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edition by William Wilmot

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 hockEr | WiLmot
Interpersonal Conflict examines the central principles of effective conflict NiNth EditioN
management in a wide variety of contexts—from personal relationships to workplace
relationships. Providing a balanced approach to theory and practice, the authors present
conflict management using the latest research and their own real-life experience.

Features of the Ninth Edition

and problems related to violations on Facebook and soldiers returning from war.

Interpersonal Conflict
Interpersonal Conflict
of negotiation.

What instructors are saying about Interpersonal Conflict

“Bill Wilmot and Joyce Hocker are well-known, knowledgeable scholars in the field and are
extremely qualified to be writing on the subject. Te authors’ real-life experiences with conflict
management, consulting and the like allow them to include great, illustrative examples.”
Melissa Maier, University of Wisconsin--Milwaukee
“I consider it my ‘conflict bible.’ Te concepts can be easily applied, the cited research is
credible and interesting and it balances a scientific emphasis with a humanitarian emphasis
which I feel most texts lack.”
Trista Vucetich Anderson, University of Minnesota--Duluth

MD DALIM #1219659 12/17/12 CYAN MAG YELO BLK

For student and instructor resources, please visit the dedicated online learning center at
www.mhhe.com/hocker9e

NiNth EditioN
JoycE L. hockEr
WiLLiam W. WiLmot
 Brief Contents
Preface xv
Acknowledgments xvii

v Part ONE Conflict Components 1

n Chapter 1 The Nature of Conflict 2

n Chapter 2 Perspectives on Conflict 37

n Chapter 3 Interests and Goals 73

n Chapter 4 Power: The Structure of Conflict 105

n Chapter 5 Conflict Styles 145

v Part TWO Special Applications 189

n Chapter 6 Emotions in Conflict 190

n Chapter 7 Analyzing Your Conflicts 221

n Chapter 8 Interpersonal Negotiation 247

n Chapter 9 Third-Party Intervention 278

n Chapter 10 The Practice of Forgiveness and

Reconciliation 303

References 344
Name Index 364
Subject Index 370

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 Contents
Preface xv
Acknowledgments xvii

v Part ONE Conflict Components 1

n Chapter 1 The Nature of Conflict 2

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal
Communication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
Family Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Love Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
The Workplace . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
The Importance of Skill Development . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
Preventing Destructive Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
Conflict Defined . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
An Expressed Struggle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
Interdependence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15
Perceived Incompatible Goals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
Perceived Scarce Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
Interference . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
Understanding Destructive Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
The Four Horsemen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
Stressful Drama Examples . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29
Escalatory Spirals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29
Avoidance Spirals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
Your Opportunities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
Summary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
Key Terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
Review Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36

n Chapter 2 Perspectives on Conflict 37

Your Personal History . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
More Reflections on Your Specific History . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38
Your Worldview Affects How You Think and Feel
about Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42
Negative Views of Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
Positive Views of Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46
Insights from Metaphors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48
Metaphors Reflecting Danger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .48
Listen and Learn from Metaphors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59

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The Lens Model of Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59

The Dangers of Single Focus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60
Identify The Filters on Your Lens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
Gender Filters . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 64
Cultural Filters . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67
Summary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71
Key Terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72
Review Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72

n Chapter 3 Interests and Goals 73

Types of Goals: TRIP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74
Topic Goals: What Do We Want? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75
Relational Goals: Who Are We to Each Other? . . . . . . . . 77
Identity, or Face-Saving, Goals: Who Am I in This
Interaction? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80
Process Goals: What Communication Process Will Be Used? . . 85
The Overlapping Nature of TRIP Goals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86
Goals Change in Interaction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 92
Prospective Goals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93
Transactive Goals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 94
Retrospective Goals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97
Goal Clarity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98
Clarify Your Goals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98
Estimate the Other's Goals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100
Collaborative Goals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101
Summary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103
Key Terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 104
Review Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 104

n Chapter 4 Power: The Structure of Conflict 105

What Is Power? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105
Orientations to Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 106
Designated Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107
Either/Or Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 108
Both/And Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 110
Power Denial . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113
A Relational Theory of Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 116
Defining Interpersonal Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 117
Individual Power Currencies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119
Resource Control . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 120
Interpersonal Linkages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 120
Communication Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121
Expertise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121

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Assessing Your Relational Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 122

Power Imbalances . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 126
High Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127
Low Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 128
Constructive Power Balancing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131
Techniques for Balancing Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 134
Dialogue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 134
Restraint . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135
Focus on Interdependence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 136
The Power of Calm Persistence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137
Stay Actively Engaged . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139
Empowerment of Low-Power People by High-Power People . 140
Metacommunication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 140
What to Say When You Are Low Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141
Summary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143
Key Terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143
Review Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 144

n Chapter 5 Conflict Styles 145

The Nature of Styles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 145
Assessing Your Styles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 146
Will You Avoid or Engage? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 148
Avoidance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 151
Avoidance and Culture . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153
The Avoid/Criticize Loop . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153
Avoiding . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 154
Dominating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 156
Destructive Domination . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 158
Threats . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159
Compromise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 161
Obliging . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 163
Integrating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 165
Cautions about Styles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 170
Beyond Styles: Harmful Conflict Actions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173
Verbal Aggressiveness and Verbal Abuse . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173
Bullying . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 175
Violence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 176
Patterns of Violence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 178
Explanations for Violence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 179
Interaction Dynamics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 181
Flexibility Creates Constructive Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 184
Being Stuck . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 184
Are You Stuck? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 185

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Summary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 186
Key Terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 187
Review Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 187

v Part TWO Special Applications 189

n Chapter 6 Emotions in Conflict 190

Introducing Emotion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 190
Misconceptions of Emotion in Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 194
A Model of Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 194
Finding Feelings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 196
Functions of Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 199
Functions of Negative Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 201
Functions of Positive Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 208
Core Concerns: Organizing Positive Emotions . . . . . . . . . 209
The Mid-Range: Zone of Effectiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 210
First Steps: Learn to Be a Warrior—of the Heart . . . . . . . 211
Personal Responsibility for Emotional Transformation . . . . . . 218
Summary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 219
Key Terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 220
Review Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 220

n Chapter 7 Analyzing Your Conflicts 221

Macro-Level Analysis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 222
Systems Theory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 222
Complex Conflict Patterns . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 226
Micro-Level Analysis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 238
Interaction Rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 238
Microevents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 239
Comprehensive Guides . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 242
Conflict Assessment Guide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 242
Difficult Conversations Guide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 245
Summary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 246
Key Terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 246
Review Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 246

n Chapter 8 Interpersonal Negotiation 247

Negotiation in Everyday Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 247
Negotiation Is One Path to Conflict Resolution . . . . . . . . . . . 249
Negotiation and Culture . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 250
Constructive Argumentation: Test Ideas, Not People . . . . . . . 252

