FROM THESERI

ES:BI
BLETEACHER'
SGUI
DE:
BUI
LDI
NGFOUNDATI
ONSFORAGODLY
MARRIAGE:APRE-
MARRIAGE.

Foundat
ionFi
ve:
Conf
li
ctResol
uti
onI
nMar
ri
age

Howshoul
dcoupl
esr
esol
veconf
li
cti
nmar
ri
age?

Confl
icti
s,essenti
all
y,par
tofhumannat ure.Aft
erAdam sinnedintheGarden,confl
ictensued.
WhenGodaskedhi mifhehadeat enoft heforbi
ddentree,hedidnotsimplysay,“
Yes.”Hesai d,
“Thewomany ougaveme, gavemet hef rui
tandIdideat.”Heindi
rect
lybl
amedGodanddi rectl
y
blamedthewoman.Thewomant henbl amedt heserpent.Whensinenter
edt hewor l
d,sodid
confl
i
ct.Infact,
Godsai dthatoneoft her esul
tsofsi
nwoul dbeconf l
i
ctbetweent hemanand
thewoman.Thewi fewoul ddesiretocont rolt
hehusbandandt hehusbandwoul dt r
yto
dominatethewomanbyf or ce(
Gen3: 16).

Aswegot hroughoutthebibl
icalnarr
ative,wecontinuallyseethefruitofsindisplayedin
confli
ct.I
nGenesis4, Cai
nkill
edhisbr otherAbel.I
nt hesamechapt er,Cain’
sson, Lamech,
ki
ll
edanot hermanandboast edabouti t.InGenesis6, t
hewor ldwasf ul
lof“vi
olence,”andGod
decidedtowi peouti
tsinhabitant
sthrought hefl
ood.Howev er,t
hef l
ooddi dn’tchangethe
natureofman, andtheref
ore,confl
icthascont i
nuedt hroughouthistory.Thewor ldhasknown
not i
mewi thoutwarorconfli
ct,andunf ort
unatel
y,mar r
iagesarenotexempt .

Paultaughtthatoneofthefrui
tsoftheflesh,
oursinnature,i
s“di
scord”(Gal5:20).Wear e
pronetoof f
endothers,
tobeof f
ended,tohate,t
owi t
hholdforgi
veness,andtodivide.Sadly
, al
l
thesefrui
tsarepronetoblossom wi
thinthemarriageunion.Coupl
esshouldbeawar eofthis,
andtherefore,
prepar
etoresolveconfl
ictinmarri
age.Howshoul dcouplesresolveconfl
icti
n
mar r
iage?

I
nConf
li
ct,
WeMustHav
etheRi
ghtAt
ti
tude

Thef i
rstpr i
nciplenecessar yt or esolv econf l
ictist ohav ether i
ghtatti
tude—oneofj oyful
expectationinGod.I tisgoodt or emembert hatconf l
ictdoesnotnecessar i
lyhav etobe
detri
ment altoamar riager elati
onshi p.Conf lict,aswi thalltri
als,i
smeantt otestourf aith,reveal
sininourhear t
s,dev elopchar act er,anddr awuscl osertoGod( cf.Rom 5:3-5,Jam 1:2-4) .Paul
saidthis:“Notonl yso, butweal sorejoiceinoursuf feri
ngs,becauseweknowt hatsuffer i
ng
producesper sev erance; persev erance, character ;andchar acter,hope”(Rom 5: 3-4)
.Simi larl
y,
Jamessai d,“Consideri tpurej oy ,mybr other s,whenev eryoufacet ri
alsofmanyki nds,because
youknowt hatt hetestingofy ourf ai
t hdev elopsper severance”(James1: 2-3).Paul saidt hatwe
shouldr ej
oicei nsufferings,andJamessai dweshoul dconsideri t“
purejoy”whenweencount er
them becauseofGod’ spur posesi nt hem.Goddoesnotwast esuf f
eri
ng,includingconf l
ict
withi
nmar ri
age.Godusesconf l
icttomakeusgr owi ntotheimageofChr ist(cf.Rom 8: 28-29),
whichshoul dbeourul ti
mat egoal .
Manyt i
mesGodusesourspouseassandpapert osmoot houtareasinourli
fethatdon’
tref
lect
Chri
st.I
thasoft
enbeensai
d,“Mar
riageisnotabouthappiness;i
tisaboutholi
ness.Andwhen
weareholy,t
henwewil
ltr
ulybehappy.”I
nmar r
iage,weentertheulti
mateaccountabi
li
ty
rel
ati
onshi
p,whi
chismeanttohel
pusgr owasGod’ schi
ldren(cf.Eph5:
25-27).

