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Mrs. Mary Carl

Medical Resident
Medical Department Commented [A1]: Medicine
Carl's hospital Commented [A2]: Hospital
San Diego

9 November 2023

Dear Mrs. Carl,

Re: Mr. Ross sergio , DOB: 13 March 1969 Commented [A3]: Sergio

I am writing this to transfer Mr. Ross Sergio to your department, who has underwent a
left hip arthroplasty for left femoral head necrosis and osteoarthritic changes of hip, for Commented [A4]: of the hip
further care and monitoring of patient.

Mr. Sergio is handling staff at an airport baggage. He had left hip pain and has
hypertension from the last 8 and 13 years, respectively. He smokes 10 packs a year, Commented [A5]: for
and has positive family history of gangrene and asthma. Commented [A6]: a positive

On 3 February 2022, Mr. Sergio initially presented with complaints of left hip pain, an
antalgic with reduced stance on left side. Examination revealed, tenderness along left Commented [A7]: an examination
anterior hip joint. An x-ray was advised, and report showed avascular necrotic lesion
involving 60% of femoral head as well as osteoarthritic changes of left hip with similar Commented [A8]: the left hip
changes evident on MRI.

On 6 February 2022, Mr. Sergio was operated for left tootal hip arthroplasty with Commented [A9]: total
implants of acetabular cetabular shell 60 mm with a 6.5 mm x 30 mm cancellous screw
with ceramic femoral head 36 mm 0-degree polyethylene with 127-degree neck angle
hip stem. His surgery was uneventful, and was commenced on Amlodipine 10 mg Commented [A10]: he was
mane, oxytocin 80 mg 2 times per day, acetaminophen 650 mg three times per day and Commented [A11]: a
aspirin 325 mg 2 times a day.

It would be highly appreciated, if you provide further care to Mr Sergio. He needs neck
abduction pillow, monitoring and supervision of patient's progress and sutures to be
removed after 2 weeks. Commented [A12]: suture removal
Should there be any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely,
Doctor

Report
Word Length 245
Comments 1. The purpose is not immediately apparent in the
introduction, and is not clearly explained in the
conclusion.
2. The letter lacks conciseness.
3. The letter is too long, try to write 180-200 words only.
4. An attempt to organize the content logically is seen, but
order of information and paragraphing need a little bit
improvement in places.
5. In addition, there are minor inaccuracies related to
vocabulary, basic grammar and sentence structure.
6. Overall, the letter needs some improvement.
Estimated Grade C+
Estimated Score 340/500
Advice 1. Convey the purpose of the document generally in the
introduction.
2. Always read and select case notes carefully.
3. Avoid basic grammar errors.
4. Improve choice of words.
5. Improve the structure of sentences.
6. Improve coherence/paragraphing.
7. Always proofread the letter after finishing it.
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