Extra English Tapescripts

Episode 1
Narrative
BRIDGET [reading email message]

‘Gigi!!
Did you get my message?
Please call me.
Love, John.
P.S: Did you get the flowers?’
BRIDGET
Is he stupid?!
(Writes email)
‘I told you last night, it’s finished.
Sorry. B.
(And don’t call me GIGI.)’
John [on phone]

But please don’t leave me.
BRIDGET
Don’t cry.
Oh, goodbye.
Oh and happy birthday!
Aah, men!
ANNIE
Come on Charley, come on.
Post, Bridget.
Charley and I have the post, haven’t we Charley.
BRIDGET
Give me the post, Charley. [Dog growls]
Give me the post, Charley.
ANNIE
Drop it, Charley.
Oh, good boy!
Oh, telephone bill, gas bill, electricity bill.
Oh.
Ah, what’s this?
Mmm, a parcel for you, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Oh, good.
What is it?
Oh, it’s from mother.
ANNIE
Oh, ‘Bridget darling, this arrived for you and I made you this. Love Mummy.’
Oh, ho-ho, oh very you, Bridget!
Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

1
BRIDGET
Mother!
Ooh, this is from Argentina.
ANNIE
Argentina. Who from? What does it say?
BRIDGET
[Erm], it says ‘Hello, do you remember me?’
No.
‘Seven years ago we was pen pals.’
‘We was’ - we were pen pals.
Oh yeah, now I remember, it’s Hector!
ANNIE
Who’s Hector?
BRIDGET
He was my pen pal seven years ago.
ANNIE
Oh.
BRIDGET
‘I speak English good now.’ I speak English good.
I speak English well now – ‘and I am coming to England.’
ANNIE
Oh, Latin Americans!
BRIDGET
‘I would like to sleep with you. Do you have a bed for me?’
Oh, he wants to stay here! [Oh]. Ah, ha, ha.
ANNIE
But [erm] what about the rules?
ANNIE
Ooh, a Latin American here, ooh, like Ricky Martin!
Tall, handsome, rich!
So [erm] when is he coming?
BRIDGET
Oh [erm] let me see.
It says ‘November 5th.’
ANNIE
Oh, November 5th.
But that’s …
BRIDGET
… Today!

2
Sound of knocking on door
BRIDGET and ANNIE

Aaaah!!!
BRIDGET
Oh, oh it’s you Nick!
NICK
Hi, babes!
ANNIE
Hello Nick.
How are you?
NICK
Gr-eat.
Nice muscles.
Here’s your milk.
BRIDGET
Our milk.
You mean our milk you borrowed three weeks ago.
ANNIE
Oh, thanks Nick.
NICK
[Speaking in a mock Italian accent]
I forget nothing!
ANNIE
Would you like a drink, Nick?
Would you like a drink, Nick?
Telephone rings
NICK
Uhh.
ANNIE
I said, would you like a drink, Nick?
NICK
Oh!
Sorry.
No thanks.
ANNIE
Oh, erm, Bridget’s friend is coming.
NICK
Oh yeah.
ANNIE
Aha.
From Argentina.

3
NICK
Wow!
From Argentina!
What’s she like?
ANNIE
She is a he!
NICK
Huh?
ANNIE
Not a girl, a boy.
NICK
Oh.
Tough guy, ay!
Why don’t I show you how to do it properly!
BRIDGET
Nick, I’ve told you before, nobody uses my bike, nobody, is that clear?
NICK
Why not?
BRIDGET
Why not?!!
If you touch my bike again, you are out - O-U-T, out. Clear?!
NICK
What?
Sound of door slamming
BRIDGET
I said …
HECTOR
Hello.
ANNIE
Hello.
HECTOR
I am called Argentina.
I am from Hector.
ANNIE
You mean ‘I am called Hector.’
HECTOR
You are called Hector?

4
ANNIE
Oh, no, no, no, I am called Annie.
HECTOR
I am called Annie.
BRIDGET
No! She means ‘I am called Hector, I am from Argentina.’
HECTOR
You are from Argentina!
BRIDGET
Oh, come in!
ANNIE [sending email]

‘Hi Nadia.
Bridget’s pen pal arrived this morning.’
HECTOR
Hello.

‘He is, mmm, strange.’
NICK
Hi babes!
ANNIE
Hello Nick!
[sending email] ‘Oh and Nick from next door is so funny!
He brought our milk back from three weeks ago.’
NICK
I forget nothing!
BRIDGET [sending email]

‘Chrissy! Nick is so stupid, he touched my bike.
Men!’
BRIDGET
Nobody uses my bike, nobody, is that clear?
NICK
Why not!
BRIDGET
Why not?!!

‘Also, Hector is here from Argentina.
His English is not very good.’
HECTOR
I am called Argentina.
I am from Hector.

5
HECTOR
These are my cars.
BRIDGET
You play with cars?!
HECTOR
Yes, you play, no?
I play with cars.
BRIDGET
He plays with cars!
HECTOR
I read.
I love the library.
BRIDGET
Fascinating!
ANNIE
We go to the library too, don’t we, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Yes, it’s great!
HECTOR
Good.
I live here.
BRIDGET
You live in a museum, full of old things?
HECTOR
Old things.
Yes, I have lots of old things.
I live in a museum.
OK, I live in a museum.
ANNIE
Well, thank you Hector and now we’ll show you the flat.
BRIDGET
This is the bedroom.
HECTOR
Thank you.
Who-hey!!
Where do you sleep?
BRIDGET
[Erm] no you don’t understand, we only have one bedroom.
HECTOR
One?
I have twenty.

6
ANNIE
Twenty?
BRIDGET
Yes, he lives in a museum, with twenty bedrooms.
ANNIE
Oh! Ha-ha-ha, very funny, ha, twenty bedrooms!
Laughter
BRIDGET
Well, you can sleep here.
HECTOR
Oh, thank you.
ANNIE
Oh, no, no, no, Hector!
It’s a bed.
HECTOR
A bed?
Ah, oh …
BRIDGET
Here’s a cushion.
HECTOR
Oh, thank you.
ANNIE
Oh, this of course is the TV.
BRIDGET
But just relax, I must go to the bathroom.
Psst! Annie! Bathroom!!
Now!!
BRIDGET
Oh my goodness, what are we going to do?
He plays with toy cars!
ANNIE
He is not a sexy Argentinian.
Mm, but he is sweet.
BRIDGET
And he is polite.
BRIDGET and ANNIE

But those clothes!
ANNIE
Oh, he is so old-fashioned.

7
BRIDGET
Mm, he must go.
HECTOR
Room service.
NICK
Hello.
Who are you?
HECTOR
Oh, you who are quick, good.
NICK
Ay?
HECTOR
My luggage is downstairs.
NICK
What?
HECTOR
Bring it up, please.
NICK
What are you doing?
HECTOR
I pulled, you come, you are the butler.
NICK
The butler?!
I am Nick, I live next door.
HECTOR
Oh, I, … I am Hector.
NICK
Oh, Hector, from Argentina.
HECTOR
Yes, from Argentina!
NICK
Where are the girls?
HECTOR
The girls?
NICK
Yeah, Bridget and Annie.
HECTOR
Oh they live here.

8
NICK
Yeah, I know.
Where’s Bridget?
Does she know you are here?
HECTOR
Bridget, she gave me this.
NICK
Oh.
ANNIE
Hello Nick!
Oh, this is Hector from Argentina.
NICK
Yeah, I know.
BRIDGET
Isn’t he wonderful!
NICK
Wonderful.
BRIDGET
Are you hungry?
HECTOR
Uh?
BRIDGET
We’ll buy your lunch.
What would you like to eat?
Fish and chips?
HECTOR
Oh, fish and ships!!
[Laughs]
ANNIE
[Erm] Nick, Hector, make friends.
BRIDGET
Nick, teach Hector some English.
NICK
Yeah, OK, I’ll teach Hector some English.
NICK [sending email]

‘Yo Dan! How’s it going?!
The chicks in the apartment opposite have a visitor, Hector from Argentina.’
HECTOR
Oh, you who are quick, good.

9
‘He can’t speak English.
Man! He thought I was the butler!’
HECTOR
I pulled, you come.
You are the butler.
NICK
Ha, the butler.
[sending email] ‘And even worse, I think he fancies Bridget.’
HECTOR
She gave me this.

‘The girls have gone out, so I will teach him to speak English!’
NICK
I’ll teach Hector some English.

‘See what I mean?
Stay cool. N.
P.S. Big decision. Today I joined an acting agency.
Brad Pitt is history!’
NICK
OK, this is the oven.
HECTOR
This is the ov-en.
NICK
Annie’s dog sleeps in the oven.
HECTOR
Annie’s dog sleeps in the oven.
NICK
So you say “Annie! The dog is in the oven!”
HECTOR
Annie, the dog is in the oven!
NICK
Gr-eat!
Now, Bridget.
Oh, oh dear.
Well Bridget likes strong men, especially strong legs.
HECTOR
Well I am strong.
NICK
Yeah?
Can you cycle fifty kilometres?

10
HECTOR
Yes.
NICK
No way!
HECTOR
Yes.
NICK
Well go on then, show me.
HECTOR
Yes, look!
NICK
Adios, Amigo!
HECTOR
Ah, Bridget, Annie, lunch!
Fish and chips! [Laughs]
ANNIE
Yes, lunch, Hector.
HECTOR
Look Bridget, fifty kilometres.
Oh, Annie, the dog is in the ov-en.
ANNIE
What?
Oh!
NICK
Hi, everything OK?
Gr-eat!
HECTOR
Pouf!
I am, how do you say?
BRIDGET
Dead!
NICK
Hot.
HECTOR
Hot.
Yeah, I am hot, I need a ..
NICK
… Shower.
HECTOR
Yeah, I need a shower.

11
BRIDGET
Be my guest!
HECTOR
Oh, thank you.
BRIDGET
Right, that’s it!
He must go!
NICK
Why?
He is so nice.
BRIDGET
He used my bike!
NICK
Oh!
ANNIE
Yeah, and he said that the dog was in the oven!
What a horrible joke!
Where is Charley?
Charley!
NICK
What a bad, bad boy.
BRIDGET
He must go!
ANNIE
Can he stay with you, Nick?
NICK
Ah-ah, sorry ladies.
ANNIE
Oh please Nick, you have a spare room.
NICK
No way, not my problem.
BRIDGET
He must go now!
ANNIE
But he’s in the shower.
BRIDGET
I don’t care!

12
BRIDGET
Hector, please come out, we want to talk to you.
HECTOR
[Sings in shower]
I like fish and ships, I …
BRIDGET
Hector, please come out, we want to talk to you.
HECTOR
OK, one moment please!
I like fish and chips!
Yes, you want me.
BRIDGET
We think we …
ANNIE
… We, we, we have a problem.
BRIDGET
It’s like this.
NICK
Go on then, tell him.
HECTOR
Yes, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Hector, the thing is …
NICK
Stay there, I’ll talk to him.
Hector, can I have a word please?
HECTOR
Oh …
Sound of door being slammed
BRIDGET and ANNIE

Ricky Martin!
NICK
Hector, is this you?
HECTOR
Yes, and my parents.

13
NICK
The Romero family.
One of the richest families in Argentina.
Who are these?
HECTOR
My …
NICK
… Servants.
HECTOR
Yeah, my servants.
NICK
Your cars?
HECTOR
Yeah, my cars.
NICK
Hector, you are rich!
Why stay here?
HECTOR
I want friends, good friends.
NICK
People like you for your money?
That’s awful!
[Erm] listen, keep it a secret. Sshh.
HECTOR
OK!
BRIDGET
Perhaps he could stay here.
ANNIE
Yes – poor boy
NICK
Hector, come and stay with me, I have two rooms.
BRIDGET
Shut up, Nick.
ANNIE
Hector will stay with us, won’t you, Hector.
BRIDGET
Hector, come and – sit down.
Hector please, call me Gigi!
ANNIE
Oh, Charley, there you are.

14
HECTOR
Oh Annie, the dog is in the ov-en.
ANNIE
The oven?
HECTOR
Yes, Nick is a good English teacher.
BRIDGET
Yes, a very good English teacher!
I’d love to see your photos again.
ANNIE
Oh, me too!
BRIDGET
Oh, your sweet toy cars!
NICK
They are not toys!
BRIDGET
Today Hector arrives and it’s Bonfire Night.
Let’s party!
What sort of music do you like?
HECTOR
Music?
NICK
Yeah, music, you know, soul, funk, dance.
Watch me, like this.
HECTOR
Interesting.
I dance – like this. [Oh!].
Intercom buzzing noise
ANNIE
I’ll get it, I’ll get it.
Hello.
Oh, yeah, that’s great, sure, come up.
It’s the landlady!
NICK
The tarantula!
BRIDGET
Quick, hide, Hector.
NICK
I’m off, I owe two week’s rent!

15
Dog barks
BRIDGET and ANNIE

Aaah!!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA – the flat mates go shopping for Hector.
Hector goes shopping for the girls.
But what happens when Hector goes shopping for himself?
EXTRA – don’t miss it!

16
Episode 2
Narrative
ANNIE [reading email message/replying to email]

‘What’s he like?’
Oh. ‘Argentinian …tall … handsome.’
‘Oh, wow, fantastic! A new boyfriend for you maybe!’ [Laughs/sneezes]
‘Maybe, but don’t tell Bridget!’
BRIDGET
Hector please, call me Gigi.
ANNIE
Oh Hector, call me Gigi.
Oh.
[sending email] ‘Must go. More news later. A.’
BRIDGET
Is Hector still asleep?
ANNIE
Yep.
BRIDGET
Aah.
Hector, wakey-wakey.
Come on, rise and shine.
Hector makes snoring noises
ANNIE
Sweet!
BRIDGET
Oh, good morning. [Sneezes]
HECTOR
Oh, good morning. [Sneezes]
ANNIE
Uh, no, no, no, good morning, ah-ah-ah.
HECTOR
Good morning, ah-ah-ah.
ANNIE
No Hector, I have a cold.
BRIDGET
And so have I.
HECTOR
Oh you have a cold, Bridget.
Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

1
BRIDGET
Yes, I have a cold.
ANNIE
Yes, we have a cold, so let’s begin again.
Good morning.
HECTOR
Good morning.
BRIDGET
Oh never mind.
Hector, would you like some …
… New pyjamas?
HECTOR
Mmm?
BRIDGET
Hector, please excuse me for a moment.
Annie, bathroom. Now!
HECTOR
Good morning.
NICK
Good morning.
Is it fancy dress?
HECTOR
Fancy dress?
Yes.
NICK
Oh, nice.
Hey, nice car, ay.
HECTOR
I have this car at home.
NICK
Wow, you have this car at home.
HECTOR
Ahm.
NICK
Girls must love you.
HECTOR
Girls, no.
NICK
No?
Hector, can I tell you something?

2
HECTOR
OK.
NICK
The car looks good.
HECTOR
Ah-ay.
NICK
Ay.
So you must look good too! Ha-hmm?
HECTOR
I look good!
NICK
No.
You don’t look good.
But I can help.
HECTOR
OK!
NICK
OK!
BRIDGET
Hector’s clothes are awful!
ANNIE
Oh, they’re so old fashioned!
BRIDGET
I know, I’ll take him shopping.
ANNIE
But Bridget you’re so busy that I’ll take him shopping.
BRIDGET
No, it’s all right, I’ll take him shopping.
ANNIE
But there’s no problem, I’ll take him shopping.
BRIDGET
I said I’ll take him shopping!!
Sound of sneezing
NICK
You need, you need a – oh hi, babe!
BRIDGET
Oh it’s you, Nick.

3
ANNIE
Oh hi, Nick.
NICK
Hector has asked me what clothes to wear.
BRIDGET
Yeah, right.
NICK
You need a look, like on a fast bike.
BRIDGET
No, no, no, no, Hector, don’t listen to Nick, listen to me.
HECTOR
OK.
BRIDGET
You need a designer look.
ANNIE
No, no, no, Hector, that’s not for you.
You need, you need a cowboy look.
NICK
No, no, a leather jacket.
BRIDGET
A bandanna and a vest.
ANNIE
A denim shirt.
NICK
A motor bike!
BRIDGET
Designer!
ANNIE
Cowboy!
HECTOR
Ah, stop!!
OK, I will go shopping.
BRIDGET
What?
ANNIE
On your own?
NICK
But – you need us!

4
HECTOR
Ah, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
ANNIE
How?
What will you say?
HECTOR
Erm …
NICK
It’s OK, leave it to me.
I am the shopkeeper, you are the customer.
HECTOR
Uh?
NICK
This is a shop.
I sell, you buy.
HECTOR
Oh, OK.
Oh, ding-dong.
Good morning.
NICK
Good morning!
Can I help you?
HECTOR
Yes.
I…I…
NICK
I would like …
HECTOR
I would like … a jacket, please.
NICK
Trousers.
HECTOR
Uh?
NICK
I would like a pair of trousers please.
HECTOR
Oh, I would like a pair of trou-sers please.
- And a shirt.
NICK
No. shoes.
I would like a pair of shoes, please.

5
HECTOR
I would like a pair of shoes, please.
And a cat for my head.
NICK
I think you mean a hat.
HECTOR
Eh?
NICK
This is a cat!
HECTOR
[Laughs]
A cat for my head!
ANNIE
Hector, come shopping with me.
BRIDGET
Or me.
ANNIE
No, me.
BRIDGET
He’s my pen friend!
NICK
All right!
Me, you and you will go shopping for Hector a little bit each
I will go to the shoe shop.
ANNIE
And I will go to the clothes shop.
BRIDGET
No, I’ll go to the clothes shop!
ANNIE
OK, I’ll just buy the shirt.
BRIDGET
I’ll buy the trousers!
NICK
Good! Hah!
HECTOR
Good.
ANNIE
Right, let’s go!
Oh, no, I completely forgot!
We need, eggs, lemons and dog food.
Oh, it’s all right, I’ll do it on line later.

6
HECTOR
Eggs, lemon, dog food.
ANNIE
Oh well done, Hector.
BRIDGET
Bye Hector.
Oh and don’t answer the phone, it might be the tarantula.
HECTOR
OK.
NICK
Bye Hector, be good.
And if you can’t be good, be careful.
Ha-ha.
HECTOR
Eh?
NICK
Never mind!

‘Nadia I have a cold.
Bridget has a cold and Hector has …’
BRIDGET
… New pyjamas.

‘Terrible pyjamas.
Oh, you should see them Nadia.
They are so funny!’

‘Hi, sweetie.
I wanted to buy Hector some new clothes on my own.’
I’ll take him shopping.
‘But Annie and Nick said they wanted to shop for Hector as well.
So guess what?
We’re all going shopping for Hector.’
NICK
Me, you and you can go shopping for Hector, a little bit each.

‘What will he look like?’

‘And Annie thinks Hector needs a cowboy look.’
ANNIE
He needs a cowboy look!

7
But I think he needs a biker look like me!
Yeah!
NICK
You need a look, like on a fast bike!
HECTOR
Good morning sir.
I would like a cat for my head!
Oh, room service.
Hello, I would like an egg for my head, ha-ha!
Lemons for my head!
Intercom buzzes
HECTOR
Oh, dog food for my head.
Landlady [Speaking on intercom]

Who’s that?
HECTOR
Aah!
The tarantula!

I said, who’s that?
HECTOR
Hello.

Where’s Bridget?
HECTOR
Erm, where is Bridget?
Me, I am Bridget.

I don’t believe you.
HECTOR
Yes, I have a cold! [Sneezes]

Oh, I’m sorry.
HECTOR
[Sneezes]
Oh, thank you. [Sneezes]
Dog barks
HECTOR
Ssh!
Charlie!

8
Is that a dog?
HECTOR
No, no, it is not a dog, … Annie has a cold also!

Oh, poor Annie.
HECTOR
Thank you.
[Sneezes]
Now goodbye!
[Sneezes]
Oh, oh ole!
I am Hector, I speak Englis …
Eggs, lemons, dog food.
Eggs, lemons, dog food.
HECTOR
Oh hi, [erm] good, good afternoon Annie.
ANNIE
Good afternoon Hector.
I bought this for you.
HECTOR
Oh, what is it?
ANNIE
Try it on.
HECTOR
Eh?
ANNIE
TRY IT ON!
HECTOR
TRY IT ON?
Oh, try it on!
Oh, ah.
BRIDGET
Where’s Hector?
ANNIE
In the bathroom.
BRIDGET
Good.
I’ll give this to him.
ANNIE
It’s OK, I’ll give it to him!

9
BRIDGET
No, it’s all right.
BRIDGET
Hector …
ANNIE
Hector …
BRIDGET
I’ve got something for you.
HECTOR
Oh, OK.
Come in.
BRIDGET
Spoil sport!
NICK
Hector!
Hector!
HECTOR
Hello.
NICK
Here are your clothes, you will look so cool.
HECTOR
Cool?
NICK
Co-ol.
HECTOR
Cool!
NICK
Nice melons!
BRIDGET
Melons?
Who are those from?
ANNIE
Ah, I think Hector has been shopping online.
Oh, I’m really thirsty, I need a drink.
BRIDGET
But we don’t need any melons!

10
ANNIE
Well he did try!
And he bought some eggs.
Yeah, just a few.

‘Yo Dan!
Hector did the shopping today.’
Nice melons.
‘He bought one hundred and forty four eggs.’
ANNIE
Just a few.
NICK
‘And ten melons instead of ten lemons.’
What an idiot.
Ha!
HECTOR
I would like some eggs please.
I would like some lemons please.
And oh, dog food for my head!
Ha, ha, ha, thank you!

‘I went shopping for Hector today and bought him something really cool!
I cannot wait for him to try it on.’
ANNIE
TRY IT ON.

‘I went to the clothes shop and bought Hector a really trendy outfit!
He will look just like David Beckham!’
BRIDGET
I’ve got something for you!
ANNIE
So how did Hector do the shopping?
Ah-ha!
Hector ordered ten melons instead of ten lemons.
Oh, an easy mistake, he did try.
BRIDGET
Yes, he did try.
NICK
And what about the eggs?
ANNIE
OK, eggs.
You buy a dozen eggs, yeah.
NICK
Yep, a dozen is ten.

11
BRIDGET
A dozen is twelve, stupid!
NICK
I know!
ANNIE
Well Hector has put the number twelve here.
NICK
Well that’s OK, that’s one box.
ANNIE
No, he ordered twelve boxes.
BRIDGET
One hundred and forty four.
ANNIE
Now, dog food.
NICK
Ha, ha, I can’t wait!
HECTOR
OK, I’m ready!
NICK
We’re ready!
BRIDGET
Enter!
HECTOR
Do you like it?
Well?
ANNIE
Ah [erm] I like the shirt.
BRIDGET
I like the sarong.
NICK
I like the shoes.
HECTOR
So, am I co-ol?
NICK, BRIDGET & ANNIE

[Erm].
HECTOR
No.
I’m not cool.

12
[Erm] no.
HECTOR
So, I will go shopping.
NICK
Here we go again.
Hector! You can’t go out there on your own.
You went shopping on the Internet.
HECTOR
Yes.
NICK
Ha-ha!
You ordered melons instead of lemons and too many eggs.
Have you ever been to a supermarket?
HECTOR
No.
My …
NICK
Who are these?
HECTOR
My …
NICK
… Servants.
HECTOR
Yeah, my servants..
NICK
Servants.
Now I understand.
BRIDGET
Come on Hector, I will teach you how to shop, Hector …
ANNIE
‘Till you drop.
Bridget and I will be the shopkeepers.
BRIDGET
And you are our customer!
HECTOR
OK. [Clears throat]
Good afternoon.
BRIDGET
Good afternoon!

13
ANNIE
Can I help you sir?
HECTOR
Eh?
BRIDGET
What would you like to buy?
HECTOR
Oh, I would like some …
ANNIE
… Clothes!
HECTOR
Yes, I would like some clothes, please.
BRIDGET
What size?
HECTOR
Eh?
BRIDGET
What … size.
HECTOR
I don’t know.
BRIDGET
I’ll have to measure you then.
Arms up please.
HECTOR
Eh?
ANNIE
Arms up, please.
HECTOR
Oh, arms up, please.
BRIDGET
Chest.
Ooh! One hundred and twelve centimetres!
ANNIE
Chest, one hundred and twelve centimetres.
BRIDGET
And waist.
Eighty two centimetres.
ANNIE
Waist, eighty two centimetres.

14
BRIDGET
And … l-e-g!! [laughs] …
NICK
I’ll do that!
BRIDGET
No, it’s OK!
NICK
[Clears throat]
Eight-ty seven centimetres!
BRIDGET
Now, do you like these trousers?
ANNIE
Do you like this shirt?
HECTOR
Ye-es.
BRIDGET
Good, that’s [erm] …
Five thousand pounds.
HECTOR
OK.
ANNIE
No, no, no Hector.
Five thousand pounds is, is … eight thousand dollars!
HECTOR
Yeah.
BRIDGET
It’s too much, it’s too expensive.
NICK
Not for Hector!
HECTOR
So, I am ready to go shopping!
Ha ha!
ANNIE
Good luck.
BRIDGET
Yeah, good luck.
NICK
You’ll need it!
BRIDGET & ANNIE

[Sneezing]

15
BRIDGET
Where’s my lemon drink, Nick?
ANNIE
Nick, are there any more tissues?
NICK
All right, I’m coming as fast as I can!
OK.
ANNIE
Oh, I feel awful.
BRIDGET
Oh, me too.
Nothing will make me feel better.
ANNIE
Oh, can you get that please Nick?
NICK
Oh, it’s only Hector.
HECTOR
Well, is it cool?
NICK
Wow, man! Well done!
You look great!
HECTOR
I would like a shirt, please.
BRIDGET
Excellent!
Oh the clothes are super!
HECTOR
And a pair of trou-sers.
ANNIE
Oh, you are clever, Hector!
HECTOR
And a pair of shoes, please! [Laughs]
I have been shopping!
Sound of intercom
BRIDGET
Oh, I’ll get it.
Hello.

16
It’s me.
BRIDGET
Oh, hello.
It’s the tarantula!
How are you?

Fine, thank you.
BRIDGET
Oh, good, good.

How’s your cold?
BRIDGET
How’s my cold?
Well how did you know I have a cold?

You told me this morning.
HECTOR
Me, I am Bridget.

I don’t believe you.
HECTOR
Yes, I have a cold. [Sneezes]

Oh, I’m sorry.
HECTOR
Thank you.
[Sneezes]
BRIDGET
Yes, silly me!
I told you this morning.

Why are four hundred tins of dog food here for Annie?
BRIDGET
Pardon?
I don’t know.
… Well, how strange!

Four hundred tins.

17
BRIDGET
Yes, that’s a lot of tins.
Well I really don’t know.

Can you ask Annie?
BRIDGET
Yes, I’ll ask Annie, goodbye.
The tarantula said, why have four hundred tins of dog food downstairs?
ANNIE
Four hundred tins?

Hector!!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA.
Annie goes dating on the Internet and so do Nick and Hector, but do they like their dates?
Extra – don’t miss it!

18
Episode 3
Narrative

‘Dear dream date.
My name is Annie! I’m 19 and I love animals,
and, and – and I love chocolate: chocolate ice cream, chocolate cake, boxes of chocolate,
chocolate mousse …’
BRIDGET
What are you doing, Annie?
ANNIE
Nothing!
BRIDGET
What’s this?
‘Dream date, make my dream come true … ‘
ANNIE
Oh, how did that get there?
BRIDGET
How sweet!
Sound of fitness video playing in background
BRIDGET
Hector!
Hector.
HECTOR
Oh hi, Bridget.
BRIDGET
And up!!
Oh well, keep going, Hector.
ANNIE
Aah I see Hector found Cindy’s one hundred and one top exercises then.
BRIDGET
Yes!
ANNIE
Oh, good try Hector.
BRIDGET
Cindy is so old fashioned, I can teach Hector how to exercise!
Exercise with Cindy, no, exercise with Bridget, yes …
HECTOR
But … !
Episode 3 Hector Has a Date

1
BRIDGET
It’s OK, I can do it!
Music please, Annie.
Follow me.
Arms up, touch your toes, stand straight and – one-two-three –four-five-six-seven-eight!
More energy please!
One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight
One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight.
One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight …
OK, faster still!
Left leg up!
Left leg up!
HECTOR and ANNIE

Left leg up!
ANNIE
Oh, my leg hurts!
BRIDGET
Come on, keep it up!
Come on, come on, faster …
ANNIE
Oh, hi Nick, we’re exercising.
NICK
I can see.
BRIDGET
Oh, phew, OK.
Let’s get a drink!
ANNIE
Oh, I must check my emails.
BRIDGET
Would you like some water, Hector?
HECTOR
Oh no, no, after you.
BRIDGET
No, you first.
HECTOR
Oh, no, no, no, ladies first.
BRIDGET
No, no, you first.
HECTOR
No, you first.
HECTOR and BRIDGET

No, …

2
NICK
OH, give it to me!
ANNIE
Oh, goody! Three messages.
Oh dear.
NICK
What’s wrong?
BRIDGET
Annie’s been on the Internet – again!
HECTOR
The Internet?
BRIDGET
To find a boyfriend!
NICK
Oh, let’s see!
ANNIE
Oh no, don’t look.
NICK
Oh come on Annie!
ANNIE
Oh, all right then.
NICK
‘Annie baby!
Rocky the tennis star here!
I am the racquet –
Will you be my ball?’
Ugh!
ANNIE
OK, number two.
NICK
Mmm.
Erm – ‘Dear Annie!
I love animals too.’
Mmm.
‘They are so beautiful in their glass boxes.
Come and see them.
Tony Green (Taxidermist).’
ANNIE
A taxidermist!
Oh, how horrible!
NICK
Oh Charlie, here boy! [Whistles]

3
Dog barks
ANNIE
It’s OK, Charlie.
HECTOR
Annie, what is a taxidermist?
ANNIE
Erm, well it’s, it’s a, ah, oh never mind.
NICK
Third time lucky.
ANNIE
Hope so.
NICK
Hmm.
‘Annie, can you cook like my mother?
Do you like trains?
Can you meet me today?
Giles Smith aged twenty four.
P.S. Mummy says I must be home before 5 p.m.’
Oh dear!
ANNIE
Oh, I’ll never get a boyfriend!
Bridget always has a boyfriend.
NICK
Has she?
HECTOR
Ah-yum-ah-ah …
NICK
Annie, look, it’s not what you write, it’s, it’s how you write it. [Uh?]. I bet I could get a girlfriend on
the Internet, no problem.
ANNIE
Well yes Nick you could!
BRIDGET
I bet you could not!
NICK
I could!
BRIDGET
OK, what would you write?
NICK
I’m six foot tall.

4
BRIDGET
Five foot eleven.
NICK
I have blonde hair.
BRIDGET
Mousey brown.
NICK
I love animals.
BRIDGET
Ha!
NICK
And fast cars, and beautiful women.
ANNIE
I would write to you!
NICK
Would you?
ANNIE
Oh, come on Annie!
Let’s go to the gym.
ANNIE
Oh Bridget no, not more exercise!
BRIDGET
See you later boys.
Oh and erm, Hector, would you do my washing for me?
HECTOR
Washing?
OK.
No problem.
ANNIE
Oh and Nick [uh] will you spray my plant for me please?
The spray is in the bathroom.
NICK
No problem.
HECTOR
Nick [ah-ah]. What is a taxidermist?
NICK
Oh –well, well it’s, never mind.
BRIDGET
‘Chrissy! [sending email]
Today Hector found Cindy’s exercise video, but I decided to help him with his exercises instead!’

5
BRIDGET
Two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight! More energy please!
‘He really enjoyed it!’
ANNIE
My leg hurts!
BRIDGET
Come on, keep up!
ANNIE
‘Nadia. [sending email]
I looked for a boyfriend on the Internet today and had three strange replies.
One from a tennis player, too arrogant.’
NICK
Ugh!

‘One from a taxidermist, too horrible!’
NICK
Oh Charlie! Here boy! [Whistles/dog barks]

‘And one from a train spotter, too weird!’
NICK
Oh dear!
ANNIE
Oh, I’ll never get a boyfriend.
But Bridget always has a boyfriend.

Dan!
It’s so easy to find a girlfriend on the Internet.’
I bet I could get a girlfriend on the Internet, no problem.
NICK
Finding new girlfriends on the Internet is so easy.
OK, Hector!
Question one. How do guys get girlfriends?
HECTOR
Girlfriends?
NICK
Yeah! [Laugh/wolf whistle]
Girlfriends.
HECTOR
Oh, oh no girlfriends, me.
Never.

6
NICK
What?
Never?
No girl … no girlfriends?
Wow! Man!
HECTOR
You, Nick, you have had girlfriends?
NICK
Yeah, loads!
HECTOR
Ten?
NICK
Ten?!! Hah! Hundreds!
HECTOR
Wow!
NICK
So I know what girls like.
They like fast cars, they like money, they like dancing.
HECTOR
Oh, I love dancing!
Like this!
NICK
No, dancing like this!
Hey?
Yeah, Hector, leave it to me.
Leave it to me, my friend, I have a plan!
[Laughs]
Oh, Hector, Annie’s plant.
Her garden spray is in the bathroom.
HECTOR
Oh.
NICK
Ho-ho!
HECTOR
Garden – gar-den …
Spray, garden spray.
Garden Romance, garden … good!
[Spraying noise]
NICK
Hmm!
Perfect!
HECTOR
Perfect!

7
HECTOR
Cold, hot, very hot. Erm, Nick.
NICK
Uh-huh?
HECTOR
Bridget’s cold or hot?
NICK
Hah, very hot!
HECTOR
Ah.
Perfect!
NICK
Perfect, ha!
Hector, we’ll get lots of girlfriends now!
[Aha!] From now on it’ll be girls, girls, girls, girls!
HECTOR
Ha-ha!
[Yo!]
Hey! [Whoo!]
NICK
Oh you really must change your after shave! [Sneezes]
Oh, excuse me, come on, let’s go out and celebrate.
BRIDGET and ANNIE

[Sniffing]
BRIDGET
What’s that smell?
ANNIE
It smells like a perfumery.
Oh, my plant!
BRIDGET
Oh, empty!
ANNIE
Oh, my poor plant!
I don’t believe it!
BRIDGET
My perfume, I don’t believe it!
BRIDGET and ANNIE

Nick!
BRIDGET
Oh good, the washing’s done.
[Snarls]

8
ANNIE
What’s the problem?
BRIDGET
This is the problem!
BRIDGET and ANNIE

Hector!
ANNIE
Wow!
BRIDGET
What is it now?
ANNIE
We have six hundred and thirty three messages!
BRIDGET
Let’s see.
ANNIE [reading email message]

OK, one moment.
‘Hector, Nick.
Yes we are gorgeous, yes we like dancing and yes we like millionaires.
Fifi and Sarah.’
Chloe, Sadie, Louise, Gerri - I mean these messages are all for Hector and Nick – and they’re all
from girls!
BRIDGET
I smell a rat!
ANNIE
Hmm!
And I think I know who is responsible!
Oh, Bridget!
Look at this! [reading email message]
‘Are you a gorgeous babe?
Do you have a gorgeous friend?
Do you like fast cars and dancing all night?
Do you like millionaires?
Then you will love us.
We are Hector and Nick, the Romero brothers.’
BRIDGET
What?
ANNIE [reading email message]

‘See attached photo.’
BRIDGET
Ha, cheats, they glued their photo on this car!
ANNIE
Ha, what a joke!
What, that’s how they received six hundred and thirty three messages from girls.

9
BRIDGET
But they don’t know they received six hundred and thirty three messages, do they!
ANNIE
No, they don’t - now.
BRIDGET
Let’s go to the cyber café.
I have a plan.
Laughter
NICK
The poor computer.
How many messages?
One hundred!
HECTOR
Two hundred!
Laughter
NICK
Oh.
HECTOR
How many?
NICK
Erm, one.
HECTOR
Good.
One hundred!
NICK
Erm, no, no, no, just one message.
HECTOR
Uh?
NICK
[Erm] ‘Hector and Nick, we are dancers in a West End musical!’
HECTOR
Dancers, you mean … dancers?!
NICK
Yes, sort of.
‘When we finish the show, shall we meet at your apartment, at 10 p.m. Is that OK?
Cuddles and Bubbles, Kiss, kiss, kiss.
P.S. what is your address?’
Wow!!
They sound gorgeous!
HECTOR
Uh?

10
NICK
Ah, ah-hah!
Cuddles and Bubbles [wolf whistle] are coming here tonight when they finish the show – at – 10
o'clock!
Look, 7 o'clock, 8, 9, 10 o'clock!
Wait a minute!
It’s 7 o'clock!
That’s just three hours!
What am I going to wear?
What are you going to wear?
HECTOR
But Nick, what about Bridget and Annie?
NICK
Aha!
It’s not a problem!
HECTOR
[Laughs]
Ah-ha-ha! Yes!

‘Nadia, it’s terrible news.
Hector killed my plant with perfume!’
ANNIE
Oh, my plant!
My poor plant!
BRIDGET
[Snarls]
ANNIE
What’s the problem?

‘And he did the washing!
A very hot wash.’
BRIDGET
This is the problem!
ANNIE
Mm, Bridget was not pleased.
BRIDGET and ANNIE

Hector!
NICK
‘Hey Dan!
Guess what!
Hector and I have a date tonight with two dancers!
Cuddles and Bubbles [wolf whistle] are coming here tonight.
Wish us luck.’

11
HECTOR
So, Nick, what should I say?
NICK
It’s easy, relax.
HECTOR
Yeah, but you have had a hundred girlfriends.
NICK
Yeah, well, when I said a hundred, it’s actually fewer.
HECTOR
… Fifty?
NICK
No.
HECTOR
Forty?
NICK
No.
HECTOR
Thirty?
NICK
No.
HECTOR
Twenty?
NICK
[Gulps]
No.
HECTOR
Ten?
NICK
No.
HECTOR
Five?
NICK
No.
HECTOR
Four?
NICK
No.
HECTOR
Three?

12
NICK
No.
HECTOR
Two?
NICK
No.
HECTOR
One?
NICK
…
HECTOR
None?!!
NICK
[Makes squeaking noise]
Sound of intercom buzzing
NICK and HECTOR

Aaaah!
NICK
OK.
It’s OK.
Hi. [speaking on intercom]
Hi!
Voice on Intercom
Hello, it’s us.
NICK
Come on up.
NICK and HECTOR

Ooh/oh/ah!!
HECTOR
So Nick, what do I say?
NICK
OK, we need a script.
Try this.
Your eyes are blue, like the ocean.
HECTOR
Your ears are blue, like the ocean.
NICK
No!!
Eyes, ears, ears, ears, eyes.

13
HECTOR
Oh, oh, oh, OK, OK.
Your ey-es are blue, like the ocean.
NICK
Good!
You smell of sweet …
HECTOR
You smell of sweat …
NICK
No! No [sniffing noise] sweet, not sweat!
HECTOR
Oh, OK, OK.
NICK
OK, your hair is so soft.
HECTOR
Thank you, Nick.
NICK
No, No, her hair, her hair!
HECTOR
Oh, her hair!
NICK and HECTOR

Oh, oh!
NICK
Ready?
HECTOR
Ready.
NICK and HECTOR

Good luck!
NICK
Oh, Cuddles and Bubbles.
HECTOR
But we thought you were dancers.
Oh, you are dancers.
NICK
Dancing … dogs!
In … Woof, The Musical.’
Ha, ha, hello, come in.
Come in.
Hello.

14
Barking noise
HECTOR
Oh please, sit down.
Sit!
NICK
Stick to the script.
You smell so sweet.
HECTOR
Your ears are … blue, like the ocean.
NICK
Eyes, eyes!
[BRIDGET]
Are you a million-aire?
HECTOR
Psst, psst!
Am I a millionaire?
NICK
[Laughs]
Are you a millionaire?
Are you a millionaire? [Laughs]
Ha! We are millionaires!
BRIDGET and ANNIE

Good – good.
BRIDGET
Well you can pay for these then!!
ANNIE
If you please!!
Girls laugh
BRIDGET
Your faces!
We are the dancers …
ANNIE
From the cyber café!
BRIDGET
So you are millionaires, ay?
ANNIE
Oh what a trick to get girlfriends!
Millionaires, very funny!
BRIDGET
With fast cars!

15
NICK
[Laughs]
Good trick, ay!
HECTOR
But that is my car!
Ow!!!
BRIDGET
Oh, you smell so sweet!
ANNIE
And you do have beautiful eyes!
Or is it ears?
Sound of intercom buzzing
ANNIE
It’s the landlady!
NICK
I’m off!
BRIDGET
Quick, hide Hector!
Erm, in the bedroom!
HECTOR
Oh Bridget.
BRIDGET
Yes.
HECTOR
Tell me.
What is a taxidermist?
BRIDGET
Oh!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA.
Hector wants to get a job.
Bridget and Annie have a surprise.
And guess who’s coming to dinner.

16
Episode 4
Narrative
NICK [composing email]

Job – stuntman.
Age 20. 20?
No. 30, more mature.
Age, 30.
[Sound of alarm]
Ow-ow!!
BRIDGET
Where’s the fire …
ANNIE
It’s the smoke detector!
BRIDGET
I know that!
Where’s the broom?!
Thumping noise
BRIDGET
Oh good, it’s stopped.
ANNIE
I think this was the problem.
Anyone for very hard boiled eggs?
BRIDGET
Nick.
NICK
Eh?
BRIDGET
Are they your eggs?
NICK
Eh?
BRIDGET
I thought so!
What on earth are you doing?
Are you crazy?!
HECTOR [Humming]
Oh, are my eggs ready?
BRIDGET
Oh, your eggs, Hector.
Episode 4 Hector Looks For a Job

1
NICK
Hector’s eggs, Bridget.
Is he cr-azy?!
BRIDGET
Hector.
The eggs are, erm, ruined.
Perhaps some cornflakes instead?
HECTOR
Thank you, Bridget.
NICK [Mimicking Bridget]

Huh, perhaps some cornflakes instead?!
BRIDGET
What are you doing on our computer anyway?
NICK
… Nothing!
Let’s just say girls, one day you will say ‘Brad Pitt – urgh!! Pah!! Johnny Depp – urgh!! Pah!! Nick
from next door – vroom-vroom-vroom!! The coolest stunt man in the world!
ANNIE
Oh, you a stunt man!!
NICK
Yep.
I got the job on the Internet.
Well, nearly.
I’m waiting for confirmation.
ANNIE
Oh, how exciting!
BRIDGET
The coolest stunt man n the world - on a moped, right?
NICK
On a Harley-Davidson, actually.
ANNIE
Films!
Those stars!
That money!
Oh! Oh!
Have you seen Carina’s dress in the magazine?
I’d love to have a dress like that.
BRIDGET
Mmm, me too.
It would really suit me.
ANNIE
How much is it?

2
BRIDGET
Oh, let’s see.
Erm …
BRIDGET and ANNIE

How much?
ANNIE
Oh, I’m a student, it’s too expensive for me!
BRIDGET
I’ve got a job and it’s too expensive for me!
We need more money.
HECTOR
Money?
Bridget, Annie, I have something to tell you.
NICK
Hector, don’t!
It’s a secret!
The Romero family, one of the richest families in Argentina.
Keep it a secret. Sssh.
HECTOR
Uh?
NICK
Sssh!
BRIDGET
What’s a secret?
HECTOR
You have been very kind.
BRIDGET
Yes, Hector.
NICK
Ha-ha, ha-ha! I’m sure Bridget and Annie have a little money! Ha-ha!
BRIDGET
Sssh! Nick!!
HECTOR
So I want to, I want to give you some money.
BRIDGET and ANNIE

Yes!
HECTOR
So, I am going – to look for a job.
ANNIE
Oh … that’s a great idea, Hector.

3
NICK
Gr-eat!!
BRIDGET
Yeah, we can look for a job on the Internet, can’t we.
ANNIE
OK, here we are, job vacancies.
BRIDGET
Well, let’s see.
ANNIE
Oh well, there’s a job in a launderette.
ANNIE and BRIDGET

Hector!
No!.
ANNIE
And there’s a job as a gardener.
ANNIE
My plant!
ANNIE and BRIDGET

No!
And here’s a job as a cook.
ANNIE and BRIDGET

No.
ANNIE
Wait a minute!
Look at this.
A waiter!
ANNIE
What a great idea!
BRIDGET
Yes!
Ooh, I love good looking waiters!
NICK
Did you say ‘good looking’?
Here I am.
ANNIE
What about Hector as a waiter?
HECTOR
A waiter?
NICK
Yeah, you know [whistles]
HECTOR
Oh, but I don’t know how.

4
NICK
Oh, don’t worry.
I will teach you!
Telephone rings
BRIDGET
Hello!
Howard!
How are you?!! [Laughs]
Oh, thank you Howard!
Me? Dinner tonight!
Seven o'clock – at the Singing Parrot Café, OK Howard! Bye Howard!
That was Howard.
ANNIE, NICK and HECTOR

No!
BRIDGET
He’s invited me to dinner tonight, because he wants to – talk to me about a NEW JOB!
HECTOR
Who is Howard?
ANNIE
Bridget’s boss.
BRIDGET
Ah, he is so rich, he’s so clever and he wants to see me!!
He might offer me a promotion!
What shall I wear?
I have nothing to wear!
No, wrong!
NICK
Huh!
BRIDGET
So last season.
NICK
Bet Howard can’t ride a motorbike.
BRIDGET
Nope!
ANNIE
… He does give Bridget promotion, although I have heard – Howard has a nickname!
BRIDGET
What was I thinking?!
NICK
What?

5
ANNIE [whispers]
An octopus!
NICK
An octopus?!
HECTOR
Oh, the octo-pus!
NICK
Is he meeting her alone?
ANNIE
Yes.
No, no!
Bridget needs help!
HECTOR
We must stop her!
NICK
I have an idea.
Why don’t you eat here?
BRIDGET
No!
ANNIE
Yes, then we can both talk to your boss about your new job!
BRIDGET
Where, here?
No, no way.
NICK
I could cook for you!
BRIDGET
Huh!
Definitely not, no!
HECTOR
And I could be your waiter!
BRIDGET
Mmm.
HECTOR
I want to be your waiter.
BRIDGET
Yeah, OK then, but be serious!
NICK
But don’t worry, we will help you get your promotion.
Leave it to us!

6
ANNIE [composing email]
‘Nadia.
Hector wants a job.’
HECTOR
I am going – to look for a job.
ANNIE
‘But it’s difficult.
What can he do?
He can’t work in a launderette and he can’t work as a gardener.’
ANNIE
My plant!
BRIDGET
Hmm. [Composing email]
‘He can’t work as a cook, but then we saw the job for Hector, a waiter.’
HECTOR
A waiter?
NICK
Yeah you know. [Whistles]
[Composing email]
‘And Bridget’s boss, Howard wants to take her out to dinner tonight.
I wonder why?’
NICK
OK, Hector, you are the waiter, so you must set the table.
HECTOR
Yes, I have set the table, but there is one problem.
NICK
A problem?
HECTOR
The table is too small.
NICK
The table is too small?
HECTOR
Yes, look.
NICK
Hector, this is set for twelve courses!
HECTOR
Dinner at home is always like this.
NICK
Oh yes!
You are a million… [whispers] You are a millionaire.
This is just a little dinner for Bridget’s boss – OK?