Therefore,asJamest aught( James1: 2)andPaul taught(Rom 5:3),weshoul dencount er

mar i
talconfl
ict(andall t
ri
als)wi thjoy
fulexpectati
on,notbecauseweenj oysuf f
ering,but
becauseweknowGod’ spur posesi ni
t.Wewor shi
paGodwhot ookt heworstsint hatev er
happenedi nthewor ld,themur derofhisSon, andmadei tthebestt hi
ng.Iti
sf orthisreason
thatwecanhav eaj oyfulexpect ati
on,eveninconfli
ct.Thisisn’
tadeni alofpain.I
ti sbot ha
recogniti
onofpai nandaf uturehope.I ti
slikeamot hergivi
ngbi r
th.Eveninthemi dstofpain,
thereisajoyfulexpectation.Manycoupl es,whohav egonet hroughv erydi
ffi
cultconflict,
developedsomeoft hestrongestmar riages—mar r
iagesusedt ocounsel andrepai rothers.

Whati sy ouratt
it
udewheny ouencounterconf
li
ctwit
hy ourmat
e?I fwedon’thav et
heright
att
it
ude, ifweareangryatourmat eandangryatGod,ifwearedepressed,bi
tter,
and
di
sil
lusioned,thenitwil
lnegat
ivel
yaff
ectourbehavi
orandourspouse, andtherefor
e,r
eap
harmful consequencesinmarri
age.Confl
icti
sreal
l
yjustanopportunit
ytogrow, andweshould
vi
ewi tthatway .

Whatisyourat
ti
tudeduri
ngconfl
ict?Doyouhaveajoyf
ul expect
ati
onoftheworkthatGod
wantstodo?Doy ouexpecthi
mt omakey ouhol
i
er?Doy ouexpecthimtostr
engthenyour
capaci
tyt
olove?That’
showScr i
pturet
ell
sustoviewal
ltrial
s.

I
nConf
li
ct,
WeMustDev
elopPer
sev
erance

Inconti
nui
ngwi t
hwhatPaul andJamest aughtabouttri
als,bothtaughtt
hatt r
ial
sproduce
persev
erance.Paul t
hensaidperseverancepr oducescharacterandcharacterhope(Rom 5:3-
4).
Jamessaidt hatweshould“letpersev
er ancef i
nishi
tswor ksothatwecanbecomemat ureand
complete,
notl acki
nganyt
hing”(James1: 3-
4,NIV2011).Inmar it
alconfl
ict
,wemustdev el
op
persev
erancesowecanpr oducethef ruit
sGodwant st
ocul ti
vateinourmar r
iage.

Thisisdif
ficul
tbecauset henaturalresponset otrial
sandconf li
ctistobailorquit.Andt hat’
s
whatmanycoupl esdo.Atsomepoi ntt heysay ,“That’senough; Ican’tl
ivel
ikethis”andt hey
quit
.Somedot hi
sbydi vorci
ng,othersbydi stancingt hemselvesemot i
onal
lyandphy sical
ly,
as
theystopwor kingt ofi
xt hemarri
age.Howev er,Scr i
ptureteachesust operseverei ntrial
s,which
i
ncludesconf l
ict.Thewor dmeanst o“ bearupunderaheav ywei ght.
”Godmat uresus
i
ndiv i
dual
lyandcor por
atelyaswebearupundert heheav ywei ght.Heteachesust otrusthim
mor e.Hehelpsusdev eloppeace, pati
ence, andj oy ,
regardlessofourci r
cumst ances.Hehel ps
usgr owinchar acteraswe“ letpersever ancef i
nishitswor k.”

I
nordertoresol
veconfl
ict
,wemustdeveloppersev
erance.That
’sessenti
all
ywhatwepromi sed
todoinourweddingvows.Wecommi t
tedtoloveourspouseinsicknessandinheal
th,f
or
bet
terorf
orworse.Weshouldbethankfulwheniti
s“bett
er”andpersever
ewheni ti
s“worse”.
Forthosewhodo,
therei
sfr
uit
.Paulsai
d,“
Letusnotbecomewear yindoi
nggood,
foratt
he
properti
mewewil
lreapaharv
esti
fwedonotgiveup”(Galat
ians6:9)
.

