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Co­founder, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Is Self­Compassion More
Important Than Self­Esteem?
Posted: 12/17/2014 12:09 pm EST Updated: 12/17/2014 12:59 pm EST

Is it important to love yourself?

It seems that depends on how you do it.

Few concepts in popular psychology have gotten more attention over the last few
decades than self­esteem and its importance in life success and long­term mental
health. Of course, much of this discussion has focused on young people, and how
families, parents, teachers, coaches, and mentors can provide the proper
psychological environment to help them grow into functional, mature, mentally stable
adults.

Research shows that low self­esteem correlates with poorer mental health outcomes
across the board1, increased likelihood of suicide attempts2, and difficulty developing
supportive social relationships.3 Research also shows that trying to raise low self­
esteem artificially comes with its own set of problems, including tendencies toward
narcissism, antisocial behavior4, and avoiding challenging activities that may threaten
one's self­concept.5

This division in the research has led to a division amongst psychologists about how
important self­esteem is, whether or not it's useful to help people improve their self­
esteem, and what the best practices are for accomplishing that.
In one camp, you have people who believe improving self­esteem is of paramount
importance. On the other side of the fence are those who feel the whole concept of
self­esteem is overrated and that it's more critical to develop realistic perceptions
about oneself.

But what if we've been asking the wrong questions all along? What if the self­esteem
discussion is like the proverbial finger pointing at the moon?

New research is suggesting this may indeed be the case, and that a new concept ­­ self­
compassion ­­ could be vastly more important than self­esteem when it comes to long­
term mental health and success.

Why the Self­Esteem Model Is Flawed

The root problem with the self­esteem model comes down to some fundamental
realities about language and cognition that Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
(ACT, pronounced all as one word) was designed to address.

The way psychologists classically treat issues with self­esteem is by having clients
track their internal dialog ­­ especially their negative self talk ­­ and then employ a
number of tactics to counter those negative statements with more positive (or at least
more realistic) ones. Others attempt to stop the thoughts, distract themselves from
them, or to self sooth.

Put bluntly, these techniques don't work very well. The ACT research community has
shown this over and over again. There are many reasons that techniques like
distraction and thought stopping tend not to work ­­ too many to go into all of them
here. For a full discussion you can see my professional book Acceptance and
Commitment Therapy or my trade book Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life.
For the purposes of our discussion here, we will look at one aspect of this: How
fighting a thought increases its believability.

Imagine a young person has the thought, "There is something wrong with me." The
classic rhetoric of self­esteem forces this person to take the thought seriously. After all
he or she has likely been taught that having good self­esteem is important and
essential for success in life. If they fight against the thought by countering it, however,
that means the thought is confirmed. The thought is itself something that is wrong
with the individual and has to change. Every time they struggle against it, the noose
just gets tighter as the thought is reconfirmed. The more they fight the thought, the
more power they give it.

This is a classic example of why in ACT we say, "If you are not willing to have it, you
do."

The simple fact is, we can't always prevent young people from experiencing insecurity
and low self­esteem. Heck, we can't eliminate those feelings in ourselves. All people
feel inadequate or imperfect at times. And in an ever­evolving, ever­more complex
world, there is simply no way we can protect our young people from events that ADVERTISEMENT
threaten their self­esteem ­­ events like social rejection, family problems, personal
failures, and others.

What we can do is help young people to respond to those difficult situations and to
self­doubt with self­compassion. And a couple of interesting studies that were recently
published show that this may indeed offer a more useful way forward not only for
young people, but for all of us.

What Is Self­Compassion?

Before we look at the studies, let's take a moment to define self­compassion.

Dr. Kirstin Neff, one of the premier researchers in this area, defines self­compassion
as consisting of three key components during times of personal suffering and failure:

1. Treating oneself kindly.

2. Recognizing one's struggles as part of the shared human experience. FROM OUR PARTNERS
3. Holding one's painful thoughts and feelings in mindful awareness.

