STOP DOUBTING YOURSELF!

STOP
OVERTHINKING AND START LIVING.

FINDING FREEDOM IN 7 EFFORTLESS, UNCOMPLICATED

STEPS.

GJ MALONE
© Copyright GJ MALONE 2021 - All rights reserved.
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 C O NT E NT S

Introduction

1. Why You Think and Act the Way You Do

2. Understanding Self-Sabotage
3. A Closer Look at Self-Defeating Behavior
4. Seven Steps to Overcome Any Self-Defeating Habit
5. Metacognition to Rewrite Self-Limiting Mental Scripts
6. Taking Action and Becoming Consistent
7. Undermining Your Success
8. Fourteen Skills to Overcome Self-Doubt

Final Word
References
 "When self-doubt creeps in, don't ignore it - address it. Respond
to harsh self-criticism with something more compassionate. Talk to
yourself like a trusted friend and refuse to believe your
unrealistic, negative inner monologue."
— AMY MORIN
 INTRODUC TION

"If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint,
and that voice will be silenced."
— VINCENT VAN GOGH

The world has numerous accounts of successful people who didn't start
successfully. There are also countless accounts of people who became
successful after doubting their chances every step of the way. Many
continue to challenge themselves even after they become household
names. In the political realm, this idea is apparent in personal
recollections of the thirty-fifth President of the United States, John
Fitzgerald Kennedy.
Commonly known by his initials JFK, President Kennedy's career
included military experience, media awards, and notable wins while
leading the US, which he held during the cold war. His history is laced
with his great relationships with both military and media. However, even
with these many victories, JFK was like the rest of us; he had self-doubt.
His former girlfriend, Inga Arvad, revealed in her biography that JFK
would openly share his insecurities with her, saying that he was
insecure that "his older brother Joe Jr. was actually smarter, that he had
failed the army physical, [and] that his stomach could handle only bland
foods" (Ms. Arvad quoted in Paquette 2017).
In the art world, we can also recognize this doubt in Leonardo da Vinci.
He had many accolades as a painter, draughtsman, architect, engineer,
scientist, and sculptor. His greatest fame arises from his works as a
painter, yet his notebook also became a piece of marvel in later years. In
it, he had notes and drawings that span many subjects, including
anatomy, astronomy, botany, cartography, painting, and paleontology.
Yet, even with all of those achievements, Leonardo da Vinci had
moments of self-doubt and exhibited behavior that aligned with low self-
esteem issues. He is often quoted by one of his more melancholy diary
entries, in which he says, "Tell me if I ever did a thing" (quoted in King
2013). As seen above, he was often caught in procrastination, had several
unfinished projects, and would be particularly tough on himself.
On the flip side, however, there are also encouraging examples of
individuals who succeeded despite their challenges with self-esteem and
self-confidence; a notable one is George Eliot. Eliot was born as "Mary
Ann Evans" in 1819 when writing by women was not taken seriously.
She reacted by using a masculine pen name. Faced with possible censure
as a writer and a woman in a time when women were only expected to
write frivolous things, Ms. Evans chose a path less traveled and rose to
be one of the most renowned authors. However, she still encountered
self-doubt, which she depicted in letters to friends and writings in her
journal. In several instances, Ms. Evans made entries questioning herself
about her writing abilities. Using the dated entries, it seems that she
made one such entry each time she sent work to her publisher since that
is when she would succumb to crippling anxiety about her abilities.
You Can Succeed Despite Self-Doubt
Where are you right now on your life journey? Do you long to improve
your life, your income, your health, your relationships? Do you feel as
though you make the same mistakes over and over? Are you tired of
tripping on the same obstacles?
Dear reader, like all successful people, you want to better yourself. You
know you can be better and that you can achieve more. Not only is this
natural, but it's also the best way to be. However, even when we try to
encourage these thoughts, we may feel as though we are stuck in
negative thinking patterns, stuck with the same self-defeating thoughts
that often lead to self-defeating actions.
Rather than keep to the diet you promised yourself, you find yourself in
that fast food restaurant that you swore you'd never visit again. Rather
than tackle your time-sensitive task, you as a procrastinator may dabble
in anything other than what you know you should be doing and only
later feel ashamed about your actions. Do you want to change these
thought patterns? Do you want to alter behaviors that are limiting you
and holding you back?
Sometimes, change looks like a tricky thing. The longer we struggle and
fail to change, the more likely we are to convince ourselves that it is not
only difficult to change but impossible. We ask ourselves things like,
"Why do I even need to change? Isn't this just a part of who I am?"
Why is it so difficult to change? Have you watched friends or family try
to be more disciplined? They could be trying to lose or gain weight, stop
smoking or other destructive habits, or take up new empowering habits
like exercise. Have you watched this person struggle, only to give up
and resign themselves to the old way? Maintaining momentum for
change is not easy, even for the best of us.
Do you also tend to doubt yourself? Self-doubt, as we saw in the above
examples, is quite common. Self-doubt is knowing you have the skill or
the experience for whatever you aim to accomplish but doubting your
ability to execute it. Self-doubt visits us just before or after an important
event. Does that sound familiar to you?
In an exciting turn, self-doubt also means that we tend to doubt others,
too. You might've encountered a supervisor who insists on doing
everything themselves, or exhibited this behavior yourself, too. It could be
at home or at work where, rather than trust others close to you, you
take on too much alone. You end up doing too much or having too
much on your desk. With this distrust, you end up with many separate
tasks that remain undone or half done. In a backhanded sort of a way,
this is self-sabotage. You set yourself up to fail by taking up more than
your allotted twenty-four hours of the day allows. Eventually, you end
up angry at yourself and telling yourself, "I am not good enough."
Does this behavior influence your goal setting? Are there goals you want
to accomplish, but you can't help but brainstorm a long list of why you
can't achieve them before you even get started? In this way, second-
guessing yourself can lead to aborted goals, which were not planned
well enough and thus had to fail. How you speak to yourself can and
will undercut your decisions unless you face the unfriendly inner
dialogue within you.
This form of self-sabotage can lead to consistent failure in achieving your
goals, which eventually leads to a lack of motivation. How are you
feeling about your dreams right now? Are you full of energy and excited
about them, or are they just another tedious chore that you may or may
not see through?
Wherever you are in your journey, this book is for you. The intention is
to help you move on from overthinking and doubting yourself so you
can start living.
Why GJ Malone?
GJ Malone is committed to immersing himself in the subject of self-
improvement. The connection between belief systems, behavior, and
ultimate performance at an individual level fascinates him. As such, he
gives time and dedication to discovering complex concepts in psychology
and human behavior.
In this book, GJ Malone has mapped methods of people from all walks of
life, including famous and accomplished individuals who have used the
skills in this book to leave self-doubt behind. They have mastered and
overcame crippling habits such as procrastination, negative self-talk, and
abandoning projects. In a concise narration, GJ Malone puts it all
together in one place to help you discover empowering methods to battle
self-doubt successfully and accomplish your goals.
He wrote this book to translate these problematic and wordy concepts
into simple and practical skills that you can implement. The purpose of
this book is to give you a companion. Don't read it once and set it aside;
read it and keep it close. It will be a worthy companion as you
transition from one win to the next.
In its pages, you will find easy-to-follow skills to help you recognize and
subsequently eliminate self-defeating beliefs. Overcoming and
transforming self-defeating thoughts is the first stage of removing and
shifting self-defeating behavior.
However, GJ Malone does not speak from theory only. He has personally
undergone the same transformational experiences he shares with you. He
has watched his life move from procrastination, self-sabotage, self-doubt,
unfinished projects to one where he counts the wins. He is eager to
share those skills with you with the assurance that they will work for
you as well as they have worked for him and many others. Coupled
with the most recent research, enjoined with valuable quotes, and filled
with practical action points, the reader will have the tools to break free
from self-limiting thoughts and behavior.
The seven steps are not random. GJ Malone has carefully curated them
to be precise and straightforward to enable you to shift from self-imposed
ceilings and change "I can't" to "I can." In your hand is a book written
in the best writing for the topic at this time.
The work is well-timed in a world just arising from the ravages of
worldwide crises and realistic in a world filled with social media
exaggerations, and it is personal. It is a book written to you and for you.
The author desires that you conquer self-doubt and self-defeating
behavior and move on to a life filled with continuous success and
happiness. Welcome to the beginning of your journey!
 1

WHY YOU THINK A ND A C T THE WA Y YOU DO

N early everything you do is something you learned to do at some

point. You could have picked up the lesson consciously or
unconsciously. At one point, you didn't know how to do it, and now
you do; we can say that life is a series of learned skills. These acquired
skills mean two things: first, everything you want to do, you can learn
to do. Second, that you can improve upon everything you already know.
In this chapter, we will take that idea again from the beginning and
focus more on the concept of learning. The two learning tools that we all
come with are the brain and the mind; while they work together, they
aren't the same.
The Brain, the Mind, and How the Two Work Together
The fastest way to comprehend the difference between the brain and the
mind is to remember that the brain is the hardware and the mind is the
software. The brain is the physical organ between the ears and transmits
and interprets energy impulses that you receive through your five senses.
Your brain also has two other critical functions. The brain maintains
your physicality, meaning that your body is kept functional by the brain.
It regulates how your vital organs behave and initiates protections that
keep the body alive. For instance, it is the work of the brain to ensure
that you have enough insulin and oxygen in the blood, not too much,
and not too little. The brain also ensures that you take care of yourself
by eating, drinking water, sleeping, and resting. The feelings of hunger,
thirst, and fatigue are all functions of the brain; if any of these responses
slowed, it would cause an imbalance and, ultimately, sickness. Because of
this, the brain is critically important for survival.
These functions are apparent to most of us. What we might miss is that
the brain also regulates our mental views. You are not built to see
everything that is happening around you at once. Because of this, you
might find yourself with someone telling an exciting story that happened
while you were at the same place, and you may think, "Wait, I was
there; how come I didn't see that?"
On a similar note, the brain also filters out unnecessary stimuli. This
action is why you can be with someone and hear something they cannot
hear or be unable to smell something they are smelling. The brain filters
all of this input to avoid sensory overload. However, this filter also
means that your brain will only bring things that agree with your belief
system to your attention. Because of this, we are deeply subjective most
of the time.
For instance, you could've had a traumatic experience in a particular
situation. If you enter a similar situation, your brain will recognize it as
a risk zone, regardless of the actual danger levels. Protecting you will
accentuate the information that makes the possible danger prominent,
even though you are perfectly safe in that situation. This action is a
common experience with someone who has been in a car accident, for
example. Their brain will keep seeing the vehicle they are in going too
fast, or being too close to the edge, even though the ride is perfectly
safe. This action is the brain's way of protecting you from getting into
danger again.
But, how would the mind know what to filter and what not to filter?
How would the brain know not to filter information before an accident
and then pass it along after the accident? This process is the work of the
mind. The mind chooses the stimuli that will correspond with your
existing beliefs. Your current beliefs are formed in two ways, practice and
confirmed bias.
At the mention of confirmed bias, we've entered into the work of the
mind. The mind is the hard drive where the software of thoughts,
perceptions, emotions, determination , memories, and imagination is
stored and run.
The Conscious Mind
There are two essential aspects of the mind: the conscious mind and the
unconscious mind. The conscious mind is also called your day-brain. It is
the mind that is most alert when you are awake and going about your
life. It processes the things that you can perceive around you minute by
minute. The conscious mind is also responsible for the thoughts you
think about the things you are observing.
The essential function of the conscious mind is to sift, sort, and make
conclusions. The mind evaluates, separates matters into categories, makes
decisions, plans, and assesses data before putting it into relevant piles.
Sometimes this thinking process happens quickly, while sometimes, it
may take a couple of days, if not more.
As you receive sensory input and think about this input, you are also
making decisions. As you make decisions repeatedly, choosing one thing
over another, a second process is taking place: the results of these
decisions are all being stored in real-time in the unconscious mind.
The Unconscious Mind
Contrary to the name, the unconscious mind is not dead or unaware. It
is referred to as the "unconscious mind" because it works in the
background. It's like the fuel in a vehicle engine; how it works isn't
evident to the unknowing eye, but it nevertheless causes the combustion
that powers the entire engine. The unconscious mind is your most
crucial mental asset; it's where your thought patterns are recorded for
easy recall.
Let's say you have a bad experience that isn't traumatic or life-
threatening, for example, eating bad Seafood. If you get treatment and
let the matter of the infection go, you'll probably come out of the
experience without much to it. You may not pick up a lasting aversion
to Seafood. However, let's say that after having this bout of sickness, you
think about it over and over again. You replay how you ate the Seafood
and how sick you felt afterward; you think it over for weeks. Go into
great detail about how you got ill from eating Seafood every time
someone mentions Seafood near you, recounting the experience and
painting the picture with visual information. The result will be a lasting
aversion to eating Seafood. So what's happening?
A second process is taking place. As you recount the negative experience,
you are telling your brain, "Seafood makes me sick. It is harmful to me.
Keep it away from me." This thought pattern is a significant stimulus.
This thought pattern will give you a strong belief about Seafood because
while it was only based on one bad experience, you've lived the
experience multiple times each time you retold the story or thought about
it in great detail. This process is the same for learning essential skills and
forming thought patterns, habits, beliefs, individual biases, and values
systems.
However, the repetition of thoughts never happens as logically as we've
presented in this example. That is an illustration to show you how
recurrence affects your view of life.
If you think about it, the reason you make your coffee in the morning
without putting much thought into it is that you've done it tens,
possibly even hundreds of times. The action has become recorded in your
unconscious mind, making it second nature. You can repeat an action
until it reaches automaticity, after which point you can recall the skill at
will without much thought.
The same is true of our beliefs. However, the repetition that eventually
shapes our ideas is activated from several other factors, including the
physical environment in which the thought occurs. Let's say you have a
flower vase somewhere in your house that was a gift from a friend that
you remember fondly. Without your knowledge, each time you pass by
the flower vase, your brain will see it but may not bring the observation
to your conscious awareness. Since the experience around flowers and
that particular flower vase was positive, the brain also notes that flowers
and flower vases are sound stimuli.
The two are stored in a part of the brain containing pleasant memories.
In this way, you build a belief system that says flowers are good. You
also trigger a pattern of thought each time you are in the house near
them. You think the same thoughts about the flower vase and feel the
same feelings that you have around it, but unconsciously.
This thought pattern is why it is possible to enter a physical space and
feel the same emotions that it elicited before. The feelings could be
positive, as in a happy home, or traumatic, as in the case of a crime
scene. The same flower vase contributes to your feeling of well-being
while in your house. As your mind filters that view of the vase and
associates it with pleasant thoughts, you will get a sense of good flowing
within you each time you pass by the vase. Filling your home with
delightful items will make your home generally pleasant to you.
Another factor that helps to cement thoughts and beliefs is family.
Family discussions tend to flow in a particular direction most of the time
because the brain is constantly merging one conversation with another.
While the original discussion may not be related to where you ended up,
as you repeat a narrative around a given topic, the brain files these
perceptions and creates these connections. Friends have the same impact,
as we frequently repeat nuances in conversations.
An even more significant impact on the formation of our beliefs is the
media. Mass media spreads information as well as entertainment. Most of
the content is accompanied by calculated sounds and, in the case of
videos, images as well. Media communicates its messages repeatedly and
with the same enhancements of sound and picture. In time, the message
bypasses the conscious mind and goes straight to the unconscious mind,
where it's stored as necessary information.
All of these stimuli together help to shape one's thought patterns.
Thought patterns are repeated impulses that eventually shape our beliefs,
thus significantly influencing our decisions.
Let's return to the example of Seafood. Even if a decade has gone by
without you eating Seafood, it's highly likely that even without
consciously thinking about your negative experience, you'll choose not to
order a seafood dish. You may even start associating your negative
feelings with your negative experience, simplifying it down to "It's just
the way I am."
However, there was a learning process that led to you being "the way
you are." You've built pathways in your mind that are automatically
triggered when you start to think about specific past experiences, forming
your belief structure. By the time we reach adulthood, most of us have
learned at least a significant chunk of the beliefs that will shape the rest
of our lives. Such beliefs are so ingrained that they further affect our
behavior and our habits.
Some believe that all habits are negative, leading to the word carrying a
negative connotation. People often associate it with vices such as a "drug
habit", substance dependency, emotional outbursts, and violence. These
habits can be the root of many struggles. If you entered adulthood with
self-doubt, a learned pattern of thought shapes your choices daily.
However, habits are an essential tool for building the life you want to
live.
Thought Patterns and Habits
By definition, a habit is "a settled disposition or tendency to act in a
certain way, [especially] one acquired by frequent repetition of the same
act until it becomes almost or quite involuntary" ("habit," as a noun). The
most critical factor in the formation of habits is repetition and
consistency. You cannot develop a habit if you've only done something
once. For example, how people spend money is a habit. If they spend
money in a certain way, they may become stuck in specific patterns of
expenditure. So, to change their spending habits, they will need to notice
and analyze their spending habits and deliberately change their repeated
actions.
There are two critical aspects of habits: habitual behavior and habitual
thought.
Habitual Behavior
You're likely familiar with habitual behavior. These behaviors can be
beneficial or harmful, such as brushing your teeth daily versus taking a
daily measure of alcohol. So how do you develop helpful habits? Life is a
series of habitual behavior. We wake up and generally do the same
things daily. If we haven't developed the routine consciously, we may
have harmful habits running alongside our daily habits, which can be
challenging to escape. To create a life that works for you, strive to
develop a daily routine filled with empowering habits that help you
move towards your goals. We'll come back to this process a bit later.
Habits of Thought
Habits of thought are repeated thought patterns that become second
nature. While they're more difficult to notice, they significantly impact
our lives by influencing our habitual actions. If we revisit our spending
habit example, the over-spender in question will need to analyze how
they think as they earn, receive, and spend money in order to examine
and change their thinking patterns. As these thinking patterns heavily
influence what they do with their money, restructuring their thought
patterns can also restructure their spending habits.
Let's look a bit closer at the formation of habits of thought. How does
one develop a habit of self-doubt? There's always a beginning. For
example, let's say your beginning was when you were a child, and you
were scheduled to represent your school in a tournament. While you
were confident leading up to the event, the pressure of the day got to
you, making you nervous and causing you to fail. If like in the seafood
scenario, you continue replaying the event in your mind, criticizing and
scolding yourself, looking at all the possible things you could have done
differently, it will end poorly.
This action will build into a habit of self-doubt and self-sabotage. If this
happens, you may pin every failure to that tournament, even if all
subsequent failures are entirely unrelated. While this may sound like an
exaggeration, it's precisely how thought patterns develop. We attach an
event to other unrelated events, tying old emotions to new experiences.
We put ourselves down in our minds, telling ourselves, "I can never get
anything right." This action is not only a loop, but it is practice— you are
practicing thinking in this destructive manner until you can (and will)
do it as second nature.
This action is where thoughts influence behavior and become a self-
fulfilling prophecy. Plaguing yourself with thoughts of failure will do
nothing but invite more failure, which in turn fuels negative self-worth.
This action is the typical way that most of us speak to ourselves. Rather
than empowering ourselves with our inner dialogues, we fixate on past
moments that have no place in our present or future. This action is how
negative thought patterns can form and actively work to our detriment.
The Realm of Self-Sabotage
By definition, to sabotage is "to ruin, destroy, or disable deliberately"
("sabotage," verb), meaning that self-sabotage is to ruin or destroy your
chances of success through your own behavior. This behavior often holds
you back from what you want to do. Unfortunately, the world tends to
be negative, so we soak in the negativity, own it, and make it our
practiced way of being. This action causes us to overthink everything we
do, doubt our abilities, and torment ourselves with thoughts of
inadequacy.
However, believing in your imminent failure isn't necessary; you can just
as comfortably believe in your imminent success and make that happen.
It's entirely possible to embrace a new way of thinking and using your
mind that will move your life in a direction that favors you.
We are not inherently failures; we are intrinsically wired to succeed. If
you think about a child, before the world starts telling them "they can't,"
they're pretty unbeatable. A child will sit with a toy for hours, sometimes
even days, trying to figure out how to pull it apart, and they will
eventually succeed. While that may not seem very productive, it reminds
the child that they can achieve whatever they set their mind to do.
Children accomplish incredible things every day, such as learning how
to counter gravity by walking upright. A little practice each day, a little
success the next day, until someday they can walk upright and even
run.
How we train ourselves to think about ourselves and our abilities
influences our successes tremendously. Such thoughts also affect the
quality of our lives. We struggle to find joy and satisfaction in even the
most mundane aspects of our lives because of what we tell ourselves
about our lives. While your life could be genuinely unpleasant, and you
may have things you wish you could change, it's essential to challenge
your negative mindset. Are you really living that way, or are you just
going through the motions and feeling frustrated by your life?
A cosmetic mind shift won't make all of your challenges disappear; there
is considerable effort to be made. However, if you're willing to put that
effort in, you can finally start living. No habits are cast in stone. You
learned those habits once, and in the same way, you can unlearn them
in exchange for something new. We'll come back to this in much greater
detail in the subsequent chapters.
Chapter Summary
In this chapter, we've looked into why you think the way you do and
why you do the things you do. We have discussed:

The difference between the brain and the mind. And how the
two work together.
That all thoughts and actions are learned, so new patterns can
be learned, too.
That belief in our own inadequacy stems from past experiences,
but repeatedly reliving the experience is what transforms our
insecurities into destructive patterns of thought.
That we learn habits by repetition, this includes self-destructive
habits.

In the next chapter, we will discuss self-defeating behavior in detail.

 2

U NDERS TA NDING S ELF-S A BOTA GE

A s mentioned in chapter one, self-sabotage is the act of ruining

your chances of success through your behavior and thought
patterns. In social psychology, self-sabotage is behavior that will counter
the result you want to achieve. We may also call this self-defeating
behavior. Self-defeating behavior is any series of actions that hurts or
hinders your ability to achieve your goal rather than helping you. If you
feel deeply unhappy or frustrated because your actions give you results
far from what you desired, you are practicing self-defeating behavior.
Your behavior and your goals are out of sync. You become your own
greatest hindrance to the progress you want.
So why would anyone take self-defeating action? We'll discuss this
further in this chapter by examining several examples.
Demonstrations of Self-Defeating Behavior
We will be referring to three different levels of self-defeating behavior:
that which entirely involves the individual, that which happens in
interactions between the individual and a group, and that which occurs
in interactions between the individual and others collaborating.
Deliberate Self-Destructive Behavior
This behavior is where the individual seeks to harm themselves. Actions
such as suicide, causing personal injury, and certain types of life-
threatening disorders would fall into this category. In this case, the
individual actively seeks to cause themselves tangible bodily harm.
For the most part, this type of behavior is outside the scope of this book.
An individual actively seeking to harm themselves needs intervention
from a professional. Psychotherapists, counselors, and behavioral
psychologists will often have a practice that tackles these issues. We
encourage the reader to seek the help of a professional if they or anyone
they know are having thoughts of self-harm that may be life-threatening.
Counterproductive Behavior
Counterproductive behavior may manifest on the individual level. This
behavior can be seen in individuals who set one goal and then take
action entirely in defiance of achieving the desired goal. Frequently, such
an individual will be frustrated and angry at themselves for failing to
achieve their goals.
This behavior can also be in association with others. In this case, the
individual will adopt behavioral patterns that will pull in the opposite
direction of what they want to achieve, especially concerning how they
associate with others within a group.
While cooperating with others helps the individual achieve their
objectives, the aim of counterproductive behavior is either self-protection,
diminishing the worth of things the individual doesn't agree with, or
creating barriers to the legitimate interests of others in ways that also
sabotages the individual's own interests.
Negative Trade-Off Behavior
The action of sacrificing one behavior for another is considered to be a
behavioral trade-off. This trade-off is done because the individual doesn't
believe they deserve better from themselves or others. This behavior is
typical in individuals who aren't able to keep to their standards. They
give themselves excuses to explain why they couldn't accomplish their
goals, and because of this, they will continue failing. It's also common in
individuals who are unable to assert themselves. They diminish
themselves in circumstances that they view as threatening. The threat
may be genuine in abusive situations, but in most typical cases, it isn't.
Procrastination
Procrastination is, by far, the most prevalent self-defeating behavior.For
example, if there's a work deadline, the individual may push it off until
very late. This action would result in them being overwhelmed by
imminent deadlines and often failing to meet their potential on projects.
This action could also affect one's finances if they delay important bills,
their health if they delay health interventions and their well-being as a
whole. On its own, avoiding the stress of procrastination is enough
reason to launch into action on time. However, the most crippling effect
of procrastination is that the individual always gets less than they could
have out of the same activity had they began on time.
Wrong Prioritization
An individual may schedule tasks that need the most focus and energy
towards the end of the day when they are tired and less efficient. This
same individual may prioritize going through their social media in the
morning rather than starting with more productive activities when
they're fresh and full of energy. This prioritization results in a negative
outcome. This small action could cost a person thousands of dollars in
annual revenue if done daily by self-employed individuals. This habit
could be a learned habit or unconscious self-defeating behavior; either
way, they get less from their time, ending up further and further behind
schedule with each passing day.
Being Forgetful
There are many reasons to be forgetful. One could have an overpacked
schedule, have certain health conditions like dementia, or they could
simply be past their prime. However, the forgetfulness we're discussing is
the kind that allows important matters to slip because the individual
merely forgot. Maybe they were supposed to go to their child's school at
4:00 pm, but remembered the appointment at 6:00 pm; perhaps they were
meant to pick up their spouse at lunchtime, but remembered at 1:30 pm
and arrived late. Not only does this look unprofessional, but it can
appear rude and cause rifts between the individual and essential people
in their life.
Performing Tasks Inefficiently
Performing a task at a much lower standard than one can, comes close
to the idea of procrastination. Let's say an employee needs to do a job at
the office, and rather than put in their best effort, do a shoddy job. This
individual probably earns less than they could, gains fewer promotions
than they could get, and ends up with less recognition for their work
than they could receive. There are several reasons for this; many times,
it's an unconscious drive to be mediocre.
Blaming Others
Someone failing to achieve their goals has two ways to look at how that
happened: they can choose to analyze their contribution to their failure
or blame factors outside themselves, such as others around them.
If they're having a rough time with loved ones, they may shift blame to
the other party and completely ignore their contribution to the problem.
For example, if they have difficulties in their relationship, they may
blame their spouse or parents for not bringing them up well enough.
Blaming others will hardly ever accomplish much for these people. They
may decide to drop their drinking habit but return to it soon after,
telling themselves that it's the alcohol manufacturer's fault. They may
steal money from a family member and blame them for not hiding the
money well enough. This toxic mindset only encourages them to find
excuses to plunge deeper into their self-defeating behavior.
Complaining about Being Unappreciated
This method is very similar to that of blaming others. Rather than
recognizing their subpar work, they blame the other party for not
appreciating their effort, using it as an excuse to defend their
underwhelming input. This method is a common approach amongst
couples where one party doesn't want to pull their weight. They may
claim that, had they been more appreciated, they would have done more.
However, this is just a diversion tactic to pin the blame for their actions
on someone else.
Perfectionism
Although perfectionism sounds like an empowering habit, it's a
backhanded way to excuse stalling necessary action. Perfectionism is a
perfect excuse to avoid publishing or finalizing your work because it's
not "right" yet. This habit shows in the writer who never published their
book because they don't have precisely the right words, or in the baker
who doesn't want to bake a wedding cake because they don't have the
right shade of pink frosting. Perfectionism is terrific when used to
empower oneself. However, when it is to delay action, it's just another
self-defeating behavior.
Self-Neglect
One of the more significant assets of life is the physical body. We're
generally of little impact if the physical body isn't functioning as well as
it can, so we ought to give the most outstanding care to ourselves. Self-
neglect causes the physical body to gradually degenerate, so the
individual becomes a little less effective in their endeavors with each
passing year. Other effects of self-neglect include looking unkempt,
constantly feeling fatigued, and being unable to accomplish simple tasks.
There are many reasons why someone would start on the path of self-
neglect. Prolonged sickness, mental health challenges, and certain types
of self-destructive behavior are the most common reasons.
However, anyone can develop a habit of self-neglect for reasons only
they can control. Often, self-neglect sets in after a painful experience.
Some of these individuals won't shower if they have nowhere to go. This
individual won't eat right because they are just out of a relationship.
There is no one to appreciate the effort; this person binges alcohol or
drugs because they react to other issues that they feel are more
important than self-neglect.
Self-neglect is the worst form of self-defeating behavior one can set into
motion. It is easy to get into self-neglect. It is almost always exceedingly
difficult to break free of its effects. Some people never quite recover from
the onset of self-neglect.
Frequently Criticizing Others
When someone cannot face their shortcomings, they may distract
themselves by focusing their criticisms on others. In a shady way, they
use the inabilities of others to excuse their own less than optimum input.
Unfortunately, these people also tend to be their own worst critics,
feeding themselves negative feedback on their appearance and abilities.
Listening Just to Raise Protests
Have you met people who only listen until they can find something to
dispute? This form of listening is self-defeating because the individual
trains themselves constantly to listen to argue rather than genuinely to
listen. This action puts them at risk of missing meaningful input in a
conversation. For example, this person could be a shopkeeper who
receives your feedback and, rather than act on it or try to help, argue
that your complaint couldn't be valid. This action may lead to a loss of
revenue for the business because no customer would want to return after
being challenged in such a way.
Gaslighting
Very similar to listening to argue is gaslighting. Gaslighting is the act of
manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts,
memories, and perceptions of the world. The purpose of gaslighting is to
make the speaker doubt themselves so that the individual gaslighting
does not need to look at their own poor behavior.
In extreme cases, gaslighting is also a form of emotional abuse. For
example, the abuser could be asked about something they broke. Rather
than look at how their own actions could have led to the item breaking,
the abuser would instead turn the matter against the speaker. They
would then introduce something as bizarre as claiming that the speaker
broke the item. But they just don't remember.
The individual who employs gaslighting as a tactic is avoiding looking
at their contribution to a problem.
And they prefer to make the other person feel inadequate and, in
extreme cases, delusional.
Thus they sabotage and alienate themselves from meaningful
relationships.
Being Disagreeable for the Sake of It
A close relative of listening-to-argue is the individual who has no
reasons to disagree or argue but will disagree just because they can. This
behavior can manifest itself in a colleague who protests a departmental
plan of action, will not offer an alternative, and continues to dismiss
every suggestion made. In time, such an individual will be alienated by
others and considered a disagreeable person who is unpleasant to work
around. They're more likely to be passed up for promotions if they
continue the behavior.
Perennial Irritability
Being moody can be a sign of many things, including an underlying
health problem, a change in physiology, or the onset of a life shift such
as pregnancy or menopause. If your moods suddenly become erratic,
make an effort to investigate why your emotional balance has shifted.
However, this kind of moodiness, the temporary and explainable kind, is
not the focus of this section. Our focus here is the kind of moodiness
where an individual is irritable as a default rather than as an exception
and for no apparent reason. They may even defend themselves by saying
something like, "it's just the way I am." However, no one is born moody.
We learn to be so, just like everything else. Moodiness often stems from
how the individual speaks to themselves. If their inner dialogue is
unfriendly to themselves, it may be unfriendly to the world as well.
Acting Hostile
This act is particularly harmful if the individual is hostile to others at
work or in social circuits. This action can be seen in a person who's
moved into a new neighborhood, but rather than making an effort to be
friendly, they go about treating everyone as a potential criminal. Hostility
for no good reason is self-defeating, as it locks one out of empowering
relationships that could otherwise have been of benefit to them.
Cynicism
The incurable cynic is always seeing the absolute worst in every
situation. They will narrate potential doom and gloom, even in situations
that have no negativity attached. This individual drains everyone around
them of energy. In time, such individuals will lock themselves out of
enriching interactions with others, thus isolating themselves from the
world.
This negative behavior can also appear in negative inner dialogue. The
cynic may start an exercise, then tell themselves things like "you will
never really make it," and as a result, they drop their plans.
Resenting the Opinions of Others
Similar to being disagreeable for the sake of it is the individual who
displays resentment by the opinions of others. Such an individual may
lash out at others who say anything that doesn't agree with their
opinion, eventually making those around them avoid interacting with
them as much as possible.
The difference between this individual and the disagreeable individual is
that they are overtly resentful and may hold a grudge for a long time
after a matter has been laid to rest. This action can be especially trying
for spouses or partners, as they will often leave the other party feeling
drained.
The Core of Self-Defeating Behavior
The bottom line is that all self-defeating behavior results in a lower
reward than the individual would've gotten had they chosen a different
set of actions. You need to be able to identify your behavior for what it
is when you're engaged in self-defeating activities.
How People Get into Self-Defeating Behaviors
If individuals practice self-defeating behavior personally, they'll be
alienated by the very people they want to have close, such as colleagues.
If an individual is alienated from most work interactions, they will be
left out of what's going on in the organization. Because of this, self-
defeating behavior can mean that this person won't achieve their
professional goals as effortlessly or as fast as they'd like to.
You may take a moment to identify if there are any of the behaviors
above that describe you. How does learning that you are sabotaging
yourself make you feel? Often, it makes people feel awful; they want to
change, but self-defeating behavior is usually much more profound than
something a person does once or twice. It is often a habitual response in
similar circumstances; the individual has practiced a particular way of
thinking in similar situations and thus reverts to the unwanted behavior
without being conscious of it. This undesirable behavior is distressing,
but it's not impossible to overcome.
Self-Defeating Behaviors are Comfortable Habits
As we discussed in chapter one, habits are formed by repetition. Not
only do you repeat a particular behavior until it becomes a habit, but
you also repeat it until it becomes second nature.
Mechanical habits can include driving, speaking a language, or playing a
musical instrument. These may not look like habits, but they are
behaviors that are practiced until they become second nature. It's why
the most important thing to be aware of in developing behavior is the
aspect of repetition. We learn all things by repetition, including self-
defeating behavior.
Repeated behavior is stored in the subconscious mind. The subconscious
mind is responsible for 90% of our daily actions, decisions, beliefs, and
ultimate choices. If the cues we give our subconscious mind are working
against us, life becomes doubly difficult. Thus, it is imperative to monitor
what behavior you are repeating.
If you repeat self-defeating behavior, you're telling your subconscious
mind, "this is the way I want to behave in these circumstances from
here on out." It's much more challenging to break a behavioral pattern
once it's set in at the subconscious level than it is to break it after the
first or second instance.
Sometimes self-defeating behavior starts as a coping mechanism. We
mentioned negative trade-off behavior at the start of this chapter. This
behavior is where the individual deliberately diminishes themselves to
keep the peace. A child growing in an abusive home may start to
diminish themselves deliberately to get off the radar of their abuser.
However, the mind will still internalize this behavior as a habit, even if
it's unintentional. Therefore, as an adult, such individuals will have
learned to diminish themselves even when the danger is long past. The
same is true of someone who begins diminishing themselves to cope with
an abusive partner; the behavior bleeds into their other relationships.
This idea is the most important takeaway from this chapter. Repeated
behavior indicates important behavior to your subconscious mind.
However, if the behavior is self-defeating, it will be much harder to
break free later when you want to achieve results that work for you.
Chapter Summary
In this chapter, we looked at self-defeating behavior in detail, with
multiple examples. The main things to remember are:

