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Glitch To The White House Behind Protective Metal Bars
Glitch To The White House Behind Protective Metal Bars
Glitch To The White House Behind Protective Metal Bars
A worker is transporting a Lost and Found carriage through the floor. A middle-aged senator
comes out the bottom of a black transport tube with the letter "X" on it. He's currently on a
phone call.
Lost and Found
Good morning, Senator!
Worker
Revenues and uh- (transforms into a lizard and yelps, then continues phone
Senator
call)
Cut to Reagan and Rand walking through the hallway from the view of the Weather Department.
Gerald from Accounting is unable to get the Rain Maker 47Q5 to shut off its thunderstorm.
Reagan You can't tell people the weather is controlled by Gerald from Accounting...
A lightning bolt strikes him and the tablet he was controlling the weather with. Cut to the
Financial Department, where five men in black hooded robes are sat around a goat, with the
pentagram drawn on the table and four lit candles over it.
Reagan ...or that the Dow Jones is controlled by blood sacrifices.
Hooded Robe Shares of JPMorgan Chase, up to 14 points! (slices the goat's head off to a
Man pool of blood) Woo!
Cut to Reagan and Rand walking through laboratory where a fusion reactor is turned on.
Rand Rules, Rules, Rules. When did this become such a boring place to work?
A worker falls into the fusion reaction and gets sliced in half. His legs are still moving. An
alarm starts blaring. Cut to the hallway where we see Steve, an unborn baby in a water
container, with three eyes working on his small laptop.
Steve Morning, Dr. Ridley.
Both Rand and
(monotonous) Hi, Steve.
Reagan
Rand Fucking brown-noser.
Steve gives Rand a mean side-eye look and then continues working.
And most importantly, you absolutely cannot tell people that we are replacing
Reagan
the President with a robot, okay?
Cut to Rand and Reagan arriving at Ridley Labs. Reagan points at a dark shadow, and the
lights dramatically turn on to reveal ROBOTUS in an authentic presidential office set in faux-
daylight.
Rand Aw, don't be so uptight.
Rand pulls out a vodka from under his robe while Reagan is talking.
Uptight?! You almost exposed the Deep State because you wanted a ride to
Reagan
Wetzel's Pretzels! You're lucky I called the snipers off.
Gary points a laser aim at Rand's forehead from off-screen. Rand casually throws the vodka at
the wall behind him, and it breaks.
Gary, no, no. (laser now points at Reagan's forehead) Ha, ha. Save it for
Reagan
stand-up night, Gary.
The laser disappears. An intern happens to pass by.
Shit, I'm late. Hey, intern guy. Take my dad home. If he gives you any
Reagan
trouble, (pulls out a taser from her pocket) don't be afraid to lightly tase him.
The intern is handed the taser and approaches Rand. Rand immediately pushes him back with a
backhand slap.
Rand Do it. I fucking dare you. Do you know who I am?
Rand walks toward a poster of Rand Ridley with J.R. Scheimpough in their younger years.
Rand I'm Rand Motherfucking Ridley, and I used to run this company.
Cut to Reagan walking towards a spot with bright and dramatic lighting, with a smile and her
arms on her hips.
And soon, I will be running it. (turns around, to the Intern) Nothing higher
Reagan
than a three!
Rand is being tased and escorted out of the building.
A worker is transporting a Lost and Found carriage through the floor. A middle-aged senator
comes out the bottom of a black transport tube with the letter "X" on it. He's currently on a
phone call.
Lost and Found
Good morning, Senator!
Worker
Revenues and uh- (transforms into a lizard and yelps, then continues phone
Senator
call)
Cut to Reagan and Rand walking through the hallway from the view of the Weather Department.
Gerald from Accounting is unable to get the Rain Maker 47Q5 to shut off its thunderstorm.
Reagan You can't tell people the weather is controlled by Gerald from Accounting...
A lightning bolt strikes him and the tablet he was controlling the weather with. Cut to the
Financial Department, where five men in black hooded robes are sat around a goat, with the
pentagram drawn on the table and four lit candles over it.
Reagan ...or that the Dow Jones is controlled by blood sacrifices.