7
HECTOR
OK.
NICK
OK.
I am a customer!
HECTOR
Where would you like to sit?
NICK
Hmm.
Here.
[Clears throat]
HECTOR
Oh, I … … …
The bill.
NICK
Not yet!
The menu first!
HECTOR
Oh, sorry, erm … [clears throat]
The menu.
NICK
Forget the menu.
What have you got today?
HECTOR
To eat?
NICK
To eat.
HECTOR
Today, as dish of the day, I have a delicious hot cat.
NICK
A hot cat?!
That’s a hot dog.
HECTOR
Ah! Hot cat, hot dog!
[Laughs] … Cat, hot … [Laughs]
NICK
Oh no!
ANNIE
Oh, how’s it going?

8
HECTOR
Great!
Nick is a good teacher.
ANNIE
Let’s see.
NICK
Ah-ah, Hector’s café is now closed.
HECTOR and ANNIE

Oh!!
ANNIE
I’ll get it.
DELIVERY MAN
Delivery, Miss Evans and Miss Taylor.
ANNIE
Oh, Thank you!
Bridget, look!
BRIDGET
Oh!
[Reading card] ‘For lovely Annie from H.’
ANNIE
For beautiful Bridget from H.
Who’s H?
BRIDGET
Oh, it must be Howard!
Oh, what is it!
ANNIE
Oh, Bridget!
Look, it’s Carina’s dress!
But how did he guess?!
BRIDGET
Oh, he’s a clever man!
Anyway, it’s not Carina’s dress now, it’s Bridget’s dress!
Oh, thank you Howard!
ANNIE
Oh Bridget, isn’t your boss kind!
But, why did he buy me one?
BRIDGET
Oh, I’ve told him all about you!
BRIDGET [composing email]

‘Chrissy, Howard, my boss is coming to dinner!’

9
BRIDGET
Me, dinner, tonight!
‘He wants to talk to me about a new job.
I’m so excited.’
BRIDGET
He’s so clever and he wants to see me!
‘He even sent me a dress!’
BRIDGET
Thank you Howard! Ah!
NICK [composing email]

His nickname is The Octopus.
HECTOR
The octopus!
NICK
Ugh!
‘Anyway - Hector and I will prepare and serve a good dinner this evening.’
NICK
We will help you get your promotion.
Sound of eggs being beaten
BRIDGET
[Clears throat]
NICK
Wow!
BRIDGET
OK, Nick?!
NICK
Yeah.
Hot.
The soup, hot.
HECTOR
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
The soup is hot.
NICK
Thank you Hector.
BRIDGET
He’s here.
Good evening Howard.
HOWARD
Ah Bridget, my princess!

10
BRIDGET
Please come in.
HOWARD
Bridget, you look divine.
Oh, this must be An-nie.
Are you sisters?
Such beauty!
Laughter
HOWARD
The dresses are exquisite!
ANNIE
Oh …
BRIDGET and ANNIE

… Thank you.
BRIDGET
Thank you.
HOWARD
Don’t thank me, it’s a privilege!
ANNIE
Oh and this of course is Nick.
NICK
Hi.
BRIDGET
And this is Hector.
He’s from Argentina.
HECTOR
Hello.
HOWARD
Argentina.
Do you have a cow?
HECTOR
Two million!
HOWARD
What?
HECTOR
My parents own two million cows.
BRIDGET
Ah yes, thank you Hector.
Hector’s English is a little …

11
HOWARD
Weird!
Never mind, ‘Ector.
HOWARD
So Bridget [ooh] what a beautiful apartment, for a beautiful lady.
Banging noise
HECTOR
Dinner is served!
NICK
Hector, go on!
HECTOR
Today, we have sick pea soup.
HOWARD
Mmm, sick pea soup, my favourite!
BRIDGET
Chick pea, chick pea!
HECTOR
[Erm] Chick pea soup.
HOWARD
[Laughing]
This guy is great!
Where did you find him?!
Sick pea soup! [Laughs]
Mind you, it does look like – ugh! [Laughs]
Sorry Nick!
HECTOR
Main course.
Teeth casserole.
HOWARD
Teeth casserole?
BRIDGET
Beef, beef.
HECTOR
Oh sorry, beef casserole!
HOWARD
I bet the beef is as hard as teeth!
[Laughs]
A dinner with bite!
Oh! Sorry, Nick!
So Bridget, you would like a better job?
BRIDGET
Well Howard, I, I …

12
HOWARD
Are you willing to work harder, hah?
HOWARD
You stupid idiot!
HECTOR
Sorry, erm … !
HOWARD
And Bridget, with your good looks …
NICK
What a creep!
HOWARD
Ay! It’s cold!
‘Ector!
I want hot coffee!
HECTOR
He wants hot coffee.
NICK
Then he will have hot coffee!
HOWARD
So – by the age of twenty [snoring noise] I had fifty people working for me.
BRIDGET
Fascinating!
HOWARD
My father said [snoring noise] – if you want more money, you must work hard!
HOWARD
Ay!
You have poisoned me!
You fool, you stupid boy!
ANNIE
Stupid!
BRIDGET
Don’t you dare talk to my friend Hector like that!
HOWARD
Oh, what is he?
Is he your boyfriend or something?!
BRIDGET
He is –
A kind and clever and lovely man, which is something that you will never, ever be!
So you can keep your job, you creep!

13
ANNIE
And we’ll send you back the dresses!
HOWARD
What dresses?
BRIDGET
Oh, these dresses, the ones you bought Annie and me!
HOWARD
I did not buy those dresses.
I would not spend money on you!
Hah!
BRIDGET
Goodbye Howard!
HOWARD
You’ve lost your job!
BRIDGET
Well too late, I quit!!
Sound of door slamming/applause
NICK
Howard said he did not buy the dresses.
So who did?
BRIDGET
If ‘H’ isn’t for Howard?
ANNIE
Then ‘H’ is for Hector!
BRIDGET
You, but why did you buy the dresses?
HECTOR
To say thank you.
BRIDGET
But they’re so expensive.
Where did you get the money?
NICK
[Clears throat]
HECTOR
I – found it.
ANNIE
Well, these expensive dresses must go back to the shop.
ANNIE
Yes they must!
But not until tomorrow.

14
ANNIE
That’s right, let’s go clubbing!
Come on, Nick! Hector!
BRIDGET
See you later, boys!
NICK
Hector, you are a true, true friend.
Money is not everything.
So, what did you buy me?
HECTOR
What do you think?
NICK
I love you, I love you!
HECTOR
Hmm!
One moment.
NICK
You didn’t buy me a bike, you didn’t buy me a bike, you didn’t buy me a bike.
You didn’t buy me a bike.
HECTOR
OK!
NICK
Thanks, Hector.
It’s really, really …
HECTOR
It’s OK Nick.
NICK
Hop on, I’ll give you a lift.
HECTOR
Hey …
NICK
Hey, so do you still want to be a waiter?
HECTOR
No, I want to be like you, Nick, a stunt man!
NICK and HECTOR

Aaah!!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA!
Nick gets a job on TV.
Annie loves watching TV.
And why does Hector want to learn to cook?

15

16
Episode 5
Narrative
VOICES ON TELEVISION
I can't live without you. I love you. I love you too, but it's for the best. It's finished. Oh, but darling, no.
I'll die without you.
ANNIE
[Blows nose]
No, she can't!
BRIDGET
No, she can’t! He’s too good looking!
ANNIE
And her husband’s so awful!
VOICE ON TELEVISION
I'm sorry, I'm more sorry than...
Sound of telephone
BRIDGET
It’s your turn.
ANNIE
Hello? A message for who? Rock Thrust? I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong number. That's
OK. Bye.
BRIDGET
Well, who was that?
ANNIE
Someone wanted Rock Thrust.
BRIDGET
Rock Thrust? What a stupid name.
ANNIE
I know. Who would have a silly name like that?
NICK
Go, go, go, go, go! It's a raid!
HECTOR
Don't move. Legs in the air.
NICK
Hands. Not legs, hands in the air.
HECTOR
Oh, sorry.
Hands in the air.
Episode 5 ‘A Star is Born’

1
BRIDGET
Hello Nick.
ANNIE
Hello Hector.
NICK
How did you know it was us?
ANNIE
Oh, lucky guess.
BRIDGET
Great. It's like Piccadilly Circus here on a Friday night. This apartment is very busy. Crazy phone
calls, crazy names and now the FBI!
NICK
So Bridget, darling, any messages for me?
BRIDGET
What do you mean, messages?
Who do you think I am? Your secretary?
This is not your apartment. You do not live here. I never have any privacy.
NICK
But they cut off my telephone.
BRIDGET
That's not my problem. You should pay your bills.
HECTOR
Sorry, Bridget.
BRIDGET
And Hector, you live with Nick now. Please knock on the door.
Now I want to be alone!
NICK
Well, that went well. What's wrong with her?
ANNIE
Nick, what day is it?
NICK
Wednesday.
ANNIE
And what time is it?
HECTOR
I know. Half past six.
ANNIE
So...
NICK and HECTOR

So...

2
ANNIE
So what's on television?
NICK
Oh, Love's True Dream.
HECTOR
Love's True Dream. What is that?
NICK
"Oh, Alberto, Alberto! I love you, I love you", "And I love you too, Penelope". Bridget's favourite
programme.
ANNIE
Yeah, and mine.
HECTOR
Oh, really, Annie? Why?
ANNIE
Because it's about the simple love of a boy from Argentina and a girl from England.
HECTOR
Huh?
ANNIE
The simple love of a boy from Argentina and a girl from England.
HECTOR
Nice.
ANNIE
Oh, Hector! I love this advert.
HECTOR
What is it?
ANNIE
It's for chocolate mousse - shhh! "Chocolate so smooth it will melt a beautiful lady's heart. Chocolate
mousse, the chocolate dessert for lov-ers". Hmmm, I love chocolate mousse.
Hey! This advert's good too. "Oooh, popcorn in the microwave, popcorn in just seconds, popcorn in
your tummy, they're pop-tastic!"
HECTOR
And do you like popcorn, Annie?
ANNIE
Oh yeah, especially pop-tastic popcorn.
HECTOR
Well, we don't have pop-tastic popcorn in Argentina, but we make great popcorn.
ANNIE
Yeah?
HECTOR
Yes, I'll make it in the frying pan.
NICK
Oh yes! Yes, great! I've got the part, I've got the part!

3
HECTOR
Wow, man! That is great!
ANNIE
What is it?
NICK
Let's just say that my face will be on your television every night at 6 o'clock in front of a huge
audience.
HECTOR
O-ho! "Ladies and gentleman, a star is born!".
ANNIE
Oh, Nick, that's fantastic!
HECTOR
Ha-ha! This is it, Nick.
Today, London, tomorrow, Hollywood.
Sound of cameras clicking
NICK
I'd just like to thank my parents, my brothers and sisters, my dog, ...... and of course my adorable
girlfriend, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Huh! I don't think so. Anyway, what's going on?
ANNIE
Oh, it's wonderful news, Bridget.
HECTOR
Nick is going to be on television.
BRIDGET
Well, tell us, Nick, what is it?
NICK
Well, it's on every night. It'll be hot. Sometimes it'll be stormy, so will you still love me when I'm a
superstar?
BRIDGET
Yes, Nick, and I'm going to help you to be a great superstar.
NICK
Yes!
BRIDGET
Lesson number one: This is how all superstars make a big exit.
Goodbye, Nick. See you at the Oscars.
Annie?
ANNIE
Uh-huh?
BRIDGET
I really think you're watching too many adverts.
ANNIE
What do you mean, too many adverts?

4
BRIDGET
Well, remember Chunky Chunks?
ANNIE
Oh, Chunky Chunks. "Hello and welcome to the Chunky Chunks challenge! Nick, in front of you are
two plates and all you have to do is tell me which plate is Chunky Chunks - A or B.
Ready? OK.
This is Plate A."
NICK
Hmm.
ANNIE
"Good. And this is Plate B."
NICK
Huh.
ANNIE
"OK, Nick. Which plate do you think was Chunky Chunks? A or B?"
NICK
Well, they both smelled great.
ANNIE
"Correct! Well done!
Both plates were Chunky Chunks!"
NICK
By the way, Annie.
ANNIE
Uh-huh?
NICK
What are Chunky Chunks?
ANNIE
Dog food, of course.
BRIDGET
Do you see what I mean?
ANNIE
I think so. What's that noise?
HECTOR
Oh, Annie's popcorn.
ANNIE
My popcorn?
HECTOR
Yes, I wanted to make popcorn just for you.
ANNIE
Oh Hector, thank you. Oh, you are sweet.
BRIDGET
I like popcorn too, Hector.

5
‘This apartment is very busy!
Crazy phone calls for a stranger called Rock Thrust.’
BRIDGET
‘Rock Thrust? What a stupid name!’
ANNIE
I know!

‘Hector and Nick come in without knocking!’
NICK
Go, go, go, go, go!
BRIDGET
And Annie is crazy about adverts!
ANNIE
"Popcorn in your tummy, they're pop-tastic!"
NICK
... ... guess what? I've got the part.
HECTOR
Man, that is great!
NICK
I'm gonna be a star!
[composing email] ‘My own show, every night at 6 o'clock in front of a huge audience!’
HECTOR
Today, London, tomorrow, Hollywood.
NICK
Ah, I co-starred with Russell Crowe in this one.
HECTOR
You, in Gladiator? Wow, Nick, I didn't realise. What were you?
NICK
The centurion.
HECTOR
Which centurion?
NICK
Ah! Here it is. There, that's me, on the ground.
HECTOR
Huh! A dead centurion.
NICK
Yeah, good, eh? I had some words, but they were cut.
HECTOR
What did you say?

6
NICK
"Nwrraaahhh!"
Hey, but now I've got the whole script just for me on television every night.
HECTOR
Nick, tell me, what is it?
NICK
It's my show. When I'm a star, I will not forget you, my friend.
VOICE ON TELEVISION
...Join me at 5.30 PM today when I'll show you how to make a delicious chocolate mousse, a dessert
for lovers. You'll need chocolate, eggs and butter.
And don't forget the way to a heart is through the stomach.
HECTOR
The way to the heart is through the stomach. What does that mean?
NICK
It means if you want a girlfriend, cook for her.
HECTOR
I want to learn how to cook.
ANNIE
Anyway, what do you mean by I watch too many adverts?
BRIDGET
Well, remember when you wanted us to change our washing powder?
ANNIE
Oh, ho! "Hello there. As a mother, I must fight different stains every day. Tomato ketchup. Chocolate -
huh! Gravy. And egg.
But help is here! I will wash one shirt in ordinary washing powder and the other in new Zap! So, the
shirt washed in normal washing powder is - oh! - still dirty, but the shirt washed in new Zap is …” Oh!
BRIDGET
Annie, have you seen my red T-shirt anywhere?
ANNIE
Oops!
BRIDGET
See what I mean?
HECTOR
Oh, hello, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Hello, Hector.
HECTOR
Oh, hi, Annie.
NICK
Oh, thank you. Yes, I know.
HECTOR
Do you know where Nick is?
BRIDGET
No, we've just arrived.

7
NICK
I'm a great actor.
ANNIE
I think I know where Nick is.
NICK
.....Would love to do the part, but I'm too busy.
No, it's not the money, but I don't need 15 million quid. Look, talk to my agent, Bridget, huh?
BRIDGET
I have an idea.
NICK
Oh, so Robert de Niro said yes already.
Hmm, well... hello?
Telephone rings
BRIDGET [pretending to be a Hollywood agent's secretary]

Hello? Nick Jessop?
NICK
Yeah.
BRIDGET [pretending to be a Hollywood agent's secretary]

I have an executive from Warner Brothers on the line for you.
NICK
Right.
HECTOR [pretending to be a Hollywood executive]

Hello Nick. You are very big in England. What are you working on now?
NICK
Hi. Well, it's something that all of England watches. It's the... You can laugh, but tomorrow night at 6
o'clock, you will see that Nick from next door has star quality and then Spielberg will call. Now excuse
me, I must learn my line.
ANNIE [composing email]

‘You know how much l love adverts. Do you remember my Chunky Chunks?’
"Hello and welcome to the Chunky Chunks challenge!" ‘And Zap!’
"New Zap!"
My favourite advert right now is for chocolate mousse. "Chocolate mousse, the chocolate dessert for
lovers".
CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE]

Hello all you gorgeous chefs. And welcome to Charlotte's Kitchen.
Today - hmmm! - chocolate mousse, a dessert for lovers. First, take some chocolate.
HECTOR
Chocolate.

And melt it over hot water.
HECTOR
Melt?
Oh! Over hot water.

8
Now, my darlings, you must separate the eggs into two bowls.
HECTOR
Separate the eggs?

Separate the yolk from the white.
HECTOR
Oh, the, the...
ANNIE
Hector?
HECTOR
Ah, hello, Annie.

Mix the yolk and the chocolate. Add the butter. And now for the fun - whisking! I love whisking, don't
you?
HECTOR
Oh, whisking?
ANNIE
Ah! You need Annie's magic whisk.
HECTOR
Yes, please.
CHARLOTTE
Nearly finished, my darlings. Finally, add the whites to the chocolate and put it in the fridge.
And in 30 minutes, this delicious chocolate mousse will be ready for your lover to taste - hmm!
HECTOR
And put it in the fridge - mwahh!
BRIDGET
Why Hector, who's the lucky lady? I think I know! Hmm! Chocolate mousse, my favourite dessert.
ANNIE
Nick!!
What time is it?!
HECTOR
Six o'clock.
ANNIE
Quick! Change channels!
VOICE ON TELEVISION
It's 6 o'clock and time for the weather with Rock Thrust!
With Rock Thrust.
NICK [Rock Thrust]

Oh, me. Oh, I’m ready.
ANNIE
The weather? Rock Thrust?

9
HECTOR
Nick!
NICK
Hi! I'm Rock Thrust. And here is the weather - big smile. And here is the weather. In the south, it will
be hot. (Sun, sun.)
Oh, sorry. Hot. So put on your beach clothes.
And in the west, it'll be windy.
And in the east, it will rain, so don't forget your umbrella - ha! And there could be some...,
Oh, no, not lightning. Ha!
And that's the weather with me, Rock Thrust.
HECTOR
Ah, come in and sit down. Close your eyes. Now, are you ready for a taste of paradise?
Chocolate so smooth it will melt a beautiful lady's heart. Ready?
ANNIE
Hmmm!
"Chocolate mousse, the chocolate dessert for lovers". Oh, Hector, that was so much fun! I love doing
adverts, especially with your delicious chocolate mousse.
HECTOR
Oh, I'm glad you like it.
BRIDGET
Well, hello! It's Rock Thrust. Would you like your messages, Mr Thrust? As your agent, I take 10 per
cent.
ANNIE
Oh, poor Nick. You must be very tired now.
NICK
Yeah, I am.
ANNIE
Working in television must be exhausting.
NICK
Yes, because I had to run all the way from the studio.
HECTOR
Run?
Why?
NICK
Because I was chased.
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Bridget wins the Lottery, Nick finds love at the traffic lights and why does Hector
become a dustman?
EXTRA, don't miss it.

10
Episode 6
Narrative
BRIDGET [reading horoscope]

Taurus: "Today you will have a change in career which will give you more money."
BRIDGET
More money!
Ohhh! It's my lucky day.
Now where was I?
99, 100. Good, that's done.
Now the cushions. In my special order: orange, pink, purple...
HECTOR
Hi, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Oh, hi Hector. Red.
HECTOR
Hi, Annie.
ANNIE
I'm just... Bridget, no!
It's OK, Bridget, you didn't see it. You didn't see it!
BRIDGET
What are you wearing? Take it off!
HECTOR
What?
BRIDGET
Your shirt, it's that colour. Take it off.
HECTOR
This shirt? What is wrong with the colour? What's wrong with yell...
ANNIE
Ahhh!
BRIDGET
Don't say it!
Don't say that colour. Just take it off and throw it out!
HECTOR
OK, OK.
BRIDGET
Done?
HECTOR
Done.
Episode 6 Bridget Wins the Lottery

1
ANNIE
Bridget must not see anybody wearing that colour.
HECTOR
Why?
BRIDGET
Because that colour - urghhh! - is very unlucky for me and today is Lotto day!
HECTOR
Lotto day. What's...
BRIDGET
The Lottery.
I pick 5 numbers. My numbers are: 66, 11, 89, 18 and 69.
If my numbers are the same as the Lottery numbers on television, I win millions!
HECTOR
I've never heard of it.
ANNIE
Bridget gets very excited.
HECTOR
Oh.
BRIDGET
But I know how to keep calm.
ANNIE
Yoga.
So, there we are, Hector.
HECTOR
Great. I am going shopping. Do you need anything?
BRIDGET
Yes.
Could you get my dress from the dry cleaner's, please?
HECTOR
Dry cleaner's? OK.
BRIDGET
The blue ticket is on the board.
HECTOR
Oh. Got it. See you later, Bridget.
NICK
4-6-4-7. Hector!
HECTOR
Hi, Nick. I've just been to see Bridget.
NICK
Yes, I can see. Anyway, where are you going?
HECTOR
Oh, I am going shopping.

2
NICK
Ah, yeah. Wait, wait, wait.
Come in here. 7-9-4-6-4-6-4-7. 7-9-4-6-4-6-4-7.
Pen, pen, I need a... aha! pen. 7-9-4-6-4-6-4-7. Paper. Paper! 7-9-4-6-4-6-4-7. Hoo! Thanks, Hector.
HECTOR
What is it?
NICK
Aha! Today I met a girl called Emily. She is very beautiful - long blonde hair, big...
HECTOR
Yes?
NICK
...blue eyes, and she is crazy about me.
HECTOR
Where did you meet her?
NICK
She was in her sports car. [Imitates car revving noise]
At the traffic lights.
HECTOR
Oh!
NICK
I asked her for a lift. She said 2No”/ but she shouted her phone number – 7-9-6-4-6-4-7.
HECTOR
Oh, I see.
NICK
Mwahh, ha-ha-ha! Hey!
Maybe she has a friend or a sister.
HECTOR
Wow, yeah!
NICK
Let's go out. Today is my lucky day.
VOICE ON TELEVISION
Now it's time for the National Lottery.
BRIDGET
Oh good. Is this my lucky day?
VOICE ON TELEVISION
And the numbers are...
Sound of telephone ringing
BRIDGET
Yes?
Oh, hello, Mother. Yes, well, I'm a bit busy. Can I call you - back?
Ahhh! I've won! Mum! I've won! I must go.
VOICE ON TELEVISION
And those were this week's lucky numbers.

3
BRIDGET
Oh, whooaaaahhhhhh!
ANNIE
What is it?
BRIDGET
Annie! Ahhhhh!
ANNIE
Bridget, I can't understand you!
BRIDGET
Annie, I have won the National Lottery!
BRIDGET and ANNIE

Aaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! Whooahhhhhhh!
BRIDGET
From now on, it will be a life of luxury.
Designer clothes!
ANNIE
Exotic holidays!
BRIDGET
Luxury homes!
The very best restaurants!
ANNIE
… Or mixing with the stars! [Ah …].
BRIDGET
But of course I will give a lot of money to charity.
No more work, no more bosses.
In fact I’ll call now and resign.
Dialling sound on mobile phone
VOICEMAIL MESSAGE
Hello, this is Harry Bowler.
Leave a message and I'll ring you back.
BRIDGET
Harry, it's Bridget. I resign!
I quit! I'm off!
Keep your job. Goodbye!
ANNIE
Oh dear.
BRIDGET
From now on, no more bosses for Bridget. Bridget is the boss!
Now I'll just get my lucky little ticket.
BRIDGET
Ah!!
ANNIE
What is it?

4
BRIDGET
My Lottery ticket has disappeared.
ANNIE
What?!
BRIDGET
But the dry cleaning ticket is still there.
Hector has taken the wrong ticket. We'll go to the dry cleaner's.
BRIDGET [writing email]

‘Today was Lottery day and, as usual, I did exactly the same thing to bring me luck.
I brushed my hair 100 times – 99, 100.
I arranged the cushions in my special order.
I did my yoga.’
ANNIE [writing email]

‘Guess what? The good news is, Bridget has won the Lottery.’
BRIDGET and ANNIE

Ahhhhhhhh!
ANNIE
The bad news is, her winning Lottery ticket has disappeared.
Bridget asked Hector to collect her dry cleaning, but Hector took the wrong ticket!
HECTOR
Got it!
ANNIE
Oh dear!
Poor Bridget!
BRIDGET
My Lottery ticket has disappeared.
HECTOR and NICK

Hey …. Hey …. Ay!!!
HECTOR
Hey, Nick, that waitress really likes you.
NICK
Two girls in one day.
Call me Mr. Irresistible, ooh-oh! Hi, girls.
HECTOR
Hi, Bridget. Oops!
Your dress, Bridget. I forgot, sorry. I..., how did you collect the cleaning when I had the ticket?
BRIDGET
No, Hector - darling.
You have the wrong ticket.
HECTOR
I have the wrong ticket?
BRIDGET
You have the wrong ticket.
Now give it to me.

5
HECTOR
Yes, I have it here, Bridget.
BRIDGET
You have got the ticket, Hector.
HECTOR
Yes, I have got the ticket, Bridget. I have lost the ticket.
BRIDGET
You have lost the ticket, Hector?
HECTOR
I have lost the ticket, Bridget.
NICK
You've lost the ticket, Hector.
You can't have lost the ticket! Emily's number is on the back!
BRIDGET
Oh-wah-wah-ah!!
HECTOR
Are you OK, Bridget?
BRIDGET
The ticket you took from the board was not the dry cleaning ticket.
It was my Lottery ticket.
My winning Lottery ticket.
HECTOR
Oh.
BRIDGET
I am a multimillionaire.
But with no ticket!
And you, you can stop smiling, because this is your fault too!
ANNIE
OK! Nick! Hector! Where have you been?
HECTOR
Well, first we went to the CD shop.
NICK
No, no, no. First we went to Leo's Café. Remember the waitress?
HECTOR
Oh yeah! She was ... ... ...
BRIDGET
Yes, and...?
HECTOR
Then we went to the CD shop.
NICK
Then we went to Cool Man.
HECTOR
And then we went to the motorbike showroom.

6
NICK
Yeah!
Sound of Nick and Hector imitating motor bike noises
BRIDGET
Stop!
So, you are going back to look for it!
HECTOR and NICK

Yes, ma'am!
BRIDGET
And don't come back until you've found it, OK?
HECTOR & NICK

OK!
BRIDGET
The ticket must be claimed by 10 o'clock tonight.
Now get going!
HECTOR & NICK

Yeah, ... ... ...
BRIDGET
Understood?
HECTOR and NICK

Understood!
ANNIE
Cancer: "Today there is trouble at home."
BRIDGET
Grrrrr!!!
ANNIE
You can say that again!
NICK
OK, Hector. I hope you find the ticket. See you later.
HECTOR
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where are you going?
NICK
Well, I am going to the traffic lights.
Emily might return. I can't ring her, because her number is on the lost ticket, remember?
HECTOR
Yeah, but what shall I do?
NICK
Look for the ticket, of course.
HECTOR
Yeah, but what shall I say?
NICK
Well, you say..., OK, I am the shopkeeper. You are you.

7
HECTOR
Great!
NICK
Great.
HECTOR
Good afternoon.
NICK [pretending to be shopkeeper]

Good afternoon.
HECTOR
I have lost my ticket.

What sort of ticket?
HECTOR
Oh, my winning Lottery ticket.

Oh, your winning..., wait a moment. You can't say, "I have lost my winning Lottery ticket".
HECTOR
Why not?
NICK
Because if they know it is a winning Lottery ticket, they will keep the money, they will hide it.
HECTOR
Oh.
NICK
So you must be someone else.
HECTOR
Who?
NICK
Ha! Someone who can search the rubbish bins.
HECTOR
Search the rubbish bins?
NICK
That's it! A dustman.
HECTOR
Dustman?
NICK
Yeah! A dustman can search the rubbish bins. Ha! Great idea, Nick.
HECTOR
Yeah, great idea, Nick.
NICK
Come on! You need to prepare!

8
NICK [writing email]
‘What a day!
I met a girl called Emily at the traffic lights - she's crazy about me!
And she gave me her telephone number.
Unfortunately I wrote her number on Bridget's Lottery ticket which Hector lost.’
Emily's number is on the back!
BRIDGET
‘So I told them, "Don't come back until you find it.”
Now get going!
HECTOR and NICK

Yeah-yeah-yeah!!!!
Sound of mobile phone ringing
HECTOR
Hello?
BRIDGET
Hello? Hector?
HECTOR
Hello, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Have you found the ticket?
HECTOR
No, not yet.
BRIDGET
Well, where's Nick?
HECTOR
At the traffic lights.
BRIDGET
What?! At the traffic lights? Well, call me when you've found the ticket! Leo: "Today you will have a
big surprise. Your life will be turned upside-down." Hmm!
HECTOR
Right!
ANNIE
Leo: “Today you will have a big surprise.
Your life will be turned upside-down.”
BRIDGET
Ohhh!!!
NICK [whistling and humming]
BRIDGET
Well?
NICK
Well.
ANNIE
Well?

9
NICK
Well, what?
BRIDGET
Any luck?
NICK
Well, yes and no.
BRIDGET
Yes and no?
NICK
Hmm. The bad news is, I didn't find her.
BRIDGET
Who?
NICK
Emily.
BRIDGET
Emily who?
NICK
Emily, the girl at the traffic lights.
BRIDGET
Oh.
NICK
The good news is...
BRIDGET
Yes?
NICK
I made £50 cleaning windscreens.
BRIDGET
Ahhh! Where's Hector?
Where's my ticket? Oh, look at the time. It's ten to ten!
ANNIE
Ten to ten?
I haven't fed Charlie.
Oh, where is Charlie? I must find him.
NICK
Charlie was asleep on my bed this afternoon.
ANNIE
Oh, thanks Nick.
Oh, there you are, Charlie. Charlie? What's this?
Ohhhh! Ohhhhh!
Bridget! Bridget! I found it! Your ticket!
BRIDGET
What?!
NICK
Where?

10
ANNIE
On Nick's bed.
NICK
Who?
BRIDGET
On Nick's bed!
Well, give it to me.
NICK
No, give it to me!
BRIDGET
It's my Lottery ticket.
NICK
Emily's number's on the back!
BRIDGET
It's mine!
NICK
Give it to me!
ANNIE
It's OK, it's OK. I'll stick it back together.
BRIDGET and NICK

Grrrrrrrrrr!
ANNIE
Done! Ha! Oh, hi Hector. Oh, poor Hector. I've just found the ticket on Nick's bed. Isn't it exciting?
BRIDGET
Thank you!
Ha!
Now I can claim my money!
Sound of door being banged
ANNIE
Oh, poor Hector.
I’ve just found the ticket on Nick’s bed.
Isn’t it exciting!
HECTOR
Yeah, great.
NICK
I can call Emily now!
HECTOR
Oh, great!
NICK
When Bridget has finished.
HECTOR
Great.

11
ANNIE
Shh! Shh!
BRIDGET
Hello!
I'd like to claim my prize money, please. My numbers are: 66, 11, 89, 18 and 69.
What?! What do you mean, they're not the winning numbers? Well, what are your numbers then?
Well, 69, 81, 68, 11 and 99? But how?
HECTOR
Hey, I know what happened.
Bridget, what were you doing while watching the Lottery?
BRIDGET
My yoga.
HECTOR
Aha! Which position?
BRIDGET
This one.
HECTOR
Exactly.
These are your numbers, but this way.
BRIDGET
Ohhh!!
ANNIE
Oh, bravo, Hector.
HECTOR
Hey, it was nothing.
NICK
Aha! Emily's number. 7-9-4-6-4-6-4-7. Aha, it's ringing. Helloooo. Is Emily there? No?
Who are you?
Jack's Taxis? Emily! You tricked me!
BRIDGET
Oh, what an unlucky day.
Well, it can't get any worse. Yes, it can. The phone call. My job. We must get that tape back. Now.
And I know just the man for the job.
ANNIE
Well, it can’t get any worse!
BRIDGET
Yes it can!
The phone call.
My job.
We must get the tape back – now!
And I know just the men for the job!
HECTOR & NICK

Oh no!
BRIDGET & ANNIE

Oh yes!

12
HECTOR
Nick, should we be here?
NICK
It's OK. Bridget said it was OK.
HECTOR
Look! There is the answerphone.
NICK
Quick, get the tape!
Sound of dog barking
SECURITY GUARD
Security! Who's there?
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Bridget's twin comes to stay, Hector asks Annie on a date and why is Bridget
being so nice, or is she?

13
Episode 7
Narrative
BRIDGET [reading email message]

"I got the photos, thanks. Your friends look cute. Do they know about me?"
"Well, they know I have a sister, but they don't know I have an identical twin!"
"Well, don't tell them and we'll have some fun. I'll see you on the 16th of June. My plane lands at 3. I'll
get a taxi from the airport.
Love you, Chrissy."
HECTOR [speaking on the phone in Spanish]

No, mama, no es … …
BRIDGET and HECTOR

Mothers!
HECTOR
My mother thinks I am 10 years old.
BRIDGET
My Mum treats me like a baby too.
HECTOR
My Mum doesn't understand me.
BRIDGET
My Mum doesn't understand me, but Chrissy is perfect.
HECTOR
Who is Chrissy?
BRIDGET
Oh, she's my sister.
BRIDGET
Oh, excuse me. Hi? Oh, hello Mother.
Yes Mother, I have remembered she’s arriving today.
HECTOR
Oh, hi Nick. I've come to get my weights.
NICK
Ah, Mr Romero. Take off your trousers and like down, please.
HECTOR
Pardon, Nick?
NICK
Ah, please, call me Doctor Jessop.
Episode 7 The Twin

1
Sound of emergency siren
HECTOR
Doctor Jessop?
NICK
Hector, I want a part in the TV show Hospital Fever. I need to practise.
Anyway, women love men in white coats.
HECTOR
Really?
NICK
Ha-ha-ha! So, where does it hurt?
HECTOR
Where does what hurt?
NICK
You are my patient so you must hurt somewhere.
HECTOR
OK, oh, my arm, my arm hurts.
NICK
Your leg or your arm? Leg, arm, arm, leg.
HECTOR
Oh, OK, my leg, my leg.
NICK
OK. Sit down please, Mr Romero. Hmm, cross your legs. Ha! Now, don't worry, Mr Romero, this won't
hurt at all.
Arrgghhhh! Oooh, oooh!
HECTOR
Sorry, Nick, it was an accident.
NICK
OK. You have good reflexes.
HECTOR
Good.
NICK
Now, Mr Romero, please say "Ah!"
HECTOR
Huh?
NICK
Mmm! I thought so.
HECTOR
What?
NICK
You had cornflakes for breakfast.
HECTOR
Oh.
Episode 7 The Twin

2
NICK
Now I must give you an injection.
HECTOR
An injection?
NICK
Yes, an injection.
BRIDGET
It's open.
CHRISSY
Ta-daaa!
BRIDGET
Chrissy!! You're early. Come in, come in!
BRIDGET and CHRISSY

Twinnies!
CHRISSY
Oh Bridget, darling, it's lovely to see you.
BRIDGET
And you, Chrissy.
How was your flight?
CHRISSY
Great, but can you believe it, they lost my luggage.
BRIDGET
Incredible.
Oh Chrissy, look at you. You never change. You're still a teenager.
CHRISSY
Oh, didn't we have fun then.
BRIDGET
Yeah, at school.
CHRISSY
"It wasn't me Miss, it was Bridget!"
BRIDGET
"It wasn't me Miss, it was Chrissy!"
We shared everything.
CHRISSY
Yes, we did.
"He loves me."
BRIDGET
"No, he loves me, me, me!"
Anyway, here we are now.
CHRISSY
Bridget, do you have some clothes I could borrow? I travelled in this dress. I need something more
comfortable.
Episode 7 The Twin

3
BRIDGET
Something like this? I bought two for the price of one.
CHRISSY
Bridget, this looks really good.
BRIDGET
Great.
HECTOR
Sorry, I can't exercise. I've hurt my back.
CHRISSY [pretending to be Bridget]

Why, Hector. You are so muscular.
HECTOR
Oh, thanks. How is your Mum?

She is such a good friend. She really understands me.
HECTOR
But I thought that...
NICK
It's OK. I'm here. Where's the emergency?

Well, hello, Nick, the actor.
Ooh, I love doctors.

Excuse me. Hello?
Hello, Mummy.
NICK
This is it! Women love doctors. Bridget can't resist me.
HECTOR
Really?
NICK
Hey, darling, come to Nick.
CHRISSY
See you soon, Mummy. Love you lots. Bye!
So Doctor, where were we?
Ooh, I think I have a temperature.
NICK
Madam, I think I can help. Tell me where it hurts.
ANNIE
Hi, Hector!
Hi, Nick!
Hi, Bridget!

Annie, darling! How are you? Doesn't Nick look good as a doctor?
Episode 7 The Twin

4
ANNIE
Yes, he looks very, very good.

Now you must excuse me, I must do my make-up.
NICK
Ooooh!
BRIDGET
Guess what? My twin sister Chrissy has arrived from Australia.
She lost her luggage, so she has borrowed my clothes.
NICK
That's it! Women love doctors!
Today I practised for a part as a doctor and Bridget couldn't resist me!
HECTOR
Bridget is in a really strange mood today. A moment ago, she said that her mother was her best
friend.
ANNIE
So?
HECTOR
But an hour ago, she said that her mother treated her like a baby. I am confused.
NICK
I wonder what Bridget was like when she was younger.
HECTOR
I wonder what Annie was like.
ANNIE
I wonder what Nick was like.
Nick?
NICK
Huh! I know what Hector was like.
Anyway, I must continue rehearsing as Doctor Jessop, especially as Bridget loves doctors so much.
Aha!
ANNIE
Ohhh! Nick only likes Bridget, Bridget, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Am I interrupting?
ANNIE
No.
HECTOR
Yes.
BRIDGET
Excuse me!
ANNIE
But why? Nick never notices me. Ohhh! And he looks so handsome in his doctor's coat.
Episode 7 The Twin

5
HECTOR
Really?

Aha! Sweet!
ANNIE
But I thought that …

… Your faces!
Are you two … ?
ANNIE
No!
HECTOR
Yes.

Aw, but you look so nice together.

So Hector, are you and Annie dating?
HECTOR
Well...

Come on, Hector.
You can tell me. It's not a problem.
HECTOR
Really?

Really.
HECTOR
OK. I really like Annie.

Go on.
HECTOR
But she doesn't notice me.

Well, ask her on a date.
HECTOR
Well, should I? OK.

Oh, and Hector, when I was at the airport today, I found this magazine.
HECTOR
Airport?

Is this you?
Episode 7 The Twin

6
Are you this rich boy, Hector?
HECTOR
Yeah, but please, don't tell Annie.

Oh, you want her to like you, not your money.
HECTOR
Yeah.

That is so sweet.
Well, don't you worry. Your secret is safe with me.
HECTOR
Oh, thanks.
Banging noise
HECTOR and NICK

Oh –ow-ow!!
HECTOR
Bridget is in a really good mood today!
NICK
Really? Gre-at!
Hi!

Hi, Nick darling, or Dr Jessop.
Would you help me?
NICK
Sure.

Would you move this exercise bike to give me more space?
NICK
Sure.
Yeah. Eeyahh!

Oh, you're so strong.
NICK
I need a drink.
Would you like one?

Yes, please.
NICK
Aha! Bridget, darling. Have you finished, because now we can make a little sweet music of our own,
darling.
BRIDGET
In your dreams, Nick.
NICK
Episode 7 The Twin

7
Huh?
BRIDGET
Who moved my bike?
NICK
I did, because you...
BRIDGET
Well, move it back then - if you're strong enough.
HECTOR
Aha!
HECTOR
Dr Romero, at your service.
ANNIE
Ooh, hello!
Oh, Hector, you look great! Oh, I love doctors.
BRIDGET
Oh, Hector you look great!
Oh, I love doctors.
ANNIE
I’m fed up – Nick only likes Bridget! Bridget! Bridget!
But dear Hector comforts me, he is so kind.
And Bridget is in a strange mood today.
First she said, [“Am I interrupting?”] then two minutes later she said, [“Sweet!”]
It’s like two different people!
NICK
First she asked me to move her bike: ["Would you move this exercise bike to give me more space?"]
then one minute later, she told me to put it back again: ["Who moved my bike?"]
Huh!
Women!
HECTOR
Hi, Annie.
ANNIE
Oh, hi, Hector.
Hector, think of a card.
HECTOR
OK, ace of diamonds.
ANNIE
No, don't tell me.
HECTOR
Annie?
ANNIE
Yes, Hector?
HECTOR
I have something to ask you.
ANNIE
Yes, Hector?
Episode 7 The Twin

8
HECTOR
The thing is, do you like to come to the cinema tomorrow night with me?
ANNIE
Pardon?
HECTOR
Would you like to come to the cinema tomorrow night - with me?
ANNIE
Oh, well, yes, I'd like to.
HECTOR
OK. See you then.

So Annie, did Hector ask you out?
ANNIE
To the cinema, yes. Do you want to come?

Of course not!
Have a great time!
ANNIE
I wonder which film we should see.
BRIDGET
When?
ANNIE
When I go to the cinema with Hector, of course.
BRIDGET
What? You and Hector are going to the cinema?
I don't believe it.

Phew, I'm starving! Hmm! These are my favourite biscuits.
I think there are some good films on now, Annie.
BRIDGET
All the films are rubbish at the moment anyway. I'm starving. Ecchh!
I hate these biscuits.

Now I must phone the airport.
ANNIE
Ohhhh!

What is it, Annie?
ANNIE
I don't understand.
If you are there, then who is in the bathroom?
What?!!
Episode 7 The Twin

9
BRIDGET
What? Ahhhhhhhh!
Annie, what are you doing?
ANNIE
But you're, you're … !
BRIDGET
… Twins.
ANNIE
Bridget, I didn’t know!
BRIDGET
This is my twin sister Chrissy.
Didn't I tell you about her?
ANNIE
Ahh! Now I understand. So Nick and Hector don't know that you are twins.
BRIDGET
No, I don't think so.
You know, we could have some fun with this …
ANNIE
Maybe a magic trick?
Hector! Nick! Come in!
You are just in time to see my new magic trick. Take a seat.
HECTOR
Wow, I can't wait.
ANNIE
Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, just gentlemen.
Today I will make my lovely assistant Bridget disappear!
Enter, Bridget!
Sound of drum roll
NICK and HECTOR

Whoo-whoooo! Whoo-whoooo!
ANNIE
OK, Bridget, in you go.
Bridget. Bridget!
I will make Bridget disappear from this box and appear in this box.
NICK
Oh, this I must see.
ANNIE
Now a tap with the magic wand.
NICK and HECTOR

Hey! Hey!
ANNIE
Which means that the first box is empty.
NICK and HECTOR

Whooo! Hey!
Episode 7 The Twin

10
ANNIE
Bridget, you are moving quickly today.
Let's just check that the other box is empty.
HECTOR
Hey!
She's going round the back.
ANNIE
OK, gentlemen, place your bets, please.
Which box do you think Bridget is in?
NICK
The box on the left.
HECTOR
No, no, the box on the right.
ANNIE
OK. Let's see.
A drum roll, please.
Sound of drum roll
ANNIE
Gentlemen, applause, please, for Bridget and Chrissy! Oh, I think there's something wrong with the
audience. Is there a doctor in the house?
BRIDGET
Bye, Chrissy, come back again!
CHRISSY
I will, I promise. Bye, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Oh, Chrissy, I'll miss you. Oh! She forgot her magazine.
What?!
It can't be!
It is!
It's Hector!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Hector helps build some new shelves, Nick helps build some new shelves, and
what happens when the landlady's cousin comes to stay? EXTRA, don't miss it.
Episode 7 The Twin

11
Episode 8
Narrative
ANNIE [Reading note]

"Dear Tenants, my cousin, your landlady, is on holiday this week, so I am in charge. The same rules
apply: no pets, no parties, no visitors, especially boys. Yours, Eunice Mountain."
Eunice Mountain? She sounds terrible! Worse than the tarantula.
BRIDGET
If that’s possible.
ANNIE
Do you think she’ll say no shelves?
BRIDGET
She can't. They'll look fantastic. "The timber shelves in clear lacquered beech veneer with six castors
and a TV bench."
ANNIE
Ooh! Now, where shall we begin?
BRIDGET
Annie, it's easy. Rule number one: always read the instructions first.
ANNIE
Well, that will only take a week.
BRIDGET
OK, let's have a drink before we begin. Milk, Annie?
ANNIE
Yes, please.
BRIDGET
“I owe you, Nick.”
There! Well, no milk. Would you like some sparkling water?
ANNIE
Right.
BRIDGET
"I owe you, Nick." "I owe you, Nick." "I owe you, Nick!" How dare he? Aha!
Would you like some cola?
NICK
Thanks, Bridget, I was looking for that.
BRIDGET
Nick!
NICK
Huh? Sorry.
BRIDGET
Add it to the list.
Or ask your flat mate to buy your food.
Episode 8 The Landlady’s Cousin 1

NICK
Huh? Wow!
BRIDGET
You didn't know Hector was rich?
NICK
No.
BRIDGET
I'll speak to you later!
HECTOR
Wow, what are all these boxes?
ANNIE
Our new shelves, Hector.
HECTOR
I can help you build them. Where are the instructions?
NICK
Hector, my friend, rule number one: never read the instructions.
ANNIE
Ohhh, I see you have a note from our new landlady then.
BRIDGET
Eunice Mountain!
NICK
Eunice Mountain. I bet she's the same size. [Sound of intercom buzzing] Hello? It's Eunice
Mountain. Who am I? I'm Nick, from Flat B. Oh, you want Flat A? This is... [Sound of intercom
buzzing] Hello? Yes, this is Flat A. Yes, I am Nick from Flat B. Yes, I know this isn't my flat.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I want to see you downstairs - now!
NICK
Sorry. OK. Right away.
BRIDGET
Well?
NICK
Eunice Mountain wants to see me downstairs now.
HECTOR
Oh, bad luck, man.
ANNIE
Oh dear.
BRIDGET
Ask her if she has any milk, bread and biscuits.
NICK
Ha-ha..
ANNIE
OK, so: "First open box A and take out shelf number 1."

BRIDGET
But which is box A?
HECTOR
This is box C.
ANNIE
And I've got box D.
HECTOR
Ah, I've got it. This is shelf number 1.
ANNIE
No, Hector. This is shelf number 1.
BRIDGET
No, this is shelf number 1.
ANNIE
Oh, this is a nightmare.
HECTOR
OK, Annie, read out the instructions.
ANNIE [Reading instructions]

"Put shelf 1 against the wall."
Hector, I think the books will fall off.
Sound of door to flat opening and closing
BRIDGET
So what's Eunice Mountain like?
NICK
You know, not bad.
HECTOR
Are you in trouble?
NICK
Probably.
HECTOR
I've got it - put pole B on the left and pole A on the right and the shelf on top. Bridget.
BRIDGET
Like this, Hector? Have you put up shelves before, Hector?
HECTOR
Many times.
BRIDGET
Or do your servants do it for you?
NICK
I'll do it!
HECTOR
No, no, no, I'll do it.
NICK
Drop! Drop! Ha! I laugh at instructions.

