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 File: Technical_Inquiry_Project_Report.docx

Student: Aan Noor Rahman - 104675583104675583@student.swin.edu.au

Word count: 1798

Assessment task: Business report

Feedback areas:
Structure
Choice of language
Spelling
Use Of Sources

State of document: Almost ready to hand in

Submission ID: e75ad10b-4235-48ac-92ce-1d4281e9f450

Glossary

Click here to see a full glossary of English writing terms and their definitions.

Technical_Inquiry_Project_Report.docx

Please note that the specialist has not proofread your work but has highlighted examples of the types of errors you need to look out
for. Please review your entire document with these examples in mind before you submit your assignment.

General Comments

Yoav Z Hello! Thanks for uploading your file to Studiosity!

Joined in 2013
AUK, New Zealand
I have taken a look at your report about databases, which you have said
is almost ready to hand in. I can see that you have requested feedback
on Structure, Choice of Language, Spelling and Grammar and Use of
Sources. I have provided feedback on this below and throughout your
document.

You have clearly put a lot of time and effort into the report. You have
done particularly well with your use of sources, but there is still some
work to do in other areas. While I can see you have a clear introduction,
and nicely structured body paragraphs, there is still a bit of work to do
on the conclusion. In terms of language, there is some work to do to
keep your writing clearer and more formal. Also, be careful about what
words you are capitalising here.

Structure

Your structure is solid, but you are not quite there just yet. Your introduction and body sections all look
great, but there is a tiny issue with your conclusion. The goal in the conclusion is to summarise what was
discussed throughout the entire report. While you seem to be trying to do this here, it was not completely
clear that you had done it. Try to be more specific about what was discussed in each of the sections.

Effective introduction

Your introduction provides relevant background information and the purpose of the business report. This
helps to effectively introduce the topic to the reader.
Effective paragraph
Your paragraphs use cohesion
cohesive devices effectively, which makes the ideas they discuss easy for the reader
to follow and helps your points develop logically. This can be particularly effective when your wording
provides cohesion between paragraphs and your initial thesis statement. Cohesive devices include words
or phrases such as 'however', 'this relates to...', or 'additionally'.

Choice of language

Your language is solid. Your writing is generally clear, but there are small issues. One important note to
keep in mind is that short sentences are preferable to long ones. This is because they tend to be clearer, as
well as more effective. In your case, there were just two sentences that I thought were too long. I
highlighted them both for you below. Try to split them up into a couple of shorter ones each.

I also highlighted one sentence that, while not very long, was hard to understand. It appears you phrased
that one a little awkwardly. Try your best to rephrase it, and remember that, in general, simpler sentences
are better. Always try to write in a straightforward way. It is also always a good idea to read over everything
out loud to check for these kinds of sentences.

You also need to think a little more about keeping the writing formal. One way to do this is to avoid
abbreviations, which are generally considered informal. There is usually no need to write something like
'isn't' when you can just write out 'is not' in full, for example. Things like 'etc.' or 'i.e.' should also be avoided.
I highlighted a couple of examples for you in the file, but keep an eye out for any others yourself, and
remember this in the future.

The other thing is to make sure to reduce your reliance on long quotes. This is just because long quotes
make it a little unclear that you actually understand what you are talking about, and they tend to disrupt
the flow of paragraphs. You had a few of them here, and I highlighted a couple of examples of them for
you. As a general rule, you should not have more than one long quote, but it would be even better to just
have none. Work on writing these all out in your own words.

Using contractions

Academic texts are generally read as more formal without the use of contractions. For example,
'Communication strategies should not be ignored' is stronger than 'Communication strategies shouldn't be
ignored'. Be sure to keep your contraction usage minimal throughout your academic writing.

For more information, watch this: https://vimeo.com/725502858/b3f32856c5

Avoiding wordiness

Using more words than are necessary to convey your message can make the sentence or paragraph quite
wordy and confusing. Using more clear and concise language will address this issue and improve the
overall quality of your writing. For example, ‘The company's increasing profits over the past year show that
management's strategies were successful.’ is much easier to read than ‘The fact that the company's profits
have been steadily increasing over the past year is indicative of the successful implementation of the
strategies that were put in place by management.’

For more information, watch this: https://vimeo.com/825655593/09bceb8794?share=copy

Spelling and grammar

You have mostly done well with grammar, but there were some minor things to fix up. I discuss these
below, and I highlighted some examples for you, as well. A quick proofread should sort it all out, but it
might be helpful to read it out loud, too.

Using commas with introductory phrases/clauses

In a sentence that begins with a connective word, such as however, a comma can be used to separate the
connective word from the rest of the sentence: 'However, the reporter did not interview any students’. In
sentences that begin with introductory phrases and clauses, a comma is used after the introductory phrase:
'Because of this, the article was biased’. 'Although the students were unhappy, they did not complain’.