Doy
ouf
eel
li
kequi
tt
ing?Hol
don,
becauseGodhasahar
vestf
ory
oui
fyoudon’
tqui
t.

I
nConf
li
ct,
WeMustSowGoodSeeds

Notonl ymustwehav etheri

ghtattit
udewhenencount er
ingconfli
ct,
butweal somustsowt he
ri
ghtseedst oresol
veit
.Paulsaidthatwhateverwesow, wewillal
sor eap(Gal6:7)
.Sowingand
reapingisapri
ncipl
eGodsett hroughouttheeart
h,anditisatworkwithineverymarri
ageas
well.Ifwesownegativeseeds,wewi l
lreapnegati
vefr
uit.I
twesowposi t
iveseeds,wewill
reap
positi
v ef
rui
t.

Sadly,eventhoughweal lwantaposit
iveharv
estinourmar r
iage,wety pi
cal
lyrespondinway s
thatarecountert othat.Awifewantsherhusbandtospendmor eti
mewi thher,butinorderto
getthat,shecrit
icizeshim.Thefrui
tshedesir
esi sopposi
teoftheseedshei ssowi ng.Theseed
ofcrit
ici
sm wi l
lonlyproduceanegativefr
uiti
nherhusband.Simi l
arl
y,ahusband, whowant s
i
ntimacywi thhiswi fe,
actual
lybegi
nstowithdrawfrom her
.Hewi thdrawshopingt hatt
hiswil
l
drawhercl oser,butitactual
l
ydoestheopposite.Thenegati
veseedofwi t
hdrawingcannot
producet hepositi
v efr
uitofi
nti
macy.

I
nconf l
ict,wemustdotheopposit
eofwhatournat ur
edesires.Wemayhaveadesiretorai
se
ourvoi
ce, and/
ortohur
ttheotherperson,
buttheseseedswi l
lonl
ypr
oducenegati
vefr
uit
sand
potent
iall
ydestr
ucti
oni
nt hemarri
age.Toresolv
econfli
ct,
wemustal way
ssowt heri
ghtseeds.

Si
mil
arl
y,consi
derwhatPaul
taughtabouthowweshoul
drespondt
oanenemy
.Hesai
d:

Donottaker evenge,
myf ri
ends,
butleaveroom forGod’
swr ath,
foritiswri
tt
en:“
Iti
smineto
avenge;Iwillr
epay,
”saystheLord.Onthecontrary
:“I
fyourenemyi shungry,f
eedhi
m;ifheis
thi
rst
y,givehim somethi
ngtodri
nk.Indoingthi
s,youwillheapburningcoal
sonhishead.”Do
notbeov ercomebyev i
l,
butovercomeevilwit
hgood.

Romans12:
19-
21

Paultaughtthatinresponsetoanenemy , wemustovercomeev i
lwi
thgood.I
nst
eadof
respondi
ngwi thangerorseekingrevenge,weshouldsowki ndnessandgener
osi
ty.Ifhei
s
hungry,f
eedhi m.Ifheisthi
rst
y, gi
vehim somethi
ngtodrink.Inst
eadofbei
ngovercomebyev
il
,
wemustov ercomeev i
lbycontinual
lysowinggood.

Whatgoodseedscanwesowwhi lewear ei
nconf l
ict
?Maybe,i
tcoul
dbethegoodseedofa
l
ist
eni
ngear.I
tcoul
dbet heseedofaff
ir
mat i
on.Itcoul
dbetheseedofser
vice.Certai
nly
,it
mustbetheseedofuncondi
ti
onall
ove.Inconfl
ict,
wemustsowgoodseedst or eapagood
har
vest
.
Wi t
hthatsaid,wemustal way sremembert hatconf l
ictresoluti
onisverymuchl i
kefar
mi ng.
Somet i
mes, itmayt akemont hsoryearstogett heharvestwedesi re.Manybecome
discouragedwhi l
ewai ti
ngf orthei
rspouset ochangeorf ortheconfli
cttober esolv
ed.Ty pical
l
y,
i
nt hatdiscouragement ,peoplestarttosownegat iv
eseedst hatonlyhindertheharvestthey
seek.Av ersewor t
hr epeatingwhileconsideri
ngconf li
ctresoluti
onis,“
Letusnotbecomewear y
i
ndoi nggood, foratthepr opertimewewi l
lreapahar vestifwedonotgi veup”(Galat
ians6: 9)
.
Wemustnotonl ysowgoodseeds, butwemustf ai
thfull
ydoi tunti
lGodbr ingstheharvest.We
plantandwat er,butonlyGodmakest heseedgr owinhi stime( cf
.1Cor3: 6-7).