BRIDGET
Oh, that was clever.
HECTOR
It's OK. I can straighten it.
NICK
Aha! Stand back and watch the master at work!
Sound of wood being sawed
NICK
Da-daaa!
ANNIE
Oh, well done, Nick.
BRIDGET
Hmm.
HECTOR
Wow!
BRIDGET
So where does this piece go?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hi, I'm Eunice Mountain, your new landlady.
BRIDGET [Composing email]

‘Anyway, guess what I have discovered?
Hector's family - the Romero Family - is one of the richest in Argentina!
Can you believe it?!’
NICK
Wow!
ANNIE [Composing email]

‘The good news is: our landlady has gone on holiday!
The bad news is: her cousin - Eunice Mountain - is our temporary landlady.
She sounds awful.’
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hi.
BRIDGET
Hello. I, I, I, I am Bridget, and this is Annie.
ANNIE
Hello.
BRIDGET
And this is Hector from Argentina.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Well, hello, Hector.
BRIDGET
Hector lives next door with Nick.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I've met Nick already, haven't I, Nick.
NICK
Oh yes, that's right.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hmm, we need to talk about your rent - in private.
NICK
Gre-at – uhhh!!
HECTOR [Reading instructions]

"Measure the distance between the shelves." Oh. Aha. Annie, hold this, please. Aha, that's it, uh-huh.
And this should be it!
ANNIE
Hector, do you think that's correct? These shelves are for mice.
BRIDGET
Can I speak to you please, Hector?
HECTOR
Hmm?
BRIDGET
So, Hector, one of the richest families in Argentina, the Romero family.
There you are, Hector! So why the secret?
HECTOR
Because I wanted you to like me, not my money.
BRIDGET
Oh Hector, of course I do. Who else knows?
HECTOR
Nick.
BRIDGET
I thought so.
HECTOR
But not Annie. Don't tell Annie - yet.
BRIDGET
Why, Hector?
HECTOR
Because Bridget, I ..., because...
BRIDGET
Yes?
HECTOR
Because I - I am in love with Annie.
NICK
Nick has entered the building!
BRIDGET
So where are you going looking like John Travolta?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
He has a date with me, haven't you, darling.
HECTOR
Another date?
BRIDGET
But that's three times this week!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Four.
We've been to dinner, to the theatre, to the cinema and last night - salsa dancing!
BRIDGET
Can you salsa?
NICK & EUNICE

Whooo!!!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I am the salsa queen!
BRIDGET
Yeah, with two left feet.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Pardon?
BRIDGET
Nothing.
HECTOR
It sounds great.
BRIDGET
What is it tonight?
Ping pong?
NICK
Tonight's it's karaoke.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
And I am the karaoke queen! Let's go.
Bye! “I love yo-u-u!”
BRIDGET [Mimicking Eunice]

"I am the karaoke queen!"
I bet she sings like a toad.
ANNIE
So, Hector, where were we?
HECTOR
OK, I think I've got it, Annie.
Assorted b/g noises/music
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I did knock, but the music was so loud, you didn't hear me. I thought we'd have a little chat. Rule
number two: no underwear on the radiator.
ANNIE

Oh, well, it's dry now. Give it to me. Give it to...., thank you.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Let me repeat the rules.
No parties and no visitors, especially boys.
Especially boys from next door.
Especially Nick. He's mine!
Get the message?
ANNIE
Erm, yeah, we get the message.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
See you later. Oh, by the way, that shelf is not straight. Bye!
BRIDGET
Well, I have never!
What does she..., who does she think she is?
ANNIE
The landlady's cousin?
BRIDGET
Oooh, I know that, but no Hector and no Nick? How dare she?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Coo-eee!
Coo-eee!
NICK [groaning]
NICK [groaning]
HECTOR
How is Eunice?
NICK [groaning]
HECTOR
Problems?
NICK
She is very nice.
HECTOR
But?
NICK
But - she's just not my type.
HECTOR
What do you mean?
NICK
Look, presents.
More presents. Flowers. More presents. Chocolate.
And her energy! I'm exhausted!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Nick! Ooh, Nick!
Coo-eee! Let's go dancing!

NICK
Hector, get rid of her!
HECTOR
Get rid of her? How?
NICK
Say something!
HECTOR
What shall I say?
NICK
Anything! Tell her I'm not well.
I've eaten a hedgehog. I've gone to the moon.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN [Knocking on door]

Oh, Nick, are you in there?
NICK
Go on!
HECTOR
OK, OK! Oh, hi.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
You're not Nick.
HECTOR
No. Nick.., Nick's hedgehog has gone to the moon.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Pardon?
HECTOR
Nick's hedgehog is not well. Nick is sad.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
So, he must come dancing to make him happy.
HECTOR
No, no!
He cannot dance!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Why not?
HECTOR
He stood on the hedgehog without shoes. Very painful.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, very messy!
HECTOR
So he cannot dance.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, that's a pity.
Well, never mind.
HECTOR
Yeah, sorry.

Bye.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Da-da-da-da!
You'll just have to come instead!
HECTOR
Pardon?!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Come on, let's dance!

‘Yes, Hector is still building the shelves.
I don't know why he is so keen to help!
Still, I like it!’
ANNIE
Do you think that’s correct?
ANNIE
‘And poor Nick! He looks exhausted!
He's going out with Eunice. They've been to the theatre, the cinema, a restaurant, a salsa club and a
karaoke club. She is the Karaoke Queen!’
NICK & EUNICE

Oooooohhhhhh!
ANNIE
I don't think Bridget likes her.
ANNIE
"And tighten the screws." Annie, you are a genius.
Hi, Hector.
HECTOR
Hi, Annie.
ANNIE
What's the matter? Are you OK?
HECTOR
I am exhausted.
ANNIE
What happened?
HECTOR
Last night, Eunice and I...
ANNIE
Yes?
HECTOR
She made me...
ANNIE
Yes?
HECTOR
… Go dancing.
ANNIE
Oh!

HECTOR
Annie, she dances like a rhinoceros.
Whoa! Annie! The shelves! You finished them!
ANNIE
Oh, just a bit more measuring.
HECTOR
I will help you.
ANNIE
Oh.
HECTOR
Oh.
ANNIE
Sorry.
HECTOR
Sorry.
ANNIE
It's OK.
It happens when people work together. So, where were we?
Ah! "For the final shelf, take..." oh! Hector! Oohhh!
NICK
Help! Hide me!
Wooo!!
HECTOR
Eunice?
NICK
Eunice.
Oh Bridget, save me!
BRIDGET
Why?
NICK
It's Eunice.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN [Knocking on door]

Nick! Coo-eee! Oh, Nick!
NICK
Oh, there she is!
She's too much!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I know you are in there, Nick.
Bridget, Annie, I said no boys.
BRIDGET
Shall I get rid of her, Nick?
NICK
Oh, yes, please! But how?
BRIDGET

I'll think of something. Annie, let Miss Mountain in.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Ah, there you are, Nick. And Hector!
Bridget, I thought I said no boys.
BRIDGET
Yes, you did!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Especially boys from next door.
BRIDGET
Yes, yes, you did!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Especially …
BRIDGET
… Nick, he’s mine!!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oooh!
Well … just wait until I tell my cousin!
Oh, by the way, Hector, I’ve got a fax for you.
HECTOR
Oh? Oh, please, give it to me.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
It's from your father. It says, "Coming to London to meet... the Prime Minister? My jet arrives at
midday. Will phone. Father."
Ooh! Actually, Hector, I think you're more my type.
ANNIE
I, I don't think so, Eunice.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh!
Goodbye.
ANNIE
Oh, and don't slam the... door.
Oop!
So Hector, your father is flying to London in his private jet to meet the Prime Minister?
BRIDGET
Well, they are one of the richest families in Argentina.
NICK
So Bridget, where were we?
BRIDGET
No, Nick.
NICK
Huh?
BRIDGET
The trick worked. Eunice is gone.
HECTOR
Annie, I will buy you a million shelves.

ANNIE
Ooh, well, we better start measuring for them then.
HECTOR
Oh-ho-ho!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Nick dresses up, Bridget is working hard in television and Hector goes for an
audition! EXTRA, don't miss it!

Episode 9
Narrative
NICK
To be or not to be, that is the question. Whe..., oh no!
ANNIE
Why is it so dark in here? What's going on? Nick, what are you doing? The sun is shining outside.
NICK
Oh, hi, Annie.
ANNIE
What are you doing?
NICK
Nothing.
ANNIE
Well, stand up then.
NICK
I can't.
ANNIE
Why not?
NICK
Erm...
ANNIE
Right, I'm coming over.
NICK
... ..... OK.
ANNIE [Laughing]
Oh, nice outfit, Nick!
Bridget, look at this!
BRIDGET
[Laughing]
NICK
Oh, you can laugh, but one day, I will be a great actor. In fact, I might get a part in a Shakespeare
production this week.
BRIDGET
In your dreams!
ANNIE
Did you have a good day at work, Bridget?
BRIDGET
Oh, I'm so tired. Training with the England football team this morning.
Oh, those boys - so cheeky! But they really know what they're talking about.
Episode 9 Jobs for the Boys 1

ANNIE
Football?
BRIDGET
No. Hairstyles and fashion, of course. Anyway, then I had lunch with Kylie Minogue's agent - lovely
man. [Laughs]
So funny! I'm exhausted.
ANNIE
Oh!! Poor Bridget.
BRIDGET
Euch, I must get changed.
ANNIE
Now Bridget's a researcher for Channel Nine, all she talks about is sweet stars. Huh! Bleuhh! It's so
boring.
NICK
Huh? I'll be sweet when I'm famous.
BRIDGET
Where are they? I thought so.
NICK
“To die... to sleep …”
BRIDGET
Nick!
NICK
... ......?
BRIDGET
Are those my tights?
NICK
No. Huh!
BRIDGET
Oh yes they are!
NICK
Oh, these tights. Are they yours, Bridget?
BRIDGET
I'll speak to you later.
Now where's Hector? I have some exciting news for him.
HECTOR
Oh, hi, Bridget.
Hi, sugar-plum!
ANNIE
Hi, snugly-puppykins!
HECTOR
Hey, nice tights, man!
Laughter
BRIDGET
Hector, I have some great news for you. Channel Nine is looking for a television reporter.

NICK
Ah - I could do that!
BRIDGET
Not an English reporter.
A Latin American who speaks English.
HECTOR
But I can't speak English very well.
BRIDGET
Just audition.
ANNIE
Go on, Hector, the camera will love you.
BRIDGET
And so will the girls!
ANNIE
Not all the girls, I hope.
HECTOR
Well, if you think so, then...
BRIDGET
Ah, Hector, with my help, the job is yours.
And my new boss will be very impressed with me.
HECTOR
OK, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Right! Let's do some research.
Annie, we need CNN. Find it. And Nick?
NICK
Yes?
BRIDGET
I want my tights back - now.
NICK
OK.
ANNIE
You want your tights back?
BRIDGET
They are Versace. The remote, please, Annie.
NICK
Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio.
Sound of banging
ANNIE
What's wrong with it?
HECTOR
I don't know. I think it's broken.

BRIDGET
Well, we'll have to go to your place then.
NICK
Ah! There you are.
BRIDGET
Shhh, Nick. We're watching CNN.
We're doing research for Hector's new job!
NICK
Hector's new job? What about my new job?
I need to do research as well.
BRIDGET
Nick!
NICK
There! That's better.
VOICE ON TELEVISION
To be or not to be...
BRIDGET
What's this?
NICK
Hamlet - a tragedy.
ANNIE
What's it about?
NICK
Love. Madness. And murder.
Hamlet's father, the king, is killed by Hamlet's uncle, who then marries Hamlet's mother, so Hamlet
kills his uncle and his mother and then he dies.
BRIDGET
That sounds like my family.
NICK
It's a masterpiece. I'd be great as Hamlet.
BRIDGET
Oh! My tights!
NICK
Oh, Bridget, I had an accident.
BRIDGET
Buy me another pair or you will have an accident!
ANNIE
Accident or murder?!
NICK
OK, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Right, I'm off.
ANNIE
Me too.

HECTOR
Goodnight, sugar-plum.
ANNIE
Night, snuggly-puppykins.
HECTOR
Oh, Nick, I am worried.
NICK
Hector, I know what you mean. When women talk like that, it is time to move on.
HECTOR
No, not Annie.
This television reporter's job. I don't really think I can do it.
NICK
Hector, of course you can. What you need is...
HECTOR
Talent?
NICK
No! You don't need talent. You need Nick's School for Television Reporters.
HECTOR
Nick's School for Television Reporters?
NICK
Yeah! I will teach you to be a television reporter.
HECTOR
OK!
NICK
OK.
Rule number one: imagine you are talking to a beautiful woman.
"Good evening, this is Nick Jessop, reporting from the Houses of Parliament just for you."
Rule number two: be mysterious.
"I am here to tell you the Houses of Parliament may look normal, but all is not as it seems."
Rule number three: make them trust you.
"I can reveal that this building is actually an alien space station. Trust me. Trust Nick Jessop. I will
always tell you the truth. See you later. Goodnight and sleep tight." Do it like that, Hector, and you will
get the job.
HECTOR
"Hi, this is Hector Romero."

‘Chrissy, we need a new TV reporter at Channel Nine and I think Hector will be perfect.’
HECTOR
Well, if you think so.

‘Of course, I will train him.
My new boss will be very impressed.’
HECTOR
OK, Bridget.

‘And this morning, I found Nick wearing my Versace tights.’

NICK
Oh, these tights!

He's a strange boy.
NICK [Composing email]

‘Guess what, Dan! I've discovered Shakespeare. "To die, to sleep ..."
I love it!
And I taught Hector how to be a television reporter.
NICK
Nick’s School for Television Reporters!

I'm sure he'll get the job!
BRIDGET
Did you get my fax? Well, did you get my email? What did Sting say? Will he do the interview?
You won't even ask him? He's never heard of Channel Nine? Oh, please. Please! Please!
Well can I meet him? I can? Where is he? At the airport? I'll be there. Yes!
WOMAN
Hector Romero for you, Bridget.
BRIDGET
No.
Hector, I forgot your audition. Listen, I must go out for one hour. Sting wants to see me!
Don't worry. Just remember everything I've told you. Here's the script, there's the camera. Must dash!
Be back in an hour!
HECTOR
But.., I...
"Hello, this is Hector Romero for Channel Nine."
BRIDGET
What a day!
First Sting had already departed for New York and now this! This! From you, Hector!
HECTOR
Sorry, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Was this Nick's idea?
HECTOR
Erm...
BRIDGET
I thought so.
HECTOR
So, have I got the job?
BRIDGET
What do you think?
Goodbye, Hector. And the new editor will be here soon.
Right! Nick!

NICK [reading text message]

"Nick., I am too angry to speak. Bridget."
NICK
Huh!
Hi, Bridget!
BRIDGET
Nick.
NICK
I thought you were too angry to speak to me.
BRIDGET
Shut up, Nick. How dare you.
NICK
How dare I what?
BRIDGET
Teach Hector to be a news reporter!
NICK
Ah, ahm, sorry, Bridget.
BRIDGET
He was ridiculous. "Hi, sexy, this is Hector Romero." My new editor will be here soon and I wanted to
impress her.
NICK
So will Hector get the job then?
BRIDGET
Of course he won't get the job. You made me look a fool. You.., you and Hector are so stupid!
ANNIE
Who was that?
NICK
Wrong number.
ANNIE
Hey, Nick, look at this. This could be perfect for you.
NICK
What is it?
ANNIE [Reading advert]

"Is Shakespeare in your blood? Could you be our Hamlet?"
NICK
Yeah!
ANNIE
"Do you love performing?"
NICK
Yeah!

ANNIE
"Do you love travelling?"
NICK
Yeah!
ANNIE
"Do people adore you?"
NICK
Naturally!
ANNIE
"Then we need you. Call this number for a Shakespearean experience."
NICK
Wow! Hamlet! My dream!
I'll call now. I must learn my lines. "To be... to be..."
ANNIE
"Or not to be?"
BRIDGET
Aagh!!!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hello, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Eunice, what are you doing here?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Long time no see, Bridget. And how's Nick? Does he miss me?
BRIDGET
No. Er, yes.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh! You have a new hairstyle.
BRIDGET
Yeah. So have you.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Yes, but the difference is, mine looks good.
BRIDGET
Yes.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Anyway, Bridget, I am your new editor.
Surprised?
BRIDGET
No, no, no.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Good. OK.
Two rules. One: I am your editor and I am always right. Two: you are the researcher, you are always
wrong.
OK?

BRIDGET
OK.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
OK.
Now what have you got for me today?
BRIDGET
Well, Sting would love to come for an interview, but...
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
… But he's not coming.
BRIDGET
No.
But we need a new reporter and... and... and I have found you the most perfect person.
He's Latin American, speaks English and he's very sexy. Watch this. I know you'll love him.
HECTOR
"Hi, sexy. This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine. Wow, you look beautiful today.
Guess what? There's been a diamond robbery in London.
I would love to put diamonds on those pretty ears. But you, yes, you can sleep safely in your bed
tonight.
This is Hector Romero. I'll be back."
BRIDGET
Well?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Of course! Hector!
Oh, he is perfect!

‘What a day! Hector's audition was a disaster.’
HECTOR
"Hello, this is Hector Romero for Channel Nine."
BRIDGET
‘Guess who interfered? Nick!’
BRIDGET
Right, Nick!

‘And worse still, guess who is my new boss?
Eunice Mountain!’
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I am your new editor.

‘But the good news is, she loved Hector.’
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, he is perfect!

‘We’ve found a perfect role for Nick. Hamlet, by William Shakespeare.’
NICK

My dream!

‘He's very excited!’
ANNIE
Oh, don't worry, Hector, my little puppykins. I'm sure you would have been a very good reporter.
HECTOR
But Bridget is angry with me.
ANNIE
Huh! Don't worry about Bridget.
NICK
Guess what? I've got the job.
ANNIE
Hamlet?
HECTOR
Shakespeare? Congratulations, man!
ANNIE
Oh, great! When do you start?
NICK
Tonight. I've got the costume already. I think I will go and wash my motorbike.
HECTOR
You haven't got a motorbike.
NICK
I have now.
BRIDGET
Hi, everyone!
Hector, you have a visitor - my new editor! Eunice, do you remember Hector?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hmm.
How could I forget? And of course Nick! I could never forget you!
BRIDGET
I thought you had a motorbike to wash?
NICK
Thank you.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hector, I just popped in to say congratulations. You've got the job! Isn't it wonderful?
BRIDGET
Eunice really liked your tape.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, you are perfect, Hector.
BRIDGET
Hector will have such fun.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I'm off. Oh, see you at 8 o'clock sharp tomorrow morning, Hector. Hmm! Oh, hmm!

BRIDGET
There's no need to thank me, Hector.
ANNIE
Oh, I think I’ve got something in my eye.
Well, it was nice while it lasted, but now, Annie, it is time to say goodbye to Hector.
He is going to be a famous news reporter, so there'll be no room for little old you.
HECTOR
It's OK, Annie.
Whatever happens, we will always be together.
ANNIE
But you'll forget me when you're a famous news reporter.
HECTOR
However many stories I report - murders, bank robberies, small cats in trees - I shall never forget you.
You, light of my life. "This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine, London."
ANNIE
Oh, Hector!
HECTOR
Oh, Annie!
BRIDGET
Oh no.
Nick?
NICK
Yes?
No! Ohh...
"To eat or not to eat. That is the question." Hamlet's burgers - eat them without question.
Sound of laughter
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Annie wants to save the animals, Bridget has a date with Leonardo di Caprio,
and what is in Nick's box?
NICK
That's nice.

Episode 10
Narrative
Sound of banging on door
NICK
Ah! What? Huh?
ANNIE
Nick!
NICK
Who is it?
ANNIE
It’s me, Annie.
NICK
Oh.
ANNIE
And this is Ziggy.
Is Hector there?
NICK
No, he's working tonight.
ANNIE
Then you must help us, Nick.
NICK
Huh?
ANNIE
Take these. They are my babies, so look after them, please!
NICK
Yeah, sure, no problem.
ANNIE
Right. Ready, Ziggy? Come on, let's go. Hurry!
ANNIE
Yes, three o'clock.
Tell the others.
Bye!
BRIDGET
"Animals are Human"? Annie. Animals are animals.
ANNIE
But animals are like people.
BRIDGET
Oh really, Annie? Look at this flat. How can I get ready?
ANNIE
Sorry, Bridget.
Episode 10 Annie’s Protest 1

BRIDGET
I have a very important day today.
ANNIE
Sorry.
BRIDGET
I have big, big decisions to make. Like which dress.
What do you think?
ANNIE
Well, they're both nice.
BRIDGET
I have such a busy morning. David Beckham, Madonna.
ANNIE
What?! You're meeting them?
BRIDGET
No, I'm reading about them, and then I'm having lunch - with guess who?
ANNIE
Oh, er...
BRIDGET
Yes! You've guessed it! Leonardo Di Caprio! Leonardo and me! Oooh!
ANNIE
Wow! Leonardo Di Caprio? Just you, and him?
BRIDGET
Well, nearly. There'll be 45 journalists there too, but really it's just me and gorgeous Leo!
ANNIE
You and 45 others. I see. Anyway, this cosmetic factory experiments on animals for make-up and I
really feel...,
BRIDGET
Oh good, Hector, you're here. Now you can help me choose.
ANNIE
Oh, you're back, Hector. Was it a difficult night at work, snuggly-puppykins?
HECTOR
Yes, and the bad news is that Eunice wants me to go straight back.
ANNIE
Why?
HECTOR
There is a big news story happening today.
BRIDGET
So Hector, which dress do you like best?
HECTOR
This one.
BRIDGET
You're sure?

HECTOR
OK, that one.
BRIDGET
But you just said this one first.
HECTOR
Yes, I know, but Bridget, I am going to Channel Nine now. Are you coming?
BRIDGET
Yes, Hector.
And I can tell you all about Leonardo and me!
ANNIE
The guinea pigs! Nick!
Sound of snoring
ANNIE
Good, they're OK.
Sound of snoring
ANNIE
I'm coming!
Oh, Ziggy! Come in. Right, now, there are the posters. Now, a note for Nick. Ready, Ziggy? Bye,
Charlie. Wish us luck!
Oh! Wait a minute, Ziggy.
OK, right, let's go.

Today is a very important day!
It is protest day.
ANNIE
Wish us luck!

And don't tell anyone I've stolen some guinea pigs.
ANNIE [Making phone call]

Yes, 3 o'clock. Tell the others. Bye!
BRIDGET
I'm having lunch with Leonardo Di Caprio today! Leonardo and me - oooh!
BRIDGET
Leonardo and me – oooh!!
ANNIE
Wow!
Leonardo Di Caprio!
BRIDGET
But I can't get ready!
Annie and her hippie friends are getting ready to protest at some cosmetic factory - ha!
Doesn't she understand how important today is for me?!
BRIDGET
I have big, big decisions to make.
Which dress?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Ah, Hector. At last. I want you to go straight to Garrier's Cosmetic Factory.
HECTOR
Why?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Because some horrid hippies are protesting there.
HECTOR
Why?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Because they think Mr Garrier experiment on guinea pigs for make-up - ha! This is nonsense.
HECTOR
Guinea pigs?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hmm, you know, guinea pigs. Eee-eee-eee!
HECTOR
Oh! Guinea pigs! Oh, how sweet.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
And these hippies have stolen his guinea pigs.
HECTOR
Oh.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Poor Mr Garrier adores his little guinea pigs.
HECTOR
Oh.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
He wants them back. He told me over dinner last night.
HECTOR
Who is Mr Garrier?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Mr Garrier owns Channel Nine. And Mr Garrier has said we must make these protesters look very,
very stupid. Now get going!
HECTOR
Oh, oh, OK, Eunice. Oh...
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I want their heads!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh-oh!
BRIDGET
Eunice?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Yes, Bridget?
BRIDGET
Is there anything I can do?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, yes. I have a very important job for you. Get me a coffee. Black, no sugar.
NICK
Oh, no, no, Bridget. I can't! I'm a married man!
[Sound of telephone ringing]
Huh? Oh! What? Crazy, man! Guinea pigs!
ANNIE
They are my babies, so look after them, please!
NICK
Yeah, sure, no problem. Oh, yeah. Annie. Annie! Huh! OK, my little beauties. Time for breakfast.
Come on! "Nick, very important. Keep my babies safe. I will call you. Annie."
Huh! Does she think I'm stupid? Of course you're safe with me. Ha-ha! Now, let me introduce myself.
My name is Nick. Yeah, hello there.
Now, what's your name? Hmm, Kevin? How do you do, Kevin? And who's this? Janice? Is she your
girlfriend, Kevin? OK, it's not that funny. Janice, I think you're very pretty, OK?
So! These are all your friends. Wow! There are 8 of you. You must be hungry. Shall Uncle Nick get
you something nice to eat, eh? OK. Ooh! Have they split up?
Hollywood's most beautiful couple. Hmm! Oh, yes! Yes!
CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!
HECTOR
.... ... .... I cannot hear you!
CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I said, "Find the leader".
HECTOR
The what?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
The coordinator.
HECTOR
Which one?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Her! Her! That one!
The one with the big ears!
CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!
HECTOR
Hello.
ANNIE
Hello.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
This isn't a tea party. Ask her a question.
HECTOR
OK.
So how important is this protest?

CROWD
ANNIE
Well, well, yes, it's very important, because this factory – Garrier's - experiments on animals for make-
up.
HECTOR
And why is that bad?
CROWD
ANNIE
Because.., oh, because the poor animals are suffering.
CROWD
HECTOR
Oh, that's dreadful.
The poor things.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Ohhhhh! Oh, poor little things.
They're just guinea pigs! Ohhhhh!
Hector, remember who Mr Garrier is? You do want your job.
CROWD
HECTOR
OK, so do you think this march will help the animals?
NICK
Hey! It's Hector and Annie.
ANNIE
This march is....
NICK
Wow, man!
ANNIE
We must stop Mr Garrier!
HECTOR
I see.
ANNIE
These scientists are using poor animals to test on hair dye, lipstick, mascara, blusher. They use...
CROWD
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Well, tell her. Tell her we need make-up! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And where are the 8 guinea pigs they
stole from the laboratory?
I bet she knows. Ask her!
CROWD

HECTOR
OK. And do you know anything about some stolen guinea pigs?
ANNIE
The guinea pigs are safe.
NICK
Oh yeah, they're safe with me, aren't you, my pretty ones.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I bet she's got those guinea pigs! Ask her! Ask her!
HECTOR
OK! Have you....
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Louder, ... ... ...
HECTOR
Have you got.....
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
We've got her! Ask her again! Ask her again!
HECTOR
Have you got the guinea pigs?
ANNIE
Hector, why are you doing this? You know I love animals.
HECTOR
I'm sorry, Annie.
It's my job.
ANNIE
Well, you can keep your job!
HECTOR
Annie, please! Wait, I'm coming!
CROWD
HECTOR
"This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine news."
Annie, please! I can explain! Wait!

Hey, Dan, last night Annie gave me a box - and guess what was in that box?
Guinea pigs!
NICK
OK, my little beauties.

Ha! Of course they're safe with me.
NICK
They’re safe with me, aren’t you, my pretty ones.

We were protesting outside Garrier's factory and I saw Hector reporting for Channel Nine.
I thought, ‘Great, a sympathetic interview!’
Huh! His questions were so unfair!
HECTOR
"Have you got the guinea pigs?"
ANNIE
"Hector, why are you doing this?"

How could he?!
HECTOR
"This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine news." Annie, please! I can explain!
Wait!
BRIDGET
Bridget Di Caprio! Mrs Leonardo Di Caprio! Leonardo and Bridget Di Caprio! "Hello, Mrs Di Caprio!"
"Oh, call me Bridget." "Is Leonardo there?" "No. He's on the beach with our two beautiful children and
the dogs." Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
So aren't you going to ask me about my lunch?"
Sound of water sprayer
NICK
Oi! What did you do that for?
BRIDGET
Aren't you going to ask me about my lunch?
NICK
What lunch?
BRIDGET
My lunch with Leonardo!
NICK
Leonardo who?
BRIDGET
Leonardo Di Caprio, of course.
NICK
So Bridget, how was your lunch with Leonardo Di Caprio?
BRIDGET
Gorgeous!
I was so funny. He loved me, he loved my dress, he loved my name.
NICK
That's nice.
BRIDGET
Now close your eyes. Go on, close your eyes. Ready?
NICK
Ah...
BRIDGET
Ta-daaa! What do you think?

NICK
Very nice.
BRIDGET
It was very expensive, but it's worth it, because tonight, I'm going to a premiere. Oh, I can't wait! I
wonder if Leonardo will be there?
Now I must get ready. Tonight, this little lady's going to shine! Tonight, this little lady's going to shine!
HECTOR
Annie, I can explain.
Listen. Annie, please talk to me.
NICK
Hey, guys. Gre-at interview!
ANNIE
You were not fair, Hector.
You were asking awful questions.
NICK
Yeah, they were pretty bad.
HECTOR
It wasn't me. It was Eunice.
ANNIE
Huh!
HECTOR
Hmm!
ANNIE
Oh, the guinea pigs!
Nick, where are they? I must take them to the animal sanctuary.
NICK
We've been having a lovely time, haven't we, my friends! Huh! Hello!
They're not here.
ANNIE
What do you mean, they're not here?
NICK
I mean, they're not here.
ANNIE
So where are they, Nick? Oh!
Squeaking noises
NICK
Everywhere?
ANNIE
Ooooh!

HECTOR
I'll get it.
Hello? Oh, hi, Eunice. Huh?
Yes, Eunice. Ho-ho, OK, Eunice.
No, Eunice.
OK, Eunice.
Bye, Eunice.
It was Eunice!
ANNIE
No.
HECTOR
And after what happened today, she says that I...
ANNIE
Oh, Hector! Your job!
She's fired you!
Oh, I'm so sorry, Hector. It's all my fault.
HECTOR
She says that I must tell you that she is so pleased with the interview, she wants Channel Nine to
fight against animal cruelty!
ANNIE
Ohhh!
HECTOR
Channel Nine's new motto is: "Animals are Human"!
ANNIE
Ohhhh! That's fantastic news!
Oh, good old Eunice.
Oh! What about Mr Garrier?
HECTOR
Oh, she said don't worry about Mr Garrier.
ANNIE
Ohhhh!
NICK
... .... errghhh!
ANNIE
Right, let's find those guinea pigs.
NICK
Yes, right away!
ANNIE
Right, we found seven of them.
There's just one guinea pig still missing.
NICK
He's probably watching us.
HECTOR
Yeah, and laughing at us.

Sound of intercom buzzer
HECTOR
Hello? OK, right.
Bridget! Your taxi's here.
BRIDGET
I'm coming.
New girlfriend, Nick?
Right, everyone, I'm just off to my premiere!
Did I mention it? Proper acting. Perhaps you could learn something, Nick.
Oops! Sorry, no spare ticket. Still, I'll tell you all about it later. Bye! Don't wait up!
Laughter
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, the friends go on holiday to Spain, Bridget finds her prince and Nick finds his
princess. EXTRA, don't miss it.

Episode 11
Narrative
NICK [reading questionnaire in magazine]

Who would be your ideal holiday romance?
A] J-Lo, B] Cameron Diaz, or C] Kylie?
Yeah, mmm, difficult to choose. Huh. All three!
Ha! Ha!
What do you like most about girls on holiday:?
NICK
A] Their suntans? Yeah, OK. B] Their bikinis? Oh cor, yeah! C] Their …
ANNIE
Ironing skills?
NICK
Where do you meet girls on holiday?
A] On the beach? B] In the bar? C] On the ski slope?
Hah, on the beach, yeah, I meet lots of lovely girls on the beach, cor!
ASSORTED VOICES IN BACKGROUND

… Nick, Nick, Nick …
ANNIE
… Nick, Nick, Ni-ck …
NICK
Bah! Ah!
ANNIE
Nick, I am fed up!
I need a holiday!
We all need a holiday!
NICK
Yeah, I know what you mean!
I’m exhausted!
[Sound of Nick blowing his nose]
HECTOR [Presenting TV Travel Programme]

So – it is holiday time again and everyone is off to the airport.
NICK
Agh!
ANNIE
Oh, hello Hector.
Episode 11 Holiday Time

1
HECTOR
They are travelling to Florida, Thailand, Egypt – and Belgium? Are you sure?!
And Belgium.
Travelling by plane, by train, and by car.
Well, maybe not by car!
This is Hector Romero, for Channel 9.
ANNIE
Oh!
Ooops! Ooh! Bridget will be furious!
NICK
[Laughing]
ANNIE
Still, maybe a new fashion!
BRIDGET
Yeah! Yes! Can he do the interview on Thursday?
No, well what about Friday? [Sound of telephone ringing] Oh, hang on.
Hello – she wants 22 dressing rooms?! Four for Lourdes and her nannies! But we’ve only got two!
Hello?
Oh, for goodness sake!
Huh! Who wants Madonna anyway?!
Hello, are you still there? [Sound of telephone ringing]
Hello, what?!
Oh, hello Eunice.
Yes, David Beckham is booked and so is Princess Caroline of Monaco. No, Madonna is not
coming.
Yes, OK, Eunice, I will – ah-ah, I will, today. Bye Eunice.
What did your last slave die of?!
What I need, what I really need is a holiday.
Sound of assorted telephones ringing
BRIDGET
Oh-oh.
NICK
Go on, type New York.
ANNIE
Gatwick.
NICK
Number of nights, 3.
ANNIE
3.
OK, let’s see what they can do.
One thousand pounds?!
Oh, but that’s much too expensive – we, we must choose a different destination.
NICK
Yeah, how about Las Vegas, hah!

2
ANNIE
But that would cost even more, don’t be silly, Nick.
BRIDGET
What?
Is Nick being silly? I don’t believe it!
Oh, I’m so tired!
ANNIE
Oh Hector, I saw your holiday report.
HECTOR
Oh, I have just spent all day watching other people go on holidays.
BRIDGET
Oh, I can’t go on! Eunice is a witch.
She makes me work, work, work.
NICK
Why don’t you leave then?
HECTOR
Yeah.
BRIDGET
What? Leave my job?
I love my job!
NICK
Huh! Women!
ANNIE
What you need – what we all need is a …
NICK
Holiday!
BRIDGET
Mmm, a holiday!
HECTOR
Gre-at idea! Where shall we go?
NICK
Oh, I’d love to go to Las Vegas!
ANNIE
Cape Town!
BRIDGET
I’d like to go anywhere with Enrique Iglesias!
ANNIE
Hey!
What about Spain!

3
NICK
You speak Spanish!
You can be our guide! Hah!
HECTOR
We-ll …
BRIDGET
Enrique Iglesias speaks Spanish!
NICK
And the girls … Hmm! I can’t wait!
Hey Hector, you can translate my chat up lines!
HECTOR
Well, I’ll try!
NICK
And we can try them out! Ha ha!
HECTOR
Yeah!
ANNIE
Hector! There’s your ironing!
Laughter
ANNIE
Nick!
BRIDGET
There’s yours!

I’m exhausted. I need a holiday.
ANNIE
I need a holiday!
We all need a holiday!
HECTOR
Where shall we go?

And guess what?
We’re going to Spain.
ANNIE
I can’t wait!
NICK
Now’s the chance to try my chat up lines on Spanish girls. Ha, ha!
NICK
And the girls! Ha-ha-hmm, I can’t wait!

4
NICK
They won’t be able to resist me!
NICK
OK, I see a pretty Spanish girl …
HECTOR
… Hmm.
NICK
… How do I say, “I’m English, can you give me directions – to your apartment?” [Makes clucking
noise]
HECTOR
Really?
NICK
Yeah.
HECTOR
OK. [Clears throat]
“Hola soy inglés… …”
NICK
“Hola soy inglés… …”
HECTOR
“… ¿Me puedes dar … “
NICK
“… ¿Me puedes dar …”
HECTOR
“… La dirección de tu piso?”
NICK
“… La dirección de tu piso?”
HECTOR
Good, but this one is better.
“Your eyes are like stars – they come out at night.”
NICK
Oh, I like it!
How do I say it in Spanish?
Laughter
HECTOR
[Clears throat]
“Tus ojos …”
NICK
“Tus ojos …”

5
HECTOR
“Tus ojos …”
NICK
That’s what I said.
HECTOR
OK!
“Tus ojos son como estrellas …”
NICK
“Tus ojos son como estrellas …”
HECTOR
“… Salen por la noche …”
NICK
“… Salen por la noche …”
NICK
Eh! Ha, ha!
Now, this one always works. “I know what you’re thinking. You want to kiss me, don’t you.”
HECTOR
No, I don’t.
NICK
Not you!
It’s the chat up line, stupid!
BRIDGET
Hector, are you there?
HECTOR
Yeah.
BRIDGET
Could you give me a hand with my luggage?
HECTOR
Sure.
Ay?!!
All of it?!!
BRIDGET
Yes, all of it, please, Hector.
BRIDGET
Over here, Hector, I must do a final check.
ANNIE
Gracious, Bridget, what have you got in there?
BRIDGET
Six tee shirts, three pairs of jeans, four pairs of trousers, ten bikinis, four sarongs, two skirts, two
nightdresses, three pairs of trainers, two pairs of evening shoes, three toothbrushes, two toilet
bags, five belts, two jackets, two cans of hair mousse and a ball gown.

6
ANNIE
But, we’re only going for three days.
BRIDGET
You never can be sure what event we’ll be asked to go to – parties, balls, the opera, theatre …
ANNIE
… Oh yeah – it won’t happen!
BRIDGET
When Bridget arrives in Spain, we’ll be invited everywhere. They just won’t be able to resist!
NICK
What won’t they be able to resist?
BRIDGET
What are you wearing?
NICK
I am a toreador!
HECTOR
Oh! Oh! Olé!!
NICK
Whose is this?!
ANNIE
Bridget’s.
NICK
You are taking all that?!
BRIDGET
Yeah, why?
NICK
Oh Bridget, Bridget, Bridget – all you need to travel is your passport, your tickets and your
money, ha-ha!
Sound of car horn hooting in background
ANNIE
That will be the taxi!
NICK
Ha-ha!
HECTOR
Let’s go!
BRIDGET
Come on, boys, give me a hand with my luggage!

7
Sound of door being slammed
ANNIE
Gatwick airport please.
Sound of screeching car brakes/footsteps on stairs/door being opened/closed/receding

footsteps
HECTOR, BRIDGET & ANNIE

All you need to travel is your passport, your ticket and your money, Nick.
NICK
Yeah, yeah, very funny!
Laughter
ANNIE
Wow, look at this!
It’s so Spanish!
HECTOR
Yep!
Typical Spanish hospitality.
And this is a typical happy Spanish waitress.
ANNIE
Hello!
Erm, we are from England.
And we would like a drink, please.
HECTOR
Girls, girls, girls, leave it to me.
I must translate for you. [Clears throat]
“Queremos beber algo en este bar típicamente español!”
NICK
Hang on.
I’ll talk to the lady.
“Hola soy inglés. ¿Me puedes dar la dirección de tu piso?”
ANNIE
Oh, she doesn’t look very happy.
BRIDGET
No, she looks a mess!
ANNIE
Perhaps her boyfriend has left her.
NICK
Yeah- because she looks a mess! [Laughs]
BRIDGET
Maybe he didn’t like her hair.
Laughter

8
WAITRESS
Well actually, he did like my hair and at least mine is natural!
BRIDGET
Ah, she understood!
ANNIE
She’s English!
WAITRESS
How did you guess?!
NICK
So, is this a traditional Spanish bar?
WAITRESS
This - is a traditional – da – English Tea Room.
HECTOR
In Barcelona?
WAITRESS
Ooh, aren’t you clever!
NICK
Leave it to me.
Please CAN WE – HAVE A DRINK?!!
WAITRESS
No!!
BRIDGET
Why not?!
WAITRESS
There are no tables.
BRIDGET
But what about this one?
WAITRESS
No.
ANNIE
Erm, or that one?
WAITRESS
No.
HECTOR
What about this one here?
WAITRESS
It’s reserved.
HECTOR
Never mind, let’s, let’s go.

9
WAITRESS
But erm, if you’ve reserved the table, you can come in.
ANNIE
Oh.
HECTOR
OK. [Clears throat]
Can we please reserve a table?
WAITRESS
Certainly … erm, oh yes, I, I can just fit you in – that table there.

So here we are in Spain.
I think I’ve brought enough clothes for all events.
BRIDGET
You never can be sure what event we’ll be asked to go to.

Spain is beautiful.
ANNIE
Wow, look at this! It’s so Spanish!

We thought we’d found a typical Spanish bar.
BRIDGET
She understood!

But it is a typical English tea room.
WAITRESS
Ooh yes, I, I can just fit you in – that table there.
WAITRESS
Right, what would you like to drink?
NICK
Cola, please.
ANNIE
Me too.
BRIDGET
And me.
HECTOR
In Spain, do as the English do.
I will have a nice cup of tea, please.
WAITRESS
Which tea?

10
HECTOR
Huh?
What have you got?
WAITRESS
We’ve got Darjeeling, Kenyan, English Breakfast, Earl Grey, Lady Grey, Camomile, Peppermint,
Jasmine, Imperial, Oolong, Indian, Green and Yellow - tea.
HECTOR
I’ll have a cola please.
WAITRESS
Anything to eat?
NICK
Erm, yes please.
What have you got?
WAITRESS
Egg and chips, sausage and chips, fish and chips, cheese and chips, pie and chips and chicken
and …
HECTOR, BRIDGET, ANNIE & NICK

… Chips!!
WAITRESS
… Chicken and croquette potatoes.
NICK
So, we can have anything with chips.
WAITRESS
Apart from chicken – or – I have cake.
Gatox.
HECTOR
Gatox?
ANNIE
I think she means gateaux.
NICK, HECTOR, BRIDGET & ANNIE

Gatox please.
HECTOR
Spanish girls are beautiful!
NICK
Gre-at!
And French girls!
HECTOR
Really?!
BRIDGET
I don’t believe it.

11
ANNIE
What?
BRIDGET
Over there – over there!
ANNIE
Yeah?
BRIDGET
It’s him!!
ANNIE
Who?
BRIDGET
Enrique!
ANNIE
Enrique? Qué?
BRIDGET
Not Enrique- qué, Enrique Iglesias!
ANNIE
No!
Are you sure?
It can’t be!!
BRIDGET
This is Spain.
Well he’s from Spain!
ANNIE
Well?!
BRIDGET
I must go and talk to him!
Hair [check] lipstick [check] top – [check]. Right.
Here I go!
NICK
Where’s Bridget going?
ANNIE
Enrique Iglesias is sitting over there at that table!
HECTOR
No!!
BRIDGET
Enrique!
HECTOR
That is not Enrique Iglesias!
NICK
No way!

12
ANNIE
Oh, poor Bridget!
Still, he is quite good looking!
NICK
Hah!
Latin men are different to English men.
They are not sensitive, gentle, romantic and – sophisticated like me.
Crashing noise
WAITRESS
Gatox!
HECTOR
I think the waitress fancies you, Nick!
Go on, try one of your chat up lines on her!
NICK
Ha! She’s not my type!
ANNIE
So what is your type, Nick?
NICK
… Erm?
HECTOR
She’s coming back!
Go on, go on!
NICK
Which one, which one, I’ve forgotten them all!
HECTOR
Use my one, stars, stars.
NICK
OK, OK, I remember. [Clears throat].
“Your teeth are like stars – they come out at night.”
Annie and Hector laugh
NICK
It’s obvious – she’s crazy about me!
BRIDGET
I’ve got a date with him, I’ve got a date with him!
NICK
Who?
Mr Iglesias?

13
BRIDGET
Oh, don’t be silly!
Of course it’s not Enrique Iglesias!
I’m not that stupid! [Makes snorting noise]
It’s Miguel – and tonight we’re going clubbing!
HECTOR
Great!
NICK
Where are we going?
BRIDGET
No, not you, Miguel and me.
ANNIE
Oh no, Bridget, we must be your chaperones!
HECTOR
Yeah, you will not even notice us!
BRIDGET
Well, oh all right then!
NICK
Oh, all those Spanish girls – clubbing!
WAITRESS
Clubbing!
Let’s boo-oo-gie, baby!
I’ll show you how it’s done!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA - England play Argentina in the World Cup.
Nick gets a phone call and Bridget has a bad hair day.

14
Episode 12
Narrative
NICK
Nearly ready. Oh, there we are! Oh, perfect! Now - the living room! Oh, there! Just there! Oh, yeah,
perfect, baby! Now, refreshments!
Ha-haa! Cola - yes! Crisps - yes! And finally, mwah! Dial-A-Pizza - yes! Ohh! Only two hours to go!
BRIDGET
Nick!
What is your television doing in my bathroom?
NICK
Oh, hi Bridget. So I don't miss anything.
BRIDGET
Miss anything?
NICK
Yeah, if I have to, you know, when the match is on.
BRIDGET
Oh, the match. So who's playing today?
NICK
It's the semi-finals. England...
BRIDGET
Versus...?
HECTOR
Ar-gen-tina!
NICK
Hey, Hector, great outfit - but wrong team! Ha-haaa!
HECTOR & NICK

Oooohhhh!
NICK
And I've got my lucky World Cup pants on. Ooh-ooh-ooohhh!
BRIDGET
Your lucky World Cup pants?
NICK
Yup. I don't change them when the World Cup is on.
BRIDGET
But it lasts for weeks.
NICK
Yeah!
So, Hector, I've got the refreshments ready - Cola, crisps...
Episode 12 Football Crazy

1
BRIDGET
TV in the bathroom.
HECTOR
At what time is kick-off?
NICK
Midday.
HECTOR
Oh, we had better sit down then!
ANNIE
Hello, everyone. Charlie and I are ready for the match.
HECTOR
Oh, Annie, you look nice!
BRIDGET
Your ribbons are different.
ANNIE
That's right. One for England and one for Argentina.
HECTOR
Oh, how sweet.
NICK
But of course England will win.
HECTOR
I don't think so, Nick.
NICK
We beat Jamaica 4-2.
HECTOR
But we beat Italy 3-0.
NICK
Well, our strikers are the best in the world.
HECTOR
But your defence is poor.
NICK
No, it's not.
HECTOR
Yes, it is.
NICK
It's not! It's not! It's not!
HECTOR
It is! It is! It is!
ANNIE
Break!
And now make friends.

