LEADERSHIP

The Art Of Giving And

Receiving Feedback

Monica Kang
Former Forbes Councils Member
Forbes Coaches Council
COUNCIL POST| Membership (Fee-Based)
POST WRITTEN BY
Monica Kang

May 5, 2020,07:20am EDT

Photo:GETTY

Giving and receiving feedback is hard. Despite good

intentions, we’ve hurt others and we’ve been discouraged by
others. Words are powerful.
Maya Angelou said, “People will never forget how you made
them feel.”

I’ve experienced this myself — and continue to do so. While

I love collecting feedback as a way to help me improve, I’ve
also had moments when feedback makes me feel attacked or
hugely misunderstood. I intellectually know I shouldn’t take
it personally and should focus on the objective learning
opportunity. But I always wonder how we can be more
graceful in the way we give and receive feedback so we can
avoid feeling like we are on an emotional roller coaster.
Is it the receiver’s fault for not objectively hearing great
advice shared with good intention? Is it the giver’s fault for
not sharing feedback in a more thoughtful or sensitive
manner? Here are three points that got me curious about
how we can rethink the art of feedback exchange.
1. Empathy: See things from the other person’s perspective
before reacting. Give the benefit of the doubt first.
• Why do you feel it is important to share this feedback now?
• How will your message come across to this person if you
share it now?
As my friend says, “Commenting is easier than creating.” We
often say things without considering what the person on the
other end may be going through. Before sending that long,
passive-aggressive email about why someone was late to a
meeting, what if we checked in with our colleague to see if
everything is ok? Before talking about all the things you
disliked about the conference, what if we asked why these
areas felt lacking to us or if we considered the constraints
and challenges the event organizers were facing? When we
come from the assumption “I know this person has good
intentions,” our willingness to hear different opinions opens
up.
2. Intentions: Acknowledge that our feedback or our
reaction is rooted in our lens, not theirs. Ask if your
intention to share is selfish or selfless.
• Why am I feeling this way about the opinion he/she has of
____?
• Why am I feeling this way about ____ and feeling the urge
to share my reactions?
I explored these very questions after I became angry at a
conference host who organized a gathering. I felt like his
efforts were fake — that the way he was organizing the
community event felt selfish and top-down driven, instead
of community-driven. A group of us went across the street
after the event to discuss our concerns over coffee. We
realized our anger was the result of the fact that we care
deeply about authentic community building and that we’ve
seen too many leaders in the past who don’t walk their talk.
We judged our host harshly because we thought he was like
them, too. While he’s not perfect (none of us are), we
recognized that he’s human and that his intentions were in a
good place. This experience taught me how important it is to
seek to understand the full picture before I share my
opinions — why am I feeling this, why do I care and how
would sharing this help versus letting me just feel heard?
I think about this scenario since I’ve begun to speak and
write more regularly. Despite my good intentions, I’ve upset
some people. I’ve come to realize how important it is to first
understand where they are coming from. I can’t control
what they say, but I can be curious about why they felt it and
how I might communicate differently. In some cases, the
comments are hurtful. I try to focus on healing, processing
and remembering that each instance of negative feedback is
a gift of learning. I can choose to embrace it or ignore it
because it is one opinion out of many that I’m collecting to
grow and be a better person.
3. Actionability: What change are you hoping to see as a
result of this conversation? Tying the loop back to future
improvement and understanding will help both parties look
forward.
• What are you hoping to accomplish by discussing the
feedback he/she shared with you?
• What are you hoping to accomplish by giving this feedback
to him/her now?
Feedback is exchanged to address areas where we can
improve. Your conversation should focus on how both
parties channel this into a positive learning moment and
move forward with a strong solution. For example, when you
learn that your colleague felt unsupported by being left
alone with the client, can you make the necessary schedule
changes to be at the next meeting? Action steps should be
co-created because the behavior of both parties is likely
causing the need to have this tough conversation. When we
show that we are willing to put in the effort to change, we
are likely able to make room for improvement.
In the end, intention is key (registration required): You start
with good intention, and you trust that the other is
responding in good intention. At work, we feel most
validated when we are appreciated and understood.
Avoiding the temptation to use social media to criticize or
give negative feedback can be difficult, but it is more
compassionate and productive to have a raw and honest
conversation in person — not in a group, not via email, but
1:1 over the video, phone or in person. You can still walk
away disagreeing but will do so in a respectful and
appreciated manner. As Kim Scott said in her book Radical
Candor, “The way you ask for criticism and react when you
get it goes a long way toward building trust — or destroying
it.”