Hooded Robe Shares of JPMorgan Chase, up to 14 points! (slices the goat's head off to a
Man pool of blood) Woo!
Cut to Reagan and Rand walking through laboratory where a fusion reactor is turned on.
Rand Rules, Rules, Rules. When did this become such a boring place to work?
A worker falls into the fusion reaction and gets sliced in half. His legs are still moving. An
alarm starts blaring. Cut to the hallway where we see Steve, an unborn baby in a water
container, with three eyes working on his small laptop.
Steve Morning, Dr. Ridley.
Both Rand and
(monotonous) Hi, Steve.
Reagan
Rand Fucking brown-noser.
Steve gives Rand a mean side-eye look and then continues working.
And most importantly, you absolutely cannot tell people that we are replacing
Reagan
the President with a robot, okay?
Cut to Rand and Reagan arriving at Ridley Labs. Reagan points at a dark shadow, and the
lights dramatically turn on to reveal ROBOTUS in an authentic presidential office set in faux-
daylight.
Rand Aw, don't be so uptight.
Rand pulls out a vodka from under his robe while Reagan is talking.
Uptight?! You almost exposed the Deep State because you wanted a ride to
Reagan
Wetzel's Pretzels! You're lucky I called the snipers off.
Gary points a laser aim at Rand's forehead from off-screen. Rand casually throws the vodka at
the wall behind him, and it breaks.
Gary, no, no. (laser now points at Reagan's forehead) Ha, ha. Save it for
Reagan
stand-up night, Gary.
The laser disappears. An intern happens to pass by.
Shit, I'm late. Hey, intern guy. Take my dad home. If he gives you any
Reagan
trouble, (pulls out a taser from her pocket) don't be afraid to lightly tase him.
The intern is handed the taser and approaches Rand. Rand immediately pushes him back with a
backhand slap.
Rand Do it. I fucking dare you. Do you know who I am?
Rand walks toward a poster of Rand Ridley with J.R. Scheimpough in their younger years.
Rand I'm Rand Motherfucking Ridley, and I used to run this company.
Cut to Reagan walking towards a spot with bright and dramatic lighting, with a smile and her
arms on her hips.
And soon, I will be running it. (turns around, to the Intern) Nothing higher
Reagan
than a three!
Rand is being tased and escorted out of the building.
Rand Ow!
Reagan Later, Dad!
Rand Oh! Motherfucker!
Cut to Theme song.
Reagan arrives to the office.
Alright, Let's just get right into it. Jesus, Can we turn on the lights for once? (Turns on
Reagan
the lights)
The team groans.
Myc Boo.
Andre Some of us have hangovers, all right?
Oh, I'm so sorry, Andre. Is your Molly comedown relevant to global security? Guys,
We are shadow-running the free world here. Let's try to take this job seriously. As you
recall, The candidate that we backed in the last election won, But turned out to be too
Reagan
dumb to manipulate. But thanks to my new sick invention, The Deep State will finally
have a president we can control. Ah, Look at that thing. I'm a genius! Anyway, This is
our biggest job yet, So get your shit together. That means no huffing chemtrails-
Andre (huffing a chemtrail) Whassat?
Reagan ...No using drones to spy on your ex-wife.
Glenn Hey, you don't know what she's capable of.
Reagan And no taking selfies on the moon-landing set.
Gigi (laughs) Top secret isn't a thing for eights and above, Reagan.
Myc Yeah, You're not the boss of us.
Reagan Actually, as 12 p.m. today, I'm literally going to be the boss of all of you.
Everyone groans.
