Chapter 1

☽☾
WHATEVER THIS IS
#whtvrthss #h1
Hamartia Series First Instalment
ynativity

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Any resemblance to real people and other stories are purely coincidental.

Raw version, apologies for the grammatical and typographical errors present in the
story.

CONTENT WARNING:
depression, miscarriage, rape, self-harm, harassment, violence, character deaths,
foul language.

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D E D I C A T I O N

For those who chose to fight,

I am with you.

You are loved.

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S T A T U S & A C H I E V E M E N T S

Published | 10.30.18
Finished | 01.30.19

© ynativity 2018
All Rights Reserved

Chapter 2

You can read my stories in any order, but here is the preferred sequence:

Hamartia Series:
Whatever This Is (Completed)
Whenever You Want (Completed)
However This Goes (On-Going)
Instalment #4

Hearthushed Series:
Van: The Summer We Met (Completed)
Maxim: The Night You Happened (Completed)
Finn: The Moment I Fell (Completed)

Hearthushed Series Second Generation:

Fleeting Moments (On-Going)

Stand-Alone
Bakit Hindi Naging Tayo? (Completed)
Eros (Completed)
Thank you!

Chapter 3

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti01
chapter one

THE COLOURS DANCED in front of me in a very unruly swaying manner, like ballerinas
with broken feet. I let my head fall swiftly on the cold and dirty table. Distant
stars began to swirl as the wind kissed my exposed legs because of the short fitted
checkered skirt I was wearing. I shuddered when my medallion touched my bare skin,
its metallic coldness sent shivers in between my ribs. I sat down properly. My
loose black shirt moved with the wind's direction, making the fabric kiss my figure
softly.

I craned my neck upwards. The night sky looked somber and gloomy. It was a dark
shade of blue. The more you stare at it, the more it felt real, like a blackhole
sucking your existence to space. I stretched my right arm, as if reaching for it.
What's it like to be in outer-space?

The stars blinked at my miserable state. A tired smile naturally came out of my
chapped lips. The scent of cheap beer attacked my nostrils as I heaved a deep
breath. I let out a humourless chuckle, which caused a person walking out of the
convenience store to look at me with a terrified expression, which was not new to
me.

Unti-unting bumagsak muli ang aking ulo sa lamesa dala ng labis na pagkahilo. I
gripped on the nearest, half-empty bottle of beer on my table. Ang lamig ng bote ay
nanuot sa aking palad. Sa pag-angat ng aking ulo ay agad ko iyong tinungga.

The horrible taste ran on my tastebuds, heated my throat, and eventually sent fire
to my stomach. Nilingon ko muli ang kalangitang halos takasan na ng liwanag kung
hindi lang dahil sa mga bituin. I leaned on the glass wall and pointed one of the
twinkling stars, connecting it to the next one, then the next, forming weird
figures and non-existent constellations.

Hindi tahimik ang gabi, ngunit hindi rin maingay. There's noise from the night-owls
out in the streets, the vehicles, and the chimes from the convenience store.
However, my mind was telling me otherwise. The demons inside my head were
screaming, begging for me to let them out and rule my sanity.

I chuckled at the thought. My demons won't win against me. They're all in my head.
I am the devil in flesh. I have the upper-hand.

My ringtone pulled me out of my drunk trance. I pulled my phone out of my pocket

and threw it on the table. Bahala na kung masira iyon. The moment I saw my sister's
name, my insides took a drastic turn. Hindi ko na lang iyon pinansin. Hinintay kong
matapos ang pag-riring at pinatay ito nang walang pagdadalawang-isip.

I held on to the beer bottle tightly as I watched the headlights of the vehicles
passing by. Something inside me awakened, an emotion I've been killing for how many
years now, an emotion I've been trying to drown with alcohol. Nilingon ko ulit ang
kalangitan kahit na umiikot na ang aking paningin at nalulula.

If I die, will I finally be able to see the world from the top view?
Umiling-iling ako. Kailangan ko na sigurong umuwi. Nilingon ko ang loob ng
convenience store at nakita ang kaherang nakasilip sa akin. Akala naman niya siguro
ay magwawala na 'ko dito. Sumimangot ako sa naisip.

Raindrops started to fall, enveloping the atmosphere with a much heavier tension,
as if it wasn't gloomy enough. Dahil nasa silong naman ang lamesa ay hindi ako
nabasa, maliban na lang sa aking itim na sapatosat mga binti na nadadaplisan ng
ulan. Lalong lumakas ang hangin. Tila tinakasan na ako ng ligamgam sa katawan dahil
sa sobrang lamig.

I stood with my wobbling knees. I walked towards the gutter with the immense need
of my skin to feel the droplets of water. My vision turned hazy and my mind felt
blank. Sleeping under the night-sky, cradled by the approaching storm felt like a
nice concept. My hair started to stick on my skin. My loose shirt started to hug my
frame. My make-up's probably washed off by now.

The raindrops were light, as if they were careful as they kissed my bare skin,
washing away my sins. I closed my eyes and cleared my mind while my legs continued
moving. I was wandering inside my own euphoric world when a strong grip grabbed my
arm.

"Tangina."

A strong force pulled me out of my drunk trance. Nagising ako nang bahagya sa
kaniyang malutong na pagmumura at sa tumigil na Malibu. Bumusina ito bago binaba
ang bintana ng sasakyan. A young guy peeked his head and looked at me. Nginitian ko
lamang siya at binigyan ng dalawang thumbs up tapos ay tumawa.

"She's fine. Sorry for the inconvenience," sabi ng isang boses.

The young guy looked at this man beside me who's gripping my forearm. Tumango ang
driver ng sasakyan, but he was hesitant when he rolled back the car windows. Kung
sakali mang nasagasaan niya ako at tinakbuhan, I wouldn't mind.

Ibinaling ko ang aking tingin sa lalaking dumating. His jaw clenched. Padabog
niyang binitiwan ang braso ko. Nasapo niya ang noo habang nakapamewang at may gigil
na sinipa ang bato sa may gutter.

"Kung mag-iinom ka, do'n sa bahay niyo! O kung may balak kang magpakamatay, 'wag
mong ipakita sa iba!" bulyaw niya.

Kumunot ang aking noo. Who is this guy? Ni hindi ko siya kilala. Against the
streetlights, his features looked dark, manly, and rogue. Sinipat ko ang suot
niyang pormal na pormal: from the white button-down and sleek black slacks, hindi
ko aasahan ang gaya niya na magawi sa lugar na 'to.

"I'm not trying to kill myself, " tugon ko.

Nilingon niya ako nang may sarkastikong ekspresyon. Mapakla siyang tumawa at
humakbang palapit. Halos umatras na nga ako. May gigil ang bawat yabag niya. His
movements were heavy, as if a great amount of tension comes with it.

"What was that for?! Muntik ka nang masagasaan!" sigaw niya. Humiyaw siya at umiwas
ng tingin. Napapalingon na sa 'min ang ilang nasa kalsada.

My eyes rolled upward. Bitter thoughts crashed like a wild wave inside my fucked up
head. How could a stranger be this bothered about my death? O baka naman kaya niya
ako hinila dahil makokonsensya siya kung sakali mang pinanood niya lamang akong
mamatay?
I stopped myself before I get to my most private insecurities and longing. Iniwasan
kong isipin ang ibang bagay na hindi naman dapat isipin.

"Thanks for saving my life, I guess," blangko kong tugon at tumalikod. That was
when I noticed that some people were looking at us.

Suddenly, I felt like thousands of eyes were watching me and my every move. Despite
the heavy rainfall and the cold breeze, my body felt as if it was on fire. The eyes
of the people who did not know me burned holes into my skin.

I didn't want to see them, nor feel them. Itinuon ko ang aking mata sa kalangitan.
The void, so empty, yet so comforting, at least for me. Tuluyang napalitan ng
kadiliman iyon nang may telang tumaklob sa aking mukhang nakatingala.

"Tatanga-tanga, 'wag kang maglakad nang nakatingala. Kaya ka masasagasaan, e," the
same raspy voice said. Inayos ko ang aking tayo at nilingon siya. Pinasadahan niya
ako saglit ng kaniyang mga galit na mata. His hand was above my head, holding his
button-down shirt, leaving him with a sheer t-shirt. Ang kaniyang tingin ay wala sa
akin, kundi nasa tawiran.

"What do you want? Some good fuck?"

Dahan-dahan siyang bumaling sa 'kin. His dark eyes almost burned my skin. He heaved
a deep and exasperated sigh before looking away. Nagtangis muli ang kaniyang panga.

"Ano?" I asked again. Pumikit siya nang mariin at umiling sa sarili.

"I'm not interested," mariin niyang sabi. Tumango lamang ako kahit hindi niya
nakikita. Was he trying to be a good samaritan by helping a drunk misfit cross the
road? Baka mamaya ay may camera pala diyan sa tabi-tabi at bukas ay nasa TV na ako.
I don't want that. I don't want that type of attention.

"Sigurado ka?" I asked then chuckled. Napapikit siyang muli at kinagat ang pang-
ibabang labi, tila nagpipigil ng kung ano.

"I have a girlfriend," aniya at bumaling sa akin. Natigil ako sa pagtawa. Oh?

"Share mo lang?" I deadpanned. Hindi siya umimik. Nabawasan ang sasakyan at saka
niya ako sinamahang tumawid. Hindi ko makuha ang purpose ng pagtataklob niya sa
akin gayong basang-basa na rin naman ako.

Sa silong ng tindahan kami tumigil. My apartment is probably just five minutes

away, located down the dark road.

"Thanks," matamlay kong sabi. Nararamdaman ko na ang kirot ng aking ulo. Tinanggal
niya ang kaniyang polo na nakataklob sa 'kin. It came with his scent, like an
expensive perfume from Europe.

"Suotin mo," aniya.

"Basa 'yan. Malalamigan ako lalo," sagot ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling
ang lakas ng loob kong makipag-usap sa estrangherong 'di ko na maaninag ang mukha
dahil sa hilo at panlalabo ng paningin.

"It will cover your body. Your shirt's hugging your figure already."

Napanguso ako. He's right. I pulled my shirt away from my skin, ngunit 'pag
binitiwan ay mabilis iyong kumakapit sa hulma ng aking katawan. I heard him cuss.
"Wear this, Emma," mas mariin niyang sabi.

I abruptly craned my neck to look at him the moment I heard my name.

"It's Eve," pagtatama ko.

Diretso ang kaniyang tingin sa aking mata, ni hindi bumababa kahit kaunti. Even
with my faulty vision, naaninag ko ang kaseryosohan ng kaniyang mukha. Tumango siya
at nagtiim-bagang nang bahagyang bumaba ang tingin sa aking katawan. Tila napapaso
ang kaniyang mga matang ibinalik niya agad ang kaniyang tingin sa aking mukha.

"Now, wear this, whoever you are."

Hinablot ko iyon sa kaniya. Umiwas siya ng tingin. I was closing the buttons when
he looked again. It was too big for me that it didn't stick to my torso.

"Go home."

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang meron sa kaniyang tono at bakit napasusunod ako nito.
Tinalikuran ko siya at nagsimulang tahakin ang daan pauwi. I looked back and saw
him lighting a cigarette while looking at my direction. Bumuga siya ng usok. His
left hand made a dismissing gesture. Hindi na ako lumingon pa hanggang sa
makarating sa apartment.

Padarag kong ibinagsak ang sarili sa malamig na semento. The impact made me wince
as pain enveloped my knees. Agad kong ginapang ang sarili patayo. I left a trail of
raindrops on the floor as I walked towards the bedroom.

My easel stood in the middle of my dark bedroom. A blank canvas begged for colors.
I switched on the pale orange lightbulb. I approached my stack of acrylic tubes and
put some on my palms, creating a messy swirl of colors. Wala sa sarili ko iyong
inilapat sa canvas. I was switching between my bare fingers and a worn out brush.
Naramdaman ko ang tubig sa aking mga paa. His loose button-down shirt was dripping
with rainwater.

My thoughts travelled elsewhere. I felt something trail down my cheeks, followed by

another, then another, until I lost count of it. Images of my sister under the
sparkling light of chandeliers, in contrast with the pale light from the bulb that
I have, flashed in my mind. The roseate gleam of her favorite carnation dress
capturing each and everyone's hearts at formal parties, her soft smile and minimal
make-up, everything that I'm not. Father is probably standing beside her right now,
socializing with elites from different clans of New York. He probably introduces
her as his only daughter...kasi siya lang ang worth it.

While here I am, a miserable piece of flesh in drenched clothes. I almost died,
again. I'm drunk and a horrible mess, with paint splattered on the left palm. The
four blank walls of the room can only listen to my weeping and my desperate
screams.

Napaluhod ako sa sahig, bumping my easel. Eventually, I bled my heart out, one
fragment at a time, tearing myself apart and crying myself to sleep. I deserve all
of these. I'm sorry that I do not know how to be nice beautiful.

My tiny sparkle of hope turned to dust, eventually floating out of my window,

blending in the soft and silent night sky, until I couldn't see it anymore.

☽☾
Chapter 4

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti02
chapter two

I WOKE UP with a searing headache. My crumpled sheets fell on the floor as I

harshly sat down on my bed. Kinapa ko ang aking telepono sa kama. I groaned when I
couldn't find it. Binato ko iyong unan sa inis at nakitang nasa ilalim lang iyon. I
turned it on. Nilingon ko ang makalat kong sahig. The clothes I wore yesterday were
scattered in the floor. Sinilip ko ang sarili. I was wearing nothing, but an
oversized shirt.

I lazily picked up my dirty laundry. Nilingon ko ang aking easel na nasa gilid. The
canvas looked horrible; it was carelessly splattered with colors. The acrylic tubes
were on the floor as well. Madami akong lilinisin. My whole room is a total mess.

I went to the bathroom to wake myself up then I prepared myself some coffee to
knock some sense on my head. How much did I drink last night? I can barely remember
anything. How the hell did I even get home safely?

Binalikan ko ang aking cellphone. I shuffled through my inbox and call logs. Aside
from a missed call from my sister, there was nothing new. Thank God I did not drunk
texted nor called anyone! Salamat na lang at hindi ko pinahiya ang sarili ko kahit
kanino.

I picked up my clothes on the floor. Malamig iyon at parang nabasa. Umulan ba

kagabi? My brows furrowed as my eyes fixated on a large button-down on the floor. I
stretched it with my arms, figuring it's too big to be my size. I do not even own
something like this. Was I too drunk that I brought a guy here?!

My palm slapped my sweaty forehead. Ang tanga ko talaga minsan. After fixing the
sheets of my bed, I harshly sat down on it, resulting to a creaking sound from its
old wooden legs. I closed my eyes and forced myself to think and remember what
happened last night.

"Puta." I rolled my eyes.

Wala akong maalala! I examined myself in front of the built-in mirror of my huge
wooden closet in front of my bed. I did not see any marks on my neck. My legs do
not hurt. I double checked my sheets and there were no red stains. Good job,
Emmanuelle! Ni hindi mo alam kung may naisuko ka ba kagabi!

Sinipat ko ang damit. Tumaas nang bahagya ang kilay ko nang makita ang tag nito.
It's an expensive brand. Father owns something from this brand. It had a faint
scent of a manly perfume, too. So hindi nga sa akin 'to? E kanino?

Figuring out that I would probably waste my time thinking whose polo was that, I
simply threw it on the laundry basket and stood up to fix my art cabinet. I picked
up my old acrylic tubes and placed them on their respective containers along with
some cheap worn out brushes and plastic palettes with dried paint. Nilingon ko ang
easel at ang canvas na nasayang ko. I probably painted that last night. Sayang
naman kung itatapon ko. I sighed and picked it up, then placed it on the bed. I
should fix that later.

I felt sweaty and disgusting after cleaning my room. Parang gusto ko tuloy maligo
ulit ngunit tinatamad na ako. I ended up just washing my face and changing my
clothes. It was almost lunchtime when my phone rang. Otomatikong napangiti ako nang
makita ang pangalan ng kaibigan doon.

"Emma!" bati niya mula sa kabilang linya at humalakhak.

"'Sup, Vi?" tugon ko. Binuksan ko na agad ang aking closet dahil sigurado akong
magyayaya ito kung saan. It's Sunday, of course. That's the usual schedule.

"Lunch?" aya niya. Her sarcasm flowed out of her high pitched voice. I let out a
chuckle.

"Lunch ba talaga?" tanong ko pabalik. Lalong lumakas ang kaniyang tawa, na parang
witch sa tinis. If only I do not love her, I would have snapped at her annoying
laugh. I heard a deeper voice in the background, probably her brother, Raven.

"Lunch muna syempre.The KJ is here. Tambay muna tayo sa studio," aniya. Tumango-
tango ako kahit hindi niya nakikita.

Sinipat ko ang aking dress na nakahanger pa. Inilapit ko ang tela sa aking ilong.
My lips curved into a grin when it smelledlike my vanilla perfume, hindi amoy luom
ng damitan.

"Sure!"sagot ko.

"Susunduin ka ni Ravi," aniya. She giggled like a hormonal teenager. Napairap ako.
When will she stop rooting for me and her brother?

"Okay," tugon ko na lang. She ended the call afterwards.

Inilapag ko ang dress sa kama. I then went to my rack of shoes. I picked up the
leather strapped wedge heels. I opened my smaller cabinet and got some lace socks.

I let down my naturally dark hair, something that I inherited from my mother. I
turned on my lampshade while getting my make-up. The bright white light highlighted
my features, as well as my imperfections.

I started to draw on my face, as how I do with my sketchpads. My eyeshadow

resembled the dark galaxies. I swiftly applied a thin swipe of eyeliner. Bilugin at
malaki ang aking mga mata, something that people use to distinguish me from my
sister. Hers is a chinky, bright pair while mine have always looked round and dull.
I swiped on some deep plum lipstick, covering my pale pink lips. Kinuha ko iyong
champagne highlighter at tinadtad ang nose-line kong mataas na at ang cheekbones. I
have always been a fan of anything goth, salungat sa kapatid ko. Ewan ko ba.

I slipped on the black fitted dress, its expensive fabric hugging my body
perfectly. It had white peter pan collars and sheer black lace crept from my elbows
to my shoulders. It barely reached my knees. I wore my lace socks and my black
wedge shoes. Inipon ko ang hanggang bewang kong buhok sa kanang bahagi at
tinirintas ito, finishing it with a plum ribbon.

Narinig kong may bumusina sa labas. I turned off the lamp and grabbed my mangled
canvas. I didn't bother to bring any art materials. Mayroon naman kasi sa studio,
since that's basically my second home.

Kinakandado ko pa lang ang pinto nang marinig ko ang sipol ni Raven. Natatawa ko
lang siyang nilingon. Napansin ko agad ang kaniyang buhok. His mullet is now a dark
shade of purple. Sa sobrang dilim ng kulay ay hindi iyon halata, but with my
observant eyes and artistic instincts, I just knew it's not black.
"Is that you, grown up Wednesday Addams?" panunukso niya. His deep set eyes scanned
my entirety. Tumaas ang kaniyang kilay. I playfully punched his forearm when his
eyes stayed on my legs.

"Mukha ba?" tanong ko. Ngayon ko nga lang din napansin. His saturated red lips
puckered.

"Yeah, dapat ay hinati mo iyong tirintas mo. You look like you're cosplaying for
Halloween," aniya at natawa. Gumawi ang tingin niya sa hawak ko. Hinayaan ko siyang
makuha iyon sa 'kin.

"What happened to this one?" tanong niya. Nagkibit-balikat ako.

"I was drunk," sagot ko na lang at pumasok na sa loob ng shotgun seat. Sumunod
naman siya agad, sinusuri pa rin ang canvas ko na mukhang binagyo ng kulay.

Raven carefully placed my canvas at the backseat. He handled it with utmost care
that I almost laughed. Ang pangit non! Akala mo naman e mamahaling painting sa
museum!

"That's not Da Vinci's Monalisa," saad ko at natawa. Nilingon niya ako at

sumimangot.

"Still, it's your work! Kailan mo ba pahahalagahan ang mga gawa mo?" he asked
before starting the engine.

It was a simple, harmless, and innocent question, but it rang in my head. I can
almost hear my inner monsters rejoicing as my insecurities started to crawl out
from the back of my head. I looked back at my canvas which looked grubby. It's
nowhere near beautiful. It's not even halfway pretty. The colors looked lost and
unruly, like a disaster engulfed the canvas. I looked at Raven who was silently
cursing at the traffic jam, as if he did not say anything that would bother my
mind. See? It's a harmless question! Why am I pondering too much about it?

Vivian had always hated me for hating myself. Hindi ko lang kasi ma-gets! What's so
nice about me? What's to like on that painting.... Is that even a painting? It
looked so horrible that my eyes wanted to claw themselves out. Parang gawa ng
kinder na nilandi lang ang pintura. I couldn't even believe my drunk self did that!
Sayang ang resources.

My phone vibrated. Emmarie was written on my damn screen. My grip on my phone

tightened. Why does she have to call me from time to time?! Hindi naman kailangan!
What does she need from me? Isn't she happy there? Bakit niya pa ako kailangang
bagabagin?

Nilingon ni Raven ang telepono ko. Tumaas muli ang kilay niya at inilipat ang
atensyon sa aking mukha. Dahil sa traffic ay nakatigil kami sa kalsada. He opened
his car windows as his elbow rested on the sill, while his cheek was on his fist,
looking like a model for this car. Sinimangutan ko siya. Vivian's brother is fine
as fuck. I just don't see myself entering a relationship right now.

His lips curved into a smirk. "What now, Emmanuelle? Nabighani na ba kita?"
nanunuya niyang tanong.

"You're not helping," sabi ko at pinakita muli sa kaniya ang aking screen. Tumango-
tango siya, nakuha agad ang aking ibig sabihin. Nilipat niya saglit ang tingin sa
kalsada at bumusina dahil sa iritasyon.

"Answer it, then. That's just your sister..." aniya na parang wala lamang iyon.
"Niloloko mo ba ako? Why would I answer this? Sasayangin niya lang naman ang oras
niya sa pakikipag-usap sa 'kin," mapait kong sabi. Out of impulse, I declined her
call and turned off my phone again before throwing it on the backseat.

Pumalatak siya. He shook his head with disappointment. "Malay mo naman miss ka na
niya..."

I wanted to fake a laugh and fabricate a surprised smile but I didn't. It seemed
like I couldn't find the strength to do it. Nanatiling nakatikom ang mga labi ko at
nakasimangot.

"No," tipid kong sabi at lumingon sa labas.

Ravi sighed. Alam nilang magkapatid ang lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, and they know how
much I don't want to get myself involved with my own family. Kung kaya ko lang ang
sarili ko, baka matagal na akong lumayo. Call me a coward, pero alam kong mas
maganda nang ganito ang sitwasyon ko hangga't 'di ko pa kaya nang mag-isa. I may be
like this, ruled by emotions, pero may practicality pa namang natitira sa katinuan
ko. I don't want to be homeless and die just like that. May mga pangarap din naman
ako sa buhay, I will get there. I'm not sure when, but I'm certain that it will
happen.

Loud music blasted from inside the studio. Unti-unti akong napangiti. Nang tumigil
ang sasakyan ni Ravi ay agad akong bumaba. Suddenly, my mood was back to being good
again. Great, even! Halos dalawang linggo rin akong hindi nakapunta dito.

My studio is located at the second floor of a regular commercial building. Sa

ilalim nito ay isang printing press, kung saan may isang maliit na tarpaulin doon
ng mga gawa ko. Raven did the layout and asked the owner of the shop kung pwedeng
ipaskil iyon doon. I saw the old man looked at me and waved. Nginitian ko naman
siya pabalik. People here do not know me—at least not enough for them to realize
that it's disgusting to even just look at me. I was almost pulled back to my waves
of dismal memories when I saw my best friend, half of her body leaning on the
windowsill, waving her hands in an exaggerated manner. Unti-unti kong ibinalik ang
ngiti.

Lovestreet was written in textured brush vintage letters, white calligraphy ink
contrasting the dark wooden surface. Wild shrubs from the rose family swayed with
the wind. Vines crept in a rough tangled manner in the pale yellow walls.

Inunahan ko si Ravi na umakyat. Nilingon ko siya at nakita ko siyang umiiling

ngunit nakangiti habang kinukuha iyong canvas ko sa backseat.

Sunlight beamed through the windows, illuminating Vivian's pin-straight locks. I

immediately ran to hug her. Humiwalay ako saglit para sipatin ang suot niyang
straight cut at maikling bistida.

Ravi is one fine snack, it is no doubt that Vivian looks like a whole course meal.
Her light brown eyes looked like pools of honey, dripping with saccharine lustre.
Bare faced, her caramel skin looked golden under the harsh sunrays.

"Wednesday Addams?" tanong niya habang hine-head-to-foot ako. I only gave her a
cheeky grin. Magkapatid talaga sila ni Raven, parehas pa sila ng comment.

Inilibot ko ang tingin sa studio. Mom bought me this place as a gift. She knew that
I was into art, kaya naman sabi niya ay gawin ko itong studio ko. This became my
safehaven, my escape whenever our house didn't feel like home anymore, when summer
dreams felt cold like lonely Christmas eves, and when everything at our castle-like
mansion all felt too much to take in.

May maliit na kwarto at isang banyo. Kaya naman minsan, I let Vivian use this as
her go-to apartment whenever she doesn't feel like going home. Naiintindihan ko
siya. Maybe that's why we became friends; our field of experiences match. Our
brains are both twisted in some ways.

Lovestreet isn't grandiloquent nor anything fancy. The peach floor and cream walls
were clean and plain. The metal grills of the huge windows emitted a bronze
burnish. My wooden art table is placed directly in front of the largest window,
directly exposed to the golden sunlight. Succulents were carefully placed on the
windowsill. Plants hanged in nets casted a shadow on my table. Some of my art
displays for sale stood proud near the door.

"What happened to this?" tanong ni Vivian at kinuha ang canvas kay Raven. Raven
only pointed his finger to me before removing his denim jacket and letting it sit
on the backrest of a wooden chair.

"Hindi ko nga rin alam. Akin na, aayusin ko," saad ko at inabot naman sa 'kin ni
Vivian iyon. Inilapag ko muna iyon sa lamesa. Vi turned on the fan and sat with her
brother on the far corner.

"Saan ba tayo mamaya?" I asked while gathering some of the paint tubes. Vivian
slapped her brother playfully as I caught him staring at me with great intensity.
Tinawanan niya ang kapatid.

"Diyan lang!" saad nito at natatawa pa dahil nahuli ko ang kapatid niyang nakatitig
sa 'kin.

Napansin ko ang pamumula ni Raven kahit na moreno siya. Iritable niyang inalis ang
kamay ng kapatid sa kaniya ngunit may naglalarong ngiti sa labi. He went to the
other table, kung nasaan ang maliit kong speakers at ang cellphone ni Vi na
tumutugtog. Inalis niya iyon sa pagkaka-connect at pabirong hinagis sa kapatid. He
fished out his phone and played a punk rock song na agad sinabayan ni Vivian.

I sat down on my wooden chair as I played with my wet synthetic brush on my right
hand. Iniisip ko pa kung paano ko gagawan ito ng paraan. This is a disaster. Kung
hindi lang talaga mahal ang canvas...

"In the chill of your stare I am painfully lost like a deer in the lights of an
oncoming bus!"Vivian's voice boomed inside the small space. Nakikitawa ang kaniyang
kapatid sa kaniya habang kinukuhanan siya ng video. I usually like to work in
peace, cradled by the comforting morning silence, pero kung silang dalawa ang mag-
iingay ay ayos lang naman.

I've lived my life in pastel dreams and roseate ecstasies. I grew up with the best
of all worlds. Emmarie and I were raised in the most proper and loving manner.
However, I grew tired of it all. The sun used to be comforting and warm, until I
got burned. The standards and almost perfect facades strangled me. I found it hard
to breathe. It was a slow death, a painful experience. I wanted freedom. I didn't
want to wear a mask. It was a chapter of silent agony. Si Emmarie ay kaya ang
patuloy na mabuhay sa ganoon—maybe she was born to be the ideal one. I couldn't
quite figure out how exactly are we twins.

Napatigil ang magkapatid sa malakas nilang pagkanta. I closed my acrylic tube and
looked at the both of them. Raven stood up to turn the music off. Doon namin mas
malakas na narinig ang tunog ng katok.

Vivian looked at me and raised her brow. Dali-dali kong inayos ang mga gawa kong
binebenta. Raven went inside the small room to get my framed works. Paglabas niya
ng mga 'yon ay saka binuksan ni Vivian ang pinto.

"Good morning! Welcome to Lovestreet!" masigla niyang bati at binukas lalo ang
pinto.

A figure of a tall and well-built man sauntered inside, his boots making sounds as
it hit the floor. Tamad niyang tiningnan ang display ng mga gawa ko. His white v-
neck shirt hugged the breadth of his wide shoulders perfectly. He kneeled in front
of one of my highest-priced artwork, a watercolor painting attached to wood,
decorated with real flowers, golden glitters and coated with clear resin. Hinawakan
niya iyon at binuhat. He was staring at it with no emotions at all! I can't figure
out if he's not impressed or what.

Tumikhim ako para mapansin niya. Nilingon niya ako. He shamelessly eyed me from
head to toe. I thought he was going to comment about me looking like Wednesday
Addams, but no, he did not say a word. Nilipat niya ang tingin sa hawak niyang gawa
ko.

"How much is this?" tanong niya at nilingon si Raven. Si Raven ay mukhang nabigla
at nilingon naman ako. Obviously, wala siyang alam.

"Pare, sa kaniya ka magtanong," natatawa nitong sabi at tinuro ako. He then again
looked at me and raised his brow. Sungit.

"5k, Sir," pormal kong sagot. Tumango-tango siya at hindi na iyon binitiwan ngunit
tumingin pa ng ibang displays. May isang stack doon ng sticker henna na designs ko
at ni Vivian. Vivian usually worked with ink and created monochromatic pieces; ako
ang mas mahilig sa iba't ibang kulay ng pintura.

"What's this for?" tanong niya at nilingon na ako. I looked at Vivian. Somehow, I
don't feel comfortable talking to him. Si Vivian naman ay tinraydor ako at
pinanlakihan ng mata, hindi sumasagot. Napilitan tuloy akong lumapit sa kaniya.

"Temporary tattoo," tipid kong sagot. Dinampot niya ang isang pack doon na mula sa
designs ko. He picked the lady justice embellished with deep red roses, it's thorns
piercing her body. That artwork speaks a lot, at least for me. That justice has its
facade. That justice isn't fair. That justice almost equates to shedding blood.

"Can I try this one?" tanong niya. Umiling ako.

"We don't have testers for these," pormal kong sagot.

"I will pay," mariin niyang sabi na parang na-offend ata. I bit my lip, ngunit
mabilis kong pinakawalan dahil baka masira ang lipstick ko. "I just want you to put
this on me..."

Hindi naman sa judgmental akong tao, pero wala talaga akong tiwala sa kaniya.
Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. This is my territory, I make the rules here.

"Sorry, Sir. Bayaran niyo muna, tapos umalis na kayo dito. Ganoon kasimple.
Napakadaling ilagay niyan," saad ko at tinaasan siya ng kilay. Awang ang kaniyang
bibig nang lingunin niya akong muli. Umiwas siya ng tingin habang umiiling at kagat
ang labi, hindi na muling umimik.

I watched his every move. Raven was sitting near the door. Sinenyasan ko siya na
bantayan iyong lalaki at bumalik na ako sa working table ko.

I was busy adding white paint when I felt someone put his weight on the backrest of
my seat. Kumunot ang noo ko. A familiar scent attacked my nostrils. It sort of
awakened my drunk soul from last night. Teka nga...

"How much is that one?" tanong niya.

Tiningala ko siya. There was an easy smile on his face while he looked at my
current work in process. Nang maramdaman ang tingin ko ay inilipat niya iyon sa
'kin.

His eyelashes casted a shadow on his cheekbones. The sunlight highlighted his
irises, mirroring the color of liquified orange chromium. Tinagilid niya ang
kaniyang ulo. Slowly, an arrogant smirk formed on his crimson lips.

"Drunk lady in black, when are you planning to return my shirt?" pilyo niyang
tanong.

☽☾

Chapter 5

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti03
chapter three

OUR EYES DID not leave each other even for a moment, leaving me vexed. He refused
to break the heated eye contact. Worse, a ghost of a mirth is evident on his
chromium eyes. Nakakairita.

Ako ang unang umiwas. Mayamaya lamang ay naramdaman ko na ang rumaragasang

pagkahiya sa aking kaloob-looban. How the hell did I get my hands on his shirt?
Paano naman napunta sa 'kin iyon? Did I take him home? Imposible! Hindi ako
nagdadala ng tao sa apartment, except for Vivian and, minsan, si Raven.

"So...when?" tanong niya nang tumayo ako mula sa upuan. I looked at Raven and he
raised one of his brows at me, nagtatanong kung ano'ng problema. I sighed.
Pinabayaan kong sumandal ang aking likod sa grills ng malalaking bintana, hindi
alintana ang init ng metal dahil sa araw. He sauntered in front of me, taunting me
with his serious facade yet amused eyes. Mukha na siyang kukuhanin ng puting
liwanag dahil sa hitsura niya 'pag natatamaan ng direktang sikat ng araw.

He's glowing like a god! I can almost see his golden ichor if I had a vision that
can peek through his tissues.

"Bukas, mismo," sagot ko. I wanted to ask how I got his shirt, pero hindi ko
malaman kung paano. Seryoso lamang siyang tumango.

"I'll go here tomorrow, then," aniya. I did not even hide my scowl. Napalingon
tuloy siya sa 'kin. "May problema ba?"

"I don't think I'll be here tomorrow," saad ko. I only go here during my free time
or whenever I feel like it. 'Di kaya ng pasensya ko na makipagbuno sa traffic.

He cocked his head to the side, his tongue swirling inside his mouth as he thinks.
"E...pa'no 'yan?" tanong niya.

There's something about his face that annoys me. Para kasing laging nang-aasar kung
makatingin, kahit na seryoso ang kaniyang aura.
"I don't know," tugon ko. He just nodded and his hand made a dismissive gesture.

"You can have it," aniya at tumalikod, bumalik sa mga art displays ko. Natahimik
ako. Sino ba siya?

Since I can't paint when someone's looking, I decided to just watch his calculated
movements. Miski sa kaniyang kilos ay para siyang pormal na pormal. Mayamaya ay
dinampot niya na rin iyong isa pang watercolor painting na naka-attach sa kahoy. It
seemed like he was comparing the two pieces. Nilingon niya ako. He wasn't speaking,
but I figured out that he wanted me there so I walked towards his direction.

"This also costs five thousand?" tanong niya. Tumango ako. Sinipat niya iyon nang
mabuti. I wonder what he's doing at this place. Pumunta ba siya dito dahil
interesado talaga siya sa mga painting, o alam niyang nandito ako? How does he even
know me?

Naglakad siyang muli. He approached my work table, and placed the two artworks
there. His hand rested on the backrest of the chair, the other was on the desk, his
body slightly leaning on it. His eyes were fixated on the mangled canvas that I was
supposed to fix, as if he's scrutinizing the catastrophic splatters of paint.
Nilingon niya muli ako, and I took that as a cue to walk over there.

"Ito, magkano?" tanong niya.

"Come again?" Kusang tumaas ang kilay ko. I'm sure I looked disgusted.

"Ito, magkano?" ulit niya. His finger carefully touched the corner of the canvas.
Pinasadahan niya iyon ng kaniyang daliri. Sinipat niya ang daliri pagkatapos.

"Not for sale," sagot ko na lang. Napanguso siya at niligon ako.

"Why not?" usisa niya. I sighed. Hindi pa ba obvious?

"I have to fix that mess," paliwanag ko at tinuro iyon. "That's not art; that's
trash," pagdidiin ko. Baliw ba siya? What does he see in that?

"E ito ang gusto ko," pagpupumilit niya. He was pertinacious on buying the ruined
canvas, I can hear that. Hindi ko alam kung bakit.

"E hindi nga binebenta," maldita kong sabi. His forehead creased, his pout slowly
transforming to a thin tight line.

"Ten thousand."

My jaw almost dropped at his offer. Bago pa man ako makaapila ay may tumulak sa
'kin palayo sa lalaki. Vivian grabbed his arm and forcefully shook his hand. What
the hell?

"Sure! Sure! Pagpasensyahan niyo na ang isang 'to, sadyang sarado ang mata sa tunay
na kagandahan," exaggerated na sabi ni Vivian. The guy gave her a small smile.
Kinuha niya ang wallet mula sa bulsa. He threw me a quick glance. Inabot niya ang
isang kumpol ng kulay asul na bills kay Vivian. My best friend squealed and
proceeded to count the money, na para bang batang nabigyan ng candy. Raven stood up
to get some paperbags for packing the artworks. Ako naman ay nakatingin lang sa
kanilang dalawang magkapatid. Mukha talagang pera ang mga 'to!

"Thanks," tipid na sabi ng lalaki pagkatapos i-abot sa kaniya ni Raven ang tatlong
binalot niya sa papel. He even attached a contact card of Lovestreet. Nasapo ko na
lamang ang aking noo. Ten thousand pesos? For that sick 'artwork'? His taste is
twisted.

"Bye, Sir! Ingat sa biyahe!" Vivian enthusiastically bid farewell to the guy.
Pinagbuksan niya pa ito ng pinto. Napansin ko ang pagsulyap niya sa 'kin. My lips
twitched. Hindi ko pa rin maproseso kung bakit, at kung para sa'n. Does he know me?
Is he treating me as a charity case?

Sa paglabas ng lalaki ay agad na binigay sa 'kin ni Vivian ang pera. Pinilit niyang
isara ang kamao ko dahil ayaw ko iyong tanggapin.

"Girl, 'wag tanggihan ang grasya!" aniya at humagalpak ng tawa. Raven only shook
his head while laughing, as well. "At dahil diyan, libre mo kami mamaya!" saad ni
Vivian at pumalakpak. Kinuha ko ang sampung libo at inabot sa kaniya.

"Everything's on me," deklara ko at lalong lumakas ang tawa niya. I just can't see
myself spending that ten thousand for my personal purposes. I don't think I
deserved that money. Bahala na si Vivian doon. Tutal ay siya naman ang tumanggap.

Besides, my father still sends me allowance. Sobra-sobra pa nga sa kailangan, at

halos 'di ko ginagalaw.

We spent our afternoon at the studio. Ako ay naglilinis, habang sila ay inaayos ang
displays. Michael Jackson's The Way You Make Me Feel blasted through my mini
speakers habang ang isip ko ay naglalakabay kung saan. Who is that guy?

"Ravi," tawag ko kay Raven nang pupulutin niya sana ang isa sa mga nakaframe na
portraits.

"Yes, sweetheart?" pabiro niyang sabi.

"Kilala mo ba 'yon?" tanong ko. Nagkibit-balikat lamang siya.

"I think I've seen him at the uni. Tatanungin ko ang kakilala ko. Hindi ako
sigurado.... Bakit?" tanong niya at tinaasan ako ng kilay.

His tone was suggesting something, but I rolled my eyes at him so that he'd dismiss
the thought. He chuckled.

NEON FLUORESCENT STROBElights served as stars in the darkness of the place. Despite
the blurring vision, I let myself have fun in the dancefloor. Naramdaman kong
siniklop ni Ravi ang buhok kong hindi na nakatirintas, his long slender fingers
entangling my cobweb locks. His warm whiskey-tainted breath touched my porcelain
neck as he breathed at that spot. Natatawa kong iniwas ang aking leeg dahil sa
kiliti. He then let go of my hair, and like satin streams, it cascaded down my
sweaty neck. Vivian handed me something. She was chanting for me to drink it, so I
did. The familiar taste of alcohol triggered my tastebuds, bursting to flavors of
flickering flames and unwanted tragedies. Narinig ko ang malakas nilang hiyawan
pagkatapos.

"The queen is claiming her throne!" sigaw ni Vivian, followed by cheers of drunken
strangers. I'm pretty sure we're all just scratched wax figures: hollow, cracked,
empty.

The booming EDM music rang in my head, temporarily silencing my tormenting demons.
Raven's arms wrapped around my fragile frame, both in a sensual and protective
manner. As the world started to spin, I let my head rest on his wide, stone-hard
chest, burying it as if I am ashamed of myself. My eyelids started to droop, as a
familiar picturesque scene flashed in my vision.
My drunk stupor took me somewhere I didn't want to be. My mother's smile,
comforting like cool breeze during cloudy days, her soft angelic voice, lulling me
to peaceful sleep, and her eyes like the everlasting light from the heavens, they
all crashed inside my head like a wild tidal wave. It triggered the storm my heart
was trying to keep and tame inside my broken soul. My tears eventually plummeted on
my cheeks, running through crevices of my skin laced with scars.

Raven and the other people started to jump with beat, unaware that I'm already
melting on my spot, like a candle struggling to stay still. I craned my neck
upwards, sending back the liquified emotional turmoil. My painted lips curved in an
expert manner to a fabricated smile. I've been doing it for years that I could
consider it as a talent. I've lived my life wearing a mask, it became a reflex to
pretend whenever people are around.

Nobody likes to see broken things.

Humiwalay ako kay Raven at nakipagsiksikan sa mga tao. The scent of sweat and
liquor entered my system. Eksperto akong naglakad kahit na nahihilo, hindi alintana
ang mga mata kong kaunti na lang ay sasarado na ata.

I immediately closed the bathroom door as soon as I got in. My eyes immediately
pinned to the mirror. Hindi ko pinansin ang mga naghaharutan sa loob.
Pinakiramdaman ko ang sarili kung masusuka ba ako o hindi at pagkatapos ay umalis
din. I don't want to be in silence. I don't want to feed my monsters. They enjoy
the silence so much, so I would deprive them of it.

They were playing a game when I returned. Raven was looking around, and when he saw
me, he immediately waved his hand. Ngumiti ako at lumapit. I sat beside him on the
red sofa. Vi sat on the opposite side, beside some stranger that I probably haven't
seen in my entire life. Well, Vivian is a social butterfly. It's not a surprise
that she's friends with the entire neighbourhood.

Raven's hearty laugh was directed at my ear. His right arm stretched on the back of
the seat, his hand carefully touching my left shoulder. A random girl who Vivian
knows, probably trapped in her drunk stupor to recognize colors, giggled as a
random guy sucked the lemon on her neck.

I wanted to have fun. I wanted to be happy. However, my thoughts were once again,
haunting me. Drowning myself in expensive alcoholic drinks were not enough. It
barely scratched the skin of the monsters inside my head.

Maybe I really need to let my demons off the leash for tonight. The sadness was too
much; I literally felt it in my chest. The pain was seething through my ribcages,
begging to come out and to be felt.

After gulping a shot, I stood up, again. Raven was already too drunk to notice, and
Vivian was having the time of her life. I didn't want to bother them, so I went out
quietly. I did not even let them notice my shadow moving away.

The turbulent night breeze blew my hair away from my skin. As I walked in the
almost empty parking lot of Spades, I felt the heaviness of it all. I was dizzy,
and my faulty vision started to show duplicating figures, but images of my family
and the picture of my insecurities were all clear inside my head, in high
definition, even.

My legs felt too weak to walk, so I sat on the cold cement floor. My shoulders
shook violently as I listened to my monsters and their agonizing screams of pain.
It's been almost a month since I tried to silence them. Their thirst for freedom
was evident with their evil laughter and roars of terror. My hands covered my
mouth, causing my sobs to sound muffled.

Oftentimes, I would ask myself. Why can't I just be like Emmarie? She's not just a
ray of sunshine, she's the sun itself. Her joy is contagious, like an illness bound
to conquer humanity. She had always been sanguine. She's breathing hope and
positivity. It's no doubt that she's carved from Mom's image. I guess I'm just
lucky enough to look more like my mother.

I felt something heavy on my shoulders. Warmth enveloped my frame as a familiar

strong scent lingered. Pinalis ko ang luhang tila nag-uunahang bumagsak.

"Kung gusto mo lang naman umiyak, sana 'di ka na nag-inom. You can cry without
getting drunk. Liquor just worsens your feelings."

Slowly, I faced him. He was standing beside me, both his hands on his pockets, his
eyes on mine, at bahagyang hinahangin ang buhok. Napaiwas ako ng tingin. Why is he
everywhere? And why is he lecturing me?

Pinilit kong tumayo gamit ang nanghihinang tuhod. I held on tightly to his jacket
when the night breeze blew again.

"Uubusin mo ang damit ko kung lagi kang magpapakita sa 'kin nang lasing," he
blabbered.

"Ibabalik ko sa'yo bukas," saad ko. I felt him look at me.

"Don't worry, I don't mind."

It was brave of myself to meet his eyes. Sa dilim ay seryosong-seryoso iyon

tingnan. It was dark, contradicting to what it looks like under the sun.

"Uuwi ka na," pinal niyang sabi. Hindi ko kinontra ang kaniyang sinabi. A part of
me wants to go home, as well. Alam ko iyon sa sarili ko kaya hindi ko na siya
kinontra, although, I'm worried for Vivian and Raven dahil lasing na masyado ang
dalawa.

"My friends are inside,"saad ko at nilingon ang makulay na neon lights na pumoporma
sa salitang spades, ang pangalan ng bar.

"'Yung akin din," sarkastiko niyang sabi. I scowled at him. He gave me a boyish
smile.

"Joke lang, wala naman akong pake sa kanila. Those assholes can handle themselves.
Your two friends are those I met earlier, right?" tanong niya. Tumango ako. He
fished out his phone from the pocket of his jeans. May tinipa siya roon. Kunot-noo
siya habang nagta-type hanggang sa mayamaya ay umaliwalas na ang kaniyang mukha. He
showed me his screen. A message saying 'okay' was written. Hindi ko nabasa kung
kanino galing at kung ano'ng context non.

"Hinabilin ko na sa mga kaibigan ko. You can trust them," aniya. Pinasadahan niya
ako ng tingin. Wala sa sarili kong binaba ang hem ng bistidang suot. Napaatras ako
nang lumuhod siya, kaya naman tumingala siya at tiningnan ako.

"Remove your shoes. You'll end up falling on the road if you walk with these,"
aniya habang tinatanggal ang strap ng isa. I followed his command like a loyal
servant.

"Why do you even wear these? These are uncomfortable as fuck," mahina niyang bulong
sa hangin. A genuine smile escaped from my lips. Inabot niya sa 'kin ang aking
sapatos.

Mistulang nahulasan ako nang buhatin niya ako mula sa lupa. His movements were too
fast, and he carried me as if I weighed nothing. Otomatikong pumulupot ang aking
braso sa may leeg niya.

"I did not bring my car, so we'll commute. Baka anong oras na tayo makarating sa
sakayan kapag pinaglakad pa kita. I can't have you ride my back, either. Your dress
is too skimpy," seryoso niyang sabi.

In my current position, his scent was more prominent. I shamelessly sniffed his
neck, causing him to stiffen. Natawa ako sa kaniyang reaksyon kaya naman inulit ko
iyon.

"Stop it, Emma..." saway niya. I felt his grip near my thigh tightened a bit. He
let out a harsh breath, the scent of vodka mixing with his perfume.

"It's Eve," pagdidiin ko.

"Emmanuelle Vesper," saad niya. It came out of his lips as if he's used to saying
it, as if he knew me.

"Shut up," iritable kong saad. That earned me a low chuckle from him. Wala sa
sarili kong binugahan ng hininga ang kaniyang leeg. His laugh faded into a low
growl.

"How did you know my name?" tanong ko, sinasadyang patamain ang aking hininga sa
kaniyang leeg na pinipilit niyang iiwas.

"You're quite famous...aren't you?"

Sumimangot ako. I'm not sure about his statement. Positive ba 'yon o negative?
Probably the latter. Naramdaman kong ibinaba niya ako nang makarating kami sa may
kanto.

"I don't let people in my apartment," inaantok kong sabi at hinilig ang ulo sa
kaniyang braso. His arm wrapped around me, his hand tight on my waist, supporting
my weight.

"Okay lang. Sa kanto lang," saad niya. Nang makakita ng sasakyan ay pinara niya
iyon at sinabi ang malapit na address. We sat on the backseat. He was sitting
upright, mistulang pormal na pormal.

Sa kalagitnaan ng biyahe ay tahimik pa rin siya habang nakatanaw sa bintana ng

sasakyan.

"Ikaw din ba ang naghatid sa 'kin kagabi?" tanong ko. That made him shift his gaze
at me. Tipid siyang tumango.

"Why are you doing this?"

Pumalatak siya. "What do you expect me to do? Ignore a drunk girl who probably
can't even walk her way home without getting hit by a car?"

Kumunot ang noo ko sa kaniyang sinabi. I figured he used some references from what
happened last night, na wala naman akong maalala kahit katiting.

"Why me? You're fascinated with broken things, aren't you? You're romanticizing
monsters..." Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko nasabi iyon.

"You really are different when you're drunk," aniya at ngumisi. His index finger
played with his lower lip while his elbow rested on the sill. "You're one hell of a
powerful lady boss when you're sober, though..."

Inirapan ko lamang siya. Kinagat niya ang pang-ibabang labi na mukhang nagpipigil
ng ngiti. Nang makarating kami sa may kanto ay bumaba na kami. Dahil alam ko namang
mapera siya, sigurado akong siya na ang nagbayad. This man spent 20 thousand for my
works! At kaninang umaga lamang iyon! Akala mo ay napupulot lang ang pera. Akala mo
ay wala lang siyang mapaglagyan.

Hinubad ko ang kaniyang jacket at inabot sa kaniya. Nilingon niya lamang iyon at
umiling. From the back pocket of his jeans, he reached for a cigarette stick and a
lighter. Pinanood ko ang usok saglit na sumayaw sa hangin, at unti-unting kumupas.

"You smoke," saad ko. Binalingan niya ako.

"Not really," aniya at umiling. "I rarely smoke..."

Inabot ko na lang sa kaniya ang kaniyang jacket. Umiling siyang muli. "Keep that."

Sumimangot ako. "Tapos rereklamuhan mo ako na nasa akin ang mga damit mo?"

Natawa siya sa aking sinabi. Sa kaniyang bahagyang pagtungo ay sumabay ang kaniyang
bahagyang mahaba at makapal buhok, tinatakpan ang kaniyang mata.

"It's okay. I told you... I don't mind."

Umiling ako at pinilit na kuhanin niya iyon. Of course, I won. He halfheartedly

grabbed his jacket from me.

"You probably won't remember me tomorrow," bulong niya at umiling habang sinusuot
ang kaniyang jacket.

I stared at him. "Maaalala kita. I'm not that drunk," depensa ko. Nilingon niya
ako. A mocking smiled appeared on his lips.

"Sure. Whatever you say."

Bumuga siyang muli ng usok at tinapon ang sigarilyo sa sahig bago inapakan.
Napatingin ako doon. Sayang. Mahaba pa ang stick.

"Take care of yourself. Parang awa mo na."

Tumaas ang aking kilay sa kaniyang sinabi. Why is he so bothered about me? Tauhan
ba 'to na binayaran ng tatay ko? Hah! I doubt he'd spend money for that. Father
thinks I'm a hopeless case.

"Bakit ba? Ano'ng pake mo?" mataray kong tanong. He double tapped my chin with his
index finger, then lifted it a bit. Dahil matangkad siya ay yumuko pa siya nang
bahagya para maglebel ang aming tingin.

"Listen, Emma. I don't leave my friends alone. I only smoke when I'm frustrated. I
don't spend my money out of impulse..."

Napairap ako. Why is he telling me these? Hindi iyon ang kailangan ko!

"Edi ikaw na," sarkastiko kong sabi at tinabig ang kaniyang kamay. Hinuli niya ang
kamay na ginamit ko. His calloused palm enveloped my small hand.

"You see... you make me do bad things, Emmanuelle," nagtangis ang kaniyang panga,
"and I'm fucking scared of what more you can do to me."

☽☾

Chapter 6

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti04
chapter four

"HOY, GASUL!" SITA ni Adira kay Diesel na umagaw ng sigarilyong kakukuha niya pa
lamang. Napanguso ako. Galing pa nga iyon sa 'kin. Napakakuripot talaga ni Addie.
Sa amin ay siya ang pinakamasinop sa pera.

"Ano?" iritableng sabi ni Diesel. Hindi naman talaga Diesel ang pangalan niya, e.
Pinaikli lamang iyon. Mas pangit daw kasi ang Diego Anselmo. Napakamalas talaga
niya sa pangalan.

"Gasul!" pang-iinis ni Addie sa kaniya. Naramdaman ko ang bigat sa aking balikat.

Tumba na si Vivian. Pa'no ba naman, late na raw sila nakauwi kagabi ni Raven. Her
brother's absent. Kahit na ganito si Vi ay perfect attendance siya. 'Yon nga lang,
may iilang cutting records.

Gaya ngayon.

Sinindihan na ni Diesel ang stick at inipit sa bibig. Humarap siya kay Adira at
tinapat ang bibig, sinusubukan kung kukuhanin ang sigarilyo mula dito. Adira's face
scrunched in disgust. Napatawa akong muli.

I watched the smoke from Diesel's cigarette. It faded quickly like dandelion seeds
flowing with the wind.

Isinandal ko ang aking ulo sa pader. Nasa pinakatago at liblib kaming lugar sa uni.
They didn't want to attend their classes. Ako naman ay iritable sa classroom. I
couldn't stand my girl blockmates' dramas. Akala mo e highschool pa. When will they
ever learn? It seemed like they have too much time on their hands for drama. Wala
ba silang iniintindi sa buhay? Tinagilid ko ang aking ulo. Sabagay, most of them
have ideal families. They're living in golden dollhouses and probably the best of
all worlds.

Addie sat on my opposite side. Ginulo niya ang buhok niyang natural na hindi pantay
ang dulo. The left side of her hair was on tiny braids, loose ends tied with neon
Sanrios. Siya lamang ang nakita kong ganiyan ang buhok, literal na hindi pantay ang
dulo at parang bata ang gumupit, ngunit bumagay sa maliit niyang mukha. Her small
pink lips formed a frown while looking at Diesel. The sunlight grazed her porcelain
skin. In-adjust niya ang kaniyang makapal na choker. She also had gold chains
around her neck. She's wearing a plain black boxy shirt, and some two tone ripped
denim jeans, with her fishnet stockings peeking through. Bawal ang ripped jeans sa
uni, but it's not like Adira cares. She looks Korean, except that she's not
sporting the rainbows and unicorns aesthetic. Her style's mostly goth.

Diesel was busy on his phone, enjoying his free cigarette. Kadalasan ay makikita ko
ang kaniyang pagngisi habang tumitipa. Napailing ako. I know where this is going.
"Una na ako, a," saad niya at kumaway. Adira rolled her eyes.

"Ikaw 'tong nagyaya tapos ikaw 'tong unang aalis?" iritableng tanong niya. Diesel
halted on his tracks. Nakapamulsa siyang pumihit para harapin kaming tatlo. He
removed the cigarette from his mouth and went beside Adira. Ginulo nito ang buhok
niya na lalong kinagalit ng isa.

"Tampo na ang Adira ko," aniya at humagalpak ng tawa. Adira stood up from the
fallen tree bark she was sitting on. Tumabi siya sa akin at humalukipkip. Diesel's
lips curved into a mischievous grin. Kinagat niya ang pang-ibabang labi at parang
may sarili silang mundo ni Addie dahil sa tinginan nila. Umiwas ito ng tingin,
hindi na kayang pigilin ang ngiti.

"Wala ka bang sasabihin?" nanunuyang tanong ni Diesel. Naramdaman kong lalong

sumiksik sa 'kin si Addie, kaya naman gumalaw ang balikat ko at naalimpungatan si
Vivian na nakasandal sa 'kin.

"Wala!" maarteng sabi ni Addie. Diesel only nodded then stood up again. Tinanguan
niya ako bago naglakad palayo. I heard Addie's loud cussing.

The wind was warm and the sun was bright. Sinalag ng palad ko ang sinag ng araw,
tumatagos sa pagitan ng aking mga daliri. My left eye closed, as my other one
focused in between my fingers.

Empty cans of beer rolled on the grass as the wind blows. Hindi naman ako uminom.
Vivian only slept here, nakakaantok kasi ang simoy ng hangin. This is why we chose
this spot. It's silent, hidden, and the ambiance is nice; peaceful and calm. Malayo
sa classroom na puro chismisan lang ang maririnig 'pag walang klase.

Adira picked up a half-empty one and gulped it one shot. Basta-basta niya iyong
binato sa sahig. She stood up and her boots stepped on the poor tin can.

"Alis na ba tayo?" aya niya. Pupungas-pungas pa si Vivian at nakatungo, ang ulo'y

nakapatong sa magkadikit na tuhod. Iinom-inom tapos hindi naman pala kaya....

"Ikaw bahala," sagot ko na lang. My thoughts wandered somewhere else. Tinatanong ko

si Vi kanina kung sino ang naghatid sa kanila pauwi ngunit ang sagot niya lang ay
hindi niya maalala. Raven wasn't answering his phone, probably still in his drunk
trance and vodka-filled dreams. They got home safely, and that's what matters.
Tumupad sa usapan iyong lalaki.

Sinindihan ko ang isang stick na kanina pa nagpapahinga sa aking hita. Pinanood ko

ang usok na aking binuga. Unlike my friends, I rarely smoke. Lalo na iyong si
Diesel na ginagawa na atang agahan, tanghalian, at hapunan ang paninigarilyo.
Minsan ay appetizer at dessert pa. Ako ay ngayon na nga lang ata ulit. Wala kasi
akong magawa.

Inabot ko ang aking bag. I brought his polo today. Nagdadalawang isip ako kung
pupunta ako ng studio mamaya. Sayang kasi ang punta ko kung aalis din ako agad
pagkarating niya.

"Ayon! Tatlo!"

Adrenaline kicked in. Pare-parehas kaming nabigla. Parang biglang nawala ang
espiritu ng alak sa kanilang dalawa. Napamura si Vivian at kahit halos matumba na
ay tumakbo pa rin. I was closing my bag with my shaky fingers. Hinablot na ako ni
Adira para makaalis. Natapon ang ilang gamit ko kaya bumitiw ako sa kaniya.
Puta.

On second thought, pwede rin akong hindi tumakbo. I can probably make some alibis.

"Emma!" sita sa akin ni Addie. Sinenyasan ko siyang mauna na. Hesitantly, she
continued running away. Mabilis ang kilos ko sa pagpulot sa mga gamit ko. Useless
ang pagtakbo ko kung may ebidensya rin naman silang mapupulot. Hindi rin naman ako
uminom ng alak.

Narinig ko na ang mabibigat na yabag ng officers. Naaninag ko na rin ang kanilang

mga bulto habang nagpupulot ako. I was about to remove the cigarette on my mouth
when someone crouched in front of me and did it.

Napapikit ako nang mariin bago mag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya. Glaring eyes and
knitted brows greeted me. Nagtangis ang kaniyang panga at umiwas ng tingin. Bakas
na bakas ang galit sa kaniyang ekspresyon at kilos. Ako naman ay natigilan sa
ginagawa. Nang makabawi ay mabilis ko ring pinulot ang mga natitirang gamit. Nang
naunahan niya ako sa isa kong notebook ay 'di ko alam ang gagawin. He was holding
it firmly while looking at me. There was fire in his eyes. I knew he looked serious
most of the time that I was with him, pero iba ngayon.

Nakalahad iyon sa akin. Hindi ko na ulit siya tiningnan. I snatched it from his
hand and didn't bother to run away. May dalawa siyang kasamang uni officers.
Napakahigpit din kasi dito. Sabagay, may kumalat na issue ng nagma-marijuana kaya
ganoon. I can testify that my friends and I are clean. Sadyang nag-cutting lang
kami ngayon.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at tinagpo ang titig niya. I can see his gritting
teeth. Pumikit siya nang mariin. He pinched the bridge of his nose and looked away.

"Nakawala 'yung dalawa..." sabi ng isa niyang kasama at nilingon ako. Tinaasan ko
lamang siya ng kilay. No way in hell I'm going to drop my friends' names.

"Si Adira ata 'yung isa." Otomatikong napalingon ako sa isa pang nagsabi non.
Inayos niya ang kaniyang salamin habang tinatanaw pa rin ang daang tinahak ng mga
kaibigan ko.

"Absent si Addie. Pa'no 'yon magca-cutting?" pagsisinungaling ko. My words flowed

like streams. Walang bahid ng pagka-utal at pinal. My tongue is used to saying lies
and alibis. I did not even feel guilty for lying. Ako ang nahuli, kaya ako dapat
ang magligtas sa kanila.

He gripped my forearm. That forced me to look at him. Pinakita niya sa 'kin ang
stick ng sigarilyo. The other boy went to our spot. Pinulot niya iyong lata at
sinuri. Nalintikan na.

"Why are you sucking this one?" mariin niyang tanong. I looked back at him. Hindi
ko inaasahang isa siya sa mga officers. Small world it is.

Tumaas ang kilay ko. So he really is a prim and proper person. I should've known.
Obvious na pormal siya kumilos noong nakita ko siya.

A thought crept from the back of my head. Napangisi ako.

"Why?" I raised my brow. "What do you want me to suck?" I lowered my gaze on his
crotch, ngunit mabilis na binalik sa mata niya. "You?"

Mistulan siyang napaso dahil sa marahas na paghinga niya at mabilis na pagbitiw sa

'kin. I can run right now, pero hindi na. He knows my name. Mas malala kapag
tumakas pa ako.

That's how he probably knew me...through my bad reputation and tainted records.

"Nag-iinom," saad noong nakasalamin. I continued giving the three of them my

resting bitch face. Malas na lang nila dahil hindi ako ang uminom ng mga 'yon.

"We did not drink. Tambay lang kami. Andiyan na 'yan pagdating namin," dire-diretso
kong sabi. Matalas kong tiningnan iyong isa dahil nahalata ko na hindi siya
maniniwala.

"Ayusin niyo 'yan. Ako na ang magdadala sa kaniya sa office," he said. Tumango
naman ang dalawa. They gave me a glance before picking up our mess. Hindi ko alam
kung saan nila dadalhin.

Hila-hila niya ako patungo kung saan. My limp body only followed his movements.
Tumaas ang kilay ko nang lumagpas kami sa office.

"Oh? Kala ko ba sa office?" nanunuya kong sabi at humalakhak. That made him stop on
his tracks. Nilingon niya ako nang puno pa rin ng galit at kaseryosohan ang mukha.
The corner of my lips slightly rose. Umiling lamang siya at hinigit akong muli.

"Bago na pala ang office ngayon?" saad ko habang nililibot ang tingin sa cafeteria.
Doon kami pumwesto sa pinakadulo, malapit sa malalapad na bintana. I casually sat
on the bench-type chair. Humalumbaba ako at nilingon siyang nakatayo pa rin sa may
gilid ng mesa. I raised left eyebrow at him. His shoulders and broad chest moved as
he heaved a deep sigh.

"Ano'ng gusto mong kainin?"

Hindi ko napigilan ang tumawa. Pinaypayan ko pa ang sarili gamit ang mga palad para
mahimasmasan nang tuluyan. Napatigil ako nang napansin na hindi niya pa rin inaalis
ang titig sa akin. At least he looks less angry now. Maamo na ulit ang kaniyang mga
mata. I pouted and looked away. Sa hindi malaman na dahilan ay parang nahiya ako.

"Thanks, but no thanks. Hindi ako gutom," sabi ko na lang. It's true, though.
Pinalamon na kami ni Adira kanina. Her family owns a bakery downtown, and her
mother's cakes are heavenly. Mahirap tanggihan ang inalok niya kaninang isang box
ng cinnamon doughnuts na sarili nilang recipe.

Tumango-tango lamang siya. He then sat in front of me. I saw his Adam's apple move.
He was just in his plain white button-down and dark denim jeans yet he still looked
so formal. We were silently exchanging glances. Panay ang sulyap niya ngunit hindi
umiimik. I decided to just fix my gaze on the table, ngunit ramdam ko ang walang
hiya niyang paninitig kaya 'di ko napigilang mag-angat ng tingin. Suminghap siya at
mabilis na umiwas.

What? What are we going to do here? Pipilitin niya ba akong sabihin kung sino ang
mga kasama ko kanina?

Nagawi ang tingin ko sa aking bag. Agad kong kinuha doon ang kaniyang polo. I
handed it to him but he just stared at it. Mukhang may pinag-iisipan pa siya nang
malalim bago iyon tanggapin.

"Thanks," he whispered. Pumalatak ako at tumango lamang. Nagawi ang tingin niya sa
aking balikat. Nagdilim muli ang kaniyang paningin.

He slightly stood and fixed the neckline of my shirt. Bahagya akong napaiwas nang
lumapat ang kaniyang mga daliri sa aking balat. Ako na mismo ang nag-ayos non. I'm
wearing an oversized band shirt. It's meant to show some skin on my shoulder area
because of its extremely loose fit. Late akong nagising kaya ito na lang ang
nahagip ko sa aking closet. I forgot that I must wear a tube...kaya iyon. My bra's
strap probably bothered him. Again, he's prim and proper so everything must be in
place.

He sighed. Ginulo niya ang kaniyang buhok bago tumikhim. I sat properly. Ito na
siguro, finally! Iimik na rin siya.

"Why aren't you attending your classes?" tanong niya.

Humalukipkip ako. Somehow, I felt nervous because of his tone. Kinalma ko ang
sarili. This is such a shame for my squad! Bakit ako natatakot?

"Gusto ko lang," pag-amin ko. He bit his lower lip and covered his forehead with
his palm. I could tell that my answer stressed him out.

"Emma, that's not a valid reason," aniya at tiningnan ako nang diretso sa mata.

Something in his eyes lures me in. My creative side was suddenly alive. Hindi ko
namalayan na ang mga daliri kong nakapatong sa lamesa ay kusang gumagalaw, as if I
was illustrating his face. Kinuyom ko iyon para puwersahang itigil.

"I know," arogante kong sagot. Now, both his palms covered his face. Napangisi ako.
Kahit naman siguro ako, maii-stress kung kausap ang tulad ko. That's why I rarely
talk to myself. I might go insane talking to my soul.

"Pwede bang hindi na 'to maulit?" tanong niya. Umayos siya ng upo. I pondered on
his question. Syempre, I don't guarantee that we'll never do this again.

"Don't worry. We won't get caught next time," sagot ko. I was testing his temper.
Napaawang ang kaniyang labi. He let out another sigh.

"God.... Ang kulit mo. You're stressing me out," aniya at sinandal ang sarili sa
upuan. He craned his neck upwards, giving me a clearer view of his figure. Mabilis
kong iniwas ang tingin sa kaniyang katawan nang umayos muli siya ng upo.

"I know," I said and gave him a grin. Akala ko ay lalo siyang magagalit ngunit
ngumiti siya at umiling. Ang bilis naman magbago ng mood nito.

"Why did you choose to be like this?" marahan niyang tanong. I flinched when his
fingers made their way to my resting knuckles. He was caressing it gently. His
fingers moved like ballerinas against my skin. Binawi ko ang aking kamao at nilagay
na lamang sa aking hita. What's that for?

"Be what?" Nagtiim bagang ako. I know what he's talking about, though, but I wanted
to hear it from him.

Pariwara, rebelde, at kung anu-ano pa. Those words aren't new to me, and I was sure
that's what his statement is implying. Lagi niya akong nakikita tuwing may ginagawa
akong kabalastugan. He saw me got drunk twice. Now, he saw me cut classes. It's not
rocket science to figure out that he has a bad first impression of me.

"Like that...." His answer was vague. I gritted my teeth. Kahit na hindi ito ang
unang beses na makarinig ako ng ganitong panghuhusga, ay hindi pa rin talaga ako
immune. My emotions are strong, probably stronger than my will. Mabuti na lamang at
matatag ang aking isip. Nabaliw na siguro ako kung hahayaan ko ang emosyon kong
diktahan ako.
"Bad."

"What?"

"Why did I choose to be a bad person?" saad ko at tinagpo ang kaniyang mata.

"I treat alcohol like it's water. You caught me cutting classes. You probably know
me because of my bad reputation, my guidance records.... I don't know what else.
Chismis? Word of mouth from your colleagues? I know what's running inside that head
of yours. That I'm a bad person. That I'm taking what I have for granted," dire-
diretso kong sabi. Umiwas ako ng tingin. This scene felt familiar. Something that I
want to forget, but I just couldn't. Para bang inukit na sa kaluluwa ko ang
matatalim na salitang natamo ko noon.

And now, I'm scarred.

I'm scarred for life.

His eyes softened. "Wala akong sinabing ganiyan ka," mahinahon niyang sabi.

I scowled. "Magpaplastikan pa ba tayo dito?"

"I asked you that question because...I wanted to know how you think of yourself."

Natigilan ako sa kaniyang sinabi. I pursed my lips and I swear, my knuckles almost
turned white. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng mararamdaman sa kaniyang sinabi.

"Emmanuelle, why do you see yourself like that?" Namaos ang kaniyang boses.

I harshly stood up from my seat. I don't like where this is going. Nararamdaman ko
na ang pag-iinit ng aking pisngi at pamamasa ng aking mata. I don't want him to see
me breakdown again. I don't want him to see how broken I am. I don't want anyone to
see how messed up my life is.

Mabilis niyang hinuli ang aking palapulsuhan. Nanakit lamang ang aking balat nang
tinangka kong tumakas dahil sobrang higpit noon.

"Come on.... I'll help you," saad niya sa mahinang boses.

"Help me? What?" Nabasag ang aking boses. What does he fucking mean by that? At
sino ba siya? Bakit ako ang pinagdidiskitahan niya?

"You're way better than what you think," dugtong niya. I let out a humorless
chuckle. Nanikip ang aking dibdib. Mabilis akong kumurap-kurap para mapigilan ang
luhang nagbabadyang lumabas.

I need to fucking get out of here.

"Emma," namamaos niyang tawag. "It breaks my heart that you think so badly of
yourself."

Bumigat ang aking paghinga. Hinaklit ko ang aking braso.

"Bitiwan mo," mariin kong sabi. He only shook his head in disapproval.

"Not until you consider me as a friend," seryoso niyang sabi.

Tila umurong ang luha ko. Kumunot ang aking noo at tiningnan kung nagbibiro ba
siya. He was dead serious. Unti-unti akong natawa. What's wrong with this guy?
"What the hell?" nanghihina kong tanong. He licked his lower lip and raised both of
his brows, waiting for a response. Tinagilid ko ang aking ulo. Ano bang saltik ang
meron siya?

"I'm not really the type of person whom you should be friends with. You're gonna be
fucked up in the process—"

Napatigil ako sa pagsasalita nang maramdamang muli ang kaniyang kamay sa aking
balikat. Madilim ang tingin niya roon habang muling inaayos ang neckline ng aking
maluwag na t-shirt.

"I told you...I don't mind," aniya at pinakawalan ang aking braso.

☽☾

Chapter 7

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti05
chapter five

ADONIS YEOHAN REVILLANES. That's his name.

Raven knew it from his colleagues. 'Yon pala ay kilala siya sa kanilang batch. He's
two years older than me, taking Engineering. He's a star student. He's also the
teachers' favorite, and he's damn packed. The Revillanes are known for their
construction companies. They manufacture raw materials as well.

Raven did all the work of giving me the information. Kaya naman, kinumbinsi niya
akong ilibre siya. That's how we ended up here at Feline's. Ito ang usual na
tambayan ng mga galing uni ngunit halfday kami ngayon kaya hindi namin kasabay ang
ibang students.

Wala naman akong reklamo sa panlilibre sa kanilang apat. Yes, all five of us are
gathered here. Ang ginastos ko ay ang sampung libo galing kay Adonis. Kahit ilang
beses ko silang ilibre ay matatagalan pa bago iyon maubos. We just ordered milk
teas and burgers. Baka isang buwan pa naming pang-milk tea at burger itong sampung
libo ni Adonis.

His name suits him. As I said before, he looked like a Greek god descendant. I'm
sure he's also the apple of the eye of most of the female population. He's blessed
with genes sent by the heavens. Hindi na nakakapagtaka na maraming maghahabol sa
kaniya. He's the complete package, walang tapon, kumbaga. Who would dare to ask for
more, right?

"His friends call him Ayeon," saad ni Raven habang ngumunguya.

Kumunot ang aking noo. I raised my brow. "Like ion? In Science?"

Tumango siya. Should I also call him that? Adonis is mouthful.

But...we're not friends, are we?

Diesel and Adira were fighting over something again. Kaunti lamang ang tao sa
Feline's kaya hindi na namin sila sinasaway. There are three girls on the far
corner, occupying a circular table. Tapos, ang grupo naman namin ang malapit lang
sa entrada, sa tabi ng glass walls. We occupied a wide rectangular wooden table na
paminsan-minsa'y hinahampas ni Addie kapag naiinis na siyang kausap si Diesel. Wala
lamang iyon sa amin. Hindi na kami nagugulat. Mas magugulat pa kami kapag hindi na
sila nag-aaway. Sanay na kaming tatlo nila Vi at Raven na lagi silang ganiyan.

Adira was the last person to be added on my social circle. Tahimik lang siya noon
at halos hindi umimik sa klase. She kind of isolated herself during the first day.
She's always left out in group activities as well, but I saw the fury in her eyes,
and that made me curious. Iyong palihim niyang pang-iirap sa mga maaarte naming
kaklase, the way that she's always muttering something to herself when the class is
in chaos, pati ang porma niya na halos parehas ng akin. Sometimes, we would throw
each other some awkward glances. At that moment, I knew we would click ngunit hindi
ako ang nag-approach sa kaniya. Nagulat ako nang isang hapon ay nasa labas ng room
namin si Diesel. Turns out, he was waiting for Adira. Ayaw pa nga sumama ni Adira
sa kaniya noon para sa lunch. That's how I ended up asking her, instead. Pumayag
siya sa 'kin pero kay Diesel ay hindi. Since then, we became friends. I asked
Diesel how he met Adira, ngunit nagkibit-balikat lamang siya noon at ngumiti.
Hanggang ngayon ay misteryo iyon sa 'kin.

"Sino naman 'yon, Emma? Nagugustuhan mo?" tanong ni Vivian at sumimangot. Nahimigan
ko na ang tampo at disappointment sa kaniyang boses. Gusto niya talagang si Raven
ang shotain ko.

Alam naming dalawa ni Raven na wala kaming patutunguhan. We're just happy with each
other, and that's notenough to keep a stable relationship going. Our relationship
is purely platonic. Kahit alam namin na minsan-minsan ay naglalandian kami,
hanggang doon na lamang iyon. I trust Raven. He wouldn't do anything that I do not
like, anything that I refuse to let him do to me. Ganiyan lang sila ni Diesel,
ngunit parehas silang may respeto sa babae.

"No.... I think his friends helped you two to get home the other night,"sagot ko.
Vivian's face suddenly turned sour. Nakasimangot siyang tumango at hindi na muling
umimik. Sumabay sa kaniyang paggalaw ang kaniyang hoop earrings.

I listened to Diesel and Adira's bickering while the shop's song was playing on the
background. Tahimik na kumakain ang magkapatid na busy pa sa kanilang phone. Vivian
was frowning. Si Raven naman ay nakangisi. He's probably looking for a hook-up and
successfully found one.

Tumayo ako mula sa aming kinauupuan at lumipat sa may gitnang lamesa habang
nililibot ang tingin. Feline's interior is very minimal and neat. Naglalaro lamang
sa cream, brown, at white ang kanilang color scheme. Their decorations are mostly
hanged in the ceiling. There's a neat cork-board on the right wall, may iilang
notes na nakadikit mula sa iba't ibang customers. The furniture were all made of
dark wood. May iilang wooden embellishments ang naka-attach sa malinis na mga
pader.

Inilabas ko ang aking maliit na sketchpad. Parang gusto ko biglang magshift sa

Architecture, or Interior Designing. Ngunit ayaw ko namang maraming masabi sa akin
ang tatay ko.

I was carefully illustrating the geometric figures and intricate wooden swirls on
the walls when I heard the door chimes. Otomatikong tinapunan ko iyon ng tingin.

My brows furrowed. What is he doing here?

Why is he suddenly everywhere?

Diretso ang tingin niya sa babaeng kasama niya. Kumikinang ang mata ng babae habang
nililibot ang tingin sa paligid. Her long chestnut hair was in a neat braid. I can
tell she has make-up on, but very minimal. She reminds me of my sister. Nang alam
kong tatama na ang kaniyang mata sa akin ay mabilis kong nilihis ang aking tingin.

I am pretty sure that they're going to see me, so I'll just pretend that I didn't
see them. Tinuon ko ang aking pokus sa sketchpad. Hindi ako nag-aangat ng tingin
kaya naman pinulido ko muna ang shading. Delikadong igala ang aking paningin dahil
baka mamaya ay makita pa nilang nakatingin ako sa kanila.

From my peripheral vision, I saw her stand. Nang lagpasan niya ako ay halos tumigil
ako sa paghinga. Dahil malapit ako sa counter ay naririnig ko ang kaniyang boses—
mellow and sweet, mahina, mahinhin—something that I'm not.

It has become a habit of mine to compare myself to anything pretty and beautiful,
kahit na alam kong ma-didisappoint lamang ako. Maybe, I like slapping myself with
the harsh reality. Mas mabuti na iyon kaysa naman sa hindi ka aware sa realidad.

Hindi sinasadyang umangat ang aking tingin. Adonis was darkly staring at me. Split
seconds lang ata iyong pagkahagip ko sa kaniyang mga mata ngunit may epekto na sa
akin. The way he stares at me was intense. Hindi ko alam kung para saan dahil hindi
na ulit ako nag-angat ng tingin. Pakiramdam ko nga'y magkaka-stiff neck ako sa
ginagawa ko. Bahala na.

Itinakip ko ang sketchpad sa aking line of vision. Bahagya akong sumilip sa gilid
at nakita ang babaeng nakangiti ang mata habang kinakausap si Adonis at
nilalantakan ang kaniyang cake slice. God, she's beautiful. Mukha siyang artista na
bagay sa mga bidang role na inaapi ng kapatid niya. She looks like an innocent
kitten. Lipstick at polbo lang ata ang nilagay niya sa kaniyang mukha! Minsan
talaga, unfair ang mundo, 'no?

I flipped my sketchpad to the next page. Pasimple ko siyang sinusulyapan at

ginuhit. Her baby blue dress fitted her perfectly. She looked like a mannequin,
even! A breathing doll!

Mahirap ang aking posisyon dahil nakaangat ang sketchpad at nangangalay na ang
aking kamay na hawakan ito. Kapag naman binaba ko, baka mamaya ay si Adonis na
naman ang una kong makita. Suddenly, I was afraid to meet his stares. Para bang may
nagawa akong masama sa kaniya at na-guguilty ako. But then again, hindi ko natiis.
Bahagya kong inisod ang sketch pad sa kabilang side. He was talking to her, ang
buong atensyon ay nasa babaeng nasa tapat niya. They looked picturesque, magazine-
worthy, even. Kahit simple lamang silang nag-uusap ay parang nag-momodel na sila sa
isang photoshoot.

Kusang tumaas ang aking kilay nang makitang may kinuha ang babae mula sa kaniyang
handbag. Bahagyang nanlaki ang mata ni Adonis at tinanggap ang itim na box na may
pulang ribbon.

What's that? A gift? Or maybe, she's one of his admirers. Base sa sinabi sa 'kin ni
Raven ay 'di na maipagkakailang marami-rami ang naghahabol sa lalaking 'to. He'a a
golden child! Maswerte 'tong babaeng 'to. Baka siya ang mapalad na napili ni
Adonis. Sabagay, mukha namang may taste rin itong si Adonis. It looks like their
families will jive in harmony. Their surnames match perfectly.

Nararapat sila sa isa't isa.

Good for them, then.

I was too busy looking at them that I didn't notice that they were looking at me,
too. Napabalik ako sa wisyo at bumalik sa pagdo-drawing. Pasimple akong nag-angat
muli ng tingin. Adonis was mouthing something while looking at my direction.
Sinulyapan ako ng babaeng kasama niya. What? They're talking about me?

Parang naka-bass boost ang puso ko sa bilis at lakas ng kabog nito nang tumayo si
Adonis. He's looking at me! He'll go here! I'm sure of it! Bago pa man niya
marating ang aking pwesto ay tumayo na ako para bumalik sa table namin nina Raven.
Kunwari na lang ay clueless ako na pupunta siya roon. Nang nakaupo sa tabi ni
Vivian ay inabala ko muna ang sarili sa binili ni Diesel.

They were all talking about an event three days from now that they didn't mind my
sudden reappearance. 'Tsaka ko lamang siya nilingon. Nagtangis ang kaniyang panga
at diretso akong tiningnan. Galit ang tanging naaninag ko sa kaniyang mga mata.
Tinaasan ko lamang siya ng kilay. He sighed and rested his palm on the backrest of
the chair that I just sat on. O 'di ba? Pa'no na lamang kung hindi ako umalis doon?

Nagsukatan kami ng tingin. He seemed offended by my action. Nilipat ko ang tingin

doon sa babae na mukhang hinahagilap din ako.

I only walked away from him a week ago. Hinintay kong bawiin niya ang kaniyang
sinabi ngunit wala.

"ALAM MO...PWEDENG'wag ako?" saad ko. Kumunot ang kaniyang noo.

"What are you talking about?" mababa niyang sabi. Nasapo ko ang aking noo. This is
frustrating! Mas mahirap pa ata talagang ipaliwanag ang mga bagay na obvious na ang
sagot. Obvious na nga kasi, 'di ba? Dapat 'di na pinapaliwanag!

"I appreciate it. Hindi mo ako sinumbong. Thanks...." panimula ko. "You can't be
friends with someone like me. Nasa taas ka na. Don't drag yourself to hell."

Napapikit siya nang mariin. Hindi ata talaga siya magpapatalo. Bago pa siya
makapagsalita ay dinagdagan ko na ang aking sasabihin. Hinasa ko ang aking dila at
ang sasabihin para matiyak na parang punyal iyong tatarak sa kaniyang isip.

"No, I will never be friends with you," I said with finality.

And so I left him there. Dumiretso na ako sa classroom dahil mahirap na baka mahuli
pa ako noong dalawa niyang kasama. I don't want to cause him more trouble. Ayaw
kong dumami ang utang na loob ko sa kaniya.

HE WENT BACK to his seat. Dahil yata sa pagsunod ko sa bawat galaw niya ay napansin
ni Diesel na siya ang tinitingnan ko. Habang nakikipagsagutan kay Addie ay
tumalikod siya nang bahagya para makita kung sino iyong tinitingan ko.

"Siya 'yon, 'di ba?" tanong ni Diesel at nilingon ako. Napatigil din tuloy si Addie
at nilingon si Adonis. Raven leaned on the glass door and also threw them a glance.
Si Vivian ay sumilip din.

I massaged my temples. Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko.

"Who's the girl?" tanong ni Adira at nilingon ako. Nagkibit-balikat lamang ako. How
the hell would I know?

Umiling lamang din si Vivian. She's the social butterfly. Sa aming lima, malamang
siya ang may mas malaking posibilidad na kilala iyong babae. I looked at Raven.
Patay-malisya lamang siya at mukhang walang pakialam. Hindi niya yata na-gets ang
ibig sabihin ng tingin ko. Mabuti na lang at binatukan siya ni Addie.

"Kilala mo?" tanong nito. Raven only squinted his eyes. It's either he's examining
her features, trying to remember if he knows her...or he's just silently checking
her out.

"Tanong ko ulit sa source ko,"simple nitong sabi at tumipa sa cellphone.

"Baka girlfriend?" mahinang bulong ni Diesel. Hindi ako makaimik. Tiningnan ko

iyong sketch ko sa kanila. It looked like a scene from a romance movie.

Picture perfect.

Buwisit.

"Baka nga," gatong ni Raven. Adira placed her phone on the table. Nakita kong
hinahanap niya ito sa mga social media accounts. Siya ang pinakamagaling mag-stalk
sa internet.

"Negative," aniya at sinarado ang Facebook app, "I can't search her."

"She reminds me of someone," ani Diesel at walang hiyang pumihit para mas makita
sila nang maayos. The moment I laid my gaze towards their direction, I saw Adonis'
fuming eyes. What? Is he mad that I rejected him a week ago?

"Oh, she reminds me of your sister," mahinang bulong ni Diesel, na parang may
sudden realization. Mabilis kong iniwas ang aking tingin.

Of course, that was the first thing I noticed. Sa kilos, pananamit, at pananalita,
parang kalkulado, pormal at sobrang hinhin. I think she's a star student, too. I
bet Emmarie and that girl would be best friends, kung magkakilala lamang sila, and
they would be the most powerful duo in the uni. Crush na ng bayan, favorite pa ng
teachers. Gifted, anak ng Diyos.

Adonis surely has taste. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit pinipilit niya ang sarili
sa social circle kong magulo. We're not special.

Vivian leaned her head on my shoulders. Mukhang may pinag-iisipan siya. I mentally
sighed. Vivian is observant, and Adonis is shameless. Sigurado akong napansin na ni
Vivian ang mga nangyayari.

"But why does he keep on looking here, kung girlfriend niya 'yon?" tanong niya na
nagpatigil sa tatlong busy sa kani-kanilang gawain.

Diesel snickered. Si Adira naman ay napaawang ang bibig at nilingon ako. Raven only
raised his brow. I ignored their questioning stares. I have no time for this kind
of drama, and I have no time for him. There is no space for him in my life. My
mind's already crowded. 'Wag na siyang dumagdag.

"Let's spice things up, shall we?" saad ni Diesel at nginisian ako. Sinimangutan ko
siya. Diesel has his own wicked ways. Hindi ko gusto ang tono niya. May pinaplano
na naman itong masama, sigurado ako.

Nilingon niya si Ravi. Raven only groaned and shook his head. Si Adira naman ay
pumapalakpak. Mukhang ako lang ang hindi naka-gets sa sinabi ni Diesel.

"Then I'll do it?" tanong ni Diesel kay Raven. Tumango lamang si Raven at
sinenyasan itong lumayas na. Diesel looked at me. Natawa siya.

"Hindi niya na-gets," saad nito at tinuro ako. Vivian only shook her head.

"Tara, Em," saad ni Diesel at tumayo. Hindi ko alam kung saan niya ako dadalhin
kaya naman hindi ako tumayo. Vivian pushed me out of our table. Kunot-noo ko silang
tiningnan. Mabilis na umakbay sa 'kin si Diesel.

"Bibili lang tayo," aniya. "Grabe, judge-rka, ha!"

"Hindi katiwa-tiwala 'yang mukha mo," tugon ko at lalo siyang natawa. Dumiretso
kami sa counter, hindi niya pa rin inaalis ang pagkakaakbay sa 'kin. Diesel has
always been this clingy, but he knows his limits. Isa pa, he's like a brother, so
this is nothing.

Nakatayo lamang kami sa may counter habang nililibot niya ang kaniyang tingin sa
menu sa taas. Bahagya kaming malayo sa mismong orderan kaya naman hindi kami harang
sa kung sinong gusto nang bumili.

I felt his hand slid down my back, until it reached my waist. Kinabig niya ako
palapit. Tumaas ang kilay ko. I threw him a sideglance.

"Makisabay ka na lang," sabi niya habang nililibot pa rin ang tingin at parang
nagpapatay-malisya.

He leaned and I felt his breath on my neck. Salamat sa aking genes at wedge boots,
hindi nagkakalayo ang aming height ni Diesel.

"Tingin ka do'n sa may taas...kanan," utos niya na sinunod ko. I craned my neck
towards that direction, hence, giving him more access to my neck.

What the hell is he doing?

He reached for my right hand and put it in his shirt. "Kapit," utos niya at
bahagyang natawa. I did exactly what he asked me to do. "Higpitan mo."

"Three...two," mahina niyang bulong malapit sa 'king leeg. I figured that we look
weird right now, lalo na kapag mula sa likod ang titingin. My long hair's covering
his face, blocking the view of the people from the back. We look something way
beyond rated PG.

Nakarinig kami ng isang tikhim. Diesel let out a low chuckle and immediately put an
annoyingly arrogant face. Nilingon niya ang nasa likod namin. I slowly turned only
to see Adonis shooting him daggers.

"Nakaharang sa daan," supladong sabi nito, hindi inaalis ang tingin kay Diesel.

"Pare, doon ka dumaan, o," aniya at tinuro ang bakanteng daan para sa pila ng
orders.

Nagtangis ang kaniyang panga. Nanlilisik ang kaniyang mga mata kay Diesel. Umiwas
ito saglit ng tingin at umiling. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kaniyang kamaong mahigpit
na nakasara. The veins on his arms and hands protruded. His knuckles almost turned
white.

"Ayeon," a soft voice tried to penetrate the wall of tension between the two.

She looked more angelic up close! Her heart shaped face looks very innocent.
Ngayong malapit siya sa akin ay naramdaman ko lalo ang aming pagkakaiba.

Maamo ang mata niya at hinawakan sa braso si Adonis na masama pa rin ang tingin kay
Diesel. Diesel had this look on his face. Iyong parang patay-malisya na nakakaasar.
Kahit ako ay nabubuwisit sa mukha niya, tinitingnan ko pa lamang. His aura is just
plain annoying and arrogant.
"Oh, girlfriend mo...." saad ni Diesel at nginuso iyong babae. Kinabig niya na
naman ako palapit.

Adonis didn't bother speaking. Parang sinasaulo niya ang pagmumukha ni Diesel. He
didn't bother correcting Diesel's statement. So, girlfriend niya nga 'yan?

"Ito naman, girlfriend ko," saad ni Diesel at inilapat ang braso sa aking balikat.

Adonis scowled. Mukhang walang magawa iyong babae para pakalmahin ang isang 'to.
Diesel looked like he's enjoying. Of course! Ito pa bang isang 'to! Demonyo rin
'to, e. He enjoys making people feel annoyed! That's his talent.

"Walang nagtatanong," aniya at pumihit patalikod, dire-diretso ang lakad papunta sa

entrada. The girl looked at us and bowed slightly, before chasing after him.

"Share ko lang!" sigaw ni Diesel bago pa man makalabas si Adonis. The moment the
two of them left, nagpakawala na ng malakas na tawa si Diesel at binitiwan ako.

Nang humupa ay saka kami bumili. He looked at me while I sat down on my seat. Ang
magkapatid at si Adira ay panay ang kwentuhan sa nangyari kanina. Tuwang-tuwa na
parang ewan.

"Iba ang kamandag...." bulong ni Raven.

"Gusto mo ba 'yon, Em?"tanong ni Diesel. Mabilis akong umiling. No way.

"Hmm. Siguraduhin mo," makahulugan niyang dagdag at hinagilap ang aking tingin.

Inirapan ko lamang siya at siya naman ay lalong natawa. Adonis is way above me.
He's out of my league. We're completely different worlds. It's either he would burn
trying to pull me up, or he would burn as he falls with me. Walang magandang
kalalabasan. I would probably cause his downfall. I would only leave him scarred.
He would just bleed if he would be with me. It's not worth it.

Isa pa, I don't think he's into me. He just wants to be friends anyway. Friends.
Kaibigan. Iyon lang. Hindi ko malaman kung bakit ganoon siya ka-persistent.

I pushed those thoughts away before they start conquering my rationality. Why was I
even thinking about that? I shouldn't bother too much. Hindi naman mangyayari ang
pinagsasasabi nilang apat.

But then again, fate is one big bitch, and karma is an even greater one, I am a
sinner chased by those two. It's two versus one.

I knew I would lose and some time later, I would embrace defeat.

And I did.

☽☾

Chapter 8

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti06
chapter six
I GULPED MY remaining coffee in one shot. The scent of vanilla lingered, but the
warmth was already gone. Malamig na ang mga palad ko dahil wala ng ligamgam ang
tasa.

I've been staring at the vast, empty sky for quite some time now. I miraculously
woke up too early. Naunahan ko pa nga ang aking alarm sa phone. It's just half past
four in the morning, and I don't have any idea on what to do.

The sky still seemed too dark. The purplish tint is still visible to the naked eye.
The pale blue hue gave a feeling of sadness and loneliness. There were no stars in
sight. The sun was barely there. The plants near the windowsill were bathed in
morning dew. The atmosphere was pale, dull, yet pleasing and calm.

Para lamang akong nagbabakasyon at walang klase mamaya. I wanted to go back to

sleep, but I doubt that I would be able to since I already drank my second cup of
coffee this morning. Hindi naman ako nagkakaroon ng health complications dahil sa
ganitong habit. Aside from alcohol, I also treat coffee like it's water. Well, it's
better to drink coffee than have cigarettes when bored.

Pinunasan ko ang mantsa sa maliit na cabinet kung saan nakapatong ang aking
pinagkapehan. I rested my chin on the wooden surface and stared at the sky. Nag-
aagaw na ang kulay kahel at lila. The pale blue hue was gradually turning brighter
and clearer. The sunrise sky was a seamless and calm transition of beautiful
colors, that's why I liked it more. Sunsets often depicted harsher and saturated
hues. Personally, sunrises look more dreamy.

I let out a yawn. Kung matutulog ako ay lalo lamang akong male-late. Sayang ang
tuition na binabayad ko kung hindi ko susulitin. Education is supposed to be a
right and not a privilege. Ngunit sa panahon ngayon, mahirap nang i-claim ang
statement na 'to. I am privileged enough to have the resources to study at such
prestigious and known school. Kaya naman kahit na hindi ako ang ideal na
estudyante, sinisikap ko pa ring pumasok, kahit na nang-aakit ang aking kama at ang
marahang paghaplos ng hangin.

The reflection I saw in the mirror disgusted me. I pulled out the small chair and
sat on it, staring at my own broken image. Napangiwi ako sa aking nakita. It's
definitely an eyesore. My round eyes were puffy, almost swollen, and looked kind of
red. I pushed my hair back and observed my face more. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin
itong takpan ng concealer o anoman.

This scene felt familiar. This isn't new to me. Last night, I said to myself that I
wouldn't cry, yet I failed. There was nothing remarkable in school, and I wasn't
that stressed out. However, all it took was a set of pictures to make me flicker. I
knew it was a bad decision to check out my social media accounts.

The moment I saw Emmarie's photos, I wouldn't deny that envy was all I felt. Kung
hindi galing sa formal party ang larawan niya, sa mamahaling restaurant naman o
kaya ay sa streets ng New York. We're twins but we don't exactly look so much
alike. She looks more like father. Maswerte lang talaga ako na mas kamukha ko si
Mama. My Mom was the prettiest woman I've seen in my entire life. She's a natural
beauty. It saddens me that I cannot give justice to the charm I've inherited from
her.

Emmarie looks more than fine! Her happiness radiated from the phone screen. She
stopped leaving messages nor calling me. Noong una ay hindi ko pinansin. It was
actually a relief. Sa wakas, natigil na rin ang mga panahong maririndi lamang ako
sa tawag niya. Later on, though, I felt alone. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang
nakain ko kagabi at parang iba ang timpla ko. Pumasok sa isipan ko na maaaring
tuluyan na silang nawalan ng pakialam, that they don't care about me being alone
here, that I'm only a relative by surname and not by heart, that finally, they got
too tired of dealing with me. They finally realized how much of a burden I am.
Iniisip ko kung hinihintay na lamang ni Dad na grumaduate ako, at pagkatapos ay
bahala na ako sa aking sarili. Well, I make money with art, but with all honesty, I
don't think I can survive with just that. I need more.

Binato ko na lamang ang aking phone sa kama. I have no energy to be mad about
anything, nor be pissed. Napabuntong-hininga na lamang ako nang narinig ang alarm.
I should get ready for school.

If only I was like Emmarie, will the society treat me differently? I guess so. Sino
ba'ng aayaw sa kapatid kong 'yon? It's a mystery that she isstill notengaged yet
nor have a boyfriend. Baka naman marami siyang manliligaw na hindi lang pumapasa sa
standards ng aking ama. That man is strict, and very meticulous. Good luck na
lamang sa lalaking magtatangka kay Emmarie. Nano-sized yata ang butas ng karayom na
papasukin ng kung sinoman iyon.

My cheeks puffed as I sucked in my breath, staring at my widely opened wooden

closet. Maybe...I can try to be someone else—be different. Things may turn the
other way around.

Nilingon ko ang aking mga pantalon at hinawi. There lies my few formal and semi-
formal dresses that I rarely wear. Dinampot ko iyong isa. Itinapat ko iyon sa
salamin. The red cloth is too fierce for school. Masyadong agaw pansin. This may
cause a scene, or unwanted attention.

The blue one had shimmers, and I don't think I can wear that to school. I heaved a
sigh. Ang hirap pala. On normal days, I would've worn some jeans and a band shirt,
or a fitted skirt and some cropped sweater.

I ended up with a white dress just below the knees. It had short sleeves and
slightly hugged the waist part. Simple and demure. It was feminine and classic.
It's something someone else would like, but not me. I don't want to wear this.

Pinagmasdan ko ang sarili sa salamin. This will do, right? Ngayon lang naman. Kahit
isang araw lang. I have to try and be better. Maybe that way...things will finally
fall into place.

I let my hair down. Its natural waves cascaded like streams on my back. I picked up
a silver hairpin and tucked the right part of my hair behind my ear. Inalis ko sa
aking paningin ang sandamakmak na ear cuffs sa aking tokador. I didn't dare look at
my rings of various sizes and designs. Mate-tempt lamang ako.

Hindi ko natiis ang silver chain bracelet. Simple lang naman iyon kaya tingin ko'y
ayos lang. I wore my sun medallion instead of a classic black choker. Hindi na ako
naghikaw dahil walang babagay sa kung anomang meron ako.

Sinipat ko ang relos. Late na 'ko pero, nawalan na rin ako ng pake. I might as well
just attend my second class. Napagtuunan ko na ng pansin ang hitsura ko ngayon. The
concealer did the job of making my eyes look brighter, but I know deep inside that
they still looked dull and lifeless, iyon naman ang totoo. I just put on a swipe of
mauve lipstick to cover my pale pink lips. Pagkatapos ay wala na. No colorful
eyeshadows. No striking highlights.

I felt...different. Bare. Naked. I don't feel like this is me at all. Labag sa loob
kong kinuha ang nag-iisa kong doll shoes na puti. Iyon ang tanging naiiba sa rack
ko ng boots at wedge shoes.
I left the apartment by almost eight o' clock. I felt like a dead man walking.
Sometimes, days like this one would come. I feel empty, hollow, and cracked. Kung
pwede lang magkaroon ng pause button sa life, matagal ko nang pinindot. We're
humans. We naturally get tired. And sometimes, existing is exhausting, and living
is a burden. Ganoon naman talaga. Hinahayaan ko lang ang sarili ko. It's unhealthy
to fake things. Hindi ko kakayanin. Baka mabaliw na ako.

I'm thankful for my friends who understand my state of mind. It's already tiring to
deal with the voices inside my head, kaya naman hindi na nila ginagatungan. That's
something I'm grateful of having. My friends are there to prove that there's still
something good in my life.

Nakarating na ako sa may sakayan papuntang uni. Isang tricycle na lamang at nandoon
na ako, pasok na pasok pa sa second subject, ngunit ayaw ko. Ayaw kong pumasok.
Hindi ako tinatamad. Gusto kong mag-aral at matuto pero ayaw kong pumasok.... What
would people say if they see me like this?

I suddenly felt a wave of frustration rushing over me. Kani-kanina lamang ay sobra
kong pinag-isipan ang isusuot, to avoid their stares, their lingering judgments,
the infinite resonance of their words. But then again, if I'll think more
throughly, baka lalo lang nila akong mapansin. I look different. They might say
that I'm trying too hard. Worse, comparisons may arise. Ayaw ko talaga ng ganoon.

I just don't feel like doing anything today. My insides felt hollow. I feel tired,
kahit na wala pa akong ginagawa. Sadness does not stop in a snap of a finger.
Loneliness does not stop at command. Scars do not heal overnight. Wounds do not
fade by a matter of hours. The emptiness doesn't go away with a push of a button.
Maybe I just didn't notice it, but my mind is bothered with everything.

Pumara ako ng tricycle at nagpababa sa pinakamalapit na mall. Maybe watching people

walk will ease this heavy feeling. I quickly sent Vivian a message saying that I'm
sick. She immediately flooded me with her texts kaya naman nilagay ko muna sa Do
not Disturb mode ang phone ko.

THE SCENT OF freshly brewed coffee welcomed me. Ang lamig ay nanuot sa aking balat
dahil hindi gaanong kakapal ang aking suot. Kape na naman, but it's okay. I'd
rather be here than in a bar this early...I guess.

Inilabas ko ang aking sketchpad. There was calming lo-fi music, and the atmosphere
was light despite the dark wooden furniture and low lighting. Pagkatapos kong
balahan ang aking mech pen ay hinayaan kong gumala ang aking mata.

Through the glass walls, faces of strangers could be seen—their raw expressions,
the realest emotions buried deep in their eyes, hidden in their souls. Kaunti
lamang ang tao dahil maaga pa at weekday ngayon. There are still some people who
are sauntering in the mall perimeters, prenteng naglalakad na parang walang
pinoproblema. Ang iba'y nagmamadali at may bigat ang bawat hakbang.

Bahagyang lumikha ng ingay ang pagkayod ng graphite sa magaspang na papel. My

strokes were messy, unruly, and some were smudged because of my slightly sweating
palm. Napagdiskitahan ko iyong lalaking nasa may counter. He's always smiling
whenever a customer's in front of him. I wonder if his smiles are genuine, or just
a part of a certain standard protocol.

At around half past nine, I finished a freehand portrait of him. He looked foreign.
His features were soft like cream, his hair was messy like the sheets after
sleeping. Bahagyang singkitin ang kaniyang mga mata. His lips were pouty and a
neutral shade of red. Sayang at wala akong dalang pangkulay. He's a nice model.
Kahit na malikot siya ay kitang-kita ko ang features ng kaniyang mukha. Mistulang
nare-retain iyon sa isip ko. He looked beyond angelic. Kaya siguro pabalik-balik
'yong iba sa counter.

I stood and fixed my things. I ripped the page where I drew his portrait. I simply
wrote emmanuelle vespernear the ear area and the date. I don't really have anything
to say to him, so I left the back part blank. Tumayo na ako at pumunta sa counter.

He immediately flashed me his soft smile. Lalong naninigkit ang kaniyang mga mata.
"Good morning, Ma'am—"

I ignored his greeting and formalities and just placed my drawing on the counter.
Napaawang ang kaniyang labi habang tinitingnan iyon ngunit hindi pa rin dinadampot.

"Don't wory, it's free," tipid kong sabi bago tumalikod at lumabas ng coffee shop.

I was walking without direction. Sa kalalakad ko ay unti-unting nalagas ang pera

ko. I bought tons of sweaters of different colors and patterns, but mostly
oversized. The miniskirts were also tempting as well as the plaid tennis skirts.
Nalagas nang tuluyan ang pera ko nang bumili ako ng itim na lace up boots at iilang
piraso ng mom jeans.

Ang dami kong bitbit na paperbags! I ended up looking for a pushcart from the
grocery to put all of them! Somehow, I felt kind of light. Nakakagaan ng pakiramdam
ang pansamantalang pagkadistract. Maybe I really needed this. The metime.

"Yes, Vi?" bungad ko sa kaniyang tawag. Maingay sa background, marahil ay nasa

cafeteria sila at kasagsagan ng awas ngayon.

"You're sick?" Nahimigan ko ang pag-aalala sa kaniyang boses. Narinig ko pa ang

pananaway ni Raven kay Diesel na mukhang may sinisigaw na kung ano.

"Hm. I'm fine," tipid kong sagot. I stood outside National Book Store. Hindi
pwedeng hindi ako dadaan dito kada pupunta ako ng mall. It's either I buy a book,
an art material, or a new sketchbook.

"Punta ako mamaya?"

"I can manage, Vi," agap ko. 'Tsaka, hindi ko alam kung anong oras ako uuwi. I
might stay outside a little more.

"Sure?"

Napangiti ako. Vivian's loud and wild, but very sweet and caring at the same time.

"Oo. May pupuntahan pa ako. Bye na," saad ko at pinatay ang tawag. Alam kong
mangungulit pa siya kaya pinatay ko ang aking phone. Sanay na naman sila na
ginaganoon ko sila.

Iniwan ko muna ang aking cart sa labas at
went inside and scanned the new releases.
thriller one. Hindi ako pwedeng masyadong
akong halos oras magbasa. I still have to
umakyat na ako sa second floor.
sinabihan na lamang ang guard. I happily
I only picked one classic book and a new
gumastos sa libro dahil wala rin naman
check out the arts section kaya naman

I immediately picked up a bottle of clear resin and two Escoda bushes, and a tube
of Payne's grey acryclic. Mahaba ang pila sa taas kaya naman bumaba ako.

I was busy reading the gist of the book I have in hand when I felt someone staring
at me. Inangat ko ang aking tingin at sinalubong ako ng isang matamis na ngiti.
Her chestnut hair was in a neat high ponytail. She looked more feminine and soft
with her peach halter dress. Parang nanuyo ang aking lalamunan. She's not even
trying hard to be pretty! Ganito kanatural at kasimple!

"Here...."

Napaawang ang aking labi. In his dark denim jeans and plain black button-down
shirt, Adonis appeared. Kunot pa ang noo niya at sinusuri ang librong dala. That
made the girl avert her gaze. Tinanggap niya iyong libro. She muttered something so
low I wasn't able to hear that made Adonis turn his gaze at me. Umiwas ako ng
tingin. Bakit ba pakalat-kalat ang isang 'to?

Hindi ako mapakali sa pila dahil ramdam ko ang tingin niya. He was just standing
near the stack of books, but his presence demanded attention. Heck, he was
shameless. Talagang pinanonood niya ang bawat kibot ko na akala mo'y under
observation ako. Nakailang buntong-hininga na yata ako.

The lady in front of me threw me a glance before walking out of the bookstore.
Nakahinga na ako nang maluwag dahil ibig sabihin non ay aalis na sila ni Adonis.
Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit may kaba sa loob ko kapag malapit sila. I don't
know.... Ang weird.

I gave the cashier a small smile after receiving my change. But then, my smile
immediately faded when I saw Adonis right in front of me. With both his hands in
his front pockets, he stood proud.

Tangina.

Nagmamadali akong pumunta sa aking cart at nilagay doon ang aking pinamili. Kahit
may kabigatan ay binilisan ko ang pagtulak dito.

"Emmanuelle!" I heard him called, his baritone voice catching attention.

Kunwari ay wala akong narinig. Why does he keep on bothering me? For fuck's sake,
ang kulit-kulit niya! Isa pa, nasaan iyong girlfriend niya? Baka mamaya ay iba ang
isipin!

He tried gripping my arm, but I walked as fast as I could. Kung wala lang akong
cart na tulak-tulak ay baka hindi na niya ako nakita dito sa mall. But with the
small number of people here, at sa bigat ng cart ko, imposibleng makawala ako sa
paningin niya kahit ano pang bilis ko.

"Oh, my god!" I screamed. He hissed and touched the part of his torso that I hit.
Tangina! Hinarangan niya 'yung cart ko! That automatically made me stop! Sa bilis
ng lakad ko ay siguradong masakit iyon!

"What the hell?!" sigaw ko sa kaniya. Tumingala siya habang sapo ang tagiliran at
nakapikit nang mariin. My palm cupped my forehead. Naramdaman ko ang literal na
pag-iinit ng ulo ko. Why is he so stubborn?! At bakit ba ako ang pinepeste nito?

"There.... You finally stopped running away from me," simple niyang sabi at nagawa
pang ngumiti. I closed my eyes shut as I controlled my temper. Inirapan ko lamang
siya.

"What do you need?" tanong ko. He sighed. Lumayo ako nang biglaan siyang lumapit sa
aking pwesto.

"Oo na.... Hindi na ako pumasok," saad ko na kaagad. Baka naman iyon lang ang
sasabihin nito. Even outside the uni, may duties pa rin ang officers lalo na kapag
class hours. Pero, hindi ba't absent din ito dahil nandito siya ngayon?

He chuckled at my comment. "No, I'm not going to ask about that. Are you okay?" he
lazily said, yet he was careful with his words. His eyes were searching for mine,
trying to lock our gazes, but I expertly avoided.

"Of course," singhal ko. Hindi naman kami close nito para alamin niya.

"Hm. You look different."

Kumabog ang aking puso sa kaniyang sinabi. My heartbeat went erratic for some
unknown reason. I forced a sigh and bit my lip, not sure on what to say. I couldn't
think of any snarky remarks nor comebacks. Wala. Blangko ang utak ko. Parang
tumigil ata sa paggana! He did not even gave me a compliment; why am I
overreacting?

Naalala ko tuloy iyong babae kanina. Kung ikukumpara ako sa kaniya, walang-wala
ako. She's the soft pink tulips of a bouquet and I'm merely a baby's breath. Her
aura was light and calming. She emitted such angelic glow! Ewan ko ba kung paano
iyon.

Tinulak ko na lamang ang aking cart dahil hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. Narinig ko
muli ang kaniyang pagtawag. I wasn't walking fast so he was able to catch up with
me. I was near the exit when I couldn't let my cart to pass the sort of high hump
near the entryway. Napapalatak ako. Ang bigat kasi kaya ayaw umahon!

"Let me...." Adonis didn't wait for my response of approval. He took over the
handle, his large hands almost touching my trembling ones. Almost. There's still
space in between. Maingat siya sa kaniyang kilos na parang sinadyang ilapit ngunit
hindi idikit iyon. Like asymptotes.

Yeah. He has a girlfriend. How lucky of her. Swerte sila sa isa't isa. I hope they
last.

Nang makalabas ang cart ay kusa na siyang bumitiw. I don't exactly know how to
gather all the paper bags, pero kinuha ko lahat. It was a struggle! Hindi ako
humingi ng tulong sa kaniya. He was just standing, as stiff as a statue. Ni hindi
ko na siya nilingon. I treated him like he's wind—invisible, yet felt.

"I have my car with me. Ihahatid na kita," aniya habang naghihintay ako sa may
tawiran sa kabilang dako para mag-abang ng masasakyan. Agad akong umiling.

"'Yong girlfriend mo, iiwan mo?" tanong ko, diretso pa rin ang tingin.

"Who?"

"Girlfriend mo,"pagdiriin ko. I threw him a sideglance. He lazily smirked and shook
his head.

"Hindi 'yan."

I only gave him a weird look. Anong 'hindi 'yan'? My god! Sana naman ay hindi ito
ang negative trait ni Adonis. I hope he's not a douche. Automatic na invalidated na
lahat ng positive points niya kung sakali. I hate guys who cheat.

"Siya ang ihatid mo. Hindi pa rin naman ako uuwi," malamig kong sabi.

I have my principles. Wala akong balak manira ng relasyon. I know when to stop. I
know what can push through. I don't have time for cheating games. My reputation is
already bad; I don't want to add fuel to the fire. Isa pa, I know my worth. I'm not
that cheap.

"Hindi ko siya girlfriend. Her name's Selene; she's my cousin." I heard the
amusement in his voice.

I don't know if I should believe him or what. Pwede ngang pinsan niya iyon. Pwedeng
hindi. Pero bakit siya magsisinungaling? Para saan, 'di ba?

"Sabi mo e," saad ko na lang. He let out a low chuckle.

"You don't believe me?" parang bata niyang sabi. Nanatiling tikom ang aking bibig.
Nililingon ko ang mga paskil ng sasakyan bago tumawid. Hassle kasi kung tatawid ako
agad at wala ring masasakyan.

"I told you, ihahatid na nga kita," aniya.

"Siya na lang—"

"E ikaw nga ang gusto ko—"

My eyebrow automatically shot up. I threw him a cold stare.

"—gusto kong ihatid," he said, finishing his sentence. He inhaled and bit his lip
hard. Namula iyon nang pakawalan niya.

"Hindi ko siya girlfriend. Kung sakali man, why are you so bothered if she's my
girlfriend? You shouldn't ponder on it too much. Ikaw ang tinatanong ko. Stop
thinking about the other girls. Sa sagot at kapakanan mo ako may pakialam. So, just
answer, Emmanuelle...."

Nagsukatan kami ng tingin. His face was hopeful, mixed with an expression I
couldn't name. His sharp brown eyes were searching for answers, begging. His
breathing was slightly heavy as I observed by the movement of his chest and
shoulders. His lips were parted as he anticipated for my reply. All his focus was
on me, waiting and expecting something.

"Okay, pero hindi ako uuwi," pagsuko ko. Slowly, his lips turned into a grin. I
think he took that as a cue to let himself help me with the paper bags. Iniiwas ko
sa kaniya noong una, but the moment he accidentally touched my hand, I let go of
the paper bags as if I was hurt with his touch and was burned.

I was only left with two bags. Pumasok pa kami ng mall ulit dahil sa kabilang exit
ang parking lot. He placed all the bags on the backseat, opened the shotgun door
for me before turning to the driver's seat. Tipid ang kilos ko. I didn't know why I
felt the need to restrict myself from talking and moving.

"Saan ka?" tanong niya. Nahimigan ko ang sigla sa kaniyang boses.

"Spades," simple kong sagot. Bahagya ko siyang tiningnan. His brows furrowed.

"Maaga pa," kumento niya. Napangisi ako. So he really is Mr. Nice Guy, huh?

"Bukas na iyon. Twenty-four hours 'yon," I said as if I was lecturing him. Hindi
niya alam 'yon? That means he rarely goes there. Otomatiko siyang napasimangot. His
frown sometimes turns into a pout. Papalit-palit. Even with the disapproval on his
face, he didn't say a word.
I thought he was just going to drop me off, ngunit sumama na rin siya. Kakaunti
lamang ang tao dahil maaga pa nga at weekday pa. The strobe lights were not in use.
Ang naglalakihang bilog na puting ilaw lamang ang gamit. There was no loud trap
music. Simpleng mainstream songs lamang ang tumutugtog. Spades felt different. Para
itong tao na nag-iiba pagdating ng gabi.

"Jack," saad ko kay Adonis. Nagtiim bagang siya.

"Get something lighter," mariin niyang sabi. Nagkibit-balikat ako. Hindi ko feel na
mautusan ngayon kung ako ang gagawin. This is my metime. Sabit nga lang siya, e.

He ended up following my orders. Panay lamang ang buntong-hininga niya kada lalagok
ako. Hindi na siya nagreklamong muli. I guess he figured out that he couldn't tell
me what to do.

Escaping.That's what I am fond of. Who would want to stay at such a cruel world
like this one? Lahat tayo ay gustong makalimot. Lahat tayo ay merong gustong
kalimutan. Kahit isang segundo lamang 'yan na tumatak at bumangas sa kaluluwa mo.

I let my head rest on the table. Hinawi ko ang buhok na dumidikit sa aking mukha. I
felt someone push my hair backwards. My drowsy eyes met Adonis' sharp pair.

"What's bothering you? What's wrong?" tanong niya. His fingers found their way to
my closed knuckles, caressing it in a very soothing manner.

"Tired," simple kong sagot. I didn't feel any of my tears coming. Wala na ata akong
iiiyak. Ubos na. Sagad na. Pagod na lang talaga ang natitira. The negative emotions
are still there, though. There's more to it than sadness. Ang hirap lang hagilapin
ng mga eksaktong salita. My words can't give justice to my most genuine emotions.

"Why aren't you with your friends?" marahan niyang tanong, patuloy na hinahaplos
ang aking buhok paalis sa aking noo. His other hand was busy caressing my knuckle.
His careful touches made me sleepy.

"May sarili silang problema. I didn't want to add burden...."

Tuluyan akong pumikit. His voice was deep and manly; his dulcet tone rang like
lullabies in my head. Lumipat ang kaniyang isang kamay sa aking pisngi. The back of
his hand felt smooth against my cheek. Marahan ang kaniyang haplos, na tila
kaunting diin sa aking balat ay magagalusan ako.

"I'm sure they don't mind. They're your friends after all...."

Tumango ako habang nakapikit. Mapait akong ngumiti. "How are you so sure? Ni hindi
mo sila kilala."

I knowthey don't mind. I know they care. Ayaw ko lang talagang dumagdag sa isipin
nila. I will never doubt their love for me. They are my family.

Bahagya siyang natawa at natigil sa ginagawa. Napasimangot ako. I wanted him to

continue what he was doing—the touches and gentle caresses. His hands were as light
as a feather. Weird, but I find it very comforting.

Parang dininig niya ang aking mga hinaing sa isipan. He continued what he's doing,
slowly sending my last thread of consciousness somewhere else. "Pero ako, Emma,
sigurado ako. You're not a burden to me, and I'm sure that you'll never be. Please
remember that."

☽☾
Chapter 9

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti07
chapter seven

I WAS CLOSE to seeing soft moonlight beaming through a window of a dark lonely
room, dust dancing in the air, quietly floating, illuminated by the refracted glow
from the queen of the night. Warm, thick linen sheets against fragile skin,
enveloping my soft flesh, sending the coldness of my bones away and far from here.
The wind was careful, making the sheer white curtains dance with the lulling music
it gives.

A gentle tap on my right cheek pulled me out of my dreamy trance. Phosphenes

hindered my sight from clearly seeing this man in front of me—a paradox—a mixture
of tragedies, searing heartaches, salvation, and cure. Cherry lips curved into a
small, reassuring smile. For a moment, I was confused. Did I fall asleep or not? I
felt like a great amount of heavy sadness was lifted from my insides.

I groaned when I was finally able to lift my back and sit properly. Ang tingin ni
Adonis ay diretso sa akin, hindi umaalis. Sinadya ko tuloy ikalat ang mahaba kong
buhok sa aking mukha para takluban ito. The way he stares was too intense. Ni hindi
ko alam kung ano'ng hitsura ko ngayon.

Despite the pressure from his stares, I grabbed the nearest bottle and drank it
empty. Naririnig ko ang kaniyang pagpalatak ngunit wala na akong pakialam. Tuluyan
nang sumayaw ang mga bagay sa paligid. My mind started to wander somewhere else.
Alcohol fuelled the desire to see further, dig deeper, and face my inner demons.

Maybe this is karma getting back at me for a being a bad friend, sister, daughter,
and person. If only I followed orders—if only I didn't let my spirit be free and
gone running wild, things would have been different by now. Father and I could have
had a nice relationship. Emmarie and I could have stayed the best of friends.
Tinitingala rin sana ako ng karamihan. Inspirasyon. Modelo. The society could have
accepted me more if it wasn't for my stubbornness that lead me to where I am right
now—alone in the dark, light raindrops starting to feel too heavy to carry, so I
let myself fall to the ground. Judging stares lingering for a while, strict tones
of harsh words, loud screams of hate resonating inside my head. This is the
downfall I deserve. All I can do is accept. There is no other choice for me,
anyway.

If only I didn't run away from the proposed arrangement, I could have had a nicer
life by now. Pero para saan nga ba ang pagsisising ito kung wala namang mangyayari?
Para saan ang pag-iyak kung wala namang makikinig? Hindi ba't nagsasayang lamang
din ako ng panahon? Ng emosyon?

"Emma, you're drunk. Tama na," saway niya sa 'kin at pinilit hablutin ang boteng
mahigpit kong kinakapitan na akala mo'y nakasalalay doon ang aking pagkasalba.

I remember everything, from the smallest details to how everything ended in a snap.
The delicate flowers scattered all over the place, the subtle lighting, the sweet
atmosphere—they remain vivid in my head. Ang bistida kong humahalik sa marmol na
sahig ay unti-unting napalitan ng basang lupa dahil sa pagtakbo paalis sa lugar na
iyon. Hindi ako lumilingon sa likuran—determinado at wala nang balak bumalik.

MALAKAS ANG DAGUNDONGng pagtawag sa akin ng aking ama habang patuloy ako sa
pagtakbo. Takot ang mga guwardiya na harangin ako dahil sa tinago kong patalim sa
magarbong bistida. Emmarie was caught by the handmaidens so she wouldn't leave and
chase after me.

Narinig ko ang yabag ng pagsunod ng lalaking aking tinatakbuhan. Saglit akong

napatigil sa pagtakbo upang hubarin ang putikang mamahaling sapatos at ibato sa
kaniya. No, I won't marry him. I don't like him. I don't like what he did, and I
cannot break my sister's heart. Bakit hindi na lang si Emmarie ang ikasal sa
kaniya? Gayong siya itong matagal nang may gusto sa lalaking 'to? Bakit ako?

Father say that I lack potential to compete with the world—that my art is mediocre,
and I cannot make use of it to raise our flags. Emmarie was the child of Science
and Mathematics, and that she would be of better use in the future. He only sees me
as someone he can use to sell to other families. Na wala akong patutunguhan kung
hindi ako kakapit sa mayamang lalaki. Na sa pagtanda ko, isa lamang akong may bahay
na mananatili sa tahanan at dadalhin lamang ng asawa sa mga pagtitipon bilang
display, an added texture, a mere embellishment, something to add glimmer to my
husband's striking light. Father looked at me as the fucking stupid stereotype for
women—that I'm only meant to do house chores while I wait for my husband to arrive,
that I am not allowed to work because my skills are not business-inclined, that my
only purpose as I grow old as a woman is to serve my husband that they chose for
me.

And goddamn, my free spirit didn't want that.

Tuluyan akong napalingon sa may likuran nang makita ang aking ina. Drenched in
rainwater, she was running after me, but I sensed no danger. Para bang hindi niya
ako hinabol para ibalik sa event na tinakasan ko.

Tuluyan akong napatigil sa gitna ng madilim ng kalsada. My breathing was heavy as I

watched my mother run on the mud. A loud noise from a truck made me avert my gaze.
And as the blinding light came closer, my heartbeat went wild. Isang malakas na
pagtulak sa 'kin ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagpagulong-gulong sa kabilang panig ng
kalsada, sa masukal na putikan at mayayabong na puno. Gumuhit ang sakit sa aking
balat sa pagtama sa matatalas na damo at mga kahoy. My head hit something hard. I
was not sure what it was, but it sent my consciousness away. Slowly, my eyes
fluttered. Gradually, the coldness of the dismal dark road felt like nothingness.

NARAMDAMAN KO ANG init sa aking leeg. Inis kong tinanggal ang kung anomang malambot
at makapal ang tumataklob sa 'kin. Kumunot ang aking noo nang maramdaman ang
pamilyar na lambot ng kama at ang amoy ng aking kumot. Otomatikong bumukas ang
aking mata nang mabilis, bahagyang sumakit ang ulo sa biglaang pag-upo.

Nanlamig ako nang makitang isang malaking t-shirt lamang ang aking suot. I still
have my undergarments in tack, though, thankfully. Agad akong umayos ng upo at
nasapo ang sentido sa biglaang pagkirot noon. Una kong sinipat ang aking cellphone.
Alas cuatro na ng hapon at baha ang messages ko ng texts ni Vivian. Ninais niyang
pumunta rito dahil hindi raw siya mapakali. She probably thinks I'm going to die
today because of my state of mind. Isang tugon ng pagpayag lang ang sinend ko bago
tumayo.

Pinasadahan ko ng aking daliri ang buhok. I can't recall how I got home safely.
Inalala kong muli ang mga ginawa ko ngayong araw. I went to the mall...and then
probably to Spades dahil amoy alak ako. Iyon lamang. Malabo at hindi eksakto.
Magsasayang lamang ako ng oras kung pilit ko iyong aalalahanin.

Bahagyang nahihilo man ay tumayo na ako. My throat felt rough and dry. Gusto ko ng
tubig.

"What the hell...." Napaawang ang aking bibig. Seryoso niya akong nilingon bago
patayin ang stove at isalin ang sinangag sa plato na nakahanda na sa lamesa. Nakita
ko ang bukas na lata ng luncheon meat at egg shells sa may lababo.

How the hell did he get inside my apartment?!

"So you're awake," simple niyang sabi at nilapag ang pinaglutuan sa lababo bago
naghugas ng kamay. Basa ang kaniyang buhok at kita ang bakas ng pagtulo mula sa
dulo nito sa kaniyang gray na t-shirt. Nalaglag ang aking panga nang makita ang
light pink kong tuwalya na nakasabit sa kaniyang leeg.

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo dito?!" tanong ko at agad siyang umatras nang bahagya dahil sa
aking ambang pagsugod. Tinaas niya ang dalawang kamay.

"I took you here. Lasing na lasing ka na kanina," sagot niya, diretso ang tingin sa
akin na parang pinararamdam na hindi siya nagsisinungaling.

"I was...with you?" Tinagilid ko ang aking ulo. Sumama ako sa kaniya? How come?
We're not even friends!

"Yes," tugon niya at nagtangis ang kaniyang panga.

He removed my light pink towel from his neck. Napapitlag ako nang hapitin niya ako
palapit at ibalot iyon sa aking bewang.

"Go wear some shorts," malamig niyang sabi bago ako iisod sa balikat at nagpatuloy
sa lababo, hinuhugasan ang pinaglutuan. Napapikit na lamang ako. I should really be
mindful of the happenings when I'm drunk.

Nagmamadali akong bumalik sa kwarto at dali-dali ring nagsuot ng itim na denim

shorts. Ngayon ko lamang din napansin na iba ang amoy ng plain blue t-shirt na suot
ko.

Fuck. This isn't mine and I am very much aware whose shirt this is. Siya lang ang
kilala kong ganito ang amoy.

Nagmamadali ko iyong hinubad at nagpalit ako kaagad ng pambahay na t-shirt. Itinupi

ko iyon nang maayos at lumabas, only to find Adonis putting water in two glasses.
His intense gaze shifted to me.

"Kumain ka muna," aniya. Umiling ako at lumapit. I am still determined to know why
the hell he's here...and he used my shower gel? Naligo siya rito? Naamoy ko kaagad
ang shea butter sa kaniya, kahalo ng kaniyang mamahaling pabango.

"What the hell are you doing here?" tanong kong muli. Iniiwas ko ang tingin sa
pagkain dahil naramdaman ko ang pagkalam ng aking sikmura.

"Inihatid nga kita—"

"E bakit nandito ka pa?" pagsusuplada ko. Nagtangis ang kaniyang panga at nakita ko
ang pagkuyom ng kaniyang kamao.

"Can we just eat first?" malumanay niyang tanong. Doon ko lamang napansin ang pagod
sa kaniyang mata na otomatikong naghatid ng awa sa akin. Nilingon ko ang
nakatatakam na pagkain at umupo nang hindi na siya nilingong muli.

We were silent as we eat. Hindi ako nag-aangat ng tingin habang siya ay

nararamdaman ko ang maya't mayang pagtigil niya upang tingnan lamang ako.

"Ako na," mariin kong sabi pagkatapos kumain. He sighed and let go of his used
plate. Inilagay ko lamang iyon sa lababo at pinadaluyan ng tubig.

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo pa dito?" tanong ko. "Wala ka bang pasok?"

He ruffled his hair, eyes fixed on the table. "Absent ako. Ala una pa ang pasok
ko," sagot niya. Sinipat ko ang wall clock. It's already half past four!

"Anong oras mo ako hinatid?" tanong ko at naupo muli sa kaniyang tapat. Mukha
kaming nasa interrogation room.

"Around twelve...." sagot niya at nilingon ako. Nang mapansin siguro ang pagtaas ng
aking kilay ay mabilis siyang umiwas at napanguso.

"E ano pang ginagawa mo dito?"

"You...didn't let go of me so...."

Kinagat niya ang pang-ibabang labi. Naramdaman ko agad ang pag-akyat ng dugo sa
aking pisngi. What the hell?!

"Ano?" hirap kong sabi, parang kapos sa hininga. He just smiled bitterly and
shrugged.

"You don't remember," malamig niyang sabi at napasimangot.

"Ano nga?" pag-ulit ko. Nilingon niya ako at wala nang bahid ng pagod sa kaniyang
tingin. There was only mockery, taunting, and darkness. He looked like he was
planning something bad and sinister. Unti-unting gumapang ang ngisi sa kaniyang
labi na tila nanghahamon.

"You vomited on my shirt and yours. I had no choice but to make you wear my shirt.
I had to take a bath and luckily, I had some spare clothes in my car. I was about
to leave you here, Emmanuelle. Ikakandado ko na sana ang pinto pero hinabol mo 'ko.
Do you want me to explain in detail how you grasped my shirt and begged for me to
stay?"

Nanlamig ako sa kaniyang sinabi. Putangina. Ni hindi ko alam kung nagbibiro ba siya
para pag-trip-an ako o ano. Based on his look right now, I can tell he's not
joking! Ngunit bakit ko naman gagawin 'yon, 'di ba?

"What else?" matapang kong hamon. He only shook his head and a genuine smile came
out of his lips.

"You wouldn't want to know."

Nagsukatan kami ng tingin, walang bumibitiw, walang umiiwas, parehas ayaw

magpatalo. He ended up being the first one to look away, ears gradually turning
red.

"Emma, bakit ba ayaw mo sa 'kin?"

Nanlaki ang aking mata sa biglaan niyang pagtatanong. He raised both his brows,
waiting for an answer. Nagkibit-balikat ako. It's not like I don't like him as a
person, it's just that I don't want him to be associatedwith me. Nahihimigan ko na
ang mga sasabihin ng ibang tao. And who knows? Baka nga bad influence pa ako sa
kaniya. I don't want to pull him down with me.

"Are we friends now?" Maliit ang boses niya sa pagtatanong.

Napapalatak ako, hindi pa rin makuha ang kaniyang agenda. Hindi ako umimik o
kumibo. Napabuntong-hininga lamang siya sa paghihintay niya sa wala.

"Your father does not think of you that way anymore. Trust me."

Simple lamang ang kaniyang sinabi ngunit labis na nagimbal ang aking kaloob-looban.
Naramdaman ko ang bahagyang panginginig ng aking labi sa pagkabigla. Hinagip niya
ang aking kamay na nagpapahinga sa lamesa. Agad ko iyong hinigit ngunit hinigpitan
niya lalo ang kapit doon.

"H-How did you know?" Nangatal ang aking boses. Naramdaman ko ang bahagya niyang
pagpisil sa aking mga palad, ang bahagyang gaspang ng kaniya'y kumikiskis sa akin.

I was never an open person. Matagal bago nalaman nina Vivian ang tungkol sa
nangyari. Napapikit ako nang mariin nang may napagtanto. I did tell him.
Imposibleng malaman niya iyon sa mga kaibigan ko. Iyong bagay na kay tagal kong
isinikreto sa mga kaibigan ko, nalaman lang ni Adonis dahil sa kalasingan ko. There
is no point in regretting now. He already knows. All I can do is trust him that
he'll keep it a secret.

"Keep it to yourself, please...." I begged. He nodded, his honey eyes melting into
softness.

"Take my friendship, Emmanuelle. You can tell me more...."

I let myself be vulnerable. I let myself win against my argument with myself. Maybe
I am just overthinking. Or maybe there's something that I fear from this
friendship. I don't know what that is, but I set it aside.

I nodded and with one last tight grip of his hand, he let go. Marahan siyang
ngumiti at tumayo bago ginulo ang aking buhok.

"Ako na ang magliligpit. Maligo ka muna," aniya at dumiretso sa lababo na akala

mo'y lagi na niya iyong ginagawa, na parang sanay.

For some unknown reason, I felt like something heavy was lifted off my shoulders.
Seryoso lamang si Adonis na naghuhugas ng pinggan. Isang huling tingin sa kaniya ay
pumasok na ako sa kwarto para maligo.

Maayos ang pagkakapwesto ng aking mga gamit doon, na akala mo'y walang gumamit na
iba. Napangiwi ako nang makita sa isang baldeng tubig ang bistidang suot ko kanina,
ngunit may sabon na ang balde na mukhang paunang nabanlawan na. Good thing I don't
leave washed clothes here. Nakita pa iyon ni Adonis kung nagkataon. And also, how
kind of him to wash my dress. Swerte talaga ng girlfriend nito sa kaniya kung
nagkataon.

Nagsha-shampoo ako ng buhok nang makarinig ako ng tunog ng makina ng sasakyan mula
sa labas. Agad akong napatigil. Nang napagtanto kung sino iyon dahil sa ingay ng
bangayan nina Diesel at Adira ay nagmamadali akong nag-banlaw.

May kumatok sa pinto ng banyo. "Emmanuelle? Your friends are outside." Tinig iyon
ni Adonis.

Bigla na lamang akong nag-panic. What the hell will come to their minds if they see
Adonis at my place?! Lalo na si Vivian! Ma-issue pa naman iyon at baka kulitin ako
nang kulitin, at baka pag-trip-an na naman ako ni Diesel! Mabuti pa si Addie at
Raven, tahimik lang!

"Papasukin mo!" bulyaw ko, nakikipaglaban ang boses sa malakas na ragasa ng tubig
sa gripo. Nang makarinig ng pagsarado ng pinto ng aking kwarto ay dali-dali akong
nagtuyo at nagtapis para lumabas. Mabilis akong nagbihis at binalot ang buhok sa
tuwalyang bago. Ngayon lang pumasok sa isip ko na ginamit ni Adonis iyong kulay
light pink ko!

Biglaan na lamang tumahimik kaya naman ako'y lalong nataranta. I'm sure they're all
gaping at Adonis right now. Lumabas ako ng kwarto at tama nga ang hinala ko. Kunot
ang noo ni Raven habang si Adira ay nakaawang ang labi. Si Vivian ay labis ang
panlalaki ng mata na mukhang gulat na gulat. Si Diesel lamang ang mukhang hindi
nabigla dahil seryoso lamang ang kaniyang mata ngunit nakangisi ang labi.

Agad akong lumapit at sa akin natuon ang kanilang atensyon. Umisod nang bahagya si
Adonis dahil itinulak ko nang bahagya ang pinto para lalong magbukas.

"Ano? Ayaw niyo pumasok?"tanong ko, na nagkukunwaring walang alam kung bakit ganoon
na lamang ang ini-react nila. Si Diesel ay preskong umakbay sa 'kin at hinatak ako
papunta sa salas. Biglaan niya akong hinalikan sa pisngi kaya naman agad akong
lumayo na kunwari'y nandidiri.

"May dala akong cake," saad ni Raven, hindi pa rin inaalis ang tingin kay Adonis na
nagsasalansan ng pinggan, na parang akala mo'y mirakulo. Agad kong binuksan iyon
para malantakan na nila. Si Adira ang nagbukas ng laptop ko na nagpapahinga para
iconnect sa maliit at simpleng flatscreen TV ng mumurahing brand. Ikinonnect niya
ang Netflix account ni Diesel at nagsimula siyang mag-browse ngunit panay pa rin
ang sulyap sa direksyon ko.

Vivian was unusually silent. It didn't take rocket science to figure out that the
atmosphere is awkward. Gusto nilang magtanong ngunit hindi alam kung paano. Lalo
lamang iyong lumala nang matapos si Adonis sa ginagawa kaya pumunta siya sa salas
at tumabi sa 'king nakatayo sa likuran ng inuupuan nina Adira at Raven.

"Em!" awkward na tawag ni Vivian at tumayo. Hinaklit niya ang aking braso at
ngumiti kay Adonis ngunit hindi iyon umabot sa mata. Napangiwi ako sa kaniyang
itsura. She looked too fake!

"Saglit lang, ha? Hiramin ko lang," saad niya kay Adonis na tumango lamang. Agad
akong hinigit ni Vivian papasok sa aking kwarto at ini-lock iyon.

"Ano'ng ginagawa non dito?" Matinis at mahina ang kaniyang boses. Binitiwan niya
ako at umupo ako sa kama, habang siya'y pabalik-balik sa kaliwa at kanang panig ng
kwarto, tila naghihisterya.

Tinanggal ko ang tuwalyang bumabalot sa buhok. "We're friends, Vi," simple kong
sabi. Nalaglag ang kaniyang panga. Dali-dali siyang tumabi sa 'kin, nanlalaki pa
rin ang mga mata.

"What? Pa'no? Kailan pa?" Ang buong atensyon niya ay nasa akin. I only sighed.
Ihiniga ko ang katawan sa kama, ang tuhod hanggang binti ay nakasaklang sa gilid ng
kama.

"Kanina lang," sagot ko at napasigaw siyang muli kaya sinaway ko. Baka magtaka sila
sa labas kung ano'ng isinisigaw nito.

"But how? Ano? Engineering siya. Arts ka. It doesn't add up! Ni wala kayong common
ground. Or client mo ba siya? Nagpa-commission? Tandang-tanda ko siya dahil do'n sa
pagwaldas niya ng pera sa mga gawa mo!"

I sat down properly and just looked at the plants near the windowsill. "Ewan ko
rin. He's a good guy, I guess. Pabayaan mo na lang. Wala namang masamang
mangyayari," saad ko. Vivian only sighed. Mayamaya ay napangisi siya at pinaypayan
ang sarili gamit ang palad.

"Pero in fairness ha, guwapo! Mahitsura pala talaga 'pag malapitan at seryoso!
Akala ko ay OA lang 'yung mga taga-Engineering noong sinasabi nilang guwapo 'yang
si Revillanes. Hindi ko rin napansin noong nasa studio siya dahil hindi ko bet ang
appeal. Ngayon ko lang napansin! May pinsan ba siya? Kapatid?" dire-diretso niyang
sabi. Natawa na lang ako at pabiro siyang hinampas ng unan bago tumayo at lumabas.
Agad naman siyang sumunod.

Nilingon ko sila dahil wala si Adonis. Tutok si Adira sa panonood ng Season 2 ng

Stranger Things habang si Diesel ay busy sa pagtitirintas ng maliit na bahagi ng
buhok ni Addie kaya parehas nila akong hindi napansin. Napansin siguro ni Raven ang
paghahanap ko kaya itinuro niya ang labas bago ilipat ang tingin sa panonood.

Vivian gave me a meaningful stare. Hindi ko iyon pinansin at lumabas na lamang.

Adonis was holding his phone and his back was facing me. Dahan-dahan akong lumapit.

"Pakikuha na lang sa locker ko, Cho.... Papasok ako bukas.... Just an emergency....
Alright.... I'll talk to Sir tomorrow...."

Bahagyang nagtaasan ata ang balahibo ko nang humalakhak siya. "Gago," mahina niyang
sabi at tumawa muli bago ibaba ang phone. Nang makita ako sa kaniyang likuran ay
nabigla siya ngunit agad na ngumiti. Inilapat niya ang palad sa aking ulo at
bahagyang ginulo muli ang aking buhok.

"May problema ka sa school?" tanong ko. Umiling siya at sumandal sa sasakyan.

Hinawakan niya ang parehas kong siko at pinwesto ako sa kaniyang tapat.

"No.... It's just a requirement. Pinakuha ko na lang sa kaklase ko."

He talked about it like it's really not a problem at all. Hindi ko mapigilang mag-
alala dahil alam kong isa siya sa mga matataas na estudyante.

"Don't worry about it. One day of absence is not gonna drive me to a failing
grade," mahinahon niyang sabi.

"Is Diesel your...boyfriend?" biglaan niyang tanong, seryoso lamang ang mukha
ngunit hindi mukhang galit.

"What? No!"angal ko. Kung kami nga ni Raven ay imposibleng mangyari, lalo na si
Diesel! I can't even imagine! My relationship with the two of them are purely
platonic and it will remain that way until our last breath.

Napangiti siya sa aking sagot. Ginulo niya muli ang aking buhok ngunit may halong
panggigigil doon kaya naman iniwas ko ang aking ulo. Nag-ring muli ang kaniyang
phone. Hindi sinasadyang napatingin ako doon. Nakita ko ang pangalan ng kanilang
block at isang apelyidong hindi pamilyar. Pinatay niya ang tawag at nilingon muli
ako.

"Acads?" tanong ko. Tumango siya.

Tumaas ang kilay ko. Bakit niya pinatay ang tawag? Dapat sinagot niya na, baka
importante. Pakiramdam ko'y dahil sa 'kin kaya hindi niya sinagot. Now I feel bad.
Masamang impluwensya nga ata talaga ako kay Adonis. Simula pa lang pero ganito na.

"You're thinking about it again. I told you, already. One day of absence isn't a
big deal. Stop thinking about it," mariin niyang sabi na parang nabasa ang nasa
isip ko. Bumuntong-hininga ako at tumango.
"Dapat hindi ka na um-absent. Mamaya masabihan pa akong bad influence n'yan,"
pabiro kong sabi ngunit seryoso ang aking ibig sabihin. Umiling lamang siya at
natawa.

"Trust me, Emmanuelle. I can do things far worse than that...if it's for you, of
course...."

Bigla akong napatayo nang tuwid nang may tumikhim. Diesel playfully whistled and
walked towards Raven's car. Nilingon niya kami at walang hiya siyang tumingin sa
kamay ni Adonis na nasa aking braso. Napabitiw sa 'kin si Adonis na akala mo'y
napaso.

"Ay, sorry. Hehe," saad ni Diesel at mabilis na bumalik sa loob ng apartment.

☽☾

Chapter 10

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti08
chapter eight

NAKALATAG ANG MGA canvas sa sahig at abala ang lahat sa kani-kanilang ginagawa.
Vivian's palms were black due to paint splatters. Ang puti kong t-shirt na madalas
kong gamitin sa pagpipinta ay nadagdagan ng ibang mantsa ng kulay. Dinukot ko ang
cellphone mula sa bulsa ng aking jeans dahil sa biglaang pag-vibrate nito.

Adonis:
Lunch?

Isang tipid na pagsang-ayon lamang ang ni-reply ko. Bumalik ako sa ginagawa.
Lumuhod ako sa madulas na sahig art room at pinulot ang basahan.

