How to

Wait
Well:
singleness is not the enemy and
marriage is not the solution.

a coffeewithrach resource
 CONTENTS
TABLE OF
1 “WHAT IS THE PURPOSE
OF MARRIAGE ANYWAYS?”

2 “I desire marriage, what

do I do with that?”

3 “HOW DO I STOP LOOKING

AT EVERYONE AS A
POTENTIAL SPOUSE?"

4 “WHAT DO I DO WHEN I AM
LONELY?"

“HOW DO I COME TO PEACE

5 KNOWING THAT MARRIAGE IS NOT
PROMISED?”
 Note from Rach:
Loved one! I am so glad you are here!

As a 26 year old single woman in the church, I believe my singleness is

just as significant as any other marriage around me. There is no scale
of who is more or less important, because we are all saved by the
same savior & given the same spirit to do His work. I believe singleness
is a gift and I believe marriage is a gift because of what 1 Corinthians 7
says. I believe that Christian men and women need to realize how
valuable they are to the body of Christ because of the spirit that
dwells within them, not because they are married.

As a culture, we have twisted what God has created marriage to be

and twisted what God has created singleness to be. I desire for young
(or old!) believers to know their value to the local body and the
kingdom of God. But unfortunately, I see that singleness is often a
stumbling block for believers trying to live for the Lord. Not
because singleness is flawed, but because our societal belief about
what is and is not singleness is flawed.

I am praying that every person who would read this ebook would
come to understand the love of God even just an ounce more. You
may not agree with everything I have written and that’s ok, but I pray
it challenges you to wrestle through what you believe and then have
edifying conversations with other believers around you. That these
conversations you have would spur you on to righteousness and
good works in Christ.

I pray this would be an encouragement to those struggling and an

encouragement to keep pursuing Christ.
 01
CHAPTER 1: “What is the
purpose of marriage
anyways?”

01
“What is the purpose of
marriage anyways?”
Let’s start with the purpose of marriage. Genesis 2:18
says, “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the
man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for
him.” This was the first thing in creation that God said
was not good- for man to be alone. God saw that
man needed a helper.

It was better that man was not alone.

It was better that man had a helper.
It was out of God’s infinite wisdom that He knew man
needed a companion and others around him.

Christopher Ash summarizes the idea of helper well,

“In Genesis 2:15, “The Lord God took the man and put
him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.” The
man is the gardener; he is the guardian and the farmer
in God’s garden. In this context we read in Genesis 2:18,
“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man
should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him.’” A
careful study of Scripture establishes what the
context here suggests, which is that the problem with
the man’s aloneness is not a relational loneliness but
rather that there is too great a task to be achieved;
the man needs, not so much a companion or a lover
(though the woman will be those) but a “helper” to
work alongside him in the guarding and farming of
the garden”
As well as God creating marriage so that man would not be
alone, He created marriage so that it would reflect Christ
and His bride. (the Church) Marriage is a sanctifying gift that
the Lord has created for man and woman that requires
sacrifice, selflessness, and reliance on the Lord. Marriage
was intended to reflect God’s love for man and man’s love
& submission to God. While God selflessly sent His son
down to save and serve us, we then submit to Him as head
and follow His leadership. Ephesians 5:1-2

We forget this foundational aspect of marriage because

pop culture has taught us to make marriage about us when,
in reality, marriage was never and will never be about us.
Yes, we can be blessed by it, but that’s only because it is a
gift from God. The fact that we get to benefit from it
doesn’t change the actual purpose and intention behind the
gift- we still have to remember the big picture. If we go into
marriage thinking and believing that it’s for us, we will be
very disappointed. If we think marriage is more about what
our spouse can give us and how they can make us feel
rather than how we can be sacrificially loving our spouse,
we have missed the point.