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Approaches to Negotiation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 255

Competitive Negotiation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 255
Assumptions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 255
Communication Patterns . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 258
Disadvantages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 259
Integrative Negotiation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 260
Assumptions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 261
Balancing Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 262
Communication Patterns . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 262
Coaching for Integrative Negotiators: Putting It
Into Practice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 262
Nonspecific Compensation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 265
Disadvantages of Integrative Bargaining . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 267
Seven Elements of Principled Negotiation . . . . . . . . . . . . . 268
What Makes Implementing the Core Concerns
So Difficult? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 271
The Language of Integration . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 272
Competitive and Integrative Phases . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 275
Summary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 276
Key Terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 277
Review Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 277

n Chapter 9 Third-Party Intervention 278

The Need for Third Parties . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 278
Advantages of Using Skilled Third Parties . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 279
Informal Help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 279
Conditions for Helping . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 280
Cautions about Informal Intervention . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 282
Formal Intervention . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 283
The Intervention Continuum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 283
When the Parties Decide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 283
When an Outsider Decides . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 297
Summary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 301
Key Terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 302
Review Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 302

n Chapter 10 The Practice of Forgiveness and

Reconciliation 303
Forgiveness and Reconciliation in the Context of
Interpersonal Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 303
Some Definitions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 304
What’s to Forgive? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 305
Some Misconceptions about Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 308

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When There Is an Imbalance of Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 310

The Matter of Memory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 312
Decision or Process? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 314
Emphasizing Process over Decision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 315
Getting Stuck: Eddies in the River . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 319
The Personal and Interpersonal Dimensions
of Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 320
Gestures . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 323
The Value and Limits of Apology . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 325
Switching the Point of View: Receiving Forgiveness
and Forgiving Oneself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .330
Reconciliation: A Late Stage in the Journey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 332
Insights from History, Politics, and Literature . . . . . . . . . . 332
The Strand of Truth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 333
The Strand of Forbearance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 334
The Strand of Empathy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 336
Commitment to the Relationship out of Awareness
of Our Interdependence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 336
The Tie That Binds: A Multicultural Example
from Hawaii . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 338
Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 341
Summary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 341
Key Terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 342
Review Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 343

References 344
Name Index 364
Subject Index 370

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 Preface
We are pleased to still be engaged in the ever-evolving work of studying and writing
about conflict resolution. Since our first edition in 1978, approaches to interpersonal
conflict continue to grow in exciting and helpful ways. In this, our ninth edition of
Interpersonal Conflict, we are glad to have a chance to change along with the field.
All chapters reflect the latest research on interpersonal conflict. Some of the earlier
writings no longer need to be cited, as they are now taken for granted. They have been
removed to make the book more readable.
Chapter 1, “The Nature of Conflict,” retains the resilient definition of conflict that
has focused our work for three decades. Throughout, we have simplified and clarified
the writing and added cases where needed. This chapter now reflects an emphasis emerg-
ing in several disciplines on the narrative nature of ideas and analysis.
Chapter 2, “Perspectives on Conflict,” includes a new section on how one’s world-
view affects how you think and feel. We simplified the popular “metaphors” section in
a way that fits with the central theme of the book: that conflict presents both danger
and opportunity. The metaphors are now organized into those that present conflict as a
situation of danger or a situation of creative opportunity. This will make it easier for
students to use the ideas of narratives and metaphors of conflict in their own lives and
analyses.
Chapter 3, “Interests and Goals,” has become a cornerstone for teaching about why
conflicts happen. The TRIP acronym helps people understand the layers of conflict. We
have clarified and expanded applications of the topic, relationship, identity, and process
interests. Clarity of the TRIP goals gives hope for actual resolution instead of repeating
patterns that feel familiar, but lead nowhere.
Chapter 4, “Power,” retains the relational explanation of power set forth in earlier
editions. Through case studies showing how difficult it is to work with power, we show
you how to increase power for all parties through integrative communication approaches.
In this chapter we have removed decades of once useful but now outdated references.
Chapter 5 is now titled “Conflict Styles.” We removed the confusing designation
between styles and tactics, since the entire book is devoted to different communication
tactics. We focus, instead, on the central idea of five conflict styles. We have changed
“collaborative styles” to “integrative styles,” “avoiding” to “obliging,” and “competing”
to “dominating” to better reflect the current literature on conflict styles. We retain the
popular five-styles model, but change the format and designations on the model to
update the approach in the chapter. We footnote previous designations to clarify the
changes for the student.
Chapter 6, “Emotions in Conflict,” has been completely rewritten. We added a
model of emotions to assist readers in organizing and categorizing their feelings and
emotions. Developments in attachment theory and the adaptive nature of emotions
receive more attention. We expanded the section on the value of positive emotions and
the section on how to deal constructively with strong negative emotions. New case
studies and applications clarify the chapter.
We changed the title of Chapter 7 to “Analyzing Your Conflicts.” We keep most
of the conflict mapping tools from previous editions, but changed the focus to both

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 xvi Preface

macro-level and micro-level analysis. The two chapters, on emotion and thinking, work
together in a more complementary way.
Chapter 8, “Interpersonal Negotiation,” retains the organizational structure from
the last edition. However, we have expanded the ways that negotiation can be used in
organizational and everyday interpersonal situations. We have added new cases to illus-
trate the prevalence of the need to negotiate, and have added sections on the “heart
and soul” of the negotiator, emphasizing the need to preserve the relationship while
negotiating. We point out the clear advantages of integrative negotiation for interper-
sonal conflict. We added a section on negotiation in organizations, including a new case,
from the perspective of the employee, not an outside negotiator. We added new ideas
on balancing power, and a new section on “coaching for integrative negotiators,” which
gives practical suggestions for how to put integrative negotiation into practice. Overall,
the tone of the chapter fits more seamlessly with the rest of the book.
Chapter 9, “Third-Party Intervention,” remains the same, structurally, as in the last
edition. We added a new section on “coaching people in a system” that reflects the
popularity of communication coaching in organizations. We expanded an application
on mediation in family disputes, making it into an application that students can use in
class. We added an application on students as mediators—how they might follow this
path as a career by learning more about mediation.
Chapter 10, “The Practice of Forgiveness and Reconciliation,” (written by
Gary W. Hawk), has been considerably updated and changed. Definitions of both con-
cepts have been added and clarified. The section on making choices about whether to
forgive has been expanded, giving more questions for consideration. Misconceptions of
forgiveness now include a section on pseudo-forgiveness. The advantages of forgive-
ness for the party that was harmed are explored, with cautions against the pressure to
forgive, which can further harm a lower-power party. The chapter orients more toward
interpersonal forgiveness. Some of the political and literary examples have been omitted
or shortened. The chapter continues to focus on forgiveness as a process rather than an
outcome. Several new interpersonal cases were added to illustrate the process, including
one that focuses on soldiers returning from war and one that presents problems relating
to violations on Facebook. The section on apology, both public and private, is expanded.
We think you will like the changes and find the chapter a valuable resource, integrated
well into the rest of the book.
Let us know what you think! We pay close attention to responses from students
and professors. We receive each comment gratefully and like being in dialogue with you
about your experience with the book. Best wishes as you begin or continue the journey
of discover about interpersonal conflict.
Joyce L. Hocker and Bill Wilmot
Spring 2012
JoyceLHocker@aol.com
BillWilmot1@gmail.com

