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What do these parents do that's effective? Need Help?

• Dad joins Mom by sharing that he’s tried things that she’s suggested.

• Dad defines himself as the father while giving Mom recognition.

• Dad tries to re-direct the communication between Jenna and Mom.

• Dad joins in a constructive move toward Mom by asking her if she’s discussed the issue of what she can afford with
Jenna.

• Both parents sacrifice their position a little.

• Mom becomes reflective during the call. She moves from blaming Dad to talking about her own actions and
experience.

• Mom takes ownership of how she’s feeling and moves from “you” statements to “I” statements.

• Mom steps outside of her “I’m right, you’re wrong” role.

Analysis:
This conversation starts off a bit edgy, as you would expect with parents in such opposing roles, especially divorced
parents. Mom is sarcastic, and Dad defends his role as the father along with his ability to make his own set of rules.
However, he does eventually join Mom by saying that he’s been trying to focus on what Jenna needs from him. He also
reveals that he has tried things that have been suggested by Mom in the past regarding structure and rules. Dad tries
to get Mom to focus on what she needs to see from Jenna and to talk about that directly with her daughter. Mom and
Dad are striking a balance: “I’m willing to hear you, if you’re willing to hear me.” In a reasonable way, Dad points out
that it may be effective for Mom to tackle how she’s feeling openly with Jenna. Mom shifts her focus away from
blaming Dad and brings it to herself, which results in Mom becoming more reflective of her part in the situation. Mom
finally joins Dad at the end by admitting that she is normally looking for a fight from Jenna when she comes home from
a weekend at Dad’s, and that’s what she gets.

I think it’s important to notice that even though these two parents clearly don’t like each other, they find ways to join
together. No, it’s not a perfect peace treaty. Mom is still edgy, and Dad is still a bit dismissive of her. But they have
managed to step out of their positions and think about their interest: their daughter. The way they join is tentative and
the connection points are small. But that’s how progress is made when people disagree significantly. Progress is made
one small contact point at a time. Not overnight.
 Mom is able to find a calm time to be open with Jenna about how it makes her feel not to be able to afford certain things. She
maintains her rules and limits but also shows regard for what Jenna wants, and reveals that she is open to becoming more
flexible.

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