Child Man

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 Child Man
The Self-less Narcissist

Ashok Malhotra

LONDON NEW YORK NEW DELHI

First published 2010
by Routledge
912–915 Tolstoy House, 15–17 Tolstoy Marg, New Delhi 110 001

Simultaneously published in the UK

by Routledge
2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon, OX14 4RN

Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business

Transferred to Digital Printing 2010

© 2010 Ashok Malhotra

Typeset by
Star Compugraphics Private Limited
D–156, Second Floor
Sector 7, Noida 201 301

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilised in any form
or by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented,
including photocopyitng and recording, or in any information storage and retrieval
system without permission in writing from the publishers.

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

ISBN: 978-0-415-58989-5
 To
Sharbori
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 Contents

Preface ix
Introduction xi

PART I
THE STORY 3–84

PART II
REFLECTIONS

The Three Protagonists 93

Colours of Self-centricity 98
Child Man and the Age of Reason 104
Child Man and Gender Identity 110
Communion Through Agency 120
Child Man and the “EQ-wallahs” 127
Road to Manhood 133
Child Man and Our Times 138
Befriending the Child Man 156
Ashok Speaks 163

Bibliography 167
Index 169
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 Preface

Sachidanand Vatsyayan Agyeya has written that his book Shekar Ek

Jeevani (The Life of Shekar) was conceived in a single night. I had
found this difficult to comprehend till I had a similar experience with
respect to this book. It happened last year during the institutional
meeting of “Sumedhas—Academy for Human Context.” Sumedhas is
a not for profit organization set up to foster spaces for “self-reflection”
and “dialogue.” Through the year, fellows of Sumedhas facilitate such
spaces for people from different walks of life. Once a year, the fellows
meet amongst themselves to share what is happening in their own
life spaces and also what they see happening in the larger, macro
context. Last year, this meeting was held at the Fireflies Ashram near
Bangalore. During the day, we meandered through several areas such
as the joys, struggles and dilemmas of our own life spaces, issues of
ecology, the impact of market forces, changes in familial and social
dynamics, etc. However, each of these issues seemed to carry a common
theme viz. the widening gap between techno-economic progress and
psycho-social maturity.
During the night, my thoughts kept going back to these issues
and images of the mythological figures of Balarama, Duryodhana and
Bhima kept flashing through mind. I began to wonder if there was a
connection between the two and it struck me that in some ways, these
characters symbolized the same process which we had been grappling
with through the day, i.e., the gap between prowess and emotional
maturity. Consequently, an exploration of the inner landscape of
these mythological characters might throw some light on issues we
face today.
I could not sleep the whole of that night and by the morning,
I had written the book “in my mind.” However, transferring it from
x Child Man

my mind to paper has taken me over a year—partly because of other

preoccupations, partly because of the reading that was necessary to
gather as many insights as I could on my three protagonists, but mainly
because of my lack of experience in this field. I felt particularly shaky
about the first part (i.e. the story) because it needed the creativity
of a story-teller rather than the linear thinking and analytical ap-
proach of some one like me. However, the inner drive to give these
thoughts expression was strong enough for me to give it a shot. Several
people have helped me in this endeavour with their valuable inputs.
Some of them are Arjun Malhotra, Arundhati Ghosh, Jose Dominic,
K.S. Narendran, Kusum Das Prabhu, Neelam Gill Malhotra, Raghu
Ananthnaraynan, Roop Sen and Sophie Christopher. I am grateful to
Arshia Sattar for not merely editing the book but also helping with
the “story” through her deep understanding of Indian mythology.
Deepa Jagdish of “Francis and Taylor” was a source of great help,
advice and encouragement. I am also thankful to Shalin Jose for the
time and effort put in by him for the cover design of the book.
While all these people have helped in making this book what it is,
one person without whom this book may not have happened at all is
Sharbori Gomes. So immense is her contribution to it that the only
way I can acknowledge it is by dedicating the book to her.
 Introduction

The Widening Gulf

D arkness at Noon by Arthur Koestler is the story of an ex-
revolutionary, Rubashov, who had played a significant role in setting
up of a totalitarian regime. When Rubashov experienced the callous
disregard for individual liberty and humanistic values under the new
dispensation, he began to develop serious misgivings and was eventually
imprisoned and tried for treason by the new regime. During his trial
Rubashov remained ambivalent, but eventually rationalized the need
for autocratic leadership through what he called the “law of relative
maturity of masses.” Rubashov’s thesis was that the political matur-
ity of masses cannot be seen in absolute terms but only in relation to
the prevailing economic structure. Since political maturity requires the
masses to evaluate where their best interest lies, it necessarily pre-
supposes that they have a basic understanding of the complex network
of economic forces by which they are governed. With every change
in the techno-economic structure, a new network of forces arises, of
which the masses have little appreciation. Consequently, their political
maturity in the changed context becomes even less than it had been in
an earlier era. Thus, Rubashov writes in his diary, “The industrial era
is still young in its history; the discrepancy is still great between its ex-
tremely complicated economic structure and the masses’ understanding
of it. Thus, it is comprehensible that the relative political maturity of the
nations in the first half of the twentieth century is even less than it was
in 200 B.C. or at the end of the feudal epoch.” This leads Rubashov to
the inevitable conclusion that individual freedom has to necessarily be
restricted until the gap between the political maturity of people can catch
up with the requirements of the new techno-economic structure, no
matter how repugnant this may seem from classical liberal standards.
xii Child Man

If we broad-base Rubashov’s concept of political maturity to psycho-

social maturity and turn his argument on its head, the conclusion would
be rather horrifying. What it implies is that the gap between the psycho-
social maturity of people and the prevalent techno-economic structure
can easily be exploited by any despotic tyrant and can, thereby, pro-
vide fertile ground for totalitarian regimes. In fact, Eric Fromm, in
Fear of Freedom, has argued that while mankind has obtained con-
siderable freedom from earlier constraints and compulsions, it is also
experiencing large scale feelings of isolation and helplessness. This state
of affairs, according to Fromm, provides fertile ground for author-
itarian tendencies at the collective level and sado-masochistic streaks
at the individual level. The collective hysteria which we witness around
communal/parochial/racial issues would support Fromm’s fears. It
is tempting to attribute this hysteria to the devices of self-serving
politicians, but it would be over-simplistic to do so. The gap between
techno-economic progress and psycho-social evolution is not confined
to the political sphere alone—despotic tyrants and rabble-rousing
politicians are not its sole exploiters. Look at any sphere of life and
you might well encounter the same phenomenon.
The advertising professional of today finds it much more profitable
(and perhaps rightly so), to direct his message at the subliminal level
rather than persuade the buyer through logic and reason. Rationally, it
makes little sense to use celebrities for promotional purposes—firstly,
because in most cases, they have no special credentials with respect
to the products that they are promoting and secondly, because they
take the focus away from the message and place it on the personality
of the celebrity. However, the force and appeal of the celebrity’s per-
sonality and their association with the product at the unconscious level
are strong enough to justify a fortune being spent on the promotional
effort for which, ultimately, the consumer pays. Similarly, whether it
is the spiritual guru or the pop psychologist or the management expert,
they all peddle homilies with great profit. In each of these cases, what
is being exploited is Rubashov’s thesis of the “relative immaturity of
the masses”.
 Introduction xiii

Every technological advance potentially enhances our prowess to

gain mastery over nature and transcend our limitations. Simultaneously,
it makes it more difficult for us to comprehend the complex network of
forces which govern our lives. We try and fill this gap through acquiring
more “information” which is becoming more easily accessible, but
this “flood of information” rarely gets integrated and converted into
wisdom, leaving us even more bewildered and confused. Thus, we find
ourselves in the ironic situation wherein with much more information,
knowledge and resources at our command, we have much less
appreciation and understanding of the issues which intimately affect us.
Consequently, we have much less control over our own lives. This gap
between our “prowess” and our cognitive and emotive wherewithal
to handle it is most starkly visible on our roads. If the technology of
automobiles is advancing by the day, road rage, impatience and in-
discipline are increasing by the hour. In a similar vein, in most fields
of artistic expression (films, music, literature, etc.), technology and
craftsmanship have improved exponentially, but I am not sure if the
same can be said of their intrinsic meaning and depth. Even in the
field of warfare, we may have acquired the ability to bombard targets
which are thousands of miles away by merely pressing a button but
we have lost the grace and spirit of a Samurai.

Two Sides of the Coin

Thus, almost all spheres of present day life are characterized by the
growing gap between our “prowess” and our psycho-social wherewithal
to handle it. Perhaps there is a relationship between the two—with the
pursuit of prowess becoming a refuge and a compensation for inner
anxiety and feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. The part of us
which triggers and sustains this process has been termed the Child Man
in this book. The Child Man is that part of our selves which man-
fully fights against all external oppressions and controls but meekly
surrenders to inner forces and compulsions. It is extremely strong and
powerful on the one hand and totally fragile and vulnerable on the
other. While the Child Man resides in all of us, it is more prominent
xiv Child Man

and hence more easily visible in some people. By focusing our attention
on such people, it is not the intention to brand them as a “certain type
of person.” Rather, it is to facilitate the exploration of a larger human
context through these issues.
On the face of it, “Child Man” may sound like a contradiction in
terms, but it is a phenomenon which is frequently encountered in every
day life. It is not uncommon to find men who are strong, courageous,
energetic, aggressive, masculine, testosterone-driven and simultan-
eously child-like in their simplicity/innocence and/ or childish in dealing
with emotions, both their own as well as those of others. They are
emotionally fragile, have low impulse control, cannot handle criticism,
throw tantrums when frustrated, are susceptible to flattery and other
forms of emotional blackmail, and are generally accustomed to having
things their way.
Psychologists and analysts have studied them from a pathological
point of view and branded them in accordance with their specific orien-
tation. Thus, Freudians would perhaps see them as “mother-fixated
narcissists” whereas the Jungians might call them “anima-possessed”
personalities. Scholars of gender relations would perhaps call them
products of patriarchal systems which feed the “male ego.”
In the past few decades, considerable work has been done in the
field of men’s psychology. Robert Bly, Victor Seidler, William Pollack,
Robert Levant and several others have highlighted the demons
with which men have to wrestle. A significant contribution of these
efforts has been to bring the “burden of masculinity” centre stage.
It is reasonably well understood now that while being a ‘man’ may
be a privilege in the world of interfaces (family, work space, socio-
political structures, etc.), in the individual’s relatedness to himself (his
own feelings, vulnerabilities, fears etc.) it is also a huge burden. For,
masculinity can never be taken for granted. It has to be constantly
proved and established, leaving behind the residual doubt of ‘am I man
enough’ which almost all men have to deal with. Thus, it is hardly
surprising that in pursuit of manliness, emotional maturity takes a
beating for many men.
 Introduction xv

While all these perspectives provide significant insights and have

their own validity, what they share in common is their propensity to
treat the lack of “emotional maturity” in the Child Man as a prob-
lem and seek solutions either in the personal context (through such
processes as psychotherapy) or in the collective context (through re-
configuration of gender relations). In this process, the integrity or the
wholeness of the individual gets lost and the fact that the “prowess
enhancing man” and the “emotionally fragile child” are but the two
sides of the same coin gets obscured.
The present work is not “problem centric” nor does it have any
solutions to offer. All that it attempts to do is to explore the inner
landscape of the Child Man—his compulsions, his wishes, his pathos,
his pathologies his dilemmas and so forth. For this purpose, it draws
upon the mythological figures of Balarama, Duryodhana and Bhima
who, in some way, symbolize the phenomenon of the “Child Man”
and whose lives were closely intertwined with each other.
The book provides a first person account of both their inner and
outer lives—the way they experienced themselves, the way they saw
their own context and related to it, the choices they made and how
those impacted them and others and, most importantly, the residual
feelings that they may have been left with.
Lest it be thought that the Child Man is manifest only in men, let
me clarify that it is not so. Here, we are not talking about men or
women but of a certain kind of psyche which can be manifest in either
of the two genders. The term “man” is being used only because this
psyche leans strongly towards attributes which have traditionally been
regarded as masculine. The crux of the psyche is not gender specific.
It alludes to that part of ourselves which pursues “prowess” above all
else, which propels us to gain mastery over nature rather than to live
in harmony with it, which propels us to be masters of our destiny
rather than flow with life; which propels us toward self sufficiency rather
than gracing our dependence on others, which makes it impossible for
us to accept the inevitabilities of existence and which leaves us feeling
enraged when our “will” is frustrated or denied. However, when this
xvi Child Man

psyche manifests itself in women, it brings certain peculiarities. This

is because both “prowess-pursuit” and “emotional expression” have
a strong relationship with the way gender roles are configured. Thus,
while gender issues are not central to this work, some exploration of
them will be necessary in order to understand the phenomenon of the
Child Man. Also, some exploration of the collective human context
will be necessary, particularly in respect to the exponentially increasing
prowess of mankind through techno-economic advancement, the
erosion of emotional infrastructures like family and community, the
preeminence of the market place, the imperatives of living in a global
village, the simultaneity of isolation and interdependence and other
such phenomena.

Structure of the Book

The first part of the book provides the story of the three protagonists
through first person, anecdotal narrations. The anecdotes have been
interspersed and organized in a way that the continuity of each
story line is maintained. However, these stories only provide a back-
drop, particularly for readers who may not be too familiar with the
Mahabharata. The emphasis in the anecdotes is on thoughts and feel-
ings of the three protagonists. Apart from research in some translations
of the original Mahabharata (though the original Mahabharata is
itself a knotty issue), related works by Kisari Mohan Ganguli, Shivaji
Savant, Iravati Karve, K. M. Munshi, Narendra Kohli, Pratibha Rai
and M. T. Vasudevan Nair, have also be used for this purpose. Most
of the anecdotes are fictional and several of them have also been based
on the writings of the above mentioned authors. No specific references
have been provided because the overlapping nature of several nar-
ratives makes it impossible to trace the origins of any specific anecdote.
Further, several fictional additions/modifications have been made by
the present author with a view to highlight the underlying emotional
processes. The “story” should therefore be treated as that of three
fictional characters based on the three mythological figures. Accuracy
vis-à-vis the original Mahabharata is neither intended nor necessary
for our purpose.
 Introduction xvii

The second part of the book is more analytic in nature. The em-
phasis here is on exploring the personal and collective processes
related to the phenomenon of the Child Man and their implication
for our times. Thus, besides drawing upon the three protagonists, this
part also uses several examples from popular cinema, literature and
contemporary life.
The first chapter, “The Three Protagonists” looks at the similarities
and differences between the three characters and outlines the issues and
themes which have been explored in the subsequent chapters, such
as “Colors of Self-centricity,” “Child Man and the Age of Reason,”
“Child Man and Gender Identity,” “Communion through Agency,”
“Child Man and the EQ-Wallahs,” and “The Road to Manhood.” The
last two chapters, “Child Man and Our Times” and “Befriending
the Child Man,” explore the implications of this psyche for the current
world and the reconfigurations which may be required for fostering its
positive and constructive potential. The basic assumption here is that
the individual psyche is not just a product of personal propensities
and the context of the individual, but is also shaped by the collective
context which is comprised of prevalent social, cultural, economic and
political conditions. These forces play a significant role in determining
which aspects of the psyche will be valued, fostered and deployed by
the individual and which aspects will be suppressed and/or repressed.
In these chapters, the term “modern man” has been used to portray
the “social character” which is shaped by these forces, and hence
should be understood in this limited sense. The other limitation of
this prototype of “modern man” is that it primarily refers to members
of an urban, industrialized and modern society. However, given the
power and influence which this segment of human population enjoys,
it is not surprising that its beliefs, values and perspectives are fast
gathering a universal applicability.
For delineating the prevalent forces of our times, I have relied pri-
marily upon my own experience of working with hundreds of men and
women and on the experiences of several colleagues who are engaged in
similar work. However, since most of us belong to the same fraternity
xviii Child Man

and in fact, belong to a common body called Sumedhas—Academy

for Human Context—a certain subjective predisposition is inevitable.
I have also been greatly influenced by writings of several scholars,
particularly Ken Wilber and Eric Fromm, in my understanding of the
larger human context of our times. Undoubtedly, there are several ways
of looking at the larger human context and in the ultimate analysis,
each of these is necessarily limited and determined by our personal
proclivities. Therefore, in the end, I have added a brief statement about
my own struggles with some of these issues.
 PART I
THE STORY
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 List of Names and Terms

ABHIMANYU Son of ARJUNA and SUBHADRA,

nephew of KRISHNA, killed by the
KAURAVAS in the CAKRAVYUHA
ACHARYA Teacher/Scholar
ADIRATHA Charioteer, foster-father of KARNA
AKRUR Minister in the court of KANSA
ANGIRAS Seer and sage in whose ashram KRISHNA
spends some time
ARJUNA Third PANDAVA brother, son of INDRA
born to KUNTI, greatest archer in the
world and a special friend to KRISHNA
ASHRAM Abode of a sage and his disciples
ASHWATTHAMA Son of DRONA, loyal to
DURYODHANA, massacres the
descendants of the PANDAVAS at the end
of the war
BADI MAA See YASHODA
BAKASURA Demon killed by Bhima after their escape
from the palace fire
BALARAMA Elder brother of KRISHNA, mace
warrior and teacher of both BHIMA and
DURYODHANA. In some accounts son
of VASUDEVA and ROHINI and hence
half brother to KRISHNA
4 Part I

BALLABHA BHIMA’S disguise in the thirteenth year of

exile
BELIYA Family retainer to the PANDAVAS, loved
by BHIMA
BHANUMATI Wife of DURYODHANA
BHIMA Second of the PANDAVA brothers,
son of Vayu the Wind-god born to
KUNTI, mace warrior and arch-rival of
DURYODHANA
BHISHMA “Grandfather” to both PANDAVAS
and KAURAVAS, respected elder at the
KAURAVA court
BRIHANNALA ARJUNA’S disguise in the thirteenth year
of exile
CAKRAVYUHA Impenetrable battle formation designed by
DRONA and used in the war against the
PANDAVAS
CHEMMUR Wrestler hired by KANSA to fight
KRISHNA and BALARAMA
CHOTI MAA See ROHINI
DARUKA KRISHNA’S charioteer
DAU “Elder brother,” used as a term of
intimacy by KRISHNA for BALARAMA
DEVAKI Birth mother of KRISHNA and
BALARAMA, sister of KANSA
DHARMARAJ Epithet for YUDHISTHIRA, the son of
DHARMA
DRAUPADI Wife of the PANDAVA brothers, daughter
of DRUPADA, king of Pancala
 List of Names and Terms 5

DRONA Martial arts teacher to both the

PANDAVAS and the KAURAVAS
DRISTADYUMNA Son of DRUPADA, brother of
DRAUPADI, ally of the PANDVAS, born
to kill DRONA because of animosity
between DRUPADA and DRONA
DUHSASANA Brother to DURYODHANA, second of
the KAURAVAS
DURVASA Sage known for his anger
DURYODHANA Eldest of the KAURAVAS, son of
GANDHARI and DHRITARASHTRA
DWARKADHISH “Lord of Dwarka,” epithet for
KRISHNA
EKALAVYA Tribal boy who seeks DRONA as a
teacher and is rejected because he is not a
KSHATRIYA
GANDHARI Mother of DURYODHANA and the one
hundred KAURAVAS, who blindfolds
herself after she marries the congenitally
blind DHRITARASHTRA
GANGACHARYA Head-priest in GOKUL
GHATOTKACA Son of BHIMA and HIDIMBI
GOPI Womenfolk in the cowherd community
GURU DAKSHINA Offering made by a student to his teacher
at the end of his training period
HALADHARA “Plough-wielder,” epithet of BALARAMA
HANUMAN Son of Vayu the Wind-god, “brother” to
BHIMA, special devotee of Lord Rama
and worshipped as “monkey god”
6 Part I

HIDIMB Tribal cannibal that the PANDAVAS meet

in the forest, killed by BHIMA, brother of
HIDIMBI
HIDIMBI Wife of BHIMA, mother of
GHATOTKACA, sister of HIDIMB
INDRA King of the gods, father of ARJUNA
JAMBAVATI Wife of KRISHNA who received the
SYAMANTAKA jewel from her father
when she got married
JANARDHANA Epithet for KRISHNA
JARASANDHA King of MAGADHA and Father-in-law
of KANSA and one of the most powerful
kings of that period
JAYADRATHA Brother-in-law of DURYODHANA and a
KAURAVA ally
KALYAVAN Ruler to the south of Gokul, ally of
JARASANDHA
KANHA Diminutive term of endearment for
KRISHNA
KANKA YUDHISTHIRA’S disguise in the
thirteenth year of exile
KANSA KRISHNA and BALARAMA’S uncle, bent
on their destruction, ruler of Mathura
KARNA First-born son of KUNTI, abandoned and
brought up by a charioteer and his wife,
ally of DURYODHANA who makes him
king of Anga so that he can fight his arch-
rival ARJUNA
KAURAVAS Sons of DHRITARASHTRA, cousins and
rivals of the PANDAVAS
 List of Names and Terms 7

KICHAKA Brother-in-law of VIRATA and his

military commander
KRIPACHARYA Brother-in-law of DRONA and a
KAURAVA ally and military commander
KRISHNA Worshipped as the the eighth incarnation
of VISHNU, son of DEVAKI and
VASUDEVA, KUNTI’s nephew and chief
advisor of PANDAVAS.
KRITAVARMA YADAVA warrior who fights on the side
of the KAURAVAS
KSHATRIYA Warrior caste
KUBERA God of wealth whose garden BHIMA
attacks
KUNTI Mother of the PANDAVA brothers,
YUDHISTHIRA, BHIMA and ARJUNA,
wife of PANDU
LAKSHMANAA Daughter of DURYODHANA
MADRI Mother to the PANDAVA twins,
NAKULA and SAHADEVA, wife of
PANDU
MAHOUT Rider and care taker of elephants
MUSHTIKA Wrestler hired by KANSA to fight
KRISHNA and BALARAMA
NANDBABA Foster-father of Krishna, leader of the
cow-herds in GOKUL
NAKULA Twin brother to SAHADEVA, son of
PANDU, born of MADRI
PANC-ALAS DRUPADA’S army and his descendents,
allies of the PANDAVAS
8 Part I

PANDAVAS The five sons of PANDU, cousins and

rivals of the KAURAVAS
PANDU Father of the PANDAVAS, husband of
KUNTI, brother of DHRITARASHTRA
PARIKSHIT Son of ABHIMANYU and UTTARA and
the only heir of the PANDAVAS
PONDURAK King who claims to be incarnation of God
and is killed by KRISHNA
PRADYUT Advisor to KRISHNA
RADHA Beloved of KRISHNA during his time in
VRINDAVAN, also his eternal spiritual
consort and his complementary female
energy
RAJAMATA Mother of the king
ROHINI Foster-mother of BALARAMA
RUKMINI Wife of KRISHNA
SAHADEVA Twin brother to NAKULA, son of
PANDU, born of MADRI
SAIRANDHARI DRAUPADI’S disguise in the thirteenth
year of exile
SANDIPAN KRISHNA’S teacher
SATADHANVA Involved with the theft of the
SYAMANTAKA jewel, brother of
KRITAVARMA
SATRAJIT Original owner of the SYAMANTAKA
jewel
SATYABHAMA Daughter of SATRAJIT and Wife of
KRISHNA
SATYAKI YADAVA warrior who fights on the side
of the PANDAVAS
 List of Names and Terms 9

SHAKUNI Brother of GANDHARI, uncle to the

KAURAVAS, DURYODHANA’S player
in the dice game
SHAMBARI Tribal girl who fell in love with
VISVAMITRA, helped him during his
captivity and eventually married him
SHAMBH Son of KRISHNA and nephew
of BALARAMA, imprisoned by
DURYODHANA
SHIKHANDI Formerly a woman, now born as a warrior
to kill BHISHMA
SHISUPALA Cousin to KRISHNA and BALARAMA
who is killed by KRISHNA at the
ceremony to celebrate YUDHISTHIRA’S
coronation
SUBHADRA Sister of KRISHNA and BALARAMA,
married to ARJUNA, mother of
ABHIMANYU
SUDAMA Childhood friend of KRISHNA
SUYODHANA DURYODHANA’S alter-ego
SWAYAMVARA Public ceremony in which a princess
chooses her own husband from among
invited royalty
SYAMANTAKA Jewel that generates wealth
UDDHAVA KRISHNA’s cousin and close associate
UGRASENA Father of DEVAKI and KANSA
and an ally of KRISHNA AND
BALARAMA, imprisoned by
KANSA
UTTARA Wife of ABHIMANYU whose unborn
child is saved by KRISHNA
10 Part I

VASUDEVA Birth father of KRISHNA AND

BALARAMA, husband of DEVAKI
VIDURA Brother to PANDU and
DHRITARASHTRA, advisor in the
KAURAVA court
VIKRADU Advisor to UGRASENA in Gokul
VIPRUTHA Minister in the court of Dwarka
VISVAMITRA Born a KSHATRIYA but became a
powerful sage, strong advocate of
inclusivity
VYASA Narrator of the Mahabharata
YADAVAS KRISHNA’S clan
YAKSHAS Celestial beings
YASHODA KRISHNA’S foster-mother, wife of
NANDA/NANDBABA
YUDHISTHIRA Eldest PANDAVA brother, son of
DHARMA born to KUNTI
 CHAPTER 1

Balarama Speaks

I am sitting by the river side, waiting for the end to come. After the
disastrous events of the previous 24 hours, I don’t want to live any
more. How could a minor altercation between Kritavarma and Satyaki
lead to the destruction of the entire Yadava clan? I wonder when and
where the seeds of this destruction were sown. Were they sown by
Shambha in his disrespect for the revered sage or were they sown
thirty six years earlier on the battlefield of Kurukshetra where Krishna,
despite my repeated warnings, got us embroiled in the war between the
Kauravas and the Pandavas? The consequence, of course, was mother
Gandhari’s curse on the entire Yadava clan. Or did the seeds lie in the
rivalry between Satyaki and Kritavarma for Krishna’s affections? After
the incident over the Syamantaka jewel, Kritavarma could never fully
regain Krishna’s confidence and could only draw some solace from
proximity to me. Eventually, of course, Kritavarma fought on the side
of the Kauravas and Satyaki on side of the Pandavas.
That wretched jewel, Syamantaka-mani, had even caused an
estrangement between Krishna and me, though only for a while.
Fortunately, it was all resolved but could we ever regain the closeness
of our childhood? My mind drifts back to Gokul where it all began.

I was a little over three years old and Krishna, a year younger. Every
morning when Badi Maa churned the milk, both of us would stand
next to her completely naked, with only a silver ornament around our
waist, waiting for the churning to be over so that we could gobble
12 Part I

up the butter. On this particular day, Krishna started playing hide

and seek with Badi Maa. Every time she turned to one side, so would
Krishna, hiding himself behind her clothes. After a while, Badi Maa
became very anxious and started calling to him, “Oh Krishna, where
are you, where are you?” Finally, she spotted him. She picked him
up, showered his face with kisses and put the entire ball of butter in
to his mouth. All this while, I was creeping closer to her, but she took
no notice of me. I began to tug at her garments, pleading with her to
pick me up but she was so engrossed in Krishna that all my attempts
to capture her attention failed. I started to cry, stamped my feet and
ran away from there. At last, she noticed and then, both she and
Choti Maa came together to pacify me. But I was so enraged that I
refused to listen to them and so they decided to leave me alone. As I
was lying there, crying and bawling, I felt Krishna’s small little fingers
caressing my hair. My anger began to melt but I did not respond to
him. Krishna started to sulk and move away from me, but I grabbed
him, hugged him, kissed him and then for a long time, we laughed
and cried together.
In that moment, we had become one. From that day, Krishna was me
and I was Krishna. We were together in everything. We slept together,
we bathed together, we ate together, we stole butter together, we played
our pranks together and we were punished together; so much so that
it became impossible for people to speak of one without mentioning
the other in the same breath. It was always Balarama and Krishna. In
everything which Krishna did, except for his escapades with Radha,
Balarama was always included.
And yet, we were so different. He was cool, composed, ever smiling
and unruffled in any situation. I was intense, passionate and tempera-
mental. There was always a mystery around Krishna—no one knew
what was really on his mind. I was totally transparent with all my
feelings and my thoughts were visible to everyone. I was stronger and
older, but he had such a confident air about him that people always
listened to him and he became the natural leader.
 Balarama Speaks 13

After some years, we had to leave Gokul for Vrindavan. We were

both adolescents by now. One night, when Krishna and I were almost
asleep, Nandbaba came and woke us and took us to meet a guest who
had arrived during the day. The guest, whose name was Akrur, had
arrived from Mathura with a beautiful chariot. He was apparently a
minister in the court of Prince Kansa. Krishna, as was his wont, kept
asking how this huge chariot had been brought across the Yamuna
river. He had always been like that, curious, asking questions and never
giving up till he received an answer that satisfied him. For instance,
he would repeatedly ask me, “Dau, why does the Yamuna river keep
calling me to her?”, or “Dau, why do I keep dreaming of Mathura
and the imprisoned Prince Vasudev and his wife Devaki?” and so on.
That fateful night, some of Krishna’s questions were to be answered
and they changed the entire course of our lives.
As we entered the room, we saw Akrur—an old man who seemed
wise and compassionate. Krishna nudged me and said softly,
“How can such a nice man be working for that cruel Kansa?” It was
as though Akrur had read the question in our eyes and he began to
explain. What he told us was the story of our own lives. He told us how
Prince Kansa had imprisoned his own father, King Ugrasena, how he
had let lose a reign of terror in the kingdom with the help of his cruel
father-in-law, Jarasandha, and how the great sage Vyasa had predicted
that the eighth son of Devaki and Vasudev would liberate the people
by killing Kansa.
Devaki was Kansa’s favourite cousin and her husband, Vasudev, was
his close friend and confidante. But none of this prevented Kansa from
ordering their immediate execution. However, after much pleading
and persuasion from several quarters, Kansa agreed to only im-
prison them provided that all their offspring would be handed over
to him. Although the prediction only applied to the eighth son, Kansa
did not want to take any chances and decided to kill all of Devaki
and Vasudev’s children. One by one, Devaki’s first six sons were killed
by Kansa. The seventh son, me, was replaced with a still-born girl and
I was smuggled out and sent with mother Rohini to be brought up
at Gokul. And when the eighth son (Krishna) was born, our father
14 Part I

Vasudev brought him across the raging Yamuna river and handed
him over to Nandbaba, who was the chief of the cowherds in Gokul.
Nandbaba placed Krishna next to mother Yashoda who had be-
come unconscious after delivering a baby girl. The female infant was
handed over to Vasudev and when mother Yashoda got up in the
morning, she saw Krishna next to her and believed him to be the infant
she had given birth to.
The girl child was taken back to Mathura and handed over to Kansa
as the eighth offspring of Devaki. While Kansa promptly killed the
new born girl, his suspicions were not allayed. This was aggravated
by the fact that as he threw the little infant to the floor, she flew out
of the window and there came a thundering announcement from the
heaven, “Your killer has already arrived on earth!” Kansa remained
vigilant and made many attempts to locate Devaki’s missing children,
but he did not succeed.
Akrur went on to tell us that ever since Kansa heard about Krishna
and me and our exploits, he had rightly concluded that we were the
seventh and eighth sons of Devaki and Vasudev. He had, therefore,
sent the royal chariot to bring us to Mathura to participate in a
festival where wrestlers from various parts of the kingdom gathered
to demonstrate their prowess. However, his real plan was to have
us killed in the course of the wrestling bout or to let a mad elephant
loose at us.

As the elders began to deliberate upon Kansa’s invitation, it became

clear that there was no way this invitation could be declined without
a serious threat to the entire clan. Also, Krishna and I were now ready
for the tryst with our destiny. The next day, the entire clan gathered
to bid us farewell. There was much crying and wailing. We tried to
console everyone, particularly Badi Maa and Choti Maa, and started
walking towards the royal chariot, with me in front in my blue attire
and Krishna behind me in his customary yellow clothing with the
peacock feather in his head gear. Looking at him, I felt a strong gush
 Balarama Speaks 15

of love and I said to myself “No matter what, I will always stand by
my little brother!” I was also excited at the prospect of vanquishing
Kansa. Krishna and I were taking our first steps towards conquering
the world. Little did I realise then, that it was also the beginning of the
end of our symbiotic bond with one another.

