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 Contents
Parenting 2 Video Lesson 1
your
teenager IDENTITY
Marty Mosley: Publisher
Randy Petersen: Writer
Jackie Mosley: Editor
J.D. Busch: Art Director 7 Follow-Up Lesson 2
The BlueFish TV Network THE TOOLBOX
Presents PARENTING YOUR
TEENAGER
Copyright © 2005
by BlueFish TV Network 12 Video Lesson 3
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No part TURMOIL
of this book may be reproduced
in any manner whatsoever
without written permission
from the publisher, except
where noted on handouts and
18 Video Lesson 4
in the case of brief quotations
embodied in critical articles
REBELLION
and review. For information,
write: Permissions, Blue Fish TV
Network, PO Box 869100, Plano,
Texas 75086-9100. BlueFishTV 23 Video Lesson 5
is a division of Priority One
Publishing. LEGACY
All Scripture quotations, unless
indicatied, are taken from the Holy
Bible, New International Version.
Copyright © 1973,1978,1984 28 Follow-Up Lesson 6
International Bible Society.
Used by permission of DISCIPLING YOUR TEENAGER
Zondervan Bible Publishers. All
rights reserved. Verses marked
(TLB) are taken from THE
LIVING BIBLE © 1971. Used
by permission of Tyndale House FEATURING
Publishers, Inc. Wheaton, IL
DRS. LES AND LESLIE PARROTT are co-directors of the Center for Relationship
60189. All rights reserved.
Published by the BlueFish TV Development at Seattle Pacific University (SPU), a ground-breaking program
Network dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships. Les is a professor of clinical
Printed in the U.S.A.
psychology at SPU and Leslie is a marriage and family therapist at SPU.

The Parrotts are the authors of many books, including the award-winning Saving
Your Marriage Before It Starts, Becoming Soul Mates, and Helping Your Struggling
Teenager. They are frequent guest speakers, including appearances on Oprah,
CBS This Morning and The View, and have been featured in Christianity Today and
MEDIA FOR TODAY’S CHURCH
Focus on the Family. They live in Seattle with their two sons. 1
 1 IDENTITY
Identification Please
Go through the following questions and pick the best answer that defines yourself. Put your initial
beside those answers. But then answer them again for your teenager. If you have more than one,
use their different initials.
1. My daily work mostly involves:
___ Putting things in order
___ Telling people what to do
___ Doing what people tell me to do
___ Thinking things nobody else has thought before
___ Figuring out what people need
___ Making things run better
2. I wish my daily work mostly involved:
___ Putting things in order
___ Telling people what to do
___ Doing what people tell me to do
___ Thinking things nobody else has thought before
___ Figuring out what people need
___ Making things run better
3. When somebody insults me, I . . .
___ Insult them back
___ Hit them (or hit something)
___ Try to understand why they said that
___ Get acid indigestion
___ Agree with them
4. My favorite times are . . .
___ Doing stuff with my family
___ Chilling with my friends
___ Getting away by myself
___ Working hard on something and succeeding
___ Being entertained by a gifted performer
5. If I won $53,000 (after taxes) in a contest, I would . . .
___ Give most of it to the church
___ Save most of it for college
___ Buy a cool car
___ Travel someplace new
___ Use it to produce a feature film
___ Pay down the national debt

2 Lesson 1
IDENTITY
Which of these questions did you find most difficult to answer; for yourself, or for your teen?

Video Discussion
Video Discussion:

Three Qualities Important for Good Parenting (from Les & Leslie Parrott)
1. ENNINEGUESS — — — — — — — — — — —
2. ROPESLAN THRAWM — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
3. YTHEMAP — — — — — — —
A Crucial Parenting Skill
VICEAT GITINSELN —————— —————————
which involves
1. GINFAILCRY NOTCENT — — — — — — — — — — ———————
2. GREENCLIFT GLEEFIN — — — — — — — — — — ———————
Do you think it’s possible to try too hard to be genuine?

Do you ever find yourself being un-genuine with your kids?

What can you do to maintain warmth and empathy in times of conflict with your kids?

“So many times when it comes to helping struggling teenagers, we focus on ‘What do I do? Give me
some action steps.’ Before you even get to that you need to first focus on who you are.”
– Dr. Les Parrott

Parenting Lab
On the next page, you’ll find a series of quotes taken directly from some of the teenagers in the video.
They had a variety of complaints, and some of them might match things that your own kids are saying.
Look through these for a few minutes and, if any of them sound familiar, give some thought to what
steps could be taken to improve things.

