Dave Morran From Fear To Freedom

From Fear
to Freedom
Masculinity, Control and Change
A Workbook for Men
Edited by Dave Morran

From Fear to Freedom:
A Workbook for Men
Edited by Dave Morran

First published in Great Britain in 2009 by:
BASW, Wellesley House, 37 Waterloo Street, Birmingham B2 5PP
Tel: 0121 622 3911 Email: publishing@basw.co.uk www.basw.co.uk
© British Association of Social Workers, 2009
ISBN: 978-1-86178-082-9 (Paperback)

ISBN: 978-1-86178-089-8 (eBook)
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,
or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording
or otherwise, without the prior permission of BASW.
For the special and restricted photocopying permissions granted for this work and for the
electronic supply of the worksheets see page vi..
British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ii
Contents
Photocopying permissions for the use of the worksheet handouts vi

Electronic supply of the worksheet handouts vi
Acknowledgements vii
WORKSHEETS
1: Learning to ‘be a man’: how did this affect my beliefs about myself? 20
2: Learning to ‘be a man’: how did this affect my relationships with my partners? 22
3: Learning to ‘be a man’: How did this affect my friendships with men/mates? 25
4: Questions about alcohol, drugs and abuse 49
5: Alcohol dependency indicators 51
6: Steps to responsibility: why I need to change 60
7: Taking on responsibility 66
8: Understanding moods and feelings 92
9: Being in a mood 95
10: Negative and positive self-talk 101
Diagram: The Power and Control Wheel 29
Introduction: 1
Dave Morran
What does your life look like right now? 2

Dave Morran
How your partner probably feels right now 5

Monica Wilson
What is domestic abuse? 9

Dave Potts
Why do some men behave like this? 14
Men and violence 15

Paul Wolf-Light
Masculinity: the fallout for us – and our relationships 27
Accepting women as they are 30

Susan Kennedy
iii
FROM FEAR TO FREEDOM: MASCULINITY, CONTROL AND CHANGE
The effects of violence and abuse on children: needs and concerns 36

Dermot Brady, Dave Morran and Dave Potts
The effects of violence and abuse on children: what the evidence shows 41
Why do some men behave like this? 43
It’s not me – it’s alcohol (or drugs) 44

Karen Bailey
Violence and anger: the health consequences for you 52

Sue Dominey
The challenges and rewards of personal change: the road to growth,

responsibility and contentment 56
Can I change? 57
Neil Blacklock
Responsibility 62
Neil Blacklock
Just like his old man? 68
Being a father 70
Dermot Brady
Fathers and separation 77

Charlie Irvine
Maybe it’s really over! 82

Rory Macrae
Recognising moods and feelings – paying attention to them 86

Dave Morran
Recognising self-talk and its effects on us 96

Dave Morran
When you need to take time out 103

Dave Morran
iv
CONTENTS
How I took a time-out but didn’t pay attention to my self-talk 107

‘Kenny’
My body says I’m 35 – but my heart says I’m 12 110

Moira Andrew (with thanks to Steven)
Men’s programmes: what are they about? 116

Dave Morran
Why should I do all the work? 118

Dave Morran
Stories of growth, responsibility and change 121

Dave Morran
Useful contacts 129

Ippo Panteloudakis
Contributors to the book 131
Electronic supply of the worksheet handouts 134
v
Photocopying permissions for the use of the worksheet handouts
1. Permission to photocopy the worksheets is only given to individuals/organisations who have purchased a
copy of the book and then only for distribution at the local level within their organisation. As the price of this
book has been kept affordable to smaller organisations it is, therefore, expected that as a matter of honour,
larger organisations who might want to use the photocopied material in numerous locations, will buy a copy
of the book for use in each locality where they are using the material.
2. If a trainer or an educational organisation wants to copy and distribute these worksheet handouts to assist
their work with clients in organisations where they are training, it is expected that they will buy a copy of the
book for each organisation where they undertake such training. This expectation is based on respect for
the publishers copyright and the view that providing manuals in this way will add to the benefits delivered
in the training. The publisher, therefore, seeks trainers’ active support in this matter.
3. Under no circumstances should anyone sell photocopied material from this book without the express
permission of the publisher. If in doubt, anyone wanted to make photocopies should contact the publisher,
via email at publishing@basw.co.uk
Electronic supply of the worksheet handouts
A PDF of the worksheets is available free by email from Venture Press to purchasers of the book who
complete and return the licence request at the end of the book. Please note that anyone who is reading this
in a copy of the book from which the tear-out coupon has been removed would need to buy a new copy of
the book in order to be able to apply for the electronic materials.
The following terms and conditions for use of the electronic materials apply in all cases:
Terms and conditions for use of handout worksheets from From Fear to Freedom
1 Buying a copy of From Fear to Freedom and completing the form at the back of this book gives the
individual who signs the form permission to use the materials in the PDF which will be sent from
Venture Press for their own use.
2. The hard copies that they then print from the PDF are subject to the same permissions and
restrictions that are set out in the ‘photocopying permission’ section above.
3. Under no circumstances should they forward or copy the electronic materials to anyone else.
4. If the person who signs this form wants a licence to be granted for wider use of the electronic
materials within their organisation, network or client base, they must make a request directly to
Venture Press fully detailing the proposed use. All requests will be reviewed on their own merits
• If the request is made when submitting this form to Venture Press, the request should be made in
writing and should accompany this form.
• If the request is made later, if should be made in an email sent to the Publishing Manager
(publishing@basw.co.uk) and should not only fully detail the proposed use, but also give the
details of the person whose name and contact details were on the original application form.
The publisher expect this honour system to be followed respectfully, by individuals and organisations whom
we in turn respect. Venture Press will act to protect copyright if they become aware of it being infringed.
vi
Acknowledgements
With thanks to
Dave MacD, Dave P, Frank, and Mike
for their friendship, encouragement and support.
vii
Introduction
The aim of this book is to speak directly to men who, through their violent, abusive, controlling
beliefs and behaviour, are causing harm and danger to their families, partners and children, and
not least, to themselves.
It is intended that the book will also serve as a useful resource for professionals such as
counsellors, alcohol and drug workers, health practitioners, social workers, probation officers and
others whose practice brings them into contact with troubled and troubling men.
The title, From Fear to Freedom: Masculinity, Control and Change, acknowledges the fact that
while some men’s behaviour is often frightening and damaging for others, it is also frightening
and confusing for many men themselves. Once men begin to examine, comprehend and choose
to work at ceasing their abusive behaviour this is a liberating process.
This book is not designed as an academic textbook and comparatively few references appear in
any of the sections. Despite this the book is underpinned by a substantial body of theory and
research around men’s violence and the book written mostly by experienced practitioners who
adhere to the Respect Guidelines and Standards which derive from almost twenty years
experience of delivering men’s programmes in the UK.
The book makes no promises to men or their partners and offers no guarantees in respect of men
changing their attitudes and behaviour. It should not be used by professionals as a sole or
primary vehicle for such ends. What it does offer instead is a starting point, providing information
and some insight about the damage that violence and abuse does, what might underlie such
behaviour, and what men might do in order to begin addressing that behaviour. The book also
introduces stories of change in the hope that men will be motivated and encouraged as they
commence their own journey towards behaving non-abusively to others and, in doing so, will
hopefully achieve a greater sense of peace with themselves.
Thanks are due to all those who contributed their experience to writing sections of this book, to
those who helped keep the momentum going, and to the men and women from Ahimsa, Stop,
Brave in the UK, and SEDVIP in Ireland who piloted and commented on the worksheets. Thanks,
too, to all those men who spoke to me about what they have had to face up to in their lives, and
change, some of whose stories are featured here.
Dave Morran
1
What does your life
look like right now?
The chances are that by the time you’re reading this your life seems to have more than its fair
share of problems. You may have a lot of people having a go at you right now; it may seem that
everyone’s out to get you. When you look at the way you wanted your life to be it didn’t look like
this!
Here are some of the things that might be going on at the moment. Things between you and your
partner haven’t been right for some time. She’s told you that if you don’t do something about your
attitude or behaviour, she’s going to leave you. Or she’s already left. Maybe she’s said she’ll
come back, maybe she’s said she won’t. Life seems very scary and a bit out of your control. You
feel that no-one understands you. No-one is taking your side in things.
What’s been going on?
It could well be one of the following. You lost your temper once too often and ended up lashing
out! You hurt her! It maybe wasn’t something you meant to do and something you regretted as
soon as it happened. But it did happen. The truth is it’s probably happened before as well. Maybe
that time, maybe this time was your last warning. You probably feel that you didn’t actually want to
be violent. It seems like you just lost the place for a minute. You know the sensation when
something seems just to come over you, and you can’t help it. Is that what it felt like for you?
If it does then you need to stop and think for a bit. First of all, if something does ‘just happen’ or
‘just come over you’, and if you really ‘can’t help it’, then she’s right to be afraid of you, isn’t she?
Maybe you haven’t thought about her being afraid of you. But, if you really can’t help it, then how
must it feel for her to be with someone who can’t control himself? Extremely frightening that’s
what. Who knows when you could lash out again?
Of course, some men might actually like this, to keep their partner on edge. They get a buzz out
of their partner being afraid of them, to have them treading on thin ice. If you’re someone like that
then all this stuff about not meaning it, it’ll never happen again, is really bullshit, and if she hasn’t
found that out already then she knows now! The question you need to ask yourself when you look
in the mirror is why would anyone want to be with a man who is into scaring the person they say
they love?
2
WHAT DOES YOUR LIFE LOOK LIKE RIGHT NOW?
So you can keep reading on or stop, but either way you should keep well away from that person
right now because you’re probably very bad news.
If you’re not like that though, if you don’t want your partner to be scared of you, if you would
rather be an affectionate decent guy rather than the pain in the arse you sometimes are (and
that’s probably the way you’ve been recently), then there might just be some point in reading this
book to find out a little more about what makes you tick. You might pick up some information that
could help you understand your present situation a little better, or learn something about yourself
you didn’t know before, and that might be as good a place as any to start.
In this book you’ll get to look at the lives of other men who’ve been where you are now – men
who have struggled with who they are, and what they’ve done in their lives, as well as men who’ve
really done some serious thinking about the way they’ve behaved and how they’ve needed to
change!
Here are some of the things you’re probably doing or have done, or that you’ve been worrying
about:
l You’d like to be more easygoing but you’ve got a bit of a temper.

l Sometimes you lose the place with (partner’s name) for no apparent reason.
l Sometimes you feel that she just ignores you.
l Sometimes you feel that she deliberately sets out just to wind you up.
l Sometimes you’ve said some terrible things to her.
l You try to do the best you can but it never seems to be enough.
l You feel as though you do more than your share and you get taken for granted.
l You feel that you’ve got to be on top of things or you’ll be taken advantage of.
l You feel that she doesn’t understand you.
l You feel that you do the best you can to provide for everyone but that doesn’t seem
to satisfy her.
l You feel jealous of … you name it, any number of things.
l You feel this constant feeling of anxiety all the time.
l You feel confused because you don’t know why you say the things you say or do
the things you do.
l You feel that you need to be in control of everything all the time.
l You feel that ‘things just happen’ that you have no control over your own life or how
you behave.
As far as we men are concerned there’s usually a lot we don’t understand about ourselves. That’s
the way we are trained … to ignore everything until it’s too late!
l That anger, for example, where does that come from?
l Or these mood swings, putting you and everyone around you on edge?
l Or that need always to be right in an argument.
3
l Always to have the last word.

l Always telling her what to do and how to do it!
l How do you know? What makes you feel that you know best?
l Or calling her names, telling her she’s too fat or stupid! Insulting her.
l Or telling her what she can or can’t do. What’s that all about?
Maybe you don’t do all these kinds of things, but if some of this rings a bell, then you’re probably
not the kind of man that you really wanted to be. Not the kind of man she was looking for. And if
you’ve got kids, well is this the kind of man you want them to look up to as their father? Their
dad?
Maybe it’s not much of a consolation at the moment but the fact is that you’re not alone. Other
men have been in similar positions to where you are right now. Some have carried on regardless
of the costs. Some end up in prison. Others make their own prison and call it home. There’s a
wise saying that ‘if you keep on doing what you’re doing then you’ll keep on getting what you’ve
got!’ The trouble is, look what you’ve got. Take a minute to think about it, what you’ve got as a
result of the way you think and act in your personal life – with your partner, with your kids, with the
friends and family that you’ve lost.
That’s YOUR LIFE right now. Are you happy with it? Obviously not or you wouldn’t even be looking
at this page. Maybe it’s time that you started to do some work on yourself and you might just
begin to start changing things for the better.
The stories you will read in this book will show you that you are not the only one whose life has
ever been like this. Life doesn’t just happen! You’ve got choices in how you live from here on. You
can stay stuck in the present or the past, or move on! It’s your choice.
Dave Morran
See:
What is domestic abuse? (p 9)
Why should I do all the work? (p 118)
4
How your partner
probably feels right now
We have asked you to take a look at your life at the moment and to consider some of the
problems that you may be going through or have been causing for others. Too often though and
especially if you are in some sort of crisis it is easier or less painful for you not to look at what
others may be feeling. Below, we are asking you to do just that! The point of this is not to try and
make you feel guilty or ashamed, but to help you see that your use of violent or abusive behaviour
has real consequences, which can’t just be dismissed.
This is an opportunity for you to take on board some of the emotions that your partner or ex-
partner might be going through. You might want to talk some of this through with someone such
as a trusted friend or counsellor. This is not the time, however, to discuss your feelings about
reading this with your partner/ex-partner herself. Right now she has got her own things to deal
with!
Effects of partner abuse

A recent worldwide study on the effects of partner abuse on women revealed that they are wide-
ranging and can include a mixture of the following:
l Low self-esteem.
l Emotional dependency.
l Continued faith and hope that the abuser will change.
l Depression.
l Stress disorders and/or psychosomatic complaints.
l Poor physical health.
l Acceptance of blame and guilt for violence carried out by another.
l Socially isolated, e.g. avoids social interaction but never seems to have space of her
own.
l Poor self-image.
l Contemplates or attempts suicide, or self-harms.
l Appears nervous or anxious.
l May defend any criticism of the abuser.
l May have repeatedly left, or considered leaving, the relationship.
l Higher incidence of alcohol or drug abuse than other women.
l Physical injuries.
l Death.
5
So, your partner may be feeling a whole lot of things. She may feel shocked, hurt, scared,
ashamed, humiliated, confused or sad. She may be angry with you and with herself. She may get
depressed, be in poor mental or physical health, feel stressed, anxious and alone. She may even
believe that it’s all her fault and feel guilty. She may defend your actions and hope things change.
She may have turned to drugs or drink. She may have contemplated leaving you or even left you.
This is what Barbara told me:
“The first time Graham hit me was just after our first son, Callum, was born. I was
feeling really stressed. Callum had cried all afternoon and I hadn’t been able to
soothe him. I’d had no time to go to the shops and when Graham came home from
work I was so relieved at first. I said, ‘Thank God you’re home! I’ve had an awful
day; Callum’s cried non-stop and I can’t get him settled. Do you think you could
get us some milk and potatoes from the shop? I’ve had no time to go.’ And he just
looked at me like I’d asked him to cut his balls off or something. I could see by his
face that he was angry with me, but I didn’t know what to do. I was hoping he’d
understand and help me. When I said ‘Please?’ he just marched up to me and
slapped me across the face and yelled: ‘Don’t order me about you useless cow!’.
I was crying and so hurt. I never thought he’d react like that. He was so proud of
being a dad but he couldn’t see how hard I was finding it having a new baby and
trying to juggle all the things you have to do in the house. He apologised later but
said it was still my fault as I’d made him feel like a servant.”
Barbara said she told him she forgave him and felt it probably was her fault. She should have
thought about how stressed he was after his day at work. She said she could have asked him
differently and not been so caught up in her own concerns.
But was it her fault? What do you think?
Barbara said that that first incident marked a turning point in their relationship. She never got over
the hurt he’d caused her and he refused to discuss what had happened, saying it was in the past.
From that day on she no longer felt truly loved and, in fact, felt scared of him.
Like Barbara, your partner may try to explain your abuse as being down to having had a difficult
childhood, or being stressed at work, or drinking too much, or being out of work or whatever. This
is understandable as no one wants to believe they are being hurt and abused by someone who
claims to love them. Unfortunately, this plays into your hands as it allows you to blame her for
your actions. And, as we know, that is something most abusive men are all too good at. Most
women who are being abused are told they are to blame; it is not surprising, then, that they come
to believe it. But who actually used abuse here?
6
HOW YOUR PARTNER PROBABLY FEELS RIGHT NOW
Your partner may try to minimise the impact the abuse has had on her for similar reasons; as
Morag told me:
“I tried to tell myself it wasn’t too bad; it was only a little slap, or how can name-
calling be that bad? But deep down I knew it was wrong; I felt so ashamed. He was
supposed to love me. How can someone who loves you treat you like a piece of
shit? I couldn’t square that circle, so I kidded myself that it was ‘out of character’
and tried to deny how awful I felt when he said or did something horrible to me. I
felt there must be something wrong with me if he was treating me like this. I tried
not to show him when I was upset and I tried so hard to please him, but sometimes
nothing I could do was right.”
Just as Morag tried to hide her feelings from her partner, it may be that you won’t necessarily
know how your partner feels as she has had to hide her feelings from you in order to feel a bit
safer.
This is what Mary remembers:
“He couldn’t bear it if I cried or acted upset. It was like a red rag to a bull. Once
when I was walking stiffly because the bruise on my side was so sore, he said to
me: ‘Stop walking like an old woman; what’s wrong with you?”. I just tried to smile
and say ‘I’m just a bit tired.’ But his look told me he wasn’t convinced, so I tried
walking normally even though it hurt like hell.”
For many women it is the non-physical abuse that they find most debilitating.
This is Yasmin speaking:
“I was really ground down by Balbir’s constant criticism and control. Nothing I did
was good enough: I didn’t cook as well as his mum; I didn’t manage the
housekeeping money well enough; I didn’t make myself pretty enough or I spent
too much time doing my hair and make-up. He called me awful names and
laughed when I got upset. He ignored me if I tried to talk to him. He said I was
useless in bed as I didn’t have any passion. How can you feel passion for
someone you fear? He was always threatening to send me back to my parents as
‘unfit goods’, and that would have been too shameful. Then there was the mobile
phone – he used it as a tracking device so I had no privacy or freedom anywhere.
I sunk lower and lower. I felt as if I was nobody, nothing. It’s taken me a long time
and lot of support to begin to feel that I am human again.”
Whatever your partner is feeling, you can still make a difference. Follow the guidance in this book,
or join a men’s programme if there’s one close to you. It can really make a difference. As Billy, a
7
man who was recently on a men’s programme and found that it enabled him to really see and
appreciate his wife, said one night in the group:
“Last night she told me what it had been like for her all these years. She was so
angry she said things that were terrible to hear but I felt closer to her than I’ve been
for ages. I really admire her. I’ve held her back for years. I now know that if she
wanted to leave I couldn’t and wouldn’t stop her. If she’s with me it’s because she
wants to be rather than because she’s too afraid to leave.”
Monica Wilson
See:
Men’s programmes: what are they about? (p 116)
8
What Is domestic abuse?
One of the difficult questions you need to ask yourself is whether your behaviour was, or still is,
abusive. Here Dave Potts discusses the term ‘domestic abuse’ and looks at the various forms this
can take.
Domestic abuse, which is often also called domestic violence, is not ‘just’ about raising a fist to a
woman. It covers lots of ways in which men treat women badly and disrespectfully, whether as
girlfriends, wives or partners.
Physical abuse
This can include:
l punching
l slapping
l pushing
l kicking
l poking
l grabbing
l dragging
l pinning down
l strangling
l blocking
l hair pulling
l spitting
It might involve:
l Using weapons such as knives, sticks, bottles, tools or household items.

l Throwing glasses, cups, telephones, food, drinks, books or anything!
l Slamming, kicking or punching doors; smashing up furniture; tearing up clothes,
photos or papers; burning items; pulling out telephones.
It could also be:
l Locking someone in a room or house.

l Depriving someone of food or sleep.
9
l Forcing them to take alcohol or drugs.

l Burning, scalding and drowning.
Sexual abuse
When men are being physically violent to women, or hurting them mentally, then often they will
also make women do sexual things which the men may like, but the women don’t. Such abuse
could be:
l Vaginal, oral or anal sex.

l Touching any part of someone’s body in any unwanted ways.
l Making her watch, look at, take part in or act out pornography.
l Stopping having sex with her or having sex with other people.
l Passing on sexually transmitted diseases.
l Using sex toys, playing sex games, having sex with other people.
l Forcing her to wear, or not wear, certain clothes.
If both the woman and man consent to any of these, then they could be part of a normal, loving
and respectful sex life. But if men force, or put pressure on, women to do any of these, then they
are being abusive.
Other types of abuse
There are various other ways – emotionally, psychologically, socially or financially – in which men
can be abusive. Some examples might include:
l Putting women down by criticising their appearance (“You’re ugly … fat”); or

housework (“the house is a mess … dirty”); or childcare (“You’re a crap mother”); or
mental health (“You’re mad”); or intelligence (“You’re stupid”); or sexuality (“You’re
frigid … a slapper”). When men are verbally abusive, they don’t just use any old
insults, they pick the particular ones that they know will hurt that particular woman.
l Name-calling: bitch, whore, cow, or worse (usually with ‘bloody’ or ‘fucking’ in front).
l Blaming women for anything and everything: relationship problems, children’s
behaviour, his violent and abusive behaviour and how he feels.
l Threats such as to hurt her (or children, or pets), to leave, to do whatever he wants.
l Having moods, sulking, giving her the ‘silent treatment’, being grumpy or short-
tempered.
l Socially isolating her by not ‘letting’ her go to work or college, stopping her seeing
family or going out with friends, discouraging her from driving or (if she speaks
another language) from learning English.
10
WHAT IS DOMESTIC ABUSE?
l Keeping her short of money or making her responsible for all the household’s
money; putting all documents in his name; saying that ‘his’ needs (drinking, car,
leisure) are more important than ‘hers’ (food, clothes, gas bill).
l Harassment (often after separation): stalking, checking up on her, looking up
telephone records, ‘slagging’ her off to other people.
l Doing any of these kinds of things in front of children, or so that they can see or
hear or feel what’s going on.
Domestic abuse involves a pattern of behaviour
Also, what we know about men who are abusive is that it’s very rare for them to ‘just’ do one of
these behaviours, to ‘only give her a slap’ or ‘just call her a few names’ or ‘persuade her to give
him his conjugal rights’. Domestic abuse is made up of doing several of these things together so
that they make up a pattern of behaviour.
Some men may ‘only’ use physical violence every few weeks or once or twice a year, but they’ll
almost certainly use some of the other ways to be abusive in between. In some cases it might be
so often that it can seem like ‘just’ part of normal life together; it may be so frequent that it
becomes almost invisible to him (but probably not to his partner!).
It’s because domestic ‘violence’ is hardly ever all that a man’s doing to get what he wants, that
we tend now to call it domestic ‘abuse’, to include all these other ways of behaving badly towards
women.
How common is domestic abuse?
There are more men who are violent and abusive to women than many of us may think or want to
admit. At some point in their lives, one in three women will suffer such abuse and, in any one year,
one in eight women will be hurt by a man they know.
Some other facts:
l One in three marriages that end in divorce involve domestic violence.

l Every minute in the UK the police get a call due to domestic violence.
l On any day there are about 7,000 women and children living in refuges in the UK.
This means that there are many men (millions in the UK) carrying out such abuse. If you’re one,
you’re not alone.
11
It’s not a secret any longer
Because domestic abuse mostly takes place within the home, in private, it’s often kept a secret
by men and women. In the past, many people – neighbours, family members, even the police and
other agencies – have tended not to want to get involved, perhaps thinking that whatever went on
between a man and a woman was ‘their own business’.
However, as we become more aware of what an important and widespread problem domestic
abuse is, many more people, including the government, are treating it much more seriously. It has
been estimated that it costs the country £23 billion each year to deal with domestic abuse.
Therefore, it is no longer a private matter but a social problem that we should all be doing
something about. After all, if one person assaulted another in the street, it would be treated as a
crime. Why should it be any different if it’s a man assaulting his partner in their home?
Most abusive men aren’t generally violent – they don’t fight in the pub and aren’t bullies at work.
However, what we do know is that all kinds of men are abusive, whether rich or poor, a factory
worker or a teacher, white or black, a drinker or not, disabled or non-disabled, belonging to a
particular religious group or not. The only consistent feature about domestic abuse is that most of
it is committed by men against women.
It can start anytime – at weddings and during pregnancies are common – and not ‘just’ when
relationships are nearly over. It may happen daily, weekly or every few months or years. For a
variety of reasons, many women stay with men, despite their abusive behaviour. Even after
couples have separated, many men will continue to act abusively for years.
How men talk about their abusive behaviour
Most men who are violent to women don’t go around thinking it’s okay to do so and they often
feel ashamed and bad about what they’ve done.
However, people who behave badly often try to make themselves feel better about what they’ve
done by playing down or minimising how badly they have behaved or by shifting the blame
somewhere else.
Men who are abusive are no different. They often minimise what they have done by using words
like ‘just’ and ‘only’; or describe a thump as ‘a slap’ or a kick as ‘a trip’. Rather than accepting
responsibility for what they’ve done, they will blame the woman (for example, for ‘nagging’, for not
doing what he wants her to do or for disagreeing with him) or something else such as alcohol, or
will ‘excuse’ their violence as due to anger or a loss of temper.
Men may think of or describe their abusive behaviour as ‘the normal ups-and-downs of a
relationship’, and consider it not that serious and ‘blown out of proportion’.
12
WHAT IS DOMESTIC ABUSE?
All of these ways of talking about, or looking at, their actions end up with men feeling ‘better’
about, and taking less responsibility for, what they’ve done.
Checklist
So, have you ever:
l Hit your partner in any way?

l Felt bad about the kids seeing or hearing the way you’ve treated mum?
l Had the police called due to your behaviour towards her?
l Felt ashamed of what you’ve done to her?
l Made her feel scared of you?
If you’ve answered, ‘Yes’, to any of these questions then you’ve almost certainly acted abusively
and – forget the excuses and justifications – you’ve done so to make her do what you want her to
do. This is domestic violence.
If you feel bad and want to do something to help yourself to not act like this in the future, then, as
we said earlier, read on. Then you can begin to take responsibility for what you’ve done and take
steps towards being a better man. Better men are those who treat women, not with abuse, but
with respect.
Dave Potts
See:
Diagram: The Power and Control Wheel (p 29)
Responsibility (p 62)
13
Why do some men behave like this?

