,

Jim Kirk's eyes were soft, catching a flicker now and then from the dim I
light in his quarters. He sat quietly, thinking, as the strains of his favor-
i ite classical music played in the background. Just loud enough to ease his
"nerves, letting him relax from a so-so shift on the bridge. Enterprise was I
bound fot;' the system K-ming near the edge of the Spiral to do some routine
exploration and investigation. The Fleet was curious about the bio-systems
of the three planets said to revolve around that ~tar. He sighed. Even at
warp speed, this had been a long journey and he was glad. It was almost three I
months, ship time, since the near-tragedy in the Minara system. The alien
Vians had tortured him and nearly killed McCoy. And after that - well - he'd
had enough adventure for a while. I
The music stopped. He straightened in his chair and looked about in the
semi-darkness, only half-remembering what it was he'd been doing at his desk.
Then he smiled and once again flicked on his recorder. I-
Suddenly, the buzz of his deskcommsounded. With an irritated slap, he
switched off the recorder once again and released his commfrom "privacy" to'
"voice." .

"Yes?" he said, not trying to hide his frustration. I

. "Itls me, Jim." McCoy's voice sounded muffled at first, then cleared.
"You 'bout ready for the vi ewing? Bel i eve it or not I talked Mr. Spock into
joining us." I
'11No k i dd i ng. . . . II

. "Yep. Think he got curious when I told him it was an ancient Terran
science fi1m."
"Bones," Kirk moaned. I
"Well? I knew that'd catch him. You and I both know he's a closet Earth
history buff. II
>' Kirk grinned broadly. It was no use. When it came to Spock, Dr. I,
v Leonard McCoywould always be a naughty little kid trying to tease big brother.
"But Bones," Kirk said as sternly as he could manage. "2001: A Space
Odyssey is fiction. Science fiction." I
"So? It's still a c1assic." McCoy's voice muffled again and Kirk
realized he was probably dressing and talking at the same time. Poor Bones,
Kirk thought. Always rushing lately, like he's trying to get away before
someone locks the door. I
"C1assic or not, II Kirk insisted, "he'll walk out in the first five min-
utes when he discovers you've p~lled one over on him."
Kirk leaned back in the darkness, amused at the silence that came from I
hi s comm. Hecou1d almost hear McCoy's most wicked thoughts cl icking aloud.
"Think so?" the doctor said at last. He sounded genuinely thoughtful.
"Think I blew it?"
IWel1..." Kirk's smile faded unconsciously as he leaned towards his I
desk comm. For a sp1 it second he thought he sensed something "off" in
McCoy's voice, but he dismissed it as he replied. "I wouldn't count on
Spock's sitting through the whole thing." I
"Well." McCoywas nevertheless happy with his trickery. "At least it'll
get him away from that damn computer for a while. Do him some good, don't
you think?" I
"Umm...yes. II

114
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 That seemed to be enough for McCoy. uSee ya in about five minutes, then?
In Rec?"
uFive minutes," Kirk agreed. He flicked off the command tried once
again to finish recording his personal log. He was updating it, actually,
trying to fill in gaps that had been overlooked. Personal diaries were not
his strong point, but Fleet had required that he, along with the other Enter-
prise officers, keep some kind of personal record of their feelings, experi-
ences during the five-year mission. He often let this duty go too long and
had to do "make up work" to get it back: in shape, but this time, he'd let it
go a bit too long. At least the part about the Vians and Minara. He'd been
avoiding it. And he knew that, in itself, could be a very dangerous thing
in this case. Minara hadn't been just another adventure to him. It had been
the single longest nightmare of his mission. He took a good deal of time to
think before speaking agai.n into the recorder. It was hard to remember just
where he'd left off.
"Maybe...maybe I could have done something to avoid...11 He took a long
breath and tried again~IIThe Vians are highly intelligent beings, as I've
said before. As a matter of fact, it seems to me that I repeat that a lot.
Am I trying to convince myself of something? What they did, they did. And
they did it for reasons...from a perspective that is not human. It's...I...
it's hard for us to understand. For me to understand. Bones was...well, they
tore him up. It makes me very, very angry when I think about that.1I He
stopped and leaned back, his fists tightening on his knees. "I think it was
a shock to both Mr. Spock and myself to see Bones that way. The Vians had
him for such a long time before we finally got to him, and then we found him
ha.nging there like that...!...11 He slowly unclenched his fists and rubbed
sweat from his palms. It always worked this way, every time he tried re-
counting Minara. He wondered how McCoyhandled it. "Bones doesn't speak of
it, but sometimes I could swear...I don't know...that I see something in his
eyes, or pick up something in his voice. I mean, what h~'went through...
Howdoes a man's memory deal with a thing like that?1I
He felt a sudden chill in the darkness and, looking at the time, flipped
off the recorder. There was all the time in the world to take care of the
damned log, and he'd be late for the film. For a moment he thought of checking
with Spock to see he was really joining them, but then dismissed it. With
Spock, a promise was a promise. Held be there.
Evidently, as far as the very sophisticated Mr. Spock was concerned, the
movie wasn't bad. Every once in a while Kirk stole a glimpse of him in the
darkened rec showing room. He was amused, and more than a little pleased, to
see that the Vulcan was entranced by the story. It would be interesting to
hear what Spock made of it all afterward. McCoywas watching him, too, and
nudged Kirk once, wondering if Spock saw something in the film he didn't.
IIWhatdo ya think, Jim?1I McCoywhispered. IIDoes Spock identify with
Dr. Floyd or the monolith?1I
But as time spun on, the entire audience became caught up in the grand
mystery of the story, captured by its uncanny ability to speak the thoughts
of man in color and light. Even McCoysat glued to his seat during the final
scenes. In fact, Kirk noticed that the doctor had become more wrapped up in
the film than Spock. He sat back in his seat, his hands clasped tightly
on the arms of the chair, his face motionless. It was as if he was uncon-
sciously mimicking the main character, whose body and soul were being cata-
pulted through another dimension of time/space to become a new kind of man.
..

115
 .

So it came as a surprise to Kirk to find McCoymissing when the lights

came on aga in.
.
"Damn," Kirk said to Spock as they walked out into the main Rec room.
"Bones must "have been called away at the last of it.
run Sickbay a couple of hours without him."
You'd think they could
.
The Vulcan shook his head, looking around the crowded room. "I saw
him leave, Captain. It was only minutes ago, and since I saw no one approach
him with a message, I doubt "
"Captain Kirk, please respond to bridge communications." It was Uhura'"s
.
voice, paging in her business-as-usual tone, a psychological message to Kirk
that all was well and he was probably needed for some mundane problem. He
turned away from Spock in search of the nearest comm. "1111 be back in a
.
minute. I asked Uhura to let me know as soon as the Final Orders for our
mission came through. II
.
.

116 .
 Spock stood alone in the milling crowd. He was relieved, in fact, that
Kirk had been called away, as he sought to find the doctor alone for a few
minutes. He knew where he was. He'd seen two amorous-looking ensigns duck
into one of the privacy rooms behind Kirk, then dash out quickly. They'd
talked between themselves a moment, hesitating before they went on. It was
logical to assume, the Vulcan thought, that the room was occupied - and by
someone who did not want to be disturbed. He walked to the closed door and
stopped; McCoyhad been in a high mood this evening, but keyed up. Spock pre-
pared himself to be assaulted with a few harsh words, as no doubt the young
couple had been. He signaled his presence, but did not wait for permission to
ente r .
The tiny cabin was dark except for the stars that scooted by on the
window viewer, but Spock could see McCoy's form silhouetted in the milky light.
He sat, elbows on his knees, staring into the swirling eternal light. Spock
let the door close behind him.
"Beautiful, isn't it, Spock." McCoydidn't look up, but he turned his
back ever-so-slightly away from the Vu1ca. It was the kind of body language
that Spock understood, for it was Vulcan as well as human. It meant 'do not
come too near . I
Spock looked out into the collage of time and space, choosing his words
carefully. He sensed that now was not the time to encourage the debate over
Vulcan interpretation of beauty. "I have always found itoo.compelling."
"And lonely," McCoywhispered, as if to himself. He finally looked bac~
at the Vulcan, the embarrassment in his face barely hidden in the swirling
starlight. "I slipped out on you two. I'm sorry; guess I just couldn't sit
any longer. Didn't see any need to wait for all the credits to roll."
"The captain thinks you're in Sickbay." Spock kept his face to the screen,
but moved in closer. "I find the credits interesting, Doctor. In an historic
sense. II
McCoysl umped a bit and turned hi s face to the stars as well. "They're
all dead, Spock. For centuries. It makes you wonder...if it's worth it."
"It is good to know the names of those with whomyou share an experience."
"But still ..." McCoy's voice caught; he gave a hushed sigh and fell
silent.
For the first time since Minara, Spock felt a discomfort in being so \
near humankind. He closed his eyes in the darkness, recalling the pain and I
smell of death. He had touched McCoythen to help him sleep, to help him I

die. And the healer Gemhad touched him to help him live. Her superhuman \
compassion had privately shaken Spock, as had McCoy's courage. And now some-
thing about McCoy's manner, about this tiny dark room and the spreading vast-
ness of the stars, made Spock relive it all for a brief, vivid moment. There
had been no logic to Minara, and yet a great truth had come of it. Why, Spock
wondered, have I not thanked him. ---
"You'd think," McCoysaid at last, "that after all this time, lid be
over it."
Spock tensed, his fists tightening unconsciously behind his back. He
knew he was not ready - or willing - to speak of Minara, though he had often
wondered about McCoy's long hours of painful loneliness. It would have been I~
difficult for a Vulcan to bear. Nowthat it appeared that McCoywas finally
going to speak of it, it was all Spock could do to keep from stepping away.
"I mean," McCoywent on, "after all these years as a physician, all this
time in space..." He glanced back at Spock. The Vulcan could see in the

