Jwl~ C{"Uc,o,,'f

_.. - ..---

Prince Donald I

~ \
.and the
""- .- .

Average Family
a musical for

Gatehouse Youthspring
Springtide
and
Teignspring
f!!"
by
........

David Haines

Script

. --
 PRINCEDONALDANDTHE AVERAGE
FAMILY

Whenthe ro'fal family revive their fortunes by producing a son and heir
they seem to be riding high on a never-ending wave of popularity,
Unfortunately, Prince Donald escapes his nanny and discovers freedom
momentarily only to fall from a tree, breaking his back and becoming
paralysed from the waist down, Panic-stricken, the Royals decide in secret
to replace Donald with an orphan rather than risk losing their place in the
public's heart for not protecting Donald from harm,

Someyears later Donald is living with his foster family which is beset by
emotional problems, l1arbella's infidelities and subsequent wallowing in
guilt coupled with Geraint's obsession with fate provide a troubled
'-" baddrop as Donald searches for his own identity, Helped by his foster
sister Juno, Donald explores his feelings and relationships with those
around him as well as struggling with hidden memoriesof a former life,

Meanwhilethe fake prince - handsome, blond, blue-eyed and a favourite with

the media - makes a great success of his flJle, But when a medical
breakthrough of fers the possibil i ty of a cure for the real pr ince the
royals decide that "blood is thicker than water" and make plans to
reinstate him,

They devise a sl:heme whil:h will the put the fake prince into an average
family for a week ostensibly to avoid his losing touch with his people, A
competition is run to find "TheMostAverageFamilyIn TheRealm"which is
fixed so that the Johnsons 01arbella and Geraint's next door neighbours)
win, At the same time the Palace Mafia pay a visit to the Brownsto reveal
to them who their foster son really is and to offer him his old life back,
He is to observe the fake prince at close quarters as the first stage in
the "personality restructuring" that - along with extensive curative and
plastic surgery - will lead to his successful return to public life,
--
MeanwhileJuno and Geraint are forced to face the possibility that he is
not her natural father vhen l1arbella blurts out a confession of her
philanderings, Juno and Geraint resolve their feelings and decide that
blood ties are unimportant when compared with the years of family life
they've shared, a decision which helps Oonald decide upon his own course of
adion,

In a riotous final scene set in the the midst of a school science lesson
(and during which t1arbella gets arrested for punching the Queen on the
nose), the two Donalds meet and the fake prince learns the truth, The
knowledge of the truth which they now share will give them the power to
shape their own destinies rather than being at the mercy of outside
pressures,
l
 PRINCE OONALDAND THE AVERAGEFAMILY

ORDEROF SCENES

ACTONE

SCENE ONE 1,5 minutes

page 1
Once \Jpon a Time (Background to the story)
One Cloulj (The Queen's infertility)
~e've been waiting f~r too long now [The population's impatience)
They are the perfect family/What a glorious day (People's joy at Prince 0'5 birth)
Sleep, baby, close those eyes [People's high expectations of Prince 0)
Q-Don!ld, D-D-Donale.., (Prince Qonald's fall from the tree)

"-" SCENE TWO :3 Itinutes

page .5
How could a cripple Inherit the throne? [Queen's anger - her idea to do a swap)

SCENE THREE 6 !tinutes

page6
Dialogue [Introduces the Average Family competition idea)
When I lie awa~eat night (Donnie's half-Itemories of a previous life)

SCENE FOUR 81inutes

page 9
Hey! Have you heard the ne~s? [Filling in of the competition forM - Marbella's lies -
questionable attitudes towards Dennie's disability)
SCENEFIVE
! '~
page ,~
3 linutes ~--(-
W~
~. - ~.~,
e'd
Dialogue [Getaint's obession with numbersand his fate - Marbella's confession) t. \

SCENESIX 14 . i nutes
page 16
What a glorious day it is [Flashbac~ to the wedding reception -
-- Marbella's panic and infidelity -
The death of 6eraint's parents)

