A Sweet Home/Carillo Boys Novel

OceanofPDF.com
 Copyright© Tillie Cole 2015 All rights reserved

Cover Design by Damonza at www.damonza.com

Formatted by Stephen Jones
Edited by Thomas Robert Lindsay
Italian Translation by Sebastian Dusi

eBook Edition

No Part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or

by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photography, recording,
or any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written
consent from the publisher and author, except in the instance of quotes for
reviews. No part of this book may be uploaded without the permission of
the publisher and author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding
or cover other than that in which it is originally published.

This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or

places, actual events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters and
names are products of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously.

The publisher and author acknowledge the trademark status and trademark
ownership of all trademarks, service marks and word marks mentioned in
this book.

OceanofPDF.com
 Dedication

For my readers.
This novel exists because of you.

And for those made to feel small by others, made to feel inferior by hurtful
words.
Keep wading through the pain. Keep fighting.
One day it will end, and you’ll again find your voice…
… You’ll again find your smile.

OceanofPDF.com
 Author’s Note

As you all know, I planned for Sweet Hope to be the final novel in the
Sweet Home Series. I ended that novel with a finite tone, and I was content.
I loved how it ended.
Then I began to receive messages from you, my readers, asking about Levi
Carillo. What happened in Levi’s life? How did he meet Elsie? What was
their story? Could we possibly know his story too?
Before long, those questions began to invade my head too, until I knew I
had to give Levi his story. I had to give the final Carillo boy his turn—I
needed to give him his happily ever after.
At first, I planned Sweet Soul to be a novella. I wanted the story to be
sweet and beautiful—just like our shy and reserved Levi. But as I began to
write, a new, more meaningful story began to form, and I knew that the
sweet novella I had planned for, would become a full-length novel. A novel
exploring topics that, in my opinion, need to be brought to the forefront of
conversations. That need more exposure.
I still regard the ‘Bonus Chapter’ in Sweet Hope as the final chapter in the
Sweet Series, the one to give this series closure. But I am beyond thankful
that your support and requests for Levi’s novel brought me to this heart-
wrenching, yet beautiful story.
I hope you all fall for our shy couple as hard and as fast as I did.
 I believe I was meant to write it. So as always, I thank you all for guiding
me in this direction.
Thank you for inspiring me to give Levi and Elsie their voice.
They truly deserve it.

OceanofPDF.com
“I don’t think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains.”

Anne Frank

OceanofPDF.com
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Epilogue

Playlist

Acknowledgements

Author Bio

Follow Tillie at:

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Prologue

Levi

The rain pelted hard. I pulled the collar of my jacket higher on my neck.
Reaching the warehouse door, I made to unlock it with the key I’d secretly
copied from Axel’s master key, my warm breath ghosting into a white mist
as it collided with the cold air.
Thunder rumbled around the distant edge of a dark gray sky. When the
lock clicked open, I ducked into the dry building. I flicked on the lights in
the ceiling, revealing a mass of covered statues. My eyes scanned the
interior of the warehouse, immediately stopping at the back of the large
space. A sculpture, shrouded in white cotton, stood higher than the rest. My
heart skipped a beat. Even before I moved an inch, my eyes began to sting
with the threat of tears.
Inhaling a deep breath, I forced my feet forward. The wooden floorboards
creaked below my chucks as I moved slowly to the sculpture. I hadn’t seen
it in over nine months. But I’d thought about it every day. I had to think
about it: memories of the real woman who had inspired the art were
beginning to fade. To my utter horror, I’d started to forget her. She’d started
to melt from my mind. Day by day, hour by hour, she was disappearing to
dust. And I could do nothing to stop it.
Lifting a hand, I gripped the sheet and ripped it from the white Carrara
marble hidden below. Throwing the sheet to the floor, I lifted my head, and
there she was; bright and innocent as the angel I knew she had become. I
blinked away the moisture from my eyes as I gazed upon her smiling face.
 Inching forward, I laid my fingers upon her cold marble cheek, drinking in
her features—her eyes and nose—and her long brown hair. I closed my
eyes, committing each intricate detail to memory. I never wanted to forget
these details. I couldn’t bear to forget again.
This sculpture, this marble face, was all I had left.
The rain outside grew heavier as the sky roiled with storm clouds, the
small windows lining the roof of the warehouse were awash with sloughs of
water. Then a bright flash of lightning bathed the room. Instinctively I
reached into my pocket. My hand wrapped around the string of brown
beads, and I pulled out the rosary, lifting it to my mouth to kiss the old
silver cross. My jaw clenched as I forced myself to look again at the angel’s
face. And just as I did, a crack of thunder roared above.
As though I was a child once more, I reached out and held the angel’s
hand in mine. Feeling the fragile fingers so small in my palm, I kept tight
hold and dropped to the hard floor.
And I breathed.
I breathed through the pain of loss that I lived with each and every day. I
breathed through the fear that, before long, all the memories of her would
fade to nothing, leaving me with a black void where her face used to be.
As another bolt of lightning struck ground, I held the angel’s hand tighter;
this simple act of wrapping her fingers in mine, calmed the storm inside,
even as the storm raged outside in the sky above.
Leaning back against the legs of the angel, I kept hold of her hand and
gripped the rosary to my chest. The thunder boomed loud.
Closing my eyes, I let the memories of the angel seep in…
Thunder clapped in the sky and I jerked awake in my bed. The rain
pounded the tin roof and walls, and I shook in fear—the drops sounded just
like the bullets that the Heighters’ shot outside.
 Counting to ten, I quickly pushed the thin comforter off my body and
jumped out of bed. A flash of lightning lit up my room, and only seconds
later, a loud clap of thunder boomed in the sky, shaking our trailer.
My feet ran forward, my heart beating fast. I ran into the living room, but
it was empty. Austin and Axel were still out with the Heighters, but I knew
my mamma would be here. She never left me alone. She worked real hard at
her three jobs, but when Austin and Axel went out to make some cash,
Mamma always stayed close by.
They were my favorite nights, when my mamma would read to me in bed.
She’d stroke my hair, and she’d sing—I loved her pretty singing. When she
sang, I would smile. I didn’t smile often. In fact, neither of my brothers nor
my mamma smiled all that much.
But I did when she sang. When she rocked me in her arms.
Lightning struck again, and I ran down the narrow hallway toward my
mamma’s room before the thunder could boom. Reaching the door, I quietly
turned the knob. Mamma’s room was real dark, but there was a small
candle lit at the side of the room, next to one of the lightning bug jars we’d
made yesterday when mamma couldn’t pay to keep the lights on. I crept
inside, and behind the door, kneeling beside the bed, was Mamma.
She was praying.
She did that a lot.
When the thunder clapped again, I ran right toward the bed. Mamma lifted
her head.
And then she smiled at me.
“Mia luna, vieni qua.” She got to her feet and held out her arms. I ran
forward, and the minute I wrapped my arms around her waist, I felt better.
Mamma always made me feel better.
 “Mamma,” I said quietly, “the thunder. It’s too loud, it’s hurting my ears.
I’m… I’m scared.”
“Shh…” she whispered and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “It is
only the Roman Gods showing the world they’re still here.”
I pulled back and frowned. “Roman Gods? But you only believe in one
God, Mamma.”
Mamma pulled me down to sit beside her on her bed and she laughed. “I
do, mia luna. But your nonna used to say that thunder was nothing to be
scared of. That it was simply the old Roman Gods making sure nobody
forgot about them up in the heavens.” She laughed and pulled me closer. “I
used to imagine them having a party. Having too much vino and stamping
their feet.”
I laughed, imagining all the giant Gods sitting around a table, laughing
and drinking—getting drunk. Mamma squeezed me hard, and this time,
when the thunder clapped above us, I felt no fear. Because it was only the
Roman Gods letting the world know they were still here.
Mamma shifted on the bed and lay down, tucking me into her side. Her
hand began running through my messy hair and her rosary dangled from
her other hand. I stared at the brown beaded rosary with the large silver
cross, as it hovered before my face. “What were you praying about,
Mamma? When I came in, what were you praying for?”
Mamma froze beside me, and I heard her breathing hitch. Mamma’s arms
tightened around me, and when I looked up, I saw tears falling down her
cheeks. It made my stomach churn. I… I didn’t like it.
“Mamma?” I whispered, my voice cracking at the sight of the tears.
“What’s wrong?”
Mamma sniffed, and glancing away, finally looked back to me. “Nothing,
mia luna.”
 I lifted further, and pressed my hand on Mamma’s face. Her cheeks were
all wet. “But you’re crying. You don’t cry for nothing.”
Mamma’s face fell, and she crushed me to her chest. “I was praying, mia
luna,” she said after minutes of saying nothing. “I was praying to the Lord,
to Mother Mary, to help us and I got teary eyed. Because I found something
out today that has upset me, and even made me a little bit scared.”
“What made you upset and scared?” I asked, feeling my stomach twist
and turn.
Mamma smiled against my head and stroked through my hair. “Nothing
for you to worry about, mia luna. This is my burden, not yours. You’re my
baby, my big seven year old brave boy.”
My stomach rolled again and my heart raced real fast. She didn’t sound
okay. Then I noticed the rosary again, swinging in her hand.
Moving my hand, I ran my fingers over the brown beads. “Why do you
hold these, Mamma? You always have them with you. Right now, you’re
clutching them real tight.”
Mamma sighed and brought the rosary to her chest. “I use them to pray to
Mother Mary. She gives me strength, mia luna. I pray to her for strength.”
Mamma’s voice cracked again and I tried to think hard. I tried to think why
she needed strength.
Blinking, a thought came to me and I asked, “Is it Austin and Axel? Do
you pray for them? Because of the Heighters?”
Mamma sighed and ran her finger down my cheek. “Always, mia luna. I
always pray for them. For what they do each night for that gang.”
I shook my head, knowing there was something else. “But what—”
“Shh,” Mamma whispered. She then held up the rosary and placed it in
my hand. She curled her hand around mine and pressed the beads into my
palm. “Levi, you take these now. I want you to have these. I want you to
keep them for strength. For the strength you will need someday soon.”
I frowned and shook my head. “No, Mamma. They’re yours. I’m strong
with you around. I don’t need these.”
Mamma’s head dropped, and she took a deep breath.
“Mamma?” I questioned. She was acting real strange.
Mamma wiped her cheeks and a sad smile spread on her lips. “Va bene,
mia luna. I’ll keep them for now. Grazie. Always thinking of your mamma.
But one day, when… when I’m not here, you keep these with you. I want you
to remember that these are yours. You are not your brothers, Levi. You are
kind and shy, not hard and boisterous, ready to fight the world. You are my
quiet baby boy. My sweet, sweet soul.”
“I’m not weak,” I pushed, hating that I wasn’t like my brothers. Axel and
Austin were strong and tough. I wanted to be just like them.
Mamma pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Never, Levi. You are a Carillo boy
after all. But you are different from Austin and Axel. They are alike in so
many ways—hot headed and tough, hard on the outside until they let you in.
You are the timid one, the gentle brother—inside and out. You are the one to
carry his heart on his sleeve. You are the one who watches silently from afar
and loves with all his soul.” Mamma huffed, and said, “Whoever you end
up with, my son, whoever claims your heart, will be a very special girl
indeed.” Her finger stroked my cheek. “So much love, mia luna. You will
love with your whole being, and it will be forever. You could not love in any
other way.”
I frowned at her sad voice. “And you’ll meet her, Mamma. You’ll love her
too. Yeah? You will love the one I marry too.”
Mamma looked away, and I saw her eyes fill with tears again. She blinked
real fast. When she looked at me, she placed both hands on my face and
stared into my eyes. “Ti voglio bene, Levi. It is late. It is time to sleep now.”
I lay down on the pillow next to Mamma, watching the lightning bugs
jump around in the jar on the side table, giving off light. I closed my eyes
when I couldn’t keep them open any longer, but I couldn’t stop thinking of
what Mamma had said. What was wrong? What had made her so sad?
I knew Mamma thought I was asleep, because I heard her start to cry. I
held my breath, when suddenly she kissed my cheek, and whispered, “I want
the world for you, mia luna. And I pray that the girl who claims your tender
heart is just as sweet as you. Someone to care for your fragile soul.
Someone to cherish the gentle gift that you are, when I am no longer here to
do so…”
As the thunder peeled again, it shook me from my past. I looked up to the
ceiling. With a hoarse whisper and blurred eyes, I echoed my mamma’s
words: “It’s only the Roman Gods showing the world they’re still here.”
I held the angel’s hand just as tightly as I could.
Just for a little bit longer.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter One

Levi

University of Washington, Seattle

“Grab a drink, then get back to the field for sprints!”

Coach shouted from the center of the field, and I ran to the sideline,
grabbing a Powerade. My friends, Jake and Ashton, ran beside me. As I
finished the bottle, Ashton nudged my side. “Fuck, Alabama. That chick
can’t stop staring at you, again.”
I lifted my head to the tunnel, only to see a group of cheerleaders stood in
the entryway, the redhead staring at me… again. Her, the same redhead that
always watched me training. The one that always tried to talk to me. The
cheerleader I never ever talked back to.
“Go ask her out. She’s creaming for you, Carillo. It’s the fucking accent.
Chicks love that southern drawl shit. I’m so fucking pissed that I was born
in Cali. I’d clean up if I said ‘y’all’ and ‘fixin’ every other word,” Jake
complained.
“And the Italian thing. He speaks fucking Italian, fluently.” Ashton shook
his head and gripped my arm. “Use your powers, Alabama. For the sake of
jocks everywhere, use the fucking pussy-magnet powers you’ve been
granted!” Ashton and Jake cracked up laughing, and Ashton dropped his
hand.
Throwing my empty bottle to the ground, my stomach rolled at just the
thought of speaking to the cheerleader. I didn’t even know her damn name.
Finally, I shook my head. “Nah. I’m good,” I replied, trying to dodge the
whole damn thing.
I turned to run back to centerfield, when Ashton and Jake moved to stand
in my path, all laughter forgotten. Ashton was the Quarterback for the
Washington Huskies, and Jake was the Running Back. They were both
glaring at me. I said nothing because we exchanged this crap all the time.
Like every day.
“Carillo, ask her out, man. She’s a sure thing. At some point you gotta talk
to someone that isn’t wearing pads or shares your blood. Stacey said she
likes you, really likes you. She asks about you all the time.” My face
burned with embarrassment. I’d seen Stacey—Jake’s girlfriend—beside the
redhead as she practiced her cheers on the side of the field, but I just wasn’t
interested.
My eyes sought the turf, and we remained silent for what seemed like
forever. A hand landed on my arm again—Jake. He sighed. “Fine, I’ll shut
up. But have you at least given any thought to moving into the frat house?
You know the guys all want you there. You should be living on campus, not
with your brother.” Jake huffed, and added, “Granted, your brother’s
fucking Austin Carillo, a Seahawk, and you live in a damn mansion, but
you should be here with us. Parties and pussy. You’re missing out,
Alabama.”
I smirked at Jake’s nickname for me. Another reason why I hardly ever
talked; my strong Bama accent stuck out like a sore thumb against the
predominantly west coast students. Jake was right, it got me attention,
attention most guys would die for. But it was only torture for me.
Feeling unease in my stomach at the thought of moving into the frat house,
I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m probably just gonna stay at my place. Y’all
know I got the pool house now. I’m good on my own. Prefer my own
space.”
After the silence that followed, I looked up to see Jake and Ashton staring
at me in obvious disappointment. I met their stares, and with defeated
shoulders, they wordlessly stepped aside. I picked up my feet and jogged
back toward centerfield, trying hard to avoid a continuation of this
conversation. Then Ashton shouted, “We just want you to get out more,
Alabama! It’s not good being on your own all the time!”
Stopping dead, I looked back and assured him, “I’m good on my own. I
ain’t into all the parties and stuff that you guys are. It just isn’t me. So leave
me alone, yeah? I’m good as I am. I’m happy.”
Jake and Ashton turned away without saying anything else, and as they
walked to grab their drink, I glanced over at the redhead and felt my face
flame with embarrassment, as I caught her still staring at me. My hand
tightened on my helmet strap, and I immediately dropped my gaze. Truth
was, I didn’t even like her, not like that anyway. I didn’t even know her. I’d
never given her a chance to speak to me. I’d run away every time.
She wasn’t the first to pay me attention; in fact, it happened all the time
and I hated it. I wasn’t good with words. I wasn’t good with any of the
dating crap. I played ball, I studied, and I kept to myself.
That was my life.
And I didn’t want it to change.
“Carillo. You got twenty more sprints, then you can hit the showers,”
Coach shouted, as I took my place back on the field. Putting my head down,
drawing myself down to focus, I got it done.
Twenty sprints later, I threw a wave to Jake and Ashton who were still
hitting their sprints. I made my way inside. I always finished first. Football
was my life. It was what I did best. It was the only constant I’d ever had; I
could trust football, I could trust the routine.
It never let me down.
It never left.
My cleats tapped on the tile floor of the locker room as I toweled off sweat
from my face. I hit the showers, and in less than five minutes under the
boiling spray, with only a towel around my waist, I headed into the locker
room. I entered the change area, just as a movement caught my eye, right in
front of my station.
A girl. A petite, thin girl—scraggly long blond hair sticking out of a pulled
up hood; dressed in dirty black jeans, chucks riddled with holes, and a
scuffed black leather jacket.
I froze, startled by what the hell a girl was doing in here, in the football
locker room. Then my eyes widened when I realized exactly what she was
doing. Her left side was to me, her rail thin body showing me most of her
back.
Her hands were in my bag.
Instinct kicked in and I stepped forward. “Hey!” I shouted. But the girl
didn’t move. I shouted again, my heart beating fast. It seemed like it took
her a minute to hear me. She froze, and flashing me a quick glimpse of her
shocked dirty face hidden under her black hood, she pulled something to
her chest and sprinted out of the locker room, then straight outside.
I stood rooted to the spot, completely shocked, until I remembered that my
bag was wide open. I rushed forward and looked inside. At first I didn’t
think anything had been taken, then I noticed my wallet was missing from
the inside pocket. I began throwing my clothes and sports crap out onto the
floor, searching the entire bag. But as I reached inside the hidden
compartment, there was nothing.
 Nothing.
She’d taken my wallet.
Great!
Standing straight, I ran my hands through my wet hair. My eyes darted
around the room. I questioned how the hell she’d gotten in here? In a secure
room?
I breathed out through my nose, trying like hell to calm down, when
shards of ice sliced, like spears, down my spine. Every part of me stilled as
a further realization kicked in. My wallet. My wallet not only contained all
my cards and ID, but also the one thing that mattered the most to me—in
my whole life.
The rosary.
My rosary.
My mamma’s rosary!
I shot forward like lightning, dragging my sweatpants and hoodie out of
my bag, and threw them on in record time. Without even bothering to put
on my chucks, I sprinted out of the locker room and out into the parking lot.
My eyes searched all around for the blonde, but she was nowhere in sight.
My eyes traveled over the mass of cars, the sidewalks and the surrounding
buildings, but she’d gone.
The cold wind wrapped around me and I stood with my hands on my head.
My stomach sank into a huge pit when I thought of having those beads
taken from me.
I needed them.
I Goddamn needed them.
My jaw clenched as I fought back a loud frustrated scream, then I saw
other students hanging about, all staring at me as I stood in bare feet, my
hair dripping wet and my hands upon my head.
 Feeling a huge surge of embarrassment, I forced myself to turn, to go back
into the change rooms, when someone stepped in my path.
My stomach sank further still.
It was the redheaded cheerleader.
The girl smiled and my eyes instinctively dropped to the ground, refusing
any contact. I could feel my cheeks heat with redness. I tucked my hands
into my pockets, and hell, I had no idea what to do next.
“Levi?” My body tensed as she spoke my name. My heart fired off like a
damn cannon and I shifted on my feet. I still didn’t raise my eyes, and I
heard a small laugh slip from her throat. “I’m Harper. We’ve never been
properly introduced.”
Taking a deep breath, I flicked my eyes to hers, but as soon as I saw her
watching me with a smile, another rush of embarrassment hit.
I was no good at this type of thing.
I couldn’t talk to girls.
I couldn’t function around them, something inside stealing all my
confidence every time—not that I had much to begin with.
“Are you ever going look at me, Levi? Ever going to talk to me?”
I sucked in a deep breath as Harper moved closer to me, and eventually, I
lifted my head. I knew my cheeks were hot with embarrassment. I was sure
they were about to set on fire when I watched her smile as I peered up
through the strands of my hair that had fallen over my eyes.
Harper was pretty. She wasn’t exactly my type, not that I really had a type.
I mean, surely a type meant you actually dated girls. I never did. I just knew
she wasn’t really what I’d go for if I was to ever ask anyone out.
When I caught Harper’s eyes, she laughed again. “That’s better. Now I can
see those pretty gray eyes of yours. Such a rare color.”
 I glanced away, when Harper laid a hand on my arm. My head snapped
back, and she asked, “You going to the guys’ party this weekend?”
I shook my head. Harper’s face fell.
“Why not? Everyone will be there. The whole team is going.” She paused.
“I’ll be there. I was hoping you’d be there too.”
“I…” I cleared my throat, forcing my mouth to move, pushing my lost
voice to make sound. “I c-can’t,” I embarrassingly stuttered out.
Dropping my head, I sucked in the corner of my bottom lip. It was
instinctive, an innate sign that I was pussying out. It was my damn tell that I
was uncomfortable. Hell, that I was standing here dying.
Harper’s hand tightened on my arm, pulling my attention back to her. I
wanted nothing more than to get away from this train wreck of a situation.
“I hope you’ll change your mind, Levi. I find myself wanting to know you.
Know what’s going on in that shy and mysterious mind of yours. You’re an
enigma to me. To all of the girls here.”
Seconds passed in strained silence as she waited for me to say something
in response. But I had nothing at all to say. I wasn’t mysterious, nor was I
an enigma; I was crippled with nerves.
Without looking Harper in the eyes, I curtly nodded my head as a
goodbye, and headed back into the locker room. I felt her watching me all
the way to the door, but I never looked back.
Seeing the rest of the team beginning to fill the room, and not wanting to
get a grilling from Jake and Ashton, I grabbed my sports bag and hightailed
it out the door. I rushed to my Jeep and threw myself behind the wheel. In
seconds I was on the road, my heart cracking over the fact that my rosary
had gone.
It was strange; without those beads, I felt that a piece of my soul had been
taken too.
 A light rain drizzled against my windshield. As it did, I became lost in my
thoughts. The first thing I saw in my mind’s eye was the girl in the locker
room: the thief. As I thought of her small hands rooting in my bag, my chest
tightened. She was so thin, like starved thin. She was pitted with dirt, her
blond hair was unkempt and unwashed. Her legs were like pins in her
sodden jeans and her chucks were full of holes.
I frowned, forcing myself to remember the glimpse I’d had of her face. I
caught myself swallowing as I remembered those huge blue eyes, sunken
into her cheeks. The more I thought of that glimpse, I guessed that she must
be a few years younger than me. Younger than me and stealing from a
locker room.
Stealing my rosary.
My hands tightened on the steering wheel. I was furious. I was hurt. I was
devastated. Yet I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the girl. She reminded me
of some of the girls we brought into Lexi’s center; the new center she’d
created here in Seattle for troubled teens. The girl had resembled some of
the ones I would register into the computer system, when I helped Lexi out
during the week. The blonde looked homeless and dirt poor. I shifted on my
heated seat. I remembered what it felt like to be poor. I hated seeing the
young runaways, or bullied teens, in the center when they’d come in all
broken and alone.
I saw my mamma in every one of their faces—silently crying out for help.
Soon my anger toward the girl dissipated, only to be replaced by intense
sorrow. No one should ever have to feel like that. No one should ever be so
broken and alone.
Turning up the speaker system, my favorite song from Band of Horses
filled the Jeep. I pressed my foot on the gas pedal and sped all the way
home.
 Pulling into the driveway, I parked the car in front of the house, and
walked in the front door. The sound of soft singing from the living room
greeted me—Lexi.
I put my bag on the floor beside the living room entrance and headed in
her direction. I couldn’t help but smile when I did. Lexi was holding Dante,
her new baby son, in her arms; she rocked him back and forth, singing
lullabies to my cute as hell nephew.
Obviously sensing me standing in the doorway, Lexi turned. On seeing it
was me, a smile spread on her lips.
“Hey Lev,” she whispered quietly. Lexi glanced back at Dante. I could see,
even from here, that his eyes were closed and his breathing had evened out
with sleep.
Lexi moved to the Moses basket in the center of the room, and with a kiss
to his chubby cheeks, she laid him down. I watched, arms folded over my
chest. All I felt was warmth.
I loved Lexi. She was an amazing mother. And even though she was only
seven years older than me, she was kind of a mother to me too.
I hadn’t realized I’d been staring at the floor until I saw Lexi’s tiny bare
feet in my line of sight. Looking up, her green eyes were watching me in
concern.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” she asked, her black eyebrows pulled down in
worry.
Sighing, I shook my head. “Nothing, Lex. Just got off practice early. And
I’m kinda tired. Thought I’d come home and get started on my
assignments.”
Lexi’s eyes narrowed, but I turned and picked up my bag. “I’ll be in my
pool house,” I called back over my shoulder, and walked out of the kitchen
door into the backyard. I didn’t hear anything else as I cut through the wide
garden and passed the pool. The rain was pouring now, from a gray and
overcast sky.
I entered the pool house and threw my bag down beside the door. I headed
straight for my closet to change into some dry clothes, when my eyes
landed on the picture on my dresser. It was my mamma; my mamma
smiling and holding me in her arms. I was about three. We both looked
happy. Then my eyes drifted to my mamma’s hand, and there, clutched in
her palm were the brown rosary beads she’d treasured so much. That I now
treasured so much.
The ones that had now gone.
My hands ran through my still-wet hair, my eyes glued to the picture,
when I heard the pool house door click open behind me. I turned to see Lexi
slipping through, her black hair now damp from the downpour.
I sighed as she entered, and she said, “I know you, Lev. You didn’t think
I’d leave you here alone, when I knew you were upset, did you?” My
shoulders sagged as she walked toward me. “You may not say much,
sweetie, but I can tell when you’re hurting.”
Dipping my head, feeling my chest ache, I said, “What about Dante?”
Lexi glanced over her shoulder through the glass door of the pool house.
“Austin just got home.” I saw Austin standing at the kitchen window of the
main house. When I caught his eye, he lifted his hand. I threw him a wave
back, then sat down on the end of the bed.
Lexi sat down beside me. I could feel her attention concentrating on me.
With a deep breath, I explained, “My wallet got stolen from the locker room
this afternoon.”
I could feel the confusion coming from Lexi, confusion as to why I was so
upset. “Okay,” she drew out the word, “well that sucks. But it’s okay, we’ll
cancel your cards and get everything replaced. It’s annoying but it’s an easy
fix.”
I nodded, and looked up at my sister-in-law. Lexi’s green eyes narrowed as
she read my face. “But that’s not what’s bothering you though.” Her head
tilted to the side. “What’s really wrong, Lev? All this isn’t over a few stolen
credit cards.”
Lexi’s hand squeezed my arm and I exhaled a long breath. “My mamma’s
rosary beads were inside the wallet. I always keep them in it when I train, to
keep them safe.” I huffed a sardonic laugh.
Lexi’s face immediately fell at the mention of my mamma. “Oh, Levi. I’m
so sorry, sweetie.”
For some reason my throat clogged with emotion at the pureness of
understanding in Lexi’s voice. This was why I loved her. She’d been with
me and Austin through thick and thin. But more than that, I didn’t have to
explain to her why the rosary getting stolen destroyed me inside. She knew
my mamma. She knew what losing her did to us all. She knew me, period.
“Did you see who took it? Have you told the coach? Maybe they caught
the person responsible after you left?”
I pictured the hooded young girl in my mind and nodded my head. “It was
a girl. I’d never seen her before. She was real dirty and her clothes were all
faded and old. She looked like a homeless person, Lex. She looked like
some of the kids we get in at Kind.”
Lexi’s eyebrows pulled down again—this time it was in concern, concern
for the girl. “Did she speak to you?”
I shook my head. “I was just coming out of the shower when I saw her
going through my things. I called out a couple of times before she even
heard me. When she did, she bolted out of the door. By the time I was
dressed, she’d vanished.”
 I swallowed the lump in my throat and said quietly, “I don’t give a damn
about the wallet. But the beads…” I trailed off, staring at the floor again.
Suddenly, Lexi pulled me into her arms. “I know, Lev. I know why they’re
so important.”
Feeling stupid that, at age twenty, I was so cut up about those damn old
beads I held Lexi back, and fought to control my breathing. In fact, I
squeezed Lexi for a couple of long minutes. I never really showed emotion
to anyone. Hell, I barely spoke unless I was forced to, but I could tell Lexi
anything. She was the strongest, kindest person I knew.
Eventually, I pulled back. Keeping my head down, I stood up, completely
embarrassed.
“Lev—”
“It’s alright, Lex. I’ll get over it. They were just a bit of old wood.”
Lexi stood and made her way to the pool house door. Before she left, she
countered, “They weren’t, Lev. To you, they are your mamma. You don’t
need to feel foolish about hurting over losing them. Not to me.”
I didn’t reply, unsure that I could through my thick throat. Lexi left me
alone, and I exhaled a long breath. I quickly changed into a dry pair of
sweats and a shirt, toweled off my hair, and made myself a coffee.
Walking straight to my desk, I sat on my chair and opened the Greek
Mythology textbook that was already lying on the top. My eyes fell upon
the bookmarked page and the story my assignment was on—Hero and
Leander. I stared at the aged oil painting of the doomed lovers dominating
the page. I sighed.
I was twenty.
Mamma had died when I was fourteen.
I should be coping with life by now.
 But since the day she died, I felt like I’d been wandering in a forest. A
forest shrouded in dense mist. Since the day my mamma passed, I’d been
trying to find a guiding light out of this mess. Desperate to find my way out
of the dark.
My gaze fell on the picture of Hero and Leander; of Leander drowned in
the water, his guiding light in Hero’s tower extinguished by the raging
storm. He’d been lost at sea, his lover’s bright lamp overwhelmed by
towering waves.
At that moment I felt a kinship with this Greek man, because I was lost
too. Drowning too.
But I was drowning in life.
Drowning in my own shyness.
Being kept down by my past.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Two

Elsie

I kept on running. I hadn’t dared stop. That boy had seen me.
He’d seen me stealing from his bag. Daggers stabbed at my conscience as
I remembered his face at the moment he realized I was taking his things.
But then I had swayed on my feet; the hunger and weakness in my body
chasing away my guilt. And he’d been shouting at me. He’d shouted at me
and I didn’t hear him. Didn’t hear him standing behind me—and I had
almost been caught; caught red handed committing a felony offense.
My stomach growled at me, screaming that it was desperate for food. My
legs shook as I forced them to work even though I had little energy left to
help them move. My skin flushed with an almost unbearable heat, my head
feeling light again. I knew it would pass. The too-hot sensation would pass,
only to be replaced by too-freezing cold. I had been this way for weeks;
every day I grew weaker and weaker.
The world growing darker and darker.
I pushed my legs to run through packs of students milling around campus.
I kept my head down and the wallet clutched close to my chest. I hated
crowds. I didn’t do well with people. I couldn’t take their assessing eyes,
their judgment as they watched me. But then to these people I was nothing.
When you had no home and lived rough on the streets, they forgot that you
were also human.
Human, and utterly lost.
 Breaking free from the overwhelming campus, I ran over a busy road, the
heavy rain beginning to seep into my bones, the coldness from the chilly
wind slapping at my boiling cheeks. The chill brought a momentary
reprieve from the fever burning in my blood. I prayed that I had a warmer
coat than an old leather jacket to keep me warm, but then it was quickly
forgotten. I learned a long time ago that prayers were never answered. I was
convinced they were never even heard. A fact I found ironic, considering I
never opened my mouth to voice my thoughts aloud.
Lifting my eyes to peer out under the protection of my hood, I noted that I
was only a few hundred yards from the alley in which I stayed. Slowing to a
fast walk, I flinched as I coughed, my chest burning; my lungs felt on fire at
the simple reflex action. I was sick again, but this time I knew it was worse.
I couldn’t shake off this flu; this flu that wouldn’t go away.
Beginning to feel the early signs of the fever at the back of my neck, I
wrapped my arms around my chest. I quickly turned left and entered the
narrow alley. I walked past the dumpsters from the deli beside me and
stopped at the back right corner. I stared at the old wet blankets and, feeling
overwhelmingly weak, sat down and pulled the itchy damp wool over my
body.
I huddled against the wall, attempting to get warm. The rain poured
heavier and heavier with every passing minute. At least the slight sloped
roof from the deli shielded the majority of the rain. But no matter how small
I made myself, I felt no warmth. The icy cold constantly lapped over my
skin.
It was funny, but with this amount of time spent back on the streets, it was
easy to forget what warmth felt like at all. Good warmth, that is. Cozy, safe
warmth. Not the searing consuming heat that came with fever.
 Taking my hand out from beneath the blankets, the one still clutching the
leather wallet, I snapped open the clasp and looked inside. I prayed and
prayed that I would find money. The last few wallets I’d taken had held
nothing of value. But I’d watched the boy this wallet belonged to today. I’d
watched as he drove to the campus in a brand new fancy Jeep. Watched as
the handsome boy with fair hair, olive skin and big gray eyes walked into
the Husky stadium’s huge locker room, wearing only the best clothes. He
was wealthy. Wealth normally equaled cash.
My trembling hands parted the leather of the wallet, and my heart
immediately fell. There was no cash inside. There were cards, but nothing I
could use to buy food, to eat, nothing to use to win back some strength.
Desperate scalding tears filled my eyes and fell to join the raindrops on my
thinning blankets. Realization hit that I’d be going without food, again.
I moved to throw the useless wallet away when, just as it tipped upside
down, something fell to the ground, obviously from a hidden compartment.
Looking down, my eyes focused on what looked like a necklace lying on
the wet ground at my side.
Reaching down, I picked up the necklace, noticing an old tarnished cross
dangling from old scratched wooden brown beads. It wasn’t a necklace; it
was an old set of rosary beads.
I held it up to the light, turning it in my hand. A small smile etched on my
lips. Although old, they were beautiful.
Laying the rosary on my lap, I delicately ran my fingertips over each
scratched and worn out bead, down to the cross at the bottom. There, in
heavy silver, was the image of Jesus dying on the cross. I didn’t know why,
but the sight of this obviously well used rosary brought tears to my eyes,
and a harsh sting to my heart.
 Instinctively, I lifted my hand to the locket hidden well beneath my hoodie
and took a deep breath. This, my simple gold locket, was all I had left. The
only link I had to her, to my past. It was my most treasured possession. The
only possession I had.
The image of the boy in the locker room sprung to mind and my stomach
instantly fell. This was his rosary. I’d taken his rosary; something that
probably meant a great deal to him.
Leaving the rosary on my lap, I opened the wallet again, and there in the
clear center pocket was the boy’s face. Pulling the driving license from the
wallet, I read his name: Levi Carillo.
Levi Carillo.
My thumb ran over his serious face and, even in this cold, my cheeks
filled with heat. He was beautiful. Rich and handsome—he had it all.
As I went to put the card next to the rosary, I noticed something else had
fallen out with the license.
A photograph.
With cold fingers, I lifted the old faded picture from the sodden blanket
and raised it up to the light. My heart clenched as my eyes beheld a picture
of a beautiful brunette woman balancing a young boy on her lap. A boy that
looked no older than three or four. Her arms were wrapped around his
waist, and she was smiling down at him so big. The young boy was shy in
front of the camera, but his sweet bashful face was filled with a timid ghost
of a smile.
But it was those eyes, those big bright gray eyes standing out like
moonbeams from the boy’s tanned skin; they linked him to the older boy I’d
stolen from today.
Levi Carillo. Aged twenty. Seattle.
 Sighing, my head rocked back gently against the wall of the deli. As I
smelled the food cooking inside, my stomach ached and growled in
starvation. Holding out my hand, I stared at the dirt-ridden skin covering
my fingers. Fingers that used to be full and healthy, now all dull skin and
mostly bone.
I jumped when the back door of the deli opened. Huddling into the dark
shadow of the corner, I watched from under my hood as a worker from the
deli emptied a trash can into the dumpster. The man startled when he looked
my way. With a look of distain on his face, he slammed the dumpster shut
and re-entered the warm deli.
Picking myself off the cold hard floor, I got to my feet and quietly made
my way to the dumpster. Using all the strength I had, my forehead now ice
cold, my body racked with convulsing shivers, I opened the dumpster and
peered inside. My heart dropped when I saw most of what was being
thrown away was unsalvageable or inedible. But relief hit when underneath
used white coffee filters, was a half eaten baguette. Reaching inside, I
pulled out the stale bread and hurried back to my corner.
Minutes later, and tucked underneath my blankets, I forced myself to eat
the hard bread. By the third mouthful, nausea from my fever began to take
hold. I dropped the baguette and helplessly fought the rush of tears.
It was no use.
They flowed thick and strong, melding with the pelting rain.
My bones ached with coldness, but regardless, I reached into my jacket
and pulled out the small notebook and pen. Sheltering against the wall, with
the blanket over my head to protect the paper from getting wet, I opened the
page and let my words spill forth.
These words were all I had.
They were my peace.
 They were my voice.
As the dark clouds rolled above, hiding the rising moonshine, I pressed
pen to paper and let my thoughts pour:

Light devoid, no silver-hued moon,

Shadows claim my soul too soon.
With silence strong, I’m left alone,
With aching bones and heart forlorn.
The cold seeps in, an evil embrace,
My only warmth: her face.
Her face.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Three

Levi

I pressed ‘save’ on the Word document just as a knock rapped on my pool

house door. A smile pulled on my lips when I knew who it would be.
“Come in!” I called out.
In seconds the door opened and Axel walked in. My older brother was
dressed all in black—black shirt, jeans and boots—his long dark hair was
pulled back in the topknot he always wore and his tattoos covered every
inch of his skin. He’d only been gone for nine months but, having only had
him back in my life for a short time before that, it felt like I hadn’t seen him
in a lifetime.
As soon as Axel laid eyes on me, his lip hooked into a smirk and he
flicked his chin. “Get the fuck here, kid.”
Rushing across the room, I smashed myself into his broad chest. Axel’s
arms wrapped around my back and he kissed the top of my head.
“Fucking missed you, kid,” Axel rasped out.
“I missed you too, Axe.”
Axel pushed me back, his eyes checking me over. “You doing good?” His
eyes drifted to the desk I was always at. I saw a wash of pride fill his face.
“You still sticking in at school?”
Ducking my head, I put my hands in my pocket. “Yeah.”
“Still top of your class?”
I could feel my face heat, but I nodded my head and quietly replied,
“Yeah.”
 Axel’s smile under his dark bearded face was blinding. He hooked his arm
around my neck and kissed my head again. “Proud of you, kid. So fucking
proud.”
Warmth filled my chest, and I stepped back. “How was the tour?”
Axel shrugged like the world tour of his sculpture exhibition was nothing
of importance. “Bene.” Axel’s eyes dropped and he stared at the floor.
Clearing his throat, he managed to say, “Went to Florence last week, it was
the end of the exhibition. Got to go to the Ponte Vecchio, kid. Got to see
where Mamma’s ashes were scattered.” His voice caught, but he pushed
out, “Got to finally say goodbye.”
My throat burned as I listened to my brother speak, but I couldn’t say
anything in response. Our silence became deafening, until I heard myself
soothe, “Then she’ll finally be at rest, Axe. She’ll know you’ve changed
your life and done her—done all of us—proud.”
Lifting my eyes, I saw Austin had walked in to my pool house and he had
his arm slung over Axel’s shoulders, keeping him close. Axel discreetly
wiped at his eyes and Austin reached out and grabbed my shirt. Pulling me
in, he wrapped his arm around me too and said, “The fucking Carillos back
together again!”
I felt Axel’s hand cup the nape of my neck. It was the first time since Axel
had left to go on tour that I felt almost complete.
Almost. There was always the hole that gaped open in my heart. The one I
had no damn idea how to seal.
We stayed that way for a couple of seconds, then Austin stepped back.
“You ready to eat?”
“Yeah,” Axel replied, and keeping his hand on my neck, he guided us to
the outdoor covered terrace where the heaters underneath were burning
bright.
 “Levi!” A female voice excitedly called my name, and I heard Axel laugh
beside me.
“Watch out, kid. She’s fucking missed you something fierce and y’all
about to know it.”
Ally Prince came running over the lawn, all smiles, her long brown hair
blowing in the wind. I lifted my hand and waved, but as soon as Ally
reached me, she threw her arms around me and squeezed me tight. “Levi,”
she breathed. “We’ve missed you, darlin’.”
I squeezed her back and couldn’t help but smile. “I’ve missed you too,
Al.”
“Mia luce, leave the kid alone and get your ass here,” Axel shouted from
his seat.
Ally rolled her eyes. “Always rough around the edges.” But she walked
over to my brother and sat on his lap regardless. Axel’s thick tattooed arms
immediately wrapped around her waist. Austin sat next to Lexi, taking
Dante from her hands to hold him in his arms. Molly and Rome were sat on
their own couch, hands intertwined with their daughter, Taylor, on Rome’s
knee.
Rome nodded his head at me, and motioned for me to sit on the single
chair beside them. Molly was all smiles as I approached, and when I sat
down, she leaned over to kiss me on my cheek.
“So Axe, Ally, it’s fucking good to have y’all back,” Austin said and Ally
squeezed Axel tighter. Rome handed me a beer, and screwing the top off, I
sat back and listened to Ally start to tell us about the tour. I listened and
drank my beer. I ate the steak that Austin had grilled while the conversation
continued, but I never spoke.
A hand hit my leg, and when I looked up from staring in a daze at the
floor, Austin, Axel and Rome were sitting around me. The women and
babies of our family had clearly gone inside. Axel’s hand squeezed my knee
as he sat back in his chair.
He didn’t say anything, just watched me. I knew he was concerned. Axel
and Austin were always concerned about me. I knew it was because I was
real quiet, that I wasn’t like them, but I couldn’t be any other way. This was
me. I just didn’t speak much. I think it unnerved them how different I was.
Dropping my gaze again, I began tearing at the label of my beer, when
Rome asked, “No parties tonight, Lev? It’s Saturday night; you telling me
Washington ain’t like every other school in the country?”
I met Rome’s eyes and he was smiling at me. Rome nudged Austin and
said, “Don’t think there was a Saturday we didn’t have one of our frat
brothers throwing something at our house, hey, eighty-three? Any fucking
excuse for beer and pussy.”
Austin smiled. “Yeah, all the douches trying to get laid, until all the chicks
zeroed in on you and left their desperate asses with only their hands for
company.”
Rome shook his head and looked to me again. I shrugged and threw a
piece of the shredded label to the floor. “I guess there’s a party.”
“And you didn’t wanna go... again,” Austin stated, his eyebrows pulled
down into his usual worried frown.
I ran my hand through my hair and shook my head. “You know it’s not my
thing. And I wanted to see Axe and Ally.”
“Lev, you ain’t been to one single party since we came here,” Austin said
in exasperation. I squirmed on my seat, feeling all of their attention focused
on me.
“I know.” I offered no more explanation.
Almost on cue, my phone vibrated on the table beside me and Ashton’s
name popped up.
 ASHTON: You coming or what? Sexy Redhead is here asking for you.
I reached for my phone to delete the notification, but before I could get to
it, Axel had already seen the text. I quickly slipped the cell into my pocket.
Axel got to his feet.
He looked down at me. “Let’s go.”
I opened my mouth to argue, when he walked in the direction of the back
gate and out onto the driveway.
Austin leaned forward. “Go with him, Lev. You need to start living your
life, little bro. You gotta push yourself to get outta your shell.”
Nerves suffocated me, but I got to my feet anyway and ran into the pool
house to grab my cash and house keys. Two minutes later, I was out of the
back gate and slipping into the passenger seat of Axel’s El Camino.
There was no music playing. Nothing was said. In silence, Axel pulled out
of the drive and onto the road. I glanced across to look at my big brother:
his face was like stone, his dark, almost black eyes were hard and tense. I
could see the anger taking its hold.
As if feeling me watching, his gaze flicked to me and he sighed. “It’s my
fucking fault you’re like this. This… introvert. All shy like this. Closed in.”
My stomach fell and I turned to stare out of the window, to stare at the
trees blurring into a constant green line. I could feel the pain and guilt
radiating in thick waves from Axel.
“Kid?” he pushed and my head drifted against the window.
“It’s just not my thing, Axe. It ain’t because of you. It’s just how I am.”
“It’s not. Yeah, you were always quiet, but me pushing you into the gang
too young, making you fucking shoot people when you were still a kid.
That shit pushed you into yourself. Then my going inside, not being the
man of the house for you. Someone to have your back, guide you, fucking
raise you.” He swallowed and added, “Not being there when Mamma died,
it fucking closed you in, Lev. I may have been a shit brother, but I know
enough about you to understand this. You were so fucking young to go
through what you went through. What I made you do. You were seven when
she got sick, and I left you to raise yourself so I could be in that fucking
gang. All alone. It harmed you, kid. I done you so wrong.”
I didn’t say anything in response, because as harsh as it was, most of it
was true.
“Tell me, Lev. You ever had a girlfriend?”
My body tensed at Axel’s question. “No,” I whispered, my cheeks aflame
with embarrassment.
I heard Axel’s hands tightening on the steering wheel, and he added, “You
ever even been kissed? You ever asked a chick out? You even talked to one
that you liked?”
I didn’t bothering answering. What was the point? He knew the answer. I
was a Carillo. I was twenty, and I hadn’t ever even been kissed. I’d never
even held a girl’s hand. I hadn’t even been on one date.
“Fuck,” I heard Axel spit under his breath, and I rolled my head to face
him.
“I’m not like you, Axe. Or Aust. It’s just… I just don’t know how to speak
to girls. I’ve never met one where I wanted to find the courage to want to
speak to them.”
Axel kept his eyes on the road, then flicking me a glance, said, “You’ve
got a big fucking heart, kid. Maybe too big. And I know things have been
shit for most of your life, but it’s better now. Isn’t it? Please say we’ve
made things better for you in some small way?”
“Yeah,” I answered honestly. “It’s better.”
Axel exhaled in relief and we went into silent mode, again. When we hit
the highway, and as I was still staring out of the window, Axel said, “Austin
told me Mamma’s rosary was stolen from the locker room.”
Whipping my face round to look at my brother, he briefly met my eyes
and then focused back on the road. “Yeah,” I replied.
“It’s cut you up.” He said it as an assumption, not a question. I nodded
anyway.
“It ain’t her,” he said roughly. “That rosary was just a thing. It’s not
Mamma.”
Thickness filled my throat. “It was to me.” I shifted on my seat, and
playing with my hands, reluctantly confessed, “I don’t remember what she
sounded like anymore, Axe. I… I,” I took a deep breath, fighting the pain in
my gut, and continued. “I can’t remember how her hand felt in my hair.” I
could hear how my voice had broken at that confession, but managed to
add, “Those rosary beads were my anchor to her. Because I know she held
them in her hands. When I held them too, I felt like I could still see and feel
her with me, somehow. Because she’s fading from my memory, Axe. I
didn’t have as long with her as you and Austin did. I’m finding it real hard
to keep her alive in my heart.”
Axel didn’t say anything in response, but a few seconds later, he pulled the
car into a rest stop and hit the engine. And we sat there. Sat there, both of us
staring out of the window. Until my big brother’s arm wrapped around my
neck and pulled me into his chest.
Tears built in my eyes at this simple gesture and I held my brother’s shirt
tightly. “I don’t know what the fuck to do to make it better for you, Lev,”
Axel rasped, as I exhaled a slow breath, trying hard to control my emotions.
I didn’t reply, I just waited until I could lift my head without falling apart.
I slumped on the seat.
“I know you miss her, kid. I fucking do too, but you gotta try and live. You
study, you play college football. I’m so fucking proud of you I could
fucking burst. You’re smart, you’re the best of us, but you gotta try, Lev.
Just try and live. Try and be happy. Or else, what’s the fucking point?”
I listened to his words and nodded my head. I knew he was right, but I
didn’t know how to do it. I knew for sure that going to frat parties and
getting piss drunk wasn’t it. But I didn’t want Axel to worry. All he did was
worry about me, and even though he had made a shit ton of mistakes in our
lives, he didn’t deserve my burden.
“I’ll try.” Then I forced myself to say, “Lo giuro.”
Axel sighed in relief. “That’s good, kid. That’s real fucking good.” He
turned on the engine. “Now, where the fuck is this frat house? I know the
area, but I need the address.”
I reeled off the address, and we arrived out front of the house a few
minutes later. As the car came to a stop, Axel said, “Have a good time,
yeah?”
Forcing a smile, I said, “Yeah, catch you later, Axe,” and got out of the
car.
The large house was overflowing with students, most of the team
drunkenly spilling out onto the lawn. I walked forward until Axel was out
of sight. Then, as I looked up at the teeming house, my feet came to a dead
stop.
This wasn’t my thing at all.
I wanted to show Axel and Austin I could do this, but the more I stared at
students making out, kegs being cracked open as everyone stumbled around
the lawn, I knew I couldn’t go in.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, I knew it would be Ashton, again.
Making a split-second decision, and before I was seen, I lifted my hood
over my head and ducked out onto the street. I set into a run, my Wide
Receiver speed soon taking me well away from the frat house. Slowing
down to a jog, then a gradual walk, I tucked my hands into my pockets and
just followed my feet.
I couldn’t go back home yet, so I would walk.
I would walk until enough time had passed that my brothers would be
fooled into thinking that I’d at least tried. Tried to be the normal kid I knew
I could never be.

