:fr

ail 1I

Setti,ng the Frame:

D efinition, Functions,
and Typology of Rituals
JANINE ROBERTS

rN THrs cHAprER, TEE HrsroRy of the use of rituals in family therapy is

tracked alld dtuals are distinguished fmm other q?es of thempeutic intgr-
ventions. I explorc the power of rioals to shape, transmit, change, and help
us unde$tand values and beliefs; I also consider the capacity of dtual to
make, nurk, and heal our sociai rclationships. Six different ritual pattems
as well as four different kinds of rituals are piesented along with questions
for dialogue and reflection with lamily members and therapists.

THE PROBLEM OF DEFIMTION

Ritual has been used as such a Beneral term both popularly and acrcss
academic disciplines that the problem of definition has to be addrcssed.
For use clinically in family therapy, ritual needs to be defined narrowly
enough to distinguish it from other types of inteflentions, yet broadly
enouBh to encompass the range of dtual interventions that families and
clidcians can create. I will look first at how the term has alreadv been
used in rhe field of family rherap), rhen rerum ro rirual c root\ jn anthro-
pology, and emerge with the definition of ritual that is used in this book.

Ritu as Used in Systens Family Therapy

Ritual was formally introduced to ihe systems models of family therapy
in 1974 by Selvini Palazzoli in her book Sefstunation: From the Intftt-
4 RITUALS ]N FAMILIES AND FAMILY 'T}IERAPY
pslchic to the Transpersonal Approach to Anor.eria Ne,?oia. This book
(much of which was odginally published in Italian in 1963) has several
chapters at the end, written in the early seventies, in which Palazzoli
begins 1() describe the first work of the Milan group (this included at that
time Cecchin, Prata, Boscolo, and helself). A11 were psychiatrists who
had been tryinB since 1969 to shift from a psychoanalytic mode of ther-
apy to a systems approach. In Sely'Sldnddor, dtual in therapy was de-
fined as "an action, or a series of actions, accompanied by verbal fomulae
and involving the entire family. Like every itual it must consist of a
regular sequence of steps taken at the right time and in the right place"
(1974, p.238).
Two very bdef case vignettes were incl\tded lD Self Staflation. The
firsl was a dtual with a family with an aggressive six-and-a-half-year-
old boy who had been ffeated with massive doses ofsedatives. The treat-
ment team was struck by how the boy was allowed to act viciously at
home. in ways that would not have been tolerated fiom other childrcn,
because of his "sickness." As a way to frame his behavior differently,
the therapjsts prescribed the following ritual. Together the family mem-
bers were to go in a procession to the bathrcom, and ceremoniously pour
the medicines down the toilet one by one. The father was asked to sol-
emnly say to his son. "Today we were told by the docto$ that we must
throw all these medicines away because you are perfectly well. AII you
are is a naughty child, and we simply wo['t take any more of your non-
sense." The father also rcpeated as each medicine was emptied, "You
are perfectly well" (Selvini Palazzoli, 1974, p.237). The rituat created a
frame that the son was expected to follow family norms for behavior.
The second ritual was prescribed for a family with an anorexic daughter
(later identified as Nora in a morc extensive writeup of the case [Selvini
Palazzoli, Boscolo, Cecchin, & tunta, 191'11\. In this family, no one
could speak ill of the powerful extended clan, so the nuclear family
members were asked to Iock the door and sit down fol an hour with
everyone taking an equal amount of time to give his or her opinions
about the families of odgin. This ritual was designed to implicitly shift
the family rule regarding expression of negative opinions about extended
family.
In the same year, the Milan group (Selvini Palazzoli et al., Iq74) re-
ported on two other rituals. The first was a burial ritual lbr a l'amily with
a yolrng daughter. She had stopped eating aftcr hcr hflhy brdher died
four days after birrh. No one had talked dircclly flh(nrl his dcath. The
lamily was asked to acknowledge the inlir[l's (le lh irr I wuy that the
little girl could understand. They took sonrc ol hcf hlrhy br)thoas cloth-
ing and buried thcm. talking about whnt hn(l hrrl)lx'rr((l lr) hirll. fhc other
DEFINITION, FUNCfiONS, AND TYPOLOGY OF RITUALS 5
was a
tualized contract with a young boy to stop soiling his pants if
the parents stopped all their efforts to have his teeth straightened and
special eyeglasses prescribed (effofts that medical specialists did not
think would help him that much anyway). The team did not deal wirh
the issue of definition in this article, emphasizing instead the efficacy of
rituals, saying, "family dtuals of this kind ate among the most important
and effective therapeutic te.hniques that we devised in the course of our
research into rapid and decisive intervention with dysfunctional families,,
t. 438).
In19'77, Palazzoli a\d her colleagues retumed to the problem of defi-
nition as they descdbed in more detail the dtual used with the anorexic
woman, Nora, focusing on how dtual was used to influence the family
myth of "one for all and all for one" of the tightly joined extended fam-
jly. They defined dtual at this point as actions that arc prescribed in
detail (e.g., time, place, order.) for rhe family and that ie sometimes
Llone in conjunction rvirh verbal me..age.. ihel emphosized rhar rhe
power of the ritual lies in the fact that it is closer to the analogic nonver-
bal code rhan ro rhe digital. They also highlighted the difficutties in de-
signing each dtual anew for families.
Descdptions of anoth shift in the Milan group's definition of ritual
were published in 1978. Palazzoli and colleagues (1978a) presented the
odd days/even days dtualized prescription, where only the formal aspects
of the dtual (e.9., on "even days" the farher is to do rhe parcntini, on
"odd days" the mother) were prescdbed and the actual interactions were
not. This interve[tion could therefore be used with a number of diverse
families wherc they felt the parcnts were involved in symmetrical dis
qualifications around the behavior of a child. The Milan associates went
on in Paradox and Counterparudox (1978b) to give several examples of
rituals with "schizophrenic families," always emphasizing the impor-
tance of presenting the ritual in the larger ftame of positive connotation
of the family dilemma.
Over time, one can discem a loosening of the Milan group's definition
of rilual. 'l here i\ a mo\ement auay lrom aluays needing rerbal ele-
ments, less emphasis on the importance of prescribing a pafticular place
or time to perform the dtual, and some awareness of the imporlanie of
open rather than highly prescdbed parts to the ritual (e.g., with the odd
days/even days ritual, where the family chooses the content).
In 1978, the safie year that Paradox anil Counterparadot was p]ub-
lished in English, van der Haft's book on psychotherapy and rituals was
published in Dutch. Van der Hart, who had become interested in the
relationship between dtuals and therapy from the work of the Milan
group, extended this wo* with a broader conceptual base through the
(i RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAM]LY THERAPY
stL y of riluals done in anthropobgy. However, there was not much
lccess to this book in North America until it was translated into English
rn(l issucd as Rituals iti Pslchotherary: Tranition and Continuit\
rl,'r.lr. Here, \dn der Han dclined ritual as:
ll'l,cscribcd slmbolic acts that Dust bc peioDned in n.ertain way and in a cetaiD
,) iler, r d da! or may Dot be accomphied by verbal fomulas.
lJ0snLcs rhe idmxl aspects, an expe.iential aspeci of nludls can be dntinguished.
ll( r r nl i\ pertomed with much irvollement. lf rhar n nol Lhe c.se. lhen Ne are
Lll irr rl)our empry riuals.
( irrxir rilLrh rrc rcpeatedly perlomed $roughout the lilcs of those concerned:
,r|i.,.. ,tr, rhc contrary. are perlomed onl), once (bui can be perlimed again by orher
V,llr ,l.r llrrr nlso discussed the impo(ance of open and closed parts jn
irllr 1l l )t! r t)rns provide enough fluidity so that pafiicipants can invest
rl! ''\ttri(rx'( with thejr own evolviflg and idiosyncratic
( l,r, il |trrrs lJrl)vide eDorgh slructure to give safety to strong emotional
,, r r \ ,
l)r\s on impotant new cultural information, and give form
.
I 1 r r
I
, r r L r r
r,, rlr, ,rL iri)lls Vrn der Harl enlarged upon the definition ofthe Milan
t r, {,1, 1, \ rrlrt{hrrillg the nolion of "empty" orhollow rituals. This means
rlrrr ,r r llr1l tn.s.rihcd in therapy cannot be viewed soleiy liom the per-
Itr,lr\L,,1 $l|rr lhc lherapist says aboul the ritual, but must be under-
t,,Ltrl lrL'rr rlr' t)rrli(ip Dts' experience of it as well. The importance of
ill \, rli r! rl Ir llr. riluirl is also highlighted by the necessity of including
Itr'tlr ,ltr r ,rrl ( lLrs.(l p I1s. Finally, van der Hart acknowledged that
rirlrrl ,rr 'tr L Lr ,,|lll oncc. thal it need not be repeated iD order to be
,1, irrr , L, , ,r irtrrl
lllIt,tl,t\ t\,,l ut.\ltl|1tt)loqr l six key aspects to ritual, especially collective ceremonies, of which fam-
\. tr' 1, r , r,, ,rrllrr)tr)lo8y. we find that, dthough anthrcpologists do
rrn ,rt r,, , r llr. ',t! rrrionrl limits of the concept of ritual, there has
lr , rt , ,,|!r! | ,! i i t,lrrn. ol 'Iurner's definitioi of ritual as "prescribed
I',Ir,rl lr lr,r\ r,r i,rr rr r llsiorrs Dot given over to technological rcutine,
lr,r\rlrI r! lL !,!,1,,ltrlrLl\ r nryslical beings or powers. The synrbol is
tlt' lllill, i,,|lll ,'l rlL L" lli)()7, p. l9). Yct Tumer himself went beyond
tlrr I'li,,rt 'rj ri, ,i,lrl.r w(nk. 1() look at so called secular itual where
\ l
',1
,ir ,r!,rl rt)rlrrl rc(ion have migrated iDto othcr arcrs. such
l\ illrriltrrl) \ N ln' n.(L , ... lt{ rltr tr!nil!)rlr_rinc.
'il fi'1r d (n[1i rLrlt. , ! l][Lr'1 ,)7] l, 8).
' 6.
DEFINITION, FUNCTIONS, AND TYPOLOGY OF RITUALS
as politics, advertising, alrd the law. In 1974 he even went so far as to
organize (alolg with Max Gluckman and Sally F. Moore) a conference
in Burg Waflenslein. Ausrria, entirled -Secular Riluals Conridered. ln
the book which emerged from the proceedings of this meetjng Moore
and Myerhoff made the point that anthropological study of ritual has
often been limited to rcligious and magical aspects of a culture, parlly
because anthmpologists have so often worked in societies,.in whiih ev
erything has a religious significance ..." (197'7, p. 3). However, rhey
noted that as societies have become more secular thev have continued to
carry wirhin lhem unqueslionable leners rhil ha!e Lhe.ame role in.ioci
ety as rcligion; further, they sress the importance of recognizing the
"sacredness" of these tenets and the rituals cairied out around rhem
Theh definition of sdcr€d goes beyond the ffadirional religious definirion
to focus on specialness-something imbued with meaning beyond the
ordinary. This fits wirh Durkheim's (1915) norion that rituat iuncrions
meaning. as a frame hiBhlighting rhe sacred as ser apan. coody (19?7), while nor
enamored of the term ritual, noted that Turner's definition can be used
for secular rituals by omifiing the phrase "having reference Io beliefs in
mystical beings."
'I umer'. rlooTr definirion xl.o highlight.
rr?b"/, a\ the buitding
blocks of riru.rl'. He erplained Lhe .igniticince oi.ymbol. in rhrec are,i
(1) ability to carry multiple meanings and thus confibute to the open
parts of rituals; (2.) the ways symtxlls can lirrk several disparate phenom-
ena thar could nor be joined as complexl) rhrough $ord\; and l3r the
abilil] ol slmbol\ lo worl uirh bolh the \en(or) and cognrtite poles ot'
meaning simultaneously.
Rappaport, who has written on cybemetics and rituals, also noted that
the term ritual is not limited to religious practices. He elucidated (1971)
ily rituals are a part:
1. Repetition not ftcessariiy jusr in action but also of conrent
and
2. r4di,?g-not just saying or $inking someihing but also doing
thing.
some_
Special behayior at stJlizario,l-where behaviors and symbots are set
aPart from iheir usual common uses.
O/./er some beginning and end and containment tbr spontaneiry.
5. Erocotive presentational s4le wherc rhrough sraging and focus an
"attentive state of mind" is creared.
C,' r.riv? dinc|sr\t $here rhcre L rocidl meanrn!
8 RITUALS IN FAMIL]ES AND FAMILY THERAPY DEFINITION, FUNCTIONS, AND TI?OLOGY OF zuTUALS 9

In her later work, Myerhoff accepted and drew upon these key aspects mas; and then the taking down of the tree, writing thank you cards, etc.).
of ritual, but also highlighted the physiological aspects of dtual with its These prccesses need to evolve in therapeutic rituals. Years of tradition
'tostumes, mask, colors, textures, odors, foods, beverages, songs, dances, are not necessadly iherc to alraw upon. Also, in thempeutic rituals one is
props, settings and so forth" (1917, p. 199\. In addition, she discussed consciously creating new tradition rather fhan doing it the "same old way."
the inherent contradiction of ritual, in that a ritua.l defines reality yet
happens in a "sacred" time and space that is outside of the usual "real- Working Dejinition of Ritudl
ity." Therapy works with this same contradiction, in that it is seen as a
process to rework day-to-day inteGctions yet happens in a special time Rituals are coevolved qmboLic acts that include not only the ceremo ial
and space that is outside of the usual boundaries of daily intemction. aspects of the actual presenxttio of the ritual, but the process of prepar-
ing fot it as well. h na! or ilq) not include vrords, but does ha.)e both
Cridcal, analylic thought, the altitude which would pierce the ilusion of reality is ope and closed parts vthich arc "held" together by a guidinq metdphor.
maihema 10 .itual. The fiction unde.lying ritual is twofold: first, rhar .ituals tre not
made up prcduclions, md second, that the contradictions embraced by their symbols
Repetition can be d part of rituals through either the co te t, the form,
have been eEsed. . . . Rituals can be distin8uished from cusrom and mere habit bt ot the occasion. There should be enough space in therapeutic ritutLk for
their ulilization of synbols. They have significance fd beyo.d the infomalion hms the incorporation of fltulliple meanings by vdrious fdmil! fiefibers and
mitted. They may accompli$h tasks, accomlmy rcutine and i.stnmental procedurcs, clinicians, as well as a Nariet! of lerels of participation.
but they always go beyond ihem, endowing sorne larger meanins to activities they A way to opemtionalize this definition is to compare ritual to the more
e as@iated vith. (Myerhoff, 1977, p!. 199 200)
common tasks that are given in family thempy (see Table 1.1).
From anthropology, then, in defining ritual, we gain an emphasis on
the power of symbols, the necessity of action, physiological aspects, and Cdse Example: Mfiing, Matching arul Masquerading with Hats
the coordination of order and spontaneity. Together, these combine to
create a frame of "specialness" beyond the everyday. Also, there has To elucidate these differences. a case will be described from a team at
been a common acceptance of the three-part stages of dtual that Van the University of Massachusetts using Ericksonian hypnothempy and
Gennep filst wrote about in 1909. In the first stage, separation, sffJcial Milan approaches, with both a task and a ritual designed for the same
prepamtions are made and new knowledge is passed on as the frame is prcsenting problem-
set for markin8 a particular event. This time of preparing for fte ritual
is as important a part of the ritual process as the actual event itsell The
TABLE 1.1
second stage is the lirair? al or tftrtsitional, $therc people actually paitake
Rnr'nl l)iftercnriaied From Task
of the dtual and expedence themselves in new ways and take on new
roles, new identities. The third stage is rcaggregatio or rei tegration RITUAL TASK
wherc people are reconnected to their commurlity with their new status.
Norks Nith multiple meanings on More focus on the behavionl lerel of the
Before moving into the definition of ritual used in this book, which beharioml. cogniiive a.d afL.tire leleh.
has its rcots in both anthopology and family therapy, an important dis- IntcBention includes both open md.tosed MoE emphlsis on doine $e intervenrion
tinction needs to be made between the use of ritual in cultuml contexts pefrs with space lor the idnily to dspftscribed wnh a pEdicted outcome.
(anthropological view) and the use of ritual in the thempy context. Ritual inprovne wilhi. the nore open parls. (Olten the lhempnt has a vnion, il the
Therapnt h not necessarily so suro yhat family d@s &e task in thn vat, then this
is not just the ceremony or actual performance, but the whole process of
the iasily will creare wnh the rilual. Nor
preparing fol it, experiencing it, and rcintegmtion back into everyday is tne rhempist pdticulaly inrEEsted in
life. This seems particularly impotant to emphasize when working with pEdicting whal lhe family will look" like
rituals in therapy because iD a sense all three phases need to be devel-
Reliane on syinboh a.d slmbolic dction More €limce on the co.cEte Nith lnlle
oped. With cultwal dtuals, the three stages have alrcady been clearly
emphasis on nullivocality of symbols.
defined and built into the process (for instance, with Christmas, there is
Prcpamlio., the coevolving ol tho Focus on the lctual doing, noL nece*arily
the cutting of the bee, the baking of Christmas treats, the buying of gifts cerenrony, is !n essEmi.l pan of thc ixrl
in secrecy; then there js the actual celebration of Chdsunas Eve and Chris!
 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AN-D FAMILY THERAPY DEFIN]TION, FUNCTIONS. AND TYPOLOGY OF RITUALS

A mother came in for teatment with her teenage daughter and son,
age 10. The son was identified by the family as the pe$on having prob- TABLE 1,2
lems. He had ftequent outbursts of anger at home and both mother and Ritual Differentiated aom Ta3k in Case Example
daughter complained that he did not follow family rules. The exhusband RITUAI TASK
had just moved back into the arca after having been gone for about six
yea6. There was a peripheral boyfriend who lived with them but did not L Mnliple meanings of sood" lnd bad" Focus on speilic behavios. Mom is to
hals, who can wear lnem. put them on and connenl l*ice on posidle behavios of
want to come to the therapy sessions or parent the childrcn. He just son dd to ralk Nice $ith boyliend on
warted to be a ftiend to them. how rhe daushter comenB on eood"
As we talked with the family, the mother said she and her ex-husband
had had some marital therapy before they divorced. At the time, in the A nunbo or ope. pds including whetber Faniu nenbes ae dire.ted to carry out
ro but hars for the cars, plrcenenl of the aciions wiLh few open pds.
thempy, her husband had been identified as "the man with the black haf'
hats.limes they would shiit h!Ls.
and sh; was the "woman with the white hat."':These were roles that each
(ey synbols and symbolic actions $cB No synbols or synbolic &tions inclnded.
of them brought from their families of origin (the bad child and the good ihe haN and die possibilities ol weaing
child). The mother stated that making these rcles explicit had been help- hxts differenr and/or rhe same in color.
ful in the previous therapy. ?eptration of golry as a fmily (i.cluding Looking lor peoplc to cary out tne lasks.
As we worked with the family, we saw that the same distinction stdk- boyftiend who wa dbilalent abour No enphasis on pEprntion
ingly occrmed in the next generadon. The daughter was the "good hat," comine to session, to buy lhe hats d
sel{tlng a place lor rhem de een !s
where the son was the "bad hat." The daughtff was mother's confidante e$enlial parrs oi de inual.
and very much a parental child who did a lot of disciplining of the "bad"
child. The son was more challenging of family rules, morc outspoken,
and much more Iikely to talk about things that were upsetting to him.
In the fourth session, we did a lot of questioni[g regarding who wore Instead, what we gave them was an iderliO, ritual aime.d at rcworking
"white" and "black hats" around the house and outside of the house and at and establishing new roles by promoting role revelsals. (See Chapter 2
what times. We found out that the son wore some "good" hats-he played on Ritual Themes.) We asked the family, including the boyfriend, to go
the tumpet, had a lot of musical talent, and actually did quite well in out and buy two white hats and two black hats, perhaps of different sizes
school. The daughter tumed out to wear the "black haf' sometimes when and shapes (this inteflention was given the week of Halloween). If they
she had babysitting jobs and other rcsponsibilities outside of ihe house and wanted to, they could try on different hats, see which ones they liked on
did not follow through. We also asked what hats fhe boyfriend worc to each other-have some fun trying them on. Also, they might even find
bring his pesence into the room. Intriguingly, we found out during the some hats fff
the cats. Then, we asked them to put the hats out in a
discussion that they had a white cat and a black cat and perceived the place in the house where they felt the most sense of connection. They
white cat as the "good" one and the black one as the "naughty" one. said this was a wood stove that they often gathered arcund. We asked
If we had given a task to this family at the end of this session, it might them to then use the hats when they wanted to call attentiolt to roles that
have been something like this: "Mom, over the next week, watch for they were playing which were different ftom the usual; say, if the son
when your son is exhibiting positive behaviors and twice thank him di- wanted to call attention to the fact he was being a good hat, he could
rectly for it. Wrile those times down and bring them into session. Also, put on a white hat. Or someone else in the family might take on the bad
discuss with your boyfriend at least twice each week how your daughter hat role or two hats at once, or place a hat on another member. We
comments on the white hat behavior of her brother." asked them to mix up who could wear them when and where.
This is very different from the task described earlier in seveml ways.
First, there are the symbols of the hats and the symbolic actions involved
'We de awde of the connotaion rhlt black is "bad" and white h good" inhmnt in rhk interven- in riaking conscious choices to put them on and take them off (e.9., one
ion,In thh panicultr insta.ce se chose ro pick up on the fflmily s use ofthe white and blacl( hats,
but Nould not ncce$eily recomnend usi.g lhis ideawith olh{ families. as n inditctly peQetoltes can control one's behavior consciously) or to put them on someone else
("I see and interpret your behavior in particular ways"). This opened
 r? RITUALS IN FAMiLIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
the possibility of redefining roles, as well as challenging rhe implicit
intergeneratiolal, gender-based rules. There are also many open pafts in
terms of choosing the hats, whether to get hats for the cats or not, place-
ment of the hats in the house, and deciding when to wear them, further
supporting family flexibility as well as introducing humor and play. The
ritual was action oriented in both the going out together to get the hats
and the mobility of the hats from pe^on to person. Also, the process of
preparing for the ritual going to get the hats as a family and deciding
wherc to put them marks farnily cohesion. Preparation for the ritual is
as important as the dtual itself. Finally. it worked with multiple levels
ofmeaning, involving past rclationships, curent ones, as well as possible
future roles,
Crucial distinctions between ritDal and task include the multiple mean-
ings embodied in the ritual and its symbols, the emphasis on the coevolu-
tion of the ritual process with the family, the inclusion of open parts,
and focus on preparation as being as important as the actual performance
of the ritual (see Table 1.2).
FUNCTIONS OF RITUALS
Ritual is a starement in metaphoic terms aboul the para-
doxes of human existence.
C. Crocker (1973, p. 47)
Rituals provide "ftameworks for expectancy" (Douglas, 1966) where,
through the use of rcpetition, familiarity, and traDsfbrmation of what is
,lready known, flew behaviors, actions, and meanings can occur. Time
is collapsed in dtuals. Changes in lhe present are grounded in past tradi-
tions, while future relationships are defined. Paflicularly important is the
action component of rituals, in that they speak not drout rcles, rules,
rclationships, and world views, but in roles, relationships, rules, and
wodd views as these elements arc shifted in the dtual (Davis, 1987).
Beyond action, dtuals have available to them the density and multivocal-
ity of symbols. Symbols, as the smallesl unit of ritual (Tumer, 1967),
can hold multiple, disparate meanings as well as describe what cannot
be expressed economically in words. For instance. a net can be seen both
as a symbol of entmpment, and one of safety. The ability of rituals io
link time, hold contmdictions, and work with relationship shifts in action
offers us particular tools to work with and hold incongruities between
the actual and the iderl
DEFINITION. FUNCTIONS, AND TYPOLOGY OF RITUALS 1l
In a retirement ceremony I observed, new roles and relationshiPs were
enacted, while the ritual provided a safe space to examine both the com-
plexities of the retiring person's career and the actual process of her
;edrement. This was a panicularly poignant ceremony because the ad-
ministrator who was rciiring, Dr. Susan Marks, the head of a school of
nusing, had been sick over the last several months and no one knew
exactly what the illness was, although rumors had been circulating tbat
it was life-threatening. Fufther, it was not clear how much the rctirement
was her choice, and thele were many mixed feelings about how success
ful her administration had been. A number of people who had worked
with Dr. Marks chose not to attend and the people who were there had
lived for some time with the ambiguities of whelher this was retircment
by choice, of the life-threatening aspects of the illness, and of lack of
definition of who was leading their unit. People gathered for dinnel,
speeches,
_ and the presentation of gifts.
Of the ten people who spoke dudng the dinner, most began by telling
personal vignettes of their rclationship with Dr. Marks. This grouflded
iheir roles as numes together, teachefi, grantwriters, and administrators
in hospitals. This began to highlight the very important ways some peo-
ple had conne.ted with Dr. Marks and her work in the context of the
ibsence of many people who had not found this kind of relationship with
her. After telling these vignettes, the speakers all went on to talk about
the significance of her work. As they described her work on the national
level through her writing, at the slate Ievel as almost a legislative lobby-
ist, and at the univerujty through multiple responsibilities, the scope of
her work began to emerge. Ultimately, a much larger world vjew of tle
retiring penon's work was woven than any one pemon could have prc-
sented. Finally, people commented on what they would like their new
relationship to be with her and how they might work with her in the
future. This included such details as Fojects they might ask her to con-
sult on, classes she might come back to teach, as well as places they
might want to go with her. The transition out of old relalionships and
roles had already begun as people began to define new possibilities.
ln addition, one pe^on who spoke had recently had a bout with a
severe illness. His comments on how this affected his life and on his
happiness that he had the strength to be there that night provided a very
poignant space for people to indlrectly experience some of thei own
iears about Dr. Marks's illness that could not be discussed openly.
At the end of the speeches and open comments ftom the floor, two
symbol\ uere pre.enled as gii\ lrom the group. fhe lir'l wa' a cculplure
of a Jancerin an.bslracl de\ign that held bolhpo\ erand enerty mo!ing
out into space ard a sense of immobilization with one leg gone lt cap-
 RITUALS IN FAMILIES A}]D FAMILY THERAPY r5
DEFINITION, FUNCTIONS, AND T\?OLOGY OF RTTUALS