117
 starlight that his face was more relaxed. "Shoot, Spock...how long have we
been out here now?"
"Four years."
"Yeah. And after four years in space and well over a decade of Earth and
Space medical experience besides, you'd think I'd just face it. People die."
"But in their due time," Spock said. He dropped his arms to his side,
relaxed. McCoywas not speaking of the Vians...or Minara.
"But still," McCoywhispered again. He stood and looked once more to
the stars. "Who is to judge."
Spock did not answer, because he knew the question was not intended for
him. It was McCoy's own, almost internally spoken. The doctor's mood was
peculiar, as though he thought of himself as completely alone at this instant,
drifting with the stars he watched in the silent solitude of space.
Spock sensed that McCoy's separateness was too great for a. human. He
searched for a way to close in on it, even considering the mind touch for the
moment and dismissing it. It would be inappropriate; McCoywould reject it
in a typical bout of anger. But even without touching McCoy, he had a sense
of what was wrong. And despite all his Vulcan strength and commandof emotion,
he knew he was afraid.
"I doubt that Captain Kirk has been called back to the bridge," he said
fi na11y. "Would you have di nner?"
McCoystared trance-like at the screen.
"Doctor," Spoc~ repeated, "would you care for dinner?"
"Huh?" McCoyturned and smile apologetically. "You two go ahead. Maybe
I'll bump into you 'in the mess."
There was no doubt about it; in his own gentle Terran way, Dr. McCoyhad
asked Spock to leave. The Vulcan nodded and stepped to the door, hesitating
as it opened to the noise and light of the Rec. As one who often sought soli-
tude himself, he understood McCoy's mood, although he was not certain it was
healthy in this case.
nOh, Mr. Spock," a young voice called from beyond. "The captain's
looking for you! He has a "
Spock stepped out and closed McCoyinto the darkness once more. The
doctor blinked away the sting of the sudden light and went back to his seat.
He let out a deep breath, like an answer to a prayer, and rubbed his palms
against his arms.
Thank God, he thought. He looked down at his fingers and flexed the
tense muscles. Spock didn't know. They didn't tell anyone, then. It's
okay, it's okay. He leaned back and closed his eyes. They were still burning
from the tears. He wondered if he'd hear about it later, though. Wondered
if the young couple that had surprised him before Spock came in would eventually
~t: report to someone that they'd found the ship's chief surgeon sitting alone in
vr the darkness, sobbing and shaking helplessly like some child who'd just seen
a ghost.
"Damn," he whispered hoarsely. It was the third time it had happened.
And it always came on him completely by surprise. This time held been able
to disguise it, but what if it happened again. Someplace where he couldn't
hide? Howwould his captain react if his chief medical officer broke out in
sobs in the middle of an officers' briefing?
"It's all right," he whispered to himself. "I can handle it, it won't
happen again. I won't let it."
He promised himself to talk to Dr. M'Benga soon, especially if it didn't

118
clear ,up. But what would they talk about? He didn't know what was wrong,
everythingseemed okay. His job, friends - it was all just fine. He laughed
softly in the darkness. Hell, he'd sur.vivedthe Vians. He'd come out of that
like some goddamn miracle and everbody loved him for it, treating him like some
space-age hero. He was fine, all right, and he promised himself that it was
a passing thing. It would be okay. He had everything,under control.

Jim Kirk had never seen anything like it. He smiled - well, maybe he
had, but for him there was always a new exhiliration in planet discovery. And
the good ship Enterprise had indeed discovered this particular planet, a
fourth and previously uncharted body of ancient molten rock that orbited the
sun K-ming. About the size of Earth's natural moon, Spock assured Kirk that
it had once been a promising home for organic life forms - while its sun had
still been at its greatest powers.
But all things change. It looked 1 ike this planet died biologically
before it got much further than the one-celled stage. Kirk was enjoying it,
however, for its present, glassy-like molten beauty. He had wandered with
Lt. Bering from Geology into a huge, open-mouthed cave. He stood now,
watching the large red sun come up from below the blue rock ridges beyond the
mouth.
"Guess there's not much here to see, Captain," the lieutenant said. She
adjusted the vocal on her protective suit when her captain didn't respond.
"Sir?" Shall we join the others?"
Kirk could barely resist a wink. Bering was cute. Humm. He wondered
how she looked on her old thirty-nine going on eighty commanding officer.
Maybe sometime he'd. take the time to chat with her, see what goes on in the
twenty-ish minds of today. And maybe more. But for now he just turned his
heavily suited head back and forth.
"You go. I'll be out in a minute. Just want to " He could see
through her visor that there was a bit of irritated puzzlement on her face.
Dare he say it? Hell" yes, he was commander. "...enjoy this a bit longer.
Tell our science officer I'll be along shortly."
She nodded and stepped out into the rising velvet daylight. And Kirk
imagined he could tell by her step that she thought she'd never understand
what the old spacer could see in such a textbook sight as this. But he
grinned to himself and slipped comfortably down to the ground. She'd under-
stand someday. 'He remembered from his first years in space. At first it
seemed that everything was very scientific and charted out, so that even the
new things weren't new because some bright mind had already anticipated them
somewhere. Then, as time passes, it simply occurs to you that nothing is as
they think it will be; everything is fresh, challenging, undiscovered.
But most of all this place was peaceful. Untouched by man for millenia.
Forever, until this moment. The burning sun climbed higher DQW, its rays
brilliant pink i~ the sky, flitting like fine thread laser beams across the
glassy cavern floor. Kirk wished McCoy had come along, and decided to
schedule him for the next landing team. One of the first things - first
surprising things - he had learned about McCoy wh~n he grew to know him was
that the physician had an astonishing eye for detecting the beauty in alien
worlds and landscapes. Kirk hadn't expected to find that quality in a man
who was so completely "earthbound." But then, that was before Kirk had grown
to realize that as much as any man on the Enterprise, Leonard McCoy was an
explorer. Despite his facade of "dQwn home medicine," McCoy was aggressively

119
eager to "learn the un1earnab1e." In fact, it worried Kirk that McCoyhad been
so immersed in his latest research .project that he seemed to be ignoring his
own personal needs more than usual. He'd seemed to be coming out of it lately,
however, and ship's gossip had it that he'd even picked up again his relation-
ship with Lt. Devoni from Engineering. They'd been going hot and heavy (so
word had it) until just before Minara. He hoped the gossip was true, although
he hadn't seen McCoywith her himself. But at least he'd seemed in good
spirits the other night, Kirk thought. That is, until he'd skipped out on
us. Never did find out if he'd gone back to Sickbay. Hmm...the lieutenant?
There was a.friend1y tickling buzz in his headgear, and then Spock's
voice came over vocal. Would the captain be joining the landing party some
time soon? Kirk gave a sigh and got to his feet with a shrug. Count on good
01' Spock to make sure the captain isn't loafing on the job.
By~he time the captain had finished with the landing debriefing and
completed his official ship's log, he'd been technically off-duty for an hour
and thirty-five minutes. Not bad for the first day of a new research mission,
but he'd also missed lunch, and that left him famished. After closing off his
log, he headed straight for the officers' mess. To his surprise, Spock was
already there, a bowl of soup in front of him, a technical tape humming away
as he ate. Kirk didn't even take time to say hello before he collected himself
a steak dinner and settled across from the Vulcan. In what seemed to Kirk to
be a miraculous condescension to familiarity, Spock looked up from his tape.
."Good eveni ng, Captain." .
"Interesting reading?" Kirk said before his first bite. Sometimes he
wondered if Spock equated a non-studying mind with a non-functioning one.
Nevertheless, he smiled genuinely. Spock had been keeping to himself quite a
bit lately, too, and he had just made a grand gesture of friendliness.
"Quite frankly, no, Captain," Spock answered as he flicked off the tape.
"Mathematics, while a precise science, requires some imagination to function
on the theoretical level."
"Your author lacks imagination?"
The Vulcan nodded and .100ked down at his soup.
"Well," Kirk said through a bite. "Maybe next time you'll find something
with a little more pizzazz."
Spock's only response was a raise of an eyebrow.
Kirk thought better of making any more wisecracks, but he was curious
about his friend's obvious flirtation with those things generally considered
human. Not that Spock seemed "off" - the Vulcan had mellowed considerably
since the ear1y.days - but Kirk knew him well enough to know that he tended
to show his human side most when he was preoccupied with something. And he
could see that he had before him right now a very preoccupied Vulcan.
"You seemed to find the landing mission interesting enough," Kirk said
matter-of-factly, "but if you're working on something more difficult, I don't
see any need for you to personally involve yourself with the research mission.
At least, not for the next couple of weeks."
"Thank you, Captain. I will consider that."
Exasperated, the captain leaned forward. "A problem, Mr. Spock?"
At last the Vulcan looked up, his eyes searching the room to confirm
that it was empty. Despite the tightness of his expression, he did not seem
to consider the captain's question to be forward.
Determined, Kirk took another bite of steak and waited, eye to eye with
his first officer. ..

