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October 20, 2011 Volume 4, Issue 8 pittifulnews.com

New Port Authority Buses: Advanced Fuel Efficiency, Creepier Old Woman
JOHN LAVANGA staff writer The newest line Port Authority Buses being introduced this month are being hailed a success by both drivers and riders alike for their new features and upgrades. Most important among these upgrades are increased fuel efficiency, greater leg room, improved air circulation, and a newly updated glaring old woman on each of the new buses. In a recent press release, Port Authority CEO Steve Bland noted that The newly introduced buses will reduce costs and improve comfort on daily commutes, and the cold stare of the CONTINUED PAGE 2
IN THIS ISSUE page 2 pun of the week political analysis of sesame street page 3 weekly forecast sex tips for older women page 4 alcohol awareness words to impress the ladies

Too big to fail? He could certainly occupy Wall Street! He is the 99% (in mass). WILLS BUTLER, STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Occupy Pittsburgh Great Success!

WILLS BUTLER senior writer A day that will remain in our hearts forever as we gaze upon this vastly changed city. We may not yet know what it means for our future, but the light at the end of the tunnel is approaching quickly, so be ready. After the catastrophic failure that was Occupy Wall Street, protestors nation-wide realized they still had time and indignant rage left. The only solution, obviously, was more protesting. But where? A question asked all around the country, with no obvious answer. Wall Street was done; Googles headquarters remains in inaccessible Kansas; and clearly Washington DC made no sense. What could a bunch of politicians do to fix economic problems? Suddenly, in a beacon of light strong enough that even the fog of New England lifted, the answer was revealed: Pittsburgh. A city with at least one bank named after it (originally), Pittsburgh has a stranglehold over Americas economy, and indirectly, the worlds. Though the steel mills are closed down and Nuclear energy will be on hiatus for decades, crippling Westinghouse, wellBatman was filmed here! So off the protestors went. Their rally was a unified front, behind which parties such as Libertarians, Socialists, Hippies, Anarchists, Bored College Kids, and Hipsters alike could unite! Revealing a list of demands covering such topics as: CONT ON PAGE 2

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the pittiful news

october 20, 2011

CONT. FROM PAGE 1 new creepy old woman three rows from the back of the bus will chill riders to the bone even more so than the previous model. The new buses, boast a full 34% improvement in fuel efficiency, boosting the buses fuel economy to nearly 18 mpg. Additionally, each new bus is equipped with a full size bike rack, a much improved air conditioning system, and an updated Old Betsy, the glaring, mumbling old woman that has become a favorite among bus riders. According to Blands press release, Old Betsy offers many new services that the antiquated version did not, including improved facial recognition, and a snarl that is up to 18% more frightening. Bland stressed the importance of the

recognition features, saying that the new Old Betsy will be able to remember that time you and your friends rode the bus last week, and repeat things they told you when you ride alone. This ensures that each rider can have a memorable, personalized experience. Although Port Authority often receives criticism for its reduced fares and cramped buses, it appears that the new buses may assist PAs attempts to reverse the endless stream of negative publicity headed their way. James Hewitt, a commuter from Shadyside and a student at the University of Pittsburgh, commented that the new buses have been superb. He added that I always used to bash the bus system here. Back in New

York, taking the Subway is always quick and easy, and the mumbling crazy people are always staring at you and mumbling things about aliens, or pigeons. However, when I got on one of the new buses I could tell it was a step in the right direction. They clearly care about making the system better, even when theyre working on a limited budget. Plus that old lady near the back of every bus is just as creepy as anything Ive seen on a subway. The other day, she whispered things about my parents to me and I nearly cried. When Old Betsy was reached for comment she did not respond, but merely stared blankly into the center of the interviewers very being.

A Comcast workers' wedding had a great reception.

ALEX SEMIDEI Senior Contributor me escape student debt, it is no wonder people everywhere are signing up and taking to the streets. Some people, unfortunately, do not support these modern Gandhis. Occupy Pittsburgh is made up of college kids who used their parents credit card to buy the poster board and markers theyre using to protest, said noted Pittsburgian, Charles Norris. They havent been affected by the economic crisis because they arent even in the real world. Turns out Sodexo and Panther Central are not subject to the wage fluctuation the rest of the job market experiences. Go back to smoking pot underneath the handicap ramp by Towers Patio, hipCONT. FROM PAGE 1 ster scum! The last sentence was Corporations, punctuated by a roundhouse kick that man, The killed 99% of the protestors. The irogovernment is like, corrupt and shit, ny was lost on the rest. Supported by and the ever popular, Turns out this the National Socialist Party of AmeriCommunications Major isnt helping ca, derided by liberals and conservatives alike, and ignored entirely by every CEO and financial worker on Wall Street, the Occupy Wall Street movement is truly an enigma. They have no solutions, only problems. They criticize previous protestors such as Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., and John Lennon. They alienate the media and generally make a nuisance and embarrassment of themselves. Surely the 1960s would be proud. These protests are scheduled to end in November due to a combination of both Skyrim AND Minecraft coming out. Also, Pittsburgh winter. Viva la Revolucin!

