Publisher’s Note

All the case examples in this book come from people who gave their permission to
include their stories and quotes in this work. The identifying data of psychotherapy
clients has been thoroughly disguised, and in some cases combined to preserve maximum
confidentiality. Examples used were representative of many other client experiences as
well, and were chosen for their universality.
While books such as this can be tremendously helpful, there is no substitute for psycho-
therapy, support groups, or other forms of face-to-face help. This book is not intended
to be a substitute for psychotherapy, but an adjunct to it. Readers who feel the need are
encouraged to seek out a psychotherapist who can help them work through the issues
that may come up in reading this book.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2019 by Lindsay C. Gibson
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer
Edited by Gretel Hakanson
All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

 Contents

Introduction 1

W hat You’ve Been Up Against

Part I: 
Dealing with Emotional Immaturity
1 Your Emotionally Immature Parent 9
What It’s Like to Be Involved with Them and How They Got to
Be That Way

2 Understanding Emotionally Immature Parents 25

Their Personality Traits and Emotional Takeovers

3 Longing for a Relationship with Your EI Parent 45

Why You Keep Trying

4 How to Resist Emotional Takeovers 65

Recognize Others’ Distortions and Don’t Disconnect from
Yourself

5 Skills to Manage Interactions and Evade Coercions 83

Actions That Empower You

6 EI Parents Are Hostile Toward Your Inner World 101

How to Defend Your Right to Your Innermost Experiences

Part II: E
 motional Autonomy
Reclaiming the Freedom to Be Yourself
7 Nurturing Your Relationship with Yourself 121
How to Trust Your Inner World

8 The Art of Mental Clearing 139

Making Room for Your Own Mind
9 Updating Your Self-Concept 157
How to Correct Distortions and Enhance Self-Confidence

10  ow You Can Have the Relationship You’ve

N
Always Wanted 177
Just Focus on One Interaction at a Time

Epilogue: Bill of Rights for Adult Children of

Emotionally Immature Parents 197

Acknowledgments 203

References 205

vi
 Introduction

One day listening to a client talk about her dad, I realized that her father
wasn’t just inappropriate and abusive; he was pathologically immature. Her
father had the impetuosity and egocentrism of a very young child, with no
thought for his impact on her. At an emotional level, he was like a giant
toddler—at best, a fourteen-year-old. I thought of how many psychother-
apy clients I’d had whose childhoods were overshadowed by this kind of
parental unpredictability and emotional overreactivity. They grew up as
captives of emotionally immature parents—psychological infants armed
with rigid authority and a powerful adult body. That day I saw these
parents differently, stripped of all their false authority and revealed for the
bullies they were.
Other clients had emotionally immature (EI) parents who were better
behaved but were so aloof—even outright rejecting—that their children
grew up feeling emotionally lonely and connection-deprived. Although
these parents often looked competent and dependable on the outside, they
were so self-preoccupied and limited in empathy that they couldn’t engage
with their children. Still other clients’ parents were pleasant enough but
betrayed the child by absenting themselves whenever the child had a real
problem or needed protection.
Whatever their differences in individual behaviors, my clients’ emo-
tionally immature parents were the same under the skin: all lacked in
empathy, all were self-involved, and all could not sustain a satisfying emo-
tional connection with their children. Overall, many of my clients grew up
in a family atmosphere characterized by conflict, mockery, and a lack of
emotional intimacy.
Paradoxically, many EI parents can behave like real adults in other
ways, functioning well at work or in their social group. From the outside,
it was hard to believe they could cause such misery at home for their
children.
 As children, my clients were deeply confused by their parents’ contra-
dictory personalities. The only thing that made sense was to blame them-
selves. Those who felt mistreated or overlooked as children figured it was
their fault for not being lovable or interesting enough. These clients saw
their emotional needs as illegitimate, felt guilty for being angry at their
parents, and minimized or made excuses for their parents’ behavior. (“Sure,
they hit me, but so did a lot of parents in those days.”)

The Problem with Emotionally

Immature Parents
A childhood spent with EI parents can lead to long-lasting feelings of emo-
tional loneliness, as well as ambivalence about relationships in general.
Emotional loneliness is the result of feeling unseen and unresponded to,
no matter how hard you try to communicate and connect. In adulthood,
these children were often attracted to unsatisfying, disappointing partners
and friends who seemed very familiar in their self-involvement and refusal
to connect at a deeper emotional level.
When I teach clients about EI parents, many recognize their own his-
tories. It’s like a light bulb going on. It explains a parent whose love felt
self-centered and who rejected their child’s attempts at deeper emotional
connection. Once they understand their parents’ emotional immaturity,
pivotal moments in childhood make sense to them at last. Seeing their
parents’ limitations more objectively, they no longer have to be prisoners
of their parents’ immaturity.
It’s not just actual abuse that’s harmful. The whole parenting approach
of these parents is emotionally unhealthy, creating a climate of anxiety
and untrustworthiness between parent and child. They treat children in
such superficial, coercive, and judgmental ways that they undermine their
children’s ability to trust their own thoughts and feelings, thereby restrict-
ing the development of their children’s intuition, self-guidance, efficacy,
and autonomy.
As a child of an EI parent, you may have learned to shut yourself down
in order not to upset your parent’s emotional applecart. This is because
your spontaneity might easily offend a thin-skinned EI parent. The intense

2
 Introduction

reactivity of EI parents trains their children to be inhibited, passive, and

acquiescent instead of nurturing their individuality and trust in others. In
order to get along with these parents, it’s easier in the short run to tune out
who you really are and what you really want. But in the long run, you end
up burdened by obligation, guilt, shame, and feeling trapped in your family
role. The good news is that once you understand these parents and their
effects, your life will be your own again.

The Purpose of This Book

Understanding how parental emotional immaturity has affected you is
what this book is all about. Until you grasp your parent’s psychological
limitations, you may blame yourself wrongly or keep hoping for changes
they won’t make. This book will help you see what you’ve been up against
while understanding your parent in the deepest possible way.
You are going to learn to name and explain EI characteristics and
behaviors that have never been popularly defined. My aim in writing this
book is to give you a language for everything that goes on in EI relation-
ships, both what happens between you and them, and what happens inside
yourself as you try to cope with them. Once you can name it, you can deal
with it. The impact of emotionally immature persons (EIPs) doesn’t have
to rule your life. You can figure out their effect on you and neutralize it.
Throughout the book, you’ll also find writing exercises to strengthen
your self-awareness and gain insight into your experiences with EI parents
and other EIPs. I hope you find these interactive exercises both enlighten-
ing and fun.

The Timeliness of Understanding

Emotional Immaturity
This topic of emotional immaturity has never been more important. EI
behavior is widespread these days, and EIPs cause enormous suffering in
all walks of life. Because EIPs insist on dominating and being the center of
importance, they don’t leave room or resources for others to be fully them-
selves. Their me-first entitlement and self-justifications negate the rights of

3
other people, giving them free rein for abuse, harassment, prejudice,
exploitation, and corruption of all types.
Unfortunately, the lack of self-questioning in EI leaders can make
them seem strong and confident, enticing followers to support agendas not
in their best interests and almost solely for the benefit of the leader. Our
vulnerability to self-centered authority starts in childhood when EI parents
teach us that our thoughts are not as worthwhile as their thoughts and
that we should accept whatever our parent tells us. It’s easy to see how EI
parenting could turn out children who later fall prey to extremism, exploi-
tation, or even cults.
Learning about emotional immaturity will help you understand and
deal with all manner of EI behavior, regardless of its source. The EIP in
your life might be a parent, significant other, child, sibling, employer, cus-
tomer, or anyone else. The interpersonal dynamics will be the same,
whether inside the family or outside. All the methods that work with EI
parents will work with other EIPs as well.

Overview of Topics
The first half of this book, part I, will focus on what you’ve been up against,
describing what it’s like to grow up with EI parents—or to be in a relation-
ship with any EIP—and what you can do about it.
In chapter 1, we’ll explore what it’s like having a relationship with
your EI parent. You’ll learn about their hallmark emotionally immature rela-
tionship system (EIRS) and how they seek to make you responsible for their
self-esteem and emotional stability. You’ll also find out possible reasons
why they turned out as they did.
Chapter 2 describes EI personality characteristics in detail. You’ll also
learn to spot EI emotional coercions and emotional takeovers, and how EIPs
use self-doubt, fear, shame, and guilt in you in order to maintain their
central role in the relationship.
In chapter 3, we’ll explore what it’s been like for you to try to have an
emotionally satisfying relationship with your EI parent. We’ll look at dif-
ferent types of EI parents and why they pull back from closeness. You’ll
learn how to see your EI parents more objectively, mourn what you didn’t

4
 Introduction

get, and move toward a more compassionate and loyal relationship with
yourself, as well as others.
Chapter 4 shows you how to avoid emotional takeovers by EIPs by
questioning their reality distortions and emotional emergencies. You’ll
learn how to set appropriate boundaries, as well as when and how to
respond to their demands for help. You’ll see how their interpersonal pres-
sure can disconnect you from yourself, making you take responsibility for
their happiness in spite of knowing better.
In chapter 5, you’ll learn exactly what to say and do as the most effec-
tive responses to classic EI behaviors. You’ll learn how to sidestep their
pressure, lead the interaction, and stop them from taking over.
Chapter 6 shows the countless little ways that EI parents and other
EIPs undermine your self-confidence and trust in your intuitions. EI
parents and EIPs are hostile toward your inner life by mocking and invali-
dating your perceptions, thoughts, and feelings. In this chapter, you will
learn how to be immune to this shaming by staying loyal to your inner
experience.
In the second half, part II, of the book, we will shift from understand-
ing and dealing with EIPs to strengthening your individuality in spite of
them. As you focus more on your own growth, you’ll be reversing the
effects of growing up with EI parents.
In chapter 7, you’ll see why valuing your inner world is crucial to rees-
tablishing a solid relationship with yourself. With new loyalty to your inner
self, you’ll trust yourself and welcome your feelings as invaluable informa-
tion about what needs your attention.
Chapter 8 shows you how to renounce EI-indoctrinated thinking to
make room for your own mind. You’ll learn to undo the self-doubt caused
by critical EI parents who dismissed any viewpoints different from theirs.
As you clear your mind of mental clutter from old EI influences, you’ll
have fewer obsessive worries and less self-criticism.
In chapter 9, you’ll update and broaden your self-concept. It’s unlikely
that EI parents would’ve helped you develop an accurate, confident self-
image. Instead, they’re more likely to have taught you to be submissive,
leading you to see other people’s needs and feelings as more important
than your own. As you update your self-concept, you’ll start appreciating

5
the full spectrum of what you bring to the world. You’ll also learn how to
dismantle any distorted or outdated self-concepts you may hold.
In the last chapter, you’ll put together all you’ve learned. You’ll review
the secret terms of your implicit EIP relationship contract and see if you’re
ready to put your relationship on a more equal footing. Your ultimate
recovery goal is to build a loyal, committed relationship to your own inner
self and well-being. You’ll also learn how to transform your EI relationship
into the best it can be, without sacrificing your integrity or blaming them.
Finally, in the epilogue, you’ll be given a new bill of rights for all adult
children of emotionally immature parents. These rights express the book’s
main ideas and can be used as quick reminders of what you’ve learned.