*****

A couple of hours later, I’d found myself near a group of bars. I’d walked
aimlessly, down street after street, just passing away the time. People were
falling out of the nearby bars; loud music was blasting out of a pub on a
corner. I watched the many groups of students filled with laughter. The
smell of smoke and alcohol wafted in the cool night air.
Seeing a Starbucks up ahead, I tucked my hands into the pockets of my
hoodie and made my way across the road. I was about to approach the door,
when I heard the sound of a male voice coming from the alley in between
the coffee house and a deli.
At first I put it down to a drunken man stumbling around in the dark,
until I heard a dull crash and the sound of a muffled, pained female shout. I
immediately backed away from the door and arrived at the mouth of the
alley. It was pitch black, except for the dim light of a street lamp on the
other side of the alley wall. A quick movement immediately caught my eye.
The male voice growled low again. This time, the female cry was loud and
distinct.
Without thinking I raced down the alley, quickly catching sight of a man
pinning a girl against a brick wall. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but I
could guess what he was trying to do.
 Without thinking I lunged at the man, gripping his shoulders and throwing
him to the ground in one motion. His body hit the floor with a thud, and I
turned to see him pushing himself to get up. I got a good look at his puffed
up alcohol-laden features, his dirty clothes and his filthy skin. Clenching
my hand into a fist, I plunged it straight into his face.
I heard the distressed girl cry once again. Whipping my head round, I saw
her curled into a ball at the furthest corner of the alley’s wall. I could hear
her heavy stuttered breathing, then she started coughing a rough and chesty
cough.
I heard footsteps echo down the alley, and when I glanced back to the
drunken attacker, I saw him running toward the busy sidewalk. I was about
to run after him, when the girl in the corner started coughing again, only
this time she couldn’t stop.
Focusing on the girl, I carefully approached and crouched slowly down
behind her. “Are you okay?” I forced myself to ask. Adrenaline squashed
any shyness I felt.
The girl didn’t respond. Slowly reaching out, I lay my hand on her back.
The girl cried out and tried to push herself further into the corner. “It’s
alright,” I said and pulled my hand back, “he’s gone. The guy that attacked
you is gone. I won’t hurt you.”
Despite my friendly manner, the girl didn’t seem to realize I was no threat.
I sat back, waiting patiently to make sure she was okay. Only then did I
finally concentrate on how this girl was dressed—black ripped jeans,
leather jacket, strands of scraggly blond hair…
It was her.
As if sensing my recognition of who she was, the girl slowly turned
around, and her eyes widened as she saw me before her. They were bright
blue and perfectly round. She recognized me too, I could see it written all
over her face.
The girl whipped her eyes around the alley, frantically searching every
inch. “He’s not here,” I repeated. But she seemed to not hear what I’d said.
Her neck stretched out, her wide eyes continuing to rove all around us,
when I placed my hand on her arm. Her eyes snapped to mine. “He’s gone,”
I said again, slower this time. Her huge doe eyes were intent on my lips.
The girl froze, then released a long shuddered exhale.
I stared and stared. Knowing she had taken my mamma’s rosary should’ve
made me mad as all hell. But seeing her here, so small and afraid, curled
into the alley wall, hiding under a sloped edge of roof, took away any hate I
could harbor. Her hood was covering her head, shielding most of her face.
But I could see, even in the dark of the alley, that her skin was pitted with
dirt. Even through that dirt, I could see her skin was pale.
Too pale.
Concern overcame my shyness, and I asked, “Are you sick?”
As if answering my question, the girl bent forward and coughed like her
lungs were failing. She coughed and she coughed until the sound of her
cough was both hoarse and wheezy.
I clenched my fist, resisting the urge to put my hand on her arm. She was
so thin and frail, bundled up in wet blankets, vainly trying to keep warm.
Her clothes were ripped to pieces and completely worn out. As I stared at
her, she wrapped her arm around her waist as if to keep herself upright. I
tipped my head up to look at the torrential rain. I felt the increasing cold
wind bluster in the narrow alley. I knew I couldn’t leave her here, not like
this.
She needed help and she needed it fast.
 Shifting myself around until I was directly in front of her, I dipped my
head until I could see her eyes under the hood of her sweatshirt. A
threadbare black scarf was pulled half way up her face; only her dull blue
eyes were visible. As her harsh cough faded out into a deep graveled
wheeze, I said, “Please listen to me.”
But her eyes never lifted at my request. They stayed large and dazed,
pupils dilated, focused on the ground beneath our feet.
My concern deepened.
Inching further forward, I waved my hand in front of her face. The girl
jumped again, but her eyelids fluttered at the movement until, finally, her
attention was focused on me.
Making sure she could hear me, I explained, “I’m going to help you.” I
immediately thought of Lexi, and knew she would come to the girl’s aid.
We could get her to Kind. We could get her a doctor, a place that she could
stay.
I reached into my pocket for my cell, but when I pressed the screen it was
dead. I sighed in frustration.
The girl’s eyes watched my lips. “I’m going to call for help.” As I told her
those words, her face fell and she shook her head. Using her hands on the
soaking wet ground, she pushed herself further back against the wall.
“It’s okay,” I said and held up my hands. “Calm down.” I watched her
close in on herself, her body contorting like she was a small child: terrified
and afraid. As she did her scarf fell, revealing her face. Something in my
heart broke and cracked in two.
She looked like she could be pretty. But her face was sunken, dark circles
shadowed like coal smudges around her eyes. Her hands were joined over
her chest in a rigid vise. When I slowly moved the blanket covering them, I
noticed they were trembling. She was either terrified or freezing. As I
looked up at her haunted ashen face, I thought it could be both.
Her gaze never wavered from mine. “Please. Let me help you. You’re not
well and y’all need help.” I watched her slowly shake her head in refusal.
But as she did, I saw the tears build in her eyes and her bottom lip quiver.
I looked away, frustration mounting in my chest. “Please,” I whispered,
feeling helpless. When I faced the girl again, her glazed eyes were back to
looking at the ground, and her wheezing had become worse. Her head had
flopped to the side and she had pulled the wet blanket up to her chin,
searching for warmth.
The rain came down heavier.
Realizing that it would take more from me than to simply offer help, I got
to my feet. The girl didn’t even flinch. I glanced down the alley, it was
clear. Turning back to the girl, I said, “I’ll be back in two minutes. I’m
getting you some food and a coffee.”
I waited for a response, but none came; her head stayed firmly down.
Without hesitating, I jogged to the end of the alley and walked quickly
through the Starbucks entrance. I threw back my hood and shook off the
rain. I approached the barista, instantly seeing a young brunette, about my
age. She smiled as I approached the counter.
“Two venti dark roasts with room,” I ordered, then searched the pastry
cabinet. I grabbed a few bottles of water and a bunch of sandwiches. I put
them on the counter. “These too. And a few of those chocolate cookies.”
I reached into my pocket to pull out some cash. When I looked up, the
brunette was smiling at me. Her eyebrow was raised in a way I’d come to
recognize. She wanted to talk to me. She liked me. The minute she giggled,
I could feel my cheeks flood with heat.
 “You hungry or something?” she asked in a playful voice, pointing to all
the food.
She waited for me to reply. Instead I ran my hand through my hair, kept
my attention on the counter and shook my head.
I shifted on my feet as she ran the sandwiches through the register. The
brunette leaned forward. “You want these sandwiches warmed up?” I
nodded my head.
I heard another flirty laugh come from the barista’s mouth, then my
stomach rolled when she leaned down to rest her elbows on the countertop.
She peeked up at me and, this time, I had no choice but to meet her eyes.
She smiled again. “What’s your name?” I cleared my throat. The barista
lifted up the cups and added, “For your order.”
“Levi,” I answered quietly and handed over a fifty. The girl took it. Before
she could talk again, I muttered, “Keep the change.”
As I turned away to wait at the end of the counter, I caught sight of her
face falling at my obvious rejection, but my guilt was short-lived as I
thought of the girl in the alley. I thought back to her clothes, to her sodden
and thinning blankets. The ache was back in my chest at how she was
living. That this existence was her life.
Inhaling a deep breath, I stared out of the window, and immediately saw
the light of a cheap Seahawks store open across the road. Turning to the
barista, I laid my hand on the countertop. “I’ll be back in five minutes.” She
frowned, but shrugged.
Throwing my hood back up over my head, I left the coffee shop and ran
across the road. As soon as I entered the cluttered store, I searched around
for what I could get. Shirts, hoodies and tacky mugs reading ‘12th Man
Pride’ littered the space.
 I pushed through the racks and racks of clothes. Grabbing three smaller
more non-descript hoodies, I then rushed to a corner section housing
Seahawks fleece blankets. I grabbed two then took everything to the
register. I paid and, in no time, I had picked up the coffees and food.
Ducking down the alley, I searched all around for any sign that the
attacker had been back. It was deathly quiet. Pushing forward, I squinted
my eyes trying to adjust to the dark when I saw the girl, still hunkered down
in the corner against the wall. Even from this distance I could see her small
body was convulsing.
She was getting worse.
“It’s me, I’m back,” I said loudly as I approached, trying not to startle her.
The girl didn’t move, and for a minute, pure panic surged through my veins
that something was very wrong.
But when my feet stopped before her, she jumped, a hoarse cry leaping
from her throat. I stepped back, as those huge blue eyes fixed on mine. Her
breathing was erratic. Droplets of sweat ran down her cheeks.
“Sorry, I called out that it was me. You didn’t hear.”
The girl weakly pulled the scarf off her neck, the skin underneath flushed
and red. When she looked at my handful of goods her eyes widened. Taking
it as my chance to explain, I crouched down and held out the coffee with
cream and sugar. The girl’s brow furrowed, causing me to prompt, “It’s for
you.”
She swallowed, and my cheeks heated with nervousness at the look of
sheer gratitude on her face. Clearly seeing I wasn’t lying, she fought to
straighten her weak body and sat further up against the wall. I resisted the
urge to help her as she fought for breath. But I stayed back. She’d just been
attacked. She didn’t want my touch, even if it was kindly meant.
 The girl’s hand lifted up. I thought she was taking the coffee, until her
hand landed on her large hood and she slowly pulled it back to reveal her
face.
She kept her eyes downcast and ran her tongue over her broken lips. My
breathing was held captive in my throat, until she looked up and I released
the pent up breath. I could see that she wasn’t as young as she looked.
Something in her eyes told me she was near my age, which I quickly
realized would make it almost impossible to get her help. She wasn’t
underage. I couldn’t make her go anywhere she didn’t want to.
The silence between us became thick and stagnant. I pushed the cup
forward to her hand. The girl, regarding the cup like it was a lifeline, slowly
reached out and took in her frail grasp. For a moment I thought she might
drop the large cup and I steadied the bottom so it didn’t spill.
As my hand balanced the coffee, I could feel the magnitude of her
trembling. Placing my coffee down on the ground, I shuffled forward
helping her bring the coffee to her lips. As the first taste of the liquid hit her
lips, her eyes closed and she took in a stuttered labored breath.
“You okay?” I asked quietly. The girl opened her eyes. Her head tipped to
the side, studying my face. She hadn’t heard me. Clearing my throat again, I
repeated, “Are you okay?”
The girl watched my lips, and flickering her focus back on my eyes, she
gently nodded her head. Helping her rest the coffee on her bent knee, I
leaned back, then passed over the bag of food. I realized that she was
intently watching my mouth as I lifted the bag and deliberately said,
“Sandwiches and cookies.” My cheeks blazed under her attention, and my
stomach tightened with nerves. This was the most I’d ever spoken to a girl
in my life, and it seemed that she was even more introverted than me.
 Lastly, I pulled out the blankets and hoodies. I passed them over to where
she sat. Pointing at the wet blanket covering her body, I asked, “Can I?”
The girl froze and her eyes began to narrow. I took the bottom edge of her
ruined wet blanket in my hands and held it up for her to see. “This isn’t
keeping you warm.” A wash of sympathy ran through me. “It’s making you
sick.”
The girl didn’t move. The sympathy I felt quickly morphed into
frustration, until she shifted on the floor. Slowly, and what appeared
painfully, she lifted her hand and the coffee off the sodden material.
I exhaled in relief. I moved forward until my face was just inches from
hers. My heart was thundering in my chest at being this close. And when I
looked up, I lost my breath. The girl was watching me so intently. Her dull
eyes were flickering all around me, trying to drink in every movement I
made, every flicker on my face, every word from my mouth.
Her already labored breathing stuttered with me this close, and this time, I
knew it had nothing to do with the cold.
She was terrified.
This girl, this waif of a girl in this alley, was terrified of me. The way her
huge eyes tracked me, the helplessness and the sickness I saw in her
reminded me of how my mamma was broken on her small bed, and of Lexi
when she was ill, too weak and alone, laid up in hospital. It was why I was
compelled to stay. That and basic human duty. This girl had stolen from me,
taken the most precious thing I owned, but I saw clearly why she did it—
this was her life. This damn cesspit of an alley was her entire life.
I gripped the blanket tighter in my hand, fighting the rage of why some
people in this world just get a shit hand, when others swan by without a
care. The rage was so intense that my hand began to shake. I focused on my
hand, knowing I was close to losing it. Suddenly I felt a brush of cold—ice
coldness—on my fingers and snapped my eyes up.
The girl… the girl’s small half-gloved hand was laying atop mine. I
swallowed, then swallowed again at the sight, forcing myself to look at her
face. Her blue eyes were watching me, and when I finally met her eyes, I
paused as her head dipped down.
She was saying ‘thank you’.
My anger instantly evaporated. I didn’t move until the girl withdrew her
hand. As she did, I removed the wet blanket from her legs. Large rips
covered her jeans, only they weren’t for fashion. The anger almost returned
when I saw that the top button of her jeans had been ripped off. An inch of
her bare stomach was showing above it, and it was lightly bleeding from a
recent scratch.
The guy. The guy I’d seen attacking her had done it. If I hadn’t arrived
when I did…
Abruptly, the girl pushed her hoodie down to hide her scratch. Her cheeks
were blazing red. I knew it was from embarrassment, which pissed me off
even more. She had nothing to be embarrassed about.
Forcing myself to remain calm, I took the two blankets I’d bought and laid
them over her. I watched with bated breath, when her eyes fluttered to a
close and her hand slowly ran over the soft material. I thought my heart
would punch through my chest when her lips lifted in a ghost of a smile.
A dry blanket. That was all it took. To this girl, a dry blanket was like a
touch of heaven.
I stayed crouched down, just watching her moment of happiness, until a
blast of cold wind whipped around us. The chill seeped into my bones. I
was already soaked through and freezing. I couldn’t imagine how this girl
felt after being out here for Christ knows how long.
 I lifted my coffee off the ground and sat before her. When I looked up, the
girl was cradling her coffee in her hands, the venti sized cup seeming to
dwarf her small frame. As before, her attention was firmly fixed on me.
Shuffling on the hard ground, I said, “I know someone who can help you.”
As I spoke I counted the cracks in the asphalt below my foot. “You can’t
stay out here. It’s not safe, and you’re sick.”
Still, there was only silence.
I glanced up. The girl’s sad face was all I could see. My stomach fell. I
could see by the look on her face that she wasn’t going anywhere. Sensing
my stare, she gently shook her head. My jaw tightened as she did, and I
begged, “Please. I can’t in good conscience leave you like this,” I gestured
around the alley, “out here.”
But the girl simply dipped her head and took a sip of her coffee. Without
thinking I touched her leg, causing her to jump. Her gaze slammed to mine.
I tried one last time. “Please.”
Wide-eyed, the girl looked away. Loud voices suddenly filled the mouth of
the alley. Leaning back, I saw a bunch of what looked like frat guys taking a
piss. They were drunk off their asses and staggering around the litter
spilling from the dumpster.
I shook my head. She shouldn’t be around this. It wasn’t safe.
Holding onto my coffee, I stood. The girl rapidly turned her head toward
me. I looked down at her, and my heart squeezed seeing her big blue eyes
regarding me with questions, with uncertainty.
Moving forward, I pointed to the place beside her against the wall. The
girl looked down, and then glanced back up, a shocked expression on her
face. But she didn’t tell me no. In fact, she seemed to breathe out a crackled
sigh of relief.
 Slowly and carefully, I lowered down beside her and wrapped my arms
around myself to keep warm. It was freezing.
The girl’s arm brushed against mine. Shivers ran down my spine and I
knew it had nothing to do with the chill. I had never been this close to a girl,
ever. I laughed inside—the first time I sat beside a girl, she was homeless,
and I was trying to keep her safe. Jake and Ashton would have laughed their
asses off at this picture. I’m sure this wasn’t what Axel had planned for me
to do tonight either.
Feeling eyes on me, I turned to see the girl watching me with her
eyebrows pulled down in confusion. Her eyes fell to my lips and I said,
“I’m staying here a while. It’s not safe.”
Her pretty face molded to one of misunderstanding. I didn’t elaborate,
instead I simply said, “Sleep. I’ll keep you safe.”
The girl’s blue eyes filled with tears. I watched, my heart squeezing tight
as a tear fell down her cheek, only to splash onto the now-dampening
blanket I’d just bought for her.
Unable to see her cry, I leaned forward and questioned, “You’re tired?”
The girl hesitated to answer, until she reluctantly nodded her head. Licking
my drying lips, I slowly edged forward and stated, “Sleep. No one will hurt
you.”
As if gravitating toward the warmth of my body, the girl slumped against
my arm, her head falling on my shoulder. She still clutched her coffee in her
hand. Her body curled into me, and I glanced down at her blond dirty hair
against my arm. She seemed so lost.
I didn’t know how much time passed with her sleeping against my arm,
but when her breathing leveled out, I knew it was my chance to get to a
phone.
 As slow as possible, I lifted the girl from my arm and positioned her
against the wall. Getting to my feet, I looked to her huddled down body.
Her skin was pale, her thin body shivered, and my stomach dropped. I
didn’t want to leave her. But I had to speak to Lexi. I wasn’t sure how much
longer she could last out here in the state she was in.
Making sure the blankets hid where she lay, I ran out of the alley and
began searching the street for a payphone. It took me four streets and too
much time to make the call to Lexi, who answered on the third ring.
“Lex?” I said the minute she answered the phone. “I need your help.”
Lexi agreed to meet me at the Starbucks. As I ran back toward the alley, a
rush of guilt swept through me. I’d told Lexi I’d been at the party all night.
That I’d found the girl when the party moved on to the bars.
As I ran, I thought of my mamma. She would have done this for this girl.
She would never have allowed anyone in trouble to go without her help.
And I needed this. I needed to see another underdog make it through.
I arrived at the alley and, in seconds, sprinted to the back. But when I got
there, all that greeted me was an empty coffee cup, discarded food, and the
old blanket that had been cast on the ground.
I whipped my head around the alley, searching every inch for the girl, but
the truth was as clear as day: she’d left.
My body filled with disappointment. Bending down, I fisted my hand and
slammed it against the empty coffee cup on the ground. I ran my hand down
my face, when I saw a ripped piece of paper lying on the blanket, under the
dry protection of the sloped roof. Frowning at what it could be, I picked it
up. Two simple words were scrawled in blotted blue pen across the middle
of the page. “Thank you.”
I stared at those two simple words, and they held me frozen to the spot.
These were the only words the girl had communicated to me all night, thank
you.
I felt a pit cave in my stomach at the thought of her being out on the
streets, on her own. I thought of those huge blue eyes brimming with tears,
when I told her I would stay and keep her safe. That she could sleep without
fear.
Feeling nothing but defeat, I set off down the alley. I searched for her as
much as I could. I looked down every alley, doorway and nearby street. But
she’d gone, and I had no idea where. Running back to the payphone, I
called Lexi and told her that the girl didn’t need our help after all.
Hailing a cab, I went home. To Austin and Lexi’s mansion. To the
comforts that surrounded me, while the girl with the big blue eyes walked
the streets, sick and alone.
When I slipped into the cab’s backseat, my head fell to rest on the window,
the girl’s handwritten note firmly clutched in my hand.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Four

Levi

“Happy birthday!” Lexi sang to Ally as we entered the restaurant. Axel and
Ally were already at the table of the private back room, along with Molly
and Rome. Ally sat beside Axel, her face all smiles as her head rested on his
arm. Axel had his arm slung around her shoulder, and he drew her close to
his side. My big brother was happier than I could have ever thought
possible. The hard gangbanger that I’d always known had found a profound
peace with Ally. I glanced to Austin, holding Lexi’s hand, and saw that he
had it too.
I knew they both still missed Mamma. I knew they both mourned her
every day. The difference between them and me? They had found peace
through love. While I was completely lost.
Generally, I was a positive guy, or at least I tried to be, but I always felt
that something was missing in my life. My mind drifted back to the
homeless girl I’d sat with three days ago, and my stomach sank. She’d been
lost too, but worse, she’d been alone. I’d searched that same alley every day
since the night she fell asleep against my arm, but the pretty girl had
disappeared. The fact I hadn’t helped her when she was obviously sick
weighed heavily on my mind.
I should have done more.
Axel, seeing that we had entered, got to his feet. Ally did too. Molly and
Rome were smiling wide. I had just wondered why they were so happy,
when Ally suddenly thrust her left hand out for us to see. At first I
wondered what she was doing, then I heard Lexi squeal and run forward.
It was then that I saw the diamond perched on Ally’s finger, and my eyes
shot to my big brother. Axel was already watching me and Austin, waiting
for our reaction. Instead of saying anything, he shrugged and ran his hand
through his long hair. It was then I knew he was nervous.
Smirking at my brother, I walked forward and he pulled me in for a hug.
“Congratulations, Axe.” Moving closer to his ear, I added, “You deserve it.”
Axel held me tighter, and I heard his low voice ask, “Yeah?”
Smiling at the thought that my brother constantly tried to make up for the
past by seeking my approval, I pushed back and nodded my head. “Yeah,
Axe. You do.”
Axel cupped my cheek and rasped, “Thanks, kid.”
I had just moved to Ally to congratulate her too, when the sound of
smashing glass sounded from the kitchen. I stepped back to see what all the
noise was about, when I heard a man shouting.
“What the fuck’s happening in there?” Austin asked from beside me. I
shook my head wondering too, when the kitchen doors suddenly burst open.
What I assumed was the restaurant manager, pushed through, and in his
arms he held a girl. The girl weakly thrashed around, but made no other
sound but for her heavy, crackled breathing. Unable to clearly see what was
going on, I pushed past Rome and Molly until I caught sight of the manager
walking to his office on the other side of our private room… and the blood
drained from my face.
It was her.
The girl.
The homeless girl was in his arms.
 My heart pounded in my chest as she weakly fought the manager’s grip.
He abruptly turned and her face came into view. My stomach sank again.
She was worse. She looked worse than she did a few nights ago, which to
me seemed almost impossible.
Her thin legs dragged on the tiled floor, her body too weak to stand. The
sight sent me lurching forward. I ran at the manager, taking hold of the
girl’s outstretched arm, pulling her from his grasp. As I did, I glanced down,
seeing the girl’s glazed eyes staring up at me. Her pupils were dilated, the
whites near gray in color. I could see that although she was looking at me,
she really wasn’t seeing me. Her skin was scalding to the touch and her
forehead was glistening with sweat.
The manager reached out to take her back, but I growled, “Get the hell off
her!”
The manager stepped back, wearing a mask of confusion. “She was
stealing. I caught her stealing from the back office. I’m calling the cops.
They can deal with it. I’m not hurting her.”
A wave of protectiveness swept through me, and I hissed, “Not hurting
her? She’s sick. Can’t you see how sick she is?”
The manager glanced down at the girl in my arms, and shook his head.
“This is the third time I’ve had money stolen this month.”
I balked. How could this ass not see that she was sick? That she was
starving? He was ringing the cops instead of helping her, instead of
actually giving a damn.
“Lev, what the fuck’s going on?” I turned to Austin who had just called
my name. His arms were crossed over his broad chest and his dark
eyebrows knitted together in concern. I saw him cast a glance at the girl in
my arms. I registered the confusion in his expression.
 “She needs help,” I said. I focused on the girl, whose breathing was too
raspy and deep, too shallow. Her face was puffy and her skin was sallow,
drenched in sweat. Her eyes couldn’t maintain focus. Just as I brought her
face closer to me, her legs lost strength. I had to keep tight hold to stop her
from falling to the floor.
Lexi was suddenly at my side. “Levi?” Lexi held her hand to the girl’s
forehead. “God, she’s burning up.”
“I told her to leave when I found her in the office, but she kept going,
stuffing her jacket full of cash like I wasn’t even there, her back to me,
ignoring my words. I’ve had enough. It’s not just her that keeps doing this
to us. We can’t afford it,” the manager complained.
“Lev?” Lexi pushed, and holding the girl closer to my chest, I confided
quietly, “She’s the one who took my wallet, Lex.” I could see by the look
on Lexi’s face that she still didn’t understand what was going on.
Swallowing my pride, I confessed, “The other night, the homeless girl I
called you about. It’s her.”
“The one you saw after the party is the same girl that took your wallet?”
I sighed. “I never went to the party…” I trailed off, and felt my cheeks
burn with embarrassment.
“What?” Lexi pushed.
“I got to the party and, well, it just wasn’t my thing, okay? So I walked to
pass the time. To make y’all think I’d gone.” I looked at the girl’s face and
said, “She’s the homeless girl I called you about, Lex. The one that ran
away when I went to make the call. I saw a guy attacking her in an alley
when I was walking to get a coffee. I helped her. When I realized it was her,
the girl who stole my wallet, I tried to be pissed. But then I really saw her:
frightened, dirty, thin. I noticed she was sick and, well, hell, I felt sorry for
her. I couldn’t leave her. She was so young to be out there at night, all
alone.”
“Fuck, Lev,” Austin said from beside me.
I looked to Austin. “I couldn’t leave her there so I bought her coffee and
food, and some new blankets. I tried to convince her to come with me.” I
tipped my head in Lexi’s direction. “I tried to bring her to you. I thought we
could take her to the center, but she wouldn’t come. She didn’t speak to me,
not one word, but she was obviously terrified and cold, and weak… she
reminded me of…” I swallowed, stopping my sentence right there. But I
saw by the sympathy in Lexi’s eyes that she understood who I was talking
about. Who she’d reminded me of.
“I couldn’t be mad at her for taking my rosary, Lex. Just look at her. I had
to do something.”
Lexi turned to Austin and nodded her head. Austin didn’t say anything in
response to her silent communication. Instead, he motioned for the manager
to lead him into his office.
The minute they’d disappeared, Lexi pulled out her phone. “Who are you
calling?” I asked.
“The hospital we work with, Lev. I’m telling them we’re bringing her in.”
The girl moved in my arms. When I looked down, those big blue eyes met
mine and the thought of this girl in hospital didn’t sit right with me. I hated
hospitals. I hated the idea of her in a hospital, once again alone.
Reaching out I took Lexi’s phone from her hand. “Levi—” she said in
protest, when I pleaded, “Just send a doctor to our house. Let’s just take her
home and have a doctor come out.”
Lexi stared at me for a few seconds, as I begged her with my eyes to
understand. Sighing, she nodded her head. In minutes Lexi had called a
doctor she knew, and he was meeting us at the house.
 The door behind us opened and Austin walked out of the office. “He’s not
pressing charges,” he informed, talking about the manager. I knew he’d paid
him off. I was so thankful right now that my brother had money.
A part of me relaxed and I found myself staring at the girl again. A gentle
hand landed on my arm. “Levi, we need to get her home, now. I’m still not
convinced she won’t end up in hospital, but she needs medical attention
immediately.” I nodded at Lexi.
Knowing the girl wouldn’t be able to walk, I scooped her up in my arms.
My heart plummeted when I felt how light she was, but I rushed to the door,
home the only thing on my mind. I heard Lexi quickly explaining things to
Axel, but I was already at Austin’s truck. Hearing Austin click the locks
open, I darted inside and placed the girl on my lap. The girl moved in my
arms. As I glanced down, I thought I saw a flicker of clarity in her eyes. Her
mouth dropped as if she recognized me and she was relieved. It looked like
she wanted to say something to me, but no words emerged from her mouth.
Taking advantage of her attention while I had it, I found myself stroking a
piece of hair from her forehead, and I assured her, “You’re safe now. I’ve
got you.”
I wanted her to speak, to say something in reply. But she only exhaled
deeply. As Austin and Lexi jumped in the front seats, the girl’s pretty blue
eyes drifted shut.
She knew she was safe with me.
I held her tight all the way home.

*****

My leg shook as I sat on the couch staring into nothing. I’d been staring at
the clock on the wall of the living room, the minute hand seeming to drag as
it made its tortuous way round the black roman numerals. The doctor had
been with the girl in one of the spare rooms for about an hour.
Sighing at why it was taking too long, I sat forward, resting my elbows on
my knees. Feeling eyes on me, I looked up and Austin was watching me
from his place on the opposite couch.
“What?” I questioned. Austin sat forward mimicking my stance.
His dark eyes narrowed. “Just never seen you like this before.”
My stomach rolled. I hated being the center of attention. I shrugged, but
my mind drifted back to the girl’s lost face as I sat in front of her in that
alley. Thought back to the light touch of her hand over mine when I’d given
her coffee and the blankets, when I’d told her I would stay. When I’d sat
beside her and her head fell against my arm as she fell asleep.
Like a hot coal in the pocket of my jeans, I could feel her scribbled thank
you note burning through the leather of my new wallet. I had no idea why
I’d kept it, why it meant so much to me. Now that she was here, in my
house, in our spare room, it somehow felt poignant.
“Lev?” Austin pushed.
Keeping my head downcast, I replied, “You should have seen how she was
living, Aust. She was alone, soaked through from the rain, huddled against
a dark wall in a stinking alley. Only after I’d stopped that asshole from
attacking.” I shook my head and raked my hands through my hair. “She has
nothing, Aust.” I lifted my head and pointed at us both. “If it hadn’t been
for you, for your football, that could have been us. We were dirt poor. And
without Mamma; if you hadn’t been drafted, what the hell would have come
of us?” I flicked my chin in the direction of the spare room above us. “She’s
living the life that could have easily been ours.” A lump built in my throat,
and I sat back. “And she’s sick. Her eyes, how weak she is, her silence…” I
cleared my throat and rasped, “She reminded me so much of Mamma that I
couldn’t leave her. Helpless, you know? So I had to help her. I needed to,
something within me compelled me to.”
“Fuck, Lev. Why didn’t you tell me?” Austin asked. I shrugged.
“When I came back from calling Lex, she was gone. I looked for her for
the past few days after class and training, but I found nothing.”
“Until tonight?”
“Until tonight,” I concurred.
Silence bounced between us for several minutes, until I heard the murmur
of low voices. I turned in the direction of the stairs. Lexi and the doctor
were coming down. Unable to wait any longer, I got to my feet as they
entered the living room.
Lexi’s eyes fell on me and she smiled.
“Is she okay?” I asked.
Lexi looked to the doctor, and he spoke first. “The girl has pneumonia.”
My heart sank when he said these words, then it began pounding like a
drum. The doctor continued. “At the moment it’s not bad enough for her to
be hospitalized. I’ve given her a starter shot of strong antibiotics, and left a
week-long course for her to take orally. I’ve also arranged for an IV to be
brought in to rehydrate her.”
I blew out a breath of relief, but then Lexi stepped forward. My eyes
darted to her. “Doctor Bell found something else, Levi.”
The relief I had felt was crushed. “What?” I questioned in trepidation.
“The girl is deaf in her left ear, with only a small fraction of her hearing
functioning in the right,” the doctor explained.
My eyebrows furrowed. Suddenly images of her staring at my lips and her
silence flooded my mind. “How did you find that out?” I inquired.
The doctor pointed to his right ear. “She had a small hearing aid in her
right ear, but it’s not working. The device is not the best, it’s the most basic
type, and the way she has been living seems to have degraded what
assistance it might have afforded.”
Cold infused my body. “You mean she has been living on the streets with
no hearing?” Lexi’s face showed the sympathy I was feeling. The doctor
nodded his head.
“I’ve done a few simple tests, but I’ve organized for a friend, an
audiologist, to stop by tomorrow. As I explained to Lexi, it’ll be costly to
replace—”
“We’ll pay, whatever the cost,” I said, interrupting the doctor.
A smile spread on his lips. “Don’t worry, son. Lexi already arranged that
side of things.”
“What now?” I asked.
The doctor picked up his bag. “It’ll take a few weeks for her to regain her
strength. She’s mostly starving and severely dehydrated. Thankfully, it’s
making her sleep most of the time. The moments she’s awake she may be
incoherent. We’ll treat that too, then it’ll be about recovery to get her back
on her feet.”
I looked to Lexi, who nodded her head at my silent question. “She can
stay, Lev. After she’s feeling better, which could take a few weeks, and she
has her hearing and strength back, she can decide what she wants to do. She
appears to be over eighteen, around your age, I’d guess. Whether she wants
our help or not will be down to her. You know the drill from the center.”
I blinked, then blinked again, knowing that I would do anything I could to
make her stay, to get the help she desperately needed. “Can I go up and see
her?”
The doctor nodded. “She’s sleeping. The medication I’ve given her will
keep her sedated, just in case she wakes and becomes frightened at the
strange surroundings. She won’t hear you either, son. But yes, you can see
her.”
I nodded my head at the doctor in thanks, then pushed past them to climb
the stairs. As I picked up speed, Lexi called out, “I cleaned her up some. As
much as I could. I’ll get her into the shower when she’s stronger.”
I stopped as Lexi spoke. “Thank you,” I called, and quickly headed to the
room. I quietly pushed through the door. The room was dark but for a dull
side lamp. My eyes immediately focused on the bed in the center of the
room. My heart swelled seeing the girl looking so tiny under the white
sheets. Then it nearly burst through my chest when I stood beside the bed
and truly saw her.
A breath lodged in my throat. Lexi had done a real good job of cleaning all
the dirt from her face. Her hair had been combed and Lexi had taken her out
of her wet clothes and dressed her in some cream pajamas.
And I couldn’t stop staring.
I’d thought she could have been pretty before, but witnessing her lying
here in this bed, her face calm from sleep, cleaned up and warm, she looked
like an angel.
The girl’s hands were lying on her stomach as she slept. Two wide silver
cuff bracelets wrapped around both of her wrists, and a gold necklace lay
around her throat. I could still hear her chest crackle with the fluid in her
lungs, but she looked peaceful. After seeing how uncomfortable she was on
the ride home, this was good.
The room was silent as she slept, and I dropped down to the sit on the side
of the bed. The girl didn’t stir, but my heart thundered in my chest. I opened
my mouth to speak, but immediately shut it when I remembered she
couldn’t hear. My head dipped to the side as I watched her. Her eyes
fluttered under closed lids. I wondered what she was dreaming about.
 My eyebrows furrowed when I wondered what it was like for her to live in
a world of silence. With the hearing aid she heard the world, but Christ
knows how long she’d been living without that device. Wandering the
streets, hungry and homeless, the noise of Seattle on mute.
She must have been terrified.
I didn’t know why, but as her finger twitched on her lap in sleep, I found
myself reaching out and holding her cold frail hand in mine. I swallowed
and blinked at the sight.
It was the first time in my life I had ever held hands with a girl.
The pretty girl who lived in silence.
The one I’d needed to save.
The one I’d wait beside to wake up.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Five

Elsie

I came home from school to see the door of our small apartment open. My
heart raced in panic as I feared what I would find on the other side of the
door. The lock had been snapped off and I closed my eyes. The landlord
would come calling again, demanding for it to be fixed. My mom was on
her last chance with him. It wouldn’t be long until we were back on the
streets.
I turned my head to the right, desperately trying to hear if anyone was in
our apartment. I couldn’t hear anything, so I pushed the door open and
stepped inside. My stomach immediately plummeted. Our studio apartment
was trashed, our one chair and side stool overturned, all smashed up.
My eyes tracked across the room to the bed that Mom and I shared. I
sighed both in relief and pain as I saw my mom lying on the bed, alive and
breathing but passed out, her empty syringes strewn beside her. My mom’s
arm was stretched out, the track marks from where she’d shot up were still
prominent against the paleness of her skin.
Running to the kitchen, I rushed to the far cabinet. I needed to check the
tin was still there. It was rent money that I kept hidden. If I didn’t keep it
hidden, my mom would use it to buy drugs.
I jumped up onto the counter top and stretched my hand up to the highest
shelf. Panic rushed through me when I couldn’t feel a thing. My hand
picked up speed, swiping along every inch of the old cabinet, but nothing
was there.
 I jumped off the counter and searched the floor, only to see the upturned
tin hidden behind the bust door. I knew I’d find it empty. I knew that my
mom’s supplier had come for the money she owed.
Feeling as though my feet weighed a thousand pounds, I walked to the tin,
feeling no surprise when not even a dime spilled out to the floor.
A flash of anger came and went. I only ever managed to feel frustration
towards my mom for a few seconds, before intense sympathy for her
horrible life took root.
Sighing in defeat, I closed the door as tightly as I could and began picking
the broken furniture off the floor. It didn’t take me long to clean up the mess.
When all the debris was cleared, I packed the few clothes we owned into
our small bag. It wouldn’t be long until the landlord came to evict us. The
money that I’d managed to save from my mom’s welfare and disability
checks was running with her bloodstream, and sitting in her supplier’s
wallet.
Making the apartment as clean as I could, I walked to my mom who was
lying on the bed. A lump clogged my throat as I saw her blue eyes open,
watching me. Her pupils were dilated, but I knew she could see me. It was
rare that my mom wasn’t high. These moments were constant.
Carefully moving the needle and foiled up heroin from the bed, I placed
them on the floor. I sat on the mattress and stroked the damp strands of
blond hair from my mom’s forehead. She smiled when I ran my finger down
her face.
“Hi mom,” I said. I watched as her eyes read my lips.
My mom lifted her hand and struggled to sign. “Hi, baby girl.”
I smiled back, but tears built in my eyes when I wondered what would
come next for us. My mom, even in her drugged up state, must have realized
this as she placed her hand on my cheek and said aloud, “No crying… baby
girl.”
I closed my eyes at the sound of my mom’s voice. She hated speaking
aloud, as did I, because people only ever made fun of us. But we could talk
to each other, free and without fear of mocking. And to me, her voice was
beautiful. It was home.
“Come,” my mom said, weakly tapping the bed beside her. Doing as she
said, I laid on the pillow-less bed, facing her direction.
Mom smiled at me as she stroked through my hair. Her eyes began to
close, her body forcing her to sleep to cope with the drugs. But as with
every night before she slept, she placed her hand on my cheek, as I did on
hers, and she drew our foreheads together. My mom rarely spoke, instead
she struggled by using her messy and mostly incorrect sign language, or
through actions that were simply between her and I. Just like this.
I love you.
Our hands on each other’s cheek, and our forehead’s joined, was our ‘I
love you’. Needing my mother’s comfort right now, I kept my hand on her
face as she fell asleep.
But I never slept. I never slept knowing the landlord would be coming to
kick us out.
Which he did two hours later, when we returned to the streets, to the cold
and wet and rain, back begging for money, until they took me away.
Took me away and ruined my life…
My eyes rolled open and I lifted my hand to my cheek. For a moment I
thought everything had been a dream and I was still on my bed with my
mom’s hand holding my cheek. But my palm met my skin and I blinked and
blinked as my fuzzy sight cleared.
 A white ceiling came into view, and it took me a few seconds for the panic
to set in.
Where am I?
My body felt heavy and numb, but I told myself to move. Just as I rolled
on the soft bed that I was laid in, the sound of a female voice met my ear. I
froze. I heard a female voice. I heard. I racked my foggy brain to recall the
last time that I had heard anything. I didn’t know how long it had been since
my hearing aid had stopped working, but I knew it was a long time ago.
My heart beat faster and faster, confusion and fear taking a strong hold of
my body. Suddenly, someone entered the room.
My breathing was shallow as my eyes slammed to the opening door, only
to see a small black-haired woman walk in. When she cast a glance to the
bed, she startled at seeing me sitting up. Her hand landed on her chest, and
a smile broke out on her face. That smile calmed something within me. She
looked kind. She appeared relieved as she looked at me with interest.
“Hello,” she said clearly and slowly. Out of habit, I read her lips as she
sounded out the words. The woman edged further into the room, and said,
“My name is Lexi. You’re safe. You’re in my home.”
I frowned and looked about the large room. My eyes widened when I saw
the expensive furniture against the walls. I nearly gasped as the large
window showed a crystal clear view of a river beyond.
A hand landed on my arm, and my head turned in the direction of the
woman. “Can you hear me okay?” she asked. I could see the concern on her
face.
My hand instinctively lifted to my right ear. I nodded my head when I
realized I could hear, better than ever before. I could pick up background
noises that I had never heard before. A sudden rush of happiness washed
over me, and tears filled my eyes.
 I could hear again.
I was no longer trapped in the silence.
“Honey,” the woman said quietly as she sat on the edge of the bed. I stared
at her, trying to recognize who she was and why I was here in her home.
But she was a stranger to me.
As if hearing my thoughts, she said, “You’re probably a little afraid and
confused right now, but there’s no need to be.” I sat back on the bed, feeling
too weak to be sitting up straight. Lexi, the woman had said was her name,
laid her hand on mine. “My brother-in-law knows you, sweetie. We helped
you a few nights ago.” Lexi’s head dipped. “You’re sick, honey. You have
pneumonia.” Fear ran through me, but she quickly offered assurance.
“You’ve been on medication and you’re responding perfectly to it. You’ve
been in and out of consciousness for the past few days.” Her face wore the
kind smile again. “It makes me real happy to see you up and awake.”
I took a deep breath absorbing all that she was saying. I lifted my hand to
my ear again, but this time, I held the woman’s eyes and pointed to the aid.
Lexi nodded her head.
“When the doctor examined you, he discovered your old hearing aid. It
was broken beyond repair, but we got you a new one. The doctor told us
you should have eighty percent hearing in your right ear now. He thought
the last one only gave you about forty, if that.”
That was why I could hear more. This woman, this woman who had cared
for me, had given me back my sound. She had, in turn, given me back the
world.
Laying my hand on my chest, I lowered my head in thanks. The woman,
seeming to understand my action, squeezed my hand. “No need to thank
me, honey, it was all Levi.”
 My head snapped up at the mention of that name. The woman jumped,
startled by my reaction. “You okay?” she asked.
I opened my mouth to ask her questions, but she was a stranger. I
couldn’t... I just couldn’t talk to strangers. I couldn’t let them hear my
voice.
I closed my mouth, when Lexi’s head tipped to the side. “Honey, can you
speak?” she asked. I paused wondering if she would make fun of my voice.
Speak, dumbfuck. Speak. Let her hear that horrible sound. She knows you
can… but it’s embarrassing, isn’t it, dumbfuck? Your ugly as fuck voice is as
stupid as you. Ugly and fucking dumb.
My body stiffened as I heard the echo of Annabelle’s taunts in my head.
Heard her mocking laughter and dilapidating words circle my mind, and my
body froze with fear.
Too afraid to open myself up to judgment, I shook my head, no. I couldn’t
speak. I wouldn’t ever speak again.
Looking around me, I searched for the pen and paper I always kept with
me, but I couldn’t see it. “What are you looking for, honey?” Lexi asked.
Lifting up my hand, I mimed using a pen and paper. Lexi lifted her hand
and walked to a dresser at the back of the room. She opened a drawer and
brought over a pen and notepad.
Shaking my hand to relax my tense muscles, I took the pen and wrote,
“Levi? The boy from the alley?”
I held up the pad of paper to Lexi and she nodded her head. “Yes, sweetie.
I’m married to his brother. Levi lives here too, but in the pool house across
the backyard.” I stretched my neck up to see the building Lexi was pointing
too, and a flush of warmth filled my chest. Levi. Levi Carillo had helped
me. He had saved me. Even when I’d pushed him away.
 Feeling Lexi watching me, my cheeks warmed and I wrote, “I don’t
remember much.” I paused, a memory of me lying in strong arms filled my
mind. Strong arms, bright gray eyes, and full lips that told me I was safe.
My cheeks burned brighter and I dropped the pen, not willing to share this
intimate memory with Lexi. It was just for me.
Lexi shuffled forward, and asked, “What’s your name, honey?”
Taking the pen again, I scribbled down, “Elsie.”
“Elsie,” Lexi read when I held up the pad of paper. Her smile returned.
“What a beautiful name.” Lexi’s smile faded, and she asked, “How old are
you, Elsie?”
I had to think hard about when I had my last birthday. Living on the
streets, birthdays and dates didn’t really matter.
Calculating the months in my head, I wrote, “Eighteen. I will be nineteen
in a couple of weeks.”
Lexi nodded again, and said, “Just a bit younger than Levi.” At the
mention of Levi again, my heart seemed to miss a beat and the same
warmth from before infused my body.
Lexi, stood from the bed. “I’m going to get you some food, Elsie. You
need to eat to build your strength. You got too thin out on the streets.”
Something worrying seemed to cross Lexi’s face. She moved closer to me,
and this time she sat right by my side. Lexi took a deep breath, and said,
“Elsie, because you’re eighteen, it’s up to you whether you choose to stay
here and get better, or leave.” My chest tightened as she spoke, then she
added, “I want you to stay. I can’t bear the thought of you returning to the
streets.” Her hand then landed on my arm and traveled down to my wrist
that was covered by my bracelet, one of the two bracelets I never took off.
Her thumb delicately ran over the metal, directly over the scar that was
hidden below.
 Dumbfuck, no one wants you. No one can stand that voice. No one can
stand your stupid written notes.
I met Lexi’s eyes, Annabelle’s denigrating voice once again pushing
through as Lexi shined a light on my biggest shame. But Lexi’s obvious
sympathy and understanding only shone back at me, the haunting cruel
voice of Annabelle floating to the farthest reaches of my mind.
“I don’t know anything about your life, and I would never presume to
understand what you have been through, but you’re safe now. And if you let
us, we would all like to help you in any way we can.”
This time, the tears brimming in my eyes fell onto my cheeks. No one had
ever shown me such unconditional kindness before. In the past, these offers
always came with terms that I would never agree to.
I was overcome.
Lexi didn’t say anything else on the matter. Instead she got to her feet and
walked to the door. Just before leaving, she said, “Levi has been real
worried about you, Elsie. He’s been coming up here every day after his
classes to make sure y’all are well. He keeps you company. He sits by your
bed and keeps you safe.” What she said caused the pulse in my neck to
increase in speed and all I could think of was the boy from the alley, the one
who brought me coffee and let me rest on his shoulder, cared for me. I
didn’t understand the how or the why, but it filled me with happiness all the
same.
Lexi left the room, and after a while, returned with food. As soon as I had
eaten, Lexi showed me the bathroom attached to the room, and clothes that
she had bought me. It all felt like a dream. She kept me company for a
while, but it wasn’t long before my body felt drained.
Lexi stood. “You need to sleep, honey. It’s gonna take you a while to fight
the pneumonia. Sleep as much as you can.”
 My eyes were shut before I’d even had a chance to say thank you. I didn’t
know how long I slept, but the night had drawn in when I heard the sound
of a deep voice coming from beyond the bedroom door. The room was dark,
and when it became clear who that voice belonged to, I closed my eyes
again. My heart pounded as I heard the door open and he stepped through.
“She’s exhausted, Lev,” a female voice said. I recognized it as Lexi’s.
The silence stretched for a few seconds, before the deep voice asked, “But
she was awake today? She spoke to you?” I fought for breath as I listened to
the boy’s deep graveled voice. And his accent, it was southern and strong,
causing my cheeks to glow. The sound of his soft sweet drawl suited the shy
boy who had cared for me. And his beautiful voice, if I remembered
correctly, suited his beautiful face.
“She didn’t speak,” Lexi whispered. “She told me she couldn’t. But she
wrote on a pad of paper. Her name is Elsie, Lev. She’s eighteen, nearly
nineteen.”
“Elsie,” Levi repeated, then cleared his throat. The way his voice wrapped
around my name sent butterflies straight to my stomach.
“She’s a sweet girl, Lev. I can see why you wanted to help her. Beautiful
too,” Lexi added. “But then I’m sure you already saw that for yourself.”
I heard the floorboards creak as if someone was rocking back and forth on
their feet. “Yeah,” Levi suddenly whispered, and I felt like I had melted into
the soft mattress.
Levi thought me beautiful?
“I’m just gonna sit with her a while, Lex.”
“Okay, honey,” Lexi replied. I heard the door close. Levi and I were alone,
together, in the room.
I wanted to lift my head. I wanted to see what Levi Carillo looked like,
without me being sick and confused. And I really wanted to thank him. I
wanted to thank him for saving me—for caring enough to want to.
No one had ever cared before.
But I couldn’t. I was too terrified. With this boy, fear held my body and
mind captive, leaving me frozen on the bed, eyes closed, faking sleep.
The chair’s legs beside me scraped on the floor, then I felt Levi’s presence
as he faced me and sat down. I was sure he’d see through the fact that I was
awake; that or the loud beating of my heart would be picked up by his
perfect hearing and reveal how unnerved I felt in his presence. But nothing
of the like happened. Levi sat in silence. I breathed steadily through my
panic.
I listened, thankful my right ear was not laying on the pillow so I could
hear him. His scent drifted into my nose, bringing in tow a feeling of peace.
His scent was spiced and warm. It was strange, but it reminded me of the
feeling of holding cold hands to an open fire, of drinking a hot drink on a
winter’s night—welcomed, and calming… needed.
Levi didn’t move the entire time he sat there, but it was long enough for
my pretend sleep to change into true sleep. As my breathing evened out,
and my mind drifted away, I felt rough fingers land ever so gently on mine,
and a voice at my ear whisper, “Goodnight, Elsie. Sleep tight.”
At the sound of the bedroom door closing, I mentally touched my face; for
the briefest of moments I thought there was a whisper of a smile on my lips.
No, I corrected, I was sure it was there, because it had to match the ghost of
a smile that had taken root in my heart.

*****

I woke during the night and a deep unease immediately crept over me. The
room was pitch black. I didn’t like the darkness. I felt the stirrings of
anxiety thread across my chest, and I reached out to search for the bedside
light. My hand hopped over the wooden side table, until I found a wire and,
at the end, a switch. I clicked it on and a dull glowing light filled the room.
I breathed deep, holding my chest.
I hated the dark.
The voices came in the dark. Annabelle’s cruel words attacked me at
night, when I was most vulnerable, when the memories hurt the worst.
I sat up. The clock on the nightstand told me it was past midnight. I
touched my head, it was damp and sticky. My eyes drifted across to the
bathroom and, before I knew it, my legs were carrying me through to the
huge shower. I didn’t want to wake anybody, but Lexi had assured me that
no one would be disturbed by me from this room in the house.
As the bathroom filled with hot steam, I stripped off my pajamas and my
skin goose-bumped at the thought of having a shower. A shower. I hadn’t
had a shower in… I didn’t know how long. Long enough that I’d
completely forgotten what it even felt like. On the streets I sneaked into
public restrooms and washed myself down before they closed, before the
nighttime’s unsavory characters began walking the streets.
I stepped into the shower and I closed my eyes, just standing under the hot
stream of clean water. Lexi had left all kinds of shampoos, conditioners,
body washes and razors for me to use. It was the longest shower of my life.
When I stepped out and wrapped myself in the soft towel hanging on a
hook, I felt human again. It was funny how being a nothing person on the
street, someone people ignored like you were not even there, takes away
your conviction that you really are someone. That you matter too.
That you’re human.
I was in the bathroom for an hour or more, indulging in the use of a blow
dryer and tubs of moisturizer. As I was about to leave, dressed in a fresh
pair of pajamas Lexi had put in a closet, I caught my reflection in the floor
length bathroom mirror. I stopped dead in my tracks. I stared at the girl
looking back.
I didn’t recognize her. Her blond hair seemed three shades lighter than I
had remembered it being—the result of it being clean. Her skin was clear,
not dull or pale. Yes, I could see that she was still sick, but her skin was
smooth and there was some color in her cheeks.
Even when my mom and I had lived in one of our many temporary
apartments, we rarely had hot water. If we did, we couldn't afford shampoo,
conditioner or body wash to clean ourselves properly. A momentary flash of
pain sliced through me when I thought of my mom, but I chased it away,
and entered the huge bedroom.
And I stood there. I was no longer tired, but I had no idea what to do. Lexi
had shown me how to use the television, but I had no interest in watching it.
Wrapping my arms around my chest, I found myself gravitating to the
large window that overlooked the river. I pulled back the heavy curtains.
My jaw hit the floor as I was presented with a perfectly clear night. It had
rained almost every day for as long as I could remember, but now that I had
a roof over my head, the weather was clear and dry. I laughed a humorless
laugh to myself.
Typical.
I sat on the wide ledge and stared at the reflection of the bright silver
moon glistening on the still river. I sighed, thinking that it looked like an oil
painting, before my eyes next drifted to the pool house across the huge
yard. As I gazed upon the building my stomach flipped, imagining who was
inside.
As if I could still feel his touch, I lifted my hand and bought it to my chest.
I thought of his face and his voice. That voice. I always listened to voices.
Most people I had ever known would look at eyes, lips or other facial
features. But being deaf as a child prompted a fascination with voices. I
believed I could tell a lot about a person just by listening to their tone and
inflection. Or maybe I was just fascinated because I chose not to speak.
Maybe I was fascinated with voices because I hated mine so much. Because
I’d been picked apart and cruelly ridiculed for my voice, so much so that it
almost broke me. Broken over something I couldn’t control.
I dropped my hand from my chest before more bad memories surfaced,
before her voice struck my heart. I itched to write, to express my thoughts
and feelings in words, on paper.
I looked around the room and remembered that Lexi said she had washed
my clothes, and put my things in the closet. I walked to the closet, and there
on a shelf, were my worn and worthless clothes. My pen and pad of paper
were lying beside them. I reached forward to pull out my leather jacket and
found the back zipped pocket I was looking for. I exhaled in relief when my
hand felt the string of old wooden beads and the old picture. When I
dropped my leather jacket I stared down at the rosary I’d kept from the
wallet I had stolen.
Levi Carillo’s wallet.
Shame swept through me. I had stolen his wallet, a fact I was sure he
knew. Yet he had still helped me. He hadn’t held it against me, quite the
opposite.
I followed my feet to the large window, clutching the rosary and picture in
my hand. I wondered what it meant to him.
He deserved it to be returned.
I stood, eyes fixed on the pool house, until I decided to hand them back
now. I grabbed the new Ugg boots Lexi had bought me, and slipped them
onto my feet. Making sure my hearing aid was firmly fixed in place, I snuck
out of my room, down the stairs, and out into the yard from the kitchen
doors. As the night wind wrapped around me I immediately felt a chill
ripple down my spine. Wrapping my arms around my waist, I ran across the
yard to the pool house. Though the lights were off, I silently tried the
doorknob and, to my relief, it opened.
I was used to sneaking around; years of practice stealing food and money
served me well. I slipped in and quickly closed the door. A pool house, I
thought, taken aback by its sheer size. This pool house was a typical
family’s house in its own right.
As my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, they landed on a huge
bed in the center. My heart fired in my chest. Levi. Levi, asleep in the
middle of the bed, a sheet covering his lower half. His broad muscled back
was bare.
I remained transfixed on his naked top half, and nerves began to accost my
body. I could hear my own breathing. It sounded like thunder in my ear.
And seeing Levi’s solid back, triggered an instant replay of his deep
southern drawl whispering my name.
I wasn’t exactly sure how long I stayed at the door trying to gather my
wits. But when the rosary’s chain began to slip from my grasp, I pushed
myself forward. I walked as quietly as possible to the edge of the bed. I
tried to keep my focus straight ahead, but my curiosity about this boy
forced my eyes to dip and study him up close.
My hands squeezed together as I watched him sleep. His face was pointing
in my direction and his muscled arms were snuggled under his pillow. Even
in this dim light, even with his adorably messy fair hair in a state of disarray
through sleep, I could see just how perfect this boy really was. Beautiful
and kind—my mom had always told me there was no such thing. After my
life on the streets, after being in that home, I was inclined to agree… until I
met this boy. Levi Carillo—the boy with a pure heart.
Inhaling deep, my cheeks blushed as I drank in his spiced warm scent. As
I did, the butterflies swooped in force into my stomach, and I knew I
needed to leave.
Unraveling the Rosary from my hand, I reached out to place it on his
bedside table. As quietly as possible, I laid the wooden beads and the
picture on the wooden table. But as I was pulling my hand away, gentle
fingers wrapped round my wrist. When I looked down, a pair of sleepy
stormy-gray eyes collided with mine.
He was awake.
I froze. I could do nothing but stand here, locked in his stare. Levi’s face
was searching mine, until his gaze drifted to the side table, and the rosary
beads and picture that were now on the tabletop. This time, as he saw those
beads, that picture, his expression told me everything he was feelingthe dip
of his Adam’s apple as he swallowed, and the fluttering of his impossibly
long black lashes as he blinked back water from his eyes.
The moment was fractured and suspended. As I watched this beautiful
boy, all the breath left my body when he peered up at me through shy eyes.
His tongue peeked out, he wet his dry lips and whispered, “Thank you.”
I thought he would let go of my wrist so I could run back to my room, but
his fingers kept hold. Instead, his thumb timidly moved and ran over the
back of my hand. I waited, anxious and nervous, then he murmured,
“Elsie.”
I was sure my heart shattered apart into a million tiny pieces. I was sure, as
the sensation in my chest was almost too much to bear.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Six

Levi

I couldn’t believe she was in my room.

