Cast of Characters The Farmer The Killist Miss Emily Sheriff Winslow Stick The Townsperson Dick Stallion

Maw Paw Chief Rain-Snow Place A dry, lonely town in the middle of nowhere in the Old West. Time Back in them olden days. High noon.

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The Killist
by Emmett Loverde
Scene 1
SCENE: The Old West. Every clich is true. Hot wind wails across an empty desert (whatever that sounds like). A battered signpost points to BONE DRY, THAT-A-WAY (stage right). A shifty-looking FARMER is sneaking across the stage from stage right. He is clearly nervous about being followed.

AT RISE:

(Out of the shadows steps THE KILLIST, a dangerous-looking fellow.) KILLIST. You there. FARMER. How do, Mister? Youre not from around these parts. KILLIST What parts are these? FARMER. Like the butcher always says, Parts is parts. KILLIST. (Cocks gun and points it at FARMER.) Ill ask again FARMER. N-no need to get huffy, Mister! Just making friendly conversation. KILLIST. Where am I? FARMER. About five miles up yonder that-a-way is Bone Dry, Arizonathe purtiest little town you ever did see! KILLIST. If its so purty, why are you sneaking away? FARMER. Aint sneakin nowhere. I gots to work this here field if me and the wife are gonna make it through the winter. KILLIST. This fields dead. It looks like nothing ever grew here. FARMER. Yep. Late start this morning. KILLIST. Its November. FARMER. Late start this year.
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KILLIST. How do you and the wife survive? FARMER. IwellI been busy with that there other field over yonder. Nice crop, that was. KILLIST. That fields empty, too. FARMER. Nothe other fieldover the hill! KILLIST. There are no hills. Ive never seen anyplace so flat. (Points gun again.) You havent worked at all, have you? FARMER. Okay, okay! I aint worked none nohow! Now would you put away your dang gun? KILLIST. What have you been doing? FARMER. Playin cards. KILLIST. Is this even your field? FARMER. (Ashamed:) No. KILLIST. You owe somebody in town, and youve got nothing left to hock, so you figured youd just walk across the desert. FARMER. Perfect day for it. KILLIST. And your wife? FARMER. Hocked her, too. KILLIST. Youre a pathetic, sorry little man. FARMER. I feel so awful! (Sniffs sadly.) But talking to you, why, Im sure feeling better. Are you a priest? KILLIST. (Fires.) Nope. FARMER. (Dying:) Youshotme KILLIST. Thats what I do. (The FARMER falls to the ground.) Im The Killist. FARMER. (Almost gone:) Neverheard of you KILLIST. (Ominously:) You will. FARMER. (Gasping breath:) When? I wont lastmuch longer KILLIST. Soon. With your help, everyone around here will know my name.

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FARMER. (Curtains:) But I wont be here KILLIST. Theyll point at me and whisper, There goes the Killist, the meanest, toughest, smartest, orneryest outlaw in the Old West. FARMER. (Last breath:) Is orneryest a word? KILLIST. That's enough small talk. Now run along and tell everybody youve been killed by The Killist! FARMER. (Death rattle:) That taint possible now, Killist I'ma goner (Dies.) (No answer. Maybe the wind whistles.) KILLIST. (Frustrated:) I keep doing that. End of Scene

Scene 2
SCENE: AT RISE: The Sheriffs office. A desk, a chair, a door, a window, and an empty jail cell. SHERIFF STICK is behind his desk. Angry shouting can be heard through an open window.

(MISS EMILY barges in.) MISS EMILY. Sheriff, Sheriff! Come quick! The townspeoples awful grumpy! SHERIFF. Now, now, Miss Emily, what in tarnation is going on? MISS EMILY. Nears I can tell, Sheriff, theys sick of being thirsty! SHERIFF. Well, this is Bone Dry, Arizona, and we all knew what we was in fer when we moved here. MISS EMILY. No we didnt! Theres hardly any water fit to drink for miles. SHERIFF. I adjusted my bodily needs and expectations when I read the brochure. Why didnt everybody else? MISS EMILY. The brochure? What brochure? SHERIFF. (Whips out brochure.) This one. Sure is purty. MISS EMILY. Let me see that. (Snatches brochure and reads:) Please note that this town is very dry and you could die. Nobody wants to

