National Lampoon (1996)

Bonus: Sux-Ma donnas Baby Book
£&i*
Melvin Spivey...
Nasal Spray A d d i c t
The Multicultural Exams

of Ellen Braverwomyn
Almost Holy
Apparitions
Fashion Cafe Menu
Expanded
True Facts
J. Peeterman's
Dysfunctional White
Trash Catalogue
$4.95 U.S.
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
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_. . i t U i i t i t i A
FEATURES
Fashion Cafe Menu, Jeff Pill & Tom Sage.,.5
Roman Enquirer, Jeffivs Pillivs...l3
Sux: Madonna's Baby Book, Dave Pullano...l7
J. Peeterman's Dysfunctional White Trash Catalogue, Brian Williamson...25
Duffer's Digest, Jeff Pill, Dave Pullano,
Harmon Leon, Gene Grey...31
The Woman Lincoln, Christine Wrensh...40
Lawrence of Hollywood: The Remake, Dean Christopher...45
A Loser's Life, Nick Beef...48
The Second Oldest Profession Comes Of Age,
EDITORIAL STAFF Jefferson Springbok...53
Publisher: Duncan Murray
The Multicultural Exams of Ellen Braverwomyn,
Editor-in-Chief: Jeff Pill Jeff Pill & Tom Sage...61
Senior Editors: Dean Christopher, Dave Pullano
Associate Editor: Tom Sage Sexual Harassment: How To Do It,
Current Events Editor: Nick Beef
Editorial Assistant: Cora V. Asuncion John Hughes & Ted Mann...67
Editorial Board: James P. Jimirro, Duncan Murray,
Jeff Pill, Dave Pullano
The Book of Last Pages, Dean Christopher...73
Director of Advertising: Jay Eisenberg, Nuremberg Court Frees Hitler, Dean Christopher...81
JE Publishers' Representatives
12424 Wilshire Blvd., Ste. 1110 Modern Urban Legends, Jeff Pill, Dave Pullano, Harman Leon, Gene
LA. CA 90025
(310) 571-0300 Phone Grey...82
(310) 571-0307 FAX
Senior Photographer: Darryl Song Stewardesses of the Emerging Nations, Bruce McCall...84
Cover Photographer: Juli Armitage
Contributing Photographers: Jerry Friedman, Diane Grisevich
Review from the Road, Dean Christopher...92
Contributing Editors: Harmon Leon, Brian Williamson Somewhere Beyond The Rim, Dean Christopher...94
Contributing Writers: Anne Beats, Gene Grey, David Guhlow,
John Hughes, Ted Mann, Bruce McCall, Melvin Spivey...Nasal Spray Addict,
Dennis McMurray, Tom Roberts,
Jim Siergey, Jefferson Springbok, Jeff Pill & Tom Sage...99
Gerald Sussman, Christine Wrensh
Art Director: Rick Menard
Almost Holy Apparitions, Dave Pullano... 107
Contributing Artists: Laurie Aleite, Jon Barry, Doug Taylor, Peter
Kleinman, Stanley Matis, Bruce McCall,
The Nazi Doctor Dolittle, Anne Beatts...l08
Steve Teeter, Doug Taylor, Eric Von
Schmidt, Brian Williamson
FLOTSAM & THEN SOME
Senior Graphic Artist: Sally Brophy Editorial...You Frenchie Bastards...9
Graphic Artists: Darin Alch, Scott Bevington,
Richard Germinaro
Letters... 10
Electronic Publishing Assistant: Ben Ho True Facts, Signs & Headlines...12,24,42,43, 52, 66, 71, 89, 98,104,105
Research/Fact Checker: Saundra L. Murray Letters From Dog River...22, 91
Digital Production: Scott Holmes
Cover Model: Darlene Medore Cultural Jet Lag...44, 60
Punster's Dictionary...96
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A Message from the National Veal Association
Attention Readers:
Please, D O NOT BE ALARMED BY EXTREMIST ADS SUCH AS THIS ONE, showing a young calf
chained in a small pen, wallowing in its own filth. This is not the case with meat from the National Veal
Association. In fact, veal is one of the healthiest foods that you can eat.
The young calves raised at our ranches are allowed to roam freely on a thousand acre ranch. They are fed
a daily diet of Kentucky bluegrass, organic Iowa corn and Evian spring water.
They have a happy and healthy life, right up to the final moment when a bullet from a .357 Magnum is
fired into their young skulls. As human beings, we could only hope to be as content as the calves we raise.
Thanks to a major pledge from the Saltimbocca Foundation, we will soon begin construction on a new
swimming pool and playground for the calves. So, the next time some Birkenstock-wearing, Yanni-loving
do-gooder tells you that eating veal is not politically correct, tell them that their bean sprouts were grown
by underpaid migrant workers!
Sincerely,
/Ifaw* /ija^Ce/<^^x3
Dennis Janickitous
National Veal Association
Artist's conception of proposed playground

N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N • pg 5

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EDITORIAL thanks is constant pissing and DejaVu -
An Open Letter to the moaning about the increasing Been there, done that
French Ministry of Culture encroachment of American cul-
ture and its corruption of your Denouement -
From: The Editors of precious fancy schmancy coun- Storygasm
National Lampoon try. Yeah, right! Let us remind
you that "nature abhors a vacu- Douche -
Dear Frenchie Bastards: um". Need an example? Name French bath
It has recently come to our one great French Rock and Roll
attention, that U Academie Band- Haute Couture -
franchise is in the process of Give up? OK, then name any Fancy duds
replacing English words and French Rock and Roll band that
colloquial phrases, such as doesn't sound like a pair of flea Hors D'oeuvres -
"week-end" and "fast food", ridden alley cats making kittens
Appetizers you're not paying for
with often cumbersome equiva- to the swelling strains of ABBA.
lents in your own phlegm-sod- Need another example? How
about Action Film Stars? Jean Laissez -Faire -
den tongue. What's the matter? Doctrine opposing governmen-
Still pining for the days when Claude Van Damme? Nah, he's
Belgian - and that's lower than tal interference in economic
French was the international affairs beyond the minimum
language of choice? You weren't French!
necessary for the maintenance of
pissing and moaning for three or Well, two can play at that peace and property rights
four hundred years, when most game, you snail slurping, wine
of the royal courts of the world guzzling, innards eating, Jerry Raconteur -
conversed in French rather than Lewis loving, malodorous, yel-
in the vernacular. Well, too bad Last minute fill-in quasi-
low bellied German collabora- celebrity banjo plucking talk
for you... Now the shoe is on the tors. Here's what we intend to
other "pied". English has show guest George Segal
do about it. We've decided to
replaced French as the interna- petition for an Act of Congress
tional language of commerce. Reservoir -
to remove all of your words
"C'est la Vie!" , or shall I trans- Fake lake
from our language, so that w e
late... "Shit happens!". here in the good old U.S. of A.
What's all the fuss about in the can finally be free of your fag- R.S.V.R-
first place? There are a hell of a got-assed, effete, pretentious Please let us know if you're
lot more French phrases in our Frenchie culture. coming or not, so we can make
language than the other way sure that there is enough food
around, but you don't see us The following are just a frac- and alcohol, you inconsiderate
whining about it. Pathetic hypo- tion of the French words and cirrhotic bastards!
crites... you stole most of French phrases proposed for elimina-
from Latin in the first place! tion, along with their new Menage A Trois-
Unlike stale, static, lost in the English replacements. Oh, and In your dreams, pal!
past French, English is alive and by the way, tell your women to
evolving; constantly weaving shave their pits, for Chrissakes!
Valet -
words from other languages and Actor
cultures into a rich tapestry. French-
Furthermore, if it weren't for English Replacement Note to our readers:
Anglophones you'd all be We welcome submissions of
speaking German today any- Bidet - additional French words and
way..."Ich Bin Ein Weasel!" And French shower their proposed English equiva-
now you hand us the final lents... and any other nasty com-
insult. You take your little white Bon Vivant - ments you can think of to make
sissy-boy glove and smack it Cookie eatin' fancy boy about the French.
across the face of good old
Uncle Sam. We saved your ass Concierge -
in "The Big One" and our only Actor
Sirs:
Letters to the Editor
Want to hear my impression of the Pope
Sirs:
Cut that out! I mean it this time. Really, Sirs:
barking like a dog? I'm not kidding! I'm warning you guys, just According to Faye Resnick's book, Nicole
"Bcyzarck, bcyzarck, bcyzarck!" one more break in this cease fire and you're in Brown Simpson: The Private Diary of a Life
Gzoofzie big trouble. Yessiree, one more time and that's
it! Interrupted, the late Mrs. Simpson once com-
Wzalt Dyznie Worldj
Bill Clinton pared the size of Kansas City Chiefs' running
Orzlandzo, FL
Talking tough on Bosnia, back Marcus Allen's penis to "a piece of drift-
Sirs: but sounding more and more wood". Now what the hell does that mean? I
There's one thing that the American public like Joe Besser mean, I've seen some pretty small driftwood,
seems to forget: For every kid dropped from a but, then again, I've also seen it crash into
school lunch program, the Space Shuttle can Sirs: shore and knock riders off their horses.
fly another five miles. I'm offering you first look on my next
movie project. DAS SPEEDEN...It's John Q. Public
NASA thinkin'
Schindler's List...on a bus! I think we can get
Kevin Costner. Please contact me at your ear-
Sirs: liest convenience.
Yes, I'm still a little girl at heart. I like Sirs:
Barry Schmutz I strongly feel that women everywhere
ponies, teddy bears, my Smurf jammies, the
Three Guys Pictures should have the right to safe, clean, free abor-
merry-go-round, and waking the neighbors up
Hollywood, CA
at 3 a.m. with my screaming, self-inflicted, tions. Especially the ones I knock up.
racking orgasms. Sirs: J. Stud
A 35-year-old Little Girl I just looked at a copy of your magazeen. Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Mom's house Why are you so like, meen to peepul? It is not
nice to be so meen to peepul. If you were in
Sirs: my scool, my teacher Ms. Pumashirkeraju
There's more than one way to skin a cat. Sirs:
would like make you take a time out and read
For a free brochure, write to: Cat a story about meen peepul. Then you would Believe me, it's not going to be your
Skinners/P.O. Box 100/Galveston, TX 12121. like have to go see the comitty and promiss crowd, really, you'd just have a lousy time.
Dean of Pain never to do it agen. The only reason why we're going is because
Galveston, TX Tiffany Johnson we promised the guys we'd be there, but we're
Cal State - Los Angeles just going for like fifteen minutes, and then
Sirs: we're leaving. You'll have much more fun at
My grandfather used to always tell me: "In Sirs: home. Trust me. OK, bye. She bought it!
this life, you either have talent — or a stupid Hey, kids! — You wanna see a picture of me
fucking name." fuckin' your grandma??! The Gore Sisters
I still don't, like, know what he meant. Grandpa Blowing Off Chelsea on a
Keaneau Reeves On The Internet Friday night
in character Sirs: Washington, DC
What has happened to the Great American
Sirs: Side Show? Since all my freaks now make Sirs:
You know, Clarence eventually lost his more money collecting Medicaid and Social
Security than I could afford to pay them, I've Enclosed please find ERNEST GOES TO
wings — something about child abuse and
been forced to go with my second string. THE PROCTOLOGIST, by a hot new screen-
sodomy - but, still - It's a Wonderful Life!
From It's a Wonderful Life We've got the moderately obese woman, the writer you'll soon be hearing a lot about all
pretty strong guy, the world's tallest midget over town. Anna Nichole Smith is attached as
R-rated version
and the world's shortest giant (it's the same Elsa the K.Y Rep (now that she has the free
guy!) and of course, our amazing contortionist,
Sirs: time). I look forward to your reaction.
Zoloft the human pretzel...stick.
Heme's an interesting fact I've just lear- Barry Schmutz
Frank Stugatz
rned: Sheep can be used for theirrr wool, too! Two Guys Pictures
Acme Freak Show and Drive Thru
Jock MacMillan Hollywood, CA
Liquor Emporium
Glengarry Farms, Scotland
Coney Island, NY
Sirs: Sirs:
Sirs: If you had slept with the bitch, you'd have
How come "feces" is always plural? If Take my wives, please!
I just lay one turd, is it a fece? sucked a muzzle, too.
Sheik E. Kareem
Todd Gabor Omar's Comedy Tent & Kwik Mart Vince Foster
Oxford University Qatar Purgatory
England
Sirs:
Sirs: You want to know how to score with a
Ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring Thank Sirs: Hindu chick? Put your tongue in her ear. It
you for calling Microsoft. Please remain on I'm worried about this lump in my left tes-
the line. The next available service representa- ticle. You don't think it's anything serious, do drives 'em nuts!
tive will be with you in the next four to six you? Ghandi's Diary
weeks. White Lab Rat Page 37
Microsoft Corp. M.I.T.
Conquering the world with Mac 88 Cambridge, MA

Sirs: Sirs: Sirs:
I was watchin' one of them tampon com- The "ancient Chinese secret" to fresh, clean When you adopt kids, most people assume
mercials with that Cathy Rigby, where she laundry? Piss. Simple piss. Your typical that you treat them just like you treat your own
twirls around on those parallel bars during her Oriental urine is non-staining, free of phos- kids. Well, that's not exactly true. For one,
period, hops off, and tells us all how clean and phates and other impurities, and a hoot to we don't feed them as much. We don't know
comfortable her tampons are. squirt all over your wife's undies. why — it just works out that way.
Well, the damn things might be well and Mr. Lee The Gilbert Family and our 1 or
good if you're into sports and athletics and Lee's Laundry and Urology Center 2 adopted kids
jumpin' around like a damn fool, but I'm just Bath, NY
sitting around on the couch watching T.V., and
I'm sore as hell and bleedin' like a stuck pig! Sirs: Sirs:
Mrs. Elva Trumbolt In Britain, I can easily find an Englishman At Sunday school last week, a nun yelled at
In a trailer park in Altoona, PA by the smell of his blood. In France? I usual- me for picking on some retarded kid. She said
ly catch a whiff of their sticky, unwashed that whenever someone teases handicapped
Sirs: crotches first. people, it makes Jesus cry. I think Jesus really
Why did the chicken cross the road? The Giant needs to lighten up. Maybe He should try trip-
Because it was the will of Allah. Fee Fi Fo Fumming ping some kid in leg braces.
Sheik E. Kareem Charlie
Omar's Comedy Tent & Kwik Mart Sirs: The 3rd grade
Qatar You can't judge a book by its cover —
unless, of course, that cover is spackled with Sirs:
cum. Elvis? Yeah, he worked for me last summer
Editors but I had to fire him. He was bad for business,
Sirs: Swank Magazine what with the way he constantly stuffed him-
We might as well hire the gook broad. self with foods high in saturated fats and gob-
Affirmative Action bled up drugs like jellybeans. Frankly, I'm
Doing its job Sirs:
They say that curiosity killed the cat. But, surprised he isn't dead.
as it happens, so would 100 cc's of eyeliner Bill Hicks
Sirs:
injected straight into his brain. At the Gas & Go
What do they mean I can't act my way out
of a paper bag? Paper bags are no problem for Animal Researcher
me. It's movies I have trouble with. Revlon Sirs:
Keaneau Reeves As Hitler's tanks rolled into Warsaw, one
Hollywood, CA Sirs: thing became strikingly clear: the Polish had
It's "Dooby, dooby, do", Frank. Have you no sense of humor.
Sirs: got Oldtimers' Disease? Or is it Alzheimer's From one of those old
I'll take Acne for $200, Alex. Disease? Or Katzenjammer's Disease? I just German newsreeels
Some kid on "Teen Jeopardy" can't remember. Berlin, Germany
Ronald Reagan
Sirs: Bel Air (isn't it, Nancy?) CA Sirs:
To date, you have not returned any corre- If any of you so-called "editors" know any-
spondence regarding DAS SPEEDEN and Sirs: thing at all, you'll be able to tell me what's
ERNEST GOES TO THE PROCTOLOGIST. How many Shiites does it take to change a wrong with the tone of the following piece:
Ok...you got me! I held the best one back in light bulb? That's not funny. I condemn you "The morning sun sparkled through my
reserve. Ready?...SHE'S THE to death! window and warmed my face. I stretched and
SHERIFF...THE MOVIE! Hey, old TV shows Sheik E. Kareen smiled as the song of a robin tickled my ears.
are very, very hot right now. Omar's Comedy Tent & Kwik Mart It was a good day to bury my dead mother."
Barry Schmutz Qatar The clock is ticking, you know-it-alls!
One Guy Pictures Collegiate twit
Hollywood, CA Sirs: University of Buffalo
I went to the Bronx Zoo last weekend and
Sirs: saw a rare snow leopard. For a gag, I yelled, Sirs:
Back in the good old days, crucifixion was "Hey! Your shoe's untied!!" and he actually Knock! Knock!
one helluva deterrent against crime. looked! Leopards are stupid. They deserve to Who's there?
Never had another Messiah, did we?? be hunted into extinction. Christ.
Pat Buchanan Former Environmentalist ...Christ who??
New York, NY St. Peter
Sirs: Denying Christ in the form of
Is it "Dooby, dooby, do" or "Do dooby Sirs: a knock-knock joke
dooby" or "Dooby, do dooby?" Kids,...you aren't born with a vulva that
I just can't remember. hangs to the floor. You gotta earn it. Sirs:
Frank Sinatra Your overweight grandma I was only in the third grade when I first
Palm Desert ,CA Grandma's house found the Lord. But, as was the case with
other Jews, I simply beat him within an inch of
Sirs: Sirs: his life and got myself sent home for three
A Mullah walks into a bar with a pig on his Hey, ever notice that nobody names their days.
head... kid Adolf anymore? Ronnie "Butcher" Davis
That's it! Alfred Wagge President, Aryan Big Brother Program
Sheik E. Kareen Boston, MA
Omar's Comedy Tent & Kwik Mart
Qatar
cont., p. 110
true mi facts
EDITOR'S Note: A mistake made by a
transcription service mangled a quotation
MILWAUKEE—A man who lost part of
his penis in a lawn mower accident was in sat-
A VICAR choked to death on his dog collar
when a bizarre sex stunt went wrong, an
inquest has heard.
from William Bennett. In criticizing the isfactory condition Tuesday after the organ
political views of Patrick Buchanan, Mr. was grafted temporarily to his forearm until it Paul de Fortis was found naked, hanging by
Bennett said, his neck and gagged and bound by straps and
can be reattached, hospital officials said. chains hooked to his four-poster bed.
"It's a real us-and-them kind of thing," not, Chicago Tribune He had placed two mirrors to watch himself.
as we reported, "It's a real S&M kind of faithfully submitted, The 37-year old bachelor was found dead by
thing." his cousin last X'mas Eve. He had been vicar
John C. Schmitt
The New Yorker Magazine of St. Saviour's Church in Hampstead, North
faithfully submitted, London, for just four months.
Ashley Hamilton PC Brian Hobbs told the St. Pancras hear-
ing: "He was hanging by his neck from a 2ft.
V BRASILIA—Brazil's Health Ministry has length of chain attached to a cross bar posi-
dumped a name given to a "talking penis" tioned across a four-poster bed.
WANT to drive your man wild? Bake cin- used in an anti-AIDS campaign after angry "This was attached to his neck by a leather
namon buns. Neurologists at the Smell and protests from people with the same name. collar. There was a black leather mask over
Taste Treatment and Research foundation in Neutral terms such as "partner", "buddy" his face.
"He was also wearing a black leather belt
Chicago monitored penile blood flow in 25 and "ditto" would be used for the noisy geni-
around his waist. Around each ankle were
medical students as they sniffed a range of talia instead of the relatively popular name leather straps which were attached to chains
scents. Only cinnamon buns turned the men Braulio, said Lair Guerra de Macedo linked to the bed."
on. Rodrigues, coordinator of the national AIDS Verdict: misadventure
Child Magazine program. In the campaign, an actor will talk International Express
faithfully submitted, with his unseen penis about using condoms to faithfully submitted,
Ashley Hamilton prevent aids. Australian Guy
"The object of this campaign is not to come V
V up with a name for the male genitalia, but to
bring attention to the prevention and control LONDON—British travelers turned a blind
WICHITA (UPI)—It was a Valentine's eye when a couple had sex in public on a
of AIDS," she told a news conference yester-
Day to remember for a Wichita man who crowded train, but their patience snapped
day.
spent more than 12 hours with a 7 1/2 pound when the lovers rounded off their perfor-
barbell weight stuck on his erect penis. The Gazette-Montreal
mance with a cigarette in a no-smoking com-
The man told hospital workers he had faithfully submitted, partment.
decided early that morning to see if he would Matthew Treiber Prosecutor Nazir Afzal told a London court
fit into the center hole of a barbell weight. He Thursday that passengers had been stunned to
did, initially, but when he became erect, the see John Henderson, 29, and Zoe D'Arcy, 19,
man could not remove his penis. AUSTRALIA—The Australian Federation "apparently having oral sex" in the train.
The Russel Daily News of AIDS Organizations is seeking used dildos "In due course, they finished and lit up a
cigarette each," he added.
faithfully submitted, to send to Thailand and Malaysia.
"It was only on their action in lighting up
Evelyn Price It seems that when AIDS educators in some the cigarettes that the witnesses actually came
countries use carrots, corn cobs or bananas to up to them and complained about their behav-
demonstrate condom use, some people get the ior."
idea that putting a rubber on a vegetable or Los Angeles Times
A MAN who led police on a chase that banana will protect them from AIDS. faithfully submitted,
ended with several collisions on Interstate David & Terri Ostovich
Pittsburgh's OUT
Hwy. 35W in Minneapolis Wednesday is
faithfully submitted, V
expected to be charged with exposing himself
to children on three occasions last week. Joseph Forbes
The 37-year old Minneapolis man, who A MAN was convicted of voyeurism after
telling a judge he enlarged a hole in his bath-
police said was naked from the waist down room ceiling so he could watch his daughter-
and had four $1 bills pinned to his penis when in-law shower.
he was taken from his car, was in satisfactory EAGER 21-year old slut seeks barbarian
David Rogers, 49, of Bellevue, pleaded no
condition Thursday in the Hennepin County with enormous meat-axe and the will to use it contest to the charge yesterday.
Medical Center. on someone who will probably castrate him in Rogers was arrested Sunday after his
The suspect has a history of traffic and his sleep. daughter-in-law contacted local police.
indecent-exposure convictions dating back to Good Times-Sta. Cruz She told police that she was taking a shower
1974. faithfully submitted, in Rogers' home when she saw wood chips
faithfully submitted, Andy Chick caught in cobwebs above the bath. After clos-
John Robinson Failor er inspection, she noticed a hole in the ceil-
ing with an eyeball peeping through it.
V faithfully submitted,
V Bruce Ballash
ROMAN COMMIS
ENQVIRER "Lone Knifeman in

Jvlivs Caesar
AH the news that's fit to chisel Assassination"
Senator Pontivs
Maximvs Cavght
in Temple Sex
Scandal
Discovered^
m
Before disappearing into sky, calls Rome - ^ r »?a
crvcifix "The shoddiest piece of W l t h Wlffe
Senator *
work since the Venvs De Milo."
Pontivs
Jvdea - When asked how he felt, orgy
Jesvs replied: "The hell with that Maximvs
tvrn the other cheek crap. My denied today
armpits hvrt, there's holes in my that he had sex with no
feet and some
one other than his wife at
See related story, Page IV See Aliens, Page II
the recent temple orgy.
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. See Scandal,
©MCMXCVH Jeffvs Page
PillivsII
•• SPORTS
Lions Mavl Christians Pe
in Colossevm Screamer
Rome - As thovsands of citizens watched, the
*4f,
** ^0cfe/
Rome Lions clawed their way to a victory over the
Bethlehem Christians, who are now thefirstteam since
the Carthage Pvnics to lose more than three straight to
4« / / •
open the season. In theirfirstthree ovtings, the
Christians were crvshed by the Bvlls, slavghtered by S
the Bears and crvcified by the Centvrions. t
II
ALIENS - from front cover
aliens are trying to beam me vp
into their space ship... I'm a lit-
tle cranky. Jvst wait till I get
my hands on that Jvdas gvy!"
Peter, of Apostle Pvblic
Relations in Jervsalem, stated
after the event/This is the
greatest story ever told. The hot
"I can eat anything I
yovng writing team of Matthew, want withovt gaining
Mark, Lvke & John has jvst
been signed to write IV separate weight, thanks to my
drafts." He added that he handy little helper".
expected the book to be a best Too many lark's tongves? Gorged yovrself at the
seller for the next few thovsand orgy last night? Svper Model Kativs Mossivs
swears by her handy little feather. "I jvst tickle
years. the back of my throat and I'm ready for another
rovnd at the all yov can eat bvffet." The trend
"I saw him bvild a great has been catching on among glitterati and some
pair of shelves once, in have been seen at state orgies pvlling feathers of
their own ovt of gold and jewel encrvsted cases.
G a l i l e e . " - Family Friend
Scandal - from front cover Sweating profvsely, Maximvs went on to

say, "I can prove that I had III virgins, a
"They are damned lies, I tell yov."
goat, VI amphorae of mead and the pizza
Maximvs sqveaked when confronted
boy." To date, no one has come forward to
by rvmors posed by the scribes.
back vp his claims.