As Krishna and I started walking towards the palace grounds of

Mathura, we were thronged by crowds who were pouring in from
all directions. They threw flower petals and garlands at us and were
chanting, “Long live Krishna Balarama!” Just as we reached the
gates, a mad elephant, seemingly out of control, charged towards us.
There was panic all around but we were ready. I slipped between the
legs of the beast and caught hold of its tail. Simultaneously, Krishna,
who was in front of the elephant, started to sway so rapidly that the
poor creature just could not keep pace with him. Taking advantage
of its bewilderment, I used the tail as a rope and climbed on top of
the elephant. I threw down the mahout (who had obviously stage-
managed the entire incident), and started attacking every part of the
huge animal’s body with his heavy elephant goad. As the elephant
began to scream, Krishna caught hold of its trunk and pulled out its
tusk. We were drenched in the fountain of blood that followed and
soon, the elephant collapsed, unable to withstand our joint assault.
The whole crowd erupted with chants of “Victory to Krishna-
Balarama!” and followed us to the main arena where we were con-
fronted by the wrestlers Mushtik and Chemmur. The crowd started to
protest “This is not a fair contest! How can these young boys match
up to these huge monsters?” They really were much bigger than us.
Krishna, in particular, looked like a mere baby in front of the demonic
Chemmur. “How will he face upto him?” I wondered. While I was pre-
occupied with these apprehensions, Mushtik attacked me and threw
me off-balance. I quickly recouped and focused on my fight with
him. For some time, he matched my skill, agility and strength but in
the end, I managed to pick him up, whirl him around and throw him
16 Part I

down with such force that he died instantly. Meanwhile, to everyone’s

delight, Krishna had managed to kill Chemmur.
Kansa sent in a new set of wrestlers but we eliminated them, too.
Kansa was enraged. He took out his sword and started to walk towards
us. Akrur tried to stop him but he pushed him aside. Simultaneously,
the Magadhi soldiers started attacking all those who they thought
were opposing Kansa, including our father, Vasudev. I rushed into
the royal enclosure and took on all of them, single-handed. At the
same time, Krishna climbed up onto the podium, grabbed Kansa by
his hair and beheaded him.

We had just returned from the emotionally charged reunion with

mother Devaki, father Vasudev and grandsire Ugrasena. All the
elders gathered together to think about what had happened. Pradyut
was the first to speak. “We are facing a grave situation. There are
many powerful people who were close to Kansa and are extremely
unhappy with these developments. Also, Jarasandha will surely want
to avenge the killing of his son-in-law. We cannot let the throne re-
main empty—we must elect a new leader immediately!”
‘What’s the hurry?” asked a senior leader.
“No, Pradyut is right, we have to elect someone straight away,”
said the head priest, Gangacharya.
“I think Shri Vasudev should be the automatic choice,” someone
suggested
“My whole life has been spent in grief and long years of imprison-
ment have incapacitated me, I am in no position to take up this re-
sponsibility,” said our father.
As this discussion was going on, the old king Ugrasena entered the
hall, and on being briefed about the issue at hand, he said, “It is clear
to me that the rightful leader and one who can take us through these
difficult times is none other than the person who has delivered us from
our pitiable state. I suggest Krishna ascend the throne and lead us!”
 Balarama Speaks 17

“Hail-hail!” shouted everyone as Krishna stood up to speak.

“I am indeed honoured, but so far I have only lived as a cowherd.
I have not received the education necessary to be a king. At this
juncture, the most important thing is unity amongst us; and no one
symbolizes that unity better than grandsire Ugrasena. Therefore,
I think, the best course of action would be for him to resume his pos-
ition as the king and our leader.”
The entire assembly was stunned. Slowly, king Ugrasena began
to speak.
“I do not know why Krishna is doing this. He is the rightful owner
of this throne and if for some reason, he does not want to accept it,
then it should be his elder brother Balarama who takes his place.
However, I will do as he wishes provided he and Balarama stay here
in Mathura and guide us.”
“We will always be available to you but we must return to Vrindavan
with Nand Baba. Our first duty is to the place where we were brought
up and to its people,” said Krishna.
“That cannot be!” shouted several people together and they began
pleading with Nand Baba to gift his two sons to Mathura. With tears
in his eyes, Nand Baba said, “Family comes before the individual, clan
comes before the family and nation comes before the clan. Krishna
and Balarama will stay here!”
After uttering these words, he fell unconscious with grief.

It was late at night and I was feeling restless. Important decisions

had been taken about my life and I did not know what to feel about
them or whether this was what I really wanted. I nudged Krishna and
asked him, “Why did you say no to the throne?”
“Why do you ask? Did you want to become the king?”
“Of course not! While I am older than you, I have always looked
at you as the leader and you know that. It is only that there is no one
more suitable than you to be the king.”
18 Part I

“But, it is not my calling,” he responded.

“Then, what is your calling?”
“I do not know very clearly as yet. Perhaps it is to fight adharma
wherever it occurs, perhaps it is to work towards establishing the rule
of dharma, not just in Mathura, but everywhere.”
“What about Vrindavan, don’t you want to go there?”
“I will never go back there!”
“What about Radha?”
“She will always be a part of me and so will all the near and dear
ones of Mathura, but that phase of my life is over.”
He turned over and went off to sleep but I began to wonder who
this stranger was, sleeping next to me. Do I really know him? Is he the
same naughty prankster who, till the other day, used to steal butter
and run away with the clothes of the maidens bathing in the river?
What do I mean to him, and why did he not look at me even once as
he decided and spoke on behalf of both of us?
 CHAPTER 2

Duryodhana Speaks

I am Duryodhana, the eldest son of King Dhritarashtra and Queen

Gandhari. Earlier, I was also known as Suyodhana—the righteous
warrior, but now I am only addressed as Duryodhana—the terrible
warrior. Not that I minded the change, but I was not sure how it came
about. Perhaps it had something to do with the return of my cousins,
the Pandavas. Ever since those five came back to Hastinapur, my life
became miserable. Before this, as the heir apparent, my succession to
the throne was taken for granted and everyone was keen to do my
bidding. I was the master of all I surveyed and I was sure that with
my valour and with the support of my hundred brothers, I could take
Hastinapur to new heights and even surpass the glory of Jarasandha
in the east and Kalyavan in the south.
With the return of the Pandavas, there was unnecessary doubt and
uncertainty. First, there was the complication of my father being only
a care-taker king. Though he was the older one, he was denied the
throne on account of his blindness and my uncle Pandu was made the
king. It was only after uncle Pandu went to the Himalayas that my
father took charge of the kingdom. By this time, uncle Pandu was dead,
but his wife, aunt Kunti, came back with those so called five sons of
his. To make matters worse, the eldest son, Yudhishthira, was slightly
older than me. At every opportunity, I was reminded that he was the
rightful successor to the throne. This age difference must have been
of some consequence because I believe that when my mother, Queen
Gandhari, learned of Yudhishthira’s birth, she was so frustrated
that she even tried to abort me. Though my mother outwardly never
complained, her bitterness and dissatisfaction at being married to a
20 Part I

blind man and being deprived of the status of the chief Queen, possibly
even of the Rajmata, was all too visible. Similarly, while on the face
of it, my father showed much affection and concern for my Pandava
cousins, I knew how bitter and enraged he felt within himself.
The most difficult problem was the blatantly partisan attitude of
elders like uncle Vidura and grandsire Bhishma. Anyone could see what
a coward Yudhishthira was, but uncle Vidura was always going ga-ga
over his righteous homilies in the name of dharma. The sly and smug
Arjuna had some skill with the bow and arrow, but the way grandsire
Bhishma swooned over him, you would have thought that he was God’s
greatest gift to mankind. The two younger ones, Nakula and Sahadeva,
who were in fact, sons of aunt Madri, were of little consequence. The
only one who, to some extent, could be regarded as my equal was the
second son, Bhima. He was strong and courageous and had it not been
for him, I could easily have taken care of the rest of them.
As I sat mulling over the situation, my maternal uncle Shakuni came
in. He was the only one who understood and supported me.
“What are you pondering, my dear son?”
“You know what a terrible situation I am in, there is no one who
loves me or cares for me.”
“That’s not true—your father loves you very much and is always
trying to protect your interests.”
“What is the use of a father like that who, in spite of being the king,
does not have the courage to assert himself and is always trying to say
politically correct things rather than what he actually wants.”
“I agree. But you must remember that he can not afford to displease
the grandsire and also has to deal with that cunning and manipulative
Vidura.”
“That is exactly my point. Why can’t these old fogies be straight with
each other, rather than engaging in this endless play of words?”
“None of these people can be of any help to you. But, what about
your teacher, Drona?”
 Duryodhana Speaks 21

“No chance. He is so blatantly partial towards Arjuna that even his

own son Ashwatthama feels resentful. The other day, we came across a
tribal youth Ekalavya, who clearly had the potential to surpass Arjuna
in archery. Apparently, this boy had come to Acharya Drona, who
refused to accept him as a disciple. Nonetheless, the boy made a statue
of Drona and started practicing, treating Drona as his teacher. Sensing
a potential threat to Arjuna’s supremacy, the Acharya decided to ask
Ekalavya for guru dakshina. What do you think he asked for?”
“What?”
“Ekalavya’s right thumb, so that he could never shoot again. But,
I must hand it to Ekalavya, who did not hesitate for even a moment
and promptly cut off his thumb and offered it to the Acharya.”
“You are right, all these old fogies are the same, and you cannot
depend on any of them. You will have to find your own answers to
these knotty problems.”
“The only solution I can think of is to wring the necks of all my
five cousins and throw them into the river!”
“Don’t be silly, there is no point losing your temper like that. You
are so volatile that you forget that not all problems are solved through
muscle power.”
“So, what do you suggest that we do?”
“First, we must neutralize Bhima who is their shield and their real
strength. Without him, they are helpless and totally vulnerable. Second,
we must find someone who can match Arjuna in archery.”

The stadium was full and the atmosphere electric. Guru Drona had
organized a grand graduating ceremony for us in which our skills
and talents were to be showcased in front of other royalty and the
general public. Bhima and I had already shown our individual skills.
We were now invited by the Acharya to a duel that would determine
the best mace warrior. Both of us looked at each other with mutual
22 Part I

hatred and knew that it could well mean the end for either of us.
We began slowly and cautiously but were soon hitting each other with
all our strength. There was pin-drop silence among the spectators.
There was so much ferocity in our attacks on each other that possibly,
no one expected us to come out of this encounter alive. And so it would
have been, had the Acharya not intervened at the decisive moment
and declared us joint winners. Neither of us was satisfied with this.
We both felt frustrated, glared angrily at each other, and went back
to our respective seats.
The function had been cleverly designed to ensure that archery
got centre stage. Obviously, the Acharya wanted his favourite pupil,
Arjuna, to be seen not just as the best archer, but also as the best
warrior. Not unexpectedly, Arjuna surpassed everyone and started
showing off his skills. Just as he finished and before the applause
could die down, a young man with the looks of a god and body of
a giant bowed down before the Acharya and sought permission to
demonstrate his skills. Very soon, the young man, whose name was
Karna, had enthralled everybody with his prowess. Amidst shouts of
“Bravo! Bravo!” from me and my brothers, it was clear that he could
easily replicate each and every feat of Arjuna.
After he had finished, he sought the Acharya’s permission for a direct
duel with Arjuna. Before the Acharya could respond, Kripacharya
intervened and said, “Arjuna is a prince and only a member of royalty
can engage him in direct combat!”
“Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” I shouted. “Let lineage not stand in the
way of determining talent and merit. And if his not being royalty is
such a big issue, then I will anoint him the king of Anga. I am sure
the generous king will agree to this proposal in the interest of a fair
determination of skill and prowess.”
Saying this, I quickly looked at my father who, fortunately, had the
good sense to nod his head before anyone could object.
As Arjuna and Karna got ready to face each other, the charioteer
Adiratha came running into the arena and embraced Karna shouting,
“My son, my son!”
 Duryodhana Speaks 23

Bhima laughed aloud “Oh, so he is only the son of a charioteer!

And he wishes to engage prince Arjuna in a duel!”
“So what if he is only a son of a charioteer? Skill and prowess are
not the monopoly of any one class of people, as Ekalavya, who is only
a tribal, demonstrated. Bhima! It does not behoove you to laugh at
other people on account of their lineage!” I protested.
Kripacharya intervened again. “The rules and norms of a duel do
not permit this, in any case it is now sundown and hence no duel can
be permitted today.”
“I agree,” said grandsire Bhishma and closed the matter before my
helpless father, the so called king, could even open his mouth.
I was furious. Once again, these old fogies had combined to frustrate
me. From where did they dig out these obscure rules and norms, every
time the Pandavas were in trouble? Never had they come to my rescue
with such eagerness. Uncle Shakuni put a hand on my shoulder and
whispered softly, “Calm down, at least we have found an answer to
that arrogant Arjuna!”
Realizing the import of his statement, I rushed to Karna and em-
braced him. His eyes were moist and the devotion and gratitude that
he felt were far too obvious. I also felt a gush of love and admiration
for this exceptionally gifted man who had perhaps never received
even an iota of kindness from any one. In that moment, I knew I had
found a strong ally and a faithful and loyal friend for life.

“I believe Krishna is coming to Hastinapur,” said Bhanumati as I

entered my bedroom.
“So, what’s there to feel so excited about?” I snapped back.
“Oh, I so much want to meet him! The stories that I heard about
him when I was in Kashi—his mastery over the flute, his dancing with
the Gopis and all those miracles that he performed.”
24 Part I

“He is a fraud. And don’t forget, he always supported his cousins, the
Pandavas, against us. It was mainly because of him that Yudhishthira
was anointed the crown prince.”
“But all that is history now! The Pandavas have been taken care of
in the palace fire at Varnavat. Tell me, is it true that you arranged to
set the palace on fire in order to eliminate them?”
“Who says so? Besides, you should not worry your self with such
matters.”
“I don’t. I only want you to be on the right side of Krishna. Whatever
may have happened in the past, in the changed scenario, there is much
for you to gain by befriending Krishna.”
“Uncle Shakuni thinks the same,” I murmured.
“For a change, he is giving you good advice. Listen to him. I suggest
we invite Krishna to the Gauri Puja celebrations when he is here. It
will be such fun.”
“Let me think about it,” I said.
I did not trust Krishna one bit, the fellow was always upto some trick
or other. However, there was some merit in Bhanumati’s suggestion,
so I decided to invite him. With all the revelry, wine and women, it
would give me a good opportunity to watch him in a different setting.
And given his roving eye and reputation with women, who knows
what unexpected benefits might accrue.

Krishna arrived splendidly attired and with his usual enigmatic

smile. All the ladies made an immediate bee line for him, with Bhanu
leading the pack. She had taken special care to dress and was looking
ravishing. I felt proud that she belonged to me but also upset that she
should take so much care for this cowherd.
“Oh Krishna!” she was saying, “I am so glad you have come! The
stories I heard about you when I was in Kashi! Tell me, did you really
perform all those miracles?”
 Duryodhana Speaks 25

“You should not believe everything people say,” replied Krishna,

smiling.
“Especially when it comes to him,” I chimed in.
“See, how smart your husband is! Perhaps you could do with some
of his smartness.” He added, “And may be he could do with some of
your innocence!”
I moved away, but kept a close watch on him. The ease with which
he related to people and the magnetic attraction with which he drew
everyone, particularly women, to himself, I had never seen before.
I have had my share of success with women, but this was totally
different. Never before had I seen such intense passion in the women’s
eyes—as though they were imploring him to caress every part of their
being, their body, their heart and their soul.

“Where is your flute?” Bhanu was asking Krishna.

“I left it in Vrindavan. I never touched it after that.”
“How sad, it must be so very painful for you.”
“Not at all. That phase of my life is over and I never grieve over
the past. Life is like a flowing river and to make it stop at any place,
no matter how enchanting, will only create stagnation. See, if life had
not moved on, would I have met such a beautiful young lady?” he
smiled at her.
Bhanu blushed. “You are just saying that to make me feel happy.
There is no dearth of beautiful women in your life.”
“It is true that in my eyes, every woman is beautiful, but some, like
you, are especially so!”
Bhanu was so thrilled that she almost threw herself upon him. I kept
watching them from a distance and gulped down one drink after an-
other. A pretty little thing snuggled up to me and said “Tonight, she
is totally engrossed in him, prince, you better look else where!”
26 Part I

“You think I care?” I leered at her and squeezed her breast.

“Ouch, not here,” she winced in pain. “Take me to some other
place!”
I started to pull her away when Krishna tapped my shoulder.
“Bhanumati has had one drink too many, you better take her away
before she makes a scene.”
“I thought you were looking after her,” I retorted.
“Do I need to look after my sister when she has such a capable
husband?” He smiled, bowed and left.
I was dumbfounded. Here was this man shamelessly flirting with
my wife and now he calls her his sister and shows such concern for her
virtue! “Will I ever be able to figure him out?” I murmured to myself.
 CHAPTER 3

Bhima Speaks

I was feeling on top of the world as I led the procession back into
Hastinapur. The ordeal of the previous few years had made us much
stronger. With allies like the Yadavas and the Panchalas, we had
become a force to reckon with. Duryodhana and his cronies could
not take us lightly any longer. Though it had not been very easy for
my brothers, personally, I had had a great time.
With great satisfaction, I recalled our escape from the palace fire in
which the cunning Duryodhana had plotted to trap us. Our encounter
with the tribe of cannibals had been no less an adventure—how easily
I over-powered their chief Hidimb and killed him! After which, his
sister, Hidimbi, offered herself to me in marriage and the tribe made me
their chief. In Hidimbi, I had found a true soul-mate. She was strong,
big built, earthy, sensous and had massive appetites, just like me. None
of the coy delicacies of city bred ladies for her. Living with her in the
forest was the happiest period of my life, though admittedly it was
not very easy for my mother and my brothers, with the fear of being
devoured by one of the cannibals always hovering over their heads.
Leaving Hidimbi and my infant son Ghatotkacha behind was really
tough for me, but there was no way I could have deserted my family.
So, when Krishna’s instructions came that we were to make our reap-
pearance at the swayamvara of king Drupada’s daughter in Panchala,
we had to leave the forest. I so much wanted Hidimbi and Ghatotkacha
to accompany us, but the tribe people would just not hear of it. I also
realized that Hidimbi would feel totally out of place in the synthetic
world of the city and its palaces.
28 Part I

Sitting on my decorated elephant, I smiled as I thought of

Duryodhana’s embarrassment when he could not even string the bow,
let alone shoot an arrow at the swayamvara. In the public enclosure
with my brothers, all of us dressed as poor Brahmins, I had laughed
out loud at Duryodhana’s discomfiture.
King Drupada had set a really tough test for the marriage of his
daughter. When all the assembled kings and princes had failed to
accomplish the feat, Arjuna got up and, with great ease, pierced the
eye of the revolving fish. I felt so proud of my younger brother and
rushed to protect him when everyone charged to attack him. I simply
uprooted a tree and stood in front of him, challenging all of them to
come and fight me. Before the situation could get out of hand, Krishna
came forward and revealed our true identity to all of them.
When mother Kunti decreed that Draupadi should be married to
all five of us, I felt both awkward and delighted. After all, I had also
played a role in winning her. Besides, she was so beautiful and en-
chanting. She might not have had Hidimbi’s physical strength, but
the steely resolve in her eyes would put any warrior to shame. Never
before had I seen this unique combination of strength and delicacy
that I found in her.

As we returned to Hastinapur like victorious warriors, I could see

a huge crowd of people who had thronged to welcome us. Grandsire
Bhishma, uncle Vidura, and believe it or not, even Duryodhana was
there in the reception party. He must have been fuming inside and I
thought what fun it would be to tease him and stoke his envy. Suddenly,
my eyes fell on Beliya who was sitting in a cart being pushed by his
son. Forgetting every thing else, I rushed to him. “Hey what happened
to you, how have you become so old?”
“Little master, age is catching up and ever since I heard about the
palace fire, I have been so depressed and sad!”
I was overwhelmed to see him. Beliya had been more to me than
any mother could have been to her child. I was told that as an infant,
 Bhima Speaks 29

I was way too strong and tempestuous for mother Kunti to handle.
Beliya had been entrusted with taking care of me. He used to play
with me, calmly withstanding all my rages and tantrums, he taught me
wrestling and showered me with the uncomplicated and unconditional
love of a mother.
I pushed aside his son and took charge of the cart. “Now, I am
going to carry you just the way you used to carry me! Let’s go to
your house!”
“You can’t do that, little master! You have to take part in all the
royal celebrations.”
“What do I care for them, I only want to be with you!” I said and
caried him in his cart surrounded by all the children and youth of
his community.
The moment we reached his house, I demanded, “Give me something
to eat, I am famished!”
“Do you still eat the way you used to?” he asked.
“Of course! Do you know, before the cannibals made me their chief,
I had to prove that I could eat more than any of them!” I laughed
aloud and so did all the children who had accompanied us.
Soon, I was totally engrossed in eating the home-made bread baked
by Beliya’s daughter-in-law, joking and laughing with all of them,
totally unmindful of the palace and its intrigues.

I was sitting by the river side near a village just outside Hastinapur,
which I left in utter disgust a few hours back. I felt like smashing a few
heads as I wondered what to do about the mindlessness of people
around me. Elder brother Yudhisthira had once again let us down
by leaving every thing to uncle Dhritarashtra. It had always been
like this. When Duryodhana tried to poison me in our childhood, my
brothers did not allow me to even bring it to the notice of grandsire
Bhishma, arguing that it would only upset him and not do any good.
30 Part I

In spite of being anointed crown prince, Yudhisthira meekly gave in

to Uncle Dhritarashtra’s directive for us to leave for Varnavat. Why?
Just because the great Duryodhana desired it? Obviously, with the
intent of burning us alive in the palace fire!
The same story was repeating itself. Even after the grandsire advised
uncle Dhritarashtra to step down so that Yudhisthira could take over
as the next king, my saintly elder brother left every thing in the hands
of uncle Dhritarashtra—and it was no secret that he would be swayed
by what Duryodhana and that cunning Shakuni wanted. To complicate
matters, I knew that the mighty Krishna had promised his adopted
sister Bhanumati that her husband would rule over Hastinapur. Whose
side was he really on? First, he came to our aid and then made this
absurd promise to Bhanumati.

Seething with rage, I turned around and found Krishna standing

beside me.
“What are you doing here?” I shouted angrily.
“I have come here to be with you.”
“Don’t you try to sweet talk me into going back to Hastinapur.
I have made up my mind that I will never return there.”
“So be it. Then I have no choice but to accompany you and go
where ever you go.”
“Why, what does this have to do with you?”
“Because I told your mother and brothers that I would not return
without you!”
“But I have told you that I am not going back!”
“I am not asking you to. But you can’t stop me from accompanying
you. Tell me, what exactly do you intend doing?”
“I don’t think it is necessary for me to tell you. If you must know,
then let me inform you that my plan is to set up a new kingdom of
my own!”
 Bhima Speaks 31

“I knew that’s what you would want to do because you are the only
one who has the sagacity and foresight to realize that it is the only
way out”
All my life I had been laughed at as dull-witted and called a fool or
an idiot. Now, Krishna praising me for my sagacity and foresight! That
didn’t seem right! Nevertheless, I asked, “Why do you say that?”
“Do you, like your elder brother, believe that you people and
Duryodhana can co-exist peacefully?” he responded with a counter
question.
“Of course not! That can never be! Yudhisthira, you know, is
an idealist and believes everyone is as saintly as him. But I know
Duryodhana will never leave us in peace!”
“You are absolutely right. Now, tell me, what do you propose
to do with Duryodhana and his uncle Shakuni even if Yudhisthira
becomes the king?”
“Had it not been for the grandsire, I would have killed them by
now and eliminated this problem altogether!”
“And you also know that for the present, that is not possible. Which
is why I said that you are smart enough to realize that the only way out
is to set up a separate kingdom. And I would like to help you do it.”
By now my anger was almost totally gone. “How can you help?”
I asked.
“First, we must ensure that you get your fair share of resources from
Hastinapur. Then, of course, the entire might of the Yadavas will be
available to you. Add to it all that you have received from Panchala.
With the valor of your brothers, I am sure you will be able to set up
a kingdom which will outshine Hastinapur in every respect.”
My eyes began to gleam with excitement. “Just like you had set up
Dwarka!” I said excitedly. “But uncle Dhritarashtra will never let us
have our share of the resources.”
“Why don’t you leave that to me? I am sure the king is going to
suggest a division of the kingdom, keeping Hastinapur for Duryodhana
32 Part I

and offering the forest area of Khandavaprastha to you all. I suggest

that we accept it and then force his hand to share other resources.”
“How will you do that?”
“Come with me and see for yourself!”
A little later, we were on our way back to Hastinapur.

The next day, uncle Dhritarashtra summoned the royal assembly

to announce his decision. He was obviously trying hard to sound
mournful and sincere but the effort was showing.
“I have not been able to sleep all night,” he started. “My obedient
nephew Yudhisthira, who is more than a son to me, has asked me to
make the most difficult of all decisions. If I appoint him the next king,
as I would like, Duryodhana and my other sons will never accept it
and there will be unnecessary hostility between the cousins. On the
other hand, if I make Duryodhana the king, it will be unfair to my
nephews. Therefore, after considerable thought, I have come to the
sad conclusion that the best course is to divide the kingdom into two
parts. Duryodhana will be the king of Hastinapur and Yudhisthira
will rule over the Khandavaprastha area.”
Before he could finish, several people began to shout, “That is
hardly a fair division!” “We can’t let the Pandavas go from here!” and
other such things. But before the protest could go any further, Krishna
rose, raised his hands and began to speak.“Please, don’t be impatient.
Listen to the king’s complete proposal. Those of you who wish to be
with the Pandava brothers can accompany them, I am sure the king
will not object to your doing so. Am I right sir?”
He looked at uncle Dhritarashtra who nodded his head vigor-
ously.“What about our property here?” asked one person.
“You can carry your movable property with you and either sell
off the immovable property or maintain it here. After all, the two
kingdoms will be part of one larger family.” He looked again at
 Bhima Speaks 33

Uncle Dhritarashtra who nodded, but with much less enthusiasm.

By now, he realized that Krishna had virtually taken control of the
proceedings. Thus, when Krishna announced, “on his behalf” that
the army and treasury of the kingdom would also be divided into
two equal parts, the poor fellow had no choice but to claim that was,
indeed, his intention.
All this while, I sat there, marveling at the skill with which Krishna
had maneuvered the entire situation. Later, I expressed my gratitude
to him and suggested that we name the new kingdom after him, but
Krishna declined. “I don’t think that would be wise. Instead, I suggest
that we name it Indraprastha. I think we will need a lot of help and
support from lord Indra so it would be nice to be on his good side!”
 CHAPTER 4

Balarama Speaks

A meeting had been called to discuss the disturbing news brought

by our spies. After several unsuccessful attempts to avenge the killing
of his son-in-law, Jarasandha had decided to lead the attack himself
with the help of several other smaller kings who were his allies. The
plan was to attack Mathura from all sides at the same time and kill
both Krishna and me.
“Are we prepared to deal with a multi-pronged attack like this
one?” asked King Ugrasena.
“I am afraid we cannot hold them off for more than a few days,”
said Vikradu. “Kansa had felt totally safe on account of his father-
in-law and he never paid much attention to the defense of Mathura.
Also, the recent skirmishes with Jarasandha’s generals have left our
forces completely depleted.”
“I agree with him,” said Krishna. “Engagement in this war at this
time will mean certain defeat and mass scale destruction of our people
and property.”
“What is the way out?” asked the king.
“There is only one thing to be done. Jarasandha’s real enmity is
with Balarama and me. If we are not here, there is no reason for him
to attack Mathura.”
“But we can not possibly hand the two of you over to him!”
“No, but both of us can leave Mathura and ensure that this news
is leaked to Jarasandha. Then he will know that it will be futile to
demand the two of us from you.”
 Balarama Speaks 35

“No way!” I shouted. “Run away like a coward and be branded

for the rest of my life? I would much rather lay down my life on the
battle field!”
“I know that and so does everyone else,” said Krishna. “No one
would dare to call you a coward in any case, but there are times when
concern for one’s personal reputation must be sacrificed for the larger
good. There is no cowardice in choosing your own time and place
for engaging with an enemy. Sacrificing thousands of life in an endeav-
our which is sure to fail is neither a sign of bravery nor of wisdom.”
He said this with such finality that no one could say anything more.
The next morning, Krishna, Uddhava and I departed quietly from
Mathura.

We had a great time on Gomantak hill, or at least I did. I loved the

tribals and their uninhibited celebration of life. There was plenty of
delicious toddy to drink, beautiful sensuous women who wore nothing
above their waists and who loved to dance and make merry. Sometimes,
Krishna joined us in this merriment, but mainly, he remained focused,
preparing for the inevitable encounter with Jarasandha who we knew
had been following us ever since our departure from Mathura.
“How about getting some weapons for your self?” Krishna
asked me.
I picked up a plough and said, “This is enough for me to take
care of that incarnation of evil—after all, I am not called Haladhara
for nothing!”
“Start getting ready, it’s not long now before we have to face him.”
Sure enough, within a few days, Jarasandha with his troops and
several allies had surrounded the Gomantak hill. But we had the ad-
vantage of position and made it impossible for them to climb the hill.
Left with no other choice, Jarasandha set the hill and neighboring
forest on fire. We were prepared for this and managed to escape, but
Jarasandha’s ploy backfired. As the fire spread, all the wild animals
36 Part I

began to escape and started charging at Jarasandha’s troops who ran

for their lives.
Seizing this opportunity, I made a direct attack on Jarasandha and
in no time, I had him on the ground. I placed my foot on his chest
and lifted my plough to put an end to his life when Krishna stopped
me. “Let him go!”
“Why?” I yelled. “This is a great opportunity to put an end to this
menace!”
“No, his time has not come as yet!”
I was furious. “I demand an explanation—you cannot let him go
like that.”
“Then listen,” Krishna replied. “I don’t think the Yadavas in
Mathura, especially in our absence, can withstand the fury of revenge
which the Magadhis will let loose on them if we kill Jarasandha
now.” Quickly, he dragged me away from there.

Leaving Mathura was not an easy decision for any of us, but we
realized that there was no other choice. It had become clear that staying
in Mathura, we would not be able to withstand a combined attack
from Jarasandha in the east and Kalyavan in the south. Consequently,
advised by Krishna, we left Mathura with it’s entire population, it’s
cattle and other movable property, so that when Jarasandha and
Kalyavan reached Mathura, all they would find were empty roads
and deserted buildings. We moved westward and set up a new king-
dom which we named Dwarka. It did not take us long to develop
Dwarka into a beautiful and prosperous kingdom and soon, it was
the pride of Aryavarta.
Satrajit who was one of our prominent citizens, had received a boon
from lord Shiva, a jewel called the Syamantak Mani. The jewel could
generate endless amounts of wealth. Some time ago, the jewel had
been stolen and Satrajit accused Krishna of masterminding the theft.
I was furious at this false allegation and wanted to behead Satrajit
 Balarama Speaks 37

right away, but Krishna remained cool and fortunately, stopped me

from doing anything rash. Krishna not only managed to recover the
jewel, but also uncovered the mystery behind the theft. It was Satrajit’s
own brother who had stolen the jewel and then lost it to a tribal chief.
Mercifully, the whole episode ended well and in the process, Krishna
acquired two more wives for himself—the tribal Jambavati and
Satrajit’s daughter, Satyabhama.

We were in Hastinapur when a distraught Satyabhama came and

informed us that her father had been killed and that the Syamantaka
jewel had been stolen again. We rushed back to Dwarka and discovered
that one of our distant cousins, Satadhanva, had been absconding for
some days. Krishna immediately summoned Satadhanva’s brother,
Kritavarma, who confessed that it was Satadhanva who had been
behind the killing and the theft and had now run away to Kashi.
Krishna and I made an immediate departure for Kashi. The moment
Satadhanva learnt of this, he tried to escape, leaving behind his sol-
diers behind to block our way. I told Krishna to go after Satadhanva
and leave the rest of the soldiers to me. It didn’t take me long to take
care of that motley army, by which time Krishna also returned with
the news that he had not been able to capture Satadhanva alive and
had had to kill him.
“That scoundrel does not deserve to live!” I said. “But where is the
jewel? Show it to me!”
“The jewel was not with him,” said Krishna.
“How can that be? You probably did not search him properly.”
“No, Dau! I am sure the jewel was not with him.”
There was a mysterious smile on Krishna’s lips which made me
extremely suspicious.
“You are hiding some thing from me. Surely the jewel is not more
important than your older brother. I am not going to take it away from
you. I only want to see it once. Can’t you trust me even this much?”
38 Part I

“Dau, you are unnecessarily getting angry. Please believe me, the
jewel is not with me.”
This was too much for me to take. I was sure he was hiding some
thing from me and started wondering if he really trusted me. I shouted
at him, “I have had enough of your insolence! I can’t take it any more!
Be happy with your precious jewel, I am going away and will never
return!”
I turned and walked away while Krishna kept trying to dissuade me,
but I was absolutely convinced that the jewel was with him, or at the
very least, he knew of its whereabouts. The thought that he was hiding
something from me and did not trust me was so infuriating that I was
not prepared to listen to him, or to any one else for that matter.

