Behind-the-Times Comics

THE REMATCH

RATED UNPC - not recommended for overly

sensitive or humorless readers.

ISSUE 7
Do I really need to tell you not to try these
moves at home?

Reprinting this comic without written

permission by the owner is strictly prohibited.

(c) 2019- 2023 by Dan Graffeo

 Hello everybody from ...and with me is Still willing to apprise--
ringside, I’m Hal guest commentator,
Dhuwan coming to you Professor Karl
from Slidell, Louisiana....
Harpo.

Looks like Mrs. Stone gave you some

--that means enlighten--
those who aren’t hopelessly
ignorant.
enlightenment as far as what will happen if you
interfere in her matches again.
Mrs. Stone, the
outdated obdurate,
will be dealt with very
soon!

I favor standing.

Why don’t you sit down?

You can’t sit down because
you’re still recovering from
that baking sheet slam to
your (BLEEEP!) right?

Get on with the card,

plebeian!
Well, our card seems to be
lined with revenge all around.
Bullfrog gets his rematch
with Choi Ru with Li Ru
barred from ringside.
The amphibian will get
no retribution from the
tournament, I assure you.

Speaking of the tournament,

Whose current reign
Octane will be in action, his
will be ephemeral--
first match since coming
that means brief.
within a hair of being
International Champion.

Perhaps, but the title is not on the

With Nefremaat leading his minions,
line this time. Instead, Champion
victory is inevitable and when he pins
Taipan Taylor will join Theseus,
Taipan Taylor, we’ll all see that IWW
Lumberjack Jacques, Giuseppie
has a fluke of a champion.
Tortellini, and Heat Lightning in an
elimination match against Nefremaat
and his four minions.
Let’s go to ringside.

At the order of the Great This will hang on the wall of

Family of my country, we this building for all time. May
have decided to extend a it bring inspiration, joy, and
gesture of peace. class to your otherwise silly
culture.
HD: I don’t think Li Ru This match is scheduled for one
was expecting this fall. In the ring at this time with
reaction. his manager, Li Ru, from
Pyongyang, Korea, weighing 194
pounds...

His opponent, coming down

the aisle, from Hendry
County, Florida, weighing
346 pounds...

...Choi Ru!

...Bullfrog!
HD: Bullfrog coming down
the aisle in that
unconventional way of his.

KH: You mean moronic.

 HD: Referee ordering KH: Which is
Li Ru back to the uncalled for. She is a
locker room as is the manager and has
condition for this every right to be in
rematch. her brother’s corner.

HD: Managers aren’t

suppose to interfere in
matches.

KH: Very intelligent! Look

how Choi Ru doesn’t
waste a single second
after the bell rings.

HD: Didn’t seem to

have much effect on
Bullfrog.
 HD: Whoa! Look at that!
Picked him right up and
slammed him into the
turnbuckle.

HD: Looks like Bullfrog is looking to KH: The manner

end this one quickly. Choi Ru ended it
swiftly last time?
 HD: Cover... HD: ...hooks the leg...!

KH: No accolades. HD: Yes, I’m sure

that quick defeat
at the
tournament
weighs on
Bullfrog’s mind.

KH: Visualize what a flunkee

he’s going to feel like when
he’s defeated again.
 HD: Belly-to-belly suplex! He
doesn’t look like a flunkee to me.

HD: Two! KH: No, foot on the

rope. Sagacious action
by Choi Ru.

HD: A KH: As previously

thumb to stated.
the eye!
KH: Choi Ru HD: And Bullfrog
wisely following him.
rolling out
of the ring.

KH: How iniquitous! Why

can’t Choi Ru be allowed
to catch his breath?

HD: No time
out in
professional
wrestling.
 HD: We almost
had a double
count-out there,
which I don’t think
Bullfrog wants.

KH: HD:
Bullfrog OWWW!
should
take--

KH: YEA! KH: Cover him, Choi!

YEA! Cover him! Unus!
 KH: Tres!
KH: Duo!
Bullfrog is a
two-time loser!

The winner of this

match...CHOI RU!

KH: Choi Ru outsmarted

Bullfrog and beat him with the
same finishing move! What
athletic poetry at its finest!
HD: Winning doesn’t give him
and Li Ru the right to keep
beating on him!

KH: All is fair in lo--

WHO IS THAT?

HD: Whoever she is,

KH: Who is that! She has she’s making quick
no right being in there! work of the Ru
siblings!
 KH: It doesn’t
matter. Choi Ru
has proven he
can beat Bullfrog
anytime he wants.

Thirty-five hundred
dollars?!
No, thirty-five
hundred dollars,
plus Roy’s
hospital bill.

