I Needed To Hate You To Love Me

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/53340778.

Rating: Not Rated

Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: F/M
Fandoms: Outer Banks (TV), Rudy Pankow - Fandom, jj maybank - Fandom
Relationships: JJ Maybank/Reader, JJ Maybank/You, JJ Maybank & You, JJ Maybank
& Reader
Characters: JJ Maybank, Reader, Pope Heyward, Kiara "Kie" Carrera, John B.
Routledge, Sarah Cameron
Additional Tags: Friends to Enemies, Friends to Enemies to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers,
Hate to Love, Misunderstandings, Miscommunication, Childhood
Friends, you're one of the, Pogues (Outer Banks), Insults, he calls you
cupcake to mess with you, Happy Ending, Eventual Fluff, Inspired by the
RWRB hospital scene, Love Confessions, I Wrote This Instead of
Sleeping, lots of swearing
Language: English
Series: Part 3 of JJ Maybank
Stats: Published: 2024-01-27 Words: 3,885 Chapters: 1/1
 I Needed To Hate You To Love Me
by neverendingstories

Summary

"Why do you hate me so damn much?" He raises his voice slightly.

"Beginning of summer break four years ago," I start, the words coming out only a whisper,
testing him and looking for every little movement in his face. But all I get is a confused
expression. "I heard you talking to John B about me."

or

A fic that is inspired by the RWRB hospital scene where Alex tells Henry the reason he hates
him.

Notes

I wrote this in the middle of the night for several days, so please, if you find any mistakes, let
me know!

See the end of the work for more notes

I hate him. I hate him so much.

That‘s all I can think while I’m sitting right across from him. He‘s laughing about something
on his phone, with his head thrown back and his perfect white teeth showing. Internally, I add
it to my list of reasons to hate him.

Just the sound alone makes my head hurt and I secretly compare it to someone scratching a
fork across a plate or fingernails on a chalkboard.

It‘s pretty late, I can see the sun outside already setting and its beautiful colors in the sky
reflecting on the water. So far, it has been a fun day with the pogues and I enjoyed every
minute of it. Until he decided to show up.

We started to argue, of course we did. We always do. Insults were spat out and things almost
turned physical.

Until finally, our friends had enough of us, leaving the room and locking the door from the
outside. Now we‘re sitting here, trying to ignore each other like two pouting kids that have
been put into timeout.

I know he hates me back, he always did. And he probably thinks the same exact bad things
about me. I can see it in his face when he looks at me and in the way his whole demeanor
changes as soon as I step foot into the chateau.

I remember exactly how it started that one summer. That gut churning feeling every single
time I looked at him. How friendship turned into hurt, and hurt turned into hate. And all of it
is his fault.

I‘m still staring at him deep in thought when I notice his gaze landing on me. His facial
expression is soft, amused by whatever he watched on his phone that he laughed about. The
orange of the sun shining through the window makes his tanned skin appear golden.

But then, as if he realizes who he’s looking at, his smile drops and his brows furrow.

His phone makes a sound as he presses the lock button on the side and I can see him playing
with it. He drops and catches it with one hand again and again, his eyes never leaving me.

"Can I ask you something?" he asks.

"You just did," I spit out through gritted teeth. If our friends think this is gonna work out like
it did with Sarah and Kie, they are damn wrong. You can‘t undo something that‘s been going
on for four whole years.

At this point we‘re having a full on staring contest. And I‘m not willing to let him have the
satisfaction that I fold first.

"Well, then another question won’t hurt. Why do you hate me so damn much?" He raises his
voice slightly.
I give him a pointed look, lifting both of my eyebrows. Is he seriously asking me this? It‘s
not like he likes me, either.

"Lighten up a little, JJ. I can’t hate you if I don’t give a fuck about you in the first place."

He chuckles to himself, the sound scratches at my eardrums and I can feel a painful tension
headache creeping up my neck. Getting locked in here with him is the worst thing
imaginable.

"You can tell yourself that, cupcake. But I‘d rather hear an honest answer," he replies after
pondering for a while and I can’t help but notice the weird feeling the nickname causes in my
chest.

"JJ," I huff. "The fact you don’t know makes me hate your fucking guts even more."

Several minutes pass and I try not to think about the beginning of all of this four years ago.

"Come on now. What are you thinking about? I can see the wheels turning in that head of
yours," JJ interrupts the memories flashing through my mind.

Suddenly, I want to get out of this room as quickly as possible. Tears start to prick at my eyes
and I‘m not sure how much longer I can hold them back. I stand up, stopping the eye contact
with JJ. I don‘t care about giving in first anymore, I just need to get out and get some fresh
air. It took every last bit of self control to hold back from killing him with my bare hands.