Lesson 1 3
IDENTITY
 [“I went to school trying to be somebody I wasn’t. . . . It’s like. ‘Well, where do I fit in?’ I was so
confused. . . . I’ve done that so much that now I don’t know who I am.”
Would my teenager(s) ever say something like this?
]
___ Probably ___ Maybe ___ Probably not
If so, what could be done about that?

[ “What I expect out of him [my dad] is to yell at me about something. I guess that’s
why I don’t go to him anymore about my problems.”
Would my teenager(s) ever say something like this about me?
]
___ Probably ___ Maybe ___ Probably not
If so, what could be done about that?

“My parents always tell me I’m smart enough and I can do better and push myself
more and more. And they don’t understand when to stop. I can only do so much. . . .
While I’m trying to juggle school, I’m also trying to juggle a lot of other things. I don’t think
parents realize that. They may have been a kid once but things are different now.”
Would my teenager(s) ever say something like this about me?
___ Probably ___ Maybe ___ Probably not
If so, what could be done about that?

[ “I think that a lot of the time we are not on the same wavelength, they [my parents]
don’t understand what I’m going through or what I’m doing right now.”
Would my teenager(s) ever say something like this about me?
]
___ Probably ___ Maybe ___ Probably not
If so, what could be done about that?

4 Lesson 1
IDENTITY
 “I want to sing, I want to travel, I want to hang out with my friends past curfew just once,
I want to do the stuff my friends get to do – and just fit in. I don’t want
to grow up and have a job that I don’t like. I just want to be happy.”
Would my teenager(s) ever say something like this?
___ Probably ___ Maybe ___ Probably not
If so, what could be done about that?

A BIBLE CONNECTION: “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to
one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves . . . Rejoice with those who rejoice;
mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another.” – Romans 12:9-16

Activity:
Active Listening
In this exercise, you should do two things:
reflect what was said by repeating it back in some form;
clarify content by asking questions about anything you didn’t quite get.
Do not:
give advice;
criticize or compliment the person;
compare the situation to something you’ve gone through.

Team up with another person. One will take the role of Teenager, the other is the Parent.
The Parent asks, “Did you have fun after school today?”
The Teenager makes up some story about what he or she did after school.
The Parent should listen, making only reflective statements and clarifying questions.

[After the exercise is completed, process it] How did you feel about that? Was it difficult to listen
like that? When you were the Teenager, did you feel the other person was truly listening?

A BIBLE CONNECTION: “[Hagar] gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: ‘You are the God who
sees me.’” – Genesis 16:13

We serve a God who really sees the plight of those in need and hears their prayers. Shouldn’t we
exhibit the same quality to those in our own home?

Lesson 1 5
IDENTITY
 Before You Go
Before we go, let’s take one more look at the major points of today’s video. Good parenting involves
Genuineness, Personal Warmth, and Empathy.

Genuineness:
“Teenagers have a built in radar detector. They know when you’re being phony and they know when
you genuinely care. So you can do all the right things, but it won’t have an impact on them if they don’t
sense that genuine desire to know their heart and understand who they are.” – Dr. Leslie Parrott

Personal Warmth:
“They may come home from school and you might be the first place all day they get a clue that ‘I am a
valuable person.’” – Dr. Les Parrott

Empathy:
“This quality of being able to put your self in another person’s shoes, to see the world from their
perspective, to imagine what life must be like to be lived in their skin.” – Dr. Les Parrott

Next time we’ll talk more about . . . basic skills of being a mom or dad. What kind of tools do you need
in your Parenting Toolbox?
WHAT I’VE LEARNED TODAY:

HOW I’LL PUT THIS INTO PRACTICE:

Sometime later today, come back to this workbook and review what you’ve learned. If you and your
spouse are in the class together, compare notes. Take some time to think up specific ways to put
these ideas into practice.

6 Lesson 1
IDENTITY
 2 THE TOOLBOX
The Right Stuff
Circle your assigned toolbox. Now look at the Job List. How many of those jobs you can do while using
all four of your tools.

Toolbox 1 Toolbox 2 Toolbox 3

Ball-point pen Digital camera Hatchet
Belt Drill iPod
Can opener Flashlight Knitting needle
Cell phone Hair dryer Matches

Toolbox 4 Toolbox 5
Nail clippers Steak knife
Paper clip Toothbrush
Screw driver Turkey baster
Shoe horn Tweezers
Job List
How will you use your tools to . . .
Fix breakfast:

Build a bookcase:

Change a tire:

Teach a Sunday school class:

(cont. on next page)

Lesson 2 7
THE TOOLBOX
 Make a movie:

Climb a mountain:

Wash your windows:

Plant a garden:

Bible Discovery
Family Tree
Abraham – Sarah
Isaac – Rebekah
Jacob & Esau
Genesis 37: 1-4
Jacob’s attitude toward Joseph? ________________________________________________
Why? (Genesis 29:16-18,25,31)
______________________________________________________________________
Genesis 37:2,5-8
Joseph’s attitude? _________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
The brothers’ response? _____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
See Genesis 37:19-20. ______________________________________________________
What do you think Jacob did wrong as a father?

