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Adobe Scan Mar 12, 2023
RELATIO N SH I PS
People Watching
SETTING EXPECTATIONS
The village of the ashram fosters camaraderie, being there for each
other, serving each other. Dan Buettner, the cofounder of Blue Zones-
an organization that studies regions of the world where people live tbc
222
RELATION SHIPS 223
longest and healthiest lives- saw the worldwide need for this kind
of
community. In addition to diet and lifestyle practi ces, Buettner found
that longevity was tied to several aspect s of community: close relatio
n-
ships with family (they'll take care of you when you need help), and
a
tribe with shared beliefs and healthy social behaviors. Essentially, it takes
a village.
Like these blue zones, the ashram is an interdependent community,
one that fosters a mood of collaboration and service to one another. Ev-
eryone is encouraged to look out not just for their own needs, but
for
those of other people. Remember the trees in Biosphere 2 that lacked
roots deep enough to withstand wind? Redwood trees are anoth
er story.
Famously tall, you'd think that they need deep roots to survive, but in fact
their roots arc shallow. What gives the trees resilience is that these roots
spread widely. Redwoods best thrive in groves, interweaving their roots
so
the strong and weak together withstand the forces of nature.
0
111 £
Cl~C Lf
df
LovE
0
A NETWORK OF COMPASSION
.1.. !ICO"C that mon~ lo<1k at the d1\ t r1 l ,•1t111r1 ,,t l,,vc .ar 1,I <,u r ;o .a
lt fll .UUC5
k of rompa,!.ion rathn than a onr. tu 1,11c n, 1,,.11:r ~11,11\c , t~ -
ntrwor
i""'"'"· '-' ,, l, r .., h r• ic ,rit r ,1.,,,I I•l!,
lar"C d1flt'rcnt pcorlr !,Crvt'. J, ffrrrnt r111 11
ind mentor,; to \r ;irn fr,,m ,rnd \rrvr. Tt1f ,r n,!,- ,H r: n, ,t wli• ,lly
tOl h,
1tcd ro aJ,:(' and rxpC'rirnrr. Fvrry mor,k i-. Jw.iy<, HI r.;·r1 y pl, .. ,," ,,f rhlf
•"·de Monk., hd,rvr that thc\C' roJr., ,m·n't fmd .Tlir pn ,,,ri -...I," i1 , . .
rraihcr onr day m,~.lit bt ynur 1-tudrn1 thr llf' .:t S,,,r,rt,11,r-. rht . . . .
rnonk.., would rnmr to tl.1.,.,t·~ with v1J1111~ n,,,r,L Lkr 11,, c.1 !!111~ Oft . .
fl,,or and fotcn1ng to a nrw m11nk "'J)('Jk. Tl1r:v wrrr1,r rhcrr tr, Lht, k aa
u.\-tlic)' were thcrC' to IC"un for tl,r-m .dvn.
Ct,;Jld t~.,.h ynu •nd what the tel l hers 'Tl!f~l lorn fr-::,r•) r,u
CHARACT[R CONSISTfN[}
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YElflE WITI' ,ftiJII t., fAt5ENT,
~TR'II' MIAJt I,. ArA JUILe
( OlllfASI /. w/lfrl !JIii 1tH.D
IJl/£1/tl//.1/AI SINJ 1110,.
V) I 11t,.
your issue. They are an expert or authority in their area. They have experi-
ence, references, and/or a high Yelp rating.
Cart. We need to kn~w a person cares if we are putting our emotions
in their hands. ReaJ care means they are thinking about what is best for
, you, not what is best for them. They care about your well-being, not your
success. They have your best interests at heart. They believe in you.They
would go beyond the call of duty to support you: helping you move, ac·
companying you to an important doctor's appointment, or helping y01
plan a birthday party or wedding.