I stayed back in Kashi and did not return to Dwarka. Of course, my

mind was always occupied with memories of my younger brother and
all the other people in Dwarka who were so dear to me and without
whom my life had no meaning. At times, I wondered whether I had
been too harsh with my brother, but I was simultaneously enraged
and thought, “How could he do this to me?”
“Sir, someone has come from Dwarka to meet you,” the attendant
informed me. It was minister Viprutha who, after greeting me, handed
over a small box. “Dwarkadhish has sent this for you.”
I opened it and tears filled my eyes. Inside the box was a small
peacock feather with a note from Krishna. “Ever since you left, I have
not worn this. I am waiting for you to return and put it back into my
headgear.”
“That rascal knows exactly how to tug at my heart strings,” I
muttered, but there was no way I could stop myself from returning
to Dwarka.
 Balarama Speaks 39

When I reached, the general assembly was in progress. Krishna

came forward to touch my feet, but I embraced him tightly, put the
peacock feather into his headgear and started to cry.
“I am terribly sorry Krishna! I don’t know what happened to me.”
“Dau, it is only your love for me which can’t bear the thought of
anything coming between us. But please believe me, I was helpless.
I could not even share my suspicions with you lest I wrongly impli-
cate a revered and senior member of our clan!” Saying this, he looked
towards uncle Akrur who came forward and said, “All this has
happened because of my greed. Satadhanva had left the jewel with
me and I could not resist the temptation of keeping it for my self.
Dwarkadhish, give me the severest possible punishment so that it
becomes an example for others!”
Krishna looked straight into his eyes and said, “Uncle Akrur, you
are one of the most respected members of our clan. How can Dau
and I ever forget the help and guidance you gave us during our en-
counter with King Kansa? The only punishment I can think for you
is that you continue as a minister of this court, keep the Syamantak
Mani, and ensure that its wealth is deployed for collective well-being.
It is only through genuine repentance that you can best respond to the
call of dharma and set an example to others.”
As uncle Akrur went to take his seat, I looked at my brother with a
mixture of awe, reverence, affection and pride. “It is not for nothing
that people experience him as divine!” I silently said to my self.

We were sitting together after dinner. Rukmini started, “You two

brothers are always worried about everyone. I wish you had the same
concern for your own family as well!”
“Why, what happened?” I queried.
“Do you realize our little sister Subhadra is no longer that little?
Have you done anything about finding a suitable groom for her?”
40 Part I

“Ha ha!” I responded. “Don’t you worry, dear sister-in-law. I am

not like your great husband. For me, my family always comes first. I
have already chosen the most suitable groom for our Subhadra. I hope
Krishna will agree with me!”
“That’s just like you,” Krishna retorted, “seeking my agreement
without even telling me who this most suitable groom is!”
“Well, who other than my most capable and devoted disciple,
Duryodhana? And our dear sister will become the queen of
Hastinapur—so what do you say?”
“How can I not go along with your choice? But I hope that is what
Subhadra wants. Have you checked with her?”
“What is there to check with her? It is for us to decide as to what is
best for her. Duryodhana is brave and handsome and I am sure that I can
convince him that Subhadra should be anointed his chief queen. I have
no doubt that our little sister will be over the moon at the prospect of
marrying the most eligible groom in all of Aryavarta. I was only worried
about your reaction, but now that you have agreed, everything is settled.
I will make arrangements to invite Duryodhana to Dwarka.”
Krishna kept quiet but I was feeling greatly relieved. I had been
somewhat apprehensive in light of Krishna’s antipathy towards
Duryodhana and his undue partiality towards Pandavas, especially
Arjuna. Not that I had anything against the brothers. In fact, I was
quite fond of them, especially Bhima, who was also one of my fav-
ourite disciples. The fatherless sons of aunt Kunti deserved all our
help and support but sometimes, I felt Krishna went overboard.
The generous help which he extended to the Pandavas in setting up
Indraprastha was understandable, but I thought that he should have
been more mindful of the envy which he was inadvertently evoking
in Duryodhana. I had even heard that Krishna was working towards
making Yudhisthira the chief emperor of Aryavarta, which I feared
may lead to future trouble. In any case, at least this issue had been
settled smoothly.
 Balarama Speaks 41

Over the next few days, all of Dwarka was abuzz with the news of
the forthcoming wedding. Duryodhana had accepted the invitation
with great delight and was expected to arrive in Dwarka very soon.
Krishna came to me and suggested, “Dau, why don’t you ask your
father-in-law to send his troops from the Revantak hill to welcome
Duryodhana? I am sure it will add to the grandeur of the occasion
and Duryodhana will be pleased.”
“I think that is a wonderful idea!” I agreed readily, without realizing
the consequences of this seemingly innocent request.
Just a few days before Duryodhana’s arrival, the news came
that Arjuna had eloped with Subhadra when she went to pray on
the Revantak hill. Since there were no troops there, Arjuna had no
difficulty in taking her away. Further, none of the neighbouring
kingdoms made any attempt to block the fleeing couple.
I was furious and went to Krishna. “Just what do you think of
yourself? You will do as you feel like, with out any concern for the
feelings and views of other people? Do you think that I do not see
through your games or realize that all this could not have happened
with out your connivance?”
He smiled enigmatically and said, “What have I done, Dau? It is
Subhadra’s choice which we must respect. Nevertheless, if you believe
that I have erred, then I am willing to accept any punishment that you
deem fit. If you like, I will leave Dwarka for good so that I am not a
hindrance to anyone.”
Not for the first time, he left me speechless. The next day, we all
left for Indraprastha to solemnize the wedding.
 CHAPTER 5

Duryodhana Speaks

“Ever since you have returned from Indraprastha, you have not been
your usual self,” remarked uncle Shakuni.
“How can I be—after all the humiliation that I suffered there!”
I responded glumly.
“Tell me about it.”
“Oh, you know most of it. The way that flat slob Bhima would keep
boasting about how he killed Jarasandha in a wrestling bout and then
look at me with disdain as though I can never match him. Arjuna would
not let any opportunity pass to remind me that Subhadra had prefer-
red him to me. And that righteous prig Yudhisthira very cunningly
made me in charge of collecting the gifts and offerings brought by all
the smaller kings to show their allegiance to the great emperor.”
“But of course the real purpose was to make you feel small.”
“Exactly, but the worst was still to come. They showed me around
their palace of illusions and did not even have the decency to warn
me about it. Naturally, I stumbled many times, mistaking a dry floor
for water and vice versa. When I slipped and fell, that stupid fellow
Bhima started laughing and mocking me like a moron. And to beat it
all, that shameless prostitute who sleeps with five men laughs at me
and says—what else can you expect of a blind man’s son? Imagine,
she did not even spare my poor old father!”
“I can see how badly you are hurting, but you know all their
arrogance is because of that cunning cowherd. I am sure Bhima could
 Duryodhana Speaks 43

not have killed Jarasandha without his help and he surely incited
Subhadra to elope with Arjuna. The glory of Indraprastha and the
emperor-hood of Yudhisthira is all because of that Krishna!” Uncle
Shakuni thought for a while and then went on, “My sources tell
me that right now he is occupied down south.”
“So what?”
“So, my dear nephew, this is the time to strike!”
“My god, you are absolutely right! We must attack Indraprastha
immediately! But how am I going to convince my cowardly father to
give me permission to do so?”
“Don’t be impetuous. Even if my great brother-in-law agrees with
us, Bhishma and Vidura will never support invasion of Indraprastha,
which means the army will be divided and it will become impossible
to beat the Pandavas, even without Krishna.”
“So what should I do—just keep sitting here like this?”
“No. We must counter their cunning with cunning.”
“What do you mean?”
“Invite Yudhisthira for a game of dice! As a kshatriya, he cannot
refuse! And you know his weakness for gambling!”
“And what if he wins? Or, even if I do win some of his wealth, what
real difference will it make?”
“You seem to have lost all faith in this old uncle of yours! Just
send the invitation, I will play on your behalf and you sit by and
watch the fun!”

“We won again!” shouted my brother Duhsasana as uncle Shakuni

smiled knowingly after rolling the dice. With that, Yudhisthira had
lost not just all his wealth but his entire kingdom.
“I have nothing more to stake,” Yudhisthira said ruefully.
44 Part I

“How sad,” said uncle Shakuni. “The luck of the dice is not going
your way at all. But I would like to give you another chance. How
about staking your brother Sahadeva? If you win, you can get back
all that you have lost so far.” He stopped for a while and then went
on. “The only problem is that he may not listen to you, after all he is
only a half brother to you.”
I smiled quietly to myself as I realized that uncle Shakuni was
pressing just the right buttons. How could Yudhisthira admit to not
being sure of the loyalty of his step-brothers? Predictably, he first staked
Sahadeva and then Nakula and needless to say, he lost both times.
“Tch, tch, tch… this is really unfortunate. Now you do not have
any step-brothers left! And I am sure you would not like to risk any
of your real brothers!”
Very cleverly, uncle Shakuni had trapped Yudhisthira in a web of
his own righteousness. In order to prove his impartiality, the poor
fellow first staked Arjuna then Bhima and finally himself. Each time
he lost.
“Well that’s that,” said Yudhisthira. “We are now your slaves and
will do as you command.”
“No, no! Don’t give up so easily!” uncle Shakuni persisted. “You
still have Draupadi! But then, she does not belong just to you but to
all five brothers!”
“You dare not do that! Or, I will burn those dice throwing hands
of yours!” shouted Bhima.
“Quiet, elder brother!” interrupted Arjuna. “This is not the time.
We must remain united and loyal to our eldest brother.”
“Poor Bhima,” I thought to myself. “This arrogant bastard, who
dared to mock me, is now gnashing his teeth in impotent rage”.
Draupadi was staked and lost. I jumped with glee. All the humili-
ations that I had suffered were about to be avenged. “Go and fetch her!”
I ordered my bodyguard. Soon, he returned, saying, “Queen Draupadi
 Duryodhana Speaks 45

has refused to come. She wants to know whether the Dharmaraj had
staked himself first or her?”
“You stupid fool, don’t address her as Queen Draupadi! She is
merely a slave now!” I then turned towards my younger brother
Duhsasana “That arrogant bitch thinks she is a great scholar and
wants to debate these finer points. Go and make her realize her true
situation! Drag her by her hair and bring her to me!”
Almost at once, I saw my brother dragging Draupadi by her hair
and bringing her into the royal assembly. She was pleading and shout-
ing, “How can all you great wise men allow this to happen? How
can you watch the humiliation of a helpless woman and just keep
sitting there? Even if all your honor and dignity have deserted you,
where is your sense of fairness? Grandsire, I ask you, if Yudhisthira
had already lost himself, what right did he have to stake me?”
Grandsire thought for a while and then replied, “The question you
raise is a complex one. However, even the most humble and lowliest
of slaves has rights over his wife.”
“Well said!” shouted Karna. “The issue is now settled. Duhsasana,
go ahead and strip this arrogant prostitute in front of the whole
assembly!”
“No—oh, please, save me!” Draupadi pleaded.
“There is no one to save you now!” I shouted “Come and sit here
on my lap!” I bared my thigh and invited her to sit on it.
“Wretched Duryodhana!” shouted Bhima. “Wait till I get a chance—
I promise you, I will break that thigh of yours and Duhsasana, be sure
I will tear open your chest and drink your blood!”
“Ha ha, rant as much as you want, you wretched slave! Duhsasana,
don’t you worry! He is our slave now and can do nothing. Just go
ahead and do as Karna says, strip their precious Draupadi of all her
pretensions of modesty!”
Duhsasana moved forward as Draupadi fell on the floor, raised her
arms and began to pray. “There is no one to save me, the elders have
46 Part I

deserted me and so have my five brave husbands. But what about you,
my lord, my friend, my protector, my Krishna? Where are you?”
Saying this, she rose. There was a steely resolve in her eyes now.
“Duhsasana come and touch me if you dare! I take an oath by all that
is sacred—this hair of mine will remain unbound until I have washed
it in your blood!”
It is difficult to say what happened next. Was it the name of Krishna
or was it the fire emanating from Draupadi’s eyes? We will never
know, but Duhsasana froze and it was as though the entire assembly
was spell-bound. No one moved an inch, father Dhritarashtra was
trembling visibly. Finally, he started to speak slowly.
“My dear daughter-in-law, the way this assembly, particularly my
own sons, have behaved towards you is inexcusable. But you have
shown the entire world the power of a virtuous woman which I am
sure will be remembered for centuries and you will be revered as one
of the most chaste women of all times. Please ask me for any boon
and it shall be granted!”
“All I seek is freedom for my husbands.”
“Of course, they will be freed. But you must ask for more!”
“No, respected father, this is enough for me. I have full faith in the
ability of my husbands to fulfill all my other needs and desires.”
“Spoken like a truly virtuous wife! I know you will not ask me for
anything else. However on my own, I declare that all the wealth and
the kingdom that Yudhisthira lost will be returned to him!”
I could not believe my ears. All our planning and effort was being
ruined by my own father in a moment of weakness. Was he so scared
of Krishna and the spell that the mere mention of his name seemed to
have cast over the assembly that he was willing to surrender in such
an abject manner? I wanted to scream in protest, but uncle Shakuni
restrained me and started speaking himself. “That is indeed very
gracious of the great king, but you should also be fair to the other
side. May I make a suggestion?”
 Duryodhana Speaks 47

“Go ahead.”
“I suggest that we have one more final game with predetermined
stakes. Whichever side loses will go into exile for a period of thirteen
years of which the last one will have to be incognito. In the event of
being recognized during the thirteenth year, the entire cycle will have
to be repeated.”
Mercifully, father agreed and of course, Yudhisthira had no choice
but to accept. Predictably, we won again and the Pandavas would be
out of my life for the next thirteen years. As always, I was left with
the feeling that all my victories get compromised by my very own
people. Nonetheless, thirteen years was not a short span of time.
 CHAPTER 6

Balarama Speaks

Daruka, Krishna’s charioteer, was the first person that I saw on

reaching the ashram of Acharya Angiras. “So, our information about
Krishna being here is correct,” I said to myself and then embraced
Daruka and asked him, “Where is my little brother? Take me to him.”
He took me to Krishna who bent down to touch my feet but I held
him in a tight embrace and said, “How could you do this to us? Leaving
Dwarka without a word to anyone and then not sending any news
for months. Do you realize how much pain and anguish you have
caused to your parents, your wives, children and all your near and
dear ones? Or, do we all mean nothing to you?”
He kept silent. I went on, “Anyway, what is done is done. Now
quickly get ready as all three of you are returning back to Dwarka
with me.”
“That is not possible,” he replied. “I have decided to stay here for
ever. Of course, Uddhava and Daruka can go back with you.”
“I am not going anywhere without you,” said Uddhava.
“Nor am I!” Daruka joined in.
“Ah I see!” I said. “Let us consult Acharya Angiras on this matter.”
“I know what he will say,” Krishna retorted. “He also wants me
to stay here!”
With great difficulty, I controlled my anger and said, “In any case,
let me meet him and pay my respects to him.”
 Balarama Speaks 49

After resting for a while, we went to see the Acharya. The customary
greetings were exchanged and then, I took everyone by surprise by
placing my golden crown at his feet. “My brothers have decided to
stay here with you. We all know that once Krishna makes up his
mind, nobody can change it. As their elder, it is my duty to look after
them. Please accept me as your disciple so that I can stay here with
my brothers and look after them.”
The Acharya smiled and said, “You know that is not possible!”
“Why not?”
“Because you are the crown prince of Dwarka. If I accept you as a
disciple, I am sure your father King Vasudeva will also renounce
Dwarka and then there will be nobody to look after it. Moreover, since
all this will happen because of me, I will have no choice but to leave this
ashram as penance and then, even this place will be orphaned!”
He was silent for a while and then turned towards Krishna. “I have
already taught you all that I could. Now, I want the three of you to
return and live my teachings in your every day life.”
The three of them bent down to touch Acharya’s feet and said,
“So be it!”

I was ecstatic beyond words. How would have I faced Rukmini and
the others if I had not succeeded in bringing Krishna back? I knew
that to get Krishna to do anything against his will was impossible
and no one knows what goes on within his head, but thank god, my
stratagem worked and now all of us were riding back to Dwarka.
I looked at him lovingly and asked, “But what made you leave Dwarka
in this manner?”
“I do not know for sure myself,” he replied. “Perhaps, it is not in my
nature to remain in any one place. Besides, all the events in Hastinapur
had left me deeply disturbed. More than the events, I could not
reconcile myself to what it revealed about human nature. How could
50 Part I

a person like Yudhisthira get so carried away in a game of dice that

he disgraces himself, his brothers and his wife and then goes on to
lose everything all over again? How could such wise men like Bhishma
and Vidura let Draupadi be humiliated in their presence? How could
the courageous Bhima and Arjuna mortgage their sense of honour to
a false sense of loyalty towards their brother? How could a brave and
honorable man like Karna utter the words that he did?”
“Perhaps,” he went on, “the most important mystery of existence
lies in the minds and hearts of human beings. It is to solve some of
these riddles and find some peace for my self that I decided to go to
Acharya Angiras.”
I kept looking at him as he was talking. Beneath the divinity, I saw
a tender and soft human being. I embraced him tightly. For once, my
characteristic loud laughter deserted me and I had tears in my eyes.

I decided not to enter the city and camped just outside Hastinapur.
Hopefully, that stupid Duryodhana would get the message. I could
not figure out what was wrong with this man. He must be out of his
mind if he thought that he could imprison Krishna’s son Shambh
and get away with it. Shambh had been upset that Duryodhana did
not invite the Yadavas for the swayamvara ceremony of his daughter
Lakshmanaa, and without consulting any of us, had abducted
Lakshmanaa. Understandably, Duryodhana was furious and sent
his entire army led by stalwarts like Karna, after that single youth.
They managed to capture Shambh and Lakshmanaa but then, instead
of thinking about the whole episode calmly, Duryodhana decided
to imprison Shambh, foolishly believing that it would give him an
upper hand vis a vis Krishna! The stupid arrogant fellow did not
realize that, had it not been for me, by now he would have been a
dead man. What a difficult time I had restraining Krishna! He was
completely ready to attack Hastinapur to secure the release of his
son. It was only after I requested him to let me handle the situation
that he relented.
 Balarama Speaks 51

“Sir, King Duryodhana has sent a messenger to you,” my orderly

informed me.
“Send him in.”
The messenger appeared with folded hands and said, “King
Duryodhana will feel honoured if you were to accept his invitation
to enter the city and stay with him at his palace. It will give him an
opportunity to show the deep respect that he has for you.”
“Go and tell your king that I have not come here to enjoy his hos-
pitality. I have come here to secure the release of my dear nephew
and till that happens, I can enter the city only as an enemy and not
as a friend!”
Soon after the messenger had left, Duryodhana himself came to me.
He touched my feet and said, “Gurudev, why are you so angry with
this devoted disciple of yours?”
“What else do you expect? How could you dare to imprison my
dear nephew?”
“But it was his fault, he abducted my daughter!”
“Don’t forget that you started the whole process by not inviting
the Yadavas to your daughter’s swayamvara. In any case, now that
you know that Lakshmanaa herself wants to marry Shambh, why are
you unnecessarily flirting with danger?”
“What do you mean?”
“Had I not intervened, you would have been dead by now. Do you
think you can withstand Krishna’s wrath?”
“I am not scared of any one and certainly not of that cowherd!”
“Don’t forget your teacher is also a cowherd and by insulting his
younger brother you are in fact insulting your own Gurudev! If you
believe that you can stand up to Krishna then even God can’t help
you. Have you forgotten the fate of Shishupala, Jarasandha and that
Pondurak who had the audacity to call himself Vasudev?”
Duryodhana was silent. After a pause, I went on. “Here was an
excellent opportunity for you to mend your fences with Krishna and
52 Part I

you have managed to convert it into a calamity. Do you realize how

beneficial it can be for you if your daughter is married to his son?”
“I am not sure that it will make any difference. His fondness for
Pandavas is so great that he will always support them against us.”
“You are wrong. Krishna will only support the side which he believes
is upholding dharma. However, through this marital alliance you can
at least balance the issue of familial loyalty.”
“Gurudev, I will do as you direct me, but please consider one
request of mine.”
“No! No preconditions! You must release Shambh immediately!”
“It is not a pre-condition. And of course, I will not only release
Shambh but also arrange for his marriage with Lakshmanaa. But, as
your favourite and most beloved disciple, I seek one favour from you.”
“What?”
“Assure me that in the event of a war between us and the Pandavas,
you will be on our side.”
“I cannot promise you that, because under no circumstance can
Krishna and I be on opposite sides. The best I can do is to give you
my word that I will not fight against you.”
“That is enough for me.” He touched my feet and left.
I was left with mixed feelings. On one hand, I was happy that I
had succeeded in securing Shambh’s release and had also managed to
protect Duryodhana from Krishna’s wrath. On the other hand, I was
uneasy about the “word” that I had given to Duryodhana. “What
made me do that?” I asked myself. It was not really necessary because
Duryodhana would have done as I asked, in any case. I also started
wondering whether, irrespective of my promise to him, I would have
the heart to fight against him. What did he really mean to me? Was
it just my fondness for a devoted disciple or was there some thing
more?
 CHAPTER 7

Bhima Speaks

We had been in the forest for several years after leaving Hastinapur.
Mother Kunti stayed back with uncle Vidura, while all the wives,
except Draupadi, had gone to their parental homes along with their
children. Subhadra and her son Abhimanyu were in Dwarka and
Draupadi’s five sons were in Panchala, all being trained by Draupadi’s
brother, Drishtadyumna for the inevitable combat with the Kauravas.
Yudhisthira kept himself busy with discourses on the intricacies of
dharma with the large retinue of sages who had accompanied us, for
which I had little patience. Arjuna had gone up north in pursuit of
celestial weapons. We all missed him, especially Draupadi. While she
was married to all five of us, and had never given anyone any cause to
complain, I knew that secretly, she pined only for Arjuna. However,
a new intimacy had started to develop between her and me. I think
I am the only one who truly understood the intensity of her rage at the
humiliation which she suffered in the Kuru assembly in Hastinapur.
Between her and me, we kept reminding Yudhisthira of that dreadful
event, lest the pacifist in him deter him from the task ahead. I suspect
this was also the primary reason that mother Kunti chose to stay back.
Perhaps her presence in Hastinapur would be a constant reminder to
Yudhisthira of the scores to be settled there.
One day, when Draupadi and I were sitting and chatting, a beautiful
flower was swept in by the wind and dropped in front of us.
“Bhima, what a lovely flower! It has such divine fragrance and it
seems to be covered in gold!”
“Yes. I wonder where it came from.”
54 Part I

“It seems to have come from the north-east, Oh! how I wish I had
a hundred such flowers so that I could make a garland out of them to
welcome Arjuna when he returns!”
Having said this, she was a little awkward, not knowing how I would
react to this reference to Arjuna. But I did not mind at all. I got up and
started walking in the direction from which the flower had come.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Your wish is my command. You wait here and I will bring
thousands of such flowers for you!”
“Don’t be silly. It was just a momentary whim!”
“I wish you knew what the smallest of your whims means to me,”
I said and quickly began my journey.

I followed the scent of the flowers and charged ahead like a hur-
ricane, unmindful of the wild animals and thick undergrowth of the
forest. Soon, I encountered an enormous old monkey-like creature
lying in my path.
“Get away. I am in great hurry!”
“This path leads to the golden city of King Kubera and no living
creature is allowed to pass this way. I am here to guard this pathway,”
responded the creature, meekly.
I laughed aloud. “You think an old, frail creature like you can stop
the mighty Bhima? Get lost and let me go!”
“Why don’t you jump over me and go?”
“I can easily do that but my code of honour prevents me from
jumping over a creature, particularly an old and helpless fellow like
you”.
“You can see I am old and unable to move. Be kind enough and
move my tail a little bit, so that your path is clear.”
 Bhima Speaks 55

“What a stubborn creature,” I muttered to myself as I bent down

to move his tail. But try as I might, using all my strength, I just could
not move that tail by even a fraction of an inch. Suddenly, it dawned
on me that this monkey was no ordinary creature. I folded my hands,
touched his feet and said, “Revered sir, who are you? I am sure you
are not any ordinary creature!”
He got up, laughed aloud and said, “At last you have recognized
your elder brother! I am Hanuman, the devotee of lord Rama and just
like you, the son of Wind-god.”
“How fortunate I am to meet my elder brother like this!” I touched
his feet again and requested him to show me the magical form which
had enabled him to cross the mighty ocean in one giant leap.
He obliged and soon he had become so large that I could see nothing
but him. I felt like a tiny speck of dust in his presence. He then returned
to his normal size and said, “Now go! Take this path and it will lead
you to your destination, but never forget that your elder brother is a
primate and no matter how strong you are, in front of primal energy,
you are nothing!”
“When will I see you again?” I asked.
“In the great war, I will assist you by my presence on your younger
brother Arjuna’s flag!”
“Why there?”
“Because it is only when primal energy combines with human
endeavour, which Arjuna embodies, in the divine presence of Lord
Krishna that success and well-being for all is achieved!”
I am not sure that I fully understood the import of what he said at
the time, but I was in too much of a hurry to think about it and quickly
resumed my journey after saying good bye to him.

Soon, I reached the gates of the golden city and could see the pond
with thousands of beautiful, golden lotus flowers.
56 Part I

“Who are you and what are you doing here?” asked the guard.
“I am Bhima, the second Pandava, and I have come to collect some
of these beautiful flowers for my wife,” I replied coolly.
“Do you think they are your father’s property?” he said disdainfully.
“They belong to our king, the great Kubera!”
“Fine, then take me to him and I will seek his permission to take
some of these flowers. I am sure he will not refuse me.”
“Ha, ha! As though you are lord Indra himself and our king is
just waiting to receive you with a red carpet! Run, if you care for
your life!”
“How dare you threaten me like this? Come forward, if you want
to test your prowess against the might of Bhima!” Saying this, I caught
hold of him by his neck, grabbed his arms and threw him on the ground
with such ferocity that the rest of the guards fled immediately.
Having taken care of the guards, I jumped straight into the pond
and started to pluck the flowers when a new set of soldiers descended
upon me. A fierce battle ensued and we fought for several hours.
I had managed to eliminate most of them when I heard my brother
Yudhisthira’s voice, “Stop it, Bhima!” Apparently he, Draupadi and
my two younger brothers had come all this way looking for me.
Seeing the carnage before him, Yudhisthira chastised me. “Why are
you killing these innocent people unnecessarily?”
“Innocent people? You should have heard the way they were talk-
ing to me. Besides, they were stopping me from fulfilling the desire
of my beloved.”
“They were only doing their duty and surely your beloved’s desire
is not more important than lives of so many people.”
“You forget, elder brother, that even the great lord Rama chased
the golden deer to fulfill his wife’s desire!”
“And what happened as a result of that? You seem to have forgotten
the misery and destruction which was caused by that one single
whim.”
 Bhima Speaks 57

We were about to get into our usual argument when King Kubera
appeared on the scene. He greeted us warmly and enquired about the
disturbance. I explained the situation to him and he was extremely
understanding about the entire affair. “My people should have
informed me about this matter. If I had only known that Queen
Draupadi desired these flowers, I would have gladly sent the entire
lot to her. In any case, please keep all the flowers. I would also like to
offer a small gift of one lac golden coins to Queen Draupadi”.
“No, no! I can’t possibly accept that. Dharmaraj is right, I should
have more control over my desires,” said Draupadi.
I was a little peeved by her statement, but before I could say anything
Kubera intervened.
“Lady, I have already gifted them to you, and I will feel terrible if you
refuse to accept my gift. Please take it and do with it as you wish”
“I appreciate your generosity, Your Highness, and cannot think
of displeasing you. However, I would like to see all this wealth used
for the benefit of all the tribals who live in the forests surrounding
your great city.”
“Splendid idea,” said Kubera, with exaggerated courtesy and in
a slightly patronizing manner. “I myself have been thinking about
how to bring the civilized city dwellers and primitive tribals closer to
each other. Now that you suggest it, I will take some concrete steps
in this direction and would like some help and guidance from the
great Bhima.”
“Why me?” I was totally taken aback.
“Because no one represents the integration between the civilized
Aryans and the primitive tribals better than you, my dear Bhima!
Isn’t your marriage to the tribal Hidimbi a living proof of that? Your
alliance with her, in my view, is on par with that of the great sage
Vishwamitra and the tribal Shambari.”
I didn’t know whether he was praising me or mocking me. I had
never seen my marriage with Hidimbi in such exalted terms, for me
58 Part I

it was nothing more than two human beings liking each other and
wanting to live together. Nevertheless, all this profound stuff coming
right after my encounter with brother Hanuman made me a little
uneasy and made me think. For me, life had been a simple matter of
fulfilling one’s appetites, looking after one’s loved ones and taking care
of evil doers like Duryodhana and Duhsasana. Was there something
that I was missing here?

It was a totally new experience for me. I always enjoyed food more
than anything else, but now I learned that feeding others can be an
equally enjoyable experience.
As per the terms of our bet, the thirteenth year of exile had to be
spent incognito. After great deliberation, we picked on Virata, the last
place Duryodhana would expect us to be in. Elder brother Yudhisthira,
who was called Kanka, became a companion-cum-advisor to the king.
Nakula was looking after the king’s stable and Sahadeva looked after
the cows. I was called Ballabha and had been appointed the chief cook
in the king’s kitchen. But the funniest disguise was that of Arjuna
who, as eunuch Brihanalla, taught dance to the king’s daughter Uttara
and her friends. Imagine his plight—being surrounded by so many
beautiful women and having to act as a eunuch! I hoped that he would
be able keep up the pretense.
Draupadi was called Sairindhari and she had been taken into the
services of the queen who was mighty pleased with her because with all
her skills, Draupadi has made the queen look a lot younger and much
more beautiful. Even the king spent a lot more time with his wife those
days. Though Draupadi had taken ample care to keep herself out of
lime light, the talk of her immense beauty started doing the rounds.
Since this could spell potential trouble, we planted the story that she
was constantly guarded by celestial forces which were friends of her
husband. By and large, this worked well till queen’s brother Kichaka,
who was also the commander in chief, returned to the city. Everyone
 Bhima Speaks 59

knew of Kichaka’s power and influence in the kingdom, even the king
was somewhat scared of him.

On that fateful day, Draupadi came running to me, sobbing

uncontrollably.
“Oh my god! Why did I have to see this day—being disgraced
like this!”
“What happened?” I asked.
“The queen asked me to take some wine to that lecherous Kichaka
and the fellow started misbehaving with me. All my pleadings,
protests and threats of celestial powers fell on deaf ears. Somehow, I
managed to extricate myself and ran away, but the wicked man chased
me right upto the palace. I went into the king’s court and found him
playing dice with Kanka. Can you believe what Kanka said to me?”
“What?”
“He merely glanced at me casually and told me that it was no place
for a lady to be in and that I should just go back into the inner chamber.
And then, he coolly went back to his game! I wonder if anything ever
affects Dharmaraj!”
“I think that was rather clever of him, allowing you to escape
without precipitating a crisis. In any case, the king is helpless in front
of this Kichaka!”
“I know all that, but it does not solve my problem. What am I to
do with Kichaka who is getting bolder by the day?”
“I can, of course, kill him but that may jeopardise our anonymity.”
“No, no, we can not risk that. We have to find another way.”
I thought for a while and then an idea struck me. I told her, “Go
without worry. Just be nice to Kichaka and then invite him to your
room to-night.”
60 Part I

“What do you mean?” she asked anxiously.

I winked at her saying, “Do as I tell you and leave the rest to me.”
Finally the penny dropped. She smiled at me and left.

That night, when Kichaka entered Sairindhari’s room, he found the

lights were dim, there was a fragrant smell of incense and beautiful
flowers, and a decorated bed on which he saw a woman lying with
her head turned away. “How very romantic,” he muttered to himself
and made his amorous advances.
Poor fellow—he did not know what hit him when I grabbed
him by his neck, threw him down and sat on top of his chest. He tried
to fight me but was no match for me and soon he was dead. I left
immediately.

The next morning the entire city was abuzz with the news of
Kichaka’s death. It not only brought tremendous relief to the com-
mon people who had suffered merciless oppression from him, it also
let the king breathe easy. And, of course, it lent further credence to
the story about Sairindhari’s celestial protectors.
However, while the story helped in diverting attention from us,
it created another complication. Kichaka’s brothers and supporters
started claiming that Sairindhari was possessed by evil spirits and
hence must be cremated along with Kichaka as she was responsible
for his death. The king was unable to put his foot down and stop this
nonsense and we had another crisis at hand. I consulted Sahadeva.
“What should we do? Should we get our celestial weapons from
their hiding place and declare war against these wretched people?”
“If we do that, our real identity will be revealed and the thirteenth
year has not ended so far,” he replied.
 Bhima Speaks 61

“You are right, but we have to do some thing!” I thought for a

while and then added, “Do one thing, take your cows to graze in the
forest near the funeral ground and ask our other three brothers to
accompany you as ordinary cowherds. All of you carry only ordinary
weapons with you. I will take care of the rest.”
I wore a suitable disguise and sat atop a tree under which the
funeral procession was to pass. Soon, hundreds of people came by,
beating drums and shouting curses at Sairindhari who had been
tied to Kichaka’s dead body. Just as they reached the spot where I was,
I jumped upon them with such ferocity that they were totally taken by
surprise. There was huge commotion and every body started running
in utter panic. My brothers, who were hiding near by, started drag-
ging them into the forest and killed them with ease. The first thing
I did was to untie Sairindhari so that she could leave in safety, and
then I started demolishing Kichaka’s supporters with great relish.
Soon, we were all back at our respective stations in the city.
There were only a few days left for our thirteen year ordeal to end,
after which we would be able to reclaim our rightful dues, though I
wasn’t too sure that the wicked Duryodhana would let us have them
very easily.
 CHAPTER 8

Duryodhana Speaks

The war was now virtually a certainty. No one had expected the feeble
attempts at reconciliation to yield any result and predictably, they did
not. Krishna, who had come as an emissary of the Pandavas, demanded
that since the Pandavas had completed their thirteen years of exile,
their part of the kingdom should be restored to them. I argued that in
fact the Pandavas had been identified within the thirteenth year and
hence must go through another cycle of exile. Further, the Pandavas
had lost their kingdom, fair and square, in a game of dice and so there
was no question of their getting even a needle point of land from us.
Krishna, of course, disputed this and insisted that the Pandavas had
been identified only after completion of the thirteenth year, and that it
was understood that on their return, their part of the kingdom would
be returned to them.
We argued for a while and then Krishna, as is his wont, started
preaching dharma to me on the one hand and threatening me with
prowess of Arjuna and Bhima on the other. This was too much for me
to take and in a moment of rashness, I tried to capture and kill him
right there. That was not a very smart thing for me to do. Not only did
Krishna manage to escape, but it strengthened the myth of his divinity
and invincibility. The old fogies like the grandsire and uncle Vidura
never let go of any opportunity to wax eloquent about Krishna’s
divinity which only frightened my poor old father and demoralized
the rest. There was nothing worse than being surrounded by people
whose loyalties were with the enemy, but such was my lot. I could not
even get rid of them, for it might have created large scale dissension
 Duryodhana Speaks 63

and internal strife. In order to keep everyone together, I had no choice

but to suffer these fools.

