face.

We’ve been standing here for close to an hour now and my patence is stretched thin like some hairlines
I've come across. He wont tell me what hold that she devil has on him. He's been begging me not to
break up with him. That’s all he keeps saying.

What are you fxing? I sign at him in frustraton referring to his last statement.

“This whole Lerato mess, I will fx it baby trust me.” He is pleading with me and my heart sofens but I
quickly harden it. Now is not the tme to be meek.

Tell me what hold she has over you, I sign keeping my face straight.

I cant, he signs back.

I'm tred of this back and forth, that she devil just shoved her dirty tongue down my throat. Only Allah
knows the places that tongue has been. And Banzi is standing in front of me refusing to tell me what
made her think she had any right to touch me let alone kiss me. I'm fed up of being tossed around like a
rag doll between these two. Whatever it is that's going on, I want no part in it. I turn to go home and
forget about everything and just focus on my speech.
Banzi grabs my arm and I give him a withering stare. He must not test me, not today. He slowly let's go
of my hand.

“Freckle-face please don’t give up on us,” he's looking at me with moisture in his eyes.

Since you decided to let in a third person and you don’t trust me enough to stand with you through this,
there is no us. My heart is heavy as I sign this, all the anger has dissipated from me leaving me feeling
hollow.

“No baby, you don’t mean that, you cant mean that. I cant lose you like this. I promise I will deal with
this just don't give up on us. Please I'm begging you Farrah.” I look into his eyes and there is too much
intensity and emoton in them. Maybe things are beier of ending this way.

I'm going home, I sign dejectedly.

“Please let me take you home.” That's a frst, Banzi never asks.

But I don’t want to be in a confned space with him so I shake my head in the negatve. That seems to
crush him but he doesn't give up.

“Please baby, I know you probably hate me right now but I need to know that you are safe.”

Oh Banzi if only I could hate you then all this wouldn't be so hard or hurt so badly. I relent and he takes
my backpack, he tries taking my hand but I move it out of reach. He clears his throat and falls in step
beside me. I'm cracking my brains trying to think what it is that Lerato could possibly have against Banzi.
Then it hits me so suddenly I stop in my tracks. Banzi gives me an anxious look and I smile weakly at him.

What if….? No my brain refuses to acknowledge that thought . But it’s possible the ratonal part of me
argues. It’s obvious something happened between Banzi and Lerato. Something of a sexual nature. What
if Lerato is pregnant? oust the thought makes me shudder. I should be the one to carry his babies. Whoa!
I don't know where that thought came from I’m only just 17. I have my whole life ahead of me, Banzi is
only my frst boyfriend. I cant be thinking of babies. And if Lerato is pregnant then that’s the end of us.
I’m not suited up for the role of step mom, with such a dramatc baby-momma noghel! Not happening.
It will hurt but I’ve been through hell. I will survive.
I notce that we are parked outside Safari, I’ve been so lost in my thoughts I didn’t even see the whole
journey. Banzi is looking at me like he wants to say something but then he doesn’t. He leans in and
kisses me. My response is automatc, I kiss him back. His kisses are fevered and desperate. Mine
probably refect the same need. Then an Image of Lerato kissing me pops up and I immediately pull out
of the kiss. Banzi looks like a puppy drenched by the rain, I grab my backpack and run all the way to my
apartment.

I fnd Nura home, I'd forgoien that she is of. She asks me how the exam was and I burst into tears.
Nura cradles me and I let the tears of the past few hours fow. When I'm done, she asks me what's
wrong and I tell her that I think I failed Literature. She bought the story and told me to pray about it. I
hate lying to Nura. But how do you tell your mom that the boy you love might have impregnated
another girl and that girl kissed you? Nura would probably run with me all the way to Somalia on foot.

I'm downstairs, it’s a text from Nathi.

It’s Saturday and I forgot that we had agreed to go shopping before working on my speech and having
our session. I haven't seen or communicated with Banzi since he dropped me of yesterday. I've been
ignoring his texts. I contemplate cancelling on Nathi but she's come all this way. I te my curls into a
messy bun, wear my sneakers, grab my stuf and let myself out of the apartment.

I fnd Amaka about to get in her apartment, she's happy and glowing from her all night prayer session.
Which she's only returning from at 12. I don’t wait to be bombarded by scriptures and gossip, I smile at
her and keep moving. I fnd Nathi in her Range Rover but she seems subdued today. I cant see her eyes
because she has donned those huge mirror sunglasses. She hugs me though and gives me a peck on the
lips.

“Hey baby girl, I was thinking that before shopping we have lunch frst. I'm starving, is Mugg and Bean
ok?"

Is it ok? I’ve never been there, it’s so expensive.

I nod my head enthusiastcally and she laughs sofly.

“It's also Khanyo's favorite place,” she tells me.

Where is Khanyo, I miss him. I sign at her.

“My sister took him for the weekend, he's been asking about you too.” We contnue with our drive, she
puts on Sjava. She laughs at my shocked expression. She drums along to the beat on the steering wheel
and I fnd myself moving my head along to the song.

At the mall we make our way to the restaurant and I order a cheese burger with a chocolate milkshake
while Nathi orders a bacon and cheese burger also with a chocolate milkshake. She's taken of her
sunglasses and her eyes seem drawn.

“Banzi told me what went down yesterday.” I instantly get annoyed, really? Banzi had gone running to
his mom.

“I kept asking since he seemed out of it then he told me. It's all my fault, I'm so sorry Farrah.” I'm
confused and ask her what she means when she says it's her fault.

“Vuyo and I almost got a divorce. Years ago before Khanyo was born. He cheated.” The waitress chooses
that tme to bring our orders and I’m lef reeling from Nathi's bomb. Her eyes are flled with so much
pain. Afer the waitress is gone she contnues.

“Apparently when they went to a workshop, he slept with one of his co-workers, he claimed he was
drunk. Of course he didn’t tell me at frst and foolish me didn’t suspect anything. Untl one day I came
from work to fnd cars parked outside and strangers in my living room. It was the other woman's family
they had come to drop of Vuyo's burden. She was six months pregnant,” she breaks into a sof sob on
the last sentence and I reach over and clasp her hand tghtly. She wipes her eyes with a napkin.

“What hurt most was that not only had he cheated but he didn’t think to protect me from his infdelity. I
screamed that they should get out of my house. But of course my dear mother in law said the woman
must stay since she was carrying her precious grandchild not my bastard son. And Banzi was listening to
all this he had just started grade 8. Vuyo didn’t say anything so she stayed. That was the hardest tme of
my life. I would fnd her in my robe, in my living room eatng my food sitng with my husband.

Afer just a week I couldn’t stand it anymore. I fled for divorce, Vuyo tore the papers right in my face.
He said he wasn’t letng me go. We fought every minute we were in the same room. So I started
spending more tme at work, I would come in late and leave very early. On top of that I found out I was
pregnant with Khanyo. I almost had a miscarriage. They said I had hypertension. I decided to move out
of the house but Vuyo said he would rather fnd his other woman somewhere else to stay. What
working 25 year old has no apartment of her own? She moved out, I stayed but I contnued with my
divorce applicaton. Vuyo refused to sign the papers and I buried myself in work. I forgot about my
children, Banzi turned to drugs and Khanyo's pregnancy developed complicatons.
One day I found drugs all over my dining room table and Banzi fucking two girls while the third girl took
videos. All this had been happening while I was busy helping other people's children deal with their
depression while I failed to see that my own son was crying out for help. Vuyo of course was with her.

I packed up my son and booked up both into a rehabilitaton center. We lef with nobody knowing
where we went. That was the only thing that saved both my babies. Then it turned out that the child
wasn’t even Vuyo's, she hadn't been sure who the father was but chose Vuyo because he was richer
than her low life thug colored boyfriend.

Vuyo put us all through hell. Banzi had to repeat grade 8 and Khanyo was born premature and deaf.
Apparently Banzi's drug dealer was Lerato's brother and she was the third girl taking videos. She was
only in grade 7. She’s been threatening to send those videos to the Rugby confederaton and get Banzi
disqualifed. The blackmail has been going on for years yet he only told me yesterday. This is all my fault,
I was such a bad mother.”

By the end of her narraton we are both silently crying, at least we got a corner booth away from
people's eyes. I feel so bad for Nathi, she went through hell but I could barely tel. She's always so
cheerful and happy. I wonder how she managed to forgive Vuyo and move on. I guess she also blames
herself for Khanyo's deafness. Though this explains the hold that Lerato has over Banzi it doesn’t explain
what she wants from him now. And I refuse to dwell too much on the orgies they had.

#Insert 19

“You can decide whether or not to apologize, but you don’t determine what hurts and what doesn’t. The
best you can do is make it right. Ultmately, that says so much of who we are. Some clean up streets
while others throw thrash from the window.” o. M. Storm

It broke my heart seeing Nathi break down like that. An hour later and she was stll in no way ft to drive
us anywhere. I had to text Vuyo to come get her from her phone, luckily it doesn’t have a password. I
also had to take money from her purse to pay for the meal. I’m a bit peeved that Banzi didn’t tell me
what happened but ran crying to his mommy. I fnally check my phone. There’s countless messages from
Banzi. One catches my eye,

Farrah my past is catching up to me and I don’t want it to taint you.

Then there is the more desperate one.

Please baby, I'll tell you everything. oust don’t shut me out.

So maybe I am partly to blame, if I had read these texts last night he would have told me. I text him
backi

Meet me at the park in 30 minutes.

Then I turn all my aienton on Nathi, she isn't crying anymore but she seems out of it. She's quiet and
withdrawn, I stroke her hair and she shivers uncontrollably. I see Vuyo at the door looking around wildly
and I sigh in relief. He looks disheveled like he hasn’t slept properly, his eyes desperately sweep through
the whole restaurant tll they land on Nathi who is cradled in my arms. He's almost running to our table
and he barely acknowledges me, he crouches in front of Nathi but she stll has that vacant look in her
face, he holds her hands and stll nothing.

“Muntuza wam'” at the sound of his voice she snaps out of her trance and sobs into his arms. I watch as
he cradles her and hushes her, Vuyo is also on the verge of tears.

“Sukulila ntliziyo yam. I will fx this, its my mess. None of this is your fault. Please Muntuza I cant stand
the sight of your tears.” His voice is even breaking as he soothes her.

I'm just here watching and praying for a love as enduring as theirs. Afer a while Nathi calms down and
Vuyo carries her to the car. I follow with her bag and phone. In the car I ask to be dropped of at the
park. Vuyo drives while constantly checking on his wife who is now fast asleep on my lap. Our eyes meet
in the rearview mirror and he mouths the words Thank You. I nod slightly and smile reassuringly at him.

We're at the park and I can see Banzi's car parked close by. Vuyo opens the door for me and places his
jacket under Nathi's head and covers her with a small feece blanket. I’m about to walk of when he
holds my arm lightly. I look at him questoningly.

“Be patent with him, he needs you.” This was the frst personal thing Vuyo has ever said to me. I
respond with a ghost of a smile.
I see Banzi sitng on the park bench, head bowed in between his legs. oust looking at him I feel pain for
the awkward teenager who resorted to doing drugs to hide from the pain he was witnessing at home. I
gently touch the back Of his neck and he looks up at me with somber eyes.

“Freckle-face.” The way he says my pet name is a cross between a sigh and a queston. As if he doesn’t
believe that I’m standing in front of him. I smile at him tentatvely and he swoops me into a bear hug.

The hug is sufocatng but I let him be and I also cling to him. It feels like I've come home. I inhale his
musky scent and the steady beatng of his heart calms me. I don’t want to break this hug. He lets me go
and I sit down on the bench, he's staring at me not saying anything. I sit quietly, waitng.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, when you asked me what happened. I was so afraid you will leave me when I
told you I was a junkie.” The shame is there in his voice.

That was my choice to make, I hate that you can't open up to me, I sign at him.

“I know. I'm sorry baby. I tried textng you…”

I'm sorry I was so angry I ignored your texts, I respond.

Our conversaton is stlted and awkward but I need to hear what he has to say for himself.

“I was so angry and hurt and confused. One minute we were a perfect family and the next mom was
always crying and dad seemed to only care about his coming baby. I had always been the center of their
world suddenly I was cast aside, neglected. I started picking fghts in school luckily I didn't get expelled.
Then one day Lehumo, Lerato's brother ofered me a joint. It made me forget for a while. Till I needed
more and that’s when he introduced me to cocaine. I went wild and lived from fx to fx. I stole money
from home but nobody notced. Till one day mom came back from work found me with two older girls
and Lerato. The shock and disgust in her face, I will never forget. She got me the help I needed. I had to
get therapy as well.”

I'm listening to each word, each word carries his pain. I hate the queston I have to ask him but I can’t
run away from this.

Did you sleep with her?

“Yes.”

He hangs his head as he says this and I feel my breath hitching but I pull myself together. Now is not the
tme to be fragile.

How many tmes? I sign.

Banzi looks every where but my eyes. That saddens me even more. But I have to know.

“On and of since I came back from rehab.” It’s like with each word he's thrustng a knife in my heart.

Even when we started datng? I might as well know the whole truth.

“No babe I would never do that to you. I ended things way before I started pursuing you.” As if that
would make me happy.

Should I worry that you will cheat on me with her? Especially since sex is of the table for me. I sign
deliberately making certain that he gets every word.

“I won’t cheat on you Farrah, I promise. With Lerato it was just sex but with you its diferent. I just want
to spend all my tme with you and protect you from everything even from myself.” I idle wonder if he's
going to be able to keep this promise.

Something keeps bugging me though about this whole set up.

But it was a long tme ago, you are clean now. Aren't you? I ask him.

Again he can’t look me in the eye. Oh Banzi, what have you done?
“I relapsed that day you told me about what those guys almost did to you. I went out with the boys to a
club and we bumped into Lehumo with his gang. He ofered me a line and I was dumb enough to take it.
He took pictures and Lerato saw them on his phone.”

I feel the blood draining from my face. Allah am I in love with a junkie? As if he could read my thoughts
he quickly reassures me,

“It was that one tme and I only had the one line baby I swear.” Stll doesn't make it right, I want to snap
at him. I close my eyes, I don’t want to hear anymore but I have a feeling worse is to come.

What does she want from you? I ask Banzi. He clears his throat a couple of tmes.

“She wants to have a threesome with me and you.”

What???!!

#Insert 20

Its raining and sirens are going of, another accident. How fckle life is, one minute you preparing to go
to work, you kiss your child goodbye or maybe you're too angry so you bang the door on your way to
school. Then the next moment there is skidding of tres and bam you are gone. What fashes before your
eyes before you take your last breathe? Death fascinates me. It’s inevitable yet so unexpected. I'm ok
with dying in any manner as long as I don’t drown and I guess cancer is also a gruesome way to go. I'm
not afraid of death per say but I'm afraid of what comes afer, the aferlife.

Nura always talks about how the angels – Munkar and Nakir – come to queston the dead in order to
test their faith. The righteous believers answer correctly and live in peace and comfort while the sinners
and disbelievers fail and punishments ensue. I don't think I qualify as a righteous believer because of the
thoughts I've been having ever since Banzi told me what that psychotc bully wants. Whatever drugs her
brother has been feeding her are of exceptonal quality. I'm not about to give in to her sick twisted
fantasies. I feel anger welling up just thinking about it. Right now if the taxi I’m in were to collide with a
huge truck and I died, Malak al-Maut, the angel of death would extract my soul in the most painful way
because I'm a sinner. I want to infict as much pain on Lerato as I can but I have to be smart about it.

That's why I asked Banzi for space. Not because I'm breaking up with him as he assumed but because I
need Lerato to think she's winning then I strike when she least expects it. I'm done being the sweet soul
that everyone tramples on. Even if it means that my soul will be snatched out of my body like "the
dragging of an iron skewer through moist wool, tearing the veins and sinews." That's what Nura always
says about sinful souls. And I'm feeling downright sinful. But what if there is no aferlife and you just
die? I asked that to Nura once and she made me go to sleep without food to meditate on my blasphemy.

It's so funny that I'm sitng in this taxi while the driver is busy harassing a girl sitng in front about using
her phone to text. Apparently its destructng to him. Am I the only one who thinks that taxi drivers are
the worst bullies in the streets of ooburg? I mean they terrorize other drivers and even passengers and
no one says kak to them.

The rain is peltng down stronger making trafc even slower but it’s perfect weather for my dark
thoughts. You probably worried I might commit suicide because of such dark thoughts right? Relax,
Islam, as with other Abrahamic religions, views suicide as one of the greatest sins and uierly
detrimental to one's spiritual journey. The Islamic view is that life and death are given by God. Life is
sacred, and a gif from Godi and it is only God, and not the human beings, who has the right to take it
back. I would never dream of taking my own life besides not over a peiy person such as Lerato. You
probably thinking of suicide bombers shuhada, those are sick people exploited in psychological warfare
and perceived martyrdom. The idea being that the aiacker died in order to testfy his faith in God. It's
more like those Christan prophets who make people eat grass, spray them with insectcides and make
them drink their semen all in the name of religion. I hope there is a special place in Sijjin or what you call
hell for all those who manipulate people's faith. I hate manipulators which makes me hate Lerato. She's
going down, no one messes with those I love anymore.

I'm in class with my uniform a bit damp, I wish I had taken up Banzi's ofer to come pick me up as usual.
But I cant risk jeopardizing my plan. Lerato has to believe that we broke up. I feel Banzi's stare drilling
holes on my back but I stfen my spine. I have to be strong for the both of us. But between you and me,
seeing the look of despair and pain in Banzi’s eyes as I told him that I need some tme apart, almost
broke me. I had to make him promise on our love that he wont resort to alcohol or drugs to numb his
pain.

I'm worried about Banzi, I feel like me he's screaming on the inside. He needs to go back to rehab and
therapy. But we'll focus on that when I've goien Lerato of our backs. Once and for all, like America I'm
not one to negotate with terrorists.

There’s not many classes as it’s afer exams and just a few days before schools close. People are
chatng happily while I’m sitng alone quietly plotng to take Lerato down. I already know that she
carries spirit and concealer in her bag which could be a sign of abuse. Also she wears a Rolex watch, and
I'm guessing its expensive. Where is she getng her money? I feel like my favorite characters Sherlock
Holmes and Nancy Drew.
I need evidence of Lerato's evil deeds and evidence of her blackmailing Banzi. But I have to be careful
she is afer all the sister of a guy who sells drugs for a living. I have to look through her bag which is
going to be difcult cause she walks around everywhere with it even when she’s going to the bathroom.
I’ve been watching her and her goons tiering and laughing. Lerato receives a phone call and answers it
a liile way from her goons. She gets up to go outside and I follow her. The good thing about being mute
is that you can go around unnotced. People ofen look through me and today is no excepton.

Lerato goes to one of the felds and I’m following her quietly. There’s a guy who looks like a taller male
version of Lerato by the school fence next to the feld Lerato is heading to. He's leaning next to a mean
machine, I don’t know cars but even I know that beast is expensive it has privatzed plates “Lehumo”. Oh
so this is the famous brother. Crime really pays, everything on that guy screams I’m loaded. From his Air
oordan sneakers to his leather jacket. I bet girls throw themselves at him every chance they get.

I’m hiding behind a bush with my phone on stand by. I feel like a spy and the exhilaraton is going all the
way to my stomach causing it to make weird grumbling sounds. They seem to be talking then the yellow
hote hands Lerato a package which is some white powder packages ted with that huge yellow tape. I
click on my phone taking pictures. When I get one that shows Lerato's face, I quickly go backwards away
from my hiding spot. When I'm sure I'm clear from their line of vision, I run all the way to class and sit
unseen at my desk.

I look through the pictures I took. Thank Allah they are clear even though they were taken from afar. So
Lerato also sells drugs. Probably to other students. That explains the Rolex watch. This is huge but I have
to be smart about this. I can't show this to Banzi he's emotonal right now. It's sweet how fragile he can
get and that he doesn’t hide it from me. I'm craving his kiss so badly. Snap out of it Farrah, I sternly tell
myself, now is not the tme to behave like a bitch on heat. Think! I cant go to the police I imagine they
have them in their payroll that’s what I've seen in the movies anywhere. I cant confront Lerato with
them that would be signing my own death certfcate. Its obvious Lehumo and Lerato are probably
working for someone else. This feels like I'm stuck in a bad oames Bond movie.

Then it hits me! Vuyo will know what to do. He has the resources to even hire a proper PI. I'm relieved. I
couldn’t have carried this out alone and I don’t have to contnue torturing myself and Banzi. I go to his
seat, he is lost in thought looking so sad. For the frst tme in class I sit on his lap. The surprise on his face
is almost comical. I smile widely at him and he lets out a breath and holds on to me for dear life. He
smells so good I snuggle into him. Everybody else around us is minding their own business. Lerato comes
in from outside and looks at us with so much hate coupled with envy if I'm reading her expression
correctly. I couldn't care less, she has no hold over me any more. Operaton clean trash is underway, I
just have to give Vuyo the pictures and our nightmare will be over.
Afer school Banzi and I leave together he keeps staring at me like he doesn’t believe that I'm besides
him.

“I thought you said you needed space?” his sentence comes out hesitant like a queston.

I did and I got my space, I sign at him.

“Please don’t ever do that to me again, I almost died.” You see what I meant? He’s such a huge sofie,
my grizzly bear.

We fnd both his parents home and no sign of the grandmother. I’m glad that Nathi seems more like
herself today she's stll worried though. They are ted to each other and it’s sweet. Afer greetng them I
sign,

Banzi has something to say to you.

Banzi looks at me with that pleading look but I refuse to back down, he needs help. My eyes
communicate to him that if he doesn’t say it then we are done. Both Nathi and Vuyo are looking at us
questoningly. Banzi clears his throat and looks at his feet.

“Mom, Dad I had a relapse and I took a line.”

Vuyo bangs his fst on the cofee table loudly. It scares me shitless. He would have punched Banzi but
Nathi holds him back.

“What the hell is wrong with you Banzi??? Don’t we give you everything? Do you want to kill my wife is
that it? Answer me dammit!” Banzi hasn’t lifed his face the whole tme that Vuyo is rantng.

“I'm sorry,” it comes out as almost a whisper. My heart goes out to him but this had to be done.
“Damn right you will be sorry. Come holidays you are going back to rehab and therapy. You aren't
coming with us to Cape Town.” The fnality in Vuyo's voice is not to be questoned. Banzi gets up and
goes upstairs and Nathi goes up afer him.

We are lef in awkward silence. Then I remember my mission. I take out my phone and show Vuyo the
pictures.

This is the girl who has been threatening Banzi, I sign at him.

“Where did you get these?” the censor in his voice is intmidatng.

At school, I followed her. I respond.

“Farrah these people are dangerous and I don’t want you following them around. I will take it from here.
If something were to happen to you, my wife would never forgive me.” I nod my head vigorously. He
transfers the pictures from my phone and deletes them. I really hope he manages to get Lerato of our
backs.

#Insert 21

“They keep saying that beautful is something a girl needs to be. But honestly? Forget that. Don’t be
beautful. Be angry, be intelligent, be wiiy, be klutzy, be interestng, be funny, be adventurous, be crazy,
be talented- there are an eternity of other things to be other than beautful. And what is beautful
anywhere but a set of leiers strung together to make a word? Be your own defniton of amazing,
always.” Nikita Gill

The Cape Town trip is almost upon us but I'm not as excited about it as I initally was. Banzi won’t be
coming and I feel like it’s my fault. It doesn’t help that he has been understanding about it. He says I did
what I had to do to protect him. He was impressed by my detectve antcs when I fnally told him. He
said I have a sexy brain.

But then like his father he told me not to pull a stunt like that ever again, that I could have been spoied
and that would put my life at risk. Apparently Vuyo had already hired a Private Investgator but of course
the PI didn’t have access in the school. So he was super proud of me and he kissed me senseless.
Did I tell you how addictve my grizzly bear’s kisses are? Allah! Don’t get me started I can talk about
them all day. Like yesterday, sigh and drool. We were in his bedroom and he was helping me prepare
the slides for my speech. He was saying something but I was focused on his lips. How his full boiom lip
juied out at the end of every word. And his upper thin lip was a bit pinkish and then he bit his lower lip
with his beautful white teeth. That did things all the way from my stomach to my toes. I zoned out just
staring at his lips.

“You can kiss them you know, they are all yours.”

The laughter in his deep husky voice snapped me out of my lustul thoughts. I burned a beetroot red
from being caught. Then he chuckled that deep lazy chuckle of his and I felt my toes curl. You know I
would never lie to you, his chuckle did the things to my toes.

Then next moment I found my tny lustul self pinned against him bodily and I balanced my hands on his
taut stomach. He frst brushed his sof lips over mine in a feathery kiss. They felt a bit dry so I snaked my
tongue and lightly licked his lips. He took that opportunity to deepen the kiss. The heat emitng from his
mouth fred up my whole body. I literally felt like my whole body was on fre in oune. You know how
curious I've been about his abs ever since he lifed his t-shirt to wipe his face during rugby practce right?
Well your girl decided to explore yesterday during the heated kiss.

I tentatvely moved my small hands across the planes of his stomach. But it didn’t feel enough, his black
Polo t-shirt was a barrier. The new sneaky me decided to delve into previously unchartered territory. I
snaked my hands underneath his t-shirt. I inhaled sharply as I felt the rock-hard texture of the contours
on his stomach. And his groans made me bolder. He has a thin smartng of hair in between his lower abs
I tugged at it lightly and I heard him yelp against my mouth, I tugged again and he put his hand over
mine and broke the kiss.

His eyes had changed, they were bloodshot and narrowed to really tny slits. I wondered if mine were
the same. He was even sweatng a liile, I was confused about why he broke of the kiss. Did I hurt him?
We were stll in the same positon but I felt something poking my tummy. Curiosity got me looking down
and my eyes snapped into the size of saucers. There was a huge bulge in his pants. When I looked up at
Banzi he was chuckling or making fun of my obvious shock. He looked like he was in pain. Maybe I
shouldn't have tugged at his pelvic hair. I was panicking I tell you and it wasn’t funny so please stop
laughing.

He rested his forehead on mine and he was breathing heavily but I didn’t mind his hot breath heatng
my face. He seemed to be struggling to control his beatng heart.
“Freckle-face the things you do to me,” the tmbre in his voice had roughened so much it sounded like
he was groaning. I felt so bad and my stupid tears welled up in my eyes.

“Hey hey look at me, you didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t hurt me baby,” by then I was so confused
people and it must have shown in my face. Because he gently stroked my cheek with the pad of his
thumb.

“If I didn’t stop when I did I would have come had you tugged the third tme.” His voice was stll hoarse.
Come? I was stll confused, then what he meant hit me and I turned a scarlet red. I buried my face in his
neck and that tme he did laugh at me. I punched his chest and he laughed even harder. My boyfriend
though.

It’s been two days since I handed over my investgaton to Vuyo. I wish I could tell you that the whole
SWAT team came budging into our classroom and a sexy caramel skinned hulk like Dwayne The Rock
oohnson roughly pulled up that Karishikah, Lerato and commandingly saidi

“Hands behind your back bitch, you are about to become somebody’s bitch in prison.”

But frstly this isn't the Fast and Furious 9, I wonder what they will call it. I mean how do you top “The
Fate of the Furious”.

And secondly this is Satafika, the justce system is as slow as the service delivery of the government.
They don’t have a SWAT team and the bulk of the police force is overweight. Potbellies flled with bribe
money.

Thirdly I don’t think Lerato would be scared to be anyone's bitch in prison, me thinks she would rather
enjoy it.

Nothing has happened yet. Lerato stll comes to school, her goons stll lick her boiom and she stll thinks
she has a hold over Banzi. The only diferences is now we don’t care. Banzi said I should act like I know
nothing about his involvement with Lerato and drugs. He said he doesn’t want to drag me down with
him in his mess. Ooh and he said he won’t go for counseling if I don’t go for therapy as well, apparently I
have “unresolved issues”. I don’t know how I feel about therapy but I do know I will do everything in my
power to make sure that Banzi doesn’t go back to drugs.
He’s so talented I don’t want him to end up another statstc of black talent that went to waste because
of drugs or drug overdose. Case in point Emtee's recent expose, I’m stll traumatzed from it and I feel
very sad for his child who will one day have his father's appariton staring at him from the internet.

I can just see the headlines on Twiier in 20 years, because by then nobody will be reading the
newspapers or watching the news. Spring Bok captain LwandleLubanzi aka Grizzly Bear Lunika found
dead in Sandton apartment from suspected drug overdose leaving behind a distraught wife and
beautful daughter. And the retweets will be on fre with memes and all. I won’t allow that to happen
not on my watch.

I know I’m silly to think that I have a future with Banzi, I mean look at him and look at me. He's a Greek
god and I'm a geek. When he gets famous, which he will, he will forget all about my Mrs. Bond moments
to save his cute and delectable behind and look for a younger gorgeous girl, whose probably being born
as we speak. I know I talk too much in my mind but that’s the only thing keeping me sane.

School is out and we are going to work on my speech, I'm actually getng excited with the whole
concept that Nathi and Banzi have come up with on the delivery of the speech. I'm sitng on Banzi's bed
in his shorts and t-shirt which is huge on me, with Khanyo on my lap. Banzi is focused on the screen
working on my slides.

Is Banzi your boyfriend? Khanyo signs with the cutest mischievous grin.

No you are my boyfriend, I sign back tckling him.

He laughs while shaking his head vigorously, when I stop tckling him he signs.

No you not my girlfriend, I already have a girlfriend at school. The cheeky brat signs and I wish I could
laugh out loud.

A girlfriend at crèche, what is it about these Lunika men.

I thought I was your girlfriend, I sign feigning a hurt expression on my face.

I know you are preiy and all but you are old, he signs back with a solemn look on his face.

This kid Allah, crushing my spirit with his sweet serious face. I pretend to be sad and wipe an imaginary
tear from the corner of my eye. He kisses me on my cheek.

I can stll kiss you as long as my girlfriend doesn’t know, he signs winking at me. I hear Banzi laughing
heartly.

“That’s my boy,” he says proudly ruffling Khanyo’s hair. I wonder if me and my brother will ever have the
same bond. But I brush of my sad thought and smile at the two men in my life. I put Khanyo aside and
go to look at Banzi's work. It's beautful with pictures and everything and my heart melts.

“Why don’t you wear that for your speech?”

Banzi asks pointng at a Niqab, a head scarf Muslim women wear which is a face veil that leaves the
eyes clear. I look at him quizzically.

“It’s perfect for your speech babe, it goes well with your theme. And it highlights your best feature.”
What he’s saying of course makes sense but I’m confused by what my best feature is.He sees my
confusion and explains,

“Your eyes. I see strength in your eyes. They tell me when you are mad and they show me your pain.
They shine with your intelligence, your warmth and your kindness. They glaze over when you are lustng
over me. They laugh at my lame jokes. They gliier with your love for me. They are not the most
beautful part about you but they are your best feature.”

When he says things like this, how do I not fall for him?

#Insert 22

“Are you excited about your Cape Town trip baby?” Nura sounds excited herself.

How I wish she was coming with me! Today I'm spending my whole day with my favorite girl. I don’t
want her to think that Nathi has taken her place. No one could ever take Nura's place in my life. I would
kill for her but not literally, I'm so scared of blood. Even my own blood makes me gag so I change my pad
without looking at it. I think that’s partly the reason I don’t use tampons plus they are more expensive
and I'm scared of anything going into my kushy.

Back to Nura, she needs a break and I really hope she will be there on the actual day of the competton.
I don’t know what Nathi said to Nura when she came over but Nura likes her and I suspect even trusts
her. And nothing makes my heart more at peace than my two mothers getng along.

It’s funny how I view Nathi as my mom in such a short space of tme but it’s hard not to when she treats
me like her daughter not just her older son's girlfriend and her younger son's cougar. Nura is looking at
me expectantly and I realize I had zoned out again.

I'm so excited Nura, my speech is almost perfect and Nathi said we are going shopping, I sign excitedly.

If that’s ok with you, I sign as an aferthought.

Nura smiles and I'm relieved, “She already called and asked for my permission and I said yes. Tell me
more about Nathi, how she’s like.”

Nathi is funny, kind, full of life, she been through so much but she is not biier about it, she’s a really
good listener and loving to a fault, I sign truthfully Nura nodding and caressing my hair.

We are cuddling in bed, the television is on but no one is watching it.

“She has a healing and calming spirit and a pure heart,” Nura has spiritual discernment.

I wouldn’t call her a prophet or anything but she is gifed. She said she has fought against that gif from
her teenage hood and that got her into a lot of trouble. But of course she didn’t tell me what the trouble
was. I wish I had Nura's spirituality. Of course I believe in Allah but I guess I’m stll angry at him. Some
tmes when I pray I scream at Him, for taking us from home and for taking my brother from us. Ever
since Banzi came into my life, I scream at Allah less and less.

Nura asks if I’m ready to stand in front of so many people and I tell her I’m scared, what if I fail. Nura
holds my hands and looking into my eyes, she says
“Macaanto win or lose I am so proud of you. How you haven't let not having speech stop you from
reaching for the stars. I named you Fatma afer the daughter of Prophet Muhammad one of the four
perfect women named in the Koran. And as your name states you are captvatng my Fatma, you do not
even realize the joy you bring to those around you. Like your namesake you will be well educated and
respected even though this will come at a great price. I will not be with you Fatma but you have so
much strength in you. There is a storm coming and you have to promise me you will stand frm in your
faith, you will need to face it alone. Promise me Farrah.”

I look into her wild eyes and I feel shivers going down my spine.

What storm is she talking about? And what does she mean she wont be with me? Nura is the only family
I have, I feel my tears coming but I push them back and I make the promise. Is Nura sick? It sounded like
a premoniton of her death but she seems fne to me. My thoughts are tortured.

“Is your boyfriend also going to Cape Town?” the sofly asked queston breaks into my troubled
thoughts. Unthinkingly I shake my head regretully. Vuyo is adamant that Banzi has to be taught a
lesson. Then the implicatons of what I’ve just done hit me and I sit up in the bed, my eyes all out. Nura
is looking at me calmly. Shit! I just sold myself out.

How did you know, I ask nervously.

“Farrah you are my baby, you were a part of me for 9 months. I know you, I've notced how your eyes
are sparkling, how you smile when reading texts. You never got any text before. I may not be around
much but I would be blind not to see that you are in love macaanto.” There is no anger in Nura’s voices
just a liile hurt.

I feel bad for not telling her. I mean this has been my best friend all my life, I always told her everything.

When you slapped me I became scared to open up, I know what you always say about boys but this is
diferent, I sign at her.

Nura sighs and contnues to stroke my hair. “I shouldn't have hit you without hearing you out. In fact I
shouldn't have hit you at all baby. I'm sorry. But boys are trouble Fatma, I know.” Here we go.
Mamma I will never know right from wrong if you never let me do anything, I sign.

“I can see nothing I say will change your mind, so I want to see this boy,” Nura has that look.

You know that look that let’s you know that your mother means business.

“Today macaanto. I would send him a text right now if I were you.”

Allah! This is a disaster and there is no wiggling out of this one. Nura even hands me my phone and I
unlock it while pleading with her using my eyes. She remains nonplussed and I start typing the text.

Nura wants to see you, today. Sent

Banzi knows Nura he asked why I call her by name and I didn’t know how to respond. I just do even
though I know she's my mother.

What? Why? I didn’t mean to almost come yesterday. Response

Sigh. Trust Banzi to be dramatc.

She knows about you and now she wants to meet you, I text back.

Fine I will be there by 1pm. He texts back.

I expected his response to be extra. I check the tme its just minutes before ten.

He said he’s coming at 1, I sign at Nura.

“Then what are you stll doing in bed? Get up clean and cook,” Nura can not be serious right now but
she’s already pushing me out of the bed.

But I hate cooking, I sign sulking.

“Then you should have thought about that before you got yourself a boyfriend.” She says all this as she
snuggles deeper in the blanket and takes the remote. Mothers! Arggggh.

I look around one last tme and everything is spotless and my shepherd's pie smells divine. Nura is
having the tme of her life ordering me around. I'm afraid to even complain and make her mean to my
grizzly bear. I wonder how Banzi is going to react to being in a room smaller than his bedroom. I had to
ask for Amaka's chair because it just didn’t seem appropriate to make Banzi sit on the bed me and my
mother share. He texts that he is downstairs.

He says he's downstairs, I sign at Nura

“What are you waitng for then Fatma? Go and get him.” Nura enjoys torturing me. I hover by the door
tll she snaps

“What now?”

Please be nice to him, I plead with her.

“Fatma just go and bring that boy up.” She’s not even smiling. Sigh.

I'm all nerves as I go to fetch him. This could go sideways really fast and I don’t know what I will do if
Nura doesn’t like my boyfriend. Do we break up then or do I defy my mother? And is Nura dying? How
can she make me promise that and then ask to see my boyfriend.

I fnd him leaning next to his car playing with the jaguar taiooed on his bonnet. He seems as nervous as
me. I feast my eyes on his perfect physique. He is clad in black Chinos, a plain black t-shirt with a V-
neckline and he even donned a tailored blazer that clings to his body molding into his buf physique. The
brown shoes and belt break the black monotony of his atre. I’ve never seen my bear dressed up like
this, I've only ever seen him in uniform, jeans or shorts. Of course I'm biased but I am datng the sexiest
species known to man. And today he looks downright sinful. Looking this delectable should be a crime.

I go into his opened arms and he smells like my grizzly bear, my thoughts and concerns are forgoien for
the meantme. This is home. His sof lips brush against my forehead.
“Hey what’s wrong?” it’s not funny how easily he can read me.

I'm just nervous about you meetng Nura, I tell him a half-truth and he squeezes my cheeks.

“Don’t worry Freckle-face I’m going to work the Lunika charm on your mom. She won’t know what hit
her.” The cheek!

I fnd myself smiling as I go back to our apartment hand in hand with my beau. Wish us luck.

#Insert 23

“Some search everywhere for a cure, something to make them whole, when all along it was locked away
inside. Because many tmes the only thing that is wrong with us, is our view of ourselves.” o.M Storm

I'm so nervous I feel like I just peed on myself a liile. I so wish I had Banzi besides me but I have to do
this on my own. The delivering of the speech that is. He did help me set up the projector in the art room
and hugged me then lef. I want to run, I cant do this. But if I'm so scared of delivering the speech to
Miss Ncube how am I going to manage in Cape Town? I might as well quit now but then Banzi will have
me for breakfast.

You probably wondering what happened to us during lunch yesterday, and I will tell you just afer I fnish
giving my speech. That is if I don’t die from nerves frst. Miss Ncube is looking at me impassively and my
hands won’t stop sweatng. I wipe them on my slack, take a deep breath and plunge in.

During the speech I keep stealing glances at Miss Ncube to try and gauge her reacton but her facial
expression is unreadable. I stumble a few tmes and get discouraged and I stop. Miss Ncube gets up and
slowly walks to where I am standing downcast.

“Quit,” she says quietly and I look up in surprise.

“Because there is no point in going to Cape Town when you have already decided that you can’t do this.
You wrote a beautful speech Miss Omar, I know it, the judges will know it and you know it. But that
doesn’t maier. We all know how phenomenal you are except you. Your greatest enemy is that voice
inside your head Fatma. I wouldn’t have sent in your applicaton if I thought you weren’t capable of
delivering the winning speech. So before you go and embarrass me out there, quit.”

I feel so much anger and I want to show her that I Fatma Farrah Omar never quit. I square my shoulders
and start over. Everything is in sync and coordinated. I fnish and look at her and she's smiling proudly.

“I knew you had it in you, you just needed to see it for yourself.” There is pride in her voice and I cant
help myself I give her a hug. Nathi is rubbing of on me.

At frst she's startled and doesn’t respond but afer a second she hugs me back whispering in my ear,

“You are your own worst enemy, we can only see you as a winner if you see yourself as a winner. I wish I
could be there to see you giving the speech but I have no doubt you will bring the house down.” I feel a
lump in my throat, Allah what did I do in my former life to deserve such people who always spur me on.

As Miss Ncube helps me pack up the projector I send a quick text to Nathi and she sends back the
confrmaton I need. We are done packing up and Miss Ncube hands me informaton about the Summit,
two boarding passes and accommodaton passes at the Twelve Apostles hotel where the Summit is also
being hosted.

“You don’t need luck Farrah, you only need to believe in yourself, practce on perfectng your delivery
and you will be fne. I will be watching on television so make me proud.” I swear I see a liile moisture in
her eyes. I quickly scribble down on my whiteboard, technically its Banzi's whiteboard but oh well I’m
always using it now.

You don't have to watch on the tv, take my plane tcket and room I wont be needing it. But I do need
you with me in Cape Town.

Miss Ncube reads the whiteboard and for the frst tme I see her smiling a wide genuine smile, she’s so
gorgeous and smiling makes her look 10 years younger.

“Thank you Miss Omar.” I smile as I hand her one boarding pass and accommodaton pass.
The other ones are for Nura. I will be with the

Lunikas at their beach house and we are taking a road trip on the day afer schools close.

I fnd Bear waitng for me outside and he seems panicked to see my wet eyes.

“What’s wrong baby? Didn’t she like it? I Can make beier slides or edit the...” I kiss him briefy to shut
him up.

At least there is no teacher around or we would be in trouble.

I'm fne, she loved it she just said I should practce on perfectng my delivery and I will be fne. I sign afer
he fnally lets me go. Trust Banzi to hijack my shut-up kiss.

“I'll help as much as I can before you leave,” he reassures me as he takes my hand. If only he had been
so calm yesterday facing Nura. oust remembering how freaked out he was yesterday makes me want to
giggle and he gives me a questoning look. I shrug and grin at him.