So far we have asked you to acknowledge that parts of your life are in trouble at the
moment. That your relationship with your partner or ex-partner has suffered because of
things that you have said or done. We have asked you to consider what your partner is
likely to be experiencing. You have also been presented with a series of facts about
domestic abuse, which clearly show that we are not talking ‘only’ about physical
violence. Abuse is about behaviour that is physical, emotional, mental and sexual.
When men are put on the spot like this they usually say that women can be violent or
abusive too. We don’t deny this, although there is a lot of evidence that usually women
resort to physical violence in self-defence. (Often when they have been attacked by a
man.) We also know that gays and lesbians can be violent in their relationships as well.
However, what we want to put to you in the hope that you learn something about yourself
is the uncomfortable truth. Namely, that violence and abuse in relationships is
overwhelmingly something that men ‘do’ to women.
In the section that follows, Paul Wolf-Light asks:
l Why so many men behave violently;

l What we learn about ‘being a man’;
l How what we learn affects our relationships with partners;
l Why it is that ‘being in control’ seems so important to us.
After reading this you might find it helpful to look at the worksheets that follow, which you
can complete in your own time.
One very important thing to remember is that while the lessons we learn about ‘how men
are supposed to be’ are significant, they are not set in stone. We are quite capable of
changing and challenging many of the unhealthy and unhelpful attitudes and beliefs that
we grow up with or bring into relationships. We usually find it a considerable relief when
we do so!
See:
WORKSHEET 1: Learning to ‘be a man’:
how did this affect my beliefs about myself? (p 20)
how did this affect my relationships with my partners? (p 22)
Masculinity: the fallout for us – and our relationships (p 27)
14
Men and violence
What is it about being a man that results in so many men behaving violently so often? From a
physiological perspective, all human beings, both men and women alike, have the capacity to
behave in an aggressive and violent way. But despite this mutual capacity for violence, it is men
who not only behave in a violent and aggressive manner far more often than women but also in
large numbers actually enjoy participating in and watching violence and aggression.
Apart from violent sports such as boxing and rugby, this is reflected in movies, the starting and
fighting of wars, and even in the criminal justice system, for there is no country in the world with
recorded crime figures in which men do not commit over 80 per cent of all violent crime. Yet
despite all this being obviously true, it is equally true that not all men behave violently or enjoy
violence. This suggests that it is not something biological in men that causes them to behave
aggressively. In other words, it is not inevitable that men have to behave in this way.
If it isn’t biological, and it is as frequent as all the evidence suggests, it must be encouraged as a
way for men to behave through the ways in which we as men are socialised.
How are men ‘supposed’ to behave?
Put in another way, we could say that the tendency to behave in a violent or aggressive manner is
the result of various expectations that we have grown up believing we ought to live up to as men.
These expectations are based on social and cultural beliefs about how a man ought to behave
and how he ought to be. Such beliefs are given shape both as living portraits, that is, by men who
are portrayed as examples of ‘real’ men, and also as ideas and ideals that we are taught by our
families, our friends, at school, at work, in the media through music, fashion, TV, movies, and so
on. In this way, we are effectively given instructions in the ways in which a man ought to act, think
and feel if he wants to be seen as a ‘proper’ man by others and himself.
Being aggressive
Two simple examples of how such social beliefs define being a man and which insist on the
necessity of a man being aggressive are the expressions ‘a man’s man’ and ‘a man’s game’.
These are common terms that are used in ways that refer to the capacity and willingness of a
man to respond to difficulties by behaving aggressively, including the use of violence. These are
just two very explicit examples that identify a ‘proper’ man as being one who is aggressive and
violent.
15
Being in control
Underlying such expectations of aggression and violence is a more basic expectation that we
have of ourselves as men. This could be best described as the expectation that we will always be
in control, not only of ourselves but also of situations we find ourselves in.
Controlling situations inevitably is going to mean controlling other people, which effectively means
attempting to get them to do what we want them to do. This is already aggressive, as by
controlling them we are willing to override their wishes if these conflict with ours. If they resist our
initial attempts at controlling them the next step is to threaten the use of force. So it is easy to see
how having such an expectation is likely to lead to aggression and violence.
Don’t be vulnerable, don’t be emotional!
This belief that we ought to be in control is supported by two further expectations. The first is that
as men we ought not to be vulnerable, which in practice means we should not experience those
feelings that leave us hurt or insecure, tender or exposed, and so on. The second expectation is
that we ought not to be emotional, but instead ought to be rational, which means focusing on
thinking rather than feeling.
This focus on thinking at the expense of feeling clearly supports the idea that we should not be
vulnerable. In the case of our relationships with women, a further expectation that encourages us
as men to be controlling is rooted in the belief that women should take care of men’s emotional
and sexual needs and should therefore defer to a man’s authority whenever there is a difference
of opinion. This belief allows us as men to justify behaviour that is effectively bullying and
tyrannical, usually by blaming our partners for our own controlling and violent behaviour, using
excuses such as “I wouldn’t have to behave this way if she did what she’s supposed to”.
If I care I will be vulnerable!
However, apart from the abusive nature of such beliefs and behaviour, there are two particular
problems that arise for us as men if we take on board such expectations regarding our own
behaviour.
The first is that by allowing ourselves to care for anyone or anything, including ourselves, we are
immediately left potentially vulnerable because whatever we care for can be lost. This means that
unless we stop caring altogether, we can’t help but feel vulnerable on occasions.
16
MEN AND VIOLENCE
The second problem, arising from this, is that situations will occur in our everyday lives that are
likely to leave us feeling vulnerable, most obviously when what we want to happen does not
happen. Putting this in the context of an intimate relationship, one simple example would be when
our partners do not want to do what we want them to do, such as having sex, listening to our
concerns, watching something on television and so on. In such a situation, we are likely to feel
disappointed or hurt, which are vulnerable feelings. When we add to that an expectation that they
ought to be doing what we want, our vulnerability is likely to be intensified while at the same time
we have someone to blame.
When I feel vulnerable I must control others!
So then, as men we find ourselves attempting to control people around us so that they don’t do
anything that will leave us feeling vulnerable. Because they are the people we tend to want the
most from, our partners are often the ones we most attempt to control. This is reinforced by any
expectations we may have about her deferring to our wishes and needs.
As our backup strategy, if a situation arises in which we feel vulnerable because we don’t get
what we want, instead of feeling hurt or disappointed we turn our vulnerability into anger and use
this aggressively to threaten and punish whomsoever we have perceived as hurting us. With all
the above in place, this is our most common response to our partners when they don’t do what
we want them to.
Alongside these strategies for avoiding experiencing vulnerability, we are also inclined to attempt
not to care too much about others at these moments because caring leaves us feeling more
vulnerable. This includes our partners. Unfortunately, not caring about others also leaves us more
prone to behave aggressively and violently, because we care less about others getting hurt than
we do about ourselves not feeling vulnerable. All of the above tends to result in our response to
not getting our own way being that we get angry by blaming the other person, particularly our
partners, and either attempting to force them to do what we want or punishing them for not doing
what we want.
Some questions for you
There are a number of questions you need to ask yourself at this point.
l Do you recognise yourself in what has just been described?

l Do you believe that you ought to be in control of yourself and situations you find
yourself in?
l Do you believe that your partner ought to do what you want when you want her to?
17
If the answer is yes…
l Do you think it is possible to be in control of situations at all times?

l Do you think it is fair to expect your partner to do what you want just because you
want her to, because … doesn’t that make you a tyrant and bully and her simply a
servant to you?
l How comfortable do you feel about being a tyrant and a bully?
Whatever your answers, it is important to recognise that there is a price that you or anyone else
has to pay for the need to be in control at all times.
Insecurity
The first price you pay is a continual underlying feeling of insecurity, because such control as you
are attempting to have is simply impossible to have at all times in all situations. So although you
are attempting to avoid having to feel vulnerable, the very method you are using can only result in
your feeling an inevitable sense of insecurity that is itself vulnerable.
Intimacy and closeness not possible!
The second price you pay is that any real experience of intimacy and closeness is not possible,
because controlling others destroys any possible intimacy that could develop. Your fear of
vulnerability will mean that you are likely to feel too afraid to genuinely open up, to feel loved, and
your wish to control your partner is likely to result in her closing down to you rather than opening
up. Effectively, you will be pushing her away the more you attempt to control her. This raises a
further question. Do you think this is a price worth paying? Or to put it another way, do you want
an intimate and loving relationship or do you want to be a bullying tyrant who is responded to out
of fear, not love?
So, the choice you have is very simple. You can decide to be the type of man that attempts to
control others and hide his vulnerability, with the price being no intimacy or closeness with anyone
and the knowledge that you are a bully and tyrant. Or you can decide to be the type of man who
is open with others, who wants an intimate and close relationship with a partner, who is willing to
love and care rather than try and control everyone and everything and who can accept the
vulnerability that goes with caring. Neither of these choices can be said to make you more or less
of a man. But the second choice can be said to make you a good man unafraid to care and love
another, rather than a bullying man who is afraid to open his heart to love and care for anyone
else.
Paul Wolf-Light
18
MEN AND VIOLENCE
See:
how did this affect my beliefs about myself? (p 20)
how did this affect my relationships with my partners? (p 22)
how did this affect my friendships with men/mates? (p 25)
19
nnn WORKSHEET 1
Learning to ‘be a man’:

How did this affect my beliefs about myself?
(You will probably need another sheet of paper but start here anyway.)
List all the things that you learned you had to do and be.
I learned that in order to ‘be a man’ I had to…

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
List all the things that you shouldn’t or couldn’t do or be.
I learned that in order to ‘be a man’ I shouldn’t or couldn’t …

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Where did these ideas come from?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Hard question: What kind of person has this made me?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
© Dave Morran. From Fear to Freedom: Masculinity, Control and Change. www.basw.co.uk
20
MEN AND VIOLENCE
What did I learn about being a man that I disliked?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
How/why did I want to behave/act/think differently?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
How do I now behave/act/think differently?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What did I learn about being a man that I liked, admired or respected?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Which ideas about being a man am I still working on/need to start work on?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Why?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
21
nnn WORKSHEET 2

How did this affect my relationships
with my partners?
(Safety note: This is quite a difficult exercise to do. There is also the temptation that you might ask
your partner to help you, particularly if you are still living together. We suggest that you do not do
this. Your partner may not feel safe or happy to do so particularly if you have been behaving
abusively. Also, this is an exercise where you need to do the thinking. Take your time. You will
probably need a bigger piece of paper or notepad.)
List the things you expect your partner or ex-partner to be … to do
I learned that men should expect their partners to be…

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
How did I learn this? Who told me this should be so?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Did I ever discuss this expectation with my partner?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
If so, how/when did I do this?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
22
MEN AND VIOLENCE
What was her reaction or view?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
If not, why haven’t I done so?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
If not, how did I expect her to know what I think?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Do you think that this expectation might be unreasonable?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Are your expectations … good for a relationship?
If so, why?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
If not, why not?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
23
How have they affected your past or present relationships?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What would you want to bring to your current relationship or future relationship?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What would you need to learn?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What would you need to do?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What would be the costs and benefits of this?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Hard question: How often would you need to practise this?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
24
MEN AND VIOLENCE
nnn WORKSHEET 3

How did this affect my friendships
with men/mates?
What do I like about in my friendship with (friend/mate/pal)?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What qualities do I like, admire and respect about (friend/mate/pal)?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What qualities do they like, admire and respect about me as a (friend/mate/pal)?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What kinds of activities do we get up to? (hobbies, interests, sports and so on?)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
25
Are these good for me as a person? Why?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What kind of things am I able to talk to them about?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
If I talk to them about things that are important to me, how would they respond?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
If I talk to them about changes I need to make in my beliefs, habits or behaviour, how would they
respond?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Who can I rely on to really support me with changes I need to, or intend, to make?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
26
MEN AND VIOLENCE
Masculinity: the fallout for us – and our relationships
Now you have had a chance to reflect on some of the negative aspects of what we learn
about learning to ‘be a man’ can do for our identity about ourselves, our friendships and
relationships. No wonder so many of us do not derive much satisfaction from our lives
as we constantly struggle not to be emotional or vulnerable. We also learn about control;
the need to be in control of ourselves, and to control others. We try to ignore the
damage that this does both to us personally and to our personal relationships but, of
course, this often makes things worse all round.
What we want from relationships
We asked a number of men who attended a domestic violence programme to list the
things that they wanted from their relationships. This is what they came up with:
n trust n fun
n happiness n understanding
n love n partnership
n harmony n honesty
n reliability n intimacy
n sex nshoulder to cry on
n humour n kids
n closeness n security
When we asked them about how ‘learning masculinity’ helps prepare us for
relationships, however, the problems that Paul Wolf-Light discussed in the section above
were all right there. We learn about:
n aggression n control of partner

n not being emotional n not showing vulnerability
It is important to remember that there are many good things we learn and enjoy about
ourselves as we grow up male, and that as men we have good positive qualities that
can contribute a huge amount to relationships as partners and fathers. The problem is
that so often the deep beliefs that underpin ideas about masculinity are either on display
all the time (think Rambo!) or lie dormant, waiting to pounce – usually when we run into
a problem.
27
Why power and control poisons relationships
Unfortunately what these underpinning beliefs tell us is that what is really core for so
many of us are issues of power and control. The diagram on the next page shows how
this need for power and control, which always carries the ultimate threat of physical
violence, poisons all the things we say we want from relationships. This is the ‘Power
and Control Wheel’.
The power and control relationship is based not on love but on fear, not on fun or
closeness but on anxiety, on mistrust, on taking someone for granted, on threats. While
the physical violence might or might not be there, these threats are always present in the
tactics we use, the games we play, to keep that power.
n How possible is it then to have a positive and loving relationship where power and
control lies at the core of our sense of self?
n How easy is it to love and understand the person we need to control?
n How easy is it to be honest with the person we need to control?
n How easy is it to be really loved (and not just feared) by the person we need to
control?
n How easy is it for them to trust us?
The answer? It’s impossible. We need to begin to undo many of the lessons we have
learned about how we should be as men, what we expect from our present, past or
future partners, and about our need to control. This takes hard work. But once you have
begun, you know that there really is no alternative. And you are not alone!
See:
Men and violence (p 15)
Diagram: The Power and Control Wheel (p 29)
Violence and anger: the health consequences for you (p 52)
Worksheet 2: Learning to ‘be a man’:
how did this effect my relationships with my partners? (p 22)
28
MEN AND VIOLENCE
Diagram: The Power and Control Wheel*
FEAR
EM
N OT
D A TIO IO
(Me NAL
AN
IMI EAR ctly Put ntal c ABU X
INT ND F er dire ing Ma ting ru SE
A ng h en her kin he elty)
reat
IE
e
i
aten tly, th tening Cal g her r down
r Play ling he feel ro .
TY
Th direc Frigh ns,
n . tten
or i to self s, actio ying ing rn
Hum mind ames. .
ok estro
E
a r m l o iliat gam
by res. D er ty.
Alwa g to co NDS S
h
NC
Ma ing h es.
M
tu p k e
ges her pro pets. feel ing her r.
ISO TROL ntrol

havi e right. to fight .
Refu D DE NTRU
ever o she s r a life.
CO g to co es and
omis
t gn guil
LE
i g
Hur playin .
Tr yin g she do s to.
LAT
ty.
wh ing he sy,
ythin
N
he la lways
flexi ng to be rd.
Dis pons
Den g jealo rs,

mpr
MA
AN S, TA
o
V IO
ING ING
wea
Usin , lette ts
st w
phon es, thre

g
y
silen m pals
.
A
avin
Tant hanges
o
acce le or t
EAT
L
AND
peak
fro
e
c
s.
ys h
s
r um
sin
si
ng t
THR
MISTRUST
pt c
b
Refu
u
to b
POWER
a
.
AND
FINANCIAL CONTROL DISHONESTY, DENIAL,
OR COP OUT
CONTROL BLAME, MINIMISATION
Keeping all the money. Turning her concerns into a joke.
Controlling all the money. Making light of things when
S
Lying/stealing the money. we know we’re wrong.

l e e k. TIE
‘U Ma – e the he k or to t er.
Copping out of any Trying to blame

SI in g. ki ids thr ak
fin rig ing e d s uc ILI
N g h if ds to ea e
De ing Be ll th ike a d M IB
ot Us Usin ssa ten s o
responsibility our faults on her.

G e sh a
he in g ge in ff
k
a r l or NS
on t.
TA
TH r fe e w s p rela .
r
ou g w t all azy. cisi rvan
Denying our abuse.

ing he e L O
s.
E el g an wn y
ak g lik P
.
M atin ing ES
C uil ts s.
g t
KI
H ty to
Tre Act G R
IL a w
’. en .
m hre e ki
do m e
o wo im
D s a or
e
NG
R
N
tt t‘ et
T th
EN
PI
gh ha th
M
a d
s g h
’
U
a
FO
in h
R
k.
G
ts
Be
RA
NT
ED S TY
E
I S HON
D
* Adapted from The Power and Control Wheel developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project,
Duluth, Minnesota.
29
Accepting women as they are
How many times have you said the following things to yourself or out loud to others?
l She is off her head!

l She’s the one who started on me!
l Why doesn’t she listen to me?
l She is unreasonable.
l There is no talking to her.
l How dare she treat me like that?
l Why doesn’t she just do what I want?
l When will she put me first?
Sounds familiar? We can all at times be exasperated by our partner’s behaviour, be puzzled by
their mood swings and wish they would just do what we ask. It is perfectly natural in a healthy
relationship to have some of these frustrations; the significant thing is how you react to them. If
you find yourself trying to win every battle, feeling hurt by the things your partner says to you and
then have a desire to get your own back, then you are running the risk of becoming abusive.
Let’s explore what we mean in more detail.
Male socialisation
Where do you think your views on women and relationships come from: parents, wider family,
friends, work, the media? It is probably a mixture of all these and more, and can be broken down
into two categories: individual experiences and socialisation.
Individual experiences are those that you, as a man, have gone through that will have affected
your beliefs and attitudes towards women and intimate relationships. For example, say you had a
girlfriend who was unfaithful to you, does that make all women untrustworthy?
Socialisation is about the influences that all men are exposed to and, again, these will contribute
to how you learned to be a man and how you have formed your attitudes and beliefs about
women. Examples of these influences are:
l the media (FHM babes);

l sport (why do men dominate sport?);
l education (boys being louder in classrooms, even though girls are doing better in
school) and
30
ACCEPTING WOMEN AS THEY ARE
l cultural traditions (men being main breadwinners, while women are the main
childcarers).
As men, you are brought up to be strong, in control and have the answers to everything.
Admitting that you have problems or might be wrong is seen as weakness and, if you are weak,
then somebody else will get the upper hand. We are surrounded with examples of this from Roy
Cropper (Coronation Street) to Clark Kent (Superman). The ‘wimps’ do not get the girls or the
glory; rather, they are figures of fun, worthy of our pity. Women want big, strong and manly men,
right? Wrong, that is just a myth!
In our society, expectations of women – whatever their social, ethnic or religious background – are
considerable. These might include:
l saying ‘no’ when men want them to say ‘yes’;