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 Preface xvii

nAcknowledgments
To the Reader from Joyce Hocker
Back in the early seventies when I began to study and write about conflict resolution
for my dissertation at the University of Texas, all I wanted to do was finish the project
and move on with my academic life. I found, however, that conflict theory and practice
moved right along with me, both in the unfolding of my academic life and then my
second career as a clinical psychologist. As it turned out, the study and transformation
of interpersonal conflict greatly enriched my life as a professor and a psychologist and
now again as a teacher, writer, retreat leader, and organizational communication coach.
I cannot imagine how different my life would have been had I chosen a different topic.
As we say in auto-ethnography, “the topic chose me.”
For the ninth edition of Interpersonal Conflict, I want to dedicate my work to my
father, Lamar Hocker. My Dad was a progressive minister in Georgia, North Carolina,
and Texas. He grew up in a small town in central Texas in a conventional family. From
there he went to college and seminary at Texas Christian University in Ft. Worth in
the 1930s and 40s where he met professors and studied literature that set his life course,
one that emphasized social justice and ethical choices. My mother, Jean, supported him.
Coming from a very modest family background in San Antonio, she studied religion
and journalism on scholarship at TCU and went to seminary for a year. Then they set
out together for what amounted to a team approach to ministry. My Dad was a power-
ful speaker and teacher. His strong voice lives inside me now. He was not, however, a
skillful manager of conflict, or the turmoil that erupted all too often along with the
social issues of the fifties, sixties, and seventies. My sister Janice and I used to wryly
comment that we had to go into the field of communication because we saw how poorly
communication was handled in the churches of our youth. My father was “right,” in our
family opinion, but did not know how to build support by constructively engaging the
parties to a conflict. So why am I dedicating this work to him? His values were rock
solid. His moral (but not judgmental) stance expressed who he was. He researched and
spoke about the issues of the day, and he firmly believed that all people are equal, and
that war was a tragedy. As a clergyman who did not join the chaplaincy in World War II,
he spent the rest of his active life explaining the principles and values of equality and
nonviolence (although he told me he knew that World War II had to be fought). As
oldest daughters often do when they have fathers who talk with them, ask them ques-
tions, respect them, and support them, I filled in what my father did not know how to
do very well—I learned how to teach and practice the art of conflict resolution. My
father read earlier editions of the book. He was proud of me and often said, “I needed
to know all of this back then.” I honor my Dad for having the courage of his convic-
tions, for raising his three children to uphold the same values, and for respecting our
ideas and individual identities.
I also join with Bill in honoring Jacqueline Gibson. Jacquie was a student of ours
in the seventies and eighties at the University of Montana—those early, exciting years
of teaching conflict resolution, mediation, bringing trainers to Montana, and generally
spreading the word about the “better way” of working through our difficulties with skill
and grace. Jacquie was part of all this creative ferment. At her memorial service, I said
that I had “ostensibly” been her teacher, but that really I learned as much from her as

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 xviii Preface

I might have taught her. We plowed new ground together and I am grateful for her
collaborative, cheerful, skillful influence, which I still feel.
I am also very grateful for my husband, Gary Hawk, not only for writing an excellent
chapter on forgiveness and reconciliation (for the fourth time), but for supporting me in
a wonderful way through the revision process through a dark and cold Montana winter.
He took real interest in the new ideas I was exploring, and encouraged me when the
process seemed long and tiring. He took me to Whitefish when I badly needed a break
and did not complain when all I wanted to do was sleep and read instead of explore
winter in Whitefish. Thanks for that well-timed trip, Gary. At a deeper level, Gary helps
me by studying ideas and practices in common, talking through these approaches, and
co-creating with me a home in which the practices of this book are common currency
as we live in this marriage together, for more than eighteen years now.
In the early phase of research for this edition, Georgie Ferguson provided expert
research assistance. I am especially grateful for a group of friends who helped, directly
or indirectly, with this book. My writers’ group, while encouraging me in many other
areas, read with great precision the revision of Chapter 6 on emotions in conflict. Leslie
Burgess, Nancy Heil, and Candace Crosby talked through ideas in that chapter and
provided a way for me to expand and clarify what I wanted to say. Thank you, writer
friends. Chris Fiore worked with me in our ongoing project with the Indian Health
Service, where we refined and practiced many of the ideas in this book. I appreciate
Chris for her ability to adapt to unforeseen organization challenges, and for making
travel such a delight. My former assistant and good friend Sally Brown has provided the
excellent index for four editions. She kept my business straight so I could focus on my
work, and now she helps me play and relax, even though I continue to be “play chal-
lenged.” Shannon Hall, former director of the Arkansas Court Ordered Mediation Proj-
ect, took the conflict class from my sister Janice years ago. She contacted me through
Tom Frentz, I taught several workshops, and in the process we became friends. Life and
work connects us, sometimes surprisingly, with people of like mind. Sally Thompson
and Diane Haddon, dear friends of many years, encourage me with their accepting and
perceptive friendship. They often remember aspects of my life that I have temporarily
forgotten, and lovingly remind me of what is truly important. Long-time friend Gayle
Younghein, who co-leads our winter retreats to Mexico and Central America, has also
become my summer Colorado friend, as we both claim our love for the Western Colorado
high country in Crested Butte and Tincup. Gale Young, who for many years has taught
from this book, reminds me to make it good since she has to teach from it. I appreciate
her wise and generous counsel.
Anne de Vore, Jungian analyst and cherished guide, continues to provide wise
counsel in many areas—topics in the book, how to set up my life of semi-retirement,
and always, to pay attention to the gifts of my dreams. Thank you, Anne, for your
original and continuing help with conflict and emotions, for talking with me about what
to teach and how to teach at this stage of my life, and for believing in me as a writer
and “free-lance human being,” a phrase I first heard from Anne. Anne remembers every
edition of this book and, like a Greek chorus commenting on the action, gives warnings,
helps me remember what is important, and urges me to heed what I find to be central.
I owe a great debt to all my former psychotherapy clients, many of whom gave
permission to me to use parts of their stories, disguised, and all of whom helped me refine