SCENE SEVEN 5 minutes

page22
- -
Dialogue "June you awake?" (Twoweeks since previous scene)
I knew you before you knew Me [Geraint's love for Juno and agony over
the possibility that she's not his daughter)
SCENE EIGHT 6 minutes
pa'Je 24
Who....will win the chance to be" [General excitement over competition result)
It couldn't be our town -
(Suspense built up Is it us?)
Total 60 Minutes
ENDOF ACTONE
 PRINCE OONALOAND THE AVERAGEFAMILY

A MUSICALBY
DAVIDHAINES

ACT ONE

{Prl-set: the 8rown f~lI/ily's living rooll a sofa and rug, SOil/I! -minutes before 'curtain up',
the 8rollln family gather on stage quite (dSually and play i gill/I of (drdg, The Si."MI!shollld bl
niturilistic and un!;tigey,. with illlprovised dialoglle it; ippropriite, lit a given Moment
(indicited by hollse lights going doll/n?), Qonnie "itMrillls from ttJli!gdflle and addressli!s the
iuditwi."e is the 8rollln fimily leive the Stifl/!, J PROPS, Soh, n.g. cI..ck or cHcI.
COSTV"ES, Casual Indoor

SCENEONE

DONNIE
[spoken)
As you can see, nowadaysI can walk, I'm a marvel of modernmedicine in Morewaysthan one.
hadto lIse bla,:kmailto get the surgery though, The st,)ry beginsbefore ray birth. listen".
........

(Oonnie sits "ith the iudienl.-e as the Chorus enters representing the population of the kingdom)
COSTv"r;s: 0..1c100r ..1,,1.r <lo1.I>I"g - o'...00a1s, .cS"".", "a'ts .1<
PROPS: '6if1.' <onco..1..d undor <oa1,,- lap-top, pyj a.., ..oblh> I'hOno, b..n..nas, 1..ddy. fak.. br..in. r..k. "and

(sung)
CHORUS
Onceupon a time on a long forgotten day, once upon a time in a land far far away
Onceupon a time in a land whosenameyou'd recognise..,
There lived the perfe~t ~ouple, King and Queen of that sweet land

[The King and queen enter, Th/!-ydN! 'unseen' by the chorus dt this Stilg/:?dnd «re intent IIpon
examining of pregninq test tlllich th/:? qlleen is shaking in a.'1 attempt to get it to chang/!-
colour,) PROPS, Pragn"ncy ~...~
COSTU"ES, O.a..lng gown.. .1ipp.,.. crowns
Envyof every woman,fantasy of every Man
They live~ in perfect splendour, every average person's dream
Theywere the perfe,:t couple. perfect 1Y content it seemed,,.

(The population begin to gossip tlith eal."h ot~r and frol» the crowd tll! hear the folll.'wing
cOlllllltmtsJ
"'o",.,J
SOLO1 [spoken)
TheRoyals are such a bore - a bucket of slugs would be more interesting!
SOLO 2 (spoken]
I heard they're reillly bossy.
SOLO3 (spoken)
The Queenalways looKs so pill~
SOLO.4 (spoken)
I've heard she eats too muchchocolate trying to cheer her;elf up.
SOLOS [spoken]
The King's so fat he loo~s pregnant,
SOLO6 [spoken]
Speaking of which, they are leaving it aI/fully late to start a 1I..i ly I
SOLO7 (spoken]
They're not exactly rabbits are they?
SOLO8 [spoken]
If they had a baby it Might steal the show. They wouldn't like that!

(As the musk changes for the queen's 5010, the Chorus lolller their helds and freeze. J

QUEEN[sung]
Onecloud.,. darkening the blue horizon., ,one cloud". heralding the storms to COle,.,
One cloud.,. too dark for all our wealth and all our power to drive avay."

(The L"horlJ5slotl1y rilise their fat-SS towards ths Quesn and sing it - ra ther than tJ) - her) [j]
 CHORUS [sung]
Where is the child weexpected to see? One cloud",
Where's your proof of your loyalty? Darkening the blue horizon
Weall sincerely believe Onecloud heralding the storms to come
It's your duty soon to conceive One cloud
One cloud,., Too dark for all our wealth and all our
One cloud upon the blue horizon Power to drive away...
One cloud upon the blue horizon...,

(Chorus Jollierheads and fre!!ze again)

KING & QUEEN[~ung]

Wherewill we be without new life, what will be our family's fate?
What will webecome withouta prince to take his rightful place?
Could we be the very last link in this ancient royal family?
Could this line die out with us, the end of our great history?