l being responsible for raising children;
l having to be homemakers;
l being held responsible for family honour;
l having to be the one who holds the family together.
We are all socialised into believing these roles and they influence our choice of partners and the
expectations we have of them. Think back to before you had your first committed relationship
with a woman. What did you expect it to be like? What did you expect from her?
A good exercise is to think about what you expect from your partner now. Break it down into the
different aspects of your lives together … and be honest! There is no point doing this if all you put
down is ‘to be a good mother’ or ‘to respect me’. Have a go.
31
Exercise
Expectations
Partnership:
l Communication
l Privacy
l Decision making
l Finances/budgeting
l Sharing
l Support
Practical tasks:
l Housework
l Shopping
l Cooking
l Gardening and DIY
l Paying bills
Children:
l Day-to-day care
l Discipline
l Family time
l Kids’ social lives
Other people:
l Friends (hers and yours)
l Family
l Work mates
l Ex-partners
Trust:
l Intimacy
l Time apart
l Time together
l The past
32
Now think about what you have put down. How realistic is it? Can anybody meet those kinds of
expectations? It is recognised that many men who are abusive towards their partner have high
expectations of them. Then, when these expectations are not met, men feel let down and may
even believe that their partner has done this deliberately to hurt them. Sounds familiar?
Wants and rights
Another way to think about it is to be clear on the differences between what we ‘want’ and what
we believe we have a ‘right’ to happen. Wants and rights are two very different things. If you
believe you have a right to something, then you are going to be more pissed off when you do not
get it, than you would be if it was something that you just wanted. Here’s an example of what we
mean. We might want our partners to call us every night when they are away from home.
However, we do not have a right to demand this, or to punish them when they don’t do this. So,
think about what you want from your partner, and how many times in the past you have believed
these to be rights and then behaved badly towards her when you think she has ‘let you down’?
What are you worried will happen?
So your partner wins a few arguments, what is the worst that can happen? If you are the kind of
bloke who believes he has to get the upper hand in every dispute, then you are always going to
struggle in your relationships (unless you want to be married to a doormat).
A key skill in relationships is knowing when to back down or take the telling off (even when you
believe you have done nothing wrong). This does not make you less of a man, quite the opposite.
It makes you a more rounded person who is capable of putting his partner first. No power battles
here, only a desire to meet the emotional needs of the person you care most about in the world.
She will appreciate it! An important tip though is not to store this up as a ‘credit’ or ‘brownie point’
to throw back at her at a later date. Being generous and considerate does not mean saving the
payback for another time!
Let’s be clear about one thing: just because your partner hits you first, fights back or picks up a
weapon to defend herself, that does not make her the abusive one. Abuse is a pattern of
behaviours, as we clearly show in this book, and the vast majority of perpetrators of these
patterns of abuse are men. Women use violence in self-defence and occasionally they initiate it.
When this happens, the man usually retaliates far more severely. When women use violence, it
tends to not work for them. They are less physically strong than men and will almost always come
off the worse. Ask yourself, how do you react when your partner threatens you? Do you laugh at
her, taunt her, mock her? You do this because you are not frightened of her. This is not mutual
violence, she does not ‘give as good as she gets’.
33
Women are human too!
Contrary to the title of a best-selling book (Men are from Mars, women are from Venus by John
Gray), women are not alien beings, they have not beamed down from another planet but are in
fact human beings, just like you. That is not to say that there are no differences between women
and men. However, treating your life partner as if she is only visiting the planet and you are never
going to understand her or her species, is no way to conduct a relationship. Women are many
things including:
l loving and caring, but they can also be selfish and difficult;
l bright and fun to be with, but may also be sarcastic and on your case 24/7;
l sexy, considerate and tender, but sometimes you think she is manipulating you;
l reasonable, calm and want to keep the peace, but also argumentative, nasty and
spiteful.
Your partner can also be:
l angry;
l not in the mood;
l sick;
l unreasonable;
l pre-menstrual;
l fed-up;
l drunk.
This chapter is not an attempt to excuse or explain away the bad or poor behaviour that women
can and do exhibit. Rather, we are suggesting that you learn to understand and accept the
different moods and behaviour of your partner.
Now we know what you are thinking: So far this book has been telling me that my behaviour is
abusive and unacceptable … now I am supposed to put up with the bad behaviour of my partner!
This is double standards.
No, not really. The difference is that you are not scared of your partner whereas, if you have been
violent to her in the past, she will be scared of you. This may not stop her getting angry or
shouting at you, but she will be aware of what may happen because, more than anybody else,
she knows what you are capable of!
If you are scared of her (and a very small number of men may be) or you do not think you can
control your reactions to her, then you need to think about getting out of the relationship. There is
no excuse for violence, no amount of provocation makes it OK and if you really do not think you
34
can stop yourself from using violence, regardless of who starts the argument, then it is time to
leave. A difficult one, we know!
If you are to be non-abusive and safe, then accepting your partner’s anger – some of which could
be as a result of your abuse in the past – is an important skill to learn. Anyone can make a
relationship work when both parties do all the right things, all of the time. The trick is to be able to
still behave towards your partner in a respectful manner, even when you feel aggrieved, let down,
hurt and angry yourself.
We are all only responsible for our own behaviour and nobody else’s. We cannot force anybody
else to change. Take responsibility for your own behaviour and try to improve it. The long-term
effects will be worth it!
Susan Kennedy
See:
Worksheet 2: Learning to ‘be a man’:
how did this affect my relationships with my partners?
(p 22)
35
The effects of violence and abuse
on children: needs and concerns
Do children know what’s been happening?
Men who have behaved violently or abusively towards their partner have often thought that they
have been able to conceal this from their children. Women are often pressured by men to make
excuses to their children about why they have been crying or have bruise marks on their face or
body. However, statements such as ‘I walked into a door’ or ‘tripped coming down the stairs’
really fool no-one. They certainly don’t fool children whose mother is being treated abusively by
their father – or by their mother’s partner. Research carried out in Australia, Britain, Canada and
the United States has consistently shown that the majority of children know that their mother is
being abused, with about 80 per cent of them being in the same room or close by. Many children
are, of course, being directly abused themselves.
Even if they are not present in the room, but in another part of the house, they clearly know what
is going on.
“I used to lie in bed and pray that it wouldn’t start. My dad always started on my
mam in the kitchen. You were supposed to be asleep upstairs. But I never slept –
I’m still not good at sleeping. And you’d just know he was punching my mam
again!”
Debbie, aged 22,
lives on own, trainee primary teacher
Research also shows that growing up in a situation where there is abuse can have a massive
effect on that child’s own physical and emotional health.
Children will react in different ways according to factors such as their age, personal and family
situation. In the case of infants and young children, their general health, growth and development
will suffer. Older children are likely to experience a wide range of psychological or social
difficulties, which may come out either at home or at school. For most, the effects on their self-
esteem, the way they feel about themselves and their view of the world as a dangerous as
opposed to a safe place, are longstanding.
36
THE EFFECTS OF VIOLENCE AND ABUSE ON CHILDREN: NEEDS AND CONCERNS
“My dad were right … sly. That’s the word! He could come back from the pub …
and say nothing, didn’t do nothing. But he just had that look on his face. You know
… go on just say something. We were all on edge. My mum doing everything to
keep something from starting! It was terrible!”
Vincent, aged 46,
has been violent in his own relationship, still with partner and children,
attends Domestic Violence Men’s Programme
The chart on the next page looks at the needs and concerns that young people have about what
they expect from adults as they go through various ages and stages. At different times they might
be exposed to what is going on in different ways but, as you can see, the effects (many of which
will overlap with one another) are serious and damaging.
37
38
Age Needs and concerns Exposure to violence/abuse Effects of violence/abuse
0 – 5 years Needs to feel family is secure. Sees it. Hears it. Physical Injuries. Fear. Sleep disturbances.
Fears being abandoned by you. Being woken up by noise. Being colicky, ill or jumpy. Cries a lot.
Relies on routines. Being hit while in mother’s Isn’t responsive to cuddles. Is insecure as
Very concerned to please arms. Becomes abused him/ care from parents is inconsistent. Speech
mum and dad. herself. Later, may try to stop problems. Withdrawn. Problems relating to
rows, arguments. other children. May act out violently.
5 – 7 years Blames him/herself for family arguments. Sees it. Hears it. Physical Injuries. Insecurity. Feels bad/
Likes to try and solve problems. May pick one parent to guilty about him/herself. Bed wetting.
Wants mum/dad to feel proud of him/her. try and defend. Embarrassed about family. May develop own
Worries a lot about conflict in the family. May try to stop rows, problems to divert conflict at home. May
arguments. become over-achiever or caretaker of parents.
8 – 11 years May try to solve conflict in family. Worries Sees it. Hears it. Physical injuries. Feels bad/guilty about him/
about how he/she compares to others. May find him/herself keeping herself. May become over-achiever or
Gains pride and self-confidence by secrets or lying to younger caretaker of parents. Running away from
being able to do things. Concerned brothers and sisters. home. School problems.
about rules being applied fairly.
Teenage Withdraws from family tension and conflict. Sees it. Hears it. School problems. Embarrassment about
years Often insists on making decisions on own. May become drawn into family. May become involved in own
(boys) Fitting in with friends is very important. physical contact with relationships too early in order to escape
Often feels everyone is watching every move. father to protect mother. atmosphere at home.
Particular effects on teenage boys:
Learns that ‘men’ are (should be) violent and that

women should be disrespected or controlled.
Feels uneasy and confused about himself as a
young man. Feels very unclear about relationship
with father.
Teenage Withdraws from family tension and conflict. Sees it. Hears it. School problems. Embarrassment about
years Often insists on making decisions on own. May also become physically family. May become involved in own
(girls) Fitting in with friends is very important. or otherwise abused relationships too early in order to escape
Often feels everyone is watching every move. by the abusive parent. atmosphere at home.
Particular effects on teenage girls:
Learns that women do not receive respect. May
feel embarrassed or guilty about being female.
May begin self-harming. Eating disorder. Look for
affection from unsuitable partners.
THE EFFECTS OF VIOLENCE AND ABUSE ON CHILDREN: NEEDS AND CONCERNS
Feelings
Children who have witnessed abuse may feel angry, guilty, insecure, alone, frightened, powerless
or confused. They may have very mixed and confused feelings towards both the parent who is
doing the abusing and the one who is being abused.
But I am not abusive to my children!
Some child experts say that men who have been abusive to their partners are often abusive to
their children as well. Many men are shocked by this and tell us that it is extremely important to
them that they are good fathers and that they would never dream of behaving abusively to their
children!
Whether or not this is so, the simple fact is that witnessing abusive behaviour is in itself abusive to
children. It is damaging, dangerous and frightening, and can affect them from childhood through
to their own adolescence and adulthood.
Being resilient
Despite this, children and young people can be remarkably resilient.
In spite of the things they have experienced or been exposed to they are often able to come
through these tough times and still find value and meaning in their lives. They are able to survive,
to keep on going and retain some control over their lives. Usually this is made easier where there
is ‘someone who is there for them’ – whom they can trust and who is stable and reliable. Often
this can be a teacher, a neighbour, a grandparent or, so often, their mother. It’s surprising how
rarely the ‘person who is there for them’ is the father!
It may be that the abuse has already done its damage and cannot be undone. In some cases,
children need simply to be protected from fathers whose violence and abuse means that they are
still a danger to their children. Children may genuinely not want to see their father or mother again
(and these views need to be heard by parents and respected. If they are not, how can a child or
young person ever establish some trust in the world again?).
There are cases, however, where children and young people are still open to some relationship
with their father, although they will be confused at least as to why they have seen them behave in
certain ways in the past. If this is the case for you, it may be possible for you to re-establish some
kind of relationship with your child (although there may be certain legal or other constraints that
you need to pay attention to).
39
You need to remember the power that adults have over children and young people and how we
can damage their lives or encourage them to have hope and confidence. If you are likely to
continue to play some part in their lives, then they might need your love but also your respect.
After all, you are an adult and they will be an adult some day soon!
You probably need to spend time talking and listening to other people who can help you shed
light on what it means to be a responsible parent. In the meantime, two sections later in this book
– Being a Father (p 70) and Fathers and Separation (p 77) – might help you focus on some of the
issues involved – not just for you, but also for the children and young people concerned.
See:
Being a father (p 70)
Fathers and separation (p 77)
40
The effects of violence
and abuse on children:
what the evidence shows
According to Women’s Aid, who routinely deal with women and children who have experienced
abuse, children are exposed to the violence or abuse in lots of ways:
l They may be in the same room and become caught up in the middle of a violent
incident in an effort to make it stop.
l They may see and hear the abuse and their mother’s injuries at the time or
afterwards.
l They might be forced to stay in one room or not be allowed to play elsewhere in the
house (‘mum’s resting just now’) or outside unless they say anything to anyone.
l All children who witness these things are themselves being emotionally abused.
How children and young people can be affected
As mentioned earlier, children will react in different ways to these experiences and this may vary
according to factors such as their age, personal and family situation. In the case of infants and
young children, their general health, growth and development will suffer. Older children are likely
to experience a wide range of psychological or social difficulties, which may come out either at
home or at school. For most, the impact on their self-esteem, the way they feel about themselves
and about their view of the world as a dangerous as opposed to a safe place, is longstanding.
The following general effects on children were described in a report by the Royal College of
Physicians in 2004 (rcplondon.ac.uk).
Behaviour
l They may become anxious or depressed.

l They may experience difficulty sleeping.
l They may have nightmares or flashbacks.
l They can be easily startled.
l They may complain of physical symptoms such as tummy aches.
l They may start to wet their bed.
41
l They may behave as though they are much younger than they are.
l They may have problems at school.
l They may become aggressive or they may internalise or turn their distress in on
themselves.
l They may withdraw from other people.
l They may have a lowered sense of self-worth.
l Older children especially may play truant or start to use alcohol or drugs.
l They may begin to self-harm by taking an overdose or by cutting themselves.
l They may have an eating disorder.
l Worryingly, some might show no symptoms at all and carry on as though nothing is
happening, even though a lot is going on inside.
Feelings
No wonder then that children who have witnessed abuse may feel angry, guilty, insecure, alone,
frightened, powerless or confused. They may have very mixed and confused feelings towards
both the parent who is doing the abusing and the one who is being abused.
See:
Being a father (p 70)
Fathers and separation (p 77)
42
THE EFFECTS OF VIOLENCE AND ABUSE ON CHILDREN: WHAT THE EVIDENCE SHOWS
Why do some men behave like this?

In an earlier section (p 14) we posed the question: ‘Why do some men behave like this?’
and looked at socialisation, namely how we learn things about ‘being a man’ that can
lead us to thinking and acting abusively in our relationships.
Other ways in which men may try and explain or excuse their abusive behaviour is by
blaming it on drink.
In the section that follows, Karen Bailey from the Stella Project in London discusses the
issue of alcohol and violence and explores some of the mistaken beliefs that some
people have about alcohol causing violence.
43
It’s not me – It’s alcohol (or drugs)
Have you ever woken up regretting something you did the night before while drunk? I am sure all
of us can answer ‘yes’ to this at some point in our lives – the demon drink caused us to behave in
a way that we would not have done under other circumstances. Sometimes the behaviour is part
of having a laugh with the lads, being a bit loud on a Saturday night, resulting in not much more
than a stinking hangover the next day, or, if you’re particularly unlucky, a night in A&E or a jail cell.
But what if the regret refers to a verbal or physical attack on someone you love and care for?
What if the few too many beers the night before resulted in you acting in a way that was not you?
The alcohol did all the talking, the spiteful accusations, the pushing, the punching … “The drink or
drugs caused me to behave like that!” or “I can’t remember what happened ‘cause I was
wasted!” Does this sound familiar?
Drink, Drugs and Domestic Violence
It is not uncommon for alcohol and drug use to be linked to domestic violence incidents.
What do the statistics tell us?
Of all domestic violence assaults, 47 per cent take place when the person being violent (often
called the ‘perpetrator’) was under the influence of alcohol, 17 per cent when using an illegal
substance.
We also know that the use of alcohol, particularly heavy drinking, is likely to result in more serious
injury to partners. This may explain why women are more likely to call the police when they
perceive that their abuser has been drinking.
Alcohol and drugs can, of course, be used by both perpetrator and victim, but often in very
different ways. Often the perpetrator sees the use of substances as the cause of his violence –
hence the phrase ‘it was not me – it was the alcohol!’.
Let’s explore this link more carefully.
44
IT’S NOT ME – IT’S ALCOHOL (OR DRUGS)
Alcohol
From a physiological point of view, there is nothing in alcohol that causes us to be violent. If there
was, then after every glass of wine, pint of beer, shot of vodka, all of us would be more likely to
commit a violent act or swear and shout at our friends and family. This is simply not the case.
We know that alcohol affects our ability to make decisions, communicate, process information,
walk in a straight line and so on. Impulsivity is increased in some people and the more we have to
drink, the less likely we are to choose the more sensible option in a given situation.
Alcohol can also increase our ability to perceive someone or some acts as aggressive. Research
shows that men are more likely to be violent towards their partners if they perceive them as
aggressive (this can range from acting hostile, answering back or simply dressing in a way they
disapprove of).
If alcohol increases the chances of us misinterpreting signals as aggressive, we can understand

how this may increase the likelihood of us being violent or abusive. Other research shows that
factors such as stress, relationship dissatisfaction and our mood prior to drinking can increase
the likelihood of us drinking and affect our mood once we are drunk or high.
Researchers argue that the expectations of how we may behave while drunk or high actually play
a bigger role than the physiological effects of alcohol on the brain. In other words, if you expect
that you will feel more confident, powerful, witty or funny after a few drinks or lines then most
probably you will be. Equally, if you know or expect that you may be violent or abusive after a
bottle of whisky and a spliff then most likely you will be. This theory has been tested on
participants who thought they were drinking alcohol and therefore behaved as though they had
been, despite the fact they had been given alcohol-free drinks.
Think about the way we learn to drink in our society. We drink to give ourselves permission to act
in ways that we would not do under sober circumstances. What is more, we are less accountable
for the bad behaviour we may exhibit while intoxicated.
We also live in a society where drinking heavily is tied up with notions of what it is to ‘be a man’.
An interesting study undertaken back in the 1960s explored the role of alcohol in different tribes in
the most isolated parts of the world. They found that people behaved differently after drinking
depending on what was ‘normal’ in their society, whether it be improved communication skills,
sleepiness or increased sexual prowess. Violence and anti-social behaviour associated with heavy
drinking is not the norm in some cultures.
45
Cocaine
What about drugs, like cocaine, which act as stimulants and are known to increase aggression
among users? What cocaine does is reproduce a biochemical in the body called noradrenalin,
which we all feel in our stomachs when we are scared, when we are seeking the courage to face
up to something, or to compete against another. This is the fight or flight chemical – but what
makes some of us choose to flee or turn around, while others choose to fight? There are many
other factors that determine our choice to be violent when high or intoxicated. The chemicals or
substances rushing around the bloodstream are only one of them and alone cannot be the cause
of violence.
In short, there are a whole host of theories as to the link between substance use (particularly
alcohol) and violence. However, all of these explanations do not remove personal responsibility.
At the end of the day there is always a choice to use violence whether high or not. And usually
this violence is directed at one particular person. Don’t believe me? Consider this:
James: “Just off down the pub!”
On a Saturday afternoon James goes out to the pub to meet some mates. Over the course of the
afternoon and evening he consumes about ten pints of beer. By the time he leaves the pub he is
slurring his words and stumbling around quite a bit. He manages to say goodbye to his mates
without an argument or any punches being thrown, despite the fact that one of his mates
accused him of not paying his way in rounds that evening. He even manages to get to the kebab
shop, order some food and pay for it without insulting the shop owner or other customers in the
queue (even though one lad in the queue was looking at him funny). His next task is to get on the
bus home without missing his stop or getting into a fight with someone, which he does perfectly
well.
He gets off the bus and, after a short walk, or rather stumble, he arrives through the front door of
the house where his girlfriend is in the front room. She’s not happy and James knows she is not
happy. “Are you drunk again?” she asks and James answers by dragging her off the sofa and
hitting her in the stomach until she knows not to question his drinking again. When the baby
wakes up and starts crying, James decides to stop. It seems that, despite being intoxicated,
James had control over most of his decisions that night, which enabled him to get home without
too much hassle, any arguments or fights. He also had ultimate control over whether to beat his
girlfriend and when to choose to stop.
What’s that got to do with me?
You may be reading this and thinking that this is not you, that you do not have a problem with
drink or drugs and only use substances at the weekends or at the odd party. Substance use does
not necessarily mean substance abuse. However, as soon as being drunk or high is having a
46
detrimental effect on the way you behave towards others, your partner, your children, then the
drink or drug use – however infrequent or low level – has become problematic.
Your substance use is problematic if you are using the household funds to buy, or if you are
forcing your partner to ‘loan’ you money for, drink or drugs. Are you aware that your partner may
be less likely to argue with you and more willing to comply with your demands when you have just
come back from the pub in order to avoid an argument or avoid being hurt? No violence may be
involved, but implicitly you have been controlling her behaviour through your drinking or drug use.
What do you think that must feel like for her?
If you continue to do something that you know drives you to be abusive – why are you continuing
to do it?
What if she’s the one with the drink/drug problem?
But what about when your partner is the one with the drink or drug problems? What are the
dynamics here? There is increasing evidence that women who have been abused – by a partner
or in childhood – often drink or use drugs as a way of coping with their abuse. It acts as a form of
self-medication, to block out the pain and reality of what is happening to them. One study showed
that abused women were fifteen times more likely to abuse alcohol than the general population.
For drug use this was nine times more likely. Where both partners have been drinking, the
violence is more likely to be worse, as the woman is unable to use her skills in trying to calm
down and trying to avoid a threatening or violent situation. A woman who is intoxicated or high will
be less likely to perceive and assess risk and hence be less able to make provisions for safety of
herself or her children. All this is likely to lead to much more serious and dangerous levels of
violence.
Sometimes it’s common for men to say that if the victim has been drinking or using, then she is to
blame for her experiences of abuse. You may have found, for example, that your partner was
more likely to fight back or more likely to instigate an argument when she’d been drinking or
using. Perhaps then you feel like you have been provoked into hitting out?
However, even when your partner is intoxicated it can be all the more easy for you (or her!) to
minimise the abuse the next day. It’s still abuse though. It still has real consequences.
Maybe you don’t want her to stop!
This may sound strange but have you ever threatened that the children may be removed if she
tried to look for help for a drink or drug problem? Are you essentially fearful that if she does
manage to stop drinking or using, she may get enough courage to leave you? It is not
uncommon for someone to sabotage another’s efforts to become sober because of the fear of
losing control over them. You may not identify with this sabotaging behaviour, or even view it as
abusive – but it is!
47
It won’t happen again, I’ve promised to stop!
Unfortunately, simply cutting down on drink or drugs, or stopping altogether, is not sufficient to
stop abuse. Women interviewed about the role of alcohol in their partner’s abuse reported that
their partner was also abusive to them when sober.
Other research shows that treatment for drug or alcohol use can reduce the levels of violence.
However, it rarely stops you from being abusive altogether and less dangerous levels of violence
are still present. This is to be expected because underlying the violence is not just the alcohol or
drug consumption. There are more issues that need to be addressed.
However, these issues can be addressed later or as part of the help you may receive when you
decide to do something about your drinking or drug-taking behaviour. The main thing for you to
realise now is that you can live a better life either without the drink or drug, or much more
responsibly and healthily if you commit to cutting down. Lot’s of people have already!
Karen Bailey
48
nnn WORKSHEET 4
Questions about alcohol, drugs and abuse*
Now you have looked at what the evidence tells us about alcohol and abuse it might be useful (if
painful) to face up to some serious questions about your use of alcohol and drugs. While alcohol
and/or drugs do not cause you to become violent they do cause problems in your life and your
relationships. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Has your drug or alcohol use affected your relationships with your partner and family?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Do you get angry if your partner comments on how much you are drinking or using other
substances?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What do your partner and family think about your drug use?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Has anyone in your family been frightened or harmed by you when you’ve been substance
affected?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Have you ever hit, kicked or pushed your partner or child when intoxicated?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Have you ever harmed or frightened your family when you were sober?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
49
With regard to your partner’s alcohol/drug use:
Do you ever make her feel that she should drink or use other substances or do certain things in
exchange for alcohol or drugs?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Have you ever blamed your abuse on her drink or drug use?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Have you ever tried to interfere with your partner’s attempts to stop drinking or using other
substances?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
How does it make you feel when your partner expresses intent to enter alcohol/drug treatment or
try and control her substance use?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
You might also want to complete the dependence questions on the next page. For further
information about alcohol and drugs and what to do if you need help or support, see the Useful
Contacts section (p 129).
* Adapted with thanks from material provided by the Stella Project, London.
50
nnn WORKSHEET 5
Alcohol dependency indicators
Have a go at answering these questions – if you answer yes to the majority you might want to
consider speaking to a drug or alcohol worker.
In the last six months have you … Yes No
1. Needed to drink/use more to get the

desired effect or has your usual amount
given you less effect than before?
2. Felt sick or unwell when the effect of the

substance has worn off, have you used
more to relieve these feelings?
3. Drunk/used large amounts for longer than

you anticipated?
4. Have you had a desire to cut down or

control how much and how often you drink/use?
5. Spent large amounts of time drinking/

using and recovering from the effects?
6. Given up work, social and recreational

activities as a result of your drinking/using?
7. Continued to drink/use despite the effects