While Karna and I were confident of getting the better of Pandavas

in the war, not many shared our optimism. One day, mother Gandhari
summoned me to her chamber and said, “I believe you refused
Krishna’s offer for a settlement and even tried to kill him.”
“I had no other choice, considering the way he was talking and
the airs he was putting on, as though all of us are at the mercy of his
prowess and his sense of Dharma which, for some reason, is always
in favour of the Pandavas and always against me!”
“I am not concerned with any of that. All I know is that you are
all that I have and I do not like the path you have chosen, especially
the animosity with Krishna.”
“Why are all of you so worried about Krishna? You may think
of him as God, but for me he is nothing more than a manipulative
cowherd!”
“Now you are talking like your uncle who seems to have filled you
with poison!”
“You seem to be forgetting that my uncle is also your brother and
it is you who entrusted me to his care!”
“That was my mistake, but it is still not too late for you to mend
your ways. After all, they are only asking for five villages. Why don’t
you give it to them so that we can all live in peace?”
“It is not a question of five villages. The issue is my sense of honour.
How can I give away something over which they have no right? I am a
kshatriya and it is my duty to protect every inch of land that I possess.
I cannot let them have even a needle point of land and be constantly
reminded of their presence and their so called legitimate claim. I want
them out of my life, period.”
64 Part I

“The easiest way to do that will be to focus on what you have rather
than worry about what they have or don’t have. Look at it this way—
you have a great and prosperous kingdom, doting parents, loving and
devoted wives, children, brothers and subjects. What more do you
want? Why can’t you be satisfied and contented with all this?”
“Because I like to be discontent!” I shouted back. “Because I am
not one of those who simply moan about their bad luck! If fate has
been cruel to me, I have to take matters into my own hand and do the
best that I can!” I abruptly turned and walked away before she could
say any thing.

Once the war had become inevitable, both sides were busy trying to
put together their respective alliances. Though I didn’t expect much
help from the Yadavas, with the possible exception of Balarama, I still
thought it prudent to visit Dwarka. I knew that Balarama would not
entertain me until I had made my peace with Krishna, so I decided to
visit him first.
When I reached Krishna’s chamber, I found him reclining on his bed
with his eyes closed. Whether he was actually asleep or only pretending,
I will never know. In any case, I took a chair near his head and waited
patiently. Shortly thereafter, Arjuna also arrived and sat near Krishna’s
feet. When Krishna opened his eyes, he greeted Arjuna warmly
“How nice to see you! What brings you here?”
Before Arjuna could respond, I interjected.
“Dwarkadhish, I am also here and in fact, I arrived before Arjuna”.
“Is that so? But I saw Arjuna first, and in any case, he is younger
to you so I must listen to him first.”
“Dwarkadhish, as you very well know, our cousins, the Kauravas,
have refused to accept our legitimate demands. We were even willing
to compromise and arrive at a settlement, but they are not willing to
 Duryodhana Speaks 65

budge an inch. Now, the war has become inevitable. I have come to
seek your blessings, guidance and support,” said Arjuna.
Before Krishna could respond, I butted in again. “But that is
precisely the purpose of my visit also and Dwarkadhish, since you
have equal family ties with us, you can not refuse me!”
“That is quite so,” said Krishna after a while, and then went on, “I
cannot refuse either of you. Hence, I propose to divide my help and
support in two parts and give one to each of you.”
“But how will you decide as to who gets which part?” I asked.
“The first choice must be given to Arjuna since I saw him first and
also because he is younger.”
“In which case you have to ensure that the parts are equitable,”
I protested.
“I am sure, Duryodhana, you will not have any reason to complain,”
he countered and then went on to address Arjuna.
“One part will consist of my entire Narayani brigade whose cap-
ability and valour is well known to all, and the other part will be me
alone. However, I will remain unarmed and will take no direct part
in the combat except providing auxiliary services like tending the
wounded, participating in discussions and driving the chariot. Take
which ever part you wish.”
I could barely contain myself. I had not expected any help from
Krishna but this was turning out to be much worse. Not only would
Arjuna walk away with the entire Narayani brigade, but I would
be forced to keep this useless, cunning Krishna in my camp where
he would have access to all our plans and secrets. It is bad enough
having to cope with the likes of the grandsire and uncle Vidura, now
I would also have to tolerate this manipulative cowherd and his inane
lectures on dharma!
However, I realized that my anxiety was unnecessary because
Arjuna, too, was placed in a difficult double bind. In order to lay his
66 Part I

hands on the Narayani brigade, he would have to desert his friend

philosopher and guide. I smiled to myself as Arjuna began to speak
with out any hesitation.
“All I need is your blessings and guidance. Let Duryodhana have
the Narayani brigade. For me, you are enough!”
“Then it is settled,” said Krishna and turned towards me. “I hope
the arrangement is to your satisfaction.”
I could barely contain my excitement, but managed to say with a
straight face, “Whatever Dwarkadhish deems fit!”

Next, I went to meet Balarama, and after briefing him about these
developments, I sought his support. He replied, “Duryodhana, you
know that Krishna and I cannot be on the opposite sides. However,
I have also given my word to both you and your daughter that I will
not fight against you. Therefore, I have decided to remain neutral
and not join either side. I plan to go on a pilgrimage along with
some of Krishna’s sons and a few other Yadava chiefs who have also
decided to be neutral. I believe Satyaki has decided to fight on the side
of Pandavas and Kritavarma on yours. Both you and Pandavas are
dear to me and all I can do is to wish both of you well.”
“Overall, the Dwarka visit has gone much better than expected,”
I said to myself. “Hopefully, it will silence some of the prophets of
doom back home.”

The war had been going on for fourteen days and it had been
quite a roller coaster ride. On the whole, things had not gone well
for us but it could all have changed the day Karna took on Arjuna
in direct combat. If he had managed to get the better of Arjuna, as
he should have, then we could still have won inspite of our earlier
reverses. The only problem was that Karna had already used up his
 Duryodhana Speaks 67

most potent weapon in order to neutralize Bhima’s son Ghatotkacha,

but he had no other choice. The havoc that demonic Ghatotkacha un-
leashed that night would have meant the end for all of us had Karna
not killed him.

In fact, our problems began right at the beginning. With the lack-
luster leadership provided by the grandsire in the first ten days, the
Pandavas gained the initial advantage. All my coaxing was met with
the same stupid advice, “We are destined to lose, go and make a truce
with the Pandavas!” I wish I hadn’t had to make him the generalissimo
but I had to do that in order to keep everyone together. The worst
part of those ten days was that Karna could not take the field because
of the animosity between him and the grandsire. It was only towards
the end that the grandsire started showing his true prowess and even
at this ripe old age, he was peerless in battle. During those last two
days, he fought with such ferocity that there was utter panic in the
Pandava ranks and we began to sense victory. But then he spoiled it all
by confiding to Pandavas the secret of how to tackle him. Predictably,
the next day the Pandavas fielded Draupadi’s brother Shikhandi in
battle. Since Shikhandi had been a woman in his previous birth,
grandsire, bound by his own code, could not take up arms against
him which enabled Arjuna, who was standing behind Shikhandi, to
shoot at grandsire and thus, eliminate him from the battle.
This was a blessing in disguise because it brought Karna into the
equation. Ideally, I would have liked to anoint him generalissimo, but
prudence dictated otherwise and I chose our teacher, Dronacharya.
While the Acharya also had a soft corner for the Pandavas, particularly
for Arjuna, his love for his own son, Ashwatthama, who is one of my
closest allies, would make him give a better account of himself. I was
proved right as the next few days brought many victories for our side.
The crowning glory came on the thirteenth day when we managed
to kill Arjuna’s son, Abhimanyu. That day, the Acharya sent a troop
of suicide warriors to draw Arjuna away from the battlefield. In the
68 Part I

meantime, he set up the Cakravyuha formation which only Arjuna

knew how to pierce. Apparently, Abhimanyu knew how to enter the
Cakravyuha, but did not know how to get out of it. The Pandavas
asked him to lead the charge, hoping to back him with reinforcements
once he had broken the formation. However, my brother-in-law,
Jayadratha, managed to close the Cakravyuha before any help could
reach Abhimanyu, thus isolating him. We surrounded him and though
he resisted us for a long time, we managed to kill him.

Acharya Drona fought valiantly and was seemingly invincible,

and then the Pandavas came up with their dirtiest trick, no doubt at
the behest of that cunning cowherd. Bhima killed an elephant named
Ashwatthama and started shouting “I have killed Ashwatthama!”
Everyone thought he must have killed the Acharya’s son. Acharya
Drona just could not believe it and decided to ask Yudhisthira, believing
that the Dharmaraj would never lie. But that supposed embodiment of
righteous conduct lied through his teeth. “Yes, Ashwatthama has been
killed!” To keep up the pretense of his truthfulness, he muttered under
his breath, “The animal not the human.” What hypocrisy! Obviously,
the rejoinder was not meant for the Acharya’s ears who by then, was so
distraught that he threw away his weapons and sat down in his chariot.
Seizing the opportunity, the shameless brother of Draupadi, the wicked
Drishtadyumna, immediately beheaded the Acharya.

But for all these foul means adopted by the Pandavas, the war would
have been long over. Still there was hope, I was sure Karna who was
the new chief, would be able to pull it off for us.
There was a huge commotion. A messenger came running to me
“Sir, Bhima has killed Duhsasana and now he is tearing his limbs and
drinking his blood!”
I saw red, picked up my mace and ran towards them even as
I heard more deafening victory chants from the Pandava camp.
 Duryodhana Speaks 69

Another messenger was coming towards me. “Sir, Angaraj Karna has
been slain by Arjuna!”
“No!!” I screamed.
“Yes sir, Angaraj fought bravely and was even getting the better of
Arjuna when, unfortunately, his chariot wheel got stuck in the mud.
He asked Arjuna for a temporary cease fire till he could repair the
wheel. Arjuna agreed, but his charioteer Krishna kept inciting him,
“Don’t stop Arjuna! He does not deserve fair play! Have you forgotten
how he conspired to kill Abhimanyu when he was all alone? Have
you forgotten how he humiliated Draupadi? Go ahead and shoot him
through his heart!” And Arjuna did precisely that.
“Oof, that cunning cowherd again!” I screamed and slumped to
the ground.

For once, I trusted that cunning cowherd and now I have to pay
for it with my life. Mother Gandhari had asked me to appear before
her without any clothes, and as I was pondering over my dilemma,
I had the misfortune of running into that manipulative bastard. Very
innocently, he said to me, “I know what your predicament is, but
there is a simple solution to it”
“What?” I asked.
“Go to her with a banana leaf which can cover your private parts.
The banana leaf can not be regarded as an item of clothing and
hence you can fulfill her command without showing any disrespect
to her.”
That seemed reasonable enough, but I should have known that
when it came to Krishna, nothing was as simple and straight for-
ward as it might have seemed. No wonder mother Gandhari was
furious when she took off the blind fold which she had been wearing
ever since her marriage to my blind father. “You fool!” she screamed
at me. “Why didn’t you do as I had asked? I wanted to make your
70 Part I

entire body indestructible through the divine powers vested in me.

Now the portion of your body covered by the banana leaf will remain
vulnerable!”
And so it was. In our duel, Bhima kept hitting various parts of my
body with no effect, till Krishna gestured to him to attack my thighs,
which he did and incapacitated me with one blow. Gurudev Balarama,
who had just returned from his pilgrimage and had been appointed
the referee for our fight, was furious at this infringement but the blow
had already been stuck. He picked up his mace and shouted at Bhima,
“How dare you hit your opponent below the belt? I am going to finish
you off right here!” I am sure he would have done precisely that but
Krishna intervened. “Dau, Bhima has done no wrong. It is Kauravas
who started flouting all the rules of fair warfare. Besides, Bhima had
taken an oath to break Duryodhana’s thighs after that wretched dice
game. How can a kshatriya not fulfill his oath?”
Balarama was not convinced but what could he do, other than
leave in a huff.
Now I am lying here with my shattered thighs and wondering if
anyone at all has been left on our side. One by one, I have seen them
being vanquished—all my brothers, my dearest friend Karna, Guru
Drona, uncle Shakuni, brother-in-law Jayadratha, and thousands of
allies and common soldiers.

I hear footsteps. As I look up I see Ashwatthama, Kripacharya and

Kritavarma standing besides me. Ashwatthama is crying “Oh, my dear
friend! What have they done to you? I will not let this go un-avenged.
Give me the orders, my lord, and I shall make them pay for it!”
I quietly anoint Ashwatthama the next commander-in chief and
say to him, “I have lived my life like a true kshatriya and I am sure
I will go to heaven but before leaving this earth, I want to see complete
destruction of the Pandava clan.’
 Duryodhana Speaks 71

“It shall be so!” he says and they leave.

I lie on the ground wondering whether my wish to see the destruc-
tion of Pandavas will ever be fulfilled, a wish which has been more
important than anything else, including my own life.

It is nearing mid-night and I can hear the wild animals approach-

ing cautiously, no doubt with the intention of feasting on my body.
Suddenly, I hear loud voices coming from a distance. I drag myself
over with some difficulty and see a huge ball of fire rising not too far
away. I can feel people running and hear them shouting. It seems the
Pandava camp has been set on fire, so my friend Ashwatthama seems
to have fulfilled his promise. At last, fortune has smiled on me. At
the very end of my life, my greatest mission is being accomplished. The
Pandavas are no more. Hopefully, the entire clan has been destroyed.
With great sense of relief and satisfaction, I see the fire raging some
distance away and experience a gradual dousing of the fire which has
been raging inside me for decades.
“Are you happy now?” I hear a soft murmur beside me.
“Who are you?” I ask.
“Don’t you recognize me? I am Suyodhana—your other half, the
person you had strangled and put inside the dungeons of your heart,
surrounded by this raging fire. Now that fire has been doused, I
managed to creep out.”
“Oh! It is you, the person who tried to put all kinds of obstacles
in my path.”
“You always thought of me as your enemy, didn’t you?”
“There was no reason to think otherwise. You always seemed to
agree with all those old fogies who were constantly opposing me.”
“And kept warning you against your so called friends like uncle
Shakuni,” he interjected.
72 Part I

“Why do you say ‘so called’? Uncle Shakuni was the only one who
tried to support and guide me. With out him, I may have been dead
long ago.”
“And then, maybe I could have lived. But I didn’t want to live
without you. I always wanted to befriend you but you kept pushing
me away.”
“What else could I do? If you had your way, you would have made
me like that self-righteous hypocrite Yudhisthira.”
“Why are you so angry with him? He was always affectionate
and considerate towards you, and he never tried to harm you in any
manner.”
“Excuse me! That hypocrite was affectionate and considerate
towards me? You must be out of your mind! Of course, he always
managed to utter the politically right things, but when it came to the
crunch, he conveniently forgot all his dharma. Have you forgotten
how he lied to Acharya Drona and caused his death?”
“His one half-truth you remember but what about all his other
actions? Have you forgotten that it was he who sent Bhima and Arjuna
to rescue you when you had been captured by the yakshas in the forest?
After all that you had done to the Pandavas, one would have expected
him to rejoice at your plight, but in stead he not only sympathized
with you but even saved your life. But for him, you would have been
dead a long time ago!”
“Have you come here only to praise my enemies? And then you
claim that you want to befriend me! Please go away, I don’t want to
listen to this nonsense any more.”
“No, I have not come here to praise Yudhisthira, or any one else.
I have only come to ask you why you have been so cruel and con-
temptuous towards me. After all I am a part of you, aren’t I?”
“I wish you weren’t. Of what use is a puny, whining and weak
fellow like you to me? Or to any body else, for that matter?”
 Duryodhana Speaks 73

Suyodhana keeps quiet for a long time and then starts to speak
again. Now his tone is a lot more self-assured
“You know, I used to think just like that. In fact, I used to envy
you for your strength and all the kudos which you received. Everyone,
and especially our father, loved you so much more and only scorned
at me. But now I know better.”
I am taken by surprise and ask him to explain himself. He starts
replying in the same self-assured and measured tone.
“I saw how unhappy you really were. You had every thing—a
prosperous kingdom, loving wives, devoted brothers and children,
loyal friends like Karna and Ashwatthama and such wise men to
counsel you. But I never saw you enjoying any of this. I always found
you angry, restless, distraught and anguished.”
“That’s true,” I meekly acknowledge. “But how could I be happy
with those Pandavas always on my back?”
“And who put them on your back?” he asks softly.
“I don’t know that. All I know is that ever since they came into
Hastinapur, the very sight of them infuriated me. Their presence made
me so restless that nothing else mattered. Perhaps my hatred for them
was stronger than my love for anything or any body else.”
“Do you realize that the hatred which possessed you was not just
yours? You also had to carry the burden of other people’s demons.”
“Like?”
“Like that of our father’s frustrated ambitions and rage at having
been denied the kingdom because of his blindness. Like that of our
mother’s anguish at having been tricked into marrying a blind man
and then losing out to aunt Kunti in providing the eldest heir of the
next generation. Like that of uncle Shakuni’s humiliation at having
to live in Hastinapur as a poor relative, and his immense hatred for
the entire Kuru clan. You became the most readily available channel
for expression of so many people’s rage and hatred.”
74 Part I

“But they all loved me, didn’t they?”

“Yes, they did but only in the way that they could. After all, we are
all limited and often in the name of love, we pass on our demons to
those who we think we love. Father merely indulged you in the name
of love because that is the only form of love that he can give either
to himself or to any one else. Mother was far too preoccupied with
her own demons and hence, could never see you as a person in your
own right. Later in life, she did realize her folly, but having handed
you over to her brother, uncle Shakuni, she could not reclaim you. It
was just too late.”
“What about Bhanu? Didn’t she love me?”
“She did, but the only way that she could express it was through
abject surrender. Perhaps, that is the way you wanted it, too. After
all, she is no Draupadi who could hold her own and even if she had
been one, you would not have known what to do with her except to
humiliate her and try to impose your will upon her. That is the only
way you know to love—to possess, and devour the other.”
“What about Karna?” I ask.
“Perhaps he was the only person who had any real empathy for
you. After all, who better than him could understand the pathos of a
warrior who knows that he is destined to lose? And who better than
him could understand what it means to wrestle with demons inside
one self? To an extent, he was luckier than you, for he had to deal
only with his own demons and will have the consolation of being re-
membered as a loyal friend and a large hearted generous man. But you,
my dear brother, who became the playfield for everyone’s demons,
will only be remembered as evil incarnate—the eternal villain. It is
bad enough to have to carry the burden of one’s own villainy but
those who also have to carry the burden of others’ villainy are most
miserable. The day I realized this, I stopped envying you and began
to feel sorry for you.”
“Go away!” I scream at him. “I can’t take this any longer!”
His voice becomes extremely soft and tender.
 Duryodhana Speaks 75

“Even in this moment, you cannot acknowledge your own pain,

hurt and wounds. After all, a life-long habit of converting your pain
into rage and anger cannot be given up so easily” Suyodhana pauses
and then goes on. “In one respect, you are better off than me. As an
eternal villain, you will at least be remembered. On the other hand,
I will fade into oblivion. History will forget my very existence and
will know both of us only through you.”
A strange feeling begins to engulf me—it is not anguish or rage or
hatred or despair or shame or self-pity, I do not know what name
to give it. Perhaps it is what people call unadulterated sorrow, but
I will never know because it is some thing I never allowed to come
any where near me. I close my eyes, perhaps for the last time.
 CHAPTER 9

Bhima Speaks

We had won the war but everyone was sad and depressed. The
battlefield was littered with dead bodies. I did not know how I would ever
be able to face Hidimbi. Ghatotkacha was all that she had and now
even he was gone. Whatever solace we could have derived from our
victory was ruined by that wicked Ashwatthama on that dreadful
last night. By setting our entire camp on fire, he not only killed all
five of Draupadi’s sons but also her brothers. It was so painful to see
her expressionless face and stony eyes. He had even hurled a deadly
weapon at the fetus growing inside Uttara’s womb, but somehow
Krishna managed to save it. Now, Abhimanyu’s offspring will be all
that’s left to carry forward our lineage.
We had assembled together to perform the last rites for all the dead,
when mother Kunti said to Yudhisthira, “You have to perform last
rites for Karna, too. He was your eldest brother.”
“What!” screamed all five of us in unison, far too shocked to say
anything more.
“Krishna! Please explain to them,” she said softly and leaned on
his shoulder.
“Yes, it is true,” Krishna began to explain. “Before her marriage,
your mother had received a boon from sage Durvasa that she could
summon any god to impregnate her. She could not resist the temptation
of testing the boon and summoned the Sun god. Thus, Karna was
born, but in order to avoid the embarrassment of being an unwed
mother, she put the new born into a basket and left him to the flow
 Bhima Speaks 77

of the river. The baby was found by the charioteer Adhiratha and his
wife Radha, who brought him up.”
“But why didn’t you share this secret earlier?” shouted the otherwise
calm Yudhisthira. “Do you realize how much bloodshed your secret
has caused? And that we now carry the guilt of having killed our own
elder brother? I curse all of womankind—never again will they be able
to keep a secret!”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Yudhisthira!” interjected Krishna. “You can
not hold her responsible for this carnage. In fact, both she and I did
the best that we could to avert this situation. We even shared this truth
with Karna and tried to persuade him to come to our side, but he
was bound by his sense of honour and loyalty to Duryodhana. Let
me also tell you that he could have easily killed any of you but had
given his word to your mother that other than Arjuna, he would not
kill any of her sons.”
“What ever it may be, Janardhana, I can not bear the guilt of
having caused my elder brother’s death. In any case, after seeing all
this carnage, my heart is no longer in this material world and I have
decided to renounce it and devote the rest of my life to spiritual
pursuit.” said Yudhisthira.
“That is the most cowardly thing that I have heard,” I butted in.
“After being a part of so much destruction, you don’t want to face
its consequences.”
“No Bhima, you don’t understand, I am only responding to the
calling of my dharma,” he said.
“Elder brother, I may not understand all the intricacies of dharma
but I do know that your dharma is not in renunciation, but is in ruling
over this kingdom in a just and noble way. After all the suffering and
destruction of the war, this kingdom needs your wisdom and leader-
ship to rebuild itself and to restore the well-being of its people.”
Arjuna, Nakula and Sahadeva also joined me, but none of us could
make any impression on Yudhisthira. Finally, of course, it was Krishna
78 Part I

who managed to convince Yudhisthira to change his mind. Not that

Krishna said anything new, but at least the Dharmaraj listened to him
and finally agreed.

Then came the most difficult part—the task of returning to

Hastinapur and facing uncle Dhritarashtra and aunt Gandhari.
Krishna led the way but it was Yudhisthira who approached uncle
first. Touching his feet, he said in a voice choking with tears, “Uncle,
please forgive me and my brothers. I know we have caused a
great deal of pain and anguish, but please believe me, I am feeling
equally distressed and miserable about the events of last couple of
weeks.”
“Son, don’t distress yourself, you and your brothers are as dear
to me as my own sons were. I know that whatever happened is not
your fault and bear no ill-will towards you. Where is my favourite
son Bhima?”
I was surprised by this unexpected proclamation of affection to-
wards me, but before I could respond, Krishna pushed a metallic replica
of me in front of uncle Dhritrashtra and said, “Here he is!”
Uncle Dhritarashtra embraced the statue with such ferocity that
it was shattered into several small pieces. Immediately, he started
sobbing and broke down
“Oh my God! What have I done? I am such a wretched fellow,
I have killed my own dear nephew.”
“Don’t worry sir,” Krishna intervened. “Bhima is absolutely safe.
I had suspected that the anguish and rage that you have suffered will
be unleashed on Bhima, and I decided to protect him from your wrath.
Now that your rage has been spent, it is absolutely safe for you to
embrace Bhima. Bhima, please come forward and pay your respects
to your uncle.”
 Bhima Speaks 79

I did so, but not with out some unease. “It is true that most of the
Kauravas have been killed by me, but am I the only one to blame for
this carnage?” I asked myself.

The next stop was aunt Gandhari’s chamber. She received all of us
warmly but reserved her wrath for the great man himself.
“Krishna, I can forgive everyone else but not you. You are all-
knowing, all-powerful. I am sure if you had wanted, you could have
averted this disaster. But you chose not to. By any good that I may
have done, I curse you that your entire clan will be annihilated in the
same manner as mine have been.”
Krishna remained calm. He touched her feet and said, “The words
of a pious woman like you cannot go in vain. I am sure what ever you
have said will come true.”
Aunt Gandhari immediately regained her composure. “Oh!
Janardhana, please forgive me. I don’t know what came over me.
I wish that my curse does not come true!”
“But it will,” said Krishna. “Your prophecy has not been made with
any malice but is only an expression of your deep anguish, which I
fully understand.”
I marveled at his tranquility and asked him as we are leaving, “How
could you remain so calm in face of such a terrible prophecy?”
He smiled and said, “Strength, whether it is physical, emotional,
mental or spiritual, comes with its own price tag. I am sure you have
enough experience of that yourself.”
 CHAPTER 10

Balarama Speaks

“Who is it?” I ask sleepily.

“It’s me.”
“Me—who?”
“Don’t you recognize your Kanha, Dau?”
“My Kanha! My Kanha was left behind in Vrindavan a long time ago,
my Kanha got lost in the great Krishna—the upholder of dharma.”
“Wasn’t your Kanha also an upholder of dharma?”
“He was, but his dharma I could understand and relate to. It was
simple and straight forward. It wasn’t as devious and complex as
the dharma of great Krishna, which only he could comprehend. My
Kanha’s dharma did not lead to mass destruction and the killing of
near and dear ones.”
“Your Kanha also killed his own maternal uncle, King Kansa.”
“He did, but that is because Kansa was evil.”
“And Duryodhana?”
“Duryodhana wasn’t evil!” I yell. “He may have been foolish and
may have done many things which he should not have, but how could
you forget that he was also my favourite disciple? How could you
forget that he was the father-in-law of your own son? But you have
always been like that—heartless and uncaring, having other people
attached to you but yourself remaining totally detached. Feelings of
people who were close to you never made any difference to you. At
least, mine didn’t.”
 Balarama Speaks 81

“How can you say that? Did I ever disobey you?”

“No, you didn’t, but you also never did as I wished.”
“Then there must have been a gap between your wishes and your
commands.”
“Don’t trap me into this play of words. I have never been very good
at it, as you well know. I am not half as wise as you are. I am a simple
man and all I know is that you have been the most important person
for me, a feeling which you never reciprocated. For you, there were
always others—first it was Uddhava, then Sudama, then Satyaki, and
then of course, your darling Arjuna and the rest of the Pandavas.”
“I know that you have suffered a lot, but it was you who deserted
me.”
“What do you mean?” I was totally perplexed by his statement.
“Did you ever ask yourself how all the people opposed to me find
a refuge in you, whether it was Akrur or Kritavarma or Shambh or
Duryodhana? They all went to you the moment they had a problem
with me.”
“I did not do any of it on purpose or to oppose you.”
“I know that. In fact, I wish that your love for me was not so pure,
that it had left some space for your resentment and anger also.”
“Resentment and anger towards you? No Kanha! I can’t even think
about it!”
“Dau, your resentment and anger was only natural. Since you did
not own it, others did and made full use of it. That is precisely why you
became a pawn in the hands of all the forces which opposed me.”
I can’t bear to listen to this. Is this what my Kanha really thinks?
Crestfallen and dumbfounded, I sit back and several images begin to
flash in front of my eyes. I am transported back to Gokul, where a three
year old is desperately trying to catch the attention of mother Yashoda
while she is totally engrossed in Krishna. For the first time, I shed
a silent tear for that child. I see an adolescent in Guru Sandipan’s
82 Part I

ashram, who is mournfully watching his younger brother busy with

his cousin Uddhava and friend Sudama. I hear his silent scream, “Why
don’t you leave all of them and just be with me?” I see a middle aged
man gnashing his teeth in impotent rage as he learns that his sister
Subhadra preferred to elope with his younger brother’s friend rather
than marry the groom chosen by him.
Gradually, the mist begins to clear in front of my eyes and I start
speaking softly.
“I see what you mean. Perhaps it is my fault. Only, if I had realized
it earlier, the altercation between Satyaki and Kritavarma could have
been averted and the Yadava clan saved.”
“Don’t blame yourself unnecessarily, Dau. It was not your doing.
Don’t you see that the Yadavas had to be destroyed because they had
abandoned the path of Dharma? It has nothing to do with either you or
me. Both of us are only instruments for fulfillment of the grand, divine
design. We may fool ourselves into believing that we are the cause of
good or evil, but actually we are not. The grand design unfolds by
its own logic and has its own inevitabilities. You know, many people
think that I am God. The reality is that I am quite content to be human,
accept the limitations of my will and bow before the inevitabilities
of the grand design. You think I don’t suffer? I also suffered when
you moved away from me on several occasions, I also suffered when
my darling Abhimanyu was killed in the war and when I heard of
Draupadi’s humiliation in the Kuru assembly. But unlike you, I don’t
fight my suffering; I don’t try to impose my will on the divine design.
I simply bow down and accept whatever it has to offer me. Dau, the
source of all adharma lies in man’s desire to become God and that is
what I have tried to avoid all my life.”
I begin to see his actions and choices in a new light. I feel one with
him after a long time and hold him in a tight embrace.
Slowly, I begin to speak again. “Whatever you say, Kanha, is abso-
lutely right but there is more to it. I don’t think I wanted to be a god as
much as I wanted to be an elder brother to someone I knew was bigger
 Balarama Speaks 83

than me in every respect. Can you feel the pain of my situation—older

in age but smaller in all other aspects? I always had to toe your line
and I could not even resent you for it because I knew that you are so
much wiser. Even when I protested, we both knew that they were
merely posturing and that eventually, you would have your way.”
“Dau, I was aware of your situation and tried my level best not to
offend you.”
“Which made matters even worse. You pretending to be humble
and obedient but simultaneously calling the shots. Do you believe
that I am so naive that I did not see through your games? No Krishna,
I went along with you not because I fell for your tricks but because
I always had more faith in your wisdom than my own. Right from
our childhood, I was aware of your greatness, my only wish was to
submerge myself so totally in you that we become one. But alas! Even
that was not to be.”
Krishna sits silently for a long time and then turns towards me.
“Dau, for once can you really be my elder brother? Hold me like a
baby, reprimand me, caress me, punish me if you like, but let me hide
myself in your lap.”
“No, my dear brother, it would be a pretense. Neither of us is ready
for it just yet. Perhaps in our next birth, I will learn how to be an elder
brother and you will learn how to be the younger one.”
Krishna begins to sob uncontrollably. I run my fingers through his
hair and close my eyes.
 CHAPTER 11

Bhima Speaks

Now only Yudhisthira and I are left. Draupadi was the first to fall,
followed by my three younger brothers. It is now several months since
we left Hastinapur. Ever since the news of Krishna and Balarama’s
death and the destruction of the Yadava clan had reached us, we had
lost our desire to live. Arjuna, who had rushed to Dwarka in an ef-
fort to protect the Yadava women, children and property, returned
a broken and defeated man. Apparently, the great warrior could not
even stand up to a handful of bandits. The sight of him was a shock
to all of us. His hair and beard had turned totally white and with his
wrinkled face, it seemed that he had aged a thousand years within a
span of few days. Soon, we found that same thing was happening to the
rest of us as well and realized that the time to say good bye had come.
So, we left the kingdom to Abhimanyu’s son Parikshit and started
our final journey towards the “other-world.”

