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ANXIETY SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER TREATMENT AND THERAPY

How to Forget Things On Purpose

By Arlin Cuncic, MA Updated on November 14, 2022

Medically reviewed by Shaheen Lakhan, MD, PhD, FAAN

Verywell / Laura Porter

Table of Contents

How Does Memory Work?

Tips to Fade a Memory

Coping With Unwanted Memories

Why Emotional Memories Are Hard to Forget

Impact of a Negative Memory

VIEW ALL

There are many reasons you might want to forget a memory. Some
memories can make you cringe with embarrassment, while others may be
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more distressing or traumatic. Maybe you just don't want to be reminded

of certain people or things from the past as you go about your day.

For some, memories fade away with time. However, especially if you have
an anxiety condition such as social anxiety disorder (SAD) or a trauma-
related disorder such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it may feel
like you're constantly reliving moments from the past that you'd rather
forget. [1] For some, the sudden reappearance of certain memories can be
deeply disturbing or even debilitating.

This article discusses some of the steps you can take if you want to forget
a memory—or lessen its impact, at least.

How Does Memory Work?

The basic functions of memory are encoding, storing, and retrieving. [2]
Encoding is the process of learning information. Then, our brain stores
information, either in short-term memory or long-term memory.

While short-term memories don't last long in the brain, some are passed
along to our long-term memory, where there is limitless space. Retrieval
is the process of recalling our memories. Sights and sounds in our
environment can trigger our brain to retrieve a long-term memory, even
if we'd rather not remember it.

While we tend to forget mundane information, our brains are more likely
to store information that is attached to strong emotions. For instance, a
series of studies found that participants were more likely to recall
information that was tied to either negative or positive emotions better
than they were able to recall neutral information. [3]

Shaheen Lakhan, MD, PhD, FAAN, board-certified neurologist and

member of the Verywell Mind Review Board, explains that forgetting a
memory has more to do with processing the emotions attached to the
memory.

“ Many techniques to 'forget a bad memory'

stem from gradually disassociating the
memory from its negative emotional basis.”

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— SHAHEEN LAKHAN, MD, PHD, FAAN

Researchers have long been seeking ways to help people intentionally

forget. While it is not likely that you'll be able to remove unwanted
memories from your brain, you can employ strategies like identifying your
memory, processing your emotions, and finding out your memory triggers
to prevent the memory from disrupting your life.

Tips to Fade a Memory

There are steps that you can take to lessen a memory's emotional impact
and make it less intrusive. Remember that it takes time and practice to
fade a memory, so don't become discouraged if it doesn't happen as
quickly as you'd like.

1. Identify your memory. It might sound counterintuitive, but if you want to

forget something, it's helpful to first remember it. [4] What are the sights,
sounds, and feelings attached to the memory?
2. Process your emotions. Instead of trying to avoid any unwanted feelings
attached to the memory, let yourself feel them. You can also try working
with a therapist to learn healthy ways to cope with difficult emotions.
3. Find out what triggers your memory. Maybe every time you see the type of
car your ex-partner drove, your brain retrieves a memory of your breakup.
Or, maybe it's the smell of chicken soup that reminds you of your mom,
and you become overwhelmed by memories of her funeral. Take note of
the triggers that cause your memory to come back.
4. Try substituting the memory. Dr. Lakhan notes, "It is better to replace our
attention with healthy alternatives than to try to actively push down those
memories." For instance, when you see the kind of car your ex-partner
drove, try thinking of a time you drove to the beach in that car instead of
focusing on the breakup memory. Eventually, you will train your brain to
replace the undesirable memory with the new one.
5. Practice a healthy lifestyle. Stress and a lack of sleep can trigger unwanted
memories. [5] Be sure you're getting enough sleep, eating a nutritious diet,
and exercising. Maintain a healthy lifestyle that will boost your mental
and emotional health. Practicing mindfulness can help keep your thoughts
in the present moment. [6]

Read Next: What Is Mindfulness?

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Coping With Unwanted Memories

As you follow the steps to forget a memory, it's helpful to delve deeper
into the work behind forgetting. There are practical tips you can follow
that make your unwanted memories feel less intimidating and much more
manageable.

Address Memory Triggers

Does the unwanted memory tend to crop up in specific situations? Or are
there certain things, people, or settings that remind you of this memory?

Once you understand when the memory comes up most often, you can
start taking steps to address the issue. While it might be tempting to
simply try to avoid those triggers, finding realistic ways to cope when you
are faced with your triggers is often a more effective and realistic solution
in the long run.

Social Triggers and SAD

Letting go of memories can be difficult for many people, but it can be
particularly challenging for people with social anxiety. It may feel as
though you've built up a "memory bank" filled with all of the social
situations you remember as being shameful and embarrassing. [7]

Related: Living With Social Anxiety Disorder

Use Cognitive Behavioral Strategies

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a form of therapy that works to
change the negative thoughts that contribute to psychological problems.
You can utilize some of the strategies used in CBT on your own to help
change how your respond to your memories.

One form of CBT known as exposure therapy can be particularly effective

when you are dealing with a memory. The idea behind exposure therapy is
to gradually and progressively expose yourself to the thing that you fear.

For example, if you have a memory of being bitten by a dog as a child, you
may have developed a fear of dogs. By gradually exposing yourself to dogs
in a safe and controlled manner, the memory that triggered your fear will
gradually become more bearable.