8 Lesson 2
THE TOOLBOX
Do you see that happening in homes today, perhaps even in your own home?

Genesis 25:27-28
Background of this family dynamic? _____________________________________________
Do you think Jacob’s upbringing affected the way he raised his own children?

How would you describe your parents’ parenting style?

In what ways have you continued this style with your own kids?

In what areas have you tried to change the pattern?

What has Jacob taught us about “tools of parenting?”

2 Samuel 13:1
The situation? ____________________________________________________________
The crime? ______________________________________________________________
David’s response? _________________________________________________________
Absalom’s response? _______________________________________________________
David’s action? ___________________________________________________________
Absalom’s action? _________________________________________________________
Why do you think David wasn’t speaking to Absalom?

Lesson 2 9
THE TOOLBOX
 From a parenting perspective, what did David do wrong? What tools of good parenting did he fail to use?

Do you think there are children today who feel something similar to what Absalom felt? How does
that turn out?

Elsewhere David is described as “a man after God’s own heart.” He showed many exemplary quali-
ties. How does it make you feel to know that such a great man could make such parenting mistakes?

1 Kings 3:6-9
What good things did David teach Solomon? ________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
What other parenting tools can we pick up from David’s experience – with Amnon, Absalom or Solomon?
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Parenting Lab
HIGHLIGHTED VERSES IN PROVERBS
1:10-14 3:11-12 10:4-5
1:29-32 3:26 11:4
3:1-2 3:28 11:21
3:5-6 6:6-11
3:9-10 9:10
Look through the first part of Proverbs, but especially the highlighted verses, and see what it has to say
about the following subjects.
In Proverbs, what do parents teach about . . .
A relationship with God?

Discipline?

10 Lesson 2
THE TOOLBOX
Money?

The value of work?

The consequences of bad behavior?

The results of good behavior?

Before You Go
What do you have in your toolbox?
G—————————S P——————— W—————
E—————— L———————G
From Jacob we learned:

From David we learned:

From Proverbs we learned:

Next time we’ll talk more about . . . helping your teenager through emotional turmoil.
WHAT I’VE LEARNED TODAY:

HOW I’LL PUT THIS INTO PRACTICE:

Lesson 2 11
THE TOOLBOX
 3 TURMOIL
Nothing More Than Feelings
The Scene
A: I got that report you were asking about.
B: When did I ask for that?
A: Thursday, I think.
B: Well, what does it say? Anything interesting?
A: It’s everything we expected. And more.
B: More? More? How could it possibly be . . .
A: Take a look for yourself. You’ll see what I’m talking about.
B: Well, this certainly changes things, doesn’t it?
The Feelings
Infuriated
Infatuated (with someone, not necessarily the other actor)
Delighted
Depressed
Confused
Concerned

Notes from the Video

Dynamics of Depression
A depressed person looks at the world through lenses that are
Personalized: ________________________________________________________
Pervasive: __________________________________________________________
Permanent: _________________________________________________________

1212 Lesson 3
TURMOIL
Four things that help with depression
A ______________________
H ______________________
S _________ T ___________
Don’t make them the F __________________

Video Discussion
The video began by mentioning the “negative self-talk” that teens often have. We heard several
teenagers talk about how bad they felt they were. I know the world talks a lot about “self-esteem,”
but from a Christian perspective, how important is it to “feel good about yourself”? Doesn’t that go
against the biblical virtue of humility?

Maybe you’ve heard the phrase: If you can’t say anything good, don’t say anything at all. So
wouldn’t it be better to teach our kids to keep their negative emotions under wraps?

A BIBLE CONNECTION
Honesty in the Psalms
“I say to God my Rock, ‘Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning . . . ?’ Why are you
downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?” – Psalms 41:9-11
“This is what the wicked are like – always carefree, they increase in wealth. Surely in vain have I kept my
heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.” – Psalms 73:12-13
“Break the teeth in their mouths, O God . . . Let them vanish like water that flows away . . . Like a slug
melting away as it moves along.” – Psalms 58:6-8
These aren’t held up as things that we should feel, but they are acknowledged as things that we do feel,
and so they can be part of our honest dialogue with God and one another.
The video also made a distinction between depression that comes from external sources
(Exogenous) and that which comes from internal sources (Endogenous). What’s the difference?

