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What Every Mental Health Professional Needs To Know About Sex 1st Edition Ebook PDF Version
What Every Mental Health Professional Needs To Know About Sex 1st Edition Ebook PDF Version
What Every Mental Health Professional Needs To Know About Sex 1st Edition Ebook PDF Version
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v
vi contents
Bibliography 269
Index 295
Foreword
vii
viii foreword
ix
x preface
sex therapy.” I felt rudderless, adrift in a sea of technical language, with bits
and pieces of various theories floating past like flotsam and jetsam.
Perhaps joining an appropriate organization might help me, I reasoned. I
joined the American Association of Educators, Counselors, and Therapists
and learned they had a certification process that included education and
supervision. I chose Stephen Braveman, MFT, as my supervisor, and through
his patient guidance and generous spirit (he sent me away with a duffle bag
of materials on human sexuality), I began the 2-year trek to learn all I could
to be an effective sex therapist.
Along the way, I received an entirely different education. First, colleagues
and other professionals questioned my choice to become a sex therapist.
Wouldn’t I be dealing with pedophiles and other pariahs? Second, some
confused me with a sexual surrogate, a type of person who operates under
the legal radar to teach people about their sexuality in a way that a pro-
fessional license prohibited, for example, touching clients or having them
examine bodies, both their own and that of the surrogate. Third, it struck
me again and again how ludicrous it was, with all my education, that none
of my college professors at the g raduate level had ever really talked about
sex. Why didn’t I know anything about the connection between eating dis-
orders and sexual problems? How come I had never heard of painful sex
and what to do about it? Didn’t I need to know how to assess persons who
had been sexually abused about their current ability to function normally
in their adult relationships?
Additionally, I began to pay attention to what clients said when they
found my services. If they were referred by another therapist, it was often
because the therapists “didn’t ‘do’ sex.” If they had been in therapy but were
self-referred, it might be that they felt the therapist would be uncomfortable
if they brought up the topic. Others were in therapy for years, but since the
topic never came up, they never said anything. It was only when they real-
ized that all the time and money they were spending had zero effect on their
sexual pleasure that they searched for someone who would help them with
the “real” problem.
I held two feelings about this. On one hand, I was happy that I received
appropriate referrals. On the other, I was upset that other therapists added to
the client’s shame about sex. By refusing or neglecting to ask about the client’s
sex life, therapists reinforced the cultural message that “nice people don’t talk
about sex.” But if people (nice or not) can’t talk about sex in the therapist’s
office, where can they talk about it? Clearly something needed to change.
Back I went to thinking about my own evolution as a therapist. Information
about treating sexual problems, I knew, was difficult reading. Few of the
books take the therapist by the hand and lead them through the entire pro-
cess of assessment and treatment from the moment of the intake call through
termination. None of them deal with one of the most important issues of all:
the sexuality of the therapist. Unless the therapist is comfortable with sex,
preface xi
there would be no discussion of the topic in the therapy office. That fact
alerted me that if I were to write a book on how to do sex therapy, I needed
to start there, with helping the reader to make sense of what sexuality is
and how to understand one’s own development, experiences, thoughts,
attitudes, and beliefs about sex.
In your hand or on your screen, you have the text I envisioned for every
therapist to have as a reference on his or her bookshelf. Whether you want to
embrace sex therapy as a niche for your practice, or you want to be a thera-
pist who “does” sex, my hope is that What Every Mental Health Professional
Needs to Know About Sex will be a clear, pragmatic entrance into helping
clients of all kinds resolve sexual concerns—a boat of sorts to help you navi-
gate what can be a confusing area of human experience. I also hope that it
will become a book you can turn to again and again when a client presents
with a sexual concern to remind yourself that there exists an approach and
information to calmly tackle common, and uncommon, sexual problems.
Human sexuality is perhaps one of the most complicated on the planet.
Shrouded in secrecy, regulated by religion and law, and assigned meanings
from original sin to the ultimate expression of sacred joy, sexuality can per-
plex even the wisest therapists. Sexuality is often a topic ignored in graduate
programs in psychology, marriage and family therapy, and social work. In
California where I practice, a psychologist is required to merely complete
12 hours (not course hours, hours) of instruction in sex therapy. This training
was disembodied, that is, it had no connection to the 4 to 5 years of course-
work learning about all other aspects of the human mind.