2
BRIDGET
Oh, you're so childish. Miguel arrives today. At least he's a real man.
NICK
Yeah, but he loves football too. [Sound of telephone ringing] … A Spanish supporter.
BRIDGET
Hello?
NICK
We'll beat them, in the final.
BRIDGET
Nick, for you. Your agent.
NICK
Ooh, goodie! Hi, Cameron. How are you? Good.
An audition? For me? Hey-hey! What for? London On Fire? The soap? Yessss! When? Today? At
midday? Where? Birmingham? But that's 100 miles away! No, of course I'm pleased!
OK, thank you! Bye!
ANNIE
An audition for London On Fire? That's brilliant!
HECTOR
Yeah, you must be pleased, man.
NICK
Yes, I am.
I am very, very pleased.
I am so happy.
HECTOR
I can see that.
NICK
Why today? Why this afternoon? Why in Birmingham? What about the football?
BRIDGET
Oh, it's only a football game.
NICK
Bridget, there are some people who think that football is a matter of life and death. It isn't. It is much-
more important-than-that!
BRIDGET
Don't go to the audition then.
NICK
Don't go? Don't go? I must go. Drama is my life.
ANNIE
Look, Nick, we can record it for you.
HECTOR
Yeah, and we won't tell you the score.
NICK
Really? You won't tell me the score. You promise?

3
ANNIE
Promise.
HECTOR
Promise.
BRIDGET
OK, promise.
NICK
OK! I will go - and perform for England!

World Cup! World Cup! World Cup!
Today England play Argentina.
NICK
But of course England will win.

Do I care?
HECTOR & NICK

Ooooooohhhhh!

The good news is: I have an audition for London On Fire. I am so happy.
NICK
Yesss!

The bad news is: it's in Birmingham this afternoon, so I won't see the semi-final! What a tragedy!
NICK
I am so happy! [Sobbing noises]
BRIDGET
I don't believe it. It's a very, very bad hair day. Oh, and Miguel is arriving this evening.
It's a disaster.
Ohhh! It's a catastrophe.
I said, it's a catastrophe.
HECTOR
What is a catastrophe?
ANNIE
Bridget's hair.
HECTOR
Oh.
BRIDGET
Got to do something.
I know - Carol! She'll help me.
VOICE ON TELEVISION
...we've got all the action coming up.

4
BRIDGET
Hello? Carol? Bridget here. Look, this is an emergency. I need a hair appointment. I need a style that
a Spanish football fan will adore.
You can? Oh, goodie.
I'll see you at 5 o'clock.
Sorted!
VOICE ON TELEVISION
...this semi-final we're seeing the two giants of football, England and Argentina...
BRIDGET
Come on, England!
HECTOR
Come on, Argentina!
VOICE ON TELEVISION
...but that strong team. England ... ... ... I think ... ... score! Yes! It looks like it - aww! Oh! Now,
Argentina, have they got ... ... .. They're looking dangerous! They've got through the defence and, and
they score! Come on, England. They've got to pull themselves together. And who's this? Look at him.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... match and England have ... ... ... and yes! ... ... ...! ... ... ...
BRIDGET
Wow! What a game!
ANNIE
Yeah, it was fantastic!
Oh, poor Hector.
Argentina did very well against England.
BRIDGET
Yeah, but not well enough!
ANNIE
Ooh, we must not look too happy.
We promised Nick not to tell him the score and Hector, you must not look too sad.
Come on, try to smile. Come on, snuggly-puppykins. Like this. Hmm, it'll do.
Sound of door opening
ANNIE
Oh, hi Nick.
NICK
Hello.
BRIDGET
Hi, Nick.
NICK
Good match?
ANNIE
You know, so-so.
BRIDGET
Yeah.
NICK
Where's the tape?

5
BRIDGET
Hector's got it.
NICK
Where's Hector?
BRIDGET
In your apartment.
NICK
Oh. Bye then.
BRIDGET and ANNIE

Bye.
ANNIE and BRIDGET

[Laughing/sound of handclapping]
NICK
Hi, Hector.
HECTOR
Nick, my friend, you are back.
NICK
Is this is the football match?
HECTOR
Yup.
What?
NICK
You won, didn't you.
HECTOR
Won what?
NICK
The football. Argentina beat England, didn't they.
HECTOR
Nick, I promised you I wouldn't say anything.
NICK
But I know. You're so happy.
HECTOR
No, I'm not.
NICK
I knew it! I knew it!
Oh, poor England, my country. Oh.
HECTOR
Nick, you can watch the match on video.
NICK
Oh, I can't bear it. How, Hector, how could you? How could Argentina beat England? Ohh!

6
HECTOR
Nick, just watch the tape.
BRIDGET
Oh, I can't wait to see Miguel! I'm going to the hairdresser's to get my hair done for gorgeous Miguel.
Bye!

HECTOR
Hello?
MIGUEL
Hola, Hector, soy Miguel ¡de Barcelona!
HECTOR
Hola, Miguel, soy Hector ¡de Argentina! O Bridget acaba de salir.
MIGUEL
No, quiero hablar contigo. Necesito aprender inglés para Bridget.
HECTOR
OK, repeat after me - repita conmigo: “Bridget, you are so beautiful.”
MIGUEL
"Bridget, you are so beautiful."
HECTOR
"Bridget, I love your hair."
MIGUEL
"Bridget, I love your hair."
HECTOR
"And your smile."
MIGUEL
"And your smile."
Hector, muchas gracias!
HECTOR
No problem, Miguel. See you later.
ANNIE
Hector and Bridget! How could they?

I love football, especially our gorgeous English players. But I am sorry for Hector, because England
beat Argentina.
ANNIE
Argentina did very well against England.
BRIDGET

Well, only a little bit sorry!

Bridget is having a bad hair today and she is worried because Miguel is arriving this evening.

7
BRIDGET
This is an emergency. I need a hair appointment. I need a style that a Spanish football fan will adore.

But then I heard Hector talking to Bridget on the phone. He said she was beautiful.
HECTOR
"Bridget, you are so beautiful."

I don't understand.
Crashing and banging noises
HECTOR
Annie. An-nie?
ANNIE
Yes, Hector?
HECTOR
Are you all right?
ANNIE
Yes.
HECTOR
Are you cross about something?
ANNIE
Oh, why do you think that?
HECTOR
Oh, Annie, come and sit down.
NICK [Watching football match]

Aagh/ooh/yes!!!
HECTOR
Annie, have I done something wrong?
NICK [Watching football match]

... ... ... Yessss! Wooohh! ... ... ...
HECTOR
Well, if you don't tell me, I won't know.
ANNIE
Oh, you know Hector.
You know!
NICK
Yessss! Yesssss! Yessss! We won! We won! We're in the final!
Sorry, have I missed something?
ANNIE
Bridget?
Bridget, what's wrong? Why have you got a bag on your head?
BRIDGET
Ohhh, ohhh!

8
ANNIE
Come on, let's take it off.
BRIDGET
Leave it!
ANNIE
Is it your hair?
Well, but it can't be that bad.
BRIDGET
It is!
ANNIE
Oh, come on.
BRIDGET
Do you promise not to laugh?
ANNIE
We promise. Don't we.
BRIDGET
All right then, here goes.
ANNIE
It's very... nice.
Sound of laughter
BRIDGET
I knew it. I knew you'd laugh. Oh, it's a disaster. And Miguel will be here any moment.
Sound of door being knocked
BRIDGET
Ahhh! That’s him! Oh! He mustn’t see me like this!
ANNIE
Miguel? Oh, come in! I'll just tell Bridget. Pssstt, Bridget! Miguel's here.
BRIDGET
I don't want to see him. I can't.
ANNIE
Trust me, Bridget, he will love your hair.
BRIDGET
Miguel!
MIGUEL
Bridget, you are so beautiful. I love your hair, and your smile.
BRIDGET
I love your hair.
MIGUEL
So, Spain versus England in the World Cup final. Poor old England.
NICK
On the contrary, my Spanish friend. Prepare to die.

9
ANNIE
Nick, please ask Hector to pass the crisps.
NICK
Hector, Annie says can you pass the crisps.
HECTOR
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Please ask Annie why hasn't she spoken to me for two days.
NICK
Annie, Hector says why haven't you spoken to him for two days.
ANNIE
Tell him - hmm!
NICK
She says - hmm!
BRIDGET
Shhh! It's starting.
VOICE ON TELEVISION
....final between England and their arch-rivals Spain!
NICK
Come on, England, come on.
BRIDGET
Come on, Spain.
Assorted inaudible comments and noises
BRIDGET
Go on!
VOICE ON TELEVISION
...and here's Spain - and it's a goal!
ALL
Yes!!/goal!!
VOICE ON TELEVISION
England have the ball. They are heading for gold. And it's...
HECTOR
Annie?
VOICE ON TELEVISION
Now, the final...
HECTOR
Can I ask you something?
ANNIE
Yes, Hector?
HECTOR
Have you ever thought about getting married?
ANNIE
Who to?

10
HECTOR
Oh, to someone - someone like - me.
VOICE ON TELEVISION
...and he shoots and he scores!
NICK
I don't believe it! What a match!
BRIDGET
Oh, Spain played really well.
NICK
BRIDGET
Oh, poor Miguel. Speak to me in English again.
MIGUEL
"Bridget, you are so beautiful. I love your hair and your smile."
NICK
Is that all he knows?
HECTOR
Yup, and I taught him.
ANNIE
When?
HECTOR
On the phone.
ANNIE
Oh! You were on the phone to Miguel!
HECTOR
Teaching him English.
ANNIE
Oh, silly me. I thought you were talking to Bridget.
HECTOR
Oh, Annie, there is only one person for me.
NICK
Me?
HECTOR
Well?
Will you?
NICK
Will she what?
HECTOR
Marry me?
ANNIE
Yes, Hector!

11
Whooping and shouting
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Hector and Annie plan their wedding, Nick is in for a surprise, and guess who's
coming from Argentina?
EXTRA, don't miss it!

12
Episode 13
Narrative
ANNIE [Reading on screen advert]

Pet Weddings, the wedding for you and your little friends.
Oh, Hector, it’s perfect!
HECTOR
Yeah, perfect!
ANNIE
Oh – Hector, you have mail!
Ah, and they’re all from your mother.
Shall I?
HECTOR
Yes please, do.
ANNIE
What do they say?
HECTOR
¿Cuántas damas de honor va a llevar Annie? ¿Diez o doce?
Well, she says, “How many bridesmaids is Annie having?
Ten or twelve?”
ANNIE
Ten or twelve?!
HECTOR
You will like this one Annie.
“Have you booked Westminster Abbey yet?
I’m coming to London soon, to help you.”
ANNIE
Oh, Hector!
Your mother is very kind but we want a small wedding.
She must not interfere!
HECTOR
Oh, Annie.
HECTOR
Hola, Mamá.
MRS ROMERO
¡Hector cariño! ¿Recibiste mis e-mails?
Episode 13 A Wedding in the Air

1
HECTOR
Si, Mamá. Mamá…
MRS ROMERO
Hector, ¿Quién es el padrino?
HECTOR
Erm, Nick.
MRS ROMERO
¿Es inteligente, trabjador, responsable?
HECTOR
Si, si.
MRS ROMERO
¡Oo perfecto!
HECTOR
Mamá…
MRS ROMERO
¡Me voy! Donatella Versace está por llegar de un momento a otro. Tiene ideas maravillosas para
mi traje para la boda ¡Hasta pronto!
Sound of telephone receiver being put down
MRS ROMERO
Gracias, Antonio.
ANNIE
Hector, we want our pet wedding, don’t we?
HECTOR
… Erm, yes.
ANNIE
Well she must not interfere any more!
HECTOR
It’s OK.
I won’t let her – come here.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hmm, you look happy!
Man trouble?
How is – erm, ah, Miguel?
BRIDGET
Miguel is finished!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh!
BRIDGET
It’s all football, football, football with Miguel.

2
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh!
What do you expect from Spanish men?!
BRIDGET
So I said, “Bye, bye, Miguel.”
Oh and Annie and Hector are so happy.
It’s weddings, weddings, weddings … I’ll never find a decent man.
I’ll just be single for ever!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh rubbish!
What you need is a new man in your life!
BRIDGET
But where can I get one?
Oh hi - Bridget here - can I have a new man please?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh - and what about – that gorgeous – Nick!
BRIDGET
Nick?!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, he’s great as ‘Pierce Steele’ in London on Fire – oh, what a hunk!!
BRIDGET
But he’s …
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Come on Bridget, you said you want a new man – well let me introduce you to the new Nick! I
want you to interview him for Stars at 9 on 9!
BRIDGET
Interview Nick?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Ahm.
BRIDGET
But all he talks about is girls – oh and motorbikes.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Forget what he says - ask him – to take his jacket off!! Hmm-hmm, here, look at this – London on
Fire!
Enjoy it! Ahm!!
Sound of coughing
WOMAN
Oh Pierce, how can I ever thank you?
PIERCE STEELE [Nick]

It was nothing!
It’s all – in a day’s work for – Pierce Steele.

3
NICK
Hi Bridget …
BRIDGET
Oh, hi Nick.
Come and sit down.
NICK
OK.
What are you reading?
BRIDGET
Oh, a magazine about weddings.
I love weddings, don’t you?
NICK
Erm …
BRIDGET
The problem is I’m always the bridesmaid, never the bride!
NICK
Oh, wow!
BRIDGET
Isn’t it lovely!
NICK
Yeah!
The Ferrari Testarosa.
What a great car!
BRIDGET
I meant her dress!
Do you like it, Nick?
NICK
Well, it wouldn’t suit me! Ha-ha!
BRIDGET
[Laughs]
Nick - you’re so funny!
I love funny men.
NICK
I need a drink!
Would you like one?
BRIDGET
And good looking ones.
I’d love to marry a funny, good looking man.
NICK
[Makes loud burping noise]
BRIDGET
By the way, Nick, I saw London on Fire – you’re very good in it.

4
NICK
Really?
Did you think so?
BRIDGET
In fact, I wondered if …
NICK
… Yeah …?
BRIDGET
… If you want to …
NICK
… Yeah …
BRIDGET
Will you … ?
NICK
… Yeah … ?!!
BRIDGET
Will you do an interview with me for Channel 9?
NICK
Oh – yeah.

Nadia.
I really want a small wedding, but Hector’s mother keeps interfering.
ANNIE
She must not interfere, it’s too much!

I don’t have any luck with men!
Eunice says I should think about Nick.
BRIDGET
Interview Nick?!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hmm-hmm.
BRIDGET
But all he talks about is girls – oh and motorbikes.

Anyway, I’m going to interview him on Stars at 9.
BRIDGET
Will you do an interview with me for Channel 9?
NICK
Oh – yeah.

5
DELIVERY MAN
Courtesy of Mrs Romero – Reception Venues.
DELIVERY MAN
Courtesy of Mrs Romero – Wedding Dresses.
DELIVERY MAN
Courtesy of Mrs Romero – Honeymoons.
ANNIE
Hector’s mother is driving me mad!!
Maybe I should just cancel the wedding.
BRIDGET
Really?
Well I wouldn’t!
I suppose marriage will mean sacrifices.
No more shaving your legs on the toilet.
No more soaps on TV.
ANNIE
Oh no!!
BRIDGET
No more midnight chocolate feasts!
ANNIE
[Gasps]
BRIDGET
But then you will be Mrs Romero!
NICK
Do you think Bridget is ill?
HECTOR
No why?
NICK
She’s being very nice to me – very nice.
HECTOR
Well maybe she is ill.
NICK
She’s talking about weddings, you and Annie.
HECTOR
You don’t think she wants to get married too, do you?

6
NICK
Ha! Who to?
HECTOR
Well – you said she was being very nice to you.
NICK
No!
You don’t think?!
BRIDGET
Annie – I have something to tell you.
ANNIE
What?
BRIDGET
Nick.
ANNIE
Nick what?
BRIDGET
I fancy Nick.
NICK
Aagh! She did mean me!
Oh Hector – help!
Once you’re married – they’ve got you!
ANNIE
You fancy Nick?
BRIDGET
Yes I do, I do!
ANNIE
But you don’t like Nick.
BRIDGET
I do like Nick.
ANNIE
No you don’t, you think he’s an idiot!
BRIDGET
Yes, but he’s so macho!
ANNIE
You think he’s vain!
BRIDGET
But he’s so good looking!
ANNIE
Huh! You don’t like his clothes!

7
BRIDGET
But now he wears a fireman’s uniform.
ANNIE
Ah, so that’s it!
The uniform.
BRIDGET
He’s so sexy in London on Fire.
ANNIE
So, what are you going to do?
BRIDGET
Tomorrow I will interview him for Channel 9 …
ANNIE
… And then?
BRIDGET
You’ll just have to wait and see.
NICK
There’s one good thing about getting married.
HECTOR
Yeah, love.
NICK
No – no!
The Stag Night!
HECTOR
The what?
NICK
The Stag Night.
It’s when the bridegroom – that’s you, is taken out by his best man, that’s me to say – goodbye.
HECTOR
Goodbye?
NICK
Yep.
Goodbye to your fantastic life as a single man.
HECTOR
Oh.
NICK
Goodbye to drinking beer and watching football in bed.
HECTOR
Oh.
NICK
Goodbye to eating curry for breakfast.

8
HECTOR
Oh.
NICK
And worst of all – goodbye to Kylie Minogue!!
HECTOR and NICK

Oh!!
NICK
Don’t worry Hector – we will face this together!
HECTOR
Oh thank you Nick – you are a real friend!
NICK
Anyway – this stag night!
What are we going to do?
HECTOR
Go to the cinema?
NICK
Wha … ?!
In England – we do crazy things!
We party, we go to Brighton, we dress up …
HECTOR
… As what?
NICK
Women!
BRIDGET
So, I am here with Nick Jessop – or Pierce Steele, straight from the set of London on Fire – Nick.
NICK
Good evening.
BRIDGET
Do you think London on Fire accurately reflects the pressures on London’s emergency services?
NICK
Dunno! But the women are good looking! [Laughs]
BRIDGET
Erm, do you get very hot?
NICK
When?
BRIDGET
In the flames, when you’re filming.
NICK
No, not really.

9
BRIDGET
Do you take your jacket off sometimes?
NICK
Yeah, sometimes.
BRIDGET
When it gets very … hot?
NICK
Yeah.
BRIDGET
Do you want to take your jacket off now?
NICK
Erm, eh, no, not really.
BRIDGET
Erm, and what about the women?
NICK
The women?
BRIDGET
The women you rescue.
You carry them out of the house that is on fire.
NICK
Oh yeah.
BRIDGET
They must love it!
NICK
Well they are acting.
BRIDGET
And do they ask you to …?
NICK
Do they ask me to what?
BRIDGET
Take your jacket off.
NICK
Oh, erm, no.
BRIDGET
Will you take it off now?
NICK
Er – OK.
[Nervous laughter]

10
BRIDGET
Could you carry me?!
NICK
When?!
BRIDGET
Now!
Carry me like you do on London on Fire!
NICK
Er – OK.
BRIDGET
Oh … you’re so strong!
This is Bridget Evans with Nick Jessop for Channel 9.
Ah!
NICK
Shall I put you down now?
BRIDGET
Oh, do you have to?!!
Thumping noise/sound of Bridget screaming
ANNIE
Oh, hi Hector.
HECTOR
Hi Annie.
ANNIE/HECTOR
Em, Hector/Annie …
HECTOR
Oh, no, you go first.
ANNIE
Oh, no, you first.
HECTOR
OK.
Annie, this wedding …
ANNIE
I was going to say “this wedding …”
HECTOR
Oh, OK, you say it then.
ANNIE
Oh – no – you.
HECTOR
OK, let’s write it down.

11
ANNIE
Good idea.
HECTOR
Ready?
ANNIE
Uhuh.
HECTOR
One, two, three, show!
ANNIE
Oh, yes Hector, let’s wait!
This wedding is a nightmare!
HECTOR
Yeah!
ANNIE
Let’s celebrate not getting married!
HECTOR
Yeah!
ANNIE
OK, erm, I’m going shopping now, but meet me at Leo’s Café at 5pm.
HECTOR
I’ll be there!
Sound of kissing
ANNIE
You must tell your mother!
Thank goodness she’s thousands of miles away in Argentina!
HECTOR
Hola, Mamá.
MRS ROMERO
Hector, cariño. ¡Vengo a Londres!
ANNIE
Make sure you tell her before she leaves.
HECTOR
Escucha, Mamá… Annie y yo...
MRS ROMERO
Mi avión llega a las cinco a Heathrow. ¡Hasta pronto!
MRS ROMERO
Gracias, Antonio.

12
HECTOR
Oh no!!
ANNIE
Meet me at Leo’s café at 5pm.
HECTOR
Annie – or Mum?
MRS ROMERO
Mi avión llega a las cinco a Heathrow.
HECTOR
Mum – or Annie?

Bridget is very nice to me, it’s very strange!
BRIDGET
Nick, you’re so funny!

Hector thinks she wants to get married too!
NICK
Oh-ha!

Mm – anyway, as best man I am organising Hector’s stag night.
NICK
The stag night!
HECTOR
The what?

We are practising tonight!
NICK
We dress up!
HECTOR
As what?
NICK
Women.

But you know, Nick is very cute.
NICK
Ah-uh!
BRIDGET
Especially in his fireman’s uniform!

13
BRIDGET
Oh you’re so strong!
Sound of plane landing
Sound of door opening and closing
HECTOR
Oh hi Nick, did you have a good day?
NICK
Gre-at! I saved London again.
Oh, and I was interviewed by Bridget.
Man, I thought she was going to ask me to marry her!
Ha-ha!
HECTOR
Gre-at.
NICK
OK, what’s up?
HECTOR
My mother is coming to London.
NICK
Ooh! Does Annie know?
HECTOR
No.
NICK
Oops!
HECTOR
But we have cancelled the wedding.
NICK
Wow!
Does your mother know?
HECTOR
No.
NICK
Whoops!
HECTOR
It gets worse.
I was supposed to meet both of them this afternoon in different places!
NICK
Ha-ha-ha – triple oops!
Oh Hector, don’t worry.
Women always forget.

14
HECTOR
Hmm.
HECTOR
Oh.
HECTOR
Hola, Mamá.
MRS ROMERO
Hector. ¿Dónde estás?
HECTOR
Mamá... hay un problema...
MRS ROMERO
Oh no importa. Tomaré un taxi.
HECTOR
Hi Annie.
ANNIE
Hector, where are you?
HECTOR
Annie, listen!
ANNIE
I’m glad we’re not getting married!
NICK
Ha-hmm.
So they didn’t forget!
Sound of vegetables being chopped
HECTOR
Annie please, listen to me!
ANNIE
What, or who is more important than me?
BRIDGET
Tut-tut-tut.
First marriage row!
HECTOR AND ANNIE

We are not getting married!
BRIDGET
Pardon me!

15
HECTOR
Annie, today was difficult, impossible.
ANNIE
I don’t want to know!
HECTOR
Annie – it’s my mother!
ANNIE
What about your mother?!
MRS ROMERO
Heeere’s mother!!
Hector darling! Mw-mw.
HECTOR
Hola, Mamá.
MRS ROMERO
Oh, speak to me in English.
I’ve taken lessons!
Where is Annie, where’s my little bride?
What a beauty! Hector! You’ve kept her beauty a secret!
HECTOR
No, Mamá – this is Bridget.
This is Annie.
MRS ROMERO
Oh!!
Donatella can help you.
HECTOR
Annie is the prettiest, sweetiest, kindest girl in the world.
MRS ROMERO
Really?
ANNIE
Didn’t you tell her the wedding is off?
HECTOR
I didn’t get the chance.
ANNIE
Well now’s the time.
HECTOR
[Clears throat]
Mum.
MRS ROMERO
Yes.

16
HECTOR
Annie and I have decided to …
ANNIE
… Wait a few years before we get married.
HECTOR
No nos casamos todavía.
MRS ROMERO
No wedding!
Oh no!! [Sound of crying]
Oh, thank you Bridget. [Sound of crying/nose blowing]
Do you have a boyfriend?
BRIDGET
I hope so, Mrs Romero.
MRS ROMERO
Oh – is he handsome?
BRIDGET
Yes, he’s very handsome – and muscular!
MRS ROMERO
I love macho men.
What’s his name?
BRIDGET
Nick – Nick Jessop!
MRS ROMERO
Nick?!
Hector’s best man!
BRIDGET
Yes, that’s him.
NICK
Time to party!
HECTOR
Mama – meet Nick.
BRIDGET
So, have you booked Westminster Abbey yet?!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA – Bridget tries to change Nick.
Hector’s mother comes to dinner, but why does Annie behave badly?

17
Episode 14
Narrative
NICK
Oh, Bridget, this is wonderful.
BRIDGET
I'm so glad you like it, Nick.
NICK
I just can't get enough of it. More, more, more!
BRIDGET
Nick, honey, there's plenty more where that came from. Nick?
NICK
Yes, Bridget darling?
BRIDGET
How long have we been together now?
NICK
Erm...
BRIDGET
We've been together two days, Nick.
NICK
Wow! That long? Hmm!
BRIDGET
Yes, it is a long time, Nick. But if we are to continue our relationship, you must..., will you..., will you
treat me like a lady?
NICK
Bridget darling, just call me Gentleman Nick.
BRIDGET
Nick! Nick! You must..., there must be more...
NICK
Snogging!
BRIDGET
There must be more respect.
NICK
[Makes belching noise]
BRIDGET
Oh, Nick. Let's see what sort of gentleman you are. Here's a little test. Follow me. Well?
NICK
Well, what?
Episode 14 Changes 1
BRIDGET
I want to go out.
NICK
Oh.
BRIDGET
So..., what do you do?
NICK
Kiss you goodbye!
BRIDGET
No. You open the door for me.
NICK
Huh? Ah! Because I am the strongest - drrrrrhhhh! Ooh-arrr! Ooharrr! Tarzan!!!
ANNIE
Oh, come on, Ziggy, we'll be late.
HECTOR
Is just you and Ziggy doing this protest?
ANNIE
Yes, but when other people see how important it is, they'll join us. We must stop!
Sound of Hector’s mobile phone ringing
HECTOR
Oh, excuse me, Annie. Hola Papa ….. ….. …. ….
ANNIE
Problems?
HECTOR
What?
Oh, no, no, no. No problems at all.
ANNIE
Oh, look! There's Ziggy. Must dash.
HECTOR
Have fun!
ANNIE
This is not fun.
This is serious.
HECTOR
This is serious too!
BRIDGET
Now, clothes.
NICK
What?
BRIDGET
I want you more like David Beckham.
NICK
Ah, like this!
BRIDGET
Now where is it? Aha! Here it is. Now come here.
NICK
Really, Bridget, I don't think...
BRIDGET
Oh, don't be silly, Nick. There! That's better. Now, we must go deeper. There is a bigger problem. You
have a lot of anger in there.
NICK
Well, yes, I am wearing this stupid hair-band.
BRIDGET
So we must work on your inner calm. I want to see your chest.
NICK
Ha-ha-humm!! OK!
BRIDGET
Lie down. Close your eyes. And relax.
NICK
Ahhh!
BRIDGET
Now this may tickle a bit. Ready? Here goes!
NICK
Yahhhh!
BRIDGET
Just feel that anger go!
Acupuncture never fails.
Oh, hi, Mrs Romero.
MRS ROMERO
Hello, Bridget. Where is Hector?
NICK
Hello, Mrs Romero.
BRIDGET
Do you remember Nick, Mrs Romero?
NICK
Time to party!!
MRS ROMERO
Nicky! I can't forget him.
HECTOR
Oh! Hola, Mama! Sorry I'm late. Coffee?
MRS ROMERO
Oh, yes please.
BRIDGET
Excuse us, Mrs Romero. Come on, Nick, I'm taking you shopping.
NICK
Uh-uh.
BRIDGET
Oh? So you want some more acupuncture?
NICK
OK, OK, I'm coming, I'm coming.
BRIDGET
And don't forget your money.
NICK
Pfwoarrr!
BRIDGET
Oh, you are learning quickly.
NICK
Pfwoarrr!
MRS ROMERO
…………………………………
HECTOR
Oh, gracias, Mama.
MRS ROMERO
…………………………………
HECTOR
………………………………..

Hey, Dan!
Guess who I'm going out with? Bridget!
At last she realises that I am the one for her!
The only problem is, she doesn't like my manners or my hair or my clothes.
BRIDGET
I want you more like David Beckham.
NICK
Ah, like this?

Chrissy, I've been going out with Nick for two days now and he is perfect for me.
NICK
Wow! That long? Hmm!

Well, when I've changed him a bit, he will be perfect.
BRIDGET
Oh! You are learning quickly!
NICK
Pfwoarrr!
MRS ROMERO
……………………………………..
HECTOR
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Mother, when in London, we speak English.
MRS ROMERO
Yes, we must.
English is the language of high class, so I must teach it...
HECTOR
… Learn.
MRS ROMERO
…
HECTOR
You must learn it, not teach it.
MRS ROMERO
Oh, yes. So your father has found you a wife.
HECTOR
He told me.
He must stop shopping on E-Bay. Look, Mum, I don't want a wife. I've got Annie.
MRS ROMERO
This girl is from a good family.
HECTOR
So is Annie.
MRS ROMERO
This girl is rich.
HECTOR
I don't care about money.
MRS ROMERO
But she's almost royalty.
HECTOR
Mum, Annie is my princess.
MRS ROMERO
But she's so...
HECTOR
She's so clever, so kind, so happy!
Annie?
MRS ROMERO
Very happy!
HECTOR
What happened?
ANNIE
Ziggy and I were in a field lying down.
MRS ROMERO
Sunbathing?
ANNIE
Protesting.
HECTOR
And...?
ANNIE
It began to rain.
HECTOR
Oh, poor Annie.
MRS ROMERO
Don't touch her!
HECTOR
Now listen, Mum, I told you I love Annie.
MRS ROMERO
Be careful, your pullover.
ANNIE
Hector, your mother's right. Don't touch me!
MRS ROMERO
Oh ………………………….
HECTOR
Why did you do that?
MRS ROMERO
Because I love you, darling.
HECTOR
If you knew Annie, you would love her.
MRS ROMERO
Well, I'm going home tomorrow.
HECTOR
Look, Mum, come to dinner tonight and you will meet the real Annie.
And if you don't like her, then..., then I might marry the princess Dad has found.
HECTOR
Annie? Annie.
ANNIE
Yes, Hector?
HECTOR
Can we talk?
ANNIE
If that's OK with your mother.
HECTOR
Oh, Annie, she's gone to her hotel now.
ANNIE
Huh!
HECTOR
Look, she's going home tomorrow and I thought we would invite her to dinner tonight.
ANNIE
Well, I'm going out.
HECTOR
Annie, please don't be silly.
Stay and be nice to her. She is OK really.
ANNIE
Well, OK then.
But you must do one thing for me.
HECTOR
Sure. What?
ANNIE
Scrub my back.
HECTOR
Oh, but I am still dressed.
ANNIE
So am I. Well, I can't put these in the washing machine. They're filthy.
ANNIE
Umm, apricot?
HECTOR
No.
Annie, will you behave?
ANNIE
When?
HECTOR
When my mother comes to dinner.
ANNIE
Hmm, probably.
Strawberry.
HECTOR
Annie, I have an idea.
Nick is pretending to be someone different.
BRIDGET
Nick isn't pretending.
This is the new Nick. Isn't it, Nick.
HECTOR
You can pretend as well. You can pretend to be what my mother wants.
ANNIE
What, Princess Caroline of Monaco?
HECTOR
Look, Nick is pretending to be what Bridget wants.
NICK
Yeah. A slave.
BRIDGET
How can I help?
As you can see, I'm a talented stylist. Could I have some more cola, please, sweetie?
HECTOR
My mother is coming to dinner tonight.
BRIDGET
Oh! So what's on the menu?
ANNIE
I am!
NICK
What sort of food does your mother like?
ANNIE
Babies on toast?
HECTOR
I don't know.
A traditional English dish.
ANNIE
I am not going to pretend to eat meat.
NICK
How about roast Annie? Ha-ha!!
BRIDGET
I know. What about sweet and sour prawn balls?
Sweet for me...
NICK
And sour for Hector's mum!
BRIDGET
Nick, behave.
HECTOR
Very funny.
I will cook dinner.
BRIDGET
And Nick will look after your mother because he's such a gentleman now.
NICK
Don't you worry about Mrs R. She'll have a great time. Leave it to me.
HECTOR
So, Annie, will you pretend?
ANNIE
OK, Hector. For you, tonight I will pretend to be the perfect girlfriend.
BRIDGET
Annie, you and I are going shopping.
BRIDGET
It’s obvious.
Urrghh! Too Margaret Thatcher.
Hector will love it, but, no.
Perfect!

Nadia,
Hector's mother was here again today. Ooohhh! She is so rude to me.
MRS ROMERO
Don't touch her!
ANNIE
Your mother's right. Don't touch me!

Worse still, she’s coming to dinner tonight and Hector wants me to pretend to be the ‘perfect
girlfriend’!
BRIDGET
No!
HECTOR
You can pretend to be what my mother wants.
ANNIE
What? Princess Caroline of Monaco?
BRIDGET
Perfect!

It’s working. I’m changing Nick into the perfect boyfriend.
NICK
Yeah.
Slave.
Assorted background noises
HECTOR
Wow! Annie! You look great.
ANNIE
I look 45 years old.
HECTOR
But my mother will like it.
NICK
Ah-hah-hah!
Snap!
MRS ROMERO
Versace?
ANNIE
Marks and Spencer's.
HECTOR
……………
MRS ROMERO
Yes …………………......
BRIDGET
Have you enjoyed your visit to London, Mrs Romero?
MRS ROMERO
I love London. We often visit our friends, Liz and Phil.
ANNIE
And where do they live?
MRS ROMERO
Buckingham Palace.
NICK
There you are, Mrs Romero.
MRS ROMERO
Oh, you're so handsome, Nick.
HECTOR
Annie has had an interesting day today, haven't you, Annie.
Go on, Annie, tell Mother about your interesting day.
ANNIE
OK. Well, our GM protest went very well today.
MRS ROMERO
What's GM?
BRIDGET
I don't know. Erm, Great Men, a Great Men protest.
MRS ROMERO
Really?
ANNIE
It means genetically modified.
HECTOR
Listen, Mum.
ANNIE
So, so the farmer came over to see what we were doing...
MRS ROMERO
Oh, GM, GM! Gorgeous Men! Oooh!
NICK
Another drink, Mrs R?
MRS ROMERO
Oh yes, Nick, please.
You have lovely eyes.
ANNIE
Anyway, he told us to go away and when we wouldn't...
NICK
There you are, madam.
MRS ROMERO
Where did you learn your beautiful manners?
NICK
Oh, I was born with them.
MRS ROMERO
Sit down.
ANNIE
And then the police arrested us, but I escaped prison so I could be here tonight.
HECTOR
[Laughs nervously]
It is a joke!
Come on, Mum, talk to Annie.
MRS ROMERO
So Annie, Hector tells me you like animals.
ANNIE
Oh, I love them, but I don't eat them. I'm a vegetarian.
MRS ROMERO
How odd.
NICK
If we cannot eat animals, why are they made of meat then? Ha-ha-ha-ha!
MRS ROMERO
[Laughing]
You're so funny, Nick. But I do love horses.
ANNIE
Oh yes, they're wonderful.
MRS ROMERO
And I love riding.
I love your English hunt.
Yes, the dogs, the handsome men in red coats.
ANNIE
The dead fox.
MRS ROMERO
Yes, the dead fox.
ANNIE
No! It's cruel. The poor fox.
MRS ROMERO
What do you know?
You are not from a good family.
ANNIE
There's nothing wrong with my family.
MRS ROMERO
You are not family of beauty.
ANNIE
Well, anyway, I don't believe that Hector is your son. He's too good-looking.
MRS ROMERO
Right, that's it. I'm going.
HECTOR
Mum, Annie didn't mean..., Annie, and Mum didn't mean...
MRS ROMERO & ANNIE

Yes we did!
ANNIE
And another thing.
You won't need hounds on a hunt.
When the fox sees you coming, he'll run.
MRS ROMERO
Hector, I shall see you in Argentina for your wedding. To our perfect princess.
NICK
Well, that went rather well, didn't it!
MRS ROMERO
Oh, who is this? He’s darling!
HECTOR
Oh, that's Charlie. Charlie belongs to Annie....
ANNIE
… Me!
He's my baby.
MRS ROMERO
Isn't he gorgeous.
Yes, darling, here's Mummy.
NICK
[Makes nervous laughing noise]
HECTOR
Women!
BRIDGET
So Hector, who's this Latin American princess?
HECTOR
Er, well, my father wants me to marry her, but I will not, of course.
NICK
Well, if you don't want her, I'll have her.
BRIDGET
More wine, Nick!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Nick gets a job as a bouncer.
NICK
If your name's not on the guest list, then you cannot come in! Huh!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Annie gets a tattoo, and Hector wants to be a tough guy. EXTRA, don't miss it.
BRIDGET
I love mixing with the stars!
Episode 15
Narrative
HECTOR
Ohh, ohhh!
ANNIE
Hector, stop being such a baby.
HECTOR
But it hurts!
ANNIE
I haven't touched you yet.
HECTOR
Ohhh.
ANNIE
Now stay still.
You will just feel a little needle prick.
HECTOR
Oh, go on then.
Hurt me, do it!
ANNIE
Hector!
HECTOR
Ohhhhh.
ANNIE
Hector!
HECTOR
Ohhhhh!
ANNIE
I've done it.
HECTOR
Huh?
ANNIE
I've removed the splinter.
HECTOR
Huh? Oh, er, yes, I knew that. I was joking.
ANNIE
What is it, are you scared of needles?
Episode 15 The Bouncer 1

HECTOR
Who, me? Don't be silly. But it was a very painful splinter.
ANNIE
OK, so if you're not scared of needles, would you have a tattoo?
HECTOR
A tattoo?!
Yes, yes, I would.
ANNIE
Go on then, tough guy.
HECTOR
OK, I'll have one if you have one.
ANNIE
OK. OK, it's a deal.
Oh, by the way, Hector...
HECTOR
Hmm?
ANNIE
I had this done this morning.
But then, a deal is a deal, isn't it?
NICK
I - want a word with you.
ANNIE
Tough guy, eh?
HECTOR
Yeah. What do you want?
NICK
I - don't. I don't. I... keep forgetting this bit: I - don't - like - your - face.
ANNIE
OK, so is this for television or theatre?
NICK
Nope.
This is real. This is me.
ANNIE
And you are...?
NICK
Can't you guess?
Guys, you are looking at Muscles.
HECTOR
Where?
NICK
No, no, no. It's my new name. I am the new man on the door at Ice.

ANNIE
What, you're a bouncer?
HECTOR
What is a bouncer?
ANNIE
It's someone who throws people out of night-clubs.
NICK
Uh-uh-uh. I am an entry executive.
ANNIE
So you throw people out of the club.
NICK
Yeah.
ANNIE
Yeah.
Nick, my granny could beat you up.
NICK
Ah!
But if your granny came to Ice and caused trouble, I would have to ask her to leave.
Besides, I'd have Knuckles, Cruncher and Muncher to back me up.
HECTOR
Who?
NICK
The other bouncers.
HECTOR
Yeah, right.
NICK
Hi, sweetie.
BRIDGET
Has someone died?
NICK
No, not yet.
BRIDGET
Why are you dressed in black then?
NICK
Because, baby, you are looking at the new man on the door at Ice.
BRIDGET
You are on the door at Ice?
NICK
Uh-huh.
BRIDGET
But that's.., but that's wonderful news! What shall I wear? I'll call the girls to find out what they're
wearing.

NICK
The thing is, Bridget, if your name's not on the guest list, then you can't come in.
BRIDGET
Nick, if my name's not on the guest list, then you can't come home.
NICK
Hello? Oh! Hi!
Yup, that's right. I start on Friday. OK, baby! No probs. Leave it with me. Ciao! [Sound of
sniggering/Nick clears throat]
My mum. She wants me to do some gardening for her.

Dan, guess what?! I've got a new job!
I'm a bouncer at Ice!
Oh, this club is very trendy, very exclusive!
NICK
I am the new man on the door at Ice!

Hey! When the girls see me on the door they won’t want to go in!

Nick has got a job as a bouncer at Ice.
NICK
I - don't - like - your - face.

If he doesn't get me on the guest list, he is in big trouble!
NICK
If your name's not on the guest list, then you can't come in.
Sound of puffing and panting
ANNIE
Hector, I just won... What are you doing?
HECTOR
Oh, just looking for a number.
ANNIE
Oh, I see.
Well, I just wondered if you wanted to share my chocolate with me before Bridget sees it.
HECTOR
Oh yeah! Great! Thanks.
Annie?
ANNIE
Huh?
HECTOR
Did I tell you about the time three people tried to fight me?
ANNIE
All at once?

HECTOR
Yup.
ANNIE
Really?
HECTOR
Uh-huh.
ANNIE
Oh, well, go on.
HECTOR
Well, three of them, they came at me...
ANNIE
Oh, you poor thing! And what did they want?
HECTOR
My sweets.
ANNIE
Oh. And how old were you?
HECTOR
Six.
ANNIE
And they were...?
HECTOR
Five, three and two.
ANNIE
Hector! Two years old! They were babies!
HECTOR
Yeah, but the Sanchez sisters were really tough!
ANNIE
Oh, Hector, you are sweet.
HECTOR
Annie.
ANNIE
Hmm?
HECTOR
Do you think I should be more macho?
ANNIE
Oh, Hector. You don't have to be a tough guy for me.
I love you just the way you are.
HECTOR
Oh, Annie.
ANNIE
Come on, let's eat this chocolate before Bridget finds it.

HECTOR
Oh, please, let me.
ANNIE
Oh. Oh! Ooh, you're so strong! Oh!
HECTOR
Ow!
ANNIE
What is it?
HECTOR
You are standing on my foot.
ANNIE
Wimp.
Sound of door shutting

HECTOR
Ah, hi, Nick.
NICK
Oh, hi. Hey, listen to this. "Bouncer of the month is Alex Smith who last year stopped 955 people from
going into his club."
HECTOR
What is the name of the club?
NICK
Er, it doesn't say.
It shut down last week.
Not enough people were going there.
HECTOR
Nick.
NICK
Huh?
HECTOR
What is a wimp?
NICK
Huh! Well, it's not... Ha-ah-ah …
HECTOR
Annie just called me a wimp.
NICK
Yeah.
HECTOR
I want to be a tough guy, like you.
NICK
Huh?
HECTOR
Can you teach me? Please?

NICK
Of course. I was born like this, but I can try to help you, Hector, I can try.
HECTOR
Great. Why don't you show me how to be a bouncer.
NICK
At - it - tude.
HECTOR
At - it - tude?
NICK
Yeah, like this. "Are you looking at me?"
HECTOR
"Are you looking at me?"
NICK
HECTOR
NICK
Hey, great!
HECTOR
So who am I looking at when I say that?
NICK
Anyone who is looking for trouble.
HECTOR
Aha!
And how do I know they are looking for trouble?
NICK
You just know.
Look.
HECTOR
What is this?
NICK
Bridget's old toys!
HECTOR
What are they doing under your bed then?
NICK
I was looking after them for her.
Anyway, look, here, this is the club. "You - cannot - come in." "Let me in!" "Are you looking at me or
chewing a brick, eh? 'Cause either way, you'll lose your teeth."
HECTOR
Huh?
NICK
You know - brick, teeth, chew - cha-cha-cha-cha!

HECTOR
Ah, very good!
NICK
"You are a very scary guy. Hmm!"
HECTOR
Yeah. "Look! It's handsome Nick! Ohhh! Ohhh! Look at his muscles. Hmmm!"
NICK
"Hellooooo! You are looking lovely tonight."
NICK & HECTOR

Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! .... ... .. . .... . ..
HECTOR
"Leave my boyfriend alone!"
NICK
"It's OK, Bridget. I'm just doing my job." ... ... ... ...
NICK
If your name's not on the guest list, then you cannot come in. If your name's not on the guest list, then
you cannot come in. Huh! Hmm! Please could I have your name, sir?
MAN OUTSIDE CLUB

What do you want that for?
NICK
Because if your name’s not on the … guest list, you cannot come in.
MAN OUTSIDE CLUB

And what are you going to do about it, pip-squeak?
NICK
I …, I …
MAN OUTSIDE CLUB

… … Shall be a good boy! Aah-aah!
BRIDGET
Didn't you hear what the man said? He said, "Go. Disappear. Vanish. Evaporate - now!"
MAN OUTSIDE CLUB

OK, I’m going!
NICK
Sorry you had to see that, Bridget.
Course I had the situation completely under control.
BRIDGET
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
NICK
So, Bridget, why are you here?
BRIDGET
Hmm, what? Oh, I've brought you some sandwiches.

NICK
Oh, Bridget, how nice of you. Huh! Where are they?
BRIDGET
Where are what?
NICK
The sandwiches.
BRIDGET
Oh, I must have left them behind. Never mind!
So, who's here tonight?
NICK
I'm afraid I can't tell you. It's confidential. Ha-ha-hum.
OK, well, there's the usual crowd - Heidi, Kate, Naomi - oops! Sorry, Bridget! I have work to do. Good
evening, ladies!
Could I have your names, please? Thank you. Just one more thing. Bridget? Arms up, please, ladies.
Hmm, you see, hmm, very nice. Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies. Have a great evening.
All part of the job.
BRIDGET
OK, Nick. So when is it my turn? I want to go in!
NICK
Oh, Bridget, Bridget, Bridget. I promise. As soon as I can arrange it, I will, hmm?
Look, there's a big Latino night next week. J-Lo will be coming. Leave it to me.
BRIDGET
Oh, thank you, Nick!
NICK
Oh-oh … [clears throat] Stand back. I need to take control.
Sound of slow handclap
BRIDGET
Good! Everything is under control.

I do love Hector, but I think he's a bit of a wimp.
ANNIE
Wimp!

At least Nick has a tough-guy job at Ice!

I've started my new job at Ice.
NICK
Good evening ladies!

There was one guy who was looking for trouble, but it was OK.
I had everything under control!
NICK
I have the situation completely under control.

BRIDGET
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bridget was very impressed, especially as J-Lo is coming next week.
NICK
J-Lo will be coming!
BRIDGET
[Whispering reverentially]
J-Lo!
HECTOR
Annie?
ANNIE
Hmm?
HECTOR
About the tattoo.
ANNIE
Hmm.
HECTOR
Er-hmm. Look.
ANNIE
Oh! You did it! Ohh, and Hector, what a wonderful tattoo! Oh, I don't know what to say! Oh!
HECTOR
Oh, it was nothing.
And I mean it, Hector and Annie forever.
ANNIE
Oh, and look! Charley likes the tattoo as well.
Oh, Charley!
Oh, Hector!
HECTOR
Oh!
BRIDGET
Oh, pl-ease. I've just eaten!
ANNIE
Bridget, look. Hector has had a tattoo done just for me!
Oh, isn't it romantic?
BRIDGET
Hec-ne-ver. Hec-ne-ver? It doesn't sound very romantic. What does it mean?
ANNIE
What happened? It's coming off! Oh. Charley has licked it off.
It's a fake.
Hector, you wimp!
HECTOR
Hi, Nick.