Using commas with interrupting phrases/clauses

A pair of commas should be used to separate interrupting words, phrases, or clauses from the rest of the
sentence. These interrupting words, phrases, or clauses should add extra information, but they should not
change the actual meaning of the sentence if removed. For example, ‘That student, John, was very helpful
today’. ‘Mrs Smith, the new sports teacher, showed us a new technique’. ‘John, who has just been made a
student councillor, is presenting his speech at the assembly’.

Using commas before coordinating conjunctions

A comma is needed to separate two independent clauses (parts of a sentence that make sense on their
own) linked by a coordinating conjunction (and, but, for, or, so, yet, nor). For example, 'It was midday, so it
was time for lunch'. Please check your work to ensure you aren't missing any of these commas.

Using capitalisation

Ensure that you use capital letters for proper nouns, such as names of people, organisations, and
institutions as well as qualifications and personal titles. For example, 'John Smith', 'University of Western
Australia', 'Master of Commerce', or 'Dr'. Capital letters are also needed for the first word of the sentence.

Avoiding unnecessary capitalisation

While there are many uses for capital letters, you generally only need to use them for proper nouns, the
start of a new sentence, the personal pronoun 'I', and acronyms. You do not need to capitalise common
nouns.

Avoiding run-on sentences

 A run-on sentence occurs when a sentence combines two or more independent clauses without using
appropriate punctuation or a conjunction to separate them. For example, ‘The research was conducted by
an in-depth survey the results were interpreted by the team’. Here, the two independent clauses, ‘The
research was conducted by an in-depth survey’ and ‘the results were interpreted by the team’, should be
separated by a semicolon (The research was conducted by an in-depth survey; the results were interpreted
by the team), a full stop (The research was conducted by an in-depth survey. The results were interpreted
by the team) or a conjunction and a comma (The research was conducted by an in-depth survey, and the
results were interpreted by the team).

For more information, watch this: https://vimeo.com/725502585/c17406a218

Use of sources

"Your referencing seems to be solid. You integrated and explained all the sources appropriately here. You
also clearly included a sufficient amount for this type of assignment. You also appear to have kept the style
consistent throughout.

Just make sure to refer closely to your institution's referencing guide to ensure that your references
comply with the rules of that style.

Final comments

Thanks for using Studiosity!

Swinburne resources

To get specific information about Swinburne referencing guides, or librarian support about finding and
using research databases please review information in your university library here:

Access reference guides and tools available online by clicking here

https://www.swinburne.edu.au/library/search/referencing-guides/

View Reviewed Document

Technical_Inquiry_Project_Report.docx

1.0 Introduction
This report describes what a database is and the purpose of using a database. It also
introduces the concept of a database management system as software designed to
facilitate the creation, storage, management, and retrieval of data using different
types of DBMS. Two types of databases are discussed: relational and non-relational
databases, and finally [This word is known as an “interrupting word” - you need a comma
both before and after a word like this to help separate it from the rest of the sentence. It

becomes "and, finally, a".], a comparison between databases and spreadsheets is

made, outlining the key differences between the two and emphasizing data storage,
accessibility, data capacity, and the pros and cons of each approach [This sentence
was a bit long, which made it quite confusing. You might want to split it up into a couple

of shorter sentences to improve clarity.]. Some resources are also added for further

information on the topic . [Your introduction clearly states the aim and purpose of the
report.]

2.0 Database

A database is essentially just an organized collection of information. We have data as

a vital component that goes into all these databases, and let's consider how much
data each of us creates every day. Whether we check our email first thing in the
morning, do some online shopping, or check or update our to-do list on our
productivity app, this is all data that's being generally created, and we want to make
sure that we're storing this data in an effective manner and that we're able to make
use of it [Try to avoid sentences this long, as they tend to be confusing. Split this one up.
There are some notes about this in the feedback summary.]. Therefore, the data is

frequently included in databases' tables.

"The design of databases spans formal techniques and practical considerations,

including data modeling, efficient data representation and storage, query
languages, security and privacy of sensitive data, and distributed computing issues,
including supporting concurrent access and fault tolerance [Try not to use such long
quotes. Better to write in your own words.]." [1] The decision to use a database could

therefore be motivated by a number of different factors. Today, a large number of

businesses continue to store data in flat files. So, imagine an Excel file or a flat file
being circulated within a company. That isn't very productive. Thus, consolidating all
of their data in one location greatly improves efficiency. It ensures that data may be
conveniently accessed by those who require it.