All self-defeating behavior gives the individual less than they

would've gotten from the same energy used in self-empowering
behavior.
Self-defeating behavior may start as a coping mechanism or
result from another life challenge, but the longer it's practiced,
the harder it becomes to break free from it.
If you recognize yourself in any of the above examples, we
implore you to ask yourself if you're getting your desired results
from self-defeating behavior.

In the next chapter, we'll offer a self-evaluation standard so you can dig
into your behavior and choose what to improve.
 3

A C LOS ER LOOK A T S ELF-DEFEA TING

BEHAVIOR

I n chapter two, we discussed self-defeating behavior and self-sabotage

in general. There are many aspects of self-sabotage. It is good for the
reader to know what specific types of behavior say about the individual
living the experience.
In this chapter, we'll give specific examples of self-defeating behavior and
point to how self-defeating behavior unfolds in essential areas of life. The
aim is to help you see different actions and choices in other
circumstances to determine what they mean.
The examples will also help you step away from your behavior and
examine it as an outsider. This detached view will remove the emotional
attachment we often have regarding our own lives, making it difficult to
be objective. This impartial view will enable you to evaluate your
behavior from a nearly academic stance. Experiencing this helpful
evaluation will make it easier for you to tackle your behavior when you
encounter it in your experiences hereafter.
We will first outline the circumstances and then pose questions you can
ask yourself. They will reflect how the behavior looks from the outside
and also give you a view of yourself. Treat this as a self-evaluation
chapter, and remember to be kind to yourself as you go through each
section. You are not wrong or at fault; what we want to accomplish is
self-improvement.
Planning Your Transformation
At the beginning of this book, we discussed that we had learned
everything we do throughout life; therefore, learning new skills and
behaviors is possible. This learning is called the growth mindset. The
growth mindset says there is room to learn new skills, habits, and ways
of being, while the fixed mindset claims that "this is just the way I am."
So how do you prepare for the change you want to see in your life?
Let's say you want to be more confident when presenting new projects at
work; how do you approach this change? What if you wish to change
your financial situation; what steps do you take to make that happen?
The preparation one puts into their intention to change makes a huge
difference. It separates the successful from the unsuccessful. If you walk
into the situation as you always have, you will do things the way you
have always done them, even if your logical mind knows you need to
change. Lack of preparation is a significant sign of self-defeating
behavior. You sabotage your potential for success long before you start on
the path of change if you make no preparation.
Here are a few questions to consider about how you prepare for changes
you want to see in your life:

Do I try to just get on with the change without planning how

to execute the new behavior?
Do I set aside time to prepare and plan how I'll behave in the
situations I want to change?
Do I need a new and conscious behavior to practice in place of
old, unwanted behavior?
Do I make daily incremental changes, or do I attempt total
change overnight and scold myself when I fail?
Do I blame others (spouse, parents, colleagues, etc.) for my
inability to change by claiming that I cannot change until they
do?
Do I remind myself that the change depends on me?
Self-Care and Feeling Great About Yourself
There are many aspects of self-care, but we will focus on how to take
care of your body. This self-care includes how you look, how you dress,
and how you think about yourself.
How you look is about how your physical form appears to you. There
are many vague beauty standards in society; those aren't the point of
this. Appreciation of your body as it is comes from within. Exercise is a
great way to boost your self-esteem and leave you feeling great about
how you look, even when nothing significant has changed.
How you dress is about giving yourself a boost of self-confidence to feel
invincible every time you step out. Taking care of your wardrobe is a
significant part of self-care.
How you think about yourself refers to your inner dialogue about your
self-perceptions. What do you see when you stand in front of the mirror?
How do you feel when you catch yourself slipping into bad habits? Are
you critical towards yourself, thinking, "I'm such an idiot," or are you
forgiving yourself, thinking, "I'll keep trying until I get it right, one step
at a time"?
Here are a few questions to gauge how you manage your self-care.

Do I buy clothes without considering how I will wear them and

look in them?
Do I consider how clothes look with my body type, skin tone,
and sense of style before purchasing and wearing them?
Do I usually buy the latest fashions and feel upset when they
look different from the model?
Do I take my time to select my clothes, knowing that my
appearance says a lot about me?
Do I have a health plan for my diet, hydration, beauty
products, recreation, rest, and mind to correctly take care of my
body?

Have I prepared things to say to myself to challenge my negative self-

perceptions?
Recreation and Pleasure
Recreation and pleasure are essential parts of living. Balanced individuals
who are alert to their quality of life need to consciously add recreation
into their life, as it allows us to unwind and refresh our energy.
However, many fall into familiar recreation patterns, such as drinking
alcohol, staying out late, partaking in indiscriminate sexual encounters,
gambling, and taking up recreational drug usage.
The problem with these recreational activities is that they tend to be
addictive. They take control of the individual, rather than the individual
taking control of their actions. More often than not, they also leave the
person feeling bad about themselves, which puts a dent in their sense of
self. They all come with adverse effects as well, to your health, your
finances, or both.
The moment you decide to make more out of your life, one of the first
demands that decision will make of you is to drop unhealthy
recreational habits and activities. The subsequent demand will be that
you take a long look at what "fun" means to you. Can fun be something
more wholesome for you? You need to evaluate how you want your
recreation and pleasure to look.
Here are a series of self-evaluation questions you might ask yourself
about your pleasure and recreation habits:
 Does a recreational weekend leave me worn out and frustrated,
or does it leave me energized and ready to face the weeks
ahead?
Do I have a clear recreational standard, or do I go wherever the
moment takes me?
Is my current recreational regime a denial-binge cycle?
Do I deny myself one type of pleasure and then undo that
victory by draining my hours in another kind of pleasure?

(An example would be denying yourself one drink at home and then
going out with friends and getting thoroughly drunk.)

Do I find ways to overcome possible impediments, or do I use

them to slip back into old behavior patterns?

(An example would be deciding to take dance classes but realizing that
the class is too far away and avoiding choosing another. This would
result in using the recreational time in the same old way.)

Do I make provisions for a wholesome hobby, or do I delay and

then give an excuse?

(An example would be planning to go for a hike, procrastinating on

buying necessary gear, and being unable to go since you don't have the
right equipment.)
Optimum Use of Time and Strength
Productive days make productive weeks, productive weeks make
productive months, and productive months make productive years. We
can make a great year one day at a time. How we use our minutes and
our hours makes a huge difference in the final evaluation of the day. A
day well-spent and a day poorly-spent are only so because of what we
decide to do with those minutes and hours.
It's not difficult to have a productive day as long as you make a plan
and execute it. If you don't get it right today, wake up again tomorrow
and work on it again. Keep working on making each day great and
productive, and one day, being productive will be the most natural thing
to do.
It may sound too contrived to always think about what you're doing
with your day on a minute-to-minute basis. What helps is to have your
goals in view and then to keep working toward those goals daily. If
they're goals that energize you, you'll have little to no struggle staying
on track. We'll discuss this in greater detail in the next chapter.
It's also worthwhile to examine repetitive activities that drain you of
emotional energy. Is there a more efficient way to do your taxes, clean,
sort your laundry, and remember your passwords? If mundane tasks
aren't well thought out, they can steal your time and drain you of
energy. It's exhausting always to start your taxes from the ground up. It
takes just that much more willpower to get a tedious task done than to
get an energizing job done. However, if you think of ways to make the
process efficient and pleasant, you'll get it done sooner, and you'll feel
less reluctant to do that task in the future.
How you manage your time is a massive part of making the best use of
your energy. Planning your day and your routines means you can get
the most out of your day rather than going into it haphazardly. Being
conscious of your larger goals and daily routines means the two can
harmonize to support your life improvement plans.
Here are a few questions you could ask yourself to evaluate how you
manage your time:

Have I identified my long-term goals?

Do I have a plan for achieving my goals?
Do my routines support my bigger goals?
Do I know how my routines impact my day and my use of time
and energy?
Do I waltz through one day to the next, or do I live a targeted
life?
Do I ask for help where I need it, or do I try to do everything
myself and end up tired and frustrated?
Do I fret and fuss about things I cannot change, or do I take
them in stride?
Do I take an active role in working on things that I can
change, or do I let deadlines pass, time go by, and generally
just let life control me?

Putting off Action until It's Too Late

Procrastination in some form happens to all of us. Procrastination is
putting off essential tasks. Someone may delay taking action as they try
to figure out how to emotionally respond to something, while someone
else may delay as they gather as much information as they feel they
need to make a decision. Delay, in and of itself, is not wrong; When one
uses the delay to put off necessary action, it becomes a problem.
To achieve the goals you set for yourself, you need to take action; there's
no way to reach new goals without action. Putting off efforts until the
last minute or until it is too late is procrastination. It is a habit that will
almost always kill your dreams and goals at inception. One of the most
common ways to support a procrastination habit is to be unaware of
how you speak to yourself. There are two ways of speaking to self in the
face of new and required action. You can ask yourself, "what do I need
to do to make this happen?" Or you can ask, "what will make this
difficult or impossible for me to accomplish?" These questions will not
have the same answers. If you focus on how to make your plans
succeed, your focus expands. Therefore, if you ask, "what will make this
work?" You'll get both the big and tiny pieces that will make your goals
attainable.
Suppose you ask, "what will make this impossible?" you will get both the
big and the tiny pieces that will make what you want to do impossible.
How you speak to yourself is about the focus and direction of your self-
talk. The inner dialogue focused on creating what you want will support
your goals, while the inner dialogue focused on obstacles and hindrances
will stall them. Procrastination is a mindset that looks for obstacles and
hindrances.
You may have decided to improve your diet. The procrastinating mind
will look for hindrances, seeing only the broken fridge, the distance to
the market, or their allergies. This mindset will conjure hindrances to
make the diet that much harder.
The mind determined to take action will ask if there are foods that don't
need refrigeration, look for shopping options like home delivery, and look
for food alternatives that don't contain their allergen. In other words,
how you speak to yourself determines how you approach possibilities or
hindrances.
A procrastinating mind also imposes roadblocks where none need to be.
This type of mindset is always an easy way to get out of the planned
action. For example, one may reason that if they don't have the money
to do everything they'd like at the moment, then they shouldn't begin at
all. This same mindset can lead to conclusions like "since I don't have a
weekend to visit a loved one, I won't call, either." In this way,
relationship goals slip past because you've set demands that are too
precise.
At work, procrastination can take many forms. You may regularly miss
essential steps in a process, thus needing to go back to the same
assignment twice. You may make the wrong moves, such as calling the
wrong company or person. What's happening here is that the mind is
putting roadblocks in front of you because you're focused on what won't
work rather than what will.
Here are a few questions to evaluate your procrastination habits:

Do I look for the surest way to complete a task, or do I

overcomplicate things by looking for perfect solutions that may
not exist?
Do I look for ways to maintain old routines because they're
familiar, or do I look for ways to adjust to new routines?
Do I spend time worrying about what won't work, or do I
invest my time finding strategies that support my goals?
Do I deny that action is necessary to accomplish my goals, or do
I embrace the need for action?
Do I put off setting definite plans to achieve my goals, or do I
put pen to paper and plan a course of action?

Deliberately Building Relationships that Support You

No man is an island; we all need people. Relationships are an integral
part of accomplishing goals. We can place all relationships into four
categories:

Relationships with friends (such as neighbors)

Relationships with family members (such as parents and
children)
Relationships with those in your field (such as colleagues and
customers)
Relationships with significant others (such as a spouse or other
form of partnership)
Focusing on the well-being of your relationships helps to avoid strained
relationships. This action can be stressors in your life that impact your
productivity and mental health.
If you have strained relations with neighbors, especially with frequent
interactions with them, the stress will seep into your life at home and
turn it into a stress zone rather than a relaxation zone. If you have
strained relations with colleagues, clients, or customers, that will affect
the quality of your work environment or even your income. The impact
of strained relationships with your family varies from person to person;
it's up to the individual to decide how much room they give to them. A
strained relationship with a significant other is always very impactful,
especially if you live with them. As such, to keep tension within that
relationship is a sure way of sabotaging self. If you are focused and
determined to accomplish your goals, then it is in your interests to keep
these relationships as supportive of your goals as possible. The focus for
all of these relationships remains the same: if there is strain, it will affect
you. Therefore, it's essential to do what you can to ensure that these
relationships are sources of peace rather than stress.
This idea brings us to the essential matter; we can't always determine
how others will behave and how this behavior will affect us. In some
situations, the impact is immense, while in others, it's inconsequential.
Assess your relationships and determine the ones that need your
attention. For those that need improvement, decide what's within your
ability to change and then take action. Reach for pleasant shared
experiences where possible. Don't settle for being the antagonistic party in
your relationships. This behavior is a precarious method of self-sabotage.
This stress can and will seep into other areas. You cannot have conflicts
with others that don't harm you.
Here are a few questions to help you evaluate your approach to essential
relationships:

Do I focus more on negative interactions or positive ones?

How do I speak about people to others?
Do I withhold information given in confidence, or do I share it
to trigger strife?
Do I share wholesome or devaluing information about the people
I know?
Do I wish others well, or do I try to bring them down?
Do I complain about the poor conduct of others when I behave
worse myself, or do I choose to raise the bar in the quality of
 interactions that I have with others?
If I have a relationship in need of repair, do I find ways to
improve my interactions with that person, or do I let the bad
blood fester?
Do I find ways to reach an amicable solution to situations with
my partner, or do I employ strategies that don't work, such as
the silent treatment, and then complain about the poor quality
of our relationship?
Do I demand things from others or set standards for them at
levels I cannot or do not reach myself?
Do I demand that colleagues always do things perfectly to my
standards, or do I give room for individual creativity as long as
they properly accomplish the task?
Do I listen to others, or do I know it all?
Do I take feedback gracefully, or do I sulk when I receive
critiques?
Am I known to lash out when in a bad mood, or do I work on
my emotional maturity and strive to keep my feelings in check
when necessary?

Chapter Summary
In this chapter, we discussed ways to evaluate your level of empowering
or destructive behaviors. It's important to remember that:

You must plan your transformation and take it one step at a

time.
Taking care of yourself through tending to your body and your
need for recreation will reduce stress and increase confidence.
Procrastination is the most common and socially acceptable form
of self-sabotage. It is also one of the most dangerous.
Building healthy and supportive relationships will help you to
avoid unnecessary stress in your life.