My Wish for You

I hope you come away from reading this book feeling understood and
empowered to live your life from a new place of self-connection and self-
understanding. Your parents gave you life and love, but only of the sort
they knew. You can honor them for that but cease to give them unwar-
ranted power over your emotional well-being. Your mission now is for your
own growth: to become an individual who is fully engaged with both your-
self and other people. It would be my dream come true if you find this
book useful in that quest.

6
 Part I

What You’ve Been

Up Against
Dealing with
Emotional Immaturity

In the first part of this book, you’ll learn how it feels to be involved with
emotionally immature (EI) parents, how they got to be that way, their
personality characteristics, and why it’s hard to have a satisfying, close
relationship with them. You’ll learn tools and interactional strategies to
protect your healthy limits in spite of their emotional distortions and
attempts to dominate. You’ll understand why it’s so important to be loyal
to yourself around them and how to resist their urgent demands and emo-
tional coercions.
 Chapter 1

Your Emotionally
Immature Parent
What It’s Like to Be Involved
with Them and How They
Got to Be That Way

Emotionally immature (EI) parents are both frustrating and demoralizing.

It’s hard to love an emotionally blocked parent who expects honor and
special treatment but tries to control and dismiss you at the same time.
A relationship with an EI parent is characterized by not getting your
emotional needs met. They have little interest in experiencing emotional
intimacy in which two people come to know and understand each other at
a deep level. This mutual sharing of deepest feelings creates a satisfying,
deep bond that makes the participants precious to each other, but this is
not something EI parents feel comfortable doing.
Sometimes you glimpse a fleeting desire in them for real connection,
and this keeps you reaching out to them. Unfortunately, the more you
reach out, the further they recede, wary of real intimacy. It’s like being in
a dance with someone who is moving away from you in perfect synchrony
to your efforts to get close. Their demands for attention, coupled with
wariness about intimacy, create a push-me, pull-me relationship that leaves
you unsatisfied and emotionally lonely. You care about your parent, but
you can’t get close enough to have a real relationship.
Once you understand them, however, your experiences will make
perfect sense to you—and so will your emotional loneliness. By compre-
hending the EI psyche, you will be able to deal with your EI parents—or
any emotionally immature person (EIP)—in ways that free you from their
emotional coercions and create a more genuine relationship based on
knowing what you can and can’t expect from them.
In this chapter, we’ll explore what it’s like to be intimately involved
with such emotionally ungiving parents. You’ll learn about the emotionally
immature relationship system (EIRS) they use as a substitute for love, and
you’ll get to see how EI parents probably got to be the way they are.
As part of your discovery process, it’s a good idea to keep a journal
about what you learn as you go along. Throughout this book, you’ll find
exercises to help you process what you read about. As you record your self-
discoveries—hopefully in a new journal especially for this purpose—you’ll
be giving yourself vital emotional support and validation, two things that
EI parents have in short supply.
The writing process will help you finally put words on previously
elusive and undefined experiences. Be sure to take notes on the feelings,
memories, and insights that arise as you read. These entries can be about
your parents or any EIP you have known. As you record your experiences
and realizations, leave a couple of blank lines after each entry for later
insights. It will be invaluable to look back later and see where you began.
In that spirit, let’s look at how you came to be reading this book.

Exercise: Why You Picked Up This Book

Take a moment to think about what attracted you to this book. In your
journal—or just on some paper for now—write down what intrigued you
when you saw the title. What did you hope you would find out and about
whom? How has this person made you feel? How do you wish your rela-
tionship with this person were different? If this person is no longer living,
how do you wish your relationship could’ve been?

Now let’s examine what it is like to be in a relationship with an EI

parent or other EIP and how they make you feel. This can stir up old
issues, so—as in any self-discovery process—please be sure to seek out a
psychotherapist for extra help and support as needed.

10
 Your Emotionally Immature Parent

What It’s Like Being Involved

with Them
EI parents and other EIPs have a recognizable interpersonal style. The fol-
lowing ten experiences describe what to expect in a relationship with
them.

1. You Feel Emotionally Lonely

Around Them
Growing up with EI parents fosters emotional loneliness. Although your
parent may have been physically present, emotionally you may have felt
left on your own. Although you may feel a family bond to your EI parent,
that’s very different from an emotionally secure parent-child relationship.
EI parents like to tell their children what to do, but they are uncom-
fortable with emotional nurturing. EI parents may take good care of you
when you’re sick, but they don’t know what to do with hurt feelings or
broken hearts. As a result, they may seem artificial and awkward when
trying to soothe a distressed child.

2. Interactions Feel One-Sided

and Frustrating
EI parents’ self-absorption and limited empathy make interactions
with them feel one-sided. It’s as if they’re imprisoned in their own self-
involvement. When you try to share something important to you, they’re
likely to talk over you, change the subject, start talking about themselves,
or dismiss what you’re saying. Children of EI parents often know a great
deal more about their parents’ issues than the parents know about theirs.
Although EI parents require your attention when they’re upset, they
rarely offer listening or empathy when you’re distressed. Instead of sitting
with you and letting you get it all out, EI parents typically offer superficial
solutions, tell you not to worry, or even get irritated with you for being
upset. Their heart feels closed, like there’s no place you can go inside them
for compassion or comfort.

11
 3. You Feel Coerced and Trapped
EI parents insist you put them first and let them run the show. To this
end, they coerce you with shame, guilt, or fear until you do what they
want. They can flare into blame and anger if you don’t toe the line.
Many people use the word manipulation for these kinds of emotional
coercions, but I think that word is misleading. These behaviors are more
like survival instincts. They do whatever’s necessary to feel more in control
and protected in the moment, oblivious to what it might cost you.
You can also feel trapped by their superficial style of relating. Because
EI parents relate in a superficial, egocentric way, talking with them is often
boring. They stick to conversation topics they feel safe with, which quickly
become stagnant and repetitious.

4. They Come First, and You Are Secondary

EI parents are extremely self-referential, meaning that everything is
always about them. They expect you to accept second place when it comes
to their needs. They elevate their own interests to the point that yours feel
downgraded. They’re not looking for an equal relationship. They want
blind allegiance to their need to be considered first.
Without a parent willing to give your emotional needs a high priority,
it can leave you feeling insecure. Wondering if a parent will think of you
or have your back can make you vulnerable to stress, anxiety, and depres-
sion. These are reasonable reactions to a childhood environment in which
you couldn’t trust a parent to notice your needs or protect you from things
that overwhelmed you.

5. They Won’t Be Emotionally Intimate or

Vulnerable with You
Although they’re highly reactive emotionally, EI parents actually avoid
their deeper feelings (McCullough et al. 2003). They fear being emotion-
ally exposed and often hide behind a defensive exterior. They even avoid
tenderness toward their children because this might make them too

12
 Your Emotionally Immature Parent

vulnerable. They also worry that showing love might undermine their
power as parents because power is all they think they’ve got.
Even though EI parents hide their vulnerable feelings, they can show
plenty of intense emotion when they fight with their partner, complain
about their problems, blow off steam, or fly into a fury with their kids.
When upset, they don’t look like they are at all afraid of what they feel.
However, these one-sided eruptions of emotion are merely releases of emo-
tional pressures. That’s not the same thing as a willingness to be open to
real emotional connection.
For this reason, comforting them is hard to do. They want you to feel
how upset they are, but they resist the intimacy of real comforting. If you
try to make them feel better, they may stiff-arm you away. This poor recep-
tive capacity (McCullough 1997) prevents them from taking in any comfort
and connection you try to offer.

6. They Communicate Through Emotional

Contagion
Instead of talking about their feelings, EI people express themselves
nonverbally through emotional contagion (Hatfield, Rapson, and Le 2009),
coming across your boundaries and getting you as upset as they are. In
family systems theory, this absence of healthy boundaries is called emo-
tional fusion (Bowen 1985), while in structural family therapy it is called
enmeshment (Minuchin 1974). This is the process by which EI family
members get absorbed into each other’s emotions and psychological
issues.
Like small children, EI parents want you to intuit what they feel
without their saying anything. They feel hurt and angry when you don’t
guess their needs, expecting you to know what they want. If you protest
that they didn’t tell you what they wanted, their reaction is, “If you really
loved me, you would’ve known.” They expect you to stay constantly
attuned to them. It’s legitimate for a baby or small child to expect such
attention from their parent, but not for a parent to expect that from their
child.