May art exhibit na magaganap kaya naman lahat kami ay abala. Exempted sa exams ang
mananalo sa top five kaya naman kahit na sabi nila'y tulungan kami dito, naniniwala
akong may palihim na kompetensiya. Mabuti na lamang at hindi ako masyadong malapit
sa kanila. Hindi ko kayang sikmurain ang plastikan ng mga tao. Adira didn't bother
to participate, paniguradong nasa pinagpaplanuhang gig siya ngayon. Kaya naman niya
ang exam. Mabilis lamang siya mag-aral at para sa 'kin, siya ang pinakamatalino.

Binato ako ni Vivian ng pastillas de leche na hawak niya at agad ko iyong sinubo.
Busy pa rin siya sa kaniyang gawa dahil pinupulido niya iyon. Gusto niyang makagawa
ng tatlong entries para more chances of winning daw. Maximum of three entries kasi
per student. Ako naman, sa tingin ko'y dalawa lang ang magagawa ko. Malayo pa sa
realidad ang portrait ni Frida Kahlo na ginagawa ko. The theme was 'Celebrating
Artists,'kaya naman iba-ibang style ang ginamit ko sa buong portrait. Hinati-hati
ko ang art styles ng mga kilalang artist sa isang portrait: van Gogh, Pablo
Picasso, Salvador Dali, Claude Monet, at Nicolas Poussin. Iyong parte pa lang ni
Poussin ang ginagawa ko dahil mas mahirap para sa akin ang kaniyang style.
Classical art style has always been my weakness. Iyon ang bagsak kong plate dati.

La Gioconda's Act 3, Dance of the Hours was playing in the background kaya medyo
kalma ako kahit na may ingay sa mga kaklase ko. I prefer to work in silence kaya
kung wala siguro iyong nakakakalmang classical music ay nagwala na ako at lumabas
ng art room.

Vivian was really busy kaya hindi siya umiimik. Determinado siyang makakuha ng
pwesto, lalo na't ayaw niya talaga ng written exams. I made myself busy, painting
even the tiniest, probably unnoticeable details. Without those, a painting wouldn't
be complete. Without the details, the final output will drastically look different.
Kahit na mabusisi ay hindi ako nakaramdam ng kung anomang stress. That's because I
enjoy what I'm doing. Isa pa, hindi ako nagmamadali dahil wala akong balak mag-
dalawa o tatlong entries, ngunit kung kaya ko, bakit hindi? If luck is on my side,
I'd belong to the top five with just one entry. Kung hindi, edi hindi para sa 'kin.
Ganon kasimple. No need to weep for the simplest of things.

"Hoy," tawag sa 'kin ni Vi. Binitiwan ko ang palette knife na hawak at nilingon
siya. Nag-spray siya ng alcohol sa kamay at pinusan ng wipes ito. Napamura siya
dahil walang nangyari sa kamay niyang puro itim na pintura pa rin.

"Bakit?" tanong ko. Inayos niya ang maliit na bag na dala at sinukbit sa balikat.
She stretched her arms before turning to face me.

"Kakain ka?" tanong niya. Nilingon ko ang gawa ko na malayo pa sa realidad. I just
waved her off at tumango naman siya bago ako hagisan ulit ng pastillas na gawa ng
nanay niya.

"Babalik ako agad," aniya bago lumabas ng room. Binalik ko ang pansin sa ginagawa.
Nangangalay na ang likod ko dahil sa sahig ako gumagawa. Naunahan kasi ako sa
available easels sa art room. Kung alam ko lang na may isang araw kami para dito,
nagdala sana ako ng sarili kong easel.

Mayamaya ay lumakas na ang ingay na siyang kinairita ko. Bach's music faded and was
replaced by their whispers and mumbling. Nilingon ko sila na mukhang may pinag-
uusapan na kung sinomang tao raw na nasa labas. Dahil wala naman akong pakialam ay
binalik ko ang pokus sa ginagawa.

"Si Dela Cueva, nasa labas daw," narinig kong bulong ng isang babaeng malapit sa
'kin. Matinis ang tili ni Jemar, na Jemmarie sa gabi, at maharot na hinampas ang
braso nito. Nang makita akong nakatingin ay kumaway siya. Tipid akong ngumiti
pabalik.

He's one the least problematic classmates that I have kaya naman pinansin ko siya.
Most of them are annoying. Hindi ko alam kung galit lang talaga ako sa mundo o
sadyang nakakairita talaga sila.

Biglaang natahimik ang buong kwarto, kasabay ng tunog ng pagkaskas ng shoji na

nagsilbing pinto ng art room. Japanese-inspired ang interior nito at madalas ay
puro kahoy ang makikita. Sa isang gilid ay may kulay pulang tatami kung saan
nakapwesto ang ilan. Ang ilan ay nakapwesto sa mga chabudai na limitado lamang rin.
Kaunti lamang ang laman ng art room kahit na malawak itong silid.

"Nasaan si...Emmanuelle Vesper?"

Napatigil ako sa ginagawa. Kunot-noo kong tinaas ang aking tingin at nakita ko ang
isang lalaki. Mistulang nagliwanag ang kaniyang mukha nang matanaw ako. Napakamot
siya sa kaniyang ulo, lalong ginugulo ang kaniyang buhok. His hair looked soft; his
fingers glided smoothly with his movements. Hindi ko na maaninag ang singkitin
niyang mata dahil sa kaniyang pagtungo. He chewed his lip from the inside.
Tinagilid ko ang aking ulo. He looks familiar.

Tumayo na ako dahil halos lahat sila ay nakatingin sa 'kin. Narinig ko ang
madramang pagsinghap ni Jemar at ang pagtawa ng pinakamalapit niyang kaibigan na si
Brielle.

"Ano'ng kailangan?" tipid kong tanong at lumapit. Umawang ang kaniyang bibig para
magsalita ngunit tumikom rin. Napalingon siya sa aking likuran. Saglit kong
nilingon ang tinitingnan niya at napansin na lahat ay sa akin nakatuon ang atensyon
kaya naman tinapik ko siya sa balikat at lumabas. Ini-slide niya ang shoji para
sumarado bago ako hinarap. I made myself comfortable by leaning on the wall behind
me.

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kaniyang hawak: isang papel na may marka ng pagkakatupi.

"Ano," panimula niya. Ipinagpag niya ang nanginginig na kamay at bumwelo ng

buntong-hininga.

"K-Kasi..." Tumaas ang kilay ko dahil mukha siyang batang natatakot sa kausap dahil
sa pangangatal. Inalis ko ang pagkakahalukipkip dahil baka nai-intimidate siya
roon.

"Sino ka? Kilala mo ako?" tanong ko. Nanlaki nang bahagya ang kaniyang mata at
nilingon ako, mata sa mata. Ilang beses siyang kumurap bago nag-iwas ng tingin.
Tumalikod siya na lalong kinagulo ng aking isipan. I heard him muttering some words
to himself before facing me again.

"I-Ikaw ang gumawa nito, 'di ba?" aniya at inabot sa 'kin ang papel. Nilingon ko
siya bago iyon tanggapin. Both of my brows shot up when I saw a freehand portrait
of him, pati na ang pangalan ko malapit sa tainga. I recognized my familiar art
style. Tumango ako.

Saglit akong natauhan. Nalasing ako noong araw na 'to, sigurado ako, kaya hindi ko
siya masyadong maalala. Ibinalik ko iyon sa kaniya. Nanginginig ang mga daliri
niyang tinanggap iyon.

"Oo.... Sino ka nga ulit?" tanong ko. Nakita ko ang paghugot niya ulit ng hininga
at paglunok.

"M-Maxim...."

His eyes looked gentle. Pagala-gala iyon, tinitingnan lahat maliban sa akin.

"Ibinigay mo 'to sa 'kin noong nasa coffee shop ka. Sabi mo ay wala ng b-bayad."

I looked up the ceiling in an attempt to remember. Bahagya kong naalala ang parte
na pumunta nga ako sa kapehan at gumuhit dahil nakita ko sa sketchpad ko.

"Ang...ganda kasi," dagdag niya. His fair skin turned to light pink. Kumunot ang
noo ko sa kaniyang kilos.

Nasapo ko ang noo.

Oh, no. This is bad. Is this boy crushing on me?

"Sige. Iyo na 'yan," tipid kong sabi at nilagpsan siya para sana bumalik sa loob
ngunit naramdaman kong hinawakan niya ang braso ko. Mabilis ko siyang nilingon at
tinaasan ng kilay, kaya naman napabitiw siya agad.

"Tumatanggap ka ba ng commissions?" tanong niya, ang mata ay nasa sahig. My God, my

face is up here! Tingala ka naman nang kaunti diyan!

"Oo," saad ko at kumalma. Usapang propesyonal na ito at trabaho. "But not this week
because of the art exhibit. Ano ba ang gusto mong ipagawa?"

"Cover art lang sana para sa ire-release naming kanta. Next month pa naman ang
event, kaya hindi kami nagmamadali."

Tumango ako at may dinukot sa bulsa ng jeans. I always keep a copy of my contact
number for work purposes. Inabot ko iyon sa kaniya na agad niyang tinanggap.

"Send an e-mail then we'll settle it from there. Sa ngayon ay may ginagawa pa ako,"
saad ko. Tumango naman siya at inangat nang bahagya ang tingin. Finally.

"Sige. S-Salamat," aniya. I only gave him a short nod before entering the art room.
Narinig kong may tumawag sa kaniya mula sa hallways bago ko maisara ang shoji.

Naramdaman ko ang mga tingin nila pagpasok ko. Dahil sanay na naman sila sa ugali
kong pagmamaldita, hindi na bago iyong tinataasan ko sila ng kilay o kaya ay hindi
na lang papansinin. Dumiretso ako sa naiwang canvas at pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa.

NANANAKIT NA ANG aking likod sa paggawa ngunit wala pa sa kalahati ang natatapos
ko. Vivian was already laying on the art room's floor, nakatakip ang braso sa
kaniyang mata. Kaunti na lang kasi kami dito sa art room dahil ang iba'y umalis na.
Nagpunta na sa room 'yong iba para mag-ayos ng gamit at ang ilan ay umuwi na.

Wala na kami sa sampu. Nilingon ko iyong isa na halos patapos na. Napabalik ang
tingin ko kay Vivian nang bumuntong-hininga ito nang malakas.

"Patapos ka na," sabi ko para i-motivate siyang tapusin iyong ginagawa niya. She
groaned before sitting upright and grabbing her detailing brush. Nakasimangot na
siya at dinampot ang pastillas de leche na baon niya.

Nararamdaman ko na mistulang hinahangin ang aking ulo dahil sa hindi ako kumain. I
tapped the side of my head with my wrists. Napalingon sa 'kin si Vivian.

"Kumain ka na ba?" tanong niya at binalik ang tingin sa ginagawa. Kumuha ako ng
pastillas at iyon ang binanatan.

"Hindi pa. Masisira ang momentum ko,"sagot ko.

To be honest, I really lose track of the time whenever I'm painting. Para akong
nilalamon masyado ng aking ginagawa. I get lost in art and wander, completely not
minding if I go too far, straying away from reality.

Pumalatak siya. Mayamaya ay nabitiwan niya ang brutsa.

"Kaya pala!" malakas niyang sigaw, napatingin tuloy lahat sa kaniya. Hindi niya
pinansin ang mga iyon. Nasapo niya ang noo at humalakhak.

"Bakit?" tanong ko. I was busy mixing the flesh tones. Kalat-kalat na ang pintura
sa kamay ko at maging ang pantalong suot ay namantsahan na.

"Si Revillanes, nasa room! Puntahan mo kaya? May usapan ba kayo?"

Natigilan ako sa kaniyang sinabi. Upon realizing what she said, mabilis kong inalis
ang phone sa aking bulsa. Since naka-silent at hindi pa naka-vibrate, wala akong
kamalay-malay na puno na iyon ng texts at missed calls. And it's almost four p.m.!

(3:27 PM) Adonis:

Your classmates are here. Where are you?

Napapalatak ako. Nahilot ko muli ang sentido na parang lalong nanakit. I forgot
that I agreed to have lunch with him dahil sobra akong occupied sa ginagawa. I
skimmed through his older texts. Wow,ha. Ang daming pera sa load!
(12:30 PM) Adonis:
Nasa room niyo ako. Wala masyadong tao but I think I saw Vivian's bag. Nasaan ka?

That means he's in our building for around three hours already! Wala ba siyang
klase? He can't go skipping classes like this. Lalo na't sigurado akong maraming
nakakita sa kaniya sa may room namin. 'Pag nalaman na ako ang hinihintay niya,
marahil ay makatanggap siya ng hindi kaaya-ayang salita. God, what would the
faculty staffs say about him?!

"Aalis ka na?" nanunuyang tanong ni Vivian. Inirapan ko na lamang siya at sinilid

lahat ng brushes sa pouch. Nag-inat muna ako bago mabilis na nilikom lahat ng
gamit. I quickly kissed Vivian on the cheeks before running away from that room.

Maingat kong hawak ang canvas kahit na mabilis ang aking kilos. Mabuti na lang at
hindi masyadong maraming tao sa hallways dahil ang ilan ay may klase pa.

Napatigil ako sa pagtakbo nang matanaw siya. He was leaning on the railings, hands
playing with his phone, serious eyes drifted on the floor. Napansin ko si Jemar na
nasa may pintuan at pasimple itong pinipicturan. Kumunot ang noo ko.

"Jem!" tawag ko, hindi alam para saan. Nabitiwan ni Jemar ang cellphone niya at
nilingon ako. Hinawakan niya ang dibdib na akala mo'y sobra ang gulat.

"Emma naman!" saway niya. Nginisian ko lamang siya. Sumilip ako sa room at napansin
ang pagsilip ng iba kay Adonis na nasa labas. Inilapag ko muna ang canvas sa may
upuan ko.

"Pabantay ako," sabi ko kay Jemar. Nag-thumbs up lamang siya sa akin. 'Tsaka ko
nilingon si Adonis na umayos ng tayo.

"Sorry," dispensa ko kaagad.

"It's fine. You're preparing for the exhibit?" tanong niya. Lumipat ang tingin niya
sa aking buhok at pinakialaman niya na naman iyon. Tinatanggal niya ang pintura na
napadikit sa ilang bahagi ng aking buhok.

"Oo. Hindi ko rin napansin." Napalingon ako kay Jemar dahil sa malakas niyang
pagre-react. Umakto siyang nasasaktan at napatawa na lamang ako.

Adonis didn't speak. Busy siya sa ginagawa sa buhok ko. Mukha siyang naka-uniform
dahil sa itim na slacks na suot at puting button-down. Nakasukbit sa kaliwang
balikat niya ang kaniyang leather backpack.

"Um-absent ka, 'no?" tanong ko. Napanguso siya. Tinigil niya ang ginagawa sa buhok
ko at pinasadahan niya na lamang iyon ng kaniyang daliri.

"Wala naman si Sir. Ala una trenta hanggang alas tres 'yung huli kong klase. Bale,
awas na ako ngayon," pangangatuwiran niya. Umirap ako.

"Still, um-absent ka! At hindi ka pa kumakain."

Humalakhak lamang siya sa aking sinabi. Nauna na akong maglakad papuntang canteen
dahil naramdaman ko na ang gutom. Awas na rin naman ako. Pwede akong bumalik sa art
room ngunit pagod na ang likod ko kaya mamayang gabi ko na lamang siguro iyon
itutuloy.

"Nagpasa naman ako ng requirement. Wala lang ako sa attendance. Okay lang 'yon. I
can catch up," mababa niyang sabi. Naramdaman ko siyang humabol sa akin sa
paglalakad. Otomatikong napatuwid ang aking likod nang maramdaman ang kaniyang
palad dito.

"Puro ka 'I can catch up,' diyan. Sana hindi ka na lang nag-aral!" mataray kong
sabi na lalong nagpatawa sa kaniya. Papasok na ako ng canteen nang higitin niya ako
paharap sa kaniya.

"Bakit ka ba galit na galit?" natatawa niya pa ring sabi. He bit his lower lip in
an attempt to suppress his smile.

"Ewan ko!" I honestly said then rolled my eyes. Ginulo niya ang buhok ko at hinila
palayo doon.

"Saan tayo?" tanong ko. "'Yong canvas ko, nasa room pa!"

We stopped in front of his car. Humalakhak lamang siya bago ako pagbuksan ng pinto.
Hinawakan ko ang pinto at pinaningkitan siya ng mata ngunit nakangiti lamang siya.

"'Yong canvas ko," saad ko ulit. Kinuha niya ang kaniyang phone at nilagay sa may
tainga.

"Cho...may ipapakuha ako sa'yo.... Maaga nga akong aalis," saglit niya akong
sinulyapan, "sa 206. You know her name. Pakiingatan, ha?" may diin niyang sabi at
nilagay ang phone muli sa bulsa.

"Okay na. Your masterpiece is on safe hands," prente niyang sabi. Sumimangot ako.
That Cho guy again. Marahil ay kaklase niya ito, o malapit na kaibigan.

Inilagay ko ang aking bag sa aking hita. Panay ang tawag niya sa akin ngunit hindi
ko siya nililingon. I'm starting to think that I really am a bad influence.

Binuksan ko ang aking data upang magcheck ng e-mails. Agad kong binuksan iyon dahil
sa nag-inquire kanina. What's his name again? Maximo? Wala pa akong nare-receive
kaya hindi ko alam kung tuloy ba iyon o hindi. Baka naman nasa klase pa siya o may
ginagawa kaya hindi pa nakakapag-e-mail.

Tumigil kami sa tapat ng isang kainan. Sa palagay ko'y literal na kuminang ang
aking mga mata nang makita ang kawayan na facade nito. Agad akong bumaba. My eyes
wandered the whole vicinity. White lights glowed from the ceilings and crept from
the walls. Nginitian agad ako ng babaeng serbidora na nakaputing polo at itim na
pantalon. There were wooden tables and chairs, as well. Marami-rami na rin ang
kumakain, ngunit hindi maingay at hindi mukhang crowded.

A mini stage was at the center. May tatlong nagpapahingang mic stand at isang
mataas na upuang gawa sa madilim na kulay ng kahoy. Ang backdrop ay may artificial
plants at criss-crossed na mga kawayan, pinaiikutan ng kulay gold na kinang ng
fairy lights. May isa pang entrada tungo sa extension ng kainan, at doon ako
nagtungo.

Agad kong siniklop ang aking buhok dahil sa lakas ng hangin. Napapikit ako sa
bahagyang pagkapuwing. There were huts exposed to the open air. Nagmamadali akong
pumunta sa mini garden sa gitna, at sa fountain na may malinis na tubig. Sayang
lang at maaga pa, patay pa kasi ang ilaw na nakapalibot dito. And the flowers!
Sobrang dami! Ngayon lang ako nakapunta dito kahit na malapit lang ito sa uni. We
usually just hang out at Feline's.

"Kain muna...." Nilingon ko si Adonis na kararating lamang. There's still an easy

smile on his face. His hand touched a small part of my back and we occupied a hut.
Busy pa rin ang mata ko sa paglibot ng tingin dito.
Nang tanungin niya ako kung ano'ng gusto ko ay sinenyas ko lang ang aking kamay.
Kahit ano. I'm not really picky with food.

"Magkano 'to?" tanong ko nang dumating ang pagkain. May sinigang na hipon, lechong
kawali, inihaw na bangus, kanin na binalot sa dahon ng saging at mango juice ata.
Ang dami para sa aming dalawa!

"My treat," simple niyang sabi bago ilagay sa aking plato iyong kanin na nakabalot
sa dahon ng saging. He removed the banana leaf and set it aside bago lagyan ang
kaniya.

I only looked at him. Seryoso na muli ang kaniyang mukha habang pinupunasan ang mga
kubyertos gamit ang tissue. Inabot niya sa akin ang kutsara't tinidor. Sumasandok
na siya ng ulam at nilalagay sa mangkok nang mapansin siguro na nakatingin ako sa
kaniya.

"What?"

"Uh...do you pray first?" tanong ko. I'm not really a religious person, so...

Napatawa siya sa aking tanong at napailing. "Kumain ka na. Delayed na delayed na

ang lunch mo."

"Lunch mo rin naman," agad kong sagot. Napansin ko ang pag-angat ng gilid ng
kaniyang labi sa aking sinabi.

He has an appetite. O baka naman sadyang kasalanan ko dahil hindi siya nakakain
kanina. His body still looked quite muscular if you ask me. Hindi gaanong kalaki
ang katawan ngunit toned. Diesel's a lot more well-built ngunit bagay naman sa
kaniya. Pumapak na lamang ako ng hipon habang tinatanaw ang paligid. Marahang
sumasayaw ang mga bulaklak dahil sa pag-ihip ng hangin. There was only faint white
light inside the hut, ngunit maliwanag pa naman sa labas.

"Hello, mic test."

Napalingon ako sa kabilang panig nang marinig iyon. An awfully familiar voice.
Malamig. Hindi gaanong malalim.

"There's a band. Do you want to watch?"

Napalingon ako kay Adonis na nasa pangatlong kanin na niya. Tinago ko ang amusement
sa loob ko. Ginutom ko ata talaga siya. Ilang oras ba naman siyang naghintay?

"Kumakain ka pa. Iwan kita?"

Sandali siyang natigilan ngunit agad na nakabawi. "Basta ba diyan ka lang at hindi
ka mawawala."

Kumunot ang noo ko sa kaniyang sagot. Ipinagkibit-balikat ko iyon at bumaba sa hut,

dumiretso sa loob, sa may gilid lang dahil may ibang nanonood sa may unahan. I can
still see Adonis from my position.

Nakita ko ang isang gitarista, isang nakaupo sa beatbox at isang lalaking nakaupo
sa wooden stool.

My eyes widened at the sight of the familiar boy. Ang sigkitin niyang mata ay
nakangiti sa mga kumakain. Nililibot niya ang tingin, as if making sure he's
connected with everyone. Napatigil siya nang magtagpo ang aming paningin. Napahawak
siya sa upuan at agad na umiwas ng tingin. Ang nakaupo sa beatbox ay kumunot ang
noo at may sinabi bago silipin ang direksyon na tiningnan nito.

I only raised my brow at him. Napangisi ito at natawa. May sinabi ito doon sa
gitarista kaya napatingin din ito sa akin. May tinawanan pa sila na kung ano. The
guitarist waved his hand to the crowd. Ang ilan ay nakalabas ang phones at
kinukuhanan ata sila ng video o picture. Kahit na bahagyang marami ang tao ay hindi
gaanong kagulo.

"Every breath you take...every move you make...every bond you break, every step you
take, I'll be watching you."

Napayakap ako sa sarili dahil sa hangin na sinabayan pa ng lamig ng boses

ni...Maximo? Maxin? Ano nga ulit ang pangalan niya?

"Oh can't you see? You belong to me. My poor heart aches with every step you take."

Pumalakpak ako matapos ng isang kanta. Their performance was calming, sinabayan pa
ng magandang ambience ng paligid. Naramdaman ko ang init ng katawan sa aking
likuran. Tumingala ako at nakita si Adonis na seryoso ang tingin sa stage. I
blinked. He's standing too close! Bahagya siyang tumungo para tagpuin ang tingin
ko.

"You don't fall for kids like that, do you?"

Kumunot ang noo ko at bahagyang napalayo sa kaniya. What kind of question was
that?! Nahampas ko ang kaniyang braso. Nakasimangot niya akong nilingon, ni hindi
tumatawa.

"Kid? I think he's just around our age," saad ko. Although, he really looks young,
soft and pure. Masyadong maamo ang mukha. Kung itatabi ko si Diesel sa kaniya ay
lalong magmumukhang masamang tao ang kaibigan ko.

Napalingon ako sa kanila at napansin na nakatingin siya sa direksyon namin. He

immediately averted his gaze, cheeks slightly turning rosy...o baka naman dahil
lang sa lighting iyon.

"Tss." Hinapit niya ang aking bewang.

Bahagya siyang yumuko para bumulong. "Iuuwi na nga kita," mababa niyang sabi, kunot
ang noo, at nakasimangot.

☽☾

Chapter 11

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti09
chapter nine

"KINAKABAHAN AKO," SAAD ni Vivian. I felt her cold fingertips wrap around my limp
arm. Natatawa ko iyong tinanggal. I stretched my tired limbs. Nananakit rin ang
likod ko. Tinitigan ko ang aking gawa na nasa sahig at tapos na. Pirma na lamang at
iyong pangalan na ilalagay sa likod ang kulang.

Vivian's works were also placed on the art room's floor. Kanina pa niya iyon
sinusuri, correcting even the tiniest 'errors.' I think Vivian would make it. The
last piece she made, to be exact. Iyon ang pinakamaganda para sa akin. It's based
from Dali's The Persistence of Memory, but what it actually portrays is Salvador
Dali's portrait. Ang tatlong ginawa niya ay puro black, white, at shades of gray
lamang. Sabagay, iyon ang kaniyang forte.

Ngalay na ngalay ang katawan ko dahil sa halos limang oras na pagpipinta sa sahig.
Ngayon ay marami kasing tao sa art room. They are finalizing their outputs which
are to be displayed later this afternoon. Mabuti na nga lang at napakiusapan ang
dalawa naming profs sa umaga para pagbigyan kaming gawin ang mga 'to.

Hinubad ko ang aking puting t-shirt, leaving me with a fitted black v-neck.
Ipinapatong ko lang naman itong puting shirt kapag may ginagawa ako. Marami na
itong mantsa ng pintura na hindi na matanggal.

They all swarmed in front when Jemar arrived. Nasa kaniya kasi iyong mga labels na
kailangang idikit sa likuran ng painting. Hinintay kong mabawasan ang tao bago
lumapit sa kaniya. He gave me a meaningful stare na tinawanan ko lang.

"Emanuelle Vesper S. Gorotizca, ang tunay na winner!" maarte nitong sabi. Brielle
was with him, shaking her head with amusement. Inabot niya sa 'kin ang isang
sticker na may random letters at numbers, which will serve as our code per entry.

Idinikit ko iyon sa likod ng aking canvas. Mamaya pang alas-tres ang display ng mga
ito sa function hall. For now, I'll have my lunch as a reward for my hardwork.
Itinabi ko ang gawa ko sa kay Vivian na inaayos niya sa isang gilid. Tinakpan niya
iyon ng pulang tela pagkatapos.

"Pa'no 'pag iyo ang top three?" tanong ko sa kaniya. Tinawanan lamang niya iyon.

"Edi magaling. Pero, kung ganoon ay hanggang top seven ang kukuhanin," paliwanag
niya. Lumabas kami ng art room. We were walking down the hallways when someone
approached us.

Hinihingal, namumula ang pisngi, at bahagyang basa ng pawis ang noo. His soft hair
got stuck to his forehead.

Vivian nudged me. Nilingon ko lamang siya pabalik.

"Emmanuelle?" tanong niya at umayos ng tayo. Tumango ako. I know him. Siya iyong
nagpapagawa ng cover art. Hindi ko lang talaga matandaan ang pangalan niya dahil
hindi pa rin naman siya nagse-send ng e-mail.

"Ngayon ba ang exhibit?" tanong niya. Papalit-palit ang tingin niya sa akin at kay
Vivian. Pasimple kong pinisil ang braso ng kaibigan nang taasan niya ito ng kilay,
baka kasi matakot.

He slightly bowed his head. His right hand reached for his ear. Napakamot siya sa
batok.

"A-Anong oras?" tanong niya, sa sahig na ang tingin. Si Vivian kasi! Ang taray na
nga ng hitsura niya, magtataas pa ng kilay. Parang maamong pusa na nga itong
lalaking 'to, tatakutin niya pa.

"Around 3 p.m. Pwede kang pumunta pagkatapos para mapag-usapan natin," pormal kong
sagot. Tumango naman siya. I was expecting him to get out of our way but he looked
like he wanted to say something else.

"There you are."

Napapitlag ako nang marinig ang boses ni Adonis mula sa likuran. Bahagya akong
umisod dahil sa lapit niya. I think I even felt his chest on the back of my head.

Nilingon ko siya. "Ano'ng ginagawa mo dito?" I asked. Lumipat siya sa may tabihan
ko at nilagay ang mga kamay sa loob ng bulsa. Sinulyapan niya ang lalaking nasa
harap.

"Lunch na," simple nitong sabi at hinawakan ang aking pala-pulsuhan. Nilingon ko
itong potential client kong nakakagat sa ibabang labi at nakatingin kay Adonis.

"S-Sige. See you mamaya," mahina nitong sabi at tumakbo tungo sa hagdanan. Vivian
chuckled when he left.

"Ang cute niya a. Kaso, parang mahiyain," saad niya. I saw her glance at Adonis.

"Tinakot mo pa," gatong ko. Sumimangot si Vivian at nagkibit-balikat. Nilingon niya

muli si Adonis. I rolled my eyes. Alam ko ang gusto niyang iparating.

"I'll call Ravi. Mauna na kayo," aniya at tumigil sa may dulo ng hagdan.
Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. Umirap naman siya at napalingon ulit sa kasama kong
tahimik lang na nakasunod.

"No way in hell I'm wheeling, Emma. Go," aniya. Bago pa ako makapagpaliwanag ay
pinilantik na niya ang kamay, sinasabing mauna na ako. I only sighed. Nilingon ko
si Adonis na may nagtatanong na ekspresyon dahil iniwan ko si Vivian sa loob ng
building.

"Sasama siya kay Raven," paliwanag ko. Bumalik sa pagseseryoso ang kaniyang mukha.
I felt his hand on the small part of my back again while walking. Siguro'y habit na
niya. I wonder if he does this to other girls, too. The thought of it wants to make
me see red.

Doon kami sa may dulo pumwesto. Napangisi ako sa aking isip. The last time I sat
here with him, pinagagalitan niya ako. That was also the day I turned his
friendship offer down. Sinong mag-aakalang babaliin ko ang mga salita ko?

Dumiretso na siya sa isang stall habang ako'y abala sa pagtingin sa kaniya. The way
he attracts everyone's eyes was noticeable. His presence itself demands attention.
Pormal na kilos, matikas ang tindig, at seryoso ang mga mata habang nakikipag-usap
sa nagtitinda. He doesn't look as ruthless and evil as Raven, though. The latter
has fuller brows and a more masculine aura. Raven and Diesel both have the bad boy
vibes. Raven was the silent type. Diesel's the obvious one.

Nilapag niya ang binili sa aking harapan. I don't know if I should pay him or what.
Nilibre na niya ako dati. Nakakahiya namang pati ito ay sagot niya. Ganoon ba ito
kayaman? Parang wala lang talaga siyang mapaglagyan ng pera kaya siya gastos nang
gastos.

"Kapag natalo ka, babayaran mo ako. Kapag nanalo ka, it's free," saad niya na
mukhang nababasa ang nasa isip ko. Kumunot ang aking noo.

"Bayaran na kita," pabiro kong sabi at natawa. His face remained still and serious,
na parang hindi natuwa sa sinabi ko. What did I do?

"You'll win, Emmanuelle," mahina niyang sabi. Binaba ko na ang tingin sa pagkain.
Whatever. Hindi naman talaga big deal sa akin ang exhibit na 'to. Kung manalo, edi
salamat. Kung hindi, edi okay lang din. I'm content with my work, pero alam kong
marami ang kakompetensiya. Lahat naman ay nag-effort para sa event na 'to. It's a
neck to neck battle amongst artists of different styles and techniques. Swerte lang
ang kapit ko dito. Depende na talaga sa judge kung matipuhan ang gawa ko.

Naglabas siya ng malaking notebook mula sa kaniyang leather backpack. He was

writing numbers...lots of it, while eating. Probably answering something. Wala
naman akong naiinitindihan.

Hindi ko na siya tinanong dahil mukhang pokus na pokus siya sa ginagawa. Brows
furrowed, dark eyes drifted on the white paper, paminsan minsa'y naniningkit ang
mga mata niya 'pag may binubura. Kaliwete. His right hand was suspended in the air
as he scribbles equations I do not understand in his notebook. Bahagyang gumagalaw
ang kaniyang labi, mistulang binabanggit ang mga numero nang walang tunog. Saglit
niya akong nilingon, nahuling nakatingin lang sa kaniya at sa ginagawa.

"Kumain ka diyan," aniya at binaba muli ang tingin sa notebook. Sinunod ko ang
gusto niya, sumusulyap na lang ako minsan sa kaniyang ginagawa. Every time he'll
catch me looking at him, he'll point his pen to my food kaya naman bumabalik ako sa
pagkain. There's something about his commands that makes you want to obey him.

Mabilis niya lamang iyon natapos. Ibinalik niya ang kaniyang gamit sa bag at inubos
ang pagkain. Kinuha niya ang aking pinagkainan at diretsong tumayo para ibalik iyon
sa binilhan.

Adonis seemed busy today. Panay ang check niya sa kaniyang phone habang naglalakad
kami pabalik sa building. Napansin ko ang pare-parehas na simula ng pangalan nila
sa contacts, apat na karakter na sumisimbolo sa pangalan ng kanilang bloc. Hindi ko
na nilingon ang kaniyang phone dahil baka akalain niyang usisera ako.

"Anong oras ang display ng gawa niyo?" tanong niya at ibinulsa ang phone. I can
hear some noises from inside the art room. May iba pa sigurong busy sa kanilang
ginagawa.

"Anong oras ang awas mo?" tanong ko pabalik. I can't risk telling him the time of
the event. Baka mamaya ay um-absent siya. He's a student leader and an achiever;
this developing habit of his must stop before it grows. Baka mamaya ay mawili siya
masyadong mag-skip ng klase, hindi iyon maganda para sa kaniyang record.

Nagsukatan kami ng tingin. Amusement crossed his eyes for a moment. May naglalarong
ngisi sa kaniyang labi. Umiling siya at kinagat ang labi, bago ilapat ang palad sa
aking ulo at guluhin ang aking buhok.

"Haaay, Emma," may panggigigil niyang saad. Inis kong tinanggal ang kaniyang kamay
sa aking ulo bago hinawi ang sariling buhok. I gave him an annoyed look which he
only returned with a chuckle. He gripped my elbow and made me face him straight.
Inilapat niya ang dalawang palad sa aking ulo, hinahagod ang buhok pababa, as if
he's fixing my hair. Hindi mawala ang ngisi sa kaniyang labi.

"Ano nga?" tanong niya.

"E anong oras nga ang awas mo?" tanong ko. Napapikit siya at napatawang muli. He
probably realized that I won't let him attend if he has classes. Hindi niya ako
maiisahan.

"Alas tres," aniya. He then bit again his red lips, suppressing a smile. Lumilikot
ang tingin niya sa paligid.

I gave him a cold stare. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. Napatawa siyang muli. Otomatiko
akong napailag nang hagipin niya ang aking pisngi at may panggigigil na pinisil
iyon.
"Oo na...four-thirty pa talaga." Matapos sabihin ang huli ay napasimangot siya.
Tumango ako. If he wants to see the exhibit, he can still make it. Hanggang alas
cinco naman ata ang displays at alas sais naman i-aannounce ang mananalo.

"Abot ka pa. 'Wag kang um-absent, ha," mariin kong sabi at pinandilatan siya.
Tumango lamang siya. Ini-slide ko ang shoji. Bago pumasok ay nilingon ko siya.

"Adonis," may pagbabanta kong sabi. I have this feeling that he'll be doing the
complete opposite. Tumayo siya nang tuwid. He gave me a playful salute.

"Yes po, Ma'am!" aniya at ngumisi. Inirapan ko lamang siya bago tuluyang pumasok ng
art room at isinara iyon. Thank God they're busy with their works. Hindi na nila
napansin iyong kasama ko.

I just sat on the far corner beside my works and Vivian's. Pasimple kong sinisilip
iyong ibang gawa. Mukhang hindi lang si Vivian ang kabado. Lahat talaga sila ay
ayaw nang mag-written exams.

May isang event facilitator na pumunta sa art room bandang alas dos. Bahagyang
napuno ng ingay ang kwarto dahil sa mga tili ng pinaghalong excitement at kaba.
Pumanhik si Raven at Diesel sa kwarto para ibaba ang apat na canvas sa function
hall. Raven, I'm sure he genuinely wanted to help me and his sister. Si Diesel,
sigurado akong naghahanap lang 'yan ng maganda sa mga kasali.

I went out of the cubicle. Si Adira ay busy sa kaniyang itim na ukulele na bitbit-
bitbit niya. Vivian was fixing her eyeliner. Dahil kami lang sa CR ay inilabas ni
Addie ang kaniyang phone. Vivian did not flinch on what she's doing. Iniapak ko
naman ang itim na combat boots sa may sink at diretsong tumingin sa salamin. Vivian
only showed a leer towards the mirror. Narinig ko ang shutter ng camera. Adira
snickered at the photo.

I only fixed my tight shirt and tucked it inside my mom jeans. Sinipat ko ang
sarili sa salamin. My make up for today was not heavily dark, just some really
saturated transition of yellow, peach, and orange on my lids and some bright coral
tint for my lips and cheeks. Tinawag pa nga akong bumblebee ni Diesel kanina dahil
sa itim kong pantaas at sapatos, dilaw na medyas at mas maliwanag na dilaw na
Kanken.

After a few more photos, umalis na kami dahil may iba nang pumasok. It's only half
past three. Dumiretso kami sa function hall para tingnan kung nailagay na ba nina
Raven doon iyong mga canvas. We saw them sitting near the doorway. Hawak ni Raven
ang gawa ng kapatid at na kay Diesel ang akin, kasama ng isa kay Vivian. Sinamaan
ko siya ng tingin bago niya pa ulit ako maasar na bumblebee. Ngumisi lamang siya at
nagpigil ng tawa. Ang lakas din talaga ng tama ng isang 'to. Bakit ko ba siya
naging kaibigan?

Sa dami ng ilalagay para sa exhibit ay medyo natagalan bago namin nahanap ang
assigned na pwesto sa amin. Hile-hilera ang easel sa malawak na function hall.
Vivian's works were far from each other. Iyong isa ay katabi ng akin at ang dalawa
ay nasa mas likurang bahagi ng hall. The lighting was bright, ngunit ang iilang
pale orange na ilaw sa may gilid ay nagbigay ng mas dramatic na effect. Tahimik sa
function hall kahit na marami ang tao, marahil ay dahil bawal talaga mag-ingay sa
area na 'to. That's why Diesel decided to just stay outside. Baka mapalayas lang
siya dahil sa lakas ng boses niya.

Despite the numerous artworks displayed, the function hall did not seemed crowded
because of their strategic positions. Malawak pa rin ang espasyo para sa mga
titingin. Hanggang alas cuatro trenta lamang pwede ang mga gustong makapasok, open
for outsiders and students inside the uni. From four to half past five, bawal na
dahil iyon ang oras ng judging. After that, 30 minutes will be allotted again for
visitors, habang naghihintay ng announcement ng mananalo.

Kanina ko lamang napagtanto ang pinaka-rason kung bakit nais ni Vivian manalo.
Bukod sa exemptions sa exam, narinig kong maaaring magkaron ng saglit na project
offer ang mapipili. I heard that it's for a magazine. At 'pag may trabaho, may
pera. Si Adira ang pinakamasinop sa amin ngunit si Vivian talaga ang pinakagustong
kumita ng pera.

Inabot sa 'kin ni Raven ang sinisipsip na softdrinks na nabili niya sa labas. I

grabbed it from him and took a sip bago ibalik sa kaniya. Nasa labas kami ng hall
dahil marami pang nasa loob. Papasok naman kami mayamaya para mabilis na pasadahan
ng tingin ang ilan.

Kami ni Adira ang magkasama sa loob. Si Diesel ay nasa likuran niya lamang at inii-
strum ang ukulele gamit ang gawa-gawa niyang chords kaya naman nagagalit si Adira
sa kaniya. Kahit na gusto nilang magbangayan nang todo ay 'di nila magawa, parehas
takot na mapalabas agad.

Napahiwalay ako sa dalawa dahil sa dami ng tao. Tinunton ko ang aking gawa at
napansin ang isang lalaking nakatingin doon, only to figure out it's the boy from
the band. Hindi niya napansin ang presensya ko dahil nakatitig lamang siya sa aking
canvas.

Saglit niya akong nilingon at binalik ang tingin sa gawa. Mayamaya ay mabilis niya
iyong binalik sa 'kin, nanlalaki nang bahagya ang singkiting mata na mistulang may
napagtanto, dahan-dahang gumagapang sa maputlang balat ang kulay ng rosas. Even
with the dramatic lighting, his chinky eyes still looked bright and innocent, like
young afternoon light peeks through his irises.

"I-Iyo 'to?" tanong niya sa mahinang boses, halos hindi ko marinig, o parang ayaw
niya talagang marinig ko.

Nagkibit-balikat lamang ako. Inside, I was in awe. How can he recognize my art
style just by staring? Gayong hindi ko nga halos sariling istilo ang ginamit, dahil
halo-halo iyon mula sa mga kilalang pintor.

"F-Feeling ko kasi iyo...." dugtong niya.

"How did you know?" tanong ko. His cheeks puffed when he sucked in his breath.
Nahihiya niya akong nilingon.

"I don't know. This one's the only piece that pulled me in...so I assumed it's from
you."

He bit his lip from the inside. Magsasalita pa sana ako nang maramdaman kong may
mabigat na braso ang dumagan sa aking balikat.

"Let's go, Emma ko," saad ni Diesel at basta-basta akong hinila paalis doon. I
tried to steal a glance at the guy ngunit pinipilit ni Diesel na iiwas ang tingin
ko at ang daan namin. Nang makalabas ay sinuntok ko siya sa braso. Addie was with
already with Vi and Ravi outside.

"Ano ba 'yon?" iritable kong tanong. Agad na bumitiw sa 'kin si Diesel nang ambahan
ko ng hampas. Natatawa siyang nagtago sa likod ni Adira na wala namang nagawa dahil
hawak siya nito sa balikat at 'di hamak na mas malakas si Diesel kumpara sa kaniya.

"Crush ka ata non!" natatawang sabi ni Diesel. Inirapan ko lamang siya. May
dumating na mamahaling sasakyan na pumarada sa may tapat ng hall habang may
lumalabas na mga bisita mula sa loob. Some facilitators escorted the newly arrived
guests, probably the judges.

We went back to the art room, dahil paniguradong wala nang tao roon. Doon namin
napiling tumambay. Nakahiga lamang si Vivian sa sahig, habang inuunanan ang aking
hita. Adira was sitting beside me, tinuturuan si Diesel ng ukulele na mukhang hindi
naman niya matutunan. Raven was already sleeping.

"Si Dela Cueva pala iyong lalaki kanina," saad ni Vivian habang nakahiga at nagii-
scroll sa phone.

"Sino?" tanong ko ulit. Umupo muna siya at pinakita sa 'kin ang isang picture mula
sa Facebook page ng uni. There were three familiar guys, the boy I recognize the
most was in the middle. Hearthushed, that's their group name, with Maximilian Dela
Cueva being the vocalist. Isa iyong promotional photo dahil magpe-perform sila sa
isang event next month kasama ang ilang indie bands. Maxim. I remember now.

"That band name sounds really soft,"komento ni Diesel. Iyon ang pinag-usapan nila,
na minsa'y nakikitango na lamang ako.

"Sasama ka mamaya, Emma?" tanong ni Adira. Kumunot ang noo ko.

"Busy 'yan sa exhibit kaya baka nakalimutan niya na," saad ni Vivian at tumawa.

"Mamaya, may nagyayaya sa bar. Sumama ka na. Kina Diesel ka na lang makitulog,"
suhestiyon ni Addie. Tumango lamang ako. Wala na naman kasing gagawin.

Fifteen minutes before 5:30 ay bumalik kami papunta sa function hall dahil patapos
na ang judging. Si Vivian ay hindi mapakali. She badly wants the project offer or
the exemption. Alin man sa dalawa, mas maganda kung pareho.

Binuksan muli nila ang venue para sa mga gustong magtingin-tingin muli. We entered,
only to take several photos. Mag-aalas sais na nang tawagin kaming mga paticipants
at tinipon sa may gitna ng hall para sa announcement.

"Nasaan iyong kabuntot mo?" tanong ni Vivian habang nakakapit sa aking braso.
Ramdam ko ang lamig ng kaniyang mga daliri dahil sa pinaghalong lamig ng hall at sa
kaba.

"Sino?" tanong ko kahit na may ideya na ako sa tinutukoy niya.

"Si Revillanes," aniya, diretso ang tingin sa harapan. The anticipation is probably
killing her. Napangiti ako saglit dahil sa hitsura niya. I really do hope she wins
this one. Kahit hindi na ako, kahit siya na lang. Gustong-gusto niya talagang
manalo.

"Ewan ko lang," sagot ko at sinipat ang phone. It's almost six. Kanina pa ang awas
niya. Iwinaksi ko iyon sa aking pag-iisip. Maybe he's busy with academics. He
probably got caught with his requirements. Ayos lang, hindi naman siya required na
pumunta rito. I ignored the mixture of worry and bitter thoughts inside my head.
What for, Emmanuelle? Stop thinking. Walang dapat isipin.

NARINIG KO ANGmalakas na palakpak ni Diesel nang umakyat ako sa hindi kataasang

stage. Good thing hindi siya pinalabas. I stood beside the female judge. Sa kaliwa
ko ay ang aking gawa na nakalagay sa easel. Sa kabila non ay ang dalawa pang
judges. Third place isn't bad.

Of course, Vivian bagged the second, fourth and fifth place. Halos mangisay na siya
sa tuwa. Na-extend hanggang sa pang-pitong nanalo tuloy ang na-exempt sa exams
dahil sa kaniya. Aroganteng nakangisi si Raven sa pagkapanalo ng kapatid. Si Diesel
naman ay parang nagwawalang sea lion sa kapapalakpak.

Ibinalik sa displays ang mga nanalong piece. They opened the halls again for
visitors until 7 p.m. We spent the time with another round of photoshoots. Mayamaya
ay kaming tatlong babae na lamang ang naiwan dahil sabayna ang dalawang lalaki
papunta sa bar kahit maaga pa.

I was standing beside my work, sa harapan ni Adira na nakatingin sa screen ng phone

ko na hawak ni Vivian, nang mapansin na parehas silang napalingon sa likuran.
Kumunot ang noo ko at pasimple lamang na itinuro ni Adira ang bandang likuran.

I turned to see what they're pointing to. With his maroon button-down and dark
jeans, the pale pink and white bouquet of flowers he was holding stood out.
Nililibot niya ang tingin sa paligid, his painfully defined jaw making itself more
prominent with even the smallest movement of his neck. Brows slightly furrowed,
eyes curious and drowsy as he scanned the entirety of the function hall with its
dramatic lighting. Nang magtagpo ang aming paningin ay natigilan siya saglit ngunit
agad na ngumiti at lumapit.

"Sorry.... Nag-extend ang last prof ko and I got caught in traffic," diretso niyang
sabi at inabot sa 'kin ang bulaklak. Tiningnan ko lamang iyon nung una. The spray
roses and wax flowers were delicately arranged in a posy, wrapped with clear
cellophane-like paper with a white ribbon. The million star baby's breath made its
way in between of the bigger flowers. Nang makabawi ay tinanggap ko iyon.

My mind was blank. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. I kept on thinking what's the big deal
about this. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang meron, at kung ano ang sumapi sa aking
sistema na parang bigla na lamang akong nag-shut down at hindi makagana nang
maayos.

"Congrats," mahina niyang bulong. Because of his height, he crouched a bit just to
whisper on my hair. Tumango lamang ako. Mistulang namanhid ang aking labi at nanuyo
nang tuluyan ang lalamunan dahil hindi ako nakaimik. It's like all of my systems
were frozen.

"Pa'no mo nalaman?" mababa kong tanong. It's like all of my confidence flew out
somewhere really far! Why am I like this? Dahil lang ba 'to sa bulaklak? I'm
overreacting! It's just plain chivalry in modern age. Not a big deal.

"I just knew you'd win. Tama ako, 'no?" mapaglaro niyang sabi. Umiwas ako ng
tingin.

"Picture!" saad ni Vivian. I felt his hand behind me. Smile, Emmanuelle. You don't
want to look shitty in front of the camera. She showed a thumbs up right after
taking a shot.

I carefully touched the petals of the flowers. Maingat, pakiramdam ko'y isang
maling haplos ay masisira ito. Napalingon ako nang may marinig na shutter ng
camera, only to see Adonis grinning from ear to ear while holding his phone. Bago
ko pa malapitan at makita iyong picture ay iniwas niya na sa akin iyon.

"May pupuntahan kayo?" tanong niya. I nodded in response. Hindi ko maalis ang
tingin sa bulaklak na hawak. Magkano naman kaya ito?

"Where?" tanong niya at mas tumabi sa 'kin dahil marami pang pumapasok. Vivian and
Adira were both busy looking at the other works and taking photos. Wala silang
kasawaan.
"Bar daw sabi ni Diesel. Pupunta muna kaming apartment para magbihis. Baka kina
Diesel na ako matulog," sagot ko habang nilalaro pa rin ang mga bulaklak. Inangat
ko ang tingin dahil matagal siyang hindi nakaimik.

"Pwede ba akong sumama?" tanong niya na parang bata.

"H-Ha?" I can't imagine him being at a place like that. Tingin ko'y meron ngang may
birthday mamaya. 'Tsaka baka marami pa siyang gagawin. He doesn't seem like the
person who's used to this nightlife.

Nilingon niya ako at napansin ko ang pagseseryoso sa kaniyang mga mata. "Pwede
naman," sagot ko na lang. For a moment, I felt like he's mad about something. Ewan
ko kung saan.

"Ihahatid ko na lang kayo sa apartment mo. I'll go to Cho's dormitory nearby to

change clothes, tapos sunduin ko ulit kayo para ihatid. Then, I'd take you home,"
saad niya na parang nakaplano na iyon nang matagal na.

"Baka madaling araw pa kami matapos," I reasoned out. Ibig sabihin ay gagabihin o
uumagahin din siya ng uwi kung magkataon.

"I'll take you home, Emma," mas mariin niyang sabi. Nahimigan ko ang pagkapinal na
tono ng kaniyang boses.

"Kina Diesel na lang ako ma—"

"No," he growled. Napapikit siya nang mariin, as if he's in great pain and
frustration he can't do anything about. He gripped my elbow.

"I'm not letting you sleep there. Iuuwi kita. Kaya naman kitang iuwi kaya iuuwi
kita," matalim niyang sabi. Nagtangis ang kaniyang panga at dahan-dahan akong
binaba ng kaniyang mas matalim na tingin.

"Do you understand, Emmanuelle?" mariin niyang tanong.

Matapang ang kaniyang mga mata. There was not a single trace of softness with the
way he glares at me right now, na para bang bawal ako humindi.

"Do you understand?" pag-uulit niya, mas mahina ngunit mas lumapit siya. I felt the
tip of his nose on my ear. Wala sa sarili akong tumango.

"Good," aniya at ngumisi. It's as if he won a competition.

Pasimple akong bumuntong-hininga. Tila ba may dumudurog sa aking dibdib dahil sa

puso kong nagwawala at parang gustong tumakas sa loob ng aking katawan. My
fingertips felt numb as my cheeks felt warm. Nang pabalik na sina Vivian at Adira
ay hindi pa rin ako makakilos nang ayos.

Something's wrong with me.

Fuck, I don't like where this is going.

"Let's go," ani Adonis bago kami lumabas. His hand did not break the contact with
my frail body, like it's glued to that particular spot...like he owns it.

Napapikit ako nang mariin.

This is bad...really bad.

"Emmanuelle?" tawag niya sa akin na nagpabalik sa akin sa ulirat.

"Okay ka lang?" tanong niya. Bago pa niya mahawakan ang aking noo ay wala sa sarili
kong natampal ang kamay niya palayo. Saglit akong nabigla sa nagawa. Napansin ko
rin ang kaniyang gulat. I mentally sighed.

"A-Ayos lang. Tara na," saad ko at nauna sa sasakyan. Sa labas lamang ako
nakatingin sa buong biyahe. Adira and Vivian were busy with the photos.

Nang makarating ay agad na lumabas ang dalawa. I struggled to get out when I
realized that he locked the doors.

"You okay?" he softly asked, genuine concern laced his voice. Tumango ako.

"Let me out. Magbibihis ako. 'Tsaka naghihintay 'yong d-dalawa." I tried to keep my
voice composed. Kumunot ang noo niya.

I whispered a silent prayer that he would not touch me. I might break if he touches
me. My last string of rationality might leave me.

Hindi ko makuha ang sarili. So fucking shallow. So quick. So petty! Ano bang meron
ang lalaking 'to at ginaganito niya ako? God, he drives my heart and mind insane
for all the reasons I do not know of...or maybe, I just don't want to know.

Nagmamadali akong lumabas nang i-unlock niya ang pintuan. My fingers were trembling
as I inserted the key to my apartment. I couldn't see straight. Mistulang umiikot
ang aking paningin sa mga tumatakbo sa aking isip.

I know myself. Kaunti na lang. Kaunting-kaunti na lang.... Although, I have yet to

confirm whatever this growing thing inside my chest is. I just hope it's not a
monster, bound to kill me in the near future. I'm already damned as is. I don't
want to be ruined more.

Whatever this is, the flowers are blooming inside my ribcages, making me feel light
and confused at the same time. Whatever this is, it's making me an embodiment of
vulnerability and a beggar of hope. It felt like everything I wanted in life. Like
an endless garden of roses sprung out of my chest, travelled down to my stomach,
swarmed with uninvited butterflies, still confused whether to send them away or
just leave it as is and hope that maybe they'll go away by themselves in time.

Heavenly, representing all the sweet dreams that I may have longed for ever since I
forgot what adoration and love means.

It was dumb of me to forget that roses had thorns, too.

☽☾

Chapter 12

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti10
chapter ten

MY MIND WOULDN'T shut up and my body felt really heavy, like I was carrying the
weight of the heavens while my feet's burning in hell. My lungs felt too tight to
function as my breathing got cold with suffocation that I implanted inside my head.
Inside my own apartment, I felt like my limbs were tied and my movements were
restricted even if I'm with my two best girl friends. Sa 'di malamang dahilan ay
may pakiramdam akong mali na para bang may kasalanan akong nililihim sa kanila.

I felt like a prisoner in my own home. Alam ko namang wala akong nililihim kay
Adira at Vivian dahil wala naman akong dapat aminin, ni wala akong dapat aminin sa
sarili ko. I'm probably just confused.

This unfathomable sudden rush of ridiculous thoughts inside my head was annoying,
so I tried to shrug it off. I was carefully observing Vi and Addie. I mentally let
out a sigh of relief as I noticed that they're busy with their get-ups, too
occupied to notice my uneasiness.

Adira opted for a black short skirt, and a layered white turtleneck with a vibrant
red straight neck spaghetti top. Her gold chain belt emitted a blinding burnish
against her skin.

Vivian's tight all black outfit made her look like a sleek secret assassin, the
fabric hugging her confident curves into place. The bronze embellishments on her
several thigh belts matched the caramel glow of her naturally morena skin. They
were both occupied fixing their outfits and messing with my make-ups. Mabuti na
iyon para malabong mapansin nila ang pagkabalisa ko.

It looked like they prepared for this so damn well. Habang ako, ni hindi ako
makapag-isip nang tuwid. My mind is in haywire just because of that bouquet.
Nilingon ko iyon sa itaas ng aking cabinet. The pastel pink petals of the probably
expensive flowers were resting still against the dark mahogany wood. I tore my gaze
away from it before it traps me in ensorcellment that I'd find difficult to escape
from later.

There was a war inside my head. Dapat ba akong magsuot ng masyadong maiksi? Dapat
ba ay garbuhan ko rin? Can I even wear the usual clothes I wear? What if it's too
skimpy? Ewan! God, why am I stressing over this?!

I ended up with black shorts and a fitted plain white shirt. I knew it's going to
be cold on the way there and on the way home, so I picked up a black coat. I don't
know why I'm suddenly conscious about showing my skin. I matched it with a pair of
knee high leather boots to somehow cover my legs. With Vivian's help, I wore the
gothic harness that I have. Two horizontal parallel lines extended from the top of
my busts and my waist, another two vertical from my left and right shoulders, with
the ends clamped to the waistline of my shorts. My silver chains touched my thighs
as it hung from the belt loops.

Addie was the one who put on my make up. My mind was almost completely blank. Wala
talaga ako sa wisyo! I kept on looking on the pastel bouquet on top of my cabinet.
It's like Adonis put something there that makes me want to stare at it all the damn
time. Like it lures me in. Like it tells me something. Goddamn, I hate this.

The moment I heard a car engine and three honks from outside, my palms were
suddenly sweating. As an attempt to maintain my composure, I inhaled sharply.
Pinauna ko na ang dalawa sa sasakyan habang ako'y parang tangang kinakausap ang
sarili bago lumabas. Napamura ako nang nabitiwan pa ang padlock ng gate dahil sa
kaba na hindi ko naman alam kung saan nanggaling at bigla na lamang sumulpot

Come on, Emmanuelle.... It's not that deep. Ano bang iniisip ko dito? Why am I
suddenly making a big fuss about Adonis and his actions? It's probably just
nothing. It's just me and my overthinking head that's causing the haywire in my
mind. Even my demons were temporarily silenced. Panibagong ingay ang pumalit sa mga
ito.
I ignored the trembling of my knees as I entered his car. I kept my face straight
as if my heart was not wildly beating in between my probably almost cracking
ribcages. I can do this. Effortless, if I want to. I'm not an expert at pretending
for nothing.

Adonis glanced at me and started the engine. May kausap ata siya sa telepono; his
earphone on his right ear was blinking with blue light.

I thank all the heavenly creatures that I did not put any lipstick on. Sigurado
akong sira na iyon kung nagkataon dahil sa marahas kong pagkagat sa labi, halos
bugbugin na iyon.

First of, I knew Adonis looked good the first time I saw him, in all his formal
glory and proud stance, but tonight is different. Siguro'y gawa ng salaming suot
niya—the frame of his specs as dark as his eyelashes. It's my first time seeing him
wear glasses! It perfectly complimented his face shape, highlighting his string
nose bridge. There was a slight sheen on his top clothing, a plain satin cream
button-down, making him look like an expensive gift. Kung tutuosin ay simpleng-
simple lang siya, ngunit bawing-bawi naman sa tikas. Hindi ko alam kung saan galing
ang biglaang pagkairita ko. Basta nakakainis! Ano bang flaw nitong si Adonis? I
can't seem to see it, like it's close to non-existent. Ugh.

"I might not go home tonight," mahina niyang sabi sa kausap sa telepono. Hindi ko
maiwasan ang mapatingin sa kaniya. Sakto namang sumulyap din siya sa akin. Tumaas
ang pareho niyang kilay.

"Why?" he mouthed to me. Umiling lamang ako at lumingon sa bintana, halos isiksik
ko na ang sarili sa pinakasulok. Wala na akong balak ilihis ang aking tingin paalis
sa mga lumalabong puno. Adira and Vivian were still both busy with their phones.
Mukhang nasasanay na nga rin ang dalawang 'to sa presensya ni Adonis.

"No. I'll go home by noon, probably. I'm driving. Tawag ka mamaya," aniya. Napaisip
tuloy ako kung sino ang kausap niya. Imposibleng si Cho iyong kausap niya, kung
sinoman 'yon. Saan ba siya nauwi? Sa kanila? O may inuuwian na ba siyang iba? It
might be his mom...or his girlfriend. I don't know. I don't care! Bakit ko ba
iniisip?

Nang makarating ay napansin ko na agad ang parking lot na halos puno na. Sa likuran
at halos pinakadulo pa nakakuha ng pwesto si Adonis. Bahagyang madilim dito mamaya
dahil halos hindi mahagip ng liwanag ng poste ng ilaw.

"Puntahan ko lang si Ravi," saad ni Vivian at pinakita sa 'kin ang kaniyang phone
at usapan nilang magkapatid. I nodded. Hindi sinasadyang napalakas ang pagbagsak ko
sa pinto ng sasakyan niya. That made him look at me. Nakagat ko ang labi. Hindi ko
naman talaga sinasadya.

"Hinihintay ata tayo ni Diesel sa baba. 'Yong second floor ay nirentahan daw
ngcelebrant," Adira said while looking at her phone. Sumabay ako sa kaniya sa
paglalakad. Hindi ko rin maintindihan kung bakit hindi ako kumportable na iwan ang
kaibigan at kay Adonis sumama. It doesn't seem right....

Adonis did not speak a word but I still felt his presence. Kalmado pa ang Spades
kumpara sa estado nito kapag gabing-gabi na, ngunit sobrang dami na ng tao. Nahagip
ko Diesel sa may isang gilid na nagyoyosi. Hinigit iyon ni Adira mula sa kaniyang
labi at nilagay sa kaniya. Iniwas ko ang mukha sa usok na binuga ni Diesel. I saw
his sinister grin as the smoke left his lips. Napansin ko ang mabilis na pagpulupot
ng kaniyang braso sa bewang ni Adira.

"Sa taas daw, Emma," saad ni Diesel at tumalikod, nakakapit pa rin kay Addie.
Tinanguan ko lamang siya at tumingin dito sa lalaki sa likuran ko na nililibot ang
tingin sa paligid. O, ano'ng hinahanap niya?

"Sa taas daw," sabi ko kay Adonis. Napalingon siya sa 'kin. Tinalikuran ko siya
agad at naglakad nang mapansing susunod na siya.

Nahagip niya ang aking pulsuhan sa may hagdanan. Saglit akong natigilan ngunit
pinilit na makabawi.

I held my breath as I saw his eyes. Maamo. Malungkot. Nagtatanong. Bahagyang

nakasimangot ang kaniyang mga labi. For a moment, my eyes were fixated on his lower
lip, imagining how it would look like with a piercing.

"May problema ba tayo?" tanong niya at humakbang palapit. Sa dami ng tao ay

napasandal ako sa barandilya. His height towered over me in a protective manner.
Ang isang palad ay hinilig niya sa aking kaliwa, ang kanan ay nagpahinga sa aking
bewang. He did not even flinch with his swift movements. It's as if he's used to
doing this, like his hands are meant to do these to me—to affect me in a very
confusing manner.

"Wala naman," sagot ko, hindi makatingin sa kaniya. I fixed my gaze on the buttons
of his satin shirt.

"Emma naman. 'Yong totoo kasi...."

His hand temporarily left my waist. Tinapik ng kaniyang daliri ang aking baba. I
clenched my jaw as I met his eyes. Good God, help me.

"Look at me," utos niya. He used that tone again, iyong tipong mapapasunod ka
talaga. Bahagya pa akong nasilaw dahil 'pag tiningala ko siya ay nasasagi rin ng
liwanag ng ilaw ang aking paningin.

"Are we okay?" tanong niya. Mistulang kami lamang ang tao sa lugar na iyon, dahil
hindi nilisan ng kaniyang tingin ang aking mukha.

In my peripheral vision, I can see other people staring at us, like we're some
expensive artwork in Louvre. I grew uncomfortable with their—I presume—judging
stares. My fingertips wrapped around a small part of his shirt.

"Oo. Let's go, please?" I begged. Nagtiim bagang siya. Nilibot niya ang tingin sa
paligid. He must have noticed some familiar faces at the uni, and that most of
their attention was on us. The golden child and the rebel. How interesting, right?

"Okay," mababa niyang tugon. Again, his hand did not leave that particular spot in
my back as we walked. It felt like something was constricting my chest. Akala mo'y
may sumasakal sa 'kin dahil sa hirap na huminga. I can feel myself sweating
bullets.

Nagawi ang tingin ko sa mga inuming nasa lamesa. Mas marami na pa lang tao dito sa
taas. I saw how some people looked at Adonis like they were not expecting him. Of
course! It's the golden child of the Revillanes, the dream guy of the university's
female population!

Dinumog kami sa aming pwesto. Kasabay nito ang malakas na trap music at ang
pagsayaw ng neon strobe lights. A strong force made me slip out of Adonis' grip. I
hissed when my arm hit a thick metal pole. Nilingon ko kung sinong tumulak sa 'kin
ngunit hindi ko na malaman kung sino dahil kumpol na silang nagtatalunan at
naghihiyawan.
Adonis faded out of my sight. I struggled to keep my balance because of the wild
jumping of the people. Saglit akong humanap ng pwesto kung saan makakatayo ako nang
maayos. There's a pang of something unknown in my heart. Marubdob ang tibok ng
aking puso habang sinisipat ang dagat ng mga estrangherong nagsasaya ngayong gabi.

Bitterness crept through my throat, I tasted it in my mouth. Napatingin ako sa dami

ng babaeng mas magaganda, mas matatangkad, mas makikinis. I used to not mind their
presence at all. But, at the moment, I seem so aware of everything, even the
smallest details I shouldn't mind, and it all felt too much. Nanginginig nang
bahagya ang aking mga daliri. I couldn't take my eyes off the spot where we were
accidentally separated.

"Si Ayeon nandito raw." Pakiramdam ko'y nabali ang leeg ko sa marahas na paglingon
sa nagsalita. I saw two curvy girls, their milk skin barely covered by their skimpy
clothing. Naikuyom ko ang kamao. Ayeon, huh? They must be close, then.

Wala dapat akong pakialam. Right. Wala dapat akong pakialam. Fuck. Tangina. Wala
dapat akong pakialam.I chanted those words like a prayer, in hope for a miracle to
happen. Hindi ko alam ngunit may galit na nabubuhay sa aking loob—for myself, and
for this plethora of undefined emotions I know I should get rid of immediately.

"Miss? I hate to see people not enjoying my party."

Napalingon ako sa lalaki sa aking harapan. Namumula nang bahagya ang kaniyang leeg
marahil dahil nakainom. Inilahad niya sa akin ang isang kopita na may lamang kung
ano. I accepted it with shaky fingers. Do this, Emmanuelle.

I saw how his brow went up as soon as I accepted his offered drink. My eyes
expertly turned drowsy and seductive as I stared at him while I finish the whole
glass. Lalo lamang siyang napangisi sa aking ginawa. I need this. The alchohol.
This kind of fun.

This is what I am.

"Ikaw 'yong may birthday?" tanong ko. Sinikop ko ang buhok sa kaliwang balikat.
Nakita ko ang agad na paglipat ng kaniyang tingin sa aking leeg. Got him. That
easy. Men are so dumb.

"Yeah. Where's my birthday present?" mahina niyang tanong. My right foot took a
step back when he neared.

"Hmm. Ano bang gusto mo?" painosente kong tanong. Nakita ko ang pagpipigil niya ng
ngisi.

"Your name, please?" tanong niya. Saglit akong napapitlag sa biglaan niyang
paghapit sa aking katawan. His hand touched a particular spot of my back, the space
where his hand usually rests. Pinigilan ko ang sariling tanggalin iyon. Let it stay
there, Emma.

"Elle," sagot ko. People know me by several names. Tumango-tango siya. Hinagod niya
ang aking buhok at nilagay sa likuran ng aking tainga. Tuluyan akong napabitiw
dahil do'n. Shit.

"M-May pupuntahan lang," saad ko at agad na naglakad sa kabilang banda, hindi ko na

hinintay kung ano pa ang sasabihin niya. He's probably cursing me to death for all
I care.

Nakipagsiksikan ako sa dami ng tao. Hawak ko ang isang bote ng gin na balak kong
gawing kasama ngayong gabi. Dito lang ako kukuha ng lakas ng loob. I need to loosen
up. Why am I suddenly so out of character?

"Emmanuelle!"

Napalingon ako sa tumawag. Nanlamig ang aking katawan nang makita si Adonis sa
gitna ng maraming tao. My grip on the bottle tightened. He craned his neck, as if
looking for me. Nandilim ang aking paningin nang makitang bukas na ang dalawang
butones ng kaniyang satin na polo. His cheeks are also flushed and his hair was
wildly messed up. What the fuck, Adonis? Who's the bitch that did that to you?

Nagtagpo ang aming paningin kahit na bahagya kaming magkalayo. Saglit na nanlaki
ang kaniyang mga mata. I saw him held a girl by her shoulders to push her to the
side, with urgency but still careful. Hindi niya inaalis ang tingin sa 'kin habang
siya'y palapit nang palapit. Umigting ang kaniyang panga. Ang mga mata niyang akala
mo'y inaantok ay nanatiling diretso ang tingin sa 'kin, mistulang takot na mawala
ako sa kaniyang paningin. Naputol iyon nang may grupo ng babaeng lumapit sa kaniya.
Napatingin siya roon. I saw him muttering some words before looking at me again.
Tumalikod na ako.

Go enjoy, Adonis. Hindi ko hawak ang paghinga mo. And I should enjoy, too.

I knew he'd find me in this floor so I discreetly made my way to the first floor.
Dito ay sigurado akong hindi niya ako mahahagilap. Mabuti na lamang at nakita ko si
Diesel na may kasamang babaeng hindi ko kilala. Agad kong hinaklit ang kaniyang
braso at narinig ko ang lasing niyang tawa. This boy's damn wasted already? Nasaan
ba si Adira?

"Wooow. Pinag-aagawan ako?" wala sa sarili niyang sambit. We occupied a couch.

Nilapag ko ang bote ng gin sa lamesa at ginulo ang aking buhok. Bakit ba hindi na
lang si Addie o si Ravi ang nakasalubong ko? Bakit itong timang na si Diesel pa?
Wala naman akong mapapala 'pag ito ang kausap ko!

"Oh? What happened to the vixen that I know? Bakit mukha kang problemado?" nanunuya
niyang tanong. So nasa wisyo pa pala siya. Buti naman.

I only glared at him. Halata ko sa kaniyang mga mata na mukhang may ideya na siya.
Hindi ako sigurado ngunit malakas ang aking kutob. With his knowing look, I'm sure
he knows what's running inside my head, or at the very least, has an idea.

"Halika, doon tayo sa mga kakilala ko."

Diesel pulled me out of the seat and dragged me to a group of people in the center.
Inabutan niya ako ng inumin. Doon ko lang napansin si Adira na mukhang malalim ang
iniisip habang nakatitig sa bote.

"Forget for a moment. Next time mo na alalahanin 'yan," bulong niya. Without
thinking, I gulped it down in one shot.

Hindi ko rin naman matandaan ang pangalan ng mga nagpakilala sa 'kin. A foreign
song with smooth sexy beats suddenly played. Nakita kong natigilan si Diesel at si
Adira naman ay humagalpak ng tawa.

"Sayaw! Bilis! Alam mo 'yan 'di ba?"sabi nito, hindi ko mawari kung lasing ba o
ano. Diesel groaned when the crowd cheered for him. Adira was laughing her heart
out when Diesel stood at the center. Halos lahat ay nakatingin sa kaniya.

Ladies swarmed in Diesel's location. Saglit lamang si Diesel doon at mabilis na

umalis pagkatapos ng isang verse dahil ata sa hiya. Magaling naman sumayaw si
Diesel, 'di ko alam kung ano'ng kinahihiya niya. He immediately went to Adira's
direction and covered her phone's lens. Nanggigigil niyang pinisil ang ilong nito
ngunit may multo ng ngisi sa labi.

The neon lights made me dizzy. After some time and rounds of drinking, my vision
started to double. Hindi ako nabahala dahil si Diesel ang nakahawak sa aking bewang
sa gitna ng maraming estranghero dito. When I think everyone's affected by the
alcohol already, someone initiated a game. I don't know what game it was, ngunit
nakisunod na lamang ako sa biglaan nilang paghulma ng bilog. Katabi ko pa rin si
Diesel at isang lalaking hindi ko matandaan ang pangalan.

Diesel's laughter reverberated in my bones. Dinantay niya ang ulo sa aking balikat
habang pinanonood ang dalawang lalaking awkward na awkward sa ginagawa. Paano ba
naman kasi, one was supposed to kiss the person on his left. Malas na lang nila at
parehas silang lalaki sa bilog at pareho silang straight. Hindi ko napigilan ang
tawa nang halikan noong isa sa noo iyong mukhang diring-diring lalaki. Pabiro
silang nagbatuhan ng red cups na napulot nila sa sahig.

Hindi ko tinigilan ang alak. Diesel's with me. I'll be just fine. Nandiyan lang din
si Raven sa tabi-tabi. Sigurado akong bilang pinaka-mature ay hindi siya papayag na
hindi kami kumpleto mamayang uwian. I scrunched my nose when Diesel's enjoying what
the other girl beside him is doing to him. Demonyo talaga 'to, at lasing na lasing
na panigurado. Panay ang hiyawan ng mga tao sa aming bilog kaya marami-rami na ang
nakikiusyoso. Mabuti na lang din talaga at kahit ganito si Diesel ay siya ang
katabi ko. Paikot kasi ang laro, that's why it'd be him to kiss me.

He's almost stripping her naked wih his rough tugging on her halter top. It's like
they're having dry sex dahil sa laswa ng galaw nitong kaibigan ko. Him being a good
dancer added to his appeal. Nang maubos na ang inumin sa kaiyang collarbones na
ininom ng babae ay saka niya lamang binitiwan ang babae bago pumihit sa 'kin.
Walang sabi-sabi niyang pilit na hinigit ang aking coat. Nakita ko ang pagkunot ng
noo niya dahil hindi niya matatanggal iyon gawa ng harness na nakapatong.

"Stupid harness. Why do you wear these? Sa 'yo pala natutunan ni Addie na masuot ng
ganito," lasing niyang sabi. Kumunot nang saglit ang aking noo. I pressed the clasp
from the back and it immediately fell off my body and hung on my hips. Saka lamang
nailuwag ni Diesel ang aking coat, the left side slightly hanging off my shoulders.

Bahagya akong nakiliti sa lamig ng likido na tumama sa aking balikat. He slightly

pulled my arm up so that the vodka would stay in the hollow of my collarbones.
Lumakas ang hiyawan nang yumuko si Diesel para sipsipin iyon. Bahagya ko siyang
hinampas sa balikat dahil sa kiliti.

His lips smoothly travelled towards my neck. Napakapit ako sa kaniyang leeg dahil
sa paghapit niya sa aking likuran papalapit sa kaniya. I felt the remaining liquor
flow on my shirt. His shoulders slightly shook in laughter. My laughter faded when
he released me from his grip and amidst the darkness and blurring vision, a pair of
soft light brown eyes met mine. It's as if the people made way for him just so he
can see me. Nanlamig ako sa kaniyang seryoso at galit na tingin. He craned his neck
to the left and clenched his jaw. I saw the violent movement of his Adam's apple as
he shotdaggers to Diesel.

Lumakas ang musika kaya naman lalong nagkagulo at nawarak na ang bilog. I heard the
guy beside me ranting because he didn't get his turn. Hindi ako makagalaw sa aking
pwesto at hindi mawala ang tingin ko sa kaniya. His serious glares shifted to me
and never left me even for a millisecond.

Napatingin si Diesel sa aking tinatanaw. Dahan-dahang lumuwag ang kapit niya sa

aking katawan. "Oops," mapaglaro niyang sabi at tuluyan akong binitiwan nang nasa
harapan na mismo namin si Adonis.
His eyes were drowsy yet I can feel the instensity of his deadly leer. Mabilis
niyang inayos ang aking coat at hinigit sa may braso. "Pahiram muna," mariin niyang
sabi.

My demon of a friend grinned. Saglit niya akong nilingon na may nanunuyang ngisi.
Tinanguan niya si Adonis. "Sige. Ibabalik mo ha?" mapaglaro nitong sabi. I heard
Adonis scoff. He did not say a word anymore and just pulled me out of that area.

My chest hurt with all the ridiculously wild pounding of my heart as we approached
the exit. Nang makalabas ay hindi pa rin siya umiimik. He dragged me until we
reached his car. Doon niya lamang ako binitiwan.

Napapitlag ako nang hampasin niya ang hood ng kaniyang kotse. He growled and messed
with his hair before facing me. Napababa ang tingin ko sa aspalto.

"Now don't you dare give me that attitude, Emmanuelle. Tumingin ka dito. Tingnan mo
ako," matigas niyang sambit. Saglit kong inangat ang tingin. The light barely
illuminated his face, half of his face covered by the shadows. Aninag ko ang
pagkapula ng kaniyang balat. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa alak o sa galit niya
ngayon. I could see the creases on his satin polo. Hanggang sa bahagya niyang
kitang dibdib ay gumapang ang pagkapula.

"I said, eyes here." My reflexes made me took a step back when he lounged forward.
Naging sunod-sunod iyon dahil sa bigat ng kaniyang hakbang palapit. I yelped when
he roughly grabbed the chains hanging on my belt loops, his calloused palm slightly
brushing my thigh.

"You're not running away again," mababa niyang sabi. It was easy for him to make my
frail body lean on the hood of his car. Naramdaman ko ang lamig ng bakal na katawan
nito sa maliit na parte ng aking hitang walang balot.

"Bakit mo ako tinakbuhan?" tanong niya, mas malumanay ngayon. His whiskey-tainted
breath fanned my cheeks.

"What?" nagmamaang-maangan kong sabi. "I didn't...tinawag lang talaga ako ni

Diesel," pagsisinungaling ko. His eyes shut tight with the mention of my evil
friend's name.

"And so? I could have been with you, still! Something's wrong, Emmanuelle. Don't
fool me. Sa exhibit pa lang ay iba na ang kilos mo." He let out a sigh. With his
swift movements, his arms were suddenly around me, shielding me from the night
breeze. I felt the tip of his nose above my ear. He slowly swayed to an imaginary
tune of lulling music.

"Come on.... Did I do something wrong?"

His words were enough to make my knees weak. Napansin niya siguro iyon dahil sa
biglaan kong pagkapit sa kaniyang damit. Saglit siyang humiwalay sa kaniyang
mahigpit na kapit sa 'kin. Nagtatanong ang kaniyang mga mata. Fuck. I don't think
I'm strong enough to handle him like this.

Agad akong umiling. "Wala, a..." saad ko at ngumisi. He didn't look content with my
answer, but nonetheless, he nodded.

Mistulang may switch na pinindot sa kaniya at bumalik sa pagiging seryoso ang

kaniyang hitsura. "What were you doing with Diesel?"

Kumunot ang noo ko, kunwari'y nagtataka. Deep inside, I'm already nervous to the
core. He saw what we did! "Nothing. Just plain games,"sagot ko.

Tumango-tango siya. His right hand stretched to comb the messed up hair on my side.
"Really now?" I can tell he's gritting his teeth because of the movements of his
jaw.

"Oo nga. Diesel's my friend. It's no big deal." I answered. His hand smoothly
travelled to my waist. My breathing hitched when he breathed on my neck.

"So you let him do that? Kahit si Raven?"

My fingers were trembling as his warm breath softly touches my neck. Napalunok ako.
"Yes. Sometimes." Maliit ang boses ko sa pagsagot. Otomatikong napataas ang aking
kamay para pigilan ang kaniyang dibdib na lumalapit sa akin. He let the tip of his
nose run on my neck.

"We're friends too, aren't we?" he asked, his sinful lips finally brushing against
my skin with every word he said. Pinalalapat niya iyon sa bawat kibot ng kanyang
labi sa tuwing siya'y nagsasalita.

It felt like my heart was going to burst. Napakagat ako sa ibabang labi. No,
Adonis. Don't do this.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. It's as if he was waiting for that nod because the
moment I gave it, he planted a soft kiss on my neck. Ang mga palad kong pumipigil
sa kaniyang dibdib ay unti-unting nanghina at bumagsak. I gripped on the glossy
fabric of his shirt, my fingers struggling to keep still on the silky material, as
his wet kisses travelled to my ear. Halos kuyumusin ko na iyong damit niya.

Halos malagutan ako ng hininga nang patakan niya ng halik ang pagitan ng aking buto
sa balikat. He planted three more sinful kisses on the dip between my prominent
collarbones, paakyat muli sa aking leeg. His large hand reached for my balled fists
which are holding on to his shirt like my life depended on it. He caressed it
softly and slightly tugged it to remove my grip on him. Hindi niya pinakawalan ang
kamay ko nang tuluyang maialis iyon.

"Remember this tomorrow, Emmanuelle. Remember this," mababa niyang sabi habang
nilalandas ng kaniyang labi ang aking leeg.

☽☾

Chapter 13

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti11
chapter eleven

I COULDN'T FUCKING focus and I hate myself. God, I hate myself. I couldn't focus on
my job right now and it's annoying. Kanina pa nanginginig ang aking mga daliri
habang gumuguhit. Padabog kong binagsak ang lapis at binaon ang mukha sa aking
throw pillow. I am in the studio, working on Maxim's request. I have to pass him a
draft by the end of this week at wala pa ako ni katiting na nasisimulan. It's all
because of that stupid guy named after a mortal character from the tales of the
Greeks.

Inis kong hinatak ang tela ng damit na suot. It was sticking to my figure because
of its fabric and it's a damn turtleneck. I am fucking sweating because of this
cursed tropical country's weather. Iritableng-iritable na ako dahil ang ayaw ko sa
lahat ay nagagahol sa deadlines ng trabaho. This is professional work. This is
supposed to be my training. How the hell will I get offers kung ngayon pa lang na
simpleng draft ay hindi ko magawa at baka ma-late pa ako sa deadline?

Sino ba naman kasi ang buang na magsusuot ng makapal na turtleneck sa ganitong

panahon? But it's not like I have a choice! May pupuntahan pa ako mamaya at hindi
nila pwedeng makita ang mga marka sa aking leeg.

Putangina talaga, Adonis. Kikitilan kita ng buhay sa susunod na makita kita.

Isinusumpa ko iyan.

Dahil hindi ko ata talaga matatagalan ang ganitong damit ay pumunta muna ako sa
kwarto at kumuha ng maluwag na t-shirt para pansamantalang isuot.

I looked at myself in the mirror. My reflection showed my pale skin and the
crawling verbenas on my neck. Sugary bruises like dried periwinkles rested near my
pulse points, proud and with no signs of shame, just like the person who did this
to me.

Walang hiya ka talaga, Adonis. 'Wag kang magpapakita sa 'kin.

Hindi ako nakaimik nang mga panahong iyon. Something inside me tingled with the
flickers of his sinful tongue against the crevices of my neck. His large hand
grabbed the chains hung on my belt loops as he pulled me closer to his body. Our
warmth was morphing into inexplicable heat. I almost whimpered when he harshly made
me sit on the hood of his car, placing himself in between my legs. My drunk self
wanted to get rid off the remaining space between us, but he kept on maintaining
it, a sign that his mind is still in control. Nectar from his eager mouth left
small puddles on my neck, quickly getting dry and leaving my skin sticky and
grateful for all the wrong reasons.

"Stop...." I closed my mouth shut when I sounded way too different, not even sure
if I meant what I said. "You're drunk, Adonis!"

Saglit siyang tumigil. "Oh, I'm drunk, alright. Your scent is addicting."

I LET MY eyelids fall, like crimson curtains at the end of a Shakespearean tragedy,
forcefully shutting down the images from two nights ago. Two damned nights! Ang
tagal na! Hindi lang talaga ako maka-move on.

AFTER WHAT HE shamelessly did, he just let go of my weak body. Napamura siya nang
malakas bago ako dahan-dahang ibinaba. Ni hindi na niya ako tiningnan. Mabilis
niyang binuksan ang pinto ng shotgun seat at pumasok sa driver's seat na akala mo'y
may lakad dahil sa pagmamadali. What the hell?

His lips were glistening with crushed and crystalline honey and were as red as his
neck. Kunot na ang kaniyang noo habang nagmamaneho, seryoso at hindi na ako muling
nililingon. Napairap ako. Now he's getting all shy and back to being prim and
proper again?

"Bakit ganiyan ang suot mo?" tanong ko. He bit his lip and it slowly formed a pout.

Who knew that those innocent looking pair of crimson temptation knows how to do
wonders?

"I don't know. May humaklit," mahina niyang sagot. "Natanggal 'yong butones,"
dagdag niya.

Nasapo ko ang aking noo. Wow, ha! Hindi naman masyadong hayok ang mga babae kay
Adonis, ano? Talaga namang sinulit nilang naroon siya kanina. I couldn't blame
them, though. Ayan na at nakahain ang regalo ng Diyos, bakit pa sila tatanggi?

Tumigil kami sa tapat ng aking apartment. The drive was really quick and eerily
silent. Bababa na ako at lahat-lahat ay hindi pa rin niya ako tinatapunan ng tingin
kahit saglit.

"Hoy," pagtawag ko sa kaniya. He shut his eyes tight and clenched his jaw, diretso
pa rin ang kaniyang tingin sa kalsadang madilim. His knuckles almost turned white
by the way he's gripping the steering wheel.

"Go inside," aniya at narinig ko ang pag-unlock ng pinto.

"Why are you suddenly so awkward?" tanong ko.

Marahas ang kaniyang paghinga. Umiling lamang siya. "I'm not," pagtanggi niya.

Dahil alam ko namang hindi niya aamining nahiya siya sa pinaggagagawa niya kanina,
ipinag-kibit-balikat ko na lamang iyon at nilisan ang kaniyang sasakyan. Hindi ko
na siya nilingong muli hanggang sa makapasok sa aking apartment.

IT'S BEEN TWO nights at ako naman ang hindi mapakali at makalimot ngayon. I would
have completely shrugged this off if only he did not leave hickeys on my neck! They
were not really painful, but against my skin, they were very obvious and there's a
lot of them. Sinubukan ko na itong lagyan ng concealer ngunit hindi kaya. I need a
colour corrector at hindi naman ako makabili sa mall dahil nga sa commissioned
draft na kailangan kong ipasa. Bukod pa roon, nanghihinayang ako sa gastos. Maybe
I'll just wait for a week or two.

Talagang may pa-remembrance pa siya, ha? If only there were no bleeding plum
puddles on my skin, I would have completely forgotten about it. It's normal for me.
It was a shock at first, of course. Si Adonis 'yon, e—the ever famous golden child.
I didn't know he had that side. Isa pa, it was...consensual. It was fine with me.
It's not like my neck is virgin or whatever.

Sa kaniya...I'm not sure, though. Judging by the way he acted after that unexpected
session, I'm pretty sure he's still trapped with the memories from that night.
Bahala siya. I already warned him that he's gonna be fucked up real bad if he
starts being friends with me. He might be a whole new different person after some
months. Who knows?

I went back to work. Maxim wanted the design for Hearthushed's logo. The band
wanted it to be a battle between angst and softness, and that was a challenge. They
also wanted me to incorporate the vintage feels since it would match their music.
Kaya naman logo at branding pa lamang ay nahihirapan na ako. Maxim promised me that
the cover art would be easier, and they want florals and impressionism art
combined, which means we also have to do a photoshoot for that. Hindi ko iyon
forte, but then I can try. I have my DSLR resting on my cabinet back at the
apartment. Inaagiw na ata 'yon.

By around two o' clock, I was done with the
ang designs. Maxim told me that he does not
observation, for an indie band that I'm not
o kumikita, mapera sila, or maybe it's just
pockets. Hindi sila nanghihinayang gumastos
passion talking.
typography. Kulang na lang e puliduhin
need a digitalized copy yet. In my
even sure kung lagi ba silang natugtog
the members' money from their own
dahil para sa kanila iyon. It's their

Ang una nilang offer sa 'kin ay pitong libo na tinanggihan ko. I wouldn't price
them that high, considering that it's not for selling purposes. Isa pa, mahirap ang
kanilang pinagagawa dahil lang sa hindi ako sanay sa estilong gusto nila, but when
I actually think deeper about it, it's pretty easy. Nagkasundo kami sa tatlong
libo. Well, at least me and Maxim's two bandmates. Maxim stood firm on his seven
thousand offer. Mukha namang rich kid iyon kaya siguro ganoon.

I scanned my draft and immediately sent it to him via e-mail. After that, I changed
back into my annoying black turtleneck and fixed my checkered skirt. Pagkatapos ay
pinatay ko na lahat ng appliances at sinarado ang studio. Kumukulo na ang tiyan ko
sa gutom. I lost track of time again.

Napaawang ang aking labi nang nasa kalahati pa lang ako ng hagdan. Matapos din ng
dalawang araw niyang mirakulong hindi pagpaparamdam ay nasa tapat siya ng printing
shop sa baba. Napakurap-kurap pa ako dahil baka nagkakamali ako ng tingin at
namamalikmata lang.

But no, it's really him! He's not sporting his usual button-down, just a black
shirt from a local streetwear brand and some plain cargo shorts. And he's not with
his luxury car...prente siyang nakaupo sa big bike na dala niya at may binabanggit
na salita, marahil ay kausap iyong matandang lalaki sa printing shop.

Dahan-dahan akong bumaba. Saglit siyang napatigil sa pakikipag-usap sa may-ari ng

printing shop at napalingon sa 'kin. His skin immediately turned into a field of
strawberries under orange daylight. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa aking leeg ngunit
mabilis na iniwas. What is he doing here?

"O.... Heto na pala si Emma. Ingat kayo!" saad ng matanda. Pilit akong ngumiti sa
kaniya bago lapitan si Adonis. Ano'ng ginagawa niya dito? Kanina pa ba siya?

He blinked as he fixated his gaze on the handle of the motorcycle. Ayaw niya akong
tingnan. My eyes rolled upwards with his actions.

"What are you doing here?" tanong ko. Tinagilid niya ang kaniyang ulo at hindi pa
rin ako nilingon.

"I was here during lunchtime. Hindi ka bumababa. I figured you were either busy or
sleeping so I didn't...bother to knock," sagot niya.

So he waited here since 12 noon? Katirikan iyon ng araw! Ngayon nga e maaraw pa!
Baka mamaya e ma-heatstroke siya sa init. Ako nga na nasa studio at may electric
fan na ay binabanas, siya pa kaya na dalawang oras na ditong nasa labas?

"O, ano'ng sadya mo?" mataray kong sabi. I did not even feel his ghost for two
nights tapos nandito siya bigla?

He sighed. Ginulo niya ang kaniyang buhok. "Lunch?" he asked with a small voice,
hopeful and a little sad.

Napapalatak ako. "Hindi ako pwedeng sumakay diyan, nakapalda ako," saad ko. Mataas
ang kaniyang sasakyan. Mahihirapan ako lalo.

He let out a sigh. Bumaba siya rito. I saw how his arm muscles flexed as he guided
his motorcycle under the shade of a tree nearby. Pagkatapos ay tinakbo niya ang
aming distansya.

"We'll commute," aniya. He then looked at my black turtleneck, particularly on some

spots on my neck. Nanumbalik sa 'kin ang dahilan kung bakit ganito ka-hindi
kumportable ang suot ko. I immediately punched his chest. To his shock and possibly
sudden waves of pain, he stepped back clutching that area.
"Tangina mo," malutong kong sabi at mabilis na naglakad palayo. I heard him
groaning, then the shuffling of his shoes against the road. Hinagip niya ang aking
braso at hinarap sa kaniya, his other hand still caressing the spot I punched
without warning.

"What? Ano'ng ginawa ko?" he asked, still in a state of horror and traces of
unsettlement were recognizable on his face.

"How dare you leave hickeys on my neck!" mariin kong sabi. Bahagyang napaawang ang
kaniyang labi. "Ikaw na nga ang nag-enjoy, ikaw pa perwisyo!"

I walked away from him. Syempre, agad naman siyang sumunod. He was all sweaty and
panting...and still clutching his chest. Masakit ba masyado 'yung suntok ko? Well,
I felt his bones at nasaktan din naman 'yung kamao ko....

"I'm sorry, okay?" hingi niya ng dispensa. Nang umalis ang kamay niya sa kaniyang
dibdib ay nagpakawala siya ng buntong-hininga. That hand of his immediately took
its place on the usual part of my back.

"But...meron nga?" bulong niya. Kumusot ang aking mukha at dahan-dahan siyang
tiningala. He was sort of leaning on me, eyes blinking like an innocent kitten.
What the hell, Adonis?

"You think I'm lying?"maarte kong saad at siniko nang mahina ang kaniyang
tagiliran. Mahina lang. Baka mamaya ay 'di ko makontrol at magkabali-bali na ang
buto nitong si Adonis, o kaya ay magkapasa. Sugurin pa ako ng fans club niya.

We went to the nearest mall. Habang kumakain ay ramdam ko ang maya't mayang pag-
angat ng kaniyang tingin. Tumaas ang kilay ko. He kept on staring on my covered
neck like he wanted to burn the fabric of my shirt.

"Quit staring," saway ko. He pouted like a kid before going back to eat. Napairap
ako nang mahuli ko siyang pasimpleng tumitingin pa rin.

I seriously do not know where to go. Si Adonis naman ay sumusunod lamang sa 'kin,
keeping his distance for about a meter or two behind me. Hindi ko na lamang iyon
pinansin. He's still awkward—probably remembering what happened that night.
Maybe...that's his first time?

Kumunot ang noo ko. A guy that good-looking and no girlfriend? At all? Imposible.
Girls come running after him. He's got a harem and he's not even aware.

Adonis looked like he has his future laid out before his eyes. Nakaplano, Tila
sigurado sa kung saan pupunta at ano ang daang tatahakin. He'll probably graduate
early, then be offered a job by some big time company. Or maybe, he'll work for
their own businesses. He can even get to politics if he wants. With Adonis' light
as a petal type of life, abot-kamay halos lahat. Although, I do not want to
invalidate his hard work. He seems determined.

Nilingon ko siya. Tumaas ang kilay ko nang makitang wala sa sarili siyang
naglalakad at nakatingin lamang sa aking likod. He blinked slowly, eyelashes
dramatically fanning as if he's sleepy, before catching up with our distance. His
hand glued against that particular spot on my back.

"Bakit?" Namamaos ang kaniyang boses na nagtanong. Tumikhim siya.

Dinampot ko iyong polo na tingin ko'y babagay sa kaniya. Itinapat ko iyon sa

kaniyang katawan. He was stiff as a statue as I scrutinized the clothing. Hmp.
Lahat naman ata babagay sa kaniya. Kahit sako pa ang ipasuot ko dito kay Adonis,
habulin pa rin siya.

Ibinalik ko na lamang iyon sa rack. I was about to walk away when he quickly
grabbed my wrists. Nilingon ko siya at nakitang tinitingnan iyong damit na binalik
ko.

"You...want me to wear this?" tanong niya, eyes slowly drifting to my direction.

Nagkibit-balikat ako. He sighed. Agad na lumapit iyong saleslady na mukhang may
bituin sa mata dahil sa pagniningning non habang nakatingin sa lalaking 'to.

"I'll get this one," saad ni Adonis. His other hand reached for the polo. "Same
size."

Kinuha iyon ng staff na mabagal ang kilos. I tried to pull my arm ngunit hindi niya
iyon pinakawalan. Mabilis akong dinungaw ng kaniyang matalim na tingin.

"Dito ka lang. Pumirmi ka, Emmanuelle. I can't risk you running away again," mababa
niyang sabi. Sumimangot ako. Ang OA lang talaga nito. I'll just look at the
sweaters!

"Titingnin lang akong damit, Adonis," marahan kong sabi. He took a sharp breath and
slowly let go of my wrists. Mariin siyang pumikit.

"Okay...." pagsuko niya. My brows furrowed with his actions.

Sinadya kong magtago sa isang rack ng malalaking sweaters na panlalaki. I was

peeking at his direction. Inaabot na sa kaniya ng saleslady iyong nakabalot na
stock ng damit. Malikot ang kaniyang leeg, papaling-paling. Balisa siyang
naglalakad habang pinapasadahan ng tingin ang lugar, naghahanap ang mga maamong
mata.

Napagdesisyonan kong magtago na lang. Pagti-trip-an ko siya kahit ngayon lang.

Umisod pa ako sa kabilang panig ng racks hanggang sa makarating ako sa kabilang
banda at ang likod niyang tumatakbo habang naghahanap na lamang ang aking
natatanaw. Ang isa niyang palad ay nakakuyumos sa kaniyang buhok. Nahugot ko ang
hininga nang luminga siya. His eyes were cold and dangerous, like a murderer.
Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang naglakad siya palayo, nagkamali ng daang tinahak,
palayo sa akin.

Hanggang sa mayamaya lang ay 'di ko na siya nakita. I just shrugged it off. Kaya ko
namang umuwi mag-isa. I was window shopping when my phone chimed.

Adonis:
San ka? Pakita ka na. :(

Tinanggal ko ang lollipop sa bibig. Magre-reply ba ako o hindi?

Ngunit naalala ko ang paghihintay na ginawa niya sa baba ng studio. Gumapang ang
awa sa aking sistema. I suddenly felt guilty. That sad face on his text didn't help
lessen the negative feeling towards myself.

Emmanuelle:
Let's just meet. Hintayin mo ko sa bookstore.

Mabilis pa ata sa liwanag ang kaniyang pagre-reply. I scoffed with his simple 'Okay
po, Ma'am :D.' Since when was he fond of using emojis? Hindi talaga halata sa
hitsura niya.

I can already imagine Adonis in a fine suit, a wineglass on his hand, all prim and
proper and standing proud, while socializing with other business tycoons all over
the Asia. His hooded eyes remain serious as he talks, lips barely curving upwards
as he smiles, still corporate and professional. Then, a fine lady would be by his
side...of course, someone who is not me. I can't even fathom how that would happen—
having him beside me. It's very unlikely. Tumataas ata ang balahibo ko sa batok
iniisip pa lang. Ew. No.

Mula sa second floor ng bookstore ako nanggaling. I was walking down the staircase
when I caught sight of him. Hindi siya mahirap makita dahil sa kaniyang tangkad. He
was holding a book, reading its gist. Napatigil ako sa paglalakad nang may nakitang
babaeng lumapit sa kaniya. Adonis' brows shot up with recognition.

The girls seemed like she's Chinese, but that's just based on my stereotyping and
observation. Mabagal ang aking lakad, mata'y patuloy na pinanonood sila. Adonis was
talking, but his gaze was fixed on the book he's holding. Natatawang hinampas ng
babae ang kaniyang braso. My stare lingered at that spot for a moment.

The girl looked like the girl he was with before. Ano nga ulit ang pangalan non? He
told me that that girl was just his cousin. Itong isang 'to? Pinsan niya rin? Aba,
ang laki naman ata ng pamilya nila masyado. And it's just pure coincidence that he
meets his cousins in this mall?

She had small face and glowing porcelain skin. Her eyes were chinky and her smile
was wide. Halos wala siyang make-up na suot. I cannot help but compare myself with
her. Wala sa sarili akong napakapa sa mga studs sa aking tainga. Simpleng puting t-
shirt at denim shorts lang ang suot niya, and she looks like she's running for a
pageant with those black pumps! Iyong pam-Binibining Pilipinas. 'Di ba't gan'an ang
suot ng mga tao do'n? I'm not sure if it's shorts or jeans, though.... Still, she
flaunted her long skinny legs. Mukha siyang mannequin.

The sounds of my boots probably caught Adonis' attention. Napatigil siya sa

pagsasalita at nilingon ako. That made the girl look at me, too. Saglit itong
natigilan ngunit mabilis na ngumiti. I felt bad for not being able to smile back at
her.

"T-Tara na?" aya ko kay Adonis. His stare stayed at me for a moment before quickly
putting back the book on the shelf and walking towards, completely ignoring the
pretty lady beside him.

"Sorry, Liju. I have to go. We can talk about it at school," seryoso niyang sagot.
Inayos ng babae ang kaniyang bangs at tumango, nakangiti pa rin. She gave me a
small wave, but I can't even find the strength to move the muscles of my face.
Hindi ako makangiti. I swallowed the bile in my throat. Unti-unting napawi ang
ngiti niya at kumunot ang noo. I felt bad, like reallybad, for ignoring her genuine
gestures. Adonis held me by my shoulders and carefully guided me towards the exit.

He didn't talk until we got inside my apartment. 'Di ko alam pa'no niya iuuwi 'yong
motorsiklong hiniram niya lamang ata. He did not utter a single word on the way
home, but he carefully held my hand. Nang makauwi ay pumasok siya sa loob na akala
mo'y doon din siya nakatira. Wala akong pakialam at dire-direstong pumunta sa
kwarto at sumalampak sa kama.

I felt lightheaded, yet my chest was heavy. My mind was blank as a dark wave kept
on pushing my rational thoughts to the back of my head.

Mayamaya lamang ay naramdaman ko ang paglundo ng kama. Bahagya ko siyang nilingon

na nakaupo sa may paanan. He reached for my ankles until I felt him removing my
boots. Lumundo ulit ang kama sa pag-angat ng kaniyang bigat. He went in front of
me, to the side where I was facing, and crouched. His fingers expertly shoved the
hair out of my forehead.

"What's wrong?" mahina niyang tanong. Hinigpitan ko ang yakap sa unan. Hindi ko
alam. He sounded so mellow and caring, tono pa lamang ng kaniyang pananalita ay
parang maiiyak na ako.

Umiling lamang ako. He sighed. Kinwadro niya ang aking mukha. "You...do not like me
talking to Liju? Is that it? Tell me."

Doon ako tuluyang umiling. No, it's not that. He let go of my cheeks and I sat on
my bed. Tumabi siya sa akin habang nag-aabang ng matinong sagot.

"She..." Hindi ko matuloy-tuloy ang aking sasabihin. I felt him snuggling closer,
his arm wrapping around me, making me lean on his chest. Binaon niya ang kaniyang
ilong sa aking buhok.

"It's okay if you don't want to tell me—"

"She reminded me of my sister."

I felt him stiffening. He only hummed, a cue for me to continue. Marahil ay alam na
naman niya may kakambal ako. I told him before. That's the sole reason we became
friends. He knows one of my secrets and sins—the murder I committed before.

"And how jealous I was of her. And how I still am.... Parang kahit anong gawin ko
hindi talaga ako magiging si Emmarie. Bakit gano'n, 'di ba? We're twins! Bakit
hindi na lamang ako katulad niya?"

He cut me off by hushing me. Hindi ko namalayan ang biglaang pagtulo ng aking mga
luhang tila nag-uunahan sa pagbagsak. Inugoy niya nang bahagya ang sarili habang
ang isang kamay ay kinulong na rin ako sa kaniyang bisig. His warmth filled me in.

In between his rose-vines entangling me like this, it felt like Eden, like the
comfort of the rising sun after a night of storms.

"You're you, Emmanuelle. I don't want you to be somebody else. You're fine as you
are. Fuck those who tell you otherwise," mababa niyang sabi.

We stayed like that for a few more minutes, until my tears dried out. Mayamaya ay
naramdaman kong inaamoy niya ang aking buhok. "Do you have anything to eat in your
fridge? Magluluto ako.... Magbihis ka muna," aniya. Tumango ako. I have stocks for
the whole month.

"I don't want to eat rice," saad ko nang makatayo siya. Kakakain ko lang ng kanin
kanina.

"Pasta?" tanong niya habang nakahawak sa doorknob. Tumango ako. He gave me a small
smile before leaving and closing the door.

I took my time inside the bathroom. I was feeling all sweaty and disgusting due to
that damn turtleneck. Isa pa, nagluluto pa naman si Adonis kaya ayos lang iyon. I
changed into my pajamas and a regular relaxed fit white shirt.

Nilingon ko ang sariling repleksyon sa salamin. The hickeys on my neck weren't

fading. Streaks of plum were still violently bleeding through my skin. Bahala na.
Si Adonis lang naman ang makakakita. At isa pa, siya rin naman ang may gawa niyan.

I was about to go out when he knocked. Pinagbuksan ko siya ng pinto at nakitang

bitbit niya ang isang malaking plato ng carbonara. Napaawang ang kaniyang labi nang
dumako sa aking lantad na leeg ang kaniyang tingin. I rolled my eyes heavenwards.
Para siyang batang first time makakita ng ganito. Or maybe...first time nga? I
highly doubt it, though. He seemed so skilled that night.

Iwinaksi ko iyon nang maradaman ang pag-iinit ng pisngi. God, why was I thinking
about that? And what skills? Hindi lang talaga maka-move on, Emma? Parang ako pa
ata 'yung first time!

I sat on my bed. Inilapag niya muna sa maliit na lamesa iyong plato. He was gulping
hard, and he was shamelessly staring at my bare neck. Tumabi na siya sa akin at
lahat-lahat, nandoon pa rin ang tingin niya na akala mo'y kinakausap iyon.

"I...did that?" tanong niya na parang bata. I only gave him a weird look. Anong
klaseng tanong 'yon?

"Sino pa ba?" I deadpanned. His tongue swiped his lower lip. Napalunok siyang muli.

"Can I touch it?" Kumunot ang aking noo. Bago pa man ako makapag-react ay nahuli na
ng kaniyang palad ang aking leeg. I held my breath as his calloused palms touched
my fragile skin. Mistulang sinasakal niya ako ngunit walang diin at rahas. I felt
his thumb tracing the hickeys on my neck as his hand stayed there.

"They look really good on you. Like...really pretty...." mabagal niyang ani. I
blinked. Sa lapit niya ay kita ko ang detalye ng kaniyang mukha. From those
dramatically heavy lashes almost giving my cheeks butterfly kisses, and irises
screaming unadulterated adoration.

"P-Pretty ka diyan!" saad ko para mabawasan ang tensiyon, hindi ko alam kung sa
aming dalawa o baka sa akin lamang. The way he's carefully gripping my neck sent
uninvited dirty thoughts in my mind. Kasalanan talaga 'to ni Diesel at ng bunganga
niyang walang filter kaya naman ang dumi na ng isip ko! I can imagine him smirking
at the corner of my room, proud that he had influenced my mind as planned.

Tinabig ko ang kaniyang kamay. "Palibhasa'y 'di ikaw ang nahihirapang magbihis!"

He did not even chuckle at my comment. Diretso lamang ang tingin niya sa aking
leeg. His hand reached for his own neck.

"Would it be okay for you if some random girl gave me hickeys?" biglaan niyang
tanong at ekspertong hinuli ang aking tingin, hindi pinakakawalan.

"H-Ha?" gulat kong tanong. Ano bang tinatanong nito? Tinagilid niya ang kaniyang
ulo. Umiwas ako ng tingin nang hayaan niya.

"It's your choice, of cour—"

"I'm asking for your permission, Emmanuelle. 'Wag mong ibahin ang usapan...."

I gulped hard and fixed my gaze towards the plants near the windowsill. Sana
halaman na lang ako.

Back to his question, syempre, hindi! Ano na lang ang sasabihin ng ibang tao? That
I turned Adonis into a monster? At pinabayaan kong lantakan ng kung sino-sinong
babae?

Bago pa man ako makasagot ay nahila na niya ako kaya puwersahan akong napatingin sa
kaniya.

The uninvited butterflies in my stomach almost crawled out of my throat, I can

taste their wild fluttering wings, desperate and needing, on my mouth, like they
couldn't stay inside me any longer. They're begging to come out and fill my room. A
rushing plethora of feelings that was unconscious inside me for quite a long time
ripped through the flowers in my ribcages; it was driving my system into a havoc. I
can't think straight like this...not when I'm sitting...on his lap.

What the fuck?

Damn, someone take me away from this place. I need to normalize my breathing.

"Gusto kong pagbawalan mo ako," parang bata niyang sabi at hinapit ang aking
bewang. His head rested near my neck. Payapa siyang pumikit at hinigpitan ang yakap
sa 'kin. It's as if he found comfort in this position.

I couldn't stop my fingers from running through his hair. I felt my chest slightly
vibrating when he hummed while I was touching his hair. He slightly moved his head,
finding a more comfortable position on my neck. Mainit ang kaniyang hininga roon.
My breathing hitched when I felt his palm carefully wrapping around my neck, his
thumb slow dancing with my skin.

"I don't like the thought of other guys doing this to you. I want the sole reason
of your hickeys to be me. Got that, Emmanuelle?"

Wala sa sarili akong tumango, tila alipin sa kaniyang mga salita. He groaned.

"Kumain na nga tayo," aniya na parang nahihirapan.

Fuck.

This...this isn't friendship anymore.

☽☾

Chapter 14

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti12
chapter twelve

IT'S BEEN THREE days.

And my hickeys are still there.

"Bakit ka nakaganyan?" nakangiwing tanong ni Vivian. I only rolled my eyes at her

so that she'll drop the topic, but she was persistent. Hinablot niya ang braso ko
nang talikuran ko siya. I winced when it hurt a bit.

"Ang banas-banas! Magtanggal ka nga niyan!" aniya na parang siya ang naaalibadbaran
sa suot ko. I was wearing an oversized hoodie and a mock neck white shirt inside.
At tama naman siya, naliligo na ata ako sa pawis. Kaya naman naka-shorts lang ako
dahil hindi ko kakayanin kung pati ang binti ko ay balot na balot.

"Pabayaan mo nga," iritable kong sagot. Tumaas ang kaniyang kilay. Nabigla ako nang
higitin niya ang neckline ng aking hoodie, pati na ang mock neck ko sa loob! Halos
nasakal ata ako! Kusa siyang napalayo nang may nanlalaking mga mata. She suddenly
squealed and pinched my arms kaya naman umilag ako nang umilag. Ang gaan-gaan
talaga ng kamay nito!
"Bakit ka may gano'n? OMG! Sino?" excited niyang tanong na parang bata. Ngumiwi
lamang ako sa kaniya at umiling bago damputin ang DSLR at paglaruan ang settings
nito.

Sasama si Vivian sa shoot namin mamaya nina Maxim, kasama ang band members niya. Si
Adira ay wala dahil sa gig na pinaghahandaan, hindi ko sigurado kung may banda na
siyang sinasalihan o ano. Diesel is out of sight, too. 'Pag wala talaga si Addie,
wala rin siya. Si Raven lang ang hinihintay namin na nag-take out sa fastfood
restaurant at ang magsisilbing driver namin sa araw na 'to.

"Sinonga?" pangungulit niya. Pumalatak ako at napariin ata ang pindot ko sa camera.

"Sino? Was it Diesel? Si Kuya? A random guy sa bar? Sa Bar? OMG! Si Ado—Sino?!"
naghihisterya niyang sabi. Kumikinang ang mga mata niya sa paghihintay ng sagot ko.
Umiling lamang ako kahit sigurado akong may ideya na siya. Well, she almost
mentioned his name, so...

"Come on, Em! Ngayon ka pa ba maglilihim?" she asked then poked my arm. I turned my
camera off and put it inside its bag. Vivian's eyes never left me even for a
second. Talagang determinado siyang sagutin ko iyong tanong niya.

I sighed. Well, she's my best friend. Ayos lang naman siguro kung malaman niya.

"Adonis," tipid kong sabi na sinundan ng malakas niyang pagtili. Napatawa ako sa
kaniyang reaksyon at halos bugbugin niya iyong unan ko.

"Talaga? Kailan? Sa bar 'yan, 'no? Ano? Kumusta? Didn't your legs hurt?"

Natigilan ako sa kaniyang tanong. I looked at her, horrified. Unti-unting napalitan

ng pagtataka ang kaniyang mukha. She pointed at my neck and raised her brows.
Nasapo ko na lamang ang aking noo. Naramdaman ko ang pag-akyat ng dugo ko sa aking
pisngi. What the hell....

"It's not like 'that,' Vivian. Walang nangyaring ganoon," paliwanag ko. Humiwalay
ata ang kaluluwa ko sa tanong ni Vivian. Nanginginig ang mga daliri ko habang
nilalagay sa isang backpack ang mga dadalhin para sa shoot.

"Ha? E ano?" she asked, genuinely puzzled.

"Halik lang...."

Tumaas ang kaniyang kilay.

"Sa leeg," pagtatapos ko. I heaved a deep sigh to regain composure. Everything
still felt fresh and raw. Hindi naman sa lagi ko iyong naaalala, ngunit 'pag
sumasagi kasi sa 'king isip, ang linaw-linaw pa rin.

And Adonis' presence wasn't helping! Ngayon ko lang ata siya hindi nakita. For the
past days, I would always eat lunch and dinner with him. Nakakaramdam na nga ata
sina Diesel ng kung ano.

Hindi ko na nilinaw kung anoman 'yon, whether he's flirting or he's just like that
to his new friends. Ayoko namang mag-assume. Isa pa, maybe keeping things vague is
safer. I don't want to give label to something so unclear like this. Expectations
will follow, and if those were not met, then, I'd just be left disappointed.

"O? Ano 'yon? Wala sa aura ni Adonis ang nangangat na lang bigla...there must be a
reason," aniya habang nag-aayos ng buhok sa tapat ng full-sized mirror.
Napapikit ako. Of course! Diego Anselmo, that fucking asshole—siya ang dahilan ng
lahat. It's not rocket science to figure out that Adonis was bothered about his
existence since the beginning. Iniisip ko tuloy kung alam ba ni Diesel na nanonood
si Adonis noong mga panahong iyon. I don't know what tricks Diesel's trying to play
on him, basta ang alam ko lang, dehado ako!

"Ewan ko do'n.... The alcohol, maybe," sagot ko. Umupo muna ako sa kama nang
matapos i-pack lahat ng kailangan: a laptop, my camera, extra clothes and a few
props. Nabigyan ko na naman ng instruction si Maxim kung ano ang dapat nilang
isuot.

Tumango-tango si Vivian ngunit ang mukha niya'y hindi kumbinsido. I knew there
would be tons of follow-up questions.

"Grabe, ang lala, ha? Ilang linggo na 'yan?" tanong niya.

"Isa," saad ko at nagsuot ng earphones. I'm really, really uncomfortable with this
topic. Vivian kept on giving me meaningful stares that I kept on ignoring.

Not long after, Raven arrived. Sa kotse na niya namin kinain iyong take-outs. Wala
sa sarili kong nilalantakan ang fries habang si Vivian ay kanin ang inupakan. Raven
was just silently driving while munching on his burger.

"Nandoon na kaya sila?" tanong ni Ravi at dinungaw ang ulo sa bukas na bintana,
sinsipat ang traffic jam.

"I'm not sure," sagot ko. Sampung minuto pa naman bago ang call-time namin.

Nang makarating kami sa site ay naaninag ko na ang tatlo. Finn and Maxim were the
only names I remember. Hindi ko matandaan 'yung pangalan ng drummer o nagbe-beatbox
na maharot. He had been playful ever since, like he doesn't take things seriously.
He kept on hitting on me and I didn't like him, so I bluntly turned him down.

Raven helped us get through the gates. There were barbed wires around, at dahil
siya ang kuya, sunod kami sa kaniya. He was carefully touching and lifting the
wires, para lang makalusot kami nang maayos. Doon kasi sa spot na iyon mayroong
isang magandang rock formation. I think we can use that for the shoot. Sa kabilang
panig ay may mga nagsasaranggola na agad, ganito pa lang kaaga.

Finnigan Canencia is the acoustic guitarist, sometimes the bassist. Pirmi itong
nakaupo sa nag-iisang batong malaki at malapad sa gitna ng damuhang puno ng
bulaklak. He was laughing while throwing small rocks to the other guy.

Maxim was just looking at us. Maamo talaga ang kaniyang mukha. Ang bahagyang
makapal na buhok ay sumusunod sa marahang galaw ng hangin. He was quite pale, too,
and naturally pinkish, I guess. Iniwas niya ang tingin at may binanggit kay Finn
kaya napatingin sila sa 'min.

The other guy, who's laying on the piece of cloth on the grass stood up abruptly.
Ang ahit sa kaniyang kilay talaga ang una kong napansin.

"Hi!" bati niya. Since I'm already aware that he's trying to flirt with me, I gave
him a smug look. Diniretso ko ang tingin kay Maxim na nakatuon ang tingin sa
damuhan.

"We'll start the shoot, maybe until 7PM. Is that okay with you?" tanong ko. Dahan-
dahan niya akong nilingon. He nodded slowly. Finn punched his shoulders while
laughing.
"Bokalista ka pero parang wala kang boses," saad nito.

Nilingon ko si Raven at Vivian na tinatanaw ang buong location. Kahit na maaraw

dito ay mahangin naman. It's a vast lot with soft green grasses and some white
flowers. Pinanatili itong malinis ng may-ari. I hope this doesn't turn into a mall.
Sayang naman. Sana ay gawin na lang 'tong palayan, or maybe a garden. Masyado nang
maraming gusali sa lugar.

"What do you think?" tanong ko kay Raven. Inilabas ko ang DSLR at in-adjust ang
ISO. I tried to take a shot of the clear blue sky, just to check the exposure
levels.

"Pwede na. Ano bang background nito? Starry Night?" tanong niya at binigay ko sa
kaniya ang camera. I bribed them lunch so that they'd join me here to help. Hindi
ko ata kakayaning mag-isa.

"Hindi ko alam. That would be too dark, unless I'll play with the colors and make
some tweaks."

"What about Irises?" suhestiyon ni Vivian. Pumalatak ako at tumango.

Raven played with the settings. Sinenyasan niya akong tawagin na ang tatlo. Sumunod
naman silang tatlo sa pagtawag ko kay Maxim. They were silently listening to
Raven's instructions.

"Mag-individual din kaya sila? So, I'll make four versions. Three individual shots,
one for each, then one as a group,"saad ko. Finnigan nodded.

Nakita ko ang pamumula ni Maxim habang inaayos ni Vivian ang kaniyang buhok. I
craned my neck to the left as I observed him. Such shy, shyboy.

Inuna nila si Maxim dahil siya ang pinakamadaling utusan at kuhanan ng larawan. His
eyes were naturally calm and soft. Kahit mainit ay wala rin siyang reklamo. The
soft daylight was seamlessly kissing his skin. He looked really bright because of
the lighting, as if he's glowing.

Pumunta kami sa isang silong kung saan may ilan ding nakaupo at nanonood. Raven was
handling this thing professionally. Baka marami rin ang kainin nito mamaya para
bumawi sa 'kin.

"Hi!" bati sa 'kin ng isa nilang miyembro. Nilingon ko siya at tinaasan ng kilay.
Finnigan laughed.

"His name is Jake," aniya at inakbayan ito.

"What? Like Finn and Jake?" singit ni Vivian. "That should be the name of your
band...Maxim, and Finn & Jake," aniya habang pinipigilan ang tawa.

Iyong isa ay agad na inalis ang pagkakaakbay ni Finn sa kaniya. Umiling lamang ako
sa kakulitan nila. It makes me wonder how Maxim fits in, parang siya lang ang hindi
magaslaw sa kanila.

"I'm not a dog!" iritableng saad niya. Finnigan ran towards the field dahil akmang
babatuhin siya nitong isa ng plastic bottle.

"Vincent Van Escribo," aniya pagkaharap sa 'kin. Napangiwi ako sa sinabi niya. I
ignored his hand. Was that...supposed to be a pick up line?
"Seriously?" takang-takang tanong ni Vivian. Vincent Van just laughed. Dinampot
niya ang knapsack at kinuha ang isang leather na wallet, pinakita sa amin ang
kaniyang school ID.

"Totoo nga," mahina kong sabi. I was secretly left in awe. His name is weird ngunit
tumatatak naman lalo na sa bago niyang kakilala. Lalo lamang lumapad ang ngisi niya
bago ibalik iyon sa kaniyang bag.

"My parents were both artists before they got into the business field...so..."
paliwanag niya. He wiggled his brows. Napailing na lang ako. That's—what the hell?
Hindi ba siya na-aawkwardan sa pangalan niya?

Mayamaya lamang ay ako na ang nag-shoot. Vivian was fixing their attires while
Raven was teaching them where to look and what emotion to convey. Nandoon sila sa
rock formation at nakaupo.

"One...two..." bilang ko bago pindutin ang shutter. Hindi ko na pinansin ang

pagpapawis. Well, with their clothes, they look like they're sweating, too. Si Finn
ay kanina pa ang punas sa sarili kada tapos ng isang kuha. They must be eager to
remove their flannels and jackets.

Si Van na ang kukuhanan ng individual shot. Naramdaman kong nag-vibrate ang

telepono ko sa 'king bulsa kaya naman sinipat ko muna iyon habang nag-iisip ang
magkapatid kung ano'ng gagawin ni Van.

Adonis:
You have a scheduled shoot today, right? Sorry, was with Selene. Dunno if I can
make it.

Isinabit ko muna ang strap ng camera sa aking leeg bago tumipa ng reply. I glanced
towards their direction, pinahihiga nila sa Van sa damuhan.

Emmanuelle:
Okay lang. You don't have to go everywhere I go.

Hindi na siya nakapag-reply. Ibinalik ko na lang iyon sa aking bulsa. There's

nothing wrong with my reply, right?

After that incident in the apartment, he became really clingy. Hindi naman sa
nakakairita. It's just that, I feel like there's something wrong with it. Friends
shouldn't be like that, like this. And I don't like that we're doing thingsas
friends. I want a clear line drawn between friendships and romantic relationships,
and he's not giving that to me.

I can't demand. Ayaw kong masanay sa ginagawa niya gayong magkaibigan lang kami. I
don't want to assume, nor expect. I have to keep my heart guarded and safe. It's
for my own sake.

"Game," saad ni Raven at sinenyasan ako. Nilapitan ko si Van na nasa damuhan. He

looked like he didn't like it, ngunit sa totoo lang ay bagay naman sa kaniya.

"Tingin sa lens. Diretso," utos ko. Sinunod niya naman iyon. He was looking
straight into the camera, serious but with tons of emotions peeking through his
irises. Bagay sa kaniyang mag-model ng clothing line.

After a couple of shots, napagdesisyunan ko munang mag-lunch na kaming lahat at

magpalit sila ng damit para naman mas maraming choices akong pagpipilian sa pag-
eedit. We agreed to meet up again at around 2 p.m. para hindi na mainit. We will
wait for the golden hour before wrapping up the shoot.
Raven looked dead tired already. Kaya naman sa pinakamalapit na Chinese restaurant
kami kumain dahil traffic papuntang mall kung saan may buffet restaurant. At tama
nga ako, ang lakas niya talaga kumain.

"They are all photogenic, 'no?" saad ni Vi habang nagii-scroll sa laman ng camera.
Sinang-ayunan iyon ng kaniyang kapatid.

My phone vibrated again. Pasimple ko iyong nilabas dahil nakikita ko ang pagtaas ng
kilay ni Vivian 'pag hawak ko ang aking phone.

Adonis:
Eat your lunch. What's that photoshoot for, anyway?

Emmanuelle:
Kumakain na kami nina Raven. It's for Hearthushed. You know the band?

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagkain at hindi na pinansin ang sunod niyang reply. Nag-tagal
kami roon dahil pare-parehas naming hinihintay na lumilim nang bahagya. Mayamaya
lamang ay umalis na rin kami. My phone vibrated continuously in the pocket my denim
shorts. Agad ko iyong kinuha at nakitang tumatawag si Adonis.

"Hello," bati ko. Vivian looked at me. Inirapan ko lamang siya nang bigyan niya ako
ng makahulugang tingin.

"Hey.... Saan ang location niyo? I'll go there, but I'm with Selene," aniya.
Naririnig ko ang ingay ng mga sasakyan. He must be driving.

"Ha? Mainit do'n...'wag na," pigil ko. Selene Isabella is his cousin. Hindi na ako
nagtataka na mukha rin siyang galing sa langit. Iyon ang napagkamalan kong
girlfriend niya noong nasa Feline's kami. Adonis showed me her picture once.

"I insist, Emmanuelle. Also, Selene wants to meet you. She's a fan of your works."

I chewed on my lower lip while thinking for a response. Wala naman talagang excuse
para hindi siya papuntahin.

"I'll send it.... Check mo," saad ko at pinatay ang tawag. Sinend ko na lang iyong
site location at mabilis na ni-lock ang phone. Bahala na.

The band was already there. Nakasilong sila sa isang gilid. Maxim had a small smile
on his face while watching Van talk in front. Si Finnigan ay malakas ang tawa at
hinahampas si Maxim na ang katawan ay sumusunod lang sa hampas nito. They must be
good friends since then.

Nakapagpalit na sila ng damit. Pinagpahinga ko muna si Raven. Inuna ko iyong group

shot nila. They looked genuinely happy when I asked them to smile. Akala mo ay
sanay na sanay na sila sa ganito, or maybe they're just really plain happy.

Sa individual shots ay si Raven ang pinakuha ko. Bumalik ako sa silong at humahanap
ng tubig nang biglaang may umihip sa aking tainga. Napaatras ako at agad na sinapo
ang tainga. Adonis grinned. Hinigit niya ako bigla palapit. I felt him sniff my
hair, his hands slowly travelling to the small part of my back.

"I had to accompany Selene to the mall. Anong oras kayo uuwi?" tanong niya.
Pasimple akong humiwalay. Nilingon ko si Selene na nakangiti sa 'kin. I gave her a
small smile. Nanliliit na naman ako sa ganda ng isang 'to.

"Hindi ko pa alam,"sagot ko.

"Maxim!" Napalingon ako sa site nang marinig ang malakas na sigaw ni Raven.

Maxim was looking at our direction. Unti-unti niyang binalik ang tingin sa harap.
He scratched the back of his neck. Raven only nodded while saying something. What
was that?

Pumalatak si Adonis. Kinabig niya ako palapit sa kaniya. Pasimple akong tumingin
kay Selene na nakangisi habang nakatingin sa 'min. Bigla akong nahiya kaya naman
marahan kong tinulak si Adonis palayo.

"I'll just park nearer. Behave, Emmanuelle," mahina ngunit mariin niyang sabi.
Kumunot ang noo ko. Anong 'behave'?

Bago pa ako makaapila ay sinalubong na ako ni Selene.

"Hi!" bati niya. I murmured a greeting before sitting on the cement bleacher. Siya
naman ay tumabi sa 'kin. She smelled like vanilla.

"When did you meet Kuya Ayeon?" tanong niya, nakangiti pa rin. I played with my
phone on my hands.

"Ewan. Quite some time ago," tipid kong sagot.

Tinanaw ko sina Maxim na nagshu-shoot pa rin. Finnigan was laying on the grass with
Van sitting on his back while they were watching Maxim. Maxim was directly looking
at the lens, hands on his pockets, and a shadow was casted on his face because of
Vivian. May hawak si Vivian na bulaklak at iyon ang gumawa ng anino sa mukha ni
Maxim.

"I saw your works! Naka-display sa kwarto ni Kuya. Iyong isa, nasa salas! Tita
liked them, too! Alam mo ba, she wants to meet you! She's happy that Kuya Ayeon has
an artist friend. Curious din siya sa 'yo," dire-diretso niyang sabi. Madaldal pala
ang isang 'to. Or maybe, she was just really excited to meet me.

Tinago ko ang pagkabigla sa aking narinig. The idea of meeting Adonis' family
scares me. I don't have a really nice experience with family meetings, at natatakot
akong maulit ang mga nangyari noon. The last time I went to such event, my life
started to crumble. It was the turning point. It had a negative domino effect.
Father hated me. Emmarie and I were separated, and my mother died.

"Thanks, I guess," mahina kong sagot. She was still all smiles despite my dry
replies. Hindi naman sa ayaw ko siyang kausap. Sadyang nakaka-intimidate kasi ang
ganda niya. I'm pretty sure I'm straight, pero iba kasi talaga ang charisma ni
Selene, so I'm just insecure. Maybe, it runs in the blood. Adonis' appeal was no
joke. Biruin mo't halos hubaran na siya sa Spades.

"I'll be honest. I like you for Kuya Ayeon. Kayo ba?" diretsahan niyang sabi. For a
moment, I was taken aback. Napakurap-kurap ako.

"No," sagot ko. I felt something bitter in my mouth. Hindi ko nagugustuhan ang
patutunguhan ng usapang ito.

What now, Emmanuelle? Ano ba talaga? Takot lang ata talaga ako na hindi malaman ang
isasagot sa tanong ni Selene. Maski ako ay hindi sigurado sa mga sinasabi ko sa
kaniya.

"Really? I've never seen Kuya that happy, and he talks about you a lot," saad niya,
parang nadismaya.
"He's just fascinated with me...and my art, I guess. Iyon lang," saad ko. Selene
pouted.

"Sayang naman. Basta, kung sakali man, know that I really like you for Kuya A—"

"We're just friends, Selene. Iyon lang. Friends. Please stop pushing this topic
further," saad ko at tumayo na. Tingin ko'y masyadong mataray iyong sagot ko, but I
had no choice. Nakita ko ang pagkabigla niya, ngunit mas lalong nanlaki ang
kaniyang mata nang tumingin sa likuran ko. She gave me an apologetic smile.

Pakiramdam ko'y binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig nang makarinig ng tikhim. I

slowly turned to see Adonis. Seryoso lamang ang kaniyang tingin sa sahig habang
nakapamulsa. I felt shivers when he looked at me and saw his eyes were blank.

Walang imik siyang pumwesto sa 'king tabi. Everything seemed awkward and
suffocating. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at humilig sa barandilya.

"Naiparada mo na ba nang maayos?" tanong ko dahil hindi siya umiimik.

"Yeah," tipid niyang sagot at diretso ang tingin sa site. I blinked. He

seems...mad. Hindi ko naman alam ang gagawin. I don't even know the reason why he's
mad. Kung galit siya sa narinig niyang sagot, wala akong magagawa. That's the
truth, anyway.

Huh. Maybe truth really hurts.

Natapos na rin sa shoot si Maxim. Saglit siyang napalingon sa direksyon ko. I

caught his eyes and it seemed like he didn't expect it. He looked conflicted on
whether to look away or do something. Tipid ko siyang nginitian. Mukha namang
gumaan ang kaniyang pakiramdam doon at ngumiti rin bago nag-iwas ng tingin.

I felt Adonis' body heat came closer. Mayamaya ay pumulupot na ang kaniyang braso
sa aking bewang. He sighed. Nilingon ko siya, diretso pa rin ang tingin kina Finn
na nagshu-shoot pa.

"What's wrong?" tanong ko. Dahan-dahan niya akong nilingon.

The harsh sunrays of the golden hour made his eyes look like crystallized honey.
Wala sa sarili kong nilapat ang daliri sa anino ng kaniyang pilikmata sa kaniyang
balat. He closed his eyes with my careful touch.

"Nothing. Don't mind me," aniya at umiwas ng tingin. "Nababaliw na ata ako...."

His eyes closed as he heaved a sigh. He ran his tongue over his lower lip before
looking at me again. "Ikaw na naman ang rason."

☽☾

Chapter 15

trigger warning: harassment, attempted rape

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti13
chapter thirteen

SINISIPAT NINA FINN, Maxim, at Van ang mga sample print-outs na ginawa ko. Mukha
namang satisfied sila roon na siyang kinagaan ng loob ko. Napagkasunduan naming
magkita sa music room na bihira na gamitin. Kailangan na kasing i-finalize ang
designs ngayon dahil sa isang araw ay may event. Kasama ang banda nila sa line-up
at kailangan na nila ang mga cover art para sa promotion at para sa digital
release.

Adira was with me. Si Raven at Diesel ay hindi ko mahagilap. Vivian wandered
somewhere else. Ngayon lang kasi ang oras na nagpantay ang vacant ko at nilang
tatlo kaya ngayon kami nagkasundong magkita.

"Okay na 'to. Okay na okay!" saad ni Van habang tinitingnan iyong solo cover niya.
Hindi ko alam kung nagandahan ba talaga siya o tingin niya'y guwapo siya roon kaya
niya nagustuhan. He kind of reminds me of Diesel, it's just that he's more playful,
while Diesel's more of the heartbreaker type.

Finnigan nodded. Si Maxim ay nasa gitna nila at nakatuon lamang ang mata sa mga
pictures na nakalagay sa lamesa. He wasn't speaking but he looked genuinely happy
and satisified.

Adira nudged me. Nilingon ko siya at tinaasan ng kilay. "Magkano?" bulong niya.

"Tatlo," sagot ko. She nodded, but her brows furrowed.

"'Di ba't masyadong mababa?" tanong niya.

Umiling ako. I'm still not known in the field, anyway. That's the harsh truth of
being an artist of any kind. You must establish your brand and name first before
you price your artworks higher. Mali iyon, ngunit hindi ka uusad sa negosyong 'to
kung hindi ganoon ang gagawin mo. It's wrong to price your works low just because
you're new. People might take advantage of that, though. One can always price their
work on what it's worth. However, some clients may see you as too proud, and they
will find someone else. Mabuti nang mayroong kita kaysa wala. Isa pa, I'm still
studying. I'm no one compared to professional graphic and digital artists and
photographers. Sapat na iyong ibabayad nina Maxim.

Still, it's wrong.

May inilabas si Maxim sa kaniyang bag. Nakita ko ang mabilis na pagtaas ng kilay ni
Adira nang ilabas niya ang isang brown na sobre. He glided it on the wooden table.
Tinanggap ko naman iyon.

"I'll pass the cleaner and raw versions tonight via e-mail. Wala na ba kayong
ipababago?" tanong ko. Maxim shook his head. Si Van ay titig pa rin sa mga sample
print-outs. Finnigan had this mocking smirk directed towards Maxim that I couldn't
figure out what for.

"Okay. Nice doing business with you," simple kong sabi at tumayo. Tinanguan ko si
Finnigan bilang pamamaalam. Adira followed right after. Lumabas na kami ng music
room at sinalubong kami ng maingay na hallways dahil lunch time na.

Pababa pa lamang kami sa building na iyon nang mag-vibrate ang phone ko.

Maxim:
salamat.

Naki-usyoso naman agad si Adira. I shoved my phone to her face para siya na ang
magbasa non. It's just Maxim. Nakalimutan kong naibigay ko ang personal number ko
sa kaniya dahil nagloko ang e-mails ko.
"Maxim does like you," kumento niya. Nagkibit-balikat lamang ako. Well, I have no
problem with that. Buti pa si Maxim, kung ganoon. Hindi siya lantarang malandi
tulad ni Van. Tahimik lamang siya. It makes me wonder why he likes me, kung sakali
mang totoo ang spekulasyon ng mga kaibigan ko. He's one shy boy, really quiet and
charming. Ni hindi ko malalaman ang tungkol sa existence niya kung hindi pa niya
ako in-approach.

Was it love at first sight? Sa coffee shop ko siya unang nakita, sa pagkakatanda
ko. A barista by some mornings, a student, and a vocalist by night, huh? Ang dami
naman niyang pinagkakaabalahan.

Anyway, the thought of love at first sight is absurd. Pero, paano niya naman ako
nakilala? I never attended any of their gigs. I never heard of them until last
month.

Also, love at first sight does not exist. The word love...it's just too heavy. You
cannot justify your romantic feelings towards a person you just met. Attraction,
yes, can be. But love? I highly doubt that.

My perception of love has been moulded into different forms through the years. When
I was young, I badly wanted love. The moment I saw how Mom cares for us and Dad, I
was amazed. That's what love do. It makes you the happiest person in the world. It
makes you want to care for someone badly. And to be loved is one of the greatest
feelings I wanted. I got that from my family. Ninais ko noon na matulad sa mismong
pamilya ko. When I was a kid, and the teacher asked us to draw what we wanted in
the future, I would always draw a stick figure of myself, my future husband, and a
kid. Taliwas sa mga ginuguhit ng mga kaklase ko na bahay at lupa, pera, at ano pang
karangyaan.

However, my principles changed as time passed by. I wasn't the type of person to
fall in love easily, despite the fact that I wanted love so bad. I was a slave of
the concept of marriage and family. Siguro dahil sa gusto kong sigurado. Kapag
umibig ako, gusto ko siya na. I didn't know back then that love wasn't always
happines and the good things in life.

Emmarie—she was different. Siya iyong mabilis na magkagusto sa isang tao. Hindi man
sabihin sa 'min ni Dad, alam naming bawal kaming magka-boyfriend. Lalo na siya. Dad
kept on telling her to be wise when choosing her boyfriend or possible future
husband. Emmarie was the better twin, that's why Dad has been protecting her too
much. That was the first time I grew jealous of it all. It felt like Dad cared for
her more than he did for me. Nang tumanda ako ay lalo lang akong naliwanagan kung
bakit. He could care less on who I marry because I'm not an asset to his company.

From that moment, I strived to be better. If art could be learned, so does Math and
Science. I was doing well, but Emmarie was doing better. Mom was the only person
who made me want to continue pursuing art. She told me to do whatever I want to do
as long it makes me happy.

Emmarie liked someone in secret: Archer Dyquiangco, son of one of Dad's business
partners. He's years older than us, and that made him look more mature. Emmarie
never kept secrets from me, so I knew it from the beginning.

WE WERE STROLLING down the hallways of the company building when Dad's secretary
brought us to his office. Agad na napakapit sa 'kin si Emmarie dahil nakaupo si
Kuya Archer sa upuan malapit sa lamesa ni Dad. I remained impassive. Mom's not
here. What are we doing here? He rarely summons us, unless it's time to eat.

"Vesper, Vincelle!" tawag sa 'min ni Dad. Agad akong lumapit. He always calls us by
our second names. Mom calls me Ellie, while she calls my twin Marie. She never
dressed us up identically. Halata rin naman kasi na magkaiba kaming tao. Emmarie
and I don't exacly look alike.

"Vincelle, how about you leave us for a moment?" marahang tanong ni Dad. Emmarie's
grip on me tightened. She nodded. Her cheeks were flushed. She was always confident
in school. Sa crush niya lang siya tumitiklop nang ganiyan.

Nilingon ko ang pintong sumarado. Sunod kong tiningnan ang aking ama. He gestured
me to sit on the chair positioned in front of Kuya Archer. Tipid itong ngumiti sa
'kin. For some unknown reason, I couldn't smile back. My instinct was warning me
about something.... Hindi ko alam kung ano.

"Well, as you see, my lovely Emmanuelle is only 16," saad ni Dad. Kinakabahan akong
tumingin sa kaniya. I'm. Not. Naïve. Masama na ang kutob ko. I don't think I will
like where this conversation was going.

Dad had always hinted about me having to marry someone rich and in the business
field. Always. Kada makakakuha siya ng tiyempo ay isisingit niya iyon.

Kuya Archer chuckled. Kinilabutan ako sa paghagod niya ng tingin sa akin. The way
his eyes lingered on my legs made me shiver. I was wearing a pleated skirt. Kapag
nakatayo ay hanggang tuhod ito, but now that I'm siting, it reveals half of my
thighs. I pressed my legs together as I cautiously looked at him.

"We can wait 'til next year. Then, maybe after another year, we can tie the knot,"
aniya at humalumbaba. Lalong tumindi ang kabog sa 'king puso nang bumalik sa aking
hita ang kaniyang tingin. My fingers held the hem of my skirt to push it further.
Tumaas ang kilay niya roon at napangisi.

How old is this creep? And why the heck does Emmarie like him?

"Hm-hmm," Father hummed. Nilingon niya ako. I looked back at him, hoping that he'll
get the message that I'm uncomfortable.

"If that's okay with your daughter?" saad ni Kuya Archer, like he's trying to put
me under pressure. I didn't hesitate to give him a glare. Nagtangis ang kaniyang
panga.

"It's okay, I guess. Right after she graduates senior high school, we'll proceed
with the marriage—"

"I want to graduate college," singit ko. Naramdaman ko na ang pamumuo ng luha sa
mga mata ko. Sinamaan ako agad ng tingin ni Dad. He didn't like it when I talk back
and cut him off.

Kuya Archer chuckled, again. It was laced with mockery. Ang sarap salaksakin ng
lalamunan niya ng ballpen na nagpapahinga sa desk ni Dad. I wanted to stab his
creepy eyes and throw it away. I wanted to burn his throat. Nakakadiri siya.
Breathing the same air as him made me want to suffocate and die.

"It's okay. You'll still study even if we're married—"

"I don't want to marry you!" singhal ko.

"Vesper!" malakas na sigaw ng aking ama. I stood up. Nawalan na ng tuwa ang mata ni
Kuya Archer. He was looking at me as if he wanted to kill me, like he didn't like
what I said.

"You're one fucking creepy old man! Why the fuck would I want to marry you?!" sigaw
ko at idinuro siya. Tuluyang nandilim ang kaniyang paningin kaya nagmamadali na
akong lumabas sa office bago pa man ako mapagsalitaan ng sarili kong ama.

I was panting while I was walking away. Gumapang ang kaba sa 'king sistema dahil
alam kong wala akong lusot dito mamaya. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng gagawin sa 'kin
ni Dad na pangaral. And I'm pretty sure I'll meet Kuya Archer again! Lalo na't
business partners ang pamilya niya at namin. And I cursed him aloud! Patay talaga
ako!

"Where's Emmarie?" tanong ko sa secretary ni Dad. Naguguluhan ang kaniyang

ekspresyon nang makita ako.

"Miss, ang putla niyo p—"

"I don't care! I'm asking where Emmarie is!" Napalakas ata ang aking sigaw dahil
halos lahat ay napatingin sa 'min. Natigilan ang secretary ni Dad. I closed my eyes
shut. I need to calm down.

"Sorry. Where's Emmarie? Please, I need her right now," mas mahinahon kong sabi.
Dahan-dahan siyang tumango.

"Sa Building C po, sa Tower Café," sagot niya. I muttered an apology and a simple
thanks before dashing my way towards the adjacent building.

I was scared. The way he looked at me, it was...disgusting. How old was he? Twenty-
one? And I'm a fucking minor! He's a pedophile! Kadiri siya! Nakakadiri!

Natanaw ko na si Emmarie mula sa glass doors ng café. I was about to reach for the
door handle when someone gripped my arm and pulled me away. The moment I saw his
figure, nagsisigaw na ako. Unfortunately, Building C does not have that much
employees, and it was to his advantage. Kinagat ko ang kaniyang kamay na siyang
nagpagalit lalo sa kaniya. He grabbed my shoulders and forcefully put me inside one
of the empty rooms used for conferences.