Lesson 3 13
TURMOIL
 A BIBLE CONNECTION
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the
Lord.” – Ephesians 6:4

T R AP
PAREN

Ever feel like this?

“You, as a parent, can’t fix them. That was a very tough realization . . . Your teen
has to get to a point where they want to fix themselves.”

How are depression and anger similar, and how are they different?

“To be honest, one of the most uncomfortable things about adolescent anger is, I’m always surprised by
how angry it makes me . . . But the better you manage your anger, the more you will empower this young
person to do the very same thing.”
– Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

“Anger is one of these emotions that causes distance until we begin to identify the source of it. And once
you begin to identify the source of it, you can begin to do something about it.”
– Dr. Les Parrott

A BIBLE CONNECTION
“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible,
as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge . . . Do not be overcome by
evil, but overcome evil with good.” – Romans 12:17-21

Parenting Lab
For each case, five parental responses are listed. If you gave any of these responses, what would your
teenager think? Write that in the space below each response. Then decide which you think is generally the
best response to the situation.
CASE 1
The teenager is depressed. It started when a three-week romance dissolved, then a class trip was
canceled, then a worse-than-expected report card. Now he seems listless, sad, spending a lot of time
alone, playing video games for hours, seldom speaking to anyone.

14 Lesson 3
TURMOIL
Responses
A. You’ll get over it. It’s just a phase you’re going through.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
B. Why aren’t you happy anymore? What have I done wrong?
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
C. The Bible says, “Rejoice in the Lord always.”
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
D. It makes no sense to feel that way. You should feel fine.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
E. Are things really that bad? Tell me about it.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________

Which response do you think is best, and why? ____________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

CASE 2
The teenager suddenly seems unconfident. Clumsier than usual, she gets mad at herself whenever she
trips or drops something. She regularly puts herself down in every way, from her appearance to her
singing voice to her intelligence. “I am such a loser,” she often says.
Responses
A. Why do you say that? You’re in the top ten percent of your class.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
B. No child of mine is going to be a loser.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
C. The Bible says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” So you have to love yourself.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
D. Let’s figure out some things you can do really well.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
E. Why can’t you be more confident, like your older brother?
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________

Which response do you think is best, and why? ____________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

Lesson 3 15
TURMOIL
 CASE 3
The teenager is very angry, yelling at the parents with little provocation. Asked to help move some furni-
ture, he’s suddenly screaming that he’s taken for granted and he hates living here “like a servant.” In his
frenzy, he knocks over a drinking glass and breaks it.
Responses
A. Yeah, well, it’s no picnic living in the same house with you either!
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
B. Where did that come from? Let’s sit down and talk about it.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
C. If you break it, you pay for it. That’s the rule.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
D. Go throw your tantrum somewhere else. I’m not buying it.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
E. Don’t raise your voice in the house!
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________

Which response do you think is best, and why? ____________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

CASE 4
The teenager is bitter over her parents’ divorce. She claims it was selfish, uncaring, and it ruined her life.
When she’s not bursting out in anger, she’s bottling it up, copping an attitude of disdain.
Responses
A. I’m sorry. I know I’ve thoroughly messed up your life. I’ll try to make it up to you.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
B. Maybe if you were a better kid, things would be different around here.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
C. Okay, I get it. But how are we going to move on from this?
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
D. The Bible says we have to forgive one another.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________
E. Half the kids in your school have the same problem, okay? Get over it.
What would your teen think? __________________________________________________

16 Lesson 3
TURMOIL
Which response do you think is best, and why? ____________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

A BIBLE CONNECTION
“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a
foothold.” – Ephesians 4:26-27

Before You Go
Before we go, let’s review the basic issues of today’s video. As we go through this process of parenting
teenagers, we may see them go through some times of emotional turmoil – especially depression and
anger.
What can we do to help them? Well, we have to get past our own pride and focus on their issues. Where
are those feelings coming from? If we can help them dismantle their feelings of inadequacy or their sense
of being threatened, we can prepare them for emotionally healthy lives.