So yesterday. We went up the staircase with Banzi saying less and less as we went up each foor. I really
hated the way girls and even older women were eyeing my grizzly bear. They were eyeing him like he is
some steak on a skiile. Not that he was even aware of them he was even sweatng a liile. I tried
calming him. But he was stll so tense and to make maiers worse Amaka had to come out of her room
just as we were getng on our foor.

“Ihunanya m' who is this your eye candy? Ima mma na na na OH look at you such a handsome couple.” I
could only smile at her and grab a stunned Banzi by hand and drag him to our apartment.

He told me later that he thought Amaka was my mother and that he almost peed on himself. Ok let me
describe Amaka for you. Amaka is a huge woman not fat huge no, but more of a tall and regal giant. Her
strength is obvious from her shoulders. Her face is serene when she is quiet but when she is talking her
face takes on an animated almost aggressive ferce look which scared my already nervous bear.

We got in and found Nura sitng on the bed, I showed Banzi the chair and he was literally sitng on the
edge of his chair. If I didn’t feel sorry for him I would have found it comical.
“Hello ma’am,” my poor baby was even stuiering a bit.

“You can call me Nura, and you are my daughter's boyfriend.” My mother though, she wasn’t the smiling
sweet Nura she usual is.

“Yes, my name is Banzi,” shame he was stll nervous.

“So Banzi what are your intentons with my daughter?” just like that!

I could see Banzi sweatng even more, the Lunika charm seemingly abandoned.

“I love your daughter ma'am.” At least there was convicton in his voice. I was just sitng cross-legged on
the carpet watching their exchange.

“Do you love her enough to marry her?” Mom! I gave her a death stare but she wasn’t even looking at
me. How could she put me on the Spot like that?

“Yes ma'am,” there was no hesitaton in Banzi's voice.

I looked at him in shock and he seemed earnest. Nura was also sizing him up.

Silence ensued and a staring match of some sort seemed to be underway. Nura seemed satsfed with
whatever she was looking for then she said something which is stll troubling me even today.

“When you lose her don’t beat yourself up and don’t hide behind drugs, she will fnd her way hone. You
are her home, take care of my babies Banzi.”

How did she know about the drugs? What did she mean when he lost me?

If Banzi was shocked by what she said he didn’t show it, he only promised solemnly.

“I will guard her with my life ma'am.”

I wonder what Nura meant she was beginning to worry me. But she assured me last night that she isn’t
sick just securing my future.

“Freckle-face I loved your shepherd’s pie,” Banzi's voice breaks into my thoughts and I smile at him.

He's not lying too he even asked for an extra helping. Afer that heated exchange at frst, Nura and
Banzi seemed to hit it of. I can safely say he charmed the pants of my mother. She even said that he
was raised well when he lef.

“So will you be cooking it for me again?” he asks with a puppy look on his face. He thinks he can charm
me as well.

No, I shake my head and let myself into his car. He has a hurt look on his face, he's about to sulk and I'm
smiling from ear to ear.

#Insert 24

Shopping with Nathi is always fun. For a psychologist this woman can gossip yoh. She makes fun of
people while standing next to them. The lengths people go to, to stand out is actually quite sad because
they end up looking like clowns.

Don’t look right now but that woman's hair looks like she angered her gay hairdresser in the middle of
the cut, she signs with a perfectly straight face.

oust two minutes ago she signed,

That lady in the nylon tghts looks like a Christmas tree ornament.

I can't keep up with her and we are both lucky I’m mute I would have long burst into fts of laughter and
we would have goien into tones of trouble.
Khanyo wanted to come with us but Nathi refused, apparently the last tme she went shopping with him
for lingerie, he ended up using a G-string as a sling and terrorizing the shop assistants with ping balls.
And he wanted to eat edible pantes. I think Khanyo is just Nathi in a younger male body. With Vuyo's
charm of course. I feel for his girlfriend whom he dumped because she refused to share her coion
candy with him.

Nathi was telling me about her family. She’s the last born and she was never really close to her older
siblings because of the age gap especially her sister who is 8 years her senior. Her brother though closer
in age never had tme for his annoying liile sister who was always following him and his friends around.
I get a feeling though that the sister was mean to her because Nathi said when it came out that she was
pregnant, the sister said that she knew Nathi would never amount to anything. That’s just a hurtul thing
to say even if your baby sister has fucked up and unlike you didn’t get married afer varsity. I asked if it
was the same sister who came to take Khanyo the other week and she said yes.

I admire your heart, how easily you forgive people, I signed to her and she looked thoughtul before
responding.

“It’s not easy letng go of the hurt but I forgive them not for them but for my own peace of mind. Anger
and biierness is like poison ivy the more you hold on to it the more you poison yourself. The truth is
people hurt you then they forget and move on with their lives and you are stll hung over that hurt
letng it spoil your future relatonships with other people. What’s that saying again… yes the axe forgets
but the tree never forgets or something like that. Truth is me forgiving my sister and going on to have a
successful career and a happy marriage is the best revenge.”

I thought about her words and maybe its tme I forgave and let go of the hurt I've endured over the
years. Nathi's voice breaks into my thoughts,

“Baby what do you think of these shorts and this bikini?”

She’s holding up a fimsy piece of denim which looks like it will barely cover my bui cheeks and don’t
get me started on the bikini. I frown a bit, I've never owned a short or a bikini in my life. Nura is a strong
believer in the Prophet's wordsi

“Tell believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty, that will make for greater
purity for them and say to the believing women to lower their gaze and guard their modesty and they
should not display their beauty and ornaments…” (Quran, XXIV:30, 31)
Her interpretaton of that scripture is rather strict if you ask me, that’s why I don’t own make-up or
shorts. Nathi notces the frown on my face and her voice is cajoling,

“Come on Freckle-face wakhe, it will be at the beach, we can look for a more modest bikini or that
beautful sarong over there. If I had a body like yours baby girl yhu Thixo I would show them!”

I end up fve bikinis richer, with two sarongs, four shorts, six pairs of fip fops and thong sandals. She
even insisted on buying me lingerie. This woman! I have learnt not to look at prices though I almost died
when she forced me to get a bikini going for R1000. I mean there are starving kids in Africa, or so the
Americans are always saying in their tv shows. Nathi can shop, by the tme she says we should go for
lunch at Rocco Mammas I am bone weary. We choose a corner booth and put our purchases under the
table. We place our orders while chatng or rather Nathi telling me about how Banzi was as a child.
Apparently he was worse than Khanyo.

A thin waif of a woman walks over to us and I feel Nathi tense and I see the shuiers closing in her eyes.
The woman looks me up and down and I stare back at her with the same bashful look.

“Nathi fancy bumping into you here what a small world.” This lady's voice is dripping with venom.

“Nothing fancy about Rocco Mammas but then again class is something you have no knowledge of
Rochelle,” I have never heard Nathi sounding so Arctc. The woman looks taken aback like she didn’t
expect Nathi to talk back.

“I see you’ve grown some balls, good for you lover,” something about this woman rubs me of the
wrong way.

“Oh they could never be bigger than yours, I don’t go around falsely accusing My married colleagues of
impregnatng me when I'm not even sure who of my many sexual partners did I give it to dry,” It's her!
The woman who almost destroyed Banzi's family.

She finches and responds tartly,

“Because of your no good husband I got fred from my job.”

Nathi snorts “Poor Rochelle, so tell me again why you came over to disturb my meal, are you looking for
a job?”

Rochelle hufs and shakes her non-existent behind to a table where there are other stck thin women
like her. Who eats salads at Rocco Mammas? I will never understand men. I mean that Rochelle has
nothing on Nathi except that she is yellow. No bui, no boobs in fact she looks like she's starving. I tell
Nathi as much and she laughs her beautful genuine laugh.

“You are just what I need baby girl,” she pinches my cheek and we go back to chatng tll our meal
comes and we eat, paying no mind to Rochelle and her group of friends who are trying by all means to
rile Nathi. I never understand women who draw pleasure from tormentng other women. I'm relieved
when we fnally leave the restaurant but my relief is short lived when I’m told that we aren’t done
shopping. Groan.

It’s the last day of school and I’m so excited. Nura did my hair into braids this tme, thin braids that
unted reach below my back. And no she didn’t use extensions, just my hair. I love the braids but of
course I have to te the braids because I'm going to school. I grab my backpack and our lunch and head
down.

Today is the last day I get to spend with Banzi for the next two weeks. I want it to be special. And I'm
sleeping over, it took a lot of persuading for Nura to agree, but we are leaving at around 4am tomorrow
morning so it only made sense that I should sleep that side. I already said my goodbyes to Nura and I
was kind of sad. I’ve never been apart from her for such a long tme. But I will text her every night and I
will see her in Cape Town. We will swing by to take my suitcase afer school.

I fnd my baby waitng for me looking glum. I feel bad now for feeling so excited while he is looking so
sad. He takes my backpack and the lunch and puts it in the backseat then he engulfs me in a bear hug. I
cling to him, his melancholy rubbing of on me. The taxi hoots and the noise of people going about their
business fades to the background and like in a movie we are wrapped around in our own liile cocoon. I
can hear his steady heartbeat and its in synch with mine. Afer a while he fnally lets me go and opens
the door for me. No word has been exchanged but we don’t really need words.

He puts on Rihanna's song, Stay and looks briefy into my eyes as the song begins,

“All along it was a fever

A cold sweat hot-headed believer

I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something"

He said, "If you dare, come a liile closer"

Round and around and around and around we go

Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it

Something in the way you move

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

It takes me all the way

I want you to stay”

I smile and squeeze his hand, I'm going to miss my grizzly bear. He drives the whole way while holding
my hand and I feel very clingy. I want to stay with him too but I've only just discovered my wings and I
want to fy.

(Tomorrow is my day of, be kind to yourselves, enjoy the weekend and get ready for the road trip on
Monday�. Much love�)

#Insert 25

“If you're frightened by what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to Lead you
places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own
path to happinessi don’t waste tme with regret. Spin wildly into your next acton. Enjoy the present,
each moment, as it comes because you will never get one quite like it. And if you should ever look up
and fnd yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest
place in your heart… where your hope lives. You'll fnd your way again.” Everwood

My heart is beatng so loudly I'm afraid someone will hear it and we will be caught and end up in a lot of
trouble. We are sneaking out of school, not literally Mr. Buf here is walking around like he owns the
school. I cant believe I let him talk me into this. During assembly he was telling me of Khanyo's
escapades at Gold Reef city how he went on rides tll he puked but he stll didn’t want to leave.
Apparently it was also Banzi's favorite place when he was a kid. I mistakenly, in hindsight, let it slip that I
have never been to Gold Reef city. It was like I'm the one who planned the military coup in Zimbabwe.
“We cant have my heart not knowing my favorite place, it's seiled we are ditching school,” all this said
in a wounded voice and his hand placed dramatcally on his chest. I tried refusing and telling him we can
go any other day not just today on a school day.

Did he listen? No, the fool acted like we are in a state of emergency and holding my backpack hostage,
he's leading the way out. It’s the last day of school so it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal you're
probably thinking, but that’s just it I am that student who never ditches school even on the last day. I
never miss assignments or class. And I'm ashamed to say this but I'm scared of heights. I mean I don’t
even go to the balcony at Safari, I struggled with the staircase at frst. Of course I haven't told Banzi of
my fear. Not that he's given me a chance. His whole face lit up when he said we are ditching school and
going to his favorite place. I'm not sure this is even for me. Needless to say we went out unnotced even
with the orchestra playing in my heart.

I've never seen my Bear so animated, it makes me want to push away my fear of heights just to enjoy
and experience his pleasure with him. We are here, it’s huge and he tells me we are lucky it’s a school
week day otherwise we would have found it packed. He takes my hand as he pays for the tckets using
his card. Nice life problems. I feel safer holding his hand and the excitement coursing through his body is
tangible, I can almost feel it in my toes. He smiles down at me, his eyes shining and I have no heart to
tell him that I am scared of heights.

“We're startng with the Anaconda, you’re gonna love it baby.” He’s so excited and inside I’m screaming,
say what now?

I don’t know what it is but I have a bad feeling about it in the pit of my stomach. I follow meekly like
Isaac being led to be sacrifced by Abraham. We get to this orange structure, it looks like it goes on for
ever and its almost deserted just us and this guy who is fastening our harnesses. Banzi doesn't seem at
all pleased when the guy is fumbling a bit longer with my harness. But that’s because he’s a mercurial
fool who thinks every guy who even looks my way wants me. I'm shit scared even my breathing is
irregular now. As if he can sense my fear, Banzi reaches over and claps my hand tghtly in his. I calm
down a bit then we start moving.

At frst its not so bad, we moving slowly and on an even kilt. Then suddenly the pace quicken and we
maneuver a steep descent and I feel my intestnes tghten into a twisted knot. I'm screaming inside and
this monkey next to me is whooping in glee. I'm so going to kill him! That is if my nerves don’t fail me
and I die up here. I screw my eyes shut tghtly, then Banzi is screaming on top of his surprisingly healthy
lungs.
“Freckle-face look below!” I shudder before I peak with one eye, we're nearing the very top. You can see
the whole of ooburg up here and I must admit its breathtaking. I'm now so caught up in how everything
looks so beautful I have forgoien my fear and it doesn’t feel like I'm about to die anymore. I'm stll
engrossed in the scenery, I'm almost disappointed when the ride comes to an end. Banzi quickly gets out
of his harness and stops the guy who is about to help me out of mine. I roll my eyes at the back of his
head.

“I think you deserve some candy foss afer braving your fear,” he says as he looks deep into my eyes.
I'm startled and wondering how he knew of my fear. As if he can hear my thoughts, he responds.

“I know you macaanto. I have learnt to read your body and your eyes because when you not being a
smart mouth, you are so good at hiding your pain and your fear.” He's been using that word ever since
he heard Nura call me that. I look down in shame because what he's saying is true. He lifs my chin up.

“Hey its ok to be afraid and to be vulnerable. I want us to be able to be vulnerable with each other and
trust that I've got your back as I know you have mine. Ride or die?” his voice carries a queston in the
last syllables. I smile looking into his beautful black eyes and I nod my consent. He seals our deal with a
short sweet kiss.

Then he makes us go and take the pictures from the ride. Apparently there are cameras installed they
capture you on the ride. In one of the pictures I look like I’m about to pee on myself and Banzi can't stop
laughing like a hyena. He says it’s his favorite, now he's being goofy. What did I tell you? My boyfriend is
mercurial. oust moments ago he was sweet and thoughtul Banzi and now he’s just a goofy fool. My
favorite picture is one where my eyes are closed and Banzi is looking across at me. I think I’m going to
frame this one. I'm being dragged to another ride, sigh. It’s going to be a long day.

It’s at night now and we are home. Funny how I already think of Banzi's home as my own. It’s just that
they are so welcoming and loving. You can't help but feel at home. And I did end up enjoying myself at
the rides. I think I might have conquered my fear of heights. It’s just that Banzi makes everything seem
so easy even when it’s the opposite. I’ve carried in my suitcase and placed it in the spare bedroom
where I will be sleeping. I'm helping Nathi with dinner and as usual she is talking my ear of, and I’m
smiling so hard my face actually hurts. She's done now and the boys have prepared the dining room
table. We sit to eat and Vuyo says the shortest prayer ever and we dig in. It’s quiet as we eat, Nathi's law
is that no one talks while eatng, even Khanyo is eatng his meal quietly. Another law is fnish whatever
you put in your plate. Dinner is done and Banzi ofers to help me do the dishes, Khanyo also wants to be
part of the acton. Banzi is annoyed by this while his parents fnd the whole thing funny. I end up doing
the dishes with a sulking Banzi and a chaiy Khanyo. Khanyo is busy signing forgets that he has a glass in
his hand and it goes crushing on the foor.
“That’s your cue to go to bed liile man, let’s go wash you up and get you ready for bed. We have a long
day ahead,” Nathi says scooping him up and giving me a kiss.

Banzi cleans up the glass while I fnish up the dishes. Vuyo stands up and stretches.

“You should also retre early Farrah, we leave tomorrow at dawn. Banzi no sex in my house but if you do
it anyways use protecton. Goodnight.”

I'm lef blushing uncomfortably at his bluntness while Banzi cant stop laughing. I huf and go upstairs to
my temporary room, luckily he doesn’t follow me. Since we leave early morning I decide to have a
proper bath tonight and a quick one in the morning. Their guest bedroom in suite is beautful, with bath
oils and the fufest towels in the world. I feel like a brand new person afer the bath and I wrap myself
in a big fufy towel which covers me from my boobs to just below my arse leaving my thighs exposed. I
don’t love my thighs they have tny scars splaiered over them but the have faded and now they look
like black dots scaiered across my thighs.

I drop the towel on the ground to apply my loton, I raise one leg and put it on the bed then bend to
start on my feet. The door swings open without warning and I’m petrifed as Banzi saunters into my
room without invitaton. When I'm fnally over the shock I scramble to pick up the towel but as my
hands reach for it Banzi tugs it out of my reach.

“Relax baby I just want to see you,” my heart is racing and I try to cover my breasts and kushy with my
hands which isn’t very efectve. He sees how uncomfortable I am and he wraps the towel around me.
But now his proximity is making my heart beat even faster but not due to any discomfort. He trails his
fnger on my arm and I feel goosebumps all over my body and an ache in the pit of my stomach. His eyes
have become smaller and I can feel his bulge poking me. His warm breath fans my face and I fnd myself
standing on tp-toe grazing his lips with mine. At frst he doesn’t respond then he is crushing my lips and
body against his. Kissing me with such need and desperaton that I feel the ache intensifying and moving
lower to my nether region. Abruptly he let’s me go and I’m lef dazed, the towel has fallen on the foor
unnotced. He looks at me and I see him gulp.

“Get dressed I need to use the loo.” His voice is a hoarse croak and I barely get what he’s saying before
he darts into the toilet.

I’m lef holding my slightly swollen lips. I snap out of my lustul haze and quickly wear my pajamas
without even fnishing applying loton on my body. Afer a while I get under the covers and Banzi is stll
in the bathroom. I hear the shower opening and just as I’m startng to doze he comes out of the
bathroom in just his boxer shorts and now It’s my turn to gulp. He is sculpted perfecton, at least his
soldier is at ease at the moment but my eyes are drawn to his crotch. That bulge seems huge. He clears
his throat and I raise my eyes guiltly.

“Ummm can I ummm sleep with you tonight? I promise I wont do anything I just want to hold you,” the
uncertainty in his voice is something I’m not used to.

His eyes are pleading with me and I nod my consent. He takes his I-pod from the pockets of his jeans and
scoots in behind me. Drawing me close to his warmth. My arse is nestled against his crotch and it fts
perfectly. He selects a song then when he's satsfed with his choice, he puts one earphone into my ear
and Ed Sheraan’s gentle voice flls my ears,

“I found a love for me

Darling, just dive right in and follow my lead

Well, I found a girl, beautful and sweet

Oh, I never knew you were the someone waitng for me

'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love

Not knowing what it was

I will not give you up this tme

But darling, just kiss me slow

Your heart is all I own

And in your eyes you're holding mine

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass

Listening to our favourite song

When you said you looked a mess

I whispered underneath my breath

But you heard it,

Darling, you look perfect tonight,”

I drif to sleep before the song even ends and I feel his warm lips brushing my temple then it's lights out
for me.

#Insert 26

I'm woken up by sof hands brushing my face. I cant remember the last tme I slept so deeply, I stll want
to sleep some more but the hands are so insistent. It must be this bed I'm sleeping on it is so sof and I
feel like burying my body even deeper in the bed. I feel so much warmth, then I notce that someone is
wrapped around me like a twine. I remember where I am and I shoot out of bed waking up my twine
and almost bumping Nathi's head. I hear Banzi cursing sofly behind me and I look into Nathi's serious
face.

“Banzi go to your bedroom, I'm coming now,” Nathi's voice isn't amused and I feel embarrassed.

Banzi is stll trying to wake up and he looks so cute I just want to kiss the sleep from his face. He gets up
and I want to bury my head under the sand. He is stll only wearing his briefs. He has a serious hard-on,
he notces were my eyes have strayed to and he takes a pillow to cover his front and he leaves. All this is
happening and Nathi seems not to notce, she’s looking at me like she's searching for something and
that makes me even more self-conscious and I fail to look into her eyes.

“Nothing happened,” the relief is audible in her voice and I look at her puzzled.

How did you know, I ask her and she smiles mischievously.

“I’ve been young once baby, I know. oust promise me when you are ready for sex, you will come and talk
to me.” She sounds serious and I’m uncomfortable with the whole conversaton. She senses my
discomfort and squeezes my hands.

“I know its not a comfortable conversaton to have but I'd rather you had it with me or your mother than
your peers. I don't want you to end up pregnant, you have so much to accomplish.” She sounds so
sincere and her concern touches my heart.
Why are you so kind to me? I sign, tears already threatening to fall. She wipes my eyes with her thumb.

“Because I wish someone had been as kind to me when I was your age. I love my husband and I wouldn’t
trade Lubanzi for all the gold in the world. But I wish I had waited and not fallen pregnant. Experienced
Varsity life and not had to live with my hurtul mother-in-law while my peers were getng accepted into
college. I wish I could have taken Matric Dance pictures but I didn’t I was too ashamed of my big bump. I
don't want you to make the same mistakes I made, you’re the daughter and liile sister I never had.” By
the tme she fnishes we are both in tears. She hugs me and I hug her back fercely. This woman is a gem.

“Now quickly go and bath before Vuyo leaves us behind.” She goes out and I get up.

I make the bed as neatly as I can and head to the bathroom. Today I opt for a shower, and I am as brief
as possible. I cant believe I shared a bed with a boy. Not just any boy but the boy whose kisses leave me
craving more of what I don’t know. What was I thinking? I'm even more surprised that he didn't try
anything except hold me like he was about to lose me. What would I have done had he tried anything?
Nura would be so disappointed if she knew this. But I don’t regret spending the night with my bear, I've
never had such peaceful sleep before.

Please Banzi keep loving me like you do, my heart whispers. I never would have thought that my rugby
jock could be so sensitve. The song he played for me last night is stll playing in my heart making my
mood lighter than it has been in a long tme. There is a sof side of Banzi that is in total contradicton
with his forceful and controlling nature. Is it really possible for these two opposing natures to exist in
one person or is he one thing and not the other. And if that’s the case which one is Lubanzi's true
nature? I ask myself as I apply loton on my body. Thoughts of Banzi coming in last night food my mind
and I fnd my cheeks burning up. I dress up in high-waist jeans, with a tucked in turtleneck and chugs. I
let my braids hang loose. I look ok and I add a whif of perfume on my neck. I repack my suitcase quickly.
Afer checking that I didn’t leave anything out of order, I roll my suitcase making sure to turn of the
lights.

I fnd Vuyo and a sleepy Khanyo already in the car, afer giving me a brief good morning Vuyo takes my
suitcase and places it in the boot. I wonder if Banzi is going to come to say goodbye and I wonder where
Nathi is, Vuyo is drumming his hands impatently on the steering wheel. Khanyo has curled up on my lap
restng his head on my bossom. He’s so peaceful in his sleep with his mouth slightly open. Vuyo toots
the horn startling Khanyo who half-opens his eyes when he sees me, he smiles and goes back to sleep.
Nathi comes out followed by Banzi who is dragging a suitcase. Vuyo looks like he’s about to blow up.

“What’s the meaning of this muntuza, we talked about this. Banzi stays.” I cringe at the authority in his
voice.
“But daddy, you said he has to go back to rehab and he can go to one in Cape Town,” Nathi's voice is
cajoling.

“Muntuza how will he learn when you are always hiding him behind your skirts,” Vuyo doesn’t sound
like he is going to relent.

And he notces that we are listening intently to their argument. He gets out of the car and pulls Nathi
into the house, make that dragging her. It must be a family trait.

Banzi and I remain in awkward silence. He looks cute in jeans and a hoodie. He leans over to kiss me
which is hard with Khanyo in between us.

“Did you sleep well baby?” he asks looking into my eyes, I smile and nod.

“I didn’t, damn girl where did you learn to snore like that?” his voice carries a teasing lilt and I playfully
punch him on his chest. He tries taking Khanyo from me but the liile rascal just burrows his head
deeper in my chest.

“Damn the liile brat is getng more acton than me,” I know he's playing but I can't look him in the eye
anymore.

Maybe he's disappointed in me. I mean girls have been known to throw themselves at him and here I
was only curdling with him the whole night. How long before he wants more? And when I fail to give it
to him, will he go in between the legs of the next willing girl? My thoughts are burdening my heart and
its now lying heavily in my chest.

“Did I say something wrong,” he sounds alarmed. I shake my head in denial and plaster a fake smile on
my face.

He doesn’t buy it and he's about to queston me further when his parents show up. Nathi looks slightly
disheveled, her hair slightly standing on edge and she doesn’t look as put together as when she and
Banzi came out earlier. She looks fushed and has a slight glow to her. Vuyo is harder to read. He comes
up to Banzi hand held out.
“Car keys and all your cards tll I think you have matured enough not to go back to drugs.” I see Banzi's
face fall and I feel bad for him. He takes his wallet out with out hesitaton and emptes his cards and
hands over his car keys to his father who pockets them and enters the passenger seat I front. Nathi
pretends to be checking on Khanyo and whispers for my ears only.

“I’m driving as part of my punishment,” she doesn’t look too unhappy about her punishment. In fact she
sounds excited. I smile weakly at her, I’m just grateful that Banzi is coming with us. I don’t know what
miracle Nathi pulled but I'm just grateful.

She gets into the driver's seat and Banzi gets in next to me. We say a prayer before Nathi carefully drives
out of the garage. Banzi gets out to go and lock up, gets in and we are of. I feel my excitement building
up again.

“Which route are we taking Tatabo,” Nathi asks side eyeing Vuyo.

“We using the N1 route via Kimberly,” Vuyo stll scares me.

“But that one is not scenic and we used it last year. Why don’t we go via Port Elizabeth and then use the
Garden Route from P.E to Cape Town,” Nathi suggests in her sweet chirpy voice.

“Why did you ask me then if you already knew which route you want us to use,” Vuyo's voice is
exasperated. Nathi wisely doesn’t respond.

“If we are going via Port Elizabeth can we go via Durban?” Banzi chirps in.

“We can stll drop you of at Rehab.” Vuyo silences Banzi and he hufs besides me and looks out the
window. Nathi gives Vuyo the eye but he shrugs nonchalantly.

“Fine lets vote, those who want to go via Kimberly raise your hands,” of course only Vuyo raises his
hand. “And those who want to go via Durban and PE.” We all raise our hands and Vuyo scofs.

“Three days on the road, really? Remember there is the family braai on Friday.”-Vuyo
“Yaay us,” no one can miss the sarcasm in Nathi’s voice, Vuyo gives her the eye and she ignores him.

“Watch how you drive, you almost went through that Amber robot. Don’t even dare roll your eyes at
me.”-Vuyo. Nathi ignores him. Two minutes later

“Are you seriously not going to overtake that truck?”-Vuyo. Ten minutes later.

“That’s it pull over, I don’t want to spend the whole week on the road.”-Vuyo. Nathi hufs loudly

“We're on the high way Luvuyo where should I pull over,” she sounds pissed.

Banzi is silently laughing next to me and I’m just watching in bemusement. Nathi puts on some music, a
track by Beyoncé I think. Vuyo changes it to some Hip hop track. Then they start bickering over the
music.

Don’t mind them, they are like this on every road trip. It’s a text from Banzi.

I'm enjoying listening to them, I respond.

You look preiy with your braids down. Another text from him. I blush then I text him back.

You don’t look too bad yourself.

Nathi and Vuyo are now singing together along to a song and Nathi is stll the one driving. They seem so
in love it’s cute, you cant even tell they were bickering just moments ago. Khanyo is blissfully sleeping
unafected by his parents’ squabbles. My frst road trip and I’m glad I get to share it with them, the sun
is coming out and behind us trafc is slowly getng congested.

On our way now, take care I miss you already, I text Nura.

Allah be with you Fatma, I smile at her response. Now I can sit back and enjoy my frst road trip.
#Insert 27

“He found the colors to paint her where the world had lef her grey.” Atcus

We're fnally here in Cape Town and it's beautful. The air is fresher and a bit salty and I'm in love. As
Vuyo predicted the road trip ended up taking three days, not that I’m complaining. It has been three of
the best days in my life so far. I've seen the ocean, my love for water has solidifed. We went past the
North Coast not in Durban itself and I must say it was beautful, the lush vegetaton, clear blue skies and
it was much warmer than ooburg. Nathi would stop the car in a beautful spot and make us take family
selfes. I was assigned the duty of taking pictures on her Kodak and they are beautful if I do say so my
self. The Transkei was also excitng but the best part of the journey for me was afer we reached Port
Elizabeth.

We drove along the coast on the N2 from PE and overnighted in Tsitsikamma. Tsitsikamma, sigh such a
majestc place. How do I even begin to describe the beauty of that place? I found my own mini paradise
on earth. It has a ragged mountainous terrain shrouded in lush green vegetaton. Banzi took me for a
hike, the parents cried old age but tried to force us to take the hike with Khanyo. Banzi refused and for
once Khanyo agreed with his brother. We went across a narrow arch bridge, those rope ones. It was
framed in between two majestc mountains. You know my dilemma with heights. I was fne tll I looked
down and I felt dizzy and started hyperventlatng. I saw a couple looking at me like I'm weird and that
worsened my aiack. Banzi turned me around to face him.

“Farrah baby look at me, look into my eyes. Its ok to be scared but remember I got you Freckle-face. I
got you.” His voice was gentle like he was talking to a baby and it was soothing.

I felt my breathing going back to normal and I looked down again. The water looked green from on top
of the bridge and it made crushing and whooshing sound as it fowed. Banzi had his arms caging me in
and his chin restng on top of my head. And I felt safe, I wasn’t afraid of falling or drowning. The water
was even preter when we got of the bridge. I wanted to go in but my dreams of drowning haunted
me. Banzi grabbed my hand and ran into the water. It was freezing and the current dragged my fip-fops
away and my bare feet were tckled by the water. I forgot fear and just lived for that one beautful
moment, knees deep in water. The selfes I took using his phone were amazing, we looked cute together
or maybe it was just the amazing scenery.

When I started shivering from the cold, he got us out of the water and we sat on the sand, with me
between his legs restng my head on his chest. He kept playing with my braids and I wish I could have
stored that memory in a coral shell and magically kept it for eternity. No words were said but my love
for my grizzly bear intensifed that moment. I'm in love and I wish one day I can be able to say “I love
you,” just those three liile words coming out of my mouth. I don’t know how long we sat there in
silence tll the sun was beginning to set and the sight of the orange beams of the sun dancing over the
water which had turned a deep dark blue, blew my mind away. I couldn't take enough pictures. It was
tme to go and since I was barefoot, Banzi gave me a piggyback ride. His back is just as heavenly as his
chest. The joys of datng the rugby captain , his strength and agility are a big turn on if u ask me.

We slept in the cabins in the Natonal Park right on the Indian Ocean. That tme I slept alone while Banzi
shared a cabin with Khanyo. The sounds of the ocean were just the sleeping lullabies I needed. We
passed by Kynsan the next day but we didn’t get into any actvites there. We loved Route 62 between
Ourtdshoorn and Montague, with its arid sagebrush scenery. Ourtdshoorn had all sorts of things from
Cango Caves to ostrich farms, and shopping for the appealing but pricey ostrich products. Banzi fed me
ostrich biltong and I must admit though I was skeptcal about it at frst it actually tasted yummy. I'm
keeping some for Nura.

Vuyo then took us to Gansbaai for some shark actvites, Khanyo wouldn’t stop chaiering and squealing
loudly. I think he was in shark heaven. Nathi and I were not as fascinated and breathed easier when we
went to Hermaus for some whale watching. The whales were huge, I mean so huge I think the Titanic
could have fied in one of them. I was clicking away on the camera. Nathi did comment that Banzi was
in almost all the pictures. Hey don't look at me like that, he was a sinful dream in cargo shorts which
were hugging his perky bui beautfully. And his muscles were almost burstng out of the plain black
Gucci t-shirt. You would have been taking pictures of him too if you had been me.

And now we are fnally in Cape Town, and its magnifcent in the early dusk light. Khanyo is keeping up an
endless amount of chaier and I cant really focus on him because my eyes are busy taking in the
motherland. Breathtaking beauty. That’s all I can come up with. Banzi is the one driving now and Nathi is
sleeping behind with us. But her feet are somehow nestled on Vuyo’s lap who is sitng in front and
massaging them because they are swollen from all the travelling. When we are getng closer to our fnal
destnaton, Vuyo bites her liile toe while tckling the soles of her feet. Nathi yelps as she wakes up
looking around wildly. It’s so comical, Banzi has to park on the side of the road as they laugh at her. She
hufs and sulks the remainder of the journey.

We enter through a winding road and there is their beach house nestled on top of a tny mountain. It’s
white and glorious. Not as huge as their townhouse but it has a romantc air about it, it’s architecture is
medieval try picturing the liile house on the prairie but on top of a tny mountain instead silhoueied
against the beach and ocean. Or if you are a tv person, Charlie's Malibu beach house in Two and a half
men in smaller proportons. I couldn't take my eyes of the house.
“We came here for our honeymoon and I loved it so much, Vuyo bought it for me as our ffh
anniversary present.” Nathi whispers conspiratory to me as the male Lunikas offload our luggage. Wow
I’m lef speechless and she has that dreamy look in her eyes like she’s remembering her honeymoon.

“I think this is where Khanyo was conceived ,” or she’s remembering that.

Too much informaton if you ask me. But Nathi and Vuyo are so open with their love. During the road
trip they would kiss and hug in front of us, chase each other around and when Vuyo caught her, he
threw her over his shoulder smacking her behind. It reminded me of the tme I tried running from Banzi
too. And as if he read my mind, Banzi winked at me and I winked back which made him laugh hard.
Khanyo also joined in the laughter and it was cute how clueless he was but everyone was just happy, I
guess it rubbed of on him too.

Nathi takes my hand and leads me into the house. It’s just as beautful inside everything is light and airy,
Nathi explains that they had a cleaning company come and open the house the previous day. There are
pictures over the freplace of the family on previous family holidays and it’s all so beautful. I'm shown to
my bedroom by Nathi and I fnd my suitcase already inside. It’s a preiy room with earth colours, a huge
four poster bed and vanity stand with a chair. I love that it has its own bathroom. I unpack my clothes
and fold them neatly into the built-in closet. I think I'm going to love it here.

I go downstairs afer unpacking and fnd only Banzi in the lounge. He twirls me around tll I'm giddy and
proceeds to kiss me senseless. He hasn’t kissed me since I last kissed him in nothing but a bath towel.
He's actng corny but I have been craving his lips so badly, I kiss him back with just as much hunger if not
more.

“The rents and the brat went out to get us food. Wanna explore?” his voice is breathless and he's bitng
his lower lip as he looks down on me.

A dizzying combinaton I kid you not. I nod my head in a daze and he scoops me up like I weigh nothing
and moves us out of the house.

It’s dark outside but the star is clear, the stars are twinkling happily and the moon is standing out in cold
luminous isolaton. Banzi's kisses bring out the post in me, forgive me. But what I’m saying is it’s a
beautful clear night. He deposits me on the beach and we are standing watching the moon refected on
the water. This right here is our own tny bit of heaven.
“I used to come and stand here as a child. This was my spot, I would sing here with no one watching me
or judging me,” his voice is husky with so much emoton.

I turn in his arms to study him. His face is stretched in taut lines in the moonlight and his eyes are shining
with emoton. Banzi can sing? I had no idea, I’ve never heard him sing. He loves music yes, but he
doesn’t even hum along to the songs when they play most of the tme. But I wonder why him singing
makes him so emotonal.

He turns me back to stare at the ocean and he is squeezing me almost painfully. I understand he’s not
ready to talk about it yet. So I let him be, I don’t prod him I just share his pain in silence. I wish I could
carry it for him. I know how painful it is to sufer in silence. The night has turned cold and desolate and
we fnd comfort in each other's arms.

#Insert 28

“Hi, I’m LwandleLubanzi I'm a drug addict,” his voice carries a small amount of shame.

We are at the Cape Town Drug Counselling Centre, Vuyo was not playing when he said Banzi was going
to go to rehab. CTDCC is an outpatent centre that provides confdental assistance to individuals and
families experiencing problems with drug abuse. Vuyo brought us here in the morning and Banzi had to
go through assessment clinic. There generally they ask you about drugs that you are using, how much
you are taking and how much money you are spending. They said he has to come three tmes a week, to
meet with the counsellor, for a group session and one lecture. I’ve commiied myself to go through this
with him and I could see this meant a lot to him.

Afer the assessment clinic in the morning we went to the Table Mountain and had a cable ride. Nathi
explained that it wasn’t as busy in oune as it is during the peak seasons from October. I was excited
getng into the cable car tll it started ascending. You know my problem but at least Banzi was there
squeezing my hand. It was worth facing my fear because the view is preiy from the cable ride. I felt like
I was being lifed on the back on an invisible eagle, soaring above Allah's masterpiece.

When you are used to the hustle and bustle of oohannesburg, the congeston of the fats in Hilbrow
which block out the light and are in serious need of renovatons from the graft and slight stench of
urine. This becomes a novelty, the crisp fresh air, where all around you all you see are trees and
mountains. Nature at its best. We had fun then we went to the Kisternbosch Botanical gardens And I
swear it’s the pretest place I've ever been to. Afer a late lunch Vuyo dropped us at the centre so here
we are.
We’re sitng in a circle and it reminds me of The Fault in our Stars, Banzi is my Gus and he's staring at
me as he talks. As if no one else in the room maiers but me. His eyes are begging for my understanding.

“Hi Lwandle…” the rest of his name is mumbled. The group consists mostly of whites and coloreds and
besides us there is only one coconut black person. I doubt she can even speak any African language, I
heard her praatng with her neighbor with a fuency of one who is well accustomed to the language not
one who is forced to learn it and speak it at school.

But it’s understandable with the fees in this place most average black South African families couldn't
aford it. Banzi was lucky enough that his medical aid covers the R60 000 bill because it’s a private
centre. But Nathi said even the state subsidized opton can cost in the region of R5000 to R12000. That’s
the average salary of most white collar black families while the blue collar workers including Nura are
blessed if they can get R5000 salary. Mostly they range from as liile as R1200 to around R3000. That’s
our sad reality, fnancial emancipaton remains elusive across all African states for the majority of the
people while wealth stll circulates against the elite few. Let me not get carried away and focus on
Banzi's testmonial.

“At frst I took drugs to gain my parents’ aienton. They were so engrossed in their own lives I was
practcally raising myself at the age of 13. I tried to get them to notce me by getng into fghts at school,
that didn’t work. I tried shutng them out but they didn’t even take notce. I remember my frst snif,
afer the coughing and the splaiering I felt invincible, numb to the pain, oblivious to the rejecton and at
that moment I felt like nothing could hurt me. I was high as fuck in the same house where my parents
had become strangers and stll they didn’t notce.” He pauses like the memory stll caused him physical
pain and he gulped down water before contnuing.

“Then it became about numbing the pain, shutng out my mother's sniffled sobs which she thought I
didn’t notce or my father's hurtul words when he took out the frustratons of living with two women
under the same roof on me. And then I just became addicted to the adrenaline rush of being high. I'm
ashamed to say I don’t even remember how I lost my virginity. My life became a blur except for those
moments when I got my fx. Then my mother found out and shipped me to rehab and therapy. Then I
stayed clean tll this year. I learnt that my girlfriend almost got Raped and all the anger ad pain came
back I felt useless and I used drugs as an outlet. Now I'm just afraid that drugs will always be my crush
when I'm overwhelmed.”

Throughout his speech his eyes never waiver from mine and I see his pain, his anger and his shame. I
want so hard to absorb it for him. There's more I can just see it in his eyes. But they applaud him and
another one starts.
“Hi, I’m Paxton I’m a drug addict.”

“Hi Paxton”

Most of the testmonials are heart breaking. One turned to drugs because he was being molested by his
uncle since he was a kid and no one believed him tll he ended up using a screwdriver to kill his uncle.
Luckily he was acquiied but he was already neck deep in drugs. Paxton had to turn to prosttuton to
help raise herself and her two brothers, drugs were an escape from the shame and gave her the
strength to bear diferent men hufng on top of her. She said some of those men were savages burning
her back with cigareies, some refused to use protecton and wanted anal sex so she ended up HIV
positve. She says she wants to clean up her act because her young brother almost died from an
overdose of her drugs. Another got into drugs because she fell into the wrong crowd.

Most of the stories were deep and I found myself crying as I listened. We were somber as the parents
came to collect us. Banzi is sleeping with me again tonight but he’s crying and I am the one cradling him
and trying so hard not to cry.

“Bend your knees and keep your back straight. Feet apart. Perfect, now rise on the soles of your feet and
repeat the squat.”

How is he sounding so cool when my breathing is this ragged. I regret agreeing to work out with Banzi!
He’s a slave driver. And secondly he’s torturing me in his Play Hard and Work Out Even Harder vest
which is showing of his magnifcent physique and short shorts which are just messing with my visuals. I
think I have a thing for his bui, and his sweat is my aphrodisiac.

“Stop ogling me and Work on that bui baby,” there is laughter in his voice and sexual undertone.

Good he's as afected by this as I am. I have never worked out in my life and I must say I think today will
be my last day on earth. Afer I’m done with the sets I fop down on the yoga mat. My back and thighs
are on fre and muscles I didn't even know existed in my body.