"Do you even know me?! Walang babae ang tumatanggi sa 'kin! And how dare you speak
of me that way in front of your father! You have no respect, young lady! No
respect!" angil niya at puwersahan akong pinatong sa malapad na lamesa. Pain
enveloped my back as I hit the hard surface. My legs forcefully tried to kick him
but he avoided.

I let out a scream when he tried to part my legs. He harshly took a fistful of my
hair and made me face him. "You listen here, Gorotizca. You're gonna marry me and
we're gonna have kids for the sake of this business. Your father's not gonna listen
to your complaints nor your whims."

I felt my tears flowing own from my eyes. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa sinabi niya o
sa kaniyang pamimisikal. Masakit ang bahagya niyang paghila sa aking buhok. Ngumisi
lamang siya na mukhang natutuwa sa aking reaksiyon. He's definitely sick in the
head! No way I'm marrying him!

"What about we practice now, huh? It might change your mind," aniya at binitiwan
ang aking ulo. Napapikit ako sa sakit ng biglaan nitong pagtama sa malaking lamesa.
He expertly held both of my wrists with his two hands.

Namamaos na ang aking sigaw, nagbabaka sakaling may makarinig mula sa labas. I
shuddered when I felt his tongue on my thighs.

"Young girls always taste better," mahina niyang bulong. Hindi ko na mapigilan ang
mapahagulgol. I have never felt this helpless. He raised my skirt and his lips
travelled upwards.

Napamulat ako sa isang malakas at matinis na sigaw ng babae. Kasabay non ang
paghiwalay sa 'kin ni Kuya Archer. My eyes widened at the sight of Vivian and a
thick PVC pipe. Sapo ni Kuya Archer ang kaniyang likod. Natakot ako na baka si
Vivian naman ang pagsamantalahan niya.

Bago pa siya makabawi ay hinampas siya ni Vivian sa ulo na siyang nagpatumba sa

kaniya. He bumped one of the chairs as he fell.

"Fuck off!" sigaw ni Vivian at binato dito sa nakahiga nitong katawan ang tubo,
tumama sa mukha niya.

Nanginginig akong bumaba sa lamesa habang si Vivian ay hawak ang aking pulsuhan.
Nabigla ako nang may kuhanin siya sa kaniyang bag, isang babasaging boteng may
lamang kung anong klarong likido. She threw it on the floor and the liquid spilled,
causing fragments of the glass to scatter everywhere. Sunod niyang kinuha sa bulsa
ang isang lighter.

"Tangina mo! Mamatay ka na!" sigaw niya at sinindihan iyon. The clear liquid
immediately burned and produced flames. I couldn't process how the hell did she
manage to sneak that in. Bago pa man tumunog ang alarm at magbukas ang sprinkler ay
hinila na niya ako palayo roon.

"EMMA, MAY NAG-TEXT," saad ni Adira. Lutang ko siyang nilingon. Kumunot ang
kaniyang noo. "Okay ka lang? Ang putla mo," kumento niya.

I nodded and heaved a sigh. "May naalala lang," tugon ko at kinuha iyong cellphone.

Adonis:
Lunch tayo.

Sigurado naman akong nabasa na ni Adira 'yon.

"Ano? Iiwan mo 'ko?" patampo niyang sabi. Natawa lamang ako sa kaniya.

"He can tag along, right?" tanong ko. Tumango naman siya at ngumuso.

I told Adonis to just go to the cafeteria since I cannot ditch Adira. We waited for
five minutes but he still hasn't arrived. Based on my observations, Adonis is
punctual. Siguro'y na-late ang dismiss sa kanila.

Adira and I decided to buy our foods already. Paubos na ang kinakain namin ngunit
wala pa rin siya. Panay ang tingin ko sa entrada dahil baka hindi niya lang kami
nakita. He hasn't texted back yet, too.

"'Di ka mapakali, ah. Go buy him some lunch and bring it to his room," saad ni
Adira. Kumunot ang noo ko. I pretended to not care. Bahala siya kung kakain siya o
hindi.

Adira opened the brown envelope from Maxim. Hindi ko na inalis ang tingin ko sa
entrada. Imposibleng malagpasan niya ang tingin ko.

"Tatlong libo, 'di ba? This is 5K, Emma," aniya at natawa. Napatingin ako sa kaniya
at kinuha ang envelope. Napatanga ako nang mapansing limang libo nga iyon. What the
hell, Maxim?

"Pinasobrahan ata ni Dela Cueva," ani Adira at natawa. I only rolled my eyes at
her. Maybe I can give Vivian and Raven the excess money. They did help me a lot,
kulang ang lunch para bayad sa tulong nila.

"Go buy Adonis some lunch. Ihatid mo sa room nila. Second floor ng Engineering
Building, tapos kaliwa, dulo," aniya at tumayo na lamang bigla.

"Addie!" tawag ko sa kaniya ngunit kinawayan niya lamang ako at dire-diretsong

umalis. Napapalatak na lamang ako.

Well, we still have thirty minutes remaining. It wouldn't hurt to bring him lunch.
Saka, ngayon lang. Maybe, a payment for what he has done for me for the past month?
O kaya naman sa mga panlilibre niya?

Panay ang isip ko ng justification para sa ginagawa ko. Hawak ko ang isang plastik
ng pagkain habang tinatahak ang daan papunta sa Engineering Building. Hindi ko na
lang pinansin ang ilang napapatingin sa 'kin dahil siguro sa suot ko. The sexual
graphics printed on my shirt probably bothered them.

Umakyat na ako. Sinisilip ko ang mga bintana ng classroom sa kaliwa. Natigilan ako
nang makita si Adonis na may katabing babaeng hindi ko kilala. I held my breath as
the girl gave him a canned drink na tinanggap niya. Adonis was talking to her while
his eyes were focused on what he's reading. Something inside me painfully throbbed
as I saw him eating his lunch already.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at tumalikod. Sinalubong ako ng isang lalaki.

Recognition crossed his eyes. Kumunot ang noo ko.

Who is this? And why's he not getting out of my way?

"Emmanuelle, tama 'di ba?" aniya, maingat sa pagsasalita. Tumango ako. Tinaasan ko
siya ng kilay. "Ako si Cho. Bakit ka nandito? Gusto mo tawagin ko si Ayeon?"

"No!" mabilis kong agap. Mukhang nabigla siya sa aking pagkataranta. "I mean,
no.... I'm not here for him,"mas mahinahon kong sabi. Lies. All lies, Emmanuelle.
Such a liar.

Sumilip siya sa kanilang room. "A-Ah, kaibigan niya lang 'yon. Nawala siguro sa
isip niya na kakain kayo kasi may pinatatapos na hands-on si Sir," aniya nang
madako sa 'king hawak na plastik ang kaniyang tingin. I bit my lip hard.

"I don't care," malamig kong sabi. "Don't tell him you saw me here. If you speak
one word about me, hindi ka makalalabas dito nang walang galos. Kuha mo?" pananakot
ko sa kaniya. Mabilis siyang tumango.

I gave him the plastic bag. Wala sa sarili niya iyong tinanggap. "Iyo na lang.
That's my way of saying thank you for taking care of my canvas for the exhibit,"
saad ko. He nodded, again. Napansin ko ang takot sa kaniyang mata. I guess he took
my threat too seriously. Inignora ko iyon at nagmamadali na lamang na bumaba.

May sama ng loob sa aking dibidb na pilit kong iniignora. Nakasalubong ko si Vivian
at sabay na kaming pumasok. She must have noticed that I wasn't in the mood so she
didn't bother trying to open a conversation with me.

After a subject, I received a text from him. Walang gana ko iyong binasa.

Adonis:
Sorry, something came up. Dinner na lang?

I gritted my teeth. Napabuntong-hininga ako. Why am I so mad about it? Raven and
Diesel do that all the time, iyong magse-set ng oras ngunit hindi sisipot. I could
give zero fucks about Adonis, too. Yeah, that's how it should be.

Emmanuelle:
Ok.

Adonis:
I'm really sorry. Promise. Dinner. 5PM, entrance. See you?

Emmanuelle:
May klase na ako. Bye.

Itinago ko na lamang ang aking phone. I was afraid that I'd be disappointed again.

NANG AWASAN NA ay mabilis akong lumabas dahil nag-extend ng 15 minutes iyong prof
namin. Baka kanina pa naghihintay si Adonis! Ni hindi na ako nakapagpaalam kina
Vivian. I'm sure they'd understand.

Lumilinga-linga ako sa may gate. I saw his car, but he's not there. Baka nag-CR
lang? Or maybe his prof also extended. Last subject professors who take time way
past their given hours are the worst.

Nilingon ko ang cellphone at wala pa ring text. Pumasok muna ako sa waiting area
para maka-upo. Mahigpit ang kapit ko sa telepono habang naghihintay ng kaniyang
mensahe. It's okay if he couldn't make it because of academics, but at least, he
has to let me know. Ayaw kong maghintay sa wala at sayangin ang oras ng buhay ko.

I waited there for God knows long. Fifteen mintues passed, and still no sight of
him. Another 30 minutes, kahit anino niya ay wala pa rin. There's still classes
until 8 PM, at may kasama naman ako sa waiting area kaya hindi naman ako nababahala
masyado.

It's already 6 PM, one hour past our agreement.

Tumayo na ako. His car is still there. Nasa loob pa siguro siya ng uni. Bahala na.

I walked my way towards the Engineering Building. Napansin kong may iilang
estudyante pang umaalis. Maybe their prof really extended. Baka nga. Sana. Aakyat
sana ako sa second foor nang sitahin ako ng guwardiya.

"Miss, wala nang klase sa second floor. Bawal na umakyat," sita niya. Napapalatak
ako. Tumango na lamang ako at lumabas. Tinanaw ko ang kanilang building. Nasaan ba
'yun?

Dahil sa inis ay umikot pa ako sa kabilang building. I stopped on my tracks when I

heard a groan...and my devil of a friend's familiar voice.

"Ano nga? Ano mo ba si Emma?"

Natigilan ako sa narinig. I peeked through the large plants. Diesel was holding a
cigarette while he talked to Adonis.

Adonis only sighed. Nanlaki ang mata ko nang makitang putok ang kaniyang labi.

"Stop this. I don't have to explain myself to you."

Diesel threw his cigarette stick on the floor. "Parang kapatid ko na 'yon. Kaya
umayos ka," mariin niyang sabi. I got chills when I saw his eyes. Diesel always
looked scary when he's mad.
"What's the big deal—"

"Bullshit!" sigaw ni Diesel at sinipa iyong lata. Nasapo ni Adonis ang kaniyang
noo. I wanted to interfere, but my instincts told me not to.

And I always trust my gut feel. Always.

"Tangina, Revillanes! 'Wag mong paglaruan 'yung kaibigan ko!"Pinigilan ko ang

pagtili nang kwelyuhan ni Diesel si Adonis. Adonis didn't seem like he will fight
back. Hinawakan niya lamang ang pulsuhan ni Diesel. His face contorted in pain and
distaste.

"Kayo ba? O hindi?" tanong ni Diesel, hindi pa rin inaalis ang kapit sa kaniya. "I
saw you flirting with other girls, Adonis! I'm gonna fucking kill you if you break
Emma's heart!"

Nasapo ko ang aking bibig. Diesel was already red with anger. What does he mean
flirt with other girls? Saka, ano bang nalalaman nya?

Diesel has always been the go-with-the-flow type of person in our group. He's a
heartbreaker, yes. He almost never takes anything seriously, but Raven and him were
both protective of us three. Diesel has always been acting like a big brother to
me.

"I'm not flirting with other girls, just to make it clear. Kaklase ko 'yon."
Marahas siyang pinakawalan ni Diesel. Adonis fixed the collar of his polo.

He sneered. "To answer your damned question, we're friends, Villaecija. Emmanuelle
and I are only friends, got that?"

Natigilan ako sa narinig. My mind suddenly went blank and my heartbeat was almost
static. Hindi ko na lang namalayan na dire-diretso na ang lakad ko palabas ng uni,
at umuwi na lang akong mag-isa sa apartment. I turned off my phone and buried my
face on my pillow.

Tangina. Nakakainis.

Ang sakit-sakit pala.

☽☾

Chapter 16

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti14
chapter fourteen

I DON'T KNOW what's the big deal about what I heard last night.

Aside from the fact that my eyes hurt and my cheeks probably looked puffy due to
crying myself to sleep last night, realizations slapped me in the face. Why am I so
bothered about his words? That's fine. That's the truth. Ganoon din naman ang sagot
ko kay Selene noong tinanong niya ako. It's just...bothering me down to the core.

Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili kung ano ang kinasasama ng loob ko. So fucking
what, Emmanuelle? Maybe this is just my ego talking. Did I seriously think that
someone as golden as him would fall for someone like me? Ni baka magustuhan ako ay
hindi mangyari. He just sees me as a friend, a collection to his growing number of
people who were getting close to him. Of course, a different flavour to his life.
All his friends seemed pretty decent and neat and preppy and all those good guy
stuff.

Napabuntong-hininga ako. Basag na ang kuko ko; dahil sa pagmumunimuni ay

pinagdiskitahan ko iyon. Ang hirap-hirap din palang intindihin talaga ng sarili ko.
I'm not sad. I'm just plain annoyed with his answer. Hindi ko alam ngunit hindi ko
talaga nagustuhan ang tono niya kay Diesel.

My mind made it sound like he's disgusted with me. I don't know if it's just in my
head, but his tone was just full of distaste when it comes to me. Or maybe it just
crashed my ego so badly that it sounded like that. My mind can be a total bitch
sometimes.

I am almost coming up with the conclusion that I am not bad for Adonis.

He is bad for me.

Kung kagabi ay lugmok na lugmok ako sa narinig, ngayon ay parang nabuhayan na ulit
ang natutulog kong espiritu ng pagmamaldita. So what if he doesn't like me? Akala
niya siya lang ang pinipilahan? I can have guys falling in line for me, as well.
Two can play that game. Kung ayaw niya sa 'kin, ayaw ko rin sa kaniya. Let me just
remind him that it's not me who begged for us to be involved with each other's
lives. He begged for meand my friendship. Siya ang nangailangan sa 'kin. If it
wasn't for that, I wouldn't have even known about his existence. Pake ko ba sa star
student ng school?

Iritang-irita lang talaga ako kay Adonis ngayon. Bahala siya sa buhay niya. He
didn't even bother to text last night. He stood me up! Again!Ang kapal talaga ng
mukha ng isang 'yon. After shamelessly giving me hickeys that I had to deal with
for seven days, he shamelessly ditched me for someone else, too. Sa'n siya kumuha
ng lakas ng loob na gawin 'yon? Sana ay nabulunan siya sa kinain niya kahapon at
kagabi.

Padarag kong binagsak ang tasa sa lababo. Baka ito na nga ang simula ng pagtatapos
nitong lahat. He finally got bored of me, huh?

As if my pride can take that.I got bored of him first. I should plant that inside
my head. Stay nonchalant, chin up, and don't give any fucks. That's how it should
be. That's how it was before I knew him.

Damn, that guy's really bad for my system.

Adira sent me an invite to the gig later, so I might as well dress to impress. It's
after school and will last until probably midnight. Come to think of it, since
Adonis suddenly entered my life, the boys were suddenly gone. It's not like I hook
up and sleep with them. Flirting is just my game. I just do it for fun and to kill
time. No way in hell I'm up for commitments. Besides, the guys who swarm over me
are douchebags. I'm not even sure if they're clean, and I'm not risking it to any
of them.

Dinampot ko ang aking backpack at pinatay lahat ng appliances at ilaw. I was about
to let the curtains down when I saw a familiar car parked outside. Nanliit ang mga
mata ko habang sinisipat iyon. The devil's car is here, huh? Ano? Driver ko na ba
siya ngayon?

See? He's the one who keeps bugging me. Hindi ako. Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung
anong kirot ang dumalaw kagabi. Gutom ko lang siguro 'yon.
Pwes, bahala siya riyan. I can go to school alone. Hindi niya ako kailangang
ihatid. Ano ba siya, school bus? Service?

I unlocked the doors. Kumunot ang noo ko nang 'di ko mabuksan ang screen. It kept
on bumping on something solid and firm. Nakailang tulak ako nang marinig ang isang
boses.

Napawang ang aking labi. What...what the hell?

"Wait.... I'll get up,"hirap na tinig ni Adonis.

What the fuck?

This guy's really full of surprises.

My eyes widened at the sight of him. Nakasukbit ang kaniyang polo sa kaniyang
balikat at nakaputing t-shirt lamang. His hair was messy and his cheeks were
flushed.

His sleepy eyes met mine. Napadako ang tingin ko sa kaniyang labi na halata kong
may bakas pa ng pananapak ni Diesel sa kaniya. Umisod siya nang bahagya kaya naman
nakalabas ako. I immediately locked the door. Nilingon ko siya. That polo—iyon ang
suot niya kahapon. Nasapo ko ang noo ko nang mapagtagpi-tagpi lahat ng nangyayari.

"Ano'ng oras ka nakauwi—"

"Saan ka natulog?" pagpuputol ko sa kaniya. He bit his lip as if he didn't want to

tell me. Ibinaba niya ang tingin sa sahig. I yelled out of frustration. Agad namang
napaangat ang kaniyang tingin sa 'kin dahil siguro sa pagkabigla.

"You slept...here?" saad ko at itinuro ang tapat ng screen na pinto. He closed his
eyes and sighed before nodding slowly.

Both my palms covered my face. Akala ko ba matalino 'to? Sinong tangang matutulog
dito sa spot na 'to? Malamok! Madilim dahil hindi ko naman binubuksan ang ilaw sa
labas kapag nasa loob naman ako. At may bahay naman siya! Kung ayaw niya do'n, ang
alam ko'y malapit lang ang dorm ni Cho. He could've just crashed in his friend's
dormitory.

I massaged both my temples. Nilingon ko siya na nakatingin lang sa sunod kong

gagawin. He didn't look very pleased. Mukha siyang inaantok na naiinis sa kung ano.
He was sporting that frown as he looked at my exposed arms and shoulders. I was
wearing a satin spaghetti srap dahil alam kong mainit sa gig mamaya. May dala naman
akong denim jacket para papasukin ako sa school.

"Ano? May problema ka sa suot ko?" paghahamon ko. He scowled. Nilingon niya ako.
Kunot ang kaniyang noo na parang batang nagtatampo. Pumalatak siya at umiwas ng
tingin bago umiling.

Good. Dahil wala dapat siyang pakialam kung ano'ng isuot ko. And as if naman may
pake ako sa sasabihin niya. At dapat, wala rin akong pakialam kung sa'n siya
matulog. Gusto niya ata riyan sa pintuan ng apartment ko, e. Edi d'an siya.

"Hey, hey, hey, wait up," mabilis niyang agap nang naglakad ako palayo. He gripped
my wrists and dragged me towards his car. Nang pakawalan ay aalis na sana ulit ako
ngunit ang parehas na braso ko na ang kinulong niya.

Muntik na akong maawa sa kaniya nang mapansin ang iilang kagat ng lamok sa kaniyang
braso. Those spots were red and were not really that hard to see. He looked like a
zombie, too. Namumula pa nang bahagya ang kaniyang pagod na mata. His eyebags are
finally showing.

Huh. Hindi pala perpekto ang isang 'to. Akala ko e wala nang kapintasan 'tong si
Adonis.

"Where were you last night?" tanong niya. I scowled. Where was he last night? Iyon,
nasa likod ng Engineering Building at iniintriga ni Diesel. I could care less about
boys and their unique drama...as long as I'm not involved. But I was definitely
involved with this issue between him and Diesel. I should talk to Diego Anselmo
later.

I didn't want to answer his question. Bahala siya riyang maghintay ng sagot. I
waited for an hour or more last night. Kaya niya rin naman siguro 'yon.

He looked like he finally realized that he's gonna have troubles dealing with me.
Napapikit siya nang mariin. His teeth slightly tugged on his wounded lower lip.

"I...I lost my phone, okay? Hinintay kita sa parking lot pagkatapos ng klase ko. I
was late, I'm sorry about that. I wasn't able to call you nor text you, dahil
nawala ko nga 'yung phone ko. I drove here, but then your doors were locked and the
lights were all off. Akala ko, hindi ka pa nakakauwi. I ended up sleeping there,
because I was waiting for you to come home.... I even had take-outs...nasa kotse,"
paliwanag niya. His eyes were cautious as he spoke. Tinitigan ko lamang siya sa
mata habang desperado siyang nagkukwento.

He must have lost his phone near his building, or Diesel was sneaky enough to get
it from him without him knowing. He's still not aware of what Diesel can do. Anak
ni Satanas ang isang 'yon. Wala siyang laban do'n.

"Oh? Really?" I faked sympathy. Kabado siyang tumango. I fabricated a frown, iyong
tipong may pa-beautiful eyes. I hope he can see the mockery and sarcasm. My hands
found his chest and I gently caressed it. He let out a harsh breath and let go of
my arms, akala niya siguro ay okay na kami dahil lang doon sa paliwanag niya.

"Did I fucking ask?" malamig kong sabi at itinulak siya sa dibdib. Kainis. Daming
satsat.

"Emma! Saglit nga!" I heard him shout from afar. Binilisan ko ang lakad hanggang sa
makarating sa kanto.

At akalain mo nga naman, may utak nga talaga 'tong si Adonis. He used his car to
chase after me instead of tiring himself out on running. Tumigil siya sa tapat ko.
Binaba niya ang bintana at iniwas ko ang tingin.

"Come on, at least let me drive you to school," he pleaded.

My brows shot up with that. Beg, Adonis. You wasted my time. This is what you get
for wasting my precious time.

"Okay...so you don't want to talk to me, alright, I get it," aniya at nahampas ang
steering wheel. Binuksan niya ang shotgun seat. "Pumasok ka na. I won't talk to
you. Ihahatid lang kita. Promise," he said and locked our gazes, his eyes hopeful.

Mapait akong ngumiti sa kaniya. "Promise. Dinner at 5 PM, entrance. See you?"
sarkastiko kong sabi, inuulit iyong tinext niya sa 'kin. He closed his eyes shut,
remembering what he said. Naisandal niya ang noo sa steering wheel. He lacks sleep
and he's frustrated, I get it, and I don't care.
Suffer, Adonis. Realize how ruthless I am. I'll make you sick of me until you
leave. This friendship...it's bad for me. I can already tell what's gonna happen in
the future, and I don't like the heartbreaks I foresee.

"Sorry na nga," aniya. Pumalatak siya. He closed his eyes as if he's in deep
thought, or maybe he's just really sleepy. "Actually," aniya. His eyes suddenly lit
up as if he thought of a brilliant rebuttal, "I was there. I was late, iyon lang
ang pagkakamali ko. Ikaw 'yung hindi sumipot. You weren't there."

I gritted my teeth. He really is still smart, huh? Pero syempre, hindi papayag ang
pride ko. Act cool, Emmanuelle.

"Fair point," simple kong sabi at kaswal na pumasok sa kaniyang sasakyan.

"So where did you go last—"

"You said that you wouldn't talk to me. You promisedme," pagdidiin ko. He let out a
groan. Nahampas niya ulit ang steering wheel habang nagmamaneho. He reached for a
phone and called someone before tossing it somewhere. It didn't look like his phone
because of the floral case. He reached for his wireless earpiece.

I was actually thinking if he'd go to school today. He didn't get enough sleep, for
sure. Hindi pa siya naliligo. Ni hindi pa siya kumakain. But, will he actually let
himself be absent for a day?

"Help me out," iyon ang una niyang sinabi. "This is Selene's. Nakita ko sa
dashboard kanina.... It's locked, emergency call lang....Don't you dare hit on my
cousin behind my back."

"I need to take a shower at school. Use your student-athlete perks and pull some
strings for me to use your exclusive restroom or something," aniya sa kausap.
Nilingon niya ako saglit. Pasimple kong iniwas ang tingin. No, I'm not ogling at
you, Adonis. 'Wag kang feeler.

"Basta, basta. Don't ask.... Yeah, she's mad...."

Napairap ako. I don't want to assume but I'm sure he's talking about me, again.

"Shut up, Cho," pagalit niyang sabi. Saglit ko siyang nilingon at nakita ang saglit
na pagseseryoso ng kaniyang mata.

Nang makarating kami sa loob ng uni ay 'di na ako nag-abalang magpasalamat. Hindi
na rin ako lumingon ulit para tingnan kung tinatanaw niya ba akong umaalis. I
immediately went to our classroom to get myself drowned in acads.

I needed the distraction.

"Oh? Sungit ah," puna ni Vivian. Sumalampak ako sa katabing upuan ng kaniya. I only
looked at her, examining if she knows something. Tumaas lang ang kaniyang kilay. I
wonder if she knows something about what Diesel did to Adonis last night. Si Adonis
ay walang binanggit sa 'kin, that means he doesn't want me to know. And Diesel has
been out of the picture lately because of Adira and her events.

Iniisip ko kung mahahagip ko ba si Diesel ngayon. Adira was not present again
because of a gig. Madaya talaga ang isang 'yon. She can easily catch up with school
so she doesn't care if she misses a lot of lectures. Pumapasok lang 'yon kapag may
warning na dahil sa dami ng absences niya. Sana all.
"Nag-text si Raven. Nasa cafeteria raw sila ni Diesel," ani Vivian habang
naglalakad kami sa hallway. Kumunot ang noo ko. Something happened between Diesel
and Adonis last night, and now he's suddenly here to join us for lunch. Baka may
balak siyang sabihin sa 'kin.

Nang makarating kami sa pwesto nila ay mukhang walang ideya si Ravi. Ang magkapatid
ang pumila para sa pagkain. Diesel wasn't speaking. He was his usual cheerful and
annoying self. Ni hindi ako makangiti sa pinagsasasabi niya dahil sa tumatakbo sa
isip ko. Is he going to tell me something or not? He must have noticed my
expression because he turned serious, too.

"You were there, weren't you?" tanong niya. I contemplated on whether to lie or
not, or just plainly play dumb. Tinimbang ko muna ang gagawin ni Diesel kung sakali
mang magsinungaling ako. He probably won't speak more about the issue if I tell him
that I don't have an idea on what he's talking about.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. Diesel's jaw ticked with annoyance. Pinadulas niya ang
isang cellphone sa lamesa at buti na lamang ay nakuha ko iyon bago malaglag. I knew
it. This is Adonis' phone. Ang bilis talaga ng kamay ng isang 'to. I wonder where
he learned such skills.

"Draw a line, Emmanuelle. Don't risk it if he's uncertain," seryoso niyang sabi.
Bahagya akong natawa sa kinikilos niya. Diesel rarely gets this serious. Nilingon
ko siya. I know what he's talking about, but I still have to play it clean.

"What are you talking about?" maang-maangan ko. His lips curved into a devilish
smirk. Umiling lamang siya at hindi na nagtanong. That's what I like about him. He
knows when to press a topic further and when to stop.

Tinago ko ang cellphone ni Adonis sa ilalim ng lamesa. My hands carefully pressed

the home button. Bahagya akong natigilan nang makita ang kaniyang lockscreen.

It's our photo together, from the art exhibit, the day he bought me the baby pink
flowers. Bumigat ang aking paghinga doon. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the
screen. Why the hell is this his lockscreen? Lahat ba ng larawan niya kasama ang
kaibigan niya ay nilolockscreen niya?

Fuck. Of course, not.

Napaalis lamang ang tingin ko doon nang katukin ni Diesel ang lamesa para makuha
ang aking atensyon. He looked at me as if he understood how my mind worked. This
spawn of Satan knows a lot; it's both fascinating and scary.

"It's okay, Emma. Cross the line if you want, but don't do it unless he's ready to
cross it with you," makahulugan nyang sabi. Dali-dali kong tinago ang cellphone ni
Adonis nang paparating na ang magkapatid. Mistulang may switch kay Diesel dahil
mabilis na bumalik sa pagiging magaan ang ugali niya.

"I don't think I can go to the gig later. I'm gonna go party, instead," ani Diesel
habang kumakain kami. Lahat kami ay napatigil at napatingin sa isa't isa.

Diesel never misses any of Adira's performances. He's always there, whether Adira
wants him there or not. Kaya naman nagtataka kami na hindi siya pupunta mamaya.
Plus, it's one of the biggest events Adira will go to. I heard Maxim's band is
included in the line-up as well. Iyon pala iyong hinahabol nila na deadline para sa
cover art na pinagawa nila dati.

"Did you two fight or something?" takang tanong ni Vivian. The last time Diesel and
Adira had a fight, Adira didn't talk to any of us. Kaming tatlo lang tuloy ang
magkakasama dahil syempre, kung galit si Addie, hahabol naman 'tong isa. Hindi
naman pumapayag si Diesel na galit iyong isa sa kaniya nang matagal.

Diesel chuckled. "Hindi, a! Grabe 'to. Besides, Adira already knows. Sunod na lang
kayo kung gusto niyo. It's the usual Spades party. Parte ng varsity 'yong host. I
don't know what for, but I was invited, so who am I to refuse an invitation for
free booze?"

Umiling-iling si Raven. "I can go, kaso itong si Vivian ay susunod, syempre. I
can't get drunk if she's with me. Hassle kaya magkaroon ng kapatid—"

"Hoy! Hassle ka rin maging kuya, FYI," iritableng saad ni Vivian at inirapan ang
kapatid. I almost choked on my milkshake. Nahampas ko tuloy si Vivian dahil sa
sobrang tawa.

"But, you're seriously ditching Adira's gig for free alcohol? I doubt that," ani
Raven habang kinikilatis si Diesel. Napalingon din ako sa kaniya. Pakiramdam ko'y
may iba siyang plano. Diesel will never miss any of Adira's performances. He'd
never trade Adira for anything. It's...sketchy. But then, Diesel have his own
businesses. Hindi ko alam ang iba pa niyang pinagkakaabalahan sa buhay.

Syempre, wala sa aming tatlo ang nakahula kung bakit. Diesel's secretive as hell.
Isa pa, it's really hard to tell if he's lying or not. Sabi ko nga, anak ni
Satanas. The things he can do are scary. Him being such a mystery is scary enough.

Pabalik kami sa room ni Vivian nang makasalubong namin si Brielle at Jemar. Agad
akong nilapitan ni bakla na mukhang handang-handa akong sugurin, hindi ko alam kung
para saan. Pabiro niya akong hinampas sa braso ng kaniyang pamaypay na neon pink at
sobrang laki.

"Gaga ka! Ganda mo!" aniya. He flicked my hair using his fan. Taka kong nilingon si
Brielle, umaasang ipapaliwanag niya ang ugali ng kaibigan. She just laughed.

"Bakit?" tanong ni Vivian. Nilingon niya ako. I guess we both have an idea. Jemar
is one of Adonis' fangirls or something.

"Ayon! Nasa room! Iyo na lahat, sige!" ani Jemar. Hinaklit na siya ni Brielle dahil
mukhang may pupuntahan pa sila. Vivian gave me a look. Nagkibit-balikat lamang ako.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pinunta niya dito, but I guess it's a good idea since I
have to give him his phone back.

Dali-dali ko iyong kinuha sa 'king bag at in-off. I can just pretend that I didn't
see his lock screen. I'll just tell him that someone picked it up and gave it to me
to return it to him. Tama. Iyon nga. I have to pretend that I don't know what
happened between him and Diesel, since that what he wants. He wants me clueless.

"Wow," Vivian whispered in my ear. Natatawa niya akong siniko at tinapik sa

balikat. "Good luck dealing with those," aniya at pumasok sa loob.

Adonis was glaring at Maxim who was just silently leaning on the doorway. Nakababa
lamang ang ulo ng isa at tinitingnan ang kaniyang sapatos. Adonis looked like he
wanted to break the shy boy's bones. Nang magawi ang tingin niya sa akin ay mabilis
na napawi ang ekspresyong iyon at lumapit.

"I bought you lunch," mahina niyang sabi. Napaawang ang aking labi habang
nakatingin sa plastic bag. I know too well how he would feel if I turn that offer
down, kasi ganoon ang nangyari sa 'kin nung pumunta ako sa building nila. Humugot
ako ng malalim na hininga bago dahan-dahang umiling.
"Kumain na ako," malamig kong sabi. He looked away and licked his bruised lip. I
wanted to ask where he got that, kahit na alam ko ang sagot. It looked like it's
asking for me to nurse it.

"Uh, okay. Sige," aniya na mukhang nahihirapang humanap ng salitang susunod na

sasabihin. I handed him his phone. Mabilis na nanlaki ang kaniyang mata at kinuha
iyon sa 'kin.

Are you scared, Adonis?

Are you scared just like me?

Saan tayo dadalhin ng takot natin?

"It's off. Hindi ko binuksan. Inabot sa 'kin nung nakapulot. Nahihiya sa'yo, kaya
pinaabot na lang," dire-diretso kong sabi.

Sometimes, I'm such a liar.

Heck, I can even fool myself effortlessly. It's a talent.

"Thanks," he breathed. Mukhang nabunutan siya ng tinik na naka-off iyon. He thinks

I'm clueless of his lock screen, huh?

Tumango na lamang ako. Napalingon ako kay Maxim na nakatingin sa 'ming dalawa at
mabilis na umiwas.

Nabigla ako nang bigla akong hapitin ni Adonis papalapit sa kaniya. His arm snaked
on my waist and I felt him kiss my forehead. I saw Maxim shaking his head to
himself as he saw what happened. Umiwas muli siya ng tingin.

Bahagya kong tinulak si Adonis. What was that for?

"The fuck were you doing?" iritable kong saad. He only grinned at me. I saw him
throwing Maxim a sideglance.

"It's a way of telling other boys to back off. You're not getting away from my
hook, Emmanuelle. Kaya sige, magtampo ka lang diyan. You'll end up with me,
anyway...." aniya at dahan-dahang kumurba ang ngisi sa labi. Bahagya akong
natigilan sa kaniyang sinabi.

Tangina. Is that his way of subtly telling me he wants more than friendship?

Bigla niyang pinanggigilan ang aking buhok at ginulo iyon. Mabilis akong umiwas
dahil sobra na niyang nagugulo ang aking buhok.

"Ang cute-cute naman magtampo," may panggigigil niyang sabi. I pushed him away with
some force and thankfully, he finally stopped messing with my hair. He slightly
bowed so that our eyes would level.

"You'll end up with me," mahina niyang bulong. He locked our gazes as if there were
no other people with us in this floor. It was a statement; he declared that with no
traces of hesitance. I felt the wild thumping of my heart against the bones in my
chest, struggling to keep it still and steady. Unti-unti siyang napangisi at
naramdaman ko ang maingat niyang daliri na dumaplis sa 'king pinsgi.

"Would you look at that...my sweetheart's turning pink," nanunuya niyang sabi.
Tinabig ko ang kaniyang kamay. Lalo lamang lumaki ang kaniyang ngisi.
"Don't deny it. You're falling for me," simple niyang sabi.

My insides were probably composed of pulverized bones and scarred tissues from the
sharp wings of the butterflies inside. Adonis didn't wait for a reply, like he
expected me to fall silent. He gently tapped my head.

He gave Maxim a leer before walking away, still with a grin plastered on his
devilishly handsome face.

"Checkmate," aniya bago naglakad palayo.

☽☾

Chapter 17

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti15
chapter fifteen

MY MIND HAS been wandering somewhere else, leaving my soul lost and my body numb.
Vivian's face contorted in confusion as she handed me a red cup containing Jack-
Coke. Tinanggap ko iyon ngunit hindi muna ininom. The show hasn't even started yet,
but the drinks are already circulating. Sinipat ko iyong laman ng baso. The couch
moved as Vivian sat beside me.

"Don't worry; it's from Addie, it's safe," aniya at inubos iyong kaniya. Tumikim
lang ako, still having doubts. We don't plan on drinking anything tonight except
for canned beers. Events like this scare me, gawa ni Diesel. Lagi niya kaming nile-
lecturan dati na 'wag iinom ng kung ano-ano sa ganitong pagtitipon. He has a point,
though. Everyone's just too creative and cunning to get what they want; designer
drugs are probably just lurking in the corners.

Nasa lobby kami ng pinagtitipunan ng mga performers mamaya. It's a hotel near the
venue. Adira gave Vivian two passes, but Raven begged his baby sister to give him
those. Hindi namin alam kung bakit dahil hindi naman siya sumama sa 'min. Maybe
he'll sell it, who knows?

Pinabayaan ko na ipamigay iyon ni Vivian dahil kay Maxim. He gave me two passes
after Adonis left. Mabilis niya akong tinalikuran pagkatapos i-abot sa 'kin iyon
nang walang paliwanag. His head hung low and he did not look back.

I haven't seen Raven around, though. Siguro'y mamaya pa siya. Raven doesn't seem
like the person interested in such things, him begging Vivian for the free passes
was sketchy. Maybe he'll go backstage? May pa-M&G kasi na pakulo ang organizer.
Some bands made the tickets as a raffle draw. Ang ilan naman ay pinamigay nila sa
mga kakilala.

"Is Raven dating anyone?" tanong ko. May namumuong spekulasyon sa aking isip ngunit
malabo. Raven's not into girls in bands. That's weird. Ang tipo non ay 'yong mga
mukhang mababait at mahinhin. He'll play nice and all but then when he gets bored,
he'll just leave them with a broken heart. He does his job clean, though. His
reputation's relatively nice in comparison to Diesel. Napaayos ng upo si Vivian.
Kunot ang noo niya na mukhang nag-iisip din.

"He's always on his phone," aniya. That sort of explains it, but it still lacks
light.
May iilan na ring tao kaming kasama. They all seem to get along really well,
probably because of music as the common ground. Vivian introduced me to some of her
friends, but most certainly, I'll forget their names. Baka nga ngayon ko lang sila
una at huling makikita, so their names wouldn't really make much difference in my
life. There's no use in remembering it.

Thirty minutes before the event ay bumaba na sina Adira. She immediately waved her
hand before joining us. I saw one of her bandmates immediately blending in with the
crowd.

"Sorry. Nag-practice kami kaya bawal sa kwarto," aniya. Inabot ko sa kaniya 'yong
red cup na may one-fourth pang laman na mabilis niyang tinanggap at tinungga. She
wiped the alcohol that trailed her chin.

Angelspit, their band name, was written right under her ribs. Hindi ko alam kung
temporary tattoo iyon o sadyang marker lang dahil malinis ang pagkakagawa. Her
cropped, and tight fitting off-shoulders hugged her slim figure perfectly, paired
with her camouflage cargo pants and a pair of Dr. Martens. Her electric guitar was
fiery red, which matched with the colour of her lids and cheeks.

"Pang-ilan kayo?" I asked. She slouched on the couch, one hand playing with the
empty red cup.

"I'm not sure, pero gagabihin talaga," she said. Napalingon kaming lahat nang may
nakitang isang grupo ng mga babae, around five of them, giggling like crazy as if
they met their idols. Nilingon ko ang bagong dating na pinagkakaguluhan nila.

Van was smirking at every person he sees. I'm pretty sure the lip ring he's wearing
is faux. Finnigan and him were giving high fives to people they probably know.
Meanwhile, there's Maxim, just smiling with his carnation cheeks. He really is
different. It's like he doesn't belong, but then he actually does. It's hard to
explain but their trio will not just feel right if Maxim wasn't part of them.

Napailing na lamang ako nang lapitan na sila ng mga babae. Vivian suddenly flew
somewhere else, she probably saw a hot guy from a random band. Siniksik ako ni
Adira sa aking pwesto.

"Okay ka lang?" tanong niya.

Natigilan ako sa paninitig kina Maxim. Dahan-dahan kong nilingon ang kaibigan. She
raised one of her full brows, drawn to perfection.

"Saks," sagot ko. Tumango-tango lamang siya at tinapik ako sa balikat. She pointed
to her bandmates calling her for a picture. I nodded to let her know that I'm fine
left alone in the couch. She's spending too much time with Diesel that she's
already acquiring his 'skills.' Pakiramdam ko'y nagiging malakas na rin ang kutob
ng isang 'to. Diesel, that asshole. He's teaching Adira his satanic tactics.

Binalik ko ang tingin kina Maxim. Would you look at that? That shy boy also has a
harem with him. Maliwanag at maaliwalas ang kaniyang pagngiti sa camera 'pag may
nagpapa-picture. I notice how he gets a little red when a girl initiated skinship,
but he ignores it and still smiles for the picture. Pagkatapos ay may sasabihin
siyang ilang salita bago umalis iyong nagpa-picture. Everyone who leaves
Hearthushed to take a photo with other bands had one thing on common—they are all
smiling and pink.

Dinampot ko ang aking phone. Napapalatak ako nang makita ang sandamakmak na mensahe
galing kay Adonis, at ni isa ay wala akong sinagot. My mind is still in haywire,
all thanks to the stunt he pulled earlier.
He really is a paradox. Hindi ko mawari kung para saan ang sinabi niya ngayon
gayong kabaliktaran naman ang pinahiwatig ng sagot niya kay Diesel noon. If he
keeps on saying that we're friends, why does he keep on doing things that we
shouldn't do? He keeps on dropping hints, yet, he doesn't confirm anything. It's
annoying. If he's not ready to commit, anyway, he can just say so. I've been with
guys like him, and I am very much familiar with the process already. They will like
me, but not to the extent of giving themselves for commitment. Ayos lang naman sa
'kin. It's not like I'm in love with them, anyway.

They just enjoy my company, a little bit more than just being friends and a lot
less than being in love, and it's okay. It's the modern age. It's not new anymore.
I can bear with the baggages and possible collateral damages.

But, in Adonis' case, I can't put a finger on what he exactly wants, and it's
annoying. Kung gusto niya, sabihin niya. Kung ayaw niya naman, then he better get
back to his lane of just being a friend. He can't just toy with my emotions like
that.

And what the hell did his statement earlier even mean? That I'm falling for him?

I've been pondering on that statement for hours now. Tinitimbang ko ang sariling
emosyon at damdamin. Hindi ko rin maeksakto kung ano nga ba ang tingin ko kay
Adonis, but I'm sure it's getting there—the state of being a little more than just
friends.

Hindi ko naman pwedeng sisihin ang sarili. How long have I known him? Around two
months? Within a short span of time, he made me feel something. He tries to cover
up for the longing I've been feeling for all my daydreams. It's nothing deep,
though. I can bear with this, whether he's going to continue acting like a coward
that he is, or he'll finally have the courage to admit something—anything.

I turned off my phone. I can't just let him sway me like this. If he wants this,
I'm giving him the green light. Kung ayaw niya, then he'll have to step back a
little. I'm not going to act like a safe choice for him. I don't want him playing
safe.

Nilingon ko si Maxim na kinakantiyawan ni Finn. Maxim was holding a red cup,

probably filled with liquor. Finn was cheering him on to drink that, ngunit si
Maxim ay mukhang ayaw talaga. I sighed.

If Adonis doesn't want me, nor whatever to do with me, then I'd have to go with
people who actually wants me. It's not like I'm rushing things. No way in hell I'm
in love, too. This is what I call gambling. If I fall, then lucky him. If I don't,
then we'll just cross the bridge when we get there.

Walang pag-aalinlangan akong tumayo at nagtungo sa pwesto nila. Maxim stiffened on

his spot as he looked at me. Iniwas niya ang tingin at agad na gumapang ang kulay
sa kaniyang pisngi. He was about to go away when I pulled his red flannel.

"Uy, andito ka?" singit ni Finn. Stupid. Of course, I'm here. That might be a
rhetorical question so I let it pass.

Maxim halted on his tracks because of my hold. Kinakabahan niya akong nilingon. He
tried so hard to keep himself composed. Tinanggal ko ang kapit sa kaniyang damit at
agad siyang inakbayan ni Van. Napairap ako sa pagkakakita sa kaniyang kasama.

Kinuha ko iyong baso mula sa kapit ni Maxim. I gulped it in one shot then handed
the empty red cup to Finnigan. Narinig ko ang pagsipol ni Van.
I felt the heat slightly entering my system. Tumikhim muna ako at nilahad ang kamay
kay Maxim. He only looked at my hand, confused.

"Phone," saad ko. My phone's off, so we can't use it. Natataranta niya iyong
nilabas sa kaniyang bulsa ng jeans.

I pressed the home button and swiped left to open the camera. Inabot ko iyon kay
Van. Maxim's palm covered his face as he grew redder in every second. Finnigan's
jaw dropped. Tinaasan ko lamang siya ng kilay. Natatawa itong umiling.

"Picture," I simply said. Nagkatinginan sina Van at Finn na mukhang may sikretong
pinag-uusapan gamit ang mga mata. I went closer to Maxim since I already know he's
too weak on his knees to move an inch right now.

"Game, game!" enthusiastic na sabi ni Van at tinutok sa 'min ang camera. Maxim was
very awkward right now, hindi katulad kanina nung iba ang lumalapit sa kaniya.
Nilingon ko siya.

"You don't want a picture with me?" tanong ko. Binaba niya ako ng tingin dahil mas
matangkad siya.

Umiling siya. He looked pained and frustrated. "Hindi sa gano'n. It's just...ako
dapat ang lumapit. Hindi ikaw ang dapat na lumalapit sa 'kin."

Naputol ang tinginan namin dahil sa tawag ni Finn. Naramdaman kong lumapit sa 'kin
si Maxim. I felt his hand on my shoulders, nakikiramdam kung pwede niya ba akong
hawakan. I held that hand still and he stiffened more. He gradually adjusted and I
heard him let out a harsh sigh. Binitawan ko na ang kamay niya.

"One, two, three!" Naramdaman ko ang marahan na pagpisil sa 'kin ni Maxim. He then
let go of me right after. I looked at him and he was burning red. Gumapang na ang
pagkapula hanggang sa kaniyang tainga. Hinubad niya ang bandana sa kaniyang noo at
hinilamos ng buong palad ang kaniyang mukha.

Finnigan chuckled. Si Van ay inabot sa 'kin ang phone. The shot looked nice. It was
okay. Tinapik ni Finn sa likuran si Maxim.

"Jackpot," narinig kong bulong ni Van sa kaniya bago sila umalis ni Finn. I looked
at Maxim, waiting for him to calm his heart down.

Mayamaya ay binalik na niya ang bandanang suot. Inabot ko sa kaniya ang kaniyang
phone at saglit niyang tiningnan ang aming picture. I saw him smile a little ngunit
mabilis na kinagat ang labi, bago ibalik iyon sa bulsa ng kaniyang pantalon.

He heaved a deep sigh. "You're gonna watch?" Maliit ang boses niya sa pagtatanong.
Tumango ako. Napakamot siya sa likod ng kaniyang batok.

Maxim is just adorable without him being aware of it. He looks kind and cheery, an
embodiment of innocence, newborn angels and daffodils dancing in muted blue skies.

"Don't intake drinks from the pit later.... We have drinks here later for the
after-party," aniya, hindi inaalis ang tingin sa 'kin. Tumaas ang parehas kong
kilay doon. He looks genuinely concerned, though. Cute.

Maxim eventually had to leave me there because of the fans and the other bands.
Wala naman sa 'kin iyon dahil bumalik na si Vivian para samahan ako dahil malapit
na kaming pumunta sa venue.
It was an open field and I saw some coloured smoke bombs plotted near the
barricades. There are lots of people, as expected. We were near the barricades and
the show hasn't even started yet but I was already feeling sweaty staying inside
the mosh pit. There are also a lot of highschool girls since they allowed minors as
well. Umalis muna kami ni Vivian sa 'ming pwesto at tumambay sa tindahan ng fries
na malapit. The crowd erupted into cheers when the emcee, a famous teen celebrity,
was finally on stage to start the event.

Prente kaming nakasandal ni Vivian sa isang saradong stall. She was sitting on the
counter while watching the current band performing, not minding if anyone notices
her there. Ako'y nakasandal lamang habang kumakain ng fries. I'm just waiting for
Adira, anyway, and also Hearthushed.

Pagabi na nang biglaang nagtext si Adira na sila ang susunod. Vivian and I were
just walking towards the side of the pit when the emcee announced something to make
the crowd curious and hype their energy.

Nang matunugan ni Vivian na may mangyayaring kung ano ay hinila niya ako agad
pabalik sa mosh pit. Napamura ako nang malakas dahil nalaglag iyong french fries
ko. Sayang!

Pinilit niya talagang makabalik kami sa pit. Some were complaining but my friend
didn't mind. Nang mapagtantong magbabasaan pala ay hinahaklit ko ang aking braso
para makatakbo palayo ngunit hindi niya ako hinayaan.

Vivian laughed as we both got wet by the water. Nagtalunan at hiyawan ang crowd sa
basaang nangyari. Nilingon ko ang banda at nakita sina Adira na nagse-set up na.
Tuluyan na akong nawalan ng pake sa sarili para suportahan ang kaibigan.

The crowd started to sing when Adira took the vocal lead of a popular OST for a
Chinese Drama, translated to English. They amped up the song with the electric
guitar breaks and loud banging of the drums. I know it used to be a calm, acoustic
song, but Angelspit sang it like it's theirs.

"You're the cure, my love. In a bad rainy day, you take all the worries away...."

Siniklop ko ang aking basang buhok at mabilis na itinali. Mabilis akong inakbayan
ni Vivian na basa na rin. Colours of blue, coral, and pink bursted from the smoke
bombs. Hindi alintana ang bahagyang amoy non sa mga nagsasaya.

"Adira!" malakas na sigaw ni Vivian. Napansin ko ang pamumula ng kaniyang morenang

balat at ang lata ng beer sa isa niyang kamay. Mabilis ko iyong hinablot at inubos.
Adira winked at our direction after finishing the song.

After two more songs, the girls from the crowd screamed at the top of their lungs.
Tuloy-tuloy pa rin ang tubig at naririnig ko ang mabilis na pagtunog ng drums dahil
kay Van. Finnigan played with his guitar, mouth slightly open, sweaty and all that.

Maxim looked like a different person. "We're gonna start slow," anunsyo niya.
Simpleng pangungusap lamang iyon ngunit nakabibingi na ang tili ng mga nanonood.
Natatawa si Vivian na bumaling sa akin.

"They're pretty famous," bulong niya. Tumango ako. Like Angelspit, they'll do a
cover of a famous song first and make them their own. Lalo ata akong nilamig nang
magsimula sila.

"If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?"

I felt like my eardrums were going to bleed! Nadala kami ni Vivian sa crowdsurfing,
buti na lamang at magkakapit kami kung hindi ay nagkahiwalay na kami! She just
laughed it off and I ignored the slight pain on my body.

Lalo lamang nagwala ang karamihan nang tumapat ang malaking hose sa stage.
Bahagyang umilag si Finn dahil muntik nang mahagip ang kaniyang gitara. Si Van ay
basang-basa! He was just laughing habang si Finnigan ay patakbo-takbo sa stage
dahil pinipilit siyang habulin ng tubig.

"Tangina! What the fuck?! Ang hot,punyeta!" malakas na sabi ni Vivian. Napailing
ako sa reaksyon niya. We held on to the barricades as the crowdsurfing got worse.
Hinubad ba naman ni Maxim iyong flannel niyang nabasa!

He was just smiling innocently while his shirt is soaking wet! He let his drenched
red flannel fall on the stage. Sunod niyang inalis ang kaniyang bandana at dumikit
ang kaniyang buhok sa kaniyang noo. The screams were endless!

He was dripping but he didn't care. He was still smiling like an innocent kid but
his body movements seemed sensual, probably because he's goddamn wet. Bahagyang
nag-crack ang kaniyang boses sa pagtawa nang direktang itapat sa kaniyang pantaas
ang tubig, tila sinasadya. Lalo lamang lumakas ang irit nila. Maxim's white shirt
seemed useless! Kitang-kita na ang katawan niya sa loob sa sobrang pagkabasa ng
kaniyang t-shirt! It's hugging his muscles on the right places! And he's still
smiling like an angel with no demonic thoughts! What the fuck, Maxim?!

Nang matapos ang kanta ay napahiyaw sila dahil nabasa na rin si Finn sa wakas.
Well, he tried to protect his guitar so he got his back wet. Hinubad niya muna ang
pagkakasukbit ng gitara sa kaniya at itinuro si Van na sunod na binasa lalo. Maxim
was just standing and laughing while watching his other members get wet. Siya itong
basang-basa na ngunit hindi niya iyon ininda.

Our eyes locked for a moment. Akala ko ay iiwas siya ngunit naging isang ngisi ang
tipid niyang ngiti na siyang kinagulantang ng crowd. It's as if Diesel's soul
invaded Maxim's body. Wet and smirking, he drove the crowd wild under his mercy.
Vivian shook my arms violently.

"Tangina, sis! Iyo na lahat!" eksahedera niyang sabi. Umiling lamang ako.

Napilit si Finn at Van na hubarin ang kanilang mga t-shirt. They were all chanting
for Maxim's name, ginatungan pa ng emcee. Maxim just shook his head.

"Let's keep this PG. There are minors," simple niyang sabi sa mic. Narinig ko ang
disappointment ng iba. Finnigan suddenly went near Maxim and lifted his shirt up,
causing for a short period of screaming from the girls. Mabilis iyong binalik ni
Maxim sa ayos. Finnigan laughed as Maxim turned slightly rosy.

"Our phones are not wet?" tanong ko kay Vivian. Nilabas niya ang phone sa loob ng
kaniyang clutch. Mabilis niya lamang iyong binuksan habang nasa loob at wala pang
basaan, baka kasi biglang buksan ulit ang water source.

"Adira's asking you to meet her backstage. Emergency daw?" aniya. Kumunot ang noo
ko. Kinuha ko ang phone na naka-off pa rin sa kaniyang clutch.

"What time is it?" tanong ko.

Vivian squinted. "Mag-aalas onse pa lang," aniya. "Go now. Ako nang bahala sa
sarili ko."

I nodded and gave her a kiss on the cheeks before forcing myself out of the mosh
pit. Mabilis kong tinakbo ang papunta sa backstage at pinakita ang aking pulso,
kung saan suot ko ang band na nagsilbing free pass. Pinapasok naman ako agad at
sinalubong ako ni Adira.

"Eli, tuwalya!" aniya. Their bass guitarist threw her a white body towel na agad
niyang inabot sa 'kin. Ibinalot ko iyon sa aking katawan.

"Why?" tanong ko. Nasapo ni Adira ang kaniyang noo.

"Go to Spades. Now. Turn on your phone. Kanina pa natawag si Diesel sa'yo, sabi
niya!"

Kumunot ang aking noo. "Ano'ng sabi ni Diesel?" tanong ko habang ino-on an phone.
She just shook her head, ngunit halata ko ang pag-aalala sa kaniyang mukha.

"He wouldn't tell me. He said he needs you there, ASAP."

I nodded and dashed my way out of that place. I quickly dialled his number and
waited for him to answer. Sumakay agad ako papuntang Spades at walang pakialam kung
basa pa ako. I just hope Diesel's not in trouble.

Mayamaya lamang ay sinagot na ni Diesel ang tawag. Narinig ko ang malakas na

musika.

"Emma! Asan ka na?" he asked. I sensed the urgency on his voice. Sinipat ko ang
daan. Malapit na naman ako...siguro.

"Ten minutes," sagot ko. Narinig ko ang pagpalatak niya at malakas na pagmumura.

"Revillanes is fucking wasted, and I'm losing my patience on this guy! Kanina pa
'to muntik nang mapaaway! 'Pag ako ang nabuwisit dito, susuntukin ko na 'to para
makatulog at 'di na siya magising!" I flinched with his loud voice. Napaawang ang
aking bibig. Adonis? Drunk? It doesn't sound right.

"W-Why did you call me, then? If you can't deal with him, lalo na ako!" I reasoned
out. I don't think I'm ready to face Adonis in such state. Narinig ko ang kaniyang
pag-buntong-hininga.

"What are you wearing?"

My brows furrowed. "What?" taka kong tanong.

"Just answer, Emma!"

"Red camisole, why?" Sinagot ko na lamang ang kaniyang tanong kahit na nagtataka.

"That's it! Kanina pa 'to naghahamon ng away sa lalaking makita niyang may kasayaw
na naka-pulang spaghetti strap. Akala siguro, ikaw. 'Pag ako napa-away dahil sa
kaniya, babangasan ko 'to pagkahulas!"

I sighed. Nahilot ko ang aking sentido. Alcohol really makes you do things, huh?
"Malapit na ako," saad ko.

"Good. Bilisan mo. I'm losing my patience over this guy. We're not even friends!"

Napatawa ako saglit. Diesel's a troublemaker, it's rare to see him not wanting to
get involved in fights. "Diesel," tawag ko.

"What?" iritable niyang tanong pabalik. "Stay there, Revillanes! 'Wag ka ngang
makulit!" narinig kong sabi niya, probably to a drunk Adonis I can't even imagine.
"Thank you," sinsero kong sabi at pinatay ang tawag.

NANG MAKARATING SA Spades ay nilibot ko agad ang tingin. People were staring
because I have a towel draped over my shoulders, and no one goes to a bar looking
like this.

"Hey!" tawag ko kay Diesel na nakatayo at mukhang may hinahanap. Mabilis niya akong
pinalingan ng tingin. "Where's he?" tanong ko. Umiling siya at napapalatak.

"Ewan! Umalis!" frustrated niyang sabi. Inilibot ko ang tingin sa paligid. Nang
makita iyong lalaking tinulak iyong katapat niyang gumegewang na ang postura ay
mabilis ko iyong nilapitan. Adonis' familiar scent entered my system as I got
nearer.

"Ano'ng problema mo?" agresibong tanong ng lalaki. Agad akong pumagitna sa kanila.
Diesel held Adonis by his shoulders. Napaangat naman ang tingin nito sa 'kin. Our
eyes met and he blinked multiple times as if he doesn't believe what he sees.

"Pasensya na, pare," saad ni Diesel at lumunok. I wanted to laugh. Diesel is saying
sorry! This is breaking news! All it took was a drunk Adonis to make him lower his
pride!

Inis na umalis iyong lalaki. Diesel removed his grip from Adonis. Mabilis kong
sinalo ang katawan niyang medyo mabigat.

"Umuwi na kayo. Tatawag ako ng sasakyan," saad nito at naunang maglakad palabas.
Pasan-pasan ko si Adonis habang naglalakad kami palabas. It's not easy because he's
so damn heavy!

"Emma? Is that really you?"

Napairap ako. Hindi na lamang ako sumagot. He snuggled closer and we almost fell
because he shifted his weight!

"Yes. Now try to help yourself because it's hard to support your weight," reklamo
ko. Tumango naman siya at sinubukang umayos ng tayo, his arm still on my neck and
my hand on his waist to guide him to the right direction. Binitiwan niya ako saglit
nang makarating sa labas.

"Where are we going?" tanong niya. Sinenyasan ako ni Diesel na nandoon na ang
sasakyan.

"Mamaya ka na magtanong," saad ko at hinila siya papunta sa sasakyan, halos

kaladkarin. Diesel helped me on settling him inside the vehicle.

Pinaningkitan ako ng mata ni Diesel. "Tell me if he does anything wro—"

"We'll be fine, Diesel. I'll be fine," pagputol ko sa kaniya. He didn't seem

convinced. I gave him a tight-lipped smile to convince him. Tumango naman siya at
tinapik ang sasakyan bago kami umalis.

"Sa'n tayo punta?" Adonis asked. He snuggled closer. He does smell like liquor and
girls. Napairap ako sa sariling naisip.

Napapalatak ako. "Apartment ko,"sagot ko.

He suddenly sat upright and I heard him groaning because of the pain in his head.
"I need to sober up, first." Umiling-iling siya at tinapik ang sariling sentido. He
was whispering words to himself that I did not understand.

Tumaas ang kilay ko sa kaniyang sinabi. Nang makarating sa apartment ay nabigla ako
na naglabas siya ng isang libo galing sa kaniyang wallet at ibinigay sa driver bago
niya hilahin ako mismo sa apartment ko. O? Kanina na lang e lasing na lasing 'to a?

"Keys," he said. Nilahad niya sa 'kin ang kaniyang palad. I tossed him my keys and
he immediately unlocked everything. Napansin ko ang pagsandal niya saglit sa pader
na mukhang nahihilo pa.

"'Wag mong piliting maglakad nang maayos, lasing ka," saad ko. He turned to look at
me. Inilagay ko ang tuwalya sa sandalan ng upuan. Pumunta ako sa kusina at muntikan
ko nang mailaglag ang mug sa sahig dahil biglaan niya akong hinaklit. Hinablot niya
ang mug sa aking kamay at padarag na pinatong 'yon sa lamesa. I yelped when he made
me sit on the kitchen counter, eyes burning and jaw painfully ticking.

Bumigat ang aking paghinga nang hagurin niya ako ng tingin.

"Why. The. Fuck. Are. You. So. Goddamn. Wet?" mariin niyang tanong. Nahigit ko ang
hininga nang iparte niya ang aking tuhod at ilagay ang sarili roon, mariin niyang
pinisil ang aking bewang. Bahagya akong umatras nang maramdaman ang init ng
kaniyang katawan.

"M-May basaan do'n sa event," saad ko. Napapikit siya, mistulang nagpipigil ng kung
ano. He threw his head back and let out a sigh.

"Tangina, binabaliw ako ng babaeng 'to," mahina niyang bulong. My cheeks warmed
with his amount of swearing for tonight, probably because of the alcohol influence.

I flinched when he let his head rest on my bare shoulders. Mabigat ang kaniyang
paghinga.

"Lasing ka, Adonis," sita ko sa kaniya. Umiling siya.

"I am so sober now. I will never enter your apartment drunk. I don't want to give
myself a hard time controlling," he murmured. Napalunok ako. He lifted his head and
locked our gazes.

"Why did you ignore me?" nagtatampo niyang tanong. Umiling lang ako, ayaw sumagot,
at umiwas ng tingin. Pasimple ko siyang tiningnan at nakita ang pagmamaktol sa
kaniyang ekspresyon.

"So you watched Maxim, huh? Is it him over me now? Hmm, sweetheart?" he hummed on
my ear. Napapikit ako nang mariin. I gritted my teeth.

"But it's okay...did you enjoy the event?" Bumalik ang panlalambing sa kaniyang
boses. Dahan-dahan akong tumango, bumibigay sa kaniyang mga salita.

"I have something to...confess," mahina niyang sabi. I blinked. Namungay ang
kaniyang mga mata. His eyes travelled down to my lips and back to my eyes.

"Do you...feel it, too, Emmanuelle?" tanong niya, mistulang nahihirapan. I looked
away. Nilapit niya lalo ang kaniyang katawan sa 'kin at pinilit na hulihin ang
aking tingin. The first time we were this close, he made sure that there's still a
gap, like a safe space, in between us. This time, he didn't mind closing the
spaces. I felt his body on mine.

"Come on.... Answer me," he almost begged. Napabuntong-hininga ako at nilingon

siya.
"Feel what, Adonis?" hamon ko. His jaw clenched. Napatingala siya habang humuhugot
ng hininga.

"Did you actually think I'd just randomly appear somewhere and ask for your
friendship? I've known you since you were just 17, Emmanuelle. And..."

Kumunot ang akin noo. Nilingon ko siya na nagtataka. How? I don't even know him,
not until this year.

"I...I have sinned," mababa niyang sabi. Tinagpo niya ang aking tingin. "While you
were busy being friends with me, all I ever dreamt of was kissing you," aniya at
pumalatak, hindi binabali ang tingin sa 'kin, mistulang umaasa ng sagot at ng
reaksyon.

I sighed internally. Napapikit siya nang landasin ng aking daliri ang kaniyang
panga. Hinagip niya iyong kamay kong iyon at hinalikan. Well, opportunities like
this rarely come my way. But is Adonis really worth it? What if we just end up
breaking each other's heart? It's scary. I'm afraid to build anything new and
pretty, just to end up as a disaster.

His eyes fluttered. Dumako ang tingin ko sa kaniyang labi. I suddenly felt
feverish, even with my cold clothes and the cold kitchen counter.

This is all or nothing.

Hinapit ko ang kaniyang batok. Without thinking twice, I crashed my lips into his.
I felt his shoulders rose due to shock. His lips were carefully grazing mine,
afraid that I might break if he's harsh. His hands travelled to my clothed thighs
and pulled me closer to his body as if he didn't want air to pass through our
flesh. He groaned when I nipped on his lower lip. It triggered him to be needy and
rough with his movements. It was the transition from treating me like a fragile
glass to not minding at all. Our lips only parted he was running out of breath.
Sinandal niya ang kaniyang noo sa akin. His lips looked sullen and his eyes were
filled with unadulterated desire.

"Damn," he hissed. His lips travelled to my bare shoulders, crawling to my neck. He

placed one of his hands on my lower back as he sucked on my skin. I accidentally
let out a moan when he nibbled my earlobe. My toes curled with the pleasure and the
feeling of trying to control myself. He groaned.

He pulled away. Mabigat ang kaniyang paghinga sa aking balat. Hinuli niya muli ang
aking kamay at hinalikan.

"Sober or drunk, I will give up my cards for you," bulong niya. He wrapped me
around his arms. I felt him sighing. "I'm all in this, Emmanuelle. Remember that."

And just like that, all my doubts flew outside the window, crushed like my
childhood dreams, pulverized like the bones in my ribs, slowly fading like the
scars on wrists.

Maybe, it is time to heal.

It was too late when I realized that I was taking the wrong cure, making me worse,
taking me a little closer to my deathbed and living hell.

☽☾
Chapter 18

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti16
chapter sixteen

PANAY ANG PAG-AMOY ni Adonis sa aking balikat, his nose touching my bare skin.
Mahigpit ang kapit niya sa aking bewang, mistulang ayaw nang pakawalan. Abala ako
sa pagpapalaman ng tinapay habang siya'y nakakapit sa 'kin na parang bata. He
didn't want me away from him. If he'd get the chance to be with me all day, he'd
definitely grab it without thinking twice. Pinagpatong niya iyong dalawa kong
monobloc chairs para wala akong maupuan sa dining at mapilitang sa kandungan niya
umupo. He is one smart guy, isn't he?

Inabot ko sa kaniya ang peanut butter sandwich. He refused to hold it in his hand.
Kinagat niya iyon nang ako ang may hawak. Sinimangutan ko siya.

"Kuhanin mo," saad ko. He pouted and half-heartedly got the sandwich from me. His
hand slipped from my waist down to my bare thigh.

After all those, everything just flowed out naturally. There were no traces of
awkwardness, as if we were meant to do this since the beginning. It's like we were
meant to be like thisthe day I met him. Everything ridiculously falls into place
when I'm with him. Even the tiniest details match. It's fascinating and scary.

The spaces in between his fingers are just enough to fit mine. His breadth was just
enough to tower over me and trap me in his arms, tight, but careful. His jaw was
sculpted to fit in the crook of my neck. Everything is just enough. Everything is
just in place. I wouldn't dare ask for more.

It's scary, yet it was painfully giving my heart what it wants. Adonis never failed
to make me feel warm and loved. The best thing is that he's never blind of my
flaws. He knows my demons and he faces them straight-up. He recognizes my
incapabilities. Yet amidst all my imperfections and him being aware of those, he
accepts me the way I am. I always learn new things with him. He teaches me to be
better.

Nakakatakot kasi parang ang ayos-ayos na ng lahat. I can't help but be worried that
this will cost me a lot in the future. Na ang lahat ng ito ay hiram lang. The
universe had always hated me since the day I was born. My heart aches to finally
get something I genuinely want. My heart throbs in pain with the thought of these
being taken away anytime soon.

I haven't told my father about this, but I want Adonis and I to stay this way even
if he disapproves. Matapang akong kakayanin namin 'yon. It's like I can also give
up almost everything for him...but still have some for myself. Mahirap ipaliwanag.

I sipped my coffee. Tambay kami ngayon sa apartment ko dahil parehas kaming walang
requirements at deadlines na hinahabol. He likes us hanging out just fine here,
kahit na dati'y gusto niyang doon ako sa kanila. He respected my decision, and that
is to refuse. Hindi ata ako handa na makilala ang magulang niya.

Being with him, it's both making me brave and a coward at the same time. Kahit
anong tapang kong sumuong sa kahit ano para sa kaniya, may takot sa 'kin na baka
hindi rin kami magtagal. My rational mind keeps on telling me that I'm not ready
for all of these. I do not want us to both get hurt because of my reckless
decisions. We don't need to rush things. It's okay if we take this slow. His
patience and understanding are beyond remarkable. I am so thankful for that.

Nakakatakot kasi baka matapos din. Pa'no kung bigla s'yang bawiin sa 'kin?
Pakiramdam ko'y hinihiram ko lang siya.

I sometimes feel like I don't deserve him—that there are far more better girls than
me. Well, totoo naman. I considered myself lucky that he chose to be stuck with the
mess that I am instead of searching for others who would be better for him. I guess
he's weird like that.

Humilig ako sa kaniyang katawan. My phone buzzed and I just threw it a glance only
to see Diesel's name on the screen. Hindi ko iyon pinansin. Marahil ay text na
naman iyon na nagtatanong kung ano'ng ginagawa namin ni Adonis ngayon. Diesel has
been guarding me since he found out.

My friends know about this little thing we have. Raven and Adira, being the silent
ones, were fine with it and accepted it right away. Inintriga muna ako ni Vivian.
Diesel didn't talk to me for a day. May saltik talaga ang isang 'yon, e.

"You're not going to reply?" bulong ni Adonis. I snickered. He's still jealous of
Diesel for some reasons. Ngunit kailanman ay 'di ko siya narinig na nagreklamo sa
'kin. I watched his expression as he looked at my phone like he wanted to open it
and read the text for me, ngunit imbes na ganoon ang gawin ay hinigpitan niya
lamang ang kapit sa 'kin at pinahinga ang ulo sa aking balikat.

"Hindi na," sagot ko. I felt him nod. Pinatakan niya ng halik ang gilid ng aking
leeg.

I adjusted my position on his lap. Napaangat naman ang kaniyang ulo. Sinandal ko
ang aking likod sa pader at patagilid na umupo. Ang isa niyang braso ay tinuon niya
sa aking tuhod.

"You know...I actually owe Diesel a lot," panimula ko. I've told him stories about
my friends and family, but I have never told him a single word about how Diesel and
I met.

His brows shot up. Hinagip niya ang kamay kong nasa aking hita at pinaglaruan niya
iyon ng kaniyang daliri.

"It was around November. I was 17, and I do not even have a single idea who he
is...."

Kumunot ang noo ni Adonis. He stopped playing with my hand and held it tightly
instead. Nilingon niya ako na mukhang hinihintay ang kadugsong.

IT WAS THOSE days when I felt really down, like the world hated me for the reasons
I deserved. I just lost my mother, and I was at the cemetery. Naka-upo lamang ako
no'n sa damuhan at tinititigan ang marmol na bato kung saan naka-ukit ang kaniyang
ngalan. I traced the intricate letters forming her name, eleonora salvador-
gorotizca. My breath turned shaky as I held back the tears.

Mom did not survive the accident. We were both admitted at the same hospital. I was
unconscious for a day and had some minor injuries due to the fall. Father never
visited me. He never checked up on me. He only paid my hospital bills. Ang ilang
kasambahay lamang ang pumupunta sa 'kin para dal'han ako ng pagkain at samahan.
Emmarie also stayed with me, pero ang sarili kong ama, ni anino, wala.

Of course, I didn't win over my father's decision. It was September when I got
engaged to Archer Dyquiangco, and nobody knew what he did to me except for Emmarie.
I never told Dad about it; hindi naman niya ako paniniwalaan. I didn't want Mom to
stress over it, too. My twin kept it as our secret.

It was an engagement party, the biggest of the year. Mistulang walang nakapapansin
ng detalye na menor de edad pa ako. He's 22 and I was 17, and he's a pedophile. I
was wearing the ridiculously expensive ring from him and couldn't even smile as the
visitors greeted me. The Villaecijas were invited there, but I can't remember if I
ever saw Diesel. Probably not.

I made the perfect plan of escaping. The cold material of the knife was kissing my
skin beneath the fabric of my white dress. Simple lang. Sisingit ako sa
announcement ng emcee at sasabihin na manyak si Dyquiangco at cancelled ang party.
Pagkatapos nito ay tatakbo na ako palabas. I have to show them the knife. Hindi
naman ito matalas at hindi ito babaon sa aking balat, but it looked perfect to fake
an attempt to kill myself.

But, everything went downhill. Nakalagpas ako sa security na pare-parehas natakot

lumapit nang iwasiwas ko ang kutsilyo at itapat sa 'king leeg. They all let me run
away.

Mom followed, and my plan just burned.

We waited for Mom to wake up. I was wrong when I thought Dad never visited me
because he's too focused on Mom. Turns out, we had a big problem with the business
stocks. Plus, he just didn't want to see me. The Dyquiangcos and my father had a
row, and I was the reason. Mom was the collateral damage of my reckless decisions.

Sa unang araw kong na-discharge sa ospital, ay lalo lamang bumigat ang pakiramdam
ko dahil wala naman akong makausap sa bahay. Dinner time came, and the usual
routine was for the maids to call us. Palabas pa lamang ako ng kwarto ngunit nakita
ko na agad si Ate Mina na may hawak na tray ng pagkain. Kumunot ang noo ko. Dad
doesn't like not eating together. We always eat dinner downstairs, even when one is
sick.

"Ma'am...pasensya na po talaga," aniya. Pinanood ko siyang ibaba 'yon sa aking

lamesita. Nanlamig ang aking kalooban. I heard another maid calling Emmarie to go
downstairs for dinner. So...ako lang ang sa kwarto?

It just...hurts. A lot. Iyong tipo ng sakit na sobra-sobra, nakamamanhid.

"A-Ayaw po kasi kayo makita ni Sir, e...." Ate Mina said apologetically. I saw the
pity in her eyes as she scanned my healing bruises. Nanlambot ako sa narinig. Pilit
akong ngumiti at mabilis na tumango.

It's okay. I'm okay.

It's understandable. Kasalanan ko naman. Mom's in the hospital fighting for her
life because of me.

"Si Nana po ang nagpaakyat ng pagkain. 'Wag niyo na pong ibaba. Kukuhanin ko na
lang po mamaya."

Wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang tumango at pilit na ngumiti hanggang sa magsara
ang pinto ng aking kwarto. I looked up the ceiling to prevent my tears from flowing
down. Nanlalabo na ang aking paningin. I sat on my bed and tried to eat. Nabitiwan
ko ang kutsara sa panginginig.

IT BECAME WORSE when Mom died. I couldn't even attend her wake because Father's
there. Ni wala akong tsansa na makita siya kung hindi pa ako itinatakas nina Ate
Mina at Nana tuwing gabi sa kwarto ko para sumilip kahit saglit.

It broke my father, I know. Tama nga siguro na ibalik niya sa 'kin ang nararamdaman
niyang sakit dahil ako naman ang puno't dulong may kasalanan ng lahat.

The day of her burial, I didn't go, well, I wasn't allowed to. Ayaw akong makita ng
sarili kong ama. Gustong-gusto ko pumunta ngunit natatakot ako sa pwedeng gawin ni
Dad kapag nakita niya akong naroon. It was beyond devastating. Ate Mina had to
dress me up differently para lang makapunta ako. One of our drivers also had to
sneak me in. Tanging mga trabahador na lamang sa bahay ang may pakialam sa 'kin.
Father does not even want Emmarie near me. Hiniwalay niya ako sa pamilya. It's like
I'm not part of them anymore.

My chest hurt as I watched the people surrounding my Mom's coffin. Hindi kami
makalapit ni Ate Mina sa takot na baka makilala kami. We just watched from afar. I
wanted to come closer but I can't risk Ate Mina losing her job. Hawak niya ako sa
aking balikat sa takot na matumba ako kaiiyak.

Ni wala akong tsansa na makita ang sariling ina sa huling pagkakataon. I just
wanted to look at her state in peace. Okay na sa 'kin 'yon. I just wanted to
apologize and be a little closer to her before she gets buried six feet under. I
just wanted to see her without the hospital tubes. Was that all too much to ask
for?

The morning after that, I woke up in that grand house, with no one but a few maids.

Nana, our eldest maid, looked like she didn't want to tell me. Nasa hardin kami at
pilit niya akong pinakakain ngunit wala na lang talaga akong gana. I'm not dumb not
to realize that my twin sister and my father are not in the house anymore.

They left me.

And Mom left us because of me.

I...probably deserve all these.

"Buo ang desisyon ni Valentin na umalis. Wala akong nagawa para pigilan siya.
Maniwala ka man o hindi, ayaw ni Emmarie na sumama. Parehas lang kayong takot sa
ama niyo," marahan niyang sabi.

My father hated me to the extent of leaving me alone in the house with nothing but
my bank account. At least he had the decency to still support me as his child, as
his responsibility. Maybe this is what I really deserve. To suffer like this.
Pakiramdam ko'y ang bagal ng oras. Napapagod ako sa kaiisip kung kailan sila
babalik, o kung may balak pa ba sila.

I couldn't contact my other relatives, neither. The fear of them rejecting me got
into my system first. I couldn't bear more words of loathing. Wala na silang
madudurog dahil pinong-pino na ako.

"Ate Mina, nasa'n po ang first aid kit?" tanong ko. Inobserbahan niya ako, mukhang
naghihinala sa aking pagtatanong. I only looked at her. Bumuntong-hininga siya.

"Para saan? Nilalagnat ka ba?" Umiling ako.

I tried to show her that I'm fine so she wouldn't suspect. Alam kong iyong lalaking
dumadalaw dito sa bahay ay isang therapist. They just keep on telling me that he's
a stockholder of the company and a far relative that Dad asked to check on me.
Hindi naman ako tanga. They think I need some serious help because of my eating
habits. It's not like I'm scared of getting fat, but I just don't have the will to
live anymore. Wala na akong gana sa lahat ng bagay.

I stopped painting. I stopped talking to Vivian. I cut connections with people at

school. Sigurado akong alam nila ang balita sa nangyari kay Mom at kung bakit halos
isang buwan akong liban sa klase.

"Hindi po. It's for our P.E. Tinext po ako ni Vivian," pagsisinungaling ko. Her
face lit up with the mention of my friend's name.

"Nag-uusap na ulit kayo?" tanong niya. She seemed genuinely happy that I'm starting
to make contact with the world again; too bad, I was lying. I enthusiastically
nodded and smiled. Mukha namang nabili non ang tiwala niya at kinuha niya ang
first-aid kit namin sa bahay. I immediately put it inside my bag. Sa totoo lang,
ayaw ko pa talagang pumasok, but I have no choice.

Nang makarating sa eskwelahan ay si Vivian ang agad na sumalubong sa 'kin. I hugged

her tightly and fought the tears trying to come out. Hindi na siya umimik. She knew
how much I hate being pitied. Alam niya ring hindi iyon ang kailangan ko.

THE LABORATORY WAS empty since it was still not in use dahil kulang pa sa
equipment. I sat on the corner, looking at the bottle of antihistamines. Pinalis ko
ang mga luhang nag-uunahan sa pagpatak. Nanginginig ang aking mga daliri na kinuha
iyon. I clutched the small bottle tightly. I felt my lungs tightening every second
as I cried harder.

Hindi ko na maintindihan ang gagawin. My mind was in a chaotic state and I couldn't
think straight anymore. I immediately emptied the bottle and put all of its
contents on my palm. Some tablets fell on the floor. Wala sa sarili ko iyong
dinampot at nilagay lahat sa aking bibig. Hindi ko alam kung ilan iyon, o kung
sapat ba iyon para itigil ang aking paghinga. Sana nga.

Is this enough...to pay for everything I did? Will Father even forgive me? Emmarie
can continue living like she didn't have a problematic sister in the beginning.

They want to start anew. Getting rid of me is the best first step. And maybe, just
maybe, I can help them with that by getting rid of myself voluntarily.

ADONIS HUGGED ME tightly, causing me to stop from talking. Naramdaman ko ang

pagsinghot niya at bahagyang panginginig ng kaniyang balikat. I let my fingers run
through his hair to calm him down. Napalunok ako nang mariin. There are just some
things you can never forget, huh?

"Diesel...Diesel found me," saad ko. I felt him nodding, a sign for me to continue
talking. Bahagya niyang inugoy ang aming katawan. I can hear his shaky breathings
and sniffing. Pinalis ko ang sariling luha.

"Dinala niya ako sa ospital. Thankfully, I survived. Tito Danilo paid for the
hospital bills. Diesel might be a demonic asshole, but his family's really kind.
They also agreed to not inform my Father about that...incident."

Adonis pulled away. His eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks were damp. Kinwadro niya
ang aking pisngi at inalo ako sa kaniyang bisig. I felt him planting a kiss on my
forehead. Hinigpitan niya lalo ang kapit sa 'kin.

"I'm not sure if Father doesn't know, though.... It's still under school premises.
Baka nga alam niya...hindi na lang niya pinakialaman," I bitterly spat. Adonis
hushed me by hugging me tighter, as an attempt to put my broken pieces back
together.
"'Di ba sabi mo kilala mo na ako noon?" tanong ko. I felt him nodding. He let out a
sigh. Napapikit ako sa paglandas ng kaniyang daliri sa aking buhok.

"But I didn't know about that," his voice cracked as if he felt the same pain as I
did years ago.

I inhaled. Diego Anselmo is Satan trapped in a heartbreaker's bone and flesh, but
he was actually an angel at that moment. I'm not even sure if I'll still be
breathing right now if it wasn't for him. Now, I'm experiencing the good things in
life: my friends and Adonis. If he didn't find me in that laboratory...if he didn't
care since I was just a stranger...I wouldn't have had the chance to experience
these. No matter how much of a demon Diesel is, I consider him as my brother. He's
heaven-sent...like a fallen angel.

I laughed to ease the tension. Umayos ako ng upo at tumayo na para ayusin ang
pinagkainan namin. Adonis threw his head back and covered his eyes with his arm.
Umiwas ako ng tingin sa lantad niyang katawan.

"How the hell did I miss that?" tanong niya na parang naguguluhan.

'Di na ako mabibigla na 'di niya iyon alam kahit na sabihin niyang kilala na niya
ako dati pa. Ang nakakaalam lamang non ay ang pamilya ni Diesel at ang faculty
staffs. They refused to make it a talk around campus. Sabagay, hindi naman talaga
dapat na ikalat ang mga ganoong pangyayari na akala mo'y tsismis o public
announcement lang.

Nagkibit-balikat lamang ako at nilagay ang mga tasa sa lababo. Nilapitan niya ako
at pinaharap sa kaniya. Parang kusa namang nag-init ang aking pisngi nang may ibang
maalala sa lugar na 'to.

Mukha namang napansin niya iyon dahil biglaan siyang napangisi. Sinamaan ko siya ng
tingin na siyang kinahalakhak niya. Tinalikuran ko na siya at binuksan ang gripo
para sana magligpit ngunit kumapit siya sa aking bewang habang tumatawa pa rin.

"Tigilan mo 'ko; magliligpit ako," pagsusungit ko. His hearty chuckle filled the
kitchen area. Inabot niya ang gripo mula sa kaniyang pwesto at pinatay iyon bago
ako ipihit paharap sa kaniya. Napairap ako sa kaniyang nang-aasar na ngisi. This
boy.

"The Emmanuelle I knew back then was someone who didn't want the spotlight,
painting inside the classroom when she's all alone, and goes home very late.
Kinaibigan mo lahat ng guwardiya para payagan ka. Alam mo bang sakit ka sa ulo?
College boys were just around the corner waiting for you to glance their way...but
you, being the mighty one that you are, never gave them a single damned glance..."
aniya habang nakangiti.

"You were...stalking me?" taka kong tanong. Umiling siya agad ngunit hindi nawala
ang ngisi.

"I told you.... You were quite famous in the College Department. An angel-face who
goes home all alone at night. Lahat sila nag-aabang na makakuha ng tsansa na ihatid
ka pauwi. Kaso, wala ka namang pinansin. Remember when someone offered you an
umbrella? Tanda mo ba 'yon?"

My brows furrowed as I tried to recover memories from my eleventh grade. Umiling

ako nang walang maalala. That school year was really dark for me. I turned down
every guy ever since. Lalo na iyong mas matanda sa 'kin. Natakot na ako na maulit
ang nangyari noon kagaya ng kay Kuya Archer. That pedophile—I will never forget his
face and his name. I heard he's married to someone else now.

"Pinilit ka raw noon na tanggapin iyong payong, but no one knew your
temper's...quite short. Sabi mo raw ay, 'Ihahampas ko sa 'yo 'yan 'pag 'di mo ako
tinigilan.'" Lalong lumakas ang halakhak ni Adonis. It seems like he remembers
every single detail and the event is still vivid in his mind.

"Lalo kang sumikat dahil do'n. Still, you remained stone-cold and heartless. You
did not bother entertaining anyone.... I bet you don't even remember the first time
our eyes met, hm?"

His eyes were sparkling as he talks, na mukhang tuwang-tuwa siyang magbalik-tanaw.

Inabot niya ang aking kamay at nilagay iyon sa kaniyang pisngi. I gently caressed
his cheeks and traced his jaw. Paborito niya atang ginagawa ko iyon sa kaniya.

"It was your Senior High Week. You were with Vivian back then. I was just looking
at you from a distance, pero parang ang lakas ng pakiramdam mo kasi hinahanap mo
kung sinong nakatingin sa'yo. I swear...I think all my muscles froze when you
glared at me," pagpapatuloy niya. Hindi mabura-bura ang kaniyang ngisi sa labi.
Umiling lamang ako sa kilos niya. I wonder why he did not approach me before. Would
I have turned him down if he actually did?

Pero okay naman kami ngayon, so the answer to that question doesn't matter anymore.
What matters is that we're okay and we're happy. No complications.

I let my finger brush his lower lip. Namungay agad ang kaniyang mata sa saglit na
paglapat non. He pouted. Mabilis kong pinatakan ng halik ang kaniyang labi at
naramdaman ko ang kaniyang pagngiti. I was about to pull away when he pulled me
closer. He's always hungry for kisses.

"Magliligpit na talaga 'ko," saad ko at tinalikuran siya. He groaned. Pumwesto siya

sa aking gilid at mukhang batang nagpapa-cute do'n. Inirapan ko lamang siya at
winisikan ng tubig galing sa gripo.

Nang matapos ako ay dinampot ko ang aking phone at pinuntahan ko siya sa aking
kwarto. He was busy looking at my art materials. Like a kid, he looked naïve as he
tried to figure out how to use them. Lumapit ako sa kaniya at inagaw iyong palette
knife na hawak niya.

"Can we continue kissing now?" mahina niyang bulong. My cheeks warmed. Inirapan ko
lamang siya at umiling. He sighed. "But I like kissing you. Isa lang, please?"

I scoffed. Talaga naman, ang lalaking 'to! Kinuha ko ang brush at hinila siya sa
kama. He looked conflicted as I pulled another chair and placed it in front of him.
Kinuha ko iyong sketchpad ko. He's always in awe whenever I sketch or paint. Lagi
siyang nanonood tuwing may ginagawa ako.

"I'm gonna draw you," saad ko. Nagliwanag ang kaniyang mata dahil akala niya ata ay
first time ko siyang iguguhit. Little did he know that I have sketches of him
hidden inside my cabinet. Agad siyang umupo nang ayos na mukhang bahagyang
nataranta dahil hindi alam ang gagawin.

"Okay na 'yan," saad ko sa kaniya at umayos na siya ng upo. Tumaas ang aking kilay.
"O? Bakit nakabihis ka pa?" I asked.

Kumunot ang kaniyang noo. "What?" he breathed.

Napangisi ako. "Nude sketch, Adonis. Take off your clothes," utos ko. Nalaglag ang
kaniyang panga kasabay ng pagpula ng kaniyang pisngi. He groaned and reached for my
arm and pulled me with him. I yanked his grip when he tried to tickle me.

"Such a tease, aren't you, sweetheart?" mariin niyang bulong. Natatawa kong iniwas
ang aking tagiliran. Nalaglag na ang sketchpad ko sa sahig at parehas kaming walang
pakialam.

Tumunog ang aking teleponong nasa lamesita. He stopped tickling me to let me

breathe. Marahan ang kaniyang pagtawa at umayos kami ng higa. I reached for my
phone while his hand rested on my bare waist because of my slightly hiked up shirt.
Tumayo muna siya saglit at kinuha niya ang aking sketchpad.

Humigpit ang kapit ko sa telepono. Emmarie's calling, for the first time this
month. Napabuga ako ng hininga habang iniisip kung sasagutin ko ba iyon o hindi.

I looked at Adonis. Dumapa siya sa kama habang tinitingnan ang mga gawa ko roon.
His head rested on my abdomen. He reached for my hand. Nilingon niya ako nang
mapansing nakatingin ako sa kaniya. He smiled and kissed the back of my palm and
placed it on his cheeks. Marahan siyang napapikit sa aking haplos. Pasimple kong
sinayaran ng aking daliri ang kaniyang labi at agad na hinagip niya ang aking kamay
para itigil ko iyon.

"Damn it, sweetheart," bulong niya sa hangin. Napangiti ako. I am now so sure of
him.

I looked at my home screen again before tapping the answer button. I inhaled
sharply as I greeted my sister. "Hey, Emmarie."

It is time to heal. Everything is now falling into place, might as well cover up
the scars from the past, right?

I have to collect my remaining broken pieces now, before I risk everything to

Adonis.

And at that moment, everything just felt right...but not for long.

Turns out, my karma's not yet done with me.

☽☾

Chapter 19

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti17
chapter seventeen

I LOOKED AT Adonis. Nakatingin lamang siya sa 'kin habang hawak ang kamay kong nasa
pinsgi niya. I smiled at him to assure him that I'm okay.

"Emmanuelle?" My twin's voice broke. I chewed on my lower lip hard when I heard her
voice. It's been three years since I last heard her voice in person. It's been
three years since they left me alone here in the Philippines. Not even once did
they went home to visit me.

I spent several special occasions without them—birthdays, the holiday seasons, my

graduation, lahat-lahat. Sa panahong iyon ay nahulma ang sarili kong mawalan ng
paki sa kung anomang okasyon. I got no interest on those anymore. Nawalan na ako ng
ganang mag-celebrate. My friends always invite me to come over their place every
Christmas and New Year's eve ngunit ayaw kong pumunta dahil may sari-sarili silang
pamilya. I just lie to them and say that I'll visit our house and celebrate with
the loyal servants there. Ang totoo naman ay nagkukulong lang ako sa kwarto at
hihintaying matapos ang linggong 'yon. Time is just a concept, anyway.

I miss my twin's warmth, her appreciation on the littlest of things, the way she
looks at the world like it's pure and made of all the good stuff. I can't help but
look up to her. She's the better twin. I was already fine living on her shadows. I
was happy for her, all this time. At least, she lives a better life than mine. At
least, she didn't have to suffer as much as I did.

I removed my hand from Adonis. Sumenyas akong lalabas muna dahil sa kausap. He
nodded like he understood. He always understands. Adonis is ridiculously near
perfection.

"K-Kumusta?" I threw my head back to prevent my tears from falling. Umupo ako sa
may pintuan at tinanaw ang mga halamang nasa tapat ng apartment.

"You answered my call," mahina niyang sabi, mistulang 'di makapaniwala. Napangisi
ako nang saglit. Overseas call pa talaga. She could've just contacted me online
through social media accounts. Hindi pa masyadong magastos. Ngunit, barya lang
naman 'to kay Dad. I heard our company's doing well.

"Obvious ba?" sarkastiko kong saad at natawa. I heard her laughing, too, but with a
shaky breath. Napapikit ako nang mariin. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin ngunit
parang hindi ko rin magawang simulan.

"I miss you," malamyos niyang sabi. She's always been prim, proper, and soft,
always careful with her movements and her words. She was as soft as a petal,
impossible to harm anyone, nor cause anyone pain.

I swallowed hard. Naka-ilang buntong-hininga ata ako bago makasagot. "I miss you,
too...." I trailed. May nais akong idugtong ngunit hinahagilap ko pa ang lakas ng
loob. Come on, Emma. You can do this. It's been three years already. May nagbago na
naman siguro.

"K-Kailan kayo uuwi?" tanong ko, umaasa. I heard her sniffing from the other line.
Iyakin talaga ang isang 'to. Sometimes, I feel like I am the older one kahit na mas
matanda siya ng ilang minuto. She is very fragile. You can easily trigger her
tears. Her heart is soft like that. I was the entire opposite.

"We'll go home this Christmas; Dad wants to see you," aniya. Natakluban ko ang
aking bibig gamit ang palad para hindi niya marinig ang marahan kong pag-iyak. My
chest hurts with the anticipation and the longing. Those three years felt like
torture, silently melting me and distinguishing my fire. The days without her were
slow and it felt really dragging to survive each day.

"Okay...." Wala akong masabi. None of us dared to talk about Mom's death nor how
they left without notice. I felt abandoned, like an old book they didn't bother to
finish reading, and was left to be forgotten. Napahugot muli ako ng malalim na
hininga.

"See you?"

I bit my lower lip to prevent making sounds. Emmarie cried harder on the other
line. Imagine having your twin sister—a best friend, the half of your soul—taken
away from you; it was devastating. It always felt like something was missing, a
space only she can fill.
"See you," nanghihina niyang sabi. Tumayo na ako at pinalis ang aking mga luha.
This is the first step in healing—to fix the broken bond I have with my family.
Hindi ako matatahimik kung hindi ito maaayos.

"Ibababa ko na," saad ko at pinatay na ang tawag, hindi na hinintay ang kaniyang
sasabihin. My knees felt weak as I entered my apartment. Adonis was leaning on
kitchen counter while waiting for me. I didn't hesitate to meet him halfway and hug
him.

Mahigpit ang kaniyang kapit sa 'kin. He was almost lifting me. I buried my face on
his shoulders. Marahan niyang hinahaplos ang aking buhok.

"Tahan na," bulong niya. Bahagya niyang inugoy ang aming mga katawan. I felt him
kissing the side of my head.

"Please...please don't do those things again," mababa niyang saad. Humiwalay siya
saglit para hagilapin ang aking tingin. "I don't want you gone."

Dahan-dahang umangat ang gilid ng aking labi at tumango. He sighed. "Mababaliw ata
ako 'pag nangyari ulit 'yon...and I should thank Villaecija," pumalatak siya, "I
guess he's my best friend now," aniya at ngumisi.

You make me stay, Adonis. You make me forget my hatred towards myself and this
cruel world. Your existence and everything that you are helps me breathe and grow.
I'll never leave. How can I leave when you're giving me all the right reasons to
stay?

MABILIS NA NAGDAANang mga araw. Emmarie and I kept in touch via chatting.
Nagpatuloy siya sa pag-aaral at gaya ng inaasahan, sa business field nga ang pasok
niya. Thankfully, Dad didn't set her up with anyone. Hindi kagaya ng nangyari sa
'kin. Emmarie's too weak to oppose our father's decision; siya ang kawawa kung
nagkataon.

I held on to my jacket tightly as the cool October breeze started to blow. Vivian
was asking to me to meet her at the gymnasium to watch the boys practice...raw. I
doubt her reason. Wala naman talaga akong interes doon, siguradong siya rin naman.
But then, 'pag 'di ako sumipot, baka magtampo siya. I've been spending my weekends
with Adonis. I didn't want my best friend to feel like I neglected our friendship
because of a guy.

Pagpasok ko ay langitngit ng rubber shoes ang agad na rumehistro sa aking tainga.

It slightly made me cringe but then I got used to it as I walked towards the
bleachers where Vivian was sitting. Prente siyang nakaupo habang tutok na nanonood.
Since when was she interested in basketball? Players, yes. But the game? No way.

"Hoy," tawag ko sa kaniya bago ako tumabi. Hindi ko nga alam ano'ng ginagawa namin
dito. Sinipat ko ang mga players. Tatlo lang silang na'ndito. Tumaas ang kilay ko
nang makita si Cho. Miyembro nga pala s'ya ng varsity.

"What exactly am I doing here?" bored kong tanong. Vivian rolled her eyes. Hinarap
niya ako at humalukipkip.

"There's something wrong with Diego Anselmo," panimula niya. Kumunot naman ang noo
ko. I scoffed. 'Yon lang pala. Akala ko e kung anong emergency. Akala ko nga ay may
targetsi Vivian sa mga players.

"Totoo naman; may sayad nga ang isang 'yon," pagsang-ayon ko. Sinamaan niya ako ng
tingin.
"Serious note, Emmanuelle..." aniya. She really did look serious. Nakatingin na
siya sa court ngunit ngayon ko lamang napagtanto na sa ibang bagay lumilipad ang
kaniyang isip.

"Bakit?" I asked, concerned for that devil. If he ever gets himself in trouble,
alam kong kaya niya namang lusutan. The thing about Diesel is that he'll never let
himself get into troubles if he doesn't know his way out. He wins every fight. He
manipulates his game. Gago lang 'yon pero may utak.

Kumunot ang kaniyang noo. She scowled. "Hindi mo ba alam? Didn't your boyfriend
tell you?"

Lalo akong nabahala. She meant Adonis. Ano namang kinalaman ni Adonis sa buhay ni
Diesel? Halos wala silang common ground kung hindi ako.

"Ang alin?" tanong ko, bahagyang kinakabahan. I haven't seen Adonis, yet. Aniya ay
may family matter siyang dadaluhan kaya siya um-absent. Tumawag naman siya kaninang
umaga kaya sigurado akong nasa maayos na kalagayan siya.

"OMG! Hindi mo alam?" nanlalaking-mata niyang tanong. Umiling ako. Nasapo niya ang
kaniyang noo.

"Diesel beat the shit out of your boyfriend last night! Kung hindi lang nakialam si
Adira, baka na-ospital na 'yon! God, bakit 'di mo alam e jowa mo 'yon?" Bahagyang
tumaas ang kaniyang boses. Natigilan ako sa kaniyang sinabi. What?

"Ano? Pa'no? Was Diesel drunk?" tanong ko. Hindi naman kasi ugali ni Adonis ang
mag-inom at mag-lasing. Umiling si Vivian.

"Addie said he's sober, and that Diesel wouldn't tell her the reason. Dito raw sa
malapit sauni binugbog, a?O sa apartment mo? Malapit lang daw." She shrugged, like
she's unsure of the information.

What the fuck? Mabilis akong tumayo at naglakad palabas ng gymnasium. Hindi ko
pinansin ang pagtawag niya. I immediately walked my way towards the Arts Department
habang hinihintay na sagutin ni Adonis ang tawag. He didn't tell me! Ano bang
nililihim sa 'kin ng dalawang 'yon?!

Napatingin sa 'kin ang ilang kaibigan ni Diesel mula sa kanilang bloc. I only gave
them short nods before entering their building and going to the second floor.
Tumigil muna ako sa isang gilid nang sagutin na ni Adonis ang tawag.

"Yes, sweetheart? Missed me already?"

Napapikit ako sa kaniyang maamong boses. Hindi ko alam kung niloloko lang ba ako ni
Vivian o ano. But Vivian isn't the type to pull pranks like this! Kung meron man,
si Adira o si Raven 'yon. And this topic is too serious...ewan! Hindi ko na alam!

"Nasaan ka?" tanong ko.

"Bahay.... My aunt just got home from Canada," sagot niya. He didn't stutter.
Parang hindi naman siya nagsisinungaling.

Fuck. Ako nga e kaya rin 'yan! Mas magaling ako magsinungaling sa kaniya—kahit
harapan, kaya ko! Hindi ko mahimigan ang pagsisinungaling sa kaniyang boses ngunit
ang kutob ko ay malakas na hindi nga siya nagsasabi ng totoo.

"Facetime tayo," suhestiyon ko. If what Vivian said was true, then there's no way
Adonis' face wouldlook fine. May galos siya panigurado. Hell, Diesel already sent
people to hospital because of his violence! Adonis isn't the type to fight back!
Sigurado akong may bangas siya kahit kaunti! Even if Diesel went easy on him, he'll
never go home without a scratch!

"Miss na miss na ako?" aniya at humalakhak. Humigpit ang kapit ko sa telepono.

"Come on. Facetime tayo," pag-uulit ko. I heard him sighing. Goddamn it!
Nagsisinungaling nga siya! And Diesel really made him his punching bag! Ni wala
siyang balak ipaalam sa 'kin!

At kaya siya hindi pumasok ay dahil may bangas siya. Worse, may bali sa kung saang
parte ng katawan! Hindi ko na talaga alam ang gagawin sa kanilang dalawa. Ano ba
talagang pinag-aawayan nila?

"Malo-low batt na ako..." pagdadahilan niya. I gritted my teeth.

Adonis always wants me to share my problems with him. Lagi niya akong hinahatian sa
pasanin. Nga lang, kapag siya ang may problema ay sinasarili niya lang.

"I-charge mo habang nagfe-Facetime tayo. It's not that difficult," mariin kong
sabi. I heard him inhaling sharply. Nahimigan na siguro niya na may mali sa tono
ko. I couldn't help it! Nag-iisip ako rito nang kung anu-ano!

"That's not really safe, phones emit higher amount of heat when using while plugged
to a power sou—"

"Stop giving me reasons! O ayaw mo ba akong kausap?" pagpuputol ko sa kaniya. Aba,

susubukan pa talaga akong lusutan gamit ang talino niya? Sometimes, I hate his
intelligence.

"We're...we're talking.... Pa'nong ayaw kitang kausap e kausap na nga kita?"

Napapadyak ako sa inis. Why's he so good at things like this?! Hindi ako manalo-
nalo sa kaniya dahil masyado siyang matalinong mag-isip! This is frustrating!
Feeling ko tuloy, ang bobo-bobo ko kapag ginaganito niya 'ko.

"Tangina naman, Adonis! Ano? You don't want me to see you because you're currently
shitfaced, aren't you—"

"What are you talking about? Damn, I want to see you, believe me. I'm in the middle
of a family event, okay?"

"O? E ano'ng problema sa Facetime? We'll see each other, win-win situation!" Habol
ko ang paghinga pagkatapos ng aming sagutan.

I heard him sighing again. "I'll call you, sweetheart. Okay?"

Pinatay niya ang tawag. Mayamaya lamang ay tumawag siya via Messenger. It's a video
call so I thought he really gave in to my request, pero ang gago ay dinisable ang
camera niya! Sa inis ay tinapos ko agad ang tawag. My phone rang again right after
that.

Lalo atang kumulo ang dugo ko nang marinig ang kaniyang halakhak. "O? Bakit mo
pinatay?"

Napairap ako. There's no use hitting the bush when it comes to him. "Ano? Binugbog
ka ni Diesel kaya hindi mo mapakita sarili mo, 'no?"
Hindi siya nakaimik. Bingo! I knew Vivian wasn't lying, this smarty-pants is.

"It doesn't matter—"

"Tinatanong ko kung binugbog ka. Wala akong paki kung may paki ka na binugbog ka.
Sumagot ka nang maayos, Adonis Yeohan, ako'y nanggigigil sa'yo!"

Nagawa niya pang matawa sa aking sinabi. This boy and his guts, sobrang nakakagigil
lang talaga minsan!

"He...he threw me some punches. It's no big deal."

Nasapo ang aking noo sa sobrang frustration. I know Diesel more than he thinks I
do. Alam kong kahit na 'some punches'-kuno lang 'yon, ay malala iyon! Diesel
doesn't play games like that! Sinisiguro niyang lahat ng babangasan niya, may
paglalagyan!

"Bakit? Sinong pinag-awayan niyo? At bakit 'di mo sinasabi sa 'kin?" marahan kong
tanong. I just do hope he's really in his house right now, at wala sa ospital.

"Nothing.... It's our way of celebrating us being best friends," aniya at lalong
natawa. Pakiramdam ko'y puputok na ang ugat ko sa noo dahil ayaw niyang ayusin ang
pagsagot niya!

Napatigil ako sa pakikipag-usap sa kaniya dahil natanaw ko si Diesel na nasa labas

ng kanilang classroom.

"Tatawag ulit ako. Hindi pa tayo tapos, naiintindihan mo?"

His laughter faded. "Okay, sweetheart. Don't skip meals."

Bahagya akong nanlambot sa kaniyang simpleng salita kahit lagi ko iyong naririnig
sa kaniya. Pinatay ko ang tawag at sinilid sa bulsa ng aking pantalon ang cellphone
bago sumugod sa direksyon ng demonyo kong kaibigan. Nilingon niya ako na mukhang
hindi na nabigla.

I grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of that place even when somebody's still
talking him. Pakialam ko ba sasabihin nila. And Diesel let himself be dragged by
me, which means he doesn't mind being pulled out of the conversation.

Binitiwan ko siya nang makarating kami sa likuran ng building. Prente siyang

sumandal sa pader at naglabas ng sigarilyo at agad na sinindihan. Nagawa niya pa
akong ngisian at alukin.

"Ano'ng pinag-awayan niyo ni Adonis?" diretsahan kong tanong. Bumuga siya ng usok
bago sumagot.

"It's not my story to tell," simple niyang sabi.

"At least, give me an idea,"pagmamakaawa ko. Umiling lamang siya. Ginulo niya ang
aking buhok at inakbayan.

"I told you, already. Hindi ako ang dapat na magsabi sa'yo—siya." Nagtangis ang
kaniyang panga. "Just remember that I'm your friend, okay? I'm not going against
you."

Nilingon ko si Diesel. Inipit niya muli ang sigarilyo sa bibig at umiwas na ng

tingin bago ako bitiwan. I looked at him, hoping he'd be swayed by my eyes and tell
me. Umiling lamang siya.
"Emmanuelle, I'm not in the proper position to answer your question. Might as well
just interrogate your boyfriend 'til he gives in. 'Yon ay kung hindi ka niya
matitiis," aniya at iniwan na ako roon, nangangapa at humahagilap pa rin ng lunas
sa kuryosidad at naguguluhan.

Adonis didn't go to school for three days, and Saturday was just around the corner.
Hindi ko na tinanong si Diesel dahil may isang salita ang taong 'yon. Kapag sinabi
niyang ayaw niya, ayaw niya talaga. I can't force him. Baka magalit pa siya sa
'kin.

Alam ko na kung paano ko papupuntahin si Adonis sa 'kin, at gumana naman ang

pananakot ko sa kaniya. Heck, I haven't seen him the whole week! Panay lamang ang
tawag niya tuwing lunch at hapunan. He's been very strict when it comes to my
meals. Lalo na at may plates akong tinatapos, nakakalimutan ko na kumain kung hindi
lang dahil sa mga paalala niya.

On the other note, I haven't talked to my father, yet. Emmarie said he's legit busy
and he's not just making an excuse to not talk to me. Aniya ay kahit siya ay hindi
na rin nito napapansin dahil sa dami ng trabaho. She said he's trying to rush his
works there so he wouldn't have to worry once he comes home here.

No matter how my own father broke my heart, I'd still accept him if he would accept
me. Siguro nga'y sa naglipas ng panahon, approval pa rin ng ama ko ang hinahanap-
hanap ko. He didn't complain that I took Arts as a course. Hindi ko sigurado kung
dahil ba wala siyang ideya na iyon ang kinuha ko, wala na talaga siyang pakialam sa
'kin, o sadyang tanggap na niya ang mga desisyon ko.

INAYOS KO ANG suot na dress shirt. It had The Creation of Adam printed on the chest
area. I paired it with my lace up boots—my usual get-up. However, I'm sans make-up
today. Kapag si Adonis lang ang kasama ko ay tinatamad na ako maglagay.

Kanina pa ako nag-aabang sa lalaking 'yon. I know he'll show up. Subukan niyang
hindi. Patay talaga siya sa akin.

Mayamaya nga ay dumating na ang kaniyang sasakyan. He didn't bother getting out of
the car as I locked the gates. He opened the door for me from the inside. Hindi
niya ako matingnan. Talaga naman, ang lalaking 'to!

Hinugot ko ang susi bago niya pa ma-start ang sasakyan. Pumalatak siya at napakamot
sa tainga.

"Tingin dito," saad ko. His familiar scent enveloped his vehicle. Dahan-dahan niya
akong nilingon ngunit hindi makatingin sa 'kin. Napapalatak ako nang makita ang
putok niyang labi, maging ang galos sa gilid ng kaniyang kaliwang mata, sa may
sentido. Aba! Maswerte siya at 'yan lang ang natamo niya kay Diesel!

"Masakit pa?" tanong ko. He pouted and looked at me.

"It will probably hurt less if you kiss it," aniya at ngumisi. Napairap naman ako.
Since Adonis got exposed to my lifestyle, he'd been really thirsty!Ewan ko ba rito.
Ang tino-tino tingnan pero hindi ko mawari kung malinis ba talaga ang isipan niya.

I heard his violent gasp when I left the shotgun seat and sat astride him.
Napahawak siya sa aking bewang agad-agad. He hissed as he reclined his chair.

"Akin na," saad ko at ginabayan ang kaniyang labi palapit sa akin. Our lips softly
made contact. I saw him smiling after that. Lagi siyang nakangiti kada mahahalikan.
God, I missed this guy.
Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa medyo matagal kaming nagkita kaya ako sabik sa
kaniya. Malas na lang niya dahil may sugat ang labi niya. I don't wanna be too
harsh on his wound. Baka magdugo at lumala pa.

I was about to leave when I felt something beneath me. Adonis let out a harsh
breath and gripped my waist tightly.

"'Wag ka ngang malikot," mariin niyang sabi. He was gradually turning red.
Naramdaman ko rin ang pag-iinit ng aking pisngi sa aking naramdaman.

I bit my lower lip as the worldly thoughts entered my mind. We never made it past
make out sessions. Adonis can control himself like that. For around three months
now, nakaya niyang magtimpi sa sarili.

Napangisi ako sa naisip. I put my hands above his hands on my waist and started to
move on top of him. Humigpit lalo ang kaniyang kapit sa 'kin, pakiramdam ko nga'y
magpapasa na iyon! He closed his eyes shut and threw his back with a groan.

I quickened my pace then slowed it down. Hindi ako natakot dahil tinted ang
kaniyang sasakyan. His chest was rising because of his heavy breathing.

"S-Stop, Emmanuelle!" he growled. Pilit niyang pinipirmi ang aking katawan. Lalo
ata akong ginanahan nang marinig ang pagmumura niyang pabulong. I suddenly felt
feverish and moved for my own pleasure instead of just teasing him. Instead of
grinding, I pumped my hips up and down which resulted to a feral groan from him.

"Fucking hell," malutong niyang sabi at pwersahan akong iniupo sa shotgun seat.
Mabilis niyang inayos ang aking seatbelt at umayos ng kaniyang upo. Ginulo niya ang
kaniyang buhok habang sinandal ang noo sa steering wheel. I chuckled at his
reaction.

"Kaya mo pa?" nanunuya kong tanong. He shot me a glare. Namumula ang kaniyang
tainga at leeg. He was also sweating bullets despite the air con of his car.

Umiling-iling siya. "That's your unique way of saying you missed me, huh?" Ibinato
ko sa kaniya ang susi at nasalo niya iyon. He started the engine and started to
drive away.

Napairap naman ako. "As if you didn't like it," panunuya ko. Sumandal ako sa
pinakagilid ng sasakyan habang nakatingin sa kaniya. Ang guwapo. Gandang view niya
talaga 'pag nagmamaneho. His arm muscles were flexing with his little movements.

I saw him smirk. "The best," aniya at nilingon ako. Hinampas ko siya sa braso.
Tingnan mo 'to! Gusto rin! Bilib din ako sa kontrol niya, e, kahit gaano ako
kabalahura e 'di tuluyang napipigtas ang pisi niya.

Not long after, we arrived at my home. Tinatanaw ko pa lamang ito ay ang dami nang
alaala ang nanunumbalik. Hindi na ako umuwi dito pagkatapos grumaduate ng Senior
High. Simula last year ay nag-apartment na lamang ako. The maids still take care of
the house, though, I can see that.

Bumaba na kami ni Adonis. Sinusuyod niya ng tingin ang buong bahay. Our house's
façade was classical. Hindi na ito pina-repaint na dumagdag sa pagka-vintage nito.
Tumigil ako sa harapan ng gate at pinindot ang doorbell. Wala na palang bantay sa
gate ngayon. Sabagay, wala na rin namang bumibisita ata dito.

Malayo-layong lakarin ang gagawin ng kung sinoman ang pupunta dito para pagbuksan
kami. Napaliligiran kasi ang bahay namin ng malawak na bakanteng lote. Mom liked it
that way. She liked gardening and she used the vast spaces around the house as her
whole plot.

Natigilan si Ate Mina nang makita ako. Napaawang ang aking labi nang makitang may
bitbit siyang bata. Nginitian ko siya at kumaway para maibsan ang kaniyang
pagkabigla. Pagkatapos ay nagmamadali niya akong pinagbuksan. Her appearance did
not change that much.

"Ellie! Hindi ka nagsasabi! Sana nagpaluto kami!" saad niya at pinapasok kami ni
Adonis. Adonis slightly bowed as he greeted her. Napalingon sa kaniya si Ate Mina
at nilingon ako nang may nakataas na kilay. Ngumiti lamang ako sa kaniya at mukhang
naintindihan na niya agad.

"Ayos lang po..... Saglit lang naman po ako," saad ko. Ate Mina shouted to announce
that I'm here. Napalabas naman iyong iilang maids na naiwan dito sa bahay. Adonis
was just right behind me as I paid my respect to them. Nana was just smiling at me.

Nagpaluto sila kahit na hindi na kailangan. Umakyat muna kami ni Adonis sa kwarto
ko habang naghahanda sila. Wala ring umimik tungkol sa biglaan kong pag-alis sa
mansyon. Mukhang alam nilang wala ng halagang pag-usapan iyon.

Ate Mina's child was just one year old. Tisoy ito at namana ang kutis ng ina.
Bilugin ang mata na tila nangungusap. Karga-karga ko ito sa aking kwarto habang si
Adonis ay nililibot ang tingin sa kabuuan.

My room's still clean despite me being away from here. Wala na itong masyadong
gamit. My old artworks were still here, though, and my jewelry box. Iniwan ko iyon
dito dahil delikadong dal'hin sa apartment. For years, Dad gave me necklaces as a
birthday present. Mom gave me art materials and rings. Natakot akong mawala o
manakaw ang mga iyon kaya iniwan ko na lang dito.

Adonis opened the glass container of my necklaces. Sinisipat niya iyon at marahang
hinahaplos. Sinara niya rin iyon pagkatapos at nilingon kami ni Yohan, ang anak ni
Ate Mina. Kanina nga'y tinatawag si Yohan ng isa pang katulong at lumingon si
Adonis dahil akala niya'y siya ang tinatawag.

Adonis smiled at the sight of me carrying the kid. Lumapit siya at bahagyang
pinisil ang pisngi ng bata. Mayamaya ay nilabas niya ang kaniyang phone at tinapat
sa 'min. I immediately smiled for the camera. Sinipat muna ni Adonis ang litrato
bago ibalik sa kaniyang bulsa ang phone.

Mayamaya ay nilahad niya ang kaniyang kamay para buhatin ang bata. I carefully gave
him Yohan. Yohan was looking at him, like he's observing Adonis' features. Sinaway
ko si Adonis nang pisilin nito ang ilong ng bata at pakiramdam ko'y iiyak na kaya
binawi ko na sa kaniya.

"Bad Tito Ayeon, 'no?" saad ko sa bata. Binaon ni Yohan ang kaniyang mukha sa aking
balikat habang marahan ko siyang inuugoy.

"Tita Ellie, huh?" tanong niya. I scowled. Mukhang manghang-mangha siya na Ellie
ang palayaw ko sa ilang kasamabhay. Syempre, parehas kaming 'Emma' ni Emmarie,
malamang ay iibahin nila ang tawag lalo na noong na'ndito pa sila. Ang hirap naman
na parehas kaming lilingon ni Emmarie 'pag tumawag sila ng Emma.

Bahagya akong umiwas nang pisilin niya ang aking pisngi. Tinagilid niya ang ulo
habang nakatingin sa 'min ng batang parang makakatulog na ata sa bisig ko.

"I can't wait for you to be the mother of our children..." mahina niyang sabi. He
let out a sigh. Bahagya atang nag-init ang aking pisngi sa kaniyang sinabi.
"Excited lang?" pagbibiro ko. Lumapit siya at hinapit ang aking bewang. His
chuckles filled my ear. He kissed the side of my head

"You have no idea about my fantasies, sweetheart."

☽☾

Chapter 20

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti18
chapter eighteen

NAKATULOG NA NGA si Yohan sa aking bisig. Kanina ko pa sinasaway si Adonis dahil

pilit niyang pinipisil iyong pisngi ng batang mahimbing nang natutulog at
nananahimik.

"What? Ang cute kaya, ang taba," aniya habang nakataas ang dalawang braso na
mistulang sumusuko. Baka magising 'yung bata!

Nang mapansin niyang nabubuwisit na talaga ako sa kaniya ay saka lang siya tumigil.
I didn't know he's fond of kids. Mayamaya lamang ay tinawag na kami ni Ate Mina
para kumain ng tanghalian. I gave her the sleeping Yohan at ihiniga niya muna iyon
sa crib.

Magkatabi kami ni Adonis sa hapag. They kept asking me questions but they didn't
bother asking about the past. Puro pangungumusta lamang ang kanilang tinatanong.
Just the basics: my course, my studies, my studio, and my friends. Paminsan-minsa'y
kinakausap nila si Adonis. Halata ko namang gusto na nilangmagtanong kung ano ko
ang lalaking 'to ngunit nangangapa sila. I can't blame them. They know me as
someone who had temper issues as a child. Natatakot sila na masira ang magandang
araw sa maling pagtatanong nila.

"Emmanuelle," malamig na tawag sa 'kin ni Nana pagkatapos naming kumain. Nilalaro

ni Adonis si Yohan na nasa crib dahil nagising ito at may ginagawa pa si Ate Mina
kaya 'di niya maasikaso. Dahan-dahan akong napalingon kay Nana. Malamig ang
kaniyang tingin kay Adonis habang naka-upo sa loveseat katapat ng couch na
pinupwestuhan namin.

"Po?" tugon ko. Ang tingin niya ay na kay Adonis at mukhang hindi naman iyon
napapansin ng isa. Nilipat niya ang kaniyang tingin sa 'kin. Mistulang may gusto
siyang sabihin ngunit hindi niya maituloy-tuloy. Umiling lamang siya at umiwas ng
tingin.

Kumunot ang aking noo roon ngunit hindi na lang masyadong pinag-isipan. I wonder if
Nana approves of Adonis. I'm pretty sure may contact pa rin sila kay Dad, since
siya pa rin ang nagpapasweldo sa kanila. Well, I'm not sure if Dad will approve of
me being in a relationship, pero sana naman ay pumayag na siya. Adonis is a good
guy. I'm sure Dad will like him.

"Hijo, ilang taon ka na?"

Napatigil si Adonis sa paglalaro sa bata. Yohan continued to slap Adonis' face

using his small hands while laughing. Napalingon sa 'kin si Adonis na mukhang
bahagyang nangangamba. I smiled at him. Tingnan mo 'to, may kaba rin palang
nakatago sa katawan. I let my hand rest on his thigh and squeezed it.
"Twenty-two po," magalang niyang sagot. I saw him smile a little but Nana continued
giving him the stoic expression. Unti-unting napawi ang ngiti ni Adonis.
Napabuntong-hininga siya at dahan-dahang kinapa ang aking kamay sa kaniyang hita.
His large hand enveloped mine. Mahigpit ang kapit niya roon na tila takot sa kung
ano.

"Ah, edi ahead ka pala kay Ellie. Pakiramdam ko'y nakita na kasi kita sa school
nila dati.... Tama ba ako?"

Adonis tried to smile. I can sense his nervousness while talking to Nana. Hindi
naman ganito si Nana sa mga kaibigan ko dati. Well, Adonis is not just a friend,
anyway. He's the first guy I introduced as a special someone...sort of. Hindi ko
iyon nilinaw, hinayaan ko silang mag-isip kung ano ang iisipin nila kay Adonis.

"Opo.... Hindi ko lang po tanda kung nakita ko na kayo dati. Ngayong taon lang po
kami nagkakilala ni Emma," tipid niyang sagot. I ran my thumb on his palm to soothe
his nervousness.

Nana shifted on her seat. Her chinky eyes continued to observe Adonis like he's
weak prey. Kunot ang kaniyang noo na mukhang may iniisip. Nana had always looked
intimidating. She was strict but reasonable. Kahit na may katandaan siya ay 'di pa
rin nagbabago ang kaniyang aura. She still has that strong personality and
intimidating air.

"Hindi, e. Sigurado ako. Nakita na kita sa room nila dati," Nana pressed. Nilingon
niya ako. Umiling lamang ako. I was never aware of Adonis' existence back then.

"Bago pa ma-engage si Ellie kay Archer...bago pa umalis sina Marie...nandoon ka sa

room nila..." Nana trailed, she squinted her eyes as if she's remembering even the
slightest details of that certain day she claims to have seen Adonis.

Hindi niya pinakakawalan si Adonis sa kaniyang tingin. Adonis scratched his

eyebrows, unsure of what to say. Mabuti na lamang at dumating si Ate Mina para
maibsan ang tensyon. I heard Adonis letting out a sigh of relief when Ate Mina
started to ask me lighter questions. Kitang-kita ko ang butil ng pawis sa noo ni
Adonis sa sobrang takot kay Nana.

But the tension came back when Ate Mina left to bathe Yohan. Naramdaman kong
humigpit muli ang kapit sa 'kin ni Adonis. Grabe. Kay Nana palang ay ganito na
siya. What more if si Dad na ang kaharap niya?

Well, same goes for me. I haven't met his parents, yet. Si Selene pa lang ang
kamag-anak niyang nakilala ko na. Selene's younger, so it wasn't really
intimidating. I wonder if Adonis' parents are as intimidating as Nana. Sana naman
ay hindi.

"Ikaw 'yon. Sigurado ako."

Hindi ko mawari kung bakit pinipilit ni Nana iyon. What's the big deal about it?
Nakita niya lang naman si Adonis sa room, that's it! Kung iniisip niyang matagal na
kaming naglilihim ni Adonis, e nagkakamali siya. Plus, maybe it's just her age.
Matanda na si Nana kaya siguro ganiyan na ang mood niya.

"Pinsan ko po siguro—Ajax Revillanes, he's Emma's batchmate," sagot niya at

nilingon ako. Tumango-tango si Nana. She didn't say anything else before leaving us
there. Nang makaalis si Nana ay naisandal ni Adonis ang noo sa crib ni Yohan na
akala mo'y malaking pasanin ang natanggal sa kaniyang likod.
"That...that was scary," mahina niyang bulong. Bahagya akong natawa sa reaksyon
niya. Inilapit niya ang magkahawak na kamay namin sa kaniyang labi. He planted a
soft kiss on the back of my palm.

"Sorry," I said. He nodded. Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga na mukhang 'di maka-
move on sa ginawang interrogation ni Nana.

"Uuwi nga pala sina Dad," saad ko. I saw him stiffen. Tumango-tango siya. He
brushed his lower lip with his tongue and looked at me.

"Kailan?"

I shrugged. "December pa naman. Two months preparation ka pa," pagbibiro ko. I

stopped laughing when he did not laugh. Kumunot ang noo ko.

"What's wrong?"

Adonis looked at me with such pained expression I couldn't explain with words.
There was worry and fear in his irises; traces of unsettlement stayed in his eyes.
His lips parted in attempt to speak, but then he closed it shut like he changed his
mind. Bahagyang sumibol ang kaba sa aking dibdib sa hindi niya pag-imik.

I am very open when it comes to Adonis. My problems, my secrets, my fears, the

things I'm afraid to say, I tell him. Lalo lamang nanaig sa 'king isipan na siya ay
hindi ganoon sa 'kin. He rarely tells me things. I haven't heard a single problem
of his. He never opened up.

"Nothing, sweetheart.... Don't worry about it," mababa niyang bulong. Hinigpitan
niya ang kapit sa aking kamay at dinala iyon sa kaniyang pisngi. He slowly let go
of my hand as I caressed his cheeks and his jaw. Sumisilip na ang facial hair sa
kaniya. It made him look a bit rougher and manlier.

He closed his eyes shut and leaned on the couch. He stretched his arm and pulled me
closer. Isinandal ko ang aking ulo sa kaniyang bisig habang nilalandas ng aking
daliri ang kaniyang mukha. I carefully touched the wound near his eyes. He slightly
flinched with the contact.

"Can we stay like this?" he murmured, eyes still closed. Napangiti ako. Of course.

The sunlight peeking through the sheer curtains grazed his skin, making him glow
like a god. I carefully traced the shadow on his face, my fingertips admiring the
littlest details. I touched the mole on his left eyelid, the very faint birthmark
just above his right eyebrow, resembling a slightly distorted and altered Orion. My
fingertips slow danced near his jaw, the rough stubble slightly pricking my skin. I
went back to his nose, to the spot a tad shade darker than his skintone because of
the bridge of his eyeglasses.

Mayamaya ay nagmulat siya. My heart wildly thumped against my ribcages just by

staring at him. God, he's beautiful. Looking at his beauty makes my heart clench.

"I hope we can stay like this...forever," mahina niyang sabi. Natigilan ang daliri
ko sa paghaplos sa kaniyang mukha. His eyes fluttered because of the contact with
the young afternoon light.

Saglit akong natigilan. He stood up, and my hand fell on the couch. Diretso ang
lakad niya palabas. Hindi na siya lumingon muli.

Bakit, Adonis? Hindi ba tayo mananatiling ganito? Wala na akong planong iwanan
ka.... Ikaw ba, may plano ka bang iwanan ako?
I DID NOT let my negative thoughts eat me alive. Pinabayaan ko na lamang iyong
nangyari sa bahay dati. Adonis and I are okay. Siguro'y masyado lang akong nag-
iisip.

You see, once you experience being left behind, the fear of it happening again is
inexplicable, and it becomes inevitable to be always scared of it. Hindi ka
lilisanin ng takot na iyon. Nakakapraning. Babaliwin ka nang tuluyan hanggang sa
ikaw na mismo ang magtulak sa kanila palayo. And having my family be the first ones
to break my heart, it wasn't easy for me. I've doubted myself countless of times.
I've hated myself since then. Why would people choose to be with me, right? Kung
sakali man, they'd just leave when I'm not convenient for them, anymore.

Hindi na namin pinag-usapan iyon. At least, I'm happy at the moment. We're happy.
That's what matters. I shouldn't stress over the things that are probably just
products of my sick mind. Ayaw ko. Ayaw kong makulong sa mundong ang isip ko lang
ang gumawa—nakakatakot at madilim.

Time really flies faster when you're in the arms of bliss. Sometimes I just want to
pause it, to pull it back just a little bit.

I don't want us to end.

Hindi ko inaalis ang posibilidad na iyon sa aking isip. I'm still in touch with the
reality, and I'd like to hope for the best, but a part of me is already expecting
the worst. Pakiramdam ko'y mas masasaktan lang ako kapag winaksi ko ang posibilidad
na iyon. But what can I do? Hindi ko kontrolado ang mga pangyayari sa hinaharap.

It's painful just by thinking of that possibility. But, it's still a possibility.
It may happen without warning.

Heck, if I could rearrange the stars and just align the planets to be in our
favour, I would. If I can freeze hell and pull down the angels and beg for their
mercy, I would. It's scary. The things I can do for him are scary. To be this
devoted was new to me.

Still, Diesel wasn't in good terms with Adonis. Nitong mga nakaraang araw ay hindi
ko nakakasabay si Adonis sa tanghalian dahil lagi akong sinusundo ni Diesel sa
room. Adonis, being the understanding guy that he is, didn't make a big fuss out of
it. Isa pa, pinaninindigan niya talaga na best friend na niya si Diesel kahit hindi
alam ng kaibigan ko. Basta raw para sa kaniya, mag-best friend na sila.

"I have something," anunsyo ni Diesel habang kumakain kami. Adira looked at him and
raised her brow.

"Ano na naman 'yan?" tanong ni Raven. Diesel shifted on his seat to get something
from the back pocket of his jeans. Pinakita niya sa amin ang limang pulang papel na
mukhang ticket. Kumunot ang noo ko roon.

"The heck is this?" tanong ni Adira at kumuha ng isa. They all picked one, ako
lamang ang hindi. Diesel was looking at me with one brow arched upwards. Inirapan
ko lamang siya at kinuha iyon.

"Seriously? Kailan ka pa naging kaibigan ni Maxim?" takang tanong ko. The paper
says that it's for Maxim's birthday. Diesel rolled his eyes.

"That guy's better than your boyfr—"

Hindi niya natapos ang sasabihin dahil malakas siyang siniko ni Adira. Diesel
groaned and touched his torso while looking at Addie in disbelief. I bit my lower
lip from the inside to control myself.

These past few days, Diesel has been very vocal of his hatred towards Adonis. Raven
told me not to mind his words. He said Diesel's just 'one jealous motherfucker'
because he's single. Ngunit may mga pagkakataong nadidismaya ako na hindi ako
masuportahan ni Diesel sa kagustuhan ko.

Diesel played a great role in my life. He gave me a chance to live again, to look
at the world differently. If it weren't for him, I'd be a cold corpse right now,
buried six feet underground. Hindi ko sana nakilala si Adira. Hindi ko sana
nakilala si Adonis. Hindi ko sana nakitang nagkaanak si Ate Mina. Hindi ko sana
nakilala sina Maxim, Van, at Finn. Hindi ko sana nasaksihan ang pagkapanalo ni
Vivian sa exhibit. I wouldn't have made up with my twin and father.

Malaki ang utang na loob ko sa kaniya, ngunit 'di ko rin naman mapigilan ang
bahagyang magtampo sa kinikilos niya ngayon. Kung dati'y hindi siya umiimik tungkol
kay Adonis, ngayon ay bulgaran na. I don't even know why! And he wouldn't tell me
why he suddenly hates Adonis so much!

Inirapan lamang ni Adira si Diesel. Diesel rolled his eyes back in return kaya
naman siniko siya muli ni Addie.

"It's his birthday. One of his bandmates planned a party for him. You know Maxim,
that guy's not into those kinds of places...." saad ni Diesel. I nodded. Pwede
naman akong pumunta, but that means I'll have Adonis with me. E, ang problema'y
hindi ko nga pwedeng pagsamahin sa iisang lugar si Adonis at Diesel.

"Can I bring Adonis?" kaswal kong tanong. Diesel scowled. Binato siya ni Vivian ng
gamit na tissue dahil sa pag-iinarte niya.

"Ano bang problema mo sa lalaking 'yon, ha?" tanong ni Vivian, bahagyang iritado
na. I've opened up to her about my thoughts on Diesel and his ridiculous hatred for
Adonis. Parehas kami ng iniisip.

Diesel's lips twitched in annoyance. "Okay, fine! I'm the devil here! The
antagonist! But I'm not pulling some strings to get him an invitation. Bahala ka
paano mo siya ipapasok doon," parang batang nagmamaktol nitong sabi.

Raven laughed. "Tinatawa-tawa mo diyan, ha? Gusto mo bawiin ko 'yang binigay ko

sa'yo?"iritableng tanong ni Diesel.

"Tangina ka. Lakas ng topak mo ngayon," saad ni Raven at lalong natawa.

Iritang-irita na si Diesel, halata sa pagkunot ng noo niya at malalim na

pagsimangot. His jaw violently clenched with distaste. Nasapo niya ang noo at
umiwas ng tingin, mistulang nagpipigil na si Raven ang mapagbuntunan niya.

"Adonis is friends with Rosseau, and Canencia has a younger brother in the varsity.
Put those together, voila! Paniguradong may invitation 'yon," saad ni Raven.

"Rosseau?" tanong ni Adira. Tumaas din ang kilay ko. Hindi ko rin kilala 'yon e.

"Si Cho, that's his real name," sagot ni Raven.

See? Pati iyon ay 'di ko alam. Kaibigan siya ni Adonis pero ni buong pangalan niya
ay hindi ko alam. It makes me wonder how little I know about Adonis. Something
inside me hurt for a bit.
Diesel let out a harsh breath dahil alam niyang talo siya kay Raven. He ended up
walking out on us. Napailing na lang ako. I wonder what Adonis did to make Diesel
that mad.

NAGING UGALI NA namin ni Adonis ang magtigil sa apartment ko kada tapos ng klase.
He'll stay until 8 o' clock, pinapauwi ko na kasi siya agad. Kadalasan kasi kapag
nagtatagal siya ay ayaw na niya umalis.

We ordered take-outs from a nearby fastfood place. Pinanonood ko lamang siya habang
may librong nakabukas sa kaniyang tapat at sandamakmak na papel sa tabihan. Hawak
niya ang isang ballpen sa kaliwang kamay habang hirap na nagsusulat sa kaniyang
spiral na notebook.

Tahimik lamang akong nanonood. Kunot ang kaniyang noo habang nagsasagot, paminsan-
minsa'y pumapalatak kapag nagkakamali. He looks extra hot for me when he studies.
He's too focused on what he's doing, eyes too determined and sharp.

He removed his glasses and threw his head back a little. His palm shoved his hair
away from his forehead. Mukhang mahirap iyong ginagawa niya. Nilingon niya ako na
tahimik na nanonood habang inuubos iyong fries na binili namin.

Inilapag niya ang salamin sa lamesa. He looked at me and sighed. Kumuha ako ng
fries at inilapit sa kaniyang bibig na agad niyang kinain. He pushed his chair
back.

"Dito ka nga," aniya at tinapik ang kaniyang hita. Inirapan ko lamang aiya.

"Marami kang ginagawa. Tapusin mo muna 'yan. 'Wag ka ngang malandi," saway ko. He
pouted.

"Bilis na.... Saglit lang, pantanggal ng pagod."

Well, he did look tired. Inoorasan ko siya at isang oras na siyang tutok sa
ginagawa. Hindi naman ako nagrereklamong manood lang sa kaniya. I like looking at
Adonis. He can just sit there and study and I'd stare at him for hours with no
complaints.

Tumayo na ako na siyang kinangiti niya. Mabilis niyang pinulupot ang braso sa aking
bewang at pinahinga ang kaniyang ulo sa aking balikat.

"Matatapos ka na ba?" tanong ko at sinilip iyong ginagawa niya. Wala naman akong
maintindihan!

"Hmm, not quite..." mababa niyang sabi. I pulled away when I felt him kissing my
neck.

"Tumigil ka," saway ko. He chuckled but continued on what he's doing.

Dumampot siya ng fries at pansamantalang nilubayan ang aking leeg. Inilapit niya sa
aking bibig iyong isa. By accident, my lips sucked on the tip of his finger. I saw
something in his eyes flicker. Walang sabi-sabi niya akong binuhat at iniupo sa
lamesa.

"'Yong paperworks mo!" I exclaimed but it seemed like he didn't hear anything.
Hinagip niya agad ang aking labi na nagpatigil sa aking pagsasalita at
pagrereklamo. My limbs started to weaken with each graze of his tongue on mine. He
reached for my hand and put it on his nape. I accidentally let out a whimper when
his hard chest pressed against mine. Wala sa sarili kong naiyapos ang mga binti sa
kaniyang bewang.
His palms felt rough against my naked thigh. Sometimes, I regret teaching Adonis
what he knows now. My influence on him drives me insane and he's well aware of it
all! He always uses it against me, turning me to a defenseless woman under his
mercy.

Humiwalay lamang siya nang marinig ang pagbagsak ng kaniyang libro. His breathing
was ragged as observed by the movement of his chest. The fire in his eyes is
nothing close to being tamed, but Adonis being himself, has it controlled.

"You're supposed to be my stress reliever," aniya. Tumaas ang kilay ko. Hinalikan
niya ang gilid ng aking labi.

"I'm not so sure about that now. Truth be told, you're always stressing me out,
especially at times like this..."

I tapped his chest so that he'd back away. Mabuti na lang at 'di ko naupuan iyong
notebook niya. Some of his scratch-papers were crumpled, though. Gusot-gusot ang
mga papel na may mga numerong nakasulat.

He lazily picked up the book and tossed it on the table. Napansin ko ang paghikab
niya.

I'm having second thoughts on whether to open up the topic about Maxim's birthday
party at Spades or not. Mukhang pagod na pagod na siya. Well, I'm not sure if he'll
let me go alone, though.

"Uh.... Pupunta ako sa birthday ni Maxim...."

His brows shot up at that. His jaw clenched for a moment, but his eyes were soft
when he shifted his gaze to me. "Okay, we'll go."

So, tama nga si Raven na may invitation din si Adonis, which means I have to
separate him from Diesel all throughout the night.

"'Di ka pa ba pagod?" tanong ko.

"Gusto mo bang pumunta?" tanong niya pabalik. I nodded. He gave me a warm smile and
messed with my hair.

"Then, we'll go. Don't mind me. I can manage."

Ganoon na nga ang nangyari. I was kind of worried that he didn't get to finish his
schoolwork, pero 'di ko ma-open ang topic dahil alam kong isasara niya rin agad.

He already has clothes in my apartment dahil nag-iwan na talaga siya ng mga gamit
niya. I didn't bother wearing something bold, just some dark jeans and a white
smocked tube top. Adonis never complains on what I wear. Titingin lang siya na
mukhang gustong magreklamo, ngunit 'di niya ginagawa.

THE STREETLIGHTS KISSED his face, pigments of red and orange rested on the hollow
of his cheeks. Nagpapahinga ang isa niyang kamay sa aking hita habang ang isa ay
nasa steering wheel.

Before we got inside, I discreetly messaged Adira. Mabuti na lang at lagi niyang
hawak ang kaniyang cellphone at mabilis siyang naka-reply.

Emmanuelle:
Where's D the dickhead?
Adira:
Kasama ko. Nasan si Adonis?

Emmanuelle:
Kararating lang namin. You think Diesel will make a scene?

Adira:
No, may usapan na kami.
Gotchu, babe.

Napangiti ako sa kaniyang mensahe. Adira really knows how to put Diesel's shit
together. Hanggang ngayon talaga ay iniisip ko pa rin kung paano sila nagkakilala
dahil pakiramdam ko'y mas matagal na silang magkakilala kaysa sa 'ming lahat.

Emmanuelle:
Thanks.

Adira:
The Vi siblings are at the C Area.

We showed the red passes to the bouncer in front before they let us in. Adonis held
my waist as we walked in the middle of the crowd. Hindi ko maaninag kung nasaan
sila Vivian dahil sa dami ng tao.

Napatigil kami nang may makasalubong. Nanlalaki ang mga mata, halos mabuga na ni
Lila ang kaniyang iniinom. Recognition crossed her upturned eyes as she looked at
me.

"Emmanuelle!" tawag niya. Ngumiti ako at lumapit. Naamoy ko na ang alak sa kaniya
pagkatapos niya makipag-beso.

"Ano? Kumusta ka na? Are you...fine now?" nangangapa niyang tanong. Tumango ako.
Lilianne is Emmarie's friend way back high school. Ngayon na lang ulit kami
nagkita. I kept my circle so small after the incident with the Dyquiangco and the
death of Mom. So, we kind of broke ties with each other. Dumagdag pa na umalis si
Emmarie na siyang common ground namin kaya naman 'di na kami ganoong ka-close.

"Of course,"sagot ko. Nilipat ang tingin niya sa kasama ko. I saw how Adonis
gradually stiffened. Nginitian niya si Lila ngunit pakiramdam ko'y may mali.

"Adonis? As in Adonis Yeohan Revillanes?" manghang-mangha niyang sabi at itinuro

ang kasama ko. I nodded.

Hindi na ako magtataka na kilala siya ni Lila. I think Adonis is an alumnus of our
school, at isa pa, who the heck doesn't know him, right? And Lila studies at the
same uni, so it's not a shocker.

"Hi," tipid na bati ni Adonis. Nilingon ako ni Lila.

"Bakit kayo magkasama?" tanong nito. Tumaas ang kilay ko ngunit hindi inalis ang
ngisi. I don't know if she just wants to hear it from me o anoman. Hindi pa ba
obvious ang sagot? But Lila has always been really slow, sa pagkakatanda ko.
Inosenteng-inosente ang pagkakatanong niya na mukhang wala talagang ideya.

"Emmanuelle's my...friend," sagot ni Adonis.

Pakiramdam ko'y binuhusan ako ng nagyeyelong tubig. I swallowed the bile crawling
on my throat. Nilingon ko si Adonis ngunit hindi siya makalingon sa 'kin.
Lila nodded enthusiastically. May dumating na isa pang pamilyar na mukha sa 'kin at
kinumusta ako ngunit hindi na ako makangiti at makasagot.

Something inside my chest tightened. A pang of pain rushed through it. Its violent
beating was all I could hear. Nagpaalam ako para maglakad at hanapin ang mga
kaibigan.

"Emma," tawag sa 'kin ni Adonis ngunit hindi ko siya nilingon. Dire-diretso lamang
ang aking lakad, pinagsisiksikan ang sarili sa mga lasing na katawan para hindi na
niya maabutan.

Something inside me shattered, I'm not sure what it is...but...I'm not liking this.

Chapter 21

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti19
chapter nineteen

I IGNORED ADONIS. The environment was on my side this time. His voice was drowned
by the wild surges of the sound waves from bass boosted mainstream music booming
inside Spades.

His words kept on resonating inside my head. His lip was a gun, the trigger pulled
without warning. His words coiled into a bullet delving into my already-fragile
flesh, sinking in deeper as if scarring me wasn't enough. With no signs of
contentment, it pressed against my bones until it made a crack.

A friend, he said. Tama nga naman siya. We never confirmed anything between us two.
One night, he was drunk—sober, he said—and I was aggressive; I gave into him and
fulfilled his so-called dreams of me crashing my lips into his, and that's just it.
He never said that he's committed to me; I didn't say it neither. This time, it's
my fault. I got blinded by the bliss, slowly detaching from facts and reality.