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 Preface xix

the ideas in this book over and over (especially the couples with whom Gary and I worked).
I continue to learn from work with long-term organizational clients, and from the people
who ask for immediate intervention in their organizational conflicts (which of course are
always interpersonal in nature). The practices we describe in this book are tested with
many people; all of them made a difference in the development of the ideas. I have the
delightful opportunity to return to teaching at this point in my life. At the Red Willow
Learning Center, I teach mental health providers and people from the community in a
beautiful, serene, “green building” directed with great expertise by long-time friend,
Kathy Mangan. I appreciate Kathy’s flawless organization and her invitation to me to teach
topics I love to teach. Also I very much enjoy my teaching at the Montana Osher Lifelong
Learning Institute at the University of Montana. There I teach “Life Writing” and
“Mending Words” to people over 50, learning again that we all carry stories that want to
be told and we all have relationships that need the art of restorative conversation. I learn
so much from working with these wonderfully motivated students. The venues are a pro-
fessor’s dream—bright, interested students, and no tests and papers to grade!
In recent years I have rejoined the National Communication Association, where
I connect with long-time colleagues and new friends and teachers. I especially appreci-
ate the community we’ve developed in the Southern States Communication Associa-
tion. I first started going to SSCA to see my sister Janice’s friends after her death, and
to have a good way to connect with Tom Frentz, my brother-in-law. Now I count on
my colleagues and friends there, and have found a home in the Ethnography division,
where I send memoirs that I write and sometimes get a chance to read before people
who love to hear good stories. I cannot write about this book without expressing my
love and gratitude for my years with my sister, Janice Hocker Rushing, who read six
editions with great care and was always our best reader. I have missed her in all ways
during these eight years without her. Revising the book brings back all the dedications,
conversations, and stories of ours that made their way into the book. Janice helped shape
me. Her love weaves through my life like a golden thread in the tapestry of my life.
Tom Frentz encouraged me throughout this revising process. As a writer, he knew what
I meant when I said, “OK, I’m closing in on Chapter 6,” or other tedious reports only
another writer could appreciate. Thanks, Tom, for all the e-mails and support embedded
in this project and in my life. My brother, Ed, supports me with his interest and encour-
agement. He, too, is a writer, so knows how to commiserate with the process of revision
of a very long document. Ed embodies the principles of this book as he works on trans-
portation planning for the United States. He and I uphold our parents’ values for peace
in their cabin, Shalom, which we now enjoy.
My extended family of Hawks brings great delight to this stage of my life. Andy
and Heather and our grandchildren Emelia and Oren, along with Kyle and Samantha
and our granddaughters Bodhi and Koa, help keep me connected to the ongoing stream
of life. I wish for them a life with less devastating conflict, and for their children’s
children, I wish for a world of peace.

Joyce L. Hocker
University of Montana, Faculty Affiliate
Joyce L. Hocker and Associates
joyhocker@aol.com

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 xx Preface

To the Reader from Bill Wilmot

My mother once said, “Why would you want to study conflict?” The answer is that all
relationships are fascinating and perplexing, and conflict sometimes arises. Your interest
in conflict, or revulsion to the entire topic, hopefully will lead you to new discoveries
in this edition. Whether you like conflict or hate it—it tends to show up.
The dedication to Jacquie Gibson reflects my huge admiration for her work. I still
recall in 1982 when she was a standout student in a class on conflict. This was the
beginning of a long and fruitful relationship. We were trained by Will Neville in family
mediation, then co-mediated family cases, and it was quite a learning experience for
both of us. Jacquie was a kind and gentle soul, totally open to others and a master
mediator who mediated and facilitated over 800 cases in organizations, romantic rela-
tionships, and families. Her skill at conducting conflict workshops was unmatched, and
those of us in the Collaboration Institute were blessed with her ongoing insights and
commitment to improving our personal and professional relationships. One reflection of
her continuing work is the list of “feeling” words in the emotions chapter. Jacquie lived
by the motto of “we only teach what we have to learn, and we keep teaching it until
we learn it.” She used this book multiple times and, knew the power of these concepts,
as a mediator better than anyone. Jacquie’s passing in 2011 was a loss to all of us. She
and her partner Sandy Shull were the prototype of how to engage in a long-term, close
relationship. Jacquie left a mark of compassion and clarity about how to get “unstuck”’
in conflict. Thanks, good friend.
Other professional colleagues continue to stay in touch and deepen the analysis of
conflict. Julie Benson-Rosston, Marc Scow, and Roy Andes have helped numerous peo-
ple get to a new place when difficulties arise. I am pleased to say that we have all
remained friends over the years as our practices of conflict continue to unfold. There is
nothing better than getting a text message or phone call about some issue they are
working with. Roy has remained a steadfast friend for more years than he and I can
count. While we have yet to permanently settle the question of “who is the best tele-
mark skier,” we have discovered in our “wisdom years” that it really doesn’t matter.
I know no one else except Roy, in our age category, who could have done that 15-mile
hike, up and down, ending up on Interstate 15 trying to hitch a ride to town in the
dark. It was a classic. I look forward to many more years of twists and turns in our lives.
The mediation program at St. Cloud State University deserves a special note.
Bob Inkster and I were friends (more than two years ago) at the University of Wyoming
and he brought me to St. Cloud State numerous times in the past 10 years to teach conflict
and mediation. St. Cloud has a highly effective internal program for mediating conflict
within the University system. Ink, you are a true treasure. Your efforts got me in touch with
others such as Jeff Ringer and Roseanna Ross, who are wonderful teachers and role models
for how to continue learning and growing professionally and personally. Thanks, Ink.
My colleagues at SRI International, innovators who make the world a better place,
are superb. When you pick up the iPhone and talk to Siri, when you use a computer
mouse, or if a family member has non-invasive surgery (Da Vinci technology), you are
using an SRI innovation. First and foremost, Curt Carlson has been a mentor, co-author,
boss, friend, and about every other relationship you can imagine. He continues to
support SRI people and others and helps them achieve more than they thought possible.