“Get up baby we stll have to go on our jog before the sun comes up. I want us to see the sunrise on the
beach together.” Groan. I’m thinking of telling him exactly were to put his sunrise but he’s already
dragging me of my feet.
Where does he get all this energy? So early in the morning nogal. I almost strangled him when he
dragged me out of the blankets and forced me to wash my face, he even brushed my teeth, I was half
asleep. Then he threw me some yoga pants and a sports bra while he went back to freshen up. Now
here we are jogging down the sloppy area, he's fallen in step with my pace and is annoyingly chirpy. I am
not a morning person. But I must admit this place is beautful and the air is fresher in the morning. I
almost trip and he’s holding on to me in an instant. Then we contnue running tll we reach the beach. By
now my chest is weaving and burning yet this fool looks like we were just taking a stroll. I hate him!

Then I'm looking at the magnifcent sunrise and all is forgiven. I'm sweaty but he doesn’t seem to mind
as he’s holding on to me and kissing me all over my face. It’s tckling but am enjoying his lips leaving a
trail of wet kisses on my face.

Sing for me, I sign a demand.

“No Freckle-face face,” his voice brooks no argument.

I pout and put on Khanyo's puppy eyes and Nathi’s pleading face. He chuckles and shrugs his shoulders
in defeat.

“Fine, which song?”

The one you played for me in your room, I respond. He hufs.

“You didn’t even hear the whole song, you were snoring afer the chorus.” He really doesn’t want to sing
but I beg him with my eyes. And he relents.

His voice! Allah! It’s husky and deep, that voice meant for classic music not this hip hop nonsense. I
literally have goosebumps all over my body as I listen to him sing. He seems lost in the song too and the
verse which grabs my heart is this one, he’s staring into my eyes as he sings.

“We are stll kids, but we're so in love

Fightng against all odds

I know we'll be alright this tme

Darling, just hold my hand

Be my girl, I'll be your man

I see my future in your eyes”

I think I've found my new favorite song, Ed Sheeran- Perfect. I'm happy that I woke up and worked out
with him. I wouldn’t trade this moment for anything.

(So we stll experiencing power cuts family so I won't be able to respond to your comments and inboxes
immediately but I will try to get you your fx. Please bear with me. Much love)

#Insert 29 (oanine's Birthday insert)

“When you love something, you don’t threaten it. You don't punish it. You fght for it. You take care of it.
You put it frst.” Leslie Knope

We are on our way to Langa for the family get together, but it feels like we are going to a funeral. Only
Vuyo is cheerful the rest of us are sullen. Nathi bless her heart, made us go on a Spa treat “to brace our
bodies for the physical and emotonal torture” of being with her in-laws. Apparently that day when Vuyo
stood up to his mother, she packed her bags and asked her other son to buy her a plane tcket and she’s
been staying in Cape Town with him since. Good riddance if you ask me.

Now she’s dreading meetng her in the family thingy. Plus there might be drama between the monster
in-law and the new step-mother-in-law because they used to go to the same church. All this I was told in
the Spa, Khanyo was looking all sorts of cute with an avocado mask on his face and tny cucumbers on
his eyes. He is always coping everything its adorable though Banzi says it's annoying. Nathi said all her
sons are mommy’s boys when they are stll young but grow closer to their dad in their teens. But the
way Banzi's eyes sofen whenever he talks about or to his mom, its clear he's stll very much a mommy's
boy.

The car has turned into a busy looking street. Busy as in everyone seems to be in the streets but its not
clear what exactly it is that they are doing in the street. Nathi is deathly quiet and I see Vuyo squeezing
her hand. Banzi is also quiet. But then he's been ofsh ever since he sang for me. He didn’t even want
me to compliment him. I'm lef as confused and exasperated as you. But he's also clingy, he just wants
to hold me and not say anything. Like now he is absentmindedly drawing circles on my arm and his head
is laying on my lap. Khanyo has been shootng him ugly looks it’s actually funny. We are pulling towards
the gate with the most cars outside. Seems like the party is already in full swing and I'm nervous. I don’t
do well in crowds of people that I'm not familiar with. This will be good practce for when I have to give
the speech, so I straighten my spine and get out of the car.

Banzi is already inside the gate shoulder bumping with males who have a striking resemblance to him. A
good gene pool this family has. Nathi takes pity on me and takes me by hand, actually she links her arm
with mine and leads me through the guys who let out a chorus of,

“Tah Mamzo,” Nathi smiles back and contnues leading me inside. The house is beautfully built and it
looks like it deserves to be in a modern suburb area not a township. There are braai stands outside and
some are already manning the meat there while drinking beers from the coolers next to the camp
chairs. More greetngs pass over my head and all I can do is smile awkwardly besides Nathi who hasn’t
let my arm go. I’m really grateful for her. We enter the glossy door and go through the sitng room
where Vuyo is sitng with his father, we greet them and the father smiles kindly at us, even gives Nathi a
warm hug which is awkward because she hasn’t let go of my arm so it turns into a group hug of sorts.
Afer he inquires on her health, her work an her children and is fully satsfed with the responses we
proceed through the dining room.

We meet the devil’s grandmother sitng there like a High Court judge. Nathi greets and the old crow
harrumphs in response. There are other old cronies with her and the responses vary in their degree of
warmth. One warm and friendlier gogo pinches my cheek lightly asking cheerfully,

“And who is this beauty with you? All my sons are stll unmarried and our kraal is huge enough.” Nathi
laughs her loud tnkling laugh.

“Too late makhulu, we have already prepared the best cows for this one. NguFreckle-face kaBanzi.”
Monster-in-law snorts and everyone ignores her and I'm uncomfortable being given all this aienton.

“Akasemhle! Sawubona baby,” she reminds me of Gog' Flo from Generatons and I smile warmly back at
her an sign my greetng.

“She cant even speak! We are going to die, this witch keeps bringing these cursed creatures into my
family!,” the venom dripping from Banzi’s grandmother goes straight to my heart. But I’ve been called
worse so I just look at her blankly.
Awkward silence has flled the room then Gog’ Flo is admonishing the old crow. Nathi squeezes my hand
an I squeeze hers back. I'm fne really, I have had to develop a thick skin to insults. Ignorance really is
ugly.

“Nathi! I thought I heard your voice. What are you doing not coming into the kitchen? You know you
make the best chakalaka.” Allah here is another Nathi! Only this one talks faster and doesn’t even pose
for breath. She looks like she's around Nathi’s age. She hugs Nathi kissing both her cheeks and mouth.
She does the same to me.

“Nx! Home-wrecker!”-Monster-in-law says loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. So this is the
new wife, we are now all holding our breath waitng to hear or watch what unfolds. The young Mrs.
Lunika folds her arms and looks at the former Mrs. Lunika.

“Give it a rest Porta. Everyone knows you wrecked your own hone with your sharp poisonous tongue.
And you know that I only started datng Vuyolwethu a year afer your divorce was fnalized. So go ahead
call me names but I am not the one who has to live of her children. Nathi and you too nana come to the
kitchen.” All this said unhurriedly, voice neutral and facial expression bored. I think I’m going to like her
and this is going to be one family braai for the books.

Afer a lot of peeling while listening to the fowing chaier, inside jokes, gossip and endless laughter,
fnally all the salads are ready. The meat has also been brought in and everyone is queuing with
disposable plates at hand. Banzi has fnally remembered that he has a girlfriend and he’s holding my
plate along with his and has me frmly aiached to his hip. I don’t mind really, I’ve heard enough ratchet
talk to last me a life tme. Those women in the kitchen are freaks and my mommy dearest is the
freakiest freak if there is such a term. I went from blushing to turning beetroot red at their sexcapades.
Hello I’m stll a virgin, I wanted to remind them but of course they even forgot I was there.

“No don’t put any sausages on her plate, she doesn't eat pork,” Banzi’s voice brings me back from the
traumatc conversaton I was reliving.

“Esi ‘sdenge asazi ukuthetha?” I turn and look at the skank who just said that. I say skank cause her
ripped shorts make Vegas call girls look like nuns. I hate how people always assume that because I'm
Somalian and mute, I can not hear Bantu languages. Hello South Africa is the only home I know since I
was 3 and I stay in Hilbrow. How can one survive there without some grasp of local languages? Banzi
must have heard her too but he ignores her and hands me my plate.
“Come baby lets go hang with the boys, they’ve been nagging me for an introducton.” I give the skank
one last evil look and follow my bear. Not that I have a choice, he's already pulling my arm.

We go to the lawn where his cousins are sitng. He introduces me as his queen and I melt as I smile at
them. There's only one chair lef, Banzi sits and places me on his lap. I'm not really comfortable but he
sees nothing wrong and he is talking and joking with his cousins while I nibble on my food. And I'm so
hungry people! All I want is to fnd a secret corner and wolf down my food in peace. But no, I have to sit
here and nibble pretly. I’m even more uncomfortable because one of Banzi's cousins keeps staring at
me like I'm a piece of meat.

Finally, I'm done! I take Banzi and my plates and get up to go but not before he kisses me. I squirm, I’m
not used to these public displays of afecton. In the kitchen Nathi starts introducing me to those who
came afer I lef and I smile as I'm being paraded. I leave to go back to Banzi outside.

The sight that greets me! The skank is straddling Banzi and her shorts are hitched even higher showing
her bui cheeks. I'm feeling a foreign burning sensaton in my stomach and my mouth tastes biier. Is
this what jealous rage feels like? Because I really feel like killing someone. I turn before I see more and
do something I will regret and go to the other side of the house where there is no one. I'm stll in a daze
and struggling to breathe.

Afer a while I hear someone approaching and assume it’s Banzi, I’m so angry with him I don’t even
want to look at him. I feel hands on my breasts and they are squeezing. But this isn’t Banzi’s touch, this
is an icy cold grip. Alarm grips me and I try hard to shove him of tll I succeed. It’s that cousin who was
staring at me. I try not to show how scared I am of him, he has this cold look in his bloodshot eyes. I try
to make my way from him and he fings me to the ground. My impact with the gravel is hard and I scrap
my knees and elbows. His breathing is hard behind me and I try to crawl away.

No! Not this again! And I can’t even scream for help. He yanks me hard using my braids and I feel my
scalp almost tearing from the brute force. I'm praying to Allah to have mercy on me and by now tears
are falling down my face.

“I’ve seen how you’ve been looking at me. You want me don’t you. You want a real man not that
cheeseboy who has been holding you. I bet he can’t even fuck properly. Let me show you how a real
man fucks.”
His words are slurred and the stench of alcohol and dagga hit me square in the face. I can't even beg
him to stop as he rips my dress apart. I can't take this anymore Allah, I’d rather die. Please take my
worthless life. I shut everything out and try to shield my breasts with my bloodied arms.

#Insert 30 (Wyna's belated anniversary gif)

“Come now don’t act like you don’t want this,” he says wrenching my arms from my chest.

Something deep within me snaps and I direct all my power to kicking his balls hard. He howls and falls
on top of me and I struggle to get him of me.

“Bitch!” he whines his voice now a thin refecton of pain.

I don’t wait for him to recover, I run which is hard with my bleeding kneecaps. I hear him struggling to
stand behind me but I keep running not caring that my dress is torn and I must look a sight. My heart is
beatng wildly in my chest and tears are blurring my eyes, I don’t even see where I'm going tll I bump
into someone. I immediately recoil thinking it's that creep.

“Farrah where have you been? I've been looking all over for you. What happened to you?” I sag in relief
when I hear Banzi's worried voice then I remember what I saw. This is all his fault! I wrench myself from
his arms and I grab the nearest bowl next to me and empty its contents of punch on him.

“What the…?!” I start hitng him square in the chest with my bruised fsts while tears stream down my
face. He crushes me to his chest and holds on even as I struggle and step on his foot, he doesn't let me
go. I end up just crying in his arms we are now a gooey mess. When I've calmed down a bit he lets me go
and without asking a queston heads back the directon I came from. I don’t want him to go, but he is
too strong for me to hold back and there is no one around. I struggle to catch up with him. When I do, I
fnd him hitng his cousin and the creep is just laying there. Banzi is like a man possessed and I try to get
him of him but I can't. So I run back to where everyone is chilling enjoying themselves. I hear gasps as
they see me but I don’t have tme for them. I fnd Vuyo and he is also shocked to see me in my state.

You have to stop Banzi before he kills him, I sign desperately.

 Vuyo is already up on his feet and running the directon I came from. I feel Nathi’s familiar embrace and
all the events of the past thirty minutes come crushing down on me. I shiver uncontrollably as I break
down. The tears food my face and they keep falling, I feel someone wrapping something around me but
I’m just in a daze, wondering where I found the strength to fght back. Banzi would have been too late
and that creep would have… He wanted to… it’s hard for me to even admit what he wanted to do to me.
I hear loud cursing and screaming and I wipe the tears from my face.

I want to go and see what’s happening but my feet feel like they are made of lead. I feel myself being
lowered to a chair and the shivering won’t stop then I hear angry bickering voices.

“No Vuyo you can't call the police for that Kwerekwere thrash for all we know she was busy leading my
grandson on!” I would know that voice even if I was in a mortuary.

“Oh so because like me she's a foreigner, she deserves to be raped. What kind of a monster are you
Porta?” that sounds like the step-mother-in-law but she's so angry her English isn't coming out as good
as it usually does. I think her English bundles have been depleted by her anger.

“Enough! Son call the police,” the command in the grandfather's voice is unmistakable.

“Mara Lunika isn't that harsh, he is your grandson too. I'm sure he was having a bit of harmless fun. And
Vuyo and his son have already beat him to a pulp isn’t that punishment enough? Let him just apologize
and let’s put this maier to rest as a family. It's not like she can talk or she will say anything to anyone.”
This woman's heartlessness doesn't shock me anymore.

There’s a bit of commoton and I hear them coming to where I’m sitng and I don’t even have the
energy to look up.

“Does this look like a liile fun to you? Look at her Porta, does she look like she is having fun?” the
grandfather's voice is brimming with anger now and there is no response.

I hear sirens signaling the arrival of the police. All this while my face is bowed down. A male ofcer
comes to me and asks what happened. I can hear him and I want to respond but it’s as if my soul has
detached itself from my body. I feel him sit next to me, my bear is sitng next to me and he gives me a
huge hug. I'm stll mad at him but I need him next to me. I need his strength. I'm fnally able to move my
limbs and I take a huge breath and start narratng. The poor ofcer looks lost, I don’t blame him they
don't include sign language in their training. Are there even deaf and dumb ofcers or mute ofcers?
I’ve never seen one. Nathi steps in as an interpreter.

Banzi finches when I narrate that I saw the skank on top of him and that I went to the other side of the
house just to calm down and that’s when the psycho followed me. It’s hard narratng further how he
manhandled me, the things he said. Banzi is holding my waist so tght it’s painful but I don’t want him to
let go. Afer the ofcer has taken my statement, they take pictures of me and I feel naked and exposed
but he explains that it’s procedure and they ask me to remove the dress they need to take it in as well.

There's an ambulance now and one of the aides checks me and I have never felt so violated and prodded
in my life. I understand that she's only doing her job but a liile empathy couldn’t hurt. I’m already an
emotonal mess. They clean my elbows and my knees, the antseptc stngs like hell. Banzi refused to
leave even when they were undressing me and truth be told I was relieved that he was there. When
they are done and leave with the creep in a stretcher but also in shackles, his face is barely recognizable.

Arenzia, Banzi's new grandmother bathes me and she’s careful not to hurt me. I welcome her gentle
chaier turns out she’s older than Nathi but she just looks youthful. Her son, Banzi's uncle just turned
two. When she's done she dried me and applies loton and makes me wear one of her dresses. My head
and my body ache. They want us to sleep here but I want to be as far from this place as possible and
Nathi agrees with me. We leave and head back and I drif to sleep in the car.

I'm woken up by the drowning nightmare and I’m drenched in my own sweat and tears. Banzi is trying to
soothe and calm me down. I don't know how I got into the bed or who changed me into my nighte. I
look at the clock next to me it’s 2am.

“I’m sorry Farrah this is all my fault. I swear I didn’t do anything with that girl she sat on me and I asked
her to get up but she wouldn’t tll I had to roughly get her of me,” his words are hasty chasing each
other as he tries to reassure me.

I don’t care anymore. What happened, happened. Maybe my virginity is a curse that these demons keep
trying to purge me of. I'd rather lose it to Banzi at least he cares for me rather than some pervert. I
straggle Banzi and I kiss him with all the desperaton I felt before. At frst he's unresponsive but I’m also
relentless in my pursuit. He ends up kissing me back with the same force. I forget everything and pour
myself into the kiss. When things are getng heated, Banzi springs of the bed and switches on the
lights. I must look dazed and hurt. He comes and kneels before me,

“You are hurt baby, you should get some sleep.” His voice is gentle and coaxing. I shake my head.
Make love to me, I plead with him. He looks shocked by my request.

“No baby, I can’t take advantage of you like that. Go to sleep.”

With each word of rejecton I feel a thousand knives go through my heart. Why won’t he help me get rid
of this curse? Am I that repulsive to him? I mean he could easily hump Lerato and two other girls but
he’s refusing to sleep with me when I have ofered myself to him on a silver plaier. I turn in shame and
face the other side of the bed. I hear him curse and then he’s getng into the bed next to me and
crushing me to him. He is kissing me with so much hunger I feel like my whole body is on fre. Then he
pulls out and brings my hand to his crotch. He's huge, my eyes pop out into saucers as I feel his hard
length.

“This is what you do to me Fatma. I want you so bad it hurts, I even fnd other girls throwing themselves
at me repulsive cause all I want is to bury myself in you. But not today macaanto. You’ve been hurt
because of me and I want your frst tme to be special and I want to be all you think of as I take you.”

His voice is so hoarse and for some weird reason I fnd myself crying. The tears fall fast and hard and my
chest feels like its on fre. I cry and he holds me, gently brushing my back tll I fall into a deep, dreamless
sleep as the frst light touches my window.

#Insert 31 (Mvuzo this one is for you)

“ Because they are mean is no reason why I should be. I hate such things, and though I think I've a right
to be hurt, I don't intend to show it." (Amy March)

Louisa May Alcoi, Liile Women

I'm nervous. This is it, hours of practcing and perfectng the speech have all led to this moment. I look at
Nura, she looks dazzling in green, giving Cardi B a run for her money. She few in yesterday and I have
never been happier to be in her arms. And no I didn’t tell her of what almost happened to me, that
would have killed her.

Its been a week and I’m slowly moving on from the braai fasco. I haven’t cried since that night in Banzi’s
arms. Banzi, sigh. He hasn’t been the same, he blames himself for what happened. I know I should be
traumatzed about what happened but I’m more worried about my bear. What if he relapses? He took
drugs when I told him about what happened before he was even in my life. I'm scared for him and that
has preserved my sanity.

I have to be strong for the both of us. He’s so angry and mostly at himself, he tried pushing me away but
I wouldn’t let him, how could I? When I woke up the following morning and found myself alone in my
bed I washed my face and brushed my teeth, put on a sports bra and tghts and went down to the gym. I
found him hitng that boxing thingy with a vengeance. I watched him for a bit marveling at his strength.
Then I went and held the punching bag for him. He looked at me with bloodshot eyes, he seemed cold
and distant.

“Go back to bed Fatma, I’m going to hurt you.” I pursed my lips and dug my heels in.

He growled and repeated his order but I'm more stubborn than him so I quietly held on to the punching
bag. The force of the frst punch almost had me losing my bearings but I held on. He didn’t say another
word but contnued kicking and throwing punches like his life depended on it. I held on tll my hands
were sweaty and slippery and burning from how tghtly I was holding on. When he saw that I was
struggling, he immediately stopped and ordered me to rest. He was dripping with sweat and y'all know
what his sweat does to me.

Mentally I know I should have been repelled by even the sight of him or not even want to be touched by
him but my stupid silly heart yearned for his touch, it wanted his gentle touch to erase the repugnant
touch of that pervert, at that moment I needed to hear his love flled voice assuring me that I’m not
cursed, that I’m not dirty nor thrash. But he wouldn't even look at me. I can’t really explain what that did
to me. He was strumming my pain with his aloofness. But I realize now, he was hurtng too even more
than me.

He had his back to me the whole tme only turning to me with boxing gloves and arm pads. They were
pink so I assumed they belonged to Nathi. He crouched in front of where I sat slumped and took my
hands and when he saw my elbows which were red and bruised I saw his whole face compress into an
ugly expression even though his touch was so gentle.

“This is all my fault, I should have…” I put my free hand on his mouth. I didn’t want to hear him blame
himself neither was I going to blame myself for going to a secluded area in the house. Yes I'm vulnerable
but that didn’t give that pig the right to follow me and lay his flthy hands on me. I won’t succumb to
victm’s guilt, Had I not gone there or worn that then he wouldn't have tried to hurt me. Because I didn’t
make the choice for him, he did. And though Banzi was preoccupied with the skank on top of him, he
didn’t send the vile man afer me. It was no one's fault but that pervert and even though he hurt me
emotonally I wasn’t about to let him ruin my perfect holiday and let him lead my boyfriend back to
drugs. When I took of my hand I kissed him. He responded with as much need for reassurance as I did
and with as much hurt and anger as I felt.

“When you’re ready to aiack, you must be able to accurately judge the distance between yourself and
your opponent.” Banzi's voice was crisp and business like as he positoned me. And so began my
kickboxing lessons. He’s been training me to defend myself every morning, I even feel lean and lithe. We
stll went to rehab together.

Nathi had suggested I go to therapy too but I assured her I was fne. Till the next day when I looked at
the mirror and I saw his leering face and felt his breath on my face. I picked up the hair brush on the sink
and threw it at the mirror and everything else that I could fnd and only stopped when Banzi dragged me
kicking and breathing heavily from the bathroom. I wonder why he is stll with me I’m so damaged, I fear
there is nothing lef of me to give to him. He should be with a normal teenage girl who can sing along to
Taylor Swif, does partes and doesn’t have half the baggage that I have. But he’s been going to therapy
with me too as my interpreter. I don’t deserve him.

“Miss Omar? You are up in 15 minutes,” the crisp business like tone breaks into my thoughts. I drag
myself to the present and look at the lady in front of me, she looks immaculate in a high waist black
pencil skit, with the ruffled silk blouse tucked in. I nod my head and smile nervously at her. Then I
remember that she can only see my eyes. She goes on her way and I look at the stage. There’s a girl
giving a speech about how necessary sanitary pads are and that they should be given out for free.

I look out at the crowd and the room seems packed. We are in the Twelve Apostles hotel ballroom but a
makeshif stage and the sitng arrangement have turned it into a concert area of sorts. I see the hotel
chairman sitng in the front row his electric blue eyes intent on the girl making a speech. Mr. oarred
Levine, we were introduced to him last night at the formal dinner which was a meet and greet. Next to
his side now is his lovely wife Nompumelelo, whom he called his Lelo. The chemistry between those two
was obvious even yesterday. They are touchy feely like Vuyo and Nathi. Speaking of those two I spot
them on the second row next to Nura and Miss Ncube. Vuyo looks bored, he’s even yawning and Nathi is
listening aientvely one hand on her cheek. Khanyo is fdgetng next to her, his head keeps turning this
way and that way. I guess he’s also bored. My eyes scan for Banzi and when I can’t fnd him I start
panicking.

To calm myself I put my earphones on and select Demi Lovato's Skyscraper.

Banzi's love for music is seriously rubbing of on me. Music I have come to fnd is therapeutc. It calms
me and my energy is channeled by the song. I feel calm as the startng notes echo through my ears.
Then Demi’s voice with its sof Latno lilt flls my head, calming my frayed nerves.
“Skies are crying, I am watching

Catching teardrops in my hands

Only silence, as it's ending

Like we never had a chance

Do you have to make me feel like

There's nothing lef of me?”

I have listened to this song countless tmes in the past week and it spoke to my situaton, it was like she
felt my pain, knew how vulnerable the big bad world has lef me. How I wish I could sing along to it. And
now my favorite part of the song, the chorus begins,

“You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass

Like I'm made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears, I awaken

And untangle you from me

Would it make you, feel beier

To watch me while I bleed?

All my windows stll are broken

But I'm standing on my feet”

I feel hands on my arms and I jump slightly already on the defensive, just how Banzi taught me. I’m
relieved when I notce its only my grizzly bear. He takes my earphones of and pockets my IPod. Well his
actually but it might as well belong to me.
“Feeling nervous?” he asks gently, I'm tempted to retort no I’m feeling marvelous but that’s just my
nerves making me cranky so I nod and he kisses my forehead.

“Its ok to feel nervous but you are going to bring the house down.” I hug him remembering Nura’s
words,

“You are going to do great macaanto, because you are an Omar and Omar women are made of steel.”

I want to stay in his arms forever but all too soon the MC's voice cuts across our embrace calling me to
the stage. This is it. It’s game tme.

#Insert 32 (Happy Anniversary Lelo�)

I wipe my wet palms nervously on my Chador, the sof silky texture of the material is a bit calming. I look
at the sea of faces looking up at me expectantly and I feel my scalp prickling with nerves. I send a silent
prayer to Allah take a deep breath and signal to Banzi that I’m ready. The projector fres up behind me
and I just hope everything is in sync. The Chador acts as the perfect camoufage to cover the tny record
player aiached to my hidden microphone.

“No one leaves home unless home is the mouth of a shark.” Those are the words of Somali-Britsh poet
Warsan Shire, a sad depicton of the refugee crisis in Somalia among other war-torn states across the
globe today.”

I try to manage my signing to be in perfect harmony with Nathi's recorded voice. It was her idea to
“borrow” me her voice for my speech, I was speculatve about it at frst but I hope it works. And I hope
that behind me the picture of Warsan Shire is being projected with the words of my speech in English,
Somali and Zulu.

We practced this so many tmes and judging by Nathi’s beaming smile and Miss Ncube’s nodding
approval I haven't totally blown my speech yet. Nathi’s voice contnues and I also contnue signing,

“Following the outbreak of the ongoing civil war, many of Somalia's citzens lef in search of asylums
throughout the world. According to the UNHCR, there were around 975, 951 registered refugees from
the country in neighboring states as of 2016. A dauntng number as is the additonal 1,1 million
internally displaced persons.

Products of a torn naton which at one point was labelled as a non-state, today I want to celebrate
Somaliland’s daughters whose strength and perseverance is awe inspiring.

Contrary to most speculaton, Muslim women are among the most educated in the world in accordance
to the declaratons of the Prophet Muhammad that seeking knowledge is a binding religious duty upon
every Muslim male and female. A basic understanding of the life of Muhammad and knowledge of the
wives of the Prophet reveals several examples of women excelling within their felds of knowledge. For
example, the Prophet's wife Khadijah was not only a businesswoman but a successful one and his
daughter Fatma was well educated and respected. In fact Fatma's sacrifces to protect and support
human rights were among the most praiseworthy acts.

Fast forward a few centuries later, we have Ibthaj Muhammad, the frst Muslim-American athlete to
win a bronze medal in the Olympics. But she is beier known for being the frst to wear a Hijab while
competng for the United States. And of course I have already mentoned Warsan Shire but I didn’t
menton that she was the frst Young Poet Laureate for London at age 25. While 33-year old Iihan Omar,
a Somali-American refugee made history by becoming the frst Muslim woman of East African descent to
be elected as a U.S. State Representatve. Fadumo Dayib the daughter of Somalian parents, born in
Kenya at 18 she arrived in Finland as a penniless and poorly educated asylum seeker. Today she is an
expert in public health and an award-winning actvist. Zymal Umar is the 9 year old Founder of Zee bags,
a social project that aims to help underprivileged children and the environment. Heraa Hashmi made a
Google spreadsheet of all the tmes Muslims did condemn terrorist aiacks. They all proudly wear the
Hijab because it’s Allah's will, an its part of our religion and part of our identty.

All these are examples of the strength and resilience of Somali women. Not to menton the countless
Somali women who have had to be breadwinners in homes where the males are wiped out by civil
unrest or crippled, we all saw the car bombings in the news. None of us want to be refugees or
immigrants. We didn’t ask for it but we make the best of what life has dealt us and all we ask for in
return is a liile kindness along the way. An acknowledgement that yes we are diferent but also human.

My name is Fatma Farrah Omar and this has been my speech on the African women I admire.”

I steal a glance behind me and there is a collage of all the women I named and the words Thank you
wriien underneath. A split second of silence and I feel my heart plummetng, I failed. Then the applause
is thunderous and I feel relief, I curtesy briefy and walk of the makeshif stage into Banzi's waitng
arms. He lifs me up and twirls me around tll I feel like puking.
“You pulled it of baby. You totally killed it.” I’m beaming at his praise but only the judges will decide and
he isn't a judge.

We are now out for dinner at Mr. Levine's expense at his hotel. He invited us afer awarding me my
prize. Yup you heard right, I won! I can’t put the giddy emotons which flled me when my name was
called out, into coherent words. It felt like I conquered the world. Then Nura had to spoil it. Even now at
dinner there's stll a bit of tension between us. Ok let me tell you what happened.

The scholarship which was my prize, was for the University of Nigeria and Nura fat out said I’m not
going to Abuja and she wont say why. Abuja has always been a no go zone with Nura and I want to know
why. She felt so strongly about it, oarred had to ask them to change the scholarship to the University of
Cape Town. I wonder what Nura is hiding in Abuja. But just thinking about it is spoiling my mood. Let me
focus on dinner. It's me, Banzi, Nathi and Vuyo, oarred and Lelo, Nura and Miss Ncube. Khanyo
reluctantly went with his new grandmother who had come for the speech. He only relented when his
young uncle was mentoned. oarred is saying something and that snaps me out of my thought.

“We've known each other for close to 25 years, been married for 5 years now, we were separated for 16
years but somehow fate brought us back together at this very hotel,” there is warmth in his voice as he
looks into the eyes of his wife who is blushing like a school girl. I never thought such love existed but
seems like it does. I wonder if Banzi and I were to be separated for that long, would our love stll remain
the same. We're going together to UCT, well that’s the plan anyways.

“She used to follow me around when she was 12 and I was 15,” Vuyo says tckling Nathi and the whole
table laughs. Their love story is cute.

“I used to make sure every girl that he dated met with an ‘accident’” Nathi says putng quotaton marks
using her fngers. That’s the frst tme I’m hearing about it and from Vuyo's expression it’s the frst tme
he's hearing about it too.

“Nura you have such an exceptonal daughter I stll can’t believe she’s mute.” Lelo’s voice has quiet
authority to it. They were surprised that I can't speak and that I used Nathi’s recorded voice to give my
speech. Nura smiles widely beaming under the praise.

“Was she born mute?” that’s oarred asking and Nura's smile slips completely.
“Yes,” her voice is sof and pained. But I know my mother, she is lying. So many questons are going
through my mind right now and I just can’t deal.

“Do you have children?” Nathi asks cutng into the awkwardness.

“We have four children and a grand-daughter.” Lelo responds smiling as she sips on her red wine. You
wouldn't tell that she’s a grandmother. She has a baby face which is plump and her ebony skin radiates
good health.

“We are actually on our Granny-moon. Amandla said we need to take a Granny-moon so here we are,”
there’s so much warmth in oarred's voice, you ca just tell the grandkid has him wrapped around her liile
fnger.

“I love the work you are doing at the Center,” Miss Ncube pipes up for the frst tme. Lelo smiles warmly.

“It was touch and go for the frst years, people weren’t trustng local brands they preferred the imported
brands but now they love our work and the children learn a lot.” You can just hear the pride in Lelo’s
voice, she loves her Center.

“We took Khanyo there once and he just loves the food at Pied Piper’s. Now I have to pass there on my
way from picking him up from day care.” Banzi looks bored by this whole conversaton but I’m
fascinated by these women.

“Funny story how I met the owner of that establishment. I was pregnant and craving ikota and
something about him just stuck out, his stall was very clean and his manner very friendly. And I ofered
to lease him some space at the Center for the frst year at the rates of his Kota stall. I haven’t regreied
my decision, his business has grown country wide, he even supplies schools now.” I cannot for the life of
me imagine Lelo’s French manicured hands holding ikota, let alone stufng it into her scarlet lips. But I’m
just glad she saw something in that young man. The truth is every once in a while, we all need a liile
push and someone to hoist us up.

Conversaton keeps fowing and I excuse myself to go to the rest rooms. I do my business, wipe and
fush then I head out only to fnd Banzi leaning against the door, inside the ladies' restroom. He doesn’t
even give me a chance to wash my hands, he’s all over me kissing me like there is no tomorrow. When
he fnally lets me go, I’m out of air and feeling a liile light-headed.
“I’ve been wantng to do that all evening. I’m so proud of you babe.”

My heart fuiers and I kiss him sofly. Then he let’s me watch my hands and we head back to the table.
Nathi gives me a knowing look and I blush. Seems like dinner is over, we say our goodbyes. It feels like
we have known the Levine’s forever. Nura and Miss Ncube retre to their rooms and we drive out.

“Such a lovely couple. To think she was once married to the Minister of Finance.” Trust Nathi to bring
the gossip.

“Unamanga babe,” Vuyo is encouraging her on.

“I’m telling you, their divorce was splaiered all over the newspapers. And oarred is estmated to have
billions…” I zone out her chaier as I lie on Banzi's chest. It’s been an eventul day and I’m exhausted,
before I know it I drif of to sleep.

(Its late I'm sorry we are stll experiencing power cuts. �)

#Insert 33

“They sure do talk a lot, don’t they? Do this, don’t do that. Be this, don’t ever be that. Live this way,
don’t die this way, don’t ever be anything else other than what they say, and heaven save you if you
ever speak out against the traditonal ways.

Be what you are. Good, bad, right, wrong, all words defned by others, long before we came along.

Be what you are. Be a jerk, be rude, be lustul, be prude, be conservatve or liberal, be straight-edged or
be free. You don’t have to answer to them or me.” Maihew D Eayre

“I just want to be a singer!” Banzi blurts out and throws a right hook at the poor punch bag. I'm holding
on for dear life while he offloads all his anger. It was an exercise we were given to do by our therapist.
She said you look at the punch bag and picture the face of your antagonist or the source of your rage or
pain, tell them what you feel or want to say to them and literally kick their imaginary arse. She had some
fancy name for the exercise but all I care about is that it actually works. I tried it and in my mind I saw
Nura and I told her where to get of with her secrets which afect my life and I punched her straight in
the nose, I'd love to think that I broke her nose and I felt some relief. Then I kicked those Nyaope boys in
the nuts while screaming all sorts of profanites at them, the Naidoos also got what was coming to them,
I caught the Lunika prick dead in the eye with a straight hook, I pulled at the skank’s fake hair and kicked
Lerato's bui. It felt good even though my body felt like I was thrown under a moving train.

“I’m never good enough am I?” Banzi hisses as he throws another mean punch and adds a kick for good
measure. I wonder whose face he sees on the punching bag but I really can't ask as my hands are full.
Sweat is pouring down his face, his vest is stuck on his skin and all I want to do is peel it of him. I’m so
caught up in my fantasy of undressing Banzi the next punch he throws, sends me crushing to the ground.
He rushes to me and pulls me up.

“Baby are you ok?” his voice is laced with concern. Except for a sore boiom and immortal shame, I will
live.

I suggest we jog to the beach and he obliges. See I’m now really into this ftness thing. It’s a bummer
that we are going back tomorrow. No more morning jogs. oogging in Hilbrow at dawn is begging to be
mugged, raped, killed or all the above. I wonder what kind of animals people have turned into. It’s a
jungle in oozi I tell you. They should name Hilbrow Lord of the Flies because it turns people into savages.
I take deep breaths of the crisp morning air and I’m grateful to be alive, to be able to witness the rise of
this beautful day.

Banzi plonks his body on the sand and I follow suit next to him facing upwards. We stay like that tll our
breathing paierns regulate and we are breathing in harmony. I'm about to fall asleep when Banzi's
voice breaks into my thoughts. It’s like he’s thinking out loud.

“For as long as I remember I have been told that I'm a bastard, that I’m not my father’s son by my
grandmother, my uncles and aunts and even my cousins. And you know what the sad part was? My
father never said anything to correct them. He didn’t stand up for me and proudly say ‘This is my son’.
oust those four words of validaton. So I tried hard to be like him. I am more like my mother, artstc and
sensitve but my father would say he doesn’t have a sissy for a son or a faggot for that maier. So I
stopped following my mother around, stopped learning how to cook even though I love the smell of
food coming together. I used to love singing too tll he said I sound like a gay Sam Smith. So I stopped. I
played rugby even though I hated the smell of sweaty armpits but that was the only way I could get him
to come and watch me play at school. He got excited and I got something to talk to him about. And
hearing that he got another woman pregnant and how he was fnally going to get a ‘real' son not this
child that this witch, my own mother had fostered on him, crushed me. And you know what is even
sadder? He stll didn’t deny what they said even when they called my mother a witch. I'm grateful that
Khanyo is deaf at least he wont hear what his own supposed family have to say about him. That shit
messes you up. I hate him so much yet I stll want him to acknowledge that I'm his son. I stll want to
make him proud. He says everybody in South Africa thinks they can sing but that they fzzle out afer a
year or two of fame. He says I should be a real professional like an accountant or be like him. No maier
how hard I try I will never be good enough to be his son.”

My tears are gushing out by the tme he fnishes talking and I’m lying on my side facing him but he
hasn’t changed his positon, he's stll facing up. I wipe away the wayward tear that has leaked on his
cheek. Oh my poor grizzly bear. Can’t he see how alike he and Vuyo are? Now the mannerisms I thought
were genetc, I see them for what they really are. A son's futle aiempts at recogniton and acceptance.

My heart is just heavy from what he just told me. There’s no words of comfort I can ofer him so I just
hold his hand. The sun is rising and its rays are dancing beautfully on my baby's face. He’s so perfect and
he doesn’t even see it. I get up frst and pull him up then run to the ocean while dragging him with me.
Once we are in the freezing water, I scoop some water and throw it at him and he looks shocked. Then
he's chasing me and fghtng in the water tll I hear him laugh. Mission completed.

The parents are out, they went for a day out to Kruger natonal park and lef Khanyo with us. Khanyo's
energy is exhaustng, he's played video games with Banzi and had me watching cartoons with him while
he did my nails. Finally the liile munchkin is asleep and we can breathe. Banzi brings snacks and his
laptop to my room and we seile for 50 shades of Grey. Nura wouldn't allow me to watch it and I’m just
curious. Banzi says the books were way beier than the movies and that he will give me his books when
we get back home.

I seile in lying on my side with Banzi behind me and we watch as Anastasia Steele fumbles through the
interview with Christan and I nibble on my Kiiy-Kat. I mean this movie doesn’t seem so bad. I take my
words back as Christan takes Anna's virginity. I feel a warmth that I’m now familiar with spread inside
my pantes. It doesn’t help that I can feel Banzi's thing poking my back. This was a wrong movie choice
in hindsight but I cant bring myself to stop watching. I feel my breath hitch in the playroom scene, ok
this is so intense I feel like I've peed on myself and I keep fdgetng causing Banzi to groan.

Before I know it I'm pinned under him and he is kissing the daylights out of me. This kiss is diferent, it’s
fevered and laced with so much heat. The moans that Anastasia is making intensify the feeling and my
knees are weak. It doesn't help that Banzi keeps grinding on me and the fricton is like a lick of hot
fames on my libido, I'm scared of what I’m feeling surely this is wrong yet it feels so right.

I feel Banzi's hand going to the zip of my jean and he looks in my eyes with a queston and I nod. I don’t
know what exactly I'm agreeing to but I just want him to make the ache in between my legs stop. He
opens my zip quickly and peels of my jeans in a frenzy, his actons clumsy and jerky like he has lost all
control. My pantes soon follow and I'm just glad I wore the new lacy ones. His breath hitches as he is
looking at me down there like he is worshipping the sight of my nookie.
“You’re so perfect baby. So beautful and so wet.” His hoarse voice goes straight to my groin shootng
tngling sensatons down there. Allah forgive me!

He lifs my knees up and then his head goes down there. What is he doing? Oh my! I feel shivers all the
way to my toes as his tongue teases my labia, his liile stub of growth is tckling the inside of my thighs
and my frst instnct is to close my legs. But he pries them open and holds them open. He starts sucking
and I feel that tngling sensaton mount. I want him to stop but I fnd my hands cradling his head deeper
into my forbidden fruit. My thoughts are incoherent and in my mind I’m screaming from all the
sensatons that his tongue is bringing to me. I want to beg him for more and my body is actng on its own
accord grinding my pelvis into his face. It’s like he's a cat lapping at the milk in between my legs and I
feel the sudden urge to pee! No I cant pee on his face, I try holding it in but the more he licks and sucks
the greater the need. I'm even shaking from holding it in.

“Let go baby. Come for me,” his baritone against my nookie sends vibratons all through my body and I
give in to the urge and for a moment I’m transported into an unknown territory of pleasure, the peeing
goes on and on but Banzi doesn’t stop sucking and I even see white weird images like stars behind my
closed eyes and my toes curl in ecstasy. When I fnally come back to the land of the living and I see Banzi
looking at me with lust burning through his bloodshot eyes.

He swoops in and kisses me, his lips taste strange almost salty. I’m supposed to be grossed out I mean
these same lips were just down there but I fnd the ache back and I want more. He takes of my top and
I’m not wearing a bra. His eyes glaze over as he looks at my perky breasts. My nipples have hardened
into tny black peeks and I'm embarrassed I try to hide them. Banzi moves my hands away and he
brushes the pad of his thumb on my lef nipple and then on my right nipple. And like magic they swell
and harden even more making me ache for more. I look at the back of his head as he takes one nipple
into his mouth and suckles deeply. That feeling again shoots straight to my nookie curling my toes.