-, £The!(ing and I}ueen ledve, Ilvidently troubled, Thll Cro/lldr!!turn to their gL'ssipping, but *ith
"
a great air of impatience Md aggression "hkh erupts into songl

CHORI)$[sung]
We've been waiting for too long now for that much wished-for event
Whyshould we still be kept waiting? They should knowit makes us tense I
fChoreogrdphyJ
We have rights and we have duties, wepay our ta)(es and bills
We support your royal life-style, you have duties to fulfil

£The King ind que!!", noli' dressed for public appeiral7<:eind 'fith noses held high, r!!appedr .md
responddirectly to to the trot/d's J;Oll/pliintsl CO3TUI'IE9,
RoyalROot-n.
(...11..g..lI.

KING A QUEEN[sung)
Weare the perfect couple, wedon't need your kind advice
We're happyjust as weare, life is good and life is nice

[!veryol7tIPcurrently on stage freezes and Oonnie redpp!!drS,)

DONNIE [spoken)
Apparently the Queenwasn't that keen on having babies, anyway, Too concernedabout her sli~
figure, But then along comesDoctor Alison Hubble.,,
:0.-0
{Oonnie returns to the audience to continue flliL"hing events is everyone 'I."olles to life' /lgain.
Vitched flith greit interest by the crowd, Dodor HuMle steps fOrtlird, removes her overL"olt to
reveal i "hite Doctor's coat, and bO"5 deeply before the roYd15, J
COSTUMES: Whit. l.b CO.~5 (o~ D~ H...t-t-I. and ha. Assistant

DOCTOR HIJ9BLE(spoken]
Your Majesties! I have a wonderful surprise for you! Those fertility tests I conducted have
comeup trumps!

QIJEEN[spot en]
Oh, you are an irritating little person - do get to the point!

DOCTOR HIJBSlE[spoken]
Well, your lajesties., ,one of those little embryos put up such a fight, I knew he was a winner,
51) I took the liberty -
[ hope you'll approve -
of trying out my new top secret - -
technique", IP/u.Jses for drdllldtk effl!l."tJ

KING [spoken)
Well,. ,spit it out woman!

DOCTOR
HOBBLE[spoken)
Everybody knows I'm the world expert on in vitro fertilization. but I have kept IV lost recent

research under wraps until this moment,., J~

 KING [ipo~enJ
Well?!

DOCTOR HUBBLE[spoken]
In vitro gestation!!!
QUEEN[spoken)
What? What?

DOCTOR HUBBLE[spokenJ
With your egg Ma'am and your seed Sir and with .~t tube, wehave produceda son and heir!

.. ~- KING, QIJEfJf& CHORIJSJJ-IpokenJ

(
~t?!?!.A,9
-..,.-«,,' DOCTOR
HUBBLE[spoken)
Bring on the Prince!!

"'-'"
(lIfTISsistint brings on d full-grolfn biby inside i gidnt test tube. The test tt/be blby is held
dioft in triuMph by OI,."ICtor
HuDble.Md the !,."foAl(!
cheliH the 4stonished L-Ot/ple,)
PROPS; 8aby in giant teat tuba connected to tube., .yata~iou. aonitora d~ip feed. .te on trolley; disposable
n"ppy, baby ."awl, baby'. fa.,ding boH.laJ

CHORUS (sung]
They are the perfect family. quite complete in every way
Weare your loyal subjects, glad to serve, glad to obey
He is the perfect baby, blue-eyed, blond and clever too
He'll be the perfect monarch, noble, handsome, brave and true -J -.i1-
~ ... 1 ~.. ,-, I-dJ ../ ~\...f'(1.
Whata glorious day it is!
What a glorious day it is!
Wehave the future king we have ~of
~L I ~ (c/..Q.p- 0"- ~ ~~
.S"'J:f~.
""\ ~ 'C1A ) .-I
He will lead his people towards a time of wealth and happiness
..t. What a glorious
day it is! Wewill rememberfor all of our lives that + ~t ~~ ~
Wewere here to witness the birth of a newage!
~ What a gl"rious day it is! IIhat a glorious day it is! ~ ~ I ~~
~ What a glorious day it is! Whata glorious day it is! Whata gl~ious da'9'!+ t ~
~.
~+-A..o4"'I/I..