Charact,r. Some people have a strong moral compass and unc~!T
promising values. We look to these people to help us sec clearly when v
aren't sure what we want or believe is right. Character is especially criti(
when we are in an interdependent partnership (a relationship, a busin
partnership, a team). These people practice what they preach. They h
I
Q
p
Nobody nmicli ljign a1111oui1ti11g wh:.11 thc-y have tn offer us. Obacrvc
:a
,c,,plc-'hi11twtion& anJ actiollli. Arc tlu:y in a.lignrnent? Arc they demon-
1
11u1i111~ what they bay th""y value? Do their value, corrci,pond with your~?
We learn murr from Ld1:.1viort1 tli:.111 pn,mi1,e1. Ur-c the four types of tru~t
1o u11Jt'r!it;.md wlay you uc :.111racttd to a pc-non and whether you arc
lak,.ly to rnm11:l't a, 11 friend , a rollc:aguc, or a romantic partner. A~k y,,ur-
llf.11, Whal ii my ,.,,,u,ne inlrnhon for grllinx invohicd in thiJ rt!atiomhipr
Tiu: four type~ of tru1,t may 11ecm like hasir qualitie, that we imtinc-
11vdy look for wd rc1p1irt', l,ut 1,olicc th:.11 it', hard to think of &omconc
who rares ;ahout you, i~c:ornpct1·nt in cvt<ry arc::;&, hai, the highest character,
1111d i, never too bu11y for you. Two of tlie molit important people in my
lilr arc Sw;imi (my 111011k tellthcr) ilnJ my motlier. Swami i&my go -to
,puituil pcri;on. ] hive the utmost trulit in his character. But when 1 told
him l wanttd to leave Acce11H1re and go into media, he said, "I have no
1tlr;1 wh:.it y,,u sho11IJ Jo."] Jc iii one of my mmt valued advisors, but it was
~illy to «'.XJK'.<.'.t him to 11.&ve an opinion about my career, and he was wise
c110111~h 1101 to pr('ten<l to hive one. My mom would al&o not be the best
per.on tt, ilhk ihout' c,m:er moves. Like many mothers, she is most con-
u~rncd with my wdl ~heing: how I'm fccli11~ 1 whether I'm eating well, if
I'm ~ettint~ enougi1 ,lecp. She is there with care and consistency, hut she's
11ot J!-oi11~ to counM"I me on minaging my rnmp;rny. I needn't be angry at
my mo1'1r.r for not r:ui11g about every i1ipcrt of my lifc. lmtcad 1 should
~.ivt rny~lf the time, enrrgy, attention, and pain, and simply appreciate
that you can stiJJ benefit from having them in your life.
them.
And you should he at least as attentive to what you can offer
,clf, What can
With friends or colleagues, get into the habit of askin g youn
H'hirh of
I oJJi'rfirst!' l1b11/can I 1rrvt? Am I a teacher, a peer, or a student?
I relationships
th~fo11r Cr do]givr to this person?We form more meanin1-,rfu
expertise that
when we play to our strengths and, like Swami, don't offer
we don 'r have.
to people;
Exercises like the one above aren't mean t to attach labels
nu-
I'm again st labels, as I've explained, because they reduce the many
look {or
anced hues of life to black and white. The mon k appro ach is to
ing a nd absorb what you need to move forward inste
ad of getting
mean
l k sssu. wlsm we apply lhen lilrc the four Ut ~
and gratitude come- more cJ•-1ly wli<'n v.c a, tq1t tlut wt· L1\C
and fanuly, arul W f" h,,v<· ( rin11ls t 11.it \,._,, 11 1 1l' b111ily. 1't:d:11 ~·, <.'I n ·
'-lld ar S<>mt k·vd to all lif hulll.lfllt)' nrn t><: \,., . . ,t;vtly tbc r '\'<.'utir tnr
~•h~ own fami11r <i h.ivr ma.Ir tbc·1r liv-e, J,'.!~1..·ult.