!Reagan |... and I'm gonna ban groaning, No more group groaning. |-
!Reagan | That's right, You get 'em all out while you still can. |-
|colspan=2 align=center|Reagan ricochets a rubber globe over the table. Cut to J.R talking to
Oprah on a phone. |-
!J.R | Oh you are so funny, I could just assassinate you. (laughs) No, really, I could do it. My
finger's hovering over the button. (laughs) Oh, oh, I'm about to press-- Oop, I'm about to press --
Oop, We have fun Oprah. Kiss, kiss, Bye! |-
!!J.R | Ah, There she is. Reagan Ridley, Child prodigy, Top of MIT at age 13, I don't need to
look at your eyebags to know you've been working hard. |-
!Reagan | Thank you sir, and I am prepared for them to get deeper. |-
!J.R | Ever since your dad had his meltdown, and you took over his duties, Productivity is up and
team morale has skyrocketed. |-
!J.R | Let me finish, into the toilet. Look at your HR complaints, "Difficult", "Doesn't make eye
contact." "Says 'suck my dick' a lot for a woman." |-
!Reagan | I make eye contact, I make tons of eye contact. (Stares at J.R terrifyingly) |-
!Reagan | Look, I know you care about your work, But your intensity freaks people out. |-
|colspan=2 align=center|Flashback. |-
!Reagan | J.R, am I still getting promoted? I've worked my whole life for this job. I skipped
grades and showers, To prove that despite my dad's legacy, I can run the shit out of this office. |-
!J.R | Sure, you are so smart, But your people skills, Woof! That's why I brought in someone to
co-lead the team. |-
!J.R | Brett! You can take that silly thing off now that we microchipped you. |-
!J.R | Congratulations, Reagan. You're still getting your promotion. And so is he. |-
| |-
!Voice-Over |Ever wondered who watches you through your laptop camera? Or why there's
sometimes product placement in your dreams? (Ethical Business Practices *ⁿᵒᵗ ᵃˡʷᵃʸˢ ᵉᵗʰᶦᶜᵃˡ) |-
!Menacing Voice-Over |Since the dawn of time, The world has been ruled by a cabal of ancient
elites. |-
!Regular Voice-Over |But puppeteering the world isn't as easy as it used to be. That's why we
formed this company. To enact our overlord's mysterious whims for a better tomorrow. We are
Cognito, Inc. and we got you covered, up! |-
}}
Reagan| That's the mail room, That's the men's bathroom, That's the screening room where we
splice footage of rotting foxes into kids' cartoons.
(Children crying)
Reagan| And this is my lab, Where everything is peaceful, efficient and the thermostat is
controlled entirely by me. Someday, I hope to make the whole world like this. Efficient, that is.
Not (chuckles) Not controlled entirely by me. That would totally be egomaniacal, I would never
do that. Unless people wanted me to.
ROBOTUS (AKA The President)| The honor is mine. (in robot voice) Actor James Van Der
Beek. Reagan| This isn't the president, It's a robot replica that's gonna replace him.
Reagan| Uh, is Facebook evil? Is Starbucks evil? At least here I develop tech that could prevent
war with Atlantis. And once a year, We get free tote bags.
Brett| Honestly, I graduated Yale top of my frat, Spent some time as a lobbyist, Because I love
lobbies, and last weekend, I was at a barbecue with J.R and said he said he liked how firm my
handshake was. Next thing you know, They're throwing a bag over my head and then boom. I'm
here.
Gigi| Oh my god, Thank god you're here. You raise the hotness level at this office by at least
30%, Gigi, PR and Media Manipulation. I invented selfies to trick the country into surveilling
themselves. (chuckles)
Brett| M-hmm
Glenn| And proud of it. As the first volunteer for the man-dolphin super-soldier project, I gave
my DNA for my country. I now have the strength and intelligence of a dolphin. (struggles to
open a bag of chips and makes the sound of a dolphin.}}
Gigi| This is Myc, He's a psychic mushroom from inside Hollow Earth. He can read thoughts
though so, honey, be careful.
Andre| and I'm Andre, head of Biochem, If you like drugs, I have the stuff that gave Ronald
Reagan Alzheimer's.
Gigi| Ooh, honey, I love that. Did you come up with that?
Reagan| Myc, I'd tell you to eat shit, But I don't know, Maybe your species enjoys that. Maybe
you like eating shit. How do I know?
Myc| Alright, Look, hot stuff, I know you and me have a complicated "Will they? Won't they?"
thing going--
Reagan| We don't.
Myc| But I'm just looking out for ya. We could form a little alliance, you know. I could slip some
rat poison into his coffee, Make it look like an accident, huh?
Reagan's Plan
(The scene cuts to Reagan's house, Where Rand is changing TV channels with a remote.}}
Rand| (laughing) Check out this asshole's novelty tie. Come on Reagan, You wanna hate-watch
Cosmos with me?