Given this context, the negativity or positivity of your thoughts isn't what's important.
It's how you respond to those thoughts that matters. Going back to the example above
­­ "There is something wrong with me" ­­ instead of fighting against that thought or
trying to distract yourself from it, you could notice this thought without getting
attached to it (become mindful), understand that it is common to all humans and part
of our shared experience as people, and then treat yourself kindly instead of beating (http://www.zergnet.com/i/335975/23132/0/0/15288428)
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Does this approach really work better than simply improving self­esteem?

It seems it does.

A just­published longitudinal study that followed 2,448 ninth graders for a year found
that low self­esteem had little effect on mental health in those who had the highest
levels of self­compassion. That means that even if they had negative thoughts, those
thoughts had minimal impact on their sense of well­being over time as compared to (http://www.zergnet.com/i/245666/23132/0/0/15288428)
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compassionate may have more benefit than simply trying to improve their self­
PRESENTED BY TOYOTA
esteem.

The question is: How do we do that?

As it turns out, this is exactly where ACT excels.

Using ACT to Enhance Self­Compassion

Knowing that enhancing self­compassion has been shown not only to mitigate
problems with self­esteem, but also impacts other conditions including traumatic
stress, a student of mine, Jamie Yadavaia, decided to see in his doctoral project if we
could enhance self­compassion using ACT.7
(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/16/bold­
The results were promising. health­decisions­you_n_5882102.html)

Bold Health Decisions You Should

We took a group of 78 students 18 years or older and randomized them into one of
Be Making IMMEDIATELY, And The
two groups. The first group was put in a "waitlist condition" which basically means
Simple Reasons Why
they received no treatment. The other group was provided with six hours of ACT
(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/16/bold­
training.
health­decisions­
you_n_5882102.html)
As we anticipated, ACT intervention led to substantial increases in self­compassion
over the waitlist control post­treatment and two months after the intervention. In this Quick Read
(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/16/bold­
group self­compassion increased 106 percent ­­ an effect size comparable to far longer health­decisions­you_n_5882102.html) |
treatments previously published. Not only that, but the ACT treatment reduced Comments
general psychological distress, depression, anxiety, and stress. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/16/bold­
health­decisions­
you_n_5882102.html#comments) |
At the heart of all these changes was psychological flexibility, this skill seemed to be 12.17.2014
the key mediating factor across the board, which makes sense. After all, learning how
to become less attached to your thoughts, hold them in mindful awareness, and
respond to them with a broader repertoire of skills ­­ like self­kindness, for example ­­
has not only been posited in the self­compassion literature as a core feature of mental SUGGESTED FOR YOU
health but proven time and again in the ACT research as essential for it.

Taken together these studies have an important lesson to teach all of us. 2. Homeless Man Offers Student All
His Money To Get Her A Taxi. Now
It's time for us to put down the idea that we have to think well of ourselves at all times She's Thanking Him In A Big Way.
to be mature, successful, functional, mentally healthy individuals. Indeed, this toxic
idea can foster a kind of narcissistic ego­based self­story that is bound to blow up on
us. Instead of increasing self­esteem content what we need to do is increase self­
compassion as the context of all we do. That deflates ego­based self­stories, as we
humbly accept our place as one amongst our fellow human beings, mindfully
acknowledging that we all have self­doubt, we all suffer, we all fail from time to time,
but none of that means we can't live a life of meaning, purpose, and compassion for 3 days ago huffingtonpost.com
ourselves and others. HuffingtonPost.com (AOL)
Dominique Mosbergen Dominique
Teach that to our young people, and we will have provided them a real skill they can Mosbergen dominique harrison­
bentzen
use in the real world all their lives.
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References
expectations
1
Orth, U., Robins, R. W., & Meier, L. J. (2009). Disentangling the effects of low self­
esteem and stressful events on depression: Findings from three longitudinal studies
(http://psycnet.apa.org/?&fa=main.doiLanding&doi=10.1037/a0015645).
Personality Processes and Individual Differences. 97(2), 307­321