Whatty
peofnegat
iveseedsdoyouhaveatendencytosowwheni
nconf
li
ct?Howi
sGod
cal
l
ingyout
osowpositiv
eseedstoreapaposit
ivehar
vest
?

I
nConf
li
ct,
WeMustTal
ktoOurSpouseFi
rstBef
oreOt
her
s

Anotherimportantpri
ncipl
et oapplyi
nconf l
ictistalki
ngtoourspousefi
rstbef
oret al
ki
ngto
anybodyelse.Thisisapr i
ncipl
ethatChristtaughtaboutdeal
ingwithsi
ningeneral.InMat
thew
18:
15hesai d,“Ify
ourbr ot
hersinsagainstyou, goandshowhi m hi
sfaul
t,j
ustbetweenthetwo
ofyou.Ifheli
stenstoy ou,youhavewony ourbr ot
herover
.”

Thisisimpor t
antf orseveralr
easons.Fi r
st,i
tshowsr espectf orourspouse.I tisdisrespect
fulto
discussapr oblem withourmom, ourfr
iend,orany bodyelsenotf i
rstdiscussedwi thourspouse.
Ifourspousef i
ndsout ,itmayact uall
ycausemor econf l
ict.Secondl y,ever
yst oryhast wosides,
andt hosewhoar eclosesttous( suchasf amilyandf ri
ends)maynothav etheabili
tytogiveus
unbiasedcounsel .Evenf ormyself,asapastor alcounselor,Ihav etowor kreallyhardt onot
j
umpt oconclusionsaf t
erhearingonl yonesideoft hest ory.Thisdoesnotmeant hatwe
shouldn’ttal
ktot hoseclosesttous, weshoul d,butonlyaf tertryi
ngt oresolveitwithour
spousef ir
st.Andwhenwedot alkt oothers,
weshoul dst i
l
l respectandhonorourspouse.

Chr
isttaughtthatwhensomebodysinsagainstus,weshouldgotot
hatper
sonfir
st(Mat
t
18:
15).Manycoupl esincr
easet
hei
rconfl
ictbybringi
ngothersi
nwit
houtf
ir
stseeki
ngtoresol
ve
i
twiththeirspousealone.

I
nConf
li
ct,
WeMustSeekWi
seCounsel
ors

Thoughthispoi
ntmayseem l
ikei
tcont
radi
ctstheprev
iousone,i
tdoesn’
t.Chr
istt
aughtthatwe
shouldconfr
ontaper
soninsi
noneonone, andift
heydon’tr
espond,t
heninvi
teot
hersintothe
process,
incl
udi
ngthechur
ch.Matt
hew18:16-17saysthi
s:

Buti
fhewil
lnotl
isten,
takeoneort woothersal ong,sothat‘ev
erymatt
ermaybeestabl
ishedby
thet
est
imonyoftwoort hr
eewitnesses.
’Ifher efusestoli
stentothem,t
ell
itt
othechur
ch; and
i
fheref
usestoli
steneventothechurch,treathim asyouwoul dapaganorataxcol
lect
or.

Thoughthiswasor i
ginal
l
yspokenaboutabrot
heri
nsin,i
tcert
ainlyappli
estosinorconfl
ict
wit
hinmarriage.Godmadeuspar toft
hebodyofChri
st,whi
chincludesourmarriage.Whena
nat
uralbodyissick,i
toft
enresul
tsinf
ever
.Inafev
er,t
hebodysi mplyrecrui
tsi
tsel
ftobri
ng
heal
ing.I
nthesameway ,
aChr
ist
ianmarr
iageneedsthebody
’shel
ptostayhealthy
.Marr
iages
shouldal
waysoper
ateasapar
tofthebodyofChrist
,buti
nti
mesofdif
fi
cult
y,theyneedt
he
body’
shelpevenmore.