120
 Spock took a breath and began. liAs you know~ Captain~ as head of sciences
for the ship~ I am Doctor McCoy's immediate superior."
Kirk nodded~ resisting the urge to smile. It was a touchy point with
McCoy~and seldom alluded to in conversation between the three of them. There
may have been professional clashes between McCoyand Spock, but Kirk had never
been advised of them. He felt a mild tightening in his stomach. If the Vulcan
was having some kind of trouble with the CMOthat he felt needed the captain's
attention~ then it must be of grand proportion. Kirk wasn't sure he wanted
to hear. He was tired.
"In the past three weeks~" Spock went on~ "his weekly reports have been
late three times. II

The captain couldn't resist a little chuckle as he eased back in his

chair. "So what's the worry, Spock? Bones has never enjoyed a reputation
for time-tabl e effi ci ency. II He tri ed to look concerned ~ seei ng that Spock' s
attitude only darkened. "His work is up to snuff~ isn't it?"
"Indeed. In fact, that is partly what worries me. His work on Fabrini
biochemical theoretics is brilliant."
This time it was Kirk who raised an eyebrow. What the hell was Spock
getting at? That should come as no surprise to him. The Vulcan had taught
McCoythe Fabrini language himself to prepare him for the research~ and had
marveled privately with Kirk about how quickly McCoyhad learned the language
for the sake of his research. He knew how intense McCoycould be.
"I'm sorry~ Mr. Spock~" he said. "I don't follow you. McCoyis doing
excellent work?"
"Surpassingly so."
The captain only became more puzzled. "And you're disturbed because of
the tardi ness of hi s weekly reports?"
"Not precisely. II
Kirk sighed, picked up his fork and played the tips against his palm.
Dead end conversations annoyed him~ and with Spock they infuriated him. But
the look in his friend's eyes was one of deep concern. He would play this
out carefully~ be patient. Spock was onto something that was quite obviously It
painful for him.
"Fasci nati ng, II Spock whispered, 1ooking down at hi s soup. II It would seem~
Captain~ that I am having trouble articulating my concern."
Careful now, Kirk thought. Youhave the fawn in sight; don't scare it
off. "Could it be~" he asked~ "that your concern is not on a professional
level? Or even a Vulcan one?"
Spock looked up slowly~ and Kirk was certain he saw a touch of thanks
in those dark~ mysterious eyes.
"It may indeed be a human concern~ Jim."
Kirk didn't even blink. "You want me to talk to him?"
"His orderly was in here before you joined me," Spock explained.
"Gathering the doctor's meal. Evidently~ he's still on that special diet...
the one they put him on after Minara. He's taking supper in the lab~ as I
understand it~ and I gathered from the orderly that he's been sleeping there
as well. II
Kirk's expression fell. "What the hell has Dr. M'Benga been doing? Has
he kept you up on McCoy's physical and psychological status?"
"He has. Aside from some very mild stomach trouble~ the doctor is tech-
nically in excellent health."
"Technically." Kirk stabbed the fork into the cold steak. "But you're
not so sure. ..

121
 The Vulcan said nothing, which was a sure indication to Kirk that there
was a great deal more to it. He suspected by the controlled tension in Spockls
voice that somehow he had picked up something with that alien sixth sense of
his. McCoywould have called it "intuition." As far as Kirk was concerned,
Spock's inability to explain himselfmore precisely was quite in order. He
was experiencing something primarily human. He had a "feeling." He pushed
away from the table.
"Pve got some work to do, then 1111 talk to him, Spock." He smiled in
response to the Vulcan' s most obvious worry. III wonIt 1et him know about our
little conversation here. Besides, he slipped out on us the other night after
that film. live got a bone to pick with him about that. II

Leonard McCoyhad learned years before that for him there was no place
where he was more alone or more happy than in a medical lab. He knew he had
a mind for research that was nearly as astute and precise as his surgeon's
hands. And he could turn to medicine the way some men could turn to drink.
For escape. For solace from the burdens that were too much. On evenings like
this, he wondered if it was a vicious circle. Was he afraid to be really
happy, for the fact that it might lessen his need to work? And if held lead
a happier life, would all his scientific accomplishments gone undone? No
matter, he was in the lab now, immersed in work. Content.
Without looking, he took up the glass of milk from the tray and sipped
it, nearly spitting it out jn surprise. Chocolate! Obviously one of MIBenga's
sly little tricks to put on weight. He put it back and turned to go get some
water from the sink.
"Something wrong with your supper, Doctor?" Orderly Black stood behind
him, arms across his chest, smiling broadly. Black was newly assigned to
him, courtesy of Christine Chapel IS scheduling genius. McCoyliked the man
for two reasons: held made it clear that he wanted to work closely with the
chief surgeon regardless of the hours required, and he also had a reputation
for not kissing ass.
"Doctor M'Benga really insists that you eat that, sir," the young man
explained politely. "I 1msupposed to take the empty tray back for yoU."
"You might be here all night in that case," McCoysaid gruffly.
"Not at all, sir," Black assured him. "Just Itil you finish."
McCoyraised an eyebrow and turned back to the tray of food. No use
putting this fella on the line. He'd eat the damn stuff and take it up with
MIBenga later. Anything to get rid of his company. Anything to have some
peace.
And that's when it hit him, like a slap to the back of his head. Like an
insane, deafening scream. Distantly, he heard something shatter and he was
on the floor, quaking, sick with the smell of chemicals and blood. He looked
down at his hands. Black was doing something to them, trying to grab them,
and he was frantically trying to pull them away.
"No, Doc," the big orderly said .sternly. "I got it, easy now. You're
okay. II
But McCoywould not have it. He pounded at the young man's face, and
grabbed a bit of broken glass with his good hand. "Not this time," he
screamed, his throat dry and tight, as if held been screaming for hours. "No!
You goddamn son-of-a-bitch, you have no II He could hardly get time to
breathe; could hardly make it. "You have no right! II He knew the glass was
cutting his left hand as well, but he could feel no pain. He was far beyond
..

1~2 .
 pain, buried in fear and rage. He slashed out and hit something - he wasn't
sure if it was himself or Black. There was more blood, and he felt a sudden
rush of self-contempt.
IIOh...my god.1I .

. lilt's all right, Doc.1I Black's voice was calm. He had a.lab towel.
McCoyblinked dumbly at his hands, wishing to hell he could hold them
still. He felt sick, woozy with all the smells, and tried to wipe the sweat
from his face with his sleeve.
IINo, Doc,1I Black was saying. He took McCoy's arms again and the doctor
glared up, terrified.
The young man's smile was concerned, but completely unabashed. He took
another towel and wiped the doctor's face, turning to give some orders to
someone who'd just entered the room. McCoysighed, helpless to hold back the
sobs; at least it's empty in here, he thought. It could have been crowded.
Thank god.
Black' s attenti on was on him agai n. IICan you stand, Doctor?1I HIs strong
arms completely encircled McCoy. IIComeon...up slowly.1I
His knees buckled and he heard someone call for a gurney. He knew the
voice.
IIJim?1Ihe called. He couldn't see through the blur of tears. Damn.
What was it? What are these tears? What in the hell He reached out
1ike a bl ind man. IIJim?1I ..

He knew Kirk was talking to him and he wanted to explain, but it was all
lost.' He was crumb,ling inside, buckling again. Someone mentioned the gurney
once more, but Black just shook his headJ very much the man in charge.
IINo. I'm not waiting,1I the big man said. "He's bleeding.1I He scooped
his boss up in his arms like a child and swept into the corridor.
It was one of those red light moments that happens on a ship sometimes.
No emergency bells ring off when a crewman is down, there is no sounding of
general alarm. But somehow, the word moves from stem to stern in minutes,
as if a ship of cold metal suddenly starts breathing with emotion. The theory
is that it has to do with a correlation between the vast loneliness of space
and the unity of a crew. But at such moments a ship is like a living body,
a mass of connecting nerves, aware of the point of injury and yet in total
control of the various tasks at hand. It was one of the aspects of ship life
that Jim Kirk held most dear. He especially appreciated it now because he
knew that it meant the ship would afford him the luxury of allowing others to
run her while he took the time to be a worried friend. He sat in McCoy's
empty office waiting for M'Benga or Chapel to pop a head in with a word of
news. When M'Benga did come in he jumped to his feet, surprised to hear
himself asking first about McCoy's orderly.
M'Benga closed the door behind him and offered Kirk a reassuring smile.
IIOh.. .Jason is fine, sir. He"s got a nasty gash on his arm, but I gave him
a couple of days on sick list mostly to ease his nerves.1I
Kirk shook his head. IIPretty upsetting. He did a fine job.1I
IIWell," M'Benga rubbed the back of his neck. IIHe's an orderly now, but
he'll make a crack psychologist."
For the first time, Kirk understood. He eyed M'Benga keenly. II You
assigned him to McCoy, didn't yoU.1I
"No." M'Benga shrugged. "But let's just say Christine Chapel could
run this sickbay blindfolded.1I
IIDamn,1IKirk hissed. IIWhywasn't
. . I told? Or at least McCoy's direct

124

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superior? If my CMO's having problems, it's your duty as his physician to
tell me, mister!"
"He wants to see you, Captain." M'Benga's eyes met Kirk's with the
same practiced defiance McCoyused so often. "He's self-deflated right now,
so I hope you'll keep your feelings at bay."
Kirk's fist tightened. "I'm going to ignore that, Doctor. Answer my
question."
IIWell , sir," M'Benga explained softly, "I'm not exactly certain what it
is you want me to tell you. One ~f the finest surgeons in the Fleet suffers
from symptoms of an ulcer and occasional bouts of insomnia. Not exactly
unusual for a man of his standing and responsibility. This surprised us as
much as it did you. More, I guess, since we're supposed to be so damned smart
about such things these days."
Kirk nodded in way of thanks. M'Benga was a good man, patient.
"He was terrified back there, Doctor. At first when I came in, I thought
he was trying to kill himself, but that wasn't it. He was defending himself."
Kirk's eyes softened as he searched the physician's tired face. "But from
what ?II
"Memories." M'Benga's head turned as he saw Spock coming in from the
far door. "I'd better catch Mr. Spock before he sees him, sir. I don't want
him to be alarmed." He started to leave, then caught his stride and turned.
"leonard knows you were there, Captain. So when you see him, don't pretend
anything. Please. Be honest with him. He knows you've seen him cry; maybe
he'll open up to yoU."
Kirk stood in. the doorway and watched as M'Benga went to Spock. The
Vulcan's eyes met Kirk's briefly and then seemed to rest in thought as he
listened to what the physician was saying. He didn't look startled, and he
nodded, seeming to understand without pause. He was dressed in Vulc~n garb
and Kirk imagined he must have been interrupted during meditation. In fact,
thought the captain, maybe no one told him at all. Maybe he just knew.
McCoydidn't look half bad when Kirk found him. He was sitting up in
bed, dressed in pajamas and a robe, his hands wrapped in ordinary bandage.
And while he still trembled slightly, he was at ease enough to grouse to
Chapel about the medicine they'd given him.
"Damnit, Christine. My arms are numb from the elbows down. What did
M'Benga give me?"
She looked beyond him to Kirk and unsmiling, readied another hypo.
"Doctor. If I were to answer that you'd turn right around and put me
on report."
"What's that for?"
She smilecr:- "lie back, please, Dr. McCoy."
"What is it," McCoydemanded again. As she eased him back to the bed
he realized Kirk was standing next to him. He lay still while she opened
his shirt and applied the hypo.
Kirk watched in silence until she was done. He wanted very much to close
his eyes and turn away, to save himself from the pain which he felt was his
responsibility to share. And he sensed the sureness of McCoy's gaze on him,
sizing him up, testing his friendship. The doctor's face was pale, perhaps
from the loss of blood, perhaps from the gut-wrenching attack of fear. Kirk
~asn't sure. The only thing he knew for certain was that McCoywas looking
lnto his soul, inspecting him from the inside out. It was a long and ter- 1/
rifying moment of expectation.