13
 7. They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries
or Individuality
EI parents don’t really understand the point of boundaries. They think
boundaries imply rejection, meaning you don’t care enough about them to
give them free access to your life. This is why they act incredulous,
offended, or hurt if you ask them to respect your privacy. They feel loved
only when you let them interrupt you any time. EI parents seek dominant
and privileged roles in which they don’t have to respect others’
boundaries.
EI parents also don’t respect your individuality because they don’t see
the need for it. Family and roles are sacrosanct to them, and they don’t
understand why you should want space or an individual identity apart
from them. They don’t understand why you can’t just be like them, think
like them, and have the same beliefs and values. You are their child and,
therefore, belong to them. Even when you’re grown, they expect you to
remain their compliant child or—if you insist on your own life—at least
always follow their advice.

8. You Do the Emotional Work in

the Relationship
Emotional work (Fraad 2008) is the effort you make to emotionally
adapt to other people’s needs. Emotional work can be easy—such as being
polite and pleasant—or deeply complicated, such as trying hard to say the
right thing to your distraught teenager. Emotional work is comprised of
empathy, common sense, awareness of motives, and anticipating how
someone is likely to respond to your actions.
When things go wrong in a relationship, the need for emotional work
skyrockets. Apologizing, seeking reconciliation, and making amends are
among the strenuous emotional labors that sustain healthy long-term rela-
tionships. But because EI parents lack interest in relationship repairs,
reconnection efforts may fall to you.
Instead of amends or apologies, EI parents often make things worse by
projecting blame, accusing others, and disowning responsibility for their

14
 Your Emotionally Immature Parent

behavior. In a situation where it would seem easier just to go ahead and

apologize, EI parents can be adamant that it was something you did—or
failed to do—that warranted their hurtful behavior. If only you had known
better and done what they asked, this problem never would’ve occurred.

9. You Lose Your Emotional Autonomy

and Mental Freedom
Because EI parents see you as an extension of themselves, they disre-
gard your inner world of thoughts and feelings. Instead, they claim the sole
right to judge your feelings as either sensible or unwarranted. They don’t
respect your emotional autonomy, your freedom and right to have your own
feelings.
Because your thoughts should reflect theirs, they react with shock and
disapproval if you have ideas that offend them. You are not free to consider
certain things even in the privacy of your own mind. (“Don’t even think
about it!”) Your thoughts and feelings are filtered through their comfort
level as either good or bad.

10. They Can Be Killjoys and Even Sadistic

EI parents can be awful killjoys, both to their children and to other
people. They rarely resonate with others’ feelings, so they don’t take plea-
sure in other people’s happiness. Instead of enjoying their child’s accom-
plishments, EI parents can react in ways that take the shine off the child’s
pride. They also are famous for deflating their children’s dreams by remind-
ing them about depressing realities of adult life.
For instance, as a teenager, Martin proudly told his father that he had
made fifty dollars on his first music gig. His father’s immediate reaction
was to point out that nobody can support a family on that kind of wage.
Lacking empathy, his father completely missed the emotional point.
Sadism goes beyond being a killjoy and takes actual pleasure in inflict-
ing pain, humiliation, or forced restraint on a living being. Sadism is also
a way of claiming the role as the most powerful and important person in
the relationship. Sadistic EI parents enjoy making their child suffer,

15
whether by physical or psychological means. Physical abuse is obviously
sadistic, but hidden sadism is often expressed in “teasing” and “joking
around.”
For instance, when Emily introduced her fiancé to her family, her
physically abusive father “joked” that the young man should throw her out
if she ever got too mouthy. Her mother and sisters chimed in to “tease”
Emily, and they laughed at Emily’s excruciating embarrassment.
Sadistic parents like it when their child feels powerless. They secretly
enjoy making their children feel desperate by giving them extreme physi-
cal punishments, refusing to interact with them for long periods of time,
handing down unfathomably long restrictions, or making them feel
trapped. For instance, when Bruce was a little boy, his father would squeeze
him tightly on his lap and refuse to let him down. If Bruce started to
squirm or cry, his father would send him to his room and beat him with a
belt. Later his father would apologize but explain that Bruce brought it on
himself by being so “bad.”

In the next section, we’ll look at how EI parents affect other people’s
emotions and self-worth. Their relational style has an immediate subcon-
scious impact on your emotions and self-esteem. How they react to you
can make you feel bad or good about yourself, depending on whether they
want to control you or get you on their side.

The Emotionally Immature

Relationship System (EIRS)
Emotionally immature people don’t regulate their self-esteem and emo-
tional stability well on their own. They need others to keep them on an
even keel by treating them just so. To accomplish this, they act in ways
that make other people feel responsible for keeping them happy. They do
this through complex, extremely subtle cues that influence others to feel
certain ways. I call this the emotionally immature relationship system (EIRS).
This EIRS draws you into being more attentive to the EI parent’s emo-
tional state than to your own self. Under the influence of this relationship
system, you attune to the EI parent’s emotional needs instead of listening

16
Find the freedom to finally
live your life your way
Learn more
SELF-HELP

It’s time to make you a priority!

If you grew up with an emotionally immature parent,

you may still struggle with anger, sadness, self-doubt, or shame.

Emotionally Immature Parents

Self-Care for Adult Children of
As a child, it’s likely many of your emotional needs weren’t met,
your feelings were dismissed, and you took on adult levels of
self-restraint to deal with your parent’s behavior. Somewhere

Self-Care
along the way, you lost your sense of self. And without this
strong sense of self, you may now feel like your own well-being
isn’t valuable. for
Adult Children
In this compassionate guide, you’ll find powerful tips and
tools to honor your emotions, set boundaries with others, and
thrive in the face of life’s challenges. You’ll also learn how to
protect yourself from unfair treatment, stop making excuses
for hurtful people, forge healthier relationships, and manage
daily stressors with competence and clarity. Self-care means
respecting and valuing your authentic self and your right to
o f Emotionally
emotional self-protection. If you’re ready to nurture a deeper
sense of your own worth and live with confidence, this book
will guide you toward a new way of being.
Immature
LINDSAY C. GIBSON, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist in private Parents
GIBSON
practice who specializes in individual psychotherapy with adult
children of emotionally immature (EI) parents. She is author of
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Honor Your Emotions, Nurture
Your Self & Live with Confidence
newharbingerpublications
w w w. n e w h a r b i n g e r . c o m

LINDSAY C. GIBSON, P s y D
 Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the
subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in
rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or
counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

NEW HARBINGER PUBLICATIONS is a registered trademark of

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Copyright © 2021 by Lindsay Gibson

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Sara Christian; Interior design by Michele Waters-Kermes;

Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer; Edited by Jennifer Holder

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Gibson, Lindsay C., author.
Title: Self-care for adult children of emotionally immature parents : honor your
emotions, nurture your self, and live with confidence / Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD.
Description: Oakland : New Harbinger Publications, 2021.
Identifiers: LCCN 2021013406 | ISBN 9781684039821 (trade paperback)
Subjects: LCSH: Self-confidence in adolescence. | Self-help techniques for teenagers.
| Adult children of dysfunctional families--Mental health. | Emotional maturity. |
Dysfunctional families--Psychological aspects.
Classification: LCC BF575.S39 G523 2021 | DDC 158.1--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021013406

Printed in the United States of America

23  22  21

10  9  8  7  6  5  4  3  2  1 First Printing

 Contents

Introduction: Life Skills You Were Never Taught1

Part I: Protecting and Caring for Yourself

Be True to Yourself9
1 Build a Better Relationship with Yourself10
2 You Have the Right to Be Here13
3 A Case of Mistaken Identity15
4 Be Proud of Yourself17
5 Listening to Your Soul20

Practice Emotional Self-Protection23

6 Loosening the Ties That Bind24
7 The Purpose of Boundaries 27
8 Why You’re Emotionally Fatigued29
9 Healing from Emotional Injuries32
10 Debug Your Mind35

Honor Your Inner World39

11 Pick Your Right Inner Voice40
12 What Emotions Are For42
13 Why You Feel Dread 44
14 Don’t Be Undermined into Depression46

Nurture Your Emotional Health49

15 Self-Care Instead of Self-Indulgence 50
16 The Importance of Emotional Safety53
17 Use Your Health-O-Meter56
18 Writing Therapy 59
19 Learning from Nature 61

v
 Part II: Dealing with People
Relationship Issues67
20 The Relationship Economy68
21 The Gumby Effect71
22 The Café of Love74
23 Mr. and Ms. Right Now77
24 Should I Stay, or Should I Go?80
25 Be a Relationship Leader82
26 Why Emotional Maturity Matters85

Difficult People87
27 Dominating Types88
28 Tyrannical Talkers91
29 The Cold Shoulder94
30 Such a Nice Person97
31 The Empty Mirror99
32 Relationship Wolves102
33 Struggling with Forgiveness105
34 Don’t Blame My Parents107
35 Meeting Your Maker110

How It Feels to Be Treated Well113

36 What Mr. Rogers Loved in You114
37 The Dalai Lama Wants You to Be Happy116
38 Kindness Lessons from a Dentist119
39 Finding a Spiritual Teacher122
40 Pets Who Love Us125

Emotionally Mature Parenting129

41 The Truth about Children130
42 Best-Kept Secret in Parenting132
43 Focus Your Praise134
44 How to Comfort an Extrovert137
45 How to Comfort an Introvert140
46 Ungrateful Children142
47 Here Come the Zoomers144
48 Accept Your Teen’s Immaturity147
49 Why Einstein Didn’t Play Soccer149
50 Evolution in Our Children152
51 Graduation for Parents155

vi
 Part III: Coping with Challenges
Meet Life on Its Own Terms161
52 It’s a Wild World162
53 The Realm of the Required165
54 Cultivate Your Mule Mind168
55 When to Back Off172
56 Appreciate Your Threshold Guardians175
57 Football Lessons177
58 Life’s Tuition179