In the next chapter, we'll go through the seven-step process to

overcoming any self-defeating habits.
 4

SEVEN STEPS TO OVERC OME A NY SELF-

DEFEA TING HA BIT

A s we go into this chapter, it's important to remember that self-

defeating behavior becomes a problem because it is often repeated
enough to become your natural way of doing things. This repetition
means that your natural or most likely result will be disappointing.
Because of this, we must focus on building a new set of habits that
enable us to achieve our goals in record time. I have put together years
of research from well-established psychotherapy and counseling to give
you short and workable steps to overcome any self-defeating behavior.
With these steps, you'll make great strides in overcoming your self-
defeating habits.
Step One: Identify, Acknowledge, and Resolve to Change
Step one is a mental process in three parts. The first is to identify the
behavior you need to change, the second is to acknowledge your
findings and accept them, and the third is to resolve to change these
aspects of your life.
Identify.
The best way to do this is to keep track of your results from a list of
goals. If you set your goals at the beginning of the year, you can review
them and consider what you've accomplished at the end of the year.
What has changed? Have you achieved these goals or moved towards
them?
If you're honest with yourself at this point, most people discover that
they've maintained the same list of goals for several years without
making much, if any, progress. The most important goals are the ones
that tend to stagnate the most because you likely have the most vigorous
sense of self-defeat in that area. For example, if you've struggled with
your exercise habits for some years and you can't seem to pick yourself
up, it's likely because you struggle with a self-defeating inner voice
regarding your level of activity.
So, the first part of this step is to identify the areas in which you have
the most substantial challenge. An excellent way to do this is to write
down how you'd want to be if you were to achieve your dreams. From
that list, write why you are not moving in the direction of your dreams.
You'll likely find that your most prominent reason for your lack of
progress will be consistent throughout your goals. Let's pose an example
to illustrate what this means.
Let's say this is your list of goals that you've been struggling to achieve:

I want to make more money. Why do I struggle with this? I'm

always tired and sluggish.
I want to enter a loving relationship. Why do I struggle with
this? I'm too tired to go on dates and to take care of myself in a
way that will make me an appealing partner.
I want to start a healthier lifestyle. Why do I struggle with this?
I'm too exhausted after work to go to the gym, and I can't bear
to drag myself out of bed early enough to do it before I go to
the office.
After writing this list and locating the common hindrances, you could
reasonably conclude that your priority should be to find a way to
become more lively and energized. This list could include a change in
your diet, the addition of a low-key exercise routine, or something else,
but this will give you a place to start. Once you identify the areas where
your self-sabotage is hitting you the hardest, you can move to the next
stage:
Acknowledgment.
Acknowledging what you've found isn't the same as change. It is
acceptance. You need to avoid arguing with your findings and
defending your actions with an inner monologue that will keep you in
your old patterns. To acknowledge is to say, "yes, I see where the
problem is— that's it!"
The most crucial part of acknowledgment is to avoid abusing yourself.
This part is not a time to criticize yourself and give yourself a harsh
talking to, nor is it the time to tell yourself you never get anything
right. It's a time to quietly observe the data in front of you and see it for
what it is. What is the information saying to you?
Invariably, the data will say there's room for change and improvement.
So, what do you do with this newly accepted information? Will, you:
Resolve to Change? Although resolving to change sounds easy, it isn't.
This process is ongoing and takes place as you gather more data about
your problem. Let's say that you've identified that you have had a
continuous and unchanging goal to find a better-paying job. Now that
you've acknowledged that, you've gotten past your main point of self-
sabotage. Now you need to dig a bit deeper and identify why you
haven't yet met this goal. Perhaps in the first year, you told yourself
that working for your current employer was a good opportunity because
it would look great on your resume, so you stuck it out even though
you didn't like your job, the company, and even your colleagues. So,
what did you tell yourself in the second and third years? What are you
telling yourself currently?
Let's say that you've discovered that you're scared to state precisely what
you need. Any time you want to ask for better terms or wish to apply
for a job in a better firm, you stall because the thought of speaking up
terrifies you. Now, here is the process. You need to ask yourself:
What thoughts go through my mind that terrify me?
 When am I most likely to sabotage my decision to look for a new
job? Is it just after we get paid? Does receiving my paycheck give
me a temporary sense of well-being?
When am I most motivated to find a new job? Is it just after I've
argued with a colleague? Do bad relationships give me a knee-
jerk reaction with a momentum that I'm unable to sustain?
Why do you need to go through all that self-assessment? Half the
work of change is in self-awareness. If you know where you trip,
you can change. If you do not see where you trip, you will keep
tripping on the same bump.

You can use the same self-evaluation steps for any other area important
to you. What's important is identifying a pattern so you can figure out
what you need to change; once you've done this, you can resolve to
change. In some instances, you may find that you can trace your self-
defeating behavior way back into childhood. Although this isn't a deal-
breaker, identifying your self-sabotage from its earliest triggers will help
you grasp what is happening within you. Understanding this about
yourself will make it easier for you to be gentle with yourself, more
forgiving, and thus enable you to accomplish more. However, if you
can't go beyond a couple of years, that will not thwart your efforts at
self-improvement; almost all self-defeating behavior has a noticeable
pattern.
For example, let's say you have issues trusting your partners in romantic
relationships. You may enter a new and fantastic relationship, only to
start doubting the new person and accuse them of something they were
not even thinking of doing. Once they recognize the toxic situation and
leave you, you begin to believe self-defeating thoughts, like "I'll never
find love," "I'll never find an honorable person," "all the good ones are
taken," "I won't have a chance to be happy," and so on.
If you haven't noticed the pattern, you'll likely continue blaming your
partners. However, it may be your fault. This pattern could stem from a
bad experience in a past relationship or even from having an unfaithful
parent. Carrying these traumas into future relationships is unhealthy and
will result in minor issues becoming catastrophic events for your
relationships. Trust issues are a major self-sabotaging thing
to bring into new relationships.
Becoming aware of your thought patterns means that you can call
yourself to order before accusing your partner of something ridiculous.
This action will also allow you to take responsibility. Once you see your
contribution to your results, you may learn that it isn't other people that
are your problem but your toxic patterns of thought.
Once again, do not bash yourself for this. Simply acknowledge and
resolve to change. The past is what it is; there's no point in being mean
to yourself about it. Decide to move on.
Step Two: Plan with the End in Mind
What's your ideal outcome?
After you've identified the areas that need to be changed, you need to
determine your goal. Ask yourself this: "If I attained this goal, what
would my results look like?" You can tailor this question more specifically
to your goals, as well: "What kind of money would I like to have? How
would I like my bank account to look? How should my life look? Where
would I live?"
Formulate your goal as though you already have it. Don't worry about
what you'll do to get there yet, and remember that the questions you ask
yourself will determine the answers you get. If you ask yourself, "what
will enable me to achieve this goal?" You will get enabling answers. If
you ask, "what will make this impossible to attain?" You will get
hindering conclusions.
Do this in whatever areas you are looking to change. If you're to work
on more than one area, prioritize one for now. Start with the area that
affects everything else, then work your way to the next most important,
and so on until you've thought through them all.
You'll want to take another piece of paper and outline the best strategy
you can envision to accomplish this. This plan can change, but you'll
still want to have a plan in writing. Formulating this plan could take
some days, but the idea is to get your mind to begin forging a path
towards your goal. Put your best plan in place, even if you don't have
any of the inputs available to you. Keep an eye on the prize.
If finances are your most pivotal goal, stick with it. Whether it's getting
a better job or getting better training, ask yourself this: what do you
need to do to make that happen? What would you need to do to earn
money to enable you to achieve your financial goals? There's nothing
mystical about this process; it's all logic. Take a calm look at your
circumstances and decide what you can do to make your visions come
true.
Step Three: Rewrite Your Mental Script
This step is the most delightful, pivotal, and occasionally the most
challenging part of the process. To change your self-image, you need to
rewrite your mental script.
First, consider this: what is your self-image?
Your self-image is how you view yourself, specifically in light of the
goals you want to accomplish. The most common reason that most people
don't achieve their goals is that they hold a self-image that conflicts with
who they believe deserves to attain those goals. For example, let's think
about finding a life partner. Let's say your first life partner let you down
very badly, and you've relived that breakup multiple times, turning it
into a toxic pattern of thought. Now that you're looking to find a life
partner, these patterns of thought have tainted your perception of your
newest relationship, and you're causing tension in the relationship that
eventually ends with its end.
Now, deep within you, this is being internalized: "I've been left for no
apparent reason. How did I miss the signs?" This toxic pattern will train
your subconscious to constantly watch for signs that your partner is
about to leave you. There are many things that you could do to get out
of this pattern of thought.
In step two, you could speak to a friend and find out what they think
happened. Be open to feedback. If you were deeply affected by a past
failed relationship, you could choose to find and work with a therapist
so that they help you constructively replay the event. Together, you can
sift through and identify how the breakup came to be. Alternatively, if
you've recently met someone, you could open a discussion to establish a
more open communication strategy between the two of you.
However, your self-talk is the most important. The method to use here is
called Mind Hacking. Mind Hacking is a term popularized by Sir John
Hargrave in his book of the same title; it's a simple yet powerful
technique for rewiring your mind. The basic concept is that if you take
time to listen to your thoughts, you'll soon recognize "you" are thinking
the thoughts that go through your mind, but you are not your mind.
Not everything you believe is automatically true. Not only are many
beliefs untrue, but they're also not beneficial. The purpose of the mind
hacking exercise is first to question if your thoughts are true and next to
choose thoughts you want to have.
So, you now have an area you've decided to improve. To hack your
mind, you need to listen to your thoughts concerning the matter at
hand. We've given an example of finances in this chapter, so what
crosses your mind when you start to think about money? If this is
something you struggle with, the thoughts will most often be negative.
They might be similar to this: "I don't have enough money." This
thought sounds like an innocent enough thought; accurate, even. That is
until you start following the loop.
The loop is the other thoughts that follow your initial idea. As you
follow these, you'll observe that your brain will start on a path that
leads to something like "but I can never make enough money." For the
sake of this example, let's say you want to be thinking, "I know how to
make more money. I have brilliant ideas on how to make more money. I
have an eye for new opportunities. I know exactly how to do it."
These kinds of thoughts are the ones you'll want to write out. Make a
list of these alternative thoughts and memorize them. Now, each time
you start to think about money and your brain is about to go on the "I
don't have money" trip, call it back and refocus on the thoughts you've
already planned to think. The purpose of mind hacking is to retrain and
refocus your mind away from negative mind loops that sabotage your
goals to new thought loops that support your dreams. We'll discuss mind
hacking in more detail in the next chapter.
Step Four: Practice the New Thoughts and Actions
At this point, you've already decided on the best path to achieve your
goals. You have also planned a series of thoughts to encourage yourself
on your journey. Practice the two as often as you can. As often as you
catch yourself thinking the old self-sabotage thoughts, shift your mind
and deliberately think the new set of thoughts. Look at yourself in the
mirror as you dress and repeat your collection of thoughts until they
become your way of being. For your action points, keep track of actions
you complete and tick them off your list.
Step Five: Assess Your Progress
You must by now have recognized that you are doing a lot of self-
evaluation. So, the next step is to assess your progress and reflect on
what you've accomplished. This evaluation will allow you to become
more aware of yourself and why you do things the way you do them.
Yours is a unique journey, so only you can decide how often you will
evaluate yourself. However, a good time could be on the weekend when
you're enjoying your time of rest and recreation. Set aside time to think
about your goals, and always remember to celebrate your successes. Any
small step in the right direction is a win, so acknowledge it! Embrace
your improvements, no matter how small.
Step Six: Make Adjustments
As you reflect, continue making adjustments so you can hone and
optimize your process. These adjustments are not a one-day process.
Remember that you've attained some level of mastery over self-sabotage,
so now is the time to practice self-improvement.
Keep adjusting. If the script of your list of thoughts is feeling awkward
or too wordy, change it. Snip off excess words. The mind typically loops
in phrases and isolated words rather than complete sentences, so make
your list follow the same pattern.
If your targets are hazy, make them more specific. If your goals aren't
energizing you, adjust them so they make your heart and mind sing.
Step Seven: Return to Step Four and Keep Following Through
These are your seven steps. Following them will turn your life around in
tangible ways, but don't expect total change in a day. Keep at it until
following these steps comes naturally.
Chapter Summary
In this chapter, we introduced the seven steps to overcome any self-
defeating habit. As a recap, the seven steps are:

1. Identify, acknowledge, and resolve to change.

2. Start with the end in mind; decide on your ideal outcome and
make a plan to achieve it.
3. Rewrite your mental script. Through mind hacking, develop a
series of supportive thoughts to fall back on when you find
yourself slipping into a negative inner monologue.
4. Practice, practice, practice.
5. Set aside time to assess your progress to make sure you're on
track. Celebrate your wins.
6. Make any necessary adjustments to your plan to make it work
for you.
7. Return to step four and keep following through the steps.
 5