When Draupadi fell, I halted to help her but Yudhisthira stopped

me. “No Bhima, in this journey no one can help any one else. We all
have to take responsibility for our actions and choices by ourselves.
No doubt, Draupadi was the very incarnation of ideal womanhood
and that she was beyond reproach in every way. However, though
married to all five of us, she loved Arjuna the most. That was her only
folly and that is the reason why she has fallen.”
Did I detect a hint of pain and envy in Dharmaraj’s voice? I didn’t
say anything and kept walking. Thereafter, one by one, the three of
 Bhima Speaks 85

my younger brothers fell. In each case, Dharmaraj attributed their

fall to their arrogance. For Nakula, it was the arrogance of physical
beauty, for Sahadeva of intellect and for Arjuna, it was the arrogance
of valour.
And now my turn has come. As I fall, Yudhisthira says, “Bhima,
you were perfect in every respect. You were the ideal son, the ideal
brother, the ideal husband, the ideal warrior and everything a man
could be. Your only follies were your gluttony, your over-confidence
and your propensity to blow your own trumpet.”
He walks away with his dog after making these pronouncements.
I am not sure that I fully agree with him. In fact, I have lost all interest
in this journey after the fall of Draupadi and my three brothers. With
out them, no heavenly abode has any meaning for me. While future
generations may regard Dharmaraj’s pronouncements about us as
the ultimate truth, I think they say as much about him as about us.
After all, the fact is that Arjuna won Draupadi in the Swayamvar
and she must have been looking forward to marrying him and him
alone. Instead, the poor thing had to wed all five of us. Why, then,
should her special fondness for Arjuna be regarded as such a big folly,
particularly when she never failed any of her other husbands in any
respect? “No Dharmaraj, it is your own hurt and envy which lies be-
hind this pronouncement and not Draupadi’s folly. What about your
own sternness? Why is that any less of a folly than my gluttony? Do
you remember how insensitive you were towards mother Kunti when
she shared the secret of Karna’s birth with us? You were so incensed
that you cursed entire womankind for all time to come. Don’t you
think that it was extremely cruel on your part to do so? You iden-
tified the arrogance of Nakula, Sahadeva and Arjuna, but what about
your own arrogance of stoic righteousness? Do you remember how,
on the one hand, you emotionally blackmailed Arjuna when he was
refusing to fight grandsire Bhishma and guru Drona, and on the other,
you wanted to renounce every thing after we had won the war?”
86 Part I

I am with these thoughts as I start crawling towards Draupadi

who is lying a few meters away. When I reach her, she looks up and
says, “I knew you would come to me. The others may desert me but
you never would,” she says. “Are you feeling disturbed about what
Yudhisthira has said about each one of us?”
“How do you always guess what I am feeling or thinking?”
She laughs in her characteristic, enchanting manner. “It is because
I know you like a mother knows her child, it is because you are so
very transparent and it is also because you surrender to me with such
innocent abandon.” Then, in a more serious tone, she goes on. “To
me, your gluttony has never been a folly. It is only an expression of
your zest for life and your insatiable appetite to experience life in all
its rawness, in all its glory and with all its terrors and destructions.
Do you remember what Kubera told you about your link with the pri-
mitive man? Yudhisthira sees you as gluttonous because he was afraid
of his own primitive side and always tried to run away from it. To an
extent, Arjuna engaged with it, but only to gain mastery over it and
to enslave it in service of his civilized part. It is only you, Bhima, who
tried to befriend the primitive man in himself, without whom no man
can ever be a man. That is why I felt closest to you.”
“I thought you loved Arjuna the most.”
“Which is true, but only in a limited way. If you call the cravings of
an adolescent for a “prince charming” love, then yes, I did love Arjuna
the most. However, as I grew, I began to realize that there is more to
love than those adolescent cravings.”
“Say more,” I am both curious and thrilled.
“I realized that Arjuna could never really love any one. His doubts
and ambivalence never allowed him to give himself totally to any
one, not even to himself. Only Krishna could settle his ambivalence
and therefore, he gave his heart so totally to Krishna that from others,
he could only receive love. He could never surrender himself to any
one other than Krishna, not even me.” There is a tinge of sadness
in her voice as she goes on, “I started seeing different sides of love.
 Bhima Speaks 87

Yudhisthira I respected a great deal for his self-control and strict

adherence to what he believed righteous conduct to be, no matter what
the consequences, but he could only be my teacher and not my lover.
I was attracted to Nakula’s physical beauty and Sahadeva’s intellect
and compassion, but they could only be my companions. They evoked
my maternal instinct, never the woman in me. Arjuna did evoke the
woman in me but he could only be a “dream man,” an “alluring
illusion” who could not withstand the test of reality.”
“And me?” I ask hesitantly.
“It is only you, Bhima, that I regarded as my real husband. With
you, I did not have to restrict or inhibit my self. I could show my self
to you in my splendour and in my ugliness. I could be both divine and
gracious on the one hand and demonic and petty on the other. I never
felt the need to suppress my zest for life from fear of seeming too
greedy. I could truly be myself without guilt and shame and without
any apprehension of becoming undesirable or unacceptable to you. I
felt assured in the certainty of your love for me, irrespective of who or
what I am. The innocent child in you loved me with out any judgement
and the strong man in you was there to protect me. I felt safe and secure
with you and knew that you would always protect me, that you would
always be on my side and that you would never desert me—except,
of course, on that fateful day in the Kuru assembly. Oh! Bhima why
did you not save me that day? How could you let all that happen to
me? Where did all your strength vanish?” She begins to wail.
“I don’t know, Draupadi. I do not know what happened to me or
what immobilized me. Perhaps, it was the conflict between what you
called my primitive and civilized sides. The “primitive me” wanted
to burn Yudhisthira’s hands, it wanted to split Duhsasana into two,
it wanted to dance on the corpses of Duryodhana and Karna. But the
civilized younger brother had to obey his elder brother. I just could not
bring these opposite forces together. Perhaps, this was the essence of
my brother Hanuman’s advice, to be able to integrate primal energy
with human discernment and divine benediction. Maybe, had I been
able to do that, I would have acted with greater conviction not merely
88 Part I

in that situation, but even otherwise. You know, for good or for
bad, others had some convictions to fall back upon but I had none.
Yudhishthira found his conviction in conventional morality, Arjuna
in focused purposiveness, Krishna in contextual wisdom, Hanuman in
his devotion to lord Rama, but for me there was none and there was
no one to guide me either. Yudhisthira had Uncle Vidura, Arjuna
had Krishna, Hanuman had Rama, even Duryodhana had Shakuni;
but for me, there was nobody. Perhaps Balarama could have been
my mentor, but he remained caught between his affection for me and
for Duryodhana.
“Don’t you see that two of you were, in fact, the two sides of Balarama
which he could not resolve in himself, so how could he mentor you?
At times, I feel the battle between Bhima and Duryodhana which took
place inside Balarama was no less fierce than the one which took place
in Kurukshetra,” says Draupadi.
“You know, today, for some strange reason, I am feeling sad for
even Duryodhana. History may isolate him and make him the prime
villain of this tragic saga, but was he the only one responsible? Why
is it that the likes of him and me who have to carry the burden of
everyone’s negativity?”
“And what a burden it is! How very lonely and burdened you must
have felt when, as a child, you were singled out for all of Duryodhana’s
venomous attacks? Or, when you had to deal with all demonic forces
single-handed, be it Bakasura or Hidimb or Kichaka. When and how
did you heal these wounds, Bhima?”
My mind goes back to the time when Duryodhana had poisoned
me and thrown me into the river and snakes had bitten me all over
my body. In a way, the snake poison had acted as an antidote to the
other poisons which Duryodhana had given me and so, I did not
die but only became unconscious. When I woke up, I found my self
surrounded by a group of tribals, whose chief was a distant relative
of ours from mother Kunti’s side. I will never forget the tenderness
with which that old man had held me and how tranquil I had felt.
 Bhima Speaks 89

I wished that I could stay with the tribe for the rest of my life, but of
course I had to return to Hastinapur.
“Where are you lost in your thoughts?” she asks me.
“Once, Krishna had told me that strength comes with its own price
tag. At that time, I did not realize the full import of his statement, but
now I am beginning to see what he meant.”
“How very right he was! Perhaps your strength has been your
greatest enemy. It not only scares people away from you but also pre-
vents you from acknowledging and healing your own wounds. Krishna
should also have told you the corollary to that statement.”
“What?”
“That vulnerability has its own virtues and rewards.”
I smile at her. “Maybe in my next birth, I will learn that. I do not
want Moksha. I would love to come back into this world and savour
its grandeur all over again. I simply love living.”
“Don’t I know that!” She smiles as only she can.
I look at her—like the rest of us, her face is full of wrinkles and
she has lost most of her hair and teeth, but for me she is still the most
beautiful woman in the entire universe. Perhaps, that was my real
calling in life—to discover love, a love which does not flinch in face
of the starkness and gruesomeness of life, a love which embraces both
beauty and ugliness alike, a love which acknowledges the truths of life
as also its illusions, a love which makes us rejoice as well as grieve, a
love which makes us transcend ourselves as well as surrender, a love
which can hold Draupadi in one arm and Duryodhana in the other.
Maybe, I will need to take another birth for that.
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 PART II
REFLECTIONS
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 CHAPTER 12

The Three Protagonists

Balarama, Duryodhana and Bhima are three distinct individuals with

their own unique contexts and predispositions. The common thread
running through them (which shall be referred to as the “Child Man”
psyche in rest of this book), is not intended to undermine their differ-
ences. In fact, it is only through the exploration of both their similarities
as well as their differences that any meaningful insights can be gained
for understanding this part of human psyche and its relevance and
implications for the larger human context.
All three were contemporaries. According to some accounts,
Bhima and Duryodhana were born on the same day and at exactly
at the same time, though this is contrary to another story according
to which Duryodhana was conceived before Yudhisthira but born
later. Balarama could not have been very much older, considering
that Krishna was roughly the same age as Arjuna and was younger
than both Bhima and Duryodhana. However, the real relationship
between the three was not one of peers but that of disciples (Bhima and
Duryodhana) and teacher (Balarama). This is almost an exact parallel
to Arjuna’s relationship with Krishna. Thus, in a manner, Bhima and
Duryodhana can be regarded as extensions of Balarama, just as Arjuna
was an extension of Krishna. Further, while in terms of events, there
was not much contact between Krishna and Karna, the psychic affinity
between them is hard to miss. Both were separated at birth from their
biological parents and place of birth, and transported by a river to
be brought up by foster parents much below their socio-economic
status. Both had to suffer humiliations on account of this throughout
their lives—one was constantly addressed as a cowherd and the other
94 Part II

as Sutaputra (son of a charioteer). Both were nominal kings with their

main sphere of action being outside their own kingdoms. Both were
generous and gracious with a strong sense of honour and self-control.
Coincidentally, if the word ‘Ish’ (which means ‘divine’ or ‘god’), is inter-
mixed with the word ‘Karn,’ we get ‘Krishna.’ Thus, in a sense, Arjuna
and Karna can be seen as two sides of Krishna with Bhima and
Duryodhana representing two sides of Balarama.
It is interesting that the main conflicts in Mahabharata centre
around these two sets of adversaries, i.e., Karna and Arjuna on
one hand and Bhima and Duryodhana on the other. In this sense,
the Mahabharata can be regarded as conflict within and between
Krishna and Balarama. In this context, it is significant to note, that the
Krishna of the Mahabharata is very different from his other portrayals
(as for example, in the Geeta Govinda). It would appear that in order
to highlight the dichotomy between Krishna and Balarama, a certain
aspect of Krishna had to be set aside. Or, the mischievous, playful,
romantic flute playing Krishna was invented later in order to make
him more complete and wholesome. In either case, the difference in
the two forms of Krishna is significant.
The two brothers perhaps embody the two main streams of Indian
philosophy represented by the Vedas and Upanishads, respectively.
The Vedic stream, which is also regarded as “Pravartik,” emphasizes
passionate involvement, ritual, subjectivity and a general celebration
of life and is represented by Balarama and his two disciples whereas
Krishna, in the limited context of the Mahabharata, represents the
Upanishadic stream or the “Nirvartik” orientation emphasizing
stoicism, detachment, self-control and objective rational enquiry. In
terms of Greek mythology, we can regard Krishna as representing the
Apollo principle of “know thy self” and Balarama as the holder of the
Dionysian motto “be thy self.”
These two basic orientations are further split into a constructive
or life enhancing side and a destructive or life destroying side. Arjuna
and Bhima can be regarded as representing the constructive side where
as Karna and Duryodhna represent the destructive side. The main
 The Three Protagonists 95

difference, of course, is that while in Krishna, the conflict between these

two sides is settled, in Balarama it remains unresolved. Thus, while
Krishna has no difficulty in giving a clear injunction to Arjuna to kill
Karna, Balarama remains caught between his affection for Bhima and
Duryodhana. Even his slight tilt in favour of Duryodhana was per-
haps on account of his unexamined reactivity towards Krishna rather
than as a result of any real conviction. Similarly, Duryodhana’s entire
life seems to be governed by his hatred towards the Pandavas rather
than by any positive goals for himself. Bhima, in his final encounter
with Draupadi, shares his pathos of not finding any conviction
within himself. This aspect of the Child Man psyche has significant
implications both at the individual and collective levels, as we shall
explore in the later parts of this book.
All three of our protagonists were mace-warriors. The mace, besides
being an obvious phallic symbol, can also be associated with raw
power and direct encounter. Unlike an archer, the mace warrior can
not attack his opponent from a distance and must necessarily engage
his adversary in a direct face to face encounter in which raw power
plays a major role. Thus, one would be inclined to see a greater tilt
in all three towards the “primal and the primitive” rather than the
“sophisticated and the civilized,” a theme which we will explore later
in some detail.
The preoccupation with the masculine may be linked to another
common thread. In Jungian terms, all three seem to share a predo-
minance of the “dynamic feminine” principle, particularly in respect
of spontaneity and aliveness and a virtual disregard for the world
of rules, regulations and boundaries, i.e., the “static masculine”
principle (for greater elaboration of these, see the chapter on Gender
Identity). Thus, one can argue that their masculinity was somewhat
compensatory in nature. The non-penetrative feature of the mace as
a phallic symbol supports such a hypothesis. The main difference
between the three was perhaps in the differential configurations of the
“static feminine” principle, which in turn led to significant differences
in their relationships with women. In Bhima, we find a heightened
sensitivity towards women (Draupadi, Hidimbi, Kunti) whereas in
96 Part II

Duryodhana we find a heightened cruelty. Balarama had virtually no

intimate relationships with women except, to a limited extent, with
his wife Revati.
In Freudian terms, all three show strong streaks of the oral-sadistic
character, i.e., one who believes that no one is going to give him what
he needs voluntarily and hence he must grab it by force. However,
this is accompanied by a predominance of “narcissism” over “self
interest”—each of our protagonists has a tendency to get carried
away with his own thoughts, feelings and impulses with very little
objective reality appraisal and consequently, has to be restrained by
someone like a Krishna or a Shakuni. In this sense, the narcissism of
the Child Man is quite “self-less.” One can even argue that, in fact, he
has no positive sense of “self.” His self definition is primarily defined
by his “wounds” and thus, he stubbornly holds on to his wounds and
resists any healing. To an extent, the preservation of these wounds
becomes equated with the preservation of self-identity. In this sense,
Duryodhana’s case is particularly tragic because the non-healing of
his wounds also has a contextual element. As Suyodhana points out,
he also becomes a carrier of other people’s demons and negativities.
The preoccupation with wounds makes the Child Man particularly
susceptible to jealousy and envy. In the case of Duryodhana, the envy
and jealousy are direct, conscious and vicious. In the case of Balarama
and Bhima, they remain muted and are counter balanced by other
feelings. Further, there are other marked differences in the way each
of them responds to his jealousy/envy. While Duryodhana responds by
moving away from the object of his envy and jealousy (Yudhisthira),
Balarama responds by moving towards the object of his envy and
jealousy (Krishna) to the extent of trying to merge himself totally
in him. Bhima’s relationship with Yudhisthira remains a mixture of
affection, respect and disdain and consequently, he remains caught
within ambivalence, making it that much more difficult for him to act
with any conviction.
Finally, all three of our protagonists show a clear preference for the
domains of “feeling” and “action” as against the domain of “thought.”
 The Three Protagonists 97

They are passionate and impulsive people who are quick to react
and who have little patience with analysis and strategy. They give
precedence to relationships rather than to principles which, to them,
are mere abstractions. For them, subjective feelings, needs and
opinions, either their own or those of people who matter to them,
always outweigh any objective reality appraisal. This proximity to
the domains of action and feeling and distance from the domain of
thought and reason has huge implications for this psyche in the pre-
sent times. While in the universe of the epic, the pursuit of prowess
had a strong link with physical strength, in our times, it is intellectual
acumen which is the primary source of prowess. Consequently, in the
present day world, very little legitimate space is left for this psyche,
leading to it being either marginalized or operating insidiously. While
specifically, we will look at these issues in the chapter entitled “Age
of Reason” and “The Child Man and Our Times,” in many ways, it
will keep surfacing in other places as well.
Our three protagonists have both similarities and differences.
How-ever, the simultaneity of “pursuit of prowess” and “emotional
fragility” keeps recurring in each one of them. It is another matter that
what appears as a child-like simplicity, innocence and zest for life in
Bhima becomes the greed and insolence of an immature, angry and
petulant child in Duryodhana and surfaces as pseudo-adult in case of
Balarama. This in no way takes away their psychic affinity, just as it
does not make them identical.
 CHAPTER 13

Colours of Self-centricity

Some time ago, a well known industrialist said to me, “Ego is a

prerogative of you professionals. As far as we businessmen are con-
cerned, we can not afford the luxury of an ego. We have to be prepared
to bow down to the lowliest of people, if it is required in service of
our interest!” Clearly, the gentleman was using the term “ego” in
its popular connotation of self-aggrandizement and vanity without
recognizing that his own stance could also be regarded as highly
egoistical in its own way. However, he had unerringly pointed out that
“self-centricity” is not the same for everyone and the tendency to put
every kind of “self-centricity” in the same basket often obscures the
real meaning of a phenomenon. This propensity of not differentiating
between different kinds of “self-centricity” becomes a major hurdle
in understanding the Child Man psyche, for it gets confused with
overlapping constructs such as ambition, achievement orientation,
alpha-male, selfishness and the like.
The “prowess pursuance” and “high need for dominance” of the
Child Man are not rooted in the achievement of any meaningful goals
for the self. In ‘achievement orientation,’ the passion is more focused
and directed towards a goal, as in case of Krishna (to establish the rule
of dharma) or in case of Arjuna (to become the best archer). In the
case of the Child Man, the passion and consequent pursuit of prowess
is more diffused and the goal, if any, is often at the unconscious level
(for example, proving one’s manliness, hunger for love, sibling rivalry,
anger towards the father, etc.) Even when the passion is more focused,
as in the case of Duryodhana (his hatred towards Pandavas), its source
invariably lies in the rage of having been denied. Hence, “vengeance”
 Colours of Self-centricity 99

rather than “achievement” becomes the main motif for the Child Man.
Even in case of Bhima, it is only after Draupadi’s humiliation that a
clear goal in the form of vengeance appears to channelize his passion.
The situation is a bit more subtle in the case of Balarama, where the rage
(at losing the symbiotic link with Krishna) remains muted and there-
fore, available to others for exploitation.
It is no wonder, then, that the Child Man is rarely his own person.
Invariably, he becomes a pawn in the hands of others through emo-
tional blackmail and/or through an appeal to his prowess. I recall
several years ago, I was traveling by bus from Chandigarh to Delhi.
Due to some problems en route, the bus was running about an hour
late. A co-passenger went up to the driver and pleaded that it was
absolutely imperative for him to get to Delhi on time. The Sikh driver
got extremely excited about the prospect of this challenging task. He
turned around and said, “Not to worry sir, this wheel is in the hands
of a tiger! See how I make sure that you reach in time!”
That we reached Delhi in time is beside the point. The excitement
on the face of the driver was something to be seen to be believed. He
was like a small child who had been given a difficult task but which
he knew he could accomplish with some stretch. What was there in
this venture for that driver? He drove at a breakneck speed, cut short
the stops en route, incurred the ire of many other passengers—and
all this for some one else’s need. He may have been an exceptionally
helpful person, but I think his real reward lay simply in the deployment
and affirmation of his prowess.
From the outside, such acts may appear as nothing more than an
“ego-massage” exercise but the Child Man is often not particularly
egoistical and his needs for himself are rather simple. Like Bhima, he
can easily forego all the royal celebrations for the simple pleasure of
being with his old servant Beliya and his family or, have a great time
with the tribe of cannibals or, like Balarama, roam the foothills of
Gomantak and ask, “What is all the fuss about?”
Since the passion of the achievement-oriented person is channelized
into the fulfillment of clearly defined goals, he also knows when to
100 Part II

lose a battle in order to win the war. In contrast, the Child Man is an
endless ocean of passion, waiting for a trigger to explode. He finds it
difficult to bind his passion and/or withdraw when required. Thus, all
three of our protagonists need some one else to rein them in.
It is tempting to apply the stereotype of “all brawn and no brains”
to these men but the issue at hand may have little to do with inad-
equate intellectual acumen. While, to an extent, the stereotype may
have had some validity in an era when the primary source of prowess
was physical strength. With the advent of the “Age Of Reason”, the
situation has changed considerably as we will discuss later. Though
the story of our protagonists belongs to an earlier era, they display no
lack of intelligence when they so chose. Note, for instance, Balarama’s
deft handling of the situation to get Krishna back from guru Angiras’
ashram, as also in securing Sambh’s release from Duryodhana’s cap-
tivity while simultaneously protecting the latter from Krishna’s wrath.
Similarly, Bhima plotting Kichaka’s death without risking the dis-
closure of their identity and Duryodhana’s sophisticated arguments
in support of Karna during the tournament—these incidents do not
suggest that they are men with “all brawn and no brains.” Perhaps,
in the triangle of feeling, thought and action, the Child Man has a
natural inclination towards the feeling-action axis rather than the
feeling-thought axis (the domain of reflection) or the thought-action
axis (the domain of strategy). But this preference stems more from the
imperatives of his identity and the salience of his self-centricity, rather
than from inadequate intelligence. Some of these salient features are
as follows:

Narcissism over Egoism

The Child Man is more narcissistic than egoistic. An egoist is some one
who is totally governed by self-interest without any regard for anyone
else besides, of course, having an exaggerated idea about himself.
While the narcissist also has an inflated self image, he does not have
the same preoccupation as the egoist with his own self-interest. Often,
he is so much in love with his fantasized self image that he would do
 Colours of Self-centricity 101

any thing to protect it, including sacrificing his own self-interest. Thus,
Duryodhana would rather die than accept the legitimate claim of the
Pandavas and settle down to enjoy his own kingdom. In this context,
it is interesting to note that Krishna, in all his dealings with Balarama
and Bhima, takes special care not to offend their narcissism. So, in
order to convince Balarama to escape from Mathura, the argument he
uses is that “some times one has to sacrifice one’s concern for personal
reputation for a larger good.” Instead, if he had tried to convince
Balarama by appealing to his need for self preservation, it is unlikely
that he would have cut much ice with the latter. Similarly, in order
to get Balarama back from Kashi, he appeals to Balarama’s brotherly
love which he knew was very much a part of Balarama’s self image.

Diffused Boundaries
The relative disregard that the Child Man displays for his own interests
is further compounded by his diffused sense of boundaries. The Child
Man can often not differentiate between what belongs to him and what
does not. In the example given earlier in this chapter, the bus driver
had no difficulty in taking the need of the passenger as his own. His
approach was not one of a Good Samaritan who was trying to help a
person in need, but of a person who had taken complete charge of the
venture with total identification with the goal of the other person. This
on one hand endows the Child Man with great amount of generosity
and large heartedness but on the other makes him rather insensitive
to other people’s boundaries and making claims and demands with
little concern for their legitimacy. Thus, Bhima has no qualms about
plucking flowers from Kubera’s ponds and can even go to the extent
of killing people who question his right to do so. For him, whatever
belongs to him also belongs to others and whatever belongs to others
also belongs to him. However, his sharing is generally confined to his
“near and dear” but his grabbing is fairly universal. The bus driver
of our example is unlikely to have acted the way that he did if he had
picked up a dislike for the passenger in question. Thus, while the Child
Man’s boundaries are diffused, his likes and dislikes are both strong
and generally, instantaneous. In other words, the only boundary that
102 Part II

he recognizes is one of affiliative and emotive links which generally

gets translated into “my people” and “not my people.” He is a man
of strong relationships and loyalties, abstract norms and principles
mean very little to him.

Rage and Vengeance

The main trigger for the pursuit of prowess in the Child Man is his
rage and need for vengeance. Sometimes, what needs to be avenged
and who is responsible for the wrong done to him is specific and
known, as in the case of several characters played by Amitabh Bachhan
as “the angry young man” in many of his popular Hindi films. It is
interesting that the essential contours of all such characters, including
those enacted by others (for example, Birju in “Mother India”), have
remained the same. The protagonist experiences some hurt/injustice
in childhood accompanied either by loss of father or some form of
desertion/betrayal by the father, spends all his energies in toughening
himself, has no positive goals for himself other than settling scores with
the wrongdoers and most of the time, dies in the end. The fact that this
theme has such an irresistible appeal suggests that the protagonist is,
in fact, acting out our own rage and our need for vengeance of which
we may be largely unaware.
It would seem that rage and the need for vengeance is fairly universal
though in most people, it remains repressed or suppressed. When an
impulse/feeling/need is repressed, the individual does not become con-
scious of it even though his behaviour may be unconsciously deter-
mined by it. On the other hand, when it is suppressed, the individual
may or may not be aware of it, but it is blocked from any outlet,
either consciously or unconsciously. In the case of the Child Man, rage
and the need for vengeance becomes a central and defining feature
of identity. Hence, even when repressed (as perhaps in the case of
Balarama and Bhima), it continues to be acted upon unconsciously.
This centrality of rage and vengeance in the Child Man, coupled with
his diffused sense of boundaries, can become a lethal combination. It
is very easy for the Child Man to become the perfect conduit through
 Colours of Self-centricity 103

which our collective rage is expressed and acted upon. Once the Child
Man has taken up an agenda as his own, he will go to any extent for
its fulfillment with no regard either for his personal safety and survival
or for any ethical/moral norms and principles. An extremely stark
example of this phenomenon is the “suicide-bomber” who lays down
his own life and desensitizes himself to the destruction of innocent
lives which he causes, all in the service of “collective vendetta and
retribution”.
To sum up, the self-centricity of the Child Man has a unique flavor. It
is the self-centricity of a child who is only a bundle of “id impulses” and
is yet to acquire an “ego identity.” He is like a selfless narcissist who is
deeply in love with a fantasized self image and has never asked himself
“who am I, and what do I want?” Someone who, having included
you in his emotive space, will merge himself so totally with you that
he will go to any extent for your sake. It is also the self-centricity of a
wounded warrior who can not afford the luxury of a healing touch.
His wounds are so basic to his sense of being himself that without
them, he will not know what to do with himself or his life. Thus, it is
not at all surprising that he evokes so many contradictory feelings in
us. He attracts us by his child-like simplicity and also repulses us by
his boorish obstinacy. He fills us with compassion but also frightens
us. We admire his loyalty, commitment and courage but feel indignant
at his amorality. Caught between these contrary feelings, mostly, we
keep him at an arms length or manipulate him for our own ends.
 CHAPTER 14

Child Man and the Age of Reason

Will Hunting (the protagonist of the famous Hollywood film “Good

Will Hunting”), was an exceptionally gifted young man who worked
as a janitor at a university. He was an orphan and his personal/social
life was confined to a few blue-collar worker friends who, in Will’s
own words, “know what loyalty means.” One of Will’s favourite
pastimes was to solve the intricate math problems left by the famous
math professor on the board and leave the solution there for the next
day. Though initially puzzled, the professor soon uncovers the mystery.
By then, Will had got involved in a pub brawl and had been taken
into police custody. The professor arranges to have him released
on his personal guarantee with the condition that Will would see a
psychiatrist. Will goes through the ritual but manages to outsmart all
the “shrinks.” Desperate to get Will sorted out, the professor reaches
out to his old but estranged friend who is a psychiatrist of some repute
though nowhere as successful and renowned in academic circles as the
professor himself. During this period, Will gets involved with a sensitive
and caring girl who truly loves him, but Will’s fear of emotional
entanglement prevents him from committing himself to her. Essentially,
the film deals with Will revisiting his personal history and trauma and
his consequent transformation through these two anchors.
On the face of it, there is very little similarity between Will Hunting
and our three protagonists. However, scratch the surface and you find
the same pursuit of prowess, lack of focus, disdain towards convention-
ality, emotional intensity and hunger for love. The main differences, of
course, are that prowess for Will is mental rather than physical and his
 Child Man and the Age of Reason 105

emotional fragility is expressed not through “volatile outbursts” but

through “cool detachment.” These differences are perhaps linked to the
different times that we live in, as compared to our three protagonists.
With the advent of the Age of Reason, the primary source of prowess
shifted from physical strength to rationality. It is hardly surprising
that rationality and its associated features (like objectivity, analytical
ability etc.) figure as masculine attributes and emotionality as a
feminine attribute in most masculine-feminine scales. It is another
matter that there is no empirical evidence to suggest that men are more
rational and less emotional than women. Perhaps it is the association
of prowess with masculinity and association of reason with prowess
which is responsible for this interesting situation. After all, the only way
in which male authority could be protected in the new scenario was
through a greater claim to rationality. As Seidler points out, “The
rule of reason came to be identified with the father, for it was father
who made reason his own. It was through reason that father learnt
to legislate for others and to feel confident that he knew best what
was good for others.”
However, this creates some interesting dilemmas for the Child
Man in our times. Our three protagonists could focus on building
their physical prowess, express their emotions, be passionate, operate
primarily on the feeling-action axis and afford to be a little disdain-
ful towards rationality. This did not threaten their gender role as it
would in today’s scenario where men are expected to be rational and
not emotional.
Often, these dilemmas are resolved through the simple solution
of becoming blind to one’s emotions but being governed by them
nevertheless. Take the example of K, a highly successful and respected
professional who has retired from a very senior government position.
By all external appearances, K is a mature, seasoned, amiable and
socially successful individual. However, K’s relationship with his only
son is an absolute mess. K does not forego any opportunity to run
his son down. Though the son is an intelligent and fairly successful
106 Part II

professional in his own right, K never gives him any credit for it. In
fact, he is convinced that had he not used his contacts and influence,
the son would have turned out to be an utter wastrel. On those rare
occasions when K is unable to find fault with his son, he directs his
ire towards his daughter-in-law and grandchildren, finding them
disrespectful at the slightest pretext. K’s attacks become particularly
vicious if he finds his wife showing any signs of affection towards her
son. Needless to say, the son has his own demons to wrestle with and
often drowns himself in alcohol and becomes abusive towards his
father. Mrs. K, who is a gentle and caring person, often finds herself
a mute spectator during these brawls.
To any onlooker, they appear like two children fighting over a piece
of candy, but their transactions remain primarily at the “rational” level,
where only logical arguments are traded. Their mutual feelings towards
each other (including their competitiveness for Mrs K’s affections),
are not even acknowledged, let alone being expressed.
For both father and son, the pursuit of prowess is only marginally in
the physical domain (for example, holding one’s drinks better). Thus,
in their wrestling bouts, it is intellectual stratagems which are deployed.
Logic, objectivity and evidence are their main weapons, though the
fact that they are essentially an expression of their emotional volatility
and passion is much too apparent.
In the world that we live in, encounters of the kind mentioned above
are so common place that they hardly surprise us. We are prone to
treat them as “ego hassles” and move on. Yet the question remains,
why do such ego hassles occur only in certain contexts and vis-à-vis
particular people? What makes the issue even more interesting is that
quite often the individuals concerned are not particularly egoistic.
For instance, take the case of M—a visionary and entrepreneur par
excellence—someone who had made path-breaking initiatives and
who is now a colossus in his particular field. Most outsiders find him
extremely reasonable, mature, understanding and accommodating.
But ask his relatives (who are also his partners in the business), and
you will hear a completely different story. They experience him as op-
pressive, dogmatic and as someone who is impossible to dialogue with.
 Child Man and the Age of Reason 107

All his meetings with them become monologues where all others are
too scared to open their mouths and M is far too insensitive to their
feelings and concerns. Though M invites discussion and participation
on all significant issues, no one has the intellectual wherewithal to stand
up to him and hence, all of them take the easy way out by nodding
their heads and/or murmuring their dissent to themselves. Of course,
once in a while, their passive aggression finds an expression through
reactive outbursts, leaving M with a strong sense of incomprehension
and amazement.
Or take the case of Q—a person who has risen from a very humble
background to set up a multi-billion rupee business. By all external
accounts, Q is a competent, confident, self assured and mature person.
But people close to Q will tell you how emotionally insecure he is,
how the slightest of disapproval gnaws at him endlessly, and how the
slightest hint of disloyalty triggers off his paranoia.
Interestingly, all the people described above are extremely caring and
considerate individuals. None of them is someone who can be regarded
as selfish or overly egotistical. In fact, like Bhima and Balarama, their
needs are very simple and their lifestyles quite ordinary. They care
about their near and dear ones and often go out of their way to help
a friend in need. What is also interesting about these men is that their
emotional fragility surfaces only in certain contexts. Perhaps the reason
for this is to be found in the imperatives of living in modern times.
While Bhima, Balaram and Duryodhana in their era did not feel the
need to hide their emotional volatility, the present day Child Man
does not have that luxury.
Thus while the integrated Child Man was more easily visible in the
era of the epic, in present times, he is more likely to be split into two.
The prowess-pursuing man operates in public space, whereas the
emotionally fragile child is confined to the private spaces of family and
intimate relationships. Also, the influence of the internal fragile child on
the external adult remains subterranean, and hence becomes impossible
to address. To that extent, the engagement with the Child Man, the
deployment of his positive potential and reining in his dysfunctional
and destructive side, become that much more difficult.
108 Part II