“Looking back on the relationship between me and my parents, not everything was done right, but not
everything was done wrong.” – A teenager

Next time we’ll talk more about . . . dealing with your teenager’s rebellion.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED TODAY:

HOW I’LL PUT THIS INTO PRACTICE:

Lesson 3 17
TURMOIL
 4 REBELLION
Screen Scene
1. Which of the following movie titles best describes your life when you were a teenager?
a. Rebel Without a Cause
b. The Outsiders
c. Dances with Wolves
d. Pride and Prejudice
e. Life is Beautiful
f. Dumb and Dumber
Other _______________________________________________
2. Which TV title best describes your current parenting style?
a. Law and Order
b. Lost
c. Hope and Faith
d. Fear Factor
e. Friends
f. Survivor
Other _______________________________________________
3. If they made a movie of your interaction with your teenager(s) over the last week, what
type of film would it be?
a. Wacky comedy
b. Psychological thriller
c. Horror film
d. Feel-good story of personal triumph
e. Non-stop action flick
f. Disturbing drama that no one really understands
Other _______________________________________________
4. Which of these classic TV titles best describes your attitude toward parenting teenagers?
a. Cheers
b. Father Knows Best
c. The Wonder Years
d. Get Smart
e. What’s My Line?
f. Mission: Impossible
Other _______________________________________________

1818 Lesson 4
REBELLION
 T R AP
Ever feel like this?
PAREN

“We second-guess ourselves as parents: Are we doing anything right?

Does anything make a difference?”

Video Discussion
There was an interesting story early in the video where a kid named Anthony had done something wrong
in school several months earlier, and his mom was just getting word about it. She was upset and wanted
to discipline him, but he was also upset because it was so long ago and she wasn’t listening to his
explanations. In fact, he was ready to pack up and leave home over this!
Who was right, Anthony or his mom? Why?

T R AP
Ever feel like this?
PAREN

“I just felt like we had no control whatsoever . . . I couldn’t understand

what was going on at all.”

“When it comes to disciplining our kids, sometimes we will make rash decisions because we think, ‘Oh,
this is what needs to be done right now; let’s just take care of it’ – especially when we’re angry . . . If
you really want to discipline well, it takes some reflection. Don’t make your decision in the heat of the
moment.” – Dr. Les Parrott

How does the discipline of teenagers differ from the discipline of younger children?

What does it take to damage trust?

How can you rebuild trust?

T R AP
PAREN

Ever feel like this?

“ I don’t want to punish them because I feel guilty.”

Lesson 4 19
REBELLION
 A BIBLE CONNECTION: “Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love.” – Hosea 10:12
“As I have observed, . . . those who sow trouble reap it.” – Job 4:8
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his
sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit
will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest
if we do not give up.” – Galatians 6:7-9

“Here’s the idea we want to communicate: ‘You have my trust. The only person who can take that away is
you. I’m going to make a decision to trust you, and if something happens where I question that trust, I’m
going to check it out. I’m not going to automatically stop trusting you.’ [But if the trust is damaged,] then
I’ll say, ‘This is what we need to do for the trust to be restored.’ . . . They need to feel respected in that
process.” – Dr. Leslie Parrott

Parenting Lab
Imagine that a neighbor, friend, or relative came to you with this situation regarding their teenage child.
Normally you wouldn’t be telling someone else how to parent their kids, but assume that you have a
strong relationship with this other parent, and that they’re asking you for advice.
1. My kid lied to me, a flat-out, bald-faced lie about being at a friend’s house when he was really shoot-
ing hoops with some neighborhood kids I don’t like. I know basketball isn’t a bad thing in itself, but the
point is: he lied. That really upset me, and I told him he was grounded for three months. When he’s not
at school, he has to be home doing his homework. That started two weeks ago, and he doesn’t like it, of
course, but he hasn’t been mouthy about it. I’m beginning to think I over-reacted. Maybe I should shorten
the punishment, but I don’t want him to think I don’t mean what I say. What should I do?

2. Kelly has a nine o’clock curfew on school nights. Except for church activities and school functions
where I know exactly what she’s doing – if she’s just out with her friends, she’s home at nine. Well, it
was 9:53 last night when she walked in the door. She said she was with her friend Patrice at a coffee
shop and Patrice “really needed to talk.” Apparently Patrice’s life is falling apart, so my Kelly was a good
friend and talked her back to sanity. “I was really afraid she might be thinking about suicide,” Kelly told
me. My daughter tends to exaggerate, but she doesn’t lie. I think she probably was helping a friend and
just lost track of the time. But that doesn’t change the fact that she missed curfew. A rule is a rule. Does
this situation call for discipline, or am I being an ogre for even thinking about it?