I throw my head back and I want to hold him but he has my hands prisoned in his one hand while the
other keeps brushing my clitoris. My whole body is on fre and I keep thrashing around but he reels me
in with his body. What is this boy doing to me? I feel wet and stcky. He lifs his head and I think the
torture is over but no, he is changing nipples. Oh Allah this feels so good, I'm shaking with need for more
whatever the more is. oust as the pleasure is mountng again, I feel Banzi moving from on top of me and
quickly covering me with the duvet.

While I feel like shoutng, what the hell? The door bursts open and Khanyo throws himself into my room.
I was so far gone I didn’t hear his footsteps or thuds because Khanyo is always running. I wish the earth
would open up and swallow me right now. I’m bui naked while Banzi is fully clothed and I shudder to
think what would have happened had he, like me, not heard Khanyo approaching. Banzi tells Khanyo I'm
not feeling well and drags him from my room while Khanyo throws him evil looks. I let out a breath as
they leave my room. I’m relieved that they leave together I couldn’t stand to look at Banzi in the face
now. I open the duvet and look at my naked body, my nipples are stll dark and my nookie is stll wet. It
wasn’t a dream. I’m mortfed, did I just lose my virginity?

I get up and head to the bathroom. As I wash myself I remember how hot Banzi’s lips were and the
sensatons that his hands brought me. I feel that ache startng. I think I’ve just opened Pandora's box
and I don’t think there is any turning back. I'm going to be as addicted to this as I have become addicted
to his kisses. How am I going to face Banzi afer this? He knows my nakedness now. In broad daylight no
less. I start panicking, how I wish I can stay in this shower forever. Bloody 50 shades of Grey look what
you made me do!

#Insert 34

“We were intmate yesterday and she's been ignoring me since,” I feel like sinking into this armchair and
disappearing in it. How can Banzi throw me under the bus like this!

We are having our last session today and I must admit it has been really helpful. Talking about things
instead of boiling them up is liberatng. And he's right I have been ignoring him since yesterday, which
is hard cause we stay in the same house. But even when he tried talking to me, I brushed him of and I
didn’t respond to his texts. I'm so ashamed of myself. How could I behave so wanton. And I ignored him
because I stll craved him so bad. I wanted more of him and that scared me.

Dr. Brown is looking from Banzi to me with her inquisitve eyes.

“When you say intmate, what do you mean?” Eeeh does she really want all the details? Why did Banzi
even bring this up.

“Usually we kiss but yesterday it escalated to more and my brother walked in on us.” How can he sound
so calm while I'm dying on the inside.

“Fatma?” Now two sets of eyes are boring into my skin. I write down my response.

I'm ashamed of what happened yesterday.

I raise up my board and Banzi looks hurt by my statement.

“Why did you feel ashamed Fatma.” The good doctor's voice is always coaxing.

Because he saw my nakedness and I lost my virginity.

There I wrote it and Banzi looks stunned.

“But we only had oral, I mean I went down on her and I thought she enjoyed it but then she was cold to
me aferwards. Why should you be ashamed Freckle-face, you are so amazing.” When he puts it like that
I feel stupid. Thing is I've never had anyone to talk to about these things, about sex. I don’t have friends
and Nura has never opened up to me even Nathi really didn’t tell me what to expect.

“What I’m getng from you is that you are not ready for such intmacy Fatma?” I think about the
doctor's queston. I did enjoy what happened but I hated how it made me feel aferwards so I nod my
head. I see Banzi's face fall and that hurts a bit.

“Could it be that you feel ashamed because you feel like you don’t deserve Banzi or maybe you are
ashamed Of your body?” They both look at me again. I don’t really know how to answer that so I simply
write down,

BOTH.

I see the shock and pity in Banzi's eyes and I look away. I cant stand his pity.

“Banzi you have to understand that Fatma has undergone a lot of sexual trauma. The recent one being
only a week ago. Now I understand that you are both young, hormones are raging but it would help if
you sit down and talk about this set up some boundaries of intmacy and take it from there. Interestng
choice of wording Banzi. Why did you say intmate, instead of say mufng or going down on her?” You
see this woman is always using our words against us. I see Banzi squirming a bit.

“Because it felt special like I was connectng with her in an intmate level. It wasn’t just about me getng
what I want but it was about giving her pleasure and I've never done that to any other girl. But with
Fatma I always want to put her frst before myself, protect her and it scares me.” He sounds sincere and
amazed.

“I see. Fatma what does that make you feel like?”

SAFE.

I write in bold leiers, he’s smiling now. Oooh I haven’t forgiven him for throwing me under the bus.
Now is the tme to get even. I wipe away the word and scribble something. Then raise my board.

Banzi is angry at his father for not acknowledging that Banzi is his son.

I see Banzi’s eyes widening. He was not expectng this. Good.

“Banzi would you care to share your feelings with us?” He sighs and repeats what he told me yesterday.

“Have you ever told him how you felt?” He shakes his head in the negatve, it’s clear that he doesn’t
want to talk about it yet.

“Why?” the doctor is not one to let an issue go.

“Because begging to be loved is suicide. I shouldn’t have to beg for his acceptance and I have to learn to
live without his validaton.” That’s some deep stuf and he says all this with a cold detached look on his
face. I just want to hold him.

“Ok but do keep in mind that the more you boile it in then you will reach your eruptng point. Our tme
is up I will be transferring your fles to a colleague of mine in oohannesburg. Do you stll want to do joint
therapy or separate?” Banzi is looking at me and I sign to him that I want us to have joint therapy and he
relays it to her. We say our goodbyes and go to wait to be picked up.

As we are sitng on the bench he keeps staring at me tll I squirm.

“I want you to tell me whenever I do something that makes you uncomfortable ok?” I nod shyly when
Banzi is intense it’s a bit intmidatng.
“So when are we having our sex talk?”, there is laughter in his voice. My idiot is back, I poke him and he
draws me into a hug. Then he whispers close to my ear, “Oh and when I take your virginity baby, I will
have all my clothes of and I will bury myself deeply in you and you will feel every inch of me. The way
I'm craving you and how responsive you were yesterday I doubt you will be able to walk when I’m done
with you.” I gulp at the threat in his voice but it also excites me, leaving me confused. I'm saved by Nathi
hootng for us and he let’s me go with that smirk on his face.

Today is one of those days when I don't feel like doing anything. I didn’t even want to wake up. I'm back
in Safari, things were a bit awkward between me and Nura at frst. I wanted answers and she wouldn't
give them to me so I gave her the silent treatment. Till last night she couldn’t take it anymore so she sat
down with me and gave me the talk.

“Fatma you will not ignore me in my own house, I am stll your mother so drop the attude. I'm doing
what's best for you. I know you want answers but you are not ready for such truths. Let me shield you
for as long as I can. Trust that I love you and all I have done, I have done to give you a beier life and to
protect you. And when you do fnally hear the truth, I hope you will fnd it in your heart to forgive me
and never doubt my love for you.”

I don’t wanna lie that scared me but I decided to trust her, whatever it is that she is keeping from me I
don’t want to know it anymore. It sounds deep and dark, I’m not sure I want to go there. Not yet
anywhere. Schools are opening tomorrow and Banzi is taking me to the mall so that we go and buy our
school stuf. Nura is at work. Vuyo didn’t relent with the car keys so Nathi is going to drop us at the mall.
Banzi has been complaining about it nonstop since we got back two days back. I’m sure taking a taxi is
not something he has ever done.

I'm downstairs, that’s a text from Banzi.

I check myself in the mirror for the last tme and grab my sling purse and head out.

As I pass by Amaka's apartment their door is open and music is blaring from the radio. Amaka and her
husband are busy dancing, they seem happy about something and I peek hoping not to get spoied. Too
late Amaka has already seen me.

“Ihunanya m come in, come in. We are celebratng Ojonkwo's promoton!” her voice is competng with
the loud music. I shake my head signaling that I have to go.
“Nonsense! Remember how we used to dance together? You go hate us now oh. Ojonkwo what are you
stll doing put on Rockonollo I beg. That beat by Lumino is fre oh.”

You see when we were stll new here and I was younger my mother used to ask Amaka to look afer me
afer school. She would collect me where the transport dropped me of at High Point. She would make
sure I did my homework and my things were ready for the next day and even pleated my hair on some
weekends. But she refused any payment saying God didn’t bless her with children so I was the daughter
she never had. During those days she taught me how to dance to Naija music. And according to her I was
born to dance. But I haven't danced in forever except when I’m alone in the apartment.

Now I know the only way to get out of Amaka's room is if I dance. The beat really is catchy, I fnd my
body swaying as the song starts.

“Here I am standing ready oooh

Lion King the jungle Lion about to roll ooh

Suburi ninhee iyeleee

Can we turn of ya problem ooh yelena iyoo iyoo

Let me give you the piece of Africa eeh eeh

Nyanga zubiri Zabangoo Oooh oooh

Taking you out to fy yeeeh eeeh

Mais yamoto yatabango

Karateka Rockonolo we gonna take you to another level

Iyeleleeeeee”

I am bending my knees, my shoulders are tltng from this side to the other and my arms are thrust
forward in tme to the beat. My tny waist at frst won’t cooperate but soon its adulatng thrustng my
not so huge bui this way and that way. As I get into the rhythm, Amaka is cheering me on and Ojonkwo
is throwing money at me and I'm enjoying myself. I even purse my lips in concentraton as I execute tny
twerks as I go down.

“Oouu yaya ouu yayaa wee

Ouu yayaa weee

Oooo Ouu yayaa wee

Oouu yaya wee

Oouu yaya ouu yayaa wee

Ouu yayaa weee

Oooo Ouu yayaa wee

Oouu yaya wee

Let me give you the piece of Africa

Eeeeh eeeeeh

Nyanga tubiliza bango oooh

Let me give you the piece of Africa eeh eeh

It doesnt realy maier where you from

When you feel moto moto moto

Rockonolo”

The song comes to an end I'm even sweatng and my braids are all over my face, I didn’t even feel them
come undone. Then I hear applause at the doorway. We all turn to see Banzi at the door he’s even
whistling and I’m so embarrassed. I wonder how long he’s been standing there. I will never hear the end
of this. He's asking for an encore, I huf and go out leaving him behind as he greets Amaka and her
husband. They must have talked for a while because we have to wait for him in the car with Nathi. The
frst thing he says,

“Mama you are sitng with Shakira next to you. She was busy whining while we were waitng for her!”

Sigh! I did say I will never hear the end of this.

#Insert 35

“ ...for love casts out fear, and grattude can conquer pride.”

Louisa May Alcoi, Liile Women

I wish I could make Banzi mute, for an hour at least so that he can stop yapping like Nathi. No, you don’t
understand my ears are tred. I found him waitng for me at the gate. My days as a sports car queen are
over and I must say how spoiled I have become. Now I resent being squeezed between three thick
mamas at the back seat. Dear Allah please make all big people rich enough to aford their own cars.
Thing is they don’t even budge to create space and then you have to try to squeeze your tny arse in
between them and most of the tme your bui doesn’t even touch the seat. So you remain suspended in
between two sets of very generous hips. And don’t get me started on armpits, deodorant should be
given out for free as well as pads instead of condoms. My only consolaton was that I was warm and
toasty from their body heat.

At least Banzi wasn’t whining about being in a taxi but he won’t shut up about my dancing. I mean I’m
not even that good his exaggeraton tendencies at tmes are not cute.

“oonga, you will be my dancer in all my music videos. We would create magic,” when he said that I gave
him one of my best bashful looks.

He can miss me with that video vixen mess. No ofense to that occupaton but I am not about to dance
with my bui cheeks out for the whole world to see while the male artsts are even wearing jackets on
top of all their numerous clothes. Why don’t they also sing in their boxers with their business hanging
for the whole world to see? Double standards if you ask me.

“Or beier yet dance for me on my birthday.” I gave him the really look, he looked so excited about his
not so brilliant idea.

I am not putng on a show for your friends, I signed to him.

But it seems like my furious expression didn’t scare him of because he bit his lip and looked at me all
hot and intense.

“It will be my own private show baby, that would be the best birthday present ever.” I gave him my best
exasperated look. I'm not doing that either. I am not gifing him my virginity just because he is turning
19. Yeah he’s old, he had to repeat grade 8 because of his stnt in rehab. And I’m only turning 18 next
year oanuary. Banzi’s birthday is in September but the way he’s so excited you would think it’s
tomorrow.

He’s stll talking my ear of as we head to assembly. Ever since he opened up to me about being more
like his mom, he has started talking a lot like her but he has his moments. At tmes he can be closed of
then when he is excited, like today, he talks and never stops. I’m grateful though because he is keeping
me distracted. School isn’t really my happy place.
I’ve been keeping an eye out for Lerato ever since I got here. I’ve seen her goons but I haven't seen her
yet. But I refuse to be relieved just yet, she’s probably just late. The headmaster is talking and I've
mastered the art of zoning out and listening to the voices in my head. He has those deep lullaby voices,
if I listened to him I would fall asleep on my feet. Then I hear gasps and try to listen to what he’s saying.

“…and so Lerato Baloyi along with her brother were arrested. We as an educatonal insttute stand
together with the police in this fght against drugs. And I warn you now if you are found with drugs on
your person not only will you be immediately expelled but you will also be prosecuted at law.”

A mixture of emotons rips through me at his words. This has Vuyo wriien all over it, I’m glad I followed
her and took those pictures. But I’m scared that somehow her drug lord brother will get a whif of my
involvement and come afer me. I feel eyes on me and that snaps me out of my mixed thoughts.

“…she lifed the school fag in Cape Town where she won a scholarship in the UNESCO speech summit.”
Oh he’s talking about that, people are probably shocked I’m not even on the debate team. And I don’t
even talk. I feel Banzi nudging me and I give him a blank look. Then he nods his head in the directon of
the stage and I'm even more puzzled. Then I notce the silence and everyone seems to be looking at me
including the headmaster.

“Fatma Omar please come up front.”

I'm gripped with nerves and rooted on one spot. Banzi squeezes my hand borrowing me a bit of his
strength. I wipe my sweaty palms on my uniform and head towards the podium. I have only been up
here a few tmes on Prize Giving day but I was never the centre of aienton just one nerd in a sea of
others. I think my step is funny cause everyone is staring at me from their sits. Afer what seems forever
I am fnally standing next to the headmaster.

“Such an excelling student should be rewarded. I hereby instate Fatma Omar as the Head Prefect since
our former has been arrested with no hope of returning.” There is silence afer his statement and I'm
hoping someone will tell me all of this is some sick joke or prank. But the headmaster is beaming and
Miss Ncube throws a wink at me.

Then Banzi stands up and starts clapping, the rest of the rugby team follows suit and the soccer team
too stand and up give me an ovaton. I did tell you that he used to play soccer as well, right? There are
even cat whistles as I’m made to wear a cream blazer with the Head Prefect badge. I’m stll frozen not
knowing what to do. I accept the blazer and move like a zombie amidst the applause tll I fnd my seat
next to Banzi who won’t stop beaming from ear to ear.

Banzi's enthusiasm has dimmed somehow because I won on the bet. By a few marks overall but a win is
a win. I'm stll shocked about being head prefect, I mean how am I going to do it. Banzi says I shouldn’t
worry no one will mess with me while he’s stll around. I'm happy that I won the bet, at least now I will
have money to buy him a nice birthday present. Have you ever notced how expensive men's items are?
From shoes to perfume. And I cant really buy him stuf from the Indian shops in town, I will have to buy
him something at the mall. I hope Nathi will help me, I’m clueless Banzi is my frst boyfriend.

School is out and I get a break from the looks I've been getng from people. I went from being a nobody
to a Centre stage person in a day. I'm just grateful that the year is already more than half way through.
We take a taxi to his place and it drops us of at a bus stop which is a bit far from where he stays. But the
walk is lovely they are oacaranda trees and its almost deserted except for one or two cars which speed
past. I look up to fnd Banzi looking at me. I look back at him tll he chuckles.

“You’ve grown so feisty, you couldn’t even look me in the eyes before.” I roll my eyes at him and stck
out my tongue.

“You know what rolling your eyes does to me Anastasia.” He tries imitatng Christan Grey’s voice but he
fails dismally and he’s grinning like an idiot, I fnd myself grinning back.

He takes my hand and keeps clowning around tll we reach home. We fnd both parents home and
Khanyo as well. Afer greetng they demand our report cards. Nathi and me share a high fve and Khanyo
is jumping up and down in excitement.

“Dammit Banzi can’t you do one thing right.” Vuyo's voice is exasperated and Nathi gives him an angry
glare and I see Banzi fghtng to control his anger.

Nathi dissolves the tension by exclaiming,

“Farrah is that a cream blazer baby girl?” I nod sheepishly, she comes up to inspect it and looks at the
badges lined up on it and she squeals like a liile girl, jumping up and down then kissing both my cheeks
and my mouth. Then engulfs me in her famous hugs. Khanyo jumps on me as soon as she lets me go and
he rains kisses all over my face. Till Banzi feels jealous and takes him of me. Vuyo also congratulates me
and I smile my thanks.
“So I was thinking for my birthday, my friends and I could go out maybe chill in some clubs…” Banzi
sounds like a liile kid.

“No.” Vuyo cuts in quietly

“But you didn’t let me fnish!” Banzi is getng fred up, I can see the vein popping.

We are just sitng uncomfortably watching as this horrifc confrontaton unfold.

“These clubs are were you get to do drugs and booze, you can’t aford to slip up again Banzi. We just
going to throw you a celebraton here with family and you can invite a few friends. That’s it.” Vuyo's
voice brooks no argument.

“Whose fault is it that I did drugs in the frst place?” Banzi's eyes are red now, I guess this was the
burstng point Dr. Brown was talking about.

“Banzi…” Nathi’s voice is pleading with her son. Both Banzi and Vuyo are standing up and facing each
other grimly, their resemblance eerie.

“No mama I am tred of being reminded of what a fuck up I am as if he's a perfect father. If he hadn't
torn up our family, if I didn’t have to watch my mother broken I wouldn't have had to turn to drugs at
13, I would be doing my frst year at university right now!” Banzi's voice keeps rising.

“I am stll your father boy, you will not raise your voice at me.” Vuyo's voice is menacing.

“Father?,” Banzi scofs, “You call myself my father today but when your mother called me a bastard
were you my father then? When your family called my mother a witch who fostered another man's child
on you, were you my father then? I have no father, because if I had one he would have stood up for me
and my mother. He wouldn't have ignored me to a point where I had to turn to drugs while he was busy
with his bimbo in my mother's house. My father is dead, you're just Nathi’s husband.”

With each word I see Vuyo shrinking. Tears are fowing freely from Banzi's eyes, Nathi is wailing like
someone died, Khanyo is crying and I'm crying too. Banzi runs upstairs to his room with Khanyo at his
feet. Vuyo crumples down and sobs. Deep, gut-wrenching sobs.
“Go be with Banzi, he needs you,” Nathi's voice is hoarse from crying. I get up and head to the stairs. At
the stairs I turn to see Nathi cradling Vuyo like a baby on the foor and he keeps saying between the
sobs,

“I failed him Azabenathi, I failed my son. I failed you, I failed my family.” It’s just too sad to watch a
grown man break down like that. I go upstairs to console my injured bear.

#Insert 36

(This is me joining the march against gender based violence. I might say leave but you might stll stay.
But remember someone is watching and you not only hurtng yourself.)

I’m at the door and for the frst tme I’m unsure whether to knock or just budge in so I hover at the door
at a loss. Then I hear a muffled sob and I quickly open the door and the sight before me has me frozen
for a moment. Khanyo is busy wiping away Banzi's tears with his liile hands while his own fall quietly
down his face. The empathy at such a young age is endearing. Its even more endearing the fact that
Khanyo didn’t even hear the conversaton but can stll feel the depth of his brother’s pain. I watch for a
while and a picture of my young brother pops into my mind unwelcome. I wonder if we would have
been this close, fought just as hard as Banzi and Khanyo yet stll wiped each other's tears. But there's no
point in wondering, it only crushes my soul because I don’t even know what his face looks like.

I go to the bed and Banzi crushes me in a hug. It’s so tght it’s actually painful and worse Khanyo now has
his hands around my shoulders and his face buried in my neck. It’s sad but I let them be, stroking their
backs. We stay this way for a while tll the tears recede but they stll hold on to me and I let them. I love
how Banzi never holds back on his emotons with me and it makes it easier for me to do the same and
fear no judgment. I know him, all of him and that’s the greatest intmacy, where you can bare your souls
and be emotonally naked in front of each other. I love him with all of his faws, his vulnerability, his
passion and his strengths. In a funny way his tears make me love him more. To think that the nigga has
never brought me a gif or even taken me for a proper date. In fact he's always eatng my food. Sigh.
He’s also stngy I must say but I love him stll.

Khanyo is now snoring and Banzi picks him up and goes with him to his room. I go to the bathroom and
wash my face. My eyes are pufy from all the crying and my freckles are standing out in my face. I look
ugly but he's seen worse so I just wipe my face with his towel. Which smells like him by the way so I hold
it close to my face and inhale on his scent. I hear a throat being cleared and my face fames up when I
notce Vuyo standing on the doorway. He must have knocked but I didn’t hear him because I was too
busy molestng his son's towel. Tiled foor, I command you, open up and swallow me right now!
“Where is Banzi?” his voice is croaky and his eyes pufy too. I put away the towel quickly.

He went to put Khanyo to sleep, I sign hurriedly.

“Ok.” He goes out and I sag in relief. Talk about awkward.

I go and sit on Banzi's bed picking up his Physics notes to read in the meantme. When I'm nervous or
emotonal, Dr. Brown recommended I channel that energy to do something else, something productve.
I open his notes and there on the hardcover he has stuck a picture of me. I don’t even know when he
took the picture but we were in the rugby feld and it’s a side photo. I have a silly huge grin on my face
and I look so happy and carefree. Stupid tears prick my eyes. Why does this fool always get me so
emotonal with every liile thing he does. And I just washed my face!

In the short tme I have known Banzi I’ve been at my happiest. Like my life maiers and has a purpose.
I’ve smiled the most and I've also cried the most. Nathi gets in while I’m stll gazing at the picture and
she looks at it over my shoulder.

“You've changed him. I don’t know what you are giving my son but please don’t stop.” Her voice is
wistul and I squeeze her hand which is on my shoulder. She sits next to me on the bed imitatng my
crossed legs positon. She looks older like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders.

“Am I a bad mother?” she asks not even looking at me. I guess she doesn’t want a response.

“I mean I’m a psychologist, I should have picked up that he wasn’t happy. I help other people’s children
but I couldn’t help my own son. And it’s not even the frst tme. He’s been drowning and I thought he
was happy. That as a family we are ok. What should I do Farrah? Tell me what to do because I suck at
being a mother.” She looks at me with so much pain in her eyes.

Don’t beat yourself about it, I hit my chest for emphasis, you are as much a victm in all this as Banzi.

“But I should have known Farrah, I should have picked up something.” Nathi's voice is raw with emoton.
I don’t know how to put it into words or how to sign this to her, at tmes sign language can be so
restrictng. I want to tell her that as a woman there's only so much super powers going around that our
mothers cant always protect us from what we see and that children are very sensitve to their mother's
pain. Those stfed sobs, those I fell and hit my eye on the pole stories mothers give to us, we know
beier. We see their pain, we feel it. The bond between mother and child doesn't end with the cutng of
the umbilical code, so whatever abuse the mother feels, the child feels to.

I wanted to say all that but words failed me so I hugged her instead and just let her vent. Afer a while
Vuyo and Banzi were stll not back so Nathi drove me home, taking a sleeping Khanyo with her.

“Stop! Stoooooop!” the scream was curdling.

But he didn’t stop, there was so much blood but he kept throwing the punches and kicking as she lay
there. I tried stopping him with my liile hands but he threw me away with such force I hit the back of
my liile head on the wall. I put my hand on the back of my head and it comes out with blood. It hurts so
bad but mommy is hurtng more. I have to help mommy. I get up again and there’s so much blood. And
the people there are just standing and watching in their fowing robes. Huge bulky men with head scarfs
and long guns hang on their shoulders stand in a circle watch as another huge man who seems bulkier
than the rest throws punches and kicks. I cant stand the sight of blood yet I run as fast as my liile legs
can carry me and I throw my liile body on her. Yet I see a liile girl who looks just like me lying in a pool
of her own blood. I scream and scream and scream, no one does anything maybe they can't hear me so
I scream even louder in my liile high pitched voice.

I feel hands around me shaking me and pulling me but I cant let go of mommy. No please don't take me
from mommy. The hands are insistent and they keep shaking me.

“Fatma baby wake up!” I shoot up from the blankets my eyes all out. I’m breathing heavily and my
nightdress is plastered to my body which is drenched in sweat.

It was a nightmare, I realized yet it seemed so real. I could stll taste the stench of blood. Nura is looking
at me and she seems worried. I start shivering uncontrollably and I cant seem to stop. She gathers me in
her arms and hugs me tghtly.

“Its ok baby, it was just a dream. Nura is here now, you are safe.” Her voice is sof and I feel the tremors
and shivers leave my body and I drif of to sleep again.
I wake up alone in the bed, Nura must have gone to work. My dream troubles me, it felt so real. Dr.
Brown said nightmares are memories our subconscious has shielded us from which pop up whenever we
are feeling agitated or emotonally worked up. If that’s true did my dream happen? It felt so vivid and
real, I shake the questons of and drag my weary body out of bed. I lie in the narrow bath tub and try to
wash away the afer taste of that dream. I will have to talk to Dr. Brown about it, send her a text.

The cream blazer looks good on me and I te my braids into a bun and put a cream Alice band on top. I
have to rush to school before I get late. I fnd our lunches already packed, Nura is such a blessing. I run
downstairs, which is hard with the amount of people going up and down. I wonder when they are ever
going to repair the elevators in this place. But I doubt they ever will.

I fnd Banzi leaning on his car and he beams when he sees me. Stretches out his hand towards the car in
the same manner that a salesman pitches a car. I feel my anxietes fade away when I see him smiling so
happily, no holding back.

“Your chariot awaits milady,” he gives an exaggerated bow while he opens the door for me. Someone is
in a really good mood and I fnd myself grinning like an idiot. He gets in and gives me a brief kiss.

How did it go? I sign. He sighs and his face turns serious.

“It wasn't preiy. I've never seen Vuyo look so defeated. We want to the park and talked tll it was dark.
He apologized for neglectng me and for hurtng my mother. He also apologized for being on my case
and said he didn’t want me to make the same mistakes he did.

I told him how I felt about him never praising or acknowledging my eforts and the hurtul gay
comments that he used to make. So what if I was gay, he’s my father he should have loved me as I was. I
also told him that I want to sing and he said I can do both. He’s going to pay for music lessons afer we
are done with our exams.

He said Lira was an accountant before she turned to music and he would like me to have the same
optons as her but if all I want to do is music, he will support me. But what he said makes sense so I will
get my degree frst in whatever I choose then focus on my music aferwards. We talked a lot and it
helped. I’m trying to forgive him and work our way past this.”

I squeezed his hand to let him know how proud of him I was. Banzi needed his father in his life, unlike
me my father was dead but his was alive and willing to make amends. He started the car and I must
admit I missed our morning drives. He browsed through his iPod and selected Cheerleader by Omi. I
haven’t heard this song in a while.
“When I need motvaton

My one soluton is my queen

'Cause she stay strong (yeah yeah)

She is always in my corner

Right there when I want her

All these other girls are temptng

But I'm empty when you're gone”

Today Banzi is singing along, showing of his dimple. He smiles at me as he sings and my heart melts, I
slide my hand across and he takes it with his one hand while the other keeps driving. My horrible
nightmare is forgoien as I watch him singing and wiggling his eyebrows at me. Clown and happy Banzi is
always fun to hang around with. He keeps singing as we slowly move with the crawling body of trafc.

#Insert 37

“Remind yourself that you cannot fail at being yourself.” Wayne Dyer

“So what colors are we wearing for our Matric Dance?” I give him the eye then shake my head.

“What do you mean no? Don’t mess with me Farrah, you are going to that Dance.” I roll my eyes Banzi
can be so bossy at tmes, it used to intmidate me in the beginning but not anymore.

Yes, I'm going to the dance just not with you, I sign at him trying to hold a straight face as his facial
expression goes from corky to spitng cobra in nanoseconds.

“Who is he? Who is the prick who thinks he can go with MY girl to MY Matric Dance?” his sentences
come out in a growl and he's even fstng his hand. This is going to be easier than I thought, my face is
stll schooled in a calm neutral expression.

Oh, no one has asked me yet, but I'm keeping my optons open. The look on his face as I sign this!
Classic! Wish I had a camera with me.
“No one is going with you but me Fatma Farrah Omar and that’s a promise,” Banzi's jealousy is on
steroids and it makes him crazy at tmes.

You haven't asked me so if someone where to ask before you… I don’t even fnish signing my sentence
and he breaks in holding my hands.

“Macaanto please go with me to the dance?” He has his puppy eyes on feek. I purse my mouth as if I'm
seriously contemplatng what he just said then I shake my head regretully and disentangle my hands.

I watch the movies, surely you can do beier than that. And you beier take me out on a real date too.
Close your mouth fies will get in, I sign all this with a straight face.

I turn on my heel and sway the way Nathi taught me leaving him to stew for a while. Toying with him
like that was so much fun and he made it so easy. It’s our lunch break, I decide to spend the rest of the
break studying in the library.

You are probably wondering how my frst day as head prefect went. It wasn’t easy, I’m used to blending
with the background. I was nervous at the gate I kept rubbing my hands on my uniform tll Bear turned
me around to face him while holding my shoulders,

“Hey look at me babe, you’ve got this and I got you. Now breathe,” he helped me with breathing
exercises tll I was calm. Oh I love him.

I’m back to carrying my board, I wish I could say that there’s been a miraculous turnaround in the way
people treat me since I'm now head prefect. But this isn’t a movie or fcton this is the story of my life.
First to show me attude in the gate this morning were Lerato's stogies. They were late and thought
they could walk all over me. I showed them. I got them cleaning the very same toilets I used to clean. Of
course at frst they started spewing crap but then Banzi and his friends from rugby came up and he
looked at them before asking in that intmidatng voicei

“Is there a problem here?” I saw one of the girls swallow some saliva and both of them shake their
heads at the same tme.
“Good, remember the days of you toying or terrorizing my heart are over. If you so much as breathe in
her directon, you will have me to deal with. Understood?” I found my whole face fushed with
happiness and the stogies scurried away. From then no one has really troubled me. I do hear the snide
remarks being whispered around me but I pay no mind to them. On the plus side I don’t have friends so I
don’t owe anyone any favors or any special treatment. There’s the bell and our next class is Physics.
Allah give me strength.

This in not the route going home but I’m scared to ask where we are going. See Bear is in a grouchy
mood ever since I played him about the whole Dance thing. He hasn’t said a word to me. Afer class he
just took my backpack and I had to hurry to catch up with his long strides. He is stll quiet with that ferce
look in his eyes. I know beier than to play music but I take the iPod anywhere and play Pink’s Beautful
Trauma earning myself a glare but I ignore him. We turn at the gates of oohannesburg zoo and I'm stll at
a loss. He pays for tckets and we get inside and he parks. Only now does he turn and look at me.

“You requested a real date.” At the zoo, really? What am I, an animal? And we are both in uniform I pout
my annoyance. He chuckles that low sexy sound which makes my toes curl. Then he is crashing his lips
on mine. He gently chufs at my boiom lip, grazing it with his teeth and pulling at it and I feel that
sensaton inside my pantes.

I always wonder how the body works. I mean he isn’t even touching me down there but his kisses are
like fames licking at the nub in my nookie. Making me squirm and cross my legs, he groans and it feels
worse. I’m addicted to his lips. He pulls out and his eyes are smaller and bloodshot.

“Don’t pout baby, you are going to enjoy this.” He’s laughing at me I can just hear it in his voice. I huf
and he chuckles as he goes out of the car. He comes to my side and opens the door for me. He takes of
my blazer and puts it in the car, untes my braids just to run his hand through my hair and takes my
hand.

I hate to admit it but I’m enjoying our date. He kept copying monkey faces and posed like a famingo. He
beat his chest at the gorillas and stuck out his tongue at the lion. He also kept taking random pictures of
me and telling me about each animal. I ended up smiling like an idiot. When we are done seeing the
animals. He carries me on his back to the car. I think we are going home but no we turn into Zoo lake
drive and go to the lake. We go on a boat ride and it's beautful, the lazy sun beams dancing across the
lake.

We are in the middle of the lake and there aren’t a lot of people around and Banzi is staring at me just
like he was when we were watching that movie. He stops rowing and scoots me on top of his lap I
squirm and try to get of but he holds me in place.
“it’s tme for that sex talk Miss Omar. You have been a very naughty girl,” the way he says it just sends
shivers down my spine. And he’s looking into my eyes.

“Are you comfortable with this?” he doesn't give me a chance to say anything but kisses me tll I swoon
and when he lifs his head all I can do is nod in a daze.

“Or this?” He asks looking me in the eye as he pops the frst three buions on my blouse open and taking
of my te, I nod like a half-wit and he grins rakishly as he lowers my bra and cups my breasts with his
hands. My nipples perk up and I shiver uncontrollably as he lowers his head on my tny now darkened
nipples. The sight of his bowed head as he suckles on my breasts does things to me down there. Even
my toes are curling and I'm pressing his head down, my head thrown back. He starts kissing me across
my collarbone and up my neck, giving me goosebumps. The sensaton is indescribably hot.

“What about this?” he's looking into my eyes again but the tmber of his voice has changed. I feel his
hand going under my skirt. As it brushes past my thighs I shiver and nod, he chuckles and his hand is
pushing my pantes aside and then it’s brushing against the smooth planes of my nookie and I want him
to stop but I also want him to put out the ache he has started in me. He puts in one fnger and the
intrusion is a bit painful I finch.

“Relax baby, I won’t hurt you ok?” I fnd myself nodding. I swear his eyes are hypnotzing me, why cant I
say no? He starts moving the fnger slowly in and out, in and out. I feel myself getng wet.

“Gosh you are so tght baby. I’m going to put two fngers now ok?” He sees the doubt in my eyes and he
kisses me gently. “It won’t break your hymen I promise I just want to pleasure you babe. Do you trust
me?” again I fnd myself nodding and he puts the second fnger in.

It feels fuller down there and I try to relax. He starts moving his fngers while his thumb is circling my
clitoris and I feel my breath leaving my lungs and coming back with such force. He keeps thrustng his
fngers faster and deeper now and I’m consumed by the fre he has ignited in me. Then he takes my
nipple into his mouth again and sucks hard this tme while he keeps thrustng his fngers and grazing my
clitoris. I’m overwhelmed by the surge of feelings which course through my body. I don’t know what to
do with all these sensatons all I think and feel is him. I feel that peeing sensaton buildup much quicker
this tme and harder. I curl my toes as the sensaton overpowers me and grips me so hard I’m lef
shaking as I release juices on his fngers. He doesn’t stop fngering me tll the last of my tremors are
gone.
He takes out his fngers and licks them groaning and that sight is strangely erotc. Then he takes his
handkerchief from his pockets and wiles me so gently, puts my pantes bac in place and rights my bra
and blouse too while I'm stll frozen in a trance. He kisses me and I taste the same salty taste.

“Can you feel how delicious you taste?” He means the juices he was licking? I’m confused and stll in a
daze.

“So where you comfortable with what I was doing to you?” I’m suddenly shy, my new found bravado has
deserted me. I look down and he raises my face back up.

“Hey if you didn’t like it, I wont do it again.” His voice sounds so sincere. But that’s the problem I think I
liked it too much.

I enjoyed it, I sign honestly and he is beaming widely.

I think I'm in a lot of trouble. I only realize now that we are stll in the middle of the lake in public yet I
was actng with such abandon. Banzi is turning me into a freak and is it so bad that I’m enjoying every
touch and every kiss?

#Insert 38

I'm in the library studying, I cant aford to fail. Today the library is full even some faces which have never
set foot in the library in all the 5 years of high school are here today. Exams will humble the best of us.
Yesterday afer I had returned to earth I narrated my nightmare to Banzi and he started fussing over me
tll I promised to talk to Nura about it. Nura said it was just a dream I shouldn’t put too much into it. I’ve
let it go, for now as they say nothing under the sun remains hidden. But when did we get here? Nura, I
always thought that she told me everything that we have no secrets but now I no longer trust my own
mother. And it’s clear she doesn’t trust me too.

I'm jolted out of my reverie by some commoton in the library. There’s a cute grade 8 standing in front of
me and she’s holding out a red rose and a small card in the shape of a heart. I look behind me but
there’s no one.

For me? I ask by pointng at my chest and she nods yes with the brightest smile on her face.
I take the rose and smell it, I’ve never been a fower person but the fragrance of the rose is exotc. I’m
intrigued and I open the card it’s only wriien I.

I'm stll trying to fgure out what it’s about when another fresh faced grade 8 learner comes with
another rose and a card. This one is wriien CAN'T. Now my heart is beatng wildly and the whole library
seems to be staring.

Another rose and card- STAND

Then the next is wriien- THE

And another one-THOUGHT OF

Yet another says- SOMEONE

Card number 7 simply says- ELSE

The next one says- TAKING

And the next- YOU

By the tenth set of rose and card my face is fushed and there is murmuring in the library, people are
taking videos. The card says- TO

The next one says- THE

And the last card says- DANCE.

I now have a dozen roses and liile cards and my heart is racing wildly. And I'm thinking it's over but no
the shortest boy in grade 8 comes tugging a teddy bear with a heart taiooed on it’s chest and wriien
Grizzly in Italics. Its huge and fufy and white. Its almost the size of the boy carrying it and my eyes cloud
over with tears. I have to blink a few tmes before I take the bear and hold it close to my face. Its so sof
and cuddly a tear escapes my eye.

Another liile girl is holding a box and a huge card. She hands them to me. By now my desk is cluiered. I
open the card frst. It’s wriien in Banzi’s bold handwritng,

I watch the movies too. Please go to the dance with me sweet Fatma.

Oh this idiot is making me cry again. I open the box and there is a locket in the shape of a heart and
when you open it there’s two pictures of us, one is at the beach, I was looking up at him and he was
smiling down at me. I don’t remember taking that picture and the other is one of the selfes we took
under the bridge at Tsitsikamma. It’s beautful. And I also notce on the outside the leiers L and F are
intertwined.

I smell his scent and I fnd him looking at me with a worries expression. I’m stll crying I realize so I wipe
away my tears.

“I only had the locket made afer Cape Town and also bought the teddy bear but mama said you would
love the roses idea best but if it was too much, you can throw them away. Even the teddy bear if you
don’t like it but please keep the locket...” He’s blabbering on and on. It means he’s nervous and I have to
put my hand over his mouth to shut him up. He looks at me with a queston.

I take my hand from his mouth and retrieve my board from underneath the roses and cards. It’s hard
writng with the teddy bear on my lap, Banzi ofers to take it and I glare at him. He raises his hands in
surrender.

It’s perfect, you are perfect. And there is no one I would want to go to the dance with besides you.

He reads what I've wriien and he seems relieved. I hand him the locket and he puts the chain around
my neck. I tuck the locket inside my blouse, I am never taking it of. The bell goes of, it’s tme for
English. There is no way I can go with all this to class. I ask the librarian if I could leave the stuf with her
and she agrees. She's always been kind to me and shares all the latest books with me. I'm stll
overwhelmed by Banzi's gesture, over the top yes but so well thought out it melted my heart.

I'm stll fngering the locket and smiling, I never pictured Banzi as the romantc type by he surprised me.

“Its beautful baby girl, I've never seen Banzi so worked up about anything or anyone before,” that’s
Nathi she’s eyeing the locket as well and I beam at her.

We came out to shop for Banzi’s birthday present at Melrose Arch. We’ve been looking for hours and I
stll haven't found something that I like. Vuyo put his foot down, there won’t be going to the club but he
relented the party will be just Banzi and his friends no family will be invited but it will be at their house
with adult supervision. I know it’s next week but I would feel beier if I had the gif already. We're
restng and having lunch before contnuing with our search.

I love it and thank you for the roses, I sign in response.

“Its my pleasure baby, I hope you know by now you are as much my daughter as Banzi is my son,” she
sounds sincere and I smile at her. She's always been a lovely soul.

I’ve been having recurring nightmares, I decide to confde in Nathi maybe she can decipher what the
dreams mean.

She looks instantly concerned and I narrate to her the drowning nightmare and the one whereby I'm a
child watching Nura being beaten. Though I don’t see her face I assume it’s her.

"Nightmares are ofen our fears or suppressed memories and I might prescribe some sleeping pills but
those are not ideal so close to your exams.” This is so frustratng because they both feel so real.

“How is it being a head prefect?” she asks sipping on her lemonade. I sigh and sign.

It’s frustratng at tmes because people act like I’m retarded and communicatng is hard, only a few
people can understand sign so I have to write everything down.
“What if you suggested a signing workshop? It could go on for a week afer school hours. I bet I can get
you some sponsors. Draw up certfcates and give them prizes. Get the teachers involved and on the
weekend even parents involved.” Her face lights up as she says all this and I'm excited there for a
moment. Then I get skeptcal.

Will they even listen to me? I sign my queston

“Why wouldn’t they? Farrah you have accomplished so much in such a short period of tme, you are an
icon for the voiceless and its tme you stamp your mark baby girl.” Her voice is vehement with convicton
and I warm up to her praise.

I will talk to the headmaster and hear what he has to say, I sign.