Meh, I shrugged. I have no one to blame but myself.

Since when did I become this stupid and unaware?

This isn't the first time I got into a relationship like this—the not serious, pure
fun, and just a fall-back company with make out sessions in between. Hindi ko naman
kasi inakala na ganoon lamang ang hanap ni Adonis.

Who would have guessed, right? Someone as prim and proper as him, formal, always
serious...and all this time, what he wanted was just a fling? It doesn't seem
right. O baka naman nabulag lang talaga ako sa paghanga sa kaniya. That guy is
ridiculously near perfection in my mind. His image was pure and untainted, I must
have overlooked that he's a douche. He's the faculty members' favourite student, a
great friend, a reliable classmate. He loves his family. He's understanding,
caring, and he knows his way to a girl's heart very well. Wala na halos hihilingin
ang kung sinomang gagawin niyang nobya.

At akala ko, ako na 'yon.

Putangina,hindi pala.

Hindi ko na alam kung saan ako dinala ng aking paa. My heels hurt and my arms were
already sweaty but I didn't care. Nang makita si Van ay hindi na ako nagdalawang-
isip na lumapit. He was dancing with three girls, casually moving with an annoying
smirk on his face while holding a cup.

Gumuhit ang pagkagulat sa kaniyang mata nang agawin ko sa kaniya iyong hawak niyang
cup. I clicked my tongue to identify what drink that was. Si Van ay agad na lumapit
sa akin at inignora iyong mga babae sa paligid niya. I saw how they all looked at
me like I'm their most hated girl as of the moment. Tinaasan ko lamang sila ng
kilay. 'Wag nila akong hamunin ngayon dahil baka patulan ko talaga sila.

"I'm not flirting with you," pauna kong sabi nang makalapit si Van. Amusement
filled his eyes. Tinagilid niya ang ulo na mukhang inoobserbahan ako. Inirapan ko
lamang siya at tinalikuran.

"Just so you know, you're not really my type. Inaasar lang talaga kita dati,"
aniya. Nilingon ko siya. He wiggled his brows at me. I scrunched my face to mock
him.

"Talaga lang?" tanong ko. He scoffed. He leaned on the wall and shielded me from
the strobe lights. Good job, Van! Kung alam mo lang kung gaano kalaking tulong ka
sa pagtatago at pagtakas ko.

He chuckled. "Seryoso nga. I was just teasing you."

Naamoy ko na ang alak sa kaniyang hininga. I don't think he's that drunk, though.
Napisat ang cup nang ipitin ko iyon sa aking palad at sa kaniyang dibdib.
Humalukipkip ako. I really have no idea what to do right now. I can't escape from
Adonis forever, but...I don't want to see him right now.

"Where's the birthday boy?" tanong ko. Umiling lamang si Van, still not removing
his arm above my head, nakatuon ang kaniyang siko sa pader na aking sinasandalan.
He towered over me, just enough to not be noticed by anyone.

"Sinusundo pa ni Finn. May family dinner pa kasi sila bago siya pupunta dito. Wait,
may regalo ka ba?"

I sighed. Umiling ako. Van rolled his eyes.

"Pwede na 'yang na'ndito ka. Wala rin kaming regalo, e.... Basta, babatiin mo 'yon,
ha?" utos niya sa 'kin na akala mo'y binabayaran niya ako. Naningkit ang mata ko sa
kaniya.

"Come on, Emma! I know you're aware of Maxim's little crush on you.... 'Wag mo nang
ipagdamot! Birthday naman ng tao,"pangongonsensiya niya. I scowled and pushed him a
little bit when started to sort of stumble because of the crowd.

"Oo na, oo na..." pagsuko ko. He gestured for a high-five that I just ignored.
Sapilitan niyang kinuha ang kamay ko para ipaglapat sa kaniyang palad na parang
bata.

Hindi na ako nag-abalang hanapin sina Vivian dahil kay Van. Marami siyang kwento
tungkol sa kung ano-ano. We talked about a lot of things—well, it's just mostly him
on the talking part, and I played more on the listening and giving him snarky
remarks whenever I have the chance. Pero sa totoo lang, matino pala siyang kausap.
He kept on talking about music and tragedies, to literature and sex, burnt
cigarettes and his list of exes-but-not-really. He was talkative. Hindi ata
napapagod ang kaniyang bibig sa pagsasalita.

The best part of it was he took me inside a private room with some of his friends.
That way, no way in hell Adonis would see even a shadow of me. Hindi ko rin siya
makikita. And as the saying goes: out of sight, out of mind. With a few shots of
alcohol, it did work its miracle.

Mayamaya ay kami na lamang ang natira dahil ginusto ng mga kaibigan niyang lumabas
patungo sa dancefloor. I stayed with Van inside because the couch here is more
cozy. Plus, it's quieter. Hindi gaanong kalakas ang maririnig na music dito.
Masisira na ata ang eardrums ko sa labas.

"My sister was the prettiest girl I've met. Mom was the most beautiful," biglaan
niyang ani. Napalingon ako sa kaniya. His ears were red already.

The sudden shift to a far more serious topic piqued my interest. Drunk people
really have lots of stories to tell, huh?

"'Pag ako nagkaroon ng asawa, hinding-hindi ko 'yon iiwan," aniya, lumalabas na ang
tunog ng pagkalasing.

"Bakit?" tanong ko. Van doesn't really have a nice reputation with girls, pero wala
naman siyang sineryosong ginawang girlfriendat biglaang iniwan sa ere.

"My father cheated on my Mom," he mumbled. Napaayos ako nang upo sa biglaan niyang
pag-open up.

"You don't have to tell me your private life, Van. Kung kinukwento mo 'yan para
manatili akong kasama ka, itigil mo na dahil hindi naman ako aalis kahit manahimik
ka," agap ko. I don't want him to regret opening up to someone he's not really
close with once he's sober.

Umiling siya at bahagyang natawa. "No, no.... I want to tell you."

Tumango ako sa kaniya. Binalik niya ang tingin sa mga bote sa lamesa. "My first
niece died...."

I felt his sadness in every word, dripping with longing and a dash of anger.
Umiling siya sa sarili.

"Pati si Ate, niloko ng boyfriend niya. She had a miscarriage. I was almost jailed
because I almost killed the guy...."

My lips parted in shock. Van let out a shaky breath and he looked at me. Binalik
niya ang kaniyang ngisi.

"So when the time finally comes that I'll meet the girl for me, I'll make sure she
won't suffer like that. I've seen the girls I love the most miserable, I don't want
my girl to experience the same."

Napatanga na lang ako sa kaniyang sinabi. Here's Van, someone who flirts a lot, and
he's this serious when it comes to having a girlfriend. Samantalang si Adonis,
mukha lang seryoso, fling lang pala ang hanap.

The world really works in such unbelievable manner, huh? Akalain mo 'yun?

I closed my eyes shut. No thinking about Adonis, Emma. Stop.

"So, d'you get what I'm saying?" aniya. He leaned forward. Kumunot ang noo ko at
umiling.

"Boys in bands are the best," he declared and chuckled. Napairap muli ako sa
kaniya. What a way to ruin the mood. Itinulak ko siya nang bahagya para ilayo ang
nakakabuwisit niyang mukha sa 'kin.

"And Maxim's a good guy—he'll stay loyal to you, he'll serenade you to sleep, he'll
be that cute Instagram boyfriend—"

"Saglit, saglit, saglit," pigil ko sa kaniya. His brows shot up and I looked at him
in disbelief.

"Sinabi mo ba lahat ng 'yon para lang ireto sa 'kin 'yung kabigan mo?" tanong ko. I
don't think his story is fabricated. The way he narrated it earlier felt real. His
emotions were raw, but now I'm doubting the purpose of that.

Humalakhak si Van. "Hindi naman.... Medyo lang?"

Umiling ako. Ridiculous. This guy's unbelievable! Ang labo talagang basahin ng pag-
iisip niya.

"Seriously, Emma. Crush ka pa nga lang e loyal na sa'yo, pa'no pa kapag kayo na?"
aniya at lalong lumakas ang tawa. Hindi ko mapigilang hindi mapatawa dahil
nakakatawa iyong tawa niya!

I heard the ping of his phone. He pulled it out from the back pocket of his jeans.
Tumaas ang kilay niya at napangisi sa kung anomang nabasa.

"Maxim's here," anunsyo niya. Pumalatak siya. He rested his chin on the tip of his
phone. "What about we play a game?"

Tumango-tango ako. I'm bored, anyway. "What game?"

"Paramihan ng mahahalikan sa labi. Opposite sex only."

Halos maibuga ko iyong iniinom ko sa kaniyang sinabi. Hinagod niya ang aking likod.
I wiped the liquor trailing on my chin. Malakas kong hinampas ang kaniyang braso na
nagpabitiw sa kaniya.

"Ano naman 'yan?!" tanong ko. Van just shrugged.

"Kapag nanalo ka, I'll give you what you want. Kapag ako ang nanalo, then you'll
give me what I want. Promise, nothing illegal," aniya at ngumisi.

I slumped back at the couch. "Unfair. Pa'no kung mas maraming babae talaga dito?
Edi talo ko kahit isa-isahin ko pa kayo?"

"You think I can kiss everyone? Seriously?" takang tanong niya. Inipon niya ang mga
boteng wala nang laman at inilagay sa gilid ng mesa.

"Ganito na lang...may isang tao na lang na kapag nahalikan mo, automatic, panalo ka
na kahit mas maraming nahalikan 'yong isa," suhestiyon niya.

I just shrugged. Drunk Van has wild thoughts. Dinamay niya pa talaga ako.

"Well, syempre, si Maxim ang ibibigay ko sa'yo,"aniya at humagalpak ng tawa,

mistulang siguradong-sigurado na 'di ko kayang galawin iyong tropa niya. Well, he's
right. Sinimangutan ko lang siya para iparamdam sa kaniyang 'di ako natutuwa.

Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. Akala niya ata ay malulusutan niya ako dahil lang si
Maxim iyong sure win choice ko. This guy underestimated my wits.
"Addie. Adira Nikoline Yllana," saad ko. His face turned sour. Laglag-panga siyang
tumingin sa 'kin.

"That friend of yours in the band, right? Oh God, no way...." Mabilis siyang
umiling at pumikit dahil siguro sa hilo.

"Patas lang tayo," saad ko. He pulled me up to stand. Binuksan niya ang glass door
at pinauna akong lumabas.

"Lagi namang may nakaaligid do'n. That guy friend of yours is always around her
like he's Adira's bodyguard or something...baka upakan ako. I don't want my
precious face to be ruined."

He's talking about Diesel. Kaya ko nga pinili si Addie ay dahil alam kong
imposibleng manakawan niya ng halik 'yon. Baka nga kahit hawak, hindi niya magawa!
Bukod sa parang leon si Diesel na nakaabang sa gilid-gilid, Addie herself will
break his neck if he tries to do something with her.

Kalalabas pa lang namin ay nabigla ako nang hilahin niya ang isang babae at isandal
sa isang pader. My face contorted in disgust as he kissed the girl. Wow lang. Bilis
ah.

"One down," aniya pagkatapos bitiwan 'yung babae.

Syempre, papatalo ba naman ako?

Bago iyon ay kumuha muna ako ng maiinom. Kailangan ko ng kapal ng mukha at lakas ng
loob. Mukhang seryoso kasi si Van sa larong gusto niya. Malay ko ba kung ano'ng
hingiin non sa 'kin.

"Kuya, kuya..." tawag ko sa isang lalaking 'di ko maaninag ang mukha. Hinarap niya
ako, maging ang tropa niyang kasa-kasama niya. I scrunched my nose. They looked
like minors.

"P-po?" tanong nitong naka-denim jacket. Huh. Minors nga. 'Po'? Who uses that in
this place? Mga baguhan.

I pulled him in for a kiss. Naramdaman ko ang pagkabigla niya dahil hindi siya
nakatugon. Pagkatapos ay lumipat ako sa kaniyang katabi, tapos sa katabi.... I
think there's five of them. I'm not sure. I just waved after giving them smacks and
leaving them in awe and shock.

"Wow," saad ni Van na nanonood pala. Inirapan ko lamang siya at itinulak para
umalis sa dinadaanan ko. Bakit ba siya nakaharang? 'Pag dadaan ako, ayoko ng
hinaharangan ako!

My mind was starting to go blank. Ni hindi ko na nga sigurado kung babae o lalaki
ba ang sinasayawan ko at ninanakawan ng halik. I don't care. Bahala si Van.
Dadayain ko na lang siya.

"Woah, woah, woah, no!" sigaw ng lalaking kinakapitan ako sa balikat para ilayo sa
kaniya. Naningkit ang aking mata sa pagsuri sa kaniyang mukha. His voice sounded
familiar. Napasimangot ako. Parang halik lang! Ang damot! At bakit niya ako
tinatanggihan na parang nandidiri siya? Maswerte nga siya sa 'kin!

"Isa lang!" pagmamaktol ko. Narinig ko ang pagmumura niya habang hinahawakan ako sa
bewang para lang hindi maidikit ang mukha ko sa kaniya. Hinampas-hampas ko ang
kaniyang braso upang bitiwan ako ngunit ako lang ang nasaktan! Ang kapal ng balat
ata nito! Ano siya, crocodile?
"'Wag ako, please. Mahal ko pa ang buhay ko," halos pasigaw niya nang sabi dahil sa
lakas ng musika. Fine! Madali akong kausap!

Pinakawalan niya nga ako ngunit halos matumba naman ako dahil biglaan iyon!
Tanginang 'to! Pwede namang dahan-dahan! Mabuti na lang at hindi kataasan ang wedge
boots ko, kung hindi, baka nahubad ko na at naisampal sa pagmumukha niya.

"Thanks, Rosseau," anang isang tinig sa likuran ko na hawak ako sa bewang upang
sagipin sa muntikang paghalik sa sahig. Mabilis na nawala sa paningin ko iyong
lalaki kanina. Virgin siguro 'yon. Akala mo naman ay may mawawala sa kaniya sa
halik. Kainis.

"Bitiw nga!" reklamo ko sa nakakapit sa 'kin. Nilingon ko siya at lalo lamang

kumulo ang dugo ko nang makita si Adonis. Ano ba?! Bakit ba nandito 'to? Bakit 'di
pa siya umuwi tutal hindi ko naman siya kailangan?!

I marched away from him, ngunit kada makalalayo ako ay mararamdaman ko ang dibdib
niya likuran ko dahil mabilis siyang nakahahabol.

"Emmanuelle, tama n—"

"'Wag mo 'kong kausapin!" singhal ko sa kaniya. Nakagat niya ang pang-ibabang labi
at nasabunutan ang sarili. God! I shouldn't be praising him right now but he looks
hotter when frustrated! Or maybe I'm just damn wasted. Ewan.

"At bakit naman ayaw mong magpakausap, hmm?"

Halos matumba ako sa hilo na hinaluan ng panlalambot ng tuhod sa malambing niyang

tono. He gripped on my elbow and pulled me closer to him. Dudulas ata ang bote ng
gin na hawak ko dahil sa panghihina! His hot breath fanned my ear.

"Kasi 'di tayo bati," mahina kong sabi. He pulled me closer. I put my arms in
between us, my palms on his hard chest to prevent him from pulling me closer.

"What? Can't hear you," bulong niya. I shuddered when his lips brushed my earlobe.
I felt like I was gradually turning to jelly or a candle on the verge of melting.
Humigpit ang kapit niya sa aking bewang na tila naramdamang kinailangan ko ng
kaniyang suporta dahil sa panghihina.

"Hindi nga tayo bati!" mas malakas kong sabi. I tried to push him away but to no
avail. Hindi man lang natinag si gago! Akala niya ba ay nakalilimutan ko 'yung
kasalanan niya? Pwes, hindi! Kaya 'wag siyang lalambing-lambing na akala niya
nama'y madadala niya ako sa pagan'yan-gan'yan niya!

"My sweetheart's mad at me again, huh?" he taunted. Malakas kong sinuntok ang
kaniyang dibdib, but he didn't even move an inch! Magsama sila nung tropa niyang
balat-buwaya!

"Oo! Gago ka kasi!" I shouted. Namamaos na ako kasisigaw ngunit wala naman akong
choice. Masasapawan at masasapawan ng tunog sa bar ang boses ko kung hindi ako
sisigaw.

"I know, I know.... I'm sorry I acted like a complete douche earlier."

I hate myself for turning soft in just a snap. Parang tinibag niya ang pader ng
sama ng loob ko nang walang kahirap-hirap. Nanghina ang aking mga braso at dahan-
dahang binaba iyon. He closed the space in between us and hugged me tighter.
No, no, no! Matatanggap ba 'yan ng pride mo, Emmanuelle? Isang sorry lang tapos
okay na? Syempre, hindi!

I forced myself out of his tight hug. Padabog akong naglalakad ngunit wala namang
patutunguhan. I didn't mind the curses from the other people because of me
accidentally bumping them. Aarte ng mga 'to! Nabangga lang 'kala mo naman e
niyapakan ang pagkatao kung magalit!

Nang marinig kong may kumakanta ng Happy Birthday ay doon ako nagtungo. Right.
Maxim's birthday. Van's game. Tama. That's where I should go. No way in hell I'm
gonna lose against Van.

"Emma!" malakas na tawag ni Adonis na hindi ko pinansin. Tangina siya. Matapos

niyang sabihin na friend lang ako, gaganiyan siya na akala mo'y walang nangyari?

Hindi ako marupok. Hindi ako marupok! Tama, Emma. Don't let him get away with what
he did that easily. Fling ka lang niya, but make sure you're the most memorable
fling he'll have. Pahihirapan ko na siya tutal ginusto niya rin naman 'to.

Nakipagsiksikan ako sa bilog ng mga tao. I saw Maxim sitting on one of the wooden
chairs while Finnigan's holding a birthday cake. Van was filming the whole thing
with his phone. Nagtagpo ang mga mata namin. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. I saw how
his lips parted when I marched towards Maxim.

Napatingin si Finn sa biglaan kong pagsingit. Hinigit siya agad ni Van bago pa man
makapagtanong. I looked at Maxim. Hindi ko alam kung anong reaks'yon ang meron
siya, kung nabibigla, natatakot at natutuwa.

Without thinking twice, I sat astride him that made him stiffen beneath me. Narinig
ko ang malakas na hiyawan ng mga tao sa paligid kasabay ng paglapat ng labi ko sa
hindi makagalaw na si Maxim. He was stiff as a statue. I saw him lift his hand to
hold me, but he was hesitating. I felt someone tugging me to get off Maxim.

"Emma, okay na! Fine! You won! God, please don't let Maxim get into a fight
tonight. Birthday na birthday noong tao." I think that was Van. Hindi ko malaman
kung sino ang nakapag-alis sa 'kin sa kandungan ni Maxim. Everything turned hazy
after that kiss. Kahit na madilim ay aninag ko ang pamumula ni Maxim. I giggled.
First kiss? Really? Me?

"What the fuck, Emmanuelle Vesper?!" malakas na sabi ni Adonis at hinatak ako
paalis doon. Nagpatuloy naman ang mga tao sa kasiyahan nila. Halos magkandarapa na
ako sa bilis ng lakad ni Adonis na patuloy akong kinakaladkad palabas.

"That...that...was the last...fucking...straw!" galit niyang sabi nang makarating

kami sa tapat ng kaniyang sasakyan. His chest was rising violently with every
intake of fresh air. Napapitlag ako nang suntukin niya ang hood ng kaniyang
sasakyan. He let his knuckle rest there. Nakatungo lamang siya na mukhang
nagpipigil ng kung ano. I saw how the veins on his arms protruded every time he'd
clench his fist harder.

Shall I explain? "Adon—"

"Sakay. Uuwi na tayo," malamig niyang sabi bago buksan ang shotgun seat at pumihit
papunta sa kaniyang pwesto. Napasimangot ako ngunit sumunod na lamang.

Matapos niya akong tawaging friend, magagalit siya 'pag may hinalikan akong iba? E
pwede naman 'yon dahil friends nga lang kami. Kung may problema siya, edi sana
gumaya siya! Hindi ko naman siya pipigilan. 'Wag lang siyang magpapakita kay Diesel
dahil baka tuluyan na siya ng isang 'yon.
"Ano bang ikinagagalit mo e magkaibigan lang naman tayo?" I spat. Humigpit ang
kapit niya sa manibela.

"You said it yourself! That was the go signal for me to let myself explore other
boys!"

Halos masubsob ako sa dashboard sa biglaan niyang pagpreno. Iginilid niya ang
sasakyan. Nakailang mura ata ako. Akala ko, mababangga na kami o ano!

He shifted on his seat. His hand tilted my chin. His thumb roughly pressed against
my lower lip. Galit na galit ang kaniyang mga matang nakatingin doon.

"How many boys did you kiss tonight?" he asked. Nagkibit-balikat lamang ako. I lost
count.

"Ilan, Emma?" mas mariin niyang tanong. Tinatabig ko ang kaniyang kamay na
nakahawak sa 'kin ngunit hindi man lang iyon gumagalaw.

"I don't know.... Ten? Twenty? No." Pumikit ako, iniisip kung ilan. "Twenty-eight?
Twenty-nine if it includes Maxim...."

Malakas ang kaniyang pagmumura. His thumb kept on grazing my lower lip as if he's
trying to erase something. I yelped when he harshly pulled my arm and parted my
legs to sit astride him.

He harshly bit my lower lip without warning which made me whimper. Adonis turned
into a wild beast as his lips fondled with mine. Halos 'di na ako makahinga ngunit
wala siyang pakialam! He was in charge and he did not let me respond event the
tiniest bit!

My vanilla perfume and his strong manly scent mixed with the faint remnants alcohol
attacked my nostrils. Like an expert, he overpowered my senses with his rough
movements. My heartbeat went erratic when his hand left my waist and reached a
little bit higher; his fingers touched the frame of my brassiere. His warmth was
far from being gentle; I felt like burning with his touch and every flicker of his
tongue. He was insistent on never letting go of my lips, mine gradually turning
numb. The pain from his sensual bites did not make me want to get away from his
fire, sending my system in wild tremor.

"There..." he said as he finally let me breathe. "Your lips are swollen and redder
than ever, all because of me.... No traces of other boys," mariin niyang sabi.

"We'll talk more about this later," bulong niya at marahan akong binuhat paalis sa
kaniyang kandungan. Inalis ko na ang kaniyang kapit sa akin at ako na mismo ang
nag-ayos sa aking sarili.

I reminded myself of his mistake to recover my state. I let my pride rush over me.
No. Hindi pwede. Ugh. Kailan pa ako naging marupok? No. Not ever.

Napairap ako. Pwede namang ngayon na kami mag-usap! Saka, ayaw ko na siyang kausap
mamaya. Wala na ulit ako sa mood na magsalita mamaya.

Nang makarating sa apartment ay siya na ang nagbukas ng mga kandado. Dumiretso ako
sa kwarto at nahiga sa kama. Bahala siya kung ano'ng gusto niyang gawin sa buhay
niya.

Napapikit ako nang buksan niya ang ilaw. Talaga naman ang lalaking 'to! Isang
malaking buwisit talaga.
Hindi ako kumilos. Nanatili akong nakadapa sa kama. Mayamaya lamang ay naramdaman
ko na ang pagtatanggal niya sa aking sapatos.

"Now, we'll talk...." mahina niyang sabi. Umirap lamang ako at nag-iba ng posisyon.
He carefully tugged my shoulders. Hinampas ko lamang ang kaniyang kamay.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, I swear...." he trailed. Napairap ako. I bit my lip
hard as I felt something inside me warmed with his words. Tangina. Ang hina-hina ko
pagdating sa kaniya.

Tumayo na ako dahil pakiramdam ko'y mas mabilis na babagsak ang luha ko kapag
nakahiga. He sighed. Nagtatanggal ako ng hikaw habang siya'y nakaupo lang sa kama.

"Sorry na nga," mahina niyang sabi at hinagip ang aking pulsuhan. I stood in front
of him. Inipit niya ang aking mga tuhod sa pagitan ng kaniyang hita, kinukulong ako
sa kaniya, sinisigurong walang takas.

"Sabi mo, kaibigan mo lang ako.... Kung landian lang naman pala gusto mo, sana
sinabi mo agad," mahina kong sabi. I inhaled sharply. My chest began to tighten
with pain I refuse to recognize.

"No...I told you, already. I'm all in this, Emmanuelle, and I'm sorry. Forgive me?"
aniya at pinulupot ang braso sa aking bewang. He rested his head on my abdomen.

I suddenly started to cry for an unknown reason. Napabitiw siya sa paghikbi ko.
Mabilis niya akong inupo sa kaniyang hita at kinwadro ang aking pinsgi. I'm wailing
like a baby and I can't stop!

"'Wag kang umiyak. 'Di ko ata mapapatawad ang sarili ko na pinaiyak kita."

Malamig na ang pakiramdam ng bawat paghugot ko ng hininga. Panic crossed his eyes
as he tried to get rid of my tears with his thumb. Maybe it was because of the fear
of being left behind again—iyong biglaan at walang pasabi. It's scary that the
person you treasure the most can leave you without warning. And to be left
again...I don't know anymore. Sirang-sira na ako. Durog na durog na. Hindi pa ako
maayos. If Adonis suddenly leaves, I'm not sure on what will happen to me anymore.
Wala nang natitira sa sarili ko. Wala nang natitira para sirain pa.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he whispered as he kissed my tears away, "I'm sorry,
Emmanuelle."

That moment, little did I know that he was sorry for something else. I should have
known.

☽☾

Chapter 22

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti20
chapter twenty

ONE WEEK AFTER the incident, Adonis still wouldn't leave my side. Halos sa
apartment ko na siya tumira. He even has his own space in my closet already. Minsan
iniisip ko kung hindi ba nagtataka ang parents niya na halos hindi na siya umuuwi.
Kapag naman pinipilit ko siyang umuwi ay mag-aaway lang kami.
Truth be told, I am still aware of everything. Nagtatanong pa rin ako sa sarili ko
kung ano nga ba talaga kami. The anxiety of him leaving me didn't leave even after
the numerous assurances he gave after that incident. Hindi naman kasi napipigil
iyon nang basta-basta lamang. Emotions aren't something you can just stop feeling.
If I could tell my demons to fuck off and they'd obey, I wouldn't be living with a
sick mind today.

Emmarie and I are still in contact. November is fast approaching, which means that
December is also just around the corner. Malapit na sila umuwi. I am both excited
and scared. Lalo na kay Dad; hindi ko pa siya nakakausap. Emmarie told me he's
sealing a deal with foreign investors. That will take around a month of work to
make it seamless. Ayos lang naman sa 'kin. I can wait. Dad has always been obsessed
with his job. Hindi ko siya masisisi. That job of his is the reason why we're
living like this—why we're privileged like this.

"Sa'n punta?" Adonis mumbled. Nakahiga pa rin siya sa kama at kagigising lang. I
didn't want to wake him up because I witnessed how dead tired he was last night.

Inayos ko ang pagkakatirintas ng aking buhok. With of his eyes still closed, his
brows shot up as he eyed me from head to toe. Umupo ako sa kama at agad niyang
hinapit ang aking bewang.

"Bangon na," utos ko. He nodded like a kid before sitting down. Mistulang wala
akong kabigat-bigat na inangat niya at nilagay sa kaniyang kandungan.

"Saan ka pupunta? Hindi mo 'ko ginising..." nagtatampo niyang sabi. Pinatakan niya
ng halik ang aking balikat. He always does that.

"I have to meet a high school friend," pagsisinungaling ko. Nilingon niya ako,
kunot-noo.

"Hatid na kita?"

Namamaos pa ang kaniyang boses dahil sa kagigising lamang. Umiling ako. Kung alam
niya lang...

"Okay.... I'll just lock the doors when I leave?" tanong niya. I nodded. Mukhang
gusto niya talagang sumama ngunit alam niya rin na kapag wala talaga akong plano na
isama siya, wala talaga. He doesn't push further.

"Saan ka ba?" tanong niya muli. Umiling ako at natawa. Ang kulit! Hindi ko naman
pwedeng sabihin sa kaniya dahil baka mabulilyaso ang plano ko.

"Just a café," sagot ko. He pouted. Hinigpitan niya ang yakap sa 'kin.

"Maaga ka bang matatapos? I wanna take you out on a date," marahan niyang sabi,
bawat salita ay humahaplos sa aking kaluluwa.

"I don't think so," dismayado kong sabi. Lalo lamang lumalim ang kaniyang
pagsimangot. Alam ko ring marami pa siyang kailangang tapusin na schoolworks. It's
scary that he puts me above everything else; I don't think that's healthy.

Everything that's too much is unhealthy. I don't want to be the cause of Adonis'
ruination, especially when it comes to his academic performance. He had a life
before me—before us. I don't want to drag his life down because of this...little
thing we have.

There's still something bitter in my mouth whenever I remember what he said before.
That we're just friends. Kahit anong pilit kong limutin iyon ay 'di ko magawa.
Mistulang inukit na iyon sa aking isip at kahit ano'ng gawin ni Adonis ay 'di na
'yon mawawala. It left an unwanted scar that can't be healed anymore. The best
choice is to just cover it and pretend that it's not there.

"Tsk. Babawi ako," bulong niya.

In-adjust ko ang pagkaka-upo sa kaniyang kandungan. Kinulong ko ang kaniyang panga

sa aking palad at hinagilap ang kaniyang tingin.

"It's okay. It's your studies over me, okay?"

Umiling siya. "I didn't get to spend time with you last week because I was drowning
in hand-outs. Hindi ako papayag na hindi bumawi," mariin niyang sabi. Pinisil ko
ang kaniyang ilong sa panggigigil.

"Okay, then. Tapusin mo lahat ng gagawin mo ngayon, then, we'll go out tomorrow,
okay?" pag-aaya ko. He nodded. Binaon niya ang kaniyang ulo sa aking balikat.

Sinipat ko ang orasan. I still have 30 minutes left. Magco-commute ako kaya
paniguradong medyo late na ako nito. I hope he doesn't whine that I'm late.

Natigilan ako sa naramdaman. "Is that...your morning wood?" natatawa kong sabi.
Napaayos tuloy ako ng upo. Adonis groaned and slightly bit my shoulders.

"You and your mouth...quit testing my limits," marahas niyang saad bago ako alisin
sa kaniyang kandungan. He covered his lower body with the crumpled white sheets.
Kunot ang kaniyang noo at mukhang naiinis ang hitsurang nakatingin sa 'kin, tila
nagsusuplado kahit na pulang-pula naman ang mukha niya sa pagkahiya.

I reached for my Kanken and stood up. Mabilis na nagbago ang kaniyang ekspresyon.
His soft eyes watched my every movement.

"Go take a cold shower," bulong ko sa kaniya at natawa. I kissed him on the cheeks
before leaving my room. Narinig ko ang kaniyang frustrated na pagtawag sa aking
pangalan bago ko isara ang pinto.

Hindi ko nakalilimutan ang usapan namin ni Van. Technically, I won. Akala raw niya
ay 'di ko seseryosohin iyong laro kaya siya nagyaya ngunit umalma ako. I went
through all those tapos 'di siya tutupad? Mabuti naman at madali siyang kumbinsihin
kaya naman wala siyang choice kung hindisundin ang anomang sasabihin ko ngayon.

We agreed to meet somewhere near the uni. Aniya ay may band practice sila ngayon
ngunit hapon pa naman at libre siya sa umaga. Ngayon ko lang napag-isip-isip kung
ano ang hihilingin ko sa kaniya. It's gonna cost him a lot of money, ngunit barya
lang naman sa kaniya 'to. Tumigil ang sinasakyan ko sa tapat ng café sa uni.

The door chimed when I entered. The sweet scent of caramel attacked my nostrils the
moment I was inside. Tumaas ang kilay ni Van na nakaupo sa brown na couch sa gilid;
a large-sized milk tea was placed on his table already. Unti-unti akong nilingon ng
lalaking nasa tapat.

I clicked my tongue the moment I saw Maxim and his honeyed eyes. Mabilis siyang
umiwas ng tingin. I gave Van a look. Nginisian lamang ako nito na mukhang plano
niya talagang pahirapan ang buhay ko dahil sinama niya pa si Maxim. Akala ko e
kaming dalawa lang!

Maxim's already one awkward boy. Hindi makatutulong kung ganoon din ako. He can
play the shy part and I'll be the chill one. That's how it should be.
Syempre, kay Van ako tumabi. Maxim was looking at him sternly, as if trying to talk
through telepathy. Humalakhak lang naman si Van. Van and Diesel will make an evil
duo. God, I can't imagine how demonic their stunts will be. Kawawa ang pagti-trip-
an nila kapag nagsama sila.

Nakahalumbaba lamang si Maxim at nakababa ang tingin sa mesa. I nudged Van. Hindi
ako makaimik dahil nasa harap ko si Maxim ngayon. I stole the boy's first kiss!
Tapos iniwan ko lang siya bigla!

"What?" bulong ni Van. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. Sinenyas ko si Maxim na mukhang

hindi kumportable. Inirapan lamang ako ni Van. He stood up and tapped Maxim's
shoulder.

"Chill out, dude. Emma doesn't bite...or does she?" pang-iinis nito. He had the
guts to snicker and wink at me before going to the counter, leaving Maxim and I
with a much more awkward tension.

Tumikhim ako. Saglit na tumigil ang mga daliri niyang gumuguhit ng kung ano-ano sa
kahoy na lamesa. Dahan-dahan niya akong inangat ng kaniyang tingin.

"Uh...Sorry. Lasing ako no'n. Was it...your first?" putol-putol kong sabi. Mabagal
siyang kumurap. He bit his lip and looked away before nodding.

Good job, Emmanuelle! You ruined his first! Napakamot na lamang ako sa aking kilay.
"Just forget about it. Kunwari na lang, hindi nangyari, so that next time, your
first will be memorable—"

"What are you talking about?"

Nabigla ako sa biglaan niyang pagsingit. His full silk brows are almost meeting.
His lips twitched. He let out a sigh.

"Ayaw kong kalimutan 'yon. You're my first, Emmanuelle...and I have no complaints,"

aniya, diretso ang tingin sa 'kin kahit na bahagyang namumula ang pisngi.

I swallowed hard. What? Really? Is that what he really want? Ano bang ginawa ko sa
lalaking 'to? Why is he...so smitten about me?

Mabuti na lamang at dumating na ang demonyong si Van. Inilapag niya sa lamesa ang
dalawang large-sized milk tea. Hindi ko maalis ang tingin kay Maxim. His lips were
pursed in a tight line. Ang kaniyang maamong singkiting mata ay bahagyang
nanlilisik. He just grabbed the milk tea from Van's hand and stood up.

"Una na ako sa studio," halos pabulong niyang sabi. Tamad niyang isinukbit ang
backpack sa balikat at dire-diretsong umalis. Nagkatinginan kami saglit ni Van
habang parehas naming pinanood na tumawid si Maxim papunta sa uni.

"Ano'ng ginawa mo?" nang-aakusang tanong ni Van. I just shrugged. Itinusok ko na

ang straw sa milk tea at uminom. Wintermelon. Buti naman. I'd aim for Van's throat
if he ordered something like Jasmine.

"Galit 'yon," kumento niya na lalong nagpa-guilty sa akin. Doon siya sa inupuan ni
Maxim umupo. Tinatanaw niya pa rin ang labas.

"Wala akong ginawa do'n."

Nilingon niya akong muli. "Ulol. May ginawa ka, e. Ano'ng sinabi mo do'n?" tanong
niya na mukhang siguradong-siguradong ako ang rason sa pagmamaktol ng kaibigan
niya.

"Wala nga," depensa ko kahit na panay ang bagabag sa 'kin ng mismong pag-iisip.
Maxim's mad? For what? For me telling him to forget about that kiss?

I am actually doing him a favour. Iyong mga tipo niya 'yong pakiramdam ko'y
pinahahalagahan ang mga ganoong bagay: the firsts, the beginnings, and new
chapters. It was just mean of me to steal that from him.

"Matagal ko nang kilala 'yong lalaking 'yon. Hindi 'yon magagalit nang walang
dahilan, and he rarely gets mad. Ano bang sinabi mo noong umalis ako?" pangungulit
niya. Umiling lamang ako. No way in hell I'm gonna tell him. Amin na lamang ni
Maxim 'yon.

"Pwede bang iyong ipinunta ko na lang dito ang pag-usapan natin?" pag-iiba ko ng
usapan. Mukhang hindi pa rin matahimik ang kalooban niya sa kung ano ba ang
kinainis ni Maxim kaya naman inunahan ko na siya.

"I want you to organize a party..." panimula ko. Sumimangot lamang siya na mukhang
ayaw talaga niyang bitiwan iyong topic kay Maxim. He just shrugged and nodded,
urging me to continue.

"Easy. Where? Para kanino?" taanong niya.

I shifted on my seat. Adonis' birthday is on the second week of November, and I

can't just discreetly work on a party for him dahil lagi kaming magkasama.
Imposibleng hindi niya iyon mapansin. Diesel's not helping me with this, neither.
Hanggang ngayon ay may inis pa rin siya kay Adonis. Iyon nga lang ay hindi ko
masyadong nakikita ang lalaking 'yon nitong mga nakaraang araw.

"Adonis.I'll send you the address of our house."

Plano ko ay sa bahay namin gawin iyong party, with just his friends, the varsity
team, some of my colleagues and probably his cousins. I asked Selene on how Adonis
celebrates his birthday. Ang sagot nya sa 'kin ay kadalasang family dinner lang at
walang kung ano pang ibang ganap. I want to make his first birthday with me in his
life memorable, so I'm stepping my game up a little bit.

Kumunot ang noo ni Van. "Adonis...the guy who looked like he wanted to murder
Maxim," he mumbled. Tumaas ang kilay niya. "Bakit hindi na lang sa Spades? Or
Crossroads if you want a pool party," suhestiyon niya.

Umiling ako. I want it in my house. I have other plans he does not need to know.

"No. Sa bahay namin ko gusto. I already contacted our maids there. We have our own
pool. Ayokong sa ibang lugar."

Pinaningkitan niya ako ng mata. "Fine. Kailan ba? Sinong papupuntahin?" pagsuko
niya.

"People from Engineering, the varsity team, his cousins...invite your friends if
you want, too," saad ko. He snickered.

"You sure he's gonna like that? Wala sa hitsura niya ang mahilig sa ganoong bagay."

Oh, he's gonna love it, alright.

I raised a brow at him. "Bakit? Si Maxim ba? Ganoon din naman, 'di ba?" I snapped
back.
Napailing na lang si Van sa aking pagsusuplada. "Fine. Gaya-gaya ka ng idea. When's
the exact date?"

"November 10."

"Exactly two weeks away," aniya sa sarili. He nodded. "'Yon lang ba? What's your
gift for him, anyway?" usisa niya.

I gave him an annoyed smirk. Dinampot ko na ang milk tea na libre niya. "None of
your business," sagot ko at dire-diretsong naglakad paalis.

No one else has to know. It's only between me and Adonis. Everything and everyone
else are just mere decorations. The world could end and I'd give zero fucks as long
as we're okay.

KINABUKASAN NGA AY sinundo ako ni Adonis sa apartment. Tinotoo niya nga 'yong
sinabi niyang babawi siya. Sa totoo lang ay wala naman akong pakialam kung hindi
kami umalis. We can stay inside my apartment and just cuddle under thick sheets and
I will not complain. It doesn't really matter where we go, basta siya ang kasama ko
ay ayos na.

What can I say? I'm that type of low maintenance girlfriend...I guess.

He was just watching me as I was finishing my wing. Nang matapos ako ay hinarap ko
siya.

"Sit," utos ko. Kumunot ang noo niya ngunit sumunod din naman. He sat on the edge
of my bed. Kinulong niya agad ang aking bewang sa kaniyang mga kamay.

"What are you doing?" tanong niya. Natunugan ko ang kaba sa kaniyang tono ngunit
hindi naman siya nagrereklamo. May kaba niyang tinitingnan iyong eyeliner na hawak
ko.

"Pikit," utos ko na sinunod niya ulit. He heaved a deep sigh. Napatawa naman ako sa
kaniyang reaksyon. I started to draw a neat catwing on his left eyelid. Nanginginig
ang kaniyang mga daliri sa aking bewang.

Dahil sanay na ako sa ginagawa ay mabilis ko lamang napantay at natapos iyon. I

giggled on his face when he opened his eyes. He clicked his tongue and closed his
eyes shut but didn't utter a single complaint. Hinagip ko ang salamin na nakapatong
sa drawer at ibinigay sa kaniya. Laglag-panga siyang nakatingin sa sariling
repleksyon.

"Ito lang ba ang ilalagay mo sa mukha ko? Are you satisfied enough?" mariin niyang
tanong, nag-gagalit-galitan. Umiling ako na siyang kinalumo niya.

"Okay, sweetheart. Ano pa? Just as long as you don't pluck my eyebrows again,"
aniya. Napahalakhak ako sa kaniyang sinabi. Halos umiyak ata siya noong ayusan ko
siya ng kilay.

Nagtungo ako sa aking tokador. I shuffled through my palettes 'til I found what I
needed: ABH's Subculture. I sat on his lap while thinking on what colour to put on
his lids. I should have put on the shadows before the wing pero pwede na rin 'to.
Naririnig ko na ang kaniyang mabibigat na paghinga na parang natatakot sa kung
ano'ng gagawin ko sa kaniya.

"Pikit ulit," utos ko. He obliged immediately. I applied a thin layer of salmon
colour on his lid, just a little more peachy than his skintone. Pagkatapos ay
nilagyan kong dark brown sa babang parte. He opened his eyes with a frown on his
face.

"You done, sweetheart?" tila hirap na hirap niyang sabi. Umiling ako. He groaned
but nodded. Inabot ko ang aking lipgloss. This one's my favourite because it's
flavoured and it leaves a nice sheen.

Ramdam ko ang talim ng kaniyang titig sa 'kin habang nilalagay ko iyon sa sarili
kong labi. Binigla ko siya sa biglaan kong paglapat ng aking labi sa kaniya. I felt
the tip of his tongue travelling my lower lip. Kada lalayo ako nang bahagya ay
pilit niyang hahabulin ang aking labi.

"We should go," he said, almost breathless. I stood up to get my necklace. He

sighed and stood up to help me in putting it on. Nagtagal ang kaniyang tingin doon.

"You really like necklaces?" tanong niya. I nodded. I have a fascination with
jewelry. Namana ko siguro kay Mom.

"You're not going to remove your eye make-up?" tanong ko. Umiling lamang siya.
Umangat ang gilid ng aking labi sa kaniyang winged eyeliner.

"You worked hard on perfecting it, bakit ko buburahin agad?" tanong niya. He
fondled with his key fob. Napangiti ako sa kaniyang sinabi. It's not the first time
I applied make-up on him, pero ito ang unang beses na lalabas kami nang naka-make-
up siya. At talagang winged eyeliner pa pero hindi siya nahihiya!

Damn, isn't he the best?

Sa garden café kami pumunta. I wanted to laugh when the girl at the counter was
looking at him with such confused expression. Adonis' hand was on my waist while
talking to the cashier. The cashier was giving him a weird look, tapos ay ako. It
seems like she's figuring out what Adonis' true sexuality is.

What's wrong with boys putting on make-up and painting their nails? It's their
body; they can do what they want. No one ever said that make-up is only exclusive
for girls. No one said that painting the nails is only a lady's thing. There are
just too many norms that needs to be eradicated in this society.

The ambience was calm and there
smell like herbs and rawness of
from the rose family surrounded
on top of wooden tables. Vinyls
malaking teddy bear na naka-upo
customer para magpa-picture.
were real plants all over the place, which made it
the earth. Adonis surely knows what I want. Flowers
the entirety of the venue. Succulents were placed
and old music posters occupied the walls. May
sa gitna ng cafe na pinalilibutan ng mga batang

"Ano'ng plano mo sa birthday mo?" inosente kong tanong. Ibinaba niya ang kinakaing
burger.

"Unfortunately, I have some schoolworks to finish by that day, and some deadlines
to beat...but we'll have family dinner by around 8 p.m., you wanna come?" he
carefully asked. Dahan-dahan akong umiling. He nodded.

"It's okay; I understand. I'll wait 'til you're ready," mababa niyang sabi.
Pinagsiklop niya ang aming kamay.

"Punta ka sa apartment after?" pag-aya ko. Please say yes, or else my plan will
crumble.

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango. "Of course," sagot niya.

Hindi ko pinahalata na sobra ang tuwa ko sa kaniyang sagot. Now, my plan is fool-
proof. I discreetly texted Van to give him the go signal to start on contacting his
connections so that they can proceed to planning as early as now.

Dahil nalalapit na ang birthday ni Adonis ay nalalapit na rin ang exams kaya naman
nakatulong 'yon para sa sikreto kong pagpaplano sa birthday ni Adonis. I know Van's
a man of his words, pero gusto ko rin namang maging hands-on dahil birthday pa rin
naman ni Adonis iyon.

I invited my friends to come over and they agreed to do so. Si Diesel na lamang
iyong 'di ko pa nasasabihan dahil natatakot ako sa reaksyon niya. I think no one
has told him, yet. Pero sigurado naman akong alam na niya, or at least he has an
idea. Iyon pa. Napakalakas ng radar non.

Still, Diesel's a friend and I'd love him to be there. Pagkatapos ng klase ko ay
dumiretso ako sa Archi para kausapin siya at personal na imbitahin. Ilang metro na
lamang ang layo ko ay nakikita ko na siya sa entrada ng kanilang building na tila
may hinihintay. He was looking directly at me as if he knew that I was coming to
see him.

"'Sup?" simple niyang bati, ngunit walang humour sa kaniyang mukha. I tried to
smile at him, ngunit wala man lang iyong epekto sa kaniya. Seryoso lamang ang
kaniyang mga titig habang nakapamulsa.

"Doon tayo sa likod," aniya at naglakad patungo sa likuran ng building, doon sa

maraming halaman at kadalasa'y walang tao. Naupo siya sa may flowerbed at mukhang
hinihintay ang sasabihin ko.

"Adonis' birthday is on Saturday," panimula ko.

Pumalatak lamang siya. "I know." Tiningala niya ako. He doesn't look mad nor
disappointed. Blangko lamang ang kaniyang mukha na mas nagpahirap sa 'kin na
basahin ang tumatakbo sa kaniyang isip.

"And you're throwing him a party at your castle-like mansion," he trailed. His left
brow arched upward. "Tama ba ako?"

I bit my lower lip and looked down at my boots. I tapped my shoes against the grass
while thinking of a response. Iniisip ko tuloy kung dapat ba'y sinabi ko na sa
kaniya agad kaysa sa nauna niya pang malaman sa ibang tao.

"Oo," sagot ko. I clicked my tongue. "Punta ka?"

He scoffed. Ngayon ay gumuhit na ang inis sa kaniyang mukha. He gritted his teeth
and looked away. He let out a violent sigh.

"Emmanuelle, why the fuck are you so damn whipped over that guy?" iritable niyang
tanong. Tumayo na siya. Kitang-kita ko ang pagtangis ng kaniyang panga at pagkuyom
ng kaniyang kamao.

"Diesel, why are you so mad at him?" tanong ko sa malamyos na boses. He raised his
hand as if he wanted to say something, ngunit naikuyom niya lamang iyon muli.
Napapitlag ako nang biglaan niyang suntukin ang pader.

"Do you promise...to believe me once I tell you?" aniya at lumapit. Nadako ang
tingin ko sa kaniyang kamaong nagdudugo ngunit mabilis na lumipat sa kaniyang mata
nang ikulong niya ang aking pisngi sa kaniyang palad.
I nodded. Napapikit siya nang mariin na mistulang hirap na hirap makipagtalo sa
kaniyang sarili.

"Adonis..." he trailed. Sumasakit ang dibdib ko sa pag-aabang ng kadugtong.

"Adonis...has...a girlfriend," mabagal niyang sabi. Kumunot ang aking noo. I was
waiting for his punchline but it never came out of his mouth.

Pilit akong natawa. Hindi niya pinakakawalan ang aking mga mata at ang marahan
niyang pagkulong sa aking mukha.

"Of course, I know that.... That's my role in his life," saad ko. Diesel slowly
shook his head.

"It's not you; it's someone else," mariin niyang sabi. Pinipilit kong iiwas ang
aking tingin sa kaniya ngunit hindi niya iyon hinahayaan. Marahas kong tinanggal
ang kaniyang pagkakahawak sa 'kin. Napasabunot siya sa kaniyang sarili.

"Diesel...stop. Don't ruin this. I'm happy," saad ko sa nangininig na boses.

Paulit-ulit siyang umiling.

"Emmanuelle, I care for your happiness. And I'm telling you, that guy's no good for
you—"

Nanginginig ang aking palad na dumapo sa kaniyang pinsgi. Napapikit si Diesel doon.
Bahagyang namula ang kaniyang pisnging aking nasampal. Umiling lamang siya sa 'kin.

"I don't believe you," saad ko at iniwan siya roon. I immediately marched my way
towards the Engineering Building.

May kung anong kaba ang sumibol sa aking dibdib. The possibility that Diesel's
telling the truth is enough to drive my system into a havoc. It can'tbe true. He
must be lying. He must hate Adonis so much that he's doing everything to get him
away from me, and it includes lying to me like that!

I spotted Adonis walking down the stairs with Cho. Agad silang napatigil nang
makita ako. I didn't hesitate to pull Adonis for a hug even if his friend
waswatching. Narinig ko ang mahinang pagpapaalam ni Cho.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" I sensed the panic in his voice. Umiling lamang
ako at hinigpitan ang kapit sa kaniya. I felt his finger running through my hair to
calm me down.

There's no way Adonis can do that to me. We're always together! Almost everyday!
Hindi naman ako tanga para hindi mapansin kung sakali mang may iba siya! At sa
lahat ng araw na magkasama kami, sa akin lang ang atensyon niya. Heck, he almost
never holds his phone when he's with me!

HINDI KAMI NAG-IMIKAN ni Diesel kinabukasan kahit na kasama namin siya

magtanghalian. He kept on giving me his meaningful stares but I kept on dodging it.
Wala akong dapat isipin na kung ano-ano na katulad ng sinabi niya. Adonis' birthday
is tomorrow. Doon ako dapat mag-focus. I shouldn't spoil the fun and ruin the mood.

SATURDAY EVENING CAME and I felt like my heart was going to burst with too much
emotions flowing on my veins. I simply wore a shirt and some shorts dahil pool
party naman sa bahay iyong puuntahan namin. By around almost 10 p.m., narinig ko na
ang makina ng sasakyan ni Adonis sa labas. I inhaled sharply to calm myself down.
Mayamaya lamang ay nasa may pintuan na siya ng kwarto.
"Happy birthday!" bati ko at yumakap. He hugged me back tighter. Naramdaman ko ang
paghalik niya sa aking buhok.

"Thanks, sweetheart," bulong niya. Kumunot ang noo ko nang dalhin niya ako sa tapat
ng full-sized mirror sa may aparador ko. Inangat niya ang aking buhok. I almost
shivered when he kissed my nape.

My eyes widened and my heart leaped at the site of an angel-shaped velvet box.
Tumambad sa 'kin ang kulay gintong kwintas nang buksan niya iyon. He put my hair to
the side and put it on me. Napahawak ako sa pendant na tumama sa aking balat.
Nilingon ko iyon at binasa. schatzi was written in old-english font, kumikinang at
nakasisilaw ang gintong kulay.

"Pero ikaw 'yung may birthday!" saad ko at hinarap siya. He was grinning from ear-
to-ear while looking at the pendant resting near my collarbones. Hinapit niya ang
aking bewang at niyakap ako nang mahigpit. I let my arms wrap around his nape.

"You are the best gift I received this year," marahan niyang sabi. Halos maiangat
na niya ako sa sahig sa higpit ng kaniyang yakap.

"Let's go somewhere," aya ko. Humiwalay siya saglit.

"Where?" tanong niya, parehas na kilay ay nakataas. I smirked.

"You'll see, birthday boy," saad ko at hinila siya palabas. Mukhang hindi naman
siya naghinala kahit na sinabi kong sa bahay kami pupunta. I quickly sent Van a
message just to inform him. Nang tumigil ang sasakyan sa bahay ay madilim at wala
ni isang bukas na ilaw. Good job, Van.

"What are we doing here?" takang tanong niya habang higit-higit ko ang kaniyang
braso papasok. I gave him the key to the main door para siya ang magbukas. The
moment he slid the wooden doors apart, he jumped in surprise when someone popped a
party-popper.

"Happy birthday!"sigaw ng mga nasa loob. Adonis' lips parted in awe. Nilingon niya
ako na may ngiti sa labi. There was amusement in his eyes when I walked towards
him.

"Happy birthday...sweetheart." Something in his eyes flickered when I greeted him

with that endearment. I tiptoed to give him a kiss which caused the crowd to erupt
in cheers.

"Ang lalandi niyo!" rinig kong sigaw ni Van. Natatawang humiwalay si Adonis. He
kissed my cheeks hard after that.

Adonis had to entertain some of his friends from his class. Kaya naman pasimple na
akong umalis sa kaniyang kapit para bisitahin muna sina Ate Mina sa kanilang mga
kwarto sa third floor. Agad naman niya akong pinagbuksan ng pinto.

"Sorry po sa ingay...at sa kalat," saad ko na agad. Ate Mina just laughed it off.
Si Ate Krizel sa loob ay tulog na. Yohan was sleeping on his crib, too. Umuwi si
Nana at pinauwi ko muna ang ibang kasambahay.

"Ano ka ba, iyon talaga ang trabaho namin! Saka, na-miss din namin mag-linis dito.
Halos wala na kaming gawin mula noong umalis ka," maingat niyang sabi.

Pagkatapos kong dumalaw sa kanilang kwarto ay dumiretso ako sa akin. Naghilamos

muna ako para bahagyang magising. I really am doing this.
I removed all my clothes and wore my silk red robe instead. I took off my boots and
wore the shiny red stilettos. Hinayaan ko ang kwintas na regalo ni Adonis na
manatili. Sunod kong kinuha ang aking phone dahil sa pagri-ring nito.

"Where are you?"tanong ni Adonis pagkasagot na pagkasagot ko.

I bit my lower lip. Hindi ko alam ngunit abot-langit ata ang kaba ko gayong sarili
ko namang plano ito. "Room...."

He hissed. "I'm going there," aniya at pinatay ang tawag.

Just as planned.

Mayamaya lamang ay narinig ko na ang kaniyang pagkatok. Hindi ako relihiyoso pero
nakailang dasal ata ako bago pihitin ang doorknob.

Bumaba ang kaniyang tingin sa aking suot. Bago pa man siya makaimik ay siniil ko na
siya ng halik.

"Happy birthday...again," I said in between kisses. I guided him to walk towards my

bed. Napaupo siya sa kanto ng kama at ako nama'y umupo sa kaniyang kandungan. Even
the slightest contact of his thighs on my flesh is enough to make me whimper. My
heartbeat went erratic when I felt him growing beneath me.

I felt his fingers tugging the ribbon of my robe. Mayamaya lamang ay nalaglag na
iyon nang tuluyan, revealing me with nothing but his necklace. All flesh and scars,
my rawness right after his eyes. The flames flickered on his irises as he quickly
scanned my entirety, vulnerable in his touch.

He violently hissed before claiming my lips again. Humigpit ang kapit niya sa aking
bewang hanggang sa naramdaman kong inangat niya ang aking katawan, dinala sa
kaniyang pagtayo. Marahan niya akong ibinagsak sa kama, hindi bumibitiw ang mga
labi na tila ba ang isa't isa ang pinagkukuhanan ng hangin.

I tugged on his henley shirt and he got rid of it in a blink of an eye. My toes
curled in anticipation when his calloused palms caressed my bare thigh. Bumaba ang
kaniyang mga labi sa aking panga pabalik sa aking tainga.

"Emmanuelle," he called out in a hoarse voice, "I don't think I can hold back
anymore."

I arched my back and slightly lifted myself up to whisper in his ear. A wild rush
of pleasure came when my naked chest made contact with his. My fingers travelled to
his belt.

I felt like my soul was set on fire with his butane lips sinking on my fragile
neck. The sheets turned hellish as I spat flames enough to drive him mad.

"Then don't."

☽☾

Chapter 23

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti21
chapter twenty-one
"DOES IT HURT?"

I bit on my lower lip as I searched for an answer. Gulo-gulo ang buhok ni Adonis at
nakahiga sa aking tabi. His eyes screaming adoration never failed to make me feel
special. He always stares at me like I'm made close to perfection, like I'm made of
angel parts and roseate ichor. His eyes glistened with euphoria as he stared at me
in wonder.

Ang isa niyang kamay ay nagpapahinga sa aking bewang habang ang isa niyang bisig ay
ginawa kong unan. He wanted us to be close. Always. My legs feel numb and my thighs
never felt this tired. Sumiksik ako lalo sa kaniya dahil sa lamig ng aking kwarto.
He ran his fingers through my locks, occasionally planting feathery kisses on my
forehead.

I did not feel a single ounce of regret for what we did tonight. My heart is happy;
I gave it what it wanted.

"Medyo," pag-amin ko. He huskily chuckled near my ear and pulled me closer.
Nakabihis na ulit siya maliban sa kaniyang henley shirt na pinasuot niya sa akin
pagkatapos. Nakaidlip ata ako ng mga sampung minuto lamang. Naputol ang tulog ko
dahil ang ingay pa rin sa baba.

"Sorry. Was I...too rough?" mababa niyang tanong. Natatawa kong hinampas ang
kaniyang hubad na dibdib. He chuckled shortly and pulled me closer as if we weren't
close enough.

Napapapikit na lamang ako habang inaalala ang lahat ng nangyari kanina. I was the
aggressive one and the first to initiate it but I think I underestimated Adonis'
desires. It slipped my mind that he had been holding back ever since. Every time
I'd close my eyes, I'd remember the sounds of flesh, my creaking bed, and his feral
groans, resulting to the warming of my cheeks.

"Where the hell did you even learn those stuff?" taka kong tanong. I felt him
snickering. Gumagalaw ang palad ko sa kaniyang dibdib dahil sa kaniyang pagtawa.
Well, his party is still on-going but here he is, by my side as if he doesn't care
about everyone else downstairs.

"What? You think I'm naïve?" nanunuya niyang tanong. Hinampas ko nang marahan ang
kaniyang dibdib dahil hindi siya matigil sa pagtawa. Totoo naman kasi. Sa 'ming
dalawa ay siya 'tong mas marunong magkontrol sa sarili. I didn't expect him to be
like...that.

"Ewan ko sa 'yo..." sabi ko na lang. Hindi ko na ata makita si Adonis na mukhang

inosente. I knew he looked like a full course meal but him letting go of his
inhibitions made him finer than ever. Images of him sweating with his mouth agape
make me feel feverish. The way he throws his head back and curses softly every time
he'd be nearing his zenith...mababaliw ata ako.

"Bumaba ka na. Hinahanap ka na do'n," saad ko. He hummed. Mag-iisang oras na siyang
wala sa baba. Siya pa naman itong may birthday.

"But I wanna cuddle more," tila batang nagmamaktol niyang sabi at siniksik ang
aking mukha sa kaniyang leeg. I tapped on his chest to move away but he wouldn't
let me.

"Bumaba ka na. Isa, Adonis," pagbabanta ko. He groaned and sat down. Napanguso ako
nang makita ang marka ng aking kuko sa kaniyang likod. Pinalagutok niya ang
kaniyang leeg bago bumangon. Umayos ako sa pagkakahiga sa kama at lalong binalot
ang aking sarili sa makakapal na kumot.

"My shirt," aniya, bahagyang nakangisi. Napairap naman ako dahil suot ko nga pala
iyong damit niya. I gestured him to turn around but he just stood there in front of
me, mistulang inaabangan na maghubad ako sa harap niya.

"Talikod!" utos ko. Kumunot ang kaniyang noo at umiling.

"I've seen all of you, Emmanuelle. What's the poin—"

"Talikod sabi!" utos ko at binato siya ng unan. Natatawa siyang tumalikod sa akin.
Nararamdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng pisngi sa simpleng pang-aasar niya. Kainis!

I slipped out of his henley shirt and lifted the sheets to cover my body. Ibinato
ko sa kaniya iyong damit niya at tinamaan siya sa likod. He looked amused with my
actions. Umiiling-iling niyang kinuha ang kaniyang damit at mabilis na sinuot.

"You can rest now, if you want. Ila-lock ko na ang pinto," aniya at lumapit.
Dinampian niya ng halik ang aking pisngi bago umalis. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag
nang maiwang mag-isa na lamang.

Every single corner of my room now reminds me of him. Binaon ko ang aking mukha sa
unan dahil para akong nagkakaroon ng flashback ng mga nangyari kanina, mula sa
maliliit na tunog at detalye. Ibinalot ko muna ang sarili sa kumot bago umupo.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My neck looks pinkish from all his careful
biting. God, even my hair screams that I just got laid for the first time in my
whole life. Inamoy ko ang sarili. A very faint sillage from his perfume lingered in
my room, mixing with the shea butter freshener that I have; it reminded me of
cupcakes and warm espressos.

Tumayo na ako kahit na nanginginig pa ang mga tuhod. I can still feel his
massiveness inside me as if it never left. I know I'm no saint and I'm very aware
of how things like this feel like, pero iba pa rin talaga 'pag totohanan na. Kumuha
lamang ako ng bagong damit sa aking aparador. Kahit na gusto ko na lang mahiga
dito, hindi naman ako papayag na iwan si Adonis sa baba. Baka mamaya e lasingin ni
Van 'yon at kung ano-anong gawin. Masusuntok ko siya kung sakali.

My waist hurts a lot. Pakiramdam ko'y nagkapasa iyon dahil sa mariin niyang
paghawak. My thighs also look pinkish as if it's blushing. Wala naman sigurong
makakahalata non sa baba kaya pinabayaan ko nang shorts ang isuot ko. Naghilamos
muna ako at inayos ang buhok bago bumaba.

The living room was empty, probably because people chose to stay near the pool.
Nagtungo muna ako sa kusina para kumuha ng maligamgam na tubig na maiinom. I still
feel weak and my knees are still wobbling. Even walking seemed like a difficult
task.

My palms enveloped the mug with the warm water; its heat gradually shufted to my
hands. Napapitlag ako nang biglang may nagsalita sa aking likuran.

"Hi, Elle."

Dahan-dahan ko itong nilingon habang iniinom ang maligamgam na tubig. Kumunot ang
noo ko dahil hindi ko naman siya kilala. He was just in his muscle tee and some
board shorts. He looked pretty average. Well...he looked like the type of guy
Diesel beats up after school hours.

Tinaasan ko lamang siya ng kilay. Lumingon ako sa kaniyang likuran at wala naman
siyang ibang kasama. "Do I know you?" tanong ko. Sigurado naman akong hindi ang
sagot. Pakiramdam ko'y first time ko nga siyang makikita sa tanang buhay ko. He
didn't look like Vivian's friend neither. Who the heck is this guy?

Ngumisi lamang siya na mukhang hindi makapaniwala. I continued giving him the smug
look.

"You really just toy with boys, don't you?"

Kumulo ata ang dugo ko sa narinig. Inilapag ko muna ang mug sa marmol na counter at
hinagod siya ng tingin. I made sure that I looked disgusted as I scanned his
entirety. He's not one of the guys I used to flirt with. No way. I have taste.

"Before, yes,"sagot ko. "Pero sorry ha? Hindi ako interesado sa'yo ngayon, at
sigurado akong kahit noon." I rolled my eyes.

His jaw ticked with annoyance. Mukhang nainsulto nga siya sa sinabi ko. E sa totoo
namang hindi ko siya kilala. I don't even get why he's talking to me right now.

"You flirted with me at the bar. Birthday ko noon. Tapos umalis ka na lang bigla.
You think you can get away like that from me that easily?"

Tinagilid ko ang aking ulo. Diesel probably knows this guy, or kahit may mutual
friend man lang sila. Nang bahagyang matauhan kung saan ko siya nakita ay
naliwanagan na ako. He's the guy from Spades I used to divert my attention from
Adonis and the girls swarming over him.

"That's ages ago, dude," saad ko. I can't fucking believe this. Do I really need to
explain myself? A no is a no. That's it.

"Isa pa, I didn't flirt with you. Wala na ba talagang pumapatol sa'yo na miski
small talk ay akala mo'y nilalandi ka na?"

Bahagyang tumaas ang aking boses. I saw him gritting his teeth. Kinilabutan ata ako
nang hagurin niya ako ng tingin. I don't want to judge people but he looks like he
has a dirty plan behind his back.

"So you're playing hard to get—"

"Oh, my god! No! Ako? Hard-to-get sa 'yo? I don't even like you!" iritable kong
sabi. Hindi ito ang unang beses na nakipagtalo ako sa lalaking tulad niya. Guys
like him are the worst. Those who can't take a no for an answer and just keep on
pushing themselves...sobrang nakakairita! When a girl says no, it's a no. It's not
like we're trying to make them chase after us. Ang ayaw ko talaga ay ang hindi
marunong tumanggap ng rejection.

Guys should get their egos checked. Akala mo naman ay hawak nila sa leeg ang mga
babae.

He was about to speak when I saw someone enter. "Raven!" tawag ko rito. Agad siyang
napalingon sa 'kin. He must have sensed that I needed help so he went to my place
as fast as he could.

Raven looked serious and less dangerous than Diesel, but he still emitted that
intimidating aura. Tipid niyang nilingon iyong lalaki ngunit ramdam ko ang talim ng
kaniyang mga mata na akala mo'y sinusugatan na niya ang lalaking 'to sa isip niya.

"May problema ba dito?" tanong niya. The question was directed to the guy and not
me. Nagsukatan lamang sila ng tingin. I felt Raven's arm wrapping protectively
behind me.

"Wala naman..." saad nitong lalaki. I can sense the sarcasm on his voice. Akala
niya ata ay walang gagawin si Raven sa kaniya kung sakali mang hindi siya tumigil.

Raven practiced Muay Thai. If I were him, I'd run for my life right now even with
trembling knees.

"Umalis ka na dito at baka basagin ko lahat ng ngipin mo," seryosong sabi ni Raven.
The guy just scoffed at him. Nilingon ako nito nang may masamang tingin bago
naglakad paalis. Tingnan mo. Takot din naman pala.

"Thanks," I breathed. Raven clicked his tongue and nodded. He leaned on the kitchen
counter.

"Want him out? Nandiyan lang si Diesel sa tabi-tabi.... He can take care of that
guy single-handedly."

Napalingon ako sa kaniya dahil sa kaniyang sinabi. Diesel's outside? Bakit hindi
man lang siya nagsabi?

"'Wag na.... Mapapaaway pa 'yong tao," agap ko. I don't want to ruin this night.
Birthday pa rin naman ni Adonis.

Raven nodded but his dark stares lingered at me for a moment. Sumenyas siyang
lalabas muna kaya naiwan na naman akong mag-isa sa kusina. Napataas ang kilay ko
habang inaanalisa ang kilos niya. I sighed. Sasabihin niya pa rin iyon kay Diesel
kahit na sinabi kong 'wag na. Their brotherhood is stronger than the Great Wall of
China.

Paglabas ko sa may pool area ay maliligalig pa rin ang mga tao. I saw Adonis seated
with some of his classmates. His head rested on his palms stretched out behind it.
Nakatanaw lamang siya sa pool habang kumikibot ang labi. He stopped talking when
our eyes met. Bahagya akong kumaway sa kaniya. He muttered something to his friends
before standing up. Nakita ko pa ang pagpigil sa kaniya ni Cho ngunit natatawa
lamang si Adonis na tinanggal ang pagkakakapit nito sa damit niya.

"Bakit ka umalis? Doon ka lang," saad ko pagkalapit niya. Umiling lamang siya at
kinulong ako sa kaniyang bisig.

"It's fine. Ihahatid ko pa si Selene pauwi. Tita would kill me," aniya. Tinanggal
ko ang sandals na suot at niyaya siya sa gilid ng pool. Nilubog ko ang aking binti
at hinawi ang tubig gamit ang mga paa. He did the same as he locked our fingers.

My face contorted in disgust when I saw Van and Finn wearing brassieres. Kulay neon
green iyong kay Finn at si Van naman ay kulay hot pink. Ni hindi ko alam kung
kanino iyon! Ang ilan ay panay ang kuha ng larawan sa kanila. I bet they'd die of
shame once they're famous and their photos looking like that were suddenly leaked.
Wala si Maxim. Well, sabi nga ni Van ay galit iyon sa 'kin.

"Where's Selene?" tanong ko.

"Restroom, vomiting her guts out. Ajax is with her."

"Ajax? Ka-edad ko lang 'yon 'di ba?" He already told Nana about that certain Ajax
cousin of his, pero hindi ko pa iyon nakikita kahit kailan.

"Yeah. Stop asking about him," mariin niyang sabi. Kumunot ang noo ko.
"Bakit naman? Pogi rin ba?" I casually asked. Nilingon ko si Adonis na nakasimangot
na sa akin. My brows shot up. What?

"Magkakahawig kaming magpipinsan," tipid niyang sagot. I nodded. Pumalatak siya at

naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng kapit niya sa aking kamay.

"Why? You're interested in him?" malamig niyang tanong. Napaawang ang aking labi sa
kaniyang sinabi. With my free hand, I punched his arm.

"Selos ka na niyan?" pang-aasar ko. He groaned.

"Ajax is the younger version of me. Malay ko ba kung mas gusto mo 'yong mas bata,"
masungit nitong sabi. Napangisi ako sa kaniyang hitsura—kunot ang noo at mukhang
galit sa mundo. Guwapo pa rin siya kahit nagsusuplado.

"Nope. I like older guys," saad ko na nagpapikit sa kaniya. Sinamaan niya ako ng
tingin.

"Stop flirting with me in public, Emmanuelle," mariin niyang sabi.

"Excuse me lang, I'm not flirting with you. When I said I like older guys...I meant
someone like...your father and uncles," saad ko at natawa. Mabilis na pumaling sa
'kin ang kaniyang matalim na tingin at nagmamadali naman akong tumayo at lumayas sa
poolside. I heard him calling my name out of frustration as I ran away from that
area.

"Ang kulit mo," aniya nang mahagip ako. My chuckles were contained when he buried
my face on his chest.

"I bet your father's hot, huh?" panggagatong ko. Halos madurog na ata ako sa
biglaang paghigpit ng kaniyang kapit sa 'kin. I heard him cussing.

"Seriously?" takang-takang tanong niya. Nahampas ko ang kaniyang dibdib. Of course,

not!

Mayamaya lamang ay nakita ko na si Selene na akay ng kaniyang pinsan. Pikit na ang

parehas na mata nito habang mukhang iritable iyong umaakay sa kaniya.

When Adonis said that Ajax looked like the younger version of him, he wasn't
joking. Kuhang-kuha niya ang hitsura ni Adonis mula sa matatapang na mata at panga,
tamang kapal na labi, at matangos na ilong. Ang pinagkaiba lang ata nila ay ang
kulay ng balat. Ajax looked really pale like a vampire, with hair as dark as the
night-sky. He also had piercings on his left ear, silver studs in contrast with his
soft dark hair near his ears. Nagtagal ang tingin niya sa akin.

"Eyes here, Ajax," agarang sabi ni Adonis. I felt his hand crawling to my waist.
Inirapan lamang siya ng pinsan.

"Jealous old fuck," komento nito. Sininghalan lamang siya ni Adonis.

"Shut up, will you?"

Nagtulungan na ang magpinsan na magdala kay Selene sa sasakyan. Nang maisakay ito
sa backseat ay susunod na sana si Ajax ngunit mabilis itong hinila ni Adonis sa
kwelyo ng itim na flannel na suot.

"Umuwi ka mag-isa mo. May motor kang dala, a," reklamo ni Adonis dito. Ajax looked
at him in disbelief. Inirapan lamang siya nito.
"Ipauuwi ko kay Kuya Ross—"

"Iuwi mo. Lasing na si Cho," masungit na sabi ni Adonis. Hindi ko mapigilan ang
pagka-amuse habang nanonood sa kanilang mag-usap. Hindi naman talaga masungit si
Adonis e. Pakiramdam ko'y kay Ajax lang siya ganiyang kasungit.

"Tinatamad akong mag-drive!" reklamo ni Ajax. Adonis rolled his eyes at his cousin
and opened the shotgun seat for me.

"Edi sana 'di ka nagdala ng sasakyan mo. Use your head. Kamukha pa naman kita tapos
ang mangmang mo. Mahiya ka naman sa 'kin."

Pinigilan ko ang matawa sa kanilang sagutan. Ajax looked at me kaya naman halos
lunukin ko na ang pagtawa ko dahil sa madilim niyang pagtingin.

"Please," he mouthed. Nilingon ko si Adonis na pumunta na sa driver's seat. I

tapped his arm before he can start the engine.

"Isabay mo na," saad ko sa kaniya. Adonis closed his eyes shut and heaved a sigh.
Binuksan niya ang lock ng isang pintuan sa likod. Ajax was grinning from ear-to-ear
as he entered the vehicle.

"One point for me," mapang-asar na sabi ng kaniyang pinsan. Adonis glared at him
through the rearview mirror.

"Patay ka sa 'kin sa bahay," pagbabanta nitong isa. Ajax just snickered and rolled
his eyes. Our eyes met for a moment.

"Thanks," he mouthed and I just nodded.

Walang umiimik sa sasakyan. Bahagya na akong dinadalaw ng antok dahil sa simoy ng

hangin na humahaplos sa aking balat. Selene's knocked out already and Ajax has his
earphones on. Adonis was just silently driving towards my apartment.

"Sa kanto na lang ako," saad ko kay Adonis. Saglit niya akong nilingon at umiling.

"Hindi na. Ibababa na kita doon mismo," agap niya. Napansin ko ang paglingon sa
'min ni Ajax mula sa salamin. Nabigla ako nang tanggalin niya ang isa niyang
earphone at sumingit ang ulo niya sa pagitan ng upuan namin ni Adonis.

"Yeah, take her home. I wanna see where she lives so I can visit her,"biglaan
nitong sabi. Adonis' knuckles tightened on the steering wheel. Naguguluhan akong
tumingin kay Ajax ngunit kinindatan niya lamang ako.

"Patay ka talaga sa 'kin mamaya," mababang saad ni Adonis at tumigil lang sa may
kanto. Saka ko lamang napagtanto kung bakit sinabi ni Ajax iyon. He clicked his
tongue and went back to his seat.

"Mag-ingat ka. Text me when you're home," marahang sabi ni Adonis. I nodded. I gave
him a kiss on the cheek and I heard Ajax groan from the backseat.

"May problema ka, bata?" nang-aasar na sabi ni Adonis. Natawa lamang ako sa
kanilang magpinsan bago bumaba sa sasakyan. Adonis gave me a short nod before I
started to walk down the dark road.

Natigilan ako sa paglalakad nang makarinig ng hakbang mula sa aking likuran. Saglit
ko iyong nilingon ngunit wala naman akong nakita. My right hand rested on my chest
to calm my heart down. Hindi naman ako naniniwala sa multo pero kung sakali mang
may magpakita sa 'kin ngayon ay baka maniwala na ako.
Napaatras ako nang may isang lalaking tumambad sa 'kin pagkaharap ko muli sa may
gate ng aking apartment. I clutched on my chest as I looked at this guy in front of
me. What the heck is he doing here? Why's he so goddamn persistent? Did he follow
me here? What the fuck?

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo dito?" tanong ko. I did not let him see the panic in my system.
Pasimple kong ginala ang tingin sa paligid. Sarado na ang mga malapit na tindahan
at halos lahat ata ay natutulog na dahil dis-oras na ng gabi.

I took a step back when he neared. I scrunched my nose when he smelled like
alcohol. Pasimple kong kinuha ang aking cellphone at agad na nilagay iyon sa
contact ni Diesel. My finger was on stand-by on the call button.

Muntik ko nang mabitiwan ang aking cellphone nang sugurin niya ako. Wala tuloy
akong nagawa kung hindi ang tumakbo palayo. I hissed when he pulled my ankle. Agad
akong nadapa sa aspalto at naramdaman ko ang pagkakaroon ng galos doon. Even my
palms hurt with the sudden contact with the road! Buti na lamang at naituon ko iyon
agad kundi ay baka mukha ko ang may bangas.

My phone flew quite far from me. Iyon ang hinagilap ko at pinilit siyang tadyakan.
I immediately pressed the call button when I had the chance. Bigla niya akong
pinatungan at aksidenteng napalayo sa 'kin ang aking phone.

"Get off!" reklamo ko sa kaniyang bigat. I felt his hands travelling on my body.
Napapikit ako nang may maalalang senaryo sa ganitong posisyon. Fucking Archer
Dyquiangco. That pedophile scarred me for life.

I let out a scream in attempt to wake the neighbours up. His rough hand kept on
tugging on my denim shorts, trying to pull it down. If only he was not biologically
stronger, I would have broken his neck! Tangina! Kadiri!

Bago pa man dumapo ang kaniyang labi sa aking leeg ay may marahas na humila sa
kaniya. I immediately sat down and tried to stand up even with my hurting knees.
Adira wrapped a jacket around me before opening the gate of my apartment. They all
have a spare key since I always lose mine.

"S-Si Diesel," pigil ko. He might get jailed if he gets too far. Umiling lamang si
Adira.

"He can handle it. Let him," mahina nitong sabi. I sat on my sofa and watched my
bleeding wound. Inayos ko ang aking damit at ang bra strap na nasa braso ko na. I
watched as Adira entered my room to get my first aid kit. Lumuhod siya sa aking
harapan at simpleng nilagyan ng betadine ang bulak na akala mo'y walang nagaganap
na bugbugan sa labas.

"Si Diesel!" I exclaimed. Adira rolled her eyes at me.

"Kaya niya 'yon. He won't get jailed. Don't underestimate that guy's mind," saad
niya. She shook her head as she's cleaning my wound. "Diesel and I followed that
guy right after Raven told him what happened inside your house. Tama nga siya sa
naisip na susundan ka non."

Nilahad ko ang aking palad na may iilang cuts. Diesel and I haven't been in talking
terms ever since he accused Adonis of cheating, ngunit kahit na ganoon ay nandito
siya para sa 'kin. I suddenly felt guilty.

Nang matapos si Adira sa ginagawa ay saktong pumasok si Diesel. He looked sweaty

and murderous. Nanlamig ata ako nang pasadahan niya ako ng tingin.
"N-Nasaan na 'yong lalaki?" taong ko. Diesel cocked his head to the side.

"Nilibing ko na," sagot niya at ngumisi.

He suddenly tossed me my phone at mabuti na lamang ay nasalo ko iyon. It had a few

scratches, but thankfully, it's not broken. Pumunta siya sa kusina kung nasaan si
Adira na nagtitimpla ng kape.

"Seryoso, Diesel!" saad ko. Lumingon siya sa akin at umiling.

"I let him go and he went home like a kid that he is," tipid nitong sabi. "Maswerte
siya't nakakalakad pa siya."

May pinag-uusapan silang dalawa namistulang ayaw nilang iparinig sa 'kin. Mayamaya
lamang ay nilapitan ako ni Diesel at lumuhod siya sa aking harapan habang
tinitingnan iyong sugat ko.

"That motherfucker needs to pay," aniya at ngumisi. "Adira's staying with you,"
dagdag niya. Tumayo na siya at bago mabuksan ang pinto ay hinaklit ko ang dulo ng
kaniyang t-shirt.

"Saan ka pupunta?" tanong ko. There's a high chance that he's going to get back at
that guy. Natatakot akong baka mamaya e matuluyan na niya. He can't easily get away
with that in case that happens.

"As much as I hate your boyfriend, he needs to know. At wala sa hitsura mo na may
balak kang sabihin sa kaniya. I'll just tell Adonis and let him handle it...with no
violence, this time," mabagal niyang ani. Bahagya akong nagdududa sa kaniya ngunit
inirapan niya lamang ko at tinanggal ang pagkakakapit sa kaniya at dire-diretsong
umalis.

Adira plugged in my laptop and logged in to Diesel's Netflix account again. Inabot
niya sa 'kin ang isang tasa ng maligamgam na kape. Prente lamang siyang nakaupo sa
sofa. Inilapag ko muna ang mug sa lamesita at hinagip ang aking throw pillow habang
inoobserbahan siya. I barely know Adira, but it seems like she knows Diesel a lot
more than I do.

"Addie...how did you meet Diesel?" tanong ko. Napatigil siya sa pagba-broswe ng mga
movies at nilingon ako.

"I ran away from home when I was 14...Diesel sheltered me," simpleng sagot niya.
Nanlaki ang mata ko sa kaniyang sagot at hindi maiwasan ang pagkabigla. Fourteen?!
I was already 17 when I met Diesel. Ibig sabihin pala ay mas matagal na talaga
silang magkakilala. And...she ran away when she was that young?

"Things happened and I met him again in college...." Sumimsim siya sa kaniyang
kape. It seems like the both of us won't sleep tonight. "Can I be honest with you?"
tanong niya at nilingon ako ng kaniyang mala-manikang mga mata. Tumango ako.

"When I saw you, I didn't think of you as a friend," panimula niya. Bahagya siyang
napangisi.

"I used to have a crush on you, Emmanuelle. In a romantic way, believe it or not,"
aniya.

Muntik ko na atang maibuga 'yung kapeng iniinom ko. Napalingon siya sa akin at
natawa sa aking reaksyon.
"I'm bisexual. Diesel knows. I had my first sort of girlfriend when I was 14,"
pagkukwento niya, hindi pa rin mabura ang ngisi sa labi.

Hindi ko mapigilan ang bahagyang mahiya. I used to cling on Adira when she was new
to our circle because I didn't want her to feel left out. Kaya pala minsa'y umiiwas
siya! God, I didn't know!

"Hoy. Bakit ganiyan hitsura mo?" tanong niya at tinaasan ako ng kilay.

Umiling lamang ako. She scowled. "I'm over you, Emmanuelle. You hear me? I'm over
you," pabiro niyang sabi at maarteng pinilantik ang daliri. Nahawa ako sa kaniyang
pagtawa.

She leaned on the couch. Nilalaro na lamang niya ang remote control sa kaniyang
kamay habang nakatingala sa kisame.

"Just like you, I'm one of the misfits Diesel saved," she trailed. "I'm thankful
for that guy," pabulong niyang dagdag.

Umayos na siya ng upo at pumili ng light romance movie. Niyakap niya ang isa ko
pang throw-pillow.

"Emma," tawag niya sa kalagitnaan ng intro.

"Yeah?" I asked and tore my gaze away from the screen.

I saw her flash a soft smile. "Diesel loves you. He will never be the villain in
your life. Remember that."

I SHOULD HAVE listened to Adira, and I should have listened to Diesel.

☽☾

Chapter 24

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti22
chapter twenty-two

HINDI KO NA alam kung ano ang nangyari kay Nicholas—the guy who tried to do
something with me. Diego Anselmo didn't bother to tell me anything. Aniya ay hindi
na iyon muling makalalapit sa 'kin. Ni anino nga niNicholas ay 'di ko na nakita.
I'm not even sure if he still studies in the same uni. Hindi ko alam kung totoo ang
sinabi ni Diesel na pinalagpas lamang niya ito o ano. I'm pretty sure he scared
that guy to death.

Rage was an understatement to describe how Adonis felt when he found out.
Kinabukasan ay dumiretso siya sa aking apartment. Wala naman akong sugat maliban sa
mga galos sa tuhod at palad.

"AJAX' MOM IS a lawyer. We should file a case," pamimilit niya. Umiling lamang ako.
Problema at dagdag-isipin pa 'yon.

"Adonis, let that go. It's been a week. At ayos naman ako ngayon, a?" tugon ko.
Pumalatak siya na mukhang ayaw magpatalo. Kahit pa tiyahin niya iyong abogado ay
wala siyang magagawa kung ayaw kong makipag-cooperate sa gusto niya.

Isa pa, iniisip ko rin kung ano'ng kalagayan ni Nicholas. Sigurado akong baldado pa
'yon ngayon. I think that's enough payment for what he did.

"How about we file a restraining order?"

I looked at him, mouth agape. Siya naman ay seryoso lamang na nakatingin sa 'kin.
Umiling akong muli. Hindi na kailangan non. Having Diesel as a friend is enough. Sa
takot na lamang ng mga tao sa lalaking 'yon ay hindi na sila magtatangkang muli.

"Come on, sweetheart. I won't let that pass," desperado niyang saad. Nilingon ko
siya. I was busy cleaning and reorganizing my art cabinet. Tinutulungan niya ako sa
pagre-rearrange ng mga furniture sa aking apartment.

"I'm okay, Adonis; that was nothing."

He pouted but then eventually nodded. Nagpatuloy na lang ako sa pag-aayos ng mga
materyales. Nang matapos ay nahiga ako sa aking kama kahit pawisan pa. I will
change the sheets later, anyway.

"Tabi tayo," saad ni Adonis at inisod ako nang kaunti. Hindi ko mapigilan ang hindi
mapatingin sa kaniyang lantad na katawan. Hindi ko alam kung may time ba siyang
mag-gym at ganiyan ang kaniyang katawan. His hair was wet as if he just took a bath
because of his intense sweating. Pinagbuhat ko ba naman ng kung ano-ano. I insisted
to help him pero ayaw niya akong pagbuhatin kaya naman nagpunas na lang ako ng
cabinets.

"Don't you want to paint your ceiling?" tanong niya. Ramdam ko ang init ng kaniyang
katawan dahil sa pagtatrabaho.

Parehas kaming nakatingin sa blangko kong kisame. I want to paint it, of course.
Matagal ko nang gusto iyon ngunit wala akong oras. I want it to resemble the
paintings on churches, in classical style with victorian angels. Matrabaho iyon at
hindi ko sigurado kung matatapos ko kaya hindi ko na lang sinimulan.

"Next time siguro...or maybe just my room in the mansion," saad ko. He hummed in
agreement. Tumayo na ako para sana maligo ngunit hinigit niya muli ang katawan ko
para humiga sa kaniyang tabi.

"Pawisan tayo, Adonis!" sita ko sa kaniya. He only chuckled with my comment. Amoy
na amoy ko pa rin ang pabango niya kahit na pawisan ang loko.

"I wonder if you'll react the same when we're sweating for a different reason—"

Hinampas ko ang kaniyang dibdib dahil sa pahiwatig ng kaniyang naputol na

sasabihin. Humagalpak siya ng tawa sa pang-aasar sa 'kin. Nang humiwalay ako ay
hinayaan na niya. Siya na lamang ang umupo. Isinabit niya ang kaniyang binti sa
kahoy ng aking kama. He looked at our reflection on the full-sized mirror.
Pinulupot niya ang kaniyang braso sa aking bewang at sinandal ang ulo sa aking
balikat habang nakatingin pa rin sa aming repleksyon.

"I feel tired," I said.

"You feel warm," he murmured. Agad na nag-init ang aking pisngi sa kaniyang
komento. Kumunot ang noo ko at bahagya siyang siniko.

"What? You literally feel warm right now, sweetheart.... Ikaw 'tong iba ang
iniisip," aniya habang nagpipigil ng tawa. Sa bugnot ay pinisil ko iyong hita niya
na pilit niyang iniiwas.

"Maligo ka na," utos ko. He chuckled and pulled me closer.

"Sabay na tayo?" aya niya. I rolled my eyes at him and removed his grip from me.
Binuksan ko iyong aparador at binato sa kaniya ang malinis na t-shirt niya.

"Maligo ka mag-isa mo," pagsusungit ko. Sumimangot lamang siya ngunit mayamaya'y
bumalik ang ngisi. He grabbed my towel and went to the bathroom. Susunod din naman
pala.

Dahil naliligo si Adonis ay nagpunas ako ng sarili gamit ang basang bimpo. I don't
want to take a bath again. Kaliligo ko lang kanina bago siya dumating. Pumunta muna
ako sa kusina para maghilamos at maginhawahan. Sinikop ko ang mahaba kong buhok sa
isang malinis na ponytail. I changed into a new shirt and denim shorts.

Mayamaya lamang ay may narinig akong kumakalampag sa gate. Kumunot ang aking noo. I
checked my phone to see if my friends told me that they're coming over, ngunit wala
naman. Inilagay ko sa likuran ng aking tainga ang takas na mga buhok. I made sure I
looked decent before I went to the door.

Natigilan ako nang makita ang nakaparadang mamahaling sasakyan sa labas. A woman
wearing a classic black dress and a coat was standing near the entryway. Sinisipat
niya ang hitsura ng labas ng aking apartment na tinutuluyan. Hindi siya gaanong
maputi, ngunit hindi rin sapat ang kulay niya para tawaging morena. Her eyes were
upturned, with soft lashes fanning slowly as she observed the entirety of the area.

Dahan-dahan akong lumapit. Her soft almond eyes shifted to me. Maamo ang kaniyang
ngiti. I tried to flash her the same sweet smile but I'm not sure if I looked
genuine, because I am so confused on who she is and what she is doing here.

"Ano pong hanap niyo?" magalang kong tanong. Nagtagal ang kaniyang tingin sa 'kin
nang hindi umiimik. Nang makabawi ay bahagya siyang tumikhim.

"I'm Harriet Revillanes," tipid niyang pakilala. Dali-dali kong binuksan ang gate
upang tanggapin ang kaniyang kamay. Her palms felt soft, mistulang walang ginagawa
sa bahay.

Wait...Revillanes?

Hinagip niya ang aking mata. "I'm Adonis' mother. Is he here?"

Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Napaawang ang aking labi habang nakatigin
sa kaniya. Namana sa kaniya ni Adonis ang kulay ng balat at ng buhok. She smiled at
me and looked at our hands. Napaayos tuloy ako ng tayo at binawi ang aking kamay,
bahagyang ginapangan ng hiya.

Oh my, god. What is she doing here? Hindi ako prepared! Amoy pawis pa ako!

"N-Nasa loob po," sagot ko, wala pa rin sa katinuan.

Nilakihan ko lalo ang pagkakabukas ng gate at hinayaan siyang makapasok. She was
looking at the plants outside my apartment. Hindi ko alam kung hinuhusgahan niya na
ba ako o ano. Well, the Revillanes are packed. Mayayaman ang mga 'to, so it's
natural for them to think if I'm after Adonis' money. But, Adonis' mother doesn't
seem like the type of woman who looks down on people.

Plus, I don't need their money. Iyong galing nga sa tatay ko ay halos 'di ko
tinatanggap, sa kanila pa kaya?

"N-Naliligo po si Adonis," nahihiya kong sabi, natatakot na baka iba ang isipin
niya. Namataan ko ang pagkunot ng kaniyang noo at ang nanunuyang ngisi. She only
nodded.

"M-May gusto po ba kayong kainin?" tanong ko. She shook her head. I clenched my
fist to compose myself. Kaya ko 'to.

She sat on the couch. Hindi pa rin mapakali ang kaniyang mata sa paggala sa aking
apartment. Nagtagal ang kaniyang tingin sa isang panig ng pader. Nilingon ko iyon
at nakita ang painting ko noon. Napapikit na lamang ako nang mariin. Sa rami ng
paintings ko na pwede niyang makita, iyong graphic pa talaga?

Dali-dali kong tinanggal ang framed painting na ginawa ko. It was a naked woman,
stabbed on the chest with a rose, enveloped in the arms of a skeleton, legs wide
apart, with flowers in between her thighs. I was so proud of this painting, pero
nahihiya ako na ito pa ang makikita ng ina ni Adonis. Good thing we cleaned up the
apartment!

"May I see that?" tanong niya. I bit my lower lip. She gave me a smile, mistulang
pinagagaan ang loob ko. Nag-aalinlangan kong inabot sa kaniya ang malaking frame.

The way she scrutinizes my painting reminds me of her son. Parehas silang nilalapit
iyong obra sa kanilang mga mata na para bang hindi sapat na tingnan lang ito. She
nodded slowly as she observed the tiniest details.

"This looks nice. You're an Arts student, right?" tanong niya at nilahad sa 'kin
ang frame. Tinanggap ko iyon nang nanginginig nang bahagya ang mga daliri. I nodded
in response to her question.

"What's your name, hija?" tanong niya. Naupo ako sa kaniyang tapat at inilapag ang
frame sa lamesita.

"Emmanuelle po," tipid kong sagot. All her attention was on me, but she didn't look
like she's judging me. I fiddled with my fingers to ease my nervousness. Fuck.
Ganito ba ang naramdaman ni Adonis noon?

"You live here? Saan ang tunay mong bahay?" kaswal niyang tanong.

"Umuupa lang po kasi mas malapit sa uni. Sa...Gorotizca po ako nakatira..." I

trailed. Nakita ko ang pag-awang ng kaniyang labi sa gulat. Imposibleng hindi niya
alam kung saan iyon. Our name's known in the whole country and probably outside of
it. Isa pa, may malaking arkong nakalagay ang aming apelyido bago ka makarating sa
mismong tahanan.

"You're...Valentin's daughter?" takang-takang tanong niya. I nodded. She probably

knows my father because of the corporate world. Tinagilid niya ang kaniyang ulo na
parang nag-iisip ng kung ano.

"You pay for your own rent? Valentin's abroad for years now, right?" she asked,
careful with her words. I appreciated her asking about that instead of my mother's
death.

"Opo," sagot ko. I just didn't know what to say! I saw her sigh.

"You sell your paintings to pay for the rent? I saw your paintings in Ayeon's
room," saad niya at ngumiti. I nodded again. I felt so stiff while talking to her,
but I couldn't just ignore her.

"That's good."

Tila nabunutan ako ng tinik nang marinig ang tuwa sa kaniyang boses. I felt like
I've gained her approval.

"Ma?"

Napalingon kaming dalawa nang may nagsalita. Hindi pa tapos si Adonis sa pagsusuot
ng kaniyang t-shirt nang lumabas siya. Tinaasan siya ng kilay ng kaniyang ina.
Adonis immediately went to sit beside me and quickly fixed his shirt. He grabbed my
hand and put it on his thigh. Nakita ko ang pagsulyap ng kaniyang ina doon.

"Hi, son," sarkastikong sabi ng kaniyang ina. She turned to me with a warmer
expression.

"W-Why are you here?" tanong niya. He intertwined our fingers and once again, his
mother's eyes shifted to that. Nakita ko ang seryosong paninitig sa kaniya ng ina.

"To figure out why you're always out, not answering our calls, and always late on
family gatherings. I thought you joined a fraternity. Turns out, you're just here,"
aniya. Adonis sighed and scratched his eyebrows.

Nilingon ko siya. Lagi kong sinasabi sa kaniya na ayos lang naman na mag-isa ako. I
didn't know his parents were looking for him. Wala man lang sinasabi sa 'kin si
Adonis na napagagalitan na pala siya.

"S-Sorry po," saad ko. Humigpit ang kapit sa 'kin ni Adonis. Kunot ang kaniyang noo
at seryoso akong tiningnan. He shook his head at me, as if telling me not to be
sorry.

"No need to be sorry, Emmanuelle...." Napalingon muli ako sa kaniyang ina. Kapag
ako ang kausap niya ay maamo ang kaniyang mukha, ngunit 'pag ang anak niya ay mukha
siyang strikta.

Nilingon niya si Adonis at tinaasan ng kilay. "I'm pretty sure it's my son who
doesn't want to leave you here. He's stubborn, you know?"

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang nginitian niya akong muli. Adonis sighed.

"What are you doing here, Ma?"

His mother gave him a meaningful stare. Tumayo na ito kaya naman napatayo rin kami
ni Adonis. Pinagbuksan ko ito ng pinto at sumunod kami ni Adonis hanggang sa may
gate.

"I told you...tiningnan ko lang talaga kung ano'ng pinagkakaabalahan mo," saad ng
kaniyang ina bago umalis. I just stayed a bit behind Adonis.

"I'm fine, Ma," mariing sagot ni Adonis. He reached for my hand and pulled me
beside him. Bumaba sa magkahawak naming kamay ang tingin ng kaniyang ina.

Seryosong-seryoso ang kaniyang mga matang tinagpo ang sa anak. "You have some
explaining to do, Ayeon," strikta niyang saad bago pumasok sa sasakyan. Adonis'
grip on my hand tightened. Bumitiw siya saglit para ikandado ang gate.

Hindi siya umiimik hanggang sa makarating sa loob muli. I know Adonis when
something's bothering him. Hindi mapakali ang kaniyang mga mata. Alam kong wala sa
realidad ang kaniyang isip at lumilipad na kung saan.

"What's wrong?" tanong ko. Umiling lamang siya at hinigit muli ako pahiga sa kama.

"What did Mama tell you?" tanong niya pabalik.

"Wala naman. She's nice," saad ko. Nilingon niya ako at tinaasan ng kilay na parang
hindi naniniwala. I pinched the bridge of his nose to stop him from thinking too
much. Nahahawa na ata siya sa pag-ooverthink ko.

THE NEXT FEW days, I did not let Adonis in my apartment. Pinabayaan ko muna siyang
umuwi lagi nang maaga sa kanila. Isa pa, I think he needs that. Baka mamaya e
masyado na siyang nasasanay na halos sa akin umikot ang mundo niya.

"Emmanuelle!"

Napalingon ako sa tumawag sa 'kin. It was a hot November afternoon at school.

Kasama ko si Vivian na napataas ang kilay nang makita si Lila na dumating. I'm
pretty sure she has an idea who Lila is.

"Bakit?" tanong ko. Naglakad kami papunta sa silong ng isang building. Lila got
something from the pockets of her long skirt. Inabot niya iyon sa 'kin at binuksan
ko naman agad ang sobre. Tumaas ang kilay ko nang makitang invitation na naman ito
sa party.

People should really practice safe sex during Valentine's month. Masyado nang
marami ang November babies.

"You can bring her, too, if you want," aniya at inginuso si Vivian. Kumunot ang noo
ni Vivian sa kaniya at tinaasan lamang siya ng kilay. I nudged Vivian before she
starts bitching out on Lila.

"Tingnan ko," sagot ko. Lila nodded enthusiastically before leaving us there.
Vivian rolled her eyes and looked at Lila's retreating figure with disgust.

"It's not like I want to be in her party," maarteng saad nito. Natawa ako sa
kaniyang pagmamaldita. Vivian's a social butterfly so she gets invited to almost
every event. Lila's birthday is just nothing to her.

"Ang dami namang ganap ngayon, kawawa ata ang atay ko," sabi ni Vivian habang
kinakapa ang parte kung nasaan ang kaniyang atay.

"Pupunta ba tayo? It's a Friday night, anyway," saad ko. Vivian looked at me with
her brows shot up.

"You're bringing your boy with you?" tanong niya. I scoffed. Ayaw talaga niyang
maging third wheel.

"I heard from Cho that they have a lot of projects...at 'wag ko daw munang hiramin
si Adonis sa group nila."

Vivian snickered. Ako naman ay bahagyang napailing dahil hindi naman sinasabi ni
Adonis sa 'kin ang mga iyon.

"I'll bring Kuya," suhestiyon ni Vivian. Tumango ako bilang pagsang-ayon. We need
someone to take us home and look after us.

Tumupad ako sa hiling ni Cho na 'wag munang i-distract si Adonis. Habang nagpa-
plantsa ng buhok ay iniisip ko iyon. Am I really a distraction to Adonis? Am I
pulling him down with me?

I don't want him to lose his focus on his goals. Maganda na ang nasimulan niya,
ayokong biglaang masira iyon dahil sa akin. He has already built his name,
untainted...something he can be proud of.
Is this love destructive? I hope not.

Kinapa ko ang kwintas na kaniyang binigay sa akin. Schatzi—it's an endearment for a

woman you treasure, a girlfriend, a sweetheart. Hindi ko na ito hinuhubad,
natatakot kasi akong mawala ko.

I looked at my phone. I received a text from him. He's at Rosseau's dorm working on
their main project for this sem. Overnight sila roon. Gabi na rin at mukhang malayo
pa sa realidad ang project nila.

Adonis:
I miss you. :(

Napangiti ako sa kaniyang text. Adonis never fails to make me smile even with the
littlest of his gestures. Tumipa ako ng reply.

Emmanuelle:
Go back to work.

Adonis:
Sungit. I miss you. Gusto ko ng kiss :(

Napahalakhak ako sa kaniyang sinabi. I can already picture out Cho screaming at
Adonis to keep his phone, while the latter only ignores him and goes to the
stairway of the dormitory.

Emmanuelle:
Kapag tapos ka na diyan.

Adonis:
It's been six days, sweetheart. Napapanaginipan na kita. Wanna know what my dream
last night was about?

Ibinaba ko ang pamplantsa ng buhok. I put on my cat-ear hairband before replying to

him.

Emmanuelle:
What?

Adonis:
My birthday and everything that happened in your room.

Humigpit ata ang kapit ko sa cellphone. Nasapo ko na lamang ang noo sa kaniyang
tugon.

Emmanuelle:
Go back to work.

Adonis:
I want a kiss tomorrow. Walang angalan.

I won't last another day without one.

Napailing na lamang ako. I sent him a photo before putting my phone on my clutch
bag. Alam niyang may pupuntahan akong party ngayon ngunit 'di ko na sinabi ang
venue dahil baka sundan niya ako roon.

I settled myself on the backseat of Raven's car. Sunod-sunod ang pagtunog ng aking
phone pagkatapos kong i-send iyong picture.

Adonis:
You're killing me.
Ang ganda-ganda mo. Fuck.
I miss you.
Ugh. Ginayuma mo ata ako.
Can't believe my sweetheart's an angel.
My heart hurts. Such perfection in a photo :(
Miss na miss talaga kita.
I miss my girl. :(

I was grinning from ear to ear while reading his messages. Napataas ang kilay ko
nang may sumunod pang reply.

Adonis:
This is Cho. Kinuha ko ang phone ni Ayeon. Ibabalik ko sa kaniya mamaya. Sorry,
Emma. Ayaw niyang mag-function sa grupo, e.

Umiling na lamang ako at natawa bago ibalik sa clutch bag iyong phone ko. Si Vivian
at Raven ay may parehas na pinag-uusapan at 'di ako makasabay dahil nga okupado ako
sa aking cellphone.

When we reached Crossroads, the loud music made me want to cover my ears and run.
Sabay kami ni Vivian na pumasok sa loob. Marami siyang kakilala kahit na hindi
talaga siya imbitado. Nang pumunta si Lila sa aming pwesto ay nakita ko ang
pagsusungit ng mukha ni Vivian.

"Happy birthday," I greeted. Lila gave me cheek kisses. Si Vivian naman ay

pasimpleng nag-step back para hindi niya kailangang dikitan itong si Lila. My best
friend is such a bitch. I love and hate it at the same time.

"Thank you," she sweetly said. Vivian gave Lila her signature resting bitch face.

"Happy birthday. You're one year closer to your death," aniya at ngumisi. Siniko ko
siya para tigil-tigilan niya ang pagmamaldita niya. Mukha kasing nabigla si Lila sa
ugali nitong isa. Lila's best friend way back highschool was Emmarie, and my twin
and Vivian are the polar opposites. Siguradong hindi siya sanay sa tabas ng dila
nitong kasama ko.

"Her humour is dark," agap ko. Lila awkwardly smiled. Nagmamadali itong umalis sa
aming pwesto. Natawa si Vivian nang mawala na ito sa aming paningin.

"Bitch," she commented. Kumunot ang noo ko sa kaniyang pagtataray.

"Problema mo?" tanong ko. Umiling lamang siya.

Dahil kanina pa ang ilan dito ay maliligalig na sila. Vivian made her way to her
other friends. Ako naman ay prente lang sa may chocolate fountain na wala masyadong
pumapansin.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang may grupo ng lalaking nagbubulungan malapit sa 'kin. I just
didn't mind their presence. Iyong isa ay pasimpleng naglakad palapit kaya naman
pasimple rin sana akong e-exit ngunit naharangan niya ang aking dadaanan. Mabilis
na gumapang ang takot sa aking sistema.

"Hi! Ikaw ba si Emmanuelle?" tanong nito. I stared at him hard, hoping that he'll
get the message that I'm not interested. Bakit ba pakalat-kalat ang mga tarantadong
lalaki ngayon? At bakit ako lagi ang puntirya nila? Napipikon na ako.
"Hindi," mariin kong sagot. Tumaas ang kaniyang kilay.

I took a step back when I saw his eyes. Iba ang pakiramdam ko. I don't think that
this guy's just drunk; I felt like he took something more than alcohol.

"'Yan ata 'yon, p're," sabi ng isa at tinapik ito sa balikat.

He had the same hazy eyes. Rinig na rinig ko na ang malakas na tibok ng aking puso
habang nakikiramdam sa paligid. Are they on drugs?

Diesel's not here. I'm fucked.

Nilingon ako nitong bagong dating. "Ikaw 'yong gusto ni Nicholas, 'di ba?"

Umiling lamang akong muli. Nicholas? Again? I touched the table of deserts na halos
walang pumapansin. There's no knife. Tongs at sandok lamang ang meron dito.
Tangina, aanhin ko 'yan?

He snickered. "Pare, 'yan 'yon. Gawin mo na lang inutos ni Mika. Patay ka do'n 'pag
'di mo nagawa. Psycho ata 'yong girlfriend na 'yon ni Nicholas," aniya at natawa.
Nagtaasan ang aking balahibo nang umalis ito.

"Tara, may pina-reserve akong kwarto.We'll just drink and talk," saad ng lalaking
kanina pa ako ginagambala.

I observed his features. Malapad ang kaniyang pangangatawan at siguradong wala

akong laban. I should just aim for a run. Ngunit, 'pag nahuli niya ako ay mas
mamalasin ako. Kung tatakbo man ako, dapat siguradong makatatakas talaga ako.

"Dito na lang tayo mag-usap," saad ko, tinatago ang kaba. Dahan-dahan itong
ngumisi. Kumuha siya ng mallows at isinahod sa chocolate fountain at kinain.

Did it work? Is he loosening up?

"Kuha lang ako ng drinks," pagsisinungaling ko. Nakaka-isang hakbang pa lamang ako
ay mahigpit na niyang hinawakan ang aking braso.

"Hindi mo ako maloloko. Doon tayo sa kwarto. Naroon ang inumin," wala sa sarili
nitong sabi. I tried to yank off his grip from me.

"Iba na lang siguro. Ayaw kong sa kwarto mag-inom. Dito lang ako," mariin kong
sabi. I yelped when his grip got tighter. Pakiramdam ko'y may balak siyang durugin
ang buto ko roon!

"Tangina ka, e, tatakas ka pa," may bahid ng galit niyang sabi. Bago pa man ako
makasigaw ay tinakpan na niya ang aking bibig. Madilim ang area sa desert bar at
halos walang tao kaya naman walang nakapansin. I tried to get out from his grip but
I was no match to his strength and built. As an attempt to get attention, I kicked
my legs until it hit the table of sweets. Napamura siya nang natumba ko iyon nang
isang sipaan.

"Tangina ka. 'Wag mo na 'kong pahirapan at maliit lang naman ang binayad sa 'kin!"
aniya at kinulong ang aking ulo sa kaniyang mga braso. Halos hindi na ako
makahinga. I yelped in pain when he punched my abdomen.

Dala-dala ang nanghihina kong katawan ay pumasok kami sa rooms gamit ang backdoor.
I tried to keep my eyes open despite the blurring vision. Nilibot ko ang tingin sa
maliit na kusina at kinuha iyong tabla. Hinampas ko iyon sa kaniyang mukha kahit na
hindi sigurado kung saan iyon tatama dahil nasa likuran ko siya.

Nabitiwan ko rin iyon nang suntukin niya muli ang aking tiyan. I felt like throwing
up. Padarag niyang ibinagsak ang tablang hawak at kinaladkad ako papasok sa isang
kwarto. He threw my frail body on the bed quickly.

Pakiramdam ko'y lalabas na ang aking puso sa sobrang kaba. I have never experienced
something like this. Attempts, yes! But nothing this level! Sinapo ko ang aking
tiyan sa sobrang sakit mula sa kaniyang suntok.

Hindi ako makasigaw dahil sa matinding kirot. Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha
nang biglaan niya akong daganan. Pilit niya akong hinaharap sa kaniya ngunit
binabaon ko lamang ang aking mukha sa kutson.

"Tangina, umayos ka!" sigaw nito. Napapitlag ako nang marahas niyang punitin ang
aking blusa kahit nakatalikod ako. He took advantage of my sudden shock and flipped
my body over. Agad kong pinag-ekis ang mga braso sa aking dibdib na pilit niyang
tinatanggal.

"Tulong!" sigaw ko. Nararamdaman ko na ang kaniyang panggagalaiti dahil hindi niya
magawang tanggalin ang brasong humaharang sa 'king dibdib.

Nanghina ako nang tuluyan nang suntukin niya muli ang aking tiyan. I felt like I
wanted to vomit blood. He grabbed my weak limbs and pinned it above my head. Hindi
ako tumigil sa panlalaban kahit na nanghihina at nanlalabo ang paningin dahil sa
pag-iyak.

Malikot ang aking binti at pinipilit na tumadyak. Napapikit ako nang marahas niyang
sampalin ang aking pisngi. Nalasahan ko na ang dugo sa aking labi.

"Tama na.... Ayoko na...." I begged. Napatili ako nang ibaba niya ang aking bra
gamit ang kaniyang ngipin. I heard his demonic laughter.

"Tangina. Sulit din pala binayad ni Mika—"

Hindi niya natapos ang kaniyang sasabihin dahil tumilapon siya sa kabilang panig ng
kwarto. I immediately covered myself with my arms and tried to gather my wrecked
clothing.

"Putangina mo! Papatayin kita!" galit na galit na sigaw ni Raven. Mabilis niyang
hinigit ang katutumba lamang na lalaki at sinuntok sa mukha.

Narinig ko na ang bulungan sa labas, wala na ang malakas na musikang dumadagundong.

Napalitan iyon ng mga yabag na nagmamadali.

"Gago ka!" sigaw ni Raven at tinadyakan ang lalaking nakahandusay na sa sahig.

Mabigat ang paghinga ng aking kaibigan. He mercilessly stepped on the guy's chest.
Natauhan lamang ako nang makita ang dugong bumulwak mula sa labi nito.

"Raven! Tama na!" awat ko ngunit siya'y tila bingi sa sariling galit. He crouched
and punched the guy's face once more. Napapikit ako sa pagtalsik ng dugo sa malinis
na tiles.

"Kuya!" tili ni Vivian mula sa labas. Kasama na niya ngayon ang ilang tauhan ng
Crossroads na humigit kay Raven palayo. Nakita ko ang maraming taong nakaabang sa
labas. I covered myself up with a pillow.

May isang lalaking pumasok. Seryoso lamang ang kaniyang mata at dumiretso sa akin.
He removed his leather jacket and draped it on my body. Umupo siya sa aking tapat
at tinitigan ako.

"Does Kuya know you're here?" tanong ni Ajax. Umiling ako. Hinigpitan ko ang kapit
sa kaniyang jacket nang dumami ang nakiusyoso.

"Layas! Lumayas kayo!"Vivian's voice boomed as if she was using a megaphone. I saw
the people half-heartedly going away. Ang ilang staffs ng Crossroads ay inilabas na
iyong lalaking mukhang nawalan na ng malay. They also dragged Raven with them.
Bahagya akong kinabahan dahil baka mahirapan si Raven na lusutan ito.

Vivian slammed the door shut before going to my direction. Izinipper niya ang
jacket ni Ajax at pinalis ang mga luha ko. Inalis niya ang mga nakakalat na buhok
sa aking pisngi.

"Did he penetrate, Emma?" mariin niyang tanong. Umiling ako. I heard her sighing
out of relief before pulling me to a hug.

Nilingon ko si Ajax na madilim ang tingin sa akin. Nagtangis ang kaniyang panga at
dinukot ang kaniyang cellphone mula sa bulsa.

"S-Sinong tatawagan mo?" tanong ko. Dis-oras na ng gabi ngunit sigurado akong kapag
sinabi niya ito kay Adonis ay didiretso iyon dito nang walang pagdadalawang-isip

"Mom," saad nito. "My Mom is a lawyer. You might need her to deal with this.
Sigurado akong diretso sa ospital iyong lalaki. Your friend was determined to kill
him."

Tumango ako. Ajax' jacket was big enough to cover me up. Mayamaya lamang ay may
dumating na staff na nag-check sa akin. Aside from cuts and bruises on my lips, the
emotional trauma lingered.

Dumiretso kami sa police station. I wanted to go home but Vivian was persistent. Si
Ajax ang naghatid sa 'min at hindi na rin kami iniwan doon.

Patigil-tigil ako habang nagsasalaysay ng mga nangyari. I'm still thinking twice
whether to file a case or not. It's almost December. Pauwi na sina Dad. Ayokong ito
ang bubungad sa kanila pagdating nila dito.

Mayamaya lamang ay dumating ang ina ni Ajax. Naka-simpleng damit lamang ito na tila
galing pa sa pagkakatulog. I felt guilty for making her come here in this hour.
Lagpas na ito sa oras ng trabaho niya.

Ajax inherited her mother's vampire aura. Ramdam ko pa rin ang kaniyang pagiging
abogado kahit na simple lamang ang kaniyang suot.

She sat in front of me, hinahagilap ang aking mga pagod na tingin. She sighed when
she saw the bruise on my lip.

"I'm Atty. Josephine Nuevo-Revillanes...and I'm here to guide you, okay?" marahan
niyang sabi. Ajax stood behind her mother's chair.

Siya ang nakipag-usap sa pulis. Ang isip ko ay na kay Raven lamang. Paano kung
natuluyan niya iyong lalaki?

"What's the name of your friend?" tanong ni Atty. Josephine habang may sinusulat.

"Rachmiel Vernon Marcellana," sagot ko. Tumango-tango siya. Naramdaman ko ang kapit
sa 'kin ni Vivian na kinakabahan din para sa kaniyang kapatid.
After a series of questions and signing papers, they finally let me go. I told her
that I don't need to get the guy jailed,; I just want Raven out of the trouble.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang kaniyang pinlano, but she assured me that I won't go
over hearings and court sessions. Atty. Josephine said that she'll take care of
everything, pati na kay Raven.

Nasa backseat kami ni Vivian dahil ang ina ni Ajax ay nasa unahan. Atty. Josephine
was looking at her files while typing on her phone.

"Emmanuelle Vesper SalvadorGorotizca," she read. Nilingon niya ako sa rearview

mirror. "Do you have a sister?"

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. It's weird that she asked about Emmarie and not about
Dad. Nilingon niya si Ajax, ngayon ay may nanunuyang ngiti. What?

"You really called me over because of a girl, Ajax? You've grown up.... At least
you have taste," she trailed. Kumunot ang aking noo. Nilingon ko si Ajax sa
salamin. Nakita ko ang pag-iling nito sa sarili.

"Your cousins will be proud of you...especially Ayeon," pang-aasar ng ina sa

kaniya. Nilingon niya akong muli.

"Finally, hindi ka na single! Ikaw na lang ang hinihintay na magka-girlfriend sa

inyo!" aniya at humalakhak.

"Ma!" mariing sabi ni Ajax sa ina. His mother only raised her brow at him. Ajax
hissed.

"She's Kuya Ayeon's girlfriend,"dire-diretsong sabi nito.

Nabigla ako sa biglaang paghalakhak ng kaniyang ina. Marahan niyang hinampas ang
braso ng anak.

"Magsisinungaling ka na nga lang, palpak pa. You're the only who does not have a
girlfriend among your cousins, Jax."

What?

☽☾

Chapter 25

Someone asked me how to pronounce Ajax. It's Ey-jacks (Greek-based), not Ah-yacks
('yung sa Java Script haha), and not Ah-jacks neither.

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti23
chapter twenty-three

SABI NA'T HINDI kakayanin ni Ajax na hindi magsabi kay Adonis. Turns out, he was at
the party because of me. Adonis asked him to watch over me for the night.

Pagkarating na pagkarating sa may apartment ay nasapo ko ang aking noo nang

mapansin ang pamilyar na sasakyan ni Adonis sa labas. Tiningnan ko nang masama si
Ajax ngunit mukhang wala naman siyang pakialam dahil wala na rin akong magagawa.

Ilang lote na lamang ang layo namin ay napansin kong binaba ni Atty. Josephine ang
bintana sa kaniyang banda. She craned her neck as if trying to figure out who's the
guy who kept on pacing back and forth in front of my apartment.

"Isn't that Ayeon?" tanong niya at tinapik si Ajax sa braso. I saw how Ajax
abruptly gave me a look before he looked at his mother.

"Yes, Ma, may ginagawang project," sagot ni Ajax. Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa kaniya
ngunit agad siyang umiwas.

"Really? Bakit siya nasa labas?"

I saw howVivian threw me a questioning look. Tila may kung anong malamig na
humahaplos sa aking loob at masama ang pakiramdam ko. Atty. Josephine thought I was
Ajax' girlfriend. Hindi ako mapakali na ang alam niya e may girlfriend si
Adonis...na hindi ako.

Probably...an ex? Naipakilala na siguro niya ang ex niya at hindi niya nasabi na
hiwalay na sila? Is that it? I don't even know if he has an ex-girlfriend.

I chewed on my lower lip with the rushing negative thoughts inside my head. Kanina
ko pa sinusubukang hindi gawing big deal iyong narinig ko kanina. Nakaharap ko na
ang ina ni Adonis at wala naman siyang sinabi. Maybe, it's really an unresolved ex-
girlfriend problem. I shouldn't be worried too much.

"Don't mind him, Ma," saad ni Ajax, bahagyang may halong iritasyon at tumigil sa
tapat ng kapitbahay.

"Salamat," I whispered to Ajax. Tinanguan niya naman ako bago buksan ang sasakyan.
He rolled down his windows and the night breeze blew. I gave Atty. Josephine a
small smile, na ibinalik naman niya. Nadako ang tingin niya sa lalaki sa labas.
Iimik pa sana ito ngunit inarangkada na ni Ajax ang sasakyan.

Sinabayan ako ni Vivian. Hinayaan niya naman ako nang lapitan ko muna si Adonis na
nasa tapat. She rolled her eyes, though. She really hates it when she plays third
wheel.

Nakita ko kung paano nagdilim ang pagtingin ni Adonis nang madako sa sugatan kong
labi ang kaniyang mga mata. Mabilis siyang humakbang palapit at marahan akong
hinigit papunta sa kaniya. His jaw clenched as he fixed my hair. Mabigat ang
kaniyang paghinga habang hindi inaalis ang tingin sa mga galos ko sa mukha.

"What's his name?" tanong niya. His voice was deep as his eyes scanned my entirety.
I felt like he wanted to remove Ajax' jacket just to see if I have more bruises.

"I don't know," mahina kong sagot. He inhaled sharply, tila nagpipigil ng kung ano.
Ang kaniyang daliri ay tinahak ang daan papunta sa galos sa aking mukha, hanggang
sa putok na labi.

"Fuck it, sweetheart. Why did you have to experience this?" tila nahihirapan niyang
tanong. Pakiramdam ko'y kahit anong segundo ay maiiyak ako sa kaniyang tono.

"Saan pa may masakit?" marahan niyang tanong at hinagip ang aking mga pulsuhan. He
hiked up the sleeves of Ajax' jacket and checked my arm. Napansin ko ang
pagngitngit ng kaniyang ngipin habang kinakapa ang namumulang parte ng aking braso
dahil sa mahigpit na pagkapit sa akin kanina.

"Where's the guy?" tanong niya, mariin naman ngayon. He let go of my arms and held
me by the waist. His eyes looked like they wanted to burn the leather material of
his cousin's jacket.
"Hospital. Kuya did his job well, don't worry. He's probably in the ICU. Kuya's
Muay Thai skills are no joke."

Napalingon kami sa nagsalita. Pinaiikot ni Vivian ang susi sa apartment ko sa

kaniyang daliri. She sighed.

"Sa loob na kayo mag-usap. Malamig at malamok dito," aniya at tinalikuran kami para
buksan iyong gate.

Nilingon ko si Adonis. He looked cold and dangerous, but tired at the same time.
Naalala kong may ginagawa pa nga pala silang project o paper ata, hindi ako
sigurado. Siguro'y nagpaalam muna siya ulit kay Cho na aalis.

I sat on my bed. Si Vivian ay nagpapakulo ng tubig. Ngayon ay gusto ko na lamang

matulog at magpahinga dahil sa sakit ng katawan. God, I never thought my body could
experience this amount of pain.

Sumunod naman si Adonis. He sat on his knees in front of me. Hindi pa rin nawawala
ang galit sa kaniyang mata.

"You don't want to go to the hospital? We can get you checked," suhestiyon niya.
Umiling ako. Gusto ko na lang uminom ng gatas at matulog. Tangina. Ang lakas ng
suntok sa 'kin ng lalaking 'yon. Pakiramdam ko'y nakabaon pa rin ang kamao niya sa
'king tiyan.

I let my finger run over his stubbles. Napapikit siya sa aking marahang paghaplos.
His arm rested beside my thighs. Bahagya siyang tumungo habang mabigat ang
paghinga. Inilipat ko ang aking kamay sa kaniyang buhok upang pakalmahin siya.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there...." nabasag ang kaniyang boses. Nang iangat ang kaniyang
mukha ay napansin ko ang luhang nagbabadyang tumakas sa kaniyang mata. Umiling
lamang ako. He does not need to be sorry. It's not his fault that someone tried to
molest me.

"Tangina," marahan niyang mura. I flinched when his fist slammed harshly against
the foam of my bed.

"What if Raven wasn't there? Ano na sana ang nangyari sa 'yo?" tanong niya sa
garalgal na boses. My hands carefully wrapped his face. Pinalis ko ang luhang
tumakas sa kaniyang mata. He pinched the bridge of his nose and looked away,
crying.

"Does it matter? He was there. I was lucky. 'Wag mo nang isipin iyong hindi na
mangyayari," saad ko. He bit his lip as he silently cried.

This isn't the first time I've seen Adonis cry, but it still looked as
heartbreaking as before. Hindi ako tumigil sa pagpalis sa kaniyang luha. He rested
his head on my lap as his shoulders shook.

"I would have never forgiven myself if something bad happened to you," bulong niya.
Hinawakan niya ang aking kamay na nasa kaniyang pisngi.

Maligamgam ang kaniyang mga palad, salungat sa lamig ng nag-aagaw na umaga at gabi.
Napangiti ako nang bahagya roon.

Dinala niya ang aking kamay sa kaniyang labi. He kissed the back of my palms. His
eyes were bloodshot as he looked at me with so much pain. His eyes always convey
the purest emotions, raw and unadulterated. He looks at me in pain as if he's
feeling what I feel, like he wants me to share it with him.
"Are you sure you're not injured?" tanong niya. "Saan masakit, Emmanuelle? Sabihin
mo."

I slowly pulled down the zipper of Ajax' jacket. Narinig ko ang kaniyang pagmumura
nang mamataan ang sira-sira kong pang-itaas. My fingers hastily touched the part
where I got punched the most. Napapikit ako nang bahagya sa sakit na rumehistro
kahit sa marahang haplos lamang.

"Masakit? What did he do?" Adonis asked. Nararamdaman ko ang pagpipigil niya sa
kaniyang galit. Umiling lamang ako, hindi na makayanang magsalaysay muli ng mga
pangyayari. His eyes wandered to my upper abdomen. He threw his head back and
clenched his jaw.

"You're bruised, Emmanuelle," nahihirapan niyang tinig. Umiwas ako ng tingin nang
manumbalik ang pakiramdam ng mga naranasan kanina. I felt myself slightly trembling
with the sudden flashbacks.

He zipped upAjax' jacket. He stood up and carefully held me in his arms. He cupped
my cheeks and planted a kiss on my forehead. I closed my eyes in the comfort of his
touch.

"From now on, I'll take care of you more. I can't let this happen again," bulong
niya. I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face on his abdomen. He ran
his fingers on my tresses as he sighed heavily.

"I missed you," mahina kong sabi. Adonis hummed. Inalis niya ang kapit ko sa
kaniyang bewang at lumuhod muli sa aking harapan.

"Probably not as much as I missed you," aniya at bahagyang umangat ang gilid ng
labi. His right hand caressed my cheek. He slightly stood up and kissed my forehead
again.

He let out a sigh.

"I love you," he whispered.

Tila tambol ang aking puso sa lakas ng tibok nito sa loob. I gripped on the hem of
his shirt as I tried to control my breathing. Napangiti siya nang makita iyon.
Hinagip niya ang kamay kong nakakapit sa kaniyang damit at muling lumuhod sa aking
harapan. He kissed the back of my palm.

"I love you, Emmanuelle," pag-uulit niya. My heart felt heavy with his sincere
words and drowsy eyes.

"You don't have to say it back," aniya at marahang ngumiti.

I wanted to say it back, but I was too overwhelmed to hear it from him. Parang
gusto ko na lang siyang yakapin at hindi na bitiwan kailanman.

Napalingon kaming pareho sa may pinto nang may kumatok, probably my best friend.
Adonis opened the door for Vivian. Bumungad sa 'kin si Vivian na mukhang iiyak na
habang hawak ang telepono. She sat beside me and covered her face with both her
palms, elbows resting on her knees pressed together. Narinig ko ang mahina niyang
paghagulgol.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Adonis. I caressed Vivian's back. "Anong nangyari?" maingat

kong tanong.
Pinalis niya ang luha. She closed her eyes as if she's still stabilizing her
breathing. Sinenyasan ko si Adonis na buksan iyong electric fan. Lagi kasing
kinakapos si Vivian sa hangin tuwing umiiyak siya. Sometimes when it gets worse,
she hyperventilates. Minsa'y nahihimatay pa siya.

"Kuya's in trouble," panimula niya. "Nasa critical condition daw iyong lalaki. He's
got broken ribs and shoulders. He's literally fighting for his life in the ICU at
the moment. Si Kuya ay hinold sa police station dahil may balak daw na magsampa ng
kaso iyong pamilya ng lalaki."

I couldn't help but gasp. Adonis was just silently listening while shaking his head
in disbelief.

"It's going to ruin Kuya's records, if ever. He's on his last year of his pre-law.
Makakaapekto iyon, panigurado," ani Vivian sa nanginginig na boses. I sighed.
Technically, the guy still has the rights to file a complaint against Raven.

"I-I'll fix this...."

Parehas kami ni Vivian na napalingon kay Adonis. He was staring into space when he
said that. Nilingon niya kami.

"I'll talk to Aunt Jo; she can do something. They'll probably drop the charges
if..." He closed his eyes shut for a moment, "...if Emma won't file a case against
the guy, too," aniya.

"Still! It's attempted rape! Dapat makulong 'yon! What Kuya did was for defense!"
Vivian exclaimed. I hate to admit that Adonis has a point. Sa totoo lang, nung una
ay wala naman akong pakialam kung makulong iyong lalaki o hindi, but the thought of
him doing the same thing to other girls makes me think twice.

But, again, there's Raven. Si Raven na sumalba sa akin. Siya naman ang mapapahamak
kung sakali. Baka mahirapan na rin siyang matanggap sa mga university kung sakali
mang magka-record siya. And he's on his second sem of his last year in pre-law!
Kritikal na oras ito para sa kaniya.

Adonis sighed. "I want the guy jailed, too. He..." Nakikita ko ang pag-usbong muli
ng galit kay Adonis. Bumuntong-hininga siya upang pakalmahin ang sarili. "He
touched Emmanuelle. He hurt her,"pagdiriin niya.

"But that means gambling with your brother. Hindi tayo sigurado kung makakaalpas
ang kapatid mo sa kasong 'yan. Your brother saved Emmanuelle. If it wasn't for
him..." Adonis didn't bother to finish his sentence.

Vivian looked at me. Tumango lamang ako sa kaniya. I don't mind sacrificing this
one for her brother.

Adonis left the room with his phone on his ear, probably calling his aunt. Napahiga
si Vivian sa kama habang umiiyak pa rin. Like any other siblings, they were in a
love-hate relationship. Panay ang pang-aasar ni Raven sa kapatid, vice versa. But
still, they're siblings. Deep inside, they protect each orher.

"Natawagan mo na ba si Diesel?" tanong ko. The Villaecijas also have their own set
of lawyers and connections. Isa pa, kaibigan ni Diesel si Raven kaya imposibleng
hindi nito gawan ng paraan ang ganitong pangyayari.

"He told me not to panic, pero..." Hindi na natapos ni Vivian ang sasabihin. Humiga
ako sa kaniyang tabi. Antok na antok at pagod na pagod na ako. Sobrang dami ng
nangyari ngayong araw.
"Ivanilla Anais," tawag ko sa buo niyang pangalan. She pouted and gave me a look.

"Emma naman e," saway niya dahil ayaw niya sa buo niyang pangalan, parehas sila ni
Diesel.

"Raven will be fine," I said. Natigilan siya at bumuntong-hininga. She closed her
eyes and nodded.

MAYAMAYA LAMANG AY nakatulog na siya. I looked at her sleeping figure with

amusement. Naunahan niya pa ako.

Kinapa ko ang sarili. I winced as I touched the areas that hurt the most. Nilingon
ko ang wall clock at nakitang mag-aala una na.

I stood up to check on Adonis. Dito na matutulog si Vivian dahil imposibleng

makauwi pa siya nang ganitong oras. I'm scared that something similar to what
happened to me will happen to her on her way home. This world is really unsafe,
huh?

Namataan ko si Adonis na kapapasok pa lamang. He put his phone in his pocket and
went to me. Naiwan ni Vivian ang tinimplahan niyang dalawang tasa ng gatas. Ang
babaeng 'yon talaga.

Adonis leaned his frame on the kitchen counter, standing just behind me. "You
should rest...." aniya. Inabot ko sa kaniya iyong isang mug.

"Milk?" taka niyang tanong. I nodded. Napataas ang kilay ko nang tunggain niya iyon
nang isang diretsahan at nilapag sa counter ang tasa. Sumimsim ako sa akin. Ang
init kaya!

"Pagka-ubos mo, matulog ka na. Aalis lang ako kapag tulog ka na," saad niya. I
turned to face him and he rested his other hand on my side, still leaning on the
counter and caging me in his arms.

"Uuwi ka?" tanong ko. Tumango naman siya. Napasimangot ako.

"Doon ka na lang sa dorm ni Cho. Inaantok ka na rin, baka mapa'no ka pa sa daan."

The corner of his lips slightly rose upwards with my comment. He always give me
that look whenever I say something concerning his safety. Hindi ko alam kung
natutuwa ba siyang marinig iyon sa 'kin o ano.

"I have to go home so I can talk to Aunt Jo," aniya.

"Bukas na," pagpupumilit ko. "Mamaya pala. Sabado na rin naman, madaling araw na."

He leaned to kiss my temples. The scent of milk and his perfume mixed in the air.
Ang palad ko ay maligamgam dahil sa iniinom, ang kaniyang mainit na hininga ay sa
aking pisngi tumatama. To be held like this in his arms is enough to comfort my
tired, tired soul.

"Okay. Masusunod po, Ma'am," aniya at bahagyang natawa. Mayamaya ay napabuntong

hininga muli siya.

"Na-miss talaga kita. Tapos,ito ang bubungad sa 'kin," mahina niyang sabi. He
tucked the stray hair on my face behind my ear.

"I think you need security. Want me to ask my Dad to give you bodyguards?"
Agad akong umiling sa kaniyang sinabi. That's too much. Hindi naman ako habulin ng
mga mamamatay-tao.

"Matulog ka na," he whispered and kissed my forehead, again. If his favourite thing
that I do to him is me caressing his face, ako naman ay ito. His random forehead
kisses makes me feel warm inside.

Dumiretso na ako sa aking kwarto. Adonis closed my bedroom door. Tumabi na ako kay
Vivian dahil sigurado akong ikakandado naman ni Adonis nang maigi ang gate.

I sighed internally while looking at my ceiling. Mahinang humahagok si Vivian na

tulog na tulog na. I want to sleep, too. Sa sandaling ipinipikit ko ang aking mata
ay maaalala ko lang iyong nangyari kanina. I hugged myself in a fetal position.

These problems are just temporary. This will all end—in time, and with patience. I
just need to be strong for myself. I have people with me. I can do this.

BANDANG ALA UNAng hapon ako nagising. Vivian was still sleeping soundly beside me.
Maingat akong bumangon upang hindi siya magising.

Ang una kong inasikaso ay ang paliligo. I felt sweaty and disgusting. Lalo ko
lamang naramdaman ang sakit ng katawan ko ngayon. I tried to ease my muscles with
warm wtaer.

Napapalatak na lamang ako nang makita ang galos sa aking mukha. I have cuts near my
cheeks, and a wound on my lip because of his harsh slaps. Napangiwi ako nang dumugo
muli ang bangasnang hawakan ko.

Nang magising si Vivian ay cellphone agad ang kaharap niya dahil kinakausap niya
ang kaniyang magulang. Hanggang banyo kahit na naliligo siya ay dala niya iyon. I
let her borrow my clothes since we're almost the same size, it's just that her
curves are more defined than mine. My friends have their clothes here, nakatago sa
isang lalagyan sa ilalim ng kama dahil minsa'y may panahong ganito. But, I can't
let Vivian wear her dresses at this time.

Hinawi ko ang kurtina nang makarinig ng pamilyar na busina. Nakita ko ang kotse ni
Adonis na kapaparada lang sa tapat. I stood up and grabbed Ajax' jacket to cover up
my legs. Sa likod ko iyon tinali para matakluban ang harapang hita ko. 'Di bale na
kung mukhang jologs tingnan! Kailangan ko lang talaga takluban angiilang pasa roon.
Mag-aalala na naman kasi itong isa. Kitang-kita pa naman sa hita ko.

Naguguluhang nakatingin si Adonis sa aking suot. Kunot-noo niyang sinisipat ako

mula ulo hanggang paa. Tumaas ang kilay niya sa jacket ni Ajax na nakabalot sa
aking bewang.

"Good morning. I brought breakfast for you and Vivian," bati niya, napapatingin pa
rin sa suot ko. Inignora ko na lamang iyon at nginitian siya. I can't help but
sniff him when he entered. Amoy kape kasi siya at pabango.

Vivian was already done when we entered. Inilapag ko iyong pancakes at hash brown
na binili ni Adonis. Agad na nilantakan ni Vivian iyon. Gusto ko na ngang ibigay sa
kaniya iyong akin dahil mukhang gutom na gutom pa siya.

"This is why I approve of you. Diesel can fucking choke," saad ni Vivian habang
kinakain iyong hash brown. Kumunot ang noo ni Adonis at nilingon ako para sa
paliwanag. I only looked at Vivian to pass it to her.

She licked her greasy fingers. "Diego Anselmo hates you to the core. Ako ang
kakampi mo sa tropahan namin. Adira and Raven are both just playing it safe," aniya
at umirap. Napatawa ako sa kaniya. Madali talagang bilhin si Vivian, lalo na kung
pagkain ang gagamitin mo sa kaniya.

Napansin ko ang saglit na pagseseryoso ni Adonis ngunit agad din siyang ngumiti.
Sandali akong natigilan sa pagkain dahil naalala ko 'yung sinabi ni Diesel dati.

I should get rid of that thought. Adonis isn't that type of guy. He loves me.
That's what he said, and that's what he makes me feel—loved, and that's what I have
always wanted.

"You need to go to Aunt Jo's office to talk about the case," saad ni Adonis
pagkaalis ni Vivian para magtapon ng pinagkainan.

"Ngayon na?" tanong ko. He nodded.

"You weren't answering your phone so I just went here straight."

Tumango ako at pinuntahan si Vivian para ipaliwanag iyon. Saglit na natigilan si

Vivian sa sandaling binanggit ko iyon, marahil ay naalala ang kapatid.

"Sige. Bababa na lang ako sa may stoplight. Magpapasundo ako kay Dad," aniya.

After dropping off Vivian, we went to Atty. Josephine's office. Adonis was holding
my hand, hanggang sa makarating kami sa loob. Nilibot ko ang tingin sa paligid.
Well-lit and wide, as expected. May iilang mga mahabang couches, monitors, lamesa
at mga printer. There are also piles of documents tied with a rope placed on the
corner of the office.

"Walang Saturday sa office days ng Tita mo," saad ko nang mabasa iyong nakalagay sa
pader.

"It doesn't matter. Ikaw lang ang aasikasuhin ngayon. It's her work. Trust me,
she's very much devoted in her field that she doesn't mind at all."

Two floors ang opisina ni Atty. Josephine. Pagkarating namin sa taas ay parang
gusto ko na lang bumaba ulit nang makita ang ina ni Adonis na kausap si Attorney.
Mukhang naramdaman ni Adonis iyon dahil nahigit ko nang bahagya ang kamay niyang
nakahawak sa 'kin paatras.

Napalingon din ako sa isa pang lalaking nakahalukipkip at seryoso lamang na

nakatingin sa painting na nakasabit sa opisina ni Atty. Josephine. Lalo akong
nanlamig nang mapagtantong parang pinagbiyak na buko sila ni Adonis.

Oh, God. Even Vivian would drool over Adonis' father! He looked like a rougher
version of Adonis with all those dark facial hair. Mas moreno lang ito kumpara sa
kaniya. Mistulang binaligtad ang sikmura ko nang magtama ang aming mata.

"Andito na pala sila," saad nito at umayos ng tayo. Adonis' mother gave me a small
smile. I tried to smile back. Magkatabi kaming naupo ni Adonis sa tapat nito.
Nailang tuloy ako at binitiwan ang kamay niya. He abruptly turned his neck to look
at me and raised his brow. Umiling ako at pinanlakihan siya ng mata. Nasa likod pa
namin iyong tatay niya!

Pinatas ni Atty. Josephine ang mga dokumentong hawak. The sound of paper hitting
the glass surface of her desk made me look at her.

"Good morning, Emmanuelle," bati niya. I muttered a low greeting. Fuck. Feeling ko
ata ay mauubusan ako ng hininga. Why do they have to corner me like this? Tangina.
Ang hirap atanghuminga.

"Tinawagan ako ni Ayeon kagabi tungkol kay Marcellana. Ang itatanong ko lang naman
sa'yo ay kung papayag ka na i-drop ang kaso."

I nodded without blinking. Agad-agad. Kung sakali mang mamatay iyong lalaking 'yon
sa ICU, bahala na siya sa buhay niya kahit na mas gugustuhin kong magdusa siya sa
mas mahirap na paraan. Ang mahalaga rito ay malinis ang pangalan ni Raven.

"Wow. That was fast. Akala ko ay pag-iisipan mo pa," natatawa nitong saad.

She clasped her fingers together and rested her chin on her hands. "I pulled some
strings. I'll be honest with you, I did this thing dirty...but still, kinda fair.
Rapists do not deserve anything good in this world." Mahina niya lamang na sinabi
iyong huling parte.

"Napagkasunduan nga na ibabagsak mo ang kaso para hindi na rin nila pakialaman si
Marcellana. Pero, ang gusto nila, sagutin ni Marcellana ang kalahati ng hospital
bills. Marcellana has his own lawyer now so I'm not sure about the details
anymore."

Tumango ako dahil wala naman akong ibang sasabihin. Atty. Josephine looked at
Adonis' mother. Tumikhim ito kaya naman sa kaniya ako napapaling.

"We had to inform Valentin. I'm sorry if we didn't tell you," marahan nitong sabi,
still soft-spoken.

Pinigilan ko ang sariling umangal. Napaawang ang aking labi sa paghahagilap ng

salita na itutugon sa pagkabigla. Adonis sighed and grabbed my hand. Hindi niya
pinansin ang pagsulyap ng kaniyang ina sa aming magkasiklop na kamay.

Adonis' father sat beside his Mom. Diretso ang tingin niya sa akin.

"We can't just let Josephine handle this and leave your father clueless. Magagalit
sa amin si Valentin kapag nalaman niyang sinikreto 'to sa kaniya," saad nito.
Nagtaasan ata ang balahibo ko sa lalim ng kaniyang boses.

Pasimple itong tumingin sa kamay namin ni Adonis ngunit mabilis na inangat ang
tingin. "Sana ay hindi sumama ang loob mo."

Umiling ako, kahit na marami talaga akong angal dahil wala naman akong balak
ipaalam kay Dad ito. Adonis sighed again. Nakita ko ang saglit na pagsusukatan
nilang mag-ama ng tingin. It's like Adonis was looking at his reflection in the
near future.

"Ayaw naming sirain ang ugnayan ng pamilya namin sa inyo," pahabol ng kaniyang ama
ngunit ang malalim na tingin ay na kay Adonis lamang. Adonis looked away and pulled
me to stand.

"Tapos na po ba? She needs to rest more," ani Adonis. Atty. Josephine nodded and
smiled, but I can sense that it was an awkward smile. Naguguluhan ang kaniyang mga
matang nakatingin sa kamay namin ni Adonis.

Right. She thinks I'm Ajax' girlfriend. Damn, I hope Adonis' Mom told her the truth
to clear things up. Baka akusahan pa akong pinagpapasahan ng mga anak nila.

Nang makarating kami sa sasakyan ay tumunog ang aking cellphone. I made myself
comfortable on the shotgun seat and fixed my seatbelt before checking my phone.
Kumunot ang noo ko dahil overseas call na naman iyon. Emmarie never learns, huh?
Talaga namang gusto niya pang mapagastos.

Adonis' hand rested on my thigh after a gear-shift. Nilingon ko siya at

pinaningkitan ng mata ngunit nginisian niya lamang ako.