NICK
What's the joke?
HECTOR
I am.
NICK
Oh.
Listen, J-Lo is coming to Ice tonight, so we need extra bouncers, so you will be working with me on
the door!
HECTOR
But...
NICK
And tell Bridget and Annie they are on the guest list. OK, tough guy?
HECTOR
OK.
Sound of Annie and Bridget laughing in background
Sound of Hector and Nick making assorted macho type noises
NICK
Hey! Yeah.
Good evening, ladies! You are looking lovely tonight.
ANNIE
Oh, Hector, you look so handsome. I'm sorry I laughed at your tattoo.
HECTOR
Annie, Annie, Annie, I am on duty.
BRIDGET
Is J-Lo here yet?
NICK
She's here.
BRIDGET
Oh, goodie!
I love mixing with the stars.
NICK
Hi.
MAN
She's cute. Hi, gorgeous.
HECTOR
What did he say?
NICK
Nothing.
HECTOR
Was he...? [Makes whistling noise]
NICK
Erm....

HECTOR
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
MAN
What are you looking at?
HECTOR
I am looking at you looking at her.
MAN
I can look at her.
HECTOR
Not when I am looking at her looking at you.
NICK
I think you mean: Not when I'm looking at you looking at her.
HECTOR
That is what I said!
MAN
You know what? I tell you I'm gonna buy her a drink, OK?
HECTOR
What did he say?
NICK
I think he said he's gonna buy her a drink.
Oh, Hector, no.
HECTOR
Right, that is it! I am going in!
NICK
No, Hector, don't. Please...
HECTOR
Oy, you! Leave my girl alone!
Nick! Nick!
His mate is chatting up Bridget.
NICK
Right, that's it! I'm going in!
Oy, you! Leave my girl alone!
Sound of crashing/shouting
CLUB MANAGER [off screen]

Muscles, you're fired! And so is your friend!
NICK
That was great!
BRIDGET
I didn't even see J-Lo.
ANNIE
See, Hector? I knew you weren't a wimp.

COMMENTARY: [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Annie is revising for her exams, Bridget has a make-over and guess who is
coming to stay? EXTRA, don't miss it!

Episode 16
Narrative
ANNIE
Mmm! Chocolate mousse! Mmm! Peanut butter! Mmm! Strawberry yogurt. Nice.
Sound of key rattling in lock
ANNIE
Ow!!
HECTOR
Ah! Ah! [ Assorted yodelling and clapping sounds]
Oh, oh, sorry Annie, exams, I forgot!
I won’t make a sound.
ANNIE
Hmm.
Sound of crisp packet being opened/crunching noise
Tapping sound
HECTOR
Oh, sorry Annie …
ANNIE
Hector! Stop!
Do not eat that apple!
HECTOR
Oh sorry.
You want it, Annie?
ANNIE
No, Hector! It’s too noisy! I am trying to revise!
My exams are next week! Oooh!
I need some classical music.
Sound of soothing classical music in background
HECTOR
Sorry Annie, I … I …
Assorted scrubbing noises/crashing sound
HECTOR
Oh, oh, Annie! Help!
Help!
Episode 16 Uncle Nick

1
BRIDGET
Annie.
ANNIE!!
ANNIE
Oh!
BRIDGET
Why is Hector hanging out of the window?
ANNIE
Oh, poor Hector!
HECTOR
Aaah!
ANNIE
Oh! Oh Hector, are you OK?
HECTOR
Ah, yeah, the window is dirty …
ANNIE
Well then it’s a job for a window cleaner, not you!
BRIDGET
Hey guys, look at these. It’s pictures of my makeover!
HECTOR
What is a make-over?
ANNIE
It’s, it’s when they use make up to turn this into this!
Just joking!
Bridget, they’re fantastic, you look like a film star!
BRIDGET
Cameron Diaz, watch out!
HECTOR
Hah, were you wearing lots of makeup?
BRIDGET
No.
ANNIE
Anyway, what are they for?
BRIDGET
Well Nick wants to be a Hollywood movie star and if he can do it, I can do it!

2
NICK
[Laughing]
Really?!
You are going to tell George Ducas about me.
What, the George Ducas, the Hollywood director?
I’m going to tell him what a great actor I am.
Oh, Victoria, thank you so much!
How can I thank you?
Oh. Ha-ha.
Can’t anyone else do it?
Yes! Of course I want you tell George about me! No problem. See you later.
Ciao.
Hah-huh!
That was my erm, friend, Victoria Yallop, the really good actress.
BRIDGET
Yes!
She’s a really good actress.
“Ni-ck, dar-ling.”
NICK
Well, guess what.
HECTOR, ANNIE and BRIDGET

She’s going to tell George Ducas, the Hollywood director all about you.
NICK
Yeah, how did you know?
HECTOR
Lucky guess!
BRIDGET
And what do you have to do for her?
NICK
Erm, er, nothing. She wants me to look after something for her. Ha-ha!
VICTORIA YALLOP
Oh, ha-ha-ha, Victoria Yallop.
Nick is expecting me!
Nick darling! This must be so much trouble for you!
NICK
No problem, no problem at all!
VICTORIA YALLOP
Sw-eet!
OK, three rules. No meat, clean underpants in the morning and in bed by eight.
Now meet … where are you? Come here!

3
Sound of discordant music
VICTORIA YALLOP
Ah, ah-hah-hah.
Nick, meet Lucas.
Lucas, say hello to Uncle Nicky-Wicky!
NICK
Hi.
Buzzing noise
NICK
Good joke!
Sound of laughing
VICTORIA YALLOP
Well I must dash.
George is waiting for me.
Don’t worry Nick, I’m going to tell him all about you!
Ha-ha - Lucas, be a good boy for Uncle Nicky-Wicky!
Ah … don’t tell me, Nightmare on Elm Street.
[Laughs] Goodbye darling, goodbye!
NICK
[Laughs nervously]
LUCAS
I’m hungry.
BRIDGET
Nick, what is going on?
NICK
Ha, erm, Victoria’s au pair has run off with the postman! Aaagh!
BRIDGET
So?!
NICK
So, she’s got no one to look after Lucas.
ANNIE
So, why can’t she look after her own son?
NICK
Because she’s going to meet George Ducas.
HECTOR
Where?
NICK
New York.
BRIDGET
New York?!!

4
NICK
She’ll be back tomorrow!
ANNIE
Tomorrow?!
Sound of clicking from TV remote control
ANNIE
He’s very sweet, but what about my exams?
NICK
He won’t be a problem.
You won’t even notice him.
BRIDGET
We’d better not.! Ow!!

Mm, my exams are next week and I’m trying to revise.
Sound of crisp packet being opened/crunching noise/tapping noise

But this place is so noisy.
ANNIE
Hector! Stop!
BRIDGET
I don’t believe it! There is a seven-year-old boy staying with us. It’s all Nick’s fault!
VICTORIA YALLOP
Say hello to Uncle Nicky-Wicky!
BRIDGET
Ooh! I think there’s trouble ahead.
Buzzing noise
BRIDGET
Ooh!
Sound of door being opened
BRIDGET
Annie, have you seen these?
ANNIE
You showed me earlier.
BRIDGET
No, look – it’s that, that child! [Sound of discordant music]
What’s that noise?
ANNIE
Oh, Lucas is playing ball.

5
BRIDGET
Oh, is he?
LUCAS
Oh, you’ve made me do that.
BRIDGET
He’s on my bike!
ANNIE
I know.
Just don’t go in the bathroom.
ANNIE
I said, don’t go in the bathroom.
And I, I don’t know what he’s done with the toilet paper.
Charley make whimpering noise
ANNIE
Oh!
Oh poor Charley.
LUCAS
I’m hungry.
ANNIE
Nick, where have you been?
NICK
Shopping – for Lucas.
BRIDGET
Nick, you must take control of him.
NICK
Maybe I’m trying!
ANNIE
Nick, I’m trying to work, I’m trying to revise for my exams … Oh! Ooh!
Scraping noise
NICK
OK, OK, very nice, Lucas.
Maybe later?
HECTOR
I know, let’s play games.
ANNIE
Oh, I’ve got Twister.

6
LUCAS
Oh great.
ANNIE
Oh OK, boys versus girls.
Sound of accompanying music
HECTOR
So, I’ll just move my left foot over to you … whoa, it is stuck!
NICK
OK, I’ll move my hand.
Oh-hey, I, I can’t move.
BRIDGET
Nor can I!
ANNIE
Oh, what’s happening?!
NICK
Lucas, what have you done?
Lucas, come here.
Lucas, come on, Lucas
Oh please …
Scraping noise
NICK
Lucas, Lucas … oh!!

The good news is that Victoria is going to tell the Hollywood director, George Ducas, all about
me!
VICTORA
I’m going to tell him all about you!

The bad news is: her seven-year-old son, Lucas, is staying with us.
He’s cute, but he is always hungry!
LUCAS
I’m hungry.
I’m hungry.

He likes playing tricks too.

I knew Lucas would be trouble!
My bathroom is mess, he ruined my makeover photos and he plays the violin – badly!

7
ANNIE
Oh, hi Lucas.
Where have you been?
LUCAS
To the zoo.
ANNIE
Oh, where’s Nick?
LUCAS
He had to take the penguin back.
ANNIE
The penguin?
LUCAS
Yeah, it must have fallen into my bag.
ANNIE
Oh.
HECTOR
What are you listening to?
I said, what are you listening to?
LUCAS
Dog … …
HECTOR
Oh, can I listen? [Sound of music getting louder]
Hey, this is good!
Screeching noise
ANNIE
Aaah!
LUCAS
So-rr-y!
ANNIE
Hector!
HECTOR
Lucas! Come here!
Lucas, why are you so [buzzing noise] – ow!!
Hey, that’s me!
Lucas, do you want to be like me? A news reporter?
Well, to be a good news reporter you have to do everything exactly as I do.

8
Jazz type music plays in background
HECTOR
All good news readers brush their teeth.
LUCAS
Check.
HECTOR
Comb their hair …
LUCAS
Check.
HECTOR
And say goodnight.
LUCAS
I’m hungry.
Check.
Goodnight.
HECTOR
Good night sugar plum. [Sound of kissing]
LUCAS
Yuck!
HECTOR
Haven’t you got a girlfriend, Lucas?
NICK
Oh, girls are wonderful, especially Bridget!
LUCAS
Girls are yuck, especially Bridget.
NICK
Yeah well anyway, time for bed.
LUCAS
Nick, thank you for a lovely day.
NICK
Well that’s OK, little fellow.
We’ll have more fun tomorrow.
Night night.
NICK
Hah, hah, sweet kid. Hah. Aah!
How does he do that?

9
Change in sound to Bridget’s work out music/music stops abruptly
BRIDGET
I’ve had enough of you, you, little grr-grr-grr!
Short sequence of music in/out
BRIDGET
Now, sweetie, that was very good!
But Auntie Bridget thinks you should stretch more like this!
Would you like a cup of tea?
Assorted noises in background
NICK
Ah-hah!
BRIDGET
Oh, hi Nick!
This is Joe, he was just telling me about window cleaning.
NICK
So I see!
So, you want my girlfriend do you? [Sound of discordant music] Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha!
Now, ha! Thanks, Lucas! Ha-ha.
BRIDGET
Nick, Joe, stop!
NICK
No, he started it!
Hah, aah.
ANNIE
Nick, what are you doing?!
JOE
Aaah!
HECTOR
Electric shocks!
LUCAS
Check!
NICK
How do you do that?
BRIDGET
Oh, poor Joe!
Oh, I haven’t paid him! Joe!
ANNIE
Has Bridget just run off with the window cleaner.
HECTOR and NICK

Yep!

10
VICTORIA YALLOP
Cuckoo!
Anybody home! Lucas my darling, I’m back. Give your mummy a hug!
NICK
How was George?
VICTORIA YALLOP
Wonderful!
NICK
So, did you, erm, tell George about, erm, – you know
VICTORIA YALLOP
You know?
What?
NICK
[Clears throat]
Did you tell George Ducas about me?
What a good actor I am.
VICTORIA YALLOP
Oh! I’m so sorry darling, I completely forgot!
It was all so exciting!
Oh, Lucas, you’re going to have a new daddy.
George and I are going to be married.
I’m going to be Mrs George Ducas.
HECTOR
Hey! That means you are going to be Lucas Ducas!
VICTORIA YALLOP
Lucas, come with me and meet your new daddy.
Oh-hah-hah!
LUCAS
See, girls are yuck!
Buzzing noise
HECTOR
Oh!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA. Bridget gets a new computer, the boys get competitive and Annie gets a
surprise.

11
Episode 17
Narrative
ACTOR ON TV
Oh darling, no. I'll die without you.
NICK
He's Robert. He ran away with Jenny.
HECTOR
Oh no!
NICK
That’s why she can’t marry Lionel.
HECTOR
Oh, that is so sad.
NICK
I know.
HECTOR
But doesn't Jenny know that Lionel is her brother?
NICK
She had a car accident. She can't remember.
HECTOR
That is terrible! Ooh!
NICK
Quick, quick, quick, quick! Go on!
Kick it! Kick it!
BRIDGET
Football!
Hi boys.
NICK
Oh, hi, Bridget.
HECTOR
Hi, Bridget.
NICK
Oof!
BRIDGET
I need your help.
NICK
Sure.
What is it?
BRIDGET
I'm going to buy a new computer for work.
Episode 17 Cyber Stress 1

NICK
Oh! I know everything about computers.
BRIDGET
Great! I need one with a lot of gigabytes...
NICK
Uh-huh.
BRIDGET
...good RAM memory...
NICK
Hmm.
BRIDGET
...all the software compatibility and the top processor.
NICK
Hmm!
Maybe this one?
HECTOR
No, this one hasn't got what she wants.
NICK
Oh, and you understand what she wants?
HECTOR
Yeah.
You don't?
NICK
Of course I do.
HECTOR
Well, so do I.
BRIDGET
So? Have you decided which one?
NICK
Who's going to pay for it?
BRIDGET
It's for work, so they'll pay for it.
NICK
Oh, [erm,], this one then.
HECTOR
This one is the most expensive!
NICK
It's a nice colour.
HECTOR
Well, it has everything you want.
BRIDGET
Do you think more SDI sockets, or the analogue input?

NICK
Eh-hum.
BRIDGET
Oh, forget it. I'll order it now.
ANNIE
[Sound of gasping]
Oh, come on, come on!
BRIDGET
What are you doing out here?
ANNIE
Waiting for my examination results.
BRIDGET
Oh, your results are arriving today?
ANNIE
What have you done to Teddy?
BRIDGET
Hmm? Oh.
Brad Pitt is much more handsome than Teddy.
Sound of letters being posted through letterbox
ANNIE
Oh, where is it? Ah, bill, bill, nothing, nothing, bill...
Aha!
Oh, it’s not my examination results.
BRIDGET
It’s from the landlady.
ANNIE
It says we are too noisy.
BRIDGET
Noisy? She's written to the wrong apartment. My new computer's here! Well, Nick? Open it.
Sound of screaming
BRIDGET
We’re never noisy!
Sound of paper being torn up
BRIDGET
My new computer’s here! Well, Nick! [Sound of clicking fingers] Open it!
NICK
Why me?
BRIDGET
Nails.
NICK
Whoa!
HECTOR & BRIDGET

Wow!

NICK
Oh!
BRIDGET
Anything else?
HECTOR
Well, it's a very big box. Aha! Aha!
BRIDGET
What's that?
HECTOR
Hmm, I think it's the instructions.
BRIDGET
Great. Have fun.
NICK
Wait! Where are you going?
BRIDGET
Shopping. You better have finished when I get back.
NICK
Better have finished what?
BRIDGET
Installing the computer.
You do know everything about computers, don't you?
NICK
Hah! No problem.
HECTOR
Oh! The instructions are all in English.
NICK
Ah-ah-ah - look. Oh, Hector, here's a Spanish version. Oh yes....
HECTOR
Oh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
NICK
Right, let's do it. Or don't you know how to do it?!
HECTOR
I could do it with my eyes closed!
NICK
Hah!
Well, instructions are for girls!
NICK
Oh yeah!
I am the man!!
HECTOR
Yeah, but I did all the work.

NICK
You?
Huh! I did it.
HECTOR
Huh! I am the computer king.
NICK
Oh yeah?
HECTOR
Yeah.
NICK
You think you can beat me?
HECTOR
Huh! I already did.
NICK
Computers are easy. How about a real challenge?
HECTOR
Whatever challenge you like.
NICK
Right. Hah!
Man Olympics.
Challenge One: Who can put the most marshmallows in his mouth?!
HECTOR
Marsh...?
NICK
...mallows. Look, one. Hmm!
HECTOR & NICK

One, two, three, ... four ... ... ... ....

Hi, Chrissy! Soon I'll be emailing you on my new computer.
BRIDGET
I’m going to buy a new computer for work.
NICK
Oh!

The boys are helping me and they seem to know everything about computers.
HECTOR
No, this one hasn't got what she wants.
NICK
Oh, and you understand what she wants?

Nadia, I don't know whether I've passed or failed!
ANNIE
Come on, come on!

If I don’t know my examination results soon, I will go crazy!
ANNIE
Oh where is it?!!
NICK
How about a real challenge?

Ten! Ten marshmallows I stuffed in my mouth – two more than Hector.
HECTOR
One.

He's not the man. I am. By the way, do you know anything about computers?
NICK
Well, instructions are for girls!
ANNIE
[Puffing and blowing noises/sound of paper being rustled]
BRIDGET
What's that? Love letters?
ANNIE
No, I've got all the letters delivered to this building.
BRIDGET
You've got the neighbours' letters?
ANNIE
Uh-huh. I'm sure my examination results are here.
BRIDGET
Where are the boys?
Ohhhh, they've installed my computer!
ANNIE
I think so.
Sound of toilet flushing
BRIDGET
Is that normal?
ANNIE
Bridget!!
BRIDGET
Nick? Hector? What are you doing?
NICK
Man Olympics. Challenge Two.
BRIDGET
What kind of a challenge?
NICK
Who can go the longest without, you know.... [sound of whistling]

BRIDGET
Falling down? Sneezing? Jumping?
HECTOR
No, no. Without going..., without doing...,
BRIDGET
Ohh! You want to spend a penny?
HECTOR
Spend a penny? I don't want to go shopping!
NICK
No, no, no. She means... [sound of whistling]
BRIDGET
Stop thinking about your challenge and follow me.
ANNIE
Maybe I've passed! [Sound of musical fanfare]
Maybe I've failed. [Sound of low key music/burping noise]
Sound of door opening/closing
BRIDGET
You're not going anywhere until it works.
NICK
Ooh! Oh, no!
HECTOR
Here, let me try.
NICK
Oh, you think you can do better.
HECTOR
I know I can do better.
NICK
Huh!!
HECTOR
I know a way from my country.
NICK
Really?
HECTOR
Really. My father taught me.
Banging sound
NICK
Hmm. Yes, we have that way in England too.
Banging sound
ANNIE
Oh, hi guys.
NICK
Hi.
Damn! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ah! Whooo! Whooo! Whooo! Hooo!

Assorted banging/buzzing/screeching noises
BRIDGET
Oh no! What happened?
NICK
It was like that before.
BRIDGET
It was not like that before.
NICK
Sorry.
BRIDGET
What are you doing?
HECTOR
Man Olympics. Challenge Three.
Dialling sound/mobile phone
BRIDGET
Hi, I need a man. No, you idiot! I need a man to fix the computer I bought. Tomorrow? Good. And I'd
like him to be tall, dark, handsome.
Great, thanks. Bye. At last, a real man.

Chrissy! I had to call a man to repair my new computer!
BRIDGET
Hi, I need a man.

It’s crazy! What happened to it?
NICK
It was like that before.

I think Nick and Hector know.
BRIDGET
It was not like that before!
NICK
Sorry. Grrr! Hector thinks he can win the Man Olympics.
BRIDGET
Grrr!

Hector thinks he can win the Man Olympics. Huh!
NICK
New challenge: to get as many girls to call us as possible.
Luckily my sister Mel has got loads of friends, so Hector does not stand a chance!

Sound of phone ringing
BRIDGET
Oh, it's Nick's phone.
RECORDED MESSAGE
You have 23 new messages. Message 1: Hi bro, I've got all my friends to call you. Oh, I hear you and
Bridget are history. That's great news. I didn't like her anyway. Message 2: Hi, Nick. Izzie here.
Melanie asked me to give you a call. I hear you and Bridget are history.
Sound of phone ringing
BRIDGET
Hello, what?
Nicky Wick-wick is not here. Oh, is that Emma? Nick's told me all about you. Yeah. You and your
moustache.
Sound of phone and mobile ringing simultaneously
BRIDGET
Arrggh!Nick!
ANNIE
Mr Postman?
HECTOR
Man Olympics, Challenge Five.
NICK
Yeah. Ooh, errgghh, tug-of-war to see who is the strongest..., aahh, errghhh, oohhh.
NICK & HECTOR

Aaah!! … Ooohh!!
BRIDGET
They had a tug-of-war here?
ANNIE
Yes. They are so stupid!
BRIDGET
Who won?
ANNIE
I won.
BRIDGET
What's wrong?
ANNIE
I want my examination results. Oh, where's the post?
BRIDGET
Calm down.
ANNIE
The postman!

BRIDGET
The computer man! Well, hello there. Come in!
POSTMAN
But...
BRIDGET
I know what you're going to say.
POSTMAN
But....
BRIDGET
It was like that when I bought it. So what do you think?
POSTMAN
It looks broken.
BRIDGET
Well, can you repair it?
POSTMAN
No.
BRIDGET
You can't repair it?
POSTMAN
No.
BRIDGET
You don't know how to?
POSTMAN
No.
BRIDGET
Well, how can you be a repairman then?
POSTMAN
I'm not.
BRIDGET
You're not a repairman?
POSTMAN
No.
BRIDGET
Well, what are you then?
POSTMAN
I deliver special letters.
ANNIE
My letter! Oh!
POSTMAN
Annie Taylor?
ANNIE
Yes!

POSTMAN
This is for you.
ANNIE
Ohhhh! Yes! Ohh!
NICK
Man Olympics, new challenge. First one to get - ti-ti-ti-ti - Annie's letter!
Barn dance style atmospheric music
ANNIE
It's mine! Oooh, I can't look! You read it.
HECTOR
Pass!
COMPUTER REPAIRMAN [= PETER]

Computer problem, miss? I can fix anything.
BRIDGET
My hero! Oh, thank goodness you're here.
HECTOR, NICK, ANNIE & BRIDGET

Aaah!
HECTOR
Oh, how did he do that?
ANNIE
Peter?
PETER
Annie?
ANNIE
It is you!
PETER
Yes!
ANNIE
Oh, he's Peter, an old friend. Oh, it was so clever of you to fix the computer.
BRIDGET
Good-looking and intelligent. A rare combina....tion.
NICK
Right! That's it!
Man Olympics!
HECTOR
New challenge.
PETER
What challenge?
NICK
Let’s see who the real men are. Hector and me, or you two.

POSTMAN
OK …
PETER
… What's the challenge?
ANNIE
Let us decide.
BRIDGET
Yes, we'll decide.
Sound of drumming
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Annie gets a new job, so does Hector, and why does Nick become a beauty
queen?

Episode 18
Narrative
ANNIE
"Dear Miss Taylor, Thank you for your recent CV, but at present we haven't got anything to suit your
talents." Ohh! "Dear Miss Taylor, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah." How surprising - blurrrhh. Grrrr!
What is the point of all that studying if I cannot get a job? Right, last one. Paws crossed, Charley.
"Dear Miss Taylor..."
NICK
What is the point of having a car if you cannot park?
ANNIE
"Thank you for your recent letter."
NICK
She's got four eyes and reptile skin.
ANNIE
"We are very pleased to tell you..."
NICK
She sees your car...
ANNIE
"...that you have been successful..."
NICK
...she slides over to it. She's got you!
ANNIE
"...in your application as a..."
NICK
Oh yes, she is the....
NICK & ANNIE

Traffic warden!
NICK
Correct.
ANNIE
What?
NICK
I’ve just got a ticket.
ANNIE
I've just got a job!
NICK
Ohhh! As a traffic warden?
Annie, you'll be one of them.
Episode 18 Just the Ticket 1

HECTOR
One of who?
NICK
Annie is going to be a traffic warden.
ANNIE
Well, I have to pass the entrance exam first.
HECTOR
What is a traffic warden?
NICK
Someone who spoils your day.
ANNIE
A traffic warden is someone who stops stupid people parking their stupid cars in stupid places.
NICK
See? It's started.
HECTOR
Hmm, I didn't know you wanted to be a traffic warden.
ANNIE
I didn't know either, but no one else would have me.
HECTOR
Awww.
ANNIE
But it is good for the environment to reduce the cars on our roads.
HECTOR
So you will have another exam?
ANNIE
Yeah, another exam.
NICK
Ah, well, don't worry. I can help. I've got experience of traffic wardens.
OK, Hector, you can be the driver and I will be the traffic warden!
HECTOR
OK.
NICK
You can't park there.
HECTOR
Yes, I can.
NICK
No, you can't.
HECTOR
Yes, I can.
NICK
No, you can't.
HECTOR
Yes, I can, because this is a bus stop and I am driving a bus. Beep-beep!

NICK
Oh, the excuses I hear.
HECTOR
Oh, sorry, sorry. Emergency appointment. Bad leg.
NICK
Ohhh. Which leg?
HECTOR
No, no, no, it's not me. It's my hamster.
NICK
Ohh, sweet.
HECTOR
Huh? Oh, oh, sorry, Eric! Eric?
Er-hem, surely we can come to some arrangement?
NICK
Oh, of course we can, sir.
You can pay for the ticket, I can go home for my tea.
HECTOR
Sorry, sorry, but I was late for lunch and there was no place to park. But surely we can sort this out?
When a beautiful woman meets a handsome man.
NICK
Well, you're in my little black book now, darling.
HECTOR
Rrrrrrr!
Hey, I've only been two minutes!
NICK
Well, I have started, so I'll finish!
HECTOR
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Sorry, I got stuck up a chimney, ha-ha-ha-ha!
NICK
Yes, and there are fairies at the bottom of my garden, sir.
HECTOR
Rudolf! … Rudolf!!
NICK
See? Now you know what to expect.
ANNIE
I can't wait.
BRIDGET
Late ironing - penalty £20. Late washing-up - penalty £5. Oh, Annie. I need a drink. I don't believe it.
She's clamped the fridge.
HECTOR
Did you have a good day, Bridget?
BRIDGET
Yes, I did.

NICK
Why is the TV moved?
BRIDGET
Oh?
Annie towed it away this morning. No licence.
NICK
Oh.
BRIDGET
Really, Hector, you must talk to her. She's too serious about this traffic warden exam.
HECTOR
I do try, but if I stop to talk to her, she gives me a parking ticket!
BRIDGET
Anyway, exciting news. Channel Nine is presenting the Miss Eurobabe Beauty Contest.
NICK
Wow!
BRIDGET
And guess who Eunice wants to present the show?
HECTOR
Me!
BRIDGET
You, Hector! I could enter the contest myself, but I might...
NICK
… Frighten the judges?
BRIDGET
...Win. The programme will need my expertise.
NICK
And mine!
BRIDGET
So will you present the show, Hector?
HECTOR
When is it?
BRIDGET
Next Friday.
HECTOR
Oh, that's the day of Annie's exam.
NICK
Ooh, a double contest then!
BRIDGET
But you'll be OK. I'll help you.
NICK
Oh, think of those babes!
BRIDGET
It's my job to give you all the information about the girls, so nothing can go wrong.

HECTOR
Well, OK then.
BRIDGET
Good, great.
NICK
So, when do we start?
BRIDGET
We?
NICK
Well, Hector will need an interpreter to help him talk to all those babes.
BRIDGET
Nick, you're not getting involved in this show.

I got a parking ticket today. Traffic wardens - grrrr!
NICK
What is the point of having a car if you cannot park?!

I'm going to be a traffic warden!
HECTOR
What is a traffic warden?
NICK
Someone who spoils your day.

It's a very important job.
It's good for the environment to reduce the cars on our roads.
HECTOR
Oh, sorry, sorry, but I was late for lunch and there wasn't a place to park.

There are some very stupid people out there.
HECTOR
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Exciting news from Channel Nine. The Miss Eurobabe Beauty Contest.
NICK
Wow!
BRIDGET
And guess who Eunice wants to present the show?
HECTOR
Me!
ANNIE
You, Hector!

Hector is presenting it, but he'll be OK, because the contestants are my responsibility. Nothing can
go wrong.
HECTOR
Well, OK then.
BRIDGET
Great.
ANNIE
You have a very difficult job.
You are right.
But a very important job.
Oh, thank you, sir.
No, I mean it.
I know, but I’ve still got to give you a ticket.
That's OK. It's your job.
There you are, sir. Have a nice day!
Thank you. And you.
How nice to meet a reasonable customer.
Assorted puffing noises
BRIDGET
Why are you dressed to go to war, Annie?
ANNIE
I'm going for my traffic warden exam.
BRIDGET
Are you expecting trouble?
ANNIE
There are a lot of difficult motorists out there. Oh. What have you got there?
BRIDGET
It's the information for the Eurobabe contestants.
ANNIE
Oh.
BRIDGET
Hector must learn what each girl likes and dislikes.
ANNIE
Anything interesting?
BRIDGET
Let's see. She likes children and animals. She likes children and animals. She likes children and
animals. Aha! This one's different.
Miss Holland Babe. She likes reading and her ambition - is to learn to read. Oh, here's another one.
Miss Belgium Babe. Her ambition is to go to the moon.
ANNIE
But she doesn’t like flying!
Well, it should be an exciting show!
BRIDGET
I hope so.
Well at least Hector is ready for it!
NICK
And so am I!

BRIDGET
Nick, I said no.
Audience applause
BRIDGET
Cue Hector.
HECTOR
Good evening and a very warm well...come to Channel Nine's Eurobabe Contest live!
BRIDGET
Yes, OK, get on with it!
HECTOR
Have we got some lovely ladies for you tonight. Have we?
BRIDGET
Yes, of course we have.
HECTOR
Oh, oh, yes, yes, we have. Of course we have.
So let's meet our lovely contestants eager to wear the Channel Nine Eurobabe Crown!
BRIDGET
Nick, get off now. Nick! Get off now! If you don't get off by the time I count to three, I will cut off your
ears!
One - two...
HECTOR
Comedy, ha-ha-ha-ha!
BRIDGET
Cue, Miss Sweden …
HECTOR
So let's meet our first contestant! Miss Swedenbabe! .. ... .. ... Miss Swedenbabe! Ha-ha-ha!
BRIDGET
This is why I didn't want you here. What's that? Miss Englandbabe is where?
She's been clamped? Well, tell her to get a taxi then.
She won't leave her Porsche? I'll come and get her.
Who's going to do this?
Listen to me. You have one simple job. You must tell Hector who each girl is. Their names are on
these cards. Got it?
Do not mess it up.
NICK
Who, me?
HECTOR
Thank you, Miss Swedenbabe!
NICK
Miss Finlandbabe!
HECTOR
Miss Finlandbabe! ... ... ....., Miss Finland baby! Oh! ... ... Well, good luck with the elephants! Thank
you, Miss Finland baby!
NICK
Miss Spainbabe!

HECTOR
Miss Spainbabe! …………….., Miss Spainbabe.
Oh, you are not Miss Spainbabe. .... .... Oh...., oh..., oh.
So Miss Italybabe, it says here that your hobbies are children and animals.
Fascinating.
ANNIE
... ... ... of London.
Yes! It's your favourite traffic warden. It's me! I passed! Oh, where is everybody? Ohhh, the Eurobabe
Contest.
HECTOR
Well, good luck with the dolphins. Thank you, Miss Italybabe! Miss Hungarybabe!! .... ... ... ...., Miss
Hungarybabe! Are you hungary? Are you hungary? Oh, you are not Miss Hungarybabe.
So welcome, Miss Ono. Bienvenue, Miss France baby. La belle.
BRIDGET
How's it going?
NICK
Very well, no problems.
She's a bit emotional, I think.
BRIDGET
We've got big problems.
Miss Englandbabe will not come here. She's broken a nail.
NICK
Ooh, nasty.
BRIDGET
But we've got to have a Miss Englandbabe. We are in London.
Yes, Eunice? Right away, Eunice. Eunice wants to see me - now. Think of something, Nick, and fast!

The good news is: Hector is doing a fantastic job presenting the Miss Eurobabe Contest.
HECTOR
Eager to wear the Channel Nine Eurobabe crown!

The bad news is: Miss England babe is not here.
BRIDGET
Miss Englandbabe is where?

Her Porsche got clamped, Eunice wants to see me and I’ve had to leave Nick in charge!
NICK
Miss Spainbabe!

It's all going wrong. He better think of something - fast.
BRIDGET
Think of something, Nick, and fast!

Guess what? Hector and I are working on the Miss Eurobabe Contest! Wow! All those babes! Bridget
has left me in charge. She's a bit emotional, I think. One problem: there is no Miss England babe.
NICK
She’s a bit emotional, I think.

One problem - there is no Miss Englandbabe.
BRIDGET
She's broken a nail.
NICK
Ooh, nasty.

But I think I have the solution.
HECTOR
And we come to our last contestant in this fantastic Eurobabe Contest! Last but not least, it is..., it is....
oh! Of course!
It is Miss Englandbabe! Welcome, Miss England.
Welcome.
NICK
Thank you, thank you.
HECTOR
Well, let's find out about you. You like pizzas....
NICK
Uh-huh.
HECTOR
...rock 'n roll and motorbikes. My kind of girl!
And dancing with women. I think you mean 'men'. Dancing with....
BRIDGET
Nick!
Sound of applause
BRIDGET
What do you think you’re doing?
NICK
Well, you said you needed a Miss Englandbabe fast.
BRIDGET
I meant a woman.
ANNIE
Ooh, nice legs, Nick.
NICK
Thanks, Annie.
BRIDGET
Hi, Annie.

HECTOR
Thank you Miss Englandbabe.
Oh, and next, we find out why our babies want to represent their country.
ANNIE
There are beautiful women everywhere.
NICK
I know!
BRIDGET
Miss Englandbabe is still missing! What are we going to do?
Eunice said she'll fire me if I don't find someone.
ANNIE
Oh, no! No.
BRIDGET
Bingo!
NICK
Hey!
HECTOR
Oh, I hear we have a replacement for our last contestant. It is the new Miss England babe!
So tell me, Miss England baby, why do you want to represent your country?
ANNIE
I want to represent England because I care about the environment, pollution.
I care about people. And I have great legs!
Sound of applause/whistling
HECTOR
And the winner of the Channel Nine Eurobabe Contest is... Miss England baby!
Congratulations, Annie! You did it! You are the most beautiful traffic warden in Europe!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Nick gets a job in a kung fu movie, Bridget nearly loses her job, and what
happens when Annie meets a new man?

Episode 19
Narrative
BRIDGET
Ricky Chung – so sexy!
ANNIE
Ricky Chung?
BRIDGET
You know. [Makes Kung Fu style noises]
ANNIE
I hate violence.
BRIDGET
I hate violence too – but I love Ricky Chung.
NICK
Ha-ha, Hector, I tell you, this is a very old English tradition.
HECTOR
Really?
NICK
Really.
Now, put your blindfold on. No looking, OK?
ANNIE
What is Nick doing?
Sound of drink cans being moved on kitchen work surface
BRIDGET
You know, being a genius!
NICK
Right.
Right, now you can choose one.
HECTOR
Aaah!! [Sound of can being opened]
Sound of laughter
ANNIE
Nick, what are you doing? Our floor!
NICK
Well we must teach Hector how to be English.
Episode 19 Kung Fu Fighting

1
BRIDGET
Not an English idiot.
HECTOR
OK Nick, now is your turn.
NICK
Hmm – ah.
Sound of cans being shaken
HECTOR
… And this is an old English tradition … !
Sound of laughter
NICK
… You need a shower!
HECTOR
I think I already have had one!
Sound of laughter/telephone rings
NICK
That’ll be for me!
ANNIE
How do you know?
Hello. Oh, Yes, it is for you, Nick.
NICK
Naturally.
Hello. Oh hi. Yeah. Yeah!! Really, great! I’ll prepare for it! Bye.
ANNIE
Nick, why do you always use our number.
You’re so, so …
BRIDGET
… Idiotic, stupid, vain, choose one.
NICK
I have just got an audition for the new nwa!! - Ricky Chung film!
BRIDGET
As I was saying, you’re so clever, wonderful, brilliant.
Ricky Chung.
NICK
Ye-ah, Wicky-Chung. Wooh!
BRIDGET
I always knew you’d make it to the top!

2
BRIDGET
Ricky Chung.
Nick’s going to be in a film – with Ricky Chung!
ANNIE
Wait a minute. He only has an audition.
BRIDGET
Oh, I’m sure he’ll get it, then I can interview Ricky Chung …
Sound of Kung Fu style noises
BRIDGET
Ah, maybe Ricky’ll fancy me.
ANNIE
You?! In your dreams!
BRIDGET
Ricky and Bridget. Houses in London, Hong Kong …
ANNIE
… Yeah, you’ll have a house in London and he’ll have a house in Hong Kong!
BRIDGET
I should get an oriental style, new clothes, come shopping with me?
ANNIE
I can’t.
BRIDGET
You can’t come shopping?
ANNIE
I have a group meeting. Animal lovers against violence.
BRIDGET
And is Hector going with you?
ANNIE
Ah, Hector.
BRIDGET
What about Hector?
ANNIE
Well, I’ve been thinking about our relationship.
HECTOR
Ow!
ANNIE
Wimp!!
HECTOR
But Hector’s a good man!
He ironed your trousers!

3
ANNIE
Yes. Yes he did.
BRIDGET
Hello.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, hello Bridget. How are you?
BRIDGET
Eunice! Erm, very well, thanks.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh good.
Erm, Channel Nine has to lose people.
BRIDGET
I know. I heard.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
And, guess who is the first person to go?!
BRIDGET
Who?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Yo-u! You’re fired. Ciao!
BRIDGET
Oh wait, oh bu…, but-but-but I’m getting an interview with Ricky Chung!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh.
Ricky Chung, hmm.
Mm, if you get the interview, you keep your job.
No pressure.
HECTOR
Hi Annie.
I’ve just been watching Charlotte’s Kitchen on television.
ANNIE
Oh, not again!
HECTOR
Look, I’ve made you a cake.
ANNIE
A cake?
HECTOR
Ahm.

4
ANNIE
Really?
HECTOR
Aha. Here, try a piece.
ANNIE
Oh, OK. [Sound of crunching]
What’s this?
HECTOR
Flower.
ANNIE
Flower?
HECTOR
Ahm.
ANNIE
Why?
HECTOR
Well Charlotte said you have to put some flour in the cake.
ANNIE [Sighs]
No Hector. Some flour. Some flow-ers!
HECTOR
Well still, hmm, tastes good, doesn’t it, uh?
NICK
Hey, Hector, I have got an audition for the new Ricky Chung film!
HECTOR
Wow!
NICK
Wow, yeah!
HECTOR
Yeah!
NICK
Superb!
HECTOR
Superb!
NICK
Wooh!
HECTOR
One question.
NICK
Ay?

5
HECTOR
Who is Ricky Chung?
NICK
You know – Ricky … [makes Kung Fu style noise]
HECTOR
Oh, Ricky Chung.
NICK
Yeah!
HECTOR
I know him!
NICK
Ah!
HECTOR
He was in the Chinese restaurant …
NICK
No, no, no! Look – I will show you Ricky – nwa! … Chung!
Assorted noises from Kung Fu film on TV
NICK
So, will you help me to prepare?
HECTOR
I would love to!

You won’t believe this, I have got an audition for the new Ricky Chung film!
NICK
Nwa! - Ricky Chung film.

Look out Hollywood: Nick’s your new man!
NICK
Superb!
HECTOR
Superb!
NICK
Ooh!

Hector did a stupid thing today.
He baked a cake with a flower inside it!
ANNIE
What’s this?

6
HECTOR
Flower.

Yes!
I’m going to interview Ricky Chung!
The Ricky Chung.
BRIDGET
Then I can interview Ricky Chung.

Ah, we are made for each other.
I love everything oriental and he will love everything about me!
BRIDGET
Ricky and Bridget!
RICHARD
I hate violence, violence makes me sick.
ANNIE
Wonderful!
I totally agree, Richard.
RICHARD
But I love animals.
ANNIE
I love animals too!
You must come and meet my dog, Charley.
RICHARD
We have so much in common.
ANNIE
I know! [Sound of laughter]
ANNIE
Hector, come and sit down. I think we should talk.
HECTOR
OK.
What do you want to talk about?
ANNIE
I think we should see other people.
HECTOR
See other people?
ANNIE
Ahm.

7
HECTOR
But I see other people. I see Bridget, I see Nick, I see the postman.
ANNIE
No, I mean we should ‘see’ other people.
HECTOR
Oh. Fine!
BRIDGET
Hey guys, help me prepare my interview with Ricky Chung!
ANNIE
Bridget, it’s not a good time.
HECTOR
No, no, it is a very good time.
Sit down, Bridget.
BRIDGET
So, you are Ricky Chung.
HECTOR
I am Ricky Chung.
BRIDGET
Yes.
HECTOR
And who are you?
BRIDGET
[Laughing]]
I’m me, silly!
BRIDGET & HECTOR

[Laughing]
BRIDGET
So, Ricky.
HECTOR
Ahm.
BRIDGET
What kind of – women do you like?
ANNIE
Well, I like beautiful women – like you.
BRIDGET
Cor-rect answer!
And tell me, Ricky, do you – have a girlfriend now?

8
HECTOR
Well, erm …
BRIDGET
Sweetie …
HECTOR
Erm …
BRIDGET
Oh, Ricky.
Atmospheric noise
NICK
Hector, hold this.
Aaah-yeow-aw!!
Hah! Right!
Now I want you to attack me.
HECTOR
Attack you?
NICK
Yeah.
Slapping noise
NICK
Not now.
HECTOR
So when?
NICK
It must be a surprise.
HECTOR
Why?
NICK
So I must always be ready.
NICK & HECTOR

Aah!
Slapping noise
NICK
Good, very good! Aha!
I am feeling good! Ah, yes!
I’m feeling fit!!
Ay …yeaw!!
ANNIE
Nick, are you being violent?

9
NICK
Erm, no, hah!
Oh thanks, must go. It’s my audition.
Further sound of door slamming
Assorted Kung Fu style noises
CASTING DIRECTOR
OK Nick.
OK Nick, let’s see what you can do.
Assorted noises
CASTING DIRECTOR
Excellent, excellent!
NICK
What?
CASTING DIRECTOR
You’ve got the part.
NICK
I have?
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
CASTING DIRECTOR
Next.
Atmospheric music
‘RICKY CHUNG’
Hey baby.
BRIDGET
Oh!
Nick.
NICK
You are looking at the new Ricky Chung!
BRIDGET
Oh-ho-ho- oh … Nick, that’s wonderful!
Oh, Ricky, Ricky Chung!
Sound of drum roll/shouting/thumping noises
NICK
What are you doing? Are you crazy?
HECTOR
But you told me to attack you.

10
NICK
But not now – not now!
Ah!!
Sound of drum roll
NICK
Amateurs!
BRIDGET
So, when can I?
NICK
What?!
BRIDGET
Meet him!
NICK
Who?
BRIDGET
Ricky Chung!
NICK
Oh.

Nadia, I have great news!
I met a new man – Richard.
He is so sweet. He hates violence and loves animals!
RICHARD
But I love animals.
ANNIE
I love animals too!

Hector£ Oh, well, Hector is … Hector!
ANNIE
Ah Hector.

I can’t meet you today, Dan, I have to practise.
You have to be very professional to work with Ricky Chung.
NICK
I am feeling good … …

Hector’s helping me to prepare.
NICK
Owww!

11
Not now, Hector!
HECTOR
So when?
Atmospheric music
NICK
Mm, Ricky Chung.
Hi, I’m Nick.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Oh Nick, Ricky never talks at work.
NICK
Oh, ah, very professional.
Hah, so what do you want me to do? Hah!
CASTING DIRECTOR
You stand still.
NICK
OK.
Assorted thumping noises/groaning
CASTING DIRECTOR
Excellent.
NICK
What is this?!
CASTING DIRECTOR
This is your role.
NICK
Bu-bu-but, we are partners!
CASTING DIRECTOR
Partners?
NICK
Yes, we, we fight the criminals together.
CASTING DIRECTOR
No, no, no, you play the stupid friend!
NICK
The stupid friend?!
CASTING DIRECTOR
Exactly.
NICK
Oh.

12
CASTING DIRECTOR
Right, let’s try it again.
Ricky, action.
Assorted atmospheric noises
BRIDGET
So how was your first day with Ricky?
NICK
Great!
We get on very well.
BRIDGET
There must be so much to learn.
NICK
Oh yeah!
I taught Ricky a lot today.
BRIDGET
Ricky!
Ah!
Sound of drum roll/atmospheric noises/thumping/shouting
CASTING DIRECTOR
OK, Nick, bend over.
NICK
Excuse me?
CASTING DIRECTOR
I said, bend over.
NICK
I thought so. Ah-ah. Hmm.
Ow!! Ah-ah!
Sound of ambulance siren
NICK
Hello nurse!
Could I have a bath please?
Sound of curtain being drawn back
NICK
Oh, ha, hi Bridget. Ow!
BRIDGET
So, when can I meet Ricky?
NICK
Erm …

13
BRIDGET
No Ricky?
No interview.
No interview – no job! Ow!!
ANNIE
Oh, poor Nick!
RICHARD [Ricky]
Nick, how are you feeling?
NICK
Rick?!
ANNIE
Richard?
RICHARD
Annie?
ANNIE
Well what are you doing here?
This is Richard. I met him at my protest group.
BRIDGET
Ah!
Ricky Chung!! Oh please, please can I have an interview?!
ANNIE
Bridget, this isn’t Ricky Chung, this is Richard.
NICK
No, no, no, this is Ricky Chung.
ANNIE
Richard?
RICHARD
… Ricky Chung is my film name.
ANNIE
But, I thought you hated violence.
You lied to me, Ricky!
Sound of drum roll/Kung Fu style noises
HECTOR
I brought you some cake.
NICK
Thanks, Hector.
ANNIE
Oh Hector, will you forgive me?
HECTOR
Of course.

14
BRIDGET
How fascinating.
Anti-violence, and a Kung Fu star!
Oh, it’ll make a great interview!
Eunice will love it!
And so will I!!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA.
Charley enters a dog show, Bridget’s got a new boyfriend and guess who’s in trouble with the
police!
EXTRA, don’t miss it!