What Every Mental Health Professional Needs to Know About Sex is a straight-
forward, plain-language book designed to take the therapist who knows
very little or who might be uncomfortable about sex, to a place of knowledge
and competence. To accomplish this, Part I: The Courage to Treat Sexual
Problems begins in Chapter 1 with a rationale regarding the reasons why
all mental health professionals need to be able to address clients’ sexual con-
cerns, especially the fact that our current social climate has raised clients’
expectations about pleasure. In Chapter 2, the reader will find topics con-
cerning one’s own sexuality, including overcoming any associated shame
and guilt related to sexual behavior, improving attitudes toward sexual
pleasure, and embracing sexual diversity—not only the LGBTQ community,
but sexuality in those who are ill or aging, or who engage in alternative
sexual practices, for example, fetish behavior. Psychosexual development
and the physiology of sex are covered in Chapter 3, while Chapter 4 is an
examination of definitions of sexual health generated by various experts
and organizations.
Part II: Assessing and Treating Sexual Concerns begins with an introduc-
tion to the thorough assessment of sexual problems that relies on two models
and that forms a core part of the book. The first is Annon’s PLISSIT model,
described in detail in Chapter 5; the second is an ecosystemic framework for
xii preface
xv
xvi acknowledgments
3
4 I: the courage to treat sexual problems
Clients come to us to help them solve all kinds of problems, which may
include sexual concerns. The Laumann survey (Laumann, Paik & Rosen, 1999)
of male and female sexual problems—the largest of its kind—reported that
about 60% of women and 30% of men have had some type of sexual dysfunc-
tion. With numbers like these, it is safe to assume that a good portion of your
current clients have a sexual problem. If you do not ask, however, you may
never hear about these issues. But clients sometimes do tell me, as an identi-
fied sex therapist, some of the reasons why they left a former therapist who
didn’t talk about sex:
●● One woman found the courage to seek help for the fact that she was
still a virgin 7 years after her wedding night due to vaginismus (spasm
of the vagina that prevents penetration), but she could not bring her-
self to tell the therapist about her problem. Since the therapist never
asked about sex, the client got the message loud and clear: Sex is not
spoken here.
●● A couple trying to get past an affair that nearly destroyed their marriage
couldn’t bring themselves to tell their “uptight” therapist that they had
enjoyed swinging early in their relationship. The couple’s history added
to their confusion about boundaries and rules in the marriage, but their
weeks in therapy were useless because they feared the therapist would
judge them if they disclosed their early history.
●● Sam and Cynthia sought a therapist’s help for Cynthia, who believed
she had a low sex drive as a result of being molested as a child. Because
the couple had difficulty talking about sex, the therapist changed
the topic from sex to finances because, explained Sam, “the therapist
thought if we made more money, we’d be happier.” Two years later,
Cynthia still had a low sex drive; fortunately, the couple sought appro-
priate help.
Our culture also has done a poor job of acknowledging that pedophiles and
people with other difficult sex and social problems do exist and frequently
deserve compassionate treatment (Cantor, 2012).
For teens and young adults, date rape is distressingly common on col-
lege campuses; many young women have shared with me that the reputed
response of campus security was so lukewarm that they made a decision
not to report. Yet, its effects can linger well into adulthood. Today’s young
adults are also the first to grow up in the digital age. Many have spent so
much time viewing Internet pornography that they neglected to develop the
social and sexual skills to have a real partner. How might things be differ-
ent if they were raised in a culture that acknowledged sexual needs, made it
easy to attain contraception, and talked openly about what it means to be in
a healthy sexual relationship?
Therapists are not immune to such sexual negativity. Pope and Feldman-
Summers (1992) report that about two-thirds of female and one-third of male
therapists responding to a survey regarding sexual abuse among therapists
had experienced molestation, the majority of incidents with a close relative.
It isn’t difficult to surmise that one reason therapists may avoid the topic of
sex may be that they have been victims of sexual abuse or exposed to other
types of negative sexual experiences, from mild harassment to outright
assault. Although therapists may be drawn to the field to help other victims
become survivors, they may be disappointed with how little attention their
graduate training gives to the sexual late effects of abuse.