The only domains where the integrated Child Man is more easily
visible in today’s world are the domains of sports and athletics on one
hand and the world of artistic expression and aesthetics on the other.
Since in these domains, passion and emotional expressions are not
taboos, the need to split the prowess-pursuing man and the emotionally
volatile child is not so strong. However, in most other spheres, the
emotionally volatile child is either confined to private spaces and/or
operates in the garb of a “pseudo adult.”
Since not everyone has the talent or an aptitude to be in the field of
sports or artistic expression, a large number of Child Men find their
homes in the “underworld.” Note, for instance, that a large number of
portrayals of the underworld in literature and films have strong streaks
of the Child Man, be it Vijay in “Deewar” or Raghu in “Vastav” or
Sunny Corleone in “The Godfather.” They all share the same profile—
intensely passionate, strong and courageous, emotionally volatile,
willing to undertake the most difficult of tasks, fiercely loyal to their
loved ones and people who always give precedence to relationships
over principles. This is one of the most frightening aspects of the
gap between prowess and maturity in our times. It is far too easy
and convenient for us to hand over our collective angst (particularly
around issues of race and religion) to marginalized Child Men and
thereby, provide them with the legitimacy to let loose their rage and
destruction.
Even when the Child Man is part of the mainstream, he often
takes a location on the fringes from where he lets loose his rage and
destruction. Let us take the example of J, a middle-aged man of
above-average intelligence. J is extremely well read and can generally
hold his own on a wide range of subjects. J experimented with several
careers, including engineering, management, teaching, literature and
film-making. He was reasonably successful in most of these but failed
to distinguish himself in any, as none could hold his interest for long.
Regarded as an “intellectual” of some repute among his friends, J is
known to get embroiled in heated arguments in any setting that he
is a part of. He swears by post-modernism, rarely takes a position
himself and takes immense delight in demolishing the beliefs of others,
 Child Man and the Age of Reason 109

particularly if they are on the conventional side. With his strong,

stocky built, unkempt beard, long hair and bright, shining eyes,
J is often experienced as a gorilla at large, who is ready to pounce on
his prey and demolish it with his loud mouth and abrasive language.
J’s arguments rarely have the incisive, sharp or penetrating quality
of an arrow. Instead, they land on his adversary like the thud of a
mace—they are hard hitting, blunt and often cover a broad and dis-
persed area. High-sounding words and theories are thrown with such
raw power that often, his adversary has no clue what J is saying, but
is effectively silenced. In these settings, he can easily be mistaken for
a Bhima engaged in a wrestling bout.
The age of reason has taught the Child Man how to use his brain
as brawn. Rationality, for him, is not a pathway to truth but a
powerful weapon with which all truth can be destroyed. His only
conviction is not to have any conviction and his only faith lies in
being faithless. Like our protagonists, his primary driving forces are
rage and need for vengeance, though he uses very different channels
for their expression.
 CHAPTER 15

Child Man and Gender Identity

The Child Man psyche is by no means a monopoly of the male gender

and often manifests itself in women. The only reason the term “man”
has been used is that many of its attributes have been traditionally
regarded as masculine. It is reasonably well understood that such terms
as masculine and feminine are not absolute categories with a one-to-
one correlation with the two genders. Thus, many attributes which are
regarded as masculine (for example aggression and competitiveness) are
to be found amongst women as well, and similarly, men are not devoid
of feminine attributes like sensitivity and caring. Further, the diversity
within the two genders is much greater than the difference between
them. Thus, the average male may be slightly more aggressive than
the average female but there are many men who are significantly less
aggressive than most women and many women who are significantly
more aggressive than most men.
In this context, it is also important to note that masculinity and
femininity are both socio-cultural constructs and bio-existential
constructs1. The categorization of aggression and competitiveness as
masculine might have something to do with “bread earning” being a
part of the male gender role, just as the home-maker role of women
has something to do with features like sensitivity and caring being
regarded as feminine. The patriarchic structure and consequent
power differential between the two genders also significantly affects
our understanding of what is masculine and what is feminine as also
their relative valuation. Thus, that which is regarded as masculine also
tends to be seen as more desirable. Similarly, features which are more
critical in power equilibrium (for example, rationality, in our times)
 Child Man and Gender Identity 111

tend to be seen as masculine. Consequently, the pursuit of prowess

which is an integral part of the Child Man psyche will have different
meanings and implications in the two genders.
However, masculinity and femininity are not just socio-cultural con-
structs but are also determined by certain bio-existential imperatives.
The sexual act itself has an element of dominance-submission and
impotence is primarily a male phenomenon2 (a woman can be frigid or
infertile but not impotent), paternity is an inference or an assumption
whereas maternity is a direct empirical fact, the restrictions on account
of natural imperatives such as menstruation, child birth/nursing, etc.,
which women have to deal with are much more than men encounter.
All these factors also influence how the two genders view themselves,
their relationships, their perspectives on life, their primary anxieties/
preoccupations, and so on. However, even in this sense, masculinity
and femininity cannot be treated as absolute and mutually exclusive
categories. Thus, while fear of impotence may generate a higher
preoccupation in men with regard to “performance,” the female gender
is by no means free of it.
Whether we see them as socio-cultural constructs or as bio-
existential constructs, masculinity and femininity have to be regarded
as two basic principles applicable to all human beings even though their
meaning and implications for the two genders will differ. Hence, the
exploration of gender identity has to engage with two separate though
inter-related issues the configuration of the masculine and feminine
principles within a person, and the meaning and implications of these
configurations as they affect each gender, particularly in the context
of the gender roles as prevalent in a particular era, i.e., maleness and
femaleness as it affects a person’s relatedness to himself/herself as
well as others

The Masculine and the Feminine

Much of our understanding of these principles can be attributed to the
work of Carl Jung. In the Freudian scheme of things, the emphasis was
so male-centric that sometimes one gets the impression that for Freud,
112 Part II

women were nothing more than an inferior version of the male species.
In the Jungian, approach the two principles of masculinity and femi-
ninity are regarded as integral to all human beings. Hence, the concept
of Anima (the feminine in men) and Animus (the masculine in women)
hold centre stage in Jung’s psychology of the two genders. Based upon
Jung’s basic theory of the masculine and feminine principles, the later
Jungians (like Erich Neumann and Gareth Hill) identified the ele-
mentary (or static) and transformative (or dynamic) aspects of these
two principles, creating a two-by-two schema along these polarities
as shown in the figure below :

Masculine

Static Dynamic
Masculine Masculine

Static Dynamic

Static Dynamic
Feminine Feminine

Feminine

A brief description of the four quadrants is as follows

1. The static feminine

The basic feature of the static feminine principle is the cycle of life-- its
creation, nourishment and destruction. It accepts and affirms life in all
forms with its beauty, ugliness and imperatives. It is that part of our
selves which says “I am because I am.” It is like Mother Nature which
both nourishes and devours. It makes us engage with repetitive cyclical
patterns of eating, drinking, copulating and eventually, dying without
question, discernment or discrimination. “The Village,” a film based
on the life of an insular community living in almost perfect harmony
with nature, is a classic description of the static feminine principle. In
its positive form, it nourishes and sustains life, and in its negative form
it entangles us in meaningless ritualistic existence.
 Child Man and Gender Identity 113

2. The dynamic masculine

This is the diagonal opposite of the static feminine principle and is

expressed through assertion, initiative and goal-directed action. It is
that part of our selves which says “I am because I am potent.” In a
sense, it is that part of oneself which wishes to find release from the
strangle-hold of the static feminine and establish its own autonomy
and independent individuality. In its positive form, it enables us to
act upon the world, gain mastery over our environment and chart our
own destiny. In its negative form, it leads to violence, rape, ecological
destruction and disregard for the effect of our action on others. Most
stories of heroic conquest and demonic oppression are based on this
principle.

3. The static masculine

The destructive entanglement of the static feminine and the potential

chaos of the dynamic masculine are countered by the discernment and
containment of the static masculine. It is that part of our selves which
says “I am because I can think, discern and judge.” It enables us to
regulate, create order, lay down principles and manage boundaries. In
its positive form, it facilitates justice, fairness, co-existence and social
order. In its negative form, it leads to rigidity, lifelessness, righteousness
and dehumanization. The character of the College Principal in the
film “Mohabbatein”, who abhors any deviation from tradition and
norms and looks at emotionality as a threat, is a copy-book example
of the static masculine.

4. The dynamic feminine

The dynamic feminine is the diagonal opposite of the static mascu-

line principle. In the film “Mohabbatein” mentioned above, it is
represented by the music teacher who embodies love, vibrancy and
spontaneous expression. It is that part of our selves which says “I am
because I am alive.” In its positive form, it is the source of exploration,
experimentation, playfulness, creativity and transformation. In its
negative form, it leads to hysteria, depression, moodiness, despair,
substance abuse and destruction.
114 Part II

Implications for the Child Man

If we use this framework to explore the Child Man psyche, it seems
clear that in him, there is not merely an almost complete absence of
the static-masculine principle but also the inability to accept static-
masculine authority from an external source. Amongst our three
protagonists, Balarama and Bhima at least show some yielding to
the external static-masculine authority (in the form of Krishna and
Yudhisthira), but in case of Duryodhana, there is a complete rejection
of any such source (for example, grandsire Bhishma and uncle Vidura).
Karna was perhaps the only static-masculine influence in his life, but
given Karna’s own personal demons and his deep sense of gratitude
towards Duryodhana, he could scarcely voice his own convictions,
let alone exercise any authority.
In almost all portrayals of Child Man characters in literature and
cinema, we find that either the static-masculine authority figure is
absent or, has a troubled relationship with the protagonist. Thus,
Birju in “Mother India” and Vijay in “Deewar” lose their fathers in
childhood while the Vijay in “Shakti” grows up with a strong feeling
of having been deserted by a static-masculine father who would rather
uphold his duty than protect his son. In the absence of the counter-
balancing static-masculine force, the dynamic-feminine runs amok
in the Child Man’s psyche and has the individual firmly in her grip.
In Balarama and Bhima, both the positive and negative sides of the
dynamic-feminine can be seen whereas in case of Duryodhana, it is
only the negative side which calls the shots. Sometimes, the static-
masculine authority can be so overpowering that the individual runs
into the arms of the dynamic-feminine (mostly in its negative side) to
find some solace. A poignant depiction of this phenomenon was the
Dinakar Joshi’s Marathi play “Mahatma vs. Gandhi” (later made
into the film called “Gandhi—My Father”), based on the Mahatma’s
relationship with his eldest son, Harilal. Whether or not it accurately
depicts the two historical characters is beside the point. What it shows
is how the son is unable to cope with the strong static-masculine side
of the father and turns into an alcoholic and self-destructive waster.
 Child Man and Gender Identity 115

Unlike Harilal, the Child Man expresses the dynamic-feminine

through the channel of the dynamic-masculine. Outwardly, he seems
to be operating from within the dynamic-masculine. He is assertive,
aggressive, powerful, courageous, and one who constantly seeks
challenge. However, as argued earlier in the chapter on “Colors of
Self-centricity,” he lacks the basic drive of the dynamic-masculine, i.e.,
goal-directed purposiveness. This is partly due to the absence of the
static-masculine and partly due to the fact that his dynamic-masculinity
is essentially compensatory in nature. It is a mix of the dynamic-
feminine and the negative side of the static-feminine. None of our
three protagonists received adequate affirmation from their mothers.
Duryodhana was virtually abandoned by his blind-folded mother and
entrusted to the care of her brother, Shakuni, who had his own axe to
grind. Balarama grew up away from his biological mother Devaki and
had to cope with Krishna’s centrality with other mother figures. Only
Bhima received some positive affirmation from his mother Kunti and
the man-servant Beliya. Thus, each of them coped with their sense of
abandonment differently—Duryodhana through cruelty, Balarama
through indifference and Bhima through craving.
This lack of positive affirmation from the static-feminine and ab-
sence of a positive experience of the static-masculine, places the Child
Man in a peculiar situation. In a sense, he dies to the mother and is
never born to the father, a theme which we will explore in some detail
at a later stage. Thus, while his outward behaviour and interfaces are
driven by the dynamic-masculine orientation, it is evident that he is
actually a classic case of an anima-possessed individual. When the
feminine qualities (such as caring, sensitivity, spontaneity, relatedness,
etc.) are not consciously integrated in a man’s personality, sometimes
they are repressed into the unconscious and tend to overwhelm or
“possess” the individual. Such men have low impulse control and
appear childish to others. Similarly, when the masculine qualities
(such as autonomy, discernment, assertion, etc.) are not consciously
integrated in a woman’s personality, sometimes they are repressed into
the unconscious and tend to overwhelm or “possess” the individual.
Such women are quick to form opinions/judgments, have low tolerance
116 Part II

for differences and generally appear as opinionated and domineering to

others. In Jungian psychology such individuals are referred to “anima-
possessed” and “animus-possessed” respectively.

Men and Women

Masculinity and femininity are generic principles applicable to
both genders. However, men and women are also impacted by the
salience of their respective bio-existential imperatives, gender roles
and stereotypes. For instance, dynamic masculinity is almost ex-
clusively associated with the male gender, to the extent that the term
“manliness” has practically become a synonym for the dynamic-
masculine principle in almost all languages and cultures. Similarly,
the static-feminine principle is strongly associated with the female
gender. Thus, the “pursuit of prowess,” which is primarily a feature of
the dynamic-masculine principle, has a strong link with the male
gender. Perhaps “attractiveness” plays the same role in the female
psyche as prowess plays in the male psyche. Important factors in this
regard are the differential sources of “self-worth” and the meaning
of “power” in the two genders. For men, power is essentially of the
“push” variety, i.e., forcing one’s way in, acting upon the context, and
making an impact. On the other hand, power for women is primarily
of the “pull” variety, i.e., attracting the other to one’s self, assimilating
and transforming. Partly, this difference stems from the nature of the
sexual act itself and partly from the way gender roles have evolved over
the human history. Thus, vengeance which is a primary motive in the
Child Man psyche, is more likely to be played out in women through
the “femme fatale” syndrome rather than through pursuit of prowess,
unless, of course, we look at sexual pull as a kind of prowess also.
In this context, it is interesting to note that the femme fatale shares
many similarities with the Child Man—lack of positive affirmation
from the static-feminine source and a troubled relationship with the
static-masculine symbol, being the most obvious ones. Almost all
accounts of femme fatale characters in literature and cinema include
a history of childhood abuse (mostly of a sexual nature by a trusted
male authority figure), which the protagonist had suffered.
 Child Man and Gender Identity 117

The social stereotypes of gender roles also often lead to women

directing their rage towards themselves rather than at the others.
Take the case of X, an extremely intelligent, sensitive and artistically
gifted young woman. X is the only daughter of a rich, indulgent but
patriarchal father and a somewhat neurotic and depression-prone
mother. As a growing child, X received everything except sensitivity
and affirmation of her being, to the extent that when she was molested
as a three year old, her mother put the blame on her. The father was
willing to indulge all her whims except letting her find her own voice
and her own feet. The only way X could deal with this mixture of
indulgence and insensitivity was by turning her rage inwards and
getting on to the royal road of self destruction through unbridled
impulsivity and self-waste. Though an alumni of one of the most
prestigious institutes of the country, X never bothered to invest in
her own career. She chose to marry a man more than twice her age,
avoided having any children and shunned all role responsibilities.
As she began to gain some insights into her own self, this is how X
described her situation.
“I have been in a ‘room for one passenger life’ which I had con-
structed for myself with the influence of family dynamics. I have tried
nihilism as a way to be safe . . . rejected all values, all relationships,
all commitments and mocked at people who held them dearly.
I have had a shrunken view of my own nature. I believed I loved
myself, but in fact I hardly knew myself. I had no clue how to nurture
and respect myself. Diminished in vitality and intuiting, I feel like I
have been crippled for too long.
I recognize that I fear ‘responsibility.’ This is an important
beginning. If I feel in no way responsible for my own predicament,
then how can I change anything? Responsibility seemed inextricably
bound with the need to blame, to prove that it isn’t my fault and that
the other is wrong, to insist on my own helplessness, perhaps like
my mother used to. When I do win, I feel like a victim, impotent and
angry. When I lose, I feel shame and anger . . . strange that I have
played this pattern over and over in my most valuable relationships
and created a no-win situation for both of us.
118 Part II

I have been a tough judge. I have put myself on trial and sentenced
myself to self-hatred. For the first time I am learning to nurture myself . . .
I am learning what that means and I can see there is a comfort in my
own skin—after all these years.”
With greater flexibility in gender roles, several new avenues have
opened up for women to deploy the dynamic-masculine principle.
Thus, the pursuit of prowess, both physical and intellectual, now plays
a fairly significant role in the female psyche also. In most cases, this
pursuit is not compensatory in nature and is often accompanied by a
fair degree of emotional stability and integration. A distinct advantage
that women have in this respect is that prowess is not linked to the
affirmation of their gender identity and hence does not carry the
same compulsiveness that it does in case of men. On the other hand,
the distinct disadvantage that women have is being at the receiving
end in a patriarchal society. The consequent rage and reactivity lends
another kind of compulsiveness to the pursuit of prowess in women,
i.e., the need to prove that one is as good if not better, and to master
the art of fighting from an underdog location. Thus, it is hardly
surprising that the Child Man psyche in women often manifests itself
in highly animus-ridden individuals, just as in case of men it shows
up in highly anima-ridden individuals.
Another significant factor is that the dynamic masculinity of women
invites a much higher degree of hostility than that of men. I recall
a very senior woman corporate executive having said, “In order to
compete in the corporate world, first the woman has to demonstrate
a high degree of initiative and aggression, and than she is beaten up
for these very qualities because she is experienced as over dominating
and hence, defying the prevalent stereotype of the female gender role.”
The film “Bandit Queen” was an excellent depiction of these mutually
reinforcing twin processes—the rage of the oppressed woman and
the hostile response to her dynamic masculinity.
Thus, it would seem that both for men and women, a significant
source of the Child Man psyche lies in a troubled relationship with one’s
own gender. To an extent, all human beings have to carry the burden
 Child Man and Gender Identity 119

of their gender identity. There is no man who is never plagued by the

doubt “Am I man enough?” and there is no woman who is totally free
from the rage and resentment of being the disadvantaged one. What
distinguishes the Child Man from most other people is the intensity
of this burden and the response to it. Thus, the male Child Man
desperately clings to his gender identity and thereby, becomes a captive
of his repressed anima whereas the female Child Man desperately fights
her gender identity and thereby, becomes a slave of her animus.

Notes
1. Scholars of gender psychology are generally divided into two categories-
a) Essentialists, who believe that there are basic differences between men
and women, and;
b) Constructivists, who believe that all differences between the two genders
are on account of socio-cultural conditioning and stereotypes.
The categorization serves little purpose as both sides are equally valid.
I have therefore chosen to use the broad categories of bio-existential
(biology, evolution etc.) factors and socio-cultural factors. Since the two
sets of factors are closely intertwined and can not be separated from each
other, it would be futile to debate which is more important.
2. In recent times, the term “female impotence” has also been used but its
primary purpose is to highlight that frigidity can also be physiological and
not only psychological. While this may cause the sexual act to be extremely
distasteful or painful for the woman, it does not render it impossible as
erectile dysfunction can.
 CHAPTER 16

Communion Through Agency

Agency/Communion is a basic duality of human existence. Our agentic

side propels us towards autonomy, assertion, individuality and a sense
of wholeness with our selves. It makes us say “The world is because
I am, I am responsible for myself and to myself, I can chart my own
destiny and others provide a context for my being, for my needs and for
my desires.” On the other hand, the need for communion emphasizes
our relatedness, our wish to belong and our need to merge our selves
into a larger entity. It makes us say “I am because the world is and
because my existence has a special meaning for some one other than
me, by myself I am incomplete and my life is meaningless without
relating to others and without belonging to something larger than
my self.”
Behaviorally, the Child Man appears highly agentic: he is self ab-
sorbed, often a compulsive talker, generally insensitive to others and
mostly full of himself. However, his real search is for Communion.
Amongst our three protagonists, this is most clearly visible in case of
Bhima, particularly in his relationship with Draupadi. The strong,
stubborn Bhima becomes a little child in front of Draupadi and is
ever-ready to do her bidding. To an extent, we can also see the same
process in Balarama in his relationship with Krishna. While in case
of Duryodhana, the need for communion is not manifested in any
single relationship (except marginally with Karna), his strong need to
be regarded as the “special one” is hard to miss. Thus, the heightened
agency of the Child Man is the route through which he wishes to fulfill
his need for communion. Ironically the more he tries, the more difficult
it becomes for him to experience any real communion.
 Communion Through Agency 121

Essentially, the Child Man is a person for whom relationships

take precedence over everything else. The categories of right/wrong,
true/false, good/bad, beautiful/ugly have little meaning for him. The
only category which appeals to him is one of “my people” and “not
my people.” Animosity with his own people is extremely painful for
him and so the thought of the two brothers being on opposite sides is
unthinkable for Balarama, whereas for Krishna, the issue is essentially
seen in terms of Dharma and Adharma. Once the Child Man accepts
the “other” as a part of “my people”, all boundaries between him and
the other become unacceptable; and even the slightest of dissonances
can become a source of tremendous anguish, as we saw in case of
Balarama in his relationship with Krishna. In a sense, the “other”
becomes an extension of the Child Man and loses all rights to his/her
own individuality. The Child Man offers his total commitment and
unconditional acceptance without any moral judgment to the “other,”
so long as the “other” is willing to let go of his/her separateness.
This craving for a symbiotic link and the attempts to forge it
through prowess are perhaps rooted in the Child Man’s experience
of inadequate affirmation from the static-feminine source. This
often leaves the individual with a residual feeling of being basically
unlovable. Thus, the individual seeks to enhance his/her prowess to
the point where the other would be compelled to give him the love,
affirmation and special status which he/she so desperately seeks. For
many people, inadequate affirmations only generate despair, futility
and self-waste, as perhaps in the case of Gandhi’s son, Harilal. How-
ever, Harilal’s pursuit of prowess remained a fantasy and never got
actualized. To his credit, the Child Man does not give up easily and
keeps investing in his own prowess but tragically, the more he tries,
the more he fails. Thus, with great effort, Vijay of “Deewar” buys the
building where his mother had worked as a manual laborer only to
be rebuffed by her, further alienating himself from her. It’s the same
fate for Birju in “Mother India” when he steals the pair of bangles
which his mother had pawned with the village money lender. Even our
protagonist, Bhima, fails to elicit the desired reaction from Draupadi
after forcibly taking the flowers from Kubera’s pond.
122 Part II

Implications for Relationships

This mix of high dynamic masculinity and a strong craving for love
has many implications for the Child Man’s world of relationships. He
is either a loner or has a small group of fiercely loyal followers who
are invariably inferior to him in prowess. As Suyodhana points out to
Duryodhana in their final encounter, the only way that he could receive
love was through abject surrender. Thus, invariably, the Child Man
has a strong affinity with the underdog and considerable difficulty in
relating to those who are either his equals or superior in status and
power. Even the otherwise cruel Duryodhana can find some empathy
for the underdog Karna and by and large, restricts his villainy only to
those he regarded as his equals or superiors. The Child Man cannot
see himself as a “helpless victim” though internally he may feel that
he has been given a raw deal. As Duryodhana says to his mother, “I
am not one of those who simply bemoan their ill-fate. If fate has been
cruel to me, I have to take matters into my own hands and do the best
that I can.” His own “victimhood” is often projected onto others for
whom he can act as the “saviour.” In this sense, the Child Man may be
regarded as a co-dependent individual who has a strong need for others
to depend upon him and is unable to forge meaningful relationships
with those who don’t need to. When the “other” is willing to let go
of his/her individuality, the Child Man can be extremely caring and
generous, at times even to the point of his own detriment. Thus, it took
a very simple set up for the enemies of Sunny (in “The Godfather”) to
provoke his rage by making his sister call him about the abuse from her
husband, to make him abandon all caution and get killed. However,
when the “other” wishes to preserve his/her own individuality, he/she
is left with no other choice except to desert him, no matter how strong
his/her love for the Child Man. In this sense, the Child Man’s attempts
at communion invariably become self defeating.
I knew of an exceptionally gifted teacher who had a strong following
amongst his students but was intensely disliked by almost all his col-
leagues. He belonged to the rare breed of intellectuals who could
combine erudition with originality and creative thinking, but never
 Communion Through Agency 123

received the acclaim which he deserved. In part, it was due to his

own unwillingness to consolidate his insights and link them to the
existing body of knowledge but it was also partly because of his messy
interfaces. Even more sadly, almost all of his protégées were forced to
desert him once they found their own feet.
While the Child Man revels in other people’s dependence on him,
his own dependence on others is a totally different matter. Any favour
done to him is either repaid ten times over in double quick time or,
taken for granted and attributed totally to the other person’s need
to give. In either case, the Child Man remains free of any sense of
obligation. Thus, the people on whom the Child Man depends are
often treated with insensitivity and callousness and run the risk of
considerable abuse, particularly if the other person also has a strong
streak of co-dependency. However, the co-dependency of the other
person is of a very different kind than that of the Child Man. Whereas
in case of the Child Man, the co-dependency is accompanied by a need
to dominate, for the other, it is accompanied by a need to submit. In a
sense, the other becomes a counter-point to the Child Man. While the
Child Man is seeking communion through agency, the other is seeking
agency through communion. A dramatic illustration of this dynamic
was portrayed in the film “Raging Bull” in the relationship between
the boxing champion Jake La Motta and his wife Vickie.
Essentially, the Child Man’s relationships are governed by a strong
craving for the static-feminine and a troubled relationship with
the static-masculine. Interestingly, in many portrayals of the Child
Man psyche, the protagonist has a strong dyadic relationship with
someone who is high on static-femininity and low on static mas-
culinity (generally a side-kick, like Circuit in the “Munnabhai” films).
However, eventually in such portrayals, the protagonist dies in the
arms of someone who embodies the positive side of both principles,
i.e., is both loving and caring as well as highly principled. Generally,
this character is the mother (“Mother India,” “Deewar,” “Vaastav,”
“Agneepath”) but sometimes it could also be the childhood sweet-
heart (“Muqaddar ka Sikandar”) or even a brother (“Gunga Jamuna”).
124 Part II

The theme is unmistakable—the static masculine, which in Child Man’s

eyes is the major hurdle between him and the static-feminine, has to
be paid its due for any chance of redemption.

Man-Woman Relationships
The dynamics of the Child Man’s relationships are played out most
dramatically in his/her man-woman relations. The male Child Man
invariably gets attracted to a static-feminine woman and generally
relates to her with a mixture of deification and oppression. Once he
discovers the negative side of the static-feminine, the “love of his life”
turns into an insufferable, possessive nag from whom he desperately
keeps trying to escape either through other relationships, activities
or substance abuse, unless of course he learns to accept the natural
imperatives of the static-feminine and the social injunctions of the
static-masculine.
The case of the female Child Man is even more complex. This is
so because her self-concept is based on a strong denial of her gender
identity and she carries considerable disdain towards the static-
feminine, both within herself and in others. Consequently, it becomes
difficult for her to find someone who is “man enough” for her and
even when she does, she rarely acknowledges her own attraction and
turns the other into a competitor/adversary. The relationship of Scarlett
O’Hara with Rhett Butler (“Gone with the Wind”) is a classic example
of this phenomenon. On the other hand, the static-feminine man offers
her some hope for affirmation and acceptance but is seen by her as too
much of a weakling to deserve any real respect and therefore, his af-
firmation becomes meaningless. The affirmation which she actually
seeks is from the static-masculine but here again, she finds herself in
a curious double bind. Since to her, the static-masculine is essentially
an oppressor (either by himself or as a representative of the unfair
patriarchal order), she has the compulsion to defy him and this, in
turn, becomes a major obstacle to receiving the love and affirmation
which she so desperately seeks.
 Communion Through Agency 125

I know of a woman who lost her mother when she was barely three
years old. Her father was either unwilling or incapable of taking up
any role responsibility and hence found the easy way out of entrusting
the task of bringing her up to an assorted set of relatives. During
this period, she suffered considerable abuse—physical, mental and
sexual. Not surprisingly, she grew up with a strong belief that she was
her only resource. That she still managed to carve out a successful and
meaningful life for herself, speaks volumes of her inner strength and
resilience. However, most of her relationships remain caught between
her strong need to give and receive love and her basic mistrust of the
world both in terms of competence and intent. With her innate warmth
and generosity, she keeps drawing people to herself but at the slightest
hint of dissonance all the old ghosts come rushing back. In such mo-
ments, she is experienced as obstinate, opinionated and controlling
which leaves her feeling even more misunderstood and unloved. This
process is even more acute in the man-woman relationships because it
is virtually impossible to find a man who does not carry any residues
of the oppressive patriarchal order.
Male and female Child Men are two sides of the same coin, simi-
lar as well as different. Both crave for affirmation of their being but
seek it in a way which is self defeating. The male Child Man is caught
in his fear of the negative side of the static-feminine and his disdain
towards the static-masculine. Consequently, he keeps demanding
affirmation—some times as a petulant child and some times as loyal
pet. In a sense, what he is saying is “How can you not love me? I will do
all that it takes, including committing excesses and throwing tantrums
if required, to receive your attention and affirmation.” On the other
hand, the female Child Man is caught in her fear of the oppressive side
of the static-masculine and her disdain towards the static-feminine.
Consequently, she goes out of her way to test the genuineness of
the affirmation which she receives. In a sense, what she is saying is
“How can anyone ever love me? I will keep making myself as undesir-
able and obnoxious as possible till you are forced to accept that your
love is not for real.”
126 Part II

A direct consequence of this is that in both cases, the individual

finds it very difficult to yield to any kind of external authority from the
other gender. Thus, it was easy for Krishna to dissuade Duryodhana
from following his mother’s instructions which led, ultimately, to his
downfall. Similarly, the female Child Man has a compulsive need to
defy any external male authority since the only “male” that she can
listen to is the one which resides within her self, particularly when she
is in trouble. It is only through gracing the static-masculine in himself
that the male Child Man can overcome his terror of the negative side of
the static-feminine in the other. Similarly, by gracing the static-feminine
side of her self, the female Child Man overcomes her paranoia of the
oppressive static-masculine in the other.
 CHAPTER 17

The Child Man and the “EQ-wallahs”

Thanks to Daniel Goleman, terms like Emotional intelligence and

Emotional Quotient (EQ) have become a part of popular vocabulary,
particularly in the corporate circles. Based on the work of Peter Salovey
and John Mayer, Goleman has postulated the following five elements
which constitute emotional intelligence

1. Self-Awareness Knowing one’s internal states, preferences,

resources and Intuitions
2. Self-Regulation Managing one’s internal states, impulses and
resources
3. Motivation Emotional tendencies that guide or facilitate
reaching goals
4. Empathy Awareness of others’ feelings needs and
concerns
5. Social Skills Adeptness at inducing desirable response in
others.