It also helps ensure that they have access to the most recent version of their data.
Therefore, they aren't [To maintain an academic tone, avoid using contractions. It
should be "are not".] relying on outdated data that they have access to in some way.

We might also claim that this promotes consistency. Furthermore, this flat file that is
being moved around the organization is edited and looked at by a number of
people, so it requires the security that a database can provide.

2.1 Goal of Database

A database serves multiple purposes. A database offers a location to store data. The
fact that we don't [This is another contraction, which makes your tone less academic.
Please see my notes in the Feedback Summary section for more help with this issue.]

merely have a location to store data but also have an organized structure in which
that data can be placed. Finally, a database gives us a way to communicate with our
data. In an organization or business, there are many hierarchical associations among
data. "A computerized database is a container of objects. One database can contain
more than one table. For example, an inventory tracking system that uses three
tables is not three databases, but one database that contains three tables." [2] .
Currently, four basic procedures can be used to broadly characterize data
interaction. These are-

Querying Data: Querying data means fetching data from the database, and for
this use case, we generally use SQL (Structures Query Language) to specify the
data that we want to retrieve.

Modifying Data: This [This is not a proper noun, so it should not be capitalised. In
this case the word should just be "this".] involves editing any data in the database.

For example, altering the values in columns and even performing calculations or
transformations on the table

Creating Data: Adding new entries, such as rows, to the database

 Deleting Data: Erasing [This is another example of unnecessary capitalisation.
Please review my notes in the Feedback Summary, as they should help with this issue.]

records or rows from the database

2.2 Database Management System (DBMS)

It is software that is intended to facilitate the process of creating, storing, retrieving,

and managing data within a structured database. It acts as a medium between users
or applications and the database, providing tools and functionalities for data
organization, security, querying, and maintenance. "DBMS optimizes the organization
of data by following a database schema design technique called normalization,
which splits a large table into smaller tables when any of its attributes have
redundancy in values [This is another long quote - try to rephrase it into your own
words. I have added a reminder about this in the feedback summary, too.].” [3] .

Figure 1: Database System Environment.

2.2.1 Types of DBMS

1. Hierarchical database management system: Data [This is another area where you
need to review your use of capital letters. Please make sure to check your work

carefully for other cases like this.] is organized like a tree. One data branch leads to
 another data branch. The data storage can be in a top-down or bottom-up
format with a parent-child relationship.

Figure 2: Hierarchical database management system

1. Distributed database management system: a set of databases that are

interlinked and spread over a common network with a central database
application manager. This type of DBMS synchronizes data after a certain time
and makes sure any modification to the data is universally updated in the
database.

2. Network database management system: It allows for a more complex

application, usually to define the parent-child relationship where a child can have
multiple parents. In the example below, students, faculty, and resources each
have two parents: clubs and departments . [There is strong cohesion in your
paragraphs; your ideas are presented logically and are easy to follow.]
Figure 3: Network database management system

1. Relational Database Management System (RDMS): This is the most common

type of database management system dealing with rows and columns. Each
piece of information in this database is linked with a primary and foreign key.
The primary key of one table can be a foreign key in another table, and hence a
relationship is established.

2. Object-oriented database management system: It uses objects to store data

instead of rows and columns. "Information stored in a database is capable of
being represented as an object which response as an instance of the database
model. Therefore, the object can be referenced and called without any
difficulty [Try to remember not to use long quotes like this.]."

2.2.2 Example of DBMS-

1. Oracle- It’s [This is another example of a contraction, which makes your writing
sound more informal. Please make sure you check your work carefully for any other

cases like this.] a commercial RDBMS which offers enterprise-level features and

can be used on the cloud or on-premises

 2. MySQL- It is also an RDBMS which is frequently used with open source content
management systems.

3. SQL Server- Another RDBMS based on Structured Query Language (SQL), for
managing database and querying data.

2.3 Types of Databases

There are mainly two types of databases that users prefer in accordance to their
purpose these [This is becoming a run-on sentence. To fix this, you can either end the
sentence before this word, or add a conjunction before it. A conjunction that works in this

case would be "and".]are-

Relational database and Non relational Database.

1. Relational Database- Consists of data that are stored in rows and columns in a
table which has a primary key. This primary key can be a foreign key in another
table and hence a relationship is established. “In effect, relational databases are
designed to store structured data or well-defined data like names, dates, and
quantities that can be easily standardized within a table.” [5] SQL is used to get
data from this database within the RDMS.

Figure 4: Relational Database Model

 1. Non-relational Database- No specific structure for this kind of database. Data is
input in whatever format based on the data type stored [This sentence does not
quite seem to make sense. Try to rewrite it.]. It can also be a mixture of structured

and unstructured data. For example- videos, email, images etc.