The negative effects of such experiences may intensify what Saakvitne &
Pearlman (1996) called vicarious traumatization. Vicarious traumatization is
defined as “the therapist’s inner experience as a result of his or her empathic
engagement with and responsibility for a traumatized client.” Listening to
sexual material can be difficult for therapists if they have their own sexual
struggles. Like our clients, we may have trouble setting appropriate sexual
boundaries; struggle with questions about the morality of sexual practices
(anything from casual “hook-ups” to looking at—or even engaging in the
making of—hardcore pornography); be dealing with our own sexual inhibi-
tions; be worrying about a partner’s sexual function after cancer or other
illness; or simply have basic concerns about our own physical appearance
and sexual attractiveness. Discussing such matters may create such distress
for the therapist that they are simply avoided.
Another reason for many therapists’ silence about sex is the fear of becom-
ing isolated or being ostracized by colleagues. Not only do therapists fear
being judged by clients for expressing interest in their sex life, but also by
other therapists who find dealing with sexual problems too uncomfortable
or distasteful. For example, I recently lucked upon an opportunity to share
space in a pretty office with a psychoanalyst. My deposit was promptly
returned because, on reflection, the analyst decided that my sex therapy
practice was not a good fit for her office, presumably since she and her clients
8 I: the courage to treat sexual problems
might happen upon my (drooling?) clients in the waiting room. Working with
sexual problems can also feel unsafe in certain communities because of the
social and political climate. Where I live in Southern California, condoms
and lubricants are sold over the counter at the drugstore, but there are still
parts of the country where such items are difficult to procure. Designating
oneself as a sex therapist in such areas can mean opening one’s self up to
ridicule or harassment.
Therapists may also be quiet about sex due to strict training in laws and
ethics concerning sexual contact with clients, a topic covered in detail in
Chapter 19. Therapists are rightly warned that because there is an inherent
power differential in relationship with the client—who is dependent on us
for emotional support—the potential for doing serious emotional damage
by acting out sexual urges comes with enormous risk. Little is said, how-
ever, about reconciling the need to manage one’s sexual attraction or arousal
while discussing sex in a therapeutic manner with the client. In any case,
stern warnings about curbing one’s sexual feelings may send the message
that it’s best not to deal with sex in the treatment room.
A final reason for therapist reticence about sex concerns diversity. While
learning to tolerate cultural differences has been a priority in training pro-
grams, tolerance of a wide range of gender, orientation, and sexual behaviors
has not. In my area of California, for example, human sexuality credits for
marriage and family therapists have been cut to the minimum requirement in
several schools. If therapists are to properly address client sexuality, then they
must not only have appropriate training, but they also must become sexually
sensitive—a tall order for those raised in an American society that lags in
tolerance behind many developed countries, including neighboring Canada.
On the other hand, perhaps none of these concerns about being silent
about sex applies to you! You might be a therapist like my intern Liz Dube,
who, upon reading this chapter for a requested critique, quipped that the
only thing that held her back from talking to clients about sex was lack
of knowledge. Speaking for herself, she has had a long abiding passion to
help people have satisfying sex lives. If that describes you, then you’re in
luck, because this book will give you information that will help you fulfill a
desire to help clients with their sexual struggles.
Otherwise, consider that you are about to become at least one step ahead
of your clients as you learn more about sexuality. You won’t be a therapist
who “doesn’t ‘do’ sex.” You will be able to help clients overcome their deep-
est fears so that they can enjoy one of life’s pleasures without undue shame
or guilt. Increasing a client’s capacity to love and be loved often has a ripple
effect in the client’s life, giving them the optimism, confidence, and freedom
to tackle other developmental milestones such as finding a healthy relation-
ship or even making a much-feared job change. Our sexuality is such a core
part of who we are, and as therapists we are fortunate to be in a position to
help our clients achieve health in this critical area of human existence.
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DANCE ON STILTS AT THE GIRLS’ UNYAGO, NIUCHI
I see increasing reason to believe that the view formed some time
back as to the origin of the Makonde bush is the correct one. I have
no doubt that it is not a natural product, but the result of human
occupation. Those parts of the high country where man—as a very
slight amount of practice enables the eye to perceive at once—has not
yet penetrated with axe and hoe, are still occupied by a splendid
timber forest quite able to sustain a comparison with our mixed
forests in Germany. But wherever man has once built his hut or tilled
his field, this horrible bush springs up. Every phase of this process
may be seen in the course of a couple of hours’ walk along the main
road. From the bush to right or left, one hears the sound of the axe—
not from one spot only, but from several directions at once. A few
steps further on, we can see what is taking place. The brush has been
cut down and piled up in heaps to the height of a yard or more,
between which the trunks of the large trees stand up like the last
pillars of a magnificent ruined building. These, too, present a
melancholy spectacle: the destructive Makonde have ringed them—
cut a broad strip of bark all round to ensure their dying off—and also
piled up pyramids of brush round them. Father and son, mother and
son-in-law, are chopping away perseveringly in the background—too
busy, almost, to look round at the white stranger, who usually excites
so much interest. If you pass by the same place a week later, the piles
of brushwood have disappeared and a thick layer of ashes has taken
the place of the green forest. The large trees stretch their
smouldering trunks and branches in dumb accusation to heaven—if
they have not already fallen and been more or less reduced to ashes,
perhaps only showing as a white stripe on the dark ground.