'l... c.J ~ ~ ".. s:' ~ ~ 1-,6-t)«.. ~ '--P

(The baby is gently released froll the tuoe ind father a~h.;rdJy rocked by King indlor queen flho
ire eridt:!.ntlynot used td such }ctiYities).
.........
~ ~, Q {"1iA,. ~ dJt...:r'.. I ~ ("1:J
.

V<"
J ~

~,~ KING A QUEEN,DOCHIJSBLE[sung)

FULL CHORUS,
f1t1~_)Sleep, baby, close those eyes, sleep, baby, close those eyes
Sleep. baby, close those eyes, dream, dreamdream.."

(rep/!utedldny tillles under f()JJ()~ing lines)

CHILDREN'SCHORUS [sung)
Sleep, little baby, cry no tears. your life will accelerate with passing years
Don't rush down that steep incline, 1iye your life in slo:;wtiMe
Sleep baby, sMile on your face. the world's fundamentally a friendly place
Sleep little baby, close those eyes, dream through the long, cold dark night

{SI/ill groups of lIell-,lishers step forftlud ftlith gifts indkative J)f the sort of preSJurI the
priflCe ftlill be under frolll diy one] PROPS' $n nota on first p..g..

FIRSTGROUP OFWELL-WISHERS [spokenJ

Whenyou're working on your lap-top in your lovely silk pyja~as
Andyour lobile phonekeeps ringing then whynot shout 'bananas'
This teddy bear will help you cli~b the ladder to great heights
As you're tapping on your lap top, using up those Megabytes'

f'i1
 SECONDGROUPOF WELL-WISHERS(spoken]
We'll give you this gift, the gift of great brains
To help you in life through the stresses and strains
Of being a King both lanly and kind, lAnd a strong hand to wave to all of mankind!

[sung]
SEMI-CHORUS
Sleep, little baby, take your time, no rivers to cross, no mountains to climb
Nobody'swaiting for you to achieve anything 80re than a night's sleep
Sleep baby, s;ile on your face, the world's fundamentally a friendly place
Sleep little baby, close those eyes, dreaN through the long, cold dark night

THIRD GROUPOF WELL-WISHERS[spoken]

Dear Prince, our gift to you from us and all our lates
This Filofax in calfskin hide packed full of crucial dates
You need to plan your life fully and steer things from the helm
To keep your subjects workinghard and faithful to the realm!

FOURTH GROUP
OF WELL-WISHERS
[spokenJ
v A golden census for the future king -
you lust remembereverything!
Both names and places, birthdays too, this precious gift we give to you!

SEMI-CHORUS
[sungJ
Sleep, little baby, youngand wise, you don't knowthe truth but then don't knowlies
Sip knowledge from the world's stream, but take time to dream your dreaM
Sleep baby, smile on your face, the world's fundamentallya friendly place
Sleep little baby, close those eyes, dream through the long, cold dark night

FULLCHORUS, KING'" j~I)EEN,ooe HI)BBLE

[sung)
Sleep, baby, close those eyes, sleep, baby, close those eyes
Sleep, baby, close those eyes, dream, dreamdream" ,.
Sleep, baby, close those eyes, sleep, baby, close those eyes
Sleep, baby, close those eyes, dream, dream dream",.
Dream, dreaM, dream,"dream, dream, dream."

