10 Rules of Effective Peer-to-Peer

Communications
Sharlyn Lauby

Much of the work we do every day depends on having a positive working relationship
with our colleagues. Yes, having a good rapport with the boss is important, but some of
us can go days without speaking to our boss. Ah but co-workers? We talk to them every
single day.

Being able to communicate effectively with our peers helps us get our jobs done by
answering questions, sharing information, and offering feedback. Not to mention that
effective communication can bring fun and energy to the workplace.

To make the most of your peer-to-peer (P2P) communications, there are 10 rules you
should follow:

Follow these 10 rules for effective peer-to-peer communications

1. Understand your communication style. The first rule of communication is to

become self-aware and realize how you like to communicate.

Are you a direct, "just the facts ma'am" communicator? Are you a storyteller? Are you
more systematic and logical? Is your relationship with the other person a critical aspect
of the communication?

Knowing your preferred style of communication will be incredibly valuable when dealing
with others. And essential when the message you need to deliver isn't a positive one.

Understanding Your Communication Style

There are four main styles of communication: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive,
and assertive.

Passive Communication

 Not expressing feelings or needs; ignoring your own personal rights and allowing others to do so
 Deferring to others for decision making in order to avoid tension or conflict
 Often leads to misunderstanding, built-up anger, or resentment
 Can be a safer communication option when a conflict may escalate to violence
Examples include statements like “I’m okay with whatever you want to do”; body language
includes failing to make eye contact or looking down.

Aggressive Communication

 Expressing feelings, needs, and ideas at the expense of others; ignoring others’ rights in order to
support your own
 Defensive or hostile when confronted by others
 Often alienates and hurts others
 Can help meet your needs quickly

Examples include statements like “this is what we’re doing,” or “get over it”; body language
includes crossing arms, eye rolling, or finger pointing.

Passive-Aggressive Communication

 Appearing passive on the surface, but subtly acting out anger

 Exerting control over others by using sarcasm and indirect communication, or avoiding the
conversation
 Limited consideration for the rights, needs, or feelings of others

Examples include passive statements and body language followed by giving the "silent
treatment", spreading rumors, and sabotaging another person’s efforts.

Assertive Communication

 Direct, honest communication of thoughts and feelings

 Respecting the feelings, ideas, and needs of others while also asserting your own
 May not be effective when interacting with individuals that threaten your personal safety
 People often misinterpret assertive behavior as aggressive – Americans and women are often
mislabeled as a result

Examples include “I” statements like “I feel...when you…and I need for you to do…”; body
language includes eye contact, straight posture, and relaxed gestures.

Keep in Mind
2. Reflect on how others react to your communications. Think about the last five
conversations you had that didn't go well and ask yourself the reason. Then think about
the last five communications you had that went really well and the reason. Identify the
common elements or trends.

3. Share the best way for others to communicate with you. Years ago, I had a boss
who, every time he took a personality assessment, would share a copy of the results with
his team. At first, I thought it was goofy. But then I realized he was trying to tell me how
to communicate with him. And that was priceless.

4. Communicate on the other person's channel. Once you know how another person
wants to receive communication, it's your responsibility to communicate that way.

If you don't know how someone wants to hear the message, ask them. "I'd like to talk
with you about the ABC proposal. Would tomorrow morning be a good time?" or "I
need some answers from you regarding the ABC proposal. Would you like me to setup a
meeting to discuss it or should I send an email?"

5. Learn how stress impacts communications. When people are under stress, they
react differently. I've seen employees totally botch up conversations because they so
desperately needed to get their message out, they couldn't wait for the recipient to be
ready to receive it. That's what stress will do.

6. Deliver messages at the right moments. Ever work with an employee who came in
early, never said hello, and immediately started working? I felt sorry for the co-worker
who would saunter over with their coffee to talk about last night's game. Obviously, they
didn't read the signs that the employee was trying to get something done, and it was
the wrong time for conversation.

7. Use the proper tools. It's time for all of us to realize there are some messages you
can send on Twitter, others that should be sent via email, and then those that need a
voice-to-voice conversation. Using the right medium to send a message can make all
the difference in the world when it comes to how your message will be received.

8. Recognize others in a way that makes them feel good. Recognizing others isn't
just a task for management. You should recognize your co-workers for a job well done
and when they help you do your job better.

And, this is where tip #1 is so necessary. The way you want to be recognized isn't always
the way others want to be recognized. For recognition to be effective, it has to be given
in a way that makes the other person feel important.
9. Be empathetic. This applies to many of the rules above. If you take a moment to put
yourself in your co-workers shoes, it can positively impact your communications with
them. Whether they're happy or stressed, you can either share in their enthusiasm or
contribute to their frustration.

10. And if, after all of this, the communication gets messed up, don't let it
fester. Fix it. Yes, there will be times when, no matter how hard you try, the
communication will not go as planned. Instead of ignoring the situation and potentially
having it get worse, have a conversation with your co-worker. Let them know that
having a positive working relationship is important, and you'd like to talk it out.

The working relationships we have with our peers can make us or break us. Developing
good communications with them benefits everyone and makes coming to work a whole
lot easier.