fHIH« lll:f A M O NIC
no
Wfirn 7"" nrfrY I new c.om rnun it,_-u J t:nfr ~J dlt' a.I.,,. ,,. _
,,r rhc ape,·ra11on•
...,..,,.,
d,ar h aw- alrr-"' J
'"'~
• clran alarr.. You h~ ntlflit'
fk I . L.. I y t,.,.,,
"P amc, nt (am,J1 ,,..f fri,c:n,J1. M ,.., ,r. r...y nouoc y aluirr
, ,.,.,, >.a
l• r-'f fr,
"uJ' r)l("oplt-; hur rllf:
tiruariona J,L: rhia, mod of u• n,.b ro llfNJ .t\ 1tr.i,r
liL: bmilics, tchoo la, and c.hu rcha -hclp us carcgori:1...c people. Thru arc
Thr~ arc tlic
1hr pcnplc J 1M with. T1NM an: the people J karn with.
r w:u,,
pr.r,plc Jpray wir.h. Thn, are dte ~,pi e J I.ope ro help. Bur I d1d11'
ro diK.OUnl tomCOnC'• opiruons or wortl1 bccau iC rhq
didn't fir ~ady
icalit y, rhcrc weren't
inro one of thae circles. Aside from the Jimir, of pract
more than
crrtain people who ~rv ed my arren tion or care or help
othcn .
Jr'• as;a to look ar eYCr)">fte u a mcmhcr of your famil y if
you don'r
n poem b_r
irmgjnc th2r i t ' • ~ hum.an at cvrry mom ent. A wc.U- know
Jan J-,_.,minifrx Mart in aays, •People come into your life for a re.A~m. a
long tl 1;11
WU() ft or a Jjft:time. • Tiw:ae d1rcc categ ories are bucJ on how
life as a wd -
relari,,.,,...hip JaouJd endure. One pent m migh t cnrcr your
..lling d1if1
u,me chang e. L;Jc.t, a new acuon, rhcy are an exciting a™J cnrhn
of energy. Bur rJtt: IC'aton ends at 1omc poin t, 11 alJ Kuo ns do. Anorl
and gro
J'ff"l fl mighr oome in with a rcaw,n. 11.ry hdp you learn
eI
rbry 11,ppr,n ,OU through a dillk,dr rime. Jr almo1r feds Jiu they'v
cuw ex
dcJifierarely wnr ro r111 to uai1r or guide yuu d1rough a pani
mu, after wf1ich tfacir cenrr2l role in ,our life decreases. And rhcn
t
TRUST IS EA RN ED
Once you have established reasonable expectation
s from a relationship,
~en it is easier to build and maintain trust. Tru st
is central to every rela-
:sh ip. Trust means we believe tha t the person
is bein g hon est wit h us,
th
t ey have our interests at hea rt, that they will
uphold thei r promises
and tonfidcnccs, and tha t they will stay true to these
intentions in the
- '--J
STAGES OF TRUST
Tru~, can hr Cltrmln
l to anyonr from ;a tlX
i driver IIJ :i bu
to I lm't'r, hut o\wio11s \inc·•~ pJ11 nrr
ly wr <lon't h:tvr the
-.,11n r, ll'vcl uf trmt
one. It \ important to fnr t:\CrY·
he am:ntivt to how dl't·p
whrt\m thr.y'vr il(l\lall ly w e tr\J',I ,orn1·ri11r i 11J
y e;1rncJ thal lrvd of
trll',t.