I start banging on the wooden door as hard as I can manage, screaming John B‘s name. I can
feel my throat close up, and I know if I don’t get out now I‘m gonna explode.

"Did you two make up?" Pope asks, his voice muffled by the door between us.

"No. And we never will, don‘t you guys get that? Now let me out, please!"

"Well then, guess you‘ll stay in here for a little longer."

I sigh in defeat and slide down on the door.

I look up at JJ, who‘s now eyeing me with a worried look on his face. It makes me want to
avoid looking at him, so I look down at my feet.

"You okay?"

His words come out almost a whisper and I wonder if he‘s just trying to be nice to get out of
here. That would be typical for him and his theatrics. Still, I lift my head and look him dead
in the eyes, deciding I need to get the immense weight off my chest. I swallow back the
nerves and try to get my shit together.

"Beginning of summer break four years ago," I start, the words coming out only a whisper,
testing him and looking for every little movement in his face. But all I get is a confused
expression. "I heard you talking to John B about me."
When it still doesn’t click for him, I take a deep breath and remind him of the things that
happened.

- 4 years ago -

It was finally summer. We all survived the last couple of tests before we all went on summer
break. Well, some did better than the others. I was pretty sure JJ didn’t even show up for
some of them.

But he was here today, on the last day of this school year. When I saw him this morning, I
almost tripped over my own feet. He looked different. A good kind of different.

He cut off the long golden curls that used to go way over his shoulders and now they only
reached a little over his eyes and ears. He walked up to us with a cool smile plastered across
his face and a new found confidence.

His skin had a light tan from the few hot days we had this year, but I knew he would have
that typical golden brown skin by the end of the summer. I was sure JJ, Pope and John B
already had their surfboards ready to ride every wave they could get. Kie and I were ready to
join them, too.

I couldn’t stop staring at him for the rest of the day and was relieved that he wasn’t in my last
class. I wouldn’t have survived another second with him and that new look.

God, I was so in love with him. Ever since we were little kids I was in love. I took every
opportunity to hold his hand in kindergarten and still remembered when he gave me a little
peck on the cheek on picture day.

When the bell rang for the last time that day, all of us couldn’t wait to get out of there. I
walked around the next corner and already made out John B and JJ, standing next to Kie‘s
locker, waiting for us like we agreed to.

I was about to call them, when John B‘s next words made me stop dead in my tracks
immediately.

"Bro, she‘s been in love with you since kindergarten," he said, and I just knew he was talking
about me. There‘s no one else it could be, it was always just us in our friend group, even in
kindergarten. Was Kie in love with him, too?

No, that‘s not possible, I thought. She always wanted me to tell JJ that I liked him. She even
tried to convince me to write him a love letter, once.

"Ew no, she isn‘t!" I could hear JJ yell angrily. "She‘s not my type, have you looked at her?"

And right then and there, my heart shattered into a million pieces, scattered around the halls
of our school, hundreds of students walking over them trying to get home as fast as possible.
It was a sucker punch to the gut that made me turn on my heel and run in the other direction,
as far away from JJ as possible.

From this day, the dynamics in our friend group changed. The first few weeks I tried to avoid
all of them entirely. After a few months I never joined them if JJ was going to be there too.
Until one day, we started hanging out like we always did again.

But things never felt the same anymore. And the bickering between me and JJ our friends
were used to turned into glares and actual insults, the only words we exchanged were words
of hatred.

And yet it never stopped hurting.

"You can’t be serious right now," he says, bursting out laughing.

His reaction makes my blood boil, I tell him all of this and how it hurt me so much I started
to hate him, and he laughs in my face?

He seems to notice that I‘m not the slightest bit amused and immediately stops, a
dumbfounded look on his face.

"We weren’t even talking about you! You‘re telling me you hated me for four years because
of this?" Something like regret flashes his eyes and his jaw clenches so hard I can see his
whole face tense.

His words echo through my head like a mantra, torturing me for what feels like a lifetime
now, even though it’s only been a couple years.

Have you looked at her?

The disgust in his voice has etched itself into my brain, reminding me every single day how
much he actually hates me.

"You completely took that out of the context, do you know that?" He looks absolutely furious
now, like he‘s genuinely surprised I hate him for that. "I know what I said wasn‘t very nice-”,
he starts off, but the scoff that leaves my mouth interrupts him mid sentence.

"Wasn’t very nice? That’s what you think it was?“

"Would you let me finish the fucking sentence now?“ he yells.