The creation of marriage was provisional wisdom that the

Lord chose for His people. Marriage is not gifted to us so
that we can feel desirable, loved, or have fun all the time.
Marriage is for Him and His glory alone because we were
created to obey and love Him. And because of that, He saw
fit that we needed others around us. Do we get to reap the
earthly benefits from that of feeling desired, loved, and we
get to have fun while being married? Absolutely! Do you see
the difference?
If you believe marriage is for self benefit, then you
go into it looking at your partner as an object to
do what you want them to do. You look at them
as if they are a tool and will use them as you need
to in order to further your goals, aspirations,
and wants.

If you believe that marriage is for God and God’s

glory, you go into it looking to serve and help
the other person in the things God has called them
to accomplish and steward. You get to join them
in what God is doing within them and through
them.

So short summary of what the purpose of

marriage is :
The purpose of marriage is for man and woman to
help one another serve and love God better than
they would be able to alone.
 02
Chapter 2- “I desire
marriage, what do I do
with that?”

02
I just want to start with saying this:
Desiring marriage is not inherently wrong.
Wanting a husband/wife does not immediately
mean that you aren’t content with where you’re
at right now or that you are lacking faith.
Desiring a good gift is not wrong.

But idolizing a future spouse or future marriage

should be put to death. Colossians 3:5 says, “Put
to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your
earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust,
evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.”

Idolizing and putting your contentment in an

idea of a person is not setting yourself up for
success in your future marriage, if that’s the
Lord’s plan for your life. Have you made
marriage about you or the glory of God? Have
you been focused on God during your singleness
or constantly daydreaming about what you
think your marriage will be like one day?
Let’s say the Lord does have a spouse for you in the
future- what happens when he/she finally does come
about and they're all you’ve focused on?

You will have to be cautious not to compare them to

the idealized version you imagined them to be. You’ve
subconsciously placed such high expectations on them
throughout the years that you will need to untangle
all of that when you get into marriage. You will need to
relearn who they really are rather than the person you
have built them up to be in your head. You will need to
come back to reality because you have been in dreamland
for far too long.

Idolatry can be such a tricky and fine line so lets talk

about it. Sometimes it is hard to discern whether a desire
is an idol in your life or not. Crossway puts idolatry in
this tangible way,

“Here are several symptoms of idolatry:

You’re crushed when you don’t get what you want.

You stake your happiness on getting what you want.
You grumble and complain when you don’t have what you
want.
You demand what you want.

We know we’ve become idolaters when a good thing has

become a supreme thing. And the result of idol worship is
always discontentment.”

This might be a helpful gauge of how to discern if you

have made a future relationship or future marriage an
idol in your life.
Some further scripture that talks about
Idolatry:

Exodus 20:3-6
Psalm 115:4–8
Romans 1:21–23
Habakkuk 2:18
Galatians 4:8–9
So what do you do if you’re idolizing the idea of a
future spouse?

I’m going to go off the list that was previously provided by

Crossway and give suggestions on what to do/how to think
if you are in the cycle of idolatry.

renewal from
that idol mindset :
IDOL MINDSET:
Remember the truth of
God’s word: Our life is not
our own, but Christ’s life.
You’re Gal 2:20. When we hide
ourselves in Christ, He is
crushed faithful to give us the
when you desires of our heart that
not only is for our good,
don’t get but His glory.
(Col. 3, Ps. 37:4, Rom 8:28)
what you
want. We can rest, not in that He
is going to give us a
boyfriend or girlfriend,
but that He knows the true
desires of our hearts and
in His sovereignty, He
knows what is
provisionally best for us.
IDOL MINDSET:

renewal from
You stake that idol mindset :
your
Remember that your hope and
happiness on joy is not based on earthly
factors, but the hope of
getting what eternity. This is where the hard
truth comes into question: Are
you want. you living for the pleasures of
this world OR are you living
for the joy that is to come in
eternity with God?
This is difficult because one must
evaluate their heart in a way
that is either choosing one or
the other. There cannot be one
foot in each camp.

When we quote Galatians 2:20,

we should mean it, “I have been
crucified with Christ. It is no
longer I who live, but Christ
who lives in me. And the life I
now live in the flesh I live by
faith in the Son of God, who
loved me and gave himself for
me.”