META C OGNITION TO REW RITE S ELF-LIMITING

MENTA L SC RIPTS

I n chapter four, we discussed the seven steps to overcoming self-

limiting behavior. In this chapter, we'll delve much deeper into step
three, Mind Hacking, and expand the concept by detailing metacognition
and the skills within it.
Metacognition is the no-nonsense technique for rewriting self-limiting
mental scripts into healthier ones. It's a mental exercise where you
consciously bring to the surface your internal dialogue, the one you keep
repeating to convince yourself of certain negative truths. Through
metacognition, you recognize and then actively rewrite, reprogram, and
revise your inner dialogue into something more positive and helpful for
your life.
The word "metacognition" has two parts: "Meta-" a prefix that means self-
referential, and "cognition," which means thinking. Thus, "metacognition"
means "self-referential thinking," or, put more simply, thinking about
thinking. Metacognition is a skill that takes practice to look at and
analyze your thought patterns to become aware of how your mind
works.
Throughout this chapter, keep in mind the Mind Hacking script you
started to develop in chapter four. At the end of this chapter, you'll have
skills and tools that will help you turn that script into a powerful agent
of change for any goal that you set for yourself.
The Role of the Subconscious Mind
Why would you invest time in becoming aware of what's going on
within your thoughts?
While it's a common misconception that humans only consciously use
10% of their minds (Chew 2018), the subconscious mind still controls a
staggering amount of our body and mind. The subconscious mind
includes our body's automatic life-sustaining functions like breathing,
pumping blood, and digestion, as well as the thought patterns we
discussed previously. These thought patterns in the subconscious mind
also handle beliefs or habits, which will work in much the same way as
your heart pumping blood; you are generally unaware of it, but it will
significantly affect you.
This thought pattern also means that your subconscious mind is
responsible for believing and perceiving many things. This idea conveys
that an amalgamation of data greatly influences these beliefs and
perceptions you have collected over time, especially repeated stimuli, as
this can make such views your natural way of being.
Fears are a good example. Have you met someone who has an irrational
fear, knows that it's irrational, but still can't break away from it no
matter how ridiculous it is? This irrational fear happens because the
belief that this fear is dangerous to them is stored in the subconscious
mind. As such, they have little conscious control over how it manifests;
it controls them instead of the other way around. Do you see the
problem with fears dominating the fearful? That person will have
hampered control over the manifestation of their fear and how it affects
their choices and decisions.
Metacognition serves to bring these fears, beliefs, and habits to your
conscious awareness. Once you become aware, you will have the ability
to consciously manage the processes happening beneath the surface of
your mind. If this reveals negative thought loops, individuals will know
to correct their thinking to avoid continual self-sabotage. If, on the other
hand, the process beneath the surface is positive and empowering, then
the individual can be satisfied knowing that they are genuinely doing
their best to do things in ways that support their goals.
Metacognition Skills
We mentioned briefly in the last chapter, Mind Hacking, the process of
shifting thoughts that are beneath the surface. We will now discuss
various metacognition skills that you can employ to become more aware
and control how your mind influences your behavior and decisions.
Identifying Mental Scripts
The first skill is to identify mental scripts. Let's quickly highlight a
matter. If you desire something, but it has eluded you perennially, take a
pause and evaluate. A good example is "more money." You might already
know that wanting more money hardly ever translates to an increase in
income. Wanting it badly— really, really badly— does not translate to more
money, either. So what exactly is going on?
Within you is a belief system that runs counter to your desire for more
money. Here is what is even more critical. The brain is naturally wired
to protect you from pain and take you towards pleasure. Therefore, if
you believe that what you desire will take you towards pain at some
unconscious level, you will automatically sabotage your desire every time.
Fear of success is genuine, and it manifests in many areas of life.
We sabotage relationships because we think it is unfair to be happy
when many people are unhappy. We don't want to be alone as happy
people because we believe that we'll be alone if everyone else is sad and
we are happy. Yes, it is contorted, but the unconscious mind is not
wired to make sense; it is wired to protect you.
We sabotage our successes in business, careers, and money. At some level,
we equate success with loss of freedom, being away from family,
rejection, being different in the family, being inundated with demands
from others who aren't doing as well, being exposed to more crime, and
a whole litany of inner arguments. We sabotage a healthier lifestyle
because, at some level, the unconscious mind equates to a healthier
lifestyle, exercise, and a great diet with self-denial, pain, and a loss of
the ability to eat tasty foods.
Whatever your area of struggle, you are looking at a mental script that
will NOT let you do what it takes to succeed. Therefore, identifying
mental scripts is the first stage of shifting from self-defeating habits to
empowering habits.
Writing out your most prevalent thoughts is a simple but powerful way
to identify your mental scripts. If you wish, pick a small notebook and
keep it handy. If you are more inclined to digital solutions, look for a
notebook app and use it. Start to keep a log of prevalent thoughts you
have around the topic you want to shift. If it's money, what are your
overall thoughts about money? If it's your career or business, what are
your prevalent thoughts on that topic? If you keep a log for at least a
week, you will start to see a pattern, and if you keep one for even
longer, you may be shocked at how gloomy your thoughts are around
the topic.
You may also recognize that some scripts launched way back in
childhood. Some may express themselves using the voice of an opinion
shaper. You may hear a parent's voice or that of a teacher. In some way,
these people helped shape your beliefs.
Be very aware of what thoughts you collected through books, movies,
TV, and other mass-media communication and entertainment. It's also
essential to be conscious of standardized education and how repeated
ideas can become wedged into our subconscious minds. Friends,
colleagues, neighbors, and people we spend time with also play a
significant role in helping us solidify concepts that then go ahead to
shape our beliefs. Becoming aware of the ideas that shape your beliefs
hands you power. After that, you can choose if you will continue
holding those beliefs or you will change them.
When deciding what beliefs to maintain and which to change, it comes
down to this: if they aren't helping you get to where you want to go,
why should you continue believing it? If a belief is not helping you
achieve your goals, you have no reason to sustain it. It matters little to
nothing who taught you to believe in a certain way. If it's not serving
you, you should look into changing the thought pattern?
Self-Questioning
Self-questioning is the act of pausing before or during a task to check
your actions consciously. This act requires you to calm yourself enough
to ask how you are thinking at the moment, how you are performing,
and if there is a better way to do what you are doing. This skill will
reveal either supportive inner dialogue or self-defeating inner dialogue. If
you come by self-defeating internal dialogue, acknowledge and accept it
for what it is. You started to think that way because your brain was
convinced that is the best way to protect you, so you don't need to beat
yourself up for it. Self-defeating dialogue from within is not a bad thing.
It would help if you embraced the resistance to conquer. Do not fight it.
Do not blame yourself. There was wisdom that your unconscious mind
intended, and that is the wisdom to achieve. You do, however, need to
make the call on whether this self-defeating dialogue still serves you in
your current stage of life.
Let us say, for example, that your subconscious mind argues against
saving money. You discover that any time you have cash on you, the
impulse to buy things you had not planned for grows. If you pause to
question yourself, your inner dialogue might tell you that saving is a
form of sacrifice intended to deprive you of the good things you desire.
Depending on your current financial situation, this could be either true
or false. There could have been a time when saving was denying
yourself the delightful things you wanted, but if your financial priorities
have changed, this could change as well. The belief can stick regardless
of whether or not it is still applicable to your life, and sometimes it will
not only stay with you but impede your progress along the way. If this
is the case, it is no longer serving you.
Take a moment to ask your subconscious mind why you hold the
thoughts that you do. This self-exploration may take a day or more,
while other times, it might be instant. However, you want your mind to
know that you don't discount your truth. You only desire to shift it into
a new direction. So work with these resistances when you discover them.
Inquire from within; what is the resistance telling you? What details does
it have that you could be missing?
Could it be that you have fear? If so, try to get specific details about
what that fear is telling you. Get curious; ask your subconscious mind
for more information. What about your desired action or desired success
is your mind associating with fear? False associations are common in our
minds; we grow up gathering stimuli through our formative years and
into and after our time as teenagers. Because of this long and confusing
trail of information, the mind will occasionally associate one wrong thing
with another. For example, a child who isn't able to sift and sort
different information given to them by adults may not be able to draw
the proper positive and negative associations from stories. Suppose this
child grows up in a home where people openly discuss painful events in
the lives of colleagues and neighbors. In that case, they may make odd
associations that they carry into their adult lives, such as linking the
abandonment of loved ones with having a successful career. If this type
of association is made, a child may think, "if I become successful, I will
need to leave my loved ones, but I would not want to hurt them that
way." They may also listen in on a discussion where someone was
abused by their mother and then falsely associate being a mother with
abuse, regardless of how caring their mother is.
No matter how silly these associations may seem, a person could carry
them into maturity and adulthood through our subconscious. Carrying
out self-questioning allows you to get to the core of what
your subconscious mind seeks to protect. To really get into quality self-
questioning, train yourself to be quiet within. If you let yourself listen to
that soft inner voice, you will discover gems out of the deepest part of
your mind.
Meditation and Reflection
As implied in the last section, metacognition skills work best in silence,
particularly inner silence. Meditation is the act of being silent and
reflective. It is a powerful practice to incorporate into one's daily routine.
One beautiful discovery you may make during meditation is the nearly
constant chatter that goes on in your mind. It is almost impossible to
hold one thought for anything more than a couple of seconds; however,
it is possible to intentionally direct thoughts with practice.
Meditation and reflection go hand in hand. You may choose a matter to
reflect upon as you go into your time of silence; once you have found
the calmness of mind, deliberately direct your thoughts to the topic you
want to reflect on and listen as new thoughts arise.
Brainwave function is an essential aspect of meditation. If the electrical
circuit flowing through your brain is measured, the electrical waves are
different with each brain function. Brain waves are measured in cycles
per second or hertz (Hz). The most common brain wave function is the
active day brain. These are rapid brain waves or beta brain waves; many
short and immediate thoughts are flowing through the mind in this
state, never staying very long.
The brain can be slowed down towards sleep by the simple conscious act
of focusing the mind. Some ways of concentrating may be to think about
your breath, focus on a phrase or a word, or focus on the backs of the
eyelids with one's eyes closed. Slowing down your thoughts is desirable
because once they're slowed sufficiently, you'll be able to identify the
information flowing from your unconscious mind. This slower brain
function is the alpha brain state.
The delta brain state is even slower. You are still aware of your
surroundings in the delta brain state, but not as much as you would be
in the higher brain states. If you slip into a sleep-state here, you are
likely to have a dreamless sleep.
The following and slower brain function are theta waves. In this state,
you will likely have an evident awareness of your mind and the silence
within it. If you choose a topic in this state, you will be able to direct
your thoughts in a very deliberate way. If you fall into a sleep state
here, you may dream, but if you can maintain this state of mind
without falling asleep, your brain will go into the next brain state. This
state is where things get interesting.
The next stage is the gamma brain state. Gamma brain waves are the
realm of genius. In this state, you are deeply receptive to the impulses
from your subconscious mind. This action means that you will directly
influence your subconscious mind if you think of your goals in this
brain state. Most people need a lot of self-training to slow their minds
enough to get to gamma. In this state, you are super-charged, and
anything you conceptualize will come to be in short order. However,
even without getting into this slowed-down brain wave function, you
can still influence your subconscious mind profoundly through
the use of repetition.
Awareness of Your Strengths and Weaknesses
In this meditation practice and reflection, take time to self-evaluate who
you are, what your strengths are, and where your weaknesses lie,
whether you're having undetermined troubles at work or home or
having already planned and identified the areas of your life that need
work. Quietly and meditatively, assessing how well equipped, you are to
achieve the desired results will certainly aid you as you move forward.
Deliberate learning, especially about oneself, is an essential aspect of
growth. Once you have decided what area you wish to enhance, look
for relevant information to improve your knowledge in that area. If you
are focused on a better relationship, look for books and other reference
materials about strengthening your relationships.
In this way, you will improve on your areas of weakness and enhance
your strengths.
Awareness of Your Learning Style
Some of us learn best from what we hear, others through what we feel,
and others through what we see. The most effective learning method is
one that will use all three methods of communication. These methods are
why movies and TV are so influential; they merge all three ways of
communicating into one, so you're able to learn and absorb information
using all three types of learning stimuli. For this reason, you will want
to make your metacognition practice one that incorporates all three
methods of communicating to your subconscious mind to ensure that
your technique is impactful.
So pause here. Now is the time to reflect on the script that you started
to develop in the previous chapter. You may have already added some
points to it in this chapter, but how can you make this script work for
you more powerfully?
To add audio, you can add music to your meditation time. Finding
calming music will help you get to the lower brain wave states sooner.
Soon enough, your brain will associate this music with slowing down
and meditating, meaning that you'll be able to reach your desired brain
state much faster.
To add visuals, you can find pictures and illustrations that represent
what you want to have. Design a picture of the perfect scene that
represents the goals you want to achieve. For example, if you want a
new relationship, find photos of happy people in a relationship and use
the energy of these pictures to create your mental image. When you go
into meditation, use these mental images and hold onto them when your
mind is in the lowest possible brain wave state that you can achieve.
Once you have your ideal vision in mind that you've derived from the
pictures, please close your eyes and practice envisioning it to turn this
into a solid mental visual.
If you practice this daily, you'll be able to watch your life gradually shift
in ways you never thought possible.
Mind Hacking and the Metacognition Script
Let us now turn our full attention to the script you have been
developing up to this point. Earlier in this chapter, we encouraged you
to identify how you think. We also suggested that you create a list of
thoughts to fall back on rather than succumbing to negative self-talk. If
you do this for a couple of days or even a few weeks, you will indeed
have seen a pattern emerge.
Using this list and pattern, you can now begin to mind hack. Here is
how to start:
Take your list and create another list of the new alternative thoughts
that you want to think. With your first list before you, this should flow
relatively easily. If you are having a hard time, look at your list daily
until you find the right combination of phrases that speak to you. For
example, if you find that you often say to yourself, "exercise is hard," try
turning this into "exercising becomes easier each time I exercise."
Remember that in another chapter, you outlined the action you will take
to accomplish the goals you have set for yourself. When writing this
plan, be sure to account for regular practice of your alternate phrases.
For the next sixty days, resolve to repeat your new set of thoughts and
get into your routine daily or at whatever frequency you set for yourself.
The frequency must be at least three times a week, but every day is even
better. Now, on each day you've promised yourself to do this, make sure
that you read this script. Memorize it and say it to yourself out loud to
help yourself remember and internalize its messages. If it is a meditation
practice, you can even go into your session of silence twice daily.
Thinking Aloud
Speaking out loud to yourself is a powerful self-improvement tool because
your subconscious mind is already familiar with your voice. If you can
incorporate a daily session where you speak out loud to yourself using
the script you have developed, the message will reach your subconscious
mind sooner.
Planning Ahead
It is crucial to promise yourself that you will never again go into a
situation of importance without adequate prior preparation. For example,
if you have a work event and want to improve your work situation,
prepare for the event thoroughly before going into a meeting or a
presentation. Alternatively, if you are planning to make more money, sit
and plan the exact path you will follow to earn the money you desire.
As you take time in your moments of silence, new ideas will flow to you
if you ask your subconscious mind for the answers.
Make your subconscious mind your growth partner. Reach out to it
when you need new ideas. Ask it, "how can I do this better?" and allow
your subconscious mind to give you answers, either during your time of
silence or as you go about your daily business. Doing this will make
your subconscious mind your best friend when you are planning.
Taking Action
The underlying ticket to absolute success with your new way, new
habits, and new heights is action. Reading this book is all very well, but
you will not accomplish your dreams unless you take action. For each
step in your plan with a suggested action step, make sure you take the
necessary action.
Part of the action you will need to take is practicing your script and
working on your goals constantly. Goals that move you exactly where
you want to go will energize you and encourage you along your path.
The more you practice achieving your goals, making progress, and
moving in the direction you want to go, the easier it will become. Soon,
it will be your natural way of being. Best of all, once you achieve one
small goal, you get excited that you can achieve your other goals. This
way is not only successful but also exhilarating.
If you read this chapter more than once, you will come to see that there
is a very definite pattern to arrive at success. Success is not an accident
— success is a decision.
Chapter Summary
In this chapter, we discussed all the tools and skills that go into
metacognition. We have also detailed the power of the unconscious mind,
how to refine your mind hacking plan. We have also looked into the
following metacognition skills:

Identifying mental scripts.

Self-questioning.
Meditating and reflecting.
Becoming aware of your strengths and weaknesses.
Becoming aware of your learning style.
Thinking aloud.
Planning.

In the next chapter, we will discuss taking action and looking at

strategies to overcome possible impediments and self-defeating behavior
that may stop us from taking necessary action.
 6