15
Episode 20
Narrative
NICK
Charley, look at that! Hah!
HECTOR
Hola, Charley.
NICK
Ugh!
HECTOR
What’s wrong?
NICK
Shaving cream!
Whipping cream!
Hector …
HECTOR
Ah?
NICK
… Next time you go shopping – kitchen/bathroom, OK.
HECTOR
Bathroom/kitchen, got it.
NICK
Hmm.
HECTOR
What are you watching?
NICK
Ha! It’s a dog show. Oh I like that!
HECTOR
I didn’t know you liked dogs.
NICK
Ha? I don’t like dogs.
I like those women with their dogs.
Sound of Charley barking
NICK
Oh, oh, Charley likes the dog – huh-huh! Hah! The lady dogs!
Episode 20 Every Dog has its Day

1
Laughter
VOICE ON TV
You can enter the dog show this year and win two thousand pounds!!
Sound of applause
NICK
What?
Hector, slap me.
Slapping noise
NICK
How much did she say?
HECTOR
Two thousand pounds.
NICK
Whoo-hey! We must enter this dog show with Charley.
Sound of camera shutters clicking
HECTOR
All right, let’s do it!
NICK
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Oh no!
ANNIE
Hello! Earth to Bridget, EARTH TO BRIDGET!
BRIDGET!
What are you looking for?
BRIDGET
Erm, my new tee shirt, I’m meeting my boyfriend …
ANNIE
What? Whoa-whoa-whoa!
What boyfriend?!
BRIDGET
Oh! [Clapping noise]
My new boyfriend!
ANNIE
Tell me everything.
BRIDGET
Well, his name’s Philip, he’s very elegant and erm, …
NICK
Hey, hey, hey, hey – Annie we’ve had a really- good -idea!

2
HECTOR
Wait, careful.
NICK
[Makes yawning noise]
HECTOR
We’ve just seen a dog show on TV.
NICK
Oh yeah, that’s right, a really good dog show.
NICK & HECTOR

Mmm.
HECTOR
Do you like dog shows, Annie?
ANNIE
I – hate them! They are cruel!
NICK
Not all dog shows, Annie.
ANNIE
Yes, Nick – all dog shows. They are, they are horrible.
You have to respect animals.
HECTOR
Yeah-yeah, yeah.
NICK
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you are so right Annie, hmm, hmm, hmm.
Sound of door closing
HECTOR
So what shall we do?
NICK
We will have to train Charley ourselves – without Annie knowing – hah, ha-ha-ha.
HECTOR
Ha-ha-ha – oh!
NICK
Hey!
HECTOR
Hey!
NICK
Forget that, read this.
HECTOR
What?
‘How to train your dog’.

3
NICK
Now, we can train Charley.
Charley, here boy!
HECTOR
Sit. [Clears throat]
Sit. Good dog! Good trainer.
NICK
Oh, Charley’s not there.
HECTOR
Charley’s not there?
NICK
Annie has taken him to the vet.
HECTOR
The vet?
NICK
The vet. The animal doctor.
HECTOR
Well, we can still start training.
NICK
We can? How?
Sit!
I said ‘sit’ – sit, good boy, good boy.
Now, roll over. Roll over. Good dog Charley. Roll over, roll over Hector. Good boy! Good boy!
Good boy, Hector!
Now, now, I, I want to be the dog.
HECTOR
No, no, I am the dog.
Sound of overlapping speech/growling noises
BRIDGET
Ah! I don’t know these people!
HECTOR & NICK

Hi, Bridget!
BRIDGET
Erm, well they’re not my friends …
PHILIP
Ha, what are they doing?
NICK
Erm, well you’ve heard of yoga.
PHILIP
Yes.

4
NICK
Well this is a new type of yoga, dog yoga.
HECTOR
Yeah, dog yoga, erm, do-ga!
Sound of growling and hissing noises/sighing
PHILIP
Fantastic! Come on Bridget, introduce me to these spiritual boys!
BRIDGET
Philip – erm, Hector and Nick.
PHILIP
Are dogs allowed on the sofa!!
Sound of laughter
BRIDGET
Maybe we should eat out!
Come on, Philip.
NICK
I don’t like that man.
HECTOR
I don’t think he likes you either!
ANNIE
Was that Bridget’s new boyfriend?
HECTOR
Yep.
NICK
That’s right, Charley, he’s a bad man, top dog.

Chrissy! I’ve met a wonderful man!
ANNIE
Tell me everything!

Well he’s everything I want. Elegant, handsome, intelligent …
Sound of laughter

… And very unlike Nick!

5
Dan! I know how to earn two thousand pounds with Charley – Annie’s dog.
NICK
No! Not selling it! Winning a dog show competition.
Sound of camera shutters clicking
NICK
The perfect plan!
HECTOR
Let’s do it!
NICK
Yes!

Oh, and Bridget has met a new man.
PHILIP
Fantastic!

Huh! Even Charley is not impressed!
NICK
That’s right, Charley, he’s a bad man.
HECTOR
Hup! Hup!
NICK
Ow! Hmm!
ANNIE
Come on, Charley.
NICK
Erm, Wa-wait, where are you taking him?
ANNIE
For a walk.
NICK
Time to train Charley.
[Clears throat] Let me take him.
ANNIE
You’ll take him for his walk?
NICK
Yeah.

6
ANNIE
OK.
Where’s the kettle?
Bridget!
NICK
I’ll buy Charley a nice ribbon, then the lady dogs will lurve him, whoo!
NICK
Hey, Charley, come on, walkies!
Assorted noises from Charley
HECTOR
Hey Nick! Catch!
Sound of growling
ANNIE
Bridget, that’s my Walkman.
BRIDGET
Well you take my things!
ANNIE
I don’t take your things!
BRIDGET
Yes you do!
Where’s my necklace then?!
ANNIE
I haven’t got your necklace.
BRIDGET
Well I think you have - and my photo frame.
ANNIE
I haven’t got your photo frame.
BRIDGET
Yes you have.
ANNIE
No I haven’t!
BRIDGET/ANNIE
Yes you have/no I haven’t! Yes you have/ooh!
HECTOR
Girls, girls, please.
BRIDGET
Don’t touch my things!

7
ANNIE
Hello, hello! I didn’t touch your things!
HECTOR
Sit!
Sound of doors slamming
NICK
Whoo-hoo! Annie is so angry! What have you done?
HECTOR
Me? Nothing. She has been fighting with Bridget.
NICK
Oh, the girls have been fighting!
I missed it!
HECTOR
Anyway, how was your walk with Charley?
NICK
Great! Women love Charley!
WOMAN
Oh Nick, what a handsome dog you have!
NICK
Hey, look, I’ve brought him a ribbon for the show! Ha!
HECTOR
And where is he?
NICK
Where is who?
HECTOR
Charley, the dog.
NICK
Charley! Whoo!
NICK
Stay there, good boy.
Ha, a quick pint.
[Sound of burping]
Aaah!
HECTOR & NICK

Aaah!!
NICK [Reading note]

“You are too cruel to own a dog!
He is safe with me!”
But, but, but … he was only tied up at that lamp post for – a bit?

8
HECTOR & NICK
Aaah, aah!
ANNIE
What’s going on?
NICK
Erm, it’s called a – ooh – erm, dog yoga.
Growling/hissing noises
ANNIE
Ah, very nice.
BRIDGET
Oh no! Not dog yoga again!
ANNIE
Talking of dogs, where is Charley?
NICK
He’s asleep.
HECTOR
He’s ill.
NICK
He’s having his hair cut.
HECTOR
He’s busy.
ANNIE
So he’s asleep and ill and busy and having his hair cut?
NICK
Erm, yeah.
HECTOR
Hmm, hmm.
ANNIE
OK.
NICK
We have to get Charley back!

The boys are so sweet! They’re taking Charley for walks, and they play a lot with him.
NICK
Good boy!
Good boy good boy!

9
But I have to buy more doggie chocs - there are none left!

Dan, we’ve lost Annie’s dog, Charley.
ANNIE
Where is Charley?
NICK
He’s asleep.
HECTOR
He’s ill.
NICK
He’s having his hair cut.
HECTOR
He’s busy.

And the dog show is today!
NICK & HECTOR

Ohh!!

I’m worried about Annie. She’s stealing everything!
Lots of my things are missing.
ANNIE
I didn’t touch your things!
BRIDGET
Where’s my necklace then?

I think she’s selling them on the Internet!
Atmospheric music
HECTOR
Nick!
NICK
Hector, hey! Don’t worry, I’ve found him, I’ve found him!
HECTOR
Great!
HECTOR
Oh, the other phone is ringing, erm, see you later, bye!

10
NICK
Yes!
HECTOR
Hello.
Police? What? You found our dog! Great, thanks very much. Bye!
But – if the police have found our dog, whose dog has Nick found?
NICK
Ow, ow, ow!! Sorry, I’m sorry, I thought it was mine!
Sound of police siren
HECTOR
Up, up, up, ah good dog. Up, hey, hey …
HECTOR
Oh, hello.
Nick, where are you?
The police station?! You took a dog from an old woman! Nick, how could you?! OK, OK, I am
coming.
Sound of camera shutters whirring
HECTOR
Oh, ha, ha, ha! That woman, she really went for you and she was old!
NICK
[Laughing]
I thought she was my type … …
Hey, we must go, the dog show!
ANNIE
Hi guys! Hi Charley!
Why are you wearing that?
HECTOR
Oh, erm …
NICK
We were taking photographs.
HECTOR
Were we?
NICK
Yes.
ANNIE
Taking photographs.
NICK & HECTOR

Yes.

11
BRIDGET
I’m meeting Philip tonight and I, I can’t find my earrings.
ANNIE
Oh come on, they must be somewhere.
BRIDGET
You, you’ve stolen them!
ANNIE
I’ve told you, I haven’t stolen anything.
BRIDGET
Yes you have, you’re a thief!
ANNIE
I am not a thief! I’m … …
HECTOR
Oh-oh ladies, no fighting here!
Sound of whistle blowing
HECTOR
Break it up!
Accompanying music to dog training sequence
Sound of TV being turned on
ANNIE
Where’s the fridge?
DOG SHOW PRESENTER

Hello, and welcome to Crofts Dog Show …
ANNIE
Bridget!
Huh, a dog show, how stupid.
Where is the fridge?
Where’s Charley? Charley! Charley and the fridge have gone.
Charley has taken the fridge!
DOG SHOW PRESENTER

……………
ANNIE
Charley?
DOG SHOW PRESENTER

These dogs are trained to the highest standards and are a credit to their owners …
HECTOR
It looks hopeful.

12
NICK
Oh yes! It looks very hopeful. Look at her!
Look after Charley.
Hey, hello there!
He-he!
ANNIE
Look, there’s Hector and Charley – and there’s Nick!
BRIDGET
Who’s that woman?
It’s a very big dog!
Sound of barking
HECTOR
Oh, that really is a big dog!
NICK
Yes, I know.
DOG SHOW PRESENTER

Your attention, please. The dog show winner is – Charley with his trainers, Hector and Nick!
Sound of applause/dog barks
HECTOR
We’ve won, we’ve won …
NICK
Oh, two thousand pounds!
Applause/sound of camera shutters clicking
ANNIE
Oh congratulations!
HECTOR
Thanks Annie, but you hate dog shows.
ANNIE
Erm, well, if Charley wins, then that’s different – and you won two thousand pounds!
Sound of Charley growling
HECTOR
Erm, well not exactly.
We won two thousand pounds to spend in ‘Dog’s Heaven.’
NICK
Hey! This is great! Smells nice – and ha-ha, gets rid of fleas! … …
BRIDGET
I’m ready, Philip.

13
PHILIP
Bridget! You look nice!
BRIDGET
We’re going out for dinner, a very romantic dinner.
PHILIP
You stupid dog, get off me!
ANNIE
Charley, stop it!
HECTOR
What is he doing?
ANNIE
Get off him!
BRIDGET
My scarf! My jewellery! My photo frame and more!
ANNIE
Philip, you’ve been stealing our things!
You’re the thief!
PHILIP
Well I, I … I…
NICK
Get him, Charley!
HECTOR
Charley, Charley!
Sound of whistle blowing/Charley barking
ANNIE
He’s a thief! Your boyfriend is a thief!
BRIDGET
Well who can blame him?
ANNIE
What?
BRIDGET
He took souvenirs, to remind him of me – ah, so romantic!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA.
Annie is a hypnotist, Nick and Hector are party entertainers, but what happens when they lose the
birthday girl?

14
Episode 21
Narrative
ANNIE
You are feeling very sleepy. You want to be a cat! Now Charley, say ‘meow’! [Sound of Charley
barking] … No Charley, let’s try again. ‘Meow’! [Sound of Charley barking]. Oh, I give up. Oh
here you are, Charley, good boy. Ah. I don’t need a dog, I need someone more stupid.
ANNIE
Perfect. The boys. Hello boys, come and sit down.
NICK
What are you doing?
ANNIE
I am going to hypnotise you.
HECTOR
Hypnotise?
NICK
Yeah, you know. Hyp-no-tise.
ANNIE
You are feeling very sleepy. You are a baby.
NICK
Mama, mama.
ANNIE
You are five years old.
NICK
He stole my toy!
Sound of slapping
ANNIE
You are twelve years old.
NICK
Hey baby, wanna dance?! Ha-ha.
HECTOR
Oh I know! Oh, it sounds fun!
ANNIE
It’s not about fun!
Hypnotism can help you with your problems!
Episode 21 The Entertainers

1
NICK
I don’t have any problems!
ANNIE
Are you ready?
HECTOR
Ahm.
ANNIE
Now, close your eyes and relax.
I’m going to take you back.
Ba-ck, ba-ck. And open your eyes!
You made it.
NICK
Well?
HECTOR
Have you done it?
ANNIE
Yes, all done. Now I am going to say a word to you and when you hear that word, you are going
to react.
HECTOR
Ah.
ANNIE
Ready?
NICK & HECTOR

Ahm.
ANNIE
Butterfly. Anything?
HECTOR
Uh-uh.
NICK
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
No. Ha-ha!
ANNIE
I’ll try again. Butterfly.
But-ter-fly.
BUTTERFLY!!
HECTOR
I don’t think it’s working, Annie.
NICK
You’re very good. Ha!
No one can control the great minds of Hector and Nick!

2
HECTOR & NICK
Ha-ha!
Sound of laughter
ANNIE
So where did I go wrong? Ah. ‘A hypnotic state can last for two days.’ Oh. So if someone says the
word ‘butterfly’ in the next two days. Ah!
Sound of voices on TV
HECTOR
Oh Nick! Why did you do that?
NICK
It’s so obvious!
Sue is having an affair with Jim’s brother!
HECTOR
Don’t tell me. Na-na-na-na …
NICK
Hey look, it’s Bridget.
BRIDGET
If I said ‘children’s parties’ to you, you’d say …
NICK
… No thanks!
BRIDGET
Jelly, ice cream, pass the parcel, pin the tail on the donkey.
NICK
Oh, pinning the tail on the donkey.
Sound of background party music/bursting balloons
HECTOR
Pin the tail on the donkey?
NICK
Great game!
HECTOR
Poor donkey.
BRIDGET
But not for the lucky children of the rich and famous.
At their parties they have elephant rides …
HECTOR
So, they pin the tail on the elephant!

3
BRIDGET
Amazing cakes, top class entertainers. Parties like these can cost thousands of pounds, but listen
to the laughter of these lovely children.
Sound of children cheering and laughing
BRIDGET
They love it!
CHILD
Give me that. I want that!
BRIDGET
Not now, sweetie, I’m on television.
CHILD
But I want it!
BRIDGET
Be a nice child and go away.
CHILD
Give it to me!
BRIDGET
I said, get lost!
CHILD
Mum! She hit me!
BRIDGET
This is Bridget Evans, Channel 9, Knightsbridge.
CHILD
Get the police, mummy!
BRIDGET
Oh, will you keep your child quiet?!!
Sound of siren
NICK
That’s it!
HECTOR
What?
NICK
Children’s parties. Rich children’s parties.
HECTOR
You can’t go, you are too old!
NICK
No, she said – top class entertainers. That’s us. We will be party entertainers to rich children for
loads of money!

4
HECTOR
Don’t we need an elephant?
NICK
No! We’ve got you!
HECTOR
Oooh!
NICK
No. Hmmm!
HECTOR
Hmmm!
NICK
Yeah.

I am learning how to hypnotise people.
ANNIE
You are feeling very sleepy.

I’ve tried it on Hector and Nick …
ANNIE
BUTTERFLY!!
HECTOR
I don’t think it’s working, Annie.

But nothing’s happened – yet.
ANNIE
A hypnotic state can last for two days.
Oh.

Hector and I are going to be top class party entertainers to rich children.
NICK
We’ll be party entertainers to rich children for loads of money!
NICK
OK guys, what do you think of this?
‘Posh Parties – make your child’s party go with a bang.
We are top class children’s entertainers, we make them laugh …’
HECTOR
... We make them cry!
ANNIE
It’s not like that, Hector.

5
NICK
‘Book Posh Parties for the best party in the world. Only millionaires need apply.’
What do you think?
BRIDGET
I think you’d be lucky to get one reply.
ANNIE
Ooh!
Hello. Oh, yes, erm, this is Posh Parties. Who is calling, please?
Mrs George Ducas?!
NICK
Not the wife of Mr George Ducas?!
HECTOR
Who?
NICK
George Ducas, the Hollywood director.
BRIDGET
You know who it is, don’t you!
NICK
Victoria, Lucas’s mother.
VICTORIA
Lucas, say ‘hello’ to Uncle Nicky-Wicky!
NICK
Hi.
Electrical buzzing noise
NICK
Ah!
ANNIE
Hello. Oh, you’d like to book a party – for your stepdaughter.
Oh, she loves fairies. Well, I have just the fairy for you, Princess Nicky, oh and here she is!
NICK
Hello! Princess Nicky speaking. Oh yes, of course I know what little girls like! I used to be one
myself, you know. Ha-hmm-hmm.
Oh, certainly Mrs Ducas, Daisy’s birthday on Friday, we’ll be there. Bye-ee!
Oh no!
ANNIE
Nick, that’s fantastic news! It’s your first booking!
HECTOR
Yeah!

6
NICK
But I will have to go to the home of George Ducas dressed as a fairy princess! What will Victoria
say?! Bah! Who cares! This is my chance to get into Hollywood.
BRIDGET
Erm, it’s the nearest you’ll ever get to Hollywood. Anyway, what can you do?
NICK
What can I do?
BRIDGET
What can you do to entertain children?
NICK
I can juggle!
HECTOR
So can I!
BRIDGET
Is that it?
NICK
No, I can do lots of things.
Anyway I will have my assistants, Hector and …
ANNIE
Ah-ah-ah, I’m working on Friday. She’s not.
NICK
Bridget.
BRIDGET
Oh no, no. Children and I do not work well together.
NICK
Oh well, suit yourself, it’s only the home of George Ducas, with the children of Hollywood stars!
BRIDGET
Celebrities?
NICK
Ahm.
BRIDGET
Oh, all right.
But I’m not dressing up.
Sound of background atmospheric music
BRIDGET
I feel ridiculous!
NICK
You feel ridiculous, what about me?

7
HECTOR
Ah, this is the last box.
NICK
Ah, great!
VICTORIA
Are you ready?
NICK
Ooh!
VICTORIA
Nick!
NICK
Oh!
VICTORIA
Princess Nicky.
NICK
Ha-ha, hi Victoria.
I mean, hello, Mrs Ducas, ha-ha.
VICTORIA
So, how’s the acting going?
NICK
Oh, great, great, this is just a, a temporary job! Ha-ha.
Hmm, is George here?
VICTORIA
He’s next door, chatting to a few friends.
Erm, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Orlando Bloom and Jude Law.
NICK
That’s nice, yeah …
VICTORIA
Mmm. Well, let’s bring in the birthday girl.
Daisy, in you come!
Assorted background noises and accompanying music as children enter room
VICTORIA
Have a good time! [Sound of kissing]
Anyway, I’m just going next door to have drinkies!
Sound of tittering laughter/accompanying music

This is so funny!
The good news is: Nick and Hector have got their first Posh Parties booking.
ANNIE
You’d like to book a party?

8
The bad news is they’ve gone to George Ducas’ house, dressed as fairies!
BRIDGET
I feel ridiculous!
NICK
You feel ridiculous, what about me?!

Nick has made me help him with his silly children’s party.
NICK
Ha-ha! Hee!

I don’t like children. Worse still - I’m dressed as a fairy!
VICTORIA
Have a good time!
NICK
Hello little fairies. My name is Princess Nicky. Hello!
[Clears throat] And this is Princess Hector-ina.
Ha-ha. And this – is Tinkerbell. Ha-ha!
DAISY
She’s really old!
NICK
[Clears throat loudly]
Now, Princess Hector-ina is going to show you a magic trick. Ooh! – Aren’t you, Princess Hector-
ina. Ha-ha!
HECTOR
Now we are going to have a magical time this afternoon, aren’t we!
Now, would you like to meet Mr Whizzy?
Of course you would.
BRIDGET
Come on Daisy, come and meet Mr Whizzy.
HECTOR
Now Daisy, is Mr Whizzy in the hat?
Go on, put your hand in.
Not too far! [Clears throat]. Well, is he there?
DAISY
No!
HECTOR
No he’s not. Now, give the hat a magic tap.
Thumping noise

9
HECTOR
Careful, you’ll give him a headache! [Clears throat]. Oh, who is this?! Oh, it’s Mr Whizzy! … … to
Mr Whizzy.
Sound of children laughing
HECTOR
Oh, Mr Whizzy hasn’t got any clothes on! Ha-ha!
NICK
Ha-ha-hah! Thank you Daisy!
Now, erm, Tinkerbell, stop that and come over here!
DAISY
You’ve got hairy legs and a hairy chest!
NICK
Now Daisy, that’s not a very nice thing to say about Tinkerbell!
BRIDGET
I think she meant you!
NICK
Oh, ha, now!
I am going to make someone disappear! Oooh!
Who shall it be?
DAISY
You!
NICK
Daisy, do you want to be part of the magic trick again?
Oh, Daisy! Ha-ha-ha! Come on! Magic Wigwam! Now Daisy, this is Princess Nicky’s magical
wigwam.
If you go in there you’ll find a wonderful magical land!
Do you want to go in?
DAISY
No!
NICK
Of course, ha-ha-ha! Of course you do! Now in you go, come on – poppet! He-he, get in, he-he.
There we are! Marvellous! Ha-ha. Now, we say the magical word, Princess Nicky-Wicky-Wocky.
Hey Presto, Ping!
Is Daisy still here? Oh, she’s gone!
She must be having a wonderful time in the magical land. But it’s time to come home now, Daisy!
Princess Nicky-Wicky-Wocky. Ping!
And hello Daisy.
Daisy? Daisy! Daisy! Daisy! Where did she go?
HECTOR
I don’t know!
BRIDGET
I’ll get the cake, she’ll come out then!

10
NICK
Where is she?
Where is Daisy!
Sound of hysterical laughter
BRIDGET
What a good game, Princess Nicky! Can’t you remember where Daisy is, really, your mind is like
a butterfly! Ha-ha-ha!
Sound of harp music/laughter
ANNIE
BUTTERFLY!!
NICK & HECTOR

[Making chicken/type squawking noises]
Sound of children laughing
NICK
Ah-hah! The cake! OK, come out Daisy, wherever you are!
HECTOR
We’ve got a surprise for you!
NICK
She’ll come out when she see this!
Happy Birthday, Daisy, cue, Bridget! Whoo!
Sound of children laughing/squawking noises
BRIDGET
What’s going on?
BRIDGET
Annie?
ANNIE
Bridget, I forgot to say, whatever you do, do not mention the word butterfly.
BRIDGET
Oh, why not?
ANNIE
Because it’s the word I used to hypnotise Nick and Hector, they might behave strangely.
BRIDGET
Erm, stranger than usual?
ANNIE
Yes.
BRIDGET
Erm, I think it worked!

11
ANNIE
Oh!
BRIDGET
So how do you de-hypnotise them?
ANNIE
Erm, there’s a special word.
BRIDGET
What is it?!!
ANNIE
Erm, dragonfly, erm, bee. Oh, no, wasp, ant …
BRIDGET
Dragonfly, bee, wasp, ant …
BRIDGET
Nothing’s happening!
ANNIE
I’ll be right there!
BRIDGET
Oh, hurry! Oooh!
Sound of screeching
VICTORIA
Oh, what the …
NICK
Hey, Victoria, come and rock!
VICTORIA
What, why is … … …
What’s going on?
NICK
The thing is, we were doing this magic trick and …
HECTOR
... We lost her.
VICTORIA
Nick, how could you?!
That’s it, I’m calling the police.
Police – baby darling!
DAISY
Oh, wicked!!
ANNIE
She was in Princess Nicky’s van.

12
BRIDGET
So, have you remembered the word?
ANNIE
Oh yes, erm, caterpillar.
Sound of harp music
VICTORIA
What a mess! I’m not paying you!
ANNIE
Well then, you won’t mind that I’ve put parking tickets on four Mercedes, five Ferraris and two
Porsches, illegally parked outside.
VICTORIA
Oh, Catherine parked outside and Jude did too. All of George’s friends parked – surely we can
come to some kind of an arrangement.
ANNIE
Mmm.
VICTORIA
Very well.
NICK
Well, I didn’t meet George!
HECTOR
It was a great party though and the money was good too!
ANNIE
Erm, you’ll need that for your fine.
NICK
What fine?
ANNIE
We had to tow your van away.
I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was yours.
NICK
What? !! Hey, come back!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Annie is reading her crystal ball, Bridget wants to meet a handsome
stranger and what is scaring Hector and Nick?

13
Episode 22
Narrative
ANNIE
And I can see a great big bowl of dog food and on the bowl it says a name. It says... Charley! It must
be tea-time, Charley!
BRIDGET
Guess what?
ANNIE
Ooh, you've just met Brad Pitt.
BRIDGET
What? Don't be ridiculous, Annie. I've just been to see Rose Marie.
ANNIE
Who's Rose Marie?
BRIDGET
My fortune teller, and she says I'm going to meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger!
ANNIE
Oooh! When?
BRIDGET
She didn't say.
ANNIE
Where?
BRIDGET
She didn't say.
ANNIE
It must be true then.
BRIDGET
Maybe I'll meet him at tonight's Halloween party. Ooh, have you read your horoscopes for today?
ANNIE
No.
BRIDGET
Read mine.
ANNIE
Aquarius, Libra, Leo - ah! Taurus, the Bull. "Taurus: Today you will be in for a big surprise."
BRIDGET
Oh, goodie!
Banging noise/sound of screaming
BRIDGET
I'm getting a name. It's. . . Nick.
Episode 22 Haunting at Halloween 1

NICK
Ooh, Gigi, you must be psychic! Oww!
HECTOR
Sidekick?
NICK
No, not sidekick - psy-chic - a fortune teller.
ANNIE
Someone who can see the future.
HECTOR
Ah, like Nostradamus.
ANNIE
Er...
NICK
Who?
ANNIE
Kind of .. like horoscopes or Tarot.
NICK
Ah, Tarot! The Death card. Look! It's Bridget with no make-up.
Sound of laughter
ANNIE
Like having the palm of your hand read.
NICK
Nah, rubbish. There's nothing there.
BRIDGET
What a surprise. Come here, give me your hand. I'll give you a lesson. This one is your life line.
NICK
Oooohhhh.....
BRIDGET
This one is your lurve line.
NICK
Oh yes!
BRIDGET
And this one is your...
NICK
Oooff!
BRIDGET
....punch line!
NICK
Aww!
HECTOR
Punch line?

NICK
She means it's the end of my lesson. Hey, Hector! What happens when you go to a fortune teller's
house?
Sound of atmospheric harp music
HECTOR
Come in!
BRIDGET
Ha-ha. Let's see what your horoscope says.
NICK
Aw, you don't believe all that rubbish, do you?
ANNIE
Rose Marie says that Bridget is going to meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger.
BRIDGET
Hector?
ANNIE
Bridget, this is my tall, dark, handsome stranger. Get your own.
NICK
Who is Rose Marie?
BRIDGET
My fortune teller.
NICK
Oh!
Is she good-looking? Could she find me a cute babe?
BRIDGET
Do you want to hear your horoscope or not?
NICK
Go on then. Aquarius.
BRIDGET
Aquarius, eh? I should've guessed. "This week beware of black hair and the number 3."
NICK
Oooohhh. That means that three babes with black hair are going to chase me. Spooky!!
HECTOR
Oh, can I be Aquarius?
ANNIE
No!
NICK
Go on, Hector. Let's go out. I'm gonna meet some black-haired babes.
BRIDGET
Put that umbrella down. It's very unlucky.
NICK
But I'm feeling lucky! Oww! Ooh!
BRIDGET
Ooh, I wish I could meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger.

ANNIE
Well, let me look into my crystal ball.
BRIDGET
Annie, that's a goldfish bowl.
ANNIE
So? I got it right for Charley, didn't I, Charley.
BRIDGET
Ooh! That'll be my stranger now! Oh, hello, Bernard.
ANNIE
Hello, Bernard, how are you?
BERNARD
Not happy. Not happy at all. I've lost my marbles.
BRIDGET
Oh dear. Bernard's lost his marbles.
ANNIE
What? Oh! You mean Marbles, your cat!
BERNARD
And she's not well. She's got a cold.
ANNIE
Oh well, I'm sure you'll find her. We'll look out for her, Bernard.
BERNARD
I hope so. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
ANNIE
Poor Bernard.
BRIDGET
He's lost his marbles. Well it had to happen!

Today is Hallowe’en and I'm practising my psychic skills.
ANNIE
And on the bowl it says a name. It says … Charley!

Bridget has been to see Rose Marie, her fortune teller, who told her she would meet a tall, dark,
handsome stranger.
BRIDGET
Hello, Bernard.

Then Bernard knocked on the door! Poor Bernard said he had lost his cat, Marbles.
BRIDGET
Oh dear! Bernard's lost his marbles!

Anyway, tonight we are all going to a Halloween party. I can't wait!

Bridget read my horoscope today.
NICK
Ah, you don’t believe all that rubbish, do you?

It said ‘Beware of black hair and the number three!’
NICK
Oooh!

I think it means three black haired babes …
NICK
… Are going to chase me! Spooky!

I don’t have to beware of them, do I?
NICK & HECTOR

Oww!!
HECTOR
This is a true story about a man and wife on their honeymoon. They were in the car. It was late. The
wife broke her mirror, which means seven years' bad luck. Just then, they ran out of petrol, so the
man told the wife to go for petrol.
ANNIE
He's the man. He should've gone.
HECTOR
Equal opportunities. The wife was gone for a long time. Then boom, boom, boom. He heard a noise
on the roof of the car. It got louder - boom, boom - and then his wife appeared. She smiled and
walked away. The noise was very loud now. The man got out of his car and standing on the roof he
saw a madman holding his wife's head!

Ahhh!
NICK
So the banging was...
ANNIE
Her head?!
BRIDGET
But he’d just seen his wife!
HECTOR
That... was her ghost!

Ohhh!
ANNIE
Is that a true story?
HECTOR
Yeah.

BRIDGET
Tell us another!
NICK
No, don't! I mean, it was a bit dull, wasn't it?
ANNIE
Right, come on, let's go shopping for the party.
BRIDGET
Yeah! I'm in the mood now.
HECTOR
Are you coming, Nick?
NICK
What? Oh, er, no. See you later.
One, two.... "Beware of black hair...." Three ... ... "...and the number 3." Hah! So what? There are
three apples - hah! Big deal. Arrrgghh! "It's seven years of bad luck. Bad luck." What rubbish! I think
I'll go back to my apartment now. Black cat. Black hair. Right, keep calm. Nice pussy!
Spooky sounds from TV programme
NICK
Who’s there? “Beware number three.” Aaargghh! Stop!
BRIDGET, HECTOR & ANNIE

Nick! Nick! Nick!
NICK
What?
ANNIE
He's coming round.
NICK
Ahh! Ahh! What's going on? Why are you dressed like that?
ANNIE
Nick! Have you forgotten? It's Hallowe’en.
We're going to the party.
NICK
Oh yeah.
HECTOR
I cannot get this knife into the pumpkin. Can you?
NICK
OK.
CHILDREN
Trick or treat!
ANNIE
Treat! There you are.
CHILDREN
Thank you.
ANNIE
Oh, aren't they sweet.

NICK
Yeah, sweet.

Hector told us a ghost story today. It was scary.
HECTOR
This is a true story about a man and wife on their honeymoon.

One night, a honeymoon couple broke down in their car. The wife went to get the petrol, but only her
ghost returned. Oooohhhhh! We're having great fun this Hallowe’en!

Hector told us a stupid ghost story. Nothing scares me!
NICK
I think I’ll go back to my apartment now!

Bridget said, ‘Beware of the number three.’ Hmm!
Then I saw three apples.
NICK
One, two, three apples. Ohhhh! [Sound of breaking glass]

And three children playing ‘trick or treat’.
CHILDREN
Trick or treat!

I even saw a black cat. It’s all too much!
Sound of thunder
Sound of laughter
NICK
Those witches were very cute! I think the small one fancied you!
HECTOR
Do you think so?
NICK
Yeah!
BRIDGET
Boys, they weren't pretending.
They really were witches.
HECTOR
Oh.
ANNIE
They were ugly enough.
HECTOR
Ho-ho.
ANNIE
Hey! The lights have gone out.

BRIDGET
It must be the storm. A power cut!
NICK
What was that?
HECTOR
Who was that?
NICK & HECTOR

Aaaarrggghhhh!
ANNIE
Bernard! What are you doing on the roof?
BERNARD
I still can't find my Marbles.
HECTOR
Your marbles?
BRIDGET
His cat.
ANNIE
Bernard, I really don't think that you should be on the roof.
BERNARD
Ohhhh!
ANNIE
Bernard? Bernard, are you OK?
BERNARD
Yeah, I'm fine. I'll kill that cat when I find it!
ANNIE
I know! We'll light a candle. Well, there's no television, so I guess it's time for bed.
NICK & HECTOR

Oh no!
BRIDGET
What's the matter, boys? Are you scared of the dark?
NICK & HECTOR

No.
ANNIE
Well, if you're not scared of the dark, then let's play a game.
HECTOR
A game?
BRIDGET
Let's get the ouija board out!
NICK
Ohhh....
HECTOR
B - That's you, Bridget.

NICK
Ohhh.... ... ... ..... N!
HECTOR
That's you, Nick! Bridget fancies Nick!
BRIDGET
Oh, don't be so childish. Give that to me. It's getting warm. I can feel... it's starting to move!
ANNIE
H – that’s you, Hector.
BRIDGET & ANNIE

D-E-P-A-R-T
HECTOR
Deep art. Depart. Depart? But I am not leaving.
NICK
Depart. 'Dearly departed' means 'dead'.
Sound of loud thunderclap/screams
HECTOR
That's it! I am leaving!
ANNIE
Hector, sit down.
HECTOR
Aw, you are moving the glass, Bridget.
BRIDGET
No, I'm not. N - I think it's for you, Nick.
NICK
Oh great. It'll be about babes. 3? Three what?
BRIDGET
Didn't your horoscope say "Beware of the number 3"?
ANNIE
Oh yeah!
NICK
You don't believe that rubbish, do you?
BRIDGET
Of course I do. Don't you?
HECTOR
Oh!
BRIDGET
Oh!
HECTOR
Oh!
ANNIE
Oh! Well, the lights are back on.

HECTOR
I'm tired.
BRIDGET
Why don't you depart then.
NICK
Yeah, great idea. Come on, Hector, let's go.
Boo!
Sound of thunder
NICK
Hector?
HECTOR
Eh?
NICK
Do you believe in horoscopes?
HECTOR
Of course not.
NICK
No, of course not. They're silly. "Beware of black hair and the number three.”
HECTOR
Rubbish.
NICK
Yeah! It could've meant: beware of those three witches we met at the party.
HECTOR
Well, they did have black hair.
NICK
Or those three trick-or-treaters.
CHILDREN
Trick or treat!
NICK
Or the black cat. Huh!
What was that noise?
HECTOR
Probably the wind.
NICK
Yeah, wind. Hector?
HECTOR
Eh?
NICK
Can I get into your bed?
HECTOR
OK.

Sound of whimpering
NICK
I'm not afraid of the dark.
HECTOR
Nor am I.
NICK
I've only got one torch. It's good to share.
Ah, the storm's finished.
HECTOR
Shh! What's that noise?
NICK
It's in the room!
HECTOR
It's getting nearer!
Sound of footsteps/knocking on door
NICK
Who's that?
HECTOR
I don't know. Nick, there is something touching my legs.
NICK
Well, it's not me!
HECTOR
I know, but there is something touching my legs!
NICK
Aarrghhh!
ANNIE
Bernard, did you hear that scream?
BRIDGET
What are you doing?
BERNARD
I think Marbles is in there.
ANNIE
Right, we're going in. Hector? Nick? What's the matter?
BERNARD
Marbles! There you are! How’s your cold?
ANNIE
Are you two OK? What's wrong?
BRIDGET
What’s wrong? Has the cat got your tongue?
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Nick goes shopping, Hector tells Annie the truth, and why has Bridget got so
many admirers? EXTRA, don't miss it!

Episode 23
Narrative
HECTOR
He's been gone for ages.
Do you think he did it?
BRIDGET
Nah, I bet he didn’t dare!
Sound of laughter
NICK
Well, there you go. One bottle of milk. One tin of tuna.
ANNIE
Bravo, Nick! Come on, Bridget, your turn. Do your dare.
BRIDGET
Bernard, I love you! You're the one for me! Please, let's run away together.
NICK
Hi, Bernard.
ANNIE
Hello, Bernard. OK?
Sound of laughter
NICK
Oh, let's do it again! Tell the truth or do a dare.
ANNIE
Oh, Ziggy!
Now do you want to tell the truth? Well, then you have to do a dare.
HECTOR
Yeah, but what dare?
ANNIE
Oh, I know. I dare you to... kiss Nick! [Sound of laughter]
NICK, ANNIE & HECTOR

Ooh! Bridget!!
HECTOR
Truth or dare?
BRIDGET
A dare!
HECTOR
OK. I dare you to copy someone in this room.
Episode 23 Truth or Dare 1

BRIDGET
Someone in this room, eh? Nick!
Right! My turn. Nick!
NICK
A dare! I dare myself to kiss Bridget. Ha-ha, OK!
ANNIE
Not another dare. Why not the truth?
NICK
The truth?
ANNIE
Yes! Nobody wants to speak the truth. I dare you, I dare all of you to speak the truth.
HECTOR
OK, let's speak the truth.
ANNIE
For a whole day.
HECTOR
Tomorrow.
NICK
But... no lies?
ANNIE
No lies.
And the winner, we buy the winner dinner for two at the Ivy Restaurant!
HECTOR
OK, twenty four hours of truth.
Sound of stopwatch counting time
ANNIE
You will the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
WAITER
Welcome to the Ivy, Miss Evans. Mr P is waiting for you at your usual table.
ANNIE
The whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The truth.
NICK
Aarrgh!
ANNIE
What's wrong with you?
NICK
Nothing - at all - really.
ANNIE
Nick, is there no food in your apartment?

NICK
The truth, the whole truth.
The thing is, Annie, the truth is, on Thursdays I never go shopping. I just take your food.
ANNIE
What? You mean that...
NICK
Handy!!
Hello? What? An audition? A commercial? When? Oh, I've got to go.
HECTOR
Hi, Nick.
ANNIE
Hi, Hector. What are you doing?
HECTOR
I'm writing Things I Don't Like About Annie.
ANNIE
What?
HECTOR
Let's use the truth to make our relationship stronger!
ANNIE
OK.
HECTOR
Go on, write Things I Don't Like About Hector.
ANNIE
OK. Things I Don't Like About Hector.
HECTOR
Hmm.
ANNIE
Huh!
HECTOR
I behave like a big child?!
Hmm!
ANNIE
I shout too much?
HECTOR
See?! You are doing it again!
ANNIE
So you don't like my carrot cake.
HECTOR
Erm...

ANNIE
And you've never liked my carrot cake.
HECTOR
No.
ANNIE
But you always eat it.
HECTOR
I didn't want to upset you.
ANNIE
Well, now I am cross, very cross.
HECTOR
See? You are shouting again.
ANNIE
I do not shout too much!
HECTOR
Calm down, please, Annie!
Sound of alarm beeping
BRIDGET
Ooh! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!
Banging noise/sound of phone ringing
BRIDGET
Hello? John?
No, I don't want to see you. Goodbye. An old boyfriend, how strange.
ANNIE
So Hector, if we're telling the truth, let me ask you.
HECTOR
Yes.
ANNIE
Do you fancy Bridget?
HECTOR
No.
ANNIE
And before, have you ever fancied Bridget?
HECTOR
Well...
ANNIE
Out! Get out!
HECTOR
But Annie … I … I!

ANNIE
I hate the truth!
BRIDGET
Annie, do I look fat in these trousers?
ANNIE
Yes.
To tell the truth, yes, you do look fat in those trousers.
BRIDGET
I can't change clothes. I don't have time. Oh!
ANNIE
And don't forget: one day of truth!

Last night was horrible. We played Truth or Dare and I had to tell our neighbour Bernard that I fancied
him.
BRIDGET
You’re the one for me! Please, let’s run away together. Errghh!!
ANNIE
Nadia, I've had a brilliant idea!
We have to tell the truth for a whole day.
ANNIE
I dare you, I dare all of you to speak the truth.
NICK
Hello! So this is a commercial for yoghurt.
CASTING DIRECTOR
That's right, Nick. Yuppy Yoghurts.
NICK
Great!
CASTING DIRECTOR
This is the most delicious yoghurt in the world.
NICK
Wow! In the world! Hmm!
CASTING DIRECTOR
So first we want you to eat some.
NICK
Ugh!!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Forty five minutes late!
BRIDGET
'm sorry, Eunice.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
What happened this time? A fire in the house? A burglar? A big monster?
BRIDGET
No. The bus.
WAITER
Welcome to the Ivy, Miss Evans. Mr P is waiting for you at your usual table.
BRIDGET
No, I'm late because I overslept.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
So you overslept?
Of course, you do need your beauty sleep. Now work!
BRIDGET
My bag!
Where is it?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Bridget, you know Channel Nine wants new talent? Have you found any?
BRIDGET
No.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Well, I have.
A new presenter.
BRIDGET
Really? Who?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Me. Look. Hello, my darlings. What? What? Oh, oh. Oh. Hello, my darlings. This is the beautiful
Eunice bringing you delight and wonder from Nannel Chine! ... .... from Channel Nine!
Thank you for all my special reports! Well, what do you think?
CASTING DIRECTOR
We want you to eat some and then say, "Mmm, delicious!"
NICK
Hmm, dee-licious!
After I eat this?
CASTING DIRECTOR
Yes. Do you have a problem with that?
NICK
No, no problem at all. Mmm! Mmm!
ANNIE
The truth.
NICK
Hmm! It's dee....sgusting! It’s terrible!
It's horrible! Euchh! Do I get the part?
CASTING DIRECTOR
Next!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Ridiculous? Ridiculous? What do you mean, ridiculous?
NICK
Stupid yoghurt.
ANNIE
So you didn't get it then?
NICK
No, no.
ANNIE
Oh, I'm sorry, Nick.
NICK
Well, at least I don't have to eat them again. Eucch! Where's Hector?
ANNIE
Hector? Don't talk to me about Hector!
BERNARD
So where is she?
NICK
Where is who?
BERNARD
Bridget. I got her message and here I am.
NICK
You have got a date with Bridget?
BERNARD
That's right.
NICK
This is a very, very strange day. Huh! Bridget's not in.
BERNARD
Oh.
NICK
Here, have a yoghurt.
BERNARD
Oh, thanks.

BRIDGET
Handbag, handbag, handbag. Oh, Eunice is an ugly, bad-tempered witch! Oh, my handbag.
Oh, it's you.
BRIDGET
Hello? Who? Kevin? Three years ago, Kevin? No! No, I don't!
Two old boyfriends. First John, now Kevin. Hmm, what a coincidence.

Today I must tell the truth all day.
NICK
Mmm! Dee-licious!

The problem is I lost a job advertising yoghurt. I told them it tasted disgusting!
NICK
Mmm, it’s dee-sgusting!

Huh! Am I crazy?!

I am having such a crazy day!
BRIDGET
Do I look fat in these trousers?
ANNIE
Yes.

It's very difficult to tell the truth at work all the time.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
What do you mean, ridiculous?

And my old boyfriends keep calling me.
BRIDGET
Kevin?

I don’t understand what’s going on!
BRIDGET
What a coincidence!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hello, Bridget. How dare you call me a witch? You are an ugly, bad-tempered witch.

BRIDGET
I didn't send that message.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
No? It's your number.
BRIDGET
My mobile. Someone took my mobile.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, good try. The truth. Did you send that message?
BRIDGET
No! No!
Someone took my phone!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
All right then. You didn't send the message.
So what do you think of me?
BRIDGET
The truth?
The truth, Eunice, you're an ugly, bad-tempered witch.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
You know, Bridget, honesty is a great quality.
BRIDGET
It is.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
It is. I hope honesty will help you... when you look for a new job.
You're fired!
Sound of door opening and shutting
BRIDGET
Well, hooray for the truth.
ANNIE
Ziggy's coming later, and then we'll decide who's the winner.
BRIDGET
Oh, what a day.
I need comfort food.
HECTOR
The truth, the truth is: we were asking the wrong questions.
Ask me what I think of your eyes.
ANNIE
What do you think of my eyes?
HECTOR
I think you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in my life.
ANNIE
Really?
Tell me more.

HECTOR
I think you are the sweetest, kindest...
ANNIE
Oh, snuggly-puppy!
HECTOR
Oh, sugar-plum! Oh, oh...
BRIDGET
Euuurhhh, I feel sick.
BRIDGET
Hello? Oh, not again. Listen, Stuart, OK, I finished with you because you have no personality, no
money and no sense of humour.
More old boyfriends! I don't understand it.
Sound of strumming guitar
BERNARD
Ah, Bridget. At last. Oh, Bridget, my fair. Oh, Bridget, ... ... ....
BRIDGET
Stop! Stop! Why are you doing this?
BERNARD
But you told me to come.
BRIDGET
I told you to come?
BERNARD
I got your text.
BRIDGET
Who is sending all these messages from my mobile?
BRIDGET
John? No, I don’t want to see you. Goodbye!
BERNARD
So where is she? I got her message and here I am!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Call me a witch? You're fired!
BRIDGET
My bag! Handbag, handbag. Grrrr! Eunice is an ugly, bad-tempered witch. Oh, it's you. Oh! Nick!
Sound of stopwatch speeding up
BRIDGET
It was you, wasn’t it!
HECTOR
I think Bridget should be the winner.

ANNIE
Yes, we'll pay for dinner for two at the Ivy.
BRIDGET
Yes! I'm going to the Ivy!
Eunice?!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
So what do you want?
BRIDGET
Huh?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN [Reading text message]

Please come to my flat at 7pm. Now what do you want?
BRIDGET
I didn't text you.
Ziggy stole my phone and sent those messages.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hmm.
Sound of strumming guitar
BERNARD
Oh, lady of such beauty I've never seen.
BRIDGET
Who's this?
BERNARD
Lady of such beauty, you shall be my queen.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Bridget, where did you find this man?
He is perfect for Channel Nine.
BRIDGET
He is?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Absolutely! He'll make a perfect weather man.
Maybe you can have your job back. Now, come and talk about your contract.
BRIDGET
Weird!!
NICK
Bridget? Hmm, hmm, hmm. [Singing] ‘Oh, Bridget, she's a natural blonde. Her bottom is big and she
wears a thong!’
So do I get a job too?
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Nick becomes a pilot, Hector is his hostess and why has Eunice come to stay?