{As th~y leave the stage, the whole l."hl.'NIStake up a ~hispered I."hantis in underl."lIrrent to tIhat
f~llo~!iJ

CHORUS[whispered]
0- 00nal0, O-D- Donald, O-O-D-Donald, 0-0-0-0 Donald
'-' Uuuuuh." {iudible inhilation for 2 beats1
Aaaaah", alldibleexha1itio" for 2 bnts1
I)uuuuuuuuhhh,, ,. {audible inhalation for 3ft beats1

(~'pl4t if '41'1,1"
tiRIIII 11 "eltJ,d until th, poiflt It lifilidl PrInce Oi)flaltt fiJi, fro#l thl itN,
During the f~,l1owing speech., the aollld leave tht! performing area .is they whispl?r the chant1

DONNIE[spoken)
As soon as I wasold enoughto climb it, that old tree -
the biggest oak in the grounds of the
Palace -
became.y oneescape". "y fragMentof precious freedom",
l4 sequenl."' of film or video stills shows the Prince g,otling up from bibyllood to ibout Ilge 3 or
4. Th>Jnthe toddler prince is seen to slolily climb a big tr~e then suddenly fill froM it.
Tne stage is empty ind silent for a fetl M/lhmts then",)

14/
 SCENE TWO
[The Queen ~'ofles storming on fallot/ed by a betlildered lUng and .anxious Professor MUI., 1
COSTV"E$: n.. King di"h."dl.d ... If in old !:I.",ien;n!.!
clothe". ih.. Q"..n in the bY"ln... ""It of a p...thed
pow.r-dr 1ha Proh...or ..natty ."H. PROPS: X-..ytr.n.paranci..
QUEEN(ipokenJ
How ~ould that of a nanny let this happen?! Doesn't ine realise
~arele5i ill9 the
iNpli~ationi? Whatare the mediagoing to Makeof it? You iay he'll never walk again?

[Profes50r /litila holds the [-r.y pictures up to the light)

PROFESSOR
ATTILA(ipoken)
The Prin~e'i spinal cord ii totally severe~ your Majesty. He'll be in a wheelchair for the
reit of his life,

QUEEN [spokenJ
But you're the world's expert on this sort of injury surely?

PROFESSOR
ATTILA (ipokenJ

~
My research is in exactly this area, but it could be years - decades - before we achieve a
breakthrough.

QUEEN[spoken to King as if it's his fault)

After all the trouble I've taken to give you a son! You realise this could be the end of the
monarchy if word gets out? The people worship their toddler Princ~ They donlt give a fig for
USI

KING [spoken)
You're just in a state of shock, darling",

QUEEN (spoken]
Shock?! Rubbish! I'm the only one around here with the wits to realise what we have to do.

QUEEN(sung]
Howcould a ~ripple inherit the throne?
respect in every homefroM a wheelchair?
Howcould he expect to command

QUEEN& PROFESSOR ATTILA (sung] KING[sung]

It would be Most unsuitable! It wouldbe a great Mistake, we'd all
It would be Most unsuitable! Regret it, it wouldbe unsuitable!
-- QUEEN(sung]
Mypeople need someone they can look up to
They would never honour my son as their monarch
Howcould he rule from a wheelchair?

QUEEN& PROFESSOR
ATTILA (sung] KING[sung]
It wouldbe most unsuitable! It would be a great mistake, we'd all
It wouldbe most unsuitablel Regret it, it would be unsuitable!

QUEEN[spoken]
Get Me another child!

PROFESSOR ATTILA.(spoken]
What?
QUEEN[spoken]
Another child, you fool, a replaceMent!

ATTILA [spoken]
PROFESSOR
YOy want Doctor Hubble to grow you another baby."

QUEEN[spoken)
Idiot! A child. Donald's age, Oonald's size, some orphan or other, 6et mea child that is
not broken! £Theyle.vI the sttlge, 1
TS1
 [00nn1e enters, pushing his own fIIheekh/lir, /lnd /lddre!!iseg the audien~"e. During this speech
lieraini, l1/1rbella, I1ndy, luno and Oiinll 8rown take up pl)siti~'ns 'it homeI gathered iNJUnd /I
popular IIdgazine or a 10'"/11piper, lierdint sits slightly aput, milking ~"/llculatil)ns on " tlell-
used plld of notepaper lnd laying out his number ;md letter ,"ird, in varioul mysti'"ll patterns,)
PROPS, Wheelchair. sofa, rug. ..gaz1na. no'epad, pen, le"a' . nu.ber <arde

DONNIE [spoken]
Andso I becaMeplain DonnieBrown, an adopted ~id in a wheelchair, My new family had no idea
of MYtrue identity, By the time I went to live with them, neither did I! Memoriesof mypast
life faded into dreams, Over the next ten years I followed the exploits of the glamorous
Prince Donaldwith as much or as little interest as anyoneelse,

[He sits in his tlhel!'h-hlir lnd becolf/I!'sput of till!'8rol/ln faA/ily group)

JUNO BROWN [spoken]

That's a gorgeous photo of him!
'-" DtANABROWN
(spoken]
!'!UIIIsaid I can have it for IIYbedroom!

