Sibling Rivalry refers to the hostility and jealousy that brothers and sisters develop toward one another.

With two or more children in a family, there will always be some degree of bickering or arguing.
Quarreling among siblings is one of the most common family annoyances. Parents often feel
disappointed about this since they believe it reflects the lack of happy, harmonious relationship in the
home. However, bickering represents a normal developmental stage. Two years old hit, push, and grab,
while older children tease and are verbally abusive to each other at times.

Although squabbling, teasing, and competition among siblings must be considered normal, some
children develop antagonism or indifference to each other which often lasts a lifetime, Others form deep
attachments from the early years.

Typically, siblings show a liking and loyalty to each other which outlasts minor irritations. Thus, rivalry
can be considered normal if the siblings share mutual satisfaction as well as frustrations, if they don't
become overwhelmed by violent impulses and engage in life-threatening attacks on one another, if they
don't harbor grudges, and if they don't react to every putdown as if it were a catastrophe.

Studies show that children tend to become more competitive and rivalrous with increased age. So
expect your 8 year olds to be more rivalrous than your 4 year olds, and 12 year olds to be even more
competitive than 8 year olds. Rivalry is usually most prevalent in older siblings when they are fairly close
in age (1 or 2 years) and when all are within the middle childhood years (8-12). Rivalry also tends to be
greatest with two children of the same sex. Often the older child feels "replaced" by the younger. If the
oldest is serious, hard working, and high achieving, the younger child is likely to seek a separate identity
by becoming happy-go-lucky, sociable, and unconventional.

Minor squabbling among siblings can have a positive aspect. It can teach them how to defend
themselves, stand up for their own rights, express their feelings, and resolve conflicts. Harmless teasing
can also be a way of having fun together.

However, when sibling rivalry becomes excessive, it is time for the parents to intervene quickly.
Excessive rivalry refers to fighting that is too frequent and/or too intense (bitter). Parents should not
tolerate frequent destructive teasing wherein the goal is to make fun of the other and tear down the
other's self-esteem. If one child has low self-regard anyway, this type of teasing can become very
harmful. Once a teasing and squabbling pattern is well entrenched, almost any behavior, including just
looking at one another, can trigger off a fight. These children are also eager to tattle so as to get the
other into trouble. Of course, physical attacks or fights between siblings should not be allowed by
parents under any circumstances. Although there is growing recognition in this country of the need to
control child- and spouse-abuse, sibling-abuse (violence against one sibling by another) is just as serious
a problem. In brief, parents need to take sibling rivalry seriously and protect their children from all forms
of abuse by one another, including both psychological abuse (endless bickering, belittling, and battling)
and physical abuse (violent acts).

Reasons Why
Among the more obvious reasons siblings feel jealousy and hostility toward one another are as follows.

1. Children depend so much on their parents for love, attention, and fulfillment of their needs that they
do not like to share their parents with anyone.

2. There are normal conflicts and disagreements which result from close living with other people for
extended periods.

3. Parental favoritism toward one child can spark resentment in the other children. In this regard, the
Bible records the murder of Abel by his brother Cain due to jealousy over parental favoritism.

4. Sometimes hostile feelings toward parents are taken out on younger siblings.

5. Older siblings may be acting out a parent's unconscious dislike or rejection of a younger child.

6. When one sibling is clearly inferior in talent to another sibling who is close in age and of the same sex,
the less well-endowed child tends to show more hostility toward the other. For example, if one sibling
has to live in the shadow of the achievements of a talented sibling, then he tends to feel robbed of his
individuality. In this situation he feels that all of his actions and accomplishments are being compared
with those of the other sibling.

How to Prevent

The following strategies can help head off some sibling rivalry.

Love Uniquely. Make each child feel loved and valued for himself. Make an extra effort to do this if one
sibling is not as talented or attractive as the others. Show unconditional love for the less successful child,
frequently express affection, point out her unique qualities, and help her find new roles in which she can
gain family recognition and self-esteem. Try to love each child in a unique and special way.