Dr. John Gollman, on
e of the natiou's top
man i.1gc npffl~, w.rn1
to fintl out whit m.ik rd
es couplr.s ~rt sturk
in 011~oin ~ wnllill i11
m,olvin~ it .in" movin -rrnl 11f
g on . I Ir rxa111i11r,l rn
upll' s from ,ill tl\ rl thr
try, from varirJ MK io 1111111
c(nnomic :md cth11k
\i,11k1~w11111I~, ;in,I
cty of \lie ,i1u.atin11s, 111 J w1
from nrwlywl'II:., to ex
p1·\'1 111 i; pm·111,
whcrt onr , ,11,ull(' Will , to l,un 1lin
,\rpl11yr1I 111 militMy 11c·
1\'in·. Arn h~ di
mu,t impurto&nt i,huc to r b11,u,I, thr
.ill uf tlic, r roupb w.ih
t1 u,t J11d '1t·rr,1
lanK't.l),.,'f tliry u~r,1 to J·Jl. The
,l1·,nihc thrir j\~11r~ v.1
<Jur,t1o11 wa, .alway, th rin l a hi t, h111 tl,t tl'ntrJI
e ~a mr: Can I trn ~t ym
r to ht' l.1i tltl'11!· ( ·.w
you to hdp With hou!ICw I uu· 1
ork?Can I trn ,1 you to
11\ll' n, tn h,: tlll'rr 1 1
Tlu: rnuplc\ hild l~•MI\I " inr ;
ru.,on 1,1111 ;1kc trmt
ii p1 i111i11·. An
,,u,\i~ hy llr l\rlla l> ,.rtl, i,,', 111
d',mlo, proplr arc di•
' . ni s
mtrrari,o
,hc,nr.,r in onl' 1;1ih nf
d,rir
, · m nt y-trvt n rnllr
~r ~t11,\rn1 ~ .ind ,rv t·n
community at l tv pr 111k 111 •111 rli
1
argc W frt a:. kttI to krt· '
for llntn 1I· Th p tr .u l of ·1hr1r ,111·,.11·111 r ·r II n1111'
.iy,. ey Wl:rt 111IJ to t •
how rcconl .tll of tlw ir ex,
niauy 1it, · . tt h.111g1·~ ·u hI 1n 11llrt
1ry 10l,I . I lt.1111w what
you're rhiukmJ,:" -w
about lvi,11,> Ti0 . ha t If rIir,v l1nl
• n· tncour.tKC I1onr11ty,
the fl'!ltanhcr, tol d I . .1rtinpa11~
I 1c 11·
1111 All f) N', lllf• t; 2n
MVTIIAL
l4Etr ,oi, J,TM w.41, -,,11
J,.N•w j•11'U s, Tl"
J.e f•A
IH lltf ' FlllttJE
oH , AN•TNIR
fV~
No
E M ATTfA WHA r UAr,,wi.
, , .. . h UAVE oNt Aftl•TUrl. 'j,
I.A t/rs
ourselves as •better" than we rc.alJy arc, but when these lies arc discovered,
ple than honesty would
the bctr:1yal docs far more damage to both peo
ely in the beginning, we
0
have. If the seed of trust is not planted effectiv
1 grow a weed of mistrust and betrayal.
our trust. We either
We a~n't careful with when anJ how we give
I
~ trust other proplc too easily, or we wit
hhold our trust from everyone.
=tr~uat::~
M"""'1 '" " p re m a ture at be st
'· Contnctu
IOlneone, a 1 trust rad
apecting th
ey would fflO lCI a higher 1cvd whe
~unknown lt likely
do the w n n you help
time in the e for you,
f u ~ . Wh in sornc
\ b o ere contn
, th p u t i a ha c tu al nust reli
-Tbit1tap ve agfted to cs
of1n11tio i n advanc
dai...ifrom e, mutual ·.
,.,,,,.,the,n
odc•f
@
IH t~11<Jh~HIPS 235
Jf you were to graph the. number of people you tru.t at each lcvd, the
auult would probably look like a pyramid: a lot of people at ocutnl trust;
tt'W'tf rcoplc at contractual tnJ5t; )'OW' clo.c circle al mutual trust:, and
only a handful at the toP In-cl, pure trust.