I couldn’t believe that she was here before me, looking like she did. I
thought I was dreaming when I saw a flash of blond hair against the
darkness of the night. Until I watched her small hand place something on
the bedside counter. My heart had doubled in time when I saw the familiar
brown beads, when I saw that tarnished silver cross—my mamma’s rosary,
which meant everything to me. And the picture. The small copied picture I
kept with me always.
And she had given them back. Like an honest thief in the night, she was
bringing back the one precious thing I truly treasured.
Acting on impulse, I refused to let her drop off the beads and leave. I
reached forward and took hold of her wrist. I couldn’t not when she was
here, in the night, looking like this.
Automatically my hand held her wrist; nerves quickly followed, my
stomach flipping upside down. I had no idea where to go from here. Then
her eyes darted to mine and all bets were off.
Every part of me stilled, then like it was its own force, like I had no choice
but to speak her name, I rasped, “Elsie.”
Elsie’s wrist jerked in my hand as I uttered her name, and I sighed. She’d
heard me. This pretty lost girl had heard me. Her head tipped to the right,
the side on which she could hear, as if to hear more.
 Like the spreading of wildfire, I felt the blush building within me, coating
every inch of my skin. Elsie’s arm trembled in mine. As it did, my eyes
drank in her pale skin and I couldn’t help but stroke my thumb over the
back of her hand. It was so soft.
Hearing Elsie’s breathing hitch, I quickly released her arm. She didn’t
move. She didn’t run out the door like I expected. Instead, she stayed at the
side of my bed, with her head downcast.
She was as shy as me.
Taking in a deep breath, I reached to the side lamp and turned on the light.
Shuffling to sit up in bed, I noticed Elsie’s attention drift to my bare torso,
only to immediately dip her head again to focus on the floor. A twinge of
satisfaction sparked inside me, seeing that she was affected by me.
I thanked God I had my sweatpants on the bottom. The silence thickened.
We both felt awkward and uncomfortable, but even this strained silence
didn’t prevent me from looking again at Elsie. Her head was still dipped,
and she played with her hands, showing how nervous she really was.
Sighing, I reached for the rosary beads on my side table, immediately
feeling relief at having them back. It was stupid how lost I’d felt without
them. It was irrational, even Axel had said so, but having them back… I felt
like I had a lost piece of my heart back with me again.
I ran the wooden beads through my hand and said, “Thank you for
bringing these back. And the picture. You have no idea how much they
mean to me.”
Elsie didn’t speak, I never expected her to. When I looked up, she was
watching me. Elsie nodded her head, then lifted her hand to lay it on the
thin gold locket around her neck. She held the locket in her fingers and laid
her hand over her heart.
 I watched her in fascination, when I realized she was trying to tell me
something. I sat further forward, studying her every move, until I guessed,
“You know how it feels.” Elsie inhaled deeply through her nose, then
nodded. I could tell by the sad expression on her face that whatever
sentiment the locket held was as important to Elsie as the beads were to me.
“The locket,” I said, as Elsie released the locket to lay back on her lower
neck, “it means a lot to you.”
Elsie nodded and, using her hands, she drew a circle in the air.
“Everything,” I said, understanding its silent meaning. Elsie glanced up at
me through her lashes and a small smile pulled on her lips.
Light burst through me at that tiny smile. Throwing the comforter off my
legs, I quickly straightened the bed. As I turned to speak again to Elsie, she
was heading for the door.
“Please don’t leave,” I called out to her retreating back. Elsie stopped dead
in her tracks. My hands clenched into fists at the frustration of what to say
now. Instead I simply spoke what I wanted most. “Don’t go,” I asked softly.
“Stay a while.”
Elsie’s shoulders were tight and strained, until they dropped. She turned
again, fingers fidgeting at her sides.
Lowering myself down to sit on the bed, I said, “Talk to me a while.”
Alarm spread on Elsie’s face and she shook her head vigorously, pressing
her hand to her lips. Her wide blue eyes implored me to understand.
“You don’t talk,” I ventured, hoping it would calm her down. She looked
to the door, then back to me. I could see she was about to bolt.
Standing up, I kept my distance, but asked, “How do you communicate
with people?”
Elsie mimed using paper and pen. Moving to my desk, I took out a fresh
pad of paper and a pen, and held them out. Elsie looked to them like they
were gold. Another piece of my heart broke for her at that moment.
I didn’t speak to folk because I was crippled with shyness. I couldn’t
imagine what it was like not to be able to talk.
Elsie took the paper and pen, and dipped her head. I knew she was
thanking me. I slowly moved back to my bed and sat down. I pointed at the
spot beside me, feeling nervous shivers running down my spine.
Elsie rocked on her feet, then she stepped forward, walking painstakingly
slowly to where I was sitting. As she sat down beside me, clutching the
paper and pen to her chest, the smell of coconuts drifted past my nose.
“You smell nice,” I blurted, then shook my head at how stupid that
sounded. Feeling my face set alight, I mumbled, “I mean your hair or
whatever you used to wash with, smells nice. Of coconuts or whatever…” I
trailed off and ran a hand down my face. “Sorry,” I said without looking up.
“I’m not real good with talking to girls. To anyone.”
I kept my focus down as silence followed. Then to my shock, a warm hand
covered my hand. My eyes snapped up in time to witness Elsie’s mouth
curling up into a smile. The smile was like a hammer blow to my stomach.
Elsie released her hand to write on the paper. As she wrote, the tip of her
tongue rested on her upper lip in concentration. I didn’t know why, but I
thought it was the cutest thing I’d ever seen in my life.
Elsie lowered the pen, then turned the paper for me to read. My eyes
scanned the perfect cursive words. “I’m not good with talking either.”
Relief ran through me, and I met Elsie’s eyes. “We’re similar.” Elsie fixed
her focus on the rosary beads still in my hands and began writing again.
I waited to see what she would say. She eventually turned the page for me
to view. “I’m sorry for taking your wallet. I didn’t know the beads were in
there, or the picture. I would never have taken them if I’d known. I had seen
you drive in to the college in a nice car and thought you would have cash.”
She took the pad back, scribbled something else down, and showed it to me.
“I discarded your wallet when it had no cash, but I kept hold of the rosary.
Something made me keep it safe.” I went to speak when she held up her
hand and wrote something else. This time her expression turned to
embarrassment and she wrote, “I don’t deserve all you have done for me.”
Elsie was still staring at the page. Placing my hand over her writing, I
forced her to look up. “Yeah, I kinda think you do.”
Elsie blinked and her blue eyes grew glossy. Pain sliced through my
stomach at seeing her so vulnerable. I wasn’t good with words, wasn’t good
with comforting people.
Changing the subject, I asked, “You couldn’t sleep tonight?”
Elsie shrugged, but I could see there was something more from the
expression on her face. My finger traced the textured pattern on the
comforter and I prompted, “Why?”
Elsie hesitated to write on the paper, but eventually she did. I waited,
drinking in the scent of her newly-washed hair. It was so light and long. Her
skin was bright and she looked good. Real good.
My admiration was interrupted when Elsie turned the paper for me to read.
As I read her words, sadness filled my heart. “I don’t like the dark. I hate
silence. I woke up and the room was too dark, too unfamiliar and too
quiet… I was afraid. Bad thoughts come into my head at night, when there’s
no light.”
I briefly closed my eyes, and nodded my head. “Yeah,” I rasped. “I used to
feel like that when we moved in this place too.” I motioned around the pool
house. “I wasn’t brought up in anything like this. We were poor back in
Bama, real poor. And we lived in a real bad area. I hated the dark because
where I’m from bad things happened in the dark.”
 As I finished speaking, my eyebrows pulled down in surprise. I’d never
told anyone that much about my past. Ever.
When I looked at Elsie, I could see the confusion and surprise etched on
her face. I shrugged, feeling my cheeks flush. “All this, this house. It’s
Austin’s, my brother’s. He plays for the Seahawks. He saved us.”
Elsie’s face was almost comical when I told her who Austin played for.
Hating that what I had said made her uncomfortable, an idea came to my
head.
Jumping to my feet, I nervously walked to my desk. Seeing the mason jar
that held my pens, I tipped it upside down and turned back to Elsie. “When
I grew up in Bama, and we had no money to pay for electricity, my mamma
used to have a trick to light the trailer.” I laughed thinking of those old
memories and shook my head. “Now, we’re in Seattle, so things aren’t quite
the same as being back in Tuscaloosa.” I glanced to Elsie and I huffed a
quiet laugh at seeing her head tipped to the side and her pretty face wearing
a mask of confusion.
“Come with me?” I asked, trying my best to keep the shaking from my
voice.
Elsie paused for a minute, but then timidly got to her feet. I towered over
her small frame.
On a deep breath, I moved to the door. Hearing the wind pick up outside I
stopped, and looked behind me. Elsie was following and she stopped too on
seeing my hard stare. I looked at her thin pajamas and chastised myself
about the fact she was still sick.
Elsie’s expression questioned what I was doing. I held up my hand and
moved to the closet. I pulled out one of my Huskies football hoodies, and
walked to where she stood. Elsie flicked her timid eyes in my direction, and
I handed the hoodie to her. “You best put this on, it’s pretty cold outside.”
 I took the paper and pen from Elsie and she slipped on the sweatshirt.
When she flicked her long golden hair from the hood, I couldn’t help but
smile at how low the sweatshirt hung on her body; how big it was compared
to her small height. It drowned her.
Clearing my throat, I tore my eyes away and made to move from the door,
when I saw Elsie tucking her nose into the collar of the hoodie and inhaled.
Embarrassed that it hadn’t been washed since I’d worn it for class a few
days ago, I said, “If it ain’t clean I can get you another one.”
Elsie paused, then tucking her arms around her waist, she gently shook her
head. Her cheeks reddened and she dipped her eyes. At first I was confused
at why she was embarrassed, but as she lifted the collar of my hoodie to her
nose once again, this time, it was my turn to redden. She liked that my
smell was on it.
My feet carried me right to where she was standing. Elsie dropped her
arms as I came closer. My heart was pounding, my palms sweating but,
through force of will, I lifted my hands up and gently pulled the hoodie’s
ties tighter to her neck. Elsie’s blue eyes were bright and wide, and I found
myself whispering, “It’s cold outside, you need to stay warm.”
Elsie smiled and nodded her head. Lowering my hands, I clutched the jar
to my chest and told her, “We’re just going across to the yard. Lexi has a
craft shed out there.”
I saw Elsie’s head move back as if she was questioning what we were
doing. I ran my hand through my hair and flicked my head in the direction
of the door. “Come on, I’ll explain when we’re there.”
Turning, I walked out of the door, holding it open for Elsie to slip through.
As soon as we stepped outside, a powerful rush of wind wrapped around us.
Elsie laughed as the blast of wind blew through her hair. I stilled. I just had
to pause just for one minute. She’d laughed. Elsie had laughed. She’d made
a sound. It was a light soft sound, a sound just as pretty as she was.
As if realizing this too late, Elsie stopped laughing and her expression
filled with sudden fear. I had no idea why she wouldn’t or couldn’t speak,
but I could see that it worried her that I’d heard her soft laugh.
There was no reason she should have been embarrassed in front of me. I
heard Elsie inhale deeply as I pointed toward the shed on the other side of
the yard.
I opened the door, and switched on the light as soon as we were through.
The wind slapped against the glass windows as I moved to the table in the
center of the room. I placed the jar on top, and turned to see Elsie’s mouth
slightly open as she admired the inside of the shed. ‘Shed’ wasn’t exactly
the ideal word to describe this place. It was huge, a place where Lexi came
to relax, a place where she brought Dante to play.
Elsie walked to the shelves which were filled with every material and craft
item you could think of. She ran a hand lightly over the fabrics hanging on
their rolls.
“Crazy, hey?” I said, pointing around the room when Elsie looked my way.
Elsie shrugged, then laid her hand over her heart. I studied the movement
trying to understand what it meant, when she smiled and pointed at
embroidered pictures hanging on a wall.
She liked the room. That was what she was trying to say.
Leaving her to explore, I took out what I needed and sat down on one of
the wooden chairs at the round table in the center. As Elsie moved past the
final shelf, she came over to where I was sitting and, hesitantly, stood by
my side. Pulling out another wooden chair, I motioned for her to sit down.
Tucking a fallen piece of hair behind her ear, Elsie sat down and I watched
with amusement as she studied what I’d laid out. Suddenly feeling pathetic,
I shifted on my seat and admitted, “This is probably a real dumb idea.” I ran
my hand down my face, just to do something with my hands, and said,
“Lexi did it for Dante’s—my baby nephew’s—room a while back. It came
to mind when you wrote about not liking the dark.” The more I looked at
the damn jar and ribbon lying on the table, the more I was convinced this
was a stupid idea.
Deciding to cut my losses, I shook my head and got to my feet. Elsie
jumped as I did so and stared up at me, her doe eyes filled with questions.
Rocking on my feet, I explained, “It’s a stupid idea, Elsie. Don’t know what
I was thinking.”
Elsie’s attention moved back to the table. I stayed rooted to the spot, my
chest heaving in embarrassment, when Elsie blinked up at me again, her
long lashes shadowing on her cheeks. How she looked in this moment
bowled me over. Heat shot up my spine and I knew I’d remember that look
for the rest of my life. If I could have captured her face in a photograph,
glancing up at me like this, I’d be hanging it on my wall to stare at every
night.
Dancing from foot to foot, needing to leave and forget my stupidity, I was
about to walk toward the door, when I felt trembling fingers reach out to
grip onto my arm. She tugged softly. I inhaled long and deep when I saw
her pink lips mouth, “Please.”
Seeing this silent word grace her lips had me lowering myself back down
on the small wooden seat by her side. Elsie smiled at me, then removed her
hand. She pulled the too-long sleeves of my hoodie down to the middle of
her palms and pointed to the jar.
She nodded her head in the direction of the clear glass jar and placed her
hand over her heart. Taking another deep breath, though still feeling foolish,
I explained why I’d brought her here.
 Taking the jar in my hand, I moved it closer to us and asked, “You ever
been to Alabama, Elsie?”
Elsie shook her head, but didn’t lose her concentration on the jar. “Well, in
Bama it gets real hot.” I laughed a single laugh at the memory of the intense
humidity. “I grew up in Bama, Elsie, in Tuscaloosa. We moved away when
I was fifteen, five years ago now. Up until then, Bama was all I knew.” I
lost focus on the jar, my eyes blurring at the memory of my childhood. I
could feel Elsie’s eyes on me.
Coughing, I continued. “Anyway, like I said before, we didn’t grow up
with all this.” I gestured to the room, and the house—everything. “We lived
in a trailer in a real bad part of town.” My voice deepened, growing
graveled. “There was me and my two brothers, Austin and Axel… and my
mamma.” I swallowed down the lump building in my throat. As if sensing I
needed the support just to think of my mamma, Elsie’s hand hovered above
mine. My breathing paused as I waited expectantly for what she would do.
Then as controlled as she could, Elsie lay her hand on my arm, squeezing it
just a fraction.
I wanted to lift my eyes to meet hers, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure I could
cope with looking away from her hand. Strengthened by her touch, I spoke
again. “I never knew my pop; he’d gone before I was old enough to
remember him. But my mamma... my mamma was the best.” My lip hooked
in a smirk. I surprised myself that I’d smiled remembering something good
about my mamma, not how she was at the end.
“Like I said before, we couldn’t often afford electricity, so she would take
us out to the woods near our trailer park,” I held the jar in the air, “and
she’d fill the jar with lightning bugs.” I laughed and shook my head. “We’d
fill as many jars as we could carry and put them all around our house. The
bugs lived where we lived, so we had no problem catching them and
keeping them for our light.”
My vision blurred on the jar as I became lost in the memory. It was like I
could almost see those lit up bugs in my hand, as if I was stood in my old
tiny room. “I hated the dark too. The stuff that happened outside our trailer
wasn’t what a kid should see, so I needed light to sleep. And my mamma,
she lit up the house like a Christmas tree with those jars.”
Shaking my head to release me from the memory, I felt my cheeks heat up
with divulging so much. The jar was tight in my hand, and when I risked a
glance to the side, Elsie’s eyes were glossy with unshed tears, and her small
hand gripped tightly onto the locket around her neck.
My chest tightened at seeing her response, but as she squeezed my arm
again, I knew she was asking me to keep going. Getting myself together, I
placed the jar in front of where she sat.
Elsie watched me like she was hanging on my every word.
“Here in Seattle, we don’t get no lightning bugs, but Lexi wanted Dante to
have those same Bama lightning bug jars in his room. I don’t know where
she got the idea from, but she made him these because she couldn’t get the
real thing.” I shrugged. “She made me help her. And I don’t know…” I
sucked in the corner of my lip, before releasing it. “You made me think of
this, when you said you don’t like sleeping in the dark.”
Moving her hand off mine, Elsie took the pad of paper from the pocket of
the hoodie and set to writing a note. I read it. “Show me.”
“It’s kinda stupid and childish,” I said, real embarrassment ripping through
me.
Elsie scribbled on her pad again. “I don’t care,” she wrote. I could see by
the bright expression on her pretty face that she really didn’t.
 I couldn’t believe it was well past midnight, and I was in Lexi’s craft room
making fake firefly jars.
Feeling Elsie’s rapt attention, I picked up the jar and placed it down before
me. Taking a glow stick that I’d borrowed from a drawer in Lexi’s desk, I
cracked it, activating the neon liquid inside. I cut the stick in half with
scissors and dropped them into the jar. Shutting the lid, I shook the jar until
all the liquid had sprayed on the sides. I took out the empty plastic tube, re-
shut the lid, then tied the ribbon around the top.
Laying the finished jar on the table, I sat back and announced, “It’s done.”
Elsie’s hand reached forward and she picked up the jar. Her forehead was
creased, clearly trying to work out what I’d just done, then she looked at me
with raised brows. Getting up from the chair, I walked to the light switch. I
immediately saw panic on Elsie’s face, but I asked, “Trust me.” Every part
of Elsie was still, but when her shoulders relaxed, she nodded her head.
I flicked off the light, and as soon as I did, I heard Elsie gasp. The jar, the
glass jar in her hand, was beaming yellow neon light, its bright glow lit up
the room.
I walked back to the table, and apologized. “It ain’t as good as the real
thing, ain’t no lightning bugs buzzing about for you to watch, but it’s good
enough for here and now. To be your light.”
I wasn’t sure if Elsie heard me, because her eyes never strayed from the
jar. As the minutes passed in silence, I was worried her new hearing aid
might not be working. But when her head finally turned to me, a huge smile
was on her face, a huge blinding smile that knocked the breath right out of
my lungs, I knew she’d heard me just fine.
Her fingers traced the splashes of glowing fluid on the inside of the jar,
then she tapped her hand to her chin and lowered her hand. She’d signed
something to me.
My eyes fixed on her lips, she dipped her eyes and mouthed, “Thank you.”

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Seven

Elsie

The jar was the prettiest thing I’d ever seen, but what this boy had done for
me, what Levi Carillo had taken time to make me, was the prettiest thing of
all.
He’d cared enough to bring me to this shed and make me this light, so I
wouldn’t be scared. So I wouldn’t be afraid of the dark. He wouldn’t
understand, but nobody, nobody, had done anything like this for me in
years.
At this moment I was glad I didn’t talk to people. The clogging of my
throat meant I wouldn’t get out the words even if I did. So I’d ‘spoken’
using the few pieces of sign language I thought he’d understand. He
deserved my thank you in its purest, sincerest form.
I looked to Levi standing behind me. He was peering down at me, head
lowered. His messy fair hair had fallen to shield his eyes and his hands
hung at his sides.
Warmth spread within me as I watched this tall, well-built, beautiful boy
standing so shyly beside me. I wondered what his life was like? The
warmth within me cooled as a thought pushed into my mind: does he have a
girlfriend? I pictured him at college, driving his fancy Jeep. He played
football, he had money, and he looked nothing less than perfect. I was
suddenly confident of the answer to my question: he would definitely have
a girlfriend.
I shouldn’t be here with him, I told myself.
 Gripping the jar tightly in my hands, I got to my feet. I headed to the door,
keeping my head down as I passed Levi. He didn’t say anything as I
reached the door. I needed to go, but I still felt more than a flicker of
sadness, knowing that our impromptu meeting was over. I’d liked him
talking to me. I’d liked watching him stumble shyly over his words. It
warmed my heart.
I heard Levi mumbling something to himself, but it was just too quiet for
me to make out. Suddenly, I felt him behind me and I froze in my tracks. I
breathed in and out to steady myself, then turned to face him. His fists were
clenching at his sides, and his was face rosy with a flush.
He held out his hand and, in his palm were several glow sticks. “To refill
the jar every night.” I gently took the sticks and pushed them into the
pocket of the hoodie. Levi’s head was kept down, his hands once again at
his sides.
He caught me staring and slowly exhaled. “You wanna go.” He hadn’t
asked me a question, he had assumed that’s what I wanted. Focusing on the
light, still shining bright in the dark, I shrugged.
He stepped closer still. “It’s real late, but—”
He left the sentence hanging in the air, unfinished, but I was desperate to
hear the rest. Levi rubbed his hand over the back of his neck and then
blurted, “I’ll walk you to the kitchen door.”
Disappointment crushed me, but I walked out of the door into the cold
night, gripping the glowing jar to my chest. As we walked to the kitchen
door, I smiled down at the jar in my hand. It was bright against the darkness
of the night. I wanted to tell Levi that I loved it, that I would cherish this
gift because it was from his heart. It represented a kindness that had been
lacking in my life.
 But more, I wanted to listen to him tell me about his childhood, about
catching fireflies in the woods behind his home. I needed to tell him that I
wanted to see it too one day, I wanted to see this jar filled with lightning
bugs, chasing the dark. But the urge to speak, the desperation to open my
mouth and set the words free was held captive in my throat. Annabelle’s
jibes threatened to come, and my mom’s warning rang through my head:
They’ll laugh at you, baby girl. There isn’t a place for the likes of you and
me in this world. We’re a joke. Never speak, protect your heart. Always hide
your voice.
As if I could physically feel the words gathering in my mouth, I
swallowed them back down so they couldn’t pass through my lips. The
scars on my wrists felt hotter on my skin, under my cuffs, reminding me
she’d been right.
I had to hide my voice. I had to protect my heart. I couldn’t go through it
all again. I couldn’t let another like Annabelle win again.
Reaching the kitchen, Levi nervously cleared his throat. His thick arm
reached across me to open the door. Glancing back, surprised at such a
chivalrous gesture, I nodded my head and mouthed, “Goodnight.”
Levi opened his mouth, looking like he wanted to say something. But his
expression fell and he simply replied, “Night, Elsie. Sleep tight.” As his
sweet southern drawl wrapped around my name like an embrace, I wanted
to tell him how I loved his accent, the way it curled around my name. But
of course, I didn’t.
Stepping through the kitchen, I heard the door close behind me. With
my feet planted on the tiled floor, I concentrated on breathing. My heart was
racing. My hands were trembling, and my eyes lost focus in the darkness. I
needed a minute to realize what I’d done. I had just spent time with a boy.
No, more than that, I’d found a sweet and kind soul.
 My chest filled with light, and I pushed myself to move, gripping the
homemade lightning bug jar closely to my chest. I was silent as I made my
way to my room. It wasn’t until I was halfway up the stairs that Levi’s scent
drifted to my nose.
I stopped, suddenly remembering I still wore his hoodie. Ducking my nose
into the collar, I breathed deep, feeling a flutter in my heart. Not wanting to
keep something else of his, I turned on the steps and quickly made my way
back to the pool house.
I rushed across the yard and arrived at his door. The doorknob was still
open and I went through. Expecting him to be back in bed, I startled when
Levi was sat at his desk, a small lamp his only light. He had a pen in his
hand and books were strewn over the tabletop. Yet he wasn’t working. He
was sitting back in his chair, staring at nothing, his pen flicking back and
forth in his hand.
Clearly hearing me sneak back into the pool house, his head turned in my
direction. His gray eyes were narrow, until he spotted that it was me. Then
they became wider. Levi jumped from his chair and got to his feet.
“Elsie? You okay?”
Nodding my head, I inched further into the room, until I stood almost
where Levi waited. Placing the jar on the desk, I took out my pen and pad,
and wrote, “I forgot I was wearing your sweatshirt.”
Levi read the sentence when I held it out; tension seemed to seep from his
body. “Keep it, Elsie.”
I shook my head. Moving to lift it over my head, he was suddenly before
me, holding my arms down at my sides. I met his eyes, unable to read what
was in their depths. I heard his breathing deepen and his hands briefly
tensed on my arms.
 I breathed too, soft simple breaths, until Levi stepped back, pointing at the
sweatshirt again and assured, “Keep it.”
Dropping the hem of the sweatshirt, I went to retrieve my jar, when the
lamp on his desk caught my eye. I glanced to the books on the table, and
took hold of my pad. “You don’t want to sleep?” I wrote and held it out to
Levi.
Levi read the words, then shook his head, no. Sensing he wasn’t going
to say anything else on the matter, I peeked at the page that was open on his
desk. The page featured the picture of a painting. It looked like an old
painting. Needing to move closer, curiosity controlled my feet. I stood right
in front of the picture and bent down to inspect its details.
The picture showed water, images of people drowning under stormy
waves: several images of men and women. I studied the men and the
women closer: I realized all the images of men were the same man, and the
images of the women were all the same woman. My heart lurched at such a
sad portrayal, particularly since the picture displayed their bodies tumbling
in a strong current, each image showcasing a phase of their struggle. Sadder
still, they were reaching for one another, but they couldn’t quite catch each
other’s hands.
They were being driven apart.
My chest ached. Yet I remained transfixed on the page; on drowning
lovers desperately trying to hold on to one another, but failing in their
efforts. For a moment I had forgotten Levi was in the room, too lost in the
tragic scene.
“Hero and Leander.” Levi’s husky voice retrieved me from my trance. I
turned my head and he had moved right beside me, his arm just a fraction
from touching mine. I looked to his face, and he pointed to the painting.
“Peter Paul Ruben’s ‘Hero and Leander’. It was painted in the seventeenth
century.”
I stared at this boy, this beautiful boy, and hung on his every word. Levi’s
hand fell away from the page and he stepped back from the desk. He
appeared embarrassed about what he’d just told me.
Reaching for my pen and paper, I hesitated to write my question, not
wanting to appear stupid. As if sensing my concern, Levi tapped the page
my pen hovered above and said, “Please, ask whatever you wish.”
Quashing my embarrassment, I wrote, “Who are Hero and Leander?”
As Levi read the question, he smiled and his stormy gray eyes lit up. But
he wasn’t laughing; I could see that whatever I asked had sparked
something in his heart.
Levi glanced behind him, then moved to the side of the room. He picked
up a chair and brought it to the desk, right beside the one in which he’d
been sitting when I entered the pool house.
Levi held the chair out and flicked his head for me to sit down. Clutching
the pen and paper to my chest, I sat on the soft chair, and Levi slipped onto
the chair beside me.
This close I could smell the spice and warmth of his scent, the smell
brought me comfort and peace. I sighed in contentment at the stark change
—of being here in the warm, safe with this boy—compared to where I had
been mere days before.
Levi shifted on his seat, drawing my attention. He sat forward and pulled
the book closer to the edge of the desk. My eyes sought the painting on the
page, and I waited eagerly for him to speak.
Levi flicked his gaze at me from the corner of his eyes before pointing at
the page again. “Hero and Leander,” he started quietly. I could hear the
nerves in his voice, a fact I found only endearing. “They are lovers, found
in Greek mythology.” Levi paused, met my eyes, then explained, “That’s
what I’m studying in school. Mythology, it’s my major.”
I nodded my head, so bowled over by everything I was discovering about
this boy. He was a mystery to me. When I first saw him at the college that
day, I assumed he was just another typical jock. All about sport and girls.
Given his looks, it was an easy assumption to make. But being in his
company for just a few minutes, I could see he was nothing like he
appeared on the surface. There was so much more to him than I could have
ever imagined.
“Anyway,” he continued, “at the moment, in class, we’re looking at the
story of Hero and Leander.”
On my paper, I asked, “What happened to them? This painting looks sad.”
Levi read the page and nodded his head. “It is, sad that is. They are known
as the doomed lovers. The story’s a real tragedy.”
My pen hovered over the paper while I debated what to ask. Taking a
chance, I asked, “Could you tell me it?”
Levi’s lip hooked into a shy smile and he replied, “Sure.”
I smiled back, and my heart beat faster seeing the hint of red blossom on
his olive-skinned cheeks. Nervous under my gaze, he began the tale.
“Hero,” he pointed to the drowning woman, “she was a priestess of the
goddess Aphrodite, and she lived on the island of Sestos.” He paused and
asked, “Do you know who Aphrodite is?”
“Yes,” I wrote, “she’s the goddess of love, right?”
Levi read my response and nodded his head. “Yeah.” Taking a sip of the
water on his desk, he put it down and continued. “Hero served Aphrodite,
and as such, she had to remain a virgin.” As Levi finished that sentence, the
hint of red already on his cheeks burst into a vibrant crimson color and he
dipped his head. I hid my smile, more than affected by his obvious shyness
than I ever would be if he were brazen. This muscled beautiful boy was as
timid as a church mouse.
“When Hero was at a festival on Sestos, a visiting man,” he pointed to the
drowning male, “Leander, took one look at her and he fell in love.” I stared
at the picture, now wrapped up in their story. Levi had paused, so I looked
at him, nodding at him to keep going. Levi dipped his eyes back to the page
and continued. “It wasn’t long before Hero fell in love with Leander. But
Hero was a priestess, and as such, was forbidden to fall in love or to be with
a man.”
I shuffled to the edge of my seat, my heart beating fast with the excitement
of the story, but also with trepidation for how it would end. Levi’s hand
flicked the page and a map was on the bottom. He pointed at two islands on
a sea. With his finger on one island, he explained, “Leander lived here, on
Abydos.” He pointed at the other island. “And Hero lived here on Sestos
where the festival had been.” The tip of his finger traced the stretch of water
between the two islands. “They were separated by Hellespont, a stretch of
water.”
Levi stopped, and asked, “Am I boring you? I can stop if all this is too
dull. I kinda get carried away and forget most folks don’t care about these
stories.”
My hand landed on my chest and I shook my head, no. “Please,” I
scribbled down, “I want to know the rest.”
Levi’s eyes flashed with happiness, and he carried on. “Because they were
in love, they knew they had to see each other, despite the dangerous trip one
of them would have to take. Leander and Hero hatched a plan that Leander,
as night fell, would swim across Hellespont to see Hero, so they could be
together at night.” My eyes dropped to the picture again, at the rolling
waves, and the couple fighting to live. My stomach sank.
 “Hero lived in a tall tower, and each night, she would light a lamp and put
it in her window, so Leander would know where the shore was—where his
love was.” Levi huffed a quiet laugh and pointed at the firefly jar. “Kinda
like an old version of that, I suppose.”
I tracked his finger to the jar and excitement burst within me. Finding
myself smiling too, I nodded my head and pulled the jar closer imagining it
sitting in Hero’s tower.
“That light in Hero’s tower was Leander’s guide to the woman he loved.
For nights and nights he travelled that patch of sea and was happy with
Hero, as she was with him. Then—”
Levi’s voice faded to silence, and he looked down between us both. When
I looked down too, I realized that I had placed my hand on his arm, gripping
him tightly, on tenterhooks for the inevitable end of the story.
Embarrassed at my reaction, I went to pull my hand away, when Levi
reached out and kept it pressed on his arm. I stilled, eyes wide, heart
thundering in rhythm. Levi froze too, but he still didn’t move his hand. I
heard his breathing hitch, the simple act of our hands touching bringing us
both to an unfamiliar, yet mutually welcoming place.
I waited. I waited, anxious for Levi to speak, only to feel my heart melt
when he rasped, “You can leave your hand there,” he swallowed and,
without looking into my eyes, he added, “if you want.”
As he expressed the last part, his accent had strengthened, deepened with
nerves. I squeezed his arm and left my hand right where it was. Levi’s
nostrils flared when I didn’t move my hand away. My heart skipped a beat
when his hand didn’t move either.
Tapping a finger from my free hand on the page, I silently urged him to
finish the story. Understanding what I wanted, Levi took a deep breath and
recounted, “Then one night everything changed for the lovers.” Leaning in,
I listened as hard as I could. “Leander set off for his swim, same as he did
every night. As he swam, Hero’s lamp shone brightly in her window,
guiding him to her shore, when a storm suddenly rolled in on Hellespont.”
My hand tightened on Levi’s arm; he kept an equally tight hold of my hand.
“As Leander swam harder, striving to reach Hero, the violent wind
suddenly blew out the lamp. The wind was too strong for the light to remain
lit. Hero had to watch, as Leander with no light for a guide, fell under the
waves, lost in the dark.” Coldness ran down my spine at the sad tale. Levi
flicked back to the page with the painting and pointed at the images of the
drowning couple. “Hero, unable to stand losing the man she loved so
deeply, threw herself in the stormy waters to join him.” Levi paused, turned
to me, and said, “Hero and Leander both drowned in Hellespont. Her light
guided him to her every night, but when it died out, so did their lives.” Levi
blushed and finished by saying, “But their love never did die out. It was
passed to posterity by becoming a legend.” He shrugged and then smiled
shyly. “At least it did in mythology, inspiring artists to paint their story, and
poets to immortalize them in words.”
At the mention of poets, my head jerked up and Levi noticed. His fair
eyebrows pulled down and he asked, “You like poetry?” Without writing an
explanation, I merely nodded my head.
Levi squeezed my hand, and with his free hand, he flicked over the pages
of his book until he stopped at a poem. Pointing at the page, he explained,
“This is the most famous, Hero and Leander by Christopher Marlowe.” I
craned my head to read it.
Levi, seeing my interest, moved the book until it was in front of where I
was sitting. Without waiting, my eyes scanned the page, devouring the
poetic prose.
On Hellespont, guilty of true love’s blood,
 In view and opposite two cities stood…
The poem was long and extremely detailed, every word laced with
perfection and flawless beauty. I was captivated by each and every line, the
story of the two lost lovers brought alive, their intense love burning in my
heart.
Breathless, I finished the last line, a tear rolling down my cheek. I hadn’t
realized I had been so affected until Levi’s gentle thumb wiped the tear
from the apple of my cheek.
I bathed in Levi’s soft gaze and became enraptured. His thumb was still on
my cheek, when he gently asked, “You liked it?”
A nervous laugh bubbled from my throat. I nodded my head. Levi’s hand
dropped and his head tilted to the side. I had no idea what he was thinking.
Turning my head, I scanned the poem one more time. I flicked the page
and studied the painting, then kept skimming through the book, reading
random passages from various myths. After the eighth passage, I sat back in
my chair and looked at Levi who was watching me in fascination. I stared
back at this boy, and taking my pen, wrote on my pad. “You’re really
smart.”
I held it out for Levi to read and watched his skin tint pink. Levi sat back
and shrugged. I wrote again. “You are. Really smart, I mean.”
As the light faded from Levi’s face, I thought I’d said something wrong.
Panic that I’d upset him ran though me, until he confessed, “I’m not real
good at speaking to people, Elsie. I don’t go out much or talk much.” The
red on his face descended to cover his neck and patch on his upper chest.
My hand on his arm flipped over and my fingers threaded through his.
Levi watched our joined fingers, then my free hand as I pointed to my chest
and held up two fingers.
“You too,” Levi translated my meaning and I nodded my head.
 Levi pointed to the mythology book and said, “I guess I’m pretty smart; I
always enjoy study. But I know more than most because I don’t go to
parties or go out with my friends much. I tend to stay in here and study
when I’m not on the football field.”
Before I knew what I was doing, I had written, “No girlfriend?”
Levi’s cheeks, this time, turned positively scarlet and he shook his head.
He didn’t say anything in response, but I took it that, like me, he didn’t mix
much with the opposite sex.
Squeezing his hand until he looked up at me, I repeated the action of
pointing to myself, and holding up two fingers. Levi exhaled as in relief,
and whispered knowingly, “You too.”
I smiled an understanding smile, and we both sat in silence. I had no idea
what to do next, and I could see Levi searching for something, anything, to
say. “Elsie?” I met his eyes when he finally did. “Did you finish high
school?”
Feeling the blood drain from my face, I acted on instinct and tried to stand
and leave the room. But Levi kept hold of my hand. “Elsie, wait,” he said,
and gently held my arm. Shamed, I turned in his direction and he explained,
“I didn’t ask that to make you feel bad.” He shifted on his feet, and said, “I
ask because I think you’re smart too. And…” He sucked in a breath, and
rasped, “and I think you deserve more from life than you’ve had so far.”
Every part of me tensed, but I saw nothing but sincerity in his expression.
Shoulders sagging, I kept my head low, but slowly shook my head. I hadn’t
finished high school, I’d ran before could.
Levi’s hand released mine, and he stepped closer, so close that his spiced
smell enveloped my senses. I saw his fingers clenching and unclenching,
then he lifted a trembling hand, only to lay it softly under my chin.
 Guiding my head upward, my eyes collided with his, and he said, “Ain’t
no reason to be ashamed, Elsie. We all have demons.” He paused like he
needed a minute, and added, “Believe me, I got a whole ton in my past. But
there ain’t no shame to be had, not in front of me. I get that life can
sometimes get in the way.”
One by one, my muscles relaxed, until I had leaned into his hand on my
face. I took comfort in his touch, I spent minutes with his hand touching my
skin, until I stepped back, needing to get away. Tonight, all of this, had been
a lot to take in, and I was tired.
I stepped back, and I could see that Levi knew I was leaving. Walking to
the desk, I scribbled out, “Thank you for tonight. I loved the story of Hero
and Leander.”
Levi read it over my shoulder. “You’re welcome.”
Picking up my jar, I went to walk to the door when Levi called my name.
“Elsie?”
Looking over my shoulder, I saw Levi holding out a book in his hand. I
frowned, wondering what it was. As I took hold of the book, Levi
explained, “It’s a book of poems.” My eyes snapped to his, as the words left
his lips. He put his hands in the pockets of his sweats. “I took a poetry class
last year. I don’t need it no more and thought if you like poems, and you’re
still needing to be in bed and rest…” he trailed off, sucking in the bottom
corner of his lip, as he did.
I didn’t know how to react. I held the book tightly in my hand, and moved
forward until he looked down at me from his tall height. His face was
apprehensive. Unable to do anything else, I timidly rose on tiptoes and
pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek.
I heard him inhale sharply. Feeling my face heat, I darted to the door. As
the door opened and I stepped outside, Levi followed me to the yard and
said, “I’ll watch, to make sure you get in safe. I’ll see you’re in your room
when you stand in your window.”
Smiling a goodnight, I rushed through the house. Entering the room that I
was staying in, I placed the poetry book and the jar on the dresser top, and
moved toward the window to show Levi I was in and safe. As I stepped
across the floor, I stopped and a thought came to my head.
My heart beat in tandem with my quick steps as I went back to the dresser
and held the neon jar in my hands. As I arrived at the large window, I saw
Levi standing in the shadow below. My hands trembled as I stared down;
then, with painstaking slowness, I placed the fake lightning bug jar on the
window ledge. Its light still shone brightly.
I waited to see what Levi would do. When he stepped into the path of
moonlight, his expression soft and gentle, I could see he understood.
This jar was my light.
In minutes I was in bed and asleep. The glow from the jar kept all the
haunting memories from my mind, and the nightmares from my sleep.
It was the first night I’d slept right through in years.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Eight

Levi

“Why you so damn anxious to get home?”

My leg was bobbing up and down and Ashton slammed his hand on my
knee to stop it. Turning to my friend and teammate I pushed his hand off.
“What?” I asked. Ashton looked at Jake who was sitting in front of me on
the team bus. We’d just played at USC, winning by six points. I’d scored a
touchdown and was fairly happy with my receiving game. But from the
minute we got on the plane back home, and now on the bus back to college
to pick up our cars, Ashton had been right, I was desperate to get home.
My friends both waited for a response. I didn’t give one.
Ashton rolled his eyes, and asked, “You coming over to the party tonight?”
Checking my phone, I saw it was nearly midnight and shook my head.
Jake sighed, but the pair of them dropped the subject. They were now
getting used to me not turning up to anything.
“You see Harper after the game?” Jake leaned across the table between us
to ask.
I shook my head and stared out of the window. Jake kicked my leg under
the table and I slammed my eyes to meet his. He smirked. “She was looking
for you. I told her where you’d be.”
Truth was, as I was coming out of the locker room, I saw her walking
down the hallway toward me. I’d pretended not to see her and fell into step
with our offense coach all the way back to the bus taking us to the airport. I
had nothing to say to the girl.
 And it sure wasn’t her who was occupying my thoughts day and night. It
was Elsie. Ever since the other night in the pool house, I hadn’t been able to
get her out my mind. The very next day I’d had to travel away for this
game. I looked in her room before I’d left to say ‘bye’, but she was fast
asleep. Staying up that late, and her still being sick, must have wiped her
out. I didn’t want to wake her up when she slept so peacefully. The jar was
still by her window though, clearly refilled with one of the glow sticks I’d
given her. And my heart had almost burst when, also lying beside her in
bed, was the poetry book.
I’d checked in with Lexi a few times every day, and she’d said that Elsie
had kept to herself; slept and read. Lexi thought Elsie’d been feeling down
for the last few days. As much as I didn’t want Elsie to be sad or on her
own, a part of me was real hopeful that the reason she’d been down was
because I was gone.
The lights of the Husky Stadium slowly came into view as we turned a
corner. I grabbed my bag, ready to get the hell off this bus. My leg bounced
again as the bus pulled into the stadium car park, and I was up on my feet
the second we stopped.
Jake punched my arm getting in line behind me to exit the bus. “You gotta
take a pill or something, Alabama? Thought you were gonna jump out the
window to get off this friggin’ bus.”
Shaking my head at my friend, I said, “Just tired, man. Need to get home.”
“What you doing tomorrow? You wanna come round and watch the
Seahawks’ game at our house?”
“Nah,” I said to Ashton. “Gonna help Lexi with Dante. Austin don’t get
back until Monday, and she has to work.”
Austin and Rome were away in Cincinnati playing the Bengals. But I
wasn’t helping Lexi. In fact, she’d told me she had to be in her center all
day. Lexi took Dante with her when she could. She’d also asked me to stay
with Elsie, but there was no way I was telling these guys about that. They
wouldn’t understand what was going on. They wouldn’t understand why I’d
helped her that night, instead of partying with them.
I was keeping Elsie to myself. Was no one’s damn business anyhow.
Shooting off the bus like a damn dart, I threw my friends a wave and
jogged across to the Jeep. I ignored the cheer bus pulling behind us. I heard
Jake’s girlfriend trying to call me back. I ignored the fans that had gathered
to congratulate us on our win.
I just needed to get home.
In seconds I was out of the parking lot, en route to our place. I made it
home in record time, pushing the speed limits on every road. Pulling into
the driveway of our house, I parked my Jeep and walked round to the back
entrance. The house was dark and silent. This late, Lexi would be in bed.
Opening the gate to the backyard, I walked toward the pool house door,
stopping to glance up at Elsie’s window. My heart lurched when I saw her
curtains were open and that lightning bug jar was shining out over the yard
from its position on the center of the ledge.
I gripped the strap of my gym bag tightly, unwilling to stop staring at the
jar. The wind licked around the yard, cold air whipping at my face.
Inhaling deeply, I set back off for the pool house when a sudden
movement caught my eye. Snapping my head back in the direction of the
window, my chest tightened when I saw Elsie. She was dressed in dark
pajamas, and her long golden hair hung down over her chest. The jar didn’t
give off much light, but it lit up her face enough for me to see the most
beautiful smile gracing her pretty lips.
At me.
For me.
 Her head ducked down when she saw me looking, but I nervously waved
my hand. Elsie looked down at me through the protective curtain of her
hair. I stood there. She stood there. And neither of us moved.
I wanted to speak to her again. My stomach flipped with anxiety when I
realized I wanted to tell Elsie that I’d missed her.
I’d missed this silent pretty girl.
I’d never even thought of a girl this way before, never mind missed one.
The wind surged again. Using the blast of cold air to wake myself up, I
lifted my head to admire Elsie, who was still peering down. Again I waved
my hand, this time motioning for her to come to me.
In the neon glow of the jar, I saw her eyebrows furrow. I shifted my stance
to stand directly under her window. Elsie, seeing me below, opened the
window, the wind immediately whipping her blonde hair above her head
into a halo. I swallowed at how beautiful she looked.
Elsie’s eyes were fixed on mine, and with arms wrapped around her waist,
she peered out of the open window. When the wind dropped, I rasped,
“Come down.”
My pulse raced so fast; my blood rushed so quick through my ears that I
could barely hear. I didn’t want her to say no. It had cost me a bucket of
nerves to ask her to come to me.
Elsie stepped back from the cold, but otherwise didn’t move. My heart
sank knowing it was a no. Nodding my head, I moved from back toward my
pool house, disappointment coursing through my veins.
Just as I reached my door, the sound of the kitchen door opening behind
me grabbed my attention. I looked over my shoulder, to see Elsie
approaching; pen and paper clutched tightly in her hand, her cute ass little
Ugg boots on her feet, and my hoodie drowning her smaller frame. A fierce
wave of possessiveness crashed over me on seeing her wearing my hoodie
again.
Thoughts began circling my head. I wondered if she was wearing it
because she was cold, or was she wearing it because it was mine? Because
it gave off my scent? Because she wanted to be close to me?
The thoughts melted away the second Elsie arrived at my door. Her head
was tilted down toward her feet, and even with her face hidden by her long
hair, I could see a pink shade on her skin.
Her nervousness, the nervousness that matched mine, warmed something
in me. “Hi,” I said, trying to find something to say. Something short so she
wouldn’t hear the shaking of my voice.
Elsie lifted her head and smiled, mouthing, “Hi.”
She held her pad of paper tightly to the chest, her body slightly swaying
from side to side. She looked so shy, and so damn pretty.
Forcing myself to move when she shivered, I opened the door to my pool
house, moving aside to let her through.
Elsie brushed past me. I almost groaned as her arm pushed past my
stomach. Clearing my throat, I shut the door and threw my bag on the floor.
Needing a distraction from that touch of her arm, I went to the kitchen area
and put on a pot of coffee.
When I felt like I could breathe again, I turned round, to find Elsie still
standing near the doorway. She was completely still, and my heart swelled
at seeing her silent vigil, probably racked with as many nerves as me.
As I looked at her, I knew that if it were any other girl stood here with me
now, I’d have waited for her to speak first, to lead the conversation. I’d
listen, afraid to speak, too nervous to move. But Elsie’s silence forced me to
take the lead. And it was okay. Because as nervous as I still was with Elsie,
I could talk to her. Even though it was hard, I could talk. That was another
first right there.
The only sound in the room was the coffee pot brewing. Knowing I
needed to speak to her again, to see those blue eyes fixed on me, I moved to
the end of the bed and sat down. I caught Elsie flick a glance at me, and I
pressed the spot beside me. “You wanna sit?” I asked. Elsie inhaled deeply,
but nodded her head.
My chest constricted when she moved beside me, the smell of coconuts
slamming home when she lowered herself down. I listened to her breathing,
and it made me feel real relieved when I heard that the sickly crackle in her
chest had faded to almost nothing.
Elsie didn’t move, a damn statue beside me, so I asked, “You feeling
better?”
Elsie slowly lowered her pad of paper and wrote, “Yes, thank you.” She
hesitated a second, before writing, “I can’t remember the last time I felt this
good.”
Elsie looked up at me, and I could fully see her face. The darkness from
under her eyes had disappeared and there was a warm tone to her light skin.
Her hair was clean and appeared thicker, but best still, her blue eyes were
bright. The whites of her eyes the color of snow.
Feeling like I’d probably just given my admiring thoughts away, I felt my
face burn. The coffee pot dinged telling me it was ready, and I pointed
toward the kitchen. “You want a coffee?”
Elsie nodded her head, and followed me into the kitchen area. I busied
myself making two mugs, handing Elsie the cream and sugar. She poured in
cream, but no sugar, and I watched, mesmerized as she took a sip.
Seeing me looking, Elsie looked surprised. I quickly dropped my gaze,
chastising myself for not being able to stop in staring.
 Because she fascinates you, I heard my inner voice saying, but ignored it,
then moved to the small table and chairs behind us. I sat down and Elsie
followed, sitting directly opposite.
The silence was thick with tension, the ticking of the clock in my room
filling dead air. Clasping my mug of coffee, I asked, “You do much while
I’ve been gone?”
Elsie let put down her coffee to write on her pad. She turned it for me to
read. “I watched you.”
“You watched me play?” I asked, my heart firing off like cannon.
Elsie nodded her head, and wrote, “On the TV. Lexi invited me to watch it
with her. She explained to me what you play and,” she paused, her cheeks a
rosy pink, and added, “how good you are.”
This time it was my cheeks that burned. My finger traced a thread of wood
on the table and I prompted, “Did you enjoy the game?”
Elsie’s head tilted to the side. I looked up to see her tongue on her lip
again. My heart lurched. I didn’t know why, but that action flattened me.
“I have never watched football before, so I didn’t understand much.” I
nodded my head, when she slowly added, “But I liked watching you.”
Elsie dropped her head as she wrote that last part. But I couldn’t stop the
flood of happiness that filled my body. And I couldn’t help the smile that
spread on my lips.
Elsie peeked up at me, and smiled too. Her hand was laying flat to the
table. I fought the urge to reach out and hold it. But when Elsie bravely
lifted her head fully, and widened her smile, nothing could stop me from
taking her hand in mine.
She gasped as I curled my hand around hers, but she didn’t let go. In fact,
she flipped her palm and linked our fingers. And we sat there for a moment,
silent, simply staring at our hands. I just prayed she ignored the slight
shaking of my fingers.
Taking another drink of my coffee to help calm my mind imagining
kissing her lips, I noticed Elsie writing something else. When she turned the
pad, it read, “There were a lot of people watching in the stadium.”
Placing my mug on the table, I nodded my head. “Yeah. It’s crazy. At first
I didn’t think I’d be able to play in front of a big crowd.” I shrugged. “I’m
not real good in crowds, or being the center of attention. But I learned to
block it out. Learned to stay in the zone and not see the crowd, if that makes
sense.”
Elsie wrote again. “You like playing football?”
I huffed a laugh, and replied, “I love it. I’m good at it.” I traced the knot of
wood again. “When I play, I can block things out of my head. It’s just me
on the field with the ball. I have one goal, to score touchdowns.” Sucking in
a breath, I confessed, “It makes me forget, for as long as I’m on that
gridiron… well, everything.”
The dull ache that forever sat in my stomach stabbed and I shifted on my
seat. Elsie sat still, then she asked the question I dreaded most.
“Where’s your mom?”
My eyes read and re-read that question, and my throat closed up like it
always did. A pair of dark eyes flashed through my mind, but I struggled to
see the rest. The usual panic that came with that struggle set in. Before I
could get to my feet, Elsie squeezed my hand, her touch pouring strength
into my heart.
I breathed, I breathed, until I found myself saying, “She’s dead.”
Elsie’s grip hardened so much that it caused me to look at her face. She
was stone, her eyes wide and glossy. This time I squeezed her hand.
“Elsie?” My voice must have snapped her from whatever was haunting her
mind.
Her chest was rising and falling so fast that I pushed her coffee toward her.
Elsie picked up her mug and sipped the steaming drink. As she lowered her
coffee, I could see her hands were trembling. I opened my mouth to ask
why, when she picked up her pen. I waited, desperate to see what she would
write, then she pushed the pad toward me.
“My mom died too.”
I stared at those four words, and sadness slammed into me like a freight
train. My breathing was shallow, and I slowly raised my eyes to see Elsie’s
eyes brimming with tears. I stared at her beautiful face, a face that had seen
tragedy—like me. A face that had watched her mamma die—just like me,
and Elsie pressed her hand over her heart and clenched her fist. The pained
expression on her face showcased her hurt more than any words could
convey. I knew it, because I felt it too.
The knuckles on our joined hands were white as we clung to each other.
But as hard as this moment was, something light, some feeling as light as
air itself, lifted some of the ache in my heart.
She understood.
With few words, and little explanation, I knew Elsie understood me.
I dragged in a ragged breath, and Elsie mirrored my action. Minutes
passed, silence again wrapping around us.
When the throbbing of my heart calmed, I asked, “Where are you from,
Elsie?”
Elsie’s eyes narrowed on me, but she wrote, “Portland, Oregon.”
“How did you wind up in Seattle?”
I could see he didn’t want to answer, but she wrote, “I had to get away. I
managed to get here, and,” she looked away; I squeezed her hand. She
drew in a deep breath, and wrote, “I had nowhere else to go.”
I had no idea what to say in response. My mind flashed back to the corner
of the alley and her being cold, thin and unwell. Those memories were
plaguing me when she added, “I’ve never even seen Seattle, Levi. Apart
from cold alleys, I don’t know the city at all.”
Elsie dropped her pen. Her face was tired and sad. I hated seeing her this
way, then an idea popped into my head. “Elsie?”
Elsie faced me.
“You feeling better? Better enough to get away from this house for a
while?”
Elsie’s forehead lined with confusion, but she slowly nodded her head,
sadness being gradually replaced by intrigue.
Standing up, I pulled her to stand too, and instructed, “Go back to bed, get
some sleep. Be ready to go by nine.”
Elsie’s face scrunched up in confusion. Pulling her toward me, I gently
lifted my hand to her face. Elsie swallowed hard and I heard her breathing
deepen. “I’m,” I pushed myself to say, “I’m taking you out tomorrow,
around Seattle. The Seattle you’ve never seen.”
Elsie’s pink lips parted, and she exhaled a short breath. I froze, thinking
she would refuse. When those lush lips lifted into a smile and she nodded
her head.
I wanted to kiss her. This close, with that beautiful face beaming up at me,
I wanted nothing more than to kiss her pink lips. But I didn’t. Like a
coward, I backed away. I thought I saw a flash of disappointment in Elsie’s
eyes, but she lowered her head before I could be sure.
Elsie grabbed her pen and paper; I took her hand. I walked her out of the
pool house to the kitchen door. I opened the door, and Elsie walked through.
When she glanced over her shoulder, I said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
 Elsie smiled and walked up the stairs to her room. Just as I was about to
shut the door, Lexi appeared from the darkened dining room, a sleeping
Dante in her arms.
I opened my mouth to say something when Lexi beat me to it. “Dante
woke up for a feed a while ago. I was in the dining room when I saw Elsie
run by and leave. I panicked at first thinking she was running away, then I
saw you by your pool house. Saw you let her inside.”
My face was on fire as Lexi spoke, rocking my nephew in her arms. I
didn’t say anything, but I clearly didn’t need to. “You like her. A lot,” Lexi
stated. Unable to lie to my brother’s wife, I nodded my head.
Lexi moved closer. “You’re taking her out tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
Lexi nodded, then went to walk back up the stairs. Before she did, she
turned round, and looked like she wanted to say something, but stopped
herself. Needing to know what it was, I questioned, “What?”
Lexi looked in the direction of the stairs, in the direction Elsie went, and
she said, “I think she’s been through more than we can understand, Lev.
I’ve tried to talk to her every day, but she avoids conversation completely.”
Lexi sighed and added, “I think she’s really broken inside. Severely. I think
there’s something dark in her past that’s haunting her.”
My heart ached, and just as I turned to go back to my room, I whispered,
“Then we’re the same. That’s what makes her so special to me.”
“Lev…” I heard Lexi hush out softly, but I was out of the door and into the
pool house before she could react.
My mind raced with what Lexi said, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t
already see. Elsie didn’t speak, she was too timid and shy. She’d lost her
mamma, like I had lost mine. And I could see she was lonely, just like me.
 Taking off my jacket, I walked to the table to clear away the mugs, when I
saw a piece of paper was lying on the top. I wondered what it was.
Suddenly I recognized Elsie’s handwriting.
Moving round the table, I dropped to the seat. The paper was folded in
two, my name written across the top.
My heartbeat picked up speed as I opened the paper. At first I was
confused by the centralized column of words, then my heart burst apart
when I read a poem that Elsie had written:

Alone and lost, appeared this saint,

With pretty gray eyes, darkness can’t taint.
He stole her from cold, from blustering storm,
Kind and gentle, he took her from harm.
Fearful of dark, he created her light,
A jar of gold, chasing demons of night.
Telling stories of love, he brought to her life,
A moment by his side: no pain, no strife.
He gifted her poems, a gesture on whim,
With every word read, she could see only him.
She counted the days until he returned home,
The boy with his light, the girl not alone.
Invisible to all, a shade wandering in dark,
He brought back her faith, with his pure kind heart.

I love poetry, Levi.

Thank you for the book.
Elsie x
 I read through the poem three times. I poured over every word, every
thought from her heart. Sitting back in the chair, I ran my hand down my
face. Then I stared at the clock on the wall, counting down the hours until
our date.
Eight hours.
Twenty-four minutes.
Twelve seconds.
Damn torture until I could see her again… and maybe hold her hand.