125
 "Spock is here, Bones," Kirk said softly, watching Chapel for some sign
of approval, or for a clue. He wished to hell he knewwhat to say, or how to
say it. She didn't even acknowledge him as she closed McCoy's shirt and robe.
"But I thought.. .well Maybe you and I should just talk for a little while
first." Chapel moved off.
"Have you told him?"
"I think M'Benga already did, Bones. It's his job." Kirk took a breath
and looked at him squarely. "But I would have."
"You gonna can me?"
"Why in the hell would I want to do that?"
"Well, for one thing...I sliced up one of my staff."
Kirk sighed, shamefully aware of the fact that he was standing some
distance from the bed. He pulled up a chair, at the same time gesturing to
McCoy's bandaged hands. "They hurt?"
"I suppose they should," McCoysaid bitterly. "But M'Benga never gave
'em the chance." He glanced down at them. "I don't remember any pain...
before."
For a moment, Kirk fought for words. "You were hurting plenty, Bones."
"M'Benga says he's okay," McCoywhispered.
"Who?"
"Black."
"It was an accident."
McCoyshivered, teeth gritted, and tried to flex his fingers.
'''Don't,'' Kirk \';Ihispered. . And taking the right hand in his, he held it
between his pa1ms. '''Damnit, B'ones...what happened?"
The doctor drew a breath that was like a sob, and though the shivering
started again, his eyes took on a stony emptiness. For an instant Kirk
though he was having another attack, but then he realized that McCoywas
simply holding back. He wanted to turn away.
"Please..." Kirk went on. "What's doing this to you? What "
"I didn't expect it. Not like that," McCoywhispered icily. He turned
to the wall. "I thought Ihad it, you know?"
"No. What?"
III . . . . ..
When McCoytwisted away from him, Kirk felt the peculiar anger of use-
lessness. He stood up and reached for McCoy's tear-soaked face. "Look at
me, goddamnit," he choked, turning the face gently in his hands. He was
shaking himself now, terrified, keenly suspicious that the answer he needed
was his as well. They had been through so much together. Minara. The name
of that star reverberated in his head, and all the unspoken hell that had
gone with it. But they'd beat it. They'd beat it. Kirk's face radiated
the anger he still felt about those hideous hours. But the Vians had made
everything right, fixed it up. His hands shook on McCoy's face and as he
~ looked into his eyes, he saw pain that was like the memory of death. Or the
wish for it. Jim Kirk would not have it.
"Bones...please." Please what? Kirk could hear the threatening sound
in his own voice. A real anger. He settled back in his chair, troubled.
Did whatever frightened McCoyterrify him him as well?
~I ~ He trembled, holding back the tears for his friend's sake. McCoywas
watching him, his eyes searching his face for something. He's afraid I'm
going to reject him, Kirk thought. Why?
M'Benga's hand settled gently on Kirk's shoulder, and his voice rose over

126

~ iii'
his head, comforting and calm.
"I told Mr. Spock to wait," the physician explained. He squeezed Kirk's
shoulder. "Leonard, I'm going to let him see you for just a minute. Then I
want to check you over completely."
The fear in McCoy's face vanished, so that he responded to M'Benga as a
physician, his tone clinical.
"That should take an hour or so. That is, if you've also called in Dr.
Cassidy?"
"I have."
Cassidy. Kirk knew that one. The-; psychologist who'd checked them
all out after Minara. He remembered that she'd been a kind of nag, trying to
pry out something more about those dark hours from the time he'd been hurt
until they'd found McCoy. He recalled now how he'd been amused at her daily
memos back then. Something about the ship's surgeon being uncooperative.
Kirk stood up, thankful that M'Benga was giving him a polite out. He
needed very badly to get away.
"Okay, then," Kirk said with a smile. "I'll be back after a while, Bones.'
His eyes caught M'Benga's, and he knew the doctor would have some words for
him before he left. Spock had come up from behind, and Kirk had the eerie
feeling that some kind of wheels had been set in motion. He reached a hand
to McCoy's head. "Easy?"
McCoynodded and despite the company of the others, he could not hide
the tremor in his voice. "Jim...I'm sorry." He smiled tenuously. "Tell
Black~ will ya?"
I

Ordinarily, Mr. Spock did not walk the halls of the Enterprise out of
uniform, but he did not want to waste the time to change before talking to
Kirk. He was concerned, not for himself, or even directly at this moment for
McCoy, but for the humanness involved in general. He had seen such situations
before. A bottleneck of human emotion, chaotic but suppressed, rising at last
to tear at those frail beings who sought to contain them.
He marveled at McCoy, that he was even alive, for he sensed keenly the
magnitude of negative human emotions the man was feeling. Their intensity
would rival the passion of even the most primitive Vulcan. And knowing Kirk's
love of the man, Spock could not dismiss his concern that Kirk would attempt
to take upon himself more than was possible for one human. He had watched
while Kirk stood with McCoy, seen the blood drain from the captain's face.
And he had observed in Kirk a fearful look of recognition. Whatever was de-
stroying McCoycould, by transference, destroy the captain of the Enterprise.
That was a thing Spock could not allow.
When he found that Kirk was not on duty or in his quarters, it only made
sense to Spock to seek him out in the gym. He found his captain in gym trunks,
covered in sweat, pounding furiously at a battered punching bag. The Vulcan
looked on for several minutes, understanding that although Kirk had not yet
acknowledged his presence, he knew he was not alone. When the captain's
aggression slowed naturally, Spock took the liberty to speak.
"I am told that helps, Captain."
"Sometimes," Kirk said without looking. He pulled the sweatband from his
head and reached for a towel. "I suppose for you, the answer is meditation."
"Answer, Captain?"
Kirk sighed. "Yes. You know. When it all gets to be too much."

. .

127
 Spock said nothing. He found Kirk's sweatshirt lying on the floor and
carried it over to him. Kirk was sitting on a bench and when he took the shirt
he looked up, the sweat dripping into his eyes. He blinked at the Vulcan,
tired and perplexed.
"Still in civvies, huh? Looks like it's been a long day for all of us."
"Negative, Captain. It has not yet been two hours since Dr. McCoy's
incident. I merely wanted to speak to you before going on duty."
liOn duty? It isn't time for " He stopped, suddenly aware of what
Spock was doing - and annoyed by it. Like McCoy, the Vulcan had a knack for
burying his troubles in work. Although Spock would not call them troubles.
Or even acknowledge them. He would let it rest for now; he had other things
to tal k about.
"Al1 right, then. I'm gonna take a shower and get back to Sickbay. If
I finish up there in time, I'll get with you about landing duty plans. If I
can't get with you this evening, we'll handle it pre-shift tomorrow. May not
even need to send another party down on this little rock of a planet. They've
collected the required data."
Spock looked surprised. "I had thought you planned another landing
party; however "
"Na," Kirk said, stretching to his feet. "Just a little sightseeing. II
He was aware that he was looking at Spock accusingly. "There was this one
spot. I'd wanted Bones to see it, but it was nothing. II
The Vulcan acknowledged with a lift of the brow.
"Does that seem wasteful to you, Spock?"
"Cap~ain." The Vulcan took a breath, obviously getting ready for a speech
"I feel a certain responsibility...for allowing myself to hesitate before
approaching you about the doctor. Perhaps this incident "
"No." Kirk's jaw tightened. It was all he could do not to turn away.
"Damnit, Spock. Stop referring to it as an incident. Please. II

"I merely II
"And let's not pretend...we aren't feeling pain. For God's sake, we're
his friends. Is Scotty the only one of us who's going to pitch a cussing fit?"
Spock eyed the battered punching bag. He wondered who or what the cap-
tain imagined that bag to be as he pounded it.
Kirk bit his lip, falling back to the bench, and smiled up at Spock
through his tears. The mission had taken its toll, as he'd always expected
it would. Drawing in a long, decisive breath, he slapped the bench with his
hand, indicating for Spock to sit next to him. The Vulcan did so, but re-
mained icily silent.
"We have to get at this," Kirk whispered finally. "We have to talk about
it, Spock. About Bones." The Vulcan had a way of tensing his body without
moving a muscle. Kirk sensed that happening now, so he was surprised when
Spock spoke up.
"You saw it, too."
"Yes." Kirk closed his eyes, feeling sick with memories. liThe Vians tor-
tured him, treated him like some laboratory animal, and they left him like
t hat .
II

"They healed him," Spock added softly. "But it was not enough. II
Both men sat in silence for some time, as if their minds were thinking
in unison, collaborating on some grand equation. It was Kirk who finally
spoke up.
"And we thought we were home free, Spock. We kidded ourselves. Do you
suppose? Were we that afraid? The Vians healed his body, but they couldn't

128
have undone the emotional trauma. Whydidn't I talk to him? Whydidn't I make
him bring all that pain out in the open, so he could share. So he could be
I
free of it. II

IIThen it is agreed,1I Spock whispered hoarsely.

IIYes.1I Kirk stood up and started slowly for the showers. I'm sorry,
Bones, he thought. The Vians still have you. As far as your mind is concerned,
they still have you and they're not going to let you go. Unless we help.