on your health and well-being?
Adapted from: Gossop, M., Griffiths, P., Powis, B. and Strang. J. (1992) Severity of dependence and route of administration of
heroin, cocaine and amphetamines, British Journal of Addiction, 87, 1527-1536.
51
Violence and anger:
the health consequences for you
If reading this book has made you think about how your violence or anger might have affected
your partner or children, the injuries they may have had or the emotional distress caused by your
behaviour, that in itself is a strong motivation to change! It’s probably really hurting you to think of
how you have hurt them, but have you ever stopped to think about how your violence or anger
has hurt you – physically and emotionally?
In fact, you may be experiencing health problems yourself as a result of your behaviour!
Physical injuries
First of all, the physical injuries are the most obvious. You may have broken bones in your hands
and feet from punching or kicking doors and walls. Guys tell us they often head-butt walls!
Or after an argument with your partner, have you ever stormed out, gone to the pub, had a few
drinks and then picked a fight with a guy who happens to just be looking your way? It’s
sometimes much easier to feel physical rather than emotional pain – the emotional pain that your
behaviour is causing for other people – and you!
Here are two men speaking about the physical damage they caused to themselves in the past:
“After that time I was violent [to his partner] I was full of self-loathing and shame.
One day I got drunk and I was in a rage with myself. I went home and I got this axe
from out of the garden shed and I used that axe to cut off my ‘wedding ring’ finger.”
Bill
“I hated myself so much for what I’d done. Hated myself just generally that I used
to stick a sharp knife that I had in the floorboards, and I used to do press-ups over
it until I was exhausted. And I used to punch walls all the time. My body’s still
racked with pain because of all that!”
Jack
Another man that we know, Brian, told us how he used a razor blade to cut scars in his arms … it
helped with the pain that he seemed to feel all the time. Maybe you have even been injured
during an argument with your partner. Women do sometimes fight back, and men are injured and
killed in the home.
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VIOLENCE AND ANGER: THE HEALTH CONSEQUENCES FOR YOU
Risky behaviour
Do you ever act in a way that might be called ‘risky behaviour’? Taking risks with your health? This
might be by driving really fast while you are angry – ‘road rage’ – which is dangerous for you and
others, or you might ‘self-medicate’ with drink or drugs.
Drinking and taking drugs can numb the pain in the short term, but it’s easy to become addicted
and we can all have a tendency to play down the amount of alcohol we drink, convincing
ourselves it’s not a problem. Be honest with yourself … what impact does your drinking have on
your relationships with your family?
l How many times have you argued when you have been drinking?
l Has that argument ended up in violence?
l How much do you remember?
l Are you having blackouts?
l Have you lost your appetite?
l Do you have stomach problems?
l Do you have serious hangovers?
l Do you miss work through drinking?
l Have you alienated family and friends?
Overuse of alcohol or drugs can cause very serious long-term health problems and you may need
help to overcome such addictions. A lot of guys say that the alcohol/drugs are like ‘a crutch’ but
are only a ‘short-term fix’ – you get the high and can forget your troubles but the lows always
come and they get worse!
Chasing the highs!
If you are feeling low and ashamed through experiencing problems with your violence and anger,
you may also be feeling a compulsion to ‘lift’ yourself by gambling, or by ‘retail therapy’, spending
money you haven’t got. This will get you into debt, which can cause further worry and stress for
you. And thinking of stress, how often do you feel nervous, panicky, anxious, frightened, one
minute heart racing and ‘high as a kite’, next minute tired, exhausted and depressed? Are you
managing to sleep? Do you lie awake watching the clock, mind racing, then drop off just before
the alarm? You might even fear going to sleep because of nightmares.
Sleeplessness and nightmares
If you think back to your childhood, it might be that you experienced some form of violence,
abuse or neglect then, and it’s not unusual for some of those ‘nightmare’ times from childhood to
haunt you as an adult. It may even be that you were actually sexually abused as a child but have
always felt too guilty and ashamed to tell anyone or ask for help. It’s not unusual to experience
53
symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder’ when living constantly with memories of violence and
abuse, reliving incidents over and over, and experiencing ‘flashbacks’, where certain things can
trigger off memories – sights, sounds, smells.
You might at times have felt suicidal, thought that life is not worth living. You might have made
plans … thought of which wall you would drive into, or a place you might hang yourself. (The
male suicide rate is rising and men often choose violent methods of killing themselves.) You might
have even tried to commit suicide before and wish you had succeeded, and in desperation you
might see it as the only way out of the mess you are in, but who would you/could you turn to for
help? Or have you felt too weak and ashamed to ask for help?
Finding help
Odds are that if you are still reading this book then you have already taken a big step towards
helping yourself, but can you do it alone? Who might be able to help you?
Even if you have not been physically violent but have struggled with feelings of anger, ‘bottling up’
strong emotions, channelling everything into anger – feeling tightness in your chest and throat,
sick sensations deep in your belly – there can be serious health problems ahead if you don’t take
steps to change. Research has shown that long-term suppressed anger can lead to high blood
pressure, strokes and coronary heart disease. Come to think of it, when did you last have a ‘good
cry’? ‘Bottling up’ strong emotions can lead to anxiety, depression, low self-confidence and low
self-esteem.
So, what kind of physical and emotional state are you in? When did you last visit your doctor?
Have you thought about getting a general health check? Are you like a lot of men –
nervous/frightened of going to see a doctor? ‘It might be a woman, I will feel too embarrassed, I
don’t know how to make appointments’… sound familiar?
There is plenty of healthcare information out there for women but not a lot for men. Lack of
information and ignorance about our own bodies and health adds to a stance of ‘putting your
head in the sand’ – ‘if it ain’t broken it don’t need fixin’’. Men are dying from a reluctance to go
and see a doctor, for example when they find a lump in their testicles (when did you last check
yours?). So seriously, consider how your health is being affected by your anger/violence and ask
yourself: is it time for a health check? Do you need an MOT?
It takes courage
It takes courage to admit you have a problem with your violence/anger/temper. It takes courage to
pick up the phone to make an appointment to see your doctor or a counsellor or a violence
prevention project, and it takes even more courage to physically get yourself to that appointment.
But what have you got to lose if you don’t?
54
VIOLENCE AND ANGER: THE HEALTH CONSEQUENCES FOR YOU
You might have already lost your partner, your children, your friends, you might be feeling lost,
alone, despairing, hopeless … But you are reading this book and you are thinking of the help you
might need to change.
So do yourself a big favour – pick up the phone and make an appointment to see your doctor for
a health check. Maybe your doctor’s surgery has got a counselling service. Make a list of any
health problems you may have as a result of violence/risky behaviour. Check out your local library
and phone book for any projects in your local area that can help with health problems –
alcohol/drugs, smoking cessation.
So when you consider the health consequences of the violence/temper/anger/abuse in your life:
l How healthy are you?

l How healthy is your lifestyle?
l How is your lifestyle/behaviour affecting your health (physically and emotionally)?
l What do you want to change?
l What can you do to make things different and improve your health?
l What’s your next move?
You owe it to yourself! And you are worth it!
Sue Dominey
See:
Men’s programmes: what are they about? (p 116)
55
The challenges and rewards of personal change:

the road to growth, responsibility and contentment
So far we have asked you to look back on your own behaviour and how what you have
learned has often been damaging for you, for your relationships with your partner(s) and
for your children if you have any.
While we need to accept responsibility for behaviour that is ours, we also need, if we are
to change, to move on! We need to keep moving and to learn new ways of thinking,
being and acting.
So now we want you to think about the possibility of you making changes for the better
in your life. This will take hard work and commitment. It might be painful at times. It may
be about having to let things go! About letting people go.
However, if you do commit to living your life in a way that is responsible and respectful
there is a real possibility of you experiencing a real sense of personal growth and maybe
even some personal contentment with who you are and who you can become.
So, we now want to examine the question so many men in your circumstances have
asked: namely, Can I change?
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Can I change?
Change is something we are engaged in all the time, it is part of being alive. If you look back on
your life you have probably already gone through many remarkable and difficult transitions. Some
of these would have been chosen by you and some not. How you have handled these is what, in
part, makes you who you are now.
Examples of change you have probably already faced are:
l starting school;
l leaving home;
l the death of someone close to you;
l falling in love;
l your first job;
l an end of a relationship.
So, facing up to change and learning what we can from it are what being human is all about.
Looking at the list above, you are probably thinking about how you responded to some of these
changes in the past and some of the ways in which you may have messed up. Wouldn’t it be
great to have another go at some of these experiences. Many of life’s big events you only get one
shot at; a few, like relationships, you can start over again with another person.
So, why do you need to change? You probably know the answer to this or you would not be
reading this. If you haven’t already asked yourself where you see yourself in two or five years’
time, if you continue doing what you’re doing, then ask yourself now. Put the book down and
spend some time, quietly, on your own, thinking about what your life and the life of those close to
you will be like if you stay just as you are.
Complete Worksheet 6: Steps to responsbility: why I need to change (p 60)
So now you probably have some answers and some concerns. When I do this I have a picture of
what my life will look like in five years’ time. I know there are things I want to change but I feel
scared because I don’t know how possible it is to be different. Making change happen in your life
is about taking a risk, doing the unfamiliar. Most of us are comfortable doing the usual, going out
with the same friends, wearing familiar clothes; we all have habits and a comfort zone. Change
means stepping out of the familiar and most of us don’t do it unless it is too painful to stay where
we are.
57
Intimate relationships are unpredictable, there are no guarantees and the only constant in any
relationship you have is you. If you are thinking that you need to change so that someone will
return to or stay with you then you are probably not going to do it. If, however, you are thinking
that you need to change because it’s what you want then you are starting off with a chance of
something better.
The only thing that I have heard other men say about why they want to change, that makes any
sense to me, is that it is a matter of their self-respect. Do you believe you are doing the best that
you can? Will you look back on your contact with your partner/children/friends and feel pride or
shame? Self-respect and who you really want to be are things that are at the centre of changing
your behaviour in relationships.
If you are reading this then you are at least considering the possibility that there are other ways for
you to understand your behaviour and do things differently. Maybe you have already started
making changes in yourself and reading this is part of that process. Achieving change is, of
course, more than stopping the behaviours that hurt yourself and others – it is about trying
something new.
The thing I have always found most difficult about change is doing something new; change is a
leap of faith. Change will mean paying attention to how you feel. Often when we have a negative
feeling we look around for something or someone to blame for ‘making’ us have this feeling. If
you have been abusive you probably thought it was your partner or ex-partner’s fault, ‘she’s
making me jealous’,’ she’s winding me up’ and so on.
Developing your ‘emotional muscle’
If you are serious about change you will have to try to respond differently to your feelings. Not by
ignoring them or trying to distract yourself by going out or watching television. These are only
short-term solutions that have a use when you are not ready to tackle the more difficult steps.
Being non-abusive means you will not be able to use your abusive behaviour to protect you from
the difficult experiences in your life and relationships. You will feel vulnerable, which as men we
are not comfortable with. This will require that you develop what a colleague of mine used to refer
to as ‘emotional muscle’. You will not be able to deal with everything straight away. You may not
be strong enough to be safe in any relationship at the moment. You may need to stay single for a
period of time, while you focus on ending your abusive behaviour.
The benefits of change
Despite the fact that you will feel down about how you have behaved in the past and uncertain
about the future, there will be benefits as a result of changing your behaviour – your relationships
will be richer, you will deal with other problems in your life better, relationships with your children (if
you have them) will be better. These are hugely important things that you will want to build on and
58
CAN I CHANGE?
for a period of time this should be the focus of your life. If you want to get fit, it takes a sustained,
consistent effort and changing your behaviour will require the same discipline and sense of
purpose. Getting fit is something most of us can do if we really want to. Ending your abusive and
violent behaviour in relationships forever is something you can also do, if you want to.
Other men have and are living much better, more fulfilled lives as a result of changing their
behaviour. Their stories are in this book. Have a look at them and see how change is possible
and why you need to commit to your own personal process of change!
Neil Blacklock
See:
Stories of growth, responsibility and change (p 121)
59
nnn WORKSHEET 6
Steps to responsibility: why I need to change
What words would I use to describe my life at the moment?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
How would I describe the quality of my relationships at the moment?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
With my partner?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
With my ex-partner?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
With my children/my partner’s children?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
With others who are important to me?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Reasons why I need to change

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
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CAN I CHANGE?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Reasons against
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What excuses do I use to sabotage change in myself?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What changes have I made that have been successful?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
If I carry on the way I am right now, where will I be in:
One month?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
One year?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Five years?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
My strategies for change are … don’t know?

(start with small things that you could do to change your life for the better each day)
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SAFETY NOTE: THIS IS ABOUT YOU. NOT WHAT YOU COULD ASK OR TELL SOMEONE ELSE TO DO!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Responsibility
Being responsible is about being adult; grown-ups take responsibility. A responsible man acts
while being fully aware of his thoughts and feelings, as well as mindful of the consequences and
fully prepared to accept responsibility for what he does. Many men spend a lot of their adult life
avoiding growing up, particularly men who are being abusive in close relationships. I remember
my 21st birthday and feeling nothing like a man. I didn’t even know what being a man was meant
to feel like. I didn’t know what it was to be responsible. I knew how to do the opposite – I knew
how to blame. If you’re wondering what blame sounds like, listen to Steve talk about his
relationship:
“Some days you can’t get anything right, no matter what you do, nothing is good
enough. I brought home these flowers and a book, some author I know she likes.
Only a few days before she had been going on at me about how I never think of
her, how I never get her anything or do something unexpected. Then we had this
argument, about nothing really, I got jealous about some bloke she knows at work,
who she’s always talking about. Stupid really, he’s not even very attractive but she
starts winding me up about it. If she had just said ‘I love you’ or ‘don’t be so
foolish’, you know, stuff like that, the sort of thing anyone in their right mind would
say. No, not her, she starts being all sarcastic saying, ‘Yeah that’s right, I fucked him
in me lunch hour, in between going to Tesco and picking up the dry cleaning’. Why
would she do that, with me already upset, it’s like she is pushing me all the time. I
lashed out at her and slapped her, I know it’s not right but she winds me up.
Anyway, I got these flowers to say sorry and she’s now gone and put them in the
bin. She says, ‘do you think a bunch of flowers is going to make it better, make it
all OK?’. I try and she throws it back in me face, whatever I do it’s wrong. I don’t
think I can take this much more, she needs counselling.”
l What did you think reading that? Maybe you thought he was right and she does
need counselling?
l Do you think she will stay with him?
l What do you think he will be like if she leaves him?
l How do you think he feels?
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RESPONSIBILITY
l Put yourself in his shoes and just spend some time thinking about how he feels.
What does the world feel like to him?
l How does he feel in his relationship? How do others see him? Does it feel adult?
When I do this it reminds me of my teenage years, when relationships felt exciting but
overwhelming. Everything felt a bit out of control but I was trying my best to present a very cool
(what I thought was cool) front to others. Not taking responsibility makes your life feel out of
control. Stuff happens to you and you are clueless about why and feel like everyone’s got it in for
you, a bit like Steve.
In Steve’s first sentence, he already sees himself as a victim – not the central character in his life,
but the innocent bystander. He goes on to finally blame his partner for not being reassuring
enough about his jealousy. He fails to take responsibility by doing something to sort himself out
and tries to fob her off with a present. When she won’t let him off the hook, he sees her as the
one with the problem. Blaming is stupid! And unhelpful. It stops you from learning, it stops you
from growing up, it keeps you unhappy and means repeating the same mistakes, relationship
after relationship.
Blaming
If you have found yourself thinking or saying any of the following (or anything close to the
following) about your own abusive or controlling behaviour, you have been blaming:
l It wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t …

l She started it.
l She winds me up, pushes my buttons (or anything else that makes you sound like a
mechanical toy that blew a gasket).
l I’d been drinking.
l She …
l It takes two to tango (variations on this are that there are two sides to every
story/coin).
Imagine what it’s like living with someone who doesn’t take responsibility, a ‘blamer’, someone
who always has an answer, someone who thinks what he does is always someone else’s fault.
This doesn’t sound much like intimacy or even a tolerable situation.
63
So what are you taking responsibility for?
Are you taking responsibility for this?

Yes/No
Sleeping in and being late for work
What you eat
What clothes you put on in the morning
Where you go on holiday
Whether you are responsible for your personal hygiene
Making an appointment at the doctors if you have a health concern
Whether or not you clean your teeth
Responsibility is fairly simple: you are responsible for what you do and others are responsibility for
what they do. There is no way out of this one. If you are drunk you are still responsible for what
you do. If you get in a car and kill someone, try telling the court you are sorry that you were drunk;
it isn’t going to get you far and it won’t reduce the consequences of your actions. There is a
section specifically about alcohol in this book. See It’s not me – it’s alcohol (or drugs) (p 44).
If you’re upset at your partner, feel hurt, or frightened, people will understand how you feel and
may even sympathise but you are still totally responsible for how you act on those feelings.
I run groups for men who want to end their use of violent and abusive behaviours in intimate
relationships. One thing that makes doing that work a privilege is seeing the change when
someone moves from experiencing themselves as the victim and being angry, to taking
responsibility for their life.
Sometimes that change is visible: they seem to stand taller, look better, and appear more
substantial. Up to this point they are often angry, whiney, resentful, and looking at everyone else’s
behaviour but their own.
One of my co-workers said something that stays with me: “You know when you’re blaming,
because then it’s all about her behaviour and your feelings. When you start to take responsibility,
it’s about your behaviour and her feelings”. Think about it!
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RESPONSIBILITY
Being responsible: why bother?
If it is so good to think and act responsibly, why don’t we all do it, all the time? Well there are
some real pay-offs from blaming. Blaming is part of how our society views and talks about
violence. If you ask someone why they were violent, you are most likely to hear something about
how the other person wound them up. Given how widespread blaming is, you will have to work
hard not to get drawn into this way of thinking.
Also, if you see someone else as responsible for your behaviour, you do not see yourself as
needing to change. If you see your partner as making you hurt her, you can avoid the sadness
and guilt that you would feel if you accepted responsibility. If you are able to convince others that
it is her fault, then you can make yourself look better. Taking responsibility will mean having to look
at your behaviour, feel shame and guilt about how you have hurt others and be honest about what
you have done.
Taking responsibility means thinking differently. When things are not going well in our
relationships, often our first thoughts are: ‘what is up with her?’. Taking responsibility means
thinking about how you are behaving and how you are contributing to things. It means not running
off to the pub or to work when things are hard. It means being prepared to listen and hear what
she is saying. It means working at understanding yourself, because that is also your responsibility,
not your partner’s or your children’s. However, it means being in control of your life, your violence
and whether you are happy or not, because you are responsible for that too.
If you are serious about ending your abusive behaviour, there is no other way than to take
responsibility. The guilt will lessen as it is replaced by pride in the changes you are making.
Neil Blacklock
See:
Worksheet 7: Taking on responsibility (p 66)
65
nnn WORKSHEET 7
Taking on responsibility
You may have begun work on this when you read what Neil Blacklock said about how necessary it
is for us to take responsibility for ourselves, and stop shifting it onto other people or blaming them
for actions that are ours. It is worthwhile spending more time on doing this as an exercise either
on your own or with someone who can support you in thinking your way through some of this
work. As with all the worksheets in this book, it is important to be honest with yourself.
It may be that you expect others (particularly your partner) to take on many responsibilities, such
as childcare, housework and budgeting, just because you say so. Of course, if this is something
that you and your partner have agreed and both are okay with, then that’s fine. It’s probably likely
though that you’ll find that you have expectations (often unreasonable ones) about your own and
other people’s responsibilities. It is important to ask yourself where your ideas that other people
(women in particular) should take on responsibilities on your behalf comes from.
I take responsibility for: I expect (name) to take Where does this idea
responsibility for? come from? (is it right or fair?)
66
RESPONSIBILITY
Now that you have completed this, answer the three questions in the boxes below.
What are the advantages to me/my self-respect about taking on more responsibility for myself?
How might (partner’s name ........................... ) (others .......................... ) benefit if I take on more responsibility?
What is stopping me from taking on more responsibility?
67
Just Like His Old Man?
I couldn’t really say my dad wasn’t a pleasant guy. He was always a bit of a charmer, but he
constantly used this charm to get out of things, you know, like taking us to school or looking
after us if we were sick and mum had to go to work. Mum used to say he was just another
kid really. He could be fun, but also very childish. When he felt you were getting attention
he could be really … pathetic really. I think he was afraid of growing up.”
Sharon (aged 15) on her dad Ray (aged 35)
Men who have begun to take on responsibility for themselves and the way they behave,
think and act in their relationships often say that one of the most important reasons for
doing so was because of their children. Whether they were living with their partners and
families or not, they still wanted to be a father to their children and, more importantly,
they wanted to be a responsible, caring father. Sometimes, what really spurred them on
was the realisation that when they looked at themselves, they hadn’t really been much of
a father. Maybe they were too busy working, or too caught up in their own problems, or
they just hadn’t thought about it! Sometimes the wake-up call was when they caught
themselves saying something or doing something – usually something they didn’t like in
themselves – which reminded them of their own fathers.
“I was driving one day and the kids were in the back. You know how they can get … all
worked up, you know, ‘Are we there yet?’, all that stuff! And they were banging on. And I
nearly lost it. I was gonna reach back and give the older one a clout, you know, ‘Just fuckin’
shut it willya?’ And just as I reached I saw my own face in the rear view mirror, and it was
just like me old man. That same angry face. Just like when he’d go for us. And I realised. I
was him! I thought … nah, nah, no more of this! You know, ‘cos, I hated him!”
Terry (aged 45) lives separately from his ex-partner
but still sees his son and two daughters regularly
In the two sections that follow we are asking you to do some thinking about what it
means to be a father and where your own ideas of what being a father means come
from. In the first – Being a father – you’ll be asked to think about what your children’s
world might be like, and what they might expect from the world, and from you at various
ages and stages of their lives as children. You’ll also be asked to think about your
children’s needs and about you and how you ‘operate’ as a father.
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RESPONSIBILITY
The section after that – Fathers and separation – is specifically for those of you who are
no longer living with your children. It is aimed at getting you to think of some of the
emotions (other than anger) that this may throw up for you. It also suggests that in order
to become (or carry on being) a responsible and loving father (as well as one who is
happier in themselves), it might be better to think in terms of needs rather than rights.
We hope you will find these helpful.
For those or you who have only recently found yourselves on your own, there are other
sections that you may also find useful, for example: Maybe it’s really over! (p 82).
69
Being a father
So you have got this far. I am sure that it has not been easy. Now we are going to look at what it
means to be a father, what effects your behaviour in your relationship with your partner/ex-partner
has had on your children and what you can do about it.
This is not a parenting guide. Parenting guides are mostly about getting children to behave. In this
book you have already read a lot about controlling people, so you know that getting your children
to do what you want is not the issue here. Having a real, genuine relationship is. We call this
child-centred fathering; instead of making decisions that will benefit you, the idea is to think about
and act in the interests of your child or children. It doesn’t matter too much if you are living with
them now or not. You still have a powerful influence in their lives, although you might not think so.
It is very likely that they think about you a lot.
Let’s start off with your own father. What was your relationship with him like?
This might be difficult to think about. You may even have said that you would not be like him.
Anyway, get a piece of paper and divide it in two. In one column write the things (qualities) about
your father you’d like to hold onto, and in the other the things that you would not. Try to think of
specific examples. If you write that your father was violent, think of a time when he was violent. If
he was caring to you and patient, think of a time when you remember that this was obvious, like if
he took you fishing and you talked about something that was bothering you. Once you have done
this, stop for a while. You might want to talk to someone about what you have written. Choose
someone who you trust, but also someone who is going to support you in ending all forms of
violence and abuse in your life.
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BEING A FATHER
Things about my father Things about my father

