CHILD8 [spoken]

I know! I know! Ii's that beach at DawlishWarren, isn't it sir?

CHILD9 [spoken]
Stupid! Everyone knowsit's in London!

(lIhererer the InSllllrs hive got to, by the time the lIusi,-- relches hi~
PrinLoeOonald just butts in, playing to the 1':1155.)

PRINCE DONALD [spoken]

I've been there a nuMberof tiles, snorkelling over forests of coral
I found Australians rather uncouth
I tried to delonstrate howa sophisticate should behavein this day a'
But it's no good!
I don't knowhow an Australian would survive in high society
Basically I had to realise they are not civilised humans!

~ FINNE6ANFLUODE[spoken]
Thankyou. Donaid, for that insight, 1'1 sure we're grateful indeed!
"aybe you wouldbe so kind as to allow ae to proceed!

PRINCEDONALD[spoken]
Be IY guest.

FINNE6ANFLUDDE[spoken]
Let's postpone Geography,let's do sole English Lit, instead
Nowcan anybodynaMeone famouspoet who's not dead?

CHILD10 [spoken]
Willi.. Shakespeare.
Sir!

CHILD11 [spoken]
WHUII lIordsllorth, Sir!

CHILD 12 [spoken]
Willia. 8roll'" Sir! He wrote. pOel once, I siW it on telly!

~ CHILD 13 [spoken]
OonnieBrown, Sir! He writes poels!

DONNIEBROWN
[spoken]
I do not!

CHILD 13 [spoken]
Do too!

CHILD14 [spoken]
Jessie John,on writes love poems,Sir!

JESSIE JOHNSON
[spoken]
Whata liar!

CHILD 14 [spoken]
,.,all over the toilet walls, Sir!
38
 JESSIE JOHNSON[spoken]
I'll get you for that!

(Again, Prince ODnaJdbutts in)

PRINCE DOMALO [sung]

Who'sthat bloke, that Irish guy? He just won sole
HI cale round for tea with the Queen
H. wat 10 ignorant! WhenIllid did he want
To hear IY albUls of" Wet, wet, wet"
-
He just looked dulb Did not know a single one of '
You lust all agree with le he is no poet and I bet I
(lpoKen)
The things people get away with!

UPrincl /kfMld prDc,«fs to set up SOH "isdeMeal

- FJlJdde, The children uteh in flSeil7dtion Ind sil7i
,-,0 tille, IS Oonnie - Ibsorbed in Ms Dtln tll
,isgivings)

DOMNIEBROWN[sung]
This is not what 1 drealed of,
This boring, brattish big head does not fit
Myexpectations, the nation's hero prince is just a
00 1 want to take hit place?
Do1 want to wear that face?

Theysaid after 1 at cured

There'll have to be sole plastic surgery
Before wedo the swap I'll have to look
"ore like hit than like le!
1 just did not think it through
I'll not be le, I'll be you!
I don't think 1 can do what they want le to do
Wherewill DonnieBrownhave gone once they have si
I'll walk again but I'll have sold IY personality,
[Prince OoI7dJdhis driven Ifr FJudde into I frenzy
'-""'0111"~nner, ,aybe chlSing the Prince IrDUM the r
Look at nr Fludde
He thinks this is bad - Just think aft

,...there has neverbe

U
Who'd have
Prince Donald, fill star, fu1
And ae

{roUolling Unel over 'runty Ju/Jlby riff'}

FINNE6AN FLUDDE [spoken]
Class! Control yourselves! Sit down! Sit down!
 {Frightened by his g8nuine Inger, they aJJ do is lie bids, but Prin", Oonlld
,i,ics hi, cruelly}

PRINCEOONALD [spoken]
Clals! Control yourselves! Stand up! Stand up!

FINNE6ANFLUODE[spoken]
This is outrageous! 6et back to your seats!

{SOH of till children obey tlllir lurious tllcher, Dut sole continlJl to
ignore hi". Princl Oonald tlores Ifound ttle roo" and shouts out
instructions to groups of children ~hil:h they delightedly obey, ill
pretence 01 dil"ipJine gone. All is "hlos and noise. J
PRINCEDONALD
[spoken]
This is outrageous! Do the can-can! Do the Twist! Perf on SwanLake!
Rockand roll!

'-' FINNE6ANFLUDOE[spoken, in despair and out of co~trol]

Shut up, you horrible little squirt!!

PRINCEOONALD [spoken in the lanner of a director]

Cole along, there!Kick higher! Thrust those hips! Let's see sole sweat!.

FINNE6ANFLUDOE[spoken, his head in his hands, defeated]

1 give up!

PRINCE
DONALD [spoken]

Higher! Falter! Louder!