2.4 Database Alternatives

The most well known alternative of a database is a spreadsheet. Although one

might think that both are similar but [A comma is needed here to separate two
independent clauses linked by a coordinating conjunction (and, but, for, nor, or, so, yet).

This means you will need a comma before this conjunction. It should be "similar, but".] in

reality that is not always the case. Spreadsheet is actually an electronic ledger, an
electronic version of accounting worksheet which was made to store the accounting
information in tabular form digitally. Therefore tables exist in spreadsheets just like
database. “Spreadsheets were originally designed for one user, and their
characteristics reflect that. They’re great for a single user or small number of users
who don’t need to do a lot of incredibly complicated data manipulation”.[6] The key
differences between them are-

1. Storing and manipulation of data

2. Accessibility of data

3. Data storage capacity.

“Databases, on the other hand, are designed to hold much larger collections of
organized information—massive amounts, sometimes. Databases allow multiple
users at the same time to quickly and securely access and query the data using
highly complex logic and language”. [4]

2.4.1 Pros and Cons

1. In a database [A comma should be used after introductory words, phrases, and

clauses in a sentence. The phrase I highlighted is an introductory phrase, and you need

to demonstrate this by placing a comma at the end of the phrase. It becomes

"database, we".] we can pre-set the type of data contained in a certain field. For
 example, if we want to enter string in the column containing numbers, the DBMS
software will show an error and we can rectify. However, in a spreadsheet like
Excel if we type in a string in a number column there won’t be any error message
and it will store the value.
2. In a spreadsheet different cells contains calculations such as functions and
formulas. If we want to find the sum of two integers the result will be stored in
another cell. However, in a database all calculations are done after retrieving all
the data so there in no way we can mistake a record of data with a calculation.

3. A spreadsheet can contain multiple worksheet where tables are created to find
relations between the table but that would be logically limited. Therefore
database is used to set up relations between the tables to facilitate
performance and boost speed.

4. Spreadsheet like Excel, google [Make sure to capitalise proper nouns as well as the
first word in a sentence. It should be "Google".] sheet are not capable of handling

over 1 million rows of data whereas database can handle more than 5 or 10
million data with ease.

5. Every person must update their own spreadsheet with new data. For example- If
there is a change to make in customer name in customer table, the user has to
make this change manually. Finding out who made the change or deleted
information incorrectly is troublesome. As oppose to that, database provide a
stable structure, controlling access permissions and user restrictions. In a
database changing one instance in the customer table updates that same data
present in another table but in spreadsheets there is probability of correcting or
modifying one data but missing out in correcting that same data in another row.

3.0 Resources:

1. Database vs Spreadsheet - Advantages and Disadvantages- A YouTube video

about explaining the advantage and disadvantages between database and
spreadsheet concisely with examples. If anyone is confused between the
 two [This is another introductory clause, so add a comma after it. I have explained
this a bit more in the feedback summary.] this is a great video to watch.

2. ****What is Database Management Systems (DBMS)?- A website with different

type of database management systems and information regarding which is
applicable to in which situation.

3. Relational vs. Non-relational Database: The Difference Explained- A website

from one of the best online learning platform Coursera explaining the key
differences between two main types of database with examples which is
important to know if you want to create your own database.

4.0 Summary

In summary, this report offers a comprehensive overview of databases, their

management, types of DBMS, and the advantages of database over spreadsheets in
terms of data consistency, data integrity, speed and security supported by external
resources for deeper understanding . [Make sure your conclusion briefly goes over
what was discussed in each of the earlier sections. What was each section about? What did

it discuss? Go through this here.]

Reference

[1] Database - Wikipedia. Wikipedia. Retrieved August 22, 2023 from

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Database

[2] Database basics - Microsoft Support. Microsoft. Retrieved August 22, 2023 from
https://support.microsoft.com/en-au/office/database-basics-a849ac16-07c7-4a31-
9948-3c8c94a7c204

[3] What is a Database Management System | DBMS - AppDynamics. AppDynamics.

Retrieved August 21, 2023 from https://www.appdynamics.com/topics/database-
management-systems

[4] Siddhanth Barot. Types of Databases - GeeksforGeeks. GeeksforGeeks. Retrieved

August 21, 2023 from https://www.geeksforgeeks.org/types-of-databases/
[5] What Is a Relational Database and How Does It Work? | Coursera. Coursera.
Retrieved August 21, 2023 from https://www.coursera.org/articles/relational-
database

[6] What Is a Database | Oracle Australia. Oracle. Retrieved August 22, 2023 from
https://www.oracle.com/au/database/what-is-database /

[It looks like you’ve formatted your references consistently, but be sure to double-check
your referencing guidelines to ensure they follow the prescribed style.]

Finished reviewing your submission?