When we believe we have been

forgiven and saved, we are now
in Christ which means we are not
our own. The way we live is now
different than the way we lived
before. Our life is not our own.
 renewal from
that idol mindset :
IDOL MINDSET: When we start to grumble and
complain, let us tangibly stop
what we are doing and replace
that discontentment with
You grumble thankful praise of what the
Lord has given us.
and
Philippians 4:6, “do not be
complain anxious about anything, but in
everything by prayer and
when you supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made
don’t have known to God.”

what you when we complain and grumble,

it reveals not only a discontent
want. heart, but a fearful heart. This is
the same fearful heart that Eve
had when she thought she
needed more information than
what God had already given her.

So combat this with taking your

thoughts captive and appreciate
what the Lord has provided for
you in this season.
 IDOL MINDSET:
You demand what you
want.

renewal from that idol mindset :

Instead of demanding what we want or throwing a fit because we

think we need/deserve something that isn’t being given to us, let us
train our minds to believe that what God has given us is in fact
provisionally sufficient. Matthew 6:26.

Let’s take this for example: When a 10 year old girl wants to go hang
out with her friends late at night at a sketchy park and her parents
don’t let her- Is that because the parents are desiring to withhold
something good from her or is it because they know more than her
and they want to protect her from something bad happening?

While this correlation is not exactly the same, we can take this
concept and apply God’s infinite, sovereign, all knowing, wisdom to
our discontentment. We can rest, even if we don’t like our
circumstances, knowing that God has given exactly what we need
for that specific season and He knows infinitely more than we do
or ever will.

He is a faithful provider and protector in which we can find rest

for our anxious heart in the depths of confused prayer. Wrestling
with God is not wrong, by no means, but if wrestling leads to sin,
that’s where it becomes sinful.
If you’re thinking, “What if this area is not an area of
struggle/idolatry and I truly do desire to be married for
the purpose of God’s glory? How do I wait upon the Lord
well?”

I’ll give a few thoughts that have been helpful for me as I

have sought wisdom from other wise believers.

1. Be comfortable knowing that you can

still desire a marriage and desire Christ.
Our heart is beautifully and complexly
created meaning we can in fact, desire both
simultaneously. How do you do this?

You take your thoughts captive, you bring

your desires to the Lord in submission, and
you pray fervently. You don’t pray so God
can finally give you what you want, you pray
so that your heart is at peace regardless of
what God does. You pray so that your heart
is aligned with God’s will and the spirit. John
15.

Bring your requests to the Lord, journal if

that’s something you want to do! But make
sure that your heart is staying glad and
grateful in what God has given you right
now.
2. Know that your life does not START when you get
into a relationship/ get married. You are a whole
person with Christ just as you are right now and you
do not have to have a husband/wife in order to start
ministry/ God’s calling on your life. Start where you
are now!

Matt Smethurst says, “Being single isn’t an obstacle to

being fully human; it’s an expression of it. A woman’s
life, for example, doesn’t “really” begin when she
becomes a wife or a mom, but when she becomes a
royal image-bearer of God.” If you believe that you
have to be married/ be sexually intimate with someone
in order to be a grown up/ a whole person then you
are claiming that Jesus Christ is not a full person. This
does not mean that being single is MORE holy, but we
do not need marriage as a prerequisite to live well
for God. Know all of this truth by starting now.

Start a bible study, go to school, serve in your local

church, do missions, disciple and pour into someone
younger than you, have someone older disciple you,
etc. Walk in the gifts the Lord has given you to do
your part in the great commission! You are part of
the body so be useful now in however that looks.
Romans 12.
3. Learn how to use your single gifts well. If I have learned
anything within the last year of my life, I’ve learned how
beautifully single people can serve the church. Single people,
while they also have a lot on their plate just like families,
they have a flexibility that families naturally do not have.
This means that single people can be a part of the body that
married couples cannot be- no matter how hard they try.