Dr. Cassidy came into the office where M'Benga and Kirk waited. She was
a short, round woman, in her mid-fifties, sharp of eye and wit, unmerciful
in her observations. She closed the door behind her and turned with an un-
expected grace, her eyes quick and brilliant.
III need the office,1I she said flatly, IIfor a private consultation. II
Kirk nodded and rose to leave.
IINo,1Ishe said. IINot you, Captain Kirk. I'd like to speak with you
alone, if Dr. M'Benga doesn't mind.1I
Not only did M'Benga not mind, he was amused. At last the dear doctor
-
had Kirk where she wanted him cornered.
Kirk fell back to his seat like a schoolchild caught out of turn.
She stopped M'Benga at th~ door. IIHewants to go to his quarters. Do
you have any probl ems with that, Doctor?1I
M'Benga seemed surprised. IIIf it should happen again 11
She smiled, watching Kirk from the corner of her eye. IIThere are fewer
breakables in his room.1I
IISuicide?1I
IINot a chance. II
It was enough for M'Benga. And though it was subtle, Kirk noticed that
her savvy worked a magic on M'Benga. He left the room a more confident man.
Kirk got up to offer her his chair, but she waved him down and pulled a
straightbacked chair up next to him, an elbow on the desk. Her eyes twinkled,
business-like but genuine. She was enjoying the fact that she'd caught her
captain off guard.
IIShouldn't he have someone with him?1I Kirk asked. He was perplexed by
this woman, always had been, and he was too preoccupied with McCoyto let it
bother him now. IIWhat if it should II
liThe boss '11 be fine,1I she said. IIHoware you feeling, Captain? We
haven't talked in some time.1I
III'm worried. II He scowled. IIAren't yoU?1I
IIYes. Leonard's pretty screwed up right now. Couldn't happen to a nicer
person, could it.1I
He pushed his chair back, a civilized display of anger. III think you're
being a bit too flippant, Dr. Cassidy. II
IINo, no, Captain. 1'm just tired and hurt like everyone else. My boss
is in trouble and I'm trying to get to the point fast. I asked you a question,
sir, and I'd appreciate an answer. I said it couldn't happen to a nicer
person. II
IINo, it couldn't have, II he muttered, looking away. IIDon't be cryptic,
Dr. Cassidy. Tell me what's wrong. What are you going to do?1I
IINothing.1I
He knew as soon as he looked at her, the rage showing on his face, that
she had calculated her answer to get just that response. IIAre you going to
give me a report on my CMO? Do I need to repl ace him?1I

129
 She gave an impatient groan and scooted her chair around the desk until
she was knee-to-knee with Kirk. "Captain, what the hell was it like back
there? On that little planet in the Minaran system?"
"We've talked about that," Kirk said abruptly. He was angry, but he
knew the womanwas on the right track. "I know what you're getting at...and...
so does Mr. Spock."
"Good." She smiled, genuinely relieved. "Then we're already farther
than I'd hoped." .
"But you should be talking to Bones about this. Not me."
"Ves. I suppose this is his problem," she said dryly. "He was very
alone at that time...wouldn't you say?"
"The Vians took him while I was unconscious. I couldn't stop it."
"Leonard did it," he whispered. Suddenly, he felt woozy, as he had felt
earlier with McCoy. He resented something she was saying, or the way she put
it to him. He wasn't sure. "Against direct orders."
Her eyes searched him carefully. "It was all his doing?"
"Ves!" Kirk blurted, jumping to his feet. He turned to the wall; he
needed a window. Why in the hell didn't this place have a window!
"Did you ever reprimand him?"
"Goddamnit!" He slammed his fist to the wall and looked around in anger.
"What are you...?" He fought the tears, felt the bitterness coming from hi s
heart. "He did it for me! For Spock. He thought... He thought "
".. .you were worththe trouble," she finished. Her voice was matter-of-
fact,. ki nd. "Are you?" .

He leaned his; face to the wall, the tears rolling silently, barely
noti ced .
"Leonardis a pretty good judge of character," she added gently. "He
picked me."
He could hardly speak. His throat was dry and twisted in pain. "Hels
/1' . . . the best of us." He wanted to turn to her now, and thank her, because he
realized at last what she was doing. He would have hugged her if he could
have moved, but he was paralyzed with tears.
Cassidy sighed contentedly and leaned back in her chair. "Captain, I
have a problem. I want my boss to get well, but 11m not equipped to make
him well. Not really. I could put him in prolonged therapy, I could do
psychotricorder exams and analysis and feed him drugs. Held function pretty
well in about two years."
Kirk closed his eyes, his chest tight with sorrow.
"He'd still be a damn fine physician, and the Fleet would find a place
for him." Her warm voice filled the room, l.ike a melancholy song. "But...
the spark would be gone."
He pressed his temple harder to the wall, still unable to turn. His
thoughts rambled to avoid some of the pain. Of course McCoy's office had no
window. It was the most protected part of the ship. The heart.
"Vou know, Captain," she said, "an entire race was saved because of what
Leonard did. An entire race. I've tried to reconcile that with the way I
feel about it all myself. And...as illogical as it seems...I can't. I mean,
if I may indulge myself...the boss is only one man. Certainly not equal in -
worth to an entire people. So why can't I come to terms with that? Why
can't I be satisfied?"
He turned with a smile, child-like, wiping the tears from his eyes. He
was proud of their discovery. "Because," he said, sniffling, "the value of

130
the spark is measureless.1I

McCoysat at the desk in his quarters and looked down at his hands. The
steri 1e white bandages annoyed him. He knew the wounds weren't seri ous and he
wasn't worried about them, but the bandages were awkward and he wanted to work
in the lab tomorrow. First he tried getting them off with his fingers, but
they were too stiff. IIDamn,1Ihe muttered and unraveled the wrapping gently
with his teeth. Chapel wouldn't like it, but tomorrow he'd put protective
spray on them. He looked at them, tried to flex his fingers.
Howhad he done that? Why? He tried to sort it out, to remember, but
he could only get feelings, not events. He closed his eyes and leaned back.
A psychotricorder exam wouldn't help, would it? Cassidy had said not. She'd
told him that an exam would only show his suppressed memories, not the feelings
that went with them. She'd seemed rather cold with him, but he was thankful
for her clinical approach. He trusted her, and if she thought it was going to
be okay, then it would be. Hell, she'd fixed it so he could go to his quarters,
hadn't she? He was a little surprised that she hadn't talked to him longer.
He dimmed the lights even more, then got up and went to his bed.
IIForget it,ll he whispered as he slipped out of his robe.' IIShe'll call
you to her office tomorrow.1I She'll prod. He examined his hands once more,
carefully flexing the fingers. Poor Black. Bet he'll never bully another CMO
again. That thought flicked some unhappy switch in his memory. It was all
so unclear, so highly emotional. Didn't make sense. And Black was no bully.
No sir. McCoyrec~lled painfully how Jason Black had withstood his wildness
with a calm that was nothing short of human love. . He wanted to talk to that
one, to find out what had made one so young so full of understanding. It's
as if Black had seen the monsters, too.
He trembled at the memory and, rolling his face to the pillow, held on
tight to whatever peace it was that allowed him his sanity. There were
monsters, all right, there were demons. He was psychologist enough to know
that. But he could not seem them in his mind's eye -as he instinctively felt
he should. They were just there. Cloudy. Hiding in the crevices. They were
fierce things, larger than anything he had ever known in all his life, and
bent on destroying him with the'mere fact of their existence. He shook, his
fists clenched in silent anger, as the dim knowledge of their power tore at
hi s sou 1 .
There are places in this universe where every man is alone, where all
other reality is cut off by the man's unique experience. McCoyknew this as
he wept in the dim light, his face buried, his body trembling. He was alone
and he accepted it, as one accepts anything that is practical and real. In
fact, he clung to the loneliness, as if the darkness it gave him was a kind
of home: a predictable, unconditional eye of the storm.
With fatigue, the pain began to dull, until the pounding in his head was
as comforting and timed as the pulse of his heart. Eyes closed,mind black,
untouched by anything, he was in the womb. He stayed like that, quiet,
thankful for the nothingness, falling into a sleep that was the sleep of a
babe. Safe, in hiding.
The Vulcan stood over him, tall and brooding in the darkness. Never
before had he taken the liberty to enter a man's room unannounced. He had
called and McCoyhad not answered, and that had been enough. He leaned his
head to one side, examining his friend as best he could in the dim light. There
was nothing to see. The Vulcan understood, however, that the thing he looked

131
 for was not to be discovered by the eye, but by the gentle untwisting of the
man's mind. He took a nearby chair and sat, hands on the arms, watching.
There was so much to think about now.
Humans have a misconception about the Vulcan mind touch. They think of
it as a shortcut to understanding the heart. It is not. Nor is it a visual
view of times, events, places. It is a knowing that has nothing to do with
definition. It is, quite simply, a very temporary and incomplete way of "being'
another. It is sometimes rich with feeling, sometimes coldly and terrifyingly
revealing. And when it involves a Vulcan and emotion-based alien mind, it is
always dangerous. Even under the most ideal conditions, with the most cooper-
ative of partners. Perhaps that is why it has so often been equated with sex.
Spock sat and watched the sleeping man, terrified. Right now, more than
any other time in his life, he resented Leonard McCoy. Only one other man -
James Kirk - had compelled him to feel so deeply. But with Kirk, it had been
less painful. Thinking about it, Spock almost smiled: The captain would not
1ike to hear it, but he could have made a good Vulcan. "But not you,
Leonard," he whispered in the darkness. "You would never pass. II
It was at that moment that Spock admitted to himself that the thing he
had suspected for some time was indeed true. Of all the adventures he had
experienced during his tour on the Enterprise, his friendship with the emo-';
tional, erratic physician had been the most challenging. Leonard McCoywas
an alien. He was the physical manifestation of all those things Mr. Spock did
not understand. Aside from his professional life, he seldom acted out of
logic. Even his medical genius had little to do with textbooks and discipline.
And yet, so very often, his emotional decisions lead to astoundingly logical
conclusions. At times Spock felt as though McCoy~s sole purpose in life was
to be a living contradiction of all things Vulcan. Logic, discipline, fore-
bearance, were mere tools for this man, to be cast aside when unneeded as a
juggler tosses his delicate toys to the air. .
Until now, Leonard McCoyhad handled emotion with a finesse that made
Spock envious. With a graceful, charming eagerness, he had gone about his
life in a way that secretly 1eft Spock in awe. He made being human look easy.
Until now, he had been a very successful man.
So the Vulcan sat in the darkness, as might an apprentice before his
beloved but unrelenting master, astounded that one of such magical powers could
fail. What shook Spock most of all was not that McCoy's emotions had brought
him down, but rather that because of it, he cherished the man all the more.
It was the final insult to his sense of logic. And the final threat.
The doctor slept deeply, his breathing steady and long. Not like death,
but like an unhealthy enchantment. Spock did not have to touch him to get a
sense of his sorrow; loneliness hung in the'air like a crimson Vulcan mist.
Spock understood loneliness. He knew it was the connecting force, the one
thing which he and McCoyshared in common. Odd, he 'thought, that the one
quality which, by definition, indicated separateness would also be their
connecting line.
He leaned over the bed, and very lightly, as a child would test tempting,
unknown waters, he brushed his hand over the man's head. Then, quickly, he
closed his eyes and settled back in his chair. For an instant, Spock had felt
the presence of the man and that brief passing had nearly been too much.
Fierce with human pain, chaotic with emotion. And there had echoed up from
the man's mind something more terrifying than Spock had imagined. A pas-
sionate'hatred as the Vulcans of old must have known, curiously mixed with
child-like fear. It had come fro~ the depths, shouting out, and still it had
(