"Hello?"bungad ko.

Walang nagsalita. Nilingon ko ang phone at on-going pa naman ang tawag.

"Anak..."

Pakiramdam ko'y tumigil ang mundo ko nang marinig ang pamilyar na boses ng aking
ama. Hindi ako nakaimik agad dahil hindi pa ako nakakabawi sa pagkabigla.

Is this really him? He's really talking to me? After three long years, my father
finally talked to me! I must be dreaming.

"Uuwi na kami sa susunod na linggo. Ayos ka lang ba? N-Nasabi sa 'kin ni Harriet
'yung nangyari sa'yo...."

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sariling luha. I covered my mouth with my palms as I

cried silently. Hindi ko na maalala kung kailan kami nagkaroon ng simple at normal
na usapan ni Dad. Hindi ko na rin maalala kung tungkol saan iyon.

All my life, I felt like he didn't like me. He never abandoned his responsibility
as a father, but I just felt like we weren'tconnected.

"What's wrong?" agad na tanong ni Adonis at ipaparada sana sa gilid ang sasakyan
ngunit inilingan ko siya. I saw the panic in his eyes. I only nodded at him to
assure him that I'm okay.

"M-May inaayos pa raw po kayo sa trabaho a," sagot ko. I leaned my hand on the
dashboard and looked down. Nag-uunahan ang luha ko sa pagpatak, binabasa ang
pantalong suot.

"Emmanuelle, it doesn't matter. Hindi ako naging maayos na ama sa'yo." His voice
cracked. I tried so hard to keep my crying silent.

"Hayaan mo naman akong magpaka-ama kahit ngayon lang."

Tuluyan ko nang nabitiwan ang aking cellphone at lumagapak iyon sa sahig ng

sasakyan ni Adonis. I covered my face with both my palms as my tears continued to
flow like streams. Narinig ko ang pagmumura ni Adonis at ang pagtigil ng sasakyan.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" maingat niyang tanong. I felt him tugging my arms.
Hinayaan ko siyang maalis iyon sa pagkakaharang sa 'king mukha at agad niyang
kinwadro ang aking mukha.

Lalo lamang akong naiyak nang makita si Adonis. When I said that everything is
falling into place when I met him, it was a miracle for it was true.

Naguguluhan ang kaniyang mga matang nakatingin sa akin. Nasa akin ang kaniyang
buong atensyon—nagtatanong, nangangapa.

I wrapped my arms on his nape. I felt him adjusting on his seat to hug me.

"Shhh," pagpapatahan niya. I wrapped my arms around his nape tighter.

"I love you," I said.

I meant every word.

Naramdaman ko ang saglit na pagtigil niya sa pagtapik sa aking likod. I felt him
sighing deeply.

"I love you more, Emmanuelle. In case the universe takes you away from me, if the
world isn't on our side, if the heavens turn their backs on us, remember that I
love you...more than you'll ever do."

My heart melted. Our heartbeats matched. His words slowly sunk into the depths of
me. At that moment, we were breathing romance.

But it didn't last.

☽☾

Chapter 26

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti24
chapter twenty-four

THE SKY WAS a muted shade of dark blue. Darker clouds occupied the vast space, and
the sun was almost out of sight. The satisfying sound of drizzle—rainwater against
the sturdy material of my windows—caused John Lennon's voice coming from an old
phonograph to sound muffled. Even if I'm inside the comfort of my apartment, I can
hear the whispering winds as the atmosphere became gloomier.

The drizzle transitioned into a fine downpour. Mist started to form outside,
blocking my view of the gate. I pulled the sheets draped over my body closer to my
flesh and sighed.

My hand is cold against the doorknob as I pulled open the door. The sheets seemed
useless as the numbing breeze enveloped my already ice-cold flesh.

Naupo ako sa entrada ng apartment habang hinihintaysi Adonis. Classes were

postponed today due to the bad weather conditions. Napasimangot ako nang makita ang
ilang halamang alaga ko na nalunod na dahil sa lakas ng ulan.

Niyakap ko ang sarili sa ilalim ng kumot na bumabalot sa aking katawan. Naka-

longsleeves na ako at pajama ngunit tagos na tagos pa rin ang lamig, lalo na rito
sa labas. I wanted to sleep but Adonis came here early. He just went out to buy
breakfast but he hasn't come back, yet. It's been thirty minutes. Malapit lang
naman ang bilihan ng pagkain.

I just hope he did not got stranded somewhere. Mataas na ata ang lebel ng tubig sa
ibang parte ng siyudad. He's not answering his phone, too.

Sandali akong napangiti nang maalala ang pagtulog ni Adonis dito sa labas. That boy
and his ridiculous stunts. I wonder how it felt for him. Paano kaya siya natulog
dito? Wala naman siyang unan kahit neck pillow lang. Nahiga ba siya sa sahig o
nakaupo lang?

Napapikit ako nang lumakas muli ang hangin. I hugged my knees as I waited more.
Hindi ako mapakali. Hindi ko naman makikita agad sa loob kung nakarating na siya
dahil lumabo na ang salamin ng bintana dahil sa kauulan.
On the other note, ang kaso ni Raven ay naayos na. I'm pretty sure Diesel's family
pulled some strings for that. Katumbas non ay ang pag-cancel ng pag-file ng kaso
doon sa lalaki. Sabi ay nautusan lang daw 'to ng tinatawag niyang Mika, girlfriend
ni Nicholas. Mabuti nga't naayos na iyon dahil dagdag lamang iyon sa iintindihin ko
kung nagkataon.

Does love really change people? Hindi ko mawari kung ano ang sumagi sa utak ni Mika
at nagawa niya iyon. Was it jealousy? But that move was overboard and desperate
just for that. Obsession? Hindi ko alam kung paano niya nagawang hilingin na may
gumawa sa akin ng ganoon. Hindi niya ba naisip ang mararamdaman ko? Hindi niya ba
naisip na baka si Nicholas ang puno't dulo nitong lahat? Bakit hindi si Nicholas
ang pinagbuntunan niya? Bakit ako? Hindi niya ba naisip na paano kung sa kanya
naman iyon nangyari? What kind of sick and twisted thinking did she have when she
made that decision?

Nakarating sa head ng university ang issue. Hindi ko alam kung anong sanction ang
ipinataw nila kay Mika. Sa totoo lang ay wala na akong lakas para magalit pa sa
kaniya at awayin siya. Kung meron man akong nararamdaman, siguro'y pagtataka na
lang. Why did she choose to go that low just because of jealousy? Nag-iisip ba
siya?

In the end, the things she did for love ruined her. At least, she got her karma
already. Sana naman ay magtanda na siya. Same goes for her boyfriend, and the guy
at the ICU. Balita ko'y kahit na-drop ang attempted rape na kaso, ay makukulong pa
rin siya dahil sa drugs na nakita sa kaniyang bulsa.

Napalingon ako nang marinig ang sunod-sunod na busina. I stood up but did not go to
the gate since I did not have an umbrella. Mayamaya ay lumabas na si Adonis sa
sasakyan dala ang take-outs. Mabilis ang kaniyang kilos papasok sa aking apartment.
His white v-neck was slightly wet because of the rain. Inilapag niya ang payong sa
may entrada.

"Bakit ka nasa labas?" tanong niya. He gently tuggedon my arm as we entered.

Nilapag niya ang take-outs sa lamesa at hinarap ako. Kunot ang kaniyang noo at
nagsusuplado na naman ang mukha. The back of his palm reached for my neck. Natatawa
ko iyong tinampal. Ang OA talaga nito kahit kailan.

"Ang lamig-lamig sa labas, baka magkasakit ka! Kanina ka pa ba doon?" tanong niya,
striktong-srikto sa kaniyang pananalita. I sat on the monobloc chair and just shook
my head, amused with his actions.

"Hindi naman," saad ko at nilabas ang kaniyang pinamili. He sighed, a sign that he
still wanted to argue and lecture me for what I did, but of course, he didn't.

"May banggaan kaya ako natagalan," paliwanag niya. Hinagip niya ang libre kong
kamay at pinagsiklop ang aming mga dalri. Nilingon ko siya at tinanguan. It's not a
big deal. Hindi naman ako magagalit para roon.

"Wala ka nang schoolworksna gagawin?" tanong ko. He just shrugged.

"Doesn't matter. I've been studying for four days straight. Ngayon lang kita
makakasama ulit. I won't miss my dose of Emmanuelle," aniya. I pinched his arm
because of that. Natawa lamang siya at binitiwan ang kamay ko. His hand rested on
my left thigh.

"Kahit pa. Gawin mo pa rin," pangongontra ko. Sinimangutan niya lamang ako at
umiling.
"I don't want to."

Aba, aba. Kailan pa naging ganito si Adonis? Sa pagkakatanda ko, siya itong grade
conscious at masipag mag-aral sa aming dalawa. Ngunit, habang tumatagal ay
kailangan ko pa siyang utusan para kumilos.

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin na pilit niyang iniiwasan. He sighed and boredly rested
his chin on his palm and looked at me.

"Hindi ako babagsak, Emma. 'Wag kang praning," aniya at natawa. Nasuntok ko ang
kaniyang braso dahil doon. He grunted while munching on his sandwich.

Nang matapos kami kumain ay siya na ang nag-ayos non. Dumiretso ako sa kwarto at
niyapos ang aking unan doon. Ang sarap talaga matulog kapag ganito ang panahon.
Pakiramdam ko'y hinehele ako ng tunog ng ulan sa kisame.

"Kanino 'to?" tanong ni Adonis. Sinilip ko iyong sinasabi niya. He was looking at
the old phonograph like it's his first time to see one. Tumayo na ako at tinanggal
ang lumang vinyl ng The Beatles doon.

"Dad's," sagot ko. Kinuha ko 'to sa bahay kahapon dahil na-miss ko lang. His
fingers traced the frame of the unit. Faded na ang hitsura ng kahoy na materyal sa
base dahil sa katandaan, ngunit makinang pa rin ang metal na nakalagay ang pangalan
ni Dad.

I went back to my bed. Si Adonis ay nakatingin lamang sa kung ano'ng kinukuha ko sa

malapit na drawer. I took out a music box. Napansin ko ang pagkamangha niya roon
bago siya lumapit.

"Kay Mom 'to, regalo raw sa kaniya ni Dad noong nililigawan pa siya," saad ko at
ibinigay iyon sa kaniya. Maingat niya iyong hinahawakan na akala mo'y madali iyong
masira. Maliit lamang iyon at gawa sa magaang kulay puting kahoy. It had Mom's name
engraved on the lid.

Kung anong simple ng panlabas na anyo nito ay siyang kinang naman ng sa loob. The
insides were silver and the back of the lid was shimmering with all those crystals.
Maingat na hinawakan ni Adonis ang gintong hand crank. Halata na ang pagkaluma ng
tape strip na nakalagay sa loob. Ang tanda na rin kasi nito, probably even older
than the phonograph.

Imagine, nililigawan pa lamang si Mom ay buhay na ang music box na ito. Now, her
daughters are 20 years old. Sigurado akong nasa tatlong dekada o mahigit na itong
nabubuhay.

Natawa ako nang nabigla si Adonis nang tumunog iyon. Still laughing, I snatched the
music box away from him. Kitang-kita ko ang pagkabigla at pagkamangha niya doon.

"Wise...men...say," mabagal kong awit habang marahang iniikot ang hand crank.
Napaawang ang labi ni Adonis habang tinitingnan iyon.

I just mouthed the remaining lyrics. Nararamdaman ko ang pagbigat ng loob habang
naalala na lagi itong pinagmamayabang sa 'min ni Mom dati. She would always say
that this is her favourite thing in the world. Whenever there's heavy rainfall, or
a typhoon, she would always play this to Emmarie and I before we go to sleep. She
treasured this the most. She wouldn't trade this for any expensive pieces of
jewelry.

"Sing," utos ni Adonis kaya tumigil ako sa pag-ikot ng crank. Sinimangutan ko

lamang siya.
"I don't sing," saad ko. He pouted at that. Tinapik niya ang kaniyang hita at alam
ko na agad ang ibig sabihin noon.

I sat on his lap. Mainit ang balat ni Adonis nang dumampi iyon sa akin. He wrapped
his arms around my waist and rested his head on my shoulders. Pinagpatuloy ko ang
pag-ikot sa crank.

The mellow and high-pitched sound of the music box was calming and therapeutic
against the howling of the winds and the soft knocking of the raindrops on my roof.
Humigpit ang kapit sa 'kin ni Adonis bago halikan ang aking balikat. I found
comfort in his warmth and touch. Everything just felt dreamy and cozy.

"Tapos na," sabi ko nang pumatak ang huling nota. Kinuha ni Adonis sa akin iyong
music box at sinipat.

"Personalized?" tanong niya. Nagkibit-balikat ako. Hindi ko naman alam kung saan
binili ni Dad iyon. Wala naman kasing naikwento si Dad tungkol sa ligawan nila ni
Mom dati. Well, hindi naman talaga kami nagkukwentuhan ng tatay ko. Again, I was
the distant twin.

Inilapag niya iyon sa aking lamesita. He hugged me tighter, burying his nose on my
shoulders.

"When is your family coming home?" tanong niya. His warm breath fanned my
shoulders.

"December 3," sagot ko, bahagyang excited. Tatlong tulog na lang!

They already secured a ticket for their flight the day before. Magkahalong tuwa at
takot ang nananalaytay sa aking sistema. My family's coming home, finally! Ngunit
natatakot ako na mamataan ang disappointment sa mata ng aking ama kung sakali mang
may mapansin siyang hindi niya magustuhan.

"May gagawin ba kayo?"

"Unfortunately," sagot ko. I wanted their first day in the Philippines just to be
us at home, ngunit sinusundan talaga ng trabaho ang ama ko. I'm old enough to
understand and not be a complete bitch about it. Kanino ba napupunta ang perang
kinikita niya sa pagtatrabaho? Sa amin din naman.

"May business party sa gabi ng uwi nila. They'll be here by afternoon, but I'm sure
we'll just prepare. Alam mo na..." paliwanag ko. I felt him nodding.

"Gusto mo bang sumama?" aya ko. I'm hoping he'll say yes. Hangga't maaga ay gusto
ko nang sabihin kay Dad ang tungkol sa kaniya. The earlier I tell him, the earlier
he can accept.

He inhaled sharply. "I'll see you there," bulong niya.

Sigurado naman akong naroon din ang pamilya niya. It's a big event for a birthday
of a respected business magnate. The Revillaneses were probably invited.

"What do you want to do?" tanong niya. Nilingon ko siya. Kinuha niya ang kamay kong
nasa aking hita at nilagay sa kaniyang pisngi.

"Wala naman,"sagot ko. "Ikaw? Meron kang gustong gawin?"

He snickered. Kumunot ang noo ko sa kaniyang pagngisi. May pinahihiwatig ba siya?

He bit his lip hard and pulled me closer to him.

"Wala rin naman...."

Malakas pa rin ang ulan sa labas na mukhang walang balak tumila. Adonis nuzzled
closer to my neck.

"Can you...paint for me?" marahan niyang tanong.

"Ano bang gusto mo?" tanong ko pabalik at hinarap siya.

Titig na titig siya sa aking mga mata. It almost felt like he was memorizing my
features. Bumaba ang tingin siya sa aking labi at marahang hinagkan iyon.

"Me?" aniya at umangat ang gilid ng labi.

Inalis ko ang kapit niya sa akin at hinayaan niya iyon. Pinuntahan ko iyong
pinakababang lebel ng aparador ko kung nasaan ang mga tinatago kong sketches ko sa
kaniya. Whenever he's busy, I always secretly draw him.

Bumalik ako sa kaniyang kandungan. I saw how his eyes widened at the sight of the
papers. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilan iyon. Iyong iba, sa papel ng notebook ko
lang. Mayroon namang sa maliit na sticky note lang. Kadalasan ay sa likod ng mga
scratch papers niya na nanghihinayang akong itapon.

"Ang galing," mangha niyang sabi. Ang isa niyang braso ay nakasukbit sa aking
bewang habang sinipat niya ang mga papel.

"I didn't know about these. All this time I thought you were suddenly interested in
numbers," he muttered as he looked at the back of the sketches, kung nasaan iyong
mga solution niya.

"Ito, maayos," saad ko at inagaw sa kaniya iyong mga papel. Hinanap ko iyong isang
ginawa ko bago ang birthday niya. It was supposed to be my gift to him. Ngunit
naisip ko na baka naisip niya nang reregaluhan ko siya ng drawing sa birthday niya
kaya hindi ko na tinuloy dahil wala nang element of surprise doon.

Inabot ko sa kaniya iyon. I didn't have any references while working on that one.
Pakiramdam ko kasi ay saulo ko na ang mukha niya kaya hindi ko na kailangan. It was
just a freehand sketch of him smiling. Hindi ko na naipa-frame iyon dahil nga
nagbago ang plano ko nung birthday niya.

Sinikop ko na ang mga papel at pinatungan ng music box para hindi kumalat.
Manghang-mangha siya doon sa dinrawing ko sa resibo galing sa convenience store.

Sa totoo lang, makadampot lang ako ng lapis at makapulot ng papel ay kikilos na

nang kusa ang kamay ko. Ang likod ng mahabang resibo ay punong-puno ng features
niya. A sketch of him studying, his eyes, his lips, his hands—the tiniest details
are all present there.

"I don't deserve you."

Kumunot ang noo ko sa kaniyang sinabi. I leaned my head on his chest. "Baliktad
ata," I said then chuckled. Naramdaman ko ang kaniyang pag-iling. Marahan niyang
pinisil ang aking braso.

Inilapag niya ang resibo sa lamesita. He shifted, bringing me along with his
movements. His movements were fluid as he parted my legs to adjust my position.
Napakapit ako sa kaniyang batok sa takot na malaglag sa sahig.
His right hand reached for my cheek as he leaned in for a kiss, lips moving slowly,
as if savouring every moment; the kiss was shallow. My hold on his nape tightened
as I felt him standing. Maya-maya ay naramdaman kong ibinababa niya ako sa kama. My
knees touched the foam of my cheap mattress. Kapwa kami nakaluhod sa aking kama.

He didn't let go of my lips. My legs turned weak and I ended up sitting on my

heels. His lips travelled to my forehead. Maingat niya ulit akong niyakap. I tugged
on the hem of his shirt.

He ran his fingers through my hair. Marahan niyang hinawi ang aking buhok palayo sa
aking mukha. He leaned in to claim my lips again. It didn't seem needy, nor hungry.
It was as if he's taking his time, and we had all the time in the world.

I rose and knelt on my bed again to meet him. I wrapped my arms around his nape as
his hand travelled inside my shirt. His fingers slowly tracing shapes on my skin,
careful and weightless.

His hand rested on the small part of my back as he leaned more, guiding me to lay
down without breaking our lips. I propped my knees as he settled in between me.

Saglit siyang humiwalay. Ang maamo niyang mata ay tila nangungusap, kumikinang na
tila may mga binahaging bituin.

His lips looked glossy with saccharine remnants of our sweet kiss. His eyes were
searching, shifting to every single feature of my face—soft brown irises haloed
with glowing comets. My fingertip reached for his lower lip, imagining it gently
tugged between my teeth.

My heartstrings twitched as I looked at his being. He was transparent, I see how he

sees me in his eyes: with too much love and adoration, like he can make a goddess
out of my broken and damaged parts.

He crouched, his lips making contact with my sensitive neck, leaving puddles of
sweet wine as he travels downwards to my clothed torso. Slowly, he hiked up my
shirt.

His warm breath fanned my lower ribs as he let out a shaky breath. His delicate
fingers traced the pale purple spots on my body, still on the state of healing. His
lips planted feathery kisses on my healing bruises, careful and unhurried.

My back involuntarily arched when he reached for my naked bosom, calloused palms
sending my satin skin pleasure even with the slightest contact. His movements were
calculated and slow. The surge of pleasure within me was crescent as he took me
inside his mouth.

I forced to keep my eyes open and looked at him. The celerity and sureness of his
movements made him seem like an expert. His hand reached for the headrest of my bed
as he gazed at my entirety, eyes darkling as his stare went downward, cheeks
gradually turning muted incarnadine.

He swiftly got rid of his shirt and both of us didn't care where it went when he
threw it away. I got rid of my long sleeved shirt myself.

I clutched on the sheets as he tugged on my pajamas. My toes involuntarily curled

when he touched my clothed sensitive flesh. I felt myself gushing even with the
slightest sudden contact.

My breathing became heavy as my heartbeats came rapid. The uncontrollable waves of

pleasure came next when he got rid of my soaked undergarment, lips slowly delving
to my muliebrity, tongue sinking in my flesh.

"Adonis!" I cried. He propped my legs upwards as he did not heed my call. He was
deaf to my womanly cries.

My whimpers were contained when his hands travelled back up, his lips still not
leaving the in-between of my thighs, and his fingers slid inside my mouth. My chest
rose violently and weakly fell as my cries for his names sounded muffled.

"Keep it down, sweetheart," he murmured as he took his fingers out of my mouth. His
eyes were drunk, lips glazed with rubescent love wine, hands moving apace as he
gets rid of his remaining clothes.

His low groan blended in with the sounds of the rain as he crashed himself in a
painfully slow manner in my fragility. My head sunk into the sheets, both hands
grasping for something to hold onto. His hips moved slowly but with strength, my
body moving upwards with each hard thrust.

"Shhh," he whispered as my cries became louder. His index finger pressed between my
lips, only to slowly travel downwards and envelop my neck with his large hand. He
contained my whimpers by putting his thumb inside my mouth, palms still sensually
gripping my neck.

He reached for the wooden headrest of the creaking bed as he quickened his pace. I
screamed for his name in need. He lowered himself and harshly bit my lower lip.

"Damn," he growled and threw his head back. Beads of sweat travelled down his
chiseled torso. My legs quivered. With two painfully slow thrusts, he reached his
zenith.

He let out a harsh breath. He positioned his hands beside my temples to support his
weight. His soft hair followed his movements as he looked at me beneath him.

"I love you. I love you...." he repeatedly said as he planted butterfly kisses on
my forehead, "I love you," on my cheek, "I love you," on the tip of my nose, "I
love you," and on the side of my lips.

"You will end up with me," he whispered.

I lifted myself to press my lips against his, dulcified with his romantic words.

Together, we burned in light-speed.

☽☾

Chapter 27

Ivanilla Anais is pronounced as (i-va-ni-yah a-na-yis).

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti25
chapter twenty-five

PAGKAGISING NA PAGKAGISING ay 'di na mabura ang ngiti sa aking labi. I sat down on
my bed and looked at my smiling reflection in the mirror. Kahit na kulang ang tulog
ko ay pakiramdam ko'y hindi ako inaantok! I felt very recharged even when I only
got around three hours of sleep! Hindi kasi ako makatulog kagabi sa sobrang
excitement!

This is probably the best Monday of my life! Hindi na ako papasok at pinaalam ko na
iyon sa mga kaibigan ko. Mabuti nang ma-mark as absent kaysa naman sa maakusahan
ako ng cutting kapag umuwi ako sa hapon.

Dali-dali akong naligo. Nagpambahay muna ako dahil marami pa namang time para mag-
prepare mamaya. I just wore Adonis' shirt and some cotton shorts. It's just 7 a.m.
but I just can't wait to go home!

Nasabi ko na kina Nana na darating sina Dad ngayon. Kagaya ko ay hindi sila
mapakali. Wala namang mali sa bahay, malinis naman at walang sirang gamit, but
Valentin Gorotizca is a perfectionist. Sisipatin niya ang bawat sulok at kakapain
ang plorera na paborito ni Mom para makita kung may alikabok.

They will arrive at around 12 noon. Hindi ako mapakali sa sobrang excitement. I
feel like my heart's going to burst out of my ribcage because of its wild beating.

I decided to pamper myself for the party later. Iyon lang naman ang pagkakaabalahan
ko dahil hindi na ako papasok ngayon. I picked up my phone to send him a text. He
said he'll go here first before his first class which starts at around 8:30 a.m.

Emmanuelle:
Sa'n ka?

It didn't take him long enough to respond. Mistulang hawak niya na ang kaniyang
phone.

Adonis:
Nasa Comsta na. I bought you breakfast.

Hindi ko na siya nireply-an dahil alam kong nagda-drive siya. Inilapag ko muna ang
aking phone sa lamesita. I grabbed a foundation brush and put on a clay mask. I
just felt like pampering myself up this morning. Ang gaan-gaan lang talaga ng
pakiramdam ko.

It's weird. Bihira lang ako makaramdam ng ganito kagaang feeling.

I made myself busy by cleaning up my art cabinet while waiting for the mask to dry.
After 15 minutes, I rinsed my face and proceeded with my sheet mask. Since Adonis
bought breakfast, I didn't bother to prepare anything. Sigurado akong may kape na
ring kasama iyon dahil may Starbucks naman sa Comsta. Kapag si Adonis ang bumili ng
pagkain, kumpleto hanggang sa inumin at panghimagas.

FIVE MINUTES LATER, I heard the engine of his car. Hindi ko pa natatanggal ang
sheet mask ko dahil sasaglit pa lamang ito nakalagay.

I looked weird, but I was confident Adonis wouldn't mind. He always makes me feel
like I'm the prettiest woman in the world. He's damn head over heels for me, it's
unbelievable.

Adonis seemed out of my league since the beginning. He looked like the guy who goes
with girls who are sweet, calm, and just naturally beautiful. Iyong tipong sa
school at bahay lamang umiikot ang buhay, or maybe girls who are liked by almost
everyone—the role models, the student leaders, the everyone's best friend. Ganoon.
Hindi sa tulad kong basagulero ang mga kaibigan at masyadong maraming issue sa
buhay.

But I was lucky 'cause he wanted me despite me being different. Hindi ko alam kung
nagayuma ko ba ang lalaking 'to o ano. I don't even remember how we first met—the
night I got his polo. He wouldn't tell me about it no matter how much I nag him.

Kunot ang noo niya sa 'kin habang binubuksan ko ang gate para papasukin siya.
Mukhang nagtataka siya sa kung ano'ng nasa mukha ko. Hindi ko alam kung namamangha
ba siya o nawi-weirdo-han.

"What's that?" tanong niya.

"Mask," tipid kong sagot. Nilapag ko lamang ang pinamili sa lamesa. I still have
ten minutes before I remove this thing on my face. Ayoko namang kumain nang naka-
mask, hindi kumportable at pakiramdam ko'y nalalasahan ko 'yung essence.

"Para saan?" tanong niya muli.

Napangisi ako. He's always asking me about things. Noong una, halos bigyan ko na
siya ng isang buong make-up class katatanong niya habang nagme-make up ako. He's
always curious.

"To make me pretty," sagot ko na lang dahil hindi ko alam pa'no ipaliliwanag sa
kaniya ang purpose ng skincare. He pouted at my answer.

"But you're already too beautiful, you don't need that anymore," he murmured.
Tumabi siya sa akin sa sofa.

Inirapan ko lamang siya para itago ang hiya sa aking loob. Adonis always says the
best words to make me shut up. This guy's shameless. Akala niya ata'y walang epekto
sa 'kin ang pinagsasasabi niya.

"What?" tanong niya nang irapan ko. His brows shot up. "Totoo naman."

His hand rested on my thigh as we watched a cartoon. Adonis has always been touchy.
He always wants us connected physically. He's clingy, but not in an annoying
manner. Isa pa, sabi nga ni Ajax, he's one jealous old fuck. Seloso siya pero
sinasarili niya lang. Kahit isang beses ay hindi siya nagsalita sa 'kin tungkol sa
mga pinagseselosan niya. Akala niya siguro ay hindi ako aware.

Sigurado na ang presensya niya sa event mamayang gabi, ngunit papasok siya sa umaga
dahil sa isang quiz na hindi niya pwedeng ma-miss. I can't wait for Christmas
break. I want to spend time with my family, and Adonis, of course.

I am planning to introduce him to Dad later. Hindi ko muna sinabi sa kaniya dahil
ayaw ko namang magmukha siyang rehearsed mamaya. I know Adonis can handle himself.
Dati pa ako naghahanap ng loophole na aayawan ni Dad sa kaniya ngunit wala naman
akong makita. He's a Revillanes. He's smart. He's polite. He's kind. He loves me.
Wala nang aayawan si Dad sa kaniya.

"Hindi mo pa ba tatanggalin 'yan?" tanong niya at nginuso iyong mask. Umiling ako.
He sighed. I almost shuddered when he gently caressed my thigh. Ever since his
birthday happened, naging marumi na talaga ang isip ko. Well, hindi naman talaga
malinis ang utak ko, thanks to my friends. But, having witnessed how Adonis acts in
bed, I can't help but squirm even with his simple touch. Lumala ata ako. His effect
on me was too much.

"Come on...I want a kiss before I go to school," mababa niyang sabi. Tinampal ko
ang kamay niya nang tumataas na ang gapang nito.

"Sayang sheet mask ko," saway ko sa kaniya. Pumalatak siya. His jaw ticked.
Napalunok ako nang wala sa oras nang dumilim ang kaniyang tingin.
"I'll buy you a box," bulong niya. Umiling akong muli. He grunted at that. Natawa
ako sa kaniyang reaksiyon at tumayo muna para i-dispose na talaga iyong sheet mask.
Inaasar ko lang naman siya.

Bahagyang malagkit pa ang aking mukha. I can't rinse it, but it felt uncomfortable.
Kumuha na lang ako ng tissue para masipsip ang sobra.

Tahimik akong naglakad pabalik sa salas. He was just sitting there, head leaning on
his palm while watching cartoons. With those dark slacks, white button-down and a
leather watch, he looked really sleek. Si Adonis 'yung isang tinginan lang, alam mo
na agad na matinong estudyante, based on stereotyping, of course. Pero, totoo
namang matino siyang estudyante.

I sat on his lap which surprised him. Ang inaantok niyang mata ay bahagyang
nanlaki. He immediately held my waist as I leaned for a kiss. I felt his tongue
trying to part my lips so I let him.

"What the—Emma, no!" hirap niyang saad nang pakialaman ko ang kaniyang belt. He
gasped when I held his clothed erection.

"May pasok ako—"

"Shhh." I shut him up by kissing him. Naramdaman kong nahihirapan siyang tumugon sa
halik nang ilabas ko ang kaniya. I wrapped it around my fingers which made him cuss
softly.

"Shit," marahan niyang mura nang simulan kong gumalaw. Humigpit ang kapit niya sa
aking bewang. I felt his muscles tensing.

He threw his head back with his eyes tightly shut. This is my first time doing this
so I'm not really sure if I'm doing this right. But if you're friends with Diesel
and Vivian, you'll be very much aware of things like this. Iyong dalawang 'yon ay
walang filter talaga ang bunganga. Thank God for my knowledgeable friends.

His right hand roughly cupped my breast as he forcefully removed my hand stroking
him. Nabigla na lamang ako nang mapunit niya iyong cotton shorts ko. He slid my
underwear to the side and entered without warning. I yelped with the sudden pain.

"Move, sweetheart," he whispered and pulled me closer to him. My hands settled on

his hair. Tangina. It always feels like the first time with him. I still feel like
my body's ripping in half whenever he's inside.

He guided my hips to move on top of him. Adonis usually liked it slow and sweet, so
the sudden change on the initial pace shocked me. Lumangitngit ang maliit kong
upuan sa rahas ng aming galaw.

He locked our lips as he met me halfway. His feral growl resonated inside my living
room as we finished.

Pagod kong ibinagsak ang katawan sa kaniya. Kapwa mabigat ang aming paghinga.
Naramdaman ko ang marahan niyang pagkagat sa aking balikat. I felt him reaching for
my ruined shorts and wiping our mess. I heard the metals of his belt clicking.
Hinila niya ang laylayan ng kaniyang t-shirt na suot ko pababa bago ako i-upo nang
patagilid sa kaniya.

"Binabaliw mo ako," mababa niyang bulong at isiniksik ang kaniyang mukha sa aking
leeg. "I'm late for my first class already, you now?"
Nilingon ko siya. Tila lasing pa rin ang kaniyang mga mata. Unti-unting umangat ang
gilid ng aking labi sa kaniyang gulo-gulong buhok. He looks sexier with messed up
hair.

"Edi sana tinanggihan mo ko," saad ko at tinaasan siya ng kilay. "Ayaw mo pala e,"
pang-aasar ko. Sinamaan niya ako ng tingin.

"Oh, I like it very much, sweetheart," he said and hugged me tighter. Naramdaman
kong inamoy niya ang aking leeg.

"Best breakfast ever," he mumbled. Agad na nag-init ang aking pisngi sa kaniyang
sinabi at tinampal ang kaniyang braso. He chuckled before softly biting my neck.

Umalis na ako sa kaniyang kanduangan. Kumuha ako ng suporta sa sofa dahil

pakiramdam ko'y matutumba ako. Hindi pa rin nawawala iyong pakiramdam ng sakit
pagkatapos. I swear Adonis is really gifted. This guy's got it all.

"I'm going," marahan niyang sabi at inipit sa likod ng aking tainga ang takas na
buhok. He wrapped me again in his arms, I felt his hand holding the back of my head
and guiding it to his chest.

"I love you," bulong niya. He sniffed before kissing my temples hard.

"Alis na. Baka maka-isa ka pa ulit e," pagbibiro ko. He groaned. Lalong humigpit
ang kaniyang yakap sa akin.

"Mahal mo ba ako?" parang bata niyang tanong. Kumunot ang noo ko sa lungkot ng
kaniyang tono. Kinurot ko ang kaniyang tagiliran.

"What kind of question is that?" tanong ko. I felt him shake his head. Marahan
niyang inugoy ang magkayakap naming katawan.

"Wala lang. Just checking," aniya. I hugged him on the waist which resulted to a
deep sigh from him. Tiningala ko siya.

"What's wrong?" tanong ko. Umiling lamang siyang muli. Hinagip niya ang aking baba.
I tiptoed to meet him halfway for a chaste kiss.

"I'm going. Baka magbago pa ang isip ko at samahan ka dito at ikulong ka na lang sa
bisig ko buong araw," aniya at natawa. I halfheartedly let go of his body. He
patted my head and tousled my hair before going inside his vehicle.

Nang makaalis si Adonis ay naligo akong muli. Hindi naman ako prepared na mag-
eescalate pala iyong panunukso ko sa kaniya. That wasn't supposed to happen!

Malamig na ang kapeng dala niya. Dalawang burger at malaking fries pa talaga ang
binili niya. He always orders two burgers if I would not eat rice. Ayaw na ayaw
niya iyong kaunti ang kinakain ko. Pakiramdam ko nga'y nagkalaman ako nang bahagya
simula noong naging kami. Lagi ba naman niya akong pinapakain. Kaya naman nagjo-
jogging na ako araw-araw para makontrol ang katawan, ngayon lang hindi dahil nga
alas-siete na ako nagising.

I swear, this is really the best Monday ever. I got an Adonis meal for breakfast.
My family's coming home later. Seriously, nothing can go wrong. This is probably my
favourite day in my whole lifetime.

Bandang alas-onse ay nag-text sa 'kin si Ate Mina na nasa bahay si Vivian, at si

Kuya Edu ay papunta na sa airport. Vivian said she'll help me and Emmarie get ready
for the party so she skipped classes. That, or she just doesn't want to go to
school.

I changed into a shirt dress para madaling hubarin mamaya sa bahay. Halos matalapid
na ako sa pagmamadaling umalis. Abot-langit ang tahip ng dibdib ko sa kaba at
excitement. Lagi ko namang nakikita si Emmarie sa pictures niya sa Instagram, pero
iba pa rin talaga 'pag kaharap mo na at humihinga.

SI VIVIAN AY prenteng kumakain ng ice cream habang nakaupo sa loveseat namin.

Tumaas ang kilay niya pagkakita sa 'kin at hinagod ako ng tingin mula ulo hanggang
paa. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay pabalik. Umiwas ako ng tingin sa mapanuri niyang
mata. Somehow, I feel like Vivian knows what Adonis and I did this morning.

Hinila ko na siya sa kwarto. Hindi pa rin maalis ang kaniyang tingin sa akin habang
inaalwas ko iyong mga stilletos doon na pwede kong isuot mamaya. Na kay Emmarie
kasi ang isusuot ko na dala niya mamaya.

"What, Vi? Stop staring," saad ko dahil natatakot na talaga ako sa pagsunod niya ng
tingin sa akin.

"You're blooming lately," komento niya. Natigilan ako sa pagtingin sa mga hikaw ko
nang sabihin niya iyon. Pasimple akong humugot ng hininga at awkward na tumawa sa
kaniyang sinabi.

"I know I'm pretty, Vivian," I said cockily and raised a brow at her. Nang mapansin
na hindi humuhupa ang kaniyang nanunuring tingin ay umiwas na ako.

"No. You have that...ASG. May hindi ka ba kinukwento sa 'kin?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. "ASG?" I asked.

"After. Sex. Glow," sagot niya, her head bobbing to the side as she emphasized each
word. Agad na nag-init ang pisngi ko at inirapan na lamang siya.

"Seriously, Emma. Ilang buwan na ba kayo ni Adonis? Almost five? Wala bang...you
know..." aniya. She twirled her hair with her index finger and wiggled her brows,
suggesting something.

Natigilan ako sa ginagawa. I bit my lower lip and slowly looked at her with both my
brows raised. Mukha namang nakuha niya agad ang ibig sabihin ko dahil eksahederang
nanlaki ang mga mata niya at napatakip siya sa kaniyang bibig.

"OMG! You gave in your V-card to him na, 'no?!" malakas niyang sabi. Sinaway ko
agad siya dahil baka may makarinig sa labas. Sa lakas ng boses niya e baka nga
marinig pa ng kapitbahay. Humihingang megaphone ata itong si Vivian.

"K'wento! Kailan?" usisa niya at niyakap ang malaki kong unan. Itinaas ko ang aking
paa sa tokador at sumandal lalo sa upuan.

"Hulaan mo," saad ko at natawa. She looked at the ceiling while thinking of an
answer.

"I heard he attended Maxim's birthday. I also heard you kissed Maxim, so nagalit
siya noon, panigurado. 'Yon ba? Angry sex?"

Lalong nag-init ang aking pisngi sa kabulgaran niya ngunit umiling ako. Naningkit
muli ang kaniyang mata habang nag-iisip, dahan-dahang namimilog muli ang mata nang
makaisip ng panibagong sagot.

"Noong birthday niya! Kaya hindi ko kayo makita parehas no'n! Ano? Tama ako, 'di
ba?! Oh, wait.... 'Yon 'yong regalo mo sa kaniya? Birthday sex?! OMG ka! Ang harot
mo!" aniya at hinampas ako ng unan dahil tawa ako nang tawa sa sagot niyang tama.

"Saan? Dito sa kwarto mo, 'no?" diretsahan niyang tanong.

"Ivanilla Anais!" sita ko sa kaniya. Grabe. Wala talagang preno ang bunganga nito!
Parang sila ni Diesel ang magkapatid at hindi sila ni Raven.

"Tangina ka! Tapos 'di ka nagkwento ng experience! Akala ko pa naman best friend mo
'ko!" patampo niyang sabi. Umiling na lamang ako sa kaniyang kakulitan.

"So that was the first. Naka-ilan na kayo?"

I facepalmed. Do I really need to answer her inquiries about this? Knowing Vivian,
hindi siya titigil na kulitin ako hangga't 'di ako sumasagot. Being the shameless
and no-filter kind of girl she is, nakatatakot na baka kay Adonis pa siya magtanong
kung 'di ko siya sasagutin ngayon! Mas nakakahiya! I can't even imagine!

"Three..." sagot ko at umiling sa sarili. Puta. Is this interview really necessary?

Kanina pa siya tili nang tili at parang bulate na binudburan ng asin sa likot niya
sa aking kama. Gulo-gulo na nga 'yong sapin ng kama ko dahil sa kaniya!

"Ilang rounds kada isa?"

I groaned. I sat properly and loudly tapped the wooden surface of my cabinet.

"Seryoso? Pati ba naman 'yan—"

"So more than one? OMG! Ang wild niyo! Tangina ka!" aniya at humalakhak nang
malakas. Napailing na lang ako sa kaguluhan niya.

"So how was it?" pahabol niya. I was gawking at her. Parang kulang na lang yata e
lahat ng detalye ibigay ko sa kaniya.

"Massive monster," mahina kong sagot at ang lakas ng tawa niya roon. Kinabahan nga
ako dahil namumula na ang morena niyang balat katatawa. Baka mamaya e kapusin na
naman 'to ng hininga!

"Kaya ka pala blooming. 'Yon pala ang sikreto...."

Pakiramdam ko'y sobrang init na ng mukha ko dahil sa mga tanong niya, ngunit wala
na namang bago dahil kakaiba talaga ang bunganga nitong megaphone na 'to.

"Practice safe sex, ha? Or naka-pills ka ba?"

Pumalatak ako at nilingon siya. She was looking at me with mouth agape and her head
slightly tilted to the side while waiting for my answer. Mayamaya'y kumunot ang
kaniyang noo at nagbago ang ekspresyon na parang handa akong pagalitan.

"Gaga! Hindi gumagamit ng condom?" Ngayon ay mas mahina na iyon ngunit ramdam ko
ang mariin niyang pagbigkas.

"Don't worry. Nagkaroon na 'ko last month, before the Nicholas issue, so I'm
fine...."

Napapitlag ako nang pisilin niya ang aking braso. I pouted at her. Wala naman kasi
talaga sa isip ko ang contraceptives, and Adonis doesn't bring protection either.
Kaya naman ganoon.
Papagalitan niya pa sana ako ngunit may kumatok. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at
nagkatinginan kami ni Vivian. Mistulang tumigil ang oras sa kaba ko. Nilingon ko
ang orasan at lagpas alas dose na.

Shit.

Nagmamadali kong pinagbuksan ang kumatok nang matauhan. Ate Mina was smiling at me
while holding Yohan.

"Nasa baba na sila," aniya. Napakapa ako sa aking dibdib dahil tanging tibok na
lamang ng puso ko ang naririnig ko. I nodded and ran my way downstairs. Namataan ko
na ang nakatalikod na pigura ng aking ama at si Emmarie na papasok pa lamang. Halos
malaglag ako sa hagdan dahil sa pagmamadali.

I halted behind my father's figure. I can't take another step forward. Si Kuya Edu
na tinutulungan si Emmarie sa pagbitbit ng gamit papasok ay napalingon sa akin at
ngumiti. Emmarie's eyes shot up and our gazes met. My chest was heaving as her lips
parted.

The sound of my father's leather shoes made me turn my attention back to him. He
still looked the same, and his strict and powerful aura never faded. Ang singkitin
niyang mata ay nakangiti sa akin. He spread his arms wide while looking at me in
the eye.

I rushed towards him to give him a tight hug. Mabilis na bumalot ang kaniyang bisig
sa aking likuran. Pinigilan ko ang pag-iyak dahil mamumugto ang mata ko mamaya sa
party.

"I'm sorry, 'Nak. I'm sorry...." he whispered. My whole body was trembling as I
held back the tears. Hinigpitan ko lamang lalo ang kapit sa kaniya. I can't
remember when was the last time I hugged him like this.

I saw Emmarie from a distance. Nakangiti siya sa amin ngunit napapansin ko ang
naluluha niya ng mga mata. Saglit siyang tumingala para pigilin ang sariling luha.
Dahan-dahan siyang lumapit sa amin.

"I'm sorry...." My father's voice broke as he cried on my shoulders. Nanginginig

ang kaniyang mga balikat sa sobrang pag-iyak.

"Dad...we should prepare," natatawang saad ni Emmarie. I felt Dad nodding on my

shoulders. He let out a shaky breath before letting go of me.

"Okay. You should go, Vesper," mahina niyang saad bago halikan ang tuktok ng aking
ulo.

When it comes to my mother, I can talk endlessly on how much memories we shared
when she was alive. Kahit na maaga siyang binawian ng buhay, pakiramdam ko'y marami
akong maikukuwento tungkol sa pinagsamahan namin. Ngunit, pagdating sa aking ama,
halos wala na 'kong maalala. He was always focused on Emmarie since she's the child
prodigy.

My heart felt overjoyed with everything happening at the moment. It all felt too
much but it was good. I felt like after so many years, I finally gained the love of
my father.

Emmarie and I stayed in my room. Inaayusan siya ni Vivian, at siya ang inuna nito
habang nilalabas ko ang mga isusuot namin.
Vivian and Emmarie weren't really close friends, ngunit dahil sa ugali ni Vivian ay
hindi naman sila awkward ngayon. Vivian is not called a social butterfly for
nothing. Kahit na bitchesa siya ay madali naman siyang pakisamahan basta't wag mo
siyang mamalditahan.

Nilabas ko sa bagahe ni Emmarie iyong mga damit na nakalagay sa plastik, marahil ay

nabuksan na dahil sabi niya'y sinukat daw niya iyon.

Iniladlad ko iyon. Hindi ko alam kung alin ang akin. The first one was a plain
black dress, round neck, with mesh material for the shoulder area. The material for
the oversized long-sleeves part was very sheer but silky.

Iyong isa ay itim din. Ang motif siguro ay black and white. Sa tingin ko'y iyon ang
akin dahil sa sobrang lalim na neckline. Hindi naman kita ang balat dahil sa lace
embroidery na gumagapang sa pusod paakyat sa chest area. The sleeves part was also
made of lace, and flowers were intricately embroidered on the area.

Wala sa tipo ni Emmarie ang magsuot ng ganito kalalim na neckline kahit pa may
taklob naman. Siya ang mas conservative. Both are probably gonna cover half of our
thighs, but still, the round-neck one is more...demure. Siguro'y iyon ang kaniya,
ngunit hindi ako sigurado. New York probably shaped her to be a little bit
liberated, who knows?

"Alin ang akin dito?" tanong ko at nilingon sila. Vivian was doing her magic and
applying colours to my sister's lids.

"The Yves Saint Laurent is mine. The Alexander McQueen is yours."

Nagpantig ang tainga ko sa narinig. Napatigil din si Vivian sa paglalagay ng make-

up kay Emmarie at napatingin sa 'kin.

"Pakiulit?" saad ko. Vivian was also waiting for Emmarie to repeat what she said.
Sigurado akong parehas kaming nagulat. Nagmulat muna si Emmarie at nilingon ako.

"The Sarabande lace dress is yours. Iyong oversized sleeves ay akin," aniya na
mukhang wala lang iyon.

"Wh-What brands are these?" tanong ko.

"YSL and McQueen," sagot niya at tinagilid ang ulo na mukhang naguguluhan sa
pagtanong ko. Nasapo ko ang aking noo. Si Vivian ay napahalakhak.

"Tangina, ah. 'Yong pinambili ng bistida niyo, pwede na sigurong magpakain ng isang
baryo," saad niya bago papikitin muli si Emmarie at ipagpatuloy ang ginagawa.

I know we're very much well-off...but spending money like this is...just odd for
me. Siguro ay dahil nasanay akong magtipid at kumita para sa sarili kaya iba ang
way of thinking ko. Jesus Christ...magkano ang dalawang bistidang 'to? And Emmarie
bought two clutch bags and two pairs of shoes for us, as well! May alahas pa nga!
Sabi niya'y si Dad naman ang gumastos. For sure luxury brands din ang mga 'di ko
panailalabas.

I sat on my bed and searched the dresses in the internet. Napatunganga ako sa
presyo. Kapag cinonvert into Philippine peso ay halos pumalo na sa 300K iyon! What
the hell?! Tuition ko na 'to hanggang next year!

Inalwas ko agad ang mga dala niya pa. I eyed the sleek black ankle boots, with
around three inches heels. Iyong isa ay simpleng itim na pumps—that's what I
thought. Nang matauhan kung anong brand iyong sinisimbolo ng gintong design ay
nanghinayang na naman ako.

"What about the shoes?" tanong ko at napapikit, kahit na alam ko na talaga ano'ng
brand non. It's printed on the soles!

"My pumps are Versace. The boots are from Hermes. Kasya ba sa'yo 'yung boots? You
prefer boots, right?"

What...the...fuck?

Laglag-panga na si Vivian at napalingon sa 'kin at sa sapatos na hawak. She shook

her head in amusement.

Well, shit. Again. Nalula ata ako nang makita ang almost 130Kna total ng ginastos
para sa sapatos.

Alam ko namang kilala lahat ng pupunta sa party mamaya, but I don't think the
luxury brands are necessary. I grabbed the two round bags I'm seeing. Nahilot ko na
lang ang sentido ko nang makita ang pamilyar na logo ng Chanel.

Seriously? This probably costs around 4,000 dollars each!

Nang matapos kay Emmarie ay lumipat muna ito sa kwarto niya para magbihis dahil
alam kong nahihiya pa rin siya kay Vivian. Pagkalabas na pagkalabas ng kakambal ko
ay agad na pumunta si Vivian sa mga isusuot ko mamaya nang may nanlalaking mata.

"Grabe! Tangina! Na-compute mo na kung magkano?"

Umiling lang ako. Baka mahimatay ako 'pag nakita ang total noon ngunit syempre,
hindi naman papatalo si Vivian kaya chineck niya talaga. Apparently, the bags cost
4,500 dollars each. What the heck?

"Eight hundred forty-five thousand...and five hundred pesos," basa ni Vivian sa na-
compute niyang total.

"Almost one million?" gulantang kong saad. Parehas kaming hindi makapaniwala.
Vivian's family is well off, ngunit pare-parehas silang hindi magastos.

Simula pa naman dati ay ganito na si Dad. Nga lang, noong bata pa ako ay 'di ko
napapansin iyong brands at presyo. Ngayong tumanda na ako at aware na sa mga
pangyayari ay naging conscious na ako sa paggatos.

Vivian did my make-up and curled the tips of my naturally wavy hair. Saktong-sakto
naman sa 'kin ang biniling damit at sapatos ni Dad. I'm pretty sure he just asked
his secretary to buy anything from luxury brands. He has no time for shopping.

The necklace Adonis gave me stood out in my all-black outfit. I just wore my sword
earrings, not minding if it doesn't fit the event. Bagay naman sa 'kin. Wala silang
pakialam sa isusuot ko.

Dad invited us to eat dinner at home kahit na may pagkain naman mamaya. Well, they
probably skipped lunch. Gusto rin ni Dad na ang unang kain niya ay dito sa bahay,
kasama kaming magkapatid, si Vivian, at mga kasambahay.

Nana lead the prayer. Wala na talagang nagtangkang buksan ang topic sa nangyari
noon. Kadalasan ay si Emmarie ang kinakausap nila tungkol sa buhay sa New York
dahil alam naman nilang puro trabaho lang si Dad at walang time gumala doon.

"Wala ka bang boyfriend, Emmarie?" tanong ni Vivian. Buti na lang at kasama ko ito.
Siya kasi ang pinakamadaldal. The other maids liked Vivian because she's talkative,
but not annoying.

I threw Vivian a side-glance and she just winked at me. Napansin ko ang pag-angat
ng tingin ni Dad kay Emmarie. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay gusto na ni Vivian na sabihin
ngayon din ang tungkol kay Adonis.

Emmarie immediately turned pink. Dahan-dahan niyang nilingon si Dad na may halong
takot. Dad just raised both his brows.

"You are both old enough. Ang tagal ko kayong kinulong kaya hindi na ako
magagalit," saad ni Dad na nagpangiti sa akin. Sumang-ayon naman ang mga
kasambahay.

"Uhm..." My twin bit her lip. Sinaway siya ni Vivian dahil baka masira ang lipstick
niya. She sighed and smiled.

"Meron po...."

Agad siyang tinanong nina Ate Mina at Ate Krizel at kung ano-anong tips ang
binigay. Nananahimik ako at prente na hindi sa 'kin mapupunta ang usapan dahil
pokus sila kay Emmarie. Ngunit, biglang napadako sa 'kin ang tingin ni Ate Mina.

"Itong si Ellie ay mayroon na rin, Sir Valentin!"saad nito. Vivian chuckled loudly.
Tumaas naman ang kilay ni Dad sa 'kin at tinanguan ako na parang wala naman siyang
problema doon.

"I want to meet them both. Will I see them later?"

I nodded. Emmarie smiled. "Yes, he's going."

Napalingon ako sa kaniya. I'm pretty sure Emmarie chose someone honourable, someone
that would exceed Dad's expectations. Knowing na invited sa party mamaya,
siguradong galing din sa prominenteng pamilya iyon.

Mayamaya ay sinundo na ni Raven si Vivian. After that issue with Nicholas, he's
back to being cool and nonchalant. Akala mo'y walang pinroblema.

KUMIKINANG ANG ILAW sa labas pa lamang ng hall na gaganapan ng party. We waited for
Dad before we enter. Sabay-sabay kaming pumasok. Sa entrada pa lamang ay marami
nang bumabati kay Dad dahil kauuwi nga lang nito.

"Valentin!"

Napalingon kaming lahat sa tumawag. Napakurap-kurap ako nang makita siya nang
malapitan.

"Xanthos," Dad acknowledged. Naramdaman ko ang kamay ni Dad sa aking likuran.

The guy he called Xanthos smiled at us. Hindi ko mawari kung sino ang kaniyang
kamukha. Mukha siyang masayahin ngunit sa sandaling nagseseryoso ang kaniyang mukha
ay may naalala ako. I just can't...figure out who.

"Where's Josephine?" tanong ni Dad.

Josephine?

"Oh, she's with Harriet. Alam mo namang mag-best friend 'yung dalawang 'yon."
Nagpantig ang aking tainga. Harriet?

"You're...Atty. Josephine Nuevo's husband?" singit ko, hindi na napigilan.

Ngumiti ito sa 'kin, ngunit pumalatak. "It's Josephine Revillanes already, child.
Pinaghirapan ko bago ko nagawang ganoon ang apelyido niya kaya 'yun ang dapat
itawag sa kaniya. Saglit...you're the case she handled?" aniya at kumunot ang noo.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. Ngayon ay naipunto ko na kung sino ang kahawig niya.
He's Ajax' father!

Naramdaman kong hinapit ako lalo ni Dad palapit sa kaniya. Emmarie looked at me
with those sad eyes. Ngumiti lang ako sa kaniya para ipaalam na ayos na ako.

"Say thanks to your wife for me," saad ni Dad. Humalakhak lamang ito at tinapik ang
balikat ni Dad. He seems too jolly to be Ajax' father. Nagpaalam din ito nang may
tumawag sa kaniya.

I turned to the nearby table of wine. Mukhang mamahalin nga lahat. Dad was just
behind me talking to another business person. Natatagalan ni Emmarie ang makinig sa
ganoon. In all honesty, I'm already bored. Kung hindi ko lang talaga sila na-miss,
hindi ako sasama rito.

"Where's your boyfriend, Emmarie?" narinig kong tanong ni Dad habang namimili ako
sa mga wine. Mukhang imported lahat.

"There! Saglit lang po, I'll get him."

Nang makapili ay inabot ko iyon sa staff. Gusto ko ngang paghaluin sa iba ngunit
baka bawal. Sosyal, ha. May wine bar talaga sa loob.

"Dad, this is my boyfriend."

Tinanggap ko ang kopita at bahagyang ngumiti sa staff bago lumingon.

Muntik ko na atang mabitiwan ang hawak nang makita siya. He's wearing a simple
three-piece suit with black coat, and white for the inner shirt. His eyes widened
at our eye contact.

"Babe?" tawag ni Emmarie sa kaniya. Umiwas siya ng tingin at nilingon si Dad.

What's happening?

I don't understand.

"Hello, Sir. I'm Adonis Yeohan," aniya at pormal na nakipag-kamay kay Dad.

Hindi ko maalis ang tingin sa kaniya.

Babe?

Nilingon ko si Emmarie na malawak ang ngiti.

Babe, huh.

"Emmarie's boyfriend," he breathed. Hindi na ako nagtangkang lingunin siyang muli.

Fuck.
Pakiramdam ko'y matutumba ako rito. I felt like something cold touched my abdomen.
Parang biglaan akong nahilo. My system is in a havoc. Hindi ako makapag-isip nang
ayos.

"Vesper, where's yours?" tanong ni Dad. Naramdaman ko ulit ang kaniyang marahang
pagtapik sa aking likod.

Nanuyo ang aking lalamunan. I looked at Adonis and the motherfucker dared to look
back at me and meet my gaze. My chest felt tight as I looked at him.

Is this seriously happening?

"U-Uh..." Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin. Napakapa ako sa kwintas na suot.
Bumaba ang tingin ni Adonis doon.

My heart was wildly beating against my bones. Pakiramdam ko'y biglaan akong iiyak
sa harapan nila. Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa kopita at pakiramdam ko'y mababasag ko
iyon. My knees are gradually turning to jelly.

It was so fucking hard to breathe. The shock and pain constricted my airways.

I felt like dying.

So much for the best Monday of my life.

"Good evening, Sir. I'm Emmanuelle's boyfriend. My apologies for being late,"saad
ng bagong dating.

☽☾

Chapter 28

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti26
chapter twenty-six

HE QUICKLY SUPPORTED me by holding my waist and subtly snatching me from my father.

Dad's brows shot up in surprise. Hinigpitan niya ang kapit sa akin, halos yakapin
na sa harapan nila. He flashed his usual cocky smile as held out his hand.

"Ansel Villaecija," pakilala niya gamit ang pangalan na madalas niyang gamitin sa
mga ganitong okasyon.

I looked at Diesel. The cross earring tasseled cuffs on his right ear dangled with
his movements. Nakangisi siya ngunit hindi ko makitaan ng tuwa iyon. He smiled when
Dad took his hand. Nakita ko ang saglit niyang pagtingin kay Adonis at ang
pagtangis ng kaniyang panga.

With his all black suit, he looked dangerous. He looked like he can murder Adonis
right here in front of everyone.

"Danilo's son?" tanong ni Dad. Nilingon niya ako at nginitian. I forced a smile but
I felt like breaking down at the moment.

I don't want to be here anymore.

"Yes, Sir," pormal na sagot ni Diesel. Marahan niyang pinisil ang aking bewang. It
was as if he's asking me to hold on a little longer. "Do you mind if I steal your
daughter for a moment?"

Habol ko ang aking paghinga. My fingers fidgeted with my necklace. Hinang-hina na

ang aking mga binti. I lost the strength to stand properly.

"No, no...it's okay. Go ahead," saad ni Dad, nakangiti pa rin sa 'kin. Even Emmarie
was smiling widely at me. Hindi niya siguro alam na matagal ko nang matalik na
kaibigan si Diesel dahil wala na sila sa Pinas noong nakilala ko siya.

I shot Adonis a look. Nakipaglaban siya ng titigan. His lips were slightly
quivering, pressed in a tight line. Namungay ang kaniyang mata at dumapo iyon sa
hawak kong kwintas na bigay niya.

My heart leapt when he removed his hand from my twin and looked like he's about to
say something, like he's about to confess in front of my family. Sa takot ay hinila
ko na si Diesel palayo roon. I was afraid that he would tell the truth in front of
Dad and Emmarie right at that moment.

Pero ano nga ba ang totoo?

Hindi ko na rin kasi alam.

The moment we stepped out of the ballroom hall, I broke down near the grand
staircase. I sat on my heels and covered my face with my palms as I wept.
Naramdaman ko ang katawan ni Diesel sa aking likuran. He knelt and draped his coat
on my frail body.

"Come on, Emma. You're better than this," bulong niya. He guided me to stand. Akay-
akay niya ako patungo kung saan. Even if Diesel had seen the worst of me, I still
covered my face with my hands, not worrying if I ruin my make-up.

And when I thought I suffered the worst, the universe will fucking play with me.
Hindi pa ba sapat na dinurog na ako noong mga nakaraang taon? All my life, I've
been silently suffering. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng nagawa ko sa past life ko at
ginaganito ako. Was I that evil?

Do I not deserve the good things in life?

Why does it always have to end like this?

Bakit laging ako?

Do I not deserve a happy life? Iyon lang naman ang hinihiling ko.

It took me years to gain my father's attention! Mom was the only one who supported
me, and she died early! Why did she have to die early?! P'ano na ako? Wala na akong
kakampi. She left and did not bring me with her! Ang daya-daya! Bakit pagdating sa
'kin, laging ang daya-daya?

I wasn't able to attend my mother's funeral! I didn't even see her for the last
time! Tinanggalan ako ng karapatan dahil ako ang sinisisi sa nangyari. And I
accepted all those! I caused my father pain, so I deserved every heartache I
received from him, even if it's too much!

I was always behind my sister—always her shadow! Hindi ako kailanman nagreklamo.
Hindi ko siya inaway kahit kailan. I will always fight for her because she's my
sister. She's my twin, my other half, my first best friend! Kahit na lagi akong
kinukumpara ay hindi ako nagalit dahil totoo naman ang sinasabi nila. I didn't mind
sharing Mom with her! Habang si Dad ay kaniya lang nang buo!

Bakit ako ginanito? Wala na akong kasalanan sa kanilang lahat. Hindi pa ba sapat
iyong mga nangyari noon? Hindi pa ba ako bayad sa kasalanan ko? Hindi pa ba tapos?

May kukuhanin pa ba sila? Maybe next time, even my friends are gone, too! Of
course! I have to suffer this much! This is what I deserve!

Hindi pwedeng maayos ang pamilya ko at kasama ko pa si Adonis. One has to go! I
still have to suffer pain! Hindi pwedeng masaya lang ako! Lagi namang gano'n!

"Tahan, Emma.... Tumahan ka na," mariing sabi ni Diesel. He used his force to
remove my palms from my face. Narinig ko ang kaniyang pagpalatak at hinatak ako
palapit sa kaniya. I felt his rough hands on my cheeks, his thumb pressing on my
skin as he wipes my tears.

"You'll be alright. You'll be alright...." marahan niyang sabi. I felt his hand on
the back of my head as he guided me to his chest.

I gripped on his shirt and buried my face on his chest more. He removed my weak
hands and put my arms around his waist instead. Nagtago na ako sa kaniyang katawan.
The shaking of my shoulders was violent and uncontrollable.

"Wala kang kasalanan dito. Tandaan mo 'yan."

Ipinatong niya ang kaniyang ulo sa akin nang humigpit ang kaniyang pagkakayakap. I
tried to calm myself down and normalize my breathing. Hindi ko na ata kaya.

Bakit ba ako ginaganito?

Ano ba'ng kasalanan ko?

Was I really not a girlfriend material? Pang-fling lang ba talaga ako? Hindi ko ba
deserve maging masaya?

Sabagay, I'm just one big problematic bitch with daddy issues. Sino ba namang
gugusto sa tulad ko? Hindi naman ako mabait. Maganda lang naman ako 'pag naka-make-
up. Hindi naman ako matalino. Heck, my course is Arts! Everyone looks down at me
because of that!

And it was stupid to believe Adonis. Habulin. Mayaman. Matalino. Mabait. Lahat na!
He's not called everyone's dream for nothing! Why the hell will he settle for me?
For someone damaged? For someone hollow and cracked? Sa dami ng pagpipilian niya,
bakit niya pipiliin ang tulad ko na hindi naman kapili-pili?

And of course, my sister—the multi-talented, the intelligent, the sweet, the kind.
Everyone liked her more! Kahit ako, mas pipiliin siya kaysa sa sarili ko.

And if I were Adonis, I'd choose Emmarie without a doubt, too.

Who in their right mind would choose me?

Of course, no one! Hindi na kailangang pag-isipan ang sagot do'n!

"I should have listened to you," sising-sisi kong saad. Naramdaman ko ang pag-iling
ni Diesel.

"Never blame yourself, Emmanuelle. None of this is your fault. Nagmahal ka lang
naman e," he almost whispered the last part. I bit my lip hard to suppress my sobs.
Hinalikan niya ang tuktok ng aking ulo.

"We're here, okay? Addie and I...Vi and Raven...we're with you. You still have us,
okay? You'll never lose us."

Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal doon. Naramdaman ko na lamang na pinasusunod
niya ang katawan ko na magtungo kung saan. He guided my shoulders and made me sit
on the old fountain, probably not in use for months now.

He crouched. Sa dilim ng gabi ay lalong tumalim ang kaniyang hitsura. Everything

about Diesel is dark, rough, and dangerous. His jet black quiff hair was getting
long already, parted in the middle and softly meeting his eyes.

Mariin ang kaniyang tingin sa akin, tila kumukuha ng tiyempo kung kailan
magsasalita. Saglit niyang nilihis ang tingin sa gilid, giving me a clearer view of
his sharp violently ticking jawline, a sign that he's looking for a bloodbath.

Mariin niyang pinikit ang mata at nilingon akong muli. His left hand rested on the
side of my thighs, getting support from the fountain while sitting. Ang isa ay
hinagip ang aking kamay.

"Do you want me to do something to him?" seryoso niyang tanong, kahit na sinasabi
na ng mga mata niya ang gusto niyang marinig na sagot sa akin.

Humigpit ang kaniyang kapit sa aking kamay. I craned my neck upwards and looked up
at the night-sky. Halos wala akong bituing makita. Madilim lang. Walang kahit
kaunting liwanag na sumisilip.

My vision blurred as a new set of tears formed. They silently rolled down my cheeks
the moment I forced my eyes shut. Diesel hissed.

"No," sagot ko at nilingon siyang muli. Umiling siya sa narinig.

"I promise to not get in trouble—"

"Promise me you won't hurt him," nanghihina kong sabi. Frustration rushed over his
system. Nagtangis ang kaniyang panga at humugot ng malalim na buntong-hininga.

"Promise me, Diesel," mariin kong sabi. I felt his hand slightly squeezing mine, as
if he's controlling his temper.

"Okay. I promise. I won't touch him. Raven won't touch him. Wala kaming gagawin sa
kaniyaa. I promise," tila hirap na hirap niyang sabi.

I weakly smiled at him. He groaned and stood up. He scratched his brow as the other
made its way inside his pockets. I know what he's thinking. Iniisip niya kung ano
ang gagawin niya sa 'kin ngayon.

My friends know that I hate being pitied. It makes me feel smaller than I actually
am. Hindi ko na kailangan ng mga taong ipaaalala sa 'kin kung gaano ako kaawa-awasa
estado ko.

I know they're trying hard to make me clueless of their voices behind me, how they
always talk on how to distract me when the day of Mom's death anniversary is
approaching. I know how Diesel always invites me to parties he does not even want
to attend just to take my mind off things. I know how Raven always asks me to go
with him somewhere just so my mind doesn't stay idle. I know how Adira invites me
to her mother's bakery just to occupy my mind. I know how Vivian secretly wants to
include me on her various cliques so that I can go busy and think of other things
than dying.

Ramdam ko na pare-parehas silang takot na gawin ko muli ang nangyari noon. Vivian
hated me for that. Halos magwala siya sa ospital noon.

NOONG PANAHONG BINISITA niya ako ay napalabas siya sa kwarto dahil imbes na yakapin
niya ako ay malakas niya akong sinampal. Akala ko noo'y mapupunit ang anit ko dahil
sa kaniyang pagsabunot. She was so mad at me for doing that.

Pupunta siya ng ospital para dalahan ako ng notes na alam kong nakuha niya lang sa
kaklase naming binlackmail niya. Instead of simply putting it down on the table,
binato niya iyon sa pader at ako pa ang pinakuha kahit na mahina pa ang katawan ko.
She was very mean, but she always visited. Walang palya siya sa pagpunta sa
ospital, ni isang araw, hindi siya lumiban.

She finally cried her heart out after three days of acting like a bitch. Unang
beses ko siyang nakitang humagulgol sa tapat ko no'n.

And at that moment, I regret what I did.

I made my best friend cry. I hurt her. It was a selfish move. I am one heartless
bitch, am I not?

"THANK YOU," SAAD ko. Diesel only nodded at me, eyes gradually softening. He patted
my head and tilted my chin.

"You do not deserve him, Emma. You don't deserve a guy who cheats," mariin niyang
sabi. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa sahig. I nodded, taking in every word he said.

Adonis cheated on my sister. Emmarie does not deserve this, too. Lalong walang
ginawang masama ang kapatid ko, at hindi ko rin kakayanin na ako ang dahilan kung
sakali mang magkalamat ang relasyon nila.

I will always choose Emmarie over Adonis.

It's always my family above all.

I can let one heartbreak like this pass.

I can sacrifice this.

Besides...he deserves someone a lot better than me.

Napalingon ako sa tunog ng natuyong dahong naapakan. Diesel balled his fists as he
controlled his temper. He promised me. He never breaks a promise, and I trust his
words. Kahit gaano siya kagalit, kapag nangako siyang hindi siya mananakit, ay
hindi talaga.

I turned to meet Adonis' eyes. The same pair of sharp yet kind battled between
drowsy and pained. The moon made his eyes glimmer. Only half of his face was
illuminated by the moonlight.

I swallowed the bile creeping on mg throat. My mouth tasted bitter as I reminded

myself that this is the reality.

And reality was never good to me.

But I have to continue.

I don't have a choice, do I?

"Can we talk?" tanong niya sa namamaos na boses pagkalapit. I turned to look at

Diesel who seemed cold and murderous. The veins on his arms protruded as his glares
sharpened. Dahan-dahan siyang umiling sa 'kin. I only smiled at him to assure him
that I'll be fine left alone here.

With Adonis...the guy I love, who made me feel things, who made me happy...and the
one who also broke my heart.

Kaya ko 'to. I've experienced far worse heartbreaks than this one.

This is easy. I can deal with this. Sisiw. Gamay na gamay ko na ang mga ganitong
sitwasyon. Sanay na sanay na ako. Wala namang bago.

It's scary and sad at the same time that I am already getting used to this
seemingly eternal pain. I feel like I'm going to turn numb and emotionless in the
future.

It just never ends, huh?

"Babalik ako,"nagbabantang sabi ni Diesel bago kami iwanan. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa
aking mga daliring pinaglalaruan ang isa't isa.

I guess it ends like this.

Is this the death of us?

Was that all a dream? Is it time to finally wake up?

Walang umiimik sa 'min ni isa pagkaalis na pagkaalis ni Diesel. The silence was
deafening. Ngunit kahit na walang nagsasalita, pakiramdam ko'y nararamdaman ko na
lahat ng gusto niyang sabihin.

Sorry, of course. I didn't mean to break you like this, of course. Ano pa? It's not
you, it's me? Ganoon?

Adonis walked over in front of me. Nakatungo siya at ang parehas na kamay ay nasa
bulsa. I saw him wipe his eyes with his sleeves. Umiwas ako ng tingin.

Umihip ang malamig na hangin. Mabuti na lang at suot ko ang coat ni Diesel. I
shuddered when the cold material of the necklace felt icy against my skin.

Kinapa ko iyon. Kailangan ko ba itong ibalik?

But...I don't want to. Even if it's just a short time with him, I was happy. He
made me happy. He made me feel loved. Kahit na hiram ko lang pala siya. Kahit na
kailangan ko na pala siyang isauli ngayon mismo.

Is it bad that I want to keep this one? To keep his gifts? His hand-drawn
portraits? His comfortable shirts I love to wear when it's raining?

I don't want to forget. No matter how painful this is.

"C-Can I touch you?"

His voice broke. Pakiramdam ko'y maluluha akong muli sa pagkabasag ng boses niya. I
bit my quivering lips and nodded. Of course, Adonis.
This is the last.

Kung pwede lang kontrolin ang oras, pababagalin ko ang takbo nito para sa 'min.
I've always loved sunrises, but for now, I don't want to see it. Ayaw kong munang
matapos ang ngayon.

Ayaw ko munang bumalik sa realidad.

Pero kailangan.

Slowly, he sat beside me. Our knees touched. I closed my eyes with the slightest
contact of our skins. His arms carefully entangled to wrap around me.

God, forgive me for wanting his warmth. Forgive me for wanting him to cling like
this to me more. Forgive me for wanting him for myself.

"Bakit?" tanong ko. Hindi ko na napigilan ang umiyak muli. He tightened his careful
grip on me. Agad na nasapo ng aking mga palad ang aking mukha.

I don't want him to see this. I don't want him to see how much he's breaking me.

"Bakit, Adonis?" ulit ko. I heard his shaky breath directly on my left ear. He
nuzzled on my neck, I felt his warm tears dripping on my shoulders, seeping through
the lace material of my dress.

"Tell me how we first met." Tinapangan ko ang sarili. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay doon
talaga nagsimula lahat.

"Okay, sweetheart. I'll tell you. Just...give me a minute," putol-putol niyang saad
dahil sa marahang paghikbi.

"Emmarie called me that night. I was at Cho's dorm. She asked me to look for her
sister...dahil sabi raw ng landlady ay wala pa ito sa apartment niya."

Napapikit ako. So I really am the mistress here, huh? They were together all this
time.

I wonder how my sister will react if she'll know about this...but of course, she
must not. I can't risk breaking her heart.

"I saw you there. Drinking, and alone. I...didn't know how to approach since you
had no idea about my existence. That's why I just watched. Not until you started to
drunk walk on the busy street."

He heaved. My chest tightened by the way he's also breaking while holding me like
this.

"You have no idea about how hard it was for me to keep myself away from you. Kahit
noon pa...you were always that one girl who made me bend my principles. Even way
before Emmarie happened, you affected me in a way I couldn't explain. Hindi mo pa
ako kilala, unti-unti mo na akong binabaliw."

I inhaled sharply. Pinalis ko na ang mga natitirang luha.

Really now, Adonis? I thought you were good in Math. I didn't know you're good with
words, too. Para saan ang sinasabi mo ngayon?

You have a damned girlfriend...and it's my sister.

My heart aches just with the thought of attending the wedding...of my sister...and
the man I love.

Fuck. I'm still too weak for this.

"May girlfriend ka—"

"That's the fucking problem. The only problem I have! I thought I can just be
friends with you...pero hindi. I was selfish. Hindi ko magawang makuntento sa
ganoon na lang."

My fingers traced his arm. God, this hurts. Being held like this hurts, knowing
that this is probably going to be the last time.

"So you cheated on my sister," deklara ko. There's no need to sugarcoat this. I
know it very well. Mahirap lunukin ang realidad, pero wala akong magagawa. Iyon ang
totoo.

Nagkamali kami.

This love...it's just not for us. Not in this place. Not right now.

Maybe in another universe, this love will stand a chance.

"Remember the first time I was at your apartment? You were drunk as hell to
recognize colours. I didn't want to leave you there...but that would mean that I'm
giving in to what I really wanted. And what I reallywanted was wrong. It's a
temptation. It's a sin. It is to cheat on your sister—with you. I was so ready to
leave, Emmanuelle...pero alam mo ba kung ano'ng nangyari no'n?"

"Emmarie called and you snatched my phone. You made me choose between her and you.
You begged me to stay with you that day. You said you just want someone who'll
choose you over your sister."

I gasped. My head throbbed. Hindi ko alam kung totoo ang sinasabi niya ngunit wala
naman akong kakayahan na kumpirmahin iyon.

Was I that desperate since the beginning?

"At dahil alipin ako sa salita mo...ikaw ang pinili ko."

We stayed for more minutes in silence. Hanggang sa pakiramdam ko'y wala na akong
iiiyak. Wala akong lakas para magalit sa kaniya ngayong gabi. I don't want to be
mad at him tonight. Ito na ang huling pagkakataon na pagbibigyan ko siya sa gusto
niya. Huling pagkakataon na hahayaan ko ang sarili kong maniwala sa kaniya.

"Emmanuelle...it's you who I love. It's always been you."

That pulled me out of my trance. Malakas ang kabog ng aking dibdib sa gulat. Hindi
ko na alam kung ano ang pipiliin, at ano ang iintindihin. Will I listen to him, to
what my heart wants, or to what I think is right?

I immediately forced myself out of his grip. I looked at him, terrified. I shook my
head at him. He reached for my hand, almost falling on his knees as I pull it away.
He was determined to hold me; he won.

"Do not break my sister's heart, Adonis," mariin kong sabi habang pinipilit alisin
ang kaniyang kapit sa aking binti. The side of his head buried on my abdomen. I can
almost taste his begging, his desperation, his need. It's in the air.
But it's my family over everyone else. It's my sister above him. I would always
choose my sister's happiness over mine. She had him first. He is hers since the
beginning. I was just a mere temptation that he entertained.

Lahat ng hiniram ay kailangang isauli.

"We're over. Let's just pretend that none of these ever happened," malamig kong
sabi.

"WOW...THAT'S..."

I flashed Mirae a smile. Mabigat sa loob na balikan ang mga nangyari noon ngunit
alam kong kailangan niyang malaman dahil kaibigan ko na rin naman siya. Isa pa, it
felt really good to talk about it. Hindi naman ganoong katagal ang limang taon,
pero sapat na para maghilom ako.

"I know. A wild ride, it is," saad ko at inubos ang natitirang Martini. Ibinaba ni
Mirae ang kaniyang cocktail glass sa counter. There's still this look at her face:
a mixture of confusion, regret, and shock.

"Wala ka bang balita?" tanong niya. Pinigilan kong matawa sa weird niyang Tagalog
accent.

Mirae Lim is half-Pinay and half-Korean. Nagkakilala lang kami dahil sa isang
project sa fashion runway. She's the head arts director for my first project here
in New York. Kinalaunan ay sa magazines naman kami naging magkatrabaho. We weren't
really close before...but that's how all friendship starts, right?

"I stopped talking to them. Every single one...even my friends," malungkot kong
sabi. I didn't bother opening any social media accounts after deactivating all of
it before flying here. Kahit for work ay 'di ako gumagawa kaya madalas na naiinis
si Mirae sa 'kin sa hirap ko raw contact-in. The only thing I have is my website.
Kahit e-mails ko ay hindi nakalagay doon. Binibigay ko lang iyon sa mga personal na
mag-aapproach. I cut ties with everyone. And by everyone, as in lahat.

No Vivian. No Raven. No Adira. No Diesel. Wala ni isa.

Sumimangot si Mirae. Kitang-kita ko ang panghihinayang sa kaniyang mukha. I thought

it was a stereotype for Koreans to look like dolls, at nakabase lamang sa
ridiculous na beauty standards nila kaya ganito ang hitsura ni Mirae...pero hindi
pala siya nag-effort para magmukhang ganiyan. She's a natural beauty—paper white
akin, soft round eyes, small pinkish lips, and a feminine nose. She was born in the
Philippines, grew up in Korea but spent her teenage years here in New York.

"Why did you tell me this just now?" tanong niya. Pinaikot ko ang high-chair at
sumandal sa counter.

"It's nice to reminisce," sagot ko. My heart thumped wildly on my chest. Pakiramdam
ko'y sobrang klaro pa rin ng mga pinagdaanan ko sa Pinas.

Nilingon ko siya. She arched her straight brow. Umiling-iling lamang ako at umiwas
muli ng tingin. Pumalatak siya at naramdaman ko ang nail extensions niya sa aking
buhok.

"You should dye your hair peach next time. Bubblegum pink looks good on you, but
orangey hues might be better," she blabbered, dropping off the previous topic. I
bit my lower lip and looked at her again.
"I-I'm going home tomorrow...."

Her eyes widened. Her cocktail glass stopped mid-air. Inagaw ko iyon sa kaniya.
It's just a lady's drink—matamis.

"OMG! Really? Have you prepared? Ready ka na ba?" nagpa-panic niyang tanong.

Pinag-isipan ko ang kaniyang tanong. Umiling ako.

I wish I am ready for this, Mirae. That's all I ever wanted—to forget, to heal, to
be better, to feel alive again.

"I think the fuck not," I breathed at my own misery.

☽☾

Chapter 29

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti27
chapter twenty-seven

"SO YOU PURSUED Arts?" tuwang-tuwang tanong ni Emmarie sa akin.

Wala sa sarili akong tumango. Nang mapansin ang pag-aalala sa mga mata niya ay
umayos ako ng upo at pinakitaan ng kaunting sigla ang kilos ko. I saw how relief
crossed her eyes when I did that. God, I should really act normal in front of her.
But how can I? Lalo na't kinakain ng guilt ang sistema ko. It's all in the past
now. I can just forget about it...right? Itatago ko na lang iyon kay Emmarie kaysa
masaktan ko pa siya. At hindi na naman iyon mauulit.

What's the point of telling her, right? She's fine. She's fine with him.

And I'm fine here, too—alone and healing. At least, I like to believe I'm trying.

"Ayos ka lang ba?" tanong niya. I mentally sighed and forced out a smile. Sumimsim
ako sa kape upang maibaling sa iba ang atensyon. Emmarie's eyes are too gentle and
kind. Lalo lang akong kinakain ng konsensya kapag nakikita ko siya. Lagi kong
naaalala iyong mga nangyari.

Dad pulled some strings behind my back to get this one week break from school. Sa
totoo lang ay nagpapasalamat ako sa ginawa niya. I'm not sure if I'm ready to see
him within campus premises. Isa pa, hindi rin ako sigurado sa sasabihin ng mga
kaibigan ko. I'm pretty sure Diesel told them already. I just hope that they'll
keep their promise. I don't want any more violence. It's tiring to deal with those.

"Ikaw? You're going to continue studying here?" tanong ko pabalik. I removed my

slippers and shifted on my seat. Niyakap ko ang tuhod ko habang nakaupo. We're up
early and we decided to stay at Mom's garden. Mahangin at kalmado ang atmospera.
The flowers were vibrant and the sky was muted.

She munched on her doughnut. "Oo, but I'm going to be one semester late or
something. Ewan ko rin, bahala na," aniya at nagkibit-balikat.

I nodded, unsure of what to say next. Hindi naman talaga kami awkward ni Emmarie,
ngunit kasalanan ko kaya ganito. I mean...sino bang hindi magi-guilty? I hate
cheaters to death, pero hindi ko naman akalaing ganito ang mangyayari sa 'min at
ganoong tao pala siya.

"Matagal na ba kayo ni...what's his name? Ansel?" she asked and raised one of her
softly done brows at me.

I inhaled sharply. Right. Noong isang gabi ay sabi ni Diesel na siya ang boyfriend
ko. I knew he just saved me from embarrassment, and he knew that I didn't have
enough time to think of an excuse to my father, ngunit ako naman ang nahihirapang
ilusot 'to ngayon. There's no way Diesel and I can be more than just friends! It
felt like taboo! Sigurado akong ganoon din naman ang iniisip niya.

Ngayon ay hindi ko alam kung paano iyon babawiin. I mean, I can just say that we
broke up. Kailan? Noong gabing 'yon. The reason? He's engaged to someone else, a
fixed one. O 'di ba, ang gandang storya. Very heartbreaking. Realistic. Dad will
buy that story in a snap.

Or...I can simply tell them that Diesel is not my boyfriend, and that I really
don't have one.

Hindi ko na rin talaga alam. Me being in a relationship with Diesel is already a

lie. Do I need to lie again to get out of it?

Kaya siguro hindi ako nilulubayan ng karma ko, e. Sinungaling kasi ako.

"Diesel. He uses Ansel for the formal gatherings," paliwanag ko. She nodded.
Kumikinang ang mata niya na mukhang interesado pa. I am so notliking this.

Hirap na hirap na nga ako, kukwestiyunin pa ako?

"When did you first meet?" tanong niya, may multo ng ngiti sa labi. I chewed on my
lower lip as I thought of an answer.

"When you left," simple kong sabi. Hindi maiwasan na mabahiran ng pagkalungkot
iyon. It's true, though. I met Diesel when they left. I met Diesel at the brink of
death.

The sparkling on her eyes vanished. Unti-unting pumungay ang kaniyang maaamong
mata. I shifted on my seat again and wore my slippers. Emmarie's still overly
dramatic about it. I don't think she'll ever forgive herself if I tell her more
about what happened when they left. She might be too harsh on herself.

I know she's dealing with pressure, too. From everyone else, maybe some from
father, but mostly from herself. She's always been near perfection. I'm sure it's a
struggle to keep her reputation that way. People are already expecting a lot from
her.

Marami na siyang isipin, sigurado ako. Hindi na ako para dumagdag doon. She'll
blame herself for leaving me behind here, for not telling Dad about that pedophile,
and for not being with me when I needed her the most. I don't want her to blame
herself. Emmarie's too soft and fragile for the harshness of this reality. She does
not deserve the wrath of the universe.

"It's okay. I'm fine now...kalimutan na natin 'yon," saad ko para maibsan ang
bumibigat na tensyon.

Kalimutan na natin 'yon, Emmarie. Damn. The double-meanings are killing me. I saw
her heave a sigh before nodding.

"H-He's friends with Vivian's brother. Tanda mo pa ba 'yon?" tanong ko. She craned
her neck upwards as if thinking of an answer. Mayamaya ay ibinaba niya muli ang
tingin sa akin.

"'Yong senior na basagulero?" tanong niya. I scoffed at her innocent tone, pero iba
ang in-iimply ng mensahe niya.

Wow, ha. Hindi talaga malinis ang reputasyon ng mga kabigian ko. "Yes, that guy—
Raven," I said, emphazing Raven's name. Sa dami ng pwedeng maalala ni Emmarie sa
kaniya, iyon pa talagang pagiging basagulero niya. Hindi ba pwedeng iyong nagdadala
lagi ng payong sa 'kin 'pag wala akong dala? Iyong tagabili ng lunch namin ni
Vivian?

"So...we miraculously clicked after meeting," saad ko, half-lie and half-truth.
Totoo namang naging magkasundo kami agad ni Diesel, but not in a romantic way that
Emmarie's probably thinking right now.

Pumalatak ako dahil mukhang tuwang-tuwa na siya sa maikling kwentong iyon. At dahil
wala akong choice, kailangan kong umisip ng bagong topic. Unfortunately, my mind
isn't really functioning so well at the moment.

"Hmm. Ikaw? Kayo?" tanong ko, huli na dahil hindi ko na mababawi iyon.

My heart broke a little when I saw how Emmarie's mood and aura shifted. It's in her
eyes. She loveshim. Hindi na kailangang pahabain ang litanya. Mahal niya na. Bakit
pa ako eekstra?

Maybe it's going to be a little secret between him and me, huh. Ibabaon ko na lang
siguro sa hukay iyon.

Will I ever move on from him, though? Para kasing sobrang bilis ng lahat. We were
happy. We were sohappy. Iyong wala na kaming hahanapin pa. We understood each
other, and I like to believe that he actually loved me, too.

Wala man lang kaming cool-off phase. Masaya kami, e. Okay naman kami. Hindi kami
nag-away. Ugh. The thought that we had sex the morning of the revelation suddenly
makes me want to vomit. I felt so low. Kahit hindi ko naman alam na may girlfriend
siya. Damn, I had sex with my twin's boyfriend!

But it's over now, right? Thanks to my pride, I'm the one who broke up with him.
Technically. Kahit siya iyong nanindak.

"I met Ayeon way back high school! We're high school sweethearts!" she exclaimed,
smiling from ear to ear. Her naturally rosy cheeks glowed even more with the soft
sunlight grazing her skin.

Tangina.

Ang sakit n'on, ah?

I nodded, urging her to continue although all I wanted was for her to shut up. I
was never a bitch to my sister. Pwedeng awayin ko si Vivian, pero si Emmarie,
hinding-hindi. Hindi naman niya ako binibigyan ng rason para magalit sa kaniya.

Wala naman talaga akong dapat ikagalit kay Emmarie. Sa totoo lang, siya ang may
karapatang magalit sa 'kin.

"He...was really intimidating at first. Always on his books and a few friends."

I scoffed. Napalingon tuloy siya sa akin. I just waved to let her continue talking.
What she just said really sounded like Adonis.

Puno pa rin ng lungkot ang sistema ko, at panghihinayang na alam kong hindi dapat.
What if we met earlier? What if he approached me before? Ganito pa rin ba sana
kami?

But then again, tapos na 'yun, e. Nagsasayang lang ako ng oras kaiisip sa mga
ganoong bagay dahil alam kong hindi ko kayang ibalik ang oras.

Nakakapagod din maging malungkot. At dahil sa pride kong hindi magpapatalo, mas
pipiliin ko na lang na magalit ngayon. At least, being angry is less stressful for
me.

Tangina ni Adonis. Tangina niya talaga. Pinipilit kong isiksik sa isip ko na galit
ako sa kaniya. Deserve niya naman ang galit ko. Paano na lang kung hindi ako ang
babaeng pinagsabay niya kay Emmarie? Edi sigurado akong sumugod na ako sa babaeng
'yon at baka kinalbo ko na.

"It wasn't difficult to like him, you know?" aniya at sinalubong ako ng mapupungay
niyang mata.

I know, Emmarie. I know it very well.

"Mabait, malambing..."

Do I really need to hear this? Bakit ba kasi iyon ang unang tanong na lumabas sa
bibig ko!

"He's smart and witty, too. A lot of girls wanted him. Tapos, ang dami pang maganda
sa Senior High department.... What were we? Grade 9? Tapos parang mas gusto lang
niya 'yong mga mature na, kaya akala ko wala talaga akong tsansa noon,"

Nakita ko ang panlalaki ng mata ni Emmarie nang isubo ko nang buo 'yong doughnut.
Kahit na nabubulunan na ako dahil punong-puno ang bibig ko'y wala akong pakialam. I
just nodded to tell her to continue. I need to stuff my mouth to stop myself from
saying things. Baka mamaya e madulas pa ako.

Halata ang pagtataka sa kaniyang mukha ngunit natawa na lamang siya. "Well, Grade
10 came and you know I liked Kuya Archer," She threw me a side-glance. Umirap
lamang ako. The mere mention of that name makes me want to vomit my guts out.
"But...I found myself coming back to him."

Tangina.

Parang may sumasaksak sa katawan ko kada may sasabihin siya. Parang may sumasampal
sa 'kin at pinapamukha iyong kagagahang nagawa ko.

"We had no labels when we were in Grade 11...but it was okay with me."

Naubos ko na iyong doughnut at sumakit ata ang panga ko. Iyan na. Patapos na ata
ang kwento. Thank fuck!

"I promised to give him the label when we come home...and here we are now."

I faked a laugh. "Congrats," saad ko ngunit mabilis na tinikom ang bibig bago pa
man niya mahalata ang pagkabasag ng boses ko.

Namanhid ata ang pisngi ko sa imaginary na sampal ng realidad. I asked for this. I
needed this. I need to remind myself that Emmarie doesn't deserve to be cheated on.
She's too good for this world. I need her presence to remind me that what I did was
wrong.

"What are my girls doing here this early?"

Parehas kaming napalingon kay Dad. He sat next to me. May sarili siyang tasang
hawak na galing siguro sa loob. Emmarie wiggled her brows at me when Dad sat beside
me. Napangiti naman ako roon.

See? What's not to like about her?

And this...this is what I only need—my family. Hindi ko 'to para sirain dahil lang
sa lalaki.

"Catch up lang, Dad," sagot ko at kumuha ulit ng isang buong doughnut.

I literally put it inside my mouth, the whole fucking thing. Napansin ko ang
panlalaki ng mata ni Dad na parang natakot ata sa ginawa ko. Parehas na parehas
sila ng hitsura ni Emmarie.

Yes, Dad. After leaving me here for three years without notice, I learned a new
talent! Aren't you proud that your daughter can shove a whole doughnut inside her
mouth without gagging?

"I'll just go inside, and continue unpacking," saad ni Emmarie at tumayo. I know
what she's trying to do. She wants me and Dad to finally have our talk.

Nang makaalis si Emmarie ay natahimik kaming mag-ama. Hindi naman sa awkward. It's
the light type of silence. Us, not talking like this, is enough. Parang nag-uusap
na kami kahit hindi naman. Maybe it's in our pulse, our heartbeats. I am still made
from his flesh and bones.

"How's school?" tanong ni Dad.

"Okay lang naman po," sagot ko. Saglit akong natakot na baka ayaw niya sa kurso ko.

"Visual Comm, right? You wanna work for magazines? Maybe you can take something
advertising related if you want to work for the company...or do you want to stick
to painting? Start a gallery?"

The corners of my lips rose with his words. He did not say it directly, but his
statements implied that he accepted my choice. Noon pa lang kasi ay pinagpipilitan
niya na sa amin na dapat business-related ang course namin. When he left and I was
given a chance to live again because of Diesel, I made sure to make myself happy by
deciding for myself. Hence, I ended up landing on the Fine Arts department. To art,
where my heart really belongs. My soul screams for colours and beginnings. I am a
creative, not the type who can work with financial management and statistics of a
business.

"Or are you venturing to the fashion side? We can plan for your flight to Paris if
you want to study Fashion Designi—"

"Dad," pigil ko sa kaniya at saglit na natawa. His brows shot up at that. "Okay
lang po ako. I'm still on my second year. I'll figure things out in time, okay?"

I reached out for his hand. Pagod siyang tumango.

"About...about that boyfriend of yours..."

Nasapo ko ang noo. I really need to tell Dad that Diesel's not my boyfriend. The
thought of it makes me cringe. I see that guy as a brother!

"Do you really like the guy? O dahil lang ba sa Villaecija siya kaya siya ang
napili mo? I don't really mind if you...like someone not involved in the business
field. You don't have to worry about my preferences anymore."

Natigilan ako sa kaniyang sinabi. He was carefully observing me with his chinky
eyes. Napaayos ako ng upo. What he said right now is in my favour!

"Actually, he's not my boyfriend," pag-amin ko. Tumaas ang kaniyang kilay doon at
pinanliitan ako ng mata, kung may ililiit pa ba 'yung singkit niyang mata.

"I'm sorry. He's actually just...a friend," paliwanag ko. Dad nodded.

Mukhang hindi naman big deal sa kaniya iyon dahil akala niya siguro'y sinadya
naming magpanggap ni Diesel noong isang gabi dahil para iyon sa approval niya. But
in reality, ni wala kaming plano ni Diesel na magpanggap.

"So wala ka pang naging boyfriend? Even when we're gone?" pang-uusisa niya, ngayon
ay nahihimigan ko na ang pagkastrikto ng boses, iyong pagiging ama niya.

I smiled bitterly. "Wala po," sagot ko na lang.

"Kahit manliligaw? I swear, I'm not going to get mad...."

Natawa ako sa kaniyang sinabi. "Wala nga talaga, Dad."

Kumunot ang kaniyang noo. "Hindi ako naniniwala. You're the spitting image of your
mother. And believe me, sobrang haba ata ng pila ng manliligaw ng Mom mo noon."

Malungkot siyang ngumiti. The topic about Mom's death is still very sensitive.
Pare-parehas ata kaming hindi kakayaning maka-move on doon. Mom acted as the bond
of our family. Kahit na magkakaiba kaming tatlo ng opinyon at prinsipyo, pare-
parehas kaming tiklop kay Mom. She's the one who keeps the family in tact. No
wonder we splited apart when she left.

"But she can't resist your charms, huh?" saad ko para maibsan ang tensyon. Dad
slumped back on his seat and sighed.

"Lahat ata ng manliligaw niya noon, mayayaman. Nakakapangliit, sa totoo lang. Hindi
kasi talaga ako magastos noon. Lagi ata s'yang may hawak na bulaklak bago umuwi.
Pasensyahan na lang sila dahil ako ang pinili ni Eleonora," aniya at bahagyang
natawa.

"Alam mo 'yon? Lahat kasi sila tsokolate, bulaklak, may paharana sa gabi, love
letters. E, hindi naman ako sweet na tao."

I chuckled just by imagining Dad doing sweet things. Hindi kasi showy si Dad
pagdating sa nararamdaman niya.

"Ang una kong regalo sa kaniya, school supplies bago magpasukan. Isang box ng
ballpen. Habang 'yong iba puro magagarbong bagay. Sumunod, alarm clock kasi lagi
siyang late. Tapos, isang box ng band-aid kasi clumsy 'yong nanay mo at lagi siyang
nasusugatan sa school nung high school pa kami. Ano'ng binatbat ng mga bulaklak
nila? 'Tsaka bakit ba nila binibigyan ng bulaklak si Eleonora? Aanhin naman niya
'yon, 'di ba?"

I bit my lip to suppress my laughter. Seryosong-seryoso kasi si Dad sa pagkukwento

at naririnig ko pa ang selos niya kahit matagal na iyong mga nangyari.

I guess this was what Mom saw in him, huh? Lagi kong tinatanong noon kung bakit si
Dad ang pinili niya. I've always looked at my Dad as a cold and strict person. Mom
was the opposite. Kaya hindi ko mawari ano'ng nagustuhan nya kay Dad dati.

"You opted for cheap yet practical gifts before, but you spent almost a million
just for our clothes for that party?" sarkastiko kong sabi. Nagkibit-balikat lamang
si Dad.

"Iyong mga hindi ko ginastos para kay Eleonora, siguro'y iniipon ko 'yon para sa
inyo. Besides, my girls deserve to look expensive that night. Don't worry, next
time mas mura na ang ipabibili ko para hindi ka nanghihinayang."

I scoffed. Mas mura? Ano kaya ang depinisyon ng tatay ko sa ganoon?

"Like what?"

Inubos niya ang kaniyang kape. "I don't know. Wala akong alam sa brand ng damit.
Maybe Gucci? Burberry? What do you think?"

I facepalmed. Humalakhak naman si Dad sa sarili niyang birong 'di naman nakatatawa.
And he considers Gucci as cheap now, huh?

He tousled my hair. "Iyong music box ang pinakamagarbo kong regalo sa kaniya,
pinakamahal din. Nasa 'yo 'yon, 'di ba?" tanong niya. I nodded. Naiwan ko iyon sa
apartment.

I heaved a deep sigh as I remembered something about that music box. Dad's
phonograph and The Beatles' vinyl. The soft knocks of rainwater. Thick sheets and
his warmth. Napapalatak ako. I think I should get out of that apartment. Marami
lang akong maaalala.

"That reminds me of something. May pupuntahan po pala ako," saad ko at tumayo. He

frowned.

"Really? Is this what I get for being too busy? Kapag ako na ang may oras ay ang
mga anak ko naman ang wala?" nagtatampo niyang sabi.

Umiling lamang ako. I kissed Dad's cheek.

"Saglit lang po ako. I'll be back by lunch," sabi ko. "Besides, Emmarie's here."

Lalong lumalim ang simangot niya. "But her boyfriend's going to be here later, too.
I'm alone, kid. You know what? I change my mind. 'Wag ka pala munang mag-boyfriend.
I'm gonna be left alone—"

"Dad," putol ko sa dire-diretso iyang pagsasalita. He chuckled again.

"Just kidding, Vesper. Go now," aniya at ngumiti.

Mabilis akong nagpalit ng damit sa kwarto. My eyes drifted to my box of necklaces,

and the velvet angel-shaped box beside it. Mabigat ang loob ko na hinagip iyon,
only to end up putting it inside my cabinet.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I reached for the pearl necklace Dad gave me when I was 14. I looked at myself in
front of the mirror. It's weird to see me wearing something else than that gold
necklace. Pero kailangan. I need to get used to this.

I won't be a slave to my emotions. I am so much stronger than this. This is for my

sister. My family. For him. Most importantly, for myself. Kunwari na lang ay walang
nangyari. Fake it 'til you make it, right?

Saglit na binagabag ako ng mga sinabi ni Dad. Adonis is going here for lunch? But
he has classes. Next week pa ang huling araw ng klase bago ang Christmas break.
Pero bahala na siya. Wala na akong pakialam kung ano'ng gagawin niya sa buhay niya.

Hindi na ako nagpahatid patungo sa apartment. I texted our landlady that I will be
leaving and that she can keep the two months advanced payment that I gave her since
matatagalan naman bago ko maalis lahat ng gamit ko roon.

Pagkarating ko ay una kong kinuha ang music box ni Mom at sinilid 'yon sa bag na
dala. Maybe I can ask Kuya Edu to get the other things here. Lalo na itong
phonograph dahil baka magasgasan 'pag nag-commute ako.

I opened my closet and tossed all of my clothes inside the big eco-bag that I
bought. Mabilis ang kilos ko dahil sa pakiramdam na nanghihina ako sa bawat
segundong lumilipas.

My chest constricted. It seems like I can still smell his scent inside this room.
Putangina. Ang sakit pa rin kahit tanggap ko na.

I stared at the pile of his shirts on one corner of my closet. What do I do with
these? Sunugin ko kaya 'to?

Kung hindi lang mamahalin at branded ang damit niya, at kung hindi lang ako
marunong manghinayang sa pera, baka nga sinunog ko na 'yon kahit walang permiso
niya. Maybe I'll just donate these. Hindi ko talaga alam pa'no isasauli iyon sa
kaniya.

Hinayaan ko na lamang iyon doon. Babalikan ko na lang siguro next week at ibibigay
kay Cho. Rosseau is scared of me, anyway. Tatakutin ko na lang siya at uutusang
siya ang magbalik n'on.

Pagkatapos ilagay lahat ng damit ko sa bag, at ang music box, ay naglinis muna ako.
Para naman sa susunod na balik ko dito, kukuhanin na lang ang mga gamit at 'di na
mag-aalwas pa.

Humigpit ang kapit ko sa isang envelope kung nasaan ang mga drawings ko sa kaniya.
I don't want to burn these. Pinaghirapan ko ito. I'm speaking as an artist, not as
a past lover with a bitter heart.

Ibenta ko kaya sa kaniya? Or to his fangirls? Or to Emmarie? Pinaglaanan ko pa rin

ito ng oras. Ibinuhos ko pa rin ang talento ko sa paggawa ng mga 'to.
Nakapanghihinayang kung itatapon o susunugin ko lang.

Saka, bakit itong drawing pa ang susunugin ko, e hindi naman ako sa kanila galit?
Pwede namang 'yong tao na lang.

I shook my head with my morbid thoughts. Inilagay ko na sa salas iyong mga iuuwi ko
sa susunod na maghakot ng gamit. After that, I locked everything before getting out
of there. Even the kitchen counter reminded me of something.

BANDANG ALAS ONSE ay nakauwi na agad ako. Ate Krizel helped me with the bag of my
clothes. Naningkit ang mata ko nang makita ang dalawang pamilyar na sasakyan sa
labas. Both of the roofs were folded.
I stopped in front of the two cars. Seriously? I just want to eat my lunch in
peace, and with Dad and Emmarie. Can't everyone else just leave us three alone?

I scoffed at the Range Rover Evoque Convertible. Tinadyakan ko ang gilid nito sa
inis sa may-ari nito. Makakuha lang ako ng chance, pati may-ari tatadyakan ko na
rin.

And what the hell is a white Porsche 718 Boxster doing here? Imposible namang nag-
drive 'to mag-isa papunta dito. Malinis na malinis ito at dahil badtrip ako,
inangat ko ang boots ko at inapak sa gilid nito. Namantiyahan ang kumikinang at
makinis na puting exterior nito. Diesel's gonna kill me once he sees this; I don't
mind dying.

Dumiretso ako sa dining room at naroon nga sila. Napalingon ako kay Diesel na
kinakausap ang ama ko. Napangisi ako. Akala siguro niya'y pinanindigan ko iyong
pagiging mag-jowa namin.

"Hi, Dad," saad ko at humalik sa kaniyang pisngi. Hindi ko tinapunan ng tingin si

Adonis na siyang katabi ni Emmarie. I kissed my sister on the cheeks, too.

Nilahad ni Diesel ang kaniyang braso. He smirked. "Ako, wala?"

I rolled my eyes at him. Hinampas ko sa kaniya iyong maliit kong handbag. "Dad
already knows," bulong ko. Natigilan siya at nilingon ang tatay kong nakangising
aso sa kaniya.

"And you didn't tell me?"bulong pabalik ni Diesel. I laughed. Sinamaan niya ako ng
tingin.

"Excuse me lang po, may pag-uusapan lang kami,"saad ni Diesel at basta-basta akong
hinila paalis do'n. Binitiwan niya ako sa may salas.

"Sinabi mo na?" he asked. Simple akong tumango.

Nasapo niya ang kanyang noo. "Fuck, kaya pala kanina pa siya tawa nang tawa kahit
wala akong ginagawa! I was playing the boyfriend role, Emma! Hindi mo naman
sinabing...break na tayo," aniya at natawa mismo sa huli niyang sinabi. Nagkibit-
balikat ako at hinila siya pabalik sa dining.

"Dad's cool with it."

Diesel covered his face when we returned. Mapang-asar na tumawa si Dad sa kaniya.
May tinatago rin palang hiya itong kaibigan ko.

"What are you taking, Adonis?" tanong ni Dad habang kumakain kami. I saw how Diesel
glared at him kaya naman sinipa ko iyong binti niya sa ilalim ng mesa.

"Civil Engineering po, currently on my fourth year," pormal na sagot nung isa. It
was a mistake to glance at him because I caught him looking at me. Inirapan ko
lamang siya. Tinitingin-tingin mo riyan?

Focus on your girlfriend, Adonis.

"Ikaw?" Pumaling si Dad kay Diesel. Hindi na ako nag-abalang mag-angat ng tingin sa
takot na magkatinginan ulit kami.

"Archi po, but I'm currently working, too," saad niya. Kumunot ang noo ko at
nilingon siya. He only winked at me. Ang alam ko'y wala ngang ginagawa sa buhay ang
isang 'to!

"Work? Really? Sa firm niyo?" Dad sounded too interested.

"Nope. I'm your daughter's bodyguard. I smash faces," aniya at ngumisi, tila ba
tuwang-tuwa sa sarili niyang dark humour. Umiling lamang ako. Tumaas ang kilay ni
Dad sa kaniya.

"You sure he isn't your boyfriend, Vesp—"

"Dad, hindi nga po," pagputol ko sa kaniyang sasabihin. Si Diesel ay nanginginig na

sa pagpipigil ng tawa. He really is enjoying this.

"Okay. But just in case, know that I approve of him, okay?"

Inakbayan pa ako ni Diesel. Hinampas ko nang malakas ang braso niya. Emmarie was
smiling at us. Si Dad naman ay mukhang walang problema.

"Sorry, Sir. My heart's taken already."

Napalingon ako kay Diesel. My eyes widened. He was smirking at my father. Bumaba
ang tingin niya sa akin at bahagyang kumunot ang noo ngunit nakangiti pa rin. Wala
naman siyang naiku-kwento!

"What? Am I not allowed to fall in love?" tanong niya.

Nilingon ni Emmarie si Adonis. Hindi sinasadyang napadako rin ang tingin ko sa

kaniya. He was staring at me, at the spot near the spaces in between my
collarbones. Wala sa sarili ko tuloy na itinago ang pearl pendant ng kwintas na
suot ko.

"You know Emmanuelle, right? Magkaibigan na naman siguro kayo?"Emmarie's sweet tone
filled the room.

Kinurot ko ang hita ni Diesel dahil mukhang gusto niyang mag-react. Pinanlakihan ko
siya ng mata.

"Yes, I know her," sagot ni Adonis.

Pumaling sa 'kin si Emmarie, may ngiti pa rin ang mga labi. "That's great! Then, we
can bond together! Right, sis?"

Hindi ko napigilan ang mapangiwi. Seriously? I've had enough of this. I don't want
to get involved anymore.

"Uhm..."

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot. Unti-unting napalitan ng pagtataka ang mukha
ng aking kakambal. Dad looked at me raised his brow, too. Narinig ko ang mahinang
pagmumura ni Diesel na mukhang nadarama rin niya ang hirap ng sitwasyon na 'to sa
'kin.

"Sure.Of course. Why not?" saad ko at ngumisi. Napapalakpak naman si Emmarie sa

tuwa. Nilingon ko si Adonis na mariing pumikit.

Don't worry, Adonis. This is hard for me, too.

☽☾
Chapter 30

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti28
chapter twenty-eight

"HALA, MISS ELLIE! Napaano ka po?" tanong ni Ate Krizel habang hinahagod ang aking
likuran. Inalalayan niya akong tumayo at maglakad pabalik sa aking kama. Ugh. Yuck.
Nalalasahan ko pa iyong sinuka ko.

"I'm fine, Ate," agap ko dahil kitang-kita ko ang pagpa-panic sa kaniyang mukha.
Kinapa ng likod ng kaniyang palad ang aking leeg. I feel really sick, but I don't
feel warm. I feel lightheaded. Hindi ko alam kung dahil lang ba 'to sa kinain ko
kagabi o ano.

"Ang pula niyo, Ma'am!" exaggerated na saad niya. Natawa lamang ako sa kaniya. Our
handmaidens are always like this. Palibhasa'y parehas overprotective ang parents
namin ni Emmaire, nahawa na ata sila.

Natanaw ko si Ate Mina sa siwang ng pinto ng kwarto. She knocked softly before
entering. Napababa ang tingin ko kay Yohan na gumagapang sa sahig ng kwarto. I
chuckled when he couldn't grip my bed post. Ang cute!

"Ito...nag-inom ka ba kagabi?" tanong ni Ate Mina. Inilapag niya sa lamesita ang

isang mangkok. Umirap lamang ako nang pabiro sa kaniyang sinabi, naalala iyong
unang hangover ko dahil napilit ni Vivian na magkaroon ng inuman noong 17th
birthday niya. That was the fucking worst. Parang tinitibag ang bungo ko at may
pumipisil sa utak ko. Tatlong araw ata akong absent noon dahil panlalata.

"It's just wine, Ate. Hindi ko alam kung naka-ilan ako. Hindi ko naman pwedeng iwan
si Dad na walang kakwentuhan. Isa pa, tulog agad si Emmarie sa pangalawang inom
niya," paliwanag ko.

"E baka bumababa na rin ang tolerance mo!" pangaral niya. Natawa na lamang ako. I
brushed my hair with my fingers, tapos ay inilahad kay Yohan na nakatayo sa gilid
ng kama. Hindi pa siya nakakatayo at lakad kaya naman nakakapit siya nang maigi sa
kutson ko. I carefully lifted him and sat him on my lap. Natuwa ako nang maamoy ang
baby powder.

"Kumain ka muna," sita ni Ate Mina. I ignored her. Hinipan ko ang kutsarang may
crab and corn soup at inilapit sa bibig ni Yohan. I giggled more when he ate. Ang
cute! Ang taba ng pisngi!

"Wala po akong sakit," saad ko nang pinilit ipitin ni Ate Krizel sa kilikili ko
iyong thermometer. Hinayaan ko na lang dahil parehas tumalim ang tingin nila sa
akin.

Nang tumunog iyon ay si Ate Mina ang kumuha. She sighed and nodded. See? Wala mga
akong sakit! Do I really look that bad this morning?

"Pwede pong dito muna si Yohan?" tanong ko. I used my charm to convince Ate Mina.
Kinunutan niya ako ng noo at pinitik ang akin.

"Pero ikaw ang kakain, ha? Kumain na 'yang bata kanina."

Tumango ako. I pulled the baby closer to me. Ate Mina sighed, again. Alam niya
naman kasing ako ang mananalo.
"Ang ganda siguro ng magiging anak mo, Ma'am," Ate Krizel said. Ngumiti lamang ko
sa kaniya. Yohan reached for a portion of my wavy hair and played it with his
hands. Na-hypnotize na ata ako ng bilugin at medyo malalaki nitong mata. Sobrang
amo!

"Walang pagmamanahan ng kapangitan ang anak n'yan, Krizel. Ang ganda kaya ni
Señora! Namana pa ni Ellie ang mukha. Saka mukhang may taste naman 'tong batang
'to. Sino nga ulit 'yong boyfriend mo?" Pumaling si Ate Mina sa 'kin.

Natigilan ako sa aking pwesto. I chewed on my lower lip and forced a smile.

"Wala akong boyfriend, Ate Mina. Kaibigan ko lang 'yong dinala ko dati. B-Boyfriend
ni Emmarie 'yon," I said like it wasn't a big deal. Mabuti na lang pala at hindi ko
diretsahang sinabi na boyfriend ko si Adonis noon. Talagang in-assume lang nila
dahil mukha naman talaga kaming magkasintahan noon. Kung hindi, nalintikan na.
Sigurado akong mag-iisip sila ng kung ano dahil nga boyfriend ni Emmarie 'yon.

Kumunot ang noo ni Ate Krizel. Si Ate Mina naman ay makahulugang tumingin sa 'kin.
She nodded like she understood. Pumaling siya sa anak.

"Dito ka muna kay Tita Ellie, 'nak, ha?" kausap niya rito na akala mo'y
naiintindihan na siya. She softly pinched her son's cheeks before turning to Ate
Krizel.

"Tara na, Krizel. Magluluto pa ako," saad niya. Bago sila umalis ay sumilip muli si
Ate Mina sa aming dalawa. I grabbed Yohan's hand and waved. Napangiti naman si Ate
Mina at umiiling-iling na umalis.

I finished the soup. Paminsan-minsa'y sinusubuan ko iyong bata. Nakailang halik na

ata ako sa pisngi niya dahil ang sarap sa pakiramdam. Amoy baby powder at iyong
matamis na shower gel! And the baby's warm!

Siguro'y tuwang-tuwa talaga ako sa bata dahil bihira ako makakita. I like babies no
matter how hard it is to take care of one. Mas gusto ko iyong ganitong edad lang
kaysa sa mga medyo matatanda na. Pasaway na kasi. 'Yung mga gano'n ay inaaway na
namin ni Vivian.

Inilapag ko muna si Yohan sa sahig dahil malinis naman iyon. Bumaba rin ako dala
ang comforter at naglabas ng kung ano-anong pwede niyang paglaruan.

My phone pinged. Inabot ko iyon at may mensahe si Vivian.

Vivian:
Early dismissal kami. Wanna go?

Napalingon ako sa isang sulok ng kwarto. May mga blangkong canvas na malalaki roon,
ngunit sa likod ay may isang plastik ng damit. I still haven't returned Adonis'
clothes.

Siguro'y dapat ko nang ibalik ngayon? I mean, I'll go to school by Monday, pero
baka mamaya e may makakita pa dito sa kwarto. Isa pa, simula sa susunod na linggo
ay paninindigan ko na talaga iyong pagtrato sa kaniya na parang hangin. I'll just
talk to him for the sake of Emmarie.

Emmanuelle:
Sure. I'll bring a kid.

Vivian:
Anak mo?

I scowled at my screen. Yohan was just playing with my hair while sitting on my
lap. Paborito niya na ata iyong buhok ko.

Emmanuelle:
Gago ka.

I tossed my phone back to the bed. Hindi ko na pinansin ang sumunod na tugon niya
roon.

Seems like they don't want to open up the topic about Adonis. At dahil nga isang
linggo akong hindi pumasok, pabor iyon sa kanila dahil malaya nila iyong napag-
uusapan nang sila-sila lang. I don't mind, though. Sigurado naman akong pare-
parehas lang silang anti-Adonis ngayon. Kung wala lang palabra de honor si Diesel,
baka naisugod na iyong si Adonis sa ospital noong gabing iyon mismo.

Still, I don't want Adonis to get beaten up. Emmarie's going to overreact. It's
going to stress her out. I'm not sure if Diesel and Raven are just gonna go easy on
him. I highly doubt it. Sigurado akong ang gagawin ng mga 'yan ay 'di nila
tutuluyan, babaldahin lang nila. That's their style. Sisiguraduhin nilang hindi
mamamatay, pero parang mamamatay na rin sila sa sakit.

I spent the next hour playing with the kid. Adik na adik na ata ako sa amoy nung
bata. 'Pag talaga baby pa, ang sarap pang lambingin at amuyin. 'Pag tumanda-tanda
na, ayaw na magpaamoy.

Biyernes ngayon at sigurado akong hanggang alas dos lang ang klase nina Vivian.
Wala naman ang crib ni Yohan sa kwarto ko kaya wala akong choice kung hindi ibalik
siya kay Ate Mina dahil kailangan kong maligo at magbihis.

I stared hard at my own reflection. Namumula ang leeg ko ngunit pakiramdam ko'y ang
putla naman ng mukha ko. I feel like I've gained weight in just a span of five
days. Palagi ba naman kasi akong pinapalamon ni Dad. He's always nagging Emmarie
and I to eat more. Para pating laging may papiyesta sa bahay sa dami ng pagkain
tuwing gabi.

Inayos ko ang aking buhok. I think I should get a haircut. It's not like I'm moving
on or something. Maybe, get some bangs? Dye my hair?

Sigurado akong iba ang iisipin ng mga kaibigan ko doon kaya 'wag na lang muna
siguro. They might think that I'm on their so-called moving on process. Sa totoo
lang, tanggap ko na naman talaga. My love for Emmarie is just too heavy relative to
what I felt for Adonis, kaya naman parang mabilis lang akong nag-adjust. Ang
tanging nasa isip ko na lamang ay ang mapasaya ang kapatid ko. Isa pa, totoo namang
ako ang nasa mali sa sitwasyong 'to.

I know how to recognize a losing game. I know when to quit. I know when to accept
defeat.

Since I'll be going to school, I wore some tight jeans and an even tighter plain
white shirt. Napanguso ako sa aking dibdib. Why the heck does it seem like it's
growing? Sabi, 'pag tumataba daw, ay lumalaki rin ito. So tumataba nga ako? I don't
know if it's a good thing or a bad one.

Nanatili ang kwintas na regalo sa 'kin ni Dad. I attached my dragon ear cuffs and
covered it with my hair. Sunod kong kinuha iyong Kanken at basta-bastang sinilid
doon ang damit ni Adonis. As much I don't want to bring a big bag since I'll be
carrying Yohan, wala rin naman akong choice. I don't want to have a separate bag.
Baka usisain pa iyon ni Kuya Edu.

Dad and Emmarie were eating snacks in the living room. Si Emmarie ay naka-laptop
habang si Dad ay prenteng nanonood ng TV. Ate Mina was fixing Yohan's jeans. Mabuti
nga't pinagkatiwala niya sa akin iyong anak niya.

"Saan ang punta mo?" tanong ni Dad, hindi inaalis ang tingin sa TV. It's weird to
see him not working. I grew up rarely seeing him in the living room. Lagi siyang
nasa study niya.

"School po," sagot ko at humalik sa kaniyang pisngi.

"Ikaw, Emmarie? Hindi ka sasama?" tanong ni Dad. Saglit akong natigilan.

Fuck. If Emmarie goes with me, paano ko isasauli iyong damit? Wala naman akong
matinong excuse kung bakit may halos sampu ata akong t-shirt ni Adonis sa bag ko.
Ano? Lagi akong naghihiram? I can't say na naiiwan sa apartment since that would
been Adonis is a frequent visitor of mine—which is actually true.

Pero hindi naman ako pwedeng sumingit ngayon at sabihin nang diretsahan na ayaw ko
siyang kasama.

I inhaled sharply before carrying Yohan. Inamoy ko ito at mas bumango na 'to
ngayon. God, I love the scent of kids.

"Hindi siya masusugatan, o makakagat ng lamok. Hindi rin 'to iiyak. Promise," saad
ko kay Ate Mina. Natawa lang siya sa akin.

I turned to face Emmarie. Kumunot ang noo ko nang mapansing nakatingin na pala siya
sa akin. She smiled at me before averting her gaze. Hindi ko alam kung sobrang
guilty pa rin ba ako kaya iba ang kutob ko doon.

"No, Dad. I'm checking other schools' courses and offered subjects," mahina niyang
sagot.

I blinked. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at nilingon si Dad.

"Alis na po ako," paalam ko. Dad just nodded at me. Pokus na siya sa panonood niya
kaya hindi na ako tiningnan muli. Good thing. Pakiramdam ko'y ang putla ko na ulit.

Nagpahatid kami kay Kuya Edu dahil sa batang kasama ko. Ayaw kong mapawisan 'to
masyado 'pag nag-commute. Mabuti nga't hindi ito maligalig. Mabilis lang na
sumasama si Yohan sa mga tao. Nasanay na siguro sa dami ng katulong na pinagpapasa-
pasahan siya sa bahay.

BAGO ALAS DOS ay nakarating na kami sa uni. I just showed the guard my ID so he'd
let me in the campus proper. Ngunit binigyan niya ako ng Visitor's Pass dahil baka
mapagkamalan akong nagka-cutting kahit na excused naman talaga ako. Sa bata ko na
lang isinuot 'yung Visitor's ID.

Nakailang saway ata ako kay Yohan dahil gustong-gusto niya ngatngatin 'yong ID,
bago ako makarating sa building namin. We just stayed in the ground floor. Sumilong
lang kami. Sinipat ko ang relos at mukhang marami pang oras para tumakbo ako sa
Engineering.

I simply texted Vivian that I'm already at the campus premises before going to the
Engineering Building. Ang tanong, ay kung may klase ba sila o ano. Ni hindi ko alam
kung may lockers ba ang Engineering students, kung meron ay doon ko na lang 'to
iiwan. I'm not even sure is Cho is present, or baka nasa gym dahil miyembro iyon ng
varsity, pero bahala na.

I showed my Visitor's ID to the guard in front of the building. Hindi ko alam kung
dahil ba wala akong make-up na suot kundi lipstick o dahil ba sa simple kong suot
kaya hindi niya ako makilala. He really thought I was a visitor and let me sign in
the log book. Sinunod ko na lang dahil sabi niya'y sasamahan daw ako kung saan ako
pupunta at siya mag-eexcuse sa estudyante dahil nga bisita ako.

Well, that's fair enough for me.

Umakyat kami sa second floor. Yohan was clinging to my neck. Sana naman ay hindi pa
siya inaantok.

"Dito lang po," saad ko at tumigil sa tapat ng room nila. Sarado ang pinto dahil
air conditioned ang classrooms. Malas ko na lang dahil nakababa ang kurtina at
hindi ko masilip ang mga tao sa loob.

The guard knocked on the door. Pinagbuksan siya ng isang gurong lalaki na medyo
matanda at nakasalamin. They talked for a moment before the professor turned his
gaze to me.

"Sige, Miss. Sinong hanap?" tanong nito.

"Rosseau Asistio," sagot ko. Good thing I now know his full name.

Pumaling ito sa classroom. "Cho!" sigaw nito sa loob. The guard gave me a salute
before leaving and I politely thanked him.

"May naghahanap sa'yo!" dugtong pa ng teacher.

"Sino po? Busy ako, Sir!" narinig kong sabi ni Cho sa loob. Napairap ako. Tanginang
'to. Patay siya sa 'kin paglabas niya.

Nilingon ako ng guro. Napakamot ito sa ulo nang mapatingin sa batang hawak ko.
Pumaling siya muli sa loob ng classroom.

"Kayo ha! Maging responsable kayo! Lalo na mga lalaki d'yan! 'Wag kayo puro pasarap
ha, dahil hindi kayo ang nagbubuntis!"

Bahagya akong natawa sa biglaan nitong pagle-lecture tungkol sa ganoon. He judged

me that quickly, huh? Akala niya siguro'y anak ni Cho ang batang 'to. And who's the
mother? Me? No way.

Pumaling siya muli sa akin. Umayos nang katawan niya si Yohan at napalingon rin sa
kaniya pabalik. Buti't hindi pa siya inaantok. I think sleeping kids are heavier, o
ako lang ang nag-iisip non.

"Miss, ikaw na ang tumawag. Sige na," aniya. Dahil mukhang kakampihan niya ako
dahil sa akala niyang naanakan ako ni Cho, ay hindi ko na lang itinama iyong maling
iniisip niya. He opened the door wider for me. I just stepped one of my feet inside
and leaned. Napansin ko ang panlalaki ng mata ng mga kaklase niya. Ang ilan sa
kanila ay kilala na ako. Bahala sila sa kung ano'ng iisipin nila. Tutal, hindi
naman sila ang ipinunta ko dito.

"Hello, Rosseau. Do you have a moment?" I asked and kept my voice sweet. Napansin
ko na nabitiwan ni Cho iyong hawak niyang ballpen ata. Nginitian ko siya ngunit
mabilis na tinaasan ng kilay, hoping that he'll get the message.

"S-Saglit lang," saad nito na natataranta. Pinalingan ko iyong nilingon niyang si

Adonis. He was staring at me but I gave him a cold expression. Sawang-sawa na ako
makipagplastikan sa kaniya nitong mga nakaraang araw.

"Bilisan mo, Asistio! 'Wag mong paghintayin 'yong babae!" sigaw ng guro nila. I
secretly laughed at that. Nagmamadali si Cho na pumunta sa direksiyon ko at
bahagyang hinila ang aking braso paalis doon.

"Mister Revillanes! Saan ka pupunta?!"

Napapikit ako sa lakas ng boses nito bago maisara ni Cho ang pinto. Mabilis ang
lakad namin ni Cho patungo sa may hagdanan.

"Anong kailangan mo ba?" tanong nito. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. Sa aming dalawa,
ako ang may karapatang magtaray.

Tumalikod ako sa kaniya para ipakita iyong bag ko. "Get the plastic bag there.
Bilis," utos ko. I felt him following my command in an instant.

"Ako ang kailangan niya. Go back inside the classroom, Rosseau."

Mabilis kong nilingon iyong nagsalita. Inirapan ko lamang si Adonis na matalim ang
tingin sa 'kin kahit na ang kaibigan niya ang kausap.

"No! Bilisan mo na kasi riyan!" singhal ko kay Cho at naramdaman ko ang pagkatranta
niya. When I felt him zipping my bag, I turned to look at him.

"Ibalik mo 'yan sa may-ari," sabi ko kahit na alam kong naroon lang si Adonis sa
gilid.

"K-Kanino?" tanong niya, palipat-lipat ang tingin kay Adonis at sa 'kin. I stepped
on his foot hard to get his full attention. Ako ang kausap niya! How dare him get
distracted!

Napaataras siya at napaawang ang labi sa sakit dahil naka-pumps ako ngayon at
mariin ang pagkakatapak ko sa kaniyang paa.

"The cheating friend of yours," saad ko at tinalikuran siya. Tinaasan ko lamang ng

kilay si Adonis bago ko siya madaananan. Napapikit siya nang mariin.

"Stay here. We'll talk some more," malamig niyang sabi at hinablot ang aking braso.
If it wasn't for the kid, I would've yanked off his grip and kicked him down there.
Wala akong pakialam kung hindi ako magkapamangkin sa kaniya!

"Ross," tawag niya. Cho gave him the plastic bag. Napapatingin pa ito sa 'kin kaya
pinanlakihan ko siya ng mata. He scratched the back of his head and walked away.

"What do you need? Seriously, Adonis. Don't ruin my day," I said in a monotonous
manner. Pumalatak siya at inilagay ako sa kaniyang tapat.

"I did not cheat on you—"

"Nakanamputa, Adonis! Hindi ako bingi, ha?Narinig ko 'yong pagpapakilala mo kay Dad
noong Lunes! Pwede ba? Saka wala na rin akong pakialam sa'yo."

He hissed. "Listen. I didn't know Emmarie was going to introduce me as her—"

"Wala nga akong—"

Napatigil ako sa pagsasalita nang humigpit ang kapit niya sa aking braso. "—as her
boyfriend," he continued, "because I'm not."

I only rolled my eyes at him. Nilingon ko si Yohan na titig na titig sa kaniya kaya
naman ginabayan ko ang ulo nitong mamahinga sa aking balikat. Baka mamaya e magmana
pa rito sa lalaking 'to.

"E ano 'yong sinabi mo—"

"To save her from embarrassment! Your sister was hoping for me, okay?"Tumaas na ang
kaniyang boses.

Kumunot ang noo ko sa kaniyang sinabi. Hindi ko iyon masyadong naintindihan.

Hoping? Emmarie's hoping for what? 'Di ba't may usapan na naman talaga sila?

"What do you expect me to do, Adonis? Believe you?" nanghihina kong tanong.
Namungay ang kaniyang mata bago pakawalan ang aking braso.

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's a long story—"

"We were together for almost five months. Ang daming oras n'on para sabihin mo
'yong totoo."

Now, he looked hopeless. He bit his lower lip hard. Umiwas ako ng tingin sa
naluluha niyang mata, takot na baka manghina na naman ako sa kaniyang tingin.

"Can I ask for one last favour?" he said, breathless. I took a step back when he
neared. His scent attacked me and it was nostalgic and painful for all the reasons
I know of. Napalingon si Yohan sa kaniya. He smiled at the kid and kissed his
cheeks. My heart warmed at the sight.

I imagined a family with him. I'm not gonna lie with that. I hoped that we were
going to last. I hoped that we'll end up living in one roof with our kids. All of
my fantasies when I was young, I dreamt it to be with him.

Pero wala, e. Hindi kami pwede.

This love's going to ruin everything good around us. It's going to break the hearts
of the people we love the most.

"Go on a date with me. One last time, please?" He begged.

Yohan voluntarily stretched his arms to Adonis so I didn't have a choice but to let
him carry the child. Napansin ko ang pagkabigla ni Adonis doon ngunit binuhat naman
ang bata. My heart throbbed at the sight of them. Yohan was touching Adonis'
stubbles with his tiny hands, the latter grinning widely to the child.

"You have classes," sagot ko na lang. He stopped playing with the kid and looked at
me.

"I've done worse for you."

Napapikit na lamang ako nang mariin. This is so fucking wrong. I looked at him.
Nangungusap ang kaniyang mga mata. I averted my gaze quickly as my heart suddenly
felt too heavy.

"I have to meet my friends."

He sighed. "Please, sweetheart?" His voice almost broke. "This is the last. Please.
Give this to me. Tomorrow, you can go back to being mad at me. I'll stay with your
sister...if that's what you want. I'll never bother you. Please."

I heaved a deep sigh. Nilingon ko si Yohan na kumapit sa kaniyang leeg. I balled my

fists.

"Where do we go?" pagsuko ko.

He took that as a cue to reach for my hand and lead me downstairs. Nananakit ang
puso ko sa magkahawak naming kamay. I don't know which hurts more: the thought that
this is wrong, or the thought that this is our last.

We stopped in front of his car and I grabbed the kid from him. Mabilis ang kaniyang
kilos sa pagbukas ng pinto. Yohan sat comfortably on my lap.

Forget, Emmanuelle. Last na 'to. Tutal nagkakasala ka na rin, sagarin mo na. Make
this day worth remembering.

Napasimangot ako nang maamoy ang pinaghalong amoy ng kaniyang kotse at pabango. It
suddenly made me feel sick. Dali-dali kong binuksan ang bintana ng kaniyang
sasakyan.

"What's wrong?" tanong niya. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga. The scent of his
car mixing with his perfume makes me want to vomit my guts out.

"Ang baho ng sasakyan mo!" reklamo ko sa kaniya. He had to close the windows as we
were approaching the exit because the guard might recognize him. Binato ko na lang
iyong Visitor's ID sa guwardiya. Nagluha na ang aking mata sa pagpipigil ng
pagsusuka.

He opened the windows again when we were out of the campus. I threw my head back.
Pakiramdam ko'y nahihirapan akong huminga.

"Hey. Are you okay? Punta tayo ng ospital?" I sensed the worry on his tone. Umiling
ako. I ordered him to stop the car near the terminal of trikes. Nagmamadali akong
bumaba at lumanghap ng hindi masyadong sariwang hangin, pero mas mabuti na ito
kaysa sa amoy ng sasakyan at pabango niyang pinaghalo.

"I don't want to ride that goddamn car. Ang sama ng amoy!" reklamo ko. He looked
puzzled. Napakamot siya sa kaniyang kilay.

"I thought that was...your favorite...freshener..." aniya na parang naguguluhan.

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin kaya agad niyang naitikom 'yung bibig niya. I suddenly
don't want to hear his voice!

"Magta-tricycle ako. Gusto kong pumunta do'n sa Laong," saad ko. I need the
ambience. Isang beses lang naman ako dinala ni Adonis doon. I hope Hearthushed was
there, too. I suddenly want to hear Maxim's voice.

"Okay. Magta-tricycle tayo—"

"No! Maglalakad ka! Ayaw kitang makita!" iritable kong saad. Napansin ko ang
pagkabigla niya at bahagyang naguguluhang ekspresyon. He massaged his temples.

"You want me to walk—"

"Oo nga! Ulit-ulit?" Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. Pinaningkitan niya ako ng mata.

"Let's go to the hospital—"

"Wala akong sakit!" saad ko at pumadyak. Bakit ba hindi na lang siya sumunod sa
gusto ko? Siya naman ang nagpumilit nito, 'di ba?

"Okay. No hospital, then. Okay. Okay. Masusunod," saad niya habang umiiling sa
sarili. "Go inside the trike. Maglalakad ako. I'll see you there. Hintayin mo ako,"
aniya at inalalayan ang ulo ng bata sa pagpasok namin sa tricycle.

So hindi niya ako sasamahan sa loob? I looked at him and raised my brow. Tumingin
siya sa akin pabalik at sinenyasan ang driver na 'wag munang umarangkada.

"What?" he whispered. Umisod ako sa gilid.

"Get your ass inside," mariin kong utos. I saw him clench his jaw. He heaved a deep
sigh before nodding.

"Ano? May reklamo ka?" tanong ko nang umupo siya sa aking tabi. He shook his head
immediately.

"No, no. I'm fine," agad niyang sabi.

"I'm giving you a hard time, right? Ano? Ayaw mo na? Balik ka na sa room?" tanong
ko. Umirap ako nang maramdaman muli ang luha. Ugh. Why the hell am I being petty
over this?

"What? Pinapahirapan mo ba 'ko dahil akala mo'y iiwan kita kasi mahihirapan ako? No
way, sweetheart. This is...our last date, remember? Bakit ko susukuan ang pag-
iinarte mo—"

Agad na kumulo ang aking dugo. "So nag-iinarte ako? Ganoon ba?"

Naihilamos niya ang kaniyang palad sa mukha. His other hand rested on my knee.

"No, no," pabulong niyang sabi.

Nang makarating sa Laong ay agad akong pumasok dahil sa labas pa lamang ay

naririnig ko na iyong boses ni Maxim na bumabati. He's here! What a great timing!

Kumaway ako sa may entrada at si Van ang unang napatingin sa 'kin. Hindi gaanong
karami ang tao ngayon, dahil siguro'y maaga pa. Pero hindi rin naman sobrang kaunti
dahil Biyernes ngayon. Maaga ang awas ng iba.

"Where do you want to sit?" tanong ni Adonis.

Nilibot ko ang tingin sa paligid. The places near the band were already occupied.
Napasimangot ako dahil doon. Kumuha na lang ako ng pwesto na tanaw pa rin sila, but
I badly wanted the tables right in front of them.

"What do you want to eat?" tanong muli ni Adonis, ngayon ay nanunuri ang mga mata.

"Jollibee,"sagot ko.

He chewed on his lower lip. He facepalmed.

"So you just want to eat here, in this place, but you don't want their food?"
maingat niyang tanong. I made Yohan sit on the table. Hinagip niya agad iyong
toyong nasa maliit na lalagyan. I immediately removed it from his grip and made him
sit back on my lap. I reached for the mini signage and gave it to him instead.

Tumango ako. Adonis groaned. "Okay..." pagsuko niya. Nakita ko siyang kumausap ng
staff at inabutan ito ng pera. He then went outside as if waiting for something.

Hindi ko alam kung saan siya nagpunta matapos niyang maglakad saglit palayo.
Kumaway sa 'kin si Van na nasa stage kaya kumaway ako pabalik. Si Maxim ay tipid na
ngumiti lamang. Is he still mad at me?

Inirapan ko si Finn. His face annoyedme.

"Take me as you are, push me off the road..."

Mistulang nabura lahat ng inis ko sa mundo nang magsimula sila. Maxim was sitting
on a high-chair, eyes closed as he sings. Nakakapit siya sa kaniyang inuupuan
habang katapat ang mic stand.

"The sadness, I need this time to be with you..."

Bahagya kong inaalog si Yohan habang tumutugtog sila. Ang bata ay may sariling
mundo sa hawak niyang signage at walang pakialam na ginagawa ko siyang manika.
Napalingon sa 'kin si Maxim. I smiled at him. Saglit siyang napatingin sa batang
hawak ko bago ngumiti. I guess he's not mad at me.

Mayamaya lamang ay nakabalik na si Adonis. Bitbit-bitbit niya ang malaking paperbag

ng Jollibee. Inilapag niya iyon sa harap ko. Saglit ko iyong sinilip. He then
called a staff. Inipod ko ang paperbag ng Jollibee matapos kumuha ng isang fries at
isubo kay Yohan.

Naglapag ang staff ng sinigang ata at isang plato para sa kaniya. Nilingon ko ang
bag ng fast food.

"Ano'ng in-order mo?" tanong ko.

"Almost everything. Now, go choose what you want to eat."

Umiling ako. He blinked. "You don't want to eat?"

"I want your food," saad ko at nginuso iyong kinakain niya. Humigpit ang kapit niya
sa kutsara. Itinapat niya sa akin ang kutsara matapos lagyan iyon ng pagkain. Agad
ko itong tinanggap.

"Bakit ayaw mo na n'on?" kaswal niyang tanong.

"They don't regularize their workers," simple kong sabi. Adonis nodded. Napansin ko
ang saglit niyang pagka-amuse. Itinapat niya muli sa aking bibig ang isang kutsara.

"Let's give it to street children, instead. Kay Yohan 'yung fries," saad ko at
kinuha iyong fries. He was watching all my movements. I don't know if he wants to
complain or not. Hindi naman siya umiimik. Panay tango lang naman siya.

"Gusto mo pa?" tanong niya nang maubos 'yung pagkain niya. Umiling ako. He nodded
again.

Tumayo muna siya at kinuha iyong malaking paperbag. "I'm going to ask one of the
staffs I know here to give this to children outside, okay?" saad niya.

"Okay,"tugon ko. May lumapit para mag-imis ng mesa.

Nang matapos ang set nina Maxim ay agad ko silang tinawag. Van immediately sat
beside me, Finnigan in front, and Maxim beside Finnigan.
"Ang cute-cute naman," saad ni Van na may halong panggigigil. Tinampal ko ang kanay
niya dahil baka marumi iyon.

"Anak nino?" tanong ni Finn. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.

"I don't want him here," saad ko at tinuro si Finn. Kumunot naman ang noo niya sa
'kin.

"I thought you hate Van the most—"

"Get out!" I bursted. Napakurap-kurap si Finn na mistulang nagulat. I saw how

Maxim's eyes widened in shock, too.

"Alis na, Canencia...." mariing sabi ni Van. Finn looked at him, puzzled. Mukhang
may pinag-usapan sila sa kanilang mata bago pa nakasimangot na umalis si Finn.

Mukhang tuwang-tuwa ang dalawa sa bata. Yohan liked Van, too. Napangisi ako nang
makita si Maxim na nilalaro iyong bata. Lalong naninigkit ang mata niya tuwing
ngumingiti.

I saw how Adonis' brow raised when he got back to our table. Nakita ko ang paglunok
ni Maxim at bahagya niyang paglayo ng kaniyang upuan nang tabihan siya nitong isa.

Maxim's cute. I like looking at him. Gusto ko siyang ipa-frame at i-display sa

kwarto.

"Hey, what are they doing here?" maingat na tanong ni Adonis. He reached for my
hand. His thumb caressed my palm. I found it soothing so I just let him.

"I wanna stare at Maxim," I blurted out. Napansin kong natigilan si Van sa kung
ano-anong sinasabi niya sa bata. Maxim's face immediately turned red. Ugh. Ang
sarap pisilin ng pisngi!

"Ah-huh," simpleng sagot ni Adonis. "Why?"

Napairap ako. Was that question necessary?! Iniwas ko agad ang aking kamay sa
kaniya. "Gusto ko e, may angal ka?"

Adonis immediately shook his head. His eyes were observing me, I can feel it.
Inirapan ko lamang siya.

Van laughed. "It's okay, Adonis. You'll get used to it. Women who are pre—aw!"

Nakarinig ako ng pagsipa. Adonis was sternly looking at Van. Si Van naman ay
nakangiwi sa kaniya.

"Sabi ko nga, pre, hayaan mo na," Van trailed. Dahan-dahan niya akong nilingon
ngunit mabilis na umiwas dahil nakatingin ako sa kaniya.

SUMABAY NA KAMIsa pag-alis nina Maxim dahil papasok pa sila. Adonis and I were
waiting for a vehicle to take us home. Pakiramdam ko'y pagod na pagod ang legs ko.
Maybe it's the pumps. Hindi ako sanay.

"Nabibigatan ka na ba?" tanong ni Adonis. Umiling ako. Kailangan ko nang umuwi

dahil mukhang inaantok na ang bata.

Tahimik lamang kami sa biyahe. He dropped me off in front of our house. Nilingon ko
siyang nakapamulsa lamang at nakatingin sa kaniyang sapatos habang inuugoy ang
sarili.
"P-Punta ka sa garden," aya ko. Now that I've thought about it, we didn't actually
do much. Na-guilty tuloy ako.

Inangat niya ang kaniyang tingin sa 'kin. Pakiramdam ko'y mukha siyang pagod.
"Sure.Ipasok mo na 'yang bata. Antok na antok na o," aniya.

I quickly made my way inside. Dad was alone in the kitchen. Napatawa ako sa
kaniyang attempt na mag-bake. Those cookies look like a disaster. Inabot ko agad si
Yohan kay Ate Mina.

I kissed Dad on his cheeks. "Saglit lang po. Babalik ako," I said and ran away from
there but I heard his complaints. Tinakbo ko na ang papunta sa may garden malapit
sa amin. I saw Adonis sitting on one of the stone benches, staring into space.

"Sorry. 'Di ka ata nag-enjoy," saad ko pagkalapit. Namungay ang kaniyang mga mata
at umiling. He weakly smiled.

"Kahit na magsungit, magtaray, o magwala ka pa diyan...okay lang. Really, I

appreciate the time with you."

He stood up. Nakapamulsa siya at binaba muli ang tingin sa sapatos.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

Katahimikan ang nanaig sa 'min. I felt the sudden surge of sadness, the what-ifs,
the what-could-have-beens...the impossible.