COiln. ,"areflJlly tears the pagt': ,'ut of the fIIlgazineJ

ANDVBROWN [spoken]
You haven't any wall space left in your bedrooM, It's already covered with pictures of Prince
Donaldl

GIANABROWN
(spoken]
There's plenty of ceiling'

MAR8ELLA BROWN [spoken]

It says here "After his phenomenal succus in the movies culminating in his Oscar for Best
Child Actor in "Smudge:The Movie., the Royal Faltily have decided that Prince Oona.ld will
withdraw fr')1I! public life for a period of three years..,"

GIANA~ JUNO{spoken]
Oh! No!
'-"
MARBELLA
BROWN
[spoken]
"""wi11 withdraw from public life for a period of three years so he can concentrate on his
studies and prepare for life as monarch and role model for his people,'

DIANA& JVNO[spoken]
That's terrible!

MARBELLABROWN[spoken]
Hang on, hang on, there's somethlng else. though, "As the first stage in his education for
leadership he will spenda weekstaying in the hole of an average family, following their daily
routine and gaining a valuable insight into the lives and aspirations of ordinary people,"

ANOVBROWN(spoken]
Who's he going to stay with, Mum?

MARBELLA BROWN(spoken]
They're running this competition to find "The Most Average Family in the Realm"; and he'll gl)

and stay with the winners!

DIANA~ JUNO[spoken]
Vest !

I1ARBELLABROWN[spoken]
Calm down. girls, we're hardly likely to win it are we?
T{;}
 JUNOBROWN
(spoken)
Whynot?

MARBELLA
BROWN
(spoken)
Well, we're not exactly average",

OIANABROWN
[spoken]
Whynot. l1ulII?

I1ARBELLA
BROWN
[spoken)
Well", Cllfl'l:'IIlrc/lyJ
there's all sorts of things", Donniefor a start.

ANDVBROWN
[spoken]
What about Donnie?

MARBELLA BROWN [spoken]

Well", not every family has an adopted son in a wheelchair do they?

JUNO,ANOY,DIANAtspoken]
'-/ I'IUI1l!

I'IARBELLABROWN [spoken]
1'111not saying there's anything wrong \litth that, 1'111proud to have Oonnte as part of our
family, But it does lean we're not exactly average,

ANDVBROWN
[spoken]
$0 we couldn't win the competition?

I'IARBELLABROWN[$poken]
Well." rules are madeto be bent.

JUNOBROWN
[spoken]
Here she goes, , ,

I1ARBELLA
BROWN
[spoken)
We could be Just a little "economical with the truth",

DIANABROWN [spoken)
No. Mum, Just think if we won and they found out you'd been lying, It would be so
'--" embarrassing! Like all the other times when you've got caught,

MARBELLA BROWN [spoken)

Don't be silly! We'll fill in the forlA later and see if we can't flin that handsome Prince
D'Jnald, He'd be a cute toyboy for you, Juno! (/1arbellil e/d tg curying tfItJgtJzineJ

JUNOBROWN [spoken]
Oh, Mull!
l6erdint suddenly looks up fro. his cilcuationsJ

6ERAINT[spoken]
Juno, , ,
JUNOBROWN
[spoken)
Yes. Dad?
6ERAINT[spoken]
What date's YQur birthday, again?
JUNO BROWN(sPQKenJ
The thirteenth, Dad, I told you twice already. and YQU know anyway!