Formany ,t
hisiscount ercult
ural.Whil
einser i
ousconf l
i
ct,manycoupl eshesitatetoinvite
anybodyintotheirmar r
iaget ohelp.Pri
dekeepst hem from exposingthemselv esandget ti
ng
thehelptheyneed.Thi sisact uall
yanotherresul
toft heFal l
.WhenAdam andEv eateofthe
for
biddentree,theylookedatoneanot her,sawt heirnakedness,andhi d.Theyt henputonf i
g
l
eaves.AttheFal l
,humani tylostitsi
ntendedt r
anspar ency.Wehi defrom oneanot her;weput
onaf akesmi l
eev enwhent hi
ngsar ebad.Wehi debehi ndourclothes,ourhouses, ourjobs,and
ourhobbies.Wear edeathlyaf r
aidofpeopleknowi ngus: ourinsecuri
tiesandourpr oblems.We
evenhidefrom God, asAdam andEv edid.

Howev er,i
nordertobui l
dthehealthymar ri
ageGodmeantf orus,wemustbewi lli
ngtoex pose
ourselv
esandseekhel p.InMatthew18, Chri
stsaidthatifapproachi
ngt hepersoninsindoes
notwor k,weshouldbringoneort woot hersforaccountabil
i
ty.Ift
hatdoesn’thelp,i
nvit
et he
church.Andifthatdoesn’thel
p,thechur chshouldlovi
nglydiscipl
i
netheer ri
ngmat e.Thisis
dif
ficul
t,buti
fwear efoll
owersofChr ist
, wemustt r
ustheknowsbest .Godwant stouseot her
godlypeopletospeaki ntoourmar ri
ageandshar penitasironsharpensi r
on(Prov27:17).

Whowoul dyouinv
itetohelpyourmarri
age?Theyshoul
dbewi sepeopl
ewhocanunderst
and
you,andwhoarewal ki
ngwithChri
st—pref
erabl
yamar r
iedcoupl
e.Sol
omonsai
d:“
Forlackof
guidanceanat
ionfall
s,butmanyadviser
smakev i
ctor
ysure”(Pr
ov11:14)
.

Everypresi
dentorkingselect
sacabi netwithmanyadv i
sers.Thecabinetadvisest hepresi
dent
onforei
gnpolicy,educat
ionalr
eform, heal
thcar
e, et
c.,andt hi
smulti
tudeofcounsel orshel
ps
bri
ngv i
ctor
y.Inthesameway ,
amar riageneedsamul tit
udeofcounsel ors,
especi all
ywheni n
confl
ict
.Yes,acoupleshouldtrytoresolvetheproblem togetherf
ir
st,butafterthat,theyshoul
d
seekhelp.

Thisshoul dbeconsi der

edev enbef oregetti
ngmar ri
ed.Whowi l
lbey our“manyadvisers”that
makev ictorysure?Itcouldbey ourparent
s,awi secoupl
eint hechur ch,y
ourpastor,yoursmall
groupleader ,
etc.Thesel ecti
onoft hesewisecounselorstakesgr eatwisdom becauseall
counselorsarenotcr eatedequal .Thesecounsel or
sshoul
dpr imar i
l
yuset heBibl
e,asScr i
pture
i
ssuf f
icienttotrai
nusi nal l
righteousness.SecondTimothy3: 16-17sayst hi
s:

AllScr
iptur
eisGod-br
eathedandi
susef
ulf
ort
eachi
ng,r
ebuki
ng,
cor
rect
ingandtr
aini
ngin
ri
ghteousness,
sothatthemanofGodmaybethor
oughl
yequi
ppedf
oreverygoodwork.

God’
sWor di
susef
ultotr
ainandequi
pusforever
ygoodwor k,whi
chincl
udesmar
ri
age.Those
whodisr
egar
dScri
ptur
e,doitt
othei
rownperi
landthatoft
heirmarri
age.