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 Preface xxi

Curt, if every CEO were like you, there would not be nasty stories to tell about CEOs.
You are the best of the best, and we will continue to carry the SRI torch with you.
Our SRI innovation team has expanded due to the efforts of Steve Ciesinski. Steve
is amazing with clients, and his team of Brian Engleman, Rob Pearlstein, Dennis Tsu,
Janet Gregory and Marianne Poulsen has achieved more than we could envision. It is
such a pleasure to work with people from Finland, Germany, Malaysia, Japan, Sweden,
Taiwan, Chile, and others. We always learn as much as we teach during our 5 Disciplines
of Innovation workshops. Brian, thanks to you for working through our bump and form-
ing a team of two totally opposite people who can really “click.” Brian and I have done
workshops for more than three years and each workshop is better than the last. Rob,
your energy and unstoppable nature are a sight to behold. Dennis is the leader of our
program and Janet has really stepped up when we got overwhelmed with requests.
Marianne, your fluency with multiple languages continues to astound me almost as much
as your knowledge of everything about innovation. And to all of you, thanks for your
personal support as I faced some health issues.
Melanie Trost, my spouse, is an incredible person. She is one of the few people who
has coupled solid academic credentials with an open heart. As I wrote once before, “she
leads with a kind heart and sparkling intellect, never wavering from kindness toward
others.” Her second career, in hospice, has been inspiring and uplifting. So few of us
could actually do that work. So far, we have lived in Tempe, AZ, Missoula, MT, at our
mountain cabin at Georgetown Lake, MT, Walla Walla, WA, and temporarily in the
Palo Alto, CA area. In each case, Melanie adapts and finds the positives about our new
environment. As age continues to march on, she is there as an unstoppable support.
I just hope that I can keep up my end of the bargain, as she has. Melanie, my never-
ending gratitude and appreciation for you. If I tell people about your cooking skills, we
may get folks pounding on the door wanting to join us for dinner, so I won’t.
My favorite son (Jason) and favorite daughter (Carina) are off on their own paths
and both doing extremely well. Jason’s wife, Kate Wilmot, keeps the bears in Grand
Teton Park out of trouble (it isn’t the bears, it is the people!) and Jason chases wolver-
ines in places you would not want to go. Here is a hint, if either asks you to go on a
cross-country walk or ski, you had better be in top physical condition. Carina is currently
in law school and will be an attorney who actually helps folks. She does an amazing job
of juggling two active boys (are there any other types?), working, and law school. We
could all use some of her efficiency. The respective grandkids, Sydney and Luke Wilmot
and Evan and Karson Stefaniak, are the decibel raisers and always fun to be with,
whether at the family cabin in Wyoming, Glacier Park, or Missoula, MT. Keep that
energy coming kids. In the past year I’ve taken the opportunity to sort through photos
of Jason, Carina, and me on our adventures through the years. The two of you have
had many “memory builder” experiences—those trips you tell stories about but never
want to repeat. Pictures from the Scapegoat wilderness in Montana to Mount Everest
and Mount Kailas in Tibet, to the three of us sitting (all with headaches) on top of
Cloud Peak in Wyoming, continue to warm my heart.
Speaking of family, I have been blessed to have the extended Trost family as terrific
in-laws and friends. Del, Rena, Doug and Gloria and spouses Joan, Delos and Kate really
can’t know how important their ongoing support of me has been. The funny thing is,
we like one another and have a grand time when together. Their respective children

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 xxii Preface

and grandchildren are too numerous to mention, nevertheless they are an important
part of the mix. I am fortunate to have that diverse, supportive extended family.
Rosie and Gus, our Australian Shepherds, are quite the pair. Rosie is fourteen,
almost deaf, but still takes daily walks and comes up to me at exactly 9:45 every night
and looks, saying with her eyes, “Hey, big guy, did you lose your watch or what? It is
bedtime.” So we help her get up the stairs by the bed and she settles in. While Rosie
clearly likes her space and prefers to just stay five feet away, Gus is a needy guy who
has to touch you at all times. He is the most touch hungry dog I have ever met in my
life. He is happiest when he has trips to “Pintler Pothole #1,” my secret fishing spot in
the mountains that only Del and Tyler have seen with Gus and me.
A special thank you to Paul Wilson, housing contractor extraordinaire. He is
immensely talented and one of the hardest working people I know. He is an exceptional
parent to Luke and Conner under difficult circumstances and walks with integrity in a
business that is easily corrupted. Paul, thanks for being such a good friend and checking
in over and over, even when you are in North Dakota.
Elaine Yarbrough and Mike Burr continue to be close friends, and always appear
somewhere. Just yesterday Elaine texted me “Hi, we are in Tanzania” (the Serengeti).
Such steadfast friends are not easy to find and keep. I am impressed with how they adapt
to the unpredictable in life and continue to travel the world. My week on a boat with
them going down the Seine River was just magical and indescribable fun. Let’s keep
those connections going, for our paths have many more turns to go.
So, why would I like to study conflict? It is precisely because I saw people in my
immediate family not do well that led to my fascination with it. You, of course, will
have your own reasons. Thanks to all of you who enter into the study and practice of
interpersonal conflict. I hope it is helpful to you.

Bill Wilmot
Professor Emeritus
University of Montana
Director, Collaboration Institute
Billwilmot1@gmail.com

To the reader from Gary Hawk

I want to gratefully acknowledge Dr. Rita Sommers-Flanagan who first gave me an
opportunity to teach the course that is the basis for much of what I write about in
Chapter 10; four deans and several donors who supported the teaching of forgiveness
and reconciliation at the Davidson Honors College; a few hundred students who have
also been my teachers; the Aunties of Hale Hulu Mamo who trusted me with their
stories and traditions; Bill Wilmot and Joyce Hocker who invited me to contribute to
each of the last four editions of the book; and most of all for Joyce. She finds language
for things we feel but cannot easily name, discerns the subtle difference between mate-
rial that belongs in a text and a classroom, and is my partner in what a dream called
the House of Forgiveness.

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 Preface xxiii

From Both Authors

We have benefitted greatly through the years from feedback from students, new adopt-
ers, and long-time adopters. Your detailed suggestions, comments on what is helpful to
you, and notes about what we might include next time continue to improve this project.
Please keep contact with us at our emails listed above. It’s a privilege to hear from you.