I think about getting on his nerves a little more. I’m just about to say something when he lifts
a finger up, a clear signal for me to shut up and let him talk.
"Yes, it wasn’t very nice, I have to admit that. But it also wasn’t even about you. Don’t you
get that?“

That is… not what I expected to hear, I think to myself.

This can’t actually be the truth. I’m still staring into his direction, but it feels like I’m looking
right through him. I have hated the boy in front of me for so long now that I’m torn between
listening to what he has to say and not believing a single thing that comes out of his mouth.

The same mouth that spat words at me with a face turning red from anger.

How the hell am I supposed to trust him after everything that happened? He just goes from
calling me a slut and a fucking bitch an hour ago to telling me I never actually had a reason to
despise him this much to begin with.

If the conversation between him and another one of my closest and longest friends wasn’t
even about me, then what even was his reason to hate me for all this time? It’s not like I was
the one who started to insult him out of the blue, all I did was try to avoid him.

“Will you actually say something? Please,” he pulls me back to the present.

“Who were you talking about then?”

“Honestly, I don’t even remember her fucking name. Think she was a Kook. Moved away
freshman year,” he says and the expression in his eyes makes me question everything. He
looks so genuine that my stomach drops.

I have to mentally collect and prepare myself before asking the next question. I have a hunch
that I’m now going to be faced with the consequences of thirteen year old me jumping to
conclusions without questioning. So, I take a deep shaky breath.

“Then what was your reason to hate me all this time?” I squint my eyes at him in an attempt
to show him how much I mistrust him right now, even though I’m already starting to doubt
my own judgment.

I can see him trying to hide his trembling hands by fidgeting with them and he closes his
eyes. This time, it’s his turn to exhale a shaky breath.

His next words come out so quiet that I question if he even said anything at all.

“I never hated you.”

“I’m sorry and correct me if I’m wrong, but that sounded a lot like you just said you never
hated me.”

He rolls his eyes at me, starting to look more and more frustrated by me every second that
passes by.

“No, you heard that abso-fucking-lutey right,” he grumbles, and just as I’m about to reply
something mean out of habit, he keeps talking. “I‘ve never hated you. In fact, I’ve been in
love with you ever since you showed up in that beautiful green dress on picture day in
kindergarten.”

My jaw drops. My stomach follows the same direction. I can feel my eyes bulging out in total
shock.

“What?” is all I manage to get out. I feel like a fish stranded on land, my mouth opens and
closes repeatedly, but nothing comes out.

“The green matched the color of your shoes. Your mom braided your hair, like she still does
for special occasions. I was five years old, but then and there, I knew what love was.”

All of that is right, I look at the picture taken that day every time I get myself something from
the fridge. My mother put it up there ten years ago, it’s her favorite picture of me. The fact he
remembers what I was wearing ten years ago leaves me speechless.

“But then-” the words seem to get stuck in my throat and I have to start over again. “Why did
you start calling me a slut and all these things?”

“Because you were so damn infuriating, you were such a trigger-happy slimy fuck. Until I
came over and your smile crumbled in an instant. That fucking hurt, you know?”

“I do know what it feels like being in love with someone who’s been my friend since I was
able to take a shit all on my own, only to get stabbed in the back and that betrayal breaking
my fucking heart,” I tell him. “I realize now that it was a big misunderstanding, but that
doesn’t undo the hurt.”

He nods and I know he understands me. Of course he does, he went through the exact same
thing. He looks around the room, obviously thinking about his next words. When his eyes
turn back to me, I can see his eyes glistening.

“We hurt each other pretty damn much, didn’t we? I’m sorry that I never confronted you after
I noticed how your behavior changed around me.”

My throat starts to burn and I notice the familiar feeling of tears in the corner of my eyes. We
did this to each other all because of a little misconception. I realize that it wasn’t all his fault
like I thought. JJ isn’t the bad guy that I made him out to be. It is my fault all along.

“I’m sorry, too, JJ. I put the blame on you and you never did anything wrong.”

“Took you long enough!” I jump, startled by the sudden loud voice from the other side of the
door that’s between us and freedom. I can’t tell if the voice belongs to Sarah or Kie, but relief
floods my body, hoping they will finally let us out now.

JJ and I get up and storm toward the door at the same time, almost crashing into each other.

He starts banging on the door just like I did earlier.

“For god's sake, would you please let us out now?”

Then, we both hold our breath as the sound of a key turning reaches our ears and a few
seconds later, we’re face to face with our four best friends eyeing us skeptically.

“Did you actually make up or was that just for show?”