Single people- learn how to use your flexibility to serve

those around you. Take that time and freedom to do things
with friends, disciple younger believers, and serve the church.
The apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:6-8, “6 Now as a
concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were
as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of
one kind and one of another. 8 To the unmarried and the
widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I
am.”

Paul WISHES that more were single because there genuinely is

so much more that can get done for the kingdom when you
don’t have the distraction of marriage at hand. But this
does not mean that marriage is bad because he then goes on
to talk about marriage as a gift, just like singleness is a gift.
Singleness is a sweet gift from God just like
marriage is. Pray that the Lord would
allow your longing heart to see that each
morning. Am I saying to pray the desire
away? No! I’m saying that His grace is
sufficient every morning and it may be
something you have to surrender at His feet
each day.

This desire is not wrong, by no means. But

the temptation is to worship the creation
(marriage) rather than the creator (God).
Romans 1:24-25, “Therefore God gave them up
in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to
the dishonoring of their bodies among
themselves, because they exchanged the
truth about God for a lie and worshiped
and served the creature rather than the
Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.”
03
Chapter 3- “How do I
stop looking at
everyone as a
potential spouse?”

03
We’ve all been there. We can’t be lyin to
ourselves, y’all. A new guy or girl comes
into a youth group/church and the
immediate thought is, “is he/she going to be
my future spouse?” Or maybe it’s a coffee
shop and that’s immediately where your
mind goes to.

Maybe it’s, “they’re cute, and they seemed

kinda nice. I wonder if something is going
to happen?” Or something along those
lines. I would like to publicly laugh at you
and with you. As someone who has also
fallen into this weird mental drama, I
would love to share a few thoughts with
you on this. But for sure one thing:

We don’t know how to be friends with the

opposite sex. And it shows.
 idolatry

Our siblings in Christ are fellow workers. Just like you and I are
workers for the kingdom, so are they. We are all on the same
“team” so to speak. We are all pursuing Christ and our purpose
on this earth is enjoying God and glorifying God with our life.
Our purpose is not marriage- marriage is supposed to be a
symbol of the relationship we have with Christ. Marriage HAS
purpose but it is not OUR purpose. Therefore, we should not be
looking at every single person as a possibility. We should be
looking at them with the eyes that they are our coworkers and
siblings.

Girl- you are not put on this earth for every man to find you
attractive and desirable.
Boy- you are not put on this earth for every woman to find
you attractive and desirable.

It is a joy to be able to be friends with our co workers in the

faith. It is a joy to be able to spur our siblings in Christ unto
holiness. Because God designed it to be as such. There won’t be a
separate section in heaven for the men and women- we are all
God’s children. It’s important to be wise and not be naive within
this, though, because the reality is that we are sinful by nature
and need boundaries.

Disney princess movies and romance movies have ruined our

minds and ability to view the opposite sex as anything other
than a solution to a problem we’re having. This problem being:
wanting a relationship, marriage, or attention more than
honoring the other person.
When we subconsciously idolize relationships/marriage,
everything else becomes subject to that idol. Everything, then,
goes into feeding that beast of an idol that is consuming to
our whole being. Idolatry is not just liking something and
having a momentary glance away from God. Idolatry is a
beast that wants to knock God off of His throne and steal
your attention. Not only does it want to consume you and
distract you, but it wants to convince you that what you
want is more important than anything or anyone else. Still
following?

So with all of that, we are going to do whatever it takes to

get what we want because that’s our sin nature in its most
pure form: selfish, relentlessly chasing after sin, and focusing
on devouring its desire. Our sin nature is not a pretty thing
and that’s exactly why Christ had to come to save us, and give
us a new heart.

So how do we actually switch our minds to thinking about

the opposite sex as a solution to our problem and view them
as a brother/sister in Christ?

Retrain our minds to think rightly.

Romans 12:2, “Do not be conformed to this world, but
be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by
testing you may discern what is the will of God, what
is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Within this topic of viewing others as brothers and

sisters, we need to realize that our minds have been
warped and conditioned to believe in something
other than God’s design. This is because of the world
we live in and our nature of sin, unfortunately.