Supplements
For Instructors: A password-protected instructor’s manual is available online at
www.mhhe.com/hocker9e. Please ask your McGraw-Hill representative for access
information.
For Students: True/false quizzes, multiple choice quizzes, and Application boxes are
available on the Online Learning Center (www.mhhe.com/hocker9e).
The ninth edition of Interpersonal Conflict is available as
an eTextbook at www.CourseSmart.com. CourseSmart is a
new way to find and buy eTextbooks. At CourseSmart you
can save up to 50% off the cost of a print textbook, reduce
your impact on the environment, and gain access to powerful
Web tools for learning. CourseSmart has the largest selection of eTextbooks available
anywhere, offering thousands of the most commonly adopted textbooks from a wide
variety of higher education publishers. CourseSmart eTextbooks are available in one
standard online reader with full text search, notes and highlighting, and email tools for
sharing notes between classmates. For further details, contact your sales representative or
go to www.coursesmart.com.

hoc36933_fm-i-xxiv.indd xxiii 1/3/13 12:27 PM

hoc36933_fm-i-xxiv.indd xxiv 1/3/13 12:27 PM
Another random document with
no related content on Scribd:
 BRICK HORIZONS

Here the old map a woodland marks,

With rivers winding through the hills;
And prints remain of spacious parks,
And gabled farms and watermills.

But now we see no fields to reap,

No flowers to welcome sun and rain:
The hillside is a cinder heap,
The river is an inky drain.

The modern town of red brick streets,

Row beyond row, and shelf on shelf,
On one side spreads until it meets
A town as dreary as itself;
And on the other side its arms
Of road and tramway are out-thrust,
And mutilate the fields and farms,
And shame the woods with noise and dust.

Here, from the scenes we love remote,

Dwell half the toilers of the land,—
The soul we think of as a vote,
The heart we speak of as a hand.

Dull sons of a mechanic age

Who claim but miss the rights of man,—
They have no dreams beyond their cage,
They know not of the haunts of Pan.

Here, wandering through mills and mines

And dreary streets each like the last,
Enclosed by brick horizon lines,
I found an island of the past.
A few sad fields, a few old trees,
In that new world of grime and smoke
Told me the time was springtime; these
Alone remembered and awoke.

And in the grass were stars and bells,

The immemorial blossomings
That spring to greet us from the wells
Of Beauty at the heart of things.

A lark sang overhead, its note

Had the same joy with which it fills
The morning, when we hear it float
Through crystal air on thymy hills.

We mar the earth, our modern toil

Defaces old and lovely things;
We soil the stream, we cannot soil
The brightness of Life’s fountain springs.

Here where man’s last progressive aim

Has stamped the green earth with the brand
Of want and greed, and put to shame
Her beauty, and we see the land

With mine and factory and street

Deformed, and filled with dreary lives,—
Here, too, Life’s fountain springs are sweet:
Our venture fails, God’s hope survives.

And in the heart of every child

Born in this brick horizon ring
The flowers of wonderland grow wild,
The birds of El Dorado sing.
 FIRST PATHWAYS

Where were the pathways that your childhood knew?—

In mountain glens? or by the ocean strands?
Or where, beyond the ripening harvest land,
The distant hills were blue?

Where evening sunlight threw a golden haze

Over a mellow city’s walls and towers?
Or where the fields and lanes were bright with flowers,
In quiet woodland ways?

And whether here or there, or east or west,

That place you dwelt in first was holy ground;
Its shelter was the kindest you have found,
Its pathways were the best.

And even in the city’s smoke and mire

I doubt not that a golden light was shed
On those first paths, and that they also led
To lands of heart’s desire.

And where the children in dark alleys penned,

Heard the caged lark sing of the April hills,
Or where they dammed the muddy gutter rills,
Or made a dog their friend;
Or where they gathered, dancing hand in hand,
About the organ man, for them, too, lay
Beyond the dismal alley’s entrance way,
The gates of wonderland.

For ’tis my faith that Earth’s first words are sweet

To all her children,—never a rebuff;
And that we only saw, where ways were rough,
The flowers about our feet.
 HIDDEN PATHS

You see a house of weathered stone,

A pillared gate, a courtyard wide,
And ancient trees that almost hide
The garden wild and overgrown;
You see the sheltering screen of pines
Beyond the farmyard and the fold,
And upland cornfields waving gold
Against the blue horizon lines;
But we of every field and wall
And room are now so much a part,
We seem to touch a living heart
And rather feel than see it all.

You pass the broken arch that spanned

The garden walk,—you note the weeds,
But miss our secret path that leads
To hidden nooks of wonderland;
And, where the faded rooms you mark,
You know not of the ancient spell
That o’er them in the firelight fell
When all the world outside was dark.

Elsewhere is your enchanted ground,

Your secret path, your treasure store;
And those who sojourned here before
Saw marvels we have never found.
For Earth is full of hidden ways
More wondrous than the ways it shows,
And treasures that outnumber those
For which men labour all their days.
 THE PATHS OF THE INFINITE

Have we not marked Earth’s limits, followed its long ways round,
Charted our island world, and seen how the measureless deep
Sunders it, holds it remote, that still in our hearts we keep
A faith in a path that links our shores with a shore unfound?

No quest the venturer waits, no world have we to explore;

But still the voices that called us far over the lands and seas
Whisper of stranger countries and lonelier deeps than these,
In the wind on the hill, and the reeds on the lake, and the wave on the shore.

Never beyond our Earth shall the venturer find a guide:

From the golden light of the stars, but not from the stars, a clue
May fall to the Earth; and the rose of eve and the noonday blue
Veil with celestial beauty the fathomless deeps they hide.

They have their bounds those deeps, and the ways that end are long;
But the soul seeks not for an end,—its infinite paths are near;
Over its unknown seas by the light of a dream we steer,
Through its enchanted isles we sail on an ancient song.

Here, where a man and a maid in the dusk of the evening meet,
Here, where a grave is green and the larks are singing above,
The secret of life everlasting is held in a name that we love,
And the paths of the infinite gleam through the flowers that grow at our
feet.
 A DESERTED HOME

Here where the fields lie lonely and untended,

Once stood the old house grey among the trees,
Once to the hills rolled the waves of the cornland—
Long waves and golden, softer than the sea’s.

Long, long ago has the ploughshare rusted,

Long has the barn stood roofless and forlorn;
But oh! far away are some who still remember
The songs of the young girls binding up the corn.

Here where the windows shone across the darkness,

Here where the stars once watched above the fold,
Still watch the stars, but the sheepfold is empty;
Falls now the rain where the hearth glowed of old.