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Utilize Relaxation Techniques

Using relaxation techniques can be another effective tactic that can help
reduce the negative impact of memories. Such techniques may include
deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, and guided
imagery.

Pairing these strategies with gradual exposure to your triggers can also
help you learn new ways to calm yourself in response to those memories.

Practice Mindfulness
You could also try to practice mindfulness when memories come back to
you. Mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment without
worrying about the past or future.

Instead of allowing yourself to become engrossed in the memory, try

bringing your attention to something in the present moment such as a
sight or smell. Grounding yourself in the present moment can take your
focus off of the memory and minimize its effects on your emotions.

Try Self-Acceptance
Perfectionism can sometimes make memories seem more distressing. If
you have a need to always be seen as perfect, the memories of past
mistakes can make it difficult to move forward.

If your memories center around times you have made mistakes, try
making mistakes and doing things wrong on purpose. In time, if you are
out there seeking to embarrass yourself, memories of those situations will
have a different flavor.

Tell yourself that you deserve acceptance now, at the moment, rather than
at some future time when you have become the "perfect" person.
Practicing self-acceptance can help blunt the impact of those memories.

Develop Other Coping Strategies

When past experiences contribute to feelings of anxiety, it makes sense
that the elimination of memories of these events would help to lessen
your symptoms.

If you tend to have flashbacks or "cringe attacks" about shameful

situations from the past, it may be helpful to keep a journal in which you

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record happy or positive events as well. Anytime you remember a negative

memory, try to follow it up with a positive one.

In response to flashbacks, you could also have a few phrases that you
repeat to yourself, such as "that event does not define me." Reminding
yourself that your bad memories don't control or define who you are now
can help reduce their power.

Above all else, don't use negative strategies to forget bad memories,
such as using drugs or alcohol.

Why Emotional Memories Are Hard to Forget

Emotional memories are often difficult to forget because of the
involvement of an area of the brain that plays an important role in
controlling behaviors that are important to your survival, including
feelings of fear.

Emotional memories are more memorable because of a structure in the

brain called the amygdala. The amygdala plays an important role in how
emotions and memories are processed and encoded. Research suggests
that different parts of the amygdala are responsible for positive and
negative memories. [8]

Memories tend to be more memorable because when they are

accompanied by intense emotions. Research suggests that the more
intense the memory is, the more vivid the resulting memory of that
event will be. [9]

While being able to remember feelings of fear can be adaptive in some

cases, it can become a problem when it leads to lingering memories that
make it difficult to function in normal everyday life.

While letting go of old associations can be difficult, learning new ways to

control these memories can help you feel less distressed when they come
to mind.

Impact of a Negative Memory

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Negative memories can impact behavior in a variety of ways. Sometimes

you might go out of your way to avoid situations that might trigger a
negative memory. In other cases, you might experience full-blown
flashbacks where you feel as if you are re-living a traumatic event.

Some other ways that a bad memory might affect how your feel, think, or
behave include:

Physical responses: A memory might trigger physical symptoms of

anxiety or fear. For example, you might experience sweating, trembling,
shaking, increased heart rate, and rapid breathing.
Emotional responses: A memory can also cause you to experience a wide
range of emotions including sadness, anxiety, terror, or embarrassment.
Cognitive responses: Memories can also affect how you think about
yourself and your ability to cope. For example, stressing out over the
memory of a negative social experience can make you doubt your abilities
to succeed in social situations.

When to Get Help

While there are a number of things you can do to help forget a memory or
lessen its impact, there are times when you should consider seeking
professional help. If memories are contributing to other symptoms such
as depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or feelings of panic, you should
talk to your doctor.

A health professional can make a diagnosis based on your symptoms and

recommend treatments that can help. They may recommend
psychotherapy to help you learn new ways to cope with your memories.
They may also prescribe medications that can help you manage associated
symptoms of anxiety and depression, if appropriate.

New treatments for memory problems may also be on the horizon.

Research has shown that a brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) gene
variation is related to fear generation. BDNF gene therapy could be used in
the future, by altering genes that contribute to fear and anxiety. [10]

In the same way, the Tac2 gene pathway has been shown to reduce the
storage of traumatic memories. As a result, a medication that blocks the
activity of this pathway could prevent the storage of traumatic memories
in the first place.

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While this approach would be most useful for post-traumatic stress

disorder (PTSD), this type of research may also eventually inform negative
memories in SAD. [11]

Recap

You can't erase a bad memory, but you can learn new coping
strategies that will lessen its power. Talk to your healthcare provider
if bad memories are affecting your ability to cope.

A Word From Verywell

Thinking back on the past is normal, but when memories disrupt your
everyday life, it can impact your mental health. If you notice your
unwanted memories are becoming more frequent and unmanageable,
consider consulting with your doctor. In particular, meeting with a
therapist who specializes in CBT may be helpful to generate strategies to
better cope with unwanted memories.

Related: The Best Online Therapy Programs We've tried, tested and
written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including
Talkspace, Betterhelp, and Regain.

11 Sources

By Arlin Cuncic, MA
Arlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of "Therapy in Focus: What to Expect
from CBT for Social Anxiety Disorder" and "7 Weeks to Reduce
Anxiety." She has a Master's degree in psychology.

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