If our protagonists were to take an EQ test based on this framework,

they are sure to fail rather miserably but so, perhaps, would the likes
of Van Gogh, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Mirza Ghalib, Michael Jackson,
John McEnroe and scores of exceptionally gifted individuals. It is
tempting to postulate an inverse relationship between creative genius
and emotional maturity, but perhaps the real issue lies in the lop-sided
perspective of emotional intelligence that we hold. Our notion of
emotional intelligence is heavily influenced by a context in which the
“market place” is the ultimate god and “patri-centricity” the only
128 Part II

viable way to live. Note, for instance, that the above list consists
primarily of elements of the static-masculine and dynamic-masculine
principles. The dynamic-feminine is totally missing while there is a
token recognition of the static-feminine through “empathy.” However,
even this is diluted, as “empathy” has primarily been used in the sense
of understanding, fair play and problem solving rather than in the
sense of love, affirmation and compassion. The basic assumption
seems to be that each individual is an isolated entity and operates on
Ayn Rand’s principle of “enlightened self interest.”
Thus, the five elements put together conjure up a picture of a suc-
cessful corporate executive who is in total control of himself and is
generally on top of his situation, someone who feels but the expression
of his feelings is governed by appropriateness and functionality,
someone who is well liked and whose relationships and interfaces are
smooth, someone who can assert without being aggressive, someone
who is never overpowered by emotion, someone who is generally
“cool and composed” and gets angry only for the “right reasons”
but even then, never “loses it” and ensures that his anger is only used
constructively. In other words, what Mr. Goleman has proposed is a
framework where the “emotive and primitive” are alive but strictly
under the thumb of the “rational and civilized,” a framework which is
willing to accommodate Dionysus provided he accepts the supremacy
of Apollo. Unfortunately, Dionysus knows that this would finish him
off and hence prefers to live in the dark recesses of our souls, rather
than become a slave of Apollo.
In a sense, the Child Man is that part of our selves which refuses to
surrender to Apollonian tyranny. It neither listens to the voice of reason
nor does it pay any heed to pragmatic considerations or social/moral
conventions. Like a child, it relentlessly pursues whatever catches
it’s fancy and keeps playing with fire. Without a second thought, it
goes in search of the flowers desired by the beloved, no matter what
the consequences. It is at the source of all our heroism and all our
villainy. When accompanied by a strong mission (either for the self, or
for the context), it strongly resonates with poet Mohammed. Iqbal’s
famous verse
 Child Man and the “EQ-wallahs 129

“Khudi ko kar buland itna,

ki har taqdeer se pehle
khuda bande se khud puche
bata teri raza kya hai”

(Take your prowess to such heights that even the Almighty has to seek
your concurrence before finalizing your destiny).
Similarly, when accompanied by a sense of well-being, it leads us
to playfulness, spontaneity, curiosity, adventure, exuberance and
aliveness. It turns the world into a beautiful garden for us to play in
or into a canvass for us to paint on in any manner that we feel like
without any regard for the output. It releases us from the compulsions
of goal-directed pursuits and our activities and expressions become an
end in themselves. However, devoid of a strong mission and positive
sense of well-being (as happens in the case of the Child Man psyche),
it can easily become a source of meaningless destruction. In any case,
the transformative potential of this psyche is far too threatening for
the stability of the existing order. Therefore, it is hardly surprising that
in most modern cultures, the process of socialization invariably entails
suppression/repression of this part. The net result is that in our efforts
to contain and manage the down side of this psyche, even its positive
potential gets lost. Simply put, the process of socialization often ends
up chopping off the head in order to eliminate the head-ache.
Even more importantly, the suppression/repression comes with
its own unintended consequences. The Child Man does not vanish
but merely gets pushed into the psychic/social underbelly, where it
becomes even more deadly. A dramatic account of this phenomenon
was portrayed by Agatha Christie in her novel “The Curtain: Poirot’s
Last Case,” through the character of Stephen Norton. Norton was
the only son of a bossy woman. He was mild-mannered and quite
incapable of asserting himself. He was slightly lame and so unable
to take part in games and sports in his childhood. He had a morbid
fear of violence and was often ridiculed by his friends when he was
a child. He grew into a likable sort of a chap who no one took much
notice of. Thus, in behavioural terms, Norton was almost the exact
130 Part II

opposite of our three protagonists. Yet, the rage within him was so
strong that he triggered off a series of murders by simply acting as a
catalyst and influencing others to commit the crime. Even the great
Hercule Poirot had no answer to this masterful technique and had to
kill Norton himself before taking his own life.
The villainy of a Duryodhana is visible and direct whereas the
villainy of a Norton or a Shakuni is a lot more subtle and hence that
much more deadly. Yet, the Duryodhanas of this world are likely to
frighten us a lot more than a Norton or a Shakuni. Is it because of our
unconscious belief that we are smart enough to deal with a Norton or
a Shakuni? Or, is it because of our excessive fear of the “primitive”
and our relative blindness to the villainy of the “civilized?” Perhaps,
if Duryodhana was to use Suyodhana as a mask rather than throw-
ing him into the dungeons, like Norton, he may well have been able
to get away with several murders.
Evolutionary biologists tell us that our primitive, instinctual and
emotive brain came much before our rational and analytical brain
and that it plays a vital role in our survival, both as individuals and
as a species. It would be reasonable to assume that survival is possible
without the rational brain but not so without the primitive brain.
Yet, mostly we associate “primitive” with something which is dark,
undesirable, savage, terrifying, amoral and totally devoid of virtues
like love, compassion and altruism. Evidence from the animal world
does not support such a belief and it has even been suggested (for
example, by Richard Dawkins) that virtues like altruism may well be
products of an evolutionary process rather than thought-out choices
of our rational self.
Nonetheless, the “primitive, emotive and instinctual” part of our
selves is at least recognized and even acknowledged as useful by the
“EQ-wallahs” provided, of course, it remains under the control of
the rational and civilized. On the other hand, the trans-rational part
of ourselves (the spiritual and the mystical) is totally ignored. Thus,
not merely the alcoholic Ghalib but also the epileptic and mystical
Ramakrishna would fare rather poorly in an EQ test. What this ignores
is the necessity of respecting and integrating all the three elements.
 Child Man and the “EQ-wallahs 131

As Hanuman advises his brother Bhima, wholeness necessarily entails

the coming together of the primal (emotive and instinctual), the
civilised (rational and analytical) and the trans-rational (divine and
spiritual). None of these can exist in isolation as brilliantly portrayed
by Dostoevsky in his masterpiece, “The Brothers Karamazov.”
The eldest brother, Dmitri, is stormy, passionate, violent and un-
bridled, and evokes a mixture of attraction and fear in others. He ends
up being convicted (though wrongfully) of killing his father. The second
brother, Ivan, who is erudite, composed, highly rational and civilized,
is generally respected but not close to anyone and ends up with brain
fever and a feeling of guilt of having instigated his illegitimate brother
to kill the old man. The youngest brother, Alyosha, starts off in a
monastery to become a priest but comes back to the outside world on
the advice of his mentor. The sensitive, compassionate and spiritually
gifted Alyosha is liked and trusted by everyone, but generally fails to
significantly impact any situation, except to some extent, a group of
teenagers. It is extremely interesting that at no point in the book (except
for a very short time at the beginning) do the three brothers come
together. Also, there is virtually no direct exchange between Dmitri and
Ivan and most of their inner struggles are portrayed in conversation
with Aloysha who primarily acts as a listener and receptacle of their
woes. While Dostoevsky’s strong emotive leaning towards Aloysha
comes out clearly, there is also a clear recognition that without Dmitri
and Ivan, even Aloysha is incomplete. As Lisa (the only girl with whom
Aloysha could have had a romantic relationship), says to him, “You
are unfit to be a husband. I’d marry you, and suddenly give you a note
to take to someone I’d fallen in love with after you, and you would
take it and make sure to deliver it, and even bring back the reply. And
you’d be forty years old and still be carrying such notes.”
In contrast, women are instinctively (and almost in spite of
themselves) drawn towards the wild, impulsive and irresponsible
Dmitri. During his trial, there is a clear divide between the two genders,
with all the women hoping for his acquittal and all the men wanting
him punished. The parallel with the large female following of the ugly,
erratic and wild Dionysus is hard to miss. Perhaps there is a message
here—the primitive and wild parts of our selves are as important and
132 Part II

necessary as the civilized and spiritual parts. The three Karamazov

brothers need to befriend each other rather than try to eliminate or
seek dominance over each other. However, the stranglehold of the
rational and civilized over our notions of emotional maturity propels
us to treat the wild and primitive with fear and revulsion and the
spiritual and trans-rational with skepticism.
Ken Wilber has used the terms pre-rational, rational and trans-
rational for these three stages and posited an evolutionary relationship
between them. The moot question is whether the movement across
these stages occurs through the evolutionary process of “including
and transcending” or through “suppression and denial.” As we saw
in the chapter on “The Age of Reason,” when the movement happens
through suppression and denial it creates a disassociation between the
realm of emotion and the realm of reason. Recently, a friend shared
with me his experience of having asked a colleague in an official
meeting whether she was angry. The response he got was an irritated
denial and a statement to the effect that her feelings were her personal
matter and had nothing to do with the issue at hand. This stubborn
insistence that our logic and rationality operate independent of our
feelings and the naïve belief that that our feelings are exclusively are
our own only is a direct consequence of this disassociation between
the realm of emotion and the realm of reason.
A similar disassociation can occur (and in fact, is frequently
encountered) between the realm of reason and the realm of faith. Often,
we hear comments such as “This is a matter of faith and has nothing to
do with either reason or emotion.” Thus, faith becomes a convenient
crutch for blind following, adherence to superstition, communal
intolerance and violence. As Wilber points out, since both pre-rational
and trans-rational are non-rational in nature, it is very easy to mistake
one for the other. A mere infatuation can be easily mistaken for deep
sublime love, and genuine deep insights of a mystic can be treated as
mere hallucinations of a schizophrenic. Notions of maturity which
over-emphasise the Apollonian principle are particularly susceptible
to such disassociation leaving all three, Dmitri, Ivan and Alyosha, to
suffer in their isolated hells.
 CHAPTER 18

Road to Manhood

It is often said that the journey from being a “boy” to becoming a

“man” entails dying to the mother and being born to the father or, in
other words leaving the world of women and entering the adult male
world. In all ancient tribal societies, this transition was accompanied
by elaborate rites and rituals of initiation. These were, of course,
designed for a context in which the social roles of the two genders were
heavily differentiated and served the important purpose of preparing
the individual to take up his assigned social role. Additionally, they
also fulfilled the psychological need to be mentored by an adult male,
particularly with respect to integrating the wild and primitive side
of ourselves instead of either repressing/suppressing it or getting
overwhelmed by it. Robert Bly has used the term “male mothering”
and used the fairy tale of Iron John to highlight what this process may
entail. The initial parts of the story are particularly relevant for our
purpose and hence are being recounted below.
“Once upon a time, there was a thick forest near a kingdom. Any
one who entered this forest never returned and so it was declared
“out of bounds” by the king. One day, a hunter approached the king
and sought his permission to enter the forest. The king refused at first,
but finally relented. The hunter entered the forest with his dog. Soon
the dog, following a scent, ran away and went and stood near a pond.
A long hairy hand appeared from the pond and took the dog under
the water. Seeing this, the hunter returned to the city and fetched
some buckets and some people to assist him. They emptied out the
pond and found a wild, hairy man on the floor of the pond whose
complexion was that of rusty iron. They tied up the wild man with
134 Part II

ropes and brought him back into the city. The king was extremely
delighted, rewarded the hunter and put the wild man into a strong iron
cage. The cage was placed in the courtyard of the palace and properly
locked. The king forbade everyone to open the cage and gave the key
of the lock to the queen for safekeeping.
One day, while the eight year old son of the king was playing in
the courtyard, his golden ball fell into the wild man’s cage. The prince
requested the wild man to return the ball, but the later insisted that first
the prince should open the door of the cage and let him out. Hearing
this, the prince ran away in fright but since he very much wanted his
ball back, returned soon thereafter to tell the wild man that even if
he wanted to, he couldn’t open the cage as he did not have the key.
The wild man responded by informing him that the key was under
his mother’s pillow. Gathering all his courage, the prince stole the key
and opened the door of the cage. As promised, the wild man returned
the golden ball to the prince and started to walk away. Seeing this,
the prince felt even more frightened and pleaded with the wild man,
‘If you go away they will punish me!’
‘That is right,’ replied the wild man and then turned around to pick
up the prince, put him on his shoulder and took him into the forest
with him.”
The rest of the story deals with the initiations and adventures of
the prince, first in the forest and then in another nearby kingdom and
his eventual coming of age.
The story has several important messages. It tells us that beneath
the deep pond of our psyche, there exists a wild primitive being. The
terror generated by it is so strong that most of the time we do not
even enter the depths of our being. Most civilized societies place it in
a cage with strong prohibitions related to letting it out. Interestingly,
the wild man is not killed, presumably because of the unconscious
recognition that his existence is imperative for our own survival. This
is exactly what has been stated earlier about the relationship between
Apollo and Dionysus (see the chapter on “EQ-wallahs”). Dionysus
must exist, but only as a slave of Apollo.
 Road to Manhood 135

Further, the encounter with the wild man is generally preceded by

the loss of the golden ball (a symbol of our wholeness and grandeur).
In other words a narcissistic injury creates the trigger for the wild
and primitive side of our selves to come to the surface. However
the comfortable world of the mother (a symbol of static-feminine in
the story) and the injunctions of the father (a symbol of the static-
masculine) inhibit us from letting the wild man come out into the open.
Thus, only if we decide to release ourselves from these clutches, the
wild man can become a potential guide and mentor.
The Child Man’s journey to manhood begins with a feeling of
being ejected out of the realm of the mother and a feeling of being
let down in the realm of the father. Thus, the Child Man dies to the
mother and is never born to the father. All three of our protagonists
carry a feeling of rejection from the mother and none of them has
any faith in the established order of the static-masculine world of the
father to heal their narcissistic injury and restore them to wholeness.
This is most stark in case of Duryodhana who finds his blind father a
helpless and impotent victim and feels that all the other father figures
(grandsire Bhishma and uncle Vidura) are unduly partial towards his
cousins, the Pandavas.
In the face of this failed dependency both from the realm of the
mother and that of the father, the Child Man surrenders totally to the
wild and primitive being within himself, but has no “Iron John” to
guide him through this journey. He does confront his fear of the “wild
and primitive,” but the rest of his journey is full of hits and misses,
with more misses than hits. Thus the wild side is fully awakened in
the Child Man psyche but it never matures into the spontaneity of an
adult and remains a captive of his narcissistic wounds and infantile
impulsivity. Bly quotes the police chief of Detroit as having commented,
“the young men we arrest not only don’t have any responsible older
man in their house they have never met one. When you look at a
gang you are looking at young men who have no older men around
them at all. Gang members try desperately to learn courage, family
loyalty, and discipline from each other. It works for a few, but for
most it doesn’t.”
136 Part II

In a similar vein, Bhima bemoans his fate. “I had no one to guide and
mentor me. Yudhisthira had Vidura, Arjuna had Krishna, Hanuman
had Rama, even Duryodhana had Shakuni, but who did I have?”
Out of our three protagonists, only Duryodhana had a “mentor” of
sorts, but even he (Shakuni) could hardly be considered a role model
for responsible adult manhood. Thus, on their own, our protagonists
learn what ever they can in a sketchy, unguided and coincidental
manner. Bhima does discover his nourishing side through working
in the kitchen and learns some humility through his encounter with
his elder brother, Hanuman. Similarly, Balarama learns to surrender
(though reluctantly) to the superior wisdom of his younger brother, and
to a limited extent, Duryodhana learns some “peer loyalty” through
his relationship with Karna. But for the most part, their concept of
“masculinity” remains primarily of the macho variety. They neither
discover the softer and nourishing side of masculinity nor the logos
principle of discernment and discrimination.
Logos and Eros are two central principles of Jungian psychology
and are generally associated with our masculine and feminine sides
respectively. The Logos principle creates focused awareness which
enables us to differentiate one thing from another, and thereby
see ourselves, other people, objects and ideas as separate entities
without confusing them with each other. It is the source of clarity,
discrimination, objective analysis and judgment. On the other hand, the
Eros principle emphasizes the interconnectedness of all people, cre-
atures, objects and ideas. It is the source of bonding, empathy, love,
beauty, sensuality, harmony, etc. Both these principles have their
negative side. The negative sides of Logos are apathy, indifference,
isolation, meaninglessness, cruelty and a propensity to treat one self
and others as objects/instruments. The negative sides of Eros are
hypersensitivity, confusion, sentimentality, indiscipline, naivete, co-
dependence and a propensity for the diffusion of boundaries between
one self and others.
It is easy to see that in case of the Child Man, the Logos principle
remains underdeveloped and that he is primarily governed by the Eros
principle. While in Balarama and Bhima, both the negative and
 Road to Manhood 137

positive aspects of the Eros principle are visible, in Duryodhana

we witness mostly the negative side. Perhaps, there is some relation
between the underdeveloped Logos in the Child Man and his excessive
preoccupation with “prowess.” If Logos and prowess are taken as the two
basic anchors of masculinity, then the absence of one can easily lead to
a higher dependence on the other. In this sense, the Child Man’s search
for prowess can be regarded as essentially compensatory in nature.
Further, since his narcissistic injury provides him with the energy to
fuel his endless pursuit of prowess, he can not afford the luxury of
healing his wounds. Thus, Duryodhana proclaims to his mother, “I
like to be discontent!” In a similar vein, Vijay (the protagonist of
Hindi film “Trishul”), states, “My wounds don’t heal easily!” Thus, the
Child Man can neither escape his wounded masculinity nor allow it to
heal. He continues to hold on to a highly macho notion of masculinity,
engages in an endless pursuit of prowess and keeps hoping that one
day he will become macho enough to call himself a “man.” The end
result is that the wild and primitive being within him gets enlarged
but never matures into responsible adulthood.
 CHAPTER 19

The Child Man and Our Times

The story of our protagonists belongs to a mythological era which

was very different from our own. The techno-economic conditions of
human existence have changed considerably which in turn have meant
a significant reconfiguration of family, social, gender and political
relations. All these have several implications for the Child Man psyche.
Until this point, most of our reflections have centered around the
personal context and proclivities of the Child Man. In this chapter,
we will explore the macro-context of human existence in our times
and how that impacts the Child Man psyche. For this purpose, we will
make a somewhat arbitrary distinction between the social, external and
structural features of the present day context and the psychological,
internal and emotive features. This distinction is necessary because, as
we will see, these two sets of features pull the Child Man in opposite
directions. The social, external and structural conditions of the present
day world are such that they leave no legitimate space for the Child
Man. On the other hand, the inner world of the individual is getting
increasingly dominated and governed by the Child Man. A telling
example of this phenomenon is the increasing racial and communal
intolerance in a world which, at least structurally, is becoming more
globalized. But before we venture into the exploration of the impli-
cations of the stress generated by these opposing forces, we first need
to understand the nature of these forces.

External and Structural Features

Some of the elements of the social, external and structural world that we
live in which directly impact the Child Man psyche are as follows:
 Child Man and Our Times 139

a) Synthetic and sanitized world

Some time ago, a few monkeys visited our modern urban housing
complex and found relatively easy access to food and open spaces to
play in. Not surprisingly, and much to the horror of the residents, they
chose to make a habit of visiting us more regularly. Most of us were
ill-equipped to handle such a situation and soon we had a crisis on
our hands. A Bhima or a Balarama, for whom such encounters were
an every day affair, would have found our reactions utterly ridiculous
and extremely hilarious. However, for us, it was no laughing matter
since our own encounters with the animal world had been largely
restricted to domesticated pets, zoos, jungle safaris and knowledge
derived from T.V. channels. We had absolutely no idea how to deal
with this menace other than keeping all our door and windows
firmly locked.
We live in a world which has firmly closed all its doors and windows
to any unwelcome intrusion from the “wild and primitive.” This is
not restricted only to the potentially threatening aspects of nature but
often is extended to its benign aspects as well. It is virtually impossible
these days to get naturally ripened mangoes since most of them are
plucked early and then ripened artificially. Chirping of birds and starlit
nights are a rarity in large metropolises, and rain is experienced by us
through the safety of our balconies or through the inconvenience of
water-logged roads. No wonder that events like a “rain dance” provide
a great commercial opportunity for five star hotels and eco-tourism
has become a great money spinner.
The synthetic and sanitized nature of our world can also be seen in
the realm of human emotions and relationships. As part of my work,
I often come across grown up men and women who are totally at a
loss when they have to deal with raw emotion, either in themselves or
in others, to the extent that even someone crying or shouting becomes
a major catastrophe for them. This discomfort of dealing with raw
emotion has caused most human encounters to become increasingly
superficial and transactional. There is a growing tendency to connect
with others in as “indirect” a way as possible. Thus, mediums like text
140
140 Part
Part II
II

messaging, chatting
messaging, chatting onon the
the net
net or
or on
on e-mails
e-mails are
are preferred
preferred over
over aa face
face
to
to face
face connect
connect oror talking.
talking. While
While economy
economy and
and logistical
logistical convenience
may be some of the "rational" explanations for this
may be some of the “ rational” explanations for this trend,
trend, they
they are
unlikely
unlikely to
to be
be the
the only
only reason.
reason. In
In fact,
fact, some
some advertisements
advertisements eveneven show
people
people sitting
sitting next
next to
to each
each other
other andand communicating
communicating through SMS.
through SMS.
Perhaps the emotive reason for this trend is that
Perhaps the emotive reason for this trend is that it fulfills our need
fulfi lls our
to
to connect
connect with
with other
other people
people and
and also
also protect
protect ourselves
ourselves from our
from our
unconscious
unconscious fears
fears and
and anxieties
anxieties of
of deeper
deeper human
human encounters.
encounters. After
After all,
internet
internet sex
sex is
is much
much safer
safer than
than the
the real
real thing.
thing. The
The following
following cartoon
strip
strip illustrates
illustrates this
this process
process –-

BETWEEN FRIENDS
- ',-H>'. a-:* likoji. I../.; ... MO we COUUj
Onl'OUP Ohi
WOW—THAT
Won La BE ^Bve Tto flttl.fn.LH
epiCH OTflERfluUSEE fl SOUUS... mer
(C ftM£>ecrueb. emorrcows i® r>ii,c.'.r.-x
coirmewrs DftippjuG-
UJHftr's I'AiY'jH'jjc IfJTtSLBtriOfJ ' j u>iW sftfecnsm ^—a
IN oiui. uvea; •

Imagine the
Imagine the plight
plight of
of the
the Child
Child MMan in this
a n in this synthetic
synthetic and
and sanitized
sanitized
scenario. The
scenario. The Child
Child Man,
Man, whowho is
is primarily
primarily governed
governed byby his
his wild
wild and
and
primitive side, seems like a total misfi t in this world.
primitive side, seems like a total misfit in this world.

b)
b) Less
Less patriarchal
patriarchal but
but more patri-centric
more patri-centric

Patriarchy and
Patriarchy and patri-centricity
patri-centricity are are related
related butbut separate
separate concepts.
concepts.
Patriarchy refers essentially to the balance of power in the relationship
Patriarchy refers essentially to the balance of power in the relationship
between the
between the two
two genders.
genders. Thus,
Thus, preference
preference for
for aa male
male child,
child, subjugation
subjugation
of
of women
women and and treating
treating them
them as
as property
property or or weaker
weaker andand hence
hence inin need
of protection, etc., are signs of a patriarchal culture. On the other
of protection, etc., are signs of a patriarchal culture. On the other
hand,
hand, patri-centricity
patri-centricity refers
refers to
to aa value
value system
system and
and perspective
perspective which
which isis
primarily governed by our masculine side. is primarily Logos
primarily governed by our masculine side. It is primarily Logos driven,
has
has strong
strong elements
elements of of both
both the
the static-masculine
static-masculine and and the
the dynamic-
masculine
masculine andand is
is characterized
characterized by by features
features such
such asas aa strong
strong conscience,
purposefulness, goal-directed activity, emphasis on rules
purposefulness, goal-directed activity, emphasis on rules and
and prin-
ciples,
ciples, clear
clear boundaries,
boundaries, personal
personal autonomy
autonomy and and the
the like.
like. On
On the other
the other
hand,
hand, matri-centricity
matri-centricity isis more
more Eros
Eros driven,
driven, has
has stronger
stronger elements
elements ofof the
static
static and
and dynamic
dynamic feminine
feminine and
and isis characterized
characterized by by features
features such
such as
as a
 Child Man and Our Times 141

celebration of life, caring and compassion, emphasis on relationships,

interconnectedness, spontaneous expression, inclusivity, unconditional
affirmation of the self and others, etc.
Admittedly, there is a relationship between patriarchy and patri-
centricity and the latter is only a by product of the former. Still, it is
important to make a distinction between the two as they seem to be
moving in opposite directions. Whereas patriarchy seems to be on the
decline, patri-centricity, on the other hand, seems to be on the rise.
While we are still reeling from the impact of centuries of patriarchy
and are nowhere near true equality between the genders, the rise of
feminism and the efforts of several reformers have at least started the
process of developing more equitable relations between the genders.
However, the reverse seems to be happening in the balance between
patri-centricity and matri-centricity. In fact, the balance of power
between the two genders has improved largely because of a higher
patri-centric orientation among women. To that extent, we seem to
be living in a world which is becoming less patriarchal but more patri-
centric. This duality is strongly manifest in our notions of leadership.
For most people, an ideal leader is some one who is highly patri-centric
without being overtly macho. The world-wide euphoria generated
around the election of President Obama (who seems to have created
a public image precisely on these lines), is an indicator of this trend.
Not that the alpha-male (who is both patriarchal and patri-centric)
is totally out, but he is fast giving way to the gentle and persuasive
patri-centricity of the less macho man.
However, the Child Man seems to be getting edged out from
both sides in the present day world. As we saw earlier, his notion
of masculinity is of a macho variety with the pursuit of prowess
being a compensation for his being essentially driven by Eros and
not Logos. He is patriarchal without being very patri-centric. In
fact, in many ways, he can be called a matri-centric patriarch. His
high emotionality, impulsivity, diffused boundaries, strong loyalties
and concern for relationships, etc., indicate a strong matri-centric
orientation. On the other hand, he is neither particularly focused on
purposefulness nor very concerned about order, which are the main
142 Part II

anchors of patri-centricity. Simultaneously, his preoccupation with his

masculinity makes it extremely difficult for him to see other people,
particularly women and those whom he regards as placed lower than
him, as his equals. Thus, it is extremely important for him to “call
the shots” and always be in the driver’s seat. In leadership roles, he
becomes extremely macho and brings in a high degree of energy, but
is unable to strategize and is reluctant to transcend his personal likes
and dislikes. Not surprisingly, in modern day organizations, he rarely
moves beyond middle management roles and is generally looked at
as someone who is good only during the “start up” phase or can be
used as a “trouble shooter.”

c) The all important market-place

In many ways, our present day world can be seen as a huge market
place where products, services, skills, competencies, ideas, theories,
etc., are being constantly bought and sold. At least in theory, there
is no room in the market place for prejudices of race, religion, caste
or creed. They are of no significance. All that matters is what you
have to offer, not who you are and where you belong. In the market
place, every one is equal and has the same opportunity to stand up
and be counted. All transactions are expected to follow rational and
objective laws of economics and not be influenced by subjective
affiliative considerations. The valuation of any offering is deter-
mined by the dynamics of supply and demand—intrinsic worth and
personal subjective assessments are of secondary importance and
in the final analysis, must bow to the “price tag” which the market
puts on any offering. A refusal to accept the finality of the “market
judgment” is fraught with danger of extinction and hence, any kind
of narcissistic adherence to one’s own subjective evaluation can be
suicidal.
Self interest, freedom of personal choice and mutual agreement
are the main pillars of the market place. In other words, the kind of
self-centricity which it supports is more of the egoistical variety than
the narcissistic variety. As we saw earlier, the Child Man is more of a
 Child Man and Our Times 143

narcissist and less of an egoist. His main motive is vengeance and not
achievement or even self interest. He is quite capable of making “self
destructive” choices in order to fulfill his need for vengeance. Also,
his notion of strong personal loyalties pushes him towards decisions
which are governed by affiliative factors rather than cold economic
logic. Finally, it is extremely difficult for the Child Man to let go of
his subjective assessments. Thus, no matter what others may think,
Duryodhana remains convinced that he and his friends can get the
better of Krishna and the Pandavas.

d) World of interdependent islands

Modern man is simultaneously a loner and part of a mammoth and

complex network. His world is shrinking and expanding at the same
time. On the one hand, he leads an isolated, secluded life in a small
nuclear family with a few close friends and relatives and a large number
of faceless entities with whom he transacts professionally or socially.
On the other hand, he is deeply connected and influenced by people
and events which are far away from him and with which he has not
even a remote personal link. Choices made by governments and large
organizations which are thousands of miles away can significantly
affect his own fortunes. Thus, while the number of people who are
significant to him in his personal emotive world may be rapidly
decreasing, the number of people that he has to transact with and he
is dependent upon is increasing all the time.
In such a scenario, it makes eminent sense for him to keep his
interfaces as functional, harmonious and as pleasant as possible and
to keep his “real” feelings to himself. Any spontaneous expression
can be potentially hazardous and a “pleasant smile” and “amicable
demeanor” are one’s best allies. Note, for instance, the emphasis “self
help” literature places on being pleasant and amicable no matter how
one is actually feeling. It is easy to see the difficulty that this scenario
creates for our angry, impulsive and tumultuous Child Man who
in all probability will end up being seen as “bull in a china shop” in
this world.
144 Part II

Inner and Emotive Features

Clearly, the modern day world, in terms of its external, social and
structural features is no place for the Child Man. However, a dramat-
ically different picture emerges if we look at the present day world
in terms how it impacts the individual psyche, the residual feelings it
leaves the individual with and the coping mechanisms that it offers. Let
us look at our present day world in terms of its internal, psychological
and emotive features and how it provides an extremely fertile ground
in which the Child Man can flourish.

a) Compulsion to be happy

The modern man finds himself under intense pressure to always be

happy or at the very least, pretend to be happy. In the market place,
he has to put his best foot forward and cannot afford the luxury
of letting his distress get the better of him. The requirement of a
smiling, pleasant demeanor creates the same pressure. Pop psych-
ology extolling the virtues of positive thinking and confident body
language advises him that any negative feelings or thoughts must be
immediately expelled from the system. In many ways, his situation is
similar to that of prince Siddhartha, who was made a captive by his
father and kept in the luxurious palace lest he encounters any pain
or angst. Since more often than not, he lacks the courage to break
free from this palace, the modern man stores all his negative thoughts
and feelings (hurts, anxieties, jealousy, hatred etc.) in a private space
where the Child Man feeds on them and becomes stronger. In a
sense, the situation is a reverse of that between Duryodhana and
Suyodhana. Here, instead of throwing Suyodhana into the dungeons,
Duryodhana uses him as a front and remains in the background
himself. While Suyodhana interfaces with the external world and
keeps assuring mother Gandhari, “of course, I am happy and
satisfied,” the internal Duryodhana keeps screaming “I like to be dis-
content!” However, in both cases, it is still Duryodhana who calls
the shots.
 Child Man and Our Times 145

b) Alienated from himself

The compulsion to be happy necessarily implies the repression of those

parts of one self which are not feeling happy. But this is not the only
source of alienation for the modern man. The synthetic, sanitized world
creates its own alienations, particularly from the wild and primitive
parts of one self. The most deadly source of alienation comes from the
all-pervasive market place which leaves the individual with a deep-
seated feeling of being only a product—“I don’t matter, who I am is of
no consequence, nor is my belonging to the system. All that matters is
that what can I offer and what is the price tag which is placed on my
offering.” Hence, he is in constant search for improving this “product”
and obtaining the best possible bargain for it.
Earlier, we called the Child Man a “self-less narcissist.” Modern
man maybe described as a “self-less egoist.” On the face of it, he
is in constant pursuance of “self interest,” but rarely does he ask
himself, “who am I, how do I feel, what do I want and where does
my interest really lie?” For him, climbing the socio-economic ladder
and consolidating his position in the market place become ends in
themselves and are pursued without question. He has clear goals but
rarely examines the meaningfulness of his goals. Thus, he is as much
of a puppet as the Child Man. The only difference is that, in case of
the Child Man, the strings of the puppet are controlled by unexamined
rage, passion and need for vengeance, whereas in case of modern
man, the strings are in the hands of unexamined injunctions of the
market place.

c) Threatened masculinity

A recent advertisement for men’s undergarments shows a man being

teased and harassed by a group of women. He then discovers that
the said undergarment can make him “macho” and thereby, he can
reclaim his rightful position as a man. Similarly, a popular automobile
uses the punch line of “men are back” to position itself as a mascu-
line brand. The insecurity being felt by men is also evidenced by the
146 Part II

attacks against the “modern woman” in the name of culture and

morality. The setting up of support groups for men’s rights as well
as a growing trend of anti-feminism in certain quarters points to the
same conclusion, viz., the heightened paranoia around masculinity.
Interestingly, even women are not free of it. This is evidenced in their
growing contempt for the soft, tolerant, shy and demure housewife
and an increasing attraction to an independent, strong, uninhibited,
macho and ambitious persona.
The preoccupation with being macho both in men and women has
the same compensatory quality that we saw earlier in case of the Child
Man. While in the present context, the pursuit of physical prowess
has been replaced by the pursuit of material success and emotional
toughness, the underlying process is very much the same. Perhaps
one of the most frightening aspects of this collective compensatory
masculinity is played out in our relationship with nature which is seen
primarily in “static-feminine” terms and treated merely as a resource
to be exploited and consumed and constantly “acted upon” so that
we mould it in accordance with our needs and whims.

d) Psychological orphan-hood

In my work with individuals, particularly ones with a modern, urban

background, I frequently encounter the phenomenon of psychological
orphan-hood which is experienced by the individual as a non-specific
dissatisfaction with the quality of parenting that he/she has received. In
most cases, there are no tangible causes for this dissatisfaction but it is
still very real for the individual. A frequently experienced sentiment is,
“Oh, they did whatever was required of them and I have no particular
grievance against them, but some how I don’t feel close to them. I
don’t think I know them as people and nor do I think they know me
like that. We have no problems and do care about each other, but
beyond that there is very little that we can offer or receive from each
other.” Thus, parents are experienced as having fulfilled their roles
and responsibilities quite satisfactorily, yet there is no real emotional
connect with them, especially with the father, who is generally seen as
 Child Man and Our Times 147

either over controlling or as distant and indifferent. As Robert Bly has

highlighted in his book “Iron John” in post-industrialized society, the
world of the father has become increasingly invisible to the growing
child. For the most part, the father is away and hence, absent from the
psychological world of the child. In many cases, the child does not even
know the nature of work the father does, where he spends his time or
what kind of person that he is. The mother is either busy pursuing her
own career or has very little idea of the adult male world.
Thus, at the threshold of entry into the adult male world, as in case
of the Child Man, the modern individual has no one to guide or mentor
him. This lacuna may be starker in case of boys but is perhaps also
applicable to the girl-child. If the individual is lucky, he or she may
find a proxy father figure (for example, a teacher), but in most cases,
the road to the discovery of masculinity remains one of hits and misses
with more misses than hits. While in most cases, this does not hamper
social development and individual manages to carve out a functional
socio-economic identity for him self, the wounds of psychological
orphan hood continue to fester within his emotional world.
This orphan-hood manifests itself in several ways. A fairly frequent
phenomenon is that the psychological development of the individual
remains arrested at the adolescent level, i.e., the individual remains
a perpetual adolescent in a psychological or emotional sense. Like
an adolescent, he remains caught in the conflicting pulls of carving
out a distinctive identity for himself on the one hand, and the need
to conform and adapt on the other. Like the Child Man, his need to
be special and distinctive either remains caught in his fantasy world
or gets expressed through reactive rebellion. Similarly, a disdain for
“authority,” particularly of the “static-masculine order,” becomes
his constant companion. Like the Child Man, he covers up his inner
vulnerabilities and uncertainties through external cockiness, non-
chalance and bravado.
The process is accentuated by the fact that most “parental figures”
are themselves caught up with their own unresolved issues and have
rarely crossed the threshold from adolescence to adulthood. Further,
148 Part II

whatever coping mechanisms that they may have evolved become

quickly outdated, given the speed of change. Given this mismatch,
they tend to cling to their coping mechanisms even more stubbornly
and thereby, reinforce the mistrust and disdain for authority in the
younger generation.