Here where the leagues of melancholy loughsedge

Moan in the wind round the grey forsaken shore,
Once waved the corn in the mid-month of autumn,
Once sped the dance when the corn was on the floor.
 BEYOND THE FARTHEST HORIZON

We have dreamed dreams beyond our comprehending,

Visions too beautiful to be untrue;
We have seen mysteries that yield no clue,
And sought our goals on ways that have no ending.
We, creatures of the earth,
The lowly born, the mortal, the foredoomed
To spend our fleeting moments on the spot
Wherein to-morrow we shall be entombed,
And hideously rot,—
We have seen loveliness that shall not pass;
We have beheld immortal destinies;
We have seen Heaven and Hell and joined their strife;
Ay, we whose flesh shall perish as the grass
Have flung the passion of the heart that dies
Into the hope of everlasting life.

Oh, miracle of human sight!

That leaps beyond our earthly prison bars
To wander in the pathways of the stars
Across the lone abysses of the night.
Oh, miracle of thought! that still outsweeps
Our vision, and beyond its range surveys
The vistas of interminable ways,
The chasms of unfathomable deeps,
Renewed forevermore, until at last
The endless and the ended alike seem
Impossible, and all becomes a dream;
And from their crazy watch-tower in the vast
Those wild-winged thoughts again to earth descend
To hide from the unfathomed and unknown,
And seek the shelter love has made our own
On homely paths that in a graveyard end.
Oh, miracles of sight and thought and dream!
Y d b t l d t f th t
You do but lead us to a farther gate,
A higher window in the prison wall
That bounds our mortal state:
However far you lift us we must fall.
But lo! remains the miracle supreme,—
That we, whom Death and Change have shown our fate,
We, the chance progeny of Earth and Time,
Should ask for more than Earth and Time create,
And, goalless and without the strength to climb,
Should dare to climb where we were born to grope;
That we the lowly could conceive the great,
Dream in our dust of destinies sublime,
And link our moments to immortal hope.

No lesson of the brain can teach the soul

That ’twas not born to share
A nobler purpose, a sublimer care
Than those which end in paths without a goal;
No disenchantment turn it from the quest
Of something unfulfilled and unpossessed
O’er which no waters of oblivion roll.
But not in flight of thought beyond the stars
Can we escape our mortal prison bars:
There the unfathomable depths remain
Blind alleys of the brain:
The sources of those sudden gleams of light
That merge our finite in the infinite,
We look for there in vain;
For not upon the pathways that are barred
But those left open,—not where the unknown quest
Dismays the soul, but where it offers rest,
Are set those lights that point us heavenward.

So, let us turn to the unfinished task

That earth demands, strive for one hour to keep
A watch with God, nor watching fall asleep,
Before immortal destinies we ask.
Before we seek to share
A larger purpose, a sublimer care,
Let us o’ercome the bondage of our fears,
And fit ourselves to bear
The burden of our few and sinful years.
Ere we would claim a right to comprehend
The meaning of the life that has no end
Let us be faithful to our passing hours,
And read their beauty, and that light pursue
Which gives the dawn its rose, the noon its blue,
And tells its secret to the wayside flowers.

Our eyes that roam the heavens are too dim,

Our faithless hearts too cumbered with our cares
To reach that light; but whoso sees and dares
To follow, we must also follow him.
Our heroes have beheld it and our seers,
Who in the darkest hours foretold the dawn.
It flashes on the sword for freedom drawn:
It makes a rainbow of a people’s tears.
The vast, the infinite, no more appal
Him who on homely ways has seen it fall:
He trusts the far, he dowers the unknown
With all the love that Earth has made our own,
And all the beauty that his dreams recall:
For him the loneliest deeps of night it cheers;
It gathers in its fold the countless spheres,
And makes a constant homelight for them all.
 A HALT ON THE WAY

A pause, a halt upon the way!

A time for dreaming and recalling;
We bore the burden of the day,
And now the autumn night is falling.

A halt in life! a little while

In which to be but a beholder,
And think not of the coming mile
And feel not, “I am growing older.”

A stern old man with wrinkled brow,

Urging us on with beckoning finger,
Time seems no longer—rather now
A sweetheart who would make us linger.

Old times are with us,—long ago;

Upon the wall familiar shadows;
We find again the haunts we know,
The pleasant pathways through the meadows.

And as we turn and look ahead,

Seeking beyond for things departed,
And dream of pathways we must tread
In days to come through lands uncharted,

Old faiths still light us on our way,

Old love and laughter, hope and sorrow,—
As evening of the Northern day
Becomes the morning of to-morrow.
 OLD LANDMARKS

The log flames, as they leap and fall,

Cast ancient shadows on the wall;
Again I hear the south-west blow
About the house, as long ago
We heard it, when we gathered round
The hearth made homelier by the sound
That in the chimney caverns keened
And told of things the darkness screened.
Dim in their panels round the room
The old unchanging faces loom;
And soft upon the crimson robe,
The hand that rests upon a globe,
The dusky frames, the faded tints,
The flicker of the hearth-light glints.
Out in the yard familiar tones
Of voices reach me; on the stones
A waggon rumbles, and a bark
Welcomes an inmate from the dark.
It might be twenty years ago,
So much of all we used to know
Remains unchanged; and yet I feel
Some want that makes it half unreal.
For we who long ago were part
Of all we knew, the very heart
Of all we loved, let somewhere slip
The bonds of that old comradeship.
The past awakes; but while I muse
Here in the same old scenes, I lose
The paths to which we once had clues.
Along familiar ways we went
All day, at every turn intent
To mark where Time had made a theft,
Or undisturbed our treasure left.
H ld d d h
Here an old tree was down, and there
A roof had fallen, a hearth was bare,
Where once we saw amid the smoke
The glowing turf, the kindly folk.
Here one we had watched beside the plough
Stride with his horses, hobbled now;
And here there strode a full-grown man
Where once a bare-legged urchin ran.
And where was now that girl whose feet
Once made yon mountain path so sweet?
Whose shyness flushed her cheek, the while
The mischief hidden in her smile
Belied it? I behold the spot
Where once she passed but now is not,
The grey rocks, where the mountain breeze
Fluttered the skirts about her knees.
We passed beside the wheelwright’s door
Where, as it used to be, the floor
Was piled with shavings, and a haze
Of dusty motes made dim the rays
Of sunlight, and the air was sweet
With smell of new-sawn wood and peat.
We heard the smithy anvil clink,
And saw the fire grow bright and sink
In answer to the bellows’ wheeze,
While, as of old, between his knees
The smith a horse’s fetlocks drew,
And rasped the hoof and nailed the shoe.
Here, and at every place of call,
The welcome that we had from all,
The pleasant sound of names outgrown
By which in boyhood we were known,
Quick springing to their lips, a look
That backward to old meetings took
Our thoughts, a word that brought to mind
Something for ever left behind,—
All, though they blessed us, touched the springs
Of tears at the deep heart of things.
O tea s at t e deep ea t o t gs.