Latest escapade pvts horse in
Senate!? three gibbons to the jvdicial covncil of Asia
Minor, followed by the decree that all citizens
Rome - What
mvst pavse before crossing the aqvadvct and
will ovr zany
chant "Cicero, Cicero, give it to me, you silly
emperor think
little man."
of next? It all In his first vote, on the raising of the hay tax,
started when Senator Edivs voted with a resovnding
he appointed « N e i g h!" Senator Mistervs Edivs
0 lEUBMEMIMgMM3MGiIM5IBlDlI^^
1g i 1
Head- 1 vpiter ri ii
ache? I
1 S
Try 1
1
Where we make iI
Hippocrates* 1
Powdered
I
1
the sacrifice i
§
Willow Tree
Bark I for yovr good eatin! I
1
1 VII Temple of Jvpiter Way Rome
CLASSIFIEDS II Fortvne divined from innards - no extra charge 1
E [gMBJBMBIBMIBlEl^^
II
TPI
For Sale
Vsed charriot, only driven to
Collossevm on svndays r I
XXIV Wine amphorae - Top
qvality, lead lined. Exchange
"I stopped stuttering, I
for salt, olives, or HI sheep and and yvo can too, with the help of
a goat
Statve of Goddess Venvs -

the experts at the Demosthenes
Slightly damaged. Good invest-
ment. Contact Ernie DeMilo speech clinic"
Gladiator Vniform- slightly - Clavdivs
torn, only vsed once. Contact
One Armed Lvcivs
lb sds
IV
J v d e a - Another story from the far flvng edge of the

Roman Empire. Reports that the Son of God was
born to a woman in Bethlehem were discov-
nted when it was discovered that the
w^'
Son of God did not bvrst ovt of
her head or come ovt of
the sea on the half
shell.
0 [BMBMgjBMBMBJBIBMgMBMBMBMBMBMaBfBMgilg]
1I Relax in the lap of

Lvxvry at
i
1 f
1 Cato s
1
1
1 Retreat
1Take Lvxvry to back room
1
i - XX bvcks extra
I
EHBlBIBlBMBIBlBIBtBMgigigMBIBIBISlBfBfBMgiBlBtgBIBIBlB
Fish and Loaves Helper

HI Fish
II Loaves Bread ecVpe a$
Holy Water refc^ ves of**?
oa
x\ft& \>v ftsYv aw
^tn» \W Pvt fish and
\\ds otv bread in large basket.
Dovse with I cvp Holy Water.
iViovsa Stretch hands over basket. Say VI Ovr
Fathers and IV Hail Marys. Serves MMMMM

(Madonna's Baby Book

I soiled my diaper this morning. It was w a r m a n d
squishy a n d felt really good. T h e n I gave Mommy a
"'Golden Shower" while she was changing me.
I d o n ' t think
it was ^
her
mJ
tmtmto*
frlHMr W*HNC'
**1
.ter*
a
iêr€ 'if 5 ^ ^ ^
te-ttb^ V N'M^^'
C cvh

Watching a
good episode of
*Barney" really gets
me excited!
He's a
media dar-
ling even though he
can't act or sing
very well... what
kind of role model is
thafP

•Dear Mommy,
The b a b y s i t t e r
Love,
Gourdes
P
-S. What the hell *« *
1 d eS D a d
° ^ *o a n 7 W a 7 ?

I love to be STRAPPED in my car seat, immobilized and helpless.
Not in the front seat though, especially with those airbags... they scare
the p O O out of me. Ooops, I just felt the G E N T L E BUMP
of a paparazzi being run over by the limousine.
I can see the lawsuit now...HEY, THAT'S MY INHERITANCE!

- Dave Pullano

Art by Sally Brophy
[WE NEVER HAD ANY f
IN THE SUMMER Of 1959, MY ^ E DROVE THROUGH VIRGINIA,]
NEGROES IN DOG RIVER FATHER LOADED OS INTO THE TENNESSEE, ARKANSAS-ALL
WHEN I WAS A KID, FAMILY CAR. HE TOOK US DOWN TREWAYTOT£XAS.~
SOUTH TO SEE ALL THE NEGROES.
SSÎOUHR
X
CCRANING OUR NECKS
OUT THE WINDOWS TO WE ATE AT TRUCK U f l N D I ' D ASK/HEY" WHERE
WAVE TO ALL THE STOPS ALONG THE WAY.. ARE THE NEGROES?" THE TRUCK
FRIENDLY NEGROES. DRIVERS WOULD STARE AT US
AND MURMUR AMONGST THEMSELVES..
'».
*** r
V
£*• '
r x
I D START TO EXPLAIN THAT WE
WERE FROM MASSACHUSETTS- AND]
.„ANB NOW AND THEN ONE RAD COME TO DIXIE TO WATCH fLBUT MY DAD DECIDED IT
OFTHEM WOULD ASK WHERE NEGROES... , WAS BETTER
H
IF WEffUST SAID |
WE WERE FROM. LWE WERE 0N VACATION."
PW?
& '?<
^1
•• • m •
i.. •
'WHEN Wt RETURNED HOME,' I WAS "THE KID WHO
| I WAS QUITE A CELEBRITY. . STARDOMS B i n ?
HAD SEEN REM. NEGROES*
HARDER TO COME | S $ r § r 5
1
BY TODAY. «w5»a
Bfc
,-. , K & C & , J

^STMLZY MaTiS- iggffl
National Lampoon's Lemmings
Starring John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Christopher Guest and a cast of millions
Now on Video!
John Belushi and Chevy Chase Trade Punches in 1972 Classic National Lampoon's Lemmings
Nearly a quarter century ago, National Lampoon created the perfect antidote to the Woodstock Festival of Peace, Love and Life. Billed as the "Woodchuck
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characters who proudly boasted "We Are Lemmings...We Are Crazy."
For more than a year Lemmings delighted Off-Broadway audiences at die Village Gate Theater in New York with its satires of Joe Cocker, Joan Baez, Bob
Dylon and other rock and folk music icons. Who can forget John Belushi's convulsive "Joe Cocker" groveling on the floor fa: just one more slug of Jack
Daniels? Or Rhonda Culotte's starry-eyed "Joan Baez" proclaiming her solidarity with George Jackson in "Pull The Triggers, Niggers"?
And there was more—much more: Christopher Guest's "James Taylor" with his bluesy "Goodbye North Carolina, Where I Left My Frontal Lobes"; The
Motown Manifesto's call for labor solidarity, "Workers of The World, Unite"; The not-so-classic rock band, Freud, Pavlov, Adler and Young's declaration of
self destruction, "We Are Lemmings;" Megadeath, the super heavy metal band, that helped me Lemmings achieve their ultimate goal of offing themselves...
Lemmings Saved Forever!

But one night at the Village Gate was different: Someone set up a camera. We'll never know why, but because he did, that night's performance was captured
forever. There was no special lighting, just a couple of fixed cameras that caught the magic oftiiisunique event. And now Lemmings lives on in video.
National Lampoon's Lemmings—available now on video. Available nowhere else. There's no fancy box, because it's the magic of Belushi, Chase & Guest
that makes Uiis a true collectors' edition. Lemmings—it's a once-in-a-lifetime chance to recapture a hundred laughs—and a thousand memories of an era
that's gone forever. Order your keepsake edition today.
r Order Form: Yes! I want To off myselfwith National Lampoon's Lemmings 1

i now! I'm enclosing a check/money order for $49.95* + $4.95 shipping and handling. [
] Name:
| Address:
| City/State/Zip
*California residents add 8.25% sales tax. Send to: National Lampoon's Lemmings
10850 Wilshire Blvd., Ste. 1000 Los Angeles, CA 90024
i — — i

LAWRENCEVILLE, Va.— SAN ANTONIO (AP)—An
Two women attending a class on upset bank customer was arrested
how to be better parents were after he stripped off his clothes WILLIAMS LAKE, B.C.
arrested for fighting and expelled and quacked like a duck when his (CP)—A man who tried to liven
loan application was denied.
from the program. up a party by lighting a stick of
After his arrest, police said he dynamite and running toward his
Police say Katina W. Smith, 23,
caused $1,000 damage to a police
knocked down Gloria Jean guests lost his hand when the
vehicle by butting his head into a
Thompson, 24, just outside the window frame and kicking a dynamite exploded.
adult classroom on Nov. 20 after door. Ron Hilton and Ron Glazier
dropping off their 3-year olds at The Saskatoon Star-Phoenix were at a party with about 10
the Even Start program. faithfully submitted, other people.
Baltimore Sun Dean Schikosky "We were sitting there bored,"
faithfully submitted, Hilton said. "I guess he was feel-
J. Scott Hager V ing bad; he promised us a good
time."
V NEW YORK—For eight years, The Edmonton
Jon Allen forced a woman to faithfully submitted,
make love to him regularly by
AIR FORCE ACADEMY, Grant Thoreson
telling her that if she refused, the
Colo.—Eight Air Force Academy Mafia would kill them both.
cadets have been disciplined for A court in Rochester, New V
their involvement in a Halloween York, on Friday found Allen
party in which seven cadets tried guilty of rape, sodomy and coer- LUBBOCK, Texas—A woman
to gross one another out, officials cion. Sentencing was set for lived in an apartment with her
said. April 1. 64-year-old mother's corpse for
Among the stunts, one cadet Singapore Sunday Times five months because she thought
vomited in the face of another faithfully submitted, God might revive her, investiga-
cadet, and a third cadet ate a can- Stephen Weir tors said. God "had taken her
died apple from between the but- mother's soul out of her body so
tocks of another cadet, officials V he could repair it cell by cell"
said. Marsha Fuller, 42, told police.
SEVERAL visitors to a zoo
Investigators found that about The elder woman's decomposing
exhibit in Tennessee called
40 cadets had witnessed at least "Dinosaurs Live!" asked for body was found Sunday.
part of the performance. refunds after discovering that Orlando Sentinel
faithfully submitted, dinosaurs ceased to roam the faithfully submitted,
Unknown earth 65 million years ago. William L. Burnett
Las Vegas Sun
v faithfully submitted,
Cam LiDestri V
pg 24 • NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
The J. Peeterman Company
Owner's Manual No. 69

Summer 1997
Special
Dysfunctional White Trash
Edition

Hurtin' Fer Certain Your Mother's Diaphragm
Oh! With what precision and artful grace your father's

hand would wield it! Like a Shao Lin priest, or one of those eunuch
slave-masters in an Aladin movie at the Bijou every Sunday (when
matinees were just a nickel!). The unforgiving hot tongue of the
thick, sturdy strap as it flayed your pink, youthful buttocks into
ground round (which was just twelve cents a pound then!).
Forty three inch "waist".
Now a days, you have to fork over $125.00 to Mistress Beatrice
for a similar comeuppance, you slimy little wormy manboy (Back
then she was charging your Dad only $50.00!).
3 " wide. Dyed pigbutt with adjustable hook and loop.
Oh, those halcyon days of youthful
Sharpening stone included.
remembrances repressed. You were in the
Colors: Black or Black/Brown.
third grade and feeling queasy. Old Ms. Tate,
Brass plated rust resistant iron buckle. It still bears the marks the school nurse, sent you home in the middle
that are forever scarred upon your psyche, but here is marked down of the day where, you knew, your mommy
to the low, low... would be waiting with Jell-0 and warm
Your Father's Belt (N°. 3785F98) Graham Crackers. Only Ms. Tate forgot to call
Price: $11.99 (Includes S&H) her, and when you came in, there she was with
Mr. Ed Shumway, the milkman, and he had her
up there on the new linoleum counter and they
were rocking back and forth real hard and
Bitchin' Booties Mommy had her legs wrapped around him like
she was scared of falling or something. She
was kind of coughing and laughing at the same
time and in a bad voice that you had never
She swept into the Dixie Diner and all the dudes' eyes heard her use, she was shouting, "Fill my hot
were upon her. Moving cat-like, she passed you and headed for the love bucket with your thick cream, Farmer
restroom to get some more "protection". Ed!!!" and then she kind of rolled her eyes
The football team wait- back and fainted.
ed anxiously in their cars out-
side, horns honking. Mr. Shumway sure had no ass to speak of.
Hormones palpitating. You were hurt, confused, and you hid in
Her heels clicked like cas- the woodshed until it was time for school to be
tanets as she practically line out. Later that day you saw her putting away
danced through the place, what she had once told you was her "secret
her tiny hips swayin' hat" that she only wore for special occasions.
with the beat of A/C Had she worn it for Mr. Shumway?
D/C on the jukebox. You were so angry with her you stuck a
You never forgot her. hat pin through it.
Little denim hot pants. Big floppy cheergal sweater. Bad hat.
Years later you still wondered how she got those grass stains About a year later your little brother
clear up the backs of her heels. Cheap white polished cowskin. Timmy with no ass was bom.
Pink bows. Mr. Shumway left town, but that
Bitchin' Booties (N°. 5478H878) diaphragm can be had for a mere $4.95
(Includes lubricant and duct tape).
Sizes: Women's "Pretty Baby" through Adult.
Price: $69.95
Your Mother's Diaphragm
(N°. 4756H941)
To order Toll free To order Toll free
600-231-7354 600-231-7354
7 a.m. lo 1 a.m. (CST) 7 a.m. to 1 a.m. (CST)
FAX orders: 600-346-S472 FAX orders: 600-346-8472
Overseas need not apply, y" all. Overseas need nol apply, y' all.
In Nashville: 600-324-Elvis In Nashville: 600-324-Elvis

Uncle Bob's Pipe Your Old Dog Stinky
You were only seven, but with

hypnotherapy, it seems like last
night. The doorway to your room
cracked open and a familiar figure
was silhouetted in the piss yellow
glow of the hall light.
Uncle Bob was over for one of
his "visits". He was there, every time, waiting
The sickly sweet odor of cheap for you on the front steps when you got
dime store tobacco filled the air as home from school, his tail a'waggin',
the door closed quietly and arthritic farting happily.
He was your only friend and he
footsteps shuffled across the floor to
looked out for you unselfishly.
your bed. Remember when the postman came
Then that close smell of freshly with your report card? It could have been
backed bread. bad for you, but Stinky messed that dude
Muffled laughter from the fami- up in a big way. Righteous.
ly room where Aunty Mamie was Then the cop came and said to your
arm wrestling your father. Dad that he had to shoot Stinky or there
He'd lay his mahogany pipe on would be trouble for the family. You
your bedside table, viscous spittle cried, "Run, Stinky! Run Boy!" like in
Black Beauty.
dripping from the soggy plastic tip,
But Stinky had a bad hip from
and slide his trembling, pale and
where Dad kicked him one time (see
chubby hands beneath the warm cov- "Your Father's Klan Shoes", Page 9) and
ers. could just manage to foam at the mouth a
You're still in therapy, and bit.
Uncle Bob's long gone, but that pipe Blam! Blam!
can now be yours. Classic features You never forgot him...Well,
include mahogany veneer, pre- Stinky's back. We dug him up and he's
chewed and pre-spittled tip. available in limited edition as he is most-
ly scaggy, runny soup now.
Hermetically sealed in his own zip
Uncle Bob'Pipe (N°. 753P987) lock baggy.
Colors: Naugahyde/Teakesque
Price: $29.95 (Includes S&H) Your Old Dog Stinky
(N°. 458M864)
Price: $49.95 (Includes S&H)
Toll free To order Toll free
600-231-7354 600-231-7354
7 a.m. 10 1 a.m. (CST) 7 a.m. to I a.m. (CST)
FAX orders: 500-346-8472 FAX orders: 600-346-8472
Overseas need nol apply, y* all. Ov need noi apply, y" all.
In Nashville: 600-324-Elvis In Nashville: 600-324-Elvis

Old GI Joe Aunty Mamie's Party Dress
He was a real fightin' man. A soldier's

soldier. Until you and your little buddies
got ahold of him, that is...He would be
worth quite a lot of money as a collector's
item today, but not after he was taken pris-
oner by them dirty red commie bastards
who tortured the shit out of him in the No one knew why you had to call her
woods and left him hanging by his plastic "Aunty Mamie". She was really just an old
entrails somewhere out behind Mr. neighbor. Aunty Mamie smelled like a
Hollopeter's property. French whorehouse and swore like a sweaty
"They" bumed his whole head with a sailor. Her massive fat ass moved like a bag
butane lighter and real gasoline copped out of cats headin' for the river and her huge
of Mr. Talbert's garage until his own moth- soft blotchy bosoms pointed to the ground.
er couldn't recognize him, but he never She was very fond of your daddy.
talked. Aunty Mamie smoked menthol ciga-
Even when they gouged his eyes out rettes out of the side of her generous red
and tore his leg off just to see what it would lips and drank only vodka stingers.
look like. You lost your virginity to her at four-
Cool, What a guy. teen and it cost you ten bucks.
Even though you're now doing a dime Herpes Simplex B.
and a nickel upstate, he's still available, just Oh, yeah, the dress...
as you left him: alone, and pleading to die. Combed white poly bodice with crino-
G.I. Joe comes naked, with no rifle or line collar in labia pinque polka dots, which
fatigues (God only knows where those she just wore to death, poor dear.
went). An authentic tear in the sleeve where a
gentleman caller once got "too rough".
Old G.I. Joe (N°. 854K4852) Aunty Mamie's Party Dress (N°.
Color: Caucasian 673S867)
Sizes: Women's 6-22 (Includes S&H)
Price: $45.00 (Includes S&H) Colors: As above
Price: $99.95 (She probably paid $5.99
and got change after
blowing the clerk)
To order jp*e, "Toll free To order —=. Toll free
nm 8
600-231-7354
7 a m . io 1 a.m. (CST)
FAX orders: 600-346-8472 600-231-7354
Overseas need not apply, y* all. 7 a.m. io 1 a.m, (CST)
FAX orders: 6O0-346-S472
In Nashville: 600-324-Elvis
Overseas need noi apply, y' all.
In Nashville: 600-324-Elvis

Mr. Hollopeter's Civil War Pistol Stump Dumb
Boy howdy, that Bobby Ray never

went nowhere without that cap of his.
Whether he was pissin' Buds at the Monster
Truck Rally or just doin' his sister Debby
Sue, he always had that skeezy thang pulled
down over his greasy fool skull tighter'n a
You and the guys would stand just out- tick on a cowhead. Had a tiny head. You
could've put that boy's brain on a razor
side his property line. Flicking clove ciga- blade and it'd have looked like a pea rollin'
rettes at his ancient Plymouth and taunting down a four lane highway, some said.
his Doberman until that old man came Skoal chew. The dark stink of the pulp
steaming out onto his porch, screaming mill.
"Who the hell called the cops? Dude,
obscenities and waving that vintage Colt we was just havin' a li'l family discussion,
.45 revolver in the air. officer, and the gun accidentally went
A relic from the War Between the off..."
Who could have foreseen the tragic
States. day when Bobby Ray's rig topped that hill
He was a pathetic sight and the perfect and just narrowly missed those school chil-
target for your derisive laughter as you ran dren!
Oh, they were O.K., but Bobby Ray
away. There was a popular legend among and that International was spread out all
the neighborhood gang that he had once over Route 16 like an open faced PB and J
killed a local boy with that pistol, dragged down at Darla's Spit n' Split. Some say he
gave his life to save those kids.
him into the house, dressed him down like
Our Bobby Ray is with the sweet Lord
a four point buck and eaten his brains like Jesus now, but you can get a cap just like
sweet pudding. the one Patrolman Euly found what was left
of Bobby Ray's cranium in.
He died from a fall in his home and
Organ donor.
his dog ate him. The original was purchased at a truck
The pistol is real. Black steel, oak stop in Raleigh (Bobby Ray said he got
lucky that night - Bullllsheee - it).
stock, rusty barrel (.45 caliber). Bullets not
Poly weave-like pattern. Back strap
included. adjustable from li'l pea to daddy-redneck
Limited to stock on hand. thick, with a specially patented no-skid
sweat-soaker lining for those hot days
Mr. Hollopeter's Civil War Pistol (N°.
crossing the Great Divide.
373G974) Bobby Ray's Cap (N°. 375X563)
Price S586.87 (Includes S&H) Colors: Available in black, red, white
or blue (of course)
Price: $12.95 with fill-up
600-231-7354 600-231-7354
7 a.m. to 1 a.m. (CST) 7 a.m. to 1 a.m. (CST)
Overseas need not apply, y' all. Overseas need not apply, y' all.
In Nashville: 600-324-F.lvis In Nashville: 600-324-Elvis