Treat All Children Fairly. Avoid comparing one child with another, such as by saying, "Why don't you
work hard in school like your sister?" We resent it when another is held up as an ideal. Avoid having
obvious favorites among your children. Appreciate the uniqueness and differing abilities of each child.
Become more aware of subtle signs of favoritism such as:

1. Calling one child by endearing terms more often.

2. Getting along better with one child.

3. Babying one sibling.

4. Constantly belittling one child's interests, abilities, or performance.

5. Spending more time with one child.

6. Laughing more or talking more with one child.

7. Spending more money on one child (better clothes, more private lessons, more expensive college).

Do not rely on your judgment in this regard but regularly ask your children if they feel that you have a
favorite.

Prepare Child for New Baby. Be sure to inform your children of the expected birth of a sibling well in
advance. Let the siblings help with the new baby, and give them the feeling that this is their baby too.
Gifts should be bought for all the children, not just the new baby. Tell the children that a new baby
means lots of work for you; if they ever feel you are not playing with or loving them enough, they should
be sure to tell you so that you can give them extra love and attention. Expect your children to show
some resentment toward the new baby and/or step back into babyish ways. Do not criticize or punish
them for this. Listen, be supportive, and reassure them of your love.

Individualize. Recognize that each child is different. You may give one more time because she requests
it, another more compliments--but only earned ones-because he needs them, and a third a book or a
tennis racquet because she will make good use of it. Don't buy all your children the same gift when you
return from a trip. Individualize toys to meet the interests of each child. Don't insist upon the same
bedtime for everyone. The older children will usually want to stay up later because they need less sleep.

Time Alone. Reserve some time each day to be with each child alone. Let the child be the center of your
attention. Be his special friend for a short time. Don't talk about your other children. Rather, let that
child be your only child for that time. This is the time for listening, caring, and mutual enjoyment.
Remember that middle children, in particular, tend to suffer from parental neglect. The more you give of
yourself to your children, the less they will have to compete for your attention.

Space Children. Sibling rivalry tends to be minimized when children are spaced 3½ to 5 years apart. By
age 3 a child has started to learn to share parental attention, and much of the rivalry can be avoided.

Provide Privacy. Give each child as much privacy as possible. Try to arrange for separate bedrooms and
closets. The more physical space there is in a house, the more likely conflict among children will be
reduced. Encourage all family members to respect the privacy of the others.

Separate Ways. Encourage your children to have separate experiences. Living in close proximity to
others for extended periods can lead to friction, as testified by submariners when forced to live together
in a confined space for a long voyage. Do not ask older siblings to always let one of the younger ones
"tag along" with them. Arrange for the children to spend several hours a day apart. Encourage different
pursuits, different schedules, and different companions. A certain amount of physical separation fosters
separate identities and helps reduce friction.

Teach Property Rights. Teach respect for private property early and train your children to ask rather
than use the possessions of another child without permission. Try to minimize children having to share
property such as toys and radios. Do not force the children to share their personal property.

Family Activities. Arrange for frequent family group activities of a fun nature, such as picnics, parties,
and games. Having fun as a family builds up positive feelings which help counteract the negative ones.
Establish a System. Clearly define household chores and responsibilities (who does what and when).
Arrange chores so children are not in each other's way. Rotate work assignments, and see to it that one
child does not get all the good chores, while the others get the "dirty work." Label and clearly identify
which toys and possessions belong to each child. Set a time limit (10 minutes) on how long children may
talk on the phone.

Family Council. Set up a family council. This means that at certain times the whole family meets for
discussion, sharing, griping, and planning. Children can ventilate feelings at these times and be assured
of a fair hearing.

Parental Example. Your relationship with your spouse sets the example for all family interactions. Do you
typically model for your children warmth, consideration, and constructive problem solving?

No Tattling. Instruct your children that we all do things wrong and that it is best to overlook much of
this. Constantly telling parents about little things is called "tattling," and this tends to make life
unpleasant in a family. Of course you need to know about serious misbehavior (e.g., hitting).

Avoid Overprotection. Don't be overprotective of the youngest child in the family. She has to learn to
respect the rights of others and to share your attention.

No Surrogate Parents. Do not force your older children to babysit or assume an adult role in caring for
the younger children. If the older ones often correct and criticize the younger ones, be understanding
but explain that it is your job to train and correct the children.