So we need to acknowledge that what we’re believing

is contrary to God’s word and God’s intention for
his children. This renewal process looks like letting
scripture mold what we believe and actively
choosing to walk out our steps in such a way that
reflects those biblical concepts. Just reading our
bible is not enough, we have to be intentional and
active.

Reading the word, being reflective by praying and

allowing the holy spirit to convict and correct,
applying that scripture to the situation, and then
being intentional to correct your behavior moving
forward.
 Here’s an example of
something I walked
through within this:

I struggled for the longest time (and still do if i’m not careful)
with wanting attention from guys. I wanted their affirmation and
for them to show that they valued me. There was this one guy who I
will call ‘Bob’ that I did a discipleship program with.

Bob had a long distance girlfriend that he hid from people (lol,
red flag) but he would still give me attention and seemed to like me.
I thought I could like him because he was attractive, in ministry,
had some good characteristics, but he obviously was not
spiritually well. It was unclear to most people around us that he
even had a girlfriend, but I was pretty sure he did. And even if he
didn’t, I didn’t like the confusion because there shouldn’t be
confusion around this.

I then found out he did have a girlfriend but he continued to talk

to me and go out of his way to hang out with me. So even though I
wanted to talk to him and hang out with him, because he was
talking to me and hanging out with me, I had to honor him and his
girlfriend by keeping my distance.
It’s easy to convince ourselves of alternative situations
such as, “Well, if he likes me, then he’s going to leave her and
then we’ll be together.” But that wasn’t what the reality was.

The reality was that he was dating someone else and

entertaining things with me. This is not honoring her, me,
himself, or the Lord. So even though he wasn’t leading in this,
I had to do what was right, especially for myself and my
own obedience because if I wasn’t careful, it would lead me
to sin.

Because the truth is that I viewed Bob as a vessel for me to

get my feelings affirmed that I was desirable by a guy. I
wanted the attention. So I had to rewire the way I believed
about Bob. I had to go to the base level understanding I had
of Him, “He is made in the image of God & a brother in Christ.”

I had to be realistic with myself and acknowledge what I was

actually seeking and how I wasn't honoring him or the Lord
with both my thoughts and actions. I had to acknowledge
that what I was wanting was not honoring the Lord.
So once I realized where my faults were at, where I
was struggling specifically, and why I was trying
to seek his validation rather than resting in the
truth of God’s word, I started memorizing
scripture. I tried to pinpoint where my heart was
failing and where it needed molding. So I figured
out that I was not honoring or respecting Bob
and that I was putting myself before him. I had a
few scriptures that really helped me.

1. Romans 12:10, “Love one another with brotherly

affection. Outdo one another in showing
honor.”
2. Philippians 2:3, “Do nothing from selfish
ambition or conceit, but in humility count
others more significant than yourselves.”

Both of these verses spoke to where my heart was

lacking. My heart was being selfish and I needed to
realize that my duty as a believer in Christ was to
put my brother first. My duty is to love those
around me in such a way that is not selfish, but
selfless. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says regarding love, “It
does not insist on its own way;” further affirming
Philippians 2:3.

So I memorized these scriptures and when I was

tempted to act in a certain way, I would declare
them over myself and the situation. Not only
would I read the word, but I would allow the
word to tangibly change the way I was behaving
towards Bob.

(Bob went on to break up with his girlfriend and

marry one of my friends who knew about the
whole situation. LOL.)
I hope this example helps you think through situations
in your own life and possibly provide a starting point
of change.
But I also want to give a base level “template” if you
want to start regarding how to view men/ women like
siblings rather than possible choices for a spouse.

Study God’s word. Memorize 2-3 scriptures that

remind you that they’re made in the image of God.

Think of ways that your heart is distorted and

not loving/honoring them how you’re intended
to.

Find scripture that reminds you of the way that

you are called to love them as siblings in Christ.