6ERAINT[spoken]
Oh, my God! {flith a gesture of despair, he gets /Jp iM buvesl

rll
 ANDY BROWN [spoken]
What's up with him, now?
JUNOBROWN
(2pokenJ
Whoknows? Life, probably!
DIANABROWN (spoken]
Comeon, Andy, help me stick these up on my ceiling!

ANOVBROWN
(spoken]
Okay! IAndy al7d{hand exi tJ
JUNOBROWN (spoken]
What a pair Mumand Dad are. He's always pown in the dumps nowadays. And Mumgets worse with
her fibs.
OONNIEBROWN
[spoken]
00 you think she'd lie about something really important?

JUNO BROWN [spoken]

I hopenot, but I must admit I'm not sure". Why?

DONNIE BROWN(spoken]
Well, y"u know they' ve always said they don't knowwhere 1 cue froM, who my natural parents
were or anything?
JUNO BROWN(spoken]
Oh, I think that's true, they really don't know,

DONNIEBROWN
[spoken]
And they reckon I was born like this,
JUNOBROWN
(spoken]
Yes,. ,
OONNIEBROWN (spoken)
Well, the thing is I've been getting these odd dreams lately, not dreams when I'm asleep, but
kind of night-time day dreams.,.
JUNOBROWN
(spoken)
What are they about?

DONNIE BROWN (sung)

When I lie awakeat night these pictures cometo me
Theyseema bit like dreams,but they seem a l~t more like memories
Somepictures change with time, some are always just the same
SomeI only ever see once, some I see again and again and again
I see a giant tree, I stand and stare for a long, long time
Thensomeonecalls mynameso I begin to climb,..

How [ wish these fading pictures wouldremain in the cold clear light of day
HowI wish these picture would last always
HowI wish that I could capture those images that my mindsees
-
Maybe then I could decide dreams or memories. dreams or memories

In another picture I'm speeding down a long steep hill, chasing butterflies
As I run I look down and I see the ground rushing by
Not lookingwhereI'm going50 I tumbleheadright over my heels
In theory this has never happened to me but I'm sure I know just howit feels
I lie there looking up through the branches of mytree
I hear a voice call .y name,so I begin to cljab onceagain".
HowI wish these fading pictures wouldremain in the cold clear light of day
HowI wish these picture would last always
HowI wish that I could capture those imagesthat mymind sees
Maybethen I could der.ide - dreaMs or Mlllorias. dreaMs or memories

Am I living in a dream world where fantasies seem real to me?

AmI living in a world where my wishes seem More real than reality?
I know it doesn't change the situation
All the saMe[ need to know
-
I'm in this chair for evermore

Did I ever learn to walk before?

~
 (/f.arbelld enters "ois1 1y pusl7il'liJ.andpulling 6er.aint tlit/7 her, 1

~ -:/ GERAINTBROWN
[spoken]

~" I don't want to fill in a silly competition forN, Marbella. Let go!
~ARBELLA BROWN [spoken)
Youneed somethingto take your mindoff those calculations.

lShe tries to gNlb the notebook frolll his h.and, but he lII.an.agesto evade her. 1

GERAINT 8ROWN[spoken]
Leave that alone' Leave mealone'

~AR8ELLABROWN
[spoken]
It's just a bit of fun."
6ERAINTBROWN
[spoken]

~~ No! I'm not interested!

Well,
MAR8ELLA
BROWN
[spoken)
at least just stay here in the living roomwhile the rest of us fill in the fori, Just
so I can ask you if I get stud. Please,.,

{6rUMpi1y, 6eraint sits dollln.and iMmerses flilllse1f in the notebooK,J

MAR8ELLA [shouting
BROWN to the others offstageJ
Comeon kids, let's tell fibs!

[JUnIJ.and Oo"nie ex,"h.a17geexlISper.ated gl.anl:es, but go to join l1.arbelli. The other Srot/n
l"hildren ,"olle running on to help .and the stige fills tllth family groups .all g.athered round
tlIagazines .Md papers ind preparing to fill in the forM,}
PROPS:ChaJr.., rug., ..ha~.Y.r to Indlcat. dlff.,.nt f...l1y group. in dlffar.'nt HYing '00".,
---~
CHORUS [sung directly to the audience]
Hey! Haveyou heard the news?
Everyonebut you is talking 'bout the competition of the century
Find this simple little form, it's printed in this morning's paper
Fill it in and send it ~ff, your entery (Deliberate mispronunciitionJ
k -./ lOuring so)"" the otMr fimilies all become absorbed in their entrr forlllS in a semi-freeze)
MARBELLA (sung)
BROWN
Lookat question numberone "Whatis your favourite TVprogramme?"
It IS so hard trying to guess what answer they're looking for.,.