I’d like to hold onto: I’d rather let go:
The next stage is to think about what you have written in a different way. I want you to draw a line
with an arrow at each end. On the left write child-centred and on the right write parent-centred,
like this:
child-centred parent-centred
Now look at your list again. If you think things your father did were in his interest, and he was not
thinking that much about you, then write that at the parent-centred end. If what he did was in your
interest then put it at the other end. If you are not sure which, you can put them closer to the
middle. A word of caution though. If, for example, you think that when he hit you it was in your
interest, maybe you should think again. Was that really in your interest? If he wanted to stop you
from doing something that could hurt you, were there other ways in which he could have done
this? Were there times when you would get hit for something and other times when you would not
get hit for doing the same thing?
If you spend some time on this you should be better able to think about things from your
children’s perspective. We create our children’s world. We are big to them, not just physically.
They rely on us and they learn from us about how to handle problems. This is particularly the case
when they are young but we continue to influence them throughout their whole lives. Think about
the influence your father had on you. We might even sometimes think that our children are
manipulating us, playing us off against each other to get their way. Well, we give them the tools
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with which they make their worlds, so we have a responsibility in this.
So let’s think about your child or children. Start off with their names. Then their ages. Do you know
their dates of birth? Their favourite things in school? What they like to do in their spare time?
Sometimes we don’t know them as well as we think we do. If you start to discover that there are a
whole lot of things that you don’t know about your children, don’t immediately start quizzing them.
If you haven’t been paying much attention to them they might not take too kindly to being asked
now, and remember that we are trying to do things that are in their interest.
You also need to think about what age and stage of development your children are at. Not all
children develop in the same way. Maybe there are special circumstances for your child. In that
case you need to learn more about that. But in general, they start off totally dependent and then
move further away from you. They learn things from you, good and bad, every step of the way.
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Age Needs and concerns Emotional expression Thinking abilities Sexual and gender development
0–5 Needs to feel family Changes mood Cannot understand your Is trying to figure out what makes girls
is secure. Fears being quickly and obviously. opinions. Gets confused with and boys different.
abandoned by you. Relies on adults complex directions and Sometimes touches or plays with
Ages and stages
Relies on routines. to name feelings. statements. Relies on you to his/her private parts.
Is very concerned with Relies on adults to explain what is going on. May ask questions about adult’s
pleasing you. help calm them down. Thinking style leads to doing private parts.
things that can seem selfish.
5–7 Blames him/herself for Often shows feelings Not good at talking about May be curious about private parts
family arguments. Likes physically or with actions. feelings. Cannot consider of adults or other children.
to try to solve problems. Has trouble explaining many different points of view May play doctors with other children
Wants you to feel proud why he/she did something. at the same time. Tends to to learn about each other’s bodies.
of him/her. Worries a lot Starts to be able to cope think in black/white, Forms concepts about men and
about conflict in the family. with strong emotions. good/bad. Thinking can seem women by playing games like
stubborn and inflexible. house and war.
8 – 11 May try to solve conflict in Show feelings in behaviour Routinely considers thoughts Plays mostly with children of the same
the family. Worries about how and words. Will talk about and feelings of others. Doesn’t sex. Will go through a period of
he/she compares to others. feelings but not usually in understand sarcasm or reacting to sexual ideas with disgust
Gains pride and self- response to adult demands. double meanings. Has and avoidance. Starts to feel attraction
confidence by being able to Tends to be sensitive to difficulty with abstract to others and may try holding hands,
do things. Concerned about criticism, being thoughts. Adult help still kissing or touching.
rules being applied fairly. embarrassed or ridiculed. needed for thinking through
difficult situations.
12 + Withdraws from family Expresses moods clearly. Worries about how seen by Interested in sex and likely to
tension and conflict. Experiments with different others. Likes to try out new become sexually active.
Often insists on making ways of showing feelings. thinking skills by arguing Feels self-conscious about body.
decisions on own. Commonly questions own with parents. Enjoys thinking Likely to start to masturbate.
Fitting in with friends is emotional reactions. about things from all possible
very important. angles. Development of
Often feels everyone is mature behaviours may not
watching every move. keep up with adult-like thinking
skills.
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BEING A FATHER
The needs triangle
Below is a diagram that we’ll call the needs triangle. At the bottom is food, clothing and shelter.
These are the basics we all need in order to survive. The stages above that all build on each other
until we get to being the best we can be. Now think how you have contributed to your children’s
upbringing. On the left-hand side write down all the things that you did that helped them, starting
from the bottom and working your way up. When you have done that write those things that you
have done that were not so helpful on the right-hand side.
BWCB
Self-esteem
Emotional well-being and love
Need for stability
Food, clothing and shelter
(BWCB = Best We Can Be)
By this stage you might have a clearer picture of how your child sees you. This might not be all
that comfortable. In fact if you are feeling entirely comfortable then you are probably missing
something. Even at the best of times none of us are perfect fathers. I know that if I ask my own
children about things that they think I could do better, or if I embarrass them or annoy them, they
could tell me a few home truths. But it is better to have a clear picture about what I am like.
Otherwise I won’t be able to make the changes I need to make. You might think that your children
never saw, heard or were affected by your behaviour towards their mother. Maybe you should go
back and read the two sections on the effects of violence and abuse on children again (pp 36-
43). You know that they know what went on, maybe what is still going on. But it is never too late to
do something about it.
So what to do about this? First of all you are going to have to start noticing what you behave like
now. You have got a picture about how things have been. Now make a diary about what is going
on now. Even if you have very little contact with your children it is still important to do this. If your
only contact is through letters and some phone calls then use that. If you have no contact but you
are hoping to in the future then think about what you can do that will make that a good experience
for all concerned, and what will not make it good. Try something like this:
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BEING A FATHER
Me as a father
Date: _____________________________________________________________________________
Three things this week I felt good about as a father:
1 __________________________________________________________________________________
2 __________________________________________________________________________________
3 __________________________________________________________________________________
Three ways I praised my child. Be specific. What did you say?
1 __________________________________________________________________________________
2 __________________________________________________________________________________
3 __________________________________________________________________________________
Three things this week I struggled with as a father:
1 __________________________________________________________________________________
2 __________________________________________________________________________________
3 __________________________________________________________________________________
You need to become your own scientist. Examine your behaviour in detail and honestly. Here are
some of the things that I think you should be asking yourself.
l Are your children sometimes afraid of you?

l Do you get them to behave by using fear?
l Do they think of you as being predictable and safe?
l Do they get direct attention and time from you?
l Are they allowed to talk about whatever they want?
l Do they get time to play with you?
l Do you support them with their problems?
l Do they get enough independence to learn new things at their own pace?
When children grow up with violence in the home it can have a lot of different effects. And it
always has some effect. Now you need to think about how your violence to their mother has
affected your children. Right now you might be saying yes … but, and blaming their mother for
what has happened. But you need to take responsibility for your own change, by yourself. You
might think that the violence only happened sometimes, that the children didn’t see anything. But
if you haven’t talked to your children about what happened, then you don’t know how they feel
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about it. At the same time, one of the strongest messages you can give them, one that will have a
good effect, is that it is possible to change and that you can maintain that change over time.
Now you need to think about talking to your child. Be careful. You shouldn’t start without thinking
about exactly what you are going to say. And you must make sure that your child wants to talk
about it. If they don’t then you have to respect that. You can leave the door open for another time
but don’t force it.
The good things about talking to your children about violence in the home is that they learn that it
is not their fault, that violence is not an acceptable way to resolve problems or to get people to do
what you want and that we can all take responsibility for how we act, and change this if it needs
changing. You probably need to tell them that you are sorry, that it was nothing they did or said
that caused the violence. They need to know that it is okay to tell you how they felt and feel about
it. You need to listen to what they say and accept it, even though that might be difficult to hear.
Remember, how you have treated their mother and how you treat her in future is important for
your children. If you behave abusively to her you are hurting them too.
Dermot Brady
See:
The effects of violence and abuse on children:
needs and concerns (p 36)
The effects of violence and abuse on children:
what the evidence shows (p 41)
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Fathers and separation
In recent years the words ‘fathers’ and ‘separation’ have conjured up extreme images: a purple
flour bomb being thrown at the Prime Minister, Batman scaling Buckingham Palace and Sir Bob
Geldof ranting against the law. When arrested or interviewed, these men portray themselves as
martyrs in a just cause, protesting against an establishment that deprives them of their rights for
no better reason than their gender.
Simple, uncomplicated messages are undoubtedly easiest to communicate. However, I want to

paint a different picture. As a family mediator, my job is to help people to get through the trauma
of separation. And over the last 15 years I have heard literally thousands of stories – stories of
something quite different, of men and women wrestling with the biggest trauma of their lives,
dealing with loss and grief and transition, and of course of love. Let’s not forget love.
In my work I also have the privilege of hearing these stories from both sides. And here’s a
fascinating thing: when you listen to two perspectives on a conflict, trying to understand each
person’s point of view, they both make sense. Everybody’s story makes sense to them. So I want
to look at separation and fatherhood a bit differently, using the following categories:
l loss rather than fault;

l needs rather than rights;
l love rather than battle.
Loss and grief
First of all, separation is a loss. No matter how bad a relationship may have become, there is no-
one who didn’t start off on a wave of optimism. Think of the losses involved:
l loss of a companion/friend;
l loss of your children’s company (of which more later);
l loss of your house;
l loss of your lifestyle;
l perhaps worst of all, the dashing of hopes, of years invested in something that turns
to ash – the loss of ‘us’.
Like any loss, a separation needs to be mourned. In the 1960s well-known psychologist Elisabeth
Kubler-Ross spoke to terminally ill people and identified certain ‘steps’ or ‘stages’ in grieving.
People experiencing separation seem to go through something very similar:
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l denial (‘This can’t be happening’);

l anger (‘You hurt me, I’ll hurt you’);
l bargaining (‘Please come back’);
l depression (‘I can go neither forward nor back’);
l acceptance (recovery and the renewal of hope).
However, separation is not a death; rather, a rejection. The object of your anger is often very
much alive, and possibly having fun with your children or, worse, a new partner. This is where the
natural rage at any loss can become lodged – stuck! – a permanent state of bitterness, from
which any movement would be a betrayal.
For most fathers, things do eventually move on. Not so much as it’s happening, but after the
event, many men can re-trace their steps through shock, rage, sadness and eventual acceptance.
Love, anger and sadness
One interesting angle on this comes from the work of Robert Emery, an American researcher and
writer. In his book The Truth About Children and Divorce he suggests that the grieving for a
breakup goes in a cycle, with people lurching between love, anger and sadness. The transitions
from one state to another can be bewildering, with someone expressing undying love one
moment and deepest hatred the next.
Emery reckons that anger is a kind of ‘all-purpose’ emotion, as if we are playing on a dodgy
roulette wheel where the ball always falls into the same slot. It is easier to feel anger than
sadness or love. He also thinks that, when we start to feel more than one of these emotions at
the same time, we are on the road to recovery.
My purpose here is simply to illustrate the enormous challenges in separating, as individuals,

while remaining in some way linked, as parents. It can make you angry, it can make you sad, and
both those things can be overwhelming. And perhaps the anger problem is more severe for men,
although I meet plenty of angry women. It may just be that men’s anger is more likely to lead to
someone getting hurt.
Leaver and left
I learned another important thing from listening to people talk about their break-up: separation is
often one-sided. Someone chooses it, and someone doesn’t.
Occasionally, two people say they grew apart, but even then one tends to be more lukewarm than
the other. In the great majority of cases, one person has chosen to end the relationship. This, of
course, means that the other person has the choice taken away from them. So while one person
has probably had years of contemplating this loss, grieving in secret and moving on, the other
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FATHERS AND SEPARATION
gets it all in one dose. Suddenly the bottom falls out of your world, and the worst of it is you have
no control over it. All of this is exacerbated by men’s position in law and in society: I’ve heard
guys say, “I’ve lost my partner, my home and my children”.
I now want to examine the perception of powerlessness that drives men up the walls of high
buildings.
Needs and rights
Many fathers feel that they get a raw deal. The facts speak for themselves – children are ‘resident’
with their father in about 10 per cent of separations. In most of the others, they live entirely or
largely with their mothers. This can seem grossly unfair.
The question is, how might this unfairness be remedied? Do the courts offer an answer?
One American study looked at men and women’s experience of family courts and the law. It
found that, while men were ‘comfortable with the notion of having to “fight it out”’ and ‘may be
better able to respect their opponents’, for women, ‘it is difficult, if not impossible, to respect a
fierce adversary’. Thus, women can experience the legal process as speaking in a ‘male’ voice.
The key passage states: ‘whereas men focus on rights, women focus on responsibility and care’.
This echoes my experience of mediating with separating people. Men will frequently say, “My
children stay with me five nights out of every fourteen,” or even, “104 nights last year”. Women
rarely describe the situation in these terms. They might say, “I don’t feel they’re being looked after
properly”, or “Children need their Mum”. I’m not saying that women are reasonable and men are
not. Indeed, women’s strong sense of entitlement as mothers is sometimes a huge source of
conflict. What I am suggesting is that men’s approach to fairness and justice can work against
them in dealing with the transition to separated parenting. We can appear inflexible and even
harsh.
I know that men care deeply about their children’s needs, but when we are challenged or
threatened, the focus seems to move away from kids and onto ourselves: “You get more than me:
that’s not fair!”. We seem to believe that, if only we could demonstrate the unfairness of the
situation to someone, they would understand and support us in getting our way.
All of this is made worse by the law itself. The language of ‘rights’ fuels the sense that a parenting
relationship can be ordered by a judge. The situations described by Fathers for Justice are
genuinely poignant, but in order to remedy them, men have turned to lawyers and the courts. I
want to suggest that this is self-defeating because the courts are the last place to nurture the kind
of re-modelled, working relationship that is most likely to lead to genuine shared parenting.
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If only they would tell her …
There is a real blind spot here. Many men believe that, if only the courts would ‘tell’ their ex-
partner to cooperate in shared childcare, they could have a fantastic relationship with their
children, without needing any relationship at all with ‘her’. One client’s son told his Mum that when
she called her ex’s mobile phone, it flashed up ‘the bitch’.
To put it a different way, parenting is relational. In other words, children depend on a triangle of
relationships – one with each parent and another one between their parents. They naturally want
the two people they love most to love, or at least like, each other. Separated parenting is no
different.
Responsibility, not rights!
The language of rights holds out a promise it can’t deliver. The courts simply cannot order the
‘right’ to a full and satisfying relationship with your children if there is nothing but hatred and
contempt between you and their mother. In my experience, that right implies an equally important
responsibility to maintain a relationship with their other parent.
I have noticed that those who have a cooperative, involved parenting role rarely discuss their
rights. A working relationship with your children’s mother is a much better guarantee of seeing
them than a piece of paper ordering contact.
So the key question stops being “How can I make sure I get my rights?” and becomes, “What
can I do that will improve the situation between me and my ex?”. Shouting, lecturing, complaining
to mutual friends, sending nuisance texts and even raising a court action are all calculated to
reduce the odds of developing a cooperative parenting role. Not only is this bad for children, it is
bad for fathers themselves, because the harder they fight (and often the more money they spend)
the less successful they are.
Love rather than anger
If this last bit sounds like a lecture, it grows out of sadness and regret for all the men I’ve met who
don’t see enough of their children. Men who are separated from their children think about little
else. They talk of a constant pain or a nagging sense of loss. Some men spend tens of
thousands of pounds trying to improve things. Some, as we know, even kill themselves and their
children rather than experience the loss any more.
We should not be fooled by men’s ways of expressing their emotions into believing that they are
unthinking or unfeeling. The situation can be complicated by the traditional roles men and women
fall into. Many men’s relationship with their children still depends to some extent on their partner.
So, although they may work long days and only see their children for an hour or two at night, the
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FATHERS AND SEPARATION
children are still sleeping under their roof and being looked after by their partner. This is ‘the deal’
for many couples. So when that deal comes to an end, there’s a double whammy – not only have
these men lost their children’s company, but they have lost the person who made their own
parenting possible. This is why women are often mystified at their ex-partner’s reaction, saying:
“he was never around for the kids when we were together”. Yet others believe he is a better dad
after the separation than before, because he now makes time for the kids.
Conclusion
My message is a simple one: being a separated father is in many ways no different from being in
an intact relationship. From a childs point of view, all that has changed is that their parents live in
different houses. Parenting is a relational activity and children, Mums and Dads themselves
benefit when that relationship is cooperative and effective. It is a tremendous blow, however, when
people split up, and the natural anger at loss may combine with men’s focus on rights, leading
them to choose tactics ill-served to achieve their goals. Sorting things out by talking to each other
or going to mediation are probably the best ways to preserve or rebuild a parenting relationship
after the trauma of separation.
Children just don’t like it when their parents hate each other, whether that loathing is white hot
rage or cold disdain. But out there are thousands and thousands of dads pouring most of their
waking energies into doing the best by their kids, building a working alliance with their ex-partner,
sometimes in spite of discouragement from all around. Let’s applaud and support these men,
whose children should be proud of them.
Charlie Irvine
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Maybe it’s really over!
The hurt we feel at the end of a relationship can be horrible. This is real grief; real bereavement. In
fact, it can feel worse than separation through death. The sadness, loneliness, anger and
desperation may be similar in both experiences. So may be the feelings of regret. But the
desperation that comes with separation can be twisted and made worse by bitterness, hurt pride,
jealousy or other feelings. Regret may be a common part of the experience of grief, but if you are
facing the fact that a relationship has ended because of your abusive behaviour, there is a whole
extra layer of guilt and shame to face.
Bereavement through death or the end of a relationship is an experience that is familiar to just
about everyone at some stage in their life. We know that people can survive grief; it hurts but we
do survive it. We also know that it takes time. Recovery from the grief of separation will take time
too.
However, it is not just the passage of time that will make this bearable. If you are in this situation
you need to face up to it and work out what you can do to help the recovery process. You also
have to think of the traps that might lie in the way, the ways you could make it worse for yourself –
and also for your ex-partner and your children – now and in the future. The danger might lie in
your self-talk, in the things you are telling yourself about the relationship or the break-up (and
therefore how you are feeling), or in the desperate impulsive things you might be tempted to do in
this desperate situation. This is as difficult a problem as you have ever had to deal with and you
have to keep as cool a head as you possibly can.
Thinking and feeling
So what is it that you are thinking? Perhaps of the good times and the fact that your dreams
about the future are not going to happen. You may feel put down or let down. You may feel bitter
and start to pick fault. If you have children you will be thinking about them, about custody, about
access, about their broken family – “How could she do this to them?”.
This relationship, this family, is so important to you; “It is who I am”. You’ve put so much into the
family yet you know that with your behaviour you have destroyed it. How do you reconcile the two
images of yourself: the ordinary decent man trying his best for his family, and that persistent
image of yourself shouting, hitting or kicking, causing fear in the people you love most in the
world. In crisis we tend to slip into black-and-white thinking. If you’re not one of these, you must
be the other. If you have behaved like a bad, frightening monster, can you ever have been (or be
again) a good partner or husband? If you can’t save the relationship you must be a failure.
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MAYBE IT’S REALLY OVER!
You need to remember that, while both the images of yourself may be accurate, neither of them is
the whole picture.
If you are feeling the bitterness, the immense sadness and the fear of being on your own, it is so
easy to turn that onto her: “She was hardly perfect”. You might start to think of this situation as a
battle that you can’t afford to lose it. This is black-and-white thinking again. It is a relationship
you’re thinking about; it shouldn’t be about winning and losing. Seeing it as winning and losing
got you where you are today. You could choose to carry on battling, but you have to remember
that she is not the enemy. Most importantly, you mustn’t create the crossfire that the children
could get caught in.
You might be tempted to cling on, hoping it will change, hoping she will forgive you – maybe like
she has before. Sometimes even now it might feel to you like she is in two minds. Sometimes
she’s friendly, sometimes you feel hopeful and allow yourself to think there is a chance of getting
back together. But then she seems to turn cold again; she makes it clear that a relationship is not
what she wants and you feel rejected again. You need to avoid this see-saw. If she doesn’t say
she wants back with you, try not to have expectations. Be very wary of the expectation that she
has the key to making things alright for you. Only you can do that.
Friendship with your ex-partner may be possible but only in the long term. It doesn’t happen after
most break-ups, so why should it happen with this relationship that has ended because you’ve
been abusive? You may build up your hopes of friendship but then the frightening image of
yourself comes back and you can’t shake it off. If you can’t shake it off you can be sure that she
can’t either. Maybe you should avoid the situations where your hopes might rise, maybe you
should make the decision to restrict socialising, to restrict contact with her.
You might be reading this at a time where the separation has gone further. Maybe she is already
building a new life without you. Maybe she has a new partner. You’re struggling. Part of you can’t
believe she could do this, but part of you says “she deserves it”. You feel humiliated. Just when
you thought you were accepting that things had changed, just when you were beginning to live
with yourself again, you feel thrown into self-hatred and confusion. Your negative self-talk goes
into freefall: “She’ll tell him all about me. He’ll be stronger, richer, kinder, better in bed. The
children will start to call him Dad. What if they don’t want to see me again? Why should they want
to see me again? I’m useless.”
‘Black-and-white’ thinking
You might try to deal with this using the old black-and-white thinking: either you’re useless and
bad, or she is, and you are the victim. It is so easy to persuade yourself that “she’s poisoning the
children’s mind, she’s turning them against me”. However, the clear, positive thinking, the
responsibility and honesty, and the strength that got you through the last stage can get you
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through this. “She has to move on. She deserves happiness and I have allowed her to find it. I am
still their father. They know it and I know it.”
You will be thinking about practical matters. How do you begin to disentangle all the parts of your
life that have been linked together through the relationship? If you’re going to be on your own,
how will you cope? Maybe your everyday routine can stay the same; maybe it’s possible to keep
going, to keep doing things. As men we might be good at just keeping going – but only up to a
point. What happens when you lock the door at night and you are on your own? What if the house
doesn’t feel like home?
Avoiding isolation
As men we might think that being independent is good, but again there are limits on this. You
might only now be realising how much you depended on her. If you have been together a long
time you may have lost contact with the close friends you used to have. However, the more you
withdraw, the more difficulties you will have. Isolation can lead to depression. Isolation also means
that your self-talk might be the only conversation you have about your situation. If you’re not
checking it out with someone you can trust, you could be falling into the same traps we talked
about earlier: black-and-white thinking, out of proportion, victims or villains.
Try to keep or rebuild your social life. You need to see and speak with people, but you also need
to choose these people carefully. It would be too easy to seek out only the friends who will tell you
“she was a bitch”, so easy to feed the resentment. The crowd in the pub may appeal but they are
unlikely to be a substitute for the kind of real friend you need just now. And the alcohol is also
unlikely to help you think clearly!
“How come she can cope with it?”. It might seem as though she’s doing just fine without you,
moving forward as though the relationship meant nothing to her. It may be that she’s already had
the chance to think about it, to make plans, to put the building blocks of a new life in place. Don’t
see yourself as dangling on a string. Accept the separation and make choices – what do you
want now? If you think about the times when you’ve been abusive, it’ll probably be the times
you’ve not felt in control. Beware now; take what control you can of your life. You might find that
by taking control of your life you will have less interest in controlling hers.
Responsibility for yourself!
You are responsible for yourself. You are responsible for your behaviour. You are responsible for
the effect of your behaviour on your children. You are responsible for looking for ways of repairing
what damage you can. Make choices; if you recognise the choices you have you will feel more in
control. Make the choice to survive; don’t be hooked into fighting.
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MAYBE IT’S REALLY OVER!
It is possible that you are reading this at a stage in time when you’re still together with your
partner. Maybe you know that she is only with you because she’s too scared to leave. Maybe she
has nowhere else to go. What can you do with this responsibility that you feel? What is the
honest, responsible and brave thing to do? Can you begin to fix it, to repair the damage? Maybe
it’s time for you to leave?
Some suggestions
l Look forwards but only by facing up to the past. Focus on what you can do for
yourself and for your children.
l Listen to your self-talk; you know the pitfalls. If you are thinking betrayal, revenge,
self-pity or hopelessness, you are in trouble. You know that these kinds of thoughts
and feelings led to you being violent and abusive or self-destructive in the past.
l Accept that children are always affected by violence (and by the separation of their
parents) and make sure your kids know that it is not their fault. Create a new home
for yourself but make it theirs as well.
l Think about what you can do to help your children’s relationship with their mother;
this is what they need now, not your bitterness.
l Accept that there may be restrictions on your contact with your children – personal,
practical or legal. If you can’t have contact at the moment or they don’t want
contact, remember that circumstances can change, they will get older and contact
may be possible in the future. The decisions you make now about how to handle
this will affect what your relationship with them in the future will be like. If there is a
court order, don’t ignore it. Consider mediation or supervised access.
l Look after your health; watch the smoking, drinking and drug taking.
Rory Macrae
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Recognising moods and feelings
– paying attention to them
You will have already seen from the sections on Men and violence (p 15) and Violence and anger:
the health consequences for you (p 52) that as men we tend to be poor at recognising and then
dealing with our feelings. The fact that we cannot recognise them, therefore, often makes us
assume that we have little control over them.
Do feelings come from nowhere?
It sometimes seems that feelings come from nowhere, impacting so quickly that we don’t know
what to do about them. We hear or see something that we don’t like and we seem to react
automatically. Someone says something to us we don’t expect and almost without knowing it we
end up in a completely different place emotionally from a few seconds before. OK one minute,
angry or bitter or jealous the next! Then we say something or do something to try and get rid of
that feeling. Often we take it out on the person nearest to us and very quickly we regret it. Or we
go into a mood, becoming surly and uncommunicative, sometimes for hours or days on end.
We need to realise as men that we have feelings that affect us all the time even though we may
not recognise them. Very often other people – particularly our partners – are able to recognise that
‘something is the matter’ even before we do.
An important side note: the writers in this book do not take the view that you will stop
being abusive if only you learn ‘to get in touch with your feelings’. Men’s partners have
told us that many times after men have done something they regret they are quite able
to ‘turn on the tap’ to become emotional and to promise to change.
Feelings are uncomfortable for many men
Some uncomfortable feelings are:
l feeling stupid;
l feeling weak;
l feeling embarrassed;
l losing face;
l feeling jealous;
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RECOGNISING MOODS AND FEELINGS – PAYING ATTENTION TO THEM
l feeling inadequate;
l feeling pathetic;
l feeling fearful;
l feeling anxious;
l feeling humiliated.
The fact is that feelings do seem uncomfortable for us much of the time. We are often reluctant to
express them unless we feel we have to. Instead, it can be easier if we can get others to ‘read our
mood’ so that they know to back off or to try and please us in certain ways. At other times,
feelings can be so uncomfortable that we spend all our time trying to keep them buried. This is
often what working all the time, partying, boozing, drugging or having to surround ourselves with
noise and excitement can be about.
Ineffective ways of dealing with feelings are:
l Trying to forget about them – hoping they’ll go away!