Bumigat ang kaniyang paghinga. I saw him wipe his eyes with the back of his palm.

Hindi ko pinag-isipan ang pagyakap sa kaniyang bewang. It's like my body moved on
its own when I saw him crying. Naramdaman ko ang bahagya niyang panginginig. His
shaky breaths were directed to my right ear.

He hugged me back, tighter this time. Naramdaman ko ang kaniyang palad sa likuran
ng aking ulo, nilalapit lalo ako sa kaniya.

I inhaled. Hindi ako pwedeng umiyak dahil siguradong mapapansin iyon ni Dad pag-
uwi.

"This has to end," marahan kong sabi. Naramdaman ko ang kaniyang pagtango.

"Just a few more minutes, sweetheart, please? Cling on me. Please, cling on me...."

Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa kaniya. I felt him kissing my right temple hard.
Pakiramdam ko'y mapipisa na ako sa kapit niya ngunit hindi na ako nagreklamo.

This is the last, right?

Pakiramdam ko'y hinahapo na siya sa kaiiyak. I was worried but he didn't want to
remove his grip on me.

"Bitiw na, Emmanuelle. Ikaw na ang bumitiw. Hindi ata kita kayang bitiwan. Kaunting
tagal pa nito ay baka hindi na kita pakawalan...."

I gently removed my arms on his waist, hanggang sa siya na lang ang nakakapit.
Slowly and reluctantly, he let go of my body. Mabilis siyang umiwas ng tingin at
tumingala. He covered his crying eyes with his arm.
"Go now. Don't look back, please."

And so I followed his orders, like the slave that I am to his words.

☽☾

Chapter 31

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti29
chapter twenty-nine

AS IF ON cue, it started raining. Natalsikan na ang suot kong pantalon ng putik at

nabasa na ang aking mga paa ngunit hindi ko iyon ininda. I ran away from that
place, away from him, just like what he said...just like what I am supposed to do—
to get away from his grip, to set the both of us free.

Napatigil lamang ako sa pagtakbo nang naabutan si Emmarie sa tapat ng aming bahay.
She was holding an umbrella, still on her common clothes and a jacket. Maamo ang
kaniyang pagngiti sa akin.

Kumabog ang aking puso sa kaba. She was just standing there, as if she was waiting
for me. Did...she see us? Does she know? Kung alam niya, bakit hindi siya
nagsasabi?

No.... She probably doesn't have a single idea. Emmarie's unaware of the half of my
secrets. Sadyang paranoid lang siguro ako. The guilt is still slowly devouring me
alive. Sana ay masanay na ako at makalimot na rin. Pakiramdam ko kasi'y
naaapektuhan ang relasyon naming magkapatid dahil sa kinikilos at iniisip ko.

"Bakit ka nasa labas?" tanong ko. Isinukob niya agad ako sa kaniyang payong na
dala. Pinilit kong iwaksi ang kabang nananalaytay sa 'king sistema. Hindi na naman
iyon mauulit. Emmarie shouldn't worry about me and her boyfriend. May kani-kaniya
na kaming buhay. It's all over now.

"Dad wants us to taste the cookies. Wala ka naman daw dala na kahit ano kaya sabi'y
nandiyan ka lang sa tabi-tabi. It rained and I was about to look for you but then I
saw you dashing towards home," simple niyang sabi. Iniwan niya muna ang payong sa
may entrada. Nauna siyang pumasok sa loob. I heard her calling for the maids to
give me a towel. Hindi ko na nga namalayan ang lamig dahil sa kabang naramdaman ko
kanina.

"Kaya ka nagkakasakit," mariing sabi ni Ate Mina at sinakluban ako ng tuwalya. I

only smiled at her and shook my head. She grabbed another towel and wrapped it on
my hair. Nagmamadali akong umakyat sa aking kwarto para magpalit ng damit bago pa
maabutan ni Dad.

Sumalampak ako sa sahig ng banyo. It's done, right? There's no place for regret and
longing now. I've had my time with him. I've used all my cards on him. I've taken
all the chances with him. Wala na. Huli na talaga. Tapos na.

Pinalis ko ang luha at tubig-ulan sa aking mukha. The thought that this hurts us
both is extremely painful. Love isn't supposed to be like this, right? It isn't
supposed to kill the lovers.

I felt sick after taking a short bath. Nararamdaman ko na ang bumibigat kong mga
talukap at ang dumadalas na pagbahing. I changed into a sweater and pajamas because
it was cold. Hindi halata ang pagiging paga ng mata ko dahil mukha naman akong may
sakit overall. I'll just blame it on the common cold in case anyone asks.

Dad and Emmarie were both on the kitchen. Agad na napalingon sa 'kin si Dad at
napansin ko ang mabilis na pagkunot ng kaniyang noo nang makita ako.

"May sakit ka?" tanong niya at sinipat ang aking noo. I weakly nodded. It's easier
to pretend you're sick than pretend you're okay.

"Nagpaulan naman kasi, Dad," saad ni Emmarie at sinimangutan ako. I only smiled at
her and shook my head. Inabot ko iyong cookie na hawak niya at may kagat niya na.

"Masarap naman a," saad ko. Dad clapped his hands and slammed his fists to his
chest like a mad man. Si Emmarie ay napatawa na lamang sa kinilos ng aming ama.
Naninibago pa rin ako tuwing ganiyan si Dad. He's always composed and strict.
There's no room for mistakes when it comes to him. Everything must be calculated
and must be in place.

"Pero ang pangit!" saad ni Emmarie at pinakita sa akin iyong isang tray. Hindi ko
napigilan ang hindi matawa sa hitsura no'n dahil mukhang inapakan ng kung ano 'yung
cookies.

"E masarap naman! Pwede na 'yan! At least, nakakain!" reklamo ni Dad. I just pulled
a high chair and watched them bicker about it. I'm feeling too weak right now to
join them.

Napagdesisyunan nilang umulit. Turns out, Emmarie learned baking when she was in
New York, and apparently it's her new hobby. Hindi ko pinapansin ang pagtatalo nila
sa kung anong ilalagay. I reached for the chocolate syrup and put some on my
fingers.

"Don't you have any friends who bake?" tanong ni Emmarie at umupo sa aking tapat
habang inaayos ni Dad iyong kasasalang lang niya.

I reached for the chocolate chips and grabbed a handful. Napalingon siya saglit
doon.

"No...but one of my friends' mother likes to bake," sagot ko, pertaining to Adira's
mom. Balita ko'y mag-oopen sila ng sarili nilang café. I'm not sure what's
happening to that right now. Hindi ko sigurado kung may ideya rin si Addie dahil
lagi naman siyang nasa banda niya.

Emmarie nodded. Tumabi sa kaniya si Dad at sinubo iyong marshmallow.

"Don't you want to learn how to bake, Vesper? Vincelle can teach you," saad niya.
Napangiwi ako sa namumualan niyang boses.

"I prefer cooking," I said.

"Oh! Ayeon likes cooking! Ang sarap niya magluto ng pastas!"

I shoved the remaining chocolate chips on my mouth as Emmarie talked about him.
Nagkunwari na lang akong busy sa pagnguya kaya hindi umiimik.

"Really? Does he bake?" usisa ni Dad. He really has no problem with that guy. Tama
nga ang hinala ko na papasa si Adonis kay Dad. Wala naman kasi talagang karekla-
reklamo sa lalaking 'yon.

Nga lang, he is Emmarie's boyfriend, not mine. Sayang lang pala ang pag-aalala ko
noon kung tatanggapin ba siya ni Dad o hindi. Maybe that's why Nana interrogated
him.... She's old but her memory's pretty sharp. Baka sakaling noon pa nga lang ay
nakita na niya 'yong dalawang magkasama.

Nana didn't bother me about it. When she saw Adonis at home with Emmarie, she
remained silent but her cold gaze can freeze anyone's soul. I'm pretty sure Adonis
felt that, too. Still, hindi na nagsalita si Nana. She didn't confront me about it,
too. Pinabayaan na lang nila nina Ate Mina, siguro'y pare-parehas takot na baka
magkagulo sa bahay ulit.

"Not sure, Dad. Ang alam ko ay hindi. Do you know, Emmanuelle? You're friends,
right?" Emmarie smiled sweetly at me.

Well, fuck. I should've just stayed inside my room since gumagana naman ang may
sakit ako na excuse ko.

"I don't know. We're not that close," I said. Emmarie squinted her eyes but smiled.
Saglit akong kinabahan sa kaniyang ngiti. I know my sister. I know her genuine
smile when I see it, and I am pretty sure that smile earlier was fake.

Oh, my god. Fucking hell. I don't think my secret's safe anymore.

"What about I invite him here? Okay lang, Dad?" tanong niya. I chewed on my lower
lip and looked at Dad. Please say no.

Dad's brows clouded in confusion. "Ngayon na?"

"Yes," sagot ni Emmarie at ngumiti. Saglit niya akong nilingon. "You don't mind,
right?"

I blinked. Umiling ako. "No.... It's okay," sagot ko kahit na nagwawala na naman
ang kaloob-looban ko. There is just no escape from this guilt.

And why the heck will she ask for my opinion?

"Well...okay," pagsang-ayon ni Dad. Pumalatak ako. I got off from my high chair.

"I'll stay in my room. Masama ang pakiramdam ko." Agad na napalingon sa 'kin si
Emmarie. My heartbeat became rapid when I saw her momentarily raise one of her
brows.

This isn't good.

"But I want us three to bond. You can bring your friends, too, if it's
awkward...but why would it be awkward? Magkakilala na naman kayo, 'di ba?"

I inhaled sharply. "Ayaw ko, okay? Kasi may past kami niyang boyfriend mo. He
cheated on you with me! And I can see that you love him so much! I don't want to
hurt you! I don't want to complicate things for the both of you! I am also helping
Adonis by staying out of his sight! That way, he can only focus on you! At isa pa,
hindi pa ako tuluyang nakaka-move on kahit na tanggap ko na, ha? Kung hindi lang
kita kapatid, baka inagaw ko na siya sa'yo. Pero syempre, mas matimbang ang pamilya
ko sa 'kin at kapatid kita kaya wala akong magagawa. Now, let me rest inside the
four walls of my room, while you two pretend to bake cookies here and eat each
other's faces!"

I imagined myself saying those.

Of course, imagination na lang talaga 'yon. I don't think Emmarie can handle that
type of sudden outburst.

This is the karma I have to deal with, huh? Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan 'to.
Probably until the day I die.

Hindi pinakakawalan ni Emmarie ang tingin ko. Nakangiti pa rin siya ngunit may halo
na ng pagtataka sa kaniyang mukha. I inhaled. Sapilitan akong tumango. I gave her a
tight-lipped smile.

"Okay. Matitiis ba kita?"

Saglit na namungay ang kaniyang mata doon. She averted her gaze and looked at Dad.
Ako naman ay bumalik sa high chair.

Pinilit ko na lang na hindi pansinin ang kakaiba niyang kinikilos. I saw Emmarie
pick up her phone and probably call Adonis. Hindi siya umalis sa kaniyang pwesto.

"Hi, babe!"

My eyebrows twitched at that. Umayos tuloy ako ng upo at medyo pinatagilid para
hindi niya makita ang aking mukha. Sinabayan ko na lang si Dad na naghihintay doon
sa cookies.

"Let's try brownies next time, Dad," I said. Tumango-tango naman si Dad at saglit
akong nilingon.

Pinilit kong hindi makinig sa usapan nila. Nahihinuha ko na na hindi pupunta si

Adonis base sa pagbabago ng tono ni Emmarie. Sakto namang natapos ang cookies. Ako
sana ang kukuha ngunit naunahan ako ni Dad.

"Sadly, he can't make it. Turns out, he's sick, too. What a coincidence, right,
Ellie?"

Dahan-dahan ko siyang nilingon dahil saglit na tumalim ang kaniyang tono ng

pananalita. She was still smiling at me, but her grip on her phone was tight, I can
tell her knuckles are tightly clenched. Napaayos tuloy ako ng upo. Hindi ako
makaimik. What now?

"Masama kasi talaga ang panahon ngayon,"singit ni Dad na walang kamalay-malay sa

namumuong tensyon na hindi ko sigurado kung guniguni ko lang.

"Yeah, Dad. You're right," tugon ni Emmarie, hindi pa rin inaalis ang tingin sa
'kin. Napalunok ako. Where are we? It feels like we're inside a fucked-up drama
show. This scene reminds me of a fight between two queen bees who are the best of
friends, one is the kind one slowly turning to a wolf, the other one is the mean
one who's gradually facing her karma. But we're worse, aren't we? Magkapatid kami.

Hindi inaalis ni Emmarie ang kaniyang tingin sa 'kin at pakiramdam ko'y patagal
nang patagal ang ngiti niya, paplastik nang paplastik ang dating n'on. I can't
smile back at her. I can't make my facial muscles move. Isa pa, why the heck will
she stare at me while smiling for too long? Unless she wants to make me
uncomfortable. Maybe she really knows by now. May tainga ang balita. People at
school probably told her. I don't know. Bahala na.

If she's going to act like that, probably waiting for me to spill the beans, then
I'll just act clean for my sake. Kung kaya niyang magpanggap na walang alam, mas
kaya ko. Among the two of us, I'm the better actress. I've practiced what face to
show to the world. Hindi tulad niya na totoong sarili lagi ang pinakikita sa iba
dahil hindi na siya nangangamba sa sasabihin ng ibang tao dahil sigurado na siyang
positibo iyon. While me? Heck no. I can't just 'be myself.'

She might never admit it, but she lived an easier life. She didn't experience being
abandoned and living on her own. She didn't experience the near-death situations
that I did. She never received words of hate from Dad and other people.

Among the two of us, I'm the wounded one. The malfunctioning. The tarnished. The
less favourite. The hardships shaped me to be stronger than her. And if it's a game
of pretending and playing innocent like what she's doing right now? I'm going to
win. Hanggang sa huling hininga niya ay hindi niya ako maririnig na umamin sa
kaniya nang kusa kung 'yun ang gusto niya.

But if she chooses to confront me and ask me directly, I won't lie to her. I'll
tell her the truth even if it will break her and ruin our relationship.

Nabali ang tinginan namin nang ilapag ni Dad ang cookies sa aming tapat. Kasabay
noon ang pagtawag sa 'kin ni Ate Mina mula sa taas. Nanlalamig na ang paghinga ko
sa sobrang kaba.

"Ibababa ko ba ang cellphone mo? May natawag," banggit ni Ate Mina mula sa taas. I
quickly got off of my seat and almost ran my way toward the stairs.

"Ako na po ang aakyat!" saad ko at nagmamadali sa hagdan. I didn't look back. I was
scared to see Emmarie still staring at me.

Hawak na ni Ate Mina ang phone ko at pababa na siya ngunit mabilis kong kinuha sa
kaniya ang phone at sinagot ang tawag habang naglalakad pabalik sa kwarto. It's
Vivian, exactly who I need right now.

"Hello," hinihingal kong sabi at humilata sa aking kama.

"Hoy, gaga! Umuwi na kami! Nasaan ka ba?!" Nailayo ko nang kaunti ang telepono sa
tainga dahil sa lakas ng boses niya. She should really tone down her voice when
talking via phone. Kawawa iyong ibang hindi pa sanay sa boses niya.

"I...I went somewhere." I left my answer vague. Hindi na naman importante iyong
ginawa namin ni Adonis ngayon. What's important right now is to not have Emmarie
doubt me.

"At dahil diyan, babawi ka. Bukas, sa Spades lang. Don't worry, Diesel paid for
extra security. Alam mo naman 'yun, walang paglagyan ng pera," aniya at humalakhak.

Nasapo ko ang noo ko sa pag-angat ng katawan at pag-upo. "Okay, fine. Whatever. I

have a problem," saad ko.

Tumayo muna ako at ni-lock ang pinto. Pumasok ako sa banyo. I can't risk anyone
eavesdropping.

"Is your stupid ex bothering you—"

"No. Worse than that, Vi," mariin kong sabi. I leaned on the sink. Good thing
Emmarie and I don't exactly look alike. Kung sakali ay baka nabaliw na ako sa
pagkakita pa lamang sa sariling repleksyon.

"Ha? Ano? Buntis ka?" Humina ang kaniyang boses ngunit nadagdagan iyon ng pangamba.
Agad akong umiling kahit hindi niya nakikita.

"No! I think..." Napapikit ako. "...I think Emmarie knows," I whispered. Narinig ko
ang kaniyang mahinang pagmumura.
"Ano nang gagawin mo? Kinausap ka na ba niya?" nag-aalalang tanong ni Vivian.
Nasapo ko ang aking noo. I massaged my temples. Hindi ata ako makapag-isip nang
ayos. Dumagdag pa ang sakit ng ulo ko.

"Hindi pa. Pakiramdam ko kasi may alam na siya. I don't know what to do. Hindi ko
alam pa'no alisin 'yung pagdududa niya sa 'kin."

Pumalatak siya sa kabilang linya. I heard the shuffling of her sheets. "Hang out
with them. That's the best thing to do. 'Wag kang umiwas. I mean— okay, umiwas ka
kay Adonis, pero 'wag sa kanilang dalawa. You get it? You can do this, Emma. Just,
make your sister feel like you're rooting for the two of them. Ganoon lang."

I sighed. Walang umiimik sa 'ming dalawa.

"You're in deep shit, girl," aniya sa kabilang linya.

I closed my eyes shut. I know, Vivian. I just want to get out of this. Ayaw ko nang
maipit sa gitna nilang dalawa.

Pinatay ko ang tawag. Hindi ko na rin talaga alam kung ano ang gagawin sa buhay ko.
I know that it's just my hunch, but Emmarie's my sister! Ramdam ko 'yon sa pulso ko
na may mali sa ngiti niya!

I didn't get out of bed. Natulog na lamang ako at hindi na bumaba. I didn't feel
like eating dinner, too, so I spent the night going back to painting. Ang tagal ko
nang 'di nakapupunta sa studio. Maybe I can bring Dad there. Tutal naman e tanggap
na niya na art-related ang patutunguhan kong career.

I PULLED AN all-nighter the moment I woke up at around 10 o' clock since I know I
won't be able to sleep early because I already slept the whole afternoon. Isa pa, I
enjoyed painting Diesel and his rough features. Tutal naman e next month na rin ang
birthday niya, might as well give this as a gift. I never gave him a portrait
sketch nor a painting kahit na 'yon lagi ang hinihiling niyang regalo sa 'kin for
about four years straight now.

Pasikat na ang araw nang mapagdesisyunan kong matulog. I stared at the painting I
made. It's not even halfway done yet but I was starting to feel tired so I left it
like that.

I WOKE UP at around noon already. Biglaang gusto kong kumain ng pizza. Nakaramdam
na siguro ako ng gutom dahil hindi ako kumain kagabi.

I took a bath first. My phone kept on ringing because of Vivian's messages. Panay
ang paalala niya sa 'kin na 'wag ko nang subukang hindi pumunta dahil patay daw ako
sa kaniya.

Pababa pa lamang ako nang makasalubong ko si Ate Krizel. Bitbit niya ang pamilyar
na laptop ni Emmarie. Ilalagay siguro sa kwarto.

"Nasaan po siya?" tanong ko.

"Nasa baba. Kasama 'yong boyfriend," simpleng sagot ni Ate Krizel. I gulped hard on
that. Seriously? Agang-aga. I mean, not really. Lagpas tanghalian na. Pero,
kagigising ko pa lang. Kasisimula pa lang ng araw ko tapos silang dalawa na agad
ang bubungad?

Anong malas ba ang dumikit sa 'kin?

I mentally prepared myself. Come on. I can do this. Ano ba naman 'yung oras na
pakikipagplastikan sa kanila para lang mawala ang suspetiya sa 'kin ng kapatid ko,
'di ba?

I saw them at the pool side. Kumaway sa 'kin si Emmarie na nakaupo sa tabi ni
Adonis. I waved back and flashed my them the best smile I can fabricate.

"Good morning!" Nagawa ko pang bumati. Hindi ko na nilingon si Adonis at nagpokus

sa kapatid. I sat in front of her and plucked a grape. I acted casually.

"Tanghali na kaya," saad ni Emmarie at natawa. "Bakit ka tinanghali? Ang aga mo

namang natulog."

I saw from my peripheral vision how she nuzzled closer to Adonis. Like I care. Hah.
Dapat wala akong pakialam. I can't fuck this up. Kritikal ngayon dahil
pinaghihinalaan niya ako.

"Nag-paint ako hanggang madaling araw," paliwanag ko. Hindi na ako kumuha ng
prutas. Kumuha lang naman ako para magpanggap na chill lang ako rito kahit na sobra
na ang kaba ko. Pizza ang gusto kong kainin.

"I want your skills." Napasimangot si Emmarie. Napangisi naman ako roon.

"I wish I was good in Math," sabi ko naman. She smiled sheepishly. Pakiramdam ko'y
nawawala na iyong pagdududa niya sa akin. Emmarie's really gullible. Her heart is
fragile and her emotions can easily be stirred. If I was an evil sister to her, I
would've manipulated her to do things in my favour...but I'm not an evil sister.

"Sama ka mamaya? Ayeon and I are going to the garden cafe," aniya at ngumiti.

Napangiwi ako saglit. Umiling ako. "I have plans. Nakapunta na rin ako roon. It's
better if you two enjoy your date. I don't want to act like the third wheel," saad
ko at pinilit na bahagyang matawa. Kailan pa ako naging third wheel, ha?

Emmarie's brows furrowed. Nilingon ko si Adonis na nakatingin lamang sa kawalan.

Damn, what's wrong with him?

"You went there already? First time ko mamaya. Sinong kasama mo?" tanong niya.
Adonis blinked and turned his gaze to me. Mabilis akong umiwas.

"Vivian," sagot ko na lang. Alangan namang sabihin kong 'yong boyfriend mo, kasama
ko. Sa isip ko pa lang e maling-mali na pakinggan iyon. Paano pa kaya kung
babanggitin ko?

"Saan ka pupunta?"

Napakuha ako ng grapes nang wala sa oras. Nilingon ko si Adonis na nagtanong.

Seriously? Pwede bang 'wag niya akong pahirapan?

"Spades," simple kong sagot at pinalingan muli ang kapatid.

"Pwede ba kaming sumama?" tanong ni Emmarie. Kumuha muli ako ng prutas kahit na
ayaw ko na nitong kinakain ko. Ayaw ko na lang talagang umimik.

Hindi ko alam kung paano tatanggihan si Emmarie. Hindi ko naman siya tatanggihan
dahil lang sa isasama niya si Adonis, ang isa pa talagang dahilan ay hindi niya
tipo iyong mga lugar na 'yon. Emmarie doesn't belong there. Actually, the both of
them don't.
"You won't like it there. It's a bar," mahinahon kong sabi. She pouted.

"Okay lang. It's going to be a first time!"

"Baka mapahamak—"

"Oh, come on, Ellie! Kasama natin si Ayeon. O ayaw mo lang ba kaming isama?"

Natigilan ako sa kaniyang sinabi. I sighed and just nodded. Tumayo na ako bago pa
niya madagdagan ang kaniyang sasabihin.

Nagpabili ako ng pizza dahil iyon talaga ang gusto kong kainin. Dad and I ate in
the living room while watching a movie. When I was young, I dreamt of this. Kahit
simpleng oras lang na kasama ko si Dad ay okay na ako. I can't believe it's
actually happening right now.

Sa pagkatupad ng ilang pangarap ko ay siya namang pagguho ng iba. I guess you

really can't have everything in this life. The universe will keep on finding way to
fuck it up for you.

BANDANG ALAS OTSO ay nagbibihis na ako. I removed my pearl necklace and replaced it
with a lace choker. I wore a black button-down dress, barely reaching the half of
my thighs but I didn't care. I slipped on my lace up black corset and wore it over
the dress, defining my indented waist. Tumagilid ako sa salamin. I feel like I've
gotten a bit fat but my S curve looks better now.

Sinuot ko iyong napakamahal na Hermes boots. Sayang naman ang pinambili nito kung
hindi ko isusuot. I tied my hair up in a neat ponytail. I miss dressing up to kill.
I went all out tonight.

Pagkababa ko ay nasa salas sina Emmarie, Adonis, at si Dad na mukhang hinahabilinan

iyong isa na maagang iuwi si Emmarie. Emmarie wore a red cropped off-shoulder and
plain black skinny jeans.

I love my sister, but her fashion style is boring for me. Magkaiba nga talaga kami
ng ugali at preferences kahit na kambal kami.

Sa dinami-dami ng pagkakaiba namin, bakit kaya parehas pa kami ng preference sa

lalaki? Nakakainis rin talaga e.

"Bye, Dad," I said and kissed Dad on the cheeks. Narinig ko ang pagrereklamo niya
sa suot ko habang palabas ako ng bahay. I just waved at him. Wala naman siyang
magagawa.

Nasa backseat ako ng sasakyan ni Adonis, at ang girlfriend niya sa harap. What a
complete turn of events, huh? The car where we used to make out, ngayon ay kasama
na namin ang legal niyang girlfriend. Chills.

I put on my earphones that I rarely wear just to pretend I'm listening to

something. Para hindi na rin nila ako kausapin. More talking equates to higher
possibility of messing this up, so I prefer to stay silent. Nang makarating sa
Spades ay iniwan ko na silang dalawa.

"Your sister's here?" bungad ni Adira sa akin. Tumabi ako sa kaniya. Diesel was
sitting in front of me, gumagala rin ang tingin, hinahanap iyong dalawa. Raven was
out of sight. Sabi ni Vivian ay may kung sino daw na hinabol kanina.

"Yes. Unfortunately," saad ko at napairap. Si Vivian ay hinampas ako ng itim niyang

pamaypay.
"Gaga ka. Samahan mo muna. Mamaya ka na magmaldita at pumunta sa 'min. Dali!" aniya
at halos hilahin ako paalis sa couch. Sinimangutan ko siya ngunit pinanlakihan niya
ako ng mata.

"What do I say? What do I do?" tanong ko.

"Offer a drink, or something," suhestiyon ni Addie. Sigurado akong alam na nila ang
sitwasyon ko. I didn't tell Addie about a word about it but she already knows. Ang
ibig sabihin lang talaga ay napag-usapan na nila iyon nang wala ako.

"Fine," I said and marched away from them. Inilibot ko ang tingin sa paligid. The
neon lights danced around which didn't really help.

Nang makita ang kapatid ay palapit na sana ako ngunit naudlot. I groaned when I saw
Emmarie lean over to kiss Adonis on the cheeks.

Tangina. Tiisin mo 'yan, Emmanuelle. Wala ka namang magagawa, e.

Humugot muna ako ng malalim na hininga. I was about to take another step when I saw
Adonis wrap his arm on my sister's waist. He leaned. Something inside me shattered
when he guided my twin's chin closer to him and claimed her lips. I gasped when he
parted her lips with his own. Fuck.

Otomatiko akong napapikit at pumihit papunta sa ibang direksyon. That...That was

too much. I...I wasn't ready for that.

Dumiretso ako sa restroom. Pagpasok na pagpasok ko ay napansin ko iyong pagtingin

ng babaeng nagre-retouch sa sink. I ignored her and immediately went towards a
cubicle and locked myself there. Pakiramdam ko'y bumaba lahat ng dugo ko sa paa.

I inhaled the scent of booze, cigarette, and wasted youth. Tumayo na ako at
lumabas. Hindi pa rin umaalis iyong babaeng kanina pa nasa sink. May tatlo pang
babae sa loob na bagong dating at nakasandal lang sa may gilid. Nilingon ako ng
babaeng nasa sink. What's she doing? Make-up para sa pageant? Ang tagal niya kasi.

"Emmanuelle Gorotizca," she mumbled. Tumaas ang kilay ko sa kaniya. I am legit

fuming mad and jealous right now. Nagtitimpi lang ako pero kung may mapaglalabasan
naman ng inis, bakit hindi?

"Nicholas' bitch," she said as she locked our gazes in the mirror. Nanlaki ang mata
ko nang biglaang may lumipad na bote patungo sa direksyon ko. Good thing I was able
to dodge it. What I wasn't able to dodge was someone forcefully grabbing a handful
of my hair. It was an easy task for my hair was in a ponytail.

I've been to catfights. Lagpas na sa bilang ng daliri sa paa at kamay ang away na
napasangkot ako. Sinalag ko gamit ng aking braso ang boteng hahampas sana sa aking
mukha. I hissed when fragments of the alcohol bottle pierced through my skin.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako naipit sa
nila sa 'kin. When I heard one of them
'Mika,' saka lamang pumasok sa isip ko
Girls will really stoop this low for a
the fuck up?!
apat na babaeng 'to at kung ano ang galit
calling the ugliest girl in their group
na siya ang girlfriend ni Nicholas. Damn!
guy who's not worth it?! When will she wake

After getting out of someone's grip on my hair, I immediately landed a punch on her
face. Hindi ako magaling mangalmot dahil laging malinis at maikli ang kuko ko.
Tumakbo ako papunta sa nakalock na pinto ngunit may kumapit sa aking binti. I
cursed aloud when I hit the dirty floor hard. Mabilis kong sinipa kung sinoman iyon
at inapakan ang kaniyang kamay.

"Mas mahal pa sapatos ko sa buhay mo, tangina ka!" I shouted at her. Panay ang bato
ng bubog nung isa sa direksyon ko kaya hindi ko siya malapitan. I aimed for Mika's
hair instead. Hindi na lumapit sa 'kin iyong nasuntok ko sa takot siguro na
markahan ko pa iyong mukha niya.

"Get your ass here!" Nang mahila ang buhok ni Mika ay sinigurado kong matatanggal
iyon sa anit niya. I pushed her to the sink and turned on the faucet. Naglulumikot
siya at pilit na kinakalmot ang aking braso ngunit wala naman siyang binatbat. I am
so mad right now! Kung hindi lang siya umepal ay hindi siya magkakaganito!

Sapilitan kong inilubog iyong mukha niya sa lababo. Nabasa ang aking damit. Someone
pulled me away from her and smashed a bottle on my head, causing my head to throb
in pain. I felt something tear near my forehead. Because I was already dizzy,
someone pushed me to the corner of the restroom. Nakarinig ako ng pagbukas ng pinto
at ang pagtawag nila sa isang pangalan ng lalaki.

I winced when a stronger force pulled my hair up and forced me to stand. Sinubukan
kong buksan nang maigi ang aking mata. I recognize him! He's the guy at Lila's
birthday! Iyong kasama ng muntikan nang mapatay ni Raven!

Napapikit ako agad nang suntukin sa may tiyan. Tears immediately rolled down my
cheeks in pain. Napansin kong tumakbo na iyong apat na babae kasama si Mika. Three
more punches in the gut and I tasted blood on my mouth. Nakailang mura siya nang
makitang bumuga na ako ng dugo. Basta-basta na lamang niya akong iniwan doon sa
gilid.

I felt like passing out. My vision was starting to blur and my limbs hurt. I can
feel the cuts on my face and on my arms. The taste of metal remained on my mouth.
Pinilit kong tumayo at kumuha ako ng suporta sa lababo.

Hindi na ako nag-abalang hanapin pa sila. They can run all they want. I'll deal
with them once I'm okay. Nang makita iyong couch kung nasaan ang mga kaibigan ko ay
doon ako nagtungo. I bumped a lot of strangers on the way. They were protesting but
they stopped when they saw how I look. I mean, I can feel blood dripping on my chin
from my mouth. It's either they genuinely care or they were scared.

"What the fuck?!" Diesel growled. Mabilis akong kumapit kay Raven sa pandidilim ng
aking paningin.

Vivian's eyes widened in shock at the sight of me. Si Adira ay mabilis na napatayo.
Raven was still supporting my body while Diesel dashed to go somewhere. Hindi na
rumerehistro sa aking isip ang kanilang mga sinasabi.

THE NEXT MORNING, I woke up in a hospital.

Nagkamali ako noong inakalang wala nang mas sasakit pa na pangyayari sa buhay ko.

☽☾

Chapter 32

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti30
chapter thirty
WILL YOU CHOOSE to continue living if everything just makes you want to die?

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako nagkamali. Hindi ko alam kung galit ba sa akin ang ina
ko at pinarurusahan niya ako mula sa langit. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako
ginaganito. Hindi ko na rin alam kung pang-ilang beses ko nang kinwestiyon ang
sarili kong halaga.

Does the pain ever stop? Or do we just momentarily get distracted from it?

Because, it seems to me like the pain never leaves. It is the constant in my life.
It stays. Happiness only comes like a trial period. It crumbles into pixie dust
once I'm beginning to embrace it. It leaves me alone with the pain again.

They say that obstacles really just come and go, and that we overcome it. But it
seems to me like my whole life is an obstacle course, bound to kill me with pain
anytime soon, bound to draw blood from me and leave my bones dry to decay.
Pakiramdam ko kasi, hindi naman ako dinadalaw ng pagsubok; ang mismong buhay ko na
ang pagsubok. Everything is just survival. If the good things are going to be taken
away from me, sana hindi na lang ako pinatikim. Life would be easier that way.

When will this all end? When my life is over?

I spent my youth with a mask on, decorated with gold and rose quartz, just to cover
up the cracks and satisfy what the society wants to see. I only take it off when
I'm alone. I only reveal the stitches on my body when no one is watching. I have
grown to accept that no one is going to love me if I show them my true self.

Being a daughter of Valentin Gorotizca was never easy. Kapalit ng karangyaan ang
responsibilidad. My father is a respected businessman, an expert on his field. What
would people expect from his daughters, right? To be prim and proper, to be an
embodiment of elegance, to be intelligent, wise, and cunning, to be kind and sweet,
and most importantly, to follow his footsteps.

I was the entire opposite of what people want. I am into art, and people say my
dreams are too mediocre for a businessman's daughter. I always have to wear
uncomfortable dresses, representing brands I couldn't even pronounce properly back
then. I should be soft-spoken like my mother. I should be easy on the eyes.
Everything must be in place. I should be careful with every step I take, wearing a
minimum of three inches for the heels, and my own comfort isn't really something to
consider.

It's easy at first: dress up like a princess, smile at the guests, pretend you're
happy. The latter wasn't easy. As I grew up, I got used to it that I didn't even
notice that I was pretending.

I've had my fair share of mistakes. Father was very strict, and I was stubborn. My
own reckless decisions brought us the death of my Mom. I was the reason why the
family fell apart. I was the reason for my own destruction.

There's no way that I could have forgotten all of those. Balak ko iyong pagbayaran
buong buhay ko. I already accepted the universe's wrath against me. And when I
thought that I was being gradually forgiven, something like this happens to prove
me wrong.

"'W-Wag kang masyadong gumalaw," namamaos ang tinig ni Adira at tinulungan akong
umupo.

Napatakip ako sa aking ilong. The hospital room smells like strong alcohol and some
kind of chemical. Adira helped me sat down properly. My limbs hurt. Kinapa ko ang
noo at naramdaman ang gasa na nakalagay roon.

Raven was sitting on the couch in the corner of the room. When I woke up, Adira was
sitting on the floor, her head on the side of my bed and she's sleeping. Diesel was
just silently preparing breakfast, I guess. Nagpapalaman siya ng tinapay sa isang
gilid. He looked like a zombie. Gulo-gulo ang kaniyang buhok at 'di nakatakas sa
aking paningin ang kamao niyang may balot din ng gasa. He got into a fight?

"Where's Vivian?" tanong ko. Diesel acted like he didn't hear anything. Raven just
stood up and went to the—I assume—bathroom inside this room. Huli kong nilingon si
Addie na napahilamos ng kaniyang palad sa kaniyang mukha.

"Nabili ng prutas," mahina nitong ugon. Kumunot ang noo ko sa hitsura ni Adira. Her
eyeliner is smudged, like she didn't have the time to remove it last night. She
shoved her hair away from her face and looked at me with tired eyes. Hinagip niya
ang aking kamay.

"Did...Did you know?" tanong niya. She swallowed the lump on her throat. Napansin
ko ang pagluluha ng kaniyang mga mata.

"Knew what?" tanong ko pabalik. My brows furrowed. I flinched when Diesel

carelessly threw the bread knife on the table, producing a loud sound as it clanked
with the silverware. Humilig siya sa maliit na refrigerator.

Raven went out of the bathroom. Ngayon ay basa nang bahagya ang buhok at mukha. His
shirt's also wet because of the water dripping from his hair.

Diesel sighed. "Adira, I don't think—"

"The doctors are going to tell her if we don't," matalim na pagputol ni Adira sa
sasabihin ni Diesel. Nilingon ako ni Diesel.

My eyes widened when he suddenly bursted into tears. He used his wounded fist to
cover his mouth and looked up at the ceiling.

"Why is Diesel crying?" tanong ko. We've been friends for how many years now. If my
memory's right, this is the first time I saw him cry.

"Aalis muna ako," Diesel declared with a hoarse and cracking voice. Mabilis niyang
kinuha iyong jacket niyang nasa sofa. He threw me a glance when he was near the
door. Malalaki ang kaniyang hakbang na bumalik sa aking kama.

Napapikit ako nang halikan niya ang aking noo. Naramdaman ko ang kaniyang luhang
pumatak sa aking pisngi. Raven tapped his shoulders. Pumaling si Diesel kay Adira.
He crouched and planted a kiss on my friend's cheek.

Silence came after Diesel left. Lumapit sa akin si Raven na nakapamulsa. I raised
one of my brows at him, urging him to speak but he just looked away.

"What is it, Addie?" tanong ko. Adira squeezed my hand tighter.

"You...You were pregnant...."

Binalot kami ng katahimikan. I scoffed. I stared hard at Addie to see if she's

joking.

Moments passed by and she didn't take back what she said.
Nangilid ang mga luha sa aking mata. I gently tugged Addie's hand away from me to
cover my face.

I am very much aware on who the father of this child I'm carrying is. But, I don't
know if I should tell him or what. He's my twin sister's boyfriend, after all. I
can't imagine the fuss it will cause if I tell the world about this.

It will break my sister's heart. I haven't seen her go crazily mad, but I am afraid
of what will happen in case I finally cut her last thread of patience and kindness.
She'll go berserk, for sure. And what will that make me?

She'll hate me. She might love the child, but not me. I don't think she can forgive
me. No matter how kind and forgiving she is, there's just no way in hell that
she'll forgive me once she finds out that I was dating her boyfriend while they're
still together.

And last night, I think they're pretty okay. Adonis was trying to make this work
for the both of them. He's finally making up to my sister. I saw them kiss. And who
knows what happened after that? Who know what that kiss lead to? Imagining it makes
me feel sick and guilty.

And Dad...I don't know anymore. He finally lets me do my own thing. Ano na lang ang
sasabihin niya? I'm not even halfway done on my college, and now I'm pregnant. Ano
na lang ang sasabihin ng mga kaibigan ni Dad? That Dad raised someone unworthy of
his surname like me? I don't even have a husband, nor a boyfriend! They'll think
that I just slept with random guys I found in the streets.

I want this baby. This is my child. I made him. I have this feeling that the baby
is a boy. I just hope he looks like me. I'd rather have him resemble me than his
father. Questions will arise, and I don't think he can handle the drama and
consequences of all the wrongdoings I've done.

I can take the world punishing me for my sins, but not my child. Isa pa, I can
handle the backlash from the public, from Dad's friends, from people at school, and
from my sister.

"D-Does Dad know that I'm pregnant? Is he mad?" tanong ko at sinubukang kumalma.
Umiwas ng tingin sa 'kin si Adira. She shifted her gaze to Raven.

Raven lifted his head to meet my eyes. He crouched on the other side of the bed.
Maingat niyang dinagan ang kaniyang braso sa aking hitang natatakluban ng makapal
nakumot. Adira reached for my hand again.

The sullen look on their faces got me worried. Is Dad mad? Did they leave me alone
again? Am I going to get abandoned for the second time around?

"I can handle this. It's not the end of the world. I am just pregnant—"

"You were pregnant," putol ni Raven sa aking sinasabi. He gulped hard and craned
his neck upwards before weakly staring at me.

"You were, Emmanuelle. You were. You...You lost the baby."

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman.

It was like my system froze, my heartbeat stopped, and my mind went blank all at
once. My lips parted in shock and in attempt to speak, but no words came out of my
mouth. Humigpit ang kapit sa akin Adira. Their sobs broke the silence enveloping
this sad room.
Nanghina ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iisipin. Losing the baby will make it
easier for my situation. I wouldn't have to temporarily quit school. I wouldn't
have to speak to Dad about this. Hindi na kailangang gumawa ng excuse. Hindi ko na
kailangang kabahan pa sa sasabihin ng ibang tao. Hindi na ako mag-aalala na may
makaalam kung sino ang tunay na ama ng bata.

But, no...I didn't think of the child as a burden. No matter how drastic the
changes in my life will be, no matter how many people I end up losing because of
the child, I do not care. I can handle all those. For my baby.

But in just a snap, my last string of hope vanished, again. Kung kailan naman may
pagkakapitan na ako at kukuhanan ng lakas ng loob, binawi naman agad sa 'kin.

Just like that, all the fragile dreams that I am just forming inside my head were
mercilessly crushed.

May natitira pa ba sa 'kin?

I just silently cried while the two of them held me carefully. My guy friends
rarely cry. Raven's breaking down right here beside me, as if he's sharing the same
sentiments. I wonder how Diesel is feeling right now.

NAKATULOG ATA AKO sa pag-iyak. I do not know when they left. Hindi na nila ako
ginising. I saw Diesel's jacket resting on the couch. Naririnig ko rin ang lagaslas
ng tubig sa banyo.

I felt drained, like I just didn't want function anymore. Gusto ko munang mawala
kahit saglit. Maybe come back when I have enough strength to even get myself out of
the bed.

Diesel stepped out of the bathroom. Iba na ang suot niyang damit at may nakasukbit
na tuwalya sa kaniyang leeg. His eyes were still bloodshot. He crouched. He tousled
my hair.

"Nakapag-isip ka na ba ng pangalan?" tanong niya. I can sense that he's trying to

keep his strong façade in front of me. Among us, Diesel always seemed like the
strongest one, the unbreakable, the most resilient. It makes me wonder if he also
cries himself to sleep sometimes...if he has his own battles to win, but he chooses
to help me and his friends.

Umiling ako. "Hindi pa, e," kaswal kong sabi. Diesel closed his eyes shut. He is
trying to hold back his tears, I can see that. He doesn't want to make the
atmosphere heavier by crying in front of me.

"What about we name him after me, hm? It's a boy, right?" tanong niya. This time,
he failed. Saglit na nabasag ang kaniyang boses. He quickly turned his back on me
and patted his face with the towel. Hinarap niya akong muli na parang walang
nangyari.

Alam namin parehas na wala pang kasarian ang batang dinala ko. I was just five
weeks pregnant. But of course, it's nice to daydream, right?

"Yeah, sure," simple kong sabi at bahagyang natawa. Diesel faintly smiled at me.
Hinapit niya ang likod ng aking ulo at inilapit sa kaniya. I felt him kissing my
forehead again.

"You'll be alright...."
Hinapit ko ang katawan ni Diesel palapit sa akin. I felt like at the moment, all
that I really needed was a hug from someone who genuinely cared...and who chose to
stay despite everything that happened.

"I KNOW WE shouldn't really talk about this, but...does he know?" maingat na tanong
ni Diesel habang hinihipan iyong arroz caldo. He insisted that I had to eat. Well,
the hospital food just came in at alam namin parehas na hindi ko iyon kakainin
dahil paniguradong wala iyong lasa.

Umiling ako. Wala na rin naman siyang dapat malaman. Wala na iyong bata. Wala na
siyang responsibilidad na haharapin. Not that I'll demand things from him in case
the child lived.

"The guy who assaulted you is now facing charges. The girls are expelled from the
university. Wala ka nang aalalahanin," he said, completely dropping the previous
topic. I snatched the food from him and smiled. Seriously, what will I do without
my friends?

"Where's Dad?"tanong ko kay Diesel.

"Work. Seriously, the timing is really off. He's with my father," sagot niya.

Around lunch, Vivian came. Ni hindi niya ako tiningnan nang pumunta siya sa may
lamesita at nilapag iyong mga prutas doon. I looked at Diesel. Minamasdan niya rin
nang maigi ang bawat galaw ni Vivian.

Nang kuhanin ni Vivian muli ang bag niya ay hinigit ko ang kaniyang braso upang
hindi siya umalis.

Why is she not talking to me? Ni hindi niya ako tiningnan!

Diesel only layed down on the couch and covered his face with his jacket. Talagang
pumirmi siya rito dahil sabi niya'y nangako siya kay Dad na babantayan niya ako.

"Vi...what's wrong?" tanong ko. She slowly turned to face me. Pulang-pula ang
morena niyang mukha at namumugto ang mga mata. I pulled her closer. I shifted on my
position and let her sit beside me.

"I'm sorry. Kung hindi kita pinilit na sumama, sana hindi ka naabutan nina Mik—"
She didn't get to finish her sentence. She bursted into tears and snatched her
wrist away from me.

"No...don't blame yourself," nanghihina kong tugon. She bit her lower lip and
fidgeted with her fingers. I'm sure she had no idea that Nicholas' girlfriend was
there. Dahil alam kong kung alam niya, baka hindi ko na nakita si Mika roon. Baka
naabutan ko pa siyang kinakaladkad 'yung babaeng 'yon palabas.

"I hate you!" she shouted and covered her face as her shoulders violently shook.

"Why?" tanong ko. This is exactly what happened when I got rushed to the hospital
for attempting to end my life. She hated me. She told me that she hated me.

And deep down, I know she didn't mean it. I know she meant the entire opposite.

"Bakit hindi ka galit sa 'kin?! K-Kasalanan ko naman kung bakit nawala 'yung baby m
—"

Pumalatak ako at hinapit siya palapit. Pasimple kong nilingon si Diesel na

nagkukunwari pa rin na tulog sa sofa. He knows when to interrupt. And he definitely
knows that Vivian will not be comfortable if he's going to show her he's also
listening.

"I'm fine.Now, go peel some oranges..." saad ko upang kumalma siya.

I haven't entirely accepted the loss of my child, but I have to move on as fast as
I can. Instead of weeping, might as well use this opportunity to grow and reflect.
My friends will help me get through this. I have to help myself, too. They are all
trying, but their efforts will be put to waste if I don't cooperate.

You cannot heal someone who doesn't want to be healed.

I STILL HAVE to stay in the hospital because of some minor injuries, and by Dad's
orders, so kahit na pabayaran ko muna kay Diesel ang bill ay hindi pa rin ako
makalalabas dito kahit na gusto ko nang umuwi sa bahay dahil ang creepy talaga ng
mga ospital.

Apparently, Diesel really fell asleep on the couch. Vivian told me that they all
went to the hospital when I passed out. She tried to skip the details about Diesel,
but I forced her to tell me the truth. Turns out, Diesel chased the guy who
attacked me. She didn't want to elaborate, but she said the guy ended up in the
ICU, and is currently facing charges, too. Kapag na-discharge ito ay sa kulungan na
ang diretso. Hindi na rin nagsampa ng kaso laban kay Diesel ang pamilya ng lalaki.
I'm not sure why, pero may hinala ako na natakot sila dahil sa Villaecija ang
kalalabanin nila. Magsasayang lang sila ng pera dahil sa huli, hindi naman sila
mananalo sa mga 'yon.

Napalingon kami ni Vivian sa pinto nang may kumatok. She stood up to get the door.
Si Diesel ay tulog na tulog pa sa sofa, nahulog na nga iyong jacket niya sa sahig.

I squinted. Naalala ko 'yong sinabi niya sa bahay na taken na raw siya ngunit
hanggang ngayon naman ay wala siyang nasasabi sa akin. I reached for my pillow and
threw it at his direction. His brows furrowed as he threw the pillow back to me
with irritation. Umayos na siya ng upo at pupungas-pungas pa.

"Vesper."

Napalingon ako kay Vivian. She awkwardly smiled and jerked her thumbs towards the
door. "I'm going." Nilibot niya ang tingin sa paligid. Her eyes stopped at Diesel's
direction and she quickly went there to pick up his jacket. Ang inaantok pa na si
Diesel ay hinigit niya sa palapulsuhan. "And I'm taking this guy with me."

Saglit niyang nilingon si Dad. She faintly smiled. "Bye, Tito," paalam niya at
halos takbuhin na ang pinto para makalabas. I flinched when Diesel accidentally hit
the wall. Mukhang iyon ang nagpagising sa kaniya at hinimas niya ang kaniyang
pisngi bago siya na mismo ang humila kay Vivian palabas. I think I heard him cuss,
too.

Dad's on his fine three piece suit. Umupo siya sa gilid ng aking kama. I gave him
half of the orange Vivian peeled for me. Tinanggap niya naman iyon.

Actually, I am not surprised in case he's disappointed right now. I mean, he may be
strict and all that, but he had dreams for me, at hindi kasama ito sa mga pangarap
niya para sa 'kin.

"I'm sorry, Dad," panimula ko. Umiling siya at hinarap ako.

"No, kid. I'm sorry. I wasn't a good father to you."

He weakly smiled. My chest tightened with the attempt to hold back my own tears.
Kusa akong tumabi sa kaniya at hinilig ang aking ulo sa kaniyang balikat.

"I-If only your Mom was alive, she would have noticed, right? Ako, hindi ko man
lang napansin na...na buntis ka na pala. Kung alam ko lang, I would have just caged
you inside the house for your safety."

He is not asking about the father and it was on my favour. May parte sa akin na
kinakabahan dahil baka alam na niya kaya hindi niya na binabanggit. Or maybe, he
just don't want to add stress on me and he genuinely has no idea.

"You were violated when I was gone. And now that I'm here, I still failed to
protect you and do my job as a father."

Dad caged me in his arms. I wrapped my arms around him. I'm sure he's tired with
his work, but he came here to visit me. When I was at the hospital because of the
accident after running way from the engagement party, I didn't even see him. When I
was at the hospital and they successfully revived me, he was in New York. Ngayon
lang ata ako na-ospital na kasama ko siya, na dumalaw siya.

"I lost my first grandchild. It was because of my negligence. I'm sorry, Vesper.
I'm sorry."

Hinagod ko ang likod ng aking ama. At first, I was busy thinking that everything
was my fault, I didn't notice that other people are blaming themselves, too. We
were all hurting. If I was too consumed with my own pain, I wouldn't even notice.
We have to heal ourselves. We have to help each other move on.

Dad kept on hinting to have me consult a therapist, but in all honesty, I don't
need it. I have always stayed connected with the reality, and it's not easy for me
to embrace it right now, but I can manage. Isa pa, I don't think I'll ever think of
doing that again. My friends need me, too.

Adira was the one who accompanied me for the night since Dad had been receiving
calls and e-mails from work. Sabagay, isang linggo na siyang hindi nagtatrabaho.
Natural lamang na matambakan siya ng gawain.

I haven't seen my sister yet. I forgot to ask Dad about it before he left. When I
woke up, si Diesel at Raven ang nadatnan ko at wala na si Adira.

"DON'T YOU HAVE classes?" tanong ko kay Diesel. Si Raven kasi ay nagpaalam na
papasok. Dumalaw lang talaga siya para dalahan ako ng pagkain.

"Ikaw din naman, a," aniya habang busy sa ginagawa niya. It looks like a floor
plan. It reminded me of the plates I have to pass once I go back to school.

"Extended ang deadlines ko. Ikaw?" tanong ko. He just shrugged.

Hanggang bukas pa ang stay ko dito sa ospital. They'll discharge me tomorrow night
and I'll attend school by Wednesday. That's a lot of lectures to catch up on, and I
heard I have to pass four plates. Pero bahala na rin. Sa totoo lang ay ayaw ko na
pumasok dahil sa Biyernes naman ay simula na rin ng Christmas break. Pero ayaw ko
rin namang maka-miss ng dagdag lecture kung sakali mang meron pang magtuturo sa
tatlong araw na 'yon.

Inilapag ko ang kinakain. Diesel was focused on what he's doing. Sa sofa ay
nakapatong ang kaniyang malaking pencil case. Ayaw ni Diesel na may kung sino-sino
ang humahawak n'on. Saulo niya ata ang laman ng pencil case na 'yon. I swear he
almost gave Raven a black-eye when he got a sign pen from that case without
permission.

He reached for his red Copic marker. Napalingon siya sa akin dahil siguro sa
naramdaman niya ang panonood ko sa kaniyang kinikilos.

"What? Ask away, Emma. Ang creepy mong tumingin," aniya. He bit the tip of the
marker to remove its cap.

Humalumbaba ako. "Who's your girlfriend?" tanong ko. Natigilan siya. The cap of his
marker is still in between his teeth, and the pen is suspended in the air.
Tinagilid ko ang aking ulo. He said that I can ask. He must answer, then.

Nang matauhan ay bumalik siya sa ginagawa. "Wala," sagot niya.

"You told Dad that your heart is taken," sabi ko, naalala pa iyong mga sinabi niya
sa bahay noon.

There was a ghost of a smile on his lips. He suppressed that by biting his lower
lip. Nilingon niya ako. "That doesn't mean that she's my girlfriend. 'Pag ba sinabi
kong may nagugustuhan ako, girlfriend ko na agad?"

I chuckled. "I mean, you're theDiego Anselmo Villaecija. Girls line up for you.
Hindi ba automatic na 'yon?" taka kong tanong.

He snickered. Pumalatak siya at umiling. "Not her, though." Saglit niya akong
tinapunan ng tingin. "My tigress is different," he whispered.

My eyes widened when I saw him grinning. Diesel never gets serious with girls! Not
ever! Nang makita ang ekspresyon ko ay umiling siya. "Stop looking at me like
that!" saway niya.

"Sino?!" pangungulit ko. He closed his eyes shut and gathered all his pens and
placed it back inside his pencil case.

"Wala nga, Emma! Stop asking about my non-existent love life!"

Lalong lumakas ang halakhak ko nang mapansin na namumula siya. Diesel never gets
flustered and shy! Whoever that girl is, she's got Diesel wrapped on her fingers.

"OMG! Bata 'yan, 'no?" tanong ko. He groaned. Nabato ko tuloy siya ng unan.

"Minor? Seriously, Diesel?" I said, quite shocked and do not know how to react if
that's the case. But knowing him, he's probably respecting her age. Diesel isn't
like Archer.

"No!" mabilis niyang kontra. "What the fuck?" Miski siya ay nandiri sa naisip ko.

Sinambot ko ang unan nang ibato niya iyon pabalik. He placed his things inside his
bag. Namumula pa rin ang kaniyang tainga kahit na pinipilit niyang magmukhang
suplado.

We both turned our gazes to the door when it clicked. My smile faded. Napaawang ang
labi ni Diesel.

"Is it—is it okay?" tanong ni Emmarie. She probably noticed our unwelcoming
expressions. I nodded. Nabigla lang talaga ako sa biglaan niyang pagdating. Diesel
cleared his throat.

"Just in time. May pupuntahan kasi ako," saad niya at pasimple akong tiningnan. I
only nodded at him. He gave Emmarie one last glance before he slammed the door
shut.

Malakas ang kabog ng puso ko nang mapansing hindi ngumingiti si Emmarie. She sat on
the side of my bed. Inilagay niya ang takas na buhok sa likod ng kaniyang tainga.

"Are you...okay?" tanong niya at malungkot na ngumiti. Tumango ako.

We both fell silent.

"Ikaw...ayos ka lang?" mahina kong tanong pabalik. I saw her blink rapidly before
turning to face me. She tried to smile but failed. Napatakip ang kaniyang palad sa
kaniyang bibig at tuluyan nang bumuhos ang kaniyang luha.

Sumakit ang dibdib ko sa pagwawala ng aking puso sa loob. I reached for her hand
but she immediately stood up, her heels making sounds as it hit the floor. She
reached for her handkerchief and just stood a meter away from my bed. Humalukipkip
siya.

"I'm notokay," saad niya sa namamaos na boses. She looked up the ceiling and
delicately touched the insides of her eyes with her fingers to prevent the incoming
tears from falling.

Nanlamig ang aking loob. I found it hard to breathe when she stared at me.

"Why?" tanong ko.

I think I already know the answer, but I'm too afraid to accept it.

She bit her lower lip. Hindi na niya napigilan ang mabilis na pagpatak ng kaniyang
mga luha. I was about to stand up when she gestured for me to stop. Umiling siya.

"I know." Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga at pinunasan ang pisngi gamit ang
panyo. She fanned herself with her palm.

She smiled weakly at me. It was then replaced with a humourless smirk.

Her chinky eyes turned sharp, even with the tears flooding her vision, I can still
see clearly how angry she is at the moment.

My heart broke when it finally dawned on me.

"I...know who the father of your child is. Unfortunately, it's my boyfriend...isn't
it?"

☽☾

Chapter 33

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti31
chapter thirty-one

THIS IS BY far the most heartbreaking silence I've heard in my whole life. Hindi
ako nakatugon. I couldn't even look away from her. Basang-basa na ang pisngi niya
ng mga luhang hindi tumitigil. I clutched on the sheets to remove it from me.
Mabilis siyang umatras nang palapit na ako.

"J-Just answer me! Please!" she cried. I opened my mouth to speak, but I closed it
immediately. This isn't how I imagined it to be. Not this sudden. Not right now. I
pushed my hair back, and my hands remained on my nape. She maintained a defensive
stance.

"Ano?" namamaos niyang tanong nang umiling ako. The word 'yes' is a one-syllable
word, but right now, I found it hard to utter that answer. I couldn't even speak!
Hindi ko alam kung sasagot ba muna ako o pakakalmahin siya. She's mad, alright!
She's mad at me! I get it! But I need to tell her that I didn't know! Would that
sound too defensive? But it's the truth!

"Answer me, please," she begged.

I wanted to touch her, to hold her, to make her feel that I'm no longer her enemy
for I have long ago surrendered. I am not going to put up a war against her just
because of a guy. It's over. I waved the white flag and we haven't even started
yet. She can have him. And I swear, I will never bother them again. I am betting
all my cards in this one, that I am true to my words.

I can't break her like this. I have to be careful. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin
niya ba na biglaan akong umamin. She needs to know the story behind everything
first. But right now, she doesn't look like she'll listen.

"What now?! Bakit hindi ka makasagot?!" I flinched with her sudden shouting. I
clenched my fists and closed my eyes shut. I need to do this. There is no escaping
this.

"Yes," I whispered, finally giving her the truth that will probably make her hate
me.

Gusto kong dagdagan iyon ng buong eksplanasyon ngunit tuluyang bumigay ang kaniyang
mga tuhod at napasalampak siya sa sahig. Her expensive bag made a loud thud against
the hospital room's floor. Lalong lumakas ang kaniyang paghagulgol. I tried to take
a step forward but she immediately pushed herself away from me.

She is mad. Is she also disgusted with me? Probably.

Goddamn, what the heck is this trouble I got into?

She immediately picked herself up. Nagpapadyak siya sa sahig habang pinapalis ang
kaniyang mga luha. She gestured the bed.

"Okay. I appreciate your honesty." Tumikhim siya. Nanginginig pa rin ang kaniyang
mga balikat na mistulang hindi niya kayang tigilan ang pag-iyak. She tried to
smile. "Go back to bed. You lost your child. You need rest," aniya sa basag na
boses.

My heart sunk at that. She definitely didn't sound sarcastic.

I thought she hates me. I know she does. Why won't she show it?

Why does my well-being matter right now that her heart's been shattered? Now that
she feels betrayed?

I was about to speak when she silenced me with her palm. She pointed the bed.
Bumagsak ang balikat ko at bumalik sa pagkakaupo roon. She wiped her tears with her
handkerchief. Tumingala siya at tanging ang nangingnig na paghinga niya lamang ang
maririnig sa kwarto.

"I'll just..." aniya. Hindi na niya natuloy ang sasabihin at pumasok na sa banyo.
Kahit na sa makapal na materyal ng pinto ay rinig ko ang paghagulgol niya sa loob
at ang pagdaloy ng tubig mula sa gripo ng sink.

I wanted to stand up and go there with her. I just wanted to hold her while she
cries and I'll apologize, but I think she doesn't want that.

All through the years, I have always been the one she's leaning on when she's
breaking down like this. She doesn't go to her goody-two-shoes friends, not to Dad,
nor Mom. Sa akin—ako ang kinakapitan niya. Ako ang sinasandalan niya. She felt like
she can only be real with me.

But of course, right now, it's not going to happen. Paano niya ako lalapitan para
sa lunas kung ako mismo ang sumira sa kaniya?

I am such...a terrible person.

This is why I hate myself.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal akong naghintay na lumabas siya. I was getting
scared that she'll do something inside, because I know how hurt she is right now.
I've experienced the pain that makes you want to die. Emmarie is only human. No
matter how sanguine she is, she can also feel that way. And I'm scared that she'll
do the same thing that I did. After all, we're carved from the same bones, moulded
from the same flesh.

Bahagyang nabawasan ang aking kaba nang lumabas na siya. Pugto ang kaniyang mata,
ang buhok ay makalat at magulo. Sinara niya ang pinto ng banyo at humilig dito. She
slowly let herself fall on the floor.

She looked lifeless. The girl who I considered the sun, her flames are flickering.
The embodiment of hope is now slowly faltering.

And it's all my fault.

"You were drunk, right?" tanong niya.

Kumunot ang noo ko. What did she say?

"What?"

Tumikhim siya. "You were drunk. He was drunk, too. He probably thought you were me
or whatsoever. It happened just once, right? And it was an accident."

I gasped. Kalmado na siyang nagsasalita habang nakaupo sa isang gilid. But I can't
believe this. She can be mad at me! She can hurt me if she wants! She does not need
to justify anything!

I'm not asking her to be kind to me. That would be impossible. And I can accept her
wrath, anyway! But this is what I can't accept: the way she is talking right now.
She's drifting away from the reality. She doesn't...want to accept it, but she has
to.

And my child...my child wasn't an accident.

"No," sagot ko. She closed her eyes shut as another round of tears came. Umiling
siya.

"It was a mistake, Emmanuelle! It's okay! I will not judge you!" pagpupumilit niya
sa kung ano ang tingin niyang totoo.

What does she want to hear, then? That Adonis was faithful to her? That he remained
committed to her? That I wasn't aware of who I was sleeping with? That
everything...was just pure coincidence? Bakit ba hindi niya matanggap?

He cheated on her! Biktima rin ako dahil wala akong kaalam-alam! But of course, I'm
giving her the right to be mad at me because she was cheated on! Kahit na parehas
naman kaming walang kasalanan dito! Kasi kung alam ko lang na may girlfriend si
Adonis, hindi ko na siya nilingon pa kahit kailan!

"It wasn't a mistake!" sigaw ko, ngayon ay medyo galit na. Umiling si Emmarie. God!
Why is she doing this to herself?

"Admit it, Emmanuelle! There's just no way it can happen—"

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili. I stood up and marched towards her which shut her
up.

"Adonis didn't tell me that he has a girlfriend. He came up to me, asked to be

friends, and it escalated! It didn't happen in a random night while we were
clubbing! Do you even know your boyfriend? Hindi siya mahilig sa ganoong lugar! We
don't have anything in common except for school! Ang layo pa nga ng building niya
sa 'kin, e! He came up to me! And it didn't happen just once! We were together for
almost five months! It happened whenever we wanted! I had no idea that you were in
his life! Kung alam ko lang, hindi 'to nangyayari ngayon!"

She continued crying. She buried her face on her palms. I put my arms around me to
calm myself down. Pinalis ko ang mga luha gamit ang sariling palad.

"You think so low of me, huh? All this time, I knew you were better than me. You
are the crowd's favourite. The spotlight loves you...and you deserve it, but you
looked at me like I'm your equal, like you're no better than me. Tapos ngayon, you
think...your first nephew is a product of a one-night-stand? Ano ang tingin mo sa
'kin, Emmarie? Ano 'yong totoo? You think like everyone else, I bet! I'm a slut for
sleeping with your boyfriend, am I not?!"

Tila may punyal na tumatarak sa aking dibdib nang pakawalan ko ang mga salitang
iyon. No matter how people compared us, no matter how people made me feel less
because of her, no matter how I felt really low when I'm standing beside her...she
told me not to mind them, not to listen to them because they were wrong.

Hindi ko kailanman pinag-isipan ng masama si Emmarie. But now that I heard those
kinds of words from her, nagdadalawang-isip na ata ako. She's probably as fucked up
as me, then. She's just good at hiding it.

"There's just...no way in hell this is happening—"

"It is happening now, Emmarie! Wake up!" bulyaw ko sa kaniya. Bahagya akong umatras
nang tumayo siya. She looked straight into my eyes and firmly shook her head.

Napapikit ako. This is frustrating!

"Listen here," mahinahon kong sabi. "Your boyfriend is not as nice as you think.
But know this, I am letting him go for you. I don't need him. You do. Kung alam ko
lang, sana hindi na 'to nangyari. I promise to never bother you both ever again. We
can put all of these in the past once you're ready. I'll wait for you to accept me
again. But my child was not a mistake, okay? Ginusto ko 'yong nangyari. At sigurado
ako, na kahit mali, ginusto niya ri—"

I yelped when she gave me a hard slap. Namanhid ata ang pisngi ko sa lakas n'on. I
took a step back and calmed myself down.

She's upset. I can accept this. She can pull my hair out and drag me outside for
everyone to know what I did and I won't complain. I deserve this, and she needs to
let her anger out.

"Sinungaling ka.... You don't have to let him go for me, Emmanuelle! He wasn't
yours in the first place!"

Napahilamos na lamang ako sa aking mukha. Why can't she accept the fact that Adonis
and I had a past? Even if it was wrong, we shared something! Now that I'm telling
her the truth, ayaw naman niyang tanggapin! When will she accept his, huh? Kapag sa
iba niya narinig?

I was about to do another outburst of mixed anger and frustration, but when I saw
her weakly shaking her head and crying, my heart softened.

Why is she this desperate to keep Adonis' name clean?

"He told me he'll try for me! Nangako siya! Bakit siya babalik sa'yo, 'di ba?! Bago
ako umalis, nangako siya na susubukan niya akong pagbigyan! He told me he'll try to
get over you!" she said while stomping her feet.

Natigilan ako sa kaniyang sinabi. I watched her kneel in front of me. Hinagip niya
ang aking kamay sa aking hita. She rested her head on my lap.

"What do you mean?" tanong ko. Hindi siya makasagot. She kept on crying.

Gulong-gulo na ako. I tried to lift her head up but she wouldn't budge.

Get over me? He promised her what? What will he try? Bago sila umalis? Three years
ago, he told Emmarie that he'll get over me? But we didn't even know each other....
How come? It doesn't add up.

"Tell me, Emmarie. Please explain. Naguguluhan ako," I almost begged. Hinagip ko
ang kaniyang pisngi. I ran my fingers through her cheeks. Patuloy siya sa pag-iyak.

I remember the two of us, in her room with the glow-in-the-dark stickers on her
ceiling, with me holding her like this—trying to make her tears go away, talking
over her problems with a bucket of ice cream. We will share our secrets. We will
show each other the scars no one has seen yet. We will tell each other the stories
we've been keeping to ourselves. And no one...not a single soul...will know about
it. Our bond was unbreakable.

"I'm sorry," bulong ko habang pinapalis ang kaniyang mga luha.

"I was so jealous of you! So jealous!" she screamed. Her hands tried to get me away
from her but she's too weak to succeed. Pinagpatuloy ko ang pagpalis sa mga luha
niya.

We're still sisters. We're still each other's best friend. Nothing will ever change
that.

"It wasn't me who he liked...it was you."

Hinagip niya ang aking kamay na nasa kaniyang pisngi. She held it tighly. "The high
school sweetheart things that I told you? I wish," she bit her lower lip, "I wish
that was real."

Umupo siya sa aking tabi, hindi pa rin binibitiwan ang kamay ko. "He wasn't into
older girls, like what I said before. He was just into someone else...someone that
wasn't me, and that's the reason he never looked my way. No matter how much the
spotlight is on me, he'd rather see who's in the front row of audiences, who runs
to me the moment I go down the stage, the first one who congratulates me...."

Oh, my god. Tila pinipiga na ang baga ko sa hirap huminga. To take everything in—
it's difficult.

She inhaled sharply. "He agreed to be friends with me. I didn't like that, you
know?"

I gasped. I pulled her closer to me. Matindi ang pagkabog ng aking puso.

"H-He likes you...but you wouldn't even bother looking at anyone, so I told him
that...I can try to change his mind and make him fall for me instead if he'll give
me a chance."

Bahagya ko siyang inilayo sa 'kin at hinawakan sa balikat. Her lips quivered as she
tried to continue talking while trying to hold back her tears as well.

"I was so jealous of you! You get to choose what you want to do with your life!
People don't expect a lot from you! You don't know how hard it is to feel the
pressure from everyone! Everyone's expecting me to go home with the gold! I can't
fail! I-I can't shove away people's hands when I feel like they're being too touchy
at public events! I can't make a scene! I have to carry Dad's image everywhere! I
can't even take a rest because if I do, I might fail! I started at the top, and the
option that's left for me is just to soar even higher! But what if I just want to
rest? Pa'no kung gusto ko na lang ding um-absent kung kailan ko gusto? Paano kung
hindi ko na talaga kayang ibigay 'yong gusto nila?"

I pulled her closer to me again. Hindi ko ininda ang panunulak niya sa akin palayo.
I didn't know about these. I didn't know about her pain. I didn't know she had
those troubles.

I didn't know about Adonis. Hindi ko alam na hindi pala talaga sila. Well, he told
me once, but don't expect me to believe him! Ngayong galing na mismo sa bibig ng
kapatid ko ay nahihirapan pa rin akong tanggapin.

Emmarie—the girl in the spotlight, the headlines of school newspapers, the kind of
daughter everyone would be proud of having...had to beg for his love?

Everyone loves Emmarie. Everyone likes her. The only people who hate her were the
ones who were insecure with her surname, talents, intellect, fine character, and
her beauty. She's everyone's dream girl, the kind of girls you find in books and
movies, unbelievably close to perfection—flaws almost unnoticeable, close to non-
existent. And she...she had to beg for someone's attention? She had to force
someone to love her? Why? Maraming nagmamahal sa kaniya!

But I guess, it really works that way, huh? A thousand admirers cannot compete with
the one and only person you love.

"A-Akala ko ako na, e," she sobbed. She gently pushed me away.
"Please, Emmanuelle.Give him to me...and we'll start over. Clean slate, please?"

And now she's here, begging for me to leave her and the guy of her dreams alone.

That guy of her dreams was part of my dreams, too. And now I'm starting to think
twice on what I think of him.

Maybe he did love me. Maybe he still does.

And I know deep inside me, that I probably cannot move on from this. We lost a
child. We lost our baby. Habambuhay ko na lang bang isisikreto 'yon?

Now that everything's revealed, I am given my options, but I can't seem to choose.

It was supposed to be easy, right? If he loves me, and I'm willing to take him
back, then we'll just go on with our lives. But my sister...she's waiting for him.
She wants him. And I'm sure, that all those trophies and medals she bagged, cannot
compete with this.

He is all she ever wanted.

But what about me?

Well, nothing comes easy in Emmanuelle Vesper Gorotizca's life. The universe hates
me so much.

Tumango ako. Mabilis niya akong niyakap. I closed my eyes shut and silently cried
for the love that I just let go, for the love that I just gave away, for the love
that I sacrificed.

Clean slate, it is. I can deal with a broken heart, but not with a broken
relationship with my sister. I can deal with the heartache. I have to try.

"THIS IS YOUR sister?"

Tumango ako sa tanong ni Mirae. Hawak-hawak niya iyong larawan namin ni Emmarie
bago pa sila umalis sa Pinas nina Dad. Mirae slowly let her back fall on the couch
and adjusted her position. I rolled my eyes when she rested her red stilettos on
the glass material of the table. Agad akong lumapit at sapilitang tinanggal ang
kaniyang paa sa centre table. She groaned at that.

"Okay, okay! Ito na nga..." aniya at umayos ng upo. Sinipat ni Mirae ulit 'yung
larawan. I sat beside her.

"She looked pretty, but, you look prettier," komento niya. Napairap na lamang ako
at ini-snatch sa kaniya iyong larawan bago nagtungo sa maleta kong nakabukas pa at
hindi pa handa lahat ng gamit na iuuwi ko. I mean, I'm not even ready to go home,
yet!

And no, I'm not afraid of bumping into him. Ang mas kinatatakot ko ay makita ko ang
mga kaibigan ko. I don't want Vivian to pull my hair! Ang mahal kaya ng ginastos ko
dito!

Her stilettos created crisp sounds as she followed me. Umupo siya sa aking kama.
"Fine, fine! Sorry! You hated comparing! Sinasabi ko lang naman, okay? I mean, from
a photographer's point of view, you look better! No bias intended," maarte niyang
saad.

I only gave her a stern look and she just rolled her eyes. Umiling ako sa kaniya
dahil alam ko na ang idudugtong niya roon.

"Come on! Try modelling! What's the use of that pretty face and body if you're just
going to stay inside the four corners of your office," she said, making air
quotations as she said the last word. Sabi na nga ba at doon ang hantong ng aming
usapan.

"No, Mirs. I don't like modelling. Besides, I don't have any experiences," sagot
ko. Sumimangot naman siya at nagkibit-balikat.

"So that's what happened between you and her, huh?" mahina niyang bulong. Napatigil
ako sa pagtitiklop ng damit at nilingon siya. I nodded. Totoo nga talaga ata 'yung
kasabihang, 'pag matalino, tanga sa pag-ibig.

Hindi na muling umimik si Mirae dahil nanonood siya ng TV habang patuloy ako sa
pag-iipake. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung paano pagkakasyahin itong lahat sa
maleta ko. I don't know but I have this feeling that Dad wants to stay in the
Philippines for good. Kahit anong pilit ko na manatili ako rito ay ayaw niya
talaga. Well, he's old and I don't want to deprive him of his supposedly simple
request.

Ugh. No. It's nota simplerequest. Going home is basically wishing for my own death.
Hindi na nga ako nagpaalam sa mga kaibigan ko na bigla akong aalis, tapos biglaan
din akong uuwi? The guys, yes, they can take it. But the girls? I doubt. Baka
mamaya e hampasin ako ni Adira ng drumsticks hanggang sa bukol-bukol na ako.

"You're seriously leaving...."

Napalingon ako kay Mirae. She frowned upon seeing my luggagges. Tumango lamang ako.
I have no choice.

"I guess I'll just be alone in my penthouse, do shoots on my own, go to parties

alone, eat at Gramercy Tavern alone.... Oh, isasama sana kita kaso, you're going
home, right?" paawa niyang sabi.

Mirae can be this dramatic. Madrama niyang kinuha iyong kopita ng sparkling water
at mabagal na ininom. She even clutched it near her chest and sighed, like a damsel
in distress in operas. Napa-irap na lamang ako.

"Since I'll be alone in Fifth Avenue, and you know I can't stand being alone at my
penthouse—you know it's too big for someone like me, and I have no one to accompany
me since you're gone, and you know looking at people at the Central Park by my
windows isn't really my thing, because they all have poor fashion taste and it
hurts my eyes..." saglit siyang umirap sa gitna ng kaniyang pekeng pagdadrama,
"I'll probably just stay at The Palace Hotel. I know it doesn't feel like home, but
it doesn't matter, right? My best friend is leaving me. I don't know what home is
anymore. I'm so lonely," pagdadrama niya ngunit nakita ko ang bahagya niyang
pagngiti sa sinasabi.

"Alright! Fine!" pagsuko ko at kinuha iyong tinutunggaan niya. She smirked at me.
Sometimes, I want to claw her eyes out. She's such a drama queen!

"First of all, this is just Perrier. Stop acting like it's mojito or something,"
panimula ko. She chuckled.

"Okay lang naman sa 'kin na sumama ka sa 'kin pauwi—"

She didn't let me finish my sentence, of course! My voice drowned on her high-
pitched squeaks. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari sa tainga ko kung
pagsasamahin ko sila ni Vivian sa iisang kwarto.

"Thank you! Thank you!" patili niyang sabi at niyakap ang aking bewang. Her
family's in Europe and she's alone here. Ako lang ang kasama niya at alam kong
hindi siya tatagal ng isang buwan na mag-isa lamang. She almost set our kitchen on
fire trying to make breakfast!

"Pero uunahan na kita, you don't have any valets there," saad ko. She nodded and
raised one of her brows. Dadagdagan ko pa sana ngunit napatigil na lang ako at
napatahimik.

Mirae Lim is high-maintenanced! Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko bang nasa Pinas at
kasama ang kaartehan niya!

"We don't have hotels like The New York Palace. We don't have penthouses like what
you own. Magkano nga ulit 'yon? Two million dollars?" I rolled my eyes.

She innocently smiled. "Actually, it's three million and six hundred thousand
dollars."

See?

I facepalmed. Narinig ko ang kaniyang halakhak.

"Sunod, you won't find a bar like The Campbell there," I added. Tumango lang naman
siya na mukhang wala talagang problema.

Pero, dapat may problema siya! She should be complaining! This is Mirae Lim! The
Mirae Lim! Iyong suot niya pa lang ngayon ay pwede nang bumuhay ng isang syudad sa
isang taon! O higit pa!

"The streets aren't like Madison Avenue—"

"Okay, okay! Stop! I get it! Seriously, you don't have to worry about me! Isa pa, I
want to meet your friends!" pigil niya at ngumiti. She reached for her phone and
smiled sweetly at me.

I groaned. "Hello, Nancy. Pack my things. I'm going to the Philippines," simple
niyang sabi at binato ang phone sa aking kama. "Done!"

Easy as that. Yeah, right. Lahat na lang ata ng bagay ay pwede niyang iutos dahil
sa dami ng serbidora nila.

Napairap na lamang ako. Binalikan ko ang aking maleta at pinagkasya lahat ng dala.

"But we have to go to 74th Street first, my things are at our townhouse." Mirae
continued rambling. Her voice was drowned by my thoughts. Something felt really
heavy in my heart as I looked at the album of old pictures.

I inhaled sharply and reached for Emmarie and I's photograph—two 15-year-old girls
looking innocent and just having fun while hugging each other. Pinagpag ko iyong
larawan at pumikit nang mariin sa pagbuhos ng mga alaala. I sighed.

God, I miss her.

We really are carved from the same flesh, same bones, and we have the same blood.
Because just like me, she left without warning.

☽☾
Chapter 34

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti32
chapter thirty-two

RIGHT AFTER I got discharged, we shared a very intimate family dinner. I

appreciated the thought. Dad was starting to get busy with his work again but he
cancelled everything for us, and Emmarie was acting like nothing happened, just
like what we talked about.

We agreed to put everything behind us and leave it in the past. It was nothing to
me, since I can give up anything to make my sister happy. I don't want a guy to
ruin our what was supposed to be an unbreakable bond.

Although, her happiness meant my regrets, my what could have beens, my what ifs.
They all seem endless now. Habambuhay ko atang iisipin kung ano ang mga pwedeng
nangyari kung hindi ako pumayag. And it's scary...that I see myself ending up with
him, just like what he always said.

Hindi naman pwedeng parehas kong makuha. And with the options laid in front of me,
I chose someone else's happiness before mine. Maybe, if it is this chaotic, then it
isn't for me, right? I can find someone else; I will—I don't have to, right away—
but in the future, I will.

Balik na rin ako sa klase. Naghahabol ako ng mga requirements na pwede ko namang
ipasa agad kaysa naman padaanin ko pa ang New Year bago ako magpasa. I'm pretty
sure I'll just procrastinate, anyway. Sino ba naman kasi ang gagawa ng requirements
sa Christmas break?

VIVIAN AND ADIRA were being careful around me. They treat me like a fragile glass—
kaunting kibot ay tila masisira agad. Habang gumagawa ako ng plate sa Visual
Techniques ay halos hindi na ako makapagpulido ng shading dahil titig na titig sa
'kin si Vivian.

Hindi na ako nakatiis at binagsak ang marker sa desk. She flinched at that. Adira
stopped strumming her ukulele and glanced our way. Wala kasing guro kaya naman
ginagamit ko ang oras sa pagtatapos ng ilang requirements na kailangan kong
habulin. Ngunit, hindi naman ako makagalaw nang ayos dahil pakiramdam ko'y
pinanonood nila miski ang pagtatapon ko ng papel.

"Vi, seriously, what's up?" tanong ko. Nagkatinginan muli sila ni Adira. I glared
at her and she sighed.

"W-We're just worried..." pag-amin niya. Napabuntong hininga ako at nasapo ang
aking noo. Vivian stared at me with a concerned look on her face. Umiling naman ako
sa kanila.

"Okay lang ako. Seriously...I won't pull a stunt like that, ever again," bulong ko.
Napilitang tumango si Vivian at bumalik sa kaniyang binabasa. Ako naman ay payapa
nang tinapos iyong plate para maipasa mamayang hapon.

The professors were considerate enough, thankfully. My Wednesday just passed like a
blur.
Wala namang nagtatanong kung ano'ng nangyari sa 'kin. I bet no one in the school
knows that I was pregnant, except for my friends.

Hindi ko alam kung alam ba ni Adonis, but I'm sure my friends wouldn't speak to
him. Baka nga ni makita ay ayaw nila. If Diesel sees him, at kung hindi niya man
ako napangakuan, siguradong may pinaglagyan na sa ospital ang isang 'yon.

Raven is playing safe right now and trying to regain his supposedly clean
reputation. Sa totoo lang, malinis naman talaga si Raven. What he did is self
defense, pero iba pa rin ang dating kapag sinabihang nag-file ng kaso. People are
going to misinterpret that. I'm sure Raven does not care, though.

On the other note, I didn't see Adonis anywhere in the campus, gayong dati ay
pakalat-kalat lang siya. But it's on my favour so I have no complaints. I don't
want to see him. I'm scared that my promise to my sister will break. Hindi 'yon
pwede. I have to secure myself first before finally having the guts to see him.

Emmarie and I are working on bringing our relationship back together, like nothing
happened. Sometimes, I'll hear her talking to him over the phone, and I just have
to endure that. The pain hasn't left yet, but it subsided a bit. Adonis seems like
he's doing a good job on earning my sister, too.

"WHERE'S EMMARIE?"TANONG ko pagkauwi. Sumalampak ako sa couch sa sobrang katamaran.

Ate Mina just shrugged. Busy siya sa pagpupunas ng sandamakmak na vase sa bahay.

"Umalis.Hindi pa nga nabalik. Sinundo nung boyfriend niya," aniya at saglit na

tumingin sa 'kin. I expertly averted my gaze like I wasn't affected.

Oh. They're on a date. Good.

This is how it should be. Everything must fall into place even if it meant hurting
me. Maybe things are meant to hurt me, anyway. Hindi naman ibig sabihin na nasa
tamang lugar na ang lahat, ay pabor na rin iyon sa sitwasyon ko. Sometimes, doing
the right things are going to cause the most pain, but the worst scars teach the
best lessons. In the end, acceptance is what I need to learn, and I am working on
that.

Dad was back to his work. Hindi ko alam kung pupunta kami ng New York para sa
Christmas break, ngunit pakiramdam ko'y malabo iyon kahit na 'yon ang gusto ko.
Well, Emmarie does not want to be away from Adonis, and Dad is busy with his work.
Isa pa, baka sawa na rin sila sa New York dahil tatlong taon sila doon.

Gusto ko lang namang umalis dito. Maybe a new environment could help me. Baka
mapapabilis ang pagmo-move on-kuno ko kung wala ako rito sa Pinas. I wonder if Dad
will allow me to travel to US alone. May bahay naman kasi ata kami roon, or maybe I
can stay at a hotel. I just want to get out of here.

Habang hindi pa 'yon posible dahil hindi ko pa naitatanong, I just decided to cage
myself in my room to paint. They put a stopper on my room so I wouldn't be able to
close my room door fully. May isang talampakan ang layo ng stopper sa mismong lock
ng pinto, kaya naman may siwang. They are just so afraid that I'll do something.
Naintindihan ko naman. Besides, hindi naman gaanong na-iinvade ang privacy ko dahil
hindi naman kita ang kama ko. Kung 'yon ang magpapatahimik sa mga kaluluwa nila,
pinagbigyan ko na lang. It's harmless, anyway.

I continued doing Diesel's portrait. The plates for Visual Techniques can wait.
Nakakapagod din kasi kapag gumagawa ka ng para sa requirement, iyong obligado at
may markang nakaabang. To take a break from it, I just create something else—
something that is not graded and I can do freely, like Diesel's portrait.
Nakauwi na si Dad at dumalaw muna siya sa aking kwarto bago nagtungo sa study.
Simple lang akong bumati sa kasama niyang katrabaho siguro.

Dinner came and Dad invited me to eat with them. Patuloy pa rin na tungkol sa
trabaho ang pinag-uusapan nila hanggang sa hapag.

"Where's Vincelle?" tanong ni Dad habang naglalapag ng wine si Ate Krizel. I slowly
shook my head. I don't have a single idea on where she and Adonis went. Ni hindi
siya nag-text sa 'kin.

They started to lie low about the business talks and decided to include me in the
conversation. Something inside me fluttered when Dad seemed proud talking about me
and my art. Bihira ko kasing marinig iyon dati sa kaniya. I've heard other people's
great and positive comments about my craft, but really, nothing beats my father's
validation of my hard-work.

Naputol ang pag-uusap namin sa malutong na tunog ng takong sa sahig. I immediately

pushed my chair back when I saw Emmarie. Gulo-gulo ang kaniyang buhok at namamaga
ang mga mata. She only gave me a blank look. Nilingon niya si Dad. She gave a
forced smile to the man we're with.

"I'm sorry. I-I had a rough day. Excuse me," magalang niyang sabi at nagdirediretso
na sa pag-akyat. Sinundan namin siya ng tingin hanggang sa makaakyat siya.

I looked at Dad. Halata ko ang concern niya para sa kapatid ko. But, I know he has
business to take care of. Kaya naman ako na ang tumayo.

"May I be excused?" paalam ko at ngumiti. Mister Hernan smiled back and nodded. Si
Dad naman ay hinawakan ang kamay ko.

"She'll be fine," saad ko. Pumalatak si Dad. Alam ko namang hindi siya mapapakali.
Mister Hernan tapped my father's shoulders.

"Mas mahirap talaga magpalaki ng babae, Valentin," sabi nito at tinanguan ako. I
took that as a cue to dash my way upstairs.

Nagtungo agad ako sa kaniyang kwarto. I knocked softly. "Emmarie?" I called out her
name. Walang sumasagot. I tried to turn the knob and thankfully, it's not locked.

Natagpuan ko siyang nakaupo sa sahig, sa gilid ng kaniyang kama. She hugged her
knees as her shoulders shook. Dahan-dahan ko siyang nilapitan. I don't want her to
suddenly lash out on me.

Umupo ako sa gilid ng kaniyang kama. Pinanood ko lamang siyang umiyak dahil alam
kong kung gusto niya ng kausap, lumapit na siya agad sa 'kin. I flinched when she
threw her luxury barrette. Hinagod niya ang kaniyang luhaang mukha ng kaniyang
palad.

"Halika rito," saad ko at pinilit na siyang ilapit sa akin. Kumunot ang noo ko nang
maamoy ang alak sa kaniya.

I sighed when she hugged me tight. Pinipilit kong i-ayos ang kaniyang buhok. Where
the hell did Adonis take her? And why does she look like a mess?

"Saan ka galing?" tanong ko at pinilit na itayo siya para ihiga sa kama. I need to
bathe her. Ang lakas ng amoy ng alak sa kaniya! Why is she damn wasted? Saan ba
talaga siya nanggaling?
Umiling lamang siya at patuloy na humagulgol. Naaawa na ako sa mata niya dahil
maliit na nga iyon, mamumugto pa. Inalis ko ang pagkakakapit niya sa 'kin. I tapped
her cheeks and made her look at me.

"Saan ka galing?" tanong ko ulit, mas mabagal kaysa kanina. Umiling lamang siya.
She covered her face with her palms.

Napapikit na lamang ako nang mariin. Taking care of a drunk person isn't new to me,
pero kadalasan ay hindi naman ganito. Hindi naman umiiyak ang mga kaibigan ko 'pag
nalalasing.

Well, Adira is extra honest when she's wasted. Sinalo ni Diesel noon ang sampal na
para kay Adira dati sa bar dahil sa pang-iinsulto ni Adira sa kung sino-sino.
Sinabihan ba naman niya iyong sikat na babae na tagakabilang school na mukhang
fetus na hindi na-develop? Her drunk mouth will get in her real trouble one day.
She should thank Diesel 'cause he's always there to save her ass.

Ginabayan ko si Emmarie papunta sa banyo. Ang payat-payat niya pero ang bigat niya
naman! Sana lang ay hindi siya nasaktan sa pagbagsak niya sa bath tub.

Habang pinaliliguan ko siya ay patuloy pa rin siya sa pag-iyak. She wouldn't tell
me a damn word about what happened today, though. Nahihirapan akong mangapa. I
mean, Emmarie and alcohol? That's an unusual duo. Isa pa, paano siya makakapag-bar
kung kasama niya si Adonis? I'm sure he has the decency to take care of my sister.
Imposibleng pabayaan niya naman ang kapatid ko roon.

Binalot ko siya ng bathrobe. She sat on the corner of the bath tub. Mabuti nga'y
tumahan na siya. Nga lang, hindi ko naman siya makausap. Lasing na lasing siguro
kaya ganito. Bukas ko na lang siya tatanungin.

Lumabas muna ako para kumuha ng kaniyang damit. Mahihirapan lang aka 'pag bubuhatin
ko pa siya papunta sa walk-in closet niya. Kumuha lang ako ng terno pajamas at
nagmamadaling bumalik sa banyo.

"Magbibihis ka pa," saad ko at pinatayo siya. She weakly rested her head against
the bathroom walls. Itinataas ko ang kaniyang binti para isuot 'yung pajama niya
ngunit hinagip niya ang aking pulso.

"Emma..." she whispered. Kumunot ang noo ko. Tumayo muna ako nang ayos at hinagip
ang kaniyang tingin. Namumungay na ang kaniyang mga mata marahil ay dahil sa antok.

"Bakit?" tanong ko. Lumalim ang kaniyang simangot. She looked like she was about to
cry again. I cupped her cheeks. I am slightly getting alarmed with her actions. Ano
ba talaga ang nangyari?

She shook her head weakly. Her limbs fell to her side. Pumikit siya at sinuportahan
ko agad ang kaniyang katawan dahil mukhang babagsak siya. Fear grew inside me. Was
she...drugged? Oh, god. No.

Kinakabahan, tinapik ko ang kaniyang pisngi upang tingnan ako. This time, I didn't
let her eyes get away from me.

"Bakit, Emmarie?" maingat kong tanong.

She weakly smiled at me. Mabagal ang kaniyang pagkurap at unti-unting nanlumo.

"Gusto ko nang mamatay."

Nagulantang ako sa kaniyang sinabi. I gasped in shock and tapped her cheeks more to
keep her conscious. Malungkot siyang ngumiti sa akin.

"No," I begged. Marahan lamang siyang tumango.

"I'm serious, Emmarie. Don't think of..." hindi ko matuloy ang sasabihin.

I know how it feels, but I never imagined Emmarie to be in the same situation.
Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Magkahalong takot at kaba na lamang ang nananalaytay sa
aking sistema. I do not know how to stop her suicidal thoughts. Hindi ko rin alam
kung ano ang nangyari sa kaniya at bakit siya nagkakaganito. She's slowly drifting
away from the Emmarie I know.

Or maybe I don't really know her well enough. Maybe the three years in the US
shaped her to be a different person. Maybe she has a lot of secrets that I do not
know of. Hindi na talaga katulad ng dati.

Nagmamadali ko siyang binihisan. Inakay ko siya papunta sa kaniyang kama. Antok na

antok na rin siya at mabilis na nakatulog sa paglapat ng kaniyang likod sa kutson.
Napaluhod na lamang ako sa sahig habang hawak ang kaniyang kamay.

I want to know what bothers her and I want to drive her away from the dark. I
already lost Mom. This family already lost too much. Tatlo na nga lang kami,
mababawasan pa agad-agad?

Nang mapansing tulog na tulog na siya ay naghalughog ako sa kaniyang kwarto. I was
sweating bullets while opening all her cabinets. Lahat na ata ng pwede niyang
pagtaguan ng patalim ay hinalughog ko.

I only found a cutter in her craft box. Wala naman akong nakitang kahit anong
gamot. I didn't find a rope, too. Hindi ko na alam. Mababaliw ata ako kaiisip. I
don't even want to go to school tomorrow! Parang gusto kong dito na lang ako at
bantayan siya.

Dahil hindi ako mapakali, ay doon ako sa kwarto niya natulog. Well, I tried to
sleep. Ngunit, kada oras ay nag-aalarm ako para i-check kung nagising ba siya o
ano. Kahit na natutulog ata ako ay malakas ang kabog ng aking puso.

NAPABALIKWAS AKO NG bangon nang makita siya sa aking harapan at nakangiti. I

clutched hard on my chest. For a moment, I thought I was having a nightmare and I'm
seeing her ghost or something. Fuck!

"I made you breakfast," aniya at ngumiti na akala mo'y walang nangyari kagabi.

Nilingon ko siya. Nag-aayos siya ng kaniyang kama. Kunot ang kaniyang noo sa magulo
niyang cabinets ngunit hindi na nagtanong. Nalimutan ko atang ibalik sa ayos 'yung
iba niyang gamit.

Hindi ko alam kung magtatanong ba ako sa kaniya dahil mukhang okay naman siya.
She's only whining about her headache. At least, she's aware that she was drunk
last night.

Taka niya akong nilingon nang hindi pa ako bumabangon. Kumunot ang noo niya ngunit
nakangiti.

"Okay ka lang? Sorry, did I tire you out taking care of me last night? Ayaw mo bang
pumasok? You'll be late," aniya gamit ang matamis at mahinhing boses. I gulped.
Every time I'd throw her a glance, iba na ang nasa isip ko.

She looks beautiful, like a heaven-sent embodiment of innocence and purity. Umaabot
sa kaniyang mga singkiting mata naman ang kaniyang ngiti, but I know better than to
be fooled by the exterior and pretty facades. Depression can be found on the places
you'd least expect it. It's scary. It can take everything you love away from you
without a warning, like a silent killer, seamlessly committing a crime and getting
away with it easily. And what does it leave? A lifeless victim, and broken hearts
for those who were left behind.

Hindi ako makampante dahil alam ko ang pakiramdam ng nagpapanggap. Ngunit hindi ako
sigurado kung ano ang magiging epekto kapag kinausap ko siya ngayon. I don't think
she's ready to open up about it, anyway.

Pero paano kung hindi na siya kailanman magiging handa na magsabi? Paano kung wala
nga talaga siyang plano?

Binilisan ko na lang ang paliligo at pagbibihis. Nang makalabas sa kaniyang banyo

ay tahimik lamang siya na nagbabasa. Pasimple ko iyong tiningnan, Agatha Christie's
Cards on the Table. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong kabahan doon. Does that book
involve self harm? Mababaliw na ata ako kaiisip!

"Hey," tawag niya sa 'kin. I only looked at her, unsure on how to respond. Sa huli
ay pinilit kong ngumiti.

"Can we go shopping later? Pagkaawas mo?" tanong niya. Mabilis akong tumango kahit
wala akong hilig doon. She wants to be with me. She does not want to be alone.
Sasamahan ko siya kahit marami pa akong gagawin. I can't risk it. I can't deny her
offer. I can't risk making her feel alone and upset.

Before leaving, I gave her a tight hug. Malugod niya naman iyong binalik.

"Kung mag-iinom ka, sana sinama mo ako," pabiro kong sabi. She chuckled.

"Oo nga, e. I swear, I was an alien with the drinks...."

HANGGANG SA SCHOOL ay hindi ako mapakali. Napairap na lamang ako dahil nadagdagan
iyong ipapasa ko dahil may isang prof na walang-awang nagpahabol ng gawain.

Hindi ko maalis sa aking isipan ang kapatid kaya naman kada oras ko ata siyang
tinatawagan. She answered while she's having breakfast, taking a bath, and while
reading, too. Mukhang buong araw siyang nasa bahay. I also told Ate Krizel to
accompany Emmarie almost everywhere. Hindi ko na sinabi ang rason kung bakit.

Lunch time came and Vivian and I were walking towards the cafeteria under the shade
of the clouds. Papasok pa lang kami nang may humarang sa dinadaanan namin.

Sweating, and in his basketball jersey, Cho looked at me, begging. Saglit kong
nilingon si Vivian na masama ang tingin dito.

The friend of the enemy, is also an enemy, of course.

"Let's go, E," maarteng saad nito at hinead-to-foot si Cho. Ginamit niya iyong mata
niyang puno ng disgusto at mistulang hinuhusgahan ang buong pagkatao mo. Narinig ko
ang mahinang pagmumura ni Cho at humarang muli. Mukha kaming nagpapatintero sa
hagdan papunta sa cafeteria.

Cho shifted his gaze to me. "Saglit lang, please. Tayong dalawa lang. Wala si
Adonis," aniya. Vivian scoffed.

"Magtitiwala ka diyan? He's friends with a cheater—"

"Emmanuelle, please," putol ni Cho. I gulped and looked at Vivian. Hindi ko pa
nasasabi sa kaniya ang buong storya, ngunit sa tingin ko'y hindi na mababawasan ang
galit ng mga kaibigan ko sakali mang malaman nila.

My heart suddenly felt heavy when I remembered the loss of my baby. Wala sa sarili
akong napahawak sa aking tiyan.

Vivian tugged my arm. "Em, let's go—"

"Just a sec, Vi," pigil ko. Mukhang nabigla siya sa akin. She gave me an annoyed
look and rolled her eyes. Padabog niyang binitawan ang aking braso. She glared at
Cho before marching towards the cafeteria.

Cho and I both sighed. Tumango ako sa kaniya at tumalikod para papuntahin siya sa
may building namin para hindi kami nakaharang sa daan at mas kaunti ang tao.

Humalukipkip ako. Napakamot siya sa kaniyang noo.

"Alam kong wala ako sa tamang posisyon para diktahan ka sa gusto mong gawin—"

I scoffed. "Get to the point. I'm hungry," malamig kong sabi. Napapikit siya nang
mariin.

"Adonis is failing his subjects," mabagal niyang ani. Saglit akong naawa dahil sa
mga mata niya. Adonis has one true friend right here, genuinely concerned for him.

Still, I refused to give him any emotions. "And?"

He hissed. Hinagip niya ang braso ko at halos lumuhod na ata sa pagmamakaawa.

"Please...kausapin mo naman siya. Hindi ko sinasabing magkabalikan kayo. Gusto ko
lang na utusan mo siya. Sa'yo lang siya makikinig...."

I removed his grip from me. Talk to Adonis? Really, now? Now that I'm trying to
move on? Paano na lang kung masaktuhan at makita kami ni Emmarie? Then I'll go back
to square one on regaining her trust! I don't want to plant doubts on my sister's
head! Especially right now that her mind is unstable!

"Parang awa mo na, Emma. Nagagalit na ang profs sa kaniya. Nasisira na siya. He's
starting to lose his mind! Nawawala na siya sa tamang landas niya, Emma. Parang awa
mo na...."

I closed my eyes tightly. "I can't fix him, Rosseau," mariin kong sabi. Umiling
siya.

"Just help, please. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin sa kaniya. Hindi na siya nagpapasa
ng kahit anong requirements. He even got a solid zero for a long test!" Tuluyan na
siyang lumuhod sa harapan ko. Nanlaki ang aking mata at pinilit siyang patayuin
dahil baka iba ang isipin ng mga tao sa paligid.

"Stand!" mariin kong utos. Umiling siya. Napabuntong hininga na lamang ako.

"Fine!" pagpayag ko kahit hindi ako sigurado kung paano ko iyon gagawin.

He was about to stand up when he was suddenly thrown away somewhere. Napatili ako
at agad na dumalo kay Cho. May iilang lalaking nasa gilid lang ng building namin na
umawat. Nasapo ni Cho ang kaniyang mukhang nasuntok.

"Gago ka, ah! Trayduran tayo, Ross?!" umalingawngaw sa building ang boses ng galit
na si Adonis. His chest was heaving. Mahigpit ang kapit sa kaniya ng isang lalaking
pamilyar sa akin. Base sa lumang design ng ID lace nito, sa tingin ko'y fourth year
na ito. He looks like he's talking some sense to Adonis.

Hindi na umimik si Cho. I helped him sit down properly. Napamura siya nang makita
ang dugo sa palad mula sa putok na labi.

Adonis was in great rage. Kitang-kita ko ang galit na galit na pagtangis ng

kaniyang panga at matalim na tingin sa kaibigan niyang wala namang ginagawang kahit
ano. I stood up and went to him. His gaze shifted to me. The fire in his eyes
slightly flickered. Nilingon ako ng lalaking nakakapit sa kaniya na pumipigil.
Tinanguan ko lamang siya.

"Revillanes, malilintikan ka na sa office 'pag nakipag-away ka," mariing sabi nito

bago ito bitiwan. Adonis fixed his polo shirt. Napabuntong hininga ako dahil
pamilyar iyon. It's the shirt he bought at the mall, the one that I thought would
look good on him, at tama nga ako.

Unti-unting umamo ang kaniyang mga mata. Now that I'm standing in front of him, I
don't exactly know what to say. Do I just dictate him to go back to his...old self?

"Sweetheart..." bulong niya at lumapit. Mabilis akong umatras. I can't have him
touch me. I am afraid that I will melt and succumb to what my heart really wants.

Napapikit ako nang mariin. I can't...I can't do this. Not yet.

"Let's talk," aniya. Humugot ako nang malalim na hininga.

May pag-uusapan pa ba kami? Wala na.

"Not now," tugon ko. Unti-unting nanlumo ang kaniyang ekspresyon. His brown eyes
gradually shifted to the floor. He closed his eyes shut like he's in tremendous
pain. The golden child, is here in front of me, looking cretsfallen—like a warrior
in a losing battle, unable to accept defeat.

"But...next time?" bawi ko nang maalala ang sinabi ni Rosseau. Inangat niya ang
kaniyang tingin at nagtataka akong nilingon. I tried to smile at him.

"For the meantime, please don't forget who you were before you met me. Do not lose
yourself because of this, please."

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango. I let out a genuine smile and immediately dashed away
from that place before I break down in front of him.

LAHAT NG BIGAT na dinadala ko mula pa kanina ay bahagyang nabawasan nang makita si

Emmarie sa salas na nanonood ng sitcom kasama si Ate Krizel. Nilingon niya ako
pagdating ko.

"Alis na tayo?" aniya.

"I'll just change," sabi ko at nagmamadaling umakyat sa kwarto. I just changed into
some denim shorts and a more comfortable shirt.

We ended up shopping a lot. Iniwan sa kaniya ni Dad ang kaniyang card kaya naman
para kaming mga batang nakawala sa mall. Well, siya lang naman talaga. Hindi ako
makagastos dahil nanghihinayang talaga ako sa pera.

"No!" sita ko kay Emmarie nang sa akin niya isuot iyong sliding bracelet na binili
niya. Pinabayaan ko lang siya na bilhin iyon kahit na halos dose libo iyon dahil
akala ko ay para sa kaniya.
"Shut up, sis. Maganda naman, a!" aniya at sinipat ang braso kong suot na iyon. The
staff at Pandora only smiled at us. I sighed out of frustration.

"Maganda nga...but, it's expensive," saad ko, hininaan iyong bandang dulo. She
only rolled her eyes at me.

"Dad works hard for the money, sis. Hindi siya magagalit diyan. Pero, isipin mo na
lang na sa akin galing, ha?" aniya at bahagyang natawa. Napangiti ako nang tumawa
siya. Napapalatak ako at tumango na lang.

We did things that she likes, but I did not complain. Nagpa-manicure at pedicure pa
kami. She had her nails painted pink. Ako naman ay french tips lang dahil masisira
din naman iyon agad dahil laging napipinturahan ang daliri ko.

We got home right in time for dinner. Dad has his hands on his hips and squinted
his eyes on the paper bags. Pinilit ako ni Emmarie na bumili ng kung ano-ano at
hindi na lang ako tumutol kung iyon ang magpapasaya sa kaniya.

"Gumala kayo at hindi niyo ako sinama?" tila nagtatampong sabi ni Dad. Napailing na
lamang ako. I watched as Emmarie ran to Dad and hugged him tight. Napangiti ako
roon. I really do hope she's okay.

THE NEXT DAY, also the last day of school for the year, I finally accomplished
passing almost all of my requirements. Well, kulang pa ng dalawang plates ngunit
extended naman talaga ang deadlines ko. Isisingit ko na lang iyon sa bakasyon.

Wala na ngang nagturo at gaya ng inaasahan, Vivian threw a party at Crossroads

under her name. Hindi naman nila ako pinipilit na sumama ngunit ramdam ko na gusto
nila na naroon ang presensya ko. That's I why decided to join them. Vivian hosted
it, anyway. She wouldn't invite problematic people.

I just sent Dad a text that I might not go home tonight. Mabilis ang oras at lahat
ay excited para mamaya. The next minute, we're already in Diesel and Raven's car.

Hindi ako nakapagdala ng ekstrang damit at ayaw ko namang tumawag para magpadala ng
damit dahil gabi na, kaya hindi na lang ako naligo sa pool. Sinamahan ako ni Raven
sa may gilid habang nanonood lamang kami sa mga naglalaro sa pool. I heard him
groan when Vivian was carried by a familiar guy.

Napangisi ako. Nakita kong humigpit ang kapit ni Raven sa kaniyang barbecue stick.
Umirap lamang siya at tinaliman ng tingin iyong lalaki kahit na hindi naman siya
nakikita nito dahil madilim sa aming pwesto.

"Let her be, Raven. Ikaw ba, pinakikialaman ka ni Vivian sa lovelife mo?" tanong
ko. Raven rolled his eyes. Tinusok niya sa lupa iyong barbecue stick nang may
halong panggigigil.

"Still, it's Kuya Duties, okay?" maarte niyang sabi sa akin. Ang nakabusangot
niyang mukha ay unti-unting napalitan ng panlalamig habang nakatingin sa likuran
ko. Nilipat niya ang tingin sa akin.

"Speaking of Kuya Duties...let me know when I can smash his face," iritable nitong
sabi at lumingon ulit sa aking likuran. Out of curiosity, I turned to see what he's
looking at, only to see Adonis standing a few meters behind me.

"I'm pretty sure he's not invited," Raven added.

Napalingon ako sa sumulpot sa may likuran ni Adonis. My brows furrowed when I saw
Maxim. Sinundan ko ng tingin si Maxim hanggang sa makarating sa may lamesa namin.

Raven glared at him. "You let him in—"

Maxim sighed violently. "Sorry, okay?"pagputol nito.

Natigilan ako. I cannot fucking believe this. Maxim as an accessory to crash a

party? It's...weird.

Raven gave him a deadly leer. Nakita ko ang paglunok ni Maxim doon. Tumatagaktak
ang tubig sa damit ni Maxim dahil naligo na siya sa pool. He looked at me.

"He said he'll only tell you one sentence,"maamo nitong sabi. Tumango na lang ako.
I can't get angry at Maxim. The guy's too kind for anything negative. Isa pa, hindi
ko nakakalimutan na ninakaw ko iyong first kiss niya. At ang alam ko rin, dapat ay
galit siya sa 'kin ngayon, pero hindi na. I guess he can't hold a grudge against
anyone.

Raven groaned. Inubos niya iyong barbecue at tinutok kay Maxim iyong stick. Maxim's
eyes widened as he backed away with both his hands in the air.

"'Pag may nangyari ngayong gabi, tutuhugin ko 'yang mata mo, ha?" pananakot ni
Raven sa kaniya. Binato ko tuloy siya ng ubas. He didn't need to scare Maxim like
that!

Tinanguan ko lamang silang dalawa para umalis na. Kaaalis pa lamang nila at umupo
na agad si Adonis sa tapat ko, sa upuang iniwan ni Raven.

I chewed on my lower lip when I once again remembered our baby. I wonder how he'll
react if he finds out, but, that doesn't matter now, right?

I inhaled sharply. "One sentence," saad ko.

His lips parted to speak but my phone rang. Kumunot ang noo ko dahil number iyon ni
Ate Mina. I signalled for him to hold his thought and answered the call.

"Hello?" bati ko.

"Ellie, ang kapatid mo..."

Ginapangan ako ng kaba nang maring ang paghagulgol ni Ate Mina. Napatayo ako sa
aking upuan. The voices of the other students having fun was drowned by the loud
beating of my heart.

"N-Nakita ni Krizel sa banyo niya. N-Naglaslas—" Hindi niya matapos ang sasabihin
dahil sa kaniyang malakas na hagulgol.

Tila binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig. I dropped my phone. Malamig ang aking
paghinga at mistulang hindi ako makagalaw.

I turned to look at Adonis. Concern peeked through his irises. Kumunot ang noo ko
nang may naisip.

No. This can't be.

"One sentence," mahina kong sabi. He closed his eyes shut. Sana mali ang iniisip
ko.

Matapang niya akong tiningnan gamit ang mga sumusukong mata.

"I broke up with her."

I ONLY STARED at Mirae. Nakangisi naman siya sa akin na mukhang walang problema.
Inirapan ko lamang siya. She told me she'll go lowkey! Iyon ang pangako niya sa
'kin kaya ko siya pinasama!

"What?" maarte nitong tanong dahil sa mapanuri kong tingin sa kaniya. She kissed me
on the cheeks.

"Lowkey, huh?" nanunuya kong tanong. Inasikaso na ng mga tauhan ang gamit namin. Of
course, we'll be taking their private plane. Mirae Lim doesn't want commercial
flights. Nauna na tuloy si Dad sa 'min. Arte kasi nito. Kainis.

"Hey! This is lowkey! What's wrong with my flight fashion?" aniya at umikot sa
harap ko. Napairap na lamang ako muli.

"Sige nga. What are you wearing?" paghahamon ko. Hinagod ko ng tingin ang kaniyang
belted coat. She gave me her signature cat smirk.

"Stop overreacting! This is only from Acne Studios—"

"Magkano?" pagputol ko sa kaniya. She pouted.

"Fifteen hundred dollars," sagot niya na akala mo'y barya lang iyon. Nasapo ko na
lang ang noo.

"And seriously? Cartier watch? Are you kidding me? That's your idea of lowkey?"
Nakailang irap na ata ako sa kaniya. We hopped on her plane. She dramatically
sighed.

"If I have the money, why not spoil myself?" pagdedepensa niya sa sarili.

Sa loob ng humigit kumulang dalawampung oras sa eroplano ay panay tulog at bangayan

lang ang ginawa namin. Mukhang napagod din siya kaya naman sa paglapag ng eroplano
ay hindi na siya nagreklamo sa init sa sumalubong sa kaniya.

MISTULANG NABUHAYAN AKO nang madama ang init ng Pilipinas. The annoying humid
atmosphere made me feel awake. Mabilis ang tibok ng aking puso habang tinatanaw ang
mga pamilyar na gusali sa labas. The traffic jam is irritating, but for the first
time, I kind of enjoyed it.

"Are we going to your house na?" inaantok na tanong ni Mirae. Umiling ako.
Sumimangot siya sa aking tugon. "Then where?"

I smiled. "You'll meet my best friend," saad ko. Napaupo siya nang ayos.

"Really? Where are we headed? Is it far?" tanong niya muli.

Napabuntong hininga ako.

"To the cemetery."

☽☾

Chapter 35

☽☾
#whtvrthss #wti33
chapter thirty-three

"CALM DOWN, OKAY?" saad ni Raven sa 'kin habang nagmamadali kami papasok ng
elevator. It's the dead hour already, but the hospital never sleeps, anyway.
Nakailang pindot ako sa close button ng elevator na pakiramdam ko'y masisira ko
iyon.

"Diesel's gonna fucking kill me," bulong niya sa sarili habang nakatingin sa susi
na hawak niya. I know. Diesel's going to freak out when his Porsche is out of his
sight, pero wala naman kaming choice dahil lasing na lasing na 'yong isa para
ihatid ako. Baka mapahamak pa kami. Ninakaw na lang ni Ravi iyong susi.

Hindi ako mapakali. My knees were buckling as I waited for us to reach the seventh
floor. Nang makarating ay nagmartsa ako paalis doon. Raven only followed right
behind me.

Napatigil ako nang makita si Dad na nakaupo sa labas. His coat was draped on his
shoulders, ngunit naka-shorts at t-shirt lamang siyang pambahay. His elbows rested
on his parted legs, habang sapo-sapo ng kaniyang palad ang kaniyang noo. Ate Mina
was pacing back and forth the hallways. Nagmamadali akong lumapit sa kanila.

"Dad," tawag ko. Nag-angat siya ng tingin. Nakita ko ang pagod sa kaniyang mga
mata, na hinaluan ng pag-aalala. I immediately pulled him for a hug.

"Nagkulang ba ako?" tanong niya. Umiling ako. Naramdaman ko ang pamamasa ng pantaas
na suot ko dahil sa mga luha ng aking ama. I let my myself cry silently as I hoped
for the best.

Dad needed to go home and rest. I don't want to put too much stress on him. Mas
mahirap kapag nagkasakit na siya. It took me almost half an hour of convincing him
to go home. Kuya Edu picked him up, leaving me, Ate Mina and Raven waiting.

Kita ko ang labis na pag-aalala ni Ate Mina dahil hindi siya mapirmi sa isang
pwesto. She took care of us like we're her kids even before Yohan. We treated her
back like a family. And I can only imagine how much this is going to hurt her if...

I didn't want to finish my thoughts. Hindi ako relihiyoso ngunit mistulang

napapadasal ako na 'wag mangyari ang kinatatakutan ko. I cried harder when the
coldness of the Pandora bracelet seeped through my skin, like acid to my pores.
Saglit kong inalis 'yon at pinagmasdan.

Did you plan this, Emmarie? Did you really want to leave me here? You left me once
and it almost killed me. Why are you doing it again?

"Kumain ka," saad ni Raven at inabot sa 'kin 'yung tinapay. Umiling ako sa kaniya.
He only sighed and sat beside me. Nakita kong inabutan niya rin si Ate Mina ng
pagkain.

"I'm scared, Rav," pag-amin ko. I felt his left arm on my back, his hand guiding my
head to his shoulders. Pagkatapos ay pinadausdos niya iyon sa aking bewang.
Naramdaman ko ang pag-iling ng kaniyang ulong nakapatong sa 'kin.

"I don't know what to say...but I'll listen to your fears," bulong niya.

My heart leapt when I saw the doctor. Mabilis akong napatayo.

I was revived. She can be revived, too. I'm pretty sure the cut wasn't that deep.
There's no way Emmarie can hurt herself to that extent.

"WHAT...ARE WE doing here?" tanong ni Mirae. I only smiled at her. Pagod kami sa
biyahe ngunit nangako ako sa sarili ko na 'pag bumalik ako rito ay sila ang una
kong bibisitahin.

"You can stay here if you want,"sagot ko. Mirae's lips parted in shock when she
finally realized that we really are at a cemetery. Mabilis siyang umiling.

"Baka may ghost," maarte niyang sabi. Napatawa ako nang bahagya sa kaniyang sinabi.
I know Mirae wants to go with me. She also wants to see the rest of my family.

Hindi ko na mabasa ang mga mata niya dahil sa kaniyang sunglasses na nagsusumigaw
ng karangyaan. Even her shades is from Cartier. Hindi na ako nagtanong doon dahil
sigurado akong nakita ko na ang salaming iyan sa listahan ng top 10 na pinakamahal
na salamin.

Hindi niya alintana ang init, o baka naman nahihiya lang talaga siyang magreklamo.
Tumigil kami sa isang mausoleum. The surname Gorotizca was emitting a silvery
burnish highlighted by the harsh sun-rays. Tumaas ang kilay ni Mirae habang
nakatingin sa estatwa ng mga victorian angels sa gilid.

"Your Mom?" mahinang tanong ni Mirae. Tumango ako. I let my fingers run through the
intricate carvings of her name. Sinukbit ni Mirae ang kaniyang braso sa akin.

"Thanks for making such a pretty offspring," saad nito. Bahagya akong natawa muli
sa kaniya. Too bad we didn't get the chance to stop over at a flower shop.

Malinis pa rin ito. Of course, Dad spends money for this. Sigurado akong may mga
nag-aalaga dito kaya ganito pa rin kakintab ang sahig. Hindi pa ito pinapa-repaint,
ngunit malinis pa rin naman ang cream at puting pintura ng mga Greek-style na
poste.

"Oh, my god," she gasped. Dumausdos ang kaniyang kapit sa aking braso at mahigpit
na hinawakan ang kamay ko. Saglit akong tumingala upang pigilan ang luha.

"This is..." hindi niya natuloy ang sasabihin at nilingon ako na tila nagtatanong.
I nodded. Humigpit ang kapit niya sa akin at sumiksik na parang pusa.

"If she's alive, I bet you two will be shopping best friends," saad ko, 'di
alintana ang bahagyang paninikip ng dibdib sa biglaang pagdaloy ng mga alaala.
Sinipat ko ang bracelet na suot. Kahit kailan ay hindi ko 'to tinanggal sa aking
palapulsuhan. It feels like I have a piece of her everywhere I go. I want her to
see the sunrises and sunsets I have witnessed. I want her to be with me as I grow.
I want her to be proud of me. I want to let her know that I will never forget her.

Like Mom's tombstone, hers was clean as well. I traced the outline of the marble
material, to the gold letters forming her name:Emmarie Vincelle S. Gorotizca.

It was hard to deal with death. I don't think there's an easy way, though. Death
will slap you in the face, leaving you clueless on how to cope with it. Alam kong
mahirap noong iniwan nila ako at nangibang bansa, nugnit mas mahirap iyong alam
kong hindi na talaga siya babalik. If she's just abroad, I can work my ass off just
to have the money to track her down and chase her. Ngunit ito? I don't know. It's
impossible. There are no flights going to the afterlife.

Hindi ko na matandaan kung paano ko nakaya iyong balita ng kaniyang pagpanaw. The
doctors said that it's not just that she cut too deep and had lost too much blood.
Aside from that, she also overdosed on several drugs and took aspirins that
quickened the process of blood loss.

I didn't know what happened after that. Raven took me home and I just woke up with
my Dad sleeping beside me. All I remember was crying with my father, and the rest
was just pain and darkness.

My friends rushed to the house the next day. All suffering from hangovers except
for Raven, they crashed inside my room. I didn't invite them over, but I'm sure Dad
did that for me.

As much as we hoped to keep it private, hindi mapipigilan ang pagiging kadugsong ng

media sa aming pamilya. It became the nation's talk for a few days. Dad wasn't
pleased about it. Whenever we're going to turn on the TV, iyong pagkamatay ni
Emmarie ang bubungad sa amin.

The famous Valentin Gorotizca—respected in the business field, the master of the
game—tapos mamamatay ang anak nang dahil sa suicide? People kept on saying things.
That maybe Dad didn't give her enough attention. That Dad was too focused on work
to care for his daughter.

Kasabay noon ang pagiging talamak ng mga usapan tungkol sa pagtitiwakal. Mistulang
dumudugo ang tainga ko habang nakikinig sa kanilang mga sinasabi. Of course, they
would only care when someone's dead! Kapag naman may humihingi na ng tulong, hindi
naman nila pinapansin. People only pay attention when you're dead. At kinabukasan,
baka nga nakalimutan na nila ang nangyari.

I wondered where I went wrong. I gave her what she wanted...right?

Walang gumalaw sa kwarto ni Emmarie matapos ng insidenteng iyon.

Ate Mina found her in her bath tub, drowning in her own blood. Nang buksan ko ang
kaniyang banyo ay hindi ko mapigilan ang sariling isipin ang kaniyang hitsura. How
she probably looked so helpless. How she just badly wanted someone. Kung hindi ako
sumama sa party, nangyari kaya iyon? Probably not because I'll be with her. I'll
accompany her and I'll take her mind off of things. Pero hindi. Wala ako.

The doctors said that death by wrist-cutting is really low. Nang mapansin ko ang
ilang medical books na nagtatago sa ilalim ng kama ni Emmarie ay saka lang ako
naliwanagan. That she was planning this; she was determined to do it. Na miski ako,
hindi siya nakayanang pigilan.

I grew scared when I saw Dad staring into space inside his room. Ilang araw siyang
hindi umalis sa kaniyang kwarto. As much as I wanted to do the same, I had to
entertain those who were visiting for Emmarie's wake. Aside from a few relatives
and a few friends, the Revillaneses were there, of course.

DRESSED IN SUCH fine white lacy dress, my sister looked beautiful inside her
coffin. I spent days talking to her dead body that I felt like I was going insane.
Sometimes, I felt like I was seeing her and she was talking to me. I felt like I
was either daydreaming, hallucinating, or absent-minded most of the time.

Nanigas ako sa aking kinatatayuan nang may pamilyar na pumasok. Umayos ako sa
pagkakatayo at unti-unting lumapit sila sa 'kin. Atty. Josephine's eyes were enough
to tell me that they're also sharing the same sentiments: sadness, longing, and
regrets.

I didn't bother smiling at the rest of the people I barely know. Sigurado naman
akong naiintindihan nila ako. I can't smile, not when my sister is dead.
Hindi ako umalis sa tapat ng kaniyang kabaong. The maids were kind enough to
entertain the people coming. At that moment, I was just staring at her peaceful and
angelic sleeping face, hoping that she'll wake up.

"I-I'm sorry...."

Dahan-dahan kong inangat ang aking mga pagod na mata sa nagsalita. Adonis was only
looking at my sister. Hindi maayos ang kaniyang suot na three-piece suit. Umisod
ako nang kaunti at hinayaan siyang umupo sa aking tabi.

My chest tightened while I listened to his shaky breathing and sobs. Kahit na alam
kong wala siyang naramdamang higit pa sa pagkakaibigan para sa kapatid ko, alam
kong mayroon siyang pakialam kay Emmarie. He cared for her as a friend. I know
Adonis' heart is as fragile as my sister's. He's probably mourning for her loss,
too.

Saglit ko siyang nilingon. Nakapatong ang kaniyang mga siko sa kaniyang tuhod, ang
mga palad ay nakatakip sa mga matang lumuluha. I can tell he's starting to drift
away from his original self, again. Makapal na ang kaniyang buhok, at aninag ko ang
pagod sa kaniyang mga mata.

I gently tugged on his wrsit. Nanginginig ang kaniyang katawan sa sobrang pag-iyak.
I made him face me. Inayos ko ang kaniyang collar at kurbata. I tugged on his coat
when I finished.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have broken up with he—"

Umiling ako. "It's not your fault," I whispered.

Not a single part of me is blaming Adonis for my sister's death.

The only person to blame here is me.

If I was enough as a sister...if I didn't commit the mistakes I did...if I didn't

leave the house and just stayed for the night, none of these would have happened. I
was the only person Emmarie needed, and I wasn't there when she needed me the most.

I felt like the useless twin, but, that's what I was right? I still am.

"I shouldn't...have fallen in love with you," bulong ko. Adonis shook his head.
Umiwas ako sa kamay niyang hahagipin ang aking pisngi.

"If I didn't, then none of these would have happened," I trailed. Binitiwan ko ang
kaniyang coat. I looked away.

I'm sorry, Emmarie.

"The love I had for you was destructive. If I didn't love you back, no one would
have died."

My heart ached more with the thought of our lost child.

I was convinced that the only person to hold responsible for my sister's suicide
was me. Who else, right? If I didn't let my spirit free, edi sana hindi ko
nagustuhan si Adonis. Sana walang nangyaring ganito. Sana hindi naramdaman ni
Emmarie na kulang pa siya. Sana hindi niya naramdaman na ikumpara ang kaniyang
sarili sa 'kin.
Nagmamadali akong umalis doon at pumunta sa aking kwarto. I opened my cabinet and
reached for the angel-shaped velvet box that I haven't touched for a long, long
time. Binuksan ko iyon at dinama ang mga letra ng pendant ng kwintas. Mabilis ko
iyong isinara at naging buo na ang aking desisyon.

If I didn't give him the chance...if I didn't love him back, things would have
turned out differently. Siguradong-sigurado ako noon sa mga iniisip ko.

When I went back to Mom's garden, he was still there. Nang makita ako sa hindi
kalayuan ay agad siyang lumapit.

Look at what you've done, Emmanuelle. How dare you make this man cry? How dare you
break his heart? How dare you ruin everything for him?

His bloodshot eyes were enough to tell me the heartbreak he's dealing with, for my
sister. Is he regretting it now? Nagsisisi na ba siyang minahal niya ako?

I'm not worthy of anyone's love, anyway.

He should. He should regret it...and he should forget about me.

Tinanggap kong malabo na talaga ang posibilidad ng kasiyahan at pagmamahal sa aking

buhay. It will only lead to destruction.

"Thank you," I said as I handed him the box. Marahas ang kaniyang pag-iling kasabay
ng bagong daloy ng mga luha. I backed away when he neared. He shouldn't touch me. I
am cursed. Everything which comes close to me will only be ruined.

"Emmanuelle, please," he begged. I didn't have enough strength to run away and with
his long limbs, he was able to catch up with me without sweating. My body trembled
in fear when he hugged me tight. Sapilitan ko siyang itinulak palayo.

I looked at his beautiful, sad face, memorizing all his features. His birthmark
near his eyebrow, the details of his face, the fragments of light reflected in his
irises—I stared at what I ruined, the man I broke, and the man I do not deserve. I
will never be worthy of a guy like him.

"You are not the guy I fell in love with."

Napapikit siya nang mariin. I kept my distance.

This is the last thing I'll do for him, to save him and correct my mistakes. He
needs to get out of the hellhole he's gradually entering, before he eventually
burns and end up like a misfit that I am.

"The Adonis I loved was everyone's dream guy. He was always smiling, kind even to
those who do not deserve his kindness..."

Naguguluhan siyang tumingin sa 'kin, He bit his lower lip to suppress his sobs.
"I'll bring him back for you—"

"I loved the man whose eyebrows are knitted when he's focused, who complains when
the ink of his pen smudged because he's left-handed, whose goals for the future are
crystal clear, who has an ambition."

"The Adonis I loved was caring and compassionate...who has his eyes solely on his
goal of a great future, who doesn't want to worry his friends, who loves his
family."
"I loved the guy who wasn't ruining his life, his future, and the people around
him. I'm pretty sure Emmarie loved the same guy." Tuluyan akong napahagulgol. He
clenched his fist tightly beside him.

"And right now, you are not that guy, anymore. Please bring him back," I begged.

Suminghap siya. "I'll be better, Emmanuelle—"

"No.Don't be better for me, Adonis. Be better for yourself. Move on. This love is
not for us." I turned my back to him before I can get swayed by his eyes that had
ensorcelled me before. As much as I hate to admit, he is still my weakness.

DAD CONSIDERED ON getting me a therapist but I declined. Now that it's just the two
of us, there's no way that the thought of killing myself will slip into my mind,
anymore. I don't want Dad to feel alone. I don't want him to feel like he's not a
good father. We may have had a rough past, but I'm sure he is a great man, a lover,
and a father. He's trying his best.

I didn't talk to any of my friends during the break. I was busy blaming myself that
I wanted to isolate myself from everyone else because of the fear that I have bad
luck clinging onto me. Natakot akong mas marami pang buhay ang mapahamak dahil sa
akin.

I knew Dad was just making his
better than to buy his façade.
Natakot ako na baka siya naman
alone. What will I do with the
with me?
himself look strong in front of me, but I know
I know he's starting to drown himself in alcohol.
ang sumunod na mawala. I can't afford to be left
properties and the money if I don't have a family

"Dad," I said, catching him red-handed. Napatigil siya sa pagtungga at binaba ang
shot glass. Tiningnan ko lamang ang sandamakmak na bote at lata ng beer sa kaniyang
kwarto.

"I'm sorry. I'm just stressed out," aniya. Bumagsak ang kaniyang balikat.

Dahan-dahan akong lumapit sa kaniya at inayos ang kaniyang pinag-inuman. He was

just watching me with his weary and scared eyes. Nang matapos ay lumuhod ako sa
kaniyang harapan at hinawakan ang kaniyang kamay.

"Be strong for us." My voice cracked. Sa kaniyang pagpikit ay tumulo na rin ang
kaniyang mga luha. He pulled me up and hugged me tight. As our heartbeats matched,
I felt the longing we feel for Mom and Emmarie. Inside the four walls of his
bedroom was a father and daughter suffering in immense pain, looking for strength
in each other.

"We'll be fine. I'm sorry, 'nak. We'll be better. I'll be better for you. 'Wag mo
muna akong iwan, please," aniya sa namamaos na boses. Tumango ako at yumakap lalo
sa kaniya, tila isang batang natatakot na maiwang muli. "Hindi ko na kakayanin kung
pati ikaw, mawawala."

I know it won't be the same, but at least we're trying. It was the saddest
Christmas that we celebrated. We sent all the maids home to spend time with their
families. Dad and I just prepared everything we wanted to eat. Kamaing dalawa lang.

IT'S BEEN TEN solid days since I last talked to my friends. I changed my number and
didn't bother checking my social media accounts. I didn't tell Dad about it because
he might be worried about my mental stability, but in all honesty, I'm fine. It's
just that I don't want to be associated with anyone anymore.
"ARE YOU SURE about this?" tanong sa 'kin ni Dad habang pinanonood akong mag-
impake. Pinalis ko agad ang aking luha nang maalala ang mga sinabi ni Vivian sa
akin kanina. I did deserve those words from her. Nasaktan ko siya kaya niya iyon
nasabi.

Tinapos ko lamang ang 2ndyear at hiniling ko kay Dad na umuwi na kami sa New York
dahil doon ko gustong magpatuloy. There's no use staying in the Philippines,
anyway. My friends hate me now. Wala na akong maiiwan para saktan pa dahil sila na
mismo ang lumayo.

"Yes, Dad..." saad ko, pilit na pinapakalma ang boses upang hindi niya mahalata na
umiiyak ako bago siya pumasok sa kwarto. Hawak niya ang isang mug sa kamay,
probably coffee. Masyado pa kasing maaga. I made sure that no one will know about
me leaving. Wala akong sinabihan kahit isa.

It's not like they're going to search for me, anyway...not when they finally hate
me. Besides, it's summer vacation for them. Sigurado akong ma-didistract sila. And
who knows? By the time I come back, kung sakali mang babalik pa ako...ay baka hindi
na nila ako kilala.

"What about that? That's Danilo's son, right? Do you want Edu to deliver it to his
house?" tanong ni Dad at itinuro iyong portrait ni Diesel na hindi ko na naibigay.
I didn't even attend Diesel's birthday party last January.

I bit my lower lip and shook my head. "Maybe next time," sagot ko na lang.

Dad looked at me with worry etched on his face. Kunot ang kaniyang noo habang
pinanonood akong inaayos ang mga damit sa maleta.

"Nag-away ba kayo? Did you tell your friends you're leaving?" Mapanuri ang kaniyang
mga matang nakatingin sa bawat kilos ko.

I slumped on my bed. I sighed. "They don't care, Dad."

He scoffed. "Of course, they do! They're your friends, Emmanuelle," aniya sa
malumanay na boses.

"We got into a fight," pag-amin ko. Actually, it's worse than that, but's it's not
like an old businessman will understand college drama. Pumalatak si Dad.

"Anak, sabihan mo ang mga kaibigan mo. Alam mong masakit na maiwan na lang nang
walang pasabi."

Natigilan ako sa kaniyang mga salita. I just half-heartedly nodded. "I'll call them
later," pagsisinungaling ko. Nagtagal pa ang kaniyang tingin sa 'kin bago tumango
at iwan ako sa kwarto.

"IS THIS...YOUR friend? That hot bad boy friend of yours?!" gulantang na tanong ni
Mirae habang tinuturo ang isa pang lapida. Napangiti ako nang bahagya sa kaniyang
description kay Diesel. 'Hot bad boy friend' is exact, though. Hindi ko alam kung
nakita na niya si Diesel o na-stalk na sa social media accounts. Well, Diesel's a
known architect now. Bago pa lamang siya sa field ngunit nabuo na niya ang kaniyang
pangalan. Well, he's not a Villaecija for nothing.

"Is he your...brother? 'Di ba sabi mo ay si Emmarie lang naman ang kapatid mo?
Pinsan?" takang tanong niya nang makita ang apelyidong nakaukit sa bato. So that's
why she reacted that way...she thought my hot bad boy friend is dead. Hindi ata
nanonood ng balita itong si Mirae. Diesel is so alive and kicking, but his name's
Ansel now, so...
"No," sagot ko. Maingat kong hinaplos ang maliit na lapida.

"Then?" Naguguluhan si Mirae base sa kaniyang tono. Nginitian ko lamang siya at

tinuro ang date na nakalagay.

December 8.

Mayamaya ay napatakip ang kaniyang palad sa kaniyang bibig sa pagkagulat at sa

pagtanto kung para kanino ang isang lapidang iyon.

"OMG!" tili niya, dahil sa gulat at hindi dahil sa tuwa. Sinaway ko siya sa tinis
at lakas ng kaniyang boses.

"You might wake the ghosts up," pagbibiro ko. Bumagsak ang kaniyang balikat. I know
she's sad for this, too. But I, eventually, learned to accept it. Masakit pa rin
ngunit tanggap ko na. I have three angels watching over me, now.

I sighed and imagined how things would have ended up if he's alive. Nag-aaral na
siguro siya at sigurado akong ginawa na siyang manika ni Mirae. I'm not sure if he
looks like me or his father...but he'll be a headache if he looks like the latter.

I stared at my son's tombstone. I just hope he's not a heartbreaker up there in the
heavens, like the guy who I named him after. Diesel Gorotizca, my little angel.

☽☾

Chapter 36

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti34
chapter thirty-four

FIVE DAYS BEFORE Christmas, we had to let Emmarie go. It all seemed familiar to me,
except now that I'm standing beside my father and not watching from afar. Gaya ng
inaasahan ay may media sa labas na nakaabang. They basically already filmed
everything, made news about the death of my sister and her condition, and now
they're here to ruin our little privacy? I just don't understand how people have
the heart and guts to milk money out of someone's tragic death.

Everyone was dressed in white. It was my request. I didn't want anyone to wear
black. It just seemed too dark for me. I didn't want it that way. It doesn't suit
Emmarie. Wherever she is right now, I hope she's happy with her decision.

Instead of mourning, I wanted people to be happy for her. But of course, that's
selfish. Miski ako, hindi ko ata kakayaning maging masaya para sa desisyon
niya...but that's what she wanted, right?

Or maybe not. I just failed as a sister to see through everything. I thought she
was transparent enough for me to read, pero nagkamali ako, ulit. Paano nangyaring
hindi ko napansin itong lahat? Was I too absorbed with my own problems that I
didn't notice her scars?

And of course, how can someone be happy for her? How can someone be happy for a
young lady who chose to quit her dreams forever? Who chose to end everything than
solve her problems?
Hanggang sa maubos ang tao ay nanatili lang ako sa mausoleum. Expensive flowers
from different public figures were everywhere. Humigpit ang kapit ko sa laylayan ng
aking bistida habang nakatitig sa lapida. My eyes slowly drifted to the far left,
where I left my basket of white tulips, enough to cover the stone tablet of my son.
Dad doesn't mind letting the public know about my lost kid, pero ako, ayaw ko. It's
just too private for me. Isa pa, I don't want people making stories about me and my
angel. Hangga't maaari, ayaw kong may makaalam nito.

What are they going to do about it, anyway? Make my miscarriage reach the front
pages of magazines? Make a series about it? Like The Tragic Life of Gorotizcas? And
what? Put Dad under pressure?

Dinampot ko ang basket. I sighed. Kumuha ako ng isang tulip at iniwan sa tapat ng
lapida ng anak ko. I know it's just the blood I lost, but still, I treasure him. I
can't just move on from the baby I lost. And in the future, if I ever have kids, I
will tell them that they have an older brother.

Dinala ko ang basket sa tapat ng kay Emmarie. I shoved away all the other flowers
that do not matter, at least for me. I mean...do they even know my sister? Probably
not. Baka nga ni hindi pa nila nakakausap si Emmarie kahit isang beses. How can
they show up here and pretend to be sad? O nanghihinayang lang ba sila? Because
Emmarie is one wonderful lady? Sayang ang talent. Sayang ang maliwanag na
kinabukasan.

Or maybe they feel bad for Dad. But all in all, they don't feel sad that Emmarie
took her own life. Hindi nila kayang makisimpatya dahil hindi naman nila ito
kilala. Hindi sila nalulungkot na wala sila para tulungan siya. Hindi sila
nalulungkot na hindi nila naisalba si Emmarie. Because in the end, it's the surname
that matters, not the person.

I don't think I'll ever get used to this life. I am very well aware of how
privileged I am as Valentin Gorotizca's daughter, but I don't like this fancy world
of elites wherein money talks and everything is just a silent competition to the
top. Everything's just too flashy and fake. No wonder Emmarie probably grew tired
of it all.

Hindi na ako lumingon nang marinig ang mga pagtunog ng sapatos. I told the guards
to not let anyone in anymore, so I'm sure the people behind me are pretty important
for the staff to not follow my request.

"So you named him after me, huh?"

Unti-unti kong inangat ang aking tingin at nakita si Diesel na nakatayo sa tapat ng
aking anak. Nakapamulsa siya at nakatitig lamang sa maliit na lapida. He turned to
look at me and smiled. I couldn't smile back, not when I felt the tears forming
again.

I stood up from where I was crouching and saw my friends standing right behind me.
I didn't talk to them for days, but now they're here. Hanggang ngayon ay 'di ako
makaimik. Bagsak lamang ang balikat kong nakatingin sa kanila.

Raven and Adira were only staring at my sister's tombstone. Vivian's eyes were
puffy as she tried to lock our gazes. Tanging ang tunog ng yabag ni Diesel ang
ingay na maririnig. The next thing I knew, he was right beside me. Kinulong niya
ako sa kaniyang bisig.

"We're here, Emmanuelle. You have us, okay?" mahina niyang bulong. Hanggang sa
mayamaya'y inipit na nilang apat ang aking katawan. And at that moment, I knew I
didn't have to speak my mind. Tahimik kong pinakawalan ang mga natitira pang luha
sa kanilang bisig. Words were useless. We didn't need those to let each other know
how we feel.

But do I deserve friends like them? Now that three lives have been taken because of
my recklessness and selfishness? Why did they even want to be friends with me in
the first place, anyway?

Did Diesel just see me as a charity case because he had seen me at my worst? E si
Raven? He's probably sticking around because Vivian's his sister. Adira's there
because of Diesel. And Vivian probably had no choice back then.

I drowned in self-loathing and the pain that comes with solitude. After Emmarie's
burial, I cut connections with everyone and changed my number. I knew they'd be
able to track me down at my house, so I decided to stay at the studio for the
remaining days before the year ends. Pinapalitan ko na iyong doorknob dahil
mayroong susi si Vivian nung nauna.

I ended up with half-finished paintings. Wala akong matapos-tapos. The contentment

was out of sight, and the joy in doing the things I loved gradually faded. Unti-
unti akong nawalan ng pag-asa na magbigay-buhay sa aking mga likha. None of my
works touched my heart and made contact with my soul. I ended up burning them
because of lack of satisfaction.

"IS IT OKAY if we attend a party for the New Year?" tanong ni Dad habang naglilinis
ako ng kwarto. I just shrugged. I don't really like the thought of being surrounded
by millionaires and their fancy clothing, but if that's what Dad wants, it's fine
with me.

"Dito tayo mag-didinner," aniya at ngumiti. Sandali akong nahawa sa kalmado niyang
pagngiti. We're trying, alright. Apat na taon na mula noong nakapag-celebrate kami
na kumpleto ang pamilya. Back then, I didn't value the parties that my father hosts
for holiday celebrations. Kung alam ko lang na hindi na iyon mauulit, sana in-enjoy
ko.

Nagtatalo ang isip ko na mag-check ng social media accounts dahil sigurado akong
baha na iyon ng kanilang mensahe. Ate Mina is already getting concerned with me.
Naghihinala na siya na nagtatago ako sa mga kaibigan ko. Lagi kasing may isang
pupunta sa kanila rito sa bahay, at lagi nilang sasabihin na wala ako. Well, that
didn't stop Vivian. Isang buong araw ata akong nagkulong kwarto ni Dad dahil dito
pa siya natulog. Good thing Dad was out for his work that whole day. Hindi na rin
niya naabutan si Vivian nang makauwi siya dito.

Like what I expected, there's media-men all over the party venue. Good thing Dad
didn't entertain anyone. Alam niya rin na ayaw ko ng ganoon, mula pa noong bata pa
ako. I always hated interviews. Can't they just let us live our lives without
asking questions? The news are all sugarcoated, anyway.

Dad didn't want to leave me alone but I forced him to. He needs to socialize.
That's part of his job, and I understand that. Isa pa, may mga pagkain naman sa
venue kaya kahit wala akong kasama ay nalilibang ako. Nakalimutan ko na ata ang
pakiramdam ng may makitang maraming tao dahil lagi akong nakakulong sa studio o sa
bahay.

Mahina akong napamura nang halos matapunan ng wine ang aking bistida dahil biglaang
may humila sa aking pulso. Iniwan ko ang kopita sa naglalakad na staff at halos
madapa na ata dahil sa pagmamadali ng taong kumakaladkad sa 'kin.