*****

I knocked on Elsie’s bedroom door, and waited for her to answer. I’d had
about two hours of sleep by the time I finally closed my eyes, but I didn’t
care. I wouldn’t have traded the time spent reading and rereading her poem
for all that I had.
With every word read, she could see only him… She counted the days until
he returned home…
These lines, these two lines had my head spinning. I’d put the poem in my
drawer, keeping it safe—I’d never be throwing it away.
Elsie’s door suddenly opened. I opened my mouth to say “Hi” but my
voice was lost the minute the silent girl was framed by the doorway.
My eyes fell over how she looked, and I was dumbstruck—skinny blue
jeans, a white cami top with a cute pink sweater hugging her slim frame.
She wore black leather ankle boots on her feet, and held a fitted padded
black jacket in her hands. But it was her hair that had me staring the most,
or rather how she wore it. Her hair was back in a French braid, small silver
heart earrings dangling in her ears. She always looked beautiful, but she
looked even more beautiful because all her hair was off her face. Her pretty
face was revealed for me to savor, no longer hidden behind the curtain of
blond strands that normally shielded her from the world, concealing her
shyness.
Then my heart swelled when I thought that I could be the reason she was
no longer hiding. That I could be the one that had helped her step out of the
dark.
Invisible to all, a shade wandering in dark… He brought back her faith,
with his pure kind heart…
As those lines played in my head, I realized I’d been standing here silently
staring. Elsie was motionless as she watched me watch her. Stepping
forward, I bravely ran my finger down her soft cheek. A blush bloomed in
its wake, and I whispered, “You’re real pretty, Elsie.”
Elsie’s eyes widened; I’d shocked her with my words. I fought my instinct
to remove my hand and dip my head. But after what she had given me, after
the poem she had written for me, I kept my head raised and showed
conviction in my expression. I may have been shaking with nerves inside,
but this girl deserved to hear how beautiful I really thought she was.
Elsie glanced down to her clothes, and meeting my eyes again, mouthed,
“Lexi.”
I nodded in understanding. “Lexi bought them for you.”
Elsie nodded her head and pressed her hand over her heart—she was
thankful.
Boldly reaching for that hand, I clasped it in mine, beaming inside when
Elsie smiled the widest of smiles at our touch. “You ready?” I asked, my
voice husky in its sound. She nodded her head. I could see the excitement
on her face, an excitement that was already coursing through me.
Leading her down the stairs and into the foyer, I quickly released her hand.
“You’ll need that jacket, it’s pretty cold outside.”
 Elsie slipped on her jacket, but before she did, I took hold of the zipper,
wrapping her up all warm. I heard her quick inhale of breath as my fingers
past over her chest, but I ignored it and drew back, retaking her hand in
mine.
“Let’s go,” I said and led Elsie to my Jeep. Nothing was said as we made
our way into the city, but this silence wasn’t uncomfortable. The only
discomfort I felt came from my not knowing how to tell her that I loved the
poem, from how much her words meant to me. No one had ever done
anything like that for me before—given words as a gift.
The radio played country as we arrived near Pike Place. As Amos Lee
sang about “Black River”, Elsie stared out of the window, her searching
eyes trying to take everything in.
Parking the Jeep, I got out, walking round to her side to help her out. The
wind blew around us, so I took her now-gloved hand and held it in mine.
“Original Starbucks,” I announced, then I led her down to Pike Place
Market, the smell of fish and salty air immediately surrounding us.
We walked down the street, tourists already filling the road, then we
arrived at our first stop. I pointed at the small coffee shop, the scents of the
hot coffee filling our noses. “The original store,” I said, and pointed to the
large sign above. Elsie smiled up at me and I asked, “You want a coffee?
Kinda think we should seen as though we’re here.”
She nodded her head and joined the line inside. I got her a coffee with
cream and no sugar. We walked as we drank our coffee. We walked hand in
hand until we reached a dock.
I could see Elsie looking all around us, until she looked at me with a
furrowed brow. Almost on cue, a boat sounded its horn and began
approaching us. Elsie’s hand tightened in mine and I declared, “What better
way to see Seattle than by boat.” Elsie swallowed as the boat approached.
“You ever been on a boat?” Elsie shook her head.
“You’ll like it,” I said, and prayed to God that I wasn’t messing up this
date.
The first date either of us had ever been on.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Nine

Elsie

It felt like a dream. Every part of this day felt like a dream. The boat, the
walking hand in hand, and all because of Levi.
Hours and hours passed and Levi walked me around the city. We ate
chowder sitting on a bench overlooking the Sound, and now we were
standing at the top of the Space Needle, which overlooked the great city of
Seattle.
Levi stood behind me as I drank in the panoramic view. My hands were on
the safety rail and Levi shadowed me, his muscled arms on either side of
the rail and his hard chest pressed against my back.
Every part of my body felt alive with him this close, his warm breath
blowing past my ear. And the entire day he had treated me like I was
precious to him. Making sure I was okay, never expecting me to say
anything in response. Everybody always wanted me to talk. They had
always grown frustrated with my notes, with my crippling fear of speech.
But this boy hadn’t.
I’d seen girls looking at him as we walked, beautiful girls with confidence
in their smiles. But he seemed not to notice them. If he did, he paid them no
mind.
But he did to me. He showered me with attention. Attention I was sure I
didn’t deserve.
Levi’s strong hand suddenly landed on my upper arm, pulling me back to
the here and now. I felt his breath at my right ear before I heard his soft
voice. “Look into the distance, Elsie. You see the mountain?”
Focusing on what was in front of me, I gasped when, in the distance, the
peak of a mountain thrust through the white clouds shrouding it. The sight
of its beauty made me lose my breath. With Levi immediately behind me,
my heart leapt into a sprint, and butterflies swooped in my stomach.
“Mount Rainier, Elsie.”
When I stared at the mountain, I filled with happiness; so much happiness
that, for a moment, it dulled when I thought about my life. This didn’t
happen to me. My life didn’t have these things. I didn’t have these clothes
and I certainly didn’t have these experiences. My days weren’t like this.
This wasn’t me.
For a moment, the negative thoughts overwhelmed me, so much that my
hands slipped off the rail and I wriggled free of Levi’s protection. I held
onto my chest, feeling as though I could feel my mom’s arm hugging me
close, her sad eyes telling me that no one would ever understand us, that we
would always be alone. Annabelle telling me that no one would ever want
me, that the minute I opened my mouth and spoke, they’d see me for the
retard I was.
I couldn’t breathe.
Pushing past the people flooding the deck of the Needle, I aimed for the
elevator, desperate to return to street-level. “Elsie!” I heard Levi calling my
name, but I had to get away… I needed a break from all of this.
Reaching the elevator, I stood at the back of the line waiting to board. The
elevator arrived within a few seconds and I stepped inside, just as Levi’s
hand landed on my arm. I wanted to call out to tell him to let me go. But as
I pushed to the back of the elevator, he wrapped me in his arms.
I heard people following us, but Levi held me tight, until my arms
wrapped around his waist. The elevator began to descend. I gripped onto to
him like he was my lifeline. Hearing the door open, I let him lead me
outside. I let him lead me away, until his heavy arms loosened and I lifted
my head to feel the wind. I breathed, I breathed and I breathed, until my
racing heart began to slow.
One of Levi’s hands stayed on my back, and I turned, registering concern
on his face. His head tilted to the side and he asked, “Elsie, are you okay?”
I shook my head, fighting the tears pricking in my eyes. I glanced at the
crowd of people in the distance and reached up to hold tightly onto my
locket.
Baby girl, we’re not as lucky as others in this life. There’s no place for us.
They’ll laugh; they always laugh…
Squeezing my lids shut, I sucked in a breath and found myself pulled into
the comfort of Levi’s chest. “You want to go home?” he asked, in a voice as
soft as a feather.
I inhaled his warm scent and shook my head. I didn’t want to go back to
the mansion where he lived. I… I didn’t know where I wanted to be, where
I wanted to go.
Levi was watching me, and he placed his finger under my chin and asked,
“Can I take you one more place?” He cast his gaze round us and said, “It’s
getting dark, and there’s one last place I want you to see.”
I didn’t know, I wasn’t sure—
“It’ll be just us when we get there. We… can be alone, away from the
crowds.” The gentleness of his voice soothed my panic, his acceptance of
my behavior meant I would happily follow him anywhere.
Apprehension crept over Levi’s face, and I couldn’t bear it. After
everything he had done for me, I wanted to see nothing but happiness on his
face.
 Reaching down, I took his hand in mine and nodded my head. Levi
exhaled a long sigh of relief. Bending down, he pressed his forehead against
mine. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss
me. But he didn’t, he simply said, “It’s okay.”
The tension in my chest lifted in an instant. Two words, two simple
everyday words rescued me from dark thoughts; spoken by the sweetest boy
I’d ever met.
In silence, Levi took my hand and led me to the monorail that swept us
back to the city. With every passing minute daylight faded. I kept tight hold
of Levi, until we again headed toward the waterfront. Suddenly, a huge
Ferris wheel hove into view, and I allowed excitement to trickle through my
veins. I’d never been on one before, though I’d seen them, envying the kids
whose parents took them to the fair.
Squeezing my hand, Levi led me to the front of the line after he paid. The
man working the wheel took us to a pod and shut the door for us. Levi sat
beside me and slipped his fingers through mine. I stared out of the glass and
the wheel began to move.
My stomach flipped as we began to ascend. I was mesmerized by the
forest of colored lights, gradually becoming overawed by the unfolding
scene the higher we rose. I felt Levi shifting on his seat beside me. I cast a
subtle glance in his direction. When I did, he was looking out the opposite
side of the pod. His knee was bouncing up and down. His free hand was
tapping on his thigh. I had seen many sides of Levi since I had met him—
shy, timid, kind and soft—but right now he was frustrated, a side of him
that was new.
I turned away, worried at what I’d done wrong, when Levi suddenly
dropped to his knees before me, startling me. His face wore a serious
expression, but I could see his nerves bubbling underneath. That scared
more than ever.
He looked distraught.
He looked defeated and troubled.
I hated seeing him this way.
Lifting my hand, I pressed it to his cheek. Levi never seemed to shave, his
olive skin always wearing a light spread of stubble. As soon as my palm
touched his skin, his eyes closed and he nuzzled my hand. It made me
breathless seeing him this way. When his hand reached up to lay over mine,
my heart seemed to crack right down the middle.
I shuffled forward. His eyes snapped open, searing into mine. Before I
could do anything else to soothe him, he brokenly said, “I’m scared of
being alone.” I froze as those words left his lips. “I’m scared to let anyone
in, because every time I do, they seem to leave or let me down.” He
swallowed hard, and rasped, “I fight everyday trying to be normal, it was
my biggest wish, to be able to speak to people with ease, but I’m tired. I’d
given up thinking anyone out there was like me, who I could talk to without
fear… until I met you.” I paused in breathing, then real panic took hold
when he revealed, “Now, my biggest wish is to hear you speak. To say
anything.”
Levi’s request caused the blood to drain from my face. The pod stilled,
swinging in the wind, and I fidgeted on my seat.
I wanted to get out. I needed to get out, but I was trapped. Desperate for
space, I tried to move back on my seat, but Levi held tight, refusing to let
me go.
“I get it,” he whispered softly. Pain sliced through my heart at the sadness
in his tone. He was disappointed. I concentrated on breathing when he said,
“I wouldn’t ever judge you. I just want you to know that if you ever wanted
to speak, I’d be ready to listen. I’m waiting to listen. I… I told you my
biggest fears because I think this is yours. I wanted you to know that you’re
not alone, that I have crippling fears too.” I shook my head, pure panic
keeping me still. Levi inched closer. Removing my hand from his face he
held it to his chest.
Over his heart.
“I don’t know why you don’t speak, you might not want to say. But I like
you, Elsie. I more than like you. You’re the only girl I’ve ever been able to
speak to.” He took a deep breath. “And I’d love to know you more.” He
shook his head, his gaze softening just a touch. “I’ve read your words on
paper, Elsie. And your poem slayed me.” He paused. I watched his beautiful
face redden as he searched for words to say. His free hand raked through his
fair hair, and his heart raced under my hand. “I’d love to hear some words
from your lips too.” I hated seeing him so torn. I hated seeing him so upset,
struggling with baring his soul, to explain why he wanted me to speak.
Hide your voice, baby girl. Protect your heart…
My mom’s words circled my head, taunting me and stealing my voice.
She’d warned me all my life that people would make fun. She’d warned me
that they’d laugh, that I’d always be misunderstood.
And she was right. Unbearably right.
The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and the scars on my wrists
itched as though awakened by my dark thoughts. Whether I wanted to or
not, the painful memories flooded my head and I squeezed my eyes shut.
Annabelle’s vicious ghost took the reins…
Creeping into the room, I prayed she was asleep. The lights were off as I
snuck toward my bed, but before I reached it, a hard hand pushed me back
against the wall. I cried out silently as my back hit the wall, and Annabelle’s
narrowed eyes bored into mine.
 “So you do speak?” she said tauntingly and I closed my eyes to escape the
bitterness in her stare. I didn’t reply, too ashamed that she’d heard me
speak, heard me speak when I was made to by the house leader at dinner.
Made to speak in front of all the girls in the house, the girls that had been
hurting me for weeks and weeks.
Annabelle’s fingers cut into the skin of my arms until my eyes snapped
open and she smiled. I stared at her cruel smile and felt all the blood drain
from my face. “At least I know why you choose to write down your
questions and notes, dumbfuck, because your voice is pathetic. I wouldn’t
speak either if I sounded like you. If my voice sounded as stupid and as
embarrassing as that.”
Hot tears scalded my eyes, threatening to fall, but I pushed them back.
Annabelle laughed again, then let me go. I caught my breath as she moved
back to her bed. I stayed against the wall as she lifted the comforter over
her body and rolled toward the wall.
Making my shaking legs move, I began going to my bed, when she said,
“Don’t speak around me again. Your voice cuts through me like nails on a
blackboard. It’s the worst sound I’ve ever heard. Stay mute and dumb, no
one should be subjected to that fucking nasty sound. For a minute, I wished
I was deaf when you opened your retarded mouth and spoke.”
This time, unable to keep them held back, my tears streamed down my
face. But Annabelle never saw as I crawled into my bed. Crawled into my
bed and buried my head in my pillow. I let my sadness flow out, because I
knew that tomorrow she’d start all over again. Tearing me apart, strip by
strip, inch by inch, piece by piece…
Levi took me from the memory when he dropped his forehead to mine.
The minute I felt his touch, he helped me breathe, slowly freeing my mind
of the echoes of their taunts.
 His warm palm pressed against my cheek, the gesture bringing me peace.
He would have no idea why, but that touch was my heart and my soul, that
familiar hand on my cheek and his forehead pressed to mine.
Closing my eyes, I searched for a reason not to trust Levi, but I could find
none. He’d shown me charity and compassion. He’d shown me kindness
and a pure heart. But Annabelle’s words were burned in my heart, my fear
too deep and too strong to defeat.
“Elsie,” he whispered again. “You can talk to me. You can open up to me.
I swear you are safe with me.”
Tethering myself to any shred of courage I could find, I pushed Levi’s face
to stay just an inch from mine, and pointed at my mouth. “I’m afraid to
speak,” I mouthed, knowing he watched my every word.
“Why?” he asked.
I moved my hand to point at my ear, tears building in my eyes. Tapping
my left ear, the ear that could hear no sound, I mouthed, “I sound,” I
paused, making sure he could see, “different to,” I pointed at his chest,
“you.”
Levi’s eyebrows were lowered, but as I mouthed this sentence,
understanding dawned on his face. “I don’t care,” he replied, nothing but
honestly in voice.
His understanding, his complete understanding caused tears to tumble
down my cheeks. Everyone cared. They cared when my mom spoke, and
they laughed in her face. And Annabelle, those other girls, they cared too.
“Elsie, Please,” Levi pushed again, “just say my name… just say, anything
to me.”
Silence filled the pod, the lights from the city twinkling below where we
sat. My eyes dropped down, to hide from what he might say, but I forced
myself to open my mouth, and I let his name quietly pass my lips. “Levi.”
 He froze as the sound of my strange voice filled our little space. Shame
and embarrassment completely took me in their hold.
It’s the worst sound I’ve ever heard. Stay mute and dumb, no one should
be subjected to that fucking nasty sound… I squeezed my eyes shut as I
heard that spiteful voice again. I tried to pull away, but Levi held tight. He
wouldn’t let me go. My eyes opened, to beg him to give me space, but all I
saw staring back were glossy gray eyes… and a beautiful face, filled with…
pride.
Pride for me?
He was… proud of me?
I didn’t understand.
“Elsie,” he whispered, a deep broken timbre to his voice. “You said my
name.”
I tried to look away, to escape the emotion in his eyes, but a hand on my
cheek pulled me back, forcing me to stay exactly where we were. I dropped
my head, too embarrassed by what he’d think of how I sounded. Of my
voice, the one I’d hidden for so long.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. I shook my head. He didn’t let it pass, and
lifted my face. “What?” he repeated, searching my face for an answer.
My hand ran down my throat, and I mouthed, “I’m embarrassed.” I licked
my lips, tasting the salt from the tears still trickling down my face. I sucked
in a breath, and finished, “Of how I sound. It’s horrible.”
I watched Levi’s face pale. Suddenly, the Ferris wheel turned again,
bringing us to the highest point of the ride. Levi’s hands both pressed on my
cheeks, my eyes crashed back with his.
Reaching up, I gripped onto his wrists as his tongue ran round his lips. I
watched this shy boy swallow. I watched him stare at my lips, a red blush
mushrooming on his cheeks. The air around us seemed to crackle with
tension. Nervous shivers danced up my spine.
“I want,” Levi breathed, “I want to kiss you,” he whispered, barely making
a sound. “Real bad.”
I was shocked into stillness. Levi’s warm breath drifted over my face, and
I found it in me to ask, “Why?”
Levi pushed closer to me, his breathing stuttered. “Because you’re you,”
he replied, and I felt my walled-up heart begin to crumble some. “Because
you’re you,” he repeated again.
Levi’s hands loosened a touch, when he shyly confessed, “Elsie. I ain’t
ever kissed no one before.”
I frowned, finding it impossible that someone who looked like him, who
had everything, had never kissed a girl. That he’d wanted to kiss me after
he’d heard me. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t disgusted by my sound,
why he wasn’t agreeing that I should keep silent.
“You ever kissed anyone, Elsie?”
Seeing he was focused on my lips, I mouthed, “No.”
Levi’s thumb ran back and forth on my cheek, and he offered, “Say it,
Elsie. Don’t shy away again.”
I shook my head, ready to argue against using my voice, when he said,
“You don’t sound different, or bad. I don’t know why you hate your voice.
Because you sound perfect to me. Your voice, so sweet and… just you.”
I froze, letting his words sink in. I couldn’t believe it. It couldn’t possibly
be the truth. But all I saw was honestly in his expression.
As if seeing my overwhelming feelings of his acceptance, Levi leaned
forward and gently pressed his lips to mine—it was a whisper of a kiss, as
soft and delicate as a butterfly’s wings. A surprised whimper escaped my
lips, and Levi pulled back. His eyes were closed tightly and he breathed
hard.
The wheel drew to a stop again. I waited, patiently, for what he would do
next, when he suddenly pushed forward, taking my lips once again. His
mouth pressed against mine, as soft and as gentle as before. We stayed that
way, still and unmoving, but shyly joined for seconds and seconds, it felt
like days. Flutters sprung in my chest as his hand drifted delicately down
my face, and I sighed lightly, giving my happiness away.
We breathed the same air as we slowly, nervously drifted apart. Levi shyly
met my eyes to assert, “I loved hearing your voice.” I stilled. “It’s
beautiful… like you. Just as beautiful as your perfect pretty face. You ain’t
got nothing to be ashamed of.”
Feeling brave, hearing the sincerity in his words, hearing the acceptance of
my voice I’d wanted to hear all of my life, I quietly replied, “Thank you,”
just as the wheel began taking us downward.
Levi shifted back to sit beside me, only this time his heavy muscled arm
lay over my shoulders and he pulled me to his side. My smaller frame fit
perfectly against his side, like we were too broken pieces being put
perfectly back together. Wanting to touch him too, I put my arm around his
waist, smiling to myself when I heard his breathing hitch at my welcome
touch.
I stared out of the glass pod at the city beyond. I felt like I was in heaven
—high in the sky; safe, fed and warm, with the sweetest kindest boy who
accepted my biggest flaw.
I had to blink back the water in my eyes when I felt Levi brush a kiss on
the top of my head, then move down to kiss the tip of my left ear. The ear
that had been unsalvageable. The ear that was completely deaf. The one that
had caused me so much grief.
 Tipping my head up so he could see my face, Levi smiled his gorgeous shy
smile, the sweet, sweet smile forever etched on my brain, and brought his
lips to mine for a feather light kiss.
Sighing, he said, “I also love kissing you, Elsie. ‘Bout as much as I love
hearing your voice.”
He waited, just waited, and I knew it was for me to respond. Fighting back
the crushing insecurity that I’d lived with all my life, I replied, “I love
kissing you too.”
I winced, the sound of my voice monotone and slightly higher in pitch
than most people. But Levi’s finger smoothed the lines on my forehead and
his smile lit up my world.
“I love,” he started, “I love that you saved your voice for me, that you
gave your voice to me.”
For a worrying moment I still couldn’t believe if he was telling the truth or
not. But there it was, in his eyes. He meant every single word.
It was a gift. It was freedom.
He’d given me back my voice.
“No more silence,” Levi said, and pulled me close. I felt him shift so that
his mouth was nearer my right ear, the ear from which I could hear. “Not
with me, Elsie. No more silence with me. Even if it’s only with me.”
Levi shifted on the seat, gently guiding me to sit up. The pod suddenly
stopped, and the guy operating the wheel opened the door for us to get out.
Without taking his arm from around my shoulders, Levi guided me from the
pod and we began walking back to the car. I wrapped my arm around his
waist. I couldn’t help but feel safe under his protection.
When we were far enough from the wheel, far away from anyone around
us, Levi asked, “Did you like the wheel, Elsie?”
 I looked up and nodded my head, only for Levi to patiently wait. I knew it
was for me to speak. He may have been quiet, but part of him was
unwavering, showing he wasn’t all shyness after all. “I loved it,” I said
quietly, and Levi proudly threw me a smile.
Warmth burst in my chest, my body lighter now that my trapped voice had
been set free. Levi’s arm dropped from my shoulder and he took my hand in
his. I frowned, wondering why he’d let go, when he explained, “I wanna see
your face when we talk.”
I breathed in the salty sea air, and stared out over the water. My fingers,
joined with Levi’s, tightened, and I cast him a smile. Levi lowered his head
and said, “You’re real pretty.”
I shook my head. I wasn’t, he was, but I loved hearing such a sentiment
issuing from his lips. Ignoring a tightening in my stomach, I said, “The
view from the wheel,” I paused as I fought the urge to be silent, “it was
beautiful.”
Levi sighed and nodded his head. We were not far from the car when Levi
asked, “What’s your favorite sight, Elsie? What’s the most beautiful thing
you’ve seen?”
The happiness I was feeling fled, only to be replaced by a deep sadness.
Levi must have noticed the dramatic switch because he questioned, “What?
What’s wrong?”
I stared down at the floor, then knowing I wanted to share a little more of
who I was, to open up to this boy, I stopped under the light of a streetlight.
I could see the frown on Levi’s face, but I wanted to do this. I had never
told anyone who I was, what my life was like. I’d never told anyone, shown
anyone… her.
Releasing Levi’s hand, who remained as silent as a statue, I took off my
gloves, pushing the warm material into my pocket. The wind blew colder
this close to the water, but I fought the chill to reach into my shirt and pull
out my locket. I saw Levi’s attention turn to the necklace, and his frown
slipped into an expression of curiosity.
“Your locket?” he asked. “You find your locket most beautiful?”
“Yes,” I replied, then continued “and no.”
Levi’s frown returned to his handsome face, when I lifted my fingers to
open the tiny clasp. Levi watched my every move. I stepped further into the
street light, opening the locket to reveal what I treasured most.
Levi stepped closer, his eyes narrowed as he studied the small picture. I
knew he would understand when he saw the treasure inside: a picture of my
mom, young and smiling. Beautiful; the most beautiful thing in my world.
“Elsie,” Levi whispered, and placed his finger under my finger to lift the
locket closer. He studied the picture for what felt like an age, before he
correctly guessed, “Your mamma?”
“Yes,” I replied, and covered Levi’s hand with my own. His eyes fell down
to mine, and I could see the understanding shining back. I could see the
same understanding of loss in his gaze, that I knew was in my own.
“She was beautiful,” he said, my throat clogging at the fact someone was
paying my mom a compliment. No one ever did. She was judged her whole
life, right up until the day she died.
But she was my mom. I loved her most in the world.
I hadn’t realized I was crying until Levi moved closer, and brushed his
thumb over my cheek capturing the falling droplet. I thought he would
speak. I was waiting for him to ask me how she’d died. Ask me what
happened—the one thing I couldn’t disclose. The pain was too much.
Instead his hand moved down, and as gentle as a whisper, he closed the
locket, lifting my hand to press a kiss to the back of my fingers. I tried not
to fall apart out on the street where anyone could see. But Levi’s silence, his
gesture that he was here for me, not pushing me to speak of what hurt me
most, meant I couldn’t hold back my emotion if I tried.
Levi pulled me to his chest and wrapped his strong muscled arms around
me. I fell against his chest, and cried. I had opened the Pandora’s box that
held in check my tears and pain.
Levi’s breath was ragged in my ear, so much so I could almost feel the
pain of his loss. He held me on that spot for minutes and minutes. He held
me until the last tear fell, until my throat and chest were raw.
Slipping my hand up to press on his chest, I eased back and nodded my
head. Levi cupped my face in response, leaning in to press the sweetest kiss
to my lips. I cast a watery smile, Levi took hold of my hand.
As we walked, cold air filled my lungs, melting my sorrow. But Levi was
quiet. Too quiet. I had come to understand that walking in silence, for us
two, was comfortable. We didn’t need words. We didn’t need to fill the air
between us with meaningless conversation. I could walk beside him all day,
his hand holding mine or his arm around my shoulder pulling me close, and
I’d be the happiest girl in the world.
But this time seemed different.
This silence was strained. Levi’s hand was tense and hard, the tension
thick with sadness? Emotion? I couldn’t quite tell.
I wondered if I had upset him by showing him my mom’s picture. I
wondered if seeing the picture of my mom had brought back too many bad
memories for him. But I didn’t dare ask, not after all he had done for me
today, not after our sweet kisses. I didn’t want him to be upset. I didn’t want
to end the day with him in pain.
Reaching the Jeep, I buckled my belt and sat quietly, waiting for Levi to
take us home. But he sat still in the driver’s side, staring down at the wheel.
I could see his eyes were unfocused. I could see he was thinking, one side
of his bottom lip was sucked into his mouth.
I turned to look out of the window. The crescent moon shone brightly in
the sky. The silver moon made me think of Levi’s eyes; the pretty gray like
liquid silver, like moonbeams put there by God to make him stand out.
“I wanna show you something, Elsie,” he abruptly rasped out.
“Okay,” I replied, when I caught the heaviness in his voice. Butterflies
flew in my chest, only out of nerves this time. Because whatever he was
about to show me wasn’t anything light. Whatever it was cut him up inside.
Crashed his gentle spirit.
My stomach churned.
Hating to see him so troubled, I leaned over and placed my hand on his
thigh. Levi sucked in a breath, then tilted his head to the side to see me
better. I watched him exhale, then he put the Jeep in gear and moved us out.
I had no idea where we were going, but Levi’s thigh remained tense as we
passed through the busy streets, dark clouds moving in above us. I knew
wherever it was, whatever he wanted to show me, was why he was so
closed in.
I just prayed that I could be there for him the same way he’d been there for
me.
I wanted to return the kindness.
I wanted to return the strength.
I wanted his trust.
Just like he had mine.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Ten

Levi

I never spoke about this. I never told anyone here, in Seattle, about my past.
I never told anyone, not even my brothers, that I did this. That I came here.
Axel didn’t even know that I’d copied his keys.
But I was taking Elsie. I was showing Elsie. Sharing my secret with her,
like she had shared hers with me.
I wasn’t in denial about the gravity of what this meant.
When she’d shown me that locket. When she’d shown me her mamma and
I saw the pain in her eyes, I wanted her to know she wasn’t alone. She was
always alone. My silent girl¸ alone with her thoughts. No voice to share her
pain, no person to tell her it was okay that she was sad.
I replayed her soft voice in my head, her stunning small voice, slightly
higher in pitch than how a hearing person’s would normally be, the tone
slightly less expressive, but barely so. And I replayed how ashamed she’d
looked, how embarrassed she was as she spoke, like I’d find her less
attractive because of how she sounded. Like I’d make her keep quiet.
Impossible.
My heart splintered trying to think of what had been said in her past to
make her think that, at what the mocking people had done to her to make
her so closed in. Then I saw that picture of her mamma, but more than that,
I saw what it had cost her to show me it. The emotion that she couldn’t
contain, when I saw what was an older version of herself, smiling at the
camera. I’d had so many questions, but I could see that she was shattering
as she held out the locket in her small shaking hands.
As she’d cried into my chest, I knew I’d be bringing her here too. I didn’t
know why, but as Elsie cried in my arms, I could see my mamma in my
mind’s eye. She’d have taken one look at Elsie, breaking so hard, and given
her a home right away. My mamma would have held Elsie tight, keeping
her safe.
As I thought this, I had one place I needed Elsie to see. She was the first
person who had ever made me want to share this—both the beauty and the
fear.
Only a few miles from the warehouse, rain began to patter on the
windshield, the fat drops getting harder and harder the closer we got.
Parking up at the warehouse, I reached into the glove compartment of the
Jeep and pulled out the key.
Elsie watched my every move, but she didn’t ask any questions. She
trusted me. Hearing the rumbling of thunder building in the distance, I
ducked out of the Jeep, running round the hood to open Elsie’s door. The
rain was coming harder now. Not wanting Elsie to get wet as she was still
feeling a little sick, I rushed us into the warehouse, quickly unlocking the
door and pushing us inside. The large warehouse was cold and dark. I felt
Elsie’s hand grip onto the back of my jacket and instantly remembered that
she hated the dark.
I slipped my hand into my pocket and pulled out my cell. I pressed the
flashlight icon and held it out in front of us until we reached the light
switch. As soon as the main lights came on, I heard Elsie exhale in relief,
quickly followed by a short sharp gasp. Elsie released her hand on my back,
and as I stayed still, she moved round me.
 Stopping beside me, I watched as Elsie eyes drank in the vast room. The
room was filled with a myriad of covered statues, but of course, she didn’t
know what was underneath.
Elsie’s blond eyebrows pulled down, and when she looked up at me, she
asked, “What is this place?” Any trepidation I felt at revealing the statue
disappeared, hearing Elsie growing bold to speak without being asked. Like
she was reading my mind, she ducked her head and quietly said, “You don’t
make me afraid.”
These words lit something inside me. I spun to stand in front of her,
cupping her pretty face, and brought her to my lips. This time the kiss was
longer, our lips joined closer. This place, what I was about to show her—a
secret I kept to myself—and the heaviness that came with its link to my
past, made me need her that much more. Elsie sighed against my mouth as
my hand ran slowly to the back of her head.
Breaking away, I sucked in a sharp breath. Elsie’s eyes were closed tight
like she didn’t want the moment to be over. I drank in her face; the smooth
skin, her full pink lips. Momentarily, I felt stunned.
“I’m not scared… to speak to you,” Elsie whispered, then fluttered her
eyes to stare straight into mine.
“Good,” I rasped, and forced myself to step back.
I turned, inhaling through my nose. I stayed that way for a damn minute,
working on calming down. When I’d got myself together, I opened my
eyes. The statue that had become my beacon was directly in my sights. As I
stepped forward, a crash of thunder echoed above and my heart jumped.
Fitting, I thought, that a storm rolls in as we come here.
Showing Elsie who I had lost. Showing her the reason my life flipped on
its head and corkscrewed into a tailspin, leaving a hole permanently in my
heart.
 Suddenly feeling a small hand take my own, I glanced down to see Elsie
looking up at me. “What is this place?”
I squeezed her hand and led her forward, clearing the emotion from my
throat first. “I don’t know what Lexi might have told you about my family,
about what my brothers do.”
“Football,” Elsie replied, as we came to a halt in front of the tallest
covered piece.
Turning to face Elsie, I nodded my head. “I play football at college, and of
course Austin plays football for the ‘Hawks’.” I breathed deep, and added,
“But I have an older brother too, Axel, and he, well, he’s a sculptor.” Elsie’s
head moved scanning the large space, her eyes becoming unnaturally wide.
“All of these?” she asked, pointing her hand at the many statues. Now she
was speaking more, I could hear a slightly different tone to her voice that I
hadn’t caught before. My heart broke when I thought of how embarrassed
she felt about it. Now that I was hearing it more, I could hear it. It was
noticeable. I could hear the slight inflection that had set her apart. But I
believed it was nothing but endearing. This little blonde, my girl, had
survived the streets, being deaf, and Christ knows what else.
But she’d survived.
Like I’d survived.
Elsie stepped back and she turned to walk amongst the white sheets. She
looked like she was lost in a dream, her small frame threading its way
amongst the towering marble sculptures.
When she came back to me, she asked, “Your brother, he created what is
under all of these?”
I nodded my head and moved to the sculpture of the Heighter’s Stidda—
the gang sign, a Sicilian star—piercing a heart. With Elsie watching on, I
pulled back the sheet, the impressive marble coming into view.
 Elsie stepped closer, her head bending down to study the sculpture. I knew
she wouldn’t understand this piece, how could she? How the hell could she
know what our lives had been before? The crap that I was dragged into…
the things that I’d done. The gang I’d been fully immersed in.
Elsie reached out to touch the sculpture, but then quickly wrenched it
back. She glanced to me like she’d done something wrong, but I assured,
“It’s alright, you can touch it.”
With the tips of her fingers she ran her hand over the bleeding heart,
swallowing hard as she admired the piece. A sense of pride filled me,
seeing her so overawed by something my brother created. But at the same
time, I was dreading telling her what everything was about. She was so
worried about speaking because she felt she would be judged harshly. I
worried that what I’d done in my past would paint me to be someone I
wasn’t. And for a minute, I wondered if I should tell her any of it. She
might yet be the one to cut and run.
Needing to just go through with it, I walked to the statue that cut me in
two. I could hear the padding of Elsie’s feet behind me. I dragged the sheet
from the marble and immediately turned away. I heard nothing from Elsie
for several minutes. I didn’t turn until I felt gentle fingers on my shoulder.
Gentle fingers which were guiding me to face my past.
I did as she wanted, and immediately met her watery gaze. My heart fired
waiting for censure, for disgust or something worse; instead, Elsie stood on
her tiptoes and pressed her hand against my cheek.
“That was you, as a child?” she asked, searching my face, her blue eyes
filled with sympathy.
“Yeah,” I croaked.
Elsie walked back to the sculpture. It was of me, as a kid, holding a gun,
with Axel stood behind. Elsie’s hand ran over the boy’s face, tears
cascading down her cheek.
Something in me cracked.
Broke.
Shattered.
Because here she was, seeing the real me. She was crying for me. She was
breaking her heart for me.
My breathing paused as I watched her staring at my young marble face.
Then she pressed her hand to the boy’s cheeks and stroked her thumb along
the tear of blood below his eye. “You were so scared,” she said, reading the
image correctly, and withdrew her hand to clutch at her chest. Her already
soft voice broke and she whispered, “Levi, what have you been through?”
I felt that question rip through to my soul, and I hushed a well-practiced
response, “Hell.”
Elsie froze, my head dropped in shame. A crash of thunder clapped above
us. I squeezed my eyes shut. It’s just the Roman Gods letting the world
know they’re still here, I reminded myself, chasing the shattering memories
that peel of thunder evoked. But my sins were being laid bare in this room
full of marble, to the only girl I’ve ever been able to speak to, the only one
who maybe, just maybe, might be able to understand.
I heard her breathing in front of me first, then I felt her fingers threading
through mine. But I didn’t open my eyes. I couldn’t. Something about her
standing there, hand on heart, saddened by that sculpture, had undone me. It
had broken me to pieces.
Hell, I heard the echo of my voice repeat in my head, that’s what I’d been
through.
I felt Elsie’s mouth at my ear. “I have seen Hell too.”
This time my eyes flew open, and Elsie wrapped her arms around my
neck. She didn’t ask anything more. She didn’t ask who I’d shot. She didn’t
ask who the older guy was, the one pushing me to shoot.
She just… held me, no questions, no conditions.
A flash of lightning lit up the room, followed by the loudest of thunder
claps. But I held Elsie tightly, refusing to let her go. I held her, and for the
first time, I felt something within me begin to stitch together. Felt the
weight of my past lessen some. Felt the nightmare of being in that gang, of
living in that time, lift a little—because of this girl in my arms.
I breathed in the coconut scent of Elsie’s hair; in and out, in and out, until
she gently pulled back, her soft hands running down my chest. I could see
she had no idea what to say to me.
But I had one last thing to say to her, or show her. Taking hold of her
wrists, I gently pushed her back and guided her to the final sculpture, the
one I brought her here to see.
Elsie was silent, of course she was. But I knew this time it was because
she could feel the sheer weight of my pain. She felt what showing her this
sculpture meant to me.
Releasing my grip on one of her wrists, I put my hand in my pocket and
pulled out the rosary that Elsie had taken by mistake, but brought me back.
I ran the wooden beads through my hands and immediately felt the coldness
of our old trailer, yet also the warm loving hands of Mamma singing to me
in her perfect soprano pitch, stroking my hair and rocking me to sleep.
“Levi?” Elsie’s hoarse sweet little voice pulled me round, and I realized I
had been standing still, rooted to the spot. I realized my hands were
shaking. I realized my eyes had blurred with tears.
I glanced down at Elsie and saw the compassion on her face. Lifting my
hand, I ran it down her soft cheek, and said, “I asked you what you thought
was the most beautiful thing in your world.” My hand dropped to the locket
around her neck and I ran the tip of my finger over the delicate object. Elsie
swallowed and inhaled a low pained breath. “It was your mamma,” I said.
Elsie’s eyes squeezed together and she nodded her head.
“I don’t know how you lost her, Elsie, but I know what it feels like to lose
the one person that’s your world too young.” I nodded my head. “I know
what it’s like to feel a piece of your soul break away… I know what it’s like
for a hole to form in your heart, and never seal itself shut because you had
no time with them. Cheated from getting to know them as an adult.”
Elsie’s tears fell down her cheeks; I backed away. To nature’s pyrotechnic
show of light, and its soundtrack of thunder, I pulled back the sheet, hearing
Elsie gasp behind me.
I didn’t look up. I wasn’t sure I could right now.
Elsie walked past me. I saw her in my peripheral vision. She stared up at
the angel, at all I had left of my mamma.
I breathed in and out, waiting for the strength to lift my eyes. But I wasn’t
sure I could do it. I wasn’t sure I could ever find the courage. The rosary
beads dug into my skin with the strength that I held them. Suddenly, Elsie
was in front of me. The expression on her face was one I’d never seen
before. Elsie’s hand fell to mine and she hooked a single finger around
mine.
I stared down at those fingers, and she whispered, “You’re mom was
beautiful.”
Pain sliced through me, and I fought to see her healthy in my head. But the
memories didn’t come. The only memories that filtered into my mind were
of her lying paralyzed in bed, with her sad, dark eyes watching helplessly as
our lives fell apart. All I remembered was the day I came home with the
Stidda on my left cheek—the Heighter mark confirming I’d taken my first
shot at a rival King—and the pain that echoed on her broken stare. This was
the stare that replayed in my head each night. That and—
 “What happened, Levi?” Elsie asked quietly.
My breathing labored, as Elsie let me go. She walked to the side of the
angel sculpture that saw my mamma broken and lost, her body dying, face
wracked in pain. But what broke me most was Elsie dropping to her knees
before my mamma’s cupped hands, black ash in her palms, drawn by
death’s insistent pull.
The sight of the girl I was losing my heart to, kneeling before the woman
with the already shattered heart, began to overpower me. Elsie reached out
her trembling hand and cupped my mamma’s frail cheek. Elsie’s bottom lip
quivered, then her gaze fell to me.
“ALS,” I rasped, now overcome with emotion by the unfolding scene.
“She died slowly and painfully. She died before our very eyes, day by day,
minute by minute, but—”
“What?” Elsie prompted, her eyes back on my mamma. I walked closer,
and closer still, feeling like a magnet was steadily drawing me to the sweet
silent girl who had blasted into my life like a hurricane.
I lowered myself to the floor and my head dropped in shame. Elsie shifted
before me. I took comfort in the sweet smell of coconuts from her hair. But
the shame, the guilt her question had sparked, broke the dam I’d built up
inside.
“Levi—”
“She fell unconscious, alone. I was in the trailer, I was meant to be in her
room watching her, it was my turn, but—”
This time Elsie didn’t push. I squeezed my eyes shut, remembering that
night; the last night my mamma opened her eyes. I opened my mouth. As
though it was fighting for its freedom, with rosary rotating in hand, I
admitted my biggest sin…
 The rain bounced off the trailer’s roof as I sat on the floor of my mamma’s
bedroom, her soft weakening eyes watching my every move.
Axel was gone. He had run away from the police after someone OD’d on
the drugs he had dealt. Austin had taken his place as the Heighters’ right
hand man. Austin was outside now, standing in the rain, waiting for the
paying druggies to come get their fix.
I read the sentence again but my mind wasn’t on it. Dropping the pen and
paper to the floor, I rested my head against the mattress of Mamma’s small
bed. I stared at the damp-stained roof and took a deep breath. Feeling I was
being watched, I turned my head to the side, to find Mamma’s eyes
watching me.
I blushed, never liking being under any attention. Shifting until I sat right
before where she lay, I smiled and said, “You okay, Mamma?” My mamma’s
eyelids closed, her most recent sign for ‘yes’, but I could see something else
was in that stare. And it frightened me. Her eyes were dull, and the usual
light sitting in their depths had dimmed.
I cast my eyes over her body, noting how thin she had become in recent
weeks. A lump built in my throat but I swallowed it back, wanting nothing
more than a miracle to occur, and for her to get to her feet and walk.
A soft noise came from her mouth, and I ran my hand down her face. She
was cold. Real cold. My stomach flipped, not liking how cold she was.
Seeing her rosary beads on her side table, I placed them in her hand,
moving her fingers through the beads and locking them in place. “There
you go, Mamma,” I said. “You got your beads with you now.” Mamma’s
eyes widened, and I knew that was her sign for me to stay, to speak.
Clearing my throat, I picked up my paper for school and said, “We’re
studying the Roman Gods, Mamma. You’d like it.” My smile faded and I
dropped the paper to the ground. The thunder clapped up ahead, and I
unconsciously moved closer to my mamma, pressing my hand to lay over
hers. Mamma’s eyes tracked my every move, flinching as the thunder
exploded above.
Forcing a smile, I said, “Don’t worry, Mamma. It’s just the Roman God’s
telling the world they’re still here.” I waited, wanting to catch the humor, or
even a sign of recognition in my mamma’s eyes. But there was no happiness.
Instead I saw tiredness. Utter exhaustion.
A teardrop fell from her eye, stabbing me like a knife. I watched the tear
pass down her cheek. Then another fell. And another. Mamma’s face paled,
and my heartbeat fired off, deep fear taking hold. I wondered what was
going on. Then, in her brown eyes, I saw what I thought was—
The sound of a car pulling up outside grabbed my attention. Unable to
cope with that look in her eyes, the look that brought me more fear than any
life in the gang or on the streets could bring, I jumped to my feet, leaving
the rosary in her hand. Sucking in a breath, I burst into the dark trailer
park, into the torrential rain, only to see Romeo Prince, Austin’s best friend,
standing in front of his truck.
And I ran to him. I ran to him and he pulled me to his chest. My heart
thundered and I fought the tears threatening to pour. I wanted to stay out
here, I was too afraid to go back inside.
I was too afraid to see what had looked like the final goodbye in her eyes.
At her body that no longer had the strength to keep going.
But Austin ordered me back inside to check on Mamma. It was my duty
tonight. Nodding my head at Austin, I walked back into the trailer. As soon
as the trailer door shut, silence clogged the air.
Forcing my heavy feet to take me to Mamma’s room, I pushed open the
door, to see the rosary on the floor, Mamma’s hand limp and hanging over
the edge of the bed. Her eyes were closed, and I ran forward, dropping to
my knees.
“No,” I whispered, and took Mamma’s hand in mine. “Mamma, open your
eyes,” I pleaded, never prepared for this moment, not believing this moment
could be real.
“Mamma, please,” I whispered, but she didn’t move. I sat, frozen, intently
watching her chest—it barely moved.
I shook my head. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready for her to leave. Axel was
gone. Austin couldn’t cope… I was too young. I couldn’t… I couldn’t.
But I knew this was it. I knew she was slipping away. My mamma was
leaving us for good…
I sucked in a deep breath, my chest feeling impossibly tight. “Levi, calm,”
Elsie’s high-pitched voice caused me to exhale, the pent up breath causing
my heart to hammer against my ribs. When I looked up at Elsie’s face, I
realized that I was crying. That tears were streaming down my face.
“I knew she was leaving me, Elsie. I saw it, I felt it.” A pained sound
ripped from my throat, and I added, “And I left her, because I was young
and naive and thought that if I left her, she might hang on… that it might
never happen. That I could pretend it wasn’t happening.”
“Levi—”
“She closed her eyes alone, Elsie.” I searched for my lost breath, only to
rasp, “She never woke up after that day. She died a week later. She died in
hospital. But when her eyes closed she was all alone. All she’d had for
comfort were these rosary beads, the rosary beads I can’t look at without
feeling the guilt and the shame of leaving her to fade away, alone. But the
rosary beads that I can’t let go. Because they were her; they are her to me.
She wanted me to have them. Me, the son that allowed her fade alone.”
 Elsie gripped her hands in mine and squeezed. Her physical strength was
nothing, but the emotional bravery that passed from her to me flowed
strongly. It was armor strong.
“Breathe,” Levi, she said, but I could see her breaking too. I watched this
little blonde silent girl, the one who didn’t talk because people told her she
sounded bad. She hadn’t yet told me her life story. And here I was, breaking
like a damn pussy, desperately in need of her support.
“Shh,” she soothed, then surprising me all to hell, climbed on my lap,
wrapping her arms around my neck. I was shocked into stillness, Elsie’s
cheeks heating as she laid her head on my shoulder.
Needing to feel her as close as possible, I wrapped my arms around her
waist and pulled her to my chest. I let her warmth seep in.
“How old were you, Levi?” Elsie asked. “When she passed.”
Gripping her tighter, I replied, “Fourteen.”
Elsie stiffened, then admitted, “Me too. I was fourteen when my mom left
me. I was fourteen and I was completely on my own. When they… when it
all became too much.”
I frowned, my sadness slowly fading. I wanted to know what she meant. I
wanted to know why she was homeless. I wanted to know how her mamma
died. I wanted to know how she’d ended up in Seattle. I wanted to know
who ‘they’ were. Hell, I wanted to know it all.
“She was deaf. Completely,” Elsie whispered, the volume of her voice
almost non-existent, like she didn’t know if she should be confessing.
My hold on her grew tighter.
“She was born deaf, to hearing parents. They never understood her. But
worse, they never helped her. They kept her hidden away, their dirty little
secret. Until they sent her out on her own trapped in her silent world.
Pushed into a world where people didn’t understand her.”
 “Elsie,” I whispered, not knowing what else to say.
“She fell pregnant with me—I don’t know my father. You see, my mom
got involved with people that weren’t good for her. They made her take
things that she wouldn’t ever shake.”
“Elsie—”
“But she loved me. Her half-hearing girl. The little girl she managed to get
at least some help for. To get a hearing aid for, so I could at least understand
some of what was happening the world,” Elsie’s voice hushed. “Sometimes
I wish I’d never been given the miracle of hearing. When you can hear, you
can hear what people say about you. You can hear their savage words. If
you listen hard enough, you can even hear your fragile heart tear apart.”
Needing to see her face, needing to show her that I was here, that I was
here for her, I pushed her back and our gazes collided.
Her bottom lip was trembling. “They never taught her to sign, Levi. She
could barely read lips. They gave her no tools to survive, so she had to
make them up.”
My muscles froze, waiting for what came next. I didn’t know what she had
to say would crush my soul. “So we had to make our own sign language.
We had a secret language all to ourselves. It was ours, our secret language
hidden in plain sight from the world that didn’t want us. That had no place
for us—at least that’s what she’d tell me. We at least had our own language.
We at least had that…” she trailed off. I was seeing Elsie in a completely
different light.
Because it was from the heart. She was confiding in me. I could tell by the
tremor and wariness in her voice that she just didn’t talk about this stuff.
Like me.
A flicker of a smile hit her face, and Elsie said, “My mom didn’t talk
much. She’d been told her entire life that her voice was horrible,
embarrassing for those in her company. She’d been laughed at and mocked
mercilessly until she would speak only to me. Even then it was rare. But she
often told me she loved me. Even through the drugs that dominated her life,
she often told me she loved me.”
Elsie’s arms dropped from my neck and she rose from my lap. I
immediately felt the loss of not having her close, but the thought faded
when I watched her walk toward my mamma’s statue, the one displaying
the broken version of her life.
The guilt I always felt began to rise. When Elsie kneeled down and
pressed her palm to my mamma’s marble cheek, I felt something unfamiliar
ignite inside.
“She couldn’t tell me she loved me,” Elsie suddenly explained, talking
about her mamma, “but she could show me. In our own way, she did.”
I was transfixed as a blush crept up Elsie’s chest and neck, to land on her
cheeks. Her blue eyes turned to the sculpture and holding her breath, she
leaned in, pressing her forehead to Mamma’s.
“Just like this,” she explained. “My mom would put her hand on my
cheek, I would put my hand on hers, and our foreheads would touch. That
was my mom telling me she loved me. It was how I told her I loved her
back.”
I watched Elsie’s eyes close and a distant smile tug at her lips. Then she
drew back, sitting down on her heels, her hands on her thighs. She looked
as if she were in prayer. Elsie sat this way for a few minutes, gathering
herself.
Her hand drifted to the locket on her neck and she held it in her clenched
fist.
When a bolt of lightning grounded outside the warehouse, eschewing the
darkness, Elsie’s eyelids fluttered open. She rose to her feet and walked
over to me. Bending down, Elsie tilted her head to the side and regarded
me.
I waited, waited for her to speak, when she finally said, “What a blessing.”
My eyebrows pulled down in confusion. After everything I’d told her, I
couldn’t see how I was blessed. She must have seen it on my face, because
she said, “Your mom died, but your brother created for you a blessing. You
get to visit her whenever you want.” Her eyes drifted to the statue and she
sighed. Her face paled and pain shattered her pretty smile. “I wasn’t with
my mom when she died. Nobody was.” On hearing these words, pain griped
in my stomach.
Elsie’s finger pointed to the locket. “All I have left of my mom is this
small picture, inside of my locket. There’s nothing else. No photo albums
for me to remember her by,” she pointed at the sculpture of my mamma,
“no sculpture for me to smile at every day. To hold her cheek and press my
forehead to… to show her our ‘I love you’.” Her eyes met mine. “It’s a
blessing, Levi. A true blessing to have this in your life.”
I would have argued that it was this sweet blonde who was the blessing.
My blessing that was stitching together the hole in my heart, healing the
hole that I’d carried at its center for too many years.
Elsie kept watching me, until I inched forward, taking her by surprise.
Pushing a loose strand of hair back that had fallen over her eyes, I said, “I’d
really like to kiss you right now.”
Elsie turned her face toward my hand that still remained on the side of her
face. Her cheek nuzzled my palm, and she whispered, “I’d really like that
too.”
I fought a smile. Before I allowed it to form, I pressed forward and took
Elsie’s mouth with my own. This time there were no nerves. We’d smashed
through those barriers tonight. She’d spoken. I’d shown her this place.
She’d started to open up about her past. Our walls were coming down.
Elsie’s hands threaded through my hair, just as another crash of thunder
sounded up above. It was quieter this time, the storm beginning to pass.
Wrapping my hands around her waist, I pulled her on my lap, Elsie’s
surprised cry separating our kiss.
Elsie’s gaze was locked on mine, and swore I heard her heart racing as fast
as mine. Nothing was said. I couldn’t think. I needed to have her lips back
on mine. I needed it so bad.
I smoothed my lips back over Elsie’s, a soft sigh sounding in her chest.
Taking a chance, I tentatively pushed my tongue inside her mouth, Elsie’s
shy tongue, sliding softly against mine. As every minute passed, I felt more
and more at ease. And as every minute passed, I felt myself letting her in.
She was becoming my girl.
Elsie shifted, and our mouths broke apart. Elsie’s head fell against mine, as
our breathing came hard.
“Elsie,” I whispered tightly.
Elsie’s eyes momentarily closed. When they opened, she pressed her
fingertips over my lips, and confessed, “I really like your accent.” I stilled,
surprised by her words and the feel of her fingers on my lips. She smiled. “I
love the way you say my name. It’s probably the best thing I’ve heard since
I could hear.”
I stared, dumbfounded, until my cheek twitched, and I laughed. She’d
made me laugh.
I hadn’t laughed in years.
Elsie laughed too, her high-pitched tone sounding so cute to my ears. My
laughing eventually stopped as I strived to hear more. Then Elsie forced
herself to stop—rapidly.
 It was instantaneous, like the flick of a switch. The freedom with which
she laughed vanished and just as quickly morphed into fear. I could see it
written on her face, the fear. No, the terror, so clear in her expression as I
listened to her laugh freely.
Elsie’s head fell forward and she tried to shuffle off my lap. I tightened my
arms around her back and kept her in place.
“Don’t,” she sniffed, her pretty voice broken into pieces.
“No,” I said. “I wasn’t judging you, Elsie. Hell,” I sighed in frustration, “I
was adoring you. Your laugh. How you make me feel. I was thinking real
clear about the fact you were my girl. Damn prideful thinking how you
were my beautiful, silent pretty girl.”
Elsie’s breathing hitched. She then breathed in and out eight times until
she raised her head—I counted. Tears were tracking down her face, but she
ignored the dampness on her skin to question, “Your… g-girl?” she asked, a
nervous stutter in her voice.
“Yeah,” I rasped, feeling a weight in my stomach at the horror that she
might just say no.
“Your girl?” she repeated. I sighed.
“My girl.”
I loosened my hold on her back, assuming she was saying no, that she
didn’t want me like that, when she pressed her hand over her heart and
nodded her head.
My blood heated and rushed through me, knowing exactly what that
gesture meant. She was in this too. She was saying ‘yes’, yes to being my
girl.
I kissed her again, but as the rain pelted harder on the roof of the
warehouse, I pulled back to suggest, “We’d better get home.”
 Elsie nodded her head and rose from my lap. I jumped to my feet, and
quickly covered the sculptures with their sheets. Taking Elsie’s hand, I led
her to the door and we made our way home.
By the time we got back, the place was in darkness. The whole drive home
I kept hold of Elsie’s hand. Even now, as I walked her to the kitchen door in
the backyard, I didn’t want to let her go.
Elsie turned to me and I leaned down to press a kiss to the tip of her nose.
I couldn’t resist, not when she was looking this cute. Pulling back, I
shuffled my feet, and said, “Thanks for coming with me today.”
Elsie shook her head. “No. Thank you for taking me. It was… I’ve never
had a day like this in my life.”
Contentment surged through me and I stared down at our joined hands. “I
don’t wanna let you go,” I rasped, feeling the usual blush spread across my
face.
Elsie sighed. “Neither do I.”
I smiled, looking up with my head still lowered. Moving forward she
kissed me, then backed away, releasing my hand. As she opened the door, I
glanced up to her bedroom window. I smiled, noticing the homemade
lightning bug jar still shining through the open curtains.
Seeing Elsie follow what had caught my attention, I pointed up and
explained, “I look at that light every time I walk past your window. It tells
me you’re there, up in your room. Safe.”
Elsie stared at the neon glow. “I refill it every night, just as you showed
me. It helps me sleep. It keeps the nightmares at bay.”
“Then I’m real glad I showed you it,” I replied, and began to step back. I
pointed to the pool house, and said, “I better get back. I’ll see you in safe.”
Elsie disappeared through the door to the main house. I walked back to the
pool house feeling a huge sense of loss. I wanted her by my side. I wanted
her to talk more. I just wanted to spend all of my time with Elsie, period.
After years alone, it felt nice to have another by my side.
I opened my door, and left the curtains open. Elsie’s jar was visible from
my bed. After brushing my teeth and changing into my sleep sweats, I
climbed into bed, immediately searching for the jar’s glow… which had
disappeared.
I sat bolt upright in bed, frowning at where the hell it’d gone. Then I
spotted the light making its way through the backyard. My heart beat faster
as the light neared my door. Elsie slipped through. Shutting the door behind
her, she held the little mason jar of light in her hands.
Her face flushed when her eyes landed on my bare torso. “What are you
doing here?” I asked.
Cautiously, Elsie stepped forward, then again, to explain, “I didn’t want to
be alone in my room when you were down here.” She edged closer, but
stopped at the foot of the bed. The expression on her face had become
serious. “I didn’t feel comfortable up there on my own. I wanted to be near
you. But I didn’t… I haven’t… I don’t know if I can…”
I sighed, knowing what she was getting at. I held up my hands. “It’s
alright, Elsie. I ain’t expecting that... from you.”
Elsie’s shoulders relaxed. She walked to the other side of my bed. She
carefully placed the mason jar on the side table and sat down. Kicking off
her shoes, she lay down, and turned to face me.
I lay on my pillow, facing her right back.
It felt strange having her in my bed, yet it was so welcomed. Elsie smiled
shyly when I reached out to run my hand down her face. Elsie caught my
hand and brought it to her chest. She had changed into her pajamas, and she
looked so cute lying in front of me, right here, right now, just like this.
 “Let’s sleep,” I said, and I turned off the lamp on my side of the bed.
Elsie’s jar of course gave off its dull glow. I moved to face her once again.
I waited for Elsie to close her eyes and try to sleep. Instead, she whispered,
“Yellow stars on the ceiling.”
“What?” I queried, not sure if I’d heard her correctly.
Elsie shifted on the bed, inching closer along her pillow and repeated,
“The yellow stars on the ceiling that shine in the night.” She rolled on to her
back and pointed at my ceiling. “One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever
seen, glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling.”
I wriggled closer until I could wrap my arm around her waist. Elsie’s blue
eyes were shining in the glow of the light. She tilted her face to me. “We
mostly lived on the street, but occasionally we would have a home.
Sometimes my mom would gather enough money to rent a room for us
somewhere, other times the men she…” Elsie’s expression fell. I held her
tighter. She gripped my hand. “Sometimes… her men would give us
somewhere to stay, to be safe.” A teardrop fell from her eyes, then she
continued. “I never used to get anything for my birthday. Most years my
mom would forget. But one year, we had a roof over our heads.” Elsie
sighed. “I must have been about eight or nine. I came home and my mom
had a small cake—it was round with pink frosting. My name was written
across the top. I knew she had made it, or had at least written my name,
because the pink writing was barely legible. My mom hadn’t had much of
an education, but she’d written my name… for me. She tried, had pushed
through her embarrassment… for me.”
My chest felt hollow as I imagined a young, poor Elsie, caring for her deaf
drug-addicted mom. She smiled timidly, and I simply melted.
“She made me blow out a single candle, and then made me lie on the bed.
I did as she asked, then she turned off the light. Resting in her arms, I
looked up to see our shabby ceiling adorned with neon stars.” Elsie sniffed.
“It was the one of the only birthday presents I have ever received.” She
rolled on her side, her forehead almost touching mine. A stray tear traveled
over her nose and splashed on to the mattress.
“Those little plastic stars are beautiful to me, because they represent one of
the few happy moments in my life.” I waited for her to say more, but her
eyes glazed over. “Yellow and bright, they shine in the night. Glittering
stars, I stare for hours. In the dark, dark room they are all I can see, a kiss
on my cheek, happy birthday, Elsie.” Elsie seemed to close in on herself,
then she explained, “It was the first poem I ever wrote.” She laughed. “It
was terrible. I was only a kid, I guess, but when I showed it to my mom, she
cried. She said she would treasure it, always. So I didn’t stop writing. My
poems made my mom happy.” Elsie tried to turn her face away from mine,
but I placed my hand under her chin, wanting her to see me.
“I get it,” I hushed out. I meant every word. “Your plastic neon stars were
my lightning bug jars.”
Elsie wiped her face, then ran her hand around my eye. “Your eyes,” she
said, “they remind me of the moon. In the day they look so light; they
resemble an overcast sky. They look so pretty against your olive skin. But at
night, like now, they look silvery… like the moon.”
My hands clenched. Elsie noticed. I cleared my throat. “My mamma called
me ‘mia luna’, her moon. I never knew why, but I did wonder if it was
because of my eyes.”
Elsie smiled. She nervously recited, “My mom brought me the stars. Levi
Carillo, you bring me the moon.”
I held my breath, then whispered back, “Then you bring me the shine.”
Elsie closed the inch gap between us and pressed her lips to mine. The kiss
was soft and quick, but it meant more than ever before. She was in my bed.
My girl, in my bed. Being ourselves. No hiding. No shying away.
Elsie snuggled into my bare chest, her warm breath caressing my skin. I
closed my eyes, feeling sleep beginning to move in, when I asked, “When is
your birthday?”
Elsie stiffened, but confided, “In a week. I’ll be nineteen on the twelfth.”
A week, I thought. But I kept it to myself. I had a game that day, but I had
the whole night after. I wanted to give Elsie a second birthday to remember.
She deserved it. She deserved to have it all.
I wanted to provide memories she would never forget, like the stars.
After all, I was sure she already had my heart.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Eleven

Elsie

Happy birthday, Elsie!