l Pretending we don’t care – ‘I couldn’t care less’.
l Blanking them out!
l Drinking them away!
l Drugging them away!
l Surrounding ourselves with noise, activity or people whose company isn’t really
good for us!
l Taking them out on something or someone else!
l Sulking!
l Going into a mood!
Recognising feelings
Here we will look at some of the ways in which we can recognise feelings. If you start to pay
attention you will find them there all the time in the background. Quite quickly you will be able to
bring them from the background into the here and now and see what effect they are having on
you and how they impact on the way you relate to other people.
You will find them in your thoughts, in the words you say to yourself inside your head or under
your breath. You will also find them in the things you feel in your body and in your movements and
in the small rituals that go on that we don’t notice but other people do.
Recognising your feelings can keep you safe!
We are going to suggest a number of techniques or tools (safety tools – that is, tools that keep
you safe to others and safe to yourself) that you can use so you can recognise your feelings more
readily, begin to understand where they come from and, once you know they are there, know how
87
you can deal with them responsibly – and safely.
Although every man’s experience is different, each of us absorbs messages that we should be
both in control of, and inexpressive about, showing our feelings.
While not as rigid as it used to be (think about footballers showing remorse or being in tears over
a missed penalty, for example) the situations we are allowed to show emotions in are still pretty
limited. Usually we learn early on in life that big boys don’t cry, or if they do, there had better be a
good reason for it! The emotions we still have much more freedom to express are joy and elation
(what if he hadn’t missed that penalty?), and the emotion most available on tap – anger.
Many men who experience problems in their relationships and who have resorted to violent or
abusive behaviour have concluded that what is really at stake here is an ‘anger problem’. This
way it is possible to see the behaviour as a technical fault, which ‘anger management’ will sort
out. While some men do have consistent problems with anger that spills over from their life
outside the home to their life at home and to their relationships, the picture is usually a little more
complicated than this.
Recently, Dave Morran interviewed a number of men who had been violent in their relationships in
the past. He asked them about the way they operated in the outside world and how they
functioned in their lives with their partners and children. Here is Adam (not his real name), a 41-
year-old taxi driver talking about how he deals with his emotions at work:
Adam at Work
Adam: “I’ve worked on the cabs for about ten years and as you know,
this is a military town. You get it all the time from drunk
servicemen, trying to wind you up, sicking up in the back, out of
the doors quick as a flash without paying, giving up all kinds of
cheek and crap …”
Interviewer: “So how do you manage to keep the lid on things, and keep
from losing the place with these guys?”
Adam: “Well, let’s just put it this way. They’re guys letting off steam. Plus
… if I did, you know, something might happen [laughs] like …
I’m getting on, you know, so try taking one of them on and you
never know what could happen. I mean, I’ve got my health to
consider [laughs].”
Interviewer: “So you’ve worked all these years, taken all sorts of crap and
never lost your cool?”
Adam: “I wouldn’t say I’ve never got worked up or angry, but what I
mean is that I’ve never lost the place …”
88
Interviewer: “Meaning you’ve never lost your temper?”

Adam: “Yeah, that’s right.”
Interviewer: “Never got violent?”
Adam: “No way mate. Too much to lose. My teeth and my job! [laughs]”
Interviewer: “So why do you think you keep losing your cool at home, keep
losing the place there?”
Adam: “I don’t know really. Saving face I guess.”
Adam at home
As far as the world was concerned, Adam was a happy-go-lucky sort of guy. Always willing to do
a mate a favour. People found it difficult to understand why, one day, Sheila, his partner and
mother to his two young children (Adam also had two older daughters from a previous marriage)
left him.
The man inside the mask
When Adam sought advice he realised that the happy-go-lucky face was a mask he saved for the
outside world. Inside he felt quite insecure. Growing up he had not been very quick at school, had
difficulties with reading and writing. Like many men he could recall that much of his life seemed
about having to try and prove himself to others, about living up to an unattainable, unrealistic
standard of being tough, competent and in control. In fact, inside he constantly felt uneasy as he
couldn’t live up to these demands.
Adam had written off his first marriage as “us just being wrong for each other”. When he met
Sheila, however, he thought he’d found the perfect match. Consequently, he was devastated
when Sheila left him and described him to her friends as being like a tyrant around the house. “He
used to come home, you’d never know what kind of mood he’d be in”, she told her counsellor.
“He always had to have a go at everybody, me, not so much the kids, but he’d have a go at my
friends till gradually they stopped coming round. Nothing I could do was right!”
So what was going on here?
First, Adam who had grown up with set ideas about how he should operate as a man had also
soaked up all sorts of beliefs about how men should behave towards women and about the kinds
of things that women should be expected and able to do around the house. In short, he brought
to this relationship a whole baggage of rules and expectations inside his head, which he didn’t
really know he had but which were there all the time.
89
Irritable
Also, as he had strong beliefs in not expressing emotions or even recognising them, everything
seemed to come out as irritability. This was bad enough in itself. However, when Sheila, ‘stepped
out of line’ or ‘went too far’ then the irritability turned into something else. Namely, rage and fury.
How did this happen? Let’s examine the process.
Worried and uncertain
While, deep down, Adam wanted to be a caring and responsible man and a decent partner for
Sheila, his expectations about how women should behave and his constant underlying worries
about having to prove himself, about being ‘treated properly’ as a man, meant that the easiest
way to deal with these uncertainties inside his head was for him to push the bad feelings onto
someone else, which he did by turning them onto Sheila and trying to control her as much as he
could.
When Sheila did not do as Adam thought she should, he would constantly try and ‘correct’ her.
When she understandably objected to this, Adam then thought up all sorts of ways to control her:
through criticism, through trying to undermine her as a mother and wife. As tension mounted and
Sheila resisted, Adam used the ultimate weapon – violence! Once he had been violent things
were never quite the same again. Adam found that he did seem to have ‘control’ over the home
and of Sheila, but it also meant that everyone stepped around him on tiptoes! No-one knew what
he would do or say next! (How must that have felt for everyone else at home?)
Guilty and remorseful
Adam tried to explain away his abusive behaviour as he was now faced with more uncomfortable
feelings, namely guilt and remorse. This was so unpleasant that Adam found that the only way to
cope with these feelings was to deny that he had been responsible for his actions, by telling
Sheila she ‘made him angry’, angry for not knowing that she shouldn’t have done or said all the
things on his mental list of do’s and don’ts. These techniques of denial, minimisation and blame,
as we have shown throughout this book, are what we all use when we want to pin the
responsibility for something we’ve done onto someone else. They are self-defeating, however,
because as long as we do this we never take on responsibility for our own behaviour and can
never change!
So Adam functioned in the outside world quite well, by assuming the mask of being an easy-
going, likeable guy. He could deal with all sorts of people without any so-called ‘anger problem’
taking over. Instead, all his doubts about himself he saved for his relationship back home. Here
his need constantly to ‘prove himself as a man’ meant that he had always to undermine someone
else. That and his strong expectations about how women should behave meant that when Sheila
left him the world he had tried so hard to control collapsed around his ears!
Dave Morran
90
See:
Worksheet 8: Understanding moods and feelings (p 92)
91
nnn WORKSHEET 8
Understanding moods and feelings
Complete this moods and feelings worksheet over the next seven days. The point of this is to help
you recognise more clearly the feelings that you experience which normally you don’t notice. Try
and focus on feelings like anger, sadness, feeling optimistic, feeling relaxed and at ease. If you
find yourself ‘in a mood’, what was going on for you at the time? How did you behave when you
were in this mood? How did you show others that you were ‘in a mood?’ If you drink alcohol or
take drugs, what impact did that have on your feelings? (The reason that people take them is
because they will do just that!)
Use the exercise to learn how your feelings affect your behaviour either towards your partner/ex-
partner or in your dealings with people in general.
If you felt angry, ask yourself – who with and why?
Anger
Describe a situation in ten words.
Who were you angry with?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
When did this happen?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Why were you angry?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
If you look underneath the anger, what other feelings were there?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What did you do or say to:
(a) let your feelings be known to others?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
92
(b) calm yourself down

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Why did you go for (a) or (b)?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Hard question: What do you think gives you the right to be angry in this situation?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Where do these ideas come from?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
If you felt SAD, ask yourself, why, how long did this last? What did you do to change this mood?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
If you felt HAPPY, What was that about?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
If you felt ANXIOUS, what was that about?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
If you felt OPTIMISTIC, what was that about? What did you see about the present or future that
helped bring about this feeling?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
If you felt RELAXED AND AT EASE. What was this about?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
You will probably have found that each day you feel many more emotions than you knew about!
These impact on your behaviour.
Go back over each of these. How often did you take alcohol or drugs in each situation?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Did you do this to change your mood or feelings?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
What effect did alcohol or drugs have on your feelings?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
93
See:
When you need to take time out (p 103)
Worksheet 4: Questions about alcohol, drugs and abuse (p 49)
Worksheet 5: Alcohol dependency indicators (p 51)
94
nnn WORKSHEET 9
Being in a mood
Sometimes we think that we ‘just go into a mood’. Feelings affect us so strongly that we can
seem powerless over them. Sometimes we use moods quite abusively. It gets other people to be
worried about us or worried about what we might do. Often we can and will use them abusively
because of this effect. So if that’s the case, then we can see that we can choose to stay in, or
move out of, a mood. Again, the issue of abuse is one about choice. Unless we are ill or clinically
depressed, we usually have control over our moods.
When you ‘go into a bad mood’ what is usually going on for you?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
How do you behave?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
How do you let others know that you are in a bad mood?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
How long do these moods last?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
What does it take for you to come out of a bad mood?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
When did you last go into a bad mood?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
When and why did you come out of the mood?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
95
Recognising self-talk
and its effects on us
You will have already seen from the sections on Men and violence (p 15) and Violence and anger:
the health consequences for you (p 52), that as men we tend to be poor at recognising and then
dealing with our feelings. The fact that we cannot recognise them therefore often makes us
Uncovering feelings
Here we will look at some of the ways that we can uncover feelings. If you start to pay attention
you will find feelings there all the time in the background. Quite quickly you will be able to bring
them from the background into the here-and-now and see what they are doing to you and how
they might affect you in the ways in which you relate to others people.
You will find them in your thoughts, in the words you say to yourself inside your head or under
your breath. You can also find them in the things you feel in your body, in your movements and in
the small rituals that go on that we don’t notice but other people do.
Another safety tool that you can use, so that you are safe to be around others (and safe to
yourself) is to understand your self-talk and how this affects your thoughts and behaviour.
Self-talk
Self-talk is the ‘script’ that sometimes seems to run through your head often without you noticing
it. Very often this self-talk is negative. Left unnoticed it can play a major part in both how you put
yourself and others down and how at the same time you wind yourself up.
Self-talk is often going on when we feel sorry for ourselves or hard done by. It’s usually there when
we are jealous or resentful of others. It’s going on when we are brooding on things that our
partners might be doing or things they’ve said to us. And it’s definitely there when we blame
others when things go wrong or when we don’t want to take responsibility for our own actions.
Duane and negative self-talk
Duane came along one night to a group for men who had been using violence and abuse in their
relationships. He seemed expressionless at first and when asked why he was there he replied that
his girlfriend had told him that she would leave him if he didn’t do something about his moody,
96
RECOGNISING SELF-TALK AND ITS EFFECTS ON US
angry behaviour. Duane worked on a building site as a labourer, something which paid well but
involved long hours. When he arrived home he often seemed to be in a bad mood. Often if
Fariah, his partner, said something the wrong way, Duane would simply flare up and start
shouting.
Duane said he didn’t mean to do this, but he felt like a spring inside him had been wound up all
day and suddenly it just uncoiled! He knew that this was scaring his two daughters but he also
felt that everyone should know that this is how he was after a hard day’s work and if they would
just leave him alone everything would be okay. He didn’t feel that he was doing anything really
bad and didn’t know what else he could do other than stay at work all day. “Maybe this is what
they want anyway”, he joked.
It was pretty clear to others if not to Duane himself that he either didn’t or couldn’t recognise what
was going on inside of him, which seemed to be connected both with the unhappiness he felt
and the unhappiness he caused for others.
Rewinding the tape: negative self-talk
The group leader asked Duane to think about a time when he had come back home in ‘a bad
mood’, and to see what it looked like if he could rewind the tape on the day.
He got Duane to identify what he was thinking and what types of ‘script’ or self-talk was running
through his head at various points during the day. This is what he came up with.
Getting up and going to work: Duane goes out the door. The burglar chain on the door needs
fixing. Duane thinks (self-talk): “Another thing I’m expected to do round here, the list is endless.”
Arriving at work: Duane is back on kerbing again. There’s a new guy on the digger, which Duane
can do easily.
Self-talk: “This is me getting treated like shit again.” “He shouldn’t be doing this!” “This is always
happening to me!”
Lunch break: Duane tries ringing Fariah on her mobile. When she replies after it seems to have
been ringing for ages, she asks him why he slammed the door when going out that morning. He
says that he didn’t. She says she has to go and then he loses the signal.
Self-talk: “She’s having a go at me over that fucking door”. “She probably wants her stepdad to
fix it – he’s Mister Good at Everything!” …. “She probably thinks I can’t do it!” “She keeps on
nagging me!” Then… “Why was she on the phone so long?” “What’s so important that she
spends time gossiping all day?”
97
Late afternoon: The foreman tells Duane that there’s not enough work left for him here but that
work needs to be done on a new site on the far side of town. Finish up here tomorrow and start
on the new site Monday.
Self-talk: “Why me?”. “Why do I have to get up half an hour earlier?”. “No overtime on this new
site. That’s not gonna help with the bills I have to pay!”.
Bus home: Duane can’t think of any self-talk. Just of feeling ‘wound up and angry’.
Back home: Walks through door. Notices the burglar chain still needs to be fixed. Shouts “hello”.
No answer. No-one in the house.
Self-talk: “That’s nice. I’ve been out grafting since six this morning. No one here even to say hello
when I get home! What’s she doing that’s so fucking important? Where is she anyway?”
He tries to ring Fariah on her mobile but it rings out.
Self-talk: “Where is she?”. “How come when I ring her she’s either on the phone to one of her
useless mates or else she doesn’t answer?”. “What does she think I am?”. “She doesn’t show me
any respect!”.
When Fariah arrived home about fifteen minutes later, Duane was ‘in a right foul mood’. As soon
as she came though the door he started shouting at her. “Where the fuck have you been? Why do
you never answer your phone?”.
She walked though to the kitchen and put the shopping onto the work surface. She pointed to the
phone sitting beside the battery charger. “I didn’t have it with me”, she said, “Didn’t you see my
note saying I’d gone to the supermarket?”. She looks pissed off at him and from the corner of his
eye Duane can see his youngest daughter, ‘the apple of my eye’ he calls her, watching him warily
from the hall.
Self-talk: “Shit! I’ve gone and done it again!”
After doing this exercise Duane began to recognise that this kind of self-talk was going on in his
head a lot of the time. To his surprise, Duane, who was a proud and capable man, recognised a
number of things about himself, about his beliefs about how he should behave and how other
people should behave:
l Duane felt sorry for himself a lot of the time.

l He felt that he got picked on by others.
l He felt that he wasn’t recognised or respected by others.
l He found out that when things didn’t go right he always had to find someone (else)
98
to blame.
l He found it difficult to accept that usually no-one is to blame. Sometimes things just
happen!
l He found out that he had pretty set ideas about how he expected women (Fariah) to
behave – ideas that he would have said were out of date!
l He felt that Fariah should be there to sort things out and make everything all right for
him!
l He often felt jealous especially when Fariah wasn’t immediately there for him.
l He even felt jealous of Fariah’s stepdad who was ‘actually a great guy’.
l He used the words ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ a lot of the time. The foreman shouldn’t
expect him to shift at short notice. Fariah should answer her phone when I ring her!
So checking out your self-talk is a safety tool that you can use to catch yourself when you are
putting yourself down, winding yourself up or getting bitter and resentful about life or about
another person – especially your partner. You will find that you do it a lot more than you think.
Once you actually notice yourself doing it, there are three things that you can quickly do to get out
of the negative self-talk trap.
l Ask yourself: is this a fact or an opinion? (Chances are it’s always an opinion.) That
doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have an opinion about things, just that they can
often be wrong and aren’t based on any ‘evidence’.
l Beware the ‘should’ word. It leads to rigid ideas and expectations and just gets us
wound up!
l Replace the negative self-talk with positive self-talk.
Now spend a few minutes looking at how Duane might have used positive self-talk to help him
look more calmly at his day, how he thought about others, and about himself. Admittedly, Duane
wasn’t actually having the greatest day of his life, but that’s when it’s so important to recognise
what negative self-talk does to us and how we use it to turn it against ourselves and others.
***
Rewinding the tape: positive self-talk
Getting up and going to work: Duane goes out the door. The burglar chain on the door needs
fixing. Duane thinks:
Positive self-talk: ____________________________________________________________________
Arriving at work: Duane is back on kerbing again. There’s a new guy on the digger.
99
Lunch break: Duane tries ringing Fariah on her mobile. When she replies after it seems to have
been ringing for ages, she asks him why he slammed the door when going out that morning.
Late afternoon: The foreman tells Duane that there’s not enough work left for him here but that
work needs to be done on a new site on the far side of town. Finish up here tomorrow and start
on the new site Monday.
Comes home: Walks through door. Notices the burglar chain still needs to be fixed. Shouts
“hello”. No answer. No-one in the house.
He tries to ring Fariah on her mobile but it rings out.
Finally, complete Worksheet 10: Negative and positive self-talk (p 101).
Dave Morran
100
nnn WORKSHEET 10
Negative and positive self-talk

Think of a situation recently where you found yourself in a situation where you started to put
yourself down, or got angry, bitter or jealous about someone else.
Do this using a situation with your partner first of all. Then do it in relation to someone else that
you deal with in your life – a neighbour, boss, someone in your circle of friends. You’ll probably
find that you use negative self-talk much more than you think!
Negative self-talk: Situation with ________________________________ (partner’s name)
Describe the situation in two sentences:

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Negative self-talk that I used and made me angry or bitter:

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Negative self-talk that I used and made me jealous:

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Negative self-talk that I used to put myself down/make me feel small:

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Negative self-talk that I used to make the situation feel hopeless:

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Where did I use the word ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’? Where does this come from?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What were my opinions? What were the facts? (If there were facts!)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What positive self-talk could I use in future situations? (Three examples)
(1) Positive___________________________________________
(2) Positive___________________________________________
(3) Positive___________________________________________
101
Negative self-talk: Situation with ________________________________ (other than partner)
Describe the situation in two sentences:

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Negative self-talk that I used and made me angry or bitter:

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Negative self-talk that I used and made me jealous:

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Negative self-talk that I used to put myself down/make me feel small:

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Negative self-talk that I used to make the situation feel hopeless:

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Where did I use the word ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’? Where does this come from?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What were my opinions? What were the facts? (If there were facts!)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What positive self-talk could I use in future situations? (Three examples)
(1) Positive___________________________________________
(2) Positive___________________________________________
(3) Positive___________________________________________
Good work! You might find it helpful to do this exercise regularly until it becomes part of your
routine. There are also other safety tool worksheets that you can complete elsewhere in this book.
See:
Worksheet 8: Understanding moods and feelings (p 92)
Maybe it’s really over! (p 82)
102
When you need to take time out
You will have already seen from the sections Men and violence (p 15) and Violence and anger: the
health consequences for you (p 52) that as men we tend to be poor at recognising and then
dealing with our feelings. The fact that we cannot recognise them, therefore, often makes us
Safety tools
Here we are going to suggest a number of techniques or safety tools that you can use so that you
can recognise your feelings more readily, begin to understand where they come from, and once
you know they are there, how you can deal with them responsibly – and safely.
Before we look at the use of time out, let us recall Duane. You will remember from the section
Recognising self-talk and its effects on us (p 96) that he comes home in a foul mood. In fact this
was common. If his partner Fariah said something the wrong way, or even if she didn’t, Duane
would flare up and begin shouting. Although he knew that he was scaring Fariah and his
daughters, he also felt that everyone should understand that this is how he was after a hard day’s
work and if they would just leave him alone everything would be okay. He didn’t feel that he was
doing anything really bad and didn’t know what else he could do other than stay at work all day.
It was clear to others if not to Duane that he didn’t or couldn’t recognise what was going on inside
of him, which seemed connected both with the unhappiness he felt and the unhappiness he
caused for others. When we rewound Duane’s tape we saw that there were various events that
day that ‘got him worked up.’ The kind of self-talk that he used just made things worse.
Once Duane began using the safety tool – Worksheet 8: Understanding Moods and Feelings
(p 92) – and started to recognise his self-talk he was able (when he chose!) to avoid coming
home and taking out his bad day on those around him. He actually did this without too much
difficulty. He began to deliberately take a few minutes for himself before he came though his door.
(Other men in the group had also chosen to take the responsibility to learn small rituals or habits
to ensure that they made a break between the world outside and the world inside home and
family. Sometimes this was a bath or shower taken after a hard day, for others taking the dog for a
walk seemed to provide them with the space they needed in order to ensure that they didn’t bring
their bad mood or bad day into the family.)
At other times, however, Duane would actually be home or with Fariah when he would begin to
realise that he was ‘about to lose it’ or say or do something that he would immediately regret.
103
He saw that there were certain situations from which he would have to step back before he kicked
off! These situations were around a lot for Duane. As you might remember, he had begun to
recognise a number of things about himself, about his beliefs about how he should behave and
how other people should behave.
l He felt sorry for himself a lot of the time.