Your Father's Klan Shoes Slut
Down at the mall, as usual, there were Darleen and
Darlonna Dempsey, and like always, they were tearin' each
other's hair out over that Billy Simmons. Seems that
Darleen was carryin' his baby, see? and so was Darlonna,
but Darlonna wasn't so sure it was Billy's cause it could've
been that night with Shawn (or any of the team, for that
matter). Well, turns out Darleen got this tattoo on her big
ol' butt with Billy's name on it, and it come down to some
hard blows before the cops
came and it was an hour
before they could pull 'em
apart! Smart money was on
Darleen, cause she got that
weight problem, you
know. Darlonna's just a
pick, even preggers.
You'd a sweared
You remember the sound of their
they'd sheared some
weight, thick steps angrily lurching down giant peroxide sheep;
the hallway to your room. "What the fuck there were big tufts of
Darleen's and
did you say to your mother, Boy?!!!..." and Darlonna's hair in piles
the beatings (see Your Father's Belt, page out in front of the Pixie-
Queen For Large N' Luscious
1). The stark image of them there in the
Ladies outlet.
back hall, caked in mud and smelling like That wasn't half as bad as
soot after a "Klan Bake" (he always when their mamma showed up
and started slappin' and kickin'
laughed when he called it that.)-
the mall security man, Mr.
He wore them to church every Sunday. Bharturi, for havin' called the
cops on a couple of twelve and
Steel toes. Once you saw them kick a
thirteen year old girls when they
dog so hard he puked up his entrails. was just ".. .takin' up a family
Well, now you can walk a mile in your matter, anyways."
Poppin' gum. Maybelline
father's footsteps.
Blue eye shadow #4.
Fabricated from low grade shined Stone washed. So snug Clint
pigskin and dyed black or brown. Black could read the date off the
dime in your pocket from 50 feet off-
Authentically scuffed and cracked. stage.
Neoprene oil resistant soles. White Women's and girl's sizes. Stretched
to fit.
athletic socks not optional.
Darleen's Denims (N°. 364S25)
Your Father's Klan Shoes (N°.
Sizes: XL, XXL
877B9856) Color: Very Faded Blue
Sizes: White Men's Sizes 9 - 1 6 Price: $59.95 (Includes S&H)
Colors: Black/Brown
Price: $129.95 (Includes S&H)
Please specify color preference
600-231-7354 600-231-7354
7 a.m. to I am. (CST) 7 a.m. lo I a.m. (CST)
Overseas need nol apply, y' all. Ov need not apply, y' all.
In Nashville: 600-324-Hvis 10 In Nashville: 600-324-Elvis
-Brian Williamson

Inside: The Pro
I
Reginald Denny Hills:
One Of America's Five
Toughest Courses
Playing Without Clubs:
A Common Golfing
Mistake
The Links
Country Club
Priso
na Quim:
74820 0832 65
U.S. $ £ 9 5 /
Canada $4,95 v
BEHIND THE what happened next. Can you
believe my tee shot traveled 5
example, golf courses them-
selves must be made some-
CLUBHOUSE miles, 3,257 feet? No, that fig- what larger than they are at
ure is not a typo - a golf ball present, that is true enough.
Editorial driven more than 5 miles! And But this does not appear to be
while the average golfer an insurmountable hurdle, as
H A N D I C A P P I N G THE should not expect such dra- Asia, Africa, South America
MILLENNIUM matic results, the fine people and the Indian subcontinent
at Bing unconditionally guar- are natural candidates for the
The biggest challenge golf antee in writing that anyone new, bigger PGA courses,
must face in the 21st century is using the Little Boy will add at while France seems a likely
not, as some argue, the extinc- least three miles to his tee shot test site for the Babies' Tour.
tion of entire species from the - and the numbers are even Of slightly greater concern is
overuse of pesticides and fer- more remarkable for the Fat the prospect of golf courses
tilizers on the fairway. Nor is Man! with a half-life of 700 million
it the displacement of agrarian years, given the fission-type
communities for the construc- It must be admitted, however, uranium 235 Little Boy.
tion of golf courses for the However, a number of solu-
elite. No, golf's biggest chal- tions are already being consid-
lenge in the coming millenni- ered, among them the estab-
u m is to evolve along with lishment of implosion-type,
improved equipment technol- plutonium 239-cored Fat Man-
ogy without sacrificing the only courses, which would
pastoral appeal. have a half-life of a mere
24,100 years. Other possibili-
Golf is essentially a triumph of ties include the relegation of
technological innovation: if a the Seniors' Tour to the so-
golf ball can be driven a little called "hot links", since these
farther with a modified club elder golfers are going to die
head, you can bet your tee soon. Some speculate that, in
time at Pebble Beach it will that some damage - material just 10 years' time, increasing
be. The editors of Duffer's and collateral - was incurred use of Bing clubs will have
Digest are often asked to try when I teed off with my new reduced earth itself to one of
out the latest in cutting-edge Little Boy driver: 70,000 build- the toughest sand trap and
golf club technology, and at ings destroyed or damaged, heavy water hazards in the
the lapan Open last week I had and an expected death toll of solar system. Not to worry!
the opportunity to be the first 140,000 by the end of 1997 With a Bing Matter/Anti-
to swing the latest products when the dust from that prodi- Matter wedge (under develop-
from those resourceful people gious swat will have settled; ment) Mars is an easy par 3
at Bing (who are celebrating not to mention one bear of a away.
their 50th year in business) - divot.
the Little Boy and Fat Man dri-
vers. N o w for the controversy:
namely, can the venerable
We believe these babies will game of golf survive the new-
definitely cut a few strokes off fangled Bing clubs? While
your score, but at what cost to there is no question the tech-
the game itself? nology is here to stay -there's
no way we're giving up our
I decided to use a Little Boy, Bingsl -some purists argue the
courtesy of Bing, for my tee problems they present threat-
shot on the tough, par 5 seven the sustainability of the
enth hole at the beautiful sport. We at Duffer's Digest
Hiroshima Hills Country believe they are challenging
Club. No one was ready for problems, but solvable. For
The Links At Allenwood
America's Favorite Country Club Prison
M
ention links and prison in the
same sentence and one con-
jures u p high security fences,
handcuffs and, of course, the classic
southern chain gang. But here in the
Federal Minimum security Country
Club at Allenwood, the only links to
be found are on the grounds and in
the shirt cuffs of the inmates, w h o just
happen to be some of America's most
genteel, striped collar scumbags.
O riginally m a d e famous by
Watergate
Gordon
luminaries
Liddy,
G.
Charles
"Chuck" Colson, H.R. Haldeman and
John "Fat Boy" Erlichman, the facility ^â—-
was brought back to the fore in the
eighties. It provided lodging for a
number of Wall Street inside traders,
including Ben Fuzzier, w h o went on
to join the PGA after his stints here, *Z4e £J?4f I
and at "Club Fed" in Lompoc, CA (see
"The Pro Who Was A Con"). *Z4e Jilmii...
I n addition to learning a simple
trade such as pressing pants or
institutional cooking, these former
powerbrokers spent much of their
free time on the facility's golf course,
training for the Federal Prison Golf
Association (FPGA) tour in four-
somes with monikers such as the "Jail-
birdies" and the "Ill-eagles". In fact,
many of the course's features were
donated by its former denizens.
Examples include such facilities as the
Dennis Levine Ball Washer at the
fourth hole, the John Mitchell Score
Card Lectern at the seventh, and, of
course, the H.R. Haldeman Memorial
: ^tUj/mikot \
Clubhouse, which has become nation- can ajifjond it!
ally known for its Breaking Rock
Lobster Newburg and Blue License •
Plate Specials. But don't let all this Don't waste precious time in *.
luxury fool you. Life at Allenwood is the rough. Now, military pre- '
tough. Just ask Ben Fuzzier, winner of cision can be yours, with a
the 1993 Con-Am tourney. "Hey, they private satellite, complete
refuse to light the driving range for with our exclusive
night practice and they serve red wine Ball-Trak™ technology.
with the fish sticks." Oh the inhuman-
ity!
l4fi-J?Uik £yite>ttoi
j . p.

Smashing Bal
with Edna Qui
She may be proper
but she sure ain't prim!
Y ou've got to admire the commit-
ment Edna Quim has made to
the game of golf. Last year, she
courageously fought her way back
onto the pro tour after undergoing a
double radical mastectomy in
December, 1995. "I didn't have cancer
or nothing", she explained. "They
were just getting in the way of my
swing". Although highly controver-
sial at the time, it looks like it was a
good move for Quim, who subse-
quently shot from obscurity to the top
of the standings on the 97 tour.
A lthough she is an American by

birth, Quim's European train-
ing definitely shows through.
During her junior year abroad from
Mount Holyoke College, Quim taught
the art of scrimshaw to upper class
midgets at a fancy girls school in
Scotland. It was there that she
acquired her love of golf. When the
term was over, she quit college and
decided to continue learning the
game with renowned master Argus
MacFargus, whom she married in
1986. It is this to which she attributes
her sturdy figure. "Argus liked his
women big and beefy," she noted,
"and kept me on a steady diet of hag-
gis, shepherd's pie, and whisky...But
at least I wasn't a mean drunk."
U pon her return to the States,

and after divorcing
MacFargus, Edna managed to
kick her addiction to alcohol. The
demands of the tour have filled a void
in her life and Quim has been dry for
the past year and a half. Finally
happy and at peace, Quim spends her
free time at tea dances and playing
softball with her new life partner,
Terry.

I**

America's
Toughest FORESKIN RECONSTRUCTION
THE ULTIMATE IN ASSIMILATION
Courses
Nozv I can shower at the club...
T
here is an old adage in golf that says,
"The hardest course is the one you are Thanks, Foreskin Institute!"
playing." Nevertheless, we have Nelson Palmer Lodge
recently gone out and found the actual hard- (formerly Barry Steinberg)
est courses in America. Here are the top five:
Reginald Denny Hills

South Central L.A. THE FORESKIN
The 8th hole is inside a genuine crack house.
Duffers report a major golf cart jacking prob- INSTITUTE
lem, so play in foursomes and pack your CALL 1 (600) FOR -TIPS
Glock. Be sure your golf pants are in gang
neutral colors, and never, never gesture wild-
ly on the course or the locals will think that
you're throwing signs.
Handy tip: When playing through towards Every Qhot Has
the party ahead of you, do not neglect to yell
"FoT The Perfect Lie
Lion Country Safari Hills - FL With...
One of the main hazards on this course is the
likelihood of being mauled to death by fero-
cious lions. Park Rangers are on hand with
tranquilizer guns, but can not give ail golfers
their full attention. Do not forget to tip them
The
liberally
Grizzly Bear Hills - AL

Ifs a Weed Whacker
It's the same problem as Lion Country Safari and Driver in One!
hills, except it involves grizzly bears.
Druie's White Trash Hills
Biloxi, MS
Druie and the boys don't cotton too much to
outsiders, especially them fancy college boys
with their snazzy golf carts and pretty boy
knickers. On the thirteenth hole you may Qo, you can't keep the
find yourself being ridden like a golf cart, ball on the fairway? Ifs
with a shotgun to your head. Handy tips: no problem with
Practice squealing like a pig. Note: All Jews the RUFF-BUSTER.
should shave down horns. Endorsed by the likes of
Jay "Duffer" Flannick
Three Mile Island Hills - PA and Kevin "The Slice"
The greens are blue and the fifteenth has Pierce, this club will
three holes. Long-term effects from playing take strokes off your
this course include lesions, hair loss and game and inches off
incontinence. Benefit: Offspring likely to be your hedges!
well below par.

P N \/r)-rJH\
ni a
\ \ H \r J
Keep Your Eye On

The Ball... Or Else!
"I took 7 strokes off my game and

added 3 to my cerebellum!"
- Dr. Henry Bookbinder Only From PAVLOV TECHNOLOGIES
Proven German
technology right here, at home in
America. The strong flexible shaft, in
combination with its huge responsive
head and sensitive sweet spot, will
get you to the hole in fewer strokes!
Six COMMON
GOLFING
MISTAKES
Recognizing common golf-
ing mistakes CAN improve
your game. There seem to be
a few which most golfers Now On Video
appear to share
1) GOLFING WITHOUT CLUBS
Gallagher
Perhaps the most important golfing mistake is
beginning the game without the assistance of the
ON
ever-so-important "golf club".
2) PUTTING WITH A LOAF OF FRENCH

BREAD
GOLF!
Yes!
Although French bread is very enjoyable to eat, it
makes a lousy putter. The use of French bread in America's favorite come-
golf should be limited to an after-game snack or
bashing your caddy in the tete (see #5). dian shows no mercy to the
3) POOR POSTURE sacred game of golf.
Big laughs are par for the course in this wacky video,
Never address the ball from a reclining position.
Though comfortable, your intentions could be as Gallagher putts his way into your funnybone.
misconstrued, leading to lawsuits down the road.
Video Highlights Include:
4) SHOOT ALONE! - Gallagher smashing a watermelon with a golf club
- Gallagher smashing a watermelon with a golf bag
Though it makes for a great photograph, never
have a fellow player ride you piggyback while - Gallagher smashing a watermelon with a golf shoe
you're trying to make that crucial chip shot. - Gallagher shoving a five iron up his ass
5) INAPPROPRIATE CADDIES
All this PLUS much, much more...
Never let French mimes caddy for you. It is very

Act now and
distracting and will hold up your game. For sug-
gestion on how to getridof French mimes, see #2. receive a
6) ATTEMPTING SEXUAL PENETRATION
FREE
WTIH 'THE HOLE" "I think Gallagher
'Nuffsaid is Funny" T-shirt
Call 1 (600) SMASH-IT
Was
t hasn't been an easy transition to
I the PGA tour for Ben Fuzzier. The
former securities trader and white
collar criminal spent two years at
Allenwood, followed by three years in
the federal penitentiary at Lompoc,
California, while serving a five year
sentence for insider trading. Those Former Securities Trader - Ben Fuzzier
years weren't a total waste, however.
Fuzzier spent them as a top player in personal lubricant a n d a
the FPGA, or Federal Prison Golf
Association.
Vendela poster, the latter of
which was better than real
currency in the pen. Said
Fuzzier, "At Club Fed, a
B ut all in all, Fuzzier
doesn't miss the FPGA.
"Biggest bunch of
thieving liars I ever met.
L earning to adjust to the rules on

the pro tour posted a challenge to
the m a n once known as the
"Wunderkind Of Wall Street". In his
first year on the tour he was selected to
portfolio like that could earn
you a couple of good months
as Milken's bitch, b u t o u t
here, I couldn't get my balls
S
But then again, who am I to
judge? Nevertheless, when
ou re in a foursome with
oesky, Milken
Keating, you gotta watch
and
play a skins game with veterans Lee washed for that kind of your ass...in more ways
Trevino, Arnold Palmer a n d Greg cake." than one".
Norman. To the shock of a national
television audience, Fuzzier was eject-
ed for taking off all his clothes a n d
grabbing his ankles after hitting into a
water hazard at Pebble Beach. "Yeah, in
retrospect, it was kind of embarrass- £%# tjwwtrUwatcwi ^yiecwt\J%m*ice
ing, but where I honed m y skills, the
penalties were kinda rough", Fuzzier A COMPLETE FAMILY FOR ALL YOUR SOCIAL REQUIREMENTS
said. And deadly. In his first Con-Am
Tournament with the FPGA, Fuzzler's JANE - 35-YEAR-OLD PERKY BLONDE, WEARS PEARLS AND
playing partner was shot by a guard CUTE SWEATERS. WLLL LAUGH AT ALL OF YOUR POLO
while pursuing an out-of-bounds slice. STORIES. CAN MIX A MEAN MARTINI.
It cost him his life, as well as a two- BABS - 13-YEAR-OLD HONORS STUDENT, LOVES HORSES,
stroke penalty. BALLET AND GOOD MANNERS.
CHIP - 10-YEAR-OLD BUDDING ATHLETE. EXCELS AT
SQUASH AND CREW.
O nce on the outside, there were

other adjustments to be made.
For example, in the first months
after his release, Fuzzier was shocked
by the costs of becoming a touring pro.
GRAN - 65-YEAR-OLD FORMER DEBUTANTE, WENT TO
MISS PORTER'S, DOES CHARITY WORK AND LIKES A
LITTLE NIP BEFORE DINNER.
POPPY - 68-YEAR-OLD RETIRED PRIVATE BANKER AT
WHITE SHOE FIRM. CULTIVATES ORCHIDS AND COLLECTS
He explained, "In the pen I could get a ANTIQUE DUCK DECOYS. ALSO LIKES A NIP.
damn good caddy for nothing more
than a pack of smokes." Fuzzier failed
to note that, on the other hand, purse AVAILABLE ALONE OR IN COMBINATION
money for a PGA tournament can run BY THE HOUR, DAY, WEEK OR SEASON.
into hundreds of thousands of dollars.
In contrast, as the top country club
prison pro in 1995, Fuzzier earned a CALL 1(600)BUY-WASP (DISCRETION ASSURED)
purse of imported leatherette, some
1997 Jeff Pill, Dave Pullano, Harmon Leon & Gene
LINCOLN
History is opinion or prejudice
masquerading as fact. In American
history, among the facts notoriously
distorted by prejudice are those
relating to the gender of our nation-
al leaders. Every child in school
and, indeed, many scholars of
American history, continue to
believe that our greatest presidents
were men, and that of all 42 presi-
dents, not one was a woman.
Olivia Hammer and Joanna Anfil
began the process of righting this
error in their seminal study,
"Georgina" (NEW FEMINIST
STUDIES, 3), in which the general-
ly credited gender of Washington
was thoroughly discredited. The
task was not daunting, for there
were no offspring in the "marriage"
to Martha Custis, although she was
only 26 at the time of her marriage
to "George", and had borne four
children by her first husband,
Daniel Parke Custis. As an aside,
anyone who looks at a dollar bill
must ask whether that coiffure real-

ly belonged to a male. such induction may have greater lean, muscular physique and
The case of Lincoln is more semiotic relevance than an affir- peculiar physiognomy sustained
difficult. There is the lamenta- mative (POST-DECONSTRUC- the deception (see I. Hakabe,
bly male face, the beard, and the TIONIST REVIEW, 14). "Adrenal Virilism and the
record of offspring. This impressive negative evi- Lincoln Faces, THE NEW
Nevertheless, meticulous dence is reinforced by the course DIAGNOSTICS, 6).
research has cast in doubt the and details of Lincoln's early Entering public life as a back-
most tenacious of Lincoln leg- life. Lincoln's frontier family woods lawyer and congressman,
ends, that Lincoln was a male, included many offspring. The the advantages became even
and has again affirmed the truth mother, Nancy Hanks, exhaust- more obvious. In the Senatorial
about women in leadership ed by childbearing and the rigors campaign of 1858, the memo-
roles. The producers of two of wife-and mother-hood on the rable debates with Stephen
major recording companies frontier, died at 34, when Douglas displayed Lincoln's
chose more perspicaciously than Lincoln was 9, and was succeed- acute and cogent female reason-
many supposed when they chose ed by a stepmother with three ing even as they preserved the
women to speak Lincoln's children of her own. The fami- conventional guise of maleness.
words in Copland's "A Lincoln ly, before and after the death of Given the prejudice and imper-
Portrait". Were not the review- Lincoln's mother, made many ception of the time, it is not
ers perceptive, who wrote that moves: within Kentucky; from remarkable that those few who
"Katharine Hepburn is far more Kentucky to Indiana; and from suspected Lincoln's true gender
vibrant" in reading Lincoln's Indiana to Illinois. In such fam- withheld comment. Therefore,
words "than either [Henry ilies, confusion of offspring as to contemporary records yield no
Fonda or Charlton Heston]..."? number, paternity, and gender, opinion either that Lincoln was
(Ivan March, Edward Greenfield was not uncommon (see Clodd or was not a woman.
and Robert Layton, THE PEN- and Fakeit, THE FRONTIER At this time and, indeed, until
GUIN GUIDE TO COMPACT FAMILY AS CHAOS PARA- well after the Presidential
DISCS AND CASSETTES, DIGM, University of Alaska Inauguration in March 1861,
London, 1993, pp. 290-291). Press, 1995). Lincoln was beardless. Only
The other woman reader of Young Lincoln, more correctly after she was confronted with
Lincoln on compact disc is, labeled Abraha, was early and the challenge of armed conflict
appropriately enough, Margaret erroneously regarded as a male and the need to dominate beard-
Thatcher. and, in fact, was raised as such. ed Union generals did Abraha
First of all, as Carl a Possessed of the native female Lincoln adopt the beard, which
Middlesex, in her NEH-funded intelligence to discern the was, of course, false. The
study (Advanced Studies in advantages of being a male, she deception continued to her
Sexism, 7) has pointed out, there adopted the disguise of mas- death. After the assassination
is no known contemporary evi- culinity, launching herself into there was no autopsy, for, like
dence or opinion that Lincoln more strenuous and convention- Mary Todd, the Presidential
was not a woman. Some may ally male activities—river-boat- inner circle knew the truth.
question the significance of a ing, railsplitting, wrestling— Offspring of the "marriage" to
negative induction, but as P.U. which are yet entirely within the Mary Todd being a political
Warlimont has demonstrated, capacity of a woman. Abraha's requirement, they were fathered

by a surrogate (M. Underhand, Forness, THE HISTORIANS'
"The Lincoln Children LINCOLN'S: PSEUDOHISTO-
Reconstructed", OFFSHOOT, RY, PSYCHOHISTORY, AND
2). The strain on Mary Todd HISTORY, University of Illinois
lurched to its inevitable conclu- Press [1988].
sion. Understanding the patriot- Lincoln's femaleness is evi-
ic necessity of sustaining the dent in her courageous nurtur-
appearance of a bi-gender mar- ing of the nation during its most
riage, she became increasingly devastating crisis. Resolute and
BEIJING—An elementary school
psychotic and at last, after unwavering in her ultimate pur-
teacher in southern China has been sen-
Abraha's death, completely pose (preservation of the Union tenced to two years in prison for forcing
insane. and submission of states to fed- his pupils to eat cow dung as punishment
The object of Lincoln's true eral sovereignty), Lincoln was for missed homework.
affection was Anne Rutledge, a resourceful and adaptable as Liu Deshun reportedly forced his
unigender love that Abraha only a woman could be in pur- pupils to eat cow dung on 56 occasions
never found again, and whose suing her goal of reconciling the last fall.
many antagonistic elements in Pacific Stars and Stripes
true character Anne may never
the nation. Intelligence and faithfully submitted,
have recognized. Such is the
Wm. Kirchoff IV
opinion of Lincoln's law partner wisdom under the most oppres-
in Springfield, William sive and menacing political and V
Herndon, who cites corroborat- military burdens enabled
ing contemporaries, including Lincoln to pursue the war to a IMMOKALEE, Fla.—substitute
members of Anne's family successful termination. teacher Krystal Gail Allen was fired after
(Herndon and Weike, ABRA- But there was more. parents complained that she had
HAM LINCOLN-THE TRUE described her sex life in great detail to an
Lincoln's unique female tender-
eighth-grade geography class and invited
STORY OF A GREAT LIFE). ness, compassion and gentle
students to share their own tales with her.
As for Mary Todd, "he knew humor brought considerable One student had recorded the class.
that he did not love her" and relief to a brutally intolerable Universal Press Syndicate
their marriage meant, for conflict. faithfully submitted,
Lincoln, "years of self-torture, The woman Lincoln helped Russ Gott
sacrificial pangs, and the loss preserve not only the Union but
forever of a happy home" a Union of humane values. For V
(Herndon and Weike, pp. 215). that exalted purpose, Abraha
FREDERICKSBURG, VA—Acting
Why, then, did Lincoln Lincoln sacrificed her true iden-
Principal Steven Stocker, 31, was arrest-
marry? Political necessity. An tity.
ed in January after he engaged a 9-year-
apparent male had to appear old girl in what the district attorney
with a wife, and Mary Todd - Christine Wrensh called a servant-master game. Stocker,
"was probably the most desir- Christine Wrench was a close friend ofthe servant, had allegedly kissed the
John Illo, to whom she entrusted this and
girl's feet and sucked her toes.
able woman in Springfield"
other works before her untimely death
(Charles Strozier, "Lincoln's on October 10, 1996. Universal Press Syndicate
Quest for Union, Public and faithfully submitted,
Private Meanings", in Boritt and Russ Gott
<
lb u:ed by Bernard EPlanr,
Contr
Crossword NON-JOKES
CULTURAL JETLAG-JIM SIERGEY & TOM ROBERTS
How many electricians
does it take to screw in a
light bulb? One.
5 ^ 4 f/fa you TffiED/
for
A bum said he hadn't had
OF BEIMG ACCOSTED IF UNSCRUPULOUS GUYS a bite in weeks, so I gave
him a dollar.
8¥ GUYS m BARS
WHONRffltff, 'MswmROHYPNOL
vV V
What's black and white
and red all over?
oneheads
(A.K.A. ROOFl£S" Oft 'TH6 0AT6 RAPE DRUG")
wwe ON INTO WOMENfe PRINKS W ORDER
That doesn't make sense.
THEIR TO HAVE THEIR WAY WITH THEM, What do you call a guy
MItfBS with no arms or legs at
ACROSS the sideshow?
WHY CANT WOMEN 1. Tell _ to the
Marines.
The Human Torso.
What do you get when
USE THE SAME DOWN

2. Tell it
Marines.
the
you cross a rat with a
butter churn?
Nothing. You can't cross
APPROACH?, CORRECTIONS
a rat with a butter churn.
In the article "How to Overthrow the Government", it should have read. "Make sure
you are UPWIND from poisonous gas attacks". Not downwind.
In the article "Parenting with "Mad Dog' Houlihan", it should have read, "babies
should be carried in PLASTIC BAGS'". Not bassinets.
In the previous correction, that should have read. "NOT carried in plastic bags".
SPLEEN apologizes for any inconvenience.
ARE rou mxx&mxDEPPAVED?

