A to Z OF MARRIAGE

26 lessons learnt In 20 years of Marriage

and how to find JOY, LOVE &
FULFILMENT in Marriage.

www.udookonjo.com
HISTORY:
*Married 20 years ago in 1996. Four lovely healthy well adjusted going
somewhere major to happen signs and wonders planted in palace style
children.

*Immensely fulfilled, stimulated and truly grateful state of wellbeing.

Not in anyway tolerating the union or keeping up appearances
despite it not being the fairytale I thought in 1996.
*Actively seeing its many benefits, joys and blessings intertwined
with its numerous thorns, thistles and trials. Laced with beauty,
like fine wine, on a rainy day, imperfect in its perfection or is it
the other way around? It matters not.
All that matters is that, this marriage is not a statistic of
the two shall become one, and die in it for better for
worse, wither happy or sad, wither unfulfilled or
terrified and terribly underwhelmed.
This here marriage has stood, because it has
recognized that in all, the beauty of a union lies in
mutual decisions to stay so intertwined, tough choices
daily, sacrifices, laughter and tears, love, deep sadness
with incredible blessings, heartthrobs,
heartthrobs, mixed with heartbreaks,
deep friendship, an undeniable sense of connection and a realization that the two shall become
one was not a burden to destroy but a blessing to enrich and empower.

*A true story of roses and thorns and a

testimony that it's roses that have thorns not the

other way around. And that makes all the

difference.

On account of this background, I feel imminently

qualified to share a few thoughts on the A to Z of
marriage having experienced it at its highest and lowest
ebb and in most shades and hues.
A
- AWARENESS and ACCEPTANCE of one's self is a gift and not to be taken lightly. It
will make you a more valuable spouse. People who are unsure of themselves tend to
make miserable partners. The reason most marriages struggle in the initial years is due
largely to insecurity. Know thyself. Invest in thyself. Be self aware. Love and respect yourself
first before you can give or expect it from another. Know your core values.

Awareness of your spouse's strengths and weaknesses is also important. I suppose that's why
we are advised to go through marriage counseling.
You'll never really know everything upfront, because
Know thyself, Invest in thyself,
there's an element of faith required even with marriage.
Just make sure you don't gloss over the key character
Be self aware, Love and respect issues that affect your core values.
yourself rst before you can give or

B
- BLESS NOT CURSE. Be a blesser and a blessing in
expect it from another. Know your your marriage . Bless, do not curse your marriage
core values. in times of distress. Speak blessings over your
home daily or as often as you feel stressed or blessed,
especially when the reasons to bless are scarce.
Never forget this. Bless not curse. I can't tell you how important this will be over the course of
your marriage. Don't even jokingly curse. Bless always.

C
- CRY ONLY TO GOD and a wise counselor He directs you to, never to a man, mum or
your mob of friends. This is so simple, you'd think it's obvious. But alas many marriages
have failed because of crying out to the wrong ears.
D
- DANCE with your man. Especially alone in your bedroom. I love doing this (not
happening as often), but we dance to Diamente by Randy Crawford and it still takes us
back 20 years.

Dance with your fears they say especially when your spouse makes certain decisions that you
may not immediately understand or agree with. Learn to let him go ahead if it's not a do or die
matter and be ready to bite your tongue when things don't quite turn out the way he expected
and instead turns out the way you feared. Never say I told you so.

E
- EXPECTATIONS! Ah! The devastation of many
marriages. Most problems start because of
Be clear what's important and mismatched expectations. Create a checklist as
much as you can and as you go along.
remember it's better to love than to be

right all the time. When in doubt, Be clear what are your non-negotiables, your would be
great, and your I care not. For me, "a would be great" - is
discuss your joint expectations.
to be affectionately held especially when taking
photographs, or to get a birthday gift but it's not a deal
breaker. Non- negotiable is anything that affects my
spirituality, physical or emotional well being. The 'I care not'- is anything to do with traditional
expectations around publicly set events eg Valentine's Day and such. Boundaries around
personal space, share of work/money etc all fall into areas where expectations are usually
misaligned or miscommunicated. Be clear what's important and remember it's better to love
than to be right all the time. When in doubt, discuss your joint expectations.
F
- FAITH. Ah! Marriage is the biggest act of faith. He's not your father. He's not your
favourite brother. He's at best a stranger, turned friend, now turned husband. Oh, but
what does that really mean? Hmmmm... It will all unfold over the next 2, 5, 8, 10, 20, 30,
50 or more years. You'll just have to wait to find out. If that's not faith, I don't know what is. F is
also for FRIENDSHIP. Make sure you genuinely like each other. F is for FAMILY (nuclear and
extended), both are important and be open to unconditional love. F is also for FINANCE which
requires common sense and wisdom to navigate. F is my biggest alphabet in marriage.

