August 23, 2020

My Spiritual Journey on Earth

My childhood life up to high school was something ordinary. I have a typical family. My
relationship with God was mediocre too. I go to church just because I’m obliged to. Nothing is
special about my life. Everything is fine as far as family and studies are concerned. The saddest
point of my life happened when I was about to enter college (with my first course before I
entered the seminary). My father who was working away started to lie-low in supporting us
financially. I thought it was just a simple misunderstanding and time will make him realize what
he has done but he didn’t. As time goes by, my father’s support and our communications
started to fade. There were times when I didn’t receive any reply when I am asking for my
tuition fee. I felt bad for him and my sulking grew to anger to resentment to grudge. It left a
huge crack on my relationship with him. I tried to forget him and not even greet him on his
birthday or special occasion. I want to prove him that abandoning us is the biggest mistake he
has ever done and we can still stand on our own and be successful in life even without him. But
everything changes when I was on the last year of my college days. On the 5 th year of my
studies, I felt successful but still lacking inner joy. I feel as if something is missing. One of my
schoolmates introduced me to a Catholic youth organization named Youth for Christ. The
realization that struck me the most after joining this group is the truth about the unconditional
love of God. I realized that everything that we have are all graces from God . With all that I have
been through and from what the posture of my heart has become from these sad experiences,
the Lord still blesses me and my family---more than I deserve. After many years of continued
service for God through the YFC community, my ice-cold heart for my father thawed and I was
able to grant him forgiveness even if he didn’t ask for it. I realized that holding a grudge in my
heart is not healthy because it destroys me from the inside.

I immersed myself deeply in the service of God through my fellow youth because for
me, this is just the least that I can do to give thanks to God for all the blessings we have
received and continuously receiving. I said to myself that I will always say “yes” for whatever
the Lord will offer.

As I find joy in serving the Lord and strive to be a better person, a better son, a better
brother and a better Christian, I strive to be good in everything I do. I strived to do things, which
I thought, can please the Lord. As I happily follow what brings me joy, I end up looking up for
higher mission and calling. I discerned to be a Fulltime Pastoral Worker, as a lay missionary for
the Couples for Christ community.

I started to prepare myself for it. I asked for signs in my prayers. But God gave me the
opposite which made me realized that what I was discerning for is not what He wanted me to
take. I was certain that God is leading me to a greater path. I thought that it was being a lay
missionary. I knew and I can feel that he was leading me to a life of service but it became
unclear as to what it was because He didn’t give me the sign I was asking for. I already prepared
myself to be full time lay missionary and all my plans for the next year (2015) are connected to
it. But then, I got confused and my thoughts wandered. I thought that I already knew what God
wanted me to do but all of a sudden, I was lost and didn’t know which path I should take. To
regain my sense of direction, I asked God in the most solemn prayer I had ever made about His
plans for me. I prayed silently in my room and asked Him to speak to me and tell me which path
He is leading me. I silenced my heart and my mind of any thoughts. I tried to open my heart for
His words. After a moment of silence, I heard a voice telling me “Come and follow me.” I
thought it was just me or someone outside my room was fooling me but I told myself, “isn’t it I
who asked God a question? Should I not believe the answer I have heard?” From that day on, I
started to plan another course of my journey in life with God at its center.

My mom once asked me, about my plans in the near future because she might have
notice that I don’t prepare anymore about my previous dream of working abroad. I answered “I
just want to be happy.” And as I grow spiritually in my service in the youth ministry, the
message of the Lord became clearer. What He wants me to do is to take the road less traveled.
I know it will not be an easy nor fast journey, but what the Lord wants to assure me is that it
will be all worth it.

What am I expecting in this Spiritual Direction?

Before entering pre-college seminary, a seminarian told me that I should be open and
honest to my spiritual director and consider it with utmost importance. This became my guiding
principle in terms of dealing with spiritual direction since my first year of my formation. I have
been open to my SD since I was in pre-college. However, when I was in college seminary, I
seldom meet my SD due to conflicts with the schedule of my SD and other unforeseen matters.
With regards to my spiritual direction in Theologate, I am expecting that this will help me to
form my self holistically and integrally; to discover more on how to nurture my vocation; to
help me to be matured enough; to improve my spirituality and to be more open to directions
given to me by my SD.