Implications
As we put the various pieces of this picture together, it becomes clear
that the inner landscape of the modern man is almost identical to the
Child Man’s psyche. While the present day world has freed him from
many of his earlier compulsions and bondages and therefore, opened
up many more opportunities for him, it has also left him feeling
alone, anxious, powerless and alienated from himself. He finds himself
at the mercy of a complex network of forces over which he has very
little control, desperately trying to keep his head above water and
running like a maniac in order to stay in the same place. He keeps
hoping that one day he will reach a position where he will be the
master of his own destiny, but no matter how successful he is, and no
matter how high he reaches in the socio-economic pecking order, the
forces which engulf him remain stronger, leaving him with the feeling
of being a helpless puppet or an underdog. He grows up with the same
sense of “failed dependency” as the Child Man and carries the same
narcissistic wounds. Neither is his mistrust of the established order
any different from that of the Child Man, nor is his arrested growth
in unresolved issues of adolescence.
However, as mentioned earlier, the external context of the modern
man does not provide him the same space for expression as it did in
case of our protagonists. He neither has the privileges of patriarchy
nor the ability to deal with raw emotion either in himself or in others.
He is required to repress or suppress his rage and resentment, is under
constant pressure to maintain a pleasant countenance and must worry
about the price tag which the market puts on him. Thus, while the
Child Man is being continually awakened and fuelled by the internal
forces within his psyche, the external world is pressurizing him to
suppress and inhibit this Child Man. Caught in this dynamic, the only
 Child Man and Our Times 149

place the Child Man can live is in our psychic and social underbelly.
Some of the typical manifestations of this process are as follows:

a) The puppet and loose cannon syndrome

The unresolved conflicts of adolescence in the modern man make it

extremely difficult for him to co-hold freedom and responsibility.
As mentioned earlier, one of the main conflicts of adolescence is
between the need to have a distinctive identity of one’s own and the
need to adapt and find a niche for oneself within the existing scheme
of things. While the need for distinctiveness propels the individual
towards experimenting and traversing uncharted paths, the need to
have a niche makes him stick to the established paths without much
deviation. The non-resolution of these conflicting forces creates a split
between the realm of freedom and the realm of responsibility. In his
mind, responsibility ends up getting equated with burden, compulsivity
and lack of choice. On the other hand, freedom is seen as licentiousness,
impulsivity and disregard for consequences. Thus, when he is being
responsible, he becomes like a puppet which is constantly being con-
trolled by expectations of others and the demands of the situation,
and when he is free, he acts like a loose cannon, totally unmindful
of the havoc which he causes. Generally, the puppet gets activated in
situations which are materially significant and with people who are
regarded as more powerful than one’s self. On the other hand, the
loose cannon comes alive either in the safety of anonymity (say in a
crowd), or with people who are lower than one’s self in the socio-
economic pecking order. Thus, perfectly reasonable and responsible
individuals go berserk while driving on the roads where they behave
in a manner as though no one else exist and are ready to pounce on
anyone who comes in their way. Similarly, the docile, disciplined and
restrained “organizational man” becomes excessively loud and erratic
when he lets his hair down.
Needless to say, the puppet and the loose cannon cannot survive
without each other. While the puppet is useful for meeting the struc-
tural imperatives, the loose cannon provides the outlet for emotional
residues. Without the loose cannon, the puppet would be suffocated
150 Part II

to death and, without the puppet, the loose cannon would destroy
itself. However, the significant difficulty which arises from this split
is that all organised spaces become lifeless and all community spaces
become “free for all.”

b) Gullible Paranoia

On the one hand, modern man is extremely suspicious and constantly

watching his back, but on the other he is so naïve and gullible that he
falls for almost anything. The ease with which many intelligent and
well-informed people become victims of obvious financial scams is
absolutely amazing. Schemes offering to double your money in a year’s
time are subscribed to without a thought as to how such phenomenal
returns will be generated. The appeal is not always to the individual’s
greed, but sometimes to other feelings, like kindness and devotion and
sometimes, to his inability to comprehend the complex world that he
lives in. The success of many “self-help” books is a telling example of
how the modern man accepts homilies as deeply profound insights.
Clever marketing people exploit this gullibility to the hilt by first
creating paranoia about skin color, bad breath, body odor, germs,
etc., and then offering their products as sure-shot remedies. It is not
unheard of for media to be used by pharmaceutical companies to fuel
fears of impending epidemics to promote their sales.
On the face of it, the paranoia of the modern man seems contra-
dictory to his gullibility, but in fact, the two are intimately connected.
The anxiety and mistrust carried by him is so strong that it leaves a
huge void and a desperate need to believe in something. Thus, all that
one needs to do is to either evoke or confirm his mistrust and then
place an alternative proposition before him and the chances are that
this alternative thesis will be accepted without question. A dramatic
illustration of this process was provided by Agatha Christie in her
famous play, “Witness for the Prosecution.” The wife of the accused
(who is actually not legally wedded to him), gives testimony which
contradicts his alibi. Simultaneously, she arranges to have forged
letters delivered to the defense attorney which would discredit her
 Child Man and Our Times 151

own testimony. The jury, which is prejudiced against her, both on

racial and moral grounds, is quick to swallow this “new evidence”
and acquits the accused who was actually guilty. What Christie shows
us is how gullible the “suspicious mind” becomes if its paranoia is
effectively used.
The technique is so effective that it is being extensively used not
merely by marketers and advertisers, but virtually by all those who
are in the realm of shaping “public opinion,” for example, politicians,
journalists, religious leaders, and others. The biggest advantage of
this technique is that once a fabrication has been accepted by the sus-
picious mind, it becomes a dogma and the individual tends to hold
on to it for dear life and stubbornly rejects all evidence and logic to
the contrary. Thus, management fads can be easily created by the
use of seemingly empirical research/evidence, the quality of which,
in most cases, is suspect. The modern man has such a naïve belief in
the infallibility of quantification that given any junk numbers, and
he will gobble them up as gospel truth. Phil Rosenweig, in his book
“The Halo Effect,” has shown how several delusions have come to
be accepted in the corporate world as absolute truths merely because
they claim to be based on empirical findings.
In one of its most destructive forms, the technique of fuelling
paranoia and then selling an alternative thesis as truth can be seen in
the rise in religious fundamentalism, racialism and other brands of
sectarian ideologies. The fundamentalist leader first fuels the natural
paranoia against modern capitalism and its associated impact on the
social and cultural fiber and then provides alternative theses whereby
this paranoia can be directed against a particular community or group
of people. Thus, religion in the modern world is no longer an opiate
which lulls people into resigned acceptance of their fate, but more of
an aphrodisiac which provides a release from the rage, resentment
and the feelings of impotence with which the modern man lives. Not
surprisingly, “religion in danger” has become a strong motif for the
mobilization of collective outrage the world over. It would seem that
the projections of purity and vulnerability which, in earlier times, were
152 Part II

made on the female gender are now being made on religion. Hence,
by seeing himself as a savior and protector of his religion, modern
man can reclaim his masculinity which otherwise seems to be under
attack from all other sources.

c) Feigned Equality and Insidious dependency

As a facilitator of groups, I often find that when I treat my par-

ticipants as adults (i.e., express my thoughts and feelings directly,
expect them to manage their boundaries and take responsibility for
their choices), they resent it and experience me as a punitive and crit-
ical father figure and experience themselves as errant children who
are being reprimanded. On the other hand, when I treat them as
children (i.e., pamper them, be patronizing or gently direct them) they
are extremely happy and believe that I am equalizing with them and
treating them as adults and with dignity. As we explore this process,
it becomes clear that our respective frames of maturity and dignity are
very different. From their point of view, my real thoughts and feelings
are not of any great consequence. The only thing which matters is that
I should come across to them as friendly, tolerant and affirming.
This expectation of friendship, tolerance and affirmation from an
authority figure has much to do with the psychological orphan-hood
that we touched upon earlier, but there is also another factor. The
difficulty modern man has in terms of dealing with raw emotion
also plays its part. Thus, most people get extremely upset in face of
direct expression of anger, but are relatively more tolerant of sarcasm
though deep down, sarcasm causes much greater hurt and is much
less dignifying than anger is.
A significant implication of these processes is that for most part,
modern man lives in a make- believe world. In authority relationships,
this is manifested through feigned equality. Thus, the use of first names
for authority figures is becoming a common phenomenon, but whether
or not it helps in reducing the power distance between the concerned
individuals is altogether another matter. One only has to see a group
of colleagues in a public place, say a restaurant or an airport lounge.
 Child Man and Our Times 153

Without hearing a single word of their conversation, you can easily

identify who the real boss is and what their relative pecking order
is. In most cases, the pretense of equality only pushes the processes
of subservience and dependency to a subterranean level, where they
become almost impossible to deal with.

d) The “phataphat” syndrome

A popular radio channel has branded itself for a target audience that
it calls the “phataphat” (“instantaneous”) generation. The catch-
line it uses is, “we want everything phataphat,” be it money, fame,
love, or whatever. On the face of it, this seems like an appeal to our
greed or ambition and to an extent, it is. However, I suspect that the
“phataphat” syndrome also plays an important role in reconciling the
conflicting demands of our social/structural world, and the emotive/
psychological world.
At the structural level, the “phataphat” syndrome fuels consumerism
and the approach of “spend today and earn tomorrow” which are
extremely helpful for a capitalistic economy. At the emotive level, it
takes care of our need for instantaneous gratification, the inability to
postpone ourselves, a low tolerance for frustration and a deep seated
anxiety of being left behind. Often, the fear of being left behind is
much stronger than the desire to get ahead. Thus, ambition, which
is one of the most valued attributes of modern man, may not be real
ambition at all, but only a coping mechanism which ensures that
the super structure built by us collectively can be sustained and the
individual can continue to fulfill his assigned role. Similarly, “freedom
of expression,” another holy cow for modern man, is often a vehicle for
unbridled impulsivity and the spewing of withheld rage. The amount
of venom that is spilled on several internet sites around communally
sensitive issues is a telling example of this phenomenon.

e) The Underworld Abode

As mentioned earlier, in our times, it is the underworld in which the

Child Man finally finds his home. Unlike in other spaces, here, he does
154 Part II

not need any subterfuge or compromise. In this space, he can operate

in his wholeness and can display his glory and splendour in its totality.
Everything about him is not just tolerated but actively encouraged and
welcomed. Be it his courage or bravado, his primitive instinctuality,
his fierce affiliative loyalties/parochial orientation, his narcissism and
stubborn adherence to his beliefs, his rage and resentment, his mistrust
of the established order, his low impulse control, his patriarchal
leanings—all are received with open arms in this world. He does not
need to be restricted or inhibited by the rules and norms of civilized
society, nor does he have to face the indignity of meekly accepting
the price tag which the market puts on him. Whether he is a gangster
or a street bully or a terrorist, the role fits him to a t and the world is
tailor made to meet his psychic needs.
This world, which operates on the fringes of our civilized society and
is a constant threat to our stability and security, also serves a purpose.
In a sense, the members of this world act out the suppressed Child Man
in the rest of the society. Just as Duryodhana became the carrier of other
people’s rage and resentment, the present day terrorist/fundamentalist
often bears the burden of the repressed and suppressed negatives of
the entire community. Given the diffused sense of boundaries that the
Child Man has, he is particularly susceptible to this transference. So,
we can all continue to believe in our broadminded inclusivity while
the Child Man acts out our narrow parochial intolerance. Similarly,
we can be the law-abiding conformists while the Child Man acts out
the enraged, angry rebel within us. What this means is, that at the
macro level, the same split between the puppet and the loose cannon
(which was mentioned earlier on the individual level), is getting played
out. As civilized society becomes more like a puppet, the marginalized
Child Man becomes more of a loose cannon. Increasing acts of ter-
rorism keep reminding us that he is very much alive and kicking.
To sum up, what I have tried to highlight in this chapter is the
conflict between the two opposite directions in which modern man
is being pulled. His inner emotive and psychological forces push him
towards the Child Man within himself whereas his external, social and
structural world demands that this Child Man is at least restrained
 Child Man and Our Times 155

and inhibited, if not repressed or suppressed altogether. This split

creates all kinds of dysfunctionalities, both at the individual and at
the societal levels. Unbridled consumerism, the inability to co-hold
freedom with responsibility, the inability to co-hold primitive with
civilized, the rising trends of fundamentalism, ethnic violence and
parochialism are some indicators of these dysfunctionalities. Perhaps,
the so-called “clash of civilizations” is more a by product of a clash
within each civilization. By marginalizing and letting the Child Man
live on its fringes, every civilization is living with these loose cannons.
Rather than integrating these loose cannons into the mainstream, it
is much easier to direct their wrath and destructiveness towards the
“other” who can be targeted as the enemy. Thus, when the Child
Men of particular communities wreck havoc on the other, the civilized
part of the same community can make the right political noises while
gloating internally. Naturally, each community then expects the other
to exercise better control over its Child-Men but pleads helplessness
in being able to do the same for itself.
Perhaps the time has come to start thinking not in terms of how to
control these loose cannons but in terms of how to integrate them into
the mainstream, not just in a socio-economic sense but in a psycho-
emotive sense.
 CHAPTER 20

Befriending the Child Man

The Child Man is a beautiful part of our psyche. He holds our heroic
potential, our uninhibited spontaneity, our playfulness, our creativity,
our innocence, our ability to persevere against all odds, our zest for
life, our willingness to stand up against injustice and much else that
makes life worth living. Sadly, in the present day world, we mostly
encounter his negative, destructive and villainous side. Civilized society
tells us to be wary of him, warns us against the perils of letting him
loose and demands that we keep him shackled and caged. Hence, we
turn our face away from him, pretend that he does not exist or, try to
enslave him in the dungeons of our psyche. However, the Child Man
refuses to go away or give in easily. The more we alienate ourselves
from him, the more ferocious and destructive he becomes. Directly or
indirectly, he continues to call the shots, and as we watch helplessly,
keeps reminding us who the real boss is.
Instead of treating the Child Man as an adversary, we may be better
off trying to befriend him, letting him walk by our side rather than
keep him chained like a mad dog. However, any such attempt would
require significant reconfiguration of many of our beliefs and perspec-
tives. Some of these are as follows:

Meanings of Maturity
Maturity is often seen essentially as a social and behavioural construct.
Hence, elements such as the ability to get along with others, coping
with adversity, remaining calm and composed in face of provocation,
 Befriending the Child Man 157

interpersonal efficacy, ability to influence others and generally being on

top of one’s situation are seen as hallmarks of a mature individual. In
other words, our notions of maturity are primarily focused externally
and are based on the primacy of virtues like relevance, appropriateness,
functionality, moderation, etc. Maturity from this location becomes
like a dam or a regulatory mechanism through which the internal
river of emotion can be contained and channeled. Necessary as this
regulatory mechanism is, when it becomes the exclusive anchor of
maturity, it plays havoc with our internal ecology. It makes us dilute
our own intensity and passion, it anesthetizes us from our own pain
and angst, it makes us fearful of our own wildness and primitive
instinctuality, it prevents us from entering our own inner depths and
it blocks our spontaneous expression.
Thus, it is not at all surprising that the Child Man regards maturity
as his biggest enemy, for he fears that this brand of maturity will
make him into a bland colorless conformist and will replace his
youthful passion, energy and zest for life with resignation and passive
acceptance. Befriending the Child Man will necessarily imply going
beyond the notion of maturity as a regulatory mechanism and will
entail seeing it as an enabler as well—an enabler which gives us the
courage to visit the dark and dingy corners of our being, which pushes
us to respond to the beckoning of the mysteries of life, which allows
us to be overwhelmed, sometimes, by the intensity of our own feel-
ing and sometimes, by the forces around us, which makes us defy con-
ventional rationality and persevere with our own subjective sensing
and which does not always bow down to the dictum of “think before
you act.” In short, this brand of maturity is internally focused and
works towards greater resonance with our “inner voice” and not just
with the external world.
There are two obvious difficulties in pursuing of this kind of ma-
turity. The first stems from the fact that we live in a world which
regards “empirical evidence” and “public opinion” as the only valid
basis of ascertaining truth. The inner voice is, essentially, a subjective
truth for the individual, for which neither empirical evidence can be
158 Part II

provided, nor validation through consensus of public opinion, unless,

of course, it also becomes the subjective truth of others. Thus, the
inner personal maturity of the individual is not always aligned with
external social maturity and the two are often in conflict. The result is
that pursuance of personal maturity can lead to painful consequences
for the individual, such as isolation, ridicule, punitive action, etc.
The second difficulty arises from the fact that within the depth of
our psyche, there is not just the accumulated wisdom of mankind but
also the personal noise of our repressed fears, anxieties, infantile wishes
and other neuroses as well as the collective noise of myths, customs,
beliefs, superstitions and all kinds of prejudices which make us distort
both our inner experiences and external perceptions. The voice that we
hear is mixture of both this wisdom and this noise, and is not always
clear and cogent. Thus, no finality can ever be given to the inner voice
and it can, at best, be a working hypothesis. Consequently, listening
to the inner voice necessarily entails going wrong, falling down and
getting hurt. It is only through our willingness to rise from the ashes
and start all over again that we can hope to enhance our ability to
listen to the inner voice, distinguish between wisdom and noise and
work towards greater resonance.

Inner Ecology
The issue of personal maturity is intimately linked with the issue of
inner ecology. Exclusively pursuing social maturity inevitably leads to
the denial/ repression/ suppression or, at the very least the taming of
those aspects of our selves which may disturb the interface of harmony
and equanimity. Thus, the wild beast within us has to be either hidden
from ourselves and/or others, if not kept on a tight leash. Similarly,
the delicate bird within us cannot be allowed to roam freely lest it gets
hurt or is in danger from predators. The process of civilization has not
merely destroyed the ecological balance in the external environment,
but also played havoc with our inner ecology. De-forestation is not
only taking place out there, but also within our own psyches. Our
inner world is fast losing its lush green character, its vitality and its
 Befriending the Child Man 159

serenity along with it all its natural resources and magical herbs. The
phenomenal increase in information, knowledge and comprehension
is accompanied by an equally rapid decline in our sensing, intuition
and apprehension.
This dwindling of internal resources has made us totally dependent
upon our context and therefore, made us its captive. In a sense, we
are like a caged bird or a domesticated pet or a wild animal in a zoo
which has lost the capacity to survive outside the security of its zone
of captivity. In such a scenario, the pursuit of personal maturity is
almost impossible because we have virtually nothing within ourselves
to fall back upon. Growth and maturation is a painful process. Almost
all rites of initiation were accompanied by an element of pain and the
inflicting of wounds. Having lost the ability to provide a healing touch
either to himself or to the other, modern man is left with no choice
but to avoid pain and hurt at all costs. He is so scared of getting hurt
that he dare not take even the first step on the road to manhood.
It is only through restoration of our inner ecological balance that
we can reclaim the rich resources that lie within us. In this endeavour,
the Child Man can become our greatest ally because with all his
destructive dysfunctionalities, the one thing that he has no problem
with is pain and hurt. Today, he fights us tooth and nail because he
fears that we will destroy all that is precious to him, but if we were to
recognize that what we are destroying is, in fact, of vital importance
to our own survival and growth, perhaps we would be standing by his
side rather than fighting him or running away from him.

Tyranny of the Market Place

The one thing that the Child Man hates with a passion is the compul-
sion to bow down to the price tag which the market puts on him.
His feudal mindset does not easily accept the necessity of giving in
to the dictates of any external force. While the market place culture
has helped us to shed many of the compulsions and prejudices of the
feudal era, it has also made us slaves of “public opinion” and made us
160 Part II

treat ourselves and others as mere products on the market shelf. Since
viable structural alternatives to the present state of affairs are yet to
emerge, to an extent, these processes are inevitable. However, we can
at least recognize the down side of the market place culture and try
to reduce its tyranny.
One of the main contributors to this tyranny is our preoccupation
with success, achievement and winning. Their primacy as the ultimate
goals of human existence is accepted as gospel and no price is con-
sidered too big in their pursuit. Sadly, while we are becoming increas-
ingly aware of the perils of child-marriage and child-labor, we have no
difficulty in turning a blind eye to the psychological damage caused to
children by throwing them into the “dog eat dog” world of “reality
shows.” If the deity of success demands that the innocence of children
be sacrificed to appease her, then so be it.
The emotional and spiritual damage caused by this mindless pursuit
of success takes its own toll, but the market place has an answer to
that as well. It has made emotional healing and spirituality into a
highly profitable industry. If people are over stressed, organized so-
ciety can always provide stress busters, meditation centres, personal
counselors, chanting groups and spiritual gurus. The trick is to split
material well-being from psychic well-being and then, both can be
brought under the control of market forces. Needless to say, this kind
of splitting, at best, provides symptomatic relief and, in fact, adds
to the basic problem of fragmentation and disproportionate growth
which can only be dealt with through recognizing that “proportion”
is much more vital to our survival, well-being and growth than size
and magnitude. Pathologies arise when things go out of proportion
and this can be clearly seen in the misery of individuals who attain
success, fame, adulation, money and so forth, which is more than
what they can handle.

The All Pervasive Patri-centricity

The issues of personal maturity, inner ecology and tyranny of the
market place stem, essentially, from the basic imbalance between
 Befriending the Child Man 161

patri-centric and matri-centric orientations. In the present day world,

it is patri-centricity which rules the roost in almost all spheres of
life. Be it the realm of commerce or governance or education or
academia or religion and spirituality, we encounter only the patri-
centric perspective. The only exceptions to this are the worlds of
affect and artistic expression, where matri-centricity finds some
voice. Our notions of power, control, order, justice and the meaning
of life are all derived from within a patri-centric frame. Thus, goal
directed purposive activity is of greater value to us than spontaneous
expression, exploration and a celebration of life. Our notion of our
identity flows from our individuality and distinctiveness, rather than
from our relatedness and commonality. We feel powerful when we
are able to act upon the world and make an impact and not when we
draw it to ourselves and welcome and affirm it. Similarly, justice to
us means “uniform application of rules” and the principle of “to each
according to his ability,” rather than “care and compassion” for all
and the principle of “to each according to his need.” Improvement is
of greater importance to us than preservation, “becoming something”
more desirable than “being our selves”—the list is endless.
In this all pervasive patri-centricity, only the most destructive and
negative side of the Child Man shows up. In this world, there is room
for his obstinate boorishness but not for his child-like simplicity and
innocence, there is room for his narcissistic rigidities but not for his
fierce loyalty and commitment, there is room for his greed but not
for his zest for life, there is room for his impulsiveness but not for
his spontaneous playfulness. As a crude, uncouth, loud, domineering
tyrant, he may be hated, but he can at least survive. On the other
hand, as an innocent child who is both angry and hurting and has no
concept of boundaries, he has very little hope—unless, of course, we
can work towards a world where matri-centricity also finds its rightful
place. This does not mean rejecting the patri-centric perspective, for
that will be equally disastrous. What we need is co-holding of the two
and a creative tension between the two
The tragedy of the Child Man is that what he has to offer is often
dismissed as of no great value, his wounds remain unattended and,
162 Part II

like little Balarama, when he tries to draw attention to himself by

stamping his feet and throwing tantrums, he either encounters punish-
ment or indifference or indulgence. But, rarely is he understood. Like a
wounded animal, he becomes even more ferocious and keeps escal-
ating the same processes wishing that at some point, someone will
discover the bagful of tears beneath his armor and give him the serenity
of the compassionate lap which he so desperately needs but hardly
ever seeks.
 Ashok Speaks

My family was a bit of a hodge-podge. My parents, along with my

maternal grand parents, came together as refugees from West Pakistan
and settled in Delhi in two adjacent houses on the same street. While
the two families lived in two separate houses, for all practical purposes,
it was one joint family with two sets of parents. My mother was the
eldest among her siblings with three younger sisters and a brother who
was the youngest of all. My maternal uncle was barely a few years
older than my eldest sister and was more of an older brother (and
addressed as such by me and my three older sisters) than an uncle. We
addressed our maternal grand-parents as Mataji (mother) and Pitaji
(father), just as our aunts and uncle did. We addressed our aunts as
Didi (elder sister) and some of them tied a Rakhi (a symbol of love
between brother and sister) to me while my sisters tied a Rakhi to
our maternal uncle. Thus, in a sense, I had two fathers, two mothers,
several sisters (some of whom were actually my aunts) and an older
brother who was actually my maternal uncle.
My two fathers were a study in contrast. My own father was sen-
sitive, soft-spoken and caring, while being an extremely strong, wise
and charismatic person. He commanded a great deal of respect in the
family though he barely raised his voice. It was generally understood
that in all matters of importance, his would be the last word. In
contrast, my Nana (maternal grand-father) was loud, crude, short-
tempered and never taken very seriously by any one in the family
including his own wife, my Nani. In fact, Nani used to often say, “for
me every thing is my son in law (i.e. my father). He is my friend, my
son, my brother, my father and even my husband.” How my poor
Nana felt about such open proclamations is anybody’s guess because
outwardly, he would just smile and let it pass. Perhaps, like Balarama,
he had taken Krishna’s superiority for granted.
164 Child Man

In many ways, the relationship between my Nana and my father

had a close parallel to that between Balarama and Krishna. While
my Nana had the higher position in the family hierarchy, it was my
father who wielded all the authority and enjoyed everyone’s respect
and confidence. Simultaneously, like Krishna, my father would ensure
that this did not become obvious and cause any loss of face for my
Nana. They were also partners in a joint business and there too, it
was my father who had the upper hand. When their business was
nationalized, my Nana retired and my father became a government
employee. However, his postings (for example, as a branch manager)
always ensured that he remained the “big fish” in a small pond. In
fact, once when one of his seniors visited our small town, it was quite
a shock for me to discover that my father could be subservient to
some one.
Naturally, as a child, I was in awe of him, but that was not all.
There was also the resentment that his non-oppressive giant-hood
seemed to make everyone else into a pygmy. There was also a craving
for a closer and more intimate link with him. While he was soft and
tender and caring, he was also distant and aloof. One could admire
and respect him but not touch him and thus, the “real person” beneath
the immaculately dressed (always in whites) gentle and amiable
persona always remained invisible. Cognitively, I knew that he was
extremely emotional and intense, and that in his younger days he had
been actively involved in the “freedom struggle,” had written poetry
and presumably, had had several relationships. But I had no direct
experience of this side of his personality.
On the other hand, my Nana was a lot more visible to me. He
accompanied me on all significant occasions, played cards with me
(and even cheated), took me for walks and generally expressed his
feelings a lot more openly. In fact, in most of my childhood photo-
graphs, I find myself sitting on my Nana’s lap rather than on my own
father’s. The general belief in the family was that I had taken more
after my Nana than after my father. This was a source of considerable
distress for me because naturally, I wanted be seen more like my father
who was admired by all, rather than my Nana who was essentially an
 Ashok Speaks 165

object of contempt and ridicule. Thus, even after I grew up, I would
desperately try and emulate my father and keep wondering whether I
was actually being myself or merely pretending to be like him.
Consequently, the major split or disassociation that I have lived with
is between my “idealized self” and my “experienced self.” My idealized
self has been shaped totally in the image of my father-gracious,
gentle, warm, sensitive, caring, romantic, self-assured and idealistic.
Several aspects of my experienced self, such as my pettiness, my envy
and jealousy, my bitterness, my rage, my impulsivity and so on, have
found no space in the idealized image and therefore, have either been
repressed/suppressed or suffered in my “private hell.” Whenever these
denied parts of my self raise their heads, I find myself either project-
ing them outwards or feeling overwhelmed by them. Even when they
are lying dormant, they keep pricking at me and keep reminding me
of their presence. Thus, even in areas where I have a genuine identific-
ation with my idealized self, there remains a measure of doubt about
whether this is truly me or a mere pretence.
Over the years, my idealized self has become a lot more inclusive
and therefore, accepting of the not-so-comfortable parts of my self.
Consequently, the severity and intensity of this doubt has reduced
considerably, but a complete integration of the experienced self and
the idealized self is still a distant dream.
The other significant split that I have lived with is that between the
realm of intimacy and the realm of respect. Since I could not respect
the source from which I received intimacy (my Nana), and had very
little intimacy with the person I respected the most (my father), it has
always been difficult for me to bring the two together. Cognitively, I
know that real intimacy and respect can not exist with out each other.
Respect without intimacy can only be towards a symbol (and not the
real person) and intimacy without respect is only a form of indulgence.
However, experientially, I often find my self splitting the two and can
bring them together in very few relationships.
On the surface, my stances seem to be the exact opposite of
the Child Man’s. The Child Man’s difficulty lies in his inability to
166 Child Man

differentiate between the idealized self and the experienced self, and
also to differentiate between intimacy and respect. It is virtually im-
possible for him to respect anyone he is not close to and he often ends
up treating his experienced self as the same as the ideal state. On the
other hand, in my own case, these realms are differentiated but remain
disassociated. However, as is the case in most psychological opposites,
they only represent two sides of the same phenomenon. My model of
masculinity may be very different from the loud and macho variety of
the Child Man, but my compulsivity has been no less. Thus, by try-
ing to explore another manifestation of compulsiveness, I am only
trying to find some release from my own.
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 Index
affiliative 102, 142, 143, 154
Agency xvii, 120
Age of Reason xvii, 97, 104, 105,
132
alpha-male 98, 141
angst 108, 144, 157
anima xiv, 115–16, 118–19
Animus 112
Apollo 94, 128, 134
bio-existential 110–11, 116, 119
co-dependent 122
cognitive xiii
Communion xvii, 120
compulsiveness 118, 166
Constructivists 119
dependency 123, 135, 148, 152–53
Dionysian 94
disassociation 132, 165
dyadic 123
dynamic feminine 95, 113, 140
dynamic masculine 113
ecological 113, 158–59
egoistical 98, 99, 142
Emotional intelligence 127
Emotional Quotient 127
emotive xiii, 102–3, 128, 130–31,
138, 140, 143–44, 153–55
empathy 74, 122, 128, 136
EQ-Wallahs xvii
erectile dysfunction 119
Eros 136–37, 140–41
Essentialists 119
experienced self 165–66
female impotence 119
feminism 141, 146
femme fatale 116
feudal xi, 159
Freudians xiv
fundamentalism 151, 155
Gender Identity xvii, 95, 110
hallucinations 132
idealized self 165–66
id impulses 103
infantile 135, 158
instinctual 130–31
interpersonal efficacy 157
Jungians xiv, 112
logos 136
macho 136–37, 141–42, 145–46, 166
macro-context 138
male mothering 133
masculine xiv, xv, 95, 105, 110–16,
118, 123–26, 128, 135, 136,
140, 147
matri-centricity 140–41, 161
170 Child Man

narcissists xiv rational 94, 105–6, 128, 130–32,

neurotic 117 140, 142
nihilism 117 reactivity 95, 118
Nirvartik 94 repressed xvii, 102, 115, 119, 154–55,
158, 165
oral-sadistic 96
sado-masochistic xii
paranoia 107, 126, 146, 150, 151 schizophrenic 132
parochial xii, 154 Self-centricity vii, xvii, 98, 115
pathos xv, 74, 95 sibling rivalry 98
patri-centricity 127, 140–42, 161 socialization 129
patriarchal xiv, 117–18, 124–25, socio-cultural 110–11, 119
140–41, 154 static feminine 95, 112–13
phallic 95 static masculine 95, 113, 124
post-modernism 108 subliminal xii
Pravartik 94 subterranean 107, 153
pre-rational 132 suppressed xvii, 102, 154–55, 165
primal 55, 87, 95, 131 symbiotic 15, 99, 121
primitive 57, 86–87, 95, 128, 130–35,
techno-economic ix, xi, xii, xvi, 138
137, 139, 140, 145, 154–55, 157
testosterone xiv
proclivities xviii, 138
trans-rational 130–32
pseudo-adult 97
psyche xv, xvi, xvii, 93, 95, 97, 98, unconscious xii, 14, 17, 88, 98, 115,
110–11, 114, 116, 118, 123, 130, 134, 140
129, 134–35, 138, 144, 148, Upanishads 94
156, 158
psycho-social ix, xii, xiii Vedas 94
psychological orphan-hood 146, 152
psychotherapy xv wild man 133–35