TA K ING A C TION A ND BEC OMING C ONSISTENT

I n chapter four, we looked through and discussed various

metacognition skills. They are steps to bring what is happening
within the unconscious mind into focus in the conscious mind. When
you grasp what is happening in your subconscious mind on that
thinking level, usually running in the background, you can take back
your power and soar in whatever path you choose. We concluded that
chapter by encouraging you to take action, as action is where the magic
happens. This chapter brings that a notch higher and makes it more
specific: consistent, constant, and regular action is the real magic.
It is one thing to take action, but it is another thing entirely to take
consistent action in a specific direction. Constant, consistent, and regular
action is the sure way to move from today to where you want to go.
Since the action is conscious, the results are practically guaranteed; you
guarantee your success.
A new inner script needs to be repeated often enough for the message to
reach the subconscious mind to make it effective. That repetition is
positive and definite reinforcement. The beneficial version you have
intentionally developed will gradually replace either a self-limiting belief
or habit through repetition.
As shown in chapter four, this practice is step four of our seven-step
process. Keeping the new path constant, consistent, or regular is another
tricky aspect of change; it is easy to slip back into old patterns because
they are familiar, and your mind doesn't understand the hassle. To your
brain's understanding, the old system was serving you just fine. You
could cope and be saved from tragedy and disaster, so why are we
changing things? This idea is the heart of this whole book; it is where
self-sabotage thrives.
Awareness that your brain will work to sabotage you is the reason to
take this process of changing a lot more seriously. Most people fall short
of their aim to control their self-sabotaging mindset or behavior because
they assume their mind is on board with the plan; however, it rarely is.
Because of this, in your self-improvement journey, you will have to take
a conscious approach to make the change happen. However, this is not
to say that change is only for the thoroughly disciplined.
Since I recognize it is not an easy journey, this chapter is deliberately
formed to help you overcome mental resistance and allow your mind
and body to get on board with your plan. Discipline can be practiced,
just like anything else, until it too becomes a natural way of being. We
will walk together and ensure that, even in the face of the inner
resistance, you don't have to end up with a failed initiative at self-
improvement. This chapter is a chapter to cement your journey to
achieve what you seek for yourself.
Have a Great Action Plan
By now, you probably have a reasonably good idea of where you will
start to shift your life in a specific direction. Knowing where you want
to go is an excellent place to start. However, having not just a plan but
a good plan is one of the best ways to help yourself overcome the inner
resistance that may arise. To create a good plan, work with a written
document. Put the project in a tangible form. This plan need not and
should not be complicated; just let it flow with your nature. If you
already make handwritten lists, then this should be a handwritten list. If
you ordinarily work with an app on your phone or laptop, then use the
same medium.
So, what do you put on this list? From large to small, every resource
you think you may need to make your goal a reality. The power of a
written plan is that it moves your ideas from the intangible realm of
thought and vision to the tangible form of a document that you can see
and touch. By making it digitally or physically, you have brought it into
a state that you can interact with in real-time.
Most of us already know how to plan, but we usually do not use our
planning skills for life goals and self-improvement. For example, picture
your plan to go out for a weekend; depending on your personality, you
may start planning a couple of days earlier or a couple of weeks earlier.
You calculate the costs, the items you will buy, where you will buy
them from, who you will go with, how you will link up, the route you
shall follow, what vehicle you shall use, and so on. So, you see,
planning is not something we do not already know how to do; we also
have to plan our goals.
Whether this goal is about relationships, finances, health, careers,
recreation, or anything else, plan every single thing you need or think
you need to achieve the income you desire. Put everything in an
itemized list and write what you will require to make it happen. The
column next to your list is where your very keen focus will go.
Eliminate All Excuses and Impediments
Remember, we are still implementing the action plan that you have
designed to achieve your goal. The next step in boosting your
implementation strategy is to eliminate all excuses and impediments. For
example, let's say you have decided to get fit. One of the items on your
list is to "enroll in a gym." While looking at gym enrollment on your list,
you realize that you need gym wear. You add gym wear to your list of
things you need to make your fitness goal a reality. Let us then say that
you do not have gym wear. Now you have an impediment that you did
not have before. If you are going to have to go to the gym and you
have to have gym wear, do you have the resources for both enrolling at
the gym and buying gym wear?
These are the types of moments in which your subconscious mind comes
in and says, "oh, but we don't need to start on the fitness plan right
away. We need gym wear first. It can all wait. It is not a crisis."
Wrong strategy! You want to start achieving your goals immediately
when the fire is hot and when you are motivated. Eliminate your
excuses and take away the points of resistance. To do that, you can go
back to the list and remap the items that come with an impediment.
For the gym situation, do you have to start an exercise routine at the
gym? Do you need new clothes, or can you improvise with items in your
current wardrobe? Usually, the answer will be "maybe" or "not really." If
the answer is yes, I must start at the gym, and yes, I must have new
gym wear, find a way to deal with that issue while you have the
motivation to do so. What you will discover from this exercise is there
are hardly any impediments that you cannot circumvent. This action
happens because we rarely want things that we can't attain.
we rarely want things that we have no way
Please read that once again:
to attain. We have what it takes to achieve what we desire. If your
mind has conjured that you wish to have it, then you have a way
within you to attain it.
Therefore, if you have an impediment, it is only a roadblock in your
mind but not a real hindrance. If you look at it critically, you will
always be able to find a way either through it or around it. So, this
brings us to our next tip: start your implementation plan immediately.
The power of your goal is not in writing it. It is actually in working the
program. There will be many decisions to make along the way, but the
magic is in the doing. The magic is always in the doing, not in the
thinking of doing.
Perfect Moments Do Not Exist
Many people procrastinate their goals because they wait for the "perfect
moment" to begin pursuing them. However, perfect moments do not exist.
Therefore, there will always be something happening that will affect
your decision in one way or another. So make room for your resolve.
Decide and move! Your life will always be happening, and you will
always be living it.
Unless you stop living to create nonexistent perfect circumstances, the
best time to implement your plan is now. At this time, when you are
excited to pursue your goals, this is the best moment you will ever get.
Take a Step, Even if You're Only Half-Ready
We like to be ready for things; we want to have our ducks in a row.
However, when it comes to the battle between you and your
subconscious mind, stalling at this time is a death blow to your plans.
Vast numbers of people give up at this point.
Since you have a clear list of all the things you need to do to make
your goal a reality, start ticking off items on the list. Start eliminating
the ones you can do immediately and decide to follow through on the
ones that need a bit more out of you. All goals are, in reality, just a
series of smaller steps and minuscule actions but executed against a
known plan. Success, then, is definite steps taken towards an actual and
known result. So, start stepping!
Lose Your Fear of Failure
Most things will never happen the way we envision them in our minds,
so it is futile to fear this kind of "failure." Sometimes, the fear we have
of failure stems from the inner question, "what will others think?" The
others here could be a significant other, a friend, a colleague, or anyone
whose opinion matters to you. Here is where we often miss in those
paralyzing thoughts: no one else has the script but you. Everyone else is
on the outside looking in; you are the only one on the inside looking
out. As such, there is no perfect or error-free way of doing something
because if you do not get it done just so, you are the author of the
script anyway; you can change your parameters and rules to suit your
unique types of success. This idea is accurate for both big goals as well
as the lesser goals.
If you take a moment to think critically through it, you are the only one
holding the execution plan. The size of the goal is not the issue. The
plan that you wrote earlier is yours. You are the author, and you can
adjust it at any point during the execution of it. Such a change will
help you get to your goal better and faster.
Common Setbacks
These are some common setbacks that people experience while attempting
to take action. It is essential to be aware of them to recognize and
address them before they kill your momentum.
Analysis Paralysis
Taking time to make choices, evaluate the best options, gather data, and
analyze said data is excellent. It's a crucial part of the decision-making
process. However, if you are overthinking, over-evaluating, and over-
gathering, you have entered into analysis paralysis.
Analysis paralysis, or paralysis by analysis, is another type of self-
defeating behavior. You probably know how it works; you want to do
something, but it takes you months, even years, to start because there
are too many possible options and too many ideas flowing into your
awareness. The most logical argument from the mind stuck in the
paralysis by analysis rut says, "but I need to get it right. I need to make
the best choice. I need what will work best for me."
All of those sound like pretty good points, and they are sound logic.
However, the problem with them is that they are taking you back into
something we mentioned earlier: the search for perfection. Life never
gives perfect situations, perfect options, or perfect circumstances. We are
the ones that make what we get perfect.
As you write your list of things to do, whatever you have in hand and
in your mind at that moment of planning is the perfect option. If
another better alternative comes up, it will find you in motion, moving
towards where you wanted to go.
Train yourself to recognize stalling that uses "I'm still working out the
details" for what it is: a self-defeating behavior. To overcome the trap of
entering into analysis paralysis, keep these tips in mind:
Find ways to eliminate hindrances and excess options.
This tip is an important one. Having too many options is as bad as
having too few. When you plan to start your exercise routine at the
gym, you have five possible gyms to choose from, and you cannot
decide, thin out your options.
Use a method of elimination with whatever criteria you'd like to use. The
aim is to narrow your choices and eliminate factors of which you are
aware. For instance, you might identify that three gyms also have a hair
salon nearby. This choice means that on weekends you can just cross the
street and have your hair done. If this is appealing to you, remove the
two that do not give you that extra benefit.
Next, you can look at criteria like instructors available at specific times
during the day when you are also available. This way, you can strike
off the one without an available instructor from your list. This process
leaves you with only one gym and keeps you from stalling your
decision.
Listen to your subconscious mind.
Remember, we said the work of your subconscious mind is to keep you
safe and alive. Suppose your mind is placing blockades, fish within using
the processes discussed in the last chapter, and dig out what is
happening beneath the surface. Do not ignore the causes of the stalling
and overthinking; instead, you should find them and reframe them
through mind hacking.
Most often, we stall for fears in one structure or another. We may
wonder things like, "Will this alienate me? What will my loved ones say
or think of me? Will I lose something important to me? Will taking this
action mean that I lose my freedom, my free time, my money, or my
peace of mind?" At its core, we are always seeking to protect the areas
that are important to us. Recognizing this is the only way to approach
rewiring these fears in an emotionally healthy way.
Here are some final, more self-explanatory tips for avoiding analysis
paralysis:

Recognize delay and stalling for what they are: self-defeating

behaviors.
The smaller the choice, the less time you need to think things
through. Just do it already!
While more significant decisions will have more details to think
through, you are stalling if you linger beyond the initial fact-
finding stage.

Fear of Decision-Making
While decision-making may sound like an easy thing to do, it can be
potentially tricky if you're also trying to escape self-sabotaging behaviors.
Most decisions will draw data from your subconscious mind. Therefore, if
your inner resistances are running counter to the goals that you want,
you will have a hard time making a snap decision. This idea baffles
many people; they may ask, "Why can't I do what I know I should and
can do?"
If you are struggling with decision-making and slipping into self-
defeating behavior such as procrastinating, here are tips to help you
vault over that impediment holding you back from your self-
improvement goal:
Train yourself to make snap decisions
Work with smaller and less stressful choices and decisions in the time it
takes to blink. If you need to choose a restaurant to have dinner, make a
quick decision without looking for too many details. Go shopping and
pick the item that feels right without going through the rigors of
reading all the reviews on it.
The goal is to teach yourself to use your intuitive sense. If you listen to
your innermost self before making such snap decisions, you will soon see
that you can indeed make a correct choice without the struggle of long
research periods.
Yes, this may be anxiety-inducing, but it will be okay if it is not a life-
threatening decision. Have fun with the practice. Keep finding areas you
would usually procrastinate, claim you are exercising the best option,
and make snap decisions on those.
Give yourself timelines for important decisions.
You have to choose a course to take to pursue your education goals and
then your financial goals. You have several options, but you are slowly
slipping into patterns of overthinking, which puts you at risk of analysis
paralysis. This decision is an important decision; understandably, you
will delay it before making a final choice. However, if you notice that
you are stalling, give yourself a deadline. If you say to yourself, "I will
make a decision on this day, and in the meantime, I will look at all the
data I have collected," you not only give yourself a concrete task but a
concrete deadline as well. Expect it to be a challenging and personal
choice, like choosing a partner. Set aside time each night to go through
a list of what is important to you in an ideal relationship. Then, each
night, go to sleep while giving your subconscious mind the task of
figuring out the best partner for you.
This result calls for a lot of trust in the abilities of your subconscious
mind. However, remember that your subconscious mind is wired to
protect you and to execute your best instructions. If you can decide that
this protection falls in line with your goals for a relationship, you will
feel a sense of peace with your choice.
Own your decisions
This process comes hot on the heels of letting your subconscious mind
guide you. Your subconscious mind is not some entity outside of
yourself. It is you, just an aspect of your mind that we often tend to
ignore. However, your subconscious mind and your day brain are all
you, so own your decisions and don't blame a part of you if things do
not turn out perfectly. All experiences come to teach us something we
need to learn. If you did the best in making that choice, embrace
whatever will come after that.
Build trust in yourself and your abilities
The most significant part of self-confidence is confidence in yourself and
your abilities. You know yourself better than anyone else; no one out
there will have a better grasp of who you are than yourself. Walk tall;
you know that you are the expert on everything to do with you.
Decisions, especially, demand that we believe in ourselves without
reservation. To build a more profound sense of self-confidence, develop a
deep understanding of personal awareness. Know why you do things the
way you do them. Figure out what works for you and what doesn't.
Make yourself a subject of study. You will undoubtedly discover that
you are a pretty awesome person.
Remember the script you read to yourself in front of the mirror? Add
some pep talk to it. Remind yourself daily that you are a pretty fantastic
person. Reflect on things you have done that bring you joy and pride.
Most of all, believe that you would never hurt yourself intentionally. Yes,
you may make wrong turns on occasion, but hold no hostility towards
yourself.
Beware the Images of the Mind
Self-fulfilling prophecies are not indicators of someone jinxed, signs of
someone who gets things wrong, nor indicators of higher self-knowledge.
They are simply manifestations of incorrect use of the images of the
mind.
What are images of the mind?
To illustrate, here is an example: if you're going to play in a tournament,
and in your mind, you keep seeing yourself fail, you will not succeed.
That's how life works. However, if you put in the work, adjust your
mental scripts, and keep picturing your success, you will succeed.
We have been trained by life to think about the worst-case scenarios.
And because of this, they often come to be. Try to put in the action and
focus on the best outcomes instead, and with time, they will become
your reality.
Self-Discipline and an Accountability Partner
Don't envision self– discipline as becoming stilted; that's just another
manner of self-sabotage. You need to have pleasure in your push for self-
improvement, so let your self-discipline flow around your goals. You
already have a series of things you know you must do and actions you
must take to accomplish your goals. You are aware that you have a time
frame in which you should make crucial decisions. Now, you must do
what you have promised yourself to do.
Decide to do it, and then do it—it's as simple as that.
Don't introduce a whole new level of terms and conditions of living for
yourself. If you want to lose weight and you have planned a new diet,
don't also introduce new patterns that dictate where you can sit or what
color of the plate to use; this will only make your life a living terror.
Have fun with it. It is, after all, your life.
Remember, the most significant red flag of self-sabotage is a life that does
not energize you. Always keep joy and pleasure at the forefront of
whatever you are planning. Choose to be happy in your journey towards
self-improvement.
However, suppose you are working on a particularly troublesome area of
your life, such as diet or exercise. In that case, it is worth your while to
bring an accountability partner into the mix. An accountability partner is
a person with whom you agree to offer both support and feedback on a
particular goal. As the name suggests, such a partner will benefit from
the relationship as much as you will. Therefore, your ultimate goal has
to be a matter of mutual interest to both of you.
An accountability partner will be of considerable use to you in areas
with hard-to-shake habits. Examples of these include fitness goals,
parenting, dieting, budgeting, and many other aspects of self-
development.
Chapter Summary
In this chapter, we dug deeper into action and looked at the possible
roadblocks on the path to taking action. We've discussed the following
manners of avoiding these roadblocks:

Have a great action plan in writing.

Eliminate all excuses and impediments.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment to begin; it doesn't exist.
Take a definite step, even if you are only half ready.
Learn to identify common pitfalls in yourself so you can address
them as they arise.
Boost your success through self-discipline and collaboration with
an accountability partner.

In the next chapter, we'll look at ways that you could be undermining
your success through self-doubt.
 7