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move to a town and just die! SHERIFF. This is the Old West. You die. MISS EMILY. But what about the babies? SHERIFF. Thats all you women-folk care aboutthe babies! What about the babies?? MISS EMILY. Theys dyin, too. SHERIFF. Well have more! MISS EMILY. But the men-folk is dyin so theres nobody to have babies with! SHERIFF. Thats ridiculous! I went into the army for two years and when I got back my wife had a fine baby boy waiting for me! MISS EMILY. I didnt know you had a youngun. SHERIFF. He moved away. Said this town was too dry. MISS EMILY. Whered he move? SHERIFF. Wet River. MISS EMILY. I bet he loves it. SHERIFF. He did. Till he drowned. (The angry shouting continues.) Those dyin people better shut up or Im gonna kill somebody. (Suddenly, gunshots are heard. Then screaming. Then more gunshots. Then less screaming. Finally, the last screamer is silenced by a final gunshot. Everyone must be dead.) Did I do that? KILLIST. (From off stage:) Ill ask again: wheres the Sheriff? (A TOWNSPERSON groans off stage.) You! Get me the Sheriff! TOWNSPERSON. (Off stage; nearly dead:) That taint possible now, Killistalmost dead KILLIST. (Off stage:) The sheriffs dead? Did I shoot him? TOWNSPERSON. (Off stage; last breath:) No KILLIST. (Off stage:) Then get im!

THE KILLIST

TOWNSPERSON. (Off stage; gasps.) Cant Too dead (Dies.) KILLIST. (Off stage:) I did it again! MISS EMILY. (Whispers:) Sheriff! Somebodys shooting! SHERIFF. (Whispers:) Wasnt me. MISS EMILY. (Whispers:) No, the shots came from outside. SHERIFF. (Whispers:) Be a good girl, Miss Emily, and have a peek out the window. MISS EMILY. (Whispers:) Is it safe? SHERIFF. (Whispers:) I dont know. Check and see. MISS EMILY. (Shouts out window:) Hey! Did you just kill all these people? KILLIST. (Off stage:) Yes maam! MISS EMILY. (To Sheriff Stick:) Its him. SHERIFF. Maybe hes just passing through. KILLIST. (Off stage:) Come on out here, Sheriff! I just killed your town! SHERIFF. Noyou come in! (Whispers:) Now Miss Emily Ill open the jail cell and you shove him right in! MISS EMILY. Taint ladylike to shove, Sheriff. (THE KILLIST enters, gun drawn.) Who do you think you are killing all those people? I liked some of em! KILLIST. I am The Killist. I kill. SHERIFF. Good enough for me. Please enjoy your stay. MISS EMILY. Sheriff! SHERIFF. He said its his job, Miss Emily! I aint one to interfere with a mans livelihood. KILLIST. Why do you call this Bone Dry, Arizona? SHERIFF. Because its in Arizona. KILLIST. But why Bone Dry? SHERIFF. Never thought about it. KILLIST. Sheriff, round up the rest of the town and have them

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assemble here in five minutes. MISS EMILY. Theyre all dead. KILLIST. The desert can be cruel, its true. MISS EMILY. Not the desertyou killed them! SHERIFF. It seems the entire population of Bone Dry is now standin in this room. KILLIST. You mean theres no one left to kill? SHERIFF. Just the Indian. But he only comes into town when it rains. KILLIST. So I dont have to worry about him. MISS EMILY. (Proudly:) Hes a medicine man. KILLIST. Whats he going to do, heal me to death? SHERIFF. They say he can control the weather. MISS EMILY. Its true. Ive seen him do it. KILLIST. What do they call him? MISS EMILY. Chief Rain-Snow. KILLIST. So where was he when everyone was dying of dryness? SHERIFF. Hes got an exclusive contract with Nevada. But weve got him doing us some wind on the side. MISS EMILY. Did you notice our fine wind? KILLIST. Notice it? I was choking on it! Why dont you get him to stop? SHERIFF. Stop the wind? MISS EMILY. The wind is his gift to us. SHERIFF. Wouldnt be right refusin a gift. KILLIST. Can he do anything else besides control the weather? SHERIFF. I once saw him end a mans life with just three words! KILLIST. What were the words? SHERIFF. Tribe, kill him. KILLIST. Uh-oha politician. Perhaps I should move on. Where could I get a horse?

