I have struggled with feelings of unworthiness for as long as I can remember from the outside my life look

pretty perfect when I was growing up my parents had a happy marriage we're supportive and earned enough
for us to be more than comfortable I was mostly happy but I also had a deep sense that something was wrong
with me my most painful moments were at parties when I went to black parties my friends made fun of me
because I was rhythmically challenged and I couldn't get my awkward middle school body to mimic the latest
dance moves as the only black girl at parties associated with my predominantly white school I was never
chosen to dance I was never the object of anyone's attention I felt like I didn't belong so around age 12 I
decided that the way to cure these feelings of unworthiness was perfection I would be chosen I would really
be happy so I threw myself into formal dance classes worked hard in school and tried to be a supportive and
selfless friend myself this team was high when I got the grades and felt included

the crashed when I didn't do well academically or was left out in college I don't go classes and tutoring and the
black student union and student government step team barely giving myself time to breathe to think to be after
college my attention turned to trying to find a relationship to feel the void the anxiety and ups and downs I
experienced in this quest were exhausting I remember going out to bars and clubs and just like in junior high
was rarely the one chosen to dance I began to question my attractiveness would my brown skin and kinky hair
be accepted by a potential partner despite these questions I held on to the hope that if I could just find
someone to love me then I would finally feel worthy I'll let you in on a secret not the perfectionism the
busyness the relationships well maybe some of it did for a moment right after starting a new relationship or
getting a good grade I felt worthy but soon enough my feelings of self worth slipped away and I was on to
pursuing the next thing as soon as I reached the bar I had set for my worth it was raised have you ever
experienced that I'm standing here today because after several years of therapy spiritual growth and the PHD
in clinical psychology I have begun to cultivate an unconditional self-worth that I'm not good enough the
anxiety that not doing things perfectly or meeting the right person means that I'm not okay I'm embracing
myself quirks and all and this New path is liberating and livening and life-giving let me share what I've
learned with you in the hopes that you'll join me on this journey to unconditional self-worth you may be
wondering if this is just another talk on self-esteem no self-worth is distinct from self-esteem our self-esteem
is derived from our abilities accomplishments social positions and things we believe we can achieve in
contrast unconditional self-worth is distinct from our abilities and accomplishments it's not about comparing
ourselves to others it's not something that we can have more or less of unconditional self-worth is the sense
that you deserve to be alive to be loved and cared for to take up space as a clinical psychologist I believe that
pervasive low self-worth is a root cause of mental illness and over the last decade we've seen a rise in mental
illness throughout the US and the world according to the world health organization depression is the leading
cause of ill health and disability and disability worldwide think about that for a moment the leading cause of
illness and disability is not diabetes physical injury or cancer the leading cause of ill health and disability
throughout the world is depression additionally according to the anxiety and depression association of
America 40 million people over the age of 18 suffer from anxiety disorders that's almost five times the
number of people living in New York city low self-worth can lead to anxiety and depression it can lead people
to opt out of life and numb out on drugs and alcohol even attempts suicide because the pain of feeling
unworthy is too much to bear I have sat with hundreds of students at one of the top universities in the country
and when we explore their concerns and dig to the root we often find that they are struggling with a deep
sense of unworthiness so how did we get here how do we get to a place where so many of us struggle with low
self-worth a place where more and more people are living with mental illness and addiction I believe there are
many factors that cause us to feel this way advertisements tell us that we need to buy things to be loved
accepted or to succeed or educational system teaches us that our worthiness and students is based on our
grades or test scores our parents may have implied that they love us more if we made the honor roll or the
varsity team those of us who have experienced abuse sexual assault and trauma may question our personhood
and very right to exist and is social media pervades our lives we have begun to feel that our worthiness is
based on the number of followers we have and likes we get whatever the cause for many of us are self-worth
is tied to our accomplishments and possessions and as soon as we fail or lose approval we experience low self-
worth unconditional self-worth is the antidote to low self-worth unconditional self-worth is a way out of self-
criticism shame and unhealthy behavior it is a way out of depression anxiety and substance abuse it is time for
us to base our worth on the fact that we are human to cultivate a worth that persists even when life does not go
as we hoped so what keeps us from cultivating unconditional self-worth some people may fear that if they get
too satisfied with themselves they won't be motivated to grow and change others may feel that accepting
themselves as worthy would be arrogant and some may simply believe that feeling worthy is impossible I
often wonder what the world would look like if we all cultivated unconditional self-worth what would you
find the courage to do if you knew you were worthy what would you dare to dream if your self-worth wasn't
at stake what would you stop doing if you knew you were already worthy I believe people would resolve
conflicts without violence that more people would dare to do amazing things I believe that if our self worth
wasn't on the line the world would look a lot better and more peaceful for all of us now that's a reimagining
worthy of our consideration so how do we make this vision real

cultivating unconditional self-worth is an ongoing practice here are four ways you can begin to feel more
worthy starting right here right now first forgive yourself many of us struggle to feel worthy because we are
angry with ourselves about past mistakes forgiveness involves acknowledging and accepting what has
happened acceptance releases us from blaming ourselves and others and allows us to move forward to forgive
yourself reflect on the circumstances that led to past mistakes acknowledge the pain you experience and
identify what you learned from the situation then say to yourself I forgive you in an honest and kind way

second practice self-acceptance I think many of us struggle with low self-worth because we think there's
something wrong with us and we refuse to accept ourselves the way we are we receive so many messages that
we are not okay the way we are we're told that we need to change our bodies our clothes our jobs even our
personalities to be acceptable see if you can let go of the thoughts you have about how you think you should
feel look and be different instead focus on the things you like about yourself and over time begin to embrace
your quirks your awkward laugh your crooked smile your unusual way of thinking about things through this
acceptance you were acknowledging that you are worthy just the way you are

step 3 be there for yourself when life gets rough I think many of us abandon ourselves during times of
challenge we engage in self criticism which only leaves us feeling worse and what we need most when we are
going through a difficult time is for someone to say I see you I see how badly you're hurting I'm here and we
can do this for ourselves the next time you experience emotional pain acknowledge how you are feeling and
offer yourself some comfort place your hand on your chest or give yourself a hug and say something kind and
soothing to yourself

finally connect to supportive people low self-worth can leave us feeling isolated and alone and when we
think there's something wrong with us we tend to pull away from our relationships knowing that we ร are not
alone in our struggles and pain reminds us that challenges do not make us unworthy connecting to supportive
people helps us to get in touch with our humanity and our sense of worth this journey to unconditional self-
worth is not always easy the path is not straight or smooth and you'll face setbacks along the way I certainly
have it takes courage to free yourself from the conditions you've placed on your worth the process of
forgiveness can be messy it can be scary to accept ourselves as we are being there for ourselves can put us
face to face with emotional pain I'm connecting to others can make us feel vulnerable and I'm here to tell you
that this journey is beautiful and worth taking on this journey you will find strength be grounded in your
humanity and know that you are worthy so I challenge you to embrace yourselves and begin living from a
place of worthiness to find your metaphorical dance floor and move freely yes I said dance floor and I return
to the dance floor because that's where my own struggles with unworthiness began but I've learned a few new
moves since junior high last summer I went to the Hyde park jazz festival by myself and as I sat watching
people dancing to the live music I longed to get up and join them but all of my old insecurities about my
dance moves and not being chosen showed up luckily an elderly man invited me to dance and after a song or
two I began dancing on my own and that's the notes of Latin jazz filled the air and I moved my body to the
rhythm I felt free I felt exuberant I felt full of life I felt worthy thank you