"JIM SIERGEY'S & TOM ROBERTS' CULTURAL JET LAG
... GOES BEYOND STRICTLY COMIC ART, STRETCHING
INTO THE REALMS OF PHILOSOPHY AND POLITICS TO
FORCE HIGHBROWS AND LOWBROWS TO SWIM IN THE
SAME POOL." —AARON COHEN, NEW CITY
"NOTHING FROM MEDIA TO MALLS TO PHONEY BON
VIVANTS ESCAPES THESE GUYS. WHO ARE BOTH
HIGHLY AND LOWLY CULTURED. GREAT STUFF!
—FACTSHEET FIVE
"I LOVEPZULTW.(\\. JET LAG..."
—CLA YGEERDES, COMIX WAVE
9cnd $Z
Tom Roberts
S 2 2 S.Eaet Ave
#209
Oak Park, IL
60202
LAWRENCE OF HOLLYWOOD: THE REMAKE
I recently saw the uncut "restoration" of Sir David Lean's 1962 Oscar- winning Lawrence of Arabia, all
3 1/2 hours of it. This World War One desert epic, years in the making, introduced Peter O'Toole as
Lawrence, and featured Omar Sharif, Anthony Quinn, Alec Guinness, Jose Ferrer, Jack Hawkins, Claude
Rains and other great actors. No actresses appear. You see, in those days war was the exclusive province
of men. So, aside from a few scenes depicting Bedouin women lolling submissively under tents, or
perched on rocks ululating their menfolk off to war, the production is pure testosterone.
That—and much more—will have to change when Hollywood remakes Lawrence, which of course they
will. After all, it is a classic; and the movie business never can resist improving upon classics. But even
a surefire blockbuster like Lawrence II must be updated to current industry specs before Dollar One is
spent. What will they change? Check out this top secret pre-production memo leaked by an insider from
a major studio!
EGREGIOUS AND KATHIE LEE STUDIOS

To: [NAME DELETED]
From: [NAME DELETED]
Date: [RECENT DATE DELETED]
Subject: Lawrence of Arabia remake
[NICKNAME DELETED] Baby,
Here's Development's latest take on the Lawrence project:
A Make the history more audience-relevant. Nobody in our target audience has
ever heard of this "World War One". But the Middle East is hot, so Lawrence
(Kevin Costner, Tom Hanks, Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford) is a cru-
sading ecologist fighting fundamentalist Iraqis bent on controlling the world's
oil and drug supply. We don't kill Lawrence (Kurt Russell, Bob Redford,
Arnold, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis), but leave things open for the
sequel, Lawrence HI, which will pit Lawrence (Jeff or Beau Bridges, Brad Pitt,
Dustin Hoffman, Keaneau Reeves, Sly Stallone) against the Iranians.
A Beef up the female element. Today's women audiences demand strong

women role models up on the screen. So we give Lawrence (Michael Douglas,
Nicholas Cage, Bob Hoskins, Gerard Depardieu, Sidney Poitier) a pair of female
partners: Bright, attractive straight-shooting, kickboxing, wisecracking Ph.D.
anthropologists (Geena Davis & Cher, Roseann & Rosanna Arquette, Iman &
Goldie Hawn, Sandra Bernhardt & Debra Winger, Tonya Harding & Dee Dee
Myers).
A We can't completely rewrite a history and actually make Lawrence a woman.

But we could push the envelope and cast Linda Hunt, Glenn Close, Connie
Chung, Lola Falana, Raquel Welch or Julia Child in military drag to boost
female attendance. Great for PR and cross promotions, too!
A Update the Sex: The original Lawrence had clear homoerotic undercurrents,
but Research insists that male bonding ain't sexy enough for today's market! We
need something that's more mainstream, socko, and explicit, like:
• Lawrence (Bobby De Niro, Terry Stamp, Jerry Irons, Don Johnson, Benny
Kingsley, Fabio) dallies with a seductive British nurse (Julia Roberts, Jodie
Foster, Shari Belafonte, Marlee Matlin, Sharon Stone, Meg Ryan) while on leave
in Cairo.
• Lawrence (Sting, Danny Glover, Clint Eastwood, Denzel Washington, Joe

Pesci, Billy Crystal, Dolph Lundgren, Wayne Newton) discovers that Prince
Faisal is really a princess (Daryl Hannah, Madonna, Charo, Shirley MacLaine,
Liza Minnelli, Vanna White, Ivana Trump, Whoopi Goldberg).
• Lawrence (Sean Penn, Wilford Brimley, Charles Durning, Chevy Chase, Don
Ho, Pauly Shore, Luke Perry, Michael Jackson, Jack Lemmon, Andrew Dice
Clay, Phil Donahue, Phil Rizzuto) takes Baghdad and captures Saddam (playing
himself)—only to fall in love with the dictator's slinky daughter (Cindy
Crawford, Courtney Love, Kathy Bates, Patty Duke, Queen Latifa, Anjelica
Huston, Bette Midler, Michelle Pfeiffer, Gennifer Flowers, Sally Jessie Rafael,
Flo Jo, Rosemary Clooney, Satcheen Littlefeather, Heidi Fleiss).
A Special Effects and Makeup: I'm beginning to smell Oscar here! In the old
version, the horror of war came from depth of character and historical believ-
ability, conveyed by the brilliance of the script, direction, and acting. Of course,
we won't have that to work with. But so what? We still have the world's best
special effects experts in our corner! And today's viewers crave realistic sav-
agery above all other cinematic values. We replace Sir David's polite little "cat-
sup violence" with graphically spurting blood geysers, high-definition brain-
and-intestine-splattering—maybe even morph in a couple dozen grotesque muti-
lations. The more the better; and thank God you and I have points in this pic!
A Music: That old time cornball symphonic underscoring simply must go!
Today's moviegoers clamor for hip-hop, grunge, heavy metal. Our vision: A hep
sound track featuring Ice Cube, Sonic Youth, Metallica, Megadeth, Garth
Brooks—CD sales through the roof! Plus, it's a cinch to cut picture to that stuff,
since it never matters where you make the edits (Hey—what if the whole movie
is a musical? Could work!).
A Editing: No lingering on desicated desert sandscapes for whole seconds at a

time. No long, thoughtful character-revealing closeups. Lean's Lawrence is
slow as WWI in real time! And real time is real money, Babe. Instead: MTV-
style quick cuts of exotic Cairo street sex; degenerate camel drivers smoking kef
in souk alleyways; Lawrence's (Michael Keaton, Tom Brokaw, Mike Tyson, Pee
Wee Herman, Jack Nicholson, Jack Carter, Marty Landau, Barry Manilow,
Charles Bronson, Dom DeLuise, Johnny Depp, John Goodman, Sir John
Gielgud, John Travolta) blazing Uzi; Iraqi convoys exploding in slo-mo; sensu-
al dream sequences where Lawrence (Daniel Day Lewis, Leslie Nielsen, Snoop
Doggy Dogg, Tom Hulce, Donald O'Connor, Emilio Estevez, Rep. Barney
Frank (D., MA), Pat Sajak, Howard Stern, Matthew Broderick, Andre Agassi,
Regis Philbin, any Baldwin Brother) remembers his sexy British nurse (Sistah
Souljah, Meryl Streep, Susan Sarandon, Oprah Winfrey, Traci Lords, Barbara
Walters, Martina Navratilova, Uma Thurman, Barbra Streisand, Molly Yard,
Drew Barrymore, Nancy Reagan, Bella Abzug).

A We pile on even more box office clout with a heavyweight supporting cast:
SherifAli (Omar Sharif): Larry King, Ross Perot or Diana Ross
Prince Faisal (Alec Guinness): Marky Mark, Rob Reiner or Nancy Kerrigan
Gen. Allenby (Jack Hawkins): Gavin MacLoed, Gen. Colin Powell or k.d. lang
Auda the Bedouin (Anthony Quinn): Spike Lee, Billy Ray Cyrus or Pee Wee Herman
British Diplomat (Claude Rains): Chris Walken, Kato Kaelin or Darryl Strawberry
Sadistic Gay Turkish Bey (Jose Ferrer): Jerry Seinfeld, Prince or Don King.
(Note: Any of the above might also be considered for other roles, maybe even for Lawrence
himself. The main thing is to have top names associated with the project.)
A Your concern about directors is legitimate, since directors can occasionally influence some
aspects of a film's outcome. Our feeling is that either Quentin Tarantino, Penny Marshall or
(longshot) Ingmar Bergman might be bankable (Maybe all three? Hey, great promotional
angle—one director per act!).
A We don't have years for this puppy, the way Lean did. Consider the Company's cash flow,
the wobbly dollar, our stars' crammed schedules. Economics is economics. So we're looking
at maybe a week's shoot on tape, editing and computer generating of special effects overnight.
That way we go straight to home video within a couple of hours after theatrical release. Hear
those cash registers jingle!
A Script: With all the abovementioned high octane elements, I'm not sure we really need one.
Besides, 95% of the budget is earmarked for stars' salaries. Let's discuss ASAP. This afternoon
I fly to London for lunch, then to Cinecitta in Rome for a late snack, over to Tahiti in the ayem
for more pre-pro confabs. Let's meet out at the beach this weekend and hammer out the details
once and for all. We can send out for sushi. You bring the Mimosas. Hey, love ya.
— Dean Christpher
CRANNY WANTS OUT!

EEK! HELP!
C R A N N Y IS TRAPPED INSIDE YOUR
COMPUTER, A N D SHE WANTS OUT N O W !
T H I S IS PROBABLY THE MOST BIZARRE
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WITH MULTIPLE SQUISHED
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DEMANDS FOR
FREEDOM.
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TODAY BY CALLING
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OR DOWNLOAD OFF
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•FOR PCS WITH W I N D O W S
©1997 W . A . D . ENTiRPpmti. I
A Loser's Life
Once a loser, always a loser.
Not just a cliche, bucko...
for you, it's more like a credo.
Face /^...you'll never be one of the great ones, no matter

how hard you try in life. Even if you have all your life
to try! Of course, first you have to get a fucking life!
With that in mind, we present this simple chart by

which to measure "A Loser's Life", based entirely on
the achievements and deeds accomplished by famous,
successful people (unlike you, Jerk-Off) when they had
reached a similar age. All to remind you what a loser
you truly are, each and every day of your life.. .all your
life!
Enjoy!
AGE SUBJECT COMPARISON

Here it is...day One. You're born! But what's going on
here? This isn't a manger; there are no wise men, no shining
stars in the night to herald your arrival. Quick! Go back
in...hurry, hurry...too late! When it comes to birth announce-
ments, you gotta admit Jesus outdid us all. Well, you're here
anyway. Might as well make the best of it, despite your less
than spectacular entrance.
And by the way, that limo out front is for Madonna's
new-born baby. You'll be riding home on the bus with your
single, unemployed mother.
It is said Mozart conducted

his first symphony (which he also composed, naturally)
by this time. And what are people saying about you at
this age? Not much...things like, "Don't worry, when
he's ready to talk, he'll talk", "He likes to squish
worms", or "He's quite a nose picker".
Come to think of it, you're gifted with some sort
of talent yourself, aren't you?" Let's see, what is it...
belching "The Pledge of Allegiance" or some equally
attractive trait, right?
A Loser's Life
As a cigar-chomping daughter of a con man, little Tatum
O'Neal stole the movie from daddy Ryan in her feature
debut...and won a fucking Oscar! The film's setting was The
Great Depression, something which shouldn't go unnoticed by
10 you, having probably already experienced a few great ones your-

self by this early age, no doubt. A loser like you will never win an
Academy Award but, if you're lucky, you could still wind up being
a "stand-in" for Pauly Shore in Biodome II.
Little Stevie Wonder had his own Motown

Records contract and a Number One single on the
charts at this point. Oh, and he's blind, too. Suck on
that one while you're waiting for the Stridex to dry,
Loser!
This is when Brooke Shields went

off to college. Princeton, no less.
If you're an 18 year old female, stop and look at
yourself in the mirror. Take off your clothes. Check out
those curves. Now really...is that the body of an Ivy
League coed you see before you? If not, why even
18 bother with college? Surely you don't think it was

Brooke's brain that made her so popular on campus, do
you?
Another helpful hint...shave off the mustache.
You're starting to resemble her mother, Terri.
James Dean had one movie out and two in

the can when he drove his Porsche Spyder into
oblivion at this tender age. Look at you—what
movie could we expect to see starring a sap like
24 you... Loser Without A Cause? And forget about

making a splashy exit like ol' Jimbo. At this point,
you can't even afford Rent-A-Wreck, can you?
It was already over for The Beatles when Paul

McCartney hit 28. He and John Lennon had written
* ^f/A
well over 150 songs by this time and ol' Paul was
28 starting a second career as a solo artist. So what if

Ringo had more #1 solo hits and most of his later
songs were sappy pieces of shit. He had enough fame
in his first 28 years to last a lifetime. Meanwhile,
you're still trying to "discover yourself.

A Loser's Life
What's there to say? It's that Messiah guy again. Jesus
had this one all to himself. He came in big and left the same
way. Wise up—if you can't feed the masses, perform a miracle
or walk across a swimming pool on this, the eve of your mid-
life crisis, you should at least look into converting to the evan-
gelical ministry. Why, look at all the women those other big
time preachers get to meet! But your getting a date on any
given Saturday night is nothing short of a miracle in itself, is it,
Loser?
Lou Gehrig was tall, lanky and had the personali-

ty of a dead mule—but he was The Pride Of The
Yankees. True, he died a bit too soon, but at least he
got a disease named after him! You, however, couldn't
even make Pride Of Wilton Junior High 2nd Period
37 Gym Class. At this point, it's also highly unlikely you'll

ever have an illness named after you, either (unless, of
course, your parents happened to have named you
Painful Hemorrhoidal Swelling).
Donald Trump celebrated his 40th birthday

by donning a Dutch settler's outfit and buying
Manhattan. Your financial dealings are somewhat
hampered by the fact that you have absolutely no
money, no job and few employable skills. The best
you can even hope for now is a few misplaced
40 zeros spit out by a malfunctioning bank computer

onto your monthly statement. Even then, you still
couldn't get Ivana or Maria, could you? Cheer
up—if you're lucky, maybe Maria will chuck an
empty can of caviar in your direction.
He was our youngest President and had a

babe of a First Lady (still in her thirties!) shacking
up with him at the White House. Handsome, from
an affluent family to boot!
You may be just as horny as JFK, but he was
46 banging all kinds of broads, including Marilyn

Monroe. Meanwhile, you're taking your frustra-
tions out on the dog-faced check-out girl at
Safeway. See you in Dallas.
zWlMW/Y
An unknown Southwestern Indian chief first made a
name for himself at 56 when he gathered his tribe, and led
them on a campaign against the white man.
The Indian's name was Goyathlay, meaning One
Who Yawns. You have something in common with this
great leader, despite the fact that you can't even organize
the company softball team: at the mere mention of your
name around the office, everyone yawns.

A Loser's Life
The infamous rogue Casanova boasted of having been with
more than 2,500 women before he reached the age of 60. On his
deathbed, at 76, he secretly confessed that the grand total was
really closer to 1,800...give or take a few hundred. This gives
62 you approximately 14 years to pass the great lover's record.

However, as of late, you've been having enough trouble "pass-
ing" the previous night's cocktail, haven't you? Remember,
losers never age gracefully. Good
luck!
When
he left the
Office of the Presidency, Ronald
Reagan had changed the course of American history
with his conservative views and right wing policies.
If you, upon reaching this age, feel you didn't even
accomplish ten percent of the things this former
President did...good! You used this jerk as your
fucking role model? No wonder you're still such a
loser. And an old loser, at that!
Grandma Moses claimed that her artistic

success was wholly due to "never painting a
thing" until this late point in her life. Inspiring,
isn't it? Sorry, Dali —that college spring break
when you got drunk for a week and dumped
81 white paint on the heads of homeless people sort

of knocks you out of contention for this one,
doesn't it? Besides, even when it comes down to
something as simple as finger-painting, a loser
like you would still be all thumbs!
Okay, you've made it this far. You outlived

most of ;em. Makes you feel a bit less a loser, does it?
Well, lighten up. The Bible tells us Methuselah lived
to the spry old age of 969! You're nothing but a tad-
pole! Not only that, but we know The Meth Man
fathered a kid at 187! Forget it, Gramps—you had
100 trouble getting laid 80 years ago. Getting any kind of
sex at your age requires lots of luck, and
money...both of which ran out for you a long, long
time ago!
Oh, stop bitching! What are you pissing and

moaning about this time—not dying fast enough? It's
not fast enough for us, either! Go on, get outta here!
119 You're depressing us now...does that make you any

happier? Jeez, you are such a fucking baby some-
times, y'know? Grow up. Loser!
— N. Beef

true headlines
Fish unaware of clean air controversy From The New Republic
Students distribute
condoms os Pope
Students Fair Well
u n L,
lends prayer teracy Tests
Police From Anonymous
From the Foreign Post, Manila contributed by Alan Sycip
Tst signs r ^ e d by Jim R°ckwen

Marijuana From the
Bucks County Courier contn
is pet food, Mail bomb

woman says; sender may
• Prosecutors drop the "Wrrw: ide useless,
charges, but the iguana c . m e phone psychics pr
dies anyway. erroneous information 5
a
AStOCi'"
From the Associated Press contributed by Harold Coseal

^r^-~^£LJ
' T h a n k s to u c . —•
grudge
*—J *, *
VmmStaten Island Sunday Advance contributed by Dan Edie

Friday. July 22. 1988 THE NEWS JOURNAL - 3C
AREA NEWS
Pope pleads no eontest to charge of soliciting prostitute

*V EILEEN McCLELI ..* said. 'That being "
•VQE - >•
From The News Journal contributed by Todd Dillinger
wVrnc QUI
Jerking during
i^s sleep*f is natural:^t:^
QUESTION: need rm - 3 * w e e n u r
m y wife»keen- _ R y a n H a g u e ' **j»*
T h e C e d a r R a p i d s G a z e t t e : Wed.. April 29. 1592 *
From The Chicago Tribune
Expert faults criminals for crime

From The Cedar Rapids Gazette
The SECOND
OLDEST by JEFFERSON
SPRINGBOK
Comes of Age
Before you flush your money down the
toilet investing in precious metals or real
estate, you'd better save a little for the
only surefire, really hip investment left in
this bloated, glutted, inflated world of
hisrh finance.
OLD IS BEING SOLD IN SUNDAY

drive-in flea markets and hoarded by people
living below the federal poverty standard, and
silver is fast approacliing a price level where it
soon may be used as aggregate in highway con-
struction. Strategic metals that rose briefly
from the obscurity of world-atlas symbology have returned to that
obscurity. The stock market is doing little more than irritating the
anuses of those fool enough to bother with it. Real estate is about as
attractive as a bunch of office buildings. The investment arena has
gone sour. No pizzazz, no decent return on investment. And certainly
no points to be gained in bars and on the cocktail circuit. Before you
can open your mouth to boast about the 17 percent you're earning, a
second-grade schoolteacher will preempt you by talking about the 17
percent her money market is paying on the money she's saving for
a hide-a-bed. The investor who follows the traditional investment
strategies will always be a follower.
So what's left? Objects with intrinsic value, things people need and
want. And what do people want more than women and sex!
NATIONAL LAMPOON • p g T 5