UNDERMINING YOUR SUC C ESS

I n the last chapter, we looked at strategies to help us get out of self-

defeating behavior. This chapter will look further into a particular
self-defeating behavior that is a little more difficult to identify and
change than most others.
The behavior in question is self-doubt. Self-doubt is the mental habit of
second-guessing yourself. It can manifest as you constantly questioning
your abilities, your worthiness, and your potential for success.
This habit is, no doubt, a harmful mental practice. At the same time,
procrastination or perfectionism can prevent you from accomplishing your
goals, and self-doubt can attack even the best and most accomplished of
us. The problem with self-doubt, therefore, is not the questioning itself.
The problem arises when we keep this doubt on a mental loop until it
becomes second nature.
However, while most self-doubt is terrible, many do not realize that
positive self-doubt and crippling self-doubt exist. To help us differentiate,
we will discuss both. Then, we will delve into ways to identify if your
mental scripts are going into crippling self-doubt. Finally, we will look
into the possible causes and review methods for curbing self-doubt.
Positive Self-Doubt
Whenever you start on a new course, a new job, or a new relationship,
your mind will naturally question your ability to get things done. If you
go on a mountain climbing trip and you have never been on one before,
you will undoubtedly doubt your ability to do it. Where this doubt
becomes positive is where it motivates you to better yourself.
This type of self-doubt motivates you to seek more information, prepare
more, and do everything in your power to become self-confident. This
self-doubt enables you to undertake the necessary self-improvement to
accomplish your goals. In this case, questioning your ability will work for
you because you are taking action to build what you want.
However, there is another, less healthy way to respond to doubt.
Negative or Crippling Self-Doubt
For example, you've been invited on a date by a person you have
admired for a while. Self-doubt will naturally kick in: "Do they really
want to go out with me? What if I embarrass myself? I always botch
these kinds of things." If you take your mind on a path towards not
only questioning your ability but questioning your worthiness in the face
of good things, then you have crossed the threshold into negative self-
doubt.
Maybe you've been offered a once-in-a-lifetime trip to a holiday
destination that you've always wanted to visit, but you react to this offer
by beginning to make mental lists of why this is too good to be true. Or,
rather than being asked on a date, maybe you've been given a more
demanding task at work that calls for new skills from you. Negative self-
doubt can spring in by prompting you to make a mental list of each
reason why you will fail at this new task. We all have built-in reactions
to the good news that cause us first to ask ourselves and accept the
information after that. However, if this questioning becomes your time to
build a case against your success, then this questioning has entered the
realm of negative and crippling self-doubt.
There are two points during which negative self-doubt typically starts:
during childhood or after a challenging life experience.
Identifying and after that knowing how to overcome self-doubt is the
reason for this chapter.
Self-doubt can come to all of us; it doesn't correlate to whether you were
successful in the past or not. Ideally, if you've learned to operate in a
state of self-doubt from your childhood, you will have recognized this
self-sabotage from reading the other chapters. However, if you're working
on your self-improvement and you hit a difficult patch, it's essential to
be aware that this is the prime time for crippling self-doubt to set in. For
this reason, we will go through the details of self-doubt and its forms.
If not recognized and stopped, self-doubt can tear down the momentum
of someone trying to improve themselves. It's even possible to get into a
depressive state unless someone identifies how self-doubt harms their
success after troublesome life events. Entertaining self-doubt can also stall
the ability to recover from a setback. This kind of self-doubt will cause
the individual to avoid new opportunities and pass up offers that come
their way because they start to tell themselves, "if I failed after all of
that work, then I do not deserve a second chance."
Unhealthy self-doubt is a potential death sentence to trying to overcome
life's challenges. It can quickly turn your inner dialogue into a non-stop
inner critic, which can easily slip into an addiction. It becomes incredibly
complicated to begin any new activity without questioning it to death.
While some believe that this inner critic might be a good person to have
in your corner, it is never in your corner. It speaks for only one purpose:
to keep you from reaching out to a higher level of personal achievement.
The persistent inner critic pecks at your self-confidence until you are so
unsure of yourself that you cannot pick yourself up.
It's important to remember the distinction between positive and negative
self-doubt. If it encourages you to equip yourself to handle new
challenges, then the questioning is positive. However, if the focus is to
demean your potential, pull down your self-confidence, and make you
feel inadequate and unworthy, then you're dealing with crippling self-
doubt, and you must shift the direction of that voice as quickly as
possible.
We will discuss how to shift the voice so that you can once again take
confident action, achieve your goals, and take advantage of the
opportunities that come your way.
The Danger that Lurks Behind Self-Doubt
Statements like "I am not good enough," "I do not deserve this," and
"this is too good to be true" are pointers to a growing sense of self-doubt.
You can hear these kinds of statements in how others speak. However,
you should be aware and wary of them when they start to show up in
your speech, as these are recurring and repeated scripts surrounding self-
doubt. Think of these thoughts as a blood-sucking parasite. Most
parasites look relatively innocent initially; they seem harmless-looking
little things that don't threaten the host's survival. However, think about
the potential impacts of having worms in the gut, a blood-sucking tick,
fleas, or other parasites. If this is left untreated and continues to grow, it
inevitably drains the life out of its host, slowly but surely.
This process is the same way self-doubt works. At first, it appears to be a
harmless way of thinking. In time, however, it drains you of life and
energy to go at your goals. Self doubt thrives on chipping at self-
confidence.
One of the primary dangers of crippling self-doubt is indecisiveness. Each
time you start on a path, you get mid-stream, change your mind, start
on another, change your mind yet again, and so the chain continues.
The effect is that time passes, and you will not have achieved most
things you wish to because you could not stick with one thing. Most
things in life are perfected through consistent action over time.
How we talk to ourselves in time becomes a belief system that starts to
run your life unconsciously. A thought process repeated often enough
will soon become your natural way of being. Now, can you pause for a
moment to try to determine if your honest and default behaviors
welcome failure in your life? This system is the danger that lurks behind
self-doubt. If you continue to speak to yourself in the voice of self-doubt
long enough, then your natural way of being will begin to hinder your
full potential.
Signs of Crippling Self-Doubt
If you occasionally question your abilities, then you may have a positive
pattern of self-questioning. Here are some things to look out for to ensure
that your self-questioning stays positive so you can avoid crippling self-
doubt:
"This is too good to be true."
Life generally teaches us that there are always people who deserve good
things more than others do. Now the good things in life need not be
defined by the good things you do not have. The good things in life
that I am talking about are manifestations of the good things you wish
to have, but tell yourself you do not deserve them.
When offered a promotion, do you accept it, or do you believe it should
go to someone else who you believe to be more qualified, more
charismatic, and more connected to others in your company? Do you
argue that the promotion isn't good for you? If so, is your argument
based on a genuine lack of skills (in which case you can simply learn
the skills), or are you pushing the promotion away?
If you find reasons to turn down a promotion habitually, take a moment
to listen to your inner dialogue. The running script that supports this
behavior is the infamous belief that we are not "good enough." So,
question this; why are you not good enough? Who says so? Against
whose standard do you measure your life?
Another way this can manifest is in the persistent belief that the good
things that have come to you were a fluke. If you're constantly waiting
for the other shoe to drop and expecting the worst-case scenario to
happen, it is generally due to negative self-doubt. Some even take this a
step further and become self-judgmental: "If I have this level of success,
why can't I achieve the next level effortlessly?"
There is rarely any justification for that kind of self-judgment. We all
need to improve areas; we rarely get it all right all at once, so cut
yourself some slack. Being too harsh with yourself will only keep you in
this loop of crippling self-doubt.
"I never get it right."
Telling yourself you never get it right is a sign of being overly harsh
with yourself. It is not possible to live a life where you never get
anything correct; it's impossible! If you observe your life, there are a lot
of things that you get right. Using sweeping statements such as "I never"
is overly harsh on yourself, and it will only make you feel terrible about
your achievements. Sweeping statements are hazardous in self-talk
because you can get used to feeling bad about your life, undermining
your inner success. It is an insidious poison that will eat at you, so be
careful about making sweeping statements about yourself or others.
"I can't!"
"I can't" is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is one short phrase that can make
a lot of difference in your outlook on something. Whenever we say "I
can't," the mind more or less enters sleep mode. Suddenly, it's no longer
responsible for figuring out ways to accomplish something. Suppose it
was a task that you were assigned, an opportunity ahead, a relationship
that was starting to bud, or a health situation that needed your
deliberate action, "I can't" means you have resigned to the circumstances.
Remember the first thing we discussed in this book: we learn everything.
There is no such thing as a thing that is impossible to grasp. If there is
a challenge before you, avoid the self-fulfilling prophecy of defeat. By
doing so, you give your mind an escape route.
When you say "I can't," you have denied yourself the opportunity to
find inner resources to push yourself to a new level. You put a blockade
to reaching within yourself and finding the inspiration that would have
made the goal attainable. This blockage robs you of access to the
creativity that resides within you.
"I don't deserve this."
This phrase is a huge red flag, whether uttered as an apparent fact or a
way of putting yourself down. If you ever hear this phrase out of your
mind or even out of your speech, take a deep breath and ask yourself,
"what exactly do you mean?"
"I don't deserve this" suggests that there are parameters that you don't
meet which would have made you qualify. Once again, what parameters
are those? Who put them in place? Why are you following them? Are
they serving you? Observe that statement closely. If it arises within you,
make a firm decision to turn it into something more empowering. There
is no context in which this is a positive statement.
"Who am I to do this?"
Also called the "imposter syndrome," this is self-doubt that shows its
fangs when an attractive opportunity presents itself. It is a close relative
of "I do not deserve this." The imposter syndrome depicts deep feelings of
inadequacy. Again, this isn't inherently harmful if you've just
encountered this opportunity. However, if it is allowed to persist,
imposter syndrome can be lethal to your success.
The individual in this mindset is blind to the abilities and strengths that
others see in them. They are unaware of their capabilities, making them
the best candidate for the opportunity ahead of them. Since they are
blind to their abilities, they fear that they will be discovered a fraud if
the offered opportunity is taken. They worry that people will see them as
ill-equipped for the role, and they will feel inadequate to hold the
position or that they don't deserve the success that is being offered.
In extreme cases, imposter syndrome will attach the individual's success
to things not considered when they were ascribed merit. They may
believe that they got a promotion because they are friends or even
relatives to management or find another way to belittle their abilities and
attributed their successes to something other than themselves. While
humility is a good thing, this is crippling self-doubt. If you have shown
that you qualify for a particular honor, you should receive the accolade
graciously.
"I didn't do as well as…"
Closely linked with the imposter syndrome is the mindset that finds it
difficult to accept compliments. You might have met people who will
water down a compliment with a negative retort. For instance, if you
compliment their clothes, they may reply that they're not wearing the
clothes as well as another person would. If you express admiration of
their decision-making, they may water it down by saying it was a fluke
and might never happen again.
The individual who has a hard time accepting compliments, in reality,
has an inferior view of self that is exhibited in their language. This
flawed view becomes apparent as they seem to have a long list of
counterarguments prepared to show how they are not as great as anyone
thinks. Once again, although humility is a good trait, it becomes self-
sabotage when it is always used to put yourself down. When doing this,
you're constantly telling yourself that you do not have much value to
offer. In extreme cases, an individual who cannot take compliments will
avoid situations that might put them in the way of a compliment.
"What do you think of this?"
Having self-confidence means that you believe in yourself and your
abilities, while self-doubt means you don't believe in either. It's healthy to
seek feedback on matters that need feedback. When all your decisions
demand that you first seek the go-ahead or the thumbs up from others,
this is a sign of a more significant problem. Constantly needing
reassurance that you are doing the right thing, are going in the right
direction, and are making the right decisions makes you dependent on
other people's opinions. It also helps you to avoid the responsibility that
comes with making decisions and owning them.
Self-doubt means that you not only avoid making decisions, but you
further wish to avoid responsibility for any consequences that may arise
as a result. At their core, the individual who seeks validation for their
decisions wants to have a situation where they can always blame
someone else if anything goes wrong. This trait is not an empowered
position to hold. To get to a place where they are assured of the
strengths of their decisions on the path of self-improvement comes from
an empowered inner dialogue where the individual knows they are
enough. They know they deserve all the good and can handle the
difficulties that come their way, too.
"I am lazy," "I will never find happiness," etc.…
Overly harsh inner dialogue is the voice of the abuser. That abuser
might take the persona of anyone in the individual's history. Still, at the
heart of it, the harsh and narcissistic inner critic is no more than the
individual cannibalizing their own inner potential. We have touched on
harsh self-criticism in passing, as it comes up in almost all the ways to
identify self-sabotage. Internal dialogue can power you up or drain you
of motivation and self-confidence, so keep tabs on how you speak to
yourself.
An excellent way to test your inner voice is to ask yourself if you would
speak that way to another person. If you were to talk to a child the way
you speak to yourself, would that child be full of creativity and
excitement, or would they feel emotionally wounded and battered? If you
find that it falls into the latter category, you're overly harsh with
yourself.
It is easy to see why a result of having a harsh inner voice is low self-
esteem. This powerful inner voice may feed you thoughts similar to
"you're just dumb," "you can never be trusted with anything important,"
"no one would want to be in a relationship with you," or "anything you
touch is bound to fail." On and on, this chips away at your self-worth
in small bites until you're a nervous wreck. The firm inner voice will be
the one that compares everything you do to what others are doing, and
in every comparison, you will come up short.
Take a moment to go back to the list of things that you tell yourself that
we made earlier. How acidic is your inner voice?
Red Flags for Developing Crippling Self-Doubt
Three major red alerts should warn you of the potential for developing
crippling self-doubt: an emotionally abusive childhood, a recent failure,
and a harsh inner voice.
Emotionally Abusive Childhood
Parents are human, and humans both make mistakes and have areas of
self-development that they need to improve. These mistakes and
shortcomings, however, can significantly impact their child's development.
Childhood shapes the individual to grow into a well-adjusted adult, a
wounded adult, or something in between the two.
If you grew up in an emotionally unsupportive home, you might have a
bit more work to do to unravel the weak spots in your armor. Because of
growing up in an overly-critical home that analyzes the child's every act,
the adult will most likely adopt the same tone of voice on themselves.
However, rather than surrendering to this, consider this a reason to take
extra care to shift your inner dialogue to one that empowers you.
Most children aim for success and avoid failure because victory will net
them positive attention, and failure will net them negative attention.
However, children of abusive parents tend to fear failure and success, as
any attention cast their way by their parents could prove dangerous to
them. Children who are fearing abuse are prone to try to stay under the
radar for this very reason.
While our parents, guardians, or other caregivers may have done severe
wrong by us, focusing on their faults will do nothing to improve our
current states.
Once we reach adulthood, our responsibility is to work out our traumas
and grow past them into maturity. The experiences of the past, no
matter how hurtful, cannot and will not change. The only thing we can
change is the future, and we must start on that journey in the present
moment and not a moment later.
A Recent Failure
If you have undergone extremely negative experiences that have shaken
your sense of self in the last year or so, please pay close attention to this
section.
What significant loss did you encounter? Was it a relationship that did
not work as you thought it would? Was it a job that turned out to be
less than you expected? Any time you have any significant loss, be it of
revenue, friendship, health, or otherwise, you are going through an
experience that has the potential to break even the best of us. A lot of
negative self-doubts are derived from these losses. If you believe that
you've developed self-doubt due to a recent failure, you will need to take
time to work through this and find out what is happening within you.
A Harsh Inner Voice
This habit comes from any one or more of the possible experiences we
have mentioned in this chapter. The tone of voice that you use on
yourself is so important, as a harsh inner voice can be the root of many
of our problems and shortcomings in life. Learning to listen to your
thoughts is a skill that you have the power and the reason to acquire.
Chapter Summary
In this chapter, we looked at ways in which you may be undermining
your success. We have discussed:

The differences between positive and negative self-doubt,

identifying them, and handling negative self-doubt.
How the dangers that lurk behind self-doubt are menacing.
Ways to tell if self-doubt is crippling you.
What life situations and experiences make us vulnerable to
developing self-doubt.

In the next chapter, we will discuss fourteen skills that you can use to
overcome self-doubt.
 8