This work of destruction is carried out by the Makonde alike on the
virgin forest and on the bush which has sprung up on sites already
cultivated and deserted. In the second case they are saved the trouble
of burning the large trees, these being entirely absent in the
secondary bush.
After burning this piece of forest ground and loosening it with the
hoe, the native sows his corn and plants his vegetables. All over the
country, he goes in for bed-culture, which requires, and, in fact,
receives, the most careful attention. Weeds are nowhere tolerated in
the south of German East Africa. The crops may fail on the plains,
where droughts are frequent, but never on the plateau with its
abundant rains and heavy dews. Its fortunate inhabitants even have
the satisfaction of seeing the proud Wayao and Wamakua working
for them as labourers, driven by hunger to serve where they were
accustomed to rule.
But the light, sandy soil is soon exhausted, and would yield no
harvest the second year if cultivated twice running. This fact has
been familiar to the native for ages; consequently he provides in
time, and, while his crop is growing, prepares the next plot with axe
and firebrand. Next year he plants this with his various crops and
lets the first piece lie fallow. For a short time it remains waste and
desolate; then nature steps in to repair the destruction wrought by
man; a thousand new growths spring out of the exhausted soil, and
even the old stumps put forth fresh shoots. Next year the new growth
is up to one’s knees, and in a few years more it is that terrible,
impenetrable bush, which maintains its position till the black
occupier of the land has made the round of all the available sites and
come back to his starting point.
The Makonde are, body and soul, so to speak, one with this bush.
According to my Yao informants, indeed, their name means nothing
else but “bush people.” Their own tradition says that they have been
settled up here for a very long time, but to my surprise they laid great
stress on an original immigration. Their old homes were in the
south-east, near Mikindani and the mouth of the Rovuma, whence
their peaceful forefathers were driven by the continual raids of the
Sakalavas from Madagascar and the warlike Shirazis[47] of the coast,
to take refuge on the almost inaccessible plateau. I have studied
African ethnology for twenty years, but the fact that changes of
population in this apparently quiet and peaceable corner of the earth
could have been occasioned by outside enterprises taking place on
the high seas, was completely new to me. It is, no doubt, however,
correct.
The charming tribal legend of the Makonde—besides informing us
of other interesting matters—explains why they have to live in the
thickest of the bush and a long way from the edge of the plateau,
instead of making their permanent homes beside the purling brooks
and springs of the low country.
“The place where the tribe originated is Mahuta, on the southern
side of the plateau towards the Rovuma, where of old time there was
nothing but thick bush. Out of this bush came a man who never
washed himself or shaved his head, and who ate and drank but little.
He went out and made a human figure from the wood of a tree
growing in the open country, which he took home to his abode in the
bush and there set it upright. In the night this image came to life and
was a woman. The man and woman went down together to the
Rovuma to wash themselves. Here the woman gave birth to a still-
born child. They left that place and passed over the high land into the
valley of the Mbemkuru, where the woman had another child, which
was also born dead. Then they returned to the high bush country of
Mahuta, where the third child was born, which lived and grew up. In
course of time, the couple had many more children, and called
themselves Wamatanda. These were the ancestral stock of the
Makonde, also called Wamakonde,[48] i.e., aborigines. Their
forefather, the man from the bush, gave his children the command to
bury their dead upright, in memory of the mother of their race who
was cut out of wood and awoke to life when standing upright. He also
warned them against settling in the valleys and near large streams,
for sickness and death dwelt there. They were to make it a rule to
have their huts at least an hour’s walk from the nearest watering-
place; then their children would thrive and escape illness.”
The explanation of the name Makonde given by my informants is
somewhat different from that contained in the above legend, which I
extract from a little book (small, but packed with information), by
Pater Adams, entitled Lindi und sein Hinterland. Otherwise, my
results agree exactly with the statements of the legend. Washing?