When opportunities come up to treat them

differently, do it. Start changing the way you
interact and believe. When a guy/girl comes
walking through the door, take that thought
captive. Think of the verses you have memorized
and don’t entertain those unhelpful thoughts.
Start thinking of things that build them up rather
than objectify them.
 04
Chapter 4- “What do I
do when I am lonely?”

04
 Loneliness

There’s two different people I want to

address in this section regarding
loneliness.

1. The people who want attention &

validation from a
relationship/marriage.
2. The people who are content in the
Lord and are waiting for the Lord to
bring them a spouse, but get lonely in
the meantime.
 1. The people who want
attention & validation from
a relationship/marriage.

You have probably heard all of these things before, but I

want to offer some hard truth to you. I say all of this
in love.

You may not want a relationship or marriage, but

you may want attention and someone to tell you
how great you are.
You may not want to be married, but you talk to
that guy because you know he will give you
attention.
You may not like the guy who is flirting with you,
but you will keep him around in the name of being
“friends” because it meets the emotional boyfriend
needs.
That guy has expressed feelings and it’s not
reciprocated but you keep him around/ don’t give him
a straight answer because you like that someone is
pursuing you.

Do any of these resonate with you? How about any

other type of situation where you’re using someone of
the opposite sex to make things a lil’ more comfortable
for you? This is exploiting someone for your own
personal gain. This is not looking at a brother or sister
in such a way they ought to be looked at.
I know this type of language is blunt, but as
someone who has a longtime history of doing this
and using guys as a toy, I take it seriously. If we as
women get angry at men for using women, we also
need to acknowledge just how harmful it is for
women to do it to men.

Something that has helped me majorly throughout

the years is a few simple phrases,

“Do you want a sanctifying marriage or the benefits

of a marriage?”
“Do you want a relationship that leads to marriage
or the benefits of a boyfriend/girlfriend?”

We must evaluate our hearts and be able to discern

our intentions of why we are doing or not doing
something. Because unless we do that, we will
continue on hurting people whether that is
consciously or subconsciously.

To the person that is lonely and going to the

opposite sex to fill that void, get that void filled
from the Lord. You will not be satisfied in someone
else. Spoiler alert: even the best marriage in the
whole wide world- they are not fully content and
satisfied. And that is God’s design and providence
that our only satisfaction is in Christ.
 And the even harder truth…

If you continue down the path of: idolizing another

person/ a future marriage, seeking validation from someone
else, or finding fulfillment in someone else, you will
constantly feel discontent even if you are with the person
God has graciously given you.

Your mind is going to be so distant from what God has intended for you
that you will just be perpetually disappointed. What a sad life that is. The
truth is that when we look to one person to be our form of happiness,
joy, peace, safety, affirmation of value, this puts a burden on them that
they were never intended to bear.

This is not only not fair or loving to them, but it’s also going to put a
wedge in between you and them.

So find value, find peace, find your confidence, find your security in
Christ alone.
 some encouragement:

Get comfortable being alone, but focus on

relationships with other believers.

be confident in the gospel of Christ.

Don’t text that *one* person.

Don’t hang out with that guy/girl because

you're alone or sad.

Prioritize same sex friendships more so than

opposite sex. Opposite sex friendships are good,
but don’t prioritize them.

Do things that serve others and cause you to

take your eyes off yourself.

Do things that fill your cup up because the

missing ingredient is not a man/woman. A
relationship is not what is missing.
Colossians 3:23, "Whatever you do, work
heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,"
2. The people who are content in
the Lord and are waiting for the
Lord to bring them a spouse, but
get lonely in the meantime.

You may not be like the last section of people. You may
be serving the Lord and leaning into the Lord already
for your contentment. You may even be content being
single most days! But there are days that are harder
than others. I just want to say, that is ok.

Marriage is a good gift that reflects Christ’s love for

His church. Desiring marriage is a good thing and
should not be ashamed of.