No matttt bow di.utidied you arc with your pyrarnid,don't promote
ptoplt wirhout reuon. 11lC')' will only Id you down. The biggest misbkc
we make it to aaumc that ew:ryonc cb.c operate, just like us. We bclie,,c
that omen value what we .value. We believe that what WC want in a rc-
lationdup it what othen want in a rdationdup. When someone aay., -i
bit }'O'L,• we think they mean cucdy what we mean when we aay 91 1avic
,w.• But if we think Cffl}OOC ia a ~ of ounclve&, we fail to 1ee
things • dtey are. We ICC dungs u 1M arc.
Mutual trust requires patience and commitment. It is built on a true
undcntanding of the other penon in spite of and bccaUK they arc tcpa-
rate &om ua and view the world diffcrcndy. The way to step back from
l
4
!HI NK un ,. M U NK
. . is
Sexu al energv is not Jl . t about pleasure. It is sa c re d -i t ha
,
-I11·td Imagin . h . . n create . s the power
to cre:atc a \.: e w at it ca w it hm h . '
us w en it s harne
• M l M ad ro ne says, "Celibac ssed
Cer tified sex educator a a y by conscious choice.
·
is a powenw c.. , w ay to k
wor w1 . th yo ur own energy an d h
arness the potenc
of life energy. It ca al h 1 you strength · ·· y
n so e p en your m tmt:ion , your bou
aries and your un d nd-
erstan d'ing of what consent truly means . .
'. . . , mcludmg how
to difie rent1;.1te w hat k'm d of contact and in
teraction 1s truly
your ltf. e an d bY yo body" But )'o welcome in
• ur · ur en er gy is squandered w
spent ta1-1on•ng · hen it is
yourse lf to .someone else's ideal or
thc person you th .t nk he wants or su shaping yourself
specting her o f ch . into
· so eatmg on you. T
1s muc h anx1·ery .."nd neg!':ltivity ar here
ound dating and
find wthe one"-nev so much pressure
cr mind whether to
we're ready or ab
with anyone. le to settle down
Once the clement
o f romantic pursui
promote myself as t was removed, I
a boyfriend, to lo wasn't trying to
thing of me, to indu ok go od, to make wom
lge lust. I found m en think any-
with all my friend y co nn ections w it h fem
s-growing deeper ale fr ie n d s-
space and energy . I h ad more physical an
for their souls. M d mental
y time and atten
Again, I'm not su ti o n were better spen
ggesting you give t.
could), but what u p sex (t h o u g h y o
if you give yourself u certainly
self, able to focus p er m is si on to b e single
on your career, yo , by your-
ur friends, an d
Minister and phil y o u r peace o f m
?sopher Paul T il ind?
li ch said, "O u r
sen scd these two la n g u ag e h as w
isely
sides o f man's b
eing alone. It h
'lo nclines 5' to expr as cr ea te d th e
word
ess th e p ai n o f
word 'solitude' to being alone. A
express th e glory n d it h as created th
o f b ei n g alone." e
I spent three years
as
awarcne5s, at the en a mon k, t hrec ye
. d o f h. h I ars developing
tmns ahout a rdat w tc b
was a le to ask m .
• ionshi 1 yself th e ri
in sa tr o a- th P· m ay not have sp en t
how it fi lt 1 }.mdodhe o f d
r all o f my wa
e . goo n e ss -b u t 1 kn
datc. ln!ltead olaf t e opportunity be ew where I wante
d
1O< k' to come the p er so
renon for myself. l mg for others to mak e n I wo
h
m e appy, I was
ab
RELATI O NSHIPS 23\J
rc-.a.~ns support our values. There arc five primary motivations for
connccri,1n-:ind note that these don't c.xd u~ivdy apply to romantic pros-
}. Ph)'s-ical attraction. Y1iu like what they look likt." -yuu arc drawn t,>
their appearance, style, or presence, or you like the idea of being
seen with them.
2. 1"111tmal. You like their accomplish~c1; ts and the power anJ/or the
possessions this affords them.
3. [ntcll«tual. You like how they think-you're stimulated by thc:ir
convcrs:.ation and ideas.
-4. Emotional. You connect well. Tht:y understand your feelings and
increase your sense of well-being.
5. Spiritual. They share your deepest goals and values.
When you identify what's attracting you, it's clear if you're attracted
to the whole person or just a part. In my experience, ask most people what
attracts them to another person and they'll mention some combination
of the top three quaµries: looks, success, and intellect, but those qualities
alone don't correlate with long-term, fortifying relationships.
l\lonks believe that someone's looks aren't who they are-the body is
only a vessel for the soul. Similarly, someone's possessions aren't theirs-
they certainly don't tell you about the person's character! And even if
rou're attracted to someone's intellect, there's no guarantee it will lead to
a meaningful bond. These three qualities don't correlate with long-term,
0 fortifying relationships, but they do show your chemistry with another
pc~on. The last two-emotional an<l spiritual-point to a more pro-
fouo<l, lasting connection-they show your compatibility.
QUALITY, t~ OT Q UA UT IT
Y
\\' lw n ii , u11 10 lo tlll' r.u
n~ y wr c .1q ir11 d w11d ,,., 1.
th ,''" i11 'l'' "h lt', 11,,1 •1111u1ttty J 111
- r 111 rt· I .. '•• " i I
11l1 c11 l,c ur 1 ,
1 111 1 .,.i ' 11
11\ 11 111 •) d1t ll Iii• ·)'
fr.-1 l11ld l11tvi11K ltt W1 11k l111 >', 1Y J1,1rr 111 1t ( )>',, ,i,,.
1u l,,JI II JI
wu l, 1lu·11 "'" " J\, , ll1di11~ ,-, It -1111 I l '•f" (
ll \••rl lly
,., 1l1 r. ti, ,. , .:v .-r I.u p,: i., ;, Ii· 11
11 m otI"· •• ' lllt . ' . I
U' 1 11 11 I 11· 'I"+' /11y 111111 ' • " 1 1 " '>n 11 1,,t
I II y I If 1I If' II It I
' . 11c 11111· 111 wi th ~ , I
I , 1111111111 ( J I hll 1111·,111
I,,_ • •1, 11 .,,, , 1('(11• ' "t
11 j>III llW .ty y11111 1•111111 ~ d11 i i r w f
11111 1 p,u ,· 111, h111 I '~'" "~
'
I k1111w tl,,11 .&11 ti I
,., ,11 I II) Iy I II J It'
l11ld, I ,1lw.1y h t, It y r
111 , '''
m ,..-1 mr11111111·d l111w uu u
h lua u: "he: 1111,:111 w11 l1 1111• M 11•>11 1•, ,.,.,..r,, I
"" " .... ~ )'"" "K , l11l1I I wr1 11
y I 11 1 ti y
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u-11 11,r y fr,,n 1'
k , 11f lw r .al.11,l:11u:- -'1111
, omiu•~ 111 ph k mr 11p Slu
I d11 , 1.111 .- I I
. 111 ,~r irr
.• 'd 11lw;1y11 1111,ih· 1o&nd ,u,k _.1,.,11
1 11 ,y d.iy
Ti m i~ lrnc in 1111 rrl.at11111i.l
,ipi.. Nolin.ly w, wt u It> hit wi
nn wluh· )'ou '1t. 011 lie<' ph,)IIC d1 y,,u .ll din -
' , Tl1i1, i11 wl it·1c we , ou1 iJhC
Yo u, ,m 11pr111l • wh olt ' tu nr and r1irrly
hm11 wi1h i.omc:ouc-, bu t on
ly r,i ve rl u:m 1,·11 rnin -
1111•11 ol r11nt1,Y I'm n,H
.ili l" le) 11pc:111l 11111d1 tin w wi
ll, 111 y fall)ily, l111t wlicn
1'111 wl lh tlwm 1'111 too fH'H
<'Ill 1lw rr.. l'cl rnt l1c r hp
~11,I lw o h111u ~ with
llll'an, f,,1 w. r,l ,uul r11wo1Krcl,
1lrn11 y,ivr th<'111 p11r1ial di!