tured the duality of what many saw as an administmtion overseen by

stability, as providing a controlled and safe place to solve penonal and
Dr. Markc. \ahich had been \ery acrj\e behind lhe \cene., bul some\ah;l
social problems and validating the ongoing social structure (Comstock,
immobilized in impo{ant day-to-day decisions. The other gift was a for-
1972). Tumer (1974) proposed going beyond this analysis to look at t}le
mal po(rait of the rctiree which would now hanB in the administration,s
lensive rclationship of ritual to stability and change: The same time that
conference room, Upon the unveiling of the picture, various comments
ritual is marking social order, it can fansform and destroy social struc-
were made) such as, "We can look up at you when we arc meeting in
tule and establish new nonns and new ffaditions. Ritual can thercfore
that room and ask you for advice," and "We how you,ll be watciing
not just ,?ark a transition, but also flrke a tmnsition simultaneously
over us." Only her symbolic presence would be in the building now. I;
F;r instance, in weddings some parts of dre ceremony seem to specifi-
markng new statuses and acknowledging the range of the old, the cere-
cally focus on marking the social order of this new couple coming to-
mony provided a safe space that could hold fol a brief pedod of time
gether in the same ways as millions of couples have done before them
the incongruities between the actual and the ideal of Dr. Marks,s admin-
(exchanging rings, taking the vows'1i11 death do us part," announcing
is[ation. While the coming together in one space highlighted who chose
the new titles ol husbdnd and wrle). In Westem culture these are all
not to come to honor Dr. Marks, it also prcvided a public forum for
common ways to indicate the hansition to a new nuclear fam y. This
other people to acknowledge their close and enduring relationships with
ransition is notjust marked, but also made at the same time The parents
her. While her illness could not be openly discussed, Dr. Marks,J public ''prve a!\a) lhe bride and groom. s)mboli/ing lherr leldng go ol lhem
appearance in good spirits and the description of her colleague,s illness
from rhe lamilt oforigin unil.'DurinB the ueddinB. the parenl.. po<ilion
allowed it to be indirectly acknowledged. Clarification of what Dr.
in rclation to their marrying children changes. By the end of the wed_
Marks had done in her work was combined with a clear definition ofher
ding, the couple is walking out together, and later, leaving together to
movement out of her old status.
go to a special piace fol the honeymoon. Besides new rcles taken on by
Riruals have mulliqle lunclions. uhich ha\e been highliehled b) \ari-
the immediate family, new roles may be asked of the community of
ous scholcr. of rilual.' ln rhis seclron. drd$ ing primaril) lrom anrhropol
witnesses who have gathered to celebrate the wedding as well A newly
ogy, I will examhe the functions of rituals as these help to elucidate ;hat
developed ritual that I have seen recently at weddings involves asking
happens as families pafiicipate in daily, familial, and cultural and reli.
the guests to stand, to put out one hand toward the couple, and to prom-
gious rituals.
ise that they will provide community support for the couple through both
good and difficult times.
Sttltctare, Action a d Meaning: Ritual as Intercom At the same time that the transition is made and marked, there is space
in the celebralion for new traditions to be established. For instance, the
Inoked at from the symbolic "inside ouC. (rarher than couple may choose to honeymoon in a place to which they will then
the fir.ctionalist "outside in,,), dtual can be seen as a retum for their anoiversaries. Playing the "Anniversary Waltz" at the recep-
symbolic inrercom berween the leyel of cutturat fiought don may not only mark the annivenades of people attending the wed-
and conplex culrural meanings on the one hand, and ding but also start the tradition of celebrating the anniversary of the
that of social action and irnmediate eveni. on the orher wedding couple. As Tumer (1975) critiqued the faditional sociofunc
Munn as quoted in Dory (1986, p. 72) tionalist pamdigm:
-
Early social anthropologists highlighted how ritual reflects and sus- ' Unaotu.ar,el], itis usually only lhe woman Rho is 'siven away" officiallv in lhe ceremonr, which
tains a social order and marks specific community links (Hallowell, reiecs the parjanh,l remnants of$e wedding where Lh. tirdEr passes on his-!rop.nv to other
nan. See Tuleja's c!r,,6 C,r,rnr (198?) for ias.i.ating tidbits aboni otner wavs this shows up
l94l; Radcliffe-Brown, 1952). Ritual was seen as promoting intergroup in weddins ceiebrations, such as the tyine o. ol old shoe! 1o the coupleJ car' Ee co.rended thal
drn n lett over nonr tbe contaclual synbol of shoes in the ancient Ned Eat, wheE the pa$ing
I on ol ! sandal or a shoe signiied thal lhe ransacdon *as conpleted Anong the Anglo Sdons,
For .ohpEhensive reviers ot tne field of
ir.F.trl\ trf I rno lll).
itual, see crines_ zi.x innmps i Riluat Sturties t l9A2)
rhe lither of rhe bide gave ho nes husband one of her shoes to shoN dral hh authontv Nas pased
drd D.--- Uta.Bropa.. lt. rtun)-aJ rt,th- and R-t r/, , to8o, e.pe
on r. rhe new male. Signiiicantly,lhis ceicmony {as concluded bv the husband usi.g the shoe a
ciall] Chaptes rwo and threc).
r mook soeprci, lappirg his bride o. thc head wnh n' (p 67).
 ,(I RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
lllLrnolenouglmerel),o.unrderrheslmbo',.motecute.ot.,Lata,intormdr.onat
srorug.-unrF the) a e lhe.e and more and rr the -n ore..qe r.\e ,no .r tretd
o-
social dynmics where tual both mainrains the baditional forms of culrm
and be-
comes at nmes of major c.isis a inshlment for adjusting ne* norms and values
to
perennially polenr symbolic forms and discaitins oid orei from
tne ldeorosical poi;
of cruciat slmbols. (p. 80)
For instance, in the case described in Chapter 2 by Imber_Black of a
couple with two children who chose to ,,."mu.ry,,,fo* special glasses
\\ere bought by rhe pa-renrs u ilh each per<on . narne inscribed upJn
one.
These 8la're( uere used for their roan lo each other rn lheir -remarriage..
ceremon]. The family members then commenteal on how they plan;ed
Io use the gla\se\ al orher special famil) lime\. Thel al.o ireid rneir
'lemariage ceremony rn a holel. sa)ing.We ll come back ro the.ame
hotel next !ear "
. In conlra\l lo rhe social anlhropologi\ls empha(t\ on strucrure and
rirual. cuhural anthropologi\t\ ha\e locused oi n,aning in rirual and
how people consrucl map. ot rheir realiry. how rhey expiajn tho,e pafl\
ol the cosmos lo uhich none ofu. can be indiflerenl:binh aDd dearh
nlSht and dd). changing of the sea.ons. war and pedce. sepamrene.( dnd
to8ethemesc rCuller. 1487,. Rirual\ cafiJ cultural meaning pas\ed on
lhrou8h rhe different erperiences ol gene;arion.. ar uell os illowing op
porlunio tocreare ne\ paradlgms and ne\ melaphor\.
In the celebration of Easter, there are multiple meanings that have
been pa.sed doun \ ith lhe c)mbols ol rhe rabbit and egg._in renn,
oi
Ieflilil). liie al e rime of year $hen rhe eanh begins rol''ios.om ,gain.
and fecundify. Even the derivation of the word Easte. (which
"i-""
from lhe.godde.s Eosm) \ignifie. arvakenjng. U ilhin the larger culrure
this. holiday car signjfy a rebirrh from the riore dormant tirie of year.
In this context, families create new individualized metapho$ that o;era_
tionalize som€ of these meanings, as well as others Ori,t *" .igniii.unt
lo lheir oun famil) de\elopmenl. Egg. m") be decorated in Cra-ndrnorh.
er \ \q ie. or spec;al painted egg\ may be hancled do\ n lrom une
Benera-
tion to the nexr
ln Ma..achuselr\. a group of l0- l2 famjlie\ ha\e been satherinp lor
several )ear. al Ea\ter near i ri\er jouth ot Arnlersl Colleg"e. in a
ilace
lhat lools_oul over lhe rolling hill\ and Holloke r.rnge io l}le \oulh.
r\eryone lrrrng\ lood lo chare in a gloriou\ picnic. One year when I
participated, the chil&en played games while rhe adults hid ihe
eggs and
surprises that each of them had made with their children for thihunt.
TheD the Easter bunny appeared from over the hill and talked with the
children about what it meant to be fellow searchers looking lor that
which could nourish both their body and theil visiorr, and horithe olcler
DEFINITION, I L \C] IONS, A\D N POLOCY OI RIfUAfs
children should share with the younger what they found at the end. Away
the children went alonB the river and into the woods, helping each other
to find the eggs, exchanging treats, aDd letting the smallest children go
first. These families created their own meaning about searching, collabo-
ration, and help for their spring festivities.
ln Chapter 7 on four families' bar mitzvahs, Davis highlighrs how
each of the very different families (blended, nuclear, Russian immigrant,
and Hasidic missionary) found ways to transform the same ritual to cre-
ate meaning for each of their developmental needs.
Combining both the cultural perspective and social perspective of an-
thropology: ]Rirral ]{'orks cts both a maintainer and creator of social
structare for individ als, families and social communities, as rrell as a
mailt&iner and creator of y'orld viett.It can mediate between the two
arenas of stucture and meaning so that each defines, reflects, and eluci-
dates the other. As Doty explained in his excellent rcview of the study
of myth and ritual (1986):
It is nor m) inteDtion to develop only a sociofuncrionatisr posirion in which myrh and
ritual tue appreciated almost exchsively for rhei. consiructive roles in providing lhe
socjetal ghe thai binds societies and enabtes rhem 10 adjut to rhe poldities oiper
sonal exisrence. . . . I would like to move beyond such a posjtion by emphasi;ins
thal myths md .iluals do rhal anl aole. Specifically they not only provide funclional
resolutions of ch problems but they ako are creadve insofd as tley aje a communi,
cative meus though shich peBons flnd deaningtul systems of symbols for identify
in8 rhen experiences. Myrbs and riruals cmy the taditionat locietat asesments ;f
values asigned 1o thjs or that experiencej md they provide e impoianr means of
llling though one's life experiences lhen lhey become resources for jdentirying,
labelirg, ed relating to the forces experienced as acdve within one,s envnonme.i.
lp. t27)
The ability of dtual to work as an intercom between structure and mean-
ing provides it with potent possibilities to fansfbm.
Other Functions of Rituals
Ritual car hold both sides of a contradiction at the same time. We all live
with the ultimate pamdoxes of life/death, connection/distance, ideal/real,
good./evil. Ritual caD incorporate both sides of contradictjors so that
they can be managed simultaneously. For instance, a wedding ceremony
has within it both loss and mouming and joy and celebmtion. people
say, "You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a son-inlaw.,' parents
give their child away at the same time as they welcome a new member
to their extended Iamily.
IX RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY T}IER{PY
ll Kumasi. Ghana, I once danced in an Ashanti dance luneral wherc
wf tlorc all facing the same direction in a large circle and moving clock-
\rlx(. lo the rhythms of a drum orchestla. Each person individually bent
rlown lnd curled over, as if to feel the pain and loss of the pe$on who
lxxl (licd. But this motion was done within the context of the whole
llll,up, everyone feeling the hurt and then coming up into the circle to
ra.. lhc others, to move with their energy, and celebmte our own bodies
Irxl li{e. The movement itself held both sides of life and death.
I{itual may prcvide a way for people to find suPport and contain ent
htt \tnng ehotiotls (Scheff, 1979). For instance, with a wake, or sitting
illivl. there are certain prescdbed times for mouming. Groups of people
I r)rrc together to support each other with their sotow, shared foods are
lx(nrght, certajn clolhes may be wom, and particular words arc said.
llr(.rc is safety iII knowing that yoll can experience the depth of the
l(.(.li gs but with some circumscribed limits and group suppofi Like_
wis(, the ritualized aspects of funemls can provide some containment for
(l(\'t) l'eelings.
ln my family of origin, I have a younger brother, Mark, who has been
Irissillg for five yeals. He is an alcoholic and disappeared one day from
l rcsidential reatment center for alcoholism which he had voluntarily
toircd. we live with the difficult ambiguity of not knowing whether he
is (lc d or alive. Further. because we do not know wheiher he is alive,
rx, ritual (such as a funeral) is rcadily available to allow people to come
tollolher and mark his loss. After Mark firsl disappeared, family mem_
lx.rN could talk to one another about him in the context of ways they
w(rc searching to find him. However, over time, as no clues to his
whcrcabouts emerged, people found it difficult to talk to cach other
rh)( him. We ielt helpless about knowing what to do. Further, there
wcrc questions of blame (each of us might have done more to help him),
rfld residual superslitions that if we talked about him as if he were dead,
lhun that would in a sense mal(e him dead. These issues were all com
lx)unded by the fact that my parents were divorced, the family was scat
lercd widely geographically, and we seldom a1l came together.
'l'hen my mother went to an individual iherapist to talk about her sense
ol loss, something that we were having difficulty expressing to each
orhcr. The therapist suggested that my mother create some memodal for
lrcr lost son that would both honor him and acktowledge her pain. In a
rowboat out in the San Juan islands, she told me oI her lherapist's idea
lnd we began to talk of doing something together as a family. Over a
yoitr's time, my mother selected a comer of her garden where she could
kx)k out and see whatever memorial was created. We began to weed and
clc r out llis part of the garden. During this lime we began to trlk about
DEFINITION, FUNCTIONS, AND TYPOLOOY OF RITUALS r9
Mark more, as we knelt on our knees, digging into the earth. In August,
as family membem gathered from diferent pafis of the country, we de-
cided to go to the mountains and pick out a stone from a pa(icular hiking
trail he liked in the Nofih Cascades. This rock was then carried out by
backpack to the car and brougit to Seattle. On the day of the ce.emony,
my older brother played the south Indian flute as we walked in a proces-
sional out of the house and gathercd around tbe stone. Together we lifted
it into a place that had been prepared for it among some small ever-
greens. Then we each shared memories of Mark and what we wished foi
him in the future. There were many tears and some laughter as people
talked and moved closer together. My mother presented a scrapbook with
picturcs of Mark and written rccollections, asking us all to contribute to
it. This scmpbook, which my mother keeps at her house, provrdes an
ongoing way in which we can talk safely about our deep feelings about
Mark and contribute our continuing memories. It also contains the photos
from the ceremony that my brother-in-law took. My four-year-old
daughter, who participated in the ritual, chose to name a doll from China
that was given to her the day before "Cercmony." and asks often about
"the missing Mark."
SociaL coordindtio among indil)idltdls, fafiilies, and comfiu ities and
a ong past, present and Juture can be facililated by ritual. Davis (1987),
in studying bar mitzvahs, looked at how the process of that cercmony
defines a place for the individual child who is now becoming more adull
and is moving into a differenl stalus within his family, peer group, and
community. He has fo demonsffate competency in the sacred language,
Hebrew. He shows that he can lead the congrcgation for some small
period of time. The bar mifzvah "boy" becomes a peNon of age in the
Jewish community who can be counted to form a miDyon. At the same
time, the new status of the family is acknowledged. Exte ed family and
ftiends gather at the behest of the family to celebmte these changes.
They give gifts to the young man to acknowledge his new status.
The whole community is also connected to the larger religious and
cultural tradition of Judaism. Special readings arc given from the Torah,
and certain structural elements of the dtual are done which have been
passed down over centudes. The cercmony woaks on a number of levels
simultaneously: making and markng i[dividual, family, and group tran-
sitions. Also, past, present, and future are linked through the historical
context of Jewish tradition, the acknowledgment oI present accomplish
ments of the child and family, and the new status of the child/man.
In the national ritual of Thanksgiving, these same themes of social
coordination nested in time can also be examined. Individual roles can
ti
be markcd by particular preparations. For instance, a minister described
ll
l
 RTTUAI S IN rAVII lts AI\D FA\rlIl Y IHLRAP'I
how his gmndfather raised, killed, and cleaned the turkey on the farm in
Kentucky, while his grandmother did the cooking. These tasks rcpre-
sented the delineation of gender roles in his family, where his grand-
father primarily did work outside of the house and his grandmother the
work inside. His grandfather always carved the turkey, and the minister
rcmembered well when this task was passed on to his own father (this
included his grandfather giving him the caNing knife), markiirg the
movement of his father into the older generation.s In addition, there were
ceflain foods that were always made from recipes that were passed
down; these linked the family to their families of odgin. As Goodman
(1987) descdbed her family's ThanlGgiving, "Untouchable rccipes handed
down from one generation to another arrive on the table bearing the
names of these ancestors. Each year the Number One Aunt rcplicates in
exquisite detail her own mother's stuffing. She produces it in a tearful
ceremony brought on by equal portions of onions and memories."
For other families at Thanksgiving, rituals such as the telling of famil-
iar stodes, cooking together, watchinB football, and gathedng in a partic-
ular place all help to define roles (including gender roles) and rules and
create group cohesion. Further, this happens within the larger community
context of a nation which is giving thanks as it honors the first wave of
European immigmnts, at the same time that it ignores what was done to
the original inlabitants of this country.
Cowles (1985) comparcs his two extended families' traditiofls at
Thanksgiving (his family of origin's and his wife's) to two hand carved
music boxes which are passed down through the genemtions. LookinB at
the boxes on a shelf, they seem similar, but when opened each plays its
unique song.
The music box€s de what I'm thankful for this The}lgiving. In spite of deaths,
divorce and dislance, in spite ol heclic lives and mind-spinning life slyle chmges, we
still gather to8ether to open our fmily heirl@ms dd sing aiong. I'm rhanktul for
new faces unsuspecting souls man'ing into the tribe, who add freshnes to our
songs. And I m lhanktul for the kids, the future ceetak€s of our traditions. May they
rdd tues not yel ituagined od nay they keep tbe tuusi. boxes playins long after we
!re 8one. (p. E 5)
'l hc past. present, and future, as represented by the various generations
lurd cvolving traditions, arc connected.
'ltrloj,'no{cdlhdritistteseriornalewhostilldeslhec6i.sinfamilies,nomatterhownruch
rirm llr womcn have ,penl p€pdng the meat. He .laimed thai rhe cdine ritual 'celebaLes the
nulo s dc 6 'bunter' while obscuing the equally escntial con[iburion of fcmalc Barhc,crr "
DEFINITTON. FUNCTIONS, AND TYPOLOGY OF NTUALS
Besides helping to resolve contradictions, face anxiety and strong
emotions, and facilitate social coordination, itnal supports transitiolls
(van der Hart, 1983; van Gennep, 1960). There dre three stages, idenfi-
fied by antbrcpologists in rites of passage and healing rituals, that are
useful to consider when looking at rituals in the therapy process. In the
fiIst stage, the sepamrion stage, the individual or group is severed from
his or her own status and frequently isolated from regular ongoing rou-
tines or contact. For instance, many pubefiy dtuals involve separating
the youngste$ ftom the living quarfers of the larger group and taking
them to a special place.o In our culture, the tradition in the wedding
celebration of not seeing the bdde and grcom before the cercmony be_
gins still prevails; they are off in a special place separated ftom the
group.
In the marginal or liminal stage, the person or group going through
the ritual is in neither old status nor ihe new one. For instaflce, in a
puberty rite the noviate is neither girl nor woman. She can be classified
as having no classification. Often in this second stage there is a passing
on ofnew learning, of sacrcd infomation. The noviates lry on new roles,
new identities. In the reinfegration or third stage, the person or group is
rctumed to tbe daily life. His or her new stallrs is often acknowledged
with a new name, new clothing, community feasting and celebntion.
RitDal has the capability of holding multiple pojnts of view, providinB
support and containment for intense emotions, while facilitating social
coordination among individDals, family members and community going
through transitions. This is dmmatically illustrated in the 1986 film
"Some Babies Die" wherc Tess, whose baby Cosmo lived only a few
hours after birth, is encouraged with her family to create memories of
Cosmo by holding and looking at her and preparing her for the funeral.
In contrast, Donna's gdef over the stillbom birth of her first child is
hidden a\qay. The baby is taken away, unseen by Donna, and buried in
an unmarked, common grave. There is no public forum in which people
might come together to share their grief, but also mark that life goes on.
Hott Rituals for Individaals
Work
Focusing even more on how rituals are expedenced by individuals,
d'Aquili, Laughlin, and McManus (197q) have examined the neurobio-
logical impact of participation in rituals. Drawing on studies ofdtualized
6
This is pad.ularly toc lor boys, becsuse then e.ry into pnberty can be moE easily ma*ed as a
eroup event. ror girls,lhe adual onsel ornen*rurtioD. which can v[] widelr, is orten used as a
den.itc marlcr fo entra.ce inr. puberty. Tnis De.ns lhd there are reNer groDp relebmions lor
!, RITUALS IN FAMIL]ES AND FAMILY THERAPY
animal behavior as well as the neuobiology of the bmin, they hypothe
size that the active parts of certain rituals (e.g., repetitions, mukiple sym_
bols, music, dance) produce positive limbic discharges, which lead to
increased contact between people and social cohesion. Different parts of
the bmin are stimulated as weII. In fact, d'Aquili and colleaBues specu-
lnte th^t the ,o main hemispheres of the brain spilL over into each other.
This may be experienced as a "shiver down the back." For myself, while
playing music for numerous weddings over the last 10 years,.I have often
expedenced teals in my eyes and that shiver down my back,' even when
I have k[own almost nothing about the people getting married.
How ritual may work for individuals can be desoibed in another way.
Both.ligital and analogic hformation are comDined in ritual, so that the
rnorc verbal and analytical arena of the left brain is connected with the
more nonverbal, intuilive dght brain. Omstein and Thompson (1984) re-
ported on a study that compared the bmin activity of people while they
were reading written material that was either (1) technical or (2) folk-
tales:
There was no change in the level of acdlny in the left hemhphere. bu1 the right
hemisphere wds more activatcd while rhe subject was reading the stories thar while
he or she was reading the technical material. Tech.ical maErial is almost exclusively
logical. Stories, on lhe other hand, are simulianeous: mey things happe. ai oncei the
seNe of a story emerges thrcugh a.ombination of style, plol, dd evoked images and
feelings. Thus, it appe&s lhat l^nlnaee in the Jorn of sr,rics can stimulate actlvitv
of the right hemisphere. (p. 162)
Rituals are also simultaneous and may evoke more activity in the right
hemispherc.
Another way in which the brain may be stimulated in individuals is
through ihe use of symbols. Stlfibols hold a densitJ of meaning that
words alone cannot capture, but that can be held in the right brain. For
example, rcsidents of Dixie Valley, Nevada, when forced to leave their
homes and land because it was taken over by the military for a target
practice site, had a symbolic burial of "Ihings that have been important
to their lives in Dixie Valley and are being ]ost because of what hap-
pened" (Valley Adrocale, September 14, 1987, p. 12). Among the items
that they buried were "two articles of the Constituiion, water frcm the
a(esian wells that kept the valley green, and a hip flask symbolic of the
last drink one man [sic] will ever take in Dixie Valley." These items
r People come inlo ffeatment asking for change, yet change is risky alrd
In d ldge suh-ey, hali oI lhe AnDricans questioned srid lhat in listeniog to musi. al somc Point
in rhcir lifc, theyh rhc physic.l expericnc. oI rh shilcr (Ornstein & Thompson, 1984)
DEFINITION. FUNCTIONS, AND TYPOLOGY OF RIIUALS 23
succinctly hold layers of possibility for interpretation that would take
many words to explain.
F ltctions of Ritudl and FamiLy Therapy
The functions of dtuals have important implications for the use of dtual
in family therapy precisely because they offer many possibilities for
holding duality. Filst, with dtual as a connectol for s[ucture and mean-
ing, both aspects of family life can be brought into p1ay. If a seven-year-
old child is having stomach and headaches in school and at home, it is
important to work not only with the intemctioDal sequences surrounding
that behavior, but also with the meaning ascribed to it by the child, par-
ents, school, doctor and other significant members of the child's system.
Some family therapy Dodels (e.g., Haley stmlegic or Minuchin structural
as described by Sluzki [1983]) focus on the stucture of interactional pat-
tems and how people work with the problem. ln dealhg with the above
problem, questions would be asked about who does what when she has
the aches, how ofte[ she has them. and how people have changed their
behavion to tly to solve the problem. Other models (e.g., Milan model as
described by Sluzki [1983]) emphasize the meaning of tle problem by
asking questions, such as who is most upset and least upset, how people
explain that he has the problem, who agrees, and \,r'ho disagrees.
In working with Minuchin's or Haley's model, the therapist would
move in to change the structure by unbalancing, pulling in less involved
people, and inienupting problematic sequences of behavior. This might
happen right in the therapy room or through out-of-session directives. ln
contrast. the Milan model would work more at the level of what meaning
is gjven to the child's behavior (is she seen as immature, bad, sick,
crazy?) a.nd how thjs meaning affects lamily premises about who the
family is as a unit and how both the family and school view each other.
There would be an in-session focus on generating flew meaning thrcugh
lhe process of circular questioning. However, both these levels of stfuc_
tule and meaning need to be coordinated in treatment, and ritual prcvides
an elegafit way to do it. It has a capacity to cut across models of family
therapy to link structure iuld meaning.
Second, holding contradictions, as rituals do, is the essence of work
in therapy. A person who presents with symptomatic behavio$ has great
irfluence on the interactional dynamics around him or her and is out of
control at the same time,
,A.nother central duality in therapy is the change/no change dilemma.
nnknowD. It is also useful to consider in treatment the contradictioD that
!4 RTTUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
symptomatic behavior both helps and hinders people: Symptoms are so-
lutions and problems at the same time.
Ritual allows strong emotions to be safely expedenced, at the same
time that inlerpersonal connections arc made. Families in treatment have
often put a rigid boundary around difficult events in their lives, lacking
a way to mark and share events in their larger community. There may
be losses in a family for which no cultural dtuals exist, such as abotion.
birth of a handicapped child, stillbom bifth, separation of rhe family by
war, loss of a foster child, or divorce (Imber-B1ack, 1988). These events
might not be marked by the family because of the sense of stigma ab-
sorbed ftom the larger cultue. The use of ritual in heatment can provide
a safe place to explore intense emotions, while providing support thrcugh
connecting people to each other. A link has consistettly been found be-
tween social isolation and mental health problems.
The linking of past, present and future lhrough ritual also has broad
implications for family therapy. Many families enter treafinent with seem-
ingly litde fluidity between diffeient time frames. For instance, they are
so embrciled in past difficulties that they believe there is little hope for
the family in the firture. Or they arc so engrossed in the requirements of
day-to-day living that they cannot value their family history and heritage.
Finally, ritual, with its capacities to link both the analogic and digital
aspects of communication, offers possibilities for expression and experi-
encing of that which cannot be put into words. Words cannot carry the
weight of a1l that needs to be worked throuBh in treatment.
Case Eranple: Parukeets, Shoyels, afld Rituals of W.tlking
ln the Jensen family, wherc the 14-year-old daughter, Sam, refused to
wolk or talk for two years, her parents and other family members were
vory organized around helping her. Much of their family life centered on
nxrving, dressing, and getting food for her. However, at the most basic
L.rvol, Sara was also unable to control where her body would take her.
'lhe youngest child in a very close family wirh five children, Sara
Nlopped walking and talking as she eniered puberty, an impofiant marker
irr lhis society for childrcn beginning to matue and starting the process
(,l lcaving the family more. The solution of her symptomatic behavior
krl)l lhe family focused inwardly and close together. The family mem-
lx.l\ did not have to lace the possibitity that this last child would leave
lxnuc, rs she was literally not goilg anywhere. At the same time, Sara's
(lillicullies created other problems, such as her not being able to go to
r(hrx)l nd get an education.
lI the Jensen family, there was a hidden loss that had impoflant impli-
crlli()l)s lbr Sara's own leaving home: Some ten years earlier, Sara's old-
DEFINITION, FUNCTIONS. AND T\?OLOGY OF RITUALS
est sister Diane was diagnosed as schizophrcnic shortly after she left
home. married, and had a child (and so was defined as separated from
her family).
After Sara had been in a residential progmm for a year, where family
thempy was the organizing teatment of choice, she was walkinS, talking,
dancing, horseback ridinB, and 50 pounds lighter' She was ready to move
home and go back to a regulat high school. (See Roberts [1984] for a
complete descdption of this case.) However, the way she left was seen
as an essentlal pafi of featment, because Sara had a prior hospitalization
in which she was walking and talking within several weeks, was rcturned
home, and within several months had stopped walking and talking again.
Dudng that hospitalization, the family had not been very involved in
treatment and had in fact not been allowed to see Sara at times Sam
also spoke to the hospital staff first, aftd refusing to talk to her own
familt for over a year. Further, an acceplance of the both/and possibili-
ties that Sara might ildeed choose not to walk and talk again did not
appear to be an essential part of the work done in the hospital
A transition ritual to mark Sam's leaving the center and moving home
highlights many of the functions of dtuals that have been discussed.
Sara's parents were each asked to bring to the session a wriften descrip-
tion of the ways each of them had walked Sara when she frst entercd
ffeatment. (There had been a symmetrical escalation going on between
the parents as to who had the best ways to caretake her.) The therapist
brought a small tin box with birds on it (Sam had taught a pamkeet to
talk before she began talking to people again as a way to avoid the
dilenma of who she would talk to first), a video segment of the way
Sara was as she first entered rcsidential treatment, and a shovel. ln the
session, time was frst spent on making sure that her parents' description
of the best ways to walk Sara were detailed enough so that, if SaIa ever
went back to not walking, they would have these directions available.
Mom's style had been to walk her by holding her Ieft shoulder and hiF
ting the back knee with her riSht hand. Her father's style had been to
hoid her at the waist with both hands and kick each foot out with his
feet at her instep. After the directions were clarified, the children were
asked to practice walking the parents in the two ways the parents walked
Sam and describe the relative merits of each. All of the children did this,
except for Sara who chose only to watch. The pareflts were also encour-
aged to walk each other in the two different styles.
Everyone then viewed a 10 minute video of Sara and her parents
tea4hing us how to care for her as she first entered the program. People
talked aboDt all the changes she had made and how different she was
now. This video segment was then cut off and put into the box decorated
with birds as a way to remember the past as well as to how
^cknowledge
 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY TIIERAPY
lirl Sara had come. Then we all went outside, and Sara was asked to pick
placc on the grounds of the treatment center wiih some familiar mark-
ors. There we would bury the box. She sited a place on the side of the
hill across from the gazebo. AII took tums digging a hole for the box.
Litlle was said during this time. I placed the box in the hole, saying,
"Sara, if you ever choose not to walk or talk, you will know where to
liDd this to get the necessary ilformation on how people can take care
ol'you." People spontaneously took tums shoveling the di back over
(he box while saying things like. "We'lt never have to dig it up," and
"We'rc through with this box now."
This ritual functioned in a flumber of ways. First, it marked the shift
to open discussion of differences rcgarding how to caretake Sara. There
were no longer two c etaken in hidden competition about who was the
better caretaker. Also, it mixed up who could caretake whom, in what
ways. Children were walking parents, parents were walking each other,
no one was walking Sara. Third, it held in multiple ways the contradic
tion of Sara as one who both walked and did not walk. Sara's past as a
rlon-walker and non-lalker was combined with her present status as one
who chose to do both, with the future as a place where both of these
options would be open to her. Futher, the symbolic representation ofthe
past was available to her in the future should she need it. It was not in
an easy place to reach, but one that was accessible.3 Finally, the symbols
of the birds on the box, childrcn walking parents, and tle burial all of-
fered a number of ways in which analogic meaning could be incorpo-
rated into this highly charged transition.
Ritual can hold the duality of stability and change simultaneously,
wbile it links time frames, informs social coordination, and captures
meaning beyond words. Ritual combines doing with believing. Evenis
are entered into not just as they arc talked about, bu! as rhey are exped-
enced a world where doing and believing are intertwined.
Dilferences Beb-een How Therapeutic Rituals
ond Caltural Rituals Wotk
Therapeutic rituals differ significantly from rituals found in the day-to-
day lives of people because they are less embedded in the ongoing his-
tory of the family. In thempeutic rituals there may, therefbre, be less
i sxra invne.l
me to her high s.hoolgraduation some threc yctrs lat.r.I proudly Nar.hed her Dar.h
in, (and in the li$i row a.d gracc x. audience ol seveml thousand wirh her sinEin! in tbe cboir.
$l.enlE. .'.' p,.."t".p,'r,rl.r +.'i,,lrJoehr-,rd.:1 ,1,1. h, .\c
'o'.rifyonevgrneedit"Meuwhilethep
boxl No," l said, thattonly lnryou rodiaup akcd was
.hirtin! nwny in rhe rDom, sayinr,'Hello, hello."
DEFINITTON- FUNCT]ONS. AND TYPOT-OGY OF RITUALS
ease of access to the la1gel family network (Ior insiance, extended family
gatherings, or neighbors coming together to cclebrate) or to the buill in
traditions of various preparations (for instance, handmade decorations
that have been passed down). This crcates both advantagcs and disadvan-
lages for the design oftherapeutic rituals. Perhaps there are more flexible
possibilities for creating meaning in a therapeutic dlual because one is
not necessarily co[tending with the weight of years of empty rituals.
Also, energy can be carcfully focused on one or more particular prob_
lematic areas, which is not always the case with rituals that alrcady in-
volve a set series of actions. Yet. historical echoes iltinsic to cultural
rituals that link people with the pasf and undergird the future may be
lacking in therapeutic rituals. Special consideration must be given iD de-
signing therapeutic rituals to find ways to join families with the powel
of sy bols that have a larger meaning beyond just their unit, 10 help
them create traditions in preparing fbr the ritual enactment, and to in
volve the larger communily. Attention needs to be paid to the power of
witnessing thrcugh the use of thempists as onlookers, through videotap_
ing and watching it, through in\riting speclal people to the sessions, or
tbrougb documenting the ritual in some other way lhat gives witness. In
addition, thempists need to devise ways to protect the sacredness of the
ritual space-e.g., prolection thai may already be present lor cultural
rituals through the declaration of a holiday or in the boundary of the
church, mosque, or synagogue. (These issues are addrcssed further in
Chapter 3.)
RITUAL. FAMILIES, AND THE THERAPY PROCESS
Looking at riluals with familics in thempy can bc useful in lbur areas:
(1) assessment of rituatized behavior of the family outsicle of Lherapy;
(2) symptomatic behavior as ritual; (3) ritualization of the therapy prc_
cess; and finally. (4) therapeutic rituals.
Assessment of FamiLy Riual BehNior
Before creating rituals with families in therapy, it is imponant to leam
about their curenl relationship to ritual in their day to day life. Expand
ing upon the $ork of wolin and Bennett (1984), a typology of ritual usc
in lamilies is presented:
(l) underriiualizedi
(2) rigidlyritualizedr
(l) skewed rilurlization:
 RITUAIS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
(4)hollow ntual as event. not process;
(5) tual process inlerupted or unable 1o be openly experienced; ,nd
(6) flexibility to adapt dtuals.
This typology can be used to organize the complex data that families
present as they arc questioned about their daily lives. sample questions
are presenred ro asse.( each of lhe sii calegories,
we are not suggesting in ftis book that families will be healed by
having them experience dtual in only a particular way or that all families
must have a certain level of ritual. Each family will have its own udque,
"healthful" relationship to dtual. We are proposing this six pafi b?ology
as another perspective from which to assess families. If a family is as-
sessed as underritualized, it does no1 mean that one should automatically
move to create more rituals with these family members. Rather, their
particular connections to ritualizing behavior need to be respected and a
rarge of other issues (e.9., developmental life cycle, organization a.ound
symptomatic behavior, solutions already fied) carcfully examined, as in
any family treatment.
In the treatment of a family, some type of ritual intervention may be
used only one or two times. We do not mean to imply that more rituals
automatically mean more health.
Tlpology of Famil! Ritltals
O) uNDERRrruALrzED. Often Dnderdtualized families neither celebmte or
mark family changes norjoin much in larger socjetal ritDals. This leaves
the family with ljttle access to some of the benefits of dtual mentioned
earlier, such as group cohesion, support for rcle shifts, and the ability to
hold two dualities in place at the same time. For instance, a couple with
two adult sons came into treatment presenting marital difficulties, wilh
the wife questioning whether she wanted to be malTied. The week before
the first session had been their 24th wedding annive$ary. They had not
celebmted it because their son was leaving for school and they wanted
to get him packed and off. They typically did not celebrate bi(hdays or
mark other significant events in the family. For instance, the husband in
this family stopped dinking durinB therapy, but this was not acknowledged
or celebrated by the iamily in any way. ln the coune of asking about the
process of ending the drinldng, we foDnd out that four years earlier (and
the husband remembercd the day well), he had stopped smoking, never
to smoke again. This success too was not acknowledged.
Questions -fot assessment. All questions are interventive (Tomm,
1987). By asking circular questions, such as the sample ones presented
DEFINITION, FUNCTIONS, AND TYPOLOGY OF RITUALS 29
below, clinicians can assess the family level of dtualization as well as
introaluce to ihe family hformation about theil own use of rituals. Sample
orierrir?s questions are given first (called orienting by Tomm [1987] be-
cause thetintroduce the thempist to the clients' life experiences as well
as orient the client to pattems). Rereriw questions, presented second,
are designed to have more influence on possible changes. By asking
these kdds of questions, the thempisl encourages the family members to
be obseflers of their own ritual behavior. AIso, ihe therapist can begin
to understand where the family might want to make some changes.
Sample odenting questions:
l. What was the last family event that you celebmted?
2- How do you celebrate Fourth of July, New Year's, or anv other holi-
days that are imporant to You?
3. How often duing the year does the family gather together to mark
sonething?
4. Do you think you get togelher more or less than other families you
5. Who is mosrleast comfonable with how vou currenlly celebrate and
mark events? Rank them.
Sample refl exive questions:
6. If you were to get together more often r' (hire 'nd celehrate events'
who would be fie most likely io enjoy it?
7. w}lo would be tbe most like1y to iniiiate marking occasions more
frequenlly?
In headng the responses to orienting and influencing questions' the
lherapi\l and lamily can gel irn idea ol !\ helher the lamill or 'ome mem
her' of rt rhemselres a. underriluah/ed, undersland whal acce'( the
'ee
family has to the larger societal ritual context for support' hear the ways
in which ritual is oi is rlot familiar to the family, and get a notiofl of
where some small windows for change might be opened.
(2) RTGTDLY RtruALIzED. In families that are rigidly ritualized' there are
very prescribed behavio$, a sense of "we must always do these things
logerher in this wa) at lhi\ lime. fiere aJe feu open pan' in lhe rilualt.
and riluals tend lo stav lhe.ame over lrme ralher than erolving. In the
Jensen family describid earlier, Sara had not walked or talked for two
years. She had been hospitalized 1br several months. but there were no
50 RTIUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
physiological findings to explain her condirion. The family membem
uere \er) orgdnr/edround doing man) Lhing. rogether. anjthere uere
very precise things that they did-e.g., certain TV shows that were
watched, places where they ate out, specific movie theatres that they
went to. If a person stepped outside of ihese group norms, therc were
strolg pulls to get her back.
We asked the parents, after the third family session, to go out alone
as a rcward for all the caretaking they had done of thei daughter for two
yea , as well as of a patemal gmndmother who was bedddden in the
home. The family therapy team said to the parcnts, "To acknowledge for
both of you all that you have done for everyone in the family and to
support each other in it, why don't the two ofyou take a small and well-
deserved break and go out alone and just appreciate each other?', The
next session, the family reported that they had gorw o\t \alth eyeryboalt
to the usual pizza place and movie theatle. They told us, "You don,t
understand our family. We like to do things together_ So this is the way
we did it and we had a great time." Herc, one may hypothesize that, with
litde or no rcom for improvisation, family rioals are rigidly defined.
Such rigid ritualization seNed as a metaphor for a narrow range of rela-
tionship options fu the family. As we undersiood this, part of the work in
thempy consisted of broadening the role flexibility of the parents, view-
ing the daughter as a teenager making some "stubbom,' decisions (rather
than as a very young child who needed to be cared for), and strengthen-
ing sibling bonds.
Orienting questions that can be asked by clinicians to undemtand the
patterns involved in rigid dtualization include:
1. Does this family have any col1llllon day-to-day routines?
2. Are there any ways in which you celehate birthdays rhe same for
different people?
3. W})at taditions do you carry over from year to year for hotidays?
4. Who is most comfortable with doing things in the old, known way?
Sample reflexive questions that begin to introduce the possibility
of
more open rituals are:
5. If you were io change one of your rourines in one small way, what
mighl vou do?
6. II someone tried to change ir, who would that pe$on most likely be?
7. Who would be most likely to go along with the change?
'fhcse questions offer a means to assess ways in which families may
ho dgidly ritualized, as well as to help rhe family and therapist begin ro
i(lontily small aleas of possible change.
DEFINITION. FUNCTIONS, AND TYPOLOGY OF zuTUALS jl
(3) sKEwED xrruALzATroN. Where there is skewed ritualization in families,
one particula.r ethnic tradition in the family, or religious ffadition, or even
one particular side of the family. has been emphasized at the expense
of other aspects of the family. For instance, the family usually gets to-
gether with mother's side of the family for vacations in the summer,
Hanuklah, birthdays, and so on. There is little contact with the father's
side of the family around celebratory events.
In my own family, I was mised as a Unitarian and my partner is
Jewish. When we were first together, he wanted no part of celebrating
Christmas or Easter or any other holidays with Christian oveftones. For
several years, we celebrated pimaily Jewish holidays. Over time, this
became prcblemaiic, as I felt that important traditions from my side of
the family could not be shared. I felt very Ionely on holidays thai had
been celebrated in my family of origin for yeals. We had to work out
ways in which we could begin to create our own celebrations on those
days lhat were sensitive to the religious issues and each other's differing
needs.
Couples from mixed ethnic or re]igious backgrounds are faced with
a unique developmental task regarding rituals. Different values may
be inherent in celebrations. For instance. in research by Mccoldrick
and Rohrbaugh, respondents from lish families repo ed that iheir fami-
lies valued "se1f-contro1, suffering, ddnking, strength in women, and
rcspect for Church rDles," and that children should be seen and not
heard. In conlrast, "Jewish iespondents morc often reported that their
families valued education, success, encouragement of childrcn, verbal
expression, shared suffering, guilt. and eating" (1987, p. 96). If spouses
come togefhff from these two tmditions, creaiing, for example, an
anniversary party, may give dse to many differences around the roles
children should have, drinking. food, and ways things might be
verbally exprcssed. Couples have to find ways to blend and hoflor both
traditions. They may get into conflict in planning rituals, not even
realizing that it rs because of difterent values emphasized in the
t aditions.
where families have had skewed itualization, the therapisl may walll
to examine the issue of balance between ethnic and religious lradidons
and extended family. Orienting questions that mighr be asked to assess
this area included:
l. Ifyou go to rclalives'houses fo. the holidays, wherc do you usually go?
2. Wlrat tradiiions have been passed down from your families of origin
and for what cvcnts?
3. Whal ethnic lradilions are most honored in this famil! and where did
thcy come fioDr?
32 RTIUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
4. what religious holidays are honored in this family? How is this reflec-
tive of family background?
Sample reflexi!e questions might be:
5. In what ways could you include in your riruaLs aspects from ihe other
family of origin (or eth.ic or religious tradition)l lvho would suppot
this? Whom would it upsei?
How might your tuals change as you did this?
Responses to these questions particularly impart a sense of the fami-
ly's embeddedness in a wider cultural, ethnic and religious context. How
each family has uniquely intertwined various heritages can be brought
forth.
(4) HOLLOW RTTUAL AS EVENT, NOT PROCESS. \Yhen people Celebmte events
out of a sense of obligation, with little meaning found in either the pro-
cess or the event, these are called "hollow" rituals (van der Hafi, 1983).
This may happen because dtuals have become too closed, have become
degrading, or end up creating more stress for family members. For ill-
stance, in most families in this society, women have traditionally been
the preparers of family celebmtions. They buy and cook the food, deco-
rate, preparc special clothing, mail out cards, and so on. over time, their
pimary role may become burdensome for them, so that the dtuals are
followed out of obligation. Also, if creating the ritual process falls on
one pe$on, little space is available for all family memben to bring their
pafiicular confibutions to it.
For some families, following protocol rather than ueating and working
with meaning may be the predominant sense of their marking of events.
Odenting questions that one might ask to understand if people arc expe-
riencing "hollow" rituals arel
1. Who usually plans panies, celebmlions. ard holidays in your family?
2. Who is mostleast involved in fiem?
3. Which is more enjoyable-fie pianning or the event?
4. If you didn't have these events, who would miss them ihe most?
5. W1lo least wants to be there?
6. Wlat are people's thoughts and feelings when the event is over?
Reflexive questions might include:
DEFINITION, FUNCTIONS, AND TYPOLOCY OF RITUA]"S
'7. What would need to change in planning for the event in order lor it
to be more meani.gful?
W}len might these changes be made?
With the answen to these questions, infomation can be generated
about the energy in the family for various dtuals, who is involved in the
process of creating them, and whether they are sigdficant to different
family membe$ or not. Knowledge about gender differences in family
dtual-making can also be afliculated.
(5) RITUAL PRocEss INTERRUPTED oR UNABLE To BE oPENLY EXPEREI.ICED At
times, because of sudden changes (death, moving, illness) or haumatic
events in the family or larger culture (war, oppression, migmtion), fami-
lies may be unable to fully experience the whole tual process. For in-
stance, Davis (1987) described a Jewish Russian immigrant family who
came to dre United States eight years ago. Their son's Bis (circumci-
sion) was held in secret in Russia. The family was not able to openly
celebnte wiih the larger Jewish community, thus depriving the ritual of
one of its many levels of meaning-the connection of this particular
Jewish family to the community of Jewish families all through history.
This then had many implications for meaning, impoflance, and joyous-
ness attached to the celebration of this son's bar mitzvah in fteedom in
this counhy.
I also worked with a couple who described the wedding of the hus-
band's parents in Vienna in the late 1930s. Since it was not safe to
openly celebrale a Jewish wedding, it was a small, hidden celebration.
Their son described the wedding picture as symbolic of a pall that had
hung ovei his parents' 45 years of marriage. The picture shows the
happy wedding couple in the middle, with very tense and anxious look-
ing relatives gathered around them. The son grew up with the stories of
what had happened to each of the relatives in the pictue, whether it was
escape to Palestjne not to be seen again for 25 years, death in a concen-
tration camp. or escape from a camp and years of traveling before safe
sanctuary was found. For his parenls, wedding anniversaries, the usual
marker of a positive transition into the family, were fraught with another
powedul aura altogether-the destruction of families, towns, and Jewish
culture,
In addition, when there has been m.igmtion, there may not be access
in the new country to the lbods, symbols, language, and special places
of tte old culture that are important markers for a dtual. For instance, a
Puerto Rican student described the difficultjes of celebrating Three
Kings Day in Massachusetts when his family first migrated 15 years
34 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY DEFINITION, FLTNCTIONS, AND TYPOLOGY OF RIIUALS 35