“That’s my girl. Never doubt your abilites or your strength. I love you ok.” Nathi deserves a special place
in heaven Allah with all the other angels.

I put up my thumb, index fnger and pinkie fnger, while keeping my ring fnger and my middle fnger
down. Held the hand out, palm facing away from me and moved it back and forth slightly. I'm signing I
love you too to Nathi.

I think her idea could work it could get people interested in signing. I’m even thinking we could include
online lessons and those interested could join. Who knows it might end up being an extra-curricular
actvity. The Sign club. Ok maybe I’m getng ahead of myself but I’m excited.

We fnish our meal while chatng, I tell Nathi of my dream of becoming an advocate and she tells me
there is none more suitable than me. She tells me of a blind prosecutor who has only recently been
admiied to prosecute in open court afer serving for years in the background.

“You see Farrah some of the things we do freely and openly now, others before us where afraid to do
but it took one person to take that leap of faith and the rest followed suit. oust because some people will
not be willing to invest in you, that does not make you a bad investment baby girl remember that
always.” I love how deep she gets with me, she talks to me like the young adult that I am.
“Now let’s go and buy a gif that will knock the socks of my son,” she says with a wide grin and I grin
back. Nathi pays for lunch, adding a generous tp and we head out arms interlinked and we contnue our
search for the perfect gif.

#Insert 39

“Love says: I've seen the ugly parts of you, and I'm staying” Mai Chandler

I'm exhausted. Not just physically but emotonally as well as mentally. I pitched Nathi’s idea to the
headmaster and he said he will hear what the teachers have to say. So a staf meetng was called and I
was invited to sit in and pitch my idea to them. Mr. Khwezi, that’s the headmaster, started of by
explaining why I was there but that did not spare me the looks of contempt I was receiving from some of
the teachers. Fortunately I was sitng next to Miss Ncube and she squeezed my hand under the table.

“I don’t see why that is necessary, we are running an educaton insttuton here not a speech therapy
centre,” that was the frst comment. You think that was unkind? There’s worse.

“She should go and hold the workshop for her kind, it’s bad enough we even allowed her to learn here,
this isn’t a school for kids with special needs.” Ouch

“So instead of chasing a 100% pass rate we have to be busy teaching our pupils this mumbo jumbo?
How will it even beneft them?”

“If she cant handle the positon she should just step down, there are plenty of bright students who can
talk as well.” The comments kept getng naster and naster tll Miss Ncube intervened.

“Surely she isn't asking for an overhaul of the entre curriculum but just a simple afer school workshop,
which would be optonal and aimed at equipping the students with an extra language. Miss Omar’s
signing is what set her speech apart and helped her win. Why should we deprive other children the
same opportunity?”

There were mumbled disapprovals and yet that really didn’t have a solid thing against the idea except
ignorance and a fear of change. Afer much bickering my idea was voted out and the only consolaton
was that I could put posters around the school about weekend signing classes. But if I wanted to use the
school premises I had to pay. I felt so defeated. Who would want to give up their weekend for signing
classes? And even if they did where was I going to get the money to pay. Banzi was waitng for me to
hear how it went bit when he saw my face, he just hugged me and didn’t say a thing I felt beier
aferwards.

The thing about dreams is that you put your all into a dream, pin your hopes and when it comes
crushing down, frustraton mounts and I was in a bad space. Then Banzi had the not so bright idea of
teaching me how to drive. It started out as a disaster. My hands were stf, I kept forgetng gears and
put too much pressure on the gas and I nearly hit the lamp post. I was clenching my teeth in frustraton
and it didn’t help that Banzi kept saying you can do this, you’ve got this. I wanted to scream and I really
couldn’t ask him anything my hands were ted up. I guess it all got too much, the tres screeched to a
halt and if it hadn't been for the seat belts we would have hit our heads on the dashboard. I got out of
my seatbelt and fung the door open, I just needed an escape. I had gone a few miles when Banzi parked
the car in front of me blocking my path. If looks could kill, he would have died that day.

“Get in the car Fatma, we're in the middle of nowhere and its not safe.” His voice was stern but I
wouldn’t budge.

“Fatma don’t make me come out there and get you.” He was frustratng me even more.

Leave me alone and go and get a normal girlfriend who can talk and who can drive, I signed wiping away
furiously the tears that dared fall.

I moved around the car then contnued walking. I hadn’t even gone three steps when Banzi came out of
the car in two long strides, he had caught up to me and he lifed me bodily from the waist. I started
kicking and clawing on his arms but he carried me to the car and bundled me into the front seat before
getng in and speeding of. That ride was the quietest we have ever had. I was sulking and he was
furious. He parked in his complex but when I tried going out the doors were locked. I turned and looked
at him, his eyes were red and that vein on his forehead was popping out.

“You never and I mean never storm out in the middle of nowhere because you are frustrated! Do you
hear me?” his angry voice is scary so I found myself nodding, he hit his fst on the dashboard and I
jumped in fear and looked at him.

“And don’t you ever tell me what to do. I love you dammit, if I wanted someone else I would be with
them but I'm with you. So if you get frustrated or angry, talk to me don’t push me away. I will not be
your punching bag, are we clear?” that day even my tears didn’t mollify him. That was our frst huge
fght and it hurt so bad. None of us texted the other or talked to the other and it’s been three days now.
He picks me up in the morning and drops me of afer school.

I guess it’s my fault, I did act like a brat but what people don’t understand is that it’s frustratng not
being able to do everything that your peers can do and to be shot down at every chance. It hurts and yes
I lashed out at Banzi but also I feel like he will get tred of having to be my strength and seeing all my
ugly scars and he will leave me. I don’t think I could stand that so I pushed him away, which hurts like
hell by the way. And all the strain is intensifed by the nightmares. I have bags under my eyes and today I
saw Banzi looking at me with concern. I don’t blame him, I’m a walking corpse, I’m exhausted.

School has been a drain, I tried studying but I’m just too tred. Banzi is standing in front of my desk, I
guess that means it’s tme to go. I pack my stuf and it takes all my strength, I haven't been eatng well. I
don’t really like the new therapist and no we haven't been going to therapy. Banzi takes my backpack as
always and he walks in front of me. I miss him, I really miss him even though he's standing in front of
me. I should swallow my pride and apologize. But he won’t even look at me, I get in the car and so does
he, exhauston takes over and I fall asleep as soon as the car starts moving.

I’m playing outside and there’s that girl the same one who has been hauntng me lately. She swats the
fies that are swarming around me in the arid hot weather. She smiles at me showing of her four teeth
and I smile back. We are making mud pies our faces are dirty and so are our hands but this is so much
fun. A shadow falls across us and it’s two men. Their faces are scary and their cheeks have been slashed
in matching scars. These ones have huge machetes slung across their robes and one kicks me with his
scufed boots.

“Get that one,” it’s Arabic I don’t know how I know that but the man grabs the liile girl and she starts
kicking and screaming or is that me screaming I try to stand but fall on my boiom. I crawl afer them
following her screams but they are walking too fast and I'm crawling too slow they fade into one of the
tents. The screams are fading and I’m crying.

“Baby wake up.” My eyes shoot open when I hear Banzi’s voice.

I was having the nightmare in his car and I cant stop shivering I look down and I've wet myself. I feel the
shame wallowing up and swallowing me, my tears overwhelm my body and I’m shaking uncontrollably.
Banzi tries touching me but I shrink away from his touch and I’m hurdled into a ball on his car seat
shivering, crying and wet.

I don’t even know when he leaves but I hear Nathi's voice now coming close to my ear.
“Its ok baby let us help you, come on baby we wont hurt you,” her voice is sof and I look at her through
the haze of my tears. Her face is open and I trust her but I’m stll scared the dream is stll on my mind.

“Let Banzi carry you into the house, ok?” I nod and Banzi scoops me up and I curl into his arms burying
my face into his neck.

He puts me on his bed and Nathi asks him to leave, she opens the water in the bathroom then comes to
undress me and leads me to the bathroom. I'm so stf. I get in and she bathes me as she would a baby
and the shivering stops by the tme she's done. She makes me wear Banzi’s pajamas, the top and his
boxers then she gives me some pills and tucks me in.

“How long has she been having these dreams?” Nathi’s voice sounds like it’s coming from a tunnel. The
pills are kicking in making me groggy.

“Close to a month now but this is the frst tme I've actually witnessed one. She was thrashing like she’s
fghtng someone and then she curled up into a ball and started shivering so hard she wet herself. I tried
shaking her awake but that made it worse.” I’m thinking that’s Banzi but his voice sounds distorted and
so far. I try fghtng the pills to hear more.

“When did you stop going to therapy?” Nathi’s voice sounds like it’s coming from a drum it's an echo.

“We only went once afer…” then the pills win and I foat to a drugged sleep at least it’s dreamless and
there aren’t any scary men in my sleep this tme.

#Insert 40

I feel like someone is staring at me, it’s a weird sensaton. I open one eye then the other and I'm met by
Banzi's gorgeous black eyes. Its creepy in a cute way, he's lying on his side while watching me sleep. I
stretch out my hand and trail it across his face, trailing paierns on his cushy lips. He quickly closes his
lips over my fnger and sucks hard on my fnger. His mouth is hot and when he sucks on my fnger my
whole body is fushed and hot. Wait why am I in Banzi's room? My brain is stll foggy with drugged sleep
then the fog lifs and recollectons of what happened yesterday come fooding back.
The nightmare while in the car, wetng myself and Banzi carrying me in while Nathi stripped and
washed me. I fush with a diferent emoton, trepidaton. How could I? And how will I face Nathi and
Banzi? I wet his car seats because of a stupid dream. I try pulling my fnger out of his mouth but he has
imprisoned my fnger in his mouth. Hot tears of shame come cascading down my eyes and Banzi is
alarmed to see the tears. He’s wiping them with his hands, gosh his hands are so big they could cover
my whole face yet they are so gentle. Finally he frees my fnger even though he’s stll caressing my face
like he is trying to imprint it to memory.

“Morning beautful,” his voice is deep and husky. His morning voice gives me the chills. I don’t know
whether to respond with a smile or a good morning but shame is stll consuming me so I look down. He
lifs my face up and he's close to tears. Oh bear don’t cry, that would totally break me. As if he can hear
my thoughts he blinks back the tears and clears his throat before talking.

“I’m sorry my Freckle-face, I've been a jerk the past days. I knew you were under a lot of pressure and I
only added to your load. Its just that when you said I should leave you alone in the middle of nowhere…”
his voice fades as he becomes emotonal and he has to clear his throat again before contnuing. “… I just
saw red. I hate it when you look down on yourself. It makes me want to shake you and show you how
amazing you are to me. Farrah I don’t want anyone else, I want you. You have seen all my demons yet
you are stll here, stll looking at me like I’m a hero. I want to be that hero for you. I want to be the best
version of myself for you. When I’m around you I don’t need to pretend, even my friends don’t know me
the way you know me. It’s like your big brown eyes see right through me and I can’t lose you, not when I
just found you. You are my happy place, my calm. Your quiet strength, the love you show my family and
me, your smart mouth, your sass and that sexy brain of yours drive me crazy. Please don’t shut me out,
let me in and we can fght your demons together the way you helped me fght mine. I'm barely a man
and I have nothing to ofer you but I love the man I am becoming because of you.”

This is the longest speech Banzi has ever said to me and his sincerity wraps around me like a warm
blanket and I hug him tght as silent sobs rack through my body. He hugs me back with such force and I
cling on to him. I’m damaged, even more than I thought but this beautful beast stll loves me. What
teenager wants a girl who wets herself?

My stomach rumbles breaking into our moment, Banzi chuckles and the sound goes through my body
making me feel lighter.

“Go wash your face and brush your teeth and let me feed you.” I nod shyly and get up. I’m stll in his
pajama top and boxers. The top is huge on me and it’s open at the chest showing some of my creamy
boobs which Banzi is staring at. I try to cover them but he holds my hands and dips his head inside my
chest, inhaling deeply. It’s a weird turn on. Then he kisses me deeply, his breath is minty and I'm betng
mine stnks like horse poo but he won’t let me break the kiss. To be honest his kisses are just what I
need. We haven't kissed in four days now and it feels like it’s been years. He fnally breaks the intense
kiss and muiers something about blue balls just under his breath and I’m confused.

“Go,” his voice is now a low growl and I scramble out of bed. oust as my feet touch the ground and I
stand up Banzi spanks my bui, hard. Ouch, what was that for? I glare at him and he's bitng his lower lip.
I know that look, it’s the same look he always has during our “sex tutorials” I scurry to the bathroom like
a bat trying to get away from hell’s fames. And I hear Banzi's deep and full laugh chasing me all the way
to the bathroom.

I look at my refecton in the mirror, I’m not as pale as I was yesterday and the bags have gone down.
Maybe because I slept throughout the night. I decide on a quick shower as well because Banzi's kiss lef
me feeling stcky. I use all his stuf from his toothbrush to his towel and everything smells of him, I love
it. I wonder feetngly if any other girl has been up in his bathroom also using his toothbrush. I brush that
thought of before it ignites my burning jealousy. I’ve learnt never to apply loton in his bedroom
because he just budges in, so I do my business in the bathroom and wear his pajama top and I have
washed his boxers.

I fnd him waitng with a tray with a full English breakfast minus the bacon and freshly squeezed orange
juice. I gobble everything down as he watches me with a huge smile on his face. My boyfriend is weird.

What tme is it? I ask when I’m done eatng

“oust a liile afer 12,” my eyes almost pop out of my head.

What about school? I sign already worried. It’s a Friday today.

“Don’t worry, Nathi went past school on her way to work. And get dressed, we have to go for your
therapy session.” He sounds chilled and that snaps me out of my panic and I am calmer now. Then I
remember Nura, she must be worried sick about me.

“Nathi called your mom, stop panicking, ok?” His ability to hear my thoughts is beginning to freak me
out. He takes the tray down and I dress up in what I assume is Nathi's dress, it’s synched on top and
wide at the boiom. A bit big on the bust area but otherwise a perfect ft. I wear Banzi's boxers and
Nathi’s gladiator fats. I te my hair into a simple ponytail and I go downstairs. Banzi rushes up to change
while I wait for him downstairs.
I miss Khanyo, he’s probably at preschool with his latest girlfriend. I cannot keep up with Khanyo's love
life but he assured me that I'm stll his number one. That was really comfortng to know. The liile
charmer is quite the ladies man. I’m just relieved that he isn’t being bullied and he is in an environment
which doesn’t make him feel diferent or unwanted. That’s all everyone needs to grown into the best
version of themselves, unconditonal acceptance. Banzi comes down looking all types of sin in his tght
jeans, ftng snug on his perky bui, and a t-shirt molded over his rippling muscles. My boo thang is
fames I kid you not.

“Take a picture it lasts longer,” I blush at the teasing lilt in his voice. He cant look like that and expect me
not to drool, it cant. He puts his hand on the small of my back and leads me to his car. My cheeks heat
up as I remember that I defled his car seat yesterday but it seems spotless as usual and it only smells of
leather. I'm relieved and I sit while Banzi puts on Young, dumb and broke. It’s a catchy silly song and him
singing along is just the distracton I need from my dark thoughts.

“Farrah what are these dreams about?” Dr. Du Toit is more clinical than Dr. Brown. He lacks her warmth
but Nathi says he’s one of the best. Well he surely is one of the oldest so I guess experience counts.

In all the dreams I am a baby and we are living in a military camp of sorts and I see gruesome things
being done to my mother and a girl who looks just like me. There are always huge scary men in them
and in some I’m drowning in the pool of my own blood, I sign as Banzi translates while the doctors
furiously scribbles down notes.

“So in all your dreams, you are a baby?” I fght the urge to roll my eyes, that’s what I just said but I nod
my head nonetheless and again he scribbles down notes. From a simple nod, I’m just saying.

“What was your childhood like?” his queston takes me back a bit.

It was simple enough, it was always just my mother and me. My earliest memory is when I was around 3
or thereabouts playing in the park with other children. One child tried to take my doll and I pushed her
and she fell and cried. Her mother rushed to her demanding I apologize but of course I can’t talk so I just
stared at her and the other mothers said I’m rude and stubborn. I guess that’s when I notced I’m
diferent from the other kids. Banzi is a good translator but I have to sign slower than I’m accustomed to
since the doctor has to scribble everything down. I wonder why he doesn’t use a recorder like Dr.
Brown.
“In your dreams you menton a young girl, is she your sister?” I frown at his queston.

Not that I know of, my mother never told me of a sister and my father died in Somalia just afer I was
born that’s why we lef and went to Abuja. I explain

“So your early memories are from your stay in Abuja?” his questons are beginning to make me sweat a
bit, I shake my head again.

No they are from when I was in ooburg.

“So you have no recollecton of what happened in Somalia or Abuja?” That’s what I just said but I nod.

“Could these be memories that you have repressed and your mind is reminding you of them?” even
Banzi is getng irritated, I mean he's the doctor how should I know.

“Do these nightmares occur every night?”

No, mostly they happen when I'm stressed, he harrumphs as he scribbles down my response.

“What has been stressing you?”

I tell him that I feel my mother is hiding stuf from me, about the staf meetng, my driving lesson which
turned into a fght and the upcoming exams. He takes it all down.

“Ok our tme is up, we will contnue on our next session,” he says as he closes his book.

Wait how do I stop the dreams? I sign my queston desperately

“Stop stressing so much and I have also prescribed anxiety medicine for you, do the exercises that Dr.
Brown told you to do and you will be fne. Good day.” He dismisses us and starts going through his
notes.
We pass through the dispensary and got the meds then Banzi takes me to lunch at Rocco Mammas, I
think its my new favorite place. I love their fries and their milkshakes. He asked the waitress, who was
eyeing him rather longingly, to bring a glass of water and forced me to take my pills. Afer lunch he
dragged me to Spar Toppers to get alcohol for his party which is tomorrow. He says we have to hide it
from Vuyo and that he had wanted to make me drunk but now he couldn’t because I was on meds.
Saved by anxiety pills.

#Insert 41

“When you have been told that you are difcult to love. It is overwhelming when someone treats you
like you are enough, you are not a burden.” Unknown

Banzi is drumming his fngers on the steering wheel to some deep house beat and I keep stealing covert
looks at him. I asked him to pass by my place I need to get some clothes for the weekend. I love Nura,
she's the only family I have but I just need some space from her and these nightmares I keep having. I
know I'm being a coward and selfsh but I’m scared. If I feel this shaiered at mere fragments of the
remembered “memories”, I’m amazed how she is stll standing, how she doesn’t wake up everyday in a
sweat, screaming and I wonder how she copes, smiles everyday and carries on like she isn’t carrying the
burden of the world on her shoulders. She thinks I will hate her or I’m startng to resent her, that
couldn’t be far from the truth, whatever happened she's my mother and one thing I have taken from
these nightmares is that I would rather die trying to protect her and I know she would do the same. I
feel a gentle touch on my arm and I jump slightly.

I zoned out again just now and Banzi is looking at me in concern. I smile at him trying to reassure him
that I’m ok. I'm surprised to see that we are at Safari, we get of and luckily Sbula is by the gate and he
promises to keep an eye on Banzi’s car. They even share those tsotsi handshakes and bump shoulders
while I watch on in bemusement. The apartment somehow looks smaller with Banzi towering in it. He
plows himself on the bed like it’s his and has that look which warns you that he’s about to be silly.

“So do you sleep in the nude?” He’s doing that thing again. That thing of bitng his lower lip and its
distractng as hell. I will not dignify that queston with a response.

“I can just picture you waltzing in from the bathroom in your birthday suit, only you don’t waltz you
paddle like a duck, your chest all out and your bui in the air,” he gets up and imitates my walk. I do not
walk like that! He’s thrustng his arse in the air, I throw whatever I'm holding in my hand at him and he
ducks laughing loudly.
I turn back to my packing while he picks up the item of clothing. I hear him whistling like an idiot and I
turn to see him holding the lingerie that Nathi bought me. I turn a scarlet scarlet, that’s how beyond red
I look right now. It’s a lacy black number, my favorite cause it’s so light and caresses your skin when you
put it on. It’s sheer and the sofest lace. And now Banzi is holding up the pantes, even smelling them
much similar to the way I was molestng his towel the day Vuyo walked in on me in his bathroom. I
watch him, mouth dry as he traces his fnger where my nookie nestles and then he comes and hands me
the pantes and the bra.

“Wear that for me tomorrow,” something in his voice makes me want to gulp my nonexistent saliva
which has deserted my patched throat. I grab the pantes from him and contnue packing quickly. I'm
careful not to look in his directon.

I tear a page from my journal and write Nura a quick note.

I need some space, I'm trying to process whatever these dreams mean. I understand that you are not
ready to talk yet and I wont force you but for my own sanity, I need to be away for the weekend and not
think about it. You stll are and forever will be my bf. Ma ogolaan karo inay wax kugu dhacaan, waxaan
jeclahay adiga kaliya mañana. ( I can't stand anything happening to you, I love only you mama.)

I fold the note and put it on our vanity drawer and Banzi takes my overnight bag and we leave to go and
collect Khanyo from preschool.

He runs to me the moment he spots us and throws himself at me. He’s tall for his age but at least he
isn’t that heavy I would have fallen. Then he starts raining kisses on my face tll Banzi deems it’s enough
and aiempts to take him from me. The dirty looks Khanyo is throwing at Banzi are so cute but he's
aiming for ferce I guess. Then the chaier starts. So he was sitng alone during break and Lisa came and
sat with him giving him her apple then Melody came and ofered him chocolates,he went and played
with her leaving a crying Lisa. Young thug tendencies.

I let him chaier, his big black eyes with their clear whites animated. His hand gestures are quick and
genuine, no malice or decepton and his loud bubbly sounds. I love this precious boy, I hope the world is
kinder to him than it has been to me when he begins to notce that he is diferent. Impulsively I hug him
and kiss the top of his head and for once he doesn’t squirm or try to break free afer a few seconds. I
catch Banzi watching us in the rearview mirror and he is smiling widely. I smile back and my heart is at
ease.
We fnd a diferent car in the driveway but Banzi goes to park in the garage. When he’s sure that Vuyo is
not in, he smuggles his boiles of alcohol into the house then comes back to take a now sleeping
Khanyo from my arms.

“Oh mama said I should tell you to come help her with the salads, they are in the kitchen,” he says over
his shoulder and contnues to walk in. They? Whose they? I’m suddenly nervous, I’m not good with
meetng new people. I walk slowly to the kitchen and fnd Nathi laughing with a female version of Banzi
and the sour cousin, Zuzu. I greet by waving and smile at them, Zuzu gives me an evil look and the one I
don’t know who looks like my bear gives me a warm hug.

“You must be Freckle-face wakhe, I’m Bongiwe,” she’s bubbly and warm. Oh, she’s the last female
cousin. All I can do is nod and smile.

She holds me at arms length and looks me over. Her look is intense, like she’s taking all of me in with her
big black eyes with curled eyelashes which makes them look like doll eyes. She looks older maybe
around her early twentes but there's no doubt about it, she’s preiy and her smile is easy and
contagious.

“Makazi awuxokanga akasemhle tshini! (Aunty you didn’t like she’s so preiy wow.)” I'm blushing and
Zuzu is rolling her eyes. What is that girl's problem?

“I told you nyana wam' has taste for days, now let my baby go you are scaring her.” Nathi saves me from
the inspecton and gives me the biggest hug. “Are you fne?” she whispers for my ears alone and I nod
while stll in her embrace.

“Seems like she's also your girlfriend makazi,” Bongiwe laughs and her laugh is loud and infectous.

“Tell her Bongz, she's hogging my baby kaloku,” Banzi's voice stll gives me the chills. Nathi laughs and
squeezes me one last tme and lets me go.

“Kid look at you all grown with a girlfriend even and here I was thinking you are gay,” it’s obvious these
two are close, Banzi rolls his eyes dramatcally.
“Not all of us can play for the other team like you and you are only older than me by eleven months stop
calling me a kid,” Bongiwe is now restng her head on my bear's chest and he has his arms around her
waist. So she's a lesbian! Wow I couldn’t tell not that I think there's a specifc thing that should be an
identfer like some mark which says hey I'm a lesbian but she just looks like every man's dream.

“Careful I might just take your girl away from you Kid,” Bongiwe says playfully as she comes my way but
Banzi beats her to it and hugs me protectvely from behind me.

“Stay away from my girl Bongz, this tme I will kill you,” Nathi and Bongiwe burst into fts of laughter and
I'm the only one lef in the dark and Zuzu might as well not even be in the room. Everyone is ignoring
her grouchy mood and having fun teasing each other.

“Come on kid, it was that only one tme and we were in Primary. I told you she was playing for my
team,” Bongiwe manages to say afer their laughter has subsided.

“We were in grade 7 and she wasn’t, you turned her and you had to go for the hoiest girl in our school.
My friends stll laugh at me even today.” Banzi exaggerates the hurt in his voice.

“Its not my fault, I got more lines than you,” Ouch I have to hand this round to Bongiwe and they laugh
and the banter goes on. I’m listening as I help make salads and Banzi hasn’t moved from behind me this
whole tme tll Nathi says he has to go and buy meat and drinks for tomorrow.

“Send Bongz mama she can drive as well,” he whines tghtening his arms around me and Bongiwe
gufaws loudly.

“LwandleLubanzi hamba!” Banzi hufs then he kisses me on my neck then turn my face to kiss me on the
lips tll the ladies complain and swat him away. He leaves reluctantly, walking backwards and blowing
kisses my way tll he is out of sight. You should all see me right now blushing and smiling, his love makes
me a blushing mess. Bongiwe whistles and it sounds like Banzi's whistling.

“The Kid is whipped makazi, I’ve never seen him this bananas over anyone before,” Nathi is grinning
from ear to ear.
“My Farrah isn't just anyone, did I tell you that she's Head Prefect now? Remember I told you she won a
scholarship in Cape Town. Brains, beauty and the kindest heart my son would be stupid to let her go and
I would whoop that arse of his like I used to back when you two gave me grief,” it’s hard to imagine
Nathi whooping anyone’s arse.

But Bongi goes on to tell us their old stories and seems like they earned a lot of whoopings. I'm smiling
like a retard, I feel free around Bongi, she's a kindred spirit. Nathi asks Zuzu to accompany her to get
some salad leaves at the shops. Now its just me and the smooth lesbian.

“Tell me how you got the kid all wrapped around your fnger?” I smile and shrug my shoulders shyly.

“Don’t play shy with me, spill doll face! You must give it to him good,” I shake my head in the negatve
and sign that we haven't done it yet. The look on Bongiwe’s face is comical, her eyes are popping out
and her mouth is literally hanging open.

“You mean you haven't done it yet?” when I shake my head she bursts into fts of laughter. “Kid is totally
whipped. Do you at least go down on him?” I frown my confusion. I have no idea what she's talking
about and she notces, “Giving head? Blowjob?” I’m stll lost and now ashamed of my ignorance.

“Blue balls must be killing him!” that term again, I ask her what blue balls are and when she explains I
feel bad. I'm such a bad girlfriend I've been receiving pleasure at my boyfriend’s expense. She takes pity
on my forlorn face and says she's going to give me a tutorial. I won’t ask her how she knows this since
she’s a lesbian, I’m not one to pry plus I need this tutorial. She takes a cucumber and makes me hold it.

“Hold it gently and frst move your hands frmly up and down. Like that, yes good, perfect. You are a
natural at this. Now you want to tease him with the tp of your tongue on the tp of his head frst…” I
don't want her to laugh at me further by telling her I have never seen a penis before so I just go along
with it and subject the poor cucumber to Bongiwe's naughty ways.

#Insert 42

(WARNING EXPLICIT CONTENT, READ AT OWN RISK 18SLN)

I've learnt a lot from Bongiwe from the short tme we have been together. I have learnt that she is the
only child of really busy parents who always throw money at her. Early on in her life she was being
passed around from one nanny to the next tll Nathi took pity on her and took her in and she stayed with
them tll grade 7. I could tell from her voice that she really loves Nathi and goes to her for all her
problems. Then when that whole Rochelle saga happened and the family took sides she was shipped to
an all girls boarding school. Not that she was complaining she called it cat heaven, I didn’t ask what that
meant. But underneath the loud outspoken smooth operator lay a very lonely soul. I know because I’'ve
been one too for as long as I can remember tll Banzi bossed his way into my life. She is very funny and
very wild, she promised to sneak me to a male strip club but Banzi walked in on us as she was saying
that.

“Not happening, wena Bongz stop corruptng my baby,” for a moment there, he sounded like Vuyo.

“Yes dad,” Bongiwe said rolling her eyes then when Banzi was putng the meat in the fridge she winked
at me and mouthed the words It’s on am taking you next tme.

“I heard that!” Banzi shouted with his head stuck in the fridge and there their fghtng began and the
teasing and I was just an amused spectator.

oust as I am now as we are outside while Banzi and Bongiwe are grilling meat, the parents went on date
night, every second Friday is date night. You should have seen those two all swanked up. Vuyo looked
polished in a tuxedo nogal, a royal blue one with black lapels and black pants and a black bow te. Nathi
had on a fowing royal blue dress with a slit that went all the way to her thigh and an almost nonexistent
back. Those killer black red-boiom heels gave her pette frame that boost. Her hair was manipulated
into a riot of curls with two tendrils lef skillfully hanging. I thought they were celebratng an anniversary
or something but no, they are going out to Nathi’s work event then they are planning to paint the town
royal blue.

“Don’t wait up for us and you two don’t make us grandparents yet,” Vuyo said pointng at Banzi and me.
Sigh. Of course I blushed I cannot for the life of me get used to Vuyo's straight talk. At least him and
Banzi seem to be making some progress

It would be perfect if only Zuzu wasn’t here spoiling the mood. She's been throwing shade at me and I've
been keeping my silence but I'm up to my neck with her stnking attude. Khanyo is busy bugging Banzi
to roast some marshmallows for him. When he fnally relents, Khanyo gives me the frst one and I must
admit its delicious.
“I wonder what Banzi even sees in this thing,” Zuzu muiers to herself but loud enough for all of us to
hear. I see Banzi charging towards her and Bongi is standing between them and stopping Banzi from
doing something stupid like hit her. When Banzi has calmed down Bongi turns to Zuzu in anger.

“What is freaking wrong with you? He made out with you that one tme and you know he was on drugs.
What's your excuse? He's your fipping cousin for crying out loud sies!”

I think I just lost my appette, I say my good nights and leave them bickering behind me. Banzi catches
up with me with a plate of food and even when I decline the food, he force feeds me and make me take
my meds. I refuse to sleep in his room and lock myself in one of the guest bedrooms. Sometmes its hard
dealing with his wild past and boy am I jealous. That the thought of another girl touching my bear is
enough to make me boil. But I will be damned if I let that skank come between the surprise Bongiwe
helped me come up with. I set my alarm for a quarter to midnight and catch a power nap.

I’m nervous as I put on the black number under my sensible robe. I te the knot frm not want my rob to
open by accident in the passage. I looked at myself in the mirror and almost chickened out. But I hear
Bongiwe’s voice saying, “Guys love it when their ladies are ferce for them, so jut for tonight put your
natural shyness aside."

And something about the sheer number showing of my body just gave me that confdence, it
accentuates my fat tummy and pushes out my breasts giving me that hour glass fgure. I'm skeptcal
about the other thing that Bongiwe gave me but she assured me it would drive him crazy. It’s now two
minutes to midnight and I paddle my way barefoot to Banzi's bedroom.

He's in the bathroom and I lock the door behind me. He's surprised when he sees me sitng on his bed.
He's from taking a shower and his towel is hanging low on his waist, I gulp as nerves begin to overwhelm
me. Banzi is just standing there gawking at me. This is really awkward, luckily I stll have my robe on.

Come on Farrah you can do this just channel your inner hoe like Bongi said, I am giving myself a pep talk
in my mind. I stand up and boldly go towards Banzi tll our bodies are almost touching. I stand on tptoe
and bring his head down and his hitched breath just lends me the liile courage I need to bite his lower
lip, I've been wantng to do this for a long tme now and it feels so good. He yelps and I take charge and
kiss him hard. When I pull up both of our breathing paierns are ragged and his towel has fallen to the
foor. My eyes on their own accord move to his penis. Allah! I feel light headed just looking at it, I have
no comparison to what I'm looking at but it’s in perfect proporton with his tall buf self and its growing
in front of my very eyes! I gulp and Banzi seems like he is in a trance just standing there in his chiseled
perfecton.
Snap out of it Farrah, you are in charge. Why does the voice in my head suddenly sound like Bongiwe? I
start pushing Banzi backwards while our eyes are glued to each other. His are questoning and mine are
nervous. He is now standing at the edge of his bed and one fnal push and he's lying there on his back,
he stll hasn't said a word, I think he thinks he’s dreaming. Somehow this works in my favor because if he
even uiers a word my bravado would quickly desert me. From my pocket I take out the handcufs that
Bongiwe gave to me. I see Banzi's eyes pop out in shock and that gives me the wings I need to cuf his
one hand to the headboard and take out the other cufs and cuf his other hand as well. My hands were
a bit shaky but all in all I’m impressed with my handiwork. Banzi is lying sprawled on the bed his hands
cufed above him and I stare at his thing tll he clears his throat but it sounds more like a painful groan. I
snap out of my wonder, that seems larger than the cucumber and I wonder how I’m going to ft it in my
mouth. I look at Banzi and his eyes look fried and bloodshot, he’s even sweatng a liile. His reacton is
giving me a giddy feeling of power. I unte my robe and let it slide to the foor.

“Farrah…” the way my name comes out in a croak from his voice gives me goosebumps .

Happy Birthday my heart, I sign and he is just ogling my body.

I walk towards him and he remains frozen. Sway those hips baby, ok I don’t know who that voice
belongs to anymore. I get on the bed and crawl my way to his head which is craned up slightly as he’s
trying to see every move that I make. I kiss him just to restore my courage and it turns into a deep
tongue acton, my strokes are sure and in control. His mouth is hot and I love it, I get lost in the kiss tll I
feel him poking me. I break the kiss and trail kisses down his neck, down his chest to his abs. I remember
the frst tme he lifed his shirt during rugby and I wanted to touch his abs. Today I’m exploring them
freely with my hands and mouth, kissing, licking and playfully nipping at the hard contours on his
stomach.

His moans and groans assure me that I'm stll on the right track. He has a smaiering of hair from his
navel which creates a happy trail all the way to his man weapon. I tug at the hair with my teeth and his
groans intensify. By the tme I reach himi he is hard and there is a liile dew on top. This must be the
head that Bongi was referring to, now am at a loss and decide to just go with my instncts. My frst
instnct is to taste him so I run my tongue on his gun. It’s standing at aienton, veins popping out, I’m
not sure about the standard size but he seems preiy huge to me. My tongue meets with the head and
Banzi cries out and I lif my head quickly thinking I've hurt him.

“Please baby, don’t stop,” he is begging almost whimpering and I hold him just as I was instructed. He is
hard but his skin is so sof, each stroke elicits a groan from him and I stroke him harder and he moans.
Then I remember Bongiwe cautoning that I shouldn’t take too long stroking him otherwise he will come
on my hand. Yes I know what coming is now that feeling like I want to pee and peeing is actually an
orgasm. I got schooled I tell you. It was easy to ask all these questons because Bongiwe was very open.
So I stop stroking him and I lick his balls while pumping his gun, Bongiwe would be proud of me and he is
rackling his hands trying to break free from the cufs but they are holding him securely.

Now for the next part which I was very skeptcal about I might add but Bongiwe insisted that it works
like a charm when she’s muffling her fings. She game me a black Halls sweet and said I should suck on it
as I suck Banzi. I reluctantly take it out of my bra and open it then pop the sweet in my mouth. Banzi is
looking at me through narrowed eyes and I want him to cool down a bit so I kiss him playfully and he's
moaning my name. I fnally gather the courage to take his head into my mouth and I suck gently at frst
and a bit harder. That rackling noise again.

“Fuck, its cold Farrah, baby, its hot fuck, yes, harder, ooh baby yes!” He’s almost screaming now and I
almost gag trying to take more of him in. He’s thrustng upwards into my mouth and we develop some
form of rhythm in sync with the grunt and sounds that he’s making. I suck harder careful not to hurt him
with my teeth. I’ve never felt like I have so much power over someone in my life. His movements
became more jerked and frenzied just like me when I feel all the heat mountng and I get of from seeing
him like that I'm so turned on. My mouth hurts now but it’s a small price to see him, head thrown back,
making incoherent sounds and thrustng into my mouth.

“Baby stop before I come in your mouth…” his voice comes out disembodied and hoarse. I suck harder
and he screams a short scream.

“Farrah I cant hold it anymore, I'm going to come in your mouth baby if you don’t stop right…” His voice
is urgent and raspy. I'm curious how he tastes so I don’t heed his words I squeeze him lightly with my
hand and suck him. His whole body jerks then freezes.

“Fuck Farrah!” his semen shoots into my mouth and its too much, I gag and struggle to swallow, some of
it spills out of the corner of my mouth and I swallow the rest. It tastes salty with a hint of the mint I was
also sucking on. I go to the bathroom because I cant really look Banzi in the eye right now. I take his
towel and warm it with hot water then I go and wipe him, the way he usually wipes me, his eyes are
closed like he's passed out. I panic and un-cuf his hands. I'm relieved when he grabs me tghtly cradling
me on top of him. His heart is thudding erratcally underneath my ear and his breathing is stll hard.

“Thank you for the best birthday gif ever,” he says sofly afer a while. Oh, and this wasn’t even his
birthday gif. Here I was thinking men are expensive to please, how wrong I was. I fall asleep on top of
him with him stroking my hair. I think I nailed the tutorials, afer all I'm a quick study.
#Insert 43

“ Love is a great beautfer.”

Louisa May Alcoi, Liile Women

I'm woken up by wet kisses all over my face and I tried brushing them of but that only earned me more.
I open my eyes and I'm snuggled on top of Banzi and he keeps kissing me tll he notces I'm awake. A girl
can get used to waking up on top of this beautful beast every day.

“Morning beautful,” I'm blushing at the deep husky tones of his voice and he chuckles.

“Afer last night, I didn’t think I will ever see you blush again.”

Memories of last night come crashing down and I aiempt to get of him but like he was expectng that
reacton, he holds me down. I'm stll wearing that lingerie and in broad daylight the adrenaline that was
pumping in my veins has deserted me.

“Who taught you all that? No forget it, I don’t care where you learnt it baby you were on fre.” I fnally
gather the courage to look at him and he's smiling from ear to ear. At least he enjoyed it.

“You even let me come in your mouth! Baby and the things you were doing with your tongue…” I had to
cover his mouth with my hand to shut him up.

Can we stop talking about it already. But truth is I enjoyed it just as much as he did, it gave me a heady
sense of power seeing him so frenzied and promising me the world. I was scared that my inexperience
would turn him of but it was the opposite. I don’t regret what I did last night but it will be a while
before I gather the strength to do it again.

Someone aiempts to open the door from outside but I locked it pheew! Then Vuyo's voice loudly comes
through the door.

“Mfondini if you want to be locking doors buy your own house and I promise you if you are busy making
me a grandfather in there I will kick your balls in. Wake up, you wanted a party now come make it
happen!” I’m mortfed with each sentence but mostly with the fact that had I not locked he would have
found me on top of his son.

Banzi is fnding this whole mess funny, I glare at him and that only makes him laugh harder. I get of him
and that’s a huge mistake, he now wants to look at me and touch me. I know where this is going, I swat
his hands of but in a minute I fnd myself pinned underneath him.

“The lady cant leave without her morning glory,” I'm about to protest when his tongue fnds my nub and
all coherent thoughts desert me. It’s a good thing I'm mute because my screams and moans would have
had Vuyo breaking down the door.

Thirty minutes later, I've taken a quick shower and in my robe I aiempt to sneak into my room
unnotced. I'm not so lucky because I hear a whistle behind me.

“Walk of shame!” why is she so loud though? Does she want everyone to know? I signal for her to keep
it down and Bongiwe takes it as an invite to follow me to my room.

“Damn girl I said blow the kid, not kill him!” she exclaims the minute she closes the door and she's
laughing as she makes herself comfortable on my bed. “What were you doing to him? We could all hear
his screams and groans, I even got turned on just listening. Luckily Khanyo can’t hear anything and the
parents only came back now.” Bongiwe has this proud look in her face. I'm not about to kiss and tell and
I tell her that and she laughs.

“You sly thing! But I see the cherry hasn’t been popped yet, you would be walking like you are in labor
that is if you can stll walk at all when the kid is done with you.” What?!

There’s a knock and Nathi comes in just as I'm about to ask what Bongiwe meant with her last
statement.

“There you are! Come on babies we need to help set up the décor before we go and makes Miss Party
here preiy. I booked us a spa and facials and your make up artst should be here by 12. Come on get
dressed Farah stop gawking at me. We are late!” but it’s not even my party I want to argue but she's
already taking out what I should wear now while Bongiwe takes my shoes. I am surrounded by bullies.
I can't recognize the face staring back at me in the mirror, those sparkling eyes which appear bigger
cannot possibly belong to me. My skin appears fawless they even added some light gliier around my
eyes. And my hair, the hairdresser said it would be a sin to hide such magnifcent hair underneath a
weave so he washed it and worked his magic straightening it, I don’t even know what style this is but it
makes my cheekbones appear sharper and lends a delicacy to my face which wasn’t there.

They chose a short jumpsuit for me and it's white with gold buions on the front. My long legs, which
were also waxed look endless and smooth in the jumpsuit and my tny feet are in gold gladiator wedges.
There are gold earrings dangling on my ears and a gold bracelet on my arm. I pout my pink lips and I
must say this make up makes me look older and more sophistcated. Nathi and Bongi high fve clearly
impressed by their handiwork.