I didn’t wake you before I left—you looked too peaceful. Thank you for
coming to the game. I’ll play better knowing you’re in the stands watching.
My family are coming too. I know you’re nervous about meeting them all,
but there’s no need. No one will judge, you. They’re my family. You can
speak to them without fear. They know what you mean to me. They’ll keep
you safe.
Be brave. Don’t hide your voice… it’s too pretty to not be heard.
Levi xx

As I sat on Levi’s bed, I fidgeted my hands on my lap. His letter was lying
on the bed. I was counting down the five minutes until I had to be in the
kitchen with all of Levi’s family. I had met Lexi, of course. I had seen
Austin; he was polite enough, though I’d never uttered one word to him. He
looked different to Levi. He was darker, and covered in tattoos and scars.
Quite frankly, he intimidated me. But Axel, the sculptor, and Ally, his
fiancée, had been away these past couple of weeks in New York. He had
business there with a museum, and apparently they had also been
celebrating their engagement with her parents.
But they were coming today, along with Austin’s best friend and wife.
Today was game day for Levi. It just so happened that it was my birthday
too. And he wanted me at this game. He wanted me to watch him play. I
hadn’t wanted to. I didn’t like crowds, or even being around people, but
Levi had wanted it bad: I saw it in his eyes, I saw it in his flushed cheeks.
I had kept myself to myself since coming this house. I had stayed close to
Levi. I had stayed in my room or, as of this week, Levi’s room. I read
during the day, anything I could find, until Levi got home, when I would sit
with him. Perfectly content. We would eat in his room while I rested. And
we would talk, just the two of us in our own little world.
Until today.
Until now.
I really wanted to watch Levi play. I wanted to see him away from his
studies, doing what he loved. I wanted to see the passion I knew he had for
football played out on his home field.
But I had to overcome my fears first. I had to talk. Without realizing, I had
unclasped the cuffs on my wrists. I was skimming over the scars on my
wrists, feeling the still ridged marks. The two cuffed bracelets I always
wore hid my shame. They hid the weakest moment in my life, from Levi.
From the world.
Dumbfuck. Shut your mouth, never speak. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever
heard.
Ice ran down my spine as the mocking sound of their laughter echoed
louder in my head. The nasty feel of their words biting like a bullet into my
heart; the laughing, the unfunny impressions, the sheer loneliness of being
an outcast, of not being accepted—because of something I was born with—
something that was beyond my control.
My hands froze, locked in fear. Today I would meet people my age. Today
I would see girls like those girls. The ones that caused me to…
A knock sounded loudly on the pool house door, making me jump out of
my skin. I quickly refastened my cuffs over my wrists. The door opened as I
tried to calm my racing heart, and Lexi walked in. She was stunning;
wearing jeans and black padded jacket, and her black hair down to her
shoulders.
“Hey sweetie,” she chimed, and strode toward the bed. “You ready?”
I nodded my head, timidity holding my voice at bay. I saw Lexi’s
shoulders drop when I didn’t reply. I knew it was because I hadn’t spoken.
Levi had told her that I’d been speaking to him. She’d told me, on more
than one occasion, she would never judge me. That she knew what it was
like to keep a part of yourself hidden from the world. I didn’t know what
she was specifically referring to, but still I believed her. I could see the
genuineness in her expression.
As we walked out of the pool house toward the main house, I pictured
Levi’s face last night, as he told me to trust his family, urging me not to
hide, but to be brave in their company.
Without thinking, I lurched forward and grabbed hold of Lexi’s arm. Lexi
spun on her heels, concern immediately evident on her face. I dropped my
head, suddenly overcome by nervousness, when she asked, “Elsie? Are you
okay?”
I took a deep breath, forcing myself to push past the barrier in my throat.
“I…” I swallowed, wetting my dry throat, and continued. “I just wanted to
say ‘thank you’… for everything... I…” I trailed off, overwhelmed by
emotion.
I kept my head down, wincing about how I knew I sounded, when I
suddenly found myself in Lexi’s arms. “You ain’t got nothing to be grateful
to me for, Elsie,” Lexi whispered in my right ear, her voice thick with
emotion. “Plus, as far as I can tell, it should be you I’m thanking.” She held
me just a fraction tighter than before. “You’ve brought Levi to life since we
took you in.” She pulled back and bent down to meet my gaze. “He’s been
smiling, sweetie. Smiling. He ain’t had much cause to smile these past few
years. And hell, we haven’t been able to help. But you…”
I tucked a strand of my hair back, as Lexi added, “Everyone is in the
kitchen. You okay with meeting them all? They’re all mighty excited to see
the girl who has captured our shy boy’s heart.”
I breathed in, looking over Lexi’s shoulder at the people milling about the
kitchen and nodded my head. Lexi wrapped her arm around my shoulders,
and guided me forward.
The second we entered the kitchen, I felt all eyes on me. Nothing
happened, until Lexi introduced me. “This is Elsie, y’all. Levi’s girlfriend.”
My nervousness was squashed the moment Lexi announced me as Levi’s
girlfriend. We hadn’t said those words—boyfriend and girlfriend—to one
another. Hadn’t had that conversation yet. We had just been… us. We
kissed, we talked, we understood each other, never pushing the other too
far. But beyond that, I didn’t know. I didn’t know what I was meant to do
when I got better. I didn’t know what would become of my life, what would
become of us. What would become of me.
I didn’t know how long I could stay.
“Elsie!” a thick Alabama accent took me from my worry, and I looked to
my right to see a beautiful dark haired, dark eyed woman charging toward
me. I stared, actually stared, at how beautiful she was, before I was swept
up in her arms and squeezed hard. She quickly let me go, and I was met
with her infectious bright smile.
“I’m Ally, darlin’, Levi’s future sister-in-law.”
I nodded my head and smiled, seeing a heavily tattooed man following
behind, flicking his chin and holding up his hand. A sense of unease washed
through me, but immediately departed when he wrapped his arm around
Ally’s waist. Ally gripped the man’s hand, now positioned over her
stomach, and said, “This is Axel, Levi and Austin’s older brother and my
fiancé,” she proudly announced.
“Hey,” Axel said, when his face immediately brought a flash of memory to
mind. He was the man in the sculpture—making Levi shoot a gun. He was
the man hovering behind him like the devil.
I swallowed and averted my eyes, only to see a pretty brunette with dark
curly hair and glasses, and a handsome man with longish blond hair,
holding a baby in his arms. “Hey, I’m Molly,” the pretty brunette said in
what I thought sounded like a British accent. She pointed at the man behind
her. “This is my husband, Rome.”
I rocked on my feet as they all watched me, when Austin walked in
holding baby Dante in his arms. “Hey Elsie,” he said casually, and reached
for his car keys.
Pushing myself to reply, I quietly said, “Hi.”
Austin froze, his dark eyes landing on me. In fact, they all looked directly
at me. Fear of their rejection left me paralyzed, until Austin shook the keys
and said, “We have to go or we’ll be late.”
Within seconds, everyone was moving out. Nothing had been said about
my voice, they were all probably getting over their initial shock.
Ally’s arm linked through mine and she led me forward. I caught Lexi’s
eye as I passed and she smiled at me, proudly. I found myself awash with
warmth by this family’s acceptance of me. Bowled over. I felt the ever-tight
clogging of my throat loosen, believing I had no reason to be afraid.
Ally led me out to a waiting car. I listened to her talk. Listened to her
lyrical southern voice. On occasion I even answered with a simple ‘yes’ or
‘no’ reply.
It was four times.
I managed to reply four times.
 *****

I felt as if we were shaking as we sat in the box at the Husky Stadium, tens
of thousands of football fans stamping their feet, roaring with excitement,
waiting for the team to run out. The sound was deafening to me, too loud,
my heart frantic in its rhythm. I’d never heard anything like it. I’d never
seen so many people congregated in one place.
I gripped the arm of my seat, when another loud roar from the crowd
caused me to flinch. I lifted my hand to my right ear, protecting it from the
sound. Suddenly, everyone in our box got to their feet, blocking my view of
the field. I stayed down, covering my ear, until I felt someone’s eyes on me.
When I glanced to the side, Axel was watching me. His dark eyebrows
were pulled down, then he suddenly walked to the door that led to a balcony
outside. It had been open. Axel closed it, reducing the sound to a point
where I could bear it. Axel walked back to his seat without a word. I saw
the understanding dawn on everyone’s faces when I joined them on my feet,
just in time to see Levi run onto the field.
The large screen at the end zone showcased his beautiful face. My
stomach twisted at seeing him on the field. I felt a blush coat my cheeks as I
saw him look up to the box in which we were sitting. Watched, as he lifted
his hand to indicate ‘hello’.
As I fought back my smile at the rush of blood to my head, I found Axel
and said, “Thank you.”
Axel’s stern expression never moved, but he swapped seats with his
fiancée beside him and said, “He’s been telling me all fucking week how
you were gonna be at this game watching him play. It was only right that
y’all could watch it.”
 The music outside abruptly died down, and I caught the faint blowing of a
whistle. My eyes were drawn to the field and I saw the two teams rush
forward. Almost immediately, I sought out Levi’s jersey, ‘Number 84’. My
pulse raced as Levi received the ball, and I found myself reaching out,
grabbing tight hold of Lexi’s arm.
“Get used to it, sweetie,” I caught Lexi say. “Our boy’s heading straight to
the NFL.” She pointed to the packed stadium. “This is just the beginning.”
Two feelings collided within me as Lexi spoke these words. One was an
immense sense of the pride that Levi could achieve such glory in the sport
he loved. But the other came from the dread that I would feel at the
limelight he would be in. I didn’t know what would become of Levi and I.
But I knew I couldn’t have this, and more, as my life. I wouldn’t be able to
cope. I just…
“Go on, baby bro!” I heard Austin shout and my eyes snapped back to the
field. Levi was sprinting down the length of the field holding the ball, his
incredible speed too much for the others chasing behind. Axel leaned
forward as his younger brother ran into the end zone, spiking the ball on the
ground. The crowd, and his family, went wild. I covered my ear, the
incredible sound too piercing. Despite the too-loud sound, I moved to the
floor-length glass and pressed my free hand on the windowpane.
I watched, in awe, as this shy boy who was stealing my heart, kept his
head down as his teammates jumped on him in congratulation. I watched as
he kept his head down as the crowd cheered his name. Then I watched,
heart melting, as he removed his helmet. His eyes met mine from way down
on the field and he pressed his hand over his heart, lowering his head. I
struggled to breathe as I shakily lifted my hand and mimicked the motion;
my action of thanks and his acknowledgment that I was here in the crowd.
He had set me apart from the tens of thousands of adoring fans.
 “Aww,” I heard someone say, and glanced to the side to see Molly with her
eyes on me. I blushed and bowed my head.
“Somehow I think he might get MVP today,” Austin said, and winked at
me when I looked to his smiling face. I blushed again, just as the whistle
sounded.
Three hours passed, and by the end, the Huskies had won. And, as
predicted by Austin, Levi was awarded MVP. If I thought the stadium had
been loud before, the sound of the crowd when the final whistle blew was
ear-shatteringly thunderous. Within minutes, the crowd began to disperse.
Servers brought food and drink into the private box, and everyone sat round
and waited.
Taking their lead, I sat down at the table sipping a coffee. I looked to
everyone in the room and felt a huge sense of loss cave in my chest. Levi,
he was lost and lonely, like me. But as I watched these people—his family
—who had all gathered for him today, to watch him achieve his dreams, I
wondered if he realized how truly lucky he was? They loved him. Each and
every one of these people adored him.
It only made me realize how truly alone I really was.
I took another sip of my coffee to push down the lump that was clawing up
my throat, when someone filled the chair beside me. A hand immediately
began tracing the top, a heavily tattooed hand that still wore the remains of
what looked like white dust—Axel.
I shuffled on my seat, nervous at being so close to this hard and dangerous
looking man. When his hand stopped, he said, “I don’t know what he’s told
you about his life, but it’s been a fucking tough one.” I froze, my hands
gripping the mug tightly. Axel softly cleared his throat. “I done wrong by
him, Elsie. I fucking made that kid, and he was a kid, do things that were
fucked up and wrong.” Even with my eighty percent hearing I could hear
the tone change in Axel’s voice, as he admitted his wrongs against Levi. I
thought of that sculpture of the boy being forced to shoot. I squeezed my
eyes shut.
“The final nail came when our Mamma died and I got sent away.” For the
first time, I glanced his way, the black tattooed cross on his left cheek
catching my attention. “I did five years, Elsie, and let’s just say that Levi
fucking suffered through them all. Fuck, the kid’s been suffering since he
was seven years old.”
My chest ached on hearing the pain in Axel’s voice, in imaging Levi being
lost all of those years. Placing the mug down, I linked my hands together.
Axel leaned forward, running his hands through his long dark hair.
“That kid brother of mine has the fucking purest heart I’ve ever known.
But he don’t speak much, he don’t do much of anything but keep to himself
and his studies and football.”
I kept my eyes down, until he added, “But he’s fucking changed all that
since he met you,” and my gaze crashed with his. “Don’t know you, Elsie, I
hope that changes. I get that you ain’t had it good too, and fuck, I’m real
sorry if your life has been anything like Lev’s. But I’m begging you one
fucking thing.”
I waited, on tenterhooks, for what he would say, when he whispered,
“Please don’t break his fucking heart. Seeing that kid so closed in, pained
me every damn day. I won’t see him destroyed by the first person he’s ever
let in.”
I thought I would cry at the plea in this intimidating man’s deep voice, but
I pushed it aside to lean in and reply, “I could never hurt him. I…” I shook
my head and lowered my eyes, “he means too much to me.”
“Good,” Axel rasped, then sat back in his seat.
 Seeing everyone was still talking amongst themselves, I forced myself to
say, “Your sculptures are beautiful. The angel,” I inhaled, thinking of how
to put its beauty into words, when Axel’s attention darted to me.
He coughed, then asked, “Lev showed you it?”
I nodded my head, hoping I hadn’t said something I shouldn’t have. I
knew I hadn’t when Axel’s eyes glossed over—it meant the world to him.
“He goes there a lot,” I explained, “to your warehouse. He’s… he’s afraid
he’ll forget her if he doesn’t.”
“Fuck,” Axel swore. “I swear that kid’s gonna kill me.” I smiled, when
suddenly, I heard Levi’s name being called from the back of the room.
Turning, I saw Levi walking in the door, Austin was the first to meet his
little brother. “Lev, fucking game, fratello,” he said and wrapped Levi in his
arms. Levi smiled, ducking his head, and I watched as, one by one, his
family congratulated him on his win. Axel’s embrace held just a second
longer than all the rest. I saw a flicker of confusion mar Levi’s face,
questioning why, but it passed the moment he saw me at the back of the
room.
Dropping his bag to the floor, Levi quickly made his way to me, a soft
smile pulling on his lips the closer he got. My legs felt like Jell-O as he
approached, but I stood my ground, the beautiful expression on his face
making it impossible for me to do anything else.
Levi stopped before me, looking more than handsome in his team suit and
tie. His fair hair was damp from his shower, and he had two scratches on his
face from where he must have been hit during the game.
I rubbed my lips together, waiting for what he would do, when his warm
palm cupped my cheek and he said softly, “Happy birthday, Elsie.”
I turned my cheek into his warm palm, and replied, “Thank you.”
“It’s her birthday?” I heard, whispered from behind.
 “Lev said she didn’t want anyone to know,” someone whispered back, but
I didn’t pay it any mind, I was transfixed on Levi whose lips were closing in
on mine. As always, my heart beat like a drum, until his soft mouth was on
mine and I thought it might explode.
I closed my eyes, breathless at his kiss, when he pulled back and smiled.
“You ready to go out?” he asked, and I frowned in confusion. “For your
birthday,” he added. I immediately felt dread at what we would be doing,
with who and where. I didn’t think anything was planned.
Levi inched closer and assured, “Just you and me. Nowhere you’ll hate.
Nowhere to make you nervous.” He shyly looked around the room, then
back to me. “Trust me. I’ve got you.”
Relief extinguished my nerves, and I looked up at Levi’s worried face
through my lashes. “You want to take me out, for my birthday?” I asked,
making sure I had this right. He slowly nodded his head and I rocked on my
feet. “No one has ever taken me out for my birthday.”
Levi swallowed. I could see sympathy in his face, but more than that, I
could see that he wanted this. That he desperately wanted to do this for me.
“Yeah.”
“Okay,” I whispered, excitement building in my stomach.
“Yeah?” Levi questioned.
“Yeah.” I smiled.
Reaching down, Levi took my hand in his and we turned to his family.
Levi’s hand tightened in mine when they were all watching us.
As if seeing our discomfort, Austin said, “Right, guys, think that’s our call
to leave.”
We all piled out of the box, Levi keeping hold of my hand, only releasing
me once to quickly speak to Austin. Each of Levi’s family hugged us
goodbye and we headed for the Jeep.
 We had just reached the door, when a voice shouted from behind.
“Alabama! Wait up!”
“Shit,” Levi swore under his breath. I frowned, confused at what had him
so annoyed. I followed Levi’s eyes to two boys around his age who were
jogging toward us, a blond girl and a red-haired girl closely in tow.
Levi came close to me, throwing his arm around my shoulders pulling me
close. I saw the surprise on the boys’ faces as he did.
“Alabama,” the blond one in the front said, then looked to me. “You’ve
been keeping this quiet. What the hell? You got a girl and you didn’t say?”
Levi shrugged, then said, “Elsie, this is Jake. Ashton is the dark haired one
behind.” Jake and Ashton threw their hands up in a wave. I gave them a
small smile.
The two girls arrived to stand beside the boys, and as the red-haired girl’s
eyes fell upon me, I felt Levi pull me in just that little bit tighter. In an
instant I understood why, because once her eyes had inspected me, they
landed on Levi, and not once did they leave him after that. Jake, the blonde,
tipped his head in the light haired girl’s direction and said, “This is my
girlfriend, Stacey.” He turned to his girlfriend. “Stace, this is Elsie,
Alabama’s chick.”
“I didn’t know you had a girlfriend, Levi,” Stacey said.
Levi’s hold froze, but then relaxed when he said, “Yeah. I do.”
A lightness filled my heart as he told them, proudly, that I belonged to
him. His girlfriend.
His.
“I’m Harper,” the redhead said, and held out her hand for me to shake. I
glanced to Levi, but then offered my hand when he nodded that she was
okay. With her hand still in mine, she asked, “What was your name again?”
 She waited for my response, but my throat had lost all its use; no words
came out. I pulled back my hand, panic and anxiety like poison in my veins.
She was too like those girls, looked too much like Annabelle.
“Elsie,” Levi said, rescuing me from drowning. “Her name is Elsie.”
I turned to Levi. Seeing a crooked calming smile on his lips. I melted into
his chest, inhaling deep, filling my nose with his spiced scent. Levi pressed
a kiss to the top of my head, and I knew what that simple kiss meant: he had
me.
“So you coming to the dinner in two weeks, Elsie?” Ashton asked.
Keeping my cheek pressed against Levi’s chest, I shrugged. Ashton
nodded, but I could see questions written all over his face.
Jake laughed. “Seems like you’ve found a chick that likes to talk about as
much as you, eighty-four. She’s perfect for you.”
My heart plummeted, feeling like I was embarrassing Levi, when he said,
“She talks plenty, man, she’s just shy meeting new people, that’s all.” I
heard Levi’s heartbeat increase, my right ear at his pec, then he added, “But
yeah, she’s pretty perfect for me, you got that part right.”
Levi nodded, then exhaled a deep breath. “We gotta go, guys. I’m taking
my girl out.”
Jake stepped back, but asked, “It’s probably a no, but we’re having a party
tonight and…” Jake trailed off. Levi laughed.
“Nah, man. But thanks. Catch you next week.”
Levi immediately opened the Jeep’s passenger side door and I stepped
inside. Before he moved to the driver’s side, he leaned in to press a gentle
kiss to my lips. As he pulled back, I gave him a questioning look. That
familiar redness coated his cheeks, and he said, “Just like calling you my
girl, that’s all. It sounded real good on my lips.”
 Levi was in the driver’s seat before I even realized he’d moved. Truth was,
I liked him calling me my girl too. I liked that I was his.
Levi’s girl.

*****

Levi took us to a restaurant on the waterfront. It was a small Italian, very

secluded and private. He held my hand as the server led us to an outside
table overlooking the Puget Sound. There were heaters at the top of the
table making it comfortable to sit out in the dry night air.
We had barely sat down when a man came out smiling, aiming directly for
Levi. “Ciao, come stai, Levi?” the man said, obviously speaking Italian.
My heart stopped. No, almost burst when Levi stood looking handsome in
his team suit and shook his hand.
“Bene, Carlo, et tu?”
My mouth fell open as I listened to Levi talk in fluent Italian with the
manager, his soft shy voice bold and colorful as his tongue wrapped around
the consonants and vowels.
The man must have asked something about me, as Levi smiled down at
me, nodding his head. “Si,” he replied, his head lowering in timidity. “Lei é
la mia ragazza.”
The man tapped Levi on his arm, and replied, “Ah, é bella.”
This time, when Levi looked up at me through his fallen strands of hair,
something inside of me set on fire. I stared, waiting desperately for him to
respond, just to hear that beautiful language, when he rasped, “Si, Carlo.
Bella mia.”
Levi sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, and I couldn’t help but blush.
Carlo moved toward me, taking my hand. He pressed a kiss to the back of
my hand and said, “Buon appetito.”
I nodded my head in thanks, as Carlo walked off and left us alone. Levi sat
down, but he didn’t lift his head. I reached across the table to take his hand
resting on the top. Levi inhaled deeply and met my eyes.
I shook my head. “You speak Italian?”
A shadow seemed to pass across Levi’s eyes and he nodded his head.
“Yeah,” was all he said. I squeezed his hand letting him know I wanted
more, when he ran his free hand down his face. “My mamma was Italian,
from Florence. She moved here to be with my pop.” He glanced up then
back down and added, “She only really spoke to us in Italian. Austin brings
us here a lot. That’s how we know the manager.”
I didn’t realize how hard I was gripping Levi’s hand until my fingers
began to ache. Pulling myself closer to the table, I brought our joined hands
to my face and ran his hand down my cheek, only to land on my lips so I
could press a kiss to his warm skin. Levi watched my every movement. He
swallowed as I stayed quiet. But I said everything I needed to say with that
kiss—I understood.
“So,” Levi rasped, emotion thick in his voice, “What did y’all think of the
game?”
I shook my head looking out onto the full moon reflecting off the water.
“It was surreal,” I replied, the water rippling in the gentle wind. I looked
back to Levi and continued. “It was so full of people, people chanting your
name, and watching you like you were a God.”
Levi’s expression was guarded as I spoke. He looked out over the water
too, but he ran his thumb over the back of my hand and asked, “Is it…
could it be something you could get used to?”
His thumb paused on my hand, awaiting my answer. I shrugged. “I’m,” I
stopped and shook my head. “I’m not sure I could be around it all the time.”
I lifted my hand to my right ear. “The sounds were deafening.” I huffed a
laugh at the irony in that statement, but said, “There were so many people
there. I’ve never seen so many people in one place before.” I inhaled. “It
was overwhelming.”
Levi didn’t say much in response, but he appeared hurt and my heart
cracked. I never wanted him to be hurt, but that situation, for me, seemed
unbearable.
The server approached at that moment, and Levi ordered our food. We ate
the meal mostly in silence, until an hour later, Levi paid the check and rose
to his feet. Sighing, he held out his hand. I stared at his offered hand,
worried he was still disappointed in me. Levi pushed it farther in my
direction and I couldn’t help but slip my palm against his. He clasped it
tightly as I got to my feet. His free hand immediately threaded into my hair
and he pulled me closer. I looked up at his bright eyes, the gray seeming
silver in the moonshine, then he pressed his lips to mine, taking possession
of my mouth.
I moaned as his tongue pushed against mine. Releasing my hand, he now
placed both hands in my hair, his hard chest brushing against my breasts.
Shivers speared down my spine when Levi groaned low. He inched in as
close as he could get, so close that I felt his hardness pushing against me.
Heat swirled in my stomach and traveled lower to my core.
When Levi groaned again, I pulled back, gasping for breath. My palms
were flat on Levi’s chest. I could feel his heart racing, and when I looked
into his eyes, they were leaden with lust and lit with fire.
Levi closed his eyes and dropped his forehead to mine. He inhaled and
exhaled in deep and steady breaths, until he said, “We need to leave.”
My stomach flipped, wondering what he meant, when he explained, “I
have one more thing I need you to see.”
 Needing a minute too, I let my hands slip to his wrists and said, “Okay.”
Though we didn’t move. We stayed under the full moon, next to the water,
completely silent, but holding tight. Like the bright moon above, I knew we
had just transitioned into a new phase. I hadn’t ever been there with a boy
before. I had never been touched before Levi. And if I was right, this shy
boy with a heart of gold, hadn’t been with anyone either.
My blood rushed through my body when I realized that I wanted him. I
wanted to give him, me. I wanted to give myself to him in every way I
could. My cheeks blazed as I searched for words that could give my desire
life, but there was none. I would never know how to say I wanted him,
fully. I just didn’t have the words.
“Elsie,” Levi’s rough and strained voice called my name, and I looked up
at him through my lashes. His hands on my cheeks tightened as I stared up
at him, knowing there was hunger in my eyes, but he said, “We really need
to get going. I want—” He stopped himself from finishing the sentence, and
moved back, joining our hands and leading us from the dock, through the
restaurant to the street.
I was desperate to know what he was going to say.
Releasing my hand to put his arm over my shoulders, he pulled me close
and led me toward a cluster of bars up ahead. The further we got, the more
people milled about; Saturday night was getting busier the darker it became.
We turned down a small alley, and arrived at a small coffee house. It
wasn’t one of the big chains that littered the streets of Seattle, but a small
independent house, filled with plush sofas and rich colors.
Levi guided us through it, most of the sofas occupied but for a two-seater
red one beside the fire. We claimed the sofa and sat down, a server
immediately coming over to take our order. When the server left us, I let my
gaze rove over the room. There were people of all ages, dressed in all kinds
of ways. People were sitting alone, in couples or in groups, all their chairs
facing the stage. A single microphone stood on the stage, red velvet curtains
dressing the backdrop.
Confused, I turned to Levi to see him watching me. His suit jacket was
lying over the back of the sofa, his tie stuffed in the pocket. The top two
buttons of his shirt were open as he sat back, his eyes on me.
I pointed around the room, and shrugged my shoulders in question. Levi
moved to the front of the sofa, and said, “I found out about this woman and
wanted you to hear her.”
His answer hadn’t made anything else clearer. The server dropped off our
coffees and walked away. Levi pointed at the stage and said, “For the first
hour it’s open mic. People can read their own things. Then Sarah Carol
comes on, reading her works.”
My pulse raced as I realized what this place was, what we were about to
watch. Then a woman wandered forward to the mic, holding a booklet in
her hand. She tapped the mic to make sure it was on. A high-pitched ringing
screeched from the speakers causing me to wince. The minute it died down,
I was captivated by the setting.
The woman opened her book, and began to read her words. “Love like a
noose, a poisonous kiss…” I listened intently to every word, the woman
baring her soul for the world to hear.
As she finished, the crowd clapped and a man took the stage. And so it
went on; people, one after the other, taking to the stage, sharing their
poems. Some were funny, some were serious, some were so heartbreaking
that tears fell down my cheeks.
Levi sat silently beside me, his hand on my leg as I stayed completely
glued to every sentence bravely spoken aloud. When the final person left
the stage, the server refreshed our coffees, and I turned to Levi. He was
watching me closely. “They can just get up and read their words?”
“Yeah,” he said and stroked back the hair from my eyes. “It’s a poetry
club, they have readings most nights, but Saturdays are for bigger poets,
people who have published books, that tour the country.”
My eyes widened and I said, “It’s Saturday. Are we going to see
someone?”
Levi nodded. “Yeah, but I wanted you to see the open mic first. I wanted
to show you that people share their poems. That there are places to do it, if
you ever wanted to.” He smiled, and shook his head. “I’ve only heard some
of your poems, Elsie, but you’re better than most of those we’ve just
heard.”
A heady warmth and joy sprinkled over me at Levi’s praise, only to be
replaced with complete and utter fear. I shook my head. Glimpsing the stage
in my peripheral vision, I turned to stare at the lonely microphone that sat
center stage, under the glare of a spotlight.
“I couldn’t,” I whispered, frozen with fear merely at the thought of
opening my mouth for people to hear my voice.
Never mind my poems, which also caused me anxiety at sharing my
words. But the thought of people hearing my voice, at opening myself up to
that kind of ridicule, to hear their cutting words, their laughter and
wickedness…
“Shh,” Levi soothed, pulling me back to lie against the couch. He cradled
my head against his chest. I wrapped my arm around his waist and forced
myself to calm down.
Levi ran his fingers through my hair, and said, “You don’t gotta do
anything you don’t want. I just wanted to show you this place.” He
swallowed hard and said, “It’s your passion from what I can tell. I wanted
to show you that there were people like you, people who can make magic
from words too.”
And with his words, my heart fell over the precipice it had been balancing
on since meeting this boy. I tipped my head to look at Levi. I wanted to say
so much. I wanted to express how he made me feel, how he made me feel
with what he said to me—so kind and so pure—but I couldn’t find the
words. My words were stolen the minute I wanted to express my feelings.
Suddenly, the lights dimmed and a woman, looking to be in her mid-
thirties, took to the stage. The coffee house fell to a hush, and the woman
closed her eyes, her voice powerful, but not as powerful as her words.
“Who am I? The girl on the street. Who am I? The subhuman at your
feet…” The more the woman spoke, every sentence laced in hurt and pain, I
felt like I had been physically punched in my gut. Levi, clearly sensing it,
held me closer, kissing my head when my tears fell.
I listened for an hour to what could have been my life. This woman had
had no home. She had been ignored, but more than that, more poignant to
me, she had experienced what I had too. She had felt the slap of harsh
words. She had been the target of cruelness… she understood. She
understood what it was like to be ripped into by people, like those girls that
had torn me to shreds, that had whittled me down until I was nothing but a
shell… who poisoned my world until it became a world I didn’t want to live
in anymore.
I knew Levi had brought me to see her because of how she had brought
herself from the dark and empty streets of being homeless. He couldn’t
know this too had been my past. He couldn’t know how close I came to the
brink of letting their cruelty consume me completely.
Levi moved his arm, leaving my shoulders. I turned to thank him, to kiss
him and express gratitude for the greatest gift I’d ever received, when he
reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a red hard-backed book. The
blush on his cheeks almost matched the pigment of the book cover, and he
handed it over, a delicate ribbon tied around it.
With trembling hands, I took it from him and read the title—‘Trials’. It
was by Sarah Carol, the woman we’d just listened to. “Happy birthday,
Elsie,” he added lovingly.
“Levi,” I whispered in response, a lump clogging my throat. I swallowed,
but managed to say, “You… you gifted me words?”
Levi shrugged, nervously raking his fingers through his hair. “You have
them in you, in your heart, even if you don’t like saying them aloud.
Though you’ve shared them with me. I thought I’d return the gesture.”
I couldn’t stop them if I tried, the tears building in my eyes. I didn’t let
them fall. I blinked them away. Leaning forward, I kissed Levi’s unshaven
cheek. I couldn’t speak right now. Levi smiled and pointed at the stage.
“She’s signing them, Elsie.” I followed his hand, but shook my head.
“I couldn’t, I couldn’t ask…”
“I’ll get it signed if you want?”
My head tilted to the side, and I said, “You don’t like speaking to strangers
either.”
“But I’d do it for you. I’ll be your voice when you can’t speak.”
Levi took my book from my hand and got to his feet. I quickly stood
beside him, slipping my arm around his waist. Levi glanced down, and I
said, “So you’re not alone for this too.”
His gray eyes filled with an emotion I wasn’t sure I was ready for, but he
didn’t say anything, instead he led me toward the poet with his arm around
my shoulders. We waited in line until it was our turn.
The poet smiled, and I dropped my eyes. “You enjoy the reading?” she
asked.
 Levi cleared his throat. “Yeah.”
I could feel the woman’s eyes on me, when she asked, “So, which of you
likes the poetry?”
Levi squeezed me tighter, and replied, “My girl, Elsie. She writes too.”
Nerves accosted my body. I heard the woman scribble her signature on the
page, when Levi said, “She’s kinda shy. She don’t speak all that much.”
I glanced up and the woman met my gaze. “I used to be the same, but I
found the strength to express my voice through my words. That and by the
woman I fell in love with.” I already knew she was bullied for being gay,
made homeless for being gay, so her words were no surprise. In fact, they
were like a balm to me. Because she’d been healed.
She handed the book to me, and I reached out and took it. Leaning in she
said, “Eventually, something or someone will come along in your life to
show you that what other people think don’t matter. You’ll find the strength
to not let what people say affect you in quite the same way.”
I stared at the poet, and shyly smiled. Reaching behind her she gave me a
black booklet, and said, “Here, for when inspiration strikes.”
I took the black blank notepad from her and held it to my chest.
“Thank you,” Levi spoke for me, and we made our way to the door. As we
hit the cold night air, I looked up at Levi and pulled him to a stop. He
turned, confusion on his face, when I rose to my tiptoes and kissed him with
everything I had. I poured all of my thanks into that kiss, keeping my
treasured books close to my chest. When I pulled back. Levi was out of
breath, but his eyes were fixed on me.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “It’s been the best birthday I could ever have
dreamed of.”
That shy smile I adored so much spread on Levi’s face and he slipped his
hand in mine. “Let’s go home, bella mia.”
 Home, I thought as we began walking to the Jeep. I knew Levi was
referring to Austin and Lexi’s house, but I only read it as him and I.
Because I was pretty sure that my home was solely with this sweet soul—
wherever that may be.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twelve

Levi

Something had switched on between us. I could feel the tension in the air as
Elsie laid her hand over mine on her thigh. I was more aware of her now.
Her hand felt differently in mine, and when I kissed her, I didn’t wanna
stop.
I shook my head at the thought of that, because I never thought I’d ever
get to this point with someone. I never thought that I’d ever get comfortable
enough with someone to make love, or want to at least.
“Are you okay?” I glanced to Elsie beside me, who was looking at me
with real concern.
I shook my head again. “I’m good, just tired that’s all.”
“You’ve had a long day.”
I smiled, knowing it still wasn’t over. I just hoped Austin had done
everything I asked.
Pulling up to the house, I parked close to the back gate. I waited for Elsie
to join me and guided her through the yard. As we were about to reach the
door, Elsie pulled on my hand. Her books were close to her chest, which
made me feel so proud I could burst.
Her head was cast down, when she said, “I just want to say thank you,
Levi, for today. It’s been…” her soft voice faded off, ending the sentence
with a sigh. I pulled her close, her eyes widening as I threaded my hand in
the back of her hair.
 “It’s not over,” I rasped, then opened the door to the pool house. I heard
Elsie gasp behind me as she beheld the flowers and balloons filling the pool
house.
“Levi,” she whispered, and scanned the entire room.
“Wait here,” I said, and moved to the spare back room. As I walked in,
there was the birthday cake I’d bought. Throwing my jacket on the chair, I
lit the candle on the cake and made my way into the front room.
Elsie was touching a cabbage rose when I approached. She turned when
she heard me, and I said, “Tanti auguri, Elsie. Happy birthday.”
Elsie froze, then she dropped the books on the tabletop. Her hands went to
her mouth. I stepped closer and closer until I stopped right in front of her,
watching as she stared at the birthday cake, tears filling her eyes.
“It’s round, pink and my name is written on it,” she whispered. A sigh
came from her throat. “Levi,” she cried and met my eyes.
I shrugged, feeling every ounce of her shock; but I wasn’t sure if I’d
done the right thing. “I wanted today to be real special.” I hung my head,
thinking that I’d really messed up. “You said your favorite birthday
involved a cake. A pink cake that was round and had your name written
across the top. I wanted to remind you of when your life wasn’t so hard.”
“My life has always been hard, Levi. Every day of my life.”
I winced knowing all this had been over-the-top. I was an idiot, trying too
hard to make her happy. I turned to walk away, when Elsie grabbed hold of
my arm. “Until I met you,” she confessed, almost in a whisper.
Her tiny voice caused my feet to plant onto the ground and heat to fire in
my chest. I felt a kiss on my shoulder blade, and she said, “The day I met
you, even in that alley, with just a simple cup of coffee, you showed me
more kindness than I’d received in years, maybe ever.”
 Her forehead fell to my back. “You’ve given me my voice, without
judgment. You’ve given me adventures, and kisses. You’ve given me health
and comfort… and you’ve given me words. You’ve given me words,” I
heard her huff a laugh, “and you gave me light in a mason jar to keep the
darkness away.”
I felt her tremble, when she added, painfully, “What have I given you to
earn all this? To earn your trust?”
I inhaled sharply and turned back round. Elsie’s head was bowed. Placing
the cake on the table, with wax now dripping from the candle, I said,
“You’ve given me… me.”
My voice was low and raspy, but I needed her to look at me. I placed my
finger under her chin and lifted her head. Her long light lashes were
fluttering on her cheeks. I told her straight. “You never have to hide your
face from me. You never have to be shy, not with me.”
Elsie’s eyes lifted, and her blue irises seared mine. I pushed a strand of her
long blond hair behind her ear. Her cheeks were still rosy from the wind
outside, and I swore there was no one on the damn planet more beautiful
than this girl. At least not to me. “I’ve been lost, Elsie. Lost and drowning
since I was a kid.”
“Like Leander. Drowning. Lost in the tide,” she added. I couldn’t help but
smile.
“Like Leander,” I agreed, and swallowed hard. “Then I saw you. I saw you
and you brought me back to me.” I took her pretty face in my hands, and
said, “You, the pretty girl with no voice, gave me a voice again. Elsie, you
brought me life.” I kissed her forehead, moving my cheek to rest against
hers. With my mouth near her right ear, I assured, “That’s why you deserve
all of this. Because you’re a life giver. A silent, resilient life giver.”
 Tears fell down her cheeks, and I wiped them away with the pad of my
thumbs. “Levi,” she whispered brokenly.
“Now, come and blow out your candle.”
Elsie laughed, her high-pitched giggle sounded like heaven to my ears. I
lifted the cake and walked to sit on the bed. Elsie climbed on the opposite
side and perched on her knees. Making sure I was near the bedside lamp, I
placed the cake on the comforter. Elsie shuffled forward.
“Close your eyes and make a wish,” I instructed. As Elsie blew out the
single candle, I flicked off the light. The lightning bug mason jar glowed
beside her.
I watched as Elsie’s eyes opened, where she quickly looked around, seeing
the room plunged into darkness. She looked to me as I moved the cake to
the side table.
I covered her hand with my own and instructed, “Look up.”
Elsie frowned, but did as I asked. Her lips parted as a shocked breath left
her mouth. I didn’t look up, I watched her instead. I didn’t want to look
away as I watched an awed smile spread on her face. I couldn’t look away
as she stared at the ceiling of stars.
“Levi,” she whispered through her tears. “What have you done? What are
you doing to my heart and my soul?”
For once I went with the words that wanted to spill from my mouth. “I’m
falling for you.”
Blood rushed to my cheeks, my nerves flaming with fire. But what I had
said was enough to tear Elsie’s attention from the plastic neon stars and
focus on me. Silently she edged closer and closer, until her lips fell on
mine, her mouth nervous and shy, before growing bolder and stronger.
I kissed her back. I kissed her back with everything I had, my hands
wrapping around her golden strands. Elsie moaned into my mouth as we
lowered to lie back on the bed. We kissed and we kissed until, breathless,
Elsie pulled back to look into my eyes. “Levi, you… you make me want to
give my heart away.”
And that was all it took. That was all it took for me to fall completely for
my silent girl, my beautiful girl.
Bella mia.
“Elsie,” I groaned, edging back from her mouth. Seeing her bare throat,
the light skin I had to kiss, I moved my lips down to brush along the smooth
flesh.
Elsie moaned and squirmed under my touch. Her skin tasted as sweet as
apples. As my lips ran over her pulse, I felt it beating fast—too fast.
I suddenly pulled back as Elsie’s back arched, and I sat back on my heels.
My hands were fisted on my thighs as I fought back what I wanted to do.
Something I had no idea how to initiate.
The feel of a fingertip ran over the back of my hand, but I kept my eyes
closed. I was hard, and I was trying like hell to calm down.
“Levi—” Elsie went to speak, but I cut her off.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice thick with need. “I’ll back off. I just… I just
need a minute.”
Elsie didn’t say anything in response, and I worked on breathing in and
out. Then, suddenly, I felt a kiss press on the bottom of my throat. My eyes
snapped open to see Elsie sitting back before me. As our gazes met, she
held my eyes in her trance. I lifted her hand to my face. Her fingers traced
the edge of my forehead, slipping down my cheeks and across my lips. I
rubbed them together when it tickled, but Elsie didn’t stop there.
Her hands continued down my throat, to the top of my chest, only to stop
where the buttons on my shirt were still done up.
 Her warm breath drifted over my face, and in the glow of the mason jar, I
watched her pupils dilate. I froze, unable to move and unable to speak, then
Elsie undid the next button on my shirt.
My blood rushed through my ears, and I stared at Elsie’s flushed face. Her
eyes were intent on mine as her fingers undid one, then two, three, and four
buttons. My pants grew tighter the farther down her hands went, my skin
flushing as she touched it.
The silence stretched on until my shirt was open. I waited for what she
would do next. I had let her take control. I didn’t expect her to push the shirt
from my shoulders, the material dropping to my wrists. I sucked in a sharp
breath, getting so hard I could barely stand it. Then Elsie moved in and
kissed the skin on my chest.
“Shit,” I hissed, the feel of her mouth on me caused my muscles to tense.
Elsie paused, but when I looked down, she pressed another kiss to my chest.
She pressed kiss after kiss along to my pecs. I squeezed my eyes shut, her
touch the sweetest torture.
Her soft lips landed on the side of my neck, they moved higher until her
mouth stopped at my ear, and she hushed out, “Make love to me.”
My eyes opened and my breathing stopped.
Elsie’s breathing was ragged as she waited for me. Her head then moved
back until her blue eyes came into view, her blue eyes filled with want…
for me.
She wanted me.
I wanted her… so bad.
“Elsie,” I groaned, lifting my fingers to her hair. I pushed my fingers into
the thick strands and watched as she closed her eyes, then licked along her
lips. “Elsie,” I murmured and brushed my cheek against hers. “Are… are
you sure?”
 Elsie stilled, but she didn’t speak. I waited and waited until I felt her move
back. She moved out of my grip and away from where I sat. My heart
plummeted when I thought she’d changed her mind.
I exhaled, ready to move off the bed for some air, when Elsie began lifting
her shirt over her head, throwing it to the floor, only her pink bra remaining.
My hands clenched as I stared at her beauty, at her incredible body, at her
milky white skin. Then she edged forward until she was right in front of
me. Until her bare skin was in my reach.
I could feel my face was on fire. “Elsie,” I whispered again, feeling
completely out of my depth.
“Make love to me,” she repeated and slowly placed her arms around my
neck. With tears in her eyes, she added, “Underneath the stars you gifted
me. Make love to me.”
My heart slammed against my chest. I had to admit, “I ain’t ever done this
before.” I lowered my eyes. “I ain’t ever done anything like this before.”
Embarrassment gripped me, until Elsie pressed her hand on my chest, my
heart beating fast.
“Me neither.”
Lifting my eyes, I stared at her pretty face, which watched me so intently,
and rasped, “You’re so beautiful.”
Elsie’s cheek reddened, and before she could do anything else, I kissed her
soft lips and shed my shirt. Skimming my hands over her soft skin, I
lowered us to the bed, Elsie laying her back to the comforter. Lost in the
kiss, I moved over her body, covering her with my own. Elsie moaned into
my mouth as her hands ran down my back. The feeling shot straight to my
dick, sending shivers over my flushed skin.
I groaned into her mouth. Breaking from the kiss, I moved down her throat
to her chest. I stopped at her breasts. Elsie froze beneath me, and I looked
up into her eyes.
She nodded her head, agreeing for me to touch her. Swallowing my
nerves, I ran my hand over the top of her bra, her back arching and her soft
moans filling the room. Spurred on by her encouraging sounds, I pulled
down the straps of her bra, pulling them lower with shaking hands until her
breasts were freed.
Breath hitching at the sight, I moved my timid fingers over the full flesh,
then over the tight pink nipple that was hardening under my touch. Elsie
cried out as the pad of my finger teased the hard bud. I froze at the sound
and asked, “Are you okay?”
I could hear the nerves in my voice, and as Elsie inhaled through her nose,
she nodded her head. I understood that I hadn’t hurt her or caused her pain,
but she’d liked it.
“Levi,” she moaned breathlessly, and ran her hand through my hair. My
eyes rolled back at her touch. But then her hand was pushing my head
down, pushing my head down to her nipple. Groaning, I needed to taste her.
Palming her full breast in my hand, I flicked out my tongue and tentatively
licked over the hot skin. Elsie’s hand tightened in my hair, lighting a fire
inside me. Pulling back my tongue, I then took Elsie in my mouth, a high-
pitched gasp pouring from her lips.
“Levi,” she cried, “please.”
Spurred on by her plea, I released her breast and moved back to her
mouth, her eyes leaden and lashes low. Elsie’s hands fell from my hair and
unclasped her bra, discarding the material to the floor.
Her breathing was labored as our eyes met, and I lowered my mouth,
pushing my tongue inside to slide next to hers. Elsie pulled me closer, so
close that our naked chests met, pulling a groan from us both.
 Cradling my arms over Elsie’s head, I took her mouth, both of us growing
bolder by the minute. With every touch our shyness and apprehension
ebbed away, until it was just us. Just us and no insecurities, nothing holding
us back.
Elsie’s hips raised, her thigh pressing against me. I snapped back my head
and gritted my teeth. Opening my eyes, Elsie’s attention was fixed on me.
Her pale skin was flushed and damp, her blond hair spread on the pillow
like a halo.
“Levi, please,” she begged again. Swallowing my nerves, I sat up, shifting
down the bed until I was facing Elsie’s jeans. Unable to resist, I ran my
hand over her flat stomach, nothing on her top half but the cuff bracelets
she always wore around her wrists and the gold necklace that lay on her
chest.
Dropping my hand to the top of her jeans, Elsie stilled when my fingers
gently snapped open the button, moving on to slide down her zipper. My
heart was pounding with what was happening between us. But I couldn’t
stop. I wanted this girl too much. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to make
her mine in every way possible.
Taking hold of the waistband, I slipped down Elsie’s jeans, her pink lace
panties coming down with it. Removing the jeans from her legs, I stilled as
I looked at my beautiful girl spread out naked on the bed, her damp skin
glistening under the neon glow of the mason jar. She swallowed as she
watched me watching her, then she held out her arms, and I couldn’t hold
back. I moved to go toward her when, suddenly, she sat up. I stilled as her
hands landed on my chest, then gently lowered to the waistband of my
pants.
“Elsie,’ I rasped and my forehead dropped to hers. I placed my hands on
the back of her head and just tried to breathe as her fingers popped the top
button and pulled down the zipper.
“Elsie,” I moaned. Suddenly she froze.
“Am I doing it right?” she asked, the nerves clear in her voice. I noticed
that her slightly different tone had thickened when her nerves kicked in, her
words harder to make out. It then occurred to me that she must try to keep
her voice from sounding different. My heart shattered when I realized that
every word she said, she must have thought about first, to try to disguise
what set her apart from others.
“Levi,” she pushed, reminding me of her question. I couldn’t help but
crush my mouth to hers. Elsie’s hands slackened on my pants, and I pulled
back to reassure her, “It’s perfect, Elsie, nothing you do can be wrong.”
Elsie dropped her gaze and pushed my pants down, my hardness springing
free. My head snapped back as her hand skimmed over my dick. Elsie’s
eyes widened and she reddened in apprehension. Wanting to taste her, about
to combust if I didn’t have more, I lowered us back down to lie on the bed,
finally kicking off my pants to leaving us both naked.
Elsie lay on her back as I kissed her. My hand ran over her neck, and down
over her chest, my nerves building the closer I got to her thighs. I stopped
my hand on her stomach, taking a deep breath, questioning what the hell to
do next, when Elsie lifted her head to kiss my cheek, and she said, “I want
you to touch me, Levi.” She smiled timidly, then said, “I need you to.”
“I might do something wrong.”
Elsie’s hand drifted down my cheek, forcing me to look at her. “You
couldn’t,” she said, echoing my words.
I leaned into her hand. “I want it to be good. I don’t wanna mess it up.”
“You couldn’t.”
“Why?”
 “Because it’s you. And it’s me. Nothing means more to me in the world
than this. Than us.”
“Elsie,” I groaned.
“Take me,” she instructed, “let’s… let’s forget about the nerves tonight.
Let’s just let it all go.”
Exhaling a slow and steady breath, I glanced down to focus on my hand,
watching as I slipped it down between her legs, dipping down into her core.
Elsie cried out a breathless cry as my fingers slipped along her folds. And I
fell. I completely fell off the cliff I’d been hanging off for years, at last
feeling the hole in my heart beginning to heal.
She was so wet and warm as my fingers ran back and forth. Elsie’s moans
grew louder and louder the more my fingers explored, her body jerking
more when I brushed over her clit. “Levi,” she hushed out. Her hips lifted
as my finger moved lower, searching for me to move back up.
Unable to take how beautiful she looked, I leaned down, kissing along the
bottom of her neck, my fingers slowly circling her clit. Elsie’s legs fell open
as I moved my mouth to her breasts. I took her hard nipple in my mouth,
her hand locking my head in place as I licked around the raised skin.
My fingers moved faster, and with every circle, Elsie’s breathing grew
louder. Keeping my thumb on her clit, I moved my fingers down, slipping
one into her entrance. I groaned at how she tightened around my finger, her
hands beginning to pull at my hair.
I lifted from her breast, only to see Elsie’s blue eyes open, glazed with
how I was making her feel. “Elsie,” I rasped. “Is this okay?”
Elsie nodded as another moan slipped from parted lips. “Levi,” she
whispered, “I need more, I need—”
I cut off her plea with my mouth, my hips beginning to grind into the
mattress. My cock ached, needing to be touched, needing to be in her, but I
wanted to make her come first.
My tongue pushed into her mouth, swallowing her cries. I worked my
thumb harder on her clit, pushing another finger inside her. Elsie cried out,
breaking her mouth from mine, and I could hear the change in her
breathing, could feel her passage starting to tighten, to grip down on my
fingers.
“Levi,” Elsie called. Her chest rising and falling in erratic movements. “It
feels… I feel…” Elsie’s head suddenly threw back, and she slammed her
hand around my wrist as she came, a high-pitched scream coming from her
throat. I watched, mesmerized as she fell apart, a flush coating her pale
skin.
Her swollen lips were open as she breathed and her eyes were squeezed
shut. I slowed my thumb on her clit, until she jerked under my hand,
pushing my thumb away. I kept my fingers slowly pushing inside her, until
her eyes fluttered open and collided straight with mine.
It was the first time I didn’t see any shyness in her stare. There was only
acceptance; acceptance, and what appeared to be happiness.
Pulling my hand away, I crawled over Elsie, covering her body with
mine. Losing my mind at the satisfied expression on her face, I crashed my
mouth to hers. I kissed her and kissed her, our tongues caressing and lips
bruising, when I suddenly felt delicate fingers brush along the length of my
dick. My lips fell from Elsie’s the instant I felt her touching me. Her eyes
were watching me as my jaw clenched.
I opened my mouth to moan out Elsie’s name, when her fingers wrapped
around my length, trapping my voice inside my throat. I gasped as she shyly
began moving her hand up and down. My arms shook as I kept myself from
putting my full weight on her body, and my head tucked into the crook of
her neck.
 My hips worked back and forth, picking up speed, my balls starting to
strain as shivers raced up my spine. My breathing was hard and labored,
and I felt a heady pressure building in my thighs.
Knowing I was only minutes away from coming, I drew myself back,
straddling Elsie’s thighs, trying to catch my breath. Dropping my hand, I
placed it over her working hand, bringing her to a pause.
I could feel dampness on my skin; I could feel heat flooding my face.
“Bella mia,” I moaned, the Italian endearment for ‘my beautiful’ slipped
from my mouth without conscious thought. “We have to stop or I’m
gonna…” I broke off, heart thundering in my chest. Elsie’s trembling hand
released me and I hissed as I stared down at her naked body beneath me. I
had to force myself not to come just looking at her long blond hair mussed
and bright, at her beautiful face looking up at me in adoration. Her full
breasts, her milky skin…
My arms caught me as I dropped forward needing her lips back on mine.
Elsie cupped my unshaven cheeks as I pressed my forehead to hers. “Elsie,”
I said quietly. “I want… I…”
“I want you to make love to me too,” she answered for me.
My arm muscles ached from how tightly I was gripping the pillow.
“Yeah?” I asked, making sure.
A small smile spread on Elsie’s lips. “I need this, Levi. I need to give
myself to you.”
My stomach flipped at her words, and I said, “I have protection, in my
drawer.”
Elsie swallowed, but nodded her head. It was about thirty seconds before I
moved from over her body and sat on the edge of the bed. I pulled open my
drawer and took out a condom, my hands shaking as my palm filled with
the gold packet.
 Come on, Levi, I thought to myself, talking myself into moving.
But I was crippled with nerves, terrified I got this wrong, that I would hurt
her or cause her to not want to stay. Suddenly, a hand ran down my back,
and I felt Elsie’s lips press a kiss to my spine. Bumps spread over my skin
and I sucked in a sharp breath.
“I want this, Levi,” Elsie’s uncontrolled sweet voice assured.
I glanced over my shoulder to see her head on the pillow looking up at me.
“I’m falling real hard for you, bella mia,” I admitted, my words stilling
Elsie were she lay.
With my empty hand, I ran my thumb over her plump red lips and
confessed, “I have no idea what I’m doing, and I want this to be special for
you. I want this to be good.”
Elsie’s hand pressed over mine and she moved her face so she could kiss
my palm. “Everything is special with you, Levi. Because… because I’m
falling for you too.”
I closed my eyes at her words, when I felt the bed dip. Elsie had got to her
knees, and she took the packet from my hand. Keeping her head down, she
tore the packet open and removed the condom.
I turned, my hands planting on her thighs as Elsie bent down and rolled the
condom over my tip. “Shit,” I hissed as she sheathed me in the rubber, my
fingers digging into her flesh.
Elsie leaned forward and kissed the corner of my mouth, withdrawing only
to tell me, “I’m ready.”
Spurred into action at her words, I pushed forward and took her mouth
with my own, as I guided her down onto the bed. I kissed her, cherished her,
running my hands through her hair. Elsie’s hands splayed on my back, her
short fingernails scraping along my skin.
 I worked myself between her legs, running my hands down her thigh. I
kissed at her neck, and down to her breasts, before I lifted to my arms,
needing to be inside of her more than I needed air.
Elsie’s hands drifted to my biceps, and we paused in the moment, her
looking up at me and me looking down at her. “You ready?” I asked softly,
making sure one final time.
Elsie shifted beneath me, opening her legs, until I was braced at her
entrance. A blush was on her already rosy cheeks, and she nodded her head.
“Yes.”
Swallowing, praying that I didn’t hurt her, I pushed myself inside, inch by
inch in a painstaking slowness. Elsie was as still as the night below me, her
expressive eyes giving away everything she was feeling.
Her blue irises were bright as I filled her, my jaw clenched tight at the
unbelievable feel of pushing inside her heat. Elsie winced and I froze.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, feeling my tip pushing against something inside
her.
She controlled her breathing and admitted, “It’s beginning to hurt.”
I went to immediately pull back when her legs clamped around the back of
my thighs and she stopped me. I looked up in surprise and she cupped my
cheek. “I’m a virgin, Levi. This was always going to be painful at first…”
she took a deep breath, “but I want it. We just have to keep going through
this next part.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Her head tilted to the side and she smiled. “That’s why I want to do this
more than ever.” Her eyelashes fluttered against her cheeks. “Because you
care enough to stop at the thought of causing me pain. Because, even
though I can see how desperately you want to be inside me, you’re going
slow, you’re making sure I’m safe.”
 “Because you’re my girl,” I replied. Elsie’s eyes glossed at my statement.
Pushing on the back of my thighs with her legs, Elsie guided me forward,
pushing me to break through her virginity and seat myself fully inside. I
gasped as I filled her to the hilt, feeling Elsie flinch against my chest.
I froze, waiting until Elsie’s breathing evened out. She exhaled and said,
“Move. I’m okay, now.”
I pressed kiss after kiss to her damp cheeks. “You sure?”
Elsie’s gaze softened and she rolled her hips, her teeth biting along her lip.
But it wasn’t in pain. The sight of her, the feel of her, rolling against me,
sliding along my hard dick caused me to instinctively push forward, then
pull back, only to push back inside her heat once again.
“Ah,” Elsie moaned into my ear. My breath was shaky as I began to pick
up speed, the feel of taking what was mine—of making love to my beautiful
girl—completely consuming me.
My pulse raced and my heart thudded as my hips began picking up speed.
My arms were tense, my back burning as Elsie’s nails dug into my skin.
Soft moans trickled from Elsie’s mouth into my ear and her nipples
hardened and brushed against my chest.
“Levi,” she whispered, and I inched back to look at her face. Elsie’s mouth
was parted, and I held her gaze as my thrusts picked up speed, Elsie’s
channel gripping me tight.
“Elsie,” I groaned. “You feel so good.”
“Levi,” she whispered back, but her voice was cut off by a gasp, a gasp
that took hold of my soul. “It…” she murmured, “it feels so good.”
Gritting my teeth, I shed my restraint. I plowed forward, filling Elsie with
everything I had. I groaned, my breathing out of control. I dropped kisses to
her bare shoulder, her cheeks and her lips, and with every single touch,
pressure built at the bottom of my spine. I knew I was close, the feeling too
good to describe.
Elsie’s moans increased until her channel began to contract and her
forehead fell to my shoulders as she screamed out her release, gripping me
so tight that light flared behind my eyes. I came, I came so hard that I
roared out my release, filling Elsie as I tucked my head into her neck.
Her sweet scent filled my nostrils as I inhaled, my body slick as I
shuddered inside of her. Her hands wrapped into my hair, her fingers
yanking on the strands.
I rocked inside her slowly, sure that I wouldn’t ever stop coming, when
Elsie’s legs slipped from my thighs, her hands dropping from their grip on
my hair.
I breathed. I breathed and calmed my racing heart, before lifting my head
and seeing my girl’s eyes closed tightly. I swallowed, seeing her face
flushed and warm. Moving one of my hands, I brushed it down her cheek,
her eyes fluttering open.
“Hey,” I said and saw her read my lips—a habit she had still yet to break.
Elsie smiled shyly and replied, “Hi.’
“Are you okay?” I rasped, my voice hoarse and cut.
Elsie rolled her head to nuzzle my palm. She exhaled and nodded, her
warm breath dusting over my face. Cautiously leaning down, I kissed her
lips, and sighed against her mouth when Elsie kissed me back. It was soft
and slow, and it was different. Different because I now knew all of her.
I knew her body. I knew her heart; all I had yet to claim was her soul.
Breaking from her mouth, I rolled to the side, gently sliding out from
inside her. Elsie hitched a breath as I withdrew, removing the rubber and
throwing it in the trash. Turning back to Elsie, she was staring at the ceiling,
her face beautiful, glowing. “Tu sei bella,” I whispered. Elsie rolled her
head to me. She smiled and reached out for my hand. As soon as our
fingers were linked she pulled me forward until we were sharing the same
pillow.
Elsie gave me the softest kiss and asked, “How do you say ‘kiss’ in
Italian?”
Her eyes focused intently on my mouth, and I said clearly, “Bacio.”
“Bacio,” she repeated, her mouth plating out the unfamiliar language. I
smiled seeing her face so excited, so bright, when she asked, “What’s your
favorite Italian word?”
I frowned, then nearly broke apart with light when Elsie laughed, she
sounded an adorable laugh and shook her head. “You probably think I’m
crazy?”
I laughed back and shook my head. “I’ve just never been asked my
favorite word before—in any language.”
That didn’t seem to deter Elsie and I thought about what she’d asked. I
smiled when a word came to mind. “You have one?” she suspected. I
nodded.
“I like the word farfalle, I suppose. I remember being a kid and finding
any excuse to say it to my mamma or brothers.”
Elsie shuffled closer. “Farfalle. What does it mean?”
I shrugged. “Butterfly.”
Elsie’s responding smile could have lit up the damn room and I shrugged.
“What?” she questioned.
“I think… I think my favorite sentence would now have to be ‘bella mia’.”
I shifted, embarrassed, then translated, “My beautiful.”
Elsie froze, all humor fled her expression. I shook my head. “That was
probably real damn cheesy.”
 “Shh,” Elsie interrupted, her hand on my cheek. I glanced up and she said,
“It was beautiful, Levi. Nothing from your mouth could ever be wrong or
‘cheesy’, as you say.” I stilled, waiting for her to finish, when she said,
“You are the kindest, most sweet soul, I’ve ever met. Nothing you ever say
has anything but honesty and gentleness to it.” She dropped her eyes.
“Because that’s you, the kindest person there is.”
My heart swelled as she said that, and I slid my arm around her shoulders,
pulling her into my side. Elsie’s head settled on my shoulder and she gazed
at the stars. I did too.
After minutes in silence, she asked, “How do you say stars in Italian?”
“Stelle,” I replied and felt her head nod against my skin.
She was silent again, until her hand took hold of mine and she confided, “I
couldn’t look at the stars for years after my mom died.”
Ice ran through my veins at the sadness in her voice. She pointed at the
plastic stars. “Every time I looked up at them, I felt small, unimportant…
and completely alone. I’d look at them and wonder where she was, wonder
if there was even a heaven.” She shook her head. “My mom did so many
bad things, Levi. Maybe not bad, but reckless things. Drugs, never having a
home for us.”
“Where did you live?” I asked, my voice husky with sympathy at the pain
she was in.
Elsie sighed and replied, “Mainly on the streets.” She looked up at me.
“It’s all I’ve ever really known. And being here has been…” she inhaled
and exhaled, “divine.”
There was nothing to say, so I held her closer. She didn’t say anything else
about her mamma and I didn’t want to make her any sadder than she was,
so I asked, “Why do you love poetry so much?”
 This time when she took in a breath, it wasn’t filled with pain. “I don’t
really know. I’ve just always been fascinated with words—how they sound,
their structure, their meanings,” she cut herself off, then said, “how they can
be used for good… and used for bad.”
I frowned, wondering what she meant when she flipped onto her stomach
and laid her hands on my chest. I ran my fingers through her hair,
completely infatuated with everything she was saying.
“Bad?” I questioned, when Elsie immediately paled. “What?” I asked, my
hand stopping mid-stroke on her hair.
Elsie shook her head. “Nothing.”
“You sure?” I pushed, but she smiled and nodded.
Inhaling, she said, “I suppose I became fascinated with words because I
lived without them or sound until I was eight.”
“Eight?”
“Yes,” she replied, “I inherited my deafness from my mom—who was
deaf in both ears.” She pointed to her right ear. “I had low hearing in this
ear. When I was eight, we found out about a new surgical technique that
could restore the hearing in my right ear.” Her eyes dropped. “My mom had
no money. Somehow she managed to scrape enough together to pay for my
surgery—I don’t know how. Though I can guess.”
I brought her hand to my mouth and kissed it, a blush coating her cheeks.
“When I woke from the surgery, I had been fitted with a hearing aid. I could
hear, not a huge lot better, but it sounded like thunder compared to what
little I had before. I remember being confused at the sounds all around me.
At people speaking to me.” She ran her fingers over my lips. “I would hear
them, and match the sounds up with the movement of their lips. My mom
didn’t speak, couldn’t speak. When she tried, sometimes her pronunciation
was too difficult to understand. So I had to learn for myself. I had to listen
and learn. I learned and became obsessed with words.” She shrugged. “I
guess it never went away.”
“And the poetry?”
Elsie’s eyes grew shiny and she pointed to the ceiling. “I made up that
little rhyme about those plastic stars. It ignited something within me…
something that kept me going even when I wasn’t sure I could.”
I didn’t say anything else, and Elsie laid her cheek on my chest. “When
my mom died, I thought I’d never write poetry, again. I never thought I’d
look at the stars, again.”
My chest ached with sympathy, when she rasped, “But the words came
regardless and I just had to write them down.” She turned her head to me, a
tear falling down her cheek. “I tried to stop them, but the thought of how
my mom loved to read my poems… when she was thinking clear... I had to
write them down. There was no choice. They would fill my head until I had
to purge them on the page.”
“What were they about?” I asked softly.
“Lots of things, but… mainly her. How my life was without her, what I’d
do if I could only see her one more time.”
A lump clogged my throat and images of my own mamma came to mind. I
could feel Elsie’s pain, because I felt it too. Silence took over, then I asked,
“Can I hear some?”
Elsie stilled.
I shifted and assured, “It’s okay if you don’t want to.”
“It’s not that,” she pushed. “I just… nobody’s heard it since my mom. I’ve
never spoken them aloud.”
“It’s okay,” I whispered and saw Elsie relax.
I closed my eyes, feeling drained and tired, when I heard, “I wrote this
after my mom died. When I was in care, in a group home, and I had nobody
to talk to.”
My eyes snapped open as a million questions flooded my mind. Care?
Group home? But all that fell away when she began reciting her poem.
“Heaven’s Door,” she announced. Her eyes were unfocused as the gutting
words poured out:

“I’d search the world for Heaven’s Door,

Over mountains and valleys, each sandy shore.
I’d find the stairway, soaring through clouds,
I'd climb each step, without making a sound.
I’d arrive at the door of glimmering gold,
I’d slip through unnoticed, not stirring a soul.
I’d gasp at its beauty, at its rivers and trees,
I’d stray from the paths, I’d hide among leaves.
I’d tiptoe unseen, under sun and sky blue,
I’d search every corner until I found you.
I’d capture a tear, catch a glimpse of your hair,
As you danced and you twirled, without any care.
You’d smile and you’d laugh, like a bird you’d be free,
I’d try not to cry, you’re there without me.
I’d stay my hand from touching your face,
From calling your name, to feel your embrace.
You’d open your mouth and your voice would be pure,
I’d treasure the sound, no more pain you’d endure.
I’d stay ‘til the sunset, when I’d have to leave,
A pain in my heart, my spirit in grief.
I’d blow you a kiss, let it drift to the sky,
I’d whisper ‘I love you’ and bid you goodbye.
 I'd pass through the door, I’d descend out of view,
Knowing that one day, some day, I’d again be with you.”

Elsie trailed off, her voice breaking toward the end. While I sat here in
silence, stunned silence, my cheeks wet with tears.
Elsie blinked, then blinked again, and squeezed at my hand. She didn’t say
anything to me; I didn’t say anything to her, but we sat here, holding each
other, both raw at her words.
Minutes passed by, until Elsie switched positions and lay back upon the
pillow beside me. Her eyes were shimmering, completely vulnerable. I’d
spoken before I’d even had the thought. “Stay,” I hushed out, my hand on
her cheek. “Stay with me, here.”
Elsie sucked in a breath and gripped my wrist. “Levi—”
“Please,” I begged, knowing I’d break if she left. “Stay here. With me. Just
be my girl.”
“What would I do?” she whispered, her frightened eyes searching mine.
“I’ve already spoken to Lexi. She wants to show you her treatment center.
She wants to see if you can help her with something… if you’re ready. Only
when you’re ready.”
“Her treatment center?” she questioned. Hope sprung in my heart hearing
the interest in her voice. “I don’t understand.”
“I know,” I replied. “But I want Lexi to show you, to explain to you why
she opened such a place… and why she wants you there.”
Her eyes seemed to flare with the same hope I held in my chest, then her
eyes dropped, when she whispered, “Levi, there are things you don’t know
about me… things that have made me the way I am. That I haven’t told
you, that haunt me.”
 “I know,” I said in understanding, “but if you just give us time, if you stay,
maybe one day we’ll know everything about each other. Maybe we’ll be it
for each other.”
She paused, then exhaled, nodding her head. Relief flooded through me
and I crushed my mouth to hers. When I pulled back, Elsie was breathless
and she whispered, “You’re stealing my soul, Levi. Like a thief, you’re
taking my soul and making it your own.”
I felt the heat rise to my face as I rasped back, “I think you already have
mine.” I felt Elsie freeze when I said, “In fact, I think they are already
twinned.”
Elsie kissed me again and I wrapped her in my arms. As I closed my eyes,
I whispered, “Bella mia.”
“Your new favorite Italian words,” Elsie hushed out, sleep taking hold.
My favorite everything, I wanted to add. But we both fell asleep—together
—before I could.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Thirteen

Elsie

“Am I dressed okay?”

Lexi smiled at me as we drove through the city and she nodded her head.
“Of course, sweetie.”
I pulled the sleeves of my black shirt over my palms and stared out of the
window. It was three days since Levi and I had made love; made love and I
had promised him I would stay.
Lexi had come to me the next day and asked me to help her with
something at her treatment center. I’d agreed to come today to find out what
it was, but I didn’t know anymore than that.
The radio played quietly in the background. After ten minutes, we pulled
into a long drive, trees lining each side. My mouth gaped at the beautiful
gardens, then a huge white house came into view.
Lexi pulled into the car parking spot directly in front of the door and she
got out. I followed her lead, smiling as soon as I got out. The sound of birds
and flowing water were the only things I heard.
“It’s beautiful,” I said, smiling at a wooden gazebo overlooking what I
suspected to be water. The river maybe?
Lexi stood beside me and looked at the view. “It is. It’s my favorite out of
my two centers.”
I frowned in confusion. Lexi clearly saw. “I have two, Elsie. One here and
one in San Francisco where we lived before.” Lexi pointed to the stunning
wooden mansion behind us. “We had more funding when we came here,
and Austin was being paid more, of course. So we could make this center
be more than the other. We could have more than one focus.”
I stared up at the lettering on the building, reading, ‘Daisy’s Smile.’
“Who’s Daisy?” I asked and caught the flash of pain race across Lexi’s
face.
“She was my best friend.”
“Was?” I questioned. Lexi sadly nodded her head.
She turned to me and asked, “Did Levi ever tell you what happens at this
center, Elsie?”
I shook my head. “He said it was your story to tell. He said that I should
hear it from you. That you’d explain what you wanted my help with.”
Lexi walked forward and waved for me to follow. “Come on, girly, let me
show you what happens here.” She paused and looked behind to me. I
stopped when I saw the seriousness on her face. “Just prepare yourself,
sweetie. Some of the girls—and the few boys—here, are in a real bad
place.”
Apprehension filled me. I followed Lexi into the house with a growing
sense of trepidation. As we entered the house, I heard the low sounds of
voices filling the vast halls.
“It’s huge,” I said. Lexi nodded her head.
“It bigger round back, we’ve got a summerhouse and an extra, smaller
house in the gardens. That’s our newest center, the one where I’m hoping
you can help me.”
“How… how could I possibly help?” I asked nervously.
Lexi opened the door to what looked like her office. As she shut the door,
she pointed to a couch. I sat down and Lexi sat beside me. “Because I think
you might have been, or perhaps are still dealing, with some of the issues
we are tackling here. And there’s a girl, she’s sweet and…” Lexi stopped
talking clearly seeing my reaction.
My heart fired off and I panicked. Lexi gripped my hand, and her thumb
passed over the metal cuffs I always wore around my wrists. Tears
immediately sprung to my eyes. “Lexi,” I whispered, unable to cope talking
about that time, about those girls. About any of it. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t
face it.
“I know, sweetie,” she said and hugged me to her side. She was quiet
while I pulled myself together, then she confided, “You know, it’s taken me
a real long time to be able to do this.”
I knew I was frowning again, but I didn’t understand what she meant.
“This,” Lexi said and squeezed me to her side.
She let go and I asked, “Touch someone?”
Lexi nodded. “Kinda, more them touching me. Or hugging, mainly.”
“Why?” I asked. Lexi got to her feet. After retrieving a photo frame from
her desk, she brought it back for me to see. I stared down at the two young
girls in the picture. The first thing I noticed was how incredibly thin they
both were, too thin, dangerously so… then I realized one of those girls was
a young Lexi.
My head snapped up to witness Lexi watching me. I swallowed hard, too
afraid to say what I thought to be truth. But she beat me to it when she said,
“I was anorexic, Elsie. Severely.” She shook her head. “Or a better way to
put it is that I’m better now, I’m coping now… but it’s still hard.” Lexi took
the photo frame and ran her finger over the other girl’s face. “Daisy was my
best friend. I met her when I was getting treatment for anorexia.” Lexi
sighed and explained, “She died, her heart failed due to her lack of weight.”
She blinked, then blinked again, and added, “I almost died too.” She fixed
her gaze on mine. “And I would have, if it wasn’t for my friends.” A watery
smile spread on her lips. “If it wasn’t for Austin, showing me that I was
worthy of love,” she huffed and placed her hand over her heart, “that I was
worthy of loving myself for exactly who I was.”
“Lexi,” I whispered, my heart filling with sympathy. She laughed and I
smiled, seeing the happiness on her face. Then it dropped. “Austin and Levi
were living in real hard times then, Elsie. They were both caring for their
sick mamma,” she paused, then added, “they were both in a gang, Axel’s
gang, and then I came along and almost ruined it all for them. I witnessed
some things they didn’t want me to see.”
My eyes were wide as I hung on every word.
“Anyway, it was Austin who, even though I was spiraling to darkness,
brought me out of it despite what he was going through.” Lexi shrugged.
“Turned out he needed me too. Because he was spiraling too, they all
were.”
“And Levi?” I asked, picturing him in my mind as a young teen, unable to
imagine his sweet shy self in a gang.
Lexi’s face paled and her expression was sad. “He was lost, he still is. He
was quiet, but trying to act like a man to help save his dying mamma.” She
shook her head. “From the minute I met him he was the sweetest thing I’d
ever seen, a kind heart branded with a menacing tattoo on his left cheek. He
wore the gang sign on his face that told everyone to fear him, when inside
he is, in my opinion, one of the very best people to have in your life. And
when…” She chased away her tears with a wipe of her hand. “His mamma
died, his big brother went to prison and I—one of the only other people
he’d let in outside his family—was in hospital, down to skin and bones,
fading before his eyes.” Lexi took my hand. “He was never the same after
that day, Elsie. We moved to San Fran when Austin got an NFL contract,
and we got him the hell out of Alabama and away from all his pain. We also
got that tattoo removed.” Lexi squeezed my hand tighter. “But he carried all
the pain with him. I don’t think he’s ever let it go.”
My heart shuddered, because I was exactly the same. My Levi, my lost
boy, and me with my lonely heart, we were one and the same. Levi was
right.
“When we moved, I had a degree, I registered to be a counselor and I
knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to help those like myself. And I wanted
to name it after my best friend who never could let go of her past.”
“Daisy,” I answered knowingly.
“Daisy, the girl who died before she ever really lived. The one that never
found peace or acceptance of herself. The beautiful soul that never found
her Austin,” Lexi nudged me playfully, “or maybe her Levi.”
I blushed, and Lexi laughed, getting to her feet. “Come on, let me show
you round.”
I stood and followed Lexi to the door, but I pulled on her arm, bringing her
to a stop. Lexi looked to me and I asked, “I don’t understand what I can do
to help here? I,” I dropped my eyes and rocked on my feet, “I went hungry
through being on the streets, I can’t empathize with having an eating
disorder. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle all this.”
Lexi put her hand over mine and said, “It’s not this part of the center I was
thinking of, sweetie.”
I nodded my head, still not quite sure where she thought I could help, but
regardless I followed her through the halls, my heart breaking at the people
we passed.
Most of the rooms were filled with young girls all too thin, their clothes
hanging off their gaunt limbs. They all greeted Lexi with smiles, but
through their smiles, their pain was clear. Various members of staff came
out to say hello as we passed through, and I stood that little bit taller from
my shyness when I was introduced as Levi’s girlfriend… when Lexi
included me in her family.
I hadn’t been a part of a family. Even with my mom it was always just her
and I… and even then she was rarely with it enough to be any kind of
family to me. Although I loved her with everything I had.
We walked out of a back door into another stunning garden and across to a
smaller house; smaller, but no less impressive. As we climbed the steps,
Lexi held out her hand for me to take. I put my hand in hers. “This is where
I could use your help, Elsie.” She smiled. “And maybe this could in some
way start to help you too.”
I kept hold of Lexi’s hand until we entered the house, where a young
pretty woman, maybe mid-twenties, with beautiful dark skin and a bright
smile, approached. “Hey Lex,” she called and we walked forward until we
stepped into her office. The woman shut the door and held out her hand.
“I’m Celesha, the manager of Kind, you must be Elsie.”
I shook Celesha’s hand and nodded my head. As always, my bravery of
using my voice disappeared the minute I was faced with a stranger. But
Celesha didn’t seem to mind, instead she waved her hand for us to follow.
We walked into the body of the house, but unlike the bigger house, the
young people here weren’t underweight. In fact, they all looked like normal
teens, sat in groups or in what looked like therapy sessions.
Celesha stopped at the mouth of a huge hall that was filled with young
kids and teens playing ball. They were laughing and I couldn’t help but
smile as I watched them play. I felt Celesha’s eyes on me. “Kind is a charity,
Elsie, for young teens that are victims of bullying.”
My heart fell and I was sure it had landed on the ground. I clasped my
hands together and my eyes focused downwards. I could feel the communal
tension rising, when Lexi spoke. “A lot of these kids were runaways, Elsie,
or ended up on the streets in other ways. Kind gives them a home and place
to stay until they’re ready to return home. Or until they’re ready to face the
world again when they’re older and healthy enough.
“But all have been affected, severely, by bullying—cyber, physical, verbal,
mental, and—” I looked up when Celesha paused to look at a young girl, no
older than twelve or thirteen, walk by and wave her hand in greeting. I
stared at the young brunette. I stared because she had signed. She had used
sign language to communicate.
“That’s Clara,” Lexi said. “She came to us a few weeks ago.” Lexi stepped
closer. I watched as the brunette wandered off alone down the hallway. My
stomach churned seeing her by herself. “She’s lived with her step dad since
her mom died, but they’re not close. She doesn’t have many friends either.”
Like me, I wanted to say, but I held it inside.
I saw Celesha glance to Lexi and she stepped forward. I looked up at the
woman looking down at me. “No one here knows sign language too well,
and we were wondering if you could work with her some as you can sign?
Even if that’s just to talk to her. If you want to, that is. No pressure.”
I rubbed my lips together, and forced myself to say, “My ASL is rusty, I
haven’t used it in a long time.”
Lexi smiled, but put her arm around me. “Like we said, there’s no
pressure, Elsie. We’d love your help if you think you can do this. If it’s too
much, if all this is too soon for you, then it’s fine. I can take you home and
we can figure out something else.”
“We want staff that have personal knowledge of what our girls and boys
are going through.” Celesha smiled and intimated, “That’s what we pride
ourselves on, truly understanding what our kids talk to us about. We’d love
it if you can help, but if you can’t, then that’s just fine too.”
 I turned my head to the hallway and saw Clara sitting by the window,
staring out at the garden, all alone, and my heart broke. As I stared at the
young girl, I found myself saying, “Yes, I want to try and help her.”
Lexi squeezed me tighter. “I’m so proud of you, honey.”
“Thank you,” Celesha said, and I could see the happiness on her pretty
face.
I nodded my head when Lexi let me go. “Okay, I’ll be in the other house
in my office if you need me, sweetie. I’ll be going home in a few hours.
Take the time to wander around and familiarize yourself with the building
and what we do. This is all on your terms, so talk to Clara when you want.
It’s entirely dependent on when you’re ready. Remember that.”
I nodded my head again. It took me a few minutes to realize I was alone in
the hallway. I’d been swept up in a daze of trepidation, and self-doubt. I’d
been trying to push the thoughts of Annabelle and those girls from my head.
Feeling a wash of nerves, I crossed my arms around my waist and
wandered into a room that was filled with about ten teens. A man sat in the
circle, while a young girl was speaking through her tears.
“…he took a picture of me and I didn’t know.” The young girl shook her
head, pausing in the middle of the sentence as I walked in. She sniffed and
wiped at her eyes. “He sent it to his friends, they sent it to their friends, and
by the time I went to school the next day, almost all of the student body had
seen me… naked.” The girl covered her eyes, her voice raw with pain. “I
couldn’t get away from it all. I was called a slut, a whore. They painted it
on my locker, my mom’s car that I’d taken to school. It was all over
Facebook, and it never went away.”
“Take your time, Charlotte,” the man soothed. Charlotte took a deep
breath.
 “Weeks and weeks went by and it never went away. I kept thinking they
would forget, that something else would happen to take the attention off me,
but it didn’t. My best friends distanced themselves from me. I had no one to
sit with at lunch. I had no one to talk to, to confide in… and I couldn’t do it
anymore.”
My muscles were frozen as I waited for what came next, but I already
knew. Because it had happened to me too. I suspected that every young
person in the room knew exactly what came next; only the finer details
would be different.
“It was late, and I knew my parents would be asleep. So I took the rope
that I’d stolen from my dad’s shed and tied it to the top frame of my bed.”
The girl hitched a breath, as another girl beside her rubbed her back in
support. That one act of kindness made my eyes prick with tears, then the
girl carried on. “My dad had been worried about me, he told me…
afterwards. He came into check on me and found me hanging. I woke up in
hospital and they brought me here.” Charlotte went quiet, and the man
began to speak. I didn’t listen to the rest, the burning in my chest was too
much for me to take.
Turning as quickly as I could, I rushed to an exit, pushing through the
doors until the cool air washed over my face. I drew in a long breath, letting
the winter chill fill my lungs. I stood there, at the edge of the garden, trying
to calm down.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but when I turned around, I saw
a pair of dark eyes watching me through the glass of the sunroom: Clara.
I ducked my head as she watched me, looking so small and fragile in a
large brown chair. I clenched and unclenched my hands, loosening up the
fingers, when I forced myself to look Clara in the eyes and sign, “Hello.”
 I saw the shock on her face. I saw her sit taller and shuffle to the edge of
her seat. Then I saw her lift her hands, and shyly respond with her own
signed, “Hello.”
I smiled. I smiled at how timid she appeared. Like a reflection, I thought,
like looking in a mirror.
Clara sat back in her chair, but her attention never strayed away from me.
Centering my calm, I trudged a foot forward, then another, and before I
knew it, I was walking back inside the house, moving toward the sunroom.
Noises from the therapy sessions faded into the background as I entered
the large domed glass room. Empty chairs were positioned round this large
space, but only one was occupied—by Clara, overlooking the flowing river
beyond the garden.
My panic faded the closer I got to the young girl, and it evaporated as I sat
before her. She’s pretty, I thought, as I surveyed her fair skin and long
brown hair. She flicked her eyes in my direction, brown eyes that could
have been pretty if they weren’t filled with such pain. It’s strange how the
eyes can show you so much. I agreed with the saying, ‘eyes are the window
to the soul’. And Clara’s soul was broken, I could see it was shredded into
pieces.
Clara’s eyes dipped, then focused back on the window. Shaking my hands,
I held them in the air and signed, “Hello, Clara.”
Clara’s head turned back to me as my hands moved. Her eyes darted up to
my eyes. For a moment I wondered if I had signed it wrong, or if she didn’t
want me here. I worried that I was invading her space.
But a few seconds later, Clara lifted her hands and signed, “Hi.” She
paused then added, “Who are you?”
“Elsie,” I signed. “I’m a friend of Lexi’s. I came here today to see the
center.” I pointed around the sunroom. “It’s beautiful.”
 “It’s pretty here,” Clara signed back, and pointed out of the window.
I nodded my head and asked, “You like water?”
“It’s calming. Peaceful,” she signed. I pulled my chair opposite hers,
carefully placing myself in her line of sight.
I stared at the water too, now able to hear it’s gentle flowing current
through the open window above me. I must have tilted my head up for my
good ear to hear it. Clara’s eyebrows pulled down in confusion.
“You can hear?” she signed as I watched her forehead line.
I tapped my right ear. “I have some hearing in this ear.” I turned my head
to show her the aid that gave me partial hearing.
Clara leaned forward, looked, then backed away. Her haunted eyes turned
back to the river. She enquired, “What does it sound like?” I followed her
pointing finger and stared at the running river.
“The river?” I signed.
Clara nodded her head. I closed my eyes, wondering how to explain the
sound to a girl trapped in silence. Opening my eyes, I leaned forward and
traced my finger down her arm. I curved the invisible line I was making
until it fell away at her wrist. “Like that,” I signed. “Only imagine several
fingers increasing the volume.”
Clara stared down at her arm and retraced the path I’d just traced with my
finger. Her eyes closed and my heart melted when I saw a tiny smile tug on
her lips.
Her eyelashes fluttered against her cheeks and, when her lids opened, her
brown eyes weren’t quite as sad as before. Clara’s head dropped, when her
hands asked, “Have you always been able to hear?”
I shook my head. “I had a tiny amount of hearing, only about seven
percent. Mainly it was just little sounds, but nothing was clear. I had an
operation when I was eight and suddenly I could hear. It was strange at
first, but I had to learn how to deal with it quickly.”
“I can’t hear anything,” she divulged. “Neither could my mom.”
I remembered Lexi said her mom had died, and I replied, “My mom was
fully deaf too.”
Clara’s expression relaxed, then it morphed into sadness. “My mom died,”
she signed. “Last year. From cancer.”
A deep ache set in my chest because I understood what she was going
through. I reached out and gripped her hand, squeezing her small fingers in
support. Then I drew back, and confided, “My mom died too. Five years
ago.”
Clara’s eyes shimmered. “Do you have a dad?”
I shook my head. “It was just us. When she died,” I stretched out my
hands, and quickly signed, “I was put into a group home.” Clara sucked in a
breath, and I asked, “You have a dad?”
She nodded her head. “My stepdad. He’s nice, but he doesn’t really
understand me. He can hear, and he can sign, and he loved my mom with
all of his heart. But… but he moved us from California when Mom died. He
got a new job and said he needed a new beginning.” Clara stopped signing
and I could see anguish flit through her eyes. “I started a new school, but I
never really fit in.”
I noticed that her hands had started to shake, and I knew. I just knew what
was coming next. I knew because I’d lived it.
“It’s okay,’ I mouthed when I took hold of Clara’s hands. She read my lips
and pulled her hands back. I sat forward as she glanced out of the window.
“It was two girls mainly.” She brushed her hair back from her face. “I went
to a deaf school, so it wasn’t because of my lack of hearing.” Her eyebrows
pulled down. “I don’t know why it was, I could never think of a reason for
why they singled me out, but they didn’t like me almost from the minute I
arrived.” My stomach griped in pain, in sympathy.
Clara blinked back tears, but nothing else was said. I could see she was
lost in the memory, in the pain she was still living with each day. Reaching
forward, I held her hand and we stayed that way for a while, the two of us
watching the river flow past the house.
A lady came into the sunroom breaking our silence. I looked up to see her
carrying a tray. Two drinks and snacks were on the tray. She placed it down
in front of us. I smiled in thanks, and we were alone again. I caught Clara
staring at me.
“You okay?” I signed, dropping my hands only to place her drink in front
of her.
“You’re the first person I’ve been able to speak to since I got here. I have
to write everything down, but I don’t like to. The words staring back at me
hurt too much.”
I chased the lump away from my throat, and signed, “Well, I’m here now.”
Clara cast me a smile and asked, “Are you going to be here a lot?”
“Do you want me to be?”
She nodded her head, a blush on her cheeks. “It’ll be nice to have someone
to sign to.” She sucked in a deep breath. “I’ve… I’ve missed it.”
I swallowed. “Then I’ll be here most days. We can sign.”
Clara nodded and took a drink of juice. She didn’t say anything else as
many minutes ticked by. But neither did I. I heard Lexi’s voice before she
entered the room, and I turned to see her arrive in the doorway, a hesitant
smile on her face. “You ready to go, sweetie?” she asked.
I nodded my head, and rested my hand on Clara’s arm. Clara turned to me,
and I signed, “I have to go now. But I’ll be back tomorrow.”
Clara nodded.
 I got to my feet, readying to move, when I stopped and signed, “I know
how you feel, Clara. I understand how it feels. How it feels to be on the
receiving end of hate. To be hurt by others for no reason.” I patted my hand
on my chest and signed again. “I understand. You can talk to me.”
Clara’s eyes filled with tears, and she dropped her head, but I caught her
soft nod. Laying my hand on her shoulder, I signed, “Goodbye,” and walked
to Lexi who led me out to the parked car.
When we got inside, I couldn’t get Clara from my mind. I couldn’t get
how alone she must feel from my head. I couldn’t rid my mind of the deep
sadness in her stare, and I couldn’t rid myself of the fear, of the
hopelessness in her words.
“You okay, sweetie?” Lexi asked. I blinked back the blur from my eyes
realizing we were already on the road, driving home.
I nodded my head, then said, “She was so sad, Lexi. She… she was so hurt
and in pain.” I pressed my hand over my stomach. “It caused me pain to see
her that hurt.”
Lexi sighed. “Honey?”
I lifted my gaze to Lexi. “Yeah?”
“She’s like you.”
My heart fired off, its beat coming too fast. “What do you mean?”
“You have the same sadness in your eyes as Clara when I look at you. You
seem to be carrying the same pain inside you as she does.”
Lexi’s words stabbed me like daggers. Clara’s lost expression filled my
mind. I was like that? I asked myself. I thought of Clara’s hesitation as she
spoke, of the darkness that hovered over her like a rain cloud. And I knew,
deep down, I was like her.
I shuffled on my seat, the realization making feel uncomfortable. “How,” I
cleared my thick throat, “how did she try to kill herself?”
 Lexi tensed. “How do you know she tried to commit suicide?”
Without conscious thought, I ran my hand over my left wrist, over the
wide silver cuff that I never took off, and admitted, “I can see it in her
eyes.”
“The first time it was pills—”
“The first time?” I interrupted. Lexi sadly nodded her head.
“Yes. The second, she tried to gas herself. Her stepdad found her in their
garage with the car switched on, the garage door shut and a pipe from the
exhaust coming through the door’s window.” Lexi shook her head. “She’d
left him a note explaining how she couldn’t go back to school, that she
couldn’t cope with being the target of her bullies for one more day.” Lexi
turned to me when we stopped at a red light. “It was the first time he’d even
heard she was being bullied. The school hadn’t said a thing. They didn’t
even know. And that’s the problem we’re facing most days—the fact that
schools can’t see everything that’s happening under their noses, and that
those being hurt and torn apart each day rarely tell anyone what’s
happening. It might be embarrassment, shame or fear, but most of our kids
in the center never told a single soul that they were going through hell.
They simply suffered alone, until they couldn’t take it anymore.”
“I know. Like me,” I whispered. I shot a worried glance to Lexi who had
started to drive again. She exhaled through her nose, but didn’t say anything
in response. She placed her hand in mine and held it all the way home. No
judgment or questions… she was simply there for me.
When the car pulled to a stop, she asked, “I’m back there tomorrow at
eight if you want to come and see Clara again?”
“Yes,” I answered immediately.
Lexi nodded, then just as I was about to leave the car, she said, “I found
you on the missing persons register, Elsie.” All of the blood inside me
cooled to ice and my hand froze on the door handle. “The minute we
discovered your name, I searched for you and found an entry for Elsie Hall
from Portland, Oregon.”
I sucked in a strained breath.
“I announced you found, though from what I can tell, you have no family.
The missing person’s report was made by a Susan Addison, she runs a
group home for girls on the outskirts of Portland. It was made a few months
before you turned seventeen. The case was still open when we brought you
back here. It was filed when you ran from hospital, never to return.”
My whole being trembled with fear, with the fear that Lexi knew my past.
A hand pressed on my back causing me to jump. Still I didn’t turn round. I
couldn’t. I was paralyzed with fear.
“I haven’t told Levi. It’s not my place to say a thing to anyone.” Lexi took
a deep breath and continued. “I have an idea what you have been through,
Elsie. As in, I can piece together what might have happened to you in your
past. I’ve seen the reports from when you were taken into care, and why.
That’s your pain and this is your journey to find peace.” She moved her
hand. “But you have a boy in that pool house who I believe is already head
over heels in love with you, even if he hasn’t said so himself. And if I’m not
mistaken, I think that you love him back.” I closed my eyes and fought back
the rush of emotion welling to the surface.
Lexi sighed. “He’d understand, Elsie. Believe me. I don’t know what you
know of Levi’s past, of any of ours, but he would understand. Talk to him,
use that beautiful voice you keep hidden to confide in him. Believe me
when I say, from personal experience, the moment you let your demons
free, they don’t haunt you quite so much. And love does help; it ain’t a cure,
but it’s the beginning of the path to healing.”
 Lexi went quiet, and I forced myself to turn to face her. She was smiling at
me and I could see the kindness in her heart shining through her green eyes.
“I can’t… I can’t face talking about it all, Lexi,” I whispered.
Her head tipped to the side in understanding. “I know, sweetie. But with
trust and time, hopefully we can help you through. Hopefully one day
you’ll be able to see the rainbow after the storm.”
Leaning over the seat, Lexi pressed a kiss to my head. Movement from the
front door caught my eye, and I saw Austin walk out wearing a t-shirt and
jeans, with his sleeping son in his arms. I watched Lexi’s expression melt
when she saw her husband standing there, waiting to welcome her home.
“We healed each other,” Lexi said, without removing her attention from
her husband. “We were both lost and knocked down, but we held on tight,
and raised each other from the ashes. He brought me my rainbow, Elsie,”
she huffed a loving laugh and said, “he brought me the stars.”
I didn’t know what that reference meant, but I could feel the magnitude of
what he meant to her. Lexi slipped out of the car and I did too. I walked to
the back gate, staying out of sight. I glanced back, seeing Austin, with his
gang tattoos and intimidating stature, taking Lexi in his arms and pressing a
soft kiss on her mouth.
He brought me the stars…
I walked in a daze down the garden path to the pool house, replaying in
my mind the picture of Lexi too thin and sick, of Clara so frightened and
small on the large chair, and me so closed in and fearful of the world to ever
let anyone see my true self, to hear my voice. My different voice, but my
voice that I was starting to understand should be heard nonetheless.
I pushed through the door to the pool house, seeing Levi sitting at his
desk, studying hard. His fair hair was mussed and in disarray. And I knew
that I was falling for him beyond what I ever thought possible… he brought
me the moon.
Breaking his intense concentration, Levi lifted his head, that beautiful shy
smile lighting up his handsome face. “Bella mia,” he rasped, my heart
melting at the endearment.
Levi got up from his desk. He was dressed in a white sweater that clung to
his muscles, and blue jeans that sat perfectly on his legs. In seconds he was
with me, his thick arms pulling me to his chest. I wrapped my arms around
his back and held on tight.
Levi pulled back and asked, “Are you okay?”
I nodded my head, so overcome by how I felt, at the memory of being
joined with him on the bed. Standing on my tiptoes, I pressed a kiss to his
soft lips. The kiss was as beautiful as him.
I broke from the kiss and said, “I’m going for a shower.”
Levi looked at me strangely, but he simply ran his thumb down my cheek
and said, “Okay. I picked us up a pizza for dinner. We can eat it when
you’re out. You can tell me about your day.”
Nodding, I headed to the bathroom, when I saw my mason jar was
glowing stronger than last night. In the trash can beside the bed I saw a
newly emptied glow stick. I smiled—he’d refilled the jar. He’d kept the
light strong.
I showered as quickly as I could, the powerful hot jets immediately
making me feel better. I washed my hair, the coconut shampoo carrying
away the strains of the day.
I toweled off and wrapped myself in the robe that Levi had brought me.
After combing my wet hair, I entered the main room and Levi was on the
bed, a book in his hands. He smiled when he saw me come in. The pizza
was already on the bed. I stared at him from the doorway, and hurried to his
arms when he held them out for me to go to him.
I climbed on the bed and fell against his chest, his strong and warm arms
keeping me safe. “You hungry?” he asked. I shook my head.
“Not yet.”
“Okay,” he replied, and ran his fingers through my hair. “Coconut,” he
rasped. “I love that smell on you.”
I smiled against his chest, when he asked, “How was your day? How was
the center?” I detected the apprehension in his voice, because I knew he
wanted me to love it there. I knew it was because he thought it would make
me want to stay. What he didn’t realize yet was that I didn’t need the center
to stay—he was reason enough.
“It was life-changing,” I said quietly. I pushed up on my arms. Levi
watched me closely. “Lexi told me about her past. She showed me her
picture, of when she was sick.”
Levi swallowed and his olive skin paled some. “Yeah?” he questioned. I
nodded my head. “She told me about how she nearly died, about how
Austin helped her heal.”
Levi glanced away, then turned back to me. “It was real close, Elsie. She
was so sick, so was my mamma. I thought me and Aust were gonna lose
them both in the same week.” He inhaled. On his exhale said, “But we lost
only Mamma, Lexi fought back. She still fights every day… for Aust,
Dante…”
“For you,” I added. “She told me.”
“For me.” He sighed and I leaned my hands on his chest.
“She took me to Kind and I met Celesha.”
Levi nodded. “You’ll like her. She’s real good with the kids. And the staff.
She’s got a real pure heart.”
 “You go there?” I asked, and Levi nodded his head. “Most Sundays,
before I met you. I’m there when Austin’s not playing. Some weeknights
too. I’m not real good with talking to them, but I help in the office some and
throw the pigskin around with those that like football.” His finger ran down
my face. “I just hate seeing them so cut up like they are. Damn bullies, you
know? Assholes for making people that sad,” he cussed. I could clearly hear
the anger in his voice.
My confession was on the tip of my tongue. The scars from the past trying
to push through, to be free. But something stopped me from going there. I
didn’t know what, I guessed I just couldn’t relive that time yet. I was afraid
I wouldn’t be strong enough to cope with the demons it would unleash.
I lay back down on Levi’s chest. “I signed today.”
Levi stilled. “I didn’t know you could sign?”
“Yeah. I was at a deaf school until I was eight, then I had the operation and
they mainstreamed me. They wanted me to be amongst hearing kids. I’m
not too good, but there’s this girl there, at the center, Clara. She’s deaf, Lexi
and Celesha needed someone to sign, to encourage her to talk.”
“And did she? Talk to you, I mean?”
“Yeah, a little. She’s had a tough time.” My eyes fluttered closed at the
feel of Levi’s fingers in my hair. I sighed, content and completely safe. “I’m
going back tomorrow to speak to her some more. I… I want to help her.
She’s so sad. You can see it in her eyes. She’s in a lot of pain inside. She’s
completely lost.”
“That’s real good, bella mia,” Levi said and I smiled, loving how he spoke
Italian to me, loving that he called me his beautiful.
I closed my eyes, feeling the safest I’d ever been, when the conversation
I’d had with Lexi sprang to mind. My eyes opened when that thought then
drifted to my mom, and how she’d feel if she’d seen me like this… happy…
falling in love.
Tears pricked in my eyes, and I felt myself saying, “My mom told me to
hide my voice from the world.” I felt Levi tense underneath me, but I didn’t
move off his lap. I couldn’t look in those gray eyes without losing control. I
couldn’t see his handsome face and the understanding I knew I’d find when
I talked about her. Talked about that night… the day I got the news.
“From as young as I can remember, my mom told me not to speak to
anyone but her. She told me that people wouldn’t understand us, that there
was no place in this world for us.”
“Elsie,” Levi said when I paused. “Look at me, bella mia.”
I shook my head as my hands gripped onto his sweater. “I can’t, Levi. I
can’t look at you when I tell you this… just let me tell you. If I see your
face I won’t be able to get through it.”
Levi didn’t respond immediately, but then he said, “Okay,” and I relaxed
as much as possible.
“I know I told you that my mom had a hard life, that she was never given a
chance. She was my mom and I loved her with my whole heart. I felt sorry
for her every day as she struggled to get through to the next… unless she
had her drugs. Until she shot up with heroin… until she forgot.” I inhaled
the strong scent of Levi’s spicy scent, taking the strength he gave.
“We were mostly on the streets. We would live in alleyways or doorways,
sometimes with some of my mom’s ‘friends’, sometimes on our own.
Occasionally we would have an apartment or a room when my mom would
hook up with some new dealer or guy, but that never lasted long. All our
clothes and worldly possessions in one small bag.”
Levi’s hand dropped to trace lightly up and down my back. I inhaled
deeply. “And that was my life, every week living somewhere new, hiding
from the world was the reality of our life. My mom always managed to get
us somewhere long enough to have an address and collect her disability, but
we never had a home.
“I went to school, I kept my head down and I cared for my mom who,
most of the time, didn’t even realize I was there. Until she did, when she
would make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have a mom like
her. My heart ached at how broken she had been made by life. Her parents
rejected her, hiding her from their snooty friends. She’d been isolated from
receiving life’s tools. In most ways she was the child and I was the adult.”
I cleared my throat when I heard it beginning to break, and Levi’s arm
came around my waist. He didn’t pull me close, but I knew he was telling
me that he had me… he had me.
“One week at school, I could see a teacher watching me. I never spoke
aloud unless I was forced to, so I never asked her what was wrong. I was
fourteen, but I had no friends, no one to talk to or get help from. That month
my mom was having a really hard time. You see, I washed our clothes, I
stole us food… and I measured out her heroin.”
“Damn, Elsie,” Levi hissed.
I froze, knowing how bad that sounded. “She needed it, Levi. She needed
it. I could measure it out in quantities I knew should could handle.”
“What happened next?”
I breathed through the gutting pain building inside. I breathed and
continued. “The teacher had noticed that I was unwashed. I’d messed up
and hadn’t handed in my assignments. We had just been kicked out of
another apartment. The teacher informed social services, she’d told them
she was worried I was being neglected.” I sucked in a sharp breath. “When
they found us, we were in an alleyway, homeless, and I was measuring out
my mom’s nightly dose.” I huffed a disbelieving laugh. “She was dazed, in
need of her drugs when they took me from her.”
This time I felt the tears fall to Levi’s sweater. “I screamed, Levi. When
they took me from her, I screamed, and I fought them. I shouted for my
mom but she was drugged up, her needles lying beside her. She didn’t even
see I was being ripped from her arms.” I rolled my face to Levi, needing to
see him. Levi’s expression was as torn as I felt. I reached out for his hand.
He wrapped his big hand around mine and I held on for dear life.
“They took me to a group home, Levi. And they left her there, in that
alley.” I squeezed my eyes shut, seeing myself in the school the next day. “I
was sitting in my classroom, in Chemistry, when there was a knock on the
door. I saw the principal staring at me through the glass in the door, and I
knew. I knew they were coming for me. I knew it was my mom.” A sob
came from my throat, my eyes lost in the memory. “I jumped from my chair
as the principal and social workers entered the room. I backed away, trying
to escape what I knew they were about to tell me. But all I did was crash
into the wall—I had nowhere to go. I remember seeing the other students
watching me as I screamed. Watching me as I was led out into the
principal’s office where they told me what I already knew—she was dead.
She’d overdosed. She’d taken too much.” I looked up into Levi’s glistening
eyes and whispered, “I wasn’t there to measure it out for her, Levi. She’d
taken too much and she’d died in yet another alley she’d just stumbled into.
She died on the cold ground, alone, trapped in her world of silence.”
The sobs fell and fell. As I fell apart, Levi lifted me into his arms and
cradled me to his chest. He held me close, rocking me back and forth until
the tears dried up. Until my throat was raw and my skin was blotchy.
I blinked through swollen eyes and took a long deep breath. Levi pushed
back where I lay until he could see my face. Understandably, he hushed, “It
wasn’t your fault.”
My lips trembled. “I wasn’t there. She needed me. I wasn’t there.”
“I know, bella mia, but it wasn’t up to you to care for her that way. She
was addicted to drugs and she overdosed.”
“I was all she had, she was all I had. I never got to say goodbye, Levi. I
never got to put my hand on her face as she did mine and press our
foreheads together. I never got to tell her our version of ‘I love you’.” I held
my locket in my hand. “All I have is this necklace. This picture of her
smiling face. It’s all I have left.”
Levi brushed the tears from my face, and I continued. “Then they left me
in the group home. Me and five other girls. And I… I… it was…” My voice
cut out when the devastation ripped through, when those dark memories
began flooding my mind, stealing my voice and any composure that I had
left.
Levi took charge, rolling me onto my back and cupped my face in his
hands. “Elsie,” he called, as I tried to un-see their faces in my mind’s eye, to
un-hear their words, to un-feel their attacks. “Bella mia,” he said firmly,
“look at me.”
His face came into view and I focused on those gray eyes. I focused on
those unshaven cheeks and his beautiful olive skin. My unsteady heart
slowed. Levi breathed deeply; I breathed in rhythm.
My hands held onto his thick biceps as he gradually brought me down, his
eyes keeping me safe. He blinked, his long black lashes brushing his cheek.
Only this time, my breathlessness came from how deeply I felt for this boy.
This boy with the heart of gold, and silver hued eyes.
I lifted my hands to brush down his face. The silence was deafening and
the tension was taut. He is my rainbow, I thought, hearing Lexi’s words in
my head, and he... “You bring me the moon,” I found myself saying aloud.
For once, I didn’t guard how I sounded. I didn’t over-think the words, or
strive to pronounce them normally. I simply spoke… without fear, my real
uncut voice laid bare to his ears.
Levi exhaled, a breathtaking smile on his lips. “Then you bring me the
shine.” As his raspy voice replied, I brought his lips down to my waiting
lips and our mouths fused in a kiss. I fell harder and harder as his tongue
slipped against mine, and I gave my heart away.
Levi untied my robe, and he slipped his hands over my naked stomach,
pushing the material to the side. I gasped as he lowered his head, pressing a
kiss to my skin, following the path of his hands.
My back arched as my breasts were freed. Levi’s finger journeyed around
my nipples, my eyes fluttering closed. Soft lips were instantly on mine and I
melted into his kiss.
I pulled off Levi’s sweater and he slipped off his boxers and jeans. We
kissed and we kissed in the most beautiful way. When he slipped inside of
me, our gazes clashed and we never looked away. It was sweet, it was slow,
and it conveyed everything he felt. It gave me everything I needed right
now. It was loving, and it showed me just how much he cared. He cared for
me more than anyone else ever had.
I knew that now.
I moaned, feeling the pleasure building between us, and as I broke apart,
whispering his name, I watched Levi’s mouth part as he gave himself to me
too.
He fell to my neck, our bodies pressed together, slick and damp from
making love. I held on tightly to this boy, clutching him to me with my
arms around his back. “You make it easy to forget all the bad,” I whispered
into his neck, feeling him tensing in my arms.
 Levi reared back until his face hovered above mine. He stared down at me,
gave me a gentle kiss, then said, “You make it easy to only see the good.”
“Levi,” I whispered and he moved to lie beside me. As I lay beside him,
warm in his arms, I knew I needed to be braver. I needed to give him more
like he gave me. I needed to be the girlfriend he deserved, proud on his arm,
not the one he had to lock away, hiding her voice from the world.
I ran my hand up and down Levi’s arms, and said, “Levi?”
“Mmm?” he murmured sleepily.
“That football dinner?”
“Yeah?” he replied, his voice more alert.
“Do you want me to go with you?”
I held my breath waiting for his answer. Levi lifted onto his elbow and
searched my face. His eyebrows were pulled down. “You wanna come?”
I swallowed. “If you want me there… if you want me by your side, I’ll be
there.”
He sucked in a breath, then I lost mine when a huge smile lit up his face.
“Yeah,” he nodded, leaning down to press three kisses up and down my
cheek, “I want you there,” he said and I could hear the happiness in his
voice. “I really want you there.”
I blushed, ducking my eyes. “Then I’ll be there.”
Levi nuzzled his face into my neck and pulled me to spoon against him. I
closed my eyes, and felt some of the weight that always held me down, lift.
I’d told him half of my story, but not it all. Clara’s face came to mind and I
knew I’d be at the center as much as I could.
Maybe, I thought, just maybe, by helping her through, I might finally find
the strength—find my strength—to tell it all.
Entirely.
Unbarred.
 Without it killing me inside.
Maybe.