Lower Your Stress181

59 The Stressaholic182
60 Ninety Seconds to Feel Better185
61 Try the Judgment Diet188
62 Overcoming Social Anxiety190
63 Master Your Machine Mind193
64 Stopping Self-Criticism196
65 Seeking Perfection199
66 Find Your Pace201

Take the Right Approach for You205

67 How to Approach Problems206
68 Focus on the Outcome You Want209
69 Challenge Your Negativity Bias211
70 Live Your Own Story214
71 Life Coaching from Technology217
72 Crossing the Fear Boundary220
73 Don’t Call Yourself Lazy222
74 Make Room for Space224
75 The Art of Living227
76 The Rest of Your Life230

Afterword233
Acknowledgments235

vii
 Introduction: Life Skills You
Were Never Taught

T his is a book to keep you company on your journey to self-discovery. Pick

it up as a reminder to self-engage whenever you feel pressured to ignore
your own well-being. If you had emotionally immature (EI) parents, you were
probably expected to put them first. Nurturing and being true to yourself are
not things that EI parents usually teach their children. Your parents’ vulnera-
bilities and distortions, which I describe in my previous books, meant they
couldn’t show you how to sense and feel your way to a solution that is just right
for you and the circumstances. So I compiled these short pieces of insight to
help you remember what you need to feel whole, confident, and to have your
best possible life.
This collection is designed to put you on a quest for self-awareness and
fulfillment, to encourage certain attitudes and practices to make life easier and
more enjoyable. I wrote these pieces to give you encouragement whenever you
need it. The insights will tap that deep vein of authenticity that courses through
you so you can be more yourself than ever before. I want you to feel you are back
in touch with yourself, honoring your emotions, as you recall truths about your-
self that may have been misplaced. There’s no denying the thrill that comes
when reading something that brings back a truth that had been lost from
awareness. May you experience a spark of recognition as you read each piece, a
click that says, “That’s me” or “Yes, I knew that” even though you’re reading it
for the very first time.
 These pieces on self-care, relationships, and how to approach problems will
be the reminders you need to nurture your emerging self, to honor your inner
world, and to protect yourself emotionally. In other words, they will encourage
you to be true to yourself first.
In previous books, I have explained the phenomenon of emotional imma-
turity instructively, teaching and guiding in a linear fashion. But please read
this collection of short pieces, meant to spark insight, with a looser approach.
Read them as you are inspired to, for brief, hopefully enjoyable observations
and reflections that aim to give you confidence in managing your greatest chal-
lenges. We’ll also try out new ideas and different approaches to help move you
into harmony with your authentic self. This inner self is where you find peace,
happiness, and deep self-confidence. It makes you feel good about yourself, and
you’ll realize that life and its challenges have meaning and messages for your
growth. These insight-pieces are grouped into sections on taking care of your-
self, fostering relationship health, and confidently coping with life’s challenges.
These three areas are the gateways to a happier, more fulfilling life.
In the first section, we’ll look at how self-care is built on self-awareness. As
you become more skillfully self-aware and active on your own behalf, knowing
what you really want, you will feel more competent and life will feel more man-
ageable. You will be able to trust your inner world and protect yourself
emotionally.
Next, we’ll tackle the world of relationships and its challenges. We’ll
explore finding love and appreciating differences. We’ll look at how to deal
with difficult people, too. Interactions always go better when you know yourself
and respond to others in such a way that you don’t lose yourself. You don’t have
to give free passes for hurtful behavior or make excuses for other people’s limi-
tations. Instead, you can be realistic about them, admitting their effect on you,
and stop making yourself responsible for their self-esteem and happiness. You
alone get to decide how much time and attention you have to spare for difficult
people.
Fortunately, there are also kind and helpful people in life as well who make
you believe in yourself and feel emotionally safe. As you experience their

2
positivity and unconditional acceptance, it nourishes your inner strength.
These delightful people show you that good relationships are supposed to be
about mutual enjoyment and encouragement instead of one person’s enhance-
ment at the cost of someone else’s sacrifice. These special beings will point you
toward love, trust, and honoring your feelings.
In the section about parenting, we’ll look at which attitudes and approaches
work best with children. Many people with EI parents fear they might become
EI parents themselves and don’t want to do to their children what was done to
them. But if you are a self-reflective person who understands a handful of essen-
tial things about children and relating to people in general, you needn’t worry.
Once you understand your own past and how you were treated, you won’t pass
that on to anyone else, much less your own children. And once you grasp the
bigger picture about what children are here to teach us, you will learn from
them in ways that you never imagined.
When you grow up with EI parents, having a difference of opinion or
setting a limit is labeled as selfish and uncaring. You are taught that nothing
short of sacrificing yourself will ever prove loyalty and love, and that to think
about yourself is the same thing as abandoning others. You may also be taught
that ordinary life challenges are unjustified, unfair, and likely to overwhelm
you. You are taught by example to be afraid of anything you cannot absolutely
control. But there’s another approach to life that we will explore, one in which
you can take care of yourself and handle situations with acceptance and skill
instead of panic.
In the last section of this book, you’ll learn more productive approaches to
life and how to cope with challenges. You’ll see how life is showing you all the
time how to accept its terms and deal well with it, if only you are willing to
listen. You’ll see how life keeps asking you to be active on your own behalf.
With this approach to problems, you can see setbacks as calls to creativity and
disappointments as prompts to consider anew what you truly want.
When you see life in such positive terms—not as senselessly inscrutable,
but as meaningful and supportive to your growth—you begin to understand
that stress can be treated as a warning signal that you are getting off track. You

3
can heed stress’s message by slowing down, tuning in, and trusting your ability
to sense your way through a problem and work gently with your fears so you
create effective solutions.
You are creating your life all the time. Will your life be a war against reality,
a struggle against the facts like it is for many EI people? Or will you try to make
things easier, to be more straightforward, to start from the ending you want,
and work your way back to the beginning you’re about to create? Will you be
friendly with your mistakes and forbearing in those times when you can’t see
anything to be proud of in yourself? Those are the moments when life is asking
you to be an artist, a really good one, who transcends mistakes and leaves
spaces enough for creativity to breathe through the openings. You’ll live your
life more confidently and skillfully as soon as you start seeing it as your creation
instead of something that is being done to you.
This book will activate new insights and build skills to make your life fuller
and you more friendly toward yourself. Its goal is to attune you with your own
authenticity and the wisdom of life. These insights will activate a search in you
at a deeper level for the real you, a self-reflective process that will make change
easier than you imagined.
If you’ve gotten out of synch with yourself, don’t despair. If you’ve gotten
tangled up in inherited issues from your parents, tiptoeing around their vulner-
abilities by making yourself tentative and small, you can change that. If you’ve
learned to judge yourself, you can quit it. None of these things has anything to
do with the true nature of you. You were not made to be confused, guilty, or
judged. The only sensible question in life is what you’re going to do with what
you’ve got.
The true nature of all life (including yours) is that it wants to go in the
direction of expansion, thriving, and more life. But you may have learned to
hold yourself back out of love, loyalty, and fear related to your childhood attach-
ments. Others may have set conditions on what is necessary for you to be
worthy, when actually you were worthy all along. Once you are more self-aware
and back in touch with yourself, guilt and distortions just won’t stick anymore.
They will slide right off you because they no longer make sense once you are

4
aligned with yourself, your life, and the right kind of people. You’ll realize life is
not out to hold you back and you are not selfish for being self-protective. You
are not uncaring because you got tired, and nobody has the right to tell you
what you should think and feel. These are mistaken beliefs that violate your
basic rights and that you can drop as soon as you’re ready.
The insights in this book will prepare you for that day when pleasing others
is just a nice thing to do, freely embarked upon, and not a begging for the good-
ness that was yours anyway from the beginning. Here’s to your new life, where
you take good care of yourself like a proud, devoted, mature parent. Here’s to
your confidence that it is safe to be who you are. May you find relationships
with kindred souls and look upon life as a challenging game that yields to your
right approach. If these pieces of insight turn out to be your worthy companions
in this process, no one will be happier than me.

5
 Be True to Yourself

I f you grew up putting others first too much, you may end up living a life of
reaction rather than one of fulfillment. Instead, you can learn to become
your own champion and protector, valuing and supporting who you are on the
inside. The self-awareness you gain will center and ground you in your true self.
Finding your authentic self is an enlivening process that keeps on giving once
you resolve never to misplace it again.
 Build a Better Relationship
1
with Yourself

Be as available to yourself as you would be with someone you love.

Your relationship with yourself is the most vital relationship you have, essential
for real connection with other people. Knowing yourself and appreciating what
you find there make you become a fuller human being better capable of under-
standing and loving others. Unfortunately, you may neglect this inner relation-
ship if you grew up in a family that discounted your inner world.
In childhood, when people invalidate or dismiss your inner experiences,
your inner world seems unworthy of being taken seriously. If others won’t listen
to your deepest feelings, you start tuning out what goes on inside you. You learn
to turn away from the rich inner world that could sustain you regardless of
outer circumstances.
People who have disconnected from themselves discount their feelings by
saying things like “I know this is stupid, but…” or “This is such a small thing;
I’m embarrassed to admit it.” Their attitude toward their inner experience is
full of shame. Not trusting their inner guidance, they are sheepish about their
real feelings. But your inner experience is who you are. It’s your job to notice
and understand what goes on inside you. To be emotionally healthy, you need
to be as available to yourself as you would be with someone you love.
When you disregard your own feelings and thoughts, your inner world feels
empty and you start obsessing over other people and external circumstances.
You then try to get other people to fill the vacuum left behind by your own
emotional self-neglect. This further disconnects you from your inner world,
reinforcing the false belief that security and stimulation can only come from
outside yourself. Relationships become frustrating under these conditions
because you’re looking to other people for a validation that is already yours.

10
 No amount of social activity will fill the emptiness where there should be
a robust relationship with yourself. When you judgmentally reject your true
thoughts and feelings, you create a life of anxious dependency in which no
power is greater than someone’s opinion of you.
Take your inner experiences seriously. Process them fully. Give yourself
adequate contemplative time. Put your thoughts down in a daily journal. Write
down your dreams. Learn to become familiar with your inner world through
meditation. By so doing, you show dedication to yourself as worthy of being
listened to and honored.
It’s the only way to build a strong inner self of your own. Watch and you
will see how your inner world uses inspiration and intuition to nudge you
toward happiness and well-being. Only by making a conscious, deliberate deci-
sion to honor your inner counsel can you get centered and self-directing. Once
you start attending to your inner feedback, you know how things are really
affecting you.
Your authentic self will always let you know when you have gotten too far
away from who you really are. Start paying attention and listening to this inner
guidance. It tracks your inner state, updating you through your emotions,
energy levels, and unexpected thoughts. It constantly monitors whether you are
happy or not. It shows what’s best for you by raising or lowering your energy as
you consider choices. As your thoughts and plans line up more with the needs
of your true self, you will feel light, energized, and uplifted. When your interest
surges and you feel focused and intent, you are probably onto something that is
right for you. Start paying attention and listening to this inner guidance.
Conversely, if your energy sinks as you consider something, it’s probably a
poor match. A significant energy drop means there’s little about the situation
that feeds the real you. It would seem almost unnecessary to mention this, but
it’s astounding how often we feel our energy drop and yet proceed anyway
because we tell ourselves it’s the right thing to do. As most of us know, this
usually turns out badly in the long run.
You have the ability to flourish and nurture yourself as a human being. You
can’t be good to others if you don’t value yourself first. If you feel guilty and put

11
yourself last, you may secretly expect others to take care of you because you
aren’t doing it for yourself. But don’t give in to the pernicious idea that others
should be more attentive to your needs than you are.
If you need more proof about the value of a good relationship with yourself,
think about all the accomplished people who got that way by paying deep
attention to their inner world. We grant that right to famous actors, Nobel
scientists, great musicians, and world-renowned artists. Nobody ever questions
if such people should be paying so much attention to their thoughts and inspi-
rations or if it’s okay for them to safeguard their time and energy from other
people’s demands. We should do no less for ourselves.

12
 2 You Have the Right to Be Here

Injuries to self-esteem come from feeling that your uniqueness was

rejected.

When someone mentions having low self-esteem, I think of that old cartoon
with the man in the doctor’s office complaining of a headache as he sits there
with an arrow stuck through his head. The joke is that the headache is the least
of his worries, and that is the same story with low self-esteem. People with poor
self-esteem have a deeper problem than they think. Their deeper problem is
that, somewhere along the way, someone has made them feel uncertain about
whether they deserve to be here at all.
There are countless people walking around, holding jobs, and raising chil-
dren who continue to question whether or not they are entitled to be here in
the first place. They never quite have that rock-solid feeling that they belong
and are valued. They may think their roles and jobs are worthwhile, but they
are not so sure about the inner essence of themselves.
Yet all children come into this world with unquestioning self-acceptance of
their needs, which is the root source of all self-esteem. A person with secure
self-esteem knows the reality of his or her inner needs and knows that those
needs are worthy of fulfillment. Doubting the legitimacy of these needs under-
mines the very foundation of one’s self-worth.
People with low self-esteem come into my office wondering, What’s the
matter with me? But I think instead, “What happened to you?” I think this
because I know these people did not enter the world feeling flawed or doubting
their right to be here—that is, not until they encountered the bow and arrow
of another person’s rejection or criticism.
Ask yourself just who it was in your life that enjoyed archery so much. EI
parents often carry quivers filled with debasing comments to shoot at you. Low

13
self-esteem is exactly like going through life with a head full of their arrows. You
cannot think without running into those internalized, sharp, piercing
arrowheads.
Injuries to self-esteem come from feeling that your uniqueness was rejected.
People with low self-esteem carry this story in their body language; they are
constantly trying to make themselves appear absent.
Yet the longing for life and belonging is so strong that even arrow-shy
people may one day question their low opinion of themselves. They wake up to
their existential right to be here and to express what they need, finally over-
coming their low self-esteem.
It is up to each and every one of us to sit ourselves down and accept that
because we are here, we are supposed to be here. Once you have settled that
question for yourself—and figured out who the archers were in your life—it is
no longer just about improving self-esteem. It expands into the joys of self-
expression and the right to self-protection. Self-esteem means you have decided
you have the right to be here—and on top of that, to enjoy it too.

14
 3 A Case of Mistaken Identity

Nobody finds it easy to be someone else.

I always notice it when a person in therapy says, “That’s just not me” or, another
favorite, “I’m not the kind of person who…” When people talk about them-
selves this way, I can hear the tinny echo of a distorted self-concept. Their
denial just does not ring true.
Instead it sounds like a hand-me-down belief that the person took on
about herself or himself, like something picked up at the flea-market of other
people’s opinions. What such individuals are rejecting is a trait or behavior that
doesn’t fit their overly narrow concept of themselves. Maybe that tinny off-note
I heard was the sound of anxiety about stepping outside of their family’s concept
of them, imposed by EI parents.
A rigid or easily threatened parent will make it very clear that certain
traits and behaviors are bad and deserve rejection or punishment. At the same
time, such a parent may show warmth or approval if the child acts in ways that
the parent can relate to.
When a child’s nature is compatible with the parent’s personality, there is
harmony inside the child because the child fits nicely into the parents’ expecta-
tions. The child feels secure being similar to Mom or Dad. Such identification
allows for both connection and growth. But when children have to be some-
thing they are not in order to please the adults, especially EI parents, anxiety,
shame, or depression soon follow. They start to feel like an imposter or feel they
never do things well enough. That is because, at some level, the parent has
given them the message they ought to be different than what they really are.
These children must strain to fit in.
Naturally cooperative, malleable children—which fits the description of
internalizer children of EI parents—will try hard to convince themselves that

15
they must be wrong because the parent must be right. These children form an
identity based on what they think they should be. Traits that don’t fit are
disowned.
Maybe this could work if it were not for the tremendous energy it takes to
not be who you really are. The more you must please a parent, the less energy
you have for mature self-development and finding your own path. Burying your
true nature for the sake of family acceptance is both physically and emotionally
exhausting.
Your ambitions, attractions, interests, and dreams tell you who you really
are. They pull you toward the things that give you the best return on your
efforts. Following them increases energy, optimism, and hopefulness because
they are inherently empowering. They may cause anxiety if EI parents disap-
prove, but just remember that anxiety is often the by-product of growth. We all
feel a little odd or scared when we try a new behavior.
So if you catch yourself saying, “I’m not that kind of person,” ask yourself,
“How do I know that?” Is it true deep in your soul, or is it because you were
made to feel uncomfortable about those interests? Part of the fun of doing psy-
chotherapy is watching people start to ask themselves these questions, as they
open up to being different from how their families saw them. There is nothing
like the joy that comes up when you discover that your inhibitions and self-
limiting beliefs were just a case of mistaken identity.

16
 4 Be Proud of Yourself

Pride is the natural sensation of delight in growth.

Nothing grows without delight. Green-thumbed gardeners know this, and so do

parents who cherish their children. Showing delight in someone’s growth gives
the person fuel to keep trying. Good bosses do it, the best spouses do it, and we
should do it too. Enthusiasm for our own progress is the most powerful motiva-
tor we have.
Praise from others can be as big as a whoop of joy or it can be as subtle as
a softening of the eyes. But whatever form it takes, the person being praised
feels proud he or she did it right. In childhood, praise guides the way, like a light
along the path. There is no mystery to it; you just follow the smiles. Later on,
you learn to give yourself that good feeling by feeling proud of yourself. Pride is
the natural sensation of delight in growth.
But all too often, healthy pride gets confused with narcissism. If you are
proud of yourself, you might fear you will be disliked or taken down a notch. As
a result, some people superstitiously deny pleasure in their accomplishments in
order to ward off a comeuppance. Pride has even been labeled a sin, and acting
conceited is a social no-no.
Another practice that has given healthy pride a bad name is excessive
praise for the smallest childhood success, from earning tokens in the classroom
to the trophy glut at Little League. Many adults are turned off by this over-
praise, sensing that the children are being done no favor. In fact, research has
shown that many children overpraised for success end up becoming more cau-
tious and less motivated than the kids who were praised only for their amount
of effort, successful or not.

17
 However, if you as an adult are trying to make positive changes in your life,
then you must notice and take time to feel good about even your smallest suc-
cesses. To do so is just as important as figuring out what you wanted to change
in the first place. You encourage yourself to grow, taking pleasure in your prog-
ress. The pleasure you feel tells the brain to keep strengthening these new
tracks of changed behavior.
Unfortunately, instead of noticing and celebrating your positive changes,
you might tell yourself not to get a swelled head. Even worse, you may tell your-
self that because you feel so good, something bad might happen, just to even
things out. The brain then puts the brakes on that new outlook or behavior
because your mind senses anxiety, not pleasure.
Instead of dashing past your best moments, just when things are changing
for the better, you ought to be asking yourself how you did it. If you don’t analyze
and take pride in what you did right, you will not know how to get there again,
nor will you have the enthusiasm to keep trying. Analyzing how you got to a
better place makes it more than a happy accident; you become conscious of a
skill that you can hone further.
Deliberately pausing to feel delight encourages more growth. But many
people find it hard to feel proud of themselves for very long. They squirm and
resist, minimizing the fact that their changes had a huge impact for the better.
Many times, people do not think it’s possible to really change, and they ignore
the evidence of it as soon as they do it. Embarrassed to praise themselves, they
undo their delight and accomplishment, insisting they are the same old
people—which is exactly the way to guarantee they will stay the same old
people.
If you want to keep having good feelings and a better life, notice what you
did right and make a point to feel good about each accomplishment. You are
not being prideful or vain; you are learning to feel proud of yourself for well-
earned success. That warm glow in your chest and broadened sense of possibil-
ity are the natural, organic results of getting it right. If you make a point to
pause and enjoy the moment, you can fan that spark into a sustaining fire of

18
motivation. If you snuff it out too quickly, you extinguish not just the good
feeling of the moment but your energy for the future. Take every chance you
can to feel good about feeling good. Learn to enjoy the sensation of pride. It is
what successful people have always done to keep their motivation strong. You
won’t be an egoist; you will be an enthusiast—a self-enthusiast. Then you can
pass it along to others.

19
It’s time to make
you a priority!
Learn more
 RELATIONSHIPS

Includes

Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People

It’s time to
tips, strategies,
As an adult child of an emotionally immature exercises, and
disentangle parent (ACEIP), you have fought hard to establish your reflections
own sense of self, and heal the invisible wounds caused
from by your upbringing. But what about the other emotionally
emotionally immature people (EIPs) in your life? EIPs are often

Disentangling
frustrating, insensitive, and nonreciprocal in relationships.
immature They don’t respect you as an individual—which can be
isolating, hurtful, and lonely. But once you understand their
people emotional traps, you can manage your own expectations and
stand your ground—without succumbing to their maneuvers.
from
Emotionally
In this must-have guide, psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson offers essential and practical
solutions to help you emotionally disentangle from EIPs—once and for all. You’ll
discover profound insights and explorations into the most common challenges ACEIPs
face, and find gentle guidance to help you build self-confidence, set boundaries, and

Immature People
establish healthy and reciprocal relationships. As an ACEIP, you have spent a lifetime
compensating for others’ behavior and neglecting your own needs. If you’re tired of
being emotionally hijacked by EIPs, this handbook can help you find lasting freedom.

“An indispensable book for anyone struggling in close

relationships with emotionally immature people.”
—Yael Schonbrun, PhD, cohost of the Psychologists Off the Clock podcast

LINDSAY C. GIBSON, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist in

private practice who specializes in individual psychotherapy and
coaching with adult children of emotionally immature parents.
She is author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
Avoid Emotional Traps, Stand Up for Your Self, and
GIBSON Transform Your Relationships as an Adult Child
Cover design and illustration by Sara Christian

newharbingerpublications
of Emotionally Immature Parents
w w w. n e w h a r b i n g e r . c o m

LINDSAY C. GIBSON, P sy D
 Publisher’s Note
All stories in this book have permission to be used and are heavily disguised to preserve anonymity.
In many cases, details have been combined to create composite accounts. Names and identifiable
details have all been changed, so any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.
This work in no way should be construed as a form of psychotherapy. Its purpose is educational only
and it’s designed for the entertainment purposes of increasing self-knowledge and the understanding
of people. The ideas in this work are based on psychological insights and clinical observation and
represent the theories of the author from a career as a psychotherapist. Readers are responsible for
seeking professional therapeutic help as needed, and the author and publisher make no representation
of this work as a substitute for psychotherapy or clinical consultation.
NEW HARBINGER PUBLICATIONS is a registered
trademark of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
New Harbinger Publications is an employee-owned company.
Copyright © 2023 by Lindsay C. Gibson
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
All Rights Reserved
Cover design by Sara Christian; Interior design by Michele Waters-Kermes;
Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer; Edited by James Lainsbury

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Gibson, Lindsay C., author.
Title: Disentangling from emotionally immature people : avoid emotional traps, stand up for your self, and transform
your relationships as an adult child of emotionally immature parents / Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD.
Description: Oakland, CA : New Harbinger Publications, [2023] | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2023002852 | ISBN 9781648481512 (trade paperback)
Subjects: LCSH: Self-confidence in adolescence. | Self-help techniques for teenagers. | Adult children of dysfunc-
tional families--Mental health. | Emotional maturity. | Dysfunctional families--Psychological aspects. | BISAC:
SELF-HELP / Personal Growth / General | PSYCHOLOGY / Interpersonal Relations
Classification: LCC BF575.S39 G524 2023 | DDC 158.1--dc23/eng/20230317
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2023002852
 Contents

Introduction1

Part I: Why EIPs Are the Way They Are

1 How would I know if someone was emotionally immature?6
Hallmark traits of emotional immaturity
2 How can my grown-up parents be immature?10
Understanding emotional immaturity
3 Are both my parents immature?13
Different types of EI parents
4 Why do they act like that?17
Spotting immature coping styles and defenses
5 They are so contradictory; it baffles me.21
Why EIPs are inconsistent and extreme
6 Why is it always about them?25
How EIPs see the world
7 Nothing I do is ever enough.29
Why nothing makes EIPs happy for long
8 Why is it so hard to get close or share anything real with them?33
Why EIPs shut down emotional intimacy
9 Why do they make it so hard to want to be around them?36
Why EI behavior makes you need to get away
10 Is there hope for a better relationship?40
Can EIPs ever change?

Part II: How EIPs Have Affected You

11 My siblings had the same parents. Why are we so different?46
Sibling differences and two types of ACEIPs
12 It’s like I don’t exist around them. Why won’t they listen or take my feelings into account?51
Claim your boundaries, subjectivity, and individuality
13 I had to be the responsible one, the little grown-up, my parent’s confidant.54
Growing up too fast—the high cost of your precocity
14 I’m successful and have built a good life, but sometimes I feel like a fake. 59
Completing your unfinished self-concept
15 Why can’t they give me a little positive feedback?63
Why EIPs don’t recognize your efforts
16 I easily feel guilty, selfish, afraid, and full of self-doubt.66
Seeing through emotional coercion
17 They always seem morally superior and “righteous.”70
Narcissistic EIPs and false moral obligation
18 My parent’s religion made me feel afraid and unworthy.74
Finding your own religion and spirituality
19 I was taught to believe things about myself that just aren’t true.78
When self-criticism reflects old brainwashing
20 I get overly emotionally involved in the EIP’s needs and problems.82
Stop emotional takeovers and overidentification
21 I can’t think straight around them. I get confused and inarticulate.86
Clearing up brain scramble
22 I can’t stand up to them. They always win.90
Spotting the Four Horsemen of self-defeat
23 I am so angry at them; I can’t stop thinking about what they’ve done.94
Lingering anger, resentment, and rage
24 I’ve had some disappointing relationships. How do I do it right next time?98
Looking for emotional maturity in a partner
25 How do I make sure I’m not an EI parent?102
Knowing yourself prepares you for emotionally mature parenting

Part III: Stepping Back

26 I can’t help feeling guilty when they’re upset with me.108
Disengaging from the guilt of being yourself
27 I know they’re acting crazy, but I don’t know how to respond when they’re being absurd.112
How to spot and detach from EIP’s projections and distortions
28 I just want them to love me and understand my feelings.116
Pick achievable goals instead
vi Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People

29 Every time I set a boundary, I feel like a mean, heartless person.120

When you feel guilty for protecting yourself
30 They say I don’t love them enough or in the right way. Am I capable of love?124
Step back and assess what love is
31 No matter what I do, they still seem hurt and betrayed.127
Why your efforts to make EIPs feel better don’t work
32 I got free, but I miss our closeness.130
When you feel sad about undoing the entanglement

Part IV: Saving Yourself

33 I traded authenticity for approval.136
When being admired feels more important than being real
34 I want to be myself, but I fear rejection. 140
Handling the anxiety of abandonment
35 Who am I really? How do I know for sure what’s best for me?144
How to recognize your true self and restore your authenticity
36 I try so hard to do things perfectly that I exhaust myself.148
When your self-esteem is based on doing the impossible
37 I wish I weren’t such a people pleaser.152
When you trade being yourself for being liked
38 It kills me to ask someone for help.156
Why you apologize and feel like a bother

Part V: Solving Problems

39 I’m always nervous about angering or disappointing my adult child.162
When your adult child seems emotionally immature
40 I still feel intimidated and apologetic around EIPs.167
Question the basic premises that all EIPs bring to their interactions
41 I’m so concerned about their reactions, it’s hard to say my truth.171
Remain empowered when EIPs don’t like what you have to say
42 How can I get through to them?176
Communication skills and their limits
43 I’m trying to be more assertive, but I keep going along with them.180
Discovering the protector parts of your personality
 Contents vii

44 Even when I try my new strategies, I still end up feeling drained by them.184
Why you feel defeated even when you are successful with EIPs
45 I keep dwelling on how certain EIPs have wronged me.188
Anger, ambivalence, and putting obsessive thinking to rest
46 Do I have to forgive them?193
Finding options when forgiveness seems impossible
47 It’s sad to think I’ll never have a close relationship with them.198
Coming to grips with the grief of ambiguous loss
48 I’ve cut off contact with them, but I still think about them a lot.202
Why estrangement doesn’t resolve everything
49 I’m noticing EI behaviors in myself.206
How to deal with your inner EI tendencies
50 They don’t take center stage in my mind anymore.210
When the spell is broken and you’re more interested in other things
Epilogue215
Acknowledgments217

Appendices
Appendix A220
Personality Characteristics of Emotionally Immature Parents and People
Appendix B222
Comparison of Emotional Immaturity and Maturity
Appendix C224
The EIP Unspoken Relationship Contract
Appendix D225
Bill of Rights for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
References228
Index234
 How would I know if someone
1 was emotionally immature?