Husband 1st then children next.
That's the divine hierarchy. Husband
comes before children. It's that
simple.
G
- GRACE & GOD FACTOR. Without which all else
is commentary. Commit your marriage affairs to
the creator and originator of marriages. Seek
guidance and grace daily. Start early. Never give up.
Marriage was God's idea. Get your template from Him.
Making Him the focus and reason for your love and
commitment to your spouse makes it easier on tough
days.

H
- HUSBAND FIRST then children next. That's the divine hierarchy. Husband comes
before children. It's that simple. Not sure why you think otherwise. Maybe because you
reckon, you can at least trust the children. This very issue may very well be the biggest
challenge you have- thinking children come first. You'll understand this as time goes on.
Husband first before friends and other family members. Husband definitely before work
colleagues or work. Period. (Ok I know that's controversial but really it shouldn't be.
It just means, don't overdo things.

I
- INVEST TOGETHER 'BUT' always have your own small independent fund. You are a whole
human first before the two intertwined. You'll be buried alone and may even end up in
different places. Ok not a nice thought. But really each of you has a unique calling that may
be affected by your financial ability. Imagine that you have a heart for orphaned children and
need to give a small gift which needs to pass the scrutiny of your beloved who may be wired to
think orphans should get gifts only at Christmas. Just a small scenario. I'm sure you get the
picture. Invest together, it builds a bond. But if you are a
Invest together, it builds a bond.
woman of purpose, you must have an independent purse
which should be respected and protected. Call it your joy
But if you are a woman of purpose, or purpose purse. I is also for INTIMACY. Remember to
you must have an independent purse invest in this too.

which should be respected and

J
- JUST ASK. If you really want something done by
protected. your husband, prevent the heart ache of thinking he's
a mind reader. Don't hint! JUST ASK. Tell him exactly
what, how, when and everything but why. By the time you
get to why, you are talking too much.

K
- KISS. Kisses they say are like real estate. It's all about location, location, location. If you
only kiss in bed, you are missing out. Kissing in unplanned scenarios is easily the most
valuable tool to keep the fire burning and the love turned up. Kiss in the morning,
(after brushing once you've been married past a year)
Kiss in the kitchen. Kiss in front of the kids as they grow up but keep this variation "Family
edition". Kiss him unexpectedly while driving or out and about.

L
- LOVE. Hmmmmmm. What does this even mean? You'd think if you didn't love him, you'd
not be married. This is probably the most shocking thing to find out that you never really
start loving until you've both overcome adversity. That's where true love is found and
built. Are you willing to and have you gone through stuff together that could break you but
didn't? Have you given up something valuable? A right to be right? A right to withhold
A right to withhold forgiveness?
keep your mothers out of your
If he falls, will you stand with him? And has he stood with
marriage as much as is feasible'. you? Will you share when he has nothing or is yours
Mothers get emotional. Mothers
yours? Will you stay if everything is lost even through bad
judgement or trial? What about health? If everything
generally love their own more and changes- will you still love? Hmmm. Love starts where
mean no harm. you've been tested. Love, but wait until it's tested. Truly
love covers all things. May you find true love.

M
- MOTHERS AS MARRIAGE MENTORS . Mothers are great marriage mentors. Or are
they? Read my lips- 'keep your mothers out of your marriage as much as is feasible'.
Mothers get emotional. Mothers generally love their own more and mean no harm.
But learn this early- the marriages that last longest have more man and wife and less wife and
mum or husband and mum. I speak from experience. Keep your tales and complaints for a
seasoned independent counsellor if required.
N
- NURTURE your relationship. Nurture your minds by having stimulating conversations
about things beyond the home front. Strategise together as often as possible about
joint and individual goals. Ask questions that demonstrate a keen interest. N is also for
Nourishment of the body, through providing good food -a big plus and a major struggle in the
modern world. Find a way around this if you work full time. Be present in as many ways as you
can. Dish the food, dress it, make a show of serving it, enhance it. Make sure your cooking even
if once in a while has its own edge. Order in if you have to (in advance of course), but give him a
treat every now and then especially weekend breakfasts if you both work actively.

O
- ORGANISE your home or someone else will.
Make your own plans for how you'd like your
Quarrel but do not Quit. Always
family to operate. Your home is your haven and
no one else must call the shots there.
make up fast. There's no perfection

when two humans join together.