“Girl if I had a body like yours I would always wear jumpsuits!” that’s Nathi and I don't know what she
means because she looks radiant in a jumpsuit herself but hers is longer with long sleeves, a deep V-
neck showing of her boobs and it has a thin gold band on the waist.

Bongiwe looks hot in high waist white shorts with buions similar to mine and a crop halter-neck top,
showing of her dragon taioo on her fat tummy, fames baby.

I feel confdent walking in between these two gorgeous species arms linked as we get in. The décor team
did a splendid job turning the pool area into a white and gold dream. There are white couches set up
around the backyard and then there’s a table at the front overlooking the pool where my bear is sitng.
He’s talking to his friends not looking our way and that gives me a chance to openly drool. He got a fresh
haircut, and he looks magnifcent in a white shirt with sleeves slightly rolled up and white pants with his
later Air oordan whites and a white watch. His dimple deepens as he laughs at whatever, his friends are
saying. One of the friends nudges him to look our directon and I see his jaw drop.

He comes our way and these two leave me feeling naked and alone. My bear is standing in front of me
looking at all of me. I feel self-conscious and it doesn’t help that everyone is looking at us and the
photographer is busy clicking away.

“You look amazing baby, I want to lock you up so that nobody else looks at you.” I smile at the
compliment and he takes my hand and takes me to his table where he chases his friends away. He won’t
let go of my hand even when we are sitng down. Even when our food arrives I have to eat with one
hand because he's holding my hand captve.

The MC starts talking but I cant hear a word because Banzi keeps drawing circles on my exposed thighs
giving me the tngles. He only lets go of my arms when he goes to make a speech, thanking his parents
for the man he has grown into and me for making him want to become beier. It was a short sweet
speech that almost made me want to cry. I felt a tny cold hand holding mine and I turned to Khanyo’s
big wet kiss. He looked like a liile angel in his white dungaree with a white short sleeved shirt and
Timberland boots, he even had a liile white hat on and he was so beautful. I kissed him all over his face
and he giggled.

I heard clicking sounds and turned to see Banzi busy taking pictures of us.

“It wouldn’t hurt if you kissed me like that too you know,” he pouts and I grin. His jealousy of Khanyo is
so cute. I kiss him as well all over his face and he’s smiling a wide smile. Banzi can be such a baby at
tmes.

“I hear on good authority that we have a Shakira in the house today and R500 has been pledged for her
to show us her moves. Farrah please come and open the dance foor for us.” The MCs voice booms
across the pool area and I look at this moron next to me and he’s laughing. I pinch him and he screeches
causing everyone to laugh. I look pleadingly at Nathi and she takes pity on me.

“I pledge one thousand to let her of the hook,” she shouts.

“I want to see this, sorry Farrah but R1500 says let her dance,” that traitor! I can’t believe Bongiwe
would do this to me.

I ask for a board and write that I pledge R2000 to stop all this nonsense of me dancing.

“R5000 makot show us what our son is always bragging about,” trust Vuyo to make it his mission to
always embarrass me. Nathi looks at me pityingly and shrugs her shoulders in defeat. I'm screwed.

(Our Miss Party)

#Insert 44

Have you ever had over 50 pairs of eyes drilling through you? The nerves and you are just praying that
you don’t fall on your bui. I felt all that and I almost had a mini melt down but Khanyo came to my
rescue. I was standing there looking lost when my liile man joined me on the dance foor. He danced
those fancy hip-hop moves, like a liile Michael oackson. He was even tossing his hat around, don’t ask
me where he got the sense of rhythm I guess its inborn. That allowed me to be more free and dance as
freely as him. We were having our own moment there on the dance foor. My angel had a routne and I
caught up to him fast improvising here and there that it actually looked like our moves were
choreographed.

Then he had to show of and throw in some krumping moves and I did mini twerks. I had fun, I shut out
everyone else except my liile man and myself. Even the song didn’t maier it was just us dancing our
hearts of and when the song ended I swooped him up for a hug and threw kisses all over his cute face.

Then I remembered where we were and I turned to see Nathi with tears rolling down her eyes, Vuyo
whistling with Bongiwe while I couldn’t read the expression on Banzi's face. Oh and Zuzu looked like she
swallowed a can of worms.

“Shuuuu its getng hot in here, I don't think anyone can top those moves bethuna but ke issa lituaton
today, let the dancing begin!”

I wonder where they got that MC but he’s got hype and soon people are flling up the dance space and
I'm sitng with my feet dangling inside the pool watching them. I wonder where Banzi went, I haven't
seen him since people started dancing. Bongiwe sits next to me and hands me a plate. The parents have
disappeared into the house dragging a reluctant Khanyo with them, my liile man stll wanted to show
of his moves.

“I saw you nibbling at your food earlier, it couldn't have been easy eatng with so many people
watching,” I'm not sure whether to throw her in the pool for pledging money for me to dance or kiss her
for bringing me food. So I just take the plate and glare at her and she laughs. I love Bongiwe’s laugh it’s a
deep belly laugh and it’s contagious. I fnd myself smiling at her as I dig into the food.

“That wasn’t too hard now was it? You are very fexible, do you do a lot of yoga?”

I shake my head and she seems impressed.

“Pity you not a lesbian, the moves you could do with that fexibility! I had this one chick, she could bend
tll she could suck the life out of me while she was facing the opposite directon,” I'm tying to imagine
that positng in my mind and I fail dismally. But it’s fun hearing her stories.

Do your parents know that you are a lesbian? I venture to ask afer eatng, I feel brave.

“They don’t know and they don’t care, they are both living their lives. I guess I was a mistake they had
when they were younger and then they went on with their lives. Their careers are booming and in
between their business meetngs they make tme for themselves and not for me. Oh and they transfer
lots of money into my account every tme they miss a birthday, a tournament or any huge event in my
life. At least makazi is always there.” She hides the pain under a fippant tone but I can feel her pain. So I
hug her, I have slowly learnt that hugs are therapeutc too.

“Hee wena Bongz go and fnd your own girl and leave Fatma, she is mine. Mine alone and you and
Khanyo should just back of,” his words might not be slurred yet but he smells of alcohol. So he
disappeared to go and get drunk, that thought somehow pisses me of.

He plonks next to me and rolls his trousers before dangling his feet as well in the water. He grabs me
and kisses me heatedly tll I push him away, there are people all around us and Bongiwe has lef us. His
eyes look red and I'm worried that he might have done some drugs. I have to ask him.

“Relax baby, I only drank some shots with the guys and a boile of whisky.” I breathe easier.

Promise me no maier what you will never touch drugs or smoke any weed again, I sign looking into his
eyes.

“I promise baby,” he starts tckling me and splashing my face with water. Gaaaaaaar! Banzi. He isn’t
intmidated by the annoyed look I’m giving him.

“I love you baby wami vha? One day I'm going to marry you and we are going to have children. Loads
and loads of children. I want my own liile army of children and they will all look like you with those
bewitching eyes and those long curly eyelashes and that mouth which just turns me on by looking at.
Did I tell you it’s now my favorite part of your body? Your mouth, I love it, I love you,” he’s touching my
mouth pulling at my lower lip as he talks, he's not even posing to catch breath.
You are drunk, I sign.

“Yes I'm drunk in love baby!” he says loudly and laughs at his own lame joke. Great! Drunk bear has no
chill whatsoever.

“Come on let’s go dance, I want to feel your body grinding into mine,” he gets out of the water and
scoops me up. I don’t want to fall and hit my head, he’s drunk for crying out loud.

Put me down, I sign in a rush.

“I would never make you fall baby, don’t you know you are my heart? I have to protect my heart
always.” I wonder just how many of those boiles has he already taken. I snuggle into his arms and hug
him closer my arms wound around his neck. We get to where people are dancing and he puts me down.

He starts dancing behind me, his hand on my waist leading me and controlling my movements to be in
sync with his. Its like he’s plastered behind me and I feel myself letng loose and now it’s me leading
him. I grind my bui into his groin and I hear him groan deeply. This is what he wanted and I’m giving it
to him. We dance untl we are both sweatng and plastered to each other while barefoot.

Someone calls Banzi to get them something and I’m lef standing alone. I go to the fringe of the crowd
careful not to wonder into any dark corner alone. I hear tiering behind me, its Loyiso. I don't like
Banzi’s friend, he has a mean streak and he called me a dumb broad.

“If I had known you clean up so well I would have taped that frst,” he snickers groping my bui cheek. I
slap his hand.

“Feisty aren't we. I saw the way you were dancing with Banzi and it turned me on. Feel how turned on I
am.” He forcefully takes my hand but before he even makes me touch his disgustng thing, a punch
makes impact with his face and he is sent sprawling to the foor. I turn and see Banzi with the ugliest
expression on his face.

“Go to Bongiwe Farrah.” His voice is sof but menacing, I don’t want him doing anything stupid so I don’t
budge.
“Bongiwe take Farrah away from here.” She drags me away and I twist my head to see Banzi pummeling
the arrogance out of Loyiso's face.

“Nobody messes with what's mine Loyiso, nobody! We are done here leave my house!” he roars afer
he’s exhausted his punches and kicks. Nobody has made a move to stop him. Angry Banzi is scary and
right now he is beyond angry. Loyiso gets up from the foor slowly, no one is helping him up and you can
just see he is in pain. He slowly moves towards his car spitng out blood. Banzi did a number on him.
Everyone now is just standing around awkwardly.

Banzi comes where I'm standing with Bongiwe and grabs my am. Oh please not this again. Banzi can be
so infuriatng at tmes. I tug at my hand and he sofens his grip but leads me to the house. Vuyo and
Nathi look up in surprise from the couch were they are cuddling but he doesn’t even give them a chance
to queston him. He charges upstairs with me in his wake and gets into his room.

“Go take a shower,” his voice has sofened a bit but I can stll see fury oozing of him.

I don’t need to be told twice, I rush to the bathroom, take of the jumpsuit and get into the cold water
before it even warms. I wont feel sorry for myself or think I did something to encourage him, Loyiso is a
jerk. Full stop. I fnish my shower and go into his room. I fnd his boxers and t-shirt laid out for me in the
bed and I wear them. I'm just getng into the blankets when the door opens and Banzi comes in. He’s
from taking a shower as well in another room and he looks yummy in just plain pajama boioms. He gets
in behind me and cuddles behind me. I get up on my elbows and ask him why he doesn’t go and aiend
to his guests in the party.

“I have all that I want with me, now sleep.”

That reminds me, his birthday present. I fnd the liile box and hand it to him. It’s a watch and Nathi said
I could have it inscribed a message. I asked them to write

Every Second of each day my heart beats for you.

He looks at the inscripton and he has the biggest smile on his face, he’s even blushing.

“Thank you baby,” he gives me a baby smooch and pulls me into his arms. All in all its been an eventul
day but I'm glad I got to spend it with my bear.
#Insert 45

“None of us are getng out of here alive, so please stop treatng Yourself like an aferthought. Eat the
delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. oump in the ocean. Say the truth that you are carrying in your heart
like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There’s no tme for anything else.” Anthony Hopkins

Study. Eat. Sleep. Wake up and repeat. This has become my life for the past weeks. I haven't even had
tme to write in my journal. Become a Matriculate they said, it’s fun they said. Boy did they lie. I'm so
exhausted by the tme I hit the pillows I don’t even have tme to dream so I stopped taking that
medicaton and I no longer have nightmares.

My relatonship with my mother had become strained, she carries a heavy burden and whenever I tried
reaching out to her she brushed of my concern. I stll love her more than life itself but we don’t talk
anymore like we used to do. She’s working herself to the bone and I worry about her. I asked her to go
to my therapy sessions with me but she declined. We stll pray together though, everyday at midnight
without fail. I hug her more and kiss her more because Nathi said there is nothing more healing to a
mother than her child’s unconditonal love. Sometmes I walk into her crying silently and I don’t ask or
pry anymore just hold and soothe her the way she has always held and soothed me.

“I don't deserve you Macaanto,” she said one day while snifng and wiping her tears.

How wrong she was. Nura has always put me frst, she has no life of her own except to try and provide
the best life for me. So I took the rest of the bet money and booked us a spa day.

There was something so satsfying about watching Nura moan as they kneaded her shoulders and
watching her relax and her worry lines disappear under the green face mask even if it was just for a day.
I made her have her nails manicured and her feet pedicured. Even got her face made up, she looked
breathtaking her face countered and I asked her not to cover her face. Her looks were stopping trafc
and she wasn’t even aware of just how beautful she looked.

And with my last R7000 I took her shopping. I made her buy a long sleeved seaweed green chifon shirt-
dress which reached up to her ankles but was open on the sides, it had tny buions up to her knees and
made her pair it up with pastel slim ft pants and nude heels from Aab Collecton. Bought her a long
high-waist purple foral fared skirt and it’s accompanying silk long sleeved shirt and a modern silky hijab
from Haute Hijab, an artully made turban from Iman Aldebe's collecton and fnished of with some
Hana Tajima scarfs. She stll looked modest but not drab anymore, more of modern modest chic.
Underneath her bulky clothes Nura had been hiding a lush curvaceous fgure. oust seeing her laugh and
be carefree brought me so much joy.
One day when I’m rich I want to take her to explore the world, we will start with Durban then Cape
Town, I also heard Mozambique is beautful from Mrs. Levine. I will take her all these places because she
deserves it and I want to give her the world if I could. Our shopping session really helped us, she no
longer avoids me or works more hours just to sneak in the apartment when she thinks I’m sleeping. She
stll hasn’t opened up about our past but maybe it’s best this way. The truth always comes out at its own
tme and I will not let my past hold me back from enjoying my present life. No more tears, just living and
just loving.

“Babe you have to choose the colors we will wear for our Matric Dance,” he’s been whining about this
for the past few days and I roll my eyes inwardly. If he wants the colors why doesn’t he choose them
himself? He is so excited about this Dance thingy but I’m just unmoved about the whole thing. I’m not a
crowd person, I do not fourish in crowded places. I’m more of a curl up in bed with a good read kind of
girl. If it weren't for Banzi, I wouldn't even be going to the bloody dance. But I didn’t have the heart to
let him know that I’m not excited about this as he is.

Ever since the party, he doesn’t hang out with his friends anymore, he only hangs out with me. We are
literally ted together at the hips like conjoined twins. Dr. Brown’s says we have aiachment or is it co-
dependency issues. She worries that we are too dependent on each other and that we won’t cope if we
were separated. We stll chat over the phone most days. I'm not complaining though because there is no
one I would rather be with by my side. We even study together at tmes at our apartment at tmes at his
house. Vuyo is our driver because he says its not safe for us to be driving alone at night with the high
hijacking statstcs.

One night when we were studying at my place, I took him out on the balcony and we watched night tme
ooburg. The lights and the buzz even at night was awe-inspiring. The cool night air brushed against my
cheek as I rested my elbows on the railing and he stood behind me with his arms wrapped around my
waist and hid chin restng lightly on top of my head. We didn’t exchange any communicaton just stood
there and watched the stars in the sky and the lights down below. I will never forget that moment it was
so… perfect. Then when I turned to leave, he cupped my face in his big hands and I tlted my face up in
antcipaton. The kiss was slow and oh so gentle. Like it was just us against the world there under the
stars. If you blocked out the car horns and blurring stereo in the Safari bar and wished it enough, we
could be back in Cape Town.

“Baby you doing it again!” I snap out of my thoughts and turn guilty eyes to Banzi. He hates it when I
zone out, such an aienton seeker. He and Khanyo are just the same.

I'm sorry, what were you saying, I sign tapping my chin to show I'm sorry.
He hufs then pouts, he's so cute when he’s sulking. I give him my most apologetc puppy eyes and he
relents.

“I was talking about our outits for Matric, mama has already found a designer. You just need to choose
the colors and the design.” One would swear we are getng married, I sigh then nod. He’s happy now.

“Great so we will pass by the designer afer school?” do I even have a choice? I smile and nod and he
kisses my forehead.

Oh yes, I did get my signing classes and they are slowly flling up. I think most girls just come to gawk at
Banzi but issokay I don’t have to compete with them for his aienton. Mostly I do the tutoring and he
helps. Nathi told me that she found a charity willing to pay for a qualifed teacher and provide snacks for
people as they come for classes. It also serves as a group therapy session where kids just talk of the
challenges they face at school and at home. Seems like bullying wasn’t just my problem, most sufer in
silence from bullying not just at school but at home as well. It’s sad but I can relate. In fact let me tell
you how the group sessions came about. I was telling them about how I was bullied for being mute and
that its difcult to communicate because most people don’t know sign language. One girl blurted out,

“I’m being bullied for being fat and this has caused me to start bufng my food as soon as I fnish
eatng.”

There was stunned silence then they began to share. Some are bullied for being too black, some for
being thin, some for being ugly and some for being preiy. And so our signing classes have also turned
into therapy sessions. I'm proud of my work of bringing these people together and making them see that
they are not the only ones sufering and that they don’t have to sufer in silence. So I get a few waves
now here and there and smiles. Allah thank you for giving me this opportunity.

It’s afer school and instead of studying some more, here we are at the designers shop in a cozy shop at
Melrose Arch. There are wedding gowns and evening gowns on display on the lithe manikins, the décor
in the shop is tasteful and expensive.

“Did he really drag You to go dress shopping?” It’s a text from Bongiwe. She went back to campus, she is
studying at UCT but we have been textng every day and she always makes me smile at her mean
memes, I mean her meme game is out of this worId. You could say your aunt died and she would have a
meme on standby.
“He did and I must choose the color and design. Eye roll.” I quickly text back and hide my phone before
Banzi complains that I’m not taking this whole thing seriously.

A very famboyant young man comes out to greet us giving both of us air kisses. His shiny neon shirt
reminds me of KK’s famous shirts and suits. But his Is tastefully tucked in very short shorts and he has
light green hair. It’s a lot for my eyes to take in but they adjust.

“You must be my 4 o'clock appointment. I’m Khanyi, let’s get to it shall we,” I like his precision, it means
we wont have to spend more tme here than necessary and he knows what he’s doing. I sneak a picture
of him while he’s looking the other side, to send to Bongiwe later.

There are pages and pages of designs in his portolio and I'm lef daunted by their beauty. I don’t know
what to choose so he takes my measurements frst, prodding and poking me. Ordering me to puf my
chest out, hold my breath in and to breathe out. It’s exhaustng really. Finally we are done and Banzi
who has been pouring through the designs all this tme has spoied one he likes and I agree with him its
spectacular. Khanyi insists that Red and black would look totes amazing on my skin tone and because I
want to go and study geometry, I don’t argue with him but just agree. Now we have to look for designs
for Banzi’s tuxedo. This is my version of hell, I tell you.

“Now it’s his turn to pick a tux,” I text Bongiwe.

“Be prepared to be there the whole day, the kid can never make up his mind.” I smile because she
knows him so well.

“Stop gossiping about me with Bongiwe and come see the design I like,” his voice sounds annoyed. How
did he even know? Let me focus all my aienton on my big baby before he throws a tantrum over a silly
tuxedo.

HAPPY WEEKEND�����

#Insert 46
I'm nervous, I don’t know why I'm nervous because I didn't want this in the frst place. It must be this
person invading my space as he ‘counters’ my face. I cant wait for the make-up to be done and I can
fnally breathe easier. Nathi is hovering like an anxious mother hen and she’s giving this guy hell.

“Don’t you think that’s a shade too dark? We want smoky eyes not gothic Promzilla,” she says pleatng
the space between her eyes, if Vuyo were here that guy would be dead.

I see him roll his eyes, I know he wants to tell her were to get of but the customer is always right so he
probably curses her in his mind but he wipes of the eye shadow none the less.

Life has been hectc, Banzi fnally decided on a tux and not on that day I last told you about. No afer 3
hours of pouring through the designs all he said was none of the tuxedos spoke to him. Maybe they are
mute like me and he wanted a sign, I don’t know or some tux language that only he can hear. He has
been dragging me there even for ftngs I think he enjoys torturing me. But his excitement is so
contagious, I fnd myself excited about the stupid dance as well. I’ve been keeping him busy in the books
department, tll he complains that I’m frying his brain.

Banzi is smart but lazy so I have to call his number at 3am to wake him up to study and when he picks
up I drop the call and call again afer 5 minutes because he would have gone back to sleep. This one
tme he put his phone on silent and I didn’t speak to him the whole day and refused to kiss him and I
sulked the whole week. Now he knows and at tmes when I call he would be already up.

“I'm done, what do you think?” I hear the nerves and fear in his voice, Nathi can be such a slave driver. I
see her looking at me from every angle tll I fnd myself holding my breathe with the stylist. Then tears
fll her eyes and we can breathe.

“Its perfect, you look so beautful baby girl,” her voice is whimsical and husky from the tears and I smile
at her. Nura is at work, I wish she was here but those bills and my fees wont pay themselves. I'm a big
girl and thank Allah for Nathi.

“Now lets get her in the dress pronto. Don’t crease it that material is delicate. Gentle, its been steamed
already!” and bossy Nathi is back.

I watch in amusement not daring to let my amusement show, I'm not even cracking a smile. When he
holds out the dress I feel my breath catching in my throat. Its so exquisite, with intrinsic beadwork of
tny diamonds around the bust. When they carefully put it over my head I love the feel and texture of
the material on me. Its sof and smells like a million dollars. The dress is snug on my bust with a Grecian
of-shoulder strap aiached to the bodice by those diamonds. It is fowy but it follows my body and
doesn’t have any extra material. And Banzi's favorite part of the dress is the slit. It comes up to my thigh
but its discreet, it only shows when I move.

The dress is a siren red and I'm pairing it with black red boiom oimmy Choo’s. Nathi is so proud of the
fact that she has taught me what a oimmy Choo is and to distnguish between Gucci and the Prada clutch
that I'm carrying. My ears are burdened by the drop blood diamonds dangling from my ear lobes. My
riotous curls have been ironed into submission into an elegant upbeat bun with a few tendrils
strategically lef hanging.

I feel a lump in my throat as I look at myself in the full length mirror. I look like a princess.

“Don’t cry now, you will ruin your make up,” easy for her to say she's letng her tears fow freely. She
gives me her famous hug. Holding me longer than usual and she doesn’t have to say a thing but I'm
wrapped around the cocoon of her love.

“There now, we don’t want to ruin the dress, lets go and knock the pants of those boys,” I grin widely
and link arms with her as we go downstairs. Banzi is waitng at the foot of the stairs and he looks plainly
delectable in an all black tux with a red bowte. The lapels of his jacket are a shinier black and his
muscles are tamed under the jacket and his clean cut is sexy. He dimples sweetly when I get to where he
is standing.

“You look like an angel baby,” and he knows how angels look like how? I only smile shyly, I'm stll getng
used to receiving compliments.

“Stand right there so that the photographer can take your pictures,” Vuyo and Nathi have gone all out
and I'm so grateful for them.

Khanyo runs down the stairs in black jeans and a black t-shirt with a tny cute red bowte and a red
jacket. He also wants to be in the pictures. My favorite picture is the one where my scarlet lips are
pressed against Khanyo's tny cheek. And Banzi posing all irritated though I'm not sure whether it was an
act or it was real. I was wearing the locket that Banzi gave me, its not like I ever take it of but stll.

Afer we have taken enough pictures to satsfy the Mrs. we head out in a rented limo and Banzi can't
take his eyes of me. Its beginning to creep me out.
“You look like a dream my Freckle-face.” I smile sweetly at him, at least he isn't complaining that my
freckles are hidden.

You look handsome. I love you, I sign at him and he rewards me by deepening his dimple. Oh bear, thank
Allah for panty-liners.

“We are ditching the afer party and having our own afer party,” I gaze wide-eyed at Banzi. I hope this
isn't what I'm thinking. I always see in the movies, the girl losing her virginity afer Prom and I'm not
ready yet.

“Relax, a few of my friends and us are going to party Kwa Leshaba in Orlando,” he must have seen the
panic in my eyes.

The dance is over, I had to make a speech with my trusted translator Banzi and then there were more
pictures taken and now all I want to do is kick these shoes away. Apparently afer the dance, one has to
change into an afer party outit, which I don’t have. I'm standing there all worried when I get a huge
hug from behind. I cant believe my eyes when I turn my head back, she's so sneaky!

“What? You didn’t think I would miss your dance now liile sis did you? Totally worth the torture by the
way you are fames sana.” Her voice is as fast as always.

How did you get here Bongiwe, what about school? I have to ask.

“Relax nerd. I took a fight out and I brought you this.” She hands me a carrier bag and when I look inside
there are skinny jeans and a crop top, even sneakers. I smile at her in wonder. “I kinda had a feeling that
you wouldn't be prepared.” She's simply the best, I kiss her cheek and rush to the ladies.

When I come back changed with the help of one of the girls who has been coming to my signing classes,
I fnd Banzi with a group of guys I don’t know and Bongiwe. He must have come back while I was
changing.

“You can't stay away from my girl Bongz, you are always textng and she will be smiling like crazy and
now here you are,” he complains. He is facing the other way so he doesn’t see me coming.
“That’s because she's actually a great person and you don’t deserve her you moron. But I don’t see her
like that, Farrah is a great listener and I would kill anyone who hurts her including you dickhead.”
Bongiwe retorts and the whole crew bursts into laughter. Seems like they all know each other well, all of
them.

I stand awkwardly next to Banzi and his whole face lights up when he sees me.

“Gents this is my Farrah,” he says his hand draped possessively around my waist. “And baby that’s
Hlomuka, he's at Wits now, we used to be in the same class and that’s Thabiso my best friend, he's at
UCT,” I smile and wave at them even though it stngs a liile that he said Thabiso was his best friend.
Don’t ask me why it stung.

“Hello my Farrah,” Thabiso says with a huge smirk and earns a smack from Banzi. They seem like decent
folk and we get into Thabiso's car and head out. I'm sitng at the back in between Banzi and Bongiwe
and my head is snuggled against Banzi's chest and I'm listening to his chest rumble as they talk about
their old school days.

I'm even dozing of when we get to the place and it's packed already. We don’t queue with the others,
we use another entrance apparently we are going to the VIP secton. It’s got a chilled vibe to it and we
are sitng on couches, I thought they would hustle me for my ID but they didn't. Banzi pulls me on top of
his lap and even as he talks to his friends he keeps drawing paierns on my belly.

Bongiwe disappears and comes back with drinks, mine is some red concocton with a liile umbrella on
the straw. It has a sweetsh taste but it isn't bad at all and they are all drinking from boiles except me.
The music changes to house music and Banzi keeps grinding on to me with his hard-on and I feel myself
getng wet. Our drinks are not even fnished when Thabiso goes to buy more and he comes back with
three girls who apparently forgot the rest of their clothes at home because they are literally in bras and
pantes.

Each girl partners with someone even Bongiwe has a girl she's straddling on her lap and making out
with. And it's steamy, it doesn’t help that Banzi has his hand inside my pantes and is rubbing my clitoris
tll I'm drenched and stcky. I need the ladies and Bongiwe is too occupied to take me so Banzi
accompanies me. I'm too aware of the looks he is airactng from the ladies but he stays frmly by my
side.

He even gets into the stall with me and the moment he closes the door he pins me to the wall and is
kissing me senseless. I wonder what was in those drinks because I am kissing him back shamelessly. I
want him so bad, this must be how feeling horny feels like. I'm shaking with need and he is kissing me
senseless, he pulls my leg and I'm half-straggling him as we stand and he is squeezing my bum as he
thrusts his tongue deeper in my mouth and I'm drowning in lust. And the next thing I know he has his
fnger deep in my coochie and I'm moving to his rhythm. Its fast and needy and I want more but preiy
soon I feel my body tautening like a coiled cobra and I let go to his groans and moans. He is breathing
heavily now and so am I.

“I want you so bad it hurts. But not here Macaanto and not like this.”

His voice is crusty and he is stll breathing heavily. He gives me one last kiss and goes out. I'm lef dazed
and disheveled. I fx myself as best as I can and follow him. I fnd him standing outside the restroom and
he doesn’t look like the guy who was breathing heavily next to me just now. Bongiwe snickers as we get
to the table and I turn a scarlet red while Banzi fips his middle fnger at her. There is Naija music playing
now and Banzi pulls me to the dance foor and in the anonymity of the darkness I follow him willingly. Its
tme to be young, dumb and wild.

#Insert 47

“ I've got the key to my castle in the air, but whether I can unlock the door remains to be seen."

Louisa May Alcoi, Liile Women

Do you know those days which tend to blur one into the next? That’s how the last couple of months
have been for me. One big blur of actvity. I would get so tred that the moment my head hit the pillows
it would immediately mean lights out for me. I'm deeply sorry that I haven't updated my journal in a
while. Not that anything eventul has happened since the night of the Matric Dance. The afer-party to
be more exact.

So there we were dancing the night away, me throwing down my ‘Shakira’ moves, when I got thirsty
then I had to go get my drink leaving Banzi on the dance foor. When I got to our seats I found Bongiwe
with her tongue deep in the throat of one of the scantly dressed girls. I told her I needed a drink and she
got up immediately leaving me with a peeved girl. I smiled at her and she glared back, oh well. Bongiwe
came back with the same poison I had been drinking all night and I downed it in two gulps.

“Whoa easy on the drink there I don’t want Banzi breathing down my neck,” Bongiwe tried to cauton
me.
I should have listened. But no not me, I asked for more and she came back with another glass. I took this
one with me to the dance foor. I was feeling light headed and some foreign feeling but I could stll see
clearly. Some guy tried hitng on me and I shook my head, he smiled his beautful smile and let me pass.
Then I got to the dance foor and could not believe my eyes. I actually blinked twice. Banzi was grinding
against this other girl and there before my very eyes she turned and gave him a kiss. He took a moment
before pushing her away from him and that was a moment too long for me. I don’t know what came
over me, I seriously don’t. Each tme I replay that scene in my mind there is no way where I come out of
it a winner.

I charged to where Banzi and the girl where and I deposited the contents of my glass on Banzi. I felt
some satsfacton of seeing the shock on his face which was quickly replaced by rage. It so happened
that the music came to a stop at that exact moment and Banzi’s explosive,

“What the fuck Fatma!!!” carried through the dance foor.

That burning jealousy again made me slap him, one hot clap which lef my fngers burning and twitching.
By then tears were flling my eyes and I turned back and ran, bumping into people who were swearing at
me but I didn’t care. I was blindly going through the crowd when I was pulled roughly to Banzi's chest.
The guy who hit on me was there in a second and a pissing contest ensued with Banzi telling the guy
exactly where to get of but the guy ignored him and asked me if I was fne. I nodded yes and then Banzi
just scooped me up and tossed me on his shoulder. The rocking moton made me nauseous and I tried
taping him to set me down but of course he didn’t listen and I puked all over his cute behind. I felt him
finch and heard him curse. But he didn’t put me down, he changed the way he was carrying me and I
found myself with my hands cradling his neck and my legs twined across his bui. I was feeling dizzy by
then and I was weak. I heard the rumbling of Banzi's chest as he berated Bongiwe.

“The fuck did you put in her drinks? I told you to get her virgin cocktails only!” I don’t remember
Bongiwe's response because I passed out.

I woke up the next day with the worst headache of my life. It felt link tny tn soldiers were matching my
head. My throat was perched and my lips dry and cracked. Asking myself where I was. Banzi came in
with a tray in nothing but his boy shorts. He wasn’t smiling.

“Good you are up, take these,” no ‘morning baby' not even a peck me on the forehead. I sighed and I
totally deserved the silent anger.
I took the pills and drank them down with the freshly squeezed orange juice and I felt a bit alive
aferwards. Then I looked up to Banzi's stormy eyes.

“You will never slap me again, are we clear?” I nodded grudgingly because he kind of deserved that slap.

“And you will never run away from me in a club full of strangers in the early hours of the morning
making me worried sick. Do I make myself clear?” I hung my head like a child being reprimanded by its
parent. I didn’t plan to make him worried just the sight of that girl's tongue in his mouth was enough to
make me shoot out of bed and go straight to the bathroom and hull some more vile vomit.

And why were you kissing that girl? I asked afer he helped me clean up.

“She kissed me and I pushed her away,” he said with so much self-righteousness.

Why were you grinding into her in the frst place? Would you have smiled if you found me grinding into
a guy like that and the guy kissing me?

You see when I'm angry I sign quickly and jerkily, all that tme I didn’t take my eyes of his face which
turned sour.

“I would kill anyone who touches you,” he said quietly.

Well I feel the same, I signed then folded my arms on my chest and he let out a slow breath.

“I'm sorry I was grinding into that girl and let her kiss me,” he sounded like he meant it.

I'm sorry that I poured my drink on you, slapped you then puked on you, I signed and then we hugged it
out.

Afer taking a shower I learnt that we were in Bongiwe's apartment lof. It was preiy though I didn’t
enjoy it that much because she wouldn’t stop tauntng me about vomitng all over Banzi's back. Even
today she calls me Chuck Norris.
So what has been happening since then? Well we wrote our fnal exams and they were difcult but we
were well prepared. We applied to study at UCT as our frst opton and Wits as our second opton, I'm
grateful for that bursary. And I've been looking for a holiday job which is hard because I'm mute, they all
say I'm preiy but it wouldn’t work because I have to communicate with the clients or customers. But
Nathi did hook me up with a part-tme gig with one of her former patents. I look through her papers
and accounts only twice a week and it’s a lot of work.

Nura spoke to her bosses and they are willing to let me start next Monday. Banzi doesn’t like the idea
but he doesn’t own me so he just has to deal with it. He wants us to spend all our tme together but not
all of us are trust fund babies. I’m old enough now to help pitch in with the bills and get money to buy
my college clothes. I cant abuse Nathi's generosity like that. Its December now and it’s the perfect tme
to make money from people's generosity during the festvites.

Banzi asked me what my plans for Christmas are and I had to explain to him that my faith does not
celebrate Christmas. Christmas is a Christan holiday that celebrates the birth of oesus Christ. The Qur’an
venerates both oesus and Virgin Mary by sharing their story of oesus’ miraculous birth, his special gif of
speaking from the cradle, and his ability to perform miracles with the help of God. Muslims believe that
his mother Mary is one of the greatest women to ever live, and a chapter of the Qur’an is devoted to
her. We believe oesus was sent as a beloved Prophet of God to deliver the word to the people of his
tme. However, it is not the practce of Muslims to celebrate the birth of their Prophets.

Nathi stll invited me and Nura for lunch regardless and Nura said we can go there's nothing wrong with
going and being with loved ones. Keeping tes and good relatons with kin is an important concept in
Islam and to my parent. We have our own holidays that we celebrate for instance we have two major
holiday celebratons a year called Eid, as well as the month of Ramadan, that come at diferent tmes of
the year based on the lunar calendar . Our holidays are flled with spending tme with loved ones,
charity, worship and other festve actvites. And I cant wait to introduce Banzi to Eid by giving gifs and
reading the Qur’an with him.

“I'm downstairs,” it’s a text from my Bear.

Because I've been working Vuyo was on his case about him going to work with him tll he curved in. The
plan is he goes to Vuyo's work place just shadowing diferent departments to get a feel of what he might
be interested in studying alongside music in Varsity. He started yesterday. This means we don’t spend as
much tme together as we used to and I miss him dearly.
Today is date night and we are going ice-skatng. I'm excited its another frst with my bear. I briefy look
at myself in the mirror and then pick up my purse and lock the apartment. I have to enjoy this because
startng next week I'm going to be working erratc hours.

I fnd him lounging on his car, lithely like a panther. He looks yummy in slim ft jeans, a light cashmere
sweater and scarf, he looks like a model for Vogue. Its kind of chilly because it was raining earlier. He
hugs me and I inhale his scent deeply. I don’t want to let go.

“I missed you more,” he whispers in my ear and I snif back tears.

This growing up business is not fun at all. Finally we break the hug and get in the car. He drives with his
one hand while the other keeps mine imprisoned. My heart is smiling because I'm next to my baby.

#Insert 48

“Idylan gaboobay!” I groan and pull my blankets even tghter over my face but Nura wont let me rest.
Wake up girl, really Nura I wish I could retort something smart right back at her. I've been working for
two weeks now and its safe to say I hate my job! The long hours and slaving away behind those gas
cookers is pure torture.

Of course I couldn’t be a cashier because I cant speak not that I don’t hear it everyday,

“Such a preiy face, she would have been a hit with the customers.”

“So she cant even uier a word? I always did say Nura is a witch.”

“Such beauty but not even a single word?”

I always grind my teeth when Nura's workmates make these kind of remarks. Ignore them, Nura will say
when I complain but its not easy having people talk about you to your face and you can't even respond.
And lately I've been feeling like someone is watching me or following me. You know that tngly feeling
on the nape of your neck? When your hair stands and goosebumps food your neck? I’ve been
experiencing that.
“Idylan gaboobay!!” (Wake up girl!!) Nura's voice is more insistent now and I groan before throwing my
blankets away. I sit up and scowl at her but she is smiling widely and she tckles me, I haven't seen Nura
this hyped about anything in like forever. She used to tckle me a lot when I was younger.

“Subax wanaagsan Macaanto!” (Good morning sweetheart!) Somebody shoot me now! What's good
about this morning? I am sleep deprived and dog tred, all I'm asking for is two more hours of sleep.

Bax! (Go away!) Idaa! (Leave me alone!) I sign angrily at Nura and she bursts into carefree girly giggles,
well someone is in a good mood and that someone isn’t me.

“Come on buierfy, you have to make Shepherd’s pie. Get up.”

She's already dragging me from the bed. I told her it isn't necessary to carry anything to Nathi's lunch
but Nura is adamant that going there empty handed is rude. Fine then, you make the bloody pie but no
let me torture my already bone weary daughter. Thanks a lot mom.

There's something defnitely going on with this one, she's been so chirpy lately. I bet you she found a
man. Weird right? I can't even imagine Nura getng her freak on that’s just plain gross. And that would
be just my luck, my mom getng more acton than me. This new job has me missing my bear so badly. I
haven't seen him in a week!. The frst week he would come and pick me from work and drive us home
then bring us back in the morning tll I told him to stop. He also had to go to work and it was taxing on
him. I text him whenever I can but it's not the same. He's been complaining and he said he will speak to
Vuyo to get me a summer job at his company. I don't want to get my hopes up but that would be ideal
as I would be closer to my bear.

Maybe Nura is right, I should make him my famous Shepherd's pie afer all he does love it. oust
imagining the look on his face when I give him the pie gives me enough energy to get out of bed.
Standing for 12 hours a day is no joke. My bones are croaking in protest but a soak in cold water makes
me feel a bit beier and I don’t feel like a zombie anymore.

There he is looking all dapper in black pants, black and red hoody and red Air oordan's. I want to fy
across the street and throw myself at him and kiss him all over his beautful face but of course I cant
with Nura besides me. We reach him and I shyly hand him the pie and he is beaming from ear to ear.
Allah I missed this smile and that dimple Laaawd give me strength, Banzi loves Madea. Him and Nura
share a hug and that warms my heart and then he hugs me tll Nura clears her throat and yet he stll
kisses me on the forehead. We get in and drive to his home. Nura is asking him about work and he
seems to be enjoying accountng more. I listen as the two most important people in my life chat and I'm
happy they are getng along.

“Remember your promise, the tme is near.” Nura says quietly in a voice not like her own and she seems
like she's in a trance.

I feel the tension seeping from Banzi's arms and I feel just as tense. We share a confused look and then
when we look at Nura she's smiling as if she didn’t just creep us out.

There is a hive of actvity in Nathi's house, it seems like everyone is here. Khanyo aiacks me with a hug
as soon as I get out of the car. Boy have I missed my second love. He rains kisses on my face making
those sweet sounds of his.

Banzi wouldn’t let me come with him to come and get you, he snitches on his brother with a look of
anger.

I smile and kiss him soothingly.

I have just put Khanyo down when a loud voice calls out “Chuck Norris!” and I'm engulfed in a huge
bear-hug. She's an idiot really but I missed her and afer releasing me she kisses me smack on the lips.

“Eeeeuw Bongz khawume tuu not on my lips!” Banzi is shoutng. Their drama never ends, I'm used to it.

“Hehake ngowethu sonke kaloku,” and when did I become a possession? To be fought over by these two
idiot cousins. Nura seems a bit overwhelmed and Nathi comes to her rescue.

“Lubanzi, Bongiwe don’t make me smack you cause I will. Hello Nura, don’t mind these two idiots I used
to drop them a lot on their heads when they were liile,” Nathi says all this as she hugs and whisks Nura
away.

Banzi and Bongiwe burst into laughter.

“The way mamma is so tny and she's always threatening to smack us. I mean look at us… ouch! What
was that for Tata?” I don't even know when Vuyo showed up.

“That’s for making fun of my wife boy,” he says as he adds another smack, Bongiwe is gufawing in
laughter while Banzi is scowling daggers at her. This madness I have missed, being around this madness
you cant help but smile.

Lunch is a lively afair. Both families are here in full force and the jokes are passed around at the others’
expense even Nura is made to feel at home. Banzi's step grandmother can't stop complimentng my pie
and makes me write down the recipe for her. His real grandmother looks sour but no one is paying her
any aienton.

“It's family portrait tme,” the elder Lunika announces in his deep rough voice while holding his toddler
son in his hands.

Everyone goes to the swimming pool area even I am dragged there. I have had a chance to meet
Bongiwe's parents. Her mother is as cold as a cod fsh, she was busy on her I-pad tll her father-in-law
reprimanded her and the husband is no beier he kept talking about all his mergers and trips abroad.
They never paid any aienton to Bongiwe it was as if she doesn't even exist. Nathi was the one asking
how her grades were and when she told her that she got 3 distnctons the cod fsh’s response was,

“With the amount of money I pay for tuiton you beier be getng more distnctons.” Banzi fushed and
would have jumped in but I held his hand and squeezed tll he calmed down.