Concern for Others. Teach your children the basic values of cooperation, sharing, and family
cohesiveness. Show them that you value these virtues as much as competitiveness and individuality.
Encourage your children to strive for the good of the family and not just for personal advancement or
enjoymnent. Compare your family to an athletic team, and point out that best results are achieved when
members assist one another in striving for common goals. Insist that your children be empathic to each
other and consider how their behavior makes the other person feel. Reward unselfish acts by
Commendation and occasionally by some concrete reward. Teach good sportsmanship in games and
athletic contests. Remember the observation of Charles L. Lucas: "Civilization is just a slow process of
learning to be kind."

What to Do

The following procedures have been found useful in reducing arguing and fighting among siblings of all
ages. Typically parents use a combination of these

techniques.

Ignore. If the children seem evenly matched, it seems wise to let them settle minor squabbles on their
own. In this way they learn to fight their own battles without undue dependence on adults. By
completely overlooking minor hassles, you will find that when you do intervene, it will tend to be more
effective.
Referee, You can help the children settle a number of their differences by acting as an impartial
negotiator. In most instances it will not be clear who is at fault. Rather than attempting to fix blame,
your role in these instances will be to help the children resolve the conflict themselves, Initially, you will
have to sit with the children and teach them effective problem-solving skills, such as the following.

Express angry feelings. Teach the childien how to express feelings of anger or annoyance directly to each
other. Letting angry feelings out is better than forcing them underground. Don't make children deny that
they really hate their brother or sister at that moment. Letting your children know you understand helps
them feel less guilty about their strong feelings. Tell the children that these feelings are normal. Instruct
them that cach should be assertive (state what their rights, needs, and feelings are) but not aggressive
(no name calling, yelling, threatening, hitting) with the other.

Mutual problem solving. Encourage them to work out a solution. Frequently their ideas are much more
fair, and their understanding of each other's motives more correct than yours. Each child should try to
think of several possible solutions. Advise them that an effective solution often involves compromise in
order to meet the needs of all concerned. Appeal to their strong sense of justice and fairness. If the
children are too upset to negotiate, let them sit and cool off for a while.

Takes two to fight. Teach your children that they have a choice to accept or decline the invitation of the
other to fight. The next time a sibling teases them, all they have to say is, "I'm sorry you feel that way,"
and pay no further attention. By teaching the above skills, you give the children an alternative to
aggression for solving conflicts. Once you have taught these skills, your role as referee will be one of
encouragement. Show confidence in the ability of the children to solve their difficulty by saying, "I know
you'll find a way to satisfy both your needs. Let me know what you decide," or "I'm sure you two will
work it out."

Judge. When you have reason to believe one child is clearly to blame or the children are not able to
solve the problem themselves, you may have to act as judge and jury. Bring the children together for a
face-to-face hearing, or talk to each child separately. Be sure you hear both sides of the issue. Restate
the conflict in your own words, and ask both children if you restated it fairly. Make sure all the opinions
are clearly known, the arguments reviewed, and the decision, when reached, clearly understood by both
children. Avoid taking sides predictably or constantly.

The noted child psychologist Haim Ginott3 recommends that when you are gathering the facts, you ask
the children to tell you what happened in writing. In 100 words or more, they should describe how it
started, how it developed, what was said, and at the end include their personal recommendation for the
future. Spelling doesn't count. Ginott reports that children do not always comply with this suggestion,
but they always quiet down after it is made. Many parents find that children choose to settle their
conflict, rather than write about it.

Once you have the facts, be fair, firm, and calm in giving your decision. For example, you might say,
"Joan, the bike belongs to Helen, your older sister. You must ask her before you ride it. It is hers. Helen,
be good to Joan. Sometimes you like to play with her toys." Children set great store by justice, and they
also like order and control.
Sometimes it will be necessary to penalize a child who is bullying or disruptive to others by sending her
to a time-out area for 5-10 minutes.

Group Rewards and Penalties This is a very popular procedure with parents who have tried it. It
climinates the need to fix blame which is difficult to do in most cases. Often the teaser secretly
welcomes and subtly provokes the teasing so as to get the other child In trouble.

