Understanding Pakistani Marriage It was a gray Friday morning when I met with my friend “L” at the

Kwantlen surrey campus in the library. I suggested that we sit outside, despite it being cloudy and
slightly windy. We chose to sit on a bench on opposite sides. I could tell that “L” was nervous and
tense from her body language, facial expression, and her choppy sentences that were not at all like
her easy going self. I reassured her multiple times throughout the interview, which seemed to have
helped her relax. I chose “L” and the topic of marriage to conduct an ethnographic interview with the
intention to understand the Pakistani marriage practices in terms of dowry, arranged marriages, and
cousin marriages as these practices are often criticized and seen as backwards or even uncivilized.
These conclusions are made without attempting to understand the meaning behind these practices
which has created false stereotypes and misconceptions about the Pakistani culture and people. I
began with greeting her and asking her how she was, and then I explained all details regarding the
interview and its confidentiality. She gave me her consent in the form of a signature. I began to ask
her the questions I had prepared in order. I learned that her perspective on marriage had changed
and developed as she grew older, moved to Canada, and adjusted to the Canadian culture which she
did while maintaining her cultural identity. She told me about how it was challenging to hold on to
her cultural and religious beliefs regarding marriage in the western Canadian culture (Musab). I asked
her to explain and describe the traditional marriage process to me. She told me that marriages are
usually arranged by parents, and that fathers felt it was their responsibilities to find a suitable spouse
for their daughters (Musab). This was out of love, “L” told me contrary to western beliefs. The
parent’s choice is based on a number of factors such as the social and PAKISTANI MARRIAGE
economic status of the person and their family, and how attractive and suitable they are for their
child (Musab). “L” told me that these practices had changed and relaxed. The families meet, and the
groom’s family asks for the bride’s family for her hand in marriage for their son (Musab). “L”
mentioned here that although it is the elders in the two family who discuss the marriage and that the
fathers are said to be the ones to choose the spouse, the mothers have great influence on the
decision. She also informed me that it was common for the couple to only meet once before getting
married, and in some cases the families would stress that they get married before they even sit
together (Musab). I could tell from “L”’s exasperated and disbelieving tone that she did not approve
of this, but she explained that this was because of religious, and conservative cultural beliefs. This is
because sex outside of the context of marriage is both regarded as a sin and a social taboo in the
Pakistani culture and contact between the two opposite sex’s is seen as a threat to one’s virtue and
moral character. I then asked her to give me a detailed description of the marriage ceremonies. She
told me that after the families meet and accept one another that there was a number of ceremonies
and parties that take place to celebrate the marriage. This is the section of the interview in which “L”
began to relax and even show enjoyment in sharing. In summary there are three main ceremonies.
The first is called Mayaan and it is a pre-wedding celebration. The second is called Barat and it is the
ceremony in which the legal and religious marriage called the nikah takes place. These two
ceremonies are funded and organized by the bride’s family and they also tend to pay for her dowry,
which usually consists of clothing (Musab). The final ceremony, the Walimah, is held by the groom’s
family. the bride is gifted gold from the groom and a sum is written in the marriage contract that is to
be payed to the bride in the case of a divorce. The money and the gold are seen as an insurance for
the bride (Musab). “L” here mentioned that the dowry is not seen as the price PAKISTANI MARRIAGE
of the bride, and that this view is false as it is a gift. I found out that polyandry is not practiced, and
although polygamy is, it is frowned upon, and so is divorce (Musab). The interview ended, and we
went our separate ways. I was left with much to think about, such as the great importance placed on
the families accepting one another in a number of symbolic ceremonies. Especially through the
public gift giving of clothing from the bride’s family to the groom and his family during the Barat
ceremony that was meant symbolised welcoming them into the family. it seemed that the marriage
was a tie between the two families; however, the prewedding parties are seen as goodbye parties for
the bride because she is going to leave and become part of her husband’s family. I believe this is due
to them being patrilineal and patrilocal. In order to understand this from an anthropological
perspective I need to also consider that cousin marriages are common. According to “L”, cousins
marry in order to keep the family close and strengthen the bond between the sibling parents of the
married couple, and it is not a rule. This according to Melford E. Spiro (1964) is a custom that allows
cousin marriage but does not order it, so they do it because they want to, and to satisfy a social
function, which is a personal need. The function would be to strengthen the family ties. This explains
the cousin marriage practice in the Pakistani culture, but there could possibly be some social,
cultural, and family influence and pressure involved. This may also be explained with Claude Lévi-
Strauss alliance theory, which states that kinship is built on alliances made through marriage, and the
exchange of women. The descent theory that states that kinship is built on decent (Carsten,2012) can
explain it as well. However, both theories in a sense contradict one another and they cannot take in
the complexity of the family structure in this situation. Kinship is likely built on something that simply
cannot be measured as both theories overlap and do not fully explain the practices in this situation.
PAKISTANI MARRIAGE The last practice that draws a number of questions is the exchange that occurs
at the time of marriage, which consists of money or something of monetary value that is referred to
as a dowry in this case. This is a custom practiced by a number of different cultures for different
reasons and its own rules. In this particular situation money is gifted to the bride from her parents.
The kin selection theory is as a possible explanation for the parents giving their bride daughter a
dowry as it states that the parents attempt to increase their daughters’ chances of surviving by giving
the couple the dowry. By doing this they are insuring the survival of their genes (R. Huber, F. Danaher
& L. Breedlove, 2011). However, the money in this case is only given to the daughter so, and it could
also simply be that the parents are providing for their daughter or that they are giving their daughter
a wedding gift. It is a rich culture with much to appreciate, and a lot to understand as many of their
practices may seem backwards in a western society. Furthermore, understanding the reasons and
meaning of the practices show that they are logical and valid in their situation. One cannot judge a
culture and its practices without attempting to understand them. Understanding this culture has
actually cast a new light on my own, and I find that I now understand my owe culture’s marriage
practices better.