l He felt that he got picked on by others.
l He felt that he wasn’t valued or respected by others.
l He found out that when things didn’t go right he always had to find someone (else)
to blame.
l He found it difficult to accept that usually no-one is to blame. Sometimes things just
happen!
l He found out that he had set ideas about how he expected women (Fariah) to
behave – ideas that he would have said were out of date!
l He felt that Fariah should be there to sort things out and make everything all right for
him!
l He often felt jealous especially when Fariah wasn’t immediately there for him.
l He even felt jealous of Fariah’s step-dad who was ‘actually a great guy’.
l He used the words ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ a lot of the time. The foreman shouldn’t
expect him to shift at short notice. Fariah should answer her phone when I ring her!
Consequently, there were lots of situations in everyday life where Duane could feel that he was
close to saying something abusive, or losing his temper, or trying to frighten Fariah. He needed to
learn to be able to take himself out of these situations until he got everything back in perspective.
The leader of the men’s programme Duane was attending introduced him to the safety tool of
taking time-out.
Time-outs
Time-outs should usually last up to an hour or so. You take yourself away from a situation that is
either likely to escalate or which you are likely to escalate. It should ideally mean leaving the
house, so that you are not in the immediate vicinity of people who are anxious or scared about
what you could do or say. You need to spend time thinking about having a time-out plan. You
should also have a back-up plan. No use planning to walk the dog if you don’t have one!
Don’t use time-outs abusively!
An important point about time-outs is that they can be misused as another form of abuse. You
could decide simply to take off out the house as a punishment, or because you’re used to
ducking out of responsibilities or storming off and slamming doors. Time-outs are also abusive
when you tell the other person that they’re winding you up so much you need to take off. That’s
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WHEN YOU NEED TO TAKE TIME OUT
not taking responsibility for yourself, that’s blame. And everybody will know it. So make sure that
your choice of time-out is one that is responsible and is respectful of others.
Before you think what your time-out plan might look like, here are some do’s and don’ts!
DO If you are living with your partner and you recognise that there are times when you
need to remove yourself, if you are beginning to get heated up or about to ‘lose it’,
then you need to find (and agree) a phrase or sign that you are about to do so.
This might seem strange at first but it will pay dividends. Saying something like
“You’re winding me up you bitch so I’m getting out of here!” is simply another way
of being abusive. Saying something like, “I can see I’m getting myself worked up
about this; I’m going to take half an hour and get my head sorted”, means that
you are taking the responsibility both for winding yourself up but also for getting
yourself back on an even keel.
DON’T Use this as an opportunity to wind yourself up even more. This is not about
planning to go back and get even, or restart an argument. You will hear negative
self-talk doing its best at times like this, working away in the back of your head
doing what it does best! You will need to have a positive script ready to overcome
it and to put things in perspective.
DO Think about (and agree with your partner in advance where possible), how long
your time-out will be. If you have agreed or indicated that you will be away for half
an hour, keep to that. Many men’s programmes who use this tool suggest that a
time-out should last a minimum of an hour.
DON’T Use a mobile phone to text back messages (unless they are positive). Perhaps
best not to take one at all.
DON’T Drink alcohol or take any substance that has the ability to make you more
dangerous.
DON’T Drive a car if you have one. There are too many angry people on the roads as it is!
Do time-outs work?
Time-outs work for some people and not for others. They can work if you have problems with
anger or your moods but a lot of abusive behaviour is about control, or isolating people, or being
sexually or mentally abusive. So they clearly have no effect on many of the types of behaviour that
are pictured in The Power and Control Wheel diagram in this book (p 29).
105
They don’t work if they are simply used as another way of getting out of things or ducking
responsibility. Many partners are suspicious of them for this reason. “It’s okay for him, I’m stuck
here with the kids!”
They also seem quite artificial, which is one reason why some people don’t give them a chance.
Where men do need to learn to take responsibility for their moods and anger, however, they can
work. Research into men’s programmes suggests that many men quote them as being something
that they have found useful and many women partners have agreed, again, only when men have
used them responsibly.
They need to be planned properly. Some men learn a variety of time-outs that they use. These
can range from full-on hour-long walks to mini-time-outs whereby a man realises early that he is
getting worked up about something that is trivial and has a ritual ready when he sees this
happening. Some men ‘go into the garden shed and just potter’, others jog, or cook or, like this
man, Charlie: “I go into the bathroom, turn on the hot tap and wash my hands and face in soapy
water. It’s something I’ve always enjoyed since I was small and it just seems to make me feel
better.”
In some of the men’s stories that follow, you can see examples of time-outs working – and what
the consequences were for one of the contributors to this book when he didn’t pay attention to his
self-talk, didn’t take a time out and regretted it afterwards.
Dave Morran
See:
Worksheet 10: Negative and positive self-talk (p 101)
Stories of growth, responsibility and change (p 121)
How I took a time-out but didn’t pay attention to my self-talk (p 107)
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How I took a time-out but didn’t
pay attention to my self-talk
One Saturday night quite recently my partner and I went round for a meal at our friends’ house.
(Let’s call this couple Brian and Amy who, like us, are in their forties.) Normally we’d arrive about
7.30pm but recently Brian had been quite ill. At his suggestion we had got into the habit of going
around earlier so that we could have a couple of drinks and something to eat, then as he usually
got tired early we’d set off home not too late. As he got over the illness, however, Brian had gone
back to his pattern of having a couple of drinks in the pub near his home before we arrived. As I
don’t go into pubs much these days, normally we’d go straight to their house.
A few times recently when we’ve gone over he’d be ten, fifteen or twenty minutes late in coming in
but although I noticed this, it didn’t matter too much; we’ve been friends a long time, he was
always good company when he arrived, never came in drunk or anything and we’d always had a
pleasant time.
This last time, however, Brian’s partner Amy told us as soon as we arrived that Brian (who had
been a punk when he was younger), had gone with a couple of his old punk mates to see a band
in a bar in the city near where we live. Also he’d just sent a text to say that he’d missed the train
and it would be ‘about half an hour’ before he’d get back.
Amy was a little put out, but she is quite indulgent of Brian (and glad that he’d got over his illness)
so she said that she’d get on with making dinner anyway and she and my partner sat and poured
themselves a glass of wine.
Meantime I could feel myself, with some justification I felt, becoming quite annoyed at Brian. The
self-talk started. Here’s how it went:
l Brian’s a bit out of order.

l He’s probably having a few drinks with his punk mates and they’ll be chortling that
he’s late.
l I’m being made a bit of a mug of here!
l It was a different story a few weeks back when I picked him up from the airport at
5am when he came back from holiday.
l Where were his punk pals then?
Now, as it happens I still think and feel some of these things a little but at the time I could feel
myself getting really quite annoyed. There was another thing going on too.
This was about Brian and me as men.
107
Was I supposed to just sit there with the women while he was out with other men having a good
time? What did he think of me as a man? Was I some kind of tame man while the guys he was in
the pub with were … well more of men really?
So I didn’t blow up or anything, but when another text (not a phone call) arrived to say that he’d
now be an hour late, I looked at my partner and said, “This is a bit off, I feel a bit of a clown sitting
around waiting here!” and when Amy came back into the living room from the kitchen I pointedly
said, “Amy, have you actually started cooking yet?” My partner shot me a look. I carried on, “Well
if Brian’s gonna be an hour late there’s maybe not much point!” “No, no, don’t worry he won’t be
long. Don’t go!”, said Amy. “We’ve just got here, I’m not going anywhere”, said my partner,
looking at me in a way that meant, “Calm down! Relax!” (And probably – don’t be such a pain!).
So I went to another room, watched some telly, flicked through a newspaper. The key turned in
the lock around the time we now expected Brian and he came in, not drunk, but cheery and
bright, and breezily he apologised or rather said, “I just missed the bloody train by five minutes!”
He knew he was in the dog house, but he turned on his best charm and we started talking and
sat down and ate, although I made a little dig later when he asked what we’d been talking about,
something like – “We’ve talked about everything, we’ve had plenty of time before you got in” and
everybody sort of laughed and he laughed and said, “Don’t give me a hard time”. And anyway we
had a pleasant evening as usual.
***
Next morning back home my partner said to me: “I thought you were a bit rude last night!”
Me: “Me, how was I rude? If anybody was rude it was Brian. I thought he was out of order. Three
weeks ago I was up at 4am to fetch him and Amy from the airport. He knew we were going round
this Saturday. If he’d wanted to go to the pub in the afternoon, fine, but why not just phone and
we could rearrange. How was I rude?”
Partner: “You were rude to Amy. It wasn’t her fault Brian was late, you could see she had brought
stuff in for the dinner. You didn’t need to say [she impersonates my voice] ‘Amy, have you actually
started cooking yet?”
Me: “Well, who knows when Brian would have got back?”
Partner: “He came in when he said he would – he always does!”
Me: “Yeah, and he’s always late! Why are you taking his side?”
Partner: “I’m not!”
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HOW I TOOK A TIME-OUT BUT DIDN’T PAY ATTENTION TO MY SELF-TALK
Me: “I feel that I’m the one that’s being got at here!”
And I did feel that, and I could see that I was getting wound up about something I felt quite
justified about being angry about, and fortunately I knew what I needed to do. I looked out the
window. “The rain’s off” I said, “I think I’ll take myself out and have a walk.” We live near a range
of hills and hill-walking is something I do occasionally. “Yeah okay,” said my partner, “I’ll see you
later”.
So I got into my car and I drove the half hour that takes me into the hills, and as I drove I felt the
victim in all this, nobody taking my side, my partner having a go at me. “Well at least I turn up
when I say or do,” I was thinking and so on. And I should have got out of the car and walked in
the fresh air because I knew it was good for me, it always is. But instead I sat in my car and drove
round the country roads and I brooded and felt miserable. When I came back home, I was civil
rather than pleasant and I went into a small sheltered area in our backyard where I sat and read
the Sunday newspaper.
***
So I had let my negative self-talk on Saturday night take over! Also while I had taken a time-out
the next day I had used it to brood, which I was still doing on Monday by which time I realised
that this issue of who was right and who was wrong and who was justified was taking up all my
time and energy, and I finally had to pick up the phone and call a friend, another man, someone
I’ve known since we were teenagers, who didn’t laugh at me. But who did say to me at one point,
“Well you can’t make other people live by your rules! Maybe Brian was a bit out of order but look
who you’re being hard on here. It’s you that’s giving yourself grief here not other people! And
you’ve been giving yourself a hard time now for two days, it’s like some emotional hangover!” And
that’s what it felt like. And he was right. And it was over! And it wasn’t really that important. My
partner was at work, so was Brian, and so was Amy who’s a schoolteacher, and who probably
wanted to use the time with my partner on a Saturday night to offload some of the stress she has
to cope with at work.
So I thanked my friend for listening and went downstairs, put on the kettle, made a cup of tea,
drank it, enjoying it, and let it go! And then I got my head back into the present and got on with
my life!
‘Kenny’
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My body says I’m 35
– but my heart says I’m 12
“I try to get my partner to do things like deal with the school
or deal with anyone in officialdom.”
“I feel afraid in lots of situations.”
“I can’t cope with criticism.”
“I’ll do anything to avoid being laughed at.”
Do any of these phrases sound familiar? When thinking about your behaviour towards your
partner you may be starting to admit to behaving in ways that reveal feelings and insecurities that
belong to a much younger emotional age.
For whatever reason, adults in your past may not have helped you to grow up emotionally as you
grew up physically. These adults, even if they are still alive today, no longer have that
responsibility. Similarly, it is normal in an intimate relationship to hope that your partner will
support you in situations you find difficult, but it is not her responsibility either.
Strengthening yourself emotionally is no different to increasing your physical fitness. It’s entirely
up to you how well you do it and no one else can do it for you. The more you do the more you
gain and the more flexible you are to deal with what life throws up. As part of your goal to end
your violence towards your partner, what follows is a method of taking responsibility for your
insecurities and to emotionally exercise and strengthen yourself as an adult man.
The adult inside me
Step 1: It’s my responsibility
Stop avoiding the problem by trying to get others to do the things you find difficult.
Step 2: Build from what you can do
Think of a time when you can clearly remember genuinely feeling and acting as a responsible
adult. It’s important that this example was of a time when you truly and effortlessly felt like a
confident adult, not a time when you were wearing an adult ‘mask’.
Try to remember all the details of this incident, particularly how you felt and some of your thoughts
at the time. Make some notes about it so that at any point you could swiftly take yourself back to
assuming that role.
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MY BODY SAYS I’M 35 – BUT MY HEART SAYS I’M 12
Me as an adult checklist:
lI felt .....................................................................................................................................................
(e.g. confident, sure of myself, relaxed)
l My attitude was .................................................................................................................................

(e.g. sharp, informed, in control, responsible)
l My body was .....................................................................................................................................

(e.g. upright, able to keep good eye contact, no tension)
l I was able to ......................................................................................................................................

(e.g. accept I hadn’t got the contract without feeling destroyed)
Step 3: Look it – live it
Adopt the posture that goes with that memory of being an adult. If it helps, do it in the mirror to
see how you look. Lock this experience into your memory so that it is accessible to you any time
you need it.
Keep returning to the memory of that time to assure yourself that you have the skills to build from.
You can use this example and draw on other examples that you can also remember. The point is
to be able to assume this role instantly when you need to.
Step 4: How can I use this tool?
Begin to consider the situations where it would be helpful to be able to conduct yourself as a
confident adult. This might be easier to do if you think of situations you repeatedly fail to deal with
confidently or responsibly. Remember particularly the times when you were abusive towards your
partner because she wouldn’t bail you out by doing these things for you.
Step 5: Rehearse it
“I’ve been worrying about tightness in my chest. I really should see someone about it
but I’m no good with phoning and I’ve not been to a GP for ten years.”
Assume the ADULT posture. Imagine him making the telephone call to the surgery and talking
confidently to the receptionist. See him explaining his symptoms to the GP, being straightforward,
not avoiding describing the anxiety he has been experiencing. Rehearse it.
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The parent inside me
“My wife says that being with me is like having an extra child.”
“She knows how bad my childhood was so why does she do things that make me feel
insecure?”
“If my wife left me, I feel that I wouldn’t be able to survive.”
If these phrases have an echo for you, it may be that what you experienced in childhood has left
you with few resources to feel safe and secure. (If you think this is the case you may want to
discuss it with a specialist or counsellor but you should always remember that none of this takes
away from your responsibility for stopping your abusive behaviour.) One possible way of dealing
with this is to make use of the ‘parent’ inside you. Instead of tapping into your experience of being
an adult, this time make use of your understanding of being a parent. It doesn’t matter if you
aren’t really a parent. We’ve all been in positions where we’ve had to understand children and
take responsibility for them. What you can develop is the parent inside you; one you can have on
tap to help with these young dependent, irresponsible, confused feelings. It is not easy to do this
alone but some of the same principles and steps as described above can be applied.
“She’s going out with her friends on Friday and I’m starting to get anxious about it already.
It’s the same every time. I get myself into such a state, worrying about her telling her
friends how I behave towards her and how they’ll tell her to enjoy herself and encourage
her to meet someone else. All I can think of is that she’ll leave me and I feel desperate.
Either she goes out and when she returns, I end up rowing with her and sometimes
hitting her or she decides not to go out and for weeks she’s furious with resentment
towards me.”
Turn to the parent inside you for support. How would he deal with a young person with these
insecure feelings?
Think about it. If these feelings were being experienced by a young person, how could the parent
inside you support them? Don’t be embarrassed. Be as soft and caring as you want. Remember
this is just between you and them.
Repeat steps 1-5 as above replacing ‘adult’ with ‘loving responsible parent’.
WARNING:
Before supporting these young feelings, first make sure you let yourself feel
love for the young person experiencing them.
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In case you need reminding of the principles of parenthood, these are:
l Children need to feel safe and secure.

l Parents’ needs are secondary – children first.
l Children want parents’ time and attention.
l Children don’t feel safe with drunk or drugged parents.
l Listen and encourage.
The following is a description by Steven of how he used these techniques to address his abusive
behaviour towards him partner.
Steven’s story
I am the middle child of three boys from a childhood where, as a result of my mother
and father’s violence and mental torture, my overriding memory was one of fear and
anger. Every part of my life seemed to be dominated by this and my desperation to do
anything to avoid their violence and the fear. This meant I became very skilled in reading
him. I had to second guess any possible trigger in order to keep myself safe, to the
stage that if my younger brother did anything that I recognised as a reason for mummy
or/and daddy to start, I would end up acting as them, shouting at my young brother and
at times hitting him, to make him stop doing what he was doing or get him to realise that
what he had just done would get us beaten up/shouted at/kept in or all three. I felt I had
to be in control at all times and tried to convince myself I had no feelings.
When I married I quickly realised that I was acting exactly the same towards my wife as I
had seen my father acting towards my mother (and did not like it one bit!). Any
disagreements between us would end up in shouting matches with one of us storming
off in a huff. Then we would not talk to each other for days on end. This in turn made
me, and I imagine my partner, feel the same – emotionally raw, on edge. We were both
problem drinkers and the stress of arguments would lead to drinking sprees and in an
attempt to feel relaxed in some way but, of course, the alcohol would allow the topic of
the disagreement to resurface. While under the influence of alcohol I had absolutely no
respect for any human-being, myself included, everyone seemed to be a threat and
everywhere I looked I could see danger. It was while I was on these drinking binges that
I assaulted my partner, with each assault being more severe than the one before.
With my own children I had become like my own parents. Well almost. I never did lift a
hand to them. I terrorised them instead by always screaming at them to do this and do
that or shouting at my partner for the way the children were behaving and could not
113
figure out why I acted like this! I now put this down to the fact that I was seeing what the
children were doing – and they were only being children – as a threat, a cause of danger
to me! I would shout and swear at my children and threaten to belt their arse, keep them
in or send them to their beds early if the toothpaste was squeezed in the middle of the
tube. The little ones would stand there with a look of fear and confusion in their eyes,
unable to comprehend what it is that they are supposed to have done! On occasion I
would be right in their innocent little faces screaming, “Don’t f*****g look at me like
that” as if they were trying to con me in some way and the look of fear, confusion and
submission in their eyes was not real. I was acting towards my own children in the same
way that I had acted towards my young brother all those years before, without realising
that there was no threat to me anymore! Basically I was reacting to a fear that belonged
to the frightened, lonely and lost little boy that I once was.
Eventually because of my own violence I ended up in prison. When the door finally
slammed, closed in my cell I had my first experience of feeling safe. Not a great
incentive to stop being violent if every time you end up in the safest place conceivable. A
series of two-year sentences was not going to be enough for me and I was beginning to
entertain the thought that only a life sentence would keep me feeling safe. However, my
last sentence was a Supervised Release Order, which meant that the last part of my
sentence was at liberty, but in a men’s programme where I had to start taking
responsibility for what I had done, particularly my violence towards my wife. When my
worker explained all this inner-child work, she connected with a part of me that I did not
know existed, for I started to experience a feeling that was very strange to me at that
time! It was a feeling of confidence, a ‘yes, at last this is it!’. For someone, some part of
me deep, very deep inside of me was letting me know that if I really wanted to change to
understand then this woman (my worker) sitting in front of me has the key, so pay
attention!
On the way home from that first meeting I was filled with excitement, excitement that I
had not felt before! This was quickly replaced with the usual feelings of fear and doubt.
What if this does not work for me? What if, what if, what if…
Well it does work! It did work! It is working!
My first experience of the ‘listening’ was weird. In my head I could just see this little boy
who said nothing but just looked at me. I kept at it and eventually it was like we were
having real conversations where I was listening to what he had to say to me. I
remembered what I had been taught and made sure I always listened as an adult and
found myself saying to him that he wasn’t ever to worry about anything again as I was
114
now responsible for him. I began seeing him as a great little kid and one day when my
worker asked me how I felt about him I surprised myself by saying that I loved him.
That was three years ago and I don’t do the weekly ‘tuning in’ any more but one way or
another every day I’m looking after these young feelings of mine.
The other day I caught myself building into a rage when I discovered that my
stepdaughter had steamed up the bathroom, causing condensation to run down the
walls. In the past, had my brothers or I done something similar, I would have been in a
panic to rectify things in order to keep us all safe and would have been angry with my
brother for making me feel this scared. Now I am able to stop and say to myself: She is
a child, I am the adult in charge who is caring and this is our home.
Moira Andrew
(with thanks to Steven
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Men’s programmes:
what are they about?
Domestic violence perpetrator programmes
Domestic violence perpetrator programmes are courses designed to help men to change their
abusive behaviour and develop respectful, non-abusive relationships. As most domestic violence
perpetrators are male, most perpetrator programmes work with men.
They generally consist of small groups of eight to twelve men who have been violent or abusive in
a current or previous relationship. They generally include a wide range of men from different
social and cultural backgrounds.
What do perpetrator programmes involve?
The groups are usually run by two or three experienced group workers – at least one man and
one woman. There are many different programmes across the UK and Ireland and the content will
vary, but on the whole they will cover the following issues:
l What is violence and abuse?

l Understanding why I am violent.
l Learning that I am in control of my own behaviour and can choose not to be violent.
l Taking responsibility for my behaviour, without blaming others or minimising it.
l Understanding the impact of violence and abuse on my partner and children.
l Learning how to notice when I am becoming abusive and how to stop.
l Learning different, non-abusive ways of dealing with difficulties in my relationship.
l Dealing non-abusively with my partner’s anger.
l Recognising how I get wound up and learning how to wind myself down.
l Negotiation and listening – how to build a respectful relationship.
l Some groups are discussion based, but most use a variety of interactive exercises
to make the learning realistic, stimulating and relevant to men’s own situations.
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MEN’S PROGRAMMES: WHAT ARE THEY ABOUT?
How long do they last for?
Programmes will differ in length and content, but Respect, which has set guidelines for most
programmes in the UK (and which are also endorsed by MOVE in Ireland), state that programmes
should be at least 75 hours. This will usually mean that each client attends at least 24 weekly
sessions of two to three hours. There is no short cut to the long-term process of changing
behaviour especially where someone has used violence and abuse for a long time.
How can you join?
Some programmes accept men who self-refer, some take men who are mandated to attend by
the courts as part of a probation order, or as a recommendation from family courts.
Respect will be able to tell you about programmes in your local area which take self-referrals.
Ring the Respect Phoneline – 0845 122 8609 – to find out more.
When you refer yourself, you’ll normally be invited in for an assessment interview with one of the
workers, to enable both you and them to check that the programme is suitable. Once you are
accepted onto a programme you will usually join a group at the next intake session, although
sometimes there may be a waiting list if there is high demand.
Will this really help me stop being violent and abusive?
Programmes are there to help you understand your behaviour and its effects on partners and
children and on you! They offer no guarantees to anyone, however. Some men remain as before;
other men learn to live non-violent, non-abusive, meaningful lives. As we have said repeatedly
throughout this book, however, the real answer as to why or whether you will change your
behaviour ultimately lies with you!
Note: Adapted with thanks from Perpetrator Programmes FAQs, www.respect.net.uk
117
Why should I do all the work?
There usually comes a point in our lives when we resent having to make the personal changes
that we promised to ourselves or others. We think that we’ve done enough, or that what we’ve
done isn’t recognised and we ask ourselves ‘why bother?’
Bargaining
Changing our outlook on life, on our good and not-so-good habits is difficult. When it comes to
relationships it becomes even more complicated. Usually we expect something back. We bargain:
‘If you do this then I’ll do that.” Or, “I’ll only agree to look after the kids if you let me back home.”
Bargaining isn’t about changing or taking responsibility though. It’s simply another tactic, another
tool, to try and get your way, to gain or regain control.
Are there costs and benefits to being abusive?
When we ask men how they have benefited from being abusive the first answer they give is
‘nothing’. They only see the costs. The hurt that is caused, the physical or emotional damage, the
breakdown of a relationship, or the fear and uncertainty in their children.
Why then do we do it, when it causes so much pain for others and so much grief in our own
lives?
If you look back at any time you behaved either violently or abusively (even if you were pretending
that you weren’t being abusive) you will find that there were usually two expectations present.
Authority
You wanted your supposed authority in the situation to be recognised!
l You’re the boss!

l You’re the man!
l You have the last word in your own house!
l No-one should speak to you or treat you in that way.
Services
You wanted or expected something from that person because you felt entitled to it!
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WHY SHOULD I DO ALL THE WORK?
l want your complete attention!