JVNO, DONNIE, DIANA,ANDY[sung] ADULTCHORUS [sung]

Write the truth, Ma, write the truth What shall we answer?
Write the truth, Ma, write the truth What shall we answer?

MARBELLA BROWN (sung)

No-onein this life got far whonever sawpast telling harmless lies
Howcould 1 admit the weather forecast is my best delight?

CHILDREN'S
CHORUS
[sung] I1ARBELLA [sung) ADULTCHORUS [sung]
Write the truth, Ma I've got it! What shall we answer?
Write the truth That dreadful programme
Write the truth, Ma late on Sunday night,.. What shall we answer?
Write the truth!
MARBElLABROWN [spokenJ
You know the one I mean! I don't watch it, but you lot all dOl What's it called?

(91
 ~AReELLA BROWN& ADULT CHORUS[sung]
I' ye g,:!t it - "Royalty Today"!
That's the only wayto win. you just fill in whateverthey wantyouto say
See. look at you and me. ~e are obviously the prime exampleof the nation's average family

MARBELLABROWN[sung]
Look at question numbertwo "Whichmemberof your family makesall the big decisions?
Whowears the trousers in your family home?"

CHILDREN'S CHORUS [sung] ADULTCHORUS (sung]

Write the truth, Ma, write the truth Whatshall we answer?
Write the truth, Ma, write the truth Whatshall we answer?

JUNO,DONNIE.DIANA. ANDY[sung]
YouknowDadis too obsessedwith numbers,omens,signs and symbols
Too obsessed with "cruel fate" to reach decisions -
you decide it all!

CHILDREN'S CHORUS [sung] MARBELLA [sung] ADULTCHORUS [sung]

... Write the truth, Ma Howcould I? What shall we answer?
'-/ Write the truth How could 1 explain
Write the truth, Ma The situation here? What shall we answer?
Write the truth!
MARBELLA BROWN [sung)
Your poor father does what he can do, your poor father does what he is capable of
Your poor father's had a tough life, don't be so hard on him
Young people nowadaysare 50 unforgiving, young people nowadays are so hard

ADULTCHORUS & MARBELLA BROWN[sung]

Young people nowadaysare so unforgiving, young people nowadays are 50 hard
Young people nowadaysare so unforgiving, young people nowadays are so hard
Young people nowadaysare so unforgiving, young people nowadays are so hard

JUNOBROWN [spoken as the adult chorus sings)

Look. MUM,I'm not makingany judgeMentsabout Dad. I'm just saying he can't cope with everyday
life, He spendshis whole time counting drops of rain on the windowpane or dividing bricks in
the fireplace by cracks in the ceiling...

OIANABROWN
[spoken]
." he went crazy the other day when he counted thirty-nine pictures of Prince Donald in 11'(
"""'-" rOOM, Why thirty-nine?

AHOYBROWN
[spoken]
And he got really annoyed when he found 13 freckles on MYface! What was I supposed to do?
MARBELLA
BROWN
[spo~en)
Oh, leave the poor man alone!
MARBELLA BROWN[sung)
Look at question number three "Howmanychildren in your family?" That's a hard one!

JUNOBROWN
[spoken]
MuM! You can't lie about that!
ANOYBROWN[spoken]
You know how .any ~hildren you've got!
OIANABROWN
[spoken]
They're boundto check the answer!
MARBELLABROWN[spoken]
It's not as cut and dried as you think it is!

JUNO,DONNIE,DIANA. AHOY [sung]

What do you mean? You only have to count us, one, two, three and four!

MARBELLABROWN[sung]
What's that number? I knowfor sure.., Yes! I know it... twopoint four!
Jk;)