2
Wichstrøm, L. (2000). Predictors of adolescent suicide attempts: A nationally
representative longitudinal study of Norwegian adolescents. 5 days ago today.com (sponsored)
Ree Hines Ree Hines Prince William
(http://www.jaacap.com/article/S0890­8567(09)66220­1/abstract) Journal of the
3. McDonald's To Remove 8 Items
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. 39(5), 603­610. From Its Menu. Wean Yourselves
3 Now, America.
Marshall, S. L., Parker, P. D., Ciarrochi, J., & Heaven, P. C. L. (2014). Is self­esteem
a cause or consequence of social support? A four year longitudinal study.
(http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/cdev.12176/abstract;jsessionid=494959F7EBE2C164B95FC05D3704B1A8.f02t02)
Child Development. 85(3), 1275­1291.

4
Baumeister, R. F., Smart, L., & Boden, J. M. (1996). Relation of threatened egotism
to violence and aggression: The dark side of self­esteem (http://psycnet.apa.org/?
&fa=main.doiLanding&doi=10.1037/0033­295X.103.1.5). Psychological Review. 1, 4 days ago huffingtonpost.com AOL
Forex Carly Ledbetter Carly
5­33.
Ledbetter mcdonald's profits
5 4. 8 Surprising (And Scientifically
Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for intelligence can undermine
Proven) Things That Lead To A
children's motivation and performance. (http://psycnet.apa.org/? Lasting Marriage
&fa=main.doiLanding&doi=10.1037/0022­3514.75.1.33) Journal of Personality and
Social Psychology. 75(1), 33­52.

6
6
Mashall, S. et al. Self­compassion protects against the negative effects of low self­
esteem : A longitudinal study in a large adolescent sample 6 days ago huffingtonpost.com
HuffingtonPost.com (AOL) Amanda
(http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886914005157).
Scherker Amanda Scherker Most
Personality and Individual Differences. 74(2015): 116­121. Popular on HuffPost
7
5. Illustrations Reveal The Truth
Yadavaia, J., Hayes, S., and Vilardaga, R. Using acceptance and commitment About Being A Single 20­Something
therapy to increase self­compassion. A randomized controlled trial.
(http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2212144714000763) Journal of
Contextual Behavioral Science. October 2015. 3(4): 248­257.

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Dennis Tirch · Follow · Assistant Clinical Professor at Weill Cornell Medical College of
Cornell University
We in the ACT community have been working with compassion and self­compassion
with great enthusiasm, and are aiming to put the tools for developing compassion in
therapists hands. This book provides a road map for integrating the Science of
Compassion into ACT ­ http://www.amazon.com/Practitioners­Guide­Science­
Compassion­Psychological/dp/1626250553/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1418
926123&sr=8­1&keywords=dennis+tirch&pebp=1418926136029
Reply · Like · 1 · Follow Post · December 18 at 4:09pm

Walter Matweychuk · Follow · Licensed Psychologist at University of Pennsylvania

School of Medicine
In Albert Ellis’s Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) we have been teaching for
a long time the perils of self­esteem and helping people develop unconditional self­
acceptance. If people were taught unconditional self­acceptance they would not add to
their pain when social rejection, family problems, and personal failures inevitably
occur. If you look hard enough all fallible humans have ‘something’ wrong with each
one of them. Instead of reinventing the wheel or nuanced new constructs let’s
compassionately teach REBT’s concept of unconditional self –acceptance and give
proper credit to Dr. Ellis. Let’s teach people to only see their failures and faults for what
they are, evidence of their fallibility. With this recognition and self­acceptance people
can then strive to change what can be changed and learn to gracefully accept what
cannot be changed.
Reply · Like · 1 · Follow Post · December 19 at 6:09pm

Life is Frightening
Interesting stuff, but self­compassion can have its pitfalls too, as I reveal in a recent
blog post: http://www.lifeisfrightening.com/blog/2014/11/27/self­compassion
Reply · Like · Follow Post · December 17 at 7:58pm

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