*****

A week and a half passed. The days I didn’t spend with Levi, I came to the
center and sat with Clara. Each time I lost more and more hope. If there was
a living embodiment of a soul destroyed, it was Clara. She would sit at the
window, staring out at the river, and I would sit beside her. She would make
small talk, she would occasionally smile, but I was convinced it was all
contrived.
Nothing I said or did seemed to lift her from her depression. It began to
destroy me that I couldn’t give her hope. Lexi and Celesha told me not to be
disheartened, not to give up, but to keep trying. I was at a loss; it seemed
like her inner light was fading with every passing day.
The rain came down hard as I walked into the sunroom, the heavy drops
ricocheting off the glass roof. I clutched my old notepad to my chest, and
took my usual seat beside Clara.
“Hello, Elsie,” she signed, without looking my way. Her eyes were back
on the river, watching it rush by, the current strong, swollen by the heavy
rain.
I placed my notepad on the table beside us, and moved into her line of
sight. “How are you today?” I signed.
Clara lifted her hands and signed, “Okay.”
I sighed. It was the same answer she gave every day. It was the answer she
gave to most enquiries, ‘okay’. It was as frustrating as ‘nice’ or ‘fine’.
My nerves built as I stared at the notepad sitting on the table. I hadn’t
spoken to Clara about my time in the group home; I hadn’t spoken to
anyone. I hadn’t spoken to anyone, had not disclosed my personal horror
and shame. Though I’d definitely opened my heart and poured out my soul
to something—that notepad.
After days of being unable to explain or help, or to tell her it would be
okay—because I wasn’t sure it would be, I wasn’t sure that it’d ever be—I
knew I had to try something different. I had no words for her to hear, my
sign language was too rusty to express what I wanted her to know—that I
understood. Everything. I understood it all.
The words from my heart were my best shot at helping her, at saving her
from the gathering dark.
I looked to Clara whose head was resting back on the chair, and I waved to
get her attention. Her sad, lifeless eyes rolled to me. I lifted my hands. “I
know you have probably heard it a million times, but I want to tell you that I
do understand.” Clara didn’t react, but she continued to watch me. This was
progress.
I tapped my finger on the notepad and signed, “I was fourteen when I was
taken into care. And I was sixteen when the bullying began.” Clara shuffled
forward an inch. That solitary inch gave me the hope to spur on. “Like you,
I didn’t talk, but I wrote. I wrote all of my feelings in prose, in poems.” I
paused. “I had to, or I wouldn’t have been able to cope for as long as I did.”
Clara frowned. I pointed to the notebook again. “Read it,” I signed. “These
are the poems from my darkest times. How I felt when I was alone, when I
had no one to turn to, and nowhere to go. When I felt like I couldn’t go on.”
Clara’s eyes dropped to the notepad, then flicked back to me as I rose from
my seat. “I’m going to take a walk, then I’m going to come back. Please
read this if you want to. Then perhaps we can talk, if you want to.”
I walked off, feeling like I was leaving a large part of my soul behind. But
I kept one foot moving in front of the other, praying to God that something
in that book would help her. Something, about the hell I went through,
would show her she wasn’t alone.
I walked and I walked; I couldn’t stop. I walked through the busy rooms,
waving at the teens who were seeking help and healing their hearts. I
walked out to the covered gazebo in the yard and I sat down. I sat for as
long as I possibly could. I stared at the river rushing by, cradling my hands
around my waist as the wind whipped through my hair. I wondered what
made it so fascinating to Clara. I wondered if it would fascinate me too, if
I’d never be gifted sound. Would I spend hours wondering what it sounded
like? Would I too become lost in its rhythm?
My leg started bouncing, and I couldn’t sit here anymore. Getting to my
feet, guessing that a good ninety minutes had passed, I headed back into the
sunroom to see Clara’s brown hair leaning back against the chair.
I approached slowly and cautiously, more out of fear of her having read
my poems than how she would be. Then I heard a soft sniff. I turned to face
Clara sitting on her chair, and my heart broke in two when I saw her cheeks
were wet and her eyes were red.
My book was clutched to her chest, open on a page.
“Clara?” I signed. “Are you okay?”
She watched my hands, and then nodded her head. I sat down before her
and she lowered the notepad, resting it on her lap.
“This one,” she signed, then patted her hand over her heart, “It is me,” she
added, a tear falling from her puffy eyes. “This poem is me.”
I flicked my gaze down to the poem, and I stilled. It was the one I used to
read most. The one that tore me apart. The one I’d written at the worst of
Annabelle’s taunts. The one I wrote just before I succumbed to their cruelty.
“Clawed Heart,” I mouthed on seeing the scribbled title of the poem.
Clara nodded her head and I watched as she started reading from the first
line:

“Spears from mouths, they fire at will,

Malicious and sharp, with poison they fill.
The venom is fast, destroying the vein,
Melting the flesh, racking with pain.
Invading heat, like rivers it flows,
Eyes firmly set, the place it hurts most.
Like ink it is black, polluting the light,
The words manifest, one goal in its sight.
The skin shreds away, leaving naught but bone,
It rips away life, leaving fear on its own.
It sweeps through the mind, taking happiness and soul,
With talons like razors, it moves, dipping low.
It creeps down the neck, tears the body apart,
The darkness consumes, the last bastion: the heart.
It wraps it in vines, strangling its breath,
It pierces with needles, no beat there is left.
The blood, it runs deep, its shell empty and bare,
The claws shred and they maim, ‘til there’s nothing left there.
The darkness it smiles, the weak they can’t cope,
Then it moves to the next, to victor cruelty, not hope.”

I breathed through my nose as I saw Clara’s eyes leave the page, and she
ran her fingers over the words, to victor cruelty, not hope… to victor
cruelty, not hope… to victor cruelty, not hope…
She traced the words three times, then pointed to herself. My skin crawled
with a feeling, the feeling of knowing. I knew what that line meant. I had
lived it. Was living it still, as was she.
“Cruelty,” she signed. “That’s what they do. They use cruelty to hurt, until
all hope fades away.”
“But you can fight it,” I signed, and Clara tipped her head to the side.
“Did you fight it? Have you fought it?” she asked, and I dropped my
hands.
She smiled sadly, then pointed back at the last two words… not hope…
Clara stared at that poem so hard that I took the notepad and ripped out the
page. Her brown eyes widened in surprise as I placed the paper on her lap.
She shook her head, and went to lift her hands. I stopped them from
moving, my hands over hers. She focused on my mouth. “It’s yours,” I said,
and watched her read my lips.
She dipped her eyes and said, “Thank… you…” My heart filled with light
as the heavenly sound of her stuttered monotone voice filled my ear.
“You’re welcome,” I mouthed back and squeezed at her hand.
I heard the sound of Lexi’s heels coming down the hallway to take me
home, so I could dress for the dinner tonight.
Sitting back, I signed, “Are you okay, Clara? I have to go.”
Clara inhaled a long deep breath, then she smiled. She smiled. And it
wasn’t fake or even small. She smiled showing me her teeth and she nodded
her head.
She lifted the poem in her hand, then put it back down and signed, “This
gives me hope. Thank you.”
I saw Lexi enter the doorway, and I got to my feet. For the first time since
I started coming here, I had gotten through to Clara.
My pain had helped. My words had shown her she was not alone.
Her reaction showed me I was not alone.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Clara, okay?”
 Clara reached up and caught my hand, squeezing my fingers. Nodding, I
pressed a kiss to the top of her head, then walked toward Lexi who was
smiling at me with pride.
We walked down the hallway, and when we got into the car, Lexi turned to
me. “You had a breakthrough?” she asked. Smiling, I nodded my head.
“It was one of my poems. It helped her.”
Lexi’s head tipped to the side. “You write poems?”
I hesitated, not realizing that I had given a secret away, but I answered
honestly. “Yes.”
“You’re quite the remarkable girl, Elsie,” Lexi announced, and patted my
leg. “I’m real glad you saw progress with Clara, it helps open them up to
talking. It’s the first step, Elsie. You should be proud.”
We rode home and all the way there I felt changed inside. I’d helped
someone see they weren’t alone. Even the nerves that were threatening to
rise at the trepidation of tonight, couldn’t steal this positive feeling.
Maybe, I thought, maybe there is a place for me in this world after all.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Fourteen

Elsie

“Just hold it there for one more second,” Ally said as she ran the powder
brush over my forehead and cheeks, one more time. I held still, the fat brush
bristles tickling my nose. Ally stepped back, her bright smile taking over
her face. Her brown eyes softened. “You look beautiful, darlin’, I’d kill for
that skin of yours.”
I blushed at her compliment, getting to my feet when Lexi walked into the
pool house. Lexi stopped, then she looked at me and put her hand over her
chest. “Elsie,” she said gently. “You look stunning.”
I glanced down at my gold dress which Ally had taken me out to buy, the
tight strapless sweetheart bodice, running into a flowing net skirt that fell to
mid-thigh. I was in heels—I’d had to practice walking in them—and my
hair was down my back in big thick curls.
Ally’s hands landed lightly on my shoulders. “Take a look at your makeup,
Elsie. I’ve kept it light seeing as you don’t really need a lot to begin with.”
Doing as she said, I looked in the mirror she held in her hands, and I
swallowed. I looked so different. I wanted Levi to like it.
“Well?” Ally asked, concern in her expression.
I pressed my hand over my chest. “Thank you, it’s beautiful.” Ally beamed
in response, and she handed me a gold beaded bag.
“You’re all set,” she said. I headed for the door. Levi was waiting in the
main house with his brothers. I’d already seen him in his team suit, and as
always, he looked breathtakingly handsome. Then again, no matter what he
wore, one look at his kind face and my heart skipped beat.
The wind was blowing stronger as the night rolled on. I took the thick,
cream dress coat that Lexi had lent me and held it close. I rushed over the
yard, not wanting to mess up all of Ally’s good work. I almost ran through
the back kitchen door.
The sound of voices that filled the kitchen suddenly dropped when I
entered. I looked up, wondering why the Carillo brothers had gone silent,
when I saw Levi step up from leaning against the kitchen island, his hand
gripping tightly the bottle in his hand.
I dragged in a slow breath when I saw that he was staring at me, his gray
eyes scanning my body, only to soften when they landed on my face. I cut a
glance to Austin and Axel, to see them smiling at Levi; the two darker
brothers, stood side by side, watching the youngest with amusement in their
eyes.
“Elsie,” Levi said roughly, as he placed his bottle down. He made his way
toward me, a warm blush dusting the apples of his cheeks. My heart beat
wildly as he approached. When he stopped before me, his hand went on my
cheek—a single touch that assured me he cherished me—and I nuzzled into
his palm. “You look so beautiful,” he rasped. I heard the back door open,
slicing through the heavy atmosphere we found ourselves in.
“Well?” I heard Ally ask in a loud voice. “What do you think, Lev?”
Levi dropped his hand and looked over my shoulder. “She looks
incredible,” he said shyly, then added, “but then she always does.”
“Aww,” Ally crooned and pressed a kiss to Levi’s cheek as she passed on
her way to get to her fiancé. She stopped by Axel’s side, and she nudged
him in the side. “You could take some tips from your little brother,
querido.”
 Axel pulled her closer into his chest, rolling his dark eyes. Ally laughed,
wrapping her arm around his waist.
“Let me get a picture before y’all leave,” Lexi said and crouched before
us. She pulled out her phone. Levi put his arm around my shoulder. I smiled
to the phone, then she pulled out another camera. It was bigger and yellow.
“And a Polaroid for my scrapbook,” she said. Levi laughed under his
breath.
“Babe,” Austin called from behind. “You planning to have them there all
night?”
“Hush!” she scolded, and snapped the button. A hand sized white picture
rolled from the camera. Lexi shook the picture before bringing it to us,
holding it out until the coating processed and our image came into view.
Butterflies burst in my stomach at how we looked on that picture, both of
our faces presented timid smiles. But we looked happy.
“You look amazin’,” Lexi complimented, her tight throat causing her
southern accent to become thicker.
“Can you put it in my room?” Levi asked. Lexi smiled at Levi like a
mother would look at her son.
“Of course, sweetie,” she confirmed. “I gotta frame that it’ll go in real
nice.”
Levi leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Lexi’s cheek, before taking my
hand. “You ready?” Levi asked. I nodded my head. My stomach rolled; my
butterflies flew away to leave only racking nerves.
We waved at everyone as we left the front room and we rushed into the
Jeep. The music was playing low as we belted up. I expected him to pull out
onto the road, but before he did, Levi leaned over the console and took my
mouth in a kiss. I sighed as his lips moved gently against my lips, his
tentative tongue slipping in to duel against mine.
 Levi’s hand wrapped in my hair. He broke from the kiss, breathless, gray
eyes leaden with need. “You look real fucking good, bella mia,” he rasped.
My heart beat wildly as he swore. Levi rarely cussed. I fought a smile. It
showed me how beautiful he truly thought I was. It made me feel like the
prettiest girl in the world.
Moving back to his seat, Levi pulled out onto the road, and all the way to
the hotel in central Seattle, he kept our hands entwined on my lap. As he
pulled into the parking lot at the fancy hotel, players and their dates were
entering the main door. I suddenly felt frozen by fear.
Levi held me tightly, lifting his hand to stall the valet that tried to come
and take our car. My nerves increased when I saw the valet look at Levi in
confusion. “We’d better go,” I hushed out, trying to keep the tightness from
my throat.
“No,” Levi pushed. “He can wait. I can see something’s wrong.”
“It’s just nerves, Levi. I’ve… I’ve never been to anything like this,
wearing fancy clothes, eating fancy food. I,” I sighed and shook my head,
“I’ve never been around this many people… I’ve never had to talk to people
like this. I’m,” I pushed down the lump clawing up my throat and asked,
“What if I have to speak? What if they hear my voice?” I felt sick just at the
thought of going in, my eyes drifting to watch the many girls glammed up
in dresses entering the dinner in groups. They were laughing, linking
arms… they were all so perfect and normal.
Just like Annabelle and her friends.
Everything I wasn’t.
“What if they do?” Levi said softly, as I looked to his understanding face.
“What if they do hear you speak?”
“It’s not like everyone else’s. I’ll…” I swallowed hard. “I’ll embarrass
you, Levi. In front of all your friends.”
 Levi’s jaw tensed, then he said firmly, “Bella mia, I promise you, it’s not
so different that people will judge you.” He leaned forward, his face an inch
from mine. “And I’ll be with you. All night, I’ll be with you. I can be your
voice if you need it, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. I promise.
Just… just trust me. I’d never do anything to upset or hurt you. You don’t
need to be so scared. You’ve got me, and I’m not letting you go.”
I read his face and watched his kissable lips promise me I’d be safe. And I
believed him. I knew he wouldn’t see me hurt. I knew he’d protect me no
matter what.
You have to take this chance, I persuaded myself. You can’t always live in
the shadows.
The sound of a horn blasted behind us, making me jump. Levi laughed at
my shock, shaking his head. Bringing my hand to his lips, he asked again,
“Are you sure you wanna do this? If it’s too much I can take you home. I
won’t be mad.”
As I watched his lips brush against my skin, I said, “No. I want to be here
with you, for you. I need to do this, for me too. I have to do this sometime.
Why not now?”
Levi gave me the brightest smile, then he opened his door. The valet
opened my door too and helped me out. I walked round the car and
immediately took hold of Levi’s outstretched hand. He proudly led me into
the foyer. I looked around in awe at the opulence surrounding us. “Crazy,
huh?” Levi said pointing the huge crystal chandelier hanging down from the
ceiling.
I nodded my head just as someone came over and asked if they could take
my coat. I shrugged it off, Levi’s storm gray eyes roving over my bare
arms. He licked along his lips. I caught the flush traveling up his neck.
 The moment was interrupted by Levi’s friends who came barreling
through the crowd with their dates in tow.
“Alabama, there you are!” the boy I remembered as Jake called, his
girlfriend, Stacey clutching his hand. Ashton came too, along with a few
other guys I hadn’t met and about four other girls. I immediately saw the
redhead girl standing near the back. I saw her watching Levi, my stomach
turning in possession. It was strange for me to feel like this toward someone
else, but Levi was mine, I didn’t like the surge of jealousy that sprouted
from someone looking at him with more than simple friendliness in their
gaze.
“Elsie, hey,” Ashton said, snapping me from my thoughts. I smiled as he
kissed me on my cheek, before moving closer to Levi’s side.
Jake did the same, as did Stacey. I was introduced one by one to Levi’s
friends, then finally, the redhead, Harper, stood before me. “Elsie, hey, nice
to see you again,” she greeted and kissed my cheek. I pulled back as
quickly as I could, my hands beginning to tremble. She reminded me too
much of Annabelle—the hair, build, the same fake smile that hid her true
intent. Even from the way she spoke, I could see Annabelle’s cruel eyes and
hear the voice that still kept me from sleeping at night.
The girl that, every night, haunted my mind.
The sound of a man clearing his throat came from the doors of the dining
room. “If you’d all like to take your seats, please. The dinner is about to
start.”
Levi glanced down at me with his eyebrows pulled together. I knew he had
felt my shaking hands, but I forced a reassuring smile. I would have to tell
him the deeper reason why I hated speaking so much, why meeting new
people—especially girls my age—caused cold shivers to race down my
spine and my stomach to flip. But I wouldn’t do it tonight. I didn’t want to
pull any attention. I would get through tonight, then I’d tell him.
I took a deep breath—I’d tell him it all.
Clara’s echoed words filled my mind when I told her to fight against the
damage done to her by her bullies. And her response couldn’t have been
more accurate when she’d asked me if I had fought the damage I’d endured.
Because I hadn’t, their words were still lodged in my mind, they held the
knives still piercing my heart.
Still.
After all this time.
I had to begin to try.
Tonight, I would try.
“Elsie?” Levi pushed, and when I looked about the room, I realized that all
of the people had already taken their seats.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I rushed forward.
Levi pulled me back, kept me still and cupped my face. “Are you sure
you’re okay? You’ve been acting strange since we got here.”
“It’s just nerves,” I replied, taking hold of his wrists. “I’ll be fine. I…” I
drew in a breath. “I’m going to try tonight.”
Pride engulfed Levi’s expression. “I’m so proud of you, bella mia,” he
rasped. “So proud.”
I fell into his chest, when Jake appeared at the doorway. “Alabama, you
best get in here. Coach is about to start and you know your ass’ll be doing
sprints into senior year if you come in late.”
“We’re coming,” Levi called in response and pulled me, hands clasped
together, into the room. My feet faltered at the sheer number of people
filling the huge space. But Levi kept tight hold as he threaded us through to
the table. And he didn’t let me go as many pairs of eyes stared at me—the
girl that had won Levi’s heart.
A hand signaled which was our table, and I saw it was Jake. When we
arrived at the table, there were two empty chairs, our names written on
place cards. We quickly moved to sit down when the coach stepped on to
the small stage. It wasn’t until I sat down that I realized I was sitting beside
Stacey. Harper sat beside her and the other girls I had briefly met were on
her other side.
Stacey leaned in close. “I refused to sit with Jake in place of sitting with
the girls. I see him all the damn time.”
I laughed with Stacey, shrugging at the fact she’d refused to sit with her
boyfriend. Then Levi’s hand squeezed my own. “You okay?” he mouthed. I
melted, knowing that he mouthed the question because he was sitting on my
deaf side.
I nodded my head. Coach started talking about the rest of the season. He
referenced certain players’ efforts, in particular Levi’s school record for
receiving yards and touchdowns scored. Levi ducked his head in
embarrassment as the coach focused the spotlight on him. This time it was
my hand that held his steady. He shook his head at being the center of
attention, and I laughed when his friends wouldn’t let him live it down.
The coach sat down and, after prayer, announced the beginning of the
meal. The people on our table chatted amongst themselves, until Stacey sat
forward looking my way. “So, Elsie, how did you meet Lev? We didn’t
even know he was dating anyone until we saw you at the game.”
Even though Stacey seemed friendly enough, my throat clogged. It
clogged when the other girls became silent, joining the clamor, all waiting
for my response.
 I opened my mouth, willing the words to flow, but I coughed and shifted
on my seat when the panic held them back.
“Family friend,” I heard said from beside me, and turned to see that Levi
had spoken for me, rescued me. I adored him at that moment, my heart
falling for him just that little bit more—if that was at all possible.
Stacey glanced to Levi and then back to me. “Nice. And are you from
Seattle, Elsie, or are you from Bama too?”
“Portland,” Levi answered and Stacey laughed.
“Levi Carillo, are you going to answer every question I ask Elsie or are
you gonna let your girlfriend actually speak for herself?”
Levi froze, and I could see him struggling to find an answer to help me.
My heart thudded too quickly and I could feel the panic setting in. But I
pushed through it all to say, “He’s just trying to help me, that’s all.”
I saw it the second I spoke. Everyone was watching me that little bit
closer. I saw Harper and the girls on the other side of the table glance at
each other. I knew, because I’d always known that my different sound was
more pronounced. It was more than Levi let on, but he cared for me, I was
his girl, he probably didn’t hear it the same.
“Oh, I,” Stacey sputtered clearly uncomfortable, and I laid my hand on
hers.
I freed my hand from Levi’s, then tapped my left ear. “I’m deaf in my left
ear and partially in my right. So Levi sometimes helps me with
communication.”
I felt eyes on me, and I wanted to do nothing more than run away and
escape their collective judgment. Stacey looked to Jake and shook her head
in disappointment. “You hear that, Jakey? See how much Levi does for
Elsie, and I can’t even get you to make me a damn cup of coffee on a
morning!”
 Levi’s friends laughed when Jake scowled at his girlfriend. Stacey batted
her hand and said, “You’ve got a good one there, Elsie. Don’t let him go.”
I turned to Levi, smiling. “I won’t,” I whispered and leaned in closer.
“He’s my everything.”
I didn’t know if anyone else was listening, because I was too busy feeling
the kiss that Levi was placing on my upturned mouth, then he declared,
“You have no idea how proud of you I am right now.”
I kissed him again, and happily listened to the conversations around the
table. I didn’t really participate for the next hour, but I didn’t mind. Because
I’d taken a chance and it hadn’t backfired. Yes, the stares hurt, as did the
uncomfortable silences. But I’d fought the voices in my head. I’d made my
first move to victory.
I couldn’t wait to tell Clara. Couldn’t wait to tell her that I’d begun the
fight.
When the dishes were cleared, Coach rounded up all of the team for a
team photo. I panicked when Levi had to leave me, but Stacey stayed beside
me even when her friends all went into the entrance room to get more
drinks.
I watched from the table as the coaching staff began positioning the
players into rows. I smiled at Levi standing to the back of the waiting team
between Jake and Ashton, listening to them talk yet saying nothing to
contribute.
My sweet shy guy.
“You’re both kinda fucking cute together, you know?”
I turned to Stacey and felt my cheeks heat. “He’s saved me. He’s good for
me. We’re good for each other.”
“I can see that,” she said. I held back a laugh when Coach made Levi stand
front and center. “He’s the star here at UW,” Stacey informed. “You good
with all the attention he gets?”
I faced Stacey and shrugged. “I don’t go to school here. I… I have been
working at a treatment center, so I don’t see any of it apart from the games.”
Stacey nodded. “But Levi’s clearly headed to the NFL, then that’ll be his
life. Look at his brother and the adulation he receives. Their lives become a
circus.”
My head whipped back to Levi and I felt my heart sink. I remembered
Lexi mentioned this to me weeks ago, but I hadn’t let myself think that far
ahead. I hadn’t let myself think about how our lives could be if we were still
together and he made it to the next level; what people might find out about
my past… that they might expect me to talk.
And that would be too much. Speaking to friends was one thing, but to be
public…
“Elsie, I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just making conversation.”
“I know,’ I whispered, watching Levi stare without expression into the
lens of the camera. The thought of all that attention terrified me, but looking
at him now, my Levi, my treasure, the boy that brought me the moon, I
knew I would have to learn to cope, because I couldn’t leave him.
“I’m just going to the washroom,” I said to Stacey. Her face fell and I
could see she thought that she had said something wrong. I put my hand on
her shoulder. “You haven’t upset me. I’m unfamiliar with all of this. It’ll
take me time to get used to it.”
Stacey smiled and I walked to the washroom, thankful that it was empty. I
stared at myself in the mirror and took a deep breath. “Hello,” I sounded
loudly, checking around me to make sure I was still alone. “I’m Elsie,” I
added. I winced, hearing my voice bounce off the high walls and sail into
my ears.
 Embarrassment swarmed all over me, but I forced myself to keep my head
high. I forced myself to fight my fears. Stacey hadn’t been bothered. The
other girls hadn’t really spoken to me after I did, but they hadn’t said
hurtful things.
Maybe it was just Annabelle, just those girls, I thought, and built up my
courage to see out the rest of the night.
I opened the door to the small hallway that ran to the foyer where the
drinks were being poured. I was about to walk through the room to go and
find Levi when I heard a female voice say, “She’s beautiful, I’m not
denying that, but her voice? I know it sounds bad, and I know it’s not her
fault, but I couldn’t listen to that every day. It’s kind of annoying.”
I stilled, my muscles freezing where I stood. Everything had frozen except
my lungs; they worked too hard and too fast.
I closed my eyes trying to convince myself that it wasn’t me they were
talking about, that another group weren’t mocking how I sounded. Then I
heard it; the imitation, the mimicking of my different vocal tone. “I’m
deaf,” one of them mocked; a different girl, but I could hear the monotone
of her impression of me.
The cutting impression that pierced my already clawed heart.
“Levi’s shy so it makes sense he’s drawn to her, but he’s Levi Carillo. He’s
gorgeous and can have anyone he wants. He won’t stay with her. I doubt
he’ll be able to cope with hearing that voice every day. And in bed? What
kind of noises must she make?”
Feeling like I was going to be sick, I found my feet pushing forward until I
rounded the corner. Just then, another of the girls imitated my voice, the
others laughing at her impression. Levi and Stacey walked into the foyer,
hearing the sarcastic impression as clear as I could. And Harper, Harper was
laughing with tears in her eyes as she clutched her drink in her hand.
 All I saw was Annabelle…
“Here she comes, girls! Dumbfuck! Please,” Annabelle taunted, her hands
clasped together in a prayer position as she faced me, “don’t speak, save us
from the sound! Our ears can’t take it!” The other girls laughed. They
laughed and they laughed until my head was swarmed with nothing but
their sound. And I couldn’t take it. I was so lonely, and tired and afraid. I
couldn’t take it…
I saw Levi come to a stop, pulling me back round from my bad thoughts. I
watched as rage overtook his face. Then his eyes drifted to me, standing in
the shadows, unable to hide my tears from the one person who knew my
heart.
“Shit, Elsie,” he called out. The girls in front of me paled and whipped
their heads round to look at me. It was the girls from our table, the ones that
had listened to me speak, apparently with patience and kindness. Now they
were ripping me apart. Harper stilled with what looked like regret on her
face.
“Shit,” one of the girls said and stepped toward me, but I pushed past,
needing to get away, needing to get air.
“Elsie!” Levi shouted after me, but I ran.
“You fucking cruel bitches!” I heard Levi snarl. “Who does that to
someone? Who fucking hurts someone like that?!” I could hear his anger,
his rage—something I’d never heard from him before.
I left it all behind, running out into the night without getting my coat,
gripping my bag to my chest. But I didn’t care about the cold. I didn’t care
about the rain as I ran into the dark street, turning left and rushing down the
sidewalk.
I ignored the people in my path, tears blurring my eyes, and my scars
burning under my cuffs—a stark reminder that people could be so cruel.
They were so fucking cruel that, at times, I couldn’t understand why some
humans were put on this Earth.
Why some people exist to mock and tear down others. What was missing
in their hearts to drive them to pick on others, to fire words like fucking
bullets—perfect aim, every time?
“Elsie, wait!” I heard shouted, not far behind me, then a hand clamped my
arm and pulled me round. Levi’s frantic face was suddenly all I could see,
but I was feeling more, feeling every name that had ever been slung my
way.
I shook my head, sobs pouring out of my mouth. “Why?” I cried, and
shook my head. “Why do people think that’s okay? Why do they have to be
so mean? Why does anyone want to make others feel like this?” I banged
my hand over my heart and spat, “Like knives are cutting my heart open?”
“Bella mia,” Levi rasped, his gray eyes tormented and lost. “Please, I
didn’t know they would do that—”
“I did!” I cut in. “I did.” I ran my hand through my dampening hair.
“Because it’s all they’ve ever done. It’s what people do when you’re
different. It’s what they do to keep you down, in the place not worthy of
them.”
Levi shook his head. “No, Elsie, they’re—”
Before I could finish, I ripped the cuffs off my wrists. I held up my hands,
the scars on my wrists facing him. He had to have seen them. The evidence
of what I’d done. What I’d done because of people like that.
“This is what people like that can cause! This is what their words can do.
This is what happens when people come at you day and night and shred
away who you are, or in my case, how you sound. They get you alone and
they attack. They attack like fucking vultures, and they pick you apart,
piece by agonizing piece until you can’t take it anymore. Until you’d rather
be dead than alive, hating the thought of one more day being hunted like
verbal prey. Because they leave their voice in your head. They plant it there
so, even when they’re not around, you still hear them screaming at you,
screaming that you sound horrible. That you’re an embarrassment. That you
sound stupid and awful. They tell you to shut up because they can’t stand
the sound of your awful voice.”
My body shivered with the cold, rain pouring harder, spoiling my dress.
“They imitate, they isolate, then they strike. I never knew it was possible to
tear apart a soul, a fucking soul that people can’t even see… but it is,” I
whispered, sobbing out the words. “You can’t see it, you can’t physically
touch it, but you feel it… you can feel the moment they tear it apart because
all that’s left afterwards is darkness and pain. A fucking great empty hole.”
I gasped for breath, my chest raw and sore. I could see people around us,
watching me, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t care about people anymore. All
they did was trick you into thinking they were nice, until you were
vulnerable, then they stole any semblance of hope.
Gentle hands took hold of my arms, and I jumped. “Bella mia,” Levi
soothed. I looked up into his gray eyes and even though it was raining, I
could see the tears on his cheeks. I could see the pain on his face.
“Levi,” I whispered. “Why did they have to be so mean to me?”
“I don’t know, bella mia,” he rasped and choked on his words. “Please let
me take you home… please, baby.”
Levi pulled off his jacket and wrapped it over my arms. I felt weak and
broken, but I let him lead me to the car already waiting out front. Stacey
and Jake were standing there, clearly having got us the Jeep, but I didn’t say
anything to them. A flash of red was suddenly next to Stacey and my
stomach dropped when I saw it was Harper.
“Levi, please, I’m sorry, I—”
 “Get the fuck out of our way, Harper. I swear, don’t fucking mess with her
right now!”
Jake pulled her back. I flinched. This wasn’t Levi. This angry, pissed boy
wasn’t the gentle Levi I knew.
The car was warm, but I shivered, the cold from the rain chilling me to the
bone. Levi pulled out on to the road, but my head was against the window,
hot tears still pouring as I replayed their words, each repeat like a slap to the
face: And in bed? What kind of noises must she make…?
Levi didn’t speak. My hands ran over my wrists and I closed my eyes at
the way I’d told him what I’d done; what, for months and months, I wished
had worked, until I met him.
The Jeep suddenly came to a stop and I jumped out, rushing through the
back gate. I heard Levi’s door slam and his feet pounding after me. “Elsie,
please, wait!”
But I kept running. I ran past the kitchen of the main house, immediately
seeing everyone inside and on their feet watching me closely. Levi entered
the yard and caught up to me. “Elsie, please, listen.” His thumbs ran over
my scars and he whispered, “What happened, bella mia? Please tell me. I’m
losing my mind. Your scars…”
I cried harder at the devastation in his voice, the voice I loved so much.
The kitchen door opened. “Please go away,” Levi snapped loudly to
whoever it was that came out. But I could see them standing at the doorway
and I turned to see Lexi, watching me, eyes red.
“Please!” Levi shouted louder and spun to see Lexi too. “What?” he
questioned, trepidation lacing each word. “What’s wrong?”
“Come inside, and out of the rain,” Lexi demanded and went back into the
kitchen. I didn’t want to follow. I didn’t like the tone in her voice.
 But Levi led me forward, taking me by the hand. We entered the kitchen. I
saw Ally’s expression fall when she caught sight of me.
“What’s wrong?” Axel asked, rising from his seat. Fresh tears trickled
down my face. Austin stood up too.
“Some girls from the dinner were caught ripping it out of Elsie’s voice,”
Levi said angrily, “she heard every word.”
“Fucking cunts,” Axel hissed, but I stared at Lexi, at Lexi’s sad face, and
knew it had nothing to do with my awful night. Something else had
happened.
“What?” I managed to ask. All voices quieted, all gazes focused on me.
Lexi shook her head, and clutched a piece of paper in her hand. I stared at
the piece of paper, at the rough torn edges, at the familiar lines….
And then it hit.
“Clara,” I hushed out and the pain was immediately back on Lexi’s face.
She stepped forward. “I got the call three hours ago. I had to go straight
there to deal with the police.”
“Is she okay?” Levi asked when I couldn’t. Lexi shook her head.
She looked straight at me. “Clara threw herself into the river tonight, Elsie.
She tied a large rock to her waist and threw herself in. She drowned. Her
body was recovered when the night nurse realized she’d snuck out of her
room.”
“No,” I hushed out, but barely made a sound. I had nothing left in me to
give. I had absolutely nothing left.
“She’d left this in her room. It had your name on the back and a small
note. I thought you should see it.” Lexi held out the paper and I took it in
my hand. I wiped away my tears. Seeing my poem, I noticed that a tear
splash had smudged the title ‘Clawed Heart’. A smudge that wasn’t there
when I left her this afternoon, a smudge caused by Clara’s tears.
 I stared at my poem, willing myself to turn the page. When I did, I saw the
message was short:

Elsie,
In the end it was nice to know that someone understood.
But you were too late.
Thank you for trying. I just can’t hear their voices anymore.
Clara x

I dropped to the floor as I read the words and I screamed. I screamed from
my throat until it was so raw that more screams refused to come. Warm
arms wrapped around me, but I asked, “What is wrong with people? What
is wrong with people that they hurt us until we prefer to die than live in
their world? What is so wrong with us? What is so wrong with them? I
don’t understand, because I couldn’t ever hurt someone like that. It’s
impossible for me to feel anything but disgust at the thought of hurting
someone that way.”
I lifted my wrists, and everyone saw my scars. “I couldn’t do it anymore. I
wanted to die, but I was found. I was found when I didn’t want to be. I was
found when all I wanted to do was go. To finally get their voices from my
head.” I hit my chest. “To take away the pain in here.”
“Elsie, please,” Levi said. I lifted my head to see him look—so sadly—
into my eyes. He dropped his forehead to mine. “Bella mia, please. Let me
take care of you.”
“Why do they do it, Levi? Why?” I whispered.
“I don’t know, baby, but you’ve got me. You’ve got all of us. And we
don’t wish you any hurt or pain.”
I collapsed against his chest, and, scooping me up in his arms, he stood.
 “Lev, you need help—”
“No,” he cut off Lexi’s words. “She’s my girl. I’ll take care of her. She
needs me.”
I held on just that bit tighter as we crossed the yard. Levi placed me on the
bed with a kiss on my forehead, then I heard the bath running. It seemed
only seconds before Levi stripped me of my clothes, then him from his. He
sat us in the large bath, the hot water cocooning us both in warmth. His
arms wrapped around my shoulders and he brought my back to lie against
his chest, his strong thighs trapping me in his embrace.
Tired and numb, my head fell back against his shoulder. Levi sighed into
my hair, his forearm wrapping around my chest. I stared straight ahead,
focusing on a single chip of paint on the white wall of the bathroom. My
eyes itched at how raw they were, yet my tears had dried. It wasn’t because
I felt any less hurt, but my tear ducts were exhausted.
I was exhausted.
I’d been exhausted now for two years.
And I was done.
“Bella mia,” Levi said softly and dropped a kiss on my shoulder, “how are
you feeling?”
“Tired,” I replied. Levi’s arm tightened across my chest and I lifted my
hands to wrap around his wrist. I needed to feel that he was truly here with
me. I didn’t want to be alone. I was tired of being alone. “I’m so tired of it
all.”
“Of what, baby?” Levi asked cautiously.
“Of it all.” I dug my fingers into his arm. “Of why some people make it
their life’s mission to cut others down. Of why some people live only to
make others suffer. Of those people never understanding what it feels like to
be on the receiving end, to be living in a constant nightmare of their
making, their face the demon, their voice and treatment the dagger in the
heart.”
With his free hand, Levi brushed back the hair from my face. Picking up a
sponge to run over my body, the feel of water trickling over my cold skin,
soothed some of the ache.
I blinked away the blurring of my eyes, and said, “My mom was the
product of people that purposely kept her down. It was why she needed the
drugs. Why she turned to drugs. To numb the pain. Because it isn’t a pain
you can relieve with pills. This pain exists too deep, it’s as unreachable as it
is untreatable. It exists on its own plane, and only if you’re lucky can you
cope with it.” I sighed. “My mom wasn’t one of those people. She took the
drugs to numb it, until the drugs took her. She didn’t fight. She didn’t even
try.”
Levi ran the sponge up my arm, bringing it to my hands on his wrist. I felt
his chest tense against my back, and I understood why when he took one of
my hands and pulled it back. I left it hovering where he left it, and with the
sponge, he ran it down my inner wrist, the warm water running over my
scar.
I felt his breathing change, grow choppy, and with a cut and sad voice, he
asked, “What happened, Elsie? What happened to you to make you do this.
To want to end your life?”
He peppered kisses along my neck, and instinctively, I tipped my head to
the side to allow him access. I knew he was trying to help me, to show me
with his pure heart that he was here for me, he was caring for me, but his
question evoked memories I’d tried to keep hidden, locked away. His
question set them all free.
As though as I could physically feel the darkness those girls brought into
my life, my body tensed as I heard their laughter flood through my mind,
and their words skewer my soul.
I gripped Levi’s arm and he pulled me as close as he could. “Her name
was Annabelle Barnes, and she came into my life when I was sixteen.” I
paused, her name pulling difficult feelings from within.
“When you were in the group home?” Levi asked.
I nodded my head, as he repeatedly stroked back the hair from my
forehead. It felt nice. “I was put into the group home when I was fourteen,
after my mom passed. There was no room left in foster care, so they took
five of us and put us in the group home. The women that cared for us were
nice, and the other girls…” I shrugged. “I didn’t speak to. I didn’t speak to
any of them. The only time I would was when one of the staff asked me to
answer them back. Most were fine with my notes, so I could mostly keep
my voice hidden. They didn’t judge me, the girls ignored me, and I kept to
myself. It was a lonely life, one I didn’t like, but I didn’t hate it either. I
missed my mom something fierce, drowning in a world of little hearing and
no purpose, but I was carrying on. I was getting through.”
I flinched, remembering the sound of Annabelle walking through the door
that first day. Of her putting her things on the spare bed in my room. Of her
angry eyes and her haunting face.
“Then when I was sixteen,” I explained, “Annabelle came to the home and
my life changed.” I shifted against Levi’s chest, but he held me close.
“I got you, bella mia. I got you.”
I closed my eyes and exhaled through my nose. “From the minute she
arrived she was angry. I don’t know what had happened to her in her
original home. I never found out, she never talked about it, but it made her
bitter. Nasty. It made her cruel… and I became her target.” I shrugged. “I
was an easy choice, I suppose. I was quiet. I stayed in my bedroom, reading
and writing poetry, while the other girls in the house immediately wanted to
be her friend. I think it was fear of her that had them going along with
anything she said.”
Levi’s hand had stopped moving on my head, and I could hear his heavy
breathing. I could practically feel the anger radiating from his body. But
now I’d started, I wanted him to understand. It was the final part of me that
was hidden—it was the most important part.
“At first I’d feel her stares as we were driven to school by one of the staff.
She’d sit opposite me and she’d watch me, silently, no expression on her
face until I was unnerved. That quickly escalated to whispers with the
others girls, pointing at me and laughing—but always where the staff
couldn’t see. I would never have told on them, I thought it would only make
matters worse.”
“Elsie,” Levi murmured. “I—”
“It didn’t matter either way, because it did get worse. So much worse.” My
voice shook, and Levi turned my head to face him with his finger under my
chin.
“You don’t have to tell me yet, if you’re not ready.”
“I have to,” I whispered, unable to stop my flow of words if I tried.
Levi didn’t question me or argue, he gave me a simple kiss and pulled
away. I rested my head back on his shoulder. “It started slowly, but she
began to find me at school, in the washrooms or out in the yard. She’d
hover near me, never letting me out of her sight. The other girls from the
house did anything she said. But it was worse at home. My things started to
go missing. She’d destroy my homework in front of my face, smiling as I
watched her do it. She’d try to make me talk, try to coerce me into
arguments, but I stayed quiet.
“Then we got a new carer, Abbie. She was lovely, but she wanted more
from me. I knew she was trying to help, but instead of letting me write
down my questions and answers to the others in the house, she wanted me
to speak. She had read my file, she knew I could, and she thought she was
helping by encouraging me to talk. She thought she was building my
confidence—her good intent did the opposite, causing it to be destroyed.”
I swallowed, and my chest burned when I thought to the day I finally
spoke. “We were sitting around the dinner table, and Abbie asked me about
my day. I pulled out my notepad to reply, when she put her hand over mine
and shook her head. “Speak,” she said. I panicked and looked around the
table seeing Annabelle smile, triumphant. It was the moment she’d been
waiting for, and I knew with just one look, when my voice fell past my lips,
that I had given her the ammunition she needed to attack.
“Later that night in my room when I laid down to sleep, I heard her
laughing in her bed. I remember freezing, embarrassment surging through
my veins, because I knew it was at me. I squeezed my eyes shut, when she
started making strange noises. Then I realized what those noises were
meant to be—me. My heart raced as I tried to ignore her, then I felt the bed
dip. Her arms pressed to the mattress on either side of my body. I was
paralyzed with fear. But she didn’t hurt me like I thought she was about to
do. I opened my eyes looking up at her and she was watching me. “What’s
it like to be dumb?” she asked and my heart fell. “That’s what it is, right?
When you speak like a retard? Dumb? Deaf and dumb, because you sound
fucking stupid when you speak?” she raised her voice, and clogged her
throat to sound like me. “I’m Elsie Hall, and I’m a fucking retard,” she
mocked. I turned into the mattress. Her hand was suddenly in my hair and
she yanked back my head, gripping my cheeks in her hand. “You don’t turn
from me until I tell you to, dumbfuck.” She paused and started laughing.
“Dumbfuck, that’s you, dumbfuck.” She jumped off my bed, leaving me
terrified, with tears in my eyes.”
 “What a fucking bitch,” Levi said, but I felt the panic at reliving that
moment.
“It just got worse. In school she’d make ‘deaf’ noises at me whenever I
passed and everyone just laughed. At home she would come over to my bed
when everyone was asleep and mimic me until I cried. When I cried she’d
laugh. I couldn’t sleep. It was all day every day. Eventually I couldn’t cope.
But the final straw came when I walked into my room to see Annabelle and
the other girls on my bed… with my notepad, the notepad that held all my
poetry, and I knew it was going to be bad.”
Tears this time did prick my eyes, then ran down my cheeks when I
thought of the poem that had them laughing at me. “It was the poem I’d
written for my mom—”
“Heaven’s Door?” Levi guessed, and I nodded my head.
“When Annabelle saw me in the doorway, she got to her feet, and
imitating my voice, she read that poem aloud. And every precious word she
mocked and polluted with her cruelty. That poem was my tribute to my
mom, my little goodbye, my soul poured on a page. And she sullied it,
destroyed it in seconds. She then approached me as she finished the poem. I
was standing there with tears streaming down my face, feeling she was
spitting inside my exposed heart, when she asked, “Tell me, dumbfuck, was
your druggie mom a stupid retard too?” And at that point, after a year of
incessant bullying and mental torture, I walked away and to the kitchen
downstairs. Pretending I was making a snack, I snuck the sharpest knife I
could find into my pocket and went into the bathroom.”
Levi stiffened.
“I ran a bath, just like this, and got in.” I shook my head. “It was funny,
because I knew what I was going to do, but I felt more at peace sitting in
that bath facing my own death, than I had since my mom had died, than I
did waking to face Annabelle everyday. As calm as possible, I took the
knife, and made two swipes across my wrists. I laid back, and let the life
drain from my veins.”
I felt Levi wiping at his eyes, but I was lost in the moment. I had to finish.
“I stared at the ceiling the entire time, and I remember smiling. I smiled
because I knew that I’d be at peace anytime. I smiled because I knew I’d
see my mom again, soon—no pain, no drugs—happy and in Heaven. I
smiled as I recited my poem, the poem they’d so viciously mocked: I’d
search the world for Heaven’s Door, over mountains and valleys, each
sandy shore. I’d find the stairway, soaring through clouds, I'd climb each
step, without making a sound. I’d arrive at the door of glimmering gold, I’d
slip through unnoticed, not stirring a soul. I’d gasp at its beauty, at its
rivers and trees, I’d stray from the paths, I’d hide among leaves. I’d tiptoe
unseen, under sun and sky blue, I’d search every corner until I found you.
I’d capture a tear, catch a glimpse of your hair, as you danced and you
twirled, without any care. You’d smile and you’d laugh, like a bird you’d be
free, I’d try not to cry, you’re there without me. I’d stay my hand from
touching your face, from calling your name, to feel your embrace. You’d
open your mouth and your voice would be pure, I’d treasure the sound, no
more pain you’d endure. I’d stay ‘til the sunset, when I’d have to leave, a
pain in my heart, my spirit in grief. I’d blow you a kiss, let it drift to the sky,
I’d whisper ‘I love you’ and bid you goodbye. I'd pass through the door, I’d
descend out of view, Knowing that one day, today, I’d again be with you.”
I closed my eyes, cradled into Levi’s chest as that poem slipped from my
mouth. I could feel the happiness I felt that night as I began to fade away,
the water turning red around me.
“Baby?” Levi rasped, as he tucked his nose into my neck. “I can’t deal
with the fact you did that.” He took in a ragged of breath. “That you felt so
alone that you’d do that to yourself, that the bitch brought you to this
point.”
My chest ached so much that I rubbed over the skin trying to alleviate the
pressure. It didn’t work. “I woke up in the hospital the next day, and my
first feeling was one of despair. Complete despair that I’d failed, that I’d
been found. That I was still in this horrible world. I felt that way for days
and days. I knew I wasn’t going to go back to that house, so when I was
able, I dressed in the clothes the staff had brought me, took my notepad that
Abbie had brought too, and I ran.” I turned my head to Levi’s, still tucked
into my neck. “I was running until the day you found me. When I
stopped… because of you.”
Levi was silent as he held me close in his arms. But I was raw and
exposed, and I felt uncomfortable in my skin.
My thoughts drifted to Clara and the lost look in her eyes. I flinched,
realizing I’d read her all wrong. She wasn’t looking to be saved, she just
wanted to leave this world knowing that she wasn’t alone. I’d given her that
out.
“I thought I’d helped her,” I confessed, and felt Levi raise his head.
“Clara?” he asked.
I nodded my head and turned, closing myself in against Levi’s warm body,
the water turning cold around us. I rested my cheek on his chest. “With my
poems today, I thought I’d helped her. Turns out I’d helped her in her
decision to take her life once and for all.”
“Bella mia, listen,” Levi said. He lifted me until I was higher in his arms.
His bloodshot eyes looked down at me. “I’ve been helping out at Lexi’s
center since we lived in San Francisco, and sometimes, there’s nothing you
can do if someone doesn’t want to fight. I saw it a few times with the
people who had eating disorders. They didn’t want to live anymore, so they
didn’t. And I’ve seen it here Seattle, with the bullied kids. Clara isn’t the
first suicide we’ve had, she’s just the first one you’ve seen. We help more
than we lose, a hell of a lot more, but sometimes they’re just too damaged,
too scarred, to moved on.”
“Like me?” I asked, unsure if I was one of those girls. The girl that hides
her voice because she can’t cope with one more harsh word said against
her… because it could be the one to finally break her, to make sure the next
time she held a knife to her wrist, she’d see the suicide through.
“No,” Levi pushed, “Not like you. You’re a fighter, you’ll push through.
Look at how much you’ve changed since being here, with me.”
“Because of you,” I said, and smiled.
But Levi shook his head. “No, because of you.”
I closed my eyes, but I shivered in the cold water. “Come on,” Levi said,
and pressed a kiss behind my ear. “Time to get out.”
I let Levi help me from the water. I let him pat me down with the towel
and wrap me in a robe. I let him lead me to bed, lights off, but for the jar by
my side, and the plastic stars twinkling on the ceiling.
The minute we were in the bed, Levi wrapped me in his arms. “Do you
know what I wish for, Levi, what I hope and pray for all the time?”
“What, bella mia?”
“That people have one thought, one instinct: Be kind-hearted. Simply be
kind of heart.”
Levi exhaled into my hair. “It’s a good wish to have for people, baby.”
“But it won’t come true. Just look at my mom, look at me, now look at
Clara. It never ends.” My heart physically ached at that truth. “Why can’t it
end?” I swallowed, my throat raw from tonight. “Words are the worst kind
of ammunition. Physical pain fades in time, but bullets of cruelty forever
penetrate the soul.”
 Levi didn’t say anything in response. What was there to say to this sad
truth?
As we closed our eyes to sleep, I heard my mom’s voice: there’s no place
for us in this world, baby girl. Even as I lay here in Levi’s arms, safe and
adored, I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d been right.
I wasn’t sure I could live with this fear anymore.
I was sick of hiding my voice.
I was sick of the power people had over others.
… To victor cruelty, not hope…

