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Home » Marriage » Marriage Success » How to

Truly Love Your Spouse

HOW TO TRULY
LOVE YOUR
SPOUSE
BY GARY CHAPMAN
FEBRUARY 12, 2016

Wavebreak Media/Thinkstock

True love, the kind of love that keeps

a couple together for a lifetime, is not
a feeling but an attitude. It says, "With
the help of God, I'm going to do
everything I can to enhance the life of
my spouse."

He sat in my oPce and said, “I just don’t love

my wife anymore. I wish I did, but I don’t. I’ve
even asked God to give me love for her. But I
just don’t have any feelings for her anymore.”

This husband was absolutely sincere, but he

was misguided in his understanding of love.
He pictured love as warm, emotional,
romantic feelings for his wife.

Since these did not exist, he could not

manufacture them and even God was not
providing them, he concluded that his
marriage was over. Thousands of men and
women in our society have come to the same
conclusion.

True love, the kind of love that keeps a couple

together for a lifetime, is not a feeling but an
attitude. It says, With the help of God, I’m
going to do everything I can to enhance the life
of my spouse.

This attitude leads to words and actions that

are beneZcial to your spouse and often
stimulate warm emotions inside the spouse’s
heart. If this person reciprocates with words
and behavior that express his or her love for
you, warm emotions may also return to you.

One of the great tragedies of Western culture

is that we have equated love with warm
emotional feelings. In fact, these warm
romantic feelings are the result of love, not
the essence of love. This is why love can be
commanded, as in Ephesians 5:25:
“Husbands, love your wives”; and love can be
taught and learned, as noted in Titus 2:4,
where the older women are instructed to
teach the younger women to love their
husbands. God doesn’t command emotions,
but He often commands attitudes and
behavior.

The good news is that whatever God

commands, He enables us to do.

With over 10 million copies sold, this book by

author Gary Chapman has already
transformed countless relationships. Order
your copy of this inspiring book now!

Love is an Attitude
In the early days of my marriage, my wife and
I were fairly miserable. We both wondered if
we had married the wrong person.

In my desperation, I said to God, “I don’t know

what else to do, and I am asking for Your
help.” As soon as I prayed that prayer, there
came to my mind a visual image of Jesus on
His knees, washing the feet of His followers.

I sensed God say to me, “That’s the problem

in your marriage. You don’t have the attitude
of Christ toward your wife.”

I knew what He said was true. At that time,

my attitude toward my wife was, Look, I know
how to have a good marriage. If you will listen
to me, we’ll have one. She wouldn’t listen, so I
blamed her for our poor marriage.

God gave me a new perspective. The problem

was not her but my attitude.

I said, “Lord, forgive me. With all of my study

in Greek, Hebrew and theology, I missed the
whole point of love. Please give me the
attitude of Christ toward my wife. Let me see
her as one whom You love, and let me be
Your agent for loving her.”

In retrospect, it was the greatest prayer I have

ever prayed regarding my marriage because
God changed my attitude. I was no longer
waiting for warm feelings; I was choosing to
love her as Christ loved His disciples. I asked
my wife three questions:

1. What can I do to help you?

2. How can I make your life easier?
3. How can I be a better husband to you?

Her answers led my behavior. When I started

serving her as Christ served His disciples, her
attitude toward me changed. It did not
happen overnight, but within three months,
she started asking me those same questions.
My behavior had touched her heart, and her
attitude and behavior had changed.

First John 4:19 says that we love because

God loved us Zrst. Love stimulates love.

Love as a Way of
Life
Some say love is an act of benevolence. That
is not totally true. People can do a beneZcial
action with an unloving attitude.

The husband who says with a harsh voice,

“OK, I’ll take the garbage out if you will get off
my back” has not performed an act of love.

The husband who mows the grass simply

because his wife has been nagging him for
weeks is doing a kind act, but it may be done
to silence her critical words.

The wife who agrees to be sexually intimate

with her husband simply out of a sense of
duty or guilt is not performing an act of love,
either.

Love is the choice to cooperate with God in

serving your spouse. The individuals who
truly love see themselves as God’s agents for
enriching the lives of their marriage partner.
For them, love is a way of life. They are
constantly looking for ways to help,
encourage and support the partner.

Such love often stimulates warm, romantic

feelings in the heart of the spouse. Emotions
are the icing on the cake. But without a loving
attitude and appropriate behavior, the icing
will melt.

A man I spoke of in the Zrst part of this

series, the one who sat in my oPce
complaining that he did not love his wife,
eventually discovered the biblical concept of
love. And with the help of God, he committed
himself to loving his wife. His wife
reciprocated his love, and their marriage was
reborn.

I have seen this happen hundreds of times

over the past 35 years as I have counseled
couples. It can also happen in your marriage.

The Scriptures say the Holy Spirit pours the

love of God in our hearts (Romans 5:5).

God wants to use you in your marriage. Ask

Him to give you a loving attitude toward your
spouse and to pour out His love through you.
It is a prayer God will answer.

Revitalizing Secrets of
a Healthy Marriage
Did you know the Hebrew root word for
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Greg and Erin Smalley are those people.
They've reached countless couples
through their counseling practices,
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Family.

Like, Follow, and Listen

Copyright © 2010 Gary Chapman. From the

Focus on the Family website at
FocusOnTheFamily.com.

TOPICS: BIBLICAL MARRIAGE

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About the Author

GARY CHAPMAN
Dr. Gary Chapman is the senior associate
pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in
Winston-Salem, N.C. He’s also an
international public speaker and the best-
selling author of numerous books
including The Five Love Languages whic…
has sold more than sevenmillion copies
and hasMore
beenby
translated into nearly 40
Gary Chapman
languages. Dr. Chapman holds several
academic degrees including a Ph.D. in
adult education from Southwestern
PREVIOUS NEXT
Baptist Theological Seminary. He and his
The Everyday Husb… Learn to Fight Fair
wife, Karolyn, have been married for over
50 years and have two grown children.

Read More About:

Biblical Marriage Marriage

Marriage Success

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