The planet is dying and

you’re worried over a We can’t have our staff
midget! Are you (BLEEEP!) getting assaulted.
kidding me?!
 Even though it was
pretty awesome TV.
And you’re paying that
because there’s no
Antarctic government
to bail you out.

There’s not even gonna be an Antarctica if you

people don’t start listening to me! Do you know
how much electricity it takes to make a microphone
work? Do you know how that impacts the planet?!

That doesn’t
mean you can
assault him.

He was warned. The

twerp shoulda just
used the solar-
powered microphone
like he was told to.
Frostbyt. Green.

You two s-s-s-s-

s-s-s suck!

Yeah, why don’t

you come say that
to our faces?

Maybe I will. As Almonds? Do you realize it takes a

soon as I finish my gallon of water to make one of those
almonds. almonds?! You drought-creating
(BLEEEP! BLEEEP!)
 What say we have a
Take it easy, skidmark. I’m mixed tag match? You
offering a solution to your and Frostbyt against me
problem with announcer and announcer Roy.
Roy. And that solution is
v-v-v-v-v-v-violence.

Are you out of your mind? I am not a

professional wrestler! I am a manager and
a citizen of the planet trying to create
positive social change! And I am not going
to put my body and mind in danger against
a man who is obviously bigger and stronger
than me and wants to use this match as an
excuse to bully me!

A mixed tag-team
means you’d only You’re on! You’re so
wrestle Roy. (BLEEEP!) on!
 Thanks for putting in a
good word for me with
Thanks for bailing me out.
management. I’m just
sorry you didn’t get the
win.

Tomorrow is another day. Besides, with Well, Great! I know just the
you here, it’s just like the old days. I sure, spot. It’s a few miles
ordered some grub. What say we go why not? from here by this
celebrate your signing with a picnic?
beautiful body of water.

You mean No, Honey Island Honey Island Yeah.

Lake Borgne? Swamp. Swamp? With
the gators and
the snakes and
the mosquitoes?
 You really take this
frog thing seriously,
huh?

Yeah.

I’m gonna have to

take a rain check on Hey Bullfrog, who’s
that. But if you ever your bodacious babe?
need--

Hi. Dixie Jo Porter.

Dixie Jo and I grew
up together before
I moved to Florida.
 Mr. 80s. And I’ll
tumble for you
Um…

Gotta go.
Got a little
man to train.
Thank you.

Why would he
want to tumble for
me?
 Well, hi there. I’m Dixie
Jo. What’s your---? AAAAAAAAARRRRGGH!

AAAAARRRRGGH! Hi. What’s her

deal? Hi. We
gotta talk.

This match is scheduled for one

fall. In the ring at this time, from ...The
Paris, France, weighing 217 Mime!
pounds...
 HD: I just want
His opponent, coming down the
to say quickly,
aisle, from Carson City, Nevada,
Carmen Soza
weighing 310 pounds...OCTANE! doing a great
job
announcing...

HD:...as Roy
Quentin recovers
from that
despicable
assault at the
hands of Frostbyt.

KH: Did you see

that? Did you
see that punt!
Holy (BLEEEP!)
 KH: Octane is going for
it! C8 H18 coming!

HD: Hardly
necessary.
He’s already
unconscious.

HD: Devasting
move!

KH: Performed by HD: An

an indignant man arrogant
who demands the cover.
title.
 HD: You can
count to a
hundred. The
Mime isn’t
getting up.

HD: It’s over. The winner of this

Just like that.
match...OCTANE!

HD: What is he
doing now? Leave KH: He’s
sending a
him alone! message.
 Taipan, here’s a look at
your future. Lumberjack
Jacques? I’m running you
over next!

HD: And now Octane,

drawing a frown with
the Mime’s own
blood. Despicable.

Heat, where Sorry, just talking

you been? to someone.

Well get focused. We got a battle Between Theseus’s whining and

ahead and I need you to help take out these hicks applauding a bumpkin
the minions so I can properly thank bilirubin, I need a mental
Nefremaat for what he did to my leg. cleansing. Let’s go to R-View.
 Thank you, thank you. Rhea, Ronda, you’re
looking beautiful as always.

Ladies and gentlemen,

here is Rhoda, Rhea, and
Ronda...R-VIEW!

So are you. And According to the latest polls,

we want to send 97% condemn Mrs. Stone’s
our well wishes to attack on Professor Harpo.
Professor Harpo,
who was the
victim of an
unprovoked attack
by that harpy, Mrs.
Stone.

Face it, Mrs. Stone. People

just don’t like you.
Mrs. Stone, like,
sucks.
 Absolutely. You know, we here at R-View According to my source, she
are trying to keep you people informed on graduated dead last at
who to praise and scorn. Because, let’s journalism school, so what do
face it, we can’t rely on Carmen Soza to do you expect?
any real work.

And that’s why we need another And we’re gonna bring out its editor-
outlet. Coming soon, will be the first in-chief. Please welcome
issue of IWW magazine. ….CEVIK EULET!
 Oh, isn’t he handsome?

Ok, first of all, I just wanna say you ... “oooo, oooo, oooo, they have no
three are not only brilliant, but you’re talent, oooo oooo oooo, they’re out of
brave. You know you got a lot of touch!” But that isn’t true.
ignorant people online saying...

Thank you so much. It’s very brave of

Ok, so IWW magazine is gonna be the
you to defend us. Now tell us about
epitome of objective journalism in the
IWW magazine.
world of professional wrestling. Now
take Theseus for example. He’s
running around like...
 ...like “oooo oooo oooo Nefremaat hurt my But that didn’t happen. Okay? I
looked into it and Nefremaat
leg, oooo oooo oooo!”
had nothing to do with it.

I did not know that.

What I do know is that That true. Now a lot of people
you graduated at the top online, all the trolls, they’re gonna
of your journalism class. be like...

... “oooo oooo oooo, Cevik Eulet never ...but that ain’t true.I did go to
went to journalism school, oooo oooo journalism school. And I graduated
oooo,”... at the top of my class.
We know you did and we’re looking That’s all the time we have today.
forward to seeing some objectivity And remember: be nice to each
around here for once. other.

My servants. You have a great task ahead. You must not only
achieve certain victory, but something even greater. You are to
thrash Taipan Taylor with all your strength, all your cruelty, and
all your energy!

Bruise him!
Break him!
 Let him crawl back to the locker And then, then when we meet one
room! on one, and the title is on the line,
and he’s still not fully recovered
from tonight’s beating...

The following contest is a ten-man

...the gold will be mine!
elimination match. Coming down
the aisle, from Valley of the Kings,
Egypt, here are ...APTERA, BADRU,
YUNY, and ZAAN...

...and their
Pharoah...NEFREMAAT!

KH: And there he is,

the top contender for
the International
Championship and he
has a sagacious battle
plan.
HD: He’s also going to KH: With his intellect
need a plan against and superior technical
Lumberjack Jacques wrestling, I foresee no
and Theseus, both of problems.
whom have scores to
settle with him.

And their opponents...

From Chatanooga, Tennessee,

weighing weighing 197
pounds...HEAT LIGHTNING!

KH: There he is,

Heat Lightning,
dashing to the ring
while this capacity
crowds cheers!
 From Chicago, Illinois,
From Athens, Greece,
weighing 245
weighing 228
pounds...GIUSEPPIE
pounds...THESEUS!
TORTELLINI!

And, from Hopevale, Queensland,

From Temiscaming, Quebec, Canada, Australia, weighing 308 pounds, the
420 pounds...LUMBERJACK IWW Champion...TAIPAN TAYLOR!
JACQUES!

HD: Taipan
Taylor being
seen for the
first time
with the gold
around his
waist.

KH: Get a close look. It

won’t last long.
 HD: We’re KH: Nefremaat’s
starting off with team clearly has the
Theseus and advantage. They
Badru in a tie-up. function as one unit.

KH: Whereas the other five simpletons

have never teamed up before.

HD: Badru with

an arm bar, but
Theseus
reverses it.
 HD: Badru may have made a mistake going for the
arm instead of going after Theseus’s injured leg.

HD: Tag made HD: Great

to Giuseppie teamwork
Tortellini. there.
 HD: Now Giuseppie
Tortellini continuing to
work on that arm.

HD: And a
tag made
to the
champion!

KH: And the

champion
already in
trouble.
KH: The Pharoah is HD: Badru
pleased. celebrating
too soon!

HD: And
there’s the
one-eighty
piledriver!

HD: Goodnight Badru.

 HD: The champion didn’t even take
his eyes off of Nefremaat.

KH: Don’t count Nefremaat

out yet. He still has 3 more
minions left.

KH: Excellent
punch by Yuni.

HD: But Taipan responds with a

hip toss.
 HD: Follows it up
with a neck
breaker.

HD: Tag made to Heat Lightning and

Heat flies in with a dropkick!

HD: Quick HD:

cover! Two!
 KH: It’s going to take a
HD: Close.
lot more than that to
beat these minions.

HD: Heat Lightining not

wasting time as he goes off
the ropes.

HD: Leaps up and a

hurricanrana!
 KH: Roll
outta the
way!

HD:
Legdrop! Is
he going for
the cover?

HD: No, a
KH: And Nefremaat
quick tag to
providing assistance!
Theseus and
The tide is turning.
Theseus going
to the top
rope!
 HD: I think Yuni
is wasting too
much time.

KH: He knows
what he’s doing.
Excellent
kneedrop.

KH: Picking KH: Belly to

him up by back suplex!
the hair.
Very
amusing.
HD: Theseus
countered it!

HD: A rollup!

HD: Into a
bridge!
 HD: Look at
HD: He got him! Nefremaat’s
frustration. He’s down
two men.

KH: Aptera not

wasting any
time as he
delivers a big
elbow.

KH: Now he HD: Off to a

needs to keep good start as
Theseus from he scoops
tagging out. Theseus up.
HD: And a
hard slam
to the
canvas.

KH: That’s it, Aptera.

Wear him down, don’t
let him tag out.

HD: Nefremaat may be

down to one man if Aptera
doesn’t release that
chokehold.
HD: Aptera throwing
Theseus off the
ropes, perhaps
sensing a victory.

HD: No! Theseus slides KH: Don’t let him

between his legs! tag out!

HD: Flying double ax

handle right between
the eyes!
 HD: I think he’s out
cold! HD: Two!

HD: Three!

HD: Look at Lumberjack Jacques.

He’s aching to get another piece of
Nefremaat after their previous
controversial match
 KH: He saw Nefremaat
KH: The
wounded and a weapon
referee’s
in Jacques’s hand. What
decision is final.
would you think?

HD: I would think KH: His

Nefremaat would do plan
anything for a title worked
shot, including I
breaking the rules. declare.

HD: Look at the power display by

Jacques, lifting up a 285 pound man
like a rag doll!
 HD: Nefremaat hurled
halfway across the ring!

KH: Leading him by the beard? HD: Tag made to

That’s uncouth! Giuseppie
Tortellini.
 HD: Look at that! Zaan grabbing
Giuseppie from behind!

HD: Double clotheline!

KH: That’s
called
“Teamwork.”

HD: You
mean
double-
teaming.

HD: Oh, it
backfired!
Nefremaat nails
his own minion!
HD: Giuseppie with KH: Turn around
a backstabber! Now Nefremaat!
he’s going to the
top!

HD: High cross body!

 HD: The
momentum
carried
Nefremaat
over!

HD: He’s got a

handful of
tights, Referee!

KH: A count of
three! KH: Yet another loss for this bozo!
HD: Nefremaat
still has a long
way to go.

HD: Heat Lightning HD: Two!

with a roll-up!

KH: Nefremaat is
HD: Almost.
still in this game,
Dhuwan. Don’t
underestimate him.
 HD: And KH: Nefremaat
there’s Zaan setting him up
interfering for a suplex.
again!

KH: Into a jackhammer! Did you

see how long he had Heat up?
 KH: Goodnight, Heat
Lightning.

KH: Beautifully executed.

HD: No, he got the

shoulder up! Heat
Lightning, not easy
to beat.

HD: Tag made to

the minion, Zaan.

KH: Executing a
slingshot!
 HD: Heat Lightning
brought the knees
up! Now he’s going
for a tag.

KH: Stop him, Zaan! HD: Oh wait,

If he makes a tag, he’s not going
Nefremaat could be for a tag. I think
in trouble. he’s going to the
top.

HD: He may
be going for KH: What is
that flip Jacques
dropkick of implying?
his
HD: Look at this! Heat
Lightning perched on
Lumberjack Jacques’s
massive shoulders!

HD: And the flip

dropkick connects!
HD: One! HD: Two!

HD: Good-bye,
Zaan!

KH: That’s not fair! HD: And at least

They can’t expect three of them have
Nefremaat to engage scores to settle
four opponents. with him.
 KH: Good for you, Nefremaat.
You have nothing to prove to
these savages.
HD:
Where is
he going?

HD: I thought he HD: The champion is even

wanted to take on the telling him to come back.
champion.

KH: He’s
already
procured a
title match.

KH: So he can go into his KH: Taipan, no doubt,

title match potentially wants that.
injured?

HD: That
was
Nefremaat’s
plan,
remember?
 KH: He’s
keeping KH: The
healthy for matter is
his title closed.
match.

HD: You can say

that again. He
just got counted
out.

Ladies and gentlemen, here are your

winners: Lumberjack Jacques,
Theseus, Heat Lightning and the IWW
Champion, Taipan Taylor!
 Taipan Taylor’s team
victorious but will Hey guys, great going
lightning strike twice out there.
when he faces Nefremaat
one on one?
That question
is as absurd as
your
commentary.
I’m wasting
my time here!

Thanks, mate. I only wish the

referee had seen Nefremaat hook
your trunks.
 You may have been eliminated, but
Sorry, my fault. you showed a lot of heart and skill
out there, mate. Your day will come.

Let’s all go celebrate. Steak dinners on

me!

I’ll catch up.

I just want
to tell them
about the
broken
portrait.