In percentage of sales, oral sex accounts for nearly seven out of
Investing in Flesh ten transactions. This is the least expensive and most rapid sexual
service offered. The turnover is fantastic. It causes the least wear
v on the equipment and, at an average time expenditure of twelve
SEX. OK, TO USE THE STREET TERM. "PUSSY,"SELLS IN minutes, is the most cost efficient of all sexual services. The high
every part of the world, in every culture. It's universal. It's always end of the market produces net revenues per service far in excess
in demand. The price has always been high and is always going up. of those generated by the simple blowjob. but those revenues
It has been proven tune and time again that a man will spend his against the time input put the figure into a proper balance.
last dollar on pussy if it is presented to him. It is a powerful product Let's look at the basic equipment. A human female.
not subject to the whims of economic conditions. Sex for sale is labor intensive. You are selling your employee,
Sex, >>r pussy, has a tremendous repurchase factor. Under ideal literally. Or, more accurately, leasing her. The average working
conditions the same pussy can be sold twenty to twenty-rive times life of a whore is approximately ten years. Beginning at age
' in an eight-hour period. The marketplace regenerates itself in eighteen and continuing into the late twenties, the working life of
twenty-four to thirty-six hours. In other words, the demand is the whore is infinitely adaptable. That is to say. she can generate
constant and the commodity is renewable. In times of depression revenue in a variety < if service areas throughout her career, so that
and recession, as well as in times of growth and prosperity, pussy revenues need not drop off as the equipment ages. The value of '•
is always at a premium. Perhaps no other commodity is so free of most business equipment declines over a period of time. But a
outside influences. whore can be switched from high-end. high-glamour services to
In addition to a traditionally strong market for pussy there is the more utilitarian functions that bring a lower unit cost but a
room for massive growth. A relaxation, however slight, of the much higher volume, i.e.. intercourse versus oral sex manual
taboo on purchased sex would cause a quadrupling of demand. It is sex.
estimated that if every adult male in America bought sex just once
a week, it would generate nearly 7 billion gross dollars per week. The productive life of an individual whore is shown below.
The net on S7 billion of pussy money is about $6.4 billion—an
extraordinary rate of return on equity. Take a look at a breakdown
on a single transaction:
AGE 18
Highest- Yield Services
A $75 Blowjob V
Man-hours Expended: .257 FOR THE FIRST THREE QUARTERS OF THIS WORK YEAR
a novice prostitute can be marketed as "virginal"—that is the
Material Expenditures: highest grading a lady of the night can garner. And with that rating
TOOTHPASTE. Mot 'THWASH $00.08
I W IAL TISSUE $00.01
goes an automatic surcharge; a price can be set at whatever the
CHEWING GUM $00.05
market will bear. If she is of good to excellent physical appearance,
it is not unlikely that a fee of up to Si.000 per engagement can be
Fixed costs: sought and secured. In the good-to-fair range, 8750 is not unrea-
PERCENTAl IE OF DEPRECIATION ON PHYSICAL PLANT ... SOI.31 sonable. The fair to poor will still go for in the neighborhood of
PERCENTAGE (>F DAILY START-UP COSTS $00.73 S500 (for the virgin label and the age factor), and even a poor grade
PERCENTAGE (»F DAILY I PKEEP $02.90 will net a couple of hundred dollars. These figures will hold up. as
PERCEN1 \GE OF TRANSpi (RTAT10N COSTS $00.60
mentioned, for a good three quarters if caution is exercised and
DENTAL INSURANCE S00.15
routine maintenance is strictly enforced. In this initial stage you
PERCENTAGE OF MEDIC \l MAINTENANCE $00.85
LEGAL COSTS SOI. 32
are marketing a high-ticket item on a generally high volume for
maximum profit. Additionally, other services, viz.. oral/manual
Total Capital Expenditure S08.00 services, will command a premium price as well. It is a good
Net Profit $67.00 strategy to mix up the services and make those three quarters
hold their high yield. It is not unlikely that a fresh whore can
exceed three quarters with the virginal grading, but for purposes ences and tips. She should have sufficient oral and manual skills
of long-term earnings projections three quarters is a good base. that she can bring in big. high-volume dollars. She will also work
harder and longer than the younger whores. I ler job by this time is
a profession, and she approaches it with a good attitude and an eye
AGE 19-24 on revenue.
Highest- Yield Services
V AGE 30-Upper Bracket
AT THIS STAGE IX THE LIFE OF A PRODUCING PROS-
titute she is at her maximum earning and production rate. She will Highest- Yield Services
be fully trained and will not need the supervision a novice would V
need. Her prices will not be as high, but her volume will make up BY THIS TIME. IE SHE IS STILL IN THE INDUSTRY SHE IS
for the lower price structure. Because of her still young age and good management property. Her knowledge of the business will
what is presumed to be sound physical condition, she can work the aid her in its training phases, in career management, and in
high-profit territories—hotels, convention centers, quality clubs bookkeeping. She can be used to manage and operate sex estab-
and restaurants—where a high price can be maintained and wear lishments, handle product lines, and organize and operate dating
and tear on the physical plant is at its lowest. In an eight-hour shift and escort services. If her reputation is good and her client list is
she can generate from $3,000 to §5,000 in revenue. Deducting strong and loyal, she may continue to work and service the older
salary and benefits of from S250 to $400 will net out for the market segment, who generally spend larger sums on a more or
investor from between $2,500 and S3, 000 per day, less standard less regular basis. Her dollar output will fall, but her value in the
costs of doing business. A forty-eight-week year can be expected total industry picture is strong.
from an employee in this category, with four weeks off. Those four
weeks can be scheduled as out-of-town travel with clients, who NOW THAI" WE HAVE AN OVERVIEW OF THE INDUSTRY,
will pay for the service and cover travel expenses: so. in effect, a how does the investor fit in? First, he can set up his own network
full fifty-two-week earning year is possible. of women, hi doing this he needs expert advice and help in
selecting and maintaining a stable of working girls. It is sug-
gested that a placement service be employed to locate a
AGE 2 5 - 3 0 reputable "pimp" to help in setting up the organization. Second,
the investor can approach an established network or organization
Highest-Yield Services and participate on a money-only basis. For his capital he can
* receive a guarantee of profit. He should, however, see that books
are audited frequently and that all business is carefully monitored
THIS STAGE IS CHARACTERIZED AS THE "WORKHORSE" to avoid employee theft and the embezzlement problems that
stage of the whore s working life. Her appearance and charm have continue to plague the industry. Last, he can invest with a sex
dwindled, but not so her earning power. It means more hours and broker in a pooled capital arrangement much like the popular
more labor, but not necessarily less income. She will no longer be a money-market funds. For a minimum investment of SI,000 the
marketable quantity to the high end of the market. Price per "lay" investor receives shares equal to the number of dollars invested.
may drop to as low as $35. but an enterprising whore will tack on He is paid a monthly dividend derived from the net profits of the
"options" such as odd and unusual foreplay extras or make herself organization. Money can be invested or withdrawn without
available to nonconformist experimentation, which boosts the penalty, although there is no guarantee of the capital in the funds.
total cost of the sale and puts her back up to a profitable level. She Also very popular is the single-girl operation, where one or
can be marketed exclusively for kinky sex, those acts that main- possibly two whores are employed and funded. This saves the
stream sexuality frowns upon but for which there is a growing hassle of operating a large venture and yields a solid return with
hardcore market willing to pay top dollar to have their out-of-line a few hours invested per week. If you are willing to spend the time
desires satisfied. She can be hired out to parties or groups, for a and money, you can bring in handsome income for years. #
large rate, with the likelihood of additional revenue from refer-
— N-ATrONAL trAMTOtTN-* p g 5

picking up guys...

picking up chicks...
just picking up.

sma CK
CULTURAL JETLAG—JIM SIERGEY &TOM ROBERTS FS BOOK CO.
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Dr. K e v o r k i a n ' s
Assisted Suicide Form
[clip and save with your donor card
Name
Address
City/State/Zip
Height _Weight_ _A9e-
Sex (Don't be a smartass). Next of kin
Do you want to commit suicide? Really?.
Are you sure? Positive?
Cross your heart and hope to die?
Have you ever attempted suicide? If so, what a loser.
Do you have a fatal illness or disease? If not, why not?
Do you smoke? Mind if I smoke during the suicide?
Are you insured? If not, get out
Are you insane? Do you think I'm insane?_lf not, why not?_
You're not a lawyer, are you? Are these blanks too small?_
Would you mind riding in the back of my dirty van?
Would you mind riding in the back of my dirty van if you were
dead?
Would you mind if I stopped for coffee before I dropped off
your body?.
I hereby state that the above information is accurate and

complete to the best of my knowledge, and that it will be
FEATURING THe VOICES OF:HARV£YKf!TeL,lflW«BTieRNEy,ANfiEU8ASS£T roundly ignored.
MUSIC P f t f O M D M SKINMY PUPPY, JOE COCKER, THE POINTER SISTERS, Signature, Date
@f996 9M ! 5iEft66V
& THE INKSPOTS ! PTI ?A?£R TRANIM6 sase£ST£:) i wi& of *er*iftTOMKUNLOSL

^T^
'u0^ ptabum ttiri est s c t m u s "
lÎeaMngarM ^ntfrersttg
Final Examinations
Multicultural Inclusive Mathematics Ovular 101

Professor Ivana Kutchanutzoff
Politically Correct Physics 101

Assistant Professor Werner Vhintbagge
Ellen Braverwomyn
Clamp Hall
Rm#307

Multicultural Inclusive Mathematics Ovular 101
Professor Ivana Kutchanutzoff
True or False - Explain
1) 2+2=4
Fcase ~ I he aues+ion is bo+h exclusionary and o f tensive ~Vo numbers o~Vher "Vhan
H. AH numbers are equally deserving and^ "therefore, have "Vine right i o be H i f
i h e y wish.
2) 3 - 7 = -4
False - Associating a negative connoiaiion ~Vo any number is v a l u e i s i . T h e num-
b e r - 4 is t h e r e f o r e additionally challenged and should be considered i o be H.
Furthermore, pii+ing 3 againsi 7 i s in i+self polarizing, +hus placing i h e exploited
3 in a no win siiua+ion b y "taking away more -Vhan rV had i o begin wrVh. T h i s ec|ua-
i i o n r e p r e s e n t s American imperialist hegemoniacal ihinking and, "therefore, is
invalid.
3) 3 + 1 = 2,500,000,003
T r u e ~ The number / is phalloceniric and exclusionary and m u s i be replaced b y
t h e m a t r i a r c h a l , vagocen+ric 0. 0> f o r m e r l y having no value, now collectively
represen+s universal inclusion a ry> un'rVed, world sisterhood.
4) 1>0
False - See previous c|uesiion.
5) 250 T 50 = 5
False - T h e c|Uesiion i t s e l f is divisive, and t h e r e f o r e does n o i c o n i r i b u i e i o i h e
welfare o f i h e whole.
Fractions
6) If C = 0 and D = 1, and A = B
C(l-D)
What does D equal in terms of A, B, and C?
T h i s c|Uesiion is also divisive. Fractions are iniegerly challenged and have i h e
r i g h i +o be whole numbers i f i h e y so choose. The v^ry concept o f V h o l e num-
bers" 1 is rVs elf indicaiive o f male obsession w i i h orifices.

Word Problems
7) Mr. White and Ms. Brown each earns $50,000 per year as a manager at ABC Widget. Mr.
White has monthly expenses of $750.00 for rent, $200.00 for food, $70.00 for phone and utilities,
$200.00 for automobile and $100.00 for entertainment. Ms. Brown has monthly expenses of
$600.00 for rent, $350.00 for food, $95.00 for phone and utilities, $250.00 for day care, school
clothes and supplies, $75.00 for entertainment and $200.00 for therapy. She also has $250.00 per
month incoming from child support. At the end of the year, who has more money remaining?
Answer (Circle one):
A) They both have the same amount.

B) Ms. Brown
(CJ) Mr. White. As has been statistically proven, womyn earn 60 cents for each dollar earned
by a man. Furthermore, Ms. Brown's children's fathers are most likely deadbeat dads and can
not be counted upon for their child support payments. Finally, Ms. Brown is a victim of unfair
and sexist corporate policy in the lack of onsite company-sponsored day care and personal leave
forPMS.
Geometry
True or False - Explain
8) A square is a rectangle, but a rectangle is not a square.

False. [ h i s is an example o f geometric sizeism. The inherent woHrh o f any
geometric shape can n o i be determined or labeled b y length o f sides or angles
con+ained wrVlniri i"V. All shapes are equal ) and aWemp+s i o deny ~Vhis holistic
principle reek o f vves-Vern hierarchialisrn.
9) a) 8" > +b) 1" 7" >
True. According ô p o s i modern d e c o n s i r u c i i o n i s i "Vheo r y ; all a r r o w s are

l a + e n i symbols o f p a t r i a r c h a l hegemony and domination and t h e r e f o r e dqs^rv^
i o be bisecied.

Politically Correct Physics 101
Assistant Professor Werner Vhintbagge
1) Negatives to positives attract, but negatives to negatives or positives to positives do not -

Explain.
Boih neqaiive \o negative and posiiive -Vo posiiive are p e r f e c t l y n a i u r a l and
have ~Vhe righ~V +0 display ~Vheir a i i r a c + i o n s wi"Vh pride and wi~Vhou~V f e a r o f dis-
crimination. Additionally^ "Vhis quesiion is based on h e i e r o s e x i s i "Vheory^ does
n o i conform i o Univers'rVy speech codes and m u s i be removed from ~Vhe d e b a i e .
Your implicaiion iha"V same-pole ai-Vraciion is abnormal smacks o f poloplnobia)
which m u s i be r o o i e d o u i wherever i"Vs ugly head appears.
2) If Bob pushes a 50 lb boulder 300 yards, what is the correct formula to measure the value of
work done, and what is that value?
All work has inherent value and dign'rVy^ and can no~V be ra~Ved as superior o r
inferior "Vo o~Vher w o r k Furthermore., T h i s question erroneously assumes ~Vha"V
-Vhis i y p e o f unsklled manual work is available a i a living wage "Vo begin w i i h .
Finally^ i h e very formulation of-Vhis quesiion (i.e. DOD pushes... ) b e + r a y s "Vine
r a m p a n i sexism inherent in i h e Physics D e p i .
3) What horsepower motor is required to pull a one ton weight at a speed of twenty five
miles per hour?
T h i s c|ues+ion p e r p e i u a i e s i h e m y i h "Vhai i i is acceptable i o i h i n k o f work in
i e r m s o f ilne animals which could be exploited "Vo perform rV. The correct "Verm
is beingpower mo"Vor ; which acknowledqes "Vine equality o f humans and o+her
animals.
Astrophysics
4) What occurs when light approaches a black hole?
only is i k s c|uesiion r a c i s i AND sexisi^ b u i rV could be consirued as insen-

s i i i v e i o i h e visually challenged.
5) How much thrust in pounds per square inch is needed for a rocket with a mass of 30 tons
to penetrate the atmosphere and achieve orbit?
.1 refuse "Vo answer "Vhis c|uesiion uniil gender n e u i r a l "Verminology and designs
are in pi ace. - Jeff PIH t rom Sag*

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON • pg 65
TERRY JOHN Wilson, 53, was
charged with murder in Houston in
September when the gunman he
v <
had hired to rough up his wife's A BURBANK woman who fired FLORIDA State Prison inmate
suitor accidentally killed the man. a shotgun blast because she was Mark DeFriest pleaded guilty in
Wilson told police he had only annoyed by a noisy band held May to possession of contraband
wanted the suitor, who was a bowl- police at bay for an hour and a half when a strip search turned up
ing partner of the Wilsons, to suffer until officers complied with her DeFriest's secret hiding places,
broken arms and legs so that he demand to deliver a 50-pound bag including the inevitable plastic bag
could no longer bowl, thus becom- of rabbit food to her home, he stored in his rectum—contain-
ing less attractive to Mrs. Wilson. Burbank police said. ing $2,000 in cash, six homemade
Las Vegas Sun L.A. Times handcuff keys, seven hacksaw
faithfully submitted, faithfully submitted, . blades and 34 razor blades.
Cam LiDestri David & Terri Ostovich Arizona Republic
faithfully submitted,
V V Bill Wileynski
SO YOU think you had a bad
day? Check what happened to
WATERLOO—A shoplifter who V
forced a Hy-Vee employee at gun-
Carlos Carrasco, 24, in San
Antonio, when he and some friends point to escort him from the store SALT LAKE CITY (AP)—
ran out of booze. apparently wasn't satisfied with the Authorities say 22-year old Eric
two hams he had stolen. He Daniels was pressing his luck when
Court records say he:
returned less than an hour later he allegedly broke into Salt Lake
• Broke through the roof of a
liquor store, cutting his hand on a Sunday and tried to return the hams County Sheriff Aaron Kenrtard's
jagged edge. for cash. car and stole a briefcase, mobile
Tried to throw a bottle of Cedar Rapids Gazette phone and camera.
whiskey out the hole in the roof, faithfully submitted, But the thief went too far when
but missed. The bottle hit the floor Jerry Vander Sanden he forged one of the sheriff's
and broke, setting off the alarm. checks and cashed it at —of all
• Tried to climb out the hole, but V places—the Salt Lake City Police
fell on the broken whiskey bottle, Credit Union.
cutting his arm and leg. "I'M WAYNE Black." The Salt Lake Tribune
• Finally climbed out, but then words were tattooed across the faithfully submitted,
fell off the roof. forehead of Wayne Black, a sus- Frank Nighswonger
• Left his wallet at the scene. pected thief in Lincoln, England.
• Limped home, leaving a trail of When confronted by police, Black
blood that police followed. insisted he wasn't Wayne Black. V
Akron Beacon Journal The People (London)
faithfully submitted, faithfully submitted,
Tracy Battle Ashley Hamilton

HOW TO DO IT!
by John Hughes and Ted Mann
\ A / H O CAN DO rr? words,
^m^m You
w w l.wear a tie to work.
2 . get as much time as you
if you are a powerful
guy w h o can hire and fire,
if you:
raise a n d p r o m o t e . If you
work in the mail room or
o n the loading dock, sexual
F UCK ' E M A N D A R E ' E M If Y«U hire a woman
from another field or with a background that is not
suited to the duties she is to assume, you've got the
glans in the crevice, or, if you prefer, the foot in the door. If
the position you offer her is significantly superior to the
want for l u n c h . 3 . o w n c o m -
h a r a s s m e n t b y you is j u s t one she left, she will express great willingness t o learn. N o t
p a n y stock. 4 . o w n the c o m -
regular old rape, punishable only will her humility prepare her for your sexual ad-
pany. 5- have a p h o n e with
by law. vances, it will also help steel her for her inevitable dis-
b u t t o n s o n it . . . i n o t h e r
missal. Her gratitude to you for hiring her into so much
more i m p o r t a n t a position can be easily expressed sexually
B ASK RULES L k e
any o t h e r sport,
sexual harassment
has its rules. If you c a n n o t
abide by them and b e h a v e
she'll hate you, and the
next time someone dies
she'll just cut o u t and
have s o m e b o d y cover
for her.
if the suggestion is planted in a m e m o r a n d u m to her.
W h e n , after several days, you inform her that she is n o t
working out at her new duties, she will harbor n o resent-
m e n t toward you, blaming her o w n inabilities for the u n -
w i t h d e c o r u m a n d dignity, pleasant outcome. She will leave the firm pleased to have
t h e n you have n o right Be s u b t l e . S c r e w i n g been offered the opportunity. Be sure you express your
t a k i n g s e x u a l advantage of y o u r e m p l o y e e s may regret and write her a glowing letter of recommendation.
your employees. Behave not seem t o b e a situa- T h i s will dismiss from her mind any d o u b t s she may have
like the boss you are. t i o n calling for s u b - about your sincerity.
tlety, but it is. Betting a
I Take your time. If you

g o in t o w o r k M o n d a y
and start herding
secretary a raise t h a t
she can't d o a cartwheel
in a dress is bush. So is
IJwviCtMfmg.
000 Street Avenue
w o m e n i n t o y o u r of- p u t t i n g a silver dollar This Town, That State
fice, you're asking for a in your lap, a n n o u n c -
C h a n n e l 7 "Focus Re- ing n u d e half days, and To Whom It May Concern:
port" investigation. using double entendres Ms. Jane Doe has been acquainted
Unless you're o n your in your steno sessions. with me in the business world for
second b y p a s s , d o n ' t a period sufficient that I might
say that I can assess her abilities.
rush it. Keep it to yourself. If She is, in my estimation, a top-
notch business person. She is with-
you find o u t someone out parallel in supervisory, admin-
istrative, and management skills.
2 D o n ' t be greedy. O n e
at a time, please. Girls
talk, and if they all talk
else is playing y o u r
game, fire his butt. Dis-
courage sex in the of-
Any corporation that failed to
immediately place Ms. Doe at the
presidential level or higher would
be in dereliction of its duties to
at once, you won't get fice. It'll make you look stockholders and, if a public
any work done for the like a clean sheet and company, liable to the penalties
prevent the office from provided for such neglect of
jealous cackling. As the responsibility under federal law.
sign at t h e salad bar turning into a money-
r e a d s , "Take O n l y as losing sex party. It also Yours t r u l y .
Much as You C a n Eat!" spares you the embar-
Be reasonable. If a girl r a s s m e n t and h u m i l i -
needs the day off to go ation of working
PÎTU^L.
Executive
to a funeral, don't hold t e r r i t o r y a l r e a d y cov- Your Company
her up for hijinks. She ered by o n e of y o u r
may d o it, s u r e , b u t own men.
enjoy l o o k i n g d o w n her where she can d o some real
blouse and up her skirt, but serious d o l l a r s - a n d - c e n t s
getting m u c h further t h a n damage.
that will be very hard. If she
APPROACH: "You can think
d o e s n ' t still live with her
I'm a pig. I d o n ' t care. I
parents, she's recently mar-
can't c o n t r o l myself any-
ried and very happy. Your
more. Can I please just look
power m e a n s less t o her
at your nipples? Could I just
t h a n y o u r hairy eyebrows
press against you for a little
and dimpled belly. A lack
while?"
of career goals takes away
from your attack portfolio. OFFER: N o m o r e t h a n 4 9
percent of your outstanding
APPROACH: "I guess you're
stock.
just about the prettiest girl
in the w h o l e office. A n d THREAT: Kill yourself.
EXECUTIVE y o u ' r e o n e h e c k of a
KEYPUNCH/DATA
SECRETARY worker. I w o n d e r if y o u ' d PROCESSING
She's generally older, l i k e t o g o w i t h me t o She's at the b o t t o m of the
more experienced, married, Hawaii for a conference. I career ladder. She has aspi-
and q u i t e h a p p y . T h o u g h could sure use a hard rations but n o t enough up-
she m i g h t b e appealing worker like you out there." stairs to get there without
from an older-woman stand- y o u r h e l p . She w o n ' t w i n
point, she won't be terribly OFFER: A n e x t r a week of prizes for her b e a u t y , b u t
attractive undressed, and paid v a c a t i o n , cosign her w h a t she lacks in cheek-
she poses serious o p p o s i - a u t o l o a n , b u y her living- bones she makes up for in
tion to your advances. room f u r n i t u r e , and in- her willingness t o advance
crease her salary 15 percent. her career.
APPROACH: "You know, my
wife has been ill for some THREAT: Have her benched
APPROACH: "There's a pro-
time and I've been awfully o n the c o m p a n y softball'
m o t i o n in my p a n t s . You
tense. Do you think we could team.
want to see if you can find
go into my office a n d . . . talk?" it?"
OFFER: Her o w n adjoining You hired her because she OFFER: Promotion to "exec-
office w i t h l o c k i n g door, was attractive, so you know utive v i c e - p r e s i d e n t for
private phone lines, e x e c u - that side of the story. You keypunch cards."
tive-benefits package, a n d p r o b a b l y also k n o w t h a t
unlimited lunch period. THREAT: Promote a less sen-
she's n o t terribly b r i g h t , ior co-worker before her.
THREAT: You will add addi- and from the way her jeans
tional b u t t o n s t o her p h o n e define her vulva you know
station and include among she's not o n e to balk at a
her duties typing, copying, neck peck. W h a t you prob-
and seeing that the confer- ably aren't- aware of is that
ence room is neat. she's starving for a rich hus-
band. Your chance to score
is as good as her chance to
snare you.
EXECUTIVE
The very best in terms of APPROACH: "You know and
body and overall sexuality. I know that you k n o w . . . a r e
She can offer a taut, firm, you as horny as I am?"
meticulously m a i n t a i n e d
frame of the finest quality OFFER: Trip to Vegas for
and sex play that is imagi- New Year's, diamond ankle
native and challenging. bracelet, relaxation of rules
However, she probably concerning personal use of
won't offer it to you. You're the W A T S line, and allow- If you want her, you can
paying her a fat salary, and ing her to watch "All My have her. It isn't really sex-
her h a n d s o m e y o u n g hus- C h i l d r e n " on the con- ual harassment, though; it's
band is likely earning better ference-room TV at more like commerce.
t h a n she is, and t o g e t h e r lunchtime.
APPROACH: "Want to
GENERAL they're rich, classy, and mo- THREAT: You'll go t o per- party?"
SECRETARY bile. Any s o r t of h a n k y - sonnel and find o u t how old
p a n k y will p r o b a b l y d r i v e OFFER: $20.
She's very attractive and she is and a n n o u n c e it in
often quite young. You will her over to your competitor, the company newsletter. THREAT: Narco squad.
JT1CE DESIGN
They're your shelves; you can raise them as high as you