I
nfindi
ngcounselor
s,i
deal
ly,
thecoupl
ewoul
dagr
eeonwhom t
oapproach.Butatti
meswhen
onematedoesn’twanthel
p,t
heothermat
emaysti
ll
needt
oseekhel
pinobediencetoChr
ist
’s
teachingi
nMatt
hew18.Thi
sishowChr i
sti
ntendedhischurcht ofuncti
on.Notonlyshouldwe
dependonGod,butweshoul
ddependononeanot her.Theey ecannotsaytothehand, “
Idon’t
needy ou”(
1Cor12:
21)
.Bynotusi
ngthebody ,
wespi r
itual
l
yimpov erishour
sel
ves.Independent
couplesmayspendt
hei
renti
remarr
iagespi
ri
tuall
ysick,orevenwor se,themarr
iagemayendi n
divor
ce.

Whoarey ourwisecounsel
orswhohel
pyouachi
evevict
ory?Havey
ouandyourmate
consi
deredthi
squestion?Ar
eyouwil
li
ngtoal
lowthechurchtobei
nvol
vedi
nyourmarr
iageas
Chri
stdesir
es?

I
nConf
li
ct,
WeMustI
mmedi
atel
ySeekResol
uti
on

Anotherimport
antprinci
plethatmustbeappli
edinmarr
iagei
stoseekt
or esol
veconf
li
ctas
soonaspossible.Bothmat esshouldagr
eetothi
spri
nci
pleear
lyi
nther
elati
onshi
p.Paulsaidi
n
Ephesians4:
26-27:”I
ny ourangerdonotsin:
Donotlett
hesungodownwhi ley
ouaresti
llangr
y,
anddonotgi v
et hedevilafoothol
d.”

Paulsaystogetri
dofangerbef
orethedayi
sov er
,becauseifwedon’t
,itwil
lgiv
eSatana
foot
hold.Whatdoest
hismean?“Foothol
d”i
swart er
minology.I
tmeanst hatunf
orgi
venessand
angerwill
giv
eSatanadoortoconti
nuall
yat
tackapersonorar el
ati
onship.

Wel earnmor eaboutthi

sf r
om thePar ableoftheMer cil
essSer v antinMatthew18:23-35.I
nthis
story ,aserv
antowedhi smast eragr eatamountofmoney ,sohebeggedf ormercy.Themast er
forgav ehimt heentir
edebt.Howev er,thi
sser v
anthadaf el
lowser v
antwhoowedhi m asmaller
debt .Theserv antwit
hthedebtpleadedf ormer cy,buttheser vant,whohadbeenf orgiven,
i
nst eadt hr
ewhi mi npri
son.Whent hemast erheardaboutt hi
s, hebecamev er
yangryand
tossedt heser vant
,whom hehadpr evi
ouslyforgiven,
intopr i
sont obet or
turedbythejail
ors.
Listent owhatChr i
stsaidtohisdiscipl
esaboutt hisparable:“Thisishowmyheav enlyFather
willtreateachofy ouunlessyouforgivey ourbrotherf
rom y ourhear t”(
Matthew18:35).

Christsaidtothedisci
plesthatiftheydidn’tf
orgi
veothersfrom theheart,Godwoulddothe
samet ot hem.Whoar etheset ort
urers?Nodoubt ,
theyrefertoSat anandhi sdemons(
cf.1
Sam 16:14, 1Cor5:5,1Tim 1:20).Thi
si stheconsequenceforhar bori
ngangerand
unforgiv
enesst owardsothers.IfGodhasf orgi
venusofev erysinwecommi tt
edandwi
ll
commi t,howcanwej usti
fi
ablyholdgr udgesagai
nstothers,especiall
yourspouse?Whenwe
chooset oholdangerandbi tt
erness,Godhandsusov ertotheenemyf ordiscipl
i
ne.

Formanycoupl es,becauseoft heirdisobedi

encetoGodinholdi
ngbitt
ernessandanger,
thei
r
marri
agehasbecomeapl aygroundf ortheenemy .Hel
i
estothem; heaccusesthem.Hetempts
them t
ogoout sideofthemar riage,andheal somaybri
ngsicknessandothertypesof
consequencesfortheirrebel
li
on( cf.Lk13:11-16,
Job2:4-
7).

Tomakethi
ssit
uat
ionevenwor se,
Scr
ipt
uresayswhenwear ewal
kinginunfor
giveness,God
wi
ll
notfor
giv
eus(Matt6:15)andhewon’thearourpr
ayer
s.Pet
ercall
edforhusbandst obe
consider
ateoftheirwivesandt otreatthem wit
hr espectsothatnothi
ngwouldhindert
hei
r
prayers(1Pet
er3: 7)
.Amar r
iagewher ethemat esholdbitt
ernessandangertowardsone
anotherisamarriagewher eprayerispowerless,whichopensagr eaterdoorf
ortheenemyto
attackandbri
ngdest ruct
ion.