I think there’s this weird tension around desiring

marriage because of the misconception that it somehow
means that one does not have enough contentment in
where the Lord has them currently. This doesn’t have to
be true, though I do think it is true oftentimes for
people.

I know of so many people around me who are single and

serving the Lord joyfully right now. They are involved
with the community around them and love others well.
Overall, they are content in the Lord, but they do have
hard days or weeks of being sad that they aren’t
married.
 So I want to give some tangible tips
that may be helpful if you fall into
this category:

Continue in faithfulness to the Lord. Continue seeking Him with earnest

devotion and endurance. Don’t be distracted.

Cling to your local church. Find your community and your people.
Do things that bring you joy and adventure and FUN. Do things that
you wouldn’t be able to if you were in a relationship. Go travel. Do
day trips to a random city near you.

Serve those around you with joy. Single people have such a sweet place
in the local body. Practice selflessness. I have found that being single
somehow gives people the exception to be selfish. It brings me great
joy and purpose to practice selflessness when nobody is watching.

Spend time with married couples. There is wisdom in surrounding

yourself around married couples so you can learn things you
wouldn’t learn otherwise. Also spend time with non-married people,
also. There is joy in doing things with both sets of people.

Spend a wild amount of time with Jesus. The truth is that marriage is
time consuming and mentally consuming. This is not a bad thing by any
means- but it’s a fact that while you are single you GET to spend so
much more time with Christ. You GET to invest in your relationship
with Christ more because you have more time and mental bandwidth.

Loved one, keep pressing into the Lord. Keep praying and serving others. I
have found that by serving others, it takes your eyes off of yourself and
onto others for His glory. God’s design is for us to use our gifts that the
spirit has given us and utilize them for His glory. What great fulfillment
we get to walk in while we are doing what God has put us on this earth to
do!

Don’t wait until you are married, loved one. Get going now!
 05
Chapter 5- “How do I come to
peace knowing that marriage
is not promised?”

05
For those of you who desire marriage and are waiting, I
encourage you to keep pressing into Jesus. Keep living for
Christ with your eyes fixated on eternity and the joy that
is to come. I encourage you to keep viewing God’s
provision through the lens of gratefulness rather than
believing the deceitful lie that God has not given you
enough.

Matthew 19:10-12 says regarding singleness, “10 The disciples

said to him, "If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is
better not to marry." 11 But he [Jesus] said to them, "Not
everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom
it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from
birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs
by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves
eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one
who is able to receive this receive it."

These verses are referring to the people in society who

won’t be married for a few various reasons. For further
explanation, here’s an excerpt from The Wiersbe Bible
Commentary on this passage,

“Some people should not get married because of physical

or emotional problems from birth. Others should not get
married because of their responsibilities in society; they
have been “made eunuchs by man.” An only child who must
care for aged parents might be an example of this
category. Some, like the apostle Paul, stay single that they
might better serve the Lord.”
Hopefully this gives a better insight into what this passage means
and describes. There are different reasons people may not get
married and that’s ok because marriage is not intended for
everyone.

I often hear high schooler’s complain about being single forever

and I just want to hold them and hug them. But I also want to
shake them to try and convince them that their world is so much
bigger than marriage. Their brain is not fully developed yet & They
don’t know who they are yet so what a gift it is to be single while
you figure it out with the Lord.

Then there’s the college students who just want to be in a

relationship so they don’t feel alone. I want to hug them and
remind them that they have their whole life to want things- be
present with the fun stage of life you are in. Relationships are
great, but being able to freely be spontaneous and hang with
friends while you learn more about who you want to be is
priceless.

But to the mid- to- late 20’s / early 30’s pals: I empathize with you. I
know you desire marriage and I know you are living your life to
the best of your ability. And I want to encourage you like I
encourage myself, keep going, keep serving those around you, and
keep enjoying God. you are not behind, you are not hopeless. don't
let people at church make you feel bad for being single, whether
they're joking or not.