132
been strong enough to stun Spock. He knew now a meld could not be the answer.
He did not have the strength for what lay in the man's mind.
The Vulcan could not know that even as he withdrew to himself, there
was a response within the man's mind. Synaptic impulses sparkled and stirred,
a message too del icate for the cOrlscious mind darted across multitudes of tiny
cells, awakening a single thought for a millisecond of the human's life. For
that instant, the sleeper's mind responded to the warmth of another. Gentle, ....--
stirring, thankful. And when the oneness came back on him, it was with the
smallest bit more strength.
McCoymoaned softly, his face still buried in the pillow, his fists still
clenched. The "events of the day had afforded him the relief of exhaustion,
so that his mind drank greedily of sleep. And within"~he great shadow world
where he dreamed, there were places, times, events, faces - all forms of those
things a man cannot speak of with his waking mind. Illusory creatures formed
there"who had never walked the universe, the sympathetic translation of real
horrors too bold for the human eye.
Like some other-dimensional cosmic ocean, McCoy's mind whirled with
feelings that blended into shapes. He spoke to himself from the spark-filled
depths. He urged himself on, demanding to be heard, angry and impatient with
that knowing part of himself which cowered now in slumber. At once he would
be a huge beast, taller than a mountain, roaring down at the Enterprise, its
bloody mouth gaping to swallow it up. Then he was the little boy visiting his
great-grandpappy in the Georgia woods. It wa~ his thirteenth year. Thirteen,
thirteen, thirteen, he thought hard in his head. 11m thirteen. He looked up
at a tiny sparrow in the sun~spattered tree. It cocked its head at him and
smiled down, its tiny eyes clear and innocent. And then he was the sparrow,
calling down to himself in a soft, sum~er voice. Where are you, where are you,
where are you going On and on until he changed again at some vital, misty
point in his mind. He was an athlete then, a runner, pushing against the wind,
his eyes blinded and stinging from the force of it. And then the wind was
not the wind, but a soft, unyielding door. His shoulder pushed against it as
he ran, but with all his force, all his pain-filled breath, he could not open
it. So he pushed harder, harder, until the door's wet and creviced wall began
to leak with blood. It splattered his face and stung in his eyes like the
wind, but still he pushed against its center. And as he pushed with all his
strength, that strength somehow became a feeling, warm and mixed with tears.
Was it calling? Had it heard? And suddenly he was that voice on the other
side of the door, mist-like and unsettled, like some god just born.
MCCoyawoke suddenly from a dream he could not remember, his pillow soaked
with sweat, his heart racing. There was a blanket over him and someone had
brought th~~im setting of his light even lower. He let his mind'unwind from
the heavy sleep, sitting up slowly as he wiped his eyes. He wondered what
time it was and then decided it didn't-matter. It was late; Chapel had ob-
viously been by to tuck him in. He got to his feet and went to the door,
opening it to check for a guard or orderly. There was none, and with a vague
feeling of disappointment, he went back to bed. He could feel 'his hands pretty
well now. They stung a little and were soaked in cold sweat. In his half-
asleep state, he wished that he could remember more, though he wasn't exactly
sure what it was he wanted to remember. The pain, he guessed. That would at
least vindicate it a little, make it more tangible. So he flexed his fingers
to feel the sting; thinking groggily, I hope there won't be scars.
* * *

;
..
133
..
.
 Jim Kirk had a good feeling about the next planet. He was sure it would
be teeming with life, which was hoping for a good deal more than the ship's
sensors and computers predicted. The Enterprise science department had prom-
ised him that it would contain at least "1ife engendering matter or life forms
of the lowest sca1e." He expected more. He wasn't exactly sure why, so he
certainly wouldn't mention it to Spock. Call it instinct. A sailor's nose
for land.
They'd be orbiting the planet within the hour, all data from the previous
excursion filed, processed and tidied up for further examination. He signed
off .his last report of the shift, one eye on the empty science station as he
spoke to Lieutenant Su1u.
"Mr. Su1u, the con is yours. I'm leaving a little ear1y."
"Aye, sir," the helmsman said as he sat in the captain's chair. "1'11
notify you as soon as we've established orbit."
Kirk heard and nodded, but was mildly ashamed of the fact that he was
barely paying attention. Lately it seemed he had as much to do off shift
as on shift. It had been almost a week now since McCoy's attack in the lab.
Enterprise had already coursed her way past the third planet from the star,
K-ming, finding the need only to send out information-gathering buoys and go
on. The planet was a mass of methane and other gasses, with no sign of recog-
nizable life or even the remotest possibility of it. Certainly not worth
risking even the shortest man-to-surface landing. And so Kirk's off-duty time
was spent catching up the damned personal log - which now had some very
sensitive entry information - and visiting with McCoy, using all the personal
knowledge and instinct he had, along with the rather hard-nosed guidance of
Dr. Cassidy to, as she put it, "get the boss back into synch."
It was a peculiar duty, he knew, and one that would have been frowned
on by the Fleet, had they ever been allowed to know. And as Kirk whizzed down
on the turbo1ift, Kirk mulled over the fact that eventually the Fleet would
know how its dear captain had been playing amateur psychologist once t~
five-year mission was over. Cassidy's records would have to be open to them
then, although she'd vowed this matter would remain Ishe1tered" just now for
the sake of the patient's recovery. She was a daring member of her profession,
and a little short with those who still thought of psychology in the archaic
sense of the 20th and 21st centuries. "I've come to Space as an explorer, too,
Captain," she had told Kirk stubbornly when he voiced his worries over their
plan of treatment for his friend. "And don't worry about what the Fleet Tops
will say once they've found out. The thing is, we've got the ball now. We
can help him if we don't let the red tape strangle us. If we were to offi-
cially report McCoy's status, they'd replace him in a day, the fat-assed
bastards. You'd lose a top CMO. I'd lose my boss. That what you want? Go
by the book? Don't recall ever noticing that any of our admiralty boys are
graduates in psychology. To hell with 'em. We're gonna fix the boss and we're
gonna do it now, while he's with the people who love him." Iv
He smiled, thinking about it. Hers had been one hell of a pep talk. He'd
remember that, in case he ever again had to send crew into a battle. She'd
had consultations with him alone, and with Spock. But the Vulcan had held
his reserve in front of her, even being somewhat withdrawn with Kirk. While
Spock wanted to help McCoy, something was troubling him, blocking off the tre-
mendous Vulcan capacity to meet the alien foe. Kirk's worry about that had
grown, as he knew that the key to McCoy's sorrow was keenly tied up with the
experience the three of them had had with the Vians. They had literally gone

135
 through hell together that time, and each in his very own personal way had come
back from death.
So now he sought out the Vulcan, single-mindedly aware that th~ two of
them would have to pass through this door before they could help McCoycom-
pletely. Of the three of them, Spock alone had not been physically abused by
the Vians and Kirk could only guess that this might somehow be part of the

~-
.
L-
L
-.
problem. It was bad enough to have to admit his love for humans, but to know
that one had sacrifi ced himsel f for him, and to see the resul ts of that
sacrifice - it could tear Spock apart. It could be doing so now.
"Mr. Spock," Kirk called from outside the Vulcan's quarters. "I'd like
to see you for a moment."
"Enter," came the reply from within. The Vulcan turned from his computer
as Kirk let the door close behind him. "I left word with Sciences, Captain,
that I was going over data from the last planet here in my quarters. II
"Yes. I know. No need for excuses, Mr. Spock. Nothing's happening
on the bridge.
He turned back to the console. "I was not making excuses. II

"Not about that, anyway," Kirk answered, nodding at the computer.

Something within the Vulcan visibly froze.
Kirk edged his way to Spock's side, looking down at the changing screen.
"I had lunch with Bones."
III have not had the opportunity to see the doctor yet today. II
"He didn't mention it. But he's getting restless. Well...cranky,
actually. Says he's done as much research as he can from his room computer
console, needs to get to thelab."
"What does Dr. Cassidy say?"
"I don't know.II Kirk did his best to sound flippant. "I guess I'll
have to talk to her. If she can't get him back on duty, or at least in the
lab, 1'11 have to put in for a new medical officer. We've done as much as we
can, Spock. He seems okay when I talk to him, but "
Spock shut off the computer. Something in the gesture betrayed annoyance
- or anger.
"I'm sorry," Kirk said. "I guess that was a pretty obvious lie."
"And insulting," Spock whispered, not looking up.
"Cassidy says the nightmares are getting worse. Black's been with him the
last few nights, and Bones hates it. She thinks he's building up to another
attack, that whatever it is that's twisting inside him...it's going to be
worse. "
Spock looked up, his eyes deep and moody, catching light from the eterna 1
flame that burned in the corner. Kirk recognized in those eyes a real and
frightening change. They were soft, troubled, searching in a way that only
human eyes will search - with a boldness that can come only from fear. Too
much fear. For an instant, Kirk thought he had been crying.
"She says it's time, Spock."
The Vulcan gave a single nod.
"I know it hurts," Kirk continued gently, lito talk to him the way we're
going to have to talk to him. The way we've planned. But we know they're -
tormenting him from the inside.1I
IICan we be certain, Jim? That it is the memories of Minara?"
"I know. II Kirk looked away, not certain he could face his friend with
what he had to tell him. "Last ni ght I asked Black to call me if the night-
mares came. They did, so I went to his room. I tried to help. II He turned
.. .