We exchange a look, and what I see makes my stomach twist in a good way. JJ looks at me,
the familiar crinkle in his eyes and his lips turning upward in a soft smile. Words cannot
express how much I missed the way it always made me feel to receive one of those smiles.
One that lights up his whole face.

He nods his head slightly, with a questioning expression in his eyes. Of course, I give him a
nod back.

“We’re good,” he says, his eyes lingering on me a few more seconds before he turns to face
the others.

“Finally!” Pope exclaims, throwing his fist up in the air.

“Does that mean we can actually have a drink together without one of you trying to kill the
other?” Kie asks with an unsure smile on her face and her face a silent question directed at
me: “Are you sure you’re okay?”

She is actually the only one of the pogues I told about the incident four years ago. When I
told her back then, she was ready to kick in JJ’s door and rip out his tiny balls for talking
about me like that. Her words, not mine.

I give her the subtlest of nods, before I can answer her actual question I hear JJ say:
“Depends. Did you keep the beer cool or is it gonna taste like fresh ‘n warm piss?”

I burst out laughing at his words and his head turns to me in a quick motion. I wouldn’t be
surprised if he got whiplash from that movement alone.

“I would ask how you know how piss tastes, but I don’t know if I’m ready to hear that story.”

All of us start laughing together and we make our way down the hall and into the living
room.

John B grabs a can of beer and hands it out to us. I look around the room, stopping when my
eyes land on JJ, and a warm feeling spreads throughout my body. Seeing all of us sitting
together in peace is like I finally got that missing piece back.

It’s the middle of the night and a couple of hours have passed as we’re sitting outside by the
empty fireplace. The others went to sleep about an hour ago, leaving us to ourselves. Seems
like they trust us enough to leave us alone now.
The moon and the sky full of stars are the only sources of light out here but I can still see the
silhouette of JJ, who’s sitting about half a meter away from me. A joint is hanging loosely
between his lips when he flicks the lighter in his hand, the light blinding me for a few
seconds.

Before he gets the chance to light it, though, I snatch it from his lips and throw it as far as I
can without seeing where it ends up flying.

“Has no one ever taught you not to smoke weed after alc?” I ask him, lips firmly pressed
together into a straight line.

“Just because someone tells me something doesn’t mean I give a fuck,” is all he says and I
barely make out the shrug of his shoulders.

Typical, I think and roll my eyes.

He props himself up on his hands and scooches closer to me, his naked knee now touching
mine. Just by that touch alone goosebumps erupt on my skin and make the hair on my arms
stand up, a shiver running through my body.

“You cold?” he mumbles. I can hear the smile and a flirty tone in his voice and can’t help but
feel a little hope deep inside my chest. He knows he’s responsible for my body acting up.

I shake my head anyway.

I’ve been thinking about the confession he threw at me earlier the whole evening and even
now, I can’t stop my mind from going there.

The fact that he said he’s always been in love with me not only makes me happy but also
makes me anticipate the future. He now knows that I feel the same way about him. At the
same time I feel a weight on my chest, mourning what could have been if we just talked
instead of hating each other.

We played this game for so long, it feels weird to act normal around him. Like nothing ever
happened.

He whispers my name and I can see his hand moving out of the corner of my eyes before it
lands on my thigh. It’s warm and soft except for his calloused fingertips and it’s giving me a
tingling sensation. His thumb starts drawing small circles on the inside of my thigh and a
suppressed sigh slips out of my mouth.

I close my eyes and jump when his other hand touches my cheek as I didn't see it coming this
time. I open them and notice how close his face is now.

“I wanna kiss you so bad right now,” he whispers and a nervous giggle escapes his lips. His
warm breath hits my face.

“Then do it,” I whisper back, barely able to hear myself talk over the ringing in my ears.

And then he finally does it.

His mouth comes crashing onto my lips in a hard kiss. My arms immediately wrap around his
neck, pulling him as close to me as possible. And yet, it still doesn’t feel like it’s close
enough. I pushed him away for so long that I have no idea how to survive any longer without
him near me.

He pulls away from me long enough to let out a happy giggle before I grab him by the hair at
the back of his head and pull him back for another kiss.

This one is sweet, our lips moving in sync and I can taste a mixture of the cheap beer, a hint
of weed and something I can only describe as simply JJ.

His hands move down on my body, coming to a halt on my waist with a firm grip before he
pulls me onto his lap, my legs now straddling his thighs. He never pulls away from the kiss,
though, and god, he kisses me like he’s been starving and longing for it for far too long.

The moment is perfect. It’s even better than I always pictured it.

After admitting our feelings for each other after such a long time, this is just the beginning of
us. JJ and I together.

fin.
End Notes

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