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Fifteen

Levi

I opened my eyes, my head banging like I’d been hit by a truck. I stared at
the wall beside my bed and immediately felt my stomach drop. I’d hardly
slept all night, too busy holding Elsie in my arms, my mind circling with
what she’d told me, how she’d opened up… and I felt shamed. Shamed that
I hadn’t seen those scars, never questioning why those cuffs were around
her wrists. And those girls at the dinner? Those cruel bitches…
I gritted my teeth, my blood boiling with rage. I took a deep breath, and
turned in the bed, my arm reaching out to pull Elsie close. I frowned when I
felt her side of the bed was empty. I sat up when I felt the linen beneath my
palm was cold.
Throwing the comforter off me, I searched the room with my eyes. “Elsie,
bella mia?” I called, but there was no reply.
I looked to the clock on the wall, and my eyes widened when I saw it was
nearly midday. I’d slept in. I took a deep breath. Elsie was probably in with
Lexi. After losing Clara I wondered if she’d gone to the center.
I threw on a Huskies Football sweatshirt, sweatpants and my chucks and
ran across the yard. The day was dry, completely different to last night.
I entered the kitchen through the back door, only to see Lexi with Dante
and Austin sitting at the table with coffees. I quickly searched the front
room.
“You okay, Lev?” Austin asked.
“Is Elsie in here?”
 Lexi and Austin looked to each other with questioning glances. “No,”
Austin said and got to his feet.
My pulse kicked into a sprint. I looked to Lexi. “Could she be at the
center?” Lexi lowered the spoon she was feeding Dante with.
“I’ve just been there, Lev. I’ve been with Celesha all this morning taking
care of Clara’s family and all the paperwork for what happened.”
“And she wasn’t there?” I affirmed, dread setting in my chest.
Lexi shook her head and I ran my fingers through my hair. “You can’t find
her?” Austin questioned.
“She ain’t in my room. I slept in. I got no sleep last night after dealing
with Elsie…” I shook my head, “the shit she told me… what she’s been
through.” I looked to my brother, then Lexi who had stood and was by her
husband’s side. “Last night, what those girls did and Clara too. She’s lived
that. She, she nearly died, Lex.”
“I know,” Lexi said quietly and all my breath rushed from my lungs.
“You knew?”
Lexi’s face fell. “I checked on her records, Lev. She was a runaway. She
ran from a group home after she’d been in hospital for attempting to
commit suicide. I saw the scars the first night we brought her back here
when I cleaned her up.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It wasn’t my story to tell. You know how I feel about forcing someone to
talk about their past. It normally does more harm than good. I know this
first hand.” Austin wrapped his arm over her shoulders and pulled her
closer. Dante squirmed in her arms and she kissed him on his chubby cheek.
“Lev, I didn’t know what she was dealing with, if it was something she’d
moved on from or whether it was still part of a struggle.”
 “It’s a struggle,” I rasped, thinking back to her numbness last night, of her
haunted stare and sad voice as she told me about Annabelle and her suicide
attempt. “A real struggle. And after last night…” I turned away, panic
setting in. “She wasn’t right. She told me about trying to kill herself, and
she told me how she’d wanted to die.”
I stilled. “What if last night brought it all back? What if…” I trailed off
unable to finish that sentence.
Austin gripped my arm. “Don’t, Lev. Don’t fucking do it.” He pushed me
toward the door, back to the pool house. “We’ll find her, come on.” Spurred
on by Austin’s words I ran back across the yard, briefly stopping at Lexi’s
craft shed. It was empty.
When I was back in the pool house, I rushed to the bathroom, finding it the
same with nothing moved. Next was the closet. Most of her clothes were
there, but I saw her jacket, scarf and hat were gone, as were her Uggs. And
my hoodie. The hoodie I’d given her that first night she came into my room,
returning my stolen rosary. It had gone from the hook on the door.
“Anything?” Austin asked as he stood the center of the main room. I
shook my head, wondering where the hell she could go when I looked to
her bedside table.
“No,” I whispered, my eyes shutting as reality hit.
“What?” Austin pushed and I met my brother’s eyes.
“Her jar’s gone.”
Austin’s expression was of confusion. “Jar?” he questioned.
“Her lightning bug jar, like the one’s in Dante’s room.” I felt my face heat.
“I made her one. She didn’t like the dark, and I told her about Mamma and
how she’d make us real ones.”
“Fuck, Lev,” Austin hushed out and came to pull my head in his arms.
 “She’s gone, Austin. Ain’t she? She’s fucking gone.” I pulled away from
my brother to look into the small pot where her jar’s glow sticks were held
—gone.
All gone.
“We’ll find her. You know where she used to go before she came here?” I
shut the drawer and nodded my head. Austin slapped me on the back. “She
probably just needed some air, Lev. Shit, she went through a lot last night.
She won’t be gone. She won’t have left you.”
I wasn’t so sure. Grabbing my keys from my desk, I looked at her side
table and raced to its drawer. When I opened the drawer and found her
poetry book was gone, along with the book I’d gotten her for her birthday, a
part of me knew, it just knew, that she hadn’t just gone out for air.
She’d gone for good.
“Lev?” Austin pushed, waiting by the door. “Let’s go.”
I followed him out of the door, my hand in my pocket as it ran over the
wooden beads I always had with me. And I prayed, I prayed on every single
bead that we’d find her and that she hadn’t done anything to hurt herself.
I climbed in my Jeep and pulled out onto the road. The tension in the car
was thick. I couldn’t calm. I just kept seeing her tortured eyes. Kept feeling
her limp in my arms as I washed and held her in the bath.
I’d known she was hurt, was broken, but I never thought it ran this deep. I
never imagined bullying could have been this soul destroying until Lexi
opened the center. It made me realize how vicious some people’s words
could be.
Austin stared out of the window as I drove to the alley I’d found her in.
“You ever seen anyone get bullied, Aust? Like, real bad?”
Austin shrugged. “I saw kids get beat up or roughed around, but I think the
kind of bullying Elsie went through is the kind that no one sees, yeah? The
kind that fucks with your mind?”
“Yeah,” I rasped, remembering her telling me how Annabelle cornered
her, imitated her and laughed in her face.
“Do you think her voice is different? Elsie’s, when she speaks?” I shifted
in my seat. I could feel Austin’s eyes narrow.
“She does sound different, Lev, that’s a fact. But fuck, it ain’t nothing to
be embarrassed about. It’s not too prominent. And even if it was, who the
fuck cares?” Austin paused. “Why? You think it is bad?”
“No!” I snapped, anger filling me. “I don’t hear it. I don’t see what people
picked on her for. And at our age too. I never thought people did all the
bullying crap past high school.”
“I think you can be bullied at any age, Lev. Age don’t have nothing to do
with insecure fuckholes picking on others to make themselves feel better.”
I shook my head. “I just don’t hear her voice being different. I love it. I
love nothing more than hearing her laugh, and speak… to say my name
aloud.”
“It’s because you love her, Lev. You don’t see her imperfections, and if
you do, you love her more for them.”
“I…I…” I stuttered, my face blazing with heat.
“It’s okay, kid,” Austin said quietly. “It’s okay to admit that you love her.
It’s okay to open yourself up to allow yourself to love. You’ve fought
getting close to anyone for too long. Elsie fucking smashed through that
wall.” He huffed. “Funny for someone so timid and shy, for someone who
doesn’t make a sound, to finally plow through your heart.” I stayed quiet,
my heart beating too fast.
“I just want her back and safe. I ain’t sure I know what life looks like
anymore without her in it.”
 Austin’s hand landed on my arm as I parked up near the alley. “We’ll get
her. Just see.”
Austin paid the meter as I ran into the alley, my feet pushing pavement,
my eyes searching every inch. Hope sprung in my chest when I saw
someone hunched at the far corner. “Elsie!” I called and picked up speed.
I heard Austin enter the alley, and I crouched down, recognizing the
blankets I’d bought her. “Elsie,” I called again, placing my hand on the
body. The person’s arm flinched and they woke up, an old man’s face
looking up at me through fearful eyes.
I jumped back, standing straight with my hands in the air. “Sorry,” I
apologized. “Have you seen a young girl, nineteen, with blonde hair in this
alley?”
“Fuck off,” the man grumbled. I closed my eyes, losing faith, having no
idea where else she would go. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out some
cash and laid it before the man. He snatched it in his hands and I walked
away, Austin shaking his head.
“She isn’t here?”
“No,” I replied, leaving the alley and running my gaze over the busy
street. “I have no idea where she might have gone.”
“You brought her out for the day a while back, yeah?” Austin questioned.
“Yeah, we went all over Seattle.”
“Then we’ll retrace your path. Maybe she’s following those footsteps?”
Austin stood before me. “It’s worth looking, Lev. Let’s just keep looking for
your girl.”
I nodded my head, deciding to start at the original Starbucks. She wasn’t
there. She wasn’t at the boat cruise, she wasn’t at the space needle. She
wasn’t at the Ferris wheel, or the Italian restaurant, or even the poetry
coffee shop. We searched for hours, until darkness set in and anywhere I
thought she could have gone had been exhausted.
With nowhere else to go, I drove the Jeep home in total silence. I was tired
and aching from trudging around the city, but more than that, I was
devastated, devastated because I knew in my heart that she’d gone. But
worst of all, I didn’t know if she’d simply ran away, or whether she’d done
something worse, something I couldn’t save her from. I pictured the scars
on her wrists and I couldn’t breathe.
What would I do if she’d finally gone through with it?
I pulled to a stop outside of the house and Austin went to speak. I met my
brother’s dark worried gaze and I shook my head. “Don’t,” I rasped. “I just
can’t, Aust.”
Austin sighed and ran his hand down his face as I got out of the car and
walked through the back gate. I prayed on the final bead on my rosary that
she was sat on the bed, waiting for me. When I opened the door there was
nothing here.
Just darkness.
No lights were on in the room, but I looked up and the plastic stars were
shining, but not the jar, not Elsie’s light. I was drowning, fucking drowning
in worry.
In pain.
After staring at that bare side table, the missing damn stupid glow stick
splattered jar, I turned on my heel and needed to get the hell away. I ran. I
sprinted as fast as I could to my Jeep, ignoring the sound of Austin yelling
from the front door, ignoring my cell when he tried to call.
I had one place I wanted to be. The only place I ever felt at peace.
It took twenty minutes. Twenty minutes and the start of rain to reach the
warehouse. Keeping the rosary in my hand, I entered the warehouse,
walking straight to the angel and ripped off the sheet. My breath hitched as
it always did when I saw her glowing face, the side of the angel where she
had risen from the ashes.
Tears pricked my eyes and I held up my rosary to her face. “Ciao,
Mamma,” I said, my voice too loud in the huge room. “I got your rosary
with me,” I went on and ran the beads through her marble fingers. I sucked
in a deep breath and slumped to the floor, my back resting against her legs.
I inhaled, and fighting my emotion, said, “I found her, Mamma.” I sighed
and looked up at my mamma’s happy angel face. “The one you always said
I would, the girl you wanted for me. I found her.”
I closed my eyes, my memories taking me back to that day in the trailer,
the day when the thunder and lightning had me running into mamma’s
room…
… You are different from Austin and Axel. They are alike in so many ways
—hot headed and tough, hard on the outside until they let you in. You are
the timid one, the gentle brother—inside and out. You are the one to carry
his heart on his sleeve. You are the one who watches silently from afar and
loves with all his soul… Whoever you end up with, my son, whoever claims
your heart, will be a very special girl indeed… So much love, mia luna. You
will love with your whole being, and it will be forever. You could not love in
any other way…
I allowed the tears to roll down my cheeks as the memory played like a
movie in my mind. And I replayed my response. The response I thought
would be true, my young self not knowing what bumpy road lay ahead…
And you’ll meet her, Mamma. You’ll love her too. Yeah? You will love the
one I marry too. She’ll be like a daughter to you. And she’ll love you too…
“She did,” I whispered to my mamma in the empty room. “She came here
and met you, Mamma. And she loved you. She held your cheek and she
loved you, I could see it in her eyes.” I smiled a weak smile. “You would
have loved her too. You’d have loved her so much, my silent girl. Bella
mia.”
I blinked through the blur of my tears, and looked up at my mamma’s face.
I gripped my rosary tightly and asked, “Why does everyone leave me,
Mamma? Why does everything have to be so hard? For everyone? Why did
we have to have the pop we did? Why did you have to get sick? Why did
Axel have to go to prison? Why did Lexi nearly die? Why did Austin have
to look after me when he was practically a kid himself? And why did I not
get to know you like my brothers did? Why did you get taken away before I
truly knew you, and you knew me?” My tears poured down my face. “And
why did my Elsie get her shitty life? Because she’s perfect, Mamma. So
beautiful. She’s been through so much, yet she has the kindest sweetest
heart I’ve ever known. But those girls tore her down. How can anyone tear
anyone so fragile down? My Elsie, my girl?” My throat clogged and I
hushed out, “And why did she leave me? Where has she gone? I… I love
her, Mamma. So much. I love her so much…”
I dropped my head and brought the rosary to my bowed head, praying and
praying that she’d be safe.
I didn’t hear the shuffle of feet until two people sat beside me. I wiped at
my eyes, only to see Austin and Axel sat on my either side.
My face heated with embarrassment at what they might have heard, at
seeing me fall apart. But they didn’t say anything. Austin rested his head
back against the angel and I suddenly found myself against Axel’s chest, his
big hand on my head as he pressed a kiss into my hair.
I tried to pull back, but he held me still. My big brother wasn’t letting me
go. Letting it all out, I fisted his sweater and fucking broke apart. Axel’s
arms held tight, and nothing was said as I purged everything I’d held back
for years. All the damn pain. But most of all, the heartbreak that was killing
me at Elsie being gone.
When my eyes ached and my throat burned, I turned my head, breathing in
the cool air, and said in a croaky voice, “Thanks, Axe.”
Axel dropped another kiss on my head. “I heard you, Lev. We both did,
and let me tell you something now, kid, the best days of your life are in
front of you, you just gotta wade through the shit to get there first.”
Axel’s words soothed something inside, but I said, “She’s gone, Axe. I
don’t know where the hell she is.”
“So you’re gonna give up?”
I sat up straighter, pulling back from Axel’s chest. “No, I ain’t giving up,
but where do I go from here?”
Austin’s hand landed on my bent knee, when I saw something on the floor
before us. My heart swelled seeing that pretty face staring back at me. I
turned to Axel. “You finished it,” I stated, taken back by the realism, by the
perfect likeness.
“Today,” Axel said. “Came over to give you it, and as I did, I saw you
ripping outta the driveway.” Axel pointed at Austin. “Aust told me what
happened with little Els, and I knew where we’d find you.”
I closed my eyes and breathed though my nose. When I opened my eyes, I
said, “It’s the only place that calms me down when I lose it. I… I copied
one of your keys a while back.”
Axel nodded, but said, “I get it, Lev, I do. But this ain’t Mamma, those
rosary beads ain’t Mamma. You gotta start living right, not in the past, not
making these tributes, these possessions, a shrine to all that you’ve lost. You
gotta move past the grief, Lev. Mamma would want you to live. All she
ever wanted was for us all to be happy.”
 “I can’t move on, I’ve tried,” I rasped. “I’m sick of everyone leaving me.
Mamma, you, now Elsie. She’s gone and I feel like I can’t breathe at the
thought of where she is and what’s happened to her.”
“Then find her,” Axel said as though I hadn’t been looking for her all day.
“We’ve been everywhere we can think of, Axe,” Austin answered for me.
“She wasn’t anywhere.”
“She’s somewhere, everyone goes somewhere when their broken,” Axe
said and looked to me. “You’re here, kid, with this sculpture of Mamma,
where you always come. Where would Elsie go? Where does she feel most
calm?”
I shook my head, having no idea, when I caught sight of the marble
sculpture Axel had just finished and I straightened.
“I think I know where she’ll be,” I said, and jumped to my feet. I reached
into my pocket for my keys, and looked back at my brothers. “I gotta go
and get her.”
Axe smirked and got to his feet too. He pulled me into his chest, and said
into my ear, “You may not be exactly like me and Aust, Lev, but you’re still
a fucking Carillo. You fucking rise when the moment counts. Go get your
girl.”
“Thanks, Axe,” I rasped, then hugged Austin too.
Axel reached down for the sculpture. “I’ll take this back to Austin’s
place.”
I turned to go, when Austin asked, “So where do you think she’ll be?”
I flicked my eyes up to the statue of the angel and replied, “Portland.”
I left the warehouse, my heart pumping with adrenaline. I called Lexi from
my car, her worried voice answering on the second ring. “Levi? You okay,
sweetie?”
“I’m okay, Lex, or I will be. I need a favor.”
 “Okay?” she answered dubiously.
“I need you to look up Joanie Hall. It’s Elsie’s mom.”
“Okay, Joanie Hall. And what am I looking for?”
“Where she’s buried,” I said, pulling my car out onto the main road, the
direction: Portland, Oregon.

*****

It took me three hours to arrive at the cemetery. The traffic was hell due to
road works and the rain that had poured. I parked up my car and looked out
over the huge graveyard, the only light coming from a few garden solar
lanterns placed around the entrance.
The gate at the front was locked, but the wall was low and I climbed over,
the cold wind whipping around the leafless trees. I looked out over the mass
of gravestones, but couldn’t see anything. I sighed, realizing this wouldn’t
be as easy as I thought. But I knew Elsie had to be here. Her mom was the
only home she’d ever had. If she was broken, if she needed to get away,
she’d come here. I was sure of it.
I followed my feet down row after row of graves, scanning the row that
came next, hoping to see a flash of blond hair. But the darkness was thick.
The cemetery was completely silent, so quiet that I could hear the sound of
my feet crunching on the cold grass.
I walked for over an hour, only to turn to another field of graves. I dropped
my head, thinking it was an impossible task, when I saw something to my
left, far in the distance. I squinted my eyes to try and make out what it was,
when the breath fell from my lungs seeing it was a dull neon glow. It was
way across the plots, a tiny spec from this far away, but it was there, like a
tiny lightning bug, a lamp guiding me forward.
 I followed the glow of the light through the dark trees and old graves, until
it became brighter, until my heart slammed in my chest and my body
relaxed with relief seeing that homemade lightning bug jar sitting on top of
a simple black grave… a slim body laying down on the grass beside it. I
saw her body rising up and down, and my heart swelled seeing that she was
wearing my hoodie, the neck pulled up to her nose.
Walking as quietly as possible, I edged around the grave and sat down on
the opposite side of the headstone, taking the jar in my hand. The noise of
the glass scratching on the headstone or the shift of light caused Elsie’s eyes
to dart open. I saw the flash of fear cross her face before her pretty blue
eyes focused on me, then the jar in my hands.
Seeing she was watching me, I held the jar between my hands and said,
“I’ll have to take you someplace to make a real one of these someday. Real
fireflies to make a real lightning bug jar.”
“Levi,” Elsie whispered brokenly, and without looking to her face, I knew
there were tears in her eyes.
“I’ll take y’all back to Bama one day in July someday. We can go to the
woods and we can collect them for real.” I smiled still focusing on the jar.
“It’ll be fun. You’ll love it.”
I traced the splash of the recently spilled glow stick liquid with my finger,
when Elsie’s gloved hand landed over mine. I stilled, but didn’t look up.
“How did you find me?” she asked, and I smiled a small smile.
“I followed your light.” I pointed over the other two fields. “I parked way
over there. I was searching in the dark and I didn’t think I would find you…
then I saw the light from the jar.” Sighing, I looked into Elsie’s eyes. “It led
me straight to you.”
Her eyes were shimmering with tears, when she smiled and said, “You
didn’t drown. You followed my light.”
 I huffed a quiet laugh. Then the laughter quickly dropped. “I’ve drowned
plenty since I woke up this morning to find you gone, bella mia. I ain’t sure
yet if I’m safe on dry land, or whether you’re gonna leave me in the tide. If
you’re gonna let me drown.”
Elsie’s hand trembled, but she removed it from mine to crouch before me,
her attention focusing on the headstone. She ran her fingers over the
inscription of her mom’s name, her date of birth and death. I watched her
face fill with sadness and she confided, “When I first ran away, this is
where I would come. I’d sit by her grave all day, then come back at night
when the gates were closed.” She smiled and I watched a teardrop slip
down her face. “This,” she pointed around the graveyard, “was my home
for so long, that it’s the only place I could think of coming.” She patted her
chest over her heart. “My heart is torn. All of the cruelty I felt hit me at
once, those girls at the dinner,” she sucked in a deep breath, “Clara. Clara
believing she had no other out but to take her own life… it split my heart
and I needed to get away.” Elsie inhaled, and on her exhale said, “I needed
to come home.”
My chest ached hearing her call this place home, that she’d needed to
leave, to get away, to leave me. Suddenly, Elsie’s hand was on my face and
her forehead was scrunched up in confusion. She looked so damn cute. She
always did.
Every time I looked at her I lost my breath. My heart would kick into a
sprint. She had no idea what she meant to me, how much I just wanted to
help her heal.
Wanted her love.
I turned my head until my cheek nuzzled her palm. Elsie sat back,
dropping her hand over mine, removing it off the jar to link our fingers
together. She stared at her fingers, and whispered, “But when I got here.
When I laid on the grass, when I traced the letters of my mom’s name, I
realized that this was no longer my home.”
I paused, froze completely waiting for what she said next. Elsie looked up
at me, seared me where I sat, and confessed, “It’s with you. My home,” she
pressed her free hand on her chest, “my heart… it’s with you, Levi Carillo.
You.”
Feeling like a dam had burst in my soul, I leaned forward and took her
mouth with my own. Elsie’s lips instantly moved against mine, her soft
hand threading through my hair.
I pulled back, and when I did, her eyelids fluttered open. I stared at her
without words, just content to have her back in my arms, safe and needing
me like I needed her.
“It took me to come here, to realize I belong with you.”
I blew out a breath, then pulled her forward, pushing the jar to the ground
and held her in my arms. She held me back, and in this graveyard, with my
beautiful girl in my arms, I felt it.
Closure.
I felt that hole in my heart close together, a few scars forever on its
surface, but it was healed. By Elsie. By us. By this moment.
Pushing Elsie back, I said, “I’m not the most special guy in the world. I’m
no one’s perfect dream. I’m not sure I’ll ever do anything extraordinary
with my life. I’ll always be that little bit awkward, and that little bit too shy.
I’ll always blush and dip my head, but if you’ll let me, I’ll be the one that’s
there for you. I’ll be happy knowing I’ve got you and you’ve got me. That’s
enough for me, to be the one that you can lean on, to be the one to tell you
you’re beautiful every day. And talk to. I’ll adore every sound that comes
out of your mouth. I’ll be the one to love you like nothing you’ve ever seen,
bella mia.” I blushed with embarrassment, but managed to rasp, “If you’ll
just let me… If you want me.”
Elsie sobbed out a cry, tears tumbling down her rosy cheeks. “Levi. You
are my dream realized, in every possible way. You are the most special
person in my world. And I love that you blush—because I do too.” She
wiped at her cheeks. “I love that you’re shy, and,” her breathing hitched, “I
love that you love my voice. I love that I never have hide who I am,
disguise how I sound. Because I’m tired of trying to please others.” She
dipped her eyes and almost flattened me when she said, “You’re my kind of
extraordinary. Levi Carillo, you’re the sweetest of souls.”
Elsie’s smile heated my chest, and she got to her feet. She took the jar
from me and then offered me her hand. I took it in mine, standing before
her. I playfully pulled down the back of her gray woolen hat, and tapped the
jar. She beamed up a smile at me. “I’m never letting it go.” I kissed her
sweet lips, and she playfully replied, “But I want you to show me the real
thing. I liked the sound of seeing the true lightning bug jars someday.”
A wide smile spread on my face. “It’ll happen one day, bella mia. One
day.”
She nodded her head, then looked up at me through her lashes. “But for
now lets just go home?”
My heart fired off against my ribs. “Home?” I rasped.
Elsie placed he hand in mine and sighed in contentment. “Home,” she
assured and began leading us from the graveyard. With every step my
sadness, the pain that I’d carried for too long, fell away. Because this was
one love of mine that came back.
And she brought with her innocence.
She brought with her life.
OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Sixteen

Elsie

The minute the car stopped, the rising dawn beginning to break, the door to
the main house opened and Lexi ran out, Ally Prince following closely
behind. Without pausing, Lexi threw her arms around my neck and I choked
on my thick throat, the emotion of such a welcome hitting me deeply—they
cared.
“Sweetie, Thank God. I’ve been so worried about you,” Lexi said and I
could hear the worry in her shaky voice.
“Sorry,” I said ashamedly and ducked my head. Lexi pulled back from our
embrace.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Elsie. Nothing. I’m just happy you’re
back, and you’re safe. Yeah?”
I nodded my head, casting a glance to Levi who was stood with his two
brothers, the light between to darks. He was smiling at me proudly, and I
turned back to Lexi, knowing my shy guy was there for me to lean on.
“I think, if it’s possible, that I’d like some help… to deal with everything
that’s happened in my past… the bullies, the loss… everything.”
Lexi’s green eyes glossed with tears. “Of course, sweetie. On one
condition.”
I raised my eyebrows waiting for her terms.
“That you consider working with me afterwards, at Kind.” I glanced away,
unsure if I could after Clara when Lexi said, “You made a difference in her
life while she had you in it. I saw it. We all did. Celesha wants you back, as
do I. One day, when you’re healed enough to return.”
“Okay,” I replied, fighting the apprehension I felt. This woman had taken
me in, no questions asked. I wanted to give her that same honor.
Lexi hugged me again then stood back. Ally Prince’s huge smile greeted
me and she pulled me in her arms. “I knew you’d be back,” she said.
“You did?” I questioned.
Ally rolled her eyes then spun me around to face the three Italian brothers
and pointed at Levi. “You see that look in Levi’s eyes, the same one Aust is
giving Lex and the one my tough guy is giving me?”
I blushed, but nodded my head under the attention of Levi’s storm cloud
colored gaze. “Well that’s how I knew you’d be back. Once a Carillo cracks
his hard shell and lets you in, once you see them look at you like that,
you’re toast, and you’re theirs. You never really had a choice.”
Lexi laughed as Axel shook his head at his fiancée, and I laughed too. But
it was in happiness. Because I saw that look in Levi’s eyes, and for as long
as I lived, I never wanted it to fade.
A yawn pulled on my mouth, and Levi’s arms were suddenly around me.
“We need to rest,” he said to his family, Austin and Axel threw me a wave.
Ally pressed a kiss on my cheek and walked to her car. “We’ll see you
soon, darlin’. You’re one of us now, ain’t no shaking us off.”
“She ain’t lying,” Levi whispered into my ear and I laughed. I laughed free
of restraint. And I sighed. I had a family. A loving family.
“Come on, Elsie, let’s go,” Levi said and led me through the back gate.
When we entered the pool house, I let him take the jar from my hands and
put it on the side table. He next pulled off my hat, my scarf and my gloves,
slowly unzipping my jacket and pushing it off my shoulders.
 He put them all in the closet, and when he came back, he tugged on the
string of my hoodie, the one that always smelled like him. “When I saw this
had gone, I still had hope, a little hope that you weren’t done with me. That
you still wanted me.”
My heart fell. “I could never be done with you,” I said and Levi kissed my
lips.
When he pulled back, he’d gone all shy, his eyes looking everywhere but
me. I lifted to my tiptoes and pressed my palm to his cheek. “What is
it?”
Levi ran his finger down my cheek. “I’ve done something for you, because
of something you said, a while back… about your mom.”
I stilled. Levi dropped his forehead to mine. “That night, when you saw
my mamma’s statue, when you touched her face and told me you never got
to say goodbye to your mom. That you never got to tell her you loved her,
in your own special way,” he swallowed and rocked on the balls of his feet,
“well, I, I wanted to give you it, your goodbye… your final ‘I love you’…”
My heart slammed in my chest as I listened to him stumble over his words.
“Levi?” I questioned, when Levi stepped aside and pointed to his dresser
and what was on top. Whatever it was was covered in a white cloth that hid
it from sight.
I glanced back to him and he put his hands in his pockets, his olive cheeks
red with timidity. “I got it for you, to help you. And because… because I lo
—” Levi dipped his head, choking on his words.
I knew what he was going to say, but I could see that he needed me to see
what was under the cloth first. He needed to know whatever he’d done was
okay.
My feet felt like ton weights as I walked forward, each step feeling harder
than the one before. When I arrived at the dresser, and the object that was
placed directly at my height, I lifted my shaky hand, dragged off the linen,
and…
“Levi,” I whispered, a soft disbelieving cry pouring from my lips. My
hand flew to my mouth and I couldn’t look away.
Levi cleared his throat. “I… I had Axe make it. I took a picture of the
photograph inside your locket on my phone while you slept a few weeks
back and gave it to him. He finished it yesterday. He brought it in here for
when you came back, for when you—”
“You gave me back my mom?” I hushed out, pushing out my hand, but
then pulling it right back too afraid to touch the snowy white marble. “You
brought me my mom so I could say goodbye?”
I forced myself to turn and look at Levi, whose expression betrayed his
fear—his fear that he’d done something wrong.
Levi shrugged. “To say goodbye, or just to have around, to see when you
want. This way you get to see her when you need, and she can still watch
over you, like my mamma’s angel does me, does all of us.”
My sight blurred with tears, at what he’d done. At the most breathtaking
act that had ever been thought of.
I made my way to my shy guy who was rocking on his feet, and I placed
my hand over his heart. Levi’s eyes were wide as he waited for what I
would say.
“This is the kindest, most thoughtful act someone could ever do. To give
me this, my mom?” I shook my head wondering how I ever deserved such
kindness, when I said, “You are kind-hearted, Levi. You’re what people
should strive to be. Kindness is giving someone something, or an act that
requires nothing in return, not even a thank you, and you’ve done this. For
me. You’ve given me my chance at goodbye.”
 With his head kept down, he explained, “I just wanted you to be happy.
Finally. I want it so damn much for you, bella mia.”
I threw myself in his arms and sighed when he hugged me back. I felt his
warm breath ghost past my face. “Say goodbye to her, bella mia, say
goodbye how you always wanted to, how it always should have been.”
I sucked in a breath, suddenly terrified. Squeezing Levi tighter, I asked,
“Will you stay in the room with me? I don’t want to be alone.”
Levi nodded against my head, then I pulled back and turned around. I
faced the perfect sculpture of my mom’s face, and I felt the ache in my
heart that I always did. She’d been so lost all her life. Her soul was too
fragile to have been born into this world.
“You know the Lost Boys from Peter Pan?” I asked aloud.
I never turned to Levi for the answer, but he replied, “Yeah.”
I smiled, standing before my mom’s sculpture, her eyes bright and her
smile full. “I loved that story when I was younger. Peter Pan. I remember
my mom repeatedly telling me about how the cruel the world was, that she
wished she wasn’t in it. It would upset me so much that I used to pray to
God for Peter Pan to come and get her. I was young and thought Peter was
real. I used to pray for him to come and take her to Neverland because
she’d be happy there with people just like her. People who could love her
and make her smile, because everyone was cared for in Neverland. There
was no pain or cruel words.” I ran my finger down her perfectly sculpted
hair. “My mom was a fictional Lost Boy stuck in this non-fiction world…
and she used to tell me that I was the same as her.”
I sighed and shook my head. I looked at my mom as if she was actually
before me. I looked into her eyes. “But I wasn’t like you, mom,” I hushed
out quietly. “Yes, I was mistreated. Yes, I tried to take my own life, but I’ve
realized that maybe, just maybe I do belong here after all. I think maybe I
always knew that my salvation would come to me one day, that I’d be found
from being lost.” I paused and thought of the boy stood behind me. “You
used to tell me that there was no place for people like us in this world, to
hide my voice and protect my heart. And I did, mom. I did what you said
for such a long time. And you were right, when I spoke I was bullied, I was
ridiculed… and I folded, I let it hurt me. I let it break me down, yet I did not
break.” I wiped my cheeks.
“But you forgot to tell me about the people that are the opposite to those
that intentionally hurt. The kind ones, the ones who don’t care that I talk
differently. The ones who don’t tell me to hide myself away. Instead they
tell me to be who I am, without apology. It’s not easy, Mom, but I think we
focused on the bad for so long, that we were blinded to the good.” I
squeezed my eyes shut and fought the pain, the fear that those words
inspired. “I want to experience the good, Mom. I don’t want the pain
anymore. I have to look for my rainbow.”
My throat burned as I stepped closer still. “I never got to say goodbye to
you, once and for all.” My breathing hitched but I forced out, “They took
me from you, but I didn’t want to go. Please know that. You needed me, and
they took me away against my will. It’s why you died, Mom, because you
never learned to do anything for yourself, and that wasn’t your fault.” I
sniffed and coughed the emotion from my throat. “But you never tried
either. You never really tried to make it better for me, or for yourself.” I
glanced behind to Levi, to him watching me in silence, his handsome face
expressing every ounce of my pain. Because he’d lived this too. He’d lived
through the final goodbye.
Closing my eyes, I braced for my next words. When I opened them again,
I placed my palm on her cold marbled cheek and hushed out, “I miss you
everyday, Mom, and I know you’re happy where you are now, happier than
you could have ever been in this life. And I want you to watch me. I want
you to watch me live. To make something of myself, to achieve something,
even if that’s just achieving a normal life. A normal, everyday life with
someone who loves me. And maybe some day, we could have some kids.
That sounds just about perfect to me.”
I lowered my head, and with my palm still on her cheek, I pressed my
forehead to hers, and in our own action, in our version of silent words, I
told her I loved her for the very last time. As I closed my eyes, I could
almost feel her palm on my cheek too… telling me her goodbye too.
I stayed with my forehead against hers for minutes and minutes, my heart
shattering in my chest. But when I heard Levi’s soft breathing behind me,
his soothing presence, those scattered pieces moved back in place and, one
by one, they knitted back together.
Letting my eyes open, I stood back from the sculpture, and turned to the
only person in the world that could make my pulse race. The only person I
loved, and the only person I could ever be myself with.
I played with my hands as I approached and Levi shifted on his feet, as if
he could feel the tension crackle between us, as if he could feel this heat,
this unique pull that we shared.
Levi pulled his hands from his pockets when I stopped before him, when I
looked up in his eyes. “Thank you,” I whispered, and with shaking fingers, I
put my hand on his cheek. Levi swallowed, his gray eyes wide as I guided
his head down. Trying to show everything that I felt in my eyes, I lowered
his forehead down to mine, and told him the three words, the most
important eight letters that ever could be expressed, I felt radiating from my
soul to his, in the only way I knew how.
Gray eyes searched mine, and seeing what he thought I was doing was
real, Levi lifted his hand and pressed it to my cheek…
 He loved me right back.
“Elsie,” Levi whispered, his husky voice breaking at the fullness of this
moment.
Taking a deep breath, I confessed, “I love you, Levi Carillo. I’m loving
you with the words I fear most.”
Levi groaned, and he pulled me to his chest with his free hand around my
back. He brought me to his lips. I softened against him. I sank into his arms
and moved my lips against his. Levi guided us backwards. My legs hit the
mattress, and Levi lowered me down to the bed, his body hovering above
mine. My hands roamed over his back, my fingers running over his hard
muscles.
My body heated, my hips lifted with need, the need to make love to him,
when Levi broke from the kiss. I moaned at the loss, but when I saw the
serious expression on his face, I stilled. Levi braced his arms on either side
of my body, and with blushed cheeks that I adored so much, he expressed,
“I love you too.”
My heart raced, my pulse hammered in my neck and those soft words
filled my ear and infused my blood with pure hope and light. He loves me, I
thought, feeling more than complete, Levi Carillo loves me.
I opened my mouth to respond, but before I could, Levi crushed his mouth
back to mine, his hands lifting my shirt and unclasping my bra. Breaking
from the kiss, he pulled my hoodie over my head. He had fire in his stormy
eyes as they fell upon my breasts, and I reached for his sweatshirt, bringing
it over his head. Levi’s cut and tanned torso came into view and I moaned
as I ran my fingers down his abs. Levi’s stomach tensed and a hiss passed
between his clenched teeth.
Dropping my hands, I took hold of the waistband of his sweats, and
pushed the material off his hips. The muscles on Levi’s neck corded as his
length was freed, and groaning loudly, he reached for my jeans and stripped
me of my clothes.
Levi threw our clothes to the floor, and when he climbed above me again,
he lifted me to lie in the center of his bed. His fingers stroked down my face
over my throat, and down between my breasts. My back arched and a moan
left my lips as his hand continued south, then stopped, only for a new kind
of heat to light up Levi’s face.
“Levi?” I questioned, just as he dipped his head to my breasts, his warm
tongue lapping around my nipple. My hands flew into his hair to hold him
close, but before I found purchase, he moved south, butterflies swarming
my stomach when I realized what he was about to do. Levi’s full lips
peppered kisses over my stomach, until he hit the apex of my thighs, his
hands gently parting my thighs.
I gasped when I felt his warm breath dust over my core, and I looked
down just as Levi kissed my folds, then flicked out his tongue and ran it
over my clit. My hands fisted the sheets as my eyes rolled back at the feel
of his mouth on me. I breathy moan left my mouth, and my body jerked as
he pushed his finger inside.
Levi groaned as he sucked and he licked, the erotic sound causing shivers
to break out over my flushed skin. “Levi,” I whispered as his tongue built
up speed. I couldn’t cope, the feel of his tongue too much for me take. My
hips rolled back and forth, and when Levi pushed a second finger inside me,
I broke apart, lights dancing behind my eyes.
I heard cries filling the room, my cries, and I stopped, conscious of how I
would sound. Levi was suddenly above me, his head shaking in reproach.
“Don’t,” he said hoarsely before kissing around my mouth, at the corner of
my lips. “Don’t close yourself off. You sound perfect to me, so damn
perfect.”
 I froze, searching his face to see any lies. He meant it. He meant
everything he was saying—he liked the sound of my voice.
I was safe to be me.
Reaching up, I placed my hand on Levi’s head and pulled him to my
mouth. I could taste myself on his lips but I didn’t care. I wanted him. I
wanted to show him how much I loved him, because I did. I loved him
almost too much.
Sitting up, and without breaking the kiss, I guided Levi onto his back, his
muscled tanned body on full display beneath me. Levi’s eyes were leaden
with lust, and he tried to pull me back down to his mouth. I moved from his
hand, opening the drawer in his side table. With trembling, nervous hands, I
took out a condom, seeing Levi’s chest heaving, and his hand stroking up
and down his length from the corner of my eye.
Focusing on opening the foil packet to calm my nerves, I pulled out the
condom and turned back to Levi. His free hand reached for mine, but I
shook my head before he touched me. “I want to do it,” I whispered.
Levis hand froze, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down. “You
sure?” he asked in a tight voice.
“Yes,” I replied, and straddled his legs. Pushing Levi’s hand from his
hardness, I gently rolled the condom down until it was fully on. A damp
sheen had broken on Levi’s chest.
Levi watched me for what I’d do next. Shuffling forward, I leaned over his
chest and brushed his messy fair hair from his eyes. “I love you,” I
whispered, seeing his lips part. I reared back, using my hand to place him at
my entrance, and sat down, taking him inside.
When I was full with Levi, I sucked in a breath and started to move. Levi’s
hands landed on my hips as he hissed, and our gazes clashed. I kept his
stare as I rolled my hips back and forth. And I tipped forward, my hands
flattening on his chest as I gradually built up speed.
I watched Levi’s face as it expressed his pleasure. I listened to his short
sharp breaths and the soft, guttural groans as he thickened within me, his
length hitting something inside, bringing me quickly to the edge.
Levi’s fingers dug into my skin, and I released a long moan as pressure
built in my core. Insatiable pleasure gathered in my channel, as I rocked my
hips faster and faster still. I shattered apart as an orgasm took hold, Levi’s
strong grip pulling me down on his shaft four more times before he cried
out his release, his breathing ragged in their pulls.
My eyes fluttered shut, as my body shivered in the aftermath. I collapsed
on Levi’s chest, my palms landing on his hard pecs. I could feel Levi
pulsing within me, as we both calmed from the intensity of making love…
making love.
Because we were so unbelievably in love.
I lay on Levi’s chest and I was perfectly content. I knew I could do this
everyday. I knew this, being with Levi, my shy guy, could be my life—a life
that I never dreamed I could have.
Levi’s arms wrapped around my back and he rolled us onto our sides, our
faces looking to one another on a single pillow. His skin was flushed from
his release—he was the most handsome and beautiful boy I’d laid eyes on.
I smiled, and ran the back of my hand over his unshaven cheek. “You’re
wrong, you know?” I said, breaking the silence in the room.
“About what?” he asked, his frown making him even more adorable to my
eyes.
“You are special. You know why?”
“Why?” he rasped and took my hand in his to lie underneath his cheek.
“Because you’re the center of my world. To me, that is the most special
thing in life. To be that important, that vital to another’s happiness. It’s not
just special, it’s priceless.” I shrugged. “To me at least.”
“So now you know,” he replied. This time it was my turn to be confused.
“I don’t understand.”
“Now you know,” he repeated and a small smile pulled on his lips. “Now
you know how I’ve felt about you since we met. You’re that someone to me
too, la mia anima gemella.”
My heart swelled at hearing that beautiful language on his lips. “What
does that mean?” I asked, hanging on his every word.
Levi squeezed my hand. “My soulmate, is what we would say in English,
but I like the literal Italian translation better.”
“Which is?”
“My twin soul.”
I stopped breathing, and Levi sighed. “That’s what you are. My soul’s vital
other. It’s carbon copy. The Hero to my Leander’s heart.”
“Levi,” I hushed, my boy so sweet to me. But then my stomach turned at
the road that lay ahead.
“What?” Levi asked, clearly seeing my change in expression.
“What if I can’t do it? The future is too unknown. I’m… I’m scared.”
Levi inched closer and shook his head. “There ain’t nothing to be afraid
of, Elsie, not if we’re together. You know why?”
“No.”
“Because I know now that having any kind of future makes us lucky.” He
kissed the back of my hand and then pulled back. “But having a future with
you? It’s a blessing. Our blessing. Because I get to live my life with you,
beside you—la mia anima gemella.”
I could barely speak through how happy I felt right now. We stayed in
comfortable silence, until I watched Levi smile. “What?” I asked, my heart
thudding in my chest.
“I just realized what my favorite English word is.”
“Yeah?” I asked moving closer, just a hairsbreadth from his lips. “Tell
me.”
Levi leaned forward, briefly took my lips with his own, and whispered,
“Elsie.”
I stared at this boy with the silver gray eyes, then took his mouth in
another soft kiss. As I sighed at being so content, I listed the things that
he’d brought into my life: safety, happiness and peace. But the best part of
all, was that he’d brought me that rainbow after the storm…
… he’d brought for me the moon.
And I’d brought him the shine.

*****

Two months later….

As the clock ran down in the stadium, I brought my hands to my mouth in

disappointment.
“Shit!” Austin snapped and clapped his hands anyway. “Good game,
fratello. Good fucking game.”
We were sitting in the stadium as Levi’s team played in the playoffs, and
he’d played amazing, but unfortunately they’d lost.
I sat down on the seat, my heart crestfallen for Levi. But I knew he’d be
okay. And he always had next year.
I sat looking out onto the clapping crowd and I thought back to the first
time I came here, the first time I experienced all of these people and all of
the noise. It scared me. It unnerved me so much that I wasn’t ever sure I
could come back. But I did, and I had. Through therapy and working at the
center I’d gradually built up my confidence, and realized that I didn’t have
to be so scared anymore. Because what had happened to me wasn’t
embarrassing nor had it made me weak. It was cruel and malicious on the
part of the bully. But it wasn’t my fault, it was nothing I did, and my life
would not be bettered until I learned to recognize that I was more than their
victim. That I was more than the words they used to cut me down.
I deserved more, and I was trying each day to get it.
Levi, only a few days after I came home, helped me sign up to get my
GED. He worked with me every night. He tutored me through the subjects
I’d never passed, and with every new thing I learned, I grew more confident
in myself, so confident that I knew I wanted to become a counselor. And I
now knew I’d be good at it. The weeks spent listening and talking to the
kids at Kind had shown me that I was a good listener. My years of silence
giving me a skill that the kids vitally needed—someone to simply listen and
understand.
It was where I belonged.
Lexi sat down beside me, and she laid her head on my shoulder. “Poor
Levi, he’ll be sad they lost.”
“Yeah, but he’ll be okay,” I replied and Lexi lifted her head and smiled.
“How you feeling?” she enquired.
I took a deep breath. “Okay, I think.”
Lexi squeezed my hand, but let go when Ally and Molly came over to talk.
We chatted about trivial things until I heard Levi walk through the door to
the private box. This time, he came to me first, his expression disappointed
and low.
“You okay?” I asked when he took me in his arms.
“Yeah.” He sighed. “Just sucks.”
 “You played well though.”
Levi gave me a private humored smile. “Still lost, bella mia. We still lost.”
Lifting up, I kissed his lips. When I pulled back, I said, “Did that make it
any better?”
Levi laughed and nodded his head. “Always.”
Levi greeted his family, then we all made our way to a restaurant. We ate
and laughed, and as the night drew on, Levi let go of his disappointment,
where my nerves only built up.
When we left the restaurant, we walked down the street, and Lexi
suddenly said, “Anyone want coffee?”
Levi stopped and squeezed my hand. “Sure?” he replied, then looked
around. We were standing in front of the coffee house where he’d brought
me to listen to Sarah Carol, a poetry house that we came to often to listen to
the open mic, or special guests if we could.
“Is this place good?” Lexi asked and walked toward the door with Austin.
“Yeah,” Levi replied, “me and Elsie come here a lot.”
“Great!” Lexi said and walked inside. The minute we entered, Lexi
beelined for a small cluster of sofas and we all sat down.
“Poetry?” Rome Prince asked as he looked around the room. His eyebrows
were raised as if questioning why the hell we were here.
“Broaden your horizons, babe,” Molly said to her husband and rolled her
eyes.
“Put it this way, cuz,” Ally sat forward, “ain’t no one in here gonna
recognize you and Aust and accost you for autographs. I’m thinking in this
place, to these people, football players are akin to the anti-Christ!”
Axel laughed and pulled his fiancée back, just as a server came to give us
drinks and the emcee announced that the floor was open for readings.
 I watched speaker by speaker, and I felt completely overcome with nerves.
Levi’s arm was tight around my shoulders, when he asked, “You okay, bella
mia? You seem tense.”
I nodded my head and smiled. “I’m good, just tired.”
Levi eyed me strangely, but I sipped at my coffee, hearing an opening on
the stage. My heart beat in my chest, and my hands shook with nerves, but I
abruptly forced myself to my feet. Our family and friends all paused in their
conversations to look up at me, but I sought out Lexi, who nodded her head
and encouraged me with a smile.
“Elsie?” Levi questioned and sat forward. Leaning down, I pressed a kiss
to his forehead, his face confused, then turned to the stage. The lone
microphone stood underneath the glare of the bright spotlight, but I moved
forward, forcing myself to do this.
It was something I had to do.
I stepped onto the stage, and from my jean’s pocket, pulled out a piece of
paper. My words were written in my usual black handwriting, and I held on
to that paper tight, just to do something with my hands.
I took in a deep breath, and when I did, I looked up. I looked up and
immediately sought out Levi who was sitting on the edge of his seat. His
gray eyes were huge and his expression was shocked as he watched me on
this stage.
The room was silent, waiting for me to talk.
I scanned my eyes around the room, seeing all the attention was on me.
The crippling fear took hold. My breathing came harder, the sound echoing
through the room.
I closed my eyes. I closed my eyes and remembered why I was up here. I
wanted to face my demons. I wanted to stop hiding my voice. I needed to
show the world that no matter how far I’d been brought down, I wouldn’t
be kept down.
I would rise.
And I’d be heard, on my own terms.
Forcing my eyes to open, I focused on the tiled floor and read the title
aloud. “Sweet Soul,” I said, internally wincing when the words echoed
through the mic.
Inhaling again, I lifted my eyes, and this time, Levi was on his feet. I could
see that he was terrified for me, but at the same time, I could see the utter
pride glaring in his eyes. That pride caused me to lower the paper.
Because I knew this poem by heart. It was him.
All of this was him and me:

“Born into silence, a world with no sound,

Living in coldness, words trapped and bound.
Kept in dark pain, by fears and by rain,
The needles brought poison, venom to vein.
Snatched in the night, in darkness she fell,
Taunted and tortured, muteness her cell.
Voices inside, a loop in her mind,
Like daggers they pierce, no scars would they find.
Tempted by sharpness, immersed in the flood,
Two strikes to the flesh, the welcome of blood.
Brought back to fear, no heaven she met,
A shadow she fled, hard streets cold and wet.
Alone and afraid, long endless nights,
‘Til pure he came, no malice, just light.
Took into warmth, heart torn and too low,
 A smile and a jar, Leander and his Hero.
He gave her the world, a life so unknown,
Heart finding beat, their fate it was sown.
Fear pushed aside, no victim, no choice,
He gave her the moon, her twin soul, her voice.
She gave him the shine, a stitched up heart hole,
The blessing to her, the purest sweet soul.
She, the silent girl, bereft and alone,
He, the silent boy, who through love, brought her home.”

As the poem came to an end, the mic echoed my last word. The house
dropped to silence, but then broke into loud claps. My heart slammed in my
chest, and I looked up to see Levi pushing through the crowd, tears flooding
his face.
I stepped off the stage, my head low, when suddenly Levi was before me,
his finger under my chin. I lifted my eyes on a deep breath, and was met
with disbelieving eyes. The gray eyes I loved.
“Baby,” he rasped, unable to speak. I watched his mouth work, but he had
no words. This time I would be his voice.
“I wanted to show you what you mean to me. And I wanted to do it
proudly, not hiding my words.” I brought my hand to my chest. “It came
from my heart. I wanted to speak from it too.”
“Elsie,” Levi croaked and pressed his mouth against mine. I could taste the
salt from his tears on his lips. He broke away but his hands were in my hair,
his warm breath drifted across my face. “I’m so proud of you, bella mia. So
proud that I have no words… that poem… your beautiful voice… the
bravery to get up on that stage.”
 “Was because of you,” I whispered, the tears leaking from my eyes. “All
of this. What I am now and who I’ll be one day… is because of you.”
“No,” Levi shook his head. “You don’t understand. You did that for me. I
was Leander, Elsie. I was the drowning man. But where he lost Hero’s light
in the storm, you let yours shine for me. You brought me from the dark. You
brought me home safe.”
Sighing, I fell into Levi’s arms, knowing that I’d conquered my fears. I’d
been given my voice back. I had a reason to live.
And live we both would.
One shy lost soul had found one silent lonely heart.
We were both no longer lonely.
We were both no longer lost.
We were found.
And we were blessed.

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Epilogue

Levi

Tuscaloosa, Alabama
Eighteen years later…

“It’s just through here, come on.”

Jackson and Penelope came barreling through, Penelope pushing her twin
brother, Jackson, out of the way.
“Penelope, quit pushing your brother!” I scolded, but it was to no avail as
our boisterous six-year-old daughter jumped into my arms, almost knocking
me to the floor.
Jackson ran up behind, gripping onto my legs. “Where’s Mommy?”
Jackson called, his cute voice just slightly off key.
“I’m here, baby boy,” Elsie called as she came out through the trees. I
smiled at my wife, swatting away the mosquitos from her bare legs. She
looked beautiful as always dressed in her cute black jean shorts and white
fitted t-shirt. Her blonde hair sat on her shoulders, and in her arms, she held
a crate of four mason jars.
Jackson ran over to her and held on to her waist. I watched my blond son
with blue eyes smile up at his mom, their special bond unbreakable.
When Jackson and Penelope were born, we knew there was a chance that
one, or both, would have hearing problems. Penelope came out first and
was in perfect health, but it was clear from early on that Jackson had no
hearing in his left ear, but luckily, like his mom, he had some hearing in his
right, almost one hundred percent.
 It made me adore him more if possible, because like his mom, he had a
slight inflection to his voice. But unlike his mom, he would never grow up
thinking he should be ashamed of it or hide it. Elsie was teaching him to be
proud, as the head counselor at Kind, she would ensure that our baby boy
never was ashamed to be exactly who he was—without apology.
Jackson was shy and reserved like me, unlike his sister who was as loud as
they came. “Papa, look at me!” Penelope demanded and I tapped the end of
her button nose.
“Y’all keep shouting like that and you’ll scare them away.”
Penelope’s huge gray eyes widened to a comical size and she pressed her
finger to her mouth. “Shh!” she said, just as loudly as she’d screamed, but I
laughed all the same, her dark hair all frizzy around her head because of the
humidity.
Elsie’s hand pressed on my back as she caught up. Leaning down I pressed
a kiss on her lips. When I pulled away, it was to see Jackson pulling his
tongue out at his sister behind my back. His cheeks beamed with red when
he saw that he’d been caught.
He was completely my son.
“We need to go down near the creek,” I said and pointed toward the sound
of the flowing water. “They tend to be near water.”
Holding the net in my hand, I put Penelope on the ground and she
immediately put her hand in mine. “Ready?” I asked and they all nodded
their heads.
As we walked, Penelope pulled on my hand, and said, “Tell us again. Tell
us about the jar you made for mommy.”
I laughed and shook my head. “You wanna hear that story again?” Elsie
asked Penelope and our daughter nodded her head.
“I like it. I like hearing about the light, and the shed and all the smiles.”
 Squeezing Penelope’s hand, I said, “Okay. When I met Mommy, she didn’t
really speak, but she wrote me a note that said she was afraid of the dark.”
“Like me, Mommy?” Jackson asked and Elsie nodded her head.
“Yeah, just like you, Peanut.”
“Go on, Papa,” Penelope pushed.
“Well, in Seattle we don’t get no lightning bugs, at least I’ve never seen
them. But because I’m from Bama, I knew how to make lightning bug jars.”
“Because Nonna Chiara used to make them for you when you were little?”
“Yeah,” I said and pointed to the woods. “We used to come to woods just
like these and catch the brightest lightning bugs we could find with my
net.”
“These exact woods?” Penelope asked dramatically.
I shook my head. “Not these exact one’s, but they look the same.”
“These are Aunt Molly and Uncle Rome’s woods, Penny. Papa told you
that before. You never listen!”
I inhaled through my nose when they started arguing again. Then they
stopped, like nothing had even happened. Penelope turned back to look up
at me and flashed me a toothy smile. “What else, Papa?”
I held in my laugh, but I caught Elsie chuckle from behind. Penelope
tugged on my arm goading me to speak. So I did.
“Because we didn’t have lightning bugs, I couldn’t make the real thing, so
I wanted to give Mommy a homemade one.”
“Like Aunt Lex had made for Dante?”
“Yep,” I agreed. “So I did. Mommy watched me as I emptied the glow
stick into the jar, and she kept it with her every night after that, putting it in
her window so I could see she was okay.”
“She does that even now!” Jackson said with excitement and I looked to
my wife. She gave me her secret smile. Because that same damn jar still sat
on our bedroom window back in Seattle, and Elsie had insisted that, for all
of these years, she kept it lit. The jar barely gave off light anymore because
it was so well used, but she wouldn’t part with it.
I wouldn’t let her anyway. It was our light that never went out.
We turned a corner and the creek came into view. I heard a quiet gasp
come from Elsie when she saw the cluster of lightning bugs up ahead.
“Look,” I instructed to Penelope and Jackson as we crouched down in the
long grass. “Y’all see them?”
Penelope’s hands went to her mouth as she did. Jackson’s little hand rested
on my shoulder as he watched in silent fascination.
“They’re so pretty. Mommy, can you see?” Penelope said and moved to
Elsie’s side, cuddling in to her arm.
“I can see, baby girl.” She looked from our daughter to our son, and asked,
“Should we go get some for our jars?”
“Yes!” they both whispered in unison, and Elsie handed each one a mason
jar along with the mesh lid.
“Now we have to be real quiet, okay?” I said to both of their excited faces.
I couldn’t help but smile as they stood, bent forward, tiptoeing through the
grass after me.
Elsie was laughing too, but I could see in her face that she was just as
excited. I’d promised her this trip years ago, but my playing football for the
Seahawks and her work always got in the way. It’d taken us quite a few
years to fully heal and achieve our dreams, but that was fine. We’d seen the
world together, and every year we’d fallen even deeper in love. We had our
twins eventually, our two sweet children making our lives complete, whole,
all we’d ever hoped and dreamed.
I’d retired from football this year, moving on to help Austin develop
Daisy’s Smile and Kind centers nationally. We were both driven to do more,
to expand on the couple of centers we had. Both the husbands of wives who
the centers could have provided help for if only they’d existed before.
I came to a stop when we reached where the bugs flew, and Penelope
giggled seeing them flying around. “Papa! They have lights on their butts!”
Jackson’s peeled laughter at his sister cut through the night, and we all
started laughing too, until the bugs flew up higher.
“Quick, hold out your jars,” I instructed. Penelope and Jackson both did as
I asked. I laughed to myself when Elsie held ours out too.
Swiping the net through the bugs, I brought it back to the jars, tipping it
upside down watching as a few bugs landed in each jar. Penelope and
Jackson’s eyes were huge as they watched the bugs dance in the jars in their
hands.
“What now, Papa?” Jackson asked, all wide eyes. I could hear the nerves
in his little voice.
“Take hold of your lids, and when I move the net, put it on the top. Yeah?”
I asked and they both nodded their heads. “On the count of three… one,
two, three!”
I moved the net and the twins slammed the lids on the top. I screwed them
on tight to be sure, and lifted the wire handle for them to take. The minute
they held them in the air, the lightning bugs shone from the glass, causing
them both to squeal in excitement.
“We got real lightning bug jars!” Penelope shouted and then turned to me.
“Can we run and show Daisy? Can we go show Aunts Ally, Molly and Lex
and Uncles Axe, Aust and Rome?” Shaking my head in laughter at my
daughter reeling off everyone who was just over the garden while we all
visited at Rome’s house, I nodded my head.
“Just don’t run too fast. Make sure we’re always behind you,” Elsie said,
and the twins ran off, their jars in the air as they giggled their way back to
the yard.
I watched as their lights told us where they were, when Elsie’s hand
slipped through mine and she offered my jar with the other. I took the wire
handle and held it up to the dark.
“What do you think?” I asked as we started walking back to the garden,
hearing the twins shouting for their aunts and uncles to come see their jars
in the distance.
Elsie was holding up her jar and she laid her head on my arm. “Just as
pretty as you promised they’d be.”
“Good,” I said and slipped my hand from hers and put my arm around her
shoulders instead.
“Though not as good as my homemade jar in our window.”
I looked down at her and frowned. “You like that old jar of glow stick
juice better than the real thing?”
Elsie shrugged. “It’s my real thing. That jar has kept me safe in the dark
for years.” She put her arm around my waist and cuddled in closer. “And it
led you back to me. It’s my jar, the jar that reminds me every single night of
where we came from.” She looked up at me and smiled so big my heart
swelled. “And how blessed we are now.”
Checking no one was around, I pulled my wife to a stop, and turned her in
my arms. On instinct she tipped her head up toward me, waiting for my
kiss. In seconds I had my lips on hers and she sighed as our lips moved
against each other’s. When I pulled back, we were both breathless.
“You’re still as beautiful as you were when I made you that jar all those
years ago,” I told my wife and watched as her eyes softened in the true
lightning bug glow.
She lifted her hand to run through my hair. “And you’re still the sweetest
soul that ever lived.”
 Seeing the love she had for me in her pretty blue eyes, my heart melted
when she pressed her palm to my cheek and her forehead to mine. Bringing
my hand up to her cheek, she smiled as we silently said that we loved one
another.
Because even though Elsie now had her voice, we both knew that
sometimes, just sometimes, words were wasted. This, right here, was just
for us. It was our best expressed ‘I love you’.
Just like our little homemade lightning bug jar that still sat on our
window’s ledge, our light would never fade out.
And because we had each other, we would never ever drown.

OceanofPDF.com
 The End

OceanofPDF.com
OceanofPDF.com
 Playlist

Hero — Family Of The Year

Little Moment — Rathborne
Shine —Benjamin Francis Leftwich
Poison & Wine — The Civil Wars
Let It Go — James Bay
My Everything — Owl City
Let It All Go — Birdy
Only You — Josh Radin
Anymore Of This — Mindy Smith
Heavy Rope (Acoustic) — Lights
Stars — Grace Potter & The Nocturnals
Here With Me — Susie Sue
No One’s Gonna Love You — Band Of Horses
My Girl — Tiago Lorc
I Will Rise — Cattle & Cane
Lift Me Up — Mree
Dream — Priscilla Ahn
Hurricane — Kayleigh O’conner
Moonshine — Sara Haze
Black River — Amos Lee
Can’t Help Falling In Love — Haley Reinhart
Start Again — Conrad Sewell
Fireflies — Colin & Caroline
Wonderful Life — Katie Melua
Storm Song — Phildel
Lost & Found — Katie Herzig
Lost Boy — Ruth B
Bird Set Free — Sia
Take Me Home — Jess Glynne

To Listen to the soundtrack, please follow the link:

https://open.spotify.com/user/authortilliecole/playlist/6e5VWcAI2ml4QU3
q4Sd73E

OceanofPDF.com
 Acknowledgements

Mam and Dad, thank you for helping me through the stress of writing this
book—moving and writing a novel was not the smartest thing I’ve done!
To my husband. My shy guy (though not so much anymore!), thanks for
coping with my madness and breakdowns through this. As always, love you
loads.
Sam, Marc, Taylor, Isaac, Archie and Elias. Love you all.
To my fabulous beta readers: Thessa, Kia, Rebecca and Lynn. As always,
you rock. My books are better because of you.
Thessa, my star and mega-assistant. Thank you for manning my Facebook
page and keeping me in check. Thank you for all the Sweet Soul memes—
though I know you don’t find ogling the models a chore! ;) You keep me
positive and keep me going. Love you to bits.
Kelly, and Have Book Will Read Book Blog, thank you for hosting my blog
tour. You are invaluable. I hope you know this.
Lysa, my wonderful web designer. I love our new website—you are a
master designer. And I’ll keep my eye out for those pesky bulls!
Liz, my fabulous agent. I love you. I love our friendship as well as our
business relationship. I cannot wait for 2016!
Gitte and Jenny from TotallyBooked Book Blog. I’m running out of ways
to thank you both. You do so much for me, and you know how much I love
and adore you. You’re priceless in my eyes.
And a huge thank you to all the many, many more wonderful book blogs
that support me and promote my books. Celesha, Tiffany, Stacia, Milasy,
Neda, Kinky Girls… Gah! I could go on and on. Thank you all so much!
 Tracey-Lee, Thessa and Kerri, a huge thank you for running my street
team: The Hangmen Harem. Love you all!
To my street team members—LOVE YOU!!!
Jodi and Alycia, I adore you girls. You are my dear friends.
My IG girls!!!! Adore you all!
And lastly, my wonderful readers. I hope our shy guy was everything you
hoped he’d be. I write for you. I write to bring issue-focused awareness to
my stories.
I couldn’t do this without you.

OceanofPDF.com
 Author Bio

Tillie Cole hails from a small town in the North-East of England. She grew
up on a farm with her English mother, Scottish father and older sister and a
multitude of rescue animals. As soon as she could, Tillie left her rural roots
for the bright lights of the big city.
After graduating from Newcastle University with a BA Hons in Religious
Studies, Tillie followed her Professional Rugby player husband around the
world for a decade, becoming a teacher in between and thoroughly enjoyed
teaching High School students Social Studies before putting pen to paper,
and finishing her first novel.
Tillie has now settled in Austin, Texas, where she is finally able to sit
down and write, throwing herself into fantasy worlds and the fabulous
minds of her characters.
Tillie is both an independent and traditionally published author, and writes
many genres including: Contemporary Romance, Dark Romance, Young
Adult and New Adult novels.
 When she is not writing, Tillie enjoys nothing more than curling up on her
couch watching movies, drinking far too much coffee, while convincing
herself that she really doesn’t need that extra square of chocolate.

OceanofPDF.com
 Follow Tillie at:

https://www.facebook.com/tilliecoleauthor

https://www.facebook.com/groups/tilliecolestreetteam

https://twitter.com/tillie_cole

Instagram: @authortilliecole

Or drop me an email at: authortilliecole@gmail.com

Or check out my website:

www.tilliecole.com

OceanofPDF.com