FOU RTEEN S K ILLS TO OVERC OME S ELF-DOU BT

I n the last chapter, we discussed self-doubt at length. We looked at

both positive and negative self-doubt and identifying if you are
crippling yourself through self-doubt. Finally, we looked at situations
that may trigger negative self-doubt so that we may keep a closer eye on
ourselves if we're vulnerable.
You might have recognized that you do have sufficient self-doubt to
hinder you from achieving your goals. It's one thing to know so, but it's
another thing entirely to understand how to solve the problem. In this
chapter, we will finally delve into the solution.
While suggesting solutions, I wish to point out that none of these skills
will work for everyone the same way. I urge you to go through these
suggestions and take note of the solutions that resonate with you. You
may even combine two or more skills to come up with your very own
hybrid solution to self-doubt. The critical part is having the skills,
knowing how to use them, and shifting from self-doubt to self-
confidence.
I would also recommend that you read this chapter to the end and then
return to the beginning and re-read the exciting skills you've noted. This
action will allow you to have a complete picture of these strategies before
brainstorming how to implement them into your life.
Whatever methods or skills you choose to develop, give yourself time to
get into the rhythm of the change you desire. While it has been shown
that habits can be formed in twenty-one days (Selk 2013), giving yourself
a time frame in which you will rigidly practice your ideal habits will
help your brain latch onto them more effectively in the beginning.
Choose a strategy and stick with it for a season to see how it works for
you; the best part of these skills is that you can start working on them
right now.
The Inner Process of Self-Doubt
So far, we've emphasized the need to become aware of our inner
dialogue. However, another vital process takes place even after we learn
to listen to our thoughts. It's now time to discuss the two methods of
self-sabotage within us.
Emotions are powerful, and they play a massive role in the ways that
we process our thoughts. Here is how this process works: thoughts
trigger feelings. The brain then identifies emotions as having potential for
good or harm. Therefore, our feelings and our brain determine our
choices and our decisions. The way you feel influences, in real-time, the
options that you will choose when confronted with a decision. These
decisions influence action, and action is where the results happen.
Now, here's what you need to keep alert to as you observe your
thoughts: how do those thoughts make you feel? If this is confusing,
don't worry; let's look at an example.
Let's say that you go into a new grocery store for the very first time,
and you accidentally meet an ex at the door. It was a turbulent
relationship, and you are glad you walked out when you did, but seeing
them sparks negative emotions. Now, there is no correlation between the
grocery store and your ex; you just happened to be there at the same
time. However, as soon as you reached the door, you recoiled because
you spotted them inside.
Now, your unconscious mind may record that you were recoiled because
you saw your ex, but it will also record that event this way: "I am going
into a new environment. It is potentially risky because I have never been
here before." Then, after the encounter, it will record: "when I got to the
door, I recoiled. I felt unsafe. Oh, and I also saw someone familiar."
What is the message that will be recorded in your mind? If you never
recoil at any other grocery store, but the moment you got to the door at
this one, you cringed, that grocery store is not pleasant for you, and you
must keep away from it in the future. That particular grocery store is
not safe.
That will be the first and last time you enter that grocery store, and you
may even tell others that you do not like that store, though you really
don't have a cause. The trick is that you do have a reason, just not a
conscious one. This activity is how our brains associate events in our
minds all the time. For this reason, we must be alert not only to the
thoughts we think but the emotions we feel, particularly in serious
situations. If you are entering a new circumstance, such as a new job, be
as alert to the happenings in your emotional world as you are to the
experiences in your inner dialogue.
Entirely unrelated issues could trigger emotional responses, but in some
cases, they can be triggered by problems that are all too relevant. The
relevant ones are the ones that you need to notice. For instance, people
who fight with a spouse or a family member have likely entered into a
thought-and-emotion cycle that keeps them on the fighting impulse.
Unless the individual identifies that they enter into a similar thought-
and-emotion loop each time they are with the other party, this person
will remain chained to responses they do not understand. Statements
such as "they make me so angry" are about the emotional triggers the
brain attaches to particular situations and the thought processes that go
hand in hand with those situations, so your most important work will
be in awareness.
Listen to how your body responds. If you have a problem with anger or
think you are short-tempered, listen to what your body is doing right
before you go into a fit of rage. You will start to recognize what's going
on before you spiral into an emotional fit if you pay attention. The
thoughts precede the emotion, the emotion follows the urge, and then
more thoughts arise. The two impulses can play tag in your mind and
for a long time until you consciously break the loop.
In all of these instances, a thought process precedes the emotions that
determine the choices you will make. This process is vital in
understanding self-sabotage, self-defeating behavior, and self-doubt. Take
time this coming week to remain alert to your thoughts and emotions
and see what you will learn about yourself. If you happen to tell
yourself, "I never get anything right," please listen to your feelings. How
does that make you feel? Sad, defeated, bitter, helpless, frustrated? These
emotions are where the action happens. For example, if you feel defeated,
you are likely to take completely different steps than you would if you
were lively and energized. Emotions play an essential role in the steps
we take towards or away from our goals. If you think to yourself, "I do
not deserve this," and feel unworthy, you are more likely to pass up
opportunities. However, if you think "this is exciting" instead, it can help
you feel rejuvenated, which means you are more likely to take the
opportunity before you. Having this distinction in mind is critical.
Ways to Escape Self-Doubt
Throughout this book, we have talked about self-sabotage, self-defeating
behavior, and self-doubt. So how do you get out of this vicious cycle?
Here are some tips and things to keep in mind when trying to break out
of a cycle of self-doubt and self-defeating behavior:
1. Remember that self-doubt is a memory.
A lot of self-doubts are anchored in how we recall ourselves based on
our memories. That means that you can take time to sit with yourself
and inventory how you perceive yourself; these recollections of yourself
will tell you who you believe yourself to be. If most of your memories
are centered on the negative aspects of an event, then you probably have
a negative perception of yourself that is defined by self-doubt.
To challenge this, take some time to think about the positive aspects of
the same event. For example,
let's say that you went home for Thanksgiving. It was a delightful time
until an argument erupted. What do you remember the most? The
hurtful things uttered or the shared good things and the love that
flowed before the quarrel? How do you remember your role in the event?
Try to focus on the positives.
2. You can take the necessary steps to develop a new way of thinking.
We've already discussed the dangers of analysis paralysis in an earlier
chapter. It is pretty easy to stay too long in your mind and never take
action. So, to get out of that rut, take action.
Don't sit with plans too long trying to get everything just right. Go with
the rough draft of your plan of action and start taking deliberate action.
This action will send a clear message to your brain that you have
decided to go in a different direction, and if you sustain this long
enough, it can become your natural way of being.
3. Have your goals and plans accessible for easy review.
Alongside taking action, have your goals and plans in writing, and
make that document easily accessible. Refer to it often, at the very least
once per week. This action plan will keep you sharply focused on what
you want to achieve. You need to ensure that your focus stays on the
wins you intend to achieve rather than slipping towards the failures you
might suffer. That is the point of reviewing your goals often; you want
to be so committed to and focused on getting to the intended outcome
that you forget or significantly diminish the thought of not making it.
This process is essential because the direction of your thoughts becomes
the direction of your life. Train your thoughts on the goals you have,
and your life will begin to move in that direction. The more wins you
get, the more convinced you will be that you can do it!
4. Celebrate your achievements.
Rather than focus on the fifteen things you didn't get right, make it a
habit to recognize the things you do correctly. If you notice and
celebrate each win, you will eventually start to see more wins than
misses.
5. Life rarely manifests our fears.
Think back to all of the times that you imagined a worst-case scenario.
Now, try to remember how often those came true. As you reflect on it,
you will discover life rarely manifests our fears; most results are a much
simpler version of the high-octane drama that we conjure in our minds.
The more you reflect on this, the more you will recognize it. Many
times, our fears are only in our minds.
6. Call your mind to order.
We've repeatedly discussed the skill of listening to your thoughts. Once
you're used to hearing, try to develop the next layer of this skill: redirect
your thoughts when they begin to go in unwanted directions. If ideas
run on a path you do not want to go, yell "stop!" and mean it. It is just
as important to listen to your thoughts as to end the runaway scripts.
7. Embrace the runaway mind scripts.
That sounds like it is a direct contradiction of the previous skill, but it is
not. It is not an enemy. Resisting works against you. The premise is
simple: if you try not to think of a yellow elephant, you immediately
start thinking of a yellow elephant. So, try to recognize the negative
chatter, accept it, and understand what it's telling you. Once you have
done that, then proceed to develop new thought scripts that address the
insights these thoughts have given you.
8. Question your narratives.
You are not your thoughts, and not everything that goes through your
mind is necessarily true.
The mind starts with one thought and then builds a script. However,
these narratives tend to run along the same general path. They head
towards the same end. If your most significant source of self-doubt is the
belief that you are not good enough, your thoughts will return to this
belief no matter which path you start them on. Go through the list of
common mental phrases discussed in the previous chapter that are good
indicators of being burdened with self-doubt.
Train yourself to question these inner narratives. Is it true I am not good
enough? Who said so? Why should their view of me matter? What if I
ignored their opinion? Question your thoughts.
9. Shrink the monster.
A good mental game to counter heavily crippling self-doubt is to give
the fear a form. For example, if self-doubt makes you terrified of
speaking before people, depict the fear as an image such as a crocodile.
Now using your mental script, hold this image of the fierce crocodile in
your mind, and then, as you go through your new preferred thoughts,
shrink the crocodile. Tame it. Make it weaker and weaker until it is
nothing more than a tiny worm that you can squish. Make sure that the
little thing you want to destroy is something you can squish in real life;
don't introduce a new fear by making the little creature a spider if you
have a spider phobia.
You can use this imagery each time you use your script in public and
want to harness your inner strength. For example, if you are standing in
front of a gathering to speak and start to feel the fear arising because
you doubt yourself, focus your mind on the image of the tiny bug and
crush it under your heel. In time, you will associate this midget bug
with public speaking, and you will have overcome your doubts.
10. Restructure your self-doubt.
Let's say that you're facing a challenging task, and your mind says, "I
can't do it." Try to rephrase the thought to something with growth
potential, like "I am terrified of this challenge ahead of me, but I think I
can find ways to do it. What if I did more research about what I need?"
Do not accept defeat at face value. Do not accept that you are incapable
until you have explored all avenues. In time, if you train yourself to
reframe difficult situations, you will have more constructive self-doubt.
Remember, self-doubt is normal. Refusing to let it take over your day is
the challenge.
11. Journal and track your mood.
Keeping either a handwritten or digital journal is an excellent habit of
helping you resolve complex inner dialogue. A journal is also a perfect
way to monitor your thought processes. It will help you keep tabs on
your tendencies towards negative thoughts.
Another excellent tool to keep is a mood journal. There are several mood
trackers available on mobile phones. Keeping a mood tracker updated for
as short a period as two weeks can reveal the depth of your self-doubt.
These two tools used either together or separately can prove to be
invaluable paths to self-growth.
12. Master your gut feelings.
The gut feeling is your first instinct. Most of the time, the first instinct
you get about a person or a situation will turn out to be accurate.
Although you shouldn't make your gut feeling your highest method of
assessing what you will do, always keep its guidance in mind.
In time, you will learn to trust it or adjust this inner guidance into
something more reliable.
For most people, that inner guidance can be a strong warning when
something is off about a person or situation, but they haven't yet
encountered solid evidence. So it is crucial to learn the difference
between your inner guidance and self-doubt. If you are still unsure,
make your plans and then go with what feels best for you. Train
yourself to trust yourself.
13. Feed your mind with content centered around growth.
There is no shortage of information that you can use to boost your self-
confidence. Hang out with people and tap into content that will increase
your sense of self. You could accomplish this task through books, groups,
seminars, and in-person gatherings. Allow the input you gather in such
interactions to seep into your mind; a mind filled with positive thoughts
will not have much room for feeling low or for entertaining thoughts of
self-doubt.
14. Work with others through self-doubt.
Up to this point, we have looked at skills that require only your input.
However, the next couple of skills will add a powerful element to combat
powerful senses of self-doubt. This element is valuable whether you have
come to self-doubt because of a recent event or if you have struggled
with self-doubt for years. If you have recently come across self-doubt,
having others in your corner will boost your sense of self. Choose friends
that will remind you that you were great before the trouble set in.
If you have had years of self-doubt, then you have an opportunity to
find new friends and build a support group that will help you through
self-doubt in the coming days. Two ways to maximize the support
potential from others are to work with a support group or find an
accountability partner.
Building a Support Group
A support group doesn't have to be complex. This group can be a formal
group with an intent that everyone knows about, or you can quietly
develop it for yourself. What you need out of a support group is
communication with people. If you have friends, you can talk to them.
They can help boost your self-confidence. Pose questions like "what do
you think are my strengths?" and "what do you see as my best skills?" If
you're faced with an important decision, ask questions like, "why would
you recommend me for this opportunity?" Be sure to take the feedback in
stride and use it to boost your sense of self.
If you don't have friends who can help you with these types of
questions, add "finding a group of friends" to your list of goals and
pursue it as you would your other goals. Join community groups,
Facebook groups, neighborhood groups, religious gatherings, or if you are
so inclined, groups of sports enthusiasts, etc., the list goes on. In other
words, find places where people gather together and join them. Make a
deliberate effort to make new friends, and among these new friends, you
can introduce topics of mutual interest.
The critical part of joining a support group of this nature is to avoid
self-isolation. Isolating yourself is detrimental to your personal growth. To
quickly being able to handle things that you encounter, making friends
is an essential step. However, keep in mind that a support group is not a
back-door plan to seek validation and reassurance. A support group is
about keeping in touch with other people and avoiding self-isolation.
Joining a support group may take some time and effort, which is why
you may instead choose to work with an accountability partner.
How to Find an Accountability Partner
An accountability partner is one person with whom you deliberately
come together to keep each other accountable for your goals. An
accountability partner is someone you choose consciously and speak to
about your intention.
If you are learning a new skill in class and feel self-doubt creeping in,
you may choose a classmate as your accountability partner. This skill
could be any skill, formal or informal. It could include entertaining areas
such as crafts or home improvement; any area of self-improvement can
benefit from an accountability partner if such a goal is essential to you
both.
You may also go at choosing an accountability partner as you would go
about finding a new job. List what you are looking for in such a person,
and then go into your phonebook and list at least three people you
think would share your interest in an area. These must be people that
you hold in high regard and respect.
For an accountability partner, do not call up your close friends. The
chances of your meetings ending up as hangouts are very high. Also,
friends may not always give you the best feedback as they may fear
hurting your feelings, and you may find it hard to provide them with
honest feedback as well.
From the list of people you have identified, call up the person you
believe to be your best choice. If they decline, call up the second and
then the third if you must. Usually, after you explain what you have in
mind, you will find a middle ground that works for both of you.
Listen for two critical pieces of information when setting up this
relationship: First, is the individual willing to give honest and
straightforward feedback? You can pick that up from a phone call or
over a cup of coffee. Second, are they focused enough on their goals to
work with someone else to keep them accountable? This action also
means that you need to have established your track record of achieving
your goals before you launch into working with an accountability
partner.
Chapter Summary
In this chapter, we have detailed fourteen skills to help you overcome
self-doubt. To consistently stay away from lingering self-doubt, You may
combine several of these to develop a hybrid skill to enable you. We also
covered:

The internal process of self-doubt.

Ways to escape self-doubt.
How to work with others to boost your self-confidence.

We have come to the end of this book. Next, we will reflect on what
you have learned.
 FINA L WORD

As we have come to the end of this book, you should feel proud to
know that you have gained the skills to help you stop overthinking and
start living. The skills, tools, and suggestions given in this book will help
you find freedom in uncomplicated steps. As we wrap up, it's essential to
revisit the quote that began this book:

"When self-doubt creeps in, don't ignore it - address it. Respond to harsh self-
criticism with something more compassionate. Talk to yourself like a trusted friend
and refuse to believe your unrealistic, negative inner monologue."
— AMY MORIN

This quote summarizes this book in a nutshell.

In any field, if you look keenly enough, you will find hundreds and
maybe even thousands of people who did not start as well as they
ended. It is possible to doubt yourself and still succeed. It is possible to
begin in the lower end of your field and still end up as a star.
It would be best to keep in mind that you, at some point, have learned
to do nearly everything you do today. You could've picked up the lesson
consciously or unconsciously, but at one point, you did not know how
to do it, and now you do. This book helps you to understand the
importance of learned skills. Throughout life, we gather a series of
acquired skills, which means two important things: first, that everything
that you want to do, you can learn; and second, that everything you
already know you can enhance.
This evolution is called the growth mindset. The fixed mindset believes
who you are today is who you will always be, and there is nothing you
can do to change that, but the growth mindset says, "I learned
everything; therefore, I can learn new things." How you see yourself and
how you speak with yourself are both learned behaviors. I urge the
reader to focus on the idea of learning as they practice the skills offered
in this book.
We all arrive on Earth with two learning tools: the brain and the mind.
While the brain is the hard-working hardware, the mind is the ever-
running software prone to developing self-sabotaging loops of thought.
As discussed, self-sabotage is behavior or thought patterns that hold you
back and prevent you from doing what you want to do. You sabotage
yourself when you believe in your imminent failure. However, you can
just as comfortably believe in your impending success if you reprogram
these thought loops. That is the purpose of this book. As you work with
the skills in it, you will achieve your success.
In an ever-changing, chaotic world, we have ample opportunity to take
in negative conversations, impulses, thoughts, and ideas about ourselves.
If you allow your mind to soak in these impulses without harnessing the
power to look forward, then you sabotage your success and development.
We also hinder our accomplishments when we overthink everything we
plan to do. We end up doubting our abilities and tormenting ourselves
with thoughts of inadequacy. However, it's possible to embrace a new
way of thinking and using your mind in a new way that will allow
you to move your life in the direction you choose. It will help you to
start to live without self-defeating behavior.
We are wired to succeed. You can see this wiring for success in a child.
A child before the age of four is quite unbeatable. You can see the
determination and single-mindedness in children. They have not started
absorbing the negative programming from the world that tells them they
can't achieve what they want. They will continue with a task that they
are interested in until they succeed at it. They may sit with it for hours,
and in some cases, even days. We all have that same skill and those
same abilities locked within us. It is possible to move from the
complications surrounding a matter to definite success with single-
mindedness and focus.
It all boils down to how we train ourselves to think about ourselves and
our abilities. Our view of self will influence our success tremendously.
Successful thoughts or self-talk focused on goals that we are determined
to achieve will positively impact the quality of our lives. It could be that
you were struggling to find joy and satisfaction in even the most
mundane aspects of your lives; however, as you go through this book
and practice the offered skills, you can change not only your outward
demeanor but your whole outlook on life.
Persistent thoughts of potential failure also lead to self-defeating behavior.
Self-defeating behavior is any series of actions that hurts or hinders
rather than helps you reach your intended goal in the long term. If
what you end up doing gives you results far from what you intended or
desired, and that makes you deeply unhappy and frustrated, then you
are likely practicing self-defeating behavior. These results mean that your
behavior and goals are out of sync, making you become your own
greatest hindrance to progress. The question that one should always keep
in mind is why they should do self-defeating things? Why would you,
dear reader, keep doing things that do not give you the results you
desire?
This book is a worthy companion that will ensure that you do not arrive
at behavior counter to your goals. Please do not read it once and set it
aside, instead read it once over and then keep it close. It will serve you
not only for your immediate goals but also as you transition to the next
higher goal that you wish to attain.
I am committed to the subject of self-improvement, and I wrote this book
to enlighten you on the best skills that will enable you to achieve what
you desire. The connection between belief systems, behavior, and ultimate
performance at the individual level fascinates me. Through this book, I
have made complex concepts from the disciplines of psychology and
human behavior easy to grasp.
You have with you practical skills that you can put to work
immediately. With the skills given, you will overcome self-doubt, self-
defeating behavior, and self-sabotage. You have all you need to attain
the highest level you wish to achieve, and I desire that you will be
successful in whatever goal you set out to achieve.
I will continue to research and bring you new ideas that will inspire
you to excel continuously. Look out for them.
- GJ Malone
 REFERENC ES

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Paquette, Danielle. "The real President JFK: Even a political titan faces
self-doubt." Independent. 24 January 2017. https://www.independent.co.uk/
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