Hallmark traits of emotional immaturity

Emotional immaturity encompasses a wide range of personality styles. People can be very dif-
ferent yet still show the traits of emotional immaturity. This syndrome is not a type of mental
illness, and ordinary, “normal” people may show its signs. People with psychiatric diagnoses
often have underlying immaturity, but not all EIPs qualify for a psychiatric diagnosis. A per-
son’s EI traits become especially noticeable when stress increases or relationships become
more intimate.
Emotional immaturity is easier to recognize if you focus on the basics (see appendix A for
a summary of EI features). Although emotional immaturity exists on a continuum of severity,
the following five characteristics are foundational in all EIPs, independent of their personality
type or level of functioning:
Egocentrism is the basis of the EIP’s orientation toward life. Like young children, they
primarily view the world through their own self-preoccupations and swiftly entangle you in
their expectations.
With such a self-centered approach, EIPs have limited empathy for others. They don’t put
themselves in other people’s shoes nor imagine their inner experience. While they may be
intelligent and socially skilled, they don’t feel for other people so much as sense advantage and
opposition. This is why an EIP can be an admired or powerful figure in society, yet still have
trouble relating to other people in an adequately mature way.
Although EIPs may be plenty smart, they avoid self-reflection. Self-justifying and often
self-righteous, they rarely question themselves. They focus on their immediate emotions and
desires, seemingly oblivious to how they’re impacting others or even their own future. Instead
of reflecting on their behavior, they get defensive and double down on their own position if
someone gets upset with them.
When it comes to getting close to other people, EIPs pull back from emotional intimacy.
They have a hard time accepting heartfelt emotion from others and certainly have trouble
giving it. They may seem highly emotional when they blow up or lose emotional control, but
 How would I know if someone was emotionally immature? 7

that’s not the same as emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy occurs between two people
who share and process emotional information with each other, getting to know one another
at a deep level. This process need not even be in words; it can be the sense one feels that the
other person “gets” you and can connect with you in a deeply authentic way. In contrast, EIPs
are more likely to become defensive, evasive, or belligerent when others (including their chil-
dren) try to relate to them with emotional openness and honesty. (You can imagine the nega-
tive effect this kind of response has on a young child seeking connection.)
In their approach to the world, EIPs use affective realism, defining reality as what they feel
it to be (Barrett and Bar 2009). Their psychological coping mechanisms are immature (G.
Vaillant 2000) and simplistic, especially as they deny, dismiss, or distort any reality they don’t
like. Their lack of rational objectivity means that it’s nearly impossible to reason with them
once their emotions take hold.
Now let’s look at some additional characteristics. Some EIPs are extroverted and domi-
nant, while others are more introverted, passive, and dependent. But whatever their style,
EIPs tend to be rigid, superficial, rather shallow personalities. They often express themselves
in platitudes or clichéd sound bites that are lacking in real thought. They are not well inte-
grated psychologically, meaning that conflicting aspects of their personality coexist with no
awareness of contradiction. They can say one thing and do another with no embarrassment
because they don’t notice the mismatch. They focus on the immediate “part” of a situation,
not its whole meaning.
Emotionally, they live in the present moment, blurting the first thing that comes to mind
and reacting with no regard for the long-term effects of their impulsivity. Their high reactivity
also means they are easily overwhelmed, making any problem feel like an emergency to them.
EIPs think in simplistic, literal, black-and-white terms. Logic tends to be used mostly as
an opportunistic weapon, not as an essential determinant of their thinking. They typically
oversimplify complex topics in ways that make it hard to reason with them.
Actively dominant EIPs overrun other people’s ideas and boundaries. Many are very
status and role conscious, expecting others to keep to their assigned roles. Even a more passive
and acquiescent EIP won’t show much empathy or interest in your life. Your subjective experi-
ence just doesn’t register with them. They expect you to mirror their moods: if they’re happy
or upset, you should be too.
EIPs jump to conclusions and easily take offense, making it extremely hard—if not impos-
sible—to talk out problems and disagreements. In conversation, they don’t listen well because,
like children, they are always vying for center stage. When communicating, they are set on
8 Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People

“broadcast” rather than “receive.” They have little curiosity for your viewpoint and feel
affronted and unloved if you don’t do what they want.
More dominant EIPs have low stress tolerance, tend to be impatient, and pressure others
to give them what they want. They expect their relationships to revolve around their reactive
emotions, and they relate primarily through pronouncements, controls, and demands.
Impatience plus egocentrism means that they take things personally and blame everything on
other people. EIPs also can be irrationally stubborn, with hair-trigger defensiveness toward
anything that threatens their beliefs or self-esteem. They are prone to meltdowns, making
people around them feel rushed, criticized, and fearful of upsetting them further. The more
passive EIPs may not be as flamboyant emotionally, but underneath their relatively calm
demeanor lurks an implacable egocentrism concerning their agendas and motivations.
In close relationships, EIPs expect others to stabilize them emotionally and prop up their
self-esteem. The burden of maintaining peace in the relationship usually falls to the other
person because EIPs don’t do the emotional work (Fraad 2008) necessary to keep relation-
ships on an even keel. Insensitive to others’ feelings, they think that love means giving blanket
approval and letting them do whatever they want. Like a young child, an EIP gains power by
distressing others until they capitulate. After funneling your attention into an EIP, you’ll
probably come away feeling depleted and drained of energy.
Even the quieter EIPs are instinctively emotionally coercive, controlling you with guilt,
fear, shame, or self-doubt. Unless you give in, they will peg you as bad or untrustworthy, and
if you do something they don’t like, they will confide in other people against you rather than
dealing with you directly.
Whether EIPs demand your attention and self-sacrifice or quietly expect you to prop
them up, they have a hard time accepting love. When you act lovingly toward them, they act
as if they can’t stand to let it in. With such poor receptive capacity (L. M. Vaillant 1997), they
are like a distressed child who won’t let their parent soothe them. The closer you try to get to
them, the more they pull back. This is because emotional intimacy threatens to overwhelm
and disorganize them. Their fear of emotional intimacy often comes out in irritability, provo-
cations, or conflicts that forestall closeness or vulnerability.
Because EIPs project blame onto other people, you might unwittingly accept their confus-
ing distortions and take responsibility for things that weren’t your fault. Therefore, it is criti-
cally important to maintain healthy detachment and think objectively about their behavior.
Let’s look at some strategies and reflections that can help you identify the EIPs in your
life.
 How would I know if someone was emotionally immature? 9

Strategy
Did you recognize any of those EI characteristics in the difficult people in your own life? If you
like, you can go back and circle the characteristics that fit. Some EI features are less apparent
in more introverted or passive EIPs, so in trying to determine if someone fits the EI mold, you
might try focusing more on their underlying motivations and view of the world than on overt
behaviors.
Your next step is to consider if someone’s emotional immaturity has affected your self-
image and life choices. Emotional immaturity has an interactional impact, becoming most
obvious in relationships where your self-worth is at stake. As we’ll see later, the way EIPs
protect themselves comes at a cost to others.

Reflection and Discovery

Think of a person who you think might be emotionally immature. How do you feel about
considering this person emotionally immature? For instance, do you feel disloyal or unfair, or
find it to be a relief? Write down your feelings about this so you have a baseline for later.

How have this person’s EI traits affected your confidence and sense of lovability? Which EI
characteristics have been the hardest for you to deal with?

Tip: Because EIPs seem so sure of themselves, their rigid attitudes can suggest strength,
passion, or moral righteousness. Their insistence on being right can intimidate you into allow-
ing them to dominate you. In many interactions, you may reflexively doubt yourself when they
get threatened and defensive. Understanding these dynamics allows you to not fall under
their spell. Your knowledge of them is your power. Awareness of emotional immaturity keeps
you informed and self-possessed when you have to deal with any difficult person who tries to
take you over.
 Why is it always about them?
6
How EIPs see the world

Lara was in a constant state of emotional overload. Although she handled her
responsibilities as a mother with care and sensitivity, she always felt one jump ahead of
panic. Her two active little boys were always getting scraped up or worse, and their normal
childhood illnesses terrified her. Lara handled everything well; her coping was impeccable,
but on the inside she felt like an abandoned seven-year-old responsible for younger children
in a home with no adults. She figured things out but never felt confident about her
decisions.
It was no wonder Lara was chronically anxious despite her excellent problem solving.
Lara’s mother had been an intensely reactive, angry woman who was preoccupied with her
own childhood traumas. She was chronically belligerent because everything reminded her of
a betrayal from childhood. Lara’s mother often accused her of trying to drive her crazy, just
like her mother’s sister used to. If her mother got worried about finances, she threw the
whole household into turmoil by cursing her husband for being lazy like her father.
Everything was a rerun of her mother’s childhood issues, as if her whole family were
conspiring to re-create her miserable childhood.
When Lara went to her mother with a problem, her mother accused her of trying to
make her life harder. If Lara talked about relationship worries, her mother topped it with
stories of her own. Clearly, Lara’s mother saw herself as the most important person in the
family. As Lara put it, “Why was it always all about her?”

Growing up with little empathy or comfort from her mother, it’s no wonder Lara felt over-
whelmed when problems hit. Feeling she had to do everything right, Lara scrutinized her
reactions in a way that intensified her anxiety. Now as a mother herself, she felt all alone with
her worries, overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all. Her aloneness reflected her experience
growing up with a self-preoccupied mother who couldn’t see that her daughter needed help
too.
Lara’s mother, like all EIPs, viewed the world egocentrically through her emotions. Similar
to young children, EIPs aren’t psychologically mature enough to conceptualize someone else’s
26 Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People

experience or empathize with them. EIPs are stranded on that young developmental plateau
where they’re only attentive to their own experiences.
Lara’s mother was an extremely toxic example of this; other more benign EI parents might
direct attention back to themselves in a more pleasant manner (“That reminds me of when…”),
but the egocentrism is the same. We become interested in others because someone has been
interested in us. When loved ones show curiosity about our subjective experience, we learn to
extend that same curiosity to others. We learn that it’s important to show interest in others,
and we learn how to hold a conversation.
EIPs may not have been so lucky. Perhaps they grew up with a minimum of adult atten-
tiveness to their inner experiences. They may have come from a family in which a child’s
feelings and needs took a back seat to survival or economic issues. Or they may have grown
up in a culture that condemned individuality unless one was an authority figure. Such chil-
dren never learned to be social in ways that recognize other people. Instead, the prize of
reaching adulthood for these EIPs might have felt like the right to expect others to put them
in the spotlight. For such a child, growing up meant finally being able to make everything
about them.
Some self-centered EIPs may have had the opposite problem. Maybe they were given a
privileged role in their family; they were treated as very special to the point that their parent
didn’t rein in their natural childhood grandiosity enough to socialize them. Such permissive-
ness may sound like unconditional love, but this harmful leniency binds the child tightly to
the parent and deprives them of learning to consider other people. Self-involved parents who
don’t teach their children how to think of others are projecting their own sense of narcissistic
privilege onto that child. The child’s identity becomes inflated as they enmesh with the
parents’ sense of entitlement to an unhealthy degree. These future EIPs grow up assuming
that all attention should continue to be on them. Other people’s feelings and needs just don’t
register. Their gratification is all that matters.
Can you think of a time when an EIP derailed your attempt to tell them something by
taking over and acting like it was all about them? Let’s consider how best to respond to such
situations.

