Description of a Quack Doctor.

M. J., Dec. 5.-M. Mist, Passing occasionally the other day through a little Village, at some Distance from Town, I was entertained with the View
of a very handsome Equipage, moving towards me. The Gravity of the Gentleman who sat in it, and the Eagerness wherewith the Coachman
drove along, engaged my whole Attention; and I immediately concluded, that it could be nothing less than some Minister of State, who Was
posting this Way, upon some very important Affair. They were now got about the Middle of the Place, when making a full Stand, the Footman
deserting his Station behind, and making up abreast of his Master, gave us a very fine Blast with a Trumpet. I was surprised to see a Skip
transformed so speedily into a Trumpeter, and began to wonder what should be the meaning of such an unusual Phenomenon; when the
Coachman, jumping from his Box, laying by his whip, and slipping off his great coat, in an Instant rose up a complete Merry Andrew. My
surprize was now heightened, and, though honest Pickle, with a World of Grimace and Gesticulation, endeavoured to move my Gaiety, I began to
be very fearful where the Metamorphosis might end. I looked very earnestly first at the Horse, and then at the Wheels, and expected every Minute
to have seen them take their turn in the Farce, and, laying aside their present appearances, assume other Shapes. By this Time the Gentleman, who
had hitherto ap- peared wonderfully sedate and composed, began to throw offhis Disguise; and having pocketed all his former Modesty an
Demureness, and flushed his Forehead with all the Impudenc of a thorough-paced Quack, I immediately discovered him t be a very eminent and
learned Mountebank.

This Discovery raised my Curiosity as much as it abated my Surprize, so that being very desirous to hear what new Proposa the Doctor had to
make, or what new Arcanum in Physick h had found out, I quit”ed my former Station, and joined mysel to the Crowd that incompassed him. After
a short Preamble he began to open the Design of his Embassy, setting forth, a large, the great Affection which he bore, in particular, to th People
of that Place; amplifying on his own Merits and Quali fications, specifying great Numbers of Cures which he ha wrought on incurable
Distempers, expatiating on the extrear Danger of being without his Physick, and offering Health an Immortality to Sale, for the price of a Tester.

You’d have burst your Sides, Mr. Mist, had you but hear the foolish Allusions, quaint Expressions, and inconsistent M taphors, which fell from
the Mouth of this Eloquent Declaime For My Part, I should have wondered where he could hav raked up Nonsense enough to furnish out such a
word Harangue, but that I am told he has studied the Flying-Po with a great deal of Application; and, that most of the Sil Things in his Speech are
borrowed from that excellent Autho Sometimes he’d creep, in the most vulgar Phrases imaginablı by and by he’d soar out of Sight, and traverse
the spacio Realms of Fustian and Bombast. He was, indeed, very spariı of his Latin and Greek, as (God knows) having a very slend Stock of
those Commodities; but then, for hard Words an Terms, which neither he, nor you, nor I, nor any Body el understand, he poured them out In such
Abundance, th you’d have sworn he had been rehearsing some of the occu Philosophy of Agrippa or Rosicrusius, or reading a Lectu out of
Cabala.

After the Doctor had given such ample Indications of tl greatest Humanity, Skill, and Erudition, who d’ye think wou

Be so incredulous as not to believe him, or so uncourteous:

To refuse to purchase one of his Packets? Lest any of u

However, should be too tenacious of our Money, to part wit

It on these Considerations, he had one other Motive whicdid not fail to do the Business; this was, by perawading us, that there were the Seeds of
some Malignant Distemper lurking in every one of our Bodies; and, that there was nothing in Nature could save us, but some one or other of his
Medicines. He threaten’d us with Death in case of refusal, and assured us, with a Prophetic Air, that without his Physick every Mother’s Son of us
would be in our Graves by that Day Twelve- month. The poor People were infinitely terrified, with the imminent Danger they found themselves
under, but were as much pleased to find how easy it was to be evaded; so that, without more ado, every Man bought his Packet, and turned the
Doctor adrift, to pursue further Adventures.
The Scene being now removed, I was at leisure to reflect on what had passed, and could really have either cry’d or laugh’d very heartily, at what I
had seen. The Arrogance of the Doctor, and the Silliness of his Patients, were each of them ridiculous enough, to have set a Person of more
Gravity than myself a laughing; but then to consider the Tragical Issue to which these Things tended, and the fatal Effect so many Murthering
Medicines might have on several of his Majesty’s good Subjects, wou’d have made the merriest Buf- foon alive, serious. I have not often
observed a more hale robust Crowd of People than that which incircled this doughty Doctor; methinks one might have read Health in their very
Faces, and there was not a Countenance among them which lid not give the Lye to the Doctor’s Suggestions. Cou’d but ne see a little into
Futurity, and observe the condition they vill be in, a few Months hence, what an alteration wou’d one ind! How many of those Brawny Youths are
already puking Chimney Corners? And how many Rosy complexioned Firls are by this Time reduced to the Paleness of a Cockney?

I propose in a little Time to make a second Journey to this Place, in order to see how the Doctor’s Physick has operated. By searching the Parish
Register, and comparing the number of Funerals made weekly before the Doctor’s visit, with those which have followed; it will be easy to form
an Estimate of he Havock which this itinerant Manslayer made, in the Space of two Hours. I shall then proceed to compute the number

Of Quacks in the three Kingdoms, from which it will be no

Hard matter to determine the number of People carried off perAnnum by the whole Fraternity. Lastly, I shall calcula Loss which the Government
sustains by the Death of Subject; from all which, the immense Damages accruing Majesty will evidently appear, and the Publick will be
convinced of the Truth of what I have heretofore ass viz. That the Quacks contribute More, toward keeping us than all our National Debts; and,
that to suppress the fo would be an infallible Means of redeeming the latter. Whole Scheme shall be drawn up in due Form, and pre to the
Parliament in the ensuing Session, and that Assembly, I don’t doubt, will pay all the Regard th which the Importance of the Subject, and the
weight o Argument shall require.

Methinks the Course of Justice, which has hitherto ob among us, is chargeable with great Absurdities. Petty Vi are hanged or transported, while
great ones are suffer pass impune. A Man cannot take a Purse upon the Hig or cut a Single Throat, but he must presently be cal answer for it at the
Old Bailey, and perhaps to suffer for Tyburn; and yet, here are Wretches suffered to commit thers by Wholesale, and to Plunder, not only private P
and Pockets, but even the King and the Exchequer, wi having any Questions asked! Pray Mr. Mist, what Gibbets, Gallows, and Whipping Posts
made for?

But to return to Doctor Thornhill. I have had the cu to examine several of his Medicines in a Reverborator ducing compounds into their Simples
by a Chymical Ana and have constantly found a considerable Proportion of poisonous Plant or Mineral in every one of them. Ars Woolfs-Bane,
Mercury, and Hemlock, are sine quibus non he could no more make up a Medicament without so! These, than remove a Mountain. Accordingly
as the variously mix’d, and disposed among other Drugs, he them various names, calling them Pills, Bolus’s, Electr &c. His Pills I would
prescribe, as a Succedaneum Halter; so that such Persons as are weary of this troubl World, and wou’d willingly quit it for a better, but a
squeamish to take up with that queer old-fashioned called Hanging, may have their Business done as securel more decently, by some of these
excellent Pills. Hismen, the English and Scots, at St. Germaine’s, who were formerly Dependents upon the Court of the late Queen Dowager of
England; and, whose Pensions ceased at her Death” by which they were reduced to extreme Poverty. He has given several very considerable
Sums to the Hospital La Charite; but, as great Actions never fail to attract Envy, so there are many, on the other Hand, who load him with Re-
proaches and Curses.