Wheni nconf
li
ct,
wemustseekresolut
ionimmediatel
y.Cer
tai
nly
,wecan’
tforcesomebodyt o
for
giveusortodesir
etoworkt
hingsout.However,wecandoasmuchaspossi bl
et ol
iveat
peacewithsomeone.Romans12:18says,“
Ifi
tispossi
ble,
asfarasi
tdependsony ou,
li
v eat
peacewithever
yone.”

Ar
eyouhol
dingagr
udgeagai
nsty
ourmat
e?Howi
sGodcal
l
ingy
out
oseekr
esol
uti
on?

I
nConf
li
ct,
WeMustBeWi
l
li
ngt
oSacr
if
ice

I
nt rinsi
ct ot heChr i
sti
anlif
eissacrifi
ce.Wefoll
owaSav i
orwholeftheavenandal lt
heworshi
p
offer edtohi mt heretocomet oear t
hasaser vantanddi eforthesi
nsoft heworld.True
follower sofChr istshouldbeknownbysacr ifi
ce.Inf act,
Chri
stsai
dt hatonecouldnotbehis
disci pl
ewi thouttakinguphi scrossdail
y(Lk9:23).Thislif
eofasacrifi
ceshouldbeespecial
ly
displ ayedwheni nconfli
ct.Paulsaidthi
stothePhi l
ippianchur
chwhowasst ruggli
ngwithan
i
nt ernal confli
ct(cf.Phil
4:1-3)
:

Donot hingoutofselfi
shambi
tionorvai
nconceit,
butinhumil
it
yconsiderot
her
sbett
erthan
yourselves.Eachofyoushoul
dlooknotonl
ytoy ourownint
erests,
butalsot
othei
nter
estsof
others.Youratti
tudeshoul
dbet hesameasthatofChri
stJesus:

Phi
l
ippi
ans2:
3-5

Inthecont extofacallt
ouni t
y( cf.Phil
2:1-
2),Paul sai
dthePhi l
i
ppiansshould“donot hingoutof
self
ishambi ti
on”.Thepri
mar yr easoncouplesst r
ugglewithdiscordisbecauseofselfishness.
Oneper sonwant sthi
s,whilet heotherwantsthat .However,Paulsai
dtodonot hingoutof
self
ishambi ti
on.Inconfl
ict
,onemustask, “I
st hisdesir
esomet hingGodwant s,asdisplayedin
hisWor d,oristhi
smypr eference? ”Mostconflict
sar eoverself
ishpref
erencesinst
eadofov er
somet hi
ngt hatgenui
nelymat ters,suchaslovingGodandl ovi
ngothers,t
het wogreatest
commandment s(cf
.Matt22: 36-40).

Inst
eadofbei ngdrivenbyself, Paul saidt o“ inhumili
ty”considerot hersbet t
ert hanour sel
ves
andt oseektheinterestofother s.Inconf li
ct ,onemustask, “HowcanIseekmyspouse’ s
bettermentordesiresovermi ne? ”Essent ially,Paulwascalli
ngt hePhi l
ippianchur chtol i
veali
fe
ofsacr i
fi
ceinordertobeuni fi
ed( v
.2) .Thissacr i
fi
cewasf urthermagni fi
edwhenhesai d,“
Your
atti
tudeshouldbet hesameast hatofChr istJesus”( v.5)
.Int her estofthet ext,hedescr i
bed
howChr i
stgaveuphi sri
ghtsasGod, tookt hef or
m ofaser vant, diedont hecr oss,andhowGod
exaltedhimforhissacr i
fi
ce(v .6-9).Thi sist hemi ndthatshoul dbei nChr ist
ians, hel
pingthem
towal kinunit
ywi t
ht hei
rbrother sandsi ster s.Andthisisthemi ndt hatshouldbeseeni never
y
mar ri
age,enabli
ngthem towal kinuni tyinst eadofdiscord(cf.Eph5: 25).
Chri
sti
ancoupl
esshouldr
esol
vet hei
rconfl
i
ctsbycar
ingmorefort
hei
rspouse’
sdesi
rest
han
thei
rown.Theyshoul
dhumblethemselvesevenasChri
stdi
d.Hegaveuphiscomfor
tandhi
s
ri
ghtst
oserveus.