I think one of the best answers I could give to someone asking me,
“how do I come to peace knowing that marriage is not promised?” is
this:
Christ is our eternal bridegroom.
You may be rolling your eyes
because it seems to be over-
spiritualizing this question, but it
truly is the answer that our soul
needs. Because our life is not just
for the 70-90 years we live on
earth.

We are spiritual beings with souls

that were created for eternity.

We are yearning for heaven

because God created us to be with
Him.

Our souls were created to

worship Christ.

Our souls were created to dwell

in His presence.

Our souls were created to be in

constant awe and adoration of
Him.

Our souls long to be with Him

more than they long to be
married during this short life.
Here are 5 tangible answers I
would give in response to
this loaded question:

Remind yourself of the purpose of life. The purpose of your

life is to live for Christ and Christ alone. If God sees for it to
be fit that you are to be married, then that means marriage is a
gift to help aid you in your journey towards glorifying God.
If he sees for it to be fit that you are single, then that means
singleness is a gift to help aid you in your journey towards
glorifying God. Both are gifts (1 Corinthians 7) and both can
be appreciated. It’s easy to become discontent when we lose
sight of foundational building blocks like this.

Don’t play a victim. This may sound harsh, but I say this with
love and care. We are not promised marriage because marriage
is not an essential part of living. Just because you aren’t
married right now and don’t see a prospect in sight doesn’t
mean you are called to singleness. This time of singleness
doesn’t mean you will always be single- practice patience.
That’s something that most of us don’t know how to do
because of how fast paced our life is. Our relationship with
God is not like Amazon- we cannot just ask for something and
immediately have it. The Lord will give us a good gift if He sees
fit for us to have it. If we are constantly living in a
victimhood, we’re saying that: 1. We deserve something from
God. (aka entitlement) 2. The Lord is withholding good from us
and that we are lacking. 3. The Lord is not faithful. Loved one,
you have been given everything you need in Him. You have been
given the grace allotted for the day. Tomorrow might be
different. Next year might be different. But stay focused on
each day with what God has given you today. 2 Corinthians
9:8-11. if the lord has not given you someone right now, it
means it's better that you are alone. that can change, but
that's the wisdom for now.
Surround yourself with other believers. Whether they
are married, unmarried, young, or old- surround
yourself around them. God has not made life
unbearable or miserable for single people. Just because
you don’t have a spouse does not mean that your life
will be marked by loneliness. Just like being married
doesn’t mean your life will be filled with fulfillment. We
are created for community and we are created for
union with others around us. We need others and we
need to know & be known by others. When God created
Eve, it wasn’t simply for romantic marital intimacy. God
knew man should not be alone because we were created
to have intimacy with others. For single people, this
comes in the forms of being known by people and
knowing people. It comes in the forms of sharing
dinners together, helping raise your friends’ children
by being another spiritual mother/ aunt. It comes in the
form of helping, serving, bearing burdens, crying
together, grieving together, mourning together,
celebrating together. You are not losing out, loved
one.

Keep serving, keep doing ministry, keep obeying Jesus.

Loved one, keep going. Don’t let being unmarried stop
you. Instead, let it propel you into more radical
ministry that you wouldn’t be able to do if you were
married. This gift of singleness may not last forever in
your life on earth, utilize it as much as you can. Because
if the Lord does call you to marriage, you have a new
gift to learn how to use for the kingdom. So learn this
gift first and have fun with God. But if he doesn’t, you
are already doing what He has put on your heart to
complete and accomplish.
LAstlY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY-
Be close to God.

I know I came out swinging with point #2, but I also

want to empathize with you. If marriage is something
on your heart, God knows that. God is not a heartless
Father, rather, He is a compassionate Father who is
close to those hurting. Look at any scripture in the
book of Psalms and hide there. It’s ok to be sad, it’s ok
to pray for marriage, it’s ok to feel some type of way.
But please, just don’t wait to start living for God.
Singleness is not a hindrance, it’s how we are born and
how we will be spending all eternity. Remember that
marriage is only a symbol of what we will get to
partake in for all eternity with Christ.