20 Lesson 4
REBELLION
3. I had a hunch about this one. Our 16-year-old, Jimmy, begged us to let him go to a party last weekend.
I had some doubts about it, but we let him go, as long as he was back by 10. He complained about how
tough we were, but he was home at 9:59. Still, I suspected something, so I set my alarm for 2 a.m. and
checked Jimmy’s bedroom. Empty. As soon as we had gone to bed, he snuck out and went back to the
party. I was furious. I left a note on his bed: “Hope you had fun at the party. It’s the last fun you will ever
have.” Now we’re wondering what to do about it. How can you ever rebuild trust after something like that?

4. I work during the day, but I had left some important papers at home, so I came back after lunch to get
them. I heard some music from my teenage son’s room, and I figured he must have left the radio on. Ever
the conservationist, I walked in to turn it off. There were my son and his girlfriend, in bed. I’ll spare you the
details. I was shocked. These are both good, church-going kids. In fact, I really liked this girlfriend, after
some of the trashier crushes my son has had in the past. But now I don’t know what to do. Do we forbid
him from seeing her? Do we keep him from going to the church youth group? How can we address this?

5. I found some marijuana in my daughter’s room and I confronted her about it. She argued right back
that I had no right to spy on her, that I didn’t trust her, that everyone was doing it, and hey, it’s just weed.
Then she asked, “Didn’t you ever smoke pot when you were my age?” I didn’t know how to answer her.
The truth is, I did smoke pot as a teenager. So how can I scold her for doing something that I did myself?
Can I enforce a rule here without being a total hypocrite?

6. You never want to get that call. From the police. “We have your daughter here, could you come and
pick her up?” Maria is a good girl, really, but we’ve never been too excited about her choice of friends.
This was a party at a friend’s house, and there was alcohol, and the cops were called, and they hauled
them all in for underage drinking. No arrests in this case, just a call to the parents. Maria insists that she
wasn’t drinking and no one around her was drinking. She says the alcohol was in a whole other part of
the house. Still, we feel she should face some consequences for this. We’re just not sure what.

Lesson 4 21
REBELLION
 A BIBLE CONNECTION: “Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded
you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving
you.” – Deuteronomy 5:16

T R AP
PAREN

Ever feel like this?

“People have a tendency to share more about the good things about their kids. One
thing I did learn was by sharing the hard things . . . you find out that you’re not the
only one. And you might be able to help somebody through it after you’ve gone through it.”

Be Before You Go
Discipline should be . . .
P——————
A——————————
Parents must also . . .
R — — — — — — — — the Warning Signs of Dangerous Behavior
E — — — — — — — — a Solid Stance
And sometimes your kids need a . . .
N — — Crew
T — — — — Trust

“How can I stay involved with them without damaging the relationship and communicating to them that I
don’t trust them – that I in fact expect them to mess up again? . . . [I need to] say to them: ‘I understand
something about the nature of this struggle . . . What I’m going to do is give you some extra
accountability, not because I don’t trust you but because I understand the nature of this struggle and I
want you to be your best self. So I’m going to help you with that, and if you’re going to start resenting it,
tell me, but I’m going to do it because I care about you.’” – Dr. Leslie Parrott

Next time we’ll talk more about . . . guiding your teenager on their journey of faith.
WHAT I’VE LEARNED TODAY:

HOW I’LL PUT THIS INTO PRACTICE:

22 Lesson 4
REBELLION
 5 LEGACY
Their Journey
Notes from the story I’ve heard

What’s the difference between telling about your own journey and telling about someone
else’s? Do you tell it differently? Is it more interesting when you tell your own?

Notes from the Video

Questions Kids Ask/Issues They Have

If you see your kids slipping from faith

1. B ________ it in P ________________
2. Don’t L _________ H ____________
3. Don’t make them feel G ___________

“In the dance of life we step on each other’s toes.” – Dr. Leslie Parrott

“It’s okay if you don’t have the answers to every theological question – join the club! – but be
genuine.” – Dr. Les Parrott

Lesson 5 23
LEGACY
 PAREN T R AP
Ever feel like this?
“For me there’s a sense of failure that I’m not leading my daughter spiritually . . . It
seems like the more I open that door the more she closes it, and it’s a baffling thing
to me . . . It’s very frustrating. I spend a lot of time crying out to God to move in her.”

Video Discussion
A BIBLE CONNECTION “or I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all
creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-9
At one point, the video has this quote: “Your job as a parent will shift from control to guidance,
then advice and support.” Do you think that’s about right? Where on that path do you see your own
dealings with your teenager?

The Parrotts mentioned a situation where your teen might prefer to go to another church. Is that
ever a good idea? Why or why not?