ago.e The special candles could not be found, essential foods had to be Marcus [979] for an intriguing look at bedtime rituals in 12 differcnt
mailed from Puerto Rico, and people were not given time off from work families.) Yet, a bedtime dtual for a two-year-old should be quite differ
for that holiday. ent from that for a l5-year-old. The night joumey is the first important
Stigma in the larger cultue may also prevent some people from having separation of the child from the family and is repeated over and over
access to traditional cultural rituals that support transitions (Imber-Black, again. How does the family work with this small Ieavetaking and recon-
1988). Gay, lesbian, and common-law couples may not have weddiflg nection over the yeam?
ceremonies; lamilies with an adopted or foster child may not have ways For instance, I worked with a family with two sons, aged six and ten.
to celebrate the addition of a new child to thei family. On another level, Therc seemed to be litde differentiation between the two of them. They
Vietnam vetemns retumed in disgrace in many communities, with no were often lumped together as "the kids" and unique sfengths that each
victory pamdes. had were not highlighted. wlen I asked about their bedtimes, I found
Orienting quesrions can be asked Io understand how dtual process that the ten year-old had the same routine and time for bed as the six-
might have been cut off by a major shift in the family's life or by opprcs- year-old. The nighttime itual had not adapted to the increased autonomy
sion in the larger culture: of the older son.
A ffainee, in talking about why she did not want to go home to cele-
1. How do you think any ritual processes were intempred (e.9., by war. brate her bifihday with her parcnts, described how the celebiation had
death. suicide, mi$ation)? remained unchanged over the years. Her mother stil1 made the same kind
2. Who did this intenuption alfcct Ge mosl? of cake with number candles (a three and a two candle now for 32.),
3. How do you know thai? just family members came, and little marked her change in status to an
independent per.on oul:rde ol de famill.
some rcfl exive questions: ln contrast, Jim Shaw (a professor at the Unive$ity of Massachusetts)
described how a Christmas dtual kept shifting in his family. when the
4. Ifmembers of your family had been able to celebrate the ritual more children were young, they always used to go out for a drive to see if they
openly, or with more suppo liom the culture, how might they have could find Santa Claus coming to theirhouse. Ofcourse, they alwaysjust
done it difterently? missed Santa, and wh they came home, all the presents were out under
5. lf you werc to complete ihe dtual now in some way. what might you do? the ffee (put out by the grandparents). As the children grew older and no
6. Who would it be important to include? longer believed in Santa, they still insisted on going out in the car and
7. what oiher resources can be called in to provide a supportire and stodes were passed down about the year "Daddy honked rudely at an-
safe environment for the .itual? oiher car on Christmas Eve," and the time Janice mistook the yellow gas
pumps for the carolels. The children, now all in their twenties, sti1l go
Responses to these questions can uncover ways in which the shifts in out in the car each year and exchange memories and stories of Christmas
rjtual process affected people's ljves. while introducing the idea that rides in the past.
some of the past tuals can be .eworked-something can be done about Some sample orienting questions are:
what was cut ofT before. In addition, the need fbr the creation of space
to acknowledge important transitions is highlighted, even if the larger 1. How had bedtine changed for the child/ren over the years?
culture does not provide this. 2. Have biihday paties changed?
3. Are the same people involved in the nighttime rituals? How have their
(6) FLEXrBrLrry rO ADAPI RTTUALS. The lASt arca in aSSeSSing families iS roles changed?
to look at their flexibility to adapt rituals. Bedtime rituals, for instance, 4. When someone has either entered (through birth, maraiage, remar-
are centml in families with children. (See Albert, Amgott, Krakow, & riage) or left (through moving away from home, death, divorce) the
family, how has it been marked?
! My thatrks to Edhon sa am lor helping me to undestand hoe migr iotr altccls ritunl dcvcLot!
Some reflexive questions are:
 DEFINITION. FUNCTIONS, AND TYPOLOCY OF RITUALS 3;
RITUALS IN FAMIL]ES AND FAMILY THERAPY
36
haps marking some changes with small in-session iluals would be an
5. Five vears from now. when Maria is living out of the home, how do
appropiate place to start. If the family is rigidly ritualized, lhe clinician
\ou t;ink her brnhda] $ill be celebrated'
might look to create small, more open parts in some alrcady established
ii ro, ".. 'o.'r.n.^" d 'o" in rhr' lamil) lr^u do)or thtnl' rhar ceremonies, enabling some news of a differcnce to then emerge. With
you might nark ii?
skewed rituals, the therapist might help family members gradually intro-
1_ What new rituals has the famil] created?
duce some symbols, content, and values from other parts of their heri-
tage. Wjth hollow dtuals, a small area needs to be found where some
The capacity to change rituals over the life cycle keeps the rituals
meaning can be infused through changing the process of preparing for
,iti"nt f* fu,"ili.t, givis iamilies access to special times to mark and the ritual. Rituals that have been interrupted or celebmted in secrct can
rework roles. rules. ai<l rcl ationships, and provides group cohesion Fam-
be conve$ed about morc openly; perhaps some pafis of them can even
ilies are constantly undergoing change, as everyone grows older, new be rcenacted. Working with flexibility around life cycle rituals, family
inembers enter and membels le;ve. Flexibility to adapt rituals means
that
meaningful ways members can be helped to see wherc they have successfully adapted ituals
these changes can be worked wilh in
over time and where others might need to be modifled.
For rnstance, Whiting and I worked with a man and a woman who, in
Familj Cetebratiotrs, Fdmily Ttaditions' Life q'cle Rituals their three years together, had crcated a number of rjtuals fbr the two of
dfld Da)- to-Da! LW them. They set aside one night a week to go out and be together, they
tried to preserve one day on tbe weekend just for t}Ie two of lhem, and
Where, in the day_to-day lives of families- can the therapist look to as-
of-farn- they celebrated a number of familial and cultuml events wilh lheir fami
sess wirere they might fii with thjs six part typology? Fourareas
tanilJ lrdJitiott' tanil\ lies on a regular basis (e.g.. Christmas, Motler's day, biflhdays). How'
,ti t,t" .rn 1" .'""r'n.d: tan,lt 'ctrbration:' ever, one event in the woman's (Marisa's) life was markedly devoid of
lit , r:le rit ali. atd,ltt-io Jtt /i/P lhrr hJ\ be(ome Iiruali/ed radapled
any dtuals. Her brother had committed suicide some 20 years earlier.
riom \\olnr & Bennetr. ja8e). Famil] cclebralion' ore delined a' rilurl'
His death was still something lhal could not be talked about openly in
that are widely pmcticed around everts that are celebrated in the larger
her family, nor was it marked by visiting his grave or gathering togelher
,r,lnrre. such-as Foufth of JulY, Thanksgiving' Passover Seder, and
in any way around the anniversar), of hrs death or birth. The anniversary
Chnstmas. Through larger cultural expectations. the socjety to some ex-
of his death was approaching in the next month. Marisa was airaid she
oni n,crnir.. rtre'rime.'.pdce and \y;bol' ol the'e rilual'' I arnrl) lradi-
would be deprcssed around the tirne of the anniversary. She also had
rion, eie le.. cnchored in lhc ctrllure dnd:lre more idio\yncrdlrc to rhe'
_in'ide ' rn'lerd ol dn "oul'itle coicems that, because she had chosen a spouse witb the same flrst name
f-mrlr. b.$e.l on u har mrghr be cirlled arr
-ut.ni"r. qnniter.tlct, liirrhdal panie'. vacJli"n\' erc" ill irll rnlo rhi'
xs her brorher, perhaps she had unresolved issues arcund his death.
In the sessions precediDg the annivelsary, we talked about ways in
catesorv. The third area to look at is tamily life cycle rituals, such as qhrch the couple rnrghl uanl to makc lhis anni\er.ar) more,,pen. J\ r
wed'dinis, showers, chrislenings, graduations, retirement paties, and so
way fo allow more personal suppofl for Marisa and also lbr her fanily
on. The;e are events that mark the progression of the family through the
(visiting the grave. telling the family the two of them were going and
lrle c\cle. t inJll\. it cirn bc u\eiul to e\rmine Iilual' ol dail) lamil] lile'
.un'r.,linnenime. bedtime. recrealion 'e\enr\ lhat dre rnlu'ed $ilh inviting any family members to ioin them, looking at family pictures,
honoring her brother somehow in their house). we also asked a number
meaning as the family creates its roles, rules, and noms'
of questions around the ways in which Rand (Marisa's partner) was dif
As iriformation is gathered about these four areas of famity life-family
f'erent from her brcther, highlighting them as 1wo distincl individuals.
celebrations, traditio"ns, life cycle rituals, and day{o day life-the clini-
We then leff it to Marisa and Rand to come up with a ritual that might
ciun and fumily ca, understand the ways they may be rigidly rilualized'
hol work for them. Given thal they had already shown a proclivity to using
underritualized-, have skewed ritualizirtion, or experience rituals as
o\er rimc Thi' nnderslanding h(!rns lo rituals. we felt comfbilable leaving this very open-ended. Several weeks
k,\^. inlerr,Joted. or unchJnPing
qilh htcr, they descibed how in their home for several nights preceding and
t,rrn rhe b:r'e ol rhc lir berieen hos rhe lherJprsl s rll work ' lr(nl'
therapy process. lI the 1amily nrcn]hcrs trlc thcn on the date her brolher had killed himself, they had lit a candle and
and ritual interventions in the
claboftrlc rilulls are going lo sccm li)rcign 10 lhcnr' l)cr' trlkcd some ol what his life had given to the world when he was alive.
Inderrilu.lliTed.

I
i]i] RITUALS IN FAMIL]Es AND FAMILY THERAPY
In addition. Maisa had gotten out some pictures ofher family, including
her brclher (typically she had not displayed pictures of him). Thcse pic-
tures were later left up in the kitcher. Rard felt better able to supporl
Marisa at a time he knew was had for her because therc was some
structure of openly acknowledging the topic of the other Rand's death,
and Maris.r described being more in control of her ups and downs duing
ihar iinre Afrer much discussion. she was also able to call her mother
during that week to tell her how she was marking her brother's death.
Her l11other did not fall apad and was able to 1alk wilh Marisa a little
about lhe ceremony Marisa and Rand had crealed, This was a conversa-
lion that Marisa had thought she and her mother would never have. In
the thenpy process, we lound some fit between our and the couple's
In contrasl, whiling and I worked with another couple that I described
earlier as underritualized (they did not celebrate anniversaries or birth-
days or mark special events in the family). They were questiorlirlg \rhether
to stay maried. Much of the content in the first few therapy sessions
revolved around past hurts and disappoinhents in lheir 24 year mar-
riagc. As the spouses clarified their different points of view about the
hurts, cleared up misnnderstandings, and communicated more directly
about them, we asked thcm to differentiate the huts jnto those that they
could le1 go of, those they still needed to work through, and those thal
needed 1(] continue in some way to be pa.t of their shared history. These
lists were broughl into a session. We then asked them to tlansform the
hurts they fel! they could let go of by doing somethinS at home with
thcm. They talked about burDing them outside io lheir gdll (lhis was in
the middle of winter in westem Massachusetts). They never did the burn'
ing dtual and came back in two weeks saying lhat it was not necessary.
In rerrospect, I thiDk we had not madc enough of a fit with their style of
working with rituals. Since rituais werc not something they typically did
on their own, it woDld havc worked better to have the transfbnning ritual
in the session with us. Ullimately. their hurts persisted as a very strong
metaphor and after seveml more molths of treahnent, they tenninaled.
Seveml months after that. the wife left her husband.
S)nptondtb Behatiot ds Ritual
A second arca in which it is useful to examine ritual in the therupy
process is in the rigidly ritualized aspects of symptomatic behavior. For
instaDce, in the Jensen lamily. where the youngest daughter refuscd to
$alk or talk for two years, a scrics of ritualized behaviors ha.t evolvcd.
First, her lalhcr had a particular \ray to walk her, kicking her leel oul ns
DEFINITION. FUNCTIONS. AND TYPOLOGY Ol: RITUALS 39
he stood behind her and he propelled her forward. He also canied a
supply of sfiall Tootsie Roll candies to give her as a reward after he had
moved her from one place to another. Mother had a completely differcnl
way to walk her where she held her tightly at the shoulder with ol1e
hand and then benr over and hit the back of each knee with her hand
to propel the leg forward. The daughter could only wear slippers to
walk in (shoes were too heavy) and only Mom or Dad could walk her.
Parental dilferences emerged in bickering about which way was better
to walk her. Dad thought his way was better because the person walking
her did not have to bend over. Mom thought her way was be$er because
the daughter was stretching the muscles of her leg more as she had to
bend her knee. Thus, t}le rigidly dtualized symptom was supported
by rigidly ritualized interactions which were metaphoical fbr family
rclationships.
Placement of household things in a pallicular manner before one can
leave the house, eating and bingeirg, handwashing, alcoholic driDking,
drug abuse, and many differcnt kinds of symptomatic behavior can have
intricate rituals attached to them. ln our experiences, such rigidly ritu,rl-
ized symptoms oftefl appear in families lacking more meaningful ituals.
As Schwartzman has noted, "Rites of passage function to facilitate irdi-
viduals' changing their social relationships in a culturally app.opriate
fashion while symptomatic behavio. functions to legitimate failure to
make culturally appropriate changes in the life cycle" (1982, p.3).
He went on to talk about how both dtuals and symptomatic behavion
help to maintain their rcspective social systems, but how rituals work
with multiple levels of meaning and oryanization and open parts, which
then makes change possible- He sees rituals (in pafiicular rites of pas
sage) as working with paradoxical messages simultaneously, thus invit-
ing change.
The meaning and symbolism iDvested in symptomaric ritrals can be
used for opening up other options. For instance, in the case of the gi ,
Sara, who did not walk or talk, a videotape was made with Mom and
Dad as the expefts, showing their parlicular ways to walk her. This vid-
eotape was shown to everyone at the rcsidential treatment centcr, with
the staff then conriDg up with vaded ways to walk the girl, using Dad's
way particularly for doing tums, and Mom's way particularly for going
up stairs. This introduced the notion that Sara could adapt to different ways
of "walking." Every couple of weeks the way she was walked was va ed,
so that gradually one arm was rcmoled from her shoulder, the backs of
her knees or fect were not louched, and so on. Ultimately, ilr the weeks
preceding when she walked f]nally on her "own," she rvas "walked" with
the palln of a pc$on's haDd placed lightly in the center of her back.
 ,l
RITUALS ]N FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
TherapJ as Ritual
Therapy itself can be looked upon as a ritual. Kobak and Waters (1984)
took the three stages prcposed by Van Cennep as commonly found in
dtes of passage and looked at how they apply to the thempy process.
The first stage is separution. In puberty rites in many parts of Africa,
adolescents are separated through special housing tbr young women
mensfualing for the fimt time or a separate camp for the younB men
being initiated. The physical separation denotes their removal from their
old starus, yet they are not yet integrated into the group in their new
status. In addition, the adolescents accept cerlain people within their
group as guides, who will pass on new infomation to them. A group
conneclion is al<o mrde. a\ lhey band loselher a\ common rreler. go
ing through fhe changes.
Treafment also takes place in a special, separate place, and in family
therapy jt often has particular paraphemalia with one-way milrors, phone
hookups, and video equipment. There is a joining with, an acceptance
oi the therapist as a guide with whom you have paticular convemations
where specialized knowledge is passed on. As Tomm noted. "The them-
pist can legitimately inquie about the clients' personal and pdvale expe-
riences" (1988. p.2). Ordinarily, such iniriarive would be considered
inappropriate or bizarre ouiside the context of an intimate relationship.
This can demarcate that in therapy you are lalii R about d"y-to-day life,
but are nol r, day{o-day life.
Also, at the beginning of 1.eatment, work is often donc with the family
members to encoumge all of them to ondertake the iourney together,
rather than designating one person as needing to be "fixed." Sometimes
all lamily members are invited in as common traveleas "who are equal
in their need and hope for change" (Kobak & Waters, 1984, p. 91). Ar
dmes, families do not become engaged in treafment because this idea of
common lravelers is not successfully negotiated. For instance, in one
case that Whiting and I worked on. a 42-year-old man (oldesl of three
sibs), had been living in his parents' basement and rcfusing to come ou1
for some eight years. The family presented Heman as the only one with
problerns. We asked the parents, as well as the two sibs, to come in for
several sessions to help us understand Herman's difficulties. We lried
to move in these sessions lowar.l Iooking at the son's problems more
interactionally, as we found out that (1) the parents had \,ery volatile
lights which Herman tried to srop; (2) the parents had angrily decided ro
have separatc bedrooms l0 years earlier; and (3) the parcnts had Iery
dispaute views on how to handle Hcrman's problems. (Falhcr lclt Hcr-
man should be forccd to coDre out of thc baserneDl and hc hr(l crll(l| lh{:
DEFINIT]ON. FUNCTIONS. AND TYPO]-OCY OF RITUALS
police to drag him out. Mother felt he should be left alone and talked to
in the house, that in time he would get over what was bolhering him.)
We were unable to successfully negotiate the view ()1'family problems
as something shared by them all as common travelen and the pressure
was ircreased to see Herman individually. Affer the third session, the
family refused to come in fbr more sessions. Several months later I re-
ceived a Christmas card from the family, commenting that things had
stabilized with the son's hospitalization. With his entering an institution,
hr' rolc a' lhe ''ic( one ur. reerrrbli.hcd.
With the partners described earlier, who created their own ritual to
acknowledge the brother's suicide, I ended up meeting with then for the
first session in my regular univelsiay office instead of the oflice I work
in with Wliting (which has all the rcgular family therapy paraphemalia).
They were eager to starl lreatment and, because o[ a snow storm thal
dumped 10 inches, none of us wanted to dive the 30 miles to the usual
office. My universily office is not that private (you can hear people talk-
ing in the conidor), and upon ariving, the couple ran into one of my
students, who turned out to be sorneone they knew. Later, there wns
sorne confusion about the ending ofthe session, with both clients making
phone calls to reamange comrnilments due to the storm, and I asked
Marisa whether, when her family got logether over the approaching holi
days. there would be any mention of her brother at all. when we starlcd
thc second session, Marisa and Rand told me how drey were upset about
my mentioning this issue whcn it was uncle as to whether we were
still in session or not, bul they understood it in the context of not having
a special place to meet with a separate waiting room, and so on. For the
second sessiorl, we met at the usual office wilh the one way minor and
such. They said it felt much more comfo able. For myself, I wondered
whether it was a mistake to even start therapy away from that speci
place.
Models of therapy thensehcs seem to have developed their own ritD
als about this first sepamtion phase. Por instance, the Haley stralegic
rnodel talks about fie impofiance of the social phase (which providcs the
impotant bidge between the tamily's daily life and the specialness of
thempy), then the problem phase (which demarcales this time as one in
which there is a particular focus), and then the intervenlions stage (thera-
pist as a guide who can help them with some difficultie, (Haley, 1976).
The Milan Drodel has the five part session: (l) the premeeting of the
therapy team to discuss the fflmily and the working hypothesis; (2) the
session with call-outs of the therapist ln the room; (3) the intenession
meeting of the ther.rpist and tcam behind the mirrcr to discuss the infor
mrti(nr l(nn lhe session rnd what interveDtion or comment lo prcsent to
42 RITUALS IN FAMIL]ES AND FAMILY THERAPY
the family; (4) the presentation to the family; and (5) the postsession
discussion to analyze the family's reaction to the comment or interven
tion (Selvini P.rlazzoli et al., 1978b). This distinct five-part prccess se€ms
to mark roles between the therapy team and the family, with special
emphasis pu1 on the time when new information is inffoduced from the
team.
Therapists lhcmselves may find they have certain rituals. such as sit-
tirg in the same chair, or asking i1 sequence of questions about why
therapy now, or typically startinB with a genogram in the firct session or
two. Or therc may be common types of dluals the therapist finds herself
using with the tamily to engage them in t eatment and separate them
liom their day{o-day life. For instance, in cases wherc there are differing
opinions about whether the family needs therapy or not, Imber-Black
(1985) has used variations of the odd days/even days irual ot the Milan
grcup. On even days the family members act and talk as if they do not
need treatment: on odd days, they act and talk as if they do need trea!
ment. Members are asked to carefully observe how particular problem-
atic behaviols that some people arc concerned about differ and change
on the odd and even days. ln the nexl therapy session, the main focus is
on helping family memben come to some decision about whether they
wanl to be in treatDent or not,
The first phase in therapy is a time of establishing a level of trust.
safety, and acceptance while usual roles and stalus are up in the air,
While the rules and roles are being reworked, family members need
some anchors in personal connections that provide the underpinnings for
possible changes in the second stage. the liminal period.
The tinindl or transitior?d/ stage of the ritual process is oDe of experi
mentalion, trying on new identities, and leaming new information. In
cullurul rituals, initiates are in the '\tatus of having no slatus"-neither
girl nor woman, neither boy nor man,
This pbase in therapy is a crucial time for opening up changes in the
family. If the therapisl has connected well in the separation srage, he or
she now has a window open into the lamily, for a iimited amount of
time, to cocreate nerv patterns. lf tlis phase goes on too long, families
can become too depe.denl on the process of therapy itself, mther than
nccessing their own resources. Also. the longer this phase goes on, the
more likely that the therapist and family will become too richly cross
ioined and settled iDto certain interactions, making i1 harder to introduce
new informatior. The treatmenl process itself can become rigidly ritual-
ized. especially around time, place. and conlent. Varying time between
sessi(nls. the meeting time. place of the session, and topics addressed can
rllhclp lo avoid thc possibilily of thcrapy becoming a rig ritual.
DEFINITION. FUNCTIONS. AND TYPOLOGY OF zuTUALS 43
In lhe rhird ritual phase, reaqgregation, people are connected back to
the community in their new status. ln therapy, there is a move away
ftom the special place and time of therapy towards connections to family
resources and their day to-day life.
For several reasons family therapy often seems to be weakesr in ex-
ploring this third phase of therapeutic process. One, more writing has
been done about the initial stages of therapy, with little wdtten on termi-
nation. Also, it is easier to write about what happens in the therapy room
than about new connections outside of the session. Finally, typically the
termination process has been very short in family therapy- This may be
connected to systems models wanting to differentiate themselves from
other therapeutic models, where working with termination and transfer-
ence and counteflransference issues led to long endings (Imber-Black,
personal communication, 1987).
A common ending of the therapy ri$al that has evolved in my own
practice is to ask the families queslions that put them in the role of meta
observer to the therapy pmcess, For instaDce, I ask clients what was most
helpful in therapy, least helpful, and what they would recommend for
other families with similar problems. This moves the therapist out of the
role of meta obseNer and commenter aod invites the family members to
participate as colleagues. I also use a coming out from behind the nrirol
to mark the end of treatment. This can be done eifher in a formal ritual
(for instance, with all team members coming out from behind the mrrror,
use of food, exchanging symbols or gifts), or more infomally, where the
thmily begins to watch more of Ihe team discussions and comment upon
them, as in a rellecting leam model (Anderson, 1987). Moving ou( ftom
behind the mirror in these ways shifts who is watching whom, who is
helping whom, who lhanks whom. It moves towards everyday life and
can be an irnportant way to mark the family's own strengths.
In conjunction with asking the family to comment on the therapy pro-
cess and coming out ftom behind the miror, I often encourage ex-
changes of symbols or gifts that highlight some pafl of the thempy. This
can be done in several ways: the therapist presenls something to the
fanily that acknowledges family sfengths; there is a mutua] exchange
of symbols or gifts in sessionl or some out-of-session ritual gift-giving
links the clients more strongly with Iheir community. (See Chapter 3 for
more examples-)
For instance, in the final sessjon with the Lawson family, the thera-
0
pists reconvened the mother, father, and their two twin girls. (She had
I
My rhrnk\ t, rlr thc,rpkr in rhh case, Do s Cohen lron rhe Univesny ol Massachnscits, lor
.1.1 RITUALS iN FAM]LIES AND IAMILY THERAPY
been doing some couples work with just the parents regarding sotne
stuck parts of their relationship.) As she asked the family what had been
most helpful in iherapy, Dannielle, the twin who had been school phobic
and having leaming problems (and whom the mother had been helping
continuously every day) said:
Danniellei It was most helpful to have my Mom ask my sister lDavinal
if she needed help.
Therapist: How did that hclp you?
Dannielle: lt made me think my Mom does not just love me but she
hves both ofus. lDavina and Mom exchange a knowing ]ook. The thera-
pist asks them to let everyone in on it.l
Davinai I think it is important for Dannielle to know Morn loves me
too so that she won't alwayr be hanging onro Mom. I think Dad not
being off on pot jobs lextra pa11 time work] has been rcal helpful too. I
think Dad being home has helped a lor. I can share my feelings with him.
Therapist: Thanks, Davina. What was mosl helptul for you, Karen
lMoml?
faren: Making s re I made time ior both girls, especially Dalina.
Therapist: ln your heart she was always there.
Karen: That was one of the big ones when Davina said she felt like I
didn't hzrve time for her. And actually, I think the whole thing cut tbrough
the ice.
Therapist: What about you, Mark, what was most helplul kr you?
Mark: The simple fact that you and your team member werc oursjders
and wouldn't side witb one or the other. That was the biggest help of all
because you could iook ai things Deutraliy. Cood points and bad points
from each one of rs. That was the big push that Karen and I needed
someone thal wouldn't side with either one of us.
Th€rapist: I'm glad you feel that. [to Karen] Do you leel thar equally?
Of course, it doesn't work if you don't feel that way as well.
Kar€n: [noddingl Yes.
Thc therapist then wenl oD to ask them what was lcasl usefirl and
whal lhey would recommend to other families. She then brought out a
giftwmpped box. She said, "I gained a grear deat in wo*ing with you
and I want 1() give you some small thing in rciurn- I lhought about what
your family rcptesents for me and the idea of balance kept coming ro
me. I remembcr you saying, Mark, that marriagc is 50-50. And I was
aw e of how concerDed you were with the twins maiDt.riniDg thc bal-
ance so that each gels what she nceds. And so I thoughl ol nn)bilc. I(
hingcs oD halancc, yet within it thcre is lot ol ficcdoft ol movcDriJtl.
DEFIN]TION, FUNCTIONS. AND TYPOLOCY OF RITUALS 45
Yet everything in the mobile prcvides the balance. If you tale one piece
away, it does not work. And as I thought of mobiles, a story came to me
of a pair of swans that I used to lell my children." The therapist went to
tell a parable of a swan tumily that pamlleled the work the family had
done in therapy. The children then opened the present-a swan mobile
that the rhempist had made fbr them and, as the thank-you's werc pass-
ing around. the team also phoned in to the mother and father ro thank
them for theil sharings.
Treatment elded with the ma*ing of a more collabomtive relation-
ship. Famjly strengths were summarized and highlighted, the family was
asked to give feedback on the process of therapy, and fhe thempist gave
them a gift as a way of saying thank you for the "gifts" they gave to her.
The swan mobile not only embodied powedul family themes, but also
served as a reminder of the svr'an parable, which had been desrgned to
highlight the considerable skills the family had demonstrated in making
some changes both in pfienting and in the couple relationship.
In a year's follow up to this case. the father proudly told the therapist
that both girls had been on the honor roll that year, and that they were
still enjoying the swan mobile, which hung in thei living room.
RitLtdl Typolog! d .1 the Therupy Process
These three slages of ritnal in the therapy process can be analyzed from
the poinr of view of the six-part typology discussed earlier.
(l) Is you. therapy process underritualized? How is dtual used in the
separation, t.ansitional. and reintegmtion stages? Is there some distinc-
tion of these three phases in treatmenl? In what ways do you mark enter-
ing treatment? Look especially al the last phase-rcintegration. How do
you reconnect the family with its network and resources?
(2) Is your therapy process rigidb ritlnLized? Do you always use the
same fomat for sessions (e.9.. one pe$on in the room, one behind the
miflor, with the person bebind the mirror usually calling in near the end
of the session) or same modality (e.g.. primarily talking, sculptiDg, work
ing with genograms)? Are there things that you feel must be done the
first session or two? Are there certain types of inte entions that you
find you$elfusually giving (e.g., dilengaging the "overinvolved" mother
and pulling iD the "peripheml" father)?
(3) Is your therapy process an example of skeved rit alizdtion? Do
you find youNelf working primarily with one model, or ideas from one
person on the team? Is there a history of past rituals that have been
uscd in therapy with some of your families that keep reemerging to the
prccl(lsion ol Dew ideas?
 46 RIUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
DEFINITION, FUNCTIONS, AND TYPOLOGY OF RITUALS 11-