Episode 24
Narrative
ANNIE
One for the party and one for the party hostess. One for the party and one for the party accountant.
Hey, it's Builder Barbie!
BRIDGET
Ha-ha, very funny.
Eunice wants some building work done and guess who has to organise it?
ANNIE
Builder Barbie?!
Hey! Not for you, for the party.
BRIDGET
We’re having a party?!
Oh, what shall I wear?
ANNIE
Well, it's a street party. We're having a party in the street to protest and stop the cars.
BRIDGET
Hmm, hmm, nice.
Hey, what's this?
ANNIE
Aah!
Don't touch it. It belonged to my grandmother.
BRIDGET
Your grandmother? It's lovely.
ANNIE
Yes, it's very special to me.
NICK
Well, what do you think?
Captain Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire.
Sound of clicking fingers
ANNIE
Oh, is that you?
BRIDGET
It can’t be!
NICK
Women love uniform.
ANNIE
Hey-hey! Builder Barbie and Pilot Ken!
Episode 24 Pilot Nick 1

BRIDGET
Why are you dressed like a pilot?
NICK
I am in a play. Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire.
BRIDGET
Huh!
NICK
For a theatre festival in Paris. Now, who is going to help me rehearse, huh?
BRIDGET
Oh, sorry, gotta go.
NICK
Annie? Oh, come on, you know you want to. Aha! Hector!
HECTOR
Huh?
NICK
Come fly with me!
HECTOR
What?
Atmospheric music
HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess]

Oh yes, Chip, I thought about you all the time.
[Speaking normally] … Nick, I really think …
NICK
Yeah, don't tell me. I feel it too.
Something's not quite right.
HECTOR
No.
NICK
Yeah, I..., hey, I've got it!
Here, there..., oh, beautiful! See? Now I can fancy you.
HECTOR
Oh no, Nick, please!!
NICK
Did you miss me, sweet thing?

Oh yes, Chip, I thought about you all the time.
NICK
When we get to Barbados..., oh, sorry. But now we have work to do.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain Chip Hardy speaking. We will now go through the safety
routine.
Exits are here, here and here.
In the event of cabin decompression, place oxygen masks over your face like so, but please attend to
your own mask before helping children. Life jackets can be found under your seat.
In case of forced landing, adopt the following position.
BRIDGET

Oh, Eunice, I've got the builders on the phone.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
About time.
BRIDGET
Hello. You can start today?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, Jean-Pierre, how nice to hear from you.
BRIDGET
Well we really need the job done quickly.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
We should meet tonight? Oh yes.
BRIDGET
Ah yes, where to start.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Where? Hmm, that's a very good question.
BRIDGET
Where would you like the building work to start?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Well, I was thinking in my flat.
BRIDGET
In your flat?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, yes, in my flat.
BRIDGET
Hello?
We want you to start in Eunice's flat. Yes, that's right, Eunice's flat.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
It's 31 Evergreen Street.
BRIDGET
It's 31 Evergreen Street. That's right. Bye.
HECTOR
Tea, coffee?
NICK
No, no, no! Make it musical. Feel the words. Tea or coffee?

Tea or coffee?
NICK
Thanks.
HECTOR
Hey, Nick, do women really go for you in that uniform?
NICK
Yeah.

HECTOR
Oh, but do they know that you are not a real pilot?
NICK
Well, hmm.
HECTOR
You tell them you are a real pilot.
NICK
Maybe.
Sound of mobile phone
NICK
Oh, aha! Hello? Captain Chip Hardy speaking.
Oh, hi, Tiffany! I love this uniform! Yes, that's right, sweetie. Currently flying at 20,000 feet heading for
Barbados. [Hector makes engine noises in background]
Yeah, that's right darling, above the clouds, above the clouds.
HECTOR
[Makes engine noises/impersonates pilot]
NICK
No, no, no. We're just...
HECTOR
Ahhh.. .. ... ... ..
NICK
....We're not being attacked, it’s just a bit of turbulence. Look, I've got to go. Bye-bye!
HECTOR
Aaah!!
Sound of footsteps/coughing/spluttering
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Nooooooo!
BRIDGET
Oh, hi, Eunice.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Bridget, guess where this came from?
BRIDGET
Erm..., DIY shop?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
No, from my flat.
BRIDGET
Ah yes, have the builders started? Excellent.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Excellent? Excellent? My flat is a mess!
You told the builders to work in my flat.
BRIDGET
Yes, you said.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
But the builders were supposed to work at Channel Nine. Your mistake, you fix it.
BRIDGET
But....
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
And until you do, I'm going to stay in your flat.
BRIDGET
Nooooooooo!

Oh no. Eunice is so angry!
I made a tiny little mistake at work.
BRIDGET
We want you to start work in Eunice’s flat. Yes, that’s right, Eunice’s flat.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Nooooooooo!

And now she's coming to stay with us.
BRIDGET
Nooooooooo!

Oh, what am I going to do?

Dan, forget about fast cars, forget about exercise in the gym, forget about cool clothes.
You have to get a pilot's uniform. It's magic with women.
NICK
Captain Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
BRIDGET!!
BRIDGET
I wanna ride the pony!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Bridget, I want my breakfast now.
BRIDGET
Of course. What would you like?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I want fresh coconut milk, two rashers of crisp bacon, preserve of Morello cherries on French toast,
and coffee. Italian coffee.
BRIDGET
Fresh coconut milk, Italian coffee? I don't have....
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
So you have to go out and buy them for me. Oooh, ohhh, horrible.

HECTOR
Oh! Captain Hardy, what are we going to do?
NICK
It will be OK.
HECTOR
I am too young to die! You have to save us!
NICK
Try to be calm.
HECTOR
But what about my family? What about my cat?
NICK
Hold yourself together, woman.
HECTOR
What...
Slapping noise
NICK
Excellent! You were really good!
That was like Catherine Zeta-Jones.
HECTOR
You didn't have to slap me for real.
NICK
Oh, sorry, but I... oop!
NICK
Hello? Captain Chip Hardy speaking. [Sound of Hector in background making assorted noises].
What? Oh... OK, it's the director! Shh! What? What?! Erm, just a minute. The actress? She's ill? But
we must still do the play? No, we don't have much time.
Look, don't worry. I know the perfect person to play the part. Oh, yes, the perfect person. Bye!
Hector?
Hector!
HECTOR
Huh?
NICK
I have an extra ticket for Paris. Do you want to come with me?
HECTOR
Paris?
NICK
Oui, oui.
HECTOR
Excellent!
NICK & HECTOR

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
You call this a breakfast? Euurgggh! That's what I think of this! Ooh! Eurrh! And this! Aahh! And this!
Poofff! And I have a little washing for you.
[Sound of clicking fingers] In the bedroom.
Now, what shall I eat? Hmm!
BRIDGET
You call this a little washing?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, be quiet and do it.
ANNIE
Hi! I got some polish for Granny's chest.
BRIDGET
Nice.
ANNIE
Oh, I love it so much. It really reminds me of her.
Hey! You're eating my party food!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Yes. But it's not very good.
Here, Charley boy.
BRIDGET
Annie, Annie, please. I don't want to lose my job.
It's only for a few days.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Now which of you lucky girls is going to cut my toenails?
BRIDGET
Grrrr! I'm going to kill that woman!
ANNIE
No, no, let me.
NICK
Are you having fun with Eunice?
ANNIE & BRIDGET

Hmm.
HECTOR
Why don't you stay here while we are away?
NICK
Yeah.
ANNIE & BRIDGET

Erm, no, thank you.
ANNIE
Good luck in Paris!
Sound of atmospheric accordion music
HECTOR
Oh, Paris, c'est magnifique!

NICK
Hector, where were you?
Our play starts soon.
HECTOR
Oh, OK, good luck.
NICK
Hector, there's something I've got to tell you.
HECTOR
Oh, your play starts very soon. Where is the actress who plays the stewardess?
NICK
Huh! Well, actually she's right here.
HECTOR
Eh? Good joke!
NICK
The actress? She's ill.
HECTOR
Huh?
NICK
You are going to play the stewardess. Look, there's your costume.
HECTOR
You are not serious. You are serious?
NICK
Listen, Sylvia, I am gonna fly this plane. I will need all my crew. You are a professional. I am your
captain. Will you fly with me?
HECTOR
No. No. No, no, no. I am not doing it, hmm!
NICK
Sylvia! I'm proud of you.
HECTOR
Oh, shut up.
ANNIE
What's that?
BRIDGET
Come and have something to eat.
ANNIE
Well, the shape looks familiar.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
You've guessed. It is that chest.
I did some work on it for you.
ANNIE
Oh!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
It looked so boring. I gave it a whole new look. Da-daa!

Background atmospheric music
ANNIE
My grandmother's chest! Ohhh.....
BRIDGET
Annie. Annie, please...
ANNIE
Arrrghhhh!!

Oh, that woman!
I can't take much more of her!
And I don't know if I can control myself.
BRIDGET
Annie, Annie, please …
ANNIE
Arrrghhhh!!

Paris was great, but there was one problem, Sophie, my actress, was ill.
HECTOR
Where is the actress who plays the stewardess?
NICK
Huh! Well, she's ill.
HECTOR
Huh?

And I had to persuade Hector to play her part instead.
NICK
You are going to play the stewardess.
HECTOR
Oh, shut up.
NICK
Oooh, that was close!
We nearly missed the plane.
HECTOR
Look at the reviews. "Irresistible."
NICK
"Dazzling."
HECTOR
“And that was just her legs”!
NICK
"The hostess was beautiful - in a masculine way."
NICK & HECTOR

Aaarrrghhh! Aaarrrghhh!

HECTOR
What's going on?
P.A. ADDRESS
Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing some turbulence. There's nothing to worry about, except
that the pilot and co-pilot are both ill.
Erm, does anybody know how to fly a plane?
NICK & HECTOR

Aaarrrghhh!
NICK
Hector!
HECTOR
Huh?
NICK
Don't worry. I will fly this plane.
HECTOR
Nick, you cannot fly this plane!
NICK
I am Captain Chip Hardy. I can do anything!
HECTOR
You are just an actor. Captain Chip Hardy is your character.
NICK
But I have the heart of a pilot.
HECTOR
Tea? Coffee?
BRIDGET
Oh, wait a minute.
Hello? Oh, really? Oh, excellent! Goodbye.
ANNIE
Who was that?
BRIDGET
The builders. Eunice's flat is finished!
ANNIE
Really?
BRIDGET
Her flat is ready!
ANNIE
Wooooohhh! Our flat is ours again! Hoo-hooo-hooo!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hello, girls. Have you had a nice time?
BRIDGET
What happened here?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, just a little party! It was really fun!
BRIDGET
OK, Eunice. We've spoken to the builders.
Your flat's ready. You can go home now.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, I like it here. I think I'm going to stay.
Oh Bridget! Where's my coffee! And Annie, bring my new wig.
ANNIE & BRIDGET

Nooooooooooo!
BRIDGET
What do you mean?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
What do I mean? I am going to stay.
HECTOR
Aha! We are back! Paris was great and...
ANNIE
Oh, pilot Ken and stewardess Barbie!
HECTOR
But he really is a pilot! He flew the plane!
NICK
Well, for a moment, until the co-pilot punched me!
HECTOR
What happened here? A hurricane?
ANNIE
Yes, something like that.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Well, Nick, what's this? A new job?
NICK
Yeah, sort of.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
So Mr Pilot, shall we have some fun?
NICK
Yeah, OK!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Will you take my flying?
NICK
Ha-ha! OK!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Shall we stay here or go to my place?
NICK
Let's go to your place. This place is a mess!
Really, girls, you should tidy up a bit.

HECTOR
It is the uniform.
BRIDGET
Oh, at last, she's gone!
ANNIE
Oh, I’m exhausted!
HECTOR
Well, if you are tired, can I offer you some tea or coffee?
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Bridget is interested in modern art, Annie is fighting to free farm animals and
who else is coming to dinner?

Episode 25
Narrative
TV PRESENTER
It's Friday, it's 7 o'clock!
Yes, it's time for an evening with Marty Ross!!
AND HERE’S MARTY!
MARTY ROSS
Hi darling, Marty Ross here. Let's spend this evening together.
[Sound of rewind on TV] Hi darling, Marty Ross here. Let's spend this evening together.
[Sound of rewind on TV ]Hi darling, Marty Ross here. Let's spend this afternoon together.
BRIDGET
[Gasping noise] Marty! Hi! I was just writing notes for your show.
MARTY ROSS
You like what you see, eh?
BRIDGET
[Laughs]
Marty, you're so funny!
MARTY ROSS
[Clears throat]
Is Lady Macbeth in?
BRIDGET
Who?
MARTY ROSS
The dragon - Eunice.
BRIDGET
Oh. Oh no. Marty, you're so funny!
MARTY ROSS
Has Eunice got any tickets for Damian Pollasco's latest exhibition yet?
BRIDGET
Who?
MARTY ROSS
Damian Pollasco.
The most important artist this century.
He's so raw, so angry.
BRIDGET
Of course he is. Silly me. I forgot.
Good old Damian.
MARTY ROSS
Anyone who is anyone will be there tomorrow night.
[Clears throat] So of course I must be there.
Episode 25 Art 1
BRIDGET
Oh yes.
MARTY ROSS
So tell the dragon if there are no tickets, I will not present Saturday's show.
BRIDGET
But you must, Marty! You're the star!
MARTY ROSS
But if there are tickets, then I will take her out to dinner. In fact, I'll take anyone out to dinner who gets
me those tickets. Anyway, must go. I've got fans to ignore! Well? Carry on.
BRIDGET
Oh!
MARTY ROSS [On TV]

Hi, darling. Marty Ross here. Let's spend this evening together.
MARTY ROSS
What a professional!
BRIDGET
So if I get tickets for Damian Pollasco, I get dinner with Marty Ross!
Who do I know, who do I know? I know! Dave! He's crazy about me! [Sound of telephone number
being dialed]
Hi, Dave? It's Bridget. I've got a little favour to ask you.
HECTOR
Is anybody home? Annie, is that you? Is that Ziggy?
I think you should let her out.
ANNIE
Oh no, it's OK. We're seeing what it's like to be a battery chicken.
HECTOR
A chicken that runs on batteries?
ANNIE
No! A chicken that is kept in a small box to lay her eggs. Poor thing.
HECTOR
But isn't Ziggy a bit...
ANNIE
Oh no. It makes it more real, doesn't it, Ziggy. Tomorrow there is a big Farm Animal Freedom Protest
in Trafalgar Square and we will be demonstrating.
NICK
Demonstrating what?
ANNIE
What it's like to be a farm animal.
NICK
Oh! Sounds exciting!
ANNIE
Boggy and Moss are coming from Manchester.
ZIGGY
Yay!
Episode 25 Art 2
HECTOR
Boggy and Moss?
ANNIE
Boggy and Moss are very, very serious eco-warriors.
HECTOR
Eco-warriors?
ANNIE
They fight for the environment. And you two will help us prepare.
NICK
Ah-ah-ah-ah! Agh!!
ANNIE
Won’t you, boys!
BRIDGET
[Laughing]
Bye!
Good old Dave. I knew he'd help me. He just can't resist me. Now, Marty.
Sound of mobile phone
MARTY ROSS
Hi.
BRIDGET
Oh, hi, Marty. It's Gigi.
MARTY ROSS
Gee-Gee? ... ... Bridget who?
BRIDGET
Bridget!
Eunice's researcher.
MARTY ROSS
Have we met?
BRIDGET
Well, only about a hundred times!
Listen, I've got two preview tickets for Damian Pollasco.
MARTY ROSS
Oh, that Bridget. How could I forget you?
How about meeting for drinks at your place first?
BRIDGET
I'd, er, love to, but it's just a simple loft-style apartment.
MARTY ROSS
Well, I'm sure it's very arty. I can tell a lot about a woman from her art.
They call me Arty Marty, you know, and if I like your art, Bridget, maybe dinner afterwards?
BRIDGET
Oh, Marty! What a surprise! I'd love to!
MARTY ROSS
See you tomorrow, baby!
Episode 25 Art 3
BRIDGET
[Giggling]
Bye!
MARTY ROSS
Ciao!
BRIDGET
Dinner with Marty, dinner with Marty, dinner with Marty, dinner with Marty! What shall I wear? My flat -
arty? [Flashback sequence] - Annie, look at this flat.
ANNIE
Sorry, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Right, I've got twenty four hours.

It is the Farm Animal Freedom Protest tomorrow and Ziggy and I want to demonstrate what it is like to
be a poor farm animal.
HECTOR
I think you should let her out.
ANNIE
Oh no, it's OK.

Boggy and Moss the eco-warriors are coming from Manchester!
ANNIE
Boggie and Moss are very, very serious eco-warriors.

Oh, it’s so exciting!
ANNIE
And you two will help us prepare.

Guess what? Marty Ross and I are going to the preview of Damian Pollasco's exhibition!
BRIDGET
I’ve got two preview tickets for Damian Pollasco.

He’s coming to our apartment for drinks first.
Marty says he can tell a lot about a woman from her art!
MARTY ROSS
They call me Arty Marty, you know.
BRIDGET
And what is going on this time?
ANNIE
Oh, hi, Bridget. I'm feeding Hector cornflakes.
BRIDGET
Oh really? And why?
ANNIE
He's a turkey.
Episode 25 Art 4
BRIDGET
Ah yes, of course he is.
ANNIE
Turkeys are made to eat lots for Christmas.
BRIDGET
Well, we all eat lots at Christmas.
ANNIE
No, it's cruel. It's to make them fat for humans to eat.
BRIDGET
Let me guess - he is a baby cow?
ANNIE
Nearly. He is a veal calf. Poor thing.
We're preparing for our Farm Animal Freedom Protest.
BRIDGET
Oh no you're not.
You're preparing this flat because Marty Ross is coming for drinks.
NICK
Not Marty Ross? “Hey, darling, let's spend the evening together.”
BRIDGET
Shut up, Nick. Go back to your bottle.
ANNIE
So this preparation, what is it?
BRIDGET
I want this flat to look like the coolest art gallery in London -- the Tate Modern.
HECTOR
The Tate Modern?
NICK
No furniture.
BRIDGET
I want 21st century. I want art!
ANNIE
So how are you going to do this?
BRIDGET
I'm not going to do it - you are!
NICK
Oh.
BRIDGET
I must get my beauty sleep. See you in the morning. Have fun!
NICK
[Sound of burping]
Well, I'm not doing it.
ANNIE
Oh, come on, Nick. It won't take long.
Episode 25 Art 5
NICK
Uh-uh.
ANNIE
I'll give Ziggy the keys to your flat.
NICK
[Sound of nervous laughter]
OK, let's get on with it!
Sound of snoring
BRIDGET
There! That's better! Marty will love it!
ANNIE
The things I do for Bridget's love life.
NICK
What about Bridget's love life?
BRIDGET
Right, I'll be back with Marty at 6 o'clock, so Annie, I want nibbles...
HECTOR
Nibbles?
BRIDGET
...nuts, crisps.
Hector, you prepare the drinks and Nick... try to be more interesting and don't let me down.
NICK
“I want 21st century! I want art!”
Yeah! I'll show her interesting!
HECTOR
Poofff! I'm taking the day off work today.
ANNIE
Oh no, you're not. We've got lots to do before tonight.
HECTOR
Bridget's nibbles?
ANNIE
No! The Farm Animal Freedom Protest.
HECTOR
Oh.
ANNIE
Boggy and Moss are coming here and I want you to look after them, Hector, OK? Come on, Ziggy.
NICK
Interesting? I'll show you interesting, Bridget Evans. Hmm! Ah! Interesting, interesting! Nah, too
Picasso. Whooff! No, too sporty and stupid.
Yes! This is the one! Nah. [Imitates sound of cock crowing]
Don't be ridiculous. Nearly, not quite.
Bingo!
Episode 25 Art 6
What a day! What a night!
First I had to pretend I was a veal calf for Annie’s protest photos.
ANNIE
Poor thing. We're preparing for our Farm Animal Freedom Protest.

Ziggy fed me lots of milk.
Then, Bridget made us change the flat so it looked ‘arty.’
BRIDGET
I want 21st century! I want art!

It's all for stupid Marty Ross.
NICK
“Hey darling, let’s spend the evening together.”
BRIDGET
Shut up, Nick. Go back to your bottle.
HECTOR
Oh, ‘Oggy, Moss, mmm. Excuse me, I am not..., Come in, come in. Please sit down.
So, you are Annie's friends, huh? I am Annie's boyfriend. Would you like a drink? You would? You
wouldn't. Tea? Coffee? Sugar? Oh! Aha! [Sound of mobile phone ringing] It is my phone! I know
you know it is a phone, but it is ringing, so I must... excuse me.
Annie, I'm so happy you rang.
ANNIE
Hector, I'm in the ladies toilets in Trafalgar Square. Have Boggy and Moss arrived yet?
HECTOR
Yes. Annie, they are a bit...
ANNIE
Aren't they sweet?
HECTOR
Yes, very sweet. It is just that they...
… All right, chaps? Won't be a minute.
It is just that they are a bit scary.
ANNIE
Oh, Hector, don't be so silly.
HECTOR
Oh.
ANNIE
Tell them to come to Trafalgar Square now.
HECTOR
Great.
Oh! You found something to eat. Good. Ah, you like that? Good, good, good. Annie says you can go
to Trafalgar Square. Now.
[Sound of mobile phone ringing]
Oh! It is the phone again! Phones ring, don't they. They..., excuse me. Hello?
BRIDGET
Episode 25 Art 7
Hello, Hector. Did you get the nibbles?
HECTOR
Oh, the nibbles, the nibbles. Yes, of course Bridget.
BRIDGET
Well done, Hector. I knew I could rely on you.
HECTOR
That was Bridget, Annie's friend.
NICK
Now am I interesting? .. ... bad? Whoa! Hey! This is interesting!
HECTOR
Nick, what shall I do?
It was Boggy and Moss.
NICK
Oh, look, don't worry. We can tidy this up. Look! See? Look.
HECTOR
Yeah, that looks much better.
NICK
Still, at least I brought the drinks.
HECTOR
And I have the nibbles.
NICK
What?
HECTOR
The nibbles.
NICK
Very good.
HECTOR
Oh no! Boggy and Moss ate them!
NICK
Ahh! Look at this! Eh? Mmm! Tastes good. Mmm!
HECTOR
Mmm!
NICK
See? Bridget won't even notice the mess.
BRIDGET & MARTY

[Laughing]
BRIDGET
Oh, Marty, you're so funny! Anyway, here is my humble home.
NICK
Mr Ross, I'm a huge fan.
BRIDGET
What is that?
ANNIE
Episode 25 Art 8
It's a pig pen. We stole it from a farm lorry!
BRIDGET
What a shame, no pig.
ANNIE
Oh, Boggy and Moss are bringing her later.
BRIDGET
This place...
MARTY ROSS
This place is very...
BRIDGET
I'm so angry!
MARTY ROSS
Angry! I love it!
BRIDGET
Yes. Yes, it's my angry art phase. All my own ideas, you know.
NICK
Cocktail?
HECTOR
Nibble?
MARTY ROSS
And this is fantastic. Original?
BRIDGET
Oh, very original.
MARTY ROSS
Very Damian Pollasco. Ooh, I love art.
They call me Arty Marty, you know.
BRIDGET
Oh!
MARTY ROSS
Is it... for sale?
NICK
The man's an idiot. He wants to buy a wall.
Much too expensive.
HECTOR
Much too precious.
MARTY ROSS
Name your price.
MARTY ROSS
Can you deliver them to me tomorrow?
NICK
Sure. No problem.
BRIDGET
Nick, what's this cocktail called?
Episode 25 Art 9
NICK
Ah, it's an Arty Marty. It's rich, sickly and very thick.
Sound of laughter
BRIDGET
Oh, Nick, your date is here.
NICK
Of course she is.
Sound of pig snorting/laughter
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Nick goes to the dentist, Annie can't speak and why does an inspector call?
Episode 25 Art 10
Episode 26
Narrative
DETECTIVE HUNT
Bridget Evans? Annie Taylor? Detective David Hunt from the Metropolitan Police. Could I have a
word with you, please?
ANNIE
So we went to the restaurant and it was a very good vegetarian restaurant and I had the peppers
and Hector had the mushrooms, which was very nice because Hector doesn't like mushrooms, so
I said to him that it was good for him to try.
BRIDGET
Annie!
ANNIE
Oh, and then afterwards, we went for a lovely walk and it was such a beautiful evening, and the
birds were singing...
BRIDGET
Annie! Will you shut up!
ANNIE
Sorry.
BRIDGET
You have been talking non-stop for twenty minutes.
ANNIE
I know. It's, it's because I'm doing a sponsored silence for the charity Pigs With No Parents.
BRIDGET
Sponsored silence. So why are you talking?
ANNIE
Well, it doesn't start till 10 o'clock so if I talk a lot now, then I won't have to talk later. Anyway,
what's wrong with your mouth?
BRIDGET
Oh, er, nothing.
ANNIE
Have you got a spot? Oh! I'll call an ambulance.
BRIDGET
No, but I am going to see my beautician later.
ANNIE
What for?
Episode 26 Alibi 1
BRIDGET
Oh, just for a check-up.
ANNIE
A check-up? But you go to the dentist for a check-up, for your teeth.
BRIDGET
Exactly. I'm going to the beautician's to check...
ANNIE
Check that you're beautiful?
BRIDGET
Of course not. I don't have to check I'm beautiful, do I.
NICK
Oooh!
HECTOR
Hey, Nick, do you like my new clothes, huh? Nick!
NICK
Ohhhhhh!
HECTOR
Nick! What is the matter? You can tell me. Oh, you have a toothache. Then if you have a
toothache, you must go to the den.....
NICK
Aaaarrrghhh!
HECTOR
Can't I say the word 'den....? OK, I won't say the 'D' word. I call him, erm, plumber. OK, so when
did you last see the plumber?
NICK
Ah-ah?
HECTOR
That's not too bad, five months ago.
Five years ago? No?
When you were five years old?
NICK
Ah-ah-ah.
HECTOR
Whoo-hoo-hoo. It's going to be a big job. He'll need a big drill. Come on! The girls must know a
good plumber. Come on! Do you want a sweetie? Do you want a sweetie? Uh-uh-uh, sweets are
bad for your teeth. Come on.
NICK
Ah-ah-ah!
Episode 26 Alibi 2
HECTOR
Oh, hi, sugar-plum.
ANNIE
Hello, snuggly-puppykins. Ooh! Nice clothes. New?
HECTOR
Yeah, thanks.
ANNIE
Is Nick rehearsing for the pantomime?
HECTOR
No, he has a toothache so he must see the plumber.
ANNIE
No, no, no, Hector. For a toothache, he must see the dentist.
NICK
Whaaaaahhhh!
HECTOR
Shh, shh, shh! I know that, but Nick doesn't like the 'D' word.
ANNIE
Oh, dentist.
NICK
Ah-ah-ah!
HECTOR
So I'm calling the dentist a plumber. So do you know a good plumber?
BRIDGET
A plumber? What for?
ANNIE
Nick has toothache.
BRIDGET
Well, he doesn't need a plumber. He needs a dentist.
NICK
Aaah!
Sound of dentist’s drill
ANNIE
Yes, Hector, we have the number of a very good plumber - Julian.
BRIDGET
Oh, Julian! He's so gentle.
Episode 26 Alibi 3
ANNIE
He's so married! Oh, hi, Julian. Listen, we have an emergency here. What are the symptoms?
Oh, shaking, squealing..., yeah, just a toothache.
You can? Oh, thank you! Bye!
Sorted. He'll see Nick now.
HECTOR
OK, come on, Nick. Come on. Come on, Nick. Come on, Nick.
Assorted groaning noises/sound of door slamming
BRIDGET
Julian looked in my mouth once. He said, "Bridget, you've got wonderful teeth."
ANNIE
With a mouth that big, I'm surprised he didn't fall in!
BRIDGET
Hello? Who’s this? Bernard?
BRIDGET [In flashback]

Oh! Hello, Bernard.
ANNIE
Oh, hello, Bernard. You've been what? Robbed? When? When you were in the bath? All your
clothes? And your keys? Oh, poor Bernard. Listen, you must call the police, OK? OK. Bye.
Poor Bernard. It's ten o'clock! My sponsored silence starts now.

Oh, I've got a toothache. I don't want to go to the - dentist, but Hector says I must go.
HECTOR
He'll need a big drill.
NICK
Arrrghhh!
HECTOR
Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!!! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
NICK
Owwww!

This morning I started my sponsored silence for the charity Pigs With No Parents.
ANNIE
If I talk a lot now, then I won't have to talk later.

I won't have to speak, because Bridget has gone to see a beautician.
ANNIE
Have you got a spot?
Episode 26 Alibi 4
Oh!! It was urgent!!
ANNIE
I’ll call an ambulance!

You won't believe this, but our neighbour Bernard has had all his clothes stolen.
ANNIE
All your clothes? And your keys?

I wonder who could have done such a terrible thing?
Poor Bernard! I told him he must call the police.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Bridget Evans? Annie Taylor? Detective David Hunt from the Metropolitan Police. Could I have a
word with you, please? Why not? You can't speak, I'm sorry. Oh, you can speak.
Are you trying to be funny with me, young lady? I no speak for, hmm, one word, three syllables.
First syllable - sit. Seat? Chair? Second syllable - A, E, I, I, Tea. Chair-I-Tea. Chair-i-tea?
You're being silent for charity! Ah, but which charity? Cow? Dog? Cat?
Pig? Got it! Pigs Without Parents!
HECTOR
Is this man bothering you, Annie? Because if he is, I am going to show him some Argentinean....
DETECTIVE HUNT
Detective David Hunt of the Metropolitan Police.
HECTOR
...respect.
DETECTIVE HUNT
And you are?
HECTOR
Hector Romero.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Ah, I suspect you're not English, eh?
HECTOR
He is a very good detective.
NICK
Ha-ha-ha!
DETECTIVE HUNT
And you are?
NICK
[ …Unintelligible …]
Episode 26 Alibi 5
HECTOR
He's just been to see the plumber.
DETECTIVE HUNT
The plumber?
HECTOR
Yes, he had a toothache.
DETECTIVE HUNT
But you don't go to the plumber when you've got a toothache.
You go to the den....
HECTOR
Biscuit?
DETECTIVE HUNT
Den....
Anyway, I'm here to investigate a robbery of Bernard Reynolds.
HECTOR
Huh! Somebody has stolen Bernard!
NICK
Ha-ha-ha-ha!!
DETECTIVE HUNT
It's not a robbery. Bernard Reynolds' clothes!
HECTOR
Oh, who would want Bernard's clothes?
DETECTIVE HUNT
So I'm investigating everybody in the building, because someone has stolen Bernard Reynolds'
clothes. Where were you last night?
HECTOR
I was with Annie. Annie?
DETECTIVE HUNT
Oh, it's OK. She can't speak for chair-I-tea! Anyway, what about Nwiff?
NICK
Huh? Well, I [Assorted noises].
HECTOR
Show me, Nick.
NICK
[Assorted noises].
HECTOR
Ah! I went to Leo's Bar...
Episode 26 Alibi 6
NICK
[Assorted noises].
HECTOR
I had a beer...
NICK
[Assorted noises].
HECTOR
There was a beautiful girl...
NICK
[Assorted noises].
HECTOR
And a motorbike?
DETECTIVE HUNT
You were with a young woman on a motorbike? Motorbike. Registration?
NICK
[Assorted noises].
DETECTIVE HUNT
Name of the young woman?
NICK
[Assorted noises].
HECTOR
Oh, he wasn't with her.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Ah! The young woman was on television on a motorbike!
HECTOR & NICK

[Assorted noises].
DETECTIVE HUNT
I saw that! Very nice! Gee, I'm getting good at this.

Anyway, I was being silent and there was a knock on the door.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Bridget Evans? Annie Taylor?

It was a policeman, a detective!
DETECTIVE HUNT
Detective David Hunt from the Metropolitan Police. Could I have a word with you, please?
Episode 26 Alibi 7
Unfortunately, I could not speak, because of my sponsored silence.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Chair-i-Tea?

And worse still, I had to tell him why.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Got it! ‘Pigs Without Parents!’
NICK
Oh!!

When Hector and I came back from the dentist – [oww!] - a policeman was waiting for us. He
wanted to know where I was last night. [Uh-oh!] ... .. .. .... Huh? Oh, well, I ... ... ... .. Ow!
Anyway, Hector managed to translate for me, unfortunately!
DETECTIVE HUNT
Motorbike. Registration?
NICK
[Assorted noises].
DETECTIVE HUNT
Name of the young woman?
NICK
[Assorted noises].
BERNARD REYNOLDS
Oh, there you are!
DETECTIVE HUNT
Oh, hello, Mr Reynolds.
BERNARD REYNOLDS
Well, have you caught them?
DETECTIVE HUNT
Who?
BERNARD REYNOLDS
The robbers.
The robbers who stole my clothes.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Ah, yes. My investigations are going very well.
BERNARD REYNOLDS
[Makes loud sneezing noise]
Episode 26 Alibi 8
HECTOR
Oh, you have a cold, Bernard? Oh, you need some clothes?
BERNARD REYNOLDS
What a week!
First Mum went away to play bingo all weekend!
HECTOR
Bingo?
NICK
[Assorted noises].
BERNARD REYNOLDS
Two fat ladies, 88.
NICK
[Assorted noises].
BERNARD REYNOLDS
Clickety-click, 66. Well, anyway, and then someone stole my clothes.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Bingo!
BERNARD REYNOLDS
Ah, Digestives! My favourite.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Aha! You must be Miss Evans.
HECTOR
And this is Sherlock Holmes!
DETECTIVE HUNT
Bridget, I'd like to ask you a few questions.
BRIDGET
Bernard's wearing my dressing gown! What are you staring at?
HECTOR
Nothing.
NICK
[Assorted noises].
DETECTIVE HUNT
Is there something wrong with your top lip?
BRIDGET
No.
BERNARD REYNOLDS
Yes, there is. It's bright red.
Episode 26 Alibi 9
BRIDGET
It doesn't show, does it?
HECTOR & BERNARD

No, no, no.
BRIDGET
They told me in the salon no one would notice! [Sound of Bridget blowing her nose]. Thank you.
I wanted perfect lips, but I didn't have enough money, so a student did them.
HECTOR
What, a butcher student?
DETECTIVE HUNT
There, there. You're still very pretty.
BRIDGET
Am I? Really?
DETECTIVE HUNT
Really. Where were you last night?
BRIDGET
Looking in the mirror.
DETECTIVE HUNT
All night?
BRIDGET
Yes, all night.
DETECTIVE HUNT
How can anyone spend all night looking at themselves in the mirror?
NICK
[Assorted noises].
HECTOR
Oh, Bridget would.
Episode 26 Alibi 10
DETECTIVE HUNT
So let me summarise everybody's alibis.
Annie is doing a sponsored silence for ‘Pigs With No Parents.’ She would not have had time to
take Bernard's clothes. And what's more, Bernard's clothes would be too big for her.
Hmm, Nwiff was watching ‘Babes and Bikes’ on television. I watched that too, so he may be
telling the truth.
Bridget was looking at herself in the mirror all night. Huh! An unlikely story.
However, if I accuse her, she'll start crying again and I can't stand hysterical women.
Which brings me to Hector.
Hector's wearing a terrible suit. It looks stolen.
Nobody would buy it, surely.
And his only alibi is Annie, and guess what?
She can't speak!
But the clues do speak!
Hunt, you're a genius!
I think that someone here is not telling the truth and I think that someone is you!
HECTOR
But I told you: I was with Annie.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Annie hasn't said she was with you.
BERNARD REYNOLDS
That's true.
HECTOR
She can't speak. She is doing a sponsored silence for chair-I-tea.
DETECTIVE HUNT
It doesn't matter. Did you go out at all?
HECTOR
Yes.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Where?
HECTOR
Shopping.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Shopping? For what?
HECTOR
Some new clothes.
DETECTIVE HUNT
These new clothes? Now let me get this straight. You need some new clothes and Mr Reynolds'
clothes have been stolen. So what does that tell me?
HECTOR
Yes, but I...
Episode 26 Alibi 11
DETECTIVE HUNT
Why buy new clothes when you can steal somebody else's?
BERNARD REYNOLDS
Yeah!
ANNIE
Oooh!! Do these look like Bernard's clothes?
HECTOR, BRIDGET, NICK & DETECTIVE HUNT

Ooooh!!
BERNARD REYNOLDS
They could be. My colour.
ANNIE
Oh no! I spoke! You! You made me speak!
BRIDGET, NICK & HECTOR

Oooh!
BRIDGET
Hello? Yes, he's here. I'll get him. Bernard? It's your mother.
BERNARD REYNOLDS
Hello, Mum. You're back. How was bingo?
Mum, someone stole my clothes.
Oh! Oh! Ah.
HECTOR & NICK

Ahhh.
BERNARD REYNOLDS
OK. Right, I'm off. Mum's back.
She's cooking my tea.
BRIDGET
Bernard, what about your clothes?
BERNARD REYNOLDS
It's OK. She's got them.
DETECTIVE HUNT
What?!
HECTOR
What?
NICK
What?
BERNARD REYNOLDS
She put them in the washing machine before she went to bingo.
Episode 26 Alibi 12
HECTOR & NICK
Oh.
BERNARD REYNOLDS
Bye!
HECTOR
So Bernard's clothes were in the washing machine all the time.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Well, yes, as I suspected. That's another case solved. I'll be off then.
ANNIE
Oh no you won't.
DETECTIVE HUNT
What?!
ANNIE
You owe me £120 for ‘Pigs With No Parents.’ You made me speak.
DETECTIVE HUNT
Well, will dollars do?
NICK
Ow!!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, the girls enter a game show and guess what Hector finds on his jumper?
Episode 26 Alibi 13
Episode 27
Narrative
TV VOICE OVER
It’s time for Can You Live Without … And here’s someone you just can’t live without – it’s
MARTY!!
MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]

But what Sharon doesn’t realise is we’ve got a camera in the bathroom. Ha-ha-ha!!
ANNIE
Oh, that’s disgusting!
She must know that we can see her!
HECTOR
Ooh, I think it is quite clever!

But what are Paul and Mandy doing in the living room?
BRIDGET
They’re kissing.
They’re kissing.
NICK
They’re not kissing, they’re whispering.
BRIDGET
What? Do you call this whispering?
NICK
Aaah! Let’s think of another name for it!
BRIDGET
Paul and Mandy said they could live without kissing for twenty four hours, and look – they’ve
failed!

And Paul and Mandy lose points for that. We’ve caught them kissing – see you after the break!
VOICE OVER/ADVERTISEMENT
Can You Live Without is sponsored by Clouds Toilet Tissue.
ANNIE
Well, I couldn’t live without kissing Hector for twenty four hours.
BRIDGET
Why don’t you try?
ANNIE
Hector! I wish you’d stop chewing gum!
Episode 27 Can You Live Without?

1
HECTOR
I’m not chewing.
ANNIE
Yes you are! You’re always chewing.
HECTOR
No … ooh-ooh.
ANNIE
I bet you couldn’t stop chewing gum for twenty four hours.
HECTOR
Well yes I could, and anyway you suck your thumb.
ANNIE
I do not.
Well, only when I’m stressed.
NICK
Hey! I’ve had an idea!
ANNIE & BRIDGET

Oh no!
NICK
… We could be contestants on – Can You Live Without …?
ASSORTED SPEAKERS
Oh/ah/hmm/oh.
NICK
We could do it.
It’s just twenty four hours of giving up our favourite things! It would be easy! Think of the prize
money!
BRIDGET
And Marty Ross presents it.
He would come to my apartment again!
HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK

Oh no!
BRIDGET
Oh Marty, he’s got such good taste.
MARTY ROSS [Flashback to previous episode]

And this is fantastic – original.
ANNIE
So what happened to Marty?
BRIDGET
Oh, he said he needed time away from me to really appreciate me.
NICK
Oh, so he dumped you then.

2
BRIDGET
He did not! Ow!!
ANNIE
Anyway, Bridget, are you feeling persuasive?
BRIDGET
Of course, I’m always feeling persuasive.
ANNIE
Well, it’s time to persuade Marty that we want to go on Can You Live Without … And then Marty
can make it happen.
BRIDGET
I’ll try.
Loud thumping noise
NICK
Ow!!!
VOICE ON TANNOY
Mr Ross to Studio B please.
Sound of door opening/shutting/laughter
BRIDGET
Hello Marty.
MARTY ROSS
Hello.
Ah, erm, …
BRIDGET
Bridget!
MARTY ROSS
Bridget?
BRIDGET
Bridget, Eunice’s researcher!
We had dinner last month.
MARTY ROSS
Oh, that Bridget, erm, what do you want?
BRIDGET
I’ve got something to say.
MARTY ROSS
Well, I’m not the father!
BRIDGET
… Oh no! Nothing like that!
MARTY ROSS
Oh well, what is it then?

3
BRIDGET
My friends and I want to be contestants on Can You Live Without …
MARTY ROSS
Oh, I wish I could help you, but it’s not my decision, it’s the producer’s. Now, I must go.
BRIDGET
Erm, you can’t help me.
Well that’s a shame.
MARTY ROSS
Yes it is.
BRIDGET
Because I’d hate for the newspapers to see this. Ah-huh. Or this. Hmm.
MARTY ROSS
Where did you get them?
BRIDGET
Hah! Don’t you remember? I’m Eunice’s researcher.
I research! Oh, I wish I could help you, but it’s not my decision, it’s the newspapers’.
MARTY ROSS
All right, all right. I’ll see what I can do.

I love the TV show Can You Live Without …
ANNIE
It’s time to persuade Marty that we want to go on Can You Live Without …

I think Bridget, Nick, Hector and I should go on it.
Sometimes I wonder whether Hector can live without chewing gum!
ANNIE
Hector, I wish you’d stop chewing gum!

Guess what! I persuaded Marty Ross to get us on Can You Live Without …
BRIDGET
… Because I’d hate for the newspapers to see this. Ah-hah. Or this.

If we can live without our favourite things, we’ll win a super holiday.
NICK
We could do it! It’s just twenty four hours of giving up our favourite things!

It will be easy for me, but I don’t know about the others.
Loud thumping noise

4
NICK
Ow!!
TV VOICE OVER
It’s time for Can You Live Without … And here’s someone you just can’t live without – IT’S
MARTY!!
MARTY ROSS
Hello darlings!
Do you want to spend the next twenty four hours with me?!
AUDIENCE
YEAH!!
MARTY ROSS
Correct answer! Yes, let’s see what the people who live – here, can live without.
But huh, it looks like they live without anything, anyway!
Now, let’s meet the contestants
Sound of cheering/applause
MARTY ROSS
You first, pretty lady, what’s your name?
BRIDGET
Oh, you already know my name, Marty.
MARTY ROSS
Hah-hah-hah, we have a pretty joker here!
Don’t get smart, sweetie, this is my show, photo or no photo.
BRIDGET
Erm, Bridget.
MARTY ROSS
Good luck, Bridget.
Applause/sound of wolf whistles
MARTY ROSS
… And who do we have here?
ANNIE
Hello. My name is Annie and I’m Hector’s girlfriend – and I love Charley, erm, my, my dog.
MARTY ROSS
So, which one could you live without?
ANNIE
Oh, erm …
MARTY ROSS
Ha-ha, enough said! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Sound of applause

5
MARTY ROSS
And this is Hector. So, Hector, Annie loves her dog more than you, ha-ha-ha-ha!
Mind you, Hector does sound like a dog’s name, doesn’t it! Here Hector, here boy! Oh-oh, don’t
bite!
And, last of all and least of all, ha-ha-ha-ha, it’s erm, hello, is anybody there? I know, you’re a
fish, ha-ha-ha-ha!
NICK
Ahm, hi … [sound of Nick clearing his throat/stumbling over words] … Erm, Nick.
MARTY ROSS
Hi, N-N-Nick! And what do you like?
NICK
[sound of Nick stumbling over words]
MARTY ROSS
Bananas!
NICK
Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba …
MARTY ROSS
Baboons, you like baboons! You are a baboon then!
You’re a small baboon!
NICK
Ba-ba-ba …
MARTY ROSS
… It’s not baboons. You like b-babes!
NICK
B-irds …
MARTY ROSS
Sorry, this is Nick and he likes babes.
Sound of applause
MARTY ROSS
Well, let’s get on with it.
As usual, each of these contestants has picked one thing that their flatmates cannot live without
for twenty four hours!
Bridget – you must live without chocolate [ah!] mirrors [ah!] and makeup! [Ahh!]
Sound of applause
MARTY ROSS
Annie, you must live without touching Hector, sucking your thumb and most of all, you must live
without Charley!
Sound of applause
MARTY ROSS
Hector, you must live without – touching Annie and chewing gum.

6
Sound of applause
MARTY ROSS
Nick, you must live without talking about babes, or talking about motorbikes! And all of you must
live without television, magazines and music – twenty four hours of living without starts now!!
Sound of applause
MARTY ROSS
Come on, Charley. You’re coming with me.
Sound of Charley whining
MARTY ROSS
Don’t forget – I’ll be watching!
Sound of applause
NICK
No television!
ANNIE & BRIDGET

Aah!
BRIDGET
No touching. If you touch, we lose points and we won’t win a big prize. Aaah!!
No makeup, what must I look like? Ah!!
ANNIE
Ah-ah-ah-ah, and no mirrors!
NICK
[Makes baboon-type noises]

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Look at that guy, he looks like a monkey at the zoo! So how will they do? Top
points could mean a holiday in the Caribbean!
But- if they fail they lose points and their prize holiday could be this!
Of course we might give them one or two temptations to make interesting television.
Join me after the break!

So, Bridget has to live without make-up, mirrors and chocolate.
BRIDGET
Aah!

Annie mustn’t suck her thumb and Hector must stop chewing gum. Oh, Hector and Annie mustn’t
touch each other.
MARTY ROSS
You must live without touching Hector.

Me? I mustn’t talk about babes and motorbikes.

7
MARTY ROSS
Nick, you must live without talking about babes, or talking about motor bikes.

That doesn’t stop me dreaming about them, though!
MARTY ROSS
Twenty four hours of living without starts now!
NICK
I think it’s going to rain.
ANNIE
Do you?
HECTOR
I agree.
NICK
Manchester United are doing well.
ANNIE
Are they?
HECTOR
I agree.
NICK
I think it’s going to rain.
BRIDGET
Weather and football, is that all you can talk about?
NICK
No, well yesterday I met this really cute b…
ANNIE, HECTOR & BRIDGET

Aaah!
ANNIE
Don’t say it! Do not talk about babes or motorbikes!
HECTOR
Hey!
ANNIE
Careful!