We saw the mountains far away,

Beyond whose blue horizons lay
The wonderlands of which we dreamed
Of old; and still their barrier seemed
To tell us of the pilgrim quest,
And things remote and unpossessed,—
Not of that world which on our hearts
Had marked its bounds and graved its charts.
They told us of that unknown shore
That none can find; but where, before,
They called us o’er the world to roam,
They now seemed sheltering walls of home.
And those old paths whose ends we sought
Were dearer for themselves than ought
Their ends foretold: no truth could harm
Their beauty or undo their charm;
No disillusions of the far
Could touch their homeliness, or mar
The love that made them what they are.

Here we were children: here in turn

Our children in the same paths learn
The secrets of the woods and flowers,
And dream the dreams that once were ours.
Their vision keen renews our own,
Their certainties our doubts atone,
And, sharing in their joys, we weave
The years we find with those we leave.
A little weary, glad of rest
Ourselves, our hearts are in their quest.
Pilgrims of life, whose steps have slowed,
We love to linger on the road,
Or reach the welcome stage, while they
Are eager for the unknown way.
Some time to come their thoughts will turn
To these wild winter nights, and yearn
For something lost and left behind
For something lost and left behind,
As now I turn.—I hear the wind
Keen in the chimney as of old,
And darkness falls on field and fold;—
I catch the clue, on scenes that were
I look not backward,—I am there!
The men are gone, the gates are barred,
We steal across the empty yard,
The cattle drowse within their stalls,
The shelter of our homestead walls
Is round us, and the ways without
Are filled with mystery and doubt.
Over the hidden forest sweeps
The wind, and all its haunted deeps
Are calling, and we do not dare
Farther beyond our walls to fare
Than o’er one field, the sheds to gain
Where, sheltered from the wind and rain,
The watchful shepherd and his dogs
Still tarry, and a fire of logs,
A lantern’s light, a friendly bark,
Make us an outpost in the dark.
I miss the way! I drop the clues!
Through mists of years again I lose
My childhood, and alone I sit
And watch the shadows leap and flit
Above the hearth. The world that lies
Beyond our homely boundaries
I know, and in the darkness dwell
No hidden foes, no wizard spell.
But still the starry deeps are crossed
By lonelier paths than those we lost;
Still the old wonder and the fear
Of what we know not, makes more dear
The ways we know; and still, no less
Than in my childhood’s days, I bless
The shelter of their homeliness.

A id th b dl d k
Amid the boundless and unknown
Each calls some guarded spot his own;
A shelter from the vast we win
In homely hearths, and make therein
The glow of light, the sound of mirth,
That bind all children of the earth
In brotherhood; and when the rain
Beats loud upon the window-pane,
And shadows of the firelight fall
Across the floor and on the wall,
And all without is wild and lone
On lands and seas and worlds unknown,—
We know that countless hearthlights burn
In darkened places, and discern,
Inwoven with the troubled plan
Of worlds and ways unknown to man,
The shelter at the heart of life,
The refuge beyond doubt and strife,
The rest for every soul outcast,
The homely hidden in the vast;
And doubt not that whatever fate
May lie beyond us, soon or late,
However far afield we roam,
The unknown way will lead us home.

THE END

Printed by R. & R. Clark, Limited, Edinburgh.

By SIDNEY ROYSE LYSAGHT

Crown 8vo. 4s. 6d. net.
POEMS OF THE UNKNOWN WAY
 ATHENÆUM.—“The series of poems under the general heading, ‘The
Undiscovered Shore,’ contains some exquisite renderings of the moods and
impressions of one who goes down, literally as well as tropically, into the
great waters. They are full of melody, full of sadness—the harvest of an eye
quick to catch the beauty of external circumstance and of an ear open to the
calling of the highways of the seas and the highways of life.... Mr. Lysaght
puts an exceptional sense of rhythm at the service of sincere thinking and
fine feeling.”
DAILY CHRONICLE.—“Mr. Lysaght has an admirable style and an
almost Swinburnian command of metre.”
LITERARY WORLD.—“Here is stuff with the right ring; with an accent
such as this to guide him, the critic cannot fall into a mistake. We have
enjoyed our tour among Mr. Lysaght’s perplexities in no half-hearted
fashion.”
Crown 8vo. 6s.
HER MAJESTY’S REBELS
MORNING POST.—“A most remarkable book, and no one on the look-
out for the best in contemporary fiction can afford to miss it.”
WORLD.—“Rare and charming novel.... The story is intensely
interesting, and every individual is alive and appealing.”
ACADEMY.—“To find fault with Her Majesty’s Rebels is difficult, and to
praise it worthily is not easy; few Irish books of such good parts have come
into our hands since Carleton’s days.”
STANDARD.—“The story is tremendously absorbing and poignant.”
SPECTATOR.—“A very striking story.”
DAILY CHRONICLE.—“An able book, certainly one of the ablest of the
year.”
MACMILLAN AND CO., Ltd., LONDON.

By SIDNEY ROYSE LYSAGHT

Crown 8vo. 3s. 6d. each.
ONE OF THE GRENVILLES
 DAILY TELEGRAPH.—“Bound to be discussed by any one who reads it,
and whatever the verdict of the reader may be, he cannot fail to be
interested and attracted.”
GUARDIAN.—“A really good and absorbing tale.”
ACADEMY.—“There is freshness and distinction about One of the
Grenvilles.... Both for its characters and setting and for its author’s pleasant
wit, this is a novel to read.”
BOOKMAN.—“So high above the average of novels that its readers will
want to urge on the writer a more frequent exercise of his powers.”
THE MARPLOT
SPECTATOR.—“A clever, original, and vigorous work.”
WORLD.—“It is not often the path of the reviewer is brightened by so
admirable a piece of work as Mr. Lysaght’s novel, The Marplot.”
PALL MALL GAZETTE.—“A book which the reader cannot put down
without a glow of honest pleasure.... Of very high excellence.”
SATURDAY REVIEW.—“We do not often come across a better specimen
of modern fiction than The Marplot.”
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BOOKMAN.—“There is not a dull page in The Marplot.”
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