l want sex now!
l want you to get off my case!
l want the house spick and span!
l want money to go out!
So you see there are ‘benefits’ to the way you have behaved in the past. You get a quick result!
You get to be ‘boss’, and you get what you think you are entitled to. These benefits are all about
us though, they’re about putting our needs and wishes first, not about behaving responsibly or
respecting the other person. That’s why they eventually stop working. People might do what we
say but they’ll do it out of fear rather than love or respect. The real benefits come not from the
short-term result of getting our own way but in the longer term as you begin to gain self-respect
by behaving respectfully towards others. It takes real work and time before your sense of values
and beliefs really change, but you can begin, step by step, to start changing your behaviour and
recognise the benefits (to everyone) of doing so.
What follows is an exercise and you should make a point of doing this exercise every day. You
could do it in the evening when you reflect on how you have lived, thought and behaved that day.
Or, you might find it a useful task to do before you engage with people or situations where you
have behaved abusively in the past. First, think of the costs and benefits of behaving abusively in
a given situation. Second, think of the costs and benefits of behaving non-abusively. Now,
compare the two and see what you have learned. Non-abusive behaviour wins out every time!
Costs and benefits of behaving abusively
Situation in which I was abusive
What I said to…
What I did to…
What I wanted or expected from…
Short-term benefits to me
Costs to other person…
Long-term benefits to me…
Long-term costs to me…
Long-terms costs to other person…
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Costs and benefits of behaving non-abusively
Situation in which I was not abusive
What I said to/didn’t say to…
What I did/didn’t do to…
How I behaved to/with…
How I dealt with ( _______________ )

without being abusive…
Short-term benefits to other person…
Short-term benefits to me…
Long-term benefits to other person…
Long-term benefits to me…
Dave Morran
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Stories of growth,
responsibility and change
Where men who have been abusive want to change it is necessary to engage and commit to the
following processes:
l We must be willing to give up control in our relationships and work at all the reasons
why we have been controlling in the past.
l We need to take on responsibility for our own behaviour and actions.
l We need to engage with partners or ex-partners (where this is desired by them) to
resolve difficulties and differences respectfully. Even if separated it is still possible to
deal with any personal business (for example, contact with children) in a respectful
manner.
l We need to stop prioritising our own self-centred needs and desires.
The following extracts come from interviews carried out at the time this book was written, with
men who have been violent and abusive. These men are all involved in addressing these
changes. They fully acknowledge that this requires work. Becoming non-abusive takes time but it
brings self-knowledge, relief and a growing sense of acceptance of self and of contentment.
Andrew
Andrew is a likeable man in his late twenties. He lives in a council flat and is unemployed. He and
his partner separated two years ago as a result of what Andrew now describes as his impossible
behaviour at that time. He is still attending a programme for men who are abusive. Here he
discusses what he learned about the impact of his behaviour on his partner and family.
Interviewer: “So you actually looked for a programme … what were you looking
for exactly from this?”
Andrew: “I was looking for anything to get me … sorted! ‘Cos at first I didn’t
understand why I was acting the way I was acting and why I couldn’t
stop it, because no matter what I tried I could not stop it, I was just
getting worse and worse and more and more aggressive and more
and more terrifying…”
Interviewer: “Terrified or terrifying?”
121
Andrew: “Terrifying because I didn’t find this out till after I got help … through
like talking to my former partners and my kids and things like that, it
wasn’t till after that that I realised I was literally terrifying my family,
and to look back and actually know you frightened your children so
bad that they didn’t want to be with you, or you frightened what’s
supposed to be the woman you love. You frightened her so bad that
she would actually go away, crying because of you. Even though I
wasn’t physically touching her, just my presence and my sheer
aggression.
That’s a horrible thing to have to admit that you frighten people that
much just by your presence, just by how aggressive you’re
becoming.
It’s the same as … situations with my former partner where she has
actually had to hit me in order to protect herself, I mean I know that it
was to protect herself, it wasn’t because she was being aggressive
towards me, it was because if she didn’t she was frightened of what
might’ve happened … because there were times I was so … so
angry that I couldn’t see or hear or focus on anything else in the
room apart from the target I was aiming for, which was always … my
partner. It always ended up being her because normally she was …
protecting the kids.”
Interviewer: “What was this anger about … what did you learn about that?”
Andrew: “Well, a few things [laughs] … Don’t get me wrong, it’s not funny.
What I learned was … well I still get angry…”
Interviewer: “Sure.”
Andrew: “But it’s not the end of the world … you know. The first thing is that
there are situations where I get angry but you can … walk away…
You can be angry and not be violent! Being violent was just …
something that I actually chose to do. It wasn’t out of my control … it
was in my control. So now I get angry but never violent.”
Interviewer: “But you do still get angry?”
Andrew: “Yes, and I still got a lot of stuff … that I need to deal with. Plenty of
issues! All sorts of control stuff … mind games. Jealousy.”
122
STORIES OF GROWTH, RESPONSIBILITY AND CHANGE
Interviewer: “What else did you learn about the anger?”
Andrew: “It’s actually me I’m angry at … I take it … took it out on my ex-

partner but it’s about me! That’s what I’ve got to keep on working on
… all the things that make me angry about me.”
Interviewer: “So going to this programme is helping you learn things about you?”
Andrew: “Absolutely … like the anger is really about other things. Fear mostly.
Being scared!”
Interviewer: “Scared … of what do you think?”
Andrew: “Just scared of being wrong, of being laughed at, you know. I know
now that’s what I tried to keep everybody else ‘right’! You know
control everything. Partner, kids, stepkids, everything! But it’s me!
Strange thing … I’m much less angry. I’m actually even beginning to
like myself.”
***
Kevin
Kevin is a small compact man of 42. He works in the telecom sector. When I meet Kevin to
interview him he strikes me as being extremely relaxed and laid back. So he surprises me when
he quickly tells me that he used to be ‘very stressed’. He says he has ‘no problem’ in talking
about this past behaviour.
Kevin: “With me it wasn’t physical so much as emotional abuse. I used to

get very stressed, I was all over the place and I was demanding.
[E]xpecting Marie to … understand everything! My family … never
talked about anything emotional, everything was ‘just get on with it!’
And this meant that I never really ‘got on with it’ because I didn’t
know what emotions were. Then Marie would want to know, ‘What’s
upsetting you?’ and I’d be, ‘Nothing, don’t be so stupid, don’t make
so much of a fuss!’ ‘What you getting so bloody upset for?’ She’d be
crying and I’d be, ‘Just get on with it!’ And of course it was anything
but getting on with it! [laughs] Everything to me was a crisis … A
constant state of panic.
With me now … it’s, well I have to do this and keep an eye on myself
all the time. I have to keep learning about my emotions so that the, ‘I
123
can notice I’m stressed and I need to relax’ mode becomes the
default rather than getting all stressed out and … just being … a
wreck!”
Interviewer: “What does keeping an eye on yourself entail?”
Kevin: “Well, I call it the reality check, keeping myself on track, in fact that’s
what I call it … self-tracking. It’s about making sure I practise …
relaxing, noticing my emotions and also that I can actually learn from
Maria, that having emotions isn’t something … something that you
need to bury. And that you can be … vulnerable. That’s okay!
The other thing is just looking after myself. Eating properly, taking
time for myself, which means I am actually more prepared for being
around other people. I think my way through situations, don’t let the
panic back in. I used to never really think about other people and
never seem to have any time for myself, and now it’s the other way
round.”
***
Chris
Chris is 42-years-old and has been married to Megan for 13 years. They have two teenage
children and a five-year-old daughter. In the last year, with Megan’s support, Chris has given up
his job as a cleaning contractor and is returning to study at college. Chris was physically and
emotionally violent in his marriage and has had to work very hard at rebuilding a relationship with
his children and with Megan. In addition to being violent, Chris also had a problem with alcohol
and drugs. In the past he contemplated suicide. He has now been clean for five years.
Interviewer: “When you began the men’s programme … What did you consider
to be the problems going on in your life at that time?”
Chris: “The biggest problem for me was my long-term battle with alcohol.
Alcohol and other drugs, but predominantly alcohol … which … it’s
true to say, the vast majority of the times I was abusive … and
physically violent, was under the influence of drugs. It did happen
when I was sober, but then it’s difficult to say I was ever sober
because I was always under the influence of something. So my
predominant … issue was alcohol and other drugs I would say …but
I knew, that I had deeper problems than that … Yeah, I had deeper
problems than the symptom of drinking.”
124
Interviewer: “You’re fairly clear about alcohol and substances?”
Chris: “Well ... in a way I think my violence had got … I’d chosen to be
violent because I was using the alcohol as some kind of excuse,
erm, all the time I could say that I was drunk, that was some kind of
defence … if you like, some kind of mitigation. Whereas in fact I
mean I now know that it was all choices. Everything’s a choice. To
drink was a choice. To be violent was a choice, it doesn’t matter
whether you’re drunk … well, you know, you choose to get drunk
therefore the consequences of violence you can’t be exonerated
from that …”
Interviewer: “Yes … how would you have justified your abusive and violent
behaviour around that time?”
Chris: “How would I have justified it? … I would have justified it by feeling,
well you know, ‘You should be lucky to be with me. You know, how
dare you! How dare you ehrm, … rebel! How dare you not be
thankful for having me around!”
[The interview shifts to discussing changes in the way that Chris began thinking about
himself and his behaviour.]
Chris: ‘You asked about the thinking didn’t you? … The thinking
predominantly started to change because I took a good look inside
… of what was going on inside me, and I was starting to think about
how the other people were affected … you know empathy. It’s a very
painful thing to have to do is look at yourself … probably the most
painful thing I’ve ever had to do.
And it was the guilt. The guilt was … crippling. And gradually I learnt
to face up to that guilt, and not put it aside but … make it a part of
me.
See I always tried to deny that part. Almost as though someone else
had done it. Like, ‘Why would I want to do that?’ You know, ‘I did
that?’ And I was looking for forgiveness. Errh … eventually I had to
forgive myself … and also what I was doing was minimalising. I
stopped minimalising what I’d done … and that was causing pain,
because I could see what I had done and the empathy factor was
coming out, and the responsibility factor, I was becoming more
responsible for what I had done and what I was doing, and I was
125
becoming more aware of the impact I could have on other people.

Ehrm, you know it was, still is, to be more caring that gives me focus
when things are getting tough, when things are getting confused
and I realise I could be on the verge of … losing everything, I’ve
thought, ‘Well I’ve got to stay caring’, so that thinking … thinking
about caring.”
We discuss some of the ways in which Chris has changed his behaviour.
Chris: “A couple of examples? … Not … looking for rewards. By not trying

to play mind games. Ehrm, another way I changed, well I stopped
drinking! …. I’ve practised what I was learning … I would sit down. I
would think, ‘What am I feeling right now? And also I tried to
concentrate on negative thought patterns. That was fundamental.
For the first time I really learned, that apart from the things that …
pop into your head, you’re one hundred per cent responsible for…
for what you allow yourself to think about. So if I was sat alone
thinking, miserable, I’d be able to check that out and think, ‘Well
what’s that about?’ And a lot of the time it was guilt and remorse!
Which was absolutely self-defeating. So I’ve had a fight on my hands
from time to time.
So I think it was practising that, practising recognising negative

thoughts, practising feeling awareness, not seeking rewards, … and
gradually just staying in the here and now and trying to do the right
thing.
I try to stay consciously aware of how I am, that’s important to me.

Ehrm, because I’ve still got the potential to be abusive. And
fortunately or unfortunately the worst it gets these days is verbal. But
I’m working on that! I’m working on that! But, I don’t like that! But
part of me has certainly changed. I mean I don’t see myself as a
threat to my children any more.”
Finally the interview looks at the present and compares it to what has gone before.
Interviewer: “What words would you use to describe, say, yourself when you
were being violent?”
Chris: “I think I’d be very pessimistic and self-hating. Or I could be very …

resentful … about the job I was doing. I was arrogant but I would
126
never have, never have admitted to that ‘cos I mean that’s part of it
isn’t it? Ehrm, I was bullish, I was a tyrant. I was just being a mask
really, no depth to me at all.
I was, sad. Deeply unhappy. And I had addiction problems. And I

think the over-riding thing was just frightened! And not really caring.
No connection with my heart or conscience at all. Not much
compassion. And wearing a great mask, a great mask to cover up a
lot of crap, that was about. I’d try and put up a good front! Oh and
I’d like to think I was ‘a man’s man’ too. I’d be cracking jokes …”
Interviewer: “And … four words you would use to describe yourself now?”
Chris: “Well I can still be all of those things! [laughs] A lot of them, a lot of
them. Hmm, how am I now? I’m calm, I’m certainly calm. I’m older of
course, I get far more physically tired, which helps with the being
calm … relaxed. I’m drug free! Ehrm, I’ve got the ability now to know
when I’m feeling resentful. I’ve got the ability hopefully to know when
I’m putting on that front. More objective, and far more caring. Far
more caring.”
Interviewer: “So how long is this process of change taking. Tell me something
about the process of change and how long it is …?”
Chris: “Wow!”
Interviewer: “Does it stop?”
Chris: “No, if it stops … if I get complacent, then … I don’t want to get

complacent. What I do now, I live in the day. It’s all about the here
and now. And ehrm, I don’t have to worry today about being violent
yesterday and as far as I can see, tomorrow is an impossible place. I
have to worry about being violent and abusive now. I have to be
conscious of what I’m doing, of the effect I’m having on others. It’s
all about the here and now, so it’s never gonna stop. But I’m getting
better at it and life’s getting better … You know the old saying…”
Interviewer: “What?”
Chris: “Keep on doing what you’re doing and you’ll keep on getting what
you’ve got!”
127
Interviewer: “Hmmm. Yes, that’s true.”
Chris: “It is true. For sure.”
Dave Morran
128
Useful contacts
Helplines (UK)
The Respect Phoneline – 0845 122 8609 – offers information and advice to people who are
abusive towards their partners and are looking for help to stop being abusive. We can talk about
your arguments with your partner that lead to your abuse. We don’t offer opinions on relationship
issues, instead we focus on helping you understand why you have become abusive. We can also
give you information about specialist programmes throughout the UK that can help you stop
being abusive. You can ring the Respect Phoneline on Monday, Tuesday Wednesday and Friday
between 10am–1pm and 2pm–8pm (textphone users dial 18001 0845 122 8609). If English is not
your first language, call us and ask for an interpreter. You can also visit the phoneline website on
www.respectphoneline.org.uk
Men’s Programme Websites
Some UK Men’s Programmes have their own websites which you may find helpful as well.
United Kingdom
Ahimsa – Plymouth, England, www.ahimsa.org.uk
BRAVE – Bradford, England, www.brave-project.org
CHANGE – Grangemouth, Scotland, www.changeweb.org.uk
Domestic Violence Intervention Project – London, England, www.dvip.org
MenTOR – West of Scotland, www.men-tor.org.uk
Respect – www.respect.uk.net
STOP Project, Leeds, England, www.stop-project.org.uk
Tryangle Project – London, England, www.tryangle.org.uk
Ireland
MOVE (Men Overcoming Violence) runs a number of programmes for men throughout Ireland.
(National Office), Ennis, Co. Clare
Telephone 065 684 8689, email: move@moveireland.ie, website: www.moveireland.ie
SEDVIP (South east Domestic Violence Intervention Project) Waterford, telephone 051 – 844260
SEDVIP runs the MEND Programme for men, www.mend.ie
USA
Emerge – Boston, USA, www.emergedv.com
Men 4 Change, www.chebucto.ns.ca/CommunitySupport/Men4Change
Australia
Men’s Line Australia, www.menslineaus.org.au/FamilyViolence.aspx
129
Alcohol
If you also have an alcohol problem: you can contact Alcoholic Anonymous on 0845 769 7555
(calls charged at local rate) or visit their website: www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
Substance abuse
If you also have a substance abuse or drugs problem: you can contact Narcotics Anonymous on
0845 373 336 or visit their website: www.ukna.org/
Feeling down or depressed?
If you live in England and Wales and are feeling down or depressed you can contact the
Samaritans on 08457 909090 or MIND on 0845 7660163.
If you live in Scotland and are feeling down or depressed you can contact Breathing Space on
0800 83 85 87 or visit their website: www.breathingspacescotland.co.uk/
Other things to consider
• Get support from friends or family who can help you change.
• If you are finding it hard to change: if you are frequently violent to your partner, you should think
seriously about moving out of the house and not seeing your partner for a while. It’s the only
way to keep her and your children safe.
Ippo Panteloudakis,
Respect
130
Contributors to the book
Moira Andrew
Moira Andrew has worked in social work since qualifying in 1971. She began as a medical social
worker before moving to criminal justice in 1981. In 1990 she helped set up the Edinburgh
Domestic Violence Probation Project – now one of the longest-running court-mandated
programmes in the UK. In 2000 she obtained Daphne funding to set up a partnership of agencies
to establish a non-court-mandated programme. She and job-share partner Rory Macrae set up
the Working With Men project in 2002 and jointly manage this expanding team. She has been a
member of the Caledonian System development group.
Karen Bailey
Karen Bailey has been the Coordinator of the Stella Project, part of the Greater London Domestic
Violence Project, since December 2005. Previous to this role, Karen has worked in a range of
policy and strategic roles coordinating domestic violence work and young people’s development
initiatives both at a local level and internationally. Karen holds an MA in Human Rights from the
University of Essex specialising in the human rights of women.
Neil Blacklock
Neil Blacklock was the founder of the Domestic Violence Intervention Project in 1991, which is one
of the longest-running services working with men who use violent behaviour in intimate
relationships. He has continued to develop services and approaches to working with men on
gender and abuse and is currently the Development Director with Respect, the UK association for
those working with perpetrators of abuse and providing associated support services.
Dermot Brady
Dermot Brady is a programme manager with London Probation. He has worked in various
capacities in domestic abuse work for around twelve years. Dermot has run voluntary and
mandatory perpetrator programmes, and has also been involved in the Children Who Witness
Abuse Programme and, currently, ‘Caring Dads’. He is a social work practice teacher and a
freelance trainer and consultant.
Sue Dominey
Sue Dominey is a BACP accredited counsellor and group facilitator, with seven years experience
of managing The Brave Project: a violence prevention/anger management group for men in
Bradford. Sue’s MA research includes – The health consequences of domestic abuse and the
effectiveness of violence prevention groups for men. She is also a Churchill fellow, having
researched violence prevention work with boys and young men in Australia and New Zealand.
Sue believes passionately in working with men, archiving men’s stories, and developing ‘best
practice’ with a male-focussed, strengths/resilience-based approach to working with anger,
violence and abuse.
131
Charlie Irvine
Charlie Irvine is a family mediator, trainer and researcher. He has worked with separating and
divorcing families in Glasgow for the last 15 years, taking a particular interest in the role of fathers
in children’s well-being. He is currently Senior Lecturer in Mediation and Conflict Resolution at
University Centre Stratford, and is seconded to the University of Strathclyde as Research
Consultant.
Susan Kennedy
Susan Kennedy has 15 years’ experience of domestic violence-related work which includes
developing, setting up and delivering programmes for men. Her experience of individual work with
men is with both perpetrators and survivors of domestic violence. Formerly a consultant with
Kennedy/Potts Training Associates, Sue currently works as a Prison Governor.
Rory Macrae
Rory Macrae has been a criminal justice social worker since 1988. Since 1992, he has worked in
the Domestic Violence Probation Project (DVPP) in Edinburgh, a court-mandated service for men
convicted of domestic violence offences. He is currently job sharing (with Moira Andrew) two jobs:
senior social worker in DVPP and the Working with Men Project (WWM). WWM runs a non-court-
mandated programme for men in Edinburgh as well as offering training and consultancy to
agencies encountering domestic abuse on constructive engagement with abusing men. In 1998
Rory spent six months working in a community health project in Melbourne, Australia, in a non-
court-mandated programme for abusing men. He is a member of the Caledonian system
development group.
Dave Morran
Dave Morran set up the CHANGE Programme for men in 1989 with Monica Wilson. Since 1996 he
has worked as a lecturer in social work. Dave’s research interests relate to men’s violence and
men’s emotional health, and he undertakes occasional consultancy and training on these themes.
He is currently engaged in establishing MenTOR, a project to work with non-court-mandated men
in the West of Scotland. Dave is currently a member of Respect’s Executive Committee and of the
Management Group of Men’s Health Forum, Scotland.
Ippo Panteloudakis
Ippo Panteloudakis has been working for Respect since 2004. He set up the Respect phoneline
and has been managing it since. He also manages the Men’s Advice Line. Both helplines have
been accredited by the Telephone Helplines Association.
Dave Potts
Dave Potts has been involved in domestic abuse work since 1989, and has had various roles
setting up, delivering and supervising interventions with men, both as a probation officer and
independently with a range of agencies. As part of Kennedy Potts Training Associates, he
provides training and consultancy on domestic abuse and continues his long involvement with
Respect, currently as an accreditation assessor.
132
CONTRIBUTORS TO THE BOOK
Monica Wilson
Monica Wilson is Director of Change (Men learning to end their Violence to Women) Limited,
which developed the first criminal justice-based programme for male perpetrators of domestic
violence in the UK. She has also worked with DVPP and Sacro/Forth Valley to develop the
Caledonian systems approach to working with men.
Monica is a founder member of Respect and is secretary to the executive committee. She is
also a trained counsellor and works one day a week as a counsellor in primary care. She is
married with one step-daughter and a step-grandson.
Paul Wolf-Light
Paul Wolf-Light of Ahimsa in Plymouth has been working with male perpetrators of domestic
abuse since 1992. He is responsible for the perpetrator programmes at Ahimsa and is also
currently supervisor and consultant for the perpetrator programmes run by Repair in Devon.
133
Electronic supply of the worksheet handouts: From Fear to Freedom
Terms and conditions for use
1. Buying a copy of From Fear to Freedom and completing the form below gives the individual who signs the
form permission to use the materials in the PDF that will be sent from BASW for their own use only.
2. The hard copies that they then print from the PDF are subject to the same permissions and restrictions that
are set out in the ‘photocopying permission’ section at the front of this book.
3. Under no circumstances should they forward or copy the electronic material for anyone else.
4. If the person who signs this form wants a licence to be granted for wider use of the electronic materials
within their organisation, network or client base, they must make a request directly to BASW detailing fully
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• If the request is made when submitting this form, the request should be made in writing and should
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134
From Fear to Freedom
A Workbook for Men
The aim of this book is to speak directly to men who, through their controlling
beliefs and behaviour, are causing worry and harm to their families, partners
and children, and not least, to themselves.
The title ‘From Fear to Freedom’ suggests that while some men’s behaviour is
often frightening and damaging for others, it can also be frightening and
confusing for men themselves. Once men begin to examine, comprehend and
choose to work at ceasing their abusive and controlling behaviour, this can be
a liberating process for them as well as others.
From Fear to Freedom is also intended as a resource for professionals such as

counsellors, health practitioners, alcohol and drug workers, social workers,
probation officers and others whose practice brings them into contact with
troubled and troubling men.
This book does not set out to be an academic text and few academic
references appear in any of the chapters. It is nevertheless underpinned by a
substantial body of theory and research around men’s controlling and abusive
behaviour and has been written by experienced practitioners in the UK who
work with men on issues around masculinity, control, abuse – as well as on
the rewards of developing a sense of responsibility and respect for self and
others.
No promises are made in this book and no guarantees are offered to men or
their partners as far as men changing their attitudes and behaviour is
concerned. What From Fear to Freedom does offer is a starting point,
providing information and insight about the damage that power, abuse and
control does in relationships, what might underlie such behaviour, and what
men might do in order to begin addressing such behaviour. The book also
introduces stories of change to motivate and encourage men as they
commence their own journey towards behaving non-abusively, and in doing
so, achieve a greater sense of peace with themselves.
BASW
Wellesley House
37 Waterloo Street
Birmingham B2 5PP 9 781861 780898
www.basw.co.uk

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From Fear

A Workbook for Men

Edited by Dave Morran

Masculinity, Control and Change

A Workbook for Men

Edited by Dave Morran

© British Association of Social Workers, 2009

ISBN: 978-1-86178-082-9 (Paperback)

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

Photocopying permissions for the use of the worksheet handouts vi

Diagram: The Power and Control Wheel 29

What does your life look like right now? 2

How your partner probably feels right now 5

What is domestic abuse? 9

Men and violence 15

Masculinity: the fallout for us – and our relationships 27

Accepting women as they are 30

The effects of violence and abuse on children: needs and concerns 36

Why do some men behave like this? 43

It’s not me – it’s alcohol (or drugs) 44

Violence and anger: the health consequences for you 52

The challenges and rewards of personal change: the road to growth,

Just like his old man? 68

Fathers and separation 77

Maybe it’s really over! 82

Recognising moods and feelings – paying attention to them 86

Recognising self-talk and its effects on us 96

When you need to take time out 103

How I took a time-out but didn’t pay attention to my self-talk 107

My body says I’m 35 – but my heart says I’m 12 110

Men’s programmes: what are they about? 116

Why should I do all the work? 118

Stories of growth, responsibility and change 121

Useful contacts 129

Contributors to the book 131

Electronic supply of the worksheet handouts 134

Electronic supply of the worksheet handouts

Dave MacD, Dave P, Frank, and Mike

for their friendship, encouragement and support.

What’s been going on?

l You’d like to be more easygoing but you’ve got a bit of a temper.

l Always to have the last word.

Effects of partner abuse

This is what Barbara told me:

But was it her fault? What do you think?

This is what Mary remembers:

This is Yasmin speaking:

This can include:

l Using weapons such as knives, sticks, bottles, tools or household items.

It could also be:

l Locking someone in a room or house.

l Forcing them to take alcohol or drugs.

l Vaginal, oral or anal sex.

Other types of abuse

l Putting women down by criticising their appearance (“You’re ugly … fat”); or

Domestic abuse involves a pattern of behaviour

How common is domestic abuse?

Some other facts:

l One in three marriages that end in divorce involve domestic violence.

It’s not a secret any longer

How men talk about their abusive behaviour

So, have you ever:

l Hit your partner in any way?