Rewards. When two siblings are constantly fighting, say to them, "Look, if you two play together this
afternoon without either of you hitting, fighting, or calling names, I'm going to give you both a surprise. I
can't tell you what the surprise is now, but it will be something you both like. If I hear absolutely no
fighting of any kind for the next 2 hours, then you both get the surprise. But if either of you starts
arguing, then nobody gets the surprise, no matter who starts it. Do you understand?" As rewards, you
might give each one a favorile snack, small toy, or trip to the park.

An alternative procedure involves setling the kitchen timer for variable intervals of time. When the bell
rings on the timer, check to see if the children are getting along well. If they are, praise them or give a
small reward.

The trick in rewarding cooperative play is to remind yourself to do it, since most parents are in the habit
of attending primarily to negative interactions.

Penalties. Next time the children fight, say, "Now listen, since you can't get along peacefully together,
you'll have to be apart. Each of you go to a separate room and stay there for 5 minutes. The kitchen
timer will ring to signal you to come back. If you start fighting again when you return, you'll have to go to
the time-out rooms again for a longer period. I don't care who started this; I'm finishing it. We can't have
this yelling and fighting all the time."

Similarly, if the children are arguing over a toy or possession, take the object and tell them that they can
have it back when they decide who is to get the object. If they squabble over the TV, say, "O.K., From
now on, nobody watches TV until you decide who's going to watch what shows. All of you together
decide in your bedrooms. Nobody is to turn on the TV, at any time of day, until you can tell me what
you've agreed on." Remember that the application of group penalties gives everyone a reason to make
peace.

Release Anger. A certain amount of aggression in every child must be allowed to come out. Haim Ginott
suggests that a jealous older child who hits the baby be given n a baby doll and allowed to hit or spank it
to release anger. In another instance he advises parents to say to a child, "If you want to, you can throw
stones at the tree and pretend it's your sister. If you want to, you can even draw her on paper, stick it on
the tree, and then throw stones, but she is not to be hurt," Some parents encourage an angry child to hit
a pillowcase stuffed with soft clothes which is hung from the basement ceiling.

Set Limits. Make clear to your children, in no uncertain terms, that you will not allow them to harm
each other physically (hitting) or with words (name calling, ridicule), Under no circumstances, then, will
you tolerate physical violence between your children or any destructive teasing. As a general guideline
do not allow your children to treat each other in ways that you would not tolerate if they were someone
else's children. Do not permit violence in the family by condoning the belief that if someone is doing
wrong, and "won't listen to reason," it is acceptable to hit that person.

Distraction. Your children may need more adult supervision of their play. Quietly join the group. Your
presence alone may reduce tension. You might suggest a new game or see further possibilities in the old
one. Saying, "How about this puzzle, does anyone want to solve it?" might arouse interest in a
constructive activity and diminish hostility.

Understand the Causes. Make a serious effort to understand the causes underlying destructive teasing.
Eliminate all realistic reasons for one child to feel jealousy or resentment toward the others.

Separate. If two children are hopelessly abrasive to each other, consider adjusting their schedules (meal
times, homework, leisure) in a manner that will keep them out of each other's way.

Case Report

Two brothers, ages 7 and 4, were engaged in an extreme form of sibling rivalry. Almost every look and
gesture were grounds for verbal or physical battle. They continuously competed for attention from
adults and children. The parents were most cooperative with a therapist's recommendation and tried
two new techniques. For the younger boy, helping the child express his feelings in words had the effect
of lessening the intensity of his feelings. Both parents focused upon his strong feelings and verbalized
what they thought he felt. Particularly effective was their expressing his feelings of being picked on and
of everyone being unfair to him. It was necessary to prevent the parents from moralizing, which was
their usual behavior. Reflection of feelings was explained as a necessary and sufficient means of
demonstrating their empathy for their son's feelings. The older boy required specific instructions to cool
off and not to always respond in an excited, defensive manner. Additionally, cooperative play and
friendly conversation were reinforced by the parents. They were told to praise this behavior in a natural
and positive manner and to give an occasional concrete reward. The previous parental pattern was
broken, wherein they had been moralizing the need for good behavior, focusing on rivalrous behavior by
negative attention, and not mentioning or praising appropriate cooperative behavior. The boys had
many periods of cooperative, friendly behavior, and their rivalry diminished to a more acceptable level.