P
- PRAY for your family daily/often especially your
spouse. Pray for his mind, spirituality, sexuality,
business, influence in the community. Pray for his
purpose to be aligned with God's and for him to be
successful in real terms not just work. Pray for a godly
mentor/role model especially when still newly wed. Pray for your in laws too. Pray for your
children's spouses in advance. It's never too early. P is also for PATIENCE. You'll need loads of it.
P is for PERFECTION. You'll never find it in marriage.

Q - QUARREL but do not QUiT. Always make up fast. There's no perfection when two
humans join together. But be careful. Mentally tell yourself not to cross certain lines
even when having an intense moment. Be sure to make up real good to
make it worthwhile. Don't be afraid to say sorry first or apologize even if you are right. Choose
your battles carefully but never enable or reward bad behavior.

Q is also for Quit. Please don't do this unless your life, emotional, physical or mental well being
is threatened. There's usually a way but each case will be different. Seek help if necessary.

By giving him respect, you are
casting upon him a
responsibility to treat you like the
queen that you are.
R
- RESPECT and ROMANCE go hand in hand. That
women want love and men want respect, is the
truth. Esteem him, respect and honour him above
everyone else but God's word. By giving him respect, you
are casting upon him a responsibility to treat you like the
queen that you are.

S
- SACRIFICE. See letter L. Marriage = Sacrifice. Not
a woe is me type of sacrifice though, but an -I choose
to because I love God and I love you type of
sacrifice. The Calvary type. Sacrifice out of love and conviction not to keep score.

T
- TRUST is key. When in doubt, share your movement, your contact, your friendships with
your spouse. Keep an open book to protect yourself. My uncle and parents taught me
that the appearance of evil is as bad or worse than the evil. Build and maintain this key
principle in marriage. Trust is the foundation of all relationships. Protect it. Build
it steadily through appropriate behaviour.
U
- UPGRADE. What worked in courtship won't cut it in marriage oh. You know what I
mean. Let's clear out the clutter. Let's keep reinventing ourselves. Personal grooming.
Personal and professional development matters. Don't get left behind. Do it for your
own self esteem. Upgrade constantly.

V
- VOICE NOT VICTIM. Find your voice. Never allow yourself to become a victim in a
marriage. Speak up. He found you because you had a voice and an essence. Never lose
it. You take the position you tolerate in your relationship.
you can either be relevant through having a voice or you
can become a victim that accepts what ever is thrown at
Do the extraordinary in your you. Never settle. Be a voice for peace, love and truth in
your marriage.
marriage. Give up some of your

comfort to bring someone else joy.

W
- WRITE love letters. Write love songs. Write
to explain the painful things you can't express
Give amazing surprises.
verbally. Write apology notes. Write love texts
in the middle of the day. W is for Words too. Words are
powerful. Use them carefully to build up, to praise to love.
W is also for Worship. Worship no one but God. Don't elevate your spouse to the God status.
He's man. He can't satisfy your every emotional or other needs. Release him from this
unhealthy status. Don't rely on his love to feel complete.

X
- XTRA MILE is where love is. You do extraordinary things for clients and maybe
colleagues, Do the extraordinary in your marriage. Give up some of your comfort to
bring someone else joy. Give amazing surprises.
Y
- YOU ROCK. You matter. You are a whole complete person. Always remember this.
Honour yourself in marriage. Never give up your dreams or aspirations. They are just as
valid as your spouse's. Just be sure that if you are not yet married, that you check
whether your visions are aligned. If you are already married, then prayerfully seek ways to
work on your dreams without destroying your relationship. But if it keeps you awake, then you
must find a creative outlet for your bold dreams. Find small ways of expressing yourself but
start somewhere.

You are a whole complete person.

Always remember this. Honour

yourself in marriage. Never give up

your dreams or aspirations.

Z
- ZONE OF INTERDEPENDENCE. Everyone no matter how close must enjoy zones
of inter independence. That's what keeps the zest in a marriage. No one wants to
marry a clone of themselves.
T
hese principles are my own reflection and perspective on the topic of marriage based
mainly on experience. A lot of the lessons however are reflective of what I'd do
differently if I knew what I now know and what I believe to be the gold standard. The
point is to encourage younger and older married people to reflect on the journey of marriage
observing what works and what doesn't. I like using alphabets and letters to create lessons
because everyone can use them. Why not try creating your own marriage rules or lessons.
Or just feel free to send me some of yours and I may just incorporate them if I agree.

Udo Okonjo
April 13, 2016
The Cunningham.