One of the young people we meet in the video was Brian. He told that heartbreaking story about
calling out to God and watching clouds come in and block the sun. He felt that God was turning his
back. What would you say to Brian about that?

Sometimes kids get angry at God. How should you deal with that?

24 Lesson 5
LEGACY
PAREN T R AP
Ever feel like this?
“They’ve seen humility, they’ve seen a mom and dad who say, ‘We need God’s wisdom.
We know we don’t know what we’re doing half the time, but God has entrusted you to us,
and he’s given us the calling, therefore he will equip us. You may not like it, you may not
agree with it but trust this, we are seeking God in this.’”

In the segment with Steven Curtis Chapman, he called himself the “Chief Repenter” in his home. Is
that a good thing? Shouldn’t parents be a model of righteous behavior?

A BIBLE CONNECTION “He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in
weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may
rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecu-
tions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 1 Corinthians 12:9-10
How can your weaknesses teach your kids about the Lord?

“It’s been there [in my family relationships] that God has shaped my heart to make it look more like His.”
– Steven Curtis Chapman

“They don’t want formulas for life. They don’t want answers. They don’t want dogmas. They don’t care so
much about theology. They want a relationship with a living God.” – Dr. Leslie Parrott

Parenting Lab
Let’s say your teenager, or a close friend of your teen, comes up with the following statement. How will
you respond?

Lesson 5 25
LEGACY
 A. After this latest tragedy, I’m not sure if I can believe in a God who allows suffering like that. I mean,
these were innocent people. What did they do to deserve pain and death? You’ve always taught me that
God takes care of us. Well, he sure didn’t take care of them.
How would you respond?

B. You are such a hypocrite! You talk about loving others, but you won’t stop to help somebody fix a flat
tire. And not just you – it’s like everyone in the church, okay? It’s all, “Love everyone,” but then you say
all these hateful things about gay people. It’s “Give money to help people,” but then you just build a new
church building. I don’t want any part of that anymore.
How would you respond?

C. Look, it just doesn’t make sense to believe in a God who created the world. I mean, that was a nice
story and all, but I’ve been learning about what really happened. Scientists have pretty much determined
that things just evolved, so I really don’t need those Bible stories anymore.
How would you respond?

D. I just don’t want to go to church anymore, that’s all. My life is so busy, I could really use that time to
relax a little. It’s no big deal. I just don’t want to go.
How would you respond?

E. You said I needed to start making my own decisions. Well, I don’t want to go to church with you
anymore. You always say stuff like, “You can worship God anywhere, like on a mountain, or in a car,”
and so that’s kind of what I want to do. Some of the kids are talking about getting together for prayer or
something. So it’s not like I’m turning away from God or anything. I just need to do it on my own.
How would you respond?

26 Lesson 5
LEGACY
F. I’m tired of being one of them! Christians are just so weird. Why do we all have to be so different from
real people? I mean, there I am at school with my friends, and somebody starts saying, “Hey, you gotta
get saved,” and my friends look at me and go, “You’re one of them too, right?” Well, I don’t want to be
one of “them.” I just want to be normal.
How would you respond?

“God’s answers deserve our questions.” – Dr. Les Parrott

Before You Go
How can you team up with your kids in ministry?
Ideas: ________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
What might a next step be, in order to make this happen? ____________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

“You can love, you can guide, you can be absolutely genuine about your own weakness, and you can
stand by the road like the Father, with outstretched arms, offering a welcome back into the house of
grace.” – from the video

Next time we’ll talk more about . . . this process of leading our kids into a closer walk with God.
WHAT I’VE LEARNED TODAY

HOW I’LL PUT THIS INTO PRACTICE

Lesson 5 27
LEGACY
 6 DISCIPLING
YOUR TEENAGER
Something great I have experienced:
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Some opinion I hold:
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Something I know how to do:
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Notes from what you heard
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Which of those things is the hardest to do, and which is the easiest – describing an
experience, sharing an opinion, or teaching a task?

A BIBLE CONNECTION Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth
has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of
the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have com-
manded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” – Matthew 28:18-20

As we spread the faith, is it more like (a) describing an experience we’ve had; (b) persuad-
ing someone about an opinion we hold; or (c) teaching someone to do something?

Bible Discovery
Acts 16:16-31: Paul and Silas in Philippi
What did the jailer need to do? ____________________________________________
Who would be saved as a result? __________________________________________

2828 Lesson 6
DISCIPLING YOUR TEENAGER
A. Describing (Witness)
Acts 1:8: Jesus gives instructions before ascending
What’s a witness? ________________________________________________________
Acts 4:8-14: Peter and John appear before the council
How would you describe this testimony? ________________________________________
What gave Peter and John the ability to speak as they did? ____________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
What was the strongest argument in favor of Peter and John? __________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
What kind of healing has occurred in your life, in your family? How is God healing you right now?