Right now for the portrait she looks bored like she would rather be somewhere else. Banzi's arm is slung
around me as we smile for the camera. I've never been part of a large family and though the drama is an
all tme high and the bickering never stops but the love is just as much.

As the kids we have decided to sit out in the pool area while the adults are inside and Banzi won't let me
out of his sight. I'm not complaining his lap is way more comfortable than the pool chairs. Bongiwe is
keeping us entertained with stories from her school. I'm curious about varsity life and she makes it
sound like a lot of fun.

“So I've got a joint, anyone wants a drag?” I raise my hand at Bongiwe's queston and the look on
everyone’s face is comical.
“Bongz you are not giving my girl weed!” I roll my eyes at Banzi and he gives me a threatening look only
now I'm not scared of him anymore. He can act tough all he wants but he's a gooey mess with me. I'm
his Achilles’ heel, his weakness.

“Loosen up grandpa!” one of his other cousins, Vuyile is it, says and everyone laughs at Banzi. He pouts
and I kiss him chastely on his pouted lips.

“Fine just one drag and that’s it,” you see what I meant? I reward him with a smile and Bongiwe lights up
the joint. I take it into my hands and put it on my lips. I'm not sure how to do this but I drag deeply and I
immediately spluier as the smoke flls my lungs and nose. I cough tll my eyes smaier and they laugh at
me. Banzi has this I told you so look on his face and all I can do is shrug my shoulders. I don't think I want
to do that again and Banzi doesn’t even look tempted to take a drag and that’s a good thing. I kiss him
and he groans.

“You taste like weed,” he whispers in my ear and I grin at him.

“I've missed you, let's sneak into my bedroom.” I love that idea, he's been grinding into me and I need
him to take care of my ache. Bongiwe hoots as we get up but we ignore her and sneak past the elders as
we go upstairs. I have missed my bear and its tme to give him some loving. Laters baby.

#Insert 49

“Sometmes there is no next tme, no tmeouts and no second chances. Sometmes it's now or never.”
Unknown

I stretch myself as I wake up expectng some drum roll, the sun to be dancing, or a sudden shower of
rain, any sign to show that it's my birthday. But of course nothing happened just a card from Nura saying
Happy Birthday and her reminding me to check my results also on the same card. I groan and stretch
myself once more and grope for my phone underneath my pillow. There's a dozen of messages from
Nathi, Khanyo and Bongiwe of birthday wishes with varying sentments. Nathi's message is sweet and
motherly while Khanyo's is just sweet and short. Well Bongiwe's message is just plain ratchet I blushed
reading it.
She makes fun of my blushing like on Christmas when we came downstairs afer Banzi gave me a mind
boggling orgasm that had me curling my toes and rolling my head from side to side. oust remembering
the things his tongue did to me makes me hot and fushed now. Luckily we didn’t bump into any adult
well Nura in partcular.

This is it, I'm 18 years old now but I don't feel any diferent. Same me in a diferent day. I'm not sure how
I feel just yet maybe I'm waitng for that aha moment or some revelaton, I don’t know. Aren't I
supposed to feel hyped about turning 18? Sigh. Guess I'm not your typical teen. Banzi hasn't wished me
a happy birthday yet kinda hoped he would be the frst. That partly explains my grouchy mood. Let me
get up before I sink deeper into gloom. And I'm also nervous about getng my Matric results.

I drag my body to the bathroom and start brushing my teeth. Afer spitng out and rinsing my mouth, I
stare at my refecton in the mirror. How far I've come in the last year, yes I'm exactly who I want to be. I
am no longer easily phased by what people do to me. I carry less and less hate each day and I'm proud
of myself, my accomplishments. And I'm grateful for the people in my life, the most caring and acceptng
people who have made me blossom into this self-assured young lady.

I'm done when I get a text from Banzi statng that he's downstairs I roll my eyes and get my purse as I
leave. Today I fnd him inside his car. So not only did he forget my birthday but he also won't open the
door for me, just perfect. As soon as I get in and put on my seat belt, he drives of without saying a word
he seems testy so I leave him be. It's probably nerves from the results. I decide to ignore his grouchy
mood and randomly picked a song. Tatana Manaois, never heard of her before but the ttle Like you is
catchy so I put the song on. The beginning is slow yet her voice is chirpy and I am loving the lyrics
especially as the song picks up I'm swaying to the song, just the right pick up I needed. Banzi gives me a
side eye but I ignore him and snap my fngers to the song. These lyrics here touched my core.

“People will fnd you, but they don't defne you

And you will fnd people, who help redesign you

People will fnd you, but they don't defne you

And you will fnd people, who help redesign you

You are a work of art

Bet you didn't think you'd come this far

Now, here you are

Baby, you are strong

You are wise

You are worth beyond a thousand reasons why

And you can't be perfect, baby

'Cause nobody's perfect, darling

But no, no, no, no, there's nobody in the world

Like you”

I catch Banzi's reluctant smile and I smile back at him and he holds my hand afer putng the song on
repeat. I slightly lean in on him and all is right in our world again. Nerves are forgoien for the moment
as we are lost in the uplifing song.

Banzi is pouring over the results as I wait for him twistng and wringing my hands tll they are painful.
What's taking him so long? Then he turns to me with this blank expression on his face and my heart
sinks. He quietly hands me the paper, why doesn’t he just tell me already? I say a quick prayer to Allah
then I begin my own search. His name is frst because it begins with L, he has four distnctons including
math and accountng and the rest are Bs. I'm super proud of him but now I'm scared because this might
mean that I failed. I contnue scrolling tll I get to my name and my heart stops. I cant believe my eyes.
Your girl got straight distnctons! In all my subjects and I'm fnding it hard to breath. I look at Banzi and
he's beaming from ear to ear. He scoops me into his arms and twirls me around not minding the stares
we are getng from people.

“You…are…so…brilliant…baby!” each word is punctuated by a smooch and I'm lef breathless. This
means we are going to UCT! I'm so happy and so excited, thank you Allah. His phone rings and he
chuckles as he looks at the caller ID and puts the call on loud speaker.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeee!” Nathi's scream or screech is deafening and she sounds

like she's jumping up and down while Vuyo is chuckling beside her and Khanyo is making unintelligible
sounds in the background.

“You did it babies I'm so proud of you both!” her voice is breathless like she has been running a 10k
marathon and I'm grinning nonstop.
“What your mother means is we are both very proud of you two,” Vuyo cuts in and Banzi thanks them
both and ends the call. His phone rings again instantly, this tme it's Bongiwe.

“Kid you got your arse whooped by a girl bruh!” then that laugh of hers again but Banzi just laughs with
her.

“I stll got more distnctons than you ugly face,” he shoots back at her.

“Yeah yeah and you are the male version of me brat,” their banter goes on and on tll we are driving
away to Melrose Arch.

We go for lunch at Tasha’s a posh establishment and most of the clientele is white. It would have been
perfect if Banzi had not been on his phone the entre tme. He has been like this for the past two weeks.
What if he has found someone who doesn’t come with as much baggage as me? oust the thought brings
tears to my eyes and I try squashing them but one of the Bloody tears escapes down my chin. I feel
Banzi's hand lifing up my chin. He looks panicked.

“Hey baby what's wrong? Why the tears?” his voice causes a few more drops to follow and I wipe them
furiously. I debate with myself whether to ask him or lie. I might as well get it out there.

Have you met someone else? Each twist and turn of my hand is deliberate.

His eyes pop out, is that guilt or just surprise? He quickly recovers and tries to reassure me.

“Babe my heart only beats for you,” I want to believe him so bad that I end up nodding in agreement. He
puts his phone away and starts focusing on me. Asking about what I planned on studying.

I want to study law, I sign tmidly holding my breath for his reacton. He looks so proud.

“What kind of lawyer do you want to be Macaanto ?” I was expectng ridicule but he sounds genuinely
interested.

I shrug my shoulders, I honestly haven't thought that far.

“You can be an advocate for people with disabilites or physical impairments or since you are good at
Math you can be a corporate lawyer or a tax lawyer,” my head is spinning with the possibilites and I fnd
myself getng excited for the second tme today.

And you what do you want to study? I ask him

“Accountng as a major and music as well,” his whole face brightens as he tells me of his plans and I fall
deeper in love with him, drawn by his animaton. Our plates have long been cleared and we are now on
our second milkshakes and I don’t want this day to end. An sms comes through in his phone and he
checks it casually then says we have to go. I'm disappointed I was so enjoying our talk, I pout and he
chuckles before leaning over the table and giving me a chaste kiss.

“We will go on plenty more dates babe I promise.” His voice is loaded with promise and I can only smile
at him and follow him to his car. We take a diferent route and head heaven knows where and I end up
sleeping in the car. I'm woken up by Banzi's kisses all over my face.

“Wake up sleeping beauty,” I gaze around where we are and I'm lost.

Where are we? I ask surprised.

“Centurion.” He doesn’t elaborate further as if I should automatcally know where that is. It's chilled
place but it looks deserted though. Why did he bring me to a deserted place? oust as we turned inside
the pool area my heart almost stopped when everyone screamed “Surprise!!!”

#Insert 50

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas 18SLN❤

I turn to Banzi and a grin is splitng his face into two, the sneaky bear. He engulfs me in a bear hug and
whispers
“Happy Birthday Freckle-face,” I bury my face on his neck and cling to him tll Bongiwe comes and tears
us apart.

“Come on you two we didn't come all this way to see you make out. Farrah come,” I can only smile
weakly at Banzi over her shoulder as she drags me to everyone. I'm passed around and hugged, kissed a
lot by Nura, Nathi and Khanyo and that’s when I notce the décor, it's so preiy with buierfies and large
infated balloons and chairs around the pool. Everyone is in swimwear except me and Banzi. Bongiwe
drags me to the changing room and takes out a skimpy bikini with buierfy wings and a transparent
sarong. I give her a doleful look, there is no way I'm wearing that. She doesn’t budge.

“Chop-chop honey we have a party to go to,” she says folding her arms. I roll my eyes and change into
the bikini and te the sarong frmly on my waist.

“Hayi, you are hurtng yourself,” Bongiwe fusses as she loosely tes the sarong just below my pelvic
girdle. Then she's leading me back to the pool. Banzi has also changed into swimming trunks and he
looks helleluva fne with them hanging low on his hips.

He hasn’t stopped staring at me ever since I came back, I even feel self-conscious now. There are pool
actvites and everyone is having fun. My favorite is when the water guns were brought out and I caught
Banzi unaware and shot him square on the face. Khanyo squealed happily and also shot him on the
stomach. Banzi growled and unceremoniously scooped me up and ran with me on his shoulder and
jumped into the water. The impact of the water was hard and my cute wings didn’t survive.

Nathi pulled me over to the side and I just knew we were going to have a gossip session.

“Banzi did all this from his savings and salary from his holiday job. I'm so happy you are in his life, you
totally changed him. All he used to care about was himself, even Vuyo is impressed but of course he
won't say it. He's jealous because on my frst birthday when we were together he only got me a teddy
bear and chocolates. His son has more game than him.” She says all this in a stage whisper and I cant
help but smile.

My bear did go all out, he even bought cake with my name and picture on it. It is huge and cute, I'm
staring at it when he comes behind me and wraps his arms around me.
“Do you like it?” I turn my head and look up to him and I let my eyes show him just how much I love
everything he has done for me. He kisses me on my forehead then he has this look that says I'm about to
say something stupid.

“So this is the other person that I have found,” I elbow him and he laughs as he brings me even closer to
him.

I have received a lot of gifs, an anklet bracelet from Banzi and the charms have tny pictures of us in
them. I immediately put it on and he also got me perfume, the expensive looking one and a watch. Nura
got me the most exquisite sari and I love it. Nathi and Vuyo got me a laptop, this will come in handy
when I'm in college. Khanyo got me his favorite candy and fowers which looked like they had been
plucked from Nathi's garden because they stll had roots aiached to them. Bongiwe got me an I-phone
and I didn’t want to take it but she assured me not to think too much about it, her dad did business with
the Apple company.

We chilled and had food and fun tll it was tme to go back home. Nura pulled me aside and gave me a
huge hug.

“I hope I won't regret this but you can go and sleepover at Nathi's place and have some fun Macaanto, I
will see you tomorrow. Wax kasta adigaan kaa jeclahay (I love you more than anything.)” That got me a
bit emotonal and she hugged me and kissed me on the lips telling me how proud she is of me.

I drive back with Banzi but he stops at Gold Reef city just so that we could ride the Anaconda again. Even
though its late and they are about to close. It's as exhilaratng as it was the frst tme and all the tme I
am holding on to his hand as if I'm about to lose him. He gets the pictures again this tme and tells me
there is tme for one more ride and this tme it's on tny boats that twirls around the pond and I enjoy it
too. I can honestly say this has been the best birthday I have ever had.

We go and park just close to his home and just chilled on the bonnet of his car. It's like we both want to
prolong this day and make sure it never ends.

Thank you, I sign and he looks down at me his face illuminated by the moonlight.

I want to etch this memory deep in my memory, he's so handsome. My bear. I remember how scared of
him I used to be but now I just want to be around him all the tme. I stand on tptoe and bring his lips
down to mine. The frst brush on his lips is airy and I feel him shiver then I go on total aiack mode, full
tongue acton and I suck the life out of his full lips. By the tme I let him go, we are both breathing
heavily and somehow my legs are now wrapped around his waist and his hands are cupping my arse. I
decide to give my self one more birthday present.

Afer he has calmed down, he drives us home and we fnd the parents on their way out, they never miss
date night. Bongiwe is playing PlayStaton with Khanyo and they pay us no heed as we go upstairs the
moment we hear the car going out of the driveway.

The moment the door closes and he locks it Banzi lifs me up and I wrap my legs around him as he
smashes his lips on mine. The kiss is sensuous and heated and I feel my blood boiling. He thoroughly
kisses me leaving my lips bruised and his swollen. He's moving with me stll in his arms and stll kissing
me tll he places me on the bed and without breaking of the kiss he comes in between my legs and is
kneading my boobs. I want to feel him, all of him so I break of the kiss and he looks at me with the
tniest eyes and he looks so hot and bothered. I roughly take of his t-shirt and shorts along with his
boxers. He looks surprised but he quickly recovers and returns the stripping favor and both of us are
now in our naked glory. Lust is printed on both our faces and we resume our kissing. It feels more
intmate, more raw and I cant seem to be able to keep stll. My hands are running all over his beautful
torso and when they lower to his crotch he groans into my lips.

“Baby stop, I wont be able to control myself,” he sounds tortured and that makes me want him even
more.

I don't want you to stop, I sign looking him dead in the eye.

His eyes widen as he realizes the implicaton of my words.

“Are you sure about this babe?” I nod my head stll not breaking eye contact. “Because you don’t have
to do this as much as I want you, I can…” the only way I can shut him up is by kissing him deeply. He
stops me and gently pushes me down the bed and just stares at me tll I try to cover my breasts. He
holds my hands.

“Let me see you beautful,” the way he say it makes my heart fuier and I'm instantly a wet mess. He
starts kissing my toes and there's something hot about the way he sucks my big toe and lightly bites it by
the tme he gets to the next toe I am shivering. The anklet makes a tnkling sound as my legs shake
slightly. I want him to hurry and take care of my ache but he wants to take his sweet tme. He rains
kisses up my legs, hot wet kisses that burn my coochie. I feel like begging him but I fnd my nails digging
into his shoulder blades. He opens my legs wide and his breath catches in his throat as he admires me.
The searing look in his eyes is enough to make me come.
I feel my body being worshipped and its driving me crazy. He blows air into my coochie and I'm moving
thrashing around and he holds me steady with his strong hands. He licks the top part of my lady part and
I shiver, he bites my inner thigh and I slightly jump at the intense feeling that courses through me and
when he repeats it on the other thigh I want to scream out my pleasure but my toes curl instead. One
hand lets me go and he dips his fnger inside me and he moans sofly.

“Baby you so wet. So freaking hot,” just as I'm grinding into his fnger he takes it out and penetrates me
with his tongue and in my mind I burst into tongues. He holds me stll as he fucks the daylights out of me
with his tongue. I'm a shivering mess and I keep pushing his head deeper into my honey pot. He grazes
my clitoris with his teeth and the orgasm is instant and so intense I black out for a second. When I come
to he’s sucking me dry. Only the sight of his head between my legs makes me wet again.

He comes up and kisses me with my wetness lingering in his mouth and I swoon. I feel him on my
stomach and he is stf against me. Afer the deep wet kiss, he holds his monster and today it seems
larger than usual. I swallow some saliva at the sight of him and tentatvely touch him and he groans like
he is in a lot of pain. I stroke him and he stops me at the third stroke.

“I want to bury myself in you now baby,” his hoarse whisper sends chills throughout my body. He
nudges the tp of his penis on my entrance and I'm wet for him and he groans.

“Tell me if the pain is too much baby, ok?” he's looking into my eyes and I nod. He nudges himself in, I
automatcally tense and he pleads with me to relax. His kiss mollifes my body somewhat and I relax and
just as I'm feeling the kiss he pushes past my barrier and the sharp pain is excruciatng. I look at him with
tears stnging my eyes and he even has sweat on his top lip.

“Almost there baby, I need you to be strong for me ok? I love you Farrah,” I concentrate on his eyes as
he thrusts deeper and all of him is now inside me. The pain is intense but his eyes are giving me strength
and he is just inside me not moving and he wipes the wayward tears from my cheeks.

“You are so tght, so beautful baby thank you,” he kisses me and as I kiss him back he starts moving. My
back hurts a bit and I'm sore but his slow rhythm is slowly lulling my body into forgetng about the pain
and I'm thrustng upwards and that causes him to groan loudly and he's saying things I don’t understand
in Xhosa. Now he thrusts deeper strokes and he flls all of me.
“Yes baby, more baby. God Farrah you are so tght I cant hold it anymore, I'm coming baby, come with
me,” his voice is vibratng deep within his chest and when he thrusts again embedding all of his shaf in
me I feel my momentum building up as well and I'm scratching his back as I pull him even closer to me
and he screams once then he is rigid inside me and that tps me over the edge and we are clinging onto
each other as wave afer wave of pleasure courses through my body. Are those tears in his eyes?

Afer a while he collapses next to me and I wince as he takes himself out of me. I notce the blood on the
sheets and I know that my innocence is gone. He gets up afer kissing me deeply and heads to the
bathroom. My body feels sore especially my groin area. Best birthday present I could have given myself.
He comes back and scoops me up kissing me all over my face.

“Thank you baby for this gif, I will forever cherish you.” I feel hot fushes all over my body. He carries
me to the bath tub where he lowers me into the water and gets in behind me, cradling me close to him.
I'm glad he is my frst, my very own grizzly bear. I snuggle closer to him as the water sofens my tense
muscles.

#Insert 51

“Whatever happens to this beautful story of you and I, babe, I hope you know that there wasn't a single
day I didn’t choose you. There was never one minute when you were a second choice or second place.
No… never. I will love you tll the end of tme, in this life, the next life, any life. It is you. It has always
been you. And one day, it will be you and me together, dancing along to perfect tming, and toastng to
forever.” Stephanie Bennei-Henry

Wet kisses all over my face pull me out of the deepest sleep of my life. I lazily open one eye and I'm met
by Banzi's wide smile.

“Morning beautful,” his morning voice is hella sexy and before I can even respond, he buries his tongue
inside me. What a way to be woken up!

My sleepiness is erased by waves of pleasure ricochetng through my body, oh bear. Only when I climb
down from the abyss of pleasure does he let me go and comes up to cuddle me from behind. I feel him
poking me. I grind my bui into him and he groans like a wounded animal.
“No baby, you are stll sore,” I feel disappointment swamp me and its unexplainable. I am sore but I also
want him.

“Do you regret last night?” he tries to sound fippant but his voice betrays him muffled as it sounds from
my hair.

I turn and look him in the eye as I shake my head no. Given a chance I would do it all over again a
thousand tmes. It felt so right and I can never regret connectng our souls in a dance as old as tme. He
hugs me close to his heart and his heartbeat sounds like home. His lips brush my hair and I feel loved
and shielded. He lets me go and I feel empty.

“Let's go and get you cleaned up,” he says scooping me up in his steady arms.

I can walk you know, I sign to him as I roll my eyes. He chuckles as he kisses me on top of my nose.

“I know baby but let me pamper you, you deserve the world but all I can ofer you for now is my heart
and my arms,” well if I knew giving him my coochie would make him so chivalrous I would have given it
to him ages ago.

If I had his voice I would keep repeatng the chorus of Hailee Steinfeld’s Starving on the top of my voice,

“I didn't know that I was starving 'tl I tasted you

Don't need no buierfies when you give me the whole damn zoo

By the way, right away you do things to my body

I didn't know that I was starving 'tl I tasted you

I didn't know that I... I didn't know that I... 'tl I tasted you

I didn't know that I... I didn't know that I... 'tl I tasted you

By the way, right away you do things to my body

I didn't know that I was starving 'tl I tasted you”

I feel like I can conquer the world. And my bear deposits me in the shower stall this tme around. He
pours a generous amount of masculine smelling shower gel on his palm and starts kneading it on my
shoulders massaging me thoroughly. I lean into him as his gifed hands work their magic, by the tme he
reaches my buiocks I'm a tngling mess and my nipples are strained and sensitve. Afer massaging me
up to my toes he squats in front of me and palms my nookie like its some delicacy and the way he
massages my folds is driving me insane. When I'm about to come he stops and with a smirk he rinses me
of. I'm lef with a dull ache in the pit of my womanhood.

Well two can play at this game. I take the shower gel and mirror his actons only he is moaning and
whimpering by the tme I get to his genitals. His dick is out in all it's glory, veins popping and it's head is
slightly twitching. I hold it gently with both my hands making them travel up and down its length. I
increase the pressure and I hear him curse and beg. This only makes my ache worse but I contnue
torturing his lust. I quicken my hand movement and he jerks his way and that way. When I'm sure he is
about to burst, I open the water on him and he lets out a string of expletves. I smile maliciously, mission
complete. But before I know it, I am hanging above his head on the bathroom wall and he is mufng the
naughtness out of me and I'm pushing my pelvis into his face. The orgasm is as explosive as my frst one
and I see stars.

He gets up while stll holding me and we are almost eye to eye. His eyes hold a queston and I nod, I
need this as much as he does. He directs his member into my fold and hisses as he pushes into me.

“You're so sleek and wet baby yet you are so tght,” the hoarse tmbre of his voice sends chills down my
spine making me crave him even more.

I'm stll stf but all that is forgoien when he starts thrustng slowly and deliberately into me. With each
ram he inches more of him inside me tll he feels me up to the hilt and by then I feel sorry for his back
because my nails keep digging into it. My breathing is ragged and so is his. His groans and moans are
doing the most, he is making me feel so good. I feel like experimentng so I dilute my hips and arch my
back as I meet his deep thrusts with tny thrusts of my own.

“Fuck Farrah, yes baby give it to me like that. More baby.” He sounds like a man almost at the edge and
that boosts my ego to no end.

His thrusts are becoming more fervent and that pushes me to my shivering edge and I tghten my
vaginal muscles and my legs around him.

“Yes baby come for me I want to see you,” Allah what is this boy doing to me, I unravel into a spineless
and breathless mess in his arms and yet he is stll pounding into me.
“I'm going to go in real deep and real fast, I need you to relax for me babe ok?” at this point I would do
anything he says and I don't have the strength to even nod so I let him be. If he weren't holding me so
frmly in place I would have disintegrated into a poodle on the wet bathroom foor.

True to his word he is thrustng deeper and faster into me and I feel my body coil and tghten. This can't
be normal, I just went over the edge moments ago and I fear that the next orgasm will paralyze me. But
my body has a mind of its own and the faster he pounds, the higher I get so that when he curses and
turns rigid before he shoots into me, my body is also coming undone at the seams. We stay in our abyss
for what seems forever tll he gingerly lowers me down with him stll inside me. I just love how
intertwined we are. He scrubs both of us quickly this tme and dries us, I don’t have any strength lef in
me and this tme I don’t complain when he carries me to the bedroom.

I wake up later and my coochie feels like its on fre and I'm really waddling like a duck as I go to the
toilet. When I come back Banzi comes in with a tray. He winces when he sees the way I'm walking.

“I'm sorry Freckle-face, I shouldn’t have taken you again so soon,” I don't blame him I wanted this as
much as he did and if it means I can't feel my legs as penance well so be it. I take the food from him and
eat, I'm starving.

“Mom wants to see you, can you walk or should I carry you downstairs?” I almost choke on my juice. It's
tme to face the world and I'm not ready but I don’t have a choice.

Its fne I will walk, I sign to him and he kisses me on my lips sofly.

He carries the tray as he walks in front of me, I should have let him carry me I'm sure my walk will give
me away. Nathi looks up with a smirk when she sees me coming down the stairs but quickly schools her
expression into one of concern.

“Baby girl are you feeling well?” Banzi smirks at Nathi's queston and I smack his arse and he rushes
away to the kitchen.

I'm fne, I sign as I try to lower myself to the couch as elegantly as I can.
“Did you use protecton?” Nathi blurts out sofly so that only I can hear her queston and I blanche into a
pale white color. She smiles at me reassuringly, “It's ok baby, go get dressed and we go to the pharmacy
to get you some pills and I will also make an appointment with my gynae, we need to get you on birth
control. We cant have history repeat itself.” I love that there is no judgment in her voice, I hug her
briefy and make my way upstairs, I hear her muffled laugh and I wonder if my walk is really that bad.

#Insert 52

I'm changing into my high-waist skirt and crop top when Banzi comes budging into the room. He looks
at me for the longest tme before hugging me from behind.

“I don't want you to leave,” his voice is whiny and pleading. I seile into his embrace briefy before
breaking free.

I need to go since you didn’t think to use condoms, I sign and regret aferwards maybe that came out
wrong I was as much to blame as him. He sighs and holds my hands looking into my eyes.

“I know I was careless babe I'm sorry. Mama already gave me an earful about being irresponsible with
your health and your dreams. But I swear you are the only girl I have ever slept with without protecton.
And I'm clean we did our health check ups for the rugby team last month but we will also go and get
tested together. It's just that yesterday you caught me of-guard I really wasn't expectng your gif. Not
that I didn’t appreciate it, it was the best baby, you are the best. I should shut up now right?” I nod my
head trying to suppress my mirth.

See the thing with my bear whenever he gets nervous or anxious he talks a lot and he doesn't even stop
to catch a breath. He pulls me into his arms and I go into his arms willingly and snuggle up to him, laying
my head on his chest. He is caressing my hair and playing with my ear.

“I love you Fatma Farrah Omar. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you, you get me and I
know you got my back always. I'm going to try to be the man you deserve and I promise you one day you
will be my wife, you are already my best friend.” His words make me so emotonal and tears well up in
my eyes and I fght them back and hold him tghtly.

We stay that way tll Nathi bangs on the door.

“Come on princess, we have to get going,” she shouts from the other side of the door.
I try breaking of the hug but Banzi tghtens his embrace, he really doesn't want to let me go. I stand on
tptoe and brush his lips with mine. He groans before he cups my face and gives me a full deep kiss. The
he kisses my forehead.

“Come back to me, ok?” Now he was actng like Khanyo with his sad puppy eyes. We are only going to
the pharmacy not to Mars. I give him my sweetest smile then let myself out and make my way
downstairs. I'm less stf now thank Allah because Vuyo is now downstairs though he's too busy
smooching his wife to notce my awkward walk.

“Hurry up and come back muntuza,” he is whining as well. What is it with these Lunika men.

“Hayi Vuyo man, we talked about this. I'm tred,” Nathi frmly pushes him of her and he spanks her bui
while she squeals. These two are just adorable. I wonder if Banzi and I will be as cute and in love at their
age.

“Bhut behave!” they stll haven't notced my quiet self standing here.

“One last kiss ke,” it's a good thing I can't burst into laughter because I would have by now, a grown man
actng like a baby.

“Ha-ah Vuyo,” there isn't convicton in Nathi's denial.

“So you don’t love me any more mamakhe?” the whiny voice reminds me of Banzi and that brings a
smile to my face.

“Yes you are old kaloku I can't be kissing your old face,” she teases him and runs as Vuyo chases her the
opposite directon.

“Stop subjectng my girlfriend to your old people horrors,” Banzi shouts behind me startling me. But
Vuyo just scoops Nathi up and twirls her around while she laughs and punches his chest.
“Buy your own house where I won't subject your girlfriend to anything,” Vuyo retorts afer putng Nathi
down. He hugs me briefy then they contnue to bicker with his son while me and Nathi escape to the
garage.

Where is Khanyo and Bongiwe, I ask.

“Those two spent almost the whole night playing that ghastly game, they are stll sleeping,” Nathi says
as she unlocks the car doors.

Oh well I will see them when we come back, we get in the car and fasten our seat belts. Nathi puts on
Foreigner- I want to know what love is. It's soulful and old school.

“You know I lost my virginity to this song,” her voice is wistul and I stare at her in shock. Oh hell no, it's
too soon to be sharing my moment with her. I know she means well but I just want to hold onto
yesterday a liile while longer.

“And we conceived Banzi that night, I was in Matric I snuck out and spent the weekend at Vuyo’s place.
My parents came budging in afer two nights causing so much drama and I got the beatng of my life but
somehow my baby survived all that. He's my liile fghter and he doesn’t even know it.” Nathi's life
sounds like it had the toughest beginning maybe that’s why she is so kind and humble.

We reach the pharmacy and fortunately she's the one buying the pill and flling in the forms at DisChem
while I browse through their aisles. I get a call from Nura and I frown as I check the caller ID, Nura never
calls she usually texts. I pick up the call and she says in a raspy voice,

“Come home Fatma, now!” and just like that the line goes dead.

I feel chills throughout my body. There can be only one explanaton, she knows! I break into a cold sweat
Nura is so going to kill me. I am pacing distractedly when Nathi fnishes her purchase and comes to me.

“Here you go…hey baby what's wrong?” the space between her eyes is instantly pleated with worry.

I have to go home, Nura called she wants me home now, I sign hurriedly I'm panicking here.
“Calm down, there's probably some emergency. I will take you home, we will go to the gynae some
other day ok?” I nod and take the pill from her and drink it quickly then we rush to her car. She drives
me home and she wants to go with me upstairs but I assure her that its fne I will go on my own and I
will text her later. We hug and kiss then I leave the car.

I am nervous not knowing what to expect and dreading another slap. Nura's hand is wicked and she
sounded testy on the phone. Sbula is by the door and I smile weakly at him as I contnue my walk of
shame. My footsteps are heavy but I reach our apartment nonetheless and I'm greeted by havoc.
Clothes on the bed and our suitcases. And Nura is packing haphazardly.

“Don't just stand there Fatma, come help me pack!” she snaps and I jump at the tone of her voice but I
don’t budge.

Why are we packing? Where are we going? I ask her

“We don’t have tme for questons baby help me pack. We have to leave, now!” she has a crazy frenzied
look in her eyes which is scaring me.

I'm not leaving Nura I cant leave Banzi, I'm pleading with her now.

“Fatma if you don’t start packing now, we will both die!” the fear in her voice is palatable and I taste it
in my own mouth.

I stop asking and start stufng clothes into the open suitcases. We work in desperate silence and I see
Nura wiping away tears with the back of her hand. What is happening? I feel like my life has turned into
a very bad horror movie. We are almost fnished when there is commoton in the passage and Nura
freezes next to me. Then she shoves me behind her as the door is kicked in of it's hinges. I almost pee
on myself as huge scary men with strange markings on their faces come badging into our apartment. Its
like I have been transported to one of my nightmares and its too much for my stomach to handle and I
vomit there on the foor.

They are mean looking, some have their faces covered in black scarves but even their eyes are cold. The
only two whose faces aren't covered have markings on their faces which look like they were curved with
knives and the dark skin has congested into weird artfacts on their faces. There are six of them in total
and they are all tall.
“We meet again Safya,” one of the men with an uncovered face speaks in Somali but his accent isn't
Somali, it's a heavy Hausa accent. Who is Safya? And this man looks like the leader because they are all
deferring to him.

“Darul Akeem you can take me but please let her go, she knows nothing of this,” Nura's voice is pleading
and the man lets out a hard mirthless laugh. And his stogies laugh with him and when he stops so do
they. I am lost and shit scared. I wish my bear were here but I also have a sinking feeling in the pit of my
stomach that I will never see him again.

“Abu Bakr al- Baghdadi will be so pleased with me, I have found his most prized possession, don’t worry
Safya no harm will come to her but it's you who must plead for your life. Take them!” My Somali isn't
as polished especially under strain but that is what I pieced from his speech.

I wonder who Abu Bakr al- Baghdadi is. But I don’t wonder to longer as one of the men tries to lif me.
My self-defense classes kick in and I aim my knee cap for his groin and he curses before he brings the
bui of his gun cracking on my skull. I hear the leader beratng him as I sink into unconsciousness and
Nura's cries fade in my oblivion.

#Insert 53

“Don't let this world make you biier. Don’t let the actons of other people turn you cold on the inside.
Certain things happen that hurt us, people come that leave us, and most of all there are moments where
you are bound to fall. Don’t let those things make you unkind.” Unknown

I'm not sure what woke me up between the chirruping close to my ear or the stng of the antseptc. I
open my eyes then rub them again as I take my surroundings in. I'm in the wilderness on a reed stretch-
mat. The chirruping is coming from a liile black bird next to me with spindly thin brown legs. I focus my
gaze on it’s long beak as memories of what happened come crushing back, so it wasn’t a nightmare!
Tears stng my eyes as fear wraps itself around me.

“That's the black scrub robin, it's usually chirpy at this tme of the day,” the voice is sof and cultured
with a slight twang or American accent. My frst instnct is to look for the owner of the voice but a sharp
pain shoots through my head and I feel dizzy. Ouch! That stng again.
“Take it easy, you got a nasty cut on your head and I'm applying antseptc on it. It stngs like a bitch but
my sister, she studied medicine she is always strict about open wounds and antseptc,” her voice
becomes wistul as she talks about her sister. She must miss her.

I have so many questons but I am not even sure she can sign. I haven’t seen her face because she is
behind me tending to my wound. I gingerly lif my hand to feel for the wound and I make a horrifc
discovery. My hair! My long, full curly, healthy hair has been shaved of crudely. I can't stop the tears
that come tumbling down. I want my hair back, I want my bear back, and I want my life back. I wonder
where Nura is and if she is stll alive. This feels surreal like a tasteless nightmare.

“Hey did I hurt you?” the concern in her voice makes me blink my tears back and look into the most
feline eyes I have ever seen. They are a sparkling green in color with the longest lashes framing them.
Her face is covered in a Hijab but the eyes alone are bewitching and now they are darkening with
concern. I shake my head no and run my hand through my bald head again.

“They had to cut your hair of to sttch your wound together. The force of the gun was too much for your
skull,” she's speaking sofly and hurriedly as if she doesn't want anyone to hear her. She wipes away my
tears and she has the sofest creamy hands. I wonder how she got mixed up in all this, it's obvious that
she is a very gentle soul with a privileged background.

Where are we? I sign and her eyes widen in confusion. Great she can't sign but I bet she can write.
Painstakingly I lean over my side and write on the sof soil, Where are we? She looks around nervously
before she comes closer on the pretext of checking my wound her feet erasing my queston. Ok this is
more hectc than I thought.

“I'm not sure where exactly because we shif camps regularly but my bet is between Sambisa and Algori.
Keep your eyes downcast at all tmes and stay out of trouble otherwise you will end up a sex slave of the
insurgents. Don’t even show them you can write, they detest all things Western,” all this informaton is
mumbled to me and I have to lean in real close to hear what she is saying.

My body grows cold at the uierance of sex slave, those men in our apartment were cold and ruthless
with eyes of killers without soul or conscious. I shudder when I think what could be happening to Nura.
My crop top and skirt are gone and I am clad in a hijab much similar to hers but my head piece isn't on
my head. The material isn't silky and fne like most of Nura's clothes but it's rough and chafs at my skin.
I wonder how she wears it.

I take more notce of our surroundings. We are in the jungle, deep inside the jungle there are concealed
bunkers scaiered here and there you can barely notce them that’s how artully hidden they are. We
are nestled between hills and mountains and there are thorny bushes so thick that they cant be
penetrated by a human without cutng their skin. Where on earth is Sambisa and Algori? My geography
is failing me and my head is stll fuzzy from the blow. I wonder how long I've been unconscious and
whether we are stll even in South Africa. I don’t notce the tears untl I feel my kind angel wiping away
my tears. Something tells me I can trust her though communicaton between us is going to be hard.

“Don't cry,” even though her voice sounds like it's breaking. “My name is…” she keeps quiet when heavy
footsteps approach us where we are. Her eyes are already downcast and she bows her head slightly, I
follow suit.

“She's fnally awake,” it's the voice of the group leader from that day and I feel a burning need to jump
on him. As if she can feel my intentons, she holds my hand and squeezes it almost painfully. His Somali
isn't Perfect but I can string along what he means. “Take her to the other girls and come to my tent.”
With those orders he turned on his heels and walks away with militant precision. He's one gigantc man.
She helps me stand up, I feel weak and dizzy.

“Easy now you have been unconscious for a week and some days you were delirious with fever,” alarm
tghtens around me. A whole week! Now I'm certain we are no longer in South Africa. And I feel for her,
it's obvious what he wants from her in the tent.

We move slowly with me leaning heavily on her. A group of men passes us and look at us but not one of
them ofers their assistance. This is a camp of some sorts. We make our way to a bunker a bit further
from the rest. Inside the bunker is crammed with girls. It's obvious they are young but some are
pregnant and some are nursing babies. Hopelessness hangs stagnant in the room, only a few raise their
eyes curiously as we make our way in, the rest couldn't be bothered or don’t have the strength to look
up.

She places me on the foor next to another girl who is nursing a baby while swatng fies around her. She
looks at me with dead eyes, no smile or any warmth permits from her just a dull ficker of her eyes then
she contnues nursing her child. The foor is much harder than the reed stretcher I was in. I shif for a
while before I fall into an uncomfortable sleep with my arm as a pillow.

I’m woken up by hunger cramps in my stomach. I sit up and I am stll in the bunker with the other girls. I
sigh as I fnally accept that this isn't a bad dream that I will wake up from, this is my reality now. I
wonder what Banzi is doing, I know he will blame himself and I ofer a short prayer to Allah to give him
the strength to stay away from drugs. I couldn't live with myself if I was the reason why he relapses. I sit
up and there's a diferent girl next to me at least this one aiempts to smile but the smile is weak and
doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Yagana my name is Yagana,” she speaks Igbo and thanks to Amaka I can hear a bit of what she is saying.
I sign to her that I can't speak and she ofers me a sympathetc smile.

“Na-ekwu okwu no?” loosely translated is you no speak? I nod my head and she also nods her
understanding. I have made a new friend in Yagana. She is preiy with ebony skin and bright eyes, her
pearl teeth glimmer in the semi-darkness inside the bunk. I rub my stomach indicatng that I'm hungry
and she shakes her head.

“Sometmes they starve us for days and sometmes they bring us beans. If you are good and ‘marry' one
of them you get ostrich meat,” my heart sank even deeper. What kind of monsters do that?

“I come from Askira Uba north-west from Borno, I was abducted with my elder sister but I watch her
strap to bomb afer they go sleep with her nay go refuse to marry Islam,” she relates the story with no
tears in her eyes and this hurts deeper than if she was wailing loudly with tears pouring down her face.
It's a defated acceptance of a crooked existence. I wonder what fate awaits me.

Nura comes in with a steaming bowl. A tug of emotons feetngly pass through my body at once. Relief
that she's stll alive, anger that somehow she brought this on us, pain at how her one eye is almost
swollen shut and grattude that she is stll with me and she brought food. My stomach growls loudly, I
cant remember the last tme I had food. She hands me the food and I take it greedily. It's beans with
strips of dried ostrich meat. I'm tempted to gobble it all down but then I see Yagana eyeing it as she
wets her lips and I eat half of the bowl and hand her the rest. She gobbles it down as quickly as I did.
Nura has been watching us with tears in her eyes.

“Wax aad cabtd ma rabtaa? (Do you need something to drink?)” I nod my head careful not to hurt
myself in any other situaton I would have rolled my eyes but not today.

She comes back with a big curved hollow shell of sorts with a long arm and it's brimming with water. I
drink slowly savoring the water and also flling up the empty space in my stomach. I'm careful to leave
some water for Yagana and she smiles her grattude. It's a full genuine smile this tme and I smile back at
her. When she is done, I hand back Nura her shell and sign thank you by tapping on my chin then
pointng four fngers at her.

“Fatma I'm sorry I thought I was protectng you, I failed as your mother…” I raise my hand to stop her.
Now she wants to talk? Afer I begged her for months afer she watched me have nightmare afer
nightmare and she told me they were just dreams? I might sound callous but I am mad at Nura or should
I say Safya I don’t even know her anymore. But I do know her past has brought us here away from my
Bear. She looks at me with pain shimmering in her eyes and she nods once and stands up and leaves. I
feel alone when she is gone and I turn and sob silently away from the prying eyes of the other girls.

