Observations and Evaluations

• Observation: Start criticism with an irrefutable fact.

• Example: "You said you'd send the document last week, and I haven't
received it."
• Evaluation: Avoid evaluative language that leads to emotions.
• Example: "You're lazy" is an evaluation; stick to observations.
Emotions
• Express how the observation made you feel.
• Example: "I feel frustrated because I haven't received the document."
Universal Needs
• Identify the unmet universal need behind the emotion.
• Example: Frustration may stem from the need for clarity or reliability.
Requests vs. Demands
• Make requests instead of demands for cooperative problem-solving.
• Example: "I request for you to send the document promptly."

Observations and Evaluations:

Observation: Initiating criticism with an incontrovertible fact lays the foundation for
effective communication. For instance, articulating, "You mentioned sending the
document last week, and unfortunately, it hasn't reached me yet," establishes a clear
starting point for discussion. This factual basis serves as a reference point for both
parties.
Evaluation: The importance of steering clear from evaluative language that could
potentially incite emotions cannot be overstated. A constructive approach involves
focusing on observations rather than resorting to subjective evaluations. By refraining
from labels like "lazy," we maintain a neutral ground, fostering a more conducive
atmosphere for understanding and resolution.
Emotions:
Expressing how observations make you feel is a crucial aspect of effective
communication. Elaborating on emotions, such as stating, "I feel frustrated because the
document hasn't been received," adds a layer of personal perspective. This expression not
only conveys the emotional impact but also invites empathy and understanding from the
other party.
Universal Needs:
Delving deeper into the emotional response, it becomes vital to identify the unmet
universal need behind the expressed feelings. In the case of frustration, the unmet needs
might revolve around a desire for clarity regarding the document's status or an
expectation of reliability in communication. Recognizing and articulating these
underlying needs opens the door to addressing the root causes of emotional responses.
Requests vs. Demands:
Shifting from a confrontational tone to one of cooperative problem-solving involves
making requests instead of demands. An illustrative example is, "I kindly request for you
to prioritize sending the document promptly." This approach fosters collaboration and
encourages a solution-oriented mindset, promoting a more positive and productive
dialogue between parties involved.

Handling Disagreements
• Divide and Conquer
• Assign responsibilities early to avoid conflicts in specific areas.
• Ownership and Resolution
• Clearly define what constitutes success and failure in each area.
• Determine when interference is necessary.
• Documented Process
• Establish a process for handling disagreements.
• Document decisions, rationales, and responsibilities.
• Know Yourself
• Understand your attachment style.
• Recognize your needs for space or validation.
• Non-Violent Communication
• Use the structure: observation, feeling, universal need, request.
• Avoid making criticisms personal.
Dealing with Emotions
• Recognize evaluative emotions and dig deeper to find the underlying
feelings.
• Example: Feeling blamed might mean feeling scared.
Universal Needs
• Needs should be universal, not specific to an individual or situation.
• Example: Request for support should focus on transparency as a universal
need.
Requests
• Requests are invitations for cooperative problem-solving.
• Example: "I request your support in providing transparency."

Who: When providing constructive criticism, it is critical to base your remarks on

solid evidence. This guarantees that your input is based on fact rather than your
personal opinion..
What: Effective feedback involves conveying information without using harsh
language.. Instead of making statements like "You're lazy," focus on tangible
actions or outcomes, such as "You said you'd send the document last week, and I
haven't received it." This change from judgment to observation creates a more
neutral and collaborative conversation.
When: Emotions often accompany feedback. It's important to express how an
observation made you feel. This emotional layer adds a human touch to your
communication. For example, "I feel frustrated because I haven't received the
document."
Where: Going beyond surface-level emotions, delve into the underlying universal
needs associated with those feelings. Understanding that irritation may arise from a
need for clarity or trust helps in understanding the issue.
Why: Uncovering the root cause behind emotions serves as a crucial step in
addressing concerns at their source. By identifying the unmet universal need, you
pave the way for more targeted and effective solutions.
How: The method of communication matters. Instead of issuing demands that can
escalate tensions, frame your expectations as requests. For instance, "I request you
to send the document promptly." This approach promotes a cooperative problem-
solving mindset, fostering collaboration and positive outcomes.