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SHERIFF. You come to the right place to get a horse. MISS EMILY. Wheres the one you rode in on? KILLIST. I shot him. MISS EMILY. Rightthats your vocation. KILLIST. It wasnt business-related. He had a broken leg. SHERIFF. Then lets go see the Horse King, if hes still alive. KILLIST. I told you. I shot him. Hes dead. SHERIFF. You killed Dick Stallion? KILLIST. I killed the horse, King. MISS EMILY. How could you?? We all loved him! KILLIST. He was my horse, King was. MISS EMILY. He was everybodys Horse King! SHERIFF. Howd he break his leg? KILLIST. Dick Stallion or the horse, King? SHERIFF. Dick Stallion is the Horse King. KILLIST. My horse was named King. Whatever unsanctified relationship you people had with that stallion is your affair. SHERIFF. Well, the horse lots full of horses just waitin for a name. Follow me. (As THEY start to exit, MAW and PAW mope in as though marching in a funeral procession.) SHERIFF. Look! Theres Maw and Paw. KILLIST. Two more I missed. (Aims his gun at the newcomers.) MISS EMILY. What are you doing?? KILLIST. Killing them. MISS EMILY. No, youre not! KILLIST. But Im the Killist. MISS EMILY. Theyre just a couple of innocent pioneers trying to feed their family. (To MAW and PAW:) Hey, Maw. Hey, Paw. MAW. (Droopy, if not suicidal:) Hey.

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PAW. (The same:) Hey. SHERIFF. You must be here to complain about the killing and death and violence. MAW. You mean all those bodies out in the street? PAW. Figured they was just thirsty. KILLIST. I killed them, every last one. No use weeping and wailing. And if you do have any complaints you may address them to the barrel of my gun. MAW. Paw, he do talk. PAW. Must be the mayor. KILLIST. Im The Killist. PAW. Never heard of you. KILLIST. You will. MAW. Reckon we just did. MISS EMILY. (To MAW and PAW:) Hows Wendell? (To KILLIST:) Wendell is their eldest. He was in school with me. Dropped out after third grade. PAW. (Nods.) Wendell was a smart boy. MAW. He died. PAW. Yup. MISS EMILY. Thats awful! KILLIST. I shot him dead in the street out there and now you demand justice. Well, youll find me a cruel PAW. Nah, you didnt shoot him. MAW. Boy starved. MISS EMILY. Good gracious! MAW. He just plumb forgot to eat. PAW. Yup. KILLIST. Wasnt he hungry? MAW. Yup. PAW. Said he was fixin to eat.

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MAW. Guess he just never found the time. PAW. Some days its hard to fit everything in. MISS EMILY. I think I also knew your youngest MAW. Youngest died. PAW. Yup. KILLIST. For that you can blame me PAW. Nah. MAW. Starvation. Again. KILLIST. Did he forget to eat, too? PAW. We forgot to feed him. MAW. Too busy feedin the others. We got fourteen. KILLIST. But wasnt he crying? PAW. Theys was all cryin. MAW. They do cry. My lord. KILLIST. With that many mouths to feed it must be easy to overlook one. PAW. Yup. MAW. Put em all to bed and only some got up next day. PAW. Stackin em one on top of the other was poor thinkin. MAW. Heard the top ones screaming like banshees. By then the bottom ones was already squished. PAW. Like flapjacks. MAW. Paw damn near ate one of em. PAW. I do love flapjacks. SHERIFF. Whos that leave? MISS EMILY. Janey? MAW. Died. PAW. Mauled by a bear. MAW. Should have never brought it in the house. MISS EMILY. Timothy?

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PAW. Died. MAW. Leeches. PAW. By time we got em off him they was bigger than he was. MAW. They must have been mighty hungry. SHERIFF. That should serve as a lesson to us all to not swim in strange bodies of water. PAW. Aint no bodies of water in these parts. MAW. He was in the bathtub. MISS EMILY. How did leeches get in the bathtub? MAW. (Annoyed:) We put em there! KILLIST. Why did you put them there? PAW. The tub was full of water! KILLIST. So? MAW. (Exasperated:) Water is where you find leeches! PAW. (Snorts.) Stupid question. KILLIST. So I killed your other six younguns. MAW. You mean Nat, Spanky, Imogene, Bessie, Whiny, and Quintilla? KILLIST. Yesthem. PAW. Nat went off to school. MAW. And got beat to death with a ruler. PAW. Boy had a mouth. (Uncertain:) Spankyhe MAW. Died. PAW. (To MAW:) Did he? I thought he was getting better MAW. I took care of it. PAW. Imogene and Bessie we sold. MAW. Needed a cow. MISS EMILY. You sold your daughters into slavery?? PAW. Taint our business what the customer does with the goods. MAW. Its all right. Theys fine.

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The Killist
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