Reagan| It's nothing. No, It's-It's J.R, uh, He hired a guy Brett to help co-lead the team, But it's
not a big deal.
Rand| What? I smell a coup. J.R is a snake, Reagan. He's trying to push you out of the company
just like what he did to me.
Reagan| Dad, you weren't pushed out, You were fired for getting drunk and trying to blow up the
sun.
Rand| I was gonna cure skin cancer. These people don't respect genius. There's always a Brett
trying to steal our glory, If you don't get rid of him, It'll be you wearing these Cheeto-stained
sweatpants. You need a plan, Let me check your code.
Reagan| (groans) I have a plan, I'm gonna make the best goddamn AI they've ever seen. Once we
launch ROBOTUS, Then they'll see that I don't need a co-leader, and that eye contact is
overrated. (Puts her laptop in her bag and ROBOTUS' head.}}
Reagan| Ugh, It's okay. Forget about Brett. My work will speak for itself.
ROBOTUS| (in the bag) Did you say "Brett"? I love that guy.
Reagan| Good morning, Mr. President. Would you like some coffee?
ROBOTUS| You betcha, Sweetheart. And I'll take a little sugar with that, If you know what I
mean. (winks and slaps Reagan's butt)
Reagan| As you can see, I've gone above and beyond. Now ROBOTUS is just as insufferable as
the real thing.
J.R| How long have you been watching, Your Robenesses, sirs?
The Shadow Board| We're always watching. Very impressive. But is there any danger that is
goes rogue on us? You know, like Terminator. Yes first thing I thought, (Indeed)
Reagan| Oh, don't worry, He isn't self-aware, His brain is just a slurry of Super Bowl
commercials and Aaron Sorkin dialogue.
ROBOTUS| We've fought damn hard to get where we are, But the American people can fight a
lot damn harder.
The Shadow Board| That´ll do wonders for my back. How soon can we launch?
Reagan| Right away. We´re swapping him out at the United Nations vote on barley prices. Even
C-SPAN 15´s not gonna be watching that shit.
The Shadow Board| Your team has done excellent work, J.R.. I see a robe and a creepily
disguised voice in your future.
(J.R. is interrupted by the sound of a horn blaring, Brett enters the room)
(All gasp)
Glenn| Bagels.
J.R.| Brett, no one has ever gone above and beyond like this.
Reagan| Just so we´re clear, I literally solved artificial intelligence this morning.
J.R.| Brett´s second day at work, and productivity has already gone up 200%.
The Shadow Board| We are most pleased. We will not soon forget the name "Brett.".
(Reagan distances herself from her coworkers and angrily punches a window of the replica of the
President´s office. This causes a mechanical arm to pour coffee over her.}}
In Brett's Office
(The scene cuts to Brett, who is putting together a football table in his office)
Brett| Oh, hey, Reagan. Great job today. You really killed whatever we were doing in there.
Brett| I did? Okay, phew. (chuckles) I just really wanna make a good impression. No one´s given
me anything to do yet, and I got a lot of nervous energy.
Reagan| Uh-oh. This job can be a lot of pressure for nervous types. Ninety percent of recruits
have a mental breakdown in their first week. Look, someone just cracked now.
(Through a window, Reagan and Brett observe an unnamed employee who is having a mental
breakdown and is being dragged away by security personnel)
(The employee breaks free and steals a laser gun, enabling him to go on a brief rampage before
being restrained by one of the guards who were escorting him)
Reagan| If I were you, I´d get out while you still can. (whispers) Before the darkness consumes
you.
Brett| Always stay positive, even when things are negative, because a negative plus a positive is
better than nothing.
Reagan| No, it´s literally nothing. They cancel each other out.
(In the background, an explosion occurs, but goes unnoticed by Brett and Reagan.}}
Brett| (chuckles) Sorry, just got a snap from J.R. . That dude´s hilarious.}} !Brett takes a few
selfies.] | |-
!Reagan | (to herself) He's overselling the harmless idiot thing. Who do you really work for,
Brett Hand? |-
|colspan=2 align=center|(UNFINISHED) |-