Hapana—there is no such thing. Why should they do so? As it is, the
supply of water scarcely suffices for cooking and drinking; other
people do not wash, so why should the Makonde distinguish himself
by such needless eccentricity? As for shaving the head, the short,
woolly crop scarcely needs it,[49] so the second ancestral precept is
likewise easy enough to follow. Beyond this, however, there is
nothing ridiculous in the ancestor’s advice. I have obtained from
various local artists a fairly large number of figures carved in wood,
ranging from fifteen to twenty-three inches in height, and
representing women belonging to the great group of the Mavia,
Makonde, and Matambwe tribes. The carving is remarkably well
done and renders the female type with great accuracy, especially the
keloid ornamentation, to be described later on. As to the object and
meaning of their works the sculptors either could or (more probably)
would tell me nothing, and I was forced to content myself with the
scanty information vouchsafed by one man, who said that the figures
were merely intended to represent the nembo—the artificial
deformations of pelele, ear-discs, and keloids. The legend recorded
by Pater Adams places these figures in a new light. They must surely
be more than mere dolls; and we may even venture to assume that
they are—though the majority of present-day Makonde are probably
unaware of the fact—representations of the tribal ancestress.
The references in the legend to the descent from Mahuta to the
Rovuma, and to a journey across the highlands into the Mbekuru
valley, undoubtedly indicate the previous history of the tribe, the
travels of the ancestral pair typifying the migrations of their
descendants. The descent to the neighbouring Rovuma valley, with
its extraordinary fertility and great abundance of game, is intelligible
at a glance—but the crossing of the Lukuledi depression, the ascent
to the Rondo Plateau and the descent to the Mbemkuru, also lie
within the bounds of probability, for all these districts have exactly
the same character as the extreme south. Now, however, comes a
point of especial interest for our bacteriological age. The primitive
Makonde did not enjoy their lives in the marshy river-valleys.
Disease raged among them, and many died. It was only after they
had returned to their original home near Mahuta, that the health
conditions of these people improved. We are very apt to think of the
African as a stupid person whose ignorance of nature is only equalled
by his fear of it, and who looks on all mishaps as caused by evil
spirits and malignant natural powers. It is much more correct to
assume in this case that the people very early learnt to distinguish
districts infested with malaria from those where it is absent.
This knowledge is crystallized in the
ancestral warning against settling in the
valleys and near the great waters, the
dwelling-places of disease and death. At the
same time, for security against the hostile
Mavia south of the Rovuma, it was enacted
that every settlement must be not less than a
certain distance from the southern edge of the
plateau. Such in fact is their mode of life at the
present day. It is not such a bad one, and
certainly they are both safer and more
comfortable than the Makua, the recent
intruders from the south, who have made USUAL METHOD OF
good their footing on the western edge of the CLOSING HUT-DOOR
plateau, extending over a fairly wide belt of
country. Neither Makua nor Makonde show in their dwellings
anything of the size and comeliness of the Yao houses in the plain,
especially at Masasi, Chingulungulu and Zuza’s. Jumbe Chauro, a
Makonde hamlet not far from Newala, on the road to Mahuta, is the
most important settlement of the tribe I have yet seen, and has fairly
spacious huts. But how slovenly is their construction compared with
the palatial residences of the elephant-hunters living in the plain.
The roofs are still more untidy than in the general run of huts during
the dry season, the walls show here and there the scanty beginnings
or the lamentable remains of the mud plastering, and the interior is a
veritable dog-kennel; dirt, dust and disorder everywhere. A few huts
only show any attempt at division into rooms, and this consists
merely of very roughly-made bamboo partitions. In one point alone
have I noticed any indication of progress—in the method of fastening
the door. Houses all over the south are secured in a simple but
ingenious manner. The door consists of a set of stout pieces of wood
or bamboo, tied with bark-string to two cross-pieces, and moving in
two grooves round one of the door-posts, so as to open inwards. If
the owner wishes to leave home, he takes two logs as thick as a man’s
upper arm and about a yard long. One of these is placed obliquely
against the middle of the door from the inside, so as to form an angle
of from 60° to 75° with the ground. He then places the second piece
horizontally across the first, pressing it downward with all his might.
It is kept in place by two strong posts planted in the ground a few
inches inside the door. This fastening is absolutely safe, but of course
cannot be applied to both doors at once, otherwise how could the
owner leave or enter his house? I have not yet succeeded in finding
out how the back door is fastened.