(4) Is your therapy process a hollo rilual as ewnt-not process? Crockr. C. (1973). Rirual and the de,clopmcnt ol social structurer Linindity aDd inve ion In
Are there certain kinds of events that you find occurring over and over l. D Shaughnes, Gn.), aL man al fiual (w. 41 86) Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans.
in trecrment. \o ther lhere ir a preJicti\e qual)l) ro theml l,ur inslance, Currer, B. (1987) Chanle in the cante.t ol stobilit: Th? delig aJ ttkrdr)e i. riluals lar fdnilies.
Doctdal di*etation, Univemity ol Masachuselts, Amhe^r.
in d school \erling. doe\ an inlerdiscrplrnary leam meerine aulomaricall) d'Aquiri.E G. Laughlin, C. D, & McM!nu!,J. (Eds ) (I979). ft?:pe.b tol tuud|: A biasehetic
become scheduled when a child is ha\ring difficulty (focus on the ..cere J,r,.ralal d,al_rn: Ne York: ColDmbia Unircdry Pres.
mony"), rather than vaious people working with a child having a chance Daris. l. (198?). Ma.sr ,,,: A .'!tdas e\plo'arian of bar Mtzrah as a nuh*ea.ratianat ituot tt
to plan and talk about when and where a team meeting might be appro-
.:hury. dd.o
tinui|. Dactilrl dissetuiion, Unirenir, ofMasachDsets, Amhdsl.
Dory. w. C. (1986). M),r,s.dphr: The au1i d lrths and rnra6. luscaloosa The Unive$jt, of
pdate (focus on the process)? The process of orgaoizing the meetinE can
be just as important as fie meeting itself. Dougras, Nr. ( r 966). P!r,f and dansct An onal$i tt ont?pt! ol pallutiah a .l tdboa. New .l o*
Inrerventions may be experienced by families as events, not process, Durkheii, E (r9r5). Tne ara,.nta\^ lams.Jr.l[ia$ life.ll.w. S\yain, Trans.). New Yorkr Free
when they are duplicated over time. For instance, if over a series of five
sessions the end-of-session message is always presented to the family as c@dman. E (1987, November 2t).lanil! deines itself by i6IhaDksgiving ritual Spnngield
a split team inteNention, are fiameworks of expectancy or predictable Coody, J. (1977) Asanrn rnud. ln S. F. Moore & B. G. Myerhof (Eds.) s,.,lal rtual (pp.
R
responses being created? 25-i5) A\sen rnd An{erdr,.r Van Gorcnm.
(5) Is yolll ritual process interrupted? For instance, do you plan Crinres, R. (1982). Besi,nr6,r,n /r!,1rr,li,s Lanhan. MD: Unire$ily Pr€$ ol Atueiica,
H!\ey,1. (.t916). Ptubt. !al\'i,B ri,/aD. San lrancisco: Josse] B!ss.
something with the family but anothe. family crisis erupts and you find Hallowell. A. l. (1941). The social fun.tnin ofamiery in a prnnidvc sociery Aft.rLd, So.irlr8i.al
it difficult to get back to what you were planning? n.riei, 6, 869 381. (Bobb*Medll reprint seies. A 104.)
(6) W}lat lerlrilio' do you have to adapt riluals over lime? Does the Imber Black. E. ( 1985) Tovad a resoure nrodel i0 srst.nic lhmily therapy. In M. KaQel (Ed.).
Fd1il\ resources:|h. hi&len pdnaet nl i nilt the.apr l.pp. \48 174) Ncv Yol*: Cuillord
way you use the phone shift? Does the team exist only behind the mirror
or in other rcalms? When does the family come behind the mirror? How ImbeFBl!.]<, E, (1983).Idiosyncnlic lile cycle t.nsilions and lheralle c rituals, I. B. carDr &
do your therapy rituals evolve? M Nlccordick (tjds ). t he fonilr lik tfle: A ['anee.* .far la tiL'- ttErap! lpp. t49
163).Nes Yorlr Gardn€r Pres.
Typology of ritrals can be used notjust to examine ritual behavior of Koblk, R, R,, & wate, s, D. B. ( 1984) Fnmily thenpy as a nte oi plssage: Plal s lne thing. Fdrr-r
the family but also to examine the stages of the therapeutic process. P,,.gs, 2J(11.89-100
Loredon Dovn. V. (Dnector/Pmducer) (1986) .t ,E ,/6i1i li? An .tplotution af lillbi h ond
,c,rrdal d.,,, Rerkeler, CA: Univcsitt ol Calilomia lvledia ExteDsion Service.
C reat in g The rupe ut ic Ritlnl s Nlcc.ldri.k. M., & Rohl'bauEh. NI. (198r). Relelrchine elhnic ramily sereorypes. Fz,rb P/a..r!
2d0). 89-98
Working with these three arcas assessment of familv,s curent use ol Moorc, S. F.. & \'llerhorr. B G.1.1917).lEds.). s!.uld itadl. Asen and Amsle am:VanGorcufr.
Myerhof R. G (197?). we don\ wap he ne in. pinted page: Fulion- Iiurio.s. dd.onlinu4
rilual. nruali/ed a\pecl. ot's)mptomatic behar ror. rnjLhe rilual. ollhe in seculd riftal. ln S F MooE & B. C Myerhor (Eds.). (pp. 199 224). .V.xr,,ikl
process of therapy the clinician is then ready to move into considedng A$en .nd Anrteftkm: Van Gor.unt,
the appropriate ritual themes for a family in heatment, as well as impor: Om$ein, R.- & Thonpson. R. F.lt981i Th. dndzn$ brain. Boslon: Houshton Mifflii.
Rrdclill€ Brosn. A. R 11952). Sltu(turc fm.lion in a
iitu\e:o.iet,-: ti
dntl udtlresses. E! !:
tant design elements. In Chapter 2, Io orient clinicians to family issues Cl.n... lL Fre Press
thil rJr be addr(.5ed well wirh lherapeuric riluals. i\e rilual the;re\ are Rappaport, R. A. (1911) Ritual san.rity md crb.arctics.,4,,.r,.dn,4,itruroloEd,731]l),59
detailed. Guidelines for co-creating rituals that examine the use of time,
Robe,c. J. (198.r). Sritcbnre ,nodels: Family nnd iein .hoice poi.E a.d rexcrions as wc movcd
space, symbols and symbolic actions are discussed in Chapter 3. from the Hirey slracgi. n.del to thc Milm model. Jornal ,1J,ratcqic a Steemn Th?ro l
rirr, J(4), ,10 5l
s.he[ T J. (1979). anldrsrr in haali\, rnual, a
.lqna Berkeley aid Los A.eelcs] Unircdty
REFERENCES ol Cdifomi! PEss.
Soh*ln/fran.,I (1932). synptons d rituxh: Puadoxical modes and social orsanizrdon Ert,t
Alhln, S,Amgot, T., Kakoiv, M. & M.rus. H (t979). Chitdrcn,s bedtjme rihnts r! tr fn)lollpc
rire ol ntc p.$!se. ?1.J,x.n,].1h\ch.t.Niut A thtoNt.sr, 2tt). 85 jo5. SelyiiriPt azzoli, M. al9r4). Sclllattatbn: Ftum the i ltupsrchic la th.ltu spernnoL approach
Atrdcrinr, T. (1987J. The rellectina rcmr: Diakr8ue and nrcradiaoruc in rlnricrl qol. /n,ril. t. anI(ria nntasu L.ndoi Chaucet
p,,., 41. r). Sdlvnri Pnluzo!,, M.. Boscolo. L.. C, & Pnta, C. (197.1). The tr.lLnenr or chndren
Cecchin,
ConNr,trk. W. R 11911) t h. dl rrn,nir .//,tn,a. Ncw yor [: I I r)n trt lntrr
nkl) tt \,1iltidr rhr.0gh bicl thcirpy ol Lhen p.rents. l'd,!io Pr..e,r, 7J(4),429 442
I tr ,L
(,N1.:,lt(l'r85.Nov.rhr'2N)(;ivi|!rtrxnr\turrhcrnaicrnxc\'t.h(rf^tri,t\r\tt\\ttt,5 Sclviri l,rirzzoli, M., B.\colii, 1,, Cedchni, G., & Prara, G. (19r7). Fanih rilLrah: A Doledul tool
d ll,rilf thcrxfy. /i,ril! Dz..s, /6(,1)..1.15-,154
 tr
.l
trr RITI' A IS I\ I A \4II II S \\D IA\4II
\l.lro , l, . | .. ap. .1i , a Pmrr C to, qri,rtTeLl orc.-,n on tr
r. tl . ooo d J. rrd \P. .1.\, '. t L n. .- t o1,._. t ,
I,ILRAP\
$t9
a\\ a
r, r.. l,l .n,l' '.\4. fr,.o'o. t .e!. & p,i" u., t ,.ei. pr r,. , ,
N,r \,n t: rrior ArcnsoD.
),1,,. lrtr'.,. , t',t,t,. J r./...,,- /,ri, crdnop.ar...! ,. ,.tr
,l, r ,'a,r.t, J\i-tr: to. o i l,e!.d,. .,.!ot ).rer,i. ii..t.
"l [' rtr' ly jlrrrp!. Fdrllr pr..rr, _22a4). .169,4?6
1.... \ r i.,.-.FqL g: pr I \Lr.p .,1-, i. : i ,n. _u o.t ne ,. tr . r.
r, /i/dil, /r!, ,r 7.rlr l-.rs
l\ r rcrv! iye inrcrvidwnrg: prn IL ]meidnrS ro ask lineat, .ncutar. {6reaic lnd
Ri.tual Themes in Families
r,rr.rr,)[$)
\l\r,tL'.\tiotrs. F,rr! Prdrs 27nt I ti
I r l|rr/t ( ,,r,!J .,rr)nJ. Nc* yo r lltufron! pre(
\ t nrtt th(f. e! at \)mbats: As?{s alNt;nbr tuuaj.Ithaca. Ny: Corne trnivc(nv and Family Therapy
\ | t | I trhts, fdtls. altd
| SrmbatiL nctiot h h,rd, r,. ie, trha.., Nl:
" 'nctapha^:
\ I r/\) R hrniN .onnnmurion and torency: An Ndenrbu clse stndy. JI C. Hiu (En.t.
\ rl, , ltt h)q.k)tital Saci?tr pr.c.etli,a!: No. 9. srnbol! u,a c*"y" _ iii"1
r,,L ,r d,,n,, ipp.58 8t). Arhons: Univcsiry ofCoorgjr prc*.-,i,i,,
t

" tt.-.. httr.it -..a.L..-._ t,.l-,n_t.,"t, ii \,\ \o1 t,,i,t,4

l,l'1.t,
rr ,. EVAN IMBER.BLACK

A r\'rAN. MR. KoRNER, called requesting thempy for himself. He stated th'?t
he was separated lrom his wife and childrcn and had just lost his job'
He said hJ feit veiy depressed and wasn'f sure that life was worth living'
I asked whether he fh;ught his separalion was pernanent, and since he
was unsure. I asked hirn to invite his wife to the fiIst session. During
this filst session. Mrs- Korner said she had tried for many years to get
her husband to work or their problems, vrhich included conflicts between
them and hetwcen Mr. Korner and his l2_year old sor, Billy, but that
Mr. Korner had always refused. They werc now separaied and had been
for a ye and a half, dudng which tjme MIs. Komer had moved into a
new bouse with Bil1y and their daughter, Sally, 10. Mrs. Komer had
lone back to.chuol "nd hrd iu'l been hired l,'r a good i"b. During
ili' ri',,.. Vt. Kurncr had losr hi. iob.rnd uas ',rnrinuing r,' hare rerl
orirblemaric relarion. \ ilh his.on. Shc raid \he hxd trieil lo gel him lo
so ro lherat'r e:trlier, uhen lhejr m:rrriage ua' collaptinS. blrt lh'l hc
had refused, and she had gone by herself Mrs. Korner said she did not
\\,ant to come to therapy with her husband at this time, but that she might
bc uilling to.on e in lrom lime lo lirn..'
Wori iommenced with Mr. Komer, focusing on his generally trou_
blcd rcl.rtionships u'ith his wife, his soll, and his fellow workers. He
allo$cd lhat he htd bcen a very critical pe$on and that he saw himself
ils vcry hir(l lo livc with. ts hc always plrt his wife down, often in front
50 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
of other people. He said that during recent yeals his wife just refused to
have company, and even family dinners had dwindled. He described
himself as an unimaginative and uncreative person. Explomtion of his
own family of origil revealed that both of his parents drank a]cohol to
excess and that they \rr'ere extremely critical ofhim and had often humili-
ated him in front of others. During therapy which focused ol1 intergener-
ational pattems and Mr. Komer's place in those patterns, both as a child
and now as an adult, Mr. Komer began to change his behavior, espe
cially towards his wife. He was able to get a new job. He and his wife
began to date, and she rcturned to the therapy, as they decided to recon-
cile. Here the therapy began to work on "new wedding vows," a ritual-
ized process that allowed the couple to air past differcnces and set a tone
for their future relationship. The couple's fiIst wedding had been marred
by the death of the wife's adored father Iwo days after the wedding.
Mr. Korner said he had felt he could never measure up to the memory
of his wife's father. Their cunent effofi was framed as a "new beginning,
While Mr. and Mrs. Komer were working on their new vows, they
appeared for a therapy session looking very upset. They began to de-
scribe the children's, especially Billy's, unhappiness with the prcspect
ot father's rcjoining the family. Mr- Komer said that when he went to
(he house, Billy would say, "who wants you here go away!" Most
Billy S{llY
trl(ilJIiti: I 'I'hr K(ntrI lrrrril! A lirrlly ll' lrlrllr
RITUAI IHEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY 5I
recently, both childrcn rcfused to go on a family outing that the parents
had planned. Mr. and Mrs. Korner, who had set a date for Mr. Komer
to move back home in three weeks. now felt uncertain. I asked them to
bring the children to a session the following Dight.
Billy and Saily were very articulate and in our conversation they were
able to state that, while they loved their father and really liked this "new"
man who was coming over all the time, they were also very frightened
that the changes would not last. Bi1ly said, "We've become used to living
just with oDr mother. It took a long time. What if we have to go through
this again?" At tlis point, both children appeared more friBhtened than
angry. Billy also described old fights between him and his father, which
used to lead to fights belween husband and wife, and expressed wory
thal these would occur again. He also described that in these fights Sally
would side with 6eir father, and that only recently were he iurd Sal1y able
to get along. DDring the session, Mr. Komer apologized to Billy for all
the old hurts, and both parents promised the children that the old way
would not rcturn. They described their new wedding vows to tle chil_
dren. They spoke about the sort of parents they planned to be for both
children, and as they did so, the children visibly rclaxed.
At the end of the session, I requested that Billy and Sally get together
without their parents and plan a sulprise for their parents on the occasion
of their fkher rejoining the family. I lhen asked Mr. and Mrs. Komer to
get together lo play a surprise for Billy and Sally on the occasion of
Mr. Korner rejoining the family. A11 agreed to my rcquest.
When I next saw the family a month later, Mr'- Korner had, lndeed,
moved home. I asked about the surprises and heard Ihe following;
Billy: We made a wedding cakel We baked four angel food cakes and
stacked them up. lt took us all day!
Therapisti were your parents surpised?
Sally: Yeahl!! And we got frosting all over ourselvesl
Mr. Korner: 0aughingl And all over the kitchen!
MIs. Korner said she couldn't fathom how they had done it, since
they told her they hadn't greased the pans belween each baking! She
also said they had put a piece in the fieezer for next year's annivenary,
as the date of the father's rejoining the family was now their "new anni
versary." Billy, previously labeled "unimaginative, like his fatber,"
proudly told me that the cake had been his idea.
I thcn asked about the parents' surprise for the children. Mr. and
Mn. Korner had rented two adioinjng hotel rooms and had taken the
childrcn out fbr a spccial night. When they afived at the rooms the
 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THER{PY
5r
childrcn found small gold-colored glasses with each one's name on a
glass and the date. The parents split a large bottle of champagne and the
ahildren split a tiny bottle ofchampagne. While both parents had worked
on most of ihe jdeas fol the surprise, the glasses were Mr' Korner's idea
and he had made all of the arangements, something which he would not
have done previously. Before dinner, the parents had planned to ex_
change new wedding dngs. At the last moment, they decided to include
the children in this ring ceremony. Mr. Komer gave Sal1y the ing to
hand to her mother, and Mrs. Korner gave Billy the ring to hand to his
father, in a ceremony that meiaphorically expressed the new rclationship
options available in the family.
I saw the family again in six months. They were doing well, and were
able to artjculate many differences ftom their prior intemctional paftems.
Mr, and Mrs. Komer were able to discuss issues between them.
Mr. Komer no longer criticized his wife or his son. Father and son were
going out and doing things together, which they had never done before.
They told me that they used the little gold glasses on special family
occasions. At this session, I asked about whether they had always beefl
a family that planned such nice celebrations as they had described to me
and where they had leamed to do such lhings. Mrs. Komer said she came
from a family that always had lovely family events Mr' Komer said that
on holidays in his famjly, his parents would drink and fighl and be ver-
bally abusive to him. He had decided that. when he had his own family,
they would not have frmily celebratiofls and would thereby avoid a lot
of problems. For 14 years, the family lbllowed Mr. Komer's plan, and
remained underritualized, with no markers for family events or develop
mental change. Only when tle family reunited with many new assump
tions were they able to celebrate themselves with rituals.
The rituals designed by the family in response to my insftuctions to
"make a surprise" functioned to reincorporate the husband and father as
a member of the family, effectively mark the llealrng process between
husband and wife and between father and son, highlight the father's new
identity as caring. rather than critical, establish a new ide tit fot the
family as a family able to have special family events together in which
rll participated, punctuab the belief egotiatior process iDvolvcd in the
new wedding vows, and serve as n celebrution of thcir nrt[ly Pcrsooal
and interpersonal changes. They chose symbols thal dclirt((l lhcrll tls be_
ing both like other families (e.g., a wedding crrkc :rrxl wultling rings)
and as uniquc (e.g., special glasses with lhcir nntllcs llrr(l rrr'\! ilrrrrivcrsirry
clalc on them). The symbols and sy,nh)lic nrlirrrs hillhli8hl( (l ( il( lr in(li
vidual nrcrnbcr (c.g., li)ur crkes, linrr llIr|in\), rlvrrriir rlIrlirn'shiPs
(c.8.. lhc Lrrgc chunrp gne bolllL! Iin'llx l)lrrrrrlN rlrrrl Iln !lllrlll olr( lin'
RITIIAI, THEMES IN FAMILTES AND FAMILY THERAPY 53
the children), the shift in available alliances (e.9., the ring ceremony),
and the family as a whole. Finally, the entire ritual connected past, pres-
ent. anal future for the family via a process that did not deny fhe hurts of
the past, that marked the new rclationships in the present, and that in
volved symbols to be used by the family in the future.
FIVE RITUAL THEMES
ln designing and implementing therapeutic ritDals with individuals, cou-
ples, famili;s, or families and larger systems, five themes sene to orient
the therapist's decision making:
(1) nembershipi
(2) healine;
(3) idenlityl
(,1) belief expression and negotiationi and
(5) celebration.
These themes may also be seen in any family's nomative rituals,
whether lhese are daily rituals, family traditions, family and cultural cel
ebmtions, or life cycle transition rituals Any given ritual may include
one or more than one theme.
AII human systems must deal with the issue of membership, including
the questions of who is jn and who is out, who belongs to the system,
who defines membelship, and how one gains or loses membership Such
membership issues are often difficult for families. as they require com_
plex reworkiflg of family pattems, rules, available relationship options,
rnd pre\ iously agreed upon role\.
Vember.hip rirurl. occur drrrll in lamilie\ durinp r'anxly meal'. Jur'
rne,,rhich seoting !rrangemenl.. allo''\ahle lopic( and allouable a[fecl
mil,phoricalll Jehne and .edellne lhe lamll) s \iew' oj il\ell. Discu'-
sion in therapy of the family's dinner time can infbnn the therapist about
membership issues. Thus, in one divorced family, the three sons com_
plained thtt the family had not had a meal together "since father left."
instead, the mother cooked and ate in het room alone, while the oldest
and youngest son ate in front of the television at sepamte times and the
middle son stayed out on the sfeets during dinner. This daily ritual rc
placed thc one ol thc family eating together and served as a painful
metaphor for the lamily's cufcnt fragmentation. Dnily ritua]s of partiog
5.1 R]TUAIS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY TI{ERAPY RITUAL THEMES lN FAMILIES AND FAMILY TIIERAPY 55

and reenlry arc also membenhip dtuals, defining issues of closeness and
distance,
The membership theme attends to many family life cycle transitions
that are marked by nomative ritDals, such as weddings, in which the
membership in two families of oigin and in a new couple unit is poten-
tially redefined, baby-naming ceremonies in which a new child is wel-
comed into the family and extended family and often into a particular
ethnic community, Bar Mitzvah, which redefines membership in both the
family and the Jewish community, or graduation ceremonies, in which a
young adult's relationship to the family, parents'rclationship to the
young adult and to each other, and the family's relationship to the school
system may be redefined. Such nomative rituals may mark changes that
have been in process, or facilitate needed changes in relationship de6ni_
tions, or point the way to changes yet to come.
Families with more idiosyncratic life cycle transitions often have no
rituals to mark or facilitate membership changes (Imber-B1ack, 1988).
For instance, there arc no agreed upon dfuals to mark families formed
by adoption or for families whose membership is changed by divorce.
There arc no wedding rituals for homosexual couples to mark the crc_
atjon of their unit or to connect them with extended family. There are
no leaving home rituals for families wiih handicapped members who are
leaving to live in a grcup home. There are no special dtuals to facilitate
the complex membeiship changes required in stepfamily fomation; rather,
such fannlies most often begin with a wedding dtual which enoneously
suggests they are identical to a new nucle:tl couple. An extreme example
of this may be seen in a stepfamily who came for therapy due to step_
parenlslepchild conflict that was rapidly leading to the extrusion of a
child. This couple's wedding was celebmted with extended family and
friends, but their five children from their pior marriage, ages six to
twelve, were barred from attending. The wedding ritual had publicly af_
firmed the new couple, but not the new stepfamily.
or to mark more temporary changes, such as the entry oI the therapist
into the family system.
The membeNhip theme is palticularly poignant in ihe issues brought
to thempy by stepfamilies, divorced families, families fomed by adoption,
families whire membership is ambiguous, and families intensely involved
without orltside helping iystems. Conversations between iherapist and
family can prcductively focus on nomative membership ituals, both as
infonnarion for the therapist and as a catalyst to rcvitalizing old or in
venting new membership dtuals
BREF EXAMPLE THE THERAPIST COMES TO DINNER A family was referred
for thenpy due to an "ealing disorder" in the older daughter' The family
consisted;f a father, Bob Wharton, 33, a mother' Sue Wharton, 30' and
two daughters, Sandra, 12, and Ellen, 8. During the lirst session, which
focused;n understandiog the presenting problem in the context of fam_
ily, exteniled family, and helpi[g system relationships, the family mem-
birs were extremely tense. They answered queslions briefly and with
much nervous iaughtei. As therapist, I felt ljke an extreme outsider to
the family.
During a discussion of Sandm's problem, which involved unusual
food preferences, to wit, licnch fries, bread and milk, which she ate to
the eiclusion of all other foods, I discovered that the only time this

MEMRERSHTP t{truAl-s AND THE THERAPEUTIC ?RocEss. Therapeutic mem

bership rituals may be designed to facilitate the expansion or contraction
of membership, to rcdefine the meanings of membershiP. to fitcilitate
entrances and exits, and to delineate boundaies both within lhc lilmily
and between the family and the outside world. Thc rilullls tlcscribcd in
the Korner family allowed for the reentry oI thc hushtrr(i rrtxl lrllhcr in a
new way, while also redefining allianccs. Mcnrhcll\llil) rilrrlrls rrrily bc
desigDed 1() mark definitive membcrshif chirrgcs. sl( ll lls lll( r'rrlry ol a
stcplalhor inlo a preexistiDg Iamily unil ol rrlollr(l llrrrl rIiIIr'rr, Io rrltcr
lhc nrcani0gs ol'mcDlbcr-ship, srrch irs wlrt ll n Yinrllll llrllrll l( rrvrs lx,rrrc. FTGIJRE 2,2 The Wharton Fanily: Thc Therapist Comes to Dinner
ri0 RITUALS IN FAMIL]ES AND FAM]LY THERA.PY
provoked conllict was ai the family's daily dinner. At breakfast ard
lunch, which Sandra had with her sister while their mother stood nearby,
Sandra ate bread and milk. but did not get i[to any struggles. However,
al dinner, when both parents were piesent, Sandra and her mother would
fight over Sandra's eating. Falher would listen silently fbr a while, eat
his meal. and then leave the table, wherc Sandra and her mother would
remain for upwards of an hour, locked in a conflict in which Sandm's
way prcvailed.
Thus, tbe family's dinner had became a daily dtual whose central
relationai metaphor was triadic. As the family discussed it wit}l me, it
was clcar that food had come to symbolize covert power and contlol to
the members, rather than many of the other things which food may sym-
bolize in a family, such as nurtumnce, giving and receiving, and expres-
sion of ethnicily. In addition, few individual dilferences seemed available
fbr expression in the family, with the dramatic excepdon of Sandra's
fi)od prefercnccs.
I concluded the first session by asking the family to bdng dinner to
the next clinic ,rppointment. I rclabeled Sandra's "eating disordei' as
"having favorites" and, among other instructions, asked thai she and her
father shop fbr the dinner and select some of her "favodteJ' for the
fhDlily and for me to eat.
The family arived for the next session with their dinner. Mother
asked Ellen to "set the table" just as lhey sit at home. Sandra's place
was bel\{een her pa{ents. As Ellen sel the table, her mother remilded
hcr that "We have a guest fbr dinner," and asked, "where does ow com
pany usually sit?" Thus, in the opening moments of the second session,
held at the clinic and not at the family's home, the daily dinner ritual
had begun to transfonn my rclationship to the family. I was lheir "guest."
I was "company-" ln sho . I was allowed access to the family through
their daily itual of dinner together. The environment was much more
relaxed than dudng lhe firct session, and the family began to show ac-
ceptance of the reframe "favoites," which, I suggested through ques-
tions, applied to all members and not just Sandm. rcplacing their prior
view of "three normal eaters and one with an eating disordcr" (lmber'
Black, 1986a).
ln this case and other similar ones in which the hnrily is invilcd to
bring dinner to the clinic, the family's daily memhcrship rituirl ol meal
is utilizcd to facilitate thc therapist's access inlo llx lhrily systcln in
order to linm a lcmporary family-thcr.rpisl sysl(rrr lln ttstrrrl r'ornplc
nrentarily ol clicnl and thclilpisl is lcDlportrrily (r)rrli)rrrxl.,l lrrllr Ihrough
(hc unusuirl cor)rplcnrcr)liuily ol l Iurlrily p|tPIrrirrlt rrrr,l I'llllllrrur linxl lo
lhc thcrupisl nrl(l lh11,uSh lhc syrrrrrrctlirrrl Il{lr,l ilrnrlrr,'rr lrnrrl l(,11(lllcr'
RITUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY 57
Thus, a vadety of temporary membership options become available for
the theraDist and the family.
Other member.hip theme riruals uill be illuttrared beloq m the 'haplers
on adoption (Chaptir 8), couples' issues (Chapfer 4), and remaried fam-
ilies (Chapter 12).
Healing
In everv human life. there are times when personal and relationship heal-
ins is needed. Rituals to effect healing can be found in every culture's
fuieral rites, which simultaneously mark the loss of a member, facilitate
rhe e\ore\.ion ol griel, dnd poinl lo i direclion lor ongoing lile Such
rirualr frequenll] riquire.hared meal' or \i'iling lhe bereaved for ' pre_
scnbed Deriod ol lime in ordel lo prevenl d) 'funclional r\oldlion during
rhe period of immediale griel and to'\. Spccitic stcps l"r reincorPiration
of survivors into the larger community may be included (Van Gennep,
1960).
Man\ relisrou\ and cullural group' ha\e 'pecilic ritudl\ l'or remem
bering ind h-onoring a member \{ho hd\ dierl Fo' insrance rn Catholi
cism,-survivom ma, request that a mass be said to commemomte the
anni;ersary of a loved one's death. In Judaism, a specidl ceremony is
held to place the heaalstone on a grave a year following a death,-and
familv members recite the Kaddish prayer both on annive$aries of the
death and on certain holialays. Such rituals are lime-bounded and space-
boundeal. allowing for the expression of grief and loss in a manner lhat
simulfaneously facilitates ongoing life
Nations or communities may create healing rituals to deal wjth the
Iosses sustained by war' A contemporary example is the vietnam war
memorial in Washington, D.C., which provides an ongoing healing riF
jn the war
ual as family members and friends who lost men and women
come, final their person's name on the wall, and n'nke rubbings to carry
back home. thu; affirming their owfl personal loss while connecting
with a larger community Such ffips to the wal1 are often referred to as
-pilgrimages.'
' More ricentlv. in thc Amencan gay communit). a healing nlual betsan
with the creation of a quilt consisting of individually made patches -to
commemorate penons;ho have died of AIDS. Each patch is made by
, ner\on who ir. losr..,meone and conlarn' personal qho eipression: de
rrlrned ro capture some e\<enlial aspecl ol the person died' Here'
rhi ch,'rcc oia quill. radler rhan. lor rn'lance. x paintinS. ma] be 'een
ro s\mbolize lhe po"ibililie. ol \tarmrh a\ailable throuBh 'urvi!or\'
.onne.rion with eaih,,thcr. lhu. allirming lile e\en in lhe lace ollerrible
58 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
death. This painfully unfidshed ritual funcrions on multiple levels to
memorialize each person who has died, to connect a community that is
grieving together, and to serve as a stark and visual reminder to the
broader community of the magnitude of loss.
HEALTNG RTTUALS AND TEE THERAPEUTTC PROCESS while prescribed heal-
ing rituals to deal with the loss of a person th$ugh death do exist, the
connection of these ituals to the needs of a particular penon or family
may be missing. For example, in contemporary society, a eulogy may be
given by a clergy person who barely knew the deceased, and the funeral
ritual, per se, may be a hollow ritual. Since most people now die in
hospitals rather than at home, the ea.lier proximity with death and loss
as part of the human life cycle has all but disappeared, making healing
more difficult to accomplish. Thus, a therapist may find that the healing
process rcgarding the loss of member through death has been blocked
and replaced by symptoms that function to odent attention away from
the need for healing. Here symploms may also connect to unacknowl-
edged and unhealed losses in previous generations (Walsh, 1983). Them-
peutic healing dtuals may be designed to begin to deal with such losses,
particularly if normative healing d[a1s have either not occurred or have
been insufficient to deal with the complex personal and inteipefional pro-
cesses connected to death. Losses in a family, including pregnancy loss,
suicide, sudden, violent or unexpected death, may especially call for
therapeutic healing dtuals. Such rituals must rcspect the magnitude of
the loss, and should sensitively involve the client in their cocreation.
BRIEF EXAMPLE RETURNTNC HO\4E. A young woman, Carolyn Bell, 28,
came for therapy, complaining of "never being able to finish anything."
She had dropped out of college after two years, and had since had a
series ofjobs at which she felt unsuccessful. She lived alone, having left
two rclationships since college. ln the first session, she said, "everywherc
I look in my life, things are incomplete." When we did her genogram
together, I found out that her mother had died unexpectedly when Car-
olyn was 14 and about to gmduate from junior high school.
She told me that she had been so distraught that fhe family doctor
recommended that she not be allowed to attend her mother's ftrncral. as
it would be "too upsetting," and that her father followcd lhis irdvice.
Shortly after her mother's death, her father sold the horrc lh(.y livcd in
to ncighbors and moved the family 1() be near his r)w!l llx)lh(r so that
she could help him with childrearing. Carolyn (li(l rr)l nllcrxl lrt r irni{)
high graduation. and the entire evcnl wils losl, \ llx llrrily wr\ (rughl
up in gricl'and in lhc dclails of nrovin!1. (lIr)lyrr w1l,., sIrl,l! rr11rllr(l iD
RITUAL THEMES IN FAM]LIES AND FAMILY TIIERAPY
the new high school and expected to funciion. Very quickly, teachers
began to complain that she was not finishing her homework, bul she was
given a lot of understanding due to her mother's deat}l. She began to
think of herself as "a person who doesn't finish things " During high
school, Carolyn asked her falher twice if she could go visit their old
house. Both times he declined, saying it would be "too upsetting for
her." After that she stopped asking. Seemingly, thc past was to be scaled
off. During our conversation, Carolyn said she believed that her inability
to finish lhings was connected to her mother's death and all that hap-
pened affer, but that since this was all in the past she did not know what
to do about it. I asked her to consider what she lelt most "unfinished"
about from that period of her life and sajd that we would discuss this the
next session. I said that she could do this consideration in any way that
seemed appropriate for her, but that I would suggest thai she carcfully
rcview each aspect of that tin,Ic, including her mother's death, the funeral
she missed, the graduation she missed, leaving her house, moving to a
new area, and not being able to rett}m lo the old house She soriled and
said she wasn't sure she could complete lhe task, bu1 that she would tly
Carclyn retumed and told me that she had decided to carefully sludy
each aspect ofthat time on a different day, teeling that she would at lcast
complete a po ion each day. She said the task had been very Painful and
that she had beell tempted to stop but didn'i. She told me that she had
decided IhaI she felt most unfinished aboul the house she had lived in
and no{ been allowed to lrturn to as a teenager. This disconnecijon liom
her home seemed to be a very vivid melaphor for disconnection in other
areas of her life. ln a very moving discussion, she said that she knew a
lot of people visited cemeteries, but that she felt more of hel mother's
prcsence and of her relationslip to her rnoiher was in that housc We
began to talk of what it would mean for her 10 relurn there lor a visit.
Between the second and third sessions, Carolyn did a 1ot of work. She
spoke to a friend about the old house and discovered lhal it had been
sold again to people she did not kno$,. She managed to get their name
and phone numher, but had not called them yet- She wondered iI hcr
father would be anBry wjlh her if she went back to see the house. As we
talked, it seemed as if Carolyn still related to her father as if she were a
teen, and thal, indeed. their relationship had nol matured aller hcl moth_
er's death, but rather had become frozen in 1ime. She decided that she
wanied to tell her father that she planned to visit tbe old house and to
invile him to come if he wished.
Between the third and fou(h sessions, Carolyn contacted the people
who owned the house, explained why she wanled lo visit the house, and
seclrrcd their conscnt to do so. She still fell scared about her faiher's