Consider the modern enclosed-work-station concept of of- want; and if the girls have to stand on furniture to reach
fice-space management. them, it's too had.
W9^W£-
^mMz&m
iiXz^mW ,
"' 1§6: '-£•.. \
A . Executive bathroom, for E Video recorders and K. Full-length exercise pictured)

use by you and your se- monitors mirror Q . Secret sauna entrance
lect guests G. Hide-A-Bed office couch L. Video camera activated (not pictured)
B. Two-way mirror H . Wide-angle spy lens, to by body temperature R. Masseuse
C . Perfume-activated video view undergarments of M. Video camera activated S. Rubdown table/medi-
camera employees using copy by light switch cal-examination table
D. Video camera (not pic- equipment (above) N . Video camera activated T. Shower
tured) activated by bidet I. Two-way mirror by odor U. Shower video (not
faucets (not pictured) J. Complete women's rest O. Sauna pictured)
E. Private office room/spa R Sauna video camera (not V. Exercycle
A RREST ^Viv. but it does happen. Sometimes even

guys with cool sideburns and a smooth line of patter
i get arrested for sexual h a r a s s m e n t and are issued
summonses. If this happens to you, you probably mis-
understood this article, or are just plain stupid, or possibly
the other day that women are getting a raw deal! You gotta
be kidding! That's what you get for calling a girl whose
number's scratched in a phone booth! Huh!" O r :
"I gave the gal $50, and what I got wasn't worth ten!
How the heck can you sexually harass a whore? And she
b o t h . N e v e r t h e l e s s , we shall try to save y o u . W h e n was a whore! I mean, n o decent woman would let me do
approached by the police, say: what 1 did. Not even for $50. Not even in these inflationary
"Christ! I can't believe it! You look so much like my times." O r :
brother, I can't believe it! My father died when I was two, "You know, my daughter got a speeding ticket and they
and my stepfather was [Italian, Negro, Chinese, etc.]. I was took her in and a matron made her strip and squat and
in the police academy when he died, but that's a long story. stick her fingers in her rear end. Did I run over to the sta-
Now, what's the complaint here?" O r : tion and accuse you fellas of sexual harassment? Hell, no!
"Holy cow! You're kidding! I was just saying to the guys You were doing your job. Same here. Can I buy you a
down at [O'Malley's, Scapella's, The Pink Pussy, etc.] just drink?"
G ENTLEMEN'S CODE It may h a p p e n t h a t
women you refer to other firms will generate in-
quiring phone calls. Other executives may ask you
questions like "Does she squirm a lot?" "Is she clean?"
"Does the back door open?" Inquiries such as these are
T HE COMPANY NURSE ff you don't have one,
get one. If you have one, fire her and put in a gal of
your own. A big, fishy-looking lesbian is perfect. Pay
her enough, give her enough power, and let her d o whatever
she thinks is necessary to provide for the good health of
outside the normal course of business, and a real gentle- the company personnel. If this means keeping a Polaroid
man doesn't answer them except over a lunch provided by catalog of the employees' bosoms, so be it. If she wants to
the inquisitive executive or his corporation. After a friend- bring in a physician to administer free checkups and breast
ship has been thus established it is permissible to answer exams, you won't want to stop her. Also, if she wants, let
"yes" or "no." Even today, however, modern standards pre- her keep an eye o n the girls' cycles, so you won't waste a
clude i n t i m a t e d e s c r i p t i o n s , u n l e s s h u n t i n g t r i p s are promotion or a raise on something you can't use once you
provided. get it.
HE O U T - O F - T O W N B U S W E S S TRIP R>r t h o s e C u b e s , there's the out-of- town business trip. Put her
T real hard cases with the crosses a r o u n d their

necks and the nieces and nephews in their Foto
in a miserable small city with n o t h i n g t o d o , and
wait her out.
YOU: Let's go over the mar-

keting plan once more.
SHE: I think I know it al-
ready, sir.
YOU: There isn't much to do ^
here in Kalamazoo; we
may as well work. ' - ( • • / - • : : - • •
YOU: We introduce the fab-

ric softener t o Lower
Michigan m a r k e t s , then
we...
SHE: I'm sorry, sir, but if I
hear a b o u t this market-
ing plan o n c e m o r e , I
may die. W h e n is t h i s
meeting supposed to be,
anyway?
YOU: They said they'd call.
SHE: Dang! I'm b o r e d t o
tears!
YOU: We came here on busi-

ness, Kathy.
SHE: Screw the b u s i n e s s ;
fuck me!
YOU: You always seemed so
uninterested.
SHE: If you d o n ' t shove it in
pretty quick, I'm going to
use a toilet-paper core!

STRASBOURG—Two British ly good kid who's freaking out because Tina Rae Beavers, 19, was arrested in
homosexuals pleaded before the he's in jail. I didn't realize we were liv- Great Falls after she stretched out on
European Court of Human Rights to be ing in a police state," the mother of five the grass and exposed and fondled her-
able to hurt each other for sexual grati- said. Well, Janet, now you know. self in full view of the jail where Ernie
fication without the law intervening. Second Opinion Beavers is being held, police said.
Roland Jaggard, Anthony Brown, and faithfully submitted, Newsday
Colin Laskey, were among 16 members Henry Boye faithfully submitted,
of a private club prosecuted and jailed Henry Boye
for assault after a videotape showing V
them indulging in sado- masochism fell
into the hands of the police. ATTORNEYS General in 24 states
v
They said such practices as piercing each released a "Top 10" list of frivo- HOBART, Australia—A man who
each other with needles, burning their lous lawsuits filed by convicted prison- tramped his mother to death to the Bob
flesh with hot wax and flagellation, ers in their states. Thousands of such Dylan song "One More Cup of Coffee
with the full consent of all concerned, suits are filed annually, nearly all subsi- for the Road" was let out of prison for
should be permissible under the dized by taxpayers. Here are our own a night to see his idol perform.
European human rights convention Top 3:
Allowing Richard Dickinson to
guaranteeing the right to a private life. 1. Donald Edward Beaty v. Bary. A attend Saturday's concert was the idea
Foreign Post, Manila death-row inmate sues corrections offi- of his doctors, who said he was
faithfully submitted, cials for taking away his Gameboy responding well to treatment of his
Alan Sycip electronic game. (Arizona) schizophrenia.
2. Inmate, calling himself a sports He told police at the time he thought
V fanatic, complains that, as a result of his mother was an evil character from
cruel and unusual punishment, he was the album and that the music had given
TOLEDO—A magistrate resigned forced to miss the NFL playoffs, espe- him the strength to kill her. He sprin-
after admitting he promised leniency to cially between Miami and San Diego, kled instant coffee over her body after-
a defendant if he could shampoo the San Diego and Pittsburgh, and Dallas ward.
man's hair. and San Francisco. (Arkansas)
N.J. Trentonian
District Justice Charles O. Guyer, 44, 3. Jackson v. Barton. Prisoner who faithfully submitted,
pleaded guilty to official oppression, killed five people sues after lightning Pat Ingravallo
and was ordered to forfeit the pension knocks out the prison's TV satellite
benefits accumulated in 22 years on the dish and he must watch network pro-
V
bench. grams, which he says contain violence,
Blade Wire Services profanity and other objectionable mate-
LINDA AND FREDERICK Hinrichs
faithfully submitted, rial. (Florida)
filed suit in Golden, CO, for humilia-
Ellen Avery Novak National Assoc. ofAtty. Gen. tion they suffered when a clerk at
faithfully submitted, Gateway Mazda in Aurora, CO, put a
V Ashley Hamilton derogatory name on their ownership
records that were later used for Mazda
A 16-YEAR-old boy is in jail in < mailings. So far, the couple has
Wisconsin. His crime? His mother, received two mailings from Mazda
Janet Kallas, didn't get him to take the A MONTANA woman accused of Motor Co. addressed to "Buttface
measles, mumps, and rubella shots and baring herself on a lawn for the benefit Hinrichs."
she ignored the commands from the of her jailed husband has been charged faithfully submitted,
local authorities to bring the boy in for with indecent exposure and unlawful
Marc Bona
his shots. "We are talking about a real- communications with an inmate.
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Modern readers have neither the time nor the inclination for reading entire novels, yet require the
stimulation that only great literature can provide. For them we provide this collection of meaty litera-
ture that "cuts straight to the chase" and delivers the payoff satisfaction that today's literati hunger for:
action storytelling at its heart-stopping best. Here are the last pages of outstanding works by prominent
authors who represent the finest in their genres.
Thufpitt into Paragoric's ly at her with one quiver-
meaty belly, jerking it ing hand. "Think of all we
upward and to the left could have had!"
with all her might. Esmeralda, her shapely
The huge assassin- maiden-bosom heaving
king screamed in sur- and straining against her
prised rage and pain, silken bodice with heroic
clutching at effort, broke free of his
I Esmeralda's throat in bloody grasp.
a panicked attempt "Never with thee, thou
to seize the Golden master of evil!" she hissed.
Raccoon statue and Grasping the Golden
bludgeon her with Raccoon in her graceful,
it. His twisted face purposeful hands, she
was horrible to brought the heavy metal
behold. Pulsing statue down on Paragoric's
bright red arterial blood sweaty temple, once, once
Book #1 "BRIDE OF surged onto the lush palace more, again, again, again,
PARAGORIC" bedroom rug, draining then yet again, and another
by Dirk Dark page Paragoric's vitality with time or two, until long
877 each passing, pulsing sec- after her captor had ceased
ond. to scream, ceased to
... suddenly thrust the "Bitch-fiend!" he squirm, ceased to twitch,
legendary silver dagger gasped, flailing desperate- ceased to breathe, ceased

to do anything; just plain Squaring her shoulders in Naomi, the only woman
ceased, period. Paragoric that determined way of who had ever exhausted
was now as dead as any hers, she threw open the him. But now, Hilda's glis-
evil king ever gets. doors and went forth to tening little honey-purse
A deep satisfaction crept greet her cheering people. seemed to be screaming at
into Esmeralda's whole him through her soaking
being; then disgust; then THE END leather hot-pants, take me,
exhaustion; then exhilara- oh, take me NOW! This
tion; finally, the ecstasy of was the moment he had
total release from the sinis- been fantasizing about
ter spell that had held her for three years. With a
for the five long years she I bestial cry he ripped
had resisted Paragoric. \ away her wet
Now the Golden Raccoon diaphanous peasant-
was hers, hers alone, with blouse in one powerful
all that implied. At last sweep, and Hilda's huge
someone would rule the proud hemispheres tum-
Kingdom with Serkins and bled free, shimmering
Fropkins living side by seductively in the camp-
side in peace. Oh, she fire-light. He gasped at
would have challenges the sight of all that lus-
from the Imperial Guard, cious big tanned flesh, her
from Wizard Kekkonnen, I twin lust-towers twitching-
and from Paragoric's three ly topped by prominently
hundred ambitious sons, erect cafe-con-leche guard-
but those were risks she posts. Meanwhile, Hilda
was willing to take—had Book #3 "BLACK sighed at the sheer enor-
to take. For now she was LACE PANTY LUST mousness of him, unable to
Esmeralda, Virgin Queen WEEKEND" take her eyes off it. The
of Zarbia, and monarchs By Vance R. Slint page titanic gargantuosity of his
must learn to take risks. 442 pulsing, insistent man-
"Yes," Queen Esmeralda thing turned her all weak
smiled to herself, "Yes, it ...with his throbbing and fluttery. Her whole
has been worth it, blood love-log thrashing wildly, body quivered and quaked
and all. Quite, quite worth uncontrollably, seeking its with instant, mindless
it." She let the Golden deepest satisfaction, driven desire. "Oh, PLUNGE,
Raccoon slip from her fin- by an erotic need greater Humberto," she begged.
gers onto the glistening than any that Humberto "Plunge THAT... plunge
marble floor, and turned had known in his whole that THERE!"
toward the balcony. bawdy life, even with Big They took each other

hungrily, frantically, ani- Book #4: "DEATH quarks they had," said
malistically. "My angel, CRYSTALS OF Captain Xahhhh contem-
my own," cried Humberto ZARGAX FOUR" platively, his trokhorns
as their pelvis-punishing By Jack Van Drachma, glarbering with mixed sad-
thrusts crescendoed to a Jr. ness and triumph. "It was
shattering, tumultuous, page 288 their only way out.
bone-drenching climax, Galactic suicide. They
the most devastatingly ... mammoth gleaming have escaped us into
vivid that either had ever battle-galaxy megaskipped another dimension."
experienced. "Oh yes yes a billion light years and "But not for long,"
y e s materialized in the outer troiled Princess Arthlmm,
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS atmosphere of the now- a determined look in her
SSS indeedy!" screamed incinerated Zargaxian cap- deep frath-colored
Hilda as her supple spine ital gezorns. "We'll have their
a r c h e d bacon, and soon! My staff
upward at is tracking them on the
the panoply scoposcope."
of bright stars "They tried our patience
above, as if far too long", whirred
seeking there Hrrh, the Drandian elf, a
a few final barely perceptible twinkle
drops of love- of victory beaming from
ambrosia. All his/her/their/its eyestalk.
around them "And we duly primitivized
nature was still. them! So what if Yipwif
Hilda and and his consort Thicka did
Humberto escape for the moment?
dropped into an They'll never again be a
exhausted, force to reckon with in this
peaceful, sated quadrant of the galaxy."
sleep. Tomorrow planet Duufaax. It was a
was another day. The plas- defeated, vanquished, "But they will bring evil
terer was coming, and utterly devastated planet; elsewhere. Meanwhile,
they'd need all the strength their late hated enemy. we have won the peace
they could get. There were no longer any here—but what a tragic
life readings at all; all peace it is," rejoined
THE END traces of DNA had disap- Captain Xahhhh, heaving
peared. the Greftaxian version of a
"They must have sigh. "King Yipwif and
megafaced all the macro- The Death Crystals of
Zargax Four are no more. without looking up from it all along. By his pillow
But neither are the the liquid control panel. they found the note he had
Zargaxians themselves, "It's the time/place that scrawled with his last
whom they conquered. needs us most. I also have strength. Reading it, they
Pan-galactic war is an ugly a feeling it's where we could almost hear the old
thing, Hrrh. Let's try to might find our old nemesis
trail-dog's voice:
avoid it in the future." King Yipwif."
Before his voice had fin- Guess I'm about done
"If there is a future," said
Princess Arthlmm, moving ished echoing in the giant fer. Buck, marry that little
suddenly closer to Xahhhh, control room, the enormous gal a yers afore she gits
as if for protection from the glistening battle-galaxy away. You'll find the loot
uncertainties that were cer- was halfway there. in Luke's trunk. He buried
tain to come. it out by the Gibbs place,
"Exactly. If there is one," THE END about a hunnert paces due
replied Captain Xahhhh, west a the ole
abruptly turning back to the tree. Too bad
liquid control panel, flaring Luke didn't live
the main zarkodrive up to ta face a jury,
maximum. "But for the
but I guess jus-
moment, other galaxies
need our help. Let us put tice was did with
sentiment aside, and do you drillin him
what must be done." that way, man ta
Without a sound Hrrh, the man, face taface.
Drandian elf, unstuck He had it comin',
him/her/them/itself from the durned bus-
the glekmer post and float- terd, pardon my
ed over to the appropriate french. See ya up
duty station for what in them clouds, I
he/she/they/it knew was reckon.
coming next: another intri- Book #5: "STIRRUPS
cate intergalactic hyper-
IN THE SUNSET"
thrust that would take them Old Zeke
through time and thought, By Mack Bobby Lucas
there-ward into the next page 319
"He was such a poet",
adventure. said Miss Belinda, her big
"Course, Captain?" asked ...that Old Zeke was
blue eyes moist with decent
Hrrh. dead, peacefully dead with Western tears. Buck
"Plot a course for 20th- his boots on, just the way
unhitched his gun belt, still
century Earth", said he, the old geezer had wanted

fragrant with .44 smoke things she wore. He tant hills. He thought it
and good honest frontier turned to her and for a long over. The Hawkins Gang
sweat. "I reckon so, Miss moment they stared silent- wouldn't be any trouble
Belinda", he nodded, ly into each other's eyes. any more. Thatcher and
ambushed by unfamiliar "I've been thinking, his rustlers were behind
feelings. He dropped the Buck," she started, hesi- bars for a long time to
gunbelt onto Old Zeke's tantly, "would... would come. Big Luke was dead,
nightstand with a heavy you consider staying on by Buck's own hand. Old
thud, and suddenly needed as... as foreman? This Zeke had even provided a
to look out the window, spread could use a man nice wedding present by
out across the beckoning like you." telling him where the last
purple hills, across the Buck's heart secretly of the Thompson gold was
hills he had begun to call leapt with joy. To be near buried. Was this the time
his own. He couldn't look her, to breathe the same to settle down? Was this
at Old Zeke—not yet. He cactus-scented wind she the moment to put down
owed the old man too breathed, to walk across roots and live a decent
much. He'd owed him his the same corral she walked honest frontier life with a
life more than once in the across, sidestepping the fine woman, maybe some
years they had ridden same mushy wet things kids, at his side? Buck
together. she sidestepped—this was turned and looked Miss
And now he was gone; surely the happiness that Belinda full in that pretty
all that was left of the old Old Zeke had talked about face of hers. Suddenly he
hell-raiser was that used- so often. And now that knew.
up, wrinkled carcass all happiness could be "Stay? Sure I'll stay", he
crumpled up in the bunk, Buck's...if only he could smiled. He very, very
with—of all things!—a give up his wandering, his nearly kissed her lovely
Holy Bible clutched in rambling, his constant upturned lips, but he knew
those leathery brown moving on. it was not quite time.
hands. Why, that old cuss, Miss Belinda interrupted Whoa—not just yet,
hiding his honest cowboy his reverie. "Well?" Cat thought Buck. There's
piety behind rough rodeo got your tongue? What do time enough for that sort
talk all these years! you say, Buck?" She was of thing later on; yup,
Suddenly Buck was smiling, a mocking yet enough time for romance
aware of Miss Belinda at inviting smile. Buck later on.
his side; her perfume, the looked back through the
rustling of all those lady window, out over the dis- THE END

spent artillery shells. Later like this war. Just like the
those poor dudes would be whole effin Army. Just like
removed to some final the U.S. government. Just
place, a place with no bul- like the ARVN's and their
lets, no incoming mortar puppet government. Just
rounds, no standard issue like the VC. They were all
leeches in the stinking alike. They were all part of
mud that sticks to you and the same big effin govern-
clogs up the candyass ment, as far as Phil could
clockwork of your M-16. see. After a long year in
Phil spat on the ground, hell, Phil understood that
philosophically. Yeah, the world consisted of just
for these poor grunts the two groups. One was
war was over—and so Government. He didn't
was everything else. It know exactly what you call
was so effin real it was the other one, but he knew
Zen. that he was in it, because he
Phil gathered up his sure as shit wasn't part of
Book #6: 'SHRIEK OF incendiaries and hooked no government.
BATTLE, SONG OF them back on his web belt. Phil hadn't asked for this
MOURNING" He scrambled to his feet, war, but he was in it, he
By Carl Jack Dope shouldered his weapon and thought, as he slogged clos-
page 299 walked over to where the er to the Lieutenant and
Lieutenant was checking a Sweeney. They had put him
...smoking wasteland that map with S/Sgt. Sweeney. in it. All the "theys." He
only hours earlier had been Even after what Sweeney didn't ask to get shot at, but
the gentle rice paddies of had done for him in the fox- they shot at him every day,
Phoc Thui. Up above Phil's hole, Phil still didn't like and he shot back at them
head choppers thrashed and the hardboiled lifer. He everyday, and he had no
spluttered through humid, was just too effin' smug, theidea if he'd ever hit any-
gritty air. Some were chas- way he flaunted his combat thing except that rusty old
ing VC asses back toward skills and soldierly wisdom. Buick up by Phop Thut. He
Cambodia; others were fer- Yeah, Sweeney was a gen- hadn't ever hit any of the
rying wounded GIs out to uine A-hole, Phil mused as thems from any side. And
hospital ships. Those were he walked. Look how he's all sides were trying their
the lucky ones. They'd sucking up to theeffin best to get him killed.
have clean sheets and mor- Lieutenant, pretending to It was existentially absurd,
phine tonight, maybe get to care where their next patrol and it bugged him a lot.
sneak a feel off a Navy was going.
nurse. The unlucky ones But he was getting "short"
were already in canvas In Phil's opinion, all now—so short he could
body bags, scattered among patrols were going only one hardly see over his shower
place—straight to hell. Just shoes in the morning. Less

than a month left on this Cavendish, that master of
effiri' tour. Then back inscrutability, allowed his
home, yeah, home, but to mouth to part slightly
what? Mary Lou had never at one corner.
written, and Sid said that Hughes continued
the GM plant was closing slyly, "This is where
down. Maybe he should we'll recommend the
just re-up and stay in the military lads launch
Army? Nah, no way, Jose. their nuclear attack."
Not while the Army was "But great heavens,
full of jerks like Sweeney Hughes," ejaculated
and that guy— MacLish, "We can't
Suddenly Phil was look- bomb the U.S.—they're
ing up at Sweeney, who was our closest allies!"
shouting frantically for the "That's precisely what
medics. But his words did- the other side expects us
n't seem logically connect- to think", chortled
ed. Who'd been hit? Now Hughes, attending to his
the Lieutenant was in the dwindling dottle. The
mud, shooting toward the aroma of Balkan Sobranie
tree line, over the body Book #7: "INTERNA- filled the room. Suddenly a
bags. He looked scared. TIONAL SHADOW blinding light flooded
Phil thought it was pretty WARS' MacLish's conspiracy-
effin' funny that he couldn't By Geoff Hambledon attuned brain. It was clear.
feel anything, and every- page 511 It was beyond all contro-
versy. It was too perfect.
thing seemed so effin unre-
...as Krakorkin, that wily Hughes himself was the
al. Maybe being shot was-
old spymaster, had been. mole!
n't real. Maybe nothing
was effin real. Then Phil Now Hughes meandered Why hadn't he seen it
felt the cold, and noticed across his office, sucking sooner? Now it all made
that he couldn't hear the on his old briar. He uncov- perfect sense. Federmann's
choppers any more. With ered the map that had been crumpled hire-car voucher
ironic detachment he cloaked for so long, even from East Germany—that
from the Most Secret had smelled of Sobranie.
recalled the absurd deaths
Senior Eyes in the Service. And the dummy passport
of Socrates and Babe Ruth
It was a map of Indiana). that Edgar The Pole had
and Albert Camus and lifted from the body of
knew he wasn't going This was an outrage, clear-
ly the work of a sick mind Krakorkin's hatchet-man.
home. That, too, contained micro-
in extremis. The staff
Phil smiled. "Ejf\ he exchanged shocked glances scopic traces of Sobranie-
said. but maintained calm. ash. Wigfield down at the
Throats were cleared, eye- lab had confirmed it. The
THE END brows raised. Even phone in Krakorkin's den

was redolent of that scent as "I'm afraid the jig is up, But it was already too late.
well—although Krakorkin Hughes", said Genkins, a They heard the hiss of the
never smoked! Grachler Zed-6 automatic thylohexachlorazide gas
MacLish felt cold sweat suddenly appearing in his and Hughes' sigh as he
trickle under his arms, hand. inhaled the lethal fumes.
soaking through to his "Yes, sir, it would appear He was nerve-dead before
worsted. He wondered if you have much to answer he hit the table. The others
the realization showed on for", added MacLish, scattered to avoid the dead-
his face, and whether remembering all the cherry- ly effect. Thurston
Hughes was armed. The cheeked lads Hughes had smashed open a window.
damage that bloody fool sent off to their doom. Hughes, the mole, the man
had done all these years! Instantly Hughes under- who had betrayed them,
But what brilliance of stood that he was blown. was dead in mid-smile.
tradecraft: a black African He had taken that one step Commonwealth security
communist passing all these too far, and there was no was seriously compro-
years as a Yorkshire MP's undoing it. But it had been mised, and surely it would
son! Despite himself, a great career and he regret- take decades to repair the
MacLish felt a flush of ted nothing. He smiled a damage.
admiration. What attention richly ironic smile and MacLish looked over at
to disguise, to accent, to all raised his hands high above his old partner, Genkins.
the details of English his head, the smoking pipe He looked at them all. "It
upper-class behaviour! still clenched in his faux- looks as if we've got some
Everything about his career irregular teeth. "All good work ahead of us, lads," he
had been so carefully operations must come to an said. "But let's do try to
planned and executed, end", he said in that mildly keep this on the quiet side,
down to the business of sardonic tone of his. shall we?" Genkins nod-
Miss Templeton and her "You'll admit I gave you ded. They all nodded.
swooning. chappies quite a run for They then covered Hughes'
But one simple human your money." corpse with the big strategic
vice, Hughes' weakness for As if he had just remem- map of Indiana. To a man,
Sobranie tobacco, had tum- bered the pipe in his mouth, they stiffened their upper
bled the most fiendishly Hughes casually lowered lips. Thurston rang, and
clever penetration in the one hand as if to remove it. Miss Dickworth brought in
history of international Instead he gave the stem a some tea. As the rain began
counter-espionage! brisk twist, then brutally again outside, they set
MacLish exchanged a clamped his teeth down. about the business of
glance across the table with There was a sharp high rebuilding their Service. It
Genkins, who had evidently popping noise. Instantly was the British way.
just reached the same con- MacLish knew what had
clusion. The younger man happened. THE END
rose, and he and MacLish "The pipe! Quickly there,
flanked Hughes. Genkins!" he cried, roughly -Dean Christopher
seizing his Chief's arms.