"Ano ba?!" reklamo ko, kinokontrol ang tono ng pananalita. As much as I wanted to
shout, I didn't want to risk humiliating my Dad in public. Nahigit ko ang aking
hininga nang makita ang matalim na tingin ni Diesel sa akin. Nagtaasan ata ang
aking balahibo sa nanlilisik niyang mga mata.

"What?" tanong ko para maibsan ang pagka-awkward naming dalawa. Nagtangis ang
kaniyang panga at bahagyang umirap.

"You're avoiding us, aren't you?" he growled. Umiwas ako ng tingin at nagkunwaring
walang ginagawang masama. He hissed and grabbed my arm.

"Masakit, Diesel," reklamo ko kahit hindi naman talaga. Pumalatak siya at binitiwan
ako sa may gilid kung saan wala masyadong tao.

He towered over me. Humalukipkip ako at hindi na siya tiningnan. Nagpakawala siya
ng malalim na hininga.

"Emmanuelle...what's wrong?"

I closed my eyes shut and controlled my breathing. Umiling lamang ako. Hindi ba
pwedeng ayaw ko na lang talaga makipagkaibigan sa kanila? Hindi ba pwedeng mas
gugustuhin kong maging mag-isa?

"You have us, remember?" mariin niyang sabi. Umiling ako at bahagyang tinulak ang
kaniyang dibdib. I was shocked when he was easily pushed away from me, like he's
too weak to resist even my slightest force on him.

Nanghihina siyang tumingin sa akin. "I know you're hurting...but please don't hurt
the people around you."

I clenched my fists. I blinked back the tears. "I have you guys now, but...until
when?"

Nabasag ang aking boses. I saw the panic in his eyes. Nagmamadali akong umalis doon
at nakihalo sa mga tipo ng tao na hindi ko gusto.

I WAS AFRAID that I'd lose my friends in the future, so I gradually left them. The
problem is, they wouldn't let me leave. They didn't want to let me go. No matter
how hard I push them away, they just won't budge. Kahit ilang beses ko silang
pagsarhan ng pinto, kinabukasan o mayamaya lamang ay naroon na ulit sila at
naghihintay.

I was afraid they would leave me anytime soon. I planned on making them hate me, so
that they would leave me instead. Pagbalik sa klase ay nagsimula na akong
dumistansya. I know it's hurting them, and it's hurting me, too, but that's what I
had to do. At that moment, I believed that what I did was for the best.

Vivian:

Lunch? It's my birthday.

Mahigpit ang kapit ko sa aking phone. I've been avoiding people by staying at the
Senior High School Department. At kahit hindi ipaalala ni Vivian, alam ko na
birthday niya ngayon. There's no way that I can forget about my girl's birthday.

It was a tough decision. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Breaking her heart is also
breaking mine. Ngunit, buo na ang desisyon ko. Dad already agreed to take me to New
York and to continue my studies there. Kung hindi lang talaga magkakaroon ng
komplikasyon kung hindi ko tatapusin ang academic year ngayon, baka Disyembre pa
lamang ay nasa US na ako.
Hindi ko na siya ni-reply-an. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magtatago nang sabihin
niyang hinahanap ako ni Diesel. There's just no way I can fully escape Diesel. That
guy's got eyes everywhere on the campus.

Kahit na gutom na ako ay nagtiis na lamang ako at naglakad papunta sa main library.
I know Diesel's not expecting me to be here, and he's not going to search here.
Alam ko rin na wala siyang kaibigang nagtatagal sa lugar na ito kaya wala siyang
galamay dito.

Dahil lunch break ay wala masyadong tao sa library. Nanatili ako sa isang gilid at
nakatitig lamang sa pekeng bulaklak na centrepiece ng pabilog na kahoy na lamesa.

My moment of solitude was abruptly disrupted when someone slammed a thick law book
on the table. Napapitlag ako sa gulat. Inangat ko ang aking tingin at halos tumigil
ata sa paghinga nang makita ko si Raven na masama ang tingin sa akin.

"It's my sister's birthday. What's wrong with you?" Nahimigan ko ang iritasyon sa
kaniyang boses. Binaba ko lamang ang tingin sa lamesa na tila walang narinig.

"Is this what you really want?" mababa niyang sabi.

Pinigilan ko ang lumuha sa kaniyang harapan. I'm tired of crying. Pakiramdam ko'y
hinang-hina na ako sa gabi-gabing pag-iyak.

"Yes," pabulong kong sagot. He hissed and shook his head in disappointment.
Nagtangis ang kaniyang panga at saglit na umiwas ang namungay na mga mata. He
gulped hard and picked up his book.

"Suit yourself," he spat before marching away from me. Napapikit na lamang ako at
hindi na napigilan ang luha. Raven's mad and Vivian's disappointed. Now I only have
Diesel and Adira. It's not going to be easy. And this is probably going to bring me
more trouble, but I have to do this.

I was determined to break everything that I have before they can get taken away
from me. And like the usual, Vivian hosted a party for her birthday. This time, she
didn't tell me.

I SNUCK MY way inside the bar. It's over, anyway. Saglit na lang at matatapos na
ang school year, then I can go to New York with nothing to lose anymore. So what if
I make a scene? People are going to forget about that in the future. Ang mahalaga
rito ay matandaan ng mga taong gusto kong saktan kung paano ko sila sinugatan, at
kailanman ay hindi sila makalimot, upang hindi na nila ako balikan.

When I saw Adira, I gathered all my confidence before marching my way towards her.
Hindi ako lasing ngunit pinilit kong magmukhang lasing. Napansin ko ang pagkabigla
niya nang hilahin ko ang kaniyang buhok. Impit siyang napatili sa sakit.

"Emma! Ano ba?!" reklamo niya at pilit na nagpumigla sa aking kapit. I just
pretended that it's not Adira that I was hurting. The moment I slapped her hard,
gusto ko na lamang lumuhod sa harapan niya at humingi ng tawad.

Not long after, we got attention. May iilang napapatingin sa 'min at hindi ko sila
pinansin kahit na kuhanan pa nila kami ng larawan o video. A strong grip forced me
to remove my hand on Adira's hair. Sumibol ang kaba sa aking dibdib nang makita si
Diesel na mabilis na kinuha si Adira mula sa akin.

"What's wrong with you?!" galit niyang ani. Amidst the neon blue and purple lights,
I can see how red his face is. With anger. With disappointment.
With hatred.

I wanted to say sorry and beg for them to forgive me, but I reminded myself of the
progress of what I already did. Pinigilan ko ang awa nang makita ang mga kalmot sa
braso ni Addie na nagdudugo.

I will never forgive myself. I hope they never forgive me, too.

"Can you not ruin my birthday?"

Napalingon ako sa nagsalita. Galit ang mga mata ni Vivian sa 'kin kahit na tuloy-
tuloy ang pagpatak ng kaniyang luha. I forced a humorless smirk.

"What are you going to do about it?" hamon ko. Hindi siya umimik. Even Diesel was
glaring at me, panakanakang sumusulyap sa mga sugat ni Addie at mapapapikit nang
mariin.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nakayanang pigilan ang luha nang maramdaman ang sampal
ni Vivian. I deserved this. There's no turning back now.

"Alam mo, dapat ikaw na lang 'yong namatay, e. Diesel shouldn't have saved you. You
were not worth saving, anyway...."

I wanted to ask her to take her words back, but I couldn't speak anymore. Tinanggap
ko ang punyal na tumarak sa aking dibdib dahil sa kaniyang matatalim na salita.
Bago pa man ako lumuha sa harap nila ay tumakbo na ako palabas. Nanlalabo na ang
aking paningin sa pagbaha ng luha sa aking mga mata.

Vivian's words were venom and it was a slow death experience for me. I felt like
her words were resonating inside my head, at kahit paulit-ulit, hindi nababawasan
ang sakit na nararamdaman ko doon.

Did she mean it? Or is she just mad?

Sumalampak ako sa semento ng parking lot, hindi iniinda ang sakit ng pagtama ng
aking tuhod sa magaspang na sahig. My thighs felt numb as I punched myself over and
over for hurting the people I love.

I heard someone calling my name and felt someone shaking my shoulders. Careful
fingers wiped away my own tears for me. Nang maaninag ang mukha ni Maxim ay lalo
lamang akong napaiyak.

"E-Emma, a-ayos ka lang ba?" natataranta niyang tanong. I shook my head. Pinilit
niya akong itayo ngunit ang gusto na lamang ng katawan ko ay bumagsak. Narinig ko
ang mahina niyang pagmumura nang bumagsak kami sa semento.

"Maxim," I called. Ang maamo niyang singkiting mata ay nilingon ako. Without
thinking, I pulled his face closer to mine and occupied his lips, thinking of
someone else. Even without the influence of alcohol, I felt like I was gradually
losing my mind. I started to do things my mind had no control over. I just wanted
to vanish.

I was getting dizzy with all the crying and the bleeding from my friends' words and
their far form friendly stares. Hindi ko namalayan kung kailan pa ako nailayo kay
Maxim. The sound of my ripping dress wasn't enough to wake me up. I hissed when I
felt something trickling down my knees. The rough cement ripped my dress and
scraped my skin.
"I was going to ask if you're okay after I saw what happened."

Adonis' hawk eyes were looking at me with disgust. Napalingon ako sa kaniyang hawak
na box. His hold on the familiar angel-shaped velvet box tightened. Nanikip ang
dibdib ko roon.

"And I was going to give this back to you...but now that I've seen you stoop down
so low and force yourself into a guy? I don't think you're worth it. At least, not
anymore."

I let out a forced chuckle. Tell me more about it, Adonis. It's not like you can
break me twice. Besides, this is the last time I'll see you. What will you do if
you knew that I was thinking of you while kissing an innocent guy?

"And it seems like you're more than fine. This is what you want, right? Me leaving
you? Guess what, you didn't have to tell me that." His voice broke. Hindi ako alam
kung bakit ako nakangiti. I'm not even sure if I'm drunk or I'm not.

"Kusa kitang iiwan kahit hindi mo sabihin," mariin niyang sabi bago ako iwan doon.

I WENT TO New York with nothing but a broken heart and a jar full of regrets. I
begged Dad to not attend my ceremony anymore. Pormal na lamang naming kinuha ang
certificates ko dahil nagmamadali na akong umalis. Wala na ata akong mukhang
ihaharap sa kanilang lahat matapos ang ginawa ko.

I studied for two years in New York. It was difficult to adjust at first, and I
kept my solitude, not until Mirae Lim showed up. She's one those rich girls you
avoid at school. She basically had an army of students protecting her and
worshipping her like a god. But she wanted me, and she did succeed after making me
realize that I have stopped living my life the moment I believed that I do not
deserve anyone or anything. Well, she always gets everything she wants, that's her
mantra.

I was the person who isolated myself, while Mirae was the one who only wanted a
genuine relationship with anyone. Being the Mirae Lim, her life was full of college
drama and fake friends. Isa pa, her parents are always travelling around the globe
for their work, so she's basically always alone.

MIRAE ENDED UP sleeping in the vehicle. Ginising ko lamang siya nang makarating
kami sa bahay.

"This is a palace, Emma!" eksahedera niyang saad habang nililibot ang tingin sa
kabuuan ng bahay. Dad had it repainted while we were in New York. Ang garden ni Mom
ay pinaayos niya rin at ngayon ay mas marami nang bulaklak sa malawak na espasyong
pumapaligid sa bahay.

"It's nothing compared to your townhouse," tugon ko at umirap. Natawa naman siya
roon. Sinalubong kami ng mga serbidora na tuwang-tuwa kay Mirae dahil sa accent
nito 'pag nagta-Tagalog. At syempre, sa buhok kong kulay muted pink. Halos magwala
si Nana sa hitsura ng buhok ko.

Ate Mina was the same. Mukhang natutuwa rin siya kay Mirae dahil sa kadaldalan ng
kaibigan ko. Sadly, Yohan was at their province because he's already studying.

"Where's Dad?" tanong ko. Mirae was busy scrutinising the decors in the kitchen
area. Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya namamangha e hamak na mas simple ang mansyon
namin kaysa sa townhouse nila.

"Pauwi na. Ay, ayan na ata?" sagot ni Ate Krizel at sumilip sa may entrada.
Napaayos tuloy ako ng upo. Mirae went back to her seat to finish her sandwich.

Napangiti ako nang makita si Dad na papalapit sa amin. He gave Mirae a hug before
turning to me and kissing me on the forehead. Mirae might be a drama queen and a
high maintenance socialite, but she's easy to be with and Dad also likes her.

"Tamang-tama...I have someone here," saad ni Dad. Kumunot ang noo ko at saglit na
kinabahan sa kaniyang sinabi. I was about to ask him who but his phone rang and he
immediately excused himself.

My smile faded when I saw who Dad was talking about, staring at me with his playful
eyes and a dangerous smirk painted on his lips.

"Ooh, who's that?" mahinang sabi ni Mirae sa aking tainga.

Iginala ko ang tingin sa kaniyang braso. He's got tattoos on his arms and rings on
his fingers. He sauntered his way towards us and I swear, he had Mirae drooling.
Hindi nawawala ang ngisi sa kaniyang labi hanggang sa makalapit.

"Speechless?" nanunuya niyang sabi. I bit my lower lip and nodded. Napatawa siya
roon.

Why is he not mad at me? He's supposed to be mad, right? His lazy eyes looked at
Mirae who is basically melting on her spot. Saglit na kumunot ang kaniyang noo
dahil siguro ngayon niya lang naktia si Mirae. He extended his arm and offered his
hand. Nilingon niya ako at saglit na tinaasan ng kilay.

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?" mapaglaro ang kaniyang tono.
Saka lamang ako natauhan.

"Mirae..." I struggled to find the words to say.

"He's...the hot bad boy friend of mine," saad ko na lalong nagpangisi kay Diesel.

"That's right," aniya at humalakhak bago bumitiw sa kamay ng aking kaibigan.

He shifted his gaze to me and winked. "Missed you," aniya. He smiled at Mirae
before walking away. Habol-tingin kaming magkaibigan sa kaniyang likuran. He halted
on his tracks.

"By the way, they miss you, too," aniya at lumingon. Bahagya siyang ngumiti.
"Welcome back, Emmanuelle. Don't leave us ever again."

☽☾

Chapter 37

It's pronounced as Mi-ra-yi.

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti35
chapter thirty-five

WALA KAMING GINAWA sa unang araw dahil parehas kaming nakaramdam ng pagod. Mirae
ended up sleeping in my room since Emmarie's room remained untouched since that
incident. Parehas kami ni Dad na hindi alam ang gagawin doon. Well, I think he has
a plan already, but he's waiting for an opportunity to tell me, because why the
hell will there be an architect here in our house?

Bandang alas nueve ay nagising ako. Mirae was still sleeping soundly with her phone
on her hand. Nakatulugan na niya ang pakikipagtawagan sa kaniyang mga magulang. I
picked up her phone and put it on the bedside table before going down.

The lights were already dimmed but the chandelier in the kitchen area remained lit.
Uminom lamang ako ng tubig ngunit narinig ko ang paghalakhak sa labas. Probably Dad
and his...friends? I'm not sure. Hinigpitan ko ang tali ng aking roba bago nagtungo
sa labas.

Naaninag ko na sina Dad na nakapwesto sa bagong ayos na hardin. Mula sa malayo ay

kinawayan ako ni Diesel, his ring still glimmering despite the lack of light.
Simple akong kumaway at ngumiti bago lumapit. Somehow, I feel guilty for what I did
five years ago. Mas madali sana kung galit siya sa akin ngayon, ngunit hindi naman.
I wonder if all these time, he knew where I was. I know he cannot buy Dad's promise
to me, but he can pay men to search the globe for me.

Umupo ako sa natitirang puting kahoy na upuan. Diesel's coat was draped on the
backseat of his chair. The three buttons of his shirt were left open. His dark
stares remained on me while he sipped on his drink.

The five years did wonders to his features. He looked rougher and extremely more
dangerous than ever. Kumunot ang noo ko sa mga tattoos niya. I wonder if that's
allowed on his field of profession, but, you can't make Diego Anselmo Villaecija
follow the rules. He makes them.

"Where's Mirae?" tanong ni Dad. Sumandal siya sa kaniyang upuan at nagkatinginan

sila ni Diesel. Hindi ko alam kung para saan iyon.

"Sleeping," tipid kong sagot. Dad nodded.

Nagtagal ang kaniyang tingin sa 'kin. Kumunot ang noo ko sa kaniyang kinikilos.

"What, Dad?" tanong ko. Naningkit lamang lalo ang kaniyang mata sa 'kin.

"I'm old and sleepy. I'll leave you two here," saad ni Dad at ngumiti. It's my time
to squint my eyes on him. He hates it when I say he's old, kaya imposibleng siya
mismo ang magsabi n'on sa sarili niya. Humalakhak lamang siya bago tumayo.

"Architect, you know your way out. And, the guest room is always available if you
want to stay." Diesel only nodded at my father and gave him a little salute. Nang
makaalis na si Dad ay nanahimik na kaming dalawa.

Nag-iisip ako ng magandang palusot para lamang makaalis dito. He looks like he
doesn't care at me at all and he's just enjoying his wine habang ako ay parang
sinisilaban na ang kaluluwa ko dito. Dapat pala ay dinala ko ang cellphone ko para
kunwaring may tumawag sa 'kin at kailangan kong umalis. Pero, naiwan ko naman iyon
sa kwarto. Ugh.

"So...New York, huh?" panimula ni Diesel. Pumalatak ako at tumango dahil nakadungaw
na ang kaniyang tingin sa akin.

Bumuntong hininga siya at nilapag ang baso. He intertwined his fingers and rested
his chin on his clasped hands. Gusto kong bumitiw sa kaniyang tingin ngunit
masyadong malalim ang kaniyang paninitig. It's like he doesn't want me to get my
eyes of him.
Pinilit kong umiwas. The scene at Vivian's party remained vivid to me. Pati na rin
ang kanilang mga salita na hanggang ngayon ay tandang-tanda ko pa. Ang mga galos na
natamo ko noong gabing iyon ay hindi pa ata naghihilom.

I did distract myself while I was in New York, but now that I'm breathing the same
air as him—as them—I'm not so sure anymore. Kaya ayaw kong bumalik, e. Hindi ata
ako handang makita ang kahit sino sa kanila matapos ng ginawa ko.

"Sorry," I whispered, like I didn't want him to hear it. Umiling lamang siya at
napangisi.

"Kalahating dekada na ang lumipas, Emma. You think we're still mad at you for what
you did?" mahina niyang tanong. I chewed on my lower lip. Inilapit niya ang
kaniyang upuan sa 'kin. He gripped on my knee.

"We just...miss you, okay? Wala na 'yon. We know you and how your mind works and
why you did those things. Let's forget about those."

Nanghihina akong tumango. He chuckled and tousled my hair. Nanaig muli ang
katahimikan sa 'ming dalawa. This time, it was more comfortable rather than
awkward. Napalingon ako sa mga tattoo niya. My eyes squinted when I saw letters on
his fingers.

"Patingin nga ng tattoo mo," saad ko at kukuhanin sana ang kaniyang kamay ngunit
agad niyang nilayo. He smirked.

"Nah-uh," pigil niya. Hinampas ko ang kaniyang braso. Natawa lamang siya at sinapo
iyon.

"Who's your girl?" tanong ko na lalong nagpahalakhak sa kaniya. I swear, he had

letters on his fingers! Sigurado akong pangalan iyon!

"Kung hindi ka umalis...sana nalaman mo, 'di ba?" panunuya niya. Inirapan ko lamang
siya at humalukipkip. Itinago na niya ang kaniyang isang kamay.

Natahimik kaming muli. I wonder how my other friends are. I'm pretty sure Raven is
still studying, if ever he continued to pursue law. Vivian, I'm not sure if she
pursued that tattoo parlour dream of hers. Si Adira, hindi ko alam kung nagbabanda
pa ba o hindi na. Well, Hearthushed is still creating music. Kahit hindi ako
nagche-check ng social media ay alam ko dahil naririnig ko ang mga kanta nila sa
streaming sites. I guess music is really their passion.

"What about the father of your child? He still doesn't know?" tanong ni Diesel.
Kumunot ang noo ko at nilingon siya. Tinaasan niya lamang ako ng kilay.

I sighed and shook my head. Nagtagal ang kaniyang tingin sa 'kin at bahagya akong
kinilabutan dahil mukha siyang may masamang plano.

I still haven't told Dad about Adonis. Hindi ko alam kung tatanggapin niya ba iyon
o ano. Isa pa, siguradong masasagasaan si Emmarie kung sakali mang magkwento ako
tungkol kay Adonis. Hindi ko alam kung may negatibo bang epekto kay Dad kung sakali
mang aminin ko iyon sa kaniya. Hindi maiiwasang hindi masanggi ang pagkamatay ni
Emmarie kung sakali mang ipaalam ko na 'yon sa kaniya. And that topic...I'm not
sure if Dad's still sensitive about it.

"He deserves to know," simpleng sabi ni Diesel. Tumango naman ako. I want to tell
him, actually. Noong nasa New York, alam ni Mirae na nakunan na ako ng bata ngunit
nito ko lang nakwento sa kaniya kung sino ang ama n'on at ano ang tunay na storya.
Matagal na rin niyang sinasabi sa 'kin na ipaalam ko. I'm just not sure how and
when, especially back then, I didn't really think of it because I thought we're not
going back here anymore.

"I'll tell him," sagot ko kahit hindi alam kung paano. Napansin ko ang saglit na
pag-angat ng gilid ng kaniyang labi.

Napahikab ako sa paghaplos ng malamig na hangin ng gabi. Diesel stood up and wore
his coat. He's probably going home now. Napalingon ako sa kaniyang kamao na
hanggang ngayon ay pinipilit niyang itago sa laylayan ng kaniyang manggas. Napairap
ako roon.

"Go back to sleep. You have visitors tomorrow."

Kumunot ang aking noo at magtatanong pa sana ngunit kinawayan na niya ako at
nagmamadaling lumabas. I sighed and just went back to my room. Mabuti na lang at
magaan lang si Mirae at mabilis kong naisod ang payat niyang katawan na sobrang
likot matulog.

THE NEXT MORNING, Mirae forced me to dress up. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. And by
dressing up, she meant some high waist skinny jeans and a tank top. I didn't expect
that dressing up meant dressing less to Mirae. Ang inaasahan ko ay bistida ang
gusto niyang isuot ko ngunit hindi siya pumayag. Natataranta siya sa kaniyang phone
habang nagsasalita ng Korean na hindi ko maintindihan. That's probably an emergency
if she's speaking in Korean. 'Pag nag-pa-panic lang naman siya nagko-Korean.

Natigil siya sa paghahanap ng babagay na coat sa kaniyang suot na fitted dress

habang may kausap sa telepono. I just stared at her, confused. Nakaipit ang
kaniyang telepono sa tainga sa leeg habang hinahalukay niya ang kaniyang maleta.
The sounds of my pumps made her look at me. Dahan-dahan umawang ang kaniyang labi
at ngumisi na mukhang nagtagumpay sa kung ano. Pumamewang siya at hinead-to-foot
ako. She twirled her fingers as if asking me to turn around so I did. Lalong
lumawak ang kaniyang ngisi.

"Seonja, I think I found the perfect model," aniya at basta binato ang kaniyang
cellphone sa kama. She picked up a checkered blazer and flashed me her signature
cat smirk.

"Breakfast?" aniya at nauna pa sa akin na bumaba na akala mo'y bahay niya ito.

Nilingon ko ang kaniyang phone. Napapikit na lamang ako nang mariin nang medyo
nagkaroon ng ideya kung para saan itong pagbibihis na 'to. Tinatamad na akong
magpalit kaya naman sumunod na ako sa baba.

I kissed Dad on the cheeks before sitting next to Mirae. Dahil parehas kaming
nasanay na hindi na kumakain ng kanin at ng agahan ay parehas kaming nagkape na
lang. Dad was the only one eating rice, eggs and grilled meat. Nagtataka ako kung
bakit ang daming nakahain sa mesa. Kahit ata kumain kami ni Mirae ay hindi iyon
mauubos.

"Bakit ang daming pagkain, Dad?" tanong ko. He just smiled at me and went back to
eating. Nagkatinginan kami ni Mirae. Signs of aging na ba ang pagiging weird ng
tatay ko?

"So...where are you two headed?" tanong ni Dad at sinipat kami ni Mirae. Tinaasan
ko ng kilay itong kaibigan ko dahil mukhang alam niyang hindi ko siya matatanggihan
sa harap ni Dad kung anoman ang plano niya. Lagi siyang kinakampihan ni Dad! Ano'ng
laban ko doon?

"My younger cousin wants to pursue Fashion Designing in Paris, but she has this
little project for her own zine here in the PH before she leaves. I can do the
photography, but we need a model. Emmanuelle's the perfect one," aniya at ngumiti
nang pagkatamis-tamis. Pilit akong ngumiti sa kaniya ngunit pasimple siyang
pinanlakihan ng mata.

"Oh? Anong oras kayo aalis?" tanong ni Dad at panay ang silip sa kaniyang telepono.
Kumunot ang noo ko roon.

I really don't have any problem if Dad wants to see someone else. It's been eight
years since Mom's death, and he needs all the love he deserves. Of course, I'll do
a background check first. This is Valentin Gorotizca we're talking about, not just
some random guy in the city. Everyone is after our money.

"We're not late, yet. It's okay," Mirae said innocently. Inirapan ko lamang siya.

Complete attendance ata kami sa Fashion Week sa New York mula noong nakilala ko
siya. Her mother is friends with several known designers, and she's practicing her
photography for her own portfolio. Our projects usually revolved on making
magazines and print documentaries for fashion shows, from high-end catwalks, to
Haute, and latest season releases, to behind-the-scenes of top-tier magazines.

At sa ilang taon ko siyang kilala, lagi niya akong pinipilit mag-model. With her
connections, she can even get me to Marc Jacobs' line. Hindi ko makakalimutan iyong
muntikan na niya akong mautong maipasok sa Ford. I am enjoying my life as a graphic
designer and an artist! Wala sa isip ko iyong pagmomodelong pinipilit niya talaga
sa akin.

Halos masamid ako nang pumasok si Diesel sa may dining area. Nakasimpleng t-shirt
lamang siya at jeans at halos lumuwa ang mata ni Mirae sa mga tattoo sa braso nito.
Pasimple kong kinurot ang hita ni Mirae sa ilalim ng mesa.

"He's married," sabi ko na lang. Napasimangot siya roon ngunit mabilis na bumalik
ang ngisi.

"I'm sure he has friends," aniya at mahinang tumawa. Napairap na lamang ako. Na-
witness ko na ata kung ilang beses nang-reject 'tong si Mirae at alam kong
imposibleng maghabol siya ng lalaki. So, she's probably just really thirsty for my
friend.

"Architect!" Dad acknowledged him. Ngumisi lamang si Diesel at hinagip ang tingin
ko. What is he doing here? Nang bahagya siyang umipod ay tila binuhasan ako ng
malamig na tubig nang makita ang kasama niya. I then looked at Dad who's grinning
with Diesel. Kailan pa sila naging tandem?!

"Eat up. Para sa inyo 'yan. I'll just sign some paper upstairs," simpleng sabi ni
Dad. He reached for my hand and wiggled his brows before getting off his chair and
going upstairs.

Mirae looked lost. Napakurap-kurap siya habang nakatingin sa mga kaibigan ko.

"Morena, curvy, pin-straight locks," Mirae enumerated as she scrutinized Vivian.

Bagsak ang balikat kong nakatingin sa kaibigan. Hindi niya binibitiwan ang aking
tingin.

"She's...Vi? The girl you're talking about?" mahinang sabi ni Mirae. Dahan-dahan
akong tumango ngunit hindi pa rin nababali ang tinginan namin ni Vivian.

"Bitch!" sigaw nito at nagmartsa papunta sa akin. I pushed my chair back and met
her halfway. Mahigpit ang kaniyang yakap sa 'kin habang ako'y binaon lamang ang
mukha sa kaniyang balikat.

"Gaga ka! Bigla kang umaalis!" mataray na sabi niya nugnit nabasag ang kaniyang
boses. I heard the movement of chairs behind us.

"I missed you," bulong ko. Yumanig ang katawan ni Vivian sa aking hawak sa kaniyang
paghagulgol.

"Don't cry, Emmanuelle! You have a photoshoot!" saad ni Mirae. Mabilis kong pinalis
ang luha at tumingala. Right.

Nothing much has changed, except for our height and a more mature body built. Sa
isang iglap, parang walang nangyari. I guess that's what soulmates are. No matter
how much you hurt them, or they hurt you, you'll always find your way back to each
other and forgive. You learn together. Nothing can break you two apart with a
foundation of such strong love no words can explain.

"Ako rin, hug!" Napabitiw ako nang may nagsalita. Raven was grinning widely as he
approached me. I chuckled when he lifted me up and spun as he carried my body like
I weighed nothing. Tinapik ko ang kaniyang braso nang makaramdam ng hilo.

I introduced them to Mirae. Mukha namang natutuwa si Mirae sa mga kaibigan ko. She
told me she always wanted a friendship like ours, lalo na dahil sa buhay niya,
bihira siya makakita ng ganito dahil nga umiikot sa mundo ng mga socialites ang
pamilya niya.

"You're still studying?" tanong ko kay Raven. He slumped back on his seat and put
his arms over Vivian's backrest. He lazily nodded.

"BAR Review na lang," sagot niya.

Vivian rolled her eyes. "BAR Review tapos diretso sa pad ng girlfriend."

"Syempre, pambawi ng lakas!" suporta ni Diesel. Nag-apir sila ni Raven na tila

nagkakaintindihan. Tawang-tawa iyong dalawang lalaki habang is Vivian ay mukhang
masuka-suka.

"Where's Adira?" tanong ko. Mirae was listening attentively. Hindi ako nabahala na
baka feeling niya'y excluded siya dahil mukhang natutuwa siyang makinig sa mga
kwento nila.

"She works at Chanson Records,"sagot ni Diesel.

"She's still in a band?" usisa ko. Sigurado naman akong kung oo, sana nakapakinig
na ako ng kanta nila. Umiling siya.

"Nope. Graphic designer, and also the Assistant Music Supervisor."

Tama nga ang hinala ko na iingay kami 'pag nagkasundo na si Vivian at Mirae. Raven
looked like his ears wanted to bleed whenever they would squeal in chorus. Si
Diesel ay literal na tinatakpan ang kaniyang tainga. Turns out, Vivian and Mirae
have some common friends...and crushes. Hindi na iyon nakakagulat dahil halos buong
siyudad ata ang kilala ni Vivian.

"How's NY?" tanong ni Raven. I snapped my fingers, a signal that I'm letting Mirae
do the talking. Tutok ang magkapatid sa pagsasalita ni Mirae habang si Diesel ay
kunot ang noo lalo na pagdating sa mga lalaking nireto sa 'kin ni Mirae noon.

"Aside from turning down guys, she also turned down an offer from a Ford Scout,"
saad ni Mirae at umirap. Napatawa si Vivian doon at tumaas naman ang kilay ni
Raven.

"Baka mamaya Miss U ka na?" pagbibiro ni Vivian. Umirap lamang ako sa kanila.
Hanggang ngayon talaga ay hindi makalimutan ni Mirae iyon dahil hinayang na
hinayang siya.

"She was barefaced, and she was wearing this ridiculously large oversized hoodie,
and she's just looking around the backstage of a catwalk...pero nilapitan siya. Do
you know that Ford usually requires a form fitting outfit to see the shape of your
body before you can actually get to the screening? Pero siya, wala namang ginagawa,
nilapitan! Ni-reject niya pa!"

I never did professional modelling. Siguro'y iyong mga simpleng pictures lang na
pinilit pa ako ni Mirae para sa portfolio niya, but branded catwalks and
professional shoots? Never. It's just not my thing. Like Mirae, I enjoy working
behind the cameras and spotlight.

Diesel's phone rang. Hindi nakatakas sa paningin ko ang saglit na pagngiti niya
bago iyon sagutin at senyasan akong lalabas muna siya.

Mabilis lamang na nakabalik si Diesel. Raven got busy on his phone while Vivian and
Mirae kept on talking. Hindi naman ata napapagod ang dalawang 'to na mag-usap.

"You're...a photographer, right?" tanong ni Diesel pagbalik niya. Nagkatinginan

kami ni Mirae. Kinurot ko muli ang hita niya dahil sa kaniyang nakakalokong ngisi
sa tanong ni Diesel. Diesel's taken!

"Why?" tanong ni Mirae, hindi pa rin inaalis ang ngisi.

"Chanson Records' photographer filed an emergency leave. At hindi nila pwedeng i-

postpone ang shoot ngayon kasi naghahabol na sila sa deadlines.Is it okay if you—"

"My services are expensive. I shoot for Vogue and Marc Jacobs, sometimes for
Versace, just so you know," nanunuyang sabi ni Mirae.

Napa-facepalm na lamang ako. Mukhang ibang 'payment' ata ang gusto nitong si Mirae.
Diesel looked at me for help. Mahina kong sinipa si Mirae sa ilalim ng lamesa
ngunit hindi natinag ang kaniyang ngisi.

Pumalatak si Diesel. "The recording company will pay you, and...I'll pay you, too—"

"What if I don't want money?"

Tuluyang napahalakhak si Raven. Hindi na talaga niya napigilan at halos mamula na

siya sa katatawa. Vivian was biting her lip to prevent herself from laughing.
Kumunot ang noo ni Diesel at nilingon ako. Nagkibit-balikat lamang ako. Mirae's
attracted to him, I can't do anything about it! Unless makahanap siya ng mas
magugustuhan niya kaysa kay Diesel, baka hindi niya ito tigilan.

Mabilis na tumipa si Diesel sa kaniyang phone. Mayamaya ay napangisi ito at

nilingon ako bago tingnan si Mirae.

"There's a go-see later in the afternoon, they're looking for a model. If you take
this project, Emmanuelle will agree to be a part-time model...if ever she gets
accepted," saad ni Diesel. Nahampas ko naman ang mesa. Bahagyang tumaas ang kilay
ni Mirae. I know that look! Mukhang pinag-iisipan na niya ang offer ni Diesel.
Sinamaan ko ng tingin si Diesel ngunit mukhang nagmamakaawa na ang kaniyang
hitsura. His girl's probably going to slit his throat if ever he entertains Mirae.
I guess his playboy ways already died years ago.

"Fine," Mirae gave in. Nakita ko ang pagbuga ni Diesel ng hininga na mukhang kanina
niya pa pinipigilan. Nasapo ko na lamang ang aking noo. Talagang inipit pa niya ako
sa sitwasyon, ha?

Raven had to go to his review and Vivian had to finish her work for a news
company's documentary. Si Diesel naman ay nauna na at hindi ko alam kung saan
pupunta. Mirae and I just spent the rest of our morning strolling at the mall
before we go to her cousin, Seonja Lim.

"WHAT'S YOUR PLAN about...the guy?" tanong ni Mirae habang kumakain kami ng ice
cream.

Napabuntong hininga lamang ako. I'm sure he's a busy man now. Hindi rin naman
siguro mahirap na contact-in siya dahil sigurado akong may secretary naman siya o
ano. Ang mahirap ay kung paano makakapag-set ng appointment sa masikip niyang
schedule. Siguro, kung mahirapan man akong hagilapin siya, Diesel's always there.
Imposibleng hindi niya magawan iyon ng paraan.

"Arrange a meeting, then. I'll just simply tell him," simple kong sagot. Iyon lang
naman ang gusto ko.

Kumunot ang noo ni Mirae. "What if he's married already?" tanong niya.

Natigilan ako. Somehow, her question infinitely rang inside my head. Hindi ko alam
kung bakit parang nawalan ako ng gana bigla sa kinakain nang marinig iyon.

I convinced myself that I'm over him years ago. I should be over him.

The bitterness crept into my tongue that I forgot I was eating ice cream.
Napabuntong hininga ako at masakit na tinanggap ang posibilidad na iyon. He's got a
harem with him when we're in college. Pa'no pa ngayong sigurado akong suceessful na
siya? Edi mas lalong madami ang naghabol sa kaniya.

The thought of it makes me want to see red.

Pero para saan pa, Emmanuelle? Ang labo ko rin talaga!

Stick to the plan, I tell myself. Just tell him because he deserves to know. Wala
akong pakialam kung may asawa na siya...o may anak man. Bumagsak ang balikat ko sa
mga sariling iniisip.

"I know that look in your face, Emmanuelle. You're not over him, yet, are you?"
sinserong tanong ni Mirae, walang halo ng pang-iinis. I closed my eyes shut.

"I don't know," pag-amin ko. Ngayong hindi ko pa nga siya nakikita, parang
nagwawala na ang kalamnan ko sa mga naiisip. Paano pa kaya kapag nakita ko na siya
nang harapan? And to imagine how much he had grown, baka hindi ako makapagsalita
kapag nasa harapan ko na siya!

Ugh. I sound like a whining teenager in love! And I hate it!

"Remember that you have sacrificed a lot already, Emmanuelle, fighting for what
others wanted. You already lost your Mom and your sister. You once lost your
friends, and, you deprived yourself of the happiness you deserved because you kept
on blaming yourself. Isipin mo nga, with all the things you have sacrificed, don't
you think it's time for you to chase after what you really want? If you do love
him, go and tell him."
Napabuntong-hininga ako. Hindi muna ako umimik dahil sigurado akong marami pa
siyang sasabihin. "I mean, you spent years blaming yourself for the things you're
not responsible of. And I'm sure your sister won't be happy that you're depriving
yourself of the happiness you deserve," aniya at ngumiti.

Napanguso ako "What if he doesn't...love me anymore?"

My heart ached at the thought of him loving someone else. He only loved me before,
and I asked him to love my sister back instead of continuing what we had. I asked
him to let me go. Bumabalik ata sa 'kin 'yung mga ginawa ko dahil ako naman ang
nanlulumo ngayon. Ano ba talaga, ha, Emma?

Mirae smirked. "You're friends with me. I'll teach you my ways."

"Ha?" naguguluhan kong tanong.

"You win him over, of course."

WE WENT TO Seonja's place. She's two years younger than Mirae, and her features are
more innocent-looking. They shared the same pale skin and round eyes, but Seonja
emitted a much more pure aura. Si Mirae kasi ay mukhang laging may binabalak na
masama lalo na 'pag ngumingisi.

Mukhang mga simpleng bistida lang naman iyong mga ginawa ni Seonja, nothing too
revealing nor too complicated to wear, but I do admit they looked good. Nag-set-up
lamang kami sa isang kwarto sa loob ng mansyon nina Seonja. Kumpleto naman siya sa
lighting at equipment, kaya naman hindi kami masyadong nahirapan, except that Mirae
had to order and shout at me from time to time.

"Come on, Emma!" frustrated na sabi niya sa 'kin dahil hindi ko naman talaga alam
ang gagawin. I'm not a model! I don't know how to pose!

Mga after lunch na ata kami natapos. Hindi naman kami pwedeng ma-late doon sa go-
see na pinilit ako ni Diesel na pumunta para lang mapapayag si Mirae na mag-shoot
para sa Chanson Records.

"Take off your make-up. I know someone from the staffs. I told them you declined an
offer form Ford so you're basically on their VIP list now. Hindi tayo magtatagal
tapos makakakain na tayo," dire-diretsong sabi ni Mirae. Napareklamo ako. I'm
starving!

Wala naman akong choice kaya sumama na ako sa kaniya. Ngunit bago 'yon ay tinuruan
muna nila akong magpinsan na maglakad. Well, Mirae's been teaching me to walk
'properly' for catwalks, kaya naman medyo nagamay ko na rin iyon, but I don't like
what I'm doing!

The only modelling experiences I have are for Mirae. That includes posing for her
portfolio, and attending mock events for Fashion Week whenever they lack models.
God, sana lang hindi ako mapahiya mamaya. Ayaw ko itong gawin ngunit ayaw ko namang
mapahiya ang sarili ko at si Mirae, lalo na't binanggit niya iyong tungkol sa Ford!

Sinalubong kami ng kakilala ni Mirae pagdating namin sa venue. Mirae held my hand
tightly and smiled at me before letting me go. She showed me her thumbs up bago ako
sumalang.

There were lighting paraphernalia everywhere, and some cameras. Nakita ko iyong
malapad na screen na konektado sa kung anong nakikita ng lens ng camera na nasa
tapat ko mismo. Sa isang malapad na lamesa ay iilang mga tao na mukhang chine-check
iyong listahan nila. I saw Mirae talking to the man in front. Of course, I'm
probably not in the list. Ni hindi ko nga in-expect na mapupunta ako sa ganitong
sitwasyon!

Pinigilan ko ang ma-conscious sa paghagod nila ng tingin sa 'kin. The black tank
top and fitted jeans hugged my body like second skin. Pakiramdam ko'y masusunog ako
sa mapanuri nilang tingin. Someone raised a green card. Si Mirae ay sinenyasan
akong magsalita.

"Emmanuelle Vesper Gorotizca. I'm 25, no professional experience when it comes to

modelling but...Ford is waiting for me in New York if you don't want me," I said
with full fake confidence, just like how Mirae taught me.

Naaaninag ko ang pagpalakpak niyang walang sound mula sa likuran. Tuwang-tuwa

siguro siya sa kayabangang itinuro niya sa akin. Ang totoo ay wala naman akong
balak tanggapin ang offer ng Ford kahit na ilang taon silang maghintay, o ma-reject
man ako rito!

Someone instructed me to face to my sides. Nahilo na ata ako sa pagpapaikot-ikot

nila sa 'kin. May isang babaeng tumayo at hinawakan ako sa may tiyan. Pati ang
hubog ng katawan ko ay kinapa niya. Tumaas ang kilay ko roon.

"Why didn't you accept Ford?"tanong nito pagkabalik.

"Well, I felt like...Ford was just too much for someone inexperienced like me. I
wanted to start from the bottom and work my way to the top," sagot ko at ngumiti.

Nakikinita ko na ang pagtalon ni Mirae sa tuwa. Pasalamat siya at magaling akong

magsinungaling. This is what she told me. Kaunting subtle na pagyayabang, sabay
kabig pabalik para magmukhang humble.

Nag-usap-usap ang mga taong hindi ko naman kilala. I was so nervous when they asked
me to walk but I reminded myself that Mirae would kill me if I trip and thankfully,
I didn't.

Sumunod ang ilan pang set ng tanong. Mirae showed them some of my photos from her
personal shoot. And since it was Mirae Lim we're talking about, they seemed
impressed already. Which was a bad thing dahil ayaw kong matanggap ako.

"You model for Miss Lim? And you've been at the fitting for NY Fashion Week?"
tanong ng isa sa mga nasa panel na may halong pagkamangha. I forced a smile and
nodded briefly.

That was bad.

Nang makaalis doon ay saka lamang ako nakahinga nang maluwag. Mirae was talking to
the agent she knows kaya hindi pa ako makaalis. Base pa lamang sa pagtili niya,
alam kong positibo ang resulta at ako naman ang kawawa.

"She said you got in! Usually daw kasi ay hihimayin pa nila nang hihimayin ang
models pero ikaw, pasok agad! See? Sabi sa'yo dapat tinanggap mo na 'yong sa Ford!"
she said while we stopped over at a restaurant to eat lunch.

I looked at her with a blank face. Mukha ba akong natututwa?

"Oh, come on, Emma! I'll just tell them to prepare a contract in favour of you
because you're going part-time," panggagatong niya. Tumango na lamang ako dahil
alam kong hindi ako mananalo sa kaniya.
Habang nasa sasakyan ay tinawagan ko si Diesel, iyong numero niyang nakalagay sa
business page niya. Ang sumagot ay isang babaeng nasa kompanya siguro nila.

"I'm looking for Ansel Villaecija," simple kong sabi.

"May I have your name, Ma'am? Do you have an appointment?"

Napairap ako. Pinigilan ko ang attitude dahil alam kong trabaho lang naman niya ito
at pikon lang talaga ako ngayon. "Emmanuelle Gorotizca...from Gorotizca Industries.
I'm his friend."

Mabuti naman at pinagbigyan niyang i-transfer iyong tawag sa office ni Diesel.

"What is it, Emma?" bungad ni Diesel. I gritted my teeth.

"You owe me your Porsche," saad ko.

"What? No!" angal niya ngunit binabaan ko siya ng telepono. I'm just going to
borrow his car while Mirae stays with me here. Sigurado akong buhay pa iyong
Boxster niya.

MUKHANG MAY NAKAUSAP na si Diesel sa recording company dahil may sumalubong agad sa
'min ni Mirae. A staff escorted us to the studio for the shoot. Kumunot ang noo ko
nang makita ang isang babaeng may kausap sa telepono at may bitbit na electric
guitar. I tapped Mirae's shoulders before rushing to the girl.

"Addie!" tawag ko dahil papalayo na siya. Napatigil siya sa paglalakad at hinarap

ako. Her eyes widened and she immediately put her phone in the pocket of her skirt.

"Buhay ka?" tanong niya.

Kinurot ko ang kaniyang braso dahil sa kaniyang sinabi. She chuckled and pulled me
for a hug, like the others, putting the past behind us.

"I'm sorry,"sinsero kong sabi. Ang gaan lang sa pakiramdam na nakita ko silang
muli. Adira chuckled lightly. Naningkit ang mata ko sa singsing na kaniyang suot.

"It's fine.Wait.... Is that the photographer?" aniya at dumungaw. Tumango ako. She
let out a sigh.

"Diesel didn't tell me that you're home. That bastard," mahina niyang bulong at
pumunta kami sa studio. Nilingon ko si Mirae na nakatayo lang sa gilid na mukhang
wala sa sarili.

"E-Emma!" aniya at mabilis na lumapit sa 'kin na akala mo'y may tinatakbuhang

multo. Napalingon siya kay Adira.

"You know each other?" tanong ni Addie sa akin. Tumango ako. Nginitian niya si
Mirae.

"I'm the supervisor for this shoot. Nice to meet you," propesyonal nitong bati.

Mukhang wala pa rin sa sarili si Mirae kaya siniko ko siya.

"Uh, yeah. Mirae Lim. Nice to meet you, too," saad nito.

Nilingon ako ni Adira. "I guess this will be a little reunion, huh?" aniya at
binuksan ang pinto. Nagtataka nga ako na wala pa si Mirae sa loob dahil ang alam
ko'y pumasok na siya. Bakit siya lumabas?
Pare-parehas kaming natahimik. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pati si Mirae ay natahimik
e hindi naman niya kilala ang mga 'to. Adira clapped twice to get our attention.

"Mamaya na ang reunion, trabaho muna!" pabiro nitong sabi habang ang ibang staffs
ay kumikilos para mag-set-up. Slowly, a smile crept on my lips. Kinawayan ko sina
Finn na mukhang nakakita ng multo.

"Emma! My love!" pabirong saad ni Van at lumapit. Narinig kong tinawag siya nung
nagme-make up sa kaniya ngunit wala siyang pakialam. He immediately pulled me for a
tight hug. Natatawa ko iyong binalik sa kaniya.

"Trabaho muna!" narinig kong sigaw ni Addie. Napasimangot si Van at nagpahila na sa

kaniyang make-up artist. Napalingon ako kay Mirae na mukhang na-estatwa ata sa
kinatatayuan niya.

"What's wrong?" tanong ko. Mirae never spaces out.

"My ex is here. What the hell?" tanong niya na parang hindi makapaniwala.

"Ex? Ikaw?" natatawa kong tanong dahil akala ko'y nagbibiro siya. Mirae Lim never
does boyfriends. Fling-fling lang. Nang hindi siya ngumingiti ay napagtanto kong
seryoso siya.

"Oh. That's why you don't want to listen to their music," saad ko nang maalala na
ayaw niyang makinig sa Hearthushed. Nilingon ko si Finn na inaayusan ng buhok at
matalim ang tingin kay Mirae. Nang madako ang tingin niya sa 'kin ay tipid siyang
ngumiti ngunit binalik ang tingin sa aking kaibigan.

Napangisi ako. "Good luck," mapaglaro kong sabi bago pumunta sa kanila.

Habang inaayusan sila ay nakipagkwentuhan muna ako sa kanila. Maxim's less awkward
now, despite our last encounter. Van has a fiancée, and Finnigan has his own music
shop. May kani-kaniya na silang buhay ngunit pare-parehas hindi mabitiwan ang
banda.

Pasimple kong tinitingnan si Mirae na nakikipag-usap sa mga namamahala ng props at

backdrop. Looks like she just wants to focus on the work instead of chatting so I
just let her. Hindi nakatakas sa paningin ko ang panakanakang pagtingin ni Finn sa
kaniya.

"You dated Mirae?" kaswal kong tanong. Nanlaki ang mata niya at nilingon ako. His
face turned red when he realized I caught him staring at my friend.

"'Wag ako ang i-hotseat, please," saad nito. Napatawa naman ako roon. Mirae never
mentioned him to me. Hindi ko malaman kung kailan pa naging sila.

"May gagawin ba kayo mamaya, Emma?" tanong ni Van.

Umiling ako na nagpangiti sa kaniya. "Let's go to my cousin's restaurant and have

dinner. Okay lang ba? Catch up and...tell things," ani Van habang sumusulyap kay
Finn. "Bring your friend, too. The photographer, I mean."

Finn shot him a glare. Napatawa naman si Van doon. "What, bro? Magkukwentuhan lang
naman tayo. Besides, Emma's here. It's not like we're going to rekindle that
ancient love story of yours—"

"Manahimik ka o sasalaksakin kita ng drumstick mo," masungit na sabi ni Finn. Van

and Maxim chuckled at that. I looked at Finn with amusement. Limang taon na ako New
York at sigurado akong sa mga taong 'yon ay wala na sila ni Mirae. Edi ibig
sabihin, sobrang tagal na nung kanila? Then why are they acting this way?

"Hoy, Maxim, ano'ng tinatawa-tawa mo diyan? Baka gusto mong sabihin ko kay Emma na
may ginawa kang album na tungkol sa kaniya lang?"

This time, Maxim blushed profusely. Napaawang ang labi ko. Hindi na siya makatingin
sa 'kin at napapikit na lang nang mariin. Lalong lumakas ang halakhak ni Van.

"Palibhasa may future fiancée ka na," saad ni Finn na iritable pa rin sa sinabi ni
Van kanina.

Nagkibit-balikat lamang si Van na tuwang-tuwang pagtripan at asarin ang kaniyang

mga bandmates. I stood up to check on my friend who's already sweating kahit na
naka-air conditioner naman ang studio.

"You okay?" tanong ko sa kaniya. Umirap siya.

"Ano'ng ginagawa niyang lintik na 'yan dito? Kung alam ko lang, sana hindi ako
pumayag!" maarteng sabi niya.

She rolled her eyes and looked at me, begging. "Alis na tayo dito, please—"

Mabilis akong umangal. "No way, Mirs. I did the modelling stint, now, you do this
one. I told you, karma's a bitch," saad ko na lalong nagpasimangot sa kaniya.
Inabot ko ang kaniyang clutch bag.

"Bibili lang ako ng tubig sa baba. Chill, okay?" nanunuya kong sabi.

Naabutan ako ni Addie na paalis. "Saan ka pupunta?" tanong niya.

"Bibili lang ng tubig," sagot ko. To be honest, I just want Mirae to suffer.
Siguradong 'pag nandiyan ako ay gagamitin niya lang ako na distraction para hindi
makipag-interact sa banda...kay Finn, actually.

"What? Magpapaakyat na lang ak—"

"No, Addie.It's fine, really," saad ko at nginitian siya. She sighed and just
nodded.

Bago ako umalis ay niyakap niya akong muli. "'Wag ka nang aalis ulit, ha?"
malambing niyang sabi. I chuckled softly and nodded. I kissed her cheeks before
leaving.

Sa third floor pa ang tindahan ng snacks nila sa loob kaya naman doon pa ako
nagtungo. The studio is on the ninth floor. Ngunit hindi naman ako maghahagdan kaya
hindi ako para magreklamo.

Naghihintay ako sa pagbukas ng elevator habang inaayos ang wallet ni Mirae na puro
resibo. Nang magbukas sa tapat ko ang elevator na paakyat ay halos malaglag ko ang
Bvlgari clutch bag.

My breathing hitched when I saw who's inside the elevator...and he's alone.

His sharp eyes immediately found mine. I blinked fast and he's still there. Totoo
siya! Fuck! I'm not hallucinating! Mistulang hindi ko maigalaw ang mga binti ko
para pumasok sa lift. My knees turned weak when he scanned my entirety with his
dark, piercing gaze. He tilted his head and raised his brow at me. A humourless
smirk crept to his mouth, habang ako ay mistulang kawawa sa nanghuhusga niyang mga
mata.

"I-I'm not going," saad ko nang umisod siya sa gilid, as if he's making space for
me. There's no way in hell I'm entering the lift and be alone with him! In such
enclosed small space! Baka atakihin ako sa puso kahit wala naman akong sakit doon!

His jaw clenched. Magsasara na ang elevator at makakahinga na sana ako nang maluwag
ngunit binuksan niya ulit iyon. Tangina! Ano ba?!

"Pumasok ka," mariin niyang sabi.

I inhaled sharply before taking a step to go inside. Sumiksik ako sa gilid. I felt
like I'm nothing but a weak set of limbs when I'm standing next to him. He's not
that muscular but I'm sure he's toned. Kumakapit ang sleeves ng kaniyang nakatuping
longsleeves sa kaniyang tamang-laki ng biceps. Ang tingin ko ay nasa sahig na
lamang sa takot na mahuli niya ang malikot kong mata. Goddamnit, Emma! Stop
checking him out!

Lalong lumakas ang kabog ng aking dibdib nang magsara ang pinto. At sa kamalas-
malasan, walang ibang may kailangan ng elevator kaya kaming dalawa lang dito.
Putangina. Mamatay na ata ako sa kaba. Bakit ba ang bagal ng elevator na 'to?

Then, the thought of our lost child knocked some sense on my head. Do I tell him
now? But this is not what I imagined! Saka, maniniwala ba siya kung dito ko mismo
sasabihin? Mirakulong lumitaw ako sa harapan niya tapos biglaan kong sasabihing may
anak kami? Iniisip ko pa lamang ay naririnig ko na ang pagtawa niya sa sasabihin
ko.

He'll probably think I'm desperate to get him back or something! Maybe I really am,
but, that's not the case here!

Nilingon ko ang digital display ng elevator sa gilid na nagsasabing nasa seventh

floor na kami. Sandali na lang ay lalabas na rin naman ako. I can do this. Maybe, a
casual conversation and ask for a more proper meeting?

"A-Adonis—"

"It's Engineer Revillanes," he said coldly.

He sounded so cocky inside my head! Parang wala kaming pinagsamahan, ah! Meron
naman...but okay! It's not entirely rainbows and roses, I understand!

Tinagilid niya and kaniyang ulo at sinipat muli ako ng tingin. Kahit hindi ko siya
tingnan ay ramdam ko ang paghagod ng kaniyang mata sa aking katawan.

Ano? Naglalaway ka? Babalikan mo na 'ko?

"Why? Do you have something to say, Emma—"

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "Sorry, I work at Ford Models now and I have tons of
guys to talk to. Arrange a meeting with my agent and we'll talk, Engineer
Revillanes," saad ko at lumabas nang makarating sa ninth floor. Akala niya, ha?

☽☾

Chapter 38

☽☾
#whtvrthss #wti36
chapter thirty-six

"YOU DIDN'T TELL me your ex is a hotshot! How could you hide that juicy info from
me?!"

Nag-iinarte na naman si Mirae. Nagdadabog siya habang papunta kami sa elevator.

It's already six p.m. and the shoot just finished. Sa kagustuhan niya ring umalis
doon, hindi niya na kinuha ang bayad ng recording studio sa kaniya.

"And you didn't tell me you have an ex-boyfriend!" saad ko naman habang pasara ang
lift. She rolled her eyes and dramatically sighed. I stared at our blurry and
slightly distorted reflection on the shiny doors of the elevator. Parehas kaming
gulantang sa mga pangyayari ngayong araw.

"We're so not going to dinner with them. Over my dead body, Emma!" Kapwa kami
nagmartsa palabas. I didn't even get to say a proper goodbye to Addie! Ito kasing
si Mirae, akala mo'y mamamatay 'pag nasa isang kwarto kasama si Finn!

Such a hypocrite, Emma! Akala mo naman e hindi na halos madurog ang dibdib mo sa
kaba kanina! Everything was just unexpected! What is an engineer doing here,
anyway? Kumakanta na ba siya? God, I can't imagine!

"I'll make up an excuse," saad ko at kinuha ang phone para mag-text kay Van. Hindi
naman ako titigilan ni Mirae kung hindi ko iyon gagawin. Isa pa, natatakot ako na
baka kasama si Adonis doon mamaya. Knowing Van, ang lakas pa naman ng tama niya.
How awkward will that be? Ako, si Maxim, si Adonis? Then, Mirae and Finn? Baka si
Van na lang ang magsalita sa amin at lahat kami'y tila bato na sa sobrang ilang.

"I need a drink!" pagliligalig niya.

"Mamaya. Sa bahay tayo mag-didinner. It's a family rule," sabi ko at tumango naman
siya dahil alam na niya iyon. Kahit sa New York kasi ay ganoon kami ni Dad.

Mabuti na lang at wala si Diesel sa bahay. Dad told me he wanted to buy a new house
or something kaya naman madalas si Diesel dito noong mga nakaraang araw. Hindi niya
napansin ang pagiging tahimik ni Mirae. Sa totoo lang, siya lang ang maingay sa
hapag dahil parehas ata kaming lutang ng kaibigan ko.

I tried to get Mirae drunk so she would talk about her past with Finn ngunit wala
naman akong napala. Her alcohol tolerance is tougher than the Great Wall! Ako pa
ata ang malalasing sa ginagawa ko sa kaniya.

THE NEXT MORNING, the agent contacted Mirae about my contract. Wala na talagang
atrasan iyon kaya napilitan akong maghanda para pumunta sa office nila. Mirae's
mother had connections with top-tier modelling agencies, at dahil nga spoiled si
Mirae at nakapasok naman talaga ako, doon ang aking bagsak. And now that I have
Marcelia Lim as a backer, I can't let them down. Kahit gusto kong petiks lang ako,
alam kong hindi na pwede. Mirae will kill me if I stain their name.

"Hi! Good morning!" bati ng isang staff sa 'min. Matapos makipagbeso ay saka niya
kami sinamahan sa hall kung saan magaganap ang pirmahan. I wonder if it's always
like this, if they treat all their models like this. O baka ako lang dahil kay
Mirae at sa history ko sa Ford.

Unlike the other models, hindi nila ako pipilitin sa kahit anong project at papayag
lamang kung ano'ng gusto ko. Well, the payment also works that way, per project
imbes na isang bagsakan. Turns out all the models under them are some of the
highest paid in the country. They also send some away for international modelling,
especially for clothing lines.

I saw my agent, France, talking to Mirae when I went out of the conference hall.
Mukha naman siyang mabait kaya wala akong problema doon.

"Emma, you know Mary Hermosura?" tanong nito habang naglalakad kami.

"No.... Who's that?"

Mirae chuckled. "Fran, walang alam 'yang si Emma sa designers. I told you, this is
not really her thing,"sabat ni Mirae.

France sighed. "She's a designer and she wants someone to be a new face for her
brand. Specifically, you," maarteng sabi ni France. Tumigil kami sa may lobby dahil
may mga nakasalubong si Mirae na kakilala.

"Ano bang...imo-model ko?" tanong ko. I really am ignorant in this field. Tumabi
kami sa gilid nang may mga pumasok. My eyes raked on their long, even toned legs.
Iyong isa ay namukhaan ko pang nakita ko ata sa TV. Wow. Akalain mo nga namang
halos kalebel ko na sila e wala naman akong alam ditto.

"This particular project is for gowns. It'll be just photos and not showcase
runways. This will be a good start for you since Mary is really particular with her
models. Magandang simula. You don't even have to advertise yourself because Mary
will do it for you," pangungumbinsi niya.

Nag-isip-isip ako. I really don't have any work as of the moment since wala naman
akong pinapasukan dito sa Pinas. In New York, I work with Mirae. I haven't checked
my mails, yet. Hindi ko sigurado kung may potential client ba na nag-contact sa
'kin.

Ngunit, may sumaging plano sa aking isip. I am a model now, right. I introduced
myself to him as a model. Kailangan kong panindigan iyon o kaya naman ay mapapahiya
ako.

"Yeah, sure. Call me or Mirae," saad ko nang pabalik na ang aking kaibigan.

"So? Ano? Tinanggap mo?" tanong ni Mirae. Her voice sounded too cheery. Nilingon
niya si France na tumango. Parehas silang tuwang-tuwa sa desisyon ko samantalang
ako, gagawin ko lang 'to para sa pera at...para ipamukha sa kaniya.

"There will be a party later at the Empire. All models are invited, and since
you're a model now..." ani France. He wiggled his full brows at me. Tumango ako
dahil para sa publicity rin iyon.

I sounded like an evil genius inside my head. Since when was I into schemes? Sana
lang ay hindi mag-backfire sa 'kin lahat ng ito.

"Mary will be there. She'll be pleased to meet you!" malakas na sabi ni France.
Nanlaki ang aking mata at napangiti. Great! Muhang aayon pa ata sa lahat ng gusto
ko ang mangyayari.

Mirae and I had to leave because I have to talk to her and discuss my plans. Hindi
ko pinansin ang pagtingin ng ilang models na nasa lobby sa amin. Mirae said they're
just insecure. Mabuti nga at walang umiimik nang masama sa kanila dahil sigurado
akong otomatikong matatanggalan ito ng trabaho. No one would dare get into Mirae
Lim's nerves. Kung nakayanan akong ipasok dito ng Mom niya, siguradong mabilis pa
sa alas cuatro ay kaya rin nitong magpatalsik ng kung sino.
"ENGINEER ADONIS YEOHANL. Revillanes, 27 turning 28, graduated with flying
colours..." pagbabasa ni Mirae sa kaniyang laptop.

Napairap ako habang nagbibihis. "That's not what I need, Mirae! I need the number
at his office or something!" reklamo ko. Mirae rolled on my bed and lifted my
laptop in the air. Gusto ko siyang sawayin ngunit kaya niya namang palitan iyon
kung sakali mang masira niya.

"Would you look at that? He's not married."

Kahit na hindi ko pa naiaayos ng sandong sinusuot ay mabilis akong napapunta sa

tabi ni Mirae. Natatawa siyang ibinigay sa 'kin ang laptop ko at umupo. I sat
properly too and scrolled on the article she's reading. It's about the anniversary
of the Revillanes' Group of Companies. Unti-unting napintahan ang labi ko ng
simangot nang makitang may dinala siyang babae doon sa event.

What? He's a playboy now because he can get any girl he wants?

I clicked on the hyperlink leading to the information about the girl he's with.
Tumaas ang kilay ko nang makitang licensed chemist iyon. I scoffed. Pinakita ko kay
Mirae ang laptop screen. Ano'ng laban ko sa chemist, 'di ba? It's not like I'm
degrading all the models and artists out there, pero nakakapanliit lang talaga na
ganoon na ang tipo ni Adonis ngayon. Pakiramdam ko'y wala akong laban.

"She's not even pretty," saad ni Mirae habang walang ekspresyon ang mukhang
nakatingin sa aking screen. I looked at her with an annoyed expression. Syempre,
sasabihin niya iyon dahil ako ang kaibigan niya! Nilingon niya ako at tinaasan ng
kilay.

"Seriously, she's not pretty. Threatened ka na riyan?" she deadpanned. I groaned

and snatched my laptop away form her.

Lalo lamang akong napasimangot nang lumipat ako sa iba pang artikulo. He even had
dating rumours, not a single one of them confirmed! Sa samu't saring dates na
dinadala niya sa iba't ibang events, wala ni isa ang na-confirm na girlfriend niya
o ano. Talaga bang pahihirapan niya akong maghanap ng info tungkol sa bago niya?

"Ooh, that one's pretty!" saad ni Mirae at itinuro ang katabi ni Adonis. I rolled
my eyes on her. Of course, she's pretty! Insecure na insecure nga ako sa mukha
niyan dati! Baka hanggang ngayon!

"That's his cousin, Mirae," saad ko at sinarado ang tab ng picture nila ni Selene.
Napahalakhak si Mirae doon.

"So far, I don't see a worthy opponent of yours," she lazily trailed and got my
laptop away from me. Ilang clicks at scroll ay kinuha niya ang telepono at may
tinawagan roon bago ibinigay sa akin.

"Who's this?" tanong ko.

"Business contact. Set an appointment today if you want to tell him about your son.
Focus on what your priority is, Emma, before you make landi," maarte nitong sabi at
inilagay ang laptop sa bedside table. Dumapa siya at nakatingin sa akin habang
naghihintay na may sumagot sa linya.

"Good afternoon! Speaking in behalf of Engineer Revillanes, how may I help you?"
matamis na tinig ng babae sa kabilang linya. Even his secretary is a girl! Bakit
hindi siya kumuha ng lalaking assistant man lang? Tuwang-tuwa rin siguro siya sa
atensyong nakukuha niya, ha?

"Good afternoon. I...uh..."

Pinanlakihan ako ng mata ni Mirae. The confidence I had when I talked to him in the
elevator completely vanished! Sekretarya lang niya ang kausap ko pero na-iimagine
ko na siyang nasa gilid nito at inaabangan ang sasabihin ko! God, the effect of
that guy on me—nakakainis.

"I'd like to set a meeting with Engineer," mabagal kong sabi.

"His schedule for today until the end of the week is full, Ma'am. May I have your
name so I can contact you if he's free?"

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! Nagpapanic na ako at sinesenyasan si Mirae ngunit hindi niya
naman ma-gets. Hindi ko alam kung papayag ba si Adonis kung magpapakilala man ako.
Maybe,he'll turn it down so he can humiliate me!

"Ma'am? Hello?" tinig iyon ng secretary niya dahil hindi ako makaimik.

"Sorry. I'm Valentin Gorotizca's...secretary. Tell him that Sir Valentin would like
to have a word with him." Napapikit ako sa sariling pagsisinungaling. Napangisi si
Mirae doon at mayamaya ay natawa nang walang tunog. I reached for a pillow and
slammed it on her face. Naririnig ko ang kaniyang impit na pagtawa na pilit niyang
pinipigilan.

"From Gorotizca Industries?"

"Yes," mabilis kong sagot.

"Sir Valentin is on his priority list. What time would you like to meet Engineer?
He'll move his schedule for today if it's for Sir Valentin."

Tumaas ang kilay ko roon. How come my father is on his VIP list? At gagalawin niya
ang schedule niya kapag si Dad ang makikipag-usap sa kaniya? I know our families
have a connection in the business field, but not particularly on Adonis.

But, oh well, it's on my favour so I should just make use of it.

"Will five p.m. be good?" tanong ko.

"Yes, Ma'am. Engineer will clear his schedule for this afternoon. Anything else?"

Umiling ako kahit na hindi niya nakikita. "Nothing. Thank you," saad ko at binaba
ang telepono. Napahiga ako sa kama at napabuntong hininga. Lumundo ang kutson nang
gumapang si Mirae palapit sa akin.

"Kailan ka pa naging assistant ng tatay mo?" tanong niya. I groaned and tossed her
phone back to her.

"Cheer up, girlie. At least now you can tell him about your child. Mababawasan na
ang pasanin mo," aniya. Itinuon ko ang aking siko sa kutson. I let my temple rest
on my palm as I thought about it. I have now arranged a meeting with him. Pero,
maniniwala ba siya kung sasabihin ko iyon nang basta-basta?

"What if...he doesn't believe me?" tanong ko. Nanlulumo na ako iniisip pa lang. If
I let my pride do the talking, I would just move on with it. Ngunit, involved na
ang anak ko rito kaya hindi ko magawa. He may not be living, but I consider him
alive, and he deserves to know his father. Adonis deserves to know, too, but if he
doesn't want to acknowledge the kid, edi 'wag. Basta nasabi ko sa kaniya at alam ng
anak ko, kung nasaan man siya ngayon, kung sino ang tatay niya. Maybe he'll do me a
favour and scare the shit out of his father, too.

"Well, we have party to attend later, anyway. Get wasted," aniya at ngumisi.

MIRAE AND HER wicked ways commenced. Nakailang revise na kami ng plano-kuno niya
bago pa ako nakaligo. Pagkatapos kong maligo ay nanlaki ang mata ko sa mga damit na
nakalagay sa kama. Kumunot ang noo ko at nilingon si Mirae na nag-aalwas pa ng
ibang damit e ang dami na nga ng nakalatag sa kama ko!

Inayos ko ang pagkakatali ng aking roba. I marched towards my bed and picked up one
of the red dresses she put there. Ang iksi nito! Isa pa, loose ang neckline at
spaghetti strap pa!

"I'm not wearing this!" reklamo ko at ibinato iyon kung saan. Napalingon sa akin si
Mriae.

"Hindi naman kasi 'yun ang isusuot mo, namimili pa kasi ako!" aniya at inayos ang
pagkakalatag ng mga damit na parang pinagkukumpara ang mga iyon. She reached for
the skin tone off shoulder fitted mini dress. Pinilit niyang hawakan ko iyong
hanger n'on habang pumipili siya ng sapatos.

"That looks formal enough. You won't be showing that much skin," komento niya
Napairap ako. Of course, I will not be showing that much skin but the colour of the
dress is just a tad shade darker than my skin tone! At fitted pa talaga ha? Edi
nagmukhang balat ko na ito?

Dahil alam kong hindi ako mananalo sa kaniya ay nagbihis na lang ako n'on. The
stretchable fabric hugged my body like second skin, and it did look like my skin!
Kapag siguro malabo ang mata at mabilis na mapapatingin sa 'kin, baka akalaing
hubad ako.

I stood up in front of Mirae. She clapped twice before asking me to turn around.
Hindi mabura ang kaniyang ngisi sa labi habang nakatingin sa akin.

"Why are you putting blush on my neck?" taka kong tanong. She just smiled wickedly
at me at masama ang kutob ko roon. After drying my hair, she pulled it up for a
slightly messy bun. Pakiramdam ko'y hindi secured iyon dahil sa luwag ng
pagkakatali.

"Drunk blush so you can get that fake after sex glow," mahina niyag sabi. Natampal
ko ang kaniyang kamay at taka siyang tumingin sa akin.

"You want Adonis to think that I just had sex before I go to his office?" tanong
ko.

She chuckled. "No, silly! Basta!" aniya at pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa.

I wore some cream pumps and Mirae lended me her flesh-toned clutch. Nagpaiwan siya
dahil mag-aayos pa raw siya para mamaya. I told Kuya Edu that if ever I won't be
able to go home and fetch Mirae, ihatid na lang niya ito sa Empire.

Malakas ang kabog ng aking dibdib nang makarating sa tapat ng kanilang building. I
inhaled sharply before making my way inside. Hindi ko ininda ang ilang tumitingin
sa akin. They can only stare, anyway.

"Good afternoon. I have an appointment with Engineer Revillanes," saad ko sa

babaeng nasa baba at ngumiti. May inaayos siyang mga papel ngunit napatigil sa
ginagawa. Hindi nakatakas sa aking paningin ang paghagod ng kaniyang mata sa akin.
Tumaas ang kilay ko roon.

"Your name, Ma'am?" tanong nito. Points for her because she's trying to treat me
professionally despite her judging stares.

"I'm Valentin Gorotizca's daughter. Father sent me here instead," saad ko at kinuha
ang aking ID sa wallet at pinakita sa kaniya. Mukha namang natauhan siya roon. She
forced a smile at me before getting out of her post and leading the way.

Tahimik lamang kami sa elevator. Adonis' office is on the top floor. Napaisip tuloy
ako, pa'no kung biglang magloko 'yung elevator? Edi maghahagdan ako pababa?

"This way, Ma'am,"saad ng babae at iginiya ako sa pinakadulong kwarto na may

malapad na kahoy na double doors. I gave her a smile.

"Thanks. You can go now," saad ko. She bowed slightly before walking away. Nang
mawala na siya sa aking paningin ay saka lamang ako nagtungo sa pintuan. I inhaled,
gathering all the confidence I have in my bones, before I pushed the doors open.

Adonis was fixing some files. Kunot ang kaniyang noo at napalitan ng sandaling
gulat ang ekspresyon nang lingunin ako. He immediately shifted back to his blank,
emotionless face. Padarag niyang ibinagsak ang papeles na hawak kanina. He slumped
back on his swivel chair. His jaw clenched and looked away.

"Where is your father? Siya ang kausap ko," aniya. My pumps created crisp sounds as
I walked towards him. Tumigil ako sa tapat ng kaniyang malapad na lamesa.
Napalingon siya sa akin at ngayon ay napalitan naman ng iritasyon ang mukha.
Bahagya akong nagulat nang inirapan niya ako.

Ano na namang iniinarte nito? Wala pa nga akong ginagawa, nagsusungit na agad!

"I have to talk to you," simple kong sabi at pinaalalahanan ang sarili sa dahilan
kung bakit ako nandito sa kaniyang harapan. He clicked his neck and stood up.
Napatingala tuloy ako nang bahagya para magtagpo ang aming tingin.

"What happened to the tons of guys in line?" nanunuya niyang tanong. His serious
eyes bore into my neck as he lowered his gaze. Umiling siya sa sarili at umiwas
muli ng tingin.

"I'm serious," saad ko. Nakita kong muli ang pag-irap niya. He put both his hands
on the pockets of his dark slacks and gave me an annoyed look.

"I'm serious, too. Just so you know, I'm not lining up with the guys who want to
talk to you. Whatever you have to say, I'm not interested. You can leave," malamig
niyang sabi at umupo muli sa kaniyang swivel chair.

Napabuntong-hininga ako. I clenched my fists hard. I swallowed the bile creeping on

my throat. I held back my pride begging to lash out on him. I chewed on my lower
lip as I ignored the humiliation.

"Come with me. I have to show you something," mahina kong sabi, tuluyang
naapektuhan sa kaniyang marahas at malamig na pananalita. Alam ko namang hindi niya
alam na tungkol sa anak ko ang sasabihin ko sa kaniya ngayon, but still, that
doesn't change the fact that his words hurt. Wala siyang pakialam sa anak ko?
Pinilit kong sabihin sa sarili na wala siyang ideya kaya niya lang nasabi iyon.

He scoffed and let out a humourless chuckle. "I'm a busy man. Aren't you busy, too?
Hindi ka ba hahanapin ng manager mo?" nanunuya niyang tanong.
Hindi ako sanay na ganiyan siya sa 'kin. Back then, his words were always kind and
sweet when it comes to me. Kahit na nagtatalo kami paminsan-minsan, hindi siya
ganiyan ka-walang puso kung magsalita. It only took me breaking his heart and half
a decade to turn him into the opposite to the kind of man he was before.

"I never wanted to see you again. It's important. Kung hindi naman importante,
hindi ako pupunta dito," hindi ko na napigilang sabihin. Natigilan siya sa kaniyang
ginagawa at inangat ang kaniyang masamang tingin. His eyes quickly scanned my
entirety and he rolled his eyes again.

"I'm busy—"

"Kahit saglit lang!" I shouted. Hearing his words earlier, I know he won't believe
me if I tell him about my lost baby. The best thing to do is take him to the
cemetery and show him my child's tombstone. I can request for some medical records
after. Ipapakita ko lang sa kaniya at tapos na. If he doesn't want me anymore...edi
dadaanin ko siya sa santong paspasan.

Lalong dumilim ang kaniyang tingin sa aking pagsigaw. The corner of his lips slowly
rose to a wicked smirk.

"Make me," aniya at bumalik sa ginagawa na tila ba wala ako sa harapan niya.
Naramdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng pisngi sa kaniyang sinabi. Napairap ako at bumuntong
hininga. Kaya ko 'to.

He fell in love with me once. I can make him fall for me again.

Plan B. I bit my lower lip.

"Liligawan kita."

Kitang-kita ko kung paano bahagyang nanlaki ang kaniyang mga mata sa salitang
binitiwan ko. I've come this far and there's no way I'll quit now. Gigilitan ako ni
Mirae kapag hindi umayon sa plano namin ang mga pangyayari.

"W-What?" wala sa sarili niyang tanong. Pinigilan ko ang mapangisi doon. He's still
the same in some ways. I'm the only woman who can make him shy and embarrassed like
this.

"Liligawan nga kita,"pag-uulit ko. Itinanim ko sa aking isip ang buong plano ko.

Napaawang ang kaniyang labi. He blinked multiple times and shook his head to
himself. Kumunot ang noo ko nang may nilalabi siya sa sarili na hindi ko naman
naririnig.

Nasapo niya ang kaniyang noo. Hinilot niya ang kaniyang sentido. "Why exactly are
you doing this?"

Huminga ako nang malalim. "You're single and I want you back, why else?" diretso
kong sabi, gamit ang hiniram na lakas ng loob galing kay Mirae.

"How sure are you that I'm singl—"

"Because you're obviously not over me, yet, too," pagputol ko sa kaniyang sinasabi.
I can't believe Mirae's right all this time. Pakiramdam ko'y nakikita niya tuloy
ang hinaharap dahil naisip na niyang sasabihin iyon ni Adonis sa akin.

"How sure are you? I have moved on from you, just so you know. You think I'm still
that college boy smitten over you? Ilang taon na ang lumipas. You, too, should move
on—"

"Ayaw kong mag-move on. Hindi uso sa 'kin 'yon. Ikaw ang gusto ko." Again, Mirae
already saw this coming. At alam ko na rin ang mga sasabihin kung sakali mang
dugtungan niya pa.

Muli ay natigilan siya. Tinagilid ko ang aking ulo. My extremely loose bun fell
off. Ang hair tie ko ay nalaglag sa carpeted na sahig. Bahagya akong umatras at
yumuko para kuhanin iyon. I heard him cuss. Sa isang iglap ay nasa tabi ko na siya
at higit-higit niya ang braso ko papunta sa pinto.

"What?" tanong ko. Hinawi ko ang aking buhok gaya ng tinuro sa 'kin ng kaibigan.
His jaw violently ticked. Ang hawak niya sa aking braso ay mabilis na lumipat sa
aking bewang at inilapit ako sa kaniya.

"What about the tons of guys waiting in line for you, then? Gusto ko kapag
nililigawan ako, ako lang," mariin niyang sabi. Napatawa ako sa aking isip. He's
falling for this plan, isn't he?

"Bakit? Pumapayag ka na bang ligawan kita?" nanunuya kong tanong. Napapikit siya
nang mariin at tumingala saglit.

He gulped. "Well, if you insist—"

Napairap ako. "No. If you don't want it, edi 'wag. Hindi kita pinipilit—"

"If you'll get rid of the other guys, then, yes. Pumapayag ako," may diin niyang
sabi, 'di na ako pinatapos. Hindi nakatakas sa aking paningin ang namumula niyang
mga tainga.

Napangisi ako nang tuluyan doon. I tapped on his nose and backed away. "As you
wish."

NGITING-NGITI AKO HANGGANGsa makauwi sa bahay. Mirae was already dressed when I got
there. Habang nagpapalit na ako ng damit ay kinukwento ko sa kaniya iyong mga
nangyari kanina.

"But when will you tell him about your son, then? Kapag sinagot ka na?" tanong niya
habang nagre-reapply ng lipstick. Inayos ko ang suot na tube top at dinampot ang
aking coat.

"Oo.I need to melt his wall of anger first," sagot ko. Nagkatinginan kami ni Mirae
sa aking salamin. She wiggled her brows at me. Inirapan ko lamang siya dahil alam
ko na iyong iniisip niya.

"Best way to release anger is through se—"

"Shut up, Mirs!" putol ko sa kaniyang sasabihin. Kahit hindi pa iyon tapos ay
nararamdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng aking pisngi doon. Mirae's an addition to my
vulgar friends collection.

NANG MAKARATING SA Empire ay puno ng mga socialites at mga modelo ang hotel bar.
There are also paparazzis everywhere. Nang makita si France ay sa kaniya kami
nagtungo. He lead us to the VIP area and Mirae vanished in an instant.

France introduced me to the people he knows, who can potentially give me a project
to work on. Mary Hermosura is a woman on her 40s. Ang kaniyang fur coat ay agaw-
pansin. Napansin ko rin ang pagbubulungan ng iba nang ipakilala ako ni France dito.
"You're my new model? Hindi ako nagkamali sa pagpili! You look very beautiful, Miss
Gorotizca! No wonder Miss Lim chose you to be her muse," saad niya pagkatapos
naming magbeso. I only gave her a shy smile and some thanks for her endless
compliments.

"Naku, Madame! Bagay 'di ba? Wedding collection iyong release niyo for this season,
right?" tanong ni France. She nodded.

"I think I have to look for a new male model, though, iyong babagay sa kaniya. Who
do you think, France?" tanong nito.

"I have to check on the new recruits, Madame. Baka may babagay," sagot nito. Nabali
nag pag-uusap namin nang may tumawag kay Mary.

May isa pang agent na lumapit sa 'min. Kaibigan ata siya ni France. Humigpit ang
kapit ko sa kopita nang marinig ang bulungan ng ilang tao at ang sinabi nitong
kaibigan ni France.

"A Revillanes scion is on his way here," iyon lamang ang naging malinaw sa aking
pandinig.

I got away from France's company and made my way towards the powder room. Saglit
akong nag-ayos dahil bigla akong kinabahan sa narinig. Well, they can be talking
about Ajax, too, o iba pang pinsan ni Adonis, pero mas mabuti na iyong handa ako. I
removed my coat, revealing my bare arms and shoulders, before going out.

Palinga-linga ako sa paligid habang papunta kay France. This time, isang lalaki
naman ang kausap niya. I immediately smiled and shook hands with him. This
modelling career is progressing. Kung sakali mang magustuhan ko man ito, baka
ipagpatuloy ko na.

"He's from FHM, looking for new models to be included in the magazine,"bulong sa
'kin ni France. Nanlaki ang aking mata roon. FHM?! Mature shots? I don't think I'm
ready for that!

"No need to be nervous. Nasabi ko lang naman. Isa pa, you won't do individual
shoots and you won't be in the cover, too. Just a page showcasing new models,"
paliwanag ng nasa harap.

Tumango na lamang ako. "I'll think about it," sagot ko na lang.

Pinaliwanag sa 'kin ni France ang perks ng pagtanggap non. Bukod sa pera, of

course.

"Mary's gowns will show your innocence and wholesome shots. Kung next month ay FHM
naman, medyo mature na 'yun syempre. Kung sakali mang success ang dalawang 'yon,
then, you'll be discovered as a versatile model. In this industry, you have to
start strong to get the big guns," paliwanag ni France habang dala-dala ang aking
coat.

"Baka hindi ko pa kaya," saad ko.

"Girl, hindi naman nude iyong kuha sa'yo roon, sigurado. Probably provocative, pero
sigurado akong bihis ka roon. I-consider mo lang naman. If you're not comfortable,
then we'll reject it. I'm sure you'll get other offers, anyway. You rejected Ford,
remember? Ang sinasabi ko lang, mas mapapabilis ang pagsikat mo kung susunggab ka
agad."
We stopped at the counter as we talked more about it. Nakatitig lamang ako sa aking
iniinom habang siya'y nakikipag-usap sa ilang lumalapit sa kaniya. Ang iniisip ko
lang naman e kung papayag ba si Dad sa FHM. I'm 25, I know. But still, I value
Dad's permission in everything that I will do.

"Engineer! What a surprise! Ano'ng sinadya mo rito? You have a girlfriend here?"
nang-uusisang tinig iyon ng isang babae.

Nagpantig ang tainga ko sa narinig, sapat na para mapabalik ako sa ulirat. I turned
to the direction of a middle aged woman who said that.

Nagtagpo ang mata namin ni Adonis na ilang metro lamang ang layo. Bumaba ang tingin
niya sa aking balikat bago ako tinaasan ng kilay at pumaling sa kaniyang kausap.
Napabuntong-hininga ako. Ano na naman bang pinagsusuplado nito?

Nagpaalam muna ako kay France; hindi ako sigurado kung narinig niya ako dahil may
kausap siyang lalaking modelo. Walang pag-aalinlangan akong nagtungo sa direksyon
ni Adonis. Napalingon rin tuloy sa 'kin iyong kausap niya. I smiled politely at the
woman. Kumunot naman ang noo ko ngunit nginitian rin 'yung lalaki dahil nagkita na
kami kanina. Siya iyong nagsabi ng offer tungkol sa FHM.

"You know each other?" malamig na sabi ni Adonis.

Napalingon ang lalaki sa kaniya. "Well, sort of. I gave her an offer." Pumaling
siya sa babaeng kasama, "Madame, siya iyong sinasabi ko sa inyo."

Turns out, the guy is not just working for FHM. Sa buong publishing media company
pala na hawak nitong babae.

"Offer? What offer?" mabilis na dugtong ni Adonis sa nauna niyang tanong. The woman
just chuckled and tapped the guy's shoulders.

"I'm not handling that magazine. It's best if you two talk about it," saad nito
bago umalis.

"U-Uh..." Narinig ko ang kaba sa lalaki dahil sa pagiging matalim ng tono ni

Adonis. He nervously chuckled. "FHM is looking for aspiring models to feature.
She's new so..." aniya.

Adonis scoffed. Ang galit na mga mata nito ay lumipat sa 'kin. Nilingon niya ang
lalaki at nagtangis ang kaniyang panga. Mabilis na pumulupot ang kaniyang braso sa
aking bewang.

"Thanks for answering. Excuse us," masungit nitong sabi at naglakad palayo roon,
dala-dala ako na akala mo'y manika lang.

"Baka madapa ako!" sita ko sa kaniya. Tumigil kami sa isang couch na walang
umookupa. He sat while I just looked at him. Umirap siya at tinapik ang espasyo sa
kaniyang tabi nang hindi ako umuupo.

"Sit," utos niya. Inirapan ko siya pabalik ngunit sumunod sa kaniyang sinabi.

"I need your schedule," saad niya. Kumunot ang noo ko.

"What? What for?" tanong ko. Sabi nga ni Mirae, kahit na ako pa ang manliligaw,
dapat ay hindi pa rin mawala ang character ko. Sooner or later, the tables might
turn again.

"Nililigawan mo ako 'di ba? Give me yours and I'll give you mine."
I bit my lower lip and just nodded. "Wala akong trabahong fixed ang schedule. Hindi
ko pa alam ang schedule ng shoot para sa Hermosura Gowns."

It was his turn to sigh. "Okay, then. What about that FHM? You're gonna accept
that?"

Nilingon ko siya. Madilim ang kaniyang pagtingin sa akin. His thick dramatic lashes
intensified his brooding stares. Seryoso at malalim siya sa kaniyang paninitig.

"Why? You have a problem with that?" panghahamon ko. Moved on, huh?

Akala ko ba nakamove on ka na? Bakit parang hindi naman?

"Not at all. Do it if you want. You think I can't pay them to stop the production
of that issue?"

"Why would you spend your money on that? Just buy a copy for yourself, Adonis,"
saad ko at natawa. His eyebrow twitched.

"I don't like sharing. Akala ko ba, nililigawan mo 'ko?" parang bata niyang sabi.
Napangisi ako roon.

"Oo nga. E hindi pa naman tayo, a? Saka, trabaho lang naman 'yon." I feigned
innocence. Lalo siyang napasimangot.

"Let's go," aniya at hinila ako patayo. Hindi ko alam kung saan kami pupunta ngunit
dinala niya ako sa basement. We stopped in front of a car. Ngayon ko lang 'to
nakita. Bago siguro.

"Ano'ng ginagawa natin dito?" tanong ko at nilibot ang tingin sa paligid. Narinig
kong tumunog ang alarm ng kaniyang sasakyan.

"Ihahatid mo 'ko pauwi. Nililigawan mo 'ko, 'di ba?"

Pang-ilang tanong na ba niya 'yan? Kailangan paulit-ulit? Nakakarindi na siya, para

siyang sirang plaka.

"Okay," saad ko at sumakay sa shotgun seat. Hindi ko ma-gets ang gusto niyang
mangyari dahil sasakyan niya ito. Ano 'yon, pagdating namin sa bahay nila, uuwi ako
mag-isa? But it's late! And Mirae can't go home by herself.

Tinext ko agad si Kuya Edu na sunduin si Mirae sa Empire. Kaya kong mag-commute
pauwi, pero si Mirae, hindi.

"Who are you texting? Akala ko ba ako lang nililigawan mo? May iba pa? Textmate
mo?"

Napatigil ako sa pagtipa sa phone at nilingon siya. Diretso lamang ang tingin niya
sa daan at suplado ang mga mata. I was amused with how he's speaking and acting
right now. Noon kasi, kahit na may pinagseselosan siya, hindi siya umiimik. Ngayon
ay parang lalong na-highlight kung gaano pala talaga siya kaseloso.

"Hindi. Stop acting like a jealous boyfriend kasi hindi mo pa naman ako sinasagot."

He scoffed. "E sabi mo kasi ako lang nililigawan mo. Malay ko ba kung totoo 'yun—"

"Ikaw nga lang! Ang kulit nito!" frustrated kong sabi.

"Tss. Sinisigurado ko lang naman," masungit niyang sabi.

"Ano? Ba-basted-in mo na 'ko?"

Mabilis ang kaniyang sagot. "Why would I do that?" he growled. Napapikit siya nang
mariin.

"Edi sasagutin mo nga 'ko?" I probed.

His neck and ears turned red. His jaw clenched momentarily before he sighed. He
looked like a child throwing tantrums. And I am enjoying how I affect him like
this.

☽☾

Chapter 39

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti37
chapter thirty-seven

"KUMAIN KA NA ba?"

I tore my gaze away from my phone and stopped on reading Mirae's seemingly endless
messages. Napalingon ako kay Adonis na diretso ang tingin sa daan. His lips
slightly twitching, silk brows knitted together, and eyes drifting to my direction
from time-to-time. I tugged my lower lip behind my upper teeth to fight my smirk
and amusement. Itong isang 'to, pabebe pa. Pinipilit na magsuplado e hindi naman
niya kaya.

"Hindi ba dapat ako ang nagtatanong niyan?" tanong ko pabalik. He grunted. We got
stuck in traffic, and so he rested his lips on his closed knuckles as we waited.
Hindi ko alam kung kanino ba siya frustrated, sa pang-aasar ko sa kaniya o sa
sarili niya mismo.

"Ikaw...kumain ka na?"

He momentarily closed his eyes shut and inhaled sharply. He shifted on his seat and
gripped on the steering wheel so tight his knuckles almost turned white.

Tumango siya. Napasimangot ako roon. I thought I can get him to have dinner with
me, gayong nakapagpaalam na naman ako kay Dad na baka hindi ako sa bahay
makakakain.

"'Kay," tipid kong sabi. Disappointment dripped on my words. Sinandal ko ang sarili
sa pinto ng kaniyang sasakyan at ipinukol na lang ang tingin sa labas. I guess I'll
just eat at home, then...or maybe not at all. Bukas na lang siguro kapag tinamad na
ako.

I sat upright when he took a turn. Tumaas ang kilay ko nang tumigil kami sa tapat
ng isang 24/7 diner. I ran my tongue on my teeth as I fought a smile. Alam ko
namang hindi niya ako matitiis.

"Ano'ng ginagawa natin dito?" mahina kong tanong, pinipilit na patatagin ang boses
at itago ang tuwa. He hissed. I heard his seatbelt clicking. Hindi ako gumagalaw sa
aking pwesto at nagkukunwari pa ring walang ideya. Nilingon ko siya na nakakunot
lamang ang noo niya sa akin at masama ang tingin.

"Bakit? Ano sa tingin mo? Maglalaba?" pamimilosopo niya.

"Pwede naman," saad ko at inirapan siya.

"We're going to eat—"

"Akala ko ba kumain ka na?"

Nahampas niya ang steering wheel. "E hindi ka pa nakain—"

"What's it to you?" saad ko at tinaasan siya ng kilay. Nagtangis ang kaniyang panga
at nagpakawala siya ng marahas na hininga.

The thought of us bickering inside the university cafeteria flashed on my mind, the
day he saved me from receiving community service.

"Don't make this hard for me—"

"What's hard?" panunuya ko.

He gritted his teeth and swallowed the lump on his throat. Saglit na bumaba ang
tingin ko sa Adam's apple niyang gumalaw. Bumagsak ang balikat niya sa sobrang
frustration.

"Let's just go, please?" pagsuko niya. I bobbed my head to the side and smiled
wickedly at him.

Sinubukan kong tanggalin ang seatbelt ngunit ayaw nitong matanggal. Kumunot ang noo
ko roon at umayos ng upo. Halos higitin ko na ngunit ayaw talaga maalis.

"Oh, come on...." I heard his frustration. He probably thinks I'm faking this
because I'm thirsty for his attention.

I abruptly shot him a look. "Ayaw maalis, seryoso. 'Wag mo 'kong itulad sa'yo na
pabebe," sabi ko at cinlick iyong seatbelt ngunit ayaw talaga.

Pumalatak siya. I held my breath when he hovered over my body. Ang isang braso ay
nakatukod sa likuran ng aking upuan habang ang isa ay kinakalikot ang seatbelt.
Hindi na natanggal ang pagkakatagpo ng kaniyang kilay at ang seryosong ekspresyon
sa mukha. Pasimple akong suminghot at napagtantong hindi pa rin nagbabago ang
pabango niya.

"What the fuck is wrong with this?" I heard him whisper to himself. Lalo akong
sumiksik sa gilid nang idiin niya ang sarili. Humalukipkip ako at sandali niya
akong tinapunan ng tingin. I raised a brow at him when I caught him staring.
Sumimangot siya at umatras nang bahagya. He swiftly got rid of his coat and threw
it over my body before trying to unlock the seatbelt again.

"Finally," he breathed. Itinuon niya ang kaniyang palad sa may pinto ng kaniyang
sasakyan.

His eyes drifted to mine. I arched my back as I slipped on his coat. I tucked my
hair behind my ears as I fixed myself and the hair stuck on the collar of his coat.
I saw how he stiffened when I pushed myself towards him and aimed for his neck, my
nose brushing against his already feverish skin.

"Ang bango naman ni Engineer," panunukso ko.

Pasimple kong hinagip ang handle ng sasakyan at binuksan iyon nang pabigla. Ang
nakatuon niyang kamay doon ay mabilis na nalaglag sa aking hita. Bingo.

"Shit!" aniya at mabilis na tinanggal ang kamay sa akin at umayos ng upo. I

chuckled and got out of his car. Nauna na akong pumasok sa diner. Thanks for his
coat, hindi masyadong nanuot sa aking katawan ang lamig.

He followed shortly. Permanente na ata ang pagkakakunot ng kaniyang noo dahil hindi
na iyon nawala. Ang kaniyang tainga ay pulang-pula pa rin. I slightly covered my
smile with my hand so he won't see how much I am enjoying this.

He sat in front of me. It was my cue to stand up. Mabilis na lumipad ang tingin
niya sa akin. I raised both of my brows at me when he started giving me daggers
again. Bakit ba lagi siyang galit sa 'kin?

"Ano'ng kakainin mo?" tanong ko. May lumapit sa amin na nagbigay ng simpleng menu.
I scanned it quickly then turned my attention back to him again. Umirap lamang siya
at inagaw sa akin iyong menu. Sungit.

I adjusted his large coat on me. I pulled my hair up and tied it in a ponytail.
Lalong sumama ang kaniyang tingin sa 'kin.

Ano na namang iniinarte nito?

"What do you want to eat, Engineer?" mahina kong tanong. He groaned and clicked his
neck. Ang matatalim niyang tingin ay ipinukol niya sa akin.

"Will you stop seducing me?" nanggagalaiti niyang tanong. Kumunot ang noo ko roon
at unti-unting natawa. May parte sa akin ang nagtatatalon na sa tuwa. I'm affecting
his that much? He thinks I'm seducing him? Nagtali lang ako ng buhok!

"What do you mean? I'm just asking you what you prefer to eat," inosente kong sabi
at tinaasan siya ng kilay.

Umiwas siya ng tingin at lalong namula ang tainga at leeg. Napaawang ang labi ko
nang may napagtanto. Is it about my hair? Or is about my words?

"Unless, you wanna eat something else," mahina kong dugtong.

"That's it!" Naihampas niya na ng tuluyan ang menu sa lamesa na tila ba nabali ko
ang huli niyang pisi ng pasensya.

"I mean, somewhere else," bawi ko at humagalpak. Napaatras ako nang marahas siyang
tumayo.

I flinched when his fingers reached for the top lining of my tube, his skin
basically brushing on my top breasts. Hinila niya iyon pataas at binutones ang
kaniyang coat. Madilim ang kaniyang tingin habang ginagawa lahat ng iyon.

"You stay here and I'll order. Behave," he said coldly.

He gave me a leer before walking to the counter. Nilingon ko siya at seryoso pa rin
ang kaniyang mukha at hindi mawala ang simangot. I sat and let out the smile I've
been holding back.

I remember back when we were seated at the university's cafeteria, facing each
other, with him trying to remain composed as I bluntly diss him as he lectures me
for cutting classes. His eyes cold and murderous as my loose band shirt's neckline
slightly falls off and reveals the strap of what I was wearing underneath, and his
fingers quickly moving to fix it.

Well, I know we're in a different place now and we're not college students anymore
bickering about me breaking the school rules, but the scenario just felt familiar.
I guess some things just never change.

He came back with our food. Ngayon ay nabawasan na ang pagsusuplado niya. I pressed
my lips together to hide my smile when he grabbed the utensils and wiped it with a
tissue paper before giving it to me, like what he used to do.

"Eat," simple niyang sabi, balik na naman sa pagsusuplado.

Tahimik lamang kaming kumakain. May iilan rin namang customers na mukhang mga
galing sa kani-kanilang trabaho. Everytime I'd lift my eyes to look at him,
mahuhuli ko na siyang nakatingin sa 'kin at iirap muna siya bago umiwas. He looks
like a teenager on his PMS week, hindi ko alam kung bakit nag-aasal-bata siya.

My phone rang. Inilabas ko iyon sa aking clutch bag at nakita ang pangalan ni Mirae
sa caller ID. Tatayo sana ako upang sagutin iyon ngunit mabilis na hinagilap ni
Adonis ang kamay kong nakatuon sa lamesa. He quickly removed it as if he was
burned.

"Pwede mong sagutin dito 'yan, sa harap ko," masungit niyang sabi. I slumped back
on my seat. It's just Mirae, anyway. Nakatuon sa akin ang kaniyang tingin habang
nilalagay ko ang telepono sa may tainga.

"How dare you leave me here! You knew that bastard's going to be here kaya mo 'ko
iniwan 'no? God! I knew it! Magkakampi kayo—"

"Wait, Mirs. Slow down. What?" putol ko sa kaniyang matinis at mabilis na

pagsasalita. Kumunot ang noo ko sa pagtataka sa kaniyang sinasabi.

"Si Finn! Ano'ng ginagawa n'on dito?!" she whined. She said Finn's name with
disgust, as if it was taboo to mention him.

I chuckled at her misery. Hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit sobra ang inis nilang
mag-ex sa isa't isa, gayong sigurado akong higit limang taon na ang lumipas sa
kanilang dalawa.

"I don't know, Mirae. Nasundo ka na ba?"

Adonis was simply finishing his food, but I know he's all ears. Nagdududa na naman
siguro iyan kung sino ang katawagan ko. I'm pretty sure he'll pull the ako-ang-
nililigawan-mo card if he thinks I'm talking to a guy.

"Yes! Ugh. Where are you, anyway? Naiwan mo 'yung coat mo kay France, pinadala niya
sa akin," aniya.

I clicked my tongue. "Having dinner, why?" Nakita ko ang sandaling pag-angat ng

kilay ni Adonis.

"With who?" usisa niya. I chuckled. Tsismosa rin talaga tong si Mirae e.

"Bye," saad ko at binaba ang telepono.

"Who's that?" medyo kalmadong tanong nitong isa. I continued eating before
answering his question.
"Mirae Lim, a female photographer," sagot ko, emphasizing the specification.
Tumango lamang siya.

"Finish your food. I'll drive you home."

"Akala ko ba ako ang maghahatid sa'yo?"

Natigilan siya at nilingon ako. Mukhang pagod na pagod na siyang makipagtalo sa

'kin ngunit hindi naman ako papaawat. He blinked and remained silent as he thinks
of a rebuttal that never came. One point for me, then.

My phone buzzed. Nanahimik na si Adonis at hindi na iyon pinansin dahil siguro

natalo siya kanina sa sagutan namin. Lagi naman siyang talo, sa totoo lang.

France:

Fitting for MH! 8:30 sharp.

I quickly sent him a reply before going back to eating. Hindi naman sa binabagalan
kong kumain. Ninanamnam ko lang talaga ang moment na 'to dahil ngayon ko lang ulit
siya nakasabay.

Sadness immediately made its way in my system when I remembered that the last time
we ate together was when I was still pregnant. Humigpit ang kapit ko sa aking
kutsara dahil doon. If I did agree to him and we went to the hospital, sana nalaman
niya agad. I wouldn't have lost the baby, too. But of course, that also meant
stirring things up. Mag-aaway pa rin kami ni Emmarie kahit anong mangyari. Maybe it
would have been worse...or better. I don't know. I can only imagine.

"What's wrong?"

Mabilis akong umiling at pinilit na ngumiti.

Inside my head, I am already imagining our son seated beside me. You see this
honourable man, son? He's your father, and I love him so much. If you were here,
maybe things would be better and we'd be a family.

"Wala," saad ko. I sighed and continued eating. Nagtagal ang kaniyang tingin sa
'kin.

"Uhm...how's Ajax?" iyon ang unang lumabas sa aking bibig habang nag-iisip ng
bagong pag-uusapan. He scoffed.

"What about him?" Mabilis na bumalik ang pagiging irritable niya.

"Nagtatanong lang," I whispered. His jaw ticked in annoyance. "Selos ka naman

agad," dugtong ko. Lalong sumama ang mukha niya roon.

"Stop talking about him, then. You're with me." He hissed. I pouted and just
nodded. Nang matapos kami kumain ay saka niya ako hinatid sa bahay. I didn't invite
him over. There's no need. Isa pa, kung gising pa si Mirae, siguradong malilintikan
siya sa babaeng 'yon.

"May pupuntahan ka ba bukas?" tanong niya nang tumigil sa tapat.

"Fitting ng damit. Bakit?"

His tongue swirled inside his mouth. "What are you going to model?"
"Gowns, why?"

Ipinahinga niya ang kaniyang braso sa manibela. He leaned his head on his resting
arm and looked at me. I only raised both my brows at him while waiting.

"What about the FHM one? You're not going to accept it?" maingat niyang tanong.

Napanguso ako. "Bakit? Ayaw mo ba?" tanong ko pabalik. Sa totoo lang e mukhang wala
naman talaga 'kong balak doon. Ayaw kong mapuno agad ang schedule ko ng modelling
stints dahil hindi naman iyon ang trabahong gusto ko. I still prefer to work as a
creative. Hahanap-hanapin ko iyon.

"Nevermind what I said earlier about it. If you're comfortable doing those types of
shoots, then do it. I won't get in the way of what you like doing."

I genuinely smiled at that. "Baka hindi na. I don't think I'm ready, anyway."

Napabuntong hininga siya at tumango. "Breakfast, then?"

My brows furrowed. "Ha?"

"Take me out to breakfast tomorrow. Then we'll go to your fitting."

Napatawa ako roon. What happened to the busy man who has moved on, huh? Akala ko ba
e naka-move on na siya?

Aba. Siya itong nililigawan na demanding. Talagang inuutusan niya akong lumabas
kasama siya. Hindi lang makapaghintay na ako ang mag-aya?

"Hindi ba't busy ka?" nanunuya kong tanong. He immediately frowned at that. Totoo
naman. Iyon ang sabi ng sekretarya niya noong tumawag ko. He's booked for the week.
Imposible namang nagsisinungaling iyon.

"So what?"

Umiling ako. "Can't. Lunch na lang?"

He pouted. "Okay. Uwi ka na," aniya at binuksan ang pinto ng kaniyang sasakyan mula
sa loob. Nahimigan ko ang pagtatampo sa kaniyang tono.

"Anything you prefer to eat at lunch tomorrow, Engineer?" tanong ko bago isara nang
tuluyan ang pinto ng kaniyang sasakyan. Pinaningkitan niya ako ng mata.

"Behave," malamig niyang sabi. Umirap ako.

"I'm talking about food. Ikaw 'tong marumi ang isip!" saway ko. He grunted.

"I'll call," aniya. Tumango ako.

"Good night," I whispered. Hindi ko na hinintay ang tugon niya at marahang binagsak
ang pinto ng kaniyang sasakyan.

Nagtataka ako dahil bukas pa ang ilaw sa salas nang pumasok ako. To my surprise,
Dad was walking down the stairs. Suot niya ang kaniyang salamin at ang puting
bathrobe na umiibabaw sa pambahay sa loob.

"Bakit ngayon ka lang?" tanong nito. "Sino'ng naghatid sa'yo?"

I inwardly groaned. Lumapit ako sa kaniya at humalik sa pisngi. Nagtagal ang tingin
niya sa coat na suot ko. His eyes were suspecting me as if I did a crime.

"Traffic po," sagot ko. I followed him as he made his way to the kitchen. Umupo ako
sa high chair at pinagmasdan siyang kumuha ng cheese pie.

It's been five years but Dad doesn't have a single idea about who the father of my
child is. At least, I haven't told him about it. Hindi ko lang sigurado kung
nadulas na ba si Diesel sa kaniya o ano.

"At sino iyong naghatid sa'yo? Don't you dare lie to me. That car is familiar,"
matamang sabi nito at umupo sa aking tapat. Pumiraso lamang ako sa isang slice ng
pie.

I let the silence wrap around us for a moment before dropping the bomb.

"The father of my child, Dad," pag-amin ko. I watched as his chinky eyes, which
reminded me of my twin, widened in surprise. Nabitin iyong pagkagat niya sa pie. I
gave him a soft smile as I hoped that he won't get mad at this.

"Ano?" mabagal niyang ani na mistulang hindi makapaniwala. Pinunasan niya ang kamay
ng tissue at tumunganga na parang masyadong nabigla.

"H-Hindi ba't sa anak ni Alejandro ang sasakyan na 'yon?"

I nodded. Nalaglag ang kaniyang panga at saglit na bumaba sa upuan para kumuha ng
tubig at mabilis na bumalik. His fingers massaged his forehead.

"I can explain," saad ko. Tumango siya habang umiinom ng tubig. Inilahad niya ang
kamay, isang hudyat na pwede na akong magsimula.

I told him everything from my point of view. From how Adonis and I met, to how we
became friends and how our relationship escalated. He was silent all the time I was
telling him everything. Sunod kong dinugtong ang sinabi sa akin ni Emmarie, kung
paano siya nagkagusto kay Adonis at ano ang tunay na nangyari noong mga panahong
nasa New York pa sila. I saw how the mention of my twin's death affected him in an
instant. But then, there were no judgments in his eyes. Nakikinig lamang siya at
hinayaan akong magpaliwanag, taliwas sa inaasahan kong magagalit siya at sisisihin
ako sa pagkamatay ng kapatid.

Ito ang magandang natamo ko sa gitna ng sari-saring nangyari sa 'kin noon. I lost
my twin and my child, but that made my relationship with Dad stronger. I lost my
friends and the love of my life, and it just made me realize that no matter what
happens nor how bad the things I'll do in the future, I will never lose my father
ever again. He is my remaining family, and we've been through hell together, which
proved that the bond we share as father and daughter will remain unbreakable for
the upcoming years.

Maybe, all this time, no one was blaming for the things that happened. I was just
too harsh and loved others more than myself that I ended up putting the weight that
no one asked me to carry on my back.

"So...you're back together?" mabagal na tanong ni Dad. Umiling ako at napanguso.

Napapikit siya nang mariin at naihilamos ang palad sa mukha. Ilang saglit siyang
tumahimik na tila may iniisip.

"He still doesn't know about your child?" tanong niya. Umiling akong muli.
Napabuntong hininga siya.
"Bali-baliktarin man ang mundo, anak niya iyon. Alam mo ba, nagalit sa akin si Lola
mo noon at pinilit kaming paghiwalayin ni Eleonora noong mga panahong buntis pala
siya at hindi ko alam? And when I found out that she was pregnant with twins, hindi
ako pumayag na hindi ako ang mapangasawa niya. Your Lola almost filed a restraining
order. I can't imagine how I would feel if I didn't fight for Eleonora at kung
hindi ko nalaman na may kambal pala kami. That would have been heartbreaking. Para
na rin akong tinanggalan ng karapatang maging ama sa mga anak na ginusto ko naman."

"You miss Mom, don't you?" saad ko. Napatigil siya sa pagkain at malungkot na
ngumiti.

"For eight years until now, I think of her every single day, and your sister, too.
And of course, the grandson I could have had."

Sadness brewed inside my scarred and scared heart. Huminga ako nang malalim at
kinontrol ang paghinga. I always think of Mom and my sister, too. And I have always
thought of my son.

Kung paanong sana ngayon ay may hinahatid na ako sa school para pumasok. Ninang na
sana sina Mirae, Vi, at Addie. Diesel and Raven would have been teaching him to
play ball or catch girls. Sana 'pag umuuwi ako, may sasalubong sa 'king bata na
tatanggal ng pagod ko.

My son would have been my source of life. I will let my life revolve around him
even if that means raising him alone. I am just imagining the possible events that
could have happened if he's alive, everything is uncertain, but I'm sure that I can
endure everything for him. Titiisin ko ang kahit na ano. Even if the public will
tell me that I should be ashamed of being such a young, single mother, I won't be.
Why would I be, anyway?

"Do you still love him? Kung permiso ko lang ang hinihingi mo, wala ka nang dapat
problemahin. You've been through tough times, Vesper. You deserve what makes you
happy, and I'm sure your sister thinks of the same thing. She wants you to live
your life and stop worrying about what others want for you, or what others are
shoving down your throat. Go for what you want. No one's stopping you now. You've
waited...and held yourself and your heart back long enough."

I nodded. Hindi ko na napigilan ang lumuha sa kaniyang harapan. He smiled and went
to my direction. Mabilis niya akong niyakap. His hand guided the back of my head
towards his chest.

"Ah, you're still a baby," aniya at bahagyang natawa. My laughter broke my ugly
crying session. I hugged Dad tighter. I just hope that I still have lots of time
with him. I don't know what I'll do if ever he gets taken away from me too early
like what happened to Mom and Emmarie.

KINABUKASAN AY PAREHAS kaming busy ni Mirae. She said she'll accompany me to the
fitting since she'll be bored to death if she'll go out alone. Hindi nakatakas sa
paningin ko iyong paglalagay niya ng sandamakmak na concealer sa ilalim ng mata
niya dahil sa lalim ng eyebags niya.

"Hindi ka nakatulog?"tanong ko habang nagche-check ng e-mails. I sent the potential

clients my rate sheets before closing my laptop.

She glared at me. "I wasn't thinking about him! That bastard!" iritable niyang
saad. Gigil na gigil talaga siya kapag si Finn ang pag-uusapan. Hindi ko pa rin
alam kung bakit.

"Wala akong sinabi," I lazily drawled. She scowled and rolled her eyes at me.
Padabog niyang kinuha ang pouch niya at nauna nang lumabas.

Nag-ring ang aking cellphone habang pababa pa lamang ako sa hagdan. It was an
unregistered number. Sinagot ko na lamang iyon. Ang nakakaalam lang ng number ko
ngayon ay si Dad at ang mga kaibigan ko, France, and Mary Hermosura's secretary,
too.

"Hello?" bati ko. I heard some shuffling from the other line.

"Hey." I heard Adonis' lazy morning voice.

Kinilabutan ata ako roon at muntik pang magkamali ng tapak sa hagdan sa pagkabigla.
How the hell did he get my number? Hindi ko naman iyon binigay sa kaniya kagabi.

"G-Good morning. Saan mo nga pala nakuha ang number ko?"

He chuckled and I felt the hair on my nape rising. "Does it matter?" aniya sa
namamaos na boses.

Malayong-malayo sa masungit na aura at pagsusuplado niya kahapon ang tono ng

kaniyang boses. Mirae eyed me as I was talking to him. Alam ko 'yang tinging 'yan—
tingin ng sabik sa tsismis.

"Bakit ka tumawag?" tanong ko, hininaan ang boses para hindi marinig ni Mirae.

"Bawal ba?" Now, he sounded arrogant.

"Hindi naman. I just thought you're too busy to call,"lusot ko.

"A phone call to my suitor wouldn't hurt." Narinig ko ang kaniyang pagngisi. I
rolled my eyes at that. Talagang in-emphasize niya pa na ako ang nanliligaw sa
kaniya. First time niya sigurong maligawan? O natutuwa lang siyang paglaruan ako?

"Sure, whatever. What do you want?" pagsusungit ko.

"Saan ang fitting mo? Sunduin kita mamaya."

Kumunot ang noo ko roon ngunit napangiti. I crossed my legs and leaned on the seat
in front of me. Bakit ba sabik na sabik siya? Hindi ba talaga siya makapaghintay na
ako ang gumawa ng move dahil ako naman ang nanliligaw?

"Ang sweet naman ng nililigawan ko," I said then chuckled. I heard him grunt.

"Hindi pa kita sinasagot, ha?" Binalik niya ang pagsusungit.

"Oo na, oo na!" saad ko at umirap. "'Wag mo na 'kong sunduin dahil hindi ko pa alam
ang tapos noon. Magkita nalang tayo."

"I'll book a reservation at Muriale, is it okay?" I scrunched my face.

Lunch lang kailangan sa gourmet restaurant pa? Good thing I'm wearing a pretty
decent white dress. May dress code pa naman doon.

"Of course. Sige na, bye na," saad ko dahil pinaningkitan na ako ng mata ni Mirae.
Pinatay ko na lang agad ang tawag at nagkunwaring walang ginagawang masama.

NANG MAKARATING SA HQpara sa fitting ay naroon na si France. I checked on my watch

and I'm five minutes early, which is more than fine. Magsusukat lang naman kami
ngayon, or maybe do some mock shoots for Mirae.
"Grabe. Mirae Lim and MH Gowns collab? We're going to break the internet," saad ng
isang creative director na kasama namin dahil wala pa si Mary. Nasa isang kwarto
kami na punong-puno ng mga gowns na halos tatlong rack ata. Isusuot ko lahat 'yan?
Siguradong matatagalan nga ako! Ang dami!

"Not to mention, she's Valentin Gorotizca's daughter. Imagine the noise it would
make putting three big fishes in one project," saad ni France, pumapatungkol sa
akin. Nakaupo lamang ako sa couch habang si Mirae ay kinakalikot ang isang
professional camera.

"Actually, she doesn't need her father for her name to be known. She's New York's
rising graphic designer, been to Fashion Week's mock catwalks, bluntly rejected
Ford, and had been working with mental health advocates to raise awareness. She's
not just Valentin Gorotizca's daughter. She's more than that," malamig na sabi ni
Mirae. She raised her brows and flashed the both of them her resting bitch face
before going back what she's doing.

Parehas na natigilan si France at ang director. I nervously chuckled. Wala naman

talaga sa akin na kadugsong ko lagi ang pangalan ng aking ama, alam ko namang
habambuhay na iyong dadalhin. I didn't feel offended, too, pero si Mirae ay hindi
naman papayag ng ganoon.

"Right," kabadong sabi ni France. I smiled apologetically at him. He's scared that
he'll get on Mirae's nerves and lose his job.

"Uh...I'll just call the stylist," saad ng director. Tumayo na ako dahil namili na
si France ng unang isusuot ko roon. A female stylist entered and helped me with the
first gown.

"Are you serious? Wala akong make-up," saway ko kay Mirae at hinaharangan ang lens
niyang nakatutok sa akin. The stylist is putting a pomade on my hair to tame it.

"So?" Mirae deadpanned. Pinilit niyang ibaba ko iyong kamay ko. She said that
she'll just take photos for the preparation. Dahil kung pipilitin niya pa ako na
magkaroon ng matinong kuha ay magtatagal kami sa dami pa ng isusukat ko.

"This needs adjustment on the waist," komento ko sa pangalawang gown. Hinapit iyon
ni France at nilagyan muna ng pin. Kinuha muna ng stylist ang measurements ko.

"Ang dami naman nito," saad ko habang tinitingnan ang natitirang isusukat. We're
not even done with the first rack, yet! Walo ata kada isa. Tapos ay sinisiguro pa
nila na saktong-sakto ang sukat sa 'kin ng bawat isa.

"You're gonna model for a whole brochure kasi," saad ni France. Panay ang flash ng
camera ni Mirae na hindi ko na ininda dahil nasanay na rin.

Pagod na pagod at sawang-sawa na akong magbihis nang magbihis. Bandang alas-onse

trenta ay natapos namin hanggang sa pangalawang rack. Namili pa kasi sila kung alin
ang pinakababagay sa 'kin para sa centerfold page.

"May pupuntahan ako. Paano ka?" tanong ko kay Mirae paglabas ng building.

"I have to edit your photos so I can update my website. Is it okay if I post it on
my IG, too?" tanong ni Mirae, ang mata ay nasa cellphone pa rin. We entered a cafe
right across the HQ.

"Okay. I told Kuya Edu to fetch you here. Ayos lang na iwan na kita?"
She rolled her eyes and sat. Saglit niya akong nilingon. "I'll be fine as long as I
don't see that guy," pabulong niyang sinabi ang huling parte.

I kissed her on the cheeks before dashing away from there. Nagmamadali akong
pumunta sa Muriale dahil sa text ni Adonis. Well, he didn't say he's already there.
Tinanong niya lang kung naroon na ako.

THE SCENT OFherbs and wine welcomed me as I entered. My eyes twinkled at the sight
of muted purple lavenders and viridescent vines that crept on the classical styled
white posts. Sinalubong ako ng isang staff na babae. I greeted her back with a
smile.

"Yes, Ma'am? Do you have a reservation?" tanong niya.

I was about to answer when I saw Adonis walking behind her, just a few meters away.
Nilingon ko ang staff at pasimpleng itinuro si Adonis na nilingon niya.

"Yes, under his name. May kasama na ba siya?" tanong ko. The staff walked to his
direction to check. Mayamaya ay sumunod ako, just a few steps behind her. Sinilip
niya lamang ito saglit at hinarap ako.

I froze on my spot when I saw him with someone. I inhaled sharply with the mere
sight of a familiar girl, his classmate way back college, I'm sure—the Chinese
girl. I can't remember her name but I'm sure it's her. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa
kamay nitong hinagip ang kamay ni Adonis na nasa lamesa.

Natigilan ako sa singsing na suot niya.

Halos maubusan ako ng hininga nang pagsiklupin niya ang kanilang kamay. Her eyes
drifted to me.

And like she knew how much it will affect me, she smirked.

"Ma'am? Will I tell him you're here?" tanong ng staff. Umiling ako. My exhale
turned shaky as I shook my head faster.

"No, no. Mali siguro ako ng akala. I thought our meeting was scheduled today.
Thanks, anyway," mahina kong saad at nagmamadaling umalis.

My heart felt heavy as I exited the restaurant. Ayaw ko pang umuwi dahil lalo lang
akong malulugmok dahil mag-isa ako sa bahay. I immediately dialled Diesel's number
and he instantly picked up.

"Bakit? Sinong umaway sa'yo?" iyon ang pambungad niya.

Bahagya akong natawa roon ngunit agad na bumigay ang luha. Nagtungo muna ako sa
gilid at hindi muna pinansin ang mga sasakyang tumitigil sa aking tapat.

"Emma? Ayos ka lang? Napaano ka?" bahagyang tumaas ang kaniyang boses. Nagpapadyak
ako habang pinapalis ang luha. I fucking hate this. Habang tumatagal ata ay pababaw
nang pababaw ang luha ko.

Why did he do those? Alam kong tatlong araw pa lang mula noong magkita kami ngunit
sigurado naman ako sa nararamdaman ko sa kaniya.

Pa'no kung hindi ko agad nalaman na kasal na siya? Kailan niya pa ako balak
ipahiya? God, did he pretend to be driven by my plan just so he could humiliate me
in the end? Hinihintay niya ba na media ang mag-expose sa 'kin? Then label me as a
mistress? That would ruin my career!
And I should have known that the articles weren't credible. Siguradong kaya niyang
bayaran ang press para sabihin na wala siyang asawa.

"Where are you?" tanong ko.

"I'll send my location. I'm with Raven and Vivian. Adira's on her way here.
Tatawagan pa lang kita pero nauna ka na," aniya. Pinatay ko agad ang tawag at
hinintay na lamang ang text niya dahil hindi ko na kayang magsalita.

My phone beeped. Naikuyom ko lamang ang kamao nang mabasa iyon.

Adonis:

Where are you?

I deleted it in an instant. It was quickly followed by another text.

Adonis:

We have to talk about something. I'll wait.

Dinelete ko agad iyon. Nang makarating sa pastry shop at matanaw ang Porsche ni
Diesel sa parking ay agad kong pinahinto ang sasakyan. I just gave the driver a
1000-peso bill and didn't wait for the change.

Tumunog ang chimes sa aking pagpasok. Nakita ko kaagad sila sa isang gilid at halos
lahat sila ay nagtayuan nang dumating ako. Adira arrived earlier than me. I
immediately sat beside Raven. Tumigil na ang luha ko ngunit ramdam ko ang
paniningkit ng mata dahil sa pagkusot ko roon.

"Ano'ng nangyari?" tanong ni Adira.

Sumimangot ako. I sighed and groaned out of frustration. Pakiramdam ko'y sayang
iyong pagpipilit ng sarili ko sa kaniya. Isa pa, now that he has a wife, pa'no 'ko
makakasigurado na tatanggapin ang anak ko ng asawa niya?

But, I still have to tell him. Maybe I'll just ask for a medical record and ask
Dad's secretary to have it delivered in his office. Bahala na siya kung ano ang
gagawin niya sa malalaman niya.

I didn't speak for the first 15 minutes. Sinubukan kong i-enjoy ang cupcakes at
kape na naroon, pantanggal gutom din dahil hindi ako nakapagtanghalian dahil sa
lalaking 'yon.

When I finally got the strength to talk, I did. Pare-parehas naman silang sang-ayon
na ipakilala ko 'yung bata sa kaniya kahit na wala na ang anak ko. Ngunit lahat
sila ay may violent recation nang sinabi kong niligawan ko si Adonis. Except for
the guys, they were amused with it, lalo na si Raven na naubo na dahil sa pagtawa
habang kumakain.

"If you wanna get back with him, we can't do anything about it. I'm sure he's
clean, Emma. Hindi ko alam kung sino iyong Chinese na sinasabi mo,"saad ni Diesel.

"Pa'no ka naman nakakasigurado? Remember what he did before?" pagalit na sabi ni

Vivian.

Kung dati ay si Diesel ang may ayaw kay Adonis at si Vivian ang suportado ako,
ngayon ay baliktad na.
Diesel snickered. "I had him investigated before. And...since Emma came home, I
have my men's eyes on him. He's not married. At least, not legally."

I groaned. As if that's supposed to make me feel better. Hindi legally married pero
emotionally married lang? Ganoon ba ang sinasabi nito?

"Ew. Creepy. You're stalking a guy?" pang-iinis ni Raven. Sinamaan siya ng tingin
ni Diesel.

"Gago. 'Wag mo kong awayin, isusumpa kong hindi ka papasa sa BAR."

Raven chuckled at that. Hanggang ngayon ay pikunin pa rin talaga si Diesel sa

kaniya. Adira came back with a tray of cookies. Turns out, her aunt owns the place.

"Mayroon talagang pag-ibig na hindi para sa'yo. Tatanggapin mo na lang dahil wala
ka namang magagawa. If you keep on holding on to the love that isn't for you, then
you'll just be depriving yourself of the love you truly deserve," saad ni Adira at
nginitian ako.

"Wow. Poetic,"pang-aasar ni Diesel. Siniko ni Adira ang kaniyang dibdib.

"Biro lang. Ito naman..." narinig kong bulong ni Diesel. Tumaas ang kilay ko roon.
Dati kasi ay halos magpatayan na sila dahil walang sumusuko sa sagutan nila. I
wonder what happened in the last five years I wasn't here. I feel like I'm missing
something.

"I have to go and talk to my son," I said. Raven offered to take me to the cemetery
but I declined. I want to be alone. I have to tell my son that his father is a
douche, not an honourable man. Binabawi ko na iyong sinabi ko dati.

I sighed as I typed a text. I let Adira's words ring inside my head. I mean, I
can't do anything if he's married. I won't make him cheat on his wife with me. I
won't go too low and steal him from her. Never. I respect it. Hindi na rin niya
kailangang mag-sorry dahil pinapatawad ko na agad siya. I did break his heart
before...he broke mine, too, but I guess it wasn't enough vengeance for him.

Aahon na ako habang hindi pa ako nakararating sa malalim na parte. Hindi ko na

hihintayin ang sarili kong malunod. Ako na mismo ang magsasalba sa aking sarili.

Emmanuelle:

Ayaw na kitang ligawan.

I clicked my tongue and almost tasted the bitterness on it. The wind was calm and
the clouds provided shade. Malungkot akong nagtungo sa mausoleum para bisitahin ang
aking pamilya.

I stopped walking and almost dropped my phone when I saw someone inside.

He was looking at his phone, right hand almost crushing the device as his hold on
it tightened. Sa kaliwang kamay ay hawak niya ang isang brown envelope.

The bones on my chest were not enough to tame the wild pounding of my heart.
Breathing became a difficult task as my lungs felt cold and my airways tightened.
Tila may yumanig sa aking mundo nang marinig ang kaniyang paghagulgol.

Slowly, he knelt. Like a defeated man waving the white flag, he wept on his knees.
I silently made my way inside, with lightweight steps, careful not to make any
sound and break their moment.

I watched as my son met his father in his weakest, most vulnerable, and crestfallen
state. Meet your father, my angel.

☽☾

Chapter 40

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti38
chapter thirty-eight

WITH MY WEAK knees, I carefully made my way towards him. I halted right behind him.
Nilingon ko ang puntod ng anak. Then, I shifted back to Adonis' violently shaking
wide shoulders. Binitiwan niya nang tuluyan ang brown envelope na kaniyang hawak at
hinaplos ang mamahaling marmol.

His fingers slowly traced the name of my son...his son, too. Mistulan siyang
kinakapos sa hininga at tila hirap na hirap makabawi. I went closer to him and sat
on my heels. Napansin ko ang pagkabigla niya sa aking presenya roon ngunit wala
siyang lakas upang umimik. His hand covered his forehead and he pinched the bridge
of his nose, wala pa ring tigil ang pagdaloy ng kaniyang luha.

I rose to my knees and pulled him towards me. He didn't fight back. I guided his
head to my upper abdomen and let him cry his heart out. Mabilis na pumulupot ang
kaniyang braso sa aking bewang. I struggled not to stumble with his weight on me.

Mahigpit ang kaniyang kapit sa akin na tila ba nawalan na siya ng lakas. He held on
to me like his life depended on me. My hands slowly reached for his hollowed cheeks
and tried to wipe away his seemingly endless tears. His face contorted in so much
pain and misery. All I could see was his raw emotions: shock, confusion, and
regret.

He reached for my hand on his face and held it tightly. His crying was contagious
that I could feel my own tears coming right up. Hawak ang kamay ko ay tuluyan
siyang yumuko, tila ayaw nang ipakita sa akin ang sirang-sira niyang estado ngayon.

The bachelor and the golden scion of the Revillaneses was falling apart and
breaking because of the realizations that dawned on him without a warning. Kung
sakali mang may galit siya sa akin ay hindi ako para magreklamo roon. He can get
mad at me for hiding this from him after so many years.

"I'm sorry," I whispered sincerely. Naramdaman ko ang kaniyang bahagyang

nanginginig na labi sa aking palad. I felt like my small hand was going to be
crushed by the way he's holding it so tightly.

"H-He's almost five years old...."

The wall of strength I've been putting up gradually vanished as my own voice broke
and betrayed me. Naramdaman ko ang kaniyang pagtango. He sniffed and let go of my
hand. Nakita ko ang pagpalis niya sa sariling luha at ang nanghihinang pagtayo. He
held out his hand for me to accept. Kumapit ako sa kaniya at marahang tumayo.
Mabilis niya akong kinulong sa kaniyang bisig.
"I was...just five weeks pregnant when I lost him."

His shaky breaths were directed at my left ear. He gently tucked my hair behind my
ears. Napapikit ako sa init ng palad niya sa aking pisngi. I felt his lips on my
forehead.

"I just assumed his gender...and I hope you don't mind that I named him after
Diesel...."

Naghalo ang aming luha sa aking pisngi nang idikit niya ang kaniyang noo sa akin. I
watched him with his eyes tightly shut, but his tears continued to fall like
waterfalls. He lifted his head and gently planted another kiss on my forehead.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he said, voice hoarse with his crying.

"I was so stupid!" He continued blaming himself, only to be followed by his endless
whispers of apologies that I do not need. I have long forgiven him for causing me a
heartbreak, and I never blamed him for my sister and our son's passing.

His weak arms wrapped around me. Binaon niya ang kaniyang mukha sa aking balikat at
marahang umiyak. I caressed his back as he let it all out. I know how it felt. The
moment I found out that I lost our son, it broke my heart to the extent that it
felt like death. During the morning, my friends distracted me from the loss. But at
night, when I see him in my dreams and all the hope that turned to dust, the pain
washes through me.

Bahagya akong napapitlag sa pagkulog. I accidentally stepped back while Adonis'

grip on me tightened. Naramdaman ko ang brown envelope sa ilalim ng aking heels na
suot.

He sucked in his breath sharply before letting me go. His palms slowly slid down my
slender arms. His left hand held my right hand tightly. Ang isa niyang kamay ay
pinisil muli ang kaniyang bahagyang namumulang ilong.

I gently ran my thumb over his calloused palm. His eyes drifted over our son's
tombstone. I saw how his lips quivered as he gasped to hold back another set of
tears. Gulo-gulo ang kaniyang buhok, pagod ang mga mata, at namumula ang ilong. He
bit his lower lip to suppress the noise he'll make as he craned his neck upwards. I
saw the tears travelling to his temple. Kahit anong gawin niya ay mistulang hindi
niya iyon mapigilan.

He looked like a wounded warrior from a cold bloody war with himself, defeated,
bruised and broken as he's probably blaming himself inside his head. Bahagya akong
tumingkayad upang punasan ang gilid ng kaniyang mukha. Mistulang walang lakas
siyang yumuko.

I saw the brown envelope laying on the floor. I didn't mean to remove his hold on
my hand but it slipped from it when I crouched to reach for the envelope. Nabigla
ako nang mabilis ang kaniyang pag-haklit sa aking palapulsuhan.

There was panic in his bloodshot eyes. Umiling-iling siya na tila ba nababaliw at
nalulunod sa sobrang kalungkutan. His body started to slightly tremble as he cried
harder.

"D-Don't leave.... Don't leave me...." aniya na mistulang takot na takot sa kung
ano.

My heart sunk at that. I just showed him the envelope. Umiling ako. "Kinuha ko
lang," paliwanag ko ngunit tila ba'y bingi siya roon.
Mabilis niya akong kinabig palapit at muling pinagsiklop ang aming mga kamay.
Kinabahan ako sa kaniyang sobra-sobrang panginginig. I caressed his back as I
gradually got alarmed with his sudden actions. My heart leaped when I heard another
roar of thunder.

"'Wag mo 'kong iwan.... 'Wag mo 'kong iwan. 'Wag mo na 'kong iiwan," paulit-ulit
niyang sabi. Naalarma na ako sa bumibigat niyang paghinga. Inipit ko ang envelope
sa aking mga tuhod. I gently pushed him away from me and cupped his jaw and made
him look at me.

Pagkabigo ang tangi kong naaaninag doon. Both his hands rested on my waist as I
carefully held his face. Muli ay inilingan ko siya. I did my best to get through
his clouded eyes. Slowly, he calmed himself down.

"You won't leave?" tanong niya, tila isang batang naghihintay ng pangako.

I nodded. I waited for him to finally stabilize himself. Nang makabawi ay bagsak
ang balikat niya habang tinatanaw ang puntod ng bata. His grip on my hand
tightened. Dahan-dahan niya akong nilingon. He slowly lowered his head as if he's
ashamed of himself.

Inabot ko sa kaniya ang envelope. With his free hand, he accepted it. His arm fell
weak beside him.

What now? Alam kong kailangan ko pang ipaliwanag sa kaniya ang natitirang mga
nangyari pero sa tingin ko'y sobrang sensitive pa ng kaniyang mga emosyon ngayon
para sa mga kwentong iyon.

Besides, it's starting to feel chilly. Mabilis na nanuot sa aking sistema ang lamig
dahil sa sleeveless na bistidang suot.

"I...need to go home," I carefully said. He raised his head and his sad eyes met
mine.

"Can't you stay?" mahina niyang sabi.

I bit my lower lip. What about your wife? Will she be okay with this set-up?

Ayaw ko munang gambalain siya sa mga tanong ko kaya naman tumango na lamang ako.
Hindi niya inalis ang kapit sa aking kamay nang lumuhod siyang muli. I slightly
crouched because of that.

He kissed his palm and brought it to my son's tombstone. My heart melted with the
gesture.

Paano kung nabuhay ang bata? I probably would have still kept him as a secret.
Mahihirapan ako lalong ipakilala sa kaniya iyon dahil may asawa na siya, but still,
it's a breathing child. Ang mga taong hindi niya nakasama ang anak ay maaari niyang
bawiin sa paglaki nito, but not in this case. He didn't get the chance to know him.
We both didn't get the chance to become parents.

"Let's go," he weakly said and tugged my hand.

Sumunod lamang ako sa kaniya at pinagmasdan ang aming kamay na magkahawak. I can't
even wrap my short fingers around his because his hold was too tight for me to be
able to move my fingers even just for a bit.

Napapalatak ako nang bumuhos ang ulan. He quickened his pace and ran towards the
side for shade. Inabot niya sa akin ang envelope na bahagyang nabasa. His free hand
moved to remove his coat, but he can't fully remove the piece of clothing when he's
holding my hand. I used my thumb to slightly push his palm from me ngunit lalo
lamang humigpit ang kapit niya roon.

Once again, I saw the fear and panic on his eyes. Umiling lamang siya sa akin,
hindi pumapayag sa gusto kong mangyari. Nanakit ang aking puso nang makita ang
pangamba sa kaniyang mata.

"I won't leave, okay?" saad ko upang kumalma siyang muli. I gently tugged away from
his grip. Mabilis ang kaniyang pag-alis ng suot at ipinatong iyon sa akin.

This time, I didn't wait for him to reach for my hand. Inunahan ko na siya. His
eyes slowly melted into softness with my simple gesture. Hindi sapat ang kaniyang
coat para tabunan ako lalo na't sinagip ko ang kaniyang envelope upang 'di mabasa.
I'm not sure what its contents are, but I feel like it has important documents
inside. Dahil hindi ko nahawakan ang coat na tumataklob sa aking ulo ay bumagsak
lamang iyon sa may balikat ko. Hindi ko ininda ang galit na pagbuhos ng ulan. I
made sure that his envelope was safe.

He cussed loudly when he saw how soaked I was. Nagmamadali niyang binuksan ang
pinto ng kaniyang sasakyang hindi ko napansin kanina. Mabilis niya akong pinapasok.
I tossed his wet coat on the backseat and checked the envelope to make sure it
didn't get wet even for the slightest bit.

His inner shirt hugged his frame. Ang basang tela nito ay dumikit sa kaniyang
balat. He immediately opened his dashboard and tossed me one of the thick face
towels. Ang isa ay ginamit niya sa kaniyang sarili.

While I was busy drying my arms and legs, he was busy with his hair. Mukhang wala
na sa kaniya na nababasa ang interior ng kaniyang mamahaling sasakyan. Ipinatong ko
ang envelope sa may dashboard at siniklop ang basang buhok sa kaliwang balikat at
tinuyo iyon. He slightly rolled the car windows down because he didn't bother
turning on the AC. Sapat lamang ang siwang para pumasok ang bahagyang malamig na
hangin ngunit hindi sapat para matalsikan kami ng tubig-ulan sa loob.

Before he started the engine, he looked at me with tired eyes but with a stare so
lethal I felt my throat run dry. Bumaba ang kaniyang tingin sa aking bistida at
bahagya akong na-conscious dahil sa kaniyang paghagod ng tingin sa aking katawan.

I thought I looked decent with this white bandage dress when I was wearing it
earlier...ngunit ngayong nabasa na ay pakiramdam ko'y alam ko na kung bakit madilim
ang kaniyang tingin. I can't do anything about the fabric slowly constricting to
hug my skin as if it wasn't fitted enough.

"Kaya ko nga binigay sa iyo ang coat ko, para 'di ka mabasa," mababa niyang sabi.

I shifted on my seat. I was about to pull the seatbelt when I remembered that it
kind of malfunctioned and put us in an awkward situation the last time I did. Kaya
naman pinabayaan ko na iyon.

"Your files may get wet," depensa ko.

"I don't care. I can ask for a new copy tomorrow. Pa'no kapag nagkasakit ka?"

I ignored him. Nagbuntonghininga na lamang ako at tiniis ang lamig. Pumalatak siya
at tanging hingang malalim ang naitugon sa hangin.

I am not doubting the tears he shed for my lost child. Siguro nga'y matagal-tagal
na panahon na ang lumipas, the Adonis I know might have changed drastically and I'm
probably just not aware of it, ngunit sigurado akong kahit pa siguro'y gumaspang na
ang ugali niya, hindi siya ganoong ka-walang puso para pekein ang kalungkutang
nakita ko mismo kanina. If ever the five years moulded him into a cunning
businessman, heartless and stone-cold, I'm sure my son is an exception to his
treatment. I saw it with my both eyes—his raw and unadulterated hatred for himself
and the pain of not being a father to his child.

But with me? I'm not sure. Napagawi ang tingin ko sa kaniyang mga daliri sa
steering wheel. I am not seeing a ring. Maybe he's hiding it somewhere for me not
to see, so he can humiliate me if ever he finally decides to reject me.

Sa kalagitnaan ng biyahe ay bahagyang nagkumpulan ang mga sasakyan. Ang tagaktak ng

tubig-ulan ang tanging humihiwa sa katahimikang bumabalot sa amin. Pasimple ko
siyang nilingon nang umandar na ang sasakyan sa aming tapat ngunit kami'y hindi pa
rin.

I tapped his wet forearm which made him jolt in surprise. He hissed before driving
away. "Sorry,"aniya, mistulang wala pa rin sa sarili.

Isiniksik ko ang sarili sa gilid ng kaniyang sasakyan at pumikit sa biglaang

pagkaramdam ng pagod. Hindi naman talaga ako natutulog ngunit pakiramdam ko'y iyon
ang tingin ni Adonis. I slightly opened my eyes when I heard him sniffing.
Naramdaman ko ang kaniyang kamay na hinagip ang nagpapahingang akin.

He pinched the bridge of his nose while waiting for the slight congestion on the
road to loosen up. Dahil tingin ko'y hindi siya magiging komportable 'pag nalamang
gising ako ay pinagpatuloy ko ang pagpapanggap na tulog. Mistulang may humahampas
sa aking dibdib sa pananakit nito nang marinig ang kaniyang mahinang pag-iyak, tila
kinokontrol ang tunog ng paghagulgol sa takot na magising ako.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he chanted like a prayer as his voice broke. I swallowed
the lump on my throat and tried hard to pretend to be asleep.

HINDI KO NAMALAYANna nakatulog ako nang tuluyan. Naalimpungatan lamang ako nang
maramdaman kong may pilit na kumukuha sa akin. I immediately shifted on my seat
when I saw Adonis darkly staring at me.

"I'm sorry.... Masarap kasi ang tulog mo," bulong niya. Itinukod niya ang kaniyang
kamay sa bukas na pintuan ng sasakyan at ang isa ay sa bubong habang pinagmamasdan
akong mag-adjust. Pasimple at mabilisan kong pinunasan ang gilid ng aking labi.
Nang makalabas ay mabilis niya akong sinukuban ng kaniyang coat na hawak hanggang
sa makarating kami sa lobby.

I am familiar with the place even though it's my first time here. I've read about
the place in blogs and feature sites. Mirae is also planning on buying a unit here
so she can have a place for herself because their ancestral house is at Laguna.
Adonis probably owns a unit in this condominium complex. I eyed the bluish glass
exterior of the tall towers.

Hindi ako umimik. He was still holding that brown envelope. His damp hair was
brushed back, showing his perfectly sculpted face. Hindi ko na sinaway ang kaniyang
kamay na nasa may likuran ko. I'm too tired to argue on why he brought me here.

The receiving foyer was well lit, colours of gold and neat white sparkled under the
bright mercy of a grand chandelier. Hindi ko mapigilan ang mapa-isip kung magkano
ang ginastos niya rito. His hand on my back did not leave as we entered the elegant
living room of his luxurious unit, mistulang pinagsisigawan kung gaano karangya
ito.
"I'll get you some clothes. I'll call my assistant to buy yo...uh... underwear for
tomorrow."

Nilingon ko siya. He clicked his neck and cuss to himself softly. Mabilis niya
akong tinalikuran ngunit hindi nakatakas sa aking mata ang namumula niyang leeg.