#Insert 54

“I was born Safya Hashmi because my mother said when I was born instead of crying I laughed. Omar
was my mother's maiden name. My father Abdi Rashid Hashmi was the Chief of Army, a proud and
dedicated man who sought hard to piece the Somali army back into it's former glory of being one of the
strongest armies in Africa before its disintegraton and dissoluton following President Siad Barre feeing
in 1991,” Nura's sof voice is weak and I want to urge her to skip the history and serve her strength. But
knowing my mother this history has some bearing to what she's about to tell me so I let her be. It's hard
enough looking at her and not dissolving into tears.

We have been in this camp for weeks but I cant be certain exactly how long we have been here because
tme stretches in this hell hole. And we have been moved around a lot, made to scuile along like tny
rats. It's not just the girls here, there are women and men who were also abducted though all groups are
separated. I have witnessed birth labor and I have also witnessed death. I have also had to witness my
mother being stripped in front of everyone and the long coiling end of the whip tear the delicate skin on
her back tll she was bloody and lost consciousness. I have lost count of how many tears I have shed.

She selfessly gave herself up for me. Literally. The leader wanted to gif me to one of his men but Nura
pointed out that I was pure and how Zina (unlawful sexual intercourse) belonged to the class of hudud
(crimes which have punishment specifed in the Qur'an which are a 100 lashes. Which is what earned
her the vicious lashing. I died a thousand deaths standing there as those men held me back as I watched
lash afer lash pelt down her naked narrow back. It’s a sight that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I
am no longer angry at her all I want is to take her pain and feel it in her place. These monsters did this to
her all in the name of Islam, snort! The sheer hypocrisy is sickening. Islam is one of the most peace
encouraging religious beliefs insttute but this, this Boko Haram is tarnishing the principles of Islam.
Nura's cough breaks me of my angry trail of thoughts.

“I was a bubbly child and my father's gem. He would host me up on his knee the moment he came from
work and read the daily prayers with me on his lap. But the older I got the more insurgents that broke
out and the more harried with worry my father became. He became obsessed with the civilian milita
groups that mushroomed from al Shabaab, ISS and al Qaeda. He spent more tme on the drawing board
planning aiacks and I felt neglected and lef out so I started rebelling. I would go to the meetngs of al
Shabaab and was hedging on the idea of becoming a recruit but their jihadist ideologies were too much
for me. I only went there to get my father's aienton because when he heard, he would scold and
punish me and make sure I wasn’t out of his sight for days. And I enjoyed that but of course he went
back to his man hunt afer a while. I was frustrated and angry, a sullen rebellious teen. That is when I
met your father. “Ibrahim Awid Ibrahim al-Bradi is my name,” he said in his calm voice looking deep in
my eyes.” Her voice has become wistul as she talks about meetng my father and there's a spark in her
eyes which wasn’t there.

How was he like, my father. I ask for the frst tme since she began her narraton. She smiles a tny ghost
of a smile.

“He was everything I needed then the calm in my storm, liile did I know that I had come face to face
with the eye of the storm. You have his thick bushy eyebrows and his whiplash intellect, even his full
pink lips. He was quiet and retring. He would listen to me rant on and on about my father then he
would read a scripture from the Qur'an that somehow made me feel beier, appeased. He was a loner
and in him I had found my sounding board. He was hard to remember that’s how insignifcant he was,
no one really notced him. He used to lead prayer near the mosque near my area. Something drew me to
him like a moth to the fre I was captvated by him. Of course my father caught wind of our budding
romance and he went berserk. He forbade me from seeing him he said Ibrahim was the leader of the
Salaf jihadist terrorist organizaton known as ISIL and that he went by many names one was Al-Shabah
which meant the phantom or the ghost. And he told me of the numerous people Ibrahim had allegedly
killed or in his words butchered. I didn’t believe him not my gentle sweet Ibrahim, he wouldn't hurt a fy,
he couldn’t be this phantom. We exchanged harsh words with my father and I saw the disappointment
in his face and he disowned me, my mother cried and begged but he said he didn’t raise an insurgent
and this phantom was only using me,” her voice is breathless now as she cries I wipe her tears with my
hands. It's clear my grandfather meant so much to her.

“I think you must let her rest now,” the lady who aiended to my wounds says sofly.

She's right and she wants to dress Nura's wounds but I ask to do it. Hesitaton firts across her beautful
face, today she isn't wearing the veil. Her beauty is breathtaking, I'm not sure if she's Caucasian because
her skin is darker almond almost and a tendril of her honey brown hair hangs lightly against her face and
she brushes it of as she nods. The girls call her Obiacha which means clean heart but I know that's not
her real name. She's always taking care of the wounded and she cries as she does it. I wonder how she
got entangled with the bandits because clearly she is not from around here.

I am careful as I wash Nura's back with antseptc and apply the healing ointment. Nura finches as I
wash her back but she doesn’t make a sound. One tear falls on her back and I wipe it of and furiously
blink back the tears. By the tme I'm done, she is fast asleep and I cover her with the rough blanket
hoping that it doesn’t chaf her wounds.
I miss Banzi so badly it hurts. It hurts so bad at tmes even my heart feels like someone is thrustng a
blunt knife in my heart. I miss his voice gosh, his laugh when we were playing cards and I caught him
cheatng. The way he bit his lip when he was looking at me. I miss his hugs and how he easily lifed me
and twirled me around. I miss how he sings along to music as he drives and winks at me as he catches
me staring. He has become my strength for so long I feel lost and afoat without him. I miss Khanyo and
his wet kisses and outrageous stories. I miss Nathi with her hugs and constant chaier, her warmth. I
even miss Vuyo putng me on the spot. Bongiwe would have something to say about this. I wonder
what they are doing if they are losing their minds looking for us. That is the family I made along the way
and I want this nightmare to stop so that I can go back to my crazy loud family.

At least I'm sure that my family is safe back home but the girls here are no as optmistc. One narrated
how her whole family was butchered in front of her and her brother. She said her brother was recruited
as a soldier at 9 years old and she only saw him once since then. She said the person she saw afer 2
years wasn’t her brother but a cold shell of who her brother used to be. They turned her sweet baby
brother into a killer who raped a girl in front of her. The horror stories here are curdling, none of us are
hopeful of a rescue. I sit next to Yagana and she sings sofly as she brushes my budding hair. My wound
has totally healed thanks to Obiacha even though she said the scar will always be there.

I must have fallen asleep because I'm woken up by Obiacha shaking me sofly. For a moment I think it's
Banzi and I see his face and I smile but it clears and I fnd Obiacha smiling back at me. Wow she has
dimples, I had never notced that before.

“She's calling for you,” she says sofly and I get up from the unyielding foor and follow her out of the
girls' bunker. We are now in a diferent locaton but it's just as obscure and vegetatve like the frst one
and the one afer that. The soldiers don’t pay us much aienton as we make our way to Nura's tent,
they are playing card games while their guns are slung carelessly on their sides. The brutes!

We fnd Nura sitng up, she looks slightly beier but she's stll weak. Her face brightens when she sees
me. I hug her careful of her back and she hugs me back with a liile strength. I sit next to her and she
gives me her sweet smile, I admire my mother no maier how cruel the world has been to her, her smile
is stll warm and real. She contnues with her narratve.

“So there I was disowned and nowhere to go and when I told Ibrahim he said he wouldn’t leave me
alone. And he had to go because my father and his troops where coming for him. I was young and it felt
like an adventure tll we reached Abuja and I began to queston why we had to travel incognito he said
we were hiding from my father and I believed him. He said he had friends in Abuja that could help us.
That's when I met Darul Akeem Shekau, the man who abducted us. I didn’t like them at all and that’s
when my nightmare began. Your father loved me and spoiled me and that was taken as weakness and
when he had to go back to Iraq to his other wives I sufered. It turns out my father was telling the truth
and your father had lef us with his afliates. Back then Shekau was second in command but he was stll
as arrogant and as ruthless. I tried escaping but that was when I discovered I was pregnant. I had to stay.
I think Shekau lusted afer me but because I was Ibrahim's woman he couldn’t touch me. I gave birth to
two identcal liile angels,” she drops this bomb calmly on me and I'm shocked.

I had a twin? I ask her and she nods as her eyes begin to leak tears.

“Yes baby she looked just like you, I named her Samira she was your happy companion. Where you cried
untl you turned red she laughed and made those beautful gurgling sounds. You were always the leader
always the inquisitve one and she would follow you around and she barely cried even when you pushed
her, she would stand up and smile at you.” By now we are both in tears, the girl in my dreams was my
twin. I feel a deep deep loss that I can't explain. How could I forget my other half.

“Life was hard in the camp without your father but I held on for my babies and Shekau’s obsession with
me grew. And when you were two your father came back to take us with him to Iraq but Shekau
poisoned him against me. Told him I had been sleeping around ever since I gave birth. He couldn’t claim
that you were not Ibrahim's children because you resembled him so much especially when you were
babies. That was when I saw the monster my father warned me about. Ibrahim would strip me in front
of Shekau's men and whip me tll I lost consciousness. I begged and pleaded with him but that was not
my Ibrahim it was like he was possessed. He would kick me untl you came and threw your liile body on
me and Samira followed you. Shekau took your sister and molested her the moment Ibrahim lef for Iraq
and he made me watch. I had to watch as my baby wailed and that monster had his way with her, he
tore her and there was so much blood coming out of her. I tried to stop the blood, I tried Fatma but I
just couldn’t stop the blood. And her wails had turned into pitful whimpers. She lost too much blood
and she died in my arms. And I don’t know how but the moment she died you made a piercing scream
and that was the last sound you ever uiered. They threw her body to the dogs and I knew you were
next Fatma. I couldn’t stomach the thought of losing another baby so I ran. I didn’t know where I was
going but I clutched you close to me and ran for your life. That's when we met Chiamaka, she was
fetching water in the river and afer I begged and begged, she took us to her house where she hid us.
Amaka lied to Shekau's men who came looking for us. I could hear them from the granary where she hid
us and fortunately you didn’t even make a sound. Amaka and her husband decided it wasn’t safe for us
in Abuja and their cousin helped us all move to South Africa. We owe Amaka our lives, even that side
she helped me get a job and we only moved out when I got another job with the Naidoos.” She stops,
she's exhausted I can tell through my misty eyes.

I cant stop crying for the young Safya who had to go though all those horrible things and for Samira my
other half who had to sufer such a horrifc death at such a young age and for my voice which was ripped
from my soul. I cant stop the tears and my mother is holding me so close.
“I'm sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner, Amaka and I agreed that it was for the best that you knew nothing
and have as much of a normal life as possible. I felt like I was being watched and I panicked that’s why I
called you home. If I had to run t the end of the world carrying you Fatma I would. You were not made
for this life Macaanto we have to get you out of here,” I look into her eyes and they are burning with
determinaton.

#Insert 55

“She's been broken. She's been knocked down. She's been defeated. She's felt pain that most couldn't
handle. She looks fear in the facei year afer year, day afer day, but yet, she never runs. She never
hides. And she ALWAYS fnds a way to get back up. She's unbreakable. She's a warrior. She's you.”
Unknown

I remember the frst tme I saw Banzi, the frst tme I laid my eyes on him. He was sitng next to an
empty desk and I made my way to the desk but before I could even sit down, he put his school bag on
the chair without even looking up and I remember thinking how rude is this boy! I don’t remember
exactly when my crush on him started because at frst I used to hate him. He was your typical jock,
handsome and he knew it corky and arrogant thought he was God's gif to girls. But even remembering
that now makes me smile. I have decided not to dwell too much on the nightmare that is my life, least I
go insane but to remember my grizzly bear.

He wasn't always that buf. He was lanky and tall in our frst two years in high school with that lopsided
smile of his showing of his dimple. Those lazy eyes which seemed to see right through me. I remember
when we had to take our school photos taken on the second year, we had one taken every year. I
couldn’t take my eyes of him, his hair had grown into a small fro and I wasn’t the only one drooling over
him but of course he barely notced me. How could he? I had braces the frst two years of high school
curtesy of the Naidoos before they showed their true colors.

How can I forget how Shakespeare brought us together? I think it must have hurt when that thick
volume hit him on the shin but of course he didn’t yelp out in pain like the rest of us mere mortals.
When did Banzi get his buf? Must have been the second term of the tenth grade if it wasn’t the frst
term of the eleventh grade. He just came back with his voice deeper and his muscles rippling. I smile
now as I remember how I was gawking at him afer hitng him with my books. The way he looked at me
disdainfully from the boiom of my Toughees shoes to the top of my then braided hair before drawling
lazily, “Aren’t you even going to apologize?” Or that day when he held my headphones hostage and I
tried jumping to get them. All that makes me smile now but back then it frustrated me no end. I never
thought my liile crush, ok my gigantc crush on him would end up turning into this amazing love.
I wonder why he called me Farrah rather than Fatma. But I'm not complaining, my name on his lips
sounded like a caress. Except when he was angry at me then called me by my full name. I miss how
overbearing he gets sometmes and how he constantly fussed over me. And those puppy eyes of his
which make him look like Khanyo. How he gets jealous when I show Khanyo any aienton. My baby is
such an aienton seeker. How grouchy he got just from seeing me hug Sbula. He's also so dramatc like
the tme he threw me over his shoulder in font of the whole school. Banzi can me moody and broody
like a storm but I get him, I don’t have to try too hard to understand him because he was made just for
me. And he gets me just as easily, every line in my face, he knows the meaning and I hope he's not
breaking apart without me.

I know how protectve he gets and also how sensitve he is. The frst tme I saw how sensitve he was,
was at the park on that fateful bench when he broke down in tears. Deep, pain flled and heart
wrenching sobs and he didn’t hide the fact that he's crying even as the nosy couple passed and stared at
him weirdly. He even had hiccups aferwards. I fell in love with him that exact moment. If you ask me
there is nothing sexier than a man who can feel your pain and wants to take the pain in your place. And
that’s my bear, my arrogant sensitve bear.

I remember our frst kiss which I initated. Looking back I wonder where I got the strength, I mean I had
never been kissed before but somehow it felt right at that moment. Am I making any sense? I hope I am
cause I can't really explain the burning need I had to taste his lips and how right it felt even though I had
no clue as to what I was doing. I remember that kiss as if it was yesterday. How he hesitated and how
sof and kushy his full lips felt. That kiss was slow, gentle and salty from our tears. I also loved his perks
on my forehead and wet kisses all over my face. I loved his passionate kisses, which were heated and
laced with such hunger as he made me into a woman. I love his teasing the way his eyes shined with
laughter as he said, “I'm defnitely not your friend Freckle-face,”. And I love his crazy moments like when
he called me Shakira.

I miss music or the way Banzi sings to me, I don't even realize that I'm crying tll I feel Nura hugging me
and all I want is to crawl on Banzi's lap. Wrapped in his warm familiar scent and his sturdy arms. I want
to feel his steady heartbeat. It feels like a part of me is missing like someone tore a part of my soul.

“Its fne to miss him baby, he is probably missing you too,” Nura's voice is sof and calming and I lif my
head from her breasts and she wipes my tears with her hands.

I miss him so much it hurts right here, I tell her pointng at my chest.
“I know baby, I know. What did you love most about him,” this is weird, I have never talked about Banzi
with my mother before.

I love that he challenges me to be beier, he never treated me like he's doing me a favor. I can tell him
anything and everything without fear of being judged. He gets me at tmes without me having to say
anything. I love how protectve he gets and how crazy he is. I love that’s he's not afraid to be sensitve
with me.

Nura is smiling as I sign to her and she squeezes my hand.

She's right just talking about him makes me feel like he is right here with me. Our frst big fght when I
told him to leave me alone and fnd a normal girlfriend and prepared to stomp into the middle of the
woods. I hadn’t even gone three steps when Banzi came out of the car in two long strides, he had caught
up to me and he lifed me bodily from the waist. I started kicking and clawing on his arms but he carried
me to the car and bundled me into the front seat before getng in and speeding of. It seemed like he
specialized in bundling me in his car even though he scared me some tmes.

Something about the way he said “And don’t you ever tell me what to do. I love you dammit, if I wanted
someone else I would be with them but I'm with you. So if you get frustrated or angry, talk to me don’t
push me away. I will not be your punching bag, are we clear?” made me believe that we were in this
forever.

Our plans of going to UCT together seemed like a distant memory. There wasn’t even a phone I could
steal just to hear his voice. But I couldn’t put his life at risk like that. I couldn’t bring these monsters to
him just because I miss him. I cant be that selfsh. I wish we had stayed at the beach forever running
afer each other and playing in the water. A sudden image of Banzi's face as I poured the cocktail on him
fashes through my mind and my cracked lips widen into a smile. He looked like he wanted to strangle
me and thinking of it now he also looked slightly constpated. My bear.

“I'm sorry I slapped you. Its just that I got scared that you will make my mistakes. But he is a good boy
from a proper loving family. I remember the frst tme I saw him, he was nervous but stll well mannered.
He's bound to make mistakes. All men are idiots,” she giggles at the last part and I grin.

Did you ever forgive him? My father, I sign and she frowns contemplatng my queston.

“My love for him died a liile when I discovered that he wasn’t the sweet calm man I fell for but a
religious fanatc who inficted pain on all those who refused to follow his beliefs. But I guess I stll carried
hope that he would change for me, that he would come back and take us to his home and love and
protect us. I didn’t even mind sharing him with his other wives. But that love died even more when he
believed that viper over me and I lay there on the ground naked and bleeding at the hands of the man
who professed to love me. What liile love I had for him died in my arms as I saw my liile baby take her
last breath. But I forgave him because holding on to the burning hate I had for him would have meant I
would have been robbing you of the space where my love for you could have been. So I chose to love
you fully and forgive him.” There were parts were she got sad as she narrated but as I look at her I see
how serene she is, I know she has made peace with her past.

I don’t know how I feel about my father. I'm happy that he's not dead but resent him for all the pain my
mother has gone through. I don't even want to dwell too long on the fact that my father is among the
most wanted terrorists in the world. He has a bounty on his head. Sounds like something from a sick
Thriller movie, only I've never met him and I'm not sure I ever want to meet him. I wonder if Banzi will
ever change let's say 5 to 6 years down the line. Will he ever chase his dreams and share that amazing
voice that melted my heart with Ed Sheraan’s Perfect. Will I ever see him again?

“If your fate is to be together then no one and nothing can come between fate,” ok Nura stll has the
freaky ability to hear my thoughts and she seems like she's in a trance, her eyes are rolling in her head
leaving only the whites.

“It's tme,” Obiacha says sofly, I didn’t hear her come in. We have been planning my escape for a week
now and I am meant to escape today. I turn to look at Nura and I don’t want to leave her.

Come with me, I plead with her. She smiles serenely as she wipes my tears.

“I will always be with you macaanto, looking over you but now you have to be strong for mama ok? You
will have Yagana with you and Allah will guide you.” There's a huge lump in my throat as I hug her
fercely. When did breathing become a crime?

#Insert 56

“Stop crying Fatma it makes you look ugly,” Nura's sof words are meant to make me smile. She always
said that when I was young and she would show me a mirror and I would end up smiling but not today.
I'm too old for that trick and somehow this feels like goodbye and I don’t want to leave my mother
behind. Its always been just me and her against the world. I hug her too tghtly and she winces a bit but
she doesn’t let me go either.
“It's tme to go otherwise you wont get much of a head start,” Obiacha breaks into our bonding moment
and the lump in my throat will just not go away but I need to put on my big girl knickers on.

“Run macaanto and never look back, I will always be with you baby always,” Nura kisses me hurriedly on
my face. “Now go,” she fnally says and pushes me away from her. I look at her beautful face glowing in
the liile moonlight streaming through a crack in the bunker. I'm trying to commit her face to memory,
the stubborn set of her mouth and the strength in her eyes. And I say a short prayer for my mother, I
shudder to think what those monsters will do to her once they discover our treachery. Obiacha has to
half drag me out of that bunker but my eyes are stll leached on my darling mother and she is throwing
kisses tll she's out of my sight.

It's dark outside the only light is the one the moon lends us through the foliaton of thick vegetaton. We
come across a group of bandits sitng rather awkwardly and I freeze in my tracks but Obiacha pulls me
whispering so sofly her words feel like the dartng wind.

“Don't worry we spiked their drinks with ground sleeping herbs that your mother came up with,” then if
that's the case I have to go back and take Nura and some of the other girls. I tried breaking away from
Obiacha but for one with such silky sof hands she really has one heck of a grip.

“Her body is weak she would only slow you down and I will be here taking care of her, I promise. The
only thing that will help her is if she knows you are far from this place, ok?” I nod as tears clog my
throat. I have to blink them back rapidly and clear my throat a couple of tmes. Now was not the tme for
tears, no more tears.

Indeed the group is snoring loudly, we are able to walk past them undetected but we stll thread
carefully. We are both wearing black and only our eyes are visible. We move stealthily to the edge of the
camp where we fnd Yagana squatng behind a thick shrubbery and her body is tense, she visibly relaxes
when she notces that it's us. Obiacha hands us a sling bag made from the skin of one of the animals
those monsters hunt and feast on every day. She dug it up from it's hiding post next to the shrubbery.

“There is food and water here but you have to be as economic with it as possible, eat only when you
need to. Run in the cover of the darkness and in the daytme hide using the cover of the vegetaton. Be
careful the jungle is also full of venomous deadly reptles. God be with you,” her voice is hurried and sof
you have to lean in and listen to what she says. She gives us brief hugs and orders us to run. We don’t
wait to be told twice and we are of. I'm glad that at least I am leaving mother in the caring hands of
Obiacha.
We run tll my chest feels like it's about to burst out of my body and my breath is a wheezing mess but
we don't stop running. It's hard running through the woods because of the long exposed tree roots
which have tripped us up a few tmes. The frst tme I tripped over a root and fell full length o the
ground, the impact of my landing literally knocked the breath out of me and Yagana had to lif me up
and we didn’t even stop we contnued running. Neither of us are even aware where we are running to
just as long as we get as far as possible from that horrifc camp. My body cant take any more running
and Yagana is also wheezing next to me and the frst light is almost upon us. We drag our feet now
looking for shelter to hide in tll nightall again.

As luck will have it, we fnd a small cave at the edge of a small stream. You wouldn’t notce that it’s a
cave because its hidden behind a veil of poison Ivy and if Yagana hadn't tripped over the roots of a
neighboring tree and stumbled upon it, we wouldn’t have notced either. The inside of the cave is snug
and warm, at least its dry. Yagana opens the skin bag and takes out pieces of dried meats, handing some
to me. I'm not really hungry right now am more worried about Nura but my body needs the
replenishment so I nibble on the meat and drink thirstly from the water boile that Yagana hands me. I
think its wise to refll the boile so I head out to the stream.

I'm leaning over the stream when I feel something cold brush against my hand. I look down and almost
faint. It's a huge snake I don't know snake types but its huge and its going past my hand. I try to be as
stll as possible and not to make any sudden move least it strikes me down. It feels surreal that an actual
snake is so close and I am not freaking out. Afer what feels like a decade the snake is fnally on it's way,
the water boile is full and I scuile back to the cave.

I fnd Yagana already coiled in a fetus positon already fast asleep. I put the boile in the bag and try to
sleep as well. But thoughts crowd my mind chasing away sleep. I wonder how long before those men
discover that we have escaped and come huntng us down. I wonder how Nura is doing and if they wont
punish her for our escape. There's a possibility that they will kill her but I don't even want to entertain
that thought. I wont. Nura has to stay alive tll I fnd help and come back to rescue Nura, Obiacha and
the many women, men and girls in that camp. I wonder if I will fnd my way back home in South Africa.
But knowing that they were already following me, I don’t want to go and stay with Banzi. I love him too
much to bring Boko Haram to his door step. I wonder if my father is the one who sent these hooligans to
come afer us afer all these years. One thing is clear though, I want nothing to do with my father.
Eventually my addled brain falls into a deep sleep, exhausted by my bleak chances.

I'm startled from my sleep by deep voices just outside the cave. I put a hand over Yagana’s mouth and
she is instantly awake, big eyes popping out of her face. The voices contnue outside and we are careful
not to draw any aienton to ourselves. Afer a while their heavy footsteps sound going the opposite
directon and judging from the footsteps it was a group of about ten men. I wait for the footsteps to
fade before letng go of Yagana. We peak outside and it's deserted and from the positon of the sun I
estmate that its just afer midday. It's hot and humid outside but the cave is blessedly cool and dry. We
grab some fruit in the bag and start eatng and wash the dried fruit with stream water. If you had told
me last year that I would be in a cave, a fugitve against insurgents, eatng dried fruit and water with my
shaved head. I would have laughed at your face and told you I would be making my way to UCT right
now, excited with the love of my life. But here we are.

Yagana is telling me of how she hopes that her brother is stll alive, no maier how cold hearted he had
grown, he was stll her blood and the only family she had lef. She told me about the coups she has lived
through and of course the rebels also claiming lives. It's a horrifc existence this constant tug of war for
power while blood is being shed. And we watch the news in the comfort of our homes, follow the
#BringBackOurGirls movement on Twiier to feel like we are doing something. Or to assuage our guilt
then also post pictures of our baecaton. But of course the girls don't see the movements on Twiier, nor
do those funds reach them. In the tme I was held captve, I felt alone and abandoned to die, the
constant fear of being raped or married of is a real nightmare. When will it ever stop?

I’m grateful that Banzi and his family are safe and untainted by this bloodshed. Yagana does most of the
talking while I listen and nod. We sleep again eventually and wake up when the darkness has again
descended on us. I'm sad to be leaving this cave but I can't stay here forever and Yagana needs to be
reunited with her people. I wish I had a people to be reunited with but my people are the ones sending
people to persecute me. I know I have the Lunikas and Amaka but that is just too much of a burden to
place on them. I steel myself before the tears start and we gather our meagre belongings and head out.
Careful not to touch the poison ivy with our bare skin. For a place which was almost boiling in the
afernoon the nights are freezing and our teeth are chaiering a bit as we paddle through the forest in
our bare feet. I don’t know how many thorns have pierced the soles of my feet now I just finch and limp
on, we have to be on the lookout today so we aren't running but walking carefully.

I think I hear a twig break but I'm not sure so I stand stll and cauton Yagana to do the same. We wait
and there isn't any more movement. I guess it was some wild animal. We contnue on our pursuit for
freedom and we are only relying on streaks of the moonlight which are coming through the trees. An
owl hoots unexpectedly and I jump slightly but contnue walking. We have no sense of where we are
going or if we are going to fnd any village soon but we trudge on. My body is tred and I feel weak and
dizzy but I have to contnue.

I don't know how long we have been walking and how far we have walked but my back is on fre and so
are my feet. I'm now worried because it's almost dawn and we are stll in the middle of the hoods with
nowhere to go or to hide. We quicken our pace and look around for a place to hide in. Yagana pulls me
into this shrubbery there are shrubs which are close knit but in the middle there is just enough space to
ft the two of us. We squeeze inside at least there is shade and we are also hidden. Our food reserves
are quickly dwindling and I worry about our next meal. Afer quenching our hunger and thirsty we take
turns sleeping, Yagana sleeps frst with my thighs cushioning her head. Unlike in the cave the space here
is not enough for both of us to sleep comfortably. I'm stll worried about Nura what is she doing back
there at that camp, maybe they moved them.

Afer a while Yagana wakes up and it's my turn to sleep. As I'm sleeping I dream that I’m in front of the
fountain again but this tme there is a girl who looks just like me.

“Samira ” I call out as I run to her, she looks up and is smiling as she also runs to me and we embrace for
the longest tme.

“Farrah,” the way she says my name in her sing song voice is just beautful. She kisses me on the lips.

“It wasn’t your fault sister, let go of the pain it was meant to be me not you. And I am stll your
companion, I will always be your companion,” I feel this peace envelope me as I embrace her.

“But my voice…?” I begin to queston but she places her fnger on my mouth and smiles.

“You are the voice of the voiceless Farrah, everything is as it should be.” With those words she
disappears, I run looking for her but she has vanished and I wake up in tears. But strangely I am at peace
and I fnd Yagana also sleeping, her head bobbing uncomfortably. It's dark outside now, I must have
slept for too long. I shake Yagana awake, it's tme for us to move again. I check for any movement before
we come out of our hiding place and contnue walking.

We have walked for a while when I feel someone grabbing me and placing their hand on my mouth. I
remember all the training that Banzi put me through and I kick and scratch with all my might. Yagana
notces my struggle and she starts running. No maier how hard I try to kick and bite this ma doesn’t
budge but he is diferent from the other bandits even though I haven't seen him yet, he smells diferent.

Yagana hasn’t ran that far when I hear gunshots and I see her topple to the ground and I immediately
stop kicking as I feel numb. What's the point in fghtng I won't win and my screams are silent and locked
in my head. All this is too much for my already weak self because I feel the darkness encroaching making
my brain fuzzy and I welcome the darkness and slip into unconsciousness.

FINALE
“There are many Beths in the world, shy and quiet, sitng in corners tll needed, and living for others so
cheerfully that no one sees the sacrifces tll the liile cricket on the hearth stops chirping, and the sweet,
sunshiny presence vanishes, leaving silence and shadow behind.”

Louisa May Alcoi, Liile Women

I want to cry, I want to cry so hard but I don’t have any tears just as I don’t have any smiles or laughs lef
in me. She disappeared with my tears, my smiles and my laughs and nothing can fll this void within me. I
stare unseeingly at the ceiling waitng for the next song in the playlist to come on. Right on cue Usher’s
voice breaks into my loud thoughts.

“I can't win, I can't reign

I will never win this game

Without you, without you

I am lost, I am vain,

I will never be the same

Without you, without you

I won't run, I won't fy

I will never make it by

Without you, without you

I can't rest, I can't fght

All I need is you and I,

Without you, without you"

How ftng, I feel at sorts without my Freckle-face by my side. Six months, it's been a torturous six
months without my feisty girl and all I want is to hug her and kiss her eyes and her pet nose and those
freckles dustng her face. I will never forget the day she went missing, it stll feels like a horrible
nightmare that I can't seem to get over.

We had been textng and being silly as always. You see me and her texted about everything, from our
thoughts to our actvites. I could be failing to sleep and just pick up my phone and text her my jumbled
up thoughts and if she was asleep, she would wake me up with a long arse response. I stll remember
that partcular conversaton because not a day goes by that I don’t look at it and try to look for clues
something which would have me running to stop this whole nightmare but I cant.

Hurry up and come back already, I miss you (with a bunch of whiny emojis because I craved her the
moment she was out of my sight)

Stop whining it's only been 15 minutes and maa is telling me about the night she lost her virginity to
Foreigner’s I wanna know what love is (she added the winking emoji which just cracked me up no end)

Please don't tell her I didn’t play you any music cause she's going to tease me no end saying tata has
more game than me.

(She sent a string of her signature laughing faces) That's because he does have more game than you, no
rose petals, scented candles nyana and not even some romantc music dude you suck.

First of all stop chatng so much with Bongz I cant have you textng me Xhosa twang, stay away from my
language Miss Omar. Secondly you didn’t even give me tme to prepare anything because you were all
over me like a rash, screaming take me take me now bear because I suck so good.

We in the pharmacy now chat later (that response just let me know she was blushing nonstop and I
swooped in for the kill).

Running away Miss Omar? You wound me and for that I will make sweet love to you all night to Boys to
Men and you won't be able to walk for the next week.

Banzi stop ok. You're weird and I love you.

I love you even more Freckle-face.

Then she had gone offline tll she texted me panicking.

My mom just called said I should come home now and dropped the call. Do you think she knows?

If she saw your walk macaanto, then yes she knows.

Banzi be serious, you know I'm not allowed to have sex before marriage what if she slaps me again?

I'm sorry baby, I'm an insensitve jerk. She won't know baby but I can come with you and make sure that
she doesn’t slap you. I hated it when she did that last tme.

No it's fne, you being there will only make things worse. Even if I get slapped last night was worth it
xoxo (then she put those heart emojis which just melted my heart.)

If she starts anything promise me you will run from there ok?

Yes dad (she rolled her eyes at me)

Miss Omar you know what rolling your eyes does to my twitching palm.

Give it a rest LwandleLubanzi Grey. I'm at the fat now. Laters baby.

I love you Fatma Farrah Omar never forget that ok?

I love you to infnity and beyond my grizzly bear.

That was her last text and she logged of. Her last seen never changed afer that. I texted to ask how it
went with her mom and when she didn’t respond I thought I should give them some space. Afer two
hours I texted her again and stll nothing I began to panic but Bongz told me to chill I was actng like a
love sick puppy so I let it slide. Then I got the call. I sound dramatc but that call changed my life. I was
surprised to see Farrah’s neighbor calling me. When I answered she was wailing very loudly,
“They go take them naaa Chineke ne they be gone ooh!” I couldn’t make head or tail of what she was
saying but I felt a cold hand grip my spine. Something wasn't right. I grabbed my car keys amidst my
mother's inquiry of what's wrong but I couldn't answer her. Because I had no idea myself but I just knew
that something bad had happened and I had no idea how bad it was tll I got to their apartment.

Everything was askew, I will never forget the sight that greeted me by the door. Amaka was wringing her
hands then placing them on her head as she wailed then she would wring them again. There were half
packed suitcases on the bed and the place seemed thrashed a bit and horror of horrors there was a hulk
of a man lying in a pool of his blood face down on the foor. And there was more blood next to him and I
started shivering uncontrollably. This couldn’t be happening not to my heart, I remember thinking and I
started looking for her. Maybe she hid in their closet. Then I looked under the bed and in the bathroom.
There was no sign of her but I found her phone lying on the foor.

That's when I went berserk. I wanted to hurt something or someone so I started kicking that corpse
lying on the foor tll strong hands pulled me back and held me in a tght embrace. It was my dad and I
have never been so grateful to see him like I was then.

“They took her dad! They took my heart from me!” I was screaming hoarsely but no tears fell from my
eyes. I was deranged with worry and had a panic aiack they had to sedate me afer they turned the
corpse around and he had a bullet hole in front of his face and his brains were hanging out on his face. I
threw up and had a ft, I woke up in hospital and my Farrah wasn't next to me smiling her sweet
beautful smile.

Demi Lovato breaks into my thoughts but I barely acknowledge the words to her chorus.

“And all my friends, they know and it's true

I don't know who I am without you

I got it bad, baby

Got it bad

Oh, tell me you love me

I need someone on days like this, I do

On days like this

Oh, tell me you love me

I need someone

On days like this, I do

On days like this

Oh, can you hear my heart say

Ooohhhh, ooh”

Music is the only thing that numbs my pain, I just couldn’t bring myself to turn to drugs because I
promised her. I promised Farrah I would never touch them again and I won't. It's funny how she
changed me without trying, how her eyes haunt me with every decision I make. I wasn't lying when I
told her that she makes we want to be the best man that I can be for her. I never thought I would fnd
love so young and lose it so soon. I wasn't ready to let her go I stll am not ready. None of us were ready
to hear what Amaka had to say.

“I met Nura when she was barely Farrah's age. She was in taiers with a wild look in her sunken eyes and
she was clutching her baby to her chest as if her life depended on it. Back then it was a scary tme in
Abuja, coups this side and insurgents this side. At frst she no go trust me and I beg and beg na then she
allowed me to hide her in my granary. Afer she told me that the men who had held her hostage had
molested the other baby, they were twins, untl baby go bleed to death and they threw her liile body to
the dogs. I knew I had to help her and I begged my husband tll he got his cousin to get us to come this
side. She changed her name and started a new life here with her child. But these agents of wickedness
will they let her rest? No now, I don’t know how they found them.”

The agents of wickedness turned out to be Boko Haram from the man who was shot. These men were
cold and ruthless enough to kill one of their own in cold blood. I wonder why he was shot straight on the
forehead. My father tried calling on his old army buddies for help but this was beyond even them but
they did hook him up with the Nigerian military and he went there once. I wanted to go with him but he
said I had to go to school. I ended up going to Wits so my mother could keep an eye on me because I
was on suicide watch. You are thinking I was a coward right but so would you if your father went to look
for your girlfriend then returned with a body. The body of your girlfriend’s mother. What kind of
monsters would hack to death a peaceful soul like Nura? I feel the pain and the anger tghten my chest
and clog my throat as I remember the day dad came back. He was defeated and for a while so was I.

Mama suggested we bury her following Islamic rites, she said that is what Farrah and Nura would have
wanted and we all agreed. My poor mother had to bathe Nura's disfgured body, the morgue facilites
mend the body and wrap it in a shroud to minimize fuid leakage prior and she also had enshroud it in a
white linen cloth. Then we had to ask an Islamic priest to say the funeral prayer what he termed the
oanazah. She was buried in dignity, her body made to face Mecca and without a cofn. Nathi cried
during the burial and my father was also worked up and I was just standing there thinking how long will
it be tll the also found Farrah's body dumped in an abandoned camp. I wonder what she must be going
through without her mother. How is my baby coping with the death of the woman who was her world?
I'm barely coping and she's not even dead yet, I hope.

Someone switches of my music and I turn dull eyes to my mother. She has lost some weight. She
blames herself for leaving Farrah alone, dropping her of without going up with her. But I'm not sure I
would have survived had she also been abducted. The power of those people to come in and out of a
country undetected is scary. But hey if Presidents on the run from the UN can come and go at the drop
of a hat so can Boko Haram. I wish Farrah could come back so my mom can go back to gossiping with her
favorite daughter. At some point I got jealous at how close they were. I found a girl who not only
accepted that I'm a mama's boy but also loved my mother to death. And God, YOU took her from me so
damn yeah I'm angry as hell.

“Lubanzi you have to stop shutng everyone out baby,” her voice is pleading and I just look at her not
knowing how to respond.

“We miss her too you know, Khanyo asks about her every day and I'm running out of excuses. She was
the daughter I never had and the kindest funniest daughter I could ever ask for,” she's crying now.

“Don't talk about her like that,” I growl and contnue when she looks lost, “ Don't talk about Her like
she's dead cause she's not dead. She can't be dead maa I stll need her…” my voice breaks as I voice my
deepest fear, Farrah being dead.

Finally the food gates burst open and I sob like a liile boy. Loud sobs as I remember the exact moment
I fell in love with her was when I was crying because some sleaze boys had almost violated hr. I knew
then that she owned my heart And any pain she felt, I wanted to feel for her and take away all the hurt
in her eyes and fll it with laughter. I sob and my mother holds me as she cries as well.

“I miss her so bad it hurts here,” my voice is crusty as I point to my chest and the tears won't stop falling.

“It's ok baby, we are going to fnd her and bring her home,” my mother's gentle voice makes me sob
harder. I have a runny nose now and stll she holds me tghtly.
“I don't know how to live without her mama, she promised she will come back to me. Why hasn’t she
come? Why can't she be happy for once? I only found my heart to have it ripped from my chest,” the
words are fowing straight from my heart which is as broken as my voice.

Eventually the tears recede and I go and clean myself up. I feel lighter afer crying but my heart is stll
heavy.

“Get ready you can't miss your fight,” my mom says sofly as she kisses my cheek and leaves my
bedroom.

Oh I forgot to tell you, I'm transferring to UCT, I want to keep my promise to Farrah to become the best
version of me that I can be. And live out our dreams as I wait for her. I fnd comfort in Nura's prophesy
that she is my home and we would fnd our way to each other. My dad made a lot of sense when he said
she wouldn’t want me pining away for her and throwing away our dreams. Nothing was as important to
Farrah as educaton. I miss her waking me up at night just to force me to study.

And maybe if I'm as far from here as possible, she won't hunt m as much. I'm tormented by memories
of her dropping her towel and all I could do was ogle at the perfecton that is her body. I'm haunted by
her face on my bed as I took her virginity, the pain that gradually turned to pleasure as she was right
underneath me. Dammit I'm turned on just remembering the frst tme she gave me head. I crave her
sweet juicy lips. My phone rings disturbing my wayward thoughts. It's a blocked number and I answer as
my heart starts hammering in my chest.

“Hello?” my voice is hesitant and there's no response. But there's someone on the other line because I
can hear them breathing. And their breath hitches when I say hello. My heart thuds excitedly.

“Farrah baby is that you? Where are you? Can you hear me? I love you so much baby come back to
me…” my voice is breaking and the other caller hangs up and I'm lef staring at my phone.

Could it be my Freckle-face or someone is pranking me. I feel anger and I throw my phone on the foor.
Then I curse as I regret my stupidity. What if she calls back or texts? I pick up my phone and thanks to
the pouch that Farrah made me buy, I told her that was girly but she insisted on matching phone
pouches, the phone isn't smashed and its stll on.

There is no other phone call or text even as I lug my bag downstairs. I made sure to pack Farrah's journal
with me and her phone. The only things that were missing was her ankle bracelet and the necklace I
gave her. Everything else from her birth certfcate to her teddy bears was lef behind. Nathi packed all
her stuf and put it in a storage facility. I only took her journal and her phone. I fnd Khanyo downstairs
and he runs up to me as I fnish my descent and buries his face on my neck.

You are leaving me just like Farrah, he signs looking desolate. I feel my heart constrict.

I will come back with her, I sign back making a promise I am not sure I will be able to keep.

I try to chat with my family on my way to the airport because I don’t want them to worry. I also decide
to keep the call to myself in case it meant nothing. It's hard hugging my mom goodbye but its tme I
claimed my life back and become something that Freckle-face can be proud of. I wave to them tll I can't
see them anymore.

I'm sitng next to this annoying girl who keeps smiling and trying to chat me up, I didn’t even catch her
name. I'm not interested. I put my headphones on and press play on my IPod.

“Say Something I'm giving up on you…” the lyrics hit me hard, I would have followed her anywhere too
but I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye and maybe I should just give up on ever fnding her but my
heart won't allow me. I close my mind to the thoughts of my baby failing to cry out for help. No more
tears, no more depressing thoughts. It's tme I started living again and learn to live without her. I change
the playlist as the plane takes of.

******THE END*******