NUREMBERG COURT
FREES HITLER
All-Star Defense Teams Wins Acquittal For Former Nazi Politico
Dateline, Nuremberg, April 9, a man called 'Horst'. "Justice is verbage, nitpicking and
1997: done; and now I march for joy!" stonewalling create a climate of
Hitler clearly appreciates his such frustration and boredome that
Adolf Hitler, the controversial newfound freedom. "I owe it all to it is impossible to continue with-
little German dictator best known my defense team," the feisty 107- out risk of widespread suicide
for his brush moustache, funny year-old ex-paperhanger cried out within the courtroom.
URBAN
LEGENDS Illustrations by Rick Menard
ed to bring it back to New Hampshire After an epic struggle the bass was net-
M O D E R N URBAN LEGENDS with them. Once home, however, the ted, and the man was astonished to find
couple received a terrible shock when the fish not only in possession of his
Who starts them? Why? Are they true? they discovered the warthog was actually house keys, but wearing his pajamas as
The phenomenon of modern urban leg- a twelve-year-old Equadorian boy! well. He hired a private investigator who
uncovered a twenty-year affair between
ends is as American as apple pie with a
the sea bass and the unfortunate man's
rat in it. wife!
Now you can be an integral part of the
propagation of urban legends. Just repeat GOING THE
the following EXTRA MILE
true stories
at the local A couple is on
bar, family their first date.
reunion or After dinner, they
c h u r c h stop for cappuc-
mixer. The cinos at a drive
National thru espresso bar,
Lampoon on their way to
uncondition- lovers' lane.
ally guaran- Later, in the middle of their passion, a
tees their rapping sound is heard on the windows.
veracity. FETCH, BOY!
The man starts up the car and speeds
away. Dropping off his date at her house,
he gets out of the car and walks around to Knowing that his next door neighbor
the passenger side to open her door. At had recently borne a child, a Kent, WA
this point a young man on a motor scoot- man was shocked when "Humpy", his
er races up and screeches to a halt in front German Shepherd, arrived home with a
Feel free to
of them. "You forgot your change from dead baby in his mouth. That night, the
embellish!
the cappuccinos," he says, handing over man cleaned off the baby and returned it
Your friends
some bills and coins. to his crib. Next morning the baby's
will envy
father approached him with a very puz-
your knowl-
zled look on his face. "Strangest thing,"
edge of
he said, "I killed my wife and kids yes-
t h e
terday and buried them in the back yard.
strange
I wake up this morning and find my son's
and unusual, FISHY COINCIDENCE
and your story-
<S> body right back in his crib!"
telling ability rivaling that of Samuel While fishing from a pier in
Clemens and Will Rogers, whose head, Santa Monica, CA with his
by the way, was frozen to keep Walt lovely young wife, a newly-
Disney company when they're both wed man accidentally dropped
thawed out. his house keys into the ocean,
only to see them swallowed up
by a large sea bass as they fell
T H E VACATION through the depths. Shortly
thereafter, the couple's mar-
While in Equador, a vacationing New riage soured.
Hampshire couple became charmed with Twenty years to the day
a small warthog they had coaxed from later, the same man was fishing
the brush with tortillas. So taken were from the Santa Monica pier
they with the warthog, the couple decid- when he hooked a trophy sea WAS IT TRUE LOVE...
bass. OR JUST FOR THE HALIBUT

B U C K E T O ' SURPRISE A PENNY FOR Y O U R
THOUGHTS
As a Texas family of five ate its way
through a Colonel Mole's Bucket O' A vacationing Rhode Island man made
Mole Meal Deal with corn bread his way to the top of the
and cole slaw, the youngest Empire State Building in New
COpwB
daughter asked her mother if York. Once at the top, a native
moles can fly. Her question was New York prankster con-
prompted by what appeared to be vinced the man that tossing a
several fried bird wings, some of penny over the side brings
which the family had already eaten. good luck, and even supplied a
The entire family became violently ill penny to the naive sightseer.
and the youngest daughter eventually Imagine how sick the smart alec
died. The father successfully sued New Yorker must have felt when
the Colonel Mole's chain after an the Rhode Island man, a numisma-
FBI sting revealed it had substituted tist by trade, kept the coin, which
Kentucky Fried Chicken in the deadly he had immediately identified as a
Bucket O' Mole Meal Deal! rare Indian Head Penny worth well
over $100,000!
P H O N E PHUN
Bucket O'Mol STONED SITTER
During an appearance on The
Tonight Show, Burt Reynolds
MEAL DEAL A babysitter in Baltimore,
jokingly gave out his ex-wife's MD decided it would be OK
phone number after complaining to Jay to smoke some pot while watching a
Leno about his messy divorce. Though COMMAND PERFORMANCE family's six-month-old child. But by the
the broadcast reached over ten million time the babysitter had finished giving
people, the actress did not receive a sin- A woman is on an elevator. The door the child his bath, her judgement had
gle call. opens and a famous black basketball become extremely impaired, and she
player gets on with a huge doberman on decided to dry the baby off with the
a leash. "Sit, Lady!" the famous basket- whirling blades of the family's riding
GET O U T OF T H E HOUSE ball player commands. "I am a woman, mower!
not a dog", the woman replies. "Your
patriarchal hegemonist attitudes will not
A baby-sitter in Chicopee, MA was be tolerated here; I don't have to take it!"
terrified by a series of harassing phone Later, the ball player is hit with a twenty
calls while caring for two small children. five million dollar harassment suit
The caller kept urging the young woman through Gloria Allred's law firm.
to switch over to AT&T.
Panic stricken, the young baby-sitter
called the operator, who told her to leave SODA SURPRISE
the house immediately. The calls were
not coming from AT&T, but rather MCI! An Ohio man brought a bottle of
Coca-Cola from a vending machine
in the food court at his place of
SOUPY SURPRISE work. The man thought the Coke
tasted odd, but kept drinking it as he
A Pennsylvania woman was eating a ate lunch. Having drunk more than
can of soup she had purchased from the half the Coke, he observed
local A&P when she noticed tiny paws what appeared to be the
preserved carcass of a
poking up through the liquid. She was mouse-like creature float-
disgusted to find the paws attached to ing in the soda. The man
what appeared to be the decomposed car- fell violently ill and sued the
cass of a mouse-like creature. The owners of the food court
woman immediately vomited and fell and vending service.
But an insurance
violently ill for over a week. She sued the
investigation proved
A&P and the soup's maker, but an FDA the selection
investigation proved the woman had pur- button on the
chased a can of perfectly legal m a c h i n e <^>
"Campbell's Cream of Mole with was clearly ^
Mushrooms" / labeled not "
"Coca-Cola", „ .-,
after all, but G &
"Dr. Mole"!
rmina
Air freig!
Parking
i wandair's home terminal, near Kigali, covers forty-two square miles and features
separate customs, airfreight, postal, and domestic and international buildings.
1 Flagship of the Rwandair fleet is this Boeing 747B, soon to be fitted with an ad-
vanced inertial navigation system if the World Development Bank approves Rwanda's
offer of its 1980 jute crop as payment. Departing Rwandair passengers can browse in a
unique outdoor duty-free shop stocked with jute sandals, jute wallets, jute coasters, and
many brands of chewing gum.
A
board Rwandair's popular Kigali-Bujumbura-Dar Es
Salaam-Zomba-Lusaka-Luanda-Libreville-Douala Flight
000, linking Central Africa with itself, Chieftain Class passen-
gers can select exotic elephant milk cocktails, served warm, or decide
they aren't so thirsty after all. Above decks is the Ju-Jube Room (off
limits to non-Rwandans). Tribal Class passengers are discouraged
from entering the forward area by the armed steward permanently on
duty; in free moments, he will gladly bring comic books or toilet paper
for the smallest of gratuities.

A
De Havilland Comet of
Malawi Airlines' all-
jet fleet no sooner be-
comes airborne than it reveals
itself, by a slip of the adhesive
paper sign, as also a De Havilland
Comet of Lesotho Air's all-jet
fleet. Unseen here is the Air Bur-
undi logo beneath the Lesotho
Air insignia, and the Trans-Mali
sign beneath that. Each airline
gets the Comet for one week per
month. Earlier efforts to effect
the periodic name changes with
easily soluble watercolor
paints were rendered a "wash-
out," coinciding as they did with
the monsoon season. Never-
theless, the airlines' joint witch
doctor has not yet been in-
structed to conjure up a drought!

P
an Sudan International Airways' spacious VIP
Lounge at Revolution of 6 January International
Jetport, near Khartoum. Unique among the
airlines of the emerging nations in operating no equip-
ment of its own, Pan Sudan buses all departing
passengers to the Ethiopian border, where, if papers
are in order and the border is open, they can often
catch transportation to Addis Ababa for connecting
flights to the outside world. Still small enough to have a
sense of humor, Pan Sudan recently ran a fascinating
article in its in-flight magazine, Magic Carpet, chron-
icling the airline's own confusion over the whereabouts
of Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Spunce of Madison, Wiscon-
sin, who were officially listed as "in transit" between
Khartoum and Addis Ababa in July of 1971 and who
still are.
A
ll Gabon Airways stewardess Wilfred Mbonga, at your service! Wilfred, in his
smart doubleknit skirt and tunic top, epitomizes All Gabon's ingenious solution
to an old tribal taboo that not only forbids women to work but also forbids men to
do the work of women. Dressed as a woman, Wilfred passes tribal muster; he's no longer a.
man, yet he's not quite a woman either. At right, we see Wilfred's hand making "motion pic-
tures," All Gabon Airways-style, in place of an inflight movie. Short of funds? Kikunza!
Short of ingenuity? Ngobo bong!

ABSOLUTE MAPPLETHORPE
true « facts
BRICKLAYER Herminio Rivera
Couceiro, 39, was crushed to death by
a falling rock on the banks of the River
"This is a strange case," said Sgt. Al
Padilla, spokesman for the Lakewood
police.
A LAWYER in town to lecture on
sexual harassment said a man sneaked
up while she was shopping in Santa
Mino in Orense, Spain, while Rocky Mountain News Fe., N.M., pointed an instant camera up
practicing zoophilia with a hen he had faithfully submitted, he skirt and took a picture.
stolen. The pathologist said that the Peter Johnson Orange County Register
man's penis was covered in feathers. Staff
psFE]; La Gaceta (Tenerife)
faithfully submitted, V
K.Jones A WEST CHESTER, PA., urologist
reported in an issue of Medical Aspects AMMAN, Jordan—Ayed, 32, slit the
V of Human Sexuality last year that a throat of his 16-year-old sister, Kifaya.
man had checked himself into an She had been raped by a younger
NEWCASTLE, ENG.—After a five- emergency room with pain resulting brother, forced to have an abortion, and
day trial, a jury found animal rights from a swollen and apparently married off to a 50-year-old man who
campaigner Alan Cooper not guilty of lacerated scrotum. Days after the divorced her six months later.
outraging public decency in connection doctor repaired the patient's condition, "I have cleansed my family's honor,"
with charges that he masturbated a the man confided that he had been declared Ayed. The official report said
male blue nose dolphin in full view of masturbating by holding his penis the family fired weapons in the air in
a group of boaters. against the canvas drive belt of a piece celebration.
The prosecutor had produced two of machinery at work during his lunch Philadelphia Inquirer
witnesses from the boating group who hour when he leaned too close as he faithfully submitted,
said they had watched Cooper, 39, approached orgasm and suffered an Phil Milstein
masturbate the male dolphin for industrial accident. He then used a
"several minutes." heavy-duty stapling gun to close his V
Pittsburgh's Out wound.
faithfully submitted, Leo LOS ANGELES, CA—A woman
Joseph Forbes faithfully submitted, whose car rolled over in a freeway
Jon Olivito accident was attacked by a nude man
who climbed into her vehicle and tried
V to rape her while she was trapped
LAKEWOOD—A man who was inside, authorities said yesterday.
half-dressed in a gorilla suit is on the WARSAW—A philandering Pole The 22-year-old woman managed to
run after he tried to accost a woman at was rudely surprised when he took free herself from her seat belt and fend
an apartment parking lot to help him advantage of his wife's absence to visit off her attacker until police arrived, the
masturbate. a brother in Germany. Los Angeles Sheriff's Department said.
A 39-year-old woman was walking The errant husband set off in search Sheriff's deputies arrested the man,
from her car in the parking lot to her of some extramarital activity believing identified as Mark Harp, 24, as he was
apartment when she heard a man his wife had gone to stay with friends retrieving his clothes from nearby
behind her. When she turned around, in Germany where she had been bushes.
she saw an amazing sight offered a lucrative seasonal job. The The Sun (Baltimore)
"I saw this gorilla outfit," she said. sexual services he was offered were faithfully submitted,
"It was weird. It had this rubber fake being provided by his wife. Marcus A. Christian
breast in the middle of it. It looked like UPI
he bad pulled the suit down and the faithfully submitted, V
breast was placed inside so it would Staff
hang out."
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N • pg 89
...AND A MAN IN FRONT! [THE SOY'S BODY WAS ODDLY
O N E T I M E I WAS
OF ME WAS HOLDING ft PROPORTIONED, AND HIS WfllK
WALKING ALONG WAS PATHETICALLY UNGAINLY.
A BUSY SIDEWALK-. [SMALL CHILD'S HAND.
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m%4*± I WAS ASTONISHED THAT
...BUT I NOTICED THAT THEY WOULD BE SO
MAJOR BIRTH DEFECTS,] PEOPLE APPROACHING FROM]
AND I TRIED NOT TO SHAMELESSLY INSENSITIVE.
THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION
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MI II1 ID
Dateline, Hell—It was the
hottest concert ever! Last
week the Suck Our Slacks
World Tour premiere fea-
When order was restored,
the all-female group Trollops
To The Bone combined with
toddler-rockers Hell Diaper
Climaxing the show was
the "Battle of the Punks", a
musical free-for-all that pitted
the groups Pus Pie, Mink
tured the world's top under- for a spontaneous version of Penis, Burn My Face, Meat
ground groups in a wild rock the latters' hit "Don't Never Blouse, and Pukers Are
supershow as varied as it was Ever Change Me", enlivened Dreaming against
unpredictable. by simulated breast-feeding Buttworms, Attila The
The opening act, Gas followed by naps. Quaker, Glazed Cambodian
Giants, showcased Dirk Next came the show's only Doo-Doo, Lefty's Disease,
Sneer (formerly of Those major disappointment: and Crested Flatulence. The
Docile Raisins and Lunar Chemical Dependence never smashing and burning inten-
Prostate) with lead guitarist showed. Emcee Rick Lips sified all night and well into
Turk Shit, co-founder of the announced their detention at the morning. The Acoustic
original feces-rock band, U.S. Customs for unspecified Institute measured the highest
Loosen The Poo. Their violations of the International decibel levels since Krakatoa.
longish set (15 hours, 10 min- Agricultural Treaty of 1948. Strong men clawed at their
utes) consisted of only two The rap segment led off ears and swooned. Structures
tunes: the controversial tri- with DeffThrote Boyzzz, who crumbled. Ambulances
sexual anthem "Hi, Simply were quickly arrested when arrived. The Authorities
Hi!" and a 15-hour jam in the they began to take spectators' deployed water cannon and
key of E. wallets at gunpoint during phalanxes of cruel riot con-
By then the crowd was their second number trol hounds. Napalm strikes
warmed up for Mormon (Rappers Koool Snaaake were called in to take the
Tabernacle Lint, the Hisss and Doctah Nurse edge off the crowd's excite-
Indianapolis-based all-dwarf were also booked on suspi- ment. The band contest hav-
percussion sextet, who did cion of murdering Belgium). ing been judged a 10-way
two hours of complicated Follow-up acts Nass-Tee draw, survivors and escapees
whacking and tumbling (with Guyzzz and Big went out for lunch. The doe-
smoke effects and shrapnel Baaaaaaaaaaaaaad eyed folk singer with the soft
by the French Air Force). Nukkkles beat each other sav- beard and acoustic guitar
Enthusiastic audience mem- agely, to the delight of the never did get onstage.
bers joined the Lint onstage, crowd, which screamed for
and the show soon spilled out more, even after both groups -Dean Christopher
onto the street. were unconscious.
De 92 • NATIONAL LAMPOON
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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON • pg 93

BEYOND THE RIM
Unlikely Origins of Tomorrow's Taste Thrills
Culinary prophesy by Dean Christopher
[Ed. Note: The author, a semi-distinguished gourmet-like chef, is the author of several dozen cook-
ing books (Marmelades of Provence, That Versatile Plankton, and Broil It Right Now!, to name
only three). He simply loves to tell people what to eat. This piece originally appeared in Digestion
Digest.]:
T he way the world sheep snouts? Hummous and wiggly stuff from the warm surf
works, the guys with hooves? We can't even guess. of Western Mexico. At the
the most gold rule. Our planet is a-throb with other end of the counter, tradi-
That goes for food, too. wonderful people, inventive tionalists cling to yesterday's
Countries with global cloud tra- chefs, terrific flavor sensations. exotica—Szechuan beef or
ditionally dictate what's cool on But the only recipes we hear flowery Hawaiian fripperies
the world's menu. England, about usually originate in the where pork meets pineapple
France, and Spain each once power countries. under flaming torches. But in
ruled the world. So the world Consider the Pacific Rim— the main, the trendies are still
learned to love Roast Beef & the economists' way of saying firmly into Japanese chow.
Yorkshire Pudding, Coq Au Vin, "Japan." They currently have But that's today. What about
and Paella a la Valenciana. huge economic whack, so tomorrow! Whose food will
When the U.S. had the gold— Japanese food is the thing to eat. thrill the Truly Cool, who judge
remember? — everybody Sushi bars proliferate faster than food not by economics or poli-
drooled for American special- ants on overnight bacon grease. tics, but in terms of culinary
ties like Hot Dogs, Turns, and From Holly, MI to Ballinger, chic? These surprising cuisines
Velveeta. TX, they're slinging hamachi will have the "in crowd" gasp-
But who knows the food of and anago where ham 'n' eggs ing very soon!
Latvia, Paraguay, or Burkina once sizzled. Riding on Japan's SAMOAN RANCH
Faso? Can you name even one culinary coat-tails are other COOKING: Free-Range
main course being served in countries with Pacific beach- Breadfruit, lovingly rolled
Ulan Bator or Dacca? front. They get minor attention down snow-white beaches until
Anywhere in Africa? I thought from cosmopolites who wrap it's "breaded" just enough! This
not. What's for dinner tonight their buds around Filipino pulpy fruit dish, with nothing
in Saudi Arabia? Yogurt and adobo, Korean barbecue, or big else added, is simplicity itself.
Samoan chefs scorn quick-fix soned road, um, remainders. later\ The Date Line's sea food
yuppie conceits like mesquite Bracing! Wash it down with a restaurants' specialty: Surf &
grilling; they simply leave the double Pemmican Sunrise, the Surf-—so emphatically what it
dish outside for a few days to traditional grog whose ingredi- is! But whatever the cuisine,
guarantee the right serving tem- ents the natives stubbornly young lovers can make time
perature. refuse to disclose to outsiders. stand still by simply changing
•ALEUTIAN CONTINEN- They simply laugh merrily and tables every so often. Bonus:
TAL: Yes, technically Alaska is nudge one other whenever every Mditre is empowered to
on a continent, and therefore asked about it. perform marriages. Best of all,
can legitimately claim to pro- • INTERNATIONAL DATE with a dinner on The Date Line
duce a "continental" cuisine. LINE CHIC: The International you can enjoy your evening one
The northernmost member of Date Line is the longest unforti- full day before even making
the Pacific Rim, "Nature's fied restaurant district in the your reservations!
Refrigerator", is overflowing world. Savvy enterpreneurs, •TUAMOTU ARCHIPEL-
with everything needed for getting the jump on the next AGO HOME COOKING: Ifl
recently developed specialties tourism fad, have launched a this understated Pacific locale is
such as Saumon a la Exxon, flotilla of seagoing eateries. known at all, it is as "those dots
Tusk a VHuile, and Lichen/Moss Freely drifting back and forth you pass over if you miss the
Jardiniere a la Petrole. Try from tomorrow to yesterday, Marquesas", An unfair dis-
their Wilderness Grill, a tangy their Chinese restaurants offer a missal of a delightful chain of]
medley of reindeer scraps, crag feature unique in all the world: atolls noteworthy for truly
bunny, muskrat, tinned lun- only here can you eat and then relaxed "come-as-you-are" din-
cheon meat, and tundra-sea- be hungry again only 25 hours ing! Tuamotu Home Cooking