White curtains draped over the floor-to-ceiling windows on the side of his living
room. I softly touched the white roses on the deep brown table. Two lamps of the
same brown shade were placed on the opposite sides of a huge flatscreen TV.
Alternating shade ng Prussian blue, cream, at ochre ang carpet na nakalatag rito.
Two wide white couches, and two Prussian blue love-seats were placed strategically
in the living room. Malinis at ayos na ayos lahat. Even the fossil-coloured throw
pillows were neatly placed. Pantay-pantay. Nakaka-conscious tuloy gumalaw.
Pakiramdam ko'y alam ni Adonis kung sakali mang may galawin ako roon.

"You can change. Come." Napalingon ako sa kaniya. Nakapagpalit na siya ng damit,
may tuwalyang nagpapahinga sa kaniyang leeg.

I followed him quietly, habang panaka-nakang tumitingin sa paligid. He lives alone

here? In this luxurious and spacious unit? Where's his wife? Nasa bahay nila? Or
maybe he bought a new house and lot for them?

"If you're not comfortable with the clothes I got you, feel free to enter the walk-
in closet and choose what you want to wear."

Tahimik kong tinanggap iyong binigay niyang damit. He closed the wooden doors at
saka lamang ako nakahinga nang maluwag. Being near him makes me feel nervous for
some reason, now.

I stared at my own reflection in the wide mirror. Hindi ko maiwasang hindi puriin
at mamangha sa magandang interior nito. There are even three sinks, and the marble
counter looked like tiger's stripes. Gusto kong tingnan kung nasaan ang suklay niya
ngunit natatakot akong buksan ang samu't saring cabinets sa may ilalim ng sink kaya
naman daliri ko na lamang ang ginamit ko. I reached for the white body towel near
the deep-soaking tub.

I slipped out of all of my clothes. Tinapis ko ang tuwalya dahil naco-conscious ako
at hindi ko alam ngunit pakiramdam ko'y may nanonood sa 'kin. Sadyang praning ata
talaga ako. Chineck ko pa ang siwang ng pinto at masyado iyong maliit para may
makakita sa 'kin sa loob. And what the hell, Emma? Ano bang iniisip mo? Na
bobosohan ka?

I looked at his huge white long-sleeved shirt and black and gray checkered boxer
shorts. Mabilis ko iyong sinuot. I kind of felt bare. Sanay naman akong hindi mag-
bra noong nasa New York at si Mirae lang ang kasama ko sa The Palace o kaya ay sa
townhouse, ngunit syempre, iba ngayon. It's Adonis we're talking about. Kahit na
hindi naman halata na wala kong suot sa loob dahil masyadong maluwag ang kaniyang
damit ay naco-conscious pa rin ako.

I reached for the grey silk robe hanging on the walls. Ibinalot ko iyon sa aking
sarili para matahimik na ang isip ko.

What do I do with my drenched clothes, then? Ayaw ko namang iwan 'to rito. He'll
see these!

Nabali ang pakikipagtalo ko sa aking sarili nang may kumatok.

"Emma? You alright?" tinig iyon ni Adonis. Mabilis kong tiniklop ang aking mga
basang damit, making sure my undergarments are placed inside my folded dress,
before opening the door. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa akin. His eyebrow raised
momentarily.

"Sorry, I borrowed your robe. Malamig kasi," palusot ko. He only nodded.

"I can have that delivered to the laundry—"

"'Wag na. Can I have a paper bag or plastic bag, instead?"

Pumalatak siya. Nagtagal ang kaniyang tingin sa akin bago mabagal na tumango. He
quickly left, at habang wala siya ay hinayaan ko ang sariling magtingin-tingin sa
kaniyang unit.

I slowly opened a door. A king sized bed with clean white sheets and peach pillows
greeted me. Carpeted ang sahig at may cream na loveseat sa gilid. My eyes drifted
on the pile of books on the table. Maybe...his room? And his wife's too, probably.
Isinara ko na iyon bago pa ako mahuli ni Adonis.

"What do you think?"

Napapitlag ako nang may magsalita sa aking likuran. I turned to look at Adonis who
caught me red-handed. Inabot niya sa akin ang isang plastik at malaking paper bag.
Mabilis kong isinilid doon ang basa kong damit.

"U-Uh, malinis, malawak..." I spouted nonsense. Tumango naman siya. Sa kaniyang

paglapit ay ginabayan niya ang aking bewang at binuksan ang pinto. I was then
forced to enter.

Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay ini-invade ko ang privacy nila ng kaniyang asawa. I looked

at the bedside table and saw no picture frames from weddings. Maybe he's not
married, yet. Probably engaged?

"You like it here?" he lazily said.

Pinigil ko ang paghinga nang yakapin niya ako mula sa likod at ipahinga ang
kaniyang ulo sa aking balikat. I inwardly hissed when he brushed the tip of his
nose on my neck.

"Ha? A-Ayos lang.Suite mo naman 'to."

"Hmm," he hummed, sending vibrations to my neck.

What the heck is he doing? Bahagya akong umalis sa kaniyang kapit ngunit nahalata
niya agad iyon at agad na hinuli ang libre kong kamay. I bit my lip hard and
thought of his loyal wife.

"Ihahatid mo ba ako pauwi 'pag tumila na ang ulan?" tanong ko. I bit my tongue
inside. Tumaas nang bahagya ang kaniyang kilay sa aking tanong.

"It's not safe to drive, anymore. The news just confirmed Near Zero Visibility,"
mababa niyang sabi.

I inhaled sharply. Okay. Fine. I'll sleep here. I can't ask Kuya Edu to come fetch
me here. Driver namin siya ngunit tao rin naman 'yun, baka maaksidente pa. I'm sure
Dad won't let him, too. Mabuti na lang talaga at nasa bahay na si Mirae.

"Uh, saan ako tutulog?" tanong ko. He bobbed his head to the left.
"On the bed, of course. Where else?"

Nahirapan akong mangapa ng salita. Mahigpit ang kaniyang kapit sa aking kamay at
pilit akong nilalapit sa kaniya. It's as if he's daring me to say something. I'm
not sure what it is.

"Dito? Wala bang ibang kama?"

His tongue ran over his lips. Natikom ko ang bibig nang mapansin na nasa labi ko
lamang ang kaniyang atensyon.

"There are two more beds on the other room, but, why not here?" His voice was
husky.

I nervously chuckled. Tangina naman. 'Wag mo naman akong pahirapan!

Ano bang hinihintay niya? Marinig mula sa 'kin na may asawa siya? Para ako na mismo
ang magpahiya sa sarili ko?

"Your wife might get mad...."

"Hm? Pakiulit?" he probed and made me face him. Pinilit niyang hulihin ang aking
tingin ngunit ipinukol ko lamang ang tingin sa may couch sa kaniyang likuran.

"I said, your wife might get—"

"What wife are you talking about? Saan naman galing 'yan, ha?" he whispered.

Tuluyan niyang nilapit ang kaniyang sarili sa akin. Binitiwan niya ang kamay ko
ngunit pumulupot naman ang mga braso sa aking bewang. My free hand immediately rose
to slightly push his chest because he's too close.

"'Yung asawa mo. I saw you with her at Muriale—"

"So you were there, huh? And you just left without asking me who that girl is?"

"I saw her hold your hand! And her ring finger is obviously occupied—"

"Liju is married but not to me. She's been hitting on me even if she's married—"

"Edi magaling! Patulan mo!" I spat.

He chuckled sexily.

"You and your jealousy..." he trailed. "I flicked her hand off, just so you
know...at imposible namang magkaasawa ako."

"B-Bakit naman?" saad ko, nahihirapan nang itulak siya dahil sa kaniyang pilit na
pagdidiin sa sarili.

"Nililigawan pa ako, e. 'Pag sinagot ko na, pakasal na kami agad...."

I felt like my whole body turned imperial red with his teasing. Tuluyan siyang
lumayo sa malakas kong pagtulak sa kaniya. There is now a lazy smirk painted on his
lips upon seeing my reaction.

"Let's eat. We have things to talk about," aniya at hinagilap muli ang kamay ko.
Ngayon ay hindi ko na iyon pasimpleng tinanggal kung hindi ay nagpumiglas na. But
of course, he's too strong! Ano bang laban ng maliit kong kamay?
I sat on the couch in the living room. Napalingon sa akin ang unipormadong staff ng
residences. He politely smiled at me after bringing the tray of food.

"Pakibilis." Adonis' voice was as cold as the storm's breeze. Mukhang nabigla naman
ang lalaki roon. I smiled apologetically at him. He bowed shortly and left in an
instant.

The table in the living room was wide enough to fit everything he bought: Fettucini
carbonara, Australian beef strip steak, chocolate tarts, and some crab cakes.
Mukhang tinitingnan niya kung ano ang magiging reaksyon ko. What? Ano bang ine-
expect niya?

"No wines?" mahina kong tanong. He scoffed and shook his head.

"We still need to talk. I don't want alcohol to get in the way."

Tanging ang news report lamang tungkol sa paparating na bagyo ang ingay na
maririnig. Habang kumakain ay naramdaman ko na ang sunod-sunod na pagbahing. I put
my plate down and covered my mouth and nose. Oh, god. I can't be sick. I can't look
sick! Magmo-model pa ako para sa brochure! Patay ako kay Mirae!

"Nagpaulan ka kasi," he lectured like a father.

I reached for my clutch bag and got my phone. Punong-puno iyon ng missed calls
galling kay Dad at Mirae. Mirae told me that she posted my photos already. While
Dad, on the other hand, is asking about my whereabouts.

Dad:

Stay where you are. Are you with Architect?

Emmanuelle:

No, Dad.

I'm talking to Engineer Revillanes about my son.

Dad:

It's his son, too. Not just yours.

Take care.

Ibinalik ko na iyon sa aking clutch. Nakatingin doon si Adonis at hindi umiimik

ngunit ramdam ko ang kagustuhan niyang magtanong.

"It's Dad and Mirae," I said to soothe his curiosity.

Tumango siya roon. Maya't maya na ang pagsinghot ko. I can now feel the slight
throbbing of my head. I should probably ask France about the exact date for the
photoshoot proper. Kailagan kong magpagaling agad kung sakali.

"YOU DONE?"TANONGn'ya. I nodded. Tumayo na siya. Nang hindi ako sumusunod ay

nilingon niya ako.

"Come, I told you we still have to talk," mababa niyang sabi. I weakly rose from my
seat and followed him.
Nagusot ang mukha ko nang makita muli ang pinto ng kaniyang kwarto. Mag-uusap lang
kailangang sa kwarto niya pa? Pwede namang sa salas na lang!

Hinintay niya akong makapasok bago niya isara ang pinto. I sat on the couch.
Napasimagot siya roon bago nagtungo sa gilid ng kaniyang kama. Hindi na siya
umimik. He reached for the brown envelope and looked at the papers. Minutes have
passed and he still isn't talking so I figured that he wanted me to start.

"S-Sabi ng doktor, mahina pa ang kapit ng bata. I didn't know I was pregnant 'til I
lost my son—"

"Our son..." mataman niyang sabi. Napapikit siya nang mariin. I inhaled sharply and
nodded. Right.

"Our son," pagtatama ko sa sarili. "I...I was assaulted at the club which made it
worse—"

"What?!" his voice boomed. Ngayon ay napalitan ng matinding galit ang ekspresyon
niya. I figured that no one informed him about that, too.

"Wala na 'yon, Diesel took care of it. Nicholas' girlfriend and her friends, along
with a buff attacked at the restroom. The next morning, saka ko nalaman na...na
ano..." I didn't bother finishing the thought.

I pressed my fingers together when the events of that night rushed through me.

Naihilamos niya ang palad sa kaniyang mukha. He firmly nodded, urging me to

continue.

"I didn't tell you because of Emmarie...pero nalaman din naman niya. I...I thought
it would be best if no one but me and a few close friends will know about it. Kasi,
alam mo namang pinilit kita sa kapatid ko. I...I thought you'd go against my orders
if you'd know about him. I was afraid that you'll leave my sister and stay with me
just because we have a child."

He nodded again, weak, this time. "I should've just forced you to go to the
hospital with me on our...last date. Sana, hindi nangyari 'to."

"I did break up with your sister after that...kahit hindi naman talaga kami. So,
with or without a child, I would have chosen you."

Nanaig muli ang katahimikan at kalungkutan. Mabilis niyang pinalis ang kaniyang mga
luha. Of course, it will take him time to fully absorb the passing of our child.

Matagal na panahon bago ko iyon tuluyang natanggap, at may mga pagkakataon pa rin
talagang nanghihinayang at naiingit ako tuwing may makikitang mga batang kasama ang
mga ina nila.

I would fucking trade everything for my son—my surname, the wealth, the standing in
the social hierarchy...name it. Kung ganoon lamang kadali, ginawa ko na. Kung kay
hihilingin man ako, iyon ay ang mabuhay ang anak ko—namin.

"Liju was there because I availed their services. They have a group of private
investigators. I didn't expect that she'll be the one to deliver these files."

Tumayo siya at inabot sa 'kin iyon. Nanuyo ata ang lalamunan ko nang makitang
medical records ko iyon, pati na rin larawan ng puntod, at iilang files mula sa New
York.
"Years ago, I already had suspicions that you were pregnant, but I didn't push it.
Umasa kasi ako na babalik ka dito at kasama mo ang anak natin. I'm sorry I had you
investigated. N-Naguluhan kasi ako kung bakit wala kang kasamang bata. I thought
you left our son in New York, but, turns out..."

Nanikip ang aking dibdib. He knelt in front of me. Inagaw niya ang mga papeles na
hawak ko at itinabi iyon sa gilid. He held my hands tight. Napansin ko ang naluluha
niyang mga mata. He blinked back the tears before continuing.

"You asked me to leave you, so I did. I respected your request to be alone. I could
have easily begged Dad to have you investigated but I didn't. But now that you're
back, and I am itching to know my child, hindi ko na napigilan. That's when my PI
found out that our son...didn't make it," he said, his last words almost a whisper.

Malungkot akong tumango. He sighed deeply and shook his head to himself. He slowly
stood up. Itinuon niya ang kaniyang palad sa aking sinasandalan at sinampa ang
tuhod sa tabi ng aking hita. He leaned in and planted a kiss on my forehead.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you...."

My heart melted like wax with his burning caress on my cheeks.

What now? It's done? Iyon na lang ba? Iyon naman talaga ang pinunta ko sa kaniya,
ang sabihin ang tungkol sa anak. After this, what happens next?

"I know that look. Stop thinking about leaving me—not again," mariin niyang sabi.
He carefully flicked my chin up with his index finger. Marahan akong tumango ngunit
napasimangot.

"Akala ko ba naka-move on ka na?" bulong ko. Nalukot ang kaniyang mukha roon at
umirap.

Ever since we were just students, what I thought we had was mediocre love, lagi na
kaming malabo. Our feelings for each other were just too overwhelming—laging nag-
uumapaw. It's like all we want was to be together that we skipped a lot of
important steps on getting there. Lagi kaming walang confirmation kung ano nga ba
kami.

My eyes automatically closed when he leaned and aimed for a kiss. His lips lazily
brushed against mine—shallow and chaste, careful and unhurried. Bahagya siyang
lumayo pagkatapos. He kept on licking his lower lip. His fingers continued to
caress my jaw, his thumb rested on my lower lip.

When he leaned again, I used my remaining force to press my palms against his
chest. Tumaas ang kaniyang kilay roon.

"W-What are we? I mean...we're old. We can't settle for something without labels,
anymore," nahihiya kong sabi.

He smirked. "Really? I thought we are doing the boyfriend-girlfriend thing way back
college?"

Sumimangot ako. "Ang labo mo kaya. Ni hindi ko alam kung ano talaga tayo noon. You
know the issue with..." I didn't bother saying my twin's name.

He chuckled. "Okay, then. Whatever that was, it was worth it. It was worth risking
all my cards for you.... Kahit pa sinasabi mong walang matinong label iyon."

Umilag akong muli. His lips crashed on my cheeks instead. Sinamaan niya ako ng
tingin. Now, he looks frustrated!

"But we can't have that type of relationship, anymore. I want it clear and with no
lies now. Whatever it was that we had before, I...I think we should...upgrade a
little?" saad ko sa maliit na boses.

He laughed at my choice of words. "Well, whatever that was, I wouldn't trade

anything for it, but of course, this time, no lies...no secrets... pure, and raw,
sweetheart. We'll try again."

He groaned when his attempt to kiss me failed again. This time, it landed on the
side of my lips.

"Ano muna tayo, Adonis?" pagmamaktol ko. He smiled and pinched my nose.

"Well, do you still love me? Hmm?" mababa niyang tanong.

Nahampas ko ang kaniyang dibdib. I earned a lazy chuckle from him. Dahan-dahan
akong tumango at ramdam ko ang pag-iinit ng pisngi.

"Well, I love you, too...so..." Tinaas niya ang isang kilay.

Napanguso ako. "Isn't this too fast?"

"We've been through a lot already. Now that everything is clear and forgiven, why
wait? We don't need to complicate things, sweetheart. We already wasted years, I
don't want to waste more."

I scrunched my face. "Gano'n? Tayo na agad?"

He chuckled at my question. Kinalabit niya ang aking ilong.

"Ikaw bahala. Ayaw mo na ba talaga akong ligawan? Sasagutin na sana kita e," he
said with a playful smirk.

☽☾

Chapter 41

thanks for being with her this far. this is the last chapter written in e's pov.
lengthy, but i do hope you have patience to take in every word. xx.

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti39
chapter thirty-nine

SINIRA NG AKING pagbahing ang aking mahimbing na tulog. I immediately covered my

nose and mouth. Sinubukan kong umupo ngunit ang mabigat na braso ni Adonis ay
nakadantay sa aking bewang.

He stirred. He hummed in his sleep and inched closer to me. His soft locks felt
ticklish against my neck. Dahan-dahan kong inalis ang kaniyang mabigat na braso. I
immediately pulled the closest pillow and put it on the place where I left. He's
still in deep sleep, lips parted as he makes little breathing noises. Saglit akong
sumampa sa kabilang gilid ng kama at hinalikan ang kaniyang pisngi.
Napangiti ako habang pinagmamasdan siyang payapang natutulog. My index finger
carefully touched the faint birthmark just above his right eyebrow, then down to
trace his jawline. He looked more mature with his darker stubbles. Marahan kong
ginalaw ang kaniyang pilikmata. Nang bahagya siyang mag-react doon ay tinigilan ko
na dahil baka magising pa siya.

Kinuha ko ang aking clutch bag. Una kong tinext si Dad dahil sigurado akong
hahanapin niya ako sa kaniyang paggising. Sumilip ako sa bintana at napansing
makulimlim ang umaga.

Nagtungo muna ako sa kusina at doon na naghilamos. I reached for the paper bag his
secretary brought last night. Kinuha ko iyong toothbrush na naroon. I checked out
Mirae's update on her site and IG while brushing my teeth. Kagabi lamang iyon
ngunit umabot na ng 2.5 million ang likes. Hindi na ako magtataka kung matambakan
na naman ako ng modelling requests na tatanggihan. Mirae has been advertising me
for years, but now that people figured out that I'm finally working with a brand,
siguradong may maghahanap na sa agency ko.

Binuksan ko ang kaniyang fridge. Kumuha lang ako ng baso at nagsalin ng tubig. I am
starving, but he's still sleeping so maybe I'll just wait.

Halos mabitiwan ko ang baso nang dumagundog ang kaniyang boses sa buong unit.
Napamura ako nang mabasa ang sweater niya na suot ko dahil sa tubig na bahagyang
natapon. Inilapag ko agad iyon sa counter at magtutungo pa lamang sa kwarto ngunit
sinalubong na agad ako ni Adonis sa may entrada ng kusina.

He was panting. Kumunot ang noo ko at tinapik ang kaniyang pisngi. Mabilis niyang
ipinulupot ang kaniyang braso sa aking bewang. He rested his forehead on my right
shoulder.

"Ayos ka lang? Nanaginip ka?" nag-aalala kong tanong. Naramdaman ko ang kaniyang
pag-iling. I cocked my head to the side to see him clearly. Napapikit lamang siya
nang mariin. Lalo niyang siniksik ang kaniyang sarili sa akin.

"Huy," saad ko dahil hindi siya umiimik. Bahagya siyang lumayo ngunit nanatiling
nakayuko. I held his chin up and forced him to look at me. Ang putla niya!

"Anyare sa 'yo?" tanong kong muli. His frown deepened. Mukha siyang batang inagawan
ng candy.

"Hindi mo ako ginising," nagtatampo niyang sabi.

"Ang sarap kasi ng tulog mo. Inaantok ka pa ata, matulog ka pa."

Mabilis ang kaniyang pag-iling. "Baka mamaya paggising ko, nasa kabilang panig ka
na naman ng mundo."

I clicked my tongue. Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko roon. I just gave him a tight-
lipped smile and tip-toed a little to kiss his cheeks. Lihim akong napatawa sa
mabilis na pag-akyat ng kulay sa kaniyang tainga.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang nagbago ang mood niya. Nagmukha siyang suplado
bigla. He showed me his left cheek.

"Dito rin," utos niya. I chuckled and quickly planted a soft kiss there.

Bumalik na ang kaniyang ngisi. "Ako naman," he said and dipped his face without
warning. I sucked in my breath as he nipped my lower lip.
Nahampas ko ang kaniyang dibdib na nagpahiwalay sa kaniya. He chuckled. Impit ang
tili ko nang buhatin niya ako at isinampa sa kahoy na lamesa. His hands gripped my
knees and forced them apart as he stood in between them.

"Tumigil ka nga!" saad ko at natawa sa bahagyang pagkakiliti ng kaniyang buhok sa

aking leeg.

"Five years is no joke, sweetheart," he said while planting kisses on my shoulders.

Kinurot ko ang kaniyang braso dahil ayaw niya akong tigilan.

"'Wag nga ako! Sino'ng niloloko mo? Nakapagtiis ka ng limang taon? Walang
anything?" tanong ko. He chuckled on my shoulders.

"Wala nga," aniya, bahagyang natatawa pa. Hindi ko tuloy mawari kung nagbibiro siya
o hindi. I slapped his forearm.

"Umamin ka na. Wala naman sa 'kin 'yon," saad ko. Totoo naman. I was expecting the
worst, even. Isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit hindi ako sumilip sa social media
accounts ko habang nag-aaral sa New York ay dahil sa takot na baka makita kong may
iba na siya. I mean, it's highly likely that he'll get me replaced! Especially that
all he has to do is choose among the girls lining up for him. Walang effort!

"Wala nga. Kulit," aniya at nanggigigil na pinisil ang aking ilong. Tinampal ko
kaagad ang kaniyang kamay. Tinukod niya ang kaniyang magkabilang kamay sa lamesa,
kinukulong ako sa kaniyang bisig.

He had his lazy smirk painted over his lips. Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. Umiling
siyang muli at kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi na tila may pinipigilang kung ano.

"Seryoso?" kuryoso kong tanong. He nodded. Hindi mawala ang kaniyang ngisi.

Kumunot ang noo ko. "E pa'no?"

Natawa siyang muli. "Alin? Paano ang ano?"

Napanguso ako. "How did you...survive?" I laughed at my own choice of words.

Tumaas parehas ang kaniyang kilay. "Well, you did left me with vivid memories...and
I have my hands—"

Malakas kong nahampas ang kaniyang braso. Lumakas ang kaniyang tawa at umisod nang
itinulak ko. Pakiramdam ko'y pulang-pula ang mukha ko roon. Nagtungo ako sa counter
at binalikan ang tubig kong 'di ko naubos.

"What? You asked! Sumagot lang naman ako!" aniya mula sa aking likuran.

Inirapan ko lamang siya. Inilapag ko ang baso sa sink at naghilamos muli.

Nilagpasan ko lamang siya at nanatili ang pagngingising-aso niya. I wiped my face
with the ends of his sweater. Tinampal ko agad ang kaniyang kamay na mabilis na
namalagi sa aking balat na bahagyang sumilip.

"I'll get us breakfast!" pahabol niya bago pa man ako makaalis sa kusina nang
tuluyan.

I made myself comfortable in his living room. Nag-check ulit ako ng e-mails at
tiningnan kung alin sa mga projects ang pwede kong i-accept. I can't accept long-
term projects, yet. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay babalik kami ng New York pagkatapos ng
kung anoman ang inaasikaso ni Dad dito.
Kumunot ang noo ko sa sunod-sunod na mensahe ni France. He wouldn't text this much
if this isn't emergency. Sinabi ko naman kasi sa kaniya na hindi ako pala-text na
tao.

I scrolled up through his several messages saying 'please.' Nang makarating sa

pinakadulo ay saka ko lamang nalaman kung para saan iyon.

France:

Nag-cancel 'yung model ni MH! Sa isang araw na yun. Walang pumapasa ka Mary na
ipapalit. Pwedeng ikaw na lang?

I sighed. Alam kong mataas ang tingin nila sa akin ngunit hindi ako confident sa
sarili ko. Modeling isn't my forte. Walang-wala ako sa highest paid models ng
agency. Kaya nga sa brochure lang ako pumapayag dahil doon ay hindi ako maglalakad!
Baka mamaya e madapa ako sa sobrang kaba!

But then, this might cost him his job. I sighed before assuring him that I'll cover
up for the sick model he's talking about.

Emmanuelle:

Fitting mamaya?

France:

Yes. HQ ulit. Around 1 PM. Thank you talaga.

Emmanuelle:

No problem.

Mayamaya lamang ay dumating na si Adonis sa salas. Siya ang tumanggap sa kumakatok

sa pinto. Inilapag niya ang isang tray sa center table. I immediately reached for
the espresso con panna, Mirae and I's usual breakfast in New York.

"What's your schedule for today?" tanong niya at pinilit akong kuhanin iyong
clubhouse sandwich.

"Akala ko ba busy ka?" tanong ko, walang halong panunuya. He scoffed.

"Ano naman? Girlfriend naman kita, 'di ba?" diretsahan niyang sabi. Mabuti na lang
at hindi ako nabilaukan sa kinakain.

"Magsusukat ako mamaya, saka baka mag-practice ng lakad. I don't want to fail such
big brand."

"Sasama ako. Anong oras?" seryoso niyang tanong, hindi talaga papatalo.

"Ala una. I have to go home and change," sabi ko, bahagyang nagpapasaring na gusto
ko nang umuwi. Tumaas ang kilay niya roon.

"I'll have your clothes delivered here. Ihahatid na kita," aniya.

Umiling ako agad. Iba talaga ang pakiramdam ko sa banyo niya. Pakiramdam ko may
nanonood sa 'kin, or I'm just imagining things. Ano ba'ng iniisip ko? Na papasok
siya bigla habang naliligo ako? What the heck?

"I have my things at home, and Dad is looking for me."

He nodded slowly. I think I got him by the mention of my father. Well, we still
need our relationship to be legal. That part, we can't skip. It's a must.

"Ihahatid kita sa inyo at susunduin ka ulit mamaya," aniya. That wasn't a question
or an invitation. Pinal iyon na mukhang hindi ko na pwedeng baliin.

AFTER HAVING BREAKFAST, hinatid niya nga ako sa bahay. I was about to leave his car
when someone knocked on the window. Nagkatinginan kami ni Adonis habang si Dad ay
nakapamewang sa labas.

He hissed. Huminga siya nang malalim at tiningnan ako na tila nangungusap.

Nagkibit-balikat lamang ako dahil hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ako inaabangan ni
Dad sa labas e alam naman niya ang rason kung bakit hindi ako nakauwi agad.

"I'll talk to your father," aniya. He reached for my hand and squeezed it.

"Sigurado ka?" tanong ko dahil mukhang kabadong-kabado siya. Well, dapat lang. Dad
knew him as Emmarie's boyfriend. Kahit na naikwento ko na kay Dad ang buong
pangyayari, siguradong may 'bad blood' pa rin siya kahit papaano kay Adonis.

"Yeah. Go now. Mababasag ata ang salamin ng sasakyan ko sa tingin niya," aniya at
nerbyosong tumawa.

Sabay kaming lumabas ng sasakyan. I kissed Dad on the cheeks, hoping that it will
be enough to calm him down, ngunit hindi sa akin nakapukol ang tingin niya, kundi
sa lalaki sa aking likuran.

"Go inside," mahina ngunit mariin nitong sabi. Nilingon ko si Adonis na bahagyang
nakayuko. He shot me a look. I just smiled apologetically at him before leaving
them there.

Nilingon ko ulit sila bago ako tuluyang pumasok. I wonder what are they talking
about. Kahit na sinabi na sa 'kin ni Dad na pumapayag siyang balikan ko si Adonis,
hindi ko sigurado kung palalagpasin niya pa rin ang mga nangyari noon. I just hope
he doesn't scare him to death.

Umakyat ako sa kwarto. Mirae was talking to someone on her phone but she
immediately ended it when she saw me enter my room. Kumunot ang noo ko roon.

"Sino'ng kausap mo?" I asked. Umiling lamang siya. She showed me her laptop.
Tiningnan ko iyon at nakita ang photo retouching na ginawa niya sa kaniyang shoot.
She turned the wedding dress pink to match my hair. Nagmukha tuloy iyong pang-pre
nuptial shoot talaga dahil pati ang background ay nag-iba. Mula sa dressing room ay
ginawa niya iyong hardin.

"Ang ganda," puri ko. Mayabang siyang ngumiti sa akin.

"Of course, it's my creation," she said proudly. Umirap lamang ako sa kaniya.

"Sasama ka ba mamaya? May fitting ulit. Saka, isasama na daw ako sa ramp sa isang
araw gawa nung na-confine na model."

She shook her head, eyes still focused on her laptop. "Susunod na lang ako.
And...ramp? You better do good, Emmanuelle. I'm getting the VIP seats," aniya.

Nakapagtataka lang na hindi niya ako ini-interview gaya ng inaasahan ko. Inaabangan
ko ang sunod-sunod niyang pagtatanong kung nasaan ako kahapon at kagabi ngunit wala
ni isang tanong ang dumating. It's rare that Mirae is shutting up. It's either may
alam siya o hindi siya interesado. The latter is impossible. Pero, paano naman niya
malalaman? Maybe Dad told her?

I checked my phone when it buzzed. Binasa ko ang text galing kay France, saying
that there's a change in schedule at may ipapadala daw na bagong gown doon, iyong
pang-finale na kailangan ko agad isukat para malaman kung may babaguhin. The
calltime was adjusted to lunch time. Sagot na raw nila ang lunch pati ng buong team
na naroon.

Nagmamadali ako at dahil pabor naman sa akin ang weird na kinikilos ni Mirae ay
pinabayaan ko na lang. After a long and relaxing warm shower, I simply wore a black
button-down dress, tube top and fitted shorts inside. Lalo na at ipagpapatuloy
namin ang fitting mamaya, mahirap magbihis. I'm not that comfortable with people
looking at me with nothing but my undergarments. Kung si Mirae, ay ayos lang,
ngunit may kasama kasi kaming stylist at baka ang buong glam team pa. Kay France
naman, nagsisimula pa lang akong mag-adjust.

Mirae was really busy for some unknown reason. Wala naman siyang tinatrabaho bukod
sa pag-aayos ng sariling website kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit parang hindi ko siya
maabala. Kanina pa siya tutok sa laptop at hindi makausap. Mahina rin ang boses
niya kapag makikipag-usap sa telepono o kaya naman ay lalayo siya na parang ayaw
iparinig sa akin.

Napapitlag ako nang padabog niyang buksan ang pinto patungo sa balcony. Tinanaw ko
siya sa salaming material at napansin na sumisigaw na siguro siya base sa kaniyang
hitsura. Pasimple akong nagtungo sa kama at sumilip sa kaniyang laptop. Babahagya
ko pa lamang naaaninag iyon ay naisara na niya agad. Ni hindi ko namalayan na
nakapasok na siya ulit!

"I am not bringing you as a date! Pwede ba?!" sigaw niya sa kausap niya. Sinamaan
niya ako ng tingin at niyakap ang sariling laptop. I looked her, questioning her
for her outburst.

Ni hindi ko man lang nabasa nang buo iyong pangalan ng site. I think it's a flower
shop or something. Ang heading image kasi ay bulaklak. Maybe it's a project she'll
be working on? Pero bakit prang ang defensive naman ata ng pagkakasara niya ng
laptop na akala mo'y bumibili siya ng drugs sa internet?

She sighed. "I fucking hate you so much," may gigil niyang sabi. "'Wag kang male-
late kundi ay sisirain ko talaga ang buhay mo," iyon ang kaniyang huling sinabi
bago ibato ang kaniyang phone sa kutson. Sinandal niya ang kaniyang ulo sa
headboard. She's red with frustration.

"Who's that?" maingat kong tanong. She exasperatedly sighed.

"The things I do for you," mariin niyang sabi at pinanlakihan ako ng mata.

"Ha?" I didn't quite get what she said. She only rolled her eyes and put the laptop
on her beside table. Mayamaya ay nakita ko ang pagsimangot niya.

"O? Bakit?" tanong ko at lumapit. Inipod ko ang kaniyang legs at tumabi sa kaniya.
She pouted, the same look she's sporting whenever she's about to cry, like the last
time she tripped at the steps of Metropolitan Museum of Art, at sabi niya nga, she
almost died of humiliation.

Inipit niya ang buong katawan ko sa kaniyang yakap. Kumunot ang noo ko at hinayaan
na lamang siya.

"Let's go to The Box and get drunk, please," aniya.

I scoffed. "Seryoso? Anong tingin mo sa New York? Isang jeep lang ang layo?"

She rested her chin on my arm and looked up at me. Umiling siya at lalong humigpit
ang yakap.

"Bakit ba?" tanong ko, natatawa at naguguluhan sa kaniyang kinikilos.

"Promise me you won't forget about me," parang bata niyang sabi. Lalo lamang akong
naguluhan. Ano na namang sinasabi nito? How could I forget the only friend I made
while I'm in New York and mourning for the loss of my child and my sister?

"Syempre. Bakit naman ako makakalimot?" I said as I caressed her back.

Umiling lamang siya. Napabitiw siya sa akin nang may kumatok. Diretso ang tingin ko
sa kaniya. Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. She stuck her tongue out at me.

Pinagbuksan ko ang kung sinoman ang kumakatok. Dad looked at me with his serious
eyes.

"'Yong sundo mo, nasa baba na," aniya sa seryosong boses. I smiled at him, umaasa
na kaya ko siya sa pagpapa-cute ko. He only sighed and waved his hand to dismiss
me.

"Hindi ko na pinaalis. Kumain muna kayo ng tanghalian. Ikaw rin, Mirae."

"Can't. Male-late po ako," saad ko. Lalong tumalim ang kaniyang tingin sa 'kin.
See? I'm 25 already but he's still strict on certain cases.

"Sorry, Dad. Babawi ako, promise!" I kissed him on the cheeks before dashing to the
staircase.

"Dito kayo mag-dinner!" narinig ko ang pahabol niya.

Adonis was sitting on our living room couch while playing with his car keys. Tumaas
ang kilay ko. I'm expecting him to be sweating a lot and pale as a vampire by now,
lalo na't hindi pala siya pinaalis ni Dad.

"Tayo na," saad ko sa kaniya. Tumaas ang kaniyang tingin sa akin. His eyes slowly
scanned what I'm wearing.

"Hindi ba talaga nakabutones 'yan?" aniya at tinuro ang huling butones sa may
laylayan.

"Mahirap maglakad," saad ko. Nalukot ang kaniyang mukha roon. He rolled his eyes
before standing up. Nilingon ko ang tinitingnan niya at nakita si Dad doon na
nakamasid sa 'min.

Dad pointed his two fingers on his eyes and flicked it back to Adonis. Si Adonis
naman ay pabiro siyang sinaluduhan. His hand immediately went to its usual position
on my waist as we exited.

"Himala ata. Bakit parang hindi ka na kinakabahan?" tanong ko pagkalabas.

"Ubos na 'yong kaba ko. Inubos na niya kanina."

My brows furrowed. Pinagbuksan niya muna ako ng pinto bago siya dumiretso sa
driver's seat. "What do you mean?" tanong ko pagpasok niya.
He started the engine. Nilingon niya ako saglit. He formed a gun with his left hand
and pointed it to his forehead.

"He pointed a gun at me while saying that he has no problems with me anymore.
Ironic," aniya at bahagyang natawa.

Nanlaki maman ang mata ko roon. A gun?! Ni hindi ko alam na may baril pala sa
bahay! Imposible namang pellet gun 'yon, 'di ba? Mas weird siguro kung may pellet
gun si Dad. Aanhin niya 'yon? Makikipaglaro sa bata sa labas?

Naguguluhan man ay hindi na ako umimik. Nai-stress lang talaga ako para kay Adonis.
Mahihimatay ata ako kapag tinutukan ng baril. At para saan naman kaya 'yun?
Talagang tinakot siya para makabawi?

NANG MAKARATING SA HQ ay sinalubong ako ni France. Well, his eyes are at Adonis.
Halos madapa na siya dahil may medyo mataas na bakal bago ang lift na hindi niya
napansin dahil hindi siya tumitingin sa dinadaanan niya.

"You'll stay?" tanong ko kay Adonis na nililibot ang tingin sa paligid. He nodded.

"Won't miss it. I wanna see you in a wedding dress," mahina niyang sabi. Kanina pa
nakatingin sa 'min si France kaya naman ipinakilala ko muna.

Nauna si Adonis na umalis sa lift dahil busy siya sa pagtingin sa paligid. Si

France naman ay niyugyog ang aking braso habang hindi nakatingin 'yung isa.

"Shet. 'Di na 'ko maghuhugas ng kamay," malagkit niyang ani dahil nag-shake hands
sila kanina. I laughed at his reaction. Napalingon tuloy sa akin si Adonis. He
extended his hand towards me. Narinig ko ang pagmumura ni France nang tanggapin ko
ang kamay ni Adonis at mabilis na pinagsiklop iyon.

Dahil inaayos pa raw ang backstage para sa mga isusukat ko ay doon muna kami sa
mock stage pumunta. They set up a runway, complete with lights and some cameras, at
isang screen kung saan napo-project ang anomang nakikita ng lens. I saw some models
looking at our direction when we came.

"Sasama ka ba sa backstage? O dito ka na lang?" tanong ko kay Adonis. Ang tingin

niya ay nasa runway. Sumimangot ako nang makitang may nag-pa-practice doon,
nakasuot ng isa sa mga gowns na isinukat ko na para sa brochure. He slowly shifted
his gaze to me.

"Who's going to be with you backstage?"

"Stylists and France. Si France lang ang lalaki, biologically speaking," saad ko.
He nodded firmly before looking around again. Napansin ko na ang pagtingin sa
kaniya ng ilang modelo na naroon sa baba.

"Dito na lang ako," aniya.

Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata na hindi naman niya napansin dahil tutok siya sa
panonood. I rolled my eyes when I saw the wedding gown being modeled. Sobrang taas
ng slit n'on, baka mabulunan ang pari habang nagsesermon sa kasal.

"'Kay. Bahala ka," I plainly said. Nakita ko ang bahagyang pag-angat ng gilid ng
kaniyang labi. Hindi ko napigilan na mahaluan ng bahagyang inis ang pag-alis ng
aking kamay sa kaniya.

He chuckled and immediately caught up with my fast-paced walking. "Sasama ako. I

can smell your jealousy," aniya.
"I'm not jealous. Diyan ka na lang," saad ko habang hinahanap ang pangalan ko sa
mga pinto.

"Ayaw ko nga. Ito naman, ang bilis magbago ng mood. Buntis ka na ba agad? Wala pa
namang nangyayari sa 'tin ulit a," aniya at humalakhak.

Hinarap ko siya at sinuntok sa braso. Sinapo niya iyon ngunit tawa pa rin siya nang
tawa.

Sinama ko na siya sa loob. Dalawang racks na lang ang naroon dahil inilipat na sa
ibang kwarto ng models 'yung isang rack na tapos ko na i-fit.

Mukhang na-orient na sila ni France na may kasama ako. I didn't mind them ogling at
Adonis even when he's just sitting at the couch in the corner. I feel like he emits
a different kind of charisma based on his clothes. Simpleng cream na Henley shirt
at dark na maong lang ang suot niya at pakiramdam ko'y ibang tao siya kumpara sa
naka-corporate attire. He reminds me of the Adonis way back in college when he's in
his casual clothes.

Panakanaka ko siyang sinusulyapan. I saw him raise one brow when I took off my
clothes and France helped me slip in a wedding gown with a sweetheart neckline. He
shifted on his seat, legs parted and eyes dark as he watched me attentively. Sa 'di
malamang dahilan ay bigla akong kinabahan.

In between the fitting of several gowns, France taught me how to walk and project.
Inisip ko na lamang na wala si Adonis sa paligid dahil kada magtatama ang mata
namin, pakiramdam ko'y madadapa ako kahit na three inches lang naman ang pumps na
suot ko.

I sat in front of the mirror. May ipinapasok kasi silang gown na naka-mannequin pa
at mukhang ingat na ingat ang mga nagdala n'on sa loob. Good thing the room is
spacious, dahil ang laylayan ng gown na iyon ay sobra ang espasyo na inokupa. I
can't help but gape at the delicate lace details of the skirt. Tinanggal ni France
ang plastik na nakasaklob sa bust part ng mannequin.

"Wow," hindi ko na napigilan.

Starting from the off-shoulder top down to the waist was a nice shade of muted
pink, pababa ay gradient effect hanggang sa maging puti. It wasn't as sparkly as
the other bridal gowns I tried on, but it was the most beautiful, at least for me.
Puro iyon embroidery at lace, may iilan lamang na bato sa may duluhan ng medyo
palobong skirt.

"This is for the finale?" tanong ko at nilapitan iyon. I carefully traced the
intricate details. The bust part was full of spray roses of various shades of pink
made from a certain type of cloth. There's a wide white ribbon for the waistband,
which served as a transition from roses to the embroidery of million star baby's
breath, with a few shining silver stones, and more lacy details.

"Yes.Ang ganda pala talaga," komento ni France. I nodded. Mukhang parehas kaming
nabighani doon. I can't believe I had the honour to wear this!

"Isukat mo na! Bilis!" excited na saad ni France at maingat na tinanggal ang criss-
cross na ribbon nito sa likuran. I just hope it's not heavy.

Nilingon ko ang sarili sa salamin. The stylist we are with put my hair up in a bun,
showing my collarbones and a part of my chest because of the off-shoulder type of
neckline. Sinubukan kong maglakad habang suot iyon ngunit mabagal lamang.
"It fits you perfectly like a glove! Wow!" France exclaimed.

"Mukha ka nang ikakasal. Kakulay pa ng buhok mo," saad ngisang stylist.

Natigil ang kanilang pagha-hype sa damit nang tumindig si Adonis at lumapit.

Mistulan silang dagat na nahati sa gitna dahil sa paglapit niya.

He slowly scanned my entirety. Inayos niya pa ang laylayan ng gown at walang

pakialam sa mga taong nakatingin sa kaniya. When he shot them a look, they all went
away and pretended to do something.

"Maganda ba?" tanong ko. He slowly nodded.

"Bagay sa'yo," mahina niyang sabi. Kumunot ang noo ko sa seryoso niyang tono.

"What? Pink doesn't suit me? Sabi ni Mirae mas bagay daw sa 'kin ang peach," saad
ko. He smiled a little at that.

"Hindi, ah. It's fine. Anything's fine. I don't mind. You're always beautiful for
me," he said. Napanguso ako roon.

Kinabahan ako nang may ilabas siya sa kaniyang bulsa. Napansin ko rin na napatingin
sa kaniya ang mga tao sa loob.

"Huy, magpo-propose ka ba? Hindi na kailangan. Lagyan mo na lang ako ng singsing,"

pagbibiro ko at inilahad sa kaniya ang aking kamay. He bit his lower lip and raised
both his brows at me. Mahina siyang napahalakhak.

"Really?"

Tumango ako. "Oo nga. Yes na naman agad ang sagot e. Sabi mo nagsayang na tayo ng
ilang taon, 'di ba? 'Wag ka na magsayang ng minuto sa pagtatanong. Lagyan mo na
lang ng singsing, tapos!" saad ko. He smiled at that. Bahagya akong kinabahan dahil
baka nga hindi siya nagbibiro.

"Wait, you're not going to propose, yet, right?" maliit ang boses ko nang itanong
iyon. He licked his lower lip. Sinuntok ko ang kaniyang baso dahil ayaw niyang
tigilan ang pa-suspense.

He lazily chuckled. Kinalabit niya ang aking ilong. "Not yet. I'm just teasing
you," aniya.

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag doon. Binibiro ko lang naman siya. But, I did mean it
that I'll definitely say yes to him.

"But, I really have something here," aniya.

The familiar velvet angel-shaped box appeared right in front of me. Binuksan niya
iyon at pinahawak sa akin ang box. Kinapa ko ang pamilyar na word pendant nang
pumwesto siya sa aking likuran para isuot iyon sa akin.

"That's better," he breathed when he went in front of me. There's a content smile
on his lips as he stared at the necklace. Nilabanan ko ang luhang sumabay sa
biglaang pagbuhos ng alaala.

I remember the day he gave this to me, the day I hid this on my cabinet, and the
day I forced him to take it away from me. And now, after five long years, it's back
with me again. Like no matter what happens, or to whose hands this necklace might
fell on, it will find its way back to me. It will return to me. Always.

Mistulang lahat ay nakatigil at nanonood sa 'min na tila kami nasa isang pelikula.
Nabali lamang iyon nang may kumatok sa pinto at binuksan iyon. Pare-parehas kaming
nabigla, and while everyone's attention is on the director who just came in, Adonis
quickly stole a kiss from me.

France helped me slip out of the dress and put it back in the mannequin. Tinawag
kami at in-orient sa pagkakasunod-sunod at ang assigned dresses na isusuot. Before
the finale, they said that there will be a five-minute difference between the last
gown and the pink one that I will wear. Hindi ko alam kung para saan iyon.

Gabi na kami natapos. I'm tired, and hungry. Hindi ko na nakain ang binigay ni
France sa 'kin na lunch kanina dahil gusto ko nang tapusin lahat ng ifi-fit para sa
brochure.

"Tired?" tanong ni Adonis. His other hand rested on my thigh while he's driving.

I scrunched my face and nodded. Nananakit din ang legs ko dahil sa kalalakad. Kada
may magkakamali kasi ay pauulitin sa simula dahil nga sa isang araw na ito.

"Ikaw? Don't you have work, too?" tanong ko dahil maghapon ko siyang kasama. I saw
him answering some calls while I'm on the ramp. Baka kailangan siya sa trabaho. And
like the usual, he ditches it for something unimportant that involves me. I don't
like it that way.

"Nope. Cleared my sched for the week. Moved all my meetings next week. So, I'll
probably be very busy by next week. You can always drop by my unit or my office
whenever you like. I informed them already."

Tumango ako. Ngayon ay naisip ko kung pa'no kapag babalik na kami sa New York.
Hindi ko talaga malaman kay Dad kung ano ang plano niya. Si Mirae ay baka magtagal
pa rito dahil gusto niyang bumisita sa Laguna at bumili rin ng unit dito para may
sarili siyang tinutuluyan.

"Pa'no 'pag bumalik ako sa New York?" tanong ko. I sounded like a teenager scared
of an LDR type of relationship. Mahirap na't ang alam talaga ng halos lahat ay
single si Adonis.

"Inform me. I'll go there with you,"aniya na tila siguradong-sigurado.

"Talaga?" I probed. He nodded. He brought my hand to his lips and planted a soft
kiss on the back of my palm.

"Of course. I'll make you miss me first, though," aniya at ngumisi. I slightly
smacked his face because of that.

NANG MAKARATING SA bahay ay nagtataka ako kung bakit may isa pang sasakyang nasa
labas. Napansin din iyon ni Adonis ngunit tila walang pakialam at inaasahan na
iyon.

Nabigla ako nang makita ang mga tao sa hapag. Mirae waved at me and wiggled her
brows. Saglit akong natigilan ngunit agad na lumapit sa ina ni Adonis at
nakipagbeso. I bowed slightly to his father before kissing Dad on the cheeks.
Pakiramdam ko nga'y malalaglag ako sa upuan sa sobrang kaba at pagkabigla. What the
hell are they doing here?

Adonis kissed his mother on the cheeks before sitting beside me. Napapagitnaan nila
ako ni Mirae. His Mom is directly across me, and his Dad was across Mirae. Si Dad
ay nasa gitna ng long table, ang usual niyang pwesto.

I looked at Adonis who seemed so calm about this dinner. Hindi ako makaimik. They
are just talking about business before the food was served. Siniko ako ni Mirae.

"You look stupid. Umayos ka," mahina niyang bulong. I shifted on my seat and sat
properly. Even Mirae can join the conversation! Ako lang itong tahimik!

Mabuti na lang at hindi naman nila ako pinilit na isali sa usapan. Lagi kong
nahuhuli ang tatay ni Adonis na nakatingin sa 'kin ngunit hindi naman umiimik.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit sila narito. Mabuti na lang
at umalis din sila agad pagkatapos. Saglit na nagpaiwan si Adonis para mag-usap
kami.

"You look pale," aniya na tila nang-aasar. I rolled my eyes at him. I'm sure his
parents knew that Emmarie was his girlfriend! Hindi ko alam kung alam na ba nila
kung ano'ng mayroon sa amin nitong anak nila.

"Hindi ko naman inasahan 'yon!" depensa ko. He chuckled and pulled me for a chaste
kiss. Nang marinig ang tikhim ni Dad ay mabilis niyang nakagat ang labi.

"Good night," bulong niya. Natawa ako dahil mukha siyang kriminal na nahuli ng
pulis na may ginagawang krimen.

"Night," tipid kong sabi bago siya hayaang makaalis.

THE NEXT DAY, I woke up without Mirae. Sabi ni Dad ay nagpaalam daw ito na may
aasikasuhin. I can't believe that she told Dad but did not even leave me a note!

"What's the suit for?" tanong ko dahil sinusukatan si Dad.

"I just want a new suit, bawal ba?" pamimilosopo sa 'kin ng sarili kong ama.
Napailing na lamang ako.

I have a scheduled ramp practice for today. Adonis texted me early that he can't go
and I understood. Baka may emergency lang sa trabaho.

Hindi ako kumain dahil nagfa-fasting ako para sa main event bukas. France suggested
that I go to the gym and do light workouts just to maintain my figure, ngunit baka
hindi ko naman maisama sa schedule ko iyon kung sakaling tumanggap na ulit ako ng
clients at bumalik sa graphic designing.

Mabilisang pagpapalit ng damit ang aming ginagawa sa backstage dahil nag-utos ang
director ng practice na may kasama ng damit. Kahit na kinakabahan na baka matapakan
ko ang sariling palda ay nagpanggap na lang ako na hindi. For sure, on the big day
tomorrow, kalat ang press. Hindi ako pwedeng mapahiya sa publiko. Nakakahiya iyon
at patay ako kay Mirae.

I kind of grew disappointed when Adonis and Mirae didn't even text me even for once
the whole day. Ni hindi naka-reply si Adonis sa mga text ko sa kaniya noong break.
Maybe he really have something to attend to. Si Mirae ay hindi ko alam kung ano ang
pinagkakaabalahan sa buhay.

NANG MAKAUWI AKOay tulog na si Mirae. I knocked at Dad's room. Hinayaan niya akong
magbukas n'on. I saw him wearing a black suit. Kumunot ang noo ko sa pink na
necktie non. Cute.

"Ang bilis naman? Kaninang umaga lang po 'to, 'di ba?" tanong ko habang inaayos ang
kaniyang cuffs.

"This was already made, pina-adjust ko lang. The tie is only made today, though.
Maganda ba?" tanong niya. I nodded. Natutuwa talaga ako sa pagka-pink non at ang
maliliit na burda ng dahon na kulay dark pink.

Dad cupped my cheeks and kissed my forehead hard. Napalingon ako sa kaniya dahil
doon. He smiled sweetly at me.

"Go to sleep. Big day tomorrow, right?" mabagal niyang ani.

"Yep," sagot ko. Niyakap ko muna siya bago nagtungo sa sariling kwarto.

KINABUKASAN AY WALA na naman si Mirae sa aking tabi. This time, she left me a note,
though. Mabuti naman, kung hindi ay masasabunutan ko na siya.

I have things to do. Sorry I slept early last night. I was busy and tired.

Good luck today! I love you!!! Don't forget about me. xx Mirae

Pagbaba ko ay wala rin si Dad. Sabi ay maaga raw itong umalis. Kaya naman,
nagpahatid na lang ako kay Kuya Edu sa venue ng show. Tinanghali na ako ng gising
kaya naman gumayak na ako agad at umalis.

I arrived two minutes late. Sa likurang entrance ako dumaan. Sabi ni France ay puno
na raw ng tao at media ang show kaya bawal na ako sumilip.

I slipped on my first gown. Mabilis na inayos ng stylist ang aking buhok. She
expertly put it up in a neat French twist. Kahit na ayaw ko ay kinailangang
tanggalin ang kwintas na bigay ni Adonis sa akin. She replaced it with a pearl and
slightly heavy one.

Three people are working with me. One was doing my make-up, the other busy with my
hair, and the last was in charge of the accessories and shoes. Pare-parehas din
siguro kaming kinakabahan.

I gained all my confidence backstage. I did my usual slow walks and turns like I
wasn't nervous at all. I hid my confusion when I saw the first rows empty. Wala
namang nakalagay na pangalan doon. Siguro'y sinadya talaga?

The whole ramp was covered with white flowers of varying sizes, both fake and real.
White silk ribbons hung from the ceiling. The ramp's frame was hugged by pink
roses. Understandable dahil bridal gowns naman ang line ni Mary.

Hindi ko ininda ang sunod-sunod na flash ng camera. There was slow, calming, and
mellow background music playing. My eyes stopped at Mirae who made her way towards
the front seats. She raised her thumb on me and silently clapped.

I only have three wedding gowns to wear for the ramp. Bale dalawang kasama sa line-
up at ang isang pang-finale. I was on my second gown when I almost halted on my
tracks when I saw my friends and my father at the front row—Adira, right beside
Diesel, the Marcellana siblings, my father, Mirae, Finn, and Van. Pinigilan ko ang
pagtawa nang pakitaan ako ni Van ng finger heart mula sa kaniyang pwesto.

As much as I would want to stare at them and ask them why are they here, I had to
do the job so I refrained myself from looking too much at them. Nang makababa na ay
maingat nilang tinanggal ang aking gown na suot.

Limang gowns pa naman bago ang finale kaya hindi sila masyadong nagmamadali.
Maingat na sinuot sa 'kin ni France ang off-shoulder na gown. Simpleng inayos lang
nang kaunti ang naka-French twist kong buhok. The silver chain necklace I wore for
the second gown was then replaced with the necklace Adonis gave me. Nagtataka ako
kung bakit iyon ang pinasuot sa 'kin.

"Bagay naman, sis," saad ni France dahil nabasa niya ata ang pagtataka sa aking
mukha. I thought I would be given the same designer necklace dahil pang-finale nga
iyong suot ko.

They made me wear a silver ear cuff with matching million star baby's breath.
Sinubukan kong maglakad pagkatapos nila akong ayusan. France clapped twice when the
go signal was given to me.

Nabigla ako nang may sumundo sa akin sa gilid ng ramp. Nanlaki ang aking mata
ngunit nginitian niya lamang ako. On his other hand was a wireless microphone. His
pale pink suit blended in with his fair skin.

"Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you...."

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit may ganitong pakulo. Umangkla na lamang ako sa
kaniyang braso hanggang sa makarating kami sa gitnang dulo ng ramp. Bumigat ang
aking paghinga nang makita ang lahat na nakatayo. My heart leaped when I saw
Adonis' Mom in a shimmery pink dress, standing next to her husband.

"Shall I stay? Would it be a sin if I can't help falling in love with you?"

Maxim's singing sounded like a lullaby. We were carefully walking on the ramp.
Kumabog ang aking dibdib nang makita ang hawak ni Dad na bouquet ng bulaklak.

"Like a river flows surely to the sea, darling so it goes: some things are meant to
be."

He flashed me his signature innocent smile. Bahagya niya akong kinabig at hinalikan
sa noo. He slowly let go of me and gave me to my father.

The bouquet looked familiar, of course, how can I forget the first bouquet I
received from Adonis? The pastel pink spray roses and million star baby's breath
wrapped in clear and textured fancy paper matched the dress I am wearing. Nanikip
ang dibdib ko sa nabubuong konklusyon sa aking isip.

"I'm sorry I wasn't a good father to you and I wasn't vocal enough to express my
feelings. But I am proud of who you are today, daughter. You'll always be my little
child, okay?" saad ni Dad habang naglalakad kami. I looked at him. I want him to
confirm what I am thinking.

Tuluyang nawala na ang aking pagpo-project na ginagawa kanina. Lalong nangilid ang
aking luha nang makita si Dad na umiiyak. He squeezed my hand tightly before
letting me go at the end of the ramp.

"Take my hand, take my whole life too for I can't help falling in love with
you...."

I watched as the screen showing the letters M and H for Mary's logo shifted into
something else. Napasinghap ako nang mapalitan iyon ng panibagong nakasulat.

Gorotizca-RevillanesEngagement Ceremony

Kasabay noon ang pag-ikot ng ilan nang may pumasok. Meters away, Adonis smiled at
me with tears in his eyes. Hindi niya inalintana ang sunod-sunod at walang tigil na
pag-flash ng camera sa kaniyang direksyon. He never broke our eye contact.

In his sleek deep cerise-hued suit and white inner shirt leaving three buttons
open, he sauntered the carpeted floor with his hands in his pockets. He held his
chin up, and I can see his heavy breathing based on the movement of his chest and
shoulders. He nodded at Maxim's direction. Nasa baba na si Dad na tinapik siya sa
balikat. His now crying Mom hugged him tight. I saw him whispering on her ear
before shifting his gaze on me.

I deeply sighed in attempt to fight back my own tears when he walked on the stairs
in the front ramp until he finally stood right in front of me.

"Like a river flows surely to the sea, darling so it goes: some things are meant to
be."

Abot-langit ang tahip ng aking puso sa loob ko. Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga
sariling luha. Wala na akong pakialam kung sakali mang mahulasan ang make-up na
suot ko.

He knelt. I covered my quivering lips with my palms as I cried harder. Narinig ko

ang kaniyang mahinang pagtawa. Mabilis kong pinalis ang luha at inilahad na sa
kaniya ang aking kamay.

"Take my hand, take my whole life, too, for I can't help falling in love with you."

Hinawakan niya lamang iyon. Nagpapadyak ako na parang batang nagta-tantrums habang
umiiyak. I heard some laughs from the crowd.

"Sabi ko, 'di ba? Ilagay mo na lang. 'Wag ka nang magtanong!" I said in between
sobs. Adonis chuckled but I saw him sniff.

He slowly took out something from his suit. Nabigla ako dahil bahagya iyong malaki
taliwas sa inaasahan. Lalo lang ata akong naiyak nang makita ang kulay gold na hand
crank doon. He showed it to me. Pinilit niyang kuhain ko iyon gamit ang nanghihina
kong kamay.

The deep red velvet box had a golden interior and my name engraved in silver on the
top lid. I opened it with one hand and saw the bed plate and the revolving metal
cylinder inside. Inilahad ko muna sa kaniya ang bouquet na tinanggap niya at
marahang nilapag sa ramp. I saw him wipe his tears with his sleeves. Pinilit niyang
ngumiti sa akin.

The background music stopped when I held the gold crank. Mabilis kong inikot ang
crank. My heart grew heavy when the same Elvis Presley song played. Nilingon ko si
Maxim na nakababa muna ang mic at ang isang kamay ay nasa loob ng kaniyang bulsa.
He smiled at me and waved.

I looked at small letters in gold on the side of the music box. It says push.
Marahan kong tinulak ang kahoy na bahagyang gumalaw papasok at lumabas muli.

Tila ba may pumipiga sa aking puso sa walang pagsidlang tuwa nang makita ang
singsing sa loob. Halos lumuhod na ako sa kaiiyak ngunit mabilis na tumayo si
Adonis at inalalayan ako patayo. Inilipat ko ang music box sa kabilang kamay.

He carefully retrieved the silver ring and held it with his slightly shaking hands.
Round pink sapphire rings alternated with sparkling diamonds separated with silver
plates twined together as crosses to form a band.

Slowly, he knelt. I blinked to clear my vision. Nilingon ko ang mga kaibigan kong
nasa front row. Adira was grinning widely and clapping her hands. Si Diesel ay
bahagyang nakayuko at nakasandal sa kaniyang balikat. Umurong nang bahagya ang luha
ko nang makita ang pulang-pulang ilong ni Diesel at pag-iyak sa balikat ng aking
kaibigan. Nang mapansing nakatingin ako sa kaniya ay tinakluban niya ang kaniyang
mga mata.

Inaakbayan ni Raven ang kapatid na namumula na ang morenang balat at humahagulgol

sa kaniyang dibdib. Mirae was silently crying with her hands covering her mouth.
Finn was whispering something to her, while Van beside him had bloodshot eyes.

Binalik ko ang tingin kay Adonis. He inhaled deeply. Marahan niyang kinuha ang
aking kamay.

"'Wag ka nang mag-speech, please. Magtanong ka na! Bilis!" saad ko. He chuckled at
that.

"Okay," aniya. He kissed the back of my palm.

"Will you spend the rest of your life with me?" His voice broke in the middle of
his sentence.

I nodded fast. The cold material of the ring enveloped mine perfectly. Sa pagsuot
n'on ay nagpatuloy ang musika kasabay ng samu't saring flash mula sa iba't ibang
camera.

"For I can't help falling in love...with...you."

Nakarinig ako ng ilang marahang pagtawa dahil nabasag din ang boses ni Maxim na
nahawa ata sa pag-iyak. Adonis stood up and cupped my damp cheeks.

I met him halfway as he leaned. One soft kiss and the crowd erupted into cheers.
His lips travelled to my cheeks, and lastly, on my forehead.

Bahagya muna akong yumuko upang damputin ang bouquet at ibato kung saan na akala
mo'y kasalan na ito. Adonis chuckled at that. Hindi mawala ang ngiti sa mukha ni
Adonis nang habulin niya ulit ang aking labi sa aking muling pagtayo.

We parted when we heard wild claps from someone. Nilingon namin iyon pareho at
nakita si Van na tawa nang tawa at halos lumuhod na sa sahig.

Nakatulala si Mirae sa hawak niyang bouquet habang si Finn ay pulang-pula sa

kaniyang tabi dahil sa panunukso ng kaniyang dalawang kabanda.

"Kailan engagement niyo?" malakas na tanong ni Van bago tumawang muli. Hindi ko
napigilan ang makisali sa kanilang kaguluhan.

I tore my gaze away from them when Adonis made me look at him. Kusa akong napapikit
nang halikan niyang muli ang aking noo.

"I told you...you will end up with me," he said, confidence overflowing, and
smirked. Kinurot ko lamang ang kaniyang braso.

I have read love stories from the great writers from before. I have heard tales and
have witnessed fate and its wonders. Ours was not a story that revolved on our
undying and unconditional love for each other, but it is my favourite. It taught me
that pain comes with life, and how to yield the misery into something that will
help me grow.

We made mistakes but learned and realized the most valuable lessons from those. Our
reckless hearts drove us to do things we shouldn't, but later on opened our eyes to
the things that we still have to learn.

The deepest scars I've had were not skin-deep, rather, it caused wounds on my soul.
Yet, I am proud of my battle scars, be it physical or not. They are proofs of how
much I fought for the life I deserve, for the chances I still have to take, for the
new beginnings that are yet to come. The war I had against the demons that hide
beneath my bones and the cruel universe was worth it.

What we had taught me how to battle my demons, face my monsters, and kill the
greatest enemy lying inside of me. It taught me to accept defeat, to get up and try
again.

It wasn't just Adonis that I gave another chance, but also, myself. In the
painfully slow journey of learning, I let myself heal, forgive, and gave myself
have another chance in life.

In the process of falling in love with him, I finally learned how to love myself.
And that is what I am most thankful for.

☽☾

Chapter 42

this is the last chapter for this story. maraming salamat!

☽☾

#whtvrthss #wti40
chapter forty

THE COLOURS DANCED in front me, messy brush strokes of gray and green, untamed and
unruly. I crouched to scrutinize every fine detail of the painting, from the
textures of the skull to the veins of leaves surrounding it. Abandoned Mind, that's
what it says. Among all the other paintings from the Grade 9 students lined up in
front of their classroom, this one is by far the best, at least for me.

I carefully held it by its frame and looked at the back, hoping to find the name of
its creator. All it had was four letters—EVSG—and nothing more. Tinandaan ko ang
apat na letrang iyon. It must be the initials of the artist who made this.

Walang tao sa kanilang saradong classroom na katapat na katapat ng amin. However,

there were other students from the adjacent rooms who were looking weirdly at me.
It's as if it's forbidden for a senior high student to step in their perimeters.
Kaya naman, dali-dali na akong umalis doon dahil baka teacher pa ang makapansin sa
'kin.

Natanaw ko lang naman iyon mula sa aming room. I was ensorcelled with its beauty,
and I was curious on how could someone do such fine art like that. Isa pa, agaw-
pansin iyon dahil iyon lamang ang mukhang ginawa ng eksperto sa hanay ng mga
paintings sa labas ng kanilang room. Whoever made that had talent, and he or she,
was making great use of it. I was just plainly intrigued, wala naman talaga akong
balak pumunta roon sa building nila, pero gusto kong makita kung totoo ngang
iginuhit at pininta iyon dahil sa malayo ay mukha iyong printed.

"Bakit ka nasa JHS Building?" iyon ang pambungad ni Ross pagkabalik ko sa aming
room. Kinuha ko lamang ang aking bag at sabay kaming lumabas para mag-break.
"May tiningnan lang,"sagot ko.

Mukha siyang hindi naniniwala sa sinabi ko. I only scoffed at him. Hindi niya ako
dapat itulad sa kaniya. I'm not into younger girls. Hindi kagaya niya na Grade 7 pa
ang gusto. If that habit of his will continue until next year, he can get sued
since we'll be of legal age by that time.

"You know someone with initials of EVSG?" tanong ko habang naghahanap kami ng
lamesa. Mabilis siyang napangisi at akala niya ata ay interesado akong landiin ang
kung sinoman 'yon. Napailing na lamang ako sa kaibigang puro kahalayan ang nasa
isip. I'm not even sure if that's a she or a he, can be in between or outside that
spectrum, even.

"Bakit mo natanong?" nanunuya niyang sabi.

"I saw his or her painting outside their room. I'm curious on how he or she looks
like,"sagot ko. Tumango-tango naman si Ross doon.

"Anong grade?"

"Grade 9," sagot ko at bumalik ulit ang kaniyang ngisi. Nasapo ko na lamang ang
noo.

I really am not into younger girls. Isa pa, hindi ko talaga priority ang magka-
girlfriend ngayon. I am very much fine with how my life is doing right now. My
attention is only divided between my family and academics. Sa edad kong 'to, ay
doon naman talaga dapat ang atensyon ko. It's not like I will die early just
because I'm single.

I prefer college girls. In my opinion, they are far more mature and ready for
stable relationships. Saka, mas busy sila sa school kaysa sa akin. Kaya naman,
kapag ako na ang busy, sigurado akong maiintindihan nila. I don't want a nagging
and a needy girlfriend. Sapat na iyong dalawa kong pinsan na babaeng pinasasakit
ang ulo ko dahil ako lagi ang pinapasama nila sa pagmo-mall dahil ako lang ang
hindi makatanggi sa kanila.

Kuya Ayeon samahan mo 'ko dito, Kuya Ayeonthis, Kuya Ayeon that. Palibhasa ay alam
nilang ako ang pinakamabait sa magpipinsan.

My world is simple. It revolves around my family, a handful of friends, being a

student-leader, and maintaining my academic standing. Wala akong oras sa iba pang
bagay. Everything else is just considered a distraction.

I have planned my whole life inside my head. My top priority is to graduate college
with soaring grades. Sunod ay ang tumulong sa business. Next time na ang
pagpapamilya dahil hindi naman required iyon.

Wala pa ni isang babae ang kumuha sa aking atensyon. There are girls who I consider
pretty and attractive, but that's just it. There are girls who I care for, but just
because we're friends and nothing more than that. I guess I got too consumed and
focused on my goals that I can't find the drive to fall in love, or merely like
someone.

Ngunit, hindi naman iyon pinipilit, 'di ba? Kusa lang talaga iyon nangyayari.
That's why I waited.

Then, she finally came. She marched inside my ideal world with those sleek thigh-
high boots, and easily wrapped me around her fingers. Dark eyes, darker hair, and
the darkest soul I've seen coiled in an angelic face.

"Salamat, Ayeon," ani Ginang Solomon habang binababa ko ang huling kahon galing sa
kaniyang advisory class patungo sa faculty. I only smiled at her because really,
it's nothing. Magaan lang naman iyong mga gamit niya, and I volunteered to do it
for her. I can't just ignore a 50-something-year-old teacher struggling with her
things.

Hindi sinasadyang napagawi ang tingin ko sa may tabi ng kaniyang lamesa. Pinagpag
ko ang aking palad habang pasimpleng tinitingnan ang pamilyar na obra na nakatayo
sa gilid.

Well, Mrs. Solomon is a Grade 9 teacher. Estudyante niya siguro iyong may gawa non.
Hindi naman siguro masamang magtanong.

Tumikhim ako. "Ma'am, kanino po 'yun?" tanong ko at itinuro iyong painting.

Nilingon niya iyon at in-adjust ang kaniyang salamin.

"Ay, kay Emma iyan. Ang ganda, 'no?" aniya.

Emma, huh?

So, it's a young girl. Why would she paint something that feels so...dark?

Ilang araw na nanatili sa aking isip ang pangalang iyon. There are less than 200
Grade 9 students, ilan kaya ang nagngangalang Emma roon?

Hindi ko mawari kung bakit parang masyado na ata ang kuryosidad ko sa babaeng 'yon.
Her artwork was fantastic, remarkable beyond words. But still, what's so special?
Ano namang gagawin ko kapag nakita na siya?

Maybe it's because of the impact of her work on me. They say artists always share a
piece of them with everything that they create. And Abandoned Mind just felt
really...intriguing. Nagmarka na iyon sa isip ko at hindi ko na maalis. Ilang gabi
na rin akong hindi mapakali ka-iimagine ano'ng hitsura ni Emma. Iba't ibang mukha
na ang nahulma ko sa aking isip. Tuwing awasan ay 'di ko na mapigilan ang sumilip
sa kanilang hallways at obserbahan ang mga naglalakad, nanghuhula kung sino sa
kanila iyong Emma na tinutukoy ni Mrs. Solomon.

Our last class in Math just ended. Ngunit imbes na ang itinuro ang pumasok sa isip
ko, kay Sir Ruiz at sa mga klaseng tinuturuan niya ang aking nasa isip. I think he
teaches in the JHS Department, too.

Nag-aayos pa lamang siya ng gamit ay tumayo na ako at tinulungan siya. Pansin ko

ang pagtataka sa kaniyang mukha ngunit kunwari na lang ay wala akong nakikita. I
grabbed his laptop from him and he shot me a weird look.

"Ako na ang magdadala, may klase ka pa," aniya at humalakhak. The old professor had
a unique laugh.

"Ako na po," saad ko. "Saan po ang klase niyo?"

"Diyan sa tapat mismo," aniya at itinuro ang room ng Grade 9.

Bingo.

Naunahan ko talaga si Sir dahil hindi ko rin talaga alam kung bakit ako
nagmamadali. The desire to see who created the artwork that's been bothering me for
weeks now kicked in. Nang makarating sa tapat ng maingay na classroom ay sumilip
ako sa entrada. I scanned all of them, at halos kalahati ang babae.

Halos mapasubsob ako papasok nang may bumangga sa 'kin sa kaniyang pagpasok. Her
long and dark wavy hair danced behind her back gracefully as she sat on the
teacher's table at the back of the room. Kausap niya iyong morenang may kapatid
galing sa katabing room namin.

Bahagya akong nainis na hindi man lang siya nag-sorry sa pagkabangga niya sa akin.
See? This is why I hate younger girls. Sometimes, they lack the most basic manners,
and they are often very childish, too. I can't have someone immature as a
girlfriend.

Sinalubong ako ng class president ata nila na nagtatanong kung ano'ng ginagawa ko
roon. Umayos ako ng tayo at inalis ang tingin sa babaeng nakaupo sa lamesa na akala
mo'y walang ibang tao. I can see her very short cyclings from here! Hindi niya ba
nararamdaman na ang iba niyang kaklase ay nakatingin din sa kaniya? She needs to
stop flaunting her creamy legs in public like that!

"Pinabibigay ni Sir kay...Emma. Pakiset-up na raw niya," saad ko. Saglit akong
lumingon sa corridor at wala pa nga si Sir. Tatlong floors ba naman pababa at
tatlong floors ulit pataas ang tatahakin niya, sigurado akong magtatagal siya sa
bagal niyang maglakad.

"Emma!" tawag ng presidente nila. Saglit na natahimik ang mga tao sa room at
napalingon sa 'kin. I tried to look normal, ngunit ang mata ko ay naglulumikot.

The only people who didn't give attention to me were the two girls at the back.
Gustong-gusto ko nang lumapit doon at ibaba ang binti ng babaeng nakaupo sa lamesa
dahil nababahala talaga ako sa legs niyang nakabalandra. Umupo ka ng maayos, ineng!

It's not about how girls should sit, ngunit, hindi ata siya aware na nakikitaan na
siya dahil sa kaniyang pag-upo.

And what now, Adonis? Edi 'wag kang tumingin! Problema ba 'yon?

"Yes?"

Still pissed at both myself and that girl, I shifted my gaze to the other student
in front of me. Saglit na nawala ang kunot ng noo ko dahil sa maamo niyang mukha.
Her chinky eyes looked at me, all innocent and slowly blinking. Her cheeks turned
slightly pink when I didn't speak and just stared at her. Natigilan ako dahil baka
nahiya siya bigla sa ginawa kong paninitig. It's just that...she's Emma? She was
far from what I expected, and imagined. How can someone so lively as her depict
such thing?

Pasimple kong nilingon ang kaniyang ID habang inaabot sa kaniya ang laptop. Emmarie
Vincelle S. Gorotizca. EVSG, indeed. Siya na nga ata talaga iyon. Sa halos dalawang
daang estudyante ng Grade 9, sobrang baba ng posibilidad na may iba pang Emma at
kaparehas niya pa ng initials.

Buong araw ko iyong inisip. Emmarie is okay. She's sweet and caring, ayon sa mga
naririnig ko. Napapansin ko siya kasama iyong kaibigan niyang si Lilianne, anak ng
Guidance Counselor sa College Department.

But something felt off. Hindi ko alam ngunit hindi pa rin natatahimik ang kaluluwa
ko kahit kilala ko na kung sino ang gumawa ng painting. I don't know what else is
it that I want.

"Kuya! Let's go! Pupuntahan ko pa si Emma!"

Mabilis akong napapaling sa nagsalita. The familiar morena girl was speaking to
Rachmiel, higit-higit ang dulo ng backpack nito. Hindi niya kasama iyong babaeng
nakaupo sa lamesa at hindi maayos ang upo.

Who is the Emma she's talking about? Parang hindi ko pa naman nakikitang kasama
siya sa tropahan nina Emmarie at Lilianne. She's always with the mean and immature
kid.

"Saglit nga!" saway ng kaniyang kapatid sa kaniya at inayos ang bag na suot. Tamad
na sumunod sa kanila si Villaecija habang may may kaakbay na babaeng mula pa sa
kabilang room. He said something to Rachmiel before leaving with his girlfriend of
the week.

Nawala na sila sa aking paningin ngunit nasa isip ko pa rin iyong sinabi nung
babaeng morena. She's friends with Emmarie? I highly doubt it. Mistulang
magkaibang-magkaiba ang kanilang clique.

Hanggang sa dismissal ng araw na iyon ay iyon lamang ang nasa aking isip. Baka
naman kapalayaw lang ni Emmarie? Right. Baka iba naman ang initials ng sinasabi ng
kapatid ni Raven.

Natigil ako sa pag-iisip nang makita si Emmarie sa may waiting shed, bitbit ang
maraming libro at tila may hinihintay na kung ano. Dahil wala naman akong iba pang
gagawin ay lumapit ako sa kaniya. She reminded me of my younger cousins, Clio and
Selene.

I saw how she immediately blushed when I offered to carry her books for her as she
waits for her driver. Emmarie's nice, and really kind. She's part of the JHS
Student Council as a rep, kaya naman madalas ko na rin siyang nakikita.

"Ayos lang ba talaga? Mabigat kasi 'yan," aniya sa malumanay na boses. I nodded.
Hindi naman problema sa 'kin ang libro niya. Sigurado akong nangangalay na siya sa
tagal niya na siguro dito sa labas.

Napasimangot ako nang makita si Ross kasama ang mga kasama niya sa practice ng
basketball na lumabas. Agad itong napangisi nang makita akong kasama si Emmarie.
This guy and his dirty mind. Palibhasa ay gawain niya ang pumuntirya ng mas bata,
akala niya e gawain ko na rin.

Her driver arrived ngunit hindi pa rin sila umaalis kaya naman sinamahan ko muna
siya. Bumili lang ako ng siopao at softdrinks para sa akin, kay Emmarie, at sa
driver nila dahil may hinihintay pa raw sila.

Sinipat ko ang aking wristwatch. "It's five, already. Alas cuatroang dismissal
niyo, 'di ba?" I asked. She nodded while munching on her food. Kanina pa siya hindi
mapakali at panay ang tanaw sa gate ng school habang patagilid na nakaupo sa
sasakyan at iniwang bukas ang pinto. Nakasandal lamang ako sa kanilang sasakyan at
nakikitanaw.

My cousins, Selene, Ajax, and Clio were already sent home by our driver. It's a
Friday, so we'll have dinner at our home. Hindi ako nabahala kahit late na dahil
susunduin din naman si Atlas at Kuya Lycus mamayang alas siete. Pagkauwi ni Emmarie
ay pwede akong tumambay muna sa library habang naghihintay.

Come to think of it, Ajax is in the same grade as them. Dapat pala ay sa kaniya na
ako nagtanong. Ngunit, alam kong may pabor na kasama iyon kaya mabuti na lang din
at hindi.
"Sinong hinihintay niyo pa?" tanong ko. Nakatanaw pa rin si Emmarie sa may gate. I
slipped my phone out of my slacks just to inform our driver to fetch me around
seven p.m.

"Ayan na siya. That's my sister," aniya at mistulang nakahinga nang maluwag.

Napalingon ako sa sinabi niya. Kumunot ang noo ko nang makita iyong babaeng medyo
kulot at hindi marunong umayos ng upo, na naglalakad sa brick pathway at patungo
ata rito. Hindi niya inaalis ang tingin sa cellphone kaya naman may nababangga siya
ngunit wala siyang pakialam.

I scoffed at that. Talaga namang hindi siya marunong mag-sorry, 'no? Hanggang sa
ilang metro na lamang ang layo niya ay sa telepono pa rin nakapukol ang kaniyang
atensyon.

"Emmanuelle!"biglaang sigaw ni Emmarie.

Halos mabulunan ako sa kinakain. Emmanuelle? She's also an Emma?

Ngunit hindi ito lumingon. Nang mas malapit na siya ay napansin ko ang salubong
niyang kilay at ang pagngatngat niya sa kaniyang tamang kapal at kulay rosas na
labi. Her long waves are crumpled in a messy bun, showing her slender neck, her
milk skin contrasting her dark hair.

Sinadya kong humarang sa may entrada ng sasakyan. My eyes squinted at her ID.
Hinintay kong gumalaw iyon paharap habang naglalakad siya. Nahugot ko ang hininga
nang makita ang kaniyang pangalan doon.

Emmanuelle Vesper S. Gorotizca.

Napakurap-kurap ako nang nasa harapan ko na siya mismo. So...they have the same
intials?

I can hear Emmarie bidding her farewell and saying her thanks to me ngunit tila
lumabas lamang ang kaniyang tinig sa aking kabilang tainga.

The scent of paint and vanilla attacked my nostrils when she neared. My eyes
squinted at the marks of yellow paint near the lining of her skirt. Hindi niya
inaalis ang tingin sa telepono at binangga ang aking balikat na bahagyang
nakaharang sa entrada. Before I can complain, she pulled the door of their van
abruptly. Napapitlag ako sa lakas ng pagkakabagsak non. Aba't!

I mentally slapped myself. Talaga naman. I knew it. I knew there was something
weird. Emmarie just felt really lightweight and joyful to create something as dark
as that. Well, on the other hand, her sister was... harsh, and unfortunately, rude.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sumagi sa aking isipan at tiningnan ko ang social media
accounts niya. Her instagram is full of dark and gore artworks, paminsan-minsa'y
may larawan niya kasama ang mga kaibigan. None with Emmarie, ni wala kasama ang
parents niya. Well, except for a post with a photo of her Mom in her teenager
years, if that counts. Kamukhang-kamukha niya! It was like I'm looking at a
duplicate! Kung hindi ko lang nakita iyong taon sa background ay baka inakala kong
siya na iyon.

But her mother looked a bit more approachable than her, dahil siguro'y nakangiti
ito kaya ganoon. I've never seen Emmarie's sister smile. Not even once. Ni hindi pa
nga nagtatagpo ang tingin namin dahil palagi siyang 'di nakatingin sa dinadaanan.

Tumaas ang kilay ko at uminit bigla ang dugo sa 'di malamang rason nang makita ang
isa niyang pinost na picture bago ang start ng school year. I immediately shifted
on my position. Isinandal ko nang ayos ang aking ulo sa headboard ng kama at
inilayo nang kaunti ang phone. What's she trying to do? She's a minor!

Picture lamang naman niya iyon na nakasuot ng puting blouse. Her face was not
shown, not even her goddamn pretty lips. It's only her chin and her softly defined
jaw. Wala naman sanang mali sa picture, nga lang, bukas lahat ng butones! And what
the heck? She has no bra! At all! Nakahawi ang kaniyang braso sa kaniyang blusa,
and the only thing that's covering her nipples is her hand!

How old is she? Fifteen? No one will even think that she's only fifteen because of
her mature body! The defined shape of her breasts will make people think that she's
way older! What is she trying to do? Send people to jail?

I immediately reported it, under inappropriate content, and nudity or pornography.

Sa 'di malamang rason ng panggagalaiti ay humigpit ang hawak ko sa aking phone
upang pigilan ang sariling ibato iyon.

I pinched the bridge of my nose hard to control my temper. This girl. She's
stressing me out!

Lumipas ang panahon nang ganoon na lamang. We were finally on our last year in high
school, at siya naman ay Grade 10 na. Patanda siya nang patanda, ay palala rin nang
palala ang mga gawain niya. I heard she's cutting classes or something. I wonder
why.

I don't know why but I don't think she's a bad person. She's just really rude.
Emmarie must love her for a reason, at alam kong hindi lang iyon dahil sa
magkapatid lang sila. I know there's something special in her, ang hindi ko mawari
ay kung bakit kating-kati ako malaman 'yon.

"Sama ng tingin natin, a?"bungad ni Rosseau sa 'kin pagpasok niya sa classroom.

Dahil lalo lang akong maiirita sa pang-iinis niya ay hindi ko siya pinansin. He
drew the curtains in front of me to the side, kanina kasi ay sa siwang lang naman
ako nakatingin.

"Oh? Bitter ka diyan?" tanong niya at natawa.

Emmanuelle and a college boy. How nice. May dala iyong college na bouquet ng pulang
rosas. Nagtangis ang panga ko nang makita ang pag-upo ni Emmanuelle sa lamesa sa
labas. Fucking close your legs. Or else I'd dash my way there and close them for
you.

Napapikit ako nang mariin nang mag-adjust siya sa kanyang pwesto at sumilip ang
skintone niyang cyclings. Goddamn. I really don't care however she wants to sit,
ngunit kapag nakikitaan na siya at halatang-halata ko ang paghagod ng tingin sa
kaniya ng college student ay nag-iinit ang dugo ko. Parang sasabog ata ang bungo ko
sa inis. Ano'ng tinitingin-tingin niya? Fucking pervert.

Kasisimula pa lang ng school year, landi na agad ang atupag nitong kumag na
umaaligid sa kaniya. I'm pretty sure he's around 19 years old or even older!
Emmanuelle's just 16! Can't he fucking wait for two years and respect her age?

Napalitan ang pagkairita ko ng pagkamangha nang makitang binato ni Emmanuelle mula

sa third floor ang bouquet ng bulaklak. Her face showed no mercy, no sympathy, no
emotions at all. Natawa iyong morenang lagi niyang kasama at sinamahan ito papasok
sa room.

Ganiyan nga. Reject them all, Emmanuelle. Reject them all.

"Oh? Para ka namang nanalo sa lotto ngayon."

Napailing ako at tumalikod na para pumunta aking pwesto. Ross followed me with his
annoying facial expression.

"Cho, tigilan mo 'ko," saway ko sa kaniya bago pa siya makapagsimula.

Humalakhak siya. "Umamin ka na kasi! Crush mo 'yon, 'no?"

Nasapo ko na lamang ang aking noo sa kakulitan niya. He's already 18 and I told him
that I'll smash his face if he continues hunting minors. He can't go back to his
old ways now that he's of legal age. One wrong move and he can get sued, makulong
pa siya.

Lagi ko na lang siyang tinatanaw-tanaw, ngunit kailanman ay hindi niya ako

nilingon. So she really knows her worth, huh? Good job, Emmanuelle. Don't let
anyone think that they can easily have you. Hindi ka basta-basta lang. Your head
turn costs gold. People should be honoured when you give them a glance. You're
Emmanuelle Gorotizca; the throne is yours.

Hindi ako makapaniwalang ginagawa kong distraction ang acads. Dati-rati lang ay
academics ang priority ko, and everything else were just mere distractions. Now,
the tables have turned.

I'm frigging crushing on a 16-year-old, and I just turned 18 last week. Just like
Rosseau, I can get sued if I make one wrong move.

She doesn't even know about my existence! She hasn't even glanced my way! And here
I am, all whipped and ready to worship her like the goddess that she is.

Kolehiyala pala, Adonis, ha? What happened now? What happened to college girls and
mature, non-clingy relationship? Bakit nagbago bigla ang ihip ng hangin?

So, to distract myself, I focused more on studying. Nasa library ako noon nang
biglaang may sumulpot at umupo sa aking harapan. Saglit ko siyang nilingon at
binalik ang tingin sa nire-review ngunit nang matantong si Emmarie iyon ay mabilis
na ibinalik sa kaniya ang atensyon. I roamed my eyes around. Is she with her
sister?

"Hi," she said shyly. I smiled at her and took a deep breath when I realized that
Emmanuelle's not with her.

Emmarie is a good friend. I see her as a younger sister or cousin. We usually hang
out at the library whenever our schedules would meet. All my other guy friends are
too noisy to be contained here, so I appreciate Emmarie's company. She's silent and
also busy studying her lessons.

I didn't want to compare, but, I am so confused on why I like her sister in a much
complicated manner when I could have just fell for her instead. Kami ang madalas na
magkasama. She's also a student leader. She's friendly, helpful, and polite. She's
compassionate and empathic. Sabi nga ni Ross, halos babaeng counterpart ko na raw
siya, 'yun nga lang ay mas mautak lang ako. Emmarie is gullible, too soft and too
fragile. Her kindness sometimes sucks.

Her sister, on the other hand, is reckless, brave, and mean. She doesn't bully
other students, nor have a fight with teachers, ngunit kapag binangga mo siya ay
matakot ka na. I heard she's not into cheap catfights as well. Her words were just
too sharp that she doesn't need physical violence to make others fear her. Ewan ko
ba. Ang gulo niya. Ang sungit niya rin. Maldita siya at 'yung kaibigan niya.

"Mag-ingat ka.Masyado ka rin namang mabait minsan. Baka mamaya, iba isipin ng
babae," sabi sa 'kin ni Ross habang nagtatali ng sintas ng rubber shoes.

"Bakit naman? I mean, Emmarie is kind. She deserves to be treated back with the
same kindness," sagot ko habang hinihintay siyang kuhanin lahat ng gamit niya sa
locker room ng varsity players.

He clicked his neck. Pumalatak siya at inilingan ako. "Kapag masyado kang mabait,
baka isipin ng tao, gusto mo siya. Alam mo naman 'yong si...Emmarie ba 'yon?
Malakas ang kutob ko na mabilis hulihin ang puso noon. Lalo na't bata pa."

Umiling ako agad. "Emmarie's not that kind of person. I'm sure she sees me as a
brother. Remember what I told you? She only has a sister and her Dad is a busy man.
Wala masyadong lalaki sa kanilang pamilya kaya siguro'y naghahanap lang siya ng
kuya."

Ross gave me a blank look. Saglit niya akong inirapan. Sumandal siya sa hilera ng
lockers matapos isukbit ang gym bag sa balikat.

"No, Ayeon. Don't be too kind. She might get the wrong idea. O kaya naman,
magparamdam ka na hindi ka talaga interesado dahil may iba kang gusto—"

"Wala akong nagugustuhan," agap ko. He smirked at that. Mayamaya ay may niligon
siya sa aking likuran.

"O? 'Di ba kapatid ni Emmarie 'yon?" he said and squinted his eyes.

Otomatiko akong kinabahan. Nahilo ata ako sa biglaang paglingon. Napapikit na lang
ako nang mariin nang wala namang tao roon at humalakhak bigla si Rosseau.

"Wala pala, ha?" nanunuya niyang sabi. Dinampot ko na ang bag kong nasa sahig at
ang librong binabasa bago siya talikuran doon sa sobrang inis.

I tore my gaze away from Emmarie and went back to what I was reading. Tama ba si
Ross? Am I too kind to Emmarie that she might get the wrong idea?

"Sabi ko sa'yo, e! 'Yan kasi, 'di ka nakinig sa 'kin!"

I groaned. Humiga ako sa kama ni Ross sa dorm habang nag-aayos siya ng gamit.

Emmarie just confessed to me and I do not know what to do. Hindi ko magawa iyong
usual na marahan kong pangre-reject dahil natatakot akong masaktan ko siya. Worse,
if she finds out that I like her sister, baka lalo lang sumama ang loob niya.
Pinakamalala, ay iyong masira ko ang relasyon ng dalawang magkapatid.

"She's young, Ross. Malay mo naman magbago rin 'yon," depensa ko.

"Pa'no kung hindi?" tanong niya pabalik.

Bahala na.

Pagkatapos ng aminang nangyari ay pinilit kong umakto na wala siyang dapat ikahiya
sa akin. Ross warned me that I'm making things worse by sticking next to her when
she wants me. Sa totoo lang ay ginagawa ko 'yon dahil kaibigan pa rin naman ang
tingin ko sa kaniya. I don't want to suddenly disappear in her life because
she...likes me.
Before I move to college, I got the courage to be open to Emmarie. Hindi ko kayang
palalain pa iyong nararamdaman niya kaya mas pinili kong dahan-dahan siyang imulat
sa katotohanan na may iba akong gusto...at kapatid niya iyon.

She smiled at me. Na-guilty ako nang makita ang nangingilid na luha sa kaniyang
mata. I'm sure she'll get over me. She's young! It's probably not that deep, too.

"It's okay. You'll get over her," that's what she said.

Doon umikot ang aming relasyon. She told that she'll stick with me no matter what,
until I fall out of her sister and choose her instead. She was determined, so I let
her be.

Ilang beses kong sinabi sa sarili ko na si Emmarie na lang. She's breathing hope
and I like being with her. I tried. I considered to be with her. I told myself that
maybe, if I give myself time to be with her and push her sister out of my mind,
baka nga may tsansa kami.

Yes, Emmarie makes me happy when I'm with her. But her sister's different.

Tinatanaw ko pa lang si Emmanuelle, kinakabahan na agad ako. It was like I'm always
anticipating for her to glance my way. Saglit lang na mapadaan siya sa tapat ko,
para na akong malalagutan ng hininga sa paninikip ng dibdib. It was inexplicable,
how she got me wrapped around her fingers without doing anything.

I forced myself to believe that it's impossible—for me to like someone who doesn't
even know me, to be invested this much for a girl who hasn't even thrown me a
glance. Pinaniwala ko ang sarili kong labis na kuryosidad at paghanga lamang sa
talento niya ang naramdaman ko. That in time, it will fade. In time, I'm going to
get over her and figure out who I really like.

First year college na ako at sila ay unang taon naman sa senior high. I will be
seeing less of the twins because our building's quite far from the SHS Department.
I don't know if it's a good thing, or a bad thing.

Every single day, I am craving to see her. I am craving to feel the nervousness,
the sudden rush. I am craving for her effect on me. Nakababaliw.

"Ospital?" Mabilis akong napabangon sa sinabi ni Emmarie. It's the dead hour of the
night. Mabuti na lang pala at sinagot ko ang tawag niya! She's crying on the other
line! And she's at the hospital? Ano'ng nangyari?

"Emmanuelle's unconscious," aniya at humagulgol. Tila ako binuhusan ng malamig na

tubig dahil sa kaniyang sinabi.

She didn't tell me the details, and I respected that she needs to keep it private.
It's an issue within their family and I have no right to pry.

Dahil wala akong kaalam-alam sa nangyayari ay naglulumikot ang imahinasyon ko at

kung saan-saan na naglakbay. Ano ba'ng ginawa ng babaeng 'yun at na-ospital?
Nasagasaan ba siya? Did she get into a fight? Did she fell off somewhere? Fuck!
Hindi ko na alam ang iisipin!

The next news was even more devastating. The death of their mother was the talk of
the nation. Ako nga ay hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin kung sakali mang may
mawala sa aking mga magulang nang biglaan na lamang. Pa'no pa silang magkapatid?

I wonder if she's okay. I hopeshe's okay. Kating-kati na akong mag-send ng message

sa kaniya ngunit baka naman magtaka siya kung sino ako.
She's strong. I just know she's strong. Ngunit hindi ako mapakali. Gusto kong
kapiling siya. Gusto kong kasama niya ako sa mga ganitong panahon. Gusto kong
kapitan niya ako kung kailangan na niya ng karagdagang lakas.

But then again, what if everything I'm investing for her is worthless? Saan ba ako
dadalhin ng paghanga kong 'to? Pa'no kung nagsasayang lang ako ng emosyon sa
kaniya?

Eyes swollen, Emmarie came to our house the night of her mother's funeral. My heart
ached with the sight of a good friend breaking.

At naisip ko rin, what if in the future, I will end up breaking Emmarie's heart?
She doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve the pain from something such as a one-
sided love.

So, I did my best to forget Emmanuelle and tried to love Emmarie back. I see her
efforts, and I don't want those to be put to waste. I'm not that heartless. Isa pa,
nagbabaka sakali rin ako, na baka pwede nga rin talaga kami. Madyado lang ata akong
nabulag ng kapatid niya.

Emmarie had to leave for New York, and that's by the choice of her father. 'Di ko
pa rin napigilan ang pag-iisip. Pa'no na si Emmanuelle? What's going to happen to
her? She'll live alone? She just lost her Mom! Dapat ay hindi siya iwan dahil ang
kailangan niya, lalo na sa ganitong panahon, ay kasama.

"Please look after her," Emmarie begged over the phone. Ayaw daw kasing sagutin ng
kaniyang kapatid ang kaniyang nga tawag.

"I will," I breathed. Hindi niya ako kailangang utusan. I know what I have to do.

Emmarie and I remained in contact with each other. Sa kaniya ko tinutok ang aking
atensyon dahil alam kong parehas lang silang nasasaktang magkapatid. I know she's
worried about Emmanuelle, but, if she keeps on reminding me to look after her...I
don't think this wall I'm gradually putting up is going to last.

"Seryoso? Siya pa rin?" tanong ni Cho habang naglalakad kami sa pagitan ng kabi-
kabilang booths mula sa SHS Department. The school let in outsiders to make their
own stalls. Ngunit mas malaki pa rin ang pwesto at priority ng school ang booths ng
iba't ibang clubs at pinagpares-pares na mga sections.

"Shut up. Emmarie asked me to check on her," I said in my defense.

"'Pag ba hindi ka sinabihan ni Emmarie, hahanapin mo pa rin siya? Gagawin mo pa rin

ba 'yang ginagawa mo?"

"Yes," I said without blinking. Nang mapagtanto ang ibig sabihin n'on ay iniwan ko
na lang si Cho na humagalpak ng tawa sa 'di inaasahan kong pag-amin. He caught me,
again.

I spotted her with Vivian. Simple silang nagtitingin-tingin sa mga food stalls. I
feel like a creepy stalker, and I don't like it. But, I can't do this any other
way. We're not even friends to begin with.

Bigla akong kinabahan nang luminga-linga siya sa paligid, rounded eyes turning to
slits as she scans the crowd. Bahagya akong ninerbyos dahil pakiramdam ko'y
nararamdaman niyang may nanonood sa kaniya. I don't mean any harm!

I felt like my insides froze when she glanced at me and our eyes momentarily met.
My heart skipped a beat when her lifeless, dull, almost emotionless, and dark as
the void irises looked directly at me. I was sure that it was less than a second,
but it felt like time slowed down and all I could see was her eyes and her painted
lids. She was night-sky in human form, dark and somber.

But I am one of those people who prefer the night more than the day. I would choose
her coldness and pretend to be warm with her if that's what I need to do to keep
her with me.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin. I told Emmarie that I will give her a
chance, but her sister...got me so smitten over her without lifting a finger. I
don't quite understand.

It was just like seeing her painting for the first time. I was drawn in, and no way
in hell I can get out now that I am in too deep. I'd rather drown in the void she's
pulling me into, than force myself out and pretend with someone else.

Ayaw ko ng iba. Siya ang gusto ko. Sigurado na ako.

My brows furrowed when I saw her walking outside the school premises. Sinadya ko
talaga magpa-late dahil may kinailangan akong tapusing requirement. Sasabay ako kay
Atlas pauwi, kaya naman sigurado akong college na lang talaga ang nandito. What's
she doing here? It's almost eight p.m.! She should be home by now!

That went on for days. She always goes home late that it's bothering me. Ano'ng
ginagawa niya sa school ng ganoong oras? The usual dismissal for Grade 11 students
is around five p.m. only. Bakit sobra na siyang ginagabi?

It didn't take long for the College Department to be aware of her existence.
Hanggang sa naging matunog siya miski sa mga blocmates ko. And I don't like what
I'm hearing.

"Gago! Disi siete lang 'yon!"

"So?" tugon ng isa pang estudyante. I felt my like veins were popping out of my
forehead because of irritation.

"I mean, gabing-gabi na siya umuuwi! She's probably doing that on purpose. I think
she winked my way last night! Isa lang ang ibig sabihin noon! Gusto niya rin!
Nagpapapansin siguro!"

Napuno sila ng halakhakan. I inhaled sharply. I hissed when I broke the pencil I
was holding.

"Baka gusto niya college ang maka-una sa kaniya. Ang ganda ng legs noon! Sarap
siguro—"

Hindi ko na napigilan. My body moved on its own and tossed my hardbound book
towards their direction. The chair I was sitting on fell on the ground because of
the way I harshly stood up and made a loud thud. Mahigpit ang kapit sa 'kin ni
Rosseau at pinipilit na hilahin ako pabalik.

"Gago ka!" bulyaw ko. Pare-parehas silang nabigla at natahimik lahat ng tao na nasa
room.

Don't fucking dare to talk about her like that! Not in front of me. Not behind my
back. Not ever. Don't. Fucking. Dare.

You don't disrespect someone like that. Not Emmanuelle. Not any woman.
Because of my sudden—and once in a blue moon—outburst, I didn't hear them talking
about Emmanuelle anymore. Good. Pakiramdam ko'y masisira ang malinis kong record
kapag makarinig pa ako ng isang pambabastos sa mga bibig nila. I'd fucking pull
their tongues if ever I hear a single word talking about Emmanuelle like that.

I still hear about Emmanuelle every now and then, but at least, nothing offensive
nor anything that will make my blood boil. Siguraduhin lang nila dahil tatamaan
talaga sila sa 'kin.

Nagpantig ang tainga ko nang makaranig na naman na may susubok daw na seryoso-
kunong pormahan siya. Seriously? Wy are these college boys so enticed by her?
What's special?

Oo nga, Adonis. At kabilang ka na do'n. Bakit ba ang lakas ng tama mo sa babaeng ni

baka pangalan mo e hindi alam?

Sinadya ko tuloy na magpa-late dahil nga sa narinig ko. I just want to see what
will happen. Hindi ko mapigilan. Simple akong nakatayo sa may guardhouse at
nakikisilong dahil malakas ang ulan. Sana naman ay may payong siya.

I clicked my tongue when I saw her half-running towards the gate. Tumitilamsik ang
tubig-ulan sa sahig dahil sa kaniyang marahas at mabibigat na pagtapak. I pinched
the bridge of my nose in annoyance. Payong lang, wala ka pa? Wala ka bang pambili?
Bibigyan kita!

Napalingon ako sa tropahan ng lalaking third year na. Pasimpleng nakaabang ang mga
'to sa kung ano'ng mangyayari. I saw how Emmanuelle's brows knitted momentarily
before she raised one of them. Hindi ko mabasa ang kanilang sagutan ngunit nakikita
ko na ang pagkabigo sa mukha ng lalaki dahil walang ginagawa si Emmanuelle para
kuhanin ang payong na ino-offer niya.

Kahit na iritable ako sa lalaki ay hiniling kong tanggapin niya iyong payong dahil
sa tingin ko'y lalakas pa ang ulan. But then again, being the mean and proud lady
that she is, tinalikuran niya lamang ito at tumakbo palayo. Mabilis akong napaalis
sa pagkakasandal at binuksan ang sariling payong at tinanaw siya, muntik ko nang
habulin.

Pasaway. 'Pag ikaw talaga nagkasakit bukas.

Ganoon nagpatuloy ang aking buhay. Litong-lito na sa kung ano talaga ang gagawin,
sa kaniyang kapatid na naaawa ako at sa kaniya na binabaliw ako nang todo. This is
what I hate: to get girls in my system. Ang dati kong simpleng buhay ay gumugulo.

Second year came and my feelings for her didn't fade even for just a bit even with
the distractions I had. And on the day of her 18th, I finally admitted it to myself
and gave up trying to replace her. There's no hope in trying to get rid of my
feelings for her. It was already deeply rooted inside of me.

Mistulang ang pisi lamang na pumipigil sa akin na lapitan siya ay ang kaniyang
edad. The day she turned legal, this tiny string finally broke. The little crush I
had on her grew like a monster that cannot be tamed. It was wild and persistent.
With all the denials in my head, I felt like going insane, and the only hope for me
was her.

The answers finally dawned on me—na wala akong pakialam kung walang patunguhan ito.
Kung hindi niya man ako masuklian, wala na akong pakialam. The girl got me damned.

"Happy birthday," I greeted Emmarie. I can hear the background music from wherever
she is. Hanggang ngayon ay naroon pa rin sila sa New York. It makes me wonder how
Emmanuelle is holding up without a family by her side. Does she have any cousins?
Sino'ng tumatayong guardian niya? Doesn't she feel lonely?

"Thank you!" she replied with her usual sweet voice, triggering the guilt building
up inside of me for a long, long time.

The love I have for Emmanuelle had collateral damages. Dahan-dahan kong ipinaramdam
kay Emmarie na wala nang mangyayari sa amin. It was difficult for me to break such
fragile heart. What an irony.

Hindi ko kaya ngunit kailangan. I don't want her to hope for something that will
not happen in the future. Lalo lang siyang masasaktan kung ganoon. She didn't talk
to me for almost a month, leaving me with all the guilt flowing in my veins. Mabuti
na lang at bumalik siya sa pagiging kaibigan at kinausap din naman akong muli.

Life went on just like that. Emmanuelle being lovely in her own ways, and me
praising her like the goddess that she is. I didn't make a move. Not even once.

I was content with this set-up. I saw her switch boys from time to time. I saw her
kiss boys whenever she feels like it. And it was all okay with me. Pakiramdam ko
kasi ay doon naman siya masaya, kaya hinayaan ko na lamang.

Don't worry, sweetheart. Once you're with me, you won't even think of throwing
other guys a glance. I will make sure of that.

Despite the issues, Emmarie still loved her sister wholly. She still cares for her
and asks me to look after her from time to time. Wala akong reklamo roon dahil
gusto ko rin ang aking ginagawa.

And when I finally got the courage to step in her life, I knew I was up for a wild
ride. This girl is such a mess, and I don't mind keeping up with all of it. All her
insecurities, her longing, her hatred, her wrath, her battles, the war inside her
head, I will face it all with her with no complaints. No matter how difficult it
may be, nothing can make me leave her.

Pasan-pasan ko ang kaniyang katawan papasok sa kaniyang apartment. Ang hirap niyang
hawakan dahil panay ang halik niya sa aking pisngi tuwing malapit kami. Being her
friend is so stressful...and it's frustrating me on all levels.

"Keys, Emmanuelle," saad ko. May klase pa ako mamayang ala-una at alas dose na,
ngunit aayusin ko pa ang lagay ng babaeng 'to. I can't just leave her like this!

I groaned whe she pouted and tip-toed to kiss my cheeks again. She should really
stop it with her teasing. She's testing my limits. Baka mamaya e ano pa ang magawa
ko.

"Susi," mas mariin kong sabi. Wala sa sarili siyang humalakhak at kinuha ang susi
sa kaniyang bag. Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa kaniya gamit ang isang braso habang ang
isa ay hinahanap kung aling susi ba ang para sa mismong pinto.

I hissed whe she hugged me while I'm searching for the key. I can feel her sniffing
my shirt. She feels so warm while I hold her like this. She seriously needs to
stop. May klase ako.

Oh, god. Help me. This girl is driving me nuts.

On second thought, nevermind. It's okay. I like her this way.

Her apartment was not that messy but I saw some used utensils on the sink. Marahan
ko siyang inilapag sa kaniyang kama. Napapikit na lamang ako sa frustration dahil
ayaw niyang bumitiw sa aking leeg. Her drowsy and alcohol-infused eyes were killing
me for looking so sultry. Hinayaan ko muna siyang ganoon hanggang sa kusa siyang
bumitiw at mukhang nakatulog na.

Thirty minutes left before my first class, pero hindi naman ako makaalis dahil
hindi ako matatahimik na iwan siyang ganito. I cleaned up a bit before entering her
room just to bid goodbye. I was expecting to see her sleeping ngunit naka-upo siya
sa gilid ng kama at nakapikit, pasuray-suray ang katawan.

Napapalatak ako. Talaga naman. May kama naman siya bakit ayaw niyang matulog nang
nakahiga? Bakit gusto niya nakaupo pa?

I was about to make her lay down the bed and tuck her in ngunit mabilis niyang
hinapit ang aking katawan palapit sa kaniya. A gasp escaped my mouth when she
hugged me tight.

What's wrong, sweetheart? What's bothering you? What's making you this sad? She
hugged like a child longing for something—tight and with no plans to let go at all.

I groaned when she suddenly vomited on my shirt and on her dress. Napabuntong
hininga na lamang ako para kontrolin ang sarili.

Mamatay ata ako nang maaga sa babaeng 'to.

Good thing I have spare clothes in the car. Bago pa man siya makahiga ay dinala ko
na siya sa banyo dahil ayaw kong madagdagan ang imisin ko. Hindi ko pinansin ang
oras. I took my time taking care of her. Pinalitan ko muna siya ng damit bago
ibalik sa kaniyang kwarto. I wanted to bathe her because the scent of alcohol on
her was too strong. Ngunit, ayaw ko namang 'pag nagising siya at malaman niyang
ginawa ko iyon ay maging hindi siya kumportable. I don't want to make her feel like
I wronged her or something. Kung hindi kinakailangan ay hindi ko gagalawin ang
kaniyang suot. Lalo na't lasing siya at hindi naman sumasagot sa pagpapaalam ko
kung pwede ba iyong ginagawa ko. I don't want to touch her without her consent. I
don't want her to show me the skin beneath her clothes without obtaining her
permission first, kahit na sabihin pang wala naman akong masamang intensyon.

Dahil amoy alak na rin ako gawa niya ay naligo na rin ako pagkatapos niyang
bumagsak sa tulog. After bathing, I smelled like her—iyong amoy niya araw-araw. I
saw her perfume. Tinandaan ko ang brand at pangalan n'on. I like smelling like her.
Para niya kasi akong niyakap nang sobra at nanatili ang amoy niya sa akin.

I looked at her peacefully sleeping figure. Lumapit ako at inayos ang kaniyang
buhok na sabog-sabog malapit sa kaniyang mukha. How can someone be this lovely?
What's not to love about this girl?

My phone rang. I saw her stir a bit. Nakita ko ang pangalan ni Emmarie sa screen.
Bahagyang nagising ang aking diwa. I can still make it on my second class.

I was about to answer it and leave when she pulled my arm. Tila gumuho ulit ang
desisyong kagagawa ko lang kanina. Tingin niya pa lang, tapos na agad. Anomang
salitang bibitiwan niya, sigurado akong susundin ko kaagad. Okay, Emmanuelle. I
won't leave. Fine. Damn it. Those eyes will be the death of me someday.

She grabbed my phone. Saglit akong kinabahan dahil baka iba ang isipin niya roon.
Nabigla ako nang ibalik niya lamang iyon sa 'kin at lalo akong hinila palapit sa
kaniya. I declined Emmarie's call. It can wait. While I can't leave my sweetheart
here, waiting.
"Dito ka lang...." she said and my insides melted, "Ako ang piliin mo. 'Wag siya.
Ako naman.... Ako naman kahit ngayon lang. Ako naman, please."

I gulped hard and hushed her back to sleep. You don't have to beg, Emmanuelle. You
only have to say it once and I'd do it. Sometimes, you don't even have to ask
anymore. Whatever it is that you want, I'm down for it if it's for your happiness,
nevermind mine. And of course, I will always choose you above anyone else. It has
been that way since forever.

Marahan ko siyang ibinaba sa kama. She giggled when I softly kissed her neck.
Nakapikit na siya at mukhang antok na antok na. I take it that she's tired after
the engagement ceremony. Marami-raming bisita kasi sa after-party kanina. She had
to entertain them all because they were all so nosy. Hinagip ko ang kaniyang kamay
at pinagmasdan ang singsing doon.

The girl of my dreams is here with me. I was crushing on her since she's 15. She
was 18 when I fell too deep in love with her. I never stopped loving her since
then. And now she's 25, and soon to be my wife.

I am one lucky bastard, am I not?

"I love you," I reminded her before she drifts to her deep slumber. My heart still
skips a beat whenever she smiles. I will never get tired of reminding her how much
I love her. I can do that for the rest of my life and not even once complain.

In case you forget, sweetheart, I will always remind you.

My weakness and my source of strength, the embodiment of my daydreams, the reason

for all my heartbeats, the only hope for me...finally, she's with me—for good, for
eternity.

"I love you more," she whispered. Alam kong hindi na niya kayang labanan ang antok.
Her smile gradually faded when she fell asleep.

Oh, that's where you're wrong, sweetheart. Remember what I told you before?

That I will always, always love you more, Emmanuelle. That in case the universe
takes you away from me, even if the world isn't on our side, if ever the heavens
turn their backs on us...remember that I love you more than you'll ever do. Always.
Remember. That.

☽ THE END ☾

Chapter 43

special chapters that will be posted online are happenings after epilogue. kapag
na-trip-an ko lang. or kapag na-miss ko sila haha.

special chapters that will be on the book contains events from the story written on
other people's point of view. as of now, adira, vivian, raven, maxim, and diesel
are done na.

tentative (!!!) pa but, sabihin ko na rin, hamartia 1.5: this is everything is

whatever this is compressed into five chapters (or more) written in adonis' point
of view. sa'n mababasa kung sakaling ituloy? sa book lang.

where to find me: facebook.com/ynativity ; instagram.com/ynativity ;

twitter.com/ynativity ; curiouscat.me/ynativity (oo, ganoon siguro ka-unique-kuno
'yung username ko wala talaga akong kaagaw haha)

facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/ynativity

story hashtag/s: #WTIwp #whtvrthss

☽☾
EMMANUELLE

"Saan ka naman pupunta ngayon?" tanong ni Adonis habang inaayos ko ang kaniyang
cuffs. Seryosong-seryoso ngunit malambot ang kaniyang tingin sa akin. Kita ko ang
pagtataka sa kaniyang mukha dahil alam naman niyang wala akong on-going projects
ngayon.

"Diyan lang..." sagot ko. He slightly frowned at my vague answer. Pagkatapos ko sa

kanan ay otomatiko niyang tinaas ang kaliwa para ayusin ko. Kahit naman kaya niya,
sa akin niya pinapagawa. It became a habit of his. One time, he went to his work
with his shirt's sleeves not neatly rolled up. Ang katuwiran niya, wala ako para
ayusin iyon.

"Sa'n nga?" Now, he sounds impatient. Napahalakhak ako roon. Pagkatapos i-ayos ang
cuff niya ay mabilis na pumulupot ang kaniyang braso sa aking bewang.

I kinda miss his old, manlier scent. He likes my perfume that he bought one for
himself at iyon ang ginagamit niya. The scent of shea butter and vanilla mixed with
his aftershave scent. Kinapa ng aking daliri ang kaniyang mukha. I also miss his
stubbles.

"Saan ka pupunta?"

"Secret," sagot ko. He groaned at that. Napatili ako nang kaniyang yakapin nang
sobrang higpit. The skirt of my dress slightly lifted with my body because of his
tight hug. I felt him slowly swaying our bodies to imaginary slow music.

"'Di naman kita pinagbabawalan, a... I'm just asking. I don't want to worry about
you all the time at work. Wala akong natatapos," aniya. Nang humiwalay ay
otomatikong lumipad ang kaniyang palad para balutin ang aking pisngi. He pouted.

"Ba't parang kasalanan ko?" I asked then laughed. Lumalim nag kaniyang tila
nagtatampong simangot. He sighed and tugged some of my hair behind my ears. Panalo
na naman ako. I know he'd give up asking.

"Mag-iingat, ha?" tanong niya. I nodded. Bumuntong hininga siyang muli.

"You'll go home? Ihahatid na kita," anyaya niya.

"Nope," sagot ko. Pilit niya sigurong hinuhuli kung saan ba talaga ako pupunta.
It's not really important! I'm just going to the studio because I missed it. I'm
planning to fix and clean it up for him. Lagi kaming dito sa unit niya nagtitigil.

He wanted to buy a house a week after we got engaged ngunit tumutol ako agad doon.
I can't have him spend all his money for something so luxurious! Lalo na nang
makita ko iyong mga pinagpipilian niya. If ever, I want to contribute half of the
expenses. Kahit na ayaw niya.

I want to have his surname attached to my name already, ngunit sabi ko'y gusto ko
munang bigyan ng panahon si Dad. I can't just leave Dad like that. Kahit na sinabi
ni Adonis na isasama namin si Dad sa bahay, sigurado akong hindi papayag iyon. At
sigurado akong magtatampo si Dad.
So, we decided to get married next year na lang. Isa pa, he's at the peak of his
career, ako rin naman. The modelling stint I have is still on-going even if Mirae
is in New York now. She'll stay there for a season then go back here once her
family leaves again for business. I guess she'll be staying in Laguna once she goes
back, though.

Before leaving, nilingon niya ako habang nagsusuot ng coat. Patay malisya lamang
ako habang dinadampot ang aking handbag. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.

"Anong hinihintay mo diyan? Mirakulo?"

His frown deepened. Nagsuplado ang kaniyang mukha at umiwas ng tingin. Ganiyang-
ganiyan siya kapag nagtatampo. Laging nakanguso at masama ang tingin sa sahig na
akala mo'y may nagawa sa kaniyang masama.

"Joke lang. 'To naman..." saad ko at bahagyang natawa. I tugged his arm. Dahil
hindi siya nakatingin ay sa pisngi niya dumampi ang aking halik. Mabilis niya akong
nilingon.

"Sa pisngi lang?" aniya, naiinis pa. Inirapan ko lamang siya. Siya 'tong nag-
iinarte! Hinampas ko lamang ang kaniyang dibdib at umatras. Mabilis niya akong
kinulong agad sa kaniyang bisig.

"O, o... Ito naman. Binibiro ka lang din! Why are you suddenly so moody, anyway?"
aniya. Mabilis na nilingon ko siya dahil alam ko ang pinahihiwatig niya. Nanunuri
ang kaniyang mga mata. I know he's scared. We lost our son. I know he's just trying
to be careful not to make the same mistakes again.

Nga lang, doon siya nagkakamali. I'm on birth control pills, and he knows it. Ayaw
ko pang mag-anak muli. It's not the trauma of losing a child, ngunit sigurado akong
nag-contribute na rin iyon. The main reason is I want to explore on my job field
more. Mas gusto kong magpokus sa sariling career. Kahit dalawang taon lang muna,
pagkatapos ay pwede na siguro kaming mag-pamilya.

Adonis is very, very understanding. Noong una, anak agad ang gusto niya. Maybe it's
because of the child we lost. Dahil aniya, akala niya talaga ay nabuhay ang bata.
He was expecting a young version of him, ngunit, nabigo raw siya nang makitang wala
akong kasamang kahit na sinong bata. Sabik siya sa pakiramdam ng pagiging ama.

But then, I told him about my decision. That I'm not ready to be pregnant, yet.
That I want to build my name in my career as a graphic designer first. That I want
to spend more time with Dad before we settle. He understood it all. Walang bahid ng
pagdadalawang isip ang pagpayag niya sa aking mag-pills.

"We have the rest of our lives together. If you're not ready, I can wait. Para saan
pa't tatanda tayong magkasama, 'di ba?" was what he said.

Dad, however, is not on my side. Gusto niya na ng apo. On his side, I think he's
longing to take care of a kid again. Iyong pakiramdam na may kinakarga at
inaalagaan pa siya.

"Did you get your period already?" tanong niya, hindi pa rin tumitigil sa kaniyang
konklusyon sa isip.

Napairap ako. Sometimes, my schedule gets ruined because I'm taking pills. Ngunit
sigurado naman akong hindi ako buntis.

"I'm not pregnant, okay?" saad ko. He nodded. Bumuntong hininga siya at hinila ako
nang mas malapit sa kaniya.

"O siya, kiss na..." malambing niyang ani. Tuluyan akong nalusaw doon at
pinagbigyan siya sa kagustuhan.

"I'll miss you."

"You always say that," saad ko at humiwalay. Sa trabaho, bago siya umalis ay lagi
niya iyong sinasabi. Walang palya. Be it via phone call or personal like this.

He pouted. "It's true! I really miss you while I'm working..."

"You're clingy," saad ko at bahagyang natawa, remembering the college Adonis who
used to choose me over his schoolworks. Bahagya na siyang nag-mature ngunit
nananalaytay ata talaga sa dugo niya ang pagiging clingy.

"You like me clingy..." confident niyang sabi. Inirapan ko lamang siya at tinaboy
na palabas.

"Magtrabaho ka na! Tanghali na, o!" pabiro kong sabi. He chuckled at that. Pero
totoo naman na tanghali na kami nagising. Late na kasi natapos iyon dinaluhan
naming event kagabi.

"Yes, Ma'am. Take care, okay?" bago umalis ay mabilis siyang nagnakaw ng halik sa
aking pisngi.

I remember when I just used to dream of all of these. I know it's not perfect, but
it's exactly what I need.

Nilingon ko ang singsing na suot. Naalala ko pa kung paano nalaglag ang panga ko
nang malaman ang presyo nito. It's almost half a million pesos! Gusto ko na ngang
isanla para idagdag ang pera sa ido-donate sa charity, kung wala lang talaga itong
sentimental value. Naku!

Nilikom ko lahat ng gamit at nagtungo sa studio. Vivian told me she still visits
the place and holds workshops for free para sa mga batang gustong matuto sa arts.
Some workshops she conducts for adults and to those who have the basic skills are
paid. She uses the money for the materials and keeping the place neat. Sa panahong
wala ako, siya na pala talaga ang nag-alaga sa lugar. Mabuti na lang dahil sa
tingin ko'y sobrang na itong mahirap ayusin kung sakali mang hindi niya ito
kinupkop.

The wooden vintage signage of Lovestreet was gone. Napalitan na iyon ng naka-ukit
sa batong signage. It was repainted with bright white. The large square windows
were modified into wider french windows, kaya naman mas malakas ang pasok ng
natural na ilaw. Ang sahig ay malalaking tiles na may marble patterns. The walls
were also painted white. Nanatili ang mga halaman sa loob dahil alam ni Vivian na
iyon ang gusto ko. Unlike before, it looked more spacious. The dark wooden
furnitures used for the workshops were in front of the windows. I saw some of my
old works on posters on the right wall.

Binisita ko ang kwarto. It remained the same, mas maimis nga lang. Aside from
repainting and cleaning the place, they also rearranged everything to strategically
add more negative space.

Inilabas ko na ang aking mga gamit. I turned my phone off so I wont get distracted.
The old skecthes I have of Adonis were compiled in one thick binder. Guilty ako na
minsang sumasagi siya sa aking isip kahit noong nasa iba pang bansa ako. I always
end up sketching him to ease my mind.
I pinned them on the corkboard. Ang ilan ay sinipit ko gamit ang wooden clips sa
metal grills. Making art based on Adonis became a habit. Habits die hard, so in the
end, I have tons of sketches of him. Hindi pa nga kasama iyong mga nasa notebooks
ko lang na napag-trip-an.

After decorating, I turned on my laptop and prepared my sketchpad. While flipping

through the pages, nahagip ng mata ko ang ilang designs na ginawa ko para sa bahay.
I don't know much about it since it's not my forte, so all I did was the exterior.
I flipped open the folded page and saw Diesel's draft for the house.

Art is made through continuous process of learning. Kaya naman, kahit na wala na
eskwelahan ay tuloy-tuloy pa rin ako sa pag-aaral at pagpa-practice. I mean, I want
my name to be known in the grpahic designer's field without using my surname asa
way to expedite the process. To achieve that, I should leave a mark on everything I
make. To create an impact. To cause infinite ripples for people to finally
recognize me.

I scrolled down the various references of human anatomy. My cheeks flushed at the
thought of having Adonis is a subject. 'Di ko alam kung bakit nahihiya pa ako.
We're adults! And, we're engaged! We've done things! I don't know what the reason
is, ngunit tumitiklop lahat ng kabulgaran ko pagdating sa kaniya.

After finishing a draft sketch of a topless Adonis sitting on wood, facing his
right side. Inalwas lo ang ilang art materials na nakatago sa isang malaking box.
The foldable wooden frame that I haven't used in ages is still sturdy. Hindi naman
gaanong kalaki ang canvas cloth na gagamitin ko dahil study pa lamang naman ito.
It's already pre-primed, so I do not have to layer it with gesso and wait for hours
before I can paint. I stretched the canvas and stapled it to the frame.

Nang mapunta sa ibang bansa ay bihira na akong magpinta nang ganito. I usually
venture on digital arts because of my work. The last painting I did was Diesel. I
think Dad already gave it to him without my permission.

I familiarised myself first with the materials that I haven't touched for a long
time. Dahil sa nanghihinayang ako, ayaw ko namang masayang lang ang canvas kung
hindi maganda ang kalalabasan. I spent the first hours trying to paint on regular
high GSM papers first, until I got the hang of it. Hindi naman ata talaga nawawala
ang talento. Sadyang nakakalimutan o kaya naman ay nawawalan lang ng kasanayan.
Parang natutulog lang na kailangang gisingin.

Dahil sa takot na masayang lang ang mahal na linen canvas, I drew using charcoal
first on a regular paper to understand the tone and values. Nakailang ulit at ako
sa paghahalo ng gray paints dahil iyon ang unang layer sa paint. The pressure of
painting Adonis' face was real. I feel like I can't give any justice to his unique
mystique.

Like the usual, I didn't get to finish it. I paint really slow because I love
making the details, kahit pa gaano ito nakakapagod. I sighed out of relief when I
heard my bones clicking when I stretched my arms. Ni hindi pa ako tapos sa kaniyang
mukha ngunit nang silipin ko ang labas ay medyo madilim na.

I checked my e-mails first. Wala pa akong tinatanggap na trabaho ulit dahil sa

hindi pa ako naalis sa modelling. Just to pay respect to Mirae's mother and the
company, I think I should stay for at least a year before I go hiatus on them.

Tila tumigil ang mundo ko nang makita ang aking cellphone na pinatay ko nga pala.
Nagmamadali ko iyong biuksan dahil sigurado akong may naghahanap na sa akin. Nasapo
ko na lamang ang noo sa halos limampung missed calls at sandamakmak na texts.
Pagka-unlock na pagka-unlock ko nito ay nag-ring agad. Kinakabahan na parang batang
mapagagalitan, sinagot ko iyon nang may pag-aalinlangan.

"Hello?" Maliit ang aking boses.

"Where are you?!"

Napapikit ako sa lakas ng kaniyang bsoes. I can hear people telling him to calm
down. Napaisip tuloy ako kung nasaan siya. Kasabay ng mga boses sa kaniyang paligid
ang kaniyang pagkahingal.

"N-Nasa studio..."

I heard his violent gasp. Kasabay non ang pamilyar na alarm ng kaniyang sasakyan.

"I was worried sick!"

Napapikit ako nang mariin. "Sorry na..."

Katahimikan. Isinarado ko ang aking laptop habang nagpupulot ng gamit at nakaipit

pa rin sa tainga at balikat ang telepono.

"Kumain ka na?" he finally said after a series of deep breaths.

"Nope... Busy, e."

"Pupuntahan kita diyan," aniya at pinatay ang tawag. Napasimangot ako roon. Ano?
Where's my 'I love you'? Bakit wala?

Figuring out he's probably slightly mad because of the stunt I pulled, I let it
slide. Habang nag-aayos ay iniisip ko na agad ang nagsusuplado niyang mukha.

Dahil pawis na sa pagtatrabaho, ay naligo muna ako dahil siguradong matatagalan pa

bago siya makapunta dito.

Napasimangot na lamang ako nang makita ang mga natitira kong damit doon. Since I
don't go here that much anymore, kaunti na lang ang damit na natitira sa maliit na
cabinet. At dahil kami naman lagi n Vivian o ni Adira ang madalas na lang dito,
maliliit na piraso lang ng tela ang mga damit na nakalagay doon dahil puro naman
kami babae.

I mentally took note of that. I should bring pajamas here. In times like this.

Nakikipagtalo ako sa sarili sa 'di malamang dahilan. I stared at the satin

nightgown that showed too much of my chest. The black material had a bit of sheen
that glimmers whenever light makes contact with it. Wala naman sigurong masama
dahil ito na lang talaga ang pwede kong isuot. Isa pa, kaysa naman sa hubad 'di ba?
O tuwalya lang? It's not like I'm provoking him or anything! Wala iyon sa isip ko!

E, kasasagi nga lang sa isip mo, Emma, 'di ba? Ugh, why am I making big deal out of
this? Hindi ko naman sinasadyang mainis siya sa'kin ngayon at ito lang ang damit na
mayroon ako. It's just coincidence!

Isinantabi ko na lamang iyon sa isip. Pinanatili kong nakaladlad ang palette at ang
canvas na inisod ko. So that when he comes here, I can make an excuse not to have
skinship with him because I'm working. Not like it really means anything. Para lang
safe.
Kinuha ko ang gamit na brutsa upang magmukhang abala pa rin nang marinig ang
pagsasara ng pinto. Mabilis akong lumabas sa kwarto at nadatnan siyang kunot ang
noo at nakasimangot nang makapasok. I halted on my spot when he raised his head and
looked at me.

Like ice set on fire, his expression melted into softness as his eyes raked on my
entirety. May binulong siyang kung ano sa sarili bago lumapit. I gulped to remain
composed. His lips twisted when he neared. Maingat kong tinanggal ang kaniyang
necktie. I fought myself on acting so stiff when his hand rested on my waist.

"S-Sorry ulit..." mahina kong sabi. He nodded, but his face remained serious.
Bumitiw ako saglit at pumunta sa kwarto. Habang nakatalikod sa kaniya ay pinaypayan
ko ang sariling mukha upang pakalmahin.

"What are you doing?" mababa niyang sabi. Nagkunwari akong busy sa paghahalo ng
pigment upang hindi na siya lingunin. I automatically stiffened when I felt him
behind me.

"Nagpe-paint," simple kong sagot, hoping that it doesn't sound sarcastic dahil ayaw
kong lalo siyang magsungit.

"Is that me?"

I flinched when I felt his breath on my ear.

Pwede wait, ha, Adonis? Isod ka nang kaunti, please.

"O-Oo... Study ko ng human anatomy," tipid kong sagot.

"And I'm naked, huh?" I can hear his amusement in that sentence. Napairap na lamang
ako. He's sitting and facing to the side! Kaya walang kung anong makikita! Besides,
it's for artistic and educational purposes. Hindi para sa sarili kong kamunduhang
iniisip. Not that I'm thinking any!

"Anatomy kasi... Saka proportion," depensa ko.

"Ah-huh..."

I lost it when he ran his nose on my shoulders. Halos manginig ako sa aking pwesto.
Ni hindi ko na alam kung anong kulay iyong ginagawa ko dahil kung anu-ano na lang
ang pinaghalo-halo ko!

"And you're wearing this because?" he trailed. Pasimple kong hinampas ang palad
niyang nasa laylayan ng aking nightgown.

"Wala akong ibang damit dito. I'm not seducing you," I said, probably sounding too
defensive. Pero totoo naman!

He pushed himself closer to my weak body. Pinulupot niya nang tuluyan ang kaniyang
braso sa aking bewang. Nagtayuan ata ang balahibo ko nang maramdaman ang kaniyang
labing dahan-dahang nilalandas ang aking balat.

"But you know I can't resist..."

Napapikit na lamang ako sa hindi malamang dahilan. I sighed heavily as I succumb to

his power over my senses. He took advantage of my weakening knees as he practically
carried me in his arms.

"Lagi naman," pang-aasar ko. I heard him smirking.

"You think five years is a joke?"

"I thought you said you have your hands—"

"That worked when you were not here. Stop arguing with me," aniya at mahinang
humalakhak. His deep chuckled resonated on my bones.

"Didn't we just... last month?" Ni hindi ko na maayos ang aking pananalita dahil sa
nakaliliyo niyang mga halik, pati na ang naglulumikot na mga kamay.

"That was last month already..."

"E kahit pa—"

"I said stop arguing with me, sweetheart," marrin niyang sabi, tila naiinis na.

His fingers traced shapes on my exposed thigh. Pinilit kong makatayo ng ayos. I'm
not even sure if I really don't like what's happening or what!

"I-I'm working," I said. I'm not even sure if that sounded like a protest or a
desperate call.

"I'll teach you human anatomy, then... I have my other ways, though."

Lalo lamang akong napadiin sa kanto ng lamesa nang lalo niyang ilapit ang sarili. I
sighed heavily when I felt him slowly moving in a primitive manner even when
clothed. There's nothing that can stop him now.

"E kahit na... Ang dami ko pang tatrabahuhin—"

"Your work can wait," malamig niyang sabi. Tila ba nabali ko na ang huling pisi ng
kaniyang pasensya. Impit akong napatili sa kaniyang mabilis na pagbuhat niya sa
akin at pagbagsak sa kama.

"A-Akala ko ba... g-galit ka?"

He momentarily stopped on kissing my neck. Kasunod non ang pag-akyat ng kaniyang

labi sa aking tainga. With one sensual bite on the neck from him, I heard him
smirk.

"Galit pa rin naman ako... Ibang galit nga lang," aniya.

☽☾

Chapter 44

☽☾
EMMANUELLE

"Mommy's beautiful," otomatiko akong napangiti sa aking narinig. I was busy

straightening my hair while Elvis and Adonis are right behind me. Nagkatinginan
kami saglit ni Adonis sa salamin.

Saglit na kumunot ang noo niya bago lingunin si Elvis na karga-karga niya. Our son
slowly turned to his father when he probably felt his stares. My heart fluttered
when they locked gazes. It was like Adonis was looking at a mirror showing him a
younger version of him.
"Of course, she is," I heard Adonis say. Napanguso ako roon. He gave me a boyish
grin. Nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin ko sa'king mag-ama at walang pagsidlan ang galak.

"Mga sipsip kayo," pabiro kong sabi. Ibinaba ni Adonis si Elvis at inayos ko ang
kaniyang kurbata. I leaned my head on his chest and sighed dreamily. Naramdaman ko
ang kaniyang brasong pumulupot sa aking bewang.

Napalingon ako nang marahang higitin ni Elvis ang maliit na parte ng aking bistida.
Napapalatak si Adonis at ako nama'y bahagyang yumuko para yakapin ang anak.

"Let's go," saad ko. Adonis nodded and got my clutch bag, habang ako naman ay hawak
sa kamay si Elvis. Our initial plan wasn't to have a child for the first three
years of marriage, but of course, it didn't happen. Dad kept on telling me that he
already needs a grandchild. As per advise from a few aunts and girl friends, they
said it's best to have a kid before turning 30. Baka raw kasi ako ang mahirapan at
mas delikado. Hence, right after a few months of marriage, I got pregnant.

Kulang na lang ata e pati pagnguya ko ay iutos ni Adonis noong mga panahon iyon. He
was always overly worried and very protective. Sabi maman ng doktor ay hindi ako
sensitive sa pagbubuntis. Sadyang mahina pa ang kapit ng panganay namin bago ito
mawala, idagdag pa ang emotional at matinding physical stress na dinanas ko.

Thankfully, our son came out healthy, and he looks like a carbon copy of Adonis.
Kaya naman minsan, kapag bumibili ako ng damit ni Elvis ay sinusubukan kong humanap
ng kahawig na para kay Adonis. I like dressing my two boys up. Sobrang cute!

I sat on the shotgun seat while Elvis sat on the backseat. Tinanaw ko siya at
parang ayaw ko nang alisin ang tingin sa kaniya. It was just a dream before. To
have a family like this. A family of my own. Ngayon, heto na at mayroon na ako. I'm
grateful and happy beyond words can measure.

Wala na akong mahihiling pa.

Napalingon ako kay Adonis nang hagipin niya ang aking kamay. He brought it near his
lips and planted a chaste kiss on the back of my palm before he revved the engine.
He didn't let go of my hand, yet.

"Baka antukin 'yung bata ro'n," saad ko. Adonis nodded.

"It's okay. I got him. You can go do your job," aniya. I smiled at that. One thing
that never faded after almost six years of marriage is his understanding and
selflessness. Mayroon namang taga-alaga si Elvis, pero ayaw namin parehas na
masanay siya na wala kami sa tabihan niya lalo na't parang masyadong mabilis ang
oras at tumatanda siya agad. We want to take care of him with minimal help from
others. We want him to grow up and remember that we're never too busy for him.

I ended up handling a part of the company since I have no choice, and surprisingly,
I'm kind of adjusting to it. Wala naman ako masyadong ginagawa dahil hindi naman
talaga sa'kin pinasa nang tuluyan ang pamamahala roon. I just didn't want to let it
go completely since Dad worked so hard for it. It's only right for me to claim half
of it. Dad's trusted man was the one who claimed his position, and he deserves it.

I am still continuing my life as graphic artist, often for company ads and
campaigns, branding, and websites. Binitiwan ko na nang tuluyan ang pagmo-model
mula noong kinasal ako. Mirae told me I can always come back, but I didn't. There's
another girl more deserving for that role.

Nang makarating sa venue ay hinawakan ko muli ang kamay ng anak. We were

immediately greeted by some distant relatives and business partners. Everyone knows
that I already have a son, and everyone seems fond of him. Kamukhang-kamukha ba
naman kasi ni Adonis.

Elyeon Vincense G. Revillanes is my treasure. Limang taong gulang na siya at habang

patanda nang patanda, lumalabas ang pagkakahawig sa ama. I'm starting to think he
didn't get any of my features. Ang unfair.

El from my mother's name and my nickname, -yeon from his father, Vincense from his
aunt's second name, my twin guiding him from the heavens. The nickname Elvis from
my parents' song that Adonis and I made ours.

I didn't want to stay too long. We stayed for just roughly two hours. Kumain lamang
kami saglit at nagpalipas ng ilang minuto para umalis. Kung hindi lang pinagpapasa-
pasahan ang anak ko, baka mas maaga kaming umalis.

"Tita Addie gave me this!" he said when he made himself comfortable on the
backseat. Nilingon ko siya at nakitang may kinakaing cupcake na sigurado akong wala
naman sa venue kanina. Adira's baking again? Buntis na naman siguro.

"And Tita Vian gave me this!" sabay pakita niya naman ng marka ng lipstick sa
likuran ng kaniyang palad.

Adonis chuckled. He placed his hand on my thigh and leaned in to kiss my cheek.

"Hindi ka pa inaantok?" malambing niyang tanong sa anak.

Elvis shook his head, mouth still full of Adira's cupcake. I sighed dreamily. He's
growing up too fast. Laking problema nito lalo na't kamukha ng ama. I hope he's not
a playboy.

"Sa'n tayo punta, Mommy?" he asked. Naubos na niya ang kinakain at tumayo. Kumapit
siya sa may sandalan ng aking upuan.

"We're going to Kuya," I answered.

He grinned. God. Even his grin looks like his father's. Wala atang namana sa'kin
ang batang 'to.

Pumirmi na siya at sabik na nag-intay na makarating kami sa paroroonan. Adonis

parked just outside the mausoleum at sa kaniya na sumama si Elvis pagkalabas na
pagkalabas nito. Kinuha ko muna ang kandila at posporo sa may dashboard bago
sumunod sa kanila.

Adonis was crouching while holding Elvis. Naririnig ko na agad na nagkukwento ang
anak sa kaniyang kapatid na lumisan na. We told him about the brother that he lost.
And even though not having the chance to live, we still treated his brother like
he's part of us. Elvis grew up recognizing that he has a brother. Up until now, we
live with him.

Sinindihan ko ang kandila at tinirik sa may tabihan ng lapida. I stood and watched
my son. I smiled a bit as Elvis didn't stop talking. Tumayo si Adonis at hinapit
ako papalapit sa kaniya.

"I love you," he murmured and placed a kiss on my cheek. I closed my eyes shut and
let myself drown on the warmth of his embrace. I held Elvis' shoulders as he
continues to talk about his day on his brother.

Finally. I'm happy. We're happy. It's not perfect, but it is for me. Just exactly
what I need.
"Emmanuelle, I love you," he repeated. I felt him nuzzling my neck. "More than
you'll ever do."

Chapter 45

☽☾
Hamartia Series 1 of 4:
WHATEVER THIS IS
#whtvrthss
© ynativity 2018
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Mula kay Yna:

Salamat sa lahat ng nagbigay ng oras sa pagbabasa ng gawa kong ito. Tanda ko ang
nga username niyo haha. As much as possible, I tried to dedicate a chapter to those
who read this story, ngunit may ilan atang nagpalit ng UN kaya iyon :(( 'di ko na-
dedic-an.

I know I still have lots to improve in the aspect of being a writer. My story
wasn't perfect, sa technical (salamat sa nagtiyaga sa typos ko! haha), sa pacing
(na medyo bumilis ata), sa ilang characters na feeling ko ay kapos sa 'screentime.'
Ang huling romance na sinulat ko ay noong 2012/2013 pa ata. Sumubok lang ulit ako
last year (2018).

Alam kong under Romance category ang Hamartia Series, ngunit pasensya na kung
kinulang kayo sa kilig. Hindi ko kasi talaga forte iyon. Kaya nga ako nag-Fantasy,
mahina kasi ako sa kilig scenes haha. And if you're looking for more kilig on
Hseries 2-4, pasensyahan tayo ngunit 'di niyo 'yon matitikman sa'kin.

I hoped that kahit wala iyong kilig sa ginawa ko kung ihahambing mo sa sandamakmak
na Romance stories diyan sa tabi-tabi, ay natuwa kayo sa inyong nabasa. Sana may
natutunan kayo kasi ako, marami. Sana ay hindi niyo naramdaman na tila ba nagsayang
lang kayo ng oras sa binasa niyo (huhu).

Halfway sa pagsusulat nito, naramdaman ko 'yung urge na itigil. Buti na lang pala
hindi ko ginawa. Hahaha. And after less than 100 days, natapos ko rin ang una kong
Romance novel as ynativity.

Maraming salamat ulit. Sana, kahit na malimutan niyo ang mga salita, mga karakter,
mga pangyayari, ay hindi niyo malimutan ang nga natutunan niyo sa pagbabasa nito.
Iyon lang naman ang hiling ko.

Salamat ulit. Mahal ko kayo.

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On Publishing and Self-Publishing Whatever This Is:

Sa mga friends ko sa Facebook (maari akong i-add sa account na: Yna Mari), alam
niyo na siguro na plano ko na talaga siyang i-hardcopy. Para sa sarili ko lang
talaga, ngunit kung may gusto mang kumuha ng kopya, i-add ako sa FB at sumali sa
group (ynativity shitposting) dahil doon ako mag-aannounce kung sakali.

2020 Update:
Mapa-publish ito under a publishing house.

Kung hinahanap niyo kung saan ako nagtatago:

Twitter and IG - ynativity
Facebook - Yna Mari (ito lamang po ang aking FB) please PM if you want your request
accepted, or comment on any of my public posts :)

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WHAT'S NEXT?

Hamartia Series 2 of 4:
WHENEVER YOU WANT

▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂

WHATEVER THIS IS
© ynativity 2018

☽☾

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