Bridget, no mirrors, you lose ten points!
BRIDGET
But it’s not a mirror, it’s a kettle!

Don’t argue! You lose another ten points!

8
Well, it’s all quiet now! Ha-ha-ha! What about some temptation!
BRIDGET
Hector, what is in your mouth?
HECTOR
Nothing.
ANNIE
Are you chewing gum, Hector?
HECTOR
No.
BRIDGET
No he’s not. He’s chewing this!
ANNIE
Open!
BRIDGET
That was from the Red Sea, it cost a lot of money.
Ah! Grr! I could kill for some chocolate!

Ha-ha-ha-ah! This should be fun!
BRIDGET [Reading note]

Bridget, I love the show, oh, love from, oh, Orlando Bloom! Ah! Ah! Orlando Bloom, watching me!
Oh, I hope you didn’t hear me say that! Ha-ha-ha-ha! What do I look like? Oh, what do I look
like?! Oh!!
Sound of Charley whining
HECTOR
What are you doing, Annie?
ANNIE
Oh! I’m talking to Charley!

Annie, you must live without Charley, you lose ten points! Ha-ha-ha!
ANNIE
What?!!
ANNIE
Hector, don’t move!
HECTOR
What is it?
ANNIE
It, it’s OK, just don’t move!

9
HECTOR
I’m not going anywhere!

Ooh, what Hector doesn’t know is that we’ve put that spider on his jumper! Ooh, this is wonderful
TV!
ANNIE
Oh, think, think! Ah, one minute! Ah-ha! That’s better.
Now, we’ll just brush this little fellow off.
HECTOR
Don’t touch it!
ANNIE
It’s, it’s OK.
I’m sure it’s not poisonous!
HECTOR
How do you know?
Anyway, if you touch me, we will lose points!
NICK
[Making kissing noises]
Thank you, thank you – oh – mmm – prrr- prrr –prrr!
Yeah! [Sound of kissing] … … … Ah!
ANNIE
OK. Now – stay still! Hah!
HECTOR
Oh, oh-oh!!
ANNIE
Don’t move!
Hang on a minute!
HECTOR
Oh!
ANNIE
Hector! This is a toy!
HECTOR
Oh, ha-ha-ha! I knew that!
ANNIE
Oh Hector, you were so funny! Marty has played a trick on us!
HECTOR
Yeah, very funny!

Ooh! Who’s a cross boy?! Things are getting really hot now and they’ve still got over twelve hours
to go!

10
ANNIE
You know Hector, I really think we can do this! We can win that holiday!
HECTOR
Mmm.
BRIDGET
Hello Annie.
ANNIE
Bridget, what are you doing in there?
BRIDGET
I’m erm, just reading the electricity meter.
ANNIE
Come here.
And why are you wearing dark glasses?
BRIDGET
I don’t want Orlando to see me without make-up.
ANNIE
Bridget! Is that chocolate?!
BRIDGET
Erm, no! Oh!
But they’re from Orlando! Oh!

Ha-ha-ha, no chocolate, Bridget, you lose one hundred points!
Sound of motorbike revving
NICK
Nick has entered the building!
BRIDGET
Nick!

Yes! Annie and Hector touched, they lose two hundred points!
ANNIE
What?!
HECTOR
It was an accident!

Ha-ha-ha! And best of all Nick, you can’t live without motorbikes! So you lose five hundred points!
BRIDGET
No, no, no, no! You said, no talking about motorbikes, actually, big nose!
NICK
Yeah, Marty, so thanks for the present, you can keep your holiday! Hah!

11
What?! You can’t do that!
NICK
Baby, fancy a ride?
BRIDGET
Ye-ah!
Oh Hector, this is for Marty, or should I say – Martina!
Sound of laughter
NICK
So Marty, if you want the bike, come and get it!
HECTOR
Sorry Marty, we can live without you!
Goodbye! Oh, and Marty I think your audience will love this picture of you!
MARTY ROSS
Oh-no-no-no!!
HECTOR
Come on Annie, we have lots of catching up to do!
ANNIE
Oh Hector, catch me!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA! Nick plays Santa, while Hector and Annie play under the mistletoe …
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK

Oh come all ye faithful, joyful and triumph …
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
BRIDGET
Oh come ye, oh come ye to da-da-da-da!

12
Episode 28
Narrative
Christmas music
ANNIE
Mmm. I love this time of year! Sleigh bells, mince pies, presents under the tree!
HECTOR
What? Easter?
ANNIE
No, silly! Christmas!
HECTOR
Oh!!
ANNIE
I’m going to show you what a traditional English Christmas is like, starting with – mistletoe.
HECTOR
Mistle-toe?
ANNIE
It’s an English tradition.
When you stand under it, you can kiss someone.
HECTOR
But – I am not under any mistletoe.
ANNIE
You are now.
HECTOR
Oh-ho-ho!!
BRIDGET
Oh, you poor things! You’re stuck together again. Don’t worry, I can help! There, panic over!
Right, I’m off.
ANNIE
What? Another television party?
BRIDGET
Not a party, three more parties. And that’s just tonight.
ANNIE
But you’ve been to a Christmas party every night for two weeks!
BRIDGET
I know, it’s so difficult being so popular. First, there’s a champagne party at the Savoy, then at
nine o'clock I’ll get a taxi to the Ritz and get changed on the way.
Episode 28 Christmas 1
HECTOR
What? In the taxi?
BRIDGET
Naturally.
HECTOR
Ho-ho-ho.
BRIDGET
And then at eleven thirty I’ll get a taxi to Annabel’s.
HECTOR
Annabel, who is she?
BRIDGET
Annabel’s, the night club.
HECTOR
Will you change your clothes in the taxi again?!
BRIDGET
And there I hope I will meet a young, handsome man, an early Christmas present!
NICK
I hate Christmas!
BRIDGET
Did you have a bad day at the grotto dear?
NICK
Ha-hmm!
ANNIE
Nick, is that snow?
NICK
No.
ANNIE
Well, what’s that on your beard then?
NICK
I was holding this baby – coo-goo-goo-goo, when suddenly – ergh! Ha, Christmas!
ANNIE
But children love Christmas.
NICK
Hmm.
BRIDGET
Is the money good?
NICK
N-Yeah.
BRIDGET
Well, stop complaining then!
NICK
S-sss!
ANNIE
Hector and I are going to have a lovely Christmas, aren’t we Hector.
HECTOR
Mmm.
BRIDGET
Christmas is all about parties and PRESENTS!
ANNIE
So Bridget, have you got your Christmas stocking ready?
HECTOR
Ha! She’s taking her stockings off in the taxi!
NICK
Ahh! Ha-hmm-hmm.
BRIDGET
… Don’t wait up.
Sound of door closing
HECTOR
Erm, what is a Christmas stocking?
ANNIE
On Christmas Eve, you hang up your Christmas stocking and a big, jolly Father Christmas comes
and fills it up with presents!
NICK
Ho-ho-ho.
Crashing noise/scream
BRIDGET
Who put that sleigh there?!!
NICK
Ooh! My sleigh! I forgot. Oh-oh-oh!
Sound of running footsteps/door slams/Christmas music
BRIDGET
Mind my leg. Oh!!
BRIDGET
Right, right. Whoa-whoa, not too fast! Oh, I feel terrible!
ANNIE
Oh, poor Bridget, are you in pain?
BRIDGET
No, but what about the parties? I can’t go like this!
NICK
I could take you dancing!
BRIDGET
Ow!!
Christmas is cancelled!
Sound of cracker being pulled
NICK
Hey, hee-hee-hee!
HECTOR
Is that it?
NICK
Yeah, crackers are great!
HECTOR
So, what else do you have at Christmas?
NICK
Oh, turkey, Christmas pudding, mince pies.
HECTOR
Mince pies.
How do you make them?
NICK
Oh, it’s just pastry and mincemeat.
HECTOR
Mince meat?
NICK
Yeah, it’s traditional, it’s sultanas, raisins and spices. It’s mince …
HECTOR
… Meat.
NICK
Yeah, ah-hah … Hey, listen to this, what do you get if you cross a chicken with a clock?
HECTOR
I don’t know.
NICK
An alarm cluck!
An alarm cluck! Ha-ha!
HECTOR
I don’t get it.
NICK
An alarm cluck! Cluck-cluck-cluck, one a cluck, two a cluck, cluck-cluck-cluck!
HECTOR
A clock?!
Christmas music

Oh, I love Christmas. Mince pies, mistletoe.
HECTOR
Mistle-toe?
ANNIE
It’s an English tradition, when you stand under it, you can kiss someone.

Poor Nick is having a difficult time playing Father Christmas.
NICK
I was holding this baby – coo-goo-goo-goo, when suddenly … !

Those naughty children! He-he-he!

I hate Christmas! I had so many exciting parties to go to.
BRIDGET
It’s so difficult being so popular.

But stupid Nick left his stupid sleigh in the hall.
NICK
Oh, my sleigh! I forgot!

I fell over it and broke my leg!
Crashing noise/scream
Christmas music
HECTOR
Boom-dikka-ding-boom-ding-ding-ding – right, mince pies!
First, the pastry! And now the minced meat from the best butcher!
Christmas music
HECTOR
Mmm, they smell good, don’t they Charley.
ANNIE
Phew! Well I’ve finished all my Christmas shopping.
HECTOR
Oh madam! Refreshment? Mince pie?
ANNIE
Mince pies? Oh Hector, you are clever.
HECTOR
I followed the rec-eep.
ANNIE
… ‘p’.
HECTOR
Mince ‘p’?
ANNIE
No, no, no. Rec-ipe.
HECTOR
Oh, rec-ipe.
ANNIE
Mmm.
HECTOR
Hmm.
ANNIE
Umm.
HECTOR
Good choice, madam. Merry Christmas!
ANNIE
Yuk!!
HECTOR
Something wrong?
ANNIE
It’s dal-icious, delicious ahm. Erm, you know, Hector, Christmas is all about sharing. Erm, would
you like some, Charley?
ANNIE & HECTOR

Hmm/Mmm/Umm.
ANNIE
Hey, it’s Saint Nicholas!
NICK
Oh!
HECTOR
Nick, what happened to your beard?
NICK
Ah, one Christmas candle, one small child – woomph!
Laughter
NICK
Hey, mince pies, yummy, yeah!
HECTOR
With best mince from the best butcher. Mmm.
ANNIE
Erm, Hector.
HECTOR
Hmm?
ANNIE
What did you put in the pies?
HECTOR
Mince meat – from the best butcher.
ANNIE
This is mincemeat. This is minced meat.
HECTOR
Isn’t it the same thing?
ANNIE
Not quite.
NICK
Ha-ha! Delicious!
ANNIE
Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s make this a special Christmas, just for Bridget.
Sound of knocking on door/Christmas music
MALE NURSE
Night-night.
ANNIE
Hey Bridget, do you want to come carol singing?
HECTOR
Who is Carol?
ANNIE
Carols are Christmas songs. You knock on people’s doors and sing to them for money.
NICK
Let’s do it! Hmm!
ANNIE
For charity!
For poor little children.
NICK
Huh!
ANNIE
Some children have no Christmas.
BRIDGET
Just like me.
ANNIE
And your job as Santa Claus is so important.
You help children to believe in Christmas!
NICK
Yes, you’re right, Annie, I do.
My job is important! I help children to believe!!
Christmas music
ANNIE
Right, let’s go!
BRIDGET
I’ll go, only if we can sing Abba songs.
HECTOR
And that will make you happy? Here, have a mince pie.
BRIDGET
Oh, all right.
Christmas music
BRIDGET
Ugh!

“Away in a manger …”
OFF SCREEN VOICE

Dog in a manger, more like, good night!
“Silent night …”
OFF SCREEN VOICE

I wish you were, all night!

“We Three Kings of Orient are … one on a scooter, one in a car ….”
OFF SCREEN VOICE

Get lost!

“Merrily on high …”
OFF SCREEN VOICE

Get ‘em Gnasher.

“O Come All Ye Faithful, joyful and triumph …”
Sound of dogs barking
BRIDGET
[Voice fades into background singing ‘O Come All Ye Faithful]
Christmas music
HECTOR
Hi Annie, I like the tree.
ANNIE
Oh thank you, it’s nearly finished.
HECTOR
Please, use these. My decorations.
ANNIE
Oh, sweet, Hector. Are they from Argentina?
HECTOR
No, Oxford Street. Aren’t they great!
ANNIE
Oh, great.
ANNIE
Oh, hi Nick. How was your last day as Santa Claus?
NICK
Great! Such nice children. One of them let me play with his binoculars!
ANNIE
Really.
NICK
Oh, and I’ve just finished my Christmas shopping.
ANNIE
But the shops are shut now.
NICK
No, the petrol station was open. Look I’ve bought my mum this.
HECTOR
A map of Watford.
ANNIE
But your mum doesn’t live in Watford.
NICK
Oh I know. She might go there one day, though! I bought shampoo for my sister.
HECTOR
Car shampoo.
NICK
Yeah, and after shave for my dad. Ha-ha-ha! Mmm.
I like the tree. Ooh, but I love these! Hey, I’ve got some too, it was the last day of the grotto today,
so they were throwing these away. Ha-ha, can you believe it! Ha-ha!
Christmas music
ANNIE
No!
Christmas music
HECTOR & NICK

Perfect.
ANNIE
Well, it might make Bridget laugh.
HECTOR
Why?
ANNIE
I know, if Bridget can’t go to her parties, let’s have a party here!
NICK
When?
ANNIE
Oh, I don’t know. In about fifteen minutes!
BRIDGET
Oh! Oh! Look at the Christmas tree!
ANNIE
I know. It makes me want to cry too.
BRIDGET
What’s the point of having Christmas if I can’t go to my Christmas party?! Now Christmas just
makes me cry!
HECTOR
Oh, Bridget, cheer up. Tomorrow is Christmas Day.
BRIDGET
[Sound of crying]
HECTOR
Have you got your stocking?
BRIDGET
Yes.
NICK
Hah, yes, and I’ve got mine!
ANNIE
What are you hoping for? A motor bike?
NICK
Ye-es! Why not?
BRIDGET
The only thing that will make this Christmas worse is if you invited all my friends round for a
surprise party to cheer me up.
ANNIE
Ah.
ASSORTED VOICES
Surprise!!
BRIDGET
Oh!!

Hector made us mince pies.
HECTOR
And now the mince meat, from the best butcher!

The problem is, he used minced meat, instead of mincemeat.
ANNIE
Yuk!

Oh well! He did try!
HECTOR
They smell good, don’t they Charley.
HECTOR, NICK, BRIDGET & ANNIE

“Silent Night …”

To cheer Bridget up, we went carol singing.
ANNIE, NICK, BRIDGET & HECTOR

“We Three Kings of Orient are … one on a scooter, one in a car …”
OFF SCREEN VOICE

Good night!

People loved us!
BRIDGET
“Joyful and triumph …”

I also organized a surprise party for Bridget, she was surprised!
ANNIE
Ah.
ASSORTED VOICES
Surprise!!
BRIDGET
No-oo!

Tomorrow is Christmas Day and Bernard is coming for lunch. What fun!
Christmas music/sound of knocking on door
ANNIE
Hang on, I’m coming!
BERNARD
Ho-ho-ho, merry Christmas!
ANNIE
Oh, hello Bernard, merry Christmas.
I’m sorry, we had a little party last night.
BERNARD
Erm, I’m here for dinner.
ANNIE
Isn’t it a bit early?
BERNARD
Ten o'clock, time for a sherry.
ANNIE
Bernard, where’s your mother?
BERNARD
At church.
Sound of TV being switched on
ANNIE
Well I’ll just go and get dressed.
Christmas music
NICK
“To Bernard, Love from Annie.” Ha-ha.
BERNARD
Sherry. Thanks, Annie. Nearly finished this one.
NICK
“To Bridget, Love from Annie.”
BRIDGET
A – a flea collar. I haven’t got fleas!
ANNIE
I’m sorry, Bridget, wrong label. It was meant for Charley!
NICK
Hah! Is she sure it was meant for Charley?! Ha-ha! “To Bridget, from Hector.” Ooh!
BRIDGET
Oh thank you Hector, you shouldn’t have. What to Wear at Christmas Parties. Oh!!
HECTOR
I bought it before you …
BRIDGET
I’ve got a little something for you, Nick.
NICK
Whoo-hoo, goody! ‘Gorilla – because you are the original man.’ Whoo, ha-ha, it smells like a
gorilla.
BRIDGET
Well, you should know.
NICK
Ooh, I wonder what this could be. Ah.
HECTOR
Merry Christmas, sugar plum.
ANNIE
Merry Christmas, snugly-puppykins.
One heart, forever.
BRIDGET
This will stop it!
ANNIE
Bridget, nothing will stop my love for Hector.
Sound of coughing
ANNIE
Well …
Christmas music/sound of knocking on door
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I just called to say Merry Christmas!
Ah! Mmm!
Christmas music
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Ah! Hector, Mmm.
Bridget, what has happened to you?
BRIDGET
I had an accident.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, what a pity! You’ve missed some fabulous parties, especially at the Beckhams. Elton John,
he’s a very naughty boy! Ha! Still, never mind, there is always next year. OK, must dash. Off to a
top restaurant for lunch.
BRIDGET
Erm, Eunice.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Yes.
BRIDGET
Before you go, have a mince pie. Nick.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh.
Spraying noise
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, I shouldn’t.
But, it’s Christmas.
BERNARD
It’s true, there is a Santa!
And she’s a woman! Wait for me!
I want to tell you what I really want for Christmas!
NICK
Ha-ha-ha!
HECTOR
Hey, can you smell something?
NICK
Yeah. Is something burning?!
HECTOR
Ah, I forgot - the turkey!
Christmas music/assorted noises/shouting
HECTOR
Water, water, we need water!
Not on me! On the turkey!
NICK
Oooh!
Assorted noises/shouting
HECTOR
Move! Move!
Assorted noises/shouting
HECTOR
There, the fire is out.
NICK
Anyone for turkey?!
ANNIE
Shall we just have pudding?
BRIDGET
Erm, no mince pies, thanks.
HECTOR
Oh, I have another surprise for you. Another English Christmas tradition. Chocolate log. One slice
or two?
Christmas music/sound of sawing
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Nick wants to join the SAS, Bridget and Annie train the boys for action and
why is Hector home so late?
ANNIE
Hello, Hector!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Episode 29
Narrative
NICK
[Makes assorted noises]
Ooh/Aah!Ooh!
BRIDGET
Hello Nick. Have you lost a button?
NICK
Ahh! Ha – hi Bridget. Huh-uh. … I’ve just … practising. Ha-ha!
BRIDGET
Practising what?
NICK
I am going to join – the SAS.
BRIDGET
Special Air Service?
NICK
Yeah.
BRIDGET
You? [Sound of incredulous laughter]
NICK
What’s so funny?
BRIDGET
Nick, the SAS is for tough guys! Real men who are fit.
They’re highly trained.
NICK
I was in the Scouts.
BRIDGET
You [yeah] were in the Scouts?
[Sound of amused laughter]
Oh Annie, Nick’s going to join the SAS.
ANNIE
Oh, that’s wonderful, Nick. Erm, don’t you need special training?
BRIDGET
It’s OK, he was in the Scouts! [Sound of laughter]
Sound of TV being switched on
Episode 29 Camping 1
HECTOR [Introducing Camping Show on TV]
Hello. [Crashing noise]. Here in the National Camping Exhibition …
ANNIE
Oh, there’s Hector.
HECTOR
… It is all tents, tents, tents.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
… In every shape, size and colour.
ANNIE
And Eunice.
HECTOR
… And we will be showing you the best …
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
… And the worst of camping.
HECTOR
So, stick around … back to studio.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags now Hector?
HECTOR
Oh, ha-hmm.
HECTOR & EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Ah – ha-hmm.
ANNIE
[Impersonating Eunice]
Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags, Hect-or?
Huh!
BRIDGET
Calm down Annie, it’s only a television report.
ANNIE
I know but, well he’s been working with Eunice a lot recently.
BRIDGET
… And?
ANNIE
And well I’m just worried that he, well, that she, well, oh you know!
BRIDGET
Annie, don’t be silly, you’ve got nothing to worry about.
Although - Hector is a good looking man!
NICK
Yep, and she’s a good looking woman.
ANNIE
Ooh!!
Sound of film music on TV
NICK
Brrr! Pow-pow-pow! Incoming, Broad Sword calling Danny Boy, Broad Sword calling Danny Boy
…
I was watching that!
BRIDGET
Not any more. Go on, it’s late, back to your own tent.
NICK
What’s so funny?
BRIDGET
You, a scout! [Giggling noises]
NICK
Yes, so!
BRIDGET
I can just imagine – trying to light fires.
Sound of twigs being rubbed together/match being lit
BRIDGET
Helping old ladies across the road.
Sound of traffic
BRIDGET
Tying knots.
ANNIE
[Giggling noises]
Sound of shoes being dropped
ANNIE
What was that?
BRIDGET
I didn’t hear anything.
ANNIE
Hello Hector!
HECTOR
Oh, good evening, Annie.
ANNIE
Don’t you mean ‘good morning’? Where have you been?!
HECTOR
Oh, you know, for a couple of beers.
ANNIE
Who with?
HECTOR
With the lads.
ANNIE
Oh, so erm, when did the lads start wearing LADIES’ PERFUME?!!
HECTOR
Oh, I forgot, Eunice was there too.
ANNIE
Oh, so erm, what did you talk about?
HECTOR
Tents.
ANNIE
Tents? You talked about tents all night?!
Where? In her tent? Or yours?!!
HECTOR
Annie! An…

Guess what? Nick is training to be in the Special Air Service.
NICK
I am going to join the SAS.

He thinks it’s the same as being a Scout!
NICK
I was in the Scouts!

Hector has been working a lot with Eunice recently.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags now, Hector?!
HECTOR
Oh!

And he came home at 1.15 in the morning.
ANNIE
Where have you been?
‘A few beers with the lads,’ he said. Huh! I could smell Eunice’s perfume on him!
ANNIE
When did the lads start wearing LADIES’ PERFUME?!!
Rustling noise
HECTOR
Oh yes! I’ve got it!
NICK
Oh, it was my turn for the toy!
HECTOR
No, you’ve got The Incredible Hulk.
So I get two turns.
Pow!! [Laughs]
Hey, Nick.
NICK
Uh?
HECTOR
What do you think of Eunice?
NICK
Ha! Well, she isn’t an English Rose.
HECTOR
No, I don’t think she is a flower.
NICK
No, it’s a saying. An English Rose. A sweet, pretty girl, like Annie.
HECTOR
Oh no! Eunice is not a sweet, pretty girl!
NICK
No. Eunice is more, erm …
HECTOR
What is that plant that grows all over walls in England?
NICK
Honeysuckle. Wallflower. Erm, ivy?
HECTOR
Yeah, ivy.
Eunice is more like English ivy.
NICK
What do you mean?
HECTOR
Well she …
NICK
… Likes dancing?
HECTOR
No, no, she …
NICK
She’s all over you?
HECTOR
Yeah.
NICK
Hah. Do you like it?
HECTOR
Mmm.
NICK
[Makes whistling noise]
I see trouble ahead. Whoo-hoo.
BRIDGET
What’s so funny? Come on, share the joke!
ANNIE
It’s Hector.
BRIDGET
Hector came home late last night, is that it?
ANNIE
He was out with Eunice!
BRIDGET
Oh, don’t worry about Eunice, she likes flirting, that’s all. Hey, this’ll cheer you up. Look what I
found.
ANNIE
Oh, it’s pictures of us when we were Brownies. Aah.
Oh, and you’re wearing your Brownie uniform! Ah.
BRIDGET
It still fits!
ANNIE
Ooh, look at all your badges!
BRIDGET
What was the Brownie law?
A Brownie guide thinks of others before herself …
ANNIE
… And does a good turn every day.
BRIDGET
Remember the Brownie law, Annie.
ANNIE
OK. OK. Hello Hector, how are you? [Sound of kissing]
HECTOR
Fine.
ANNIE
Did you have a good night’s sleep? What was left of it!
NICK
Dib-dib, dob-dob. Ha-ha. What’s all this then?
BRIDGET
It is the Brownie salute.
NICK
Ha! That’s not a salute! This is a salute. What do you think, Hector?
HECTOR
Well both salutes are nice.
BRIDGET & ANNIE

Brownies.
NICK
Boy Scouts.
BRIDGET & ANNIE

Brownies!
NICK
Boy Scouts!
HECTOR
What are you talking about? What are Brownies? Biscuits?
ANNIE
When Bridget and I were little girls, we were Brownies.
We went camping, we sang songs.
BRIDGET
We were given badges for good works.
NICK
Huh! Brownies are for girls! In the Scouts we survived!
BRIDGET
It was just like being in the SAS, wasn’t it Nick.
NICK
Hah-huh.
HECTOR
But what are all those badges for?
BRIDGET
This one is for first aid.
HECTOR
Ah-hah, and what is second aid – or third aid!
NICK
Hah-hah!
ANNIE
First aid is for helping people who are HURT!
HECTOR
How hurt?
BRIDGET
Like if they can’t breathe.
ANNIE
Shall I demonstrate, Bridget?
BRIDGET
Go ahead, Annie.
ANNIE
Lie down, please, Hector.
Thumping noise
ANNIE
Now, this is called the kiss of life.
HECTOR
Oh-ho-ho, sounds good!
ANNIE
It means I breathe into your mouth!
HECTOR
Aha. Oh! [Sound of coughing]
ANNIE
And if you still can’t breathe, I do this.
HECTOR
Well, that is … … Oh!! Oh!!
ANNIE
And I keep doing this, until you can breathe!
HECTOR
Oh!! Oh!!
ANNIE
Are you breathing yet?
HECTOR
Yes, yes, yes, I can breathe!
ANNIE
Ah! And that is my good turn for the day.
BRIDGET
Now Nick,, bites and stings.
NICK
No thanks.
NICK
Of course, when I was in the Scouts, I went camping.
BRIDGET
So did we.
NICK
Ah, but this was proper camping, survival.
ANNIE
What, like the SAS?
NICK
Ha! We had to live off the land.
BRIDGET
What? No tins of baked beans?
NICK
No.
HECTOR
Whoa!
BRIDGET
So could you do a survival test?
NICK
Yeah, no problem.
HECTOR
Yeah.
ANNIE
Right then. We will give you a survival test.
HECTOR
Great! What is a survival test?
NICK
You’ll see, Just be prepared.
ANNIE
Ready for your survival test, boys?
NICK
Certainly am.
HECTOR
Aha.
ANNIE
OK, test number one. [Girls put on Australian voices]
BRIDGET
The jungle is full of horrible things that creep and crawl.
ANNIE
And some that wriggle everywhere.
NICK & HECTOR

Ha-ha. Ha-ha, ha-ha.
BRIDGET
Especially worms!
NICK & HECTOR

Ah!! Ah!! Ooh!! Ahh!!
ANNIE
OK. Test number two.
NICK & HECTOR

Ah! Ooh!
ANNIE
Food!
BRIDGET
You have run out of food, so you have to eat whatever you can find.
NICK & HECTOR

Egh?!
BRIDGET
Open very wide please! Ready?!
NICK & HECTOR

Ah! Ooh!
ANNIE & BRIDGET

Beetles!!
NICK & HECTOR

Ahh! Ugh!! Ahh!
ANNIE
OK. Test number three.
BRIDGET
Pain!!
NICK
Oh-ahh-ahh!
BRIDGET
I haven’t touched you yet!
ANNIE
I’m sorry boys, you have failed the survival test.
HECTOR
But erm, in the jungle it is going to be different.
NICK
Yeah, we were just pretending.
HECTOR
Aha.
NICK
It wasn’t real.
HECTOR
Oh-ho!
ANNIE
What? Like real camping.
NICK
Uh.
BRIDGET
Why don’t we do it?
HECTOR
Do what?
BRIDGET
Let’s go camping!
NICK
We haven’t got a tent.
ANNIE
Well, Hector can get us a tent from the National Camping Exhibition.
NICK
Huh?
ANNIE
Well isn’t tomorrow the last day of the exhibition?
HECTOR
Yeah.
ANNIE
And you and Eunice will be doing another report!
HECTOR
Yeah!!
ANNIE
Well then, you can buy a tent and come home early.
Oh, you’ll miss your drinks after work. Shame!
Slapping noise
HECTOR
Oh!

Hector must be careful.
I think Eunice is after him.
HECTOR
What do you think of Eunice?

And he likes it!
NICK
I see trouble ahead.

And Bridget and Annie have been showing us what they did in the Brownies.
First Aid, for example.
ANNIE
Lie down please, Hector.

Huh! That’s for girls. Not like the Scouts.
NICK
That’s not a salute. This is a salute.

This afternoon Bridget and I gave the boys a survival test.
ANNIE
Ready for your survival test, boys?
NICK
Certainly am.
HECTOR
Ah-huh.
Test number one: are they afraid of worms?
BRIDGET
Worms!!
NICK & HECTOR

Ah!! Ah!

Test number two. Could they eat anything in order to survive?
ANNIE & BRIDGET

Beetles!

Test number three: pain!
NICK
Aagh!

Hector is going to get us a tent from the National Camping Exhibition … and then we will really go
camping!
BRIDGET
Let’s go camping!

We’ll see who the real men are!
HECTOR
In the jungle it is going to be different.
Crashing noise
HECTOR
Oh, shush … shush-shush, you will wake Annie. Shush! Hey, I have an idea. I must show you to
Annie. Shh, shh. You know, I have a better idea. Ha-ha-ha! Come, come!
Come, you too, come, come.
Sound of door slamming/sound of clanging tent poles
HECTOR
Nick!
NICK
Ah!
HECTOR
Nick, wake up!
NICK
Oh, no more beetles! Ah! Hector?!
HECTOR
Nick.
NICK
What’s going on?
HECTOR
I’ve got it.
NICK
Got what?
HECTOR
The tent!
NICK
Oh, that’s nice.
HECTOR
Come on, let’s put it up.
NICK
What?
HECTOR
The tent!
NICK
Oh, Hector! Have you seen the time?
HECTOR
No.
NICK
It’s three o'clock in the morning!
HECTOR
Is it?
NICK
Yeah.
HECTOR
Really?
NICK
But wait a minute. Where have you been?
HECTOR
For a couple of beers – and a dance.
NICK
What’s that on your collar?
HECTOR
Paint.
NICK
Oh, pink paint. Nice.
HECTOR
When Annie wakes up, she is going to be cross with me.
NICK
If she sees that on your collar, she will be. Have you been dancing with Eunice?
HECTOR
Ye-es
NICK
[Makes whistling noise]
You are dead!
HECTOR
But, when Annie sees that I bought the tent, she is going to forgive me.
NICK
At three o'clock in the morning?!
HECTOR
Late night shopping!
NICK
Sssh!
Crashing noise/sound of Charley growling
HECTOR
It is OK, Charley, it is me, Hector.
NICK
Where shall we put it?
HECTOR
HERE!
[Whispering] Here, in the middle.
NICK
Guy ropes.
HECTOR
Ha? What? Guy Ropes, who is he?
NICK
No. Guy ropes. Ropes called guy ropes.
HECTOR
Oh, somewhere here …
NICK
Ah!
HECTOR
Hey, look …
NICK
That’s them …
HECTOR
Ah-hah!
NICK
Tie them to the furniture.
HECTOR
Aha.
Assorted rustling noises
HECTOR
There, that is it.
NICK
Right, let’s go to bed.
ANNIE
Oh! What, what’s this? Who put that there?!
HECTOR
Hi Annie, I’ve bought you a tent.
BRIDGET
What is going on?
HECTOR
Well, do you like your tent? Eh?
NICK
Anyone for camping? Ah!
Assorted howling noises
ANNIE
Oh, it’s so cold!
HECTOR
I’ll warm you up.
ANNIE
Did somebody say something?
BRIDGET
I want a hot drink!
We can’t even make a fire!
ANNIE
And there’s no water left!
NICK
How long have we been here?
BRIDGET
Oh, it feels like ages!
Assorted rustling noises
BRIDGET
It’s so creepy.
ANNIE
Yeah. Very creepy.
HECTOR
[Snoring loudly]
ANNIE
Oh, are you tired, Hector? Did you have another LATE NIGHT with Eunice?!
BRIDGET
So who’s going to go outside and get us some water.
ANNIE
Well I won’t.
BRIDGET
Well I won’t either.
NICK
Oh all right, I’ll go, but if I’m not back in ten minutes, you can have my Action Man collection.
BRIDGET
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Off you go.
NICK
Uh-uh, oh!
Sound of howling/rustling noises
MRS JESSOP
Morning, Nick dear. Thought you and your friends would like a nice cup of tea.
NICK
Oh, thanks Mum.
ANNIE
Oh, thanks Mrs Jessop.
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA. Bridget gets a new job. Hector receives a phone call from Lola and Annie is
looking for trouble.
NICK
It’s not Eunice, it’s not Debbie, could it be Lola?
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Episode 30
Narrative
ANNIE
Hector. [Yes?}. Please could you pass the salt?
HECTOR
Yes.
ANNIE
Hector. [Yes?]. Please could you pass the pepper?
HECTOR
Of course.
ANNIE
Hector.
HECTOR
Let me guess. Can I pass the sugar, coffee, tea.
ANNIE
Actually I was going to say we should talk.
HECTOR
So now you want to talk to me! It’s only been a week!
ANNIE
I was hurt!
HECTOR
Well you hurt me too.
ANNIE
I didn’t go out with Eunice!
HECTOR
ANNIE
Yes you did! And you stayed out ‘till three o'clock in the morning!
HECTOR
There were other people there too.
ANNIE
Who?
HECTOR
People who work on the programme.
Episode 30 Love Hurts 1

ANNIE
You mean other women who work on the programme.
HECTOR
Yes and men, why not? Eh?
ANNIE
I knew it! So, who is she?
HECTOR
Who?
ANNIE
The other woman.
HECTOR
There is no other woman!
ANNIE
Huh!
HECTOR
Annie, listen. [Sound of mobile phone ringing]. Oh, excuse me. Hello. Ha, ha-ha, hi Debbie. And
how are you? Ha-ha. Good. Erm, OK, that’ll be OK, perfect, see you then. Bye.
ANNIE
So was that her?
HECTOR
Who?
ANNIE
Debbie. The other woman.
HECTOR
That was Debbie from the make-up department, confirming my call time for tomorrow.
ANNIE
Oh! Some excuse!
ANNIE
Hector.
HECTOR
Yes.
ANNIE
Please could you pass me your fork?
Here, I’m going. You can have my dinner!!
Sound of laughter

BRIDGET
You should have seen Eunice’s face! Ha-ha-ha! She was furious!
HECTOR
When Eunice gets angry, she is a very scary lady!
Sound of laughter/sound of mobile phone
HECTOR
Oh, hello. Yes. Excuse me. No, no. Erm, bye, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Oh. All right Hector. Bye.
HECTOR
Hola, Lola! Ah!
BRIDGET
Guess what?
ANNIE
Prince William wants to marry you?
BRIDGET
I know that! No! I’ve got a promotion!
ANNIE
That’s nice.
BRIDGET
Nice? Nice? It’s fantastic! I am editor of Channel 9 Live! Eunice is no longer my boss!
Is that Hugh Grant? It’s Bridget Evans here. Call me Gigi, editor of Channel 9 Live. Are we still on
for lunch at Claridge’s today? Oh, fab! Ciao! [Sound of laughter]. Eunice is so jealous!
ANNIE
Now that is good news.
BRIDGET
Annie, what are you doing?
ANNIE
I’m doing my own editing.
BRIDGET
Why are you cutting out photos of you and Hector?
ANNIE
Because Hector is no longer my boyfriend.
BRIDGET
Really? Why?

ANNIE
Because he is having an affair!
BRIDGET
Really?!! Who with?
ANNIE
Well, I thought it was Eunice, but now I think it’s Debbie.
BRIDGET
Well I just heard him on the phone to Lola.
ANNIE
Lola? Who’s she? Hah! Eunice, Debbie, Lola, ha, he’s women mad!! Aah!
BRIDGET
Ooh!

Guess what?! I’ve got a new job! I am editor of Channel 9 Live.
BRIDGET
It’s fantastic! I am editor of Channel 9 Live!

Eunice is no longer my boss.
Oh – and I overheard Hector talking to ‘Lola’ on the phone …
HECTOR
Hola, Lola!

Very suspicious!

Hector is no longer my boyfriend! I’m sure he is seeing someone else.
First, I thought it was Eunice.
HECTOR
ANNIE
Yes you did and you stayed out ‘till three o'clock in the morning!

But now I think it’s Debbie.
ANNIE
So was that her?
HECTOR
Who?
ANNIE
Debbie. The other woman.

HECTOR
Hi Nick.
What are you doing?
NICK
I am not doing, I am being.
HECTOR
Oh. What are you being?
NICK
Can’t you guess?
HECTOR
A man on the toilet? A Sumo wrestler?
NICK
Can’t you see? I am an egg.
HECTOR
Oh, of course, you are an egg.
NICK
Now, what sort of egg am I?
HECTOR
Hard-boiled.
NICK
Hah!
HECTOR
Scrambled.
NICK
Scrambled?!
HECTOR
Fried.
NICK
Nearly! [Hmm?]
Poached!
HECTOR
Oh yeah. Of course, you are a poached egg.
NICK
Yeah.
HECTOR
Well you’re making a mess on your bed! Ha-ha-ha!
Anyway, why are you being a poached egg?

NICK
It’s my new acting class.
Total Being.
HECTOR
Oh, what are you next week? A piece of wood?
NICK
A piece of wood?
HECTOR
Yeah, then it would be wooden acting!
Anyway, can poached eggs talk?
NICK
Don’t be silly! Of course poached eggs can’t talk.
HECTOR
No, no, I mean, when you are ‘being’ a poached egg, can you talk?
NICK
Oh yes, anyway, I want to stop now, my arms are hurting. Ah! Agh!
So, what do you want to talk about?
HECTOR
It is Annie.
NICK
Eh?
HECTOR
She thinks I am having an affair.
NICK
Who with?
HECTOR
Eunice.
Sound of whistling
HECTOR
And Debbie.
NICK
What? Two women, Hector! Ha! You cheeky thing!
HECTOR
But I am not!
NICK
Oh, so tell Annie then.
HECTOR
I have, but she doesn’t believe me.

NICK
Why not?
HECTOR
I don’t know.
HECTOR
Oh, Excuse me. Hola, Lola. Ha!
I’ll take this outside. How are you, Lola?
NICK
So, it’s not Eunice, it’s not Debbie, could it be – Lola?
Traffic noise
ZEUS
Hey, hey, stop, please!
ANNIE
I knew it! It had to be a selfish man driver!
ZEUS
Please, I have a voucher.
ANNIE
I, I’m sorry, I’ve started, so I’ll finish.
ZEUS
Look I am Zeus, why are you so angry?
ANNIE
I’m not. I am just doing my job – Zeus.
ANNIE
People park on yellow lines and then are surprised when they get a parking ticket! Ha! There was
this one guy today – ‘please, I have a voucher.’ Ha! No excuse! Mind you, he was quite cute.
Nick, Nick, are you OK?
Sound of door slamming/laughter
ANNIE
Bridget. Oh, it’s you, Hector. Well, there’s something wrong with Nick.
BRIDGET
Well I could have told you that!
ANNIE
No, he won’t speak, he won’t move.
HECTOR
Oh, I know. He is being a poached egg.

ANNIE
A what?
HECTOR
For his new acting class.
Hi Nick. Let me guess. You are being – a potato.
NICK
Do I look like a potato?
BRIDGET
Yes. A couch potato!
Sound of laughter
ANNIE
What about a fish?
BRIDGET
Yes, a frozen fish!
Sound of laughter
NICK
I am not a fish. I am pain.
HECTOR
You are a pain.
BRIDGET
Yes, Nick is a pain!
Sound of laughter
NICK
No, I am pain. Hurt, agony.
ANNIE
So, how was your first day as editor, Bridget?
BRIDGET
What a day! I had a very important meeting. Big decisions to make.
ANNIE
Oh, like which celebrities, new programme ideas?
BRIDGET
No, like which pen to use at my meeting. Blue, black …
HECTOR
Oh, which one did you choose?
BRIDGET
Blue.

HECTOR
Oh … [Makes tutting noise] …
ANNIE & HECTOR

Bad choice.
BRIDGET
You think so? Oh no!
HECTOR
Eunice is so jealous of Bridget’s new job, she won’t talk to anyone!
ANNIE
Not even you?
HECTOR
Not even me! It is great!
ANNIE
You don’t want her to talk to you? Really?
HECTOR
Really! Oh, Annie, I hate it when we argue.
ANNIE
So do I. I miss you.
HECTOR
I miss … [Sound of mobile phone ringing]
Oh, hola Lola. Ha-ha. …
ANNIE
Right. Two can play that game.

I started my ‘Totally Being’ acting classes. It is fantastic! I am not doing, I am being ...
HECTOR
… A man on the toilet?

Yesterday I was a ‘Poached Egg’.
NICK
Yeah!

And today I was ‘Pain!’
NICK
I am not a fish! I am ‘Pain.’

Oh, and I think Hector is seeing someone called Lola.

NICK
It’s not Eunice, it’s not Debbie, could it be Lola?

But I don’t think Annie knows.

Hector is definitely no longer my boyfriend! It’s not Debbie! It’s Lola!
HECTOR
Hola, Lola, ha-ha …

Anyway - I’ve met a really cute guy called Zeus.
ZEUS
Look, I am Zeus. Why are you so angry?
ANNIE
I am just doing my job – Zeus!
ZEUS
Hello again.
ANNIE
Hello. We meet again.
ZEUS
You’re happier today.
ANNIE
Yes, I am now! But, I’m sorry.
ZEUS
I parked here, so you would come back.
ANNIE
Oh. You wanted to see me again?
ZEUS
You are so beautiful!
ANNIE
[Sound of giggling]
Oh, well, I’m sorry, but I am going to have to give you [No!] – this, my phone number.
ZEUS
Oh.
ANNIE
Call me. Who needs Hector?

NICK
Hi Bridget.
BRIDGET
Oh!
NICK
What ‘oh’?
BRIDGET
I know, Superman.
NICK
What?
BRIDGET
Erm, I mean Clark Kent.
You are being Clark Kent for your acting class.
NICK
No. I’m not. I’m long sighted.
BRIDGET
Oh. You’re being long sighted?
NICK
No. I am long sighted. I need to wear glasses for reading.
BRIDGET
They suit you.
NICK
Oh, ah, thank you. So why are you not at Channel 9 today.
BRIDGET
Oh, I’m working from home today.
There’s so much to do!
NICK
Bridget, what’s the matter?
BRIDGET
I can’t do it! Eunice hates me!
NICK
Oh, Eunice hates everybody!
BRIDGET
They all hate me!
NICK
No they don’t!
BRIDGET
They all look at me!

NICK
Bridget, you are their boss.
BRIDGET
I have to use the executive loo!
NICK
What’s the matter with that?
BRIDGET
I want to chat to all the girls!
NICK
Oh, Bridget, you are one of the cleverest, most beautiful women I know.
BRIDGET
Really? Well who are the others?
NICK
What do you mean?
BRIDGET
You said I was only one of the cleverest most beautiful girls you know.
NICK
Bridget! You can do this job.
Channel 9 needs you.
BRIDGET
Thank you, Nick.
NICK
Hey, it was nothing.
BRIDGET
You really look handsome in those glasses.
NICK
Ha-ha-ha.
HECTOR
Oh, hi Annie.
ANNIE
Oh, hi Hector. You look smart.
HECTOR
Yes, I am going to meet someone. Oh, Annie, I have something to tell you.
[Sound of mobile phone ringing]. Oh, sorry.
¡Lola! Vale. Si, si, ya voy. Hasta luego.

ANNIE
[Mimicking Hector]
‘Annie, I have something to tell you.’ Yes, that he is going on a date with Lola! That’s what!
BRIDGET
Nick, stop it! You’re tickling me! Oh hi Annie, I didn’t hear you come in!
NICK
[Sound of laughing]
BRIDGET
Oh Nick! [Sound of laughing] … Stop it!
ANNIE
Is everybody happy, apart from me?! [Sound of mobile phone ringing]. Hello.
Zeus! Hi! Well of course I remember you! A drink? Tonight? Ah, I’d love to. Aah!
Sound of giggling
NICK
[Sound of laughter]. Stop it! You’re tickling me!
Sound of door opening & closing
ANNIE
Zeus, meet my friends, Bridget and Nick.
NICK
Hi – HI!
BRIDGET
Well hello Zeus! Annie, where did you find him?!
NICK
Yeah, but he doesn’t wear glasses though, does he?
Eh?
ANNIE
We’ve had a lovely evening, haven’t we, Zeus.
ZEUS
Wonderful, H-Annie. Now I must say goodnight. Please, first may I use your bathroom?
ANNIE
Certainly.
ZEUS
Thank you.
ANNIE
Zeus is such a gentle man.
BRIDGET
He certainly is a man.

HECTOR
Hi.
Annie, I must talk to you.
ANNIE
What about? Your date with Lola?
HECTOR
My date with Lola?!! Annie, Lola is a sixty year old chief executive for ATV.
ANNIE
What’s ATV?
HECTOR
Argentinian Television. And [clears throat] she wants me to return to Argentina to present their
number one show. But I don’t want to go.
I want to stay here – with you.
Sound of toilet flushing/sound of door opening
ZEUS
That’s better.
ANNIE
Erm, Hector, this is …
BRIDGET
… Erm, Zeus, my new boyfriend. We’ve had a lovely evening, haven’t we! Come on, I’ll say
goodbye to you downstairs!
ANNIE
So Hector, will you take the job?
HECTOR
What do you think I should do, Annie?
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
So we must say goodbye to our friends for now? Will Hector stay or go back to Argentina? Will
Annie go with him? And will Nick ever give up on Bridget?
EXTRA – will the story continue?!
Sound of laughter
NICK
Well, there you go!

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Episode 1

BRIDGET [reading email message]

John [on phone]

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

BRIDGET and ANNIE

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

Sound of door slamming

Sound of knocking on door

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

ANNIE [sending email]

ANNIE [sending email]

BRIDGET [sending email]

BRIDGET [sending email]

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

BRIDGET and ANNIE

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

NICK [sending email]

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

NICK [sending email]

NICK [sending email]

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

Sound of knocking on door

Sound of door being slammed

BRIDGET and ANNIE

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

Intercom buzzing noise

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

BRIDGET and ANNIE

Episode 1 Hector’s Arrival

ANNIE [reading email message/replying to email]

Hector makes snoring noises

Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

ANNIE [sending email]

ANNIE [sending email]

BRIDGET [sending email]

BRIDGET [sending email]

NICK [sending email]

Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

Landlady [Speaking on intercom]

Landlady [Speaking on intercom]

Landlady [Speaking on intercom]

Landlady [Speaking on intercom]

Landlady [Speaking on intercom]

Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

Landlady [Speaking on intercom]

Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

Sound of knocking on door

Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping

NICK [sending email]

ANNIE [sending email]

BRIDGET [sending email]

Episode 2 Hector Goes Shopping