B. Persuading
Colossians 4:3-6: Paul speaks about sharing the faith
Take a few minutes on your own to list several things the apostle Paul says about ministry, procla-
mation, and persuasion in Colossians 4:3-6. What could we learn here about sharing our faith?

______________________ ______________________
______________________ _______________________________
____________________________________ _______________________________
____________________________________ ______________________
______________________ ______________________
Is Paul talking about his mission or ours? __________________________________________
A BIBLE CONNECTION “But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an
answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentle-
ness and respect . . .” – 1 Peter 3:15

C. Teaching How

A BIBLE CONNECTION “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God
with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you
today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home
and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on
your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your
gates.” – Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Lesson 6 29
DISCIPLING YOUR TEENAGER
 Luke 12:22-25
What is his point, and what object lesson does he use?

Luke 12:27-28
What is his point, and what object does he use?

Luke 13:18-21
What objects does he use here?

What is his point?

From just these examples, how would you describe Jesus’ teaching style?

Parenting Lab
How would you respond to the following parents?
1. We’ve tried to have family devotions on a regular basis. Tried is the key word there. At various
times our three kids have resisted, but we keep coming back to it. Now we have a pattern of twice
a week, after dinner, we do a Bible reading and a little meditation. It’s been going okay, but I’ve
noticed our 15-year-old son has been participating less and less. Last week he came to us and
said, “I don’t think I should have to do that anymore. It just seems like a waste of time.” Of course
we got upset and told him he had to do it, but I’ve been wondering since then: Should we really
force him to have devotions if his heart’s not into it?

30 Lesson 6
DISCIPLING YOUR TEENAGER
2. I have a temper. That’s no secret, but I’ve really tried to keep it in check around my kids. I know
it would be a really bad testimony to them if they saw their dad ranting and raving. By the grace
of God, I’ve been able to maintain control, pretty much. And I’ve taught them to try to control their
anger, though I can tell they’ve got the same hot-blooded personality I have. Anyway, last month
at work I really lost it. I yelled at my boss . . . and I got fired. Anyway, my 16-year-old daughter
and 13-year-old son have been asking about that situation – how I lost the job and whatever. So
far, I’ve just been saying it was a misunderstanding. I mean, I’ve talked so much about how God
has helped me control my temper, I don’t want them to think God failed me. So I’m hiding the true
cause of my termination. Is that all right to do?

3. I had a fight with my 14-year-old daughter. I criticized something she was doing, so she said
something nasty to me, so I got mad and grounded her for the rest of her natural life. Well, no. Just
a week. She’s really not allowed to talk to me that way. But then she said, “How can you punish me
for that? Aren’t you supposed to ‘turn the other cheek’?” That got me thinking. Should I forgive her
for stuff like that just because I’m a Christian?

4. My 15-year-old son is going through a kind of questioning phase. The other day, he asked, “How
can you really believe all those stories in the Bible? Aren’t they just made up? I mean, a lot that
stuff is just physically impossible.” I told him I did believe and I would try to explain why. So over
the next two weeks I read books, I went on-line, I researched everything I could, and then I sat
down and started telling him why I believe in creation, in Noah’s flood, in the sun standing still for
Joshua, and all that. Well, after about fifteen minutes his eyes were glazing over and he said, “Do
we really have to do this, dad?” What did I do wrong?

Lesson 6 31
DISCIPLING YOUR TEENAGER
 5. In the car the other day, my 17-year-old daughter announced, “I don’t think I believe in God
anymore.” I was stunned by that, and hurt. “How can you say that, after all we’ve taught you?” She
went on about all the pain in the world and how it was fine for me to believe in God, but she just
didn’t want to. I’m sure I over-reacted, but I didn’t know what to say. As soon as we got home, I
slammed the car door and barked, “No daughter of mine is going to be an atheist,” and I stormed
inside. I’m not sure what to do now.

Before You Go
2 Timothy 1:5-7: Paul talks about family influence.
Who influenced Timothy’s faith? ______________________________________________
There are three “characters” in verse 6. Can you figure out who they are?

______________ ______________ ______________

According to verse 7, what characteristics should reside in our spirit and the spirit of our kids?

WHAT I’VE LEARNED TODAY

HOW I’LL PUT THIS INTO PRACTICE

32 Lesson 6
DISCIPLING YOUR TEENAGER