(PrincI fkJnlld slIddenly bee""es ulre 01 Oonnie, the only "hild not
rrt1lking IIlroe. He points ,nt! bIlks ollt In order. 1

[Ipoken]
PRINCEOONALD
Heykid! I said -DANCE-!

{lIithin 2 or J """nds the rholl ,:llss fills silent, ratclling Prince Oonlld
alld Oonnie. }
~
PRINCEOONALD
[spoken]
On your feet, kiddo!
{plaIt!
NOIrII
-
then speaking "itll real aggression tint! nlStiness}

{fkJnnie pushes lIi"self Dick Iroll the des~' so thl t PriMe fkJnald sees the
"hHJchlir for the first tillll

PRINCEDONALD
[spoken]
Yuk! A cripple!? In IY class?!
£Thereis , stunnedsilene'eIS the lights fidel
 SCENE TWO

ahis scene t.kes pl.c, in no specific location -

soloists or groups ire
picked out by lighting IIh8n tlley sing, then merge Dack into the glo"",
There is in iir of darkness, tl/(J(J{lhtfulness and sadness through
disi JJusionunt, There could be IIse of choreographed moveMent to
iJ/ustrlte till developing relationships bet~en char.cterl, Specificaiiy,
action to sI/or!th.ft Prin~.eOonald'sinitial popularity hGSdisilppeared and
he is a lonely, frightened boy ttI/o doesn't knot'hot! to get on flith others,}

, CHORUS Clung]
Whoaa I? Whatpart should I learn to play?
Shall I knoway ownself one day?
1 try to follow the signs
Try to louth appropriate lines.., (repeat several tillles as the foJlotJing
lines are sungand spoken)

PRINCE OONALD Csung]

\ c; don't understand hownorllll people think, 1 don't undentand hownornl
people live
1 a. like an alien visiting from another planet -
I have no guide
1 want to be part of this strange beast - a family'
I want to be liked Just for being me...

THE JOHNSON6IRLS (JULIE, JEANNIE,JESSIE)[sung]

It seeMed like a dreaM come true -
a real live prince to stay in our hole
A superstar, a hero of the nation, oh, we had drealls of Royal rOMance
Of being lade a Queen one day, but barely half a 8Irwas quite enough
To show our hero's feet were IIIde of clay.,. l.r~

HARBELLA[spoken]
Juno, 1 have to talk to you about soMething.

JUNe (spoken]
It's Dad you should be talking to
hilt,
- see if you can get sole sense out of

HAR8ELLA[spoken]
~'s the last person I can talk to about this.

JUNe [spoken]
Not anotl/er confession.
..
HARBELLA(spoken]
00 you relelber when you were about five. Dadand 1 split up for a while?

JUNO [spokenJ
Sort of, it just seeled 1ike a long holiday",

HARBELLA(spoken]
00 you relelber Ruch about it?

JUNO[spoken]
I re.e.ber spending loads of tile on the beach...
 "ARBELLA
[spoken]
Nothing else?

JUNe[spoken]
1 relelber you getting rather porky.

"ARBELLA
(spoken]
That's putting it lildly, Juno",

JUNO[spoken]
Youdon't lean""

MARBELLA[spokenJ
I hac a baby, Juno, Your Dad doesn't know.
adopted, gave Iyself a couple of weeksto reco
hole,

JUNO[spokenJ
,m, "UI".
"ARBELLA[spokenJ
I've felt guilty about it ever since

JUNO[spokenJ
Well, that's your speciality isn't it?

"ARBELLA
[spoken]
Whatdo you lean?

JUNO[spokenJ
Youalways do Just what you feel like, you don"
you lie your wayout of trouble, then you go ar
And that's IUPPOIlC to lake it okay, You f:
anyone else, you know, No wonder Dad's a en
twenty years,

"ARBELLA [spokenJ
~hat's Just your opinion, Juno, but I haven't
"--'1\OWabout it. There's solething lore iaportal
watching Prince Oonald."

JUNO[spoken]
",you lean the fake Prince.,.

"ARBELLA
[spokenJ
",yes, of course,I , well I've beenwatchinghi!
the Johnson's next door,

JUNO[spokenJ
600d for you, "UM, He's a colplete git, you ~
beUer King.
MARBELLA[spokenJ
The point is, Juno, he looks just like you,
 JUNO[spoken]
Enoughof the insults, lother!

MARBELLA [spoken]
No, 1 lean it! Listen, he's supposed to be the sale age as Donnie, but
actually he looks a bit older, he lust have colle frol an orphanage or
solething and he looks just like you,.,

JUNO[spoken]
Oh no, are you thinking what 1 think you're thinking?