the pittiful news W E E KLY F OR C AST

october 20, 2011

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NOT EVERYTHING GETS BETTER WITH AGE

ELENA FRANCESCA staff writer Upon entering my junior year at the lovely University of Pittsburgh, I thought that I pretty much had the weekend social scene down to a science. As a freshman, I was taught how to put on a condom, where to go on the weekends, how to be as scantily clad as possible without getting a public indecency charge, and I acquired all sorts of awareness on the alcohol front. Oh yes, I was quite the knowledge nugget as a freshman and this knowledge continued to accumulate my sophomore year. By the time I reached junior status, I thought that nothing could hold me back. On move in day, I looked myself directly in the eyes, raised my eyebrows twice while nodding in approval, and told myself, This year, youre finally gonna be somebody, kiddo. The first Friday of the semester, I dusted off my favorite party dress, caked on some mascara, threw on a pair of heels and styled my hair into the ever-foxy poof. I rolled into the party with my baseball bat and classic Im really sorry, but I have a boyfriend line at the ready (to fend the boys off), but little did I know that my legacy had

ended. As I sat on the couch of the smoke-filled frat and watched freshman boys spitting game like its sunflower seeds, a realization occurred to me. All this time, I believed that junior status would make me a hotter commodity. That all the freshman boys would be ogling over this mysterious, older woman. Not the case. After some in depth thought and countless experiences of getting shot down, I realized that age does not equate to desirability. On the contrary, guys believe in the motto: the younger the better. Everyone wants the freshmeat freshmen, the sirloin sophomores, and then theres me: the beef jerky junior. Old, dried up, and Does no one else miss High School? I got an acquired taste that is primarily laid three times just while vandalizing popular amongst middle aged truck these lockers. drivers. Now some people would WILLS BUTLER, STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER probably take this realization to heart, lock themselves in their remouth. So the lesson to be learned spective bedrooms and refuse to be here is: if youre a freshmeat freshman spotted on the social scene ever or sirloin sophomore, use it before you again. Not this gal. There I was: lose it. If youre a beef jerky junior, young, nave, and just looking for keep it or youre in deep shit. If youre eye candy. It took me until now to see that what I need isnt eye candy. a spam senior, buy a cat. No, I need myself an eye vegetable. Sure, vegetables taste gross and they sometimes smell funny and can have strange effects on your stomach, but in the long run, theyre good for you. Its the good old eye vegetable thats going to be there for you at the end of the day, even if he isnt the most appetizing looking thing youve ever put near your

the pittiful news

october 20, 2011

Alcohol Miseducation Week at Pitt

KELSEY HENKE editor-in-chief October 17-21 is National Collegiate Alcohol Miseducation Week. The goal of the activities this week is to miseducate the students on how to party safely and how to recognize the potential dangers of alcohol. Thousands of informational brochures have been distributed throughout the week with titles such as Bread, Pretzels and Other Foods That Will Get You Sober, How to Make Sure Your Passed Out Friend Still Looks Like a Classy Babe and Beer Before Liquor, Never Been a Better Idea. Student reactions have been mixed. Sophomore James Bean voiced his support for the campaign: Students should learn how to misconduct themselves when they have been drinking. Maybe this will lower the number of non-belligerent, fullycoordinated people in Sorrentos pizza on Friday nights. Conversely, sophomore Jackson Daniels complained that the awareness week will not be effective in changing his habits. He maintains

Hi. Do you have any fruit? Because my friend said you had a nice pair.
ALEX SEMIDEI Staff Contributor

W O R D S TO I M P R E S S T H E L A D I E S

Police Brutality against Iguanas reached a new peak during the Occupy Mammalia Movement, igniting riots nationwide
WILLS BULTER,

STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

that he will continue to get really sober as long as it doesnt interfere with school.

JOIN THE CLUB meetings monday 8:31pm willam pitt union room 510
CONTRIBUTING STAFF

Kelsey Henke Wills Butler Elena Francesca John Lavanga Alex Semidei

Editor-In-Chief Senior Writer/Magaging Editor /Photographer Staff Writer Staff Writer Senior Contributor

Professor Budny preparing for an Alcohol Miseducation Think-tank. WILLS BULTER, STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER