THE ODDITIES

Written by
Alex Pires

A DIVINE PILOT SCRIPT

alexc.pires@hotmail.com
+1(647)230-5977
 DIVINE 1.

COLD OPEN:

EXT - BACKSIDE OF SEEDY RESTAURANT - DAY

Swinging up from the asphalt, the dead body of a young man

lays strewn across the floor. Streaks of glittery, bloody
ooze splatter from his nostrils across his face. It is not a
pretty picture.

Two detectives from the belt buckle down approach the body
procedurally. One kneels down, their face completely hidden.

Rapid Edgar Wright style cuts of:

A gloved hands grabs the victim’s sleeve.

A K-9 unit snout takes a long, hard <SNIFF> at the body.

A glove SLAPS tight on a hand.

A hand digs into one of the victim’s coat pockets.

A fly buzzes around the victim’s disgusting, dead face.

We finally see our two detectives in full glory. ANUBIS

(tall, jackal-headed Egyptian god of death) in a sharp black
suit. And Chinese deity BIXI (pudgy, bipedal snapping turtle)
in the lab coat. They stand awkwardly over the dead body.
Posed somewhere between a superhero and an unactivated robot.

ANUBIS
1 No pulse. He’s probably dead. 1

Anubis’s voice is deep, rich and powerful. A useful tool to

cover the fact that he lacks social skills of any kind.

BIXI
2 Get a load of his face, Anubis. 2
That’s not your average Sunday
morning nose bleed.

Bixi splatters when he speaks like a cartoonish, yelly nerd.

ANUBIS
3 Oh yeah Bixi. Definitely a lot of 3
blood.

BIXI
4 Mhm. Definitely a lot of something. 4
Could be blood, could be anything.

ANUBIS
5 It’s obviously blood. 5

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 DIVINE 2.

BIXI
6 I think it’s probably blood. I just 6
wouldn’t say it’s for sure blood-
yet.

They continue to look at the bloody face.

BIXI (CONT'D)
(as if no other choice)
7 I’m gonna give it a taste. 7

ANUBIS
8 Please don’t taste the blood Bixi. 8

Bixi is already kneeling by the face.

BIXI
9 This is forensics. This is what we 9
do.

Bixi slowly dips his pinky in blood, his tongue lightly taps
the sample before--

<UNCONTROLLABLY RETCHING>. Anubis stands across him watching,

maintaining a serious attitude.

ANUBIS
(stoic)
10 What’s wrong. 10

Bixi continues for a few more awkward beats.

ANUBIS (CONT'D)
11 Stop it. 11

The <RETCHING> turns into desperate <COUGHING> and <GAGGING>.

ANUBIS (CONT'D)
12 Stop-- 12

BIXI
(desperate, out-of-breath)
13 I can’t. 13

The gagging only gets worse. Anubis softens.

ANUBIS
(concerned)
14 Hey... 14

Bixi has one final <COUGH> and is good.

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 DIVINE 3.

ANUBIS (CONT'D)
(back to stoic)
15 What was it? 15

BIXI
16 Blood. You were right. 16

The body begins to wiggle and shake, startling the two.

Out of it’s chest ERUPTS a swollen heart. Flesh and glittery,

poopy substance splatter out, the whole body’s full of it.

BIXI (CONT'D)
17 What the heck! 17

The heart itself rips opens with a <FART NOISE>, spilling the
same poopy substance.

BIXI & ANUBIS

(classic Italian)
18 Oh! 18

ANUBIS
19 What the heck is this? 19

BIXI
20 It’s gotta be poop. 20

ANUBIS
21 No way that’s poop. 21

BIXI
(hands on hips)
22 That’s a lotta poop for a lil 22
heart.

ANUBIS
23 Careful Bixi. 23

Bixi taste tests the poopy substance.

BIXI
24 Oh yeah... definitely poop. 24

Bixi <TASTES> his tongue a bit more.

BIXI (CONT'D)
25 Oh wow. Getting a lot of drug 25
signatures here. That’s... oh yeah,
okay wow. This guy could party.

Bixi stops tasting. He get’s quiet and reflective.

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 DIVINE 4.

BIXI (CONT'D)
26 ...oh wow that’s a lot of drugs. 26

He looks up, his eyeballs completely dilated black.

BIXI (CONT'D)
27 I took way too much. 27

ANUBIS
(trying to keep cool)
28 It’s okay. Stop-- 28

Bixi begins to trip out hard. Scratching at his face.

BIXI
29 I can’t do this!! I’m losing it! 29
HUE (Aztec god of sex and mischief, he’s got a serpentine
body that hangs like a gooseneck. And an array of fur,
feathers and scales that line the mane of his snakey-coyote
head like a headdress) waltzes onto screen wearing the same
sharp suit as Anubis.

HUE
30 Whassap motherfuckers. 30

Hue’s deep, raspy voice carries a confident playfulness.

ANUBIS
31 You’re three hours late Hue. I had 31
to take Bixi with me.

Hue SLAPS Anubis on the ass, his own form of apology.

HUE
32 Bixi how you feeling man, you good? 32

BIXI
(tripping absolute balls)
33 I’m... I’m okay. 33
HUE
34 That’s beautiful. Now I’m sorry but- 34
“that’s a lotta poop for a lil
heart”? What does that even mean
Bixi? Is there a proportionate
ratio of poop to heart that
would’ve been appropriate?

Bixi becomes flustered, choking on his words.

BIXI
35 No, no it was just something like-- 35

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 DIVINE 5.

HUE
36 Why did you say “that’s a lotta 36
poop for a lil heart”?

BIXI
37 Obviously- obviously I was saying 37
it in a... Anubis knows what I
meant.

ANUBIS
38 I have no idea what you meant. 38
(beat)
39 You said it so confidently I just 39
let it slide. Like maybe I was
missing something.

HUE
40 Oh man- Bixi did you eat this 40
stuff? What is wrong with you?

BIXI
(controlled panic)
41 I’m having a panic attack. 41

HUE
42 I’ve seen a lotta drug BS in my 42
day, but never turning into a piece
of shit. I mean figuratively, oh
mama of course. But literally is...
unholy. We need G’s eyes on this.

BIXI
43 Let’s get a sample of this to the 43
lab asap. Can you guys--

Without missing a beat Anubis and Hue immediately dig into

the body, shoveling poop by the handful.

BIXI (CONT'D)
44 Okay that should be good. 44
They continue to dig out more fistfuls.

BIXI (CONT'D)
45 Too much! That’s too much crap. 45

Anubis and Hue continue to stack an absurdly large amount of

poop within their arms.

BIXI (CONT'D)
46 Stop!! 46

OPENING CREDITS

"The Oddities"
 DIVINE 6.

ACT ONE

EXT. H.Q - DAY

PUSH IN: A regular old office building perched on a mountain

above the clouds. Pegasus, fairies and phoenixes fly past.

INT. H.Q - G’S OFFICE - DAY

Hue and Anubis sit in two office chairs. Along the wall Bixi
sits slumped over, still tripping balls. Before the two of
them, sitting proud is their boss and head director of the
organization- G (baby faced with a big, bushy, white beard,
he’s stern and speaks with a sassy lisp).

Beside G is a monitor showing complicated schematics of the

victims heart, the poopy substance, and an x-ray rendering of
a lotus flower.

G
47 Nice job jabronis. We ran the 47
tests. We’re dealing with some of
the hardest shit on the streets,
what the kids are calling Lotus.
Consume enough of it, and your
organs erode to shit...

The monitor blinks with a computer rendering of the heart. G

SLAMS the desk in frustration.

G (CONT'D)
(gravelly, dramatic)
48 Goddammit. That’s a lotta poop for 48
a lil heart.

Hue and Anubis get awkward in their seats. Hue <STRUGGLES TO

SPEAK> before the words finally come out.
HUE
49 What... what do you mean by that? 49

G
(complete 180)
50 Well by no means am I trying to say 50
that poop in the heart is a normal
circumstance for any day of the
week. I acknowledge that.

Hue and Anubis breathe a <SIGH OF RELIEF>.

"The Oddities"
 DIVINE 7.

G (CONT'D)
51 But for the actual size of the 51
organ- that is surely an
exceptional volume of poop to have
been stored inside.

ANUBIS
52 Oh okay. 52

HUE
53 Yeah, no, you’re making a lotta 53
sense.
(turns to Bixi)
54 See Bixi, that’s it. All you had to 54
say.
Bixi’s face is completely swollen. He <STRUGGLES> to breathe.

G
55 I couldn’t care less about drugs, 55
but that shit smells and is fucking
gross. We need you to infiltrate
the supply chain, and shut down
this operation once and for all.

G’s monitor displays crude images to match his instructions.

G (CONT'D)
56 We got word on an island out in the 56
Mediterranean. Some bohos up there
call themselves the Lotus Eaters,
manufacturing this shit en masse.
Pissing me off. Go find them. Find
the king pin. And fuck him up.

Anubis and Hue stare focused.

ANUBIS
57 As in arrest him. 57

G
58 Yeah, just fuck him up. 58

ANUBIS
59 Like arrest. 59

G
60 Listen, I didn’t know this 60
motherfucker existed twenty minutes
ago and now I want him dead.

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 DIVINE 8.

ANUBIS
(genuine)
61 Where is this coming from? Did 61
something happen at home?

G
62 God you suck so much. Ripped jackal 62
body, can’t talk to a pretty girl.

G <SIGHS> and stares out the window.

G (CONT'D)
63 I haven't slept in thirty-six 63
hours. The neighbours keep blasting
rap music. I’m so tired my brain
isn’t working. I’m sorry about what
I said. You’re shy. I know that.

ANUBIS
64 What-- 64

G
65 Get the hell out of my face. 65

EXT. MEDITERRANEAN SEA - SPEED BOAT - DAY

Hue holds a bag of magical wind, propelling them across the

sea. Anubis stares at a map confused.

ANUBIS
(focused on map)
66 It’s not true by the way. 66

HUE
67 What? 67

ANUBIS
68 I have talked with pretty girls. 68

HUE
69 Man that was hours ago. Why would 69
you open with that as if I’d have
any clue what you’re talking about?

ANUBIS
70 I don’t know. 70

HUE
71 You don’t gotta worry about me man- 71
an island of hippies... I eat that
shit for breakfast.

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 DIVINE 9.

ANUBIS
72 I know you do. Don’t get any fancy 72
ideas. We have a mission. You can’t
spend eternity indulging in
whatever pleasure you want.
(self-righteous pause)
73 A good life requires balance. 73

Awkward pause.

HUE
74 What you want me to clap or 74
something?

POLICE SIRENS WAIL from the distance.

ANUBIS
75 Aw nuts, guards. What do we do? 75

HUE
76 Quick pretend you’re asleep. 76

Hue and Anubis collapse inside the boat, fake sleeping.

ALL BLACK - EYES CLOSED

A boat engine SPUTTERS to a stop.

GUARD 1
(nasally)
77 Halt! No trespassing! This is 77
private--

GUARD 2
78 Hey- watch it. They’re sleeping! 78

The guards start WHISPERING.

GUARD 1
79 Oh! I didn’t even realize. 79

GUARD 2
80 It took me a moment or two, myself. 80

GUARD 1
81 Who would sleep on a boat? 81

GUARD 2
82 I was wondering the same thing. 82

"The Oddities"
 DIVINE 10.

GUARD 1
83 Surely a mattress would be much 83
more comfortable than the hard
wood.

GUARD 2
84 Maybe they're really tired. 84

GUARD 1
85 Maybe. 85

GUARD 2
86 Should we sleep too? 86

GUARD 1
87 What? 87
(beat)
88 Okay yeah let’s sleep too. 88

GUARD 2
89 In their boat? 89

GUARD 1
90 Yeah, yeah. In their boat. Here 90
I’ll hold us still.

94 SFX: BOAT SPLASHING, BOOTS SQUEAKING, BODIES TUMBLING AGAINST

94
WOOD

GUARD 2
(elated)
91 This is so crazy. 91

SFX: BODY SLOWLY SLIPPING INTO THE ROCKING BOAT

GUARD 1
92 Goodnight Hansel. 92

GUARD 2
93 Sweet dreams Wilbur. 93

A beat.

GUARD 1
94 Hansel? 94

GUARD 2
95 Yeah Wilbur. 95

GUARD 1
96 What do you want to do tomorrow? 96

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 DIVINE 11.

GUARD 2
97 I don’t know... let’s see what the 97
rest of today has in store for us.

GUARD 1
(through a smile)
98 Okay. 98

EXT. MEDITERRANEAN SEA - SPEED BOAT - CONTINUOUS

Anubis and Hue get up. The guards are fast asleep in their
underwear, with their clothes neatly folded away.

HUE
99 What the fuck? 99

ANUBIS
100 I don’t... let’s just leave. 100

HUE
101 When did they take off their 101
clothes?

Anubis grabs the uniforms as he hops in the police boat.

EXT. ISLAND OF THE LOTUS EATERS - COAST - DUSK

The police boat GPS leads the boys right to the island.

ANUBIS
102 We’re here. 102

HUE
103 How can we be here this is just... 103
(realizing)
104 Oh mama. 104

Floating before them lies an expanse of shipwrecks. Various

boats smashed together, held tight by overgrown vines and
trees. An artificial island. At its center lays a giant,
ancient cruise ship with a few dozen boats sticking out like
growths. Inside DANCE MUSIC BLARES as disco lights flash.

The police boat pulls up to a dock. Anubis and Hue step off
donning the guards uniforms. A scrawny imp creature with a
lion’s mane scampers up to them desperately, a SPHINX.

SPHINX
(gollum voice)
105 Not so fast! To get past you must 105
solve my riddle- so steadfast!

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 DIVINE 12.

HUE
106 <GROANING> Goddammit it’s a sphinx. 106

Anubis <SIGHS> incredibly bothered.

SPHINX
107 Now... I’m thinking of a colour 107
that rhymes with glue.

ANUBIS
108 Blue. 108

SPHINX
(human voice)
109 FUCK. 109

Anubis and Hue brush past him. The sphinx continues to <LOSE
HIS SHIT> in the background.

EXT. ISLAND OF THE LOTUS EATERS - LOTUS CRUISE SHIP - SOON

The two approach the main doors of the center cruise ship.

ANUBIS
110 Don’t think for one second I’m 110
letting you out of my sight. I know
what kind of wacky hijinks you love
to get roped into.

HUE
111 I’m wacky... but I’m lovable! 111

ANUBIS
112 Remember the mission. Control 112
yourself. Keep those pearls peeled
for anything crazy or illegal.

HUE
113 Fine. 113

INT. LOTUS NIGHT CLUB - CONTINUOUS

Anubis KICKS the doors open to reveal a very crazy and very
illegal party. The entire ship has been repurposed into a
nightclub, with rooms all over to fulfil any wildest fantasy.

ANUBIS
(flat)
114 You are all under arrest. 114

END OF ACT ONE

"The Oddities"