features the only cuisine based ily simply because of the geo-
THE PUNSTER'S
entirely on WWII U.S. Navy sur- graphic accident that placed it at
plus, painstakingly developed in the midpoint of the South DICTIONARY OF THE
quonset huts crammed with pro- Atlantic. Such shallow, myopic ENGLISH LANGUAGE
visions originally destined for the folk thereby deny themselves the Lexical delights to bring fresh new
Seabees. After V-J Day every- pleasure of a cuisine many meaning to some words you thought
thing was bequeathed to a local believe destined to become the you knew!
cabin boy, Pooie "Mittens" jewel in the crown of Pacific Rim
Poapoapoapoapoa, who has since dining. We herewith debunk the ADMIRE—V. To pile on additional
become the archipelago's fore- ugly myth that the Tristanians'
mud or muck
most, if only chef. The flagship main staple is penguin guano.
AEROBICS—N. Flying ball point
of his menu: Oh-Oh-Oh, an unex- This simply not so. "P.G.", as the
pected combination of Spam, pens
locals wittily refer to that hardy
water-resistant biscuit, and tuapa- AMENDS—N. Small sugar-coated
fertilizer, is, however, used as
pa leaves, gently laced with shark dressing for Kelp-And-Tussoock-nuts at Italian wedding
repellent. MR.E.'s are made for ANTAGONIZE—V. Face excruciat-
Grass Salad. But the true nation-
this! ing decision with Dad's sis
al dish, rich in tangy minerals, is a
•KAMCHATKA PENINSU- sturdy casserole that blends APHRODISIAC—N. Kenyans or
LA TRADITIONAL: You can basalt, porphyric augite, and Tanzanians feigning vertigo
very nearly hear the ping of bal- dolerite into a delectable suspen-
ARBITRATE—N. What we charge
alaikas and the thrum of the pro- sion that will stick to any for brief cameo roles
letarian masses as you dig, dig, mariner's ribs. It has not yet been
ARCANE—N. Walking stick used
dig into the pride of Kamchatkan named. by Noah
cookery, jaw-taunting Okrug Any fool can see from this mod-
ATRIUM—N. Harlem subway cele-
Grey-Brown Bread. Long est outline that the Pacific Rim is
brated in famous jazz tune
rumored a secret favorite of the destined to be a rich source ofl
AVAIL—N. 1. A piercing Jewish cry
czars, this humble loaf is the culinary trends for decades—pos-
2. A cloak or covering
mainstay of the only regional cui- sibly even eons—to come! This
BISMARCK—N. A company's
sine presumably designed we owe to the variety, the creativ-
expressly for weight loss. More logo or trade name
ity, the sheer nerve of Pacific Rim
than 70 years of secrecy cloacked chefs who offer us their inven-BLISTER—V. Gave her great ecsta-
the kitchens of Kamchatka from tions day to day, pole to pole,sy
prying Western eyes. But now from rim to shining rim. BRISKET—N. Set of ritual circum-
Glasnost, Perestroika, and Okrug cision implements
Grey-Brown Bread combine to BRUNETTE—N. Web or mesh used to snare beer or ale
provide universal access to a fla- BUCCANEER—N. A very high price for com on the cob
vor perhaps best described as BULRUSHES—N. El toro's passes at the torero
unlike almost anything". Other BUMPKIN—N. Relative of minor swelling or protruberance
Kamchatkan delicacies: Koryak BUTTRESSES—N. Long locks of hair emanating from rump area
Tan-Black Bread; Petropavlovsk BYLINE—V. To purchase a length of rope or cord
Beige-Maroon Bread; and
CABINET—N. Web or mesh used to snare taxis
Shelekhov Burnt-Sienna Bread.
CALABASH—V. To cruelly mock or deride Califomians
Are you man enough to try them
all? CANOPY—N. [Vulg.] Tin container of urine
CANTILEVER—Interrog. "May I abandon the lady?"
• TRISTAN DA CUNHA
PLANTATION: Some nay-say- CAPSTAN—V To place a small hat on Stanislaw
ers pooh-pooh this tiny island's CARCASS—V. To smooch in an automobile; to "park"
inclusion in the Pacific Rim fam- CARDAMOM—N. What to send on Mother's Day
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. JDp.an P h r i s t n n h e . r

Btj~SraAN W I L L I A M S O N ©
leese/
• \Aea^ Cheese/
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cheese-
What+he heck/i?4ha,tsfvff?

NORTH LITTLE ROCK, Ark. ume on the television set, then JOSEPH Fallat, Sr., 61, of
(AP)—A woman shot her son covered her with an afghan and Harrison City, PA., was arrested at
after he threw her Thanksgiving went to bed, police said Monday. his home for the slaying of his
ham to the floor, stomped on it Chicago Tribune wife, who police said had been
and threw the pan at her, police faithfully submitted, stabbed 219 times, and Fallat told
said.Octavia Oveton, 73, will not Tom Schlak police that he was mad about the
be charged by police because of way Florence, 50, placed food in
her age and the relatively minor V their refrigerator, hiding the milk
injuries suffered by her son, with vegetables, "and he wasn't
George. BROOKLYN CENTER, MN— going to take that anymore."
faithfully submitted, Authorities in Brooklyn Center, Arkansas Gazette
Laurie Ellis Minnesota, say a man died today faithfully submitted,
after being beaten by a group of Unknown
V bowlers in a dispute over a bowl- V
ing ball and lane cour-
tesy. THE ANGRY LITTLE HUMOR ZINE
NEW ORLEANS—A man shot
and killed his neighbor when the Police in the "FUNNY AS HELL" - Zine World
neighbor cut beyond his property Minneapolis suburb
SPLEEN
line with a lawn edger, police said. say officers found the P.O. BOX 8122
Police said Abadie started a fight man unconscious and LAS VEGAS, NV 89119
when King cut about three inches bleeding when they
SIX ISSUE SUBSCRIPTION $51 ($10 outside U.S.)
onto Abadie's property with the arrived at the bowling BACK ISSUES $1 EACH! ($2 outside U.S.)
lawn edger, then shot King three alley. The 28-year-old SPLEEN #1: Win Timothy Leary's Ashes!
The SPLEEN Interview: Pete the Fourth Chipmunk; The Margaux Hemingway
times. man later died. Scale Of Decomposition; Bosnia-Herzegovina 3000; McFoam, The Rabid
Crime Dog; Chess With "Mad Dog" Houlihan; Not The Family Circus; Ask Mr.
Maine Sunday Telegram No arrests have been Inattentive; How To Shoot G. Gordon Liddy.
faithfully submitted, made. Police are look- SPLEEN #2: Bob Dole Nearly Smiles!
Which Was Better, Valujet Or TWA? With The SPLEEN Disasterometer!;
Unknown ing for several sus- Tips For Moving Illegal Aliens; The Monopoly Daily News; Not Separated At
Birth; What Else Is On?; Toilet Paper Politics; We're Losing Our Third
pects. Amendment Rights'
V Associated Press SPLEEN #3: Try Our Frogs' Legs

The SPLEEN Report: The Death Of Tupac Shakur; The Mandy Alfwood
faithfully submitted, Story; The Ballad Of O.J. Simpson; Not Life In HeH; Not Cathy; SPLEEN's
Picture Gallery; Cowboy Haiku; Cowboy Burma Shave; Connect The Dots
TOLEDO (AP)—An 82-year-old Bill Reese For Boneheads; Pork Chop Aficionado; The BeatJes Anthology IV: The Bot-
tom Of The Barrel.
man strangled his wife because
SPLEEN #4: The 1996 SPLEEN 16
she wouldn't turn down the vol- 1996 Death Ratings; 1996's Top Events; Prediction for 1997; The 1995
SPLEEN 16; SPLEENews: Other Elmo Toys; Other TV Ratings. Gee, not
much in this one, eh? If s still damn funny, though. Buy it anyway.
• ^
MElVlN SRVEY... NASAL SPRAY APPlCT

BY JEFF PILL £ TOM SAGE ART PY PA
I WAS POTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON A SCATHING ARTICLE APOOT

COTTAGE CHEESE CORPS FOR THE LOCAL WEEKLY SHOPPER. |T WAS MORE OF THE
SAME POLLSHlI POT I NEEPEP THE MONEY. I HAP JOST PLOWN MY LAST FIVE
POCKS ON SOME SAFES ANP A TOPE OF KY. MY SlNOSES WERE THROWING
ANP M Y HEAP WAS POONPlNG.:. 1 FELT LIKE JIMMY CAGNIEY IN "WHITE HEAT
THERE WAS NOTHING P0T VAPORS t E F T j N ANY OF MY POTTIES. | STARTEP

FEELING KlNP OF SKEE^Y, LIKE MY PRAlN WAS APOOT TO HEMORRHAGE.
WAS S|CK ANP NEEPEP SOME MORE SPRAY SO I COOLP FEEL ALRIGHT

I HAP SEEN AN AP j N ONE OF THOSE FREE WEEKLY SOCIALIST RAGS. |T SA|P
THAT I COOLP M\& SOAAE W\Q( CASH FOR A SPERM PONATlON, SOMETHING
HAP ALWAYS MORE THAN WILLINGLY PONE FOR FREE.

& \ c.-:
...PUT ALL I GOT WAS AVlPEO TfREP "ALL SEX |S RAPE", A COPY OF SUSAN FALUPpS
"PACldASH % \ ANP THE tfULP ENP OF A TURKEY PASTER. | P|PN'T EVEN GET ANY LUPE. THEY
&FUSEP TO AFFORP AAE ANY PLEASURE AT ALL IN THIS MATTER. PUT 3 5 PUQ& |S 3 5 PUCKS...
tf I aoSEP MY EYES « ? THOUGHT OF PEA ARTHUR.
NAL L A M P O O N • pg 101
'I >',
WHAT A SCORE... | HAP ENOUGH TO STAY WELL FOR THE WHOLE
HOWEVER, |T TORNEP OOT THAT AFTER THEY CHECKED M Y REFERENCES ANP REAP
SOME OF AAY WORK, THEY REJECTEP M Y SAMPLE ANP ASKEP ONLY FOR A FULL
RETURN OF THEIR MONIES PLUS ALL SHIPPING ANP HANPLlNG CHARGES, THOUGH
:J?|P MANAGE TO GET M Y SPRAY 1 NOW HAP THE SMALL MATTER OF PEALING N (
~ '|TH THE COLLECTION VANGUARP OF THE WOMYN'S FREE REPROPUOWE CyNlC
(JED...
even if it had occurred, there was Demanded a jury of Hitler's Wasn't it conceivably possible to
no proof that Hitler was ever peers, i.e., a panel of dictator- mistake an Austrian bus driver's
aware of it. They claimed that judges consisting of twelve other outfit for a Wehrmacht uni-
the defendant was the victim of a paranoid Austrian-born vegetari- form?).
media conspiracy led by bigots ans with paperhanging experi- Demanded a jury of non-
who are openly prejudiced ence and a fondness for geno- humans. (Grounds: Since the
against Germanic psychotic cide, Eva Braun and invading charges include "crimes against
mass murderers. other people's countries. Either humanity", the defendant can't
But even psychotic mass mur- come up with a dozen such peo- possibly get a fair trial if tried by
derers have rights, they pled; ple—plus alternates—or dismiss anyone representing the plain-
especially psychotic mass mur- the charges. tiff—"humanity". Either get a
derers with the Third Reich's Argued that the prosecu- jury of other species, or dismiss
treasury at their disposal. So the tion's case had no merit, since the charges.
chipper little dictator got his five there's no independent philo- But the ploy which prompted
decades in court. sophical proof of the victims' the "Mistrial by Incredible
existence—and people who Absurdity" came only two days
How Hitler Won don't exist obviously cannot ago, when the defense insisted—
have a valid claim or case. and the bench agreed—that the
The hand-picked defense team Put the world itself on trial, prosecution must re-enact
doggedly followed a multi- attacking its "undisputed ineffi- "World War Two" in its entirety
pronged strategy wherein they: ciency". "Your Honors, why else in order to "place Der Fiihrer at
Attacked on every front, would the world have people like the scene." When the prosecu-
challenging every syllable of us?" argued one defender. tion was unable to simulate the
every word uttered by the prose- Charged that the defendant precise sound effects for the
cution, even individual vowels. was framed by "Anti-Hitlerites Allied landing at Anzio, all sides
Attempted to discredit any- who planted the bloody Belgium agreed that the proceedings had
one who claimed to have wit- and Poland" to implicate Der finally gone too far. Hitler was
nessed "World War Two", which Fiihrer. free at last.
they maintained was an anti- Exhaustively attacked every And now, what lies ahead for
Nazi myth. scrap of evidence. Example: the elder statesman of Aryan
Demanded a change of They demanded that each Allied supremacy? Back to the hurly-
venue. Grounds: Since the soldier account for every single burly of German politics?
alleged crimes took place in "the bullet fired during the supposed Surprisingly, Hitler seems inter-
world", there was clearly no "War". They called for copies of ested in his former nemesis,
chance for defendant to get a fair written orders authorizing America. "I'd like to spend a lit-
trial in "the world". Either move attacks on "Nazi troops"—for tle time out West, maybe Idaho",
the trial to another planet or dis- each and every attack occasion he told this reporter. "I hear they
miss the charges. (How could a soldier be sure he need consultants with my kind of
was firing at a German combat- experience. It sounds like such
ant, and not someone who only fun!"
happened to look like one? -Dean Christopher

NORMS
DICK
U.S.Q)ngre^
Mi,ie
Carl Salas San Jose, CA Mason Beavertpn. QEL
ALPINE ERECTIONS
MicbeaelCaudanRome,NY
Ivor Jones Hunters Hill, Australia
Overexposed?
Willie
Personal Lubricant
9 C(9/72^ <?#£ smelling like a rose!
D
Also covers Vitiligo!
Q
Z
69
Z
<
::
)
Only *6 a bottle

The taste will
eave you breathless
re
ttes
r ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ j * ttt^^m'" ^"
J&"1* *-~v>s
m . »
term m e m o r y
WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined

that smoking outside your office building in the driving
rain is a big pain in the ass.

From California to Carolina, there seem to be no shortage of mediocre miracles. Thousands of "Pilgrims"
have flocked to see the image of the Virgin Mary illuminate the side of an office building in Florida. Perhaps
people believe that the mother of Jesus prefers double-pane window glass to a beautiful mountain top. In
Carolina, there's a cinnamon bun that bears a striking resemblance to Mother Teresa! Why God chose a
cinnamon bun over a glazed donut or Pop Tart, we'll never know. Here are some of the more shabby "mir-
acles", now appearing near you.
Tiny T i m Kurt
W i t h his 1969 hit Tiptoe through the
Cobain
Tulips,T\ny charmed millions w i t h his
distinctive falsetto voice. N o w t h o u -
sands flock daily t o this construc-
tion site Port-a-Potty where his
ghostly image suddenly appeared t o
a road crew worker. "Believers" can
relive the magic of his Wedding t o
Miss Vicki on the Johnny Carson
show and move their bowels at the
same t i m e . Hey... D o n ' t t i p t o e
through those tulips!
Port o' P o t t y
Duluth, M N
Dean and Sammy
Maxi - Pad
Waterloo, NY
Discovered by Edna M a r k o w i t z ,
Oreo Cookie w h o also observed the image of Jim
Branson, M O Morrison in a skidmark, the "Miracle
From the "Rat Pack" t o a cookie cream, Dean and Sammy are back, Maxi" is attracting throngs of believ-
this time captivating more crowds than they did at The Sands in ers t o this rural t o w n . Dismissed by
Vegas. First sighted by a pre-school teacher, it is now on display on the church as an ordinary "stain",
a miniature stage at the Jim Nabors Dinner Theater. The dynamic Edna maintains its veracity... "I think
duo is said t o be content in the afterlife, and looks forward t o the Courtney would be proud of it!"
arrival of OP Blue Eyes " t o class up the joint... Baby."
- Dave Pullano

;w.
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illustration by Doug Taylor

The Nazi Dd
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. "He made th
byA to
;or i
Doolittle
nmals talk."
• i 11 *< Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
"
NATIONAL LAMPOON • p e 109
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CLASSIFIEDS
/ÛNDERGROUND B O O K s A
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cont. f r o m p . 11
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THE OUTLAW'S BIBLE, 322 pgs
S30
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TONIGHT? I"m still here! Can I run for
POOR MANS JAMES BONO*. 476 pgs S22 Meet single men & something? Guys?
PSYCHEDELIC CHEMISTRY, 200 pgs S16
NO HOLDS BARRED! women in your area
_ PRIVACY: HOW TO GET IT. 128 pgs S18 Dan Quayle
by area-code!
THE RIP-OFF BOOK, 200 pgs
_ FALSE IDENTIFICATION, 190 pgs
S12
S10 1 -900-435-1164 1-900-287-7225 Somewhere
THE PAPER TRIP I. OR II, 82 pgs $17 $3.99/mia. 18*. 24 hours'
MARIJUANA GROWER'S GUIDE, 330 pgs S18 S2 9 9 / m i n . 18+. 24 hours'
INDOOR MAR. HORTICULTURE. 320 pgs S20 Sirs:
EMPEROR WEARS NO CLOTHES, 250 pgs S18
PSYCHEDELICS ENCYCLOPEDIA*. 420 pgs....S24
CLANDESTINE LABORATORIES, 124 pgs S15
ASIAN WOMEN DESIRE I should have asked for credit
cards. Thirty pieces of silver
GROWING THE HALLUCINOGENS, 81 pgs S10
RECREATIONAL DRUGS, 160 pgs S21 ROMANCE! won't buy shit down here.
DRUG LIBRARY* 14 BOOKLETS, 244 pgs S32 Judas Iscariot
DRUG TESTING AT WORK, 230 pgs S17 Overseas, marriage-minded. World's #1 correspon-
ECSTASY: THE MDMA STORY, 228 pgs $17 Hell, 90210
_ THE MUSHROOM CULTIVATOR*. 415 pgs S28 dence service since 1984!
_ GROWING WILD MUSHROOMS. 88 pgs
PSILOCYBIN GROWER'S GUIDE, 88 pgs
$12
$14
Free details, photos! Sirs:
WE OFFER OVER 250 TITLES. CATALOG $2
ALL PRICES INCLUDE FREE SHIPPING (USA)
SUNSHINE INTERNATIONAL, Sure, "African-American" is
ALLOW 2-3 WEEKS FOR DELIVERY. Box 5500-TZ, Kailua-Kona, Hawaii 96745-5500. fine. But honestly, —I've always
OR FOR AIR MAIL ADD $2 PER BOOK.
•DOUBLE THE AIR MAIL RATE ON THIS BOOK. (808) 325-7707 preferred "Porch Monkey".
BOOKS ARE SOLD TO ADULTS ONLY! Clarence Thomas
VISA/MC ORDERS: 1-800-635-8883
QUESTIONS?: 1-916-725-0341
HAVE CASH, WILL SPEND currying favor
CA RES, ADO 7.75% Want to reach TONS of prospects looking for somewhere to spend
their money? Ad rates are just S5.00 per word, one time, twenty word Sirs:
FS BOOK CO. minimum, typed copy only. "P.O. Box" is two words; phone number, 99 bottles of beer on the
P.O. BOX 417457, DEPT. NL city and state are one word each; zip codes are free. Display ad S240 wall!
SACRAMENTO, CA 95841-7457 (velox print) or color S395 per column inch (composite film only). 99 bottles of beer!
Check must accompany order. You take one down and pass
it around...
GORGEOUS NATIONAL LAMPOON .. .68 bottles of beer on the
ASIAN WOMEN CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING

wall!!
On the retarded kids' bus
ROMANCE, LOVE, LIFE- 10850 Wilshire Blvd.
MATES! FREE DETAILS, Suite 1000 Sirs:
COLOR PHOTOS! Los Angeles, CA 90024 I steals from the rich and I
P.I.C., BOX 461873-NL, Tel. # (310) 474-5252 gives to the po';
FAX # (310) 474-1219 Hangs with the crew and
L.A., CA 90046
bangs my ho";
(213) 650-1994
SEEN ON NATIONAL TV! RUSSIAN LADIES WANT TO MEET YOU! Shoots my arrows and don't
give a damn;
Russian Ladies - Truly 'Bout no bad ass sheriff of
beautiful, educated are sin- Nottingham.
Robin Hood
CARTOONISTS! cerely seeking relationships.
The Fresh Prince of Thieves
2,000 Ladies selected from
National Lampoon's over 50,000! Sirs:
Cartoon Contest • Many people are under the
continues! To have your cartoons FREE COLOR PHOTO MISTAKEN impression that all
members of N.O.W. are lesbians,
published in National Lampoon BROCHURE dykes, etc. That is simply not
Magazine send COPIES true. Kate Willows of Doogie,
—no originals— EUROPEAN CONNECTIONS PA is heterosexual, married, and
to: Dept. 223 • P.O. Box 888851 has two children (Jason and
National Lampoon Atlanta, GA 30356 Jackie). It's too bad,
FAX (404) 451-5774 though...Nice tits...
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Bonus: Sux-Ma donnas Baby Book

The Multicultural Exams

Forget trying to enlighten yourself with those

The Movie Channel. National Lampoon.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Artist's conception of proposed playground

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

R.<?A6TE-P &A&Y cTJJl^kl MAoo

COffZL. ANlP CI<qAR.ETTE^ 4k?.5<9

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

(fR^M T-UE- V^MIT^K.IUM)

5tLE.cri^N /?F IMP^R-TE-P FEATi-lLR.6 T ^ T i ^ L C . Y?UR. FANcy

H NQtR 0?T- 02ATE.P PAPLR &AC; Alp P M<?U~pJ \VA6lJ 44.75

oJuNi£f i>TYLL o?FFE.E. A N P CIGARETTE. 5LL_TZLR. 45.50

C0\J\ PLIM LNJAEY \VU IN t LI6J

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

NATIONAL LAMPOON r * - JE.FF PILL 6 T^M ^>A^L

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

ENQVIRER "Lone Knifeman in

Scandal - from front cover Sweating profvsely, Maximvs went on to

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Statve of Goddess Venvs -

J v d e a - Another story from the far flvng edge of the

1I Relax in the lap of

Fish and Loaves Helper

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

the p O O out of me. Ooops, I just felt the G E N T L E BUMP

of a paparazzi being run over by the limousine.

I can see the lawsuit now...HEY, THAT'S MY INHERITANCE!

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

,-. , K & C & , J

Lemmings Saved Forever!

r Order Form: Yes! I want To off myselfwith National Lampoon's Lemmings 1

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Owner's Manual No. 69

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Oh! With what precision and artful grace your father's

To order Toll free To order Toll free

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

You were only seven, but with

Price: $49.95 (Includes S&H)

Toll free To order Toll free

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

He was a real fightin' man. A soldier's

To order jp*e, "Toll free To order —=. Toll free

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Boy howdy, that Bobby Ray never

To order Toll free To order Toll free

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

To order Toll free To order Toll free

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

A lthough she is an American by

U pon her return to the States,

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.