136
back to Spock slowly, doing his best to fight the pain-filled memories the
experience had brought him. "When I got there, Black was waiting for me.
Very calm, that fellow. He had tears in his eyes. He had his arms around
Bones like some big, gentle gorilla. And with all his strength, it still took
the two of us to hold him. Bones was screaming, he..." Kirk felt himself
beginning to stammer; he stopped a moment to gain control, determined that v
Spock should hear it all, to prepare him. "He was screaming from his soul.
And all of a sudden, Spock...I was there, you know? It's as if I could see...
what live been so goddamn afraid to see."
"The Vians," Spock whispered hoarsely.
"He called for us, Spock. He begged us to help. He cou1dn't understand
...in that mad agony...why we didn't come."
Spock drew in a deep, sullen breath, his head bowed. "Did he awaken?"
Kirk didn't seem to hear; his mind was still on events that night. "And ,
Cassidy says that in that deep part of his mind, he's still waiting for us to J
help, Spcok. He...can't see that we couldn't. Not that part of him, in the
agony. He thinks we betrayed him."
"Not consciously." Spock understood. Having spent most of his life
trying to commandthe human part of himself, he knew completely the subterran-
ean workings of the human mind. "But the part of his mind, the subconscious
perhaps, which took over for him during that time."
"It kept him safe," Kirk added.
Spock understood that, as well. Hands clasped in his lap, he gazed up
at his captain. The tension that had held him before dissolved into over-
whelming warmth. "I tried to reach him that first night, Jim. To do the mind
touch, at least. I couldn't. And I have indeed felt, since then, that I have
betrayed him."
IISpock, you know it I S not that easy to "
"Please," the Vulcan put in sadly. "I must tell you. If we are to help
him. This must be an open thing between us."
Kirk nodded, smiling gently, but secretly frightened by the change that
had become so visible in the Vulcan. Was he forcing too much on Spock, making
him come too near his dreaded human half? Would he lose one to save the other?
He thought of the Vians, and the decision McCoyhad made. Was there no way
out of this without a price?
"I was too near, II Spock continued. "For the brief moment I touched his
thoughts, I sensed...not just his horror and need...but my own fear of it.1I
IIBut there's no shame in being afraid," Kirk insisted warmly.
"It wasn't the pain that terrified me." He studied Kirk's puzzled eyes,
hoping he co~ld accept what he had to say. "It was his need to know that I
love him. It repe 11ed me. And terri fi ed me. II
Kirk went to Spock's bed and sat, understanding exactly now what it was
all costing Spock. To help McCoy, Spock would have to let all his defenses
relax. Held saved McCoyfrom the Vians by suppressing the powerful emotions
he felt then in order to break free of the Vians' emotion-fed force field.
Now, it was the reverse. McCoy's condition demanded that Spock tell him to
his face and with all his heart that he cared. Kirk wondered if it was right,
if there was a way out.
"Captain?" Spock got to his feet, the long silence broken. "I believe
it is the supper hour. Have you by chance arranged for us to have dinner
with our friend?"
"I have. II Kirk stood reluctantly. "But Spock 11

137
 "ls he expecting us?"
.-
"No. I don't think so."
"Then," the Vulcan said, turning for the door. "It will be my chance
to surpri se him. II -
Kirk observed Spock carefully as they walked together to McCoy's
quarters. If things happened as Kirk and Dr. Cassidy hoped they would, it
could be a very long night. The captain wanted to be sure that now was the
right time for Spock, fearing deeply that this was as dangerous for him as it
was for McCoy. They would have to talk seriously with McCoytonight, and if
he was ready, if it was even possible, they would try to make him face once morE
the horrors of Minara. One more time, to chase away the ghosts.
It would involved hellish memories for all of them, but McCoywould get
the worst of it.
"You know, Mr. Spock," Kirk said as they stopped at McCoy's door. "I
feel...like a traitor."
The lift of a smile touched the edge of Spock's mouth. "Ironic, isn't
it. I feel it, too." He pressed the button and requested entry, one hand
firmly squeezing Kirk's arm.
Kirk understood what that extravagant gesture meant. Spock was ready
and he would not turn back. And perhaps, in a very real way for Spock, this
was another venture into alien land.
"Well, gent1 emen," McCoysaid as they entered. "It's damn good to have
some company." He was reading a book but as he looked up he let it drop to
his belly, stretching his hands behind his head. His ~yes were somber and
lined with fatigue; a sign t~at there was little peace in sleep. His voice
was tinged with cautious bitterness. "I've just about used up my personal
library. Read any good books lately?"
Kirk looked around the room.
"Jason's gone to get "himself some supper, Jim. I told him it'd be okay.
He doesn't need to sit with me every minute; I really feel fine. It's just
the damned " His eyes flashed briefly from Kirk to Spock, then looked
away. "I wish they'd let me work. If I could just work, it'd be okay."
"Well, you look like hell." Kirk plowed forward, his voice robust and
playful. He snatched the book and threw it to Spock. "Think you need some
supper yourself, mister. Comeon!"
" The blue eyes brightened so suddenly and completely that it caught Kirk
off-guard. He smiled, realizing instantly that he'd gotten a glimpse of how
McCoymust have been in his youth - eager and responsive to love. He grabbed
his friend's arm and pulled him from the bed. "Come on, Bones. Up, up!
Let's get out of here for a whi1e!"
McCoydidn't argue - or question - he knew Jim Kirk and his power of
persuasiveness. And he secretly enjoyed imagining that his captain might just
be sneaking him out against doctors' orders. It was enough to lighten his
heart ten-fold. He was a little tense about going to the officers' mess, not
exactly sure how much the other officers knew about his illness, but everything
relaxed naturally enough once they were there.
"Hello, laddies," Engineer Scott said as he pushed his tray next to
McCoy. The doctor eyed his heaped tray and his waistline, but said nothing.
Scott only grinned at him. "Here, Leonard." He shoved a piece of apple pie
onto McCoy's tray and winked at Kirk. "I'm cuttin' down. From now on, no
dessert when I'm intendin' to open a new bottle afterwards."
McCoyshrugged and started on the pie. And from then on everything
.

138

-'",>,_="c."';;~~_~,j_.~~..n
_.~~~~~~*""=~=,_. ..=.'-" -"~~"-"""*-~~;';;"""'.,,""'--
~~".'~~'~""""""~""'~~""='~""

-~~"'''<#_~~___4'<_~''''~;'''''.'
relaxed, as though Scott had already broken open the new bottle. It was a
good feeling, not only for McCoy, but for his friends. They had a chance to
talk; about ship's gossip, about the next possible mission, about the IIweatherll
as they referred to some of the womenon the ship. If McCoywas aware that
Kirk and Spock were the slightest bit observant of him, he didn't let on. It
was only when they were finishing up their dinner that he became a bit ill at
ease. His glee faded as a child's does approaching bedtime, so that he seemed
restless, even afraid, Kirk thought as he watched him.
IIYouknow, Leonard,1I Scott picked a cold roll from McCoy's plate and
pulled it apart. III'm testin' a new brew...wou1d ya care to join me in the
officers' 10unge?1I The engineer did not look at Kirk as he spoke, and it was
clear enough to the captain that he was not asking his approval. Scott had
his own ideas about what was good for his friend and he hurt deeply for him.
IISure,1I McCoysaid. IIBut first I want to stop off at the medical 1ab.1I
He looked up from his plate, eyes boldly meeting Kirk's. III need to pick
up some tapes. II
Kirk didn't know whether to be annoyed or not at McCoy's open defiance.
The good doctor was making it clear that he was not a dog on a leash, that
he would do what he wanted on this little outing. .
IIOkay if Spock and I come a1ong?1I
IISure!1I Scott's mood brightened at the thought of the four of them
sharing a sip together. But one thing puzzled him. IIYou, too, Mr. Spock?1I
The Vulcan said nothing, but he rose to his feet as the others did. Of
the three of them, he was most aware of the physician's almost imperceptible
changes in mood. He was troubled and curious about McCoy's insistence in
going to the lab, knowing he hadn't been there since the attack. Since his
meeting with McCoyafter the film he had suspected that there was more to the
doctor's obsession with the lab than just his natural drive to work. His hand
quickly brushed against Kirk's as they left the officers' mess, a silent
forebodi ng.
Making it clear that he was not about to let his friend go, Scott joined
the three of them, following close behind McCoyas they entered the empty lab.
McCoystood off to himself once inside the door, not really noticing as
the others filed in. His eyes scanned the empty room with a searching, almost
haunting uneasiness. Spock's gaze followed him, wondering what ghosts were
there before him, waiting to be discovered -
or chased away.
III'm tryin' to remember, II McCoywhispered. It could have been a statement
or a question, or an unfinished sentence. The others held their ground as
he moved along the clean lab table, his hand brushing its edge, his eyes
searching as if caught between memory and the sight before him. He stopped at
the end of the table and stooped down, scooping up a piece of broken glass.
IIDamn.1I An unhappy laugh caught in his throat. III'm away for a while and
they get sloppy. This place hasn't been properly cleaned since 11
Kirk stepped forward. IISince what, Bones?1I
Scott was beginning to understand what the others were doing. He
watched suspiciously, not sure he liked' it, prepared to interrupt.
McCoyheld the sliver of glass in his scarred open palm. lilt's a piece
of that milk glass, Jim. You know.II
III don't think so, Bones.1I
IISure, it's II
Spock was beside him now; he took the del icate sl iver. IINegative,
Doctor. This isn't a milk glass. They're unbreakable. I suspect it is a
pi ec e 0f te st tu be . II

