Pham Do Minh Thu

Topic: In recent years, online education is becoming more and more popular.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon? Use specific
details examples to explain your opinion. (Version 1)
Answer:
Online learning is among the prevailing trends in the education sector that have
emerged in the context of the Covid-19 pandemic. As far as I’m concerned,
although students and academic institutions alike have found numerous benefits
of this platform, there is a flip side to the coin.
On the one hand, there are several advantages of online learning that explain why
e-learning may be the greatest revolution in today’s education. The most
significant would be that this method is an efficient concept of education during
the setting of the pandemic. As a matter of fact, the current increase in its
adoption by schools is to direct their actions toward the alignment between local
and global policies to overcome the transmission of the Covid-19 and guarantee
the regulation of academic curriculum. Furthermore, another noteworthy feature
of online classes is reduced financial costs. This is owing to the fact that online
learning eliminates the amount of money spent on student transportation,
student meals, and study materials, which is also beneficial to the environment.
On the other hand, although online degree programs are designed to eradicate
some of the challenges of the traditional educational environment, there are
several hurdles that students and instructors must overcome. Firstly, there are
minimal physical interactions between students and teachers. To illustrate, many
students have trouble learning with hardly any interactions and might find that
they are unable to work effectively in a team setting, which can be a reason for
the higher drop-out rates among students. Secondly, one of the biggest
disadvantages of online learning is the increased opportunities to cheat. In fact,
some students are too dependent on several apps to assist with their
assignments, which leads to failure for teachers to assess their real abilities, as
well as creating a certain dependence on despicable schemes.
In conclusion, online education has both advantages and shortcomings. Although
it is an excellent learning method that can help develop a student’s performance,
it should not replace conventional education as it cannot fully replace the human
relationships that develop in a group.

Marking Criteria:
Format 1/1
Content 3.5/4
Language Use 1.5/3
Accuracy 1/2
Total 7/10

that have emerged:

⇨ the verb ‘emerge’ seem not necessary in this sentence as the noun
‘prevailing trends’ above does entail the meaning of ‘had emerged’
⇨ You can cut out this part without losing any of the impact
As far as I’m concerned; As a matter of fact; In fact
⇨ These phrases seem either wordy or unnecessary
⇨ I suggest cutting out those
platform
⇨ ‘Platform’ seems not correctly used in this context
⇨ You can replace by using ‘program’, ‘approach’ or ‘scheme’
e-learning may be the greatest revolution in today’s education
⇨ The noun ‘revolution’ refers to ‘a great change in conditions, ways of
working’. However, e-learning does not bring about such a change because in
today’s education traditional face-to-face classes still exist and are not totally
replaced by the online approach of study. Therefore, this noun seem misused
⇨ I suggest replacing ‘revolution’ by ‘shift’ or ‘innovation’
The most significant would be
⇨ This part of the sentence seem not clear
⇨ I suggest include a noun after the adjective ‘significant’ such as ‘reason’
or you can consider using ‘One argument for this is that’
an efficient concept
⇨ ‘Efficient’ means ‘with no waste of time, money or energy’; ‘concept’ is
more of an ‘idea’ than ‘a change’. ‘An efficient concept’ seems inappropriate to
refer to e-learning. Therefore, the use of this phrase appears incorrect
⇨ I suggest using the phrase ‘an effective strategy/change’
setting of the pandemic -> pandemic setting
⇨ This phrase may be wordy. Consider changing the wording
its
⇨ The owner of the action adopting is 'schools', so 'theirs' instead of 'its'
may be correct
to direct their actions toward the alignment between local and global policies
⇨ This phrase may be unclear. Also, the word ‘alignment’ seem misused
⇨ I suggest rewriting it by ‘to direct their actions toward the local policies
in concordance with global about pandemic restrictions’
reduced financial costs
⇨ This phrases seem unclear
⇨ Consider replacing it by ‘a marked reduction in extra expenses that
students have to cover beside tuitions fee’
owing to the fact that
⇨ This phrase may be wordy
⇨ Consider replacing it by ‘because’ or ‘since’
eliminates
 ⇨ This verb seem not go with ‘money’
⇨ The verb ‘minimize’ may be more suitable
student transportation
⇨ This phrase seem misused
⇨ Consider removing the word ‘student’
degree
⇨ This word may be unnecessary
⇨ Consider removing it
eradicates
⇨ This verb seems misused because it means ‘destroy or get rid of
something completely’. Also, it doesn’t go with the noun ‘challenges’ after that
⇨ Consider replacing it by ‘respond to’
the challenges of the traditional educational environment
⇨ It seems that you haven’t explained in detail about ‘the challenges of the
traditional educational environments’. What are the challenges?
instructors
⇨ This noun refers to ‘a person whose job is to teach somebody a practical
skill or sport’, so it is not suitable in this context
⇨ Consider using the word ‘educators’
To illustrate
⇨ This phrase seems misused because after that you continue on giving an
explanation for the argument above, not exactly an example
⇨ consider removing it
many students have trouble learning with hardly any interactions and might find
that they are unable to work effectively in a team setting
 ⇨ In order to be clear, you should consider divide this sentence into two
such as ‘Many students have trouble learning with hardly any interactions. They
might find themselves unable to work effectively in a team setting’
in a team setting
⇨ ‘A team setting’ may not a quality of online learning. In order to be
logical, you can consider removing it
failure for teachers to
⇨ ‘of’ may be more suitable
real abilities
⇨ ‘Real’ seems not go with ‘ability’
⇨ Consider replacing it by ‘actual’
as well as creating a certain dependence on despicable schemes.
⇨ This phrase is either repetitive or unclear
develop a student’s performance
⇨ ‘Develop’ seemed not go with ‘performance’. Consider replacing it by
‘enhance’ or ‘improve’

*All of my comments and suggestions may not be suitable with your ideas, so
you can consider replacing it if necessary
Commenter version 1: Vu Hoang Giang