"ARBELLA[spoken]
He's IY son, Juno, 1 know he isl

JUNO[spoken]
You're as crackers as Dad! What a pair!

"ARBELLA[spoken]
ba11 just don't knowwhat to do about it."

JU\IIO[spoken]
Let ae out of here!

lJuno 1#lv#s~ Iflru//I r#lI,in. d/!ep in thought, J

OO\ll\llIE[sung]
I would like to walk again
I would like to reclai..y lelories of early childhood
Being rich and falous would be good, 1 suppose
But only if I could be le
Only if 1 could be le...

6ERAINT[sung]
Wonder what 1 did, layb. in a previous life
To deserve a fate like this,
Knowing 1 will die toMorrow, knowing just the tile
".,~ knowing I'l disbelieved by those 1 love
~wing I will never knowif Juno is IY daughter
Knowing I will never see IY Ion walk..,

{Juno Ipped" ,nd puts her Irll "(JUnd 6erlint IS she hinds hilll i birtMiY
",d, The tt/o of the. 1Nl Ilone in the dirk, J

JUNOBROWN [spoken]
It's Midnight, Dad. Happy birthday",

43
 SCENE THREE

(fin/legin fludde is discovered prepiring his clusro(Jllf on lJIednesdlY

lfternoon. In colAplete contrist to the previous clusroollf scenel he is in
buoYlnt /100ft tlMstling ind doing little dances IS goes about his tasks.
His coJJ"guel Hiss Shirpe enters Ind witches hi" for I IIOfiIentlIMused.
SUddenlyhe notices her Ind, I Jittle elloirrl5sedJ spelts. J
FINNEGANFLUODE[spoken]
Afternoon l1iss Sharpe, Good lunch?

111SSSHARPE [spoken]
Voulre looking very jolly, I1r Fludde.

FINNEGANFLUODE[spoken]
AI 11

~ I1ISS SHARPE[spoken]
You've been skulking around the school like a thunderstorM the hst two
days, colplaining about your newpupil,

FINNE6AN
FLUODE [spoken]
Soon to be ex-pupil, l1iss Sharpe -
it's his last day, Couldn't take a full
weekof real life!

111SSSHARPE[spoken]
A cause for celebration by all accounts,

FINNE6AN FLVDDE[spoken]
You know Ite, Pliss Sharpe, try to see something good in every pupil, but
that Prince Donald is a stuck-up, self-centred, arrogant, bullying, bigoted
brat and lid gladly batter the little blighter but for one thing",

111SSSHARPE[spoken]
Whatls that!

FINNE6AN
FLVDDE[spoken]
Can you keep a secret?

I1I5SSHARPE
[spoken]
Absolutely!

FINNE6AN FLVDDE[spoken]
You know today is the 6rand Royal OpenDay?

111SS
SHARPE [spoken]
Of course! The King and Queen are coming to, witness their little
treasure'j triumphs in the land of the co..oner,

FINNE6AN
FLVDDE
[spoken]
Well, I had a visit last night.

111SSSHARPE[spoken]
Fro. who?

4-4.
 FINNE6AN
FLUODE
[spoken]
.Who.", Miss Sharp., "fro. who,"

MISS SHARPE[spoken]
Sorry, 1'1 sure.

FLUDDE
FINNE6AN [spoken]
FroM Incorporated DreaMs.

MISS SHARPE[spoken]
What's that when it's at hale?

FINNE6AN FLUDDE [spoken]

That, so 1 learnt last night, is the world's leading
testing equipllnt and their representative was none 0
Doctor Alison Hubble.

MISS SHARPE[spoken]
W~

FINNE6ANFLUODE[spoken]
-
"Who" not "whom",Miss Sharpe,

MISS SHARPE [spoken]

Yes, all right, just get on with it.

FINNE6ANFLUODE [spoken]
Well, she's the genius that grew our darling lUte I
then launched hi. into the world with no warning, Re

MISS SHARPE
[spoken]
1 do, as it happens, though I vas rather young at the

FINNE6ANFLUDDE[spoken]
Mm.I... 1 suppose
so.,.

MISS SHARPE[spoken]
A~hat did Doctor Hubble want?

FINNE6ANFLUDDE [spoken]
She wanted to offer le a large SUI of money.

MISS SHARPE [spoken]

Nice...

FINNE6AN FLUDOE[spoken]
.,. if1 would allow Incorporated DreaD' to sponsor tl
and use the occasion to launch their new produe
"Thicker Than Water", though don't ask mewhy.

MISS SHARPE[spoken]
Isn't co.lereial sponsorship of education rather agai:

FINNE6AN FLUDDE [spoken]

Not when 1111earn enough in one lesson to payoff thl
45