i39
 McCoystared into his face, puzzled.
"Yes." Spock held it up to the light. "Glass test tubes are still
needed for some experiments. No doubt that's what we have here."
"Of course. II McCoylooked up; it glistened in the light, distorting
Spock's face in its jagged curve. "Must have been a test tube." He glanced
about with an expression of dumb embarrassment, as if he'd been caught in a
1i e. "We11 . . . never mind . The tapes. I came for some tapes... Scotty, you see
any research note tapes lying around? They were right here the last 1 "
Suddenly he stopped talking; his breathing became fast and ragged.
"Leonard?" Scott began to move forward, but Kirk waved him back. He
glanced from captain to first officer, his fists tightening.
McCoy's face drained of color, and he stared ahead as if looking at
something terrifying, something only he could see. He began to tremble.
"Bones." Kirk took his arms; he could feel the tension in the man's
muscles tightening in fear. "You want to sit a minute? Everything okay?"
McCoywanted to pull away but he couldn't. His heart beat so long and
fast within him that it seemed to take over his will. Test tube? He shook
his head, trying to clear away his confusion. Kirk was talking to him, but he
couldn't respond, he was too busy. He felt the heat of his blood rushing
through him, pulsing too fast. What was it? Anger? Fear? And wasn't there
pain? Yes, damn...pain...everywhere. He clenched his teeth, doubling over,
lost in it. He thought for a moment he heard them calling, but it couldn't
be. He was alone, wasn't he? He was always alone here. Always. That was
the rule. That was the rule.
He crumbled into the agony of memory that had become real.
He screamed, he called their names, but he knew they couldn't hear, they
would not come. He didn't know how long he screamed because it was too far
away and mixed with shame. He begged for them and when they did not come,
he begged for the other thing that lay beyond. And in his great loneliness
he folded within himself, rushing for that darkness that was death. Welcoming
it. His last, only friend.
"Bones?"
McCoyblinked open his eyes, still breathing very hard, shaking. He
realized vaguely that Spock had him in his arms and was settling him onto a
bed. Kirk wiped his face with a towel.
"Damnit," Scott called from behind them. "I'm getting M'Benga, Jim,
this is "
"No!" Kirk spun around, his voice burning with anger. "Please, Scott.
Weknowwhat we're doing. Don't...interfere."
The engineer stiffened, and McCoycould see he was near a fight, but
everything else was still mixed up in the blur of some half-known memory.
He was in his room, but something was wrong. His reflexes were off and he
twisted involuntarily on the bed as if in pain. He reached to Spock, who was
now pulling at his tunic and clutched his arm.
lilt's all right, Doctor." The Vulcan took his hand and eased him to a
sitting position. "I have a clean tunic for yoU."
McCoynodded breathlessly, still in the grips of the horrible memory.
Test tubes, experimental labs. He couldn't shake the smell of chemicals and
vomit and blood. He shook violently, unable to help as Spock pulled the filthy
tunic over his head. He felt the shame again, and the terror. But this time,
it was real enough to be more than a misty memory.
"I got sick...oh...I got sick a lot. Blood, toO." He forced the words
..

140
 I

o~t with a rasping breath, trying to help as Spock wiped his chest with the
towel. "A1~ those chemicals. I guess...it...the medical 1ab...it brought
it all back. And the lab equipment.1I
"I know,1I Spock said calmly, his face turned down. III remember it,
Doctor. I s ha11 a1ways remember it. II

IITest tubes.II--
.. IITest tubes,1I Spock said after him, guiding a trembling arm through the
tunic sleeve. IIOne for each of US.II He closed his eyes, recalling the cold
transparent coffins the Vians had prepared for them should their experiment
IIfail.1I III remember, Leonard.1I

141
..
 The tormenting memory took over again, and McCoy's teeth chattered in
fear. He sat as Spock drew the shirt over his head, his eyes glazed and
unb1i nki ng.
II Damn ,II Scott hi ssed. IIYou bastards. II
Kirk's face was stone. IIHe has to face it, Scotty. I don It like it,
either. But it has to be. Only this time, welre going to be there for him.1I
Kirk's hand fell on the door button. III have to ask you to leave. II

IIAye," the Scotsman turned into the hallway, still looking over Kirk's
shoulder at his ha1f-consciqus friend. IIIIII leave ya, Jim. But first there's
a word Iid like with you. O~t here. II
When the door closed them into the hall, Scott took a deep breath and
began. "Ilve half a notion to report this. YouIre making hi~ live that hell
all over again. What makes you goddamned sure you Ire doing the right thing?"
"I 1mnot.1I Kirk waited until curious passersby walked away. IIBut there
are certain things that are tearing at him, Scotty. Things he can't face.
They'll destroy him if we donIt do something. II
Scott nodded towards the door. IIAndthat won't?1I
IINo.1I Kirk wasn't sure of what he said, but he knew that he had to
bel ieve in what he was doing enough to carry it out. IIYouknow as well as I
do, Mr. Scott. A soldier has to confront this sort of thing...or get out."
IIAye. II The engi neer nodded. "Neverthe1 ess, Jim, there IS somethi n I I
have to do... for myself as well as Leonard. II

And before Kirk had a chance to react, his chief engineer decked him with
one,.swift blow to the chin.
"I trust you'll let me know if there'll be charges," the engineer said,
walking off. "Until then, I'll be in the officers' lounge. II
Kirk got to his feet and rubbed his chin. He worked his jaw carefully
and smiled. Damnbest crew in the Fleet, he thought proudly as he entered
McCoy's room once again. '..

McCoywas sitting much as he had been' when Kirk and Scott had gone into
the corridor. Silent. Trembling. The difference was that Spock now sat in
a chair beside him, his hand on McCoy's shoulder. The Vulcan looked up as
Kirk moved beside him. .
IIHowis it?"
Spock shook his head. "Ilve been trying to talk to him. He knows welre
here.1I
"Bones?" Kirk sat on the bed and reached to McCoy's face. IIHey, Bones?
You want to tell us about it? Welre.. .we need to help. II
"You can't,1I McCoymoaned, looking defiant through his tears, his hands
clenched into white fists. III'm just scared. It isn't your fault, or
Spock's. It just...happened, that's all. II .
IIWhat happened, Doctor?" The Vulcan's voice was forced and mixed with
emotion.
McCoy's face tightened in anger as he groaned, still struggling for
air. IIYouknow. Them!II
Spock touched McCoy's temple with his fingertips, but Kirk pulled him
quickly away.
"No, Spock," Kirk insisted. "Wearen't going to use the mind-touch. He's
got to do this himself. II He knew the meld was too dangerous. His eyes
examined McCoyshrewdly as he pulled the doctor's face around. IIDamnit,
Bones. Don't you think it's time you talked? Don't you want us to help?
Grow up, mister!1I

142
 McCoystruggled free and dropped back to the bed, but Kirk only yanked
him up again, his voice loud and impatient. "You aren't a coward,Bones...
stop it. We know you were in pain.1I
IIJim.1I Spock bit his lip, his own hands trembling as he put an arm
around McCoy. "Weill break hini."
IIWhoare the monsters, Bones?" Kirk's eyes flared defiantly from Spock
to McCoy. "Wherels the pain?1I He ignored Spock's obvious anger and thrust
a hand against McCoy's stomach. "Is it he're? Is this where they started in on
you? Thatls how II they did it to.
me, they 'hurt
. me too, you know. But you don't ,
see me comp.... \
McCoy's hands flew up with a madman's strength and he pulled away from
Spock, pushing Kirk to the floor with all his stre~gth.
"You goddamn bastard," he yelled, his voice
and body shaking with all the terror of his night-
mares. He picked Kirk's' head up by the hair and
smashed it to the floor. He spit iri his face
repeatedly, crashing his head again to the '

floor. II I I m not some goddamned 1a b

animal, Jim! 11m your friend, aren't
I? Whydidn't you stop it? Whydidn't
you hel p?" He coul d feel Spock behi nd
him now, his hands gripping like '

steel, but he tore even against the

Vulcanls strength. "You don't know.
Don't tell me you know!" At last
the Vulcan's arms stretched
around him in a crushing lock.
McCoygave in to it, spent,
aware that Kirk was angry at
Spock for what he was doing.
"Finish it, Spock," he whispered.
"For godls sake, please...finish it."
"I would not do that, Leonard,1I
the Vulcan said gently. McCoyshook
in his arms, all the fear and anger
surging through him. And as Kirk re-
gained himself, Spock turned McCoyin
his arms and drew him close in an embrace. '

"It is good," the Vulcan whispered hoarsely,

smiling at Kirk. IIFeel it all, Leonard. Feel
what you must feel to be alive again. Scream
at us, to be free. We love you."
"They hurt me, II McCoysobbed. "I...I'm
a coward. I wanted 11 He glanced up apolo-
getically as Kirk's hand touched his head,
then gave a sigh and dropped hi~ face once
more to Spock's shoulder. "I just...wanted
you... to makethem stop. II
"I know." Gently, Kirk took him from
Spockls arms and helped him to the bed.
"It isn't a sin to hate us for that, Bones."
"Right then...I was in too much pain,
Jim. I didn't remember things...didn't
know. I just believed you didn't care. II
Kirk sat beside him, torn between;a
need to help and a need to spare Spock 'the

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rage of emotion that had them all. The Vulcan's face was streaked with
silent tears, and Kirk could see the price would be heavy for what had
happened here. Instinctively, he knew that Spock would seek his own private
way to heal. A Vulcan way. But for now, Kirk's attention fell to McCoy.
IIWe're here now, Bones. And we're going to stick with you...this time.1I
He wrapped his friend in his arms, holding him almost too tight. IIThey
won't get you again, because we'll be here till the last of the nightmares
a're done. II Spock moved behind McCoyand Kirk watched him for some kind of
affirmation. He wondered: Is the price paid yet for Minara? He hoped to
hell that it was. NowMcCoycould talk, could admit the pain and the con-
flicting feelings that trauma 'had forced him to bury.
-
He looked anxiously at Spock would he be all right?
Then, as if in answer, the Vulcan's hand rested on McCoy's head. lilt's
over, Leonard.1I
For the first time, Kirk understood just how fine a love Spock's was,
and how deep. The three sat together until the pain of the hour was gone,
and as McCoyfell asleep in his arms, Kirk smiled thankfully at the alien
who was their friend.

There are three

united in the simplest way
A brotherhood.
Mind
Body
Soul
One spirit
Three destinies
An inheritance Qf hope
a newborn star
They vindicate the future
And prophesy of love.

M.T.
(the Alien)
. .

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