Howi sGodcal li
ngy outosacrifi
ceinor dertor
esolv
econf li
ctorapot enti
alconf l
i
ctinmar r
iage?
Ishecalli
ngy outogi v
eupaf r
iendshipthatisabadinfluenceorcausesdi scord?Ishecalli
ng
youtohelpmor earoundt hehouse,tocar emorefortheki ds,tostartpart
icipat
inginsomet hi
ng
yourspouseenj oysbuty oudon’t,t
ospendmor eti
mewi t
hy ourspouseinsteadofdoi ng
somet hi
ngelse?Howcany oudemonst r at
eChri
st’
ssacr i
ficeiny ourmar r
iage?Sacrif
iceisthe
secrettoresolv
ingconf l
i
ct ,
whileself
ishnessisthecatalystofconf l
ict.

I
nConf
li
ct,
WeMustLov
eOurSpouseDeepl
yandCov
erHi
sorHerSi
ns

Finall
y,wheninconfl
i
ct,wemustlov eourspouseandcoverhisorhersi
ns.Fir
stPeter4:8say
s,
“Aboveall,l
oveeachotherdeepl
y,becauselovecover
soveramul t
it
udeofsins.”TheGreek
wor dfor“deepl
y”i
sanat hl
eti
cwordusedofmuscl esstr
etchi
ngorstrai
ning.

Thisisar i
chwor d-pict
ureofourloveduri
ngconf l
i
ct.Inthesamewayamuscl emustbe
strai
nedandst retchedtodevelopandbecomest r
onger,Godof t
enstrengthensourlovethrough
confli
ctanddiffi
cultywithourspouse.Eventhought hi
sst r
etchi
nghurts,i
tactuall
yresult
sina
greatercapaci
tyt olove.Ther
efore,
couples,
whodeepl ylov eandcoveroneanot her’
ssinswhile
i
nconf li
ct,gai
nt heabili
tytol
ovemor edeeply.Cert
ainl
y,thi
smustbeanencour agementaswe
stret
chourl ov
et ocov erourspouse’
ssinswhi l
einconfli
ct.

Str
etchingourlovewil
loftenmeanoverlooki
ngandf or
get
ti
ngthefai
lur
esofourspouse.Fi
rst
Cori
nthians13:5sayslove“keepsnorecordofwrongs.
”Godwill
call
ust onotevenbri
ngup
somei ssues.Whil
eothers,hewil
lcal
lustofir
mlyspeakthetr
uthinl
ove( Eph4:
15)andwork
towardsar esol
uti
on,especial
l
ywhenitinvol
vessin.

HowisGodcal
l
ingy
out
olov
eyourspousedeepl
yandcov
erhi
sorhersi
nsi
nor
dert
oresol
ve
conf
li
ct?

Concl
usi
on

Becausesi
nbecamepartofthehumannat ur
eintheFall
,wearepr
onetoconf
li
ct,evenconfl
ict
wit
hthosewelovemost.Forthatr
eason,wemustwi sel
ypr
eparef
orconf
li
ctbecauseitwil
l
happenint
hemarri
ageunion.Wecanr esol
veconfl
i
ctby:

Hav
ingt
her
ightat
ti
tude:
oneofj
oyf
ulexpect
ati
on,
inst
eadofwr
ongat
ti
tudes.

Dev
elopi
ngper
sev
erancei
nst
eadofqui
tt
ingphy
sical
l
yoremot
ional
l
y.

Sowi
nggoodseedst
opr
oduceahar
vestofr
ight
eousnessi
nourmar
ri
age.

Tal
ki
ngt
oourspousef
ir
stbef
oret
alki
ngwi
thot
her
s.
Seeki
ngwi
secounsel
orst
ohel
pusnav
igat
econf
li
ct.

Seeki
ngt
oresol
veconf
li
cti
mmedi
atel
ytopr
eventopeni
ngadoorf
ort
hedev
il
.

Sacr
if
ici
ngourr
ight
sanddesi
resf
orourspouse.

Lov
ingourspousedeepl
yandcov
eri
nghi
sorhersi
n.