1 '> t1a, tcd energy f,11
• wh ul" wrr"-""''·
A 1111111k 1laow11 love tl111u1.,,h
ptr 11t•.11c r: .a11~l ;a11n11i1111. 111 tlit· .i~l ,rnu,
tamf' i11 vo trd w11• 11rvr1· ,,~rn
1111 • n•li.al,1«4
c>I , arc· ,,r t'll ~•1Y.'' 111 r nt.
llH '.lh llrt :
A, l'vr 111n11iu11r.1I, 11fln ■ rur
:d1i.1tl1111, 11oh11cly a11k..'. ,I
h11w lnn ii; y,,u'tl
rur,l.1,111·,I, 1liry 111,kr., I
ho w aI,:rp )" "''' I V.""" · 11· y I I1 111 r- r I"W° t litr
1
>11 c ' 1 1.tv
tv r,y 11it~lit, Kt,·1o11, l,111 wluu .
i11 tlu~ 'l""''.'Y of• th r ,·1111v<'rh 11· 111 i- 'fh i11k likr
11u111~11 do, ln 1r1 1n , of • r.11 .A ' re
1·1.r.y 11t111\llKrnu·111 no t 111 ·
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ne mu · r,
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yrn1 liri nt( ill~ your full pn•11rn,c
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RE LATi ONSH l ~S 2~1
~ ~iN_J ~il-8Hf-A&.E-...,DA
, ® ,~ ffA_
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O , ©~f,E-JViN(.- .,;tu '"rsEwtE
lRY THI S: MAKE YOUR C
OHVERSAllON INTO A
C lF l
I,, •., 11y, you t, y \0 ,to th, , ,n con \ltt l ia\ ,C lnl n•g11l11dy, but l h;, t
1
,me d
, n ,t _..,,~
t,,cu \ .I'd
'
n\, n\1 on
·
r,l ~ I momPnl you till 't't comi
ng up W1\h IOIT\•
,,,, t ant t\l you - • rI ,,n d, • re ~on, '"'
l lit i..-,, your pat '"er. Mayl.,
,t '' • m o\ cu
y,)u'\I b, ta~1ng toct th ,r. Du --•l\
ring th i, time, ,h ut off your pl,
one. Grve all Y<>u,
fotu• to th e other p11r,on. '"\\~
ad of hav,ng •.n •cend.,, b, t ur
,ou,. If I \op1(.
dl.,e,n't •merge, l\k thf'm ()pen
-ended que\\1ons to limd on
a ,ubj"c t th•t\
,m po rt, n\ to them : Wha
t', on your mind .\dtely? How
\ your r,ldt1on,~,p
w, th X? Li.. t• n ca,efully, l\k fol
low -up qut1\\1on,. ShMe yo ur
own e~ptritnc,,
without turning the c.orw,, ut
,o n lo youn~lf. A few da
ys later, ema,1 or ,,~
th e f,, .. nd to follow up .
Think of a complaint you have about a loved one's behavior. (But don't
1.
look too hard for faults! If nothing springs to mind, that's a great sign and
'f"U should skip this exercise.)
_ Dig to tht root of the problem. Where is the real dissatisfaction? You
2
might find th1t your need corresponds to the loving exchanges. Do you
wint more timt to share and connect? (conversation) Do you feel un
-
appreciated? (gifts) Do you want more support? (food or other acts of
service)
3. Articulate it without criticism. Say, "This is what would make me feel
more loved and appreciated" instead of "You do this wrong."
~
o-:..=:-~"'=5 fr.X!l cr..rr 1>..:.:~~.::g. \1'.'11~ ~-~ le4L.4~ to love a.:id t..[".i~en~...,., ,.
~ 0.,;r.
.rnv
~
sc,~ I ~~te-.:f in a pa:rtner W'll s-~c1e.d b·t ..df-L'l'}Q\\.1~.,
of w-1-~t 1·1.,.,,.,.....