RITUALS ]N FAMILIES AND F,{MILY THERA?Y
rcsponse. I coached her to thank her father for his protectiol ofher when
she was younger. mther than to exprcss anger at him, which a former
therapist had encouraged. Carolyn ther said that perhaps she had been
prctecting him, too, since not finishing her schoolwork and other chores
had distracted him fiom the pain of his loss. I suggested that, sirce she
was an adult now and since 14 years had passed, perhaps neither needed
so much protection now.
By the fiflh scssion, Carolyn had spoken 1() her fatler and had inviled
him to see the old house with her. He declined, but said he undentood
that she would want to do so. He also gave her several photogmphs that
had been taken in the house and which they had not looked at since her
molher's death. She brought the photographs to the session and we
looked at them together. Several were of her mother obviously enjoying
this home. Carolyn cded ancl said she had seen no photographs of her
molher for so many years. Towards the end of lhe session, she said she
was ready to go see the house by herself. I suggested that she might
want to take some new photographs of the house.
Crrolyn rcturned in a monlh. She had been to the house and walked
thrcugh each room- She drew a piciure for me of the floor plaD of the
house. and we talked about what she rcmembered- The memodes were
bolh happy ones and painful ones. replacing her earlier sense that the
past only contained pajnfut memories. She had also taken a photograph
of the outside of lhe house. 11 looked quite different ftom when she had
lived there, as the owners had done some remodeling. She said lhis upset
her at lirsl. but that she rcalized that, oI course, things must change. She
felt prcud of herself for going and for talking to her father about it after-
wards. She said she wanted to take some time to consider all that had
happened and that she would call me. I was left wondering if therapy
was not "unfinished." but decided to wait and see.
Carolyn called me in four months. During thal time, she had made
one nrcre tdp lo see the house with her father accompanying her. They
cried togelher for the firsl time. She had decided to reenter college and
had made application and been accepted- She had never before been able
to lbcus on what she wanted to do with her life. but had decided since I
had scen her last to follow a strong interest in anthrcpology. Shs said
hcr scnse of herself as a person who "cou]d not finish things hrl(l 'lilded
In this casc. Carolyn and I cocreated lhc hcrling ritorrl ()l Ix r rclrrrDing
hoDrc. Rithcr thaD assumc that whal was |ctlrrir'ul wrrs. li)r irrslrrrrcc. .I
ccnlclcry visil, I carclirlly lbllowed hcr (li1111i(xr nrrrl srrv( (l In irrrntily ns
r c()nch rlD(l ls u pcr|ton lo whonr sllc (rnrkl r( ltr)ll lr,1 I'wrr rlrvrlt'l)rrnrlts.
.lusl ls t)lliI flr(l loss trrc intcrrs('ly lxrnnrrrl rrrxl IIIIII!IIIIIIIL v' is lhc
I
RITIIAI, THEMES ]N FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
healing of pain and loss. Thus, while lherc are cetain symbolic actions
that appear common to many healing dtuals, such as lisiting a grave,
burying, buming, etc., the particulars must be highly indivjdualized to
suit the rcquirements of the person or the family. In this therapy. I dis
tinctly chose to underylay Carolyn's view of hoself as a "person who
doesn't finish things" and rcfocus on an opportunity for her to choose to
finish a very ciucial iime of her life and lo move on with a sensc that
she no longer fleeded to seal off the past, but could carry aspects of the
past with her in a new way. Since unresolved loss frequenlly functions
in ways that keep people anchored in the past, even when they are work-
ing very hard to deny the past, and prcvent a sense of present and future
development, healing rituals are often designed to provide a iemporal
connection of past, present. and future.
THERAPEUTTC ITEALING RrrU,{LS FOR OTHER LOSSES. Healing may alSO be
needed for losses rcsulting from the incparable break in a rclationship,
such as separation and divorce or the end of nonmarried relatioDships.
In Westem culrurc, there are no agreed Lrpon riluals to mark the end of
a mar.iage and to facilitate the healing that is needed to reestablish one_
self or to promote a new kind of relatjonship between spoLrses after the
end of a madage, especiaily necessary when they will remain as parents
to children. One clienl cynically commented that going to court rras her
divorce ritual, and that the couit experience left her feeling bitter and
empty. There are also no dtuals to ease the way lor extended family
relatronships in cases of divorce,
Cetain religions do have rcligious divorce rituals, as, for instance, Ihe
Jewish 8sr. Granted by rabbinic authority, and marking the end of a
mariage as that which occurs within tbe context of a larger community.
the ser involves the actual tearing of the mariage confac( or tetu&d,
which is usudlly a very beauiiful document decorated with hand_drawn
Therapeutic healing rituals are cspecially efticacious for the end of
relationships that are not conlimsd by the wider conmuniiy. The end
of a nonmarried relationship not only has no healing ritual, but also often
is not acknowledged as a loss by family and fliends, or is considered
"less serious" than a divorce. This very lack of confirmation of loss
makes healing more difficult, as there is no context for the exprcssion of
pain and sadness.
For both divorce and the end of nonmaried rcladonships, therapeutic
healirg iluals frequently begin with an afTirmation of loss and then lead
to a gradual process of letting go that carelully lespects the clienl's pace.
Very ollcn, pcriods ol holding on are symbolically alternated with pcri
 'p

RITUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY 03

69 RIIUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY

ods of letting go, enabling the client to examine both aspects and to
determine thJpace. Symbolic action, such as burying or buming metaphors
for the old reiationship may be utilized to symbolize finality when the
client indicates a readiness fo{ such finality.
Therapeutic healing rituals may be efficacious for losses of bodily
pafis and funclions due to illness and the often attendant loss of roles' life
ixpectations, and drearns. The lack of any such rituals that can acknowl-
edge the losses and beBin to facilitate altematives has been hypothesized
as a contributory factor in the rapid deterioration of older people who
suffer multiple unmoumed losses. Here healing rituals should involve
aspects that mourn the loss while simultaneously pointing to what is
possible in the future.
Therapentic healing dtuals may be designed for deep cultuml losses,
such as the losses due to migration. Here the healing rituals may be
designed both to jncoryomte unrecovemble aspects of life, such as when
a p"ison or family cannot return to the country of birth, and to make
oruoing cross-cultuml connections possible through affiming memories,
tnditions, stories.

tsI'IEF EXAMPLE EL SA]-VADOR AND THE BRONX, A fAMilY, CONSiStiNg Of A

single mofher, Ms. Tores, and two adolescent children, a boy, Manuel,
15, and a girl, Maria, 13, were rcfeffed for therapy due lo the so['s
problems in school. In recent weeks he had begun cutting school and
iranging out on the streets. The family was from El Salvador, which they
had fled fbur years earlier following the impdsonment and subsequent
death of the father for political activities The children spoke English,
while the mother spoke primarily Spanish. They werc living in the Bronx.
sessron, the mother said that they had been very close,
In the first
both in E1 Salvador and during the firsl two years in the Bron-\, but that
now they werc distant. She said she could not understand her children
aDymore. and that she was very afraid of losing them, especially her son.
Th; children both stated that they could no longer understand their
mothcr. They said they wanted to be American and that she wanted them
lo be S.rlvadoran. They were angry that she had not learned morc En-
glish, and the son said, "My mother lives in the past!" While the children
;poke, the mother cried. When they finished, she said thal thcy refused
t; listen 10 her when she wanted to talk about homc Tho sorr irrmedi-
tely said, "Home is in the Bronx now!"
Thcy described a daily patlern in which lhc nx)lhcr wr)lll(l lry lo spcak
rhort El Salvador. and bolh childrcn w(rLlld l(xlvc, Wl['ll llxf children
t c(l t() trlk irhout whirl wlls haPponinF to lll.lll rvrlyrilly, lll(f lnothcr
woukl Bcl ulscl. Mothcr rtnd chil(l11'll wrlc h('rl,lllllrg rrrrrlr'lln(l nn)re
FIGURE 2,3 The Tore! Fahillr El Salvador and the Bronx
separate. At the same time, the chilalrcn's carc and conoem fbr their mother
became evident when the coDversation shifted to their dend father. as
both children moved swilily to protect their mother, changing the subject
to issues that would upset her in more manageable ways! Thus, the chil-
dren's seeming refusal to affirm their connection to El Salvador not only
exFessed faidy typical adolescent rebelUon in situations of migration, but
also served a protective function, albeit misguided, to keep their mother
angry rather than sad.
At lhe end of the session. I asked them all to bdng iaems to the next
session that would rcpresent El Salvador and the Bronx, in order to begin
a process that would affirm the connection oI all firee members to both
places. In the second session. time was spent with each member sharing
thei items. The mother was surprised that both children brought items
from El Sah,ador that represented very tender memoies, including pho-
tographs and toys. She said thnt she had no idea thar they had kept any-
thin& Their items tom the Bronx were a rock and roll tape and a poster
from a concert. The son e{prcssed surprise thai this did not upset lis
molher. since ai homc thcy frequenlly lbught about the music the chil
 RIII AL5 IN |AMIL]] 5 C\D I A\4]I Y
dren wanled to hear. The mother broughl Salvadoran food she had made.
She also brought a small pizza that she had bought to Iepresent the
Bronx, and said that lately the childrcn were always eating pizza instead
of the fbod she prepared. We sat and ate both the Salvadoran food and
the pizza together.
At the end of this session in whjch bolh cultures were alfirmed by all
family members, I asked thcm to pick a lime once a week for "storytelling,"
when the children would listen to their mother's stories about El Salvador,
foltowed hy the mother's listening to the children's stories about the
Bronx. This storytelling ritual was designed to intcrdict the previous pat-
tern of distance and struggle, to affirm both culturcs, to connect mother
rnd adolescent children. and to allow fbr continuity of pasi and present.
The family continued this storytelling dtual beyond the thlee weeks I
had asked them to try it, and it became a pal1 of thei family life. Over
ime, the stories allowed for the exprcssion of 111 of the members' loss
and sadness and fear involved in lheir fbrced migration, while at the
same lime anchoring them in a new life thal could include many ele_
menls of their heritage. Also, stories which the children told about the
Bronx enabled the son to begin to discuss his school problems, which he
hnd been afraid to raise with his mother earlier.
Thjs two-part dtual began wilh the family members' bringing the
items that represented El Salvador and the Bronx to the session. Duing
this insession portion, the mother was able to discern that her childrcn
werc still connccted to El Salvador and the children were able to realize
that their mother was nol closed to their new experiences in thc Bronx.
A small dose of symmetry was able to interdict the previously escalating
complementary pattem. The at-home storytelling ritual continued this
patlern shift. while allowing for the healing process needed in a faDily
that had been forced to flee their own home.
Therapeutic healing rituals 1() assisl families who have experienced
political terror will be discussed and illustrated in Chapter 15.
III]RAPEUTIC HEALING RITUALS I'OR RELATIONSHIP RECONCII-IATON, OVET
the course of adult couple relatioNhjps, parent child relalionships. and
close fiiendships. issues offorgiveness and reconciliation mry bc salient.
Extmmarital affairs, maniages or parent.child relalionships in which
yeaN of resentments have built up, and lhc cmcrSuncc (n 11)n8_hcld se_
crcls all may be limes when theripclrtic hcrrling riltrrlls irr'( lrselirl l_lcre
srch rituals tnay bcgin a px)ccss ol linSivrn(ss llnrl rrrr)rl(ilixli( or
rnily mark thc ccoorplishnlcnl ol rcc(nrt ililliorr' rr\ ill Ilx (rrst ol'lhe
Korlrcr hInily. in which thc riltulls rrrrtr{t rl tlrr' rr'r ,rrtr ilirrti, rrr ol lltrshrtnrl
iI)(l wilc. llD(l lnlhcr nrxl sorr.
THTRAPW RITLTAL THEMES JN FAMIL]ES AND FAMII-Y THFRAPY 65
BRrEF EXAMPLLT PARENT-CHrLD RricoNcrlrATroN. The Simpson iamily.
consisting of two elderly parcnts, George. 74, and Carrie, 73, and two
grown daughters, Catherine, 48. and El]en, 47, who lived separately from
the parents, came io therapy due to the mother's compulsive handwashing.
The relafionship between parents and daughters seemed stiff and frozen.
The mother's handwashing was the only topic family members would
discuss with each olher. Members werc distant from one another. Duinc
the course ofthe thempy with the older couple, a 4o-year secret emergedl
Before the couple had manied, the woman had become pregnant, and
they were sent away by their families of origin. After lhe first daughter
was born, the couple ma.ried. No family came to their wedding, and
they felt they hd maffied in shame. They had no wedding celebration
and no cclebration for the biflh of their daughter. They decided it would
be best to keep the origins of Iheir marriage a secret from tlreir children.
They avoided anything that would touch on this secret- Thus. they never
celebrated their anniversary. Morc and more topics became off 1imi1s,
until only the mother's handwashing was snfe for discussion. The couple
was increasingly cut olT from extended family and the outside world_
Until discussing this secret in therapy, they had told no one, although
they believed that, in tact, their daughters knew and were pretending nor
to know in order to protect them.
An in-session healing dtual of reconciliation was cocrcated by the
i
couple and me. fhe) invired lheir ddughler\ ro .e..ion and broughr
Irt(;liRlt 2.,+ rhe Sinrpson Fnnrily: Pa.cnt Chikl Re.onciliutbn
 RITUAL THEMES ]N FAMILIES AND FAM]LY THERAPY ii7
R]TUALS IN FAMIL]ES AND FAMILY THERAPY

MaDy faDily traditions and celebmtions touch on issues of identity.

,\ rnboL oi rheir weJJrna, including lhe 'ndniage licen'e u hrch the) had
Biflhday pades involve the identity theme, as they include aspecls that
Leur hidden in lhe bollo-m ol xn ol; llunk lor rrearly h,ll a cenltrr] ' The
symbolically allude to the change in age and development of a person.
.eisior ua. compri.cJ ol crch pdrenr'' lelling Ihe daughler( lherr 'l"r).
In my own family, we celebrate my daughter's adoption every year with
As the parcnts spoke, the daughters cried and said they had known this
an adoption day whose specific contenl varies year to year, enab]ing tbe
lor ve.r^ i'nd h,d irlwa\ s lell \o lcrrihle lhJl lhe) could nol dlsctr"
'c.ret aftmation ofher growth and development to be an element in the ritual.
ir uirh rhi prrtnts. bur lclr Lhrr il wotrld be urong lo bring rl up Al'ler
For instance, when she was very young, her adoption day was marked
rhc prrenl. lold lheir .lory rnd li.lened lo lheir duughtet' tetp^n\es.
by a family paty at home. As she has grown into a young woman, she
m.Iri rssue- rhat hu.l n<\er been discu\'cJ begrn ro pour "ur' The shole
has selected special ways to mark this celebration, such as going to din-
fimiiy's reconciliation of relationships was fufihel marked by the parents'
ner and a show with family members. Unlike a birthday pafty, this tual
nrh'couent (elebrJlion ol lheir dnni\er'ir\ lor lhr lirtl rrmc in olmo\l
is attended only by family members. This ritual. which also contains the
5u yelr.. lScc lmber Black. lq8ob. lor " complcle de\cnplion ui lhi'
membership theme, celebrates her identity as an adopted person and as
case.)
a daughter and a sister in our family.
In this case. the bcginnings of reconciljation between parents and chil
Family religious and ethnic celebrations may contribute to a sense of
dren occurred iD an in-session siorytelling rirual, in which symbols of a
identity. Here specific foods, dress and ceremonies may serve to syrnbol-
formerly forbidden past were brought out into the open. After this oc_
ize the identity theme. Such celebrations define an individual's identity
curred, other lialden issues were able to emerge as well, replacing the
ds pan of l] larger cullural gmup. ln lhe mulli elhnrc .ocrel) ol Lhe I nired
pattern of distance with one of involvemenl. The parents' reclamation of
States, pafticipation in such rituals as the Chinese New year or Greek
iheir own annivenary ritual may be seeD as a punctuation of the reconcil_
Orthodox Easter allow even highly assimilated persons to stay connecled
iation process-
to thejr ethnic and religious identity.
Cultural rituals, such as Veteran's Day, Mother's Day, and Fatheas
lrlentit,\' Delinition dnd Reddinilion Day, all involve the identity theme, as rhese mark and celebrate particu-
lar aspects of people's identities. Alcoholics ADonymous meetirgs in-
Individuals, families, and larger systems are known to themselves and
volve a ritualized pmcess that may conrribule ro a person's identity as a
olhers through particular identities. Such identities may be positive,
"recovering alcoholic." Such aclivities as adopted persons' searching lor
broad, nnd fGxible, or they may be negative, nanow, and constraining
their biological parenrs, or historical genealogy searches to discover
Normati\'e rituals in families facilitale shifts in identities for both indi
one's origins, or making distant lrips to countries where one s ancestors
viduals and families. Thus, a wedding operates not only [o rcdeiine fiem
came ftom frequently take on identity definition and redetinition ritual
bcrship, buI also to redefine identities, as two individuals become husband
qualities, as prescribed sleps are followed, including rcclairning one's
rnd r:ife and several family members becone in_laws. A rite of passage
"rcots" and reunions.
ritlral. such as a bar or bas mitzvah, is intended to change the identity of
r peNon from child to young adult with new responsibilities wilhin the IDENTITY RITUAIS AND THE THERAPEUTIC PROCESS FAMiIiCS MAV TCifV the
Jcwish community. A colleague told me a story of matking this change
rdenliry ol lheir members. Thu.. d paniculrr memberlnal te Ln"tin in
in i.lcntity by having her children pick ncw bedroom furniture on $e
a family as "the stubbom one" or "the sick child" or "the one with a
occrsion af their bar mitzvah in order to nctaphorically exPrcss the shift
temper" or 'lust like father." Children may be labeled with compiementary
l'r)n child 1() young duft. The children were told lo Pick lhu llrnilure rcles, such as "bad" child and "good" child. Mernbers may strive for
lhrt lhcy thought they would like to take with thc whcD llrcy lcli home, particular identities and become unhappy when these prove impossible
thus connectin=g the current lit'e cycle rnd idcDlily cl)nrrI( l(' rr lilrrrc one
to reach.
in which thcirldentily wotrld rgaiD shili, lhis lirrr( tr) irr(lrlxrr(l(rrl irdull.
whcn the children lcli honrc Lrn(l l(n)li lhc lir rilrrrc $'illr llr(rrr. tlrt prr RRrErr EXAMpLE BEcoMtNo 'lMpFRFEcT" pARENls A family consisting of
cnts wore lhcD visihly clnrli(ntlfil willl Ilx rllllrrl'( ill Ilrr'ir rrwrr i(l(rrlitics
two parcnts, Mr. and Ms. Ellis, and two adopted childrcn, Andy, I I and
lionr pillcrrls ol (hil(lrcn ilt llrnrr( l() ll corrl)lt'witlr l'rrnvrr r'lriIltctr who Calhy, 11, crDrc to l{lmily fierapy due 10 problems with Andy. The par.-
rx) l(nrgcr'livr(l nl h{)rnr.
 RI NJAI S IN I AMILIL! A"JD I AT'I II Y THER APY
ents saial they found him hard to manage, that he misbehaved at home
and at school. Ofter Andy would not tbllow rules. He frequently got into
fights with other children, iflcluding Cathy. The parents felt that Andy
w;s fie "instigalor" of these fights, and they described how Cathy would
come and teli them when Andy was "picking on her." They did noi
attribute the problems to Andy's adoption, since Cathy was also adopted
and she waia "very good girl." During this discussion' the team ob-
served that Cathy was smiling, while quietly kicking Andy under tablel
The parents wire rcligious and felt that they had a special responsibility
to be 'lerfect parents" to these children whom they had adopted. This
pressur; of being "perfect parents" seemed to be contributing to their
iunent upset, since they felr that Andy's behavior was a sffong indica-
tion that ihey were far from "pedect parents." Thus, they felt bad about
themselves ;nd about Andy. Their confidence seemed to be eroding ev-
ery dme Andy misbehaved, and they felt less and less able to handle him.
'During
fie second session, the team suBgested that perhaps Andy,
-his
through misbehavior, was trying to teach the parents that theydid
nol n;ed to be "pe ect parents " During this discussion, Andy smiled'
The parcnts were asked io stage a mock fight between the children, in
whicir they were io instxct Andy to start and Cathy to come and tell
them that he was picking on her. At this point, the parents were to say
to both children.
;Tlank you lbr leaching us that we don't need to be
perfect parentsl"
I rt( it t{|:.5 lh.lllli\ lir(lilv lnrrrrrlrI lrrrtrrlr,r" l'fr]1rli
zuTUAL THEMES IN FAMIL]ES AND FAMILY THERAPY
The family returned in a month. They began by rcporting that Andy
was doing much better in school, that he had made several friends. and
that the children were fightjng less. The mother said rhey had decided
against the mock fight, but that every time Andy did something that
upset her, she simply said to herself, "Thank yolr fbr teaching me that I
don't have to be a perlect parent," and then went about her business.
The father then described an arnazing dtual, planned and executed by
the childrcn, under Andy's leadenhip. The parents had come home from
their church lwo weeks earlier to find their house filled with neighbors.
The children had made snacks for everyone. On the wall as they walked
into the house was a huge sign that read, "Happy Parents' Day To Our
Imperfect Parentsl" The father got tears in his eyes and said, "I just had
no idea. I had no idea he was so creative," and both parcnts went on to
describe aspects of Andy they had been noticing that they had not noticed
before-
This therapeutic jdentity ritual was originally designed to offer a new
identity to the parents, and in so doing to interdict the escalating patterns
belueen parenr. and \on and amonEl brolher. .i.ter and prrent.. uhich
frequently culminated jn Andy's misbehaving, the parcnts' feeling increas
ingly bad about themselves as parents, and Cathy's owning the position
of "good child." Andy's own creativity and sense of humor and plav,
which became available as pattems shifted, added a depth and richness
to the ritual that continued the expansion of membels' idenities with
self and others.
Child€n born following a significant loss in a family may be expecled
to follow a parlicular identity and embody qualities of the dead relative.
Often behavior that does not fit Ihe role goes unobserved or unnoticed.
Therapeutic identity rituals may be designed in order to help differentiate
the individual from the dead relative. Such riruals. which ofteD involve
specific affirmation of qualities rhat are no, associated with the dead
relative, affect both individual and family functioning.
A similar issue frequently arises in divorced families when a parent
insists that a particular child is'Just like the other parent," usually in
negative ways. Unfinished aspects of the old marital contlict begin to
emerge between parent and child, freezing the individuals and the system
in its development. Aspects of the child that differ from this definition
go unseen. Here a therapeutic identity ritual may be designed that high
lights holh the child's uniqueness and ways that the child shares traits of
both pilrents.
Larger systems may contribute to nanow and consffaining identities,
as when schools describe children as "just like his brother" or "children
fioln .r broken homc." Relerrals fbr therapy may identify a family as a
 R]TI]AL THEMES IN FAM]]-IES AND FAMTI,Y THFRAPY
RI'II]ALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
The thempy team decided that a more symbolic and dramatic ap-
''l,onelesscir.e. An rndirrdu.rl s or famil)'' iJentil) is'ub'umed rnd proach was needed. The family was asked to come to a session and to
lolrji/ed b\ a phrd.e lhal carrie' \tilh il implicalions lbr 'ub'equenl
rn_
bring the remaining medication. The session began as the thempist gave
'"tirr' end expectationslamrlies :rre limircd in therr 'en'e ol idenrir) bv
rcrxctions out to each member index cards titled, "Old Roles." These included "hy
,"ai' -Ll pemctive girl," "busy mother of a hyperactive girl," and "distant father
ri-'ili". Ul .iigrlri/ing l"bels Physical anJ meqral illne"e' dnd
'Jiirr.
of a hyperactive girl." The family members agreed that these indeed
iiroi'r*,,,", J".tiroels lh'al liequenrl) runction to deline a per'on '
possibilities borh Jor the were their roles. The therapist asked if they felt ready to give these up,
i,i""lit"'i, ,"r." ,ri^t limit ratber than expand be use- even though it was not yet clear what might take thei place, and the
,nJ'rot ,.tn,ion'hip'. while diagno'lrc caretorie'rrtay
ind tre) members agrced that they werc more than ready to tly something new.
'iri;' 'irut
i,ri ri.' ..,rain rreatment plonning and implementdlron $hrle
e\labll\nment ln our The therapist then invited the girl to burn the index cards. She did so
hd\e becurne a required c'pecr ol lhe lherapeutic very carefully and put the fire out. The ashes werc then mixed with the
cullurc. lherapi.l. mu'l irl$a)' rcmembel lhdl label' become lo\lc when
rcmainder of the futalin and put into a Iarge envelope, which the family
,f,.i .,* ,na""r",'a lo 'aplu;e lhe es-ence ol a per'on or a lami,ly
\ligmalr/rng Iabel\ ano then buried, while the therapist witnessed their ceremony.
it identjl\ nlurl' lunclion lo remo\e
",.,n.ur,. b) Lhe vlilan leam Six weeks later the girl had to have minor surgery. The mother re-
.nJt. ni* 'a.n,i,i".io
emerge. Ihe nrual Lle'igned
ported that she was an excellent patient, both in the hospital and at home.
i" *f,i.l'r rrrlfr ur- in'rrLritea to lhro\ a\ a) lheir 'on ' melli'alion The school was Eeating her as a nolmal child and disciplining her like
"
$,hilr rellinq hrrn lh.l he wa' r nomrl boy i' un e\xmple ol cn loenlrt)
rcdelinilion-rirurl \Seltinr Palx//oli Bo'colo Ceechin & Prala
lc//'' other childrcn when necessary. Mother was looking for work outside the
and famjly-larger system home and father was more involved with both his wife and daughter.
i,"l iit operaie at an individual, tumily, The parents agreed that theh daughter was simply a nonnal child who
lcvel. "rt
sometimes did naughty thinSs (Imber Coppersmith, 1982).
Therapeutic identity definition and redefinition rituals are especially
Rr{lEF Ex.\MpLE HYPERACTJVE To NoRMAL BUT NAUGHTY' The Wel1s
-FLoM per useful for families and individuals with severe or chrcnic illness or other
i",i,iri."." i",r,"rlv pre\enrrng rheir Il-year-old
'laughrer -a"hl disabilities. In such instances, the person's whole identity may become
.^,rire. ftecirl hrd been 'o labeled loreightyear' lheliunll) consr(r qho fused with the illness or disability, such as "cancer patient" and "AIDS
rnc ol l\ o D;renlc and lhe chilLl. \ a\ relercd by her pedialncran vicdm." Other aspects of the person may become lost. In a television
hid bcen oie'noing Rirlrlin lor lhe !irl bul felt ir vr'd' lime lo e\plore movie about Down syndrcme, "Kids Like These," the boy, 11, with
;;;;;;;;' in ,r.! t,,u '.";on ir became clear rhar all inreracrion\
"i,r,,f" *ii',."f'"a ter label of 'hyperccti\e 5he \ta\peraclivil)
no( Jrsciplined
II
i.r'ri'iit a, i", .i,r,"t ,l home or 'ihool due to her h) ' The
*,,,fi.r.0.r, d l,,l ol lrme going lo ippoinlmenr' wilh her ddughler'
* t ,i. t"tire, remr,ncd di'tdnl lrorn bolh molher Jnd child
i*ii"e-iL"r \llriou. oprion' $ilh rhe Pirl \tere nor berng lried,lhe
,..,,,,.uc-se'lcd in e\periment-lhe pdrenl\ \ ele lo drop lhe laDel or
:i,",,"ruii'" l,r rhree ueek. and lo tredl heras Ihey \"'^uld rre'I d nor
rnore invol\cd
,;,it'.;;u. A, it,i. ;rn.tu,". the rdlher began ro become
fhc ocdi:rtrici"n Jgrecd Io a lrial !tilhout Rilrlin' Th( Frrcnl\ qent Corcerned lar8er sy3tcmsr

,,'',,,i'",lrr...fr*i lhe e{nerimcnlrrr'l l. ir\l li'r rh( rc:rch-

l'.'f J,,.,r"r",1"" lhi.'".\plain .lirccr xnfn'xrlr' \\lri(lr rrrt.l\t'l (\llrining
'er1 t'' lr'xl brr'l\rx\l ' l"lh'$ed
,,, ,t ,it"ri'-,r,. r"*iUtc "i t 't" "htptuctire"
"
l,' '' "lr'"*' l:lt irn'rh(r "ttc'''
rlll('l \(r) rrl\rr' \rr\i'rl rh'rr Il. r\ltrirrr'rrr
,,l",rti"r. rhr'1ill u.rs rrri*1":ir:'rirrJl rltl rln lrrln r w'r' r'errl1 t" FIGURE 2,6 Tho wells Family: Frcm Hyperactive to Normal.
"'.,.,'"i
givc np.
 RTTUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
RITUALS IN FAM]LIES AN'D FAMILY T}IERAPY

gr!e5 lectures for the girl by designjng and implementing a plan for her to ''broaden
Doun .\rrJrome. $ho appear\ frequenll) \thite hi\ molher her food repefioire." As the parents redefined their own identity as "ex-
;;".';aren'.. tlinxll\'sn)' ru he; l m sicl' and Ired ol all rhi' Doun
i' more rhan hi' perts on their daughter,' they fired the dietician when she criticized their
..r rir"r! .irir:. .-oi.*rirg hi' own ronr icrron rhat he
plan and tried to put Sandra on a differcnt plan. This was the first time
l;bel.
"ihe that the parents saw themselves as people who could challenge outside
in
L'Arche Commllnity, an inteDtional community with chapte$ authority. In the final session, a second family and therapis! dinner was
persons wjth hafldicaps and persons without
-r;;;il;
';-1;rii6i"r. involving
rwi"giogerher. utilizet'ereral riruals u hose principdl
held. DuriDg this meal ritual, a discussion of the future resulted jn the
or humcn beinE rJther family's redefinition of Sandru as a girl who would become a woman
;;; i'-,;;;" i# "iirriiciianr' 'r irn rhe iaenrrr) lg84l' and a lawyer- rather than a girl who would sooD die (Imber-Black. 1986a).
itun crn,irrinine lrbel' llmber-Copper5milh
" "of"rl The idemity definition and redefinition theme is furlher exemplilied
i,rifi *.rber rccover' lrom a 'enou\ illnesc rhe member
ln addi- in the chapten on adoption (Chapter 8), illness (Chapter 9), and families
J'i;;;,;; i;r,lv . idenrir) mav rlso need ro be re'lefined
require redefi- and political oppression (Chapter 15).
i.r,'ir,"'i^. v;. i"ir,ionship io laiger systems may also
nition.
BelieJ Expression and Negotidtion
BRIIJIJ EXAN{PLE TTIE THERAPIST COMES
I'O DINNER (CON'I']NUT]D)' IN thE
Normative rituals ftequently function 1() express beliefs and lo shape and
*;.;.;;;;r;lt a.*ris"a i, rhe membcr\hip theme 'ection abote $irh negotiate new beliefs. Religious and culiural rituals, in partjcular, allow
rhe liltle oirl who likeLl lrench lrres. bread 5nd milk ir 'xlrenl
r\sue In_
for the expression of a group's beliefs. Those rituals that rcmain alive
l';';';;;rr:';".ition in the fsmil) a' a chrld $ho nr' bom uith a
rhe lomil) rnterccr wirh man) and meaningful have space fol variations that express changing norms
-""".r;iJ rr.r,i ionditron. requirrng ihal and beliefs while affirming a connection to the past (see Davis. Chapter 7).
.,"i'"ii'i' i,". 't',",',' o'i'
,,i.1+ man) )exrs Her hean condirron'
The Passover Seder is an example of such a ritual. variations in the
, lherxp) en'ued conlnbuleo lo ner
ore.ted a \ear an.l a hcll belore Seder, among the three bmnches ofJudaism as well as in paticular fami
no'iLron a> a .hil.l in rhe lamil) f\en al-ler \rcce\\lul problem'
special -urgeD'
lies, allow fol the expression of both general and specil'ic beliefs. For
l'". i,["i"f ir't"]ti.r, rrrember (onli;ued due ro her ealing example, in a recent reform Judaism Haggadah (the book containing the
,,.a * b\ her molher. malemal Srandmolher' and dielician order of the Passover Seder), a fifth cup of wine has bccn added to the
.r\
"J.lrl"f.O
":rnore{ic.' In lhe fir.l se"ion. bolh patenls fredicled thal
\he \oulo
traditional four cups. This cup, called the "Cup of Redemption." is set
.' "'t,r"ri." and nould die in c couple ol year'' Here il ma). aside for the future, connecting those who celebrate the Passover with
ar rt . girl ' idenlitl a' a 'ick child \ ilh a conBenrral
"f'""nf,"t '
te oornltired-rt those who are still not free, thereby expressing lhe belief that the Seder
;.",i[;;;;,;;, Lr,,"ir.n"a r'' 'honen her lle had nerer been rede- per se is not simply a commemoration of a past event, but a Iiving cele-
out-
i'*a i,.ii""'"t r,"r.'rrger). l-unher' rhe lamil) s in\olvemenr.wilh lhe bration of preseDt and future as well (Bronstein, 1974). In many families,
\rLlc heloer. .onrinued. uilh ne$ helper' lacLllng eaung
including my own. following that pofijon of the Seder when the ten
']mplt hean condrlion' lhus lhe lrmrl) c oun oerlnr_
or.rblcm rorher rhin lhe plagues are recited, a time has been added for participants 1() e{press
ii,,",,i i,..ii". irrirl requiring "utsiLle help remained unchallengeJ'
as irn their beliefs about contemporary "plagues," such as racism, seism, pov-
I$o ritual, "
$ere u\ed rniliill) ro challenge lhe glrl s rdentll)
efiy, and war.
,,..",c. ,colocing rhi' qith c comm"n i'tmrl) idenlily (lrrrr( Ul Pr"ple $ho
As beliefs are expanded, altered, or challenged, new rituals may
h.vr'rirroiirer. the'e riluol' included lhe dinncr !l lh( \rullng
emerge or signif-icant aspects of existing rituals may chanSe. A vital ex-
irrrrlit *"rnners "lrtorires" cnd riirlrk(J li'\i' !v(rrrli{u'\cd ample may be seen in the Roman Catholic Mass following Vatican IL
,, i."rir,.,*J.i r, ht'rne Jinner riruJl u hr(h l"'1r{\l l'inr "rr rl(rrrcrnl'hor
"n"ft,ir '\nre\- While the Mass per se rcmained unchanged, the change fiom LaiiD to
.,,,",1i ,,.rr'.t ' di'likcd l"\l\ r\ ir prrrrrr\\rrtr fr\rru the vemacular and the change in the priest's position frcm one where
",^r,
lorlhL Ji:.u..i,,n,'l.rlh.r,lil'l(11r(ct irrlrl tlntrrrr rlx'Ir'rrr'lUrrrrrlt"rr "l
his back was to the congrcgation to one where the piest faces the con
ii,i.t'.iirit"J rr,,,.r to s(nnorlrirts nxnc I)nhrnl)lr Ilrrrrrr)rh rlx i('irrr oili)rrs
lnllr'' rrr('rrr''r(J gregalion cxcmplifics a change of belief regarding the parlicipalion of
,"',,",';l' rlrr.rrrrril tr'lr'rrli'r'rr"rrr"r'l' lhc lrity liorn passive rc active.
,r'r,,',,rj,], '".rr,r'.^.
i'i ,'"1r,",r r".."rli'lrr'l' rln ' " ' ' "
l
r r r r r r r r rr rr!"'rl.rrl'i'r''
74 RITUAIS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
Certain cultures have riluals that are designed to negotiate beliefs be-
tween parties who cannot come to agreement. A colleague, John Rolland,
related such a ritual to me that clients had imparted to him. In an Aftican
tribe, the covers of cooking pots are used to negotiate conflicting beliefs
between a wife and husband. On occasions when a wife is angry wirh
her husband over differences between them, she will replace the usual
cover on the cooking pot with one upon which pictures have been en-
graved that express proverbs applicable to their conflict. The wjfe will
have a variety of such covers given to her by her mother when she mar-
des. When the husband sees the new cover, he understands the meaning
of the parlicular proverb and the issue being mised by his wife. At this
juncture, the husband has two choices. He can affiIm his wife's posilion
and apologize, or he can tum down her position by replacing the cover
his wife has placed with one of his own ftom a collection given to him
by his falher at his wedding. If the available covers are not sufficient to
se1t1e the differences or if they do not quite fit the situation, then the
couple may go to a specialist, a sculptor of new covers, and have one
made to order to addrcss the differences! In our own culture, many cou-
ples and families tum to therapists when they have run out of "available
pot covers" to deal with their conflicting beliefs.
BELIEF EXPRESSION AND NEGOTIATION RITUAIS AND TI{E THERAPEUTIC PROCESS,
Therapeutic belief expression and negotiation dtuals are especially use-
ful when clients present conflicting beliefs about a particular issue. They
may be manifesting such conflicting beliels through behavior, as when
one parent disciplines a child and the other parent protects a child, or the
conflict may be largely verbal, as when one member of a couple ex-
presses a wish to separate while the other exprcsses a wish to remain
together. Often family members ascribe badness or blzme to certain be-
liefs of members and goodness or conectness to other beliefs, usually
their own. Therapeutic belief expression and negotiation dtuals provide
an oppo unity for family membeN to hear and experience each other's
positions without blame, thereby creating a new conlext for relationships.
One example of the belief expression and negotiation theme may be
seen in the Milan team's rjtual "odd days and even days" (Selvini Palaz-
zoli, Boscolo, Ceechin, & Prata, 1978). In dris ritual, the Milan team used
time to draw a distinction between one parenCs approrch to a child's
behavior and the other parent's approach to the srrmo hohlvior, in fami-
lies where it appeared that the parents worr undcrlllining c ch other
while sending conflicling messagcs 1() thc child. l[ Nnah symmeffical
conuicts, each parent's way 01'hrndling lho .hll(l wls givon implicit
RITUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY IHERAPY 75
credence by a ritual that gave each parent an equal number of days to
"be in charge," lvhile the other parent was to observe.
BRIEF EXAMPLE-TIIE THERAPIST coMEs ro DINNER (CoNTINUED). In the case
of the Wharton family, in which Sandm ate ftench fries, bread, and milk,
the mother believed that Sandm had a "big" problem, while the father
believed she had a "smal]" problem. These beliefs were expressed in
action by the mother's remaining at the dinner table every night, uging
Sandm to eat, while the father left to watch television. An early inteflen-
tion utilized was the "odd days-even days" ritual. When the family re-
tumed, they reported that "Sandra ate better on the nights when Dad was
in charge." The mother stated that she believed this was because it was
so different to have him involved and that she was glad for his involve-
ment. This dtual ultimately led to negotiations between the parents re-
garding the whole issue of parcnting, resulting in the emergence of a
new belief that two parents working togethe. were needed to solve the
problem.
Variations on this ritual ma) be creared ro expre(( and negotiate be-
Iiels in man) circumctancec. Urilizing time and acrion a( ley !ariables.
family members may be asked to behave and believe accordiflg to one
set of beliefs for a particular time pedod and another set of beliefs for a
different time period. This process intenupts endless symmefiical strug-
gles, allows members to listen to each other, promotes empathy, and
communicates fte therapist's belief that there is medt in both positions.
BRrEF EXAMPLE ENABLTNG a NEw coN\,aERsATroN. A couple, Mr. and Ms.
CollinB, came to therapy regarding a single issue. For four yeais they
had been split regarding whether or not to have a third child. The couple,
in their late thirties, had two children, ages seven and rline. Ms. Colling
wanted another child, while Mr. Colling did not. The spouses were very
committed to each other and felt that most areas of their mariage and
family Iife were sound.
They described the following pattem: Every few months, Ms. Colling
would raise the issue of having another child. She would present all of
the reasons why this was a good idea and what it meant to her. Mr.
Colling would respond with all of the reasons why having another child
was not a good idea and why he did not want another child. Ms. Colling
would then present answers to all of his objections. Each would become
I Naot to expres my appEcialion lo Karl Tomn. M.D., sidi whom I worked in collabondon on
vliiations of the Odd Doys Eren Drys" n$al
76 RITUAIS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY TIIER{PY
more adamant and defensive as the conversation continued. Mr. Colling
would then withdraw and there would be distance and quiet anger be-
tween them that would last for several weeks. Each felt unheard by the
other on this crucial issue.
At the end of the first session. I asked them to have two conveNations
at home. Dudng one convenation they were each to discuss all of the
reasons why it would be a good idea ro have another child. Mr. Colling
was asked to suspend his usual position and to fully enter on his wife's
side of the issue- During the other conversation, they were each to dis-
cuss all of the reasons why it would be best to not have another child.
Ms. Colling was asked to suspend her usual position and to fully join
her husband's side of the issue. They were asked to choose a particular
time and place for fhese convemations, in order to highljght them as
special and unique. Such utilization of time as an element in belief ex-
pression and negotiation dtuals provides safety for the padcipants to
explore new territory, knowing such exploration will be for a limited
time.
When they rctumed, each expressed that they felt understood by the
other in a way that they had not previously felt. Ms. Colling said she
was extremely moved by what her husband had expressed regarding hav-
Mi. Colli^e "w@tt a 3d child"
FICItRU2T TheCollhS lhnrily:lrrrhllnl r Nfw (\rV(r'
RITUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THER{PY 71
ing another child and what his children and family meant to him. She
said she felt closer to him than she had in a Iong while. Mr. Colling
expressed surprise at how €learly his wife understood hjs present career
issDes, which he felt she had dismissed in their previous discussions of
the issue. Ms. Colling had also been able 10 express her own concems
about her aging and ill mother, a subject she had not previously raised
for fear it would be used by her husband as another reason not to have
a third child. They were able to begin to examine this very important
issue for the first time. While tbey had not reached a mutual decision
regading a third child, both husband and wife saw new qualities in the
other, parlicularly empathy and sensitivity, that were hidden by the pre-
vious pattem. The usual end to their discussion of the issue, distance and
anger, was rcplaced by a sense of connection. This conversation ritual
allowed each to present his or her own views without defensiveness, to
hear the other's views without distancing, ard to feel understood.
Variations on such a conversation ritual may be developed for situa-
tions where competing beliefs are deadlocked, whether between spouses,
other family members, a family and outside helpe$, or within an individ-
ual. Specilic action' ma) al\o be pan of lhe rilual. For inslanie. a sinBle
parent mother exprcssed her feeling of being caught between a school
system that was pushinB her to hospitalize her school-refusing adolescent
son and a family therapy prcgram which was counseling her to "go
slow." The school's belief was ftat he was a psychiatric patient, while
the family therapist's belief was that his behavior was related to family
issues. Unable to choose between the competing beliefs, she felt para-
lyzed and less and less capable. She was asked to divide up the week.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, she was to behave and believe
as if hospitalization were the best course of action. This was to involve
her calling people, getting infomation about the hospital, and relating to
her son as a patient. On Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, she was to
take the position that no more treatment was needed. On these days she
was to review all of the treatrnent failures, which r\,ere considerable, to
cease convemations with those urging hospitalization, and to relate to her
son as a nornal boy who needed some time to think. She did the d1ual
as insEucted and decided not to hospitalize her son. (See Imber-Black,
1985, for a complete case description.) Perhaps even more important
than the content of the mother's irffnediate decision was the reemer-
gence of her ability to be active in a family-larger system configuration
in which she previously felt paralyzed and unable to express her own
beliefs.
When people become locked into seeing only their own belief as cor-
rect and other beliefs as wrong or blameful, humor usually disappears.
78 RITI]ALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY IHERAPY RITUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY 19