Strategy
If you don’t have a reasonably healthy acceptance of your own basic rights, you may fall into
making it all about the EIP. The first step to changing this dynamic is to claim your following
basic rights (see the “Bill of Rights” in appendix D):
 Why is it always about them? 27

• I have the right to be considered just as important as you.

• I have the right to speak up and tell you what I really prefer.
• I have the right to stay away from anyone who is unpleasant or draining.

If you incorporate these rights into your thinking, it will be much easier to either steer
self-absorbed conversations toward something you would rather discuss, or to politely bring
the interaction to a close. When you become even more comfortable with yourself, you might
break in and tell the EIP that now that you’ve heard their stories, you’d love to share one with
them or see if there are other things you might have in common. Be ready with some conver-
sation starters that will redirect them from their favorite takeover topics.

Reflection and Discovery

Recall a time you sought sympathy and understanding for a problem, and an EIP turned the
topic back to themself. Describe how you felt and reacted.


28 Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People

Describe how it might feel to ask an EIP to hold on and let you finish because there’s more
you want to tell them. By being proactive, perhaps you could avoid getting angry or
exasperated.

Tip: EIPs expect you to accept that they are the most important person in the interaction.
You are assigned a supporting role, to help them live out their agendas. It’s up to you to
address this inequity and lack of reciprocity by claiming your right to attention as well. Passive
listening only adds to your exhaustion, never to mutually beneficial communication.
Remember, your interests and needs are just as important as theirs.
 My siblings had the same parents.
11 Why are we so different?

Sibling differences and two types of ACEIPs

Sibling differences are a source of wonder. How can two people with the same parents, growing
up in the same home, turn out so differently? Many ACEIPs whom I work with are responsi-
ble, self-reflective types—people who seek out therapy and coaching to improve their lives.
But many of these people have siblings whose lives are characterized by trouble getting along
with people, substance abuse, mental health issues, or enmeshment with parents.
Though ACEIPs fall on a continuum of behavior, there seem to be two distinct types.
Let’s look at distinct examples of each.

Internalizers

• Tend to be self-aware, self-reflective, perceptive, and sensitive

• Like to reflect on things and love learning
• Try to figure out how to respond advantageously instead of being reactive
• Seem more mature and insightful and tend to be competent and reliable
• Thoroughly process their experiences (Aron 1996)
• Feel a responsibility toward other people
• Are likely to have been “parentified” children (Minuchin et al. 1967; Boszormenyi-
Nagy 1984), meaning their EI parents leaned on their capabilities, and relied on them
as confidants or helpers

Internalizer ACEIPs tend to like self-help books since they are psychologically curious
and enjoy learning about human behavior. They’re the ones most likely to seek help for dealing
with EIPs because they instinctively cope by gaining insight. Unless otherwise specified, when
talking about ACEIPs in this book I’ll be referring to internalizers.
 My siblings had the same parents. Why are we so different? 47

Externalizers

• Tend to be excitable and react impulsively, even if they seem quiet or introverted
• Have a low tolerance for stress and take action—even if ill-considered—to blow off
tension
• Get themselves in trouble by not thinking about future consequences; they live for
the present moment and aren’t strategic in how they think about their lives
• Are not self-reflective and externalize blame for their troubles onto other people
• Are angry that so many frustrating and distressing things happen to them but rarely
think to question their own behavior as part of the problem
• Can gravitate toward substance abuse or highly dependent or conflictual
relationships
• Are likely to be emotionally immature and fall within the EI category

Since there is a continuum linking internalizing and externalizing extremes, many people
can show some characteristics of both, or can move toward the opposite end of the continuum
under special conditions. For instance, all of us, internalizer or not, tend to become more
externalizing and dependent when we’re sick, fatigued, or highly stressed. Our tolerance for
frustration goes down at these times, and even internalizers may become critical or have a
short fuse.
Conversely, externalizers might become more internalizing after they hit rock bottom and
their old ways start costing them too much. At this point, they may become more open to
guidance and help, especially if they’re given support and regular access to helpers upon
whom they can depend. Externalizers who examine their lives with self-reflection and
accountability can begin to change. Highly structured 12-step programs are designed to
support this maturation and self-accountability process. Also, court- or job-ordered counsel-
ing might provide incentives for nurturing better self-control and more mature ways of coping.
Overall, the biggest difference between these two approaches to life is that internalizers
self-reflect and think about other people’s feelings, whereas externalizers are more prone to
take tension-reducing action and see others as causing their problems.
Do you have a sense of where you fall on the continuum between internalizer and exter-
nalizer? Consider which characteristics remind you more of yourself.
48 Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People

How do we account for these different types of ACEIP? We don’t know whether these
differences are physically innate, or if they’re responses to environmental factors, like quality
of parenting or birth order. But we can consider some possible causes underlying the two types
to better understand them.
It could be that internalizers were born more neurologically perceptive and sensitive than
their externalizer siblings; the parts of their brain they use more or their innate neurobiology
could explain how they tune in to other people’s feelings with minimal cues. Internalizers also
seem more intellectually curious; they like to think and learn, so anticipating consequences
comes more easily to them. They’re also insight oriented, intrigued by complexity, and looking
for underlying reasons for behavior.
Externalizers also may have physiological reasons why they react more strongly and jump
into situations with both feet before looking. Their impulsivity and high levels of life drama
could be due to inherent difficulties in being able to soothe themselves. It might be that as
children they were so physiologically reactive to stress that the optimal development of their
thinking function was overwhelmed.
For instance, neuroscientist Stephen Porges (2011) has done research on the differences
in neurological and emotional reactivity due to the tone and functioning of a person’s ventral
vagal nerve. This branch of the parasympathetic nervous system is thought to govern our
ability to self-soothe and to recover from fear and emotional distress by seeking comfort from
others. Porges thinks that people with high emotional reactivity—like borderline personality
disorder, for instance—may start out life with limited neurological ability to rebalance them-
selves after a threat or an upset. It’s as if their bodies are primed to go into an alarm state and
stay there, and then they require help to calm down and renormalize.
Whatever the causes, compared to a more self-sufficient internalizer child, a highly reac-
tive child may bring out different behavior in a parent. Difficulties with calming down may
lead parents to use immediate gratifications to soothe these children, teaching them that they
can’t restabilize unless they get special treatment. They thereby miss opportunities to learn
how to calm themselves in the absence of immediate gratification.
Parents who overidentify and emotionally fuse with a child also may foster externalizer
behavior by treating the child as a proxy for the special attention and gratifications they feel
they never got. Such a child might become the parental favorite, causing jealousy among
siblings. But this child’s position is not enviable, for they stay entangled with a parent who
rewards the child for remaining overly dependent. Such a parent is living, in effect, through
the child and not allowing them to develop their own individuality.
 My siblings had the same parents. Why are we so different? 49

In contrast, the internalizer child is less likely to elicit enmeshment from a parent
because—perhaps due to their heightened perceptiveness and self-awareness—they tend to
maintain their own individuality and autonomy even when the parent might like them to be
more dependent.
These differences between internalizer and externalizer siblings can lead to hard feelings
on both sides. The internalizer feels they are on their own; the externalizer feels like others
can never do enough for them. The internalizer might feel burdened with adultlike responsi-
bilities and high expectations, while their externalizer sibling seemingly gets away with every-
thing. Meanwhile the externalizer might resent the responsible internalizer for being a straight
arrow who has more success and is always doing the right thing.
Families also form subconscious scripts for their members (Steiner 1974; Byng-Hall 1985);
these can be established early in a child’s life and contribute to sibling differences as well.
Overall, there is probably an interface between a child’s physical and psychological vulnera-
bilities and strengths and what the family needs to feel stable as a unit. Different scripts can
result in very different people.
Determining whether you’re more of an internalizer or externalizer can help you have
more fulfilling relationships, because once you understand your patterns better you can start
to change them.

Strategy
Use the questions below to clarify the type of ACEIP with which you identify more. If you’re
more of an internalizer, it will take conscious effort not to let your empathy take you into self-
sacrificing behavior with EIPs. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for fixing other
people’s mistakes, nor do you have to be so sensitive to others that you lose your own
boundaries.
If you’re an externalizer, developing your self-reflection ability will empower you to make
changes that could lead to happier relationships and more control over your life. Practice
being more sensitive to how other people feel, and seek out opportunities to learn self-­soothing
and stress-management techniques.
50 Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People

Reflection and Discovery

Do you identify more with the internalizer or externalizer characteristics? Which character-
istics most reflect who you are?

If you have siblings, how would you describe them in terms of internalizer and externalizer
traits?


Tip: If you’re an internalizer, be careful not to get sucked into drama triangles (Karpman
1968), in which you play the role of rescuer while seeing others as either victims or villains.
Think twice about jumping in to “save” someone before considering the cost to yourself. This
is especially important for internalizers who have slipped over the line into codependency
(Beatty 1986), in which you take responsibility for the impossible task of transforming other
people’s lives. Watch any tendencies to overcare or overperform for people who aren’t contrib-
uting their fair share to your relationship.
It’s time to disentangle
from emotionally
immature people

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