Belief expression and negotiation dtuals often ulilize humor in order to parent lamily and helpers all believe "single-parent families cannot func-
inlervene iD rigidities and facilitate problem-solving. tion well." Such rituals may follow family-multiple helper consultations,
or may emerge when a therapist discovers that a family is currently seeing
BRrEr ExaMpLE "MourHy" aND "EvrL," A young couple, Mavis and Ken multiple helpers or has seen many helpers in a serial fashion.
Sutter, came for couples thempy. Marded for fou. years, they felt unable
to discuss differcnces of opinion without getting into heated, prctracted, BRIEF EXAMPLE-A THrRD OprNrON. A Single-parent family, MS. MOnterO
and unfinished arguments. Regardless of topic, the process between them and her two children, Ida, 11 alld Joseph, 8. werc seeing multiple helpem
would deteriorate to name-calling. Mavis's most common word for Ken due to problems identified in Joseph, such as temper tantums and refusal
was eril, while Ken refered to Mavis as /,?orrr]. Once these terms were
to listen to adults. The helpen included a family thenpist, a pediatrician,
hauled out by either, their fights deteriomted fwther. They stated that a psychologist who tested Joseph, and a Big Brother for Joseph.
they thought they argued about ten percent of the time, that their mar- The psychological testing of Joseph resulted in a very pessimistic re-
riage was satisfying in many ways, and that they both felt concemed that po which stated that Joseph would likely need residential treament.
the fights could destroy a positive relationship. Markedly different beliefs among the helpels towards Ms. Montero were
I asked them to go on a shopping tdp together to a nearby mall. There visible in the dissemination of the rcport, as the psychologist refused to
lhe] \ ere lo go to lhe slore lhat made f-.hin\ qirh \ ord' and picrures show her the results directly, stating that, "she would nof be able to handle
on them.' Togelher. the) were to pick out a .hin rhar .) mboli,,ed mor y seeing the report," while the pediatrician did show her the \uiteup. At
and a shirt that symbolized evil. They both began laughing. I asked them
this juncture, conflicting beliefs rcgarding Joseph's luture emerged both
if they would agee that during the next fight, mther fhan calling names, among the helpers and jn Ms. Montero's extended family, various mem-
they would put on their shi(s and continue the fight. They aFeed.
bers of which insisted that Joseph go for a "second opinion."
At the next session, Mavis and Ken entered carrying a bag in which In a coNultation, Ms. Montero expressed great confusion rcga-rding
they had brought their shirts to show me. Together they had picked a the advice she was receivinB from the various helpers. She said she felt
shirt for Ken that had a huge viper on it, symbolizing eril, and a shirt
for Mavis that had giant red lips on it, symbolizing mouthJ. They had
used the shirts in two fights. In the fint, they had handed the shits to
each other,just short of their usual name-calling. In the second, each had
Bone and rctrieved his or her own shirt and put it on! They described
laughing and then settling the issue in a new way. Name-calling had
ceased. and each felt better about the other.
Belief expression and negotiatjon rituals may be particularly useful
for families involved with multiple helpers from several larger systems,
each with its own beliefs about the nature of a problem and the appro-
priate treatment. In such circumstances it is not unusual for an individual
or family to deteriomte in its own capacity to solve problems or to ex-
press paralyzing confusion rcgarding a couNe of action. Simultaneously,
the multiple helpers may become locked in a struggle with each other
regading the "correct" belief. Here dtuals may be designed 10 clarify
and draw distinctions among the beliefs of various helpols, while reem-
powering the client to make decisions and to take ltoti()ll, l ho rituals may
function to challenge ri8id beliels about a llmily, suoh trs whcu a single-

' I wnr m cxprus my rpprtcir(n ro RichtrftlWhitlrt iil hll l [rrlllll lrrLN lLn wll['l-shin_
FICI'RIi 2 8 Thc Montero Family: A Third Opinion
80 RITUALS IN I,AMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
comlelled to follow her family's suggestion regarding a ,.second opin-
ion," although she rcally did not want to put Joseph through more iest,
ing. She also infomed the consultant that, in fact, Joseph haal been
improving, both at home and at school, but that therc htd been little
oppofiunity to discuss this with any of the helpers.
Ms. Montero was asked by the consultant to collect information about
her childrcn and hemelf, the transitions and changes they had undergone
and to consfuct a wdtten "third opinion" to be used to guide her work
with helpers and her interactions with her family of odgin. This docu-
ment ritual was designed to reempower Ms. Montero as the expefl on
her family, to inform all of the helperc about noted changes in Joseph,
and to place Joseph's behavior in the context ofhis lanity (Imber-Blaak,
ts88i
Other belief expression and negotiation druals will be illus[ated in
the chapters on couples' issues (Chapter 4), the Bar Mitzvah (Chapter 7),
rcmanied families (Chapter 12), and women's issues (Chaprer 14).
Celebrution
The theme of celebmtion attends to many nomative rituals. While the
telm "celebmtion" generally conjures up festivities, it also may refer to
more solemn and sacred rituals. Thtrs, all of the rituals attendant to life
cycle transitions, such as weddings, birth of children, adolescent rites of
passage, and funerals, involve celebration as one theme. The celebration
theme is also attendanl upon religious and cultural holidays and many
family traditions. such as bithdays and anniversaries. The celebration
theme involves that aspect of dtuals connected to affiming, honoring,
commemorating, and demarcating rcgDlar time from special time. Rituals
of celebralion frequently involve ethnic expression, special food and
drinks reserved for certain celebrations, unique music, gifts, and particu-
lar clothinB. The celebration aspect of dtuals is often the most visible
and dramatic marker of individDal, family and community definition and
change, although the celebration, per se, is usually only the culmination
of a much longer process.
Riruals involving celebration often have familiar and cxpected as-
pects, existing both in the culturc at large and in onc's pulicular family.
These expected and familiar processes function ts Abhrcvilltc(l mclaphors
for family and cultural rules and roles. As su(h, llt(ry nty cxplcss the
warmth, comfort, suppon, and huntitn co nodr(lllcRr ltvlil hlc in cele-
bralions. They may fi)r lhc cxpllsnirnl (rl kay rltltlt tl itn(l lrnily
^lbw thoy tn{ty poignlutlly [ r]lll(,r.n s(rrsc olloss,
development. Conversely,
such as during holidLty cclcbtltti()nr l()llt)wl t l ln tll, |lrDthcr's dcalh,
or sign lcutollls thlt)Ugh lltck ol lltvllllll0l 0t trllt tl t0 l)l[.ticipalc in.r
RITUAL THEMES ]N FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY 8I
celebmtion, or silendy express relational stagnation and hypocrisy, as
when the folm of the celebration remains unchanged despite yital, though
often unspoken, relationship changes.
CELEBRAIToN RTTLIALS AND THE TI{ERAPEUTTC pRocEss. Similar to the mem-
be$hip theme, the celebration theme is readily available for conversa-
tions between thempists and families. As one gathers genogmm and life
cycle issues from a family, discussion ofpafiicular life cycle celebrations
can begin io inform both therapist and fanily about pafticipation, decision-
making, relationship connections and cutoffs. For instance, one couple
who were plarning to many, but whose plans were put off due to a high
level of conflict, responded lo a question about their potential guest list
by telling me that the man's grown daughten would not be invited and
thai the woman's mother would be invited "out of sheer politeness." This
information led to a broader discussion of family-of-origin issues and the
ways in which the couple's cuffent conflicts could be viewed as exisling
in this wider context, of which the couple had not been aware.
Discussion of specific holiday celebrations, such as Thanksgiving or
Christmas, can be rclevant grist for the therapeutic mill, both infoming
about conflicts and leading to new ituals capable of transforming rela
tionships. Such discussion easily bdngs family-of odgin issues into the
open. During my graduate student days, I sold Christrnas trees one winter
and listened to eDdless variations oi "We have to have a scotch pine,
dear, because that's what my family always had," answered by, "Scotch
pines are nice. honey, but we have to have a douglas fir, because that's
what my family always had!" Clearly, such arguments over apprcpriate
symbols of the celebration are fraught with issues of loyalty, power, and
"colrect" beliefs, and can be usefully examined and reworked in therapy.
Ethnjcally and religiously intermarded couples face panicular chal-
lenges during celebration rituals. In therapy, religiously inlemaried cou-
ples may describe how they get along well until December, when they
are laced with issues of ditTerence, or how they could "ignore" the issue
until children were born. Some families attempt to rcsolve ihe struggle
by optinS out of celebrations allogether, but find they must then deal
wilh a sense of emptiness and cutoffs. Celebration dtuals in ethnically
inlermaried couples may highlight differences that are not usually dis-
cussed. Here the therapist can effectively assist the partners in a key
developmental task ofbeing able to affiIm their differences through cele-
bration rituals that respect the heritage of each and facilitate the creation
of new ituals, symbolic of their unique family system.
Therapeutic celebration rituals may be designed with couples to mark
a new beginniig lo their marriage, such as witb the Korner family. Gay
couplcs, lor whorn legal mariage is not possible, may wish lo design n
82 RTUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY RITUAI, THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY 8C

celebration dtual that publicly proclaims their rclatiol1ship. The celebm- to the thempist that each had gdeved the loss of Michael alone. Mother
tion theme may attend to therapeutic dtuals to mark particular achieve- went to church to grieve, father went to the cemetery frequently, and
ments, normative or idiosyncratic life cycle transitions, or may be used Alan, who became intensely depressed after his brother's death, went to
to reframe as a cause for celebration that which a family has previously individual therapy! Mrs. Franco remarked that her previous encounters
hidden, such as the couple ihat had not celebmred their annivenary for with thempists had made her feel like a bad mother. Sensitive to each
nearly 50 years. Since therapy is often about painful issues, the therapist other's grief, they did not discuss the subject ofMichael's death together.
must take care to watch for moments when celebmtion dtuals are appro- Rather, the family became distmcted by Alan's increasirgly bizarre be-
pdate and not Ieave celebration outside the therapy rcom. Since a thera- havior, which seemed to function to posq)one mouming and to obviate
peutic celebration ritual often punctuates a key tuming point for an individual and family development.
individual, couple or family, and may be likely to become a parl of fami- In eady sessions, regardless of topic, Alan would insist, "The story
Iy's ongoing tradition, such as the Komer family's gold glasses used for of Michael! The storl, of Michael! We have to discuss the story of
subsequent family celebrations, these rituals tend to rcly heavily on fam- Michaell" Gradually, many painful aspects regarding Michael's death
ily input for their design and implementation. were discussed, including the cutoff from Michael's wife and child, who
was now a teenager, Then, in a session focused on current family rcIa-
CELEBRATToN aND Loss. A discussion of holiday celebrations with fami- tionships, Alan insisted, "Christmas! Wlat about Christmas? We have to
lies in therapy may reveal issues of loss. The loss of members through talk about Chdstmas!" What emerged was a description of a very bleak
death or through sepamtion and divorce is often experienced acutely at
times of celebmtion. Families' attempts to deal with such losses at times
of celebmtion may inadvertently prevent both an affirmation of the loss
and an opportunity to experience the support and connection available
in celebration. Thirs, some families establish an unspoken rule to not
acknowledge the loss or, as one mother described, "to pretend that we're
happy." Here, pandoxically, the sense of loss and bereavement often floods
and overcomes any sense of celebration. Other individuals or families
place a momtorium on celebration and exist in a pemanent state of gdef.
Family memben may be out of sync with one another regarding a sense di.d 15 t@ aqo at qse 20
of resolution of a loss, rcsulting in celebrations that are ftaught with ten-
sion. In all of these situations, a well-designed therapeutic .itual incorpo-
mting both loss and celebration may open the family to new possibilities.

BRrEF EXAMPLE "WHAT ABOUr CHRTSTMAS?" A family, Consisting Of Mr.

altd Mrs. Franco, 58 and 57, and their son, Alan, 33, came to the crisis
unit of a community hospital in early December. Alan lived at home and
did not work or go out of fhe house. He had a Iong history of seeing thera-
pists with no chanEle in his behavior. Over the previous week, A]an's
negative behavior towards his mother had been increasing, resulting in
the family's coming to the hospital.
As the therapist gathered the genogram, thc prrcnls rol lcd thal they
had had another son, Michael, who dicd suddcnly l5 yo rs carlier of
virulent cancer. Two years oldc, th n Allln, l\4ich rl wns n stilr student
and athlele. He had manicd in l)cccrnhcr, iurt h(,i(nc ('hrislmas, and
died in Fchnnry, lcaviD8 n prlgnlrnl wih,'l'h(, lirrrrily rrcrrhcl1\ related FICURE 2.9 The Franco Family: "What Abour Christmas?"
8.1 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
Christmas, fol while the family decorated the house and Mrs. Franco
made a special dinner, the specter of Michael's death pemeated the holi
day, but was not discussed. Alan always dismpted dre dinner and would
act up in ways that made rhe parents feel that they could not have com-
pany over, nor could they leave to visit others. During ihe discussion of
decorations, Mru. Franco described childhood decorations that Michael
had made and that she always put up. Then she said, "They really aren't
made well, and if he were alive, I think I would have stopped putting
them up yeam ago. I don't think I'm going to put them out this year."
This was the first indication that this Christmas might somehow be dif
ferent and might be a vehicle for expressing that the family was not
stuck 15 yea$ in the past.
The therapist then discussed with the family the possibility of a ritual
that would allow for the joint discussion of Michael ard their celebm-
tion of Christmas. She asked if each would be willing to bring a symbol
of Michael to the next session, which was scheduled thrce days before
Christmas. They agreed. During the next session, the therapist asked
each to bdng out his or her symbols. Father brought a ring beloflging to
Michael, Mother brought a poem, and Alan brought a photogmph. She
asked them to exchange their symbols with one another, thus connecting
ihem in their prcviously solitary grief. She then asked each to relate a
favorite memory of Michael. Alan, who was often tangential and dis-
tracting, sat quietly arrd altentively while his parents talked. Discussion
of favodte memories led 10 a spontaneous sharing of formerly hidden
guilt of each member rcgarding Michael's death. The family members
cied together for the fimt time. Mrs. Fmnco hugged the therapist with
appreciation.
Following this very moving ritual, the family began to discuss ChisF
mas. A1a[ agreed that he would not disrupt the holiday and that he would
not tyto stop his parents from going visiting, as he had for many years.
He then beBan to discuss his own future.l
This ritual, combining the human needs for healing and celebration,
offercd the family a way to share its profound loss of a son and a brother
together and openly, enabling the possibility of reconnection and cele-
bration at Christmas for the fi.st time in 15 years. The case illustrates
more generally the ofte[ hidden, but exquisite, interplay belween loss
and celebration and demonstrates that celebration ritLrals may become
viable for some families when losses can be all'irnrcd,
' I unt to exprcss m] +prccidior ro Dontrr woLl, lhun| rl, rrrl llll{r I wlnr, nr|uvi$,
w.rked in c.lldh.htb, wirh .tr this cn\c.
'hr
RITIIAI, THF,MF,S TN FAMII,IES AND FAMTI,Y'IHERAPY 85
CELEBRATToN AND crFrs Many normative celebration rituals involve the
Bivin8 of gifts. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays such as Christmas,
Hanukkah, or Valentine's Day all involve gift-giving. Many families de-
velop their own traditions for such gift exchanges ihat heighten elements
of suryrise or creativity. Often, the prccess of such gift-giving alters as
childrcn grow, serving as a melaphor for developmental change. In other
families, the gift-giving aspect of celebration serves, mther, as a symbol
for disappointrnent and resentment, as, for example, the wife whose hus-
band gave her an intercom set for Christmas so "she could hear better
whel the childrcn needed her," or the couple who told me sadly that
their gifts to each other were never appreciated, as he always retumed
what she gave him, and she always lefl whatever he gave her to hang in
the closet, unseen alld unwom. Discussion of gifts wiih families in ther-
apy near appropriate holidays can be a useful thempeutic topic, rcvealing
family rules regarding giving and receiving, and often opening pre-
viously taboo areas for discussion,
IIr our work with families, we have found that gifts may be an impor-
tant element in therapeutic celebration rituals. In pafticular, a itual that
we have used repeatedly called "the giying of gifts" has proven to be
effective to reframe precipitous or angry leavings, such as when a child
leaves to go live with another parent, or to ease difficult transitions, such
as when a young adult child with handicaps leaves home to live in a
group home. For this ritual, family members are asked to bring gifts to
the next session. Each member is asked to bdng a gift for the member
who is leaving. The member who is leaving is asked to bring a gift for
each other member. Family members are told not to buy the gifts, but 10
either make something or bring something of their own that they wish
to give. The ritual is conducted wilh the suggestion by the therapist that
t}le gifts be exchanged with litde conveNarion, except for any explana
tion of the Bift, per se, that might be necessary. This is done to interdict
usual pattems, especially where anger has been high, and to provide a
tone of rcceptivity for the family.
BRIEF EXAMpLE "THE GlvrNG OF GrFrS." In a recenl CaSe Utilizing this it-
ual with a family whose daughter was leaving home to go to a group
home, and in which the parents were very worried about her well-being,
the father gave the young woman his favorite frying pan, which she
always wanted to use but had not been allowed to, and the rnother gave
her perfume, which she had also not been allowed to use, and earrings
who
belonging to the mother's mother. In short, the gif}s from the parents
were signals of pennission to grow up and leave home, while still main-
IJ6 RITUAIS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THEPdPY
taining an importalt connection to the family. The daughter, in turn,
gave her father a photograph taken ofher at the grcup home, surounaled
by young men and women, and gave her mother her favorite stuffed
animal, which she had slept with since childhood, signaling in her own
way that she was, indeed, growing up (Imber-Black, 1988).
CELEBRATION RITUAIS TO END THERAPY, CEICbTAtiON ritUAIS InAV bC USEfU]
to mark lhe end of rherap) or lhe end of a famjly c prolrdclid relalio0-
ships with larger systems in general. Such dtuals may be cocreated by
the therapist and family, and./or may involve actions of the therapist in
some kind of surprise.
BRIEF EXAMPLE THE THERAPIST COME.S TO DINNER (CONCLUSION), IN thc
work with the Wharton family, a second in-session dinner was held as a
marker of the changes that had occured in San&a and in the familv. In
keeping uiLh the lheme of 'fa\orites u\ed $roughout r]le therapl. rhe
family ageed that each would bdng a "favodte" item for this celebration
dinner, thercby communicating in action the now more symmetdcal na-
lure of relalionshipc in rhe tamill. replacing rhe pre\ ious e\calating com-
plemenrariry. Following rhe meal. I brcughl out two irems tor the fanill a
potato (Sandra's all-time favorite) and a kiwi fruit (Sandra's nemesis.
pushed on her by a dierjcianr-represenring Lhe rhemes of Iil,e( and di\-
Iikes, favorite and disfavore.d items, and the capacity to state preferences
directly. The potato and the kiwi fruit brought laughter fromthe family
members, and father joked that these were two things that Sandra lovedl
Linking the potato and the kiwi fruit to a variety of normal family devel-
opmental issues, I then told the family members that I wanted them to
freeze these items with the understanding that, in the futue, when any
memb-er of the family felt a family discussion was needed, the thawing
out of the potato and the kiwi fruit would signal the call for such ;
meeting. The family thanled me and left therapy with both a celebmtion
and the .,mbols of rhe uorl in their possession.
CONCLUSIONS
The five ritual themes discussed in this chapter, including ,rrmrz,.sft,p,
healin?, ide tit! dertnition, belief erpression and negoticuion arul ceie-
bration, rre key aspects of normative rituals and as such p()virle direc-
tion for the therapist both for the discussio[ ol'ritullr with l1u)]ilies and
for the design of thempeutic rituals. Th()ullhout n givc tllcrnpy, one or
morc of these themes may bc atddrossc(|, I'ho lhc l$ nlty llso interact
in any particular ritunl. Fi,lally, whilc nx tllcfltl)lNli wr. xt] llltvo a (heme
RITUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMTLY TIIERAPY 87
we are seeking to addrcss in our work with a family, the family, through
its own unique implementation of a ritual, will ultimately detemine the
theme's meanings.
REFERENCES
Bronsrein,ll. (Ed.) (r9r4). A PasDwt Eassadah: The Ne|| Uni,n sasgala, (Re!. Ed.). New
\orl.: flr. Le.r al Lonleren.! o' Ane'.t R.Dbts
lmbeFBlack. E. (1985). Wonen. ramilies md ldxer systens.In M. Ault Ri.he (Ed). wa ?,,,1
lanilr theron (pp.2s-33). Rackviue, MD: Aspen Sysrems Publhhen.
Imbe, Blacl, E. (1986a). Towad a Esource model in sy enic family lheEpy. In M A, Karpel
\'-tt-). Fdnil| rTaurces: The hi.lden ?a het ih ldnib thera\ (pp. 148 174) New YorL
Inber Bracr., E. ( r986b) Odysseys of ! r.amer. ln D. Elron (En.), Jounels: hpansioas af ttategit
antl sJstenic rherapies l.pp.3 29). New York Brun.er/Mazel
Inber-Blact. E. (1983).IdiosyncEtic life cycle trassitions rnd thenpeDdc ntuah. rn E. A. Caner &
M. Mccoldrick (Erls.), ft? .lldnsias fMilr tlb ctcle lpp. 119-163). New York Cardner
lmbeFcoppersmirh, E. (1932). Frcm hyperactive to nomrl but nrlghtyr A nu]tisysten pdneEhip
in detab.tiag. Ihtemarianal ,launat .t Fahili Ps\.hiatr|, 3(.2). 131 141.
ImbeFcoppesnilh, E. (198.1), A special "lanily *ith handicapped menbe^r One lamily them-
pist,s leamings rrom &c L'Arche connunity. In E. ItubetsCoppesmilh (Ed ), Fa,ili.s
a han.licapped henbet I,W. 150 159). Rockville, MD: Aspen Srstens Publishe$.
Sellini Palazzoli. M., Boscolo, L., Cecchin, G. & Prata. C. (197?).Ianily dtuals: A po*errul rool
in rAn ,')
'llapr ranil. P \'. 16'1-.lt< 45)
Selvini Palazzoli, M., Boscolo, L., Cecchl., G.. & Prala, C. (1978). A ritualized piescriPti.n in
lamily rherapy: Odd days and e\en da!s. Journdl al Matriase and Fanilr C.m\eti e. 41.3),
3-9.
Van Cennep, A. (1960). TAu /ir,s,Jpasasc. Chicagor Unilesil, of Chicago PEss.
walsh. F. {1983). The linins of syiplons Md critical evenh in the famil} life cycle. h E. A.
Liddle lE .), Clian:at ihpticatiD"t ol th. lahib life crde l.pp, 120 133). Rockville, MDI
Aspen Systens Publicalions
 8q
GUIDELINES TO DESTGNING THERAPEUTIC RITUALS

xr3 The suidelines oftered here are intended to offer clarit) and direcdon
,nJio a_"rt"ilr lhe process of de'ignjng therapeutjc ritualc Tfuee ma_
jor categories will be described in detail:

(1) desicn elements common to all rituals;

(2) ritui techniques and symbolic actionsi and
Gui,delines to Designing (3) other design consideralions.

An outline of lhe organizatron oF thii chapler aPpears in Table l l

lt
Therapeutic Rituals mav serve as a checklist of thing' lo be considered as ]ou \enture rnlo
the ueatrve process of designing therapeutic dtuals

DESIGN ELEMENTS
Process' con-
ln 197? the Milan team, in an article published in Family
RICHARD A. WHITING tf',ut "tfr" nt"tu.otion of a dtual always requires a
grca1 effoft on

Lf," or" of Lf," therapisls. Fir.l an effon of ob'ervatjon

"tui"O and then a cre-
,,i"J.iion':rS.f"ini'pulaTzoli. Boscolo. Ceechin & Prara l9TT p' 453)'
i i. [.. Lt " Do.ilion of observalion and data colleclion that the lhemes
diFferenl lheorei-
fo, u tituul .merge. Allhough lherapicl( have
"oJi""r.t
ical orienrations and models. the idea( for the rilual shoutd lil wilh Lhe
eUEsTIoNs RANGING FRoM "How did you design that dtual?" to "Why by the family' couple'
did you decide to do an in-session ritual as opposed to an out-of-session .."tgi.; i..t"" p-blems
-a that are presented

ritual?" have been asked of my colleagues and myself over the last sev-
eml yeam during ow workshop presentations on therapeutic rituals. Such TABLE 3,1
questions have helped us to think more deliberately about what is actu-
Design Ingredients
ally involved in the design process and have highlighted the fact that, III
with the exception of van der Hart (1983), no one has published valuable Category I Category lI Categdy
Rilual Techniques Other Design
suggestions rclated to the design of therapeutic rituals. This chapter, and Symbolic Adions
which reflects years of discussions, presentations, and live team therapy
with Evan Imber-Black and Janine Roberts, will offer gridelines much
more specific than Selvini Palazzoli's suggestion that it takes "flashes of
genius" (1974, p. 239) and wjll expand upon van der Hart's pioneering C. Ciling and ReeiYing
recommendations. B Open and closed kPecls L Between fmilY nenbetr
The rcflective process, which has been necessary in reviewing and 3. Between tte thdaPisl c. Via playlul &rions
updating this chapter, has been meaningful and exciting. With the addi- thedpisi C. Combining Thenes nd
2. Position of
tion of seveml more years of clinical, supervisory, and teaching experi- 3. Out ol+esion rnuals D, tutualizing lhe Gane/
,1, Alternoting iNe$ion !@scnbing rhe synplom
ences, it is clear to me that the oriBinal guidelines for designing therapeutic
ind ouGof-essio. rituals
rituals are still very sould, appropriate, and have survivcd the test of 1 To enhmce ennnnent
time. With that in mjnd, much of the chapter remains thc snn10, however, 2. To alei partems of
two new case examples, which demonstrate thc rhilily ol dln ls lo "speak
the unspealable" have been added.
 90 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FA}4ILY THEIi]1IY
orindividual. To a\sisl in rhe creari\e de\ign. rhe lollouing elemenls
offered
Smbols
As_van d€r Harl r l98Jr ds\efled. s) mbol( and symbolic acljon\ are lhe
building block. ot riruals. A\ a desrgn elemenl. \ymbols lorm rhe foun.
datjon ol lhe de\ign procesc. lt is imponant lo nore that slmbol( are
meanl ro include eirher rhe objecu or wirds which repre"ent rhe pos<ibil-
ir) of alrering beliefs. relarionships. or lhe meaning of events. Because
symbols play such a significant role in the design -process, it is cdtical
that they connect and fit with the individual, couple, or famiiy. The selec_
tion of the appropdate symbols is qpically achieved in one of-three ways:
(r) jcit client larguage.
expl
(2\ thempist choice based upon themes and issues. or
(3)
cLrENr LANGUAGE. Imber-Black (1986) described a case in which the
moth€r.poke of having lo lreal her daughrer wilh ..(id
BIo\e,... The
daugher. uho \ as liring 61 1ror". had bein recentll dischirged ftom a
ps)chiaric ho\pirat aher leavinB co[e8e durinB hei treshmai'
1ear. AJ-
though rhe molher believed she needed ro pro\ i-de some srucru;e for her
daughler and ro pu\h her ro move on wirh her life, Lhe idea ol rreadng
her daughter_with ldd gloves prevented such direction. Using motberi
langnage, Imber-Black advised mother and daughter to buy a;air of kid
gloves and to freeze them. The next time the m;ther was aware
of treat_
ing her daughter with kid gloves, she was to remove them from the
freezer, let them thaw, alld tleat her daughter based upon her instincts.
In this case, the choice of kid gloves obviously came fr;m mother,s own
use of language.
rrir FAptsr LIRL. vr While clienl, can direclly gi\e lherapi(r< lhe ao-
propriale^\ymbols ro use. occajlonall) Lhe rneiapi.r provicies Lhe .ym.
bol(. ln Chapler 8. I de.cribe a rirual \ hich involved theme. relarei ro
membershi_p and adoption even though they were not seen as explicit
goblems by the family. In that case, I wroie a letter which the parents
agrced to copy, sign, and post in a rcom in their homc. Thc svrrbols
\rere the uordc and phriser in rhe le er. \^hich I hclicvc.l rrcctlci to be
seen and heard b1 members ot the fiunily tr) lircilitntc n \hiti in beliefs
tnd relation\hipc. DependiDU upon thc (,Utc(,ltc ,)l U\i|l8 \y tbol, pre.
<cribed by r rhcrrpi\1. thc choiuc ol'u,,rllnujnI. rrrrrlityirrg. ,,i,.,,mpleiely
GINDEI-INES TO DESIGNING THERAPELTTIC RIIUALS 9I
are changing the symbols becomes a therapeutic decision between clients
and therapist.
cLrENr cHorcE. A third possibility for the selection of appropriate sym-
bols can rest solely with the clieots. Very rccently I saw a graduate stu-
dent who sought help for his ddnking. Although he defined his behavior
a: le<s oroblemaric lhan during hi. undergraduate dayi fi\e ]ear- ago.
he had 6een in a cal accident and ane\red lor dri\ing uhile inloxrcated
during his Christmas vacation. He djd not believe he was an alcoholic'
nor was abstinence his goal. He wanted to be able to ddnk moderately
anal to stop dnnking before he became intoxicated. ln my mind, concep-
tualizing his drinking as a ritualized behavior, I bega, to tlink to mysef
about tays of altering this goblematic ritual. Since no concrete symbols
emerged in his language in thi( inltial interview and I belre\ed he needed
ro a.aume respon.ibility tor his beha\ior. I a<ked him to bring lo fie
next session all of the symbols he coutd thinL of that were associated
with the positive/social and negative/destructive aspects of his drinking.
Smiting, he said he liked the idea, and I believe he wiII come to the next
sessio;with a variety of items. Giving him the choice of symbols will
enable him to select rclevant items, while helping both of us better un-
derstand lhe meaning of hi\ drinldng beha\ ror'
Regailless of how the symbols are selected, it is lhrough the ongoing
prcceas of assessment and treatment that they will emerye in the themes,
_metaphors,
and issues which are presented. Because oflhe emerging pro-
cess, the symbols used in lhe ritual itself will then appropriately fit into
the issues, language, culture, rcligion, values, and world view of the peo-
ple wilh whom you are working.
Open and Closed Aspects
Once the appropiiate dtual theme and symbols have beer determined,
the question_of open and closed aspects to the desiBn becomes critical.
It is;ritical because &ese variables will greatly affect the ritual process.
Since a ritual should be designed to include rcom for improvisation and
spontaneity (open) as well as specificity (closed), the question remains
ai to which aspect is to be emphasized in the design. I believe the answer
lies primarily with the style of the individual, couple, or family and how
they preseni themselves and the problem, as weli as how they approach
the'therapeutic prcc€ss. A couple of brief case examples will highlight these
points.
I was working with a couple who had been married 22 years- For
more than halftheir mariage,lhese spouses had been in therapy together
 92 RIIUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
and sepamtely with a variety of different therapists. They felt that, al_
though they had had a Iot of therapy, not much had rcally changed and
Lhey continued ro hc\e problem\ logerher. the\ borh reooned tiar Lher
hequentJy leltdi.appointed and hopele.5. and
lhel wereiorh uonderini
rl rhe) would be.be er ofl djvorced. B) coming lo lherap) rhe) hope;
$e \iludlron could impro\e. bul rhey uere noisure rl r'hiy could ger
be)ond lhis leelinS ot Oh no. here \ e go again. This retaLjon.hip isln.r
uonh ir:" Their tone qas.omeuhar de(perate as rhe) approache; rher-
ap) reque\rjng me ro do <omething thar would help rhem. I suggested
lhdl rhe nexl rjme lhey had lhat desperale.here we go again..\en.'e: rhey
slup whal lhe) \ ere doing and $rire do\ n on llle cerds uhar had hao
pened lhat had led up ro rhal leeling. After a few \es\ions. uirh
lhree-
weel, inler\al\ betueen qe..ionc.Lhev bolh had accumulaled a r$o inch
stack of flle cards.
Al lhe ne\l ue di\cussed lhe po.,ibilitiec ol letring go ot the
^\escion After hear'no
card\ rn \ome fu.hion. lhal lhe)hadanurn. I;isugges_
tion theJ each agreed to bum the iards one by one in the oth""._in u
smoke filled rcom, the couple agreed to take the ashes home and put
them in the um and place it upon their mantel. ttrey were totO ttrat itre
next time.either one of them began feeling hopelesi, they were to take
lle orher by lhe hand and go ,land togerh;r tor a minure of silence in
lront of lhe um. AIler a minule. whoe\er Iniriared going lo lhe urn had
[o say what led up to fee]ing hopeless and to offeathrei thinss that he
or che uould lrle lhe orher ro do ro improre rheir marriage. ihe other,
\ ho ua. lo be.rlenl during lhis rime. would li\ten. and al[r hearing lhe
olher'\ requesl would sd) _lhank )ou and lea\e to con,ider uhich_one
ol the lhrce reque\rs he or rhe uould do in hi, or her olrn \{a\ ftar
would fulfill the request. At the next session the spouses ,"po.t.'d tlrut
they had gone to the um on two occasions and thai thev had been ahte
to problem-solre and meet each other'\ need. in some ne* uav.
clo.ed a.pects emphacrzed here are ret'lecred in rhe \pec'ilrcily ol
.,The
all rhe drrecrj\e.: wriling i\.ue\ axd leeling. ar.pecific rimes. bumine
Lhe cards. placing them rn rhe um. pulinglr on rie manrej,
and, qh;i
lcelrn8 hopele\\. the rirual ol holding ha]]J. in .ilence in fronl of rhe um
lbr a minute. li\tening lo the three reque\r\. .aying lhank
)ou and leav n
ro problem .ol\e. f hi. clo\ed. pre.cribed proce.. rncluded. houerer, rhJ
oppo unity for spontaneity, as each, in his or her own wav. woulj at_
tempr lo honor a reque\t lo imptove lhe manicge.
ln contmst, spouses who had been maried sevon yc rs, bolh of wbom
were inlrorpecri!c. creati\e a r\r\. complaincrl rrhriut h,,w lhr) cycled
lhrough.a.pxllern ot'feelrnts clo\e ro o c iux,thcr. $llich I((l l; a'deep
sense of dislilnce. which lcd to a ,.hugc bbwup..' which r.esrrltcd
in mak'_
GUIDEL]NES TO DESIGNING TI{ERAPEUTIC RITUALS 93
ins uD. leavinq lhem leehng clo'e agajn. They de\cnbed il as a game'
rtrir olaved with each olher and \3id thal il could lake any$here lrom a
rno'nr'h ro sir month. lor it lo go full c)cle ln lhe lhird 'e'sion after
I
!d\e them a \er\ rou{h skelch, lasted rhem illhe} could furlher de'ign
i circular boad"gami thdl hiShlighled all the mo\e\ rhJr were rn!ol\eJ
io this pattern. Tiey rctumed to ihe fbllowing session wilh an elabomtely
desisn;d board edme. dice, and lhe rules ol'hou lo pla] A'ldiliondll)'
_reldlionship cards. e.ch conraininB a\pecl'
rhev-had createJ)lack\ Lrf
the; valued in the relationship and "forgiveness cards," as they believed
rhei neerled lo lorsive each olher lor a number ol ic'ues. l hey de\cnbed
-relatjon\hrp or
trori,, it rfrel l'-,ndid on a space on the board maJked
card and discuss the
"forgivenesi," they would pick up the appropiate
they had already played the
ideniified ttreme. itre spouses indicated that
lo lurlhcr refine
.hoard same on .e\eral occa\rons and that lhe) inlenJed
the n-ries ol pla). lhe clo.ed pan\ ol the rilual de'ign includcd lheir
*ord "gome'i and the idea thaa it was cyclical. Providing them with a
pre\cnplion' A'krng
roush \ierch ol, circulrJ board game $ a\ a clo'ed
lhe-couple lo lurther de.ign lhe board gcmc and beller idenlil) $hdl wd'
involved in plalrng il hrghlighled and empha-i/ed lhe open aspecls
ln borh oi rhere erample\. elemenl' ol clo\ed and open aspecls rvere
ircluded in the design of the ritual intervention ln the filst example, the
emDhasis wa( pl!c;d on closed acpecl\ becau\e ir lil more uirh rhe
soorises' .lrle ind hor rhel approached lhe therxpeutic proces\' They
$anted lo io somelhing rn6i.' ipecilic rhan just ldlk rboul lheir dilfrcul
ties, as had been lhe c;se in their previous therapies. Additionally' the
,necilicitv al)o attempled lo innoduce more clariLl and modriy a 'e_
ouence a;d Dallem rhit h,d be.ome un\rieldy and ploblemali' ' ll I had
ie.iencd a ritual rilh an emphasi. on openne\c and impro\i'crion ''\ilh
rhi,_couDle. lbelieve il wo;ld hr!e had lillle therapeulic \xlue a' rl
uould nol ha\e aflorded a unillrn! anchoring pornl. $hiJh lhe closed
aspects provided. ln contrast, the aflist couple presented themselves as
creative, innovative people who were not expecting directives in the ther_
apy process. When i emphasized spontaneity, the couple created a ritual
lar bevond m! imaeination.
.Ine,c
erample. trignlighr rhe idea lhat all rirudls "hould be designed
to include aspeits of openness and closedness. Which aspect is empha-
people
sized becomes a clinicat judgment related to such tlinBs as how
per'onal .t\le\. and leedbdck trom other inter_
3onroach theraDv. their
,e'nrion.. ,lchieiing lhe;ppropriale birlanLe ol openne" cnd clu'ednes'
i. prfl ul the ongoing lre;lmenl proce". tl people ren')rt thdl dorng lhe
ritual fccls,,,n.iraining. di.cu..ing $ay\ to increa(e openne" rs indi-
cated. Il doing the ritrial feels loo unwieldy, it may need to be revised to
94 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY'THERAPY
include more closed aspects. As with any inteNention, there is a tdal
and error component to the design of therapeutic rituals.
Time and Space
Time simply refers to when the tual is to be done e.g., in the moming,
every other day, on dre weekend, or 30 minutes in the evening. At home,
in the woods, in the living room are phmses marking the space where it
is to be done. How the elements of time and space are emphasized is
often related to the prcvious elements of open and closed aspects. For
example, in a rjtual where the closed aspects are emphasized, the time
and space ingredients are generally prescribed in specific ways. The
specificity may be presented to the participants in such a way thai every-
one knows exacdy when and where the dtual is to occur and who is to
do what and in what sequences durjne the dtual time. In contrast. the
participants of a ritual where openness has bee[ emphasized may not
know the exact time when or place where the ritual may occur, As an
example, it might be suggested to family members that they decide to
do the dtual at a time ard place of their convenience before the next
session. Thus, how time and space are emphasized is rclated to how the
ingredients of open and closed are being balanced. Beyond these specif-
ics, a Iew general comments rclated to the concepts of time and space
are relevani.
Probably one of the most important concepts related to time has to do
with marking the experience as distinct and different from the usual ac-
tivities of daily living. This rime boundary seryes ro highlight the experi-
ence as ritual time and in some instances makes the rifual more manageable.
Healing tuals can produce intense emotional reactions in the tartici-
pants, thus having a time boundary around the experience often offers a
degree of safety for emotional expression. Just knowing that the ritual
may lasl only 30 minutes can provide an important boundary of safety
and comfort. Beyond comfor and safety, time parameteN often facilitate
participation. "Ritual fime" becomes a specific time when participants
experiment wilh new behaviots and try new solutions. In effect, itpro-
vides some pa icipants with a sense of fteedom and permission to act
or think differently-
Finally, in relationship to time, the ritual experience is seen as a tem-
porary intervention. Pal'ticipants should not be given the impression that
this will be somethinB they will need to do for the rest of their lives. In
most instances, the dtual provides the participants and the therapist with
new infomation which influences modification of the original design
(iUIDELINES TO DESIGNING THERAPEUIIC RIIUALS 95
as changes, interactions, and experiences occur arcund the presenting
problem.
A key element in ritual design and enactment may be the place whe(e
the ritual occuls. In nonnative life cycle dtuals, the place is often pre-
scribed in ihe culture. For instance, religious weddings in Westem cul-
ture usually occur in a house of worship. Changing the traditional place
lbr a wedding, for instance, holding it in a woods, is an impoflant way to
"speak" about shifting noms and beliefs. Families may develop specific
tmditions involving the "appropriafe" places for Thanksgiving or Christ
mas, such that changes in the place are noticeable and may prcvoke
much discussion, as for jnstance when young adults begin to hold cele_
brations a1 thei own home rather than at parenis' homes.
In therapeutic rituals, the choice of place should be given carcful thought
by the tlerapist, and may be an area for discussion between therapist and
iamily. Two broad choices are ir-r€ssion rituals and ,,at'l.res.rlo, ritu_
0ls. Fu her refinernents of these choices may be made dependiog on the
fItrlicular dtual.
rN sESsroN RrruALs. Seveml autho$ have described rituals held in the
therapy sessron (Imber-Black, 1986: Imber-Coppersmith, 1985; Kobak &
Waters, 1984; Papp, 1984; Seltzer & Seltzer, 1983). All descibe utiliz-
ing the therapy session in an unusual and unexpected way to engage
lamilies, to break up rigid frames, and to infioduce change. The declsion
to create an in session ritual generally emerges from the therapist's as-
sessment that
(1) actually performing the ritual is inportanl, and that this is more
likely !o happen in lhe session than at honre;
(2) haring a witness to the ritual is importanl in order to add elements
of conlirmation aDd verisimilitude:
(3) therapy per se has become "rieidly tualized" so that m in-session
ritual may be capable of in!,nducing new patlems nl fte therapist
family systemi and/or
(4) strong affecl aftendant to the dtual requires a'.safb" place
ln-session rituals may be a complete surprise to the family. For in-
stance. one couple often rcfered to a sec(et past that was intefering with
their present relationship, but refused to discuss this in therapy. ln a
scssion, the usual conversation was stopped and they were unexpectedly
asked to wite the past issue on paper. Following the writing of the se_
crct. the couple was invited to bury the secret on a frozen hill behind the
90 RITUAI,S IN FAM]LIES AND FAM]LY THERAPY
clinic (Imber-Coppersmith, 1985). In this case, the element of surpdse
helped to break up a rigidly dtualized rherapy, in which rhe couple comr
plained about their past, while refusing to discuss it, in session after
session. As the couple first Iaughed and then solemnly buried the secret
with the therapist serving as witness to the ceremony! the former s[ug-
gling relationship between therapist and couple and between husbatd
and wife was recontextualized as one now marked bv sharins a most
unu\ual e\ enl:
Wlen using the element of surprise in an in session ritual, the them-
pist must closely gauge the responses of clients in order to avoid forcing
people inro action' Gey \ ould rdlher not do. The rur?ri.e elemenr, oi
in-session rituals must always be contained in a context of respect, At
the same time, the therapist must be comfortable with taking some risks,
trying the unfamiliar, and utilizing humor and the unexpected.
Some in-session rituals may include instructions for preparation in
between sessions. Such preparation may include directiom rhal will slift
alliances and interdict escalating patterns, while uniting the family in a
conrmon enteipise and heightening cudosity in ways that provoke the
family's own problem-solving capacity and creativity. Here, as in pre
paring for a nomative ritual, preparing for the in-session thempeutic
ritual becomes "special time," contributing to a larger context of change.
For example, preparation for the in session ritual, 'ihe giving of gifts,,,
described in Chapter 2 generally opemtes to introduce symmetry, as each
member is involved in the act of gift selection, and to interdict anger
that is often connected ao precipitous or unanticipated leavings.
The fherapist's dircctions for preparation for nn in-session ritual can
also highlight changes in the family. For instance, in the Wharton fam-
ily-described in Chapter 2, in which the daughter, Sandra, prefered
french fries, bread, and milk instructions for the first in session meal
ritual were precise and were intended to cornment openly on existing
alliances and begin to introduce grcater symmetry into a system marked
by escalating complementarity. These instructions were planned by the
therapist and team. By contrast, insfuctions for the second meal ritual,
held at the end of therapy, which simply invited each member to bring
favodte food to share, announced both Ihe disappeamnce of Sandra'i
"eating disorder" and the more symmetdcal relationships now available
in the family.
Since in-session rituals tend to be unusual and dmmalic! lltcy can cas-
ily become part of a family's shared mythology, londing a ,.staying
power" to therapy that may be less available iD rcgulnr scssions. Symbols
and metaphorical action are brought ioto tho lhontl)y scssi()ll. As lamilies
ls
and therapists participate in iD-scssion dtnltls, slt(lt lutls. wcddings,
GUIDEL]NES TO DESIGN1NG THERAPEUTIC RITUALS 97
burials, gift exchanges i the therapy loon, the question "Are we pre-
tending or are we not pretending?" implicitly and powerfully frames the
actjvities. In-session rituals generate a kind of "creative confusion," as
the therapisCs position shifts from session conductor to witness and/or
paticipant, team membe$ may enter the room, and othenvise ordinary
daily events, like a family meal, become extraordinary'
posrrroN oF THE THERAPTST In-SeSSiOn rituals call upon flexibility, akeen
sense oftiming, an attitude of acceptance, and an ability to shift positions
by the therapist. Such rituals may reverse the usual therapeutic hierarchy,
piacing the therapist in the position oi following and taking directions
irom the family, as in in-session rituals in which thmily members be
come pat ofthe consultation team advising the therapisr' Or drese ituals
nlay eliminate hierarchy altogether, as when therapisl xnd family become
coparticipants in a ritual, for instance, a gift exchange ritual marking the
end of a particular thempy. The therapist may serve as a witness, as
when couples exchange new wedding vows in the context of a therapy
session! or may sign documents that have emerged from the thempeutic
endeavor. (See Kohen, Chapter 15 for fulllength cases involving the
therapist as witness and docurnent signer in in-session rituals.) Finally,
just as in-session rituals are often powerful for families, so they are fre-
quently deeply moving for therapists who may be honored by access to
a family's otherwise hidden places.
our oF sEssroN RrruALs. out-of-session dtuals are utilized more ftequently
than in-sessiofi rituals. The choice to prescribe or co-create an out of_
session dtual in thempy is made when
(r) location of rhe ritual in a place outside of therapy is deemed impor-
tant. such as when a ritual is to be held h the backyard, in a place
of wo hip, or in a special space at home;
(2) the effects of repeating th€ ritual over several days or weeks is con-
sidered to be an important aspect; and
1.3) connection to people who do not come to therapy is impotan!, as in
oul-of-sessjon rilLrals that involve extended family.
The specilic place of an out of-session ritual may be suggested by the
therapist, may be negotiated by therapist and family, oI may be left en-
tirely up to lhe family, such as when the therapist simply says "pick an
appropdate place" and linds out in a subsequent session where the family
chose 1I] do the ritual.
 !I] R]TUALS IN FAMIL]ES AND FAMILY THERAPY
ALTER\ArrNG 1N SESSTON AND OrrT OF sEssroN RTTUALS. In a given therapy,
one may use both in session and out of-session rituals in a meaningiul
sequence, For instance, an end-of sessjon tual to work on some asiect
oi healing mr1 be lolJoucd b) an dgreed upon in se..ron nrual turrler-
ing rhe hexling proce., lhrough J $ilnes\ed burial or buming. Con-
versely, an in-session ritual, such as the final meal session held ;ith the
Wharlon family (Chapter 2), may be followed by an end-of,session
ual. such as asking the Wlartons to fteeze the potato and the kiwi fiuit.
with particular instructions tbr their subsequeniuse at home.
RITUAL TECHNIQUES AND SYMBOLIC ACTIONS
It is the symbolic actions in combinatjon with the prcvious ingrcdients
of \)mbol\. open/clo\ed. and time/rpace u hich bring lhe ritual ;nler\en_
rion Io Iile. F\er) nrurl mu.r hare.ome rymbolL icrion included u h
lhe Lle.ipn lhe choice ol lhe dpproprixte .) mbLrJic acrion depend. upon
the rirurl thcme or theme. being utiliTed xnd the kind, of aciion\ avJil
able to those in treatment. Thrcugh their language, metaphom. and is_
sues, people will typically provide the symboiic actions to
incorporated into the design oI the ritual. For eximple, people have made
commrnr\ Iike _We \ ould si\e cnlthinglo be able ropur rhi. ro re.r...
'The is.ue, ir the pasl lree/e u. lrum gornP an)\^here. .\\e need lo
.hehe .ome thing.. Such comment\ sugge.l \omc ot lhe rcrions lhdl
mrghl be u\ed d. parl olirilual lechnique. fhe lolluuing cxtegorie. ol
lelling 8(). urili,/ing dilference.. grrrnp and receiring. riturt;ing lhe
game._and documenting represent types of dtual rechniques/symbolic ac-
Iions irequently incorporated in the design process.
Letinq Co
The symbolic actions described within the letting go category ire com_
monly, yet not exclusively. urilized in healing ind identity rituals. The
letting go actions facilitate a cleansing and healing proc;ss. Over the
years we have asked pople to bum, freeze, bury, flush, or send up in bal-
loors a variety of symbolic items, such as plotographs, rings. letters,
written memories, psychiatric records, and clothes. Such ritual actioni
have assisted people in moving beyond traumatic events and meanings
t}lat have interfered with their living in the prcsent.
in healing rirual.. e.peciall) it thcie hur becn ir lut!rh) period
ol^Ollen
.ulferinB Jnd rgoni/in8. lhe\e acrion\ muy he urctt ,s
1,,,ri ,,i.ercr,t
riturls. Yerrs aeo. ilnorking s ith J couplc wh(.r( llt(, h \l,in,l hird h d
fln:rlliir. rhe) were r.ked r,. e\pcrinrc l !\rtlt thi\ lnriDt' l i\.rh.trom
GUIDELINES TO DESIGNTNG THERAPEUTIC RITUALS 99
their past. On different occasions they were to bury, bum, freeze, and
flush a variety of symbols that represented this painful past. Symbols
included photogiaphs of this couple during the dme of the affair, a
Christmas card, and angry feelinBs the wife had wdtten on file calds.
After each ritual action, they were to discuss how it t-elt to do that activ-
ily and to rank the effecliveness of each action This couple decided that
ri! flushing was the most apprcpdate and effective ritualized action. Having
some symbols submerged in their septic system provided the couple,
especially the wife, with a new sense of pleasure and relief.
In some instances the Ietting go ritualized activily needs to be com-
bined with some form of holding on actlon. A college student recorded
seveml traumatic childhood life experiences on separate pieces of paper.
She placed them all in a helium-filled balloon and attached the balloon
to aitring. On prescribed occasions, she expedmented with letting the
balloon go and pulling it back in again- As she grew more comfortable
with the idea of letting go of her past, she found that she was able to let
out more and more string. Eventually, she was able to let the balloon fly
away. This ritualized action combined the need to let go and t}le need to
be hold on in a manner that rcspected her pace and decision-making
Both of these examples also highlight how rituals are pan of the thera_
peutic process. Rituals are typically done over a period of time and modi_
lied with therapeutic setbacks and gains They arc not seen as quick and
simple solutions to therapeutic problems.
Utili.ing Differences
Ritual actions which utilize differences are typically belief negotiation
rituals as they address conflicting beliefs and symmetrjcally escalating
conflicts. The auihors have used fhe Milan team's odd days/even days pre-
scription (Selvini Palazzoli, Cecchin, Prata, & Boscolo, 1978a, 1978b) as
a foundation for many ritualized actions dealing with dichotomous beliefs
and themes. lt has been our experience that, when people present differ-
ences regarding solutions, gender and sex roles. culfurcs, or world views,
the ritualized action oi odd days/even days is very appropriate. People of_
ten report that through this dtual technique that ihey have gained an ap'
preciation for the "othel' point of view and modified their own behaviol.
When designing a itual that uses the odd days/even days technique,
you have the flexibility to emphasize either the closed or open aspects
;r to offer them in combination. The original Milan prescription empha-
sized closed aspects, as certain behaviors or points of view were to be
oarried out by ooe parent on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday while the
olher parenl attempted his or her solution on Tresday, Thursday, and
 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY (iUIDELINES TO DESIGMNG THERAPEUTIC RITUAIS 1or

Saturday. Open aspects were made available with the "be spontaneous,, teach her husband what i1 meant to think as a woman; on Tuesdays,
pre\criprion on Sunda) Jnd $ilh each parenl \ choice ol behd\ior. Open 'lhursdays, and Saturdays he was to announce "Today we think like a
a.pecl. woulJ be emphc.tzed il )ou a.ked a $iIe. wilhour tnnouncing man," and he was to teach his wife what it meant to think as a man;
to the husband, to think and act like the husband on any three days rdditionally, before the next session in a month, he was to take his wife
during dre week, and asked the husband to do likewise on thrce other oul for a "man's night out" and she was asked to take him out for a
days. Such a ritual would be open, as the people would decide when "woman's night out." The spouses rcturned to the next session highlight-
they were to behave like the other. The closed aspects would include the ing their similadties as people and as parents and reporing fewer strug-
number of days being specified. gles over their differences, which they were better able to appreciate.
The odd days/even days ritual technique can be used effectively any
time differences are being negotiated in therapy. Couples who are strug-
gliDg with sepaJating or remaining marded can be asked to act ds Givhg and Receiring
fthey
were married on specific days and act "as if' they were separated on the As actions, giving and receiving are common to a variety of normative
remaining days of the week. Patents have been asked to relate to their rituals. Many family celebmtions and fardly traditions are marked by
children on different days according to such dichotomous points of view the exchanging of gifts, food, and cards. In day-to-day life, kissi[g a
as: being biologically deprcssed vs. situationally depressed; genetically child or spouse good night can be a way of giving and receiving love
flawed vs. ne€ding guidance; needing psychologicai help vs. needing no and affection. In fterapeutic rituals, the exchanging of gifts can be used
help; planning fbr the child's deadl (substance abuser) vs. plannjng for the in a variety of ways:
child's future. Witlout question, this dtDal technique has many clinica.l
applications. (1) family members exchanging with one another;
(2) the family mernbers giving symboiic items to the therapistt and
REVERSALS. Reversals are also helpful in situations where differcnces (3) gifts being exchanged between therapist and family m€mbers.
are being negotiated. The revenal is discussed here, because it is gener-
ally used within the framework of an odd days/even days dtual. Rever- RETWEEN FAMTLY MEMBERS. JaniDe RObertS Supervised a CASe, wherc
sals are used when you are attempting to expand role repe oire and Linda Lewandowski was the therapist, in which the family members re-
behavioral options. Differences presented in therapy can reflect either a ported they were in a crisis (see Figure 3.1). Alice, 15, had been living
skewed complementarity or symmeftical esca]ation. The balance of a with her mother, stepfather, and their two younger children, ages seven
skewed complementadty may involve an ovefunctioning/undedunction-
ing spousal relationship. Other examples may include relationships where
one person primarily leads and the other follows, or one usually teaches
and lhe olher leam\. ln rel"tion.hip. marked b) a.lmmerricol e.cala
tion, each participant feels that his or her ideas are "the best,,, producing
a competitive escalating struggle. Rega.dless of how the differences are
being manifested, asking people to think and act like the other durjng
specific limes can facilitate sjmilarities in the face of differences.
A few years ago Janine Robefls and I were working wjth a couple
whose rclationship was based on stereotypical sex roles. This configura-
tion had seNed them well in the past but had recently become problem-
atic as they were struggling over the besl way to parcnt their young
daughter. In an attempt to modify their escalating struggle, we asked
them to experiment with the following reversal embcdded in an odd t@vinc lot Dad\ hone in OeEon
days/even days ritual action: On Mondays, Wednesdrrys, ilnd Flid.rys the
wife was to announce "Today we think like a woDun." iud shc was to FICIIRE 3 I A Lcaving Home Ritual
 zuTUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
and five, since the parents' divorce 10 years ago. Very recently Alice
had decided, with her father, to move from Massachusetts to live with
him in Oregon. This decision, which her mother ard stepfather sup
pofled, was based almost entirely upon the fact that they had been in
conflicl with one another for many years. Their relationship was marked
by frequent argumenls and tension. Alice's steptather and mother felt
there was a cisis because Alice was leaving so angry fhat they feared
they might never see her again. Although Alice already had a one-way
flight ticket to Oregon and was scheduled to leave in 10 days, her mothei
and stepfather came to the initial session with Alice. At the end of the
session, the therapist suggested a "tmnsition ritual,, and asked Mrs. Mal
Iey, he1 husband, and Alice to bring special things to the next session to
help them say goodbye. During the session Mr. Malley acknowledged
that, although there had been much conflict between him ald Alice, thire
hadbeen some harmony as well. The therapist suggested that he bdng a
symbol of that harmony which Alice coutd rake with her to Oreg;n.
Mm. Malley was asked to bing a symbol of her love that Alice c6u1d
also take with her. The younger boys, who were inviled to the next ses
sion, were to bring something special for Alice,s new home. During the
session Alice said she hoped that someday she would be able to apolo
gize to ber mothff and stepfather for some of her behavior. She was
asked to b.ing two things: (l) a creative symbol of what her apology
might be someday if she could make it; and (2) somerhing she-wouid
like to leave behind that would be left out in the open in ihe house to
rcmind the family of her.
The following week, Mr. and Mn. Malley, the boys, and Alice came
with wrapped items to share. The therapist/team brought juice anal fresh
sftawbenies and the members of the family gave and received iheir gifts.
Mr. Malley presented Alice with one of his favorite shifis. which she
haJ pre\iou\l) borroued. uirhoul hir o616tr;on. on mrnl occasions.
Alice'c morher read dnd then precenled AIice wilh a lerrer in which rhe
talked aboxt foryjveness, acceptance, freedom andjoy. She also gave her
The Prcphet by Khalil Gibran (one of the rhemes in rhis boo-k is the
letting go and acceptaDce by parents oftheir growing children). The boys
each presented Alice with a favorite stuffed animal. Alice presented tile
family with her mdio, which was an important symbol for Alice, as the
family lived in a cornmune ard had no mdio or television. Addilionallv.
she presented the family with a drawing which said, in brighr hold coi-
ors, "I love you." This drawing represented her apology. At thc cnd the
therapist actively paflicipated in rhe ritual by giving ci;h n)crlher ol the
family a purple tuiip, saying that, although they wcrc lhc si llc. oach was
unique and difl'erent.
(JUIDELINES TO DESIGNING THERAPEUTIC RITUALS iO3
Without question, this in-session ritual, which emphasized giving and
receiving, provided the family with the oppofiunity to mark Alice's leav-
ing home feeling connected and concerned as opposed to cut off and
angry. The dtualized action of giving and receiving seNed to access
lbelings of tendemess and vulnerability and made available the begin-
nings of a healing process which had been previously unavailable.
Similar to the "giving of gifts" case reported by Imber-Black (1988a,
1988b), in which family members exchanBed gifts to mark Karen's de-
pa ure into a group home for retarded adults, a new, positive meanjng
was created lor Alice and her family. As Alice's mother said at the end
of the session, "This dtual cleared a lot of stuff for me."
ovrNc syMBolrc rrEMs To THE TEERAPIST Timing and pacing are impor-
lant considemtions in the therapeutic process, particularly in designing
healing dtuals. I have fbuld that one way to rcspect the pace at which
people are able to let go of the memories of painful events in their lives
is for me to be the keeper or holder of the symbols of these events. A
lew years ago a woman student sought help as she was sttuggling with
many painful memories from her past that were interfering with hel abil
ity to have meaningful relationships with men. An abused foster child,
who had lived in seveml homes, she began to share her pain and anguish
tbr the first time in her life. As time went on she was able to write down
negative and angry feelings about he.self and other people, as well as
many ffaumatic events. I kept the cards in my office and over a period
of months we were able to put them in two envelopes, one marked "let
go of' and the other "hold on to." As an accomplished and skilled hiker
and backpacker who had led several wilderness trips in the White Moun-
tains, she described to me one day how whenever she led a trip with
young people she would have a ceremonial campfire on the last night.
On these occasions she would ask each person to descdbe everything he
or she saw, smelled, heard, touched, and tasted dudng the trip that was
negative as well as positive. After each person talked about his exped-
cnces, she gave him a piece of charcoal fiom the fire.
As you might imagine, we spent tkee hours one summer night in the
woods, by a firc, talking and occasionally crying about each one of the
cards in the "let go of' envelope before we bumed them. The next day
she, alone, retumed to the site to take some pieces of charcoal and to
cover over the remaining ashes with difl. I have my pieces of charcoal
at home and a few cards in the "hold on to" envelope in my office_
BETWEEN THERAPIST AND FAMrLy. MUtUal exchanging of gifts and sym-
bols can be a way to mark family problem-solving strengths and to ter-
 RITUALS IN FAMILIES A]\ID FAMILY THERAPY
minate therapy (Imber Black, 1986). JaniDe Robefis and I focused on
marital and parenting issues with a couple and their two young children
fbr apprcximately l0 months. For the last session we asked them to brinB
symbols which represented the heatment process. They appeared at the
session with a laurdry basket full of clean folded clothes (who did
ho$ehold chores had been an issoe); copies of The Vell)etee Rabbit and,
Dr. Gad er's Stories about the Real World; and an imperfect, urfin-
ished, yet special. box that had all handmade joints. One of the central
issues in therapy had been the p.llents' expectation that they and their
children should strive and achieve pefection. We presented each of the
parents with a T-shirt, one which said, ,'Celebrate imperfectly special
mothers," and the other, "Celebrate imperfectly special fathers."
The session was spent talking about the meaning of these different
symbols and the ways they could be used at home to solidify the numer-
ous changes the family had made. Just as we were rcady to end,
Mrs. Burke said, "We have one more thing for you out in the car.,, She
left and rctumed with a gallon of double chocolate fudge ice cream,
bow1s, and spoons. This clearly marked the end of thempy as we finished
talking with each other socially.
Ritualizing the Game/Prescribing the Symptom
This ritualized action attempts to alter a sympromatic ot rigid pattem of
behavior by prescribing the pattemed behavior in an explicit fashion.
Asking people to do the pattemed behavior within a prescribed itual
introduces an element of confusion. absurditv and humor. which alters
lhe paltem and rrs medning. \\ ith lhe pa em and meaning altered. new
options fol problem-solving emerge. This ritualistic action has been
weli-documented and has been shown to be an effective i ervention
with individuals, couples, and families (Andolfi, 1979; Madanes, 1981,
1984; Selvini Palazzoli et al., 1978a, 1978b; Warzlawick, Weakland, &
Fisch, 1974; Weeks & L'Abate, 1982).
A few years ago, Janine Robefis and I worked with a tamily in which
lhe 12.)ear.old \on ua. idenrified as rhe presenlinp problem r\ee Figure
3.2). He had recently been caught stealing tapes at a rccol{:l store. The
parents also reported he had been doing poorly academically in school
and had recently been suspended for a day for being in a fight. This
behavior was alaming to the parents, as their dauBh@rs were defined as
excellent students who were active in sports and school organizalions.
The parents, loving and compassionate peoplc. had I parentjng style
which was relaxed yet supportive. Afler ttw sossi(Ds, thc parents felt
comfortable that the son's stealing wus no longcr u prublcm, yet his
(|I]IDELINES TO DESIGNING TIIERAPEUTIC RITUALS
kidt @iB tut
cood
IICURE 3.2 The Jones Family
ollbrl regarding his schoolwork was inadequate. In a discussion about
consequeDces regarding their son's behavior in rclationship to school,
the parents became increasingly anxious. They indicated that they mrely
disciplined their daughters, as they typically cooperated with their par-
cnts' rcquests. They recently had atlempted Io be stricter, set limits, and
create consequences for their son's behavior, but they bolh felt they were
onable to fbllow Ihrough. Tbey had attempted to restrict his pdvileges
irround time away from the home and the amount of time spent watching
lclevision or using ttle telephone.
When we asked the parents how they undentood tbis difficulty of
wanting to set limits yet feeling uncomfortable doing so, two imponant
pieces of information from the parents' background emerged Mrs Jones
wrs the youngest of four siblings and had a very conflicted relationship
with her own mother. She believed her relationship wilh her mother had
been poor. was curently poor, and would continue the same way into
rhe future. She "hated" her mother. and Mrs. Jones's childrcn described
(heir grandmother as a "witch." Mrs. Jones acklowledged that she
worked very hard to have a loving relationship with her own children so
lhey would not feel towards her as she did towards her own mother. This
fulief clearly influenced hel parenting style. Mr. Jones, the oldest of
lhrce children, functioned as a parental child within his family of origin.
l-lc had wo*ed hard to help his brothers, his mother, and his father, who
 zuTUALS IN FAM]LIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
was an alcoholic and a family physician. Mr. Jones recalled how he
regularly drove his father to people's homes in rural Maine for emer-
gency calls since his father had lost his license for d ving while intoxi
cated. Mr. Jones believed that in his youth no one had pushed him to
sffive for excellence and that now, as an adult, though content with this
life, he mrely pushed himself to achieve.
With this important infomation we designed a dtual incorporating
tbese beliefs, which seemed to prevent the parents from sustaining a
limit-setting approach with their son. After the next appointment was set
for two weeks, the parents were asked to do the fbllowing: The firsl
week, they were l]ot to do anyfhing differenl in relationship to their par-
enting styles, only to be aware of how mother's ideas about the impor-
tance of having a good relationship with her children and father's idea
of not being pushed hirnself influenced their behavior; the second week
mother was to say daily, "I realize I am running the sk of your having
a relationship with me like I have with my own mother: however, until
you complete your English and social studies homework, you cannot go
out, use the telephone, or watch television." Father was told to say, "I
realize that I am nrnning the dsk of pushing you in ways that I wish
I had pushed myself: however! until you complete your math and science
homework you can not go out, use the telephone, or watch television."
At the next session the parents indicated thal things were going much
better in school. as their son had done his homework and scored well on
several tests. The parents had given him assistance in their areas of aca-
demic competence only after the son had said, "I'm not doing anything
until you rcad youl speech." On a daily basis, the parents read their
"\peeche\" Jnd rheir .on did hi\ homeworl.
This dtualized action incorporated the existing parental beliefs and
made them explicit. In voicing their beliefs in this fashion, the parents
began to experience their fears more explicitly and hence less power-
fuIly, which enabled them to exercise their parental authodty in a more
consistent and sustained fashion.
There are countless examples in everyday life of how the documenting
process marks events as official and often as lega]. Making .r will, receiv
ing a diploma frorn preschool or graduate school, and gcrliDg r rnnmiage
license or a fishing license require the signjn8 of ol-licirl (kreunrenls fbr
recod keeping, legal, and cercmonial purposcs. My ll(xlsix), who was
preparing to be confirmed in the Catholic Churrh, rrll\l lrrrl inlirmed
me that I needed a sponsor certificate lionr (n'r |r'risl l)rirsl. Altcr ner-
I iI IIDELINES TO DESIGNING TIIERAPEUTIC RITUALS
vously quizzing seveml people on the differences between venial and
flr)rtal sins, I met with oul pdest. Although he did not test me, he handed
lrc an envelope which contained a document which bore the stamped
scll of the parish as well as his signature. This official document meant
lhal I was a good, practicing Catholic and was worthy of actively partici-
l)ruing in my godson's confirmation ceremony. Without thjs document,I
eould not be his sponsor.
Because of the powerful and serious nature of the meaning which
(locuments carry, documenting can be a rilual action used in the design
(r'lherapeutic rituals. Although there are othel creative ways to use doc-
ltmenting, three are offered here as examples.
rn)cuMENTTNO TO ENEANCE COMMTTMENT. BeCaUSe mOSt people regard
signed documents as official and serious, there are situations when it is
holpful to have people sign agreements rcgarding their behavior. A few
ycars ago Janine Roberts and I were working with a couple who sought
llolp because of their fighting and unceftainty about remaining maried.
'Iheir relationship was marked by violent, intense outbumts, which in-
cluded slapping each other, yelling, culsing, and desftoying property
within their home by throwing objects and punching dools and walls.
Although each person had his/ her own explanations for how the fights
bcgan, we attempted to set some limits on this behavior by means of a
contract. Most of the initial session was spent having the partners agree
rm what they would be willing to do to prevent an angry outburst as well
rs something that would communicate a sense of appreciation for the
olher. Once the list was drawn up, copies were made for each percon
rDd signed by the couple, myself, and Janine, who came ftom behind
lhc one way mirror. The partners were asked to keep ihe contract in their
possession at all times, and in the event of a breach, they were to call
rnc immediately regardless of the time ofday. This documenting of own-
orship for their own behavior served this couple well, as there were no
violent outbursts and significandy fewer hostile inte.actions, even though
lhey chose to separate during the couse of treatment.
TTx UMENTING TO ALTER PATTERNS OF INTERACTIONS. Documenting alSO
lunctions for ihe purpose of record keeping. Through the yems I have
rsked people to audiotape at home sequences of interaction that they
dcline as problematic. Frequently this has been asked of parents report-
iDg arguments or fights with or between their childrcn. If the family does
Dot owr a tape recorder, I will pmvide blank tapes and a rccorder for
thoir use. Family members are told to leave the tape recorder readily
lcccssible. When they lind themselves beginning to enter into the prob-
 rO8 RITUALS I}i FAMILIES AI\-D FAMILY THERAPY
lematic interaction, anyone in the family can announce, "This will be a
good one for Dr. Wliting to hear," and tum on the tape. This announce-
ment marks the subsequent inleraction as "special." Typically the irter-
action that follows is quite different ftom the usual, as the sequence of
interaction has become interrupted by the audiotape documentation.
As video cassette rccorders have become popular, more people own
their own video camems. Many people are replacing the traditional wed-
ding album wilh hours of videotape. When available, home video record-
ing equipment can be used to document similarly as audiotape. Having
people film unsalisfactory as well as satisfactory interactions has proven
to be a useful ritualized action.
DOCUMENTTNC TO SOLTDTFY CHANGE. occasionally thempists are requested
to submit repofs to the couts, social service workers, or school pefson-
nel regarding the progress of clients and famjlies. On such occasions I
have asked family memben to assist me in cocreating the document Io
be sent to the outside system. Such a process serves to announce, in an
official fashion, to the family and others the various ways that behavior
ard relationships have changed during the treatment. Addifionally, it
marks the therapy experience as co-evolutionary, since no secret, confi-
dential reporu are being exchanged among the "professionals."
Documenting can also help solidify changes at various tBnsitional
points in the therapy. Shifting the focus of treatment from child to mari-
tal issues may be marked by presenting the child and family with a docu-
ment acknowledging all the changes that have taken place during the
child-focused tleatment. Such documentation serves to highlight the end-
ing of one phase of treatment and the beginning of another.
ReJlections
To conclude this section, I would like to retlect on these techniques and
then share two case examples which demonsffate the incredible ability
of rituals to express and facilitate communications.
As a clinician and cocreator of therapeutic rituals for more than 25
yeam, I have counseled numerous people as the Director of the Spring
field College Counseling Center and within my private practice. I ha;e
worked wilh many people who have wanted and needed to express and
share critical penonal infomation but have been unable to because of
fear. Fear of rcjection, fear of embarrassment, fear of abimdonmcnt. or
fear of reprisal have (individually or collectively) psychologically ..para-
lyzed" people and prevented them ftom revealing aspccls ol themsclves.
These aspects which have been impossible lo shitro usUtllly involvc pain-
GUIDELINES TO DESIGNING THERAPEUTIC RITUALS
ful pasts or uncertain futures. Designing dtuals using ihe design ele-
ments and symbolic actions-have facilitated incrcdible intemal and
interpersonal changes as people have been able to exprcss themselves
honestly, sometjmes even without words. As one student said, "the dtual
provided a context which enabled communicating what had happened,
while adding more meaning in a gentler way."
These two cases have been selected because they demonsftate the
ability of rituals to commu cate sensitive or difficult messages. In both
instances, students that I saw in counseling were desidng to communi-
cate very important messages but struggling with how to actually accom-
plish these goals.
cAsri EXAMPLE A RTTUAL oF AppREcrATroN. A 32-year-old undergraduate
student came to the Counseling Center a few months before she was
scheduled to graduate. Shad indicated that her graduation rcpresented a
closure on her education as she had originally enrolled in college when
she was 18 yeals old but had left because of illness in the family and
the need to work. She was currently married and the mother of 2 young
children. She repo ed that she was very excited and proud about finish-
ing her degree, but had recendy realized that there were other things in
her life, in addition to her college experience, that needed closurc. As we
explored the "unfinished" things in her life, the following story emerged.
Shari was the second oldest of four daughters in a family that was
organized around a very intense, verbally and physically abusive father.
Typically the siblings and their mother spent a great deal of time trying
to avoid the wmth of this maa. Shari had never been in therapy and even
though her father had died a few years ago, she still sffuggled when it
came to talkinB about her family and he^elf. In her mind, dad's rule
"What happens in this family stays in this family" was still present and
powerful. It was clear that she was feeling disloyal and somewhat ambiv-
alent about sharing her past.
After exploring some details of growing up in her tamily, Shad also
lold me about a special man in her life and a need for closure. When
Shari was in the fifth grade, Mr. Fassett, a male teacher of hers, gave her
r lot of support and attention. He encouraged her, took special interest in
her work, and, without knowing it, began to provide a fatherly, suppofi-
ive role. As she got a little older she began babysitling on a regular basis
lbr his family. She often rode her bicycle several miles to their home and
in some ways became a surrogate family member. As an adult, she would
occnsionally visit Mr. Fassett and his family, and sometimes would stop
in his clementary school classroom. She rcporled that she always felt
hctlor ltcr seeing him and had felt blessed that he had been in her life.
 RiTUALS ]N FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
Her "unfinished business" was that she had never thanked Mr. Fassett
for having been such an important man in her life-that she felt closer
to him than her own father and that she really appreciated that he had
been there for her. As part of a "home work" assignment I asked Shari
if she could write him a thank you letter and bdng it to the next session.
Shari came to the next session with a len-page le$er full ot' apprecia-
tion, reflection, and gratitude that had not been mailed to Mr. Fassett.
Along with the letter she came with a major dilemrna. Her dilemma was
that in creating this letter thanking him for having been there for her,
she found herself revealing how difficult her home life had been and that
was forbidden. Shari felt stuck and frustrated that her father could still
jnfluence her in such a way. After pushing her a little it became
clear to
me that this or any other letter, which combined thanking Mr. Fassetl
and acknowledging Shari's traumatic family life, would not be mailed.
Allhough fie lettei ua. too drrecr and erplicrr tbr Shari ar rhr. nage in
her own healing, it influenced the next inteNention.
My next thought was that if we added a more specific context or
reference point perhaps it might mal(e communicating ,,thank you,, a
litlle easier. I shared with Shari that I had seen Hallmark cards enrirted
"for someone who has been like a father to me" and with Father,s Day
approachrnt in June perhap. \he could bu) a gil and sen{:l .uch a card.
She indicated that she had seen similar cards and would think about it.
Shari anived the following week with a bag and a smile; she said that
she decided to use Father's Day to communicate her appreciation. She
proceeded to open the bag and showed me a l2-inch high balsa wood
sculpture that she had band cafled. It showed a young girl embmcing an
adult male with the man holding the girl with one hand and touching her
head with the other. To me it was absolutely beauliful, powerful, amaz-
inB, and perfect. To Shari, whose wood working experience had been
ljmited to whittling sticks at Girl Scout Camp, the concept was good but
she was critical of the outcome. We agleed to me€t in a few weeks and she
said she would continue to work with our Father's Day concept.
Shari came again carrying another bag and smiling and said she had
worked very hard on this next piece. She opened the bag and showed
me the exact same design but carved from a block of hard wood that she
had purchased. She liked it because it was much heavier and able to
stand on its own. A few days before Father's Day, Shari contacted
Mr. Fassett and they met. She gave him a card entitled ,,To someole
who has been like a father to me" and presented him with the wrapped
sculpture. He was very touched by the gift and Shari was .rdditionally
able to express verbally some ofher appreciation for thc clllc rnd suppo;t
I iIIIDELINES TO DESIGN]NG THERAPEUT]C RITUALS
shc had experienced through the years Sh,ti indi..ted thai rhe rinlal
(vcD1 and process had enabled her to feel complete and fulfilled.
This ritual was very transformative as it facilitated several shifts
wilhin Shari and in her relationsbip with Mr. Fassett. Internally she felt
ll scnse of rclief coupled with a sense of completion and closure. She
lclt she could become morc open and peer like in her relationship with
I\4r. Fassett. Some of the success in the cocreation of this ritual was that
il allowed Shari 10 remain loyal to her father's rule rcgarding sharing
illormation with the outsjde world while simultaneously enabling her to
(.xpress heNelf in ways that had previously been unavailable.
( ASI] I]XANIPLE A RIIUAL OFTHEPAST, PRESENT. AND FUTURE. ThiS CASC iN-
volved a 36-year-old graduate student who had been dating a man for
irl)proximately a year and a half. They had lived separately but. in a lew
lr(rnths, they intended to move in together in a new apartment that was
contrally located. Becki and Ryan were both very excited. However,
llccki was terrified about sharing information with Ryan from her past.
She had made a commitment to herself to share the infomation before
lhcy moved in togeiher. But she was feeling frozen, very ashamed, and
rlraid Ryan would end the relationship after she disclosed her secret.
llccki indicated that Ryan had asked about her pasl on a variety of occa'
sions and had been very patient and accepting of her rcluctance lo reveal
luny details. Her desire for disclosure accompanied by her fear about
rllc process and outcome of disclosing, motivated Becki to initiate ther-
t)y. After a few sessions of discussing and reframing her past, Becki
nd I decided lhat a ritual associated with thc couple moving in together
(ould provide a wondeful context fbr communicating information about
lhc past, the present, and the futurc.
In discussing Becki's past, the infbrmation that she was struggling to
\hilre was that she had 3 previous mariages, all of which had ended in
rlivorce. She felt ashamed, guilty, confused, and terrified Ryan would
lcilvc. As she shared more and more infomation about her marriages, I
r(rd her that I believed that that altlough she had been married 3 times,
''You have only been maried once, 3 times," Becki was somewhat be-
wildcrcd by the idea. I lold her after listening to the reasons why she got
Ilrnicd and what each mafirage had been like, I was convinced that the
rircurnstances and naturc of the marriages were similar. She had in fact
h,u mrrried once. three times.
As we worked together, this reframing became more plausible and com_
l'(,(ing as Becki reflected on her past rclationships. How Becki was to
slrrrc this inlbrmation becirme our collaborative goal for thempy. Over the
 RITUAI,S ]N FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
next weeks, we talked about her intercst in art, music, and creative healing.
Based on these conversations together we designed a ritual, which w;s
celebmted at their new apartrnent the week before they moved in together.
After walking around the apaffnent talking about fumilure placement
and decorative ideas, Becki asked Ryan to join her in the den where she
had a blanket on the floor, a stool draped wilh a cloth, a CD player and
a variety ofsymbols. Becki asked for Ryan's hand and they sat in silence
for a pedod of time before she told Ryan that he was to be quiet and
just listen, and at the end there would be plenty of tirne to ask questions
or add to the ceremony. She told him tbat because he was interested in
her past, iI was time to share some things that would help them move on
as a couple as well as f.rcilitate the healing and accephnce of her past.
Becki started playing Beethoven's "Storm" afld took a black candle.
which she had designed by melting 3 black candles together, thus creaG
ing one candle with 3 wicks. She lit one wick and said..Thjs represents
when I was 18 years old and I began my mariage wirh CharGs. The
reason I married at that tirne was because I was frightened, insecure, and
terrified of being alone." She then extinguished the flame with her fin
gers and lit another wick and said, "This is Ihe 2nd part of my mamiage
to Benjamin. I was 24 and the reason I continued my marriage was be
cause I was afraid, insecure, aDd terified of being alone.', She extin-
grished that wick and lit the third wick and said, ..This rcpresenls the last
of my maniage to Jake when I was 2q. The reason I continued my mar-
dage was because I was alraid, insecure, and terrified of being alone.,,
Becki then extinguished that flame. She then took an unattractive muddy
green candle that she had created by ddpping black wa\ on it altd had
gouged up with a knife. She lir this candle which, along with the orher
symbols, was sitting on the draped stool. She told Ryan that this candlc
represented herself years ago. She had felt broken during a dark time in
her life and at the end of her marriage. She was disillusioned, unlulfilled,
and looking in the wrcng places for comfoft and strenglh.
She changed the music Io Vivaldi's "Four Seasons,,and proceeded to
light a tall. white candle with the battered green one and extinguished
the Iatter. This candle, which intentionally was the tallest of all the can
dle symbols, was described by Becki as how she currently saw helxelf.
She was not broken, she was strong and beautiful, and shc st(x'd {all and
transformed. She then haDded Ryan a symbol of tturrslin'llllrli(rr. t snall
smooth shiny gold piece. She said it was hcr lll0ltc(l (lowll wo(kling band,
which reprcsented something lioDr lhc pusl txl lxrw slr(.w s cnl-Icntly.
Be.kr {hen lit th( lir\t rirD(ll( $hi.,lr .,rr ,,I I l,r,,s,,, ,tk.tx,t.lcr.ind
said, "This rcproscnls our rclttio rllil) it iN !,{,ry lx.nrlillrl, shcds a
hcrutilrl 1ighl, ln(l ii the liglrl r)l [,\r. I wi rl l0 frvI yot llris cnn( c
( il IIDELINES TO DESIGNING THERAPEUTIC RITUAIS r ,3
flnd candle holder with the hope we will burn many candles together."
llccki then told Ryan that although she was done, she had one request.
''l)lease do not blow out my candle because I have allowed ioo many
l)uople to blow out my candle too many times and I'11 never do that again."
l{yan srniled and said, "l have no inlentions of ever blowing out your
riudle- ' Then Ryan was told lhat now he could ask questions, add to the
rcreDony, do or say anything lhat he might like. Ryan then took Becki's
lrnnds and told her that he loved her very much and that it took a lot of
(olrrage to share her past. He related that all of the preparation and cere
|x)ny demonstrated to him how deeply she loved hiln- The couple spent
some time reflecting on lhe experience then prcpared dinner and built a
Iirc in the tireplace.
( IIHER DESIGN CONSIDERATIONS
'I'he previous sectioDs have lbcused on the elements which are necessary
to the design of Iherapeutic rituals as well as some of the more common
rud iequently used symbolic actions or techniques. In this seclion I will
(liscuss additional concepts and ideas which arc not always needed yet
ltr'c wofihy of consideration.
I{ituals which combine both letting go and holding on actions or sugges-
rions to behave certain ways on specific days and differently on rcmain-
i g days or identity iiuals which include a celebration have the concept
i)l rltcrnation common to their desrgn. As systems have the tendency to
runain lhe same while simultaneously changi[g, the design of some dtu-
lls will incorporate rhis dichotomy by providing room for altemative
(houghts and/or actions- Alternations not only serve the purpose of re
spccting this dichotomy of sameness and differentness but also help com-
rruricale that change is a process that occu$ over time.
I,i)-exzulple, a graduate student had been experiencing difticulties
urring, sleeping, and concenlrating on her schoolwork. She reported that
hcr flrst "significant" relationship with a man had ended, as he had bro-
l(iJn up with her a month earlier. After a few sessions, she agreed to
lniog in a large picture of him. During the session I asked her if she
\\'ould be willing to lel go of it. In response, she tore it into hundreds of
tiny pieces- She agreed to cany the pieces with her at all times, repre
sclltiDg her desire ro hold on to the relationship. She also agreed to ask
hcrscll lwice a day, "How nuch am I ready to let go of today?" Depend
ing upon her answel she would rcach inlo her bag and tale out a few or
111 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAM]LY THERAPY
several pieces of the photograph and throw them away. After a period
of thrce months she was left with a few remaining pieces. which one day
she decided to let go of in a nearby momtain range where she had spent
a lot of time as a child. By including the alternations of holding on and
letting go in this healing ritual, we rcspected the timing afld pacing of
her healing process. Although alternations are not common to all rituals,
they can be an important ingredient in the design of some rituals.
Repetition
Repetition is generally associated with religious and cultural dtuals
rather than thempeutic riluals. Most religious senices have prescr;bed
repetitive actions which the cleryy and members of the congregation par-
ticipate in individually and collectively. These actions are rcpeated be-
haviorally and verbally. In a Roman Catholic church, parishioners kneel,
sit, or stand during different phases of the mass. There arc also vaious
verbal rcsponses that are either spoken or sung, These actions arc almost
univenally adhered to and sorne Catholics repeat this same mass cere
mony daily. There is an expectation of repeated performance ofthe dtual
in prescribed u,ays throughout one's life. This is an important distinction
between religious and therapeutic lituals as there is neither the expecta-
tiol1 ofrcpeated performance nor, as Tomm indicated " . . . any insistence
that the ritual actually be cafiicd ouf. only the claim thal 1() do so nrny be
very useful" (1984, p. 266). Yet wilh this significant diflerence regarding
expectation and frequency of perfomance, therc is a place for repetitioD
in some therapeutic rituals.
REpErrrroN oF AcrroNs. An odd days/even days dtualized action has a
repetitive component in its design, as certain behaviors are suggcsted to
be car.ied out by the participants on cetain days over a period of time.
Regardless of whether the ritual was designed with an emphasis on open
or closed aspects, the foundation of an odd days/even days ritual has a
repetitive quality whose puryose is to add cla ty and facilitate new prob-
lem-solving behaviors.
REpETrrroN oF CoNTENT. There are situations where the content or state-
ments regarding beliefs as opposed to behavior become identificd as the
problem. In these cases, repetition via (l) speech, (2) letter. or (3) playful
actions has been used to work crertively with the clicDls' hnguage or
beliefs.
yid rpze.i. In the case descibed earlicr in lh0 sccli()n cnlillcd Ritual-
izing the Game/Prcscribins thc SymptoDr, il wri slrggcslc(l llltlt thc par-
l
ents rcpc t a vcry spccil-ic ,ncssagc (rr (Lrily hirsis I(, lhcir s(n). This
(iIIIDELINES TO DESIGNING THERAPEUTIC RITUALS 115
content came directly from their beliefs, which were affecting their abil-
ily to parent eff-ectively. As you may recall, the mother daily said to her
son, "I rcalize I am running t}le risk of your having a relationship with
mc like I have with my own mother; however, until you complete your
lrnglish and social studies homework, you cannot go out, use the tele-
phone, or watch lelevision." Father also repeated a specific message re-
garding his feelings about 'pushing" his son. The feedback of this process
was interesting: After one day of the parents' reciting their messages,
their son, in a playful manner, began to simultaneously verbalize the
message with his parents. By the end of treatment, the parents reported
ir variety of changes and the mother indicated that sometimes she would
look at her son and he would say, "Ya, I know. I realize I'm running the
risk," and they would laugh.
Vtt letter.ln Chapler 8,I describe in detail a case in which the parents
posted a signed letter in the bathroom of their home as parl of thempeufic
ritual. The message in the letter was powerful, as it conlained ideas and
hcliefs that were different fiom what the parents usually presented. Be-
cause it would have been difficult for the parents to verbally communi-
cate the contents of the letter, it was decided to post it as a way to repeat
lhc message to the children as well as to the parents. It was suggested
lhrt several copies ofthe letter be made so the message could be repeated
in the event the letter was removed and destloyed. After the letter was
rcmoved and the parents posted rew copies on lwo occasions, one of the
sons wrote, "I have already read this" and decided to write his parents a
lctter.
V t plq:ful actions. A few years ago I saw an unmaried couple who
hild been dating for approximately a yeal and a half. The individuals,
who were sinSle and in their mid thirties, had met in a local restauran,
(lisco. During the fiIst nine monlhs of dating, Gary talked a great deal
ahout Sandy, the woman he had dated previously. Jean became increas-
ingly upset at any mention of Sandy and the expedences Gary and Sandy
had had together. They sought therapy as they had been :trguing and
cxperiencing a great deal of conflict. No matter how much Gary insisted
ho preferred being with Jean, not Sandy, Jean refused to be convinced.
Alier a few sessions, I asked the couple if they would be willing to
purchase customizcd T-shirrs. They were to go to the storc together and
(lary was to buy a shirt which said, "You are the best thing that ever
huppcned 1() me." Jean's was to say "I believe you." Anytime they began
rrrguing about the importaDce of their relationship or about the meaning
ol S ndy, they were 1() put on their shirts and continue.
Likc Kcn and Mavis in the case reported by Imber Black in Chapter 2,
whcrs lhc couplc purchrscd ihc "vipcr" and "lips" T-shirts. Gary and
.lcrn wcrc lhlc Io woirr thcir shi(s wilh a ncw scnsc ol huDror aDd pllly
I 16 RITUAIS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
fulness. Though Garf aDd Jean eventually stopped dating, wearing the
shifis provided them with opportunities to modify their escalating ifiter-
actions jn relationship to each other and with Sandy. In these examples,
T-shirts were used to repeat messages and beliefs in a playful manner.
Writing statements or beliefs on "customized" underwear, balloons, or
"business cards" has been used to interject humor and play into relation
ships that have been marked by seriousness and anger.
All of the prcceding cases highlighted different ways of using rcpeti-
tion in thempeutic rituals as a way of working with people's behaviors,
statements, or beliefs. Although rcpetition is not a necessary element in
the design of therapeutic rituals, there are situations where it is a helpful
itualized action.
Combininq Thenes and Actions
Frequently rituals may draw upon symbolic actions and conceph frcm
two or more dtual themes. Such combination rituals genemlly occul at
the later stages of therapy when separate dtuals have be€, used dudng the
featment process. Imagine a couple who has been struggling for yeals
with a painful event which occuned in the past. An effective combina-
tion itual may include.itual actions of letting go in combination with
giving and rcceiving actions common to celebration dtuals. Such a com-
bination dtual would mark the healing of an eveflt and an old interac-
tional process, as well as the beginning of a new intemction and a renewed
commitment io rhe relationship.
The extent to which ritual themes and actions arc combined iltto an
elaborate ritual depends upon the diveNity of the issues and the design,
ing skills of the therapist. The signing of a "health" document by every
member ofthe family after Biving and receiving gifts al a party celebmt
ing the burial of all the labels and belief.s about the "unlealthy" member
might be an appropriate ritual. Such a ritual would address concepts from
all five of the theme categories and ulilize several different types of
symbolic acdons. With an understanding of therapeutic jssues, lhe itual
theme categodes, the desigfl ingredients. and the symbolic actions, de
sigfling rituals combining different themes and acions becorres possible.
Use of Teams
Although working in teams is certainly not required to dcsign thcmpeutic
tuals, it does provide the opportunity to gain idcns and conccpts bcyond
one's own experience. The sharing of rituals whidr h:rvc bocn a pilfl ol'
(il II)IILINES TO DESIGN,NG THERAPEUTIC RITUALS 1lt
lrirnl membeN' experiences is a rich source of data to be incorporated
ill lhc design process. A "team" source which probably has been under
olilized has been the family membem or individuals in treatment.
As rEA\'r. I believe that as my colleagues and myself have
^NILY in designing rituals, there has been greater collaborntion with
rvolved
irnrilies regarding their input iDto the design of any intervention, includ-
irg rituals. Previously, we were inclined to leave for an interscssion
lrrcak. design a ritual, and then retum lo the family and prescribe it with
olr( any assistance from lamily members. Curendy, we arc more likely
lo discuss, both directly and through circular questions in the presence
oi the family, their thoughts and ideas about doing a ritual. whether the
rilual should be done at all becomes a collaborative effol1 between the fam-
lly or individual and the therapist/tearn. Frequently this process not only
results in collaboratively designing a ritual that "fits" the family better,
lnrl also provides immediate feedback fbr acceptance or rejcction of cx
isling systemic hypotheses.
(.ONCLUSIONS
'l'his chapter was desigoed to ofTer principles and guidelines for the con-
slruction of "tailor-made" therapeutic rituals thal meel the unique needs
ol cach family, couple, or individual. While the emphasis has been
l)laced upon the elements and ritual techniques and symbolic actions
nceded to create the ritual, it is important to remember that the process
ol preparing 1() peforn1 the ritual is therapeutic as well. The graduate
srudent asked 10 bing in symbols of the positive and negative aspects of
his drinking is having to examine his behavjor as he is preparing fbr
ncw, yet to be designed ntuals. Although there is uncertainty as to the
cxrcl nature of the dtuals, it is certain that they will be designed 10
include all of ihe common elements, some ilual techniques or symbolic
Irctions, and an jngredient or two flom lhe other design considerations. I
rm certajn of this because I ask myself questions rclated to the three
calcgories each time I design a ritual.
For example- wilh the student concemed about his drinking, questions
aboul Calegory l, design elements, might include:
l. Does the student fccl good aboul his choices of sl,mbols and do they
capture the meaDing ol thc positive and negative aspects ol his ddrking l
2_ What would bc Llre best place to pertbrm an initial ritual and does ir
nrcludc both opcn and closed aspects and how are these enphasizedl
 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY TT]ERAPY CUIDELINES To DESIGNING THERAPEUTIC RITUALS lrg

Ptrpp, P. (1984). The deative ieap: The links between clinical and artislic cEativitv. L. Faftiry
Possible questions which reflect Category tr, dtual techniques and Theron Nerea*e. 815),20 29,
symbolic actions, might include: Sclrar, W., & Selrzer. M. (1983), Material, nyth, and magic: A cultu8l appro n b fanilv thetapv.
F Mib P rcces, 22(l), 3- t4.
1. Which of the symbols could be go of most easily and through Sclvini Pahz;o[, M. (19?4). S.Uatooatid: Fra the int.aPqchic to the ttaasPersono] aPpru@h
1er
ta arcterja neruosa- L@d@: Cbaucer Poblkhhg.
which ritualized actions? Sclvini Paldrcli, M.. Boscolo. L., c€€hin, G., & ftata, c. (1977). Fmilv dtuals: A po$ertul lool
2. Would it be helpful to have him document all of rhe symbols on in fmily thenpr. Fa,ib Prccesr, 7d. '145-'153
sclvini Palazoli. M.. Bosolo. L,, cecchin, G., & Prata. G. (19?8d)- Parcdoa ahd countery,tadaa.
auaLotape so that he could listen to this recording ar different intervals
New York Jason Aro.so..
when he chose to alrinl(? sclvini Palazdlj. M.. Boscolo. L,, cemhin, G., & Pala, G. (19?8b). A ritnalized pEscnpdon i.
ldily therapy: Odd days md even days. t.rmal of Ma.riose and Fanil, Cou$eLine 4
Category III, other design considerations, could be considered by 39.
Tonm, K. (1984), One peispeclive o, the Milan systemic appmach: PaIl II. De$ription of se$ion
questions such as: fomt, inteflie;inc;tyb dd intPNeanans Ja mal al MantuL onn FMilv TheraPv tq.3).
253-2.71.
1. Do€s the ritual reflect the dichotomy of the posirive and negative vM dcr Ean, O. (1983). rR,rrais it pt!.hotheruP!: Tt@sition md .,,rin!il}. NeN York: Ireingtod
aspects of his drinking, and should it include alremarions?
Wdzlawick, P., Weakland. J , & Fi$h, R. (1974). Cndnsei Pri,ciPbs ol probled landtid and
2. Wlat would happen if after each time he finished a ddnk he \rere prDrLu /erol,ri,,. New Yoikr Norton.
asked to stand in front of a mirror for a minute, decide whether he woeks,'G.. & L'Abate, L. (1982), Paladoncot pslchothetupJ: Theort and Prdctice with indiri,luals,
c.uples, ond faniLie!. NeN \o*: Brun.erlM*I.
wanted another drink, and then put on a T-shirt which had a posirive
or negative symbol on it. (This has potential!)

Honesdy, it is interesting what just happened. I'm dead serious ! Right

now, the idea of using T-shirts just came to me as I was asking myself
questions related to Category Itr. Just listing possible questions which
reflected concepts from each of the thrce categories has helped to plo-
vide a lot of direction to a previously unknown dtual. Become familiar
with the categodes listed in Table 3.1 and use it as a guide to generate
questions to be asked of yourself and of your famiLies, couples, and indi-
viduals, and you, too, will be desigrdng creative therapeutic rituals.

REFERENCES
A.doltt, M. 11919). Fonil, th.rup!: An intetrctiotul appt@ch. New York Plenum Press,
Imbd Black, E. (1986). Toward a esoure nodel in systemlc imily therapy. Ir M- A. Karpel
{Pn,). Fanib rctuurces: The hild.n panret in fahib therap! Gp, 148 174), New Yort:

hbeFBlact, E, (1988a). Ccl€braiing